#my mother started it recently and was like ...why did i not do this sooner

[juvenillia]

~ habits ~ König x fem!reader [fluff/secret santa]

a/n: @bunnyreaper did organise a secret santa, and I had the big honour to write for @piecesofcain and one of the options I could choose from was König, so ofc I had to! Christmas in Germany can be so freakin beautiful!!! Alright, I hope you like it angel. 🩶

[Also this will be like my slow come back to writing! Things are figured out, and I'm back at working on my stories. Stay tuned chums]

wordcount: 2.4k

》Master Post《

A repeating tapping of a heavy boot. A bobbing knee, which his huge sweaty hand tried to force into halt again. He was used to life-or-death situations. Calculating everything in the back of his head to make it out alive and achieve the desired outcome. Nervous was never a word you would think of when looking at the behemoth of a man König was. Maybe respected or even feared, but definitely not as anxious as he felt right now. He was deployed in Berlin for more than three months now. Working together with the KSK. Nothing he wasn’t used to. Nothing that would leave him sleepless. Still, he didn’t find much sleep for the last three days. Three days ago, was the day when you made the decision to fly over to Germany to visit him.

You had a phone call, rambling about your day when he nearly fell asleep because of the difference in time zones. He loved to stay awake listening to your voice anyway. It quickly became a habit for him. It felt like your voice was stuck in his life forever. Maybe it was simply because he believed his life just really started with the day he met you. Your voice was the needed comfort after a stressful day for him. A comfort that lulled him deeper into a slumber, imagining you would be by his side. Only your recent question brought him back to reality.

“Entschuldige. What were you saying?” [Excuse me] A yawn followed the thick German accent as he rubbed his forehead. His phone rested on his brawn chest.

“Silly.” You laughed while repositioning the laptop in front of you. The screen showed a website with different flight options. “I asked you, if you’d like me to come over for your days off.” It was a genuine question, eventually a bit shyer than the first time you asked him.

Suddenly, he was broad awake. Sitting up in his bed, the phone slid off his chest. He barely could catch it before it would’ve fallen to the floor. “Let me buy you the ticket.” All exhaustion in his voice was replaced with determination.

“Kö…”

“Not negotiable, Engel.” [angel] No sooner said than done, the plane tickets were bought.

A decision that led him to the Berlin airport, waiting for your arrival. A single rose resting on the seat next to him. Why was he so nervous when a good friend came over? Simple: Because you were already so much more to him. The two of you often spent the holidays together, when his job allowed it of course. Just two good friends sharing some quality time, but this time felt different. König had made up his mind some time ago. A night when he was sure not to see the rising sun again, and everything that clung to his mind was your smile. The only thing that kept him going was the thought of returning to you. He knew back then that he was screwed, too scared to risk the friendship you shared. He wanted to keep everything normal between both of you. Not sure how he’d manage, but he would try his best.

Just a few more minutes passed and then you walked along the corridor, wearing the mesmerizing smile he loved so much. Suitcase in one of your hands and the other already reaching out to him, while he pulled you in a tight hug. Bending down to embrace you fully, while you let go of your suitcase to do the same. He inhaled your scent as he buried his masked face into your hair. It was like all the anxiety had left his body. “Du hast mir echt gefehlt.”

“König.” You laughed while pulling away, searching for his crystal blue eyes. Eventually you found his habit of switching back to his mother tongue cute, even if you often had troubles understanding him.

“Sorry.” He squeezed your shoulders before redrawing his hand to massage his nape. “I’ve missed you… a lot." You could notice the smile, even when half of his face was covered by a black cotton mask he wore often when both of you were out. Before you could say something else, he held the flower up in front of you for you to take. No words, just a small gesture while he averted his eyes from yours.

“There was no need to.” You took the rose out of his hand, your fingers brushing amongst his for the blink of an eye. “Thank you.” Your tone became a bit shyer, while your cheeks were stained in a slight rose. Something he missed as the floor became so much more interesting. There was never a need to be honest, but he still managed to give you little things. Just little gifts to show how much he cared.

Without hesitation he took your suitcase and held out his arm for you to take. A polite gesture, something that became a habit whenever you two walked somewhere. He would lead you to wherever needed while you wrapped your hand around his beefy upper arm. He always needed to slow his steps to match your pace. This time he led you to his car. Holding the passenger door open for you to take your seat. Just then he stored your luggage in the trunk and took his own seat.

“Where are you taking me?” It took you some time before you asked him. Your eyes taking in the different views of Berlin’s streets. It was your first time being here, so literally everything seemed to catch your interest. König made sure to take a longer route to your place of destination. Driving past the Tempelhofer Feld which looked so out of place. Nothing but huge snowy fields in the middle of the city. Making sure to take an extra turn in the roundabout by the Siegessäule. Leading you all the way back to Alexanderplatz. The whole city was covered in adorable lights, little Christmas Trees and lanterns. But in his opinion none of their lights could compete with the shining in your eyes. He told you more or less stupid facts about the places you drove past till he parked the car in one of the underground garages near the huge shopping center called Alexa, which was completely flooded in decorations and humans running the last errands for the holidays.

A shopping center you tried to fight your way out. It was way too crowded, and made you feel kind of anxious. Your hand clinging tight onto his upper arm while he led you through the mass of people. To his advantage he could overlook most of the customers around. He slid his arm around your shoulder to keep you closer to him. Granting you a feeling of safety. “Just a little while longer, mein Engel, just a little bit,” he said calmly, hoping his voice and touch could bring you the same comfort as you brought him all the time, while leading you out of the center and onto a bigger place. The space itself was covered in little wooden booths where you could buy many different kinds of food, drinks or little presents. It was one of the various Christmas markets which are dispersed all over the city.

Even if you could easily breath and most people granted you some space for yourself out here, you were still tugged into his side. Not daring to let go, until you stood in front of a huge field of ice. It was formed like a ring, and in the middle was a water fontaine - the Neptunbrunnen - decorated in some cozy lights. The air was filled with laughter and screams by children sliding over the icey floor. “Engel, you mentioned some time ago that you’d like to go ice skating.” He patted your head slightly, while adjusting the cotton cap you wore. “And how nobody would join..so I thought…”

Without waiting for him to finish and without hesitation you wrapped your arms around him. “Kö, I love you.”

He also wrapped his arms around you, while his heart felt heavy, still, you could feel the vibrations of his chest as some chuckles left his throat. He had heard those words millions of times. Something that was such a routine, while he knew how you meant it, he would love to hear it with different intentions. “Ich hab dich auch lieb.” [I love you too.(used for friends)]

Within the next twenty minutes you were on the ice, skates laced onto your feet while holding König’s hands to help stabilize himself. He may be an ace when it comes to rescuing hostages and invading enemy terrain, but standing on the thin metal beneath his huge feet, it was difficult for him. But you couldn’t help it and find it really adorable. Little children were faster on the ice than him. But you didn’t mind. Any minute you spent with him was just pure entertainment. After some time, when he finally grew more confident on the skates, he told you to take some rounds on your own. Just so you could fully enjoy it, while he made little steps to even fulfil one round on the rink.

The next thing you could remember was a bit blurry. The white floor stained red. You just assumed that he fell. As someone explained later to you, there were some careless kids, they didn’t take notice of the nearly two meter man lying on the cold floor. Unfortunately they literally ran over him, the skid running a deep wound through his jacket and into the flesh of his arm. You were freaking out, yelling at the kids while there were already two people helping him up and taking care of him, calling an ambulance. Better safe than sorry, they told him as he declined the offer. It really wasn’t a big deal for König, but for you.

The whole thing led to the two of you sitting in the emergency room, where a nurse took care of the injury. Just a few stitches and everything was fine. Well, not for you. As you walked into the hotel room he booked for you, you still kept ranting about those brats that hurt him. That hurt your König. He couldn’t do anything but laugh about your rambling. “You’re adorable like that.” The words slipped faster out of his mouth than he could’ve blinked. Sitting at the edge of your bed, mask long forgotten and staring once more at the floor. There weren't many things that would make the Austrian nervous, but knowing to say something inappropriate for the sake of your friendship indeed did make him nervous. Maybe even more as you didn’t answer the man now searching for your eyes. You stood in front of him, even in this position you barely were on eye level due to his height.

His eyes kept scanning your face, every twitching of your brows or blinking of your eyes. He observed it before he exhaled deeply. Took your hands in his to pull you a bit closer. You let him do so, still not saying anything. Too curious what was happening in his head.

“Ich liebe dich.” He looked directly in your eyes while keeping a stern face. Unsure of what he was doing.

You just nodded while turning your head away now. “Yeah… love you too.” It was the usual answer, something so casual for you to say. An old habit.

“Nein, mein Engel.” [No, my angel.] He shook his head and brushed his thumbs over your knuckles, before pulling them up to his mouth to place a slight kiss onto them. “Hab dich lieb and Ich liebe dich, those are two different things." His eyes held a bit of fear, but also so much adoration as his hands couldn’t let go of yours.

His words made something click inside your head. This wasn’t like the empty phrase he used so often. Not like the words you used to say. It wasn’t by habit. It was a confession, something you could have missed easily, if it wasn't for him to clarify it right here. Besides all the promises he made to himself, to keep it on the casual and friendly bases you had, he couldn’t hold it back anymore. He wanted to be honest with you. He never wanted to lie to you. Those words often died on his tongue before, but not this time.

Your lips parted while one of his hands reached out to cup your cheek and your throat ran dry. “You mean it?” It was nearly pathetic asking for reassurance, but he got it. Pulling you once more closer to him, his nose touched yours now. Your noses brushing amongst each other as he slowly nodded. So you took the initiative and closed the last gap separating both of you. Placing your lips gently onto his while closing your eyes. His hands let go of yours, to take hold onto your waist while pulling you impossible closer. You nearly tripped over, but your hands found his shoulders to gain a bit of stability while the kiss grew deeper. Neither of you wanted to let go first, but the air escaping your lungs let you pull away sooner or later.

With a raising and falling chest you looked into each other's eyes and a smile tugged at his lips. “This becoming our new habit?” you teased him with the same genuine smile.

“Ich hoffe doch.” [I hope so] With those words he threw himself onto his back, pulling you immediately on top of him and wrapping his arms around your figure, listening to your little giggles in doing so.

“Kö, your wound!” You scolded him, but he didn't care, not when he finally could fall asleep the way he always wanted to. You tugged onto his chest, beefy arms keeping you close to him while you could listen to his heartbeat, which slowed more and more after the confession.

The whole situation led you to spending most of the days of this year’s holidays in the cozy hotel room, taking good care of the wound that would now become a scar. An addition to the ones he already had, but this one would always hold a special meaning to him. Reminding him on the day you became fully his.

[sabo-has-my-heart]

Hello I’m sorta new to ur blog and I would like to request an emergency request!

I don’t really know how it works so if there’s something I didn’t or did do wrong please ignore this!

