#my initial thought that i have my own very mixed feelings about myself

[youcantrewind]

Having a show theory that you initially thought was so obvious that you expected to go into the tags see it everywhere and then........ not seeing anyone talk about it or suggest it at all in the rare time the topic is even getting acknowledged... is like...

you're not sure if you should feel totally off base for having that thought to begin with, if you're the only one thinking it,

or if you might just be on to something, now you're scared to put it out there because you don't want to accidentally spoil people who would have otherwise been surprised by it had you not suggested it

[bellanothadidloa]

I've been receiving a lot of inquiries since sharing my success story, and while I'm not planning to start a blog, I do want to address some common questions here.

Did I manifest everything from the void?

Yes, everything I listed was indeed manifested when I entered the void, as outlined in my story. I've had some successes with various experiments before, but none reached the level of my most recent attempt.

What was the most crucial factor in achieving the final breakthrough?

I wish there was a straightforward answer, but it probably boils down to the realization that no matter how much I complained or cried, I was determined not to give up. I would read success stories and find myself in tears because they mirrored the life I aspired to have. I wanted to shift realities, be wealthy, happy, and beautiful—it might sound vain, but that's what I desired. I longed to feel free, unbound by any world, and to pursue my own path. Who wouldn't want that? At some point, I asked myself, would I still be trying to shift at 30, while struggling with dietary issues caused by gut praxis disorder? If the answer was yes, what did that mean? It meant I wasn't going to give up. So, I kept trying different things, knowing that eventually, something would work. Inner work is essential, but I believe it's inevitable. The longest journey I've seen took seven years. Do I want that for myself? Absolutely not, but what if it happens? The very acceptance of that possibility means you're not giving up, so what does it matter?

What method did you use?

As I've mentioned, I've tried every method. The final one that worked was the morphic field. I don't really care whether it was the morphic fields or something else that clicked within me. As I mentioned earlier, I realized I was sad, but I knew I wasn't going to give up, so I let myself be sad. Who cares? Let me be angry; I'm still not giving up. So, why fight those feelings? I cared and was disappointed and scared, but I just decided to trust in the fields because, in the end, it didn't matter whether they worked or not. I wasn't giving up.

How do you feel now that you've achieved your dream life?

I've managed to transform my life and self-concept, and along with being incredibly happy, I feel a mix of sadness for everything I endured and pride for how I pushed myself before succeeding. Initially, I thought it would be hypocritical to say I love myself after I changed everything about myself, looks and life, but I realized this is my life, and I'm still the same person, just with desires that now align with my reality. Why would I want to be unhappy in a life that makes no sense to be sad in? I don't believe anyone deserves or doesn't deserve anything. Do what you want, pursue inner work if you wish, or just manifest your desires. Personally, I didn't feel the need to do the inner work after manifesting my dream life, but I know some people do, and that's beautiful too. Life is just beautiful.

How to mend your relationship with the void?

The only advice I can offer from my experience is to acknowledge that you're not giving up on it. It reminds me of toxic relationships where despite infidelity, they say, "I know where home is." Unlike those misguided people, the void genuinely serves its purpose and supports you. It already knows its home is with you, whether you realize it or not, and that's all that matters.

How did you exit the void state ?

Exiting the void was a simple experience for me. I simply took a deep, calming breath and set a clear intention to leave. The sensation that followed was like tunnel vision, where everything around me seemed to narrow and focus. This was followed by a profound sense of detachment from any sense of self, almost like becoming weightless or losing a sense of individual identity. When I finally opened my eyes, I found myself in a completely new room, confirming that I had successfully transitioned out of the void and back to reality with everything on my life

Did everything you wanted come true?

Oh, absolutely—and then some! I ended up getting things I didn't even know I wanted. The way I look now is even better than my Pinterest boards ever dreamed of. Like, I had this idea for how I wanted my room to look, trying to mash together different vibes and aesthetics, and it turned out way better than I could have pictured. I was stuck between wanting a curvy figure and that sleek Bella Hadid look, but somehow I got the best of both worlds, which is exactly what I was hoping for.

I wasn’t even thinking about changing my eye color, but it happened, and I absolutely love it. I thought I'd revise old friends, but instead, I found new, amazing people who fit into my life perfectly. Now that I’ve got a better sense of self, I see this is exactly what I really wanted deep down. Everything just fell into place so perfectly, and it feels like I've finally got a handle on what I truly wanted all along.

Can you manifest things for other people?

Well, yeah, but it’s kind of like it's really just about yourself in a way. I mean, there have been times when I managed to manifest things for my brother, but oddly enough, I struggled to do the same for myself. It's weird, right? I don't fully understand how manifestation works in every detail. I just kind of go with the flow and assume it works the way I want it to. If I can pull off all these manifestations, then why not just trust that I can manifest whatever I want, however I want it? That's the mindset I've adopted, and it seems to work for me.

What's it like being a master shifter?

It's like waking up and remembering who you truly are, and almost laughing at all the suffering you experienced. When you think about it, you might have lowkey created that suffering yourself, which is kind of sadistic, but instead of holding onto any negative emotions about the journey, I just appreciate my life more. It’s a mix of joy and bliss. I still remember my old life, sure, but somehow, this new reality feels just right. It's like destiny exists, and I’ve finally found mine.

This concludes everything for me, and I’ve decided I won't be continuing my blog any longer. I've shared a lot of helpful insights in the past, but I won't be actively posting from now on. Thank you all for the love and support. I’ve reached a point where I no longer have a reason to continue here, and soon, you won't either. Goodbye and take care!

[commonwealthcass]

Greetings again

i was wondering how deep you got into the Fallout show and if so what do you think of it so far? since im a bit mixed, mostly due to me being a FNV fan and just weirded out by some decisions in the show, but what do you think, also how Cass would react to this new Ghoul, also wanted your opinion on Raul

Hey there! I’m actually a big Fallout NV fan myself and, tbh, I was very skeptical of the series when I first heard that it was in development. Video game adaptions don’t have the best track record and initial shots had a lot of people making speculations about sneak peeks we were given like Lucy visiting a town that some people thought looked like Megaton. I went into watching the show without any expectations and was pleasantly surprised at how faithfully they had tried to make it - it’s good for people who aren’t familiar to Fallout but also had enough nods that give us long-time fans a treat. I’ve had a couple friends say they were sharing the show with their parents and grandparents, which I think is pretty neat!

I think so long as you keep the mindset that this is its own thing. The last episode exceeded my expectations and I’m looking forward to the next season but I get it might not be everyone’s cup of tea. Still, I do think that the showrunners did do a good job of constructing something that feels like it would belong in the universe.

Raul was my buddy in NV and I loved his story arc. We find him pretty self deprecating and suffering from survivors guilt when we find him in Black Mountain. Getting him to open up about it and take on the vaquero outfit I felt was really rewarding. Probably the companion I traveled the most with besides Boone.

Also, I think Cooper would, in typical Cooper fashion, would definitely make a big impression for sure…

[crispycreambacon]

Ending April with a small parting gift. I’m gonna miss this.

Anyways, an announcement of my own.

The short of it

I’m leaving the Watcher fandom. Don’t worry, I won’t be unfollowing anyone, but I will be ceasing the creation of art for Watcher and interaction with the community at large. Thank you all for this short but meaningful ride. Feel free to unfollow me if you were here for Watcher art, and for those who stick around…

Thank you :]

I hope to not disappoint with this new era of mine.

The long of it

It’s been a couple of days since a certain channel dropped an announcement that imploded its fandom. It was… a mess. A lot—and I mean a lot—of us didn’t handle the news well, and we made that known to everyone. The impact was so massive that YouTubers, who are nowhere near the niche that Watcher operates under, covered the situation, and some of them explained very well why the decision went over so poorly. Meanwhile some of them made fun of the situation, and some were just there for the clicks, but that’s the cycle of YouTube drama for you.

With the amount of ears waiting for even a peep out of their mouths, Watcher couldn’t ignore the backlash any longer and released an apology video three days after the announcement. By all accounts, it was a pretty good response. The reception was mixed, but it was definitely more well-received than their first video, and they actually listened to their fans who gave them valid criticism over the sudden shift to a streaming service.

However…

For as much as I appreciate their response, I still can’t find it in myself to continue following Watcher. I really mean it when I say this disaster soured any enjoyment I had for them. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to watch them again for a long time without thinking about this situation or remembering the people they have hurt, even if unintentionally, through their poor execution of a business decision.

Do I believe they could’ve pulled off moving their content to a streaming service? Absolutely. However, so many factors doomed this decision and their announcement from the start from them believing that $5.99/month was “affordable to everyone” (seriously?) to them insisting that this was for the fans even though the fans have vocalized that they were never there for the high production value. They were there because the three guys who run Watcher were enjoyable!

