#my mental and physical health have been kicking my ass lately

[heartshattering]

I keep wanting to make a more positive blog where I do stuff like keep track of my progress and personal accomplishments (like a 100 days of productivity blog or studyblr or something) but whenever I tell myself I'm going to do it, I feel like "Well I can't do it today, I messed today up by waking up too late" or "This day of the week would be a weird one to start, I should do it on a Sunday or and Monday" or "I barely did anything today, I'll just sound like a lazy dumbass" and just a whole bunch of other excuses where I never feel like I'm good enough to do it... idk

[burger-goblin]

.

[jazz-bazz]

Okay so this was inspired by me going to hockey tonight. My physics buddy’s a hockey player, so one thing lead to another and here i am at 1am typing this up. Imagine this with me:

A classmate/friend of the nerds (affectionally calling the Lab coat au ghouls this hehe) is the star player for the hockey team. He invites them to go because its their biggest game of the season (they're playing their biggest rival). They’ve never been to a game before because they’re all studying, but maybe Swiss goes “we should go, it could be good for us! we’ll study before the game, and then just enjoy the night!” so everyone agrees, and they go to the game. They realize how fun they are and they get to see their classmate kick some serious ass on the ice. 

Following this night, the nerds agree to keep going to games and using them as their night off cause a game every few weeks doesn't hurt. Their friend ends up giving them passes to hang with the team and get discounted jerseys and merch. He sees how much fun they’re having yelling and screaming (and they also seem to be less stressed while still maintaining their grades and study routines).

ajdhdhd THE NERDS I LOVE IT!

i tried adding gh like ghumblr often does with words…. but gherds sounds like the medical condition so we’re staying with nerds

ps : i am apparently incapable of writing dialogues… only rambles… also i know shit abt hockey and luci gave me the green light to have terzo as the hockey player 🙃 but ofc any mistakes are my own and if you see them no you dont…

and on that note, here we have

The Hockey Tradition

Every students, professors, staffs, even guests at the university know that The Diner Three across the street is the best to get lunch or dinner and whatever, along with Caféine for coffee runs and breakfast or snacks. Aether, Mountain, Rain, Zephyr, and Dew regularly get together in one of the two during lunch breaks ever since their first year studying there, they’re all familiar with the regular workers and owners of both places.

Especially Terzo, the diner’s owner, who maybe has too much time on his hands that not only does he run the diner, taking Theology courses ‘for the giggles‘ (his words), he’s also the star player for the local hockey team.

They first knew he played hockey when, during a very intense study session for their exam season in third semester, Terzo invited them to a game, their biggest game this season, because he saw the ghouls were stressed and ‘need to get their noses out of the books and maybe go support your favourite diner owner’.

Zephyr immediately agreed, having had enough of studying, but the others were doubtful. Though after some convincing from Zephyr and the biggest saddest wettest puppy eyes from Terzo, they finally caved, agreeing to get together for a short study session before going to the game, the perfect compromise.

During the game they found out how much fun it is, even though none of them knew much about hockey, but they’re there to support Terzo! Just randomly yelling Terzo’s name or booing whenever something not good happens to Terzo’s team. After the game they waited for Terzo near the entrance because they wanted to thank him for the invite, it was a very nice change and a welcome distraction during the stressful time.

Since then Terzo would invite them every time his team is playing, even gave them special passes that give them discounts on jerseys and merchandises and whatnots, access to the special viewing box, and even his autograph (yay). When they asked him why, he just said they’re one of the reasons his diner is never empty, and he’d like to do some nice things to treat his ghoul friends.

The ghouls all agree that going to the hockey games are really fun and does wonders for the mental health. Especially the first time they saw Professor Omega during one of the games holding an ‘I 🖤 Terzo’ sign, which descended into late night gossip sessions in one of their apartments.

The two were in the early courting stage at the time, as they found out much later. Years later on Omega’s legal birthday, the ghouls all chipped in and had the picture of Omega holding the sign printed out in several different sizes and gave it to him and Terzo, one even has those cheesy heart and glitters and whatnots made using editing apps, courtesy of Dewdrop, who, along with Aether, just can’t stop teasing their boss whenever a game’s coming up and they’re all making plans to go together.

[pjunicornart]

Symptoms of Me (vent post... kinda)

So, my mental health has been kicking my ass as of late. I haven't been feeling the best, and lately I've been beat to shit by my autistic symptoms.

So how did I vent? With Meet the Robinsons, of course. Because I feel so connected to Lewis/Cornelius, I headcanon that he experiences my symptoms as well.

I drew Neil displaying how my symptoms/trauma manifests. They're all just little doodles. I think it's important for people to see from multiple perspectives when it comes to mental health (especially neurodivergency) because everyone's symptoms manifest differently. I've wanted to make a post like this for a while, so... here you go.

