#so. my mom is under a lot of debt like A Lot of debt right.

[sleepintro]

oh god everything is going So Wrong in my family this is going to blow up so bad

[just1cefor4ll]

A rare kind of love

Kang Dae-ho x fem!reader

warning. I don’t really know the reason of Dae-ho’s debt so I made something up other then that no warnings

genre. hurt comfort

Shadows stretched across the floor, where the sleeping figures of players shifted in their deep slumber, the tension in the room never ceasing, not even in their sleep. But being next to Dae-ho, keeping watch for the night as everyone else slept was something that brought you a bit of comfort even in these tough circumstances. Dae-ho sat a few feet away, his elbows on his knees, eyes quietly sweeping over the restless forms. You watched him for a moment, his calm and steady presence oddly warm in a place like this. It was strange how much trust you’d built with someone you barely knew—someone you’d met under conditions that could kill you both.

“You know,” you said finally, breaking the silence, “I used to stay up late like this back at home. Not for anything important—mostly just lying in bed, stressing over things I couldn’t fix.” You laughed softly, shaking your head. “Guess that habit didn’t really help me in the long run.”

“I could say the same thing about myself. The marines made me develop insomnia so I never really slept after i got back— but I guess I’ve gotten a bit better with the help of my sisters” He replied, giving you a soft smile which you returned with a hint of curiosity in your eyes. “You have sisters? How many?” “Four. All of them are older and I’m thankful to them for being who I am now.. though I can’t say everyone in my family is proud of how I turned out.” It was like his mask had faltered for a split second, his shoulders slumping and eyes looking like a disappointed child.

You didn’t push further, staying in comfortable silence, only the soft snores os players and shuffling of those who were having nightmares in their beds.

“Sorry uh—“ “[Name] [Last Name]” You cut him off with a smile but make a shh gesture with your pointer finger. “Don’t let the others know my name, only you and Jun-hee are the ones I trust to the fullest with this information.” You wink playfully before letting him go on— his face starstruck as you looked at him with a face no one has ever looked at him with. “Right, [Name]. How’d you end up in here? I mean you seem pretty smart to me so proper education is something you have no doubt.. so?”

You hesitated, wondering if you should even say it. But what was the point of holding back now? It wasn’t like secrets mattered in a place like this. “Debt.. a lot of it. Just like everyone here I made bad choices, bad timing… one thing snowballed into another. And then—” You paused, gesturing vaguely to the room around you. “Well, here I am.” You smile sheepishly, but your once beaming energy did die down a bit. “I was a psychologist.. It payed very well but with my poor choices and actions I lost my job and I fell into the arms of gambling where I lost it all.”

He didn’t interrupt, letting you keep talking.

You let out a short, humorless laugh. “I figured I’d win back just enough to cover everything. I thought, ‘What’s the harm in trying?’” You shook your head. “Turns out, the harm is a mountain of debt and a bunch of very angry people coming after you. Then my mom got sick, and the hospital bills started piling up. Insurance only covered so much, you know? So, I started taking out loans to keep up.” You leaned back against the rail, staring at the ceiling as the memories came rushing back

He didn’t say anything right away, just nodded slowly, his expression was sympathetic and no hint of judgment was evident either which you appreciated.

“I was out of options,” you continued, your voice softer now. “So when this… game showed up, I thought, ‘Why not? I’ve got nothing left to lose.’”

For a moment, the two of you sat in silence. Then, Dae-ho spoke, his voice calm but edged with something you couldn’t quite place. “It’s easy to fall into, isn’t it? Debt. Mistakes. Feels like one bad move and your whole life spirals out of control.” “Yeah,” you said, glancing over at him. “Something like that. What about you? How’d you end up in the marines is my first question.. I mean why’d your sisters let their precious brother get into the hands of such a traumatic thing? Respect to you though! I wouldn’t be able to handle it any better than you so I’m very proud of you for serving the country, soldier.” You teased, looking at him with a big smile.

He hesitated, his eyes dropping to the railing, though a slight chuckle did manage to escape his lips from your silly nickname. For a moment, you thought he might brush off the question, but then he let out a soft sigh. “My dad,” he started, his voice quiet. “He wanted a ‘real man’ for a son. Someone strong, someone tough. But I wasn’t what he wanted.” You frowned. “What do you mean?” “Like I’ve mentioned before, I grew up with four older sisters,” he said, a faint, almost wistful smile tugging at his lips. “They were the ones who raised me, really. Taught me how to cook, how to listen, how to be patient. I guess I turned out too… soft for my dad’s taste. He’d look at me and see failure. Said I’d never make it in the real world unless I ‘toughened up.’”

You could hear the bitterness in his voice, even though he tried to hide it.

“So he sent me to the Marines,” Dae-ho continued, his gaze distant. “Said they’d make a man out of me. And I guess they did. But they also…” He trailed off, shaking his head. “They took the parts of me that my sisters had built. Replaced them with someone who could fight. Someone who could kill. And when I got out, I didn’t even know who I was anymore. The marines take your spark.. or at least dim it with all they got.”

“What happened after that?” you asked gently.

He hesitated again, his fingers curling loosely around the railing. “When I got back my sisters were more than happy to see me but they knew I was different. It was a bit awkward at first but they got through to me and got me to go to therapy for a while but bills started piling up. I tried working—construction, private security—but the flashbacks made it impossible to hold a job."

He looked down at his hands, as if trying to remember a time they weren’t shaking. "I kept borrowing money to keep my head above water, but no matter how much I tried, it was never enough. My dad called me weak for struggling. Sisters tried to help, but I couldn’t let them. Too much pride, too much of him in me, I guess."

“I came here,” he said finally, “because it felt like the only thing left. At least here, I could do something. I could try and make my father proud.” For a long moment, neither of you spoke. Then you reached out, placing a hand on his arm. “You didn’t deserve any of that,” you said quietly. He looked at you, surprised, and for a moment, the guarded expression fell away. “Maybe not,” he said softly. “But it’s done now. All I can do is try to keep moving forward, survive this place and get my life together.”

You nodded, your grip on his arm tightening slightly. “We’ll figure it out. Together.” You said and squeezed his hand, laying your head on his shoulder. “We’ll get out and open up a small shop.. we can sell whatever we can think of and buy a small house on Hyepjae beach. I’ve always wanted to visit Jeju, haven’t you?” You rambled, completely forgetting the fact how you were just mere strangers a few days ago. He nodded, putting a over your shoulders, holding you close. “I’d love that.. more then anything.”

You looked up at him, and his heart nearly stopped in the process. “For the record, I don’t think you’re weak at all. You’re one of the strongest people here, and considering what you’ve been through in your past, the fact that you’re still such a kind-hearted soul is rare in a place like this. You’re one of a kind, Kang Dae-ho.” You spoke softly, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead before standing up to switch places with Jung-bae and Gi-hun, who were just waking up so you could get some rest.

He could only stare, his cheeks flushed as a quiet chuckle escaped him. Heading toward his own bed, which was a bit farther from yours, he suddenly paused. Kneeling down beside you, he gently brushed your hair behind your ear. “You’re one of a kind too, [Name] [Last Name],” he murmured, his voice soft but full of meaning, your name rolling naturally off his tongue. Leaning in, he pressed a soft kiss to your cheek. “Sleep well.”

As your eyes fluttered closed, a faint smile curved your lips. “Good night, Dae-ho.”

He lingered for just a moment longer, his gaze lingering on your peaceful expression, before whispering to himself, “How could someone like you exist?” Then, with one last glance, he quietly made his way to bed, his heart still racing.

© just1cefor4ll— I don’t consent to my writing being reposted to other platforms or fed into AI. Translating it is also strictly prohibited. 🚫

[musicalhell]

Checking in. I know you're planning on getting the fuck of out dodge, and I don't blame you. Unfortunately, I don't have that option. My mom keeps saying that we'll get through it. I don't quite believe it, but I get so mad at all the social media people shitting on Biden, Harris, Walz, and the Obamas for trying to reassure people that it'll be okay and not to give up. Like what do you want them to say, "You're all screwed, goodbye"? They're better people than that.

Thanks! I'm doing all right, or at least as well as can be considered under the circumstances, and hope you are as well.

I should clarify that this is not a snap decision; we have discussed the possibility of emigrating since at least 2020 and knew this election outcome would be our trigger moment. I'm well aware that I'm privileged for even being able to seriously consider this possibility, and there are a lot of people who have no option but to stay and fight it out here. And it's not that I think that fight is pointless or unwinnable--it's important, as is the hope necessary to motivate it. But for us, this begins and ends with one thing: our kids.

When my kids go to school, a voice in the back of my mind reminds me to hug them and tell them I love them, just in case someone takes a gun and opens fire on their class. My older son has already talked about studying abroad and finding a job in another country, because he doesn't want to be burdened with inescapable debt for wanting a higher education or treating an illness or accident he has no control over. My younger son would be angry if you told him that his Muslim best friend didn't have as much right to be in this country as he does. I want what every parent wants for their children--to have a good life, an even better life than mine if possible--and in the near future, that's not going to happen in the United States.

So I'm not giving up hope. I'm doing what every migrant and immigrant has done since human history began: I'm planting my hope in a new garden.

[raelle-writing]

DFF Theory: Non's brother is White

Warning that this post will contain spoilers for episode 6 of DFF, spoilers under the break

One of my biggest unanswered questions about DFF right now is: Who is New? And will he play a role in the series in the future?

We don't KNOW that New will have a role in the series, of course, but he's talked about a lot. he could just be there to identify Non as the lesser child while New is the golden child, and show why Non feels like he can't talk to his parent about his problems...

So, what do we know about New?

1. Based on the family photos shown in episode 5, we can see that New is EITHER a couple of years older or a couple of years younger than Non. Non is in 11th grade, so that would make New either around 19 or 15.

2. We know he's studying abroad and his family is sending him money. We don't know where, or what age he is. It's implied that he's older by the comparison, but it's never said specifically (unless there's an honorific that isn't being translated into English). We also know that New needs a lot of monetary support wherever he is abroad, since Non's mom talks about taking out an emergency loan to send him more money.

So then, IF we assume New is part of the show, who is he? I'm going to go ahead and say he's not Phee because we know Phee is the ❤️, wants to be Non's BF, and he's not abroad.

So who does that leave?

The three people I can think of are Tan, Perth, and White.

Perth might be the most likely because we haven't seen much of him yet, but he IS in the background of some of the casino scenes. And maybe it's possible that Perth plays New, and New is actually not a good kid and is in with a gang but has his whole family fooled, and the reason he keeps having to ask for money is because he's in debt or keeps losing it...

But I don't think that's likely, so that rules out Perth.

Next is Tan, who is probably the most obvious choice. But I don't think the timeline makes sense, considering New would be older or younger than Non and Tan is in the same grade as the other main characters. So unless he was able to fake his name, age, and schooling records it would've been impossible for him to transfer into their school in the same year as the rest. It is possible that he could pull that off, but Non's family is shown to not have money, so I don't know how he could've pulled off faking those records. So IMO, Tan is out.

The last option is White, which I will say, DOES fit the timeline. If Non's brother New is actually younger than him and brilliant, he could be studying abroad in an advanced program, and it might also explain why his family keeps needing to send him money since he wouldn't be able to get a job if he was that young.

White is the youngest of the group since he calls everyone there "Phi" and at the beginning, the friend group teases Tee about "tricking kids." White also shows a lot of capability in tense moments, and is the one who is the best with technology.

White acts scared and cries a lot when the others are around, but when left to his own devices he steals the tape, watches it, finds a gun and steals it. He's also the one who is good with technology. He mentions in the first episode that he'll work on boosting the signal of their walkie talkie, which isn't a simple thing to do. He's good with computers, probably too good for his age.

I think that of all the people who we've seen so far in the show, White is the most likely to be Non's brother. The comparisons are a misdirect, so we wouldn't suspect him. White has Tee (who is the person who has screwed Non over the most so far) wrapped around his little finger from the beginning. He plays up being cute and helpless until the exact moment he needs to be capable, then he's capable as hell.

I'm not sure that New is going to play a part in this series, honestly. But if he shows up, I think White is the person who fits the bill best.

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

Lute: “Wait- your new name Vesper isn’t in DEFIANCE of your Morningstar hell family, but a MIRROR of it???”

Vesper Bill: (cocking the gun full of heavenly bullets that their uncle Pentious made for them)

Vesper Bill: “Always was.”

Vesper Bill: (shoots Lute’s halo off her head instead of killing her) (like mother like child)

XD this is so dumb i love

behold my version of the chaggie spear baby's full character profile!

NAME: (redacted)bil(redacted)s Morningstar -> Vesper Bill, one word, not ‘Vesper’ or ‘Bill, always ‘Vesper Bill’.

NATURE: Weapon-born demonic Exorcist angel. Mortal. Slow aging.

OCCUPATION: Overlord, supplier for Rosie’s Emporium and Carmilla Carmine’s weapons business, Exorcist slayer and rehabilitator, cowboy grim reaper cosplayer, garden weeder.     

TERRITORY: Hell’s first community garden.

THEIR “THING”: Soul savings accounts and debt forgiveness programs. Killing murderous Exorcists.   - Entrust your soul to them so you can’t be tempted / pressured into selling it to anyone else. They’ll give it back if you ask, but you do have to ask first, and they’re usually good at figuring out some other way of getting what you want.  - Checks in with other overlords to see which sinners owe stuff and pays the debt / kills / scares off the overlord if they can. Then gives an accidentally terrifying visit to the former indebted sinner so they can say their favorite line of: “I’m Vesper Bill, and yours is due…. Never. It’s been paid off. Congrats.” (hands over a flyer about their moms' Hazbin Hotel)   - Their less favorite line is when they only say the first part of the above, right before killing an Exorcist. All resulting bodies are sold to Rosie, the weapons to Carmilla, and the funds go towards the community garden.

RELATIONS: Their moms run a struggling hotel business, all the live-guests of which are their uncles/aunts/grandpa.

ENEMIES: Most of heaven and a good part of hell. Their full birth name. Flower pollen. Mint.

STRUGGLES: - “It’s not a phase, moms.” (about their goth cowboy theme) – (tips hat at a lady) (walks into car bc they weren’t watching where they were going) – (coughing and sneezing and voice often sounds rough and terrifying bc they have allergies but won’t stop weeding in the garden) - Having tiny stubby demon horns that won’t grow bigger (covers with hat) (hat was a gift and orinially came from Earth) – keeping their demon tail under control (hides it under their coat).

LOVES: - Their moms, the princess of hell and her former Exorcist angel girlfriend. - The hazbin hotel family crew. - Gardening. - Cowboy stuff. - Being annoying to heaven. - Women who could vaporize them physically or emotionally with a smile or a knife either way.

PROUDEST MOMENT: Successfully infiltrating heaven, tricking Lute with a pretend hatred of their moms, wrecking shit, getting a weapon’s upgrade from their uncle, and leading a handful of now former Exorcists back down to hell with them on the way out.

POWERS: - Angelic resilience. - Demonic strength. - Summoning or banishing anyone who’s soul they have in trust, from or to the place of their choice (within the Pride Ring) (mostly used as taxi service). - Skilled at cutting weeds and brush with a scythe. - Good dancer. - Responsible gun owner and operator. - Kids love them.    

Trivia: Got into their cowboy phase after a brief one-time visit to Earth where they played guardian angel for an actual cowgirl for a day. Thinks about her a lot. Ready to go be a nuisance to Heaven again if she ends up there and wants company- is also trying to grow her favorite flowers down here in Hell, just in case. (also puts on red cheek spots makeup everyday, bc they are Charlie's kid too and PROUD of it)

and that's it, that's my take on the chaggie spear baby idea thing, all grown up!

it's ridiculous. i had so much FUN with it

[oddberryshortcake]

Hi Oddberry! I saw that you saw my ask on Cozi's page and the confusion I had along with it 💀

Now that I think about it I actually do remember Cozi mentioning your Megara OC/yuy was yours and just forgot! 😭 My apologies 😅

Buuuuuuut…now that I know who the owner is, may I ask for some lore on your oc and what her relationship is like with the other NRC cast?

It’s no problem at all! Cozy and I have been collaborating together for years so there is a lot of overlap. She’s the designer of Katerina, but she helped some with characterization too, just as I pitch in sometimes with Tia and the boys!

I’m sorry I don’t have any fun visuals to accommodate this and it’s just words BUT hopefully it’ll be an interesting read. 

It will be under read more so I don’t bother everyone, OKAY LETS GO!

Grim-  Starts off as a sort of Meg with Pain + Panic type of dynamic where they make little digs at each other and argue in petty ways. Obviously they both genuinely care about each other and are protective in their own ways. That's her lil guy, and she is HIS hench-human who he must protect at all costs.

Ace + Deuce- Best friends #1 and #2, at first they both treat her like she can't do anything herself because she 1. doesn't have magic 2. is a girl (who is still taller than them but still.) Her intellect, though often coming off as sarcastic in her advice, and her fencing abilities prove that she isn't some helpless magicless girl make their friendship feel more equal. They're basically her little brothers now. They still walk on either side of her around school just so the other students don't get any funny ideas.

Riddle- She and Riddle have similar moms (I changed up her upbringing after reading Go The Distance by Jen Calonita) Kat's mom isn't as abusive as Riddle's, but incredibly overbearing and imposing because she wants her daughter to live a successful life. This is a theme with her and the other over blotters, but she empathizes with him and the two of them get along well. I think the moment between Yuka and Riddle in Book 2 manga where Riddle fixes Yuka's outfit for her feels very them too.

