#my mental illness is what provides great content for my friends to enjoy

[ryssbelle]

Having something you've been putting off but really want to do vs something you kind of want to do and can do immediately causes you to read the entire dungeon meshi manga within the span of 5 hours instead of doing the thing you were supposed to do

[unfunnyaceartist]

Vent post ahead that may change your view on me and that may sound dramatic (NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE, THIS IS JUST IN GENERAL) Mostly just to get out my feelings. I only ask that if you look, to be kind and understanding and patient. Also the tags are silly and id appreciate if you read em. id appreciate if you didnt ask me anything on it

I feel toxic sometimes because i can get so jealous i borderline gatekeep things and I always feel so bad because its never intentional but then I end up hating myself because I know its unhealthy and irrational but I cant help it, and I know im so lucky and have a lot in many senses of the word, but at times it feels like they can be taking everything, because when I like someone or something, they tend to matter a fuck-ton to me. Im sorry to anyone ive lashed out at a bit for them wanting what I have, I really am. Its not coming from a place of hostility, rather a place of trauma responses and hyperfixation that stem from my adhd and autism but like when I try something and it goes great, and then someone else is like "OOH thats awesome I wanna do that too" It feels almost like when Im finally happy or excited or proud to have something, someone comes and takes it. Usually Ill play it off as a joke, but in reality, its complete honesty that im trying to soften so I dont upset anyone, especially when its over fiction or a person, because I do NOT own them and I know that, but it bothers me when someone swoops in to do the exact same things or even one-up especially when its really soon after me, and since my self worth is already abysmal, it just makes me feel worse, like I should be lucky to have what I do to begin with, but I feel the need to hold it close to me and protect it so I dont lose things that make me really happy.

Recently Ive even started reverse gatekeeping in response to others, where ill just tell myself I cant or dont deserve to have anything special because I'm not, and only others can enjoy this. But thats why people making me ship content makes me so happy. Its dumb to get jealous over others selfshipping with a character I like. Its dumb to get upset over someone I know copying or taking heavy inspiration from one of my ideas. Its dumb to get possessive over someone else trying to befriend my new awesome friends or wife/wives. I rarely selfship anymore due to my reverse gatekeeping and instead serve the others who simp or enjoy content. I provide since I feel I cant take. It makes me happy and distracts me. But the moment someone else does something similar to what is my toxic coping mechanism for my toxic coping mechanism, it only hurts worse. Thats why sometimes, for example, I get a bit snappy when someone else provides gummybunny (that and also shipping jealousy sometimes). Thats why I get snappy when I make a friend someone else super cool and then another person comes in and wants to befriend them (No darken, this wasnt directed at you, its happened more than once with more than one person but I know how you tend to assume). I LOVE giving but I hate sharing, because all my life whenever I shared, I lost something.

Introduce a friend to a friend? They leave me behind for eachother. Let someone wear my fitbit because they wanted to feel "rich"? It got stolen. Give money to someone in a "rough spot" who promised to repay me somehow? Never saw them again. I was always so trusting and understanding, and I always made excuses for others. Always so naive and gullible. So much so, in fact, that in elementary I kept letting my bullies pretend to be my friends when they claimed they changed, and let them destroy any ounce of worth I had whatsoever. Things that make me happy I CHERISH because of all the things ive lost and all my experiences. Ive never been hit, not once, but the abuse all my life came emotionally and mentally, and I only recently realized through therapy. Now its hard to trust people in certain situations. Sorry for my probably hard to follow and melodramatic rant.

sorry im dumb haha

[catfern]

➺ 𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐧'𝐬 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬.

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[darlington-v]

I know different interpretations of a work are generally enriching and cool... but c!dream villan interpretations is like how to tell me you only watch Tommy without saying you only watch tommy.... which would be fine but its not a great place to be making statements about the whole nature of the dsmp lol

Wild speculation, but sometimes I wonder if like, because the dsmp didn't really start as a narrative, and a lot of fans don't nessecarily enter it expecting a narrative, but then there is one and the fandom is really discourse heavy and everyone is sort of excpeted to have an opinion while maybe not expecting to form one from the begining or not having a ton of experience with narrative in a way that would "expect" them to have an opinion or not take things at face value??, I don't know if I explained that well at all... and I don't really even think thats right nessecarily... but like wow sometimes some of the takes about power and government and villany...

Honestly, it makes sense!!!

I think something interesting is like.... looking at how animatics have shaped the like tone and culture of the fandom essentially. Like, an interesting fact that I didn't really fully grasp until SUPER recently is like...

c!Wilbur out the gate admits he is manipulating c!Tommy. Like his first youtube video on the Dream SMP he admits his goal is to manipulate c!Tommy and people like c!Tommy into helping him achieve a potion ("drug") empire to monopolize on potions because there were a lot of people on the server who like to min-max, which is to put all of your effort into this one specific skill essentially. so like... i know minecraft doesnt have a skill tree but if it did, it would be putting all your points into that one specific branch of a skill tree. So he wanted to exploit the labor of all the TommyInnits to.... maintain a Potion Empire.

THIS IS A LONG POST BC I GOT CARRIED AWAY SO BUCKLE UP

And I don't think a lot of the fandom who joined later on knows this. I certainly didn't until like a week or so ago? Like... I knew c!Wilbur had been manipulative from the start because I'm a mod of (shameless self promo incoming) @dsmpanalysis and we have a lot of different POVs in that mod team and discord and we talk about it really frequently. I joined the fandom as someone who was really big on L'manburg ESPECIALLY crimeboys, and have turned into.... *gestures vaguely to my blog*

And ngl I owe a lot of it to @1-michibiki-1 in terms of c!Dream "Apologism" but all of the mods there have expanded my thoughts and views on the storylines of this narrative.

My application consisted of like largely essays about like... how I think Dream was the villain but he was meant to be the villain because you don't get any insight into his character WHICH.... IS A FAIR ASSUMPTION AT FIRST GLANCE. People are easily villainized when you cannot get a glimpse into their thought process. It's easy to dwindle someone down into this flat character and starting out I knew Dream didn't stream the SMP on purpose.

And I personally came to the conclusion of "Oh! So Dream is supposed to be the villain." However as the story continued and I learned more about what Dream went through I began to realize that... it's more than likely a form of a red herring. My opinions on this were immediately solidified when I watched Ranboo's 2 MIL stream because both Ranboo AND Dream agree on enjoying red herrings.

There have been MANY times were Dream has said that c!Dream is a complex character and he's not a wholly evil guy and there have been times where the narrative has honestly just proved that.

Anyways, what's important though was that... I learned most of this from other people who were more focused on c!Dream rather than myself. Eventually I shifted from c!Tommy to c!Ranboo and c!Techno after c!Tommy betrayed c!Techno and I began to realize.... everything I learned before hopping in wasn't exactly what it seemed.

Part of this is because I'm older, I heavily identify with c!Techno's sense of loyalty and philosophies on government, but I especially identify with the anguish c!Techno voiced in... a lot of lore but especially the lore around Doomsday.

I'm not 16 anymore. I don't always feel wronged by adults, or older people in my case, whenever they absolutely have done something wrong by me, but I do feel wronged by my close friends. I also felt like c!Tommy's sense of loyalty didn't line up with mine after what felt like him constantly flip-flopping and refusing to understand c!Techno's morals on government didn't line up with his.

In short, it was easier to identify with Tommy in these animatics versus in the actual stream content because c!Tommy is played by a 16 year old. I'm not a teenager and my line of thinking doesn't entirely line up with people that age anymore. It's harder to place myself in the same shoes of someone's OC who is played closer to their actual age, because I'm not that age.

Regardless, I was still on the c!Dream is a villain train. I wasn't ever like... c!Dream is repulsive I hate him, but I was like omg hot villain lad go brrr.

Even when the first like... mellohi, panic room, Ranboo lore stream popped up I thought "Oh! c!Ranboo corruption arc?"

And I was excited because I really wanted this shy, nervous character to turn into villain buddies with his good pal c!Dream. I'm a total sucker for villains and corruption arcs and all that good shit.

SO I STARTED GETTING REALLY INTERESTED IN ENDERSMILE. I'VE BEEN ON ENDERSMILE SQUAD OUT THE GATE. NOT THE SAME WAY I AM NOW, BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED THEM TO TEAM UP.

So... upon not really keeping up with c!Dream and being relatively??? indifferent? I don't think I started arguments on c!Dream back then, but I might have. But I remember like... starting to participate more whenever c!Dream came up and looking more into Dream's character BUT ESPECIALLY TALKING WITH OUR SERVER'S C!DREAM SPECIALIST MICHI ABOUT DREAM A LOT MORE.

And because Michi has been a watcher since day one and was a DTeam fan rather than a SBI fan, she was able to provide me with more information on how the server worked pre-Tommy but especially pre-Wilbur.

Now, you could definitely argue well Michi probably has clear bias but it made sense to me when I looked back on how the storyline had been constructed and was going along, and everyone in the server talks a lot about our own biases and how we want people to maybe not lean so hard on them. Michi would also provide like anecdotes on what had happened and I'm sure links were probably provided at one point but the point was I felt like Michi had no reason to lie or manipulate how the story was told and if she did, eventually someone would have pointed it out because... Group of like... right now it's around 20 or more analysts but I don't remember how many at the time there were. POINT BEING, WE'VE ALL GOT POINTS TO PROVE AND IN MY EXPERIENCE NOT MANY OF US HAVE BEEN SHY TO PROVE THEM.

So if anyone ever had any differing opinions they would be talked about and we literally had and still have discussions.

REGARDLESS.... I DIDN'T FACT CHECK IN DEPTH BECAUSE I THOUGHT PEER REVIEW WAS ENOUGH WHEN YOU HAVE LIKE HOURS UPON HOURS OF STREAMS TO WATCH.

Anyways. Eventually I started paying closer attention and looking more into c!Dream lore but only recently have I started to triple check before speaking about c!Wilbur lore because I know everyone has biases and while I did trust everyone's thoughts and analysis in the discord, whenever I make essays I typically like it to be largely air tight and if theres a mistake, I want it to be because I forgot not because I just trusted what was said. Plus, I wanted to get down to the specifics of how Wilbur had always started with manipulation on the mind.

SO I WATCHED HIS FIRST VIDEO ON THE DREAM SMP.

AND WHAT I WAS NOT BY ANY MEANS EXPECTING WAS WILBUR TO SAY WORD FOR WORD, VERBATIM,

"SO WHY DON'T I START AN INDUSTRY WHERE I USE THE TOMMYINNITS OF THE WORLD TO WORK FOR ME, TO CREATE THINGS THAT THE MIN-MAXERS OF THE WORLD WILL WANT."

Like... this is in no way an attempt to like hardcore villainize c!Wilbur like everyone does Dream, it's just more so to like REALLY outline how far off a lot of fandom interpretation of c!Wilbur is....

Because of SBI focused animatics.

Now, when I joined I watched A LOT of animatics that really highlighted like... Wilbur being this self-loathing JD-esque, "I destroyed it because I had to because the world was against me because no one loved us, Tommy" type of character. At least... that's what it came across as.

And it definitely highlighted the fact that Tommy was a victim, which he is. He is undoubtedly a victim and no not even any dream apologist can change my mind otherwise. Tommy, despite being an instigator sometimes, didn't deserve the abuse he received.

But these animatics never shown the fact that c!Wilbur started L'manburg as a shady ploy to exploit people like c!Tommy and vilify c!Dream so he could have power.

And that was easy because Dream and Tommy had wars before. They had spars and pranks and here's the plan to take back my disks and here's the plan to out smart the thieving little child etc etc.

And all of the animatics I watched never mentioned this. Neither did the recaps though. The recaps gave the events flat out, there didn't sound like there was bias, and honestly I don't really know if there was rather than like... a lack of nuance. And it's hard to provide a recap with that much nuance in a short period of time for a youtube video, to be perfectly fair.

However, this creates a perfect formula for entirely rewriting the history of a server. c!Wilbur quite literally fucking succeeded TO A META LEVEL. He slandered and ran smear campaigns against Dream and like he even does that with Sapnap in the beginning. But what's crazy is that it transferred over into the meta! Most of this fandom understands Wilbur as a victim of mental illness, and yeah maybe? He definitely wasn't mentally well by the end of pogtopia, but he never started out with honorable intentions. L'manburg was never a victim, only its citizens. The TommyInnits of the world.

I just think it's like... such an interesting case study. Because this is like... an opinion like shared by at least half of the fandom, but the vilifying of c!Dream is shared by MOST of the fandom I would argue. Which is like even more crazy for me because that was c!Wilbur's goal!!!

LIKE I GO INSANE WHEN I THINK OF THIS BECAUSE HIS REACH IS JUST TOO POWERFUL. HE'S NOT EVEN ENTIRELY REAL, JUST A MANIPULATIVE PERSONA OF SOME BRITISH GUY.

And I mean... maybe people who have watched Wilbur's video on the SMP still maintain this idea that Wilbur wasn't always the bad guy, but honestly... I wouldn't be surprised if their introduction was still an animatic. Like bias is hard to check and I'm not going to lie I could have sworn I watched both Wilbur's AND Tommy's video on the SMP in the beginning and yet I STILL was a ride or die for tragic yet on some level still honorable Wilbur and a resilient Tommy.

Like... upon watching Wilbur's first video... possibly again I was surprised because I thought I did watch it like right before I even started watching the streams and yet I was still so invested in c!Wilbur as this tortured anti-hero.

It took 6 months of... not being in an echo chamber, full of multiple different people of different ages, different stream POVS, and people who joined the fandom at different points in time.

IDK IF THIS WAS EVEN ENTIRELY RELEVANT IT JUST FELT TANGENTIALLY RELEVANT AND THIS WAS SOMETHING I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT FOR A HOT MINUTE AFTER LIKE WATCHING WILBUR'S FIRST VIDEO AGAIN.

TLDR;

SBI CENTRIC ANIMATICS HAD A LASTING AFFECT ON THIS FANDOM AS IT'S HARD TO GO BACK AND ACTUALLY CHECK THE NARRATIVE FOR SOLID FACTS FOR YOUR OWN INTERPRETATION BASED ON THE FACT THAT THIS NARRATIVE SPANS OVER HUNDREDS OF HOURS WORTH OF TWITCH STREAMS.

[thusspoketrish]

Words Are Very Unnecessary

TW: Dark fic; Angst; mental illness; mention of past suicide attempt; implied self-harm; scarring; psychiatric ward; unethical medical practices/harm; inappropriate patient/doctor/staff interactions; shifting tenses

Created for the prompt Pretend for @drarrymicrofic

Title taken from Depeche Mode’s Enjoy the Silence

3.3K words. This is something that I may consider coming back to expand on in the future. READ ON AO3.

A heartwarming thank you to @starlitsilvereyes for the thorough beta!

When Healer Robins announces that Harry will not be carrying out his final rotation at St Mungo’s, he’s shocked. He’s done everything he can within the last few months to prove himself capable: he’s completed his clinical rotations with commendations, he’s saved lives, he’s brought coffee and donuts in from his favourite bakery in Diagon every Friday, and he’s even played nice with the first-year Trainee Healers. But as Healer Robins announces his fate, Harry not only feels the bottom of his stomach fall—he can practically feel the smug smile burning a hole into the back of his head from his colleague, competitor, and overall pain in his arse, Blaise Zabini.

“I’m sorry Harry, but Blaise has already proven quite successful with some of the patients in Janus Thickey. I’m afraid that if we remove him, many of the patients will respond negatively to the change,” Healer Robins says, aiming a warm smile at Zabini.

“And you have a muggle vehicle, that James Bond-looking thing, am I right, Harry?” Zabini asks.

Harry turns to face him. He hates to admit it, but Zabini looks attractive in the lime green robes—but everything about him is stylish, with his broad shoulders, his fancy clothing under his robes, his stylish haircut. Too stylish for a Healer, Harry thinks glumly, staring down at his beat-up trainers he’s had for three years now. Harry grimaces as the other man smiles widely at him. He’d wager his entire Gringotts vault that Zabini has charmed a tooth to twinkle when he smiles like that.