I’ve recently caught myself having suicidal thoughts since I really do not like the pain of losing a loved one and think it’s better dying then ever experiencing it again. It sounds selfish but I can’t help thinking about it. It’s weird since for me the feeling of losing someone is way more strong then I think it is for other people and I know people around me will feel sad about me being gone but I tell myself what’s the point if I’m dead anyway. It’s a very selfish and selfless way of thinking and I know that, if you do not feel comfortable with this. Again please ignore this,

But how would law and sanji react to their fem! Partner having these thoughts?

Thank you and have an amazing day:)

First things first, let me say that my heart goes out to you. Second thing, please, please, please go see someone and get some help. I know it's probably hard or perhaps not what you want to hear, but please.

Warnings: suicidal thoughts, emergency request, mentions of death

Word Count: 1405

     They were gone. How could they be gone? How could they be… how could they be dead? Feeling the tears run down your cheeks, you curled your fingers in your hair. Part of you knew that death was part of the job. It came with being a pirate, but to be honest, you’d never actually, truly thought about it. Something that was in the back of your mind but never something that was really real. You just wanted to die; better to die than to experience somebody else dying, right? Better to end things than to have to experience this pain again. Worse yet, watching everyone else go about doing things, it felt like you were the only one mourning. Did they not feel their death? They looked sad, but how could they just continue to go about their lives? Continue to work like they were? You didn’t even hear the door open, didn’t notice your partner looking at you with such sympathy and sadness. He’d noticed your change in mood, in attitude, and it had worried him a little, but now seeing you curled up on the floor, he was more worried than ever. 

Sanji

     The blond walked over to you, sitting down next to you before wrapping his arms around you, pulling you out of your thoughts as he carefully maneuvered you into his lap.

     “I’ve been looking for you, ma cherie. Why are you hiding such beauty away in here?” he asked softly, placing one hand on the back of your head, stroking your head as he pressed your head against his chest to listen to his heart. All you could do was shake your head as the tears turned into full sobs. His arms wrapped tighter around you, trying to make out your words through your bawling. Finally making out what you were saying caused his heart to break. You were in so much pain. He wouldn’t lie and say that he was unaffected, but seeing how hard it was hitting you, he wished that he was more affected so that you would be less affected; to take away your pain, even if it meant taking it on himself. It reminded him of when he lost his mother, the pain stabbing at his heart, bleeding his young heart dry. 

     His lips met your forehead as he cradled you close, cooing gently as he tried to comfort you. Admittedly, he felt a little bad that he hadn’t noticed the severity sooner, but he also thanked the heavens that he noticed it when he did; noticed it before things went too far. 

     “It’ll be okay, mon amour, I’m here, I’ll stay here by your side and help you get through this, okay? I know it hurts, but please, please don’t… don’t do… that. I couldn’t live without you, you’re my entire world. Whatever you need, I’ll get it for you, just… please, I… don’t do that. And remember, I’m always here. You can come to me anytime, whatever you need. Please just… stay, for me?” he pleaded, tears starting to make their way down his cheeks. He didn’t want to make you feel worse, but it hurt him so much that you were even considering such a thing. You were his everything, his light, his love, he couldn’t bear to be without you. 

     “Please, please, please… don’t… don’t do anything, don’t leave me. You can call me selfish if you want, let me be the selfish one and ask you to stay. You… you’re too sweet, too kind, to be selfish like that. So let me be the selfish one and ask you to never leave my side.” He pleaded, nuzzling his face into the top of your head. Clutching his shirt as if your life depended on it, you could only nod, still sobbing. He didn’t know how long he stayed with you like that, only that Luffy had started screaming for him about lunch. Glancing down at you, his brow furrowed. You’d cried yourself to sleep. Carefully picking you up, he moved you to his bed before storming out to his captain.

     “Luffy! Shut up! Y/n is sleeping and I don’t need you waking her up. I swear, if you wake her up, I’ll throw all the meat on the Sunny over the side of the ship!” Sanji threatened, making the boy’s eyes widen and nod. Sighing, he paused, “She’s taking this hard, just… let me take care of her for a little while. Just until she’s better.” Sanji requested, watching as his captain nodded again. He’d be there for you as long as you needed, anything to make sure you were okay.

Law

     Being a doctor and being your partner always, always made things hard for him. When did he draw the line? Where did he stop and go “I’m a doctor and you need to take these meds”? At what point should he stop holding you close and instead get you a therapist? Standing here in front of you, he pondered this even more. Should he approach you as your partner or your doctor? Doctor or partner, doctor or partner? Taking a deep breath, he picked you up, drawing a surprised gasp as he ‘shambles’ed you both to his room, laying down on his bed with you and holding you close.

     “If you needed to cry, you should have come to me.” Law said awkwardly, running his hand up and down your back, letting you cling to him. You were silent for a moment, not entirely sure what you should say. Finally you mumbled out what was wrong, the words muffled in his chest. His brow furrowed, his hand on your back halting for a moment. Doctor or partner, doctor or partner? 

     “You… I want… I want you to see someone about this… I need to know if you need to be medicated long term for depression.” he said after a minute. He was your partner, but he was also a doctor. This would be the best option for both sides. As a doctor, he wanted what was best for your health, as your partner, he wanted you to be okay. This would help you be okay… right? Laying there, the man grew nervous by your silence. Were you mad at him for suggesting it? Were you going to turn him down? Or worse, close yourself off? Finally, thankfully, you nodded. He was a doctor, he loved you, he’d know what was best for you, right? Sure, you wanted to die, but… but Law knew what to do, right? The man sighed in relief, his arms wrapping tighter around you, muttering quiet ‘thank you’s. Fuck, you’d scared him. He couldn’t lose you. He’d lost enough, he couldn’t lose you too, least of all to this, not like this. His family to the World Government, Cora-san to Doflamingo, he couldn’t lose you, not like that.

      He couldn’t help but relax ever so slightly, relieved that you listened. You’d be okay, you’d get help and you’d be okay. He’d keep a close eye on you and you’d be okay, he’d make sure of it. It would take a while, he knew it would take a while, but you would be okay. Okay, he didn’t actually know that for certain, but with as scared as he was, he needed to tell himself that, he needed that reassurance that you wouldn’t leave him. Just like you, he couldn’t experience that again. Too many times had he seen that, he couldn’t do it again. Cuddling you closer, he breathed in your scent, as if trying to memorize it, as if he was still going to lose you. It was only now that you realized how much he was trembling, the realization dawning on you. He couldn’t lose anyone else again, just like you, he’d rather die than experience that again. It made you wonder how he did it. How did he deal with the crushing weight of knowing he could lose his entire crew yet stay so strong? Maybe… Maybe you could find out; maybe, if you stayed, you could find out and you could be like him, be strong like him. Slowly, your breathing steadied, evening out as you dozed off. Almost as soon as you were asleep, Law was letting the others know to head for the nearest island. He’d get you help asap, because he really couldn’t lose you too.

[littledollll]

Can you do a Larissa x reader comfort fic?

Fem reader is an empath. And can form bonds with people if they choose. Due to reader and Larissa being together there is a bond which allows reader to feel Larissa’s emotions and project her own onto Larissa. (Think like jasper from twilight 😂)

Prompt would be|

Something like reader has family issues and one day her mother turns up at Nevermore to talk but walks in on Larissa and reader cuddling or something similar. Reader isn’t out yet due to the relationship between them both being poor. The mother then gets angry with reader for not telling her etc and reader just sits numb and unknowingly activating her empathic power till the mother leaves before breaking down In Larissa’s arms. ~shy anon

Home

Larissa Weems x empath!reader

A/n: writers block has been hitting hard recently so I hope this is okay!

Warnings: toxic ass mother, crying, idk what else

You and Larissa started dating after your first year at Nevermore, you being the new counselor at the school you grew on the students and staffs hearts rather quickly, you allowed everyone to feel understood, like they weren’t alone, that’s certainly needed in a school of outcasts, and even more the schools principal, you two bonded quickly, making you physically and emotionally inseparable, she could feel you and you could feel her, no matter how far apart you were.

Now it’s been 3 years since you swooned the principals heart, you and Larissa decided to room together not long ago, which you both quickly agreed you should’ve done sooner. You’d never really spoken much about your family or your relationships with them, all Larissa knew was that it wasn’t great, she didn’t really know the extent of it, not until today.

Once a month Larissa would give a random extra free day, students and staff alike could use it to go into town, catch up on work, or just rest, which is what you and Larissa chose for today. It had been peaceful until now, you decided a lazy day would be best, just the two of you in bed, order take out when you wanted to eat and do relatively nothing, which felt weird for the workaholic that Larissa is.

You were curled up on the couch, your back against her chest, going through a rewatch of all your favorite movies when there was a knock on the door. Apparently one of you forgot to lock if because after the third knock you decided to ignore the door swung open to reveal, your mother? What the hell was she doing here? Larissa spoke up while you just sat frozen. “These are private quarters. It’s rather impolite to burst in, unless there’s an emergency?”

Your mother looked at both of you, analyzing what she was seeing, then turned to Larissa seething. “The emergency is that my daughter has completely fallen off the face of the earth after arriving here, and now I come visit and she’s laying with some girl?” You finally stood and spoke up, no way she was going to speak to Larissa that way, much less in your own room.

“I tried calling, all you ever did was yell and complain, I’m grown and tired, mother, and very much independent why do you care where I am? She is not ‘some girl’ she’s a woman, a very responsible, strong and respected woman, and if you’re going to show respect and basic fucking human decency.” Larissa could feel your dread at the situation how angry you were for her to just show up and start another fight, but also your pride in how you spoke about her, it made her heart swell as she stood beside you.

“Since when do you even like girls, what the hell is this. I didn’t raise you to be like this, where you simply never going to tell me?” Her face twisted in disgust and disappointment as she spoke to you. Larissa swears she’s never felt your emotions drop so fast. It was all anger for one second and the next absolutely nothing. She tilted her head at you, hand coming to rest on your back.

“I want you to get the hell out of my home, now.” You said, completely void of any emotion. Larissa agreed. “I’d love to call security to escort you out but I feel as though we can avoid that, please make your way out, somebody will be waiting for you at the front.”

As your mother walked away grumbling to save herself the embarrassment of being dragged away٫ Larissa closed the door, making sure to lock it before walking back to you, who was already silently curled up on the couch again. Larissa chose to keep quiet, shifting you so she could lay behind you like your were before.

“…I can’t let her see me like how I feel, I feel like screaming and sobbing, maybe punching her across the face in all honesty-“ Larissa quietly chuckled at that before letting you continue. “But I can’t- I can’t let her know she got to me, she can’t know her efforts were successful. I would rather die- than let her win.” The act fell and you broke down everything you couldn’t allow your mother to see, Larissa saw it all and she held you through it٫ soothing hands playing with your hair, allowing you to speak.

