#my mental health has been so bad lately and this is just the icing on the cake.

[phagodyke]

venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍

haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(

[kuroakikitsune]

.

[chaoticbardlady99]

I Wondered If I Could Come Home? (Astarion x F! pregnant reader) Part 4

Synopsis: The Hag learns not to underestimate an angry mother and Eowyn decides to make an early appearance.

CW: Mentions of gore, mentions of torture, labor, breast feeding

Author note: thank you for your patience! I’ve had a lot of big life changes lately and have been struggling with my mental health. I have a couple other fics I’m working on that I’m super excited about!

This will also have more parts in the future! I have lots more ideas!

Pic is mine!

You know you need to stay in bed, but you will be damned if you are going to let Astarion face that terrible Hag alone. You knew he’d never agree to let you go with him considering your current condition, but you had always fought side by side together and not being there to protect him feels wrong to you.

They have been gone far longer than they should have been and there is a sick pit in your gut that tells you something is wrong. You don’t know what, when, why, or how, but you have a feeling Astarion’s life is in danger.

Jaheira had caught you sneaking out right away and even though Shadowheart was skeptical about the safety of the situation, she also agreed that something felt off and that they probably should have been back a few hours ago.

So you squeezed yourself into something that you can move in- settling on an oversized Wizard’s robe you had accidentally bought right before you found out you were pregnant. It’s like the retailers knew before you did.

Shadowheart and Jaheira are right behind you as you follow Scratch to Astarion’s location. The hag must not be very social considering the trail has led to a remote part of the beach. You feel even more uneasy the further you go and then you hear it.

Minsc is screaming at someone to stop and then there is a scream of pain from Astarion. Your entire body feels on fire and your rage is bigger than your own body. You can feel Eowyn’s fury too- no one is allowed to hurt her dad.

You storm in and you blast an ice shard straight through Hag's chest and send her away from Astarion. Based on the cuts along his chest- she was slowly, painfully torturing him with some type of weapon. Minsc, Halsin, and Gale are in equally bad shape and are hanging up shackled to the wall.

Astarion is blinded by some kind of spell because when you race over to him- he flinches away from you. His skin is torn up in nonsensical designs and your chest hurts looking at him. Tears are pooling in your eyes, but you have to contain yourself- he needs you to be strong right now.

“It’s just me, Star,” you say softly, “I’m getting you out of here.”

The fear and horror in his eyes intensifies, “you need to leave now!”

“Oh I’m afraid that ship has sailed little spawn,” the Hag cackles, “I didn’t even have to do any of the work- you came straight to me!”

You put yourself between the Hag and Astarion. You stare daggers into the Hag and she looks taken aback. She was a fool to believe you are just a blubbering pregnant woman who enjoys an apple cupcake.

“The only thing I will be giving you is a very painful death,” you snarl.

Shadowheart and Jaheira attack her first and you silence the Hag- preventing her from using any spells. In between Shadowheart and Jaheira’s melee attacks, you throw cantrip and spell hand over hand at the monster.

When the Hag finally goes down, you feel absolutely victorious! You untie Astarion and Shadowheart casts restoration and healing before moving onto the others. Astarion immediately pulls you into him and places lots of kisses on your face while chastising you for taking such a massive risk, but you can also see the shining pride in his eyes.

Then your water decides to break.

“Oh are you fucking serious!?” You shout in alarm.

“What’s-“ Astarion looks at you in confusion and then stops when he sees the puddles on the ground.

“Shit!” Shadowheart is racing over to check on you and puts her hand on the lower part of your stomach, “she’s ready to come at any minute- we need to get you h-“

She doesn’t even finish her sentence before Astarion picks you up and begins rushing back to the house. Everyone is hot on your trail, but you are too afraid to even be worried about that right now.

“My love, it’s going to be okay,” Astarion whispers, “you’ll be okay. Eowyn will be okay.”

“But she’s early,” you sob, “and Isobel and Dame Aylin aren’t here and what if I di-“

“No- don’t even begin to think that,” Astarion scolds you, his pace picking up, “you are going to live through this and we are going to be a family. There is no other outcome.”

You don’t argue with him because you don’t want to scare him. You’ve read a lot about Dhampir babies and their birth. Your understanding is that it’s up to the child whether you live or not- they can either make the labor excruciatingly easy or they can claw their way out of you until you bleed out. You hope that Eowyn loves you and wants you in her life. You really don’t want to die.

Everything moves in slow motion as everyone frantically moves around you. Your contractions came on much faster than Shadowheart anticipated and thank the Gods that Halsin was there because he’s delivered several children before. He was equally as surprised- this is a process that could take hours, days even, but it’s been mere minutes. Astarion asks if that’s a good thing, but neither Halsin or Shadowheart know.

Jaheira and Shadowheart push your legs as you fight through the pain and push as hard as you can. The pain is searing, but you don’t feel like you are being ripped apart more than necessary so that’s a good thing.

“You’re doing such a good job, my Love,” Astarion whispers as he wipes the sweat from your forehead, “you are so so strong.”

Yes, you are. You just fought a hag and then immediately went into labor, but that doesn’t settle the fear in your heart when you are told to push again. The pain just continues to increase but nothing feels scary, if anything, the more the pain increases, the more relief you feel. Not your own, but Eowyn’s and for some reason, you feel like she’s excited to meet you.

So you push a few more times over the next two hours until a high pitched cry echoes through the room. Halsin asks Astarion if he wants to cut the cord and he agrees, but looks like he’s going to throw up the whole time. Halsin is laughing as he shows Astarion how to bathe Eowyn- your poor partner looks like he’s about to have a conniption.

“Congratulations,” Halsin says while handing Eowyn over to you, “you are the proud parents of a very healthy little girl.”

Eowyn stops crying the minute she’s in your arms and she opens her eyes- she has topaz, sun elf eyes with red flecks and you smile widely- she has your eye color!

“Well hello my sweet girl,” you coo, “thank you for not killing me.”

Eowyn is the most precious baby in the world as she squeals happily at you. You giggle and hold her tighter. Your heart feels so so full when you look at her. It was just the two of you for so long and you are so happy to be here to know her.

Wispy, blonde silver curls adorn her head and her ears are adorably pointed. Her skin is the same color as Astarion’s but with more life in her cheeks. Her lips are in a happy little pout and she is inquisitive while taking in your features. Oh and her rolls! She is a chunky little gal!

You understand now what all those parenting books were saying. You would destroy the world for Eowyn.

“And!” Shadowheart pops up from in between your legs, “you’re totally okay! Besides the expected, that is.”

A relieved laugh leaves your lips and Eowyn happily squeals again in unison. Eowyn’s eyes then seem to wander around the room, her head turning ever so slightly. You read that Dhampirs are stronger than normal infants, but you are still weary of her moving without your support.

She doesn’t stop looking around until she meets Astarion’s eyes. You follow her gaze and you smile softly at Astarion who looks so happy, scared, and relieved at the same time. Eowyn offers a chubby hand to him and you watch as Astarion walks towards both of you as if hypnotized. He hesitantly lets her take his finger and Eowyn smiles before closing her eyes and relaxing against you.

“She’s beautiful,” Astarion says in awe, “but she’s also too smart for her own good.”

“I told you so,” you say with a huff, “but noooo no one listens to mom.”

Astarion smiles brightly at you and kisses your chapped lips slowly and lovingly. He sits next to the two of you, his finger never leaving Eowyn’s hand.

****************************

The Hag had overtaken them. Astarion still isn’t quite sure how- he just remembers a big flash and something in the room taking him down to his knees. When he woke up being tortured- he felt as helpless and pathetic as he had under Cazador.

Astarion was certain he would die there or just be there for eternity. The hag blinded him and carved into his skin as much as she pleased.

Hearing your voice had felt like a balm for his shattered spirit, but that feeling was quickly overtaken with fear for you and Eowyn. You were not supposed to be here trying to protect him. He’s supposed to be protecting you.

Today was humbling. You killed the hag and saved him. You then proceeded to give birth not even three hours later and you still had asked him if it would be okay for you to take a nap.

In spite of today’s lack of success, Astarion can’t help but feel nothing but pride towards you as you snore softly next to him in the bed. Your arm is absentmindedly thrown over his torso and Eowyn is napping in his arms. You are truly a miracle walking and it’s in these moments that he still can’t believe you took him back. You’re incredible and you could easily have done this on your own.

Astarion is extremely nervous. He knows he has absolutely no paternal instinct, but he does know he loves Eowyn and you. At the end of the day that’s the important part, right? He can figure out the rest as he goes- he’s smart and quick enough on his feet.

Eowyn begins crying and suddenly that process of thought is completely gone. You stir and begin to sit up with a yawn.

“She’s-“ another yawn cuts you off, “probably hungry.”

