#my last relationship fucked me up. she made me feel unlovable

[pinkspiraling]

if this mf doesn’t answer me by tonight istg i will never talk to him again. i can’t handle even the tiniest bit of rejection like i don’t usually do this but i’m trying to trust him and now i don’t trust him at all i feel like he was lying and he actually is disgusted by me or something :) maybe i was terrible and he just don’t fucking want me

[delicatetaysversion]

my sister called me and kept asking excitedly that what's happening in my life and

[wheredidhiseyebrowsgo]

Do you know any fics similar to The Mating Privilege or I Don’t Like the Way She’s Looking at You? Just some stories where Derek isn’t the *best* mate/bf/husband etc or they have to pretend to not be together and ends up with stiles feeling neglected or ignored.

I’ve also read “how I long for yesterday” and “worth it” for those that want something similar but not quite what I’m looking for!

First of all. "How I Long for Yesterday" is my fic. So this made my day.

How I Long For Yesterday by sweetbutterbliss

(1/1 I 6,017 I Mature I Sterek)

Stiles blinks, his throat going dry, and he moves his thumb without thinking - liking the post. He feels a surge of petty satisfaction. At least the fucker will know he knows now. He stands up, his body feeling too heavy, and he blows out the already guttering candles. He lets out a sob of frustration when the last one won’t fucking blow out. But he sucks it back in and bites down on his tongue, using his thumb and forefinger instead. He throws himself into their empty bed without undressing. He lies there repeating the words ‘Derek blew me off for Isaac’ over and over. He tells himself to shut up while rearranging his pillow violently, but he goes to sleep with the refrain continuing its painful loop.

Worth It by dragneels

(1/1 I 1,670 I General I Sterek)

He hadn’t thought even for a second, instincts roaring, and jumped in front of Derek, taking the blow. And then he got lost in the darkness. also known as the "stiles telling derek that he's worth everything" fic no one asked for

***

As the seconds tick by by Halevetica

(1/1 I 3,972 I Not Rated)

When Derek picks up a new contract, he starts showing up late and missing important dates making Stiles feel unimportant. Derek is sure the contract is worth it, but Stiles doesn't understand why.

I'm Torn Do I Stay Do I Go by Adaline_Stilinski

(2/2 I 6,963 I General)

Derek had been focusing on making alliances with other packs around Beacon Hills to protect his pack but in doing so he started to neglect Stiles and there relationship. Stiles get's sick of it and decided to leave for some time apart is it going to help be like the stories Stiles reads and write about how distance makes love grow or will they both realise that there better apart. Will tragedy bring them together

Aberration by JackalPinesOfHouseEvergreen

(11/? I 29,415 I Teen)

Derek is a hot-shot lawyer who is very focused on his work. Stiles is his loving husband who does his best to fit into Derek's high-class family. He's hit some major roadblocks though. He feels neglected and unloved, and worse when Derek ditches him at his own family's parties which leave him humiliated as he tries to appear like their marriage isn't failing.

As an old member comes during some important werewolf ceremony to stir the pot, Derek's relationship with his family and Stiles is tested more than ever. Derek's world has been rocked and turned upside down.

And Stiles? Stiles is trying to find out who he is in the absence of the one he loves. As much as he believes in Derek and in their relationship, Stiles needs to find his self-worth that got lost along the way. Remember the fire he had inside of him as he got in the face of those that looked down at him, the fierceness of his intelligence that made others fear and respect him. Remember how fun life was...

Derek and Stiles drift a bit as Derek realizes he has to woo Stiles again, because he will not risk losing the love of his life. Not again.

The Mating Privilege by Kikileduc

(12/12 I 35,380 I Mature)

Stiles and Derek have been happily mated. The pack is doing well, but in hopes of creating alliances for it to do better, Derek accepts a neighboring pack's request to allow two wolves to join the Hale-McCall pack for a full moon cycle. They hope to form a blood-tie, or at least a long term friendship between the two packs. The issue is Kohona, the tribal leader's daughter, has her eyes set on an unavailable alpha wolf. This could have drastic consequences for their young emissary, however...

Til We Ain't Strangers Anymore by WriteByNight

(7/7 I 35,994 I Explicit)

Stiles should've expected Derek to suddenly disappear since the werewolf was in the habit of taking off without notice. However, Derek always showed up when they needed him.

As the weeks pass by, Stiles is no longer confused and a little hurt. What started as heartache begins to get worse the longer Stiles goes without seeing Derek. Eventually, his body begins to shut down and his only hope seems to be Derek...but nobody can find him.

There's no cure for a broken heart. Except, maybe, the cause for the broken heart himself.

- - -

Or the one where Derek takes off without warning and Stiles finds out he could be Derek's mate and the distance between Derek and Stiles, along with Derek's refusal to develop the bond, is slowly killing Stiles. Without Derek, Stiles will die, but no one knows where he is or how to contact him. And Stiles is barely keeping it together.

[aihoshiino]

chapter 146 thoughts

This chapter (and thus this chapter review) contains discussion of abuse, suicidal ideation and CSA, so if you're not in the headspace for that, skip this one and I'll see you next time.

we are so oshi no back

After last chapter left me fighting for my life to come up with literally anything to say about it, this was one of those chapters where I ended up having more and more to say about it the more I turned it over in my head. It still feels a bit disjointed and has that same issue of ripping through the events of the movie way too fucking fast that the arc as a whole has been having lately but this chapter was such a breath of fresh air I can't bring myself to care.

The chapter itself is more or less split in two, with one half dedicated to 15 Year Lie's in-universe events and the other focusing a bit on Aqua and Kana for, tbh, the first time in way too long. Admittedly, my enthusiasm for 15YL has waned given the reveal of just how much of it is completely made up but like. I'm still gonna over analyze this stuff. Sunk cost fallacy, don't fail me now!!!!

I joke, but the 15YL section of this chapter was legitimately bone chilling. That barrage of cuts following Uehara's attack on Airi…. fuuuuuuuck, man.

Airi herself is pure fucking poison this chapter too and I mean it in the best way. I continue to be incredibly impressed with how OnK understands the motivations of a person like Airi what her abuse of Hikaru is really about. When discussing this in 141, Miyako points out just how often victims of abuse can themselves go on to perpetuate their own pain out of a need to try and regain their dignity, but I think what Airi seeks in her abuse of Hikaru is control. We see how often she wields her power over him while pretending that he has as much agency as she does in their """relationship""" and it's repeated here, too; she throws the results of her own sexual abuse of him in his face as a way of permanently chaining the two of them together, all while tearing down his worth as a person as if to 'prove' he deserves to be trapped in her grasp. I've said before that Akasaka is unsettlingly good at writing toxic mothers but I think Airi has made it pretty clear that Akasaka understands and is thus excellent at writing abuse and abusers in general, and for someone like me who counts that as one of their favourite Themes (tm) in fiction, I feel quite well fed.

The abuse Airi hurls at him is also interesting from a perspective of paralleling Hikaru even further with Ai. We saw snippets of this in 140, of Hikaru characterizing himself as someone desperately trying to construct a version of himself that can be loved by others the same way Ai creates 'Ai of B-Komachi', a version of herself who can give and receive love in the way she thinks her authentic self is unable to. Airi puts this into more explicit words; Hikaru must construct this fake version of himself because there is no 'real' him and thus, he is inherently unlovable. Jesus Christ.