“My whole life she’s never had a single good thing to say, would directly go against anything I wanted, I had a total lack of support- I couldn’t let her go against who I love too, so I kept it shut.” She wrapped her arms lovingly around you, resting her chin on your shoulder. “Is this why you never talked about her?” You nodded. “She’s ruined everything else for me, you, this school, are the only things she hadn’t gotten to yet-“ Larissa held your jaw making you look at her. “My love, nothing and nobody can take away my love for you, she can’t ruin us.”

“She won’t be coming back, I’ll ban her from the school, security won’t let her through.” She kissed your cheek before continuing. “Nevermore is our home, you don’t need to hide here, not your identity, or your emotions, you are loved and celebrated by all of us. And she can’t take that away.”

[poeticexhalations]

The Day I Realized I Was Poor

The day I realized my family was poor was when I was fourteen years old, and I wanted a new dress for the 8th grade winter formal. I was barely touching the surface of what I thought to be “beautiful”. My hours in the morning were occupied with experimentation to try and achieve perfect beauty; I had recently learned how to apply sloppy mascara, I had dyed my hair a rich shade of black, and I had even started painting my disaster of nails hot pink of all colors. 

The pink never lasted, since I was so invested in soccer and always destroyed my hands, but I kept doing it anyways.

I was always a bit of a “tom boy” up until eighth grade, my mother said. I played with the boys, I learned “boy” things, and I showed little interest in fashion or beauty. This all changed with my first real boyfriend. 

We even held hands once. 

I wanted to be pretty for him. I wanted to be worthy of standing next to him. He was the most popular boy in school, so I had zero idea why he had selected me as his date. Girls flocked to him like flies to honey, but I was the lucky girl who was able to say that he was my “date” to the formal. He asked me rather unofficially; he threw a note at me in science class, and the crumpled lined paper whacked me in the eye.

It was all very romantic.

So I asked my mother if we could go dress shopping. I had tweezed my eyebrows into oblivion for the occasion, painted my toenails to match my fingernails, and even shaved (and skinned) my toothpick legs. The dress was the final piece of the puzzle.

I had this vision in my head that would replicate one of my favorite scenes from a childhood movie that I watched on repeat: A Cinderella Story. 

In this movie, Lizzie McQuire walks down the stairwell at the high school dance, the sea parts for her, the lights shine on her, and all boys–even the ones that made fun of her–wanted to kiss her. All the girls wanted to be her.

And considering I was teased a lot in school, I wanted this moment.

I wanted to shed my ugly-duckling feathers and turn into a beautiful swan. 

Only the perfect dress would do.

We made many stops at the mall, but I barely noticed my mother wince at the price of the dresses. I’d try on dress after dress at Sears, looking specifically in the clearance section, but she’d always tell me, “Let’s keep looking.” 

My heart was broken twice that day, because for the first time in a long time, I had felt pretty in some of those gowns. They accentuated my twig-like body and made me look feminine, not invisible. And I couldn’t have them. 

The second time my heart broke was when I realized how desperately my mother wanted to give this to me and couldn’t. As an adult writing this down, I can’t imagine the pain that must have cost her, and I ache for her. 

I should have picked up on our poverty sooner, but I had the rose-tinted glasses on. I didn’t realize how odd it was to not have working electricity in the kitchen. I didn’t understand how uncommon holes in the roof were. I didn’t know it was strange to eat ramen as much as we did.

My mother did her best, and I loved her for it. Isn’t that a parent’s job, to provide children with everything they long for? I was rich in other ways. I may not have had the makeup or shoes or phones of my peers, but I had treasure with her. I had her unconditional love, her undying affection, and her deep understanding regardless of what poor choices I made. We grew up on food stamps, walks instead of drives, holes in my shoes, and hand-me-down clothing.

I was poor, definitely, but I was the richest kid in every room I walked in.

Because I had my brother and my mother.

[crownsofesha]

Top Post of Each Month of 2023

(I used tumblr top ten to find out which when the top post of each month)

January

Here

This was just a really simple post, in my old editing style as well, apart of a short series of portiture introducing the Holmes. Cousins of Anne through Jane. Not my favorite of the month, but still cute. Other parts of the month in general was just some story posts.

February

Here

I love this post a lot, it marks the beginning of a collab that will come out in the next arc. I thought it would have come out sooner, but I ride the waves of motivation. The picture itself was one of my favorites with that editing styles, and still is. February saw one of my favorite posts, featuring Jane and their kids (including Anne).

March

Here

And so begins my recent editing style. I love it so much. This post as well. And I was able to come out with the part two to this lookbook in this year, thats a win for me. The post itself really helped me establish more cultural things about the people of Esha and their connection to plants and colors. In March I made my first and probably only guide on Russian Titles and the first part of the "What Once Was, Will Never Be." The second part gets to come out wayyyy later.

April

Here

My first poll! (I'm pretty sure). I just love dressing Esther up, and wanted a little cinderella moment, but Hildegard really did look way better in the dress (as well as the color chosen for her). This month I only posted 5 seperare posts, and most of it was asks.

May

Here

An introduction of three Queens and a Grand Princess through out the history of Esha. (Including one for the future) I introduced a decent amount of future gens this month. I wish the mother's day post from this month got more traction than this. (It had my next two gens featured) I also did a couple of lookbooks.

June

Here

I finally had another story post this month and this post for some reason was the most popular of the month, and for the rest of the year until just recently. Its just a picture of a crown! I was so confused when I found out that it was my top post. Don't get me wrong I love the work and worldbuilding I put into the royal collection I made, but it just confuses me why it was so popular. I did a lot of worldbuilding in June.

July

Here

This was very fun to do! Also technically a worldbuilding thing for me in the fashion, but the portraits that came out of it are really pretty! I didn't have much going on for this blog during July.

August

Here

A lookbook of Arabella's outfits! This was very fun, it got me more interested into what They wear for royal outings and just in general. This month saw another story post (One of my favorites) and the start of the Six Queens storyline!

September

Here

This is an Au post where if Anne didn't marry George, Esther would have, for ...reasons :) The month saw the beginning of chapter two of the six queens story and just some of my favorite edits as well. Like some magazines I did for Esha.

October

Here

This was the beginning of a series of portraits I did for the modern royals of Catalia. October was also the start of Sima and I creating a second short story other than Six Queens, which will come out after Six Queens has finished. It also saw two of my favorite posts of the Six Queens short story and the end of Six Queens Chapter Two.

Novemeber

Here

One of my favorite posts of all time, and getting to feature some of my favorite historical sims that are now dead in the present. The month itself was mostly just portraits and answering asks.

Decemember

Here

The post that beat the crown! I was so happy with how this came out. This involed more worldbuilding for the country of Chelyabinsk, and me wishing for more Kokoshnik cc. This portrait was used for Tsarina Sofiya's wikipedia post, which I accidently forgot to add her death date, which I will add at a later date and publish again with other wikipedia articles. I want to add more just to hers. The rest of this month was more portraits and a chanukkah post that I planned on having more to it, which I do plan on posting for when its chanukkah in universe (insert crying emoji here) and I got to 200 followers, which was very exciting!

I can't wait to see what happens in the next year for this blog. I have a lot going on in TBS and I can't wait to publish it all. Happy New Years!

[amberjazmyn]

dr spencer reid one-shot

 𝘨𝘪𝘧 𝘪𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘦 - your french is excused 

𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 - other than swear words and the normal criminal minds warnings/triggers, i don't think any other warnings are needed 

𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 - whilst you may be the youngest member of the behavioural analysis unit with the fbi and thought to be the one with the foulest mouth, you are the complete opposite. you have actually never sworn once during your time at the bau and it's usually everyone else in the team that speaks the foulest words of the english language. so, when you are put at your wit's end with an unsub (who turns out to be your own mother) you lose your cool and start swearing your arse off. let's just say, on the plane home back to quantico, your boyfriend dr spencer reid and the rest of the bau (including the usually stoic and strictish aaron hotchner) can't help but laugh at hearing you swear all of the possible swear words under the sun. 

𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘦 - i just find this concept hilarious because, fun fact, i swear like a sailor so, i just thought it would be funny to write something like this where a character who never swears finally does and uses more than just the typical shit or crap but the entire catalogue of swear words. also, whilst it does start off slightly sad with charlyse revealing her messed up childhood, it does get happier once the case is finished and the agents get on the private jet, they start laughing as they can finally relax and realise the fact that charlyse had finally sworn. 

masterlist

- - - 

supervisory special agent charlyse franklin was never one to say a swear word, it's true. however, if there was anyone in the entire world that could get the young twenty-four-year-old girl to break into a string of every single swear word under the sun, it would be charlyse's mother, alberta franklin. charlyse always knew there was something wrong about her mother that rubbed the young fbi agent in the wrong way but, it wasn't until the most recent case she and the rest of the bau went on back to her hometown that she realised what that uneasy feeling about her own mom was that she gave her. it had been unearthed that mrs alberta franklin was a serial rapist and kidnapper and never in charlyse's twenty-four years of life did she realise that her mother was doing in the basement of their very own two-storey house. looking back on it now as the fbi agent moved through her childhood home to find the unsub that was her own mother, it made so much sense that the lady who brought charlyse into this word could commit such crimes.

it all made sense as she flashed back to the moments of her childhood that indicated to ssa franklin about her mom's dirty secret, like when her father filed for a divorce against alberta and many others that now seemed so obvious in charlyse's head that she wished she had realised sooner. she now realised the reason why she, who was only twelve at the time, couldn't be present at the court hearing of her own parents' divorce settlement - it was because alberta was still kidnapping and raping kids at the time of the divorce and due to being a child at the time, charlyse's dad didn't want to subject his daughter to this information that would have been totally new and seemingly crazy to the girl.

"...alberta franklin, this is the fbi, if you don't show yourself right now, we will have to use force! please open this door otherwise my colleague supervisory special agent charlyse franklin will take no hesitation in kicking his door down!" aaron hotchner's, unit chief of the bau, voice is strong, authoritarian and it is known to force unsubs to open their doors once they hear the action of their doors getting kicked down

the minute alberta heard ssa hotchner mention her daughter's name and her fbi title in front of it before stating that charlyse would kick the door down without hesitation, it scared the middle-aged woman. alberta was aware of what an amazing fbi and bau agent her daughter was but, she wasn't aware that she would ever be caught by her daughter of the horrible crimes she had been commiting throughout charlyse's entire life - without her daughter's knowledge

it took alberta franklin less than a quarter of a second to reach for the basement door before the middle-aged lady was forced back into the room due to the force that charlyse's converse all-stars had made to the door. with her gun hoisted high in the air, ssa morgan and ssa dr reid taking each side next to ssa franklin, she raced against the clock as she finally found the group of now teenagers that her mom had raped, kidnapped and abused, sending ssa morgan over to take care of them whilst she and her boyfriend, reid, dealt with her mother.

