#my school therapist told me and i sobbed

[inkskinned]

so while i was writing the book, i became violently suicidal.

this was mostly due to the fact that i had a very bad reaction to some meds and my brain stopped producing any serotonin. also i was in the last semester of grad school where it's actually illegal to feel anything but dread. so it wasn't going well.

somewhere in the fog of it i became aware i needed help. nobody was taking clients or my insurance. i didn't want to do inpatient care - it wasn't right for my needs. there's not really an "in between" stage between "inpatient" and "no care," but i was trying to do the right thing. i was trying to activate the chain of command that was my emergency plan. i knew i needed help now.

i used betterhelp.

i know, i know. i'm a straight-A student and so smart and so clever, how could i ever use something so blatantly bad. to be honest with you, i didn't feel particularly keen on it from the getgo - things that seem too good to be true usually are. also, if something online is free, the price is usually your privacy.

the thing is that there was kind of a global pandemic happening at the time and i worked 5 jobs alongside of being a fulltime student and also like writing a book on the side. it is a miracle that i even thought about getting help. i would love to tell you i had the mental wherewithal to like, process whether this was the right choice for me. mostly i was desperate. i was so suicidal that i was trying to find a reason to stay inside of fortune cookies. i was the kind of suicidal that looks like splatterpaint. i hadn't been that bad in an entire decade.

they took my data. i gave them it freely. somewhere out there, they have a dossier on me. on everything i survived. my story in little datapoints, scattergraphed beautifully.

the first woman told me that really i should be grateful, because (and this is a direct quote): "at least you're not anne frank." i said that i felt that statement was antisemitic, as anne frank's life and experience shouldn't be compared to like, a nonbinary lesbian in western massachusetts. the therapist said that i should try to use lucid dreaming to try to picture myself in an actually scary situation, like running from nazis.

i applied for another therapist. i was willing to accept the possibility that there was a bad apple in the bunch. the next therapist and i even laughed about how inappropriate that statement was. and then, in our next session: the new therapist said if i was struggling with body image issues, i should just work harder on my appearance. she spent 3 sessions in a row talking about how she was grieving, and made me memorize facts about her grandmother so "she can live on through my clients."

i am a three's-a-charm kind of person. okay, so what if the last person made me uncomfortable. i figured it was just a misunderstanding of priorities - she had felt she was sharing with me, i had felt like i had to take care of her. i applied for another therapist.

the last woman asked me to help her pray. she bowed her head. i stared at her, frozen, while she said: lord, i beg you: cure her. take the pain of being gay away from her.

i spent somewhere between 2.5 and 3 months on betterhelp. in that whole time, i was not getting the professional help i so desperately needed, even though i was fucking trying.

in the end, i survived this because i finally could get off the meds that were literally killing me. a request for a real therapist finally went through. i survived because my friends saved my life. because nick let me sob myself dry in his arms. because maddie took the razors out of my room when i asked them to. because grace slept over in my bed for like 3 weeks in a row since nobody trusted me not to hurt myself when i was alone. i survived because i got fucking lucky. because even when i was desperately suicidal, i was too old and too self-aware to take "you need to be prettier" as good advice.

the thing is that there's a 19 year old me who isn't like that. who would have heard "just think about how grateful you should be" and said - oh, i see. i would have assumed that is what it means to be in therapy: the same thing my abusers used to tell me. that i am just pretending and lazy. that i am ugly and unworthy.

betterhelp positioned itself to take advantage of an incredibly vulnerable community. it preys on desperation. it knows it is serving people who are not doing well mentally. it saw that there is a huge need for real, immediate, compassionate mental health care: and then it fucking takes your money and privacy.

i still get their ads on instagram. last night i watched as a woman in a pool pretends to talk to a different woman. they discuss her anxiety.

there's a 19 year old version of me, and she didn't survive this. she was too tired, and drowning. i almost fucking died. this thing almost fucking killed me.

in the ad, the woman playing the therapist takes a note on a clipboard and then nods once, sagely.

i have to admit it's a pretty scene. the steam and light coming off the pool water lands on the actresses. like this, it almost looks baptismal, holy.

[reonnex]

Kaz is the first person Wylan tells about how he really ended up in the Barrel.

There's nothing special about that day. It was just an ordinary day as any in Ketterdam. The only thing different Wylan could think of was Jesper was visting Colm back in Novyi Zem.

Maybe thats why Wylan felt the urge to seek out the Bastard of the Barrel. The only one who could connect to Wylan in a way the others couldn't.

"To what do I owe the pleasure of a councilman vist?" Kaz had said as Wylan entered his office. The man was hunched over his desk, flicking through papers.

"I need to tell you something- personal."

"Do I look like a therapist?" Kaz had grumbled, but sighed. "But fine, what do you want to tell me?"

"I didn't run away." The words felt heavy on his tounge as Wylan spoke. He felt frozen in place, not being to move from the spot in the doorway.

Kaz made no motion to look up to Wylan as he continued to write.

"How I ended up in the Barrel. I-I didn't run away from my father like everyone thought I did."

Kaz had seemed to know where Wylan was going before he could even speak. He didn't look up to Wylan still, but his writing flattered, and Wylan could see a glint in the man's eyes as if he was silently telling Wylan to continue.

And Wylan did.

He admitted everything through shaky breaths. How he was so thrilled to be leaving for this music school, but also heartbroken that he was being sent away.

He told him how he watched the Barrel lights dance through the night on the boat.

How hands wrapped around his neck, and he just accepted his fate in that momment.

How Miggson and Prior got distracted, and Wylan jumped overboard into the water below.

How he swam for who knows how long back to the Barrel. The will to live being the only thing on his mind. He still wanted to live. He wanted to live.

And Wylan told him that he clung onto hope his father didn't know Wylan was almost killed. That his father still cared for him. That was until he opened the papers.

By the time Wylan was done, he was a sobbing mess. Tears caked his cheeks as his knuckles were white from gripping his pant legs.

"He tried to kill you because he replaced you already." Kaz had finally said after a few minutes of silence.

"Yes. He said he wanted the world to forget he had a son."

Kaz had nodded at that before standing up and walked closer to Wylan. He pulled out a hankerchief and handed it to Wylan, who glady took it to wipe his eyes and blow his nose.

"Do you believe in the eye for a eye? Or do you still cling onto your morals?"

Kaz had a deeper meaning to that. Wylan knew that immediately. "I believe it now...But it shouldn't end death." No matter what they did."

"I see." Kaz said. "Thank you for telling me this. If there is anything else you wish to talk about. My office is always open."

And Wylan had left.

The next day, news broke out that Van Ecks throat had been slashed in his cell. It wasn't deep enough to kill him and oddly seemed to be shallow enough to avoid all the major arteries. They had called a healer, but she had been held up helping a lost man with a limp who couldn't read directions know where he was and by the time she arrived, all she could do was stop the bleeding. She couldn't heal the scar it would leave.

He would still be able to talk, but it would be much limited then before.

When Wylan visted Kaz again that day, he had asked him about the attack.

"Despite Hellgates reputation Wylan, people in there have family's still. Sons and daughters they had to leave behind. Family means everything to them. They will do anything to protect those who hold a place in their lives." Was all Kaz has said before ordering Wylan to leave, and that he was busy with papers.

Even with his black gloves freshly clean, they could never get the stain of blood off of them. Wylan noticed the spot of red that was still left on. And knowing Kaz, he would never leave that on him unless he wanted it to be seen.

Sometimes water can wash away the history that has been around it forever. It can erode the stone, break apart land and have its sentiments sink onto the bottom. But it never forgets. The waters will never forget.

[yan-randomfandom]

Hey! I wanted to ask if you could do a platonic peri X female reader? Like reader is his new good kid or something? Do what you want, Love ur stuff byyeee! :D

a/n: my bad its kinda angsty 😭 he made you his therapist,,, slight,, prolly ooc too,, im so off today,, DONT READ THIS STAY AWAY 😭😭😭

💟 ; Peri & Kid!Reader :} no wait :{

"I wish she has her favorite flavor of donut inside that lunchbox!"