I feel like if they had been honest about the fact that the TV quality they are aiming for was more for themselves than anyone–hell, it’s the mission statement in their About page, and, I don’t know, considered the idea that $6 is not cheap, especially for international fans, people wouldn’t have gotten so angry at them. Now, there are still numerous issues plaguing this business model, but to go through all of the arguments would require a separate post, and I’ve already expended too much energy on this situation. Needless to say, Watcher has burnt their bridges, and it will take a while before they can build them back up again, let alone get people to trust them enough to cross them.

On the other hand, I can’t blame Watcher fully for my departure. Despite my heavy disagreement with their initial decision, I understand why they thought this decision was a good idea in the first place as YouTube is a very unstable career path, and it would rather hurt its creators with its relentless demonetization, censorship and restrictive guidelines than give up just a tiny amount of its profit. Besides, they’re in control of their content, and they could do what they want with it even if their fans disagreed with them.

Speaking of the fans, my god. The situation revealed a side of the fandom that I never thought I would see, but in hindsight, I should have seen it coming. To see fans resort to anti-Asian racism and death threats so quickly was extremely heartbreaking, and as an Asian person, it made me feel very unsafe and unwelcome in the community.

Moreover, using Steven as a scapegoat to absolve Ryan and Shane of any wrongdoing was unfortunately a very common response. Yes, he is the CEO, and yes, his series being centered on traveling and eating expensive food really doesn’t paint him in a positive light, but need I remind you that RYAN AND SHANE ARE GROWN ADULTS. They’re the founders of Watcher, and they both have to agree to the initial plan for it to be implemented. You can’t assume that Steven was a boogeyman terrorizing your precious little boys just based on a 15-minute video. You don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes.

All of this to say that the initial announcement combined with how the community reacted violently to the announcement really nipped my interest in Watcher in the bud. It was a shame too because I really did love Watcher, and I still do. Had it not been for the time I invested in following them, I wouldn’t have made great friends, regained the joy in creating art–even reviving a hobby/skill that I assumed was long dead, and had a reason to be able to laugh or smile even in terrible days. I truly am grateful for Watcher, and I do not regret ever getting into them at all. However, I think it’s time for me to go.

Thank you all for this weird and wonderful ride, but at some point, you’ll have to hop off. I just didn’t expect to hop off it so soon.

[sophie-frm-mars]

hi! are there perhaps any thoughts youd like to share with someone navigating the early days of a BPD diagnosis? its not necessarily a call for advice, given that it's hard to do without knowing the specific situation and also youre just some lady, but rather that youve been very open about your experiences and research on the topic of mental disorders, so id be interested in any insights youve acquired through it that might be valuable for someone who's starting to properly step into the pool of psychiatry for the first time in their life and has a very interesting mixed bag of feelings about it.

ps: needless to say, im super excited about your upcoming essay.

thanks!

Sure absolutely

I was diagnosed with BPD for the first time over a decade ago and the most immediate thing that helped me was DBT, because the skills that you have to learn in DBT really are just a handbook for how to be a person, which is pretty great. I didn't have the level of independence and control over my own life at that point to be able to really build the life worth living that would help me the way I have today, but doing DBT after my initial diagnosis was still the single biggest change in my happiness, my general attachment to reality, how I treated others and everything else that mental well-being comprises. I also didn't have a very good therapist, we just didn't vibe.

This year I've been doing DBT again after realizing that grief, trauma from being in an abusive relationship and work stress sent me into a mental health spiral that involved me doing bad irresponsible kink with people and treating people pretty inconsiderately. I was derealising, paranoid and otherwise detached from reality for a lot of 2023. Looking back it became obvious that one of the core features of BPD, the "unrelenting crisis", had never stopped for me and that I hadn't made a life that really helps me be stable and secure in who I am. This year I've had more control over my world than I did when I was a university student, so I've thrown myself into DBT wholeheartedly. I know that a week where I'm not doing everything on the ABC PLEASE checklist is a week where my mental health is compromised and I need to either slow down and rest or get back on the checklist immediately. I treat it with life or death seriousness, because early this year I would have died if I had carried on how I was or if I hadn't been doing DBT. I also have a really good therapist now.

Get friends who will tell you honestly when you've done something wrong but who still love you the same and listen to them. Be aware of what your support network looks like. I have a Sophie's support bubble discord that people are in because of how immediate my crisis was, but as time has gone on things have relaxed and I usually talk to people one on one more

[denial-permanente]

This is more of a question for Tom. Do you feel more confident when you are wearing the larger strapon? I know most men (myself included) have a deep seated feer that our cock is not "big enough" to properly satisfy our partners even if they are perfectly satisfied with our size. Our strapon is just a bit larger than I am, but when I am wearing it I just feel more confident. My wife notices my new found confidence and finds it quite attractive. I just wanted to know both of your thoughts/opinions on it.

As always, I love your blog and it has been quite the inspiration for both me and my wife. Keep it up.

🔏 This is a fantastic question. First, let me give you some background.

While I was not worried about my (very average) size, I have to admit that years ago when we got into "foxing" (ie, me wearing the strapon), I was afraid that if we bought a dildo much larger than I was, I'd either be locked longer than I really could stand, or that Mrs Edge would no longer be satisfied with "just me" again. That's how we ended up with the Vixskin Tex - a very average model that was just about my own size and shape. We stuck with the Tex for many years.

In 2018, after a little break, we got back into keeping me locked for a long term, and the Tex was back into the game. However, unlock previous long term lockups, this one went on... and on... and at some point, Mrs Edge found herself realizing that this could become permanent. By the fourth year, we both realized that this was going to go on forever. The knowledge that I wouldn't have to worry about measuring up after being unlocked made me think that a large one could be even more pleasurable for my wife.

I didn't surprise her with it; instead, I suggested the idea, gave her time to think about it, and we went shopping on the Vixskin site to look for a replacement. We ended up with the Ranger X - essentially a scaled up Tex. The Vixskin X line adds a thrid layer for even more realism, and we justified the expense because it was going to be the only one we would end up using.

On paper, the Ranger was only an inch longer and a half inch thicker, but in person it seemed much bigger (In fact, my wife later told me that she wasn't sure if she would be comfortable with it). And indeed, I had to learn - relearn - how to use it, because unlike the Tex, this did not feel like "me" to either of us.

Two weeks later, in the throes of passion, my wife told me that I could "throw those other ones away." It's been two years since that happened, and there's no longer any question about this being permanent.

That was the back story. The Ranger X is "me" now, both to my wife and to my own thinking. I don't even fantasize about making love to her any other way. And neither does Mrs Edge.

I'm not sure if "confident" is the word that I would use. I was never really worried that I couldn't please her when we had sex. That said, I do feel intensely satisfied after I give her several good orgasms and she has to tap out. Who doesn't enjoy giving pleasure to their partner?

But I still have a lot of mixed emotions over all of this. On one hand, I know that I will be locked and denied for the rest of my life. Yet, when @mrs--edge reminds me of this, I still get butterflies in my stomach at the idea of being "replaced" by the Ranger. On the other hand, I don't feel denied - that is, I do not feel like I am missing out on anything, and I still initiate sex even though my caged equipment won't be a part of the action. I look forward to it, even without the physical sensation or the orgasm. And I think that my wife, like yours, notices this and responds positively to it. She certainly seems to enjoy our time together. 😉

[cursed-blade-gf]

First Impression Best to Worst Boss Fights in Shadow of the Erdtree

DLC has been out for a minute and I’ve done my initial runthrough and taken as much as I could from it. Suffice to say, I did love it a lot and thought that it has a solid amount of staying power. This list covers the main bosses only (and a few notable side bosses) and as usual, unless you don’t care about SPOILERS, I recommend not reading past this point:

Midra, Lord of Frenzied Flame: Now, already, I feel like people are gonna disagree with me. Hear me out. When I first hit this fight, I was like “they integrated a PVP-centric status condition into a boss fight. How is that fair?”. And then I thought about it for a second. No fight style makes this fight easier. No weapon, no spell, no armor makes this fight easier. It is as you see it. This man’s attacks can cover almost an entire room, snipe you from a thousand miles away, his melee attacks hit like a train, and builds up your Frenzy, which can leave you vulnerable and chunk your health and FP. But, he also is easy to stagger, he doesn’t move very fast, and his attacks are telegraphed a year in advance. It’s perfect. He doesn’t have a ton of health, but he is absolutely savage. He’s what difficulty SHOULD be and the sigh of satisfaction when you beat him is REAL. You can’t really cheese or simplify this boss beyond KILL HIM and it’s so refreshing to find a boss that no matter your choice of loadout, Midra will keep you on your toes in the most horror game-like way. Also lore wise, the vibes in this entire area were unsettling and immaculate and the “Eyes of Sauron/Winter Lantern” enemies actually made me jump in that horror game fun way and I adored it.

Messmer, The Impaler/Base Serpent: Now, this was the fight I forced myself to learn through sheer force of will. I literally slammed my head against this man for a day because I knew that the only thing that was killing me was my own arrogance and IT PAID OFF. By the end when I finally beat him, I adored this fight. This man lets you fucking have it, but at no point did it ever seem unfair or bullshit or, hell, even free. This fight is a perfect mix of cinematic, difficult, and a riot to learn and improve at and I genuinely look forward to this fight each playthrough now.

