#my mom and i both want to so badly
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If I had a nickel for every Turner matriarch who—despite being desperately unhinged due to Trauma—believes herself the sanest person in the room while also being just awful to her spouse, I’d have two nickels. Which. Isn’t a lot, but Lauren Ambrose is personally present to facilitate both transactions.
#yellowjackets#servant#taissa and dorothy having the same last name and both wanting to be Perfect and Excellent Moms#while also disassociating so badly that they wreck their families#AND Lauren Ambrose being in the center of the diagram as both Turner and love interest#peak comedy#although if Van ever met Dorothy I don’t even think she’d talk to her#I think it would just be hands in the air and baaaacking away slowly#‘tai I can handle. whatever you’ve got goin on is a whoooole other pack of pokemon cards my dude’
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guy trapped in a hell of his own creation: haha ive never done anything wrong in my entire life. and im always right:] anyway. why did my little brother move out:(
its so funny to me that at first glance tashi seems like hed be the most 'normal' out of all the clones but at least all the others are slowly healing n shit while hes just getting more and more insane each day and one day hell snap and explode and maim someone
#my art#my funky guys#HES SO FUCKING STUPID.#tashi im sorry ily but youre literally the dumbes fucking motherfucker ive ever seen. and a cringe loser. never change king<3#like. this guy realised he was a clone when he was a month old and decided to base his new personality entirely#on the idealised version of the original he made up in his head.#like he did this to himself!!! he chose to revolve his entire personality around being a 'perfect flawless mom friend'!!!!!!!#in his head hes like the most selfless & altruistic person to ever walk the earth but in reality hes a sad selfish mess who just wants to#be loved.#he started out as a pretty nice and level headed guy who wanted to help ppl but then it just spiraled when he made that his entire#personality bc of his inability to move on from a lie he really wanted to be true.#he percieves shiro as this perfect flawless leader figure and he wants DESPERATELY to imitate that. deep down its not enough for him to#simply coparent and share responsibility w the others. no no no he has to be The Leader and do everything himself!#this mindset results in him later on starting to dismiss and undervalue his familys work and commitment to keeping them all alive-#esp soup. like sHE WAS THERE W HIM FROM THE VERY BEGINNING THEY ARE EQUALS THEY ARE BOTH EQUALLY IMPORTRANT#AND HES SO FAR UP HIS ASS HE FORGOT. somewhere along the line he forgot. he missed the point. he spiraled too deep.#and he knows. he knows but hes so terrified of change and growth and admitting he CANT do this alone.#he wants to be a cool epic capable solo leader AND he craves family and connection soooo badly he cant live w/o his loved ones.#so yeah. hes an angry little pathetic freak<3 i love him#despite all that hes not a bad person. just a flawed guy thrown into a situation so stressful and traumatising that he clinged to the only#coping mechanism he had at the time and just sorta. ran with it.#dw he gets better tho! it takes a lot and his and sticks relationship is strained for a LONG time but he slowly gets better. good for him
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no im still on maffhew calling the forsymaffhew lovechild a missile
#txt#missile#i have also learned ive mispronounced missile all my life at least in american terms#wdym you guys dont say mis-AISLE#the culmination of living in city where we're all 1st/2nd gen immigrants whos primary language at home is not english#anyways male equivalent of rocket... missile#sorry my queer mind can't understand that#my gender is when we played house in 2nd grade i didnt want to play because i had to be mom or dad and i went well im only playing if i get#to be like the family dog and they all got nervous because that felt mean and the teachers would scold them#and i was like nah its fine check this shit out (runs around and barks)#my gender is when the classroom got seperated into boys and girls i staunchly refused and insisted i be in my own group as a joke and#everyone was okay w that because it was the height of lolz so random! and i was the poster child for that so naturally yeah thats#charming and cute yeah tumblr user ratatatastic you can have your own group and that was the class joke and it never felt mean because#it was a small sheltered school and weve all know eo since we were like in daycare#my gender is hey i volunteered at a pride festival and ive always struggled with expressing any sort of femininity and bristled pretty#badly because it gets beat into you and after the pandemic i chilled out a lot after sitting with it and this is all to say#i got partnered with a brazilian guy because i was the only one who spoke spanish on shift at the time and while he spoke 3 languages#(eng esp por) sometimes he struggled with how to say something and changed languages like he was channel surfing which was refreshing#because i do the same thing so it was this weird culmination of both of us code switching heavily and acting as translator for eo anyways#this is all to say when i toddled in no one really knew what to make of me pronoun wise and what he decided to do instead of just ask me#like a normal person he just he/him'd me and then proceed to call me good girl in the exact same sentence and i laughed about it at the time#proceeded to file it at the back of my head for when i got home so i could despondently stare at a wall for 5 hours of what exactly that#entails about me and why it didnt bother me at all and i was like huh the panic never stops thats fun you can just have random revelations#even when youre an old dog in the game at 23 and known your gender fucker wuckery since you were like 12 like oh great#conclusion is that i dont know why god sends me his toughest battles im a crybaby AND a whiner LIKE PICK SOMEONE ELSE ALREADY#anyways hehe missile#sorry we lost the thread here
