#my last year of uni was a very lonely one because of this person

[tadfools]

Just found out my ex best friend is obsessed with bg3 (which is hilarious since they kept making fun of me for loving it during early access) because one of my beloved mutuals rbed a piece of art they made and it showed up on my dash

I hope your game crashes every time you go to kiss Gale you son of a bitch

[safetypinxtales]

Lonely with you | Azriel

summary: it seems like everyone's found their mates, except you. On a sleepless night you turn to your friend, in hopes that being alone, together, will feel slightly less lonely.

words: 1.5k

warnings: fluff, feelings of loneliness, thirsting over our boy az and his thighs, kind of just a drawn out drabble, some angst, generally just softness, Azriel with a book needs a warning in and of itself, very slight jealousy, neutrally described reader/no reader description, no use of y/n, PINING

notes: haven't written in years, and never befor for Azriel, or anyone from acotar, so bare with me. Not sure what I think of this, nor what the future might hold, but I had some time off uni and this idea that I just couldn't seem to get out of my head. Hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

part 2

You knew what picture was waiting for you in the living room of the House before you even rounded that corner. The distinct sound of pages turning, the hint of whiskey in the air, and him. 

That scent that was just so distinctly Azriel it almost made you forget that echoing emptiness in your chest. 

The sight that greeted you as you entered the room belonged in a museum, or at the very least at the front of some Day Court scribe’s lecture hall, being studied by the brightest minds in Prythian. You wanted to commission Feyre to paint it from your memories so it could be immortalized, even if just for your eyes. Because by the Gods, it was mesmerizing. 

Azriel sat – no, sprawled across one of the couches, those thick, muscled, sweatpant-clad thighs so deliciously, invitingly, teasingly spread apart. The book in his hand was not one you recognized, but then his taste in literature was slightly more… sophisticated than yours. But that just made it all so much more enticing didn’t it? The thought of this gorgeously dark, winged male consuming deep, meaningful art? It would make any sane person fall to their knees. 

The hazel of his eyes didn’t show any sign of surprise as his gaze met yours. He knew you were coming, most likely courtesy of the shadows leisurely curling around his shoulders. Cauldron, was he a sight…

… And your friend. Unfortunately.

“Are you just going to stand there all night or will you eventually move?” Right, right. How long had your feet been rooted to the floor? Judging by the humorous tone of his voice and that boyish sparkle in his eyes, probably a tad too long. 

Forcing your body to take a step, and another, you tried to think of something – anything to say. 

“Sorry, I–... I just didn’t expect you to be here is all,” liar, “I guess you caught me by surprise”. It wasn’t the best excuse in the world, but with the situation at hand it could have been a lot worse. Like, a lot. Besides, it’s not like you could have told him the truth.

Sorry Azriel, it’s just that I have been desperately yearning for you for the last couple of years and seeing you like this, looking all boyfriend-y, has me nearly swallowing my own tongue because of how perfect you look. I am just humiliatingly obsessed with every single little thing you do, as well as horrifyingly lonely to a default. In a non creepy way, of course. 

… You would rather free-dive off the dining room balcony before ever admitting that to him. 

His brows furrowed as he observed you, like he could see the lie written across your face, before humming lightly, almost as to himself. He reached a hand out to the glass resting on the coffee table and brought it to his lips, taking a sip of the amber liquid inside. Your eyes were trained on his mouth as he lowered the glass. Trained on the candlelight reflected in the alcohol wetting his lips. Those shiny, pouty, full–

His tongue slipped out and delicately swiped across his lower lip, licking off the remnants of the whiskey from the glass in his hand, and it took everything in you to not whimper at the sight. 

Cauldron boil you.

Needing something to ground yourself, you made your way over to pour yourself a glass of whatever Azriel was drinking and collapsed beside him on the couch, trying to roll that stubborn stiffness out of your shoulders.

”Can’t sleep either?” He asked you on a slight chuckle. 

“No, not with them going at it like bunnies,” you sighed, “how is it even possible for Cassian to… you know? I mean, not only is it day after day, but all night, non-stop? You need– I mean not you specifically, I don’t know anything about your sexual habits, just– just males in general,” oh Gods, “you– you need to rest, at some point – right?”

Azriel took in your flustered state, and pursed his lips as if to keep from laughing. His amusement did not help your case at all, only making the heat crawl further up your neck, your ears positively aflame. 

“I guess the mating bond has its perks,” he surmised, and you couldn’t escape the huff that exited your nose. 

That damned mating bond. The very one the Mother seemed to be handing out left to right lately, to everyone except you. And Azriel. But unlike you, he was a damn catch and could have anyone he’d like. 

“Am I an absolute wench for being jealous of Nesta? And Elain? And Feyre?” You whined as you threw your head back on the couch.

“Not at all,” Azriel’s raspy voice comforted you, easing the tightness in your stomach. You still felt like one though; Nesta was your best friend and you were happy for her, but still–

“It’s just so unfair! They were born like, yesterday! I have been suffering through a mostly miserable existence for over five centuries now and I have never even come close to a connection like they have,” you rolled your neck, “I am over the moon for them, don’t get me wrong, and I hate to make their happiness about me–“

“But being alone around people who… aren’t, can be very lonely,” Azriel finished and your heart clenched as you looked at him. Beautiful, kind, caring Azriel. One of your best friends, and the male you were hopelessly, devastatingly in love with. 

Knowing he, too, was hurting was painful in itself, but also slightly comforting. Knowing you weren’t alone in your loneliness. 

“You’re in pain,” he mumbled, and you opened your mouth to answer, but you couldn’t. Because it wasn’t really a question was it? “Your shoulders,” he noted, “they’re tense.”

“Oh, it’s fine, really. Nothing to worry about, just a small kink,” you tried to brush it off, but he looked at you with such intensity it made your whole body tingle.

“No it’s not,” it was like he could see right through you, “No, you have been worrying your neck ever since you sat down.” He pondered a moment before he sat up a little straighter beckoning for you to move closer. “Come on, let me help you with that.”

Your mouth fell open. 

Was he insinuating he wanted to rub your back? Your half naked, barely-nightgown-clad back. With his hands. Those magical, beautiful hands. Oh Gods.

Your attempt of a protest died in your throat at the slight raise of his eyebrows. He was not to argue with.

He marked the page he was on and placed his book down on the table in front of you, his eyes not straying from you once. Like he was afraid you would bolt if he looked away, even just for a second. 

In his defense, you very well might have.

A shaky breath released from your lungs as you put your glass down and readjusted your position on the couch until you were situated between his legs. With your back facing him, you carefully pulled your hair over one shoulder to give him better access, trying to block out the thoughts of how incredibly warm those bite-able thighs of his were.

The warm calluses of his hands on your skin set you ablaze, and as he carefully started to massage out the knots in your upper back you swore you could have melted, then and there. 

You couldn’t help leaning in to his skillful touch. You also couldn’t help the breathy groan that escaped you as he started to work on a particularly tense area. 

Or how your heart rate picked up as you heard what you swore was Azriel’s breath hitching in response. 

You basked in the intimacy of the moment, fully enjoying all of his undivided attention. 

The gesture, the moment, it all felt so domestic and comforting that the constant emptiness in your chest started to close over. Even if just for now. Even if it was all borrowed; a lovely, elusive fantasy – you let yourself feel whole. 

You barely registered his hands slowing to a stop, or the new found looseness in your shoulders. Barely registered as his hands slid down your arms and slowly tugged you back towards his chest. 

Not until you were engulfed in his warmth, his arms wrapped around you did you realize how well you fit together.

Like two pieces of a puzzle.

“Be lonely with me tonight,” his breath tickled your ear, “please.”

You knew it probably wasn’t wise. That tomorrow, when all of this would be gone, the hurt would resurface. The loneliness even heavier than before. But you couldn’t get yourself to care. To tell him no. Tell yourself no.

Instead you burrowed deeper in his embrace, closed your eyes, and even if just for tonight, you let his warmth fill the void in your chest. 

Until that void had been replaced by a vibrating, golden, glow.

[ateez-himari]

Hi bb!!!!! How are you doing? I hope you're not overly exhausted from work and uni, you deserve to rest💓💓🙏

As usual I had some questionssss and I desperately needed to send you them 🤭

1.has mimi ever produced for any of the bts members, and has she ever collabed with them? Cause I've recently been obsessing over heart on the window-jin ft.Wendy🌸🌸 and I was wondering if she's ever collabed with him or the others

2.have fans ever shipped mimi with another member before her and mingi went public, cause ik for sure it would be san😪

3.can hima produce/write a song in a short time? Cause I remember one time it was revealed that yoongi wrote tomorrow in the hospital in like less than 50 minutes😌

4.according to kprofiles, what rank is hima in, in terms of being the bias of atiny

5.is there a person that hima opened up to, or revealed a secret to and later on regreted doing so?

6.take this cause you've been driving me crazy, and It might help with the Coachella drabble🫣🫣

love you bb mwah🤭💓💓

Hi sweet!! I've been very tired lately but I just had my last lecture, which means that now I only have to focus on studying for exams so overall I'm okay! 🩷 Unfortunately they have me working longer hours now because of the holidays but hey it just means more money for ATEEZ photocards 😉 I'm resting whenever I can (mainly when I update this blog) so I'm alright!

• Hima produced 'Golden' for Jungkook, 'Layover' for Taehyung, 'Set me Free Pt. 2 & Face Off - Face' for Jimin, 'Lonely, Wildflower & Still Life - Indigo' for/with RM, 'Hope On The Street Vol. 1' with J-Hope, 'Another level - Happy' for Jin and released the single 'Pray' with Agust D

She collaborated with J-Hope and Jungkook on 'i wonder...', Taehyung on 'Rainy Days' and Jimin on 'Alone' (though the remaining members plan on having at least one song with her). Side Info; Her name isn't in the album credits aside from the title tracks by her own choice so these songs didn't transfer to her KOMCA account

• She's actually had quite a few popular ships during her career; Jungkook, Taehyung (yeah...idk they just had to breathe next to each other), Mingyu (although they were on to something 🤭), Wonwoo (they were seen around together a lot), Hyunjin and San (people are surprisingly still questioning it)

• This creative girl most definitely can, these are the 3 she's written the fastest (that includes producing the demo); Slow Dancing (V) - 1:13H, Silver Light (ATEEZ) - 55Mins, Heaven (Taemin) - 51Mins

• She used to be dead last for a few years but now that she's become more confident with her on-stage and off-stage self, she's moved up to 6th!

• When KQ transferred her to Jongho's high school she made quite a few non-trainee friends and got comfortable enough to show her scars (even in summer she would hide them with a sweater), but surely enough exaggerated rumors started circulating rather quickly. Nowadays she has very few non-idol friends (she was a lonely child so she already didn't have many friends and non really transferred over to adult life)

• Oh...I see...so Mr. Song Mingi thinks we're sane...BECAUSE I'M NOT (also his newest Instagram post...STOOOOP, CUT IT OUT, ENOUGH)

I always love receiving your questions idhwnfkrf, love you Mina!!! MWAHH 😘🩷

[bananaactivity]

i saw benjay could you perhaps elaborate please i want to know more of your thoughts on them

(also what are your thoughts on poly ships)

FIC INCOMING: Rebound relationship with actual feelings attached ( it’s still unhealthy though)

For poly ships I’d say that I don’t know much on the inner workings of them. I support it tho, irl and in fandom.

As for Ben and Jay it’s not something the actual series has any hints to. So all my thoughts rely on the circumstances of my AU.

(The characters attend college and Auradon is like a gated community opposed to the isle of the lost being a prison island ig.)

Mal and Evie are endgame in my AU however before they get there Ben and Mal have something going on. It goes up until the second movie where they break up, and this time they stay broken up and during the Evie/Mal lovers ballad they actually get together and they also still save Ben and return to Auradon.

Technically that means that Evie cheated on Doug but Doug and Chad deal with that together for a min. As for Ben he’s really distraught and lonely. And Jay has pent up emotions from his beef with his arch rival. So here’s the small excerpt for that:

A couple of weeks post the battle with the Sea VKs Ben was still holed up in his personal dorm suite. It was a bit strained those first days since they got back. He was the future king and all, it was because of him that the four of them could attend Auradon Uni at all. But he just…disappeared. He didn’t come to class or lunch or see anyone at all. A shame he was choosing to hide his face, if Jay was a hot prince who had it all he’d show his face every day. But he wasn’t worried they’d be kicked out. Ben was too sweet. His friends couldn’t see that though.