Cater and Trey- Basic cordial relationship, no complaints there besides annoyance at their previous complacency in Riddle's overbearing rules

Leona- She's a strong and respectable woman. He's already ready to help her out in a pinch. He's reliable and smart. They get along well.

Jack- Another bestie. I think the two would have a good time doing exercises together. She doesn't join him for a run every day but he's good motivation to not rot in her bed on weekends.

Ruggie- She loves his hustle. Eat the rich, lil dude.

Azul- What a slime ball. She takes everything he says with a grain of salt. HOWEVER, she has been bullied in the past (not as bad as he was, but was intentionally excluded and isolated from her peers) that vulnerability is hard to show, of course he does everything he can to cover it up. If she makes a deal with him, she's sure to read the fine print and always makes good on her word so she can get out. It'd be no good if she was in debt twice.

Floyd- Called her a catfish, offending her right off the bat. However, he's tons of fun to hang out with when he's in the right move. He demanded she teach him to fence as soon as he found out she could do it. Now he calls her 'catfish' with a lot more affection. The nickname isn't so bad now.

Jade- She can't tell what he's thinking unlike his twin and Jade's teasing doesn't always sit right with her, but he knows how to behave himself. But she is gonna be looking at im like 🤨 occasionally

Kalim- OH KALIM!!! Kalim, she wants to preserve your happiness. I feel like Kat would get along really well with the light trio as a homage to Meg working for the villain but falling in love with a genuinely kind well-meaning hero. Kat definitely blends in well with typical NRC students with a healthy amount of skepticism towards the intentions of others and being admittedly pretty cut-throat when upset. She sees how Kalim made mistakes, but knows his intentions weren't bad, and she still feels a bit guilty for snapping at him so badly at Book 4 out of frustration. She doesn't want Kalim to lose the optimism he has for the world, in fact, she wishes she had that kind of joy herself. They get along pretty well...Perhaps, TOO well.

Jamil- They're literally like two peas in a pod, like a girl version of him. I imagine Kat and Jamil rant about stuff together while braiding each other's hair and whispering sarcastic remarks to each other. She has empathy for him and wants him and Kalim to turn out okay, but she doesn't impose, it's not like she understands the full extent of what they're going through but she's there to lend a helping hand, or nod and go "exactlyyy" when Jamil vents to her.

Vil- He'd want to take her under his wing. She's pretty, has modeled in the past in her original world, is literally supermodel height and is full of potential. She views him as overbearing at first and then becomes appreciative of his strength and care for his dorm mates. Sure, he gets on her for not making the best decisions with what she does with her day, but it's not so bad to get free skin and hair care stuff.

Rook- She found him off-putting at first but then grew to appreciate the fact that he finds beauty in everything...She wishes she could view the world like that. Damn light trio, making her guarded heart melt like that. His earnestness is a trait she's come to respect and surprisingly, his appreciation for her almost goes up to the same levels as Neige and Vil 😳 h-hello?? Oh he's so sad he didn't get to see the work she did in her original world...

Epel- BESTIEEEE! They're so tall queen and short king. Kat is forever grateful of everything he did for her in Book 5, from letting her squeeze the life outta him from her fear of heights when they rode a broom together to literally saving her life with his spell. They totally had mini sleepovers when she stayed in Pomefiore during Ramshackle renovations.

Idia- Oh man, the Hades/Meg dynamic right here. Her phone died and she lost all of her old game consoles and manga collection when she came to Twisted Wonderland, he saw this as an opportunity to convert someone irl into his nerd interests. He uses it as blackmail to get her to do stuff for him like run errands and junk. It's really just a stupid excuse to become more isolated and to keep her around, Kat resents him as she feels she's being used. After Book 6, he drops the act and frees her from her 'debt,' now they just hang out and play games like normal friends. He comes up with cringey nicknames to call her and Muscle Red has assumed she was his girlfriend during a gaming session between the three of them. Idia is currently planning how he, Ortho and Kat can group cosplay now that he has the confidence to do it in public with his gamer-girl friend (I cringe as I write this)

Ortho- Basically #3 bestie next to Ace and Deuce. They relationship started tied to Idia, Kat assuming that Ortho was just some robot servant Idia made, which Ortho corrected her on. She felt personally responsible for Ortho going rogue during Book 6, with her being dismissive of his role as Idia's younger brother haunting her as she never got to properly apologize. As a homage to Meg ending up in Tartarus, I had Kat personally go in there to get Grim, Idia, and Ortho as they fell. She's the one who manages to grab Ortho's memory chip before Vil drags all of them out (Kat wasn't physically changed by Tartarus since she doesn't exactly belong in that world but uh, maybe you'll find out more lol). She believes that Ortho is dead for a while and feels immense guilt over it and definitely didn't cry in her Pomefiore bed at night when they got back (she did.) So when Ortho comes BACK and also BECOMES A STUDENT she had never been so proud and happy. If she catches ANYONE trying to bully Ortho, she will fight (not that he needs it, he has a laser) and appreciates Ortho's general helpfulness. She has played video games in his new dorm room many times.

Malleus- She thinks he's odd, but in a cool and mysterious way. The two of them enjoy talking and wandering around at night. She's invited him inside Ramshackle and when he agrees a few times, she shows him some modern human stuff and they bond over the fact that they're BOTH new to twisted wonderland tech (I imagine it's close to normal tech but different in a way that there would be a learning curve). She definitely thinks he can get carried away with his magic but doesn't treat him with fear. Her stance on him is pretty identical to that of Silver and Sebek's in Book 7, she needs to stop him but also wants to save him.

Sebek- A bestie that took a while to come around. The two get into arguments, with Kat usually taking Silver's side in most small conflicts, both cause she likes Silver and also likes to spite Sebek, but Sebek comes to respect her and her ability to fight for herself. Kat sees who Sebek really is and accepts him. The two still bicker, but it's ride or die by Book 7. If there's one thing they both always agree on, it's that Silver needs to stop hating himself.

Silver- These two...I have an affection for their dynamic because I believe Silver is the closest to a twst Hercules that we have so far. Sweet, a lil air-headed, strong with a kind heart. Kat would feel similarly toward him that Meg goes toward Herc, she wants to keep him safe and she can't detect any of the typical NRCness from him. He's just genuinely a good person and it makes her soft. The two of them both train together, mostly with batons for sword fighting. Kat finds him strange and enchanting and Silver views Kat as a strong person with a talent for swordsmanship. They are each other's rock for Book 7 and I sure hope nothing bad happens to them.

Lilia- He's so weird, but charming. She already figured that he's Muscle Red from context clues but she hasn't said a word to Idia about it because it's funnier that he still doesn't know. He gives her candy for talking to his 'precious boys' and generally spoils her. Kat's father wasn't in her life but Lilia...Y'know, maybe he's what having a dad feels like.

[romana-after-dark]

The Wrong Way: Chapter 6

Dark!Joel Miller x Fem!Reader Tommy Miller x reader (secondary)

Masterlist

Spotify playlist

Summery: You are sold to Joel to clear up some of your fathers' debts, and he takes you back to his house where him, Tommy, and high ranking members of his raiding trope stay. Joel is mean, cruel, and hash, but had small moments of softness that confuse you in your venerable state. Over time, you get to know him and Tommy, and see different sides of each, an both are hiding secrets. Was it possible to fall in love under these circumstances? Or was that just another way Joel was fucking with you?

Aka: my mom sold me to One Direction

WARNINGS FOR FULL FIC, NOT CHAPTER BY CHAPTER UNLESS SOMETHING NEW IS ADDED AFTER MASTER WARNING LIST: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT!!!! Fic contains graphic depictions of sexual assault, rape, molestation, dubcon/non con. Blow Jobs, PIV sex, lose of virginity, sex trafficking, past incest, death/people dying everywhere, Stockholm syndrome, falling for your rapist, victim blaming, torcher, branding, physical abuse, rape (not Joel), somno, dub con on tommy? idk he's not really into it but feels like he has to, self-harm/depression/suicidal thoughts (not a lot) but fair warning, major age gaps, love triangle, pregnancy/birth, threats of abortion, major character death, mentions of potential csa/child abuse but does not even come close to happening, forced pregnancy, forced housewife shit, breeding, breeding kink?!?!

Heavy on the warning for guns

**************************

Waking up with Joel meant morning sex, and now that he was recovered from food poisoning after a whole day of no sex, he was rock hard by the time you were up, rocking his hips in the curve of your ass. Not long later, he was fucking you on your sides, arms wrapped tightly around. You avoided his kiss; his breath smelled gross due to the puking, and he was courteous enough to keep his face buried in your hair. You were starting to find you really liked when he took you from behind, it hit something delicious inside you, bringing you close with every pump; how did he have this much energy so early?

“Uh, uh, uh” The sounds come out your mouth in rhythm to his thrusts, warmth covering your body, the pleasure building as you clung to Joel’s strong arm wrapped your middle, holding on for dear life. “Joel, Joel I’m close, please touch me? Gonna cum again”

“You wanna cum again, little one?” He panted, hot breath in your neck, arms moving up to grope your breasts. “Not every day I get two out of yuh”

“Yes sir, please” You whimper for him, even as his hand crept further up your body, away from where you need him, but you trusted Joel. “Wanna cum again, wanna cum with you.”

Suddenly, his large gruff hand clamped around your throat your breathing laboured and raspy as you lurch, and his face was right next to your, beard scratching your skin. “You gonna tell me why your fuck’n brother was here last night?”

All the blood in your body drained out of your body, a million questions in your head as you wrapped your hands around his large one trying to pull him off of you. How did he know? How much did he hear? Did your refusal to go with Zach seal not only your fate, but Zach’s Lorenzo’s, fuck… would Tommy be punished for this? “Joel, please.”

His hand tightened. “Answer me” He was inside you still, the reminisce of your ruined orgasm leaving you shaking

“H-he wanted to rescue me” you rasp out, wriggling against his body with your hand on him, trying to get out. 

“Then why the fuck are you still here?” His breath smelled like puke and morning breath, overpowering the smell of sex and adding to your heightened terror. Would Joel actually kill you for not going? 

“I din wa’a,” You cough, your throat hurting as your breathing is restricted. “Joel, ca- breath.” dark spots came around your eyes

He lessened his grip and you gasp, deep sputtering breathes filling your lungs again. “How the fuck did he get in? Where was Lorenzo?” You decide to let Lorenzo live, he knew too much about your brother, and you could still save Zach if you played your cards right. Besides, he was no Nick, you didn’t enjoy getting people hurt.

“Lorenzo was in the bathroom, I don’t know how he got in! Please,” You continued writhing as Joel was still inside you, and he began fucking you again but did not let go of your throat. “I didn’t wanna go, I wanted to stay with you.”

Joel’s speed was slow and steady, pulling all the way back and slamming in, making breathing even harder. “Do I need to kill your fucking brother?”

“No! No, Joel, please, I stayed, didn’t I? Please don’t.”

He stopped choking you, his neck around your throat suddenly so soft, his lips kissing your bruised neck and he changed positions; you on your back, Joel knelt before you as he fucked into you faster. “I won’t for now, little one, but just know if you leave, he’s the first place I’m going to and I’m making his death as slow as Nicks, understood?”

Looking up at him, still holding his hand around your neck, you nod frantically. “I won’t, I won’t Joel, I swear!” You cry; you want Tommy, but after last night you weren’t sure he’d come to your rescue anymore… and calling for him would solidify his death and yours, either way.

Sitting back and finally letting go of your throat and you get a full breath in, Joel pulls out and jacks off on you're body before collapsing back onto you, his heavy and ever-oddly comforting weight on you, despite the fact bruised your neck, you were so happy to have him with you, warm and gentle, you wrap your arms around his middle. 

Joel kisses you, and you aren’t even bothered by the smell anymore, just so happy for the affection. “Good, because if you ever try to fucking leave again I will tie you to the bed and set this fucking house on fire.”

You didn’t even have it in you to be scared, or hurt, or sad… you just swore up and down between kisses that you were his, and you never wanted to leave. When things calmed down, you were in his arms again, resting as he kissed your bruising neck.

“You play guitar?” You ask softly, looking at the 6 string all dusty resting up against his dresser.

“Use-tah. Long time ago.”

“Oh…” You couldn’t help the disappointment in your voice. “Okay”

Joel turned to you, his mouth leaving your neck. “Why?”

You kept looking away, embarrassed you got your hopes up. “Nothin”

Joel took your face in his jaw, turning you, forcing you to look at him. “Tell me, little one”

“I just… I was kinda hoping to hear something… that’s all, not a big deal”

His eyes darted between yours, you could practically hear him thinking, before he let go and abruptly stood up. “Don’t work, anyway. Needs strings. Besides, I havn’t played in years.”

“It’s okay” You smile up at him. Music would be nice… Zach played a little bit of piano, your mom had taught him some. He could play Red River Valley, singing it for you sometimes until Joel’s men destroyed the piano… that a few years ago, long before you every met Joel, or Tommy. You did recognize one of the men, one who lives here now. His name was Aiden. He was an asshole like Nick, but after Nick was skinned alive, he didn’t dare look at you. 

After a bath, (which you made Joel brush his teeth beforehand) you were back in your room as he left for ‘business’, and as expected, the door opened around noon, with a nervous looking Tommy entering carrying a tray with bread and the leftover soup from last night. “Hey honey- What the fuck!?” Tommy about dropped the food as he set it down and rushed over to you, hand on your neck. “Fucking hell, what did he do? When was this?” The frantic worry in his eyes was evident as he tilted your head with a soft, gentle grip on your chin, a contrast to Joel’s harsh one earlier this morning. 

But you pulled back, and Tommy let go of you. “It’s nothing, Tommy.”

His face dropped. “Hey… hey whats wrong?” He noticed your change in demeanor.

You glare at him, but without much power behind it. “I didn’t forget last night” I whisper.

Sighing, Tommy gets up to close the door and brings you your food. “I’m sorry, I really am.”

“You’re just sorry you got caught in a lie!”

“Yeah, yeah I am.” Tommy deadpans. “I never wanted you to find out, is that you want you here? But not because I want you here. I want you far, far away from Joel, as far away as you can, but not… not now…” He speaks in earnest, you want to believe him…

“I don’t want to leave, Tommy. That’s why I didn’t go with Zach while everyone was sick, I don’t wanna go. Joel… it’s better here”

Tommy’s fast twists into concern. “What do you… what does that mean?”

“I’m safe here. I’m safe from everything going on out there… Joel protects me.”

His face was unreadable. “Honey, no, no that’s…” Shaking his head, he tries to find the right words. “Joel’s not safe either, you know that right? He branded you, he raped you, he did that-” He references your bruised neck “To you!”

“Don’t yell at-”

“Joel is the bad guy! He is the one you need protection from!”

“He’s the one that killed Nick, Tommy!” You shout at him, angered. “Not you! You let Joel brand me, you let Joel rape in front of everyone, you LET HIM!” You stand up on your shitty mattress and Tommy stands with you. He is much taller but you do not waver as you point at him. “So don’t act like you are my savior, when you just have a savior complex! The only person who can protect me from Joel is Joel!” You don’t know why you are suddenly so angry… but god, everything from the last few months… you were locked up in your little room, the anger had to go somewhere… “Those men out there” You point outside “I could walk out here naked, and none of them would touch me, not because of you, but because of Joel! He only did this to my neck because Zach came and tried to take me when he couldn’t keep me safe from dad, he branded me because I tried to run, he raped me because I put up a fight, he hurts me when I or someone else does something and as long as no one interferes, that includes you, Tommy, everything is fine!” 

Tommy let you, he let you scream and yell because in the end, you were right. He could tell you that he was the one that made sure you ate every day, that stop the others when Joel left you to be gang raped, that he was the only patching up your wounds… but you were right, Joel still did every he wanted to you, and Tommy couldn’t stop him. Tommy knew what you meant by interfer… it had become clear how touchy he was, how he held you and cared for you… and he was putting you in danger as he did that.

“Okay” He whispers, eyes closed. “I get it. Joel is the one who protects you… not me…” He opens them, and you swear you saw his eyes glistening. “Can I still be your friend?” 

He looked so young all of a sudden, despite his mustache and the lies around his eyes… You calm down from your outburst, and you feel bad… feel bad for how much you yelled at someone who had only tried to help you… but you needed to be safe with Joel. “With the door open” You couldn’t leave room for suspicion.

Things with Tommy were different, after that. You withdrew from him, no longer spending hours playing card games and talking… but he still came and kept you company, as long as you’d allow him. But as soon as Joel was home, you belonged to the older brother. I wasn’t fair to Tommy, you knew… but neither Joel nor Tommy had been through what you had, were living through what you were, and you were just trying to survive. Tommy was no longer your refuge. You slept in Joel’s bed every night, you spent more time with Joel than Tommy… and Tommy began spending more time working… He’d go away over nights more and more, sometimes a few days at a time… you couldn’t help but miss him, but this was your bed to lay in. You did have more freedom, however. Since you had an opportunity to leave and didn’t Joel trusted you more. You cooked sometimes, began cleaning a bit… it was something to do, and you began to enjoy it. Plus, the men were a lot less cold to you when you’re the one providing real home cooked food; a few thank you’d had been mumbled here and there, mostly from Jack who was the more polite of the group.