Astarion passes Eowyn to you- once again feeling entirely unhelpful. Sure enough, she immediately begins to suckle and her crying ceases. You smile at her and then look to Astarion- your features quickly changing to a look of concern. You use your other hand to wipe his tears.

“Star, what’s wrong?”

He struggles to fight the lump in his throat and to stop the tears in his eyes. You continue to look at him lovingly, providing him with comfort and assurance. Astarion can tell you what he’s feeling- maybe you can even help him get a new perspective.

“I feel so useless and well, worthless,” he chokes out, “I didn’t kill the hag, I couldn’t do anything but watch you be in pain, and I can’t even feed Eowyn.”

Your hand pauses on his cheek for a second before you shake your head.

“Astarion, you saved me from that horrid creature earlier this morning. If you hadn’t been there, I would be chopped up somewhere and Eowyn would be turned into a hag,” you say tearfully, “and I could not have gone into labor without you here. That was one of my biggest fears before you arrived at my door- I just wanted you here with us.

“And you are certainly welcome to try and feed Eowyn,” you tease, “but last time I checked you aren’t producing milk and besides, it’s not your fault. She’s mere hours old and I haven’t even begun to try to fill up a bottle or two for you to use. Just please don't beat yourself up, my Star. You mean the whole world to me and I couldn’t have done any of this without you. Not to mention- Eowyn adores you so you have to stick around.”

Astarion’s heart glows and cracks at the same time. He would never leave you- he may raise Eowyn with questionable morals, but he has no intentions of not being a part of her life until both of you are long gone and his own time comes.

Everything else you said though? It did help to throw the worst of his negative feelings out.

“I never intended on leaving,” he says quickly, not thinking about how his feelings may have sounded, “but thank you, my Love. I needed to hear that.”

“Of course, anytime.”

The two of you talk and obsess over how adorable she is, what features she seems to have from who, etc. You eventually fall asleep leaning against Astarion while feeding Eowyn.

When she’s done, Astarion gently takes her from your arms and burps her like every parenting book says to do. It’s not a ridiculously hard process, but the spit up on his shirt is definitely not his favorite.

“Really? This is my nice shirt!” He whispers at Eowyn who just smiles at him, “okay fine, you can spit up on my shirts.”

Eowyn yawns and goes back to sleep- it takes everything in Astarion not to melt into a puddle. He didn’t think a yawn could be so adorable in his whole life.

You begin to snore softly again and Eowyn is right behind you. Astarion chuckles to himself and places a soft kiss on Eowyn’s forehead.

He’s excited to introduce her to everyone- Dal has been sending letters non-stop asking when she can visit. Astarion has been procrastinating because he knows she’ll bring Petras too and if you hadn’t made it… well it would not have been a happy union.

Dal is already referring to herself as Eowyn’s aunt which made Astarion slightly uncomfortable at first because he and his siblings had never truly been close, but then she visited with Petras, Aurelia, and even Violet during your 7th month of pregnancy and you all had hit it off very well and, without Cazador, Astarion found he actually enjoys his siblings’ company. They are actually decent people now that they aren’t all being horribly abused. Well, Violet may be the exception, she’s still a shit who loves to play pranks, but at least they aren’t painful or out of vengeance.

Then there are his traveling companions- his chosen family as you refer to them as. Every single one of them is going to want to meet Eowyn and smother her in love. He’s most excited to see Lae’zel’s reaction- she’s going to be horrified by how squishy human children are, but Eowyn will win her over.

Astarion decides to talk to you about having them visit once you are awake and if you seem to be feeling much stronger. He knows one thing for sure though- Eowyn is going to have the biggest and most loving family anyone could ever have.

[jolalibrary]

I’m about to get mushy and sweet and grateful so if you’d prefer to skip that, meet my new plant.

june isn’t usually a good mental health month for me.

which sucks cause it’s pride and the sun comes out, but somehow there’s always more grey clouds for me even if the sky is blue.

one year ago, to try and combat it, I began a series that was the most “me” thing I’d shared since coming back to tumblr. a thing which both terrified me—in some ways, helped me find myself again after a slew of bad june’s and bad brain times.

making javi peña fall in love with a girl through texts was like rekindling a relationship with an old version of me from before and allowed me to take that version (and all I’d learnt) forward.

this year, I’ve just wrapped up the final scene of my current series where frankie works in a hardware store. now, it’s not edited, but it’s all written, all of the scenes so I have less pressure each week and all the little moments I’ve envisioned since february are down.

and, understandably, I was sad, but also like really fucking proud? like look at me go. in one year look at how far I’ve come? the stories I’ve managed to tell, the writing I’ve been able to do that not only helps me but has brought smiles to all of you, the lovely people who continue to show up even if I shy, quiet and very anxious.

my usual routine when I finish the draft of a series is to go get cake. a thing I do on the final posting day too.

and while that had been my mission, then I saw this plant.

I kill plants. it isn’t a thing I intend to do, but I do. but this one caught my eye. in a plant plot in a shade that friends often call jo-pink. and I knew that had to be my gift to myself for finishing.

not cake (like usual), not a big iced drink that I’ll love until half way down and then feel sick from, but a plant.

I wanted to call it rainy, but the name didn’t fit. anyone who names plants will know there’s a vibe.

so meet gilbert, or gilly/bertie (we’re still workshopping), and while I water them, and post this and run, thank you, for showing up even though you don’t need to. thank you for bringing a smile to my face on the days it feels really hard.

and thank you for allowing me to have a place that I feel safe to share, because while my brain will create stories, it’s you all showing up that makes it feel safer to get my finger to press the post button each week.

i’m so happy one year ago I shared late night texts, and I’m really happy that today I finished the first draft of do me yourself.

I love you all.

[miss-musings]

"You Should Be More Careful With Your Shooting Hand": Was There a Better Way to Address Crosshair's Hand Tremors?

In the weeks since The Bad Batch series finale, I've seen a lot of discussion about how the show handled Crosshair's PTSD, hand tremors and losing his hand to CX-2. I've seen some positive and some negative, and a lot of mixed thoughts.

So, I wanted to share my thoughts on it purely from a writing perspective. There are a lot of aspects of TBB Season 3 that could've been executed better -- *cough* CX-2 *cough* -- but I just want to focus on these ideas on paper.

Before we start: I want to state for the record that I do not have PTSD, nor am I any kind of authority on mental health conditions. I am commenting on this only from a writing perspective. If I happen to come across as insensitive, I apologize because that's not my intention.

So, let's set up the general scenario and look at a few options for tackling it, analyzing the pros and cons of each option.

An Overview of Crosshair's Hand Tremors in S3

From his very first appearance in Season 3, we see that Crosshair has a tremor in his right hand. It is implied to be a symptom of PTSD — or something akin to it in the Star Wars universe — related to being imprisoned and tortured on Tantiss.

His hand tremors impact his sharpshooting abilities during the Tantiss escape in 3.03, during the Lau shootout in 3.04 and during the confrontation with the Ice Wyrm in 3.05. However, he and his allies end up "winning the day" in all three episodes.

(His hand tremors don't seem to be a factor during the Bad Batch's showdown with Asajj Ventress in 3.09. Even if Crosshair had been at 100% against her, I doubt he would've done anything.)

It isn't until 3.07 that Crosshair's hand tremors have lasting negative consequences. As a result of not killing CX-2 during their first shootout in the spire, his group is endangered, Nemec dies and Crosshair nearly dies too.

However, the group manages to escape Teth, and I'd argue that everything in 3.11 probably would've played out the same regardless because Hemlock would’ve sent a different CX operative to Pabu instead. (Although I realize the characters don't know that.)

Crosshair's hand tremors persist through the rest of the series, seemingly getting worse as CF99 prepare to infiltrate Tantiss, until CX-2 cuts it off during the hangar fight in 3.15.

Now, let's analyze a few options for how this could've played out. Again, we're just looking at each one on paper, not in execution.

Option A: The Version We Got

Let's call the canon version Option A.

In this version, Crosshair has tremors in his right hand throughout Season 3, and the only real negative consequence is that CX-2 is alive post-3.07.

In 3.11, Crosshair misses the shot to track Omega to Tantiss. However, it's not because of his hand tremors. It's because of the timing. He was about to shoot when stormtroopers found him on the Sea Wall, and by the time he took the shot — which, why was he running anyway? — it was too late. The ship pulled away at the last second and the tracker fell in the water.

Skipping ahead to 3.15, Crosshair and his brothers are infiltrating Tantiss to rescue Omega and the other prisoners.

There's a mounting sense of dread in the hangar fight: the CX operatives show up; Hunter is knocked unconscious; and Wrecker is attacked. As the dark climax/conclusion for the hangar fight and as the payoff to their one-sided rivalry, CX-2 decides to cut off Crosshair's shooting hand.