Peri lifted his wand, the star glowing brighter as he granted your wish. You grinned, almost mischievously, watching your classmate open her lunch. She's going to be so surprised and happy—!

But you were met with disappointment. She pulled out the donut with no packaging, or even a container at that. It left a mess on her fingers and inside her lunchbox. At this point, it was practically unedible.

"Peri..." you side-eyed him gracefully, your eyes narrowing. He smiled sheepishly in response.

Despite the initial mess, you continued having been lunch with your hopefully permanent friend, yapping about anything that came to mind. Yet, you couldn't help but notice that Peri, disguised as a necklace, was awfully quiet throughout the whole session.

Sure, he was supposed to, but it still felt odd. He usually had a few sassy remarks up his sleeve.

After school, you finally decided to confront him.

"Peri, I'm—"

"I'm so sorry!" he sobbed, a bit dramatically, his arms flailing out. "I don't know what's gotten into me, and I know I'm the world's most godawful godparent—"

You blinked. "Huh? But... you did what I asked you to. I was going to say sorry, and I should've been more specific and told you to give her packaged donuts."

Peri paused, staring at you with a big frown on his face. That face was distracting enough to interrupt you mid-way.

"...Why are you looking at me like that?" you asked, raising a brow.

"You're so different from Dev," he murmured. "Too kind."

Your shoulders slumped. This wasn’t the first time he’d mentioned Dev. In fact, during the first few days, that was all he ever talked about.

"Is that... a bad thing?" you mumbled, looking down.

Peri patted your head, gently ruffling your hair. "You're a good kid. Which is why I'm so surprised you even need a fairy godparent."

His eyes widened at your expression. "No! Of course not, starshine," he floated over to you quickly. "I didn't mean to make you feel that way. It's just... he was my first godkid, and we ended on a pretty bad note."

"Seriously," you said, scrunching your nose, "you say that like it's a bad thing."

His eyebrows furrowed. "You don't deserve to feel miserable."

"If anything, you're the miserable one," you snickered, but your smile faltered when he looked genuinely affected.

"...But I'm glad I met you, Peri," you quickly added, softening your words with a smile. "And I'm sure, whoever this Dev kid is, he'd be proud of you."

Peri mustered a crooked smile, thinking about how, if Dev had heard your words, he’d be offended beyond belief.

±

if you think something's wrong w peri then i think you're absolutely rigt

[3cremepie3]

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Sypnopsis - Professor Crowley helping you his dear student relive some stress.

Warnings - Smut 18+, Teacher x student, squirting, dirty talk, humiliation, gagging, flattery!

A/n - I was been supposed to get this done. Sorry for the delay I got really busy with school. But it’s out now thanks for the support! And also before anyone starts Y/n is grown. REBLOG PLS!!

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“It’s been months since I’ve seen my family! My friends hell even my enemies.” What have you been doing this whole time? Answer me, Crowley,” you demanded!

“Y/n I have a school to run on top of trying to solve your impossible dilemma. For all I know you might’ve fallen from the sky like the tums.” Well, you’re not doing a good job at your school if your students keep overblotting,” you snapped.

You were tired of Crowley's BS that’s why you stormed into his office. You were currently standing over his desk looking his stupid mask in the eyes. He sat on his chair which resembled a bird cage.

“I have to be the one to stop them from dying because conveniently somehow you’re never around. You told me I could be a student here, not a therapist.” As pathetic as it may be you began to cry the built stress of holding back your feelings let loose.

“I need help myself I don’t have time to help others. Please Crowley help me find a way home,” you sobbed. Crowley sighed before clutching you closer to him.

“I'm a generous headmaster I hate to see my students under such stress. Especially beautiful ones that I’m trying to help every day. Crowley pulled your hands away from your face. Here come closer Y/n.” You followed his instructions as he pulled slightly on your arm.

He opened up one of his desk drawers to a file with your name on it. “This is everything I’ve collected on you so far even after using my global resources,” he spoke.”You read through the files while bent over his desk for a better view.

You could see how every lead he got was scratched off. It was hard to read since he had chicken scribble but you got through most of it. Crowley had been trying. But this file just proved one more thing you were never getting home. In a moment of shock you fell back and the tears began to stream again. You were in Crowleys now lap to upset to move. “Sorry Mr. Crowley,” you sniffed. “I can see now that you have been trying.”

“Yes this whole time this situation has been stressful for me as well since you’re quite troublesome on campus,” he joked. You could tell he was trying to lighten the mood. “I guess you have it hard too.” You shifted so that you could look at him not even remembering that you were on his lap.

“Um yeah I guess you could say that,” he coughed. For a second you wondered what he meant by that and then you felt it. His large hard on pressing onto your back. “Oh I should get up,” you yelped.

“No, I don’t mind you staying here. You look too pretty when you cry. And it seems like we could both use a little bit of a stress relief. Look at how tense you are.” He started to massage your shoulders then his hands rolled down to your neck.

You let out a sharp exhale startled by his cold hand on such a sensitive area. He began to grind himself into your now-exposed panties since your skirt was lifted. “I’ll continue only if you want me to Y/n. It’s an honor to make love to someone like me,” he chuckled.

“I’ve never done anything like this Mr. Crowley.” It’s okay I’ll walk you through it there’s no way you won’t enjoy your time with me.” Okay I’ll try then.”

“But are we gonna do it here? What if someone walks in?” They can’t do much to the I'm the headmaster after all.” His hands gripped your ass giving it a firm squeeze. “I don’t know Mister this seems like a bad idea.

“Hey,” you protested. “Just calm down.” His fingers ghosted over your pussy causing you to squirm. “Squirming already I guess you’re nervous. I would be too if I were having sex with me.”

“Shhh just sit and relax.” He put your legs on each side of the chair legs and held your back for support. “Let’s get these useless things off.” He cut off your panties in an instant with his claws.

“Your egos too high,” you spoke. “And your mouth is too smart it would be best if I stuff you quiet.” What huh.” You asked not fully registering what he meant. The leftover fabric of your panties was stuffed in your mouth.

“That’s better.” One of his hands gripped your thigh tighter as the other worked off his golden claws and gloves. You waited watching his every move. His fingers were abnormally long and slender. He also had claw-like fingernails on all but two of his middle fingers. You didn’t think Mr. Crowley would get any pussy he seemed too busy but you were wrong. He knew exactly what to do massaging your clit while teasing your fluttering hole.

Your moans could be heard through your gag. “Feels good huh?” I can tell it does look at how you’ll suck me up.” He inserted his finger then and your heat greedily accepted him.

“See I’m always right!” You ready to take the next one? He questioned inbetween tasting your juices on his finger. You shook your head quickly slightly ashamed at your eagerness. The stretch felt heavenly to the point where you sunk your hips down further on his fingers.

“So needy huh? You needed this Y/n you need me huh?” You shook your head again grinding yourself up and down on his fingers. By now your pussy was so wet it started to make lewd sounds.

They got louder and louder the longer you fucked yourself on his fingers. Crowley sat back admiring the view. Your pussy was on full display since your uniform skirt was lifted. You felt his eyes burning onto you. His gaze wasn’t a judgemental but a loving one.

He realized how much of a slut he just found. He would just have to train you to realize it. But you were quickly breaking out of your box. Your moans were turning into whines. You were close now bouncing on his curved fingers like a fuck rabbit.

Your hands dug into his shoulders landing on his soft feather-filled Shaw. You buried your face in his neck too ashamed to face him. “Most women would get tired by now and want me to fuck them. I guess you young ones have more stamina.”

He was such a talkative asshole you wish that he would shut up. But you couldn’t stop now when you were so close to cumming. You were so close to letting go your juices were dripping down his fingers wetting his dress shirt.

“Such a loud sloppy mess for me. You’re doing so good Let me see how you feel with this.” He stopped all motion leaving you breathless. For a second you were hopeless that he was gonna help you finish. But his hands boosted your thighs up now your pussy was nearing his mouth.

You gasped into your gag you were high up now with no support other than his hair to hold. “Shh calm down I never dropped anyone doing this. Just give in everything will be okay.” He spoke sending vibrations and chills up your already shakey spine. He licked up around your thighs purposefully missing your needy parts. You whined pulling him forward. “Lick here.” You tried to illustrate through your gag.