Rellana, Twin Moon Knight: A scaled-up version of my favorite base game Dark Souls 3 boss and she didn’t disappoint. Incredible fight, solidly learnable, and definitely one of the highlights of my first runthrough.

Bayle the Dread: The quickest love-hate relationship I’ve ever had the pleasure to wade through. In my first ten tries, I could not help but think “this is the worst. What can I do against this man except die?”. But the more I fought him, the more I enjoyed it and the more fair I found it. He is overwhelming, yes, but his tells are obvious and when you recognize the areas his attacks affect, he becomes a lot less oppressive. He also has the greatest phase 2 transition of all time. I mean my love for Placie has grown over the past few months, but I think Bayle edges out for Second place in best Dragon fights in Elden Ring. Fortissax takes first.

Scadutree Avatar: This fucker seems easy at first, and then he starts driving around. I severely underestimated this boss at first due to how much damage he was taking compared to everything else. Then he hits second phase and until then, I’d never been jumpscared by a sunflower before. Still not the hardest boss by any means, but definitely checks you at the door.

Romina, Saint of the Bud: I mean, outside of the obvious, I don’t know why I enjoyed this fight. Her rushdown is legendary and she deals in Scarlet Rot, so you’d think I would hate this fight. But her tactics ended up being fairly straightforward, her Rot wasn’t as oppressive as I thought it would be, and she really is such an aesthetically pleasing fight.

Putrescent Knight: The goofiest looking creature on this list by far, but this dude kicked my ass several times. He definitely came with his fair share of surprises, but he never felt overly obnoxious or overstayed his welcome. Not the most fun fight, but definitely worthy of more praise than scorn.

Allies of Miquella: Debated putting this in here because it’s more of a PVP standoff than a boss fight, but I feel it’s worth a mention. Nothing particularly exciting, but it definitely is much more of a marathon than I was expecting and a very difficult one at that. Come prepared here. These people don’t pull punches.

Ghostflame Dragons: More a mention than anything. Nothing unique, but it did force me to rethink how to fight dragons a la Darkeater Midir which I enjoyed.

Metyr, Mother of Fingers: Well, we had to hit the lower half eventually. Metyr doesn’t have a ton of health which puts her up here, but I generally dislike bosses that remind me of The One Reborn where it feels like no matter where you hit the boss, you’re still being dealt damage just for walking up to it which, I’m sure, incentivizes spellcasters, but frustrating nonetheless.

Promised Consort Radahn: Malenia without all of the charm and enjoyment. Malenia, I still firmly believe takes the cake in terms of hardest (and best) boss in Elden Ring, but Radahn did not skimp on the difficulty round two. That being said, his move set is far less enjoyable to learn than Malenia’s and often, it just felt the impressive amount of health and the absolutely unhinged amount of capable range this man has is unjustifiable. Plus, Malenia invites aggression and allows for so many ways to contest her despite her making you work for it while Radahn just hurts. Pain for the sake of improvement is great. Pain for the sake of pain is a lot less fun.

Ancient Dragon Senessax: I did not think that the thing that would make me hate a fight like Lansseax or Fortissax would be just setting the damn thing in a pool of water, but here we are. The lightning AOE’s in this fight are ruthless and are a lot less avoidable for how much they stagger on a regular day. Definitely not the worst, but not a fun development.

Golden Hippopotamus: This thing definitely killed more innocent players than real hippos do every year in real life. This thing SUCKS to fight. Camera monsters in general are just a pain, but when half of your screen is covered in porcupine quills (yes, YOU HEARD ME), this thing becomes substantially more of a drag. That and this abomination punches above its weight class and I just generally found this fight as entertaining as a mosquito bite.

Commander Gaius: Fuck this man. I’ve never had a dude kill me so consistently or so consecutively in the first 5 seconds of the fight. It’s been a minute since a boss legitimately made me yell at my TV screen and I did not welcome the experience. Also, this man had absolutely no right or privilege to ride my ass this fucking hard unless he bought me dinner first. Will not enjoy revisiting this dude.

Divine Beast Dancing Lion: Brace yourself. This is gonna be a long one. I apologize in advance. *breathe in* *heavy sigh* I’ve never actively thought any boss in any Dark Souls game was purely unwarranted or worthy of true hatred. Despite all of the bosses I dislike fighting across all FromSoft games, I always attempted to find a bright side or something like lore or environment or something to justify its existence and I had succeeded. Until I met this fucking thing. This menace didn’t have the most kills on me (that goes to Malenia and Messmer) or did anything in particular that actively exploited my playstyle (like Maliketh, Mohg, or the Crucible Duo). This cockroach merely existed and it was enough. Its body is a giant blob. Its hitbox is horrific. It punishes aggression. It punishes passivity. This thing has ranged attacks, melee attacks, magical attacks, passive effects, movement patterns, retaliatory tactics, and even him just looking at me hits like a goddamn truck. He is so hard to read and does so much damage and does the most unhinged, wtf follow-ups that I’ve ever seen with the most hairpin trigger aggression I’ve ever experienced in my life. He does frost damage, lightning damage, physical damage, I’m pretty sure there is fire damage in there somewhere, emotional damage, and mood damage. And, to top it all off, THERE’S A FUCKING SECOND ONE OUT IN THE BOONIES THAT IS EVEN FUCKING WORSE. Basilisks have been in the Soulsborne conglomerate for as long as I can remember and I’ve tolerated their existence until FOUR OF THEM WANDER INTO THIS FUCKING FIGHT AT THE BEGINNING OF PHASE 2. THIS LION HAS A DEATH BLIGHT PHASE. You know, the one status effect in Elden Ring that INSTANTLY KILLS YOU. And the best part? If you don’t kill him fast enough, HE CAN DO IT AGAIN. It would not surprise me if the same sadist that came up with the Double Gargoyle fight came up with this one. And like I said, he doesn’t have the most health I’ve ever seen, but it doesn’t fucking matter. The only thing that matters is how fast you can remove his health because he WILL kill you if you give him any leeway. I fought this thing twice and I know about as much about how to fight this thing as I did the first time I walked into its arena. I succeeded twice by SHEER DUMB LUCK. I despise this thing and if I could actively avoid it, I would not hesitate.

[animasola86]

A Filthy Fantasy: Aftercare

Notes: This ties into what happened in A Filthy Fantasy (Part 1 and Part 2) and deals with the repercussions of it. I had intended this to be a reader-revenge-piece, but, uh, something else came out. Please enjoy my probably deepest dive into the personality of Sebastian “I didn't mean it” Sallow.

Pairing: Sebastian Sallow x f!reader

Genre: Hurt, Comfort, Angst, Fluff, mentions of Smut

Warnings: Explicit language, mentions of sexual assault, red flags all around

Word count: 2.4k

Synopsis: Two messed up people. One who manipulates and then apologises, manipulating some more, and a willing victim who blames herself and can't stay mad for long. So many red flags. And still, it's a love story. A very messed up love story.

-- can be read on AO3 too --

A Filthy Fantasy: Aftercare

(For context if you don't want to the read the smut that is A Filthy Fantasy: Sebastian and reader agreed to do a rape fantasy scene (consensual non-consent) and that is kinda what happened when reader found herself being forced to things she didn't initially agree to or wasn't comfortable doing.)

Rolling onto your side once again because you just couldn't find a comfortable position to sleep in, you let out a groan and inhaled sharply when yet another jolt of pain rushed through your aching limbs.

“Are you sure you don't want to go to the Hospital Wing?” you heard a concerned voice from the other side of the bed.

“And tell Nurse Blainey what? My boyfriend tied me to a table and fucked me a little too hard?” you grunted quietly, your voice hoarse and strained because, of course, even your throat hurt. Everything hurt. “No, I'm sure the potion will work any second now...”

You had told yourself that for the last half an hour since you drank that awful concoction he had given you. Exhaling loudly, you rolled back onto your stomach. Everything hurt a little less like this, perhaps because your body remembered the position you were in when you had received all of these aches. Quite ironic.

Next to you, the mattress dented slightly and then you saw Sebastian slowly approaching you, almost tentatively, cautious, an apologetic smile on his face. He lay on his side and watched you, probably tempted to touch you, but you had told him very clearly that you needed a little time to yourself right now.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered, his low voice vibrating in your ear, sending shivers down your spine which caused a horrible chain reaction of shudders and twitches and in the end, you were groaning and whimpering again. Swallowing hard against the pain (and by doing so only increasing the pain in your throat), you closed your eyes and wallowed in your own sorrow for a moment, trying to ignore the boy next to you. “Please let me help you...” he tried again. “I can't stand seeing you like this.”

You only scoffed and breathed loudly through your nose, before you sighed. “It's not your fault,” you fought against your own dark thoughts that tried to remind you why you were in this sorry state. “I did agree to it... well, most of it... and I could have said the safeword... but I didn't...”

