#my mental and physical health have been kicking my ass lately

[heartshattering]

I keep wanting to make a more positive blog where I do stuff like keep track of my progress and personal accomplishments (like a 100 days of productivity blog or studyblr or something) but whenever I tell myself I'm going to do it, I feel like "Well I can't do it today, I messed today up by waking up too late" or "This day of the week would be a weird one to start, I should do it on a Sunday or and Monday" or "I barely did anything today, I'll just sound like a lazy dumbass" and just a whole bunch of other excuses where I never feel like I'm good enough to do it... idk

[burger-goblin]

.

[pullupinarari]

Lean your weight on me [LH]

1. Nobody’s listening to me

Summary: a 9 chapter series where you are a famous singer, living the career of your dreams. But your chaotic schedule makes your body give in, making you lose your memory and forget (almost) everything.

Authors note: hiiii girlies! This is chapter 1 of 9 that I have planned for this series! I love this idea so much, I stayed up until 3 am writing it 😭 I hope you babes enjoy this, this chapter is for pure context only, and Lewis will obviously play a huge part in the following ones. Mwah mwah 🩷

Warnings: some mental health issues being neglected , exhaustion, desperation, references to taking medication, passing out, plus this is barely proofread

wc: 3983 - English is not my first language! Feedback is always appreciated

all chapters here

Interviews, photoshoots, studio sessions, sound check, performance, concert, another interview, another performance, taking pictures with the fans, going to bed late and waking up early to do it all over again. And again, and again, and again.

You’re thankful for the life you have, you really are. You are living your dream, having the career that you always prayed for.

But being famous is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a life changing experience to be able to share your art with the world, to sing your heart out every night and pour your feelings out there to a crowd who seems to hug you momentarily while singing along to every single word you get out. But the hate, the comments, the pressure from the media, the rumours, are the dark side of it.

The current tour for your most recent album is kicking your ass. Your anxiety has been through the roof, your chaotic schedule leaves you very little time to breathe, let alone to get some rest. You don’t have time to stop, to relax, and when you do, you lay your head on the pillow and your body doesn’t shut down. You can’t sleep. Your mind rushes, thinking about the next show, the new songs, the music videos you have to record, all the interviews you have scheduled - you can’t stop. And it’s been like this for the past weeks - maybe even months.

You’ve been touring the world for four months now, and it’s fun, of course it is. Everyone would give everything to have your life, but it’s hard to cope when you’re exhausted - both physically and mentally. And, on top of that, the media won’t leave you alone. At first, they would write all about your tour, your new songs, your sold out arenas. But a few weeks after, they caught you going out with a male artist that you really admire, getting in touch with him so you two could feat on a future track that you’ve been thinking about for weeks now.

But the paparazzis only need a picture. And they just need to see you with that guy at a cafe in Italy - where you and him were both performing around the same time. And that’s all it takes for your “secret encounter” to be all over the headlines, the next morning.

You don’t watch the news, you don’t read comments, you don’t read headlines. Your body gave in at around 5 am, and you managed to get some sleep during four hours. You wake up with a video call from your husband, Lewis, startling you from your sleep. Still, his name on your screen makes you smile - you wouldn’t mind lose all your sleep hours to talk to him.

“Good morning, my love” - he says, the soft british accent going straight to your ears, making you smile at his kind words.

He looks relaxed, happy and full of serotonin. You can tell that he already showered after his morning run and had breakfast, you know his routine all too well. You are a night owl and Lewis is a morning sunshine, it’s always been like this - opposites really attract themselves.

Lewis wanted to see you, he knew all too well that he would be calling to a sleepy wife, but he didn’t had much free time today, so he wanted to take the risk and call you in the morning, so you two could talk for a bit.

You told him all about your latest shows and interviews, and he talks about the upcoming GP and his plans for the day. Lewis has a topic in mind that he really wants to approach, but he doesn’t want to upset you in any way, knowing that you have been stressed enough already with the little rest you’ve been having lately.

“Babe…” - he starts. “You haven’t checked your phone today, have you?” - your husband asks you, his tone sounding careful, like he doesn’t want to step on an egg by accident.

“No, I was sleeping. Why? Did something happened that I’m missing?” - you question him back, your eyebrows glued together in confusion.

He hesitates for a moment, thinking about if he should go ahead and talk about the picture or if he should just drop it, for your own sake. But he doesn’t want to think about that all day, he doesn’t want to have a single doubt about it, he wants to hear the truth from you.

“There’s this picture all over the internet, of you and a guy at a cafe, supposedly from yesterday? Some rumours are spreading, I just wanted to ask you if there’s anything I should know?” - he asks, his tone is sweet, he doesn’t mean to point a finger at you.

You blink twice at his words, the lack of rest and the fact that you had just woke up are not helping your mind right now and you feel slow.

“Ehm, not really? Do you remember that artist that I told you about a few weeks ago? The one I really wanted to collaborate with? Our managers finally helped us meeting, since we were both playing here this week. So we went to this cafe and talked about our ideas for the song, that was basically it” - you tell him the truth, watching his face as he carefully listened to you.

“Oh and by the way, his name is George and he’s gay. So, there’s nothing for you to be worried about” - you add, your mind already trying to unveil what’s going through his own.

Lewis smiles, his eyes melting by looking at the love of his life. He knew there wasn’t anything for him to worry about, he trusts you with his entire heart and life, he could never doubt you.

“Did you managed to get some sleep last night, my love?” - he questions, actually worried about you and the lack of rest that you’ve been complaining about for the past weeks.

You sigh. “I fell asleep at like, 5 am, I guess? And now it’s 9 am, so, four hours of sleep, yayyy” - you try to fake some happiness, making Lewis snort at your irony. In spite of it, he’s still concerned about your health and he wishes he could do something to help you sleep for a while and recharge your energies.

And it’s like you can read his mind, like you could actually see the engines in his brain working, searching for solutions to your problem.

“I’m thinking about trying these new sleeping pills and see if they can help me with my sleeping schedule” - you say, half informing him, half asking for his opinion on it.

Lewis raises an eyebrow at your words, not surprising you at all. You know how he feels about this type of medication, but he also feels unable to come up with a better idea. So he sighs - “just talk to the doctor about it first, please” - he asks you.

“I will, I promise. I don’t think I can take another row of doing shows, interviews, performances and everything without getting some decent sleep” - you admit. “These last few weeks have been really rough” - you reveal, your voice croaking a bit, feeling a knot forming on your throat already, just at the thought of everything that’s been going on lately.

Little did you knew that things would get worse. The picture of you and George keeps spreading through the internet, rumours grow bigger and bigger, and as you’re walking from your hotel to the venue where you’re playing tonight, some journalists stalk you to get some answers from you.

“Y/N, is it true that you’re going out with the new breaking through artist, George Lawson?”

“Where do you and Lewis Hamilton stand after all this?”

“Are you two getting divorced?”

“Do you feel guilty after publicly cheating on your husband?”

Multiple questions that keep you awake at night. The stinging feeling in your chest pounds like drums, making it impossible for you to fall asleep. It hurts to breathe, your body feels tingly and sore, and you find yourself crying your eyes out to all of the stupid rumours surrounding yours and your husband’s name. Lewis is focused in fighting for the championship, he can’t be distracted by this type of nonsense, and it’s all because of you.

Your anxiety plays tricks on your mind, making you firmly think about how Lewis didn’t believed your explanation when he asked about George. Maybe he pretended that he believed you, but he doesn’t? What if he suspects that you’re actually cheating on him? You know you would never do that to him, he’s the love of your life, and after six years of a happy and solid marriage, you’re scared that you might lose his trust.

