#my only opinion is that it sounds extremely ill researched

[lovelesswiki]

Thoughts on the Negative Legend YouTube vids on the series?

if you want me to be completely honest, i have way too much shit going on in my real life to have the time or energy to watch someone tear apart a 20 year old series i genuinely enjoy and i will not be touching them with a 10 foot pole

[sir-arlieosaurus-lung-struggler]

hi ppl. Welcome to my lil corner of the internet i guess.

About me

I go by Show & Scar (& that is subject to change), I'm considering other names like Cookie, Dino (Deeno), and names that make me sound like an old white man

I use he/it + neos pronouns

Minor

Links

☆ @shketchark is my side blog for art & general creative stuff

☆ @Arlieosaurus-the-2nd is mainly a "reblog/random shit" alt account (I linked it cause it wouldn't do it itself)

☆ @namehelp is my side blog for names & giving ppl names through asks :] (long hiatuses are prevalent, depression is a bitch, ill always answer asks though, it will take a while, im sorry for this ;>)

☆ Heres my pronouns.page and my pronouns.cc with a dump of my flags & pronouns & stuff (the 2nd 1 is most extensive). Heres a post w/ my lables (linked) that is occasionally updated

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Favorite posts (links embedded in text)

☆ MMIP Zine

☆ Essay on being Native & Aro

☆ Art of my favorite Indigiqueer fictional son :>(Marshall for short lol)

☆ proximiplatonic/intaplatonic coining post

☆ STOO/Kiwi coining post

☆ april fools boop-o-meter

☆ aro ford hc & aro ford + bi mable hc

☆ village accent

☆ floating orb/void wish

☆ DONT BE GUILY OVER TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF (message to me)

☆ finding $30 after complaining I didn't have money for book of bill

☆ 2020 protest art

☆ election day

☆ election day vent

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

DNI/ppl i want to block me (plz :] )

Block me if you are: homophobic, transphobic, aphobic, a queer exclusionist, racist, ablist, a proshipper, radqueer, or a terf.

Block me if you voted for trump

NSFW blogs

Adult ran accounts are mostly fine but as long as its not NSFW, but I still examine caution around accounts run by adults

If you don't like me, just block 🤷 I couldn't care less

I'm online to be happy & for good experiences so I block liberally

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fyi

☆ you may notice editing/rewording on this section. This is cause i have extreme anxiety & fear confrontation- or just fear of interaction honestly. Therefor i fear making strong statments, even about myself & things im passionate about, & feel the need to explain everything (hence this whole paragraph. I'm making baby steps on this). I'm online for positive experiences, whilst I do that i attempt to educate myself, but things are multifaceted & require research & talking to people & motivation/depression dosnt often allow me that energy. I'm ultimately here to turn my brain off & escape. I have alot going on & my brain only takes so much. Editing this was just for my own mental security as someone with life long untreated anxiety & dosnt show change in my stances.

☆ I stand with Ukraine 🇺🇦 & Palestine 🇵🇸. I honestly dont support any state or gov, I support people, not an entity. I don't think the innocent should be killed on either/any side, I don't support killing innocent people in general. I don't post about them alot but thats my opinion & I'll stand by it. Ik having some flags in my bio doesn't do shit, this is just an fyi cause I don't really post about it & don't want ppl misconstuding me. I just use tumblr as an escape & dont feel educated enough to speak on the matter more than this & the occasional reblog. That and I don't want saying some shit wrong about such an important issue to bite me in the ass.

How you can help Palestine while being a child/minor

[schizopositivity]

recently i've been going into stupors for like 20-40 minutes where i'm just completely absent from the world and over the past week i've done a lot of reflecting and researching and OOPS does it turn out I have a lot of catatonic symptoms...

but no matter how much i surf the web i can't find anything on coping with them aside from taking meds (and i'm in like the three month long waiting period in getting referred to a psychiatrist. ugh.)...is there really nothing else that can be done with them? i have physical education next semester and i have no idea how to explain my symptoms to whoever my teacher will be. im thinking of going to my guidance counsellor but no matter what they can do to accomodate me im still just going to not be able to function normally in that class.

do you have any resources on how to deal with catatonic symptoms aside from meds, or at least how to explain them to non schizospecs?

to me this sounds more like dissociation. cause ive experienced both dissociation and catatonia and theres a distinct difference for me (and accounts ive read of others). this is purely my opinion based off this ask, i am not a mental health professional, just someone with experience.

dissociation you are not aware of your body, or viewing yourself from the outside or through an altered perseption. its common for people dissociating to feel absent from the world. i think its great that you are able to tell how long this goes on cause i know for me and plenty of others we cant really tell how long it goes on. spacing out is even a form of dissociation that falls on the less severe end of the spectrum. and that form is extremely common, i dont think ive met a single person who has never spaced out or lost chunks of time doing so. and dissociation is pretty common too, it comes in a lot of forms and is brought on by many disorders, trauma or stress. for me i have OSDD, so i dissociate very frequently and severely as a result of my childhood traumas. as far as treatments go, it usually is some sort of therapy to adress the cause of the dissociation. for me that was EMDR therapy that i found very helpful. as far as accomidations in school go, id advise you to go to your student resource center. for college there is usually an ADA office, for middle/highschool there is the counselors office. both usually require a formal diagnosis, or a letter of recomendation from a professional for you to show what your disorder/symptoms are and then you can tell them what accomidations you need for it.

catatonia in my experience is very different. i am very aware of my body. i am seeing the world as clear as i normally do, and i just simply cannot move at all or can only do one motion over and over again. for other catatonics they can appear agitated, be in strange positions, speak in echolalia and other symptoms that arent shutting down completely. for me, i feel trapped, and i tell my body to move as i usually do and it just cant. its extremely distressing, i feel broken, and im screaming and moving on the inside, but totally quiet and motionless on the outside. and if i am able to move one joint, ill move it over and over in an attempt to get some sort of help. catatonia usually occurs in disorders like schizophrenia, bipolar, autism spectrum disorder, and in many medical conditions. it is seen as a pretty severe symptom because it literally stops all physical functioning. and yes sadly there isnt much treatment besides medicine and just waiting it out (like ive done every time ive had it). from my experience it doesnt matter what people say or do around me, ill understand them perfectly, but it still wont snap me out of it.

from the outside these two symptoms can look the same, someone not moving and staring blankly. but according to the DSM, catatonia is not a form of dissociation. and although there isnt many public accounts of how catatonia feels, i have never heard anyone describe it as "completely absent from the world". but i have heard countless times people describe dissociation like that.

its also worth noting that not being able to move the body at all even if you want to can be a symptom of a medical condition, and if you have the chance i think its worth bringing up to a dr.

but if it really feels like being completely absent from the world i think thats something that a lot of people understand the experience of. spacing out is extremely common. and many people i know, people who do not have dissociative disorders, have experienced times where they spaced out and lost chunks of time. im not trying to downplay it or say its not cause for concern, but if you think the words fit, i think explaining it to other people as "spacing out" or "dissociating" will have a lot more people understanding what it is and how to work around it.

sorry for this very long answer, its just an intresting subject, and i have lots of personal experience with both and i want more people to understand the difference. once again i cant say for sure if you do or dont have catatonia. but i think dissociation is something that would be worth your time to research. and articles comparing the two are lengthy and talk more about underlying causes, while sadly i couldnt find anything comparing how they both felt, i do have my own experiences to talk about and hopefully explain it from the pov of the person experiencing it rather than the dr observing it.

[robynthomsonnapierfilm]

Moth! - The highs and lows of problem solving on set

The most challenging day on set for me personally was the day we shot scene 6 (dining room). We faced some unexpected issues this day so, as a team, we were truly put to the test of overcoming problems under pressure.

As soon as lighting and camera were done setting up for our first take of the day, our sound recordist Lewis realised that our sound equipment was not working. This put us under a massive time crunch because we lost a lot of shooting time while members of our crew travelled back to Craiglockhart to retrieve a replacement sound recorder/boom mic. This meant the assistant director and I had to go through the shooting schedule/shot list and cut out some shots as we no longer had time to shoot everything we’d planned (especially because this was one of our busiest shoot days in terms of the sheer amount we had scheduled to film, so we truly had no time to waste). I got Lilith’s approval to cut certain shots and then we were ready to go once the replacement sound kit arrived.

This caused Lilith to start feeling faint from stress to the point she had to lie down until the feeling passed. This was completely out of her control, so I don’t blame her at all, but the entire situation put me under a lot of stress which I feel has been reflected in the quality of this scene’s cinematography. 

Since Lilith was ill and unable to work at this moment, our AD asked me to take over as director for the time being. This, on top of the stress of adjusting my shot list to make up for any lost coverage, was an extremely stressful situation to be in. I had far less time to set up lighting and frame shots to the best of my ability, so this scene has a far more basic-looking approach than I would have liked. In my personal opinion, the framing looks quite amateur because I had to shoot more for the sake of getting coverage than aesthetics, which I know is equally as important, but I do feel a sense of disappointment watching this scene back and knowing it could have been much better under better circumstances.

That being said, I do feel a slight sense of gratefulness towards this experience because it proved to me that I can successfully work under pressure and am capable of problem-solving, even in a high-stress environment. I am very proud of our crew for not letting the stress of this day get to us too much and I feel this only proved further how well we work together as a team to support one another. One of our actors gave feedback that, out of all the student productions she has worked on, ours was by far the most organised and well-run set they had ever worked on.

Here are BTS pictures from this day, all taken by Abi Avery:

Working on Moth! this year has been a huge privilege. I feel confident in saying that we truly managed to achieve the goals we set for ourselves during the beginning of pre-production, and I feel an immense sense of pride as I reflect on how hard our team worked – both as individuals and as a group. I came into this project feeling nervous that I wouldn’t manage to do Lilith’s script proud, or that I may not have the skills to produce a final project that lived up to the expectations of my fellow crew members. However, through putting in hours of research, practice, and persevering through any challenges I faced throughout the production of this film, I have proved to myself that I am capable of producing cinematography work at a level I am proud of. This project has taught me so much and I have come out the other end knowing exactly what I would do again and what I would not. While it isn’t perfect, it has been a great lesson and I look forward to whatever project may come next as I can take what I have learnt working on Moth! and continue to learn and improve. I am proud to call myself a member of the Moth! crew.

[dapperinsanity]

*sighs*

TW: Controversial Thoughts/Opinion Ahead

Oh boy, do I hate learning about content creators who turn out to be shitty.

It isn’t specifically about anyone in particular. Just more of content creators around the media like tv, movies, cartoons, YouTubers, artists, etc.

I just don’t know how to feel anymore…

On one hand I feel bad for enjoying and watching a movie only to find out the creator is shitty and shouldn’t be supported. On the other side, it’s been happening so much in mainstream media that I can’t keep up anymore. I don’t have the time or energy to do all the research. I’m just here to get some entertainment to get my mind of things, not focus on drama.

Yet, I feel horrible for enjoying such content. To make matters worse, I tend to have hyperfixations and sometimes certain pieces of media I can’t just let go of easily. I can hear other people thinking “what’s the problem? It’s just one less interest?”

Well that’s difficult when mainstream media is everywhere and so popular. I can name so many problematic people in the media that you’d have to cancel most media. I’m not just talking about the internet here.

It also doesn’t help when personally, I just recovered from religious trauma. If you don’t know how that works, well I’ll put it this way. If you know anything about purity culture and extreme Christian’s, you know they try to CANCEL everything. Everything is evil or demonic! And well, it got to the point where I developed a subset symptom of my pre-scissoring OCD based around religion. It was so bad, I cut off all entertainment because I genuinely thought I was going to hell.

Once I got over that and got help, I finally let myself enjoy things which included media. An adult media since I’m an adult. Not nsfw per say, but general entertainment for adults ya know? Then I turn around and find out how shitty the creators are and I’m like??? Oh? The fuck? Let me actually give some examples.

For those who know me personally, and well, even on the internet, the movie “The Nightmare Before Christmas” has always been a childhood favorite and still is. It’s a huge part of my “life” I guess you could say because it was a movie that helped me through dark times as a child. Yeah, probably sounds cringey, but it holds a good place in my heart to this day. Well, I recently found out like a year ago? Or the beginning of this year, that Tim Burton was controversial and well, to put it bluntly, racist. Now, before I go on, I will say that Burton didn’t really work on the majority of the movie but the same could be said for other pieces of media as well since it’s not just one person working on a piece of media usually. I thought that I would have to give it up and I was devastated. I don’t like Burton and don’t support him. Yet, his stopmotion movies inspired me to create art. I don’t give credit to him at all but I enjoy the content. Jack Skellington helped me to cope with my undiagnosed mental illnesses and helped me to feel less alone. Also, here one link explaining some things in regards to Burton, here.

Now, that I have given one example. Let me give you 3 more ok? Let’s first start off with a well known company (which I’ll censor just in case) named “Diss-Knee”. I’m not even going to go into detail here as I assume most readers understand why this company is controversial and the many reasons. But many people still consume their content and I’m not judging anyone who does or doesn’t.

I’m going to move onto the next example. YouTubers, but specifically, cartoon/artists/writers centered creators. There are many controversial YouTubers in general but I’m focusing more on the creative side. I’m not going to name names at all here, but I’m sure you have found it that popular YouTube media (especially nostalgic 2000’s YouTubers) have surprisingly been exposed in “droves”. Now I don’t watch most of them once they’ve been cancelled but it gets a little more difficult if it’s a channel that has multiple people with either one (or a few) bad apples? Mainly, artist who create cartoons, music, games, and that stuff of the sorts. I will include a side tidbit and mention the OG FNAF creator, Scott to give clarity.

Also, I know I said I’d give only 3 examples but I’d also like to note something else…the super Mario movie and it’s voice actors…yes, I’m bringing it up. While, I haven’t done extensive research, I’ve heard some things about Jack Black AND Chris Pratt supporting/talking/saying some controversial/bad things. I don’t want to go into detail as I don’t have the facts. But let me get to my point.

While I feel horrible for enjoying content made by controversial creators and companies. I’m also very exhausted to find out HOW many have been exposed and has made media enjoyed by MANY people and is fairly popular.

Now, let me provide a side thought. Sure, horrible companies are huge and have control over most media that is well known. But I noticed something…YouTubers get a lot more shit than companies do. And I want to say this, while I understand companies have bad and good people, I feel like YouTubers could be similar. They all have bad and good people. So, if we’re going to “cancel” YouTubers, why aren’t we cancelling companies? Sure, it’s more difficult but there’s people out there who are either unaware of the issues or are aware yet do not care.

To put a long “rant” short, it feels like nowadays more and more creators, companies, YouTubers, artists, musicians, etc. have turned out to be horrible people. Yes, if the content itself is spreading a bad message/genuinely has offensive content and that’s the purpose, then we should “cancel” it. Yet, if the content is harmless such as a children’s movie, I feel like at this point it’s okay to enjoy a harmless kids movie that spreads a positive message (now if it’s a bad message then no).

It’s like when we buy food products. There’s so many companies and shitty people who have monopolized so many food brands, that it’s difficult to keep up on who to support and who not to support. On the other hand, a majority of people don’t have the money for brands that aren’t controversial as most controversial brands are cheap. People need food to live.

Yet, I know it’s not exactly the same as entertainment, I just feel like that most content creators turn out to be bad nowadays. It can be hard to keep up and can be stressful digging for research to see if the creator is a decent person or not. I’d like to make a big fucking note here, that I’m talking about non-controversial/harmful content such as children’s movies that spread a positive message, feel good family movies, adult movies that aren’t harmful and don’t spread a bad message, etc. Now if the content itself is harmful/spreading a bad message such as racism, sexism, anti-lgbt, etc. then it should be cancelled.

I’m just tired of being so paranoid that I might be accidentally be “supporting” a bad content creator these days by consuming their content. Sure, there are ways around it such as becoming a “pirate” but I feel bad watching anything nowadays. It is geared towards more to artistic (and musicians) content creators than companies because at this point, companies have taken over everything at this point.

I’d like to mention, that after healing from religious trauma, I wanted to become a better person and more mindful. I feel paranoid and end up feeling bad if I find out that content creators turn out to be bad people. More specifically around mainstream media, such as internet cartoons. I’m going to circle back a little bit, while I know it might be silly to feel guilty over watching the super Mario movie and indirectly “supporting” the voice actors…I just feel weird when I really think about it especially if I end up enjoying their performances (I’m talking about Jack Black being Bowser not fucking Pratt as Mario). It feels like a majority of well loved media could be cancelled with the people who worked behind the scenes ya know? I just don’t know what to do or think at the end of the day!

I hope you get my point. I genuinely can’t keep up anymore. There are things I have given up anyways but it’s more about the mainstream entertainment media these days. I would like to know other people’s thoughts on this so go wild in the comments. Please correct me as well!

[ninma]

A look at Dream's punishment through irl rules and taking into account UN's rules regarding prisons. Because it is just interesting and it proves how there is NO justification for it. But mostly because it's interesting to look at and you may learn a thing or two.

I have seen too many times people trying to justify Dream's punishment. I did research and read through multiple articles and documents (over 73 pages of two different documents) about the more legal sides of his punishment. While Quackity's physical torture is obvious, I am here to address that even before that it was still very illegal. I know it is fictional! This is just a look into the real life facts and rules regarding prisons because it is interesting to look at Dream's punishment and Pandora's Vault under the light of these. So keep that in mind while reading this!

Welcome to my ted talk with actual facts and be prepared for quite the ride!