“ Someone has to check in the poor dear. It’s very well likely he could snap and send us off campus! I’ve spent a year’s time on my studies! I’m not throwing all that time spent away over a failed relationship, do you know how many designs I could have come up with in all that time!” Carlos was flippant as usual. One moment he had concerns over Ben’s wellbeing the next he was screaming about his clothes. “Carly don’t bug out, Ben wouldnt do that I’ve known him forever!” Chad, Carlos’ new little puppy dog. He played with his rats Patch and Rajah letting them crawl on Carlos. They were the best of friends after rooming together that first year. They’d had such fun together they requested to room again this year. Jay couldn’t be too mad at that, he was a good friend to Carlos and he had a good point.

Evie was antsy. “ Maybe Chad has a point guys, Mal and Him weren’t dating before he let us attend ADU?” Mal squeezed her hand, they had been extra lovey dovey now that they were together. Jay would never tell them this but it made him jealous, his long standing romantic interest had just been confirmed to be an impossibility when they left The Isle. “ Guys why is this even a conversation? Not only is prince Pretty boy too nice to kick us out he’s also too smart. As much as you don’t want to admit it, letting us attend ADU was a political move. He’s showing his future people that he’s gonna foster change when he’s in office. He won’t take that back and I’m sure he’ll be fine. Though why you’d stop snogging a face like Ben’s I don’t get. He looks like a good kisser.” Jay joked

He then sighed feeling he had quelled the situation. That didn’t last long before Mal spoke. “ Jay you go check on him.” “ What!” Great. “Yes Jay. You were the closest with him after me, weren’t you? I doubt he wants to see his ex or his exs girlfriend.” Jays mouth was agape. He appreciated Ben but Jay could hardly call himself a reassuring person. “ What about Carlos?!” Carlos sneered at them and got up in a huff knocking down Rajah the rat who plopped into Chads lap with a squeak“I wouldn’t have come over here to eat with you peasants if you were going to outsource me for your dirty work! Let’s go get dinner Chad! I’m feeling Italian cuisine.” Jay watched him walk off with a willing Chad trailing after him, rats in tow.

Mal looked back at him with big eyes. “Please Jay I just want you to check. I don’t want to be the reason we lose our futures here. We have a chance to be something other than…” She trailed off. “Fine. Mal. I’ll check on him but I’m telling you he won’t kick us out.” “ Thank you Jay.” Jay got up and left, before he had to endure his friend’s being all mushy and happy.

“ Benjamin Florian Beast open the fuck up.” Jay was banging on his friend’s Blackwood door. Sometimes the villain in Jay dreamed of stealing the door right off its hinges and selling it on the Isle. But Ben had become his best friend, Carlos and Chad had been so close that Jay felt a little shafted. Evie and Mal had already been distant when they dated their previous partners and now that they were with each other it was no different. Ben was his closest up until now. The door creaked open. And Ben peeked out. Surveying him he looked tired and yet irritatingly pretty. Jay couldn’t believe it, he’d showered at least but the tears and bed head were very apparent as well as the dark sleepy eyes. “Jay?” His voice was a little cracked and his eyes began watering. “Oh. Uhh hey man, I’m just here to check on you.” Ben’s eyes watered more and his lips trembled. “ Uhh Ben….” Jay stretched his arms out to the prince. At the slightest reach for him Ben flailed into his arms and sobbed. “ Oh my god Ben ,really?” Ben wasn’t a stick he had some weight to him but it was nothing Jay couldn’t handle and held him tight and hosted him up to carry him back into the room. Closing the door behind them for some privacy.

Jay attempted to let him down but Ben held on tighter and refused to let go, sobbing into his arms and mumbling incoherently. Jay sighed and and rubbed his back as he got more and more wet. After a bit the mumbling stoped yet still with many tears and heavy breath Ben started talking coherently “ Do you think I was really in love Jay Jay?” He sighed, it was nice to hear his nickname again… it made him feel special. “ I dunno maybe?” He had said he wasn’t good at reassuring people. “Really Jay. I’m asking you for real.” Ben moved his head back to look at Jays face, he still refused to let go of him it was much more intimate than what was normal. Jays heart beat harder and he felt awkward all of a sudden.

“ I don’t know Ben… Benji. I can’t tell you how you felt. But I can tell you that a lot of us are worried about you being holed by yourself up in here. It’s not good for you to be in a small space on your own like this for so long. Especially after the Isle.” This wasn’t entirely true. The others were scared of some retroactive revenge, Jay thought he’d be okay up until he became a water collector. And it was an even bigger lie that Ben was trapped in a small space. His prince dorm was very large with a huge bed a special shower room and large foyer with a mini kitchen and high ceilings with large windows. Spoiled pretty boy. “ I won’t be alone if you stay with me.” Jay stiffened and looked back down to the tearful man still clinging to him.

His hazel eyes refused to move from Jays and Jay was sure if he made any attempt to move from his grasp Ben would rather strangle him than let him leave. “ Okay Benji, I’ll stay. We can talk.” Ben sighed and sunk his head back into Jays chest still refusing to let go. “Thank you.” Eventually Jay managed to move them to the huge ass bed, his legs were getting tired and yet Ben still wouldn’t let him go. After sitting in tearful silence with his head rested on Jays shoulder Ben started talking again. “ I… I don’t want to be alone.” Jay laid his hand on Ben’s arm. “ Ben we’re in our twenties we have all the time in the world.” Exasperated Ben pushed his head up, still refusing to let go he glared up at Jay.

“Easy for you to say you meat head. I’m a gonna be king, people are going to be all over me in the media asking about my royal spouse!” He was cute when he was fussing about something silly, he’d always do that during game practice. “ So what dumbass aren’t you the prince? Just execute them!” Jay scoffed. He really wasn’t a very helpful, they should’ve sent Evie. “ No you goof!” Ben twisted onto his knees on the bed and completely turned to face Jay. “ That’s not who I wanna be! They all believed that Mal would be my queen and now I’m alone and I don’t know who I could possibly… I don’t want to be alone!”

Ben pushed into Jays arm and was getting teary eyed again. “ I thought… I don’t know why I tried to marry her… it’s only been a year? Audrey was awful and I saw a way out… but I still really appreciated Mal. No I… I…” The tears were flowing again. “ I miss Tourney. I wish I was Captain again, but I spent all that time with Mal. I always felt guilty when I was with her. “ He was rambling now and Jay wasn’t sure what to do. Ben was practically pinning him to the bed. “ Jay I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to be a bad ruler.” Jay wasn’t sure what to do but look stupidly at the pretty prince bawling his eyes out all over him again.” I don’t know anymore, I just want to go back to playing Tourney with the guys. I miss Tourney and I miss you.” That last part hit Jay like a truck.

The tearful hazel eyes were boring into his with so much intensity Jay was staring to falter. “Ben don’t cr-“ And then most startling event of that night. Ben smashed lips onto Jays. It was sudden and shocking to Jay but he leaned into it. Ben moved his hands up Jays arms to his shoulders and around his neck. Bold ass prince. Jay reciprocated and bent his hands to Ben’s waist as they deepened the kiss. Ben tasted like a salty ocean and his lips were soft and just as talented as Jay figured they were. The kiss hadn’t yet fuzzed his brain fully and he pulled away. “ Are you okay Ben? This is. I don’t wan-.” He drifted off as he looked at Ben. His face was still wet but his skin was flushed pink. His eyes though, were heavy lidded and he was breathing heavily before he spoke. His eyelashes were sparkling with tears and his eyes were red from crying. He was still so pretty, Jay was sure he wasn’t that pretty when he cried.“ You don’t mind this do you.” Ben moved his hands down Jays shoulders to his arms that were still holding on tightly to Ben’s waist. It was a complete 180 and Jay was confused and sure that he was just as flush as his friends. “ I… yea… No. But you were just crying, I don’t know if you need this.” Ben kissed him again slowly and moved his lips to Jays cheek. His heart was faltering and he couldn’t exactly remember what he was meant to be doing. “ I do need this- if you’re okay with that.” Jay was nearly mush, this was sudden… but he understood where Ben was coming from. Jay had only just in the past month realized that his feelings for his nemeses was t just hate. But it was too late, and here was his close friend just like him, lonely, and gorgeous, coming on to him harder then anyone had before. Was it too soon, and what was right and wrong, was fading out of his mind.

It was gone from Ben’s mind too the moment he made the choice to kiss his friend. They’d deal with whatever consequences after they regained sensible thought. For now though this was good. Jay moved Ben’s face from his cheek and pressed his. Lips back onto his. He was completely pinned by Ben on his soft huge ass bed. Ben’s hands moved back to the top of Jays shoulders and in turn Jay moved back to his waist. He felt a tongue testing the waters at the edge of his lip and he let it in immediately. Savoring the taste and melting further into the kiss. Exactly how far was too far wasn’t really on their minds. How they let it get this far that weren’t concerned about. Running from what was truly ailing them, they sunk further into the other’s lips and let sensations override their systems. They both indulged into the fuzziness that blurred rational thought and consciousness and continued on.

Waking up the next morning Ben was straddled atop Jay, who was expecting some sort of talk on how it couldn’t happen again. Ben woke up and looked staight into warm brown eyes surveying him. Jay poised himself to speak but Ben kissed him before he could get anything out. Sliding down Jays cheek as he spoke “ I had a nice time last night, it really cleared things up for me… if you’re okay with it… we could do it again?” Jay considered this. His friends had asked him to check and make sure they wouldn’t all be thrown out of Uni. If this was the way to ensure their sense of safety… he couldn’t say he didn’t like the feeling. It was so intense he almost couldn’t trace the pain of Harry that lingered in his mind. Why couldn’t he finally have someone to himself like his friends. He could. He leaned into another long kiss. Ben sighed in relief and returned the kiss before Jay pulled away to give a proper answer- “I could get used to this.”

Yeah that’s like, the inciting incident for a whirlwind of a relationship. If you think it happened so fast… yeah that’s how it felt for them too bro. There’s missing elements from unreleased outlines I have, up until now there’s tension and flirty elements to the way they would talk and hang out before this happens. That’s why Ben says he misses Jay. And Jay figures out that his hatred of Harry was actually an intense crush ,but Uma and Harry had their own thing happening leading up until the seaside battle for Ben. So they’re both having intense revaluations and Ben decided to push out those feelings by coming onto Jay who he already had a small bro crush thing with. So it’s a little unhealthy but they think they need it. Will they work through it?? Who knows. Well I know but I’m not saying after that long ass post.

[iliterallyjustlivehere]

i dunno if i ever posted this here but... this is a fic i started because i was projecting and about halfway through i realized i only wanted to write the parts where Nick actually gets sick so i completely lost motivation for the rest of the story.....

so here is Galaxy/Bear Witness/Delicate as it is titled in my google doc. i published on ao3 under delicate but galaxy is pretty cute given the circumstances tbh

Nick Nelson never got sick. Ever. He joked about being a great teacher because he never picked up whatever bug his students were carrying. Charlie on the other hand had a shit immune system and ended up with some sort of cold or illness once or twice a month. It was never very bad though, and Charlie had a great system when it came to being sick. He had a plan and he could carry out that plan effectively, because he had had practice. 

Nick did not have practice. 

The last time Nick was actually sick, like, can’t get out of bed or else he’ll pass out type sick, was four years ago during his third week in Uni. Typical freshers flu type beat. That was the only time in his years at Uni he wished he had a roommate. He knew how lucky he was to have his own room, even if it was tiny, but that week he would’ve given anything to just have another person be there. Not even to take care of him, Nick hated being taken care of, but just to bear witness to his illness. Most of his friends from home were genuinely shocked to hear he was unwell. 

Nick had felt so alone. He was still brand new to this world, he didn’t even know his way around campus and here he was, lying on the floor of the bathroom praying to every God he knew of to let him feel better. 

In reality, it was a 24 hour bug, but it felt like eons. He still missed more classes even when it was over because he was terrified of getting sick in class or passing his illness to anyone else. He stayed in bed a week before venturing back out into the real world. 

When he did go back to class, everyone had formed groups and made friends. Everyone had a clique, and Nick wasn’t a part of any of them. Because of his sickness he had effectively missed the most important part of Uni: Making friends. 

He wasn’t completely alone, he hung out with people casually and had gone to eat with other people in his program, but he didn’t feel connected to any of them. He missed his friends. He missed Tara and Darcy and Tao and Elle and everyone else. When he left for Uni he had just gotten truly comfortable around them. They were Charlie’s friends first, it felt, so he didn’t know whether they would even stay in touch when he left for Uni. 

They did. They sent him sweet messages, and told him how much they missed him. Their group chat overflowed with memes and 3AM conversations about who knows what. They were his nightlight when everything else was dark. 