And things keep going downhill. The meds don’t help you sleep at all, they just make your mind feel blank, mixing your anxiety with the weird sensation of not feeling anything at all.

“The media keeps talking shit” - you say to Lewis over the phone, silently crying and praying that he wouldn’t notice it.

“Just ignore it, love. You know that all they do is lie. You’re stronger than that, it’s just some stupid rumours. Don’t worry about it” - he says to you, trying to sound calm but you know he’s in a rush, hearing how his team has called his name some times already. “I have to go, my love. I’ll call you back as soon as I can, okay?” - he ends the call before you can even reply.

Another night goes by and you get no rest at all. Instead, you spend hours scrolling through instagram, twitter, reading comments, rumours, theories. And every single word that you read, goes straight to your heart, straight to your mind, reminding you that maybe you’re not that good. Maybe you’re not deserving of everything you’ve got. Maybe you’re not deserving of your husband, of your career, of all the prizes that you’ve won so far.

Your sobs sound muffled against the pillow, your body lying alone on a cold bed, one that isn’t yours, that doesn’t feel familiar. It’s been a while since you’ve had some sense of familiarity inside of you. You miss your family, your house, your dog, your husband’s embrace, your friends. Every day, you land in a new city, where you don’t know anything, and every night, you lay on a new bed, one where you don’t feel like you belong to.

And you don’t even recognise yourself anymore. The dark bags under your eyes from the lack of sleep, the swollen face from all the crying, your body running on no energy at all - and still, you’re forced to put on a show every night, almost making you feel like you’re not human anymore, like you’re running on gasoline.

Your fans have noticed that you’re not okay, that you’re not as happy, as energetic and excited as you used to be anymore. You know some people worry about you, you worry about yourself too, and at this point, you don’t know what to do anymore to help yourself. It’s ironic how your music has saved so many lives, but you can’t seem to save yourself.

There are a lot of people counting on you, you don’t want to let anyone down. You have your family, your managers, crew, team, fans, band - that just adds more pressure on your shoulders, forcing you to put on a smile on your face and pretend to be okay.

“I love you so much, my love. Good luck at the concert” - you read Lewis’ message before going on stage. Some lies do sound sweet, your mind keeps telling you that Lewis doesn’t trust you anymore, that he’s lying when he says that he loves you.

More pictures of you outside of your hotel end up online, only for people to comment on your physical appearance now.

“Why does she look like a panda? Someone cover those dark bags for her please”

“Is that bloating or is she actually pregnant?”

“Pregnant of who? It’s been a while since her and Lewis have been together”

“Maybe it was that George guy?”

Your head hurts from all the crying, your chest hurts from sobbing so hard. You feel worthless, you just desperately want it all to stop. You want people to shut up, you want the world to stop, the lights to shut down, you don’t want to do any of this anymore.

“Can we cancel tonight’s concert? I don’t feel well” - you say to your manager, hoping you can get a break from the spotlight and the judgement looks.

You get a sigh in response. “Y/N, this is an important festival. We are talking 60 thousand tickets sold, more than 400 thousand impressions that we can get from this show alone. This is a really important one” - he tells you in an impatient manner. You gulp. You can’t let them down, so you try your best to prepare yourself, once again.

You have the afternoon off, and you think that maybe you can take some medicine and try to take a nap, maybe that will make you feel better.

“One pill hasn’t been working, might as well just double the dose and see if it helps” - you innocently think. Two pills in and still, no sleep on your free time.

You toss and turn in bed, tiring your body even more, your mind feeling electric with a million different thoughts.

So you decide to call Lewis before you have to start getting ready for the concert. He picks up the video call, his bright eyes and kind smile in full display on your phone. You immediately feel fragile and small, some tears forming in your eyes as you just smile at him in silence.

“My love, are you crying?” - he worriedly asks. You try to shrug it off, not wanting him to worry about you.

“I just miss you, that’s all” - you half lie. Of course you miss him, but that’s not all. You want to quit this chaotic life, you want to be at peace. You want to actually have some time for yourself, you want to see your family, you want to go back to therapy, you want to feel like yourself again.

Lewis gives you a sympathetic look. “Only four more shows to go until you have some days off, my love. And I’ll meet you in Spain so we can enjoy some time together, just the two of us” - he says cheekily, oh how you love him so dearly.

“I love you, I sincerely love you with all my heart, Lewis” - you say, praying that he sees through you like he always does, so he can see how honest you are.

“I love you even more, my love. You’re my whole heart, beating out of my chest” - he sends you a kiss through the phone, warming your heart a little bit more.

“Are you okay, Y/N?” - your husband asks you, and you know he truly wants to know how you are actually doing lately.

But it’s pointless to explain, no one seems to get it. You know he cares about you, but you don’t want him to worry about the wrong things when he’s so close to wining the championship - you know how that is so important to him.

“I am okay, babe. If I could just get a full night of sleep, everything would be perfect” - you lie. You sense that he doesn’t really believe you, he might have notice that you’ve been more off than usual, but you hope that he shrugs it off. It would be way harder to hide it from him if you were together, and by the phone, everything looks better than it does in reality.

“Maybe you should see a better doctor to talk about your insomnia, my love. A doctor that can actually help you, you know? Since you’ve been taking those pills and they don’t help you at all” - Lewis adds, trying his best to help.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe you should see another doctor, maybe you should call your therapist, maybe you should try and go see a witch - it’s hard to realise what’s the biggest problem right now, while you have so much on your plate. Your life is hectic, nothing brings you joy anymore, you are not in your safe space, you don’t have anyone that cares about you by your side during this difficult time. It’s insane how you are always surrounded by thousands of people every night, and yet, you’ve never felt so alone in your entire life.

Desperation has reached your bones, and if people can’t understand your physical signs, maybe they can understand how much you’re struggling right now, through your songs? So tonight you decided to play a new song that you wrote last week, addressing all the chaos that has been painting your mind and life. You want people to listen to you, to what you actually have to say.

As you sing your heart out to that new melody, begging for someone to help you, to listen to you and to support you, the tears don’t stop falling down your face, illuminating your eyes, filled with darkness and emptiness. Your heart aches, and you see the crowd crying, shocked at what they’re hearing.

You pray that there’s still a string of hope, people might understand your side through your new song, such a personal and raw cry for help - but they don’t. Back at your hotel room, you check what everyone is saying online.

“Omg she’s a genius”

“This is such a hit”

“She needs to release this asap, I am crying she’s so brave”

No one actually understands that this is how you feel now. That you need to stop, you need help. And it’s just another cry for help that gets ignored by everyone.

You give up, your body is running on nothing, you don’t even feel the passion in your veins anymore. You feel beaten up, like everyone has gotten the best of you, there’s nothing you can do anymore, you’re just a puppet in everyone’s hands.

After a day off - spent in bed, crying - you land in Switzerland for the same routine as always.

You feel dizzy, weak - probably because you haven’t eaten much lately either. Your lack of energy is so glaring, that you do most of your shows sitting down already. You don’t have the energy to spend two hours on your feet, you don’t have the energy to dance, to walk through the stage. You can’t even feel your body most of the time now. So it’s fine, you’re going to sit down on your piano and sing, like you do every night.

You feel weird, more than usual. You feel like you’ve been dissociating the entire time today, like your soul is slowly leaving your body. Your crew isn’t helping at all, not caring about your complaints, just encouraging you to get this show over with.

And you get up there, but the bright lights are too much for you, making your eyes sting, your head hurting even more. You manage to go through the first three songs, pushing your body to its limit - there must be a point of no return, after all this.