Knowing those words were swimming around in his head, it makes the HKAI scene that follows even more of a gutpunch than it already is. It's the most wonderful kind of miscommunication tragedy - with their respective traumas, there is basically no other way a talk like that could have gone and yet it's agonizing to see it play out. Ai's innocent cruelty in the face of Hikaru's pain and her suffocating smile… the worst part is, while I completely understand why this was so shattering for Hikaru, it's impossible to miss that this was, in a way, an expression of love from Ai; it was honesty, an admission of vulnerability. She herself even says she doesn't want to lie to him. But to Hikaru, what else could that have sounded like but a confirmation of his most godawful fear?

that said. the timeline here is very confusing. this seems to imply hkai were still dating all the way up to the murder-suicide, which seemed to be just before the dome concert but did the breakup really seem that recent during their phone call?? this whole timeline is penised beyond repair.

The art in this chapter in general is incredibly good but something in particular I want to highlight is how much and how often Aqua-as-Hikaru looks like Ai in these panels. I can't put my finger on what it is, but that similarity always makes me feel so warm and sad whenever I see it. For as much as he struggles with his relationship to her, Aqua really is his mother's son through and through.

and. man. what even is there to say about that scene in the rain and everything that follows. I was't sure if the murder/suicide was going to be featured in the movie but even the brief snippet of it that we got and that barrage of scene titles and Kamiki's silent scream… whoof. shit like this makes me really hope we get to see mengo illustrate a horror manga someday because i think she would absolutely kill it.

We cut back to reality to see Aqua reading the script and in perhaps the most interesting swerve in this chapter, we see that he has once again reverted to his double black hoshigans. And uh, am I going to sound like a terrible person if I say I'm really glad for this? LOL.

Obviously I would rather Aqua not be experiencing Suicidal Ideation (Bass Boosted) 24/7, but it's kind of a relief to see that one single conversation wasn't enough to totally shake Aqua out of that headspace. I've talked a lot about how frustrating I find it that 'Ruby finds out Aqua is Gorou' is treated as the finale to her black hoshigan arc and every ongoing thread, internal and external, attached to it was dropped like a rock with no further interrogation. It robbed Ruby of the opportunity for some really important growth and, imo, was just shitty for Kana and Memcho who were treated extremely poorly by her and got no apology for it. I was really worried this would be the case for Aqua as well and that his own dip into that rancid headspace would end on a wet fart which would really sting given just how little insight we've gotten into him this arc. But this chapter makes it clear that while some cracks have started to form in his armor, he's not in the clear just yet.

i mean, even if he was permanently back to one white star, aqua is such a little freak regardless………………………….

What this means in the long term is a little hard to pin down, both because we've had so little insight into Aqua's headspace this arc and because the exact nature of black hoshigan as a symbol has always been a little Calvinballed, but in this context and for Aqua specifically, I think we can read this as his conviction in the messy endgame of his revenge play being shaken up. I, personally, have been reading the black hoshigan as of late as an expression of the sort of futureless despair that can become suicidal ideation, at least for Aqua; since immediately after Ai's death, we have gotten incredibly strong hints that Aqua is suicidal, his guilt-fueled desire to die and his desperate want to experience a happy future at war within him. He more or less explicitly says as such in 106, expressing that this break in their relationship is necessary for Ruby to be able to live on 'after he's gone' - which strongly implies that Aqua's revenge play is intended to end with his death.

Knowing that Ruby is Sarina wasn't quite enough to shake his conviction, but their talk in 143 was. I do think Ruby just giving him some straightforward affirmation was a good starting point but I also can't help but wonder, with the context that his white stars were not indicative of a permanent change, if hearing just how deeply Ruby still relies on 'Gorou's' presence in her life struck a nerve for him. Paraphrasing her from 143, she straight up says Gorou is the one who gives her life meaning. And if that's how it is, what exactly will happen if he's gone again..?

Obviously this is all still speculation because even when I am begging on hand and knee Akasaka is refusing to give us Aqua introspection but at this point I have to make a guess at SOMETHING if i am going to say anything remotely coherent about aqua in this arc, so

ANYWAY!! AQUA AND KANA HAVING A NORMAL ASS CONVERSATION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN GOD KNOWS HOW LONG!!! Ngl, it did give me a bit of a chuckle to see Kana voice the question of whether Aqua was getting too immersed in his role, given that people were accusing her of that back during the first round of the RBKN conflict.

I was also really surprised to see Aqua just outright say that yeah, he is at least flirting with suicidal ideation. Like - that's the first time he's said that out loud, to anybody??? In 143 he voices the less damning but still not great sentiment that he feels guilty for being alive but this is to my knowledge the first time Aqua has expressed his suicidal ideation out loud, let alone to anyone else. And… fuck, man! That's an absolutely terrifying thing to hear a friend say. No wonder Kana reacts like she does.

Because of my powers of Claire-voyance (read: basic pattern recognition and being in fandoms for 15+ years), I'm pretty sure people are going to be Very Mean to Kana about the way she chooses to respond to Aqua here but honestly? Not only did this tough love response feel very IC for her, but the clumsiness of it felt very honest to me. I think a lot of people in fandom lately just want characters to talk like fucking therapists all the time and have the Correct And Unproblematic Response to… well, situations like this. But Kana is an 18 year old girl who has her own share of issues and her friend she knows is dealing with his own huge amount of baggage just casually dropped an "i wanna kms" on her. All things considered, I think she handles it surprisingly well.

Because like… look at what Kana really says to Aqua here. She gives him some of their usual banter to diffuse the tension but then makes herself very clear: she does not want Aqua to hurt himself and makes him promise that he won't. It's clumsy and rough in the way Kana often is, but I think the important part - her sincere care for Aqua as her friend - really does shine through.

also cute that other people caught: Kana squishing Aqua's face seems to be an intentional callback to one of their on-stage interactions in Tokyo Blade, right down to Aqua making a identical scrunchyface to Kana. Extremely cute. I love it when Aqua is cute <3

Kana also being a person able to shake Aqua out of his black hoshigans also leans into something I've been hoping is going to pay off for a while now; the idea that Aqua's salvation is not going to come from any one, singular character but from the many different people who Aqua has built relationships with coming together when he needs them to support him. One of the things OnK has continually highlighted is the way isolation and lacking support systems warp and damage people's mental health and I think it would play excellently into that theme to have Aqua's support net, so to speak, to be wide enough to catch him no matter where he falls.

the product placement was very stupid but i did laugh pretty hard at it and then immediately go buy myself some potato chips so i guess it worked. genius mangaka aka akasaka.