You had gone to bed in Joel's arms, fell asleep in his tight grasp, safe and warm, Tommy was out on some overnight trip when you woke up to commotion in the living area, shouts of the men, Joel screaming about something, clearly on a rager and you were going to stay in bed until Joel settled it and inevitable came back to the room wanting to use your sleeping body to blow off steam… when you heard it. Tommy yelling in pain. Instantly, you forgot about every you had been angry about, and rushed out the door in time to see Joel pistol whip Tommy in front of a crowd of the men. You vaguely register Jack telling you to stay out of it and Aziz saying ‘don’t’, but it didn’t matter; Joel was hurting Tommy.

“Joel stop!” You scream and run to Joel, but stop dead in your track as Joel turned the gun on you, and you find yourself wide-eyed and back into the wall, staring at the barrel of a gun as Tommy trying to tell Joel to stop from where he lay on the ground.

Joel wasn’t listening, his voice smooth and calm despite the shaking rage behind them. “How long you been sleep’n with my brother, little one?” 

You were frozen in place, unable to speak, but Tommy was trying to get up, still reeling from the pistol whip that had his head bleeding. “Joel, no, we never did anything, I was just keeping her company-”

He lowers the gun temporarily. “No way you put yourself between me and a man unless he’s fucked your stupid little pussy.” He tapped your cunt with the gun before bringing it back up.

"Joel, no-" You whisper, terrified

“Close your eyes” He said to you, his voice a deadly calm, before shouting. “CLOSE YOUR EYES!” 

In the background, you can hear vaguely as Tommy tries to reason with Joel, stumbling to get up; he is on one knee, his hand reaching out using his signature ‘calm down, Joel’ voice, but right now, you are looking into Joel’s eyes, so often filled with affection for you, but now dead and cold. You do as you are told, closing your eyes, your knees about to buckle in fear of Joel painting the wall with your brain matter. “I didn’t-” You try to say, but stop as Joel caresses your face with the barrel of the gun, gently shushing you.

“Here's what we’re doing sweetheart” If you weren’t away of the situation, his tone wasn’t unlike how he’d gentle coax you into whatever position he wanted you in. “When you open your eyes,you’re gonna tell me ‘No Joel, I never slept with with your goddamn pathetic stupid dumbass pussy of a brother’ in more or less words and if I don’t believe you…” He tapped your cheek twice making little gun shots sounds. “No more pretty little girl, okay?”

It takes everything in you to not cry, merely whimpering as you feel the cool metal on your cheek, and you nod. You were almost certain you couldn’t do this. You had never been a good liar, only held on this long because Joel seemed to trust you… seemed to think you were in a relationship early on when all he did was hurt you. But now, now you’d have to look him in the eyes and lie, and almost certainly you’d be dead moments later.

“Okay” You whisper, voice quite.

“Joel, c’mon, leave her out of this”

Joel didn’t look at him. “Not helping her case, Tom” He nudges you with the gun. “Times up, open your eyes.”

You take a deep, steadying breath and open them, you are ready to try and lie, to save yourself, to save Tommy… you open your mouth. “I n-”

“I made her do it” Tommy’s voice broke out from behind Joel, causing him to turn around, and your knees gave out in relief. You only stop from hitting the floor because Lorenzo catches you, setting you down, and stepping away lest he get caught up in all this.

“Bullshit” Joel said, but you could see the gears turning.

“I did! It was her first time, and, I wanted it, that’s why I wanted you to wait” Tommy wasn’t the best liar, but he was trying to deflected it away from you.

“No,” Joel shook his head. “No, she bled when I took’er, I remember her bleed’n”

“Because you RAPED HER DRY, JOEL!” Tommy’s frustration with his brother boiled over. 

“Shut up!” Joel screamed, defensive. “I did no such thing!”

Tommy’s laugh was dry, sardonic. “You’re playing house with her, but you forget you kidnapped her! She’s not your wife, she’s a victim of your rape and abuse!”

“Shut! Up!” 

“Jesus CHRIST, Joel, she’s younger than Sarah would’ve been!”

“Don’t you fucking talk about her” Joel’s deadly calm was back. “You don’t fucking do that”

Tommy wouldn’t stop. “If Sarah were alive, she’d be disgusted with you, she’d never fucking talk to you-” 

The gun blast made you scream and cover your face, you aguely here Lorenzo, Jack, and a few others shout something.... you couldn’t look, knowing you’d see Tommy dead. All the times he had tried to help you, tried to ease things, and you had gotten him killed for taking your virginity. You sat back against the wall crying… you had gotten Tommy killed, Tommy died because of you… your fault, your fault, your fault... Suddenly, you are being dragged to stand up. “Get up!” Joel bellows, his strong arms dragging you to Tommy’s dead body and all you can do is scream hysterics. “Stand! Up!”

When you finally do stand, you open your eyes only to find Tommy still alive and kneeling before you, a gunshot in the wall above him. 

Joel pulls motions for another gun from Diego, and puts it in your hands, holding it still as he pulls his own gun back on your forehead. “Liste up, little one” His voice is soft, a feather light breath against your cheek as he leans close. He aims the gun at Tommy, the barrel between his eyes. “Tommy’s been running around behind my back with that cunt in Jackson, fucking her and telling her god knows what about me and my business”

“Joel, I swear, I never told her anything!” Tommy pleads.

You blink, and you can’t feel a little… betrayed… He was sleeping with someone?

Joel noticed.

“Awwww, did Tommy make you feel special?" He mocked you. "Tommy make you feel like you were the only one he was fucking, the only one he treated all nice. Guess what, little one, you're not special t him. I get he's got loads of other whores he fucked, you're just the little kept girl when he wants some naive pussy" Joel kisses your neck "But... You are special to me, you are the only one I’m fucking, you are the only women in my life, and yet… you still fuck around with Tommy." He sounds almost... hurt... "But I’m gracious, I’ve forgiving.” He forced you too look directly at him, and his eyes… they were soft again, the softness you couldn’t help fall for. “I love you, he doesn’t. Now.” Joel straightened up and stepped back, but the gun never left your head. “I’m gonna count down from ten, and if you shoot him, you proved yourself to me, and we can go on being happy, being together.” He kisses your cheek, smelling your hair as he pulled away. “If you don’t… and I reach 0, I blow your fucking brains out, okay?”

You begin crying.

“Joel, don’t do this to her”

“10… 9…”

“I can’t! Joel I’m sorry, Joel, I love you, I can’t kill him!”

“8… 7…”

“Honey look at me” Tommy’s desperate voice calls you, and you turn to him, his beautiful brown eyes looking up at your where he is kneeling, his dark, long hair tousled. He schooled his expressions, peace on his face for your sake. “It’s okay. Do it.”

“6… 5…”

“Tommy no, I can’t hurt you.” There's gotta be another way…

“It’s okay” He nods. “I’m ready. Right through the head, it’ll be quick.”

“4… 3..”

“I can’t” You sob.

“Yes, yes you can, it’s okay. Just do it, stay alive, and Joel will keep you safe.”

Tommy, sweet, kind Tommy… He would not die at your hands, and you would not die at Joels

“No.” You drop your gun to your side and turn to Joel; you can see the confusion in his eyes. “No, you won’t do it.”

“2… yes I will”

“Honey, it’s okay, I promise you-” But you weren’t listening to Tommy.

“No, you won’t hurt me. You love me too much”

“I will, 1”

You don’t blink. You keep your eyes locked on Joels, his deep brown eyes swimming with confliction and hurt… betrayal from both you and Tommy. 

But he doesn’t shoot you. Ever so slowly, you take the gun in your hand and put it back in his. You could’ve used it to shoot him… but it would’ve been useless and probably ended with a bullet in your head for real this time. Instead, Joel looks at you with nothing short of aw as he lowers his gun. You trusted him. You refuse a rescue, you knew he wouldn’t shoot you, and you give up your weapon to him… He owned you, completely.

“You won’t kill me. And you wont kill Tommy either, because you love both of us. You are going to let Tommy go, run off to Jackson, and Tommy is never going to divulge any of your secrets.” You turn to Tommy, who has sat back on his hunches, looking at you with confusion. “Because if he does, you’ll know who betrayed him” You tell Tommy with your eyes not to fuck this up. Then, back to Joel. “And then you and I can live here happily ever after, without anyone interfering.”

Joel stirred at you for a long while, considering his options… but he knew, deep down, he couldn’t kill either of you. He was furious at Tommy for his betrayal, for fucking that bitch Maria, for lying to him, for taking your virginity when that was suppossed to be his… but Tommy was his little brother. Long before Sarah died in his arms, long before this virus, long before the empire that he built that began as just trying to keep Tommy alive… it was him and Tommy, their whole lives. He was his brother, Joel had saved his skin again and again and Tommy had Joel’s back when Joel’s wife left him, and helped raise Sarah… Sarah… Tommy’s words stuck in his head, what would Sarah think of him? He wasn’t a rapist, despite what Tommy said, he wasn’t that kind of man… but he could be softer, he could’ve been better to the girl he kept locked up… Sarah, if she was watching somewhere, could never forgive him if Joel killed her uncle she adored so much…

“Lorenzo” Joel called, and the short hair man stepped up. “Get him the fuck outta here, dump him once he’s off my fucking property. And if anyone sees him here again, or if anyone sees her-” Joel points to you “Outside without anyone, shoot them.”

Lorenzo nodded, and began pulling Tommy away. Tommy gave one desperate look back at you, and was out the door before you could blink. 

You don’t have a second to process that your best friend just left you before Joel is pulling you into the bedroom, pushing you against the wall and shoving your pants down. He thrusts into you with no preparation and you stifle a whimper on your hand, but Joel pulls it down.

“Wanna here you cry, little one. That pain? The pain is mine. Your cries are mine, your cunt is mine. And if you bleed?” Just then, his face is right next to yours, his beard wiping the tears that rolled down your cheeks. “Your blood is mine. Got it?”

“Yes sir” You moaned out the way he likes to hear. You were growing wet embarrassingly fast, his cock hitting that lovely, lovely spot you loved so much and suddenly, you had forgotten about how he had almost killed you, the slap of skin and his arm groping your breasts, fingers playing with your nipples as he fucked into you drawing you closer. Joel came inside you, something he had only done after Nick, it was as if he was laying his claim, possessing you as his hot cum and some of your blood trickle down your leg. Joel had a new surprise for you.

He lifted you over his shoulder and tossed you onto the bed and you watched him crawl up to you, his eyes hungry and you had no idea what was possibly coming… when Joel began to lick your cunt, you were shocked, hips bucking up but Joel was quick to pin you down; he laid down in front of you on his stomach with his arms wrapped around your legs and christ, it was like he was trying to devour you. You felt his tongue reaching up inside you, his fingers playing with your clit the way only he knew how and the sensation was so new, so unreal, you weren’t sure how to take it. 

But you did. you took every single bit he gave you as he cleaned you up of his own spent, his tongue licking and sucking and slurping you up eagerly, plush lips devouring you whole as if he could eat you alive, keeping you with him forever and becoming a part of him like an unholy communion. His tongue laved out as he brought his mouth up and over your clit, making you shutter...

And when his mouth sloppily latched onto your clit and two thick fingers were fucking into you? You came in under a minute after that. 

“Fuuuuuuuck!”  You cry out as if all of today's events never happened. “Joel!” You scream out as you cum, not caring that Lorenzo might hear you, that he probably thinks you're pathetic for getting such pleasure from the man whose gun had kissed your forehead the way his lips kissed your cheek now as you reveled in the afterglow of your orgasm. You expected Joel to threaten you about what happened with Tommy, to wrap his fingers around your throat or grip your face harshly… but he just kissed you as he pulled you close, covering the two of you up. Still, you new he was references sleeping with Tommy, when his last words before bed were-

“Please don’t do that to me again.”

You cupped his face and assured him you’d never leave, that you are his.

You are his.

*******************

bye bye tommy : (

out of curiousity, i have a lil pole

Thank you to everyone who comments, likes and especially reblogs!

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[lost-act]

An Informal Analysis of Metamorphosis That I Need for School but I Can't Write Anything so I Decided to do The Old Fashion Way of Writing It By Using Tumblr and Now I Hope Turnitin Doesn't Detect My Paper Being Plagiarized or Else I Have to Archive This Post or Something...Also Using ザムザ by Teniwoha as a Basis for Deeper Understanding and Analysis of the Story

Ok so we all know Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis, right? It's a pretty surreal story of Gregor Samsa turning into an insect (no, not a roach. You're being overrated at this point). What kind of insect? Varies from telling to telling and I'd rather imagine him being a beetle of sorts rather than a roach because dear god I am traumatized of roaches.

Well, in fairness the entire ordeal of "Samsa turned into a bug" is just surface level knowledge of WHAT Metamorphosis is. The bigger picture is beyond "turning into a bug" but rather the "isolation and alienation" from the "turning into a bug". Why did Gregor turn into a bug? Beats me. That's why I'm writing this, and why you're reading this.

Basic rundown is that, obviously, Gregor turned into a bug, his entire family tried to cope with it until his father started throwing apples at him, everyone started to ignore him, Insect!Gregor dies to starvation, and everyone has started to plan on moving on.

Easy right?

WELL THAT'S WHERE WE'RE WRONG!

You see, despite the glaring lack of sources because this is just my rambles for a more professional paper, we can dig a bit deeper to this analysis of what Metamorphosis really means because so far...I'm literally on the idea of "ah yes...this could definitely mean the sense of alienation and isolation coming from a change no one asked for".

And yes I am basing this off of Samsa by Teniwoha. Yes this falls under pop culture reference for Metamorphosis.

(This is the OG Vocaloid ver.)

(And this is the PJSK ver.)

(Here's one with an EN Fanlation of the lyrics)

Yes it's very obvious as to WHY I picked this story for my analysis in college. ALL IN THE NAME OF VOCALOID- anyways.

I'll be sticking with the theme of "alienation and isolation from an abrupt change no one saw coming or asked for". Can I expound on this? I don't know because I am lowkey also basing this off of the Vocaloid song as well. Not gonna lie...this analysis might be heavily influenced by the song Samsa and the event that it was made for. Ifg the name of the event but it also references towards Metamorphosis in a way that Mafuyu's mom hates how Mafuyu changed from being an "ideal daughter" to a "delinquent child" (sounding familiar now?).

"I beg you, please don't throw those apples at me" (EN Fanlation of ザムザ)

So...where should we begin?

Right...The Author himself: Franz Kafka.

So Franz Kafka is an Austrian-Czech novelist famous for his novel "The Metamorphosis". Kafka has a strained relationship with his father, which is pretty evident as he referred to him as being "authoritarian and demanding" (Wikepedia, though this is a direct reference to Letter To His Father as well). On a professional standpoint, he worked in insurance companies which he dreaded because it took the time away from his writing (I don't blame him). It's also here that his father only sees Franz's job as a "bread job" (Wikepedia...again...trust me I'll get better sources guys) where it's basically all just for the bills. His personal life is interesting, to say the least, as it mirrors some characteristics seen in the story.

On another note, The Metamorphosis was published in 1915. What was going on in 1915? World War 1, obviously, fellow history nerds. Well...to be honest there's not a lot of context behind this because The Metamorphosis has heavy references that point towards Franz Kafka's personal life. The pressure of his father to how Gregor's job was basically to pay the debt of his father and the bills (aka being the breadwinner) mirrors to him having a "bread job". I'd like to confess I'm just reading stuff off the internet and Kafka writing The Metamorphosis in three weeks after writing The Judgement. (Sparknotes my beloved thank you). Metamorphosis took like- three years of persuasion for Kafka to get it published out and about.

Another note to take up on is Marx's theory of alienation which is basically more or less about estrangement of people from their human nature. How so? well it's a consequence due to labor division and social class...

So time for a deep dive towards Marx’s theory of alienation because this is something we need to understand rq.

Ok so basically, Marx’s theory of alienation is under ✨Marxism✨ (that’s not exaggeration because this is Karl Marx we’re talking about). The theory of alienation covers different forms of alienation (derived from this guy called Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel) which is objective, subjective, and complete.

Objective: the social world they inhabit is not a home. Could be experienced as a metaphysical fact (extentialism)

Subjective: a) world they inhabit IS a home but they FAIL to understand it, and; b) world they inhabit is NOT a home, yet they BELIEVE it is.

Complete: basically both, seen in the condition of the contemporary world

By the way I just pulled all of this out of Wikipedia so feel free to do a deeper dive because that’s what I’ll do later.

So with this out of the way, how the fuck does Marx see this? Let’s just first off say CAPITALISM right off the bat and then things will start getting obvious.

It’s here that Marx distinguishes alienated labour, specifically the alienation of the worker because of alienated labour. It’s here that it’s identified into four dimensions of alienated labor:

From product of his labour

From worker’s own activity

From species-being

From other human beings

I know I should be explaining what each of these mean, but I’m on my wits end but yeah.

(Yes I’m still referencing Wikipedia)

But overall, Marx’s alienation theory (derived from Hegel and Feuerbach) primarily takes a jab towards the capitalistic cycle that everyone’s stuck in and that those who fall deeper into it slowly get consumed by it and suffer the consequences of alienation.

[Someone remind me to write on this later or maybe organize this cuz holy shit man…talking with someone rn and like- talked about a person’s value…which is pretty interesting and something I might talk on as well because that made me realize it as well which can tie with in the new theme that my group decided on]

So

It's time for us to confront the elephant in the room:

What could The Metamorphosis be possibly about?

I would like to give a nod to the vocaloid songs mentioned above for being a ground base that I started building this idea from (Yes, the vocaloid songs play heavy reference towards the story to the point it had taken lines that reference events in the book).

"The abrupt change Gregor Samsa underwent caused dissatisfaction within his family, leading towards a slow descent of alienation and soon...his isolation over his surreal metamorphosis."