Your mouth feels dry, and you get up to get some water. Your body feels sore and weak, and it’s like you’re seeing stars for a second, before everything turns pitch black.

No one can really understand what happened, but now you’re being rushed to the nearest hospital, your body lying on the gurney, the sirens ringing as your manager looks at you, passed out, looking so debilitated and pale.

You open your eyes slowly, you don’t know where you are. You look around, and the room feels very odd to you. You look at your hands, seeing some IV’s and needles on your body. You take a breath, blinking a few times, hoping the room would feel more familiar by the second. But it doesn’t. And when people see you waking up, they rush to you.

“Y/N, oh my god! Are you okay? How are you feeling?”

“Thank god you wake up, you blacked out for hours! We were so worried”

A big group of people tells you. Your heart beats faster and faster, you don’t know who they are, but they seem to know you very well. Yet, you feel scared and alone.

“Wh- Who are all of you?” - you ask, afraid of their reaction.

They look at each other’s faces, then look back at you.

“You don’t remember us?” - they ask you, you simply shake your head. And before you could say a word, a team of doctors is rushing to your side, making you a bunch of questions and making you tests and exams.

Lewis is in a meeting with his team when he gets the call from your manager.

“Hello?” - he answers the phone, finding it weird that your manager is calling him.

“Lewis, something really bad happened. Y/N passed out on stage and we rushed her to the hospital, but she doesn’t remember anyone or anything. She lost her memory” - and that’s everything Lewis needs to know before he’s getting up from his chair and leaving his meeting.

“I’ll fly there right now” - he says, hurrying to be at your side as soon as possible.

Lewis is shaking, anxious, confused. He never worried so much about anything in his life as he does about you. And knowing that you’re in the hospital, unable to remember a single thing, rips the air from out of his lungs. He can’t stop his mind now. Could you possibly remember him? Is this just something temporary? Will you actually forget everything and never get your old memories back? What is he going to do?

What if you look at him and don’t feel love inside of your heart anymore? What if the new you, your blank mind decides that he’s the not the one for you? It’s like your demons departed from your body and landed on his, invading his system and immediately corrupting his mind.

And what if you turn into a new person that he doesn’t recognise? What if this accident makes both of you realise that you’re not meant to be together anymore? Lewis’ love for you is stronger than anything else in this world, but now he’s afraid that love would only exist on his end, scared of not receiving that same feeling of belonging from your side. His mind fills with questions and fears, as his body feels incredibly electric with anxiety, making him pick his nails and bounce his legs non-stop to try and shake some of that electricity off his body.

After almost two agonising hours of flying from Hungary to Switzerland, his jet lands, and when he finally gets to the hospital, he decides to speak to your team first. His heart is in his hands as they fill him in on everything that happened, the doctors confirming that you’ve lost your entire memory, leaving you with a blank mind. He prepares himself to walk inside your room, shaking and nervous to see your current state. The thought of you not remembering him at all is like a kick in the stomach.

When he sees you, his heart breaks. The sight of you kills him, looking so down, lying there emotionless, empty, with a scared and fragile look on your face. He takes a few steps towards you, and you turn your face to look at him, locking eyes with Lewis, making him almost fall to his knees at how deep you stare at his features.

“Lewis?” - you say, your voice croaking and tears swelling in your eyes.

[here4kpopfics]

Soulmates | VMin

Hey friends, life has been pretty shit lately. Dying family members and my own mental and physical health being looked into and just the holidays in retail kicking my ass. So I wrote a tiny lil thing. No Smut, just light hurt/mostly comfort. I hope we all have a Taehyung out there when life gets difficult. And if you don't, I hope one finds you soon. Take care of yourselves. 💕💕💕💕

and thank you to my bby @gimmethatagustd making this adorable banner without my knowledge. I love it. 🥹

Read it on AO3

[pjunicornart]

Symptoms of Me (vent post... kinda)

So, my mental health has been kicking my ass as of late. I haven't been feeling the best, and lately I've been beat to shit by my autistic symptoms.

So how did I vent? With Meet the Robinsons, of course. Because I feel so connected to Lewis/Cornelius, I headcanon that he experiences my symptoms as well.

I drew Neil displaying how my symptoms/trauma manifests. They're all just little doodles. I think it's important for people to see from multiple perspectives when it comes to mental health (especially neurodivergency) because everyone's symptoms manifest differently. I've wanted to make a post like this for a while, so... here you go.

This is me. (cw: brief mentions of trauma/abusive relationships)

I space out a lot. Often times I'll get lost in my daydreams, so much so that hours could pass by and I wouldn't have a clue. This happens a lot, actually. It's the reason why I'm only able to get one artwork done a day, because I constantly space out. Another little symptom displayed here is my fidgeting. As I write this post I am bouncing my leg.

Wanna know a physical sign of autism? Toe walking! I do this a lot. I do it because carpets and hardwood floors feel weird to walk on. If I don't have my house shoes or socks on, I'll toe walk everywhere.

Music is how I connect with the world. That's why I get inspired by music so often. Since I can't formulate my words on the topic of my feelings, music is how I do that. Music helps me understand myself by putting complex things I don't understand into simple to sing along to verses.

On the topic of music, it gets stuck in my head. Easily. I can put a song on loop for five hours straight and I would never get bored of it. When I go to bed, the song will play in my head, and I'll get excited because I can listen to it again in the morning. Because songs get stuck in my head so often, I would mumble under my breath the lyrics as a tick. The same could be said for my ticks in general. Small phrases or words will repeat in my head over and over again, and I'll say them aloud. Recently, "he's tired" has been on repeat for me. I don't know why.

Wanna know ANOTHER physical sign of autism? Frequent constipation/irregular and incomplete bowel movements. I am definitely guilty of this. I've been taking fiber gummies, but it's only helped a little bit. I still go over a week without going number two. This might be a bit TMI, but this is one reason why it was super difficult for my parents to potty train me. It would hurt to go, and therefore I wouldn't wanna do it. My parents weren't particularly... nice, about potty training me. I have trauma from it. Speaking of...

Because of trauma, I HATE using toilets. This kind of ties into my age regression as a coping mechanism a bit. For multiple reasons, I wish I had a better childhood. So, I regress to a mental space where I'm a happy kid. If I'm being honest? There are some days where I wish I could just go in a plastic potty and not use the toilet. Because of the trauma from potty training, yes, but also because they're loud. Loud noises suck.

Emotions? I don't understand them. To me, it's just noise. I see no reason for them, and I hate them. But it's only because I don't understand them, and this includes my own emotions. There are times where I'm crying, and I have no idea why I'm crying. I'll tell myself there's no need for me to cry here, and I'd curse myself for being "weak", when I'm just being human. I'd judge others for getting angry, because to me, it's so easy to just suppress everything and look at things logically. I had to teach myself empathy recently, because I didn't get it when I was younger.

I freeze when I'm in conflict. I remember everytime I'd get in trouble with my dad (he was emotionally abusive), I'd just sit there and cry, with the words stuck in my throat. I couldn't get them out, no matter how hard I tried. He'd yell at me and tell me to talk, and it would frustrate him when I wouldn't listen to him, and he'd just tell me off more. He didn't realize I was shutting down due to my autism (which was undiagnosed at the time - and still is because the American healthcare system sucks). It was hell. To this day, if I'm ever in a conflict, the words get stuck in my throat.