This is me. (cw: brief mentions of trauma/abusive relationships)

I space out a lot. Often times I'll get lost in my daydreams, so much so that hours could pass by and I wouldn't have a clue. This happens a lot, actually. It's the reason why I'm only able to get one artwork done a day, because I constantly space out. Another little symptom displayed here is my fidgeting. As I write this post I am bouncing my leg.

Wanna know a physical sign of autism? Toe walking! I do this a lot. I do it because carpets and hardwood floors feel weird to walk on. If I don't have my house shoes or socks on, I'll toe walk everywhere.

Music is how I connect with the world. That's why I get inspired by music so often. Since I can't formulate my words on the topic of my feelings, music is how I do that. Music helps me understand myself by putting complex things I don't understand into simple to sing along to verses.

On the topic of music, it gets stuck in my head. Easily. I can put a song on loop for five hours straight and I would never get bored of it. When I go to bed, the song will play in my head, and I'll get excited because I can listen to it again in the morning. Because songs get stuck in my head so often, I would mumble under my breath the lyrics as a tick. The same could be said for my ticks in general. Small phrases or words will repeat in my head over and over again, and I'll say them aloud. Recently, "he's tired" has been on repeat for me. I don't know why.

Wanna know ANOTHER physical sign of autism? Frequent constipation/irregular and incomplete bowel movements. I am definitely guilty of this. I've been taking fiber gummies, but it's only helped a little bit. I still go over a week without going number two. This might be a bit TMI, but this is one reason why it was super difficult for my parents to potty train me. It would hurt to go, and therefore I wouldn't wanna do it. My parents weren't particularly... nice, about potty training me. I have trauma from it. Speaking of...

Because of trauma, I HATE using toilets. This kind of ties into my age regression as a coping mechanism a bit. For multiple reasons, I wish I had a better childhood. So, I regress to a mental space where I'm a happy kid. If I'm being honest? There are some days where I wish I could just go in a plastic potty and not use the toilet. Because of the trauma from potty training, yes, but also because they're loud. Loud noises suck.

Emotions? I don't understand them. To me, it's just noise. I see no reason for them, and I hate them. But it's only because I don't understand them, and this includes my own emotions. There are times where I'm crying, and I have no idea why I'm crying. I'll tell myself there's no need for me to cry here, and I'd curse myself for being "weak", when I'm just being human. I'd judge others for getting angry, because to me, it's so easy to just suppress everything and look at things logically. I had to teach myself empathy recently, because I didn't get it when I was younger.

I freeze when I'm in conflict. I remember everytime I'd get in trouble with my dad (he was emotionally abusive), I'd just sit there and cry, with the words stuck in my throat. I couldn't get them out, no matter how hard I tried. He'd yell at me and tell me to talk, and it would frustrate him when I wouldn't listen to him, and he'd just tell me off more. He didn't realize I was shutting down due to my autism (which was undiagnosed at the time - and still is because the American healthcare system sucks). It was hell. To this day, if I'm ever in a conflict, the words get stuck in my throat.

In general, my relationship with food is negative. I avoid certain foods like the plague because they trigger my very sensitive gag reflex. Most of the time it's a texture issue. That's why I have my comfort foods. They textures and tastes are perfect! You'll notice that they're mostly warm foods. These foods warm me up in a way I really like; It's a pleasant feeling. Box mac n' cheese is my all time favorite comfort food, too. I like it a specific way: It has to be the Kraft brand with the spiral pasta, and I like it with a little bit of extra milk. It makes it creamier. By the way, I don't know why I drew that burger with cheese, because I actually like my burgers plain. Just burger and bun (same with hot dogs).

I'll be okay. Just going through a rough patch right now. I have a new AU idea for MtR that I'll explain. Eventually.

[meg2md]

My life, in two pictures:

Exhibit A, trying to get swole but only succeeding when the lighting is on point, and still failing at pull-ups by trying my damndest

Exhibit B, my re-ignited love of Naruto, as well as a new obsession with non-alcoholic beers

That being said, I did drink... way too much last night. I went to trivia and truly would have been okay with 1-2 beers, but then a friend came late and wanted a drink, and my other friend is going through a rough time and wanted to go back to my place and keep drinking... and truthfully at ANY POINT I would have been okay with an NA beer, and I know for next time that I shouldn't give in to peer pressure and keep drinking. I'm confident I wouldn't have kept drinking on my own (which used to be a problem in college and medical school - binge drinking!!) and that I can do better next time. So even though I was hungover today and felt a little bit ashamed, I was able to be there for my friend when she needed it, I still went to my tennis clinic, and I know next time I'll be able to intersperse more NA beers and overall drink less.