This was the longest you’ve been edged your entire impatient life. You used your tongue to push your gag out you could’ve taken being bound any longer. “Headmage please I need your mouth. I need to cum or I think I’ll go crazy. Now stop being a fucking tease,” you demanded. “That’s not nice language young lady.” Okay, I’m sorry I’m sorry,” you pleaded.

“Fine, I’ll be kind enough to spare you.” Ahh! You screamed being unexpectedly dropped. You were back on Crowley's lap then you were back on the desk. You spread your legs again and finally after what felt like forever his mouth met your clit.

You wrapped your legs around his head tightly. “You’re not escaping this bit.” No problem I can stay like this for hours,” he murmured. He began to lap up your juices that had pilled up from all his teasing.

“Mmm, that feels good.” Doesn't it baby I heard my head game is superior.” Stop hearing and start focusing,” you instructed. “You’re insufferable,” you sighed. “And you're sweet so sweet,” he explained through slurps.

“Mmm Crowley,” you groaned. “You’re so naughty y/n I feel you twitching on my tongue. Are you about to cum? You must be look at how you’re shaking.” You hadn’t even noticed that how your body was reacting.

“Yes I’m about to cum!” Hmm,” he pondered. “Should I really let you cum? I don’t think this naughty pussy deserves it.” He teased while slapping your clit. You tightened in surprise and sprung up. “Crowley!”

“Fuck please just let me I’ve been waiting so long.” He gave you a reassuring glance latching his mouth to your clit. This time you knew he would allow you to cum. He didn’t let up for a second not even to breathe.

His mask partially lifted but you were too out of it to look at his secret identity. Your vision began to blur so you just shut your eyes as tight as they could go. Crowley didn’t like how your body was pulling away so his arm held your stomach down.

There was no escaping his tounges harsh attack even after you began to cum. He continued prolonging your orgasm. Your toes curled and even the iron grip he had on your waist wasn’t enough to stop you from shaking.

“Fuck I’m gonna! Ahh, I’m gonna squirt if you keep that up,” you warned. “I don’t mind the mess my dear but I do mind your volume.” He explained before pulling you into a smothering kiss.

You let go completely over his lanky fingers. “Headmage!! You screamed into his mouth. His tongue swayed across yours muffling your sound. “Ahh.” You sighed relieved that your edging was over. You were trying to relax your breathing for a moment before you hit Crowley. “What the fuck why are you such a tease?!”

“I have to be and anyways you should be grateful look at how hard you came.” You left my desk all sticky.” Well it’s gonna stay that way,” you chuckled. You slid off his desk pulling your panties back up.

“C’mon don’t leave my little stress reliever. Don’t you want to help your dear Headmage out a little more after I was so kind to you?” He grabbed his buldge and for a second you wanted to go back down on your knees.

But the bell ringing distracted your thoughts. “I need to be a good student like I said earlier. So bye Crowley. You left leaving him a hard insatiable mess.

[sysmedsaresexist]

As someone who remembers how vile syscourse was just a few years ago, when I heard this blog experienced character devrlopment, I was shocked at first. When I found some posts explaining it, I was even more intrigued.

If anyone is open to it, I wouldn't mind a link to any explanation of how you fell into sysmedicalism and how you started unlearning it. I'm genuinely proud of you for that development, because changing your entire outlook on a topic is difficult, especially when you have people who support that old view but not the new one behind you. This isn't meant to be condescending, in case it is read that way.

Syscourse has only gotten more vile, honestly.

This ask kind of comes at an interesting time. Last night, I made a post about the TPA and my extreme hatred for them (that'll never change), but I linked a post from my second Twitter account, which brought me WAY back to my first active move in syscourse.

First off, hi, it's not condescending. I found it's a lot easier to talk about than I thought it would be. It doesn't hurt as much as I thought to say, "I was wrong and being hard-headed." I was expecting ego death, but instead, everyone has been so kind.

I was asked what made me switch sides, but as for my humble beginning...

I spent a good couple years just lurking and watching. I was out in therapy and quietly taking all these questions to my therapist. "Are endos real? Is DID really trauma based? Could I be endo? Is that what you become when you heal from DID?"

Suffice to say, not the healthiest questions. There was a lot of misinformation out there. Through talking to my therapist, I believed I was in the right, and I debated for a long time getting involved to talk about some of the more prominent myths about DID.

But then.

Then.

I met Bethany.

Well, I didn't meet her. She blocked me immediately. She was a social worker, and a pro endo, DID system, but I really didn't like the way she talked down to CDD systems.

She was actually huge on Twitter, she had her own website and everything for sex positive therapy, she was doing interviews, she made wild claims about what kind of work she had done in the field, sob stories about clients that didn't make it. She had just started something called the Dissociative Society of Canada.

She was BIG.

And she was a liar.

I'm actually genuinely curious if anyone remembers this, it was seriously a huge, DESTRUCTIVE event to hit BOTH communities.

The Dissociative Society of Canada was real. She started it. But she was not a social worker. Her stories weren't real.

Having done all the same schooling myself, in the same province, with the same rules, I knew she was lying, and I called her out for it.

The pro endo AND CDD community attacked me HARD. I was told I was harassing and stalking, I remember reading the post that called for people to mass report me and I remember the emails starting to flood in from Twitter from countries that required the email be sent for reports. The only posts I had made on Twitter had been about Bethany, but people were talking about who I must be as a person and why I was so angry and jaded and terrible.

Eventually, Bethany admitted it. She never publicly apologized. She made her board of directors do it for her in a letter about shutting down the society (they hadn't known either). I was able to get her listed as an unlicensed therapist to avoid (she's still on there). The Dissociative Society of Canada was shut down after only a year.

And I felt terrible. I hated myself. The posts that came out afterwards about how much people had loved Bethany and how their trust had been destroyed, people that had done therapy with her and were permanently damaged by the lie. She had given a lot of people hope, but it was all a lie.

That was my fault. If I hadn't said anything, I don't think she would have been caught. She was still in school to get her education, she wanted to become licensed, she just wasn't yet.

But it was illegal for her to be providing therapy and telling everyone she was a social worker. She used this title to shut down anyone who disagreed with her, even when she was clearly wrong.

It was a clusterfuck. I came out of it DESPISING endogenic systems for the harassment and misinformation, and the lies about ME. I hated the desire to ignore her unlicensed, illegal actions simply because she had been a prominent voice for the pro endo community (seriously, people wished I hadn't done it, that she had never been called out and had continued her work).

This was my first real interaction with the pro endo community. A lying POS and a bunch of endos lying about me.

I started JAS around that time, and we all know what happened from there. My first post was about the myth of the 10% non-traumagenic in the DSM (it's a misquote).

I don't want to say I wanted to replace Bethany-- I wanted to show how someone who wasn't licensed could still advocate without lies, I wanted to provide that same level of educated discussion, I actually heavily considered putting together a licensed team to start another dissociative society. I debated getting licensed to do it myself.

Unfortunately, life doesn't always work out that way.

I did get her Twitter url out of it when she deleted, though. My trophy.

Ending on a sad note, I suppose.

I was distrusting of the endo community, I was angry. I didn't trust anyone for a long time after this. Who would just go online and lie like that?

It took a really long time to get over it and let go of that anger and hurt.

Remember, don't trust anyone or anything on the internet. Fact check everyone and everything, even if you think you already know the answer, or think you know who someone is.

If she hadn't been such an actual bitch to people, I wouldn't have noticed. Seriously. This was the tweet that caught her, no therapist should talk like this to anyone. The concerns raised in the first image mirrored my own exactly, and I would not have appreciated being spoken to that way. I thought, if she IS licensed, she should be reprimanded. But I couldn't find her license, and thus began the downfall of Bethany Killen.

TL;dr if you're lying on the internet, be nice to people :)

While I didn't always live up to my own standards of civility (I can admit that), I TRIED to speak to endogenic systems as respectfully as possible, and my only goal was to NOT be like Bethany. Sometimes I failed, but at least I never claimed to be licensed.

The point is that I'm trying to be better every day. Finally admitting that I was pro endo made it a lot easier to be nice. I wasn't trying to hold up this charade anymore.