This didn’t mean Nick didn’t feel lonely. He actually felt more alone than he ever had. He couldn’t help but feel he had messed up big time by leaving his friends, by leaving Charlie. His heart ached for them. 

The first semester was rough, but he survived. And at the end of it, he had a little friend group of his own. They weren’t nearly as special as the Paris gang, but they were people he could be around. Nick had learned a valuable lesson in making new friends; he had unintentionally isolated himself from everyone other than Charlie and his friends and because of this, Nick had no idea what to do. Realizing that he couldn’t go through school alone, he managed to pick himself up and introduce himself to people. Humans are pack animals. They cannot survive alone, however much they want too. 

It all ended up good. Nick still kept in contact with some of his Uni friends, they would occasionally get dinner and reminisce on the “good old days” like they were elderly and not one year out of school. 

Still, though it turned out well in the end, Nick carried those feelings of isolation with him. Nowadays, he would panic for a moment whenever he didn’t feel well. Any sign of being sick sent him spiraling because in his mind he equated being ill with being completely and utterly alone. And too much of that feeling, obviously, led to him feeling worse. 

Address. Acknowledge. Breathe. These are tactics he used whenever he got so tangled he couldn’t breathe. All things Charlie had taught him when Nick had opened up about his anxieties. First, address and assess the problem. Figure out the cause. Then, acknowledge it, tell it you know it’s there. Finally, breathe it out. You have to pay attention to something in order for it to do what you want. Charlie had said it was kind of like agreeing what your head was telling you, but choosing to think differently. It was all about rerouting the wires in your brain, making sure none of them are rusty or tangled. 

Everyone’s brains were tangled. Some just more so. Charlie had also said the easiest way to untangle your brain was to bring all the junk to the light. Unfortunately, Nick was an excellent bottler. He would do the classic holding it all in until he exploded over everything and everyone. Nick could look absolutely fine but internally be on fire. Nick was frequently on fire, therefore giving him years of experience of yelling at himself to calm the fuck down. 

And that’s just what he did when he woke up with a headache. He yelled at himself, then went about his day as if nothing were amiss. And now it was three hours later, and Nick was sitting in his classroom trying to calm down. It had just been a headache but now evolved into a dark lump in his throat and a churning stomach. 

He was lucky that he didn’t have any kids today - There were scheduled “teacher work days” spread throughout the year. He couldn’t bear to think about dealing with 15 first graders on top of the pain in his head. 

Groaning, he rested his head on his desk. He knew he should probably just go home, he obviously wasn’t getting any work done, but he needed this work day. People who aren’t teachers can’t even begin to comprehend how much work it takes to be one. And Nick loved it. He loved his kids, in fact, probably too much. Their schedule was always wonky because Nick insisted on giving kids individual help along with revamping programs constantly to better benefit the children. 

Plus, it wasn’t like he was actually sick. 

Right?

On the tail end of a chill, he felt the heaviness that comes from nausea. Nope. He couldn’t deal with this. Nick was stronger than this. He was fine. He was excellent at faking it til you make it. He wouldn’t admit to anyone when he wasn’t feeling well until the last possible second. Charlie was the only person who could always tell how Nick was feeling. Oftentimes, Charlie knew how Nick was feeling even before Nick realized it. 

Charlie. Nick couldn’t stop shivering. He wished Charlie was here. God, he missed him so much he wanted to cry. His face grew warm and his vision blurred. Charlie would know what to do. He would make them cups of tea and let Nick rest his aching head against his chest. Nick longed for the soft and steady beat of Charlie’s heart. 

The fluorescent lights were shooting daggers into his brain.  He stupidly looked up straight into the light which caused his brimming eyes to finally overflow. Putting down his pen, he gripped his head and tried to stop the tears. He couldn’t believe he was crying over something so stupid. He had seen Charlie that morning and would see him again when he went home. Glancing at the clock, Nick realized it was only 11:30. It had been three hours since he last saw Charlie, but it felt like eons. 

Finishing the English assignment felt like the end of the world. How could he do anything? He may as well quit now. The kids didn’t exist in his brain anymore. Everything had swirled together and he couldn’t stop the tears. 

Another wave of nausea rolled through him. He could feel it in his fingertips, a heavy feeling that couldn’t be breathed away. Eventually the heaviness settled in his throat and behind his eyes. How long had he been crying? His face was numb. Nick was falling through a tornado, spinning round and round. 

He jerked the arm that was holding up his head and barely caught himself before slamming his face onto the desk. It was time to go home. He was fine, not sick at all, he just needed to leave. He couldn’t focus here. It would be better at home. WIth Charlie. 

Just a moment longer though, he reasoned. Just until he could see straight. Placing his forehead on his desk, he looped his arms over his neck, under the pieces of hair that touched his neck. His senses were already overwhelmed from the migraine, if he had to feel the hair on the back of his neck, he may actually combust. His hands were ice cold, but his body felt like it was on fire. 

Not sick, not sick, not sick, not sick. He repeated it over and over again, hoping that, by putting all his energy and focus onto the fact that he was not sick, it would come true. 

This was quickly followed by a surplus of spit suddenly filling his mouth. He didn’t even try to keep it in, instead opening his mouth just enough to let it all spill out. Sour spit soaked his notebook, but he didn’t care. He watched as the spit caused the ink to run, turning it into a globby blue mess. Stupid fountain pen. Watching the ink run and the spit puddle grow was mesmerizing. Different hues of blue swirled and mixed. He noticed that the longer the spit sat there, the more shades were revealed. It looked a bit like a galaxy. 

He didn’t even realize what was about to happen until he was actively in the midst of it. The spit had been getting more and more cloudy which added depth to his galaxy. He had focused so much on the page that when his stomach hitched he didn’t react. Five seconds later and his galaxy disappeared underneath a puddle of his breakfast. It took him another few seconds to shake the daze and realize there was more coming. He jerked back and fell out of his chair in an attempt to grab the trash bin he kept at the side of his desk. The falling wasn’t ideal, but at least it got him where he needed to go fast enough to catch the next wave. 

The next 15 minutes were terrible, to say the least. At least his brain had shut off, so all he had to do was hold the bucket and try to breathe in between gags. 

The exertion made the pain in his head worse. Needing to be somewhere darker, away from the fluorescents, Nick fully climbed underneath his desk. It wasn’t much darker under there, but at least the lights weren’t assaulting him. There was a moment of surprise when he realized he could fit under his desk; He wasn’t a small human, that was for sure, and the ability to crawl into small spaces was never something he harbored. Still, he had somehow managed to curl up tight enough to fit. 

Being away from the light helped his head, but his stomach still roiled. Nick had his knees pulled up to his chest with the bin next to him. It wasn’t the best configuration, but it would do for now until… Until what? What was he going to do? His chest heaved and dark spots danced across his vision. What was he going to do? He was stuck. Stuck in the school, stuck in his classroom, stuck underneath his goddamn desk. The thought of leaving his hiding spot made his heart beat faster, so all he could do was sit there in his misery. 

Assess. Acknowledge. Breathe. He managed the first two steps, but as he was trying to steady his breath, another wave of nausea knocked him out flat. Barely having enough time to turn his head, Nick choked out a bit more of his breakfast, then gagged fruitlessly for a few minutes. He didn’t feel much better, but it was obvious nothing more was coming up, so he leaned back up against the desk and tried step three again. His heart was beating much too fast and he nearly blacked out as he shuttered through the first breath. Four more slow breaths and he no longer felt like he would pass out. One thing off his list of ailments. Two to go. 

He hadn’t even begun thinking about what to do next when his phone started ringing. The vibration matched the thumping in his head and he cursed himself for choosing a musical theatre song as a ringtone. As Kristen Chenoweth and Idina Menzel belted out the chorus of “For Good” he reached one arm up to feel around on the desk. Being exposed to the light felt like the worst possible thing to happen right now, so he could only grope around and pray it was in reach. 

The first small miracle of the day was he found the phone at the edge of the desk. He didn’t even look to see who was calling before he answered. 

“Hello, my love!” Oh my god. It was Charlie. All of his muscles started to relax, one by one at the sound of Charlie’s voice. “... what do you think about pizza for dinner?” At the mention of food, the nausea came creeping back in. Nick groaned and covered his mouth with his free hand. He didn’t want Charlie to hear how ill he was, but it was too late, Charlie had heard. 

“So I’m guessing that’s a no on pizza? You could’ve just said so, no need to huff,” Charlie joked. Nick managed to smile at that, though it quickly turned to a grimace as his stomach wreaked havoc within him. 

Charlie then seemed to realize Nick hadn’t spoken a word on their call. 

“Nick? Hello?” Nick’s eyes began to fill with tears again. All he wanted was Charlie. 

“Is something the matter?” Charlie asked. Nick nodded before realizing Charlie couldn’t see him. He could hear his boyfriend's breath over the phone and the tears spilled over. 

“Yes,” he gasped. His stomach heaved again and it took everything in him not to throw up all over his phone. 

“Okay. Okay, can you tell me what’s wrong?” Charlie’s voice had changed to the one he used when Nick wasn’t feeling well. This made him cry harder. He was so sick he thought he might die. He was going to die. Oh, god. His stomach flipped again and this time a spray of stomach bile came up, burning the back of his throat. This round hurt so much more than the first few. This time there was hardly anything left in his stomach and what little he was able to expel felt like acid burning through his body. 

In all the mess, he’d completely forgotten about his phone call. His heart constricted again, Charlie definitely hated him now. He couldn’t do anything for himself, he was completely useless. When he found his phone wedged between his legs, the call had ended. Charlie was gone. That was the final straw. A shock rocked his body, as if he had stuck a fork in the toaster. His head hurt more than it ever had and all he wanted was for it to just stop. 

Just stop. 

Just stop. 

Please. 

He summoned all his strength and slammed his head back against the desk, effectively knocking himself out. 

Charlie had been sitting at his desk when he called Nick. He’d been lonely that day. There was no deadline for him to fill, no work that needed to be done, no chores that hadn’t already been completed other than the dishes, but that was Nick’s job, thank you very much. And what does Charlie do when he’s lonely? He calls Nick, of course. 

Their original dinner plan had been these fancy omelets Nick had seen on tiktok, but, as Charlie found out this morning, the eggs had gone bad. For once Charlie’s anxiety over spoiled food had come in handy. He always tested eggs to make sure they were still good by putting them in a container of water and seeing if any floated. Much to his delight, they all floated. He had been very proud of himself for catching it before they ate any. 

The phone rang exactly six times before Nick picked up. That’s odd, thought Charlie, normally he picks up the phone after three. 

“Hello, my love!” Even just knowing Nick was on the other side of the line made Charlie feel a bit less lonely. “I was just calling to ask about dinner. I know our plan was eggs, but they’ve gone bad.” Charlie paused for a second to see if Nick would say anything. When he didn’t, the loneliness came back in full swing. Nick was angry that the eggs had gone bad. Charlie should’ve been more careful. “What do you think about pizza?” There was a moment of silence, then some scuffling over the phone. What was Nick even doing? Was he that angry at Charlie for letting the eggs go bad? 

Then, he heard what sounded like a groan from over the phone. Charlie’s heart dropped. Nick really was angry. It was unusual though. Normally Nick would communicate better, but he hadn’t said a word the whole phone call. 

“So I’m guessing that’s a no on pizza? You could’ve just said so, no need to huff,” Charlie tried to joke, but his voice was strained and he could feel tears building up behind his eyes. This was so unlike Nick, and normally Charlie would be able to tell that Nick wasn’t feeling well, but he had been feeling emotionally unmoored all day, so the lack of response had his head reeling. 

Still, nothing could be heard over the phone except Nick’s breathing. It sounded ragged, like he’d run a mile in the sun and hadn’t yet had something to drink. 

“Nick? Hello?” Charlie could feel his heart twisting with anxiety. 

A sniffle could be heard over the phone. Charlie was taken aback. Why was Nick crying? Was he that upset? 

Nick whimpered and Charlie’s anxious heart took a step back. This wasn’t like Nick. Something was wrong. 

“Is something the matter?” he asked. 

There was silence over the phone and then: “Yes,” Nick gasped. His voice was tight and his breaths were labored. Charlie’s heart was hammering, his own breath, sharp. 

“Okay.” Charlie took a deep breath. “Okay, can you tell me what’s wrong?” 

He heard what sounded like a cough that turned wet midway through and there was a clunk that indicated that the phone had been dropped. 

“Nick? Oh my god, Nick, what’s wrong?” Charlie was standing now, pacing from the bathroom door to his desk under the window. Daisy joined him, following a step behind. 