He moved a little closer, but he kept his hands away – and you knew he was really fighting with himself right now. “It got a little out of hand, eh?” he whispered.

You opened your eyes and looked at him, long and hard, hoping to convey all the mixed emotions you had swirling inside your heart.

“Okay, a lot, it got completely out of hand!” he quickly rephrased and threw you a sympathetic smile. “Please know that I feel horrible about it...”

“Why?” you simply asked, watching him closely. “Why did you do it?”

He frowned and inhaled deeply, then rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. “I... I don't know, it just... happened. You looked so...” You saw him biting his lip. “I couldn't help myself. And that is no excuse, I know that. But... my mind was just full of... the scene we talked about.... and what we didn't talk about... and –” He sighed, then turned his head towards you again, his dark eyes wandering over your face. “I shouldn't have done that, all of it, I shouldn't even have suggested it to you!” He rolled onto his side and came even closer, genuine regret plastered all over his freckled face.

You stared at him, your eyelids fluttering slightly. His eyes were on you, those damn puppy-dog eyes, and you felt your anger and your pain and your overall discomfort dwindling. Before he could succeed in manipulating you out of your feelings once again, you closed your eyes and exhaled loudly.

You heard him shifting beside you. “Will you ever forgive me?” you heard him ask quietly. His question lingered on your mind for quite a while, long seconds, minutes that ticked by without any reaction to it, while you considered it and thought back to what had happened.

And in your pain riddled head there was one thing that kept pushing into the foreground over and over again. “It's on me,” you whispered, voicing the nagging doubt that kept you from completely distancing yourself from the boy next to you. “I could have said anything, at any point, but I didn't... I allowed you to do this, so I... I shouldn't be complaining now...”

“No!” he said firmly and now his hand was on your cheek. Your eyes flew open. “It's not on you! Absolutely not! I... I made you do that, I made you think you wanted it, if anything, it's on me, of course! Do not blame yourself! In that kind of situation... not being able to say anything against it... come on, give yourself a break! I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you... honestly, that you're still willing to talk to me after all of that,” he paused and chuckled darkly. “I do not deserve any of it... I don't deserve you...”

You gave him a strained noise of affirmation, then quickly changed your mind and groaned in disagreement. Furrowing your brows, you clenched your jaw against his subtle touch. You were quickly overwhelmed by your emotions yet again as not only your physical aches throbbed through your body, but also confusion and guilt and regret and all those things you couldn't even name. A tear dropped from your lashes as you blinked quickly and when he moved his thumb over your cheek nonchalantly, you let out a sob.

“Baby, I'm so sorry,” he whispered and when he leaned in and pressed his lips to your forehead, you sobbed even more. He shifted closer and stayed like this, his hand holding your cheek as you felt his warm breath on your hairline. “I didn't mean it...”

The way he said it, those exact words. You'd heard it all before. Numerous times. And you had to remind yourself: this is Sebastian, he's always been like this, running head first into trouble, getting hurt or hurting others, and then he'd apologise afterwards, bowing his head in shame for his brash actions. You knew that and despite it all, you'd fallen in love with him. Despite everything!

There was no rhyme or reason, it was all in your heart, engrained in your soul, those deep feelings you had for him, because after all, he wasn't always like that. He was caring and supportive and sweet and made you feel loved and safe and made you laugh and happy. The way he would hug you, hold you close, kiss you and... more.

What had happened was not the norm. He would never treat you like that. He'd always make sure you were comfortable and alright with what he did and you usually were. And in your haze, in your bottomless love for him, you'd agreed to something that had taken it all a little too far. You could have seen it coming, you had talked about it, he had made it perfectly clear what that scenario was about, and you still had allowed it, agreed to it.

With your aches thrumming through your body, you could see it for what it was now: you had been naïve, completely gullible, and he had indeed used that against you. And it felt as if you were both at fault here. Two stupid, horny teenagers indulging in things they thought might give them a thrill, when the reality of it was so much worse.

Inhaling sharply, you swallowed the lump in your throat, not remembering the soreness of it, and you winced deeply, only sobbing more. He leaned back then, looking at you with a grave expression. Your eyes wandered over his face and you wondered if you could ever look at him without remembering the things he had done to you. Biting your lip, you frowned and looked away, more tears spilling from your lashes.

“Okay that's it,” you then heard him say and without any warning, he suddenly turned you around and lifted you onto his arms, scrambling off the bed with you. Your mouth fell open and you stared at him, too shocked to acknowledge the pain that came from his brash action. “You are in so much pain, you need more than a healing potion,” he explained, his voice low and frantic. “I'm taking you to the Hospital Wing, I'll... I'll tell her you were... abducted and... and assaulted and...”

You gasped and grabbed his face, forcing him to look at you. “No! No. Stop!” you exclaimed equally frantic. “You can't do that! Please, don't!” He stopped and stared at you, as if he had forgotten you were more than a body he could carry around with him for a moment. “Remember what Ominis said? We shouldn't talk about this any more, and he's right! You'll only get into trouble,” you told him quietly, your voice shaking badly. “And... and I don't want that! And I don't want the attention of.... of that, of being a... a victim, you know?” Your thumbs ran over his cheeks imploringly. “Please!” you whispered.

He frowned deeply, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes darker than usual. “But... but you need help... and I... I have to help you!” he urged, sounding so utterly helpless you felt almost sorry for him now.

“Lay me down, please...” you said hoarsely, trying to sound firm. “Let's just... rest... I'll be fine... I'm stronger than I look, okay?”

You watched him intently, ignoring the aching of both your body and your heart. He eventually complied and brought you back to the bed, laid you down carefully and pulled the covers over your shivering body.

You rolled onto your side, forcing yourself not to wince, and beckoned him closer. “Lay down with me,” you whispered and watched him climb into bed with you, keeping his distance, but you grabbed his hand and pulled him closer, until you could snuggle against his chest. He put his arm around you carefully, then gently rubbed your back.

“I feel awful,” he mumbled into your hair as he pressed his lips to the top of your head.

“I know,” you breathed back, holding down a Me too!, because somehow this was about comforting him now.

“I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know,” you repeated, falling back into that same old pattern of forgiving him yet again. It was what it was. That was the dynamic of your relationship. You would only see it for what it was in moments like these, where your physical pain was bigger than your emotional pain. And that clarity scared you more than you wanted to admit.

You loved him, with every fibre of your hurting body, as you had told him, and it was indeed scary how much you were willing to do and take because he had asked you to. But it was such a rewarding kind of love and you felt almost ashamed admitting to it: but whatever he would do to you, force you to do, you knew that he would be there for you afterwards, he'd care for you, cradle you in his arms, make sure you'd be alright, no matter the consequences.

It was a very twisted way of seeing things, you knew that, but you were both messed up people, you had your baggage and he had his and you shared so much of it also. It hadn't been easy these last years, but in being together and there for each other, you had pushed through and it had only brought you closer.

You took a shuddering breath and leaned back slowly, fighting the urge to wince at your aches, before you looked up at him. His eyes were immediately on you, as if he had been waiting for it. You raised a hand and gently touched his cheek, trailing your fingers over his temple, ignoring the shaking of your digits. He kept rubbing soothing circles on your back and just watched you.

“Tell me you love me,” you then whispered barely audible.

His eyebrows moved slightly upwards. “I love you,” he said quietly. “I love you more than anything in this world... and I –”

You put a finger to his lips and shushed him, knowing what he wanted to say. “I love you too,” you said instead and leaned a little closer, your nose nuzzling against his. “And whatever happened earlier, we will never talk about it again, okay?”

He stared at you. You knew he wanted to protest, but you knew better. This was how you dealt with these things: you never acknowledged them again. That was why you never talked about his uncle's death ever again, not directly at least. You comforted him, were there for him, supported him in his struggles to deal with it, but you never talked about it. And you would never talk about this either. You couldn't. Because admitting to the things that he was capable of only scared you more. And you wanted to love and cherish him and not be afraid of him.

And so you pressed your lips to his and kissed him softly, closing your eyes as you leaned into what mattered most to you at that moment: the comfort of his warm body, his engaging mouth, his soothing touches, him just being there. He kissed you back hesitantly, pulling you a little closer, just holding you.

“Okay,” he whispered against your lips. “But I'm –”

You shushed him once again. “No, it's fine,” you breathed against him, opening your eyes to look at him. “We are fine. Everything is fine.”

He pulled his eyebrows together slightly and you felt his lips trembling against yours. You didn't know if he was as keen in forgetting this as you, but like all those times before, he just followed your lead, he ignored it with you. And just like that you realized that you were just as good at manipulating him as he was at manipulating you.

Be it as it were, you were made for each other. Two messed up souls, desperately trying to hold onto the other in an attempt to not drown in the ever consuming world they found themselves in. A love story made straight in hell. But you always preferred warmer climates anyway.

End notes: Be honest, dear reader, if you were in this situation: would you forgive him? Would you just move on?