All jokes aside, the note their talk ended off on was so lovely too. Aqua being honest enough to admit that being with Kana is fun and Kana getting all dokidoki and then quietly admitting she feels the same when she's alone… cute! But more than that, it highlights something about the AQKN dynamic I think is really important, regardless of whether their relationship is romantic, platonic, in laws, mlm/wlw hostility or whatever else; Kana is his friend and he can just be a normal boy and have normal fun with her without any ulterior motives. It's something Aqua doesn't really have in any of his other relationships so getting a reminder of that and what it means to Aqua was really good.

honestly i think i am just so starved of nice things happening to my son that seeing him opening up to one of his friends and admitting he has fun (HIS LAUGH!!!!!!) was like a shot of heavenly ambrosia for me. please can hoshino aqua have just one nice day.

OR UH… BASED ON THAT LAST PAGE…. PROBABLY NOT ANYTIME SOON….!!!

this is what i mean about this chapter giving me 5000000 things to talk about. kamiki is TALKING TO RUBY IN THE FLESH FOR THE FIRST TIME and i almost completely forgor.

why is he dressed like a dad about to take her out on a fishing trip, though

Ruby looks unusually solemn while she's praying, which is interesting. She's been pretty bright and high energy since 141ish so I'm curious what has her looking so comparatively dour. She's praying at a shrine, too, which means there's probably something on her mind. Nik (@akane-kurokawa) theorized that she's anxious about the upcoming scenes in the movie (LIKE, YOU KNOW, HER MOM'S DEATH) and until we get further insight on that, that's what I'm gonna assume too.

putting aside how Shrimptresting it is that Kamiki turned up out of nowhere like that, I can't help but note a certain horrible parallel between Uehara meeting young Hikaru in the rain with a black umbrella and Kamiki doing the same for his daughter…

cannot wait for that entire talk to get offscreened. lol.

break next week……………………………

[matchingbatbites]

you're the inspiration

@steddie-week Day 5: Established relationship This starts out kind of panicked, but it does have a happy ending!

Eddie knows he isn’t brave. He knows how to stand up to bullies, how to make himself seem big and untouchable, but actually having to face danger, something that could cost him his life? No, he’s a coward all the way. He’s spent the last few days more afraid than he’s ever been in his entire life, the only relief being the familiar faces around him, helping him navigate this nightmare. 

Every single moment of fear from the last week is overshadowed when he hears Robin Buckley’s terrified, wailing “Steve!” from the Munson living room.

He moves without thinking, rushing to the living space from the bedroom with Dustin hot on his heels, and his heart stops when he sees Steve standing in the center of the room, eyes white and unseeing.

Robin is frantic, her hands hovering over him like she wants to grab him but is afraid to. "We- We need a tape! Springsteen or Tears For Fears or something!"

The others start digging around in their bags, trying to find an appropriate tape, but Eddie knows that even if they find one, none of them will work. He shoves his hand into his pocket and pulls out the tape he had thankfully grabbed from the stereo in his van, and prays that it’s dry enough after his unexpected dip into Lover’s Lake as he crams it into the nearby cassette player. 

The kids are talking over each other, almost unintelligible as Eddie lets the tape rewind as much as possible, trying to get back to the first song. When he presses play he’s flooded with relief as he hears the familiar sound of Peter Cetera.

And I know, yes, I know that it's plain to see

We're so in love when we're together

He cranks up the volume to it's max and shoves it as close to Steve as possible while leaving it plugged in, sending the rest of the group into silence.

Robin looks at him, and her fear thaws a little, hope taking its place as she realizes what song is playing.

Dustin’s eyes snap from Steve to the radio, to Eddie. “What are you doing? He doesn’t even listen to this stuff!”

Now I know (Now I know)

That I need you here with me

From tonight until the end of time

Eddie ignores everyone else as he steps closer. He can’t stop himself from reaching for Steve, he needs to touch him, needs to bring him back to them. He marvels again at how Steve’s face was made to fit in his hands, and Eddie finds that he wants nothing more than to hold it for the rest of his life. 

He mutters a soft “Come back to me, baby,” that goes unheard over the sound of Chicago blaring from the nearby speaker.

You should know

(Yes, you need to know)

Everywhere I go

Steve starts to lift off the floor and one of Eddie's hands slides around to the back of his neck, trying to keep him grounded. He needs to break through the curse Steve is under, needs to stop it, and he barely notices Dustin grabbing onto one of Steve’s arms as he starts to sing along, trying to coax his boyfriend back to reality. 

“You're always on my mind. You're in my heart, in my soul.”

He can't lose Steve. They haven't been dating long - fuck, they haven't even hit six months yet - but Eddie knows that Steve is it for him. 

Dustin had opened his eyes to the change in Steve's heart, and after a few run-ins with the former jock he had seen it himself. He made a point to get to know this new Steve, away from prying eyes or people who might cause him to be anything less than his genuine self, and Eddie fell ass over tit in love with what he found.

“You're the meaning in my life, you're the inspiration."

The younger had eventually opened up to Eddie about his relationship failures, about how sometimes he feels completely unlovable, and Eddie took a risk. He made the leap, offered to be the one to love Steve if he would just give Eddie a chance.

Surprisingly, Steve had agreed, and Eddie followed through. He loved Steve recklessly, even as they kept it secret for their own safety, even though Steve didn't feel quite the same at first.

Now, they like to joke that Eddie fell fast, but Steve fell hard. 

"You bring feeling to my life, you're the inspiration."

It was the smallest thing, in the end. Eddie made him a gift, a mix tape lovingly dubbed the Sunshine Mix, and Steve had cracked a joke about Eddie titling it like that to trick him into listening to metal. 

"No tricks, angel. Just some songs that make me think of you."

They popped the tape in right then, and Steve had seemed pleasantly surprised when Chicago started flowing from the speakers of Eddie's van. Eddie grinned at Steve's wide-eyed expression as they sat through the first verse, and he couldn't help but join in with the chorus, singing directly to Steve.

"Wanna have you near me, I wanna have you hear me sayin'!"

And in that moment, three months into their unexpected friendship, one month after Eddie started to love Steve without abandon, Steve just- Kissed him. He reached over and took Eddie's face in his hands and kissed him, more gentle than anything Eddie had ever experienced. 

When he pulled back he was looking at Eddie with stars in his eyes, and the older could feel his heart skip a beat as Steve sang to him softly.

"No one needs you more than I need you."

Steve blinks and white gives way to warm hazel, and Eddie barely catches him as he falls back to Earth with a gasp. Eddie holds him tight as they tumble to the ground, and Steve grabs him in turn as a sob rips through him. 

“Eddie.”

“I’m right here, sweetheart. I’ve got you, I promise.”

He presses his face into Steve’s hair as he rocks them gently, eternally grateful when he hears Robin shooing the teenagers outside with a soft “He’s okay, just give them a minute.”

They’re going to owe everyone an explanation, and Eddie is already preparing himself for the menace that Dustin will be when he finds out that he's the reason Steve and Eddie even started talking.

For now he just holds Steve, fingers digging into the denim of Eddie's vest that Steve is still wearing because Eddie was supposed to be getting him a shirt to change into.

It takes a moment for Steve to calm down, for his breathing to return to normal. He laughs wetly as the song fades out and Toto starts to play over the speaker. 

"Do you just keep this tape on you all the time?"

"Course I do. You never know when you might have to save your boyfriend from evil wizards from an alternate dimension."

Steve laughs again and pulls back enough to look at Eddie's face, and they shift a bit so they're sitting more comfortably.