More coughing could be heard. It almost sounded like he was gagging. And then the phone cut off. Nick had hung up. 

Charlie abruptly stopped his anxious pacing, causing Daisy to run into the back of his knees. He barely felt it though, all he could focus on was getting to Nick. Nick needed him. Nick was hurt or in trouble or something, something was wrong and Charlie couldn’t breathe, couldn’t feel his hands, couldn't open his eyes. 

Having been rudely interrupted in her own pacing, Daisy nudged him from behind, which brought him back down to earth. 

He needed to get himself under control. 

This was not about him. 

He would be no help to Nick if he continued like this. 

Assess. Acknowledge. Breathe. Something Geoff had taught him years ago. It had been a lifesaver on many occasions, for both him and Nick. 

First, assess: he was anxious about Nick. The unknown factors were crushing. Next, acknowledge: Nick seemed to be unwell. This was a normal thing to be worried about. This anxiety was true. Then, the most crucial step, breathe: he counted his breaths. Breathe in 2, 3, 4, hold. And breathe out 2, 3 ,4 ,5, 6, 7, 8. Repeat the breathing as long as needed, while keeping an open mind. He repeated this three times, before the earthquake in his chest calmed down. He was okay. His feet were on the floor. Nick would be so proud of him for this.   

Daisy nudged him again. Charlie opened his eyes to see she had brought him her favorite toy. 

“Thank you, Daisy,” he gave her a pat on the head and she whipped around to lick his knuckles, her whole body wriggling. Charlie gave her a kiss on the head and picked up the stuffed carrot. It looked just like Nellies. Grabbing his cardigan from its signature spot on the floor, he slipped the carrot in his pocket and went to find his keys. 

Technically he didn’t need to drive, Nick’s school was within walking distance, but Charlie wanted to get there as quickly as possible. Plus he didn’t know what kind of state he would find Nick in. A flashback to the hospital made Charlie cringe and he shook his head to clear the thought. Nick was probably just ill. No trips to the hospital would be needed, he thought, trying to convince himself. Maybe a migraine. For some reason, this comforted Charlie. He could handle a migraine. 

Finally he found his keys, (in the sink under the frying pan he had used to make crepes that morning - they were basically just pancakes), gave Daisy another pat on the head and rushed out the front door to go rescue his boyfriend. 

Nick had been listening to the clock for a few minutes now. He didn’t bother counting the seconds, he only listened to the time passing. The nausea had subsided for the time being, but had been replaced by what felt like a cloud in his brain. He almost felt drunk, the room spun when he opened his eyes, so he kept them tightly shut. He was content listening to the clock for now; figuring out what to do about the current situation could wait. 

More time elapsed, but Nick wasn’t sure he believed it. If he couldn’t hear the clock, he would think the world had been frozen. And who’s to say anything was happening? If a tree falls in a forest… 

The door opened. Nick’s heart would’ve fallen into his stomach, but his stomach was in his throat, so it just skittered around for a moment. 

Who could it be? 

Nick curled in on himself once more in an attempt to hide. Maybe if he shut his eyes tight enough, no one would see him. Maybe if he held his breath, no one would hear him. 

Charlie had arrived. He tried to walk calmly to Nick’s classroom, but since there was no one there except a few faculty members and maybe a janitor, running seemed like the best option. 

Plus he’d always wanted to run as fast as he could through school hallways. 

When he reached Nick’s room, he was slightly winded and needed to pause to breathe for a moment before venturing further. This moment was cut short though because when Charlie looked through the window into the classroom, he didn’t see anybody. Where was Nick? His heart sped up, and not because of the hallway sprint. Cracking open the door, Charlie walked into the seemingly abandoned space. 

Nick’s classroom wasn’t that large, there weren’t many places for children to hide, let alone a 6’2 Nick Nelson. The whole room looked dead. Charlie nearly shut the door and went looking elsewhere when the smell hit him. It was acidic and smelled of the tea and toast he and Nick had had for breakfast. It burned Charlie’s nose and his heart dropped, meeting his stomach which was trying to crawl into his chest. 

He cautiously walked further into the room. 

Still, he could not see Nick. What he did see was a thick brown liquid currently dripping down the side of his desk. He tried not to look at it too much, but it was hard when the vomit was literally everywhere. It covered Nick’s desk and Charlie could see various notebooks and stationary poking out from underneath the liquid. 

Still no sign of Nick, but at least Charlie knew what he was dealing with. He took a deep breath through his mouth to steady his heart rate and walked towards the desk. 

It didn’t take much looking after that. 

There was Nick, curled up underneath his desk. An overturned bin was next to him; it was obvious he had tried to keep the mess contained, but it was too much so he gave up. Charlie’s heart fell through his chest and smashed onto the floor, along with his knees as he put one shaking hand on Nick’s shoulder. 

“Oh, love…” Charlie couldn’t tell if Nick’s shirt was wet from sweat or vomit, but it was likely both. 

Nick’s head rolled toward Charlie, eyes closed. Charlie took Nick’s face in his hands and pushed his sweaty hair out of the way. Nick’s face was bright red in some places and pale as milk in others. Tears clung to his eyelashes and bits of breakfast had dried on his chin. Using his bare hands, Charlie wiped away all traces of sickness from his face, whispering to him the whole time. 

Nick’s eyes opened a crack, but his expression was still blank, as if he couldn’t see anything at all. 

“Hi,” Charlie said. Nick’s eyes focused on Charlie for a moment and then rolled away again. 

Now what? How was Charlie gonna drag his 6’2 ragdoll of a husband out from underneath the desk? 

He did not have to ponder for long, because Nick suddenly lurched forward again, right onto Charlie. His whole body seemed to tense as he coughed up a bit of fluid on Charlie’s lap. The noise he made was torturous. It took everything in Charlie to not push Nick back to where he came from. Instead, he took Nick’s shoulders and leaned him to the right so he wasn’t directly in the way of Nick’s next round of gagging. Nothing much was coming up, but that didn’t stop Nick’s body from trying to rid itself of every last bit. 

“Okay, okay, okay,” Charlie said when the gagging turned to gasping. He attempted to pull Nick out from underneath the desk, but he was so completely out of it that instead of leaning into Charlie’s gentle pulls, he reared backwards, nearly hitting his head again. How’d he even fit under there? “You’re okay, yeah, everythings fine,” Charlie rambled, more for himself than for Nick at this point. Nick retched drily again, finally leaning towards Charlie. 

Taking this opportunity to finally pull him out from under the table, Charlie managed to sit Nick up right, this time leaning against the filing cabinet next to the desk. He grabbed the trash bin, but there wasn’t much use for it anymore. He was completely empty. Instead, his head lolled back, hitting the filing cabinet with a clunk. The sound reverberated throughout the room and Charlie winced. Nick was going to give himself a concussion along with whatever horrid virus was wrecking his system.  

“You’ve gotta… Oh love, you have to breathe,” said Charlie. Nick kept gasping, tears running down his face. His hands were balled up in Charlie’s shirt, trying to get as close to him as possible, like maybe, just maybe, Charlie would be able to help him breathe through the pain. 

“Hey, look at me,” Charlie held Nick’s chin up, forcing him to look into his eyes. “Breathe. Start slow. In, 2, 3, 4 hold. Out, 2, 3, 4, hold.” He then rested Nick’s head against his chest so he could feel the vibrations of the breaths Charlie was taking.  It was the same exercise they used whenever one of them was feeling out of control. They’d been using it for so long, just hearing the words was able to ground Charlie. He hoped Nick felt the same. 

As they breathed, Charlie realized just how out of breath he was feeling. Sometimes he worried that their emotions were too intertwined, one of them panicking occasionally led to the both of them breathing harshly while curled up wherever they landed. Sometimes their bed, sometimes their kitchen floor. And now apparently the floor of Nick’s classroom. It wasn’t something Charlie could worry about now though, as Nick was finally taking full deep breaths without shuddering. He still shook like a leaf, but at least he was breathing somewhat normally. 

The last time Charlie was ill, Nick had narrated everything, always telling him what he was going to do before he did it, so as to not cause the panic to rise up again. Charlie moved his hands to put them in Nick’s hair and began speaking quietly. 

“I’m gonna move you just a bit, okay?” Charlie wasn’t expecting an answer, but Nick moved his head in a jerky sort of nod. “And now I’m going to lean you back against the cabinet for just a moment.” He put one hand behind Nick’s head to prevent any more head related injuries. “I’m standing up now, then I’m going to lift you up. I’m going to need your help though, I can’t lift you on my own.” Another jerk of the head. “Now I’m going to take your hands and pull you up. Once you’re up, you can lean against me and I’ll put you in your chair.” The chair had somehow remained dry throughout the whole ordeal. “I’m going to count to three then pull, okay?” Nick hiccuped, which made Charlie’s heart skitter around for a moment before he was able to gain control again. If Nick was sick again, so be it. It would be easier to manage once he was sitting up. 

“1, 2, 3, and up.” Surprisingly, Nick did most of the work. He was able to stand almost on his own, even if he was a bit wobbly. Once Charlie had him in the chair, he was able to get a better look at what they were dealing with. 

It… it didn’t look great. Puddles ranging in thickness were spread at least a foot in every direction, slowly congealing in the cold classroom air. 

Nick seemed to be doing alright, all things considered, but Charlie was worried about a possible second (or third, how long had he been sick?) round. How was he going to get all this cleaned up? There were paper towels on the desk, but it looked like they hadn’t been spared in the initial explosion. 

Charlie’s brain was working overtime, and achieving exactly nothing. What was the correct next step? 

He was thinking so hard he didn’t hear the knock at the door. He also didn’t hear when the door cracked up and someone walked in. He did hear the sound of something metal hit the linoleum floor and the gasp that accompanied it. Bouncing to his feet, Charlie spun around to see the school janitor, Mr. Jenson standing in the doorway. 

“Oh thank god,” Charlie said, taking a step forward. “We’re gonna need a mop.” 

Two hours later, after the mess had been cleaned up and Charlie was finally tucking a weary Nick into bed. Charlie was incredibly grateful Mr. Jenson had stopped by when he did. Apparently he had taken to visiting Nick in the afternoons so they could talk rugby, and was more than happy to help Charlie with the cleanup. 

There had been some close calls on the way home, with Charlie pulling over more than once for Nick to dry heave on the side of the road, but he hadn’t actually been sick since the classroom. Charlie still put a bin on Nick’s side of the bed, just in case, but it seemed like he was out of the woods. 

Nick had fallen asleep almost immediately, and Charlie followed soon after. Even though Charlie wasn’t ill, the afternoon's events had still exhausted him, so when Nick was finally settled, he too climbed under the covers. Charlie placed one hand in Nick’s hair and the other lay on his chest, and they both slept the day away. 

And honestly? 

It was pretty great. 

[thelivingsin]

deltarune theory

i've always had this theory since the day i learned what we all know about kris so far and when i've heard those theories saying ralsei is the counterpart of their lost headband and a symbolism of asriel and kris' longing for him, and i guess now is the time i tell it.

personally, i think that in any way, ralsei will have to disappear by the end of the game.

of course he and the rest of the darkners will. but hear me out on this one.

think of it as the scene in inside out where bingbong fades away in riley's mind leaving joy to return to the hq alone. this scene highly symbolizes the coming of riley's puberty because it was stated that bingbong was their "imaginary friend."

so i'd like to think that this prompt would happen to ralsei, again, in any way, but still relating to that way. whether ralsei turns to stone or, maybe (as per my weird imagination), we seal the pure fountain, preventing us to enter the dark world ever again, i'd still anticipate this scene happens.

we all know asriel will return in a week, right? so by the seventh and last day in the game, we say goodbye to ralsei and the dark world for good. now that asriel's returning from uni, kris wouldn't feel very lonely anymore, except when asriel has to head back, but eventually, kris will have to embrace this phase of them growing up. it's not like they're completely losing grip on their childhood and childlikeness, just... growing up. because in a few years, kris will enter college like their brother.

the headband. their fantasies. running away from reality. the concept of darkness as a form of escapism. all of these ideas will have to fade away in the end. but the only thing we should not let go of and forget is the friends we made along the way.

even if it's just for a week.

[confessions-official]

I have weird feelings about my sister. We have a close relationship, but she is 100% the golden child while I was just not as good ig.

Like, no one has said it, but I just can't help comparing myself to her. She's very good at being a person - she's very self disciplined so school was easy (or easier) for her, has at least an okay time at making friends (I thought she was 99.9% good at it but ig we both have social issues) and she's very kind and nice to people.