And honestly, overall the past few months I have been drinking DRASTICALLY less and it's been very good for my mental, physical, and emotional health. Go me. I'm very proud.

Despite it all I'm actually somewhat on top of things, even though I spent most of the morning sleeping in bc I stayed up until 2 AM with my friend drunkenly singing MCR and Evanescence, and then it took awhile after tennis for my hangover to go away and for me to feel awake enough after extreme physical exertion while slightly hungover to get anything done. But I mayyyyy have this abstract I've been working on ready to submit for SGS if all goes well, and I'm also hoping on to be a middle author on a project with one of my co-residents which will also get submitted to SGS! And I actually have two ORs I can go to next week to film this video idea I have - submissions for the conference I want are due 8/8 so it's pretty tight and stressful but doable. I'm just gonna be SUPER busy next week with video stuff, in the same way i was SUPER busy this week with the lit review/IRB prep for my other project.

I'm gonna go crash into oblivion. It's already been a week of my research block and me not needing to be at the hospital barely at all but I feel like it's gone by so fast since I've been relatively busy working on all the things above. I'm definitely not efficient - a more competent research-oriented resident could probably have done it in a fraction of the time. But hey, I'm at least being academically productive, AND I played tennis, AND I'm going to two concerts this month, AND I've been allotting video game time to the start of every morning I don't have to be at the hospital.

All in all I think it's actually worked out nicely that I didn't rush to get an away rotation together last minute. I have 3 projects to work on at home AND I get to do things I like around the the neighborhood like watch Naruto, play tennis, read, and go to the gym. And I saw a pic of my ex earlier and while I was a little sad and nostalgic, it didn't rip me up like it used to (yes it's been 1.5-2 years w/e I love swiftly and deeply lol), and it just further motivated me to kick ass and be super swole and hot and buff up my CV >:)

I'm gonna be p sad going back to real work when this block is over bc ngl it's p cush

[pipermca]

Writing Year in Review - 2023

I have to say, 2023 was an odd year for me.

I finally made it to TFCon again (after taking a long hiatus during the pandemic), and it was absolutely lovely to see everyone. I got to meet some new folks face-to-face, and meet up again with people I'd met in 2019. Spouse came with me this time, and he had a pretty good time (despite only being a TF fan via osmosis).

We did no other travel, though. Part of that was because we got a new cat, so we're back to needing to make kenneling arrangements before going anywhere. And as much of a joy as our cat is, that has made travel a little more inconvenient.

I had some major disruptions at work this year, completely upending the end of my summer and start of fall. As a direct result of this, the coming year is going to be extremely challenging work-wise as I get caught up on some things. Hopefully by late summer 2024, the pressure will be off and I can relax again (back into my usual level of work-related stress).

I also had my first round of Covid in 2023, which absolutely sucked. F minus, not recommended. I came very close to going to the ER during the worst of it, and the aftermath continued to kick my ass for months. The fatigue and brain fog was real, but the other health issues that it produced are still with me. Thank god for vaccines; I don't know how things might have gone if I hadn't been vaccinated.

In the coming year, I am going to try to focus on being kind to myself, both mentally and physically. Part of that is going to include the expectations I'm setting for myself for writing.

In December, I wrote 5,500 words, most of it in the story I've started posting, A Matter of Propriety. The story is still being posted (and I need to finish writing it!!) and I'm hoping to keep up my once-a-week posting schedule. If I can't make good progress on the next chapter this week, I'll probably drop into an every-other-week schedule instead, just so I can maintain my chapter buffer. (The story will likely have eight chapters total.)

For the year, in 2023 I wrote 62,502 words. Most of that was on A Matter of Propriety and Again and Again and Again (my TF Big Bang fic). However, I only posted 24,184 words to AO3, split between 4 completed works. (A Matter of Propriety will finish in 2024, so its stats will eventually count for that year.)

Most months I didn't set a specific word count goal, and that's ok. But possibly as a result, my output was all over the map. The two major peaks are in April (when I did the bulk of my Big Bang fic writing), and July (when I got a smutty fic idea and banged (hah) it out really quick).

Like always, my average words per hour is pretty consistent, although not as much as in previous years. Still, it shows that when I do sit down and write, I get consistent work done.

As I mentioned, I didn't make specific writing goals most months, but when I did, I never reached them. That tells me I am setting my goals too high, and I need to be more realistic.

As for the goals I set for myself for 2023, I did pretty awful. 😅 Again, I think I was just setting expectations too high for myself.

Finish Sun and Moon (working title) Nope. I barely worked on it at all.

Finish one Sparkr story (any of my bunnies or WIPs!) In progress? Call this 50%.

Write two comic scripts for practice Nope.

Make more progress in IDW2 reviews Nope, 0% progress made.

Finish The King and the Bounty Hunter Barely worked on this, either, so no.