"Hi," he mutters. 

Eddie can't resist leaning in, nudging their noses together gently. "Hi yourself. You scared the shit outta me, baby."

"M'sorry," Steve replies quietly, and Eddie presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth. 

A sharp “Henderson!” comes from outside, and Steve and Eddie both jump when the door slams open hard enough that it almost bounces off the interior wall. Dustin barrels inside and practically throws himself onto Steve, nearly in tears as he asks “Are you okay?!”

Steve laughs softly and pulls the kid into a tight hug. “Yeah, I’m okay. That bastard has nothing on Chicago."

Dustin grumbles something into Steve's shirt before he pulls away, and the others start filing back in as he looks between Steve and Eddie and says "Explain."

Edde glances at Steve, who shoots him a look. “How about we get through this, and we’ll tell you everything, top to bottom. Deal?”

The kid is hesitant, but eventually relents and allows Steve to pull him back into his arms, and Eddie is only a little uncomfortable when the other teens join the pile, each needing their own reassurance that steve is okay.

He just lets it happen, pulls the whole bundle of them closer as they take a moment to calm down before the real terror begins.

[jess-moloney]

I’ve said this before but I’m going to say it again . For context Jamie and I both follow the same account that talks about mental health recovery and sobriety recovery . In my case it’s for SA whilst Jamie’s is for sobriety . But I know what content he likes on that account and all I’m going to say is that it’s so fucking obvious that there are relationship issues. Even when Jamie doesn’t post it on his story I can see which posts he likes and yes you guessed it. Half of them are about him feeling unworthy of being loved healthily , of his “partner” not realising how deep rooted his fear of being unlovable is , of his deep rooted traumas , of him feeling the need to satisfy his partner through sex , and obviously struggled with sobriety from before he got sober through relatable memes to after . But Jamie regularly engages with this account (as do I) which means these issues are clearly ongoing . So to those Jess stans with this evidence in mind please shut the fuck up . You’re just causing second hand embarrassment and I will throw hands because unlike you pussies I’m not afraid to chat shit to your face instead of behind a screen . And for the last time all Josey is doing is exposing the fucking truth . Please get a life instead of Simping over a fucking troglodyte who literally had to buy her face and body . Thank you . Josey we love you . And if you want me to send the posts as proof best know I will

They love to ignore anything that doesn't fit their narrative. They can't explain why Jamie stopped being public with her when he was fine with it before (other than claiming it was my blog that made them go private when Jamie had already stopped taking her places before I even made my blog). It's pretty obvious that if a couple goes from being super public to very private then something is up with that.

It can't even be because of my blog and the reason I say that was Jess had been getting hate comments well before my blog was made. Comments that she left on her Instagram page, she didn't delete or block these people. Even then, there were very very few people leaving hate comments I maybe only ever saw a handful. I don't think this suddenly privacy is due to my blog. I think it's due to whatever happened at YSL (which, once again, was before I even started posting) and how it's all clearly been going downhill for them since that happened.

I don't know why anyone would irrationally stan someone's nobody wannabe girlfriend just because they think it's the right thing to do. I definitely don't understand how some people take it to the level they do. I guess it's easier to live in denial than face reality and that reality is that Jamie and Jess aren't this magical end game romantic goth couple these stans want them to be. I just feel bad for Jamie since when he finally does leave Jess creepy people like this are going to have a massive fit about it and he's going to have to clean up the mess, because we all know she doesn't care.

[theerurishipper]

Serious question, I hope this doesn come across as salty. But Marinette, when S5 started, kinda hard core rebounded on Chat Noir cause she was afraid of her feelings for Adrien. Now after how hard S4 hammered down on Chat's love for Ladybug being to blame for every issue LadyNoir ever had and her going so far as getting seriously physical because of it in Glaciator 2, her then rebounding on Chat like that in S5 and not even bringing anything of the past up was... iffy for me, so I personally was glad that Adrien moved on and turned her down.

But my question in this is: if Marinette's feelings of affection for Chat Noir were this much blown out of proportion because of her actual fear of being with Adrien and ALSO her fear of being unloved, then how... long would the LadyNoir relationship even have lasted if Chat Noir had reacted the way she wanted him to?

I'm not saying she didn't develop genuine feelings for him at all, but I wouldn't exactly say she was truly in LOVE with him either? Several anons have already brought it up, she has yet to really treat him as if he truly exists underneath his mask? I suppose the celebrity crush from Elation is then indeed spot on?

What do you think would have happened if Ladybug had "gotten her way" with Chat Noir and LadyNoir had happened? If I see it realistically, I would say they would have been very happy for like a week or two before Marinette would have noticed that her romantic energy isn't matching Chat Noir's anymore (he of course would have noticed too and gotten worried), and that she, well.. rebounded on the one person she shouldn't have rebounded on and now.. the situation is REALLY fucked and she eventually has to break his heart again by having to owe up to only really having had these intense feelings for him because the boy she is actually in love with (Adrien) returned her feelings and that scared her.

Cause I think (or rather I HOPE) she would have been honest enough to tell him, even if it would have broken his heart and messed him up, and not kept a one-sided relationship alive by forcing herself which he would of course notice since Marinette ain't subtle, until it blows up in their faces even worse at a later point.

Picturing her having to nervously break it to Chat Noir that she's taking back wanting to be in a relationship with him again after around 2 weeks, but trying to reassure him anyway that she does love him, just not.. like THAT, and that she's sorry. Gosh imagine how hard Adrien/ Chat Noir would just emotionally shut down after that or even right in front of her, starring at her heartbroken, not being able to do anything else?

That is genuinely fucking me up just imagining it. I'm just so glad Adrien as Chat Noir shut that down right immediately. That would have resulted in nothing else but ripping his heart out again after season 4.

No, you're right. I feel like that's exactly what would have happened. She was fixating on Chat Noir so much because she was trying to push away her feelings for Adrien (like, the episode basically beats it into our heads with the subtlety of a sledgehammer). So, what you've said would be exactly what would go down. She'd realize that she'd just been using him as a way to get over this other boy, and she'd have to break his heart. So for once, I'm glad they did what they did and didn't take the worst possible route.

Of course, I wish it hadn't happened because Adrien suddenly decided the friend he'd gone to the movies (Glaciator 2) with and had a supposedly romantic dinner with at her home (Weredad) and taken to his date meant for Ladybug (Glaciator) is suddenly "just a fan" and I don't like how the writers made him fall for Marinette in literal seconds, but it almost makes it all seem better knowing that they could have done worse, which I wouldn't put past them.

Thank you for your ask!

[ikosburneraccount]

What surprises me is how many black swifties I've seen (men and women). I wonder why they would be a fan of someone like Taylor.

answered under the cut: (this is also the second to last ask abt swifties that i'll do)

Sorry this took me ten bajillion years to get back to you. I finished the rest of the semester and then got sick but this ask never left my mind. Also, sorry for the spelling or grammatical errors. I'm still sick and too lazy to edit rn and wrote this in one go.

Black Swifties piss me OFF for so many reasons. and it has to do with the fact that they're black and Taylor isn't.

