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lovecla · 2 months

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IF YOU LOVE ME, LET ME KNOW | jack hughes.

chapter two:

➴ warnings: none <3

➴ word count: 2.5k

➴ author’s note: this is pure fluffiness, the calm before the storm, the hughes being the best family in the world and jack making my heart MELT (i literally wrote him). i hope u guys enjoy this too. let me know what u think of this one:))

“AND that, my loves, it’s a wrap on ‘rip to my feelings’!” Grace yelled, and everyone yelled too.

You were in your studio with all of your producers and song-writers, plus Grace, and you had just finished recording the last song on your album.

You were beyond happy. Finishing this meant getting over everything Harris did to you. It was like closure. It was like restarting again.

“Guys, I’m so fucking happy, I love you all so much I could kiss you on the mouth right now,” you said, hugging John— the main producer.

“Don’t think Jack would appreciate that,” Grace mumbled when you hugged her, and you smacked her butt.

Jack.

You had sent him the demo of the album as soon as it was sent to your phone, not really sure why. You just wanted his opinion, that’s all.

Not much fuck buddy of you but whatever!

“Fuck off, Grace Morgan,” you fake whispered, laughing.

You all celebrated and laughed for hours, the time passing quickly whenever you spent it with the people you loved. You were grateful for having so many amazing people in your life, helping you to make your dreams come true.

Your phone rang, and you picked it up, unlocking it and smiling when you saw who had texted: Jack.

It was funny seeing how he complimented you in his own little, weird way. It made your heart beat in the wrong— right— way all over again.

“Did he just ask you on a date?” Grace whispered, probably reading your texts over your shoulder. Everyone else had already left— it was late, after all— and only Grace was left. You were sure she was probably going to sleep at your place anyway.

“I guess? We never just ‘hanged out’ before.” You sighed, replying to Jack’s texts.

“Woah,” she whistled, sitting back on the couch, looking at you funny. “Are you in love?”

“What?” You laughed, locking your phone. “What do you mean, we’ve been fucking for six months only. Chill.”

“Girl, like time matters to you!” She raised her arms. “You fell in love with that piece of shit in like three weeks, imagine with Jack, who fucks you every other week and treats you like you’re the most precious thing ever.”

“Excuse me? Are we talking about the same Jack?” You scoffed, crossing your arms. “Jack doesn’t treat anyone differently. Besides his family, that is.”

“Like the shit he does for you isn’t anything special, right? Like knowing your Five Guys order, or your favorite movies, or how you eat apple pie before your concerts,” she started listing those things on her fingers.

“He doesn’t know those things!” You raised your voice, trying to convince both you and her.

“Girl, I love you but stop playing dumb. He knows and you know he does! Why are you pretending that he doesn’t care about you? He just asked you on a date, for fuck’s sake.” She rolled her eyes.

“First of all,” you started, mentally listing your reasons. “We don’t know if it’s a date. He just said: dinner. He didn’t say ‘I wanna take you out on a date’. Second of all, I’m not denying anything, but I think I would know if I was in love with him, wouldn’t I?”

Actually. The answer was probably no. Harris fucked up your perception of love, and even though it’s been more than a year that you broke up with him, you still feel like you can’t really trust anyone anymore.

So you wouldn’t exactly be able to tell if you are in love or not. At least, you don’t think so.

But talking about love with your fuck buddy? Hell. No.

“You piss me off.” Grace bickered, turning the TV on. “Go change to your little date. I’ll be here, all alone and sad.”

“Pff, shut up. You’re just alone because you and Nico are dumbasses.” You said like it was a matter of fact and left the leaving room, leaving a very pink Grace behind.

Changing didn’t take long, and applying a light makeup didn’t either. You weren’t going to do anything special because, let’s be real, if you and Jack decided to be reckless and fuck somewhere, that makeup wouldn’t last long. So, why bother?

You left your house, saying goodbye to Grace and kissing her cheek. Jack’s fancy ass car was in front of your garage and you smiled, entering it.

“Hi, Jackie boy,” you greeted him, noticing how fucking good he looked, wearing his burgundy suit. Thank god to whoever created the suit rule in hockey. You’ll forever be grateful.

“Hey.” He greeted back, and did something surprising. He kissed you. Softly, and not like any other kiss you’ve shared in the past.

And that didn’t do anything to help the little cardiac arrest you had every time you were around him.

“Are we ready to rock our lasagna?” You asked, half embarrassed and half confused with what you were feeling. Food always made it better though.

“We sure are.” He smiled before starting the car again.

The silence was comfortable but your thoughts were too loud so you took the liberty of turning the radio on, scaring yourself with how loud the music playing was. And, shockingly, your music. Already Over was blasting through the speakers.

You looked at him, and he just shrugged, cheeks red.

“Were you listening to my music on the way to my place?”

“Yeah, why not? It’s good,” he blushes so cutely you find yourself wanting to chomp a piece of his cheek.

“You’re so cute, Jackie. Thanks, means a lot,” you had a feeling you were blushing too, and you thanked God he wasn’t looking at you. “I’m excited to release it.”

“When are you doing it?” He asked, making a U turn.

“Beginning of the next month. Now I have to take pictures and set up the concept for it. It’s my favourite part.”

“Are you doing any music videos with a guy dying?” He asked and you stared at him, once again surprised. Had he been watching your music videos? All of them? “What?”

“Are you a fan?” You giggled, genuinely happy. Harris hated to talk about your work, and he never listened to your songs for more than ten minutes.

“Nico forces us to listen to your songs and watch your music videos,” he answered, nonchalantly. You smiled, nodding your head. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?” You played dumb.

“Like that. You have this little minx stare that you do whenever you’re plotting something.” He smiled this time, and God if the sight didn’t make you feel full.

“You’re no fun,” you sighed, looking at the view. “Also, where is this restaurant? We’ve been driving for at least twenty minutes and nothing in Jersey takes more than that.”

“The restaurant is actually my parents’ house.” He says, like it’s nothing.

“What?!” You yelled, turning your head in his direction. “What do you mean you’re taking me to your fucking parents’?”

“Yeah. Ma’s making lasagna for you.”

Your cheeks were burning hot and you had this bubbly feeling inside of you. You were feeling something really weird and you started to wonder if Grace was right and—

“Soph?” You heard his voice, gentle and soft. You looked at him, noticing that he wasn’t driving anymore, and that the car was now parked in front of a big, beautiful, colonial house. His parents’ house. “We can go back if you want to, baby. Ma won’t be angry or anything like that.”

Stop making me want to trust you, Jack.

He caressed your cheek, and you snapped out of it. “No, it’s fine. I just… you could’ve said something, y’know? I’m wearing sweatpants.” You tried to make a joke, smiling. He smiled too.

“I’ll put on some sweatpants too, so we’re matching,”

“Right.”

You left the car, taking a deep breath. It was just his parents. You weren’t even dating so it would be fine.

Wait.

“What did you tell them? That you’re bringing one of the girls you’re fucking home?” You asked just before you walked in their property.

He raised an eyebrow at you, scowling. “First of all, I’m not fucking anyone else. It’s just you. Second of all, I told them I’m bringing a friend.”

You nodded, not trusting yourself to do anything else.

He’s not fucking anyone else? Jack Hughes? The man whore of the NJ Devils?

Yikes, sure.

You both walked into the house, Jack not bothering knocking before entering it. A delicious smell of fresh tomato sauce and herbs reached your nose and you could swear your mouth was watering.

“Ma, we’re here!” Jack yelled, making you jump a little bit. You eyed him before facing the woman in front of you, who was absolutely gorgeous. She looked so fucking young and pretty, and you were biting your tongue, trying not to say something stupid. “Hi, Ma, this is Soph. Soph, that’s Ellen, Ma Hughes,”

“Hi, Mrs. Hughes. Nice to meet you.” You said, certain that your cheeks were on flame.

Ellen took a step closer, smiling. “Hi, darlin’. No need for formalities, dear, it’s just Ellen. I would hug you but,” she pointed at her apron and shrugged. “A bit dirty.”

“Thank you for having me.”

“No, thank you for making this guy over here visit me,” she slapped Jack’s shoulder, both of them smiling together. “He only called because he said you wanted to eat lasagna and he loves mine so that’s why he’s here.”

If your face wasn’t going to melt before, it definitely was now. You were going to kill Jack. For real this time.

“Come on, Ma, I can’t be worse than Luke and Quinn. They don’t even remember your address anymore,” was Jack actually pouting? Jesus. Your heart was not ready to see that.

“Stop throwing us under the bus, dickhead.” Luke’s voice was heard and you and Jack both watched as both Quinn and Luke entered the room. “‘Sup, Soph.”

“Hi, Luke. Hi, Quinn,” you greeted them with cheek kisses, not even wanting to acknowledge that you had actually missed them. “Long time no see.”

“Hey, Soph,” Quinn quietly answered, not a single thought behind those eyes. “Great to see you.”

“I hope you’re all hungry because your mom outdid herself tonight,” Jim, the dad, said, smiling when he noticed you. “Hello there. I’m Jim.”

“Hi,” you whispered, mortified with all the attention you were getting. Some would think that performing for big crowds would make you less anxious to meet people. Nope. “I’m Sophia. Thank you for having me.”

“It’s fine, as my baby was saying, we do need our son to visit more.”

As they discussed why Jack didn’t visit them more frequently, you felt Jack’s arms around your waist and his mouth on the tip of your ear. You froze. “Yeah, they call each other baby and honey. Sorry about that.”

You managed to smile, trying not to get his family’s attention. They certainly wouldn’t understand why he was this close to a friend.

“I think it’s cute.”

The dinner went awesomely well. The lasagna was amazing and Ellen and Jim were the cutest couple ever, you could see how they’ve raised three amazing men.

They asked questions about what being a postar meant nowadays, and what was it like during your tours, and how could someone sing and dance at the same time, and have you ever met Adele?

They’re great people. Even Quinn and Luke, who had talked to you before on different occasions, made sure you were included in every topic, and Luke even asked for a signed cap so he could wear it at UMich.

“Do you guys know what we should definitely do?” Ellen started, after forcing all of the boys to organize the kitchen and do the dishes, while you sat with her drinking wine. Yeah, you loved her. “Karaoke. Let Soph here show us how good she is.”

“Maa,” you could hear Luke whining, while running his hands through his beautiful curls. “You do this every time.”

“You’ll make her work on her day off? That’s wild, Ma.” Jack joked, putting his arms around your shoulder. You froze again, looking at the expressions of his family, trying to picture anything out of place.

No one was looking at you weirdly, besides Ellen who plastered the most gorgeous smile you’ve ever seen, which made you smile too.

“I don’t mind singing…” you said, softly.

“Perfect!” Ellen stood up from her seat, pouring more wine on her glass. “Jim, set the karaoke thing on.”

“It’s called YouTube, Ma.” Jack rolled his eyes.

“Leave your mom alone, ugly face,” Jim called him out, on his way to do exactly what Ellen asked. “Sophia, can you sing some Elvis?”

“Yes, ‘course.” You also got up, discussing with Jim which song he wanted you to sing.

“Tell her to sing our song, honey!” Ellen yelled from the dinner table.

“Ah, yes, yes.”

Turns out that their song is Can’t Help Falling in Love, which was so freaking sweet. You sang the romantic lyrics while Jim and Ellen danced with each other, swinging slowly and delicately.

Quinn and Luke were recording themselves with you singing in the background, while you waved happily to the camera.

Jack was sitting on the couch, watching you sing. You could feel his eyes on you, observing your every move, smiling whenever you’d hit a high note or change the song’s rhythm.

It was nice. So, so nice. The Hughes were such nice people and you felt so safe and adored around them. They asked you to sing more songs and when you noticed, you were singing an upbeat song with Jim and dancing between Quinn and Luke while Ellen filmed everything. Until Jack grabbed you again and made you sing in front of him, for him. And boy, how you wanted to kiss him. His blue eyes were shining brightly and he looked just as happy as you felt.

You ended the singing when it was around midnight, everyone exhausted and sweaty— even if it was winter.

You started saying your goodbyes and thanking Ellen and Jim for the best lasagna you’ve ever eaten and for the hospitality too.

“I hope you come back soon.” Ellen whispered in your ear when you were hugging her, and you held her slightly tighter.

When you left the house with Jack, you couldn’t contain your happiness inside you. Grabbing his arm, you pulled him until you were near his car, and standing on your tiptoes, you kissed him.

He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you impossibly closer, both of you moaning inside each other’s mouth. His tongue made its way inside your mouth, pillowy and so soft. You were finally melting into Jack’s arms and nothing could be better.

Until you realized what was going on.

You had just had dinner with Jack’s family, sang and danced with them, and now you were in the middle of the street of a fancy neighborhood, with Jack Hughes holding you close to his chest, while devouring your mouth.

And instead of not feeling anything, instead of keeping things casual, you were feeling everything. Each tiny part of every emotion there is in this world were making their way into your heart and, unfortunately, you didn’t want to take them out.

Because for the first time in more than one year, you wanted to feel.

#jack hughes #jack hughes x singer!fmc #jack hughes x singer!reader #jack hughes x you #jack hughes x oc #jack hughes fic #jack hughes x reader #IYLMLMK

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ohsohoney · 4 months

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When it comes to love you're just as blinded.

Part One

Eminem x Musician

Summary: It starts with a drunk embarrassing video, it spirals into something a whole lot more.

Note: Hey! First time writing for Em so I figured I'd use a side account and see how it went? Honestly this is a whole series in my mind so might add onto this first part soon! An oc character but can be read as a reader insert if you prefer:)

Set in 2014, just after the release of LP 2

Warnings: Lots of swearing, dark humour

Masterlist

I was mortified.

More so than I’d probably ever been, in truth. All because of a stupid video that had been taken a couple of years back when I’d had one drink too many on a holiday I’d always dreamt of.

To be fair though, the majority of the blame lied heavily on my younger sister’s shoulders, who’d found the stupid thing whilst reminiscing through old memories and thought it would be hilarious to post online. Forgetting about the millions of fans who would soon see it– and not just mine, it would seem.

No, because that just wasn’t how the internet worked, was it? And when a newly nominated artist, who had only been in the game for a couple years, was filmed rapping an old noughties classic instead of singing like expected, it was basically bound to go viral. Didn’t help that I was a Londoner through and through and had the accent to prove it, making the whole video that much harder to watch. In truth, I continued to cringe each time I was reminded of it, which was practically anytime I opened up social media or witnessed the guilty expression that continued to mar my sister’s face.

“Stop doing that.” I huffed at her later on when the worst of it still continued to storm on, almost whining actually as I looked away from my phone screen and down at the food I wasn’t really eating, just picking at. I was supposed to be mad, infuriated even, but it was proving to be a fucking chore when she kept on looking at me like that.

“Doing what?” Lottie retorted, not even attempting to wipe the culpable look from off of her face. She was currently residing back at mum’s now, seeing as how she had school and I’d only just landed back home, but I’d give it a day before she was back here again. My flight over had been strenuous, it always was when flying to and from Cali, but still I made time for her– even after the most recent stunt she had gone and pulled.

“Don’t do that either.”

I’d meant to sound scolding but the soft laugh that escaped me truly was accidental. I couldn’t quite help it, I knew that being mad at her wouldn’t solve anything now and that she hadn’t really meant any harm by posting the video. That was just the type of person she was, she acted before she thought things through and didn’t ever think much for the consequences. Then again, she was still only fourteen and her putting the drunken moment on her Instagram story had just been one of those sibling type moments, the kind where you’d rip the piss out of one another simply because you could.

“I mean it, Lotts.” I sighed around the words, eyes flitting back to the screen and the way she was chewing on her lower lip. “It’s being sorted and, I don't know, I guess it’ll die down sooner or later. Mila reckons so anyway. We’ll give it a day or two, hey?”

A day or two did pass. And no such thing happened.

I’d been cooped up at home ever since I’d touched down at Heathrow, having jumped in the first cab available and fallen asleep the second I’d gotten in through the door. I’d been working out in LA for a couple weeks with a few other writers, just messing about with new sounds and ideas for the next album I eventually wanted to release. So I hadn’t been witness to the media catastrophe Lottie had created until later the next afternoon when Mila, my manager, had all but mowed down my front door, having called my phone three dozen times and gotten a guy she was currently seeing in the city to come buzz my intercom. It had been a wake up call and a half to say the least.

Still, she had assumed it would all die down fairly quickly, went as far to say that it could do wonders for my career– even with me being visibly tipsy– after having had the absolute gall to say that I hadn’t sounded half as bad as I thought I did. I’d cackled hysterically into the phone at that, then had somewhat of a meltdown, in utter disbelief over the apparent reaction she claimed the video had gone and garnered. Because I was absolutely not looking. Knew that if I did there would be too large a chance that I’d check myself into the nearest psychiatric unit.

But as I said, a couple of days had passed and typically something like this would have eventually blown over when the next big story hit the headlines. White girl can spit a verse, who cared? Only then the VMA’s had happened and shit hit the fucking fan.

I hadn’t attended, shit like that had always irked me. I could perform in front of a crowd of thousands and step off feeling as high as a kite, but stick me on a carpet and force me to interact with cameras, questions, and people? That was where I drew the line.

At the start, I had tried. I’d been new on the scene and people had reasoned that I would just end up being another one hit wonder, so the label had figured it best if I got myself out there, if only to interact with other artists and producers in similar circles.

It had gone down a treat– like a cake being knocked over at the wedding of the year. Maybe even worse. I didn’t like to linger too long on it.

But I’d tried again and again afterwards, although it had only proven to worsen my mood each time and forced me to retreat, avoiding my team and the responsibilities I had lined up for a short while after. It was only following a particularly uncomfortable night that Mila had called it quits and had a contract drawn up stating that I only had to attend a certain amount of events a year. It had been at that moment that I’d realised just how fucked I would have been in this industry without her.

Even so, life still continued on without me and the VMA’s were just another show I would be mostly avoiding, only making a statement at the end of the night online for the nominations I’d been gifted.

It was around midnight when I heard the scream.

Lottie was staying with me, typical for whenever I was back in London for a few weeks at a time, and so I’d felt my heart literally drop to my feet at the very sound of her screech and legged it across the entirety of the house. At first, I’d thought she’d slipped and fallen, maybe cracked her head open on a counter. And then the thought of an intruder had crossed my mind whilst I’d gone skidding over the landing. So anyone could understand why I was so worked up when I finally threw open her bedroom door only to find her simply sat there on her phone, hand covering her mouth.

“What the hell is your problem? It’s just gone twelve, Lottie! I thought something had happened!” I rebuked her, chest heaving as I dropped the heavy bookend I’d managed to pick up somewhere on my way over down onto her desk. “Shit.”

Her eyes were wider than I’d ever seen them though when I finally did get around to catching my breath and chanced another glance back at her.

“I was literally just about to fall asleep.” Which really meant that I’d been getting into bed to scroll through my phone or read a book when I’d heard her shout. “Then you screamed as though Freddy Krueger was stood at your window.”

“Elia.”

I blinked, Lottie rarely did that, used my entire name and not the usual shortened version or whatever other epithet that came to mind– and truly, there was a large variety, the shit I’d heard this kid come out with was insane. But I shook my head at the thought and quirked a brow at her. “What? Did someone die?”

“No,” She answered me, dropping her hand away from her face even though her jaw was still gaping, “But I just might.”

Rolling my eyes at the theatrics, I exhaled and walked over to slump on the end of her bed, figuring that something had happened between her and one of her friends, or maybe some lad she might’ve been speaking to. “And it deserved a scream like that? Honestly Lotts, just be thankful this place doesn’t have any neighbours listening in through the walls.” I told her, thinking back to my own adolescent years and the woman in the flat beside ours, “We’d have someone knocking at the door in under a half hour.”

It was her turn to roll her eyes then as she scoffed at me– like I was the one being dramatic here– before she then shook her head and shuffled hurriedly over the mattress to sit closer. “No Lia, just listen, look.”