Rewrite/repost stories that I took down. Call this 50% done.

When chatting about this with a friend last night, I realized that THREE of my goals were basically "finish this longfic." Considering how much brainpower longfics take, it's no wonder I failed. So as part of my "be kind to myself" vision statement 😅 I'm going to focus on do-able goals, with one "stretch" longfic goal.

Write two comic scripts for practice

Finish reposting taken-down fics

Write and post three one-shots

Start posting Sun and Moon (working title)

My rationale for these is: I really want to practice scriptwriting. I really want to finish getting those old fics back up in a better format. I LOVE the instant quick gratification of getting a short story written and posted. And the stretch goal is to start posting Sun and Moon. If I'm starting to post it, that means I am confident about finishing it. ✨

Behind the cut is the first sentence of each of the stories I posted (sans the reposted fics, since those were all backdated to their original posting dates), and the month it was posted in. I wish everyone a happy and safe 2024!

August. Sharing is Caring. "That's it… There you go." The words were whispered into Bluestreak's audial.

August. Plans in Plans. The tiny dot in the distance grew in size as it approached, until Megatron's optics were able to resolve it into the shape of a Seeker.

September. Again and Again and Again. Create log file.

November. A Nice Set of Wheels. "So who is this guy, again?" Mirage asked, slipping between a box truck and a van.

December. A Matter of Propriety. Orion picked up his comm pad for approximately the thousandth time since being shown to his table, and checked it for messages.

[autisticmagicalgirls]

Hey I'm still alive, just have been having a lotta mental and physical health stuff going on. I did finally decide on some names for the characters, though! As well as a bit of personalities!

---

The wand user is named Ethel Hart. Xe works very hard at school, and xir biggest fear is being seen as a failure. Xe works a bit too hard to avoid that, which may eventually cause burnout. Xe doesn't have a special interest, but rather, cycles through sort-term hyperfixations on various nonfiction topics to read about. As such, if xir memory is functioning right, xe has approximate knowledge of several things. Buuuut xe has an issue of getting facts mixed up in xir head sometimes due to swapping interests so often.

For example, xe can tell you some fun facts about spiders if you encounter one, buuuut xe might forget which ones are poisonous. Perhaps the three are fighting a snake monster. Are its bites poisonous? Was it round or diamond heads that have pois- whoops too late, Chrissy got bit. Guess Ethel'll find out which it was soon enough.

Xe lives in a college dorm as xe desperately tries to figure out what xe wants to major in for xir bachelor's degree. There's so many choices! There's so much stuff to learn! Deciding on just one stresses xir out.

-----

Bear arms/hands user is Christina "Chrissy" Robinson. She is mute, and uses an AAC device to communicate with others. She does know sign language, but only really uses it at home when she doesn't have her AAC with her, such as if it's dead or she left it on the couch when going to grab some food.

She lives with her sister, Pauline (Polly), who acts as her caregiver and helps her out whereever she can. Their mom is a doctor, and isn't home a lot. She pays Polly to help care for Chrissy since Chrissy has trouble with certain things. The two girls have only recently moved to town to be closer to their mom's workplace.

I'm thinking I might have Chrissy's dyspraxia be rough. Like... She has difficulty balancing when going up and down steps, trouble gripping small objects like forks and pencils and such, and she tends to either drop things or grasp them too hard. She also tends to fall a lot, if not careful.

I'm flip flopping between weather or not she minds eye contact, but anyway,

Due to her dyspraxia she has difficulty doing certain things like cooking, cleaning, bathing, and other things. Her sister helps her as needed, and Chrissy also has some devices and tools that help her out. For example, a spoon with a thick handle that's easier for her to grasp, with a mechanism to help itself stay balanced even if her hand goes shakey. I'm not sure what else though! If anyone has ideas, let me know. Perhaps a cane would be helpful? Idk. My dyspraxia isn't that severe, so I'd like to hear some from those who struggle with it more than me!

As for Christina's personality, she's sarcastic, blunt, and she's a bit abrasive when it comes to interacting with new people. She doesn't trust easily. Growing up she was bullied a lot and had some friends betray her trust, so now she's a bit standoffish with new people as a sort of defense mechanism. Friends can't betray you if you have none, right? People can't attack your insecurities if you hide them behind enough false confidence, right?

She read the words "fake it til you make it" and she FELT that shit. In junior year of high school, she started closing herself off, whilst putting on a show of false confidence. She began insulting people back when they made fun of her, and eventually they seemed to shut up and stop bothering her. So that's been her strategy for the last few years.

As such, she might be a bit of an asshole at the start. It'll take some work for her to open up to working with the other two. Knowing her she'd probably try to go it alone several times and get her ass kicked hard a few times before begrudgingly admitting she needs their help.