“Yeah, why?” Harry grunts. He doesn’t want to show just how disappointed he is over missing out on the Thickey Ward, but he’s never been that great at compartmentalising his feelings.

“You’ll need one where you’re going,” Healer Robins says.

--------

As soon as Harry pulled his sleek black ’52 Jaguar XK-120 (a result of his quarter-life crisis earlier in the year) into the driveway of St Peter’s Asylum, the 16th century estate sends a chill up his spine. He exits his car and ambles around the property for a while, wanting to gain a better sense of his new work environment. There’s a 25-mile-long anti-Apparition ward surrounding the property and no Floo Network connection. Everything about the property felt duplicitous. The beautiful large bay windows were covered excessively with sharp, pointy metal bars, stained-glass depicting religious iconography were covered in grime and spiderwebs. The columned archway framing the front entrance has cracks in them and are covered in rotting foliage. Behind the estate is a crematorium where ominous black smoke currently poured from the vents, spilling upward into the grey sky. He should have known then that something was amiss.

After a confusing meeting with Head Healer Madison, a quick introduction to the nurses and orderlies, Harry is shown to his small, gloomy office. Settled in, when he finally glanced through the files of his new patients, he nearly spilled his coffee on the pile.

He did not expect to see Draco Malfoy on his rota.

He can recall the last time he saw Malfoy, right after the trials, when Harry’s testimony wasn’t enough to save him completely from time in Azkaban, but anything after? He can’t. He does not recall exactly how much time Malfoy served—had it been three years or four? Did he receive early release or was that his father? How had Harry simply put Malfoy out of his mind after everything they had both been through? How had Zabini not warned him Malfoy would be in a psychiatric ward? Did he even know?

All these questions left a sour taste in Harry’s mouth. He had asked Healer Madison to give Malfoy’s file to a different Healer due to the conflict of interest, but there were no other Healers that would take Malfoy, and so Harry was left with a quandary: either help Malfoy or they’ll send him back to Azkaban, untreated, to serve out the rest of his sentence.

Malfoy’s file was as depressing as Harry imagined it to be.

Malfoy was considered a permanent resident on the ward, but the history is muddled as to why he’s been labelled permanent if his psychiatric care was part of his early release requirements from Azkaban. The threadbare treatment plan had no end goals or date to reintegrate Malfoy into Magical society. The file simply read of an attempted suicide in Azkaban, manic depression, and tendencies towards excessive violence to not just himself but those around him when angered—this was one of the reasons Healers refused him care. He had apparently injured the last three, one almost fatally. He’s been kept heavily medicated, but lately has been refusing treatment. The nurses have been providing the necessary potions intravenously.

Malfoy also hasn’t uttered a single word to anyone—not staff or other patients—for over two years.

From the gossip that the nurses regularly indulged in, Harry was able to learn that Malfoy befriended a young Scottish man named Ziggy and an elderly woman named Lottie that was also considered mute and antisocial. Ziggy had died exactly over two years ago under mysterious conditions and his body was sent to the crematorium instead of autopsied by the local Medical Examiner. When Harry had brought this oversight to Healer Madison, he had been scolded and suspended for three days for viewing files not assigned to him. She threatened to send him back to St. Mungos if he continued to work on the files that have been sealed by the Chief Healer, which would result in him failing his final rotation.

This, of course, further fuelled Harry’s interests.

-------

Harry began to watch Draco’s condition much more closely.

The other man still wouldn’t utter a word to Harry, and sometimes he wondered if Draco even recognised who he was sitting in front of, his eyes unfocused, body slumped in his chair with his bandaged arms wrapped around his body, his long blond hair falling to his shoulders in messy clumps.

Harry began to discover bruises around Draco’s wrists when they’d meet for sessions. When they began to appear around Draco’s neck, and finally, his left eye, Harry calmly enquired about it, and this sent Draco into a silent, violent frenzy. Draco had shoved most of the contents on Harry’s desk to the floor, thrown books at the walls, and ripped one of his bandages free to viciously dig his nails up and down his arm. Harry had to call a CODE RED as he scrambled to unlock his wand from the warded drawer of his desk to Stupefy Draco before he reopened all his wounds. It was the first time Harry had seen any kind of real reaction from the other man and quite frankly, it scared the hell out of him. He had watched helplessly as the orderlies rushed in to gather Draco’s limp body from the floor.

Later that day, he approached Healer Madison.

“I’d like the evaluation forms for any other medical treatments Mr Malfoy is having here,” Harry had demanded. She had popped her gum in Harry’s face before rolling her eyes at his request.

“Those records are private, Potter. For the Chief Healer’s eyes only,” she had said.

“Well, I need the evaluation forms as well. I should be aware of any changes in treatment methods, considering Malfoy is one of my patients.”

Healer Madison patted Harry on the shoulder. “Relax, Potter. No need to be such a bloody worry-wort. Code reds happen all the time here. You’ll soon come to realise how we do things at St Peter’s.”

-------

Harry left the hospital at 5pm every day. Like clockwork, when he’s just about to get into his car, he’ll look up to the third-floor window of the recreation room where he’ll catch Draco staring down at him through the slats of the bars. Each time, the monster in Harry’s chest that’s begun to grow with Harry’s concern and affection for Draco, roared to life. He knew it would be just a matter of time before Draco ended up dead if Harry did not figure out what’s going on in this hospital.

--------

On a particularly cold, grey day in October, one month into Harry’s rotation at St Peter’s, Harry enters the third-floor recreation room. All of Harry’s patients have been improving greatly, Draco in particular. Intravenous treatment ended a week ago as he’s now more cooperative in taking his medication by mouth. His self-harming had eased somewhat, but there were still bad days that Harry monitored closely. Draco interacts with staff and his friend Lottie again, sitting next to her to watch the Muggle telly or just holding her wrinkled hand as they both stare out the window. His grey gaze seemed stronger, more focused, determined, even. It made Harry happy to see a sliver of the person he once knew shining through, and he hoped it would just be a matter of time before Draco speaks, so Harry can help him.

Harry glances around the room. Soft music is playing from off the telly. There's plenty of places to sit, but he opts to walk over to the window where Draco is sitting and playing chess by himself. The man’s wrists are bandaged again, no doubt from picking at his scars. Harry can see a patch of blood through the gauze and wonders why none of the nurses have been around to replace them. He wishes he had his wand (which is locked in his office for safety reasons) so he can replace the bandage himself.

“Draco,” Harry starts warmly. “How are you doing today?”

Draco looks up from the board and Harry gasps. There’s another brutal black eye around his left eye, and the top of his lip is split. Harry reaches out, his fingers lightly touching Draco’s lips before grazing along his jaw. Draco remains very, very still under Harry’s touch, his lips parting slightly as his chest heaves. When Harry remembers himself, he snatches his hand back as if he’s been burned.

“Who did this to you?” Harry hisses.

For a moment, Draco’s eyes turn incredibly bright as he exhales a phlegmy breath before his gaze shutters. Harry sits on the opposite side of the board, staring down at it as Draco takes one trembling hand to move his black bishop to E5. Harry sighs.

“You can tell me, Draco. I…I want to help you. I know there’s something terrible happening in this hospital, and I know someone is hurting you. Please, Draco—”

Draco abruptly stands from his seat, startling Harry. Draco doesn’t pay him any notice as he stretches his long, rail-thin body before strolling up to the nurse’s station. He taps on the glass divider several times before Nurse Mathilde slides the panel open.

“What is it, Mr Malfoy?”

Draco mimes smoking a cigarette.

Nurse Mathilde purses her lips. “The Chief Healer has given you permission to smoke again, but not until 5pm and especially not without an orderly present. You’ll have to wait until then. No exceptions!” she snaps before slamming the panel shut.

Draco doesn’t come back to his board game, nor does he glance over at Harry.

Harry watches as he instead sits next to his friend Lottie who is staring at the only plant in the recreational room. He lifts her wrinkled hand and entwines it with his own before settling in to watch the plant with her.

---------

At approximately 5pm Harry exits the asylum, briefcase in one hand and car keys in the other. When he passes by one of the gnarled oak trees, he notices Draco leaning against it, blowing tendrils of smoke from his cigarette. Harry slows down to watch him.

Draco’s hip is cocked out, his hospital shirt bunched up slightly, exposing a sliver of pale flesh and a titillating v-line that disappears in his thin cotton hospital pyjamas. He’s properly beautiful—all long lines and sharp edges carved in delicate, alabaster marble. Harry has noticed just how clearer Draco’s eyes are now, how the grey is piercing, brimming with cleverness and an intelligence that reminds Harry of the boy he knew in Hogwarts.

Harry’s suddenly startled out of his reverence when he glances around and notices that Draco is currently unattended.

Harry decides to approach him.

“Draco. Are you out here by yourself? Where is your attending orderly?”

“He was recovering from the blowjob I gave him before I did this—” Draco says, his voice thick and raspy. Harry is so shocked to hear the familiar drawl that he stumbles forward, his eyes widening, realises too late that Draco has lunged towards him, left hand raised high to strike Harry on the side of his head with a large, jagged rock.

When Harry comes to, it’s with a sharp groan and with the sound of a string of complex Latin filling his ears. He grits his teeth as a burning sensation wraps around his wrist. He realises that he’s frozen on the ground by a particularly thorough Petrificus Totalus. Despite his throbbing head, he focuses enough to catch Draco at his side, hissing as a thin, red bracelet appears on his left wrist, the bandages now gone. Harry hasn’t seen his left arm exposed before, and he cries out as he takes in the horrific scarring over the Dark Mark, as if someone had tried to peel the Mark off with a scalpel and failed to dig deep enough. There were healed and freshly scabbed cuts from his wrist to his elbow on both arms.

Draco appears above Harry then. “Oh, good. You’re awake.”

There are streaks of dirt across Draco’s face, his hands, and under his nails.

“Please, Draco, whatever it is…don’t…don’t…”

Draco snorts. “What, don’t hurt you? Don’t kill you? Why would I harm the person I’m currently Bonded to?” Draco asks, lifting Harry’s wrist to his face. The red bracelet there matches Draco’s.

Panic seizes Harry immediately. Had he not been completely immobile, he sure he’d be shuddering. “What the hell is going on?” Harry asks, his voice shaking.

Draco drops his wrist and instead lifts a thick, taped together manila folder covered in dirt. “You’re helping me get the fuck out of here, Potter.” A smile breaks across Draco’s face then, making him look both incredibly beautiful and deranged. “It was as if you breathed life back into me, the day you walked through the doors of St Peter’s. I knew then that I had to hold on just a bit longer because surely it was a sign that my initial hard work wasn’t done in vain. You see this file here? I used to sneak out documents I’d gather from Madison, the Chief Healer, and the nurses proving the abuse. Some of the orderlies will let you do whatever you want if you can…provide the right services…and they would often leave me alone long enough for a smoke. I would hide the files here, Potter. But after Z-Z-iggy—” Draco’s excitable tone falters, a veil of sadness falling so quickly over his face Harry experiences a sense of whiplash. “They killed my friend, Potter. They treated Ziggy well before, even let him play Bowie when things weren’t so bad. They killed him during the experiments…”

“What experiments?” Harry asks, shocked.

Draco’s expression shifts once again to happiness. “I knew you wouldn’t be involved in something so gruesome.” He holds up his scarred arm. “On the Dark Mark and Purebloods who have come from Dark families. They’re trying to figure out how Dark Magic is entwined in a person’s DNA and…I don’t know…undo it.”

Harry’s eyes widens, mind beginning to race. “What?”

If the Healers here were literally using human flesh and blood to somehow recreate or understand the links between DNA and inherent Dark Magic, who knows what kind of torture and body modification they’re causing their subjects.

Draco eyes become manic. “You have to help me. You have to get me out of here in the next five minutes. My outdoor time is only half an hour and the orderly is currently passed out—”

“—Draco,” Harry whispers, interrupting Draco’s spiral. “How many others are there…how many other victims?”

“I don’t know, I swear. I just knew Ziggy personally but there would always be screams, so much screaming, so many voices…” Draco says, closing his eyes and swaying on the spot. He mutters softly, incoherently, to himself for a few moments before he opens his eyes, so grey, intense and bright. Harry is overwhelmed with shock, horror, and above all, disgust. Disgusted that the people he’s been working alongside for a month now, the people who have vowed first to do no harm, have been torturing their patients, vulnerable patients.

“Draco, I want to help you, okay? I will help you. You just have to undo the Petrificus Totalus. We’ll get in the car and just drive. I’ll take you wherever you need to go.”

Draco holds up Harry’s wand, points it at Harry’s face. “If you betray me, Potter, you’ll regret it. We’ll get in that fancy car of yours and you’ll drive until I say stop. If you do anything to prevent me from getting these files to the right people…if you try to get help from the Aurors or let your friends know what’s going on, I’ll off myself. And this bond here, this bond will take you with me. I’m the only one that knows the counter, and once we get to my final destination, I’ll release you. So, don’t you dare fucking try me.”

Harry bites back a gasp.

Despite his very real fear, Harry’s desire to help Draco outweighs it. He nods.

“Okay, whatever you want. I’ll do it.”

Draco’s face, dark with suspicion, slowly starts to slide towards something lighter. He bares his teeth. “I hold onto the wand. You’re not allowed to touch me, period, or else I might get the wrong idea that you’re trying to get your wand back, and I don’t want to have to hurt you, or worse, hurt myself.”

“Yes, okay.”

With a wave of Harry’s wand, Draco undoes the spell. Harry sits up slowly, so as not to alarm Draco, who has quickly scrambled to his feet, the dirty file hugged to his chest, wand still trained on Harry. Harry follows after him, head throbbing and legs unsteady.

Draco casts a healing charm his way before strengthening a Disillusionment Charm around them.

Feeling much steadier, Harry exhales. “Thank you.”

“I’m sorry I hit you in the first place. I had no other means to incapacitate you.”

“You could have just told me what was going on.”

Draco shrugs. “I had to make sure you were trustworthy. And honestly, I’ve wanted to knock you out for years, so this very much fulfilled a boyhood dream of mine,” Draco says, his lips tugging upward. Harry pauses to look at him. The monster in his chest is awake, thrashing about as affection and desire feeds it.

Harry knows he’s fucked.

They make their way towards Harry’s car after checking on the unconscious orderly. Once settled in, Harry starts the car and drives, past the gates of the asylum and onto the stretch of empty country road. He glances at Draco, not at all shocked to see the tears that are streaming down his battered face.

“Where to?” Harry asks softly.

Draco continues to stare out ahead of him as he answers, “the only safehouse I know. A house on Spinner’s End, Cokeworth.”

Harry draws in a sharp breath.

[ultraericthered]

Your Lie In April

I finally finished the series and I’m sure many people know what happens at the end, so I’m not going to go into all that. The main thing I need to address, the question that needs answering, is what did I think about the series overall and would I recommend it? 

Kind of? That would be my answer to both “did I like it?” and “do I recommend it?” And strangely enough, I do lean more towards recommendation than I do against, provided you just skip the unlucky Episode 13 entirely (not a whole lot is actually effected by it, so you honestly wouldn’t even be missing much story if you skipped it and went right to Kaori in the hospital in the next episode). Because Your Lie In April, possibly more so than many other anime, is True Art(TM). The animation, the music and specific focus on music, the angst and internal turmoil and poetic waxing dialogue all give it that vibe. And so like most True Art(TM), the final product can be subject to more than a single interpretation and none of them are “the wrong one.” You could read its contents as a teen romance story, as a romantic drama/comedy, as a black comedy, as a tragedy, as a psychological character study, etc., and they’d all be valid narrative readings.

For me, personally? Your Lie In April is low-key a horror story about an abuse victim who gets guided back into the darkness of the world that had given shape to his abuse and continously feeds into his depression that will emotionally and mentally scar him for life, and a terminally ill violin prodigy who, to give her remaining life meaning and leave something of herself behind in the world she’d eventually depart from, played EVERYONE like fucking violins.