And finally, I want to remind everyone that it's not just "the other side" that can do damage or spread misinformation. Our own community can do damage if we don't call each other out, too.

The most damaging thing I've ever seen in syscourse came from another CDD system.

I think I've rambled enough, thank you!

[invisibleraven]

36 for Best Dad Ray Molina please

Ray Molina isn't used to being alone-he had grown up in a large, overbearing family, had lots of friends, and loved living in big cities where he was surrounded by people. But that didn't mean he was close to any of them.

Sure, he had buddies he could grab a beer with, but they never got into anything deep. So when Rose died, leaving him a widower before the age of fifty with two kids who desperately missed their mother, he felt like he was drowning.

Victoria was a lifesaver of course, coming over to make sure they were fed and supported. Got Julie into therapy when it became obvious that she wasn't getting better.

"I can make an appointment for you too, if you want," she offered.

"Oh no, I'm okay," he said, waving his hands at her.

"Okay," she replied with a shrug, but her eyes said she didn't believe him. She never pushed-and maybe that was what he needed as his days became routine. He had to get up in the mornings to get the kids to school, and himself to work-he couldn't afford to wallow, not with mounting bills and no second income.

But it was hard, being so strong. He nearly had a breakdown one day at the dinner table as he turned to ask Rose for the salt-he always underseasoned everything-and she wasn't there.

They had set her place automatically, but Rose wasn't there any more. She never would be, and that fact hit him like a ton of bricks.

"Excuse me kids I just have to-" he ran off to the kitchen then, sitting on the floor, muffling his sobs into his fist. He couldn't let Julie and Carlos see him cry, not when they were finally coming around the bend of their own grief.

"Papi?" Julie called out.

Ray frantically swiped at his eyes, and put on a face that he hoped was neutral, popping up. "What's up mija?"

"Are-are you okay?"

"Oh yes, just a spot of indigestions, I took something, no worries."

Julie gave hima scrutinizing look. "You don't look fine. In fact you look like I did during my first session with Dr. Turner." At the mention of the therapists name, her nose screwed up.

"I thought you liked him."

"He's alright I guess," she shrugged. "But he's always saying stuff like “No one’s asking you to get over this immediately.  Take your time and heal.” which I get, but it doesn't seem true. It feels like everyone is expecting us-all of us-to be fine right now because mami passed away more than a month ago."

"He's right though," Ray stated. "I know it's been hard on you-you were so close to your mother. You do need time to heal-otherwise you'll wear yourself out and break all over again."

"Like when you tried to walk on your sprained ankle after a few hours when the doctor told you to stay off it for a few days and almost broke it?" Julie giggled.

Ray cracked a smile at that. "Exactly like that. No one in your family and friend circle expects you to get over this-grief is a process, that's why there are stages to it. And if anyone ever does tell you to 'get over it', then you point them my way."

"Will do papi," Julie said, going into his arms for a hug. "And you do the same for me."

"I can fight my own battles Julie."

"So can I," she replied. "But we shouldn't have to."

Ray felt his eyes leak at that. His daughter-barely fifteen, and already so wise. "Yeah, you're right mija."

"Are we having a hug fest in here and no one invited me?" Carlos joked from the entryway.

"Come on in sport," Ray said, widening his arms.

Carlos wasn't usually tactile, but he immediately ran into the hug, and Ray squeezed his kids all the tighter. "We'll be okay."

"Eventually," Julie said.

Ray gave her a soft smile, seeing so much of Rose in her, and in Carlos too. She might be gone, but she lived on in their kids, and Ray suddenly didn't feel so lonely anymore. She was right there with him, even if only spiritually.

"Yeah, eventually."

"Alright enough of this mussy garbage," Carlos said breaking away. "I propose we eventually-and by eventually I mean right now-have ice cream for supper, because no offense papi, but that pot roast is bad."

Ray rolled his eyes-he had been trying to do the cooking, but it had never been his strong suit. "Well we're not having ice cream for supper-maybe for dessert. I could make spaghetti?"

"I like spaghetti," Carlos replied.

"Me too," Julie piped up.

"Alright, spaghetti it is," Ray stated.

Ray rolled up his sleeves, getting everything ready, grinning when the kids helped him do the chopping and prep, making it a true family meal. Sure the spaghetti wasn't amazing by any standards, but to Ray it tasted delicious, as it was made with love.

Yes, it was still hard not having Rose there beside him, to laugh and cry with, to grow old with. But he felt like maybe he could do this, and one day, he could look back with fondness instead of grief.

He'd get there-eventually.

[eddiediazismyhusband]

tw: mentions of suicide

Okay wow i did not expect to be sobbing over an actor at 6 pm on a monday….

i just….

if you are someone who has ever dealt with anxiety and depression, and has attempted suicide in the past you know how much of a bond you feel when you meet someone else who has struggled with what you have.

to get vulnerable for a moment, when i was in 10th grade i was outed to my mom when she took my phone and found messages to a guy i was talking to. i had all of my electronics taken away, and when i used them i had to be in the room with someone else and was told everything i did would be monitored. i was sent to a doctor who my mom asked to try and “fix” me. i was out at school, but even there i had to deal with being called slurs, having suggestive comments made about me, even vile accusations made simply because i was not straight. By the end of my 10th grade year, i was in such a dark place, that i decided the only way out was by taking my own life.

i will not go into the details of how i planned to do so, nor the aftermath, but all of this to say is that i am here today because i was unsuccessful— and i am so happy that i was.

i have since been able to rebuild a relationship with my mother, i have grown more confident in who i am, and learned to let the hate roll off my back.

i have of course had low moments; healing isn’t linear. mental health doesn’t exist on a flat plane. it ebbs and flows.

i have mentioned before that i take medication now. i see a therapist. i am still on my mental health journey— and anyone who struggles will tell you it’s a journey that you take the rest of your life.

This is why whenever i see an actor- especially one i look up to/admire- talking openly about their own history with mental health and suicide, it hits very close to home. it makes me feel a connection to them on a deeper level.

i don’t particularly like parasocial relationships, nor think they are healthy, so that is not what i mean by saying i feel a connection to RG. But knowing that even people you look up to and respect and admire have gone through the same things as you provides a sense of understanding and validation that is unmatched.

i am so glad that Ryan feels comfortable enough to be open about this to the fandom, and that he has felt that he could share this with us.

i am so glad that he is in a better place, and i am so glad he is alive and has made it through.

to wrap this up, if you are reading this, know that you are loved— i may not know you personally, and our only interaction ever may be you reading these words, but no one deserves to feel so much pain and hurt that they think they are better off not existing.

you make the world a better place just by breathing. i promise.

stay strong. ❤️

- louis

[hearts401]

"do NOT ask me about ggy or patient 46 because i WILL begin ranting"

You see, I am incapable of ever listening to anyone, ever, so I must ask about GGY and patient 46

I have absolutely no knowledge of modern FNaF lore; I have not read any of the books (something I plan to fix whenever my bank account stops bleeding) so you're gonna have to do some heavy lifting here and tell me all about it

Ooh boy rubs my hands together

okay so im gonna start with ggy because i love Tony and Ellis. (i dont have the book in front of me tho so this isnt gonna be 100% every detail)

GGY is about a kid named Tony Becker who has an assignment in his 6th grade english class. He has to write a fictional mystery with side plots that tie into the main plot. He chooses to do this with his two friends. They use pen names whenever they do their english projects together (sobs and wails and cries into my hands) and Tony picked Tarbell, and his friends were Boots and Dr. Rabbit (or Rab for short).

Tony wants to start working on their project, but Boots and Rab want to go to the fazcade. Tony gives in when rab backs up boots (tony sees boots as immature and worries about outgrowing him and hanging out more with rab) tony wanders around the fazcade trying to find inspo, and then notices someone named GGY with top scores on some of the games. when he asks other people about it, they tell him the scores are seemingly impossible, but when he asks a staff member, he's told they haven't been hacked.

At some point he makes an online blog to ask about it and a girl he'd talked to in the fazcade asks him to meet her. she tells him that she thinks this is more than just high scores, and that he should stay out of it.