To be fair, as our reader is our HL mc, they both went through so much stuff together, I just see it working out for them because of it, if they choose to ignore it like those two did here. Always easier to suppress, definitely not healthy, but easier. And Sebastian is a walking red flag anyway and we are still all here for it, so, yes, I think this is how it would go.

No matter what he did, his lover would always forgive and forget. And you can't convince me otherwise!

I still plan on writing a little revenge piece, he does deserve that too.

[ masterlist ] [ AO3 ]

[mayajadewrites]

Levi Ackerman x Reader: Almost

Chapter Six: Coffee Ice Cream

Chapter Summary: We start off in Levi's POV, getting more insight on him and what he's thinking. He invites you over for TV and some ice cream. Nothing more. *tehe*

Fanfic Preface: Modern AU Levi Ackerman x Reader fanfic I’ve been dying to write! Levi is my latest hyper fixation so this was bound to happen. There will be other AOT characters in the mix, but remember this is a modern AU!

WARNING: SMUT AHEAD

ao3 link

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕ LEVI ☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

It's been a few days since our little incident. I didn't want to come off as obsessive, which I may or may not be, but I knew if I wanted this to last and bloom I needed to give her space to continue to be her own person.

"Mr. Ackerman, I've meal prepped for you for the next week and there's a load of laundry going." My housekeeper, Daisy, says as she fixes her apron. "Is there anything else you need me to do?"

"No, thanks Daisy." I nod for her to dismiss as I walk through my mansion.

Honestly, I'm not sure why I have a housekeeper. No one cleans like I do. I guess I keep her around for the cooking since I'm shit at that. Cleaning has always relieved my stress and makes me forget where I am in the world.

I didn't start off as a millionaire, almost billionaire. I started at the very bottom, with my mother.

We used to live in homeless shelters and sometimes strangers couches, until she fell ill because of our living circumstances. I watched my mother wither away in front of me, like a rose.

"Levi, promise me you will be something." I remember she said to me as she was taking her last few breaths. "Mommy will always watch over you."

Then she was gone.

Social services picked me up after that and I went to live with my aunt and uncle. They lived comfortably in middle class with no kids - lucky me.

I'd like to think mom would be happy with how far I've come.

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

"Levi, your new assistant starts today. Don't run her off, please." Hange gives a pleading look. "She's nice."

"Nice and competent are two separate things." I continue to jot down notes from a contract I'm reading.

"Levi, this is Juliet. Your assistant." Hange walked into my office with, who I'm assuming is Juliet. She's young, with long blonde hair and brown eyes. Conventionally attractive.

"Nice to meet you Mr. Ackerman. What do you need me to do first? Do you want me to get you coffee?"

"I don't drink coffee. I drink tea. And I get that myself." I look up from my desk. "Hange, have her go over my schedule for meetings next week and make sure everything is in order."

"Sure thing boss." Hange left with Juliet, closing my door gently behind them. I have a therapy appointment today, thankfully it's virtual. I open my laptop and sign into the portal to initiate the meeting.

"Levi! You look good!" My therapist, Maria, smiles.

"Thank you. The camera probably smooths out my skin."

"So, tell me about your week. What are you feeling, what's going on, all that jazz."

"I punched a guy in the face last week."

"Levi! What did we talk about with your anger?"

"I did think it over. I thought before I punched, and after. I don't regret it."

Maria shook her head, bringing her glasses to the bridge of her nose. "Ay dios mio, you make my job so hard sometimes."

"That's why you get paid the big bucks, right?" I let out a rare chuckle.

"Why did you do that?"

Because he was touching whats mine.

"I thought he was going to take advantage of someone."

"Who's this someone?"

"I don't want to tell you about her yet. Then that means its serious."

"You punched a man because of her, that's not serious enough?"

"No. It's not. I'm 30 years old, Maria. I've never had a real relationship so I'm navigating it the only way I know how."

"Levi, she is not your mother. You can't treat her like she is a fragile human being. She has feelings, like you, and she is her own person. Does she want to be serious?"

"I'm not sure. We're ... dating? I guess that's different from being in a relationship."

"Ah, taking things slow. I see. Well, tell me about her."

"She works at my favorite coffee shop that I go to every day before work. Except I get tea. Anyways, I've seen her almost every day for 6 months and I've had long and short conversations with her. Only recently have we started seeing each other."

"And what are you scared of?" Maria's question stumped me.

I'm scared of everything.

I'm scared of losing her. I'm scared of losing what I have. I'm scared of starting a family only to have it ripped from me.

"Levi?" Maria snapped me out of my thoughts.

"I'm scared of, a lot. My feelings scare me. I feel, protective over her. I feel like I want to savor every moment we're together. I'm also scared she's going to run off once she truly sees my life."

I'm rich, like, filthy rich. She works hard for her money, lives alone, and has dreams of opening her own coffee shop. Which I can help with.

She's used to doing everything for herself. She doesn't have a housekeeper, a chef, none of that. She cooks, cleans, and does everything herself.

Everything I want in a woman is in her.

"You can't go around anticipating people leaving." Maria tapped her pen on her notebook. "You know what I say, everything happens for a reason. There's a reason you connected with her and there's a reason you feel the way you do about her. I don't think it would hurt to explore those feelings more."

After your therapy session, I decide I'm inviting her over for the first time. I want her to see how I am, in my house, and I want to observe how she is.

Me: Are you busy tonight?

Her: If by busy you mean I have a date with a pint of coffee ice cream and Grey's Anatomy, then yes.

Me: Would you like to do that here?

Her: Here is where?

She's gonna make me work for this.

Me: Here as in my house. I'll pick you up at 7.

☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕ BRATTY BARISTA ☕︎⋆˙⟡♡☕

After getting ready for Levi's, you take a look at yourself in the mirror. Your outfit consists of leggings, crew socks, sneakers, a low cut tank top and a zip up hoodie. You can't lie, part of you wants Levi to continue what he started at your place last week. The other part of you is scared shitless to go to his mansion.

At 7 PM sharp, you hear tires roll in front of your place. By the time you lock your doors, Levi is waiting outside the passenger door for you. He kisses your cheek before letting you in the car, scanning your body.

You study the drive from your place to his - about 20 minutes. Levi lives in a rich, residential area with plenty of land to spare.

Walking into his home, it's spotless. Like, actually spotless. No dust anywhere, nothing is out of place, even the remotes on his coffee table.

"I bought some coffee ice cream and I have Netflix set up for that show already - Grey's what?"

"Grey's Anatomy. You're watching it with me?"

"I was serious when I asked you if you wanted to do that here. Can we start from the 1st episode?" Levi grabbed 2 spoons and the pint of ice cream.

"Sure." You walk over to the couch, which looks like a cloud, and sink your body into it. So this is what it's like to have money.

Levi pressed play, opening the pint. He plunged his spoon into the ice cream as neatly as he could, bringing it to your lips.

You open your mouth slowly, letting him insert the spoon into your mouth. You stare at his eyes as you lick the spoon, getting lost in the clouds that live in his eyes. He pulled the spoon out of your mouth, taking a scoop for himself.

Levi had coffee ice cream residue on his bottom lip, which he quickly licked away. You stared at his chiseled jawline as he watched the show, his eyes moving back and forth with the scenes.

Eventually Levi put the ice cream away, knowing we would eat it again later. As he sat down next to you again, you couldn't help but notice a bulge in his pants.

We meet again.

Levi put his arm around the back of the couch, leaning back so his chest was stretched out. You could see his collarbone peeking out of his shirt, along with his sculpted muscles.

"You're not even watching, brat." Levi interrupted your daydream.

"I'm watching something else." You turn your body toward him. "It's much more interesting."

"What do you mean? I think it's ok so far -" Levi directs his attention back on the tv, getting lost in the plot.

You took advantage of this moment and unzipped your hoodie a bit, exposing your cleavage. He didn't seem to notice, but he will soon.

You slide into him, making sure he can feel your body against his. He looks down at you through his jet black locks, seemingly by surprise.

"What-"

"Shhhh." You press your finger to his lips, pulling your leg over his lap so you're straddling him. "You can't talk until I'm done. I mean it. Not a word." When did you suddenly get bold?

Levi's erection was more prominent now, pulsing against your thigh. You trail kisses down his face, neck, chest, and eventually you snake down to your knees, in front of his belt buckle.

You look up at Levi, who's mouth is open like he wants to say something.

"Remember the rules, Mr. Ackerman." You wiggle your finger, unbuckling his belt. "Not a word until I'm done."

His belt slid off with ease, as you pulled his slacks down to his ankles. His dick print through his boxer briefs startled you, but you're not gonna stop now. You spread his legs, pushing yourself in between them.

You drag your fingertips down his stomach to his pelvic region, tracing the 'V' line gently. You glanced to look at Levi, who's eyes were dead set on you.

His underwear came off, and his dick slapped his abs. Your eyes grew wide from his size, knowing you might have bit off more than you can chew.