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trying to do some financial math for if i move out and getting sick to my stomach
#ohhhhhhhhh god. oh christ alive.#my problem is that my discipline used to be great when i was both severely depressed/agoraphobic AND unemployed#and stopped wanting for things altogether. not the case anymore#wanting for things usually being...eating during or after work or getting a ride to go somewhere nice for a bit. whatever#i think its...DOABLE theoretically but im like. um. nervous#asked my manager for full time hours which im already kicking myself over but well if i want to get out of here#and i do so so so fucking badly#then. things have to change#struggling hard. i hate change and i hate making decisions especially ones i have yet to tell my mom about#NUMBER of things keeping me from acting quite yet but thats probably the worst is the thought of telling her#i dont know...how financially me moving out is going to work for her and my brother (who also wants to move eventually)#and i dont...i dont want to leave them here to drown#but i cant DO IT ANYMORE MAN if i dont try to get out i never will and the despair of being stuck here has done IMMENSE damage#to me over the last few weeks particularly after being able to envision a future where things are different#thinking about getting out of here gives me the energy to do things. i want to get out. i NEED to get OUT#god i really should just start making the body of the post the title and then writing the tags where the post should go#this is not how blogging works generally. embarrassing. well it probably wont change because i dont care enough
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Scientists: want so badly for adult children who are friends with and/or still dependant on parents for money or a roof to be Bad that they are intentionally looking for detriment in the study results
Study results: so overwhelmingly positive they can't actually find the data needed to twist the narrative
Scientists: >:|
#i read an article#the article was pro kid/parent friendship and dependance bc MANY studies have shown that's beneficial to both sides#but people want SO BADLY to believe the fiction of Independence and it's necessarity that they think parents who still#care about and frequently talk to their grown kids are causing codependency and setting them up for failure and like#not inherently#living with my mother was super beneficial and i still would be if he wasn't anti ever living in MO again and i anti livinf in TX until#it's again a state i can comfortably live in as a trans person#like if i lived with my dad and step mom there'd be reason to question bc while he's gotten better she's just as bad#and expects me to sit down and take emotional abuse and revisionist history from my father's memories of abusive days#whereas dad will thank me for calling him out once he gets over the understandable moment of hurt in realizing what he thoughr was helping#one of his kids was actually hugely painful and detrimental#but also me asking my father for money isn't a danger to my independence it's a sign of the failure of the system#it's not a ''failure to launch'' it's a 'the system and economy are so broken it is literally impossible to get on your feet on your own'#like come off it#look at other societies and multigenerational homes#are they suffering for it? no! then why would we be????#like if you raise a child and all but evict them from your life when they're 18 then like. do you actually love them? do you actually care?#or did you feel like children was an obligation and now it's over and they only matter for holidays and birthdays?#bc the latter is much more of an issue than adult kids '''''boomeranging''''''
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my birthday is in less than a week i literally feel like im gonna barf. what the hell and also fuck in addition to that as well.
#my birthdays make me feel so lonely and weird! and existentially freaked out!#i spend my whole birthday feeling like i'm supposed to have fun and then i don't have fun because i want to be having fun too badly#im having dinner with my mom and grandma the night before but god i like. really kind of don't want to.#because they're both gonna make me anxious and get on my nerves and then i'm gonna feel bad for getting annoyed with my family when they're#simply just trying to do something sweet for me! aaaaaaaack. ack! i haven't like really looked forward to my birthday since i was like...12#comin up on 24? not a great track record tbh. im no statistician but god freakin dang that's not a great one!