While yes, he has done bad things...however he has not done something so bad that he deserves a punishment so cruel that it's considered too inhumane for even mass murderers. Like actually! Stay tooned and you'll see what I mean.

His sentence is indefinite solidary confinement. Which is defined by the united nations as:

"the confinement of prisoners for 22 hours or more a day without meaningful human contact."

This means his punishment fits the definition for all his time (including visits) except when Tommy was locked inn and now with Quackity (although I'd consider the last one a turn for the worse). Now that we have that cleared up- lets get into the rule breaking. But first, let me introduce you to The Mandela Rules!

"The Mandela Rules reinforce human rights principles, including

 the recognition of the absolute prohibition of torture and other cruel, inhuman

 or degrading treatment or punishment and effective guidance 

to national prison administrations for persons deprived of their liberty"

Now that we have established that, lets get into this concerning fact train!

Rule 43

1. In no circumstances may restrictions or disciplinary sanctions amount to torture or other cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.

The following practices, in particular, shall be prohibited:

(a) Indefinite solitary confinement;

(b) Prolonged solitary confinement;

(c) Placement of a prisoner in a dark or constantly lit cell;

(d) Corporal punishment or the reduction of a prisoner’s diet or drinking water;

(e) Collective punishment.

Yeah...pretty clear breaking of 4/5 there. They can't even break e! Not to mention the pretty explicit breaking of d that was probably a surprise. You can count it as them breaking 4/4 if you count the fact that they can’t even break e. Rest assured my friend, this is just the beginning.

Rule 44

For the purpose of these rules, solitary confinement shall refer to the confinement of prisoners for 22

 hours or more a day without meaningful human contact. Prolonged solitary confinement shall refer to 

solitary confinement for a time period in excess of 15 consecutive days.

Already broken this one too huh. Even visiting days counts because I don't think anyone has been there for hours and I also don't think Sam's interactions would be long enough or count as meaningful human contact. The time with Tommy and Quackity is the only time it dosen't count as solidary. So this is getting...very much concerinng. But this is still only the start.

Rule 45

1. Solitary confinement shall be used only in exceptional cases as a last

 resort*, for as* short a time as possible and subject to independent

 review, and only pursuant to the authorization by a competent authority. It

 shall not be imposed by virtue of a prisoner’s sentence.

2. The imposition of solitary confinement should be prohibited in the case

 of prisoners with mental or physical disabilities when their conditions

 would be exacerbated by such measures

Woops...so not only is it illegal as a punishment...but also the "he is a psychopath" argument (which is already a bad stereotype, but I won't get into psychology here. It's a common misconception and c!Tommy not knowing is almost to be expected. However please do not say that someone, character or real person, have a mental disorder or illness without proper knowledge about psychology and in the case of characters we shouldn’t put labels unless the writer has said that they have taken mental disorders or illnesses into account when making the character) just got yeeted out the window. Actually that argument just took a loop and now is an argument for the other side. It makes sense because as it says: it exacerbates their preexisting mental illnesses. Which is why it's prohibited. 

"In no case may a detainee’s contact with the outside world be

 dependent on his or her cooperativeness, be used as a disciplinary

 sanction or form part of the sentence."

  - Special Rapporteur on Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment, Civil and Political Rights, Including the Questions of Torture and Detention, ¶ 43, Comm’n on Human Rights,

“…The medical officer should visit prisoners held in solitary confinement

 every day, on the understanding that such visits should be in the interests

 of the prisoners ’ health. Furthermore, prisoners held in solitary

 confinement for more than 12 hours should have access to fresh air for at

 least 1 hour each day” - Subcomm. on Prevention of Torture [SPT]

Wow Sam...it is almost impressive in a dark way just how explicitly these are broken. The Warden's very punishments for disobedience just straight up counts as torture. And for the obvious record I highly doubt Quackity's daily visits to the green bloob counts as anything but 'the interests of the prisoners' health'. You can disagree here...but I am being very sarcastic.

Rule 22

1. Every prisoner shall be provided by the prison administration at the

usual hours with food of nutritional value adequate for health and

strength, of wholesome quality and well prepared and served.

Raw potatoes every day for the rest of your life..eehhh no thanks. If Dream ever gets out he will probably join me in the 'eating potatoes trauma' box. As funny as that sounds, it isn't a joke. I was force fed potatoes as a child and I hated it to the point where it gave me a mental block that stops me from eating them as my body just does not want to swallow it. It's a problem. But I can joke about it. Maybe Tommy will join us too, although it wasn't really the eating potatoes that caused that trauma...rip. Rest in anything but potatoes.

Rule 42

General living conditions addressed in these rules, including those related

to light, ventilation, temperature, sanitation, nutrition, drinking water,

access to open air and physical exercise, personal hygiene, health care

and adequate personal space, shall apply to all prisoners without

 exception.

I think it's pointless to say more on that topic as it's pretty much already summed up. Let us now move over to what are probably some of the qoutes so specific that it's scary.

“Furthermore, [the Committee] is concerned about the use of solitary

 confinement for indefinite periods of time.... Full isolation of 22 to 23

 hours a day in supermaximum security prisons is unacceptable

(art. 16).” - Committee. against Torture [CAT]

Oh wow.. talk about on the nose. I should've just started with this one as it pretty much says pretty clearly how it is unacceptable. Like yikes...can you get more specific? It is just downright ridiculous at this point. (-_-;)

“Solitary confinement, when used for the purpose of punishment,

 cannot be justified for any reason, precisely because it imposes severe

 mental pain and suffering beyond any reasonable retribution for

 criminal behaviour and thus constitutes an act defined in article 1 or article

 16 of the Convention against Torture, and a breach of article 7 of the

 International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights."

Ahaha...ha....yeah for those who justify it...the convention against torture is very much against it being justified...Imagine if the characters could read these rules, that'd be interesting. Although I am pretty sure they don't follow realism for the imprisonment. As I have already said; this is just an interesting look at the irl rules and how Dream's punishment and Pandora's Vault stand under light of them.

“No prisoner, including those serving life sentence [sic] and prisoners on

 death row, shall be held in solitary confinement merely because of the

 gravity of the crime.”

 - Special Rapporteur on Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment

Like...there are no loopholes here. It is so extremely clear that it truly is darkly impressive how the characters don't seem to have a second thought about this. How do you accidentally sentence someone to a lifetime of torture without realizing? If they do know...It'd be very dark.

Btw Tommy's exile and his time in prison doesn't count as solidary confinement. Just to clear that up.

It amazes me how badly they break these rules...I know they probably didn't take the realism into consideration. However it is still kind of darkly impressive. Especially considering how scary specific they break them too. Even though this is just a interesting (I was about to write fun, however I wouldn't count realizing how inhuman the prison is is 'fun'. But it is interesting) look at Dream's punishment and Pandora's Vault under the light of real life rules for prisons. (lol my paranoid self have said this so much)

These facts also proves how saying it's justified...is kind of morally bad. Not attacking anyone! I just want to also say how while it is pure fiction and the characters in the story can have whatever opinion they want as they are characters. However when it comes to fans approving and justifying it without taking time to consider how it really isn't something that can be justified (real or no). You can have whatever opinion you want, however just maybe take some of what you have learned today and reflect over it? To think twice after having received new information dosen't hurt. I am not here to tell you what to think, so rest easy. Only to share some facts^^ (*so obviously scared of offending anyone*)

I recommend taking some time to look it up yourself if you want to look further into it. The psychological aspects of it is also interesting to look at!

I hope you have learned something here today and found this post and my research interesting! I spent hours on this so I hope you have enjoyed this! I originally posted this on reddit and I was very surprised at how many stopped by to read it and therefore I choose to post it here as well because you learn something and hopefully also gained a new perspective. 

Ninma over and out!

[princess-of-whump]

Effects of Isolation

I’ve been researching whump stuff for my fanfic and since I didn’t find that much on tumblr about it, I thought I’d share what I found with you guys!

This list deals with the effects of isolation, solitary confinement, trauma bonding and sensory deprivation (as result of isolation).

Of course, which of these symptoms are happening depends to the person and the circumstances. Not everyone will experience all of these. This is merely to help you write more realistically. For certain symptoms you might need to research before using them, but there's plenty of information on the internet!

If you want you can also send me an ask to request more research about a certain topic.

Psychological Effects of Isolation:

Extreme emotions

Anxiety

Panic attacks

Depression

Anger

Obsessive thoughts

Paranoia

Psychosis

PTSD

Self harm

Biting, cutting, hitting, banging head against walls

Losing track of time

Especially if no natural light source is available

Time seems to move slower

Claustrophobia

Hallucinations

Starts of with seeing shapes or points of light, can later become complex scenes

Happen because of a lack of stimuli

Also sounds (footsteps, music, voices) and touch (electricity, crawling insects, someone touching them)

Sometimes the room or furniture seems to move

Feel a “ghostly/evil” presence or someone watching them

Insomnia or irregular sleeping pattern

Loss of identity/individuality

Especially if no light available or only irregularly

Problems with processing information

Difficulties with decision making

Memory loss

Unable to think clearly/logically

Extreme feelings of dependency towards abuser

Unable to tell right from wrong since abuser is the only source of information

Headaches, Migraines

Physical effects of isolation:

Sweating

Dizziness

Heart palpitations

Heart races faster, harder and/or irregularly

Weight loss

Loss of appetite

Back and neck pain, muscle stiffness

Because of lack of physical activity

Immune system is more vulnerable

More likely to develop illness

Higher risk of death

Intense Daydreaming

Coping mechanisms used during isolation:

Making up/ solving mathematical problems

Measuring the room with hands

Constructing things out of food

Antropomorphising of objects (creating imaginary companions)

Walking/moving around, doing exercises

Trouble to resocialize

Aftermaths:

Get startled easily

Avoid crowds and public places

It can take months until the sleep schedule returns to normal

Prefer confined small spaces with less stimulation than the outside world

Self isolation

Got so used to the forced routine that they feel lost without it

Trouble to form relationships

Is an emotional, traumatic bond between a victim and a perpetrator that is formed through reoccurring abuse. The main factors to establish this are a power imbalance (dominated-dominator dynamic) and intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment. Victims are unable to leave and if they somehow do, they often come back.

Trauma bonding

How it happens:

First incident (if the victim is not forced) of abuse is often not severe and followed by affection

Victim believes it won’t happen again

Power imbalance – victim is below abuser

Abuse starts to get worse

Victim starts to believe it’s their fault

Victim realizes the abuse but the bond is too strong to break free

Low self-esteem, Negative self image

Effects:

Take on the same opinion the abuser has of them

Self blame

Increased risk for mental health issues

Emotional dependency on abuser

Trusting them because the victim believes the abuser is right

Fixation on the 'good' side of abuser

Trying to please the abuser

e.g. By following rules, behaving, submitting

affection by the abuser makes their brain release dopamine - victim becomes 'addicted' to abuser

Keeping the abuse secret

Either out of shame or to protect abuser

If the victim is isolated, they become even more dependent on their abuser. They are the only source of stimulation, distraction or information.

The victim starts linking them to good things, like getting food or water and social contact. This makes them want to be around the abuser. Even torture could be seen as a distraction.

I hope you find this helpful and interesting! As I already said, I definitely encourage you to do more research so your story can be more accurate! I do not guarantee that all the information is correct but this is everything I gathered.

If you want to read more of these, send me an ask or message with a certain topic and I'll do some research on it.

[itsuki-minamy]

“K - THE FIRST STORY”

CHAPTER 13: ADDY (Complete)

* K - The First Story (List of Chapters) * Projects & Chapters

Translation: Naru-kun Raws: Ridia

His world was made up of many books and his sister.

Immediately after being called a genius brother, his life changed. They took him out of a school where ordinary children gathered and told him to study in a place where all the people around him were adults. There was no dissatisfaction or loneliness about it. He did not find anything funny in the school lessons that tried to teach what he already knew in a simple and one-sided way, and even in an environment without children of the same age, there was no problem as long as he had his older sister.

For him, a large number of books was better than a teacher, and the knowledge he gained from discussions with his sister became more and more profound. With his sister, he was absorbed in learning various things with his intellectual curiosity. The adults around them generously gave them what they needed to learn.

They told him to take part in the German military investigation when he was fifteen and his sister was seventeen.

They joined the military investigation team as requested. It was a tribute to the fact that they were given an environment to learn, and he also thought that the research and development site would be a place where they could play an active role.

Starting with the development and design of new weapons in the Artillery Board, they achieved several results. Apart from military research and development work, they wrote several treatises and obtained a doctorate. The teenage brothers' medical advancements were well received and sought after in the military, architecture, industry, and many other fields, and they did well everywhere.

It was in 1943, when he was 20 years old, that they were appointed chief and deputy director of a strange investigation.

"This is the Slate."

In the basement of a church in Dresden, he crossed his arms in front of the huge stone. Next door, his sister, Claudia, looked at him with a serious expression.

"Yes. This was embedded in the innermost wall of this underground worship hall until two years ago. There were rumors that a believer might see a miracle, and the institution of 'ancestral inheritance' excavated it. Due to this size, they did not carry it out and keep it here. Two months ago, in front of the guards, the same miracle that the believers saw happened."

He stood with his head held high when he heard the words of an investigator who was to be a subordinate in this investigation.

"It is a procession of the Holy Sun Han. A few feather insects formed a procession with a bright red light in front of this 'stone slate', and finally they were burned."

Well. The researcher looked deeply.

He approached the "Slate" and gently touched the surface with a geometric maze-like pattern.

It felt like a smooth rock. The hardness did not appear to be that high to the touch. However, the usual method has been found not to harm one.

"I wonder if the 'Slate' emits some kind of energy that affects living organisms. What do you think, sister?"

The older sister squeezed her kind expression, always smiling, and looked at the "Slate" with investigative eyes.

"It is too early to hypothesize that this bedrock itself is energetic. Perhaps the cause of the St. Johann procession was direct contact with the energetic magma or residual heat from the rock. I need a verification multifaceted."

"Yes. It seems that the truth of magma is a long way off, but let's start with the observation. It is very interesting. This 'Slate' has tremendous potential that no one has touched yet."

"I am also curious about the inscription on the stone monument that was excavated with the 'Slate'. The word 'King' written in modified Latin letters."

"I think the investigation begins in that area. It is a good place to probe, but it is very exciting, sister!"

When he returned his smile with his growing expectations and curiosity, she smiled as if she was in awe.

"Addy. You're like a kid again..."

Even if they called him a doctor, he would still be a child. With his sister, he was a free-spirited younger brother who was intellectually curious and enjoyed chasing what was in front of him, much like a child playing with toys.

"I feel like I can do it if you are with me, sister."

That said, the investigation on the "Slate" was extremely difficult.

He was appointed principal investigator of the investigation called "Project König", and his sister was appointed deputy director, and the elite investigators and the most modern equipment were prepared, but it was difficult to see the progress that seemed to be progressing.

To study the miracle, they first had to recreate the miracle. However, there was a long way to go to find out what factors could cause it.

For the moment, it took time to prepare all the measuring equipment, restore and decipher the pieces of the stone monument.

The investigation progressed dramatically after a Japanese officer arrived from Japan, an ally of the Third German Empire, in March of the following year.

Lieutenant Daikaku Kokujoji.

The encounter with him was important in his investigation of the "Slate" and in his life.

"It was an idea that he couldn't reach unless he met the Japanese magic lieutenant."

As he walked down the hall with his research materials, he said that he was ill. The lieutenant walking beside him flirted with a serious face.

"The opinions of the magic side would have been unacceptable to you, but thanks to the fluid understanding of the theoretical system based on the Five Element Thought, the progress of the investigation was rapid."

Lieutenant Kokujoji seemed to come from an "Onmyouji family" and was connected to a path that could only be described as "Japanese magic". The analysis of the "Slate" that the lieutenant had made from that perspective had taken a leap forward in the investigation of the brothers.

The Five Pillars is an idea based on the five elements of wood, fire, earth, gold and water. It seems that the "Slate", which suppresses the original power by sealing one of the items, was simply sealed like this.

The lieutenant used his technique to break a part of the seal and gave him knowledge. To be honest, he was too unknown to come to a full understanding, but he was able to continue developing equipment to operate the "Slate", and his sister and he built the theory of the energy that the "Slate" possesses.

"I don't think science is everything. If you stick only to the world you are aware of, you cannot wait for development. Thanks to the lieutenant, my world has expanded and I am sure it will expand even more in the future. W deflection modulator seems to be able to start early next year if it is in this condition."

He and the lieutenant were in the process of carrying out the institute's reports.

The Institute of the "König Project" uses the basement of the church where the "Slate" was found as it is. The place that should have been harsh is sacred because it is buried with various research equipment and materials. The air had completely vanished, but it was a familiar place to him, like his nest. In fact, his sister and he were building a house in a corner of this church. It was a small place for the brothers to live while they remodeled.

"Addy."

He hears a soft female voice. When he saw her, Claudia was across the hall.

The older sister who left the area where they lived approached them with a short run.

The lieutenant who stopped next to her seemed to stiffen his spine and was a little nervous. But this was not a bad tension. It is a thoughtful attitude of a young man towards a woman of strange age, and a reaction of a man named Kokujoji Daikaku towards a woman named Claudia Weismann who is "a little excited".

When she arrived in front of them, she first bowed slightly to the lieutenant. Her silver hair flowed smoothly from her shoulders. She had a soft smile on her gentle and delicate face.