Now, as written, we’re meant to be 100% appreciative of Kaori’s efforts to be Kosei’s light in the darkness, guide him back into the world of music, help him to enjoy playing the piano and appreciate the role music has had in his life and the lives of others touched by him, and “restore color” to his dreary world so that he may live with true beauty and wonder and greatness like he ought to. And sure, much of that IS worth respecting and appreciating since it does mentally bring Kosei to a healthier place than he is at the start, and gets him to be more open to more people and gain more friends, rivals, even a new family, and of course romantic feelings for Kaori herself. But there is more nuance and problematic aspects to this set-up than the story was willing to really look at and tackle in any substantial way, with the two key issues being that the approach to doing this that Kaori (and Tsubaki along with her) went for was to basically harrass an anxious, traumatized, depressed abuse victim, tell him to “get over himself and move on already!”, and forcefully drag him back to the source of his problems in order to face it head on, with no regard to what he wanted, what he’d like to choose for himself, or even whether or not it’d truly even be good for him at that time, and that the core reasons that Kaori had for doing so, or for doing almost anything that we saw her do for that matter, are entirely based in the service HER personal wants, which are partially for her to "live on" in some sense after her inevitable passing, and partially because SHE personally was so inspired by Kosei’s piano playing as a child that she believes Kosei "belongs" in the world of music; regardless of whether or not he might want that, she's just made up her mind that she knows best and nothing was going to dissuade her. And on top of all that, the ending has it revealed through a letter that Kaori, the girl who’s brutally honest about so much stuff, had been lying to Kosei from the day they met and through all that time they were together. She lied about not knowing him, she lied about who she had romantic feelings for, and omitted any mention of her terminal illness at the start. Again, Kosei only learns the full truth in a posthumously released letter from her he reads a long time after she's died, and it honestly didn’t strike me that much as a touching farewell from a dear friend, it read more like the manifesto of a manipulative mastermind detailing “How And Why I Did It All.” Like, she even opens it up with insults towards Kosei before going into detail on how long she’s known Kosei, how she was a bit stalker-ish of him early on in middle school, her illness and how long she’s had it and when she became aware that she’d ultimately pass away from it, how she changed herself for her remaining life span, the titular lie in April (the dub even has her say “You ready for it? Here it cooomes” all creepy and almost sadistic before she states what the lie was), how she toyed with the feelings of Watari and Tsubaki along the way as well, and in the build-up to her flat out love confession, she just goes full emotionally manipulative as fuck. appealing to Kosei through all the fond memories of times spent together. At the very end, she does at least apologize for being so selfish and for all the times she physically struck Kosei or was insensitive to him, and at the end of her life she did finally start to think more about what Kosei wanted and gave a fair shot to breaking from her selfish agenda in order to keep a promise to him that she was sadly doomed to break. So she did a lot of good in her life and I absolutely did not see her as beyond redemption - I just don’t think her last minute repentance was nearly enough of a makeup to Kosei for all the self-serving and hurtful stuff. It’s too little too late, and the only reason Kosei isn’t left off at as bad a place mentally as he was the first time he got deepy emotionally scarred and traumatized is ‘cause he has more people in his life to help him get past the tragedy (even Kaori in a spiritual sense), but I cannot really be as sold on the idea that Kosei will be doing totally alright from now on as the story clearly wants me to be. In the end, Kaori got more of what she wanted than Kosei got of what he needed, and that makes the story’s resolution seem like a downer.

Even in the final Kosei/Kaori piano/violin duet, which was stunningly beautiful, the sound of Kaori’s violin sounded eerie, like she was playing the Devil’s fiddle and trying to entice Kosei to follow her into the afterlife, which just made it relieving when she explodes and fades into the light. And it’s strange ‘cause this ending is a well-known anime tearjerker and made a lot of people cry, and you’d think it’d get more of an emotional response from me since I do love the character of Kaori a lot. And yet....nothing. At around the same time last year, the death of Korosensei in Assassination Classroom absolutely fucking wrecked me. It cut me deep and fucked me up, making me feel like I was losing someone important to me who’d given me so much invaluable help and good times throughout that particularly dark year. And I STILL can’t watch that moment without tearing up; I can’t even listen to the damn song because I’m filled with so much painful memories and feelings that come rushing back to me. It marked an important part of my life and left a lasting impact on me. This? Not even in the same ballpark. Not even close to the same emotional whallop. Because I was well prepared to say goodbye to Kaori and watch this thing end quite a while back, and the downright nefarious nature of Kaori’s actions made it a lot harder for me to feel much anguish when her time finally ran out. Her and Kosei’s final in-person talk on the hospital roof, with her breaking down, exposing her vunerability, and pleading with Kosei to not abandon or forget her was honestly a lot more feels-inducing to me.

As you can expect, NONE of the story and character issues I’ve covered are framed as being fucked up within the narrative of the series. It really seems like the audience is expected to subscribe to Kosei's romanticized view of Kaori and everything she put him through, especially since Kaori was not allowed her own POV where we get to see inside her head until that posthumous letter. Kaori has basically got a "good guy problem" that's the exact reverse of Gabriel Agreste's bad guy problem in that she's legit an interesting character and the most fascinating part of the story, but she's a terrible heroine. If you apply Death Of The Author and look at what is actually going on in the story, Kaori is a very flawed character who is dishonest, insensitive, manipulative and at worst downright emotionally abusive towards her "Friend A", and her motivations that are supposedly all about him/all for him are...really not that at all, they’re mostly selfish.  Fundamentally, I think Kaori is very much a good person and she definitely really cared about “Friend A” and the rest, and was seldom ever actively, knowingly seeking to do wrong by them. But she’s no angel - she never was. Her interests outweighed her morals a lot.

But this is all just my take. Everyone is free to read into this series what they want to, but for me, just as March Comes In Like A Lion shows how a depressed, traumatized teenage nerd boy can heal, overcome his issues, and forge a better life for himself with others he chooses to embrace as community and family in a healthy way, Your Lie In April shows an unhealthy proccess towards that exact same end that ultimately fails to fully and convincingly deliver. Take a bow, Kaori Miyazono. you magnificent bitch. You got your wish in the end.

[astormyjet]

Winter of 2018 - Summer of 2021 TIME FILES WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR 20s!!!!

OH BOY. It’s been three years (or more) since I updated this. “Time is a weird soup!” to quote a fave. I guess I quit tumblr around the time there was a purge of content and creators and a smack down on a lot of the fandom communities. Tumblr has always been something of a crapshow though so I’ve been more productive with my time than I was in some ways, but I’ve also found other ways to waste my time. *cough twitter/netflix/youtube/MTGArena cough*.

General Life Achievements since 2018 -JLPT N3 GET in 2019! -Blackbelt GET in 2018! -TESOL 120 Hour and BE 50 Hour Cert from online provider GET in 2021 -STUDENT LOAN BANISHED (Thank you grandparents) -Survived Apartment flooding in early 2020. -Mystery anxiety related illness and chronic pain in my left leg from early 2020 - Present. -A mythical 6th and 7th year on the JET Programme. -Started posting on Instagram a lot more about my wanderings around Matsuyama/Uwajima. Mainly old buildings and stray cats. @astormyknight -Surviving so far in Japan with old rona-chan.

2018 was rough. I was given an additional school in the first semester (March to July) as we had someone find a better job. I enjoyed it, but it was a bit of a rough go especially when I was transferred that August after three fantastic years at Tsubaki JHS and ES and only a semester there. I legit went through the five stages of grief - which I think is another reason I stopped blogging. I was given my current base school along with four other schools. Going from 2(3) to 5 schools was a bit of an adjustment. I still feel a bit spread out.

That said, I keep running into teachers and students who were at the Tsubaki’s. The teachers shuffle around every April, so it's always a lottery with which new faces are going to be old friends (or enemies…). A couple of kids moved and transferred into my current schools from Tsubaki too. So I have one kid I can say I've been teaching for 6 out of the 7 years I've been here!

One of the kids who was in JHS 3rd grade when I first got here (in 2015!) hangs out around one of my favorite cafes, so I got chatting with him recently. He's in his second year of nursing school - his class nearly broke me in the first year, it was really a trial by fire with those kids. I was 22 then, and he’s 20 now, so it was interesting chatting to him about that first year of teaching. His younger sister was one of my favorite students too, she was in the group of kids that graduated in the March of 2018, the year group that went through Tsubaki JHS with me - they’re newly minted University students now!

This Thursday morning when I was cycling in to work, a kid who was 2nd year JHS when I left  (so 2nd or 3rd year JHS now) pulled up with their Mum in a van and got their mamachari out of the back to bike to school. The franticness of it all was hilarious. Their Mum legit sat on the horn until I pulled over. I was so happy to run into this kid, even at social distance and both of us late to work/school - because we both remembered each other and as they were going around the corners they were yelling each time they turned and humming the old elementary school directions chant and pelting me with questions about what I’ve been up to.

I've had so many students and schools now, that everything is kind of running into a blur. I remember flashes of kids faces and voices, random memories of in class or out of class shenanigans out of the blue. Also, I now, more than ever, have issues remembering kids' names, but I still know their faces (even with their masks), whose homeroom class they were in, who their friends were and which club they were in. I get random flashbacks to past conversations with them when I see them on the street or we run into each other. I feel bad because the first thing former students ask is ‘Do you remember my name?’ and I always have to be like, ‘Honestly, no, but I remember you did this on x day, x month in x classroom’.

Socially in 2018 -2019 - a few of our friends went home and things shook up a little. Our DnD group changed a bit - one of our players stepped into the role forever DM (THANK YOU RALPH). From memory the newbies were great - some of them just went home at the start of last month and it’s weird not seeing them around (JESS DO YOUR BEST!). I think we only have one or two people left from that rotation. There’s no 6th year ALTs, and only two 5th years.

Aug 2018 - Aug 2019 was the year of Hiura - my mountain school. Dang man, they were so cool. The students of the JHS and the ES combined barely hit 30, so each class was between 3-10 students depending on the grade. It was easier to get to know the kids, their abilities and their goals than it has been for me at other schools. I miss it so bad, being in nature once a week did my country-kid heart so good! The bugs! The frogs! The river! The mountain! The monkeys! The lizards! The dilapidated houses and hidden shrines!!!! The random crabs in the English room...I forgot that there was such a thing as freshwater crabs, and being right next to a river, the invasion wasn’t as out of place as I first thought...  

The area is so picturesque and calming. Every week up there was a small adventure (after getting over my motion sickness from the bus ride up). The kids were constantly pranking either myself or the main English teacher. There was always some new weird bug or lizard in a tank to be educated about. There were chickens on the way to the JHS that used to escape from their cardboard box prisons to run riot on the gardens. There were old people to freak out with my youth and foreignness! The kids also got to do a lot of extra classes, sumiyakai (making charcoal the traditional way), planting and maintaining rice paddies, setting up vegetable gardens, raising fireflies, conserving a special breed of fire lily (only found in this particular mountain valley) and another rare flower, wilderness training ect.

I wish I could have stayed there a lot longer but SOMEONE (read...the BoE) decided that schools had to be shuffled again(thank goodness the dude who has it now was able to keep it from the 2021 shuffle, he's the best fit for the school). I had so many good memories from there, I wish I had been more consistent in writing it down. I do have a bunch of photos and videos from there though, so that's nice. The only thing I don’t miss is the bus trip up and down - not only was it motion sickness, there was a healthy dose of fear each ride as the driver brought us perilously close to the edge of the mountain drop…

2019 - 2020 was interesting. With the school I got given instead of the Hirua’s I was roped into more demonstration lessons which was a lot of pressure because I was also involved quite heavily with the JHS observation and training lessons too. They were somewhat rewarding, the third graders are now super smart 5th graders, but the teachers  who need to embrace the new curriculum and ways of teaching really haven’t taken on anything from the lessons....

Outside of work as well, I was given the chance, thanks to an ALT buddy of mine, to join in with the local festival. It's been one of the biggest highlights of my time here, and I am gutted it’s been cancelled for the last two years, but I understand the reason…. I was able to travel to Okinawa too during that summer for an international Karate seminar with the Dojo I train with. I met the head of the style I currently practice and a bunch of people from around the world. I also got to see Shuri castle before it burned down. So that was a stroke of luck. One of the places I want to go when/if we get out of this pandemic is Okinawa. I want to see more of those Islands so bad. Just before the whole pandemic thing too - I managed to see the Rugby World Cup, a Canada vs NZ match, I even ran into Tana Umanga in Oita city!!!

2019 - 2020 was supposed to be my last year on JET, so I was frantically Job hunting. I went to the Career Fair in Osaka in early Feb/Late January 2020. I applied and got interviewed for a position in Sendai in early Jan 2020. In the end though - the Rona hit. We started hearing whispers of it around the end of 2019, then the cruise boats happened, and then Japan refused to cancel the Olympics...every holiday season there is a new wave of infections, my nurse friends in Tokyo are struggling....my teacher friends in more populous areas of Japan are struggling…

JET couldn't get new ALTs for 2020-2021, I took the extra year when it was eventually offered, as the one job I had managed to get a serious offer for was hesitating because with the rona setting in, things were uncertain. There was a lot of time spent adjusting to the new rules surrounding what we could do in class with the kids as well as textbook change. Schools shut on and off during the spring months. 

I also got a reminder of my mortality mid May with an unrelated illness which is still smacking me around a bit - stress/age, it does things to the human body it has no right to. It's only been in the last three months I’ve been able to exercise like I used to, I’ve put on a bunch of weight I can't shrug off (one part medication, another part diet) My relationship with food needs to change, and I really need a kitchen that allows me for more than one pan meals. I also need to figure out what to do with a left leg that is in constant pain from the knee down and a heart that misses beats when stressed out (mentally and physically…). 

My apartment also got flooded by the guy upstairs at one point, I spent most of late February/early March living in a hotel while my walls and floor got redone - I think this was one of the things that really stressed me out and kicked my anxiety right up a notch, it was right when things were getting REALLY bad with rona-chan in Hokkaido and schools were shutting down here as it was filtering into the prefecture and so Japan closed schools for the first time…

Classes in covid times have been weird. We’ve been wearing facemasks full time since the early stages of the pandemic (March 2020) - so I admit that I get a bit pissed off seeing both Americans and New Zealanders back home bitching about just having to start wearing them full time in public. I have asthma and have been suffering with the things on during the 30*C plus with high 90s humidity summers. Teachers were offered vaccines late July 2021, just days before the Olympics were open - and I finished my two shots in the middle of August. But the overall distribution and take up of the jab has been slow.  As mentioned above, we can't play a lot of the games we used to play with kids in classes anymore, and a lot of the activities outlined in the textbook curriculum need to be adjusted too, so we’ve had to be creative. We use hand sanitizer a lot more too. One of the things I miss the most though, is eating lunch with the kids.

Socially from summer 2020 - now 2021 we played a lot of DnD and board games, both online and in person when we could. There were no new ALTs again for the 2021-2022 JET year, and those of us who were in 6th year were offered a 7th. Four out of six of us took it. As a whole we’re down from a peak of 38 ALTs for Junior High and Elementary school to 22 for now. We hopefully will get a new person at the end of September, and 4 more in November. Which will bring us to 27. This has led to ANOTHER round of school shuffles.

Summer vacation has been weird the last two years. With rona-chan, we haven’t really been able to travel. All the summer festivals (all the Autumn and Winter ones too!) have been cancelled, so the changing of seasons just feels, wrong. I dunno. There is so much we all miss from pre-rona-chan, and so much that doesn’t happen that makes this just feel like one long long unending year of sadness, coldness, raininess, unbearable heat and repeat. I’m tired. Time is going so fast, but so.dang.slow.

I lost my favorite school (AGAIN GDI!!!) and gained the school I taught a semester at in 2019....I had my first day there on Wednesday. Schools actually started back on September 1st so there was some drama as the BoE didn’t communicate fast enough about our school changes. We legit got told on the 27th of August (on a Friday) our schools were changing effective September 1st, but somehow some of our schools found out on the Monday 30th August. In July we were told we would be changing schools at the end of September, so.a lot of ALTs and schools were left short changed, not having opportunities to say goodbye to co-workers or students/having their planning for the semester more or less thrown out the window too. I love my job. I really dislike the way the BoE treats us, the Japanese assistant language teachers and our schools.