"alberta franklin, have you any knowledge about the crimes you have commited?" charlyse speaks intelligently and with strength, no sign of faltering under the pressure of questioning her own mother

"you think you're being smart, charlyse?" alberta quips with a comedic flare as the older woman crosses her arms over as if she was smart enough to challenge her own daughter - who, just as a reminder, was an fbi agent and a highly decorated one at that

"do you think you're being smart by trying to outsmart two fbi agents, in which one of them has three phd's, an eidetic memory, can read 20,000 words per minute, with an iq of 187 and has been known to talk down an armed unsub in less than an hour without getting harmed every single time?" charlyse sassed back towards her mother, even though she was no longer sure what to call this woman anymore- for she was no longer charlyse's mother

alberta went to open her mouth again to speak but seemed to be tongue-tied which made charlyse and spencer smile. this was one of the many reasons why charlyse was an amazing fbi agent, she was always able to outsmart arse the unsubs that were narcissistic and thought they were the smartest people in the world. and all she had to do was just mention her amazing fbi agent boyfriend, ssa dr spencer reid and then the unsubs usually just shut themselves up after that in utter embarrassment.

however, whilst the rest of the bau watched on in excitement and pride for their two youngest but absolute smartest agents, they soon began to worry when alberta decided to draw her own gun. spencer immediately drew his out of his holster, never wavering as it levelled with charlyse's and alberta's. this was when charlyse challenged her mom as she tried to nitpick the reasons as to why she kidnapped and raped all of those kids that had now been saved by morgan as they then watched on as they watched the fbi agent question her own mother.

"i always knew there was someting about you that gave me a strange feeling, alberta. but, you being a kidnapper and serial rapist was never one of the things i thought you would be. what was the reason? what caused you to start kidnapping and raping young kids when you already had what you described to every single person that encountered you as the family of your dreams?" charlyse was frustrated and it scared everyone for charlyse was one of the most level-headed peopole in the team - her entire bau team knew that her mom, similar to reid, was a sensitive topic and now, it broke their hearts even more as to why charlyse never spoke of her mom

"was it because after you had me, you had been told by doctors all around america that you couldn't have kids ever again? you had wished your whole life that you'd marry the love of your life, have a two-storey house and have six beautiful children that you could show off to everyone as if they were just trophies rather than your actual children who needed their individual type of love, attention and care..." charlyse trailed off as she knew the more heated she got, the more likely she was to start crying but, that was the least of her worries right now

right now, her biggest worry was finding out the core reason as to why her mom wasn't the mom she grew up thinking she was. however, the rest of her team's worry was on charlyse. this was the first time they had ever seen charlyse handle such a personal case in the way she was handling it.

"...despite the strange feeling i had about you, you were still my mom and i still loved you. even after dad filed for a divorce because he could no longer stand being married to a woman who made the conscious decision to kidnap and rape children every single day without the realisation that right above her was her own daughter and husband that just craved some love and attention of their own. i still loved you because you were the reason i am even alive and able to wear these three letters on my jacket every day and protect my country from the inside. i still loved you because, whilst you weren't perfect, you...you were still my mom and you still made it your mission to show up for me in ways you didn't show up for those chidlren that you kidnapped and raped." charlyse never thought she'd get so choked up whilst confronting an unsub, especially when the unsub was her own mother but, she couldn't help it

"knowing that you still had time to show up for me in ways that you didn't for those kids, does tell us a lot that whilst you are most certainly a criminal, you still had some sort of remorse for the crimes you've commited. you so badly wanted to separate the double life you lead that you made sure that if anyone dared to touch me in the wrong way that you'd make sure they were sorry and felt a lifetime of pain because you couldn't believe that someone could do the same things that you were doing to the other kids to me, your own daughter..." the young fbi agent trailed off as she slowly began to lower her gun, alberta doing the same thing, spencer being the only one who kept his gun raised in the air just in case he needed to shoot for whatever reason

"...please, mo...mom, explain to me and to these kids the reason why you thought it was okay to take them away from their own families where they were loved and safe and why you decided to hurt them in ways that you succeeded in preventing from happening to me. tell them why you thought it was okay to traumatise them in ways that they'll never be able to truly escape and recover from, even after they see you thrown in jail for the rest of your life. tell them...look at these teenagers, right in their faces and tell them why you thought it was okay to rob them of their childhood. tell them why you thought it was okay to not let them scream from the tops of their lungs so me or dad could have at least helped them. tell them why you refused to give them the truth when they asked you if you had a husband and a family of your own because they'd never believe that a woman with a family of her own would do this to innocent children..."

addressing alberta as "mom" made charlyse's insides squirm but, she knew she had to do it so she could get through to alberta. otherwise, there was no other way of even stopping her so, charlyse tried as hard as she could in getting into her mom's head and, thankfully, the girl succeeded and she was able to have alberta realise what she had been doing the last twenty-four years.

"...tell...tell them why you betrayed your own family to in return betray and ruin so many others..." charlyse couldn't hold them in any longer, the sobs of anguish were painful for everyone to hear

hearing his girlfriend cry always broke spencer's heart in ways that couldn't be repaired but, nothing broke his heart more than this moment here when he saw his girlfriend cry her eyes out over her mom being the unsub. alberta thought her daughter had finished cutting into her and profiling her but, she shouldn't ever underestimate her daughter and she should've known not to. however, no one was ready to hear the new string of vocabulary that flew out of the young girl as she slid down to her knees sobbing as she finally realised the dirty truth about her mom. as morgan promptly took the teenagers outside of the house to the rest of the bau team so they didn't have to hear charlyse's breakdown.

"...you son of a bitch, i wish i found out sooner that you were this evil, dirty, insecure serial rapist..."

the seconds the words "son of a bitch" left charlyse's mouth, spencer's revolver almost slipped out of his hands because of how shocked he was at hearing this new string of words from his girlfriend. whilst this would usually make the bau giggle and turn into a bunch of twelve-year-old girls and boys, hearing the cracks and vulnerability in charlyse's voice as she spoke those words was what made this situation anything but a laughing matter. they couldn't laugh over the fact that charlyse had been broken down in such a vulnerable state to the point where she's just hit her wall and not able to do or say anything other than every single swear word under the sun. it actually broke their hearts to see the way charlyse had fallen to the floor, slumped over herself as she just let the profanities aimed at her mother spill out of her mouth like vomit.

"...you evil motherfucker!"  

"i wish i killed you rather than letting you life you piece of godforsaken crap!"

"you're an evil, vile, sicko, bitch, arsehole, hoe! i fucking hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you so fucking much!"

charlyse kept on going and going until she could no longer think up any other swear word that gave her the satisfaction she needed towards her criminal mother.  as charlyse lay crumbled on the dirty basement floor of her childhood home, spencer had cocked his gun for it had now been deemed safe for the doctor to place alberta under arrest and walk her out of the house for she was no longer a threat after spencer had previously kicked alberta's gun away with his foot.

"--alberta franklin, you are now under arrest, you have the right to remain silent, anything you say now can be used against you in the court of law. you are being arrested on charges of child kidnapping, rape and child abuse," hearing her boyfriend arrest her mom gave charlyse all the strength she needed in getting herself up off the ground and walk outside of the house, where morgan and the teenagers she had just saved were waiting for her

morgan and the teenagers rushed back inside over to charlyse as they embraced her. the teenagers were ever so grateful that they had been saved and weren't harmed anymore in the process. charlyse nodded her head, her tears no longer present as she explained to the teenagers that it was all in a day's work as an fbi agent.

however, once the case was finally closed, the teenagers finally being reunited with their righteous families and thanked the agents, charlyse specifically over and over again, it was time for the bau to get back to their private jet and fly a few hours back to quantico.  

on the flight home to quantico, it seemed as if charlyse had no recollection of what happened during her mental breakdown when she burst out into an abundance of almost every swear word under the sun. that was, until morgan, who sat opposite reid and franklin, mentioned it.

"never have i heard that many swear words used in that short amount of time..." morgan chuckled softly as his eyes sat wide open with his arms crossed over, small litters of giggles coming from all corners of the plane as charlyse is very obviously confused

"..wait, what happened, morgan?" charlyse questioned in sincere confusion, obviously wanting to block the entire case out of her memory box in her brain (and fair enough, if anyone else in the bau was in the same situation, they would also do the same thing) as morgan smiled lovingly before explaining to the confused agent as to why everyone else giggled at the older agent's comment

"princessa, whilst you were dealing with the unsub, you lost control and you started to word vomit out every single swear word you could think of..." morgan was sensitive in explaining the situation, leaving out the fact that she had sunk to her knees and cried whilst saying said swear words and the giggles stopped as everyone also remained serious as charlyse suddenly started giggling, her eyes widening as she realised what she had done

this obviously confused every single person on the private jet because, just less than an hour ago, charlyse was sobbing on her knees as she word vomited every bad swear word she could think of about her mother basically involuntarily. but, now she was laughing about it?

"...oh, you were serious, morgan?" charlyse's laughter stopped once she realised just how serious morgan was being

but the seriousness didn't last long because once charlyse started giggling again over the image of someone as normally innocent and pure as her swearing, it just made everything hilarious again. this in turn made everyone else start laughing over the fact that they had finally heard their innocent pup swear like none other. spencer, as he laughed wholeheartedly, tried his hardest to articulate how funny the idea of his girlfriend, who was usually so sweet, innocent and the nicest girl ever, to be so rude, sassy and have that many swear words in her vocabulary.

however, it seemed as if spencer lost his ability to speak due to his incessant laughter that was shaking his entire body as his entire body fell foward as he laughed, his entire face lighting up in the process. seeing spencer so giggly and unable to stop, caused derek, jj, emily, charlyse, david as well as aaron (who usually wouldn't laugh at lot) to also all start laughing.

"...i honestly do not remember any of that occurring but, just the thought of me swearing just makes me laugh! i hope the next time i do it, someone films it because i do not want to forget it next time!" charlyse chuckles out as she's the next person to finally get a fully functioning sentence out in the middle of her laughter

"your french is excused!" spencer then blurts out in the middle of nowhere which causes the group to burst out into even more laughter, charlyse almost completely sliding out of her plane seat, spencer catching her before she could fall

"my french is excused?"

"yes! your french is excused!"

 - - - 

this ending was slightly obscure but, i kinda liked it

this was also my first criminal minds chapter instead of just the actor themselves that i ever wrote, if i did get any of the FBI terminology wrong, i do apologise. i am only a criminology uni student, not a professional so, please be nice lol. 

ily xx

word count; 3241

[ericaportfolio]

I've been working on this for a while during my spare time, especially during the chaos of job hunting. But by some miracle, I finished this beautiful character sheet based on the art from the Hello Puppets games with the OC I created if the show did not get canceled, there was no fire, and no possessed murder puppets ever happened. The creation of the character started as a joke, but I decided to see where this would go.

Virginia Ruckus, the famous Archaeologist, Zoologist, and Explorer. Also, the mother of Riley Ruckus. To Riley's dismay, Virginia revealed that she moved into town for a semi-retirement and that Virginia's work is closer to where Riley lives. After Virginia's premiere episode, she became a fan favorite to the point she became a show regular. Like mom like daughter, Virginia and Riley almost look alike. However, Virginia's Orange Hair faded in recent years. Virginia Ruckus does Safari, Hiking, Scouting, and anything that involves the outdoors.