Whenever I compare myself to her (which is a lot admittedly) I'm always lacking. Even tho I was a "gifted kid" and did surprisingly well in school, it wasn't easy for me - turns out I have ADHD (no surprise there), a speech impediment, and maybe ASD, so both the academic and social side of school sucked. I didn't get bullied (thank God) but I didn't have any friends and I was very lonely. Later on in school I kinda crashed and burned and didn't take the stress very well, and going to uni just made it worse. Emotions are hard for me as well, I think I had strong emotions when I was younger but ig I've just... lost them 🤷‍♂️. Idk, but I just don't feel much and that makes it hard to do anything.

I've spent the last year working on myself and have definitely gotten better at most of this - I still can't study, but I've gotten better at talking and emotions so yay me - but the one thing I can't stop fixating on is my weight. I'm obese and I just found out I have type 2 diabetes at 21 and I'm so fucking scared. I know I'm probably gonna lose my vision or mobility because I genuinely can't stop eating, both too much and the wrong things. I have no idea what a healthy diet and exercise routine actually looks like, and I have no idea how to fix this because I have shit impulse control and memory and I just forget any change I try to make. I eat food for everything - when I'm hungry, yeah, but also to cure boredom, to make myself feel better, and for stimulus too - and I'm just really scared ig.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that my sister is vegan, and in great shape, and it hurts everytime I see her. I can't stop feeling disgusting and ugly everytime I see her and compare how we look, and I just feel like a failure. I like hanging out with my sister, I love her, she's amazing and she's super supportive and my best friend. But it really hurts looking at how perfect she is and knowing I'm not that, especially because I could be that if I was a better person.

 

[pebblysand]

Omggg pebbles! That mia pov fic🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I'm so in love with how you've portrayed her. She's heart broken but she's gonna get better, I hope she does. It's so sad that she was so hurt because of harry especially when harry didn't mean to do so at any point. I wonder if harry actually thinks about her and regrets their relationship for actually hurting her. Also pebbles, how do you think ginny feels about mia at this point? Are ginny and harry sorry that they kissed when harry was in a relationship with mia?

Also at some point do you think harry and miss could ever be in touch? And what about her father? Will that dickhead ever come back to his senses and treat his gem of a daughter the way she deserves? Will they ever be in touch?

Istg i have soooo many questions about mia. Thanks for writing about her, I see so much of myself in her and i can't help but root for her ❤❤❤

aww thanks ❤️. you have a lot of questions about mia? that's good - i have a lot of thoughts, lol 😆 (for reference and for anyone who hasn't read it - Mia fic is here)

it's funny, i recently had a similar discussion with folks on discord about mia getting to her own version of the epilogue. i think people generally want me to say that she's okay in the same way that people want(ed) JKR (obv. pre-JKR becoming awful) to tell them that george was "okay." this sort of comfort of: we know they've been through a lot but they're okay, please-tell-me-they're-okay, you know? and i remember JKR was always a bit like "😬 is he, though?" realistically speaking? i think that's how i feel about mia too.

on discord, about her epilogue, i said:

i think her epilogue in my head is maybe a bit more… bittersweet than other people's epilogues. cause i think (and this is totally my headcanon, you can see it differently), she has a lot of good things coming out of this. she’s able to establish boundaries with her parents in a much healthier way, she learns to trust herself and stops being such a people pleaser, she learns that she doesn’t have to do everything alone, she has an amazing career - all those things made possible by her character evolution while she was with harry. but there’s this bittersweet aspect of: i think to her, he is and will always be the one that got away. and the kind of love story they had, at the age she was (20/21), those are the things that just stick with you, you know? and i don’t think she regrets anything she did/decisions she made, but there’s this aspect of: he’s the one she fell in love with, and he’ll probably always be the one she will compare other people she dates to. and that’s just… it, you know? and i don’t think she’s sad forever, i think she has fun and has a good life and maybe even finds another partner if she wants to, but harry is the one she's always going be talking to her therapist about. again, that’s okay, and i feel for her So Much, but i think it does sort of have this impact on her that never truly goes away.

i think to me, when it came to shaping mia's character, it was very important for her to have her own arc, too. of course, she existed in reaction to harry's storyline, and was going to help him realise some things about himself, but i also wanted her to be a person, and to grow in her own way.

at her core, mia is someone who is very lonely. when we meet her, she's in her last year of uni. she's away from home, in an environment that is not her own, and basically has no one who really cares about her. her mother is having a new family (new husband, new baby) and while she loves her, she's also replacing her. this is a detail in chapter 13 but mia doesn't even have a bed in their new house. her father is an absolute arsehole who tries to control her life after being absent for 17 years, and she doesn't really have friends. harry always says she has a lot of people around her, but they're school friends, acquaintances, going-out friends, not people she'd ever actually confide in. when she's starving herself trying to survive, no one notices. she says so herself in chapter 14:

‘You know no one else [cares], right?’ she says, then. Looks up to cross his gaze and takes his breath away. ‘Not my dad, not my mum, not my friends in school where I’m like,’ she speaks quick, rolling her eyes, ‘the token black girl with the funny accent from up North when their parents all know people - bloody Vivienne Westwood or something,’ she sighs. Her voice breaks. For the first time that morning, he hears tears in her words. ‘And, I don’t even hold it against them. They’ve all got objectively more important things than me to worry about. It’s just so fucking lonely sometimes.’ 

i think when i was building her character, i kept thinking about how lonely i felt during my first years in uni. mia isn't a self-insert in the way that i think we're very different people (god, i would have dumped his arse so much quicker), but that's definitely something i wanted to address in castles. in popular culture, we tend to romanticise our early twenties and uni years as the "best time of our lives," but the more i think back, and the more i talk to my friends now, as a grown-up, the more i realise that many of us have this very similar experience of deep loneliness and this feeling of being "lost" in the wild world of early adulthood. it's not just about mia's family, or her friends, or her doomed romantic relationship with harry. what makes her relatable, i think, is this general feeling of loneliness and inadequacy that we've all felt at some point in that time period of our lives. you're in uni, you're sitting there stressing about finding a job, a partner, what life is going to be like once you graduate. add to that that this period of your life is often where you get your first real relationships and heartbreaks, and it makes for a very hard time. and, it's terribly lonely because it's so romanticised that you can't even say it's hard, or that you're lonely, because This Is The Best Time of Your Life and #yolo.

and, with mia, you add to that the fact that she's broke af. like: she doesn't have money for food. in an environment where everyone around her has money. so, she doesn't want to admit how broke she is, doesn't want to ask for help because there is literally no one who would help her, but the financial stress is killing her. and, i think it's very important to consider that the money harry gives her isn't much to him, but to her - she later owes him her life and her career. the thing about financial precarity is, you can tell people to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" all you want, the staple of financial precarity is that you're one major expense away from a catastrophe. people are maintained in poverty because what is a small expense to someone with financial security (say: having to fix the lights on your car for instance) can throw someone else in a cycle of debt that they'll never get out of. the money harry gives her is just enough that she's able to get her head above water, and while he always says it's not about the money - to her, that makes a huge difference. because, she's not only one major expense away from a catastrophe, she's also one minor donation away from being able to live the life she dreams of. she - quite literally - owes him paris. she owes her career to him choosing to believe in her in that moment when it mattered. could she have done it without it? maybe. but there is a high chance that if he hadn't given her the money, she'd probably have drowned, given up and gone back to manchester and had a shit job she hated for the rest of her life. that is terribly important. she'll always be grateful to him for helping her out when no one else did.

and, i think the loneliness is also why she and harry connect on such a deep level, because when they meet, he is incredibly lonely too. not in the same relatable, muggle uni ways but: ginny's left, the "buzz" and the elation of the first couple of post-war months have lifted, the press is saying he's gone insane, it's winter, it's dark, wet. he says it himself when they first sleep together in chapter 5:

Mia dances close; Harry mostly watches, but at around three in the morning, they share another taxi home. The fact that they live in the same building could have been a good excuse, Harry thinks, except that by that point, they don’t really need one. He’s already kissed her, trailed his fingers up her thighs in the club (loud music, smoke; he managed to just smile and not think) so it’s not exactly a surprise when he follows her down the stairs to her flat instead of going up to his. He kind of hates himself for the thought but to be honest, it’s been over two months since he’s last had sex and well, she’s offering.

it's kind of tragic but being "there" and "offering" is most of her appeal, at that point in time. and, it's in reaction to those who aren't there and offering. and so, in those months, they bring each other so much. and of course, it grows into something that is much more than loneliness-bonding. again, to mia, harry is the one who shows her her father is an arsehole. he's the one who believes in her when no one else does. he shows her she can trust people. i think the fact that he insists he cares about her, and will always care about her, even when they're not together, means the world to her. she's never had anyone like that in her life. and, in a strange way, by being an - objectively - shitty boyfriend, he teaches her to stand up for herself. because, not only is she terribly lonely, she's also such a people-pleaser that she never pulls anyone up on their shitty behaviour. she doesn't resent her friends (see above), or her dad, or her mum. when harry says this in chapter 15, it really matters:

‘You’re brilliant,’ he just said, instead. His voice cracked and he felt tears clouding his vision, closed his eyes for a moment. ‘You deserve so much better than this.’ She looked down to her lap, then back up to him. ‘Better than him or better than you?’

the question is rhetorical here and they both know it. harry is important to her development as a character because at the end, he allows her to be like: yeah, i fucking deserve better than you people. for her, that's huge.

but then, in a strange way, i do think she's rather nostalgic about it. because i think she really did love him and just wishes things had gone differently. because again, he's the one person who cared about her when no one else did and that's hard to let go of. i think she - again - has very conflicted feelings about it, which do filter through in the paris fic.

that said, to answer your question (I wonder if harry actually thinks about her and regrets their relationship for actually hurting her): yes, he does. i think that's part of his character evolution too. he knows he Fucked Up and it sucks. he feels very guilty about it. that's why he agrees to be the 'bad guy' in the end, when she basically asks him to break up with her because she can't, and then does it in the most godawful way. he takes responsibility for his behaviour, which is also very important to his character arc. it's very hard to navigate your late teens/early twenties without hurting someone without meaning to. what matters is how you react and own up to it. he struggles, acts like a complete douchebag, but in the end, he owns it. he gives her the story she needs to move on and be like: yes, he cared about me, but he was also an arsehole. he gives her that:

She met a boy who slept with her on and off for eight months and broke her heart, dumped her after sex and punched her father in the face. It's not a lie.

in a very strange way, that's an act of love and care too. it might not be enough for her to completely get over him or forget him, but it does allow her to have mixed feelings and hang onto the fact that she deserves better, which is already a lot.

but yeah, of course he feels guilty. he even says so himself in 15 & 16:

(xv) They talk about Mia, that night. Not that he brings it up, but in light of what Gwenog Jones said, he actually asks if she regrets the dating and the going out. There is no judgement in his voice, he’s just curious, and she says: ‘I don’t know, it’s complicated.’ She asks if he regrets Mia and he wants to laugh - same, yeah. He wonders if perhaps, these were the mistakes they needed to make.