Going off of Taylor's music and music alone, the reason I CANNOT get into her music whatsoever is because of her. A majority of her songs are inspired by her heartbreak from previous relationships. She draws upon this pain in a self exploitative manner and uses this raw, confessional voice that so many people find comfort in. FINE.

But I can't Taylor seriously when she sings about feeling undesirable, or broken, or insecure, or anything to do with her relationships. She doesn't write music for me, meaning: how the fuck does she really know about being undesirable, or worthless, or unloveable.

Taylor Swift literally could've been a model: she's tall with a willowy build reminisicent of supermodels; she has blue eyes and blonde hair. What does SHE really know about being unloveable, undesirable, invisible and always the last choice?

I'm a black girl. I know what it's like to be ugly, in a raw, real, true undesirable way. I know what its like to never be good enough. To be invisible to someone I like: its all I EVER knew growing up. What does she know, growing up resolved to the fact that confessing is pointless because I'd never be desirable, anyways?

Taylor Swift's music came off as so...distasteful to me because of it. Because not only is she desirable because of the simple fact that she's a white woman, but because she's THE white woman: blonde, tall, fit, with blue eyes that every Y/N in every Wattpad story you've ever read has. She's THE standard for being an attractive woman.

But in the same breathe, I guess that's why her fans of color find solace in her. Because even the most objectively desirable woman feels this way too, right? But she's been in relationships. She's been kissed, she's had sex, she's always had a point, in sometime or someplace or somewhere, even it was brief, that she was desirable and loveable to someone. I can't or many other Black girls can say the same. I know too many that have never been in relationships, who've never been kissed, who've never had someone express desire in them. So many Black girls and women only know pain.

I don't think Taylor could ever capture the pain of that heartbreak. Of knowing that no matter what you could do, no matter how beautiful you've made yourself to be, you'd still never be desirable. That before you were even a possibility that could be born, you were and will die being viewed as Ugly. You never could and never will be enough.

So back to Black Swifties: I don't understand how any Black people, because of the reasons stated above, support this woman. I cannot find any place in my heart to go ahead and express sympathy, or feel empathy, towards this woman who's greatest pain will be the rejection from someone who at least, for the briefest moment, could say that they loved her. At least someone found her attractive enough to date. Attractive enough to be desired. I can't say that. So many Black people, Black WOMEN, cannot say this.

It feels wrong and feels fucking stupid to feel bad for a woman like her. She's a white woman and seen as beautiful because of it; the whole world will pity her for her heartbreak. The only reason they don't is because of what she's done as a person. Not because of how undesirable she is for who she was born as. They will never blame her undesirability for who she was born as.

SO I think Black Swifties look stupid as fuck crying and defending this woman. You are a Black person calling this white woman with blonde hair and blue eyes a 'queen.' Do you not see how BAD how this looks for a Black person? To openly worship a white woman, one with BLONDE HAIR and BLUE EYES? And then they get upset when other Black people state openly that they do not trust them! Because I don't either.

I'm not gonna sit here and feel bad because she's heartbroken. I'm not going to coddle her or cheer her on. I don't care. Swifties only prove my point that everyone will come to her beck and call to comfort her. Because she's a white woman and she will always be the perfect victim because of it. She is the last person who deserves to be comforted by me.

There are so many people who will never be seen as the victim. There are so many people born as aggressors of crimes they will never commit. There are people whose existence threatens the existence of an unjust state. There are so many people who will live and die without a single person to cry for them, to care for them. So it seems fucking stupid to be another person to care about this woman that millions of others will tend to. Especially as a Black person pouring emotional care into a white woman who will never, ever do the same. To a white person who will never, ever give a single fuck about you.

And none of this is taking into account how racist Taylor Swift is either. Like that's the worst part about this: is that this is just from the optics and her music.

So yeah. I think Black Swifties are fucking stupid. Especially those who continue to support her after she dated that bigot who jerked off to Black women being sexually torture. She dated a guy who got off to that and she KNEW he got off to that. So I view Black Swifties as [redacted redacted redacted] and have no self respect, so I'm not going to respect them either.

I fucking hate Black and POC Swifties. Learn to love yourself bc when you do, you WILL stop stanning that woman.

The end. of answering this ask LOL

PS I made an anti taylor swift blog. it's @notyouraryang0dd3ss and you can follow me there instead

[cabin10diaries]

so anyway. burnt out by leanna firestone is so leo in caleo

longer fun silly lyric analysis below cut <3

* just for fun + lots of personal interpretations

- i want to start this by saying i personally do not think calypso is unlovable. thats just the song. i believe that her habit of flaking on leo is due to abandonment issues (’leave before they can’ sort of situation), her berating him is just needing to be a better person.

"I've never felt this warm as I did / When you touched me, gave me / Goosebumps from head to toe"

so this is when leo and calypso meet. leos never felt any romantic love, whether it was forced or not. hell he's barely felt Any sort of love. he was loved by piper and jason, but it always felt like he was the extra, so it never felt right. unlike when he meets calypso, who can focus all her love on him whether she wants to or not. and when leo realizes shes fallen in love with him, the first one to Ever, he feels like he's never felt before. loved

"But a love made of matches / Was destined to burn out / And end up in ashes and smoke"

'matches' meaning forced/fake - the curse on calypso's island played with her feelings. she accidentally fell in love out of convenience. they cant last bc neither planned to be in this relationship, neither discussed what they want out of life, and because of their differing wants, they cant last.

"Still ambers remained / And I tried to re-ignite them / Ended up playing with fire again / You pushed me away / And I fought and I stayed"

calypso constantly flakes out on leo. she wants a life outside of him, but he so desperately wants to stay in hers. he keeps trying to be in her life, but she doesnt let him

"But maybe I should have listened / Because you're right, I couldn't fix you / You're right, I shouldn't have tried to"

'fix you' is so leo. he is a mechanic at heart. the way he understands people is thinking about them in more mechanical terms, and calypsos 'broken', so he wants to be the hero and 'fix' her by showing her the love that always left her. calypso doesnt want to love leo, or for him to love you. you see that as she constantly berates and leaves him, over and over and over. and leo finally realizes shes right, he should just stop. hes tired, burnt out

"Your pride, is what you're concerned about? / Is "you're right" really all you wanna hear right now?"

personal calypso interpretation, but she hasnt been faced by any opposition for years. she literally only talked to a guy every few centuries. shes a little stuck up, although not on purpose. she thinks shes more right than currently alive mortals simply because shes been alive longer ('older = wiser') even if she hasnt contacted civilizations in years

"Well, you're right, I should've walked away faster / I should've known / You'd only break my heart after I was already in love / You're right, you aren't good enough"

leo stayed with calypso for far too long, after she started taking every chance she could to insult and avoid him. and hes too tired to be kind; calypso was right. she isnt good enough to love, just like odysseus and percy made her think. leos hopping on the bandwagon of her past lovers, making calypsos worst dream come true. she truly is unloveable (of course, she isnt, but thats what the song interpretation is making it out to be)

"I kissed your scars even after you hurt me / And I held your hand even when you fucking burned me"

even after calypso insults leo, berates him, leaves him, he still loved her. he still make time for her and found ways to show her his love. she never did the same. she cut him out of her life as best she could. leo kept her in his, trying to show that he still loved her, and always would, no matter what she did to him

"Do you know how embarrassing that was? / To stay with sombody who hates you because / You hope things get better / You hope that love can / Turn a monster into a man / But it doesn't and it won't / Because you're beyond repair"

leos done with calypso. he loved her, and all he got was disdain in return. ‘beyond repair’ - another mechanic leo thing. he treats people like cars, like inventions, thats how he understands them, and he’s starting to think calypso’s too broken. she cant be fixed.