In general, my relationship with food is negative. I avoid certain foods like the plague because they trigger my very sensitive gag reflex. Most of the time it's a texture issue. That's why I have my comfort foods. They textures and tastes are perfect! You'll notice that they're mostly warm foods. These foods warm me up in a way I really like; It's a pleasant feeling. Box mac n' cheese is my all time favorite comfort food, too. I like it a specific way: It has to be the Kraft brand with the spiral pasta, and I like it with a little bit of extra milk. It makes it creamier. By the way, I don't know why I drew that burger with cheese, because I actually like my burgers plain. Just burger and bun (same with hot dogs).

I'll be okay. Just going through a rough patch right now. I have a new AU idea for MtR that I'll explain. Eventually.

[meg2md]

My life, in two pictures:

Exhibit A, trying to get swole but only succeeding when the lighting is on point, and still failing at pull-ups by trying my damndest

Exhibit B, my re-ignited love of Naruto, as well as a new obsession with non-alcoholic beers

That being said, I did drink... way too much last night. I went to trivia and truly would have been okay with 1-2 beers, but then a friend came late and wanted a drink, and my other friend is going through a rough time and wanted to go back to my place and keep drinking... and truthfully at ANY POINT I would have been okay with an NA beer, and I know for next time that I shouldn't give in to peer pressure and keep drinking. I'm confident I wouldn't have kept drinking on my own (which used to be a problem in college and medical school - binge drinking!!) and that I can do better next time. So even though I was hungover today and felt a little bit ashamed, I was able to be there for my friend when she needed it, I still went to my tennis clinic, and I know next time I'll be able to intersperse more NA beers and overall drink less.

And honestly, overall the past few months I have been drinking DRASTICALLY less and it's been very good for my mental, physical, and emotional health. Go me. I'm very proud.

Despite it all I'm actually somewhat on top of things, even though I spent most of the morning sleeping in bc I stayed up until 2 AM with my friend drunkenly singing MCR and Evanescence, and then it took awhile after tennis for my hangover to go away and for me to feel awake enough after extreme physical exertion while slightly hungover to get anything done. But I mayyyyy have this abstract I've been working on ready to submit for SGS if all goes well, and I'm also hoping on to be a middle author on a project with one of my co-residents which will also get submitted to SGS! And I actually have two ORs I can go to next week to film this video idea I have - submissions for the conference I want are due 8/8 so it's pretty tight and stressful but doable. I'm just gonna be SUPER busy next week with video stuff, in the same way i was SUPER busy this week with the lit review/IRB prep for my other project.

I'm gonna go crash into oblivion. It's already been a week of my research block and me not needing to be at the hospital barely at all but I feel like it's gone by so fast since I've been relatively busy working on all the things above. I'm definitely not efficient - a more competent research-oriented resident could probably have done it in a fraction of the time. But hey, I'm at least being academically productive, AND I played tennis, AND I'm going to two concerts this month, AND I've been allotting video game time to the start of every morning I don't have to be at the hospital.

All in all I think it's actually worked out nicely that I didn't rush to get an away rotation together last minute. I have 3 projects to work on at home AND I get to do things I like around the the neighborhood like watch Naruto, play tennis, read, and go to the gym. And I saw a pic of my ex earlier and while I was a little sad and nostalgic, it didn't rip me up like it used to (yes it's been 1.5-2 years w/e I love swiftly and deeply lol), and it just further motivated me to kick ass and be super swole and hot and buff up my CV >:)

I'm gonna be p sad going back to real work when this block is over bc ngl it's p cush

[pipermca]

Writing Year in Review - 2023

I have to say, 2023 was an odd year for me.

I finally made it to TFCon again (after taking a long hiatus during the pandemic), and it was absolutely lovely to see everyone. I got to meet some new folks face-to-face, and meet up again with people I'd met in 2019. Spouse came with me this time, and he had a pretty good time (despite only being a TF fan via osmosis).

We did no other travel, though. Part of that was because we got a new cat, so we're back to needing to make kenneling arrangements before going anywhere. And as much of a joy as our cat is, that has made travel a little more inconvenient.

I had some major disruptions at work this year, completely upending the end of my summer and start of fall. As a direct result of this, the coming year is going to be extremely challenging work-wise as I get caught up on some things. Hopefully by late summer 2024, the pressure will be off and I can relax again (back into my usual level of work-related stress).

I also had my first round of Covid in 2023, which absolutely sucked. F minus, not recommended. I came very close to going to the ER during the worst of it, and the aftermath continued to kick my ass for months. The fatigue and brain fog was real, but the other health issues that it produced are still with me. Thank god for vaccines; I don't know how things might have gone if I hadn't been vaccinated.

In the coming year, I am going to try to focus on being kind to myself, both mentally and physically. Part of that is going to include the expectations I'm setting for myself for writing.

In December, I wrote 5,500 words, most of it in the story I've started posting, A Matter of Propriety. The story is still being posted (and I need to finish writing it!!) and I'm hoping to keep up my once-a-week posting schedule. If I can't make good progress on the next chapter this week, I'll probably drop into an every-other-week schedule instead, just so I can maintain my chapter buffer. (The story will likely have eight chapters total.)

For the year, in 2023 I wrote 62,502 words. Most of that was on A Matter of Propriety and Again and Again and Again (my TF Big Bang fic). However, I only posted 24,184 words to AO3, split between 4 completed works. (A Matter of Propriety will finish in 2024, so its stats will eventually count for that year.)

Most months I didn't set a specific word count goal, and that's ok. But possibly as a result, my output was all over the map. The two major peaks are in April (when I did the bulk of my Big Bang fic writing), and July (when I got a smutty fic idea and banged (hah) it out really quick).

Like always, my average words per hour is pretty consistent, although not as much as in previous years. Still, it shows that when I do sit down and write, I get consistent work done.

As I mentioned, I didn't make specific writing goals most months, but when I did, I never reached them. That tells me I am setting my goals too high, and I need to be more realistic.

As for the goals I set for myself for 2023, I did pretty awful. 😅 Again, I think I was just setting expectations too high for myself.

Finish Sun and Moon (working title) Nope. I barely worked on it at all.

Finish one Sparkr story (any of my bunnies or WIPs!) In progress? Call this 50%.

Write two comic scripts for practice Nope.

Make more progress in IDW2 reviews Nope, 0% progress made.

Finish The King and the Bounty Hunter Barely worked on this, either, so no.

Rewrite/repost stories that I took down. Call this 50% done.

When chatting about this with a friend last night, I realized that THREE of my goals were basically "finish this longfic." Considering how much brainpower longfics take, it's no wonder I failed. So as part of my "be kind to myself" vision statement 😅 I'm going to focus on do-able goals, with one "stretch" longfic goal.

Write two comic scripts for practice

Finish reposting taken-down fics

Write and post three one-shots

Start posting Sun and Moon (working title)

My rationale for these is: I really want to practice scriptwriting. I really want to finish getting those old fics back up in a better format. I LOVE the instant quick gratification of getting a short story written and posted. And the stretch goal is to start posting Sun and Moon. If I'm starting to post it, that means I am confident about finishing it. ✨

Behind the cut is the first sentence of each of the stories I posted (sans the reposted fics, since those were all backdated to their original posting dates), and the month it was posted in. I wish everyone a happy and safe 2024!

August. Sharing is Caring. "That's it… There you go." The words were whispered into Bluestreak's audial.

August. Plans in Plans. The tiny dot in the distance grew in size as it approached, until Megatron's optics were able to resolve it into the shape of a Seeker.

September. Again and Again and Again. Create log file.

November. A Nice Set of Wheels. "So who is this guy, again?" Mirage asked, slipping between a box truck and a van.