Oh also freddy keeps watching tony and at some point begins following him.

Tony finds out that GGY has a hacked party pass (or it was like a fun pass or smth) that gives them access to much more than it should, working almost like a security card.

Tony then finds out one of the school counselors has gone missing, and he sneaks into the librarian's office to learn more about it. he finds out two other counselors have also gone missing, all of them having gone to the pizzaplex before disappearing.

tony writes his paper and gives it to Rab and Boots to look over, and when they come back the next day, they've changed it into a fantasy story. And GGY is labled as the wizard's favorite apprentice, rather than someone getting high scores on arcade games.

tony is upset with rab and boots and begins calling htem by their actual names.

Rab is Greg, Boots is Ellis.

tony is also in trouble for sneaking into the librarian's office and using her laptop, so he has detention shelving books.

Greg come and offers to take him to the pizzaplex when he's done, and it's kind of implied he killed him there.

again i have bad memory and i dont have the book in front of my so anyone can feel free to correct anythign i got wrong or missed

now onto patient 46 who's from the therapy tapes in sb.

this'll be undeniably easier because i can just listen to the tapes. patient 46 is also not confirmed to be gregory, its just a theory, so im just gonna call them 46.

its important to note that 46 does not speak.

everything here is things implied to have been nonverbally communicated to the therapist.

Tape 2:

It starts with the therapist talking about how the day is nice, but 46 doesnt like the light, so the therapist draws the blinds. she then comments on how 46 is not talking to her today, and says that she gets reviews from patients, and when 46 doesn't let her help them, she gets bad reviews. she tells 46 she could get in trouble and get put in timeout, which 46 finds funny.

Tape 4:

New therapist is here, she asks if 46 is going to talk to her, and they dont reply. she asks whats wrong, and they gesture to the flowers. the therapist comments on them being particularly fragrant and moves them. The therapist then comments on 46 staring at something, and says they're "amazingly alert." she says shed like to have 46 tell her about themself, but 46 does not. the therapist instead chooses to look through their notes. she also comments on the chair not fitting 46, but its not specified if its too big or too small. she then asks if 46 is bothered by a new therapist, but 46 doesnt seem surprised or confused at all. the therapist says shes surprised by whats in 46's notes. she says they have a "rebellious side" and a knack for computers, and explains the word phenom to them. the tape ends with her asking if 46 considers themself a hacker

tape 6:

new therapise again! she tells 46 shes already read their files and knows what theyve worked on. 46 asks for a candy, and she gives one to them, taking one for herself as well. she says she wants to start with 46's parents, and claims it was tragic but she doesnt think 46 has processed it emotionally. she says they wrote it like they had read it off of a book. (her exact words are they wrote an objective rather than a subjective narrative, but 46 didnt know what that meant.) she says 46 spends a lot of time alone and is good at self-dialogue, which she explains is "asking urself questions and getting answers" she tells them to try asking themself how they feel about what happened to them. she tells them to let themself be upset about it so they can let it go.

tape 8:

same therapist as 6! she asks 46 if theyve thought about what they talked about. 46 had told them their past had made them sad and scared. the therapist asks if they had written down exactly what made them feel that way. she then says she works with many people who respond to tragedy differently. she asks 46 if their fantasies would be different had this tragedy not happened to them.

Tape 13:

new therapist again! she says when shes getting to know a client, she likes to find out abt their hobbies. when she doesnt get a reply, she asks if they like sports. 46 tells her they like to watch sports, but not play them. and that they like to stay inside. the therapist then reluctantly tells 46 that their previous therapists have gone missing. except one who was found dead, and they said her body looked to be mangled by machinery. the therapist also comments that 46 doesn't look concerned about it. she jokes about watching her back, which 46 finds funny.

Tape 14:

same therapist as 13. she asks if 46 knows about the pizzaplex, and says the technicians who work there know them. theyve seen what they think is 46 on the security cameras. they say 46 was accused of hacking their systems. the therapist says that the hacks are causing tons of problems, but that there's no solid proof it was 46, and 46 finds it funny that the techs are having issues. she says she finds it weird that 46 would spend time in such a busy, crowded place despite their loner attitude. she asks if its the electronics that 46 likes. she also says theyve designed programs that talk to them and repeat phrases. she says it asks them questions and prompts for responses, like their own little therapist. she said at first she had thought they were talking to themself, but it seems more like they were talking to someone else. she asks who it was.

Tape 15:

same therapist as 13+14. she starts with asking if 46 wants to do an ink blot test. she shows them an image, and 46 asks to hold it. 46 says it reminds them of a mask. the therapist asks if 46 likes the idea of being disguised, and how they make you invisible. she says being invisible lets you get away with anything, and asks 46 if they like that idea. she then moves on to something else, telling 46 that it seems theyve been talking to someone else. she says the techs think that its someone trying to lure 46 away, or manipulate them. the therapist moves to where she can see 46's eyes, and says she got something different from the communications. she accuses 46 of manipulating someone, rather than being manipulated. she says they were recorded on the security cameras with someone else. she says that it looks like the person theyre with has rabbit ears, which 46 finds amusing.

Tape 16:

Same therapist as 13+14+15. she says shes gotten another message from the pizzaplex that says that theres a glitch in the system that makes the animatronics more eerie than entertaining. she says the glitch spread system-wide and infected all the machines. she also says it was traced back to 46. she says the glitch broadcasted a dangerous message. she also says that when the techs were trying to fix it, the source shifted. she says that the glitch changed from a glitch and became a set of sub-routines that were made to do exactly what the glitch was doing. (which basically means it stopped just being a glitch and became part of the system?? i think?? idk shit abt computers bruh) when 46 does not reply, she presses, saying she is on their side and wont tell anyone what is told to her during the session and that the techs have no proof it was 46, so theyre not in trouble. when 46 doesnt reply still, she brings up their past. 46 refuses to look at her, but she continues. she says it doesnt matter if they look at the floor, because nothing they told her about their parents was true. she says they had great parents, and a great childhood. she asks 46 why they lied, and tells them to look at her. she then says she understands why 46 would be upset about the confrontation, and says they can come back to this another day. the last line she says is "you're shaking your head like that's not going to happen."

UHM YEAH IM NORMAL ABOUT THEM LOL.

i have a lot of thoughts on both of these parts and i personally believe 46 is Gregory. but if i dumped all my thoughts we'd be here all day so have this long ass explanation instead

[stonerskinny]

story time! beware the tale of The Great OD of 2024

on the evening of march 26, 2024, i attempted to take my own life. that day, i had attended PHP as normal, as i had just been discharged from residential 10 days earlier. when i arrived home in the afternoon, i found an email from my dad questioning me about my finances. this was a huge point of stress in my life at that point in particular because my first month in residential was as a self-pay patient. aka i had to come up with roughly $25k that i did not have to pay back this treatment center. this email from him was the cherry on top of an already shit situation: i didn’t like my new therapist at PHP, i was having a terrible fucking time readjusting to life outside of res, i’d already relapsed in my ed and my roommate/best friend (now ex) was basically not speaking to me. i was a ticking time bomb. so when i saw this email, my mind was immediately made up. i had been thinking about doing it ever since my aborted attempt in december. it was my perfect chance.

i got to work writing my note right away. it was an email, going to be sent to a specific selection of people who i felt most indebted to. mostly people from treatment, or my therapist. my mentor from high school. my roommate. the people i felt the worst about leaving behind. after i wrote the email i decided that my method would be an OD. then, i binged, as was standard for me when processing any type of feeling or decision. as the evening went on, my roommate got home from work and went directly downstairs upon seeing my bedroom door closed. this was ideal as it meant she would not be able to tell something was wrong. i rested for a while, probably texted friends or scrolled on tiktok. and then at around 10:30pm i decided it was time. i was on a lot of meds, but my targets were my 150mg trazodones and my 300mg lithiums. all in all, i took 7 trazodone and 25 lithium, or 1050mg and 7500mg respectively. my normal daily doses were 100mg and 900mg. in the grand scheme of things, it was not a very large overdose, but it certainly wasn’t nothing.