Maybe as she befriends them and slowly lets them into her heart, she'll realize that not everyone will betray her and that she can trust people again.

I'd say her biggest fear is being all alone. As much as she intentionally tries to drive people away so that they can't hurt her, she's also fucking terrified of being fully alone. She wants people to love and trust, but she feels like it could just lead to more pain. And yet... She doesn't want to be alone.

As for Zaps, I'm still working on her personality and her whole name, but I'm thinking she'll try out "Hannah" first

[swampgallows]

enrichment, enclosure, etc.

i am enjoying the new wow xpac but also i really want to go outside and do things again :/ 

cant walk xena because of her leg and even though ive been getting up at relatively normal times the sun goes down at 4pm and all of that so i havent even been going on walks around the neighborhood

i do not leave the house for weeks at a time. 

im tired of eating, and ive been getting nauseous and dizzy a lot lately so ive only been eating maybe once or twice a day. im pretty sure it’s because i’m getting zero physical activity, except for the ringfit i do every other day, which i had to drastically reduce the difficulty of compared to the start of the year and it’s still kicking my ass because ive been so insanely sedentary. still heavier than i used to be, and i dare not weigh myself now. it will only make the situation even harder to deal with.

i recently got a ton of records but i have zero desire to play them let alone stream. really bummed about how the transitions in my headphones are not actually what’s going through the master, so most of my recordings are complete trainwrecks. i didnt realize this because i didnt have monitors until recently (getting to use them is a whole other issue). also annoyed that nobody told me, so all this time ive been like “i’ll dj! i’ll stream!” thinking ive been improving, and it turns out it’s been sloppy ka-chunk ka-chunk shit the entire time.

i havent been listening to music at all of any kind. it just bums me out. i cant remember the last time i danced. ive just been listening to podcasts and audiobooks or voice chat, save for the first week of dragonflight where i immersed myself in the game audio and nothing else.

between dragonflight and watching the extended lotrs over the last few weeks ive been aching for adventure and the life i used to live. not just road trips and raves and all of that, but the magic of strangers and the miles-long journeys on foot. 

im tired of writing this. but my therapist retired. i was assigned a new one, who is dogshit, and i will be meeting with her on wednesday specifically to have her refer me to a new therapist. i will be hard pressed to get someone as professional as my previous one, as part of the reason she retired when she did is because she knew the upcoming changes were not conducive to any actual treatment or improvement for mental health.

people love to dish out platitudes like “you’re not alone” and “you can get help” and “talk to your doctor”. feeding me wax fruit when im fucking starving. they say that shit because theyve never bit into this. they have no idea that it might look good on the outside, but the inside, it’s all hollow

[ottogatto]

To those morons who go "medicine is supposed to taste bad so that children don't overdose":

Actually, pharmacies have engineered medicine that taste good, so that parents don't have to be confronted to a serious problem: kids who refuse to be medicated because the medicine tastes horrible. Either the parents had to force their kids to take it (physically, verbally, or through deceit), making it a horrible experience for both the parents and the kid, or they had to battle several times in some sort of negotiation. Not only the kids will associate medicine with something bad, but the parents themselves could decide that giving them medicine is not worth the trouble. So the kids and the parents suffer, from the disease and/or the awful medicine. For mild diseases, it's not that bad. For more serious diseases, it's hell.

Speaking of serious diseases, maybe people should realize that medicine as a whole shouldn't taste bad just because "think of the children". Maybe we should think instead "think of the eldery". Eldery people are those who need and consume the most medicine, so why make them suffer for a choice that seemingly only targets children? Should they spend the rest of their lives having to take one horrible medicine after the other because of stupid karens and their kids? Could it be possible that making the medicine taste horrible will push them to stop medicating altogether, leading eldery people to suffer through more disabilities and die sooner?

This applies to all the population that requires long term, curative or palliative treatment by the way. Make the medicine taste bad and you're forcing them to choose between pain and relief in the form of an early death.

As for the main issue of children safety, making the medicine taste bad won't help. In fact, relying on the idea that, just because medicine tastes bad, you can leave it around where kids can get it, is fucking dangerous. Bleach and various cleaning products that definitely taste bad haven't prevented kids from poisoning themselves. What if the kid is playing a stupid game of dare, set up by a family member or a friend? What if the taste kicks in too late? What if the kid actually likes the medicine's horrible taste? Overdose. What a great parent. (And what about medicine that's not supposed to be swallowed, like creams? Making dermocorticoids taste bad, for instance, won't prevent the kid from going "this makes mom feel better, so I'll apply all the tube all over my body". Or apply creams on wounds/eyes/mucosa when some of them should absolutely not be applied there. Or creams that contain toxic components for the kids, or creams that could trigger an allergic reaction, with the risk of anaphylactic shock.) This could have been prevented if you'd put the medicine where children can't get it. Secure the medicine in a shelf/box and lock it with a key or a code--do something. Not only you'll be able to choose medicine that tastes okay/great (making the administration far easier or even an enjoyable experience, for both the kid and the parent), but you'll follow a method that actually prevents medication poisoning among children.