[I apologize for the shitty thesis statement, these things are the death of me, ngl.]

[Update: my group changed the main theme again so now we have “questioning social constructs/roles and status quo regarding labor” or something…which can also tie in to what i discussed with someone because holy fuck how did i not see that now….]

Then again…it could also be something along the lines of:

“The “metamorphosis” of Gregor Samsa resulted into a slow descent of alienation and isolation, which itself brings out the questions of a person’s “value” as a “human being” and if they have any “value” as the persistence of such alienation deprives someone of their human nature.”

(Okay, looking at it now, I think that’s way better to look at but then again I feel like we’re still not hitting any points…EH THIS IS A RANDOM RAMBLE DRAFT FOR A REASON)

Samsa's abrupt change brought about...a mix of feelings within the family. His father's disdain on him, because Gregor was basically the source of income for the house hold. His mother crying because he's turned into a bug. And his sister, Grete, who still tries to help him in some way (spoiler: she got tired of Gregor’s bullshit towards the end).

I think the fact that it's just out of nowhere and out right supernatural for Gregor to turn into a giant insect. Why is there this transformation and whatnot. Why Gregor out of all unfortunate souls???

Yet I think the reason as to why could also be a mirror to the author's own feeling of alienation.

I'm not sure if it's of any importance but Gregor does have some hobbies (woodworking) that he does on the side. Then again it's too small of a pin to try and hook something to it.

Thing is...Gregor has not broken his routine in the 5-ish years of his job so it's pretty difficult to get a pinpoint somewhere to frame on. Then looking back again to what his “value” is to his family being the sole income earner…it could be inferred that this abrupt “uselessness” in Gregor’s value after transforming has been a form of possible alienation that stemmed from the capitalistic cycle he’s stuck in (this is a very big stretch because I have yet to fully analyze the theory of alienation).

Maybe breaking it down in three parts can help our scatter brain selves cuz holy fuck we got a lot to unpack here and I have no idea if anything I'll write will make any sense because this thing is due at 5pm on a weekend.

I would also like to note that I will be doing a LOT of cross-referencing here and there

Part 1

Gregor turns into a bug

Everyone is mortified

Accidentally hurts himself in trying to run away from his now furious father

This entire "turning into a bug" ordeal is a slap on the face on the symbolism and overall theme of "turning into something else abruptly". Gregor's now a "vermin" of sorts; not just a bug, but someone despicable. He's now a "problem" for the household to deal with (though it's still unknown to WHY he suddenly turned to being a "problem" when in fact he's been doing everything to bring food to the table...I'll probs write further on this because it's very interesting).

[WHY DID GREGOR TURN INTO A "VERMIN" WHEN HE'S BEEN WITHERING AWAY???]

I find the way Mr. Samsa acted to be somewhat a mirror to the strictness of Kafka's own father towards him.

(Ok I’m awake now do yeah)

How does this relate to the theory of alienation, you ask? Well…not entirely to be honest because I said that up there for reference if I do end up saying it here but I think it can connect in a way that it isolates him from his family. Now what I’m saying is pretty much a stretch to what it originally means of “alienated labor alienates the labor from other humans” (which is more or less alienating workers from one another in means of competitive socio-economic activity). Though Gregor’s transformation does bring this thought of the discussion of human worth while they are still considered “human”.

(Actually maybe if i just remember to reiterate my points then maybe I can be more consistent)

Gregor’s worth in his family here is being the main source of income. But when he became a bug, that worth is now at a loss and that coincides with the consideration if he’s still really “human”. Going back to my previous 3 am thought of Gregor “withering away”, Gregor WAS indeed withering away because of how cyclical his life has become. His days have become rather redundant that it could be seen to suck the human-ess out of him. I guess that’s where the other part, the humanity, that Gregor has that disappeared in an instant. I find that the metamorphosis that happened here, despite its absurdity, is the most evident form of metamorphosis that happened to Gregor. What it might possibly be is still vague so I’m probably gonna try to shoot some darts in the dark here.

The alienation that occurred to Gregor is the change of his “value” in “society” (in this case, his family). This alienation led to the perception of his family towards him as “less than human” now that he’s a bug (even though it can be of literal here). Then it leads to his “isolation” where they lock him away in his room.

Part 2

Everyone locked Gregor in his room

His sister, Grete, tries to tend to him

Gregor gives everyone a heart attack

Mr. Samsa starts throwing apples at Gregor for the mishap

Ok so this is where the "alienation" and "isolation" starts to come into play, chat. First the isolation...which already started in part 1 of The Metamorphosis by locking Gregor away in his room because of his...unsightly appearance (LOOK- HE'S A LARGE BUG ALRIGHT?!). So this is where the sense of alienation starts to settle in slowly.

Grete, Gregor’s sister, tries her best to tend to him by feeding him every now and then. This then went on to her moving his stuff in his room out after seeing that Gregor has decided on roaming around as a past time as a bug. His mother also comes in the picture, though with wishing to see Gregor again. This didn’t really end well especially when they were moving Gregor’s stuff out of his room. To Gregor, he refuses to have what reminded him of his “humanity” away. He then proceeded to cling on to the framed portrait, in hopes that his mother and sister doesn’t move it away from his room. From here, Mrs. Samsa gets shocked and faints which made Grete go out to get the smelling salts. Gregor goes down from where he was to see what happened but was met with his now furious father. Mr. Samsa started to hurl apples at him, one of which landed a hit on him and injured him.

With that summary out, this slow descent into Gregor’s further alienation is starting to stem from any hopes that Gregor is still with them even if he’s stuck as being an insect. Grete’s actions lean towards some hope in Gregor’s “humanness” is still there. Arguably so, her actions are perceived as seeing the loss of “human” of Gregor since he’s handicapped.

Mr. Samsa’s response, however, is the sealing point of this alienation. He has visible frustrations in having to go back to work to provide after 5 years of being retired because Gregor took upon the role of being the income source.

Ah…I should’ve mentioned the role of Gregor playing a role towards the slow demise…

Gregor’s role as the main income source meant all expectations being placed on him to be able to pay off the debts and keep the family afloat. His “value” in his family is placed high because he’s the one bringing in the money. Though ironically, his “value” in his company is “replaceable” (yippie, capitalism) as he’s literally at the brink due to his performance. And if not his performance, he is at most replaceable.

Now that he’s basically a handicapped (BUG), his value is literally gone. I mean— what can a bug even do?

I find it here that the role his sister had of being carefree is slowly being stripped away. Gregor had plans in helping her and enrolling her into a conservatory. But now that he’s nothing but a useless bug that everyone is disgusted at, Grete has no choice but to step up.

Part 3

Everyone started ignoring Gregor cuz they’re all working

Eventually they forgot about Gregor

The Charwoman they hired is the one who still recognizes Gregor to some extent

Grete’s violin playing leading to Gregor offending the hell out of the tenants

Family discussion on getting rid of him

Gregor just dying off to starvation instead

The Samsas moving on in a way (notably speaking on the ending as well)

This is the part where the alienation, isolation, and the decline of human value really shines. Why? Because it’s the third part and holy fuck this is where we get existential (not really).

So a lot is going on in the third part unlike the previous two parts.

Gregor’s isolation here is growing more and more since everyone started working to stay afloat. With that, they turned his room into a storage closet, which defeated the original purpose of Grete’s first initiative of giving her brother more space to roam around. It’s here as well that Gregor doesn’t eat all that much, either because everyone slowly forgot about him or him going on a hunger strike. I find it ironic that among everyone who remains in the household, the Charwoman (a widowed old lady who comes by every now and then to help with he chores) is the only one who still acknowledges Gregor (though as a silly little dung beetle) .

Actually I still wonder why the Charwoman is the one that still has some acknowledgement towards Gregor when everyone just slowly moved away from him. (Hmm maybe I should dissect that idea later.)

It’s in this chapter that Grete turns against Gregor after the mishap that happened after him making appearance in front of the tenants that rented a room in the apartment. She was the first one who offered on the idea of getting rid of that “vermin”.

Gregor’s value is literally gone at this point, not only just that but he’s completely alienated and seen as “inhuman” (in a way that is no longer human). His family no longer sees the human nature that he once had when he was human and had some use. It’s at this point where they see him as nothing more than a vermin and that itself led to him just proceeding to die off alone. (Update: I had a double check and apparently Gregor died because of the injury from the apple being yeeted at him... So his dad was the one who killed him ultimately... W H O O P S)

It’s with that the burden is released from the family after hearing word from the Charwoman that “it” has died and she is off to dispose of the corpse. The story closes off with the Samsas going to the countryside and planning on moving to a smaller place. Here, Mr. And Mrs. Samsa realized Grete’s growth to being a fine young woman.

So…

That’s that I guess…

Really this part confuses me a lot because I don’t really know what to say. On one hand this could be beyond just alienation and isolation stemming from the loss of value of one’s human nature. On the other, this is a cycle that continues to persist. The deprecating nature of what is considered valuable in a human is what can lead towards the alienation and soon, isolation, of a person. Mostly seen in the fourth dimension of Marx’s alienated labor is alienation from other humans which more or less describes alienating workers from one another through socio-economic means (think of pay difference or something similar to prevent them from banding together and whatnot). Though in this case, the alienation is more evident in the measure of the person’s worth. Since Gregor isn’t a person anymore, his worth is basically useless and thus he’s slowly being alienated.

Man…I think that’s as straightforward as it seems now…

“Gregor Samsa was alienated due to his lack of worth in his family’s eyes.”

Then again it can’t be THAT easy.

Can it?

To close things off because I ran out of ideas to write, I’d like to say that I might make a follow up analysis that’s more…formal to say the least. As well as an analysis that tackles both the vocaloid song and the novel. For now…my ideas have ran their run and it’s time for me to write my formal essay.

The Metamorphosis stands to me as an enigma as to what it truly means. A short three chaptered story that could cover topics such as the actual metamorphosis of certain characters to the alienation that is discussed here. Marx’s theory of alienation has heavy influence on many of Kafka’s works with The Metamorphosis being one of them. I was challenged at some point by another friend of mine to figure out why The Metamorphosis is considered “non-fiction”. I am not sure if I’ll ever get a proper answer for it.

The story of The Metamorphosis could also be some sentiment Kafka had as well in his actual life, especially with his relationship with his father. Having preference to write while being pressured to be more rational by one’s father could bring forth that feeling of alienation of not being understood. Just like how no one understood what Gregor said when he was turned into a bug. To be alienated is to also be isolated from society. Hegel’s identification of the different forms of alienation can be referenced by identifying that the form of alienation being seen here as the complete form of alienation.

Why haven’t I discussed this earlier? Well because I was too busy trying to figure shit out.

But yes…the complete form of alienation is both on the subjective and objective kind. The world Gregor is placed in (in a social context) is a repetitive cycle that eats itself over and over again. It’s the kind that is self-sabotaging in a way that either you leave it or it eats you alive. As for Gregor’s own home, at some point he failed to make sense of the home his family is trying to make way for him. But in part 3, the home Gregor once knew is no longer a home that welcomed him, it is one that saw him as a “vermin” that needed to be rid of.

All in all, it’s difficult to make sense of the weight of human value and any remnants of Gregor’s human nature post-transformation. His sister’s growing frustration against him bears this lack of empathy to understand Gregor anymore. Imagine that…being backstabbed by someone who first tried to be kind for you. Oh what alienation does to people… as well as the fact that the shift in the value their parents now hold for Greta seeing that she also metamorphosed into a young woman of “value” (married off). I think it’s here as well in seeing this shift in value fitting Marx’s forms of alienation aka “from humans”.

[Look, I’m lowkey rambling here and sound like I don’t know what I’m saying but that’s because I don’t know what I’m saying]

That’s all…I’ll also be archiving this tomorrow but I’ll put it back up in a few days after my essays’ been graded.

Wish me luck on my madness.

[srarlight]

Just a little status update that mentions some medical stuff under the cut.

This gauntlet of sick dad and emergencies expenses is still ongoing since last year, but I’m happy to say the house is almost sold so they can have that money vs the bank taking it. Now they can settle into a RV or the likes. That’s a small blessing as my dad goes into his surgery today. Probably not going to have a foot when he comes out the other end but I really hope this signals the uptick in healing and not him just perpetually hurt and in the ER off and on forever. Been a wild one! Just felt like checking in again with this space since a lot of the folks who reached out to help by buying art came from tumblr. I’m nearing the end of the commission Que I took on to help off set the costs of the emergency but it all got done at a much slower rate then I liked but it’s been an interesting balancing act of making sure I take the time for thing important to me in this haze of- least you lose the ability to do so forever- vibe. And then also truth be told got a lot of grieving done in there for my folks and their situation which made focusing on art hard.

But I feel like in my bones they might finally catch a break even if they have to live without a proper home to get it. They’ll have shelter and it’ll be a frugal situation but it’s not one where my dad is forced to keep working while severely hurt just because if he stopped they’d immediately get steam rolled by debt and bills. He just got full disability which means he can finally drop 2 out of his three jobs. He’ll probably still do small time freelance stuff but I really just wanted him to not be an absurdly on point metaphor for the working class being grinded to dust despite doing everything right outside of not being born rich, having a human body, and having family with medical needs. It’s crazy how if I had my dads job as a young person with no kids and limited bills I’d be doing phenomenally well, but despite my dad grinding his way into a union electrician job- by the time he got it the family had already dealt with one to many surgeries and near death medical bills for it to help. It’s wild and I hate it. You do everything right and break your body for the companies and your still left with a missing foot and a life where your gonna move in with your elderly mom with your family until you can secure a RV. Bah I could go on forever upset about it but the long and short of it is that I want my parents to get the means to just sit on a porch of some kind and REST. Get a dang break. Maybe that’ll happen soon. Dad says they’ll visit me immediately once he’s better and the thought makes me very weepy in a good way. 🥹

At any rate I’m going to do my darnedest to finish my commission que and then get RGs update out the door which I’ve been chipping away at anyways for a for me mental break. Got like 20 pages sketched and postable if in the end I decide to not color them at all. We shall see I’m still excited for that project so I want to do some lighting at the very least but in the end if I need to post just to get the story out I will!

[bl-bracket]

Deserved Better Round 2: Joe (My Stand In) vs Sin Juyeong (Let Free the Curse of Taekwondo)

[Submitted Reasons Under Cut]

Joe: "his series should be renamed "poor joe the series"- the man gets put through EVERYTHING. he has no family, is all on his own, craves connections. he gets paired with this other guy (sol) who flees to south korea to get away from joe and his gay ass, he becomes a stunt double for this asshole actor, people fall in love with the asshole (tong) because of joe and joe's back in his stunts, joe gets no credit for being the stunt double, tongs brother-in-law ming falls in love with tong based off his back in a movie that's actually joe's back, ming uses joe as a substitute for tong, joe thinks they genuinely love each other, ming treats him like a horribly, sol comes back and is all buddy buddy with joe again, ming gets jealous and hurtful, ming gets drunk and accidentally calls joe for tong, joe is heartbroken and tries to break up with ming, ming won't let him do that, tong gets ming to detain joe so he wont arrive to a gala that would kickstart joe's own acting career, ming fucking decks him with a baseball bat and ties him to his sofa, joe manages to escape and with a ruined career he has no where to run to so he goes to do stunts in a shitty movie out of the country, fucking dies, and gets put in another guy named joe's body. he gets a mom (yay) but also a lot of medical debt (nay) and has to GO BACK TO STUNT DOUBLING to pay it off. now joe2s body look like joe1s body from the back, so everyone sees him as a stand-in for HIMSELF. and they treat him as such. Ming even fucking *buys* him for a year to be his own stand-in, all to pay for his mother and etc. slowly people start figure out that he is joe1, and everyone gets mad at him for not telling them (???) and oh also he never gets to mourn himself. he gets treated even worse by ming and everyone fights over him all the time. he just wants to be loved and domestic, man. he gets back together with ming only to be used by tong as a scapegoat for the loansharks thats after tong. even tong is like "man, this is too cruel for even me atp" and they go to rescue him. joe dies. AGAIN. but comes back bc he is hopelessly, irrevocably, in love with ming. ming gets seminirmal and actually treats him different (better) but like. no one else like ever says sorry to him or anything. and they, including joe, lowkey blames joe for parts of everything."

"Joe essentially had his life ruined including actually dying all because Ming thought his back was hot and got insanely obsessed with him. Joe was kidnapped, killed, body swapped, used as a stand-in boyfriend by Ming twice, etc and he still was so incredibly kind. He even comes back from the dead one last time because he can’t bear to make Ming sad. This man is essentially perfect and the world shits on him constantly."

"Sure it may have worked out in the end, but the ride there was miserable for him. He was stuck working in the shadow of Tong. Thought things were starting to look up for him when he started dating Ming, but jokes on him, Ming only wanted him because he couldn’t have Tong. He got fucking whack-a-mole’s and chained up in Ming’s attic because Tong called and said “hey can you ruin Joe’s career for me real quick”. Got black listed from the entertainment industry. FELL OF A FUCKING CLIFF AND DIED. And then came back and had to keep dealing with Ming. Joe is a better man than me, I’d have been committing crimes left and right if I had to deal with all of that, but no despite it all he continued being a genuinely nice guy who just wanted to have a normal relationship with his boyfriend."