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it was my birthday yesterday and i was sick sick, cried three times, barely functioning and powering through laboratory work and managed to pass a quiz i definitely didn't study for 👍
#amgf is yapping. . .#now i'm feeling better also because i don't consent to being sick i have shit to get done both here and irl and i dont have time for this#i could've gotten better earlier but we had tests done and i wasn't about to get false-positive and false-negative results due to medication#i have exams tomorrow and i have research to do and i want to write so badly i have another nando thought#also!!!! my earphones stopped working 🥹 can't this week get any better? actually it is getting better because the week is about to end#and i can't wait to go home watch the gp and do whatever atp#i woke up to my mom sending me a birthday message and cried while taking a warm shower it was so awesome i regulated my emotions vv well#i still have more to do so maybe this weekend i can do some updates and stuff hopefully 🤞
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#i just want a good mom#i get so pissed off when i see people having good relationships with their parents#because i want that too#both of my parents are terrible people#if i didnt live with my mom i wouldnt need therapy so badly i think#but as long as i live with her i'll never be truely happy#i cant afford to leave right now though#if i ever get the chance though i dont give a fuck what happens to her after i leave#because i no longer want to associate with her
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in need of prayers (see tags)
#my mom and i are going on a week-long vacation next week and we already have trouble getting along#when we're not in constant close quarters#it's going to be a miracle if we come out of this thing still being able to bear each other's presence :)))#in other words..... please pray for us#i have so much trouble controlling my words and actions around her#i fully acknowledge that it's not a her problem but a both of us problem#she's also recently started crying when i get#so like. that's really not good.#i want to be kind and loving around her so badly#but it's so hard and i'm sick of how hard it is#i can't have a genuine heart-felt convo with her or share anything personal#the funny thing is that one of my best friends wanted to roadtrip with me to where mom and i are going#but if i chose that over my mom then there would be hell to pay#anyway. every day with my mom is a struggle.#and the devil sees that and is trying to get me to be so nasty to her all the time#i need prayers. all i want is for this vacation to be pleasant for both of us.#***sorry i meant to say 'difficult' at the end of the tag about my mom crying
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having to come to terms with the fact that your parents aren’t always right and you are going to have to do things even when they disagree with you is so fucking sick and twisted
#i like to think my parents give good advice but then i remember they told me to go to class while i was so sick i couldn’t walk up a flight-#of stairs or talk#and when i broke my arm my mom didn’t believe me for an entire day#and they can think i’m irresponsible all they want but the fact is i have two jobs where both of my supervisors are impressed with my work#-i’m a published author; i made the deans list; and i’m on track to graduate early with a double major + minor#like suck my DICK if you think i’m doing badly or setting myself up for failure#txt
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Being the only one in my friend circle that still has all the physical media I consumed as a child feels so weird. They always react with "what do you do with all of that" or "i gave it all away/my parents threw it out years ago".
I have the whole collection of VHS my father had neatly stored right alongside the CDs that had been passed down to me by my mother (and i would've also kept all of her music cassettes if they still worked) and all the DVDs I used to watch as a kid. And this is just audiovisual media, i also still have all the books and magazines from my childhood on my bookshelf (or the great majority of it at least). I love all those possessions so dearly and the idea of getting rid of part of it or selling it or giving it away in some form pains me so much merely because of the memories, even though I might not be constantly in that media or maybe there is some of it that I don't like or even despise.
But at the same time i feel bad for holding onto it. i would like to be able to share it, to see it used instead of "gathering dust" but i cannot let go.
#i have a fairytale vhs that is literally the world to me#and another one that had a short film (for kids) that literally terrorized me#and i love them both#everything is so sentimental to me and a part of me#i would be so distraught to give up something that gives me such vivid memories from my childhood just by looking at it#like the frustration i felt not understanding how the minigame in a winnie the pooh DVD worked when my dad could just so easily do it#or when i was laying down on the floor of my childhood home doing those kids game magazines#and the stereo (that i still have and want to fix so badly) was playing in the background while my mom did chores#it's the same reason i can't bring myself to give up my plushies#nostalgia#childhood
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I miss reading books... my beloved books... where are they... they're not near me anymore... my books... orz... I miss them...