Confused, I sighed and tilted my head when Lottie moved to shove her mobile in my face. I squinted at the sudden contrast, showing off my age and the horrific tragedy that was my eyesight, and tried to make sense of whatever it was that she was so hellbent on showing me.

From what I could first make out, it was just a Twitter thread, but then Lotts then clicked on the main video at the top. I waited as the clip buffered for a second, then a familiar face panned into focus and I felt my brow furrow. I peered over at Lottie for a split second before her eyes were widening in retort and she gestured her chin back towards the screen.

I narrowed my own eyes in turn, but watched on.

It had to be a coincidence, I reasoned. That of all people it was him that Lottie was currently showing me.

“Well, aren’t we in for a show tonight! Eminem is in the house, people!” An interviewer started, she was a tall, leggy blonde who held a too big microphone too close to her chin. “How are you feeling?”

I shouldn’t have been as surprised as I was to see him on the VMA’s carpet, not after the comeback he’d made late last year with LP 2, but I was, eyes caught on the bleached buzz cut he’d since reverted back to for the album’s release. Fuck, I’d be so pissed if it came out that he was performing tonight and I’d gone ahead and missed it.

Lottie thumped my shoulder, hard, realising fairly quickly that I hadn’t really been listening, and so I scowled in retort but gritted my teeth to keep from thumping her right back. She might’ve been my sister, but I had well over a decade on the kid and was marginally her guardian, just not in writing.

The rapper had seemingly just finished commenting on a question the tall blonde had asked him and so I forced myself to pay closer attention, brain whirling as I wondered what could have possibly been so important that it had Lottie screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night.

“I feel that!” The woman practically beamed at the rapper, head nodding along to whatever he’d just said, “But it’s good to hear that you’re enjoying being back. In truth, I wasn’t sure I’d catch you here tonight, there’s been a lot of buzz surrounding you at the moment and not just because of the album!”

My heart stuttered in my chest. Actually, I was pretty sure it had gone and fallen out of my arse, especially when the interviewer continued to press on the topic and it appeared as though the man in question understood exactly what she was getting at. His stoic facade cracked just a tad and– there! A smirk. An ever so slight crook of his mouth. I shot a startled glance over at Lottie but her gaze was fixated on the screen.

“I mean, have you seen it?” The interviewer prompted whilst he simply stood there, fisted hands clasped before him. No sign of the split second curve he’d just had on his lips. “The whole world’s been wondering about your thoughts on the singer!”

And there it was.

“I can’t,” I started to say, turning away from the phone just as a rush of nausea flooded through me, but Lottie held strong, hand coming up to catch my shoulder so that she could position her phone back in my eyeline. “Lottie–” I tried. Please.

“Just listen.” She persisted, face so serious.

Immediately I wanted to rescind my earlier statement. This was now my most mortifying moment. In fact, I wanted to hide in the nearest cupboard and never come out again. How the fuck was I going to show my face in public, not to mention at the next event, after this?

I swallowed thickly, entirely unprepared to hear a word he had to say about me. I mean, who would be? This man was leagues above a majority of the industry, me included. Never had I ever even thought that he could hear my name in passing, let alone listen to one of my songs playing in some shop he was coincidentally in or a random radio station. But here he now was, rolling his lips as he pondered over a question which concerned that stupid fucking video.

“I hate you.” I whispered at Lottie, mostly in hopes to cover up whatever he was about to say, but also because I was embarrassed beyond belief. And this was all her fault.

In the time spent since the drunken video had first gone up and now, I had yet to even think about him ever seeing it. Because the idea was that far fetched. But this was me, so of course he had.

“I’ve heard it.” Marshall confirmed, his head dipped in a barely there nod. My throat cinched. I wondered briefly how quickly I’d be able to tie myself a noose.

“And?” The woman prodded and internally I cursed her future bloodline, hoping that she'd somehow spawn the next antichrist or that her grandchild would become a shit-headed politician.

The man in question merely hummed, hollowing out his cheeks. “I was surprised, I have to admit. But she’s good, even when wasted.”

“I wasn’t fucking wasted!”

I hadn't even realised I’d spoken out loud until Lottie snorted on a chuckle. I turned towards her, brows raised high, “What? I wasn’t. You were there!”

I rolled my eyes when she didn’t deign me with some sort of assent but my head snapped back over to where she still gripped the phone when I heard him speak again, his voice echoing throughout the quiet bedroom.

“Then again, her shit goes hard. So it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise.”

That heart of mine that I kept on talking about? Yeah, I had zero clue as to what the fuck was going on with it now, only that my chest was wound as tight as it possibly could be and my eyes stung as I withheld the urge to even blink.

“You’re a fan?” The woman asked him, appearing genuinely surprised by the notion, even though it sounded more like a declaration rather than the question it was.

Marshall hummed, sparing a brief glance over his shoulder when a group shuffled on past them, disrupting the interview. It didn’t deter the woman though and I couldn’t blame her, no matter how much it pained me.

“So, could this mean we’ll be seeing a new featured artist on whatever you put out next?”

I made some sort of inhuman sound at that, but barely moved a muscle. And then I all but shutdown when the rapper's wide eyes flickered over to peer straight into the camera’s lens, “I mean, if she’s down.”

The next scream that was emitted once again came from Lottie, but I couldn’t think to scold her for it, not when I was hardly even functioning and wanted to implode myself.

The girl toppled over onto me, shaking my shoulders whilst she squealed unabashedly. “If. She’s. Down!” She repeated, squealing with excitement, “El, this is insane! How are you not screaming too?”

The air I forced from my lungs came out in a breathless chuckle as I clung to the forearm that was still wrapped around my collar. In truth, I didn’t know how the hell I was supposed to react.

“Figure you’ve screamed enough for the both of us.” I replied faintly, not really thinking but somehow managing to carry on, mostly out of sheer shock. I glanced her way, “I feel a bit sick.”

Lottie just shook me harder and when we eventually went falling down onto the duvet in a mess of limbs I wondered what I was going to do with the knowledge that I’d just been given. God. He knew who I was. The shock of it was almost like reliving my first time on stage all over again.

That night I ended up listening to Lottie rant on and on for a good while after whilst she scrolled through her Twitter feed and the rest of the internet. Mila eventually intervened, calling after having seen it too, and was as smug as ever. “Told you.” She’d said the second I’d hit the answer button and I hadn’t had the heart to play it off or act as though I hadn’t seen it either.

After the interview eventually finished trending and stopped being posted here, there, and everywhere, I was left with a flow of new followers but also a nightmare of opinions spouting from every corner of the planet on any comment section I had to offer. I forced myself to come off most apps I had downloaded after that and resorted to gaining my daily entertainment, and any real news, from Lottie. Which seemed sad, in retrospect, but honestly? It was more than a little self-serving and I’d even managed to get a shit load of stuff done.

I worked on a couple new songs, sticking to what I did best, but my mind did end up drifting away every so often, back to a conversation I’d had with Mila and Travis at the label a couple days after the media storm had passed. It seemed they all wanted me to try implementing a few new concepts into the music I was currently working on before we started to draw up ideas for the next album. Travis reasoned that even attempting to add a couple freestyles into the motions whilst I went about writing would do me wonders later on.

I just felt uncomfortable with it all, really. I’d never been a rapper. I mean, I loved it. It was mainly what I’d been brought up on, having grown up in an area where every kid on the estate was either attempting to become the next big thing or just blaring the biggest hits out of their car stereos. But that was just it. I listened and sang along, had even built up an extensive collection which I was immensely proud of, but the label were now aiming for this next album to make it onto a Grammy nominations list. It was all they had been fretting over since I’d somehow managed to chart the last one– although a single number one and an almost throw away making it to number seven didn’t make me all that hopeful.

Even so, it forced me to wonder how it would all work if I started to switch things up now. I could appreciate all genres but I didn’t wanna become the next hopper just to appease the people yessing me and then fall off.

The entire concept had me confused and so I had taken to keeping my head down for a while longer.

Lottie had headed back to mum’s earlier that morning, seeing as I was due to make an appearance in Paris for Fashion Week, attending the Vogue show alongside Vivienne Westwood. An utter dream, yes, but also still an incredibly daunting reality. Even so, it was something I couldn’t quite worm my way out of even if I had wanted to– see, with that contract there still came clauses.

I’d been prepping for my upcoming early morning flight most of the day, showering later on than anticipated just so that I could pack my case and eat before I eventually climbed into bed. Hoping to somehow get a couple hours kip.

I’d thrown on a robe and kept the speakers blaring once I’d eventually jumped out from under the spray, wet hair curling at the ends as I worked on throwing something quick together in my kitchen.

It wasn't long before I went and took the bowl I’d just made out into the living room with me, simply so that I could curl up on the settee and wrap up the few emails I’d been working on earlier. I was just nodding along and humming to the next song that played through the overhead speakers when my phone started to buzz against my ankle, shooting a funny feeling up through the bone. I was quick to pick it up, wrinkling my nose at the feel and not paying much mind to the caller, figuring it had to be either Mila or Lottie.

“Hello?”

There was a short pause as I shifted the phone against my ear before a voice eventually sounded, “This Elia?”

Frowning, I casted a quick glance at the phone’s screen to find a number with an unfamiliar area code staring back at me. I let my gaze stray on over towards a clock I had hanging on the far wall only to find that it had just gone eight.

I fumbled for a moment, “Um. It is, can I ask who’s calling?”

A low cough rumbled through the line before the same voice spoke again, I shuffled to set my laptop off to the side on the sofa, brow furrowed. “It’s Em– Marshall.”

Suddenly my head felt so very empty and my mouth was working around words that couldn't seem to find their way out. Em. The Em?? Fucking, Em?

I’d obviously been quiet a beat too long, drowning in the sudden panic that had shrouded me, because he spoke up again, “That Nas playin’?”

I shot a startled glance over my shoulder to where the fancy sound system was installed, the biggest reason I’d gone and purchased the home, in truth, and was immediately reminded of the music I had piercing through the air. Clumsily, I rolled off of the corner of the settee so that I could stumble over to turn the thing off, doing exactly that before I was forced to blink at the sudden silence that greeted me.

I winced and was quick to turn the music back on, keeping it low. All the while I still held my phone close to my chest.

“Uh, yeah. Hi!” I blundered helplessly after a moment, carding a hand through my damp hair as I stared at the empty wall before me stupidly. I wasn’t sure what to say, let alone do. I could sort of wrap my head around the interview, his brief mention of me. But a fucking phone call? It was on another level.

He chuckled though, enough so that I felt myself flush bashfully at my obvious awkwardness and forced my body to move back towards the sofa, if only so that I didn’t have to stand on shaky legs anymore.

“Hi.” He mimicked, voice low albeit a tad amused.

I smiled. Unable to do anything but, in all honesty, as I lowered myself down onto the cushions, vaguely aware that I should probably be saying something else now that he’d gone and replied, but was simply more than a little caught off guard by everything.

“Sorry, I– Well, I didn’t expect your call. Or anyones really.” I murmured, trying my best to shake off the nerves that were apparently wreaking havoc on my brain to mouth filter. “I just jumped out of the shower, had yet to turn off the stereo. Sorry.” How many times had I just apologised? I wanted to scream.

“You’re good.” He assured me, voice unlike what I probably would have expected and so I blinked once more at the sound of it, reminded that it was actually him I was talking to. But all that was fluttering through my head was ‘what the fuck are you doing calling me?’ “Nice choice, I gotta say. This an alright time for you to talk? I don’t wanna disturb you much.”

My eyes widened at both the compliment in song choice and well, him. Then withheld another sudden urge to scream, the hand not holding my phone clenching into a tight fist against my chest. “No, no, of course not. I mean, you’re fine! Not disturbing me at all.”

His next reply sounded more than just a little mirthful, “Sure ‘bout that?”

I willed myself to relax and took an inconspicuous breath as I pulled my legs back up under me. “I’m sure.” I told him, laughing lightly at myself for being so socially inept– or maybe it was just this entire scenario I’d been shoved into. “How’d you even get my number anyway?”

I hadn’t meant for it to sound so forceful or abrupt, but it had been yet another question my sluggish brain hadn’t been able to find an answer to.

“Mila?” He answered me, and I blinked stupidly at the name. “We had a mutual contact, figured I’d chance askin’ her instead of gettin’ lost in your DM’s. That cool? She said she’d let you know.”

The conniving cow, I thought to myself, though I wouldn’t have put it past her to have reasoned with herself that I would’ve probably freaked out if she had told me beforehand, before then having proceeded to just let my phone ring out whilst I stared pitifully at it. She knew me all too well.

“She did not.” I replied through a baited breath, “But no, yeah. You’re alright, just caught me off guard is all. You’re probably the last person I expected to call, if I’m being honest here..”

When I heard him laugh once more I grinned, all too pleased with myself. It was a low gruff sound, not deep enough to be sarcastic or ingenuine, but rather warm. It surprised me.

“Oh yeah? Even after everything that’s gone down lately?”

My eyes slipped closed at the instantaneous reminder and I winced. The video. Honestly, in the whirlwind that wasn’t just my life at the moment, but this phone call too, I could have almost forgotten about it.

“I still can’t believe you saw that.”

Marshall let go of another amused huff that I figured to be a chuckle, breathing in deep enough that he forced me to wait on his next words. “I don’t lie. I meant what I said. But tell me, how many drinks d’you have in you?”

I curled my tongue against the back of my teeth in hopes to keep from grinning too hard, feeling a slight sting at the tip. “I was tipsy.” I argued pointlessly, knowing it would be a tireless venture, “I’d only had a couple.”

He hummed, seemingly not convinced.

“It was years ago, too!” I felt the need to tack on, the rosy hue the alcohol had given my cheeks sprung to mind and made me wonder. My face wrinkled as I dragged a helpless hand across it. “Who even sent it to you?”

“A couple people, actually.” Marshall ended up revealing and his words sounded playful enough that I could almost picture the curl of his mouth. “My daughter was one.”

Without thinking my hand flew up towards my mouth and I shook my head as I let it rest against my palm. “You’re not being serious.”

“Dre too.”

I let go of a hissed curse and crumpled a little bit in my seat before laughing stupidly at myself. If I couldn’t talk myself out of this then I supposed I would just have to get over it. I hoped thinking sensibly would allow me to actually follow through on that sentiment, but I very much doubted it.

Marshall laughed again, slow and easy almost as though he’d shared it with me a hundred times before. “I wasn’t kiddin’ neither. ’s why I called.”

Pulling my head from out of my hands, I wet my lower lip, mind promptly flashing back to the clip Lottie had shown me. “What’s that meant to mean?” I asked him, treading cautiously.

“Listen.” He began, pausing only briefly to inhale before he then added, “I’m workin’ on another album–”

“No.” I interrupted, eyes suddenly wide and alert, “Already?”

A tittered snort followed the disruption but my mind was already reeling.

“You’re not fucking with me?”

In all honesty I had prepared myself to wait a couple more years for another drop, hoping for him to feature or for someone to send for him if only so that he’d make a track in reply. I’d been obsessed with his recent work, even going as far as to add it onto the tour bus playlist late last year. It had actually been played so much the roadies and the band had threatened to rip the system out. But a new album? Fuck. I hadn’t expected it.

“Who else knows?”

There was a slight click on the other side of the line. Or scuffle. “As of right now? Like six people.”

I swallowed down the understanding that then hit me, but my stomach lurched at the very thought of it. “And I’m one?” I chuckled, holding back the hysterical laughter I felt bubble as my hand fell over my heart, “Wow, I feel honoured, Mathers.” It was teasing, the rib I meant, though my eyes still widened when I realised what I’d gone and said, not wanting him to take it the wrong way.

I needn’t have worried.

“As you fuckin’ should be.”

I gave a real laugh at that, almost a full-belly type shit. But could you really blame me?

I was still smiling as I went to retort, humming with it, “God, you really just went and sprung that shit on me.”

“Hold you to keepin’ it on the low for now.” Marshall said, reminding me how paranoid the press and Hollywood had made him out to be in the past. I wondered how much truth there was in the sentiment. I mean, the man was almost a recluse– not that I could blame him, I was pulled from the same sort of cloth there– but to put a secret like that in my hands? It had to take some amount of faith.

I nodded seriously, even though he couldn’t see the gesture. Seemed he could hear the sincerity in my answer though, “‘Course.” I told him and then chewed on my lower lip for a second before a soft snicker escaped me. “That the only reason you called though? I mean, as honoured as I am to be one of the infamous six, I’m surprised you just phoned to let me in on the know. Have I just been roped into some sort of celeb elitist group? Weird initiation.”

His huffed laugh was breathy and made my mouth twitch that little bit more.

“Nah. You always this weird though?” Marshall wondered and I bared my teeth in a light grimace, figuring I’d gone too far with that one. Or maybe.. I'd just hit the mark? I snorted lightly at the thought.

“It was an honest question! I’ve heard horror stories.” And wasn’t that the truth, events and parties weren’t all about the awards and just getting trollied. Some of those fuckers were as strange as people could come.

The man clucked his tongue, although I could hear the slight smile in his sarky response. “Uhuh. Sorry to disappoint but nah, initiation starts in the belly of LA. Gotta dissect a virgin and drink Ciroc out of their intestines. Funnel that shit down.”

The snort I gave in turn was ugly and loud enough that it forced a hand to fly up and cover my mouth, but it didn’t appear to bother the rapper none, who chuckled before clearing his throat.

“Change this shit to Facetime.” He said not a second after, swiftly cutting short my absurd amusement. “Then we can talk about the album.”

I fumbled for a moment. “I look a mess.”

“Good thing this ain’t a fuckin’ fashion show then.” He only pressed, “You think I give a shit what you look like right now?”

That struck an odd chord in me for some reason, but I didn’t want to linger much on the feeling. “No. But I do, dickhead. It’s half eight at night, I have sudocrem on my face and I look like a dog off of Lady and the Tramp.”

I was so flustered by the very thought of acquiescing to the man’s demand that I didn’t even think much of the name I’d gone and called him.

“Again, do I give a shit? And what did you just call me?”

I paused, reeling back to whatever it was I’d just spouted at him. Upon rehashing my words I felt my tongue press between my lips to keep from laughing loudly, if Mila or Lottie had been there I’d already be strung up by a pair of metaphorical balls.

“You heard me fine.” I brushed it off, if he wanted to call me out of the blue and act all chummy then chummy was what he’d get.

Besides it wasn’t like I’d meant the term maliciously, I used that type of endearment with everybody. Something my manager had tried and failed to force out of me time and time again.

“But back to this whole ‘seeing my mug thing’. Not happening, mate. Why couldn’t you have called like, six hours ago? I looked like an actual person then.”

“Dickhead.” He muttered beneath his breath, barely even loud enough for me to have heard him and I could only guess that he was shaking his head with it, hopefully somewhat amused. “You ain’t an actual person then?” He said in reply, forgoing the name calling for now, “Figures, you give off lizard vibes.”

“Fuck you!” My laugh was sudden, jaw having dropped a tad at the quip. “Lizard vibes, the fuck are you then? And yes, an actual person! You can’t just call people, drop a bomb, and then demand things!”

“Shit typically works.” He quipped all too quickly that it had me shaking my head around another quiet smile of my own. “Just entertain me though, for a moment.”

My head fell back against the arm of the sofa, eyes casted towards the high ceiling which loomed above. I couldn’t quite believe I was actually considering it.

He didn’t even have to goad me before I relented. I huffed, blowing a strand of hair from out of my face as I sat back up, “Fine. Just gimme a sec.”

He hummed.

Elbowing my way off the settee I skidded over to the closest mirror, dragged a hand through my mostly dried hair and made sure that I didn’t have racoon eyes from any lingering mascara I’d had on before my shower. The patches of sudocrem would have to stay though, I deemed, seeing as he already knew about those.

I gave up on the preening and sighed as I fell back onto the sofa, thankful for the dim lights the living room offered in that moment. It was just as I was switching the call though that a thought hit me, making me question if the reason he’d asked me to start the Facetime was due to him wanting to give me the option to turn it down or simply because he had no idea how to do it himself. “Still there, old man?”