His sister's facial expressions and movements were very graceful, but this is a bit different than when they were alone. In front of him, she came out more "squeaky", but with the lieutenant, she became a little softer and more feminine. A woman named Claudia Weismann was shown in front of a man named Daikaku Kokujoji, like a cute kitten.

"Thank you for your hard work, Lieutenant Kokujoji. Addy, are you ready to go to Berlin?"

"Yes. These are all supplies to bring."

He slightly lifted the box of supplies he was holding on his arm.

He was about to go to the party headquarters in Berlin to report on the current status of the "König Project". His sister and he were heading to Berlin with the lieutenant to explain that the long-defeated "Slate" investigation had finally progressed.

When he got up from the basement and opened the church door, it was raining outside. Large raindrops fell to the ground.

"It's raining. It's bad if the material gets wet..."

"No problem. I have an umbrella. Use it."

The lieutenant said that and opened an umbrella.

It was a red Japanese umbrella.

The skeleton was made of bamboo and lined with elegant red Japanese paper. The waterproof Japanese paper had a low sheen.

"Wow, a Japanese umbrella? It's cool."

"It's called an umbrella."

His sister, not the lieutenant, replied him, who gave a voice of admiration.

His sister had become thoroughly familiar with Japanese culture since she met the lieutenant. After the lieutenant sorted the Japanese ingredients that he received from his homeland, she became very interested in Japanese food, and had recently been thinking about it herself.

His older sister slid her slender finger over the bamboo handle of the lieutenant's umbrella.

"This is the first time I have seen something real. The skeleton is very beautiful."

His sister looked happily at the umbrella with a face that seemed delighted. The sound of raindrops falling on Japanese paper was a bit different from the sound of an ordinary umbrella and was pleasant to the ear.

"I want to go to Japan one day. In fact, I will see the culture and climate of the country where the lieutenant was born and raised."

His sister's suggestion made his heart stand out.

"I like it! Lieutenant, please give us a guide at that time."

She wondered if she would get a small answer, like a little carefree, but the lieutenant moved the military cap a little to hide his eyes from her and replied: "Yes.", in a shy way.

"I'm sure you will like it."

His sister and he looked at each other and smiled.

The three of them huddled like little birds in the lieutenant's red umbrella and walked a short distance to the car in a playful way.

The lieutenant was a collaborator in the investigation and at the same time the only friend to him and his sister.

The presence of the lieutenant blew a new breeze on both brothers who lived in a closed world with a wide range of knowledge, dedicated to study and research from a very young age.

Of course they talked about the "Slate" investigation, but they also talked a lot about other things.

The lieutenant listened with interest to the story of the investigation that his sister and he had done so far, and both he and his sister loved hearing the story of Japan from the lieutenant. The discussion with the lieutenant, who gave a sharp opinion from a different point of view than his sister, tended to be enthusiastic.

When the investigation got off to a good start, they had more work for their investigators than the lieutenant, and they loaned several books to the lieutenant who used to have more time. The lieutenant was a good reader, he read romantic poetry books that don't look good on his face, he read military books that fit his face and other books like history books, literature, plays, political science books, books of economy and several specialized books. He read anything. For Christmas, he also loaned her the first edition of "A Christmas Carol" that he read as a child. It was nice to see that lieutenant reading the fairy tale with a serious face.

He liked the printing of the book the lieutenant had.

Initially, the party headquarters in Berlin, rushed towards the outcome of the "König Project" and eager to hear the report, gradually waned interest in the investigation. The war situation deteriorated and there was no space to devote to research and other non-immediate effects.

Still, he was not told to stop the study. They continued the investigation of the "Slate", they left it half abandoned and unexpected. In a war that was to be ruined like an avalanche, they lurked in the underground laboratory of a quiet church in Dresden, on an isolated island, as they watched the violent muddy currents around them.

It may sound unscrupulous, but for him, the time spent there was a modest amount of happiness. He was able to dream the biggest dream of his life in a miserable time.

He hoped that, if this dream were to come true, it would glow in an era closed to darkness, leading to the realization of a world where everyone can be happy, regardless of war, enemies, or allies.

Almost a year after the lieutenant's arrival in Germany, the experiment that he believed in took shape and that led to the realization of that dream.

Based on the theory brought up by the lieutenant, his sister-designed W deflection modulator was completed by the end of the year. The functional test had been repeated since the beginning of the year and the results were obtained.

"Today, a formal initial experiment of the 'Slate' will be conducted with the presence of the lieutenant."

Before going to work, he put on a new lab coat to get excited. Commuting to work was just a short walk down the hall to institute. As he dressed in the living room shared with his sister, he suddenly noticed the carved wooden doll that was carefully displayed on the shelf and smirked.

It was a hand-carved klippe for him, the lieutenant, and everyone in the lab at Christmas. A set of dolls showing the Nativity scene. Centered around the Virgin Mary and Christ, Saint Joseph, the Magi and the angels are aligned. Between them, the two magicians, Gaspar and Melchor, were the work of him and the lieutenant. The personality and characteristics of each creator were reflected in strange ways, and it was strange that he and the lieutenant seemed to be lined up with mysterious faces.

It was the Christmas they held to hold their breath during the war, but that night, where he rode around the klippe he made for his sister, and a little gift with his sister and the lieutenant, was probably the most fun he'd ever had, can have been a holy night with hope for the future

Hope, yes, hope. He had hope beyond the miracles that this "Slate" brought. The lieutenant often raised concerns due to his personality, but is also passionate about the possibility of the "Slate."

He had never had a friend, but he thought he would be fine if he was with his older sister, but found the joy of working toward the same goal as his friend.

"Today I have to show the results."

Hoping the world would change, he turned over a new lab coat and headed for the "Slate".

That day there was tension between the investigators around the "Slate" due to an experiment that left an official video record to inform the top management.

"Ready to measure."

"Checking the Camera Operation."

"There is no abnormality on the 'Slate'."

"You can start the experiment."

"What about the example mouse?"

"Dr. Weissman will bring it in now."

With the serious voices of the aspirants flying around and the cage with the mouse in it, he walks to the experimental field connected to the "Slate".

The back of the mouse in the cage was marked in blue with ink. This mouse was a small creature with great "potential" that woke up during the "Slate" test the other day.

An experimental field, a dozen white mice had already been released into a large mouse maze almost 10 meters long, and they moved as they wished.

After confirming the situation, he lifted the mouse bearing the blue mark from inside the cage as if picking it up with both hands.

When he looked up, she found a serious-looking lieutenant standing in front of the experimental field. That day, it was the first time that he would witness the results of an experiment. After involuntarily smiling, he gently stroked the back of the mouse in his hand.

"Alright, it's time, little mouse. Show the good points to the lieutenant from Japan."

Showing the mouse he was holding, one of the researchers asked the lieutenant to listen.

"It is an experimental organism of the EX-Alpha group. It is under the influence of the 'Slate'."

EX-Alpha, that's what the "King" shows engraved on the stone monument excavated with the "Slate".

He gently left the mouse in a labyrinthine experimental field. An investigator in charge of the recording announced the start of the experiment.

"The blue mouse is ready."

The mouse was clearly different from the other mice that roamed the maze in an irregular manner. Lifting and wiggling his little nose, he catches the light of reason in his eyes and look around.

Suddenly, the "Slate" began to emit a faint blue glow. Just by looking at the sacred blue light from the "Slate" that had been there for a long time, he felt the unholy joy of receiving a colorful reaction from a person who had refused to approach for a long time.

A blue mouse in the experimental field was stained with blue light in response to the glare from the "Slate".

The bright light was also generated in the air one meter above the blue mouse. A sword-shaped crystal appeared from the round blue light.

"There is a reaction to the 'Slate'."

"Sword-shaped glow confirmation."

As the researchers watched, the blue mouse stood on its hind legs, wearing a blue light, and looked at the sword that appeared above it.

It was a beautiful blue sword with a hard mechanical shape. To humans, the little sword would appear huge to the mouse. The sword gleamed solemnly, point down. He believed that the sword-shaped blue glow is a symbol of "order."

After a while, the blue mouse started running through the maze of the experimental field without hesitation.

He never hit a dead end or wander in the same place. With a movement of being convinced of the way forward, he ran through the maze without hesitation.

Then the other mice moving through the maze suddenly changed their movements. They began to run with will and determined stride, and followed the blue mouse.

The mice formed a group and began to take in the same blue light as the blue mouse running in front.

The mice quickly went through the maze in the shortest distance, and when they reached the open area, they lined up behind the blue mouse and stood on its hind legs.

It was a strange sight. It didn't look like the action performed by a mouse, and he wondered if it was a mouse-shaped toy made by a human. However, this was the power of the group with the EX-Alpha of an individual "King". The group, led by the "King", with its sword-like blue glow, exhibited controlled demeanor and abilities comparable to trained human soldiers.

The lieutenant overseeing the experiment was impressed.

"Incredible! Will such power appear in humans?"

"Sorry, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

Satisfied with the lieutenant's reaction, he smiled. He began to explain with an excited heart, illustrating on the board.

"The strength of the link with the "Slate" is proportional to the complexity of the brain. To be more precise, the deviation from the law of chance creates a force field that envelops the Beta bodies in the vicinity, as it increases its intensity in the form of a geometric progression. As a result..."

"Will an army of super humans be born...?"

The lieutenant said in a heavy voice.

Certainly, that is why the party is investigating the "Slate". Bring the miracle of the "Slate" to humans, create immortal soldiers, form an invincible army, and finally create an immortal realm of the Aryan scientific race with the "Transcendental Master Race". Of course, he knew that "miracles" were needed to reverse the crisis.

But besides that, he denied the lieutenant's words.

"No, lieutenant."

He wrote "Freude!" on the blackboard and laughed at the lieutenant.

"This will bring happiness to everyone."

What he saw was not the victory of the country. This "Slate" shouldn't be used for something so small. What he saw was the happiness of humanity that would enter a new horizon after ending such a foolish war.

When the lieutenant answered something, there was an explosion.

"Red mouse, shot down!"

One of the investigators yelled.

When he saw it, a mouse maze that was not the experimental field where he was filming exploded and broke.

A mouse with a red mark on its back lay in the rubble of a maze that was broken and strewn across the ground.

The power of the red mouse seems to have escaped. A red, sword-shaped glow spawned in the air a meter above him.

The red mouse had been confirmed to have a tough temperament and the ability to provoke a firing phenomenon. Since he doesn't do well with the blue mouse, he let him play in a remote-placed maze, but it may have been stimulated by the generation of the sword-shaped blue glow.

He giggled cheating as he pondered the fact that he should have kept it in a separate room, and he heard a woman's voice saying "Addy!"

Perhaps he rushed after hearing the explosion, his sister was standing. Recently, his sister was doing research on her own and she was often in charge of the "König Project".

As always, he was glad to see her face and shouted: "Sister!", and raised his hand. The lieutenant was worshiping in silence.

His sister ignored him and spoke to the lieutenant.

"That... is there a problem with my little brother?"

"I just showed you the experiment. Right, Lieutenant?"

"We have confirmed the remarkable results. It is truly surprising."

"Well! But the lieutenant thinks these kids are like tools of war or something! It's terrible, isn't it?"

When he made a fool of himself, his sister yelled at him, scolded him like a son, and pinched his side hard.

"You shouldn't say such things out loud. We are receiving a stipend for your research."

"That hurts, sister!"

The older sister who scolded him like when she was alone with her brother, she remembered being seen by the lieutenant, and she smiled a cute smile that seemed to repair itself when she hastily let go of her hand.

"Ah... Lieutenant Kokujoji. Please... ignore what I just said."

She wondered how he reacted to her. The lieutenant, who always maintained his strict demeanor, wandered his gaze in slight consternation and replied.

"Hmm... Don't worry, I don't understand technical jargon anyway."

Before the serious answer, his sister and him, looked at each other and laughed at the same time.

In front of them laughing, the lieutenant was trying to put on a serious and expressionless expression, but when he saw his sister, he lowered his gaze a bit embarrassed.

The miracle caused by the "Slate" would create a world where everyone was happy. It was the day that the dream they had begun to take concrete form and he took the first step.

It was supposed to be like this.

Dresden was a city that remained beautiful during the long war, with little damage from air raids.

Many Germans said that Dresden, which had nothing to do with the munitions industry and had little military importance and was lined with beautiful historical buildings or had high cultural value, would not be damaged by airstrikes.

It happened on February 13, 1945.

A myriad of Lancaster bombers flew over Dresden, showering blocks and incendiary bombs.

The city became a sea of ​​fire and many people died. They were evacuated to the bomb shelter, but many of them were vaporized.

The city of Dresden, where the anti-aircraft guns were no longer working when the air defense organizations moved to the front, was left unprotected and unilaterally conquered.

His sister, Claudia Weismann, also died there.

"Sister! Sister!"

A roar shook the underground laboratory intermittently. The smoke rushed in and visibility was poor. The upper church could be on fire. The air was terribly hot. It was painful from the lack of oxygen.

He moistened the washcloth with the jug beside the bed, covered his mouth, and crawled across the floor.

His sister was not in her room. Recently, his sister seemed to be studying the "Slate" from another direction by herself. Not being in the room probably meant that she was with the "Slate". He whispered to his consciousness from afar and crawled desperately forward.

"Sister! Uh, ugh…"

As a consequence of calling his sister and screaming, he inhaled smoke and suffocated.

Still, he didn't stop and called his sister many times in a weak voice.

It took an enormous amount of time to walk down the corridor, which would normally walk too fast, and push the door to the lab room with the "Slate" to open it.

Immediately after that, heat rushed from the hall to the point that it was incomparable to the hallway. He accidentally closed his eyes. He managed to open his eyelids, which he didn't want to open to protect his eyes from the heat, and he saw the scene from the hallway that was in the lab.

The roof had fallen.

The collapsed rocky shoreline was crushing the experimental equipment. It was the "Slate" and the body of the woman that collapsed in front of it that left a safe form.

"Sister!"

He ran as best he could and hugged her. His sister's body had lost all power and felt heavy. She had almost no scars on her body and she closed her eyes with a calm expression to sleep, but she was not breathing. There was no pulse.

His sister, Claudia Weissman, was dead.

On the roof of the collapsed hall, the part of the church on the floor was raging with fierce fire. The air was boiling. The moment the roof came off, he breathed in the hot air that had entered, he burned his throat and suffocated.

He was looking up in a daze as he held his sister.

He couldn't think of anything. They, who were said to be the two-headed geniuses of the Third German Empire, were once again unable to think of anything, and one was useless and vaguely gazed at the sky.

The flame swirled. The roof of the church had already disappeared, either from flames or bullets, and he could see the sky beyond the flames.

The bomber was flying. Although that was hell, they never got tired of it and kept dropping bombs. From above, despair fell one after another.

He vaguely thought that he wanted an umbrella.

A soft umbrella that would protect him from this despair.

One rainy day, he remembers that the three of them got into the Japanese umbrella that the lieutenant was carrying.

The lieutenant protected him and his sister from the rain, while he wet his shoulders and back.

The sound of the rain hitting the umbrella was soft.

His sister was laughing happily.

(I want to go to Japan one day.)

When he realized it, he didn't feel the heat or the pain that had been bothering him.

He looked at his body slowly.

His body glowed pale silver.

He looked away from him. The "Slate" also emitted the same silver light as his body. He knew that scene. That was a luminescence phenomenon that occurred when an EX-Alpha individual was born in an experiment with mice, in which a W shift modulator activated the "Slate".

He looked up again.

A silver light was born in the night sky where black and red mixed reflecting the color of the flame.

The light fell apart and spread like an umbrella.

The umbrella of silver light that appeared above his head glowed for a while and then lost its shape and became the shape of a pointed down sword.

It was a sword-shaped glow.

A huge sword-shaped silver glow that was incomparable to what appeared on the mouse, was silently floating in the night sky that dispersed despair.

A bomb fell next to him. He could feel it. The detonation would take his eyesight and the scattered projectiles would hit his body.

However, that which would have ripped his limbs apart in an instant, did not inflict a single scratch on his body.

He, his sister's body, and the "Slate" that stood abruptly while the surrounding substances could not retain their original form, were there without any damage.

He was an EX-Alpha individual, that is, the "King" who displayed the stone monument, the "transcendental master race" who sought the party headquarters, and had the power to "make everyone happy". It was what he believed.

"Sister?"

He shook his sister in his arms and called out to her. If he had become a "King" with paranormal power, he now only had one wish.

"Sister, get up."

By incorporating others into the feedback loop of the causal bias generated by the EX-Alpha individuals, a new causal bias is generated and 8 individuals are produced. In other words, it is possible to give birth to a "member" who has shared the power of the "King".

He instinctively knew how to do it. The brain naturally understands more than the knowledge acquired as a result of research and experiments. Upon becoming an EX-Alpha individual, a strong resonant action occurred between him and the "Slate", and what could be called the memory of the "Slate" was flowing.

"Sister, take my power. I won't hurt myself anymore. The sore throat that just burned me is gone. I won't hurt myself or die. So, sister, you too."

He developed his own strength and continued to pour it into his sister. Waiting for an answer from his sister. If possible, he wanted to give everything he had to his sister.

But his sister never opened her eyes. His sister was dead. The power of the "King" cannot bring the dead back to life. Everything was slow.

He was supposed to be the "King", and he only held the corpse of a single family member helplessly.

How long had it been like this?

Before he knew it, the hellish night was over and the bombardment had stopped.