Ironically, the name idea for Virginia was a twist on the name Indiana Jones, and her outfit was a mixture of Uncle Traveling Matt and one of Ms. Frizzle’s outfits. That makes Virginia an explorer doing stuff like archaeology, safari, potentially becoming a scouting leader in the follow-up season, and so much more! This makes the other Handeemen wonder why Riley never talks about her celebrity mother and why they did not connect the dots sooner. I wanted Riley’s family to be full-blown scientists and explorers Riley participated in as a kid. But something happened that made Virginia send Riley into a “normal life” while she explored to provide for her daughter. This results in some 🎵parent issues🎵 for Riley over the years.

Also, to @t1ckity-t0ck, I think your Riley drawings inspired little Riley. Hope you don't mind!

[resurrection-of-soul]

Flashback | PSYCHOBREAK 10

Writer: Akira (日日日)

Characters: Rei, Adonis, Koga

[ For the best viewing experience, please read directly on my blog! ♪ ]

Time: One week later. The day before the battle to subjugate the "vampires," now named "Flashback (tentative title)," as well as the day UNDEAD first met.

Location: The graveyard located at the Hasumi family's temple.

Rei: Ghosts 're great, ain't they? ♪ Ghosts 're great, ain't they? ♪ Forget about workin' or studyin', let's just hold a concert at this here graveyard~ We'll start at noon~ ♪

Adonis: What's wrong, Sakuma-senpai? Are you drunk?

Rei: I ain't old enough t' drink my problems away~ It might be easier if I was, though~ ♪

Adonis: I am not sure what's going on, but you seem to be in an unusually good mood… There's been a gloomy atmosphere around you lately, so this is a bit of a relief.

Rei: Ohhh… Ya actually noticed I've been feelin' down? That's amazin', real impressive. Even though people often claim ta love or respect someone, humans generally don't care enough to pay much attention ta others' affairs or try ta understand 'em.

Adonis: It's simply because I've known you longer than the others have, so I was able to notice the difference sooner.

Rei: So modest. Even my little brother, who's been with me since birth, doesn't bother to try n' figure out how I'm feelin'. Even though I try to get his attention by goin', "Hey, hey, can ya guess what big bro's thinkin' right now?" too.

Adonis: Won't that just make him think you're annoying and cause him to dislike you?

Rei: H-he won't dislike me~! Even the bible states that a younger brother will love his older brother as much as the older brother loves his younger brother!

Adonis: Is that so? Then my opinion was mistaken, and I apologize.

Rei: Adonis-kun, has anyone ever called you a joke killer?

Adonis: Killer…? I try to keep a low profile to avoid such dishonorable nicknames. I am a foreigner. In this country, even if I do not want to stand out, I unavoidably do. It's sad, but I often get stuck with strange labels, and mothers with children often become unusually vigilant around me. That is why I believe I should behave like a good kid who is excessively docile, earnest and harmless.

Rei: Hmmm. It seems you've got such keen eyes, ya end up seein' things ya shouldn't even bother lookin' at. How the hell did I get it into my head that a kid as well-behaved as you was behind the "vampire" attacks? I've kiiinda got this unsettlin' feelin' my thoughts're bein' guided by someone else, n' it's been particularly bad recently. It's like some stranger's forcin' me into the role of a character in their story. It's seriously creepy. Is this just a common thing durin' adolescence? What do ya think, Adonis?

Adonis: I do not know, but… I do agree it seemed out of character for you to suddenly assume I was responsible and condemn me as the culprit. Fortunately, it seems the suspicion has cleared up, but to be honest, it hurt a little. I found myself thinking, "So even Sakuma-senpai doesn't understand me?"

Rei: Ahh, I'm very, very sorry, okay? Ya know I really do love ya, right?

Adonis: It isn't a matter of whether you like or dislike me. It is about perception and understanding.

Koga: …The hell have you guys even been goin' on about? We were supposed ta be practicin' for the showdown against the "vampires" today, but… That — what was it, Hakaze or whatever? — guy ain't no~owhere t' be seen. And just when I'm thinkin to myself, "Finally, Sakuma-senpai's here!" you n' that guy over there, umm…

Adonis: I am Otogari Adonis. I've introduced myself several times, haven't I?

Koga: Right, Adonis…. You n' Adonis just keep talkin' about toootally unrelated bullshit. We seriously gonna be okay like this? Can we really beat the "vampires" at this rate? Though a' course, we're invincible as long as you're here, Sakuma-senpai, but—

Rei: I dunno 'bout that~ I might just betray ya again like I did durin' the "Dead Man's Live," y'know? It's troublesome if ya depend on me too much, cause I'm fundamentally a pre~etty unmotivated kinda guy. If yer worried about it, ya should try n' motivate me, Pup¹~♪

Koga: I dunno if this'll motivate ya, buuut… For that DreFes thing, I was thinkin', if we're gonna be doin' a live then we need at least one song to sing, right? So I tried writin' some myself.

Rei: Oh? That's cool, very band-like ♪ Show me, show me ♪

Koga: I-it's not very well done, so please don't get your hopes up, alright? I just started getting into this hobby a few years ago, and I'm entirely self-taught, so it's all kind of messy—

Rei: Why're ya suddenly speakin' so politely? Cut it out, you're messin' up yer image. Durin' the "Dead Man's Live," ya spoke like you were gonna bite my head off, didn'tcha?

Koga: I was so excited back then… Now we're in a band together, and the closer I get to you, the more you seem larger than life. I-I didn't mean to get all nervous… I'm sorry. If it makes you uncomfortable, I'll go back to aggroing you again soon.

Rei: "I'll go back to aggroing you again soon" sure is a funny lil' phrase. ….Hmhm, mhmm? 'Kay, I've got your song memorized, Pup. Shall we go ahead n' give it a try? ♪~♪~♪

[ ☆ ]

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Rei calls him wan-chan (typically used by Kaoru) rather than the usual wanko here. It means the same thing, but sounds a little more diminutive and cutesy.

[meowww-ffxiv]

After... After everything. After Liios remembered the exact circumstances of his and Ptolemy's violent exile from home, and the patricide and kinslaying Liios committed to make it possible.

Ptolemy gingerly asked him if he was...alright? He knew it was almost inappropriate a word. Never mind that the reason it happened at all was because of Ptolemy himself. Liios made him swear to not be sorry about it, but growing up the way he did would always make a part of Ptolemy know, rather than think, that everything would be far less complicated and easier for his entire clan if he had either succumbed to his disease early or not have been born at all.

Perhaps he should not have asked his older brother. Liios looked at him, stricken, as he always did whenever Ptolemy started feeling the bitterness of that old sentiment claw its way back.

But what Liios said was, "Do you remember when we gained our Echo? Not that we knew what it was at the time."

"Yes," Ptolemy replied.

It had been during a rare starshower. Ptolemy had loved the stars since he was a child, and at that time, bedbound and feeling like death as he was, he had begged Liios to let him see it. And Liios had somehow snuck him, carried him, out of their camp and up a cliff.

Looking back, perhaps the other hunters had let them go in the hopes that this was going to be it. That they would get rid of the weakest link in their survival in a merciful way. But the twins had made it to the cliff and back, and as they sat there on a cold boulder watching that star shower, Ptolemy had heard a voice.

Their first vision of the Echo was shared. They saw each other's lives through each other's eyes, their souls reflected.

Was it more bindings between them or an affirmation? Ptolemy wanted to ask. But Liios said, "I never knew they told you to your face that they hope you would die sooner so as to ease the burden of food and drink on the hunters. Our resources were scant, but not that scant."

The reminder clawed at Ptolemy's heart. More so, the memory of how his own father had said no words of contradiction to the clansmen's sentiment. Or that none dared said any such thing when Liios was anywhere within earshot.

"What good would it have done to tell you?" Ptolemy said. "You had quite the temper back then. Especially when it comes to me."

"I was the only one who had any sort of concern for you," Liios said. "Father doted on you, they said. And I suppose he did, for a time. But he caved to others' complaints. I know why they complained, but still. They stood aside and watched their own siblings be thrown to the river when they were deemed too sick to be of use to the tribe and hated me for resisting the same cruelty to my own. But that's not your problem, nor mine."

"Most of us didn't have a choice," Ptolemy heard himself say.

"We always had a choice, even when others prevent us from making it," Liios replied. "When we were ten, the chieftain-- our mother, was already thinking about it. At the very least, she said, your soul might nourish the clan's protectors. She gave me a whole solemn speech about it and everything. I ran to Father and begged him, and he begged her. It was why he took us from the village even before he knew we were boys. We were fortunate in that. But why must it have been fortune and the charity of our father, which dwindled away to nothing, that allowed you to survive?"

And then Ptolemy understood that though the shock of killing their father caused Liios to lose his memories of the event and haunted him until very recently, it was also their father that Liios hated the most.

Over something both of them probably knew was unfair. If their father had chosen Ptolemy, why did he not keep choosing him? Because once he ceased to, it revealed itself to be a sunk cost fallacy all this time.

Did Liios care? No. Ptolemy saw it in his brother's eyes, unspoken. No one is as insane about this as you are, Ptolemy thought. No one is as insistent or devoted as you are about me. Even I told you--

"I know," Liios said. "I know. I made quite a mess of everything. I'm sorry."

"If you are sorry, where will that leave me?" Ptolemy replied.

"At the doorstep of the world, free to go where you wish. Free to live, to want, to love, without wretches in your ear telling you that you were this or that or a waste of anything," Liios answered instantly. "Free to choose your own fate, with the strength to make demands and have them be met, to speak and be heard. To not have to beg your brother for what we both thought might be a last wish, to make as many wishes as you want upon as many stars as you want."

This was what Liios had bought with his blood price and the lives of their clan, he did not say. There was a cold, almost heartless certainty to his voice and his face. They told him this would be the price if he committed to the course, and he made it. So their blood painted the snow.

But the moment passed. Liios closed his eyes. Tired. "You, who are my everything. My brother. Greater to me than any pride or joy," he said. "Tell me this, and tell me true. Had your journey been good? Had it been worthwhile?"

[raging-violets]

⚡️The Flash and the Flame Series 🔥 : Flash Fire • Crossfire • Fuel to the Fire • Friction • Burn

Chapter Forty

Brady turned from the stove and furrowed his brows. “I mean, it’s not like everything’s supposed to stay the same, right?” He asked. “I know time travel is a thing and I know Barry tends to mess things up with time, but it’s not like we can change the current time without changing the past.” He shrugged. “The future, maybe. But we can’t change right now.”

Shaking her head, Cadence gazed at Brady. “How did you get to be so smart?”

At that, Brady shrugged. “You’re the daughter of Harrison Wells and Tess Morgan. And you’re engaged to one of the nerdiest people I’ve ever met, something was bound to rub off on me.” He smiled when she laughed. “Can’t say that Ryder has done much for me,” he added under his breath.