A scoff echoed into the room before my phone screen stuttered and I was left staring at the sharp lines of his face. It wasn’t like I hadn’t actually believed it was him I was talking to, but seeing the man was another thing altogether. He was a real person and that idea alone had me reeling.

I wrinkled my nose almost shyly around a smile when that sharp gaze of his slid away from something behind the camera to meet mine. He tilted his head to look me over, the hood of his jumper moving with the motion.

“I was right about the lizard thing.” Was the only greeting he offered me, jutting his chin out as he feigned all seriousness.

My mouth dropped open upon hearing him and my tongue quickly flicked out towards a canine to keep from biting back at him. There was humour written in the gesture though, even as I moved to narrow my eyes. “He’s got jokes! Reused ones, I might add, but jokes nonetheless.” I snarked, lifting my eyebrows at him in exaggeration, “Hilarious.”

His mouth curled very, very briefly, but I was quick to work out that it was all in the eyes with him. They held a certain amount of mirth as they flickered over my face. I wondered what he saw.

“Suits you though. Even with all the…” He waved a hand over his own face, probably referencing the white dots I had littered in a few places.

With a shake of my head I raised a hand to my chest, feigning a fond appreciation for the sardonic comment. “Is that the famous charm the world’s heard so much about then? Really know how to make a girl feel special, Mathers.”

His eyes slitted but still shone with a slight glaze, he hummed deeply in retort. “Best believe it. Why d’you think I’ve gotten divorced twice?”

A low whistle escaped me before I then laughed, eyes squinting with the strength of it. “Figured you might just have a kink for courtrooms.”

His tongue swept into his cheek at my boldness, fighting back a real smile as he glanced away and then back again. “I’m down bad for a good Judge. Spank me vibes, you know?”

I chuckled outwardly at that, amused by his quick witted replies. But that in itself didn’t surprise me, it was well known just how hilarious the man could be, his stoic demeanour only prodding that revelation further.

That sternness his face seemed to consistently hold softened though in that next moment and I watched on as he shuffled a little closer to the camera, sat somewhere indoors with enough natural light that he could have only been in his kitchen. It hit me then how wild this whole thing suddenly was. “What’s with the last name anyway?”

I blinked, caught off guard by his ask. “Um,” I fumbled, a slight wrinkle forming between my brow, “What do you mean, me calling you Mathers?”

He hummed and I had to think about it for a second. Ultimately I ended up gifting him a shrug, “Don’t know. Just feels strange to call you Eminem or whatever.” I laughed lightly at myself, hand falling to my knee to toy with a loose thread on the hem of my robe. “What do people usually call you?”

It was his turn to shrug then, his being a singular and fluid motion whereas mine had been more thoughtless. He was watching again though, the wide eyes I was so used to seeing in old interviews where he was always playing a part were now gentler, narrowed sure, but softer and slightly wrinkled at the very edges.

I tugged on the frayed thread, wrapping it around my finger enough to whiten the skin before I had to let it go again. “Is Em okay? Or just Marshall maybe?” I queried, watching him too.

“Whatever you want.” He murmured and it was then that I noticed he’d propped his phone up somewhere in front of him because a pair of hands came to rest at the bottom of the screen just as he pressed further into the counter he was sat at.

I wrung my lips to one side, teeth biting into the inside of my cheek enough to keep from smiling much more than I already was. “Most people call me El or Lia. Elia just started to feel unnatural away from, you know, everyone else.”

It was the worlds now, as well as one of few reasons I had for the stigma I felt around my own name.

The man jerked his head in a short nod in response whilst his fingers intertwined against a marble countertop. “So we should just slide that into the writin’ credits then? Or you finally gone take me up on that offer of a feature?”

You know that odd feeling you get when you’re on the tube or a plane and so suddenly your ears just pop and there's this ringing sound that floods the single sense? It just happens, out of nowhere, and you blink. So all you can immediately focus on is the sound. The odd feeling of it driving waves deeper and deeper into your skull. And the only way you can recover is by holding your own breath?

That was what that question felt like to me.

“What?”

His eyes were alight, akin to a low flame of flickering amusement and perhaps hope. “You deaf now too? Know you heard me.”

Of course I fucking heard him but that didn’t mean I understood. “This is for real?”

Finally, he let go of a dulcet chuckle, almost a ringing sound in and of itself. “You gone make me repeat it? You in, or not?”

“How is that even a question?” I breathed back to him, my hand shaking against the hem of my robe. “Yes! God, if I ever say to no to an ask like that you better fucking shoot me. What the fuck, Marshall?”

That chuckle again.

It was unlike anything else, the only sound I could hear around the blood rushing between my ears. Stupidly, I pinched my thigh and released a stuttered breath when the twist of skin radiated a short snap of pain up my leg.

“That the go ahead then?”

I must’ve looked so incredibly starstruck but I couldn’t even bring myself to care, this was unreal. I nodded, almost frantically at him. “Of course that’s the fucking go ahead! Are you sure about this? I mean, I don’t know how much help I’ll be. I mostly write radio shit.”

“Your earlier stuff ain’t.” Em shot back, the quip startling me enough to snap my jaw shut because not a lot of people ever dug that deep. But he continued on before I could think to hone in on the slip, “‘sides, your lyrics are what I fuck with. That shit makes you think, has you lingerin’. Playing with words is the aim, I want people thinkin’, leachin’ onto each syllable and every phrase. You do that.”

The air in my lungs lurched.

I could only offer him one reply, “When do we start?”

246 notes · View notes

pensat-i-fet · 1 year

Text

Attention seekers (Pedri x Reader)

**I got this request and my writer’s block suddenly disappeared. Funny that, right? 👀🤷 Anyways, the story is set in lockdown-ish times but that isn’t the plot but what kickstarts the plot. Hope you guys enjoy it!! ❤️❤️ **

Word count: 3115

Masterlist

Wattpad

“So it’s cancelled? Yeah, I get it. Hopefully, you won’t feel too bad. See you soon”.

You hung up the phone feeling so annoyed by the change of plans. After all the months of lockdown, it was possible to travel again and you had planned a trip with your uni friends. But now one of them tested positive and both she and all the others had to stay home. You didn’t see them since your exams were done, so you knew you were fine but…what were you going to do for your holidays now? Your family was going on a cruise with some friends of the family and you couldn’t think of a more boring plan.

“What’s wrong, princess? You look sad”, said your dad when he saw you sitting down, phone still in your hand.

“My holidays have been cancelled because all my friends have to quarantine. I guess I’ll stay here. There are worse places to be”.

“Come with us. There’s room for one more”.

“I don’t like cruises, dad. Besides, you’re travelling with people I don’t even know”.

“Nonsense”, he said, and you could tell he was not going to change his mind. “You know them. We used to be with them all the time”.

“Yes, when I was a baby. I don’t remember any of it”.

“Well, they are great so why don’t you come with us to Barcelona to see them and then if you don’t want to go on the cruise, you can come back here and be all alone. But give it a try”.

“Ok”, you said, rolling your eyes. It wasn't as if you had better plans.

A lot of the stricter restrictions had been lifted, but you still needed to quarantine before travelling abroad. So the families’ plan was to stay at the house of one of the kids in Barcelona since that’s where the cruise will be leaving from. It was apparently big enough for all of you because he was a rich football player now. You couldn’t care less about those things.

“I can’t believe you don’t remember Pedri”, said your mum.

“I do”, laughed your sister.

“Well, you’re older…”.

“Yes, and I also remember because you two were so funny together. You were either throwing things at him or trying to kiss him”.

“Don’t say that in front of him”, you told her but her smirk told you she was going to tell him the moment she could bring it up.

“I’m sure you’ll get on well, honey. He’s a great kid and so is his brother”.

You nodded at your dad’s words, already bored of hearing so much about Perfect Pedri. It was going to be a long trip for sure.

When you got to his house you couldn’t lie and pretend you weren’t impressed. He really was doing well. And also, a big house meant it was easier to avoid people you didn’t want to see so it worked for you.

After all the greetings and all the “oh my God! I can’t believe how tall and pretty you are!” comments, you excused yourself to your room. People never realised how shy you actually were and being surrounded by strangers, even if they weren’t completely strangers, wasn’t so easy for you. Plus the heartbreak of missing out on your dream holidays with your friends was still too recent.

After a little nap, you decided to head to the kitchen to ask when dinner was going to be ready and if they needed any help. But the moment you left the room, you bumped into a body and your phone fell to the floor.

“Sorry”, said Pedri, reaching for your phone and taking a quick look at the screen before giving it back to you. “Carlos? Is that your boyfriend?”

“No. Give that back”.

“Sure. I was sent to tell you dinner will be ready soon”.

“Ok, thanks”.

You tried to move but he got in your way. What was his problem?

“I remember you”.

“I don’t remember you”, you said back, trying to walk again but he was still blocking the way.

“Our parents got the photo album out. You would like to see some of the photos. There are a lot of just you and me. It looked like we were good friends and seeing them made me remind you”.

“Great! I guess my sister already told you about me hitting and kissing you. Glad I wasn’t there to be embarrassed”.

“Kissing me?”

Crap.

“Let’s go eat”.

You managed to leave that uncomfortable conversation and made your way downstairs, trying to remember the way to the kitchen. The last thing you needed was to get lost.

“You were nicer in my memories”.

Being stuck at home was a familiar feeling for everyone now but when it was someone else's house…

"We could go read in the garden", offered your sister.

"Sure, let me pick up my Kindle".

Everyone else was also in the garden, of course. You walked past Pedri and Fer and saw they were playing football.

"Doesn't he get bored of kicking a ball all the time?", you asked your sister but it was Pedri who answered.

"No, I don't. Do you want to play with us?"

You looked away, shaking your head and heading to the chairs where you could do some reading.

"It's like a reversal of what used to happen", said Fer, laughing at his brother's expression.

"What do you mean?"

"As kids. She was always following you around and trying to get your attention. Now it's you doing that".

"I'm not doing anything. Just trying to make her feel welcome".

"I saw your face when she got here yesterday. You didn't believe me when I told you how pretty she was…but now you do and want some of her attention".

"Whatever. Besides, she has a boyfriend".

"She does? Her parents said she didn't".

Pedri thought about the messages he saw on your phone when he picked it up. Whoever Carlos was, he was definitely flirting with you and you were flirting back. So boyfriend or not, you had your eyes on someone.

"I thought we were going to read".

"Huh?"

"You're glued to your phone. Who are you talking with?"

"No one", you said. Because you weren't, really. You were just checking if Carlos had answered any of your messages but he hadn't.

He had tested negative and you offered to go back to Castellón to be with him but ever since you said that…silence.

"Is it Carlos?"

"Just leave it! Stop getting in my business!"

You didn't want to raise your voice but your sister was always trying to get you to talk about everything. And you didn't like that. The more people tried to pry into your life, the less you wanted to share any details with anyone. Why couldn't they understand you would talk when you felt comfortable?

When you got to the kitchen, you bumped into Pedri again.

"Are you following me or something?"

"What? I was getting an ice cream from the kitchen. Do you want one? It's getting really hot".

You shook your head, walking into the kitchen when you noticed him grabbing your arm to stop you.

"You don't have to run away from me. I don't bite".

"I guess you are used to the fangirls following you everywhere but I'm not doing anything because of you. I just want to be alone".

Pedri was getting annoyed by the way you treated him.

"Have you seen my sister?"

"Yes, she went inside after letting me know again how much she dislikes me".

"Why would she dislike you?", asked your sister, surprised he was saying that.

"She barely looks at me when I speak to her, always being so…I don't know, arrogant and cold".

"Don't take it personally. She's really shy and struggles with new people".

Pedri nodded. He guessed that made sense.

"And…she wasn't supposed to be here. She was going on a trip with her friends but one is sick and the rest are quarantining. And the guy she likes is a dick".

That caught his attention. "Is he?"

"Yes. He's always leading her on and then stops talking to her for weeks. Until he's bored again and wants some attention. But if I try to tell her she gets mad at me. Like she's right now. And also, she had a bad experience with a football player".

"When? What happened?"

Your sister laughed again, remembering how mad you had been. "She's studying to be a journalist in Castellón and got to do an interview with a Villarreal player for an assignment. He was…well, asshole doesn't begin to cover how he was. So her opinion of you guys is a bit tainted".

Pedri nodded, noticing his ice cream was starting to melt and used that as an excuse to go back to the garden.

He didn't expect you to be so complex. Thinking you were just being bitchy to him for no reason was easier but now he was intrigued. And not just because you were pretty like his brother said.

[You]: do you know if you're going back to Castellón or not yet?

You didn't expect an answer from Carlos, seeing the last 5 texts in the conversation all came from you and he had left you on read all 5 times.

[Carlos]: can you Facetime?

[You]: yes!!

You ran to the bathroom quickly to check how you looked before running back to the bed to answer his call.

"Hey! How are you?"

"Been busy. You?"

"Bored", you laughed. "Can you save me from going on this boring cruise, please?"

Carlos didn't have time to say more before you heard a knock on your door.

"What?"

"We are going shopping", said Pedri. "Do you need anything from the supermarket?"

"I don't know. I'm busy now …".

"We are leaving now. Don't complain later about us getting the wrong milk or whatever".

"Who's that?", asked Carlos.

"The guy who owns this house, he…", another knock. "Pedri! I'm on the phone. Leave me alone!"

"Pedri? Like the Barça player".

"Not like", you said, rolling your eyes. "The Barça player".

Carlos' face annoyed you. He was looking at the screen as if you were stupid.

"Sure. You know famous players and stay in their houses. Right".

You got up and walked to the door, opening it and finding Pedri there, waiting.

"Look", you said, pointing the camera at him.

"Who's that?", tried to ask Pedri before Carlos lost it.

"Oh my God! It's really you. I'm a big fan, man. Can you sign a shirt for me?"

He guessed that was Carlos and between what your sister told him and the way he heard him talk to you, he was already bored of seeing his stupid face.

"I don't have any shirts here. Sorry", he said, tone dry.

"I could send one. Or I can go visit you guys in Barcelona if you are friends".

Pedri's response was to move your phone away from his face and look at your surprised face.

"Do you want something or not? We can't be here all day waiting for you to be done talking to your boyfriend".

"He's not my boyfriend".

"Good. You deserve better", he said, loud enough for Carlos to hear.

When he left, you closed the door and went back to your bed.

"Well, he's a dick".

"I have to go, Carlos".

"Are you coming to Castellón then? I'm bored. No one is here".

Yes. You deserved better.

"No. I'll stay with my family".

You picked up your mask and ran downstairs, hoping they hadn't left yet.

"Can I go with you?", you asked Pedri and his mum, who were on their way out.

"If you want to go, I'll stay. I'm really tired", said his mum, leaving you two alone.

"Are you driving?"

He nodded and you followed him to his car.

"I'm sorry about Carlos. He's…well, he …".

"He's an asshole".

"Yeah", you said, looking away.

"I'm sure you can do better than someone like him".

"You're more optimistic than me, then", you said, laughing sadly.

"Why do you say that?"

"The last months have been tough".

"You could say", he said, making you laugh.

"I mean, apart from that. I'm shy and meeting new people drains my energy. So going to a new uni, and meeting new people, …it was hard enough before lockdowns and all that. And I guess I've been guilty of just settling for the first person who is nice to me a few times".

"It can happen to anyone".

You looked at him and saw no judgment in his face.

"How was it for you? Moving to Barcelona, I mean. Leaving your teammates to meet new ones. I guess it's a bit similar to changing schools".

"It was hard at the beginning. I can be shy too but it's better now. The squad is really nice. I got lucky".

"That's good to hear".

You kept driving to the supermarket in silence but thankfully it was a short drive.

"I have a list", said Pedri showing you his phone, "but get whatever you want".

It was your first time shopping there so you just followed him and kept putting things you liked in the trolley. Then you noticed him moving and hiding behind you.

"What? Did you see an ex or something?", you asked, trying not to laugh.

"Worse, a group of kids with Barça shirts. I don't mind them asking for photos but you are here too".

"I don't mind either…".

"They'll say I was with my girlfriend if they see us together".

"Oh…right. Keep hiding then".

You couldn't help but laugh seeing him scan the aisles before walking.

"Pe…", you started to say his name but were freaked out like him, so you grabbed his arm instead. "Sorry for being so rude to you. I…it's no excuse but I don't know how to interact with people sometimes and get all snappy".

"It's ok. Your sister told me".

She did?

"I'm sorry anyway".

You couldn't see his mouth because of the mask, but the way his eyes wrinkled told you he was smiling and that made you smile back.

Maybe the holidays weren't going to be that bad.

The days after your trip to the supermarket were pretty uneventful. You still had to stay home and spent most of the time in the garden but the tension you felt staying at Pedri's surrounded by people you didn't know disappeared. Your parents were happy to see you were being more confident and just the normal you they knew and loved.

"Now that we have sunscreen there is no excuse. We're working on our tan, little sis".

Yeah, well…that was an excuse because you didn't want to wear a tiny bikini in front of everyone. The beach was one thing but the garden? It felt weird. But only to you because everyone else had been just wearing swimwear all day. Everyone but you.

"I don't know…".

"The green one", she said, ignoring you while she looked into your suitcase. "It looks so good on you".

Tired of the comments about how you were boiling under the clothes, you took the bikini from her hands and put it on.

You wrapped a towel around your body and followed your sister to the garden. Pedri and Fer were in the kitchen making some drinks for everyone. You put the towel on the grass while they were carrying the trays out and if it wasn't for Pedri's dad's good reflexes, the tray his youngest son was holding would have ended up on the floor.

"Careful!"

"Sorry", he said, looking away from where you stood, applying sun cream to your body.

Fer noticed the reason for the near accident and chuckled.

"Ask her if she needs help applying cream on her back".

"Shut up".

But no matter how much he pretended to not be affected by your presence, everyone noticed. And after many whispers that confused you, they managed to find a way to leave you two alone in the garden.

"And then there were two", you joked.

"Yeah", now it was his turn to act shy.

"Am I going to have to throw things at you like when I was a kid? To get your attention?"

"I'd prefer if you tried to kiss me again”, he muttered.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. I'm just distracted, I guess".

"I think I get now why people get annoyed when I don't look at them while I speak. It's pretty unnerving when you do it".

He took a deep breath and turned to look at you.

"It's hard to look at you right now".

"Am I that ugly? Really?", you joked but he didn't laugh.

He shook his head and you noticed him looking at you. Really looking at you. His eyes going from your head to your toes and then back to your head again.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable when you notice you're almost making me drool".

"Am I?"

Now he nodded, looking at your face to try and see your reaction.

"I'm not uncomfortable. You can keep looking".

He nodded again. "You can look too".

That made you laugh. "I've been looking for a couple of days. Keep working on the gym. The results aren't half bad".

After your little confession, Pedri put a towel next to yours to lie down. And you both talked about the most random things. Just entertaining each other. His company felt nice. Way nicer than Carlos' ever felt and that only showed you how much you were wasting your time trying to impress him.

"Dinner is almost ready, kids", said your mum. "Why don't you get ready? We're watching a movie afterwards if you want to join us".

Pedri got up and offered you a hand to do the same, which you took. Wrapping your towel around your body again, you followed him inside the house.

It was back to walking in silence until you got to your room.

"See you in a bit", he said when you opened the door. But instead of getting inside and closing it, you grabbed his arm to pull him inside with you. "What …".

"I wanted your attention so I thought, should I throw something at him again? But then I realized it would be rude to do that in your own house and I'm rambling again because being shy sucks".

He was biting his lip, trying not to laugh.

"So anyways, I'll do this instead", you finished saying before kissing him.

"I don't think you have my full attention, sorry. Maybe try again?"