You take one hand and start pumping his dick slowly, brushing your thumb over the tip. Pre-cum leaked from the slit, motivating you to pump harder.

You take some of the pre-cum from your finger and slid it into your mouth with a 'pop' sound. Levi groans, letting his head fall back.

You bring your lips to his tip, sucking it gently while pumping his shaft. You could not take all of him in yet, but you will. Your other hand starts massaging his balls, which hitched his breath. Your tongue caressed every vein in his dick, paying special attention to the tip.

Levi finally put one of his hands in your hair, directing you on his dick. You took more and more of him in, eventually hitting your gang reflex, but you didn't care. The look on Levi's face is worth it. He whimpers as your tongue cascades along his length, the sounds alone causing him to almost overstimulate.

Levi moaned your name before you felt his dick start pulsating in your mouth and his hand pulled your hair roughly. "Where do you want me to cum?" Levi said with short breaths.

"In my mouth."

It was less of a mess that way.

That must have sent Levi over the edge. He unleashed his load in your mouth, holding your hair tightly.

You snake your body up to his face and smile, swallowing his load.

"Fuck." Levi caught his breath, kissing your lips gently. "My turn." Levi pulled you onto the couch, laying you down horizontally. "But you can be as loud as you want."

Levi slid your leggings off, revealing your hot pink thong. He played with the straps before sliding them down your legs, kissing your thighs as he passed by.

Your core was drenched at this point from sucking his dick alone, and seeing him at your pussy sent you to another planet.

He slid two fingers in without warning, pulled them out, and sucked them while keeping his eyes on yours. "What a good girl. So wet for me." Levi started pumping his fingers, curling at your clit.

"Levi.." You moan his name, curling your toes. Levi presses his hand on your stomach, sitting his face in-between your thighs. His lips touched your pussy, sending electricity up and down your body.

The entire time, his eyes are on you. Watching every face you make, listening to every moan. Levi ate pussy like it was his last meal. His tongue and fingers invaded you and made it their home instead. Your walls started to pulsate as his tongue went in and out of you, devouring every last drop.

"So beautiful." Levi mumbled against you, curling his fingers one last time before the world went away around you. The feeling is euphoric. A man hasn't made you feel like this, ever. You've pleasured yourself enough to give yourself an orgasm, but this is different.

"Levi." You moan loudly, gripping his hair, riding out your high. You could not focus on one thing - there were no thoughts in your head. Levi ate you through your high until your legs were shaking uncontrollably.

Making his way to your lips, Levi kissed you gently, the sheen of your arousal all over his mouth.

"I wish I could savor this taste forever." He groaned, putting his hand behind your neck and pressing you into him gently.

His lips moved with purpose, making sure every inch is taken care of. Your lips are plump from all the arousal, your heart feels like its beating out of your chest.

"Do you still want to watch Grey's Anatomy?"

[levandright]

hi!! i love your works so much, congratulations on 200 followers you honestly deserve them so much, and even more. i was wondering if i could get an enhypen matchup? if it’s not too much trouble

uhh i’m 5’8, i have hazel eyes, hip length blue black dyed hair with bangs and layers, aesthetic wise i’d say a mix between soft and grunge? imagine if miwako and yukari from paradise kiss had a daughter, that’s what i’m going for

personality wise, i’m more reserved. very introverted, very shy, mostly keep to myself. but with friends and people i’m comfortable with i’m quite loud and can’t stop talking. i have a sorta dry? maybe broken humor? like i find the weirdest most stupid things funny. i’ll admit i’m not the smartest but im a very big geek😭 especially for shoujo animangas, greek mythology and superheroes

my favorite trope is either enemies to lovers, she fell first but he fell harder, or dumb and dumber in love. i really can’t choose. favorite season is winter, and my hobbies are reading, drawing and watching too many series all at once. (currently watching the simpsons and glee)

thank you so much in advance, i hope you have an amazing day or night!!❤️❤️❤️❤️

FINDING YOUR MATCH...

MATCH FOUND! your match is... SIM JAEYUN

JAKE has a fun and goofy side that would align well with your dry and unconventional sense of humor. he’d laugh at your quirky jokes and add his own twists, turning every moment together into a comedic show.

JAKE might not initially be as immersed in your interests, but jake would show genuine interest in learning about your love for shoujo animangas, greek mythology, and superheroes. he’d be the type to say, “teach me about it—it sounds cool!”

JAKE matches your love for winter with his enthusiasm for outdoor activities like building snowmen or sledding. he’d also enjoy quiet evenings indoors, where you could draw or watch series together while sharing snacks.

JAKE is naturally thoughtful, and his romantic side shows in the little things. he’d send you a text saying, “i saw this and thought of you!” along with a meme or a picture of a cute notebook he bought for you.

JAKE is just the right kind of person to balance out your ambition. he’d encourage you when you get frustrated, reminding you that it’s okay to take your time and that he believes in you.

JAKE would make sure you always feel safe and loved. whether it’s cuddling on lazy days or holding your hand during a quiet walk, he’d make every moment together feel warm and comforting.

JAKE wouldd notice when you need a little extra care and would act on it by making your favorite snack or suggesting a movie marathon to help you relax.

☁︎ your custom playlist ☁︎

☁︎ lev notes : tysm for your words <3 i hope you like your match up anon + the songs i picked for u :) ☁︎ curious about other matches?

[accirax]

initial thoughts on DCAS episode 7

very notable that this was within the context of being about "love" specifically. (at least) one-sided trevek canon? (i'm not even a huge trevek shipper i just think this whole plotline is funny)

okay, so Yul's foot injury IS real. or at least, he's using it as an excuse to complain. still, the fact that it was brought up again an episode later makes me think that it's going to have SOME relevance to the plot.

any time that Yul has to parrot something in Emily's "you go girlfriend ;D" manner of speaking i cackle. he didn't choose the home decor saying any time is wine time lifestyle, the home decor saying any time is wine time lifestyle chose him.

Grett i am... genuinely confused. how can you possibly think that Yul is actually in love with you? did you really receive THAT little love in your home life? you have no ability to distinguish catty and fake praise for your accomplishments from real ones because your family gave you THAT little recognition? man. now i made myself sad :( ily Grett

okay, confirming that 1) it was Tom's trap, 2) they are willing to eat squirrels, 3) Tom is serving as the provider for the Cyan tribe. all things to take into account for any upcoming Cyan eliminations.

why

and how does said boyfriend feel about you kissing another man on television, Tom? this is a stupid lie.

again, why? it's probably already apparent from my earlier comments, but i changed my mind; i'm fully with Jake in this argument now. sure, Jake is really insecure and overly emotional, but what the HELL is Tom doing? making up a boyfriend is a really shitty thing to do, whether Tom had a legit reason for not calling Jake these past two years or if he didn't contact Jake due to his own mixed feelings/indifference. in either case, he should have told Jake the truth. at least when Jake was acting immature in S1, he was 24. Tom is a nearly 30 year old man. ACT LIKE IT.

Fiore slay

this is a really interesting response due to how vague it is, including in the vocal performance. was he taken off guard by his boss being nice to him? does he believe that she's telling the truth? does he feel bad for Trevor, or will he come to believe that he IS way better than Trevor? i'm glad that they're continuing on with the concept of the hosts having a plotline, because imo that was one of the highlights of S2, but they aren't doing it in a way that eats up as much of the screentime as it did in S2.

if Will was out of the picture i would be shipping these two so hard. who am I kidding, i kind of still am anyways.

Ally's other gf is here :,) glad that they got to reconnect (and neither of them were eliminated for it)

Fiore slay

the confirmation that Aiden thinks that the idea of him having any attraction to Tom is laughable and disgusting is HILARIOUS to me. bro really said, "why the hell would i be into YOU when i have JAMES lmao" straight to Tom's face. tbf, James and Tom are like... opposites in terms of personality and appearance (beyond being generally handsome and athletic young men).

"silly me, i keep forgetting that not everyone met their super cool and attractive boyfriend on reality TV. my bad!" (/pos)

(i tried to type "hubby" instead of boyfriend but i spared you all. it was too cringe even as the one subjecting others to the cringe.)

okay this was very fitting for her. iconic.

honestly, Alec and Riya's villainous alliance/friendship is really fun. leave it to Alec to always find himself in the least likely but most entertaining duos. Riya really benefits from being paired with a legitimate strategist, and someone who won't just let her totally get away with stuff.

we had to get in one last Fiore taking unnecessary damage for the road :,(

feeling like Jaiden is going to be winning the starting couples' survival roulette. and Wishley, to the extent they count.

now i'm no physicist, but how did this work? shouldn't the ball be a fast and heavy enough object at this point that it would jump over the log, not ricochet off of it? i suppose if the ball is made of something more like wicker than yarn, it could be a bit more likely to do that. but then why is it going to the side? it hit the log straight on!