Sin Juyeong: "He loved him for 12 years and Dohoe really didn't appreciate him at all"

"This man waited a decade for the boy he loved, only for the boy to grow up and be a jerk to him! Sin Ju Yeong was kicked out of his Christian household probably for being gay, abandoned by his adoptive parents, and sent to the middle of nowhere, yet tried to protect Lee Do Hoe from his abusive father only to be punished further! He took care of Lee Do Hoe's dad in hopes that Lee Do Hoe would eventually reappear, then when Lee Do Hoe did, it was at his father's funeral, and he was completely dismissive and very rude to Sin Ju Yeong. Then he just continued to be mean! He tried to embarrass Sin Ju Yeong at dinner. He talked about the restaurants he ate at, the wallet he used, and everything else about Sin Ju Yeong. And then he had the audacity to yell at Sin Ju Yeong that Sin Ju Yeong's life was easy so he wouldn't understand his pain when Ju Yeong was trying to help him. Sin Ju Yeong is a saint for trying to help a man who was hellbent on hurting him, and for that, Sin Ju Yeong deserves better than that mean little man."

[mageofseven]

The Brothers & Dia Walk in After a Fight

This is based off of this song, which I've been listening to a lot these last few days. This was a very random bit of writing I did. I had urge to write it so I did. I meant to write for all of the Boys, but then I got really emotionally exhausted so I stopped at Dia.

Scenario: MC and their boyfriend get into a fight, ending with the human breaking up with them and abruptly leaving the room and the man utterly confused and in pain.

He eventually goed looking for MC and finds them playing the piano and singing this song. He waits for the song to end before talking about things with them.

TW: child abuse, neglect, and a gore-y description in Satan's section.

•▪︎▪︎◇°●♡●°◇▪︎▪︎•

Lucifer:

"Love..." The pride demon watched them from entrance of the music room.

The human's hands were still floating over the piano keys. Their head hung low and their eyes stayed glued to the instrument.

"It's not you..." MC said softly. "I thought...I thought you were like him. And that was comforting for a while...and scary."

Lucifer pursed his lips and listened. He knew who they were talking about: their father, a man with an high and mighty opinion of himself, who always put himself first, but in truth was a man broken by life.

MC has told him about their father before. Lucifer had pledged to treat them better than he ever did, but no matter what he did, the past had its claws dug deep into his love.

"I'm sorry..." A tear slid down on onto a white key. "The problem isn't you; it's me. It'll always me."

The pride demon strode over and leaned down before hugging them from behind.

"Love, you aren't a problem--"

"Lucifer--" MC turned around to meet his eyes. "I'm...I'm broken. You know this."

The human put a hand on one of his arms and squeezed it.

"I don't know how to have a healthy relationship. I-I just see my parents in my head...see how he treated her. I don't know else to be than how I've seen."

"You can still heal from it all." Luce told them. "Your childhood is not a death sentence. You can be different than your parents; we can be different from them."

MC shook their head.

"I don't know..." They whispered. "Lucifer...I need time."

The demon watched his love for a moment longer before kissing their head.

"Understood, Love."

Mammon:

The second brother just stood awkwardly in the doorway. After he got his head screwed back on right, he ran after them, but didn't expect...this.

"Mammon...just go." MC kept their eyes down at the piano as they shooed him away.

"Hell no!" The demon rushed over to them them and leaned in to try to meet their eyes. "Babe, we aren't ending things like this."

MC closed their eyes, refusing to meet his gaze.

"You're just like him and I can't keep doing this to myself..."

Mammon has been trying to handle his debt situation, mostly due to MC's encouragement. They even started working part to help him clear it, despite his protests

And Mammon went and fucked it up by charging another 5k to his card and hid the invoices under his mattress, as if the human couldn't see the corner of the papers stick out.

Not only did he rack his debt up higher, he tried to hide it from his partner.

This set MC off and scared them into thinking he's just like their father.

Mammon knew about that scumbag. He chose to spend his money on alcohol and expensive watches while his wife worried how she was gonna get food on the table for three kids and wore raggedy, holey clothes.

But Mammon wasn't like that! Yeah, he has his issues, but if actually had a wife and kids depending on his income, he'd be way better with his finances!

"Babe..." He stared at them. "I'm not like that scumbag. I would never let you starve like he did."

Tears fell down their cheeks as MC had a flashback from their childhood. They probably weren't even in kindergarten yet or maybe they had only started it, when MC looked up at their mom and told her they were hungry, only for the woman to scream at them, saying 'What do you want me to do? We have no food!'.

"Babe. Babe!" Mammon had both hands on the sides of their head and leaned in close to meet their eyes. "It's okay. C'mon, you're not there, Babe. You're here with me. Everything's gonna be fine."

MC stared up into to their boyfriend's blue eyes before jumping from their seat and throwing their arms around him.

"Promise me." They said softly in his ear. "Promise me you won't turn out like him."

Mammon squeezed them tight.

"'Course not." He told them. "Imma put you first. Always."

Leviathan:

The envy demon was frozen in the door way. He didn't know why he ran here; he should have just ran to his room like always. The fear of losing MC took over his body though and he found himself following the music.

If MC knew he was there, the human showed no signs of such. Even when the song ended, they just hung their head and occasionally shook it.

Finding the courage within himself, Levi stepped forward.

"Henry..."

"You know..." The human began. "He wasn't always who is now...he just let his insecurities corrupt him till...till my mother didn't know who he was anymore."

Levi winced. He knew what they were implying. The envy demon's jealousy and insecurities have been pretty bad lately. The man just couldn't help it though. He still couldn't believe that out of all his brothers that MC chose him and as much as that made him happy, it also felt like bad judgement on the human's part.

After the childhood they've had...Levi couldn't blame them for comparing him to their father. Maybe he really is as bad as that bastard or maybe he's sliding in that direction with no brakes in sight.

Because of these thoughts, the man couldn't bring himself to say a single thing for the longest minute of his life.

MC sighed.

"Go back to your room, Levi." They told him, fingers back on the piano keys. "I don't think we have anything to talk about right now."

Satan:

The wrath demon was sitting on the bench next to the human. When he enter the room and saw them playing this song, he felt no need to hand around the edges of the room. His place was right next to his Kitten after all.

When the song ended, MC neither spoke nor looked at the man next to them despite his eyes on them.

"I know what's going through your head, Kitten." He said softly. "I scared you and now you are comparing me to...that man."

Devil, he hated that man. If Satan was allowed to, he would hunt his Kitten's father down, rip his spine from his body and shove it down his throat.

MC's father was a drunk and an angry one at that. Anything had the potential to set him off and send him on a rampage. Punch holes in the wall, dent appliances, throw the computer around till I was a just a broken box of loose pieces. His destruction was mostly to his environment, but occasionally he would actually dare to hit MC and their siblings, just to randomly calm down and suddenly to hug and kiss them on the couch, like none of it ever happened.

Satan's...lost of control had scared MC and reminded them of their childhood. By the time he cooled down, he saw the look in their eyes. His Kitten was no longer there. They were relieving the past, a memory too traumatic for them to function with. When they came back to, they screamed at him to stop, that they were over, and ran away.

"I-I had a flashback." MC said in a shaky voice. "We...were in my mom's room watching TV. We heard the front door of the apartment open and a bunch of crashing, slamming, screaming, cussing..."

MC started crying and the blonde rubbed their back in comfort, causing them to lean into him.

"We all jumped out of bed, even Mom." The human sniffled. "The three of us hugged Mom's leg and cried. Eventually, she left us alone in her room so she could go out and try to calm him. The screaming got worse. He threw a chair against the wall...I thought he was gonna hurt Mama."

Satan lifted the human up and sat them on his lap, holding them tightly.

"I know it was very scary for you, Kitten." He kissed the side of their head and rubbed their arm. "But I'll never hurt you like that, you know this."

MC sniffled.

"I don't like seeing you angry."

"I know. I'm working on it though. For myself and you."

His Kitten was delicate. He always had to keep this in mind.

Asmodeus:

"Dolly!!!"

After the final note of the song, Asmo launched himself at the human, hugging them close.

The man didn't realize just how bad of a headspace they were stuck in today. He didn't know and continued to talk about himself all day and it triggered so much pain within them.

"Doll, I am so, so sorry!" He squeezed them.

MC didn't even have to say it; the lust demon remembered just how self-centered their father was. He knew how sensitive they could be about this sort of thing and he didn't blame them at all for their outburst.

"Azzy..." Tears poured down their cheeks. "Don't leave me. I'm sorry..."

"Doll..." The demon started peppering kisses all over their face. "I could never, ever leave you so don't go thinking such bad thoughts."

The couple obviously had a lot to work through. Asmo was willing to help his Dolly work through all of it though.

Beelzebub:

Beel stood right behind the human as they played their song. When the music ended, the big guy slowly and gently reach out to the human, laying his hand on their shoulder.

"Muffin?"

"I'm sorry." MC whispered before sniffling. "I'm so sorry..."

Beel bent down and picked up his human from the bench. He held them close, even rocked them gently.

"You don't need to apologize."

"I shouldn't have talked to you like that..." MC said softly. "It just hurts too much. You're too good for me, I-I..."

"Shh." He continued to rock them. "It's okay."

The demon has heard this all before. With how they grew up...well, the human wasn't used to having a healthy relationship, to say the least. They've seen so many awful things...but never again.

Beel was here for his Muffin. Trauma isn't something easy to recover from, but he'll be here for them every step of the way.

Belphegor:

Belphie laid on the ground behind the human, arms outstretched and staring up at the ceiling. He listened to the whole song like this.

Once the last key was hit, MC lowered their hands and let silence hang between them. Slowly, the human slid off the bench and joined him on the ground. The demon wrapped his arm around them and let them lay their head on his chest.

And still, the two said nothing because what was there left to say? The couple has been stuck in this cycle for so long at this point. They're good then suddenly they're not, MC lashes out and cries else where, Belphie comforts them and then the're good again.

It was an exhausting cycle...but that's how it went. It wasn't MC's fault they went through what they did as a child. It wasn't their fault that they felt it's affects to this day.

All the seventh brother could do is be there for them each time. After all, he loved his Human more than anything. Plus...he owes them. Majorly. After all, he added to their trauma the night he killed them and he can never take it back.

Belphie was gonna take care of them. No matter what.

Diavolo:

Dia only recently bought his Queen the piano and had not heard them play it till now.

And what a way to hear them play. After a fight, as they sing about their deep seated trauma that plagues them to this day.

He knew about his Queen's parents, how they fought their whole marriage, how their father would talk down to and emotionally abuse their mother, how their mother would take out all of her pain on her children...

Both of their parents grew up in abusive households and let that abuse trickle down into how they treated their kids. Human life...it sounded so complicated to the prince.

Because of all of this, Dia knew the human only lashed out because they were in pain.

Before MC even finished the song, their boyfriend came up behind them and set both hands on their shoulders. The human just kept playing.

When the song ended, Dia gave their shoulders a gentle squeeze before sitting next to them on the bench.

"Do you feel any better?"

The human shook their head and avoided his gaze.

The pince reached out and took their hand in his and gave it a soft squeeze.

"Take all the time you need. I'm right here."

The human looked over and gave him a small, sad smile.

MC hoped a day would come when they wouldn't be so afraid. What they had with Diavolo though...it felt like a dream. So they were waiting to wake up, to have their heart crushed, to discover that things were not as they seemed.

MC was used to heartbreak. What they weren't used to was love.

[iheart-nana]

xxxvii. home is where the heart is

☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩⋆｡° ✮

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN ─ home is where the heart is.

❛ i know it's always about me, i love you, i'm sorry ❜

Choi Eunyoung's Perspective

Every cell in my body seemed to be screaming at me to run. To go back home. But, somehow I felt like my feet were rooted to the ground as I stood in the deserted playground. A tall streetlight peered over the area, which was the only source of illumination on that moonless night. The stars had disappeared from the sky, as if to express their disapproval at my irrational decision. I wasn't able to control myself. I had let my curiosity get the better of me, and I had showed up at the spot my father decided would be our meeting spot.

I wanted to believe so badly that he had changed. That he was trying to set things right. There was a part of me that wanted to meet him and tell him that I missed him. And that if he wanted to come back, I would let him. I wanted to believe that I was worthy, and maybe I could finally have a proper family in the stereotypical way. I had spent my entire life watching kids get treated with love and care by their fathers, and not once had I experienced such a bond.

Then, I spotted him. His face had weathered and become worn due to time, but it was undoubtedly him. Chiseled, sharp features with curly, messy hair that hung around his eyes. His previously clean shaven face had now grown a beard. He flashed a smile, approaching me and siting down on the bench next where I was standing.

"You've grown up so well," he whispered.

The pride in his voice made my heart swell with a strange kind of warmth. "Mom did a good job, huh?"

"That, she did," he agreed, the weary smile on his face never ceasing. It was then that I noticed the bags under his eyes.

"You seem tired," I observed, worried.

"It's nothing," he said rather abruptly. The smile suddenly fell from his face and his blinking gaze wandered, pretending to scan their surroundings. I found his sudden shift in behavior quite strange, and a confused frown formed on my face. He turned to me again, but didn't look in my eyes.

"Eunyoung, actually," He began, rubbing his hands against each other, thinking of what to say.

"What is it?"

"I have a favor to ask you," he mumbled out, but Eunyoung heard his voice sound loud and clear, ringing in her ears, "I'm actually in a lot of debt right now. I can barely afford my rent, and everything is falling apart. If you could just talk to your mother and convince her-"

"Stop!" I cried out, my voice shaking with rage and disappointment. My eyes burned with tears and I had to gather all my strength to speak, "Just- just, shut up. I should have known. Why else would you come back? Have you ever stopped to think how much damage you caused? You can't just waltz back into our life and expect that we'll welcome you with open arms. I was the idiot to believe anything you said. Just, get lost, I swear!"

"But Eunyoung, we're family?"

"Family?" I repeated, my voice trembling, as tears began spilling out of my eyes, "You don't get to call me or mom your family. You lost that privilege the moment you packed your bags and left home."

He opened his mouth to spit out another pathetic excuse, but I had finally had enough. I bolted out of there, mustering all the willingness inside me to get away from him. The tears spilled out uncontrollably, blurring my vision as my legs propelled me forward in the direction of home.

 💿

Even as I reached Sunjae's dad's restaurant, I couldn't stop crying. All my hopes had been shattered by my father's careless words and demeanor. I heaved another heavy sob, that choked up my throat and made my heart ache with uncontrollable sorrow. 

Instead of going home, I went the opposite way, stopping near a wall where I was sure no one I know could find me. My knees feeling suddenly weak and wobbly, I sat down right on the pavement and buried my head in my knees. I felt my tears soak my pants but none of that mattered then. My weeping sounded too loud in the deserted alleyway as I started to feel physical pain too. I couldn't believe I had been naive enough to fall into such a trap. Even after my mother warned me...

"Eunyoung?" the oh-so-familiar voice sent a jolt through my body as I raised my head slowly, trying to make sure I heard correctly. I was right. There I was, face to face with a concerned Sunjae looking at me with furrowed brows and glassy eyes full of worry and confusion. I suddenly felt embarrassed; Ashamed that he had to see me like this- falling apart. I stood up hastily, trying to hide my face and blink away my tears.

"Sunjae..." Another sob choked me as the words refused to roll off my tongue. He seemed to understand in that moment. Slowly, he moved towards me and reached out his hand to pull me by the waist into his warm embrace. My tears nearly evaporated as heat crept up my face. My head rested gently on his shoulder as I soaked up all the comfort he gave me. His grip around my waist tightened as I felt his hand caress my head.

Sunjae seemed to have this superpower whenever he was around. All my worries would warp and dissolve into nothingness and my heart would instantly lighten. Every little touch sent sparks flying across my skin, making me feel giddy but at the same time compelling me to give in. Around him, I wasn't afraid to be vulnerable. My trust for him was like an instinct I couldn't fight no matter how much I tried. That was probably why, before I could comprehend what was happening, the moment his caring voice asked, "What's wrong?" I poured my heart out, never letting go of him.

The whole time I spilled my greatest worries out to him, he never let go of my heart. His firm yet gentle grip offered solace I didn't believe anyone could give. 

"Seeing someone as optimistic and cheerful as you cry is heartbreaking, Eunyoung. He doesn't deserve your tears. Focus your energy on those you love. And on those who love you."

☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩⋆｡° ✮

nana's notes: the way sunjae basically said i love you-

delphi's notes: everyone deserves a sunjae in their lives

next chapter: saturday (out now!) list of chapters here!

[aajjks]

🎄mommy issues!JK

irene hasn’t seen jungkook in almost 6 years, and she’s in awe at how much he’s grown. gone is the younger, more shy boy who was too timid to look her in the eye as they fucked. what stands before her is a grown man with his own family, and he isn’t happy to see her. irene understands his frustration; she hasn’t been there or seen their child in over 5 years and hasn’t helped or reached out to him.

in a way, she failed her child, but she wants to change that. she wants to apologize to her son and be there for him as she should. she quit prostitution, got a good job, and turned her entire life around. she reached out to jiyeon with hopes she’d meet jungkook and seol, the name of her son, which brings her here. face to face with jungkook and the woman who raised seol, you.

“i know this is strange” irene speaks up. “i have a lot of making up to do, but i promise, i’m not trying to get in the way of anybody. i just want to meet him and be there for him.” you’re unsure of what to say. first, nara, and now this?

the universe can be so cruel sometimes.

you thread your fingers with jungkook’s and caress the back of his palm with your thumb. “let’s just hear her out, okay? calm down” you say lowly, your eyes meeting his intense gaze, but with a much softer look. reluctantly, jungkook agrees to listen to irene explain herself, but the story is simple:

this is all jiyeon’s fault.

she was the one who conjured up the lie that irene was dead, paid her off like a debt, left jungkook to raise seol as a ‘lesson,’ regretted doing so after jungkook almost lost his life to nara, then finally, paid a lot of people to find irene.

you agree that she went about it all wrong. instead of telling jungkook about irene before her arrival, she blindsided him. neither you nor jungkook were expecting this and to make things worse, there’s an innocent 6-year-old involved.