#pedri #pedri gonzalez #pedri imagine #pedri one shot #pedri fluff #pedri angst #footballer imagine #footballer one shot #footballer fluff #footballer angst

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waterparksdrama · 1 year

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ok track by track review of Intellectual Property. GO!

as you wish anon. be warned this is literally like one of maybe 4 times i've listened to this album in full again

st*rfucker - a bit too saccharine on first listen but it has better replay value as time goes on. the beginning of the shoehorned jesus lyrics and the continuation of limo imagery to represent fame which is actually fitting admittedly bc just like a limo that is supposed to represent glamour and celebrity living, they are just as widespread and accessible as him and aren't really that glamorous at all. also this is me saying again wow he complains a lot about fame for someone who isn't really that famous. i still hate the cutoff at the end bc. cmon man. 7/10

real super dark - ok i did like the gilbert gottfried inspired melody i think that's fun actually. the song lyrics? uhhhhhh. just more complaining. if you have listened to any of the albums since fandom you are not missing much there other than the otto serial killer jokes he has inserted here? which is a choice i guess. instrumental is great tho. i feel incredibly stupid listening to a lot of the other parts of the song tho. 7/10

funeral grey - god i can't bear listening to this one on my own i'm sorry. live it's fine, but the studio recording i would rather kill myself than listen to again. IT'S SO ANNOYING. the terrible overenunciated vocals. awsten's attempt at humor by writing these wattpad fic lyrics that make me cringe to my core because i know there's a part of him being genuine. the one direction ripoff hook because he managed to get one of 1d's actual songwriters to help write the track. the only saving grace is the ending but at that point it's too late for any redemption. 2/10

brainwashed - ironically this was written with the 1d guy again and. i'm actually fine with this one LOL. it's simple and lowkey so it's considerably less annoying than funeral grey. considering awsten said the lyrics on this album were hypersexual, but it's 2023 so this is fairly tame, it just makes me wonder how much he has repressed in his psyche. 6/10

2 best friends - ok now we're back to simple annoying. if you tune out the lyrics enough, it sounds like disney channel filler music. but it's actually about ~~sExxxx~~ hahahahaha everything about this album so far is like reading fanfics clearly written by middle schoolers. awsten's sad about his situationship so he goes out with his 2 best friends to forget but it doesn't work :( but he could just fuck his friends bc it wouldn't hurt to try at this point. hey what if this was what the song was actually about that because in travis' insane songfic he made jawn and awsten hook up during this chapter #neverforget #riptravisficeventhoughmebitchingontumblrmadehimkillit 4/10

end of the water (feel) - hearing awsten try to hit those high notes reminded me of people saying brendon straining on his high notes on the last panic tour was like hearing a dog that needed to be shot out back for its own good. this is very obviously a charlie puth ripoff to the t because not only does he hit high notes that no man should ever reach, but i'm pretty sure the verse instrumentals rip off "light switch" by charlie. anyways more of "ughhhhh i'm not getting a text backkkkkk" that makes me want to throw awsten's phone into the pacific. i still don't know why kurtis conner is here and how this is supposed to relate to any of this at all. also actually now that i'm crossing checking the genius pages for these, the descriptions for these songs make them sound much better than they actually are lol. 3/10

self-sabotage - this one is mid on it's own but funny because i remember the amount of twitter discourse this song has spawned. "awsten's being toxic and misogynistic" did we not listen to some of the songs off fandom "awsten has bpd" what if he just sucks sometimes. the memories of this are more memorable than the song itself. 5/10

ritual - remember when i found out the soundbyte at the beginning was from an aids psa. good times. fine song other than the shoehorned soundbyte. the entire song is just a repetition of the verses and chorus like a ~~ritual~~ spooky! i like the flair vincente void adds with his screams i feel like this feature makes more sense because it's a song about protecting yourself from the doctrines of religion that harmed you when you were growing up and apparently vincente has known awsten since he was 13???? only thing i hate is the corpse ripoff ending so much so that i have a personal version where i edited that out. 8/10

fuck about it - BORINGGGGGG OH MY GODD. if you've heard one blackbear feature, congrats you've heard them all because they all sound the same and blackbear adds no energy whatsoever. he made a bayside instrumental sound boring you really can't underestimate him. anyways back to the song itself; the situationship has dissolved into pure sex and disinterest and annoyance outside of that and with the way awsten sounds like he plans having hate sex, i don't think he's ever had hate sex before. there's the ending synth i think is fun and that's the only reason this gets a point at all. 1/10

closer - it's a sweet song but um. haven't we heard this in a way before? *cough cough 21 questions* i think this is the closest (lol) parx comes to at a return to pre-fandom form, but when i listen to the chords too much i'm just like "did he lowkey rip off that one smashing pumpkins song". anyways it's just about needing to be closer to someone or ending the relationship completely. simple but effective but not nearly as effective as 21 questions for me sorry. 7/10

a night out on earth - ok i had physical tickets to the last tour bc i won them on idobi so i was like "THIS SONG BETTER BE AT LEAST DECENT BC I STILL HANG UP THE TICKET WITH THIS NAME" and it was at the least. it's like. a good waterparks song, but i feel like i've heard it already? my mind goes back to see you in the future but for these i can't tell who's ripping off who more lol. yeah i feel like other than some interesting production here and there it's a rehash of shit we already heard before. shoehorned religious lyric. fake ass band guys. "i turn my agony into songs and people only like when i'm hurt". "i've been dead since 2016" (part two). "i'm evil now. idgaf. wat ever."

and then i think the part that makes me go awwww but also confuses me is the im a natural blue radio interview snippet? like why does this all tie in together now. geoff's not even here bro how is this the only release where otto's the only one namedropped when awsten hasn't even named dropped him until last album. 80% the album is about some random relationship how is this supposed to tie into all of these.

idk i feel like i've just had this on my mind when when of my mutuals made their own analysis on awsten's mindsets towards life and said how he uses fear as motivation but his perfectionism keeps him from using failure as an editor and how this song was the peak example of this; the rehash of the same ideas over and over because despite his stubbornness, despite "ultimately -not- giving in to the perception that you’re worth ‘Demonizing'", he never confronts the problem for real, just compartmentalizes the problem away and doesn't truly overcome the root of his problems. that's what i feel like manifests in this album for me to be put off by it at its core. nothing ever changes, he just finds a new situation to complain at. maybe that's also why his fans never change even as new ones come though. maybe that's why we also stay stagnant in this with him.

again i get it, he's a public figure; if he did dive too deep into this and didn't choose to generalize the lyrics for his own sake, he would probably end up incriminating himself way too much and have a hard time performing some of these songs. but i can't help but wonder. if he's truly getting over a mental obstacle like that, or keeps himself so set on the future that he ignores the problems he never solved. like he always does. like he always seems to be doomed to. anyways, 7/10 song.

all in all, it's an album that tries to reach a concept of coming to terms with your sexuality and religious trauma all entwined in fame but in reality it's mostly just about a sucky situationship and awsten complaining again while putting in random religious references sometimes and the beginning and ending are about fame. my hot takes are: tennis imagery = gay sex, there's not enough of a distinction between "soulsucker" and awsten to make "album lore" when the overarching concept of parx's discography is "awsten's life sucks", and darth vader is luke's father. - iz

#i hope you liked this one anon and i hope it explains or relates to any other longtime fan's thoughts on the album #track by track

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ericstoltz · 3 months

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life update

hi!!! this is me presenting a proof of life post (after being away for a few months) 🥺

the first half of the year has been very very challenging for me, and it's mainly why i ended up not posting something after april this year

april - may

i had some personal things come up in late march and majority of its aftermath was severely felt in april -- that's probably the only thing i remember from that month. may was a pretty weird time since i though everything would be okay by then, but it turns out it was the mark of a 'point of no return' for me. i had my 24th birthday and it's probably the worst i've ever experienced, but i don't think i'll ever let allow myself to forget what happened since it's another mark of growing up for me.

some personal stuff aside, i've managed to watch some movies during those months (and it's mostly to distract myself from the bad vibes i've been experiencing). for april, my white boy of the month was roger daltrey -- i adore him a lot. i can't remember how i ended up listening to the who during that time, but i really loved their 'sell out' album (listening to it for the fist time was an Experience) and i ended up watching their concerts during most nights. my favorite first watches in april were: Class Rank (2017), Snack Shack (2024), Tommy (1975), Lisztomania (1975), and McVicar (1980).

for may, i only ended up watching 6 movies with leo dicaprio as my semi-white boy of the month -- i started watching some of his movies in late may because we've had rainy weeks and i thought his movies were fit for a rainy day. my favorite first watch was: Catch Me If You Can (2002). i also saw the basketball diaries (1995) that month and although it's a 2.5 star review for me, i thought the movie was pretty fitting to watch that month considering what has happened.

june

it felt like i was on a limbo last june, but i did manage to finish a journal. i started writing things down on a spare notebook in late april and i finished it all up in june, it was therapeutic and it made me motivated to keep a journal not for my future self, but to help my present self. i guess that may be the reason why i haven't been writing life updates here, i wanted to try writing things down for myself first to process everything and then filter out what i really feel about things (?), also scrapbooking when you have mementos is really fun. i also met up with some college friends that month and it was really REALLY fun -- i haven't been in touch with so many friends since i graduated so seeing them again gave me a major serotonin boost. i also finished a 500-piece puzzle that month which was this one:

i got 2 puzzle pieces on sale during father's day and i had some time off work so i was really happy i got to finish it (it's the first ever puzzle piece that i've ever finished). the other set was this one which i haven't started yet:

another major thing that's happened in june was the fact that i sadly have to give up my phone since someone lost theirs, so i opted to use my old phone, which, fun fact: i got for my 18th birthday. it's still pretty strong (except for the weak chipset for current apps), but it's still really usable (to my surprise). it made me remember how much i've been through with that phone and i think i won't give it up yet because of its sentimental value and the day it retires will probably be really sad for me. i'm now a fan of using devices until it dies down instead of constantly upgrading, i think it's really fascinating to see how long they'll wear out (which is a weird thing to say coming from someone w a job like mine ??).

anyway, i saw some matthew mccounaghey movies that month and i still can't spell his last name properly. my favorite first watches were: How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003), I Could Never Be Your Woman (2007), and St. Elmo's Fire (1985)

july

after watching st. elmo's fire in late june, i found out that andrew mccarthy made the Brats documentary and it was funny for me because i read his memoir last year. but the documentary still manage to make me miss him so i ended up reading his book 'Just Fly Away', it wasn't that great but, hey, it's andrew mccarthy. this july, i also tried to read more books for some reason and i ended up buying my workmate's old tablet -- it still works fine and i'm currently using it as an e-reader. i'm still deciding whether to buy a kindle or not because it's really tempting to get one and because i also wanted to try the display they always brag about... here's my july reading wrap-up!

i haven't seen that much movies this month and it would probably stay that way since i want to read more :) this may be the comeback of bookworm bea

if you've read up until here thanks so so much and pls know that ily. one thing i learned from this experience of being offline is how much i miss being part of little communities where ppl get to share stuff they like :( i haven't been part of something for so long and i really want to try joining again, but don't really know where to start... i know the easiest may be here on tumblr but i find it really hard to join and gain mutuals here :( the easiest may be on twitter/x but i think everything is so noisy over there nowadays (not just because there's so much people but because of the messy feed and constant adds), i've been thinking of joining bookstagram, but i'm not very ~aesthetic~ enough and i feel like everything is mostly likes and followers over there :/

if you can suggest me something please please do let me know! i really want to make friends w ppl love movies, reading, and exercising! (those are the things that i do in my free time often!!)

thanks so much again for reading and i hope you have a rad day !!!!!

#life update #in case u still remember me and the algorithm still puts this in your dashboard #hsjdsjds

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greaterstokesawareness · 10 months

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Stokes Song Spotlight: "Lush Life"

This first song spotlight segment is brought to you by me learning that the word "distingué" exists and what it means (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

Okay so hear me out, I was on the phone with my mom discussing normal everyday things like Frank Sinatra songs we've never heard before. My mom offered up the recommendation to listen to "Memories of You" from the new Sinatra Platinum release (x). While I was scrolling through this album on Spotify, I saw that "Lush Life" was on there.

"Lush Life" is a song that I had never heard before summer 2022 when I heard Brian Stokes Mitchell sing it at 54 Below. He told the story of Billy Strayhorn and Duke Ellington and how Strayhorn was a black, out, gay man during the 1940s/50s jazz scene. He wrote the song when he was 16! A few days after the 54 Below show, I heard Stokes sing the song on the Boston Pops performance that aired on the radio, and then again two more times live at the Perelman Center (10/5/23) and Ridgefield Playhouse (10/29/23). Ted Firth features prominently on piano, playing a long mood-setting intro before Stokes comes in on vocals and then another solo in the middle of the song.

“where one relaxes on the axis of the wheel of life, to get the feel of life..”

It’s one of those hypnotic songs, that somehow feels both simple and complex at the same time. I am extremely biased (you know where you are) but I’ll type it out anyway, Stokes’s version is my favorite. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen him sing it live and up close and you can tell he loves it too, but I also think his version is the most mournful. And what I mean by that is he just gets across all the story potential in the song. Like he paints the scene of a guy in a rumpled suit, sitting at a corner table, a fedora pushed back to the crown of his head, hungover and nursing a drink too early in the morning —but in that sad, smoky almost Edward Hopper-like picture you can also see that he’ll be back later, decked out and ready for those brief moments of life that the night brings when the band is playing and everything is right. I know I watch too many old movies it’s true. I guess what I’m trying to say is Stokes makes it cinematic ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ My next favorite version is by Sarah Vaughan.

Anywayyyy, I’m not gonna lie I thought the lyrics were “distant gay traces” but they are actually “distingué traces.” I’ve never heard that word before and I had to look it up, it means having a distinguished manner or appearance and it makes the song so much better. It also gave me the idea for doing these song spotlights because I love learning and sharing my dumb nerd research. So please enjoy the links below for more info about Billy Strayhorn and then pop your headphones on and give this song a listen in all its many forms. And here’s hoping that it makes its way onto a Stokes album someday ✨

[side note: looking up stuff about this song also helped me to learn that the aforementioned Ted Firth has an album titled Lush Life with Tony Desare and one of the tracks is, you guessed it, Lush Life!] (x) (x)

Links:

versions of Lush Life by Stokes (x)

playlist with other versions of Lush Life (x) (x)

the lyrics (x)

an NPR interview from 2007 in support of PBS documentary about Strayhorn (x)

Link to Lush Life: A Biography of Billy Strayhorn by David Hadju on amazon (x)

#brian stokes mitchell #jazz #billy strayhorn #duke ellington #lush life #ted firth #tony desare #greater stokes awareness: song spotlight #greater stokes awareness: author's note #greater stokes awareness

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adultswim2021 · 9 months

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Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job #39: “Tennis” | April 13, 2009 - 12:30AM | S04E10

The final 4:3 episode of Awesome Show! This is maybe one of the weaker episodes of the season, which is quite a shame. Shoulda ended the season on Cinco Bros, my men.

Spagett shills for Cigarette Juice, which features all the nicotine buzz you crave in the form of a canned beverage. It’s also got what appear ot be flecks of tobacco in it. This is one of those bits they do where the gross visuals do the heavy lifting, but I genuinely find this one pretty effective. “GOOD NEWS: CIGARETTE JUICE” is the jingle, and it actually is very catchy. It’s a weirdly believable slogan.

I also like the bit where Spagett is on the phone complaining to a manager or somebody that they refuse to give him a towel after dumping juice all over him. Him being an occasional cigar-user is fun, I love that for him. SPECIAL NOTE: one can hear a snippet of Children of the Sun by Robert Lueben, used memorably in the video of Tim & Eric playing with their pets from Nite Live.

Another sketch features Glen Tennis, making the title of the episode a double entendre. What a treat. I like this one too. Glen Tennis’s movie stars Grum, as seen in the Anniversary episode. He made a computer animated movie about the first Thanksgiving that is only slightly more inaccurate than what American schools teach kids. Grum mistaking the natives for “clowns” is hilarious, and the shot of him menacingly eating maize is very funny/memorable. I also appreciate the bit about the proprietary video system required to view the movie. It’s a good one!

There’s a sketch in here where two divorced-looking men sloppily eat wings and then it becomes a music video where Tim sings a sorrowful song about how he misses his wife. I don’t think this one’s bad, but it just misses the mark for me. A noble effort, I guess. I vaguely remember when press for season three was underway, one of the articles used a photo from this shoot. Tim and Eric episodes are like Guided by Voices albums, where sometimes a song recorded years prior makes its way onto the track listing. I don’t hate it, just don’t like it that much.

The rest of the episode is dedicated to the wraparound: Tim and Eric are in a million-dollar Tennis match with one another. Tim can’t even serve the ball and loses point after point, so Eric offers to call it off. Tim refuses, and then miraculously starts to pull it out. At the last minute, he fucks up big time. Eric wins, and he’s a poor sportsman. Not only does he gloat about besting his friend, he also smacks him in the head with his racket, twice.

This wraparound has some funny moments, but it’s kinda unfocused. I dislike them focusing on Tim’s double take when Eric mispronounces his own name. They should know better than to do that, come on. They do that kind of spoon-feeding “what-the?” style humor so infrequently that it sticks out the few times they do indulge. This is one of those times. There’s also a Mel Brooksian gag where they are very obviously replaced by doubles (Are these the Flight of the Concords guys? I think they might be?? They are supposedly in this and I'm guessing that's them).

This episode inexplicably features The Lonely Island boys and Fred Armisen, who just show up to root along at the sidelines of the Tennis court. The episode ends with David Liebe Hart clumsily delivering the line: “My best friend just got hit in the head by his best friend. Don’t you have any FEELINGS for him?”. Now that (a weird guy talking) I like.

MAIL BAG

GREAT stuff about the last Xavier episode we covered:

Ah damnesia vu! I also love this episode, in a lot of ways I kind of consider it the unofficial pilot episode to Off The Air just cause of how much DNA it shares with it. Weird, trippy, sometimes scary clips, all in different styles strung together seamlessly into one thing through video editing, starting on a cold open of some random video that gets bookended at the end of the episode which plays a moving song over the credits. I'm sure I'm describing it horribly but that's the gist of it.

This makes sense to me! I respect it!

I do have a lot of trivia on it, though: they made a page for the contest which was released on the adult swim website, and as part of the contest they released some of the actual 3d models used in the show. It's on archive DOT org if you dig hard enough, having the actual files used in a show always kinda fascinated me, to my knowledge It's the only show I know of that did something like this officially without it being a leak or a 3 second flash file on some animator's website.

I was most curious about what the contest actually looked like on a practical level, but didn't even know how to begin to look for that stuff. I had no memory of the contest at all. I guess I wasn't paying close enough attention.

The first clip, by grant of "3GI", he ended up doing something kinda similar in 2018 with the movie Shrek: "Shrek Retold", a bunch of animators redid different scenes. David Libre Hart & Michael Cusack (2 [AS] people) are in it, It got like 10 million views and a bunch of articles written about it. youtube DOT com/watch?v=pM70TROZQsI

You know, I looked at his page and saw the Shrek Retold thing and didn't even give a thought to click on that stuff. I had no idea that was such a big thing.

You already covered shmorky so I'll just point out he did a few bumpers for Adult Swim (including this famous one youtube DOT com/watch?v=0oBx7Jg4m-o) and link this other video he did, it's one of the most unintentional bits of cringe comedy ever made (that's his real voice btw) youtube DOT com/watch?v=F-4jZzfoEz8

I vaguely knew about the "THIS IS FINE" connection at one point, but I forgot about that. holy moly, dark stuff in that second video. I'm writing this in haste but I can't wait to make myself feel weird by watching that entire thing. THAT VOICE! I NEVER KNEW

The video towards the end where Xavier eats his own fingers was done by Devin Flynn, who created "Y'all so stupid" for superdelxue and did misc. Shorts on Wonder Showzen and Off the Air. I think all the submissions are on the DVD in full (could be wrong about this). I found a reddit post talking about the contest that links to archived versions of the pages & models. (reddit DOT com/r/adultswim/comments/70brc8/xavier_renegade_angel_3d_models_rediscovered/?rdt=40391)

I sorta suspected that was Devin Flynn, hell yeah. I just checked and the DVD actually has submissions that DIDN'T get picked! I should watch them, probably, but I'm not gonna for this blog. I'm going to do it for fun and not tell anyone about it.