... are you not allowed to help him anymore? what?

ellie is going full villain mode fr. if her and gabby's relationship gets messed up, that would definitely be karma. but, i suppose she survives this episode...

this is funny because nobody strikes me as the pizza and soda loving type. Alec, Grett, Yul, and Riya all seem like people who would want to eat something that's both fancier and healthier.

communication W (for both of them)

Fiore is such a best girl that she's not even a salty juror. she's not mad at them for so long that she can't use her final moments to throw a wrench in the works for everyone else. the grind never sleeps, clowns <3

and she even conquered her greatest nemesis, the bus, this time. fly high, queen. i'll miss you.

well, as a Fiore stan, this episode was a bit sad for me. but, i do totally understand why Magenta would both vote for Fiore and lose the challenge. (damn you, Ellie...) Fiore already did super well in both S1 and the original Adventure Camp, so i understand why they wouldn't have her go super far again in this season, especially when everyone knows she's such a threat.

i just hope that we can still get a little more closure for her and Alec than we got already in this season. all it has to be is, like, him being sad at her elimination for reasons other than pure strategy and maybe a nice conversation at the finale. it doesn't have to be Alec finally adopting her... even if i did want that to happen... i'd just prefer to know that they leave things on good terms.

anyways, another really solid episode! i look forward to the next one. thanks for reading!

[doin-just-fine]

Hiya!! I saw you were inviting people to ask you system stuff, so as a questioning/newly discovered plural I have a couple questions!! If you're uncomfy answering these please feel free to skip any or delete this ask! I know they're potentially quite personal.

How did you find out you're a system?

What does internal communication look/feel like for you?

How do you personally handle self doubt?

The People Wanna Know:

🛸 Hello!! Thank you for submitting this question! I know as a newly discovered system reaching out about system things can be scary!!

For you're first question, the initial "discovery" was after I had gone off my ADHD meds for a week due to the shortages that were/are happening. I have been medicated for my ADHD since I was 8 and hadn't had a break from my meds greater than a day or two since that age. Let me set the scene, I'm finally living on my own, dating a system, and under a lot of stress from other things in my life. I start questioning if I'm a system just a little bit, more of a check in with my psyche and less of theres evidence pointing me here. Then BOOM no meds for a week or so. As I start questioning this and checking in (something I have done before quite a few times since learning and researching about plurality off and on the past 5 years) I notice that theres a really loud voice telling me horrible things about myself every time I try to think and check in about this. At the time this was a very uncommon thing for my mind. As the week progressed the voice and it's emotion got more and more distressing each time it piped up but I kept pushing back against it until it almost felt like a bubble popped. I was fighting the rude voice and suddenly I got a wash of this voices name/identity. It felt like a voiceover layered with different ways of identifying with the name Cloud mixed with telling me off. Ex (tw: aggressive language ): "You're a fucking idiot" "This is stupid" "Dumb ass" "Fuck You Fuck You Fuck You" ((Bubble Pops)) "cloud" "You're a fucking idiot" "name-" "This is stupid" "You're just lonely" "name: cloud" "You're not a system just stop" "i am cloud" "Fucking idiot you're so stupid" "Fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off" "cloud" To be clear, it was more like the bubble popped and suddenly a new sense of identity started transmitting to me. Before just his words where being projected to me almost like over a loud speaker and then suddenly I was sharing a consciousness with him. This interaction was able to happen because my meds create a bit of a barrier that makes communication more difficult and therefore easier to hide the plurality from me. Once my meds were out of my system it made that negative voice louder and pushing against it easier until everything gave way.

Plurality is covert, meaning it doesn't want to be discovered and will do what it can to stay hidden, thats why gatekeepers exist and why denial spirals happen. You're brain doesn't want you to acknowledge it because then that means you are going to acknowledge what it has deemed unsafe memories, emotions, thoughts, feelings, patterns, ect. It also takes practice to navigate and communicate in your system and you won't be able to be sure of things right away. Things will change as you understand them better. For you're second question about communication I will be referencing how our varying levels of "fronting" works and to avoid making this response incredibly long I will direct you to the original post we first explain it in. We mostly feel each others thoughts rather than hear them. The only time I can every "hear" someone else's thoughts is if they are right next to me and/or feeling something very strongly. Usually if we want to "talk" to each other we talk out loud so everyone can hear what's being said and respond, or we right it out. But usually we rely of deciphering feelings. I can hear my own thought in my head but no one else's usually but they can seemingly hear mine. So I can talk to them in my head and then try to feel what they're emotional reaction is to what I'm saying and decipher their responses. It's a lot of yes or no questions or statements. like playing 20 questions. I can try to expand on our communication more if anyone would like me to. I do plan on making a post about it at some point.

As for your last question that ones very hard. I'm lucky that I told my therapist and she validated me making me feel clinically seen even without a formal diagnosis. She is far from being an expert or specialist but just being told by a medical professional "hey you're valid" was enough to take away the MAJOR denial feelings we would get. Early on it's gonna be very common and very hard. I had a could people go quite when I was first learning because they felt that me just wrapping my head around clouds existence alone first might be a better plan that 3 new people. And even now, it isn’t gone. It rears its head now and then especially because we are an atypical system so a few things that people use to fake claim kinda apply to us and we get worried we’re mistaken. If you have trauma, leaning on that when you have a denial spiral can be helpful like reminding yourself it makes sense for your brain to operate this way. If you don’t have trauma right down moments that feel particularly real and plural and when you start spiralling read those moments and try to remember how real that felt.

I hope this was helpful let me know if you have any questions or need clarification!!

REMEMBER: You're gonna be ok. You're gonna figure it out. Be kind and gentle with yourself and others. Asks are open. Have a nice day.

[pain-in-the-butler]

Where did you get the idea for Cielbug and Coattails?

Hi again, thanks for your interest! Oh, Cielbug and Coattails... Two such vastly different creations... Well, let's start with Cielbug, who just kind of Happened. One night I doodled this little picture of Ciel and Sebastian for a meme

and I realized I liked how goofy Ciel looked, so I drew more, but I also found him to be very off-putting so I captioned it

and next thing I knew he was officially a bug, he lived in my house, and he had nothing in common with O!Ciel whatsoever

On the opposite end of the creativity scale, Coattails started as a short story I wrote in 2014, which I initially had no plans to share with anyone other than my sister. I liked Dadbastian and the idea of Ciel having to cope properly with his trauma (which was not yet fully revealed), so I always kept the idea in the back of my mind as something I wanted to expand upon. However, I didn't consider it very seriously until 2017's twin reveal. My feelings on the twin reveal are closer to positive now, but at the time I really didn't like it. I decided I wanted to prove to the fandom what I thought a good plot twist for my favorite series should look like and went about making a fic that would showcase it.

Even though I was pretty driven, I didn't really have expectations in the beginning for how long Coattails would get or who would like it. I decided I would just write it for myself, and anyone who tagged along for the journey would be a nice bonus. I knew the angle that would interest me most was Dadbastian, and I knew I already had a short story about Ciel and Sebastian that I really liked, so I used that as a base for what Coattails would become.

My sister was probably a bigger help in development than she realizes! The short story I wrote in 2014 is now chapter 2 of Coattails, and initially there was no catalyst for Ciel's shift into a more angry, sensitive person. My sister said that it felt jarring for Ciel to start acting up for no reason other than puberty, so I decided that should be a plot point, which ultimately lead to the creation of Lyle Reubin. Sebastian also needed a reason to go from being a demon to a dad, so I thought one up. Then came Henri Fairclough as a villain and means of exploring all of Coattails's themes. Once I had the bones in place, I started fleshing the story out however I pleased, just writing whatever felt fun and interesting and engaging, and that's sort of how I do it to this day.

That was a bit long-winded so tl;dr: my inspiration for Coattails was spite mixed with writerly passion, as well as some of my own experiences and feelings when I was growing up.

Thanks for granting me the opportunity to explain this! Have a wonderful day! 😊

[fishyfishyfishtimes]

hi it's mermay and i'm thinking about sirens. i'm gunna do some looking of my own (at seadragons, probably) but can you think of any fish that look like their tails/features would make a cool mermaid?

Hello! I've actually answered a similar question before, here is my answer to that one:

But since your question is a little different, I'll feature some unique fish species you could find inspiration from!

The rockmover wrasse! Here is an adult, the juvenile is a little wilder:

Crazy patterns! Should go to good use :)

Eels! Just any type of eel, really. They come in such varied shapes and sizes, and have various abilities too! If you're the type of person who likes to give merpeople the features of the fish they're based on, just imagine a moray eel merperson with two jaws! Or a ribbon eel merson whose tail sways like a ribbon while swimming. I'd suggest looking into eels!

Electric eels too! Despite the name, they aren't actually eels at all, so I'm mentioning their genus separately here. Long fish that sense things with electricity and can generate it, even being able to cause prey animals to stop or start swimming with careful shocks... need I say more?

Here's one that could have many ways to be interpreted as a merson. Stargazers! They're ambush predators that hide in the sand, only having their eyes and mouth showing. I'd like to see how those would be interpreted as merpeople.

Mudskippers! The semiaquatic fish that live most of their lives on land.