The entire hangar fight, but especially this moment of CX-2 attacking Crosshair and preparing to cut off his hand, is probably the darkest moment in the entire finale. This is underscored by the next two scenes: In a moment of morbid humor/dramatic irony, Omega notes that the blaster fire is over and leads the other kids to the hangar; and then Echo sees his defeated brothers being carted away to Hemlock's lab.

Crosshair's amputation then adds tension to the final confrontation with Hemlock, as now he's down a hand in general and his dominant hand at that.

So, let's look at the pros and cons of Option A (the version we got):

PROS: Payoff to the one-sided rivalry with CX-2; a dark conclusion to the hangar fight; additional tension in the final confrontation with Hemlock; playing into Star Wars tropes and drawing parallels between Crosshair and other characters who've lost hands/limbs, namely Anakin Skywalker

(EDIT: This ScreenRant article also argues that Crosshair losing his hand severs his connection to Tantiss and "marks a turning point toward redemption and a brighter future." So, make of that what you will.)

CONS: Admittedly this is being reductive, but Option A could feel like the amputation essentially "solves" Crosshair's hand tremors and/or PTSD, which is definitely not how it works. It could also be a very careless way to tackle such a heavy subject matter, especially for those who suffer from PTSD and see themselves in Crosshair. (As I'll talk about more in a second, this is something YouTuber SheevTalks discussed in his TBB Season 3 review.)

Option B: Crosshair Keeps His Hand in the Finale

This is the version that I saw YouTuber SheevTalks and some other folks on social media champion. (Note: feel free to watch his TBB Season 3 review, but just know that I DO NOT agree with all of his takes about the season or the show in general.)

Essentially, everything with Crosshair's hand tremors plays out the same way up until 3.11. In this version, he misses the shot to track Omega's ship because of the hand tremors, not because of the timing.

This would add greater tension in the episodes leading up to the finale, because failing to track CX-2's ship would be an immediate and direct consequence of his hand tremors. With the exception of CX-2 surviving 3.07, we haven't had anything like this in Season 3.

It would also directly contribute to Crosshair feeling that he failed Omega (and his brothers) because of his hand tremors and add to his insecurity that he's not the capable sharpshooter he used to be anymore.

This version would have him keep his hand through the finale. That way, in the final confrontation with Hemlock, he has to battle against his hand tremors and self-doubt to save Omega. But, unlike in 3.11, this time he would be doing it with his family's physical and emotional support.

As SheevTalks argues, there are a lot of positives to this version:

PROS: a greater narrative through line and payoff for Crosshair's PTSD/hand tremors throughout Season 3; a greater emphasis on the importance of family, love and community in addressing mental health needs; Crosshair gets to keep his hand!

However, under Option B, there would also be some drawbacks and several things that would need to be addressed:

CONS: Without CX-2 cutting off Crosshair's hand in the hangar fight, we'd need some equally high-stakes conclusion AND have some kind of payoff for CX-2's rivalry with Crosshair.

Crosshair needs to sustain some kind of injury in the fight. It'd need to be 1) survivable 2) as severe and dark as losing his dominant hand and 3) add to the tension during the final confrontation with Hemlock.

CX-2 couldn't just knock Crosshair out, because then Crosshair would essentially be in the same physical state post-hangar fight as he would be pre-hangar fight. Yes, there would be additional tension in the confrontation with Hemlock because he'd have to overcome his hand tremors, but we still need some other way to conclude the hangar fight.

I've wracked my brain trying to think of ideas, and I can't come up with anything that would be as dark but survivable as getting his hand cut off — as terrible as that sounds.

I mean Wrecker gets shot in the leg later in the finale and Echo gets stabbed in the back/shoulder, and neither wound is ever addressed again. So, we'd need something much worse than either of those, but still survivable.

Plus, as I've discussed before, CX-2 is a petty bitch who definitely had a grudge against Crosshair. Cutting off his shooting hand kind of makes sense in a dark and twisted way.

One more con I'll mention is that, being reductive again, people could argue that Crosshair overcoming his PTSD/hand tremors through "the power of love" or "the power of friendship" might be cliché. But, as I'll talk about more in a bit, I don't really have a problem with that.

*****

Now, looking at Options A and B, neither is perfect. Both of them have problems, even just on paper.

So, I wonder: is there a way we can combine the two so we have the best of both worlds?

Allow me to introduce:

Option C: Crosshair Has Tremors in Both Hands

In this version, we'd set up very early in Season 3 that Crosshair has tremors in BOTH hands. Maybe his tremors are more severe in his right hand, because he uses it more; or maybe because it's his dominant hand, it's more noticeable. It doesn't really matter.

Pretty much everything in Season 3 would happen the same way, up until 3.11, when — just like Option B — Crosshair misses the shot on Pabu because of his hand tremors not because of the timing.

Then, in the 3.15 hangar fight, CX-2 still cuts off his right hand so we have payoff for their one-sided rivalry and have our dark, high-stakes conclusion to the hangar fight.

So, by the time we get to the final confrontation with Hemlock, we have double the tension because Crosshair is missing his dominant hand AND he has tremors in his left hand too.

(Side note: Because S3 canon makes it clear that Crosshair's tremors are ONLY in his right hand, I wondered why he didn't start shooting his pistol leftie as a way to compensate. As we see in 3.15, his aim was fine, and we know he can shoot leftie pretty well from S1-2.)

Option C would also make it clear to the audience that Crosshair's PTSD/hand tremors are not "solved" simply because he got his hand cut off, which would be a problem with Option A.

So, under this scenario, we combine most of the pros for both Options A and B:

PROS: Payoff to the one-sided rivalry with CX-2; a dark climax for the hangar fight; additional tension to the final confrontation with Hemlock; playing into Star Wars tropes and drawing parallels between Crosshair and other characters who've lost hands/limbs, namely Anakin Skywalker; a greater narrative through line and payoff for Crosshair's PTSD/hand tremors throughout Season 3; a greater emphasis on the importance of family, love and community in addressing mental health needs

CONS:

Under Option C, I really can't think of any new downsides.

The only one I can see is people complaining that Crosshair overcoming his PTSD/hand tremors through the "power of love" is cliche. But, as I said, I don't have a problem with that.

If we're going to be reductive about PTSD and its symptoms — with hand tremors being only one of many possible symptoms — I would much rather be reductive in a positive way. He's able to briefly overcome his hand tremors in a moment of need because he has his family's physical and emotional support. That's a far cry from "His PTSD/hand tremors are now solved!"

(EDIT: You can make the case that this also happened in the canon version. While I agree that Crosshair only made that shot in 3.15 bc he had his family’s support, I still don’t think the resolution to his PTSD/hand tremors plot line was well-executed.)

As I said I'm not an authority in mental health, but what I do know is that feeling mentally and emotionally supported, having a group of family and/or friends you can trust and confide in, and generally just having a sense of community are major factors to improving one's mental health.

Throughout Season 3, we see Crosshair wanting to deal with his hand tremors (and likely his PTSD in general) by himself. But, his family help him address it and begin the healing process.

Hunter to Omega in 3.08: See if you can convince (Crosshair) to get his hand looked at. Ignoring it won't make the problem go away. Omega to Crosshair in 3.08: Just because there's nothing AZI can do, doesn't mean your hand can't get better. Maybe you're the one who has to fix it. Omega later in 3.08: It's meditation. It'll help you heal. Not just your hand, but your mind too.

So, yeah, if we're going to be reductive about something as heavy and complex as PTSD and mental health in general, I would much rather emphasize "the power of love/friendship/family" than whatever the alternative is. Even if it's cliché.

Honestly, I think Option C would've been the best option of the three I've discussed. There are a few other possibilities I've considered — like what if CX-2 knew about Crosshair's hand tremors from their time together on Tantiss and CX-2 cut off his left hand in the hangar fight??? — but I think we'd ultimately end up covering a lot of the same ground.

However, these are all my opinions. I'm interested to hear everyone's take on this. Feel free to comment/reblog with your thoughts.

[gravedigginbbydoll]

Hawkins University : The Munson Edition

64.media.tumblr.com

AN: Hey, y'all. So this is it. I took 5ever to finish it, I know, but it's been a crazy ride. I wanted to give these two a sweet ending and plenty of room for any future blurbs if I decide to write them. Truth be told, I think I will step away from series writing for now. I will be uploading blurbs, but not as regularly as I used to. Please know I'm here tho and always willing to answer messages.

In an effort to not be corny, I won't blab too much but thank you all for reading my writing. It means the world to me. I've been through a lot while writing this fanfic, and Hawkins Uni has been my own little world that I share with you all. Your interactions, love, and reading mean the world to me. Thank you all so much.

→ cliches: friends to lovers, heavy use of nicknames instead of Y/N, we're all just struggling college kids, Music Tutor! Eddie, Resident Assistant! Reader, good girl x bad boy, instant connections, 'I don't trust most people but I trust you', 'are we friends or more?', and 'I can't believe you're such a slut that you have a special dtf drawer...'