The sky was white and the early morning air was rapidly cooling the rubble of the city, which had been set ablaze by fierce fire.

He heard the sound of military boots running in the quiet that made him think that all the creatures had died.

When he raised his face, he saw a lieutenant out of breath.

The lieutenant was supposed to have been in Berlin, but hurried after hearing the news of the Dresden bombing.

He laughed softly at the lieutenant who stood up with a clear face. His cheeks shook his smile, and for the first time he realized that he was crying all the time.

"Lieutenant. My sister..."

His sister's body was already cold.

The lieutenant moved to Berlin with him, which was completely useless.

The Dresden bombing was divided into several waves and continued into the next day, resulting in a tremendous number of deaths. Due to the large number of evacuees and refugees in Dresden, which was thought to be safe, it seemed difficult to determine the exact number of deaths. Many of the bodies were burned by a whirlwind of fire and suffered indistinguishable damage.

For a few days, he was dumbfounded. The lieutenant told the party headquarters that he had become the first of what they called a "transcendental master race" by the "Slate." In fact, at that time, he was like a wooden puppet, far from being a "transcendental master race" or a "King". As an investigator that he was pitifully burned to no avail, he was left unguarded.

"The reason for the bombing was found."

One day, a few weeks after the Dresden bombing, the lieutenant approached him and said.

"It was a leak of information. The allied forces that seized the existence of the 'Project König' decided that it was a threat to eliminate."

The lieutenant's voice was clear. No anger or sadness appeared on the surface, and he made a calm, unwavering and firm voice.

"Weissman. If you still desire the realization of your ideals, abandon your human life from this moment on."

Hearing the lieutenant's voice, he couldn't even lift his face as he sat on a chair and was choking.

"He reigns as the only 'King' and rules all human beings. He condemns the fools. The equality and prosperity of humanity can only be achieved by having the power of ruin beyond human intelligence."

He understood the lieutenant's words. They had been thinking of ways to make the miracle of that "Slate" desirable as they progressed with the investigation. That was probably the lieutenant's answer.

On the other hand, he had been thinking about it. How to make everyone happy.

But now he couldn't quite remember his thoughts.

"Fulfill the "King's" responsibilities."

He couldn't think of his thoughts. Of course he couldn't even put it into words. Still, he had the feeling that the lieutenant's words were "different."

He just shook his head wordlessly.

"Actually…"

The lieutenant said in a low voice and took the holster from his waist. He pull out the pistol and point it at him in one fluid motion.

"If you don't, I will. But there shouldn't be two 'kings' on earth."

The lieutenant's finger went off. He looked up and slowly compared the barrel, which was aimed at his forehead, with the face of the lieutenant, who was determined to look.

"A bullet... Is that the punishment for the great dream we had?"

"No. Weissman, you don't have to suffer anymore. If your dreams are sins, I will take full responsibility and punishment."

The lieutenant's voice remained calm. It already seemed to carry everything. The prayers of the late Claudia, the work of his trying to get rid of the great responsibility of the "King" and the lives of the people of Dresden who were burned due to the investigation.

"As the only 'King', I will carry all the hatred and resentment of the earth on my back and fall into hell. Therefore, I will not meet you in that world... Say hello to Claudia."

The lieutenant fired.

Shots rang out, but the bullet missed his forehead.

The bullet was still in midair in front of his head, as if it had driven into a transparent wall.

"It's useless…"

He said he, powerless in words.

"That's not good... Lieutenant, fear cannot make people happy."

The form of the dream he had was no longer uncertain. But he did not want to make the in-between world brought about by the rule of a lonely "King" beyond dreams.

"Give me time. The answer is... I'm sure there is a way to happiness."

The bullet that was parked in the air exploded and disappeared. No matter what the shell is, he was already a "King". Nothing could hurt his body, he was the "King".

The lieutenant waited without lowering the weapon.

"Do you think I can believe your words right now?"

"I do not know..."

He got up slowly and managed to laugh at the lieutenant, feeling that he was crying.

"If she was my older sister, I'm sure she would say that."

At that moment, the expression of the lieutenant that he hadn't trembled for a long time was distorted.

He said that with a mixture of anger, sadness and various other emotions and stopped.

In the end, the lieutenant never let go of the passion he had been through, but simply turned his back on him silently.

Two days later, he was kidnapped by a command unit of the United States Army.

"Dr. Adolf K. Weissmann, right?"

The men who intervened were camouflaged in German army field clothes, but it soon became clear that they were American special forces who came to seize the technology related to the "Slate".

Information about the "König Project" was leaked to the Allies, which was revealed in the event of the Dresden bombing. Not only did the "Slate" study eliminate the potential threat from the Third German Empire, but the United States seemed to have been interested in the technology itself. It was a plan that was about to be abandoned by the German center, but he vaguely thought it was ironic.

They stopped and seized him, and began a march into the mountains with the goal of joining the Allied forces clinging to the Western Front.

He did not resist at all. He was not afraid of the multiple weapons pointed at him, they handcuffed him and a soldier grabbed his arm roughly. It would take the power of the "King" to break the steel handcuffs that had been placed on both wrists. He was afraid of him.

It was not the judgment that he should hide the fact that he was a superhuman created by the "Slate". But stronger than that, the reason why he made the decision not to resist was an unmistakable "fear".

Without using the power of the "King", he killed his emotions and was attracted as he was, and on the second day of walking through the mountains, the march of the commando was greatly disturbed.

It seemed that the enemy had already started to take over his personality. The command unit, which had no land, was blocked by the pursuit unit, and gradually driven east, facing its original destination, the Western Front.

If he headed east as he was, he would reach the Eastern Front. While American and British troops were invading the Western Front, the Eastern Front was pushing the Red Army of the Soviet Union to the point where an all-out attack on Berlin was imminent. For the US commando unit, joining the Soviet Union's Red Army ran the risk of failing in the mission of stealing Adolf K. Weissmann's special confidential information from the Red Army's side, or worse, assassinating all members of the unit.

Looking at the faces of the Commando soldiers, who gradually became impatient and frustrated, he kept thinking vaguely the entire time.

If they could complete their mission and he was handed over to the United States Army, would he tell them about the "Slate" as they asked? Still, if they believe that "Slate" can bring happiness to humanity and he entrusted them with that dream, it was not an impossible option. He was like a salesman, but in any case, this war would soon be over.

On the other hand, what should he do if they joined the Red Army and fell into a life-threatening situation, or if they were captured and executed by a pursuit unit? Apart from the former, the latter was not something to be avoided for him, who was a German military officer. Rather, he would normally consider being rescued and punished by enemy soldiers a pleasure.

(No, Lieutenant. Everyone will be happy.)

The words he said circulated in his head many times.

Without an answer, he wandered through the forest surrounded by soldiers who were being chased and tired, that night they threw him directly to the ground and he fell asleep.

Feeling the cold that permeated his body from the cold ground, he dreamed of a conversation with the lieutenant again in a light sleep. From that day on, he remembered the exchanges many times and rebelled.

"He reigns as the only 'King' and rules over every human being. Condemn the fool. Human equality and prosperity can only be achieved by having the power of ruin beyond human intelligence."

The lieutenant said that in a strict voice.

What is a prayer? What is damnation?

For example, is the enemy who killed his sister and burned the people of the city of Dresden a sinner to condemn?

"Fulfill the "King's" responsibilities."

He denied with his head. He just shook his head weakly. Like a child throwing a tantrum.

"Lieutenant, fear cannot make people happy."

So how could they be happy? He believed that the potential power of the "Slate" would make people happy. What should he do to make everyone happy?

"The answer is... I am sure there is a way to happiness."

Really?

Could he really find something like that? No, did he really want to find the answer in the first place? Can he realize the method of happiness when he search for it and find it?

To himself with such muddy despair.

For himself bound by sadness, anger and fear.

If he really wanted to make everyone happy, what could he do now?

He was surprised when they called him and woke up from his dream.

"Hey, get up."

There was a grumpy voice. Realizing that the soldier had kicked him in the back, he slowly looked around him. The vague head of awakening slowly recognized reality.

"Go to the Captain."

The soldier said coldly and turned his back on him.

He got up off the ground in handcuffs. He went to the commando captain as he was told, looking at the passing soldiers, wearing dirty clothes with damp earth and leaves.

The handcuffs were heavy and would normally hurt his wrist, but his skin wasn't hurt at all. Nobody cared about the body of a prisoner of war, so he wouldn't suspect him.

"You called me, Captain?"

The captain was looking at the map surrounded by his subordinates. He looked at him with a flat face that didn't show his emotions.

"I'm sorry for the circumstances, Dr. The pursuit team is getting very close. Today we will move soon without waiting for the night to pass."

"Is that so."

"Dr., please provide topographic information to supplement this map."

"I'm not familiar with this area, so I won't be very helpful."

When he answered flatly, the NCO next to him showed frustration with the situation and hatred for him, and bit him.

"I can't take it, hey, stand up! Are you a genius and didn't even memorize a map of the country?!"

"Yes, Charlie. What happens when you say you know something you don't know?"

The captain controlled in a calm voice, but the surrounding NCOs tuned in to a man named Charlie and made a barking voice.

A voice that fears parting with the Red Army and contempt are mixed.

Dr. Occult Charlie, who was really delusional and investigating the "mass production of psychic bodies" pointed it out and cursed. The officers agreed and showed frustration.

US military executives may have had some interest in the "Slate", but for those executives tasked with stealing that information, it was a perception where life was at stake.

He was listening to his words in silence. There was pain. The dreams he had were scorned, pushed away and spit on. There was anger and sadness, but it was stronger and filled with a feeling of emptiness to give up.

The captain opened his mouth after hearing the resentment of his subordinate.

"I am also going to avoid joining the Red Army. I was thinking of getting further away from the chase, but they were unexpectedly quick. If we go any further, I would be behind the German front. Before that happens, I will look for terrain that will hide the entire unit. and I will move on to the pursuit unit. I will confront them and clear the way if necessary. Then, we will force the march to the western front. That is the mission."

With a dignified voice, the captain declared so. The NCOs cheered for inspiration from the stated life policy.

It was a thin thread of hope. The entire unit was desperately trying to hold on to the thread. However, he knew that the thread was easy to break, and that if the thread did break, death would be waiting for him, and everyone here, not just him, would hate him.

He was reflecting on their lives. What were his options?

"As a doctor here, it doesn't matter as far as I can see on this map. A ground where we can hide, please check together."

At the captain's words,

"Okay, that's it."

"Hey, how much did you help kill your countrymen?"

Charlie slapped him maliciously. The captain didn't scold him, but he said to Charlie, "We'll get out of here as soon as the scout gets back. Tell the soldiers.", And he hardened his attitude.

He also skipped instructions to drop off other subordinates, and the NCOs began to move accordingly.

In it, another malicious word hit his ear.

"If only my sister had survived, she could have enjoyed various things while she stalked."

The whole body was full of hair.

Instantaneous anger and hatred filled his thoughts with black, and he was taking a step forward.

The step lightly shook the ground with a loud noise.

He didn't know what the step was for. He didn't, but there was an undeniable killing intent in him at the time.

His sister's smile, the flames of hell that surrounded the city of Dresden, and his cold, hardened body shuddered at the same time.

"What? I mean, let's do it."

Charlie shuddered with a scared face.

What the hell was he going to do?

The passion cooled as fast as the moment it arose.

"No."

He coughed silently and stepped back with the power of the "King" that was about to express his emotions.

He couldn't do anything.

After all, he could do nothing and choose nothing.

(You reign as the only "King" and rule all human beings. Condemn fools.)

(Everyone will be happy.)

"Captain, the map."

He turned her back on everything and muttered in a dead voice.

After that, everyone turned around and didn't become obnoxious or talkative.

He made some supplementary corrections to the extent that he could see from the inaccurate map presented and, as he was told, showed where it seemed most suitable for the troop to hide.

Without including any other intentions, he simply derived and submitted the requested response. Deep in the forest that stretched across the mountains, there was a depression on the north side of the ridge that looked like an indentation. It seemed that there would only be one place where this number of people could hide.

Immediately the troops left and marched into the depression. They reached their destination before dark that day.

Here, they caught up with the pursuit unit approaching from behind and changed the direction of the march to target the Western Front. Since it would be a march of considerable strength to the western front, they had begun taking turns resting while preparing for the engagement when the pursuit unit found them.

But no one was willing to go to bed.

Suddenly, the sound of planes cutting through the air echoed off the trees in the forest and was heard eerily bulging, and the trees near him exploded.

It was a bombing.

Everyone in the unit immediately tried to lie down on the ground, but some were delayed a bit. The next bombardment came in rapid succession, crushing the last like clay dolls.

Within that, he was standing alone.

He quickly realized what had happened.

The impending manhunt was a move to bring the Command into that dead end. Germany decided not to recapture it, but to destroy it.

Without a recommendation of surrender, they unilaterally massacred with the arms deck of the tank unit that he had prepared.

A grenade-like thing hit his cheek and burned him. But he didn't even rip it off and he wasn't affected by anything.

He was stunned when the soldiers around him crouched on the ground and had to wait, trembling as they were hit by a projectile that crushed his body.

Explosive smoke, smoke from the dirt and body parts of the soldiers that were ripped apart by the projectiles splattered, blocking their view.

With the roar that even the screams near him couldn't reach, the smoke in front of him suddenly vanished and he could see Charlie crouched down.

He was crying. His eyes met. Until now, he had only faced malicious and hostile faces towards him. But now, they had all fallen off him and were there in a state of helplessness, trembling from the water that flowed from his eyes and nose.

A projectile entered before he thought of anything about it. Charlie's arms and part of his head grasped right next to him.

He was crying too before he knew it. He began to walk aimlessly, leaving it dripping without drying it.

"What should I do with them?"

There was no one around him who held the shape of a person.

"Everyone, then... should they have forgiven and saved them?"

He had that power. There should have been power so that no one could die.

But he didn't do that. No one was saved. That said, he doesn’t fight anyone.

He did nothing, they did not confront each other, they did not step on them, there was only slaughter.

The person who did it had his own dream, but he was dead.

"What did you want to do...?"

It was the lieutenant who protected him as he exited unharmed by the missile storm.

It was the Japanese lieutenant, Daikaku Kokujoji, who was entrusted with a power by the Führer, organized a pursuit unit and acted as a repellent himself.

The lieutenant who saw him said nothing. He knew the situation he was in and what he did or did not do, but he silently welcomed him.

The captain, who was in command of the pursuit, was terribly surprised to see him intact and protected, but the lieutenant cheated. The commando took him away, but he miraculously escaped just before the bombardment.

The lieutenant gave him winter clothes and rice balls made from rice cooked in Iikura. With the handcuffs removed, he received the rice ball from the lieutenant.

By the way, his sister, who was interested in the Japanese food that the lieutenant brought from time to time, served rice balls and pickles. His sister, who started her own research on fermented foods, which was considered the heart of Japanese food, produced a lot of terrible prototypes, but the pickles were good. Those went well with rice.

The lieutenant's rice ball he ate was sadly delicious.

There were various memories of the lieutenant, his older sister, and the three of them.

The meeting of his older sister and the lieutenant, who brought a new breeze to the world of the two.

Investigation of the "Slate" by trial and error of three people.

The Klippe that he carved with the lieutenant for his sister at Christmas. A little party that night.

Successful start-up experiment of the "Slate".

A dream told on the banks of the Elbe river.

"The "King" will open many possibilities and bring prosperity. With great power, he can provoke violence, or, on the contrary, squeeze it in order. However, he can be a force to protect what is important and, above all, he will change this situation. It has the potential to be anything."

On the banks of the Elbe river, he said that to the lieutenant and his sister. After a successful start-up experiment, he was fascinated by the light of possibility. The light looked like sunlight shining on a dark night.

"The dawn of humanity."

He does not cry anymore.

"Lieutenant."

He called out to the lieutenant as he looked at the half-eaten rice ball.

"EX-Alpha, the individual "King" creates an individual by incorporating others into the feedback loop of causality bias. You can share your strength with different strengths. My power as a "King" can be said to be to be immutable, a power that is unaffected by any tangible power, other than blue that has excellent mastery and red that specializes in destructive power expressed in mice. In other words, my individual B will have similar, if not immutable properties. I thought I would do that for my sister that night, but it was too late. My sister was dead. However, it works in the living. I was alive until then..."

He didn't quite understand what he was saying. Maybe the lieutenant wanted me to blame him.

He did nothing until they found him, because of his anger and the emptiness of his nest. He didn't even resist because he was terrified.

The lieutenant, who was silent the entire time, muttered a single word.

"Isn't there an answer, Weissmann... What do you say, the path of happiness?"

He couldn't return any words.

He was involved in aircraft design when he was on the Artillery Board.

He planned to organize it into an air fleet as a flashy new weapon, but when it was completed, the situation had changed so much that he was put to sleep in a bomb shelter without even flying.

The name of the aircraft was "Heaven".

At Tempelhof airport, on the outskirts of Berlin, he was about to leave with the Himmelreich.

The lieutenant who was walking a little behind him, had a stern look the whole time. The lieutenant knew well that what he was trying to do was not express the departure in neat words, it was just an escape.

"Are you sure you can break through allied air defenses?"

The lieutenant asked in a firm voice.

"Yes. Even at that size, it is possible to adjust the composition of matter and adjust it to me. Then it becomes an unbreakable shell that no one can invade. It is easy to get out."

Even his power, that he couldn't do anything, could easily create an escape route for him. Looking away from his own feelings, he asked the lieutenant.