Another one that walks, frogfish! Many species not only have a lure, but also walk along the bottom of the seafloor. How's that for an interesting merson challenge?

I don't think I've ever seen a merson who looks like a billfish, as in like a swordfish, sailfish or a marlin. The particular fish here is a sailfish!

I don't see some reef fish often, either. How about a moorish idol?

Perhaps the similarly-shaped butterflyfish?

Oh hey, maybe mandarinfish! That's one colourful guy :)

Deep sea fish are always a treat, too. They look very otherworldly compared to the fish we see often in everyday life! My personal favourite is the barreleye, but any friend from the deep is a friend indeed. The stoplight loosejaw who has a private red flashlight, the cookiecutter shark who sneakily bites chunks off bigger animals, bristlemouths with their large jaws and tiny teeth... I recommend looking into fish that have photophores, aka light-producing organs! They're fish that glow in the dark!!! Extremely cool and mysterious...

Lanternfish are a good example of this, I think. They're thought to be the most abundant group of vertebrates, they're deep sea-living, they have photophores, they migrate vertically in humongous schools that literally look like false bottoms to sonar.

Deep sea anglerfish are a classic, old but gold. Seldom used in merfolk! I've tried tackling anglerfish merfolk myself before, I'll feature my concept sketches below for possible inspiration... though they contain artistic nudity, so I'll only feature them under the cut. Nothing major. Cartoon tits.

And there you have it! I got kinda carried away, I'm sure no one minds. Have a fun Mermay! I'm gonna draw some art for it myself, but in the meantime, have this fish ramble :)

Her first initial concept on the left and some additional ones on the right. Anglerfish of all kinds use lures to trick prey, so I wanted to mix the lure aspect with mermaids to create a siren that lures in sailors with her human half and eats them with her fish half. The human half has working eyes, vocal chords and lungs to first spot sailors, then call and sing to them, but besides that all the other organs are in the fish half. No doubt similar merple exist, but this was my take on it! It's a lot of fun to be creative, I recommend just going with the flow and doing what feels the most natural or coolest. You've got this!

[artheresy]

Zhuming Family HCs

I have so many thoughts and headcanons for baby Yingxing, Huaiyan, Ardens Regia, and Baiheng and I can’t wait for myself to be finished writing the first chapter so here’s some headcanons that may or may not appear/get mentioned in the fanfiction I have planned going over Yingxing’s life

Huaiyan personally found Yingxing and took him in, think similar to Cloud Knights against the Borisin readable. While I don’t think it’s about them, I’m using it to inspire how they meet and why Huaiyan takes him in !

Sometimes Huaiyan needs to travel away from the Zhuming for different matters regarding his position and duty and wherever he goes, Yingxing is brought with him. He uses these trips as teaching opportunities whether for the methods and techniques the different ships use or where they stand in regards to their technological advancements in comparison to the Zhuming. This is how Yingxing ended up interested in the Luofu before he settled there.

Ardens Regia has made a point of going around the different workshops once night has fallen and the day has ended on nights when he isn’t too busy (which isn’t the most often but). This is because he had once caught Yingxing, around the time he first arrived on the Zhuming, working WAY past his bedtime and urged the boy to go back to his quarters.

Some nights when he is free to make his rounds of the workshops, Yingxing has already passed out at his work station. In those cases, Ardens Regia will find something to cover him with at least.

Ardens Regia used to be incredibly intimidating to Yingxing, like the boy would flinch and get stiff everytime he came into the room. Huaiyan finds it funny since he himself can’t see Ardens Regia as scary given how long they’ve spent together.

Huaiyan!! With beautiful rust colored hair, perhaps with lighter brown bits mixed in!! And Ardens Regia with long, curly black hair!!

Ardens Regia when he has free time likes to make little crafts, whether via small pieces of metal he welds together using his own flame or even some glassblowing which he only does on the rare nights he has some flexibility. Huaiyan has a few little trinkets from him, mostly older things he had crafted when he was first starting the hobby. Eventually both Yingxing and even Baiheng end up with small things from Ardens Regia.

Baiheng ends up coming to the Zhuming quite a few times over the years after her initial time, and she grows close not only with Yingxing but with Master Huaiyan quite a bit too. She isn’t very close to Ardens Regia as they don’t find themselves talking much, but she feels at ease when he is near rather than shift and scared like she had thought she would be in the presence of the Zhuming’s High Elder

The only possession Yingxing had with him from his home other than the clothes on his back was a small delicate music box from his mother that was a little beaten up and would play a lovely lullaby she used to sing to him and his older sister every night.

The music box doesn’t play as well anymore, but Yingxing can still sing it and remembers the lyrics. Baiheng hears him humming it one day and asks him to teach her the song. Later on the days she stays on the Zhuming from time to time, she would sing him to sleep with that same lullaby.

My headcanon for Yingxing’s family is that he had him, his mom, his father, and then an older sister. With both his mother and sister gone, this is why he becomes so attached to Baiheng, with her in a way filling both of those roles for him.

Both Huaiyan and Ardens Regia keep some form of contact with Yingxing and Baiheng even after the two of them have gone to the Luofu

I have much more headcanons and am thinking up more but this is what I have for now :D!!

Oh additionally, the three of them will be very annoying in-laws, not like omg toxic but very silly and teasing and absolutely annoying.

You may think Huaiyan would be like the teasing in-law, but nope! It’s Ardens Regia. That man giggles, HE GIGGLES, when he communicates with hologram with Yingxing one day and realizes the High Elder of the Luofu has become rather taken with Yingxing, makes a comment of Yingxing seeming to have a talent for charming those of the Vidyadhara. And he very seriously asks that Dan Feng keep an eye on that boy, lest he lose him too soon.

I love this found family I have created in my head, they mean so much to me. Once I finish doing some more writing and actually focusing, it’s all over. I will be so annoying about them trust me

[quidfree]

Hello!!! so I love your story Sober II… I was re-reading it back to back with TSH and the way you wrote them felt so true to Tartt’s characterization of them I was absolutely floored to how you captured the essence of the characters in your writing and your extension to their dynamic.

I have a question about your own personal head-canons between the two because I also read your spin off fic of sober II and found myself wondering who you think is the more physically affectionate of the two? I get the feeling that both your Francis and Richard kind of shy away from showing the other affection, or at least quite hesitant in doing so. From what you’ve written I feel like it’s Francis because of little moments like him placing his feet on Richards legs when they’re both on the couch… but in my re-read it’s Richard usually reaching for Francis, or Richard keeping Francis’ hands on him out of instinct. And that bit where they’re in their 40s and Richard suddenly becomes paranoid about how close they were in front of his students. Anyway, sorry for the tangent but I’m simply curious about who you think is the more affectionate of the two!

Also, don’t laugh at me but when you mentioned Anne Carson in your story I fell into a spiral of purchasing a few of her novels and translations and now I’m obsessed. She’s pretty popular but she’s never really be on my own personal radar, so thanks for that!

ahh thanks so much anon- and what, i’m delighted you discovered anne carson through me, not laughable at all!

that’s an interesting question and your analysis is good haha- made me sit and think about my subconscious choices in writing them. i think you’re right that i don’t necessarily see them as affectionate with each other from jump, due to all of richard’s sexuality hangups and francis’ weird relationship to physical affection.

in my head francis is definitely more touchy but it’s like, following a specific set of rules- he’s flirtatiously touchy (see: initiating all his hookups), and casual with the touches if you’re an unthreatening figure in his life (his mother, camilla, etc), but i feel like bc richard is a bit of a complicated situation as of post-canon he’s more withdrawn with him than he might otherwise be (and might have been back in early hampden when he gave less of a shit about richard and also was prodding at him to see if his gaydar was right). he has a lot of walls in place mixed in w his sexual traumas (childhood and otherwise). altho he does tend towards softer than richard, what with the blanket coverings and such.

richard’s thing is 1) he’s the outsider, so he’s more yearning for other people to bring him in than secure in reaching out 2) Men are not for Touching. hes so happy to be part of the pile of limbs in the backseat or get his hair ruffled or hand held or whatever but even in hampden i don’t recall him initiating that very often except when his emotions just overpower him (see the camilla kisses). that said, to your point, i think especially w the benefit of their history and also the traumatic losses they suffered, richard is very reachy- the whole sober ii thing is like. the kind of panicked / instinctive motion to keep what’s left of his hampden days with him. and how that melts into holding onto francis specifically.

anyway they both have that going on. richard is probably more classically touch-starved? but they’re both more comfortable with sex than other touch from what we see- like, it is kind of ironic that the day francis comes to hook up with richard seeking that connection to distract from murder hell is Literally on the heels of richard seeking out a random girl to do the same thing with. they are soo.

they grow into it tho. francis starts it off bc hes like oh right this is someone im hooking up w now so i can do x y and z. but richard’s probably first to go sort of, ah, romantic about it, which then sends francis skittering back a bit. i have a lot of Thoughts abt their physical scars & how those play in.