→ warnings: mature topics, insecurity, hurt and comfort, drinking and drug usage, strong language, bullying, mental health, discussion of suicide and self harm, mature thoughts, eventual smut, minors dni

→ pairing: modern!college!eddie x college!fem!reader

<Previous Masterlist

Epilogue

Bug's POV

You stood anxiously, fiddling with your clothes, nerves swirling in your stomach. You’d passed your finals and managed to make it through the semester without a huge hiccup, even passing your Beginner’s Guitar with flying colors. Afterwards, Eddie asked you to accompany him on a date, teasing that the two of you rarely got a moment alone without Robin and Steve third-wheeling. You agreed, despite your apprehension at being seen out in public. You’d not gotten as many glares or dirty looks lately (no doubt due to the Munson boy glaring down anyone who even huffed in your direction.), but you still felt uneasy. 

You and Eddie were going to Frosty’s per your old rituals, then snuggling in bed and watching movies. But something was off. Eddie was smiling lately like he had a secret, and it made you a bit on edge. You shook your head, shaking off bad thoughts and anxiety as best as you could. 

You headed down to the parking lot, only to see Eddie looking as gorgeous as ever in a leather jacket, leaning against a motorbike. His head was tilted back, smoke billowing into the air up above him. He rarely smoked unless stressed. Your stomach tightened further. 

Maybe he wants to break up with you…

I mean…He is a catch…and way out of your league. 

You should just let him get it over with, he’s probably tired of you…

Your brain swirled with anxiety, thoughts drowning out all reason. 

Eddie turned his head over to you, smile blindingly bright. 

“Hey. Ready for our hot date?,” He teased, winking at you, brown eyes glimmering with mischief. 

You smiled as convincingly as you could, your stomach churning. 

“Sure. Let’s go.”

You sat in the furthest booth, the dim area in the usually bright burger joint giving an illusion of privacy. Eddie was sharing his fries with you, flirting blatantly and telling silly stories about his childhood years, how much of a pain he’d been for Wayne to hassle with. 

You tried to calm your nerves, seeing as he wasn’t breaking up with you. At least so far. 

Then, towards the end of the meal, soda watered down and bellies full, Eddie’s face got solemn. 

Your heart squeezed, stomach churning while your hands trembled. 

You never even got to tell him you loved him.

It was silly to think it would last anyway…

You steeled your nerves, trying to brace yourself, using all it took to keep your lip from tremblings, hands shaky and eyes stinging. 

“Look…Y/N,” He started, the use of your name and not some sweet pet name or Bug turning your nerves to ice. 

“I don’t know how to say this…I’ve been wanting to say it for a while. Since I helped you with the whole bullying incident,” He clenched his fists a bit, as if angered by the memory. Your heart was pounding. He held off from a breakup for this long? Why?

He looked up, brown eyes raw and full of emotion, brows furrowed softly. 

“You mean everything to me. You make me want to be a better person. The way you’re absolutely selfless and patient and caring…it’s like a beam of light. I know you always go on and on about how I’m a star…But in reality, I’m the moon reflecting the bright light of you,” Eddies voice was thick with emotion, eyes blinking back tears. 

Your head swam with confusion. You were still tense, readying yourself for the killing blow but loosening up a bit, brows furrowed as you stared at Eddie. 

He reached into his pocket, pulling out a small velvet box and sliding it across to you, his hands a bit shaky. 

You reached out cautiously to it, heart skipping a beat, grabbing for the box. You gingerly opened it, brow furrowing in confusion. Inside was a brand new key, the bronze twinkling up at you in the light. You grabbed at the key, turning it over in your palm. 

“Eddie..What is this?”

He fiddled with his rings, a nervous habit of his that you knew from time spent with him. His eyes darted down to the table avoiding your gaze. 

“It’s a key. To my place…It’s kinda my corny way of asking if you want to move in with me next year,” He smiled crookedly at you, cheeks pink and expression bashful. 

Your heart soared, your eyes beginning to water as you shook softly. 

Eddie’s brows furrowed, getting up quickly to sit next to you in the seat, placing his arm around you. 

“Bug… What’s wrong? Is it too soon? I’m sorry, I just-” 

You shook your head, laughing a bit while tears flowed, leaning into him and hugging him. 

“No, you doofus, I thought you were gonna break up with me!,” You sniffed, heart overflowing with emotions. 

Eddie pulled away looking into your eyes, expression worried and sympathetic. “What? Baby, no. I love you. I would never do that, especially not in a place so important to us.” 

Your heart skipped a beat as you felt everything stop. You blinked away stray tears, looking into Eddie’s warm eyes, feeling your emotions overflow. 

“You…you love me?” 

He nodded, smiling gently, caressing the side of your face. “Of course I do,” He murmured to you, eyes softening. 

You felt your heart soar as you smiled, tears continuing to roll down your cheeks, pulling Eddie in by the shirt for a bruising kiss, his soft gasp making your stomach flutter. You pulled away, smiling, eyes focused on him. 

“I love you too…of course I’ll move in with you.”

Eddie’s grin beamed as he attacked your face with kisses, causing you to squeal as he rambled on between playful pecks. 

“We’ll get you your own mug-” 

“-and start moving your stuff in-”

“-and I can build you a PC-”

You giggled the night away as Eddie continued on his excited planning, even after stopping his attack of kisses, his demeanor even brighter than before. 

That night, when the apartment was quiet and it was almost time for sleep, you and Eddie laid down, whispering promises of shopping sprees and domesticity. You felt like you were on cloud nine, your body relaxing and your heart floating above all your anxieties for the time being. 

Sure you still had issues with insecurity, and anxiety, and life was far from perfect. 

But you’d learned something. 

Maybe life didn’t necessarily have happy endings, but it sure as hell had joy, and you would savor every last drop of it. 

Taglist: @josephquinnsfreckles @corrodedcoffincumslut @kirisuteg0men @bebe07011 @amira0303 @vintagehellfire @lottie-90 @animechick555

[scenicphoenix]

Rant about diabetes below (things that grind my gears about what people say, and just general health stuff I’ve been going through lately)

You can tell when people don’t know how diabetes works when they say stuff like a cheeseburger will give them diabetes. Fucker diabetes is a sugar and carb issue not a cholesterol issue. And you can’t GIVE yourself diabetes. Getting diabetes fully depends on your body’s genetics, like family history, or just being super unlucky when it comes to health lottery

You don’t get diabetes from being fat, it’s technically the opposite. Unexplained Weight gain and loss is a symptom.

You can’t get diabetes from eating too much of certain foods. Yes including the offending ones that are bad for diabetics. It’s about insulin production and sensitivity. Some people don’t produce insulin (type one). Some people are resistant to insulin (type two and what I have). Some people will be on medical insulin their entire lives. Sometimes you can manage it with diet changes (might as well be an eating disorder in my opinion but it keeps from dying via ice cream)

Too high or low of a blood sugar can cause a diabetic coma. So if you see a diabetic eating something sweet, it could be their daily treat they allow themselves because people deserve happiness, or they could be treating a low blood sugar.

bread is mean to me, bread is delicious. Why must this be so. Some foods are just unable to be replaced. My favorite cookie recipe <\3 I miss it

Learned I almost fucking went into coma range for blood sugars a while back. I was told the numbers by a nurse at my mental health center and not yooou know….MY FUCKING DOCTOR. I knew low blood sugar could potentially cause a coma, but my doctor didn’t think it important to tell the patient with high blood sugar problems that comas were possible with highs?! I could have fucking killed myself with fucking ice cream of all fucking things.

I’m lucky I found a substitute for pasta. A reasonably priced one anyway!

Plain white sandwich bread has decent substitutes but no more fresh bread for meee :(

I never thought I would miss eating cereal. I am jealous of people’s ability to eat cereal. Even the healthy ones have to many sugars or carbs. Usually carbs. But carbs break down into sugar really quickly, which is what makes them a moderation food category.

Everything breaks down into sugar/glucose technically. It’s the body’s preference on energy. But some foods break down slower than others allowing my slow ass insulin to actually work. Alongside the help of the medical insulin I was given.