The new school I have is used to having an ALT there twice a week, who plans all the lessons and executes them. I’m at three elementary schools. I'm only at each once a week, I want to plan, but being that I miss an entire lesson in between visits, it's going to be difficult to do so. Not impossible, but being that I'm already doing it for two other schools, who are at two different places in the textbook ah…….. From what I have talked to my new supervisor about though, it sounds like the teachers have taken on more of the lesson planning and I'll be able to contribute ideas when I'm there. I just want to and wish I could do more without being confused all the time. (This is all usually done in my second language too, not in English so extra levels of confusion and miscommunication abound).

 I feel like this at my JHS too a lot of the time. I want to contribute more, but even with constant communication with my main in school supervisor (who is a badass and pretty much on the same page about everything with me) I still feel about as useful as tits on a bull. Especially now that classes have been cancelled and or shortened, there's less time to do stuff. Any game or activity I plan is usually cut in favor of making up time in the textbook. When I'm in class, I'm back to being a tape recorder, the fun police and general nuisance.　

Also in the last week...my two of my schools were  shut due to students testing positive for the rona. This is the second time my schools have had a scare in the last 8 months. And by shut, I mean the students were all at home, but the teachers  all had to come into the office. Because why not I guess….. I mean,  the cases increasing is really not unexpected with the amount of people who were travelling over obon and the increase of cases due to the Olympics/Japan being slow on vaccinating/delta being the dominant strain/Japan's leaders doing relatively little except asking shops and restaurants to limit people coming in at one time and closing before 8pm. I know my schools weren't the only one shut either - but still High Schools were having their sports days this week. I kept on seeing groups of kids hanging in the park after, so that was a little bit nerve wracking.

It's just frustrating - we’ve been on half days to “minimize the risk of infection” for kids and teachers, as if only being at school from 8am through to 1pm is going to reduce the risk.  My schools have only just started testing out Microsoft teams and Zoom lesson equipment. Thankfully our school’s run in this time was contained real quick, the family was super good about informing us when they got their results back, and the fact they needed to be tested. The homeroom teacher and the students from the same class were the only ones tested, and they all came back clear, which was nice. But the information came back so SLOW. 

I’m a little irritated because I found out on Wednesday night what was going on, and even if I am vaccinated, I am super worried that I will end up being the covid monkey due to being at different schools three days out of five. I think other than being worried that I will catch it myself and get real sick, my biggest fear is that I will be protected from bad symptoms from the vaccine, but still be able to pass it onto some of my more vulnerable friends and students. The whole thing is a mess.  

Other than Covid and BoE drama, life is good. I’ve had a couple of other big changes - both fantastic and not so great, but yeah.  I have my health (and health insurance!) for now. I have a job, for now. I have a sense of existential dread for the next 12 months, but we’ll see where we end up. Life post JET is going to be way less cushy and I am TERRIFIED. I mean, I have a BA in Eng/Ling and no idea what to do with it…..because I am NOT suited for academia.

TLDR: Love my job. Don’t like the system. What is life? Future scary. 

[lupinsx]

Jealousy

masterlist

Request: Could you do a draco x reader wherein she’s a close friend in their slytherin group (since she’s in slytherin + pure blood) but then she starts talking and getting close to Cedric which makes Draco super jealous but the only reason why she’s close with Cedric now is because she needs advice from him in order to confess her feelings for draco

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Slytherin!Reader

Summary: While Y/N seeks advice from Cedric on how to confess, Draco feels unnerved by their apparent budding romance. 

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: A frustrating amount of and misunderstandings (plus a kiss at the end).

a/n — Whew, this was my longest one-shot so far, but also my favourite! I feel like I really outdid myself 😅 The request was so cute, I hope you all enjoy reading this!

tags: @obsessedwithrandomthings

*contact me if you'd like to be added to the tag list!

——————————

Draco Malfoy had always been the one to catch your attention.

Whether it be when you'd both find yourselves in the middle of the Slytherin common room, take a passing glance in the hallway, or even coexist in the Great Hall during mealtimes; he would always reside in the corner of your vision, maintaining permanent tenancy in your thoughts.

It was always the same case. No different after this particular Herbology lecture either.

"Merlin, who decided to make gardening mandatory?" spoke the irritated voice of Theodore Nott. The rest of the group groaned in agreement, the hatred of the class being especially mutual.

You were just dismissed from Herbology, the last class of the day, and was now walking alongside the rest of your Slytherin friends. The group consisted of a handful of fourth years—Pansy Parkinson, Theodore Nott, Blaise Zabini, Daphne Greengrass, you, and Draco Malfoy. The six of you became inseparable after mere introductions before the sorting; the friendship is still running strong today.

"Cut it some slack," you drawled with a playful grin. "Having a trivial class amidst our schedule does provide a decent release.”

Letting out a mocking chuckle, Pansy nodded. "That's true. Even an eight-year-old wouldn't find Herbology mentally strenuous. It's just playing with plants.”

"And that's why no right-minded student would willingly choose it if presented the choice," Blaise added with a scowl.

While the group continued to slam the class they were just in, you halted your words upon the sight of a familiar sixth year, head peeking out amongst the crowd of shorter kids. Jogging slightly ahead, you crashed into said student with a bone-crushing hug.

"Cedric!" you exclaimed with a relieving smile. He returned the hug with an arm lazily draped across your upper back, inciting a subtle response from a boy standing nearby.

Draco couldn't help but roll his eyes at the sight of Cedric Diggory. Lately, he seemed to be the only person you associate with outside of the group. Unfortunately, you being friendly with certain males was a recipe for a jealous Draco. And Cedric most definitely counted as one of those males.

"Hey kiddo," Cedric replied, ruffling your hair with his free hand before pulling away from the embrace. A faint gag-like noise can be heard from the group, though it ultimately went unnoticed by you.

Lowering your voice to a level audible only to Cedric, you hissed, "I need to talk to you."

"Of course," he mumbled in response before looking to the group of Slytherins with a sheepish grin. Before speaking, Cedric slung an arm over your shoulder.

"Hey, do you guys mind if I steal Y/N for a moment?"

With a harsh sneer, Draco crossed his arms and diverted his eyes from the pair. "She's all yours."

The hasty response enkindled a sense of dejection in your heart. He seemed far too eager to get rid of your presence, though you ignored the prospect of this purely being you overthinking.

"Alright then," you said with a slight stammer. Looking to Cedric before heading off, you added, "I'll see you guys later."

Upon the pair's departure, an ill-tempered expression found its way onto Draco's inscrutable countenance. He released his held arms and let out a loud scoff. It was then when the rest of the group took notice of his visible annoyance.

"What's getting you all cross?" Daphne joked as she landed a harsh pat onto Draco's back. "Is it a certain someone? Or certain people?"

A chorus of ooh's followed as Draco turned away in an attempt to conceal his increasingly red face. Clearing his throat, he adjusted his bag strap before addressing the group.

"I'm gonna rest at the dorm," he lied before abruptly taking off, his speed preventing any responses from being made. Rather than heading to the common room, he instead chose to wander around the hallways. Draco needed to clear his head alone, or else his mind would be consumed with the various what-if's appearing whenever you'd leave with Cedric.

Draco was never one to be jealous. He had always been too absorbed in himself to think quite highly of another. It was only until this year when you had become close with one of the esteemed Hogwarts champions that his self-image no longer feels as superlative.

After all, he had always felt prideful of how someone of your intelligence and grandeur paid attention to him. The mere fact that you choose to associate with Draco, even if it's amongst a group, filled him with joy. But when this widely praised Hufflepuff came into the picture, he couldn't help but feel jealous at the thought of someone else making you happy.

He wanted to be the one that makes you laugh. The person responsible for your gleeful expressions and carelessly wide grins.

But how could he when Cedric had now captured your gaze?

Little did Draco know, he couldn't be further from the truth. He had consumed your head to the point of needing a verbal release, and that's exactly why Cedric came into the picture.

"I wish you had seen the way he handled the Mandrake! His face in those earmuffs was too adorable," you cried from within your palms, face buried in it as you swung your legs back and forth.

You were currently in the library, perched on top of a table as you ranted to the boy seated in front of you. The topic at hand was the usual one, being Draco Malfoy and how utterly amazing he is to you.

“I can imagine,” Cedric replied in a sarcastic tone, chuckling at your love-struck nature.

You lightly slapped his arm. “Don’t make fun of me! You don’t know how hard it is to pay attention in class when he is sitting five feet away.”

“But are you ever gonna tell him that?”

“That won’t be necessary.” You were quick to reject his proposal. It wasn’t the first time Cedric suggested coming clean to Draco about your feelings for him, but it certainly won’t be the last you turn it down simply out of fear. Only if you deem a positive reaction at least 70% likely you will attempt a confession, but until then, you were content with concealing your true thoughts.

Unfortunately, your hasty response caught the attention of Madam Pince, who glared at you two disapprovingly. “Silence. The library is not a place for conversation.”

With a sheepish look, you both stood up to leave. “Sorry, Madam Pince.”

Exiting the library, you and Cedric simply ambled along the deserted corridor, conversing mindlessly about Draco’s soft hair and the Triwizard Tournament. Somewhere along, the Yule Ball was brought up, inciting a small blush on your cheeks.

“You’re gonna ask Draco, right?” Cedric asked with an enthusiastic tone, giving a playful nudge. You offered merely a tentative shrug in response.

“I really want to but... what if he doesn’t agree? What if someone else already asked and he said yes? Or what if he’s waiting for someone else to ask—”

Putting a finger to your lips to halt your words, he gave your shoulder an encouraging squeeze. “Don’t overthink it, he’d be an idiot to say no to you.”

His words proved to be only slightly comforting as you stammered, “But there are too many factors involved; I’m just not ready! How would I even ask him to the ball? How would I know what to say?”

“With practice, of course.”

Cedric grabbed your arms, repositioning your body to face him in the middle of the hallway. He then released your frame and clasped his hands. “There. Pretend I’m Draco. Now tell me how you feel and ask me to the Yule Ball.”

You glanced at him hesitantly for a moment but then eased up after he flashed you a wide grin. “Alright. So uh, hello Draco. I have something to say to you.”

Without you two knowing, the real Draco had just turned the corner, entering the hallway in which you two occupied. Upon seeing the tense atmosphere, he merely stood back, subtly hiding behind the wall in curiosity of what’s being said.

“Yes, Y/N?”

With one large intake of air, you spoke quickly before your mind could second-guess the words being said. “I like you. A lot.”

While Cedric smiled proudly at your confidence, Draco froze in his position. He had always suspected your feelings for the Hogwarts champion, but for you to boldly confess was beyond his predictions. He couldn’t ignore the pangs in his chest following his what-if’s being confirmed right in front of his eyes.

Cedric wanted you to feel assured with what you’re doing, so without any hesitancy, he played along. “I like you too, Y/N. A lot.”

Strangely enough, despite knowing this was a fake confession, you felt mildly relieved. Almost ready for the actual confession with Draco. With a small smile, you continued the practice. “On that note, I was wondering if you’d like to accompany me to the Yule Ball? I mean, it’s alright if you say no—”

Cedric grabbed your wrist, interrupting you with an encouraging grin. “It’s alright. Yes, I’ll go with you.”

You nearly leaped into his arms, hugging him tightly. “Thank you,” you mumbled under your breath, referring to his help in building up your courage. However, it wasn’t interpreted similarly with the boy spying nearby.

Draco’s breath was hitched in his throat as he watched the encounter. His heart only seemed to drop lower with every word, officially crashing upon sight of the intimacy at the end. Of course, he thought to himself in despondency. Of course, she picks him.

He clenched his fist, jealousy coursing through his veins. In an attempt to shield himself from further pain, he walked away, mind and legs set on getting out of the castle immediately.

Though amidst his internal agony, he forgot one small detail; you and Cedric stood merely a few feet away. Draco was quick to realize when he accidentally walked past you two conspicuously.

“Oh, Draco?”

The said boy paused in his steps, cringing at his own dull-witted mistake. Turning on his heel, he flashed a fake smile towards you two.

“Hey,” Draco drawled in an awkward tone, eyes moving anywhere but where you stood. While you appeared positively delighted by his presence, Cedric merely scrutinized his countenance.

“Where are you headed?” you asked, feigning nonchalance to mask your flustered state. However, Draco’s uninterested look and dull tone threw you off.

“Dorms,” he simply replied.

You frowned at his indifference, though tried to brush it off in an attempt to recall Cedric’s words. He had told you not to overthink things, so you weren’t planning on doing so. “Great! I was gonna go there too, wanna walk together?”

It was a bold move on your part. You almost never approached Draco outside of a group setting, so the gesture earned a surprised but pleased glance from your friend. Draco scowled at the sight of Cedric eyeing you, finding his anger rising to the surface once more.

“Actually, I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” And with that, Draco left in hasty steps. He needed to properly clear his head. The first attempt ultimately failed, aiding in his budding jealousy, but another try must be made in order for him to sleep that night without drowning in thoughts of inflicting pain on that Cedric Diggory.

As you watched your longtime crush curve your suggestion with a great deal of speed, you felt the small bit of courage gained crumble down inside you, leaving only a lump of misery residing where the hope had previously been.

“Y/N—” Cedric’s attempt at comforting you was cut short when you immediately turned away, trying to reach your room before you could burst into tears. While he watched your slouched figure make its way towards the Slytherin common room, he couldn’t help but dwell over a particular observation, inciting hope inside him for his dejected friend.

Was that jealousy I saw on Draco?

~~~

The next day, you found yourself indifferent towards the previous night's events. You chose to accept the supposed truth of Draco simply not being into you. Being friends with him was enough, you would tell yourself. As long as you get to see him every day, admiring in secret was enough.

“I wanna go to bed already,” you heard Pansy whine amongst the various other noises filling the Great Hall. Breakfast was nearly over, and the group was just finishing up their meals before getting ready for class.

“Doesn’t everyone?” you interjected with a small chuckle, scarfing down the rest of your toast.

As the six of you prepared to head out at the sound of the bell, a presence made itself known in front of you. They initially went unnoticed, until the absence of chatter and the clearing of a throat brought you back to reality.

Stood in front of the Slytherin Table was Cedric Diggory, his signature smile painted onto his face as he clutched his bag strap. His appearance in this area of the dining hall earned him some contemptuous glares from the Slytherins, though you disregarded their looks as you offered a brief side hug.

��Cedric? Don’t you have class?” you asked, curious at his sudden arrival. Ensuring a particular platinum-haired boy was watching, he wrapped an arm around your waist and brought you closer to him.

“Play along, I’m doing this for you,” he hastily whispered, leaning down to speak in your ear. He then pulled his face back before speaking in a tone audible for the group nearby. “Is it bad that I wanted to see you once more? Let me walk you to class.”

You both internally cringed at his loving tone, but a stronger reaction was visible with Draco instead. He was quick to step forward and interrupt the moment.

“Actually, I was going to take her.”

While your eyes widened in surprise, Cedric merely smirked and took a step back. “Well then, I wouldn’t want to steal her away,” he said before heading to the Hufflepuff table, pride laced through his steps. It was at that moment when you understood why he initiated the contact.

That sly bastard.

Before any of Slytherins could follow along, before you could pipe up with an objection, and before Draco can begin questioning where in the hell the sudden confidence came from, he grabbed your wrist and took off. It was an amusing attempt at a romantic stroll, really.

Still, you found yourself blushing like a young schoolgirl. Even if he was practically dragging you down the hall, your rose-coloured lens saw the beauty in such intimacy. If your brain wasn't preoccupied with the reason behind it, you might have been more of a nervous wreck.

For starters, why had he even suggested this? How had Cedric's half-assed attempt at invoking jealousy miraculously work?

You ultimately decided to put aside the questioning thoughts for a moment and savour the physical contact. Draco was beginning to slow his pace to a calming saunter, presumably noticing the speed and manner in which he walked you with. With a subtle gesture, he dropped the hand enclosing your wrist to meet your palm instead, staring off nonchalantly as he did so.

It seemed at that moment, a swarm of bees erupted from the deepest corners of your heart.

Draco felt a similar sensation, being a thousand fireworks going off at once inside of him. Such an insignificant gesture, merely shifting his hand an inch lower to meet yours, yet it meant the world to you both. Embarrassingly enough, neither could remain eye contact throughout the remainder of the stroll.

When the Transfiguration class came into view and Draco stopped in his track, you felt your reverie shatter in an abrupt motion. He glanced towards you, tentatively releasing your grip.

Upon the lack of touch, you found yourself regaining consciousness, consequentially resuming your overthinking. Rather than waiting for him to speak, you chose to assume his negative response and leave to preserve your emotions early.

Thus, without offering another glance, you entered the classroom and strode towards your desk.

Leaving a certain platinum-haired boy behind, wondering what he did wrong to cause such repulsion.

"Settle down, class," spoke the authoritative voice of Professor McGonagall.

Throughout the lesson, you had your mind running in various different directions. Part of you wished to continue swooning over Draco and how he held your hand, while the other part dwelled over his hesitancy at the end, likely meaning he regretted what he had done. It made sense to you that he would.

Meanwhile, Draco felt bad about how quickly you left once he released your hand. Maybe she just wanted Cedric to walk her, he thought to himself sadly. Maybe I was just interfering.

Oh, how thoroughly incorrect they both were.

By the end of class, you wanted to approach the matter one last time and ask Draco whether he truly felt regret rather than bawl over mere possibilities.

As the rest of the class filed out, leaving only you and Draco remaining, you slowly walked up to him. He had his face pointed down as he shoved the books into his bag messily. By the time you had reached close enough to begin speaking, he simply slung his bag over his shoulder and left the classroom with hardly any time to spare.

He just walked off, very much aware of your presence.

And somewhere in Draco's twisted little mind, he thought he was doing the right thing. By evading confrontation, he wouldn't have to hear you openly reject him, and you could be happy with Cedric.

He wouldn't be interfering that way. It was for the best.

Though you both tried to empathize with the situation, neither managed to avoid the tears by the end of the day.