Medication compliance is a public health issue, a real pain in the ass for doctors to ensure with their patients, maybe do not try to revert progress because of a stupid but also dangerous sadistic/masochistic mentality.

[libertyreads]

Book Review #19 of 2024--

The Stardust Thief by Chelsea Abdullah. Rating: 3.75 stars.

Read from March 11th to 15th.

I really am getting to all the books on my physical TBR that I have owned since before 2024 started. I'm now down to only two of those left. This is one of the books that has been sitting on my TBR shelf the longest. I think it's because this book got a lot of hype when it first came out in 2022 and I was a little worried it wouldn't live up to it. But this is exactly what I needed after my last two reads (both translated works that were big disappointments for me). I will say that my depression has been kicking my ass lately and has made it hard to want to read. I really had to force myself to pick up this book all week. Which doesn't say anything about the book itself. It was a fun adventure story, but my mental health probably did take away from the story a little bit.

I liked our four main characters in this one a lot. I think that the author really found ways to make them all shine. They're also four really distinct characters and we don't have the probably that sometimes happens in Fantasy novels where the characters are confusing just because they're all basically blank canvases. I probably enjoyed Aisha more than the author intended. But she's this surly sort of thief who has had a hard life and it has taken its toll on her mentally. I also liked the magical elements of the story. It was a soft sort of magic system that I don't typically love, but when the magic was used in this story there was this sense of wonder and awe that I really loved.

I will say that this story felt derivative. But all work these days is derivative, that happens when every story has already been told. I know. I know. But it felt like the author leaned on the derivative nature of the story to make it work which made it very obvious and in your face as the reader. I felt like the author should have taken the time really dive into these elements more in order to make it feel less in your face and in order to give it the author's own spin. Do I realize that I'm basically just asking for a longer book (my most common complaint to date)? Yes. Do I think I shouldn't ask for a nearly 500 page book to be longer? No. I really do think that giving this book another 50 pages to explore these elements from other works would add a lot to the story.

Overall, this was a fun time and easy enough to read (when my brain actually let me pick it up), but I'm on the fence about picking up the next book. I was really intrigued by the ending but is that enough? I'm not sure.

[jjandthebees]

I've had a really rough time lately. I just need to get my thoughts out of my head.

CW: mental health, medical talk/surgery, SI

I had surgery on my right hip last June and the recovery really kicked my ass. I have been trying to claw my way out of a really dark depressive episode ever since.

After a long and exhausting fistfight with the medical system, I finally got some of the support I need, but the timing of everything has been hellish. The short version is that I was dealing with SI in October/November and it took over a month to get the referral I needed for treatment. During that month I got dumped by a long-term partner.

I spent 2 weeks in residential treatment, was home for five days, then had surgery for my left hip. (December 28th.)

I finally felt stable after residential treatment, I was discharged almost a month ago, but recovering from surgery & and being really restricted in what I can do has made things so fucking hard. I started DBT, which is good, but isn't going to fix things immediately.

Grieving the loss of this relationship that was incredibly important to me has been really difficult. On top of the pain of it all, I was getting so many mixed messages and kept getting hurt by this person's carelessness. Last week I snapped at faer and now we're not talking.... which ig is what I needed, but I was harsh when I could have been kind.

So now I'm here. It's been three weeks since surgery and I've been struggling... A lot. I started seeing my regular therapist again today, so that'll be therapy 3x's a week.

I'm still trying to get answers for all of my health problems that are unexplained.

I'm trying to focus on the positives. Everything just. Hurts. Physically and emotionally. And the timing of dealing with it all at once has been truly brutal.

*salutes*

[forestryfae]

oh my fuckign god "did you wash clothes today" yes hi hello how are you how are you feeling are you doing well is the depression and general lack of enrichment kicking your ass are you stressed cus you have a house and two cats and you dont know what to do with them how was christmas vacation did you have fun did you live in a house where it was a constant 10c or less except for the maybe 17c you had in your bedroom? are you getting psychiatric care and medication to help you with your mental health problems?