I’m on insulin now! It took them long enough. I went from between 200 and 400 to between mid 100 to low 200! It’s funny how much better it when they actually started treating it, instead of just telling me to change my diet which I had been doing for fucking months and it wasn’t working. Strictest diet of my entire life, without the insulin it still was in the 300s and 400s. Like I think my insulin resistance is bad enough I NEED the medical insulin. I won’t be surprised if I am on it for the rest of my life

Lost a lot of comfort foods. Hit my depression hard. I am learning to deal with it. Food is expensive when you have dietary restrictions. I knew that before all of this. I honestly have to thank some of the fad diets for food availability. Sugar free and low carb food is a lot easier to find these days! I still don’t like fad diets all that much. But man, they do sometimes help people who have food restrictions for medical reasons by giving those greedy CEOs dollar bill eyes when they see the marketable trend. Food is still expensive tho

If a white sugar alternative says use it like real sugar (baking or sweetness wise) they are WRONG. A white sugar substitute I have is about the same sweetness, you might notice an aftertaste if you’re sensitive to stevia sweeteners, but it is powdery. Texture is wrong. Not even like powdered sugar. Like that fake snow powder before it gets rehydrated, or really fine potato flakes. Not good for baking. Only good for coffee. Wouldn’t recommend for fruit punch or teas. No/10 wouldn’t recommend if you’re looking for an actual white sugar substitute. If you need it for only coffee maybe/10 get a small amount first

Cooking has gotten more complicated lately 👍

My depression is sooooo happy about that (sarcasm)

[loganthrives]

Just going where the hyperfixations take me I guess

Hey y'all, sorry its been a while. Wanted to do a lil personal update post. Under the cut to spare your dash in case you don't want to read my nonsense:

You might've noticed that I've really pulled back on social media lately. Tumblr is the only platform that I check even semi-regularly anymore, and the last two months its been not even a thought in my head to check it for the most part. Like, I went from checking it 2-3 times daily to not checking it for a week or more at a time, and not even noticing the change myself until recently.

This hiatus has only been semi-intentional - on the one hand, I am very easily emotionally impacted by the horrors of the world (ADHD emotional hyperarousal and justice sensitivity), and so I needed to take a biiig step back for my own mental health so I wouldn't go down yet another depressive spiral. That's had some mixed results for me, because obviously I can't just bury my head in the sand to pretend that the horrors are going to go away on their own, and I can't easily stop myself from caring about them either.

Just to be absolutely abundantly clear on my position, I still care about Palestine and want to see it freed from violence and restored. Black lives still matter and will always matter. Free Sudan and free the Congo.

I just... Being vocal about the problems of the world takes a lot more out of me than I myself often realize, and sometimes I need to/am forced to hibernate and rest my voice for a bit. Because I can be loud, and I can be belligerent and unforgiving as fuck when it comes to actual human rights abuses and literal genocide, but I am only one mentally ill and disabled queer person in Canada. I can only do so much and my voice can only go so far.

And, yeah, I know about the US election results. I've been posting a shitton of hopefully helpful links and resources to cure ballots, get your passports in order, and other support and resources for my American friends. I am also looking into asylum in Canada and how that works, and how it might potentially be extended to American expats in the future. I've already got one person I'm inviting to live with me as soon as they can get themself up here, but I might have to do more work and research before I can open my doors for more.

It hurts me on a very deep level that my impact is so sharply limited. I don't even have money I can donate anymore - all my roommates have left and I still haven't gotten this house renovated and ready for sale, so it feels like every month I'm walking on thin ice to make my bills work and still somehow feed myself. Part of me wonders whether I shouldn't just post rooms for rent again but then I definitely can't do the renovation work that needs to be done because it involves tearing out the main bathroom. Can't rent to people legally if I can't give them access to a shower or a tub. I feel stuck and unable to progress.

So, while I've been hibernating on my activism, I've been distracting myself with work and with Final Fantasy 14. I accidentally built a whole community where we do stuff together almost nightly, and its been a very inviting and fun distraction from everything. I honestly enjoy it probably a bit too much, and I'm actually getting to do the endgame stuff and content that I never got to do with any of my previous FCs, either because they were busy doing other stuff like running clubs and venues or because they were hyper toxic and constantly talked down to me about how bad they felt I was at the game. I was never bad at the game I just needed someone who had the patience to help me learn and not look down on me for every little mistake I made, and so I went and found a couple of someones who could do that for me, and now I'm basically running this shit myself.

I haven't been doing a ton of writing, though I've been thinking about my FF14 fic more than anything. Apologies again for anyone who was looking forward to more updates to my Undertale fics, and for all the writing I've promised and failed to deliver on 🥺 I stopped posting updates to Tumblr about my fic because I think most people aren't super into named WoL self-insert fics, but I still post the updates to my Discord.

If you made it this far and for some reason want to hang out with me, here's a link for my old Not Your Doll discord - https://discord.gg/G2QSa3c7wH . Its still active once in a blue moon and I post my fic updates to it, along with my activism rants and any links/things I want to share to either make you smile or laugh, or important info I think should be shared. It is also a mental health/vent space for those who need it.

If you'd like to hang out with me in FF14, my homeworld is Dynamis Rafflesia and I have the Thrives FC <THRVS>, feel free to message me ingame (character name is Logan Thrives) or submit an app to my small FC if you'd like to join up. I'm going to try and run consistent treasure map parties every other Saturday once mogtomes are over for characters who are level 60+ and have at least completed Heavensward. There is an FC Discord as well where I do all my events and things but its not exclusive to FC members and many friends have joined it. I'll give that link out privately to anyone who plays and is interested in joining my community.

Thanks for reading all my nonsense and for still sticking around and supporting me, even though I've been so inactive and quiet. I can't make any promised I know I'm not going to keep, but I do hope to return to writing and to being more active on here at some point. I do genuinely miss it.

Have a Nora pic for making it this far:

My baby girl will be ten years old in January 💜

[waitmyturtles]

Friends. It’s been a HELL of a week, no? For those of us watching BOTH the Our Skyy 2 x Bad Buddy X ATOTS episodes AND Our Dining Table (AND STEP BY STEP RETURNS NEXT WEEK, FUCK). I mean. I had purposely NOT taken on new shows to hoard my mental health resources to handle Our Skyy 2/BBS/ATOTS, but I give up, I’m just a bowl of cocktails, melted ice cream, and mental tears. 

I held off on watching Our Dining Table, episode 9, until today to recover from episode 2, part 4/4, oh holy Jesus of Our Skyy 2/BBS/ATOTS this week, but I’ve caught up on ODT, so here we go. 

The dearest wonderfriend @lurkingshan wrote a fabulous piece about the family dynamics at hand in the meeting between Yutaka and his adoptive family. Everyone knows now that that wasn’t in the manga, and I want to take a few guesses as to why it was included in the screenplay. 

I haven’t plunged into the tags as much as Shan, but it seems like some folks may think that Yutaka misjudged his adoptive family as he grew up. I’m more interested in the why of that, and Shan certainly touches upon it as an effect of Yutaka losing his parents so young. We know Yutaka has a fear of abandonment. It’s how it gets expressed that’s affecting his whole life -- including, in the words of @wen-kexing-apologist, the LONG FUCKING PREGNANT PAUSES (lol).

Yutaka was so shattered by the initial behavior of his adoptive brother when he was first taken in -- after his parents died -- that he utterly retreated into himself, and COULD NOT SEE the subtle changes of Yuki Oniisan over the course of the rest of their childhoods, as Yuki tried to reach out. Yuki ended up thinking that that was the way Yutaka just was, when in fact, this was Yutaka’s protective shield.... a sheild that ended up being mostly who Yutaka ended up being as an adult anyway.

I absolutely LOVED seeing this motif being played out in a non-canon scene, LOVED IT. I LOVED how that scene was set up, with almost HOSPITAL-LIKE lighting, SURGICAL lighting, COLD and white (yuuki means snow, funnily enough EDITING TO CORRECT, thank you to @sliceduplife for correcting me because I was only hearing “yuuki” by sound, and the kanji of his name actually means courage + tree, so please ignore the snow comparison to the lighting!) -- while the flashback to Minoru and Tane was full of warm, yellow, sun-like light. 

This was an EXAMINATION of Yutaka’s mind and heart. After talking with his adoptive family, Yutaka realized his perspective and perception was off. He’s missing subtle details about his interactions with people. His shield is SO strong that he missed fully embodying HIS OWN FEELINGS FOR MINORU -- even though, as he says to Minoru in the playground, that he KNEW what those feelings were. He just didn’t know how to act on them.

And we’re going to see, in the final episode, another instance of this, another experience of a feeling that Yutaka hasn’t had before, but one that he KNOWS HE NEEDS TO FEAR, because he lost his parents. Now that he has something GOOD -- he knows there’s a chance he’ll LOSE IT. And as friends like @respectthepetty and @troubled-mind have noted, the last episode will feature Dad Ueda-san in a turn that will not disappoint regarding this. 

But now, this fear of LOSS. Y’all and me -- we all know people, and/or we are these people, that always have something on our minds that we’re anxious about. I’m that kind of person -- I don’t feel normal if I’m not stressed about something. I just bet that this is Yutaka’s defense mechanism against any more pain, and what we’re witnessing is the embodiment of it. 