~~~ 

The last three days had been excruciating for you, mentally and emotionally. You wanted to brush past the incident as you did the day before, but it somehow hurt more this time. You felt mildly confident after the stroll and hand-holding gesture, but him proceeding to ignore you shortly afterwards shattered all remaining bits of hope.

You wanted to get over it. You wanted to get over him. But you didn’t know how.

It was currently late in the evening, and the Slytherin common room appeared to be deserted. You intended to take a minor detour from the dorms, instead seeking your friend in order to clear your head. Swiftly, you made your way down the stairs, checking for any wandering students.

After you deemed it safe to exit, you approached the portrait hole with furtive steps. Though very quickly, you found your inspection to be flawed.

“Y/N?”

“Damn it,” you muttered under your breath before glancing up slowly. Your face held a sheepish sort of surprise at the presence of another in the common room.

Once the figure came into view, you were startled by the sight of Draco Malfoy, eye-bags prominent amidst his sickly pale face. You hadn’t seen him often since that lesson. He would rarely attend mealtimes, or appear for five minutes whenever he would. The majority of shared classes he had ditched, miraculously coming down with a cold before each one. The entire group was beginning to feel quite worried—you included.

“Where are you going?” he asked, his voice small and timid. It no longer held the same imposing and prideful aura you had always admired.

Clearing your throat, you looked to your feet as you spoke. “To see Cedric.”

That line seemed to hit a nerve within Draco, because the moment the name left your lips, his face twisted into a scowl. Upon tilting your head back up, you were met with his ill-tempered expression.

“Draco? What’s the matter?” you stammered. Ignoring your question, he ran his fingers through his hair and tugged on them with frustration.  Draco then looked to you with desperation pouring through his silver-tinted eyes.

“What does he have that I don’t?”

You merely stared at him in response, blinking with confusion. As he glanced at you expectantly, you found it hard to produce the words in your throat.

“Well? What is it?” he pressed further, taking a step in your direction before continuing. 

“Is it the fact that he’s the esteemed Hogwarts champion? His popularity? His looks? What made you fall for him,” Draco paused for a moment, lowering his voice to a shaky whisper, “and not me?”

You never caught that last part, so instead, you waved your hands to shut down the assumptions. “Me and Cedric, we are just friends—”

“Oh, bullshit.”

“Bullshit? How can you be so sure?”

“Because I saw you confess,” he snapped. The area went quiet for a moment, Draco attempting to calm himself back down, while you were left stunned. “And I saw you ask him to the Yule Ball. Friends don’t do that.”

After rummaging your mind for any instance he might be referring to, you suddenly recalled the practice confession a couple of days ago. It didn’t take long for you to connect the dots and realize Draco appeared in front of you right after the profession was over.

“Draco, you have the wrong idea. What you heard back there— I wasn’t confessing to him.” Draco held a look of disbelief, which was understandable given what a wild claim it was. It did look exactly what Draco was thinking. You knew the only way to convince him was to divulge what really went down.

“Then what was it?” he prompted with a dry chuckle.

“He was helping me practice what to say to you!”

“Say to me? What do you mean—” Draco paused, his eyes widening upon realizing your words. You took the silence as a gesture to continue.

“Draco, I like you. A lot.”

And once again, the room went quiet. His lips parted, words stuck in the back of his throat. The cherry shade washed over his cheeks went unseen under the dim lighting. You simply stood in front of him, rocking on your heel as you await a reply.

After what felt like an hour of pure silence, you decided to follow through with what was planned days before. With Cedric’s encouragement in mind, you took a deep breath. “And I was wondering if you’d like to go to the Yule Ball with me?”

Draco’s eyes became impossibly wider, and without uttering a single word, he nodded ever so slightly. The shock was still evident on his face as he did so.

“Actually? You will?” you asked, jubilation apparent in your tone. Until your expression faltered, and you began doubting yourself and his agreement. “Wait, do you truly want to go? You know, you don’t have to agree out of pity—”

Before you could continue rambling on, the soundless boy halted your words with a swift motion, connecting your lips with his. 

The abrupt kiss had rendered you frozen, eyes squeezed shut in complete surprise. It was only when you felt his cold fingers brush over the exposed skin on your waist that your nerves sprang back to life, and you began kissing back with equal fervour.

You felt the urgency in the way Draco had kissed you. The desperation, as if the moment he’s let go, you would be with Cedric and he would be crying alone in the common room. He wanted to savour this before it would all come crumbling down, because he genuinely believed that it all would at the end.

Until you pulled away, and expecting the worse, he was met with an airy chuckle erupting from the base of your throat. It was quite possibly the most delightful sound he had ever heard.

“You’d really go with me?” you said under your breath, a wide grin still painted on your face as Draco kept his grip around your waist.

Planting a small peck on your forehead, he reassured, “Of course I will. What more would I ever want?”

The rest of the evening was spent within each other’s grasp, feelings of security and comfort prevalent throughout the tranquil night. Worries from the days before had slipped your minds; all that remained was thoughts of one another.

And nothing else can get in the way.

——————————

a/n — And there you have it! Thanks for reading 💞 Please like, comment, and reblog to show support! Feel free to send requests or feedback in my asks.

[ladyfogg]

May I? - 24/?

May I? - 24/?

Fic Summary: Ensign Faith Diaz struggles to hide her mental illness from her fellow shipmates aboard the Enterprise until an intrigued Data goes out of his way to try to understand her behavior. At his insistence, Faith tries to figure out what she’s truly passionate about and eventually seeks the professional help she needs. Fic Masterpost.

Fic Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Data/Female OC

Warnings: tw: depression, tw: anxiety, fluff, friends to lovers, eventual smut

Faith was not expecting Data to gather her into his arms, nor did she expect the dominance he displayed while carrying her over the threshold. He had carried her before but this time it felt more intense, more personal. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she replayed the image with a rather different scenario, one where her dress was white instead of blue. But that was quickly shoved away for more pressing matters. 

Her head was spinning with emotion. The evening had been a perfect one, something she had made sure of. Everything had gone off without a hitch and she couldn’t be happier. All the hard work she had put into the show over the last few weeks had paid off. It had been better than she could have ever imagined. Data had finally received recognition for his paintings and everyone was able to see how special he truly was. 

On the personal side of things, she would be lying if she said she hadn’t hoped her look would draw a reaction out of him. His ever-evolving emotions had been an incredible experience to share. While she had been content to sit back and allow him to develop and process at his own pace, a small part of her couldn’t help but explore the reactionary side of things. Witnessing such an open and honest emotional response was beautiful and she felt honored to be the one who got to see them up close. 

“Computer, dim lights and activate the do-not-disturb mode,” Data ordered as the doors closed behind them. 

The computer acknowledged his order and the lights dimmed, giving the room a more romantic atmosphere. Faith slid her hand up the back of Data’s neck and into his hair as she pulled him into a deep kiss. He complied but much rougher than he had in the past. This time when their lips met, there was an urgency she had never felt from him before. His dominant moment on the shuttle had been fleeting and calculated. Neither one of those words described what was happening at that moment. 

He kissed her like he couldn’t get enough. Like he wanted to taste every crevice of her mouth which he was able to do with a flick of that tongue. She found herself carried to the bed, the kiss broken only so he could place her onto it. His eyes took her in with calculated precision, darting up and down her body as if he didn’t know where to start first. 

Being Data, his mind was made up almost immediately. The next thing she knew, her dress was shoved up around her waist and his hands had torn off her underwear with ease. Faith gasped at the action, both with surprise and arousal. 

He paused. “Was that too forward of me?”

“Keep going,” she urged. “I told you I wanted you to give in to your emotions and I meant it. I’ll tell you to slow down if I need to.”

With an understanding nod, Data leaned in for another kiss, which Faith happily provided. Those big hands of his grabbed her waist and suddenly tugged her close so he was kneeling snuggly between them. He seemed determined to touch all of her while their tongues danced, his long slender fingers stroking her thighs before digging into her backside. 

Kisses rained down along her chin and jawline as he made his way to her neck. Faith was entirely at his mercy and loving every second of it. Every touch and kiss made her melt against until she was practically putty in his clearly capable hands. He hadn’t even touched her arousal yet and she was already lost. Lost in the emotions of the moment and the electrical sensations coursing through her body. 

He pulled back from her suddenly, leaving Faith cold and desperate for more.

Before she could whine or protest, she watched as he unzipped his uniform. Eager for more, she helped him out of his clothing, the sight of his naked form making her breathing erratic from excitement. It didn’t even occur to her to work on her own clothing. She was too focused on Data to really think about herself, other than the incessant throbbing between her legs.

When Data kissed her again, she wrapped her legs around his waist, drawing him as close to her as possible. The tip of his cock slid through her folds and when she gasped from the sensitivity, he pushed into her with one quick thrust. 

The sensation of being suddenly so full took her breath away. 

His name was on the tip of her tongue but words failed her when he started to take her with quick, deep thrusts. Data had always been gentle with Faith and while he still took great care not to hurt her, his sudden roughness was an exhilarating change. She had no idea how to respond other than to cling to him tightly and enjoy every second of it. 

His mouth was everywhere. On her neck. On her jaw. On her cheek. On her lips. It seemed as though he was determined to kiss every inch of her face. Faith wound her fingers in his hair, tugging his head back so she could give him a full, proper kiss. He allowed the movement, lips sealing over hers with near bruising force as he kept up the steady rhythm between her legs. She felt his arms lock around her waist and suddenly he dragged her up onto his lap as he sat back on his knees. She took over their movements, her arms wrapped around his shoulders as she writhed on his lap. 

Data stared up into her eyes, enraptured. “I think of you this way during my duties,” he said, his voice as steady and calm as it ever was. There was a slight change to it, however. A tenseness that was so subtle, Faith almost missed it had she not been so accustomed to his voice. “You seemed to have achieved the improbable, Faith. You...distract me.”

Faith bit her lip. The angle of their coupling had her body hot and wanting for more. More of everything. More of his hands on her flesh, his words in her ears, his body pressed to hers…

He had never spoken during sex unless it was to ask her how he was performing. She wanted to respond, to tell him how he had distracted her from the moment he caught her in the Jeffries Tubes. But she didn’t dare interrupt or derail him. 

“I look forward to returning to our quarters in the evening because I know you will be there. I enjoy looking over and seeing you laying next to me in bed. I did not realize how alone I was until I met you. I do not believe I will ever be alone again.”

She kissed him, so overcome by emotion that she couldn’t help herself. His hands slid under her dress to grip her hips, taking over her movements when she became too distracted. 

Faith came quite quickly after that. The pleasure built so suddenly it took her a moment to register what was happening before her body locked into place and the waves of pleasure consumed her. Data laid her down on the bed, still deep inside her even as he settled her against the pillows. 

“Faith? Are you alright? I recognize that you orgasmed but I was rougher than I intended and I—”

She placed her fingertips against his lips to stop him. “That...was...amazing.”

Her body still shook from pleasure and the fact that he was still inside her. They had never tested the limits of her own body and she was tempted to do so. Impatiently, she yanked off the dress she had treated so lovingly only hours earlier. Before she could ask him to touch her, Data’s hands were already on her flesh, running up her soft stomach to grab her breasts. 

She moaned at the touch, at ease in her pleasure and body for the first time in her entire life. 

“Data, please keep going,” she sighed, clenching around him. “I need more of you.”

He covered her with his body, thrusting deeply into her quivering heat. Faith lost track of everything that wasn’t Data. It wasn’t until she collapsed in a heap of shaking limbs many hours later that her pleasure was finally sated. 

Data’s hair was a mess from her fingers and her sweat had transferred to his body, which almost made it seem as if he was sweaty himself. Even still, he cupped her cheek and caught her lips in one more, deep kiss. Faith was too out of breath and tired to kiss back so she just laid there and enjoyed it, her body delightfully loose and thrumming with aftershocks of pleasure. 

“I’m so happy,” she said, breathless once he pulled away. 

“I am glad to hear it.”

She curled against his side, her head resting on his chest as he drew the blanket up to cover her. Basking in his warmth and solid presence, she wanted to stay away and enjoy the moment, but she was too exhausted. Before she knew it, her eyes were closed had drifted off to sleep. 

The next morning when she awoke, Data was not laying with her. Although she was disappointed, she knew duty came first and shrugged off the feeling. He wasn’t at his console, which could only mean he was probably on the Bridge. 

Faith eased her sore body out of bed and into the shower, where she stood for a long time under the hot spray. Her heart felt light for the first time in years. And even though the dark thoughts and anxieties still plagued her, they were silent now, tucked away where they couldn’t bother her bright mood. She would have loved to sleep for a few more hours but she had an appointment with Deanna to get to. 

She had gotten so comfortable with Deanna, she almost forgot that when they talked it was therapy. It normally felt like a friendly chat. When she thought about how nervous she was in the beginning, it made her chuckle. 

Deanna had tea waiting when Faith arrived. She gave her a bright smile and offered her the seat across from her. “Good morning, Faith. You’re looking very relaxed this morning.”

“Oh, I feel very relaxed.” Faith took her seat and accepted the tea Deanna offered. 

“I supposed after all the work on the art show you must feel like a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders.”

“Right. The art show.” Faith had been so wrapped up in the wonderful night of passion, she had honestly completely forgotten about the show. 

Deanna raised her eyebrow. “I take it the success of the art show isn’t what’s got you in such a good mood?”

Faith suddenly felt self-conscious. She had never been one to talk about sex and even after her relationship with Data had turned intimate, she still wasn’t comfortable talking about it with anyone but him. Her smile faded slightly.

“It’s a big part,” she said, backtracking. “I’m just happy.”

Deanna studied her for a moment before lowering her own teacup. “Faith,” she said in that steady tone that meant she was able to ask something deep. “I’d like to talk to you about sex.”

“Do we have to?”

“We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about,” Deanna reminded her. “But I do feel like we should at least touch upon the subject. I understand it’s a topic you don’t particularly enjoy discussing. But sex is a perfectly natural part of human life. There’s no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed.”