at around 11pm, i posted on my finsta that i had “taken too many meds”. this raised concern from one person within minutes, whom i told i had simply gotten too high. she believed me. no one else saw the post for three hours. i then got up and locked my bedroom door, got back in bed, and sent the email. within a few minutes of that, i received a call from an unknown number, which i declined. they called again, and i answered to find my therapist from PHP on the other end. she had seen my email and wanted to know if what i’d said was true — if i’d actually taken an OD. i said yes, mentally kicking myself because it was a last second decision to even add her to the email. she didn’t even get her own paragraph, i just tacked her onto the end of the list of people i was sending it to so that they’d know why i wasn’t showing up anymore. no one was supposed to see that email yet. it was after 11pm. but she was up, and on her computer, and she watched it come in. what are the odds of that?

she told me, very simply, that i had two options: i could go wake up my roommate and tell her what was happening while my therapist called 911, or i could call 911 and my therapist would call my roommate until she woke up. i opted for the latter. she started telling me everything was going to be okay and i was going to be fine, and i hung up on her. i sobbed for probably 30 seconds before i called the police. i informed the operator of the situation and what i had taken and she told me that EMS were en route and to unlock my doors so they could come in. i hung up with her and laid in bed for probably ten minutes before i heard them knocking at my front door. i didn’t get up. i was falling asleep at this point; whether that was due to the sheer dose of sleeping meds in my system or whether i was legitimately losing consciousness, i don’t know. they stopped knocking and i felt a twinge of hope that they were going to leave. i was, of course, wrong. at this point my roommate started calling my name, so i got up and unlocked my door to answer her as EMS knocked on my back door. she asked me what was going on and i just said “everything’s fine, im sorry” and opened the door. the folks came in and started asking her questions as she put me back on the phone with my therapist, who continued repeating to me that everything was going to be okay. i shushed her and told her i had to go because the paramedics were there. then i hung up on her again. i didn’t give a fuck what she had to say because i had sat in a room with her that very afternoon and cried about how i felt like i was drowning and she hadn’t had shit to say about it but now suddenly she cared. i remember being upset about that. i grabbed my phone and gave my roommate hers, apologized again, and left with the paramedics.

when we got to the ambulance they asked me again what i had taken, and then asked me why. i told them i wanted to die. they told me the drive was bumpy and that id get a barf bag once we got going. i said i needed it immediately. i will never, ever forget how sick i was. i though i would never purge again (i was fucking stupid). i will never eat cookie butter again, or ghirardelli chocolate bunnies, because that was what i was binging on right before. i think i went through three bags in the ambulance alone and the ride was maybe 10 minutes. they stuck an IV in while we were driving, except they tried in both arms and couldn’t get anything so they had to put it in my hand. i felt like sobbing but i couldn’t. once we got to the er, they lifted me off the bed and plopped me into a wheelchair. i got sick again. i then had to be wheeled to the bathroom and was so ill that they though i had collapsed because i was taking so long. i still get chills thinking about it LMAO. they wheeled me into a room and got me into bed somehow and i was just shaking like a leaf so they kept piling warm blankets on me. i remember i was so thirsty but i think i wasn’t allowed to have any water for the first like 12 hours.

things were fine besides the fact that i was gagging every five minutes. they drew a lot of blood and hooked me up to an IV and checked my vitals every few minutes. everything was low, but fine. and then the machine started screaming. i will never forget being barely conscious at like 2:30am and looking over at the monitor to see that my blood pressure read 40/10. in that moment i understood that i was going to die. i pressed the nurses call button, laid back, and closed my eyes. he came bounding in and asked if i was okay and i just said “my blood pressure, the machine is beeping”. apparently some part of that interaction got things moving and by the time he checked my blood pressure again manually it was more like 70/40. he said he would keep an eye on it. i said i was worried it was really low. he said i would be fine, adjusted my blankets, and left. for the next hour, that machine took my blood pressure every ten minutes, and every ten minutes it screamed. i was in and out of consciousness at this point, aroused from my miserable slumber every ten minutes like clockwork. i didn’t push the button again, and no one came in to check.

the next thing i remember, i woke up and i was moving. i must have made a noise because a nurse told me that i was being admitted to the ICU. she said they would take good care of me there. she was very calm, but they were running to the elevator.

the following 48 hours are a blur. i would be woken up for meals, take a few bites, and then i was out again. if i was awake at all in between that i don’t remember it. my best guess is that i was sleeping like a fucking baby because i’d taken more than a week’s worth of sleeping pills, but who knows. i remember on the morning of my second day in that room, a nurse came in and told me that it was time for me to pee. based on the concern in her voice i’m guessing i hadn’t pissed in two fucking days, so i begrudgingly got up. she had to loop her arm through mine to basically carry me to the pull-out toilet in the corner. i hated every second of that. i slept through lunch. when i woke next i was told that they were going to do one last check of my vitals, and if everything was fine, i was being transferred to inpatient. i cried when i realized that i was not going home anytime soon. i cried harder when it finally sank in that i had not succeeded. i was still here.

i was transferred that afternoon to an inpatient unit that had opened three days beforehand. we had programming every day from 7am to 8pm without breaks except meals. i relapsed in purging while i was there.

to this day, i do not understand how i walked away from that completely unscathed. that amount of lithium should have done something to my kidneys, maybe my liver. when i told the doctor in inpatient how much i had taken, she told me that i had no idea how lucky i was. that was not the first time i’d heard that sentiment from a doctor since i was admitted. perhaps the worst part of it all is that i still don’t know how lucky i was, not really. i still contemplate trying again almost every day. i dream of not being here and cry when i wake up and realize it wasn’t real. but i am trying. more than i was back then. and that has to count for something.

i’m going to go look around online and see if i can find some sort of patient portal for the hospital i was at. i want to read my notes.

[honeygrandpa]

tw warning: family death and animal injury

this has probably been the worst week of my life. on sunday my uncle had a heart attack on his way home from a trip so i drive from ga to tn to pick up his wife and then 10.5 hours to ia to get her to the hospital before he passed and we didn’t make it time. then i drive her back to tn and stayed with her because she couldn’t take care of herself and she wouldn’t eat (she’s diabetic so this was a real problem) and she didn’t know how to pay her bills or how to live without him. i got back to ga yesterday and then today, my dogs were outside on the chain and 2 neighbor dogs came into our yard off leash. 1 of my dogs attacked 1 of the neighbor dogs and that dog has to have an emergency procedure in the morning to drain the wound. i know legally it wasn’t my fault but i feel so so awful and i don’t know what to do. i don’t have the money to pay her vet bills. with all of the travel with my uncle, im already have debt on my credit card that i can’t pay off. and i have to drive to ia again next week for the funeral and pay for boarding for my dogs. i paid $1000 to a trainer who says they specialized in aggressive dogs last year and she basically told me to not bring them around other dogs. my dogs are rescues and they used to be ok around other dogs but my brother’s dog bites people and made them really nervous and ever since 1 of my dogs bit his dog to keep him away from me, they’ve both struggled with dog aggression. they like little dogs and calm dogs but get really bad around bigger energetic dogs. everything is awful and i really really don’t know what to do. im also struggling to finish my master’s degree and already am taking an incomplete for my culminating project so i have more time to finish writing. i am struggling to get everything done and apply to jobs so i might end up being too late to get a teaching job before the school year starts and i turned 26 this month so i wont have health insurance and i wont be able to see my therapist even though my panic attacks have been worse than usual this year and ive had really awful ones where i cant stop throwing up a few times this year when i used to have the really bad ones once every few years. im overwhelmed, i cant afford to move out of my moms house even though she doesn’t want me here, and im never going to see my favorite uncle again. i cant even afford to take care of these dogs but ive been trying for like 3 years now because they needed a home after being abused and neglected by their previous owner. they’re also the only thing i have in my life that make me feel happy most days. like lucky is currently in my lap, licking my tears. i don’t even want to consider it but should i give them up? i probably wouldn’t make it without them but i really don’t know what to do. should i try to pay for the neighbor dog’s vet bills with my credit card?? the neighbor told me that she doesn’t hold me responsible and that she’ll keep her dogs on leashes going forward but she said this while sobbing with her hands covered in her dog’s blood. i don’t think this week could get worse honestly. ive never cried so much in one week

[youremyheaven]

Omg I saw your moon dominance post and I have to share something 😭

I have a friend whom I went to the same school as, we still talk sometimes but not as much.