(xvi) It’s a fair question, of course. How he feels about Mia. A couple months have passed. Water, bridges and all that. ‘Still a bit guilty, I think,’ he admits. Winces. ‘You?’ ‘Still a bit jealous, I think.’

so, yeah, regarding how ginny feels: of course, she feels a bit jealous. because she knows that he loved mia and cared about her. and, ginny herself slept around, sure, but love wasn't part of the equation. if you remember, she tried to date someone (early on - from october to january of '98) who she did like (but not yet love) and even told harry about, but then that blew up in her face so spectacularly that feelings never really crystallised. (sidenote: i actually think the matt incident probably had even more of an impact on her than sleeping around because this was the first person she ever put her trust in that wasn't harry (post-amycus) and he dumped her in an extraordinarily dickish way (blamed her for the press, which she couldn't control) and that is also what triggered her to be like: fuck this, they say i'm a slut, might as well be one sort of attitude --- but i digress).

it was really important for me that they both have pasts and insecurities about their respective pasts because -- well, that's part of any relationship, isn't it? like, you should never let it eat you up, but it's normal to feel a bit awkward and insecure about your partner's past at the start of the relationship. and, also about yourself. you really want this to work and not fuck it up. so, like: harry feels shitty about treating mia like shit because he didn't mean to. he feels a bit insecure about the fact that ginny's been with a lot of people before him, and doesn't want to admit it. he feels insecure about whether or not she loves him because she's dumped him once before and, well. she feels insecure because everyone thinks she's a slut and she worries he does too. she feels insecure about the fact that he used to love someone else.

but, the important part is: they talk about it. and, that's how they grow and act adult, and that is what matters. the insecurities are obviously there, but they chat and reassure each other and that's what grown-ups do. it even comes up during the sex in 16 and i love how they deal with it:

‘Merlin, that was -’ she laughs. He laughs, too. ‘Much better than last summer,’ she adds.  He’s got this stupid, self-satisfied, Cheshire cat smile across his face when she finally turns to look at him, so large it’s probably rather obscene, and a stupid (stupidstupid) thought suddenly hits his brain: I’ve had time to practice. He doesn’t say it, but she must bloody read it in his eyes because suddenly, a flash of recognition washes over and he wants to say something - anything - to take back that cringey, gauche thing he hasn’t even fucking said, and he wants to disappear deep - far - into the ground. He thinks back to their conversation at the restaurant, and: ‘Still a bit jealous, I think,’ - it makes his skin crawl. Now, though, Ginny laughs. At him, mostly. ‘Harry,’ she says. ‘Harry, look at me.’  Reluctantly, he does. ‘It’s fine,’ she whispers. ‘Just kiss me.’

there's acceptance there, and love, and trust, and that's what matters.

to anwer your other question: Are ginny and harry sorry that they kissed when harry was in a relationship with mia?

honestly, no, i don't think so, though. i think the kiss is the least of it. it's not about one kiss. it's about Everything Else, really.

regarding mia herself, she might make a cameo at a later date. not saying more. but i don't think she'll come back regularly. she needs to be away from him. she says so herself but this isn't the kind of break up where they can stay friends. it would kill her.

lastly, regarding her father (And what about her father? Will that dickhead ever come back to his senses and treat his gem of a daughter the way she deserves?): i headcanon she goes no-contact with him. you can of course hc different things but imo, that's one toxic relationship she lets go of. she knows harry was right there, and i think she's thankful to him for showing that to her, too.

so, in sum: i think mia moves on. i think she has a great life. i also think her love story and harry are always somewhere in her mind. like everything in castles, it's complicated.

[autumnrose11]

Feeling horribly miserable today :(

I've dragged myself through my final year of high school and it's been SO lonely for the past eight months. I haven't been very happy during my last school year, tbh. I feel like I don't fit in because I've got nothing in common with the people in my class. Seriously, I've spent my breaktimes sitting at one side reading/writing fanfiction and reading novels with absolutely no one to talk to. I'm pretty quiet and most of the time during these last few months I've simply felt invisible. Idk, I just want someone to be deep, genuine friends with who's on my wavelength but I haven't found them yet. I'm just feeling sick and tired of all of it.

They don't get me, I don't get them, so there's nothing I can deeply get into with them apart from schoolwork, and there's only so much you can discuss about how your plans for university are going. (Which is part of the reason I love tumblr because you guys have the same interests as me!!) The other girls are into dance and films that aren't really my cup of tea and having boyfriends and going on dates and stuff. Not that that's a bad thing, I know everyone has their interests, but.... The only guy I've been in love with is fictional, and regarding the boys in my year.... the less said the better, because they are crude, vulgar and unhealthily sex obsessed on another level. I don't approve of dating just for the heck of it, just because everyone else is doing it. Generally, the most widely read novels in my peer group are Colleen Hoover, Fifty Shades, etc. I'm not saying you *shouldn't* read that stuff, but... Surely there are other avenues of literature you can and should explore? In my mind sex is done out of love and affection . Body and soul. I don't get why on earth they'd warp it into something so sick and twisted. So the feelings I have are overwhelmingly isolating.

It simply feels like I don't have one single person my own age to speak to who really *gets* me without my having to explain myself. My mum is currently one of my best friends.

The only bright spot on the horizon is that I'm going off to uni in a few months, and I'm trying to tell myself I'm going to find someone soon, but I'm just scared that won't ever happen and I'll have to continue alone like this forever.

(this meltdown will clear up in a bit. Maybe I should go have some coffee. I just needed to get it all out).

[blindedbythedarkness]

The Undeniable Dystopia is Here.

Life is bad. Like shockingly, horrifyingly bad. Growing up really felt like living through a series of unfortunate events- I was certainly repeatedly traumatized. But I never had to fight for my life every single day. That's where we are right now, and yet 95% of people can't or won't acknowledge reality. Hell really is empty and all the devils are here.

We live in a cesspit of plague. That's the state of the entirity of the Western world. I didn't want it at the start because I knew I was more "vulnerable" to its effects. Now I'd avoid it with just as much effort even if I was the healthiest person on Earth. The vaccines didn't stop the death, they just made it slower so people wouldn't notice.

All around me the effects are obvious. Everyone is ill. "The worst colds ever" and "the first year they've ever had hayfever". Quality of life is plummeting. Life expectancy is plummeting. Workers shortages. The internet full of people begging society to change course but incapable of leaving their beds to plead in person. Babies born tiny and starved, the effects on their brains untold. Kids collecting autoimmune diseases like pokemon cards. More Strep. More RSV. Kid after kid with their limbs stripped to the bone to stop the bacteria killing the rest of them. Brain damage termed just "brain fog." Friends of friends dropping dead. Strokes galore.

But you only see it if you're willing to open your eyes.

I can't study safely. I can't sit my exams without risking another hit of the virus that has already left me more disabled. It's not safe to go to the shops. It's not safe to sit in my own garden without a mask. It's not safe to go to the hospital- I know for sure because that's where I caught it last time. Every possible step forward, every possible move, every single day, involves a level of risk I couldn't comprehend 4 years ago.

I don't have PTSD, because we are not 'post'. The trauma is still growing.

At uni, I sit there in full PPE. PPE I spent more money on than I can afford, as someone who lives on less than minimum wage. I look around the room for the seat with the best ventilation, the best chance of air flow. I'm not religious, but I pray. Because I cannot afford to become even more disabled and I cannot afford to disable the person I love most. And then in filter 200 people who no longer care who they hurt with what they spread. Most avoid me- an uncomfortable reminder of the ongoing horror. One decides to sit next to me, coughing, excitedly asking me if I will be joining them for post-exam drinks. Indoors. Unmasked. We live in parallel worlds and yet they cannot even acknowledge that much.

They jet off abroad. Go to clubs. Have a sniffle but visit gran anyway. I pay attention when watching shows set in other dystopias, taking note of how to clean and suture a wound at home if needed. We cannot risk the hospital. I grow vegetables as the online prices rise and we cannot risk a trip to the store. I'm reminding my family what's at stake and begging them to protect themselves because I can't lose anyone else. And I'm praying.

Once again, just like when I was a teen, I find my comfort in misunderstood monsters and outcasts. The lonely characters that the world hates, who break down in tears when shown an ounce of kindness. I get wrapped up in the fantasy of having a safe space where I can finally let my guard down just for a minute. Where I can finally feel seen and see a bearable future. And when I see their visible scars, I feel them too, and I struggle against the urge to make more of my own.

There's no one coming to help me though and no safety in sight. There is just endurance. Even what remains of the mental health service is useless- why would I explain my pain to someone likely happily spreading the very virus that has created this hell? And I can't ask for support from my uni- they've made their views clear that this is my "anxiety" and I'm merely "overly cautious".

But I caught it, so not cautious enough. And it damaged my already disabled body further, so not anxious enough.

The undeniable dystopia is here and there is no end in sight.

[thesourthernpansy]

this is.. a lot of ramble but i hope at least one person reads this and feels marginally better

sitting on tumblr on christmas eve is crazy to me because... i was in this exact place 5 years ago. sitting on tumblr on christmas eve. i was 13, i was lonely, i was confused about my gender identity, sexuality, what i wanted from life. i was dealing with newly-developed ptsd and depression, an abusive household, and all the stresses that come with being a 13 year old girl. and now !! 5 years later !! a lot has changed. i guess this is a sign for me to remember in the future and you guys too that things really do get better even if it doesn't seem that way. and it's not like i waved a magic wand when i turned 18 and everything went away ! i still have ptsd, i will never not have it. i still struggle with depression. but my living situation is so much better. i have real friends whom i care about very much and who care about me. i am going to university next year ! i have 4 offers and they are all russel group (uk ppl this will only make sense to you) (still waiting for an offer from cambridge uni i will update in january!) even tho it once seemed to me that i would never be able to achieve that. i have rediscovered religion and faith and how it can help me. and i am just so excited to enter this new year. not because the last year was so horrible that i crave any change (as previously) but because this year was great and the next year will be even better !!

i hope everyone has a wonderful christmas. and new year. i hope that you are kind and generous and grateful. and i hope that if you get one thing from this silly ramble it's that it does get better. and doesnt that just make it all worth it?

merry christmas

xxxxx jude xxxx

[taegularities]

Ah Rid, you don't have to worry about me truly. I've just been in my feels recently and especially tonight. I hope this little ramble doesn't just pile on bad vibes onto you when you're already feeling down because that's the last thing I want 🥺🥺🥺 But I guess it's better if I don't just let these thoughts fester in my head huh?

It's really not even anything that bad or big, but lately I've just felt quite... lonely irl. Or maybe more like craving deeper human connection? Because I do have people around me that I talk to and hang out with but it doesn't exactly feel enough. And thinking about it more it doesn't even have to be romantic (although that's where my brain went to at first) but just something closer, more intimate and personal.

All of that had me thinking back to the many friendships I've been in in the past years and how the atmosphere in a lot of them was very negative, so that's why I kept changing friend groups a lot. And then I was finally in a place where I had two very close girl friends and everything was so positive and uplifting, it was really nice. We naturally drifted apart and I'm fine with that, I just miss that closeness and positive energy, that connection and feeling of knowing each other so well.

And I was so excited to start uni because I actually love the process of initially getting to know people too, but now I just want something more 😔😔😔

I feel like that's definitely something that I should actively be building up too though so it feels like if it makes me so sad, why aren't I doing something about it yk? That's something I should probably think about more, how to make it happen. I just feel like not only do I want more love to be given to me, but also even more like I have so much love to give and nobody to give it to.

That being said I'm grateful for all of the people in my life. And feeling like this recently has made me appreciate everybody I've met online so so so much more than I already was. Everyone here, including you, Rid, makes me feel so so very happy and loved. It's just not easy when one of my main love languages is physical touch and everyone's all over the world and I can't actually hug you lmao.

I reeeeally wasn't sure if I should ramble to you because as I said, I didn't want to add onto your bad feelings, but I don’t think I can really say this to anyone else without feeling silly and I believe in the benefit of letting your feelings out. So thank you as always for listening, Rid. Please don't feel obligated to reply or anything if you don't have the emotional energy, it just feels good to put these thoughts out there.

I truly believe that we'll all be okay very very soon. I'm sending you the biggest hugs and all of the love in the world 💞💞💞

awh god, bby :((

reading this made me so sad. don't feel bad about it, it just means i care btw! i just hate that so many people have been feeling that way. i honestly get that 100% bc i too have been feeling a lot like this in the past few months.

loneliness sucks. sometimes you want to talk about something, but you don't know with whom. or sometimes, you want to go for lunch or dinner or go see a movie but can't figure out who to ask. i get it... i think there's always a point in life when loneliness strikes hardest, but i think we need to keep in mind that it's not our fault, or at least not always.

like, you said you know you could change it if you just tried, or that you need to push yourself harder. which is good. it's always great to acknowledge what can be done. but, and i always tell that myself too, it's not always easy and that's okay!! don't put yourself down. like, opening up can be fkn hard, especially after this stupid pandemic, so it's genuinely okay if it takes some time, you know? i was excited for uni as well bc i thought i could finally make new friends, but then you enter the room and just... ugh it's hard. ofc we crave intimate relationships of any kind, and yes friendships drift apart, but finding new ones just requires patience i think.

those are all things i tell myself daily. bc otherwise id spiral more lol and yes i'm so so thankful for everyone here, too. i love all my virtual moots and friends and readers and everyone, but it stinks that i can't hug anyone, so yeah ofc we'd want that irl warmth.

it'll happen !! take your time, dive into relationships step by step, doesn't have to happen overnight. there's this jk biased army girl, right? try with her if you'd like, but don't push yourself too hard. be comfortable. and also, never feel bad for venting, bc while i worry, your pain won't add to mine. like, i like to help.. so it's alright, anytime. and yeah, we'll be okay, at least at some point, you're right my love 💕

[deertaz]

I'm Back

This account was something I made when I was 14 and in a very bleak time of my life. I have deleted most of my old posts, not only because I wish to forget that time, but also because as an adult, I now understand how venting towards a public space can validate and enable the self-harmful behaviours of other people.