no cus washing clothes and bugging me about it is more important. i tried to do some yesterday but we went for a walk and it was longer than expected cus they said it was short and never elaborated so i was exhausted and pissed for the rest of the day i am constantly exhausted and pissed. i have NO energy. i cant get people to talk to me when i want them to but everyone collectively has decided that when im upset and angry is the best time to reach out, when its literally too late and im already on edge and i can not fucking communicate properly how fucking hard is it for people to just. actually acknowledge that i have depression and ocd and probably other shit too and that that takes a huge toll on me, combined with just in general having a shit physical health that means i cant go for hour long walks with NO breaks in shit weather while im walking two times faster than my usual speed cus everyone with long legs or good physical health are unwilling to slow down at all or take breaks or WAIT for those of us who need them

jesus fucking christ its so infuriating how every time we go on longer walks and the people in front of us stop theyve had like a 5 minute break. and we get there and we dont even get a break. they start walking before we even reach them. so its fucking constant. my legs are fucking aching to the point where i will start crying if i dont get to take a break but thats not important. how fucking self centered and unempathic can someone be.

literally everything is OUR responsibility but we still get treated like kids and when we do our part we get their part shoved in our faces with a fun dash of "well why did you just do this why didnt you remind us" like FUCK OFF. the assholes cant even give me my penicillin without me reminding them i have recieved NO follow up after coming back from vacation i havent had anyone to talk to and my support contact, as much as i try to give her credit for the stuff she does and i try to be grateful that she atleast tries and she wants better for me than what i have, is missing most of the time and doesnt reach out to me and is completely incapable of understanding that i need them to actually d their jobs without blaming me when shit goes wrong.

holy fucking hsit how hard would it have been for them to ask "hey i know you hate going home and didnt want to, how was it at home, what happened at your house, are you doing okay after christmas vacation? hows your teeth didnt you have a medical emergency w your teeth? how do you wnat to restart your routines do you need help with that?" like its their fucking job to help me and i get fucking nada. can people just for once actually act like i have feelings and emotions and i need them to actually be validated and acknowledged without feeling like i need to justify them and defend them every time i have them?

[tinatribeca]

Life Update 9/4/23

Blessed. I have realized to be grateful for everything that I do have in a time like this. Loneliness has been a state of mind for a very long time but I'm happy to say that although I am now at 3 years single, I'm not feeling as lonely. I have my moments but I am trying to embrace the fact that I am a single girl in one of the largest cities in the world and I'm blessed to be alive given everything I have been through this passed year. My mental health is also a lot better.

I'm definitely on dating apps and find myself swiping occasionally but I hate it. I'm so picky and with age I think I've grown to be even more picky. I pay all my bills, I have my own place, career, hobbies, I'm a musician, I like to travel, I like to be at peace...

I need an addition. Not a takeaway. I need an addition that also respects the art world.

I've been going on dates. I always find something wrong with them, and usually never see them again. I'm trying to have more of an open mind.

Maybe the person for me is not on a dating app.

I'm waiting to be sitting at Starbucks where a Michael B Jordan lookalike walks up to me and starts talking about how much he also loves cubism art, iced caramel macchiatos, and Don Miguel Ruiz.

I doubt that will ever happen.

I speak to my mom often. We are a lot better than we were earlier this year. She is doing a lot better. She seems happy.

I deleted a few post from harder times a while back, which I regret because I can't look back at them and have my moment of self reflection BUT... why live in regret? I deleted a lot of my previous life updates which sucks but I'm back at it again and hoping to give as many as I can so that I can really reflect and utilize my blog.

Living alone in New York has taught me a lot. I've seen my super more times this year than I've seen my own mother. This apartment has its moments where it takes work to upkeep like yesterday the toilet was flushing non stop... I could literally hear it flushing from my bedroom.

Take a rent stabilized apartment in Brooklyn and you will definitely have the quirkiest moments.

I don't see my friends as often which sucks. Every one is doing their own thing. I'm starting to get used to this. Adulthood.

I took my father to dinner Friday for his birthday. a $200 birthday gift, he ordered every appetizer her wanted, dinner, dessert, you name it lol. I allowed it, he deserved it.

There was a guy at the next table checking me out in front of his girlfriend, also in front of my dad. It was flattering. A moment of me realizing hey, I must be attractive. The guy proceeded to also involve himself in me and my fathers conversations occasionally. At a specific point I thought to myself he might as well have sat in my lap. Me and my dad laughed about it once they left. I'm glad we both can laugh at things that other parents wouldn't find funny.

I didn't mention my father has cancer.

I haven't told many people. I didn't tell him that he looks more tired lately. We took a shot together that night and it was a reminder of him still being here. My father has always been someone I consider very close to me. Its hard knowing he's getting older and I pray that he heals and gets passed this diagnosis. There are moments where I am afraid he won't see me get married, have kids... The what if comes to mind.

I try to be honest in these posts but its hard knowing that in times where I'm thinking:

Wow I surpassed a lot...

Something else comes up. Another hiccup. Another moment of:

Shit. There goes life trying to kick my ass again.

He has a lot more testing to do and I'm here, hoping for the best.