There was a long moment of silence. Brady took that time to get out from beneath his mother’s gaze and turned his attention back to the spaghetti cooking on the stove. He finished cooking the sauce and noodles and started to plate the food. He could feel his mother’s gaze burning a hole through him—to the point that he had to stop and check to see if she was doing so.

“Since when do you call him Ryder?”

“What do you mean?”

It was an innocent question, but he knew exactly what she was getting at. So much so that he didn’t have to lift his gaze to know she what expression was on her face. It was one that only parents seemed to perfect; where they already knew the answer and was simply waiting for the truth.

“I mean, since you started calling him ‘dad’ that’s all you called him. And that was two years ago. But recently you’ve stated calling him Ryder again.”

“Um.” Brady pursed his lips and looked his mother in the eye. “It’s not like he wants me around. He doesn’t do anything with me when he has me.”

Cadence shook her head. “Ryder loves you.”

“I know. Because he’s my dad. But…” Brady slowly shook his head. His heart rate increased, maybe a warning of saying what he’d been feeling for a long time. Or maybe fear, not knowing how to take the words back once they were out there. “He’s not my dad. When I’m with him he’s always busy with work and I’m bored. That’s…kind of why we went out that night, to stop Black Bison. Ryder wasn’t paying attention to us anyway and…I think he’s scared of me.”

A hurt expression came across Cadence’s face. Not hurt from his words, not from any guilt she was putting on her own shoulders, he could tell. He recognized that look of hurt. This was a look of hurt of not noticing the split between them sooner and addressing it. (And something else, but she was able to keep that away from him).

Emotion suddenly swirled through Brady, and he dropped onto his stool, staring at the ribbons of steam that lifted and swirled trough the air while the plates cooled. “I didn’t mean to break his leg! I couldn’t control it! Something happened with my powers, and I couldn’t stop it! He’s scared of me, I can tell!”

“This isn’t your fault, bud. It’s mine, too.”

At her words, Brady looked up.

“I focused more on you having him back in your life because he’s your dad. I didn’t really put much thought into how you felt about it or how things would go moving forward…” Cadence ran a hand through her hair, sighing heavily. “Your dad and I…we never really talked about you and me being metas. I thought he was okay with it, but it’s clear he’s not. He’s seen all of the things we’ve had to deal with as metas, he was there when we were trying to stop Zoom. He’s a human who got a good look into this world and it’s not for him. And I shouldn’t have tried to push it on him, or his relationship on you.”

“That’s not your fault, mom.”

“No. But us thinking that we could have the life we wanted before is.” Cadence reached out and grasped Brady’s hand in hers, squeezed it tightly. He smiled at the warmth from her hand, the warmth that had been ever present, even when he was an infant. “That’s not the life we have anymore. I can’t keep pretending I’m sixteen years old and I’m having a baby with my boyfriend. We live two different lives now and we need to accept it.” She drew her hand back to her lap. “It’s your choice whether or not you want to continue to see him, but after what happened with our bachelor and bachelorette parties…it’s clear that Ryder can’t be the dad to you that we wanted.”

“Barry’s been more of a dad to me than he’s been anyway, so…” Brady’s expression became pensive. He chewed his lower lip, pressing his hands to the side of the counter. He leaned against his hands, rocking back and forth a few times. He could see his mother patiently waiting for him to ask the words that weren’t coming to him as quickly as he’d wanted. “Um…do…do you think Barry, um, do you think Barry would mind if I called him ‘dad’?”

Tag List: @foxesandmagic  @witchofinterest @hogwarts-is-my-wonderland  @darknightfrombeyond @saiilorstars  @arrthurpendragon @andromedalestrange @ocappreciationtag  @arrowverseocs  @the-witching-ash

[alias-sam]

Pierced by a Golden Soul

Chapter 7. Getting Patched Up

Platonic Jojo's x Reader

Summary: Fate is a bizarre concept with countless more bizarre implications. In life sometimes such extraordinary events happen that the only reasoning left must be fate. The tragedies that constantly befall the Joestar bloodline for example may be the unluckiest series of cards drawn in human history, or perhaps the work of a greater power. There is no way to tell for sure. Had Dio Brando or Jonathan Joestar moved slightly on a divergent path the world itself would be left very different. The fate or luck of the noble Joestar bloodline has led to destruction of evil likes of the Pillar Men and DIO. This story is of a similar caliber to that of the other Joestars (as I am sure you are familiar with them). This is a story of lost souls, compassion, hope, and above all fate.

Word Count: 2,492

(Crosspost from Wattpad, full fic is already posted there.)

You sat down and explained your experience from the night before, in as much detail as you possible could.

"I see..." Jotaro looked to be deep in thought. You awkwardly sat in silence, feeling pretty useless for not being able to identify the stand user in any way. "Y/n, this may seem like an odd thing to ask but, how did you get your stand?" Jotaro stared you, intent on getting an answer.

"I think I always sort of had it..." You trailed off. Was it as a kid? You couldn't remember exactly when it first manifested. "I never really used it until recently." You felt guilty about not investigating your stand's ability sooner, if you had, you might actually be able to do something helpful.

"Do your parents have stands or any other strange abilities?"

"Well..." you avoided Jotaro's eye contact, shifting in your seat. "My mother disappeared when I was little. I think when I was five or so? My father is a complete mystery. If either of them were stand users there isn't any way I would know."

Jotaro leaned back into his chair, seeming to be contemplating something.

"I have someone I think you should meet. He's a stand user like us and he may even be able to shine a light on your stand's ability."

"Meet?" You looked at Jotaro skeptically. "Like right now?"

"If it isn't any trouble."

"Actually, I feel like you need to explain a yourself better. No offense but I don't really know you. Yeah, you helped out yesterday, and I'm lucky as hell that you did, but other than that you're just some guy I met. For all I know you could be a kidnapper or something." The stand situation was a developing problem, and being new to such an environment made you vulnerable. You had made several mistakes already, you needed to be careful. Jotaro sighed. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept in a while. He slowly got up from the teacher's desk and made it so he was standing right in front of you.

"Your concern is warranted, but there have now been two violent stand users in the vicinity of your home. We need to find out what they're doing and why." Jotaro looked at you, almost pleadingly. "You seem to be at the center of this stand activity which as you've seen, can get dangerous."

"I-...." You trailed off. What real choice did you have? These stand users knew where you, and more importantly, where your mother lived. If you tried facing them on your own it definitely wouldn't end well. You were weary of Jotaro, but there was something about him that made you want to trust him. "I guess you're right." You relented.

"We don't have to see him right this second if you don't want to."

"I'll think about it. I need some time to process all that's happened. Just a few days ago my life was so... normal." You tiredly ran a hand down your arm, flinching slightly when you accidentally disturbed some of your many cuts and bruises.

"I understand." Jotaro nodded. "Do you still have that business card I gave you?"

"Yeah."

"Just give me a call when you have some free time." Jotaro stood up and started leaving the room.

"Wait...where are you going!?" You yelled after him.

"I'm going home." He said. "You coming?"

"H-hang on! Won't I get in trouble for leaving detention early?"

"You'll still be under my supervision for now. Plus, I'v never really given a damn about what teachers think." You were in disbelief at how flippant this guy could be, but you followed Jotaro out of the school nonet he less.

....................................................................................................

"If you don't mind me asking, what brings you to this area?" You were genuinely curious what would prompt someone like Jotaro to visit your small town.

"The man I mentioned earlier, he's had some health problems as of late. He used to live in New York but decided to move down here for the warmer weather. Im here helping him settle in with his wife. While researching this town I heard about the odd fishing situation, decided to check it out."

"Health problems? Are you sure this guy can help me?"

"Don't let his current state fool you. He's just as spritely as ever."

You ducked behind Jotaro when the two of you passed your house, "What's your problem? Aren't you going home?"

"I'm meeting up with someone first. I don't know what I'd say to Senora Jones if she saw me." Jotaro shrugged and proceeded up the road towards an apartment building. "Hang on." You looked at the address Jaya wrote on your hand this morning. The address was the same as the building Jotaro was heading into. "That's lucky I guess." You mumbled.

You and Jotaro parted ways when you reached Jaya's floor. Hesitantly, you knocked on the door. It took only a second for Jaya to answer it.

"Y/n?" She looked surprised. "You're a little early..." Jaya looked at a wall clock in her kitchen. "W-wait. Aren't you supposed to still be in detention?!"

"Yep." You mumbled without really thinking.

"What?"

"Uh-! No. The teacher let me leave early."  That wasn't a complete lie.

"I worry that you're real trouble sometimes." Jaya said before motioning for you to come inside. "C'mon. Let's see to those injuries." You followed Jaya into her living room, admiring the rather ornate furnishings. You noticed something odd though, it was deathly quiet. One thing you had expected when you came over was that Jaya's home would be as loud and happy as her. Yes, her apartment was nice, but there wasn't a soul in sight. As if she could hear your question Jaya spoke up, "My dad is at work. He won't be back until tomorrow morning, so we've got the whole place to ourselves."

"I see. I hope its no trouble that I'm coming over." You cluelessly followed Jaya as she waltzed into the kitchen. She grabbed a bowl of ramen she must've been eating before you showed up.

"Absolutely not! I invited you remember?" She hastily chewed the last of what you assumed was her dinner and threw the bowl haphazardly into the sink. Just about everything in the kitchen was spotless with the exception of her overflowing sink. There was also a familiar unopened box sitting on the counter. The cupcakes she had bought at the beginning of the week had gone untouched. "Just take a seat anywhere. I'm going to grab some things to treat those cuts." Jaya slipped into a nearby hallway.

You were about to do as Jaya asked when some pictures on the wall caught your attention. Curious, you found yourself looking at one specific photo. Jaya was standing in front of the famous Roman Coliseum with two men. She was smiling brighter than anyone you had ever seen. One of the men seemed to be her father, he looked young, but burnt out. You noted that Jaya bared little resemblance to the man. He was tall, with dark hair and striking green eyes.

What you found odd was the other person in the photo. You remembered Jaya mentioning she had a brother...was this him? She hadn't said much about him. He was tall like his father, with long platinum blonde hair like Jaya's and the same striking green eyes as his father.

"What are you looking at?" Jaya had unintentionally snuck up behind you. She looked over your shoulder at the photo. You didn't miss the saddened expression that flashed across her features.

"This is a family photo, right?"

"That's my older brother, Julius. And the other guy is my dad." She smiled, albeit it seemed a bit forced. "That picture was taken when we lived in Italy."

"This may be a touchy subject but... is he?" You pointed at Jaya's brother.

"He's... alive but, he was in an accident recently." Jaya sighed deeply. "He should be alright in a matter of days or weeks. Things just haven't been the same without him around." Jaya looked defeated and tired, her positive and boisterous social butterfly front coming down for a moment. You wanted to comfort her, but didn't know what to say. "I've been trying not to think about it." You placed a comforting hand oh Jaya's shoulder.