"Is it okay for the lieutenant to be better than me? After finishing the cleaning, you will return to Japan by submarine."

"Yes."

"Are you really taking the 'Slate' to Japan?"

The lieutenant had already begun to deliver the "Slate" to the Japanese army and carry it out. Nobody was still worried about the abandoned "Konig Project" in the worst case, and he was able to handle it with the authority of the lieutenant.

"Oh. I should have said it by now. If you don't, I will."

The lieutenant's voice was unwavering. However, he was distressed by the lieutenant's determination and told him.

"Will you become 'King'? It's not an easy thing."

"I know." Said the lieutenant.

However, the lieutenant said throwing it out wouldn't help.

That's why he would.

At least to achieve the desired miracle.

Hearing the lieutenant's words, he felt like crying over defeat.

Unlike him, who was so desperate that he couldn't move, the lieutenant faced the light. He wondered if he would really realize the scene of the dawn of humanity that he one day dreamed of.

He narrowed his eyes and looked up at the sky. The color of twilight was spreading as the sun had just dropped beyond the horizon. The night would come soon. He would go to the night sky.

Crushed clouds flowed across the twilight sky.

"Everything flows and disappears. This war is over."

"Nothing ends."

"It's over for me."

Still, the words of a friend declaring that it was not the end under any circumstances, it was the only joy in the cold darkness.

"Finally, I ask again..."

"Bye, Lieutenant."

With his back to the lieutenant, he began to walk.

The distance between the two disappeared.

A huge rigid aircraft shaped like a whale. He walks to where his last home would be, traveling without destination.

"You run away..."

He heard a low voice.

An angry and scolding voice hit him on the back because he hadn't abandoned him during that time.

"You're running away, Weissmann!"

++++++++++

He drowned in the torrent of memories.

"Kukuku." A laugh rang out.

"You ran away. You turned your back on everything and chose not to get involved."

That's how it is.

He sent all his dreams to a single friend and he ran away.

"You didn't choose anything. You didn't save anything. You didn't do anything. You were afraid of your bloated dreams and you threw them all away."

Like a prosecutor reading the indictment, his voice pinpointed the crime.

"I won't blame you."

His soft voice stroking him suddenly, tickled his soul.

"Once again, throw everything away. I will pick it up and use it carefully. Anyway, you are empty. You have no intention of using that power for anything, you just have a surplus. Doesn't your heart seem to no longer is there?"

The voice laughed as he caressed the softest and weakest part of his heart.

"Leave it to me. I'll take all difficulties with you. You can also inadvertently close your eyes and dream of a happy high school student who has no responsibility. You don't have the power or the right to reject me, do you?"

He felt as if he were dragging him slowly to the bottom of the swamp. He couldn't resist, and was tempted to think that it would be easier if he slept like he was, as that voice said.

Yes, he had no power or right. He was a mindless creature who could do nothing, did nothing, and just floated alive. Whether his eyes were open or closed, nothing would change. He was caught up in those arrogant thoughts, and the world was going dark.

However, another voice emerged in his consciousness that was obstructed.

"I haven't given up yet."

"Neko is from Shiro and Shiro is from Neko!"

Kuro. Neko.

They kept looking at him the whole time.

He taught him the strength to never give up. She taught him the power of pure affection.

She gave him a name and kept calling him when no one else had.

As long as they were there, he could not abandon them.

He still didn't know how to be happy, but this time, he wouldn't run away doing nothing.

++++++++++

"Tsk."

The "Colorless King", who was repelled from the boy's body, returned to Kukuri's body with a pitiful voice.

"Kukuri!"

"Well, you're putting it off!"

The fighting voice of Kukuri and Kuro, whose body was taken over by the "Colorless King", was heard far from the boy's ears.

The boy was lying on his back on the floor and was looking vaguely at the ceiling. He still couldn't move well because his consciousness and his body were too big. He breathed quietly, so he was doing his best.

Neko, full of tears, was reflected in the boy's vague vision.

"Shiro! Shiro! Hold on!"

Oh, he wanted to tell her that she didn't have to see him that way.

Kuro, who had abandoned the pursuit of the "Colorless King", knelt beside the boy with a worried expression.

"Don't move! You were just attacked..."

He try to tell him that he didn't need any help. The piece of glass that pierced his abdomen finally fell off and his wound had been healed. Even if he forgot everything and became a helpless high school student, his body had unvarying power.

Before Neko and Kuro's words came out, silver power flashed on the boy's body. The power of the "King" that he obtained under a shower of bombs in Germany in 1945. However, after that, he did nothing and stayed alive.

Neko and Kuro stared at the boy who was glowing silver, speechless.

The boy slowly stood up and smiled to reassure the two with anxious expressions.

"Macht nichts, ich bin unverwundbar. (Don't worry, I'm immortal.)"

He then said that he was not hurt, but his facial expressions remained confused.

The boy kept talking to tell who he was. "Endlich habe ich verstanden. (I finally got it.)"

"So you're really the 'Colorless King'?"

The boy shook his head at the confused Kuro, saying that was not the case.

"Mein... (My name...)"

Only then did he realize that he had just spoken in his mother tongue, German, due to the sudden return of his memory. The boy changed the language to Japanese, which has been familiar to him for the past decades, and responds.

"My name is Adolf K. Weissmann. The first king, the 'Silver King'."

[lady-plantagenet]

Unsolicited Book Reviews (n5): Wife to theKingmaker

Rating:

⭐️⭐️⭐️

Even before I had an account I had a tendency to go to tumblr to see people’s opinions before buying a histfic novel. Certain books are either severely underrepresented where I feel like there needs to be something on them, whereas others that are talked about enough - something more can still be said. So for my quarantine fun, I had decided to start a series where I review every medieval historical fiction novel I read. Hopefully, it will either start interesting discussions or at least be some help for those browsing its tag when considering purchasing it.

TL;DR: Ok swear to god this book was written by two different people. The ending was actually heart-wrenching, but so much had annoyed me throughout that I swore to myself to never again touch this genre for my own health. Twas an odd tale, and tbh the fact that it was odd probably elevated it from the 2 stars (or hell maybe even 1 if it was going to get any more richardian) to 3. Honestly, quite glad I read it in the end. Not the most historically informative, but some of the character arcs were actually quite neat (however extremely farfetched). Spoiler Warning: I’m going to divulge a lot on here because I know no one who follows me is going to read this book.

Plot: Ok, the plot... It was only after I placed my order that I realised this is the Sandra Heath Wilson of ‘Cicely’s King’ fame. I cringed and didn’t know what to do. For all you innocents out there... her Cicely series is a saga wherein Cecily of York pretty much bangs everyone who is male and from the house of york (minus her father and uncle George) and Even Henry VII(!!). She then has this kid by Richard III, calls him Leo and the rest is history(this is what I gleaned from goodreads). Nevertheless it had already shipped and honestly I had it coming; the synopsis does say she has an affair with her brother-in-law John Marquis of Montagu. Whatever, I couldn’t resist buying the only novel about Anne Beauchamp, and since it was published in the 70s/80s I knew it would at least be flamboyant and go all out. It delivered enough for it to have been worth reading.

So the novel follows Anne Beauchamp!(Nan) from when she is a 13 year old girl to 1478 when she finally leaves Beaulieu to go live at Middleham with her (as you guessed it- favourite) daughter Anne and her oh so belovéd son-in-law Richard Duke of Gloucester - You see? Since now finally the Great Other (Mr George) is finally vanquished England has its peace. Of course this is not true, Nan historically left the abbey in 1473 for Middleham and while I wanted a possible explanation from the author (who I would assume is better researched than I) for whether she went to Middleham out of her own volition or simply because the King trusted Gloucester better than Clarence... alas I got none. It was all pinned on the fact that the evil George (who as per usual alternates between omnipotent mastermind to absolute drunken himbo at the turn of a page) would not have her free for as long as she lived (for whatever reason). I really think the real historical explanation was because Edward trusted Gloucester - because after all Warwick Castle was Nan’s patrimony not Middleham. I doubt Nan had a choice in the matter but, the point is, Isabel was alive in 1473 and since there’s zero historical record or suggestion that Nan and Anne had ever seen her again, it would have been nice to have had a depiction of the conflicted feelings or a final meeting written for the three women. I’ll let it slide I guess, after all, one needs to cut some slack when it comes to books written pre-internet age by non-historians. And unlike Sunne in Splendour, this book does not purport to be completely accurate or a representation of the truth.

Christ some sub-plots were truly unexpected. One that made me groan at first was the whole arc between Nan and her niece Eleanor Butler. In this book she’s her ward (not historically true) and little Eleanor is all sweet and innocent and virtuous and, hell, at one point we get more Nan-Eleanor interaction than even between Nan - her own daughters (particularly Isabel who would have been the right age and a better substitute for Eleanor in their dialogue, but alas, who cares about Isabel right?). Eleanor even is the one to accidentally discover that Margaret of Anjou slept with Edmund Beaufort, siring Edward of Lancaster.

Ok. You’re probably thinking, god how trite eugh the Richardians are at it again, right? Yeah ok the Richardians are at it again, but it turns into something really neat at the end. Essentially, as I said, Nan has an affair with John Neville Marquis of Montagu (long story that I will expand on in characterisation) and she and him come upon Edward and Eleanor (overhearing them nothing more). So Edward and Nan then have this mutually assured destruction between them, because Edward divulges that he saw Nan and John years later when Nan confronts him (by this time he is married to Elizabeth Woodville) that she knows about the pre-contract with the intention of telling him off. He tells her that if she dares tell Warwick about the pre-contract he will tell Warwick about John, so she then agrees (also because she promised her niece that she would keep it quiet for the safety of her son by Edward). Years later when they meet again, Edward realised how much is at stake for Nan (especially since it turned out she loved Warwick all along and Edward figured that out), and so, during the period of John’s back-and-forth loyalties (we know he was disgruntled by the loss of the Northumberland Earldom)... Edward returns and tells Nan that if Montagu abandons him he will out her to Richard and cause a massive division between the brothers (militaristically speaking as well) and he knows he can do that because he figures out Nan will not out him because she blubbs about her promise to her niece. This madness then becomes bittersweet when (as history would have it) Montagu does end up fighting for Warwick, nevertheless, Nan is releaved during the whole time because there’s nothing in Warwick’s letters that give any indication that Edward ended up exposing her. Warwick dies in the battlefield, Nan is deeply aggrieved but happy he never found out at least. But then... years later when Edward comes to Beaulieu (1478 as this story would have it) to inform Nan that she may depart for Middleham, he tells her that he in fact did expose her to Warwick... but that Warwick didn’t believe him and laughed in his face because he thought there was no way she could be unfaithful because he knew she loved him. This sounds silly but it got to me a bit when I read it. Of course, we also have Edward saying he regretted his handling of the pre-contract affair because apparently Elizabeth Woodville had since lost interest in him and he’s hurt by how she shows no reaction to him having mistresses and he’s kinda given up, whereas Eleanor would have been more of a lapdog. This was essentially the centrepiece of the plot.

Look, I don’t really read these types of novels as a habit so I don’t know if bizarre plot lines like this are commonplace. Not going to lie though, it threw me and it was pleasantly enjoyable. This is basically what is to be said about the plot... the rest goes into characterisation. Nevertheless, this novel too often fell into the exposition trap (like telling us what is happening politically instead of showing us). While I appreciated the refresher of what happened 1445-1461 and I understand that the target audience of this book aren’t Wars of the Roses experts, I’ve seen it done more smoothly in many other more literary novels (eg Hawley Jarman’s or Lytton-Bulwer’s Last of the Barons). I’ve often said Sunne in Splendour was terribly dry and exposition-heavy, but at least it had historical detail so I could sometimes switch off and treat it as a non-fiction account for battles and character locations. But with this one I a) don’t have faith that the author paid attention to detail; see what I said earlier about the years 1473-1478, so I won’t take this as information and b) know that if she had done this with the years I know more about: 1461-1478, I would have gotten annoyed because of my familiarity with those decades.

Characterisation: Well we have lovelorn saintly Dickon here - always a pet peeve of mine. Look, I don’t have strong opinions about the man but it just innures me how whenever Richardianism rears it’s ugly head the plot suffers massively and it’s always favourite figures of mine that suffer the most. George Duke of Clarence... oh god, what can I say? Wife-beater, alcoholic, is disgusted by his wife when she is ill (you know, unlike the historical Clarence who had resided in the Abbot’s home near the infirmiary for the last months of his wife’s lying-in and after to be close to her and thereafter stuck with her until she passed away and two months after that as well), is stupid yet somehow still devious, is the indirect cause of her death... the list goes on. Welp, at least this Clarence unlike the Sunne in Splendour one has an elegant bearing, sense of fashion and is a great dancer. The Sunne one had NOTHING. It’s also odd that they make his attitude towards Isabel undergo a complete 180 as soon as he realises this marriage will no longer make him king. This makes no sense as the book has them want to marry for love, like YEARS before 1469, so this sudden attitude change makes no sense. Authors really need to be reminded that crown or no crown that marriage would still have made him the greatest magnate in England. There was also a ridiculous handling on the circumstance of his death, and this was the most factually wrong part of the book. Between Ankarette being aged down by 4 decades and the whole shmaz with Stillington, I don’t know where to begin. I bet most of you can guess how it was handled. Isabel is as per usual constantly depressed and without a personality because, well, we can’t have her compared to our shining heroine Anne Neville. 3x more beautiful, 5x more vivacious and 20x more significant than her doormat of a sister who complains all day- that is when she isn’t crying. Gahhh. Of course Anne Neville also cries but it’s for her beloved Dickon who she pines for constantly. Look, I have no qualms with romanticising this pairing, but authors need to keep in mind that Anne was like 13 at most when she became estranged from Gloucester. You. Need. To. Stop. Writing. Her. Like. A. Woman. . I don’t care what anyone says, no matter the time period, you can’t make me visualise a 13 year old that could feel romantic love of that deep a devotion and maturity and not send me laughing across the floor. But want to write a strong childish infatuation coming from a place of deep friendship? Fine by me.

Ok, onto more positive characterisation points: I liked Nan, quite a lot actually (I mean blatant daughter favouritism aside). A lot of authors attempt to write the proud noblewoman and great lady character but few pull it off. This is always how I have seen the real Anne Beauchamp and I’m glad to see it here. For a novel so insensitive towards certain figures, the author wrote Nan with great empathy. She was very intelligent but not in that artificial girlboss way, she loved her daughter(s) but in that medieval mother type of way (so no baby brain here), she may have not gotten along splendidly with all the women around her but there was none of that demeaning cattiness. About that, I want to say I was shocked by what a turn her relationship with Margaret of Anjou took. Since the whole Somerset-bastard child plotline was a thing... Nan was initially revolted and lost all her respect for Lancaster, but when the two women find themselves joined by fate they gain this strange mutual respect for one another. They butt heads a bit initially but Margaret of Anjou rises above it for her son’s sake and eventually strikes up an agreement with Nan on when they are to set sail. Margaret first won’t listen to Nan because she thinks she’s a fool but when she eventually slips by to tell Nan that she had thought about her plan and that maybe she’s right, she doesn’t apologise and Nan doesn’t need her to and it’s this weird telepathic understanding from then on and I certainly did not expect to see something like this in this novel. After the landing in England and news of Warwick’s death reaches the party, Margaret doesn’t gloat but diplomatically relays the news and when Nan says she wants to take sanctuary because she lost all heart and can’t fight on, Edward of Lancaster gently says something like: well if you come with us, you’ll at least get your revenge and that’s at least something (paraphrase). You could just tell this was Edward’s way of offering condolences, the type of way a child like him raised through war and promises of vengeance only could, and it was oddly powerful. Shame it couldn’t have happened as Nan and Margaret and Isabel all travelled at seperate times. The whole theme around Nan was that she wasn’t very partisan but only followed her husband as a magnate and then as a man, which I believe and it was great to see Team Lancaster understood Warwick was a seperate entity from York, and for all intents and purposes they were all in this together. Cool-headedness is much needed in this genre I realise, god how low flies the bar ~

Now onto the characterisation most people are wondering about. What of Warwick? He was the saving grace of the novel. He has the common touch yet he is sophisticated, he is idealistic yet he is shrewd, he is impassioned yet collected, he is dramatic yet subtle, he is ... I can go on and on. What is all the affair plot point about then? It doesn’t diminish the bond between the two main characters; to tell you quite truthfully the relationship the author wrote was bizarre yet still really touching. They used to hate eachother because Nan thought herself above him (after all the Warwick earldom was far more valuable than the Salisbury one- remember it was briefly a dukedom at one point), but then she sees what he made of himself and becomes proud of him and falls in love with him. However, he starts to get carried away with his ambitions, gets all-consumed by the legend of Warwick that he had cultivated and essentially becomes impersonal without wanting to (and realising). Nan feels she has lost him to the people of England (which are apparently all hypnotised by his presence, which ok is a fact grounded in history) and because of her wounded pride she starts seeking comfort in his brother (although, it makes little sense how this would work as I would gather he would also be away, especially at the Scottish boarders). When he refuses to support Warwick over Edward later on, she loses all feelings for Montagu and thinks him a coward, and when Warwick apologises for being amiss she realises that this whole time it was him she loved all along and is racked with guilt. I found this exploration of what it is like being wed to a man of such public standing quite interesting, the idea of losing him not to another woman or such but to his cause (which in this book is a mixture of belief in the french alliance, the common weal and subconsciously his own wounded pride brought on by an extreme adherence to inflexible chivalric values on his part and Edward IV’s actions), I confess, is not something I saw portrayed in this particular manner anywhere else. I mean it’s not like I’ve been searching for this particular motif, but this was a refreshing depiction of a medieval couple and it was a poignantly written relationship which the author had me invested in. The relationship was heartfelt because it was very distinct, Nan and Warwick weren’t just some stand-ins for a cash-grab but some consideration was paid to the real historical figures. The John plotline, sure I would in principle protest against something like this but it seems to have had two plot purposes: To illustrate the strain caused by the aforementioned issue and to kick off the whole Edward-Eleanor Butler-Montagu-Nan arc, which bizarre and unbelievable as it was, kept me on my toes. I’ll let it slide. Also, Edward IV was portrayed as quite a chilling villain in this, beholden of this weird mix of indifference, charm and wickedness.