One final thing: on your post all the links after the first one link to the ketchup video lmao

I'm not going to check because you're obviously trolling me and they probably all work fine! How dare you.

But, also, thank you for your service, you did a better write-up than I did. YOU FUCKERS SOUND BETTER THAN ME TONIGHT

#adult swim #adultswim2021 #tim and eric awesome show great job

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pikipekarmy · 1 year

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double fisting

So I spent a month in a more remote rural area working on my sister's farm, and in preparation for that, for not having a local crew really, I had created a second account. Not just for me to use; my sole local PoGo friend by the farm agreed to share it, and since they're red and I'm yellow, I made us a blue guy we could both log in to. Because what sometimes happens in really remote areas is you find a gym that's your color and you're like ah sweet and yeet your guy in there and then a month later you're like there was an open space in that gym because nobody ever goes there and now your guy is stuck and you can't get him back. So what you need is for someone of a different color to go knock over that gym. But out here where it might well be 20 miles round trip for your buddy to come help you, that's not real realistic. So what you do is you get a second account, log in as that one, and boot yourself.

Local Friend had a semi-broken phone with no SIM card that they could load Blue Guy onto, and after a while of that, they gave me the old phone. I forget why now, as I've been so tired I haven't been paying attention well, but now I've got Blue Guy on a separate phone and have brought him back to Buffalo with me. He hasn't existed long enough to really level up in friendship; I've traded him a few things, like a machop to beat Giovanni with, paying forward the favor paid me when I was at his level, but trading is hit or miss when you're not ultra friends etc., so I haven't done that much of it. The idea, though, is that if we get him a reasonable squad of raiders, then between the three of us we could do five-skull raids.

We tried it. We failed. But it was Tapu Lele, and apparently that one's extra hard. I'm going to figure out when we can try again, and set a time/date for it, and prepare proper counters if I can figure out how, and hopefully level up in the meantime. Not that I can even figure out a time to coordinate a single friend coming by, but that's just the full-on farm season for ya.

Anyway I drove back to Buffalo, the normal boring 300-mile drive, and at one point I was absently holding my phone in my hand and tapping the beat of the music I was listening to on my leg, and I remembered belatedly that the activity monitor in the phone counts that as steps and so when i opened the app i'd hatched an egg. So in my boredom at the long drive I then exited pogo on both phones, stuck a microfiber cloth between them, and then drummed on my thigh with the combined phones for two more albums, and when I got to Buffalo I'd hatched several eggs apiece. Well so, good I guess? It kept me very mildly entertained while not taking my eyes off the road, so it's win-win. I hate that long boring drive, if only there was a way to actually be exercising that whole time... I wish I took a 10km walk for real!!! but. Oh well. According to the app I did, so we'll just pretend that was how I spent that five hours of my life instead of The Thruway. While we're at it let's pretend I was horseback riding on a beach or something. Yeah. Oh that'd be sweet. Yeah okay. (I have no idea how my phone would count hoofbeats. Are those steps? I'll have to experiment someday. No I don't have a horse. But maybe someday.)

Yeah so-- I'm aware that having an alt account is technically against the TOS so don't turn me in. Literally everything about this game is hostile to rural players so I don't feel bad about occasionally being hostile in return. It's a game, I'm just trying to make it so I can actually access some of the features without resorting to other apps specifically designed for cheating.

Anyway apparently there was an event yesterday and I had my phone out and was playing during that event but I did not buy a pass and so I did not so much as see a single event-related thing the entire time, that was a new low for me! Usually there's some indication that something's happening, but no. That was not exciting! I hope that's not going to be typical, going forward. I guess I'm glad I hadn't gone to any trouble to try and play during this event, that would have been so frustrating.

#pokemon go #pikipek army #adventure sync #long car rides

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misfit-among-the-angels · 2 months

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*it’s hard for him to leave when you look like you’re about to burst into tears, but he knows you’ll be ok* *he also could tell from the phone calls that you were missing him greatly, and he hoped something could cheer you up* *he was relieved when during the second week you seemed to improve* *he has no idea about your secret plan and thinks he’ll just call you that night after the show for a virtual Valentine’s date* *he doesn’t need to show up at the venue until late afternoon so he’s still in his hotel room when you text him* *he smiles when he sees the picture of you wearing his shirt and the note underneath, but makes a questioning expression when he notices the background is not his house* “I’m very glad you got the card on time! So happy you enjoyed it.❤️ I’ll be thinking about you the whole concert and can’t wait to call you tonight!” *he texts you back and attaches a photo of himself with his fingers wiggling* “Also, I’m glad to see you decided to spend the day out somewhere. Curious where you are!” *if you won’t tell him, he’ll get it out of you later when he calls you* *he’s suspicious because you usually share everything very openly, but he isn’t sure what to guess it is* *soon though he can’t spend more time contemplating it because he needs to get ready for the show* *he arrives at the venue and meets with the guys and support band* Hey guys! *he does his usual jokes and everything is normal, except he can’t stop thinking about you and where you might be* *when the support band goes out to play, he changes into his stage clothes and puts on his makeup and clowns around a bit with the guys, but thoughts of you are still distracting* *they notice and ask him about it* Oh, it’s just my girlfriend texted me earlier with a photo, and she wasn’t at home. The background looked like a hotel room, but she wouldn’t say where she went! I’m just curious because it isn’t often she keeps things from me. *the guys laughed a bit and Jens patted him on the back* Well, Tobi, I think she’s planning a Valentine’s Day surprise for you! Maybe you’ll find out before you know it. Here, better review the lyrics again. *he hands Tobi the set list and lyrics notes, and Tobi spends the rest of the time studying* *finally it’s time to go out and he prepares to jump out from behind the curtain* Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome! To the freeeeeaaaak shooooow!!!!! *it’s his cue, and the curtain lifts and the first song starts: a new one from the album* *he begins the song successfully, but as he scans his eyes along the crowd, a familiar face pops out right in the front center* *he thinks he shouldn’t be so surprised since he knew something was up, but he still is* *he fumbles the lyrics of the second verse and barely recovers it without messing up the entire song* *all he wants is to run up to you and ask what you’re doing here, but the show must go on* *he knows you saw him recognize you, and now he has to push it aside to continue his job* *the first song ends and he makes some jokes into the microphone about forgetting all the lyrics and wishes everyone a happy Valentine’s Day especially those who are making a date with Edguy tonight* *he tries to avoid staring at you so much, but he can’t help it and smirks a bit as his eyes pass over yours on the way around the crowd* *then it’s time for the next song, and he manages to not forget any lyrics this time* *he tries to decide whether he should punish you after the show for surprising him and causing him to forget lyrics, or just have a very happy date in person instead of virtual* -Tobi (omg this is an unprecedented wall of text from me this time 😂 and I wanted to write even more.)

*i didn't need to wait long for his response to my message and I smile reading it. His photo though makes me want to wiggle. I text him back* "😉😚" *being all mysterious, but i also send him even more teasing photo where my special panties are visible. Soon he'll find out where i am. While waiting for the support band i keep expecting a photo from him but I know he might be busy. I do enjoy support band but can't focus on it too much as my thoughts are elsewhere. And then finally it's time! My eyes probably turn into hearts when i see him on stage. I catch a glance and i know he recognized me and he's surprised and then i grin and giggle because of him forgetting lyrics. I'm having fun because i love new songs and i already know lyrics so it's nice but it's hard to pay attention to other guys and my eyes are basically glued to him. His smirking makes me shiver and i let out a small noise knowing that nobody will hear it. I can't really do much to tease him but it's ok. I look him up and down and notice all the little things and especially rings. Seeing him like this with his stage clothes is definitely turning me on a lot and i can't help it but kinda undress him with my eyes and at some point, maybe it's it's third song in or something i get distracted a bit by imagining things*

#awww i love it tho 😂😚#roleplay #anon Tobi #answered

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jodilin65 · 30 years

Text

TUESDAY, AUGUST 30, 1994 Boy, I can’t believe how many entries start off with “I’m in a great mood” since I’ve been here, but it’s true. One of the reasons I’m in a great mood now is cuz I got my period. The other’s cuz I’m only on Phase 2, but yet it’s a miracle already. I’m nowhere near as tight or as wheezy as I am in the mornings or at the end of my day.

Yesterday I rearranged all the photo albums. It took a few hours, but it was fun and well worth it.

Yesterday my back sure was killing me, my boobs were killing me and I had a ton of water retaining in me.

Yesterday I got an 11-page letter from Bob, but none from my mom yet.

Last night I checked Andy’s VM, he had 57 messages. I was asleep when he came in to get his tapes, so I know he made it in OK last night. I haven’t talked to him yet, though.

Still no calls from Fran. Great, huh? I don’t know if it’s cuz he’s lost his phone, or what, but I certainly don’t miss putting up with him.

Tom’s working on installing new stuff on the computer and he’s having fun with it. Later we’ll do the thank-you cards and work on the new cooler.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 28, 1994 Boy, have I got my work cut out for me! I still haven’t gotten my mom’s letter yet, but I began a letter to my parents a little while ago.

Tomorrow I’ll have been here one whole year!!!!

Andy’s got 47 messages on his VM and he’s going to have more later.

Tom downloaded some new fonts from America online before he went to work. He told me to go through them and write down the ones I didn’t like. There were only two I didn’t really like that were samples and some of them looked the same but had different names. I really like Old English and St. Frances.

Tom’s going to show me how to make word search puzzles soon. Supposedly it’s really easy. All you do is size it, tell it what words you want to seek out, and it’ll scramble it into a word search puzzle.

The C drive crashed, so Tom had to transfer what was on there to another drive. This is why I’m glad my journals are on the B drive, as the stuff is not stored on a main drive. It goes on a floppy disk.

Shall I do another book of letters? I’m thinking about it and if I do, I’ll use 79. Got a letter from Kim yesterday, thanking me for all those Bob letters. She said she read them all in just two sittings. Wow. I thought it’d take her 20 sittings.

Tom got a book on how to make your own books, pamphlets, boxes, etc.

Yesterday he worked a lot on the cooler, making major progress with it, and I helped.

Yesterday we also went out and I got two bras. Haven’t got new underwear yet.

I got a triad optical illusion book to color. It’s a lot like the one Kim gave me in Deerfield that I’ve been looking all over for.

Also got 3 new really nice journals. Now I have a total of 81!

Sex with Tom and I have been so much better. In fact, we broke another record. He came this morning! I’m sure he’d never lie about it, but it was a mild one where nothing really came out. He said it felt really good like he was cumming, then it instantly got soft. Women sometimes have very light orgasms, so it’s possible for a guy too, I’d guess.

I wrote up the messages for the thank-you cards for Margaret, Geneva, Char and Jim and Goldie and Al.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 26, 1994 Got another shocker in the mail today. A wedding card and check for $50 from Goldie and Al. It makes me wonder who else will shock me.

It’s kind of sad to know, though, that if we had a kid, no one from my side would send even a card. Oh well, as long as Tom and I are happy. That’s what really matters. Tom said that if we did have a kid, I’d have nothing to worry about. Yeah maybe, cuz Tom’s right about most things and my parents have been known to shock me in the past. They’ve surprised me over the last few years.

As of yet, I don’t expect to hear from any aunts, uncles or cousins, but that’s their choice.

Our new color-splash address labels came. They’re really nice and there are 5 different colors - pink, blue, green, peach and yellow. I put some in journals.

Later…

Tom got up at 5:30 and we made pork chops and French fries. Then he ate me out and worked on the computer before showering and going to work.

I lay out for nearly an hour and I did get a little color. It’s pretty hot out there, but the strangest thing about it was, was that I didn’t see one bee. Fine with me, though.

I just checked and Andy’s got 35 new messages and 4 saved ones. A co-worker of his has also left several messages. I never really knew just how many minutes you could use up on VM, but I know it’s a hell of a lot more than on a regular answering machine.

I really hope to get my mother’s letter today, but in the meantime, I sent Kim and Bob’s. Weekends are when I’m the busiest, so I may mail their letters every Friday, instead of every Monday. When I’d send them on Mondays, they’d usually get them on Thursdays. If I sent it on a Friday, they’ll probably get it on Tuesday. Tom says maybe even Monday. It’s weird how it only takes 2 days for me to get mail from MA or CT, but if I send mail there, it usually takes 4 days. It’s 4 days back and forth to FL seemingly, too.

I did some singing a little while ago. It started off a little strained, then not too bad at all.

It’s been really quiet around here lately. I love it. May God please keep it that way!

Well, I’ve really been into word search puzzles lately, so I think I’ll go do that and I’ll write more later.

Later…

Bummer! No letter from my mom. I got all junk mail today.

Tammy got her figurine in one piece. Thank God. I hope my parents are as lucky and get theirs in one piece, too.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 25, 1994 Last Tuesday Tom trimmed my hair! Yup, he sure did, believe it or not, and he did a great job. He trimmed off about an inch. Now I can really be on my way to healthy hair by having him trim it regularly. No more worrying about some hairdresser suddenly going scissor-happy and taking off a foot or more.

Yesterday I called and told Ma all about CD ROM which we finally got, but I’ll get to that later. She asked if we’d gotten anything for our wedding from anyone she knows. She also commented on the thank you card that we sent them saying that that’d be nice to send to anyone that sends us anything.

At first I thought that it was kind of strange of her to bring that up since the wedding was almost 3 months ago. Then, the mail came and then I knew why she was bringing it up. Can you believe we got a card and check for $50 from Charlotte and Jim R?! This sure caught me off guard and came as a huge surprise, but at the time, it’s a bummer to know no one would send us shit if we were expecting a kid. Ma’s bad-mouthed the shit out of me to so many people for so long, that in their eyes, I could never be fit to be mother material.

I typed them a quick letter on all that’s been going on since I came here and when Tom gets up I’ll see if he can print out a thank you card with our wedding pictures on it. I don’t want to wait on this, though, so if I have to, I’ll just send the letter.

He’s been so busy. He hasn’t yet done up thank you cards for his mom’s two sisters, the 3-D postcards for Dave and Evie, Lisa’s letter, or my letter.

Anyway, Tom got up at 5 AM yesterday to show me CD ROM. It’s amazing! I mean, it is just so cool and it’s a tangible thing that shows me that my dream may still be achievable after all. It’ll take time and work, but it’s like having a quality home recording studio. It has a karaoke thing in it and you can record on different tracks just like they do in studios and on and on. It does lots of different things. We can’t make CDs yet cuz what we’d need to do it with costs a couple of grand. However, the prices will come down, but for now, we can go through the steps that come before the actual making of a CD.

I never thought in my wildest dreams that I could share my dream with the one I love, while we combine both our goals and dreams. While he’s promoting my singing, he can promote his programming and other things he does. I picked out some music to start with and he’s putting it into the computer without having to play it. Then somehow I’ll sing to the music and he’ll mix and arrange it to however it sounds best.

Yesterday for the first time in what seems and feels like ages, we had great sex. And I mean, great sex. We always say we’ll keep up on it regularly, but never do cuz of life’s unexpected happenings, but I hope that’ll change. I sure got my cake and ate it too, as he went down there and ate me out, as well as went in there. There was no pain or pressure at all. Especially when we do it on the living room couch. That’s a lot easier than the bed.

Ma said she mailed the letter she wrote to me, so I hope I get that today. I wonder what she has to say. I guess the usual everyday stuff.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 23, 1994 I sure thought I was going to puke a while ago! My heart was booming too, but after laying down I felt better.

Again I didn’t sleep too long. Maybe 5 for hours. I figure, though, my body wouldn’t have woken up if it were that tired. The bad thing about it is, is that it shoots my whole day with Tom. I’ve been up since 8 PM.

Yesterday when I woke up, I had gone the longest I’d ever gone without my meds. I was 6 hours overdue on it. I woke up very wheezy and was scared, even though I knew I wasn’t in any real trouble. I thought it would take a couple of hours, though, to get it under control, so I asked Tom to please leave as I didn’t want him to have to deal with it too. He said he’d rather stay to take care of me, closed his eyes, put his hands on my chest and it stopped. It just suddenly stopped. It was amazing.

Later…

Yuck! Gross! I threw up a little while ago. Luckily it wasn’t that bad. Tom heard me and came out nauseous, too. He didn’t throw up, though, which was nice. His is due to too much acid in his stomach and we think I fried the wrong foods. I fried fish sticks from a TV dinner and he suggested that it could be processed differently and not for fryers. Plus, there were no frying instructions on the box for frying.

Hang on while I go brush my teeth.

Later…

OK, that’s much better. Tom went back to bed. I feel much better and I can breathe OK and I’m not too tired.

Tom said not to worry about us losing time together cuz it’ll all work out. Well, his encouragement does help.

I think I’ve been going about the Phase-Out wrong. I’m supposed to draw on the cigarette before the holes and not cover them up with my lips. This way the hot air inside the cig mixes with the cooler air outside the cig to create condensation to trap the tar, nicotine, and carbon monoxide before they can get into my lungs.

I noticed stretch marks on the tops and sides of my breasts and asked Tom why it was so when I’ve never lost 40-50 pounds of “boob weight.” He said it’s cuz I never wear a bra, but not to worry about it. Well, I’m not worried, but I thought about it. I’m wearing a bra now, as support for any part of the body’s good just like when I wear the tummy/back supporter. It also helps relieve the soreness I get before that time of the month. I need new panties, so maybe sometime I can get matching bra/panty sets.

MONDAY, AUGUST 22, 1994 I taped the Barbara Streisand concert for my parents. I also typed a letter for Bob, so I’ve got letters going out to him, Kim, Lisa and Brian. I’m too tired to write anymore right now, but I will in an hour or so.

Later…

I just worked out a little while ago. The next time I work out two days from now, I’ll be adding the fourth and final weight. It’s pretty heavy now.

I spoke to Tammy, too.

When I showed Tom the thing I typed up which I copied in, he said he needs to work on communicating himself better to me. When I asked him if he was mad about it, he said no cuz he’d never be mad at me for expressing my feelings. Other than that, things are fine. He was in a good mood last night and this morning. I was, too. He grabbed my butt and squeezed it this morning and said he hopes we can have sex soon. Me too. I just get frustrated at times cuz of what I wrote before. I also want it practically all the time. I never thought I’d be like that and I wish at times that I didn’t have such an appetite.

He said he could feel my hipbone, unlike ever before. That’s cool, but I still wish my thighs and belly would go down. I still have some craters in the backs of my thighs too, and I weigh 102.

I cleaned Tom’s ears with peroxide and alcohol. The concoction Brenda taught me.

Piggles and I went for a swim earlier while Tom was in the shower.

Tom said that within a couple of days, he’s going to type up a response to all I typed up. He said don’t worry, though, it was all good stuff and he’s already thought about what he’s going to say. That’s cool and I’ll copy it in here.

I killed a huge daddy-long leg that was in my room by my speaker. I sang. I changed the sheets. I set the VCR up to record Andy’s shows, and that’s about all for now.

I hope I get the letter Ma said she did for me, but I doubt I’ll get it until later this week.

Where the fuck is our wedding pictures?! Tomorrow Tom and I will have to call them in Vegas and see where the hell they are.

Tomorrow we’re going to the post office to mail my parent’s tape of Barbara. Also, the figurines for my parent’s anniversary and Tammy’s b-day.

I may get my hair trimmed, too. It really needs it.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 21, 1994 Yesterday I was up for nearly 20 hours and when I fell asleep it was only for 5½ hours, so I’m pretty beat.

I got a letter from Lisa which I copied into 35. It’s so sweet, and she sent Tom one, too. I’ve written her back and Tom says he’s going to write her back.