"I'd be happy to help keep your mind off of it for awhile. If you want to that is." A small but genuine smile crossed Jaya's lips.

"Yeah. I'd appreciate that."

........................

Jaya had you sit at her kitchen table while she carefully unwrapped your arm. An odd tingly feeling settled beneath your skin in every place her hands touched. You were trying to figure out if you were imagining it, but your questioning thought was interrupted.

"So, are you going to tell me how this actually happened or....?"

"It's..." you winced as Jaya dabbed some antiseptic on your hand where the bullet wound was, along with a few cuts from the shattered glass. "It's complicated."

"Well then it's a good thing I'm very understanding." Jaya re-wrapped your hand carefully with what looked like practiced precision.

"I.....don't think you'd believe me."

"Okay.... Was it a fight?"

"Technically, yes."

"Technically?"

"Like I said. It's complicated." You looked down at your newly bandaged hand, wiggling your fingers around a little bit. There was oddly enough no pain, honestly it felt like there were not cuts at all. Jaya asked you to take off your jacket so she could reach your upper and fore arm where you knew Metal Health had sliced you. You awkwardly set aside the jacket only to realize you were still wearing a long sleeve shirt.

"You don't want me to-?"

"Yep."

Hesitant, you took your shirt off. You felt extremely exposed as Jaya examined your wounds. She was about to start unwrapping the bandages you had put on yourself when she suddenly stopped.

"Is this a tattoo or something?"

"What?" You asked. She pointed at the area between the nape of your neck and your shoulder. "Oh that? It's just a birthmark. Nothing special." Your hand shot up to cover the area.

"Perfectly shaped like a star?" Jaya asked skeptically.

"People are born all the time with little heart shapes, and puzzle pieces. Heck, I know someone with a birthmark shaped like a little seahorse. What's so weird about a star?" You asked defensively.

"I don't know... It just seems like it would be an omen or something!" Jaya said, starting to fuss with your bandages again. "I've heard that birthmarks are supposed to show how you died in a past life."

"Are you insinuating I was... murdered by a starfish?"

"N-no!" Jaya laughed. "I just thought it was interesting, that's all."

Jaya's light demeanor quickly shifted to something more serious when she started messing with the bandages on your arm.

"Could you close your eyes for a sec? Ya'know, while I unwrap this? It looks painful."

"I'm not squeamish about blood." You responded flatly.

"Maybe, but you're my patient and I'm asking you to look away for a minute."

"Okay, fine. Whatever you say doc." You leaned back, closing your eyes as Jaya asked. The same tingling from earlier started happening again, but more prominently than before. This time you knew it wasn't your imagination.

Jaya started pulling out a bandage to cover your arm but out of curiosity you wrenched out of her grasp.

"What the-?" You looked down in amazement. All of the paper and glass cuts were gone, also, while not completely healed, the wound from Metal Health looked significantly better. What was once a gaping cut was now just a long scar. Jaya looked nothing short of mortified. "How did-?"

"It's.... complicated?" Jaya said, smiling nervously.

"Don't you DARE use that lame excuse on me!" You looked over your healed wounds curiously. Did Jaya have a stand or something? That was the only explanation you had.

"How about this: I'll explain how I healed you, if and only if you explain how, you got those wounds." Jaya proposed.

"Sounds fair." You motioned for Jaya to continue. No way in hell were you going first. She fidgeted a moment while trying to assemble the right words for a good explanation.

"Have you ever heard of hamon?" You shook your head. "It's a breathing technique that my family has cultivated for generations. It helps to channel life energy into objects or people. My maternal grandmother Elena Zeppeli taught it to my father when he married my mother. Its original purpose was to help destroy zombies and vampires but it also has healing capabilities. My dad works as an ER doctor and uses hamon from time to time. I want to do the same so he's taught me a thing or two.

"Hang on- zombies? Vampires? Those are real?" You were convinced Jaya was messing with you but she nodded her head very seriously.

"I haven't seen any myself since they're pretty much extinct now, but they were definitely real at one point."

"Suddenly I think my situation isn't so weird." You groaned, slowly thinking over what Jaya had just thrown at you. The girl leaned back in her chair, looking at you expectantly.

"Alright cough it up. What kind of trouble have you been getting into?"

"I have a stand." You said bluntly, not really caring if the statement made sense. At this point, you might as well let her get the confusion out of her system, even if you gave an explanation, it was going to sound bizarre.

"A what now?" Jaya raised an eyebrow.

"It's a physical manifestation of the soul, it's a lot like a ghost. I've had it as long as I can remember, but didn't have any reason to use it until recently. Different people have different stands, each one has its own special ability"

"Can you show me?" Jaya asked, seeming to be taking the news rather well.

"That's where this gets complicated...here." you summoned your stand. "It's standing right next to me right now." Jaya looked around and then back at you.

"I don't see anything." She said flatly.

"Only stand users can see stands. Like I said, they're pretty much ghosts. It can interact with objects but it can only be touched by other stands." You had your stand pick up the medical kit Jaya had been using earlier. The girl watched with wide eyes as the object seemingly floated around before being put back on the table. "I've been getting attacked by other stand users. My odd injuries came from their different abilities." You looked at Jaya, she didn't seem to be grappling with the story.

"Does it have like- a name or something?" She asked.

"The few other stands I've interacted with have had names. I haven't decided on one yet. Haven't really had the time."

"What does it look like?" Jaya asked.

"It's gold."

"Hmmm. Gold... and a manifestation of your soul.... How about Golden Soul?" Jaya watched as you slowly raised an incredulous eyebrow at her. "Hear me out! It's a simple name with no deeper meaning, but you have to admit: it's got a nice ring to it." She smiled cheekily

You glanced at your stand, looking for some sort of confirmation on weather it liked the name or not. Your stand looked at you and nodded.

"Golden Soul it is."

[frogsandfries]

Got my dander back up about this

I was reminded, today, about my nieces and that got me to thinking about how one of them apparently sleeps with her grandfather, in his room, in his bed, apparently every night.

But I'm the fucking predator because I dated a predator and turned them in as soon as I safely could, and assisted in their detainment.

My sister's drugged out excuse for a husband texts me how he knows I told my sister things I wanted to do to his daughters. 🙄😬🤬 First, it was a video conversation. I highly doubt my sister recorded it. Second, even if she had, I love how she left out the part where I told my ex, don't you dare think about thinking about my nieces.

But I'm the fucking predator.

I was thinking about having those girls in this house, how the damage is already done. They're most likely to not like me, not trust me and not want to be around me, because their first impression of me was screaming at their mother.....

The problem is, if she was genuinely, truly scared of her girls continuing to be exposed to all that shit, some weak bullshit like access to the wifi at two in the goddamn morning would've been something we could talk about more later. And furthermore, if she truly believed that I'm a child predator, again, why would she bring her kids here?

Which, either she's got it in her head that I am, or she likes to throw it at me because she knows how much it pisses me off. And of fucking course she would deliberately pretend, if I ever had told her, that I had never told her, I handed a predator to the law, or act like I did it to like, cover my ass or some delusional bullshit.

But anyway no, she acted like we were fucking trying to take her hostage. She still had data on her phone. If she really wanted to wuss out that fast, her piece of shit excuse for a husband still could've messaged her.

I don't fucking get it. I guess that's what gets in my craw. It's completely fucking juvenile and irrational. I don't understand acting scared of him doing illicit drugs and passing the fuck out and you took pictures--I shared them with other people, just in case. And then running right the fuck back to him?? Putting your daughters back in a situation where sooner or later, they're going to catch their piece of shit excuse for a father doing drugs; putting them in a situation where one of them sleeps with their grandfather, and somehow you've convinced yourself that even though this behavior started after his wife died, this is perfectly fucking normal??

I want to scream. I want to be sick.

It's one thing to verbally abuse and/or neglect your own child yourself, after how we grew up. It's completely another thing to do that PLUS add new traumas and abuse. It's fucking deplorable.

And we waited years to intervene or intercede because they live in a different state. The first option for foster care is to put them with family in that state. The second option is strangers.

I'm pretty sure I never told her about my intrusive thoughts, but I'm really glad she understood the keyword "intrusive". That's the closest thing I can possibly imagine; maybe I did tell her, and maybe she just....idk y'know, just jumbled up the optimal parts of the information and made up whatever the fuck narrative she felt like. She's always done that.

I didn't know what it was until relatively recently, but I've always described it as being terrifying, because it was. Whenever I tell people, I usually mention, I genuinely thought my intrusive thoughts meant I should be sterilized, that I should never have children.

However, it hasn't really been a thing in ages. Especially in my later twenties, I realized my time spent around children is mostly just enjoying whatever life stage they're in, and worrying how I'll fuck them up if I swoop in a take that thing that is not a toy away and how fast I can replace it with an actual, proper toy.

Now if she knows about that, I'm glad she's going medieval peasant levels of ignorance on my OCD. /s

I dunno which bothers me more: "How the fuck did a three person game of telephone get so monumentally fucked?" or "Why waste the time of everyone involved to drive up here only to lose your shit over the wifi? How is being without wifi over fucking night more scary than your drug addled piece of shit husband???"

[ylkcheeeks]

I am trying to remember everything I can in crisper detail, enhance the image, but not letting the mimographic nature of pouring over memories and photos distort you.

I’m so fucking scared I will not remember you accurately. I had already lost details of our last conversation when I got the news…for a brief terrible second it could have been something impactful but ultimately silly. But I should have known, because real big news, you would be the one calling me. Nobody else in that house talked to me and we couldn’t be on the phone for less than an hour. I groused about it approaching two but I was half the conversation…I had lost them and I lost you and I became acutely aware of not fully retaining the last things we said because I wanted to eat before the takeout got cold. You were cooking and trying to ring off too, but somehow we both got stuck in the hanging up crosstalk, I said I’d talk to you soon.

Well here I am and you are not.

I have a message from you from last summer, and no voicemails more recent than that. Didn’t get a picture together the last time we were together. Saw what’s left of you and you would have hated how much you looked like your aunt, and your hands were so small and spotted and cold. We both run cold, styles united in summer layering for AC protection. I don’t want to think of you like that, in a hospital gown even though you were gone before anyone was called, and I can guess the reasons why but don’t want to type them.

I’m so sorry I didn’t try harder, sooner. I’m so sorry you had to experience whatever happened, and that I may never know. I hope that you didn’t feel pain, that if you had to go this way it was gentle, as much as being ripped from the world too soon could be gentle. I should have been there, should have been holding your hand, and it should be twenty years out yet- your mother had 28 more and she was downright cantankerous. I was just at the edge of something with you, some new adult relationship less in the shadow of what came before, and now all of it is washed out from the blinding backlighting of what’s happening now.

I’m making a playlist of every song that gets stuck in my head about you. About me about you. I ordered pocket tissues in bulk, which I think you would praise as sensible.