“I’m not either. I just…” Faith took a deep breath, trying to put her thoughts into words. It was always so much easier to talk about these things with Data. “Sex has never really been a big part of my life. So, I’ve never felt the need to talk about it.”

“And is it a part of your life now?”

Faith’s mind flashed back to the night before, wrapped in sweaty sheets with Data pumping himself between her legs. There was a stab of desire in her gut and she tried to suppress a smirk. “Yes. Yes, it is.”

“I’m happy to hear that you and Data have decided to explore intimacy together. And I hope that you at least feel comfortable to discuss sex with him.”

“I do! He...he’s actually the only person I have ever felt comfortable talking about sex with. I mean, not at first but, eventually. He’s very...receptive.”

Deanna quirked her eyebrow and Faith could tell she was trying to not smirk at the choice of words. “I’m sure he is.” She cleared her throat and picked up her tea once more. “Now, let’s discuss your work. I understand you’ve been putting in many hours. Last we spoke, you talked about feeling rundown. Is that still the case?”

“A bit, yeah. I mean, now that the art show is over it definitely helps to have the added stress of it gone. But when I think of all the work I have to do and the projects I’m in the middle of, I start to get overwhelmed.”

“If I remember correctly, several of those projects will be wrapping up within the next few weeks. Have you given any thoughts on taking shore leave?”

Faith sighed, buying herself time by taking a sip of her own tea. “Data suggested we take shore leave together.”

“I think that would be a wonderful idea.”

“Yeah. Maybe.”

“Why maybe?”

Faith pondered the question, unsure of how to answer. Part of the reason she was reluctant to leave the Enterprise wasn’t just due to guilt, as she had told Data. Sure, it was a large part of it. But there was something else holding her back. Something she hadn’t quite realized until that moment. She thought back on the last time she had left the ship with Data and the absolute disaster that followed. From the shuttle crash to being kidnapped by Fajo, and the fight on the Bridge…

She tried not to think about what happened and cleared her mind until there was nothing there. Her vision swam and suddenly the room around her seemed brighter as she began to hyper-focus on her surroundings and yet somehow not focus at the same time. 

She hadn’t realized she had been silent for some time until Deanna gave her a look of concern. “Faith, are you still with me?” 

Faith blinked. “Yeah. Yeah, I am. Sorry.”

“Where did you go just now?”

“I...I don’t know.”

Deanna put her tea down and took the cup from Faith, who hadn’t realized she had been about a moment away from spilling it on herself. “I have never known you to dissociate before.”

“That’s the first time that’s ever happened.”

Deanna got up from her own chair to kneel before Faith, taking both her hands in her own. “What were you thinking about before you blanked out?”

“All the stuff that happened with Fajo.”

“Is that why you’re hesitant to leave the ship with Data? Because of what happened the last time?”

Faith nodded, swallowing past the lump in her throat. “I think so. I don’t want to be scared but deep down I am. So many things happened when Data and I were trying to get together, and things have been so good now, I’m...I’m afraid of risking it.”

She surprised herself when she started crying. Normally, she could feel the tears come but this time she didn’t and they fell freely. Deanna pulled her into a tight hug. “It is okay to be scared,” she said, her voice muffled by Faith’s hair. “What you went through was terrible and completely upended your sense of security. If you aren’t ready for shore leave with Data because of it, that’s okay. It’s going to take time.”

“Why does everything take time? Why can’t I just do things like regular people do?”

“Faith, you are a regular person. Having a mental illness doesn’t change that.” Deanna pulled away to look her in the eye. “I think you’ve been throwing yourself into your work in the hope that it’ll rush your recovery but it won’t. I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but one day, the thought of leaving the Enterprise won’t seem so scary. I promise.”

Faith nodded, wiping her tears away with her sleeve. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“In the meantime, try to rest and take some time off on the ship when you can. That’s an order from a senior officer.”

The smile on Deanna’s face made Faith smile and she couldn’t help but let out a chuckle. “Yes, sir.”

They finished their session and Faith’s immediate thought was to head to Engineering. But she found herself physically and emotionally drained. Instead, she headed to her quarters. She didn’t have the strength to feel guilty about it either. She sat at her terminal and sent Geordi a quick message explaining that she didn’t feel well before she undressed and curled into bed. 

Spot, who had grown used to Faith being gone most of the day, jumped up on the bed to check on her. Faith reached out to stroke the cat’s head, surprised when Spot started purring. Faith rolled over onto her side and Spot made herself comfortable against her stomach. It was soothing running her fingers through the cat’s fir and feeling the vibrations of her purring. 

When Data found them like that a few moments later, Spot didn’t even bother to pretend like she wasn’t enjoying it. 

“Faith? I am surprised to find you in bed. Did you not go to your counseling session?”

“I did. But it was pretty intense so I decided to just come back here and rest.”

Data looked at her with a perfectly replicated look of concern. “Do you require comfort?”

His question made her smile. “That’d be nice.”

Data climbed into bed, spooning up behind her and draping his arm around her waist. “I am willing to listen if you would like to share your feelings.”

Faith hugged his arm and snuggled in closer. “Thanks, babe. I think I will.”

[citrineghost]

Can we stop romanticizing caffeine addiction?

I’m not saying people shouldn’t enjoy coffee. By all means. But, can we stop normalizing the reliance on caffeine to get by day to day? Can we stop pressuring other people to use caffeine to get by? I feel like this is something that has slowly become pervasive in, at least, American society.

I have a lot of important stuff to say on this, but I want it to be clear that it’s mostly observation and based on things I’ve heard with no source. I skimmed some articles for this to check if I was off-base, but most of them were about chemical effects, rather than social effects. If you follow me, you know I tend to have a lot of opinions about sociological matters, and that’s what this is. I don’t have a degree. I’m not a chemist or a doctor. Take what you read with a grain of salt. If anyone has further information or sources on these topics, I highly encourage you to reblog and share them, both for my own research and for others’ education.

Before reading, please consider taking this survey I made to further study how people consume caffeine. Every response helps! If I get enough survey responses, I’ll create an addition to this post with a breakdown of the information I’ve gathered.

Analysis under the cut

It’s treated almost like how young people treat alcohol.

You’ll see teenagers and college students who go out drinking every day they don’t have school the next morning, take shots on weekdays, and drink alcohol from water bottles when they’re stressed. As long as they’re not drunk 100% of the time - as long as they aren’t a 40 year old surrounded by empty beer bottles and a stack of divorce papers, they can’t be an alcoholic, right? While a lot of people might grow out of their abuse of alcohol, all of those teens and college students who don’t end up growing into those miserable middle-aged people that they felt so separate from - so superior to - as young adults.

The same way alcohol is treated as a solution to stress, caffeine is treated like a solution to fatigue. Again, I am NOT saying that drinking some coffee when you’re a bit tired is some kind of moral dilemma. What I am saying is that, while it doesn’t have the same effects as alcohol, caffeine is an active substance that affects how your body functions. It increases your heart rate. It makes you feel more alert. It is a stimulant.

To get an idea of how caffeine affects the body and mind, consider for a moment that people with ADHD frequently self medicate with caffeine without realizing that’s what they’re doing. The stimulant effects of caffeine do very similar things to what amphetamines do. For someone with ADHD, this can be helpful in focusing. Ask someone with ADHD if caffeine energizes them and many will tell you that it actually feels calming. I know, as a teen, coffee was a before bed treat for me. That’s because, with ADHD, the brain is understimulated and overcompensating for it. By stimulating it, it stops working overdrive and chills out because it’s getting the stimulation it should be producing by itself.

However, when non-ADHD people drink caffeine, it amps them up. It gives them energy and they become chemically dependent on it - i.e. addicted to it. You can see evidence of caffeine addiction by stopping drinking it. If you drink coffee every single day, try going without it for a week. You’ll probably start getting aching, throbbing headaches.

Don’t forget that caffeine is an addictive substance, even if it’s normalized.

“Oh, it’s just a caffeine headache. That’s normal.”

Caffeine headache. Do you know what that is? That’s the normalized term for withdrawal from caffeine. As in, the kind of withdrawals someone with a chemical addiction has.

Most things can be used safely in moderation. That’s the exact reason amphetamines, like Adderall, are safe to use in controlled doses, but methamphetamine is dangerous and becomes immediately addictive. For that reason, drinking caffeine and reaping the benefits of its stimulative properties can be fine if you’re doing so every few days to pick up some slack from a late night or to keep you alert during a roadtrip. However, when you get to a point of using caffeine every single day, or multiple times a day, you are reaching a point of abusing it.

Obviously, abusing caffeine is not the same as abusing something like alcohol or hard drugs. However, it does have negative impacts on the body and psyche. For one thing, your addiction to caffeine makes you dependent on it. Instead of being able to wake up and shake off a little bit of tiredness in the morning, you suddenly feel sluggish consistently until you ‘have your morning coffee.’ Your body has become so accustomed to having its stimulation delivered to it out of a mug that it has stopped doing the work to keep you awake on its own.

Your morning coffee turns into morning coffee, lunch break coffee, Starbucks on the way home, and an extra shot on days where you’re feeling a little extra tired. Again, this isn’t about shaming people for liking coffee. Coffee tastes great. Starbucks is delicious. 

The point I’m trying to make is, are you consciously aware of what you’re doing to your body and mind? If you are, it’s your decision to make. But, I know there are doubtlessly countless people - teens especially - who copy mom and dad, buy coffee for the taste and don’t think about the caffeine contents, or rely on energy drinks to get through finals. For those who haven’t really thought about the extent of the effects of caffeine, I want to provide an opportunity to realize that it might not be just a fun, cool thing. It might actually be doing you harm.

How does caffeine cause someone harm?

When I say that caffeine can end up causing you harm, I don’t mean it’s going to cause liver failure or something. I mean that the way we have normalized caffeine addiction is inherently unhealthy. The way it has become something a large percentage of people have, rather than those who might genuinely need the assistance of caffeine and find the minor addiction worth it, is not okay.

Caffeine addiction causes harm by slowly reducing a person’s ability to sleep, long-term. There are some studies that suggest people with caffeine addiction can develop an inability to get the sleep they need over time. This may be caused by waking up too soon due to the body’s craving of caffeine or it can be caused by difficulty falling asleep from the residual caffeine effects.

Caffeine addiction causes harm by creating a disruptive habit. Consider: do you feel good about the fact that you can’t function without caffeine? Do you get frustrated by the fact that you have to spend money on your lunch break to top up or risk crashing in the middle of work or class? The fact is, the average person doesn’t need to rely on caffeine every morning - they have only grown to rely on it due to a routine that became an addiction.

Caffeine addiction causes harm by amplifying certain medication side effects, which makes getting a proper medication dosage impossible without the side effects taking over. This is true of stimulants, like those used to treat ADHD, among other things. Rapid heart rate, anxiety, and psychosis can be developed or amplified when taking both stimulants and overdoing it with caffeine.

Caffeine addiction causes harm by amplifying existing conditions, such as anxiety, psychosis, insomnia, and so on. If you have any symptoms of mental illness, you are likely making them more pronounced by drinking caffeine.

Caffeine addiction causes harm by permeating social environments. Back to what I said above about people treating caffeine the way young people do alcohol. There is a massive amount of peer pressure surrounding caffeine. And no, I don’t mean coffee in general, I mean caffeine itself. 

People (in the US, specifically - idk about everywhere else) will mock people who don’t like coffee. 

Teens form brand loyalty to energy drink companies and pressure friends into drinking the same things as them. 

If you don’t drink coffee every morning, people act like you’re not really a working adult. There is something about coffee and caffeine that has become synonymous with maturity in our culture.

If you like coffee, but you opt for decaf or half-caf, people treat you like you’re pretentious, childish, or weak in some way, even if you do it for reasons other than an aversion to caffeine dependency. (like medical reasons)

If you go to a coffee shop with friends and order tea or something else uncaffeinated, you may become the butt of jokes. (“What’s the point of going to a coffee shop if you’re drinking hot chocolate?” /scoff/)

Teens are pressured by peers to drink coffee in the morning just like adults do. If your parents don’t let you drink coffee, or you just choose not to, your classmates think you’re lame for it, or some kind of goody goody.

The parallels to alcohol use are startling. Reread that list and imagine it’s talking about alcohol. Every bulletpoint in the list can be translated perfectly.

This social stigma around caffeine and the choice not to consume it is harmful to a person’s psyche and can lead to caffeine dependency that otherwise would not have developed.

And the ultimate question: Why do we feel the need to become caffeine dependent?

Is it all peer pressure and the joy of a hot cup of coffee? I don’t think so. If we take a look at the bigger picture, like most things, it can be blamed on living in a capitalistic society. Caffeine consumption is largely caused by the desperation to rid yourself of exhaustion - to give yourself an energy boost. 

Why do we need to do that so much that we form an addiction and become reliant on caffeine? It’s simple: we are overworked, pushed too hard in school, and are forced to take on a fast-paced, stressful schedule just to keep on top of bills. Coffee becomes one of the only reprieves from a life of fatigue and burnout. If we don’t have the energy to spend three hours on that paper, we fail out of college and lose out on thousands of dollars in student loans - lose out on the opportunity to get a job that will pay enough to live on. If we don’t show up to work with a smile and a spring in our step, we get fired for not representing the company positively enough. 

We aren’t allowed to be tired. We aren’t allowed to rest. It drives us to self-medicate with caffeine so that while we’re working ourselves into an early grave, we can at least ignore the exhaustion that comes alongside it.

The takeaway: Are you actually happy with how you consume caffeine?

Take a moment to ask yourself, do you drink caffeine because you need to to sustain your lifestyle (working night shifts, traveling long hours very frequently, etc.), or do you drink it because you started and you don’t know how to stop? If the answer is that you like the taste of the drinks or you’re not really sure, it’s time to consider healthier-for-you alternatives. You can:

Drink decaf coffee, decaf teas, decaf sodas, and replace energy drinks with something else carbonated that isn’t based around caffeine consumption

Give yourself a withdrawal break for a couple months to allow your body to get back to normal and then limit caffeine consumption to once every few days or less

Find other drink alternatives that don’t generally have caffeine to begin with

If you’re drinking caffeine to survive the type of life you’re forced to live under late stage capitalism, it might be time to start pushing back so that you can remain energized and happy without having to resort to self-medicating. We shouldn’t have to do that. We should be able to live happy lives without caffeine.

[mygenderstudiesblog-blog]

An Intimate Look into a Heartbreaking Reality: The Garden Left Behind

By: Alyssa Macpherson

Introduction:

I recently had the opportunity to attend the Reelout queer film + video festival in Kingston, Ontario to watch one of their feature films. The film I chose to watch was The Garden Left Behind directed by Flavio Alves. 

About This Film:

The Garden Left Behind is centred around a young trans woman named Tina Carrera who lives with her grandmother in New York City. The film sheds light upon the daily challenges Tina faces including her identity, her love life, the hatred she receives, and the struggles of being an undocumented immigrant. Throughout the film, Tina struggles to find herself and to fit in as a trans woman who has not yet fully transitioned. Tina finds comfort and purpose with members of a “Trans Lives Matter” social movement and begins to feel accepted and worthy, despite confusion and negativity towards the cause from both her grandmother and the man she loves. This film takes us through Tina’s life and her physical and monetary struggle to transition and to be happy with both her life and herself. Due to many setbacks, Tina starts to feel defeated, which does not go unnoticed by a young man who has been closely observing Tina from afar. 