Later…

It is now only 12:33 AM, but I will be copying this into my journal as is, after Tom reads what I’m going to type here. Why am I doing this? Well, I think it’s something that can help me and Tom. This way Tom can read what I write about my feelings so he won’t have to say to himself, “Now how did she word that?” or “What did she say she thinks or feels about this or that?” Sometimes it’s easier to keep track of written words, rather than spoken words. It’s kind of like what a grocery list does. You have a damn good idea of what you need, but a list allows you to always see it, so you’ll be sure to remember and better understand it. I won’t do this regularly. Only when there are things going on that are confusing.

Do I expect Tom to do this, too? No. Only if he wants to cuz I don’t want him to ever do something he may not want to do. Also, I understand that he has little time to do this and that writing and typing are more my things than his.

OK, there are 3 issues that have me somewhat or very confused as far as what Tom and I want and agree on. Other than that, I am very happy with my life and know I’m the luckiest son of a bitch alive and that Tom’s one in millions. The 3 topics I will write about are sex, having a kid, and company.

When I discuss all these topics I’ll be saying how I feel about them. Both the ups and downs on them, etc. I’m also going to say what I think Tom feels, but I fully understand that I could be wrong. Therefore, after he reads this, I hope he’ll correct me with the things that are wrong, so I’ll learn more about him and understand him better.

Sex…

I have mixed emotions about this, just like the other two subjects. I want to do it almost every day, yet I also want to never do it again. Right now I feel like the only thing that’s good about it is when he licks me. The thing I feel that greatly improved is his getting in there. It’s getting easier and easier and much less painful. But how do I think I make him feel? Like shit, if not close. It’s been about a year now and he still can’t cum. Does this make me feel confident and normal? No. What’s confusing me about it? Well, he says he doesn’t want to hit on me for sex. I feel the same way cuz I don’t want to make him think that we can only have sex when I want it. He says he wants to be spontaneous, but he also says stuff like, we’ll do it tomorrow or at such and such a time. He says when he lays down with me it could very well be a signal. But how do I know that? How do I know that he doesn’t just want to talk? If not, who makes the first move? Should I ever make a move when I’m almost positive he’s too tired, or should I wait and see if he does? If one of us wants to do one thing and the other wants to do another, should we both do what we want? Or should only one of us? And if only one of us, then who? When’s the right time during sex to suggest that I do certain things to him or that he do certain things to me? When should he just do whatever and when should I just do whatever without saying anything about it? If he goes to do something to me that I don’t feel like doing, should I tell him not to do it, or should I let him do it if it makes him happy? Should I ask him, for example, if when I’m doing him by hand if it’s too light or too hard? Or should I just let him let me know? Another thing is that I feel that he thinks that I think sex should only please me and that’s far from true, otherwise I wouldn’t care that he hasn’t cum and want to know what he likes. And doesn’t like, for that matter. Another thing, for example, is that he’s told me he couldn't care less about my hair, meaning he doesn’t care if it’s long, short, braided, etc. but is there something else he may care about that may arouse him? Anything, no matter how common or unique, like red lipstick, a blue G-string, or a black shirt? Does this make me wish Tom could magically turn into a woman when we go to have sex? Not at all, cuz sex is sex, regardless of what gender you do it with and it’s complicated with anyone. Plus, sex is more about whom you do it with, not what you do it with. That’s at least how I see it.

Well, that’s all my questions and feelings about that.

Having a kid…

This one’s the most complicated of all, cuz there’s so much more to it. Sometimes I think Tom wants a kid, sometimes I think he doesn’t. I think that’s normal, though, cuz I feel the same way. When I feel sick or tired, I’m glad I don’t have one. Or when Tom’s too busy working his ass off with little free time at all for even us. He said he wasn’t glad he didn’t have a kid and said he was concerned about what my reaction would be if we found out I was pregnant, but then just the other day, he mentioned using rubbers cuz he didn’t want one now or in 9 months. I can see him not wanting one now, but I thought he doesn’t usually get in the habit of trying to predict what he’d want in 9 months from now. So do I not avoid fate and the possibility of getting pregnant? Or do we rubber it up? I don’t know why Tom would or would not want a kid, but here are the pros and cons I came up with after thinking about it:

Cons:

Fear of miscarriage and the pregnancy killing me.

Fear of the pain and dying in labor or delivery.

Fear of losing Tom cuz I’d be a bitch carrying it and fear of losing him during having it and after cuz of the stress of it, lack of sleep and me being so fat.

Fear of the kid coming in between us and making us fight more.

Fear of us not having any time together.

Fear of postpartum blues and being a sexual turn-off.

Fear of lack of sleep.

Fear of losing our lives and not being able to afford it.

I don’t know anything about raising or caring for kids.

Pros:

A life and a responsibility to take care of and teach and watch grow with Tom and when I’m home alone bored.

Despite the fears I’d have, the curiosity of having a life growing inside me and having it.

A great learning experience for me.

The sense of knowing there’s someone I can take care of, instead of someone always taking care of me.

Instead of listening to and doing for other people’s kids, I could listen to and do stuff for my own.

Playing with it and learning different things as far as caring for it step by step with each year and its different ages.

Hoping and praying that I’d be the best mom I could be and breaking people’s beliefs that I’d be just like my mom (though I don’t worry what others think that much).

A human thing created with the one I love, rather than an object that’s ours like the computer or the TV.

Being there for it when it’s sick, sad, or makes a major accomplishment in life, be it personal or something it’s learned.

That concludes that one, but I still feel I’m sterile only cuz it’s hard to believe otherwise. It’s like with me being in Arizona. I never ever believed that could happen and it still blows my mind.

Company…

This is the least confusing one. We’ve recently done our share of talking about this, but there are still a few more baffling things about it.

First of all, here’s the #1 important thing I can say for both of us. I know Tom would never play daddy and tell me I can’t go somewhere, or do something or see someone. I love him for that. My thing is that I’d never leave without at least a day’s notice or several hours or if there was something going on where my attention was demanded here at home. The only time I’d suddenly leave would be if Tom was asleep or working and I know I could be back in time for him to be around (or very close enough). Or for example, if Andy or Larry called while Tom was sitting right there and they asked if I wanted to go somewhere and Tom said, “Sure. No problem. There’s nothing going on right now that can’t wait or immediately needs your attention.”

Tom’s made it sound like I’ve had lots of company since we’ve been married, but I counted since we’ve been together. Before there was that piece of paper, there was us, and we’ve been together for about a year. Here’s how I see my visitor track record. I won’t count Andy cuz he’s local and there’s never been a problem with Andy that I’ve known of. He’s never taken our time or taken me away from something important.

Kim, Phil and Alex were here for 3 days and Larry was here twice. Out of 1 year, I’ve been around here at the house 98% of the time as far as I see it. I asked Tom if he was jealous and he said no. Now, I’m sure Tom would come out and say it if he was, but I still get the feeling that he might be cuz of certain comments he makes, like, “Nobody takes me places.” Here’s an example. I’ll make up to further explain why I thought he was jealous. Let’s make pretend Andy’s here and he’s at work and he knows Andy’s here. Tom feels left out and then in a way takes that “left out” feeling out on me. Well, I hope he knows that there are times when I and everyone feels left out, but that doesn’t stop him from being my #1. Of course, my first choice is to go places with him, but I think everyone should have a right to their friends and family occasionally too, and I think he knows how I feel about that. He sees his family way more than I do and they all live here, for the most part, so I think he understands how I feel.

There were two other shocking things he said, that in my mind are far from true. He said I’ve got lots of friends and this whole other life that he’s not a part of. No way. I’ve got only Andy as a friend and I have no life at all other than my hobbies and chores here at home. There have been countless times when I’ve been home alone bored, wishing Tom were here, wanting to talk, wanting sex, wanting us to be in business, wanting to be a singer, wanting a kid, etc. He’s more a part of my life than anyone’s ever been. Even more so than Andy.

The other thing was that he said he was afraid he couldn’t count on me to help with the business if Kim stopped in, for example. You’re talking once every year or two, though, for 1-3 days. People put their regular life on hold much more frequently than that without falling too far behind in housework, their loved ones, etc. My parents have lots of company and don’t always travel together and they’re happy, so it can be worked out. Also, my brother, I guess I’ll only see 1-3 times a year.

I will use my best judgment possible when it comes to someone wanting to come here or take me somewhere, but all I can say is that I’d never put them over Tom. It’s just like when Tom goes away to work for 12 hours for 4 days out of the week. I still know that that doesn’t mean he puts his job over me.

To conclude all I’ve written, well, I know the easiest thing to do would be to never have sex, never have a kid, and never have company. Do I really want to do that, though? No. I believe in “no pain, no gain.” I’d really like to take the cons that go with the pros of all 3 of these things and try to get rid of all the cons I could in the meantime about each one. I don’t want to keep being a procrastinator or chickening out, despite how easy that is to do.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 20, 1994 Today I begin Phase 2.

I got up late today, and as of now, Andy should be in Springfield. The poor guy must be exhausted after flying and riding in a car for a total of 9 hours.

I taped his shows today and I’ll be doing that all next week, as well as Monday the 29th. When I went to check to see that his shows weren’t cut short at the end or the beginning, which they weren’t, boy did I get a hell of a view for the first second of the tape! Like I said, he’s renting a camcorder. Last night he told me he filmed himself beating off so he could see what it looked like from someone else’s point of view. Then he said he erased it but I’ve learned a lot lately about videotaping. For example, if I taped a movie, rewound it back to the beginning, taped another movie over it, you’d no doubt see a second or two of what was originally on the tape. He’s still going to film in here when he returns, by the way.

I’m going to go watch TV, then I’ve got some other stuff to write about.

Later…

I watched Tales from the Crypt and I’m now ready to write more. Tom and I are going to work on the sides of Piggy’s cage tomorrow so that the sawdust can’t keep getting out. Actually, we may work on it later on this morning.

I began to copy some of the pictures of animals and cartoon characters he downloaded. I’ve done about 7 of them so far and so far my luck’s been good. They’re coming out nicely.

My mother called a few hours ago to tell me that yes, she would like me to tape the Barbara Streisand concert that’s to be on HBO for two hours this Sunday. I had mentioned it to them before and asked if they wanted it, but she didn’t. Guess she changed her mind.

She also said that she had just got done writing a letter to me. Oh my God! With it being a once-in-a-lifetime thing for her, I figured I’d never get a letter from either of them until next year. That’s cool, though, and I look forward to it.

I typed letters to Kim and Brian and speaking of changing minds, well, Kim’s in for a hell of a surprise, but let me go have a cig first.

Later…

I had my smoke and did a few more drawings.

As you know, I decided to keep all of Bob’s letters in a notebook. Well, I’m filling up the rest of #35 and was so bored when I began copying what I’ve got. I figured - why keep so many copied letters? So, today I mailed out a manila envelope stuffed with letters. Kim will be really busy with that. Because she’s never home, it’ll probably take her months to go through them all.

So, what shall I do now? I think I’ll go do some editing. I definitely need some coffee first to go with the event. Editing’s so boring for the most part.

Later…

I just did a little editing and had some coffee. Now I’m going to go look back and see if I can find the date of when I had my last asthma attack, so I can be psyched when it’s been 1 whole year!

Later…

I found the date of my last attack where I had to call 911. It was November 16th. I’ve gotta make it to the 1-year marker. Please, God, let me?!

Later…

I wish Tom would get up now. I’m bored and although there’s stuff I could do, I really don’t feel up to doing it now. Maybe I’ll go draw some more. Sure, why not?

I’ve now got about 15 drawings done. Some look really good and others are just so-so. Now I’m a bit drained, so I’m going to lie down till Tom gets up.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 19, 1994 Boy, did I sleep late. I was up for a very long time too. I fell asleep at almost 9 AM and slept 10 solid hours until 7 PM. Guess I was exhausted cuz I very seldom ever sleep that long.

Tom and I chatted and fooled around. He also downloaded some pictures which I’m going to try to copy for kids’ computer coloring books.

Got my new SS card today as well as my license. This picture looks a bit better.

I sure got mail from Bob today. Like 12 pages’ worth. I also got a 2-page letter from Brian. Last night I copied some into #35. I’ll probably do more later.

Tom got a 1-month sample time/day planner in the mail today for the month of September. The thing a busy executive would use. It’s pretty neat, though, and we may get it for a whole year.

Tom went to bed at 10:00, then an hour later Andy came over. He brought chocolate-covered nuts from Joan and 7 tapes for me to tape his soaps. He leaves tomorrow at 2:30.

I’m doing laundry and hanging stuff out on the line. It’s fun and I don’t mind. Plus it saves us a little bit of money by not using the dryer. It’s just something else to do.

I did my workout with the 3 weights.

I’m psyched for Phase 2 on Saturday.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 18, 1994 I did a little editing. On one of my completed convo tapes, I have a convo with me and Nervous and another with me, Nerv and Fran. Both are so incredibly boring. Nervous is no fun in these convos cuz he was unusually calm and friendly, so right now I’m erasing them. I just run it through on play and record. This way it’s less confusing if I erase something I don’t want.

I just took my meds and boy do I like these time-release capsules better. They seem to work better. My stomach feels better being able to take these with food.

I think I’ll go decorate more envelopes in which Bob’s letters will be mailed.

Later…

I decorated one more envelope with my colored pencils.

I’m also erasing a portion of the other side of the tape. I’ll end up erasing one whole side, plus half of the other side.

I just had an idea. Well, every now and then I get in the mood to write but don’t really have much to write about. Journal #35 is only half full, so maybe I’ll go copy in there some letters I haven’t copied. I was using it for phone numbers, but there’s still plenty of room in #53 for phone numbers.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17, 1994 Yesterday was Tammy’s 37th b-day. I spoke with her and she was telling me about some of the things she got.

Today I went for a doctor’s appointment and I got 11 refills on my meds! That’s a year’s supply. They gave me the Theodur in capsule form, rather than in tablets and the good news about it is that I can eat with it.

On 9/7 I’ll be going to an ear specialist to ask questions about my ear.

Not too much else is going on. I’m recording a movie for Tom right now and now I think I’ll go listen to tunes, then make a pot of tea.

Later…

I did my workout routine and in a little while from now, I’ll take a bath. I could use some freshening up.

I was just listening to some edits while I colored up a few more pages in here. Perhaps I’ll do more editing later. It has been a while and I have some ideas to try out.

Tom mentioned something about getting up early to do laundry as well as computer work. Maybe I’ll be up when he gets up. If I am, I hope he’s in the mood for fun. We haven’t had any in nearly two weeks cuz we’ve both been so busy.

Andy left a message earlier about coming over today to hang out by the pool. I called back to let him know that sounds good, but I may sleep late tomorrow. I’ll call him when I get up. He’s now officially on his vacation.

Well, that’s all for now. Now I’m going to go finish my tea and take a bath. I’ll write more later.

Later…

I decided not to take a bath right now. I just stopped the VCR from recording and now I’m not sure what I’ll do.

Tammy had said something about mailing off a letter Lisa wrote to me. I hope I get that tomorrow as well as letters from Bob and Kim.

When the fuck is our wedding pictures going to get here? If they don’t come this week, I’m calling Vegas to give them a piece of my mind.

Later…

I just did two drawings. Both were women. One’s OK, but the other’s a nightmare. Now, I’m finally going to do some editing.

Tom will be home any time now, but in the meantime, I thought I’d write. I got up at 1 PM today. Andy and I talked earlier. He’s rented a camcorder and may come over later after Tom’s gone to bed to film. I’d really like to film the house and my wall drawings to send to Tammy and my parents.

Earlier I also did some typing on #51.

I took a much-needed shower, brushed out and straightened my hair.

I don’t really have anything else to say right now. Just that I’m bored out of my mind. I hope Tom will be in the mood to play around when he gets home, but we’ll see. He’s probably going to be too tired.

I made up some fried shrimp a while ago. It was so good, but I’m still hungry, so I’ll go make up something else.

Later…

I thought Andy said he was coming over tonight, but he meant tomorrow night. Friday he takes off.

Tom’s going to call in sick from work tomorrow so he can do more work on the cooler and also do some computer programming.

This Saturday I begin Phase 2 of the Phase-Out program. I will have two holes punched into the filter.

Tomorrow I add the third weight to the leg and bun firmer as part of my workout program. I’m disappointed to have to say that when I was at the doctor’s office I was weighed at 104. I took my measurements a little while ago and here’s what they are: thighs 20½, hips 33½, waist 25¾. That sucks and I’d really like to reduce these measurements by 2-3 inches.

I tried Tom’s weekly experiment earlier. He bought instant coffee with a box of different flavors you add to the coffee. You don’t need to put milk or sugar in it. Well, I didn’t anyway. It was a little bitter and not what I’m used to. There was French Vanilla, Mocha Almond, Irish Crème, and Amaretto. The last two taste like cough syrup, but I’ll check them out. In the meantime, Tom won’t be buying it again. I remember during 1986-1988 when I used to see Nervous almost every day, the two of us were really into cinnamon coffee, but it was brewed. Not instant.

Well, I think I’ll go do other things for now and probably return later to write more.

MONDAY, AUGUST 15, 1994 Tom just got up, and believe it or not, I was playing a little guitar. I’m getting really tired, though, so I expect to go to sleep soon.

Later…

Got up at 1:30 today. I quickly spoke to Tammy. I sent her a message on Prodigy and I also wrote up the last 7 postcards (3-D) to my parents, Bob, Kim, Tammy & Bill, Lisa, Becky and Sarah.

Tom came home early from work beat and has gone to bed. Now I need to go pee and I may go for another swim.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 14, 1994 Tomorrow’s workout day. I do it every other day and I’m up to 2 weights out of the 4 on the thighs. I’ll be at 3 in a few days.

On the 20th, it’ll be time for Phase 2. That means 2 tiny holes in the filter for 2 weeks.

Last night I was playing around with the 3-D postcards. It blurred into a multi-level, but I still couldn’t see the hidden image.

I took my colored pencils and decorated Bob’s envelopes with different colors. Last night I colored the outsides of my next book. Instead of gold-trimmed pages on a few of my journals, I now have one with lots of colors. My next journal has no lines in it and I may use calligraphy pens from time to time.

I tried sleeping a while ago but had no luck.

I asked Larry again, and he did say that Ma wanted to ride with him. Probably just her, though, as Dad will stay behind with the dogs. Really? They know a million people. Can’t they find someone to dog-sit for them?

I’m really bummed that Tom couldn’t meet Larry and Jenny. I sure hope they can meet the next time. However, the next time around, the kids could be in school and Larry could maybe be by himself.

Well, now it is time for a very big jump. We’re going all the way to journal 76 now!

Later…

Got up at 10:30 today. I told Tom all about seeing Larry and Jenny. He’s now taking a nap.

Other than that, there’s not much else to tell. I was just watching some TV and now I’m kind of bored. Guess I’ll go do some computer work now.

Later…

Tom just got up a little while ago and I just got out of the tub. It rained here today and rain always makes me feel yucky. I’m now finally starting to wake up now that the sun has set and I took a bath to freshen up.

I recorded a movie earlier and in about 15 minutes I’m going to record another.

What else can I say? Well, I’m in the mood to write, but I just can’t think of anything to write about.

Later…

Tom just ran out to get smokes and right now I’m kind of frustrated. I slept till 11:30 today and I really wanted to get up at 8 AM every day. I’ll just have to make myself, even if it means 4 hours of sleep for a while. Not much else is going on at this point. I think I’ll just watch TV for a while. Later on, I may do some more writing.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 13, 1994 We got a killer electric bill today of $425. Ugh! I told Tom to just switch over to the EC and that I’ll just have to get used to it and keep adjusting to this climate as I’m going to live here for the rest of my life.

I got up today at 11:30 and so far all I’ve done is take a shower and type Kim a letter.

My brother still hasn’t called yet, so his visit here is still up in the air. I’ll put my face on soon, anyhow.

Tom’s working on getting the other EC in. Although they say it’s only 100º, it’s 37% humid, so it feels like 110º. It’s deathly hot and humid in the house, so I’m really looking forward to the other EC being installed.