“i know what we did was cruel and i deeply apologize for that” says jiyeon. “but i thought you should know…i thought seol should know. i have nothing against y/n—i agree that she is seol’s mother as well, but one day he’ll be curious about his biological mother, and telling him that she’s dead when she’s not isn’t right”

“if you want, we’ll pay for her to get a paternity test” says jae-eon. he walks away to grab moon from your arms and kisses her chubby cheek. “but we gave her a lie detector test, and she wasn’t lying”

~🫧

Jungkook scoffs.

How dare you bring her here?” he spits, his voice trembling with fury.

“After everything I’ve done to give Seol a normal life, you decide now is the time to blindside us with this bullshit? You thought this was a good idea?”

Jiyeon steps forward, her expression uncharacteristically remorseful. “Son, please—”

“Don’t son me,” Jungkook snaps, cutting her off. “You abandoned me.”

“You abandoned me the moment you found out about Seol. You left me to figure everything out on my own. I was 21! I didn’t even know how to hold a baby, let alone raise one, and you left me with nothing! No support, no guidance—just shame and disgust.”

Jungkook’s hands are trembling now, and you instinctively reach for one, but he steps forward instead, his glare fixed on Irene.

“And you. I don’t even remember you. You’re nothing to me. Nothing. You were a mistake—one I would erase if I could. You think you can just waltz in here, play the part of a mother, and expect me to let you anywhere near my son? He doesn’t even know you exist. And he won’t.”

Irene flinches, her confidence wavering under the weight of his venomous words, but she stands her ground. “I know I’ve made mistakes, Jungkook, but I’ve changed—”

“You don’t get to say his name,” Jungkook snarls, cutting her off. “You don’t get to act like you care now, after six years.”

“Where the fuck were you when he needed you? When he cried for hours because I couldn’t figure out why he was sick? When he asked why he didn’t have a mom like the other kids at daycare? Where were you then, huh?”

“She was told you didn’t want her around,” Jiyeon interrupts softly, but Jungkook rounds on her next, his fury only growing.

“You lied to me! You lied about her being dead, and now you’re telling me you paid her off like she was a goddamn transaction? Like my child was just some inconvenient mistake you could erase with money? You disgust me.”

His voice cracks on the last word, raw emotion bubbling to the surface.

“Do you have any idea what that did to me? I had no one. No one but Seol. And now you’re just fine with letting this… stranger walk in and confuse him? Break him?”

Jiyeon tries to interject again, but Jungkook won’t hear it. He looks to you for even a shred of comfort, his eyes desperate and glossy.

“You’re his mother. You’ve always been his mother. You’re the one who stayed up with him when he had nightmares, the one who kissed his scrapes and taught him how to ride a bike. You’re the one who loves him. Not her.”

Jungkook turns his attention back to Irene, stepping closer now, his body trembling with suppressed rage.

“He doesn’t need you. He doesn’t even want you. You can play your little redemption arc somewhere else because you don’t belong here. Seol belongs to us.”

“To me and yn,”

he says, gesturing toward you with an intensity that sends shivers down your spine. “You’re six years too late.”

“Y-Yn seol- HE’S MY EVERYTHING I RAISED HIM. HE’S MY FUCKING HEART. I-I was alone when I didn’t know how to feed him because he was a baby and he needed breast milk! I SUFFER ALONE, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO!”

When Jae-eon cautiously steps in, his attempt to diffuse the situation only makes things worse. “Son, we can fix this. We just wanted to give Seol a chance to know the truth—”

“The truth?” Jungkook’s voice rises, his fury finally boiling over.

His parents are the worst in the world.

“The truth is, none of you cared about him or me until it was convenient for you. Don’t act like this is about Seol. This is about you and your guilt. You abandoned me, and now you’re trying to make up for it by bringing her here? What do you think this is going to do to him, huh? Two mothers? He’ll be broken. You’re going to break my son.”

His voice cracks again, and this time, a single tear slides down his cheek.

He turns to you, raw vulnerability etched into his features. “I can’t let that happen. I won’t. He’s too sensitive—too fragile. If he starts questioning who his real mom is, it’ll shatter him.”

“You’re his mom. Yn… You always have been, and no one—not her, not them—will take that away from you. From us.”

The room falls silent, the weight of his words sinking into everyone present.

Irene opens her mouth to say something, but Jungkook cuts her off with a low, final growl. “Get out of my house. All of you.”

“And if you don’t, I will fucking shoot you and make sure that you’re dead for real this time!”

[ro-valerius]

A Mother's Debts

The two of them really share a taste for seclusion, as much as Moxxie would rather not have anything in common with him.

Collab write with @ffxiv-f13ndish [Moxxie and Virgil]

Tofu sat leaned against the wall, one hand pressed to his side where the void creature from the library had sliced him with its claws and broken his ribs, though he didn’t realize that he was doing so or register the dull pain that throbbed under his hand.

Most of the Flowers were home for the day, and it was so very noisy in the house. He had wandered over to where he had taken Moxxie the first time she had found him after the pirate incident, propped up almost carelessly under the red canopy as he stared out into the mountains surrounding the Goblet.

He had a lot to sort through, a lot of thoughts that needed to be considered carefully before he did anything stupid. 

The sound of footsteps from the direction of the house brought him out of his reverie and he got to his feet quickly, turning his attention towards the sound, body tensed and ready in the event that it was an enemy.

When he realized it was just Moxxie, his shoulders dropped as he flopped back against the wall, nearly regretting the careless action as the almost healed wound on his back reminded him that it wasn’t quite done healing yet.

As his eyelids drooped slightly, he slid down the wall back to a sitting position, once more neglecting to realize that he had pressed his hand to his side again.

Much as she was haunted by the events that came about to introduce her to this secluded spot, Moxxie had taken a liking to hiding out there in spare moments where she could get some time to herself. She was especially in need of some time for herself following a recent interaction with a proposition from a malevolent lalafell.

Unfortunately, it seemed the space was already occupied. 

Moxxie froze upon seeing Tofu. For a moment, a shocked concern broke through her expression. It was quickly brushed away as she recalled a prior conversation – one which regarded Tofu.

Her jaw tightened, a fire in her eyes, though uncertainty remained in the depths of her gaze. Tofu’s eyes drifted over to her briefly, though his head remained turned straight ahead of him. After a moment, he turned his eyes back to the sky in front of him, having noted the fire in her eyes.

“Finally come to take care of your monster?” he said, his voice laden with weariness. 

Moxxie’s expression didn’t change, but her eyes lowered.

“Can’t do that without a weapon, hm?” she said, reluctantly stepping closer. She stood before him, staring down at Tofu, but not quite meeting his gaze.

“It seems like you’ll get that chance before I do,” Moxxie mumbled, referring to Tofu’s way of hardly ever coming back unscathed. A humourless chuckle escaped him, but it was quickly replaced by a wince as his ribs flared. His hand tightened against his side briefly.

“Can’t die until I get rid of that rat, first. After that… doesn’t matter, I guess,” he murmured. Softly, almost inaudibly, he repeated what he had said to Dolly at the library.

“If I get hurt, it’s recompense for every sin I have committed…” He sighed heavily. 

Moxxie’s expression darkened as she recalled her conversation with Tuturoko. Her hands balled into tight fists at her side… until one left her side and swung right at Tofu’s face. He let her fist connect, staring down at the cobblestones with narrowed eyes.

“Don’t be a coward. There’s no fixing anything you’ve done. No amount of bruising is going to bring back any of the lives you’ve taken. Stop wallowing. If you really have some kind of honor, quit being pathetic,” Moxxie snapped. She shut her eyes tight for a moment as they burned, fighting back the wet heat that threatened to spill out.

“I know you hated my mom, but at least-” 

“I didn’t hate her,” he cut in quickly. 

“Then have some dignity!” Moxxie shot back. “It won’t make up for anything. But at least show my mom and myself the honor of not acting like a sad sack of popotoes because I know someone like my mom wasn’t killed by some kind of… pathetic clown.” 

“You think that your situation is the only thing on my mind right this moment? The only thing that weighs on my chest?” Tofu snapped in return before taking in a deep breath to reset. He was quiet for a moment as he centered himself.

“Sorry. Lotta… unpleasant memories have come up lately. You caught me at a bad time.”

“I know,” Moxxie flatly remarked. She swallowed hard as she continued to fight back tears. Her clenched fists shook, and one hand raised.

And then it fell at her side.

“I just… wish you let me die on that ship.” Moxxie turned away, intending to disengage and walk away. Tofu scoffed.

“And that’s any braver?” he grumbled. He sighed, looking up at her. “Your mother loved you more than anything. You were the only thing she cared about as I held her, as she took her last breaths. I swore to protect you, to honor her. And now… it’s less out of obligation and more out of desire to see the woman you grow into. You’re strong.”

His ear twitched. “Honor? That’s such shit-” she began, only to pause upon noticing a shift in Tofu’s attention. 

“...You didn’t bring Nerida, did you?” he asked, making his way to his feet and looking around. He had finally learned the woman’s name and intended to use it.

Moxxie went still, listening closely. She said nothing, but gave a shake of her head. Her posture straightened as she stayed alert of her surroundings. Friends of Tofu, she presumed.

Tofu heard something coming from behind and grabbed Moxxie, pulling her to his chest as he pressed both of them against the wall to avoid the lance that had been thrown at them as it embedded into the ground where she had been standing. Before she could protest, he was away from her and throwing a knife towards the source of the lance.

Footsteps from the other direction caught his attention and he pulled Moxxie behind him protectively, narrowing his eyes at the man that approached.

“Step away from her, rabbit, she has a lot to answer for since that mum of ‘ers is dead and gone,” the man said. Tofu’s eyes narrowed further.

“Like Hells I will,” he growled. 

Moxxie didn’t have much time to react, between being pulled out of the way by Tofu from another flying weapon, to the revelation that it was her being hunted this time. 

Ah yes, she had nearly forgotten of the long list of enemies that her mom had gathered. She pushed back from Tofu and reached over to grab the lance that had been flung her way.

“Piss off! I got nothin’ to do with you!” she snarled, holding up the lance as she squared her feet. 

“Oh, but we got everythin’ ta do with ya, little miss,” another voice said as a woman strode towards them from the other side. Seemed these people had half a mind to surround them. 

“Good for fucking you, you’re not going to touch her,” Tofu said as he drew his knife, darting towards the man that had approached first. 

Moxxie gave a faint scoff under her breath. Even with her mother’s death, she’s left to deal with the burden of her mother’s actions. With her siblings gone, it’s left on her to clean up. She hurled dead ahead towards the woman that approached.  

The au ra just barely had a second to duck as the woman swung a great sword over her head. The point of her lance only left a minuscule scratch at the swordbearer's side. She quickly jumped back to put more space between her and the length of the sword. 

As Tofu swiped at the man, the man leaned back, raising a revolver and aiming it at Tofu. Tofu didn’t have time to think about the consequences, he just grabbed the barrel in the brief second before the trigger was pulled and pressed it to his shoulder - nothing vital on himself, and no chance of hitting Moxxie behind him.

He remembered the look on Miyu’s face as the bullet hit them.

Before the man could reload the gun, Tofu twisted it out of his hand and did as he usually did to disarm his enemies in the Goblet; he threw the gun into the ravine that ran under. 

He swiped at the man again, catching the highlander across the ribs as he jumped back out of range. Tofu followed with another swing, and once more, the man dodged, this time without a scratch.

Before Tofu could take another swing, his chest flared, and though the pain was brief and less intense than some of his other attacks, something about this one left him dizzy. He stumbled slightly as the world spun around him and he dropped to one knee, clutching his chest. What a terrible time for this shit…

“What is your deal?!” Moxxie yelled, once more dodging the swipe of a blade. She growled as she gave another thrust of the lance. This time, there was contact with flesh – the end delving between the woman’s ribs. She twisted the lance as she dug it in.

The action was a short lived and ill advised maneuver. With her attention on the swordswoman, she didn’t have time to move out of the way of a throwing knife, which embedded itself into her knee. 

Moxxie stumbled back in her shock, pulling the lance back with her. Just as she steadied on her feet, the swordswoman swung down.

“The beast took my girl, I’m just repaying the favor, kid.” 

There was a clang! of metal as the sword was met with a knife, and though the force brought Tofu back to one knee in his unsteady state, he was able to redirect the blade harmlessly to the ground beside them. 

“The one with whom you have issue is no longer around to be hurt by your actions. What is the point of murdering a child when your grudge is not with her?” He did not await an answer, knocking the woman back with a surprisingly steady kick.

"Fuck off,” he grumbled. With a groan, he heard more footsteps approaching.

There was no response to be given to Tofu before Moxxie darted forward. She let out a yell as she jumped and drove the lance through the woman’s neck as she landed, gritting her teeth at the pain that shot up her leg with the weight she put on her injured knee. She cursed under her breath as she took the small blade and pulled it out of the soft tissue it had embedded into. 

Under the light of the sun, she noticed what looked to be a strange, murky gleam of an oily substance along the blade, just barely noticeable with the blood which covered it. She huffed through her nose and hurled it back towards the approaching members. No time to examine.

She stood tall, stepping closer to Tofu as she readied her stance. 

Tofu had noted the knife she had removed from her knee, reaching out as she stepped closer and lending a small healing spell to close the wound for now - he had snuck his stone back from Ro finally and was full glad for it. With a frown, he could sense the poison that had begun to make its way through her veins. Another light spell, to start the process of neutralizing the poison. 

As he worked, he had drawn two throwing knives from his pouch, sending them at the two individuals that were closest, catching one in the throat fatally and the other only catching the second in the shoulder.

He could feel himself breathing heavier, but ignored it and launched back towards the man he had disengaged with to protect Moxxie, his speed throwing the highlander off guard as, in a blink, he was on him, knife to its hilt in the man’s chest.

Tofu’s work to neutralize the poison kept Moxxie up on her feet. A heated, nauseating pain still crept through her veins, but began to slow. 

Moxxie, however, did not slow down. She leaned close to the ground as she sped forward. When one of the attackers collapsed to the ground, she jumped off of his back to give herself more distance from the ground as she flung the lance. It flew from her grasp and sunk into the eye of an axe wielding opponent.

She staggered as her feet made contact with the ground again. Her expression tensed, but she nevertheless continued forward to retrieve the lance. She put one foot down on his head as she started to pull out the lance.

A masked figure darted forward and tackled her down just before she could get the weapon out. She started to fight back, until she felt a cold blade against her neck. 

As the highlander fell from Tofu’s blade, he cast a look around, noting one woman with a dagger hanging back from the fight and- His vision ran red as he caught sight of Moxxie. Flashes of the past crossed his mind, and before he could register what was happening, his body acted. 

One moment, he was beside the man he had slain, and in the next instant, his hand was around the blade to Moxxie’s throat, unconcerned with whatever damage it would do to him, as he pulled it away from her. His other hand grabbed the masked figure’s face and forced them off of the child he would do whatever it took to protect.

With a sickening crack, he slammed their head against the cobblestone. Bits of skull protruded as blood pooled beneath the figure. Tofu stood and faced the final attacker, his eyes still holding a dangerous darkness as he stared her down, daring her to try anything.

The woman ran.

Moxxie stared up with a stunned expression. Someone that looked to be in his injured condition wouldn’t be capable of such a blow – shouldn’t be capable. There was a creeping unease as she thought back to her mother.

How did she go? How did everyone that bled at his hands meet their end? 

Perhaps it was remnants of the poison, but Moxxie suddenly felt very, very sick. 

Tofu could ignore the blood dripping from his fingertips, an injury reminiscent of the distant past that danced across his mind. He shook it from his mind, turning to face Moxxie. Instead, his mind focused on her, and the promise he made to her mother to keep her safe.

He had closed her injury, but only just, and the spell to neutralize the poison wasn’t as potent as Ro’s would have been, if he could cast it again, perhaps it would work more quickly- 

Such thoughts ground to a halt as his chest flared again, more aggressively with his own usage of magic compounding with the effects of his endeavors in the Library. Pain flashed through his nerves, and the world spun once more. Blood dripped from his mouth as he dropped to his hands and knees with a barely stifled cry, the effort to keep the ground stable beneath him overriding the usual attempts to alleviate the pain by applying pressure. 

Regardless of her conflicting thoughts regarding Tofu, when he fell to his knees, she rushed to his side. At the end of the day, she was still just a child who wanted to do something right – even though she didn’t know what was right anymore. A reluctant hand reached out to his uninjured shoulder.

No injury from poison or blades could compare to the pain of seeing the life fade from her mother’s eyes in the arms of the man who had just saved her life.

Whatever tears Moxxie had been holding back all this time broke through as a sob ripped through her. The passing of the memory was brief, but it burned into her. She, too, fell to her knees as she wept. 

Through his haze, he could guess as to what happened; another memory shared without consent from either of them. And while he didn’t know for certain what she had seen, the anguish that radiated from her told him with certainty that it was one of two memories, two memories she should never have to witness. 

He wanted to reach out, to apologize, to try and offer some measure of comfort - not that he would be able to do any good at it - but his chest felt as though it were being crushed, his lungs unable to get enough air no matter how he gasped for it through the blood that dripped heavily from his mouth. His vision could not still, and his ears rang harshly until he could hear naught else. Something was wrong, no attack had been like this before. 