“But there are still someone for me somewhere / Who will treat me so nice, you'll wish that you did / For someone so smart, you're so fucking stupid / To think that I'm really that dumb / I love you, but I'm done / Pretending this was gonna work / Pretending loving you didn't hurt / Pretending that it doesn't burn / When you think you're always right”

he still loves calypso. no longer romantically (if he ever did love her romantically) but he cant put up with the lack of love or even acknowledgement from her. hes confident enough now (bc of the love from jo, emmie, etc waystation) to know SOMEONE will love him. he will be loved someday. its just that the someday isnt today, and the someone isnt calypso.

“'Cause you're still stuck on your past / You hate 'em so much but / You're just like your dad”

atlas left her. he never went to calypso’s island for her. neither did percy, or odysseus. they all abandoned her. and what was she doing now? abandoning leo, just like atlas, like percy, like odysseus. shes copying their habits, and shes just like them

“You smothered every right that I've ever had / By holding on too tight / And it's suffocating / And I'm longing to breathe again / And in the middle of it all / I ended up losing who I am”

while calypso was barely around, the mental hold she had on leo was there daily for him. her comments- insults- roamed in his head. he barely knew who he was without calypso anymore, because he based himself and his self-worth on her.

“And I know that you tried / Gave it all that you had / And being a monster / Doesn't necessarily make you bad”

maybe this is leo trying to reassure himself, maybe it’s the truth. maybe calypso did try as hard, maybe she didnt. but leo knows that, regardless, this relationship doesnt make up who she is as a person. she is still someone outside of how she treated leo. even if she doesnt know who she is, either, leo knows she isnt defined by the actions towards him

“But even if we could stable it back together now / We both know that you can't / Light a fire that's already burnt out”

they can be friends. they can be family. leo would even settle for acquaintances. but both know they cant be in love again, if they ever once were

[snowonthebeachmp3]

Bestie feel free to share your thoughts of Taylor's use of marriage in her discography 👀

ok so! in her early discography we see marriage presented as the accepted default for girls to aspire to in their romantic relationships. we get ‘he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said ‘marry me juliet, you’ll never have to be alone’’ and ‘take me back to the time when we walked down the aisle, our whole town came and our mamas cried’ and ‘you were gonna marry me cause we were happy’. but on fearless we also begin to see it as a preoccupation which comes an easy second to pursuing her dreams of being a successful singer-songwriter: ‘back then i swore i was gonna marry him someday but i realised some bigger dreams of mine’. she returns to this theme later on in midnight rain: ‘he wanted it comfortable… he wanted a bride, i was making my own name’.

by speak now, some of taylor’s peers are beginning to get married themselves. but in this case, what she’s really interested in is crashing the wedding and running away with the groom, and mocking the stereotypes of a big white wedding (although this comes from her distaste for the bride, rather than any particular criticism of the institution itself). so we get ‘she is yelling at a bridesmaid somewhere back inside a room wearing a gown shaped like a pastry’ and ‘the organ starts to play a song that sounds like a death march’. the wedding is silly, but only because the bride is an obnoxious bridezilla about to marry the object of taylor’s desire.

then later on she has to grapple with marriage as a potential weapon used to lock her into a toxic relationship and stifle her ambition and personhood. we get lyrics like ‘bad omen, dragged my feet right down the aisle’ and ‘your picket fence is sharp as knives’. she didn’t want a diamond ring from him - she IS the diamond (diamonds in my eyes, i polish up real nice, a diamond’s gotta shine). i also see some parallels to the affair in ivy - the narrator is trapped in an unloving relationship with her husband, she’s able to find brief snatches of happiness with her secret lover, but it’s clouded by fear (what would he do if he found us out?)

meanwhile on lover, she finds long-term romantic fulfilment (take me out and take me home forever and ever) without needing marriage as a prerequisite to complete their relationship. the bridge intentionally mimics wedding vows, but at the last minute, instead of referring to a husband, she swears to be ‘overdramatic and true to my… lover’. paper rings also plays around with wedding imagery while emphasising that the formalities aren’t the most important bit.

finally we get some direct critiques of the expectations which society places on women in particular with regards to marriage. in champagne problems, others decide that the narrator ‘would have made such a lovely bride. what a shame she’s fucked in the head’ - if she doesn’t want to get married, that’s a problem with her. and of course midnights has just given us ‘all they keep asking me is if i’m gonna be your bride, the only kind of girl they see is a one-night or a wife’ and ‘no deal, the 1950s shit they want from me’. she’s just enjoying existing in the lavender haze, why can’t people let her be? marriage is something she will take or leave on her own terms, nobody else’s, and what truly matters to her is the relationship itself.

[kath-artic]

tyler stuff

idk. being the baby of the family made me become obsessed with the idea that when I got older i'd finally have the language to express everything I was feeling, to really truly connect with the people around me. I understood all of the conversations happening around me, I just wasn't old enough to have the lived experience to contribute anything meaningful. one day I would. one day I would have the perfect words. the thing I failed to account for was that time was moving for everyone else too. at that age, you don't fully appreciate the looming threat of death. you know what it is, but you don't really get that it's not just there for the old and the famous. maybe that's just me--my mom had kept me pretty sheltered growing up with regard to stuff like that. she was so afraid of me being taken away after the incident at the hospital. I didn't even know I was born with thc in my system until a few years ago and even then I had to wring the information out of extended family members and eavesdrop on conversations. I don't even think my mom knows that I know. stuff like that is why our relationship was always so strained--i felt like I wasn't allowed to go to anyone for help and I didn't understand why. That's beside the point though, the point is that I was 12 meeting someone who would quickly become my world. I admired him in every way and I couldn't wait until I was old enough to express that to him. until I was old enough to have those perfect words. I was 15 when my brother came running down the stairs, phone in hand, and just said that Tyler was gone. he'd overdosed on heroin and there was no brain activity. all at once I was confronted with the fact that i'd never be able to tell him those perfect words and that those words were right in front of me the whole time. I love you. his parents were deadbeats who never gave a fuck about him, but he was my brother. he was my brother and I never told him that. it was only a few months later that I got into my first relationship. I was spilling over the sides with "I love you"s for a man who did nothing but assault and belittle me because there was nowhere else for them to go. then my last real relationship--he was so afraid of loving me. so afraid of the expectation, that I might come to want him forever and that he wouldn't be able to live up to that. he was afraid that I'd want more of him than he could give, afraid of hurting me, afraid afraid afraid. he was the first person I ever had consensual sex with and I remember he almost didn't go through with it because he was afraid i'd feel used if we broke up in the future. we never made any future plans because he was afraid of committing to being together for any longer than the present moment. when we said I love you for the first time he told me he didn't think we should ever say it again because he was afraid that it would become an expectation and that i'd feel unloved if he ever forgot to say it. he was wonderful to me in so many ways, but I can't keep pretending that this didn't hurt me. when we broke up I remember pausing from crying to laugh and say "well you cant stop me from saying I love you now." I said it until it lost meaning, until my phone was nearly dead and he told me I should go inside and be near my friends.