I just put the fan full blast by the foot of the bed. Now I feel much better.

Tom’s taking a shower right now, then I’ll go put my face on.

Later…

I’m kind of bored right now, just passing time and seeing if Larry calls.

Tom’s out of the shower and he’s now watching TV. When he’s indoors, he’s pretty much either at the TV or the computer.

The humidity in here just knocked down my journal chart. That’s OK, though, cuz after I finish this book I’ll have to update it.

Tom’s not in the greatest mood right now cuz he’s very overworked and we may have company. Tom’s not really any more into company than I am.

Sometime tomorrow I’ll type a letter to my parents. What shall I do right now? Oh, I don’t know. Just be bored and lazy, I guess.

Later…

I wish my brother would hurry the fuck up and call if he’s coming. I hate waiting. I feel like I’m in a doctor’s office.

Later…

I guess my brother isn’t coming, so I’m going to go for a swim.

Later…

I went for that swim I needed. Yup, I did and now I feel much better. More so cuz we switched back to the AC. The EC makes it too damn humid in August. It felt like someone took a wet sheet, heated it up to 200º, then wrapped it around me. This is the very type of weather, climate, and feeling I wanted to escape from.

Still no call from Larry, so who knows where the hell they are?

I started a shopping list and tomorrow Tom’s going to shoot on over to the grocery store after work. He’ll be going in at 5 AM for 5-6 hours.

Later…

Tom went to bed a short while ago.

It feels so much better in here now that the AC is back on.

I think I’ll go type up a letter to my parents now.

Later…

Guess who was here an hour ago? Yup, Larry and Jenny. I really stressed it upon him to call first and I’m bummed Tom couldn’t meet them. He said they were scouting the area when he recognized and remembered the way. They were only here for a little while, but it was so good to see them. Jenny’s only 2” shorter than me and boy is her hair long! It’s down to her lower butt. She looks a lot like Sandy. She’s skinny, but her face is very plain. Larry’s hair is now as long as Tom’s and he had it in a ponytail.

Tom and I may go to see his parents tomorrow.

I typed a 3-page letter to my parents. I had just finished printing it out when they came, so I quickly added on the back of their letter that they had just come.

I asked Larry if he still wanted Tom to write down directions and he said he’d remember. They’re now heading for Arkansas, then to Mom and Dad’s. I’ll eventually get to see Sandy and Larry.

Later…

I’m wide awake and probably will be for a while.

I forgot to check Prodigy for any mail I might have gotten. I’ll do that now, then I’ll go watch some TV.

I hope Lisa got her tapes by now and enjoys them.

I forgot to mention that in Larry’s truck were many boxes of whipped cream. Guess that’s just what he was delivering. They also had a very very small dog with them. It was so cute and I very fearlessly picked her up. Brandy’s her name. That seems to be a popular name for animals.

Later…

I just watched a little TV and went for another swim.

I haven’t checked Prodigy yet cuz I’m getting kind of tired, believe it or not. I know, though, that I’ll be up for several more hours.

A little while ago I had a sneezing fit. Tom said he thinks I may need antibiotics. I agree. I know what I need right now. A nice hot steaming cup of coffee. I haven’t had any at all today.

Later…

This visit went so much better, not that the first one with Larry alone was bad, but everyone was so relaxed. I can now really see what I’ve always figured. I’m his favorite sister. That makes me feel good, but sad for Tammy. If my brother was given two choices, one being to be paid to see Tammy, the other paying to see me, he’d pay to see me.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 12, 1994 Got two letters from Kim today and I also spoke to my parents. It’s their 43rd anniversary. I told them their present would soon be on its way. The figurines are done now. All I have to do is pack and ship them and pray they arrive there in one piece.

Larry called today. He was in Phoenix, but couldn’t find his way here. Jenny was with him. He said if they found their way here, I could’ve gone with them to CA and returned home tomorrow. Sounds cool but I wouldn’t want to just suddenly desert Tom. They’re going to try to stop by tomorrow in the late afternoon. That’d be even better, so Tom could meet them, too. I talked to Jenny for a few minutes, too. Larry said he may bring Mom out and that she wants to ride with him. When? I don’t know.

I finished my project in #71.

Later…

I’m still up, but not for long. I went for a swim a little while ago.

I got a 3½-page letter ready to go out to Bob on Monday. Over the weekend, I’ll type letters to Kim and my folks. I did a little typing on #51.

Spoke with Andy who’s psyched at the thought of having only 6 more days till he goes home. He had planned on stopping to see Tammy, but now he’s not sure if he’ll have the time to do so.

He really liked the 3-D postcard I sent him and he wants to get some, too. My dad said he’s still trying to figure his out.

I’ve got some color now, but I really wish I had the color that Tom and Andy have.

You know what I should do right now? While I’m still waiting to get even more tired than I am, I should write as many names as I can think of in case I ever do end up doing an autobiography. I still doubt I ever will, but I’ll try to go beyond those 48 names a few pages back. Even if I barely knew them, knew them long, or if they’re jerks, good people or both. I remember some people’s names and what they looked like but there are also so many people’s faces I see, but I can only remember their first or last names only.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 11, 1994 Well, today’s Nervous’s birthday. Andy asked if I was going to call him. What’s the point? Crystal will just hog the phone and not let us talk. With Crystal and the distance between us, it’ll never be like old times. He’s a closed chapter now.

Tomorrow’s my parent’s anniversary, so I’ll call there tomorrow. I finished their figurines as well as Tammy’s.

Tomorrow’s also asshole Fran’s birthday. I still can’t believe he hasn’t called, but tomorrow he may try thinking I’ll be all sweet and friendly to him just cuz it’s his b-day. He’ll have thought wrong, though, cuz I’ll hang up on him.

I called SS and someone was supposed to call me back, but never did. What else is new with them?

Tonight I’m recording 6 hours’ worth of TV for times I get bored or lazy.

Today Andy was over. We were out by the pool where I got more color.

I got no mail today, but we mailed out more of those 3-D postcards. I began two pages of Bob’s letter and by Monday I’ll finish that as well as do one for Kim and my parents. I’ll be back to write more later.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10, 1994 Just thought I’d take a break from the project I’ve been working on to get up to date on some of the things that have been going on. First of all, the major project I’m working on is in #71. I’ve randomly picked 48 people that I’m writing 2 pages about. Of course, I couldn’t pick everyone, so I just chose the first 48 people I could think of. Some of them are negative, positive, or both. Some I knew briefly, some all my life. Some are family, friends and acquaintances, lovers and enemies.

BOL #11 is done and from now on, all letters will go in a 3-ring binder or a manila envelope. I have a grand total of 293 letters! With the ones I haven’t copied, I know I’m just over the 300-mark! Wow! That’s a lot of letters.

Anyway, it’s a real sauna outside and very quiet. Tom said he thinks they took off next door a couple of days ago. He said the kids were all in the van and they were putting in boxes. Yeah, I think they did take off somewhere. Cool.

Yesterday I went to get a new license with my new name. They took another picture and I hope this one came out better.

We went to SS for a new SS card in the new name. He had to get a new one too, cuz he lost his a while ago.

Speaking of SS I called them today to find out what the hell’s going on. Am I on it or off it? She said I’m listed as on it, but I’ve got to call back tomorrow to talk to someone else. Like Tom said, if someone wants to give me money, I’ll take it.

Later…

I just did some laundry, so now I can write some more. Yesterday we ordered these colorful splash labels that say Tom & Jodi Lin S. Also a Post-it pad of paper. That says, Tom & Mystery.

We picked up two of the same kinds of figurines of a cactus with a narrow flowerpot behind it. One’s for Tammy for her birthday and the other is for my parents for their anniversary. I ran out of paints, though, so it’s delayed. I sent them cards saying that their gifts would be late. Tammy, who I talked to today, asked if I sent them anything and said she just sent a card. I gave her one hint about her gift and theirs. I said “paint” and she asked why she’d need paint. She asked if it was a picture. I said no, then quickly changed the subject. She’s no doubt going nuts trying to figure out what the hell it is.

I thought of a neat way to test my parent’s reaction if I ever was pregnant. Next April I’ll tell them I am as an April’s fool joke. If they flip, then I won’t ever talk to them if I ever do get pregnant for real. What if I were before April? Well, I’d really like Tom to be the one to tell them, but since he may not want to, I’m sure Tammy will.

Tammy asked how come Tom never calls her, but maybe we’ll surprise her one of these days. I told Tammy it works both ways. Bill’s never called me and he’s always welcomed to. Then again, I really don’t care for the guy.

Later…

My project’s 2/3 of the way done. Tom said he thought it was an excellent idea and that if he were teaching a writing class he’d tell his class to choose 20 people and write 2 pages about each one. That’s cool. I thought he’d think it rather strange if anything at all.

He may be a half-hour late this week as he’s stopping to feed his sister’s dog. She and Dave are in CA. He’ll also be leaving a half hour early before work to go feed the dog and let it out. I’m just kind of waiting for him now.

I guess I’m all up to date with everything. Gotta go get my jeans and Vegas tie-dye shirt off the line.

Later…

OK, I got my stuff off the line. The animals next door are there. I could hear them, but very faintly.

I am wondering if having my own child would impact the way next door annoys me. I believe the reason for this is that if you constantly hear your own children, it becomes difficult to distinguish them from others. Additionally, most people prefer the sounds of their own children over those of someone else’s.

Later…

I just heard the phone ring, but I figured it was just Andy calling to say hi, so I didn’t answer. It was a message from Tom, though. He’s at Mary’s and he’s going to be home between 7:30-7:45. I’ll have dinner ready for him either way. I made up cheese noodles with bacon bits and I’ll also make him two hot dogs.

I got a letter from Bob today and this time around he did something new. He addressed it to both of us.

I did my workout today and now I’ve got 2 weights in the thigh holder. In 2 weeks, I’ll be up to 4, the total amount.

I’m still on Phase 1 out of 4 until the 20th.

I did dishes, watered my plant outside, and that’s pretty much it.

Earlier today I had a sneezing fit for the first time in ages, but it was nothing compared to what I used to go through back East. Then, after that, I had the runs. I’m fine now, though. Last night Tom showed me a very easy way to print pictures and I did several. Today I was going to do some more, but I couldn’t get it started. Oh well.

Later…

Tom’s home now eating his dinner and when he’s done we’re going to chat for a while. I’m kind of horny and hoping for fun, but if he’s too tired I’ll understand.

MONDAY, AUGUST 8, 1994 Last night I’m sure the whole city of Phoenix was woken up by the massive thunderstorm we had. It woke Tom and I up sometime at 2 AM. It was really booming out there. I wished it was going on, though, when I was awake to see it. I like how I’m sure it woke them up next door.

Andy was probably pissed at being woken up and not up able to see it and enjoy it. He loves storms.

Well, I have 4 pieces of mail going out. A letter to Kim, a letter to Bob, Tammy’s b-day card, and my parent’s anniversary card.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 7, 1994 I have a million things to write about, but I’ve just been extremely busy to do so. Andy was over last Thursday and Friday. We hung out back by the pool, got some color and typed letters.

Yesterday I got a long 5-page letter from Bob. Also, my Phase-Out system came! I’m really psyched about it, too. It’s an 8-week program. Every 2 weeks you punch in 2 perforations into the filter with little tiny sharp needles.

Last Friday I taped The Guardian in SP. Luckily it came out just fine, but Andy kindly taped it as a backup.

It’s been peacefully quiet around here and Tom and I swam this weekend.

He and I are doing great and yesterday we had some serious fun sexually. It has become so easy for him to get in me and I’ve really loosened up. Today we didn’t have time for fun, but tomorrow we’ll make the time.

Yesterday, besides hot sex, we went out shopping. He got a computer book and some other stuff. I got 3 new journals, this pen I’m writing with, and also a purple one.

Also, 3-D postcards. When you look at them they’re all different kinds of pretty colors and patterns till you see the hidden image. It’s like stereo for your eyes. Tom’s mastered the technique, but so far I’ve only been able to see one postcard, plus a moving one he downloaded on the computer. There were 30 postcards. We’re sending 1 to David & Evie and I’m using the rest cuz he couldn’t think of anyone else to send them to. I’m sending 1 to Andy, 4 to my parents, 4 to Tammy & Bill, 4 to Lisa, 4 to Becky, 4 to Sarah, 4 to Kim and 4 to Bob. I put the postcard stubs and stuck a few at the back of this book. Mostly I put them in numbers 4 & 14.

Well, I’m totally beat now, so if I’ve forgotten anything I’ll write it in tomorrow.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 6, 1994 OK, now I finally have about an hour to write.

I just remembered that today’s that asshole Rosemarie’s birthday. I think she’s 30.

Gotta do my 1-2-3 workout today. The exercises are 20 minutes and the warm-up and cool-down take 10 minutes, so that’s 30 minutes total. I love the back and tummy supporter as well as the wrist weights. They’re great for when I’m sitting up typing.

I called my sister that day to tell her all about it, then got to talking with Lisa. She sang part of Get on Your Feet by Gloria and oh my God! That kid can really sing. She’s going to be great when she gets older. She already has vibrato. I didn’t get that till I was 22 and she’s only 11. Tammy says if that’s what she wants to do, she’ll support it. Thank God she’s not as negative as she used to be or is like Mom who was very discouraging. So, anyway, Lisa went on to tell me she wanted Gloria’s Spanish tape but had no money, so I made 3 tapes of Gloria’s best stuff.

I made 1 Spanish tape and 2 in English and I even put the voice exercises on that Bill made.

Now I’m going to go listen to music, but I’ll continue on later.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 4, 1994 I certainly have news to write about, but I’m so very tired now that I may not get into too much detail.

Yesterday my Tone-up 1-2-3 finally came and I love it! It’s the best method I’ve ever done. Clean-cut and simple. You do it 30 minutes every other day. I’ll expand more on it tomorrow.

I also talked to my parents. Ma asked if the shirt fits Tom, did he like the baseball, does he like sports, what kind of car does he have, what year is it, and do I drive it?

I talked to Dad, too.

I’ll write about Lisa and the tapes I’m sending her some other time.

Andy was here today and we were out back. I got some color and he may be over tomorrow, too.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 3, 1994 Got a letter from Bob yesterday as well as a wedding card and a letter from Alex.

I typed Alex a letter, but I won’t send Kim and Bob’s letter until Monday. I figured I’d send Kim and Bob letters every Monday and every other Monday I’ll send letters to my parents. I’ll send messages to Tammy whenever I’ve got something to say.

Our US West bill came yesterday. Amazingly enough, there were no calls billed from Fran. We’ll have to see how the next bill is and check the Sprint bill when it comes.

Fran also hasn’t called. What luck, huh? I really didn’t think he’d go down so easily. He’s not easy to shake off.

Yesterday we went down to a Social Security office. We didn’t have enough documents for proof, so we took forms with us. However, we can’t mail photocopies of documents, so we’ll go there again next Tuesday.

This Saturday I’ll probably get more journals.

Later…

Now I’m sitting at my blue card table, instead of laying on the bed.

I brought the old lamp I made in middle school in a woodshop in here and it’s now on the table. I just got up to wash the lampshade cuz it was filthy. I wish the lampshade weren’t so dark. I’d like to get a white one. The lampshade’s now drying out by the fan so I don’t end up getting zapped.

Tom will be getting up real soon. He has to work the next 3 days.

There was a surprise from him when I woke up. A huge poster of a still shot from our wedding video. It’s really cool. Sort of grainy, but if you stand a little further away, it looks so cool.

Yesterday we began our first task as far as shaping up the back room goes. We picked out tools that I may need, especially cuz he’ll have tools he uses in the back little room and the garage. He put up a pegboard on the door where the hot water tank and the washer are. It’s in this little square area between the garage and kitchen doorway. The other kitchen doorways are off the living room and off the back room, but that one’s more like an archway. I believe there were once sliding glass doors there before the back room was added on. Anyway, on the pegboard, we put screwdrivers (regular and Philips), a hammer, a pair of pliers, a broom, and a duster. I hung the mop up on a holder that was already there.

It’s 6:02 now and I think I hear his alarm. If he doesn’t come out by 6:05, I’ll go make sure he’s up.

Thanks to a commercial on TV, I learned something new. I have feminine powder, and I’d sit back on the toilet and try to stick some down there but when I’d sit up it’d go all over. Well, this time around I put it in my underwear. The tip came just in time as I got my period and it really helps keep me dryer.

Tom’s up so I’ll see ya!

Later…

Tom showed me changes he made with the picture printing program and now he’s eating hot dogs and watching the news.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 2, 1994 Boy, was I busy yesterday. I busted my ass cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing the kitchen floor and doing laundry. I washed the little rugs in the kitchen and bathroom and the curtains seem like they shrunk, though. Before I washed the curtains, I touched up the soundproofing stuff in the windows. There are tons of gaps in them, so I shoved in cotton balls and the last of the silver foil labels. Lots of the labels had fallen when I woke up. Instead of all the work wearing me out, it pumped my adrenaline, so I ended up being up for 20 hours when I finally knocked off at around 4 PM. I got up shortly after midnight. I’m still a bit tired.

Later…

Larry called yesterday. He started off by saying he was down the street and wanted to come over. I thought, holy shit! I’ve been up so long and look like hell. He was only kidding, though, and was at Mom and Dad’s in Florida. He said his plans are all fouled up, but he still hopes to get out here this summer. I told him all about my unpredictable schedule and why I understood that oh so well. He said Larry’s done riding with him for the summer cuz he has to go to school early cuz of Band or something like that.

Jenny just got back from camp, so she’ll go on the road with him. I hope to meet up with all of them eventually, but right now Larry’s done traveling alone.

I finally remembered to ask his age which I figured was between 38-40, but like most of us in the family, he looks younger. He was teasing me by saying I look 14. He saw our wedding video, and I thought, oh no! He said it was very good and I didn’t look fat.

He’s still looking forward to meeting Tom and when I said how blessed I was, cuz most guys are jerks, he jokingly goes, “I’m a slut.”

I don’t think that was a joke, though, at one time and I said I probably would have been too if I were a guy.

He also mentioned my possibly going with him on his rig maybe to CA for a few days. In the meantime, he doesn’t know when he’s coming, but I told him what Tom’s days off were.

MONDAY, AUGUST 1, 1994 Tom got up an hour ago. He slept for 12 hours. Lucky him. I wish I’d done that, too.

I was just playing with Piggy while he was working on his computer program.

I just did another huge round of journal housekeeping. I took out address labels that were in the wrong books. I wish I didn’t stick the stickers I just stuck in this book (4 of them). Why? Cuz I have so much doodling on the front and back covers of so many journals, especially in the beginning that it’d be nice to cover it. Well, I’ll be getting these TV dinners regularly, so little by little I’ll cover them.

Tom just came in and closed the air duct in my closet, so no spiders can come down.

Later…

Yesterday I didn’t do too much. I watched the women’s gymnastics and a movie I taped when I got up.

Tomorrow we’re going to go get my name changed with SS and also discuss the letter SSI sent. I still need to call the Registry of Motor Vehicles too.

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slowing-down-in-style · 10 months

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December 3rd, 2023 - lost in the draft box

I’m the kind of person who can fall asleep in the arms of someone and stay curled up there all night again. I can be forehead to forehead with them and breathe and be happy. I can nestle in and feel comfortable and content.

January 6th, 2024 - pen to pad again

This is the kind of closeness my heart and body have been craving. Once you find comfort like this it’s hard to imagine having anything else.

Thoughts on Friends and Music

I’ve been chasing the idea of a friend circle for my entire life. As a kid I never seemed to be able to settle into a place long enough to establish real friendships. Until I was late in middle school I didn’t even have a true best friend. I did have Kyle and Vince for a long time but.. I moved schools so much, and we didn’t have cell phones or the internet so I just lost people along the way for a while. I fell behind in classes too. School was so hard. I felt so isolated in a world where I was already isolated at home too.