Prose: This is what made me briefly wonder if this book was written by two different people. It failed to engage me in the first half, the descriptions were trite (except for the natural scenery bits), there was very little variety in sentence structures which gave it the stilted heaviness that thus afflicted The Sunne in Splendour (and most modern literature). There was a lot of redundancies eg the type of stuff like ‘whispered quietly’ or ‘yelled loudly’ and the author’s misunderstanding of certain period fashions drew me out eg references to bodices (not a thing then), calling the henin veil a silk scarf etc. She didn’t pull a Penman: exposit emotions to us, making me feel like I walked into a therapy session, but it was often heavy-handed. It first felt very much like an uninspired debut novel. A bit try-hard and I was wondering if this was the way of the bodice ripper... I wouldn’t know, I never read one before (though I’m unsure if this qualifies as it’s really not graphic and the focus is really not on sex nor is there much of it).

However, out of nowhere, the prose suddenly changed a little before half of the way in; colours, emotions, thoughts and the like started to blend masterfully. The sentence structures started varying to convey the way Nan was feeling. It became very show don’t tell, and it drew me in emotionally a bit (I must confess). Of course, that’s also around the point the plot had sort of started redeeming itself. Nan’s grief at her husband’s passing was particularly well conveyed - how she became a husk of her former self... I could read fifty pages of that. Her realisation that it had been him all along was also well written, and you could feel all the urgency and regret she felt at all the time she had wasted disregarding him as the plot grew nearer to Barnet. The mutual longing was also subtle yet strong, and it really was down to the effective use of sentence structure and waylaying of inspired thematic details. The mingling of past memories with present day in her later years was also very well done and with flow, and the adjectives etc used were no longer becoming distracting as before. My favourite part by far was the very last scene when she rides ahead of her escort to Middleham and she imagines a horse riding beside her caparisoned with the Neville standard; you can really feel how this is the first time that she had felt joy in years and she lets the ghost follow her.

... In Conclusion, this novel gave me very mixed feelings. I don’t know if I would have enjoyed it as much as I did had it not been for the fact that I entered it with a massive pre-formed love for the figures. It’s a bit like my experience with ‘Death Be Pardoner to Me’ (review #2 on this tag), was the book actually good or do I just have an affinity for the protagonist (Clarence in that case)? As such, I don’t think I would reccomend it. Indeed I wrote this spoilerish review because I was sure no one would fly off to Amazon after seeing this post. I can’t say if it’s above commercial historical romance in standard as this is the first time I’ve ever read a book from this genre. I think I’ll take a loongg break from historical fiction (after I finish with Jarman) because the Clarence portrayal was a bit of a nail in the coffin for me and I don’t want to continue upsetting myself for no reason. As I have now truly lost hope in reading a balanced depiction of him and if the literature isn’t absolutely expemplary why bother? Nevertheless, Warwick’s portrayal was a saving grace and made it impossible for me to give it two stars - it wasn’t perfect but still the best I’ve read (minus Last of the Barons Ofc). This is also a bit sad when you think about it, Warwick is also due some fictional justice. Even scholarly if you ask me.

The experience was educational as I learned a valuable lesson in what to avoid and include in my writing, what pitfalls/clichés not to fall into etc. I think I can draw another valuable lesson from this: Dear Histfic authors, if you happen to not be historians, heavily-researched in this time period, objective or literarily talented etc don’t take yourself seriously by publishing some tome of a work but just go nuts like this novel. At least this way you’re not sharing misinformation, inducing people into error and your work still gets to be engaging as opposed to a repetition of the previous amateur historical novelist. Yeah. For all the Sunne in Splendour’s superior quality, I must say I prefer this one better.

Tagging @pythionice who I have recently discovered has also read this book! Welcome fellow fan of Warwick <3

[fasterthanmydemons]

fellow comic book reader here and I also agree that Pietro was annoying in the comics, I remember just rolling my eyes everytime he was on a page LMAOO. but then MCU Pietro came along and he was the bravest, purest, most adorable boy. I was like "oh I actually really like his personality?" and then "oh.... he ded ._." LOL. however, what are some personality traits that your Pietro shares with comic Pietro? I'd say the temper and arrogance (and love for his turtle) but that's it.

{out of breath} *sigh* Okay. I’ve been debating actually writing about this particular topic for about a month now because I was afraid it would offend some people somehow with regard to mental illness, but... since you asked. Yes, I would say that MCU!Petro has Comic!Pietro’s anger and arrogance. Definitely Hands down. I feel like there’s one other thing he has sort of in common with Comic!Pietro, but whereas it’s intentional for Comic!Pietro, it’s unintentional for MCU!Pietro. Under the cut because LONG.

One of the major things that made Comic!Pietro a jerk was the way he made Wanda feel like she wasn’t mentally competent to make her own decisions. Part of it was that he was very controlling of her. It started out as a need to protect her, but then it just became a function of his own ego, like... well I know better, so I’ll just decide and shhhh, don’t talk. But a part of it later on became also that he realized he could manipulate Wanda into doing or not doing things he wanted by making her feel like she wasn’t mentally capable or strong enough to make decisions for herself. The results was that she depended on him emotionally to a debilitating degree, and he absolutely took advantage of her because of it. Wanda had self-confidence issues and she was very much aware of her mental fragility and afraid of going insane, something that runs in her family. Pietro fed off that fear and basically manipulated Wanda by saying well, I’ll take care of you and make decisions for you and all you have to do is rely on me. It was not only not healthy for Wanda, it was abusive.

Now... let’s talk about MCU!Pietro for a bit. I will never ever say that MCU!Pietro was ever intentionally abusive to Wanda. Never. He never meant to be, he was only ever trying to help her and protect her. However, some of the things he did while he thought he was protecting her ended up not being so great for her emotional, social, and mental development in the long run. It stunted her ability to function independently and enabled her to be extremely dependent on him as she preferred. I first became aware that this was an actual real side effect of trauma that some people have, referring to Wanda, when I came across this post. I read that and I thought... wow that sounds really similar to how I’ve described the twins’ relationship. I did some more research on the subject since then, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a thing that definitely happened with the twins. It isn’t really either of their faults, it more just like... they were using each other as a crutch and a coping mechanism in different ways because of traumas they had suffered, and didn’t realize it was actually harming them developmentally.

This might take a while to explain, but I’ve been wanting to do this and get these headcanons down for a while so I’ll try to explain in as much detail as I can. When Marya and Django Maximoff were killed, the twins reacted differently. A big part of the reason for their different reactions was, unfortunately, due to their different upbringing because of their sexes. Wanda was raised by her mother to take care of her family, to watch over them, feed them, tend their wounds, and defend them conversationally. Pietro was raised with the idea that the men were the strong ones who protected the women physically. They didn’t cry or show weakness, they were physically there to protect and shield. Basically, the men were the physical strength and the women were the emotional strength. Although this seems positive on the surface, it is confining the twins to gender roles and is defining those roles in limiting and outdated ways. Pietro grew up feeling that he was less of a man for crying or needing a hug, and Wanda grew up feeling like she could depend on men to do what she couldn’t... as if there were things she couldn’t do herself. I mean... I don’t want to overly judge this because it wasn’t done with malice, it’s just that Marya and Django were more old world, traditional parents. That’s what they grew up with, so they taught it to their children. It’s easy to be outside looking in and say it’s wrong, but until the age of ten, the twins were happy and well taken care of and thought they were doing fine.

When their parents were killed, suddenly they were their own parents. At age 10, the twins had to do the best they can with foster homes and living on the streets. So what did they do? They fell into the roles they were taught. Pietro, as the man of their family now, felt like he had to take care of and protect his sister. Wanda, and this is where that post I read comes in, had a much more severe trauma reaction in which she retreated from the world, into herself, and gave control over to Pietro. What I mean by this is that Wanda, partly due to things suffered as a very young child and partly because Pietro was all she had left in the way of family, reacted to losing her parents by retreating behind Pietro. So they both fed into their own learned roles a bit, if that makes sense. Pietro thought he should take control and protect his sister, and Wanda was content to let Pietro be her shield and filter between herself and others.

This created an interesting power dynamic between the twins as they got older, because Wanda actually has a very assertive and at times dominant personality, she just didn’t know it at a young age. Losing her parents, being a witch, having been assaulted in the past and almost burned alive as a witch, Wanda trusted her parents to protect her. Without them, all that hope got transferred to Pietro. Pietro, who already felt guilty for not protecting Wanda from her assault, felt doubly responsible now to step up and protect his sister. The result is that Pietro would handle any and all daily interactions between people and themselves, and Wanda would hang back and largely be silent, just observing.

Wanda felt threatened by people getting too close to her, especially men. Pietro knew this and would always put himself physically in between Wanda and anyone who approached her. Wanda learned that her brother would always do this, and two things started to happen: 1) she relaxed when he was around because she knew he would always be her interface to the world, she would never have to talk to anyone she didn’t want to, and 2) she could say whatever she wanted from behind him and not have to deal with the consequences. This, in some ways, fed her assertiveness, because it let her express herself and voice her opinions in a safe way. If she opens her mouth and upsets someone, it doesn’t matter because Pietro will be right there to keep them from getting too close.

So as the post mentions, there’s sometimes a loss of autonomy that occurs with trauma in which a person questions everything. The decisions they make, where their food comes from, they feel like they need permission to do anything, eat anything go anywhere. If alone, they hesitate to do things, and if with someone else, they look to them for permissions and approval. It’s borne of anxiety over not knowing what to do and feeling like they can’t make good decisions on their own. In Wanda’s case, it was easier and more comfortable to give control over everyday decisions and interactions to Pietro. He decided what they ate and gave her the food. He decisions where they went, where they slept, who they talked to. He did most of the talking. Pietro was all too eager to fill this role because he thought it was the right thing to do.

Wanda just held his hand and stayed a step behind him, watching and listening, because what happens when someone is in this kind of secondary role is that they feel safer and more comfortable in the shadow of someone they trust and can think more clearly. Because they don’t have to look out for things on their own, they can more calmly think about other things, notice what others might not, and take in the details of their surroundings. This is the root of Wanda being quieter and more observant than her brother. If Wanda was on her own, she’d be worried about everything. Looking everywhere, wondering who would hurt her, trying to find food, not knowing what to say when others spoke to her. But because Pietro was there to handle all of that, Wanda could relax, hang back, and think calmly about bigger things. That meant she could make more long-term decisions about the directions of their lives.

It may seem counterintuitive, but the twins’ relationship developed into Pietro handling all the little, everyday decisions, and Wanda handling all the big, life-changing decisions.... such as volunteering for the experiments, opposing the Avengers, and supporting Ultron. Pietro just went along with those decisions because he trusted her to make them. Pietro mistakenly thought his sister was much smarter than him, for one thing, and also he trusted her as a female to make major decisions for their family, as their mother did.  This was part of their emotional co-dependence. Pietro was comfortable in his role and Wanda was comfortable in hers. It eased their anxiety after the loss of their parents and the traumatic circumstances that surrounded it.

Coming back to your question, in the comics, Pietro manipulated and controlled Wanda into thinking that she was mentally unstable and incompetent and needed someone to make all her decisions for her. And she believed that, because she trusted him. In the MCU, Pietro kindof did the same thing, but not intentionally. Until Pietro’s death, Wanda would have said that Pietro was in control, he made the decisions, he was the strong one, etc. She would have said that she was not assertive, and couldn’t handle all these things herself. But anyone looking at them and reading the power dynamics of their relationship could easily tell that she was the leader and the one calling the major shots. However, this is not at all how Wanda felt mentally. She really believed that she could not survive without her brother, and that she was mentally very weak without him, because she felt that way, ever since her parents died. It took Pietro dying - and her protective buffer between herself and the world disappearing - for her to realize how strong she was on her own and that she was perfectly capable of navigating the world by herself. In some ways, she transferred her emotional need to be dependent on someone to Vision after Pietro’s death, starting to attach emotionally to him the way she did to Pietro, but she realized this wasn’t healthy. I believe that’s part of a complex mess of reasons why she was afraid to commit to him. But, I digress.

It’s interesting that both twins gave up control to the other, but in different ways. Wanda let Pietro control the minutiae of everyday decisions while driving their overall direction in life, and Pietro took control on a daily basis but followed Wanda wherever she wanted to take them. Both of them found comfort in this dynamic, which can be seen in the scene discussed in this post. Wanda is a lot stronger emotionally than her brother, but she unfortunately does not realize it until he’s gone and she’s forced to be more independent. So I think that MCU!Pietro does share this with Comic!Pietro, in that they both had Wanda in this emotionally dependent relationship where she felt she couldn’t or shouldn’t make decisions on her own, or at least was more comfortable letting him make the decisions, but their reasons for doing so are completely different. 

Alright I think I’ve rambled long enough about this. I hope I made sense, haha. These are some headcanons I’ve wanted to get written down for a while. If anyone has any thoughts on this, feel free to reblog or reply to this post. I would love to hear what others think about this.

[brain-jarred]

Chapter one.  Marriage problems

In the dank bowels of New York, it was a normal day of extracting brains from dubiously consenting test subjects, and Dr. Hal was bored. Bored with his life, he knew he was smart, he knew he had a brilliant mind. In theory this job was in fact nurturing his mind, and putting it to good use in bettering mankind, and-

Yeah yeah whatever. He knew that this was for a good cause, as he carefully cut open the patient's skull, revealing the squishy and oozing brain. He sighed, and his colleague finally took notice of his dour mood. “Dr. Hal? What's wrong? You don't seem very enthusiastic about this.” Dr. Param asked, looking up from their clipboard which they were doodling in the margins of. Dr. Param was very much like Dr. Hal, in the sense that both of them had similar backgrounds. Though despite this similarity, the two were as different as could be. “Come on, Hal! Put some pep into that neuro-needle!” They said cheerfully, pumping their metal arm in the air, much like a cheerleader. In response, Dr. Hal just rolled his eyes and took the neuro-needle out of the tray, and did what you do with a needle.

Once he was done with it, he returned it to the tray, and the doctor began the process of removing the brain from the skull. He sighed again, and turned to Dr. Param. “Hey Dr. Param? Do you ever feel like… I don't know, that we could be doing literally anything else with our lives?” He questioned as he lifted the brain with one hand, and cut the spinal cord with the other. “Like, I know that this is to improve mankind and everything, but… this is just so…” He plopped the brain into a jar, staring at it for a bit. “Boring.” He said flatly. Dr. Param looked shocked. “What?! No way!” They retorted, limping their metal wrist joint in at Dr. Hal. They put down their clipboard and slid a pan containing a brain across the counter. Then, they sat their elbow where it had been. “Listen Hal, Dr. Hal. All jobs have their… their dips!” “Dips?” “Like low points on a graph!” Dr. Param said while walking around. Their six metal legs made clicking sounds as they moved on the metal floors. They had their arms behind their back. They circled around the now brainless body that was laying on the surgical table. They patted one of the legs to accentuate their point. “You just-” Another slap to the cadaver’s legs.”-Just gotta keep going!”

“Dr. Param, I appreciate the enthusiasm, as well as the attempts at motivation, but you should stop slapping the body.” “You aren't listening to me!” Dr. Param slapped the body. “No. I’m not.” The scientist sighed and walked over to the sink, removing his thick plastic gloves, placing them in the cleaning solution. His hands were… not human. Because neither Dr. Hal, nor Doctor Param, were human beings. Doctor Param was a centipede-esque cyborg, maybe even centaur-like in their design. They had one almost normal looking hand, if not for the sharp claws on the tips, and one needle like appendage on the other arm. The other legs, six of them, were simple, like a bug’s legs. They had huge red eyes that stared annoyed into the back of Dr. Hal’s head. Or rather, they were staring at Dr. Hal’s brain, that was visible through the translucent psychic aura that made up his body. He looked very much like a person, but without bones, skin, muscle, or even nerves. He looked like a person composed entirely of blue jelly. The only solid parts of him were his brain and his eyes. The two doctors both had human brains, greatly enhanced, yet still human, brains.

“I’m just saying-” “I know what you're saying.” Dr. Hal interjected. “You're saying I should just accept the life I've been given, and I shouldn't wish for anything more.” “Wow. Rude.” The cyborg huffed. ”That's your problem! You are rude. When people try to cheer you up, you just-” they waved their arms around. “You push them away! You push me away.” He huffed. “Why have you been so- what am I doing wrong!? You have been so on edge lately.” “I don't want to talk about this anymore.” Dr. Hal looked away and began to pad out of the room. “Don't walk away from me!” They said, raising their voice. “Please! Let's just talk!” They said, throwing their arms up in the air.They had been working with each other for sixteen years, and though Dr. Hal was walking away, and acting standoffish, he did care about his colleague. The two of them had been working together for sixteen years. The pair acted like a married couple when they argued. But really, they were both married to their jobs, not each other. Recently though, Dr. Hal’s marriage with work was failing. Like a marriage in which both of the participants were no longer in love with each other.