My Opinion:

In my opinion, The Garden Left Behind was an extremely powerful and memorable film. Many important topics were discussed in great detail and as the audience, we were all left with many strong feelings after watching it. This film was certainly heavy and had mature content within it which I felt was ultimately why the film was so powerful. There was a disclaimer and a trigger warning given before the film began along with a brief introduction by the Reelout employees. This prepared the audience for what they were about to watch and ensured no one would be shocked or surprised by the nature of the film. This was very important as the subjects and events of the film dealt with many touchy subjects that could easily make viewers feel uncomfortable and upset.`

One aspect of the film that really stood out to me and that I felt was very impactful was the way in which numerous social issues and ideas were tackled at once. This movie is primarily based around the struggles trans individuals face each day however that was definitely not the only topic that was addressed. The subjects of immigration and race along with poverty and unemployment played vital roles in this film. The intersectionality that The Garden Left Behind expressed was extremely useful and vital to really understand the struggles that the characters were facing. It showed the “multiple levels of discrimination” (Kaufman 2018) that these women were facing not only from being trans, but due to their race, gender, and class as well. The intersectionality in this film made it a lot more applicable to the real world and greatly enhanced its relevance. The intersectional variety in this film was very powerful and made the overall message and meaning immensely impactful to all viewers. 

One of the major subjects in The Garden Left Behind were protests and social movements. Especially in popular areas such as New York City, social movements are very common and effective at voicing opinions on serious topics. The march and social movement in this film was the “Trans Lives Matter” movement. This movement focuses on the unfair and unjust treatment the trans community faces from police in their daily life. They encouraged the fact that “gender is socially constructed”, (Raskoff 2017) and that they should not need to be cisgender to be treated fairly by police. These social movements are a powerful way to stand up for what you believe in and by including them in this film, it demonstrates the reality of the work that many activists put in to try to make a difference. The other people involved with the social movement in the film also helped Tina feel like she fit in and she found people that understood how she constantly felt. “The Trans Lives Matter” group provided Tina with the stability and assurance she desperately needed to feel worthy and important. The importance of friends in this context and an inclusive environment is something I feel is extremely important for all people. Friends make you feel worthy and valid and you can be yourself around them without the fear of being judged. This film did an excellent job of portraying the importance of having friends to lean on for support and reassurance and proved that no matter what, there’s always people there that care about you. Knowing that you are never alone is a very important message to get across to the audience especially youth as they find themselves and as mental illness and self-doubt are extremely prevalent to that age group. 

Another aspect of the film I found extremely interesting was the fear and embarrassment that was demonstrated towards Tina and other trans people. Tina’s boyfriend Jason, who she was with for the beginning of the movie, refused to go out in public with her and acted ashamed and embarrassed to be associated with her at all. He seemed to enjoy the sexual aspects of their relationship but nothing more. He slowly distanced himself from Tina due to his binary thinking and the idea that he did not fit into the typical “man” role. There was also a young boy named Chris, who watched Tina from a far and slowly seemed to fall in love with her. After being exposed to his transphobic and cisgender friends, when he finally came face to face with Tina, he acted out of rage and hatred towards her, instead of showing her his real feelings. He seemed to genuinely hate himself for falling in love with her and due to his friends opinions, he felt trapped and embarrassed. This truly shows the stigma associated with trans people in society as Chris felt so trapped and confused due to feeling it was wrong for loving someone who was not cisgender. 

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I felt The Garden Left Behind was a powerful and touching film that tackled numerous important social issues present in today’s society. I felt the film did an excellent job depicting the thoughts and feelings of both members of the trans community and others looking in. After watching this film, everyone is guaranteed to feel many powerful emotions that will leave them with a new understanding of the challenges and struggles many face in their everyday lives. 

Word count: 1085

Works Cited:

Kaufman, Peter. “Intersectionality for Beginners.” Everyday Sociology, https://www.everydaysociologyblog.com/2018/04/intersectionality-for-beginners.html#more

Raskoff, Sally. “Signs of Gender.” Everyday Sociology, https://www.everydaysociologyblog.com/2017/03/signs-of-gender.html#more

[sunnyyhoneyyy]

🥴Stress

How can we deal with stress?

I did an end of the year project on this last year in my psychology class, so this will be a more summarized version of my presentation.

First, let’s start with what stress is in the first place and how our bodies react to it.

Stress is defined as the process by which we perceive and respond to certain events, called stressors, that we appraise as threatening or challenging.

There are 3 types of stressors:

Daily Stressors

Significant Life Changes

Catastrophes

Depending on how we view stress, it makes a difference on how it affects our bodies.

If we view stress as a threat, then we will panic or freeze up as a reaction. But, if we view stress as a challenge, we can actually become more focused.

When we become stressed, our response, called the general adaptation syndrome (GAS) by Physiologist Hans Selye, is made up of three stages:

Alarm Reaction

Resistance

Exhaustion

Alarm reaction is when our fight-or-flight reaction occurs. Stress hormones are released, our heart rate increases, our sensation of pain is dulled, and blood is sent to our larger muscles, preparing us for fight-or-flight. In our brains, the amygdala, which controls our decision-making and emotional responses, is the part that processes this stress and responds with fight-or-flight.

Resistance is when our bodies react from the alarm reaction. Respiration, body temperature, and blood pressure all become high.

Exhaustion is when the reaction is done and our bodies become tired. Exposure to the flight-or-flight reaction for long periods of time can cause it.

To sum this up, our bodies can handle temporary stress, but not prolonged stress (which can cause physical deterioration). Temporary stress is healthy, but prolonged stress is not. Temporary stress can kick your immune system into gear and help fight off infection and heal faster.

If you want to see more about how stress can effect your brain, watch this video below.

Now, onto how we can work to relieve stress!

There are three main ways that I summed it up with:

Exercise

Family and Friends

Faith

Exercise-

How does exercise make us feel better?

It increases the amount of mood-boosting chemicals that your nervous system produces.

It enhances cognitive abilities (such as memory).

It lowers blood pressure.

It has positive side effects such as better sleep (which provides an emotional benefit).

If exercise is done regularly, it cuts the risk for heart attacks in half, increases longevity by 2 years, and later in life, it reduces the likelihood of Alzheimer’s. Not exercising speeds up the aging process.

See more about how exercise effects your mental health in this article below or this video below.

https://adaa.org/understanding-anixety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/stress/physical-activity-reduces-st

Family and Friends-

Family can be both a source of stress and a source of happiness as they juggle daily activities. The close relationships found in families and friendships are most often the sources of happiness.

Families and friends offer social support, which makes us feel loved and wanted. This support provides cognitive awards of happiness and contentment, which improves our health and wellness overall as well as reducing stress.

Confiding in others:

Lowers blood pressure

Slows the heart rate

Decreases stress hormones level

Stress is unavoidable, but the help and encouragement of family and friends provides a buffer against its effects.

For more in an article about the importance of human contact on our mental health, click this link below:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/born-love/21007/friends-and-family-are-the-best-medicine

The Faith Factor-

A poll said that 80% of Americans believe that religion and spirituality relate to health. Several researchers have looked into it scientifically and found a correlation between being religiously active and having longevity.

It cannot be said that being religiously active guarantees a longer life, but there are at least three factors associated with the religiously active that seem to contribute to better health.

Their beliefs often promote healthier lifestyles; they smoke and drink less and get more sleep.

Attending religious services is a communal event; faith communities provide social support.

They usually experience less anxiety and stress because of the promoting of optimism, gratitude, and hope for the future; they have stronger immune systems and have fewer hospital stays than religiously active people.

For more on the effects of faith on mental health, here is a video below.

Recap

Stress is the process by which we perceive and respond to certain events, called stressors, that we appraise as threatening or challenging.

3 Ways to Cope With Stress Are:

1. Exercise

2. Family and Friends

3. Faith

- Exercise helps focus attention on one task and remove all of the stressful thoughts.

- Family and friends provide social support and therefore help release stress when we tell them our worries.

- Faith helps bring promotion of healthier lifestyles, a close faith community, and promotion of optimism and hope for the future; these things combined relieve our stresses.

Source—Thinking About Psychology, 3rd Edition by Charles T. Blair-Broeker

Hope you enjoyed! Have a great day.

[lilacskyent-blog]

Breakfast with The Wicked Lady

Every day we see social media influencers, as well as anyone with a social media account, talk about how fake everything is. They rant about how everything is curated, modified with photoshop or facetune, and how no one is showing who they really are. This stance has always frustrated me because the way we present ourselves on social media is often times the same way we present ourselves in the real world when we want to make a good impression. This idea of trying to be our best selves, or even something as ill-conceived as “fake it ‘till you make it” was not born on social media, it’s something nearly everyone on the world does, while simultaneously craving something real. Michelle, a.k.a thewickedlady is one of the most real influencers I’ve ever encountered. Sitting with her via video chat, I feel immediately at ease because she’s normal. There’s no performance, no hyped up mess, just a really cool girl.

 Where did Wicked Lady come from?

Growing up watching Anime and Sailor Moon, I felt like I related very closely to the character Chibiusa, who is Usagi’s daughter who comes to visit Usagi from the Future. There’s a part in Sailor Moon R, where Chibiusa is convinced she is unloved by her friends and family, and she’s told that she is alone. This puts her in a really dark place and Wise Man turns her into the Wicked Lady. Growing up, I had a hard time finding myself and feeling very alone. I felt really unloved and I was in a dark place. But light was shed on me eventually and I realized that all these negative thoughts were not necessary and I should live my life to the fullest and be happy, and that’s also what helped Chibiusa return to her small lady self.

What got you into modeling?

It really wasn’t my initial plan to get into modeling, but I started when I was 18 and got serious when I was 20. I just started taking pictures when I had my pink hair, and my favorite hair dying brands started working with me. I started taking more pictures with my friends who were photographers and I grew from there. I did not do this on my own, I had a lot of help from my friends who helped me grow as an influencer and as a model and a person. I wouldn’t be anywhere without them.

Despite her modesty, Michelle is an amazing model. From the outfits she puts together to the poses the photographers capture there is pure magic in every image, even the silly ones that may or may not have been accidents. In my own personal modeling career, I pull inspiration from her work, because it’s not only beautiful but also carry an oddly perfect balance of elegance along with badass. Though from what I’ve gathered I’d say greatness with modesty is a fairly accurate way to describe Michelle. She’s absolutely incredible but doesn’t use her energy demanding you to tell her, or even acknowledge it. She’s just herself, just a girl with dreams, goals, and gifts like every other human being.

So along with everything else you have going on, you’re also a college student, what are you studying?

Currently studying Psychology, on route to receiving my bachelors, and eventually my PH.D. PSY.D in Industrial-Organizational Psychology.  Psychology has always been my favorite subject, especially growing up in an unstable home environment, I felt it would be best to learn more about mental health to help myself and my loved ones. People tend to forget that mental health is extremely important in living a healthy, and happy life. But because we can’t physically “cure” mental illness as we do with the common flu, I feel like it’s left unattended, or not taken seriously. We’ve all heard the term, “It’s a phase”, and in some cases, it really isn’t and leaves us more bruised and broken.

Mental health is one of the number one things we’re dealing with in today’s world. From loud, known cases like Kanye West, to the closed-off kids in the back of hundreds of classrooms who are feeling overwhelmed with anxiety, depression, or anything else. However despite overwhelming evidence of this challenge people still act like it doesn’t exist. People poke fun, or minimize the importance of mental health, but scream about mental health every time someone is taken from the world. It needs to be taken seriously, and taken care of.

What is the goal for you?

My main goal is to figure out myself, and create a path for myself in a way that is healthy and happy for my family and I. I don’t want to live a life dependent on money but I do want to live comfortably. In general, I would love to be able to make a difference and help people when they are feeling alone or in the dark. I know at times people feel really hopeless and let down and I want to set a reminder that people feel the same way and we should all be there for each other as a support system. (Enough serious time I also want to be the greatest pokemon master ever YAAAGGAA)

 The minute she makes this joke I break and can’t stop laughing. The fact that she can go from completely serious to completely ridiculous is so comforting. I find myself laughing not only at the joke, but at how nervous I felt when I was preparing for this interview. I’m laughing at myself for being nervous, for worrying that the real person would be different from the person on instagram, or from the Twitch streamer who will randomly stop playing a game and instead let her audience watch her bake cookies at 2am. We’ve become so used to the endless performance of content creators, that seeing someone who, it seems, is completely herself, is honestly disarming at first.

3 Breakfast must haves?

PANCAKES WITH CHOCOLATE CHIPS. (All time favorite food), Roasted Potatoes or anything with potatoes, and blueberry muffins!

Describe your perfect day

Honestly, waking up on a rainy day with my significant other and Goku(my cat) . A full 8 hours of sleep.  Not having to worry about drama or struggles. Staying in binge-watching the LOTR/ Hobbit Trilogy, drinking Hot Cocoa, eating everything and anything that I can that has potatoes and corn. (I’m a mess but I'm a SLOOT for Elote). and not having to worry about work/homework assignments in college. I’m a simple lass.

Rave or mosh pit?

Considering I used to go to a lot of concerts and got used to being swiftly kicked in the head in mosh pits, now I would prefer raves mainly because it’s a more loving and sweet environment and it’s a lot more affectionate.

Top 10 songs on your playlist right now?

Sunflower- Post Malone

IDWK - Dvbbs

Girls - The 1975

Kamikaze - MO

Take me As You Please - Story So Far

In Bloom - Neck Deep

From the Outside - Real Friends

Disrespectin’ - 88Rising

Bright Pink Tims - BlackBear

Ocean - Martin Garrix / Khalid

This playlist is available through Google Play on our blog!

 What advice would you give up and coming models to help avoid scam businesses/shady photographers? - Be cautious for red flags, pay attention to their “creative” ideas such as import/lude/ implied. If they don’t allow you to bring a friend during shoots. Check in with others who may have shot with them to get their input with their experience. Also - always meet in a public area and do not shoot with them in a private area. Try to shoot outdoors first, to see how they vibe during the shoot, and FOLLOW YOUR GUT FEELING. If something is off about them, cut the shoot short.

What got you into Twitch streaming and what do you enjoy most about it?

I used to work for a shady ass stream house with 10 other girls, and those girls turned to be the sweetest and most loving girls I’ve met. Although the work itself was garbage, it was the people who worked with me who motivated and inspired me to continue twitch streaming. I met such amazing and wonderful people within that house. <3 I love being able to get personal and talk to my viewers one on one, and I love making them laugh. If you’ve watched my twitch streams, I do dance parties in onesies because I know as much as it makes me look like a fool, it makes my viewers laugh and happy, and that’s all I want for them <3

If you could live in any Studio Ghibli movie which one would you pick?

Kiki’s Delivery Service or Mary and the Witch’s Flower <3

You're very open about mental health and your struggles with it. Was that always something you were open to sharing or was there a moment where you decided to do that?

I used to shut everyone out. I bottled up all of my emotions because I grew up being afraid of them. I was told to keep my head held high and never let my guard down. Showing sadness meant a sign of weakness to me growing up, but it just felt so inhuman to me knowing people feel the same way too and I couldn’t express it. I had a really bad experience back in middle school that completely destroyed me and my mindset. It was all because of social media. It tore me down and turned me into this monster who couldn’t learn to love herself. It stressed me out and brought so much anxiety. I figured, if ever I came back to social media, it would be to help others who felt the way I did. I don��t want anyone to feel like they were alone in life. I get it, suicide hotlines and phone numbers and therapists are provided for those who feel like they want to talk to someone. But in all honesty, it’s hard to find it within myself/yourself to talk to a complete stranger about your problems. It’s better to even talk to someone who you feel like you can trust. As a young adult, I feel like it would be better if I had open arms to those who need it.

 So I have to include at least one question about FBE and I have just one, important question: when they finish filming Try Not to Eat do they give you free rein? NOPE, WE CAN’T EAT JACK SHIT AND IT MAKES ME UPSET BECAUSE IT’S THE ULTIMATE TEASE. ( I love me some honey glazed HAM)

 If you haven’t watched the Try Not To Eat Challenge videos from FBE I highly recommend them. They’re hilarious, and Michelle is in most of them.

 Do you know how dope you are?

God No. I honestly think I’m way too dorky sometimes. I like having this persona on Instagram but being able to be myself and be goofy and fun as well. I don’t like to be serious, I really don’t. But I do have a feisty side when I see something I’m not okay with. I’m not really afraid to snap back if something doesn’t feel right.

Whether she becomes a therapist, psychologist, model, or anything else Michelle is destined for even greater and more amazing heights than she’s already reached. The world could benefit from someone not only as amazing as she is, but as honest and she is. I’m excited to see what’s next for her!