Y’all know this by now since I’m late in writing this, but next week’s episode is gonna be emotionally EVERYTHING, so get your tissues ready. I, for one, am definitely not ready, and he has a lot to do with this, so yes, I DO blame Aof Noppharnach for cliffhangers AGAIN airing his damn Our Skyy shows while the best BL airing right now is ending. COME AWN, AOF! 

[purplesurveys]

1922

Are you genuinely a fan of Starbucks or do you think it’s all hype? I'm a fan. I go there all the time to work; and even if I don't need to be there for work it's the type of place I'd go out of my way for to get a drink. I like the way their coffee tastes, I like that they're everywhere, I like that they have parking lol, and I like that the staff is always nice regardless of which branch you're in.

Are you a fan of garlic bread? It's great but I'm not Millennial/Gen Z levels of hyped over it.

Do you own any personalized clothing? What’s the reason for getting it? No tbh I find that sort of design cringey but you do you haha.

Have you bothered to think of the future lately? I guess. Sure.

Is there something you are always interested in? Anything to do with...the universe, tbh, and what's unknown about it. I always gravitate towards new discoveries or new breakthroughs when it comes to the ocean depth, or galaxies far away from us, or finding habitable elements or whatever it is on a distant planet. You get the gist. Anything that was never known before, I'd love to read more on.

What did you last hear that made your jaw drop? We had an IRL r/AITA discussion in my friend group because Hans apparently has struck a nerve with not only Angela but also her parents for continuing to act not quite his age despite their current engagement and wedding next year. I knew Angela's frustrations, but when she dropped that her parents (the nicest, quietest people on the face of the earth) were also starting to feel vocally disappointed, that's when I got really surprised and told her to deal with him on this like yesterday.

Will you be attending any concerts in the next month? No. The only concerts I'm waiting for would be Seventeen (without Jeonghan AGAIN, ugh why does the man avoid me?) and BTS.

What have you been worried about lately? My mental health.

Do you know how to swim? I know the basics and how to keep myself afloat, yes.

Do you think you could go a week without sugar? For the most part. I think I'll only struggle with coffee, but I know how to drink an iced Americano so I'll manage.

Are you a fast or slow reader? Fast.

What was the last thing to upset you? It was about work. I don't want to talk about it, but what I can share is that it was bad enough to make me not acknowledge my dogs when I got home that night, and I had a panic attack alone at 11 PM.

What was the first tattoo you got or what would be the first tattoo you’ll get? I want something dedicated to my pets, so I've always been thinking about pawprints.

What is your favourite kind of fruit cobbler? No thanks...

Is there a basement in your house? If so, what is it used for? No.

Have you driven a car today? No, but I did last night when I went to the movies by myself.

Have you eaten soup this week? I don't think I did, no.

When was the last time you were at a pet store? Can't remember.

What mode of transport did you take to high school? School service. In other words I took what we'd call a 'bus,' but in reality they're just vans haha - the likes of L300s, Hiaces, Urvans etc.

Name a personality trait of yours that you like. I am generous to the people I like and love.

Name something about your physical attraction that you dislike. I hate my hair right now as it's been unmaintained since losing the purple dye, and now the whole thing looks a way I'd personally call cheap. I spend a few minutes really getting into my hairstyle for the day and playing around with my hair so I can make the black and blonde look less messy.

Do you use a planner to keep track of your life? I have a to-do list for work but that's it.

Are your parents good cooks? My dad has been a chef all his life, so yes. My mom wouldn't count as a great cook but she cooks for us and I like her cooking all the same.

Have you ever made an item of clothing? No.

What was the most expensive bill you paid within the last month? I'm not in charge of bills but I did offer to buy a new microwave since our current one gave out, so that would technically be the answer.

What do you get complimented on the most? My writing. Every now and then someone'll say they like my hair but that I genuinely don't understand because it looks like shit now.

Do you believe in soul mates? No.

Who are the three most important people in your life? Angela and my parents.

Are you scared of the future? Not scared, maybe just agitated thinking about it not knowing what's yet to come.

What do you think of your best friend’s ex? She never had an ex.

Why did you go to the doctor the last time you went? Routine physical exam. I'm honestly surprised the results came out as well as they did, considering I don't exactly have the healthiest lifestyle.

Do you think you could handle a job in the medical field? Why or why not? No. I've heard the hours are grueling, and that's beside the fact that my profession lies nowhere near the medical field.

Do you prefer to play chess or checkers? I don't know how to play either but I'd love to be good at chess. I've always been a frustrated chess learner, i.e. I've had people teach me all the time how it works but nothing ever registers in my head lol.

If you had to go an entire week without using any technology, what do you think you would spend most of your time doing instead? Spend more time outdoors.

Do you prefer dark, brown or white chocolate? Dark or white.

How often do you wear necklaces? Never.

Would you rather wear a bracelet or a necklace? Necklace. Bracelets get in the way of writing/typing.

What’s your favorite song by Miley Cyrus? Slide Away.

Have you ever had a crush on a kinda-country boy? We don't really have the same sense/culture of 'country' as what I'm assuming this question is implying...the closest equivalent I can think of would be a boy born and raised in the province, and no, I've never had a crush on anyone like that.

Do you care about any of your exes at all? No, there's no reason to. We've been apart for a longer time than we were together.

Who last slapped your butt? That hasn't happened in years.

What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? Didn't have any.

Have you ever had a panic attack? Yes. I had one two nights ago, lmao.

Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? None that I know of. Everyone I know and their moms have birthdays in September but all those seem to be done now.

Are your biceps at all noticeable? No.

When are you moving next? No clue. Ideally before I turn 30.

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? No and never.

Would you rather go to Greece or France? Greece.

What’s your biggest priority right now? My physical and mental health.

Have you ever rubbed anyone’s feet? I don't think I have.

What would you rather: lethal injection, electric chair, or hanging? How morbid...the injection, I guess.

Have you taken someone’s virginity? Yeah.

Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? I was saying bye. I think.

Who was the first person to ever ask you out? I've never been asked out. I always did that part.

What’s one thing your partner must be able to accept about you? My pets come first.

If you had a daughter, would you allow sleepovers? Yes. I wasn't allowed in sleepovers until high school, so that was always one of the things I wanted to change for my kid when I still wanted to become a parent.

What is something you hope you never have to do again? Have bags and bags of pet food good for 30 people squished in my room. Still the record holder for worst work experience. That, and a breakup.

Have you ever seen a leech in person? I don't think so.

Have you ever joined a mosh pit? Sure.

Does your town’s hospital have a good reputation? I have no idea about its overall reputation, but I had to go there a few times to get my anti-rabies shots and all my experiences were lovely.

Did you ever want a pony for a gift as a kid? No.

Do you know who your mom’s favourite singer is? I know one of them is Lea Salonga but I wouldn't know who her all-time favorite is, if she has one.

Have you ever tried to surf? Nope.

Which one of your family members do you wish you could see more often? My dad.

Do you have dimples when you smile? There's one on my right side.

Have you ever carved anything into a tree? I don't think so.

What was the last physical pain you experienced? Hand cramp.

Do you know anyone who is terminally ill? No.

What was on the last sandwich you had? Scrambled egg.

The last person you spoke to, do you know their eye color? Dark brown.

Is there anyone you know by the name of Frank? I don't know a Frank, no.

Can you remember the title of the song you last sang aloud? Standing Next To You.

Are you currently listening to music through earphones? No, I have a Jin live in the background and the sound is coming from my laptop's speakers, not my earphones.

Have you ever owned a tire swing? No.

Do you know anyone who can fluently speak more than two languages? A lot of Filipinos are trilingual. Most of the people I went to college with are - Filipino, English, and whatever language they speak in their home province. That's why being bilingual here is not actually very impressive, lol.

Have you ever gone in a sauna? I've tried entering a few for like 0.5 seconds every time only to be reminded of how miserable I find those things.

Out of these colors, which appeals most to you: orange, blue, or green? Blue.

Have you ever been someplace tropical? Well, yeah. I live in a tropical country.

You see an ant on the ground, do you squish it? Yes.

[dogmime]

artblock woes as a "professional" full time furry artist, warning for a very long-form vent post.

so i may be in the worst artblock i've ever had. i used to believe artblock didn't exist, as a teenager especially -- just if i kept cramming coffees and iced tea into my body i'd be able to make what i want. and usually that worked. my mental health isn't particularly bad lately as i've been well-medicated, but despite that, nothing i make feels good. it comes out and i look at it and hate it immediately. i don't have a drive to draw my ocs or anything special or meaningful, either. nothing comes out the way i want it to, so why even try in the first place? why not just commission someone else? it's always the easy way out for me. when i know someone else can portray my idea better, that's what i usually end up doing.

you may have noticed i am typically commissioned to draw furry art. a lot of it a very toony, colourful art style. if you follow me and have seen my work, you'd know what i'm talking about. but a big thought that's been biting at me lately is that it's so bland that my art has become consumerist, like a brand. it draws people in like a colourful advertisement. "vintagecoyote" branded art contains no uniqueness or pizazz - nothing that sets it apart from anything else. it just grabs your attention and maybe that's why people commission me. and god am i thankful for that, but it still feels bad. my work feels soulless. like nothing that goes into it matters, thats what it is, just unfeeling cold happy furry art.

of course the only way to break out of this is by forcing myself to keep going and learn more. but the fact i have to learn more in general is pissing me off. like i'm embarassed. i'm a PROFESSIONAL, right!? why should i have someone else teach me? it's shameful. i am ashamed to hate my artwork this much.