December. A Matter of Propriety. Orion picked up his comm pad for approximately the thousandth time since being shown to his table, and checked it for messages.

[autisticmagicalgirls]

Hey I'm still alive, just have been having a lotta mental and physical health stuff going on. I did finally decide on some names for the characters, though! As well as a bit of personalities!

---

The wand user is named Ethel Hart. Xe works very hard at school, and xir biggest fear is being seen as a failure. Xe works a bit too hard to avoid that, which may eventually cause burnout. Xe doesn't have a special interest, but rather, cycles through sort-term hyperfixations on various nonfiction topics to read about. As such, if xir memory is functioning right, xe has approximate knowledge of several things. Buuuut xe has an issue of getting facts mixed up in xir head sometimes due to swapping interests so often.

For example, xe can tell you some fun facts about spiders if you encounter one, buuuut xe might forget which ones are poisonous. Perhaps the three are fighting a snake monster. Are its bites poisonous? Was it round or diamond heads that have pois- whoops too late, Chrissy got bit. Guess Ethel'll find out which it was soon enough.

Xe lives in a college dorm as xe desperately tries to figure out what xe wants to major in for xir bachelor's degree. There's so many choices! There's so much stuff to learn! Deciding on just one stresses xir out.

-----

Bear arms/hands user is Christina "Chrissy" Robinson. She is mute, and uses an AAC device to communicate with others. She does know sign language, but only really uses it at home when she doesn't have her AAC with her, such as if it's dead or she left it on the couch when going to grab some food.

She lives with her sister, Pauline (Polly), who acts as her caregiver and helps her out whereever she can. Their mom is a doctor, and isn't home a lot. She pays Polly to help care for Chrissy since Chrissy has trouble with certain things. The two girls have only recently moved to town to be closer to their mom's workplace.

I'm thinking I might have Chrissy's dyspraxia be rough. Like... She has difficulty balancing when going up and down steps, trouble gripping small objects like forks and pencils and such, and she tends to either drop things or grasp them too hard. She also tends to fall a lot, if not careful.

I'm flip flopping between weather or not she minds eye contact, but anyway,

Due to her dyspraxia she has difficulty doing certain things like cooking, cleaning, bathing, and other things. Her sister helps her as needed, and Chrissy also has some devices and tools that help her out. For example, a spoon with a thick handle that's easier for her to grasp, with a mechanism to help itself stay balanced even if her hand goes shakey. I'm not sure what else though! If anyone has ideas, let me know. Perhaps a cane would be helpful? Idk. My dyspraxia isn't that severe, so I'd like to hear some from those who struggle with it more than me!

As for Christina's personality, she's sarcastic, blunt, and she's a bit abrasive when it comes to interacting with new people. She doesn't trust easily. Growing up she was bullied a lot and had some friends betray her trust, so now she's a bit standoffish with new people as a sort of defense mechanism. Friends can't betray you if you have none, right? People can't attack your insecurities if you hide them behind enough false confidence, right?

She read the words "fake it til you make it" and she FELT that shit. In junior year of high school, she started closing herself off, whilst putting on a show of false confidence. She began insulting people back when they made fun of her, and eventually they seemed to shut up and stop bothering her. So that's been her strategy for the last few years.

As such, she might be a bit of an asshole at the start. It'll take some work for her to open up to working with the other two. Knowing her she'd probably try to go it alone several times and get her ass kicked hard a few times before begrudgingly admitting she needs their help.

Maybe as she befriends them and slowly lets them into her heart, she'll realize that not everyone will betray her and that she can trust people again.

I'd say her biggest fear is being all alone. As much as she intentionally tries to drive people away so that they can't hurt her, she's also fucking terrified of being fully alone. She wants people to love and trust, but she feels like it could just lead to more pain. And yet... She doesn't want to be alone.

As for Zaps, I'm still working on her personality and her whole name, but I'm thinking she'll try out "Hannah" first

[spuddy-potat]

not entirely sure what it is but my internalized ableism has been kicking my ass HARD lately

bit of an off topic vent type post so feel free to skip this one, i just wanted to organize my thoughts somewhere

tw: internalized ableism

for some context i occasionally get sciatic pain, lets say i have a bad day maybe once every 10-15, more often when im working or particularly stressed. what i define as a "bad day" is typically back pain that extends to my legs and makes it somewhat difficult to stand/walk without the threat of my knees giving out, or just prolonged bouts of sciatic pain

i realize ive had some form of sciatic pain since i was really young but it never manifested enough to really be noticeable, it only just started to become a problem my freshman year of college and has kind of remained at the level its at now

beyond that ive had a few other minor persistent health annoyances but those arent really the point here

anyway recently i havent been able to shake the feeling that its not actually as bad as i would make myself think it is, that im "playing it up" so to speak for the purpose of complaining about it and gaining, like, sympathy? i guess? from other people

that having back pain sometimes doesnt constitute calling myself disabled because for the most part i can do pretty much whatever i need to

and im no stranger to this type of self gaslighting where i keep telling myself that im making things sound worse than they are or that im actually perfectly fine and there is nothing to worry about (see: ive gone through this exact same thought process with me sexuality, depression/anxiety issues, adhd, autism(?), and gender dysphoria to name the big ones) and its a constant uphill battle to just accept a part of myself like that

i have a number of friends who struggle with disabilities, both mental and physical, and i worry that talking about my own percieved issues is discounting their experiences in a way because i think im complaining too much for what it actually is

like, the thought process is "if you actually had issues you wouldnt be using them as an excuse to complain, youre just too lazy to see that they could be fixed with simple lifestyle changes" or something

as if im using my back pain to get out of, what, working? which isnt true at all because i truly want to be able to work a full 8 hour shift without issue but my body starts to scream at me if im on my feet for more than 6 hours. and when my manager offers to give me fewer or shorter shifts i just feel so guilty because it feels like im conning her into making me work less

which isnt true! i want to work more! i really like my job!

and i see friends with worse health issues work twice as much as i do and i think "maybe i really am pretending its worse than it really is because i should be able to work like that with no problem. maybe im really doing this for sympathy that i dont deserve"

one of the biggest things that has been on my mind since this summer was that i think it would be really cool to have a cane. for the bad days when its hard to walk. so i found one that matches the one my oc has because i think that would be awesome. but for the life of me i cannot fucking convince myself to get it. because having "just a few bad days" doesnt warrant getting a mobility aid if im not gonna need to use it like 90% of the time

and of course all the friends i told about this are urging me to get it because "yes it will help you and you should get it anyway" and i agree! right up until i remember that its not actually that bad, that on my "bad days" i only make it seem worse by constantly thinking about it, i could literally just take some painkillers and it wouldnt be an issue. truly the pain isnt even that bad, right?

and so the loop starts again. an endless battle between both sides of myself, one that thinks im making everything seem worse just because i want an excuse to be lazy and gain sympathy, and the tiny tiny side that says "hey i think its good to have something that helps manage your pain even if you need it once every 10 days" and the bigger side ALWAYS wins.

its always been like this. with every issue i seem to have. and im just so tired of it.

in the grand scheme of things i realize none of this really matters, im never gonna talk myself into changing anything or trying to get better, so really im just screaming into the void here. eventually ill stop caring so much and go back to doing nothing and brushing off any pain as "its because of that terrible posture"

oof this post got really long but i just needed to put my thoughts down onto paper. i dont think i even touched on all the points i wanted to, and i dont think anyone will actually read this, but idk maybe itll help me feel a little less insane

whatever

[libertyreads]

Book Review #19 of 2024--

The Stardust Thief by Chelsea Abdullah. Rating: 3.75 stars.