#aria rants#i legitimately dont know where most of my books are. i know i have both coraline and alice in wonderland#the alice in wonderland book is sooo pretty cuz it has illustrations and i! dont know where it is!#i also just generally miss reading books. theres only so much online reading i can do. i want physical books again#but goodness me books are so expensive orz... and theres barely any book sales happening anymore MAN!!! what happened...#there used to be frequent book sales in the past where i can just tell my mom to buy me a couple for only a dollar or smth#and it was the best cuz books!!! but now theres barely any and if there was then its all expensive anyway! so much for it being#a booksale when you can only grab a single book now for 3-5 dollars and it may not seem expensive when converted to usd#but being in SEA... its way more expensive. esp when 5 usd can put spent on smth else other than a singular book#like what happened orz... back then you can get around 2-4 even 5 books for 5 usd. it really was a booksale with how cheap it was#now you cant even do that and i miss reading physical books so badly. i miss the texture of paper on my fingers and smell of it too
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dropped the ball on my mom that Im thinking of moving to London next year and she did not take it well at all lol
#she was just saying how its expensive there and i have no money (I have been saving) and i dont have a job and the people are racist#I think its mostly projection of her time as a refugee in germany and how badly she was treated in her 20s there so now she is afraid for m#like she refuses to go back even when we visted family (both my dad's and mom's side) she did not want to come
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oh god everything is going So Wrong in my family this is going to blow up so bad
#so. my mom is under a lot of debt like A Lot of debt right.#but shes not really holding back from spending money even tho me and my dad both repeatedly warn her#that this is probably very very very very bad for our futures#and my dad is horribly short tempered so. um. this has a 50% chance of ending in murder#he also installed cameras on the outside of our house#and he does like me wearing shorts (????????? indeed) and guess what i wear any time hes not home#honestly thanking all the gods out there bc im go to school in kzkod#i can stay away for at least 1 more year 🙏🙏🙏🙏#but my mom said hes alread planning a marriage??????????????? like slow down im fucking 16 years old#rena.posts#sigh#hope this doesnt end too badly#like i do want to take my moms side bc this is the first time shes experiencing true freedom but#like. my dad is right too she needs to controo her expenses#but then i feel like im leaving her stranded and siding with my dad#and thats what everyone else has wver done to her#and i feel guilty abt that#but shes like 50 she needs to be responsible of her own finances ykwim#gah whatever#i just hope ill be far far away when this all blows up
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one in the morning i am listening to slipping through my fingers on repeat and missing my mom really badly while also feeling upset with her and i don't think this combination will ever really leave me
#i havent seen my family in months and her dad just died and now she probably has covid too#and i know she misses me and i miss her so badly but i also miss the idea of having a mom you can tell everything too#like i will never have that relationship with her!! and that hurts!!#we've both hurt each other and i've done things i'm sorry for that i haven't apologized for#but i was a fifteen year old having a mental breakdown. she was the parent#i know she didn't know how to help me and no one did and i know blaming her for that is unfair#but i have never ever gotten anything like an apology for her not even trying until the cracks were so wide they showed#she's never said 'hey sorry you had a two year long depressive episode that must have really sucked' or anything like it#and she never will because she does not take accountability or apologize for things.#but she makes jokes about how moody i was or how i never wanted to talk to her during that time and it's like.#weren't you there?? didn't you see?? didn't you know?? did you even try to understand??#i'm sorry i was a moody 15 year old i was also so completely burnt out that all my energy went towards finding any joy i could#need to go back to therapy over the summer because i literally have SO much to discuss#my mom. my grandpa. adhd. new special interests. my cello teacher. the Creep. my actual life now. the list goes on#whatever this has become a tag ramble. maybe the way to get my mom to apologize is to watch ladybird with her#(if i did that i think one of us would burst into flames)#persannal
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#i just wanna have artist friends again to talk about art and hype each other up o(-(#share techniques and fandoms and have ocs together#i feel like i cant do art or feelings on my own anymore i need someone to feel it with me#but also depending on people like that is unfair so i stopped doing it and my heart was shattered into a million pieces#i had so many issues drawing the past 4 years and i only have one friend and they dont draw and are aq#are awkward with words but when i send them a photo of me trying to draw they literally didnt say anything and that was just :')#ive been struggling so much because of twitter and everyone i knew seeing my breakdown 4 years ago and knowing how many bridges i burned#and how difficult it is for me to draw at all and then share my art online and my friend told me its okay just share it with me#and when they dont say anything in me screams and feels so rejected i want to never talk to anyone ever again#im literally a shell of a human struggling with everything im a trauma response on two legs#and i wanna channel that into my two oc boys both being traumatized and leaning on each other but that also makes me feel so vulnerable#i feel like my existence is so pointless and just a burden on everyone who ever crossed paths with me#i imagine everyone i ever knew just talking badly about me how obnoxious i am and how selfish and ignorant and hurtful#and how happy they are about my downfall#im on mental sick leave and have finally a bit of time to catch my breath and im drawing again and feel better but i need to return to work#i cant do this#im so privileged and i still feel so bad and its so hard#i feel like every privilege i have will be followed by the most gruesome horrible thing because i dont deserve it and im unworthy of it#i dont think ill ever be able to build normal human relationships ever again ill shrivel up alone and die without anyone caring#while my mom is telling me im doing it on purpose and because i reject everyone#why is existing to painful and why am i doing worse worse doing it
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