Now, I’ve got this little group of people I’ve gotten pretty close to. We all started as just a little group of degenerate Crew fans who broke off and made a space to overshare adult themed content, but we grew into something much more meaningful. We developed into what I can really only describe as a support group for one another. We offer each other help, advice… its a place to vent in a non-judgements place and just exist as ourselves. We recently had to set up a few boundaries on the things we could vent on but hopefully that will be a productive thing and not a hindering one. Time will tell.

I have really enjoyed getting to know each one of them a little more each day.

One of the things that got me writing this morning was this playlist that one of them shared and specifically shared to me. Travis is this guy who feels his emotions pretty deeply like I do. So when he sets aside the time to say “hey, I think you should really listen to this song/album” I understand that this is so much more than just a random song recommendation. I had the playlist open only for a few moments before realizing it was going to be the perfect background music for writing. And so, I pulled out my iPad and here we are. He was especially chatty and thoughtful and pensive last night in the sever but in what seemed to be a whole lot of positive ways. If he ever reads this someday… Travis I’m really happy to have you as a friend and I am so proud of you for all the growth you have had this last year. It’s real visible growth and change and I’m so happy for you. Please keep growing.

This album/band he shared with me is called Sleep Token and god the music is just so perfect for writing. It’s hard to describe but everything is so drawn out and done with intention in every song. So it’s like when I’m writing while I’m listening to it the words I write down are the connecting threads between each part. It is so difficult to explain and probably makes no sense but at least it makes sense to me.

Something about me when I listen to music… the first couple times I listen to a song it’s like I’m listening to a song in another language. I don’t really process the words at all. I hear the melody of it, of the music, of the words… but it’s all one big conglomeration. I have to actually sit down and focus on the words, often times with the lyrics written out in front of me, if I’m going to process what those lyrics actually say. I don’t really know if this makes me so awful fan of music or not, but I guess it gives me a unique perspective of songs not everyone has. I have spent a lot more time in the last 7 months listening a little more closely to words in songs though.

I have more I wanna write about this but also wanna get this out of my draft box. So, more on this later.

#journal #2023 #2024

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meetmymouth · 2 years

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bestie : harry styles x best friend!reader

helloooo this is just something short and sweet for you guys. lowercase intended. best friend reader x harry. reblogs and feedback are welcome! enjoy.

yourusername has started a live!

she purses her lips as she tries to find a decent enough filter to hide the bags under her eyes. she wouldn’t normally care, but it was one of those days where everything about her and her face seemed so awful to her. she decides on a bright filter, and watches the number go up until people start gushing and saying ‘hello’ in the chat.

“hello, hello,” she laughs, seeing her brother’s username pop up as well as a few other familiar ones. “jack is watching my live, how sweet,” she refers to her brother, and starts reading other messages.

“i’m not drunk, it’s eleven in the morning!”

harry_lambert hi angel

ynlovesharry you’re so pretty!!!! hiii

harryscorn hi bestie where’s harry

“hi everyone– hi lambert,” she laughs when she notices his messages in the chat, followed by a few angel emojis. “you did well in toronto, they looked amazing.”

niallshorndog have you watched the red carpet???? omg

zaynxharry are you gonna watch my policeman?

harry_lambert thanksssssss x

harrystyles hi

gracewalkers12 whens the album coming out??

bendoverharry HARRYYYYYYYYYYY

wellbeafinelines harry is here omg

tobesoharryy y/n being supportive we love to see it

harryscorn HARRY IS HERE

“am i going to watch my policeman? of bloody course!” she says, itching her neck as the hot air in the bedroom seemed to suffocate her. “ha!” she laughs at harry’s message. “hi, harry. the album isn’t finished yet but soon!”

harrystyles you suck

ynupdates show us bambi!

ynandharry i love their friendship

harrystyles how do i join this live?

“bambi is outside,” she responds, eyes catching another one of harry’s messages. “harry, you’ve already joined the live, bestie.”

she watches other messages pop up, and starts talking about her favourite artists and the mtv music awards before she sees harry’s username pop up again.

harrystyles i sent a request.

harrystyles ahhh.

limabean89 are u and harry dating?

adele hi gorgeous

“oh my god, hi adele, what the hell?” she laughs, scrolling up to see harry’s messages again. she presses a few different settings before the screen doubles, and harry’s face pops up.

he’s in bed, only his forehead and eyes visible.

“am i on?”

“you are,” she confirms, laughing. “hi bestie.”

“hi bestieeee,” he says loudly, and fixes his phone so his whole face is in the frame. “what are you doing?” he asks.

“nothing much, to be honest. writing. what you up to– you seem bored.”

“i am. just chilling.”

ynupdates collab pls

ynsbananbread y/n pls date

harrysfineline HSRRY OMG

cherryxharry HARRY WTFHEBKFD

harry_lambert besties

ynsdivine HARRYYYYYYYYYYY

jeffazoff two idiots

1ddaydream HARRY ON INSTA LIVE WHAT IS LIFE

“okay i see,” she nods, reading the messages. “you love him more.”

harry snickers. “hard not to when you’re me.”

“twat.”

harry laughs. “the messages are coming through so fast, i can’t read anything,” he murmurs, eyes looking down as he presumably tries to catch up. “jeff called us idiots.”

she rolls her eyes. “takes one to know one, i guess.”

“someone just asked what i smell like,” harry clears his throat, and looks up again, eyes on his camera as it gives the effect of holding eye contact.

she does the same. “you smell good.”

he smiles. “thanks. niamh is asking what your favourite position is.”

“oh fuck off!”

kid_harpoon besties are live

ynupdates can yall date please lmao

nialllovescamila how can you be just friends with harry styles

“’how can you be just friends with harry styles’,” harry reads, then laughs, looking back up again. “well,” he says, straightening up on the bed. he leans against the countless pillows. “she keeps letting me down.”

“let’s not go there,” she says, already knowing the articles that will be published after harry’s statement. “bridget asks how i smell like,” she wiggles her eyebrows, making harry roll his eyes.

“rubbish.”

annetwist hi loves

annetwist 🥰

butterflyyn NOT RUBBISH OMFG

ynsbreadsticks ANNEEEEE

watersmelonsugars omg anne is here

she ignores harry. “hi anne.”

“hi mum.”

“what inspires you,” she reads another message.

“is that one for me?” harry asks, rubbing his eyes.

“i guess for both of us? what inspires you?” she directs the question at him.

harry bites his bottom lip. “everything, really– people, love, heartbreak, happiness... mostly people.”

“i guess, same.”

“great,” he laughs. “copy my answer.”

“stop being mean to me, oh my god.”

lhhfeverdream harry would you ever date y/n?

ynupdates harry do you have another album coming out soon?

harryfashionarchive our faves! hi besties

“would i ever date–” harry reads one question in particular, though she cuts him off.

“we’re best friends.”

harry laughs, dimples widening. “don’t knock it ‘til you try it, y/n.”

jeffazoff as if she hasn’t already

ynupdates ???? WHAT NOW

zaynsbeard ?? WHAT THE HELL OERKDVNSNC

gemmastyles this is disturbing

niallhoran 😂

#something cute for you all #harry styles #harry styles x reader #harry styles imagine #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles x y/n #harry styles concept #harry styles fluff #harry styles blurb #harry styles fic rec #harry styles writing #meetmymouth #harry styles x you #bff!reader

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styleslistic · 2 years

Text

How it Turned Out - Harry Styles fic Part 4

Y/N and Harry are nominated for the same Grammy and it's just a question of who will win. They finally meet in person but can they get over their phone call? Featuring anxious harry.

This is a much longer installment! I feel like we're really beginning to get into the meat of the story now.

Masterlist | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Taglist: @theekyliepage @sleutherclaw

Y/N wasn't really one to hold a grudge so she was more than happy to put her phone call with Harry behind her. Ultimately, she decided, it wasn't that deep. He'd misjudged where she was at in her career, and was probably not thinking about how the offer would sound from her end. And that was that.

It helped that they'd both been nominated for the same Grammy. Harry for his album Fine Line, and Y/N for hers called Morning Toast. That pretty much solidified that they were on equal footing to the public, and wiped any lingering imposter syndrome from Y/N's mind.

Y/N planned to make good on her promise to actually meet Harry now that she knew they'd be at the same award show. He seemed like a genuinely nice guy and honestly, their fans were right, they cold write an absolutely banging song together one day if they put their minds to it.

So she found herself bringing up their negliected text conversations the day before the award show, to send him a message.

Y/N: This is your 24 hour notice period to let me know if we're gonna end up dressed in the same outfit.

She needn't worry of course, their stylists will have made sure that their outfits were sufficiently unique, but it felt like an easy way to break the ice. Call it an olive branch.

But the hours ticked by, and no response. It was a little embarassing to be ghosted by Harry Styles himself.

Until an hour before she was due to leave, when her phone buzzed with a response.

Harry: okay I was going to send you a photo, but apparently I'm actually legally not allowed to. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Y/N smiled to herself. Olive branch successfully received! It was sweet that he'd thought to send a photo.

Y/N: Oof, very suspenseful!

Before she could wait for a reply, her phone was whisked away from her so they could do her final hair and makeup checks.

Red carpets were kind of awful, but since she was nominated, Y/N figured she should make the effort to talk to some reporters.

For obvious reasons, there were more than a few questions about her outfit. Namely who she had to bribe to let her arrive on the red carpet shirtless.

"Well," she told one interviewer. "I had to sign a lot of paper work saying that I would keep my nips covered, and then practice moving without flashing everyone. It took weeks of training." She winked for effect, and to keep the interviewer on her toes. In reality, she was obviously covered up underneath her jacket, and a hand in each pocket did more than enough to keep the lapels in place.

She moved onto the next person, who asked her "do you think you'll win?". It was a slightly cruel question that he seemed to think would trap her. But she'd faced plenty of those in her time.

"I'm up against some really great musicians, I especially love Taylor and Harry's albums. But equally I know I've worked just as hard as they have and I believe that my album is a solid contender. I'll be happy with whoever wins, but I think it'd be really special for an album that openly speaks about being a bisexual woman could get recognised." She felt good about her answer, toeing the line between confident and humble. But equally, she couldn't help but feel a little guilty knowing that not every artist had the luxury of being as open about their sexuality as she was.

She moved to the next person with a microphone, who greeted her warmly before

"Harry over here!" You hadn't noticed him, but he must've arrived while you were being interviewed. He looked up and smiled at the interviewer, mouthing a brief "hello".

"I know him," said the interviewer proudly. Y/N smiled generously.

"That makes one of us!" she joked.

"Oh, you've never met him? We better change that now," he said, beckoning Harry over again. This time Harry nods and makes his way over.

"Hi Harry. Congrats on the nomination. I've got your fellow nominee Y/N here too, and she was just explaining to me that the two of you have never met."

Harry turned to look at Y/N with a smile.

"That's true," he said, extending a hand. "Nice to meet you, I'm Harry." Y/N took his hand with an amused grin.

"I'm Y/N," she mimicks, keeping up their charade. "Now tell me Harry, are you famous or something, because I feel like I know you from somewhere."

The Harry and the interviewer laugh.

"That's a mighty fine suit you've got there Y/N, almost as good as mine," Harry smiles cheekily.

"Why thank you, although you seem to have been generously provided with a shirt for once, unlike me," Y/N smirks.

"Must be a special occassion."

"Actually," butts in the interviewer. "I'd love to ask you both about that. You're both pretty notorious for doing your shows shirtless, what is that about?"

"Uhhh..." said Harry with a shy laugh. He looked to Y/N for help.

"I can't speak for Harry, but I don't think it should feel all that outrageous for people to be able to see my body. People take it as a statement from me, and to an extent it is, but that's not why I do it. I do it because I like the way it looks, I like that people are seeing me on my terms and maybe a little bit for the drama."

Harry threw her an appreciative smile, before saying "It was nice talking to you," to the interviewer, turning to Y/N to say "Really lovely meeting you," and ducking into the venue.

Y/N said her goodbyes to the papparazzi and made her way in after him, keen to talk more to him. He seemed to have disappeared into the throng of people milling about inside, however, making him difficult to find. Y/N made the rounds, saying hi to friends and congratulating those who had been nominated for awards.

She was, however, determined. She scanned her eyes over the crowds of people making their ways towards their various tables and caught Harry just as he sat himself down on

Harry," she said. "Harry!" she repeated when he continued staring stubbornly in the other direction.

"What!" he finally snapped. Y/N frowned.

"Um, are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah," he said with an eye roll.

"I'm sorry, I thought we agreed that next time we met we would introduce ourselves properly," she said, crossing her arms for dramatic effect. "But if now's a bad time..."

"No it's, uh, thanks for saving me out there, I really did not have an answer to that question."

"No worries," she replied. He still wouldn't look at her. "I thought we could maybe have a chat, if you're interested," she continued.

"That's not necessary, I know where we stand," he said sullenly.

"What do you mean? I thought we had a deal that next time we were in the same room we'd finally have a conversation. Don't tell me that interview was all for show?"

"Well yes we did say that, but that was before-"

"Before I bruised your ego by rejecting your generous offer to make you look good?" she smirked, feeling like she'd hit the nail on the head of what his problem was.

"No I-"

"Relax, I'm a big girl. It's not that deep, Harry." She really meant it as well.

"No that's not what happened okay. That's not what I mean," he pleaded.

"Seriously, let's start over. I hear there's a spare chair at my table, and if you're not here with anyone, I think it's high time we got accquainted, yes?"

"Oh of course," he said, a little confused. "I'd be honoured."

"Honoured? My, aren't we old fashioned," Y/N said. "Alright, well my table is over there." She pointed to her table. "So when you have a moment, pop over and say hi."

Harry's eyes widened in some emotion that looked strangely hopeful given his previous rudeness.

"Yeah, I will be over in a few minutes, I promise," he said with alarming sincerity.

"Alright see you then," Y/N said.

As he had so solemnly promised, Harry did sit down at the spare seat next to her a couple of minutes later.

Y/N opened her mouth to speak, but found a hand planted over her mouth.

"Please just let me speak, first" Harry implored. "Don't say anything until I've said my piece," he begged. Y/N's eyes widened in confusion, but Harry just waited until she nodded before removing his hand.

"Jesus, take me out to dinner first will you?" Y/N joked, pointing towards his recently moved hand. Harry met her with an irritated look.

"Okay, sorry! Shutting up now." She zipped her lips.

Harry waited a moment as if to check she really was going to stay quiet, and then started speaking.

"I just wanted to to apologise properly for what I asked you. I am so embarrassed about how I treated you on the phone. I was so wrapped up in how great you are, and how great your music is, and I somehow decided that that was something I could use for my own benefit. I wasn't even thinking about how it would seem on the other end. I never meant to imply I thought I was better than you, or more successful or anything, because you're truly one of my favourite artists. And I just think you're so so cool and I'd really like to be friends. And now you think I'm some pretentious dickhead, and maybe you're right, I don't know. And then I was so rude to you earlier. I didn't mean to snap at you I was just so scared I was gonna fuck it up again." He blurted the whole thing out in one breath, staring stubbornly in the other direction and wringing his hands in his lap.

"Harry," Y/N said, cautiously reaching out to stop the movement of his with one of hers, and using her other hand to gently coax his face back in her direction. "You're shaking," she pointed out, concerned."

"Shit, sorry." He snatched his hands away and planted them solidly on his thighs.

"No it's okay, look at me yeah?" She gently pulled his hands away. "Look at me."

With what looked like a concerted effort, he did as she asked. His eyes looked a little glossy.

"God, this is so embarrassing," he said. Y/N shook her head as if to say this won't do.

"Okay, now you be quiet yes?" she said. Harry nodded obediently. "I was very sleep deprived and caught by surprised when you asked me to open for you, so I'm sorry if I came across angrier than I was. I was a little peeved, I'll give you that, but I meant what I said earlier. It's water under the bridge, let's forget the whole thing and be friends okay?"

Harry smiled nervously.

"You're sure you don't secretly hate me?"

Y/N chuckled.

"Course I don't," she smiled. "Now then, what do you say to a drink?" she said, reaching for a two glasses and the bottle of prosecco in the middle of the table. Harry nodded , and watched as she pours them a healthy amount each. She handed him a glass.

"Cheers," she said. "To us." Harry clinked his glass against hers. "And may the best album win."

"Oh please," said Harry. "Everyone knows it'll be yours that wins.

"I don't know... people seem pretty obsessed with Watermelon Sugar."

"Hey, you know for a fact One Time* outstreamed Watermelon Sugar by far," Harry pointed out.

"Youve done your homework, pulled that statistic out of no where didn't you?" Y/N laughed, surprised. "I may have outstreamed you, but only one of us was smart enough to release a song that was appropriate for the radio," Y/N replied, referencing the rather explicit lyrics of her song.

"You so could've come up with a radio appropriate version, surely?" Harry asked with genuine curiosity.

"Oh yeah, tell me how I could've rewritten the lyrics I just wanna take you home and fuck you into something they'd play on the radio without it sounding completely ridiculous."

"Hm, okay let me think," Harry said, taking a sip of his drink. "This is harder than I expected."

"Told you!"

"You could've said, um," he paused again, making Y/N laugh. "How about take you home and screw you, oh no, that's terrible." He shook hid head and laughed. "Yep, you were right." The pair chuckled.

An announcer came onto the stage and asked people to return to their seats.

"That's my cue to go back to my table, I guess," said Harry. "But will I see you at the after party? I'd love to talk more."

"Yeah I will be, I promise," Y/N replied, echoing his earlier words.

"Great." Harry hesitated. "And good luck, you really do deserve it."

"Good luck, Harry. So do you," she said with a smile. With a final nod, Harry made his way back to his seat.

***

The award show was good fun, with great performances from other musicians, including a few of Y/N's friends. But in all honesty, she couldn't really pay attention.

She was nervous about the outcome of her nomination. She wanted to win, or else get the whole thing out of the way. The anticipation was a lot.

But more than that she found that her eyes kept slipping to find Harry's several tables away. From their short conversation earlier, it was clear they had a similar sense of humour, so when a presenter or a winner said something that made her laugh, she looked without thinking to see if he was laughing too. Almost invariably, he was. More important, though, was the fact that more often than not, he was looking at her too. And that meant... well it meant something, she wasn't entirely sure what.

Eventually, the time came for Best Album to be announced, and neither of them could look away from each other for a second. It's you, mouthed Harry. Y/N grinned and shook her head. It's definitely you, she replied.

Then the person on stage started to speak.

"And the winner of this years Best Album goes to..."

The room seemed to close around the two of them, as they waited.

And waited.

On stage, the announcer opened the envelope and took the card out at a glacial pace.

"It goes to Taylor Swift!" The announcer shouted.

Harry and Y/N's eyes widened in joint surprise, and they just sort of stared at one another. Y/N had quite honestly forgotten that other people were nominated for the award at all. She mechanically started to clap, eyes still locked on Harry, who remained as confused looking as ever. An honest to God grin broke out on Y/N's face at the sight of it. It seemed he had forgotten the very same thing.

Harry seemed to knock himself out of his bewildered stage with a chuckle, which caused Y/N to break into a quiet laugh, which made both of them giggle. Y/N took a deep breath in through her nose to try and calm herself, conscious that there were probably cameras on her.

Finally, when Taylor started to speak into the microphone on stage, Y/N dragged her eyes away from Harry. She really owed it to Taylor to give this speech her full attention.

The next chapter will be Harry and Y/N hanging out at the Grammys after party and finally getting to know each other, maybe bumping also into an ex... who's to say.

*Y/N's song One Time is inspired by the song One Time by Chinchilla .I imagine Y/N's version to be a bit more guitar heavy/rock influenced but the vibe of song is just so good I had to use it. Especially those vocals at the end woweeee.

My askbox is open for any questions about the series! And for those wondering, I have deliberately set this series before Harry's House for ~plot reasons~.

#harry styles fic #harry styles imagine #harry styles x reader #harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #musician!y/n #how it turned out

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