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Life Update 11/10/24

11:42am.

School is kicking my ass right now. I don't even want to talk about this program I'm in. I feel a bit distracted. I'm questioning my decision to enroll. Was it too soon for me to go back to school knowing I'm still grieving? The work, school, social life balance is kicking my ass as well. Often I'm figuring out what I should be doing versus what I want to be doing.

Haha, I wish I was recording.

The program is short I'll delve into that during a time where I feel like really delving into that - it's easier to avoid the thought of my future. Ever feel like you want to talk about everything and nothing at all?

I'll still be thinking about that dream I have.

Of being a musician. Adulting they said. It'll be easy yet complicated.

Is it easy? more so, just complicated.

So why did I enroll? Well, my job will reimburse me. Well, maybe I've been a bit bored with what I'm doing. Maybe the idea of being upper middle class sounds nice. Maybe more money will make things easier.

I cried my first few exams. My thought process was literally what the fuck did I just do.

I passed both exams. I'm just anxious naturally.

What I'm studying I won't discuss cause ugh maybe if I write it down then that leads to acceptance: the acceptance of me being an adult and making adult decisions and adults go back to school? don't they?

Accept it girl, welcome to the big leagues of:

Adulting. Writing it down makes it real? Doesn't it?

Anyway.

I met someone. In person.

I hosted a few events within the last few months. One of them being at a bar in the lower east side. Mixers for people to meet new people. Word of mouth, reddit and boom. 60+ people my first event.

Did it again and changed the date because of food poisoning and second time around it was a lot less people.

I met a guy. He walked in like a comfortable breeze.

You ever meet someone and instantly need to know that person? I felt that gravitational pull instantly. I just want to speak to that guy, I'm not sure why but I need to talk to him- my exact thoughts the moment he left.

Attractive? Yes. My type? Absolutely not. To be the most honest I've ever been, he is the furthest from what I usually go for. He's all brains, like a whole lot smarter than me. White. Hazel eyes. Dark hair. Tan skin and not at all from here.

He's from San Diego and just moved here a year ago.

Has his PHD in neuroscience.

I've always had a thing for smart guys but I never usually go for them. I'm not sure why. I guess with age comes more confidence. Why not?

Somehow I found him online and messaged him. I shot my shot and surprisingly did not get turned down.

My friend hosted an event shortly after. He showed up and we made out the entire night drunkenly.

Before we kissed he said something that really made me think.

He told me I was intimidating and compared talking to me to talking to a celebrity. Then he was all "well not a celebrity because I don't care to meet celebrities..." and staggered along to explain how I was too cool for him. He said it was something about my aura or whatever, how I operate in a room. He stumbled over the words and said something along those lines. Well, it bothered me. May be a compliment to some but not to me. It made me feel like maybe I'm single because I have to be smaller. Less than I am now.

He saw my reaction to what he said and was all "It's a compliment. Its not a bad thing." But I couldn't help but feel otherwise.

We have been texting ever since but guess what:

He's not looking for anything serious. So, here I am once again. Falling but not falling at all. He's a psych professor. He's smart as fuck. I've never been more attracted to someones mind but I've been having the feeling I may need to let him go soon.

Here we go again.

I think not. I learned my lesson the hard way last time. But our lips intertwine like sand and water.

A perfect fit.

Isn't it funny how we text every day but I haven't seen him since.

Isn't it funny how I'm one foot in and one foot out.

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The Situationship Guy Prayer

So 3 weeks ago I made a post about the situationship guy: How he came back into my life and I wasn't sure what would come of it, how of course he wanted to come over but I couldn't allow it because I knew it would hurt me.

I left out some vital information that I never want to forget and decided to write tonight: because something happened prior to us meeting that made me realize how my relationship with God never ceases to amaze me... How for a very long time I've spoken to God and have seen the signs of him listening. But today I decided I need to write this down to remember specifics. I'll share what happened:

The week before my date with situationship guy I said a very specific prayer. I spoke to God and said "God, if this man is not the one for me show me an orange car."

I spent the week walking around Brooklyn/Manhattan and not seeing anything. I started thinking well, I haven't seen the car so maybe it is meant to be. Maybe he came back into my life because it's the right time. Maybe this will become more than what it was before.

The day of the date I went into Manhattan to run some errands. I left the train station and as I walked up the street, I saw it. Driving in my direction was a bright orange car.

I was supposed to see him that night.

I knew I was meeting him later, I had my confirmation. I knew now... This guy is not the one.

Coincidence? I questioned it. Yes, I questioned God after seeing it knowing he waited until the day I was supposed to go on this date to show me an orange car.

I went on the date anyway. Situationship guy told me word for word he wasn't looking for something serious. I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I even gave him grace when he didn't care to text me often, or at all. I allowed the inconsistency knowing it was bothering me.

I found myself falling into the same routine I fell in before:

Believing in the potential even though I knew it felt wrong, things weren't the same, I saw the orange car. Something wasn't right. A lot of things were not right.

We spoke on and off, he became distant and one day I decided to text him to ask if we were good. Something along the lines of "hey are we good, haven't really heard from you its been a few weeks"

He replied within a few hours: Yeah we're good how's your day going rah rah, he was picking up where we left off... Knowing the communication just wasn't consistent. Wasn't meeting my expectations. Yet here he was acting like everything was fine.

We dated. We weren't just two people that hooked up. A situationship means we had everything except the titles that come with a relationship. We had everything except the words I love you. But I knew what he was capable of: I knew he was capable of consistency. The bare minimum. Yet, for whatever reason... he wasn't giving me that.

I stared at the text for a while. I left my job in midtown to go on my lunch break and instantly stopped in my tracks.

Parked in front of the building was an orange car.

I never responded to the text. Part of me was spooked. Like, okay God I see it. I hear you. I could feel God saying:

Well, I told you twice. Do you need to see another one?

As much as I was scared, I was also hit with a feeling of awe. God was speaking to me in a way he used to, in a way where I knew deep down lately I wasn't hearing his voice anymore. I felt like I used see him working in my life all the time, especially when I first came to my faith. As I had gotten older I became not so sure. I was living my life wondering what God was trying to tell me. I was confused, I even went back to church thinking: I used to be so much more in tune with my spirit.

This nugget made me realize that maybe God has been trying to reach me but maybe I just haven't been trying to reach him.

A gift. A nod from the highest power.

I realized to pray "If he isn't the one..." is to mean maybe deep down I wasn't sure. God not only gave me confirmation but made me realize, to receive a head nod/signal is a gift.

And I could never take that lightly.

So I never replied to the text, I never will.

And, life goes on.

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I started realizing my prayers to God weren't specific enough.

I often asked for love, something long term, companionship - not realizing that those things could be simultaneously not equivalent to a relationship, marriage, becoming a wife.

So I started changing my prayers.

God guide me to become an ideal wife, lead me to a husband, not just any man, a man ready for commitment & in time- marriage.

I could easily meet a man that's ready to be in a relationship. In years to come, would he be ready to be a husband?

Praying for love doesn't mean it would guide me to a man ready for commitment. Something long term does not mean marriage. Companionship does not always mean partnership. I started thinking about this and what exactly I want.

I don't want something long term.

I want to be married.

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