As he collapsed to his side, he noticed a heavy presence in the air that suddenly dissipated, and though the effects of his episode faded slightly with it, even if the effects were gone entirely, he had been injured. Not to mention that his previous injuries had reopened in his efforts. Weakly, he managed to lift his hand, stretching towards her, but unable to make contact before it fell limp, dropping back to the ground as he struggled to breathe through the blood.

Whatever that presence had been, it had done a number on him... 

“What a mess. Really, making children cry now, Tofu? I didn’t know if you had it in you.” 

Moxxie stilled at the sound of a familiar voice. She looked up and squinted as she struggled to focus – partly due to the pounding migraine that had begun to creep in, as well as the tears that veiled her vision –  on the figure that suddenly towered nearby.

“You! It’s…”

“Exchanging greetings and pleasantries is unnecessary at the moment – are you to assist in bringing him inside?” Virgil said, leaning down on one knee as he looked Tofu over. 

Moxxie stared down at Tofu for a moment in contemplation. She shook her head and stood.

“Run along, then. Don’t get in the way.” His voice was by no means cold, the elezen merely being direct with the child.

“Now. Shall I spare you your dignity, or do you need the assistance to be carried back?” Virgil addressed Tofu now. 

Tofu watched as Moxxie walked away, reaching out feebly with his torn and bloody hand before it dropped back to the ground again. Virgil had spoken, but Tofu couldn't hear him over the ringing. But the last thing he wanted was to be coddled by Virgil of all people.

He tried to push himself to his feet, making it to his hands and knees before coughing blood harshly onto the ground. He pressed a hand to his chest as he toppled back over the other direction. He turned narrowed eyes to Virgil as he struggled to breathe.

“There was…something here…that made it worse. I don't know what, or how,” he started, pausing to cough once more, before continuing. “It felt like, whatever it was, it was crushing me. The degree has lessened now that it's gone. I just need a moment.” 

Virgil’s head tilted to the side in a quick, bird-like motion.

“And you are certain it is not the burden of the crushing guilt you choose to carry?” Virgil dryly remarked. “That is a joke.” It didn’t seem so funny, however, as he watched Tofu cough up blood and collapse to the ground.

“Ha, funny,” Tofu grumbled.

“It could be your condition taking a turn with the increased intake of magic… or perhaps, the ward could be saturated with a magic energy to weaken you steadily. Nevertheless, peculiar. The latter would be more intriguing… though that isn’t to say that your affliction is not an enticing area of research,” Virgil said, seeming to speak aloud to himself now.

Despite the detached and unnerving statements, he showed some level of care when he leaned down and abruptly scooped Tofu up to carry back to the house.

Tofu’s eyes widened as he tried to wriggle out of the elezen’s grip.

“H-hey I just need-! I’m fine, you don’t need to-” he started to protest, but paused as he noted silver hairs peeking through the blond. Wasn’t Virgil younger than Blomma? He shouldn’t be going gray already…

“...Been using too much aether?” he commented, though he did once more try to get himself back to the ground.

With Tofu’s current condition, Virgil didn’t relent and continued to carry Tofu back towards the house. Though, arguably, it could be said it was partially due to amusement. Might as well find the fun in some things when you are actively deteriorating. There was no overt change in Virgil’s expression following Tofu’s question, though he did seem to hesitate in his response.

“Luluci has informed me that the deterioration continues. The potions and healing spells have reduced in efficacy with the continued use of them. I suspect that I’ve been building a resistance, so to speak. Nevertheless, the treatment is by no means useless presently,” he explained, his steps slowing as he approached the house.

“Then you should be the last person to be trying to carry my ass home, let me down,” Tofu grumbled, finally gathering the strength to make his way out of Virgil’s grasp, though he landed with a heavy thump on the ground before he made his way to his feet with a muttered ‘ow…’. He brushed himself off and gave Virgil a look. 

“Shouldn’t you be under house arrest? Won’t Lament get upset with you?” he asked, holding a hand to his ribs again before quickly dropping his hand to his side - not that he didn’t think Virgil had noticed, but even so, Virgil was the last person he wanted to appear weak in front of. 

“Two things. I wasn’t trying – I was actively doing so – and it wouldn’t have been a very difficult task if it weren’t for you writhing like a toddler. Follow up, Lament is not my keeper. I can very well get around on my own,” Virgil corrected, crossing his arms over his chest and giving a slight tilt of his head while he watched Tofu closely. 

“I could ask you the same question, seeing you are hardly recovered from recent incidents. And it appears you are even further from recovery now, given what had just occurred with your adversary’s band of imbeciles,” he remarked, assuming that the attack had been intended for Tofu. 

”Wouldn’t have resisted so much if you weren’t carrying me like some kind of princess…” Tofu grumbled under his breath. He shrugged. “And to the surprise of everyone, these particular imbeciles weren’t meant for me. What brought you here, Virgil?” 

He was deliberately ignoring the commentary of his own condition. He had actually been nearly recovered before the Library incident, the injury across his back was more of a nuisance than an active pain.

“Very well. I’ll make note to carry you over my shoulder like-”

“Do not carry me at all.”

A faint chuckle escaped Virgil, the corners of his lips forming into a momentary curl of amusement. Virgil decided not to make note of that statement and continued.

“Really? For the child, then? Not surprising at all, given the nature of her mother’s work. The length of the list might as well cover the surface of the seas. She’ll be cleaning up that mess for a long while,” Virgil said, eyes roaming down the road as he recalled where Moxxie ran off to. “If need be, I can attend to finding out who – of considerable concern – could be on said list. However, I’ve come here for matters regarding the mage which hunts you.”

His gaze turned back to Tofu.

“Though it seems I have arrived at ill timing. Shall we go inside before you collapse again? I’ll take care to drag you in by your feet, rather than carry you, this time around.” 

“I said I’m fine,” Tofu growled. “The heavy presence has been gone long enough for the effects to go back to their normal, only mildly annoying state. And I’m used to blood los- I can still stand. You should consider not spreading your own investigations too thin. Drop the beast mage, focus on the child, if you must. I can handle Nhagi on my own.” 

He, too, turned his gaze towards where Moxxie had gone. He hoped she was alright… He squared his shoulders and turned back towards the house, pausing to wait for Virgil with a raised brow. 

“Shall I call for your wardens to confirm the state of your condition – which you insist is fine? I’m certain it would be no trouble to seek out Kore and Miyu right now. I know for certain one of them is sleeping, but it wouldn’t be hard to wake them,” Virgil hummed as he began to speed walk towards the door. “Certainly, you are handling things well!” 

“I do not have ‘wardens’ the way you do, and don’t bother any of my family, I’m walking, aren’t I?” Tofu said with narrowed eyes as he followed the… weirdly speedy Virgil. He must be enjoying tormenting Tofu… This was not a common side of Virgil. Truly, it seemed Tofu brought out a rather strange side to Virgil.

“Certainly. If they were truly wardens, they’d do a better job at keeping you locked up while you’re injured,” Virgil said with a barely audible chuckle. “Now then, come along inside. I have much to suggest in regards to dealing with that mage.”

Virgil gave Tofu little to no time to respond before he disappeared inside. It seems he already made up his mind. With a roll of his eyes, Tofu followed him inside.

[potionsprefect]

Hidden Memories

Pairings: Ethan Ramsey x Victoria Clarke

Word Count: 572

Summary: Whilst unpacking boxes, Ethan discovers more about Victoria’s past

Rating: General Audiences

Category: Fluff

For @choiceschallenge-may2023 “stuffed animals”

Ethan didn’t know Victoria could have so much stuff. Nevertheless, he was excited she was finally moving in with him.

Belongings of Victoria’s had already made their way into their apartment. Various pieces of clothing and a toothbrush were already there, now Victoria had everything she needed, ready to start a new life with Ethan.

“I’m sorry I have so much stuff.” Victoria laughed as she unpacked a box labelled ‘bedroom’.

“If I didn’t love you so much I would complain.” Ethan replied.

“I know you’re complaining internally.” Victoria giggled placing stuff in the wardrobe.

“Whatever gave that away?” Ethan laughed.

“I do have too many clothes. They’re not all going to fit in your wardrobe.” Victoria huffed, hands on hips.

“Our wardrobe. Don’t forget that.” Ethan smiled wrapping his arms around Victoria. “There’s enough space under the bed for now. I’ll make sure you have enough space one day.”

Victoria smiled up at him. “One day. And what will that consist of Mr Ramsey?” She said.

“When we have a place that we can both call home then I will make sure you have a space for all your clothes with a walk in wardrobe.” Ethan replied.

He would be lying if he said he wasn’t thinking towards the future. For the time being, they would live in his apartment, Ethan was adamant he would pay the rent. He remembered what it was like having a Med school debt. Victoria insisted she contributed somehow so they went half and half on the bills.

But one day, they would have a place of their own. A home for the rest of their lives.

“That sounds amazing.” Victoria smiled pressing a kiss to his cheek. She went back to unpacking the bedroom box. “Oh I put this in the wrong box.” Victoria laughed, pulling out some cutlery. “That must’ve been one of the gang. I’ll go put it in the kitchen.” She headed out the bedroom.

Ethan continued to unpack the boxes. There wasn’t much left. As he reached then bottom of the box he noticed some stuffed toys. He took them out, staring at them.

One was a brown teddy, the other was a pink one. Ethan figured these were Victoria’s stuffed childhood toys. He smiled at the thought of baby Victoria cuddling her childhood teddies.

“My cutlery has brightened up your kitchen! I knew I would add some- oh!” Victoria stopped in the doorway. “You’ve found my teddies!”

“They were right at the bottom. I didn’t know you had some.” Ethan replied.

Victoria smiled sheepishly. “Some may think it’s childish. But I don’t. It reminds me of New York. And I’ve had these two since I was a baby. Mom and Dad got them when they were expecting me.”

“That’s really sweet. Where are you going to put them?” Ethan asked.

Victoria looked around the room. “Normally I kept them on my bed but now I’m sharing a bed with someone I think they should be kept out of the way.”

Ethan placed the teddies on Victoria’s side of the bed. “That looks good. I’m fine with you having them. I think even as adults we can all take comfort in a childhood teddy.” He smiled.

Victoria pulled him into a hug. “Thank you. But warning now. We take up a lot of bed space.”

Ethan laughed. “I wouldn’t have you any other way. And that goes to the teddies too.”

This was so much fun to write! Victoria loves her stuffed teddies and always took comfort in them when things were tough

Tagging in reblog

[romana-after-dark]

The Wrong Way: Chapter 9

Dark!Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Tommy Miller x reader (secondary)

Masterlist

Spotify playlist

Summery: You are sold to Joel to clear up some of your fathers' debts, and he takes you back to his house where him, Tommy, and high ranking members of his raiding trope stay. Joel is mean, cruel, and hash, but had small moments of softness that confuse you in your venerable state. Over time, you get to know him and Tommy, and see different sides of each, and both are hiding secrets. Was it possible to fall in love under these circumstances? Or was that just another way Joel was fucking with you?

Aka: my mom sold me to One Direction

WARNINGS FOR FULL FIC, NOT CHAPTER BY CHAPTER UNLESS SOMETHING NEW IS ADDED AFTER MASTER WARNING LIST: DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT!!!! Fic contains graphic depictions of sexual assault, rape, molestation, dubcon/non con. Blow Jobs, PIV sex, lose of virginity, sex trafficking, past incest, death/people dying everywhere, Stockholm syndrome, falling for your rapist, victim blaming, torcher, branding, physical abuse, rape (not Joel), somno, dub con on tommy? idk he's not really into it but feels like he has to, self-harm/depression/suicidal thoughts (not a lot) but fair warning, major age gaps, love triangle, pregnancy/birth, threats of abortion, major character death, mentions of potential csa/child abuse but does not even come close to happening, forced pregnancy, forced housewife shit, breeding, breeding kink?!?!

Pacing is a bit off for reason's I'll explain at the end so uh have mercy. I shifted thing a bit but I think it'll make the last chapter better.

*********************

If we had a daughter I'd watch and could not save her The emotional torture From the head of your high table She'd do what you taught her She'd meet the same cruel fate So now I've gotta run So I can undo this mistake At least I've gotta try... -Labour, Paris Paloma

It was cool out, and the fall leaves crunched under Joel heavy footsteps, shuttering and flittering as he pulls you across the lawn, screaming his brother's name in vain, horse shouts. 

You were supposed to rake tomorrow. 

“TOMMY! TOMMY! TOMMY!” was all you could say, all sense having left you as soon as you were thrown around in the kitchen. It was another slap that brought you back to reality, opening your eyes to come face to face with the man who had beaten and loved you in such harsh contrast this last year, pulling you both to stand on top of a chair. Your shirt felt wet from how much you cried and were still sobbing, but you have enough thought, just barely, to stop screaming for Tommy… he let go, and you wanted to run, wanted to protect your baby… but you’d get nowhere. You look down at the crowd that gathered, all men you recognized, some you liked, some you knew were just waiting for Joel to relinquish you to them… and Lorenzo, his normally droopy bedroom eyes opened wide with fear.

This is how you’d die, isn’t it?

Joel yanked your face back to him. “They ain’t gonna save yuh, little one. Not even Tommy would save you, you know that, right, for all you cry for him, he still chose me over you. He chose Maria over you, because you are NOTHING! You were nothing but a pastime to him but me?” A rush of calm as he held your chin tightly, nails digging into the skin and clawing your face open. “I love you, princess, and all you do is hurt me.” His voice was soft, small, and for a foolish moment you think maybe he already peaked in his rage… until a strong, painful punch in your sternum knocked all breath out of you... and again. and again.

You hear Lorenzo call out your name, and through your sore throat and abused body, you manage to get out and small ‘don’t’. You hope Renzo knows that’s meant for him. Don’t do it. Don’t risk your life for me, I’m not worth it.

Joel throws the rope over the tree branch, and as you look at your surroundings, you are struck with horror at the realization that this is the tree in which Nick’s skeleton lay at the foot; an area you always intentionally avoided since Joel brought you out here so, so long ago. The rope that his hands hung from as Joel skinned him alive was across from you… was that your intended fate? Would he really do that to you, 8 months pregnant? Or would he kill you and preform some sick, botched c-section?

He fashioned a noose around your neck.

“Joel, Joel please, I’m sorry”

“I don’t fucking care!”

“THE BABY, JOEL!” You sob, pleading for your child's life. “Please, please just wait until I give birth, then you can do whatever you want but they shouldn’t be punished because of me!”

“You’re right, she shouldn’t” Joel always referred to the baby as ‘she’, despite no evidence. He pulled the rope tight, causing you to choke and stand on your toes to keep breathing. “This is your fault.” He slapped you, making your head swing wildly to the right. “It’s your fault I’m hurting you.” He slapped you again, and you felt blood leave your mouth. “You hurt me!” He screamed, and another slap. The ringing in your ear doesn’t prevent you from hearing him as he tells you that you are hurting the baby yourself before delivering his final blow. You can’t focus your eyes at all… but you can hear him, although you wish you couldn’t. From the loud voice and the feel of his breath, he’s right in front of you. “I should tie us both up, little one, and kick this chair out from under us, end it all, is that what you want?”

No, absolutely not. Even after everything, you didn’t want Joel dead, and it hurt you to hear the pain in his voice, just as it hurt to see the betrayal in his eyes as he learned of Tommy… You loved him, you loved him, you loved…

“N-o!” you choke out, the harsh rope burning on your throat.

“As much as I know you want me to,” Despite the fact you said no, he was so convinced you hated him. “You don’t get to win, cheating bitch.”

He hops down, rope in hand, tying it to the bar of the chair and leaving you gagging and rasping on your tippy toes for air on the chair. He mutters his usual threats to the men, that anyone who helps you or touches you is dead, and you watch him walk away towards the house. 

So you stand there for what feels like forever, attempting to pull the noose off but you can barely breath, can barely see, can barely hear… you can, however, feel your precious baby kicking.

One by one, the men get bored and wander off inside, until two bodies are left.

You register Lorenzo’s smell, alcohol and those strange gross cigarettes he smokes, hoping up on the chair and quickly taking you down. You can’t stand, and Lorenzo barely stops you from completely collapsing on the ground. He yells at Jack to help him carry you inside, but Jack hesitates, no doubt not wanting to die… but after back and forth, another arm is lifting you up, and your heavily pregnant form is stumbling back to your home.

“Hey, stay with me sweetheart, we’re gonna get you back, okay? But I need you to stay awake, I think you’re concussed”

You don’t answer; you can’t answer, really… even as you slowly start to gain a little focus. Lorenzo is talking you through it. ‘Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.’ Although you’re certain Lorenzo could carry you on a normal day, 8 months pregnant was another story.

You weren’t sure what his plan was, but it didn't really matter as Joel was waiting inside for you.

“Jack, take the girl.”

Lorenzo spoke up. “Joel, calm down, I know damn well you didn’t want her dead-”

“Jack, take the girl, and cover her eyes.”

You try to say no, to tell Joel to stop, but words don’t form like they should… Joel wouldn’t listen anyway.

So, there you are, stuck in Jack’s arms which were oddly tight, protective and comforting as Lorenzo’s blood splattered on you both, Joel pistol whipping him hard before shooting.

Lorenzo’s body falls to the floor as a clump of deadweight, and as Joel grabs you, dragging you into the room, all you can glimpse is Jack frantically trying to stop Lorenzo’s bleeding as your only friend screamed in pain on the floor.