I told you my news and tried- badly- to explain what made it unique. I think I started telling you about the callback and my clever line but I don’t think I quite finished that story. I must have said I love you when I hung up because I always do, but I don’t remember it. I don’t remember what it felt like the last time we hugged.

I remember the half second of your cold hand, how it felt wrong somehow to refuse to treat you with gentleness, yet I couldn’t bear to touch the thing that had been you.

It certified the reality of it all, the shitty office lighting, the form that I could “just sign now,” and the vowel-chewing platitudes.

I want to vent and get advice and hear about your latest project to distract me from what’s stressful but it’s just impossible now. And I hate how every sentence I type feels hack-y, too small to contain the thought.

I’m so worried. For myself included, and you would remember why.

I should have been allowed to be with you. You should be here but if you had to go. If you had to and I really don’t think you did and I could spit nails about it.

I wish I had been slower at saying goodbye, damn the food, we have a microwave.

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

As long as I'm living

my Mommy you'll be

[cat-eared-rose]

This post is gonna be talking about some heavier stuff, so please be advised!

cw for: abuse, mental health, and trauma

I've been spending a lot of time recently taking a closer look at myself and my past, and it's definitely been a bit of an eye opener.

This started because I recently stopped talking to my parents, completely. A very uncomfortable phone call about me being trans and very minimal celebration (if you can even consider it a celebration) of me getting married (I got two "congratulations?" And then my mom just made it about herself, asking why she wasn't told sooner 😞) was really the last straw for me. I yelled at my dad, telling him I wasn't going to have this conversation with him, and blocked both their numbers.

It was a really scary thing to do, because it's difficult for me to imagine my life without my parents. Not that I enjoyed their presence, or that they were doing anything significant for me right now, but it's just scary to think that could be it. Like, I feel it's my responsibility to talk to them, and keep in touch, but I know it's best for me not to reach out again, considering how they make me feel.

After a few days of being nervous my parents would show up at my doorstep because I had the audacity to not talk to them, I started researching a bit more about child abuse. I definitely knew my childhood wasn't great, but I needed a little extra reassurance to help me stand by my decision.

I started looking into things like verbal and emotional abuse, narcissistic family structures (I'm almost certain my mother is a narcissist), and what sorts of things can stem from that.

I ended up learning that I was abused in ways that I never even really recognized, nor cared to remember.

My mother is definitely a narcissist since a majority of what she complains about with me is that I make her look bad to other people. She used to force me to get good grades in school (Mostly As and some Bs, Cs weren't ever enough) and I'd get spanked if I didn't do s good job. And when I did, I'd basically get "that's what you're supposed to do. You want celebration for doing what you're supposed to? Fuck off", and a ton of other shit like that which really made me realize that a lot of the praise i got from my parents was just shit they wanted me to do, and even then it felt pretty superficial....

My mom also used to hit me a lot: spanking me, slapping me, she used to hug me, and then either dig her nails into my ribs or squeeze my back very sharply like she was trying to snap me in half. I was super scared and uncomfortable with personal contact for a LONG while because of this, and I'm still a little edgy about it at times.

My dad wasn't as bad as my mom, at least from what I thought, but I also realized from reading that he's actually just as bad (if not worse) because he would enable my mom's terrible behavior. When I used to go to him and say my mom said something mean to me, or hurt me in some way, he would tell me I was overreacting and that "she's just joking with you, bud", and I never really received help...

When I was 16, my mom told me my life was worthless, and by then, I was so numb I didn't even really care.

After realizing that a lot of things were worse than I remembered (way more, but I'm not going to recount my ENTIRE life story lol), I started looking at what kinds of issues people going through this sort of thing can run into, and figured out that I had PTSD because of a lot of the trauma I'd gone through.

This came to a head when about a day later, I remembered that I was afraid of the dark because when I used to sneak food at night (because I was hungry, and never ate breakfast due to stomach issues), my mom would stand in the dark waiting for me to pass her room and grab me to scare me. Then shed yell at me, tell me I'm being too loud and waking everyone up,.and make me out the food back and go to sleep. It makes more sense, in retrospect, that whenever I imagined something scary in the dark, it was a woman with long, dark hair (how my mom looks)

Remembering this gave me a really intense flashback, and I had to take the next day off of work because I just didn't get a good rest that night....

I never really felt any positive emotions for a long time, and I just thought it was how I was, but after receiving a lot of support and love from all my partners, I actually started feeling happy, and excited for things, and realized that the reason I didn't feel those emotions was because of the PTSD

My parents of fucked me up so God damn much, and I'm remembering more shit all the time. I'm honestly more upset I didn't make this decision sooner, but I don't blame myself. My years of trauma made me think that I was destined to fail, and that i was going to have to go back to my parents. But I know how the best thing for me to do is just to cut them out completely and pick up the pieces left behind.

I also never realized that not remembering, basically any of your childhood, is not a normal thing and that these memories are instead most likely repressed in a section of my brain I don't really access due to the harsh events associated with them. Hopefully soon, I'll be able to work through a lot of this, and maybe reclaim some of my childhood by regaining those memories.

It's one more step forward on the path of self understanding and recovery, and although it's been quite difficult for me to think of and process all of this, I can already feel that I'm getting better, even after a few days of recognizing this (I'm not as scared of the dark anymore knowing my mom isn't waiting there to get me, so that's a plus :3)

Just wanted to talk about it, so if you read all this, thank you for listening 💖

[tenebriism]

It's fine... this is fine. He has faced far worse than a silly little celebration full of rainbows and gods only knew what else. If not now -- if not with someone he had come to TRUST -- then when? Or is he fated to merely accept whatever stiff, traditional plans his family was surely sorting out, further and further as the days pass? Nay, NONE of this is common, none of this is ACCEPTED and likely would never be... but such did not mean he needn't to conform to it forever.

" Your understanding is appreciated, " he mumbles, still awkwardly stood in place, but allowing his fingers to, at the very least, flex whilst they dried, " Not that your work is not to be admired; you have done a fine job. " Perhaps the large, statue of a man wasn't the BEST model to test one's nail painting skills out on, but even he cannot deny that it looked rather nice. Mayhap he would have Rothalion continue to paint his nails on future occasions--- black, of course, or CLEAR in order to play it safe when the inevitable political obligations rolled around.

The topic of his family's unbudging commitment to one of the OLDEST traditions in the book sours Zenos' own mood, as it was oft to do, but not nearly as visibly as Rothalion's. The young Galvus cannot fathom why it would--- mayhap out of PITY for the son of a politician who would eventually be expected to marry out of obligation rather than love.

" It is simply how things are, " Zenos speaks, blunt and unwavering as always, " And should it come to that --- no, WHEN it comes to that, and I am offered to another for marriage -- it is not as if I will be able to change it. I may as well take advantage of what freedom I have while I still have it. " His job at the Renaissance Faire was just the start of it, and for his father to agree to even THAT, he'd needed a good reason. It wasn't as if it paid all that well, nor did Zenos NEED the money, even if it did.

It was good training. Good exposure. A chance at additional education he would otherwise not receive at the private or ivy league institutions his family had built notable rapport with. Besides, the politician's son? Out with the COMMONERS? It would make the family look good without his father needing to put in the work himself.

The LAST thing Varis yae Galvus wished to do was mingle with those he considered ' beneath him. '

Their gazes meet once more, and Zenos listens. Rothalion is the only lifeline and comfort he has throughout all this, and so his experiences and advice are valuable. Beyond that, the blond IS quite interested in learning how Rothalion had slid his own pieces into place and come to figure himself out. " ... early, you say? I... envy you. " And Zenos is not one to envy many, if anyone. He actually believes Rothalion to be the first.

" ... I did not have peers with whom to figure any of this out, or guidance. Were I to attempt to explain the moment my suspicions were cemented, you would likely laugh, so I will not. " There had been SIGNS, of course. His eyes would oft and sooner linger on the form of a MAN rather than a WOMAN, and APPRECIATE that form, as well. Such is not to say women were not beautiful -- his mother, in particular, had been known for her goddess-like looks, and the one picture he still had of her was hardly testament enough to that. She was, simply put, ethereal, as many a woman tended to be, but... to gaze upon them did not stir within him the same DESIRE. Even still, despite those very signs, it wasn't until RECENTLY that he really, truly began to realize he may not fit the ' yae Galvus mold ' anymore.

" Regardless, I know I do not fall amongst the... untainted, as my father would put it. What exactly that means, I suppose I will find my answer in due time... perhaps this evening. " He gives another look at his nails, still daring not move beyond that; no turning back now. " I am ready when you are. "

Rothalion clicks his tongue and gives an apologetic nod.

"Yeah, unfortunately that's where we're at. There are items out there that are used to dry nails far quicker but I've not the budget for such things, and I don't paint my nails enough to sacrifice the funds to either," he said, a hand lifting as if to accentuate his words.

Zenos looks at his nails and Rothalion takes a moment to smile softly, sitting just a little straighter. He wasn't certain if he even liked them, but he didn't look unhappy about it at least. That was a win, right?

"I can tell that bright colours are not common with your family, but no worries. We'll strip the paint after the festival. We can also remove the other rainbows before you head home," he added, nodding. He understood. He understood very well what it was like to be caught in a way that one's parents did not approve, and no matter their age it was never better. He would not allow Zenos to go through that.

Rothalion cannot help but muffle a little chuckle with his hand as Zenos stood in place, frozen like a statue with fingers splayed.

He reached out to pluck the red vial from the side, beginning the process of painting his own nails. In between he would pause to blow lightly upon the nail, hoping to dry it enough that he can paint the second hand without taking an astronomical amount of time. Eyes flick up on occasion to look at company.

"Ah, I think to overload you with that information may be a bit much but I would be glad to point out those that are nearest to us - as well as any you wish to know about," he said. Suddenly, the brush freezes in his hand. His brows slowly furrow, a frown tugging at his lips for the first time in... a while. Certainly the first time Zenos may have seen so far. Eyes flick away, one brush traded for another as an excuse to focus his gaze elsewhere.

"... I did not think people did that anymore," he said, voice lower and far more restrained. He didn't like it either, most would register the distaste in the tension of his body, in the lowered volume of his voice and his inability to look up at him. At least... Zenos didn't like it either. He breathes a soft sigh, leaning back in his chair to finally look at Zenos again.

"I'm certain there are numerous reasons to not like it, I know I don't - wouldn't. Is an aspect of this distaste also to do with a lack of attraction to the opposite sex?" he asked, distracting himself by shifting around the bottles of polish. "See, I learned early that I did not feel anything towards women. My peers, come a particular age, would speak often on their attraction to girls and I did not understand it. Turns out, I only like men like that. I use the rainbow flag to show that I identify as gay, but it is also the basic flag used by anyone who is either not entirely sure or just don't want to get into specifics. It can get very complicated, but my identity in particular is not. I think the flags can cause some confusion for people new to the community, but we all learn in time. I'm sure you'll be fine."

[rowenabean]

back on my bullshit (some things that people feel like they have to Just Cope With are actually treatable, go talk to your doctor about things that are a problem)