Luckily this account got nothing more that a few notes, with a handful of people looking at what I posted. But, I would like to apologise to anybody who saw my posts and were triggered by it.

I never participated in any group chats or messages encouraging my or the EDs of others. Even then, I saw the danger of such things. However, through sharing my experiences and harmful thoughts in visceral detail, I may have contributed to the validation of others as mentally damaged as I was at the time. Again, I am lucky that next to nobody saw this account.

So, take this as a reintroduction of myself;

Hi, I'm 'Taz', I'm 19. I'm in Uni right now with a freelance job. I love dressing in alternative 'gothic' styles, listening to emo, metal, goth and alternative music. I've experienced a lot since I've been gone, and have been incredibly lucky over the past 3-4 years since my departure.

I have gained lifelong friends who truly value me for the person I am. I graduated high school at 16 and, since then, have found a confidence in myself that I never knew I had. I am capable, thriving and happy with myself and the things I have accomplished so far. I spoke in front of a crowd of 200 last year, and realised how the only thing holding me back is myself.

I no longer feel ashamed about my interests, nor my appearance. I don't hide my love for childish and nerdy things. I'm just a bit odd, but standing out both appearance-wise and personality-wise have turned out to be an asset. It has drawn the most remarkable and kind people to me. I met my platonic soulmate, who has been my best friend for 3 years.

And yes, I have not been friends with that girl I ranted about in 2019 for over 4 years (left the post up since I believe it isn't harmful). What she said and did to me wasn't okay, I'm proud of myself for finally being able to cut her out of my life. I was a very insecure lonely person, who didn't understand how friends should treat you. I never had friends as a child, since I was considered weird. So joining high school (I was 11, UK) made me try to change myself, I was quiet and agreeable. When she offered me friendship I was very happy, but did not have the self confidence nor the wisdom to realise that she was treating me horribly. I understand now, and am quite a lot better with setting boundaries.

I have had two partners, and one on and off situationship thing (lol). I'm not a lesbian, I'm Bi with a preference for women. My parents know. I have a 17 year old brother who I love to pieces, every day I am taken a-back by how much I get on with him. I value our closeness and am very grateful that he's in my life.

My relationship with my mother has been rocky at times, especially from 10-16. But I no longer live at home, so my interactions with her have improved a lot. I love her, she is a kind person, though very temperamental. She is also no longer bedridden!

I am now 19, I am older. I am much better at handling her outbursts. I stand up for myself without shouting back. I realised the best way to respond to her is either by removing myself, or by asking her questions, 'did you take your meds today?', 'why do you think you are angry?', 'Does this warrant shouting?'.

My favourite thing to say is, 'I love you mum, but I hate how you are acting right now.'

It shows to her that I love her, what I'm saying isn't an attack on her character, but on her current actions. It's a pretty good way of letting her know (I think).

Anyways, rant over (for now). For anybody still struggling with an ED, please seek comfort in others. Tell somebody. It's a slow recovery, and you might relapse a few times before it gets better. But it does get better. For anybody still in those awful teen years, it's a shitty waiting game but the end post is in sight, and it's a path to something far brighter.

-Taz

[rungigirun]

Façades of Loneliness

A lot of people say that when you feel chronically lonely, it stems from something missing from your soul. Something like troublesome upbringing or being surrounded by quarreling parents all the time. I sort of agree with that, but once we establish the fact that the adult feeling of loneliness is in fact a result of not being at peace with yourself, what are the remedies for it?

Well, I’m here to tell you that I have no idea. Because I have been experiencing those feelings for a long time now, and even when surrounded by people, and I still have no idea how to cope.

Hence, this essay is not a self-help article to get rid of your winter moodiness or seasonal depression, or to fill your ever-gaping hole in your soul with useless tips to keep yourself busy. It’s just as a personal chronicle and exploration of different types and aspects of loneliness I have felt over the years.

As soon as I moved out and started living in college dorms at 18, moving to a tiny rural Pennsylvania town from the giant metropolis of Istanbul, it took a while getting used to the tiny college community of 2000 people. However, my best friend Karen and I were inseparable, so even though the town was tiny and there wasn’t much to do besides vomit stained frat parties in damp and keg smelling wooden paneled rooms, I did not feel lonely.

The following year, I moved to the UK, and for 2 years straight I was in a long haul of partying at least 3 nights a week. That plus the hangover and classes prevented me from feeling any loneliness. However, with the last year of uni dawning upon us, of which in the UK makes up the most of your graduation grade, we cut down on partying and were studying in solitude more often. That was the first time I started having very bothering feelings of loneliness, even though I was living in a house with 6 other friends. Hours and hours in the room alone studying, and even after I left the room to go to the living room or kitchen downstairs to socialize with my flatmates with whom I had been sharing accommodation the past 3 years with, I did not feel socialized enough. Like, the social interactions I started having with them did not feel so satisfying as they once did.

I started finding them kind of boring and bland for some reason I don’t even know, but anything they did was annoying me- them watching Friends reruns on cable TV, which I did not find funny at all, their everyday conversations about classes or other people. The loneliness I felt surrounded by them really started getting to me.

Then I moved to London, started living with a different set of people, but still, even though I got along better with them I still had that gaping feeling of loneliness with me that I couldn’t shake off no matter what I did.

I was going to classes for my masters degree twice a week, and going out with my friends on the weekend, which was very much the norm for the majority of people, but somehow it wasn’t enough with me.

I missed the closeness I had with my college freshman roomie Karen with whom we did pretty much everything together 24/7, which kept me from feeling lonely. Again, I guess wanting to be with someone 24/7 signals that I am needy and I need to face my inner issues etc, but despite relentless therapy sessions and self-help I’ve read, to this day I have no clue about how to achieve that internally.

I used to think that living abroad in a foreign country caused a lot of my lonely feelings, but having been stuck back in my home country for the past 3 years showed me that it really isn’t. Yes, things are more familiar — however the friend circle I once had is gone.

I guess that is what being from a country in economic turmoil PLUS being a single woman in your 30s does to you — all your friends have emigrated and you’ve settled back at just exactly the wrong time. The wrong time meaning, the friends left in your country are the ones that cannot emigrate easily, the ones who are already married with kids. Which, again, means that you don’t even see them that often so, guess what, you are alone again.

I would have liked to say I am alone not lonely, but unfortunately, that is not the case.

Being back in my home country the past three years and watching close friends emigrate one by one, for a moment makes me think that I was happier and less lonely when I was abroad. Well, that is both right and wrong. I was lonely abroad as well, but at least I was meeting new people and going on dates, which is not even the case here.

Now, a lot of people would tell you to pick up a new hobby, join a new social circle, etc., which make me squirm. I actually squirm and feel so deeply cringe about forcing new social connections in places that I wouldn’t even wholeheartedly want to be in. Like I would dread joining the Rotary or Lions club or taking up sailing just to make new friends, because those things mean nothing to me.

On the other hand, it is painfully hard to meet new people that you actually have the same mindset with and share similar interests with, and rather than forcing it you’d be alone, so we are back to square one of loneliness: you are by yourself again.

Another thing that often happens to me is that during this cycle of loneliness, you get so used to it that often it doesn’t even cross your mind to do something about it. Maybe small things like going on a walk or going for a coffee by yourself would help, but in my mind it all goes back to: ‘what is the point?’.

What also happened quite often especially when I lived abroad was to keep entertaining and seeing people that were using me. When I used to live in Barcelona, a lot of people I know from before used to hit me up saying they wanted to come over and stay with me for a couple of days. I used to cheerily accept them, hosting them in my house and spending money to be with them for a couple of days. The problem is, the majority of these people wouldn’t even call me if I were back in Turkey or just to regularly check up on me to see how things were.

After a while, I understood bitterly that people were using me. However, there was a paradox. Since living abroad meant you naturally had less friends than what you collected in your hometown (which has now eradicated but once was the case anyway), I would still entertain these people and host them for a couple of days just to not feel lonely. It only materialized in my mind a couple of years later that they were, in fact using me for their free holiday means, so I decided to start saying no.

Except there was a problem: saying no meant even less people around me, which in turn increased my loneliness. However, with where things currently stand, I think I’d rather be lonely than entertain that kind of people.

So here we are, with a multitude of façades of loneliness throughout my life at different stages, and each time maybe even making decisions that are making me inherently more lonely in the end. Which leaves me with no option but to keep waiting for people who share my mindset to naturally appear in my life and make me feel more loved. Don’t know if or when that will ever happen, but I seem to think and think about it in circles and I cannot find any other way to relieve myself of these emotions.

[skzhocomments]

I can read your smile - Choi Minho SHINee Fanfic - Chapter 13 - Strawberry buttons

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

Wattpad | AO3

Chapter 12 | Chapter 14

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Chapter 13 - Strawberry buttons

word count: 2.9k words

~third person POV~

"So, we're all going to the party on Saturday, right?" Jude spoke excitedly and looked insistently at Lydia and Crystal. It was the second day of Uni, and their small group was eating lunch together in the cafeteria.

Crystal lazily took an apple out of her bag and began eating it, not wanting to respond.

"That damn apple again." Lydia rolled her eyes. "I swear to God, if you don't start eating real meals I'm gonna-"

Just as she started speaking, she got interrupted by a bear hug from behind, which startled her.

"Hey." Jinki kissed her cheek, and she became a blushing mess.

They've been dating ever since Taemin's birthday, and even if it was hard for Lydia to get over her past and overcome her trauma regarding men, she gave him a chance, and she's been very happy since.

"Hi." She smiled. "What's up?"

"We figured we'll eat with you." Jinki sat down next to Lydia, and Taemin followed soon after, and sat down in front of Crystal, next to Jude. Key also sat down next to Jude, on her other side. They've been dating since Taemin's birthday as well, albeit not so openly.

Then, a tray with food appeared out of nowhere in front of Crystal, and Minho stood down next to her with his own tray.

"Eat." He instructed her, and she looked at him dumbfounded.

"Thank you, Minho." Lydia smiled satisfied. "We've been trying to force food down her throat for years, and she wouldn't listen."

"Yea, she only listens to you apparently." Jude chuckled.

"Oh, shut up." Crystal rolled her eyes.

"So, why were you so excited?" Key smiled, asking his girlfriend.

"The party on Saturday. I was just asking the girls if we're all going."

"Oh, I really want to go too!" Taemin smiled.

"Jude, we have plans on Saturday though." Key frowned, and then Jude finally remembered and face-palmed herself.

"Oh, that's right! Nevermind, then!" She smiled and watched Key, who was smiling happily.

"I hate parties, so I'm not going." Lydia shrugged.

"Crystal, Jinki, Minho, are you coming with me?" Taemin asked, hopeful.

"I have football practice for our next game both Saturday evening and Sunday morning..." Minho shook his head.

"I have plans with Lydia." Jinki hugged her side, and she raised a brow and mouthed a 'We do?' to which Jinki simply smirked.

"Crystal, you're my last hope." Taemin pleaded.

"I don't know, I've never been to one of these parties before." She shrugged. Parties weren't exactly her cup of tea. She had low alcohol tolerance, not many friends, and she'd rather watch a movie or something instead of going out to dance with strangers.

"So why not come with me? Maybe you'll find yourself a boyfriend or something-" Taemin started, when Jude elbowed his side.

"I'm not really a hook-up kind of girl anymore." Crystal shrugged.

"Anymore?" Key asked, amused.

"Don't tell me you used to sleep around, because I will never ever believe you." Jude gasped.

"This is not the type of conversation to have at lunch, in Uni." Crystal waved her hand around, trying to dismiss this talk.

After she got kicked out of the orphanage, she used to seek any kind of love or validation from others that she could get, and more often than not, that validation would come in the form of sex, so she would offer her body to almost anyone who wanted it. Sex was the only thing that made her feel a little bit less lonely, it was the only time people gave her any attention, and she was thriving on it, until she realised it was self-destructive. Ever since then, she decided she will no longer sleep with just anyone, or offer her body away just for a few minutes of fake love. She wanted to have a deeper connection with someone before having sex with them, so she hasn't had sex in... years.

"True." Lydia nodded, in her 'Just drop it' way, so they all went back to the main topic of discussion: the party on Saturday.

"Anyway, you have to come with me. Pleeaseee?" Taemin asked again, and Crystal sighed.

"Okay. Why not? Should be fun." She finally gave in with a chuckle, after Taemin did his cute little pout. How could she not?

~

The weekend came by quick enough, and Taemin was hanging out at Minho's place, waiting for Crystal to be ready.

She decided to wear the dress Minho gifted her, with the cute strawberry buttons, and she didn't exaggerate with the make-up. Just a bit of red on her cheeks and lips, and she was ready to go and dance the night away with Taemin and whoever other of his friends decided to come to the party.