Dr. Param followed Dr. Hal for a bit, before sighing and going to sit down in one of the chairs outside the operating theatre. It was a bit awkward to sit in, considering they had a 5 foot long body. In reality, the bug-like cyborg laid on the chair rather than sat in it. They watched as Dr. Hal put his hands in his lab coat and power-walked away to his quarters. They hated when he got like this. Lately they had been noticing that his colleague's heart just wasn't in his work like it used to be. Dr. Param missed it, back when things were simple. Executing tests on subjects, researching, and all the other marvelous things- they weren't fun anymore. Maybe it wasn't supposed to be fun, maybe this work was supposed to be hard and laborious. But… Ugh. Dr. Param just sat there, trying to think of ways to reignite that fire that had been reduced to cinders within Dr. Hal. Meanwhile, Dr. Hal was in his quarters. The off-white walls surrounded him, it was a small room, only about 9 feet wide and long. The ceiling was low, and if he jumped, he would probably hit his head on the ceiling. Not that he was the type to just randomly jump. That was more of Dr. Param’s thing. Being all excited and enthusiastic about their job… Dr. Hal wondered how they did it. How they managed to be as passionate about their work as they were the day they both first woke up and did their first assignments. Part of him admired it, maybe even envied it. These walls. These floors. The lights, the blood, the smell of this lab. It was all the both of them knew. Their old lives were gone. Dr. Hal wasn't supposed to miss it. He had consented to this after all. He consented to having his body removed from his brain, and having his brain utterly transformed into something inhuman. Dr. Param consented to it too. So then why did he feel like something was missing? 

Why would he miss being a terminally ill cancer patient? This was a far more noble life than wasting away in a hospital bed with no family to be there as he died. Of course he did not remember being a terminally ill cancer patient, but that was what his bosses told him. They even showed him pictures of who he used to be. Birth records, I.D., photographs. All meaningless to him now. 

He had been thinking more about it lately. He hadn't told anyone though. He always got the feeling that the bosses didn't like it. It was an unspoken taboo to mention the past when the goal of the organization was to further the path into the future. He closed his eyes. Well, he didn't really have eyelids. He just shaped the ectoplasm that comprised his body to slide over his eyeballs.  And then there was a knock at his door, before he could tell them to come in, someone he didn't expect to see today walked into his room stiffly. The person that entered his room was a pale man, with wispy and wild white hair, and a ratty scarf worn over his lab coat. His face was round, it would have been almost friendly looking if not for the deep scowl that he wore on his face at all times. Dr. Hal sat up, and then got off his bed to stand respectfully towards the head scientist “Dr. Brian.” He remarked. “It's good to see you.” “You did good work on the last subject, but we have another assignment for you.” Doctor brian said, ignoring pleasantries and going straight for what was needed of Dr. Hal. “We have a subject coming in that is extremely high profile. Not only that, but it's going to be a vivisection. Further details will be given later.” He said in a monotone. “Oh. I see. But why are you telling me this in person? I feel like this could have been communicated in a memo.” He crossed his arms and tilted his head. “Because you haven't been confirming your memos.” He huffed. “You have been acting highly unprofessional lately. Now tell me why that is.” He asked pointedly, glaring up at Dr. Hal. “I apologize.” He began, taking in a breath. “I have just been feeling unwell lately. I was actually going to request a week’s vacation for-” “Denied.” The head scientist interrupted. “The high profile vivisection is tomorrow.” “Oh.” Dr. Hal folded his arms. “I assume my...talents will be needed?” he asked. “Both you and Dr. Param will be needed, yes.” “Alright.” he looked away. “Tell you what-” Dr Brian began. “You can have your week's vacation after the vivisection tomorrow. It's estimated to take six hours to complete.” Dr. Hal’s eyes widened. Wow. That was more than double the length of the longest vivisections he had done. This must be someone special that they were vivisecting. “Will it be a terminal one?” He asked. “Yes.” Damn it. Dr. Hal hated the terminal ones. Usually they were performed only on death row prisoners or terminally ill patients. So he didn't feel shame about most of them, despite technically being a murderer. Well, he wasn't really a murderer. They were going to die anyway, so who cares? He certainly didn't. But it was still unpleasant to be in the mind of a dying person. It was sometimes borderline nightmarish. Of course, he wouldn't voice these opinions out loud. But Dr. Brian’s scowl still deepened. “Do what you will for the rest of today.” He huffed, and exited the room. End of chapter one

[maddiviner]

Hey I saw your post about empaths and empathy. Do you have any ideas or advice for an empath who doesn't want to get sucked into that kind of mindset? Basically to be a better empath?

Hi, Nonny! Thanks for messaging me about this. I realize my posts about empaths and empathy have generated more than their fair share of discourse and controversy. 

I still stand by them, though, and am honestly glad someone else understood what I was trying to say! 

I also saw in the notes of those posts talking about how distasteful it is to reverse the situation and argue that the “empaths” online are the “real narcissists” in the situation. 

While, as I’ve noted, I don’t know a lot about Cluster B disorders, I tend to agree.  I’ve never liked the tendency to hurl diagnoses at internet strangers. It kind of just perpetuates the idea that mental illness is this bad, scary insult, and I don’t like that.

I’m going to do my best to give you useful advice as much as I possibly can.

Esoteric empathy isn’t the same as normal empathy. I consider esoteric empathy to be a heightened form of normal empathy. 

In this case, it’s heightened to the point where it can only be viewed as “esoteric” - in other words, it’s difficult to explain without supposing the existence of the arcane and the mystical.

Research different types of empathy. It’s not well-known, but empaths often have “specialties,” such as children, animals (that’s me), elders, or other categories of people. 

Are your empathic abilities heightened around a certain group? For me, as I said, it’s animals. 

I probably have normal compassion and empathy for everyone, as much as anyone does. But, my esoteric empathic abilities with animals far exceed the same capabilities with humans. 

It may be similar for you, and it is always good to learn more about yourself. Examine, and discover if your abilities increase with different groups of people.

Research various topics in psychology. If you learn about how the human mind works, you’ll be able to more effectively use your gifts to help others and yourself. 

For me, in particular, a lot of the cognitive behavior therapy workbooks were extremely useful for this. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I in 2007, and have undergone a lot of different types of therapy over the years. 

A lot of it ended up surprisingly helpful to my occult interests, and yes, empathic abilities. I also read some dialectical behavioral therapy workbooks too these days.

In my opinion, CBT helps empaths to have fuller, stronger relationships with the rest of the world, whereas DBT seems to help manage doubt and other issues within the self.

Learn to ground, center, and shield.

You’ve probably heard about this before!

Yeah  the whole “Just ground, center and shield!” thing is overdone in the esoteric community, with many people assuming it’ll solve all emotional and energetic problems.  

So no, it won’t solve everything, but it does help! 

Grounding, centering and shielding, if done right, will help an empath to be a stronger person. I recommend the exercises for this found in Keys to Perception, by Ivo Dominguez. Also, check out my Psychic Abilities Annotated Bibliography here for some good books about this.

Learn Your Shadow. Sometimes if you’re feeling a negative emotion, you need to process it rather than just push it away. 

That’s where shadow work comes in. It’s a messy process, unique to every person, and what works for me might not work for you and vice versa. Still, it’s a topic to explore in-depth. 

I’m currently putting a list of some good books on shadow work techniques, and will share it when I’m finished. Shadow work is not my area of expertise (is it anyone’s?) but I do find it beneficial nonetheless.

Give “Love and Light” a pass. I recommend avoiding esoteric sources on empathy which claim that the shadow must be avoided or is Satanic (I’ve heard both this week).

 Also, don’t trust people who tell you to suppress or ignore your negative emotions - psychology even tells you that’s a  bad idea.

Practices like shielding, etc, can help to insulate you a bit from your own emotional reaction to things. This doesn’t make shielding undesirable, but realize that shielding and warding constantly and too tightly just makes your energy and self-image rigid. 

The key to avoiding this is often to just give yourself permission to fully feel all your emotions, even if they’re not pleasant.

Consider reading about vampires. Here, I don’t mean either the mythical variety or the “negative, bad person” meaning of the term. Instead, I’m talking about psychic vampires (also called psy-vamps). 

This community sounds scary, but actually features some of the best energy workers I’ve ever met, many of whom have written detailed descriptions of their techniques. While she’s more than controversial, I recommend the works of Michelle Belanger.

Definitely hang out with other empaths and read their writings. I know that some of my earlier posts kind of implied the empath community as a whole isn’t so good. 

And yes, I do believe a cleaning-out would be good. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of good resources out there! In my experience, talking to other empaths one-on-one can be a great way to learn more. 

As to books, I recommend the works of Raven Digitalis, and others on that annobib I made. There’s probably a lot of newer books on this I haven’t read, too.

I hope this article was helpful. I definitely don’t claim myself as an expert on esoteric empathy, but this article describes what I’ve learned over time about it and my own gifts. 

I am sure others will reblog with more ideas and perspectives, which I’m looking forward to reading.

[pjstafford]

I’m Afraid He Fears My Judgement. A Review of Mulder and Scully Meets the Were-lizard and My Struggle II. Blog 59 of the Disability in the X-Files Series.

Throughout the series, there have been a reoccurring theme of whether or not persons who believed in the paranormal or in aliens were “crazy” and whether or not that meant Mulder was crazy. That has been paired with Agent Scully not only being skeptical of the paranormal, but, also judgmental about those with mental illness. The series has taken the first question theme to some interesting places including that persons who were abducted multiple times might experience mental illness due to trauma. In this examination, it has become clear that the only person Mulder cares about their opinion, in terms of his own mental health, is Scully. Also, that some of his compulsion around his investigations into the paranormal is to affirm for himself that he saw his sister’s abduction (and did not imagine it.) We’ve also seen that Scully’s judgement of distrust when people have mental illness or believes in paranormal occurrences has never extended to Agent Mulder, not completely, despite sometime commenting “ that’s crazy”. The heart of the show, despite the catch phrase of trust no one, is that, even in the pilot, Mulder and Scully trusted each other.

Season ten opens with the agents, who had been living together romantically, now separated. Mulder has an official diagnosis of depression and Scully describes the relationship as being the most challenging she has ever had. The two episodes this blog reviews adds to the themes outlined above.

In Mulder and Scully meets the were-lizard, Mulder is going through a reexamination of his world view and wondering if now, as a middle aged man, he should put away childish things. In the course of the conversation Scully asks him if he is taking his meds. At the beginning of the investigation Mulder appears dejected and unbelieving. However, as the evidence mounts up, Mulder does begin to believe that the killer they are looking for is a monster. He excitedly talks to Scully who says this is how she likes Mulder, but also tells him he is “bat-shit crazy.”

In the next scene Mulder is questioning the suspect’s psychiatrist who tells him

“It's easier to believe in monsters out there in the world than to accept that the real monsters dwell within us (pointing to his head) here... and sometimes (pointing to his heart) here..” Mulder says that not everything could be reduced to psychology. The psychiatrist says he doubts if the prescribed medication is helping the suspect (Guy Mann) because “he seems pretty crazy to me.” The scene ends with the psychiatrist writing Mulder a prescription because “who is in more need of an antipsychotic, a man who believes himself to be a were-lizard or a man who believes that man?” While this is a comedic episode, that last statement summarizes well the ongoing theme in the series about whether or not there is a delusional aspect to Mulder’s beliefs.

The end of the episode sees Scully apprehending the actual suspect through sustain sound scientific research and Mulder seeing Guy Mann as he transitions into a were lizard; confirming for Mulder and the audience ( although not for the non witness Scully) that monsters do exist.

In the season finale My Struggle II, Mulder is missing and there has been some type of struggle/fight at his place. When a new agent asks why he would not have left a voice message, Scully says “I’m afraid he fears my judgement...on whether or not he is crazy.”

Once again, however, in this episode and without delving into the reveal in season 11 about what is happening in this episode, what the viewer sees is that everything Mulder believes about the paranormal, aliens and a conspiracy of men is not because of any delusions. Throughout the series the viewer has no doubt that what Mulder believes, regardless of any mental health issues, is the truth. However now Mulder has an official diagnosis and, even though Scully now is more a believer in things that are on the extreme fringes of scientific possibility, she is no less judgmental about persons with a diagnosis of a mental illness. Now that extends to Mulder. And the only person whose opinion of his mental health matters to Mulder is Scully. It makes it worse that she is more likely to believe in the paranormal than before but less likely to believe in Mulder. If she believes i aliens and conspiracies, and at this point how can she not, then the sole reason not to have faith in Mulder is because of her bias against persons with mental illness. If there is a lesson at the end of season ten which we can take and apply to real life, it’s how strong this bias is in Scully and in the hearts and minds of many real life people.

[jetsetlife138]

Imaginary - Chapter 6

Rating: Mature for this chapter, but Explicit in future chapters

Pairing: Alastor x Fem!Reader

Summary: A mysterious device throws you into the animated world of Hazbin Hotel. Once an average human living in a three-dimensional world, you’re now transformed into a two-dimensional human that has been cast into Hell. Pentagram City’s residents are curious and most harbor ill-will towards you. Charlie and the staff of the Happy Hotel take you in and offer you protection while they try and figure out how to return you to your world. That is… until you come across a certain Radio Demon with different intentions. Warnings: Manipulation, Language, Awkward Situations

Previous Chapters: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5

Tags: @beetlewise-and-pennyjuice @edgy-drama-queen @chasingfireflies1999 @galaxy-meteor @cecidit-31 @shadowclawstudio88 @utterly-disappointing @opheliuva @trinswhimsys @skylarhedges @whogavebrynjolfpermissiontobehot @sailor-earth-1

After your tiff with Alastor, you stomped off to seek the solitude of your own room. Dealing with him was infuriating and confusing. He had a way about him where even though you couldn’t stand him, you sometimes found yourself craving his company.

Maybe you were a masochist. That would make the most sense for why you were so fucked up and had weird, conflicting feelings about the arrogant demon.

The next day when you returned to the library, you were not at all surprised to see Alastor there waiting for you. Before you could even negatively comment on his presence, he held his hands up in surrender. “My dear, I owe you the sincerest of apologies. My behavior has been abysmal, and I am quite ashamed.”

You narrowed your eyes, suspicious of his sudden change of heart. His grin widened at your hesitance. “I’ll admit, I’ve gotten carried away during our prior interactions. Let me assure you, I only have the best of intentions. I would like us to be comrades. After all, as previously established, we can help each other. I am still dedicated to helping you return to your world.”

“Whatever, Alastor,” you brushed him off, pinching the bridge of your nose, your patience lacking. “I really don’t have the mental capacity for this right now. Just… keep your pervy hands and weird opinions to yourself. That’s all I ask.”

His lips peeled back further to make his already creepy grin look even more sinister. “Of course, my dear. As you wish.”

You weren’t stupid. You’d be a fool to think that he was being genuine, but at the same time, he was one of the most powerful beings in Hell. As you had already concluded, it couldn’t hurt to let someone like that help you, even if he had selfish intentions. It was just a matter of not falling victim to his advances.

Yet again, the two of you hit the books, making yourselves comfortable on the couch. Much to your relief, he stayed on the opposite end rather than crowd you with his overbearing presence. Instead, he kept to himself, humming softly as he skimmed through the pages of the books, seemingly content with the tedious task of research.

After intricately combing through five different books on magical travel, your eyelids started to get heavier, no longer able to concentrate. Not long after, you found yourself dozing off, your limbs going slack as you unintentionally slid down on the couch until you were met with a cushioned surface, enabling you to soundly fall asleep.

It wasn’t clear how much time had passed. It could have been merely a few minutes, or several hours. Either way, you were extremely comfortable and didn’t feel like moving.

Unfortunately, a voice nearby caused you to stir, interrupting your glorious nap. “Al, you soft son of a bitch.”

“Good evening, Husker. To what do I owe the pleasure?” Alastor’s voice sounded odd. Deeper and strangely close by, whereas Husk was clearly speaking from another part of the room. Still, even knowing that others were present, you couldn’t bring yourself to open your eyes, the allure of sleep keeping you content.

“How long you been sitting here like this?” the cat demon snickered.

“Oh, it’s difficult to say,” Alastor sighed candidly. “To be frank, my friend, I wasn’t quite sure what to make of the situation.”

Husk’s deep laughter echoed softly throughout the library. “So your aggressive approach didn’t pan out, huh? What a surprise. Always knew your bark was worse than your bite. Now you’re just a teddy bear.”

“Is there a reason for your visit? If so, I do wish that you’d just get on with it. I do not enjoy being mocked.”

“Settle down,” Husk prompted. “I’m not here to ruffle your feathers. I was coming to relieve you and help out the girl with research, but seeing as you’re so comfortable, I guess I’ll just be on my way.”

“Do not leave me here,” the Radio Demon warned, the static in his voice thickening with subtle rage. “Do something. Now.”

“You’ve slayed Overlords. You can’t manage to push a weak human off of your shoulder?”

“Husker.”

“Alright, alright,” he relented, sensing Alastor’s tone. “Don’t get your panties in a bunch.”

A firm pressure on your shoulder followed by an abrupt shake quickly alerted you to the situation that you were in. Eyes fluttering open, you tilted your head back to see that you had been pressed up against Alastor, using his body as a pillow.