-Strawberry Smirk

[readysetwellness-blog]

Mental Health: What everyone is talking about… and no one is talking about

Mental health is a hot topic lately, and it seems as though more and more people are beginning to understand what mental health and self-care is, although many are still undereducated about these topics. Mental health is a touchy subject that can be taken advantage of very easily, with people claiming to have anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues and using them as excuses or, as we see a lot with millenials and the younger generation, attention. It has become increasingly popular among young people to self diagnose themselves with mental health conditions and display these on social media (particularly twitter) in an effort to increase sympathy likes and retweets. Phrases like “oh I’m so OCD about my bed being made” or “Watching that boy do tricks on his bike gives me anxiety” are so normalized, and we forget that these are actual conditions that can be extremely debilitating.

I know what you’re thinking: “So how am I supposed to know the difference between someone who really has a mental health condition and someone who is self diagnosed or just claims to have it?”

Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer to this. No one does. Mental health is such a touchy subject, and with anxiety, depression, and attention deficit disorders on the rise, it is likely that many people claiming to have these disorders have a clinical diagnosis to back it up. On another note, who is going to call someone out for “faking” a mental health disease? Not me. And probably not you. But what we can do is show compassion, and understand that everyone that we cross paths with is fighting a battle that we know nothing about.

Although not every person experiences symptoms of chronic mental illness, everyone goes through times of great happiness, sorrow, grief, stress, and pain. It is for these reasons that it is important to understand the importance of self-care.

What is self-care you might ask? Well, its important to know what self-care is as well as what it isn’t. Self-care, in a few words, is an action one takes to benefit their own mental, physical, or emotional health. This will vary among individuals, but there are many different forms of self-care. For some, it could be refusing the chocolate cake at the office birthday party because they’re trying to stick to their new meal plan. For others, it might be indulging in the chocolate cake because it is their birthday (or they have created some other reason in their minds that justifies cake). Whatever it is, the most important thing to remember regarding your personal self-care is that you have to make sure whatever self-care action you decide to take is best for YOU. What works for some people might not work for others, and what works for you may not work for your friends.  

So while this idea of self-care is a nice one, it is not something that is completed by eating a cookie and taking a bubble bath. The idea of self-care penetrates much deeper than cheering yourself up after a bad day, or buying some new face wash. Self-care is about the way you live your life, and the effect that it has on your health. Everything that you experience in a day whether it is mental, emotional or physical has an effect on your health, which can be positive, negative, or neutral. Failing to take care of ourselves and recognize the stressors in our life is what leads to lasting, chronic conditions like depression, anxiety, OCD, and other mental health issues. Self-care is about tapping into your own mind and body, making sense of the way you are feeling, and taking action to right any wrongs that may be present.

We move so quickly through life that sometimes we forget to stop and evaluate how we are feeling, why we feel the way that we do, and what we can do to change it.

So all of that being said, where should you start on your self-care journey? Here are 5 tips to start integrating mindfulness and self-care into your daily life.

1. Start keeping inventory on your feelings

Take stock of how you feel. You don’t have to go so deep as to why you are feeling the way you are, but just recognize what emotion you are experiencing. This will assist you in making decisions. For example, if you are under a lot of stress in your personal life and you recognize that, it might help you realize you should hold off one more day on a major work decision. Or on the other hand, if you just got the best news of your life and are extremely excited, you might want to say yes, yes and yes to all of the plans your friends have made for this upcoming weekend to celebrate, but you should maybe only go out one night because you have a lot to get done before Monday. This goes along with the saying “never act out of anger”, and “sleep on it”. Recognizing and categorizing (stress, anger, sadness) the emotions you are feeling is the first step to taking action against any negative effects these feelings may have.

2. Isolate yourself for 10 minutes a day

This is the time to reflect on your day and understand why these emotions came over you. You may think that you were stressed all day at work because your boss sent out a memo in the morning that bothered you, when really it was coming from an argument with your significant other that occurred the day before. This is the time to identify the emotional triggers in your life— defined as “a response to a person, situation, event, dialogue, reading, film, or other content providing entity, that provokes a strong emotional reaction. This will help you avoid (or at least regulate your exposure to) the things that are causing emotions like stress, sadness, and grief. For example, if you have a family member in the armed forces, maybe you should not indulge in the overwhelming amount of military homecoming videos available on YouTube. On the contrary, for someone who recently had a family member or someone close to them return from the military, these videos may be one of their favorite things to watch. This time is about identifying YOUR emotional triggers and developing ways to manage them.

3. Figure out what makes YOU feel good.

This one is all about discovering the little things that you enjoy. Maybe its buying a new book and setting apart a little bit of time each day to read. Maybe its spending time with your “outside-of-work friends”, or maybe even scheduling a date night with your S/O (or your best friend if you’re still on the market). The point is, look for the little things in your life that make you happy, and do those things for yourself more. They don’t have to cost money, and they certainly do not have to involve others. Remember: this is all about YOU and the things that make YOU feel good.

4. Watch what you say

We need to change the way we talk about mental health. Try to remove the words OCD, depression/depressed, and anxiety from your vocabulary, and instead use some other words to describe how you feel. So instead of saying “Ugh im so depressed”, “That gives me anxiety” or “I’m super OCD about that”, try expanding your vocabulary with words like this:

Instead of saying depressed, say:

-    Sad

-    Unhappy

-    Despondent

-    Down

-    Low

-    Bummed out

Instead of saying anxiety, say:

-    apprehension

-    angst

-    jitters

-    nervousness

-    concern

-    heebie-jeebies (my personal favorite)

Instead of saying OCD, say:

-    Particular

-    Precise

-    Detail oriented

-    Anal retentive

-    Fusspot

-    Nit-picker

5. Talk to a medical professional

Finally, if you are experiencing severe symptoms or symptoms that you feel are beyond your control, please do not hesitate to reach out to a healthcare professional near you to seek support. Sometimes mental health issues are out of our hands, and self-care is not enough. Great strength is found in reaching out to someone for help, and the most beneficial person is going to be a mental health counselor, psychiatrist, or psychologist. If you’re not comfortable reaching out to a professional, try talking to a friend or two about how you have been feeling, as talking about it and having two heads trying to make sense of your feelings can be helpful.

Mental health is very touchy, tricky, and for the most part, taboo. I hope that this post has provided you with—if nothing else— a little bit of insight on the growing challenge that many people are facing today. Even if you are not experiencing any great stressors in your life, try out these tips, as there is always room for improvement!

Thank you so much for reading, and as always, happy living J

P.S. Check out this link below for a short youtube video about OCD!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsOzNavYF6wse

#MKT400UWL

[reginaldbunyan]

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[topclassteacher-blog]

What it’s like to live and teach English in South Korea

I have been teaching for nearly 10 years and during that time, I have had the privilege of teaching in a number of different countries. Therefore, I’d like to write a few posts for other  travellers who may be thinking of following in my footsteps.

So, first of all, let’s go back to where it all began; Busan, South Korea. The year is 2008 and I had just finished my degree. Like a lot of graduates, I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life but I had spent the previous few years working with kids and I had loved it. Therefore, when my mum told me that the daughter of one of her friends was teaching in South Korea, I thought why not?

Before Going

One of the worst parts of my whole experience was before I went. First of all, a mate of mine was supposed to come with me but he dropped out - after we had had our leaving party! Then, the agent who I had been working with went on holiday and my visa application sat on her desk untouched. This meant that I was late arriving and I missed the training provided by the EPIK (English Program in Korea). That being said, I have since been told that the training was not fantastic and that a lot of my peers went to their respective schools feeling far from confident.

If you are planning to go to Korea, you must be in possession of the following things:

- A Bachelor’s Degree

- A passport from a native speaking English country (UK, USA, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Ireland)

The following things are also important to consider

- No visible tattoos

- No history of mental illness

- No drug use (you are drug tested when you arrive)

However, remember that most employers in South Korea will pay for:

- Your rent

- Your flight (this will be reimbursed on arrival)

Arriving

Upon arriving in Busan, South Korea, I was taken to my school directly from the plane. Imagine my horror when I realised this - I was wearing a Hooters baseball top as it was the most comfortable and loose fitting thing I owned. I met the principal and had to give a little speech in front of all the other teachers - again something I wasn’t prepared for.

Just a day later, I was in front of my first ever class. I had been given a few textbooks (even then I could see what poor quality they were) and the powerpoints created by the previous incumbent of my position. I cobbled together an introduction lesson and stood up in front of the class. Now here is a huge difference to consider - will you be in a public school (organised by EPIK) or a hagwon (a private academy)? For an explanation of the difference, see the section below. I was with EPIK which meant I was assisted by a Korean co-teacher who translated everything I said into Korean. At the time, I thought this was great but I now realise that this is really bad practice. I was really glad she was there that day though as, 25 minutes into a 40 minute lesson, I ran out of things to say. Fortunately, she stepped in and ‘rescued’ me and by the time the next class rolled around, I had prepared a little more; enough to fill the time at least.

On the whole, I did the best I could in class but with no formal training, I acknowledge my lessons were pretty awful. That’s why I would definitely recommend getting a CELTA before teaching anywhere. Not only does it prepare you for what it’s like to stand in front of a class but you also get a slight salary bump as well.

EPIK or Hagwon?

EPIK

Advantages

A Korean co-teacher handles discipline and is on hand to translate any difficult words.

You don’t teach the same class all the time so you can ‘rinse and repeat’ lessons which means less planning.

Your classes are often cancelled as they are not high priority. This means you often get paid for doing nothing. For me, this was actually a disadvantage because I went stir-crazy with nothing to do for long periods.

You work a traditional work week - 8.30-4.30, Monday-Friday.

You are much less likely to get bad accommodation, although this does happen.

Disadvantages

Days are very repetitive

You may be the only native speaker teacher there which can make meeting new people difficult

You sometimes feel like a circus attraction - the kids used to come to my class just to stare at me or pull hairs out of my arms.

Hagwon

Advantages

Higher salary

You teach the same children so you have a chance to learn names and build a relationship with them

There are other native speakers around for you to interact with.

You are given full lesson plans to work with

Disadvantages

There are a lot of shady operators who do not treat their teachers very well, e.g. a friend of mine was made to live in her boss’ basement.

You work until late. The normal work day is 2-10pm.

Your classes are NEVER cancelled. If you are contracted to work those hours, there will always be students there.

You have to handle discipline yourself.

Life in Korea

Socialising in Korea

Socialising in Korea was incredible. I quickly got myself into a football team of native speaker teachers and travelled all over Korea with them and I had a large group of friends. While the majority of my free time was spent out drinking and partying, I also had some of the most incredible experiences there including:

- Making Kimchi (see food) with monks

- Diving with sharks at the Busan Aquarium

- Jumping off the Daegu Tower (unfortunately this is now closed)

- Playing in a volleyball tournament on Haeundae Beach in Busan

- Being invited to a co-teacher’s house for traditional Korean food

- Visiting incredible temples - Yonggungsa in Busan is stunning!

2. Korean Food

I miss the food - my God how I miss the food! When I arrived, I wasn’t convinced by the food but after being shown around by my new friends, I realised that Korean food is fantastic. Here are some of the things you need to try

- Kimchi. The Korean staple, Kimchi is fermented cabbage served in a chilli sauce. While it may not sound nice, it’s different in every restaurant that you visit and when you find 2-3 restaurants where they make good kimchi, you will not be able to stop eating it. Popular variations are Kimchi-jigae (Kimchi soup) and Kimchi-Pahjon (Kimchi pancake) which are also delicious.

- Samgyupsal and Bulgogi. Order raw meat and cook it on your own personal grill with onions, garlic, Korean chilli paste and Kimchi. Then enjoy family style!

- Hae-Jang-Guk. Translated this means ‘hangover soup’ and boy does it do the job. The contents are pork spine with a fiery broth. The meat just melts in your mouth and you can add rice for extra yumminess.

- Tang-Soo-Yuk. Korea’s answer to sweet and sour, this is much more tasty in my opinion. Sticky and really unhealthy, it’s another thing you won’t want to stop eating.

- Ojingo. Squid that is served while it is still moving. This is an acquired taste but something you have to try. The sensation of the suckers sticking to the inside of your mouth is bizarre but unique.

3. Korean people/customs

On the whole, you will find Koreans a pleasant enough bunch and some of the younger generations have grown up having native speaking English teachers so it is normal for them. Make an effort to have some Korean friends even though it’s tempting to just hang around with other English speakers. Some of my best experiences came with my Korean friends Gyu-Ho, and (Super) Hans. However, there are a few things you should be aware of. Do not get into any kind of conflict with a Korean as your status as a foreigner means you are always in the wrong (even in the eyes of the police in some cases). Koreans are fiercely protective of their language and are not especially helpful when you make mistakes. Do what I didn’t and take classes to make sure your pronunciation is spot on.

Korean people (especially women) love to form relationships with native speakers and while they are very affectionate and undeniably attractive in a lot of cases, this can cause problems with old-fashioned families. One friend of mine was told that he would marry his Korean girlfriend ‘over her father’s dead body’.

This section seems unduly negative and I don’t want it to be. Most of the people I met were great people and were so happy that I was there to share in their culture. The negative sides of this part are more a case of ‘forewarned is forearmed’.

In terms of customs, you will often find that you will need to remove your shoes before entering a house or, in my case, even a school. However, they will often provide slippers/sandals for you to wear.

While eating there are a few customs to be aware of. A lot of meals in restaurants are served on low tables which require you to sit cross-legged. I am the least flexible person ever so this was not an enjoyable experience for me. Also, the person sitting opposite you is your ‘partner’ and you are ‘responsible’ for them, Make sure they always have a drink in front of them and serve it to them with one hand while holding the other on your bicep, e.g. serve with your right hand, your left hand should be on your right bicep. Finally, please please please learn to use chopsticks before you go. When I arrived, I didn’t know how to use them and it caused me no end of embarrassment. When I finally learned, my Korean co-teachers and waiters/waitresses in restaurants were so happy. It’s a small thing but it makes a huge difference.

The last major custom that you should be aware of is the different approach to nudity. Koreans will often visit jjimjilbangs (spas) with friends and coworkers. Once inside, the men and the women are separated and go into large spa rooms/hot baths completely naked. This is normal but Korean people are a little prone to staring especially if, like me, you are quite hirsute.

4. Shopping in Korea

While you are in Korea, you will still be able to get a lot of your home comforts. In Busan, they have a Costco where you can buy a lot of Western food although you have to buy it in bulk.

In terms of clothes, you need to be aware that sizes differ drastically. Here in the UK, when buying a pair of shorts, I wear a medium but in Korea my shorts were an XL! Also, for women, if you are busty, it can be very difficult to find clothes that will fit. A friend of mine once went into a shop and the shop assistant pointed at her chest and said “No size, no size”.

As you might imagine, electronics are cheap so there’s no need to take too many gadgets with you. I bought a really nice camera out there much cheaper than I could have bought it in the UK.  

5. Transport/Getting Around in Korea

The best way of travelling from city to city in Korea is the KTX (the bullet train). This super-fast train is affordable and comfortable and is a pleasure to travel on. If you’re on a budget there is also the mugunghwa which is an older, slower train that is used to get to smaller towns and villages.

In terms of travelling in the city, most of the big cities have a subway system which makes it easy to get around. I used this opportunity to learn the Korean letters as all the stations are in Korean and in English. There are also buses that you can use if there isn’t a subway station near where you are heading. Finally, taxis are much cheaper than in the UK (I’d say cheaper even than Uber) but make sure that you know how to pronounce where you’re going - I got into a rather heated argument with a taxi driver about my pronunciation of White Hotel as the Korean pronunciation was White-uh Hoe-ter. As you might imagine, I was quite upset about having my pronunciation of English words corrected.

Last word

Overall, Korea is a wonderful place and a part of me still misses living there. The quality of life is great and as an English teacher you will be financially comfortable.

I hope this guide to living in Korea has been helpful and if there is anything I haven’t covered or if you have any questions, feel free to contact me.