[aajjks]

mommy issues!JK

from the bitch

okay. be safe

eunwoo said he’ll fill in for you.

i hope your son feels better soon ❤️

while at the hospital, a nurse takes seol’s blood pressure and temperature. turns out, seol did have a fever and judging from seol’s red eyes, flushed cheeks, and red nose, the doctor could tell his fever had stemmed from the 5-year old’s excessive crying.

next, the doctor asks seol a few questions to ensure the small boy isn’t being abused starting with:

“you feel safe at home, seol?”

“mhm”

“good, good. you think your dad is pretty cool?”

“mhm”

“have you gotten in trouble before, seol?”

“mhm”

“you have? what does your father do when you get in trouble? how does he reprimand you?”

“reprimand?”

“yeah, it’s the adult way of saying ‘punishment’”

“o-oh. i don’t eat ice cream if i get in trouble”

“that’s it?”

“mhm”

“do you get spankings?”

“no”

“is your father mean sometimes?”

“no. my daddy is awesome. i love him”

the doctor coos at the 5-year old who looks at jungkook with a big smile on his face. he makes sure to record all of seol’s answers and by the time he’s finished, he concludes that there is no abuse at home, however, the doctor begins to question seol as to why he was crying so much today.

“i just…i don’t know” says seol who looks down at his feet.

“what’s going on seol? why so much crying today? is it because you didn’t get ice cream today?”

“no”

“then what happened, little man? have you been sad a lot lately?” asks the doctor and in response, seol nods his head. “what’s been making you sad? is it something with your father?”

“no”

“something with school?”

“no”

“then what is it? are you scared to tell your father?”

seol stays quiet in response. he wonders if he should come clean to his father about the argument he had with that bad lady but he doesn’t want to make his father upset. what if that lady was wrong and you are his mother? but it’s obvious that you aren’t. you don’t spend any time with him outside of school and it’s time that jungkook (maybe) tells him the truth.

“ms. y/n isn’t my mommy. i-i don’t have a mommy”

“ms. y/n? who is that?”

~🫧

Jungkooks heart actually stops. When he hears Seol confess the truth and now everything clicks because now he understands why his son was struggling…

Jungkook gets up from the seat and the approaches the doctor, “uhhh ms yn… she’s his teacher and the only maternal influence in his life…” he says, with irregular breathing..

This is his fault.

He manipulated his son into thinking that you were his mother, and now that he knows the truth. He’s struggling all because his father- jungkook was selfish, he wanted you so badly.

He compromised his sons mental health

“you see I’m a single father and… he loves his teacher, and I kind of let him think that she was his mother and I take full responsibility for this…” Jungkook looks down, he has got the worst headache and now his heart hurts too because his son is suffering because of his lies.

Of course he heard that arguing with Nara yesterday.

“can you prescribe him medication for his fever and I’ll make sure to take care of him to my best abilities…” after a few minutes. He’s finally done talking with the doctor.

The doctor gives him some solid advice on how to deal with his son’s mental health and how to get him to be better.

After they’re done with the doctors appointment, he’s headed home and Seol is peacefully sleeping in the car.

Jungkook looks at him constantly, making sure that he’s breathing right, or if he’s whimpering.

…

A few minutes pass and jungkook is finally now in his home with Seol tucked in bed, he made sure to feed him and gave him the medication.

He’s still sitting on the side of the bed where Seol is sleeping. He didn’t want to let go of jungkook and even though JK wanted to ask him about the conversation, he heard yesterday it wasn’t the right time.

It’s 5 pm and Jungkook is so depressed.

As he is thinking about the wrong things, he did and lied to his son about you, his phone dings and there’s a notification

Jungkook rolls his eyes, thinking that it’s nara texting him when he sees that it’s you texting him asking about Seol and that if he’s alright, Jungkook smiles.

He can’t resist the urge to call you so he ends up calling you…

After three rings you pick up..

“Hi yn… oh first of all I’m so sorry about how Seol behaved with you earlier today and then the thing with chaeyoung…” he smiles goofily, talking in a hushed tone,

Just like the sweet girl that you are, you are trying to comfort him and your comfort is all he needs to feel better…

But soon he feels like he needs to tell you the reason behind seol’s behavior.

“Uhhh actually Nara came by yesterday and she knew about our interaction at the aquarium weirdly enough and she freaked out so she came over and started screaming about how you’re not seol’s actual mom and how his actual mommy is dead..” Jungkook takes in a breath.

“she started to claim the fact that she’s his mom and Seol heard everything because he was at home and she came over and…now he knows the truth. And he’s a heartbroken.”

“I-It’s my fault yn..”

[fairycosmos]

i just can't stop fucking up!!! also my memory has been unbelievably bad lately so so bad that i forget i'm doing things at work and then my boss will ask why i did something and i genuinely don't remember doing it so i say i didn't but then she had proof and i know then that i just forgot but i just think i'm on thin ice and not to be dramatic but i just broke up with my slightly abusive boyfriend and i'm ready to just give up. i'm ready to just leave

this is all going to sound so so annoying and ofc you can ignore it/come back to it when you're in a more receptive place but truly and honestly it's ok to fuck up and it's ok to be where you're at right now. every day i wake up and know i'm going to fuck up and be a nuisance and probably mess up numerous tasks due to the state of my mental health and sometimes i hate myself for it and sometimes i learn from it but always it passes. when it comes to work i also have memory issues and i recommend writing down what you do and why (doesn't have to be complicated at all, literally just the task and then a bullet pointed reason why) so you have an answer to give your boss if she asks. it's very very very easy to catastrophise when youre in a bad place and to think every mistake is going to lead to the implosion of your life but you have to understand there is so much more grey area than that - so much more room to breathe than it feels. unless your boss has warned you that you're on thin ice try to remind yourself that what you're doing is anxious mind reading - assuming how someone feels about you without evidence, drowning in an insecurity that has not even fully manifested itself in your reality in any tangible way yet. right now, you're doing your best with the tools you currently have. it is your employers job to work with people through their hardships. multi-faceted and flawed and real people - not machines who perform flawlessly constantly no matter the circumstances. you do not have to be that and you do not have to ignore all the energy it takes just to show up and do your job in the first place while you're dealing with something so difficult - it's a lot. and it's only natural you're overwhelmed. but you're doing it anyway and i promise that is a good thing. i am so so proud of you for breaking up with that asshole and for putting yourself first even if it was the scariest or most painful or most difficult choice you've had to make in forever - future you is absolutely going to thank you for it. from the deepest part of my heart, you deserve better and better is genuinely out there. i understand feeling like you want to give up and i'm not saying you're wrong or bad for processing that emotion and those thoughts. what i am saying is that you're obviously in a massive period of transition and growth and as much as it sounds like bullshit it is not always going to be as intensely hurtful as it is right now in this moment. get some rest, breathe, focus on getting through the next hour. that is more than good enough. tomorrow isn't here yet and when it is you can cross that bridge when you come to it. sending you the biggest hug ever - please take it easy and please don't do anything rash. if you need a friend, please come say hi any time. i get it in a lot of ways and i'd love to chat. i'm going to leave some resources that might come in handy if you implement them - they're just there for if you're ever looking for an option when you feel like you're out of them. they're not the full answer and they don't have to be, they're just a start. you're not stuck and you're not alone, though i totally get feeling as if you are. much love. x

resource / resource / resource / resource / resource

[larabiatasstuff]

Hello @larabiatasstuff I know I haven't asked you anything in a while, but I'm back now. My mental health has been quite bad recently and if it's ok with you, please could I ask you to write something with my comfort character? I love karate kid terry, and if it's ok, (trigger warning) please could you write something with him where he stops you trying to hurt yourself when your mental health is really low? I know that hes normally so brash and energetic, but I think he would be so supportive and protective of his girlfriend. If you don't want to write this that's fine, but thank you for taking the time to read this. Thank you 💙

It's so good to hear from you anon ☺️ As someone who suffers with mental health issues as well, I can relate. Life can be hard sometimes and our mind is telling us bad things. But remember after rain comes sunshine 🙏 I'm more than happy to write that for you and I hope you like it 🖤

⚠️Triggerwarning⚠️ :Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Self Harm