Read from March 11th to 15th.

I really am getting to all the books on my physical TBR that I have owned since before 2024 started. I'm now down to only two of those left. This is one of the books that has been sitting on my TBR shelf the longest. I think it's because this book got a lot of hype when it first came out in 2022 and I was a little worried it wouldn't live up to it. But this is exactly what I needed after my last two reads (both translated works that were big disappointments for me). I will say that my depression has been kicking my ass lately and has made it hard to want to read. I really had to force myself to pick up this book all week. Which doesn't say anything about the book itself. It was a fun adventure story, but my mental health probably did take away from the story a little bit.

I liked our four main characters in this one a lot. I think that the author really found ways to make them all shine. They're also four really distinct characters and we don't have the probably that sometimes happens in Fantasy novels where the characters are confusing just because they're all basically blank canvases. I probably enjoyed Aisha more than the author intended. But she's this surly sort of thief who has had a hard life and it has taken its toll on her mentally. I also liked the magical elements of the story. It was a soft sort of magic system that I don't typically love, but when the magic was used in this story there was this sense of wonder and awe that I really loved.

I will say that this story felt derivative. But all work these days is derivative, that happens when every story has already been told. I know. I know. But it felt like the author leaned on the derivative nature of the story to make it work which made it very obvious and in your face as the reader. I felt like the author should have taken the time really dive into these elements more in order to make it feel less in your face and in order to give it the author's own spin. Do I realize that I'm basically just asking for a longer book (my most common complaint to date)? Yes. Do I think I shouldn't ask for a nearly 500 page book to be longer? No. I really do think that giving this book another 50 pages to explore these elements from other works would add a lot to the story.

Overall, this was a fun time and easy enough to read (when my brain actually let me pick it up), but I'm on the fence about picking up the next book. I was really intrigued by the ending but is that enough? I'm not sure.

[forestryfae]

oh my fuckign god "did you wash clothes today" yes hi hello how are you how are you feeling are you doing well is the depression and general lack of enrichment kicking your ass are you stressed cus you have a house and two cats and you dont know what to do with them how was christmas vacation did you have fun did you live in a house where it was a constant 10c or less except for the maybe 17c you had in your bedroom? are you getting psychiatric care and medication to help you with your mental health problems?

no cus washing clothes and bugging me about it is more important. i tried to do some yesterday but we went for a walk and it was longer than expected cus they said it was short and never elaborated so i was exhausted and pissed for the rest of the day i am constantly exhausted and pissed. i have NO energy. i cant get people to talk to me when i want them to but everyone collectively has decided that when im upset and angry is the best time to reach out, when its literally too late and im already on edge and i can not fucking communicate properly how fucking hard is it for people to just. actually acknowledge that i have depression and ocd and probably other shit too and that that takes a huge toll on me, combined with just in general having a shit physical health that means i cant go for hour long walks with NO breaks in shit weather while im walking two times faster than my usual speed cus everyone with long legs or good physical health are unwilling to slow down at all or take breaks or WAIT for those of us who need them

jesus fucking christ its so infuriating how every time we go on longer walks and the people in front of us stop theyve had like a 5 minute break. and we get there and we dont even get a break. they start walking before we even reach them. so its fucking constant. my legs are fucking aching to the point where i will start crying if i dont get to take a break but thats not important. how fucking self centered and unempathic can someone be.

literally everything is OUR responsibility but we still get treated like kids and when we do our part we get their part shoved in our faces with a fun dash of "well why did you just do this why didnt you remind us" like FUCK OFF. the assholes cant even give me my penicillin without me reminding them i have recieved NO follow up after coming back from vacation i havent had anyone to talk to and my support contact, as much as i try to give her credit for the stuff she does and i try to be grateful that she atleast tries and she wants better for me than what i have, is missing most of the time and doesnt reach out to me and is completely incapable of understanding that i need them to actually d their jobs without blaming me when shit goes wrong.

holy fucking hsit how hard would it have been for them to ask "hey i know you hate going home and didnt want to, how was it at home, what happened at your house, are you doing okay after christmas vacation? hows your teeth didnt you have a medical emergency w your teeth? how do you wnat to restart your routines do you need help with that?" like its their fucking job to help me and i get fucking nada. can people just for once actually act like i have feelings and emotions and i need them to actually be validated and acknowledged without feeling like i need to justify them and defend them every time i have them?

[tinatribeca]

Life Update 9/4/23

Blessed. I have realized to be grateful for everything that I do have in a time like this. Loneliness has been a state of mind for a very long time but I'm happy to say that although I am now at 3 years single, I'm not feeling as lonely. I have my moments but I am trying to embrace the fact that I am a single girl in one of the largest cities in the world and I'm blessed to be alive given everything I have been through this passed year. My mental health is also a lot better.

I'm definitely on dating apps and find myself swiping occasionally but I hate it. I'm so picky and with age I think I've grown to be even more picky. I pay all my bills, I have my own place, career, hobbies, I'm a musician, I like to travel, I like to be at peace...

I need an addition. Not a takeaway. I need an addition that also respects the art world.

I've been going on dates. I always find something wrong with them, and usually never see them again. I'm trying to have more of an open mind.

Maybe the person for me is not on a dating app.

I'm waiting to be sitting at Starbucks where a Michael B Jordan lookalike walks up to me and starts talking about how much he also loves cubism art, iced caramel macchiatos, and Don Miguel Ruiz.

I doubt that will ever happen.

I speak to my mom often. We are a lot better than we were earlier this year. She is doing a lot better. She seems happy.

I deleted a few post from harder times a while back, which I regret because I can't look back at them and have my moment of self reflection BUT... why live in regret? I deleted a lot of my previous life updates which sucks but I'm back at it again and hoping to give as many as I can so that I can really reflect and utilize my blog.

Living alone in New York has taught me a lot. I've seen my super more times this year than I've seen my own mother. This apartment has its moments where it takes work to upkeep like yesterday the toilet was flushing non stop... I could literally hear it flushing from my bedroom.

Take a rent stabilized apartment in Brooklyn and you will definitely have the quirkiest moments.

I don't see my friends as often which sucks. Every one is doing their own thing. I'm starting to get used to this. Adulthood.

I took my father to dinner Friday for his birthday. a $200 birthday gift, he ordered every appetizer her wanted, dinner, dessert, you name it lol. I allowed it, he deserved it.

There was a guy at the next table checking me out in front of his girlfriend, also in front of my dad. It was flattering. A moment of me realizing hey, I must be attractive. The guy proceeded to also involve himself in me and my fathers conversations occasionally. At a specific point I thought to myself he might as well have sat in my lap. Me and my dad laughed about it once they left. I'm glad we both can laugh at things that other parents wouldn't find funny.

I didn't mention my father has cancer.

I haven't told many people. I didn't tell him that he looks more tired lately. We took a shot together that night and it was a reminder of him still being here. My father has always been someone I consider very close to me. Its hard knowing he's getting older and I pray that he heals and gets passed this diagnosis. There are moments where I am afraid he won't see me get married, have kids... The what if comes to mind.

I try to be honest in these posts but its hard knowing that in times where I'm thinking:

Wow I surpassed a lot...

Something else comes up. Another hiccup. Another moment of:

Shit. There goes life trying to kick my ass again.

He has a lot more testing to do and I'm here, hoping for the best.

Nevertheless, I am fine. Good even. I'm starting to accept the things I cannot change. This year was also a hard health year for me too - mentally, physically, etc. I had a lot of moments where I was very upset with life.