i think i've always really liked the way David Lynch portrays evil as an extant thing partially because its how I feel about love. the love I felt for Tyler and for my exes still sits on the edge of my bed every night. the love I feel for the people I haven't even met yet is there too. the momentary love I feel in interactions with strangers is there too. it all wads up into this big ball of energy that I drag around everywhere I go like some kind of sisyphean boulder. I cant wait to see the next face it'll put on, but until then i'll continue sitting in bed whispering my "I love you"s to no one in particular

[algolagniaa]

actually fuck it I’m posting it anyway. who gives af about a tumblr reputation

a couple years ago I was very deeply in love with somebody. like the strongest feelings I’d had for anyone since my relationship with my ex fiancé ended. and I talk a big game about not giving af about anyone but the reality is when I care about someone I REALLY care about them, like I am EXTREMELY all or nothing about it as Jess could tell you lol. and I was not quite recovered from being not only cheated on but also told (well I read it in Levi’s diary but same difference) that they’d never really loved me or been attracted to me at all and only got with me bc they didn’t think they could do better basically. so basically I was very emotionally fragile at this time and the fact that I had opened my heart enough to love again was a pretty big deal

and this person knew how much I cared about her. and one night she got really drunk and confessed her love to me in a big grand gesture that lasted literally an hour. and talked about how wonderful and beautiful and smart and kind I was, and how she wanted to marry me and have a big wedding so everyone could see how beautiful I was, and how she loved me so much and the reason she did xyz things was all to impress me but she couldn’t believe that I could also love her. and also she told me she shouldn’t be telling me any of this because she was going to take it back the minute she was sober, not because it wasn’t true but because she knew it wouldn’t work out between us so she was going to deny it all in the morning. and the reason it wasn’t going to work out between us was because her parents didn’t approve (did I mention she was a trust fund baby) and also because I don’t wax my eyebrows and that’s a dealbreaker bc my natural eyebrows make me look ugly. but she was also basically begging me to say that I also thought we were just like a fairytale and it was this big overwhelming thing and then in the morning she said she’d lied because she was trying to drink herself to death and it would’ve made a good story.

and it WOULD have made a good story if I had stopped talking to her on the spot. only I didn’t. because I wanted to believe that everything she had said was true. she did say she was going to deny it after all. and by the time I figured out it definitely wasn’t true - well at that point she and I were really close and she’d done a lot to show she was sincerely sorry for what she’d done and I still kept her around. and I just tried to push down how shitty and unlovable she’d made me feel. because after Levi I hadn’t felt like anyone could love me. and then somebody did, and it was that. and we spent years in the most fucked up situationship of all time that eventually became an admittedly pretty good platonic friendship but I never fully got over it and am only really processing it now after she did some new fucked up shit to me.

and I’m in a relationship now with the best kindest most wonderful woman of all time who makes it clear every day how special I am to her. and I’ve also had poetry written about me and artistic nudes done of me without me like specifically posing for it or anything like I’m obviously not some undesirable wench. but I feel like one constantly. when I’m with Jess I don’t feel like that but when we’re apart I start wondering how long it’s really going to last. I read tumblr posts about being a femcel loser virgin or whatever and I think “oh that’s me” even when my pussy is actively sore from having sex. like. it’s insane. but between her and Levi I spent p much my entire 20s in that mindset when I really didn’t have to. and it’s really fucked up. and I don’t mean to make myself sound like an innocent victim because I have continued to choose the circumstances that make me feel like this, but also it’s really fucked up that someone made me feel this way because I don’t and shouldn’t have to. and I don’t know how I’m going to get over it like I actually don’t know how to rebuild my self esteem from here.

also - the girl I’m talking about reads my tumblr and will definitely read this. and I’m not even going to bother hiding it from her tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️ kind of hope the guilt keeps her awake at night

[2012wannabe]

Fiction and Non-Fiction

wc: lost the official wc but I’m pretty sure it was 831

cw: rape/coercion, past abusive!owen × abby. In this au Owen groomed abby and when they got together she was 15 and he was 21. If your reading this and you went through something similar, it's 100% not your fault! This is just a reflection of how she (I) felt. Replaces the boat scene essentially.

also shoutout to that one anon I replied too like a week ago I think, I really hope you like it!

Notes for my fanfiction

Abby hated Owen. She hated him and the way her stomach burned with embarrassment. She was supposed to be strong, she scolded herself.

She wasn't supposed to be worn down by him and she definitely wasn't supposed to have sex with her ex-boyfriend who was not only dating her former best friend but was also expecting a child with said girlfriend.

She also loved him. Oh, how she loved him.She just wanted him to wrap his arms around her and tell her that it was going to be okay. He loved her too, even if his version of love contained some unlovely things. The night's events triggered some less-than-happy memories of when they started dating and Abby couldn't escape.

The feeling of his hands all over her much thinner, much weaker body, and his weight on her were things she didn't think she would ever be able to forget. If anything she wished she could. She wasn't ready, she said no. Her brain clouded with the memory, remembering how he had asked her to have sex and sat next to her, wearing her down until she gave in feeling sick as he kissed her. Just the night before, he had done the same forcing his lips onto hers.

"Owen, I said no."

"C'mon Abby, just a quickie."

"What about Mel? You can't do that to her.”

"She's never going to know."

"You have a pregnant girlfriend," her eyes narrowed.

"Either way l'm tired, you have no fucking idea what I went through today." She frowned, crossing her arms. He kissed her again and Abby felt tears prick her eyes. She put her hands on his chest to push him away but he wasn't deterred. Exhaustion plagued her entire body and this was the last thing she could ever want.

Despite her pleas and pushes, his body was on hers and she just closed her eyes. Just like she had done many times before, when she closed her eyes she liked to imagine that it wasn't real, simply just a bad dream. It was fiction and any moment now when she opened her eyes she'd be in the safety of her bed under her blankets.

He kissed down her neck slipping his hands under her shirt feeling around her waist and touching her breasts over her bra. He undressed her with a weird sense of gentleness and she felt a pit settle in her stomach.

When he finally pushed himself into her, she couldn't help but let the tears fall. Please let this be over soon, she thought as she shuddered. He wasn't big by any means but that didn't stop the pain that radiated into her thighs. When he finished, just the feeling of his cum on her skin made her snap.

“You got what you wanted, now leave me the fuck alone Owen." He chuckled at that and Abby just wanted to strangle him, to get back for all the times in their relationship when he had forced her including that night. Why do I even try to do shit for him?

Now the next morning, she could do nothing but lay in the make-shift bed staring at the ceiling. There was no one to tell, and even if there was what would she say? That she was weak and had sex with him? She rolled over curling her legs into her chest. Abby wished her dad was there with her. If he was he would hug her and let her cry, help her get up and get ready while telling her that wasn't her fault and she was the strongest person he knew. Her tears fell and she wept, crying into her hand to not make any noise.