It was one of my bad days today. Terry had to leave early to discuss some things with John for an upcoming event where they wanted to attract new students for their dojo. I didn't want him to go but I didn't want him to worry about me either. I was still lying in bed and it felt like I had absolutely no energy to get up, or dressed, I didn't even have the energy to brush my teeth. I felt worthless and in exact this moments I remembered what my parents used to say. "You know there are people who have worse problems, people who are starving or homeless and you have everything you need and you're still complaining about how bad everything is." I started crying, I didn't want those words get to me but it was too late. I was already overthinking. Why would Terry love someone like me? What if he finds someone better? I couldn't take it anymore, the oh so familiar urge to hurt myself was almost unbearable. I got up, rushed into the bathroom and sat on the floor. I was crying uncontrollably and just before I could do something, the bathroom door opened and Terry entered the room. "Babe? Hey, hey what's wrong? Is it that bad again?" he said in a calm voice and knelt down in front of me. "It hurts so much Terry. I'm so pathetic I didn't even took a shower or brushed my teeth. I'm worthless, you deserve so much better." he gently took my shaking hands in his, stroking them with his thumb. "That's not true baby, you're the most wonderful person in the world and I love you with all my heart. It's okay to feel bad sometimes, it's okay if you don't have energy to do something today cause it will be still there tomorrow. Listen, I can't tell you how you're feeling right now cause I've never experienced it myself but I want to help you okay? I did a little research and maybe we can try that to keep you from hurting yourself. Just if you want. I know the urge is strong baby but please give it a chance. " I looked at him tears still running down my face." Okay" that was all I could bring out. Terry gave me a warm smile and got up. "I'll be right back, stay strong for me okay?" I nodded. After a few minutes he returned with a tray of ice cubes. "Terry what..." but he didn't let me finish. "You trust me right? Hold your arms out for me." I did as he said and Terry sat cross legged across from me. Then he took an ice cube and put it on my arm and left it there till the cold started to hurt. "How is that baby? Does it help a bit?" he looked directly into my eyes "It's... it feels weird but it takes the pressure away. Thank you so much for dealing with me Terry, you have better things to do than sitting on the bathroom floor with me." "Look at me Y/N nothing will ever be more important than you. Do you remember how I was before we met? I was an asshole always on drugs. But then you came into my life and saved me and now I am here doing that for you." I don't know how long we were sitting like this but it didn't matter. I have never felt more loved in my whole life.

[anxietywriter]

Things about College Students for Writing

this is for all those college au's! I'm an american student going to a private college and ik some writers like to write college au's even if they don't go to college so yeah!

the carton milk during breakfast is not good. actually worse than the milk my high school had. the milk just sits out in a tray with ice, bought it once. consistency of slime. tuition is 50k ffs

I live in one of the older dorms, the paint is peeling, there was a dead cockroach, windows that face walls, microwave and mini fridge, a desk, tiny closet, and a bed for like 6k

as a freshman, I had to attend a bunch of mandatory meetings at the beginning of the year that basically amounted to "you're in college now" inspirational speech

I live in a dorm that is mainly freshman and we have occasional one on one meetings (like 5-15 min) with our ra to talk about how we're adjusting or doing socially, emotionally, and academically

the walls are thin

ppl play music really loud in the bathroom, my room is directly in front of the bathroom so I can hear it. all of it.

good news, I don't have to listen to ppl fucking bc my school is religiously affiliated and the dorms have sex-segragation either by building or by floor

bad news, the not listening to ppl fucking is out of sheer luck bc looking at the social media, ppl are horny af

the professors so far have been way better at acknowledging and validating mental health issues than high school

comedy improv shows late at night on Fridays that hilariously contrast with the whole "religiously affiliated private school" image

more than once saying "we don't tell my therapist about this" while staying up late doing dumb shit (like binging an anime on a school night or completing a jigsaw) or having a meal they wouldn't approve of

making friends is hard

why is the ac so shitty

as always, clear difference between the stem buildings and the humanities buildings. the art building is literally outside in the open, science building has a bunch of glass rooms and an elevator??

the art students will not forget about the Incident, involving a homeless man who tried to live in the art department bathroom

Not accessible at all for wheelchair users or the physically impaired. So many stairs. You can call for a golf cart escort to class but it still takes a hit second

Lots of events happen both during and after class during the school week, but there's always hardly any worthwhile weekend events

there's a leaky roof in one of the art rooms

certain food places are supposed to be open at certain times, but they aren't (especially if they're supposed to be open at like 7am, like they are never open that early even though they're supposed to be)

generally reliable opening and closing times list of the main food places are available, but you have to hunt them down and find them on campus because the info is not available online

the info online about when the bookstore opens or closes is wrong

food trucks on the opposite side of campus near the science and art buildings for hungry students after class

no parking spaces, ever, and there's like 2k students and not all of them have a car

professors playing uncensored music

the amount of dogs I see on walks, they're so happy

bunch of cats on campus that just roam around, used to be feral and were spayed/neutered. students love them

therapy dog that students also love

weird realization that some freshman are already like 20 and some peeps in beginner/intro classes are sophomores or juniors too

laundry room is usually full unless it's past 6 pm or before 10am

have to do dishes in the bathroom sink

no kitchen in the dorm rooms (some have a kitchen sink in the lobby but that's it) unless it's an apartment style dorm

$12 for a dozen eggs on campus

can't graduate early because scholarship stipulates four years there

it's easier to stay up late than it is to get up early

p much no dress code on campus unless the class requires a specific type of dress

finals week is called dead week, you can and will get fined for being too loud late at night and early in the morning. everyone is studying or working.

[just-honey-dewd]

Miraculous Ladybug: Spoilers for Perfection (Part 1)

I’m dead.

Warning, I’m quite critical in this review/ramble. MLB spoilers for S5 E12, cuz screw chronological episode releases. Part 2 will cover Emotion (cuz I had to stop it halfway to process the madness).

Fun fact. I feel like the jump in development between these two episodes actually speaks to the amount of episodes you could skip if you wanted to see what this show would be like if it went through a more “Show don’t tell” angle. If anyone has come up with a definitive “show-don’t-tell” cut of the show once it’s finally finished, pls send me a drive or a recommendation list, or I’ll have to do it myself /hj

For realskies, I….? Perfection was middle school secondhand cringe I suppose. The “I love” “moo” thing is self-aware, but still cringe nonetheless. Wondered of a funnier variation of her trying to say “ew” instead in reaction to Adrien’s established camembert stench like she keeps holding up a picture of camembert each time to try to get herself to say “I love (ew)” — but never even considers the correlation with that stench and Plagg. I’m actually curious btw about the french variation as a non-french speaker. Je taime? Right? Idk how the cow card would play into this.

Also mad props to MLB for tackling miscommunication and issues like fear of rejection, fear of failure, golden child syndrome with more care between the Marinette and Kagami, and having that translate into an akuma — screw you I could care less what they’re actually called now — that wasn’t just blindly destructive to everyone around em. More self-destructive, which I find to be more common for people irl. The ratio of people who’d use their negativity to lash out on others is hard to gage, but I know it’s been way too late in the game for there to be only this one akuma who’d rather sit and wallow in their lonliness. More people would rather crawl in a hole and die than inconvenience a stranger.

That desire to want to sit in isolation for days on end is quite relatable. More so than the manbaby temper tantrums you’d see from Mayor Bourgeious, the Ice cream guy, or Gabriel Agreste ffs. One can argue that Hawkmoth intentionally seeks out powerhungry hateful individuals: but that requires assuming Gabriel wasn’t just blindly choosing anyone with shallow grievances, with his powers amplifying them to be stupidly destructive. So I think the less complicated conclusion is Gabriel doesn’t seek out the strongest of negative emotions, (the baby akumas shoulda been a dead indicator), but he’ll take anything. Still doesn’t take away from the fact that aside from “Perfection”, there hasn’t been any other akuma who’s emulated what it’d really feel like to have your deep negative feelings of inadequecy be amplified. Or maybe I’m just projecting, which in that case, my bad 😋

On a separate note, this show had the potential to explore the deeply tragic misuse of the butterfly miraculous — that capacity to empathise with others, recognise their sadness beneath the anger —it really coulda been a good eye opener for mental health in society. But ehhh I already shot myself in the foot long ago for even insinuating MLB would ever try to reflect or deeply respond to modern-day issues. It really isn’t more than what its premise surmises. Aside from also being an anti-rich, soap opera, pre-teen angst monstrosity. But I digress.

Overall, Perfection is not for my age demographic but the sentiment comes across. Also, Adrien attempting to sing a dramatic ballad, and it being overshadowed by Marinette and Kagami’s shared feelings of inadequecy in their relationship to each other was both disheartening but also hilarious to me. “No worries, Adrien can always come up with another song from the heart off-screen! Besties come first!” Slay honestly. (Actually I take that back, Kagami don’t follow Lila’s IG!!!—)

Thanks for reading!