I'm in a better place accepting and embracing all things I cannot change. Hopefully next life update I have nothing but good news.

[maerenee930]

random thoughts.

kinda venting. just need to get some stuff/feelings out of my head.

heads up, i do mention depression and anxiety.

the past couple of weeks have been so rough. 😣😓

work has been something else and it’s been taking a toll on me mentally, emotionally and physically.

this is stupid and not actually a big deal, it was just a “aw, come on. really?” *sigh* kind of moment. you know?

so the other day i came home for lunch to take my medication and well, have lunch lol. i was reeeally looking forward to having a salami sandwich cause it just sounded so good! but then when i went to the fridge to get what i needed so i could make my sandwich, no bread 🙁

and there’s just been other little things like that lately and idk… it’s just all feeling a lot.

what doesn’t help is that my mom has been having a tough time mentally and emotionally lately as well. (for various reasons) and seeing her struggling with her mental health issues (and family issues.) has been breaking my heart 😭 all i wanna do is help her or try and make things better for her. but i can’t 😞 and i feel so useless. 😔 how can i not help the person who is always there for me and helps me when i need her.? why can’t i just know what to do to help make things a little bit better for her.?😣

you know what also really sucks? feeling so hopeless cause your depression is kicking your ass but then also invalidating your own feelings cause that’s just who you are and what you do to yourself and you try and just distract yourself and ignore the depression just hoping it’ll finally go away for a minute or a bit but it obviously doesn’t 🤦‍♀️

like uuuugh!! why can’t i be normal and just fucking let myself feel how i need to and why do i always invalidate my own feelings still? like how can i know that my feelings are valid and it’s okay to actually feel that they are valid, but don’t actually let myself feel them or feel that they are valid. i just don’t get it. why am i like this? 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

i’m soo fucking tired of feeling like i have to cry but can’t. like sometimes i physically just can’t cry and as weird as it sounds, it hurts 😣 and i just feel like i’m not allowed to cry right now. like i need to be strong for my mom and not let my shit stop me from being there for her or supporting her when she needs me/needs someone.

i’m tired of feeling like i’m not allowed to feel negative feelings. that because i objectively and realistically have it soo good and that things could be waaay worse than they are that, i’m not allowed to feel depressed. i’m not allowed to feel like i wanna run away and need a break from everything.

like in my head, i’m not allowed to feel lonely when realistically i know i’m not. and i’m only lonely (didn’t mean to rhyme lmao) because i don’t reach out to anyone. so i don’t really have the right to feel that way. i mean like if i don’t ask people to hang out/spend time with me or be there for me, then i don’t get to feel lonely. i could change it and i don’t.

(but i don’t reach out to anyone or ask them because i’m afraid i’m bothering them or that i’m annoying them. that if they say yes, they’re only saying it because they feel obligated to/like they have to. or i worry that by me asking them to hang out with me, it’s gonna come off as needy and obnoxious. i also don’t tend to reach out because i worry that people will say no. i worry that they’ll actually just not want to hang out/spend time with me. and my anxiety gets the better of me and it makes me feel bad about myself. i start to feel like i did something to make people not want spend time with me. or if they say no because they have plans, i get disappointed. that is stupid, i know lol. but it’s just something that gets to me. i mean not as much as it used to cause i worked on that when i was in therapy, but still sometimes it still does get to me and it bums me out so it makes me not want to like put myself out there to possibly be rejected. if that makes any sense at all. and i’m sure/i know there’s more to it than i like actually realize and i’m sure i’ll figure out what it is and work on that when i at some point go back to therapy 😅 and i do have other reasons as to why i worry why someone will say no, but i won’t get into that right now 😅🙃😂 so anyway lol.)

but yeah, so i’m just very frustrated with myself.

there’s more that i want to say but i’ll leave it at all of this rambling nonsense for now. i mean i’m sure i’ll make another post with the other stuff i feel like getting out of my head/off of my mind soon.

[hereticsinc]

Life has been kicking my ass lately due to this and a billion other bouts of fuckery that were just draining the hell out of me and taking a massive toll on my physical and mental health, but. Things seem to have settled down, so I'm trying to reintegrate back into being here and on Lestat.

Some of you know this, but I've got a severe connective tissue disorder, and it does fuck with me fairly frequently. Sometime last week, I woke up to find that my jaw is somewhat dislocated. It is causing me extreme pain and I'm having to take a lot of painkillers and muscle relaxers to deal with it. That being said, don't expect a whole lot of activity from me until I'm feeling better.

[lanawinterscigarettes]

Five dating someone who's insomnia is always kicking their ass so he pops up at night to make sure they're in bed and asleep and when he sees they arent he lovingly threatens them to go to bed lmao

He would so do that too I love him sm I swear

Late Bedtime (Five Hargreeves x reader)

Warnings: reader suffers from insomnia, swearing, references to assasin! Five, slight sexual innuendo, slight angst maybe I guess?? Idk, better safe than sorry

It was late at night, and you were curled up on the couch flipping through the channels to see what was on the television. There wasn't much worth watching, just infomercials and reruns of old sitcoms. Sighing, you settled on some random trashy reality show as you wrapped your blanket tigheter around you.

"Darling, why are you still up? You're supposed to be in bed," you heard a voice suddenly ask.

Normally, a random voice talking to you in the middle of the night would have given you cause for concern and understandably freaked you out, but you knew your boyfriend well enough at this point to know he didn't care too much about using doors. You'd tried to introduce him to the concept of knocking before in the past, but after awhile you figured it wasn't worth the fight and gave up.

"Couldn't sleep," you replied, turning to face him. He was in his usual Umbrella Academy uniform, one that you often teased him for, saying that he looked like he went to a private school for rich kids. He detested it, though he agreed you weren't far off the mark. "What are you doing here?"

"I just thought I'd pop in to make sure you were asleep, which you clearly are not," he said accusingly, narrowing his eyes at you.

"I told you already, I'm not tired," you said, the ending of your sentence cut off by a sudden yawn.

He raised his eyebrows at you in an "I told you so" fashion.

"Alright, that's it. Bed, now."

"But Fiveee," you whined.

"No buts. Now, go get ready for bed, unless you want me to use some of my knowledge in disabling targets to get you there."

You gasped mockingly. "Five, are you threatening me? Your loving partner, who would do anything for you?"

He smirked. "Isn't it obvious?"

You put your hand over your heart, and began to fake cry for good measure. "How could you? Just when you think you know a person."

"I used to kill people for a living. It's pretty naive of you to think I wouldn't threaten you with acts of physical violence just to get you in bed."

Perking up, you gave him a knowing look. "Oh, so you're trying to get me in bed now, are you? In what ways?"

He let out an exasperated sigh. "Okay, look, first off, you know that's not what I meant, and second, I'm just trying to make sure you don't wake up tomorrow morning utterly sleep deprived."

"You wake up every morning utterly sleep deprived, so I really don't see what the big deal is here. In fact, I'm quite certain you've never actually gotten a full night's worth of sleep before, have you?"

You questioned him with such certainty because you knew it was true. Five did as well, even if he didn't want to admit it.

He pinched the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and thumb, knowing he'd been beat. "That's... not the point. If you don't go to bed soon, you're not going to get enough sleep, which means you're going to be really pissy when you wake up; and I, for one, hate when that happens, so would you please just go to bed?"

The last part came out as less of a question and more of a plea, which caused you to realize that, as much as he loved staying up late with you, trash talking his family and drinking coffee as the sun came up, he valued your mental health and stability more.