[trkstrnd]

i don’t like it.

i don’t like it at all, truthfully. i think it’s stupid and petty and developing carlos just to do that is in my opinion, a cop out for tim to get a big reaction.

but at the same time, as much as i hate to admit it, and maybe it’s because nothing can make me love him any less, i get it.

meaning, i get why he did what he did when he was younger. he was a people pleaser, and his parents wouldn’t even talk about it. as far as he thought, he was doing the right thing, making everyone happy because he self-sacrifices. that’s what he does. he knew he was miserable, and she knew it too, and to comfort him, and make him feel some kind of normal, they did what they did.

that being said, and i know i say this millions of times and i will say this until my last fucking breath: the writers (tim especially) are some of the stupidest, incompetent writers i have ever seen. and there are bad ones. they spend all this time creating this character just to tear him fucking down for a gotcha plot point. give them a fucking break. i mean, we started season three with the breakup, and now season four with this.

and yet thinking about carlos, no matter how hypocritical, it makes sense. it makes sense because he always fucking self sacrifices and maybe he convinced himself that he doesn’t deserve tk and deep down tk knows that. maybe he didn’t tell him because he thought that it wouldn’t be necessary information because the whole reason why he married iris was because he thought no one would love him. having someone that does just wasn’t anticipated because he feels unlovable, even in the best relationship of his life.

i still think of there ever was a time to tell tk, it would have been the engagement, but tim needs shock for views.

it absolutely rips my heart to shreds seeing people coming away from tonight’s episode talking about how they can’t look at carlos the same, that he will never be the same, and i get it, but i guess this is just a youthful outlook. i don’t care. i have made my peace with it, he is still my boy, and he has flaws (and if i get anyone in my inbox screaming about how big of a flaw/mistake this is i will fucking lose it), and they will, eventually make him stronger.

please don’t give up on him yet. i’m begging you.

[daenerysoftarth]

Blargh. Ok so I purposely didn’t hit on my roommate or pursue anything because I knew she is more than a little Messy, and that she’s definitely more into men, and she gets attached to guys quickly it seems like. Which okay cool. Even without addressing the issue of if she would be interested in the first place, I’m not looking to be someone’s lap dog while they have a real boyfriend.

but anyways. last night happened. we both got super drunk and she suggested we play truth or dare and I think she’s hot and I’m bored so I say sure. anyways. we end up kissing on a dare. then game progresses. I’m too drunk to go downstairs but need sleep so I climb in her bed. at this point other roomie carries her into bed. she’s freaking out bc of this guy that dumped her. I’m comforting her. i don’t remember what happened but somehow we end up making out more and almost almost having sex. i wanted to but half of me was nervous af, and the other half made me realize we were wayyy too drunk. and she says she finds me hot but still has feelings for other roomie no 4 AND apparently she fucked roomie no 3 who has a girlfriend???????????

idk it’s stressing me out

but I’m fucking desperate and have horrible self esteem that like I still kinda want to take what I can get, even tho I do deserve a better situation than this. but it’s a terrible idea. but didn’t stop me from texting her that I didn’t care if she hurt my feelings bc I’m patheticcccc

tbh I don’t even really want a relationship with her. we’re not interested in the same things or alike in any way. but I still feel used tbh. and idk. it just makes me remember how much I want that, ie a loving partner who I can fuck all the time. and it makes me remember how much I miss sex and how. idk. how isolating the pandemic has been and how fundamentally unlovable it made me feel.

but also!!!! I’m horny!!! and a fwb thing kinda sounds nice rn!! I just am horrible at separating my emotions from sex so idk if it’s sustainable. but fuck it, that’s what ur 20s are for

[cookinguptales]

1-2-3-7!

https://www.tumblr.com/cookinguptales/752727268420452352/music-asks-these-are-actually-pretty-fucking-hard?source=share

oh I forgot I did this ummm

sorry all these answers got long rip

1: A song you like with a color in the title

YO LISTEN UP, HERE'S A STORY--

okay look I won't do that to you even though that song slaps every bit as hard now as it did when I was nine.

ummmm serious answer, probably Under A Blanket of Blue by Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald. A few years ago, I wrote an incredibly long WWDITS fic where Nandor went on his journey and Guillermo eventually found him... I didn't finish it; s4 came out and kind of put a damper on all that, but it still has a very special place in my heart, and that was the song that I used for the title.

I had Nandor's first stop be in America and I thought... well, if I had to say one thing in America is really worth seeing, it's probably our national parks, and the Grand Canyon is kind of emblematic of that... So in the first chapter, I made Nandor take this cross-country Amtrak train so he could ~see America~ and he was still really crabby and depressed about Guillermo abandoning him and this little old lady took him under her wing and taught him how to get his frustration out via cross-stitch. I actually made a whole cross-stitch pattern for that fic, haha. But they talked to each other a lot on the trip (she couldn't sleep, so she was always up pretty late) and he learned about her life and the people she'd loved and lost and it ~really made him think~. Then he finally got to the Grand Canyon and flew out to one of the areas where people aren't allowed, right in the middle, and camped out on one of the little plateaus and looked up at the stars and felt monumentally small in a huge world. And I was thinking about that song as I wrote. It ended up becoming a thematic song for the whole fic.

Also last year I listened to it while watching a meteor shower and it was really nice. :)

2: A song you like with a number in the title

Seventeen (Heathers the Musical)

Seventeen (Reprise) (Heathers the Musical)

Ohhh I really like this musical, and Seventeen is a banger. While the original song is beautiful and fun to sing, my favorite line is actually from the reprise, "We can be seventeen, we can learn how to chill, if no one loves me now, someday somebody will."

Because... so much of the show's message really is about the cruelty of youth and pushing through all that to be kind anyway. To find meaningful relationships anyway. And not to allow yourself to become too cruel and too cynical to find those meaningful relationships. You're not unlovable, you're just a mentally ill teenager. And even if it feels like things are untenable now, life goes on and we can make that life kinder for everyone until you do find that place you belong and the people you belong with. :')

3: A song that reminds you of summertime

Hmm. This is more an artist than anything. There's a Japanese singer that I've enjoyed since I was a teenager named Suga Shikao. I think some of his work used in anime is best known, but all of his music is really kinda chill and funky and I really enjoy it. Sooo many of his songs feel like summer. Kind of hot and sticky and slow and laid-back.

Boiling it down is difficult, but I think I'll go with 午後のパレード (Gogo no Parade -- Afternoon Parade), ８月のセレナーデ (Hachigatsu no Serenade -- August Serenade), and uh. June. That last one is about the month but also a person named June, lmao.

(I'm including the kanji because that's how these songs are listed on Spotify if you want to find them.)

7: A song to drive to

uhhhh well I cannot safely drive due to my tendency to pass out at random intervals, but I am a slut for a road trip and I usually end up controlling the music while we drive. My dad and I go on a lot of really lengthy road trips and I play a lot of music while he drives. Some of it's music he likes, some of it's music I like. This is the one I play when I want to make him laugh.

Movin Right Along (The Muppet Movie)