When the door closes, Joel is a new person, pulling you to him and onto the bed. He was sat up against the wall, holding your back to his chest as your body wracked in sobs. Lorenzo was dead, you were in pain, and you were so, so scared for your baby. Could they survive what Joel had just done to you? You were certain it was over for now, Joel was back to his lovey, post-violence state had already set in… but what about next time? Joel had been safe for months… months where you didn’t run, you cooked and cleaned and serviced him and fucking hell, you fell in love! You loved him! You were the best possible wife you could’ve been, all while carrying his child, and even the mere suggestion of waiting on having another instead of pumping them out like he wanted, and he nearly killed you.

Was he trying to kill you?

Lorenzo said he wasn’t.

But you weren’t sure…

Lorenzo…

Despite the protruding stomach, he began to massage your core, and you were too violently ill and dizzied to protest. You’d be too scared to even try, anyway. You weren’t sure how long he tried until he gave up, but it felt like forever, minute after minute of your shaking, aching body crying in his arms as he tried to bring you to orgasm with his hands before realizing you weren’t the slightest bit wet. Your body didn’t even have it in you to attempt to betray you this time.

So Joel just held you, and held you tight, so tight you couldn’t hardly breathe again and you had no choice but to try and relax yourself until the sobs bubbled down to gentle hiccups and a steady stream of tears.

“Why do you make me do this to you?” Joel spoke, his voice croaking and you suddenly notice tears on your neck. “Why do you make me hurt you?”

“I d- I don’t know.” You gasped and tried to answer through the shaking tears.

“I don’t want to do this, you know that right?”

“Uh-uh”

“You make me act like this. I’ve been good to you, haven't I?”

“Y-y-yeah-ah.”

You almost killed me and our baby.

“I feed you, I care for you.”

“Y-yeah”

Tommy fed me. I cook for you.

“I make love to you, I make you come, don’t I?”

“Yeah.”

You rape me.

“You’re my wife”

You kidnapped me.

“I gave you a child.”

You forced this on me.

“I gave you a life here, free from your father.”

You ripped me away from Zach and June, you sent Tommy away, you killed Lorenzo.

“But still, you treat me like dirt.”

I cared for you. I’ve been a nurse, a servant, a cook, a whore

“You cheated on me with my own brother”

I was terrified of losing my virginity, and Tommy was safer than you.

“You disrespect me”

I asked a question.

“You know why I do this, right? It’s for your own good. Our baby needs a good mother, she needs a mother who will love her unconditionally, who will always be there for her, to be a good example. I can’t have you running around making her feel unwanted, can I?”

“No.”

Joel buried his wet, crying face in your hair. “So it’s not really my fault, is it?” It was like he was begging for forgiveness, for absolution, justifying it to you, to himself, maybe even to Sarah…

You answer him, sleepy, head throbbing and you feel like you could throw up. “No, it’s my fault.” and it was. It was your fault for not leaving with Zach, for not taking him up on countless offers he made in letters Lorenzo passed between you, offering to run away with you and June and Lorenzo… even continuing to beg into the pregnancy, but you ignored him, causing many fights between you and Lorenzo. It was your fault, and now Lorenzo was dead or dying and you were trapped with no way to contact Zach, no way to get to him…

He caresses your head and body. “Yeah, it’s yours, but it’s okay, I forgive you. You’ll do better, I just know it.” Joel sounded like he was about to fall asleep too. “You’ll be good for her. You’ll be a good mom for Sarah.”

If you weren’t so fucking tired, the revelatin of the extent of Joel’s dellousions would be shocking to you, but you couldn’t find anything shocking anymore.

“I spoke to Tommy the other day.” He sat up, laying you down into bed and tucking you in. “He’s doing good.” A kiss on the cheek and he continued his talking. “I was think’n, maybe after she’s born, we could see Tommy a little bit? Not much” Joel was quick to warn. “Maybe just… once every month or two… so Dolly can know her uncle?” He was back to using Dolly… “Would you like that? See’n him a little bit here and there?” He was offering you an olive branch.

“Y-yes, I’d like that.” Tommy… seeing Tommy again… You wanted him so badly, you missed him so much it hurt… Lorenzo was a blessing, he was like a brother, but Tommy was someone special. A kind, soft heart in a world of monsters…

“Go to sleep, little one. Tomorrow’s a new day.”

You thought you shouldn’t sleep, given that you were clearly concussed, but Joel was so warm beside you, big and broad and protectively wrapping his arms around you… You allow yourself to drift off; there was no use fighting it anymore.

But tomorrow wouldn’t be a new day. Tomorrow would be the same thing. Cooking, cleaning, baby, sex… every day for the rest of your fucking life.

The next morning Joel brought you eggs and toast... Breakfast in bed like a good husband… You waited until it was safe to ask about Lorenzo.

Hesitantly, Joel let you go see him… he was alive, but barely. The gunshot went straight through, thank god, but the wound on his torso was already looking infected, and his face was deeply swollen and bruised; Jack was no nurse. 

But Lorenzo was still Lorenzo. “Hey sweetheart, you look like shit” 

You smile at him. “Yeah, you’re not exactly Han Solo yourself.”

“Now, how come you know who Han Solo is but you don’t know Fleetwood Mac?”

You go on to explain the comics and Joel telling you all about it while you care for his wounds, making little jabs at each other until you are done, and he grabs your hand; sincerity in his voice.

“What happened? After he shot me… what happened?” 

Lip quivering, you answer. “Nothing, really. He took me into our room and he-he held me and cried-”

He furrowed his brow at that. “He cried or you cried?”

“B-Both” You whimpered.

“Jesus”

“And he-he-he he told me I made him do it, that it’s my fault and I was a bad mom-”

Lorenzo groaned, and went to scrub his face, but yelped and winced in pain from his pistol whip. “Sweetheart, I need you to listen to me. I know I call you stupid and dumb and… I don’t understand why you stay, I really don’t… but…” He reached out and took your hand. “But this is not your fault. Even when you stay, even when you make him mad, it’s not your fault, and you are not a bad mom.”

You allow yourself to cry as he tells you, being perhaps the first person to say…

This isn’t your fault.

Two days later was when Joel left you next. You had sworn up and down you would forgive him so long as he got Lorenzo the medicine he needed, and tried your best to give him the best makeup ‘I’m sorry I hurt your feelings, Joel, I’ll do better next time, please don’t kill me’ sex you could give to smooth it all over.

The closet was locked; he kept your shoes in there, as he did any warm coats or gloves or anything that made aid in running away, but you didn’t care. You were going to the barn, you were taking a horse, and you were getting far, far away from here. You had a tinge of remorse for leaving Lorenzo; Joel will surely take it out on him, but you had gotten him his medicine and with it, a fighting chance. 

Right now, you have to run. Nothing mattered more than your baby’s life.

It was cold, crisp, but not unbearable in your sweats, socks, shirt and jacket. You had to find your way to your family farm, find Zach and go. Joel didn’t know June existed, so she was safe from his rampage… if you were lucky, your dad might be who Joel takes it out on. Joel had told you if you tried to run, Zach was the first person he’d go to… but you wondered if now that Tommy was gone, Joel might go to wherever the hell Tommy was first.

You loved Tommy, there were few people who you loved like Tommy… but you loved your child more, and you prayed that Joel would go to Tommy first, buying you and Zach some time.

As you ran through the woods, your thoughts were scurried, desperately trying to find the barn in the darkness; there were few stars and no moon, and you had never been taught a sense of direction… You weren’t sure how to get to your family farm, but Christ, you were running for your life right now. 

SMACK! You ran into a tree, no doubt adding to the horrific bruises on your face as is, but that's nothing compared to the horror of Nick’s skeleton under your body. You barely manage to cover your mouth from the scream as you fall backwards and scramble, trying desperately to get away.

As you run into a pair of legs, a hand covers your mouth this time and you scream, loud.

You are turned around and are suddenly face to face with Jack.

“Jesus fucking christ!” He whisper-shouts. “Are you trying to get yourself killed?”

You immediately begin begging. “Please! Please don’t tell Joel, I’ll go back! Please Jack he’ll fucking kill me, he’ll kill my baby please don’t tell-”

“Shut up!” He hisses, standing up from his crouched position to run his fingers through his hair. “Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck FUCK!” Jack begins pacing, considering his course of action. “We’re going back to the house.”

You nod obediently.  You could figure out how to escape later, right now you needed Jack to keep a secret. You’d do whatever you needed to.

“Please don’t tell him, please” You sit up on your knees, wobbling with the belly but giving your best attempt to look pretty. “I’ll do whatever you want.” You’d suck him off, he could fuck your ass

“Jesus Christ, he’s got you fucked up.” Jack turns out, groaning, before helping you stand. “Get up, we gotta talk to Lorenzo, he’ll… fuck he’ll figure something out.”

Jack started walking, and you hesitated… you aren’t sure of you can trust him… but damn if you don’t have any other options. You look back and into the woods, debating your choices.. When you see a glint of silver in the grass near the skeleton.

A jackknife, the one Joel used to skin and castrate nick. You had no weapons… so you took it. It had a smooth wood handle with an ivory inlay, with a blunted out edge… the button struck a little as you practiced switching it in and out.

Not hearing your footsteps on the leaves, Jack turns around and urges you on.

He instructed you to stay put on the side of the house. He said Joel isn’t due back for a few hours, but just in case. Not long after, a stumbling and swearing Lorenzo is walking outside under Jack’s support.

“Of all the fucking times you wanna leave, you had to chose when I’m barely alive, huh?”

“I’m so-”

He holds up a hand. “Stahp.” His boston accent was thick with irritation and pain. “I’m just fucking with yuh, kid. Let’s get you to Tommy.” He began to walk, with Jack’s help, to the barn. 

“But Zach-”

“Tommy is closer. I know where Zach was gonna take you, I’ll give Tommy the instructions.” He turned to Jack. “You need to go. Joel is gonna kill you if she and I left on your patrol.”

Jack shakes his head. “No, I don’t think he’d”

You spoke up. “He would. He told me he… he knows you and Tommy still talk. He doesn’ trust you.”

Jack groans again, rubbing his face.

Lorenzo continues. “Swing by and get Maura, anyone in proximity to this is in danger.”

“Fine, fine. Meeting in Boston?”

“Rapid City, we’re not there in 4 days, keep going. You know the plan once you get to Boston.”

You turned to Lorenzo. “Zach, Joel said-”

“Relax, sweetheart. Jack and I’ve had an escape plan ready to go just in case, and that involves your brother.”

The plan was for Jack to go to the farm and get Zach… if all went well, you’d meet up in Boston. There they’d find a friend of one of Lorenzo’s sisters, Tess, and she’d help you… You weren’t entirely sure about all of this, but Renzo would bring you to Tommy… Tommy would keep you safe.

Lorenzo wasted no time. He saddled up quickly and he and Jack helped you on the horse. You thanked Jack as he and Lorenzo hugged goodbye, and Lorenzo took off galloping for as long as his wounded body could take. He slowed down after half an hour, his weakening body slumping up against yours, telling you how to get to Jackson and what to tell Tommy should he fall over… If Lorenzo passed out and off the horse, there was no way to get him up in your condition… 

Somewhere along the lines, you  found yourself apologizing, apologizing for causing so much trouble, uprooting his life, uprooting all their lives, Tommy’s happy life in Jackson…

“Sweetheart, knock it off, I mean it.” He said in that harsh but loving tone. “Joel… he said you were nothing, that you were nothing to Tommy but that’s not true. I love you, Zach loves you, and Tommy absolutely loves you. We are doing this to give you and that baby a chance at survival.”

You continued into the night, until a group of men on horses approached with dogs.

“Lorenzo Alverano!” He shouted, and the men looked at each other. Quickly, you and Lorenzo were sniffed out for infection and hurried off into the city limits and brought to where you sound found out was Maria and Tommy’s home, the men banging on the doors.

It was Tommy who answered. 

You didn’t look like yourself at all.

Even under the dim porchlight, Tommy could see the expanse of bruises and scratches on your face, your black eye, the hanging and strangulation marks and rope burn, the busted lip, the considerable amount of fat you’d lost… and of course, your 8 month round belly.

“Oh honey…” Tommy murmured before rushing to take you in his arms. “What did he do to you?”

You cried heavily in his arms as he guided you inside where another woman watched, questioning Lorenzo on the situation at hand. You were introduced to her, Maria, and although she was straight to business, you didn’t feel unwelcomed. Tommy would care for your emotional needs, Maria was planning your escape.

It was decided when she spoke. “Lorenzo, you’ll never make it to Casper the way you are, you’re staying here.” She turns to Tommy. “Take one of the travel bags and go.”

“Maria. ” You didn’t know if he was going to protest or what, but Maria stopped him short.

“Go. She needs you.” She looked… Sad, almost, as she turned to the men. “Get Lorenzo to a safehouse with a medic.” Back to Tommy. “You, get the horse and the bag and go. There isn't much time, Joel is gonna come barreling and we need to prove you’re gone.” 

Back and forth, Tommy looked at you, then Maria, then you, then Maria… before standing up. “Okay.” and he headed out the door in a hurry.

Maria looked at you sympathetically. “Do you remember me?”

You tried to think… she looked familiar but- oh. “The first day.”

She nodded. “Yeah. Joel… I wanted to stop him, but I was trying to broker a deal to keep Jackson out of his grasp and…” Maria shook her head. “I’m sorry. I’m honestly amazed you lived, knowing Joel.”

“Yeah.” You huff out. “Me too.”

“Tommy’ll get you to Boston, get you safe, take care of you…” She looked sadder, the more she talked…

“I’m sorry.” You couldn’t help but over apologize, it was ingrained in you now. “But once my babies safe, I’ll leave you and Tommy alone. He’ll be back and you’ll never hear from me again.”

She didn’t look like she believed you. “Sure. He’ll be back…” did she believe herself?

Despite Maria and Tommy’s insistence to hurry, they took their time saying goodbye, Maria grasping tightly to his body.

“I’ll be back, Maria. I swear. Get through the winter and I’ll be back first thaw, okay?”

Maria didn’t sound like she believed Tommy either.

One hand was around you, holding you tightly to him while the other guided the horse, urging it on to run as much as it could… you needed distance, as Joel likely already returned to the house and discovered you were missing by now.

It was a long while before he spoke.

“What did he do to you, honey?” It was that soft, low, ever-calming tone he used on you that never failed to make you felt into him… “How did this happen…”

You couldn’t help but tell him the story of the last 8 months since he’s been gone. The pregnancy, Lorenzo, the freedom, and exhausting housekeeping with a giant belly… How Joel began to see you as his wife, his maid, a person to make babies and clean the house… not as a person like you had thought.

Finally, you told him how Joel beat the ever-living fuck out of you, how he hung you from the tree and left you for dead… and how you called for him in your hysteria. 

Tommy rested his head on yours, taking in the smell of your hair as he apologized for not being there for you.

When it was clear you weren’t getting much further, Tommy guided the horse to an old abandoned house he knew off in the woods. Tommy knew this area well, having made this trip many times throughout the years. The sleeping bag you were sent off with was intended to be shared between two people for body heat, but not necessarily a heavily pregnant person… the fit was tight, but nonetheless 

you were comfortable in his arms. You were always comfortable in his arms.

“I’m glad you’re here, Tommy.” You spoke softly, drifting off to sleep.

“I am too, honey.” Tommy kissed the side of your face, and as the tiniest peak of light shown through the horizon, Tommy and you drifted off to the small amount of sleep you could before continuing on your journey to Boston, to start a new life.

*************

CW For a bomb threat on kids between the *******'s

*********************I work at a day care, it's week 2, and between waking up from nap and snack time we received a bomb threat. Our building evacuated around 100 kids to a nearby church. People where there to set up a anniversary party and were incredibly kind. They set up a tv for the kids to watch a movie, brought out water and crackers for our poor kids who didn't get their snack, and tissues for the teachers who were crying. its me i was teachers. I did great getting the kids to safety butt as soon as the action ended i was a mess. not long after a bunch of people arrived. My day care does child care for workers at the nearby hospital we are a part of so pretty soon lots of people where there including the hospital president, HR, and on sight counseling which I took part in. Turns out it was a middle school pulling a "prank". Law enforcement said they have never seen a building full of children evacuated that quickly and safely. Several of us are new. **************

this being said... I am exhausted. I cried a lot and my anxiety drained me... but I wrote this chapter bc writing helps me cope. So.... it's not my best writing but that's okay.

chapter 10 will probably take a while to see, because I need it to be perfect, absolutely perfect for you guys because you all deserve it. You maaaaaayyy just a small drabble bc there was a scene i wanted to include but it just didn't fit!

I go on a trip next week where I'll finally get to see Matchbx 20 who ive had tickets for since 2020 but covid ruined it lol...

I'm also working on a joel one shot for ya'll

anyway thak you all so so so much for your continued support!!!!! I love you all very very much

Reblogs are the best way to spread and support, but comments mean the world. I know not everyone likes to share dark content on their blog, but even a kind anon is such support!

Anyone got any guesses for the grand finale? I would looooove to hear some theories!!!

@my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @howaboutcastiel @tidlewav3 @bunnnyy-dummy @slutfortimotheechalamet @foggymoonbanana @dinsbaby @miraclesabound @jenna-ortega @primosworld @marclovers @threeheadedlamb @secretwriterpp @the-fox-den

@bitchyglitterfox @0bsessedwithfictionalcharacters @alloftheboysivelovedbefore @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog@lunar-ghoulie @pedritosdarling @dreamonseems @alwaysdjarin @amoramorquetepintas @milla-frenchy