Obviously, it wouldn't do anything to help his agenda in stopping the apocalypse and saving the world if you were constantly dozing off from lack of sleep; but more than that, he cared. He cared about your general wellbeing, far more than you ever did. It wouldn't do you any good in the long run if he let this behavior continue, and he knew that.

You knew that too, as much as you hated to admit it. Which is why you gave in to his requests, surprising him in the process.

"Okay, fine."

He appeared to be in shock, as it took him a couple minutes to process what you'd said and a few more to actually respond. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I said fine. It's over, Hargreeves; you win," you said, throwing your hands up in defeat. "I guess I'll just go to bed, like you wanted."

He narrowed his eyes suspiciously at you. "That's it? You're not going to protest anymore, or give me a hard time?"

"Yup."

"You're going to go to bed, just like that?"

"Just like that." You nodded your head in agreement, turning off the television while you got up and stretched. "It's just not worth it to argue about, y'know? Especially since you're right."

"Um, do you think you could repeat that?" He asked, a smirk appearing on his face. "Because it sounded to me like you just said I was right."

You groaned. "God, you're such an asshole. Yes, you were right, okay? Can I please just go to bed now?"

He shrugged his shoulders, still giving you a cocky look. "Go right ahead, I'm not stopping you."

You playfully rolled your eyes at him as you made your way into the bedroom. He followed you, watching as you got ready to go to sleep. Once you'd finished your nightly routine, you climbed into bed, slipping under the blanket.

Finally satisfied, Five turned to leave, but not before you spoke.

"Five?"

He turned back around, raising his eyebrows as he silently urged you to continue.

"Will you stay? Please?"

Letting out a soft sigh, he walked back over to the bed. "Scoot," he commanded, gesturing for you to move over.

You did, making sure he'd have plenty of room as he laid down next to you.

"Is it okay if I cuddle with you?" You softly asked, knowing how unfamiliar he was with physical intimacy and not wanting to make him uncomfortable by accident.

He didn't say anything at first, but when he patted the space beside him, you took it as an invitation to move closer.

You cuddled up beside him, wrapping your arms around his waist and pulling him close as you buried your face in his chest. "I love you," you sleepily mumbled, causing him to smile.

Once he was sure you were asleep, he responded. "I love you, too," he whispered into the dark of your room. "So much."

~

Taglist: @anxiously-sad @iloveentrapta @ghot-girl @your-next-daydream

[thegreencanary]

Evil is everywhere

Okay I absolutely LOVED the request this is based off of. Also that gif makes me cry every time.

A/N: This is my work and I don’t give anyone the permission to post it anywhere claiming to be someone else’s. I worked hard on this, if you enjoy it please interact. Requests are open.

Summary: Just because Vecna is gone doesn’t mean you’re not in danger anymore.

TW: Kidnapping, Abuse, Language, Drugs, Drinking, Torture. MINORS YOU KNOW ITS A DNI GO FIND STEVE.

A/N: if y’all can’t tell I absolutely LOVE dark themed stories, but please, please, please if the tags scare you or possibly trigger you; just move on. Mental health first babes. ❤️

Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5

It was over, Vecna was finally defeated. El lay next to you unconscious and you gently scooped her up in your arms. You had to find Billy, he took Max and Lucas to the other side of the house to fight off some terrifying zombie vampire looking creatures. Steve and the rest of the gang had set up protection check ins; after almost losing Eddie he wanted to make sure no one else got that level of wounded. Nancy was the first to find you two and she guided you back to Billy and then eventually to everyone else.

El spent a week recovering but everyone felt so much better. The whole town seemed like it had a sickness removed from it, until people started disappearing again. Dustin and the kids had been going around Hawkins figuring out how to close all the portals and they swore there was no activity coming from them. Even Hopper agreed, each missing person looked like a kidnapping over an Upside Down issue. That’s how you found yourself at home on a Saturday night, alone. Hawkins had a fucking curfew. Everything shut down after 10:00pm. No one was allowed to go out unless it was absolutely necessary and you couldn’t go out alone.

You dad worked the graveyard shift at the hospital and your mom died a few years back, so you couldn’t ever leave because you had no one to go with. Tonight you rolled your eyes at the dumb movie you picked to watch, perking up when the phone rang.

“Y/L/N residence this is Y/N speaking.”

“I think I know the sound of my own girlfriends voice.”

A dumb smile lit up your features.

“Billy! Where are you staying tonight?”

He and Max had kind of been drifters since the start of the lockdown. He knew to not be at Neil’s house when it started because being trapped with that monster would have been worse than being kidnapped.

“Harringtons again. We’re probably going to be here for a few months since his parents fucked off to some other country for a while.”

Steve lived close to you, less than 3 miles, if you jogged you could be there in 30 minutes.

“Before you say anything you’re staying your ass at home. I don’t want you getting pulled over for driving this late and if you even think about walking over here I’m gonna personally kick your ass.”

You laughed. He basically just read your mind.

“Come on Billy. I haven’t seen you in weeks…I miss you. I miss…”

You trailed off, he wasn’t one to be mushy so you didn’t want to talk about how you missed the calm you felt with him. You missed his big arms wrapped around you while you watched a movie, you missed giving him the little touches he was so deprived of. You just missed physically seeing and touching your boyfriend.

“Babe just look at a photo of me and masturbate. You’ll feel better.”

His laugh over the phone was something you wanted to commit to memory forever. While you yelled embarrassed at him he just chuckled and you could see in your mind the grin he was giving you.

“Billy I swear to God.”

You were red down to your toes. Despite his reputation as the selfish sex god of Hawkins high, you two had never actually slept together. Your relationship was slow to start, since you mainly hung out with his sister and her friends; but he actually got to know you and you got to know him. He opened up to you fully and when you didn’t judge or reject him, he promised to try and be what you deserved. Some days were better than others but he was a good boyfriend.

“Yeah yeah I know. Look I just wanted to call and let you know where I was staying for the next few days. You should get some sleep. Big day tomorrow baby.”

You had an interview at the radio station. It was just for a secretary role but it was a way to get your foot in the door.

“Thanks for remembering Billy. I’ll talk to you later okay?”

*I love you*. You wanted to say it but you two hadn’t dropped that bomb yet. You didn’t want to scare him off since you knew he was a very guarded person. He said his goodbyes and you hung up the phone. Maybe sleep was a good idea.

No matter how good the idea was, the sleep never came. You were too nervous for the interview so when 6am rolled around you got up, showered and got ready. You had about 8 hours to kill…which was great. The curfew was lifted at 9am and your interview was at 2 so you made breakfast and just counted down the moments until you could go outside.

Your dad dragged himself in at 8:45am and he passed out on the couch. You set him up with a blanket and pillow and grabbed his keys and wallet. The two of you needed more food and he trusted you not to do anything stupid, most of the time you didn’t.

Finally the curfew time was up and you were heading to the store. It was eerie lack of people that were around today, you had a weird feeling in the pit of your stomach. Pulling into the parking lot there were only 5 other cars in the lot, so you made sure to park closer to the front of the mini mart.

No one was inside except for the hung over teenagers that worked there. Quickly grabbing your items you headed back to your car, only to find the door swung wide open.

*Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. My dad is going to kill me.* he loved his car, if someone stole the radio or something out of it you’d definitely be grounded for a year. Rushing over you didn’t see anything missing, but you realized why too late. Feeling a painful blow to the back of your head, immediately you went limp. The groceries spilled all over the ground as you were tossed in a truck bed, covered and taken in broad daylight.

—-

A/N: Definitely gonna be a series. The next part will be A LOT darker. So just warning you now!! Xx ❤️

Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5