Nevertheless, I am fine. Good even. I'm starting to accept the things I cannot change. This year was also a hard health year for me too - mentally, physically, etc. I had a lot of moments where I was very upset with life.

I'm in a better place accepting and embracing all things I cannot change. Hopefully next life update I have nothing but good news.

[maerenee930]

random thoughts.

kinda venting. just need to get some stuff/feelings out of my head.

heads up, i do mention depression and anxiety.

the past couple of weeks have been so rough. 😣😓

work has been something else and it’s been taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally and physically.

this is stupid and not actually a big deal, it was just a “aw, come on. really?” *sigh* kind of moment. you know?

so the other day i came home for lunch to take my medication and well, have lunch lol. i was reeeally looking forward to having a salami sandwich cause it just sounded so good! but then when i went to the fridge to get what i needed so i could make my sandwich, no bread 🙁

and there’s just been other little things like that lately and idk… it’s just all feeling a lot.

what doesn’t help is that my mom has been having a tough time mentally and emotionally lately as well. (for various reasons) and seeing her struggling with her mental health issues (and family issues.) has been breaking my heart 😭 all i wanna do is help her or try and make things better for her. but i can’t 😞 and i feel so useless. 😔 how can i not help the person who is always there for me and helps me when i need her.? why can’t i just know what to do to help make things a little bit better for her.?😣

you know what also really sucks? feeling so hopeless cause your depression is kicking your ass but then also invalidating your own feelings cause that’s just who you are and what you do to yourself and you try and just distract yourself and ignore the depression just hoping it’ll finally go away for a minute or a bit but it obviously doesn’t 🤦‍♀️

like uuuugh!! why can’t i be normal and just fucking let myself feel how i need to and why do i always invalidate my own feelings still? like how can i know that my feelings are valid and it’s okay to actually feel that they are valid, but don’t actually let myself feel them or feel that they are valid. i just don’t get it. why am i like this? 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

i’m soo fucking tired of feeling like i have to cry but can’t. like sometimes i physically just can’t cry and as weird as it sounds, it hurts 😣 and i just feel like i’m not allowed to cry right now. like i need to be strong for my mom and not let my shit stop me from being there for her or supporting her when she needs me/needs someone.

i’m tired of feeling like i’m not allowed to feel negative feelings. that because i objectively and realistically have it soo good and that things could be waaay worse than they are that, i’m not allowed to feel depressed. i’m not allowed to feel like i wanna run away and need a break from everything.

like in my head, i’m not allowed to feel lonely when realistically i know i’m not. and i’m only lonely (didn’t mean to rhyme lmao) because i don’t reach out to anyone. so i don’t really have the right to feel that way. i mean like if i don’t ask people to hang out/spend time with me or be there for me, then i don’t get to feel lonely. i could change it and i don’t.

(but i don’t reach out to anyone or ask them because i’m afraid i’m bothering them or that i’m annoying them. that if they say yes, they’re only saying it because they feel obligated to/like they have to. or i worry that by me asking them to hang out with me, it’s gonna come off as needy and obnoxious. i also don’t tend to reach out because i worry that people will say no. i worry that they’ll actually just not want to hang out/spend time with me. and my anxiety gets the better of me and it makes me feel bad about myself. i start to feel like i did something to make people not want spend time with me. or if they say no because they have plans, i get disappointed. that is stupid, i know lol. but it’s just something that gets to me. i mean not as much as it used to cause i worked on that when i was in therapy, but still sometimes it still does get to me and it bums me out so it makes me not want to like put myself out there to possibly be rejected. if that makes any sense at all. and i’m sure/i know there’s more to it than i like actually realize and i’m sure i’ll figure out what it is and work on that when i at some point go back to therapy 😅 and i do have other reasons as to why i worry why someone will say no, but i won’t get into that right now 😅🙃😂 so anyway lol.)

but yeah, so i’m just very frustrated with myself.

there’s more that i want to say but i’ll leave it at all of this rambling nonsense for now. i mean i’m sure i’ll make another post with the other stuff i feel like getting out of my head/off of my mind soon.

[hereticsinc]

Life has been kicking my ass lately due to this and a billion other bouts of fuckery that were just draining the hell out of me and taking a massive toll on my physical and mental health, but. Things seem to have settled down, so I'm trying to reintegrate back into being here and on Lestat.

Some of you know this, but I've got a severe connective tissue disorder, and it does fuck with me fairly frequently. Sometime last week, I woke up to find that my jaw is somewhat dislocated. It is causing me extreme pain and I'm having to take a lot of painkillers and muscle relaxers to deal with it. That being said, don't expect a whole lot of activity from me until I'm feeling better.

[dogtoyheart]

literally thinking of deleting every social media from my phone and go to a mental hospital for some rest