"Some ground rules for your first party from your senior." Minho started up before Crystal and Taemin headed out. "Be careful. Don't get drunk. Don't accept drinks from anyone except Taemin. Not even from whatever 'bar' they've improvised. Unless you see the bottle being unsealed right in front of you, you don't take it. You pour everything yourself. Don't exaggerate on drinks. No drugs. What else?" He stopped for a moment and started rubbing his chin, thinking of more tips they needed to know.

"Come on, Minho, we are not kids. We'll be fine." Taemin brushed him off, to which Minho frowned.

"No. I want you two to be safe, and I expect you to watch over Crystal tonight, okay?"

"If you're so worried you should just come yourself." Taemin protested.

"You know I can't. I have practice tomorrow morning at 7:30."

"Minho, thank you for your concern, but we'll be okay." Crystal tried to assure him. "Taemin and I will stick together."

"You better."

~

2 hours into the party, Crystal was standing with her back against the living room wall, watching amused how Taemin was starting to get drunk during some random drinking game one of his friends forced him to take part in.

He would stumble sometimes, or say something stupid, which made her laugh to no end. She even filmed some of it, so she can have a memory of this moment forever and show Jude and Lydia in Uni on Monday.

"Hey there." A good-looking, tall and muscular guy approached her, and pressed his back against the wall as well. "Are you a first year? I've never seen you before."

"No." Crystal chuckled. "3rd year. What about you?"

"Woah, a bit older than me, I see." He smiled mischievously and handed her his hand. "Name's Jun. I'm a second year."

"Jun. Noted." She chuckled and shook his hand. "I'm Crystal."

"Such a pretty name! You know, that sounds a lot like my next girlfriend's name."

"Oh, is that so?" Crystal raised an eyebrow. She found his pick-up line kinda corny, but she indulged him either way. Maybe it was good to meet other people. Maybe Taemin was right, and she would find the love of her life at this party, and she would forget all about Minho.

"I hope it is." He winked. "Hey, can I get you anything to drink? Your cup's empty." He pointed to the red cup in her hand. Some cheap-tasting beer used to be in it 20 minutes ago, but she sipped on it enough to finish it while watching Taemin do stupid shit.

She found it ironic how Minho asked Taemin to take care of her, but she was the only sober-enough one between them two. Still, Minho did have a few great points tonight, especially not accepting drinks from strangers.

"Oh, no, I'm good, thanks. Gotta not get too drunk." She chuckled.

"You do you. I'm gonna grab some beer, but do stay here. Don't run away." He raised a finger in the air as if to make sure she'll stay put and went quickly in the kitchen.

"Not gonna go anywhere, no worries." She joked back and smiled, and as soon as the guy turned around, she sighed.

Why was she still thinking about Minho?

Jun returned quickly enough and continued the conversation with her eagerly.

"So, 3rd year Crystal, did you come here with your boyfriend?" He pointed to Taemin, who she's been watching closely.

"No. With my kid." She joked. "He needs an adult to take care of him."

Taemin was now held upside down by two guys she couldn't recognise, and was drinking beer that way, which proved her point further.

"I see. I was worried for a second that you're taken."

"What if I were?" She laughed.

"I'd be very disappointed." He placed a hand on his heart and mimicked heartache. "So, he's just a friend from your class who brought you to the party and abandoned you."

"Looks like it."

"I'm the same. My friend also brought me here, and now she's hooking up with that girl in the corner." He pointed to the sofa in the corner of the room, where one of Crystal's classmates that she thought was called Yura was hungrily kissing some other girl she didn't know.

"At least they're having fun."

"Indeed." Jun raised his can before taking a first sip. "This beer's shit. Now I see why you didn't want any."

"I think your friend is in my class. Is her name Yura?" Crystal tried to keep the conversation flowing, even though she was finding it difficult to actually be interested in the guy.

"Yes! So, you're a business major. I see, smart one!"

"What are you studying?"

"That's less important." He waved his hand around. "What's more important, though, is that you're looking at the next football captain, once the current one retires." He hit his chest with his fist two times and boasted proudly.

Once the current one retires.

Right, it's Minho's last year.

Crystal smiled bitterly.

"Are you in the team?"

"Not yet, but I'll be after next week! I just have to pass their tests, should be easy enough!"

"Oh, good luck! I hope you'll get in!" She smiled, but her mind was elsewhere.

"So, would it be bad if I leaned in and kiss you?" He asked, and leaned in, but Crystal moved away, shocked by the guy's boldness.

She was at a frat party of sorts, yes, but still. So randomly?

"Sorry, that took me by surprise." She chuckled nervously, then saw Taemin approach them with a curious look.

"I see you've made a friend while I was gone." He laughed and stumbled on his feet, and looked drunk.

"Taemin, you should definitely stop drinking." Crystal scolded him.

"And miss out on the fun?! No way, bro!"

Jun's friend, Yura, also approached the trio. Crystal never spoke to her, but they both recognised each other.

"Jun! I didn't know you knew Taemin and Crystal!" She spoke happily and greeted them. Even though Crystal never spoke to her before, she seemed friendly. Taemin just nodded absent-mindedly.

"I just met them both. I'm kinda interested in one of them, though." Jun spoke and looked at Crystal, who just smiled politely in return.

He seemed nice enough. Maybe they'd trade numbers and see they get along and she would really get over Minho this time.

God, why am I thinking about him again?

"I'm gonna head back to my place with my date. The girl's been waiting for me for some time. Do y'all want something to drink before I go?"

"You bet I do!" Jun exclaimed, Taemin nodded as well and told her he wants some wine, and Crystal, noting that Yura was a classmate and that Taemin also accepted a drink from her, decided to accept as well.

She came back with three drinks and handed it to them, then left the party with her date.

Kai arrived at the party, definitely invited by Taemin, and after he said hi to Crystal, he stole Taemin away, leaving her alone with Jun once again.

She sipped on the drink, some kind of alcohol with punch which tasted awful, and after two gulps, she felt like she had enough for the night.

Jun kept talking about something, but Crystal found it hard to focus.

Am I already drunk? But I only had one beer and a few sips of this drink.

She couldn't understand what was happening, and Jun's words started to mix up in her head. Her vision was getting blurry, and all the lights coming from the big disco ball in the middle of the room were tiring and were making her more confused, giving her a big headache.

Jun grabbed her hand and started dragging her away from the living room, up the stairs. Although reluctant, Crystal didn't question it at first, because nothing made sense anymore, but she was starting to panic when her legs stopped cooperating, and she fell on the stairs, scraping her knees. Instead of comforting her, or acting like a decent person, Jun grabbed her arm tightly again and forced her to stand up, muttering up some curse words and telling her to hurry the fuck up.

At this point, Crystal started to cry, but Jun didn't seem to show any compassion. He opened one of the rooms upstairs and shoved her inside, throwing her on the bed and jumping on top of her.

She protested and squirmed under him, but he was just too strong, and she couldn't move away.

"Stop it already!" He shouted, and she cried harder. "It's just going to be more difficult for you if you keep this up."

"Please let go!" She tried speaking through her tears, but he didn't care.

He pressed his mouth against her neck and sucked on it, continuing to move his mouth down her body, and she felt disgusting.

Channelling her whole force, she reached the lamp on the nightstand with her right hand and managed to grab it and smack Jun's head with it, taking him by surprise. She shoved him away from her and tried to run away, but he came to his senses too quickly.

"No!" Crystal screamed when Jun grabbed a handful of her hair with one hand, and the hem of her dress with the other, and pulled her back towards him, some of the strawberry buttons flying on the floor.

"Fucking bitch." He muttered, blood running down his face from the cut in his forehead Crystal caused with the lamp and forced her to look at him, before slapping her left cheek as hard as he could.

Crystal fell down from the impact, and he made her lay down on her stomach on the bed, pressing his body against her. He pushed her head against the pillows, his hand moving up her legs and raising the dress enough to expose her ass.

"Let me go!" She tried again, but her screams were muffled between the pillows, and it was so hard to move when her body was intoxicated like this.

She must've been drugged. That was the only logical explanation for how she was feeling.

"Look at you, wearing a thong like a whore." He spoke, looking at the thin panties. He grabbed the hem of them and started dragging them down her legs, exposing her core. He hit her ass hard and grabbed it, and squeezed it, all the while she was pleading with him to let her go and tried to wiggle out of his grasp, with no success.

Then, he started unzipping his pants, continuing to throw more derogatory insults her way, along the lines of 'slut', 'whore', or 'stupid, worthless cunt', telling her how much she wants it since she wore this short dress and thongs, and how she flirted with him the whole night, leading him on, so what was she expecting?

Crystal felt humiliated and stupid, and she wished she listened more to Minho, and didn't accept that damn drink from her classmate. She cried harder and struggled under him, but it was way too easy for him to overpower her.

"Oh, shut up already!" He shouted annoyed. "You've been teasing me the whole night! It's your fault!"

"Please, no..."

"Just wait, it will feel good. I'm sure a whore like you can take it."

After squirming against him for a while with no apparent success, she lost all hope and started thinking of the worst.

She was going to get raped, and she just had to endure it, because there was nothing else she could do. She's going to protect herself and get in the same headspace she used when her foster parents or Mrs. Lewis would hit her. Jun was not doing anything to her, he just used her body, so she would just separate her mind from her body, and she would be okay.

It will be okay.

Everything will be fine.

She told herself over and over, when the door suddenly opened, and Taemin and Kai busted in the room. Kai threw Jun away from her and hit his face two times, before Jun cursed them both and ran out of the room in a hurry, probably trying to evade all the implications of what he was caught doing.

Taemin rushed towards Crystal and helped her sit up on the bed and rearrange her clothes. She slowly pulled her panties back up, and she felt around the fabric of the dress, at her chest, but it was ruined. The buttons have been ripped off, and the dress was hanging on her body awkwardly, showing her cleavage, so Kai took his jacket off and gave it to her to cover up.

Since Taemin was still too wasted, they decided that Kai would be the one to take Crystal home, so he helped her into a taxi, then into the elevator, and knocked on the door.

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Chapter 12 | Chapter 14

[room4creation]

Moooorning I’m so fucking jet lagged clearly … well I’m going to attempt sleep now I am actually quite tired .. sad abt things but not rlly all that fussed I think im kinda getting over stuff idk

I’d journal abt this stuff but my journal is at uni and I’m at home so I suppose you can all read me be sad abt the same thing I have for the past few months …

I’m definitely getting over it. At first I was sad because she had left me high and dry like we were rlly best friends for a little while and then I think it was this one Friday night where she completely ditched me for a boy and also her new friend that I was like yeah ok this is the beginning of the end ,.. and then she was treating everyone around us like shit for this new friend and at first I was sad because I still wanted to be her friend and I wanted us all to be friends but now I’m sad that we even had to do this drama … like I just want things to be simple. I’m sad that everything got fucked and now we have to live with the awkwardness of it. I don’t really miss her as a friend anymore and I think we both know it’s not the same anymore. Sometimes I do… the last time I did was when we were at pres before a birthday party and it was like old times but then it quite quickly became like new times and I was like ah. I’m sad that everyone is angry and annoyed I want us all to just not give a shit anymore. I don’t want to to pretend to be close friends anymore. I want us to go back to first year and never have had her involved at all even though she was involved before me lol. But I suppose friendship groups are not stagnant and they change a lot and people come and go. I just want her to leave to be honest. I don’t want to care about her or the situation anymore. I think I want to go back to when we were in lisbon and things were great but I think maybe things never were.. if you know the lore two of my friends thought we were too much or something and I still think they were kinda wack and crazy for saying all that stuff but idk. Things have been weird before I was even friends with them. So I suppose I wish it could have just been normal from the start and good. Friendships are weird. Weird weird weird. She’s a weird person as well so that doesn’t help, I think I just want to skip to the part where it’s all good. I feel bad for her because i think she will be lonely this year… I think that’s what I maybe feel the worst about. Because her new friends are moving away for a year. I feel sad that she will be lonely this year. I feel sad that I lost a best friend. I feel sad that she was a bad friend. I feel sad that our little group is falling apart and I feel sad that it was never very stable. I feel sad that everyone is angry and upset. I feel sad that we were never enough for her and that she probably never really liked us all that much. I think I’m getting over it because I don’t miss her I miss the idea of the group… I think I’m getting over it because I do want her to have fun with her friends and I want her to pick them over us so life will be easier for all of us. I think I’m getting over it because I don’t really resent her anymore. Ugh. Life is weird. Being sad about boys is so much more fun. Lol