She has always been quite a charismatic person, and is a relatively small built, conventionally attractive blonde white girl. Needless to say she is considered quite “soft and feminine” - I only mention race because racism would naturally prevent her being perceived that way.

I like her, she’s very diplomatic and intelligent but MY GOD the manipulative tendencies she had growing up😭😭😭

It’s been a couple years since I was regularly in close proximity to her so I can’t remember that many examples of her lying (also because it was a such a common occurance), however I remember it getting to the point where she herself would awkwardly joke about it.

What I *do* however remember quite distinctly the way she’d occasionally have these “tantrums” after I gave her any mild criticism.

For example, one time we were all having lunch together as a group and she made a mean spirited comment on someone else who was nearby. I pointed out that is was a pretty mean thing to say, not in a particularly accusatory tone, and she quite literally started shouting at me saying “WELL THATS QUITE BIG OF YOU TO SAY BC YOU TOLD ME [insert minor joke about manipulative Snapchat fboys that therefore was nothing to do with her] AND IT REALLY UPSET ME [insert sob story about having a disabled brother] etc etc”

She also had a similar public outrage at me after I asked her if she brought her present in for the Secret Santa, and she responded by kicking me in the shins and going on a tangent about how her life is really stressful and how I only worry about “school and sleep” 💀

However the interesting part that I vaguely covered at the beginning is that she had mastered the whole sweet innocent teenage facade. She had people, primarily older men in authority, entirely wrapped around her finger. She developed this oddly close relationship relationship with one of our teachers, which never got inappropriate, but he would direct like 80% of his energy to helping her over other students (who were equally if not more needing of help). Similarly her therapist literally UNRETIRED to help her personally 😭 I can think of so many examples of authority figures literally bending over backwards to be of service to her.

(She also attracted a kind of unreal level of male attention that was way above the average)

To finally conclude:

She is a hasta sun, moon and ketu with PBP ascendant. Her birthtime isn’t exact but I feel as though PBP is more likely than UBP.

There was also an incident of her sleeping with a teacher in his 20s when she was 17 😬 obviously it’s on him, but it’s interesting to consider that she has Jupiter in the 9H in Chitra (mars) - aswell as a mercury chitra which sits in her 4 planet 8H stellium.

Sorry for this extremely lengthy ask😭 it’s more of an info dump than an ask but I hope it served as an interesting example of moon dominance (+ a little bit of mars influence) in women

bestie never apologise for spilling tea 😂i love reading what ya'll have to say, otherwise i feel like im talking to a wall. and i feel you about this moon bestie of yours, im glad you're out of that toxic friendship!!

a few years ago i had a toxic moon dominant bestie who like you said lied so much and manipulated things so much, its hard for me to even make a list of the shit she did lol, yk how a lot of poc parents will whip their kids or yell at them or something and afterwards act extra nice bc they feel guilty?? I've noticed that Moon dominant people are like that to some extent. my "friend" would say the nastiest most vile derogatory things about me TO ME and then when i responded with radio silence she'd be all 🥺🥺im so worried about you, have you eaten? have you done all the assignments?? here's mine, you can refer to it🥺🥺,, like i was always sooo confused by her but then i started seeing thru her bullshit, how she's only being nice cause she feels guilty lol,, she had a tendency to criticize other people A LOT like your friend and honestly its tiring to listen to that shit, so i think i started saying nice things in return like "oh but xyz is so sweet, she's always so thoughtful" and then she'd say some shit "its so crazy you'd say that because i felt like xyz and abc always hated you" like classic manipulation lmao, like she hates those ppl and if i say one nice thing about them, then she'll try to convince me that those people hate me so that i can be on her side in bitching about them lmfao.

Moon dominant people are soooo insecure its sad,, they feel the need to be so rude and nasty af to others to mask their own insecurities. Obviously I'm only talking about unhealthy Moon influence, im sure there are nice ppl out there as well.

u guys pls feel free to dump any gossip/tea u have in my inbox, i love reading this stuff!!

[sugarcoated-lame]

get to know me tag 🌻

@emeraldmoth 🧡 thank you so much for the tag (on my main acc @its-dee-lovely I just did it over here hehe) 🥰🧡

1. were you named after anyone?

yes! so kricket is just a nickname (gasp 😱 i know) but my mom chose my real name after an actor in a soap opera that she really loved

2. when was the last time you cried?

a few nights ago re-watching Me Before You, that movie makes me sob every time 🥺

3. do you have kids?

no kids, but i do have a fur baby 🥹

4. what sports do you play/have you played?

does dance count as a sport?? i took ballet and tap for a few years in elementary school lol, but aside from that no sports

5. do you use sarcasm?

me??? sarcastic? never 👀 (yes, i think sarcasm is hard-wired into all capricorns’ brains lmao)

6. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

eyes and smiles 🥹

7. what’s your eye color?

brown with little bits of hazel

8. scary movies or happy endings?

both? but i guess if i had to choose, happy endings bc i’m such a sap 🥹

9. any talents?

i can sing, but like the previous person said i also will not prove it lol 🙈, not sure if this counts as a talent, but i’ve been told i’m really good at giving advice — I’m the therapist of my friend group haha. and baking — I’ve been vegan for the past 7 years, so I’ve been doing all vegan baking since then and i think i could probably veganize any recipe at this point and make it delicious!

10. where were you born?

NYC 🗽 !!

11. what are your hobbies?

writing fics, songwriting, poetry, reading, watching movies, singing, baking, thrifting, playing video games (currently playing the last of us), drawing although it’s been a while

12. do you have any pets?

yes!! i have a calico kitty named patches (the most unoriginal name for a calico i know, i didn’t name her lol)

AND i temporarily have my sister’s cat, Chai, living with me for the next few months!

13. how tall are you?

5’5 and a half-ish ?

14. favorite subject in school?

people always think i’m insane for this, but my favorite subject was math.. also really loved forensics and psychology!!

15. dream job?

probably a singer or an actor… or both? as a kid i really wanted to be on broadway 🥺 would also love to be an author or a photographer!

no pressure tags: @sebsxphia @sunlightmurdock @hangmanssunnies @just-in-case-iloveyou @joelsgreys @joels-shitty-puns @pascalpvnk @ryebecca @floydsmuse @gracieheartspedro @itsthevelvetline @fairyheart @sio-ina-bottle @vee-bees-blog I’m a little late to this so sorry if you’ve already done it 🧡

[mistake-responsibility]

*he was met with dead silence for a long long while, the other end of the line going completely dead until suddenly the woman on the other end began snickering. The snickering quickly turned into chuckles and that quickly turned into full blown laughter.*

You’re actually insane! You’re actually just insane!! I can’t- I can’t believe it! You fucking killed my wife and now you’re telling me ‘it’s for the better’? You’re fucking nuts!! 

I bet- I bet you’re that fucker she went up there to help in the first place, huh? Cause there’s no way there’s multiple fucking psychos like you on that ship! You know I’m gonna call the police, right? I’m calling them and you’re- you’re getting fucking arrested the moment you dock back on earth you- you- fucking Christ! 

*Her almost manic laughter slowly dissipated into sobs, violent body shaking sobs. He could hear as the woman finally collapsed to the ground on the other end, still clutching the phone tight to her ear. He practically feel her knees curling up to her chest, her hand tugging at her hair. Her misery was practically seeping through the phone.*

Fuck! When I- when I suggested she became a therapist instead after she got rejected from med school again I thought she’d become a couples counselor! Or maybe a children psychiatrist! I didn’t think she’d go around the cosmos getting buddy buddy with criminals! 

I told her - I fucking told her I didn’t like her doing this, that it was dangerous, but she never listened! Why couldn’t she have just fucking listened?! 

-R

[ … V was there for him. Someone knew. Someone knew he was sick in the head, tried to stop him, tried something, and now… ]

[ He wanted to press, but there was no openings. No hope. ]

Didn’t you fucking hear me? We’re not coming back. It doesn’t fucking matter, call the feds all you want, they’re not going to do shit. They don’t have proof, they’re just going to laugh at you and waste your time.