You immediately shot up, giving yourself a head-rush as you did so. “Oh… Uh, Alastor, I’m so sorry. I didn’t…”

At a loss for words, you felt your cheeks reddening with embarrassment as you glanced at Husk who had an amused expression on his face.

Quickly rising from the couch and stretching his limbs, Alastor brushed off your apology. “Think nothing of it, my dear. I am glad to be of assistance, and I hope that you are now fully rested.”

Okay, what the hell? Who was this new Alastor? He went from being perverted and possessive to kind and charming? No, something was off. There was no way that his personality could have changed so dramatically overnight, but now was not the time to interrogate him about it.

“Yeah, uh, much better. Thanks. I’m… going to go take a shower,” you muttered, trying to find any reason to leave the library immediately.

Before either Alastor or Husk had a chance to respond, you practically sprinted out the door and ran for your room where you plopped face-down on the bed and released a muffled groan. You were slightly convinced that you were dying of embarrassment and that was the real reason you were trapped in Hell.

Sighing heavily, you eventually got up and took a cold shower, washing away the essence of Alastor that might have clung to you when you laid on him. Shortly after, you dried off and walked back to your room, shocked to find Charlie and Vaggie waiting for you with concerned expressions.

“Um, hey?” you greeted nervously. “What’s up?”

Vaggie narrowed her eyes and scoffed while Charlie took a more delicate approach. “So, listen… we’re so glad to hear that you’re becoming more and more comfortable here, but…” she trailed off, not sure how to proceed and turning to her girlfriend for help.

Crossing her arms, Vaggie stated bluntly, “Don’t hook up with Alastor.”

Mouth agape, you struggled to find the words to convey your bewilderment. “Um, I’m sorry, what ? Why the hell would you say that? I have no intention of spending more time with him than necessary, let alone that .”

Rolling her eyes, Vaggie countered, “Look, it’s no secret that he’s taken a liking to you. He’s a determined little shit and he will try to charm his way into your good graces. His whole persona is based on his ability to manipulate. It’s just better to not get involved with him. If I had it my way, he wouldn’t even be allowed in the hotel, but what’s done is done.”

“Okay? What exactly does that have to do with me hooking up with him? You don’t think I have more restraint than that?” you questioned, still unsure as to why they were upset.

Charlie interjected again, easing the tension. “We’ve seen you with him and things seem to be getting very… friendly. Husk told us you slept with him…” Ugh, it was like Angel’s prior accusations all over again.

“ On him,” you clarified defensively. “We were doing more research and I passed out on his shoulder! That’s it! Listen, I don’t trust him any more than you do. You don’t need to lecture me about staying on guard. That’s all I’ve been doing since I arrived here.”

Charlie bit her lip and gave you an apologetic look while Vaggie’s expression softened a little. “We didn’t mean to ambush you,” Charlie added. “We just wanted to make sure that you were okay and that he wasn’t forcing you into anything. We’re still getting to know him ourselves.”

“No, it’s fine,” you replied, waving your hand dismissively. “I get it, and I appreciate it. I didn’t mean to come off as bitchy, I’m just… stressed, I guess.”

“Understandable,” Vaggie chimed in, no longer appearing as hostile as she did a minute ago. “We’re still looking for answers on how to get you back to your world, and I can only imagine how terrifying and crazy this has been for you, but we want to make sure that your head is in the right place. Stay away from Alastor.”

“You called, little moth?”

Turning towards the entryway, Alastor stood proudly, twirling his staff nonchalantly in his hands.

Growling, Vaggie snarled, “Do you really have to be here all the time? Don’t you have somewhere else to be? A seedy back alley, perhaps? Busying yourself with souls to torment?”

“Ha!” he exclaimed, amused by Vaggie’s unwavering disdain for him. “Darling girl, this is where my priorities lie for the time being. Fear not, I have no intention of interjecting into what I’m sure is a very fascinating conversation.”

“Then why are you here?” she snapped, flexing her fingers angrily like she was trying to hold back from choking him.

Widening his permanent grin, he turned his attention to Charlie before replying cooly, “It appears you have a visitor.”

“Me?” Charlie asked, perplexed.

“Yes, my dear,” he confirmed, resting on his staff that he had stopped fiddling with. “Your guest is waiting for you in the parlor.”

The three of you began to head towards the door to see who had arrived, but Alastor whipped his staff out in front of you, preventing you from going any further.

“No, no, no, darling. Not you.” Charlie and Vaggie didn’t seem to notice as they continued out of the room, leaving you alone with the Radio Demon.

Eyeing him skeptically, you asked, “Why not?”

He almost looked… nervous? You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, but it was an uncharacteristic look for him. Though his smile remained, his demeanor wasn’t his usual arrogant and unbothered self. “Believe me when I say that it is in your best interest to remain here.”

Worrying your lip, you replied, “Alastor, I really don’t think that it’s a good idea for you and I to be alone together anymore.”

Tiling his head to convey his confusion, he asked, “Oh? And why is that?”

Swallowing thickly, you muttered, “I-I just… um… people are starting to think--”

Before you could finish your thought, an unfamiliar voice was drawing nearer, distracting you.

“...permission to enter my own hotel? Foolish daughter. You may work here, but this hotel is mine, as is everything else in Pride Ring. Now, where is our exotic guest?”

Though he was playing it off well, you noticed how Alastor went rigid as the voice got closer. Listening more intently, you could hear multiple sets of footsteps along with Charlie begging, “No! Dad, please just listen to me! Don’t--”

Not a moment later, a strange, yellow-eyed demon burst through the door, beaming right at you, followed by a very nervous Charlie. Vaggie was nowhere to be seen.

The excited demon was taller than you, though not as tall as Alastor. He was as pale as Charlie with similar rosey cheeks and blonde hair. He was adorned with a white and red tuxedo with dress pants and a cane with an apple on the end. His toothy smile was just as wicked as Alastor’s, and left you with a queasy feeling in the pit of your stomach.

“Ah, there you are. Look at you!” he proclaimed before surging forward and taking your hands in his, pulling you harshly towards him.

You stumbled forward, tripping on your own feet but managing to find your balance before he danced around you, inspecting you closely. Quirking a brow at him, you weren’t keen on the idea of someone looking you over so intimately.

Catching you off-guard, he suddenly reached forward and cupped your face with his hands as he ran his thumbs across your cheeks. Instinctually, you smacked his hands away, just as you had done previously with Alastor. “Seriously? What is it with you demons and lack of personal space?” you snapped, now seething with irritation.

He stood back, clearly surprised by your tenaciousness. “Feisty, aren’t we?” he chuckled, fiddling with his bow tie before straightening his posture. “Oh, we’re going to get along just fine. I can see that.”

“I’m sorry,” you replied with exasperation. “Who are you?”

Smiling wider, he answered, “I’m Lucifer, the King of Hell, my delectable little human. And you’re coming with me.”

[yaboyspodcastpalace]

For the character asks: Jon, Peter Lukas, Annabelle Cane? (giving multiple suggestions so you can pick one in case you get the same character twice in different asks)

very kind of you to assume i get many asks :') THANKS ill do all of them u_u

[Send me a character and i'll tell you...]

(under the cut bc i love talking and this got long lmao)

Jon

First impression

he's a uptight prick with obvious favoritism for sasha and tim and i love him so! much!!!!!!

Impression now

my poor little mew mew hm................I've got a complicated relationship w/ jon bc i love him a lot, but i loved s1 him the most, and literally everything else just makes me really, brutally, sad ;_; The way he tries so desperately to cling to his humanity and how other characters just call him by the title imposed to him makes me wanna cry

...also he just cares so much ;_; i cry

Favorite moment

probably his interactions with georgie at the beginning of season 3!!! From s5 id say when he killed not!sasha, it felt vindictive ù_ú

Idea for a story

Dhfhdh im p basic when it comes to him ngl, either jon/tim/sasha friends to lovers or jon and desolation!tim or *something*!sasha trying to stay as human as possible, together 😔 (or just any of them living and coping together in s4 n s5)

Unpopular opinion

Im just not a fan of monster jon, at all! He's not the type of character that i enjoy seeing having a corruption arc unfortunately!! It just hurts!!! (and this Is from someone that Loves corruption arcs!!!)

Also i really hate moth jon imagery??? For not particular reason, moths are pretty, but i still hate it u_u AND THE ASSOCIATION OF GREEN W/ JON (or the beholding in general!) I CANNOT STAND IT!! i know its bc of the tma logo but guess what! Its wrong! Purple jon rights!!!

ALSO ALSO the so called pining he had for martin just.... didnt felt like that at all! i have Many feelings abt this!

Favorite relationship

either georgie in s3, or sasha!!! i love how he always praises sasha in her research in s1 and even thought he's at his driest & sharp Trying-To-Project-Professionalism-And-Skepticism she still rolls into his office, interrupts him mid statement to banter w/ him abt pronunciation n stuff and its just Normal, like that speaks volumes of how comfortable they felt around each other! they were friends gdi! the moment he realizes she died and then everytime the not!them mocks him w/ her death makes me wanna break smth q_q

im not even gonna mention tim bc even though i love their relationship It 👏 makes me👏 very 👏 sad 👏

non shippy and also staying strictly canon, i love his relationship with melanie!

Favorite headcanon

sometimes i think abt that one hc that hes really good with arcade games bc he lived near the coast and i smile bc thats cute :) also hes a trans man 💙💗🤍💗💙

Peter

First impression

Mystery evil captain man!!! Fog?? I LOVE him :)

Impression now

I STILL LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!! Hes an asshole and has a lovely voice and smile and hes not, hes not Dumb but also he's far from the whooooa evil lonely influence he think he is (played like a cheap fiddle). He also makes me sad in ways i cannot and wont describe, and its a shame that he died cuz he was the best part of season 4 😔 rip you beautiful bastard man i still miss you </3

Favorite moment

"It has blood on it" "thats Leitner's too :D". Also when martin was angry abt idk, breekon? Jon going into the coffin? Cant remember, but peter was like I said id protect the institute, that guys not my problem ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Idea for a story

dfgdfg i have..... a petermart story that dealt with the different flavor of loneliness they both had, half smut half genuine meta of both of them and theorization on the branching of an Entity & how their powers manifested in other people...

basically, peter thinks hes hot shit when it comes to loneliness but gets overwhelmed when martin accidentally projects his feelings abt *fic's plot stuff* on him, its fun stuff!

Unpopular opinion

people either paint him like an absolute devil or an incompetent idiot and hes neither of them! hes an asshole who loves being an asshole but far from the worst monster in the show and he tried to do a clever scheme TWICE on his life and 1. while it was established that any of the rituals wouldnt work singularly the Silence was still a pretty clever attempt if it weren't for gertrude! and 2. well... he tried to manipulate someone petty and formerly supposed to be a web avatar, again not his fault, cant call him stupid for trying dfgdfg

i Do think hes kinda pathetic in some sense considering his backstory, but more out of personal pity than anything else

Favorite relationship

Canonically speaking him and martin! The pull and push of them was The best thing about season 4! Peter being a quite dangerous avatar and martin, beautiful and scared and kinda feisty, confronting him every chance he gets, peter doing his best to manipulate him and martin letting him believe hes succeeding (even thought, he is, partly). They're fascinating characters to have side by side

Favorite headcanon

Partly canonically speaking him and mikaele salesa :) they do bets together! They're lonely sea men! What else could you possibly want?

Also non shippy i like thinking abt peter's and simon's relationship but thats entirely non canon ♡

Diversity wins! The heir of the lonely is a gay man!

Also I think as every rich household(?) the lukases had many paintings and peter as a kid saw the ones w/ sailing ships and imagined sailing far far away from his family. That and seaman aesthetic fucks, which is why he always has the same vibe going on as an adult. He does Not know half of the things he'd need to know to have a ship though but hey he's rich and thats all he needs

Annabelle

First impression

thats a horrible psychological experiment they're making there D:

Impression now

THATS STILL A HORRIBLE EXPERIMENT AND ANNABELLE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER............. idk! she makes me sad in the same way jon (and to a degree, peter) does! to be a living puppet for the thing that traumatized you as a kid and that later kinda killed you / is the only thing keeping you alive, to be devoted to it scrambling to believe in a higher reason for all of it to happen bc to believe otherwise is............. anyway. i love her, and i feel so so sorry for her

Favorite moment

her "maybe ive never been to the beach" at the end of ehr statement (that i fully believe its bullshit but, yknow, i love that she adds that), most of her convos with martin, her "i told you this might happen" "you did, you did" with mikaele

Idea for a story

i think a lot about her having conversations w/ either mikaele (platonically) or sasha (shippy) and their different points of views and treat with her making her doubt the web a bit

Unpopular opinion

listen, listen, i know it sounds like im woobifying her i Know it but reading the scraps of her story how can i Not feel sorry for her? when the story framed her very similar to jon? the supernatural childhood encounter that gave them arachnophobia and the subsequential joining with an Entity against her will? the fact that both the story and the fans treat her like a spider woman always sat very very bad to me, and the fact that the story itself always framed her like a villain (considering All The Other Characters that get the benefit of the doubt) was extremely disappointing

Favorite relationship

her and mikaele!!!!!!! wish we could have seen more scenes of just the two of them!!!!!! *singing* he is her daaaaaad, hes her dad! boogie boogie boogie! (ok no but like... their offscreen friendship is my favorite thing of season 5 ;_;)

Favorite headcanon

Sigh i dont know...i still think she's scared of spiders which make her current existence harder but thats a sadcanon :/ umm...... i love the idea of mikaele and her cooking together from time to time! Mikaele showing her some plates he used to eat as a kid as he talks stories about his life :) and she listens and sometimes tells a story of her own! its been so long since he had a quasy normal conversation! its weird yet nice!

[misophoniainternational]

Often I am emailed, messaged, and generally bombarded with messages that ask: "Should I try experimental misophonia treatment?". People are willing to fork up thousands of dollars for these treatments, and sometimes more for plane tickets across countries, and even across oceans. I by no means want to insult these people - it's their money, their life, and their choice. I understand that misophonia is extremely polarizing, difficult, and essentially life-ruining. I get that these treatments offer some hope - if so and so on an internet forum found relief, than why not you? However - there's a great likelihood that the persons on internet forums haven't found relief for misophonia. In-fact, how do you know they have misophonia at all? I don't want to get into a conversation about how people on the internet can be liars. I'm not your grandmother, and I'm certainly not conversed that every person I'm talking to is stranger that hides in dark corners and waits to take advantage. Except, sometimes people are trying to take advantage. Whether these treatments are available for insurance or not, and most often are not, the person providing your 'treatment' is making money off every session. Sometimes they make money off 'consulting' about your case. Basically - your pain, suffering, and legitimate illness, are making them serious money. Maybe they do care about you - maybe they do think that their 'cure' is going to change the world. Fine. Then they should have it tested, thoroughly researched, go through clinical trials, and then - and only then - should they be charging you for their "treatments". The Duke Misophonia and Emotion Regulation program has a disclaimer about experimental misophonia treatment. On Allergic to Sound, Tom has some great thoughts about these so-called treatments. In his article, he suggests the practice of selling these treatments, "is unacceptable because the patient has no way of knowing whether they’re buying from someone who’s interested in making money…. or an individual who genuinely believes in their misophonia treatment… or a combination of the two. In each scenario the outcome for the patient is potentially the same." Even if your treatment provider has "Dr." in-front of their name, that doesn't mean that their treatment is viable. It also doesn't mean their treatment is viable if they are a behavioral analyst. As Dr. Brout, founder of the IMRN says in her Observer Article, "Misophonia has been hijacked by a bevy of charlatans, many with spurious credentials selling “cures” for the disorder. On social media and on the internet, “specialists” of various kinds with no apparent expertise deluged me, selling misophonia “apps” and potions that promised to “calm misophonia rage.”" Real treatments take time to develop. They're not as fun and as intriguing as the promise of an instant cure. Research, essentially, is a boring practice that takes place in a lab and numerous studies. People often google and search "quick misophonia cure" "misophonia treatment" or "get rid of misophonia now", but, if they were searching "misophonia research" they would see that a potential cure is possible, and that's because of real research - at universities. Instead of blowing $4,000 on false hope - sufferers have the very real possibility of investing in research that can yield real results. For me, that kind of power is exciting. You can find more about the potential treatment study here. This study is not the first, and was first examined at NYU by top neuroscientist Joseph E. LeDoux on rats. Research takes steps. I can't tell you what to do. I can't tell you not to try these experimental misophonia treatments. I can say that there's no evidence that they're going to work. Evidence takes more than anecdotal studies and people saying that it worked on the internet. Testimonials are not the same as research studies, as clinical trials, and evidence. In my opinion, we're being taken advantage of. Apps, sprays, and neuro-whatever treatments aren't going to help you with your misophonia. Coping tips, a sensory diet, and stress management can be helpful, but as of yet there is no clinically proven treatment for misophonia. At the end of the day, if you want to spend your hard earned money on false hope, I can't stop you. I really can't. I can tell you all day long that it won't work. I'm not saying this just because I feel it won't. There's simply not enough evidence to say it will work. If some mild coping is what you're looking for - there are much cheaper, more efficient, and less worrisome ways to do so. These false treatments could cause more damage, especially since we don't know exactly what they do -again, not enough research. It's your risk to take - but, it might very well be too much of a risk. Instead of paying people for treatments, I urge you to consider the possibility of funding research - or, at