We’re all going to fucking die up here, at least she only had to spill her guts once. Someone’s going to crash this fucking ship sooner or later, you’ll be grateful she didn’t FUCKING BURN ALIVE THEN.

… Just …

Just. Just contact her employer, or, or something. There’s got to be some sort of insurance on her…

[planets-for-her]

RANT/VENT!!

im gonna tweak so bad school's been so bad but so good. I wanna sob every day and I'm not sleeping enough and can't focus enough to study but even when I study I can't do it enough so I end up getting lower grades off the bat but also I love seeing my friends and I love when its fun and we have discussions but im SO DONE and SO TIRED. I started getting anxiety symptoms without the mental anxiety (cold sweats, shaking, risen irritability, nausea, just being an emotion wreck in general) but then the intrusive thoughts and need to do things to neutralize the thoughts came back (and so suddenly and strongly I was bordering on anxiety attacks and having rlly bad symptoms) and im doing worse on tests and I can't sleep through the night and im so confused and so upset. I can't even see my therapist and i havent seen her for MONTHS. guys this is like 12 of my straws im literally just not going tmrw i cant do it rn. I feel so pathetic like I'm told to do basic tasks and literally wanna stop existing like excuse me what is this omg??

im tweaking out and I can't even imagine having a good birthday or anything good without immense stress and worry about literally existing or not existing I hate this

[theatrekidstatus]

Chapter 36

-emily is 14- ⚠️s/a,s/h,ED,suicide⚠️Anthony ramos pov: "hey y/n" "yes ant" "do you think somethings wrong with emily" "kinda why" "because earlier today i found her crying and when i asked what's wrong she started yelling at me" "oh" "and shes been less social evertime we have a big celebration with friends and family or just friends and family she just hides and shes been lashing out cussing getting in trouble and its just not her and its not puberty because she wasnt like this before" "shes at a friends house right" "yes why" "lets go through her room" "isnt that a invasion of her privacy" "i think our daughter depressed lets just go" we sneak into her room and look around "OH MY GOD" "WHAT" "look" there were sex toys and lotion in her dresser and a bunch of books "babe..." "yes" "these aren't just anybooks" "what do you mean" "th-they're smut books" "THE THINGS PEOPLE WRITE ABOUT ME AND THE HAMILTON CAST" "yes" "why are there pieces of broken glass and oh no" "this tail is all to familiar but what is it" "lighters and blades" "i should've fucking known! No one goes from crop tops and tee shirts to baggie hoodies for no good fucking reason" "let's go on her computer"  besides the stuff about her hurting her self we found a bunch of fan fiction and porn sites and stuff about questioning gender "so our baby is trans is hurt" "wait" I pull up her online diary and y/n found her physical diary and y/n starts  violently sobbing and screaming and throwing up "babe BABE WHATS WRONG" "r-r-r-ead" I read it and it says 'I'm thinking of killing my self I got fucking raped In my own school bathroom it was horrible I can't kill my self because I don't want to ruin my parents life single handedly so I just harm I also feel fat so I'm working out more and eating less well if I do eat some dose people post naked photos of me around and I'm degraded and truly called every name under the sun anyway I also restored to drugs you name it I've done it because I was forced to or a pussy if I didn't also drinking and kissing pero I can't do sex I better find a way out because the stuff they got me into it's not to long until it's on the table anyway I got to go bye diary' "come on" I carry y/n to the car violently I knock on the door "who are you" "I'm Emily's parent I'm here to pick her up early" "the kids are in the basement follow me" I follow him impatiently "wait you said kids Plural" "yes it's my kids party" we look down stairs none the less HAVING FUCKING SEX Mr.Mayfield broke the two in the middle of doing 'it' I find my daughter on the floor on the verge of tears "let's go sweetie" we drove back home the only thing filling the silence is a tears or sniffiles we make it back home and she runs back up to her room "sweetie" I brought her close to my chest and let her cry and mumble her golboddy gook" i wait a minute till shes finished crying and is a little calmer and sleepier "you want to tell us about it" "i got raped a month ago and they said if i told anyone theyed kill my family and every thing i love so i just started destroying my self" "baby we'll help you threw this we'll get a therapist a doctor and everything that you need" "promise" "promise"

hey guys if your struggling with thoughts don't do it theres someone that loves yu someone being me

hey guys if your struggling with thoughts don't do it theres someone that loves yu someone being me

[havocspiral]

do you have any evidence about shittyclive being a groomer? genuine question

im glad you asked because he literally groomed me!

note for all of this i am going to be using he/him, i don't keep up with him enough to know exactly what pronouns he uses, if its anything different please tell me and ill update this post. he may be a groomer but im not a twat. also please be patient because my chronological memory is Horrible so i may not remember things in the correct order, but i have all of this written down and i Know that all of this happened

this all happened bc of a server i made called DAAC in ~May 2020 - that's where i met neil and also his friend K (not gonna name em but iykyk), along w a few other people. most of the ppl in that server were obsessed w sexualising me, especially neil. im not abt to put my age on the internet but it was. yknow. not fun, and everyone in that server knew my age btw because i trusted them and did not think that all This would happen (he also drew nsfw stuff and showed it to me)

anyway to cut a very long and unimportant story short, dated a guy, he was crazy, broke up w him and he stalked me march 2021 to ~july 2021, in that time neil attempted to pose as a sort of "protector" and in his OWN WORDS a father figure. side note my stepdad died in feb 2021 and i grieved too much and he dropped a frankly quite ass song abt it but i digress. yeah we got really close knit we were a "father-son" duo and when i tell you the ONLY THING HE TALKED ABOUT WAS SEX i wish i was kidding but our only topics were him telling me abt what he wants to do to his man of the month or how hes suicidal and AGAIN, absolutely inappropriate at the age i was. this lasted for so long that i began to break down entirely and becoming suicidal, also resorting to drinking and hurting myself, even going to crisis teams along with missing a LOT of school because i had become entirely dependent on him. basically he had me on a leash and was using me as a crisis hotline AND a sex hotline. i tried to cut him off multiple times in an emotional state and this obviously wasn't the best thing i couldve done but i literally saw no other choice. oh also during this time he suggested i have DID and i had a counselor for my stepdads death and. god damn he may be a weirdo but he was correct there ill give him that (he did also try to recount my trauma to work out how i worked as a system which. i shouldnt even have to explain how thats just odd)

(another thing i just remembered he sent inappropriate pictures to me and my friend, ill put her recount of it at the end of this)

one day i spoke to K, realised that was i was doing was wrong and attempted to talk about the situation with neil to which he was like. oh yeah i cant do this anymore bye and when i went to tell K he did the same. this was when i was in school which was rare, i just entirely broke down (also worth mentioning every time he told me about being suicidal i mentioned getting a therapist but he said he couldn't and i would also get all shaky and sob uncontrollably and basically be unable to function THATS HOW BAD THE DEPENDENCY WAS) and i had to be picked up bc it was that bad

i texted his instagram begging for at least and explanation and that i loved him and wanted to talk to him again (<- so manipulated it was insane) and he was like yeah but only on weekends and i felt such STRONG RELIEF and then when i went to sleep he went sike lol bye

remember the bf from earlier? yeah he faked his identity multiple times so i (at the time) was used to keeping tabs on people since. stalking. and i didn't want the guy to get the jump on me. so i kept tabs on neil for a bit, which i do regret and am sorry for, and one day he just disappeared? and honestly? i celebrated. also the ex from earlier faked his death multiple times so neils attempt at faking it this way was a dig at that specific incident. it didnt really work because i think about a day ish later he admitted to my friend (the same one from earlier, ill call her V) that he did it and wasnt dead

then he "apologised" to me and while i may not have screenshots for the most part he mentions what he did in the apology which is just. outright admission FROM HIM about what he did. he also admitted the apology was a total lie on his blog which i find funny because he frames it as a "gotcha" when i didnt even accept the apology?

also found out from an anonymous person who knew neil that apparently hes meeting up w people and also is violent w his friends which. ew

ok heres the evidence

(censored parts are for my own safety)