#my idea of it is that your mental state is not easily changed. but how exactly does it differ from being emotionally stable? who knows

[no-one-hears-me]

sorry guys I'm mentally stable now

[moonastro]

Juno persona chart

mercury in the houses

what is a juno persona chart? looking into juno persona chart gives more detailed insight of how the relationship and marriage overall of you and your spouse will be like. it also describes them in a sense as well. The Greek Goddess Juno is described to rule over love and marriage and hence why the asteroid is looked into for that theme.

mercury is a planet of communication, the mind and the way one talks about things. mercury in the juno persona chart gives insight on how the couple communicates and the mental connection between the two.

reminder: this is my interpretation from observations and first hand experiences, so don't take this to heart.

mercury in 1st house: since this house is ruled by mars lots of quick speech and lots of quick thinking within the marriage. lots of arguing and conflict when it comes to words like using vulgar language quite often and so on. They can quickly grow bored with routine and may need continual mental stimulation and excitement. They like expressing their thoughts, opinions, and ideas with others and may have a natural knack for public speaking or performing arts. They may influence people with their words and thoughts so they can easily get what they want from their partner. ego can be very pungent during communication, so you show your true self when in depth of conversation with your partner and are very ethical and true to what you say.

spouse may have their natal mercury in aries, 1st house, fire sign, fire house (1,5,9)

mercury in 2nd house: each party's thought process is very structured and this is the perfect example of thinking before speaking. whatever comes out of this placements mouth is meaningful and important. speaking pace may be sensual and slow, very clear communication between the two. likely to state the obvious and most predictable and logical things. this placements doesn't like to complicate things so they just get to the point. They may love looking into investment possibilities, analysing market trends, and developing smart financial strategies to increase their wealth and security. This placement may cause money-related anxiety or tension, particularly if they believe they have little control over their financial status so discussions about finance to their partner is common.

spouse may have their natal mercury in taurus, 2nd house, earth sign, earth house (2,6,10)

mercury in 3rd house: communication is very forward and free. no hesitations when it comes to talking to each other. talking is a very important part of the relationship and when something happens the couple just need to talk it out. its all about talking it out. it can be quite damaging actually if there is a block in free communication. Shared interests in studying, reading, and debating diverse topics might be a strong bonding aspect in their relationships. This location indicates versatility and flexibility in communication approaches. Individuals may readily change their method of expressing themselves to fit different situations to their other half. They are more inclined to appreciate their partner if they are as adaptable and open-minded in their communication style.

spouse may have their natal mercury in gemini, 3rd house, air sign, air house (3,7,11)

mercury in 4th house: lots of open and honest communicative styles for this placement. sensitive topics may be a theme for this placement also. both party's communicate with a respectable and loving matter for the other person. including family members or talking about them is common. The individual may come from a household that values open communication and engages in frequent conversation, debate, and idea sharing from what they learnt from their household. They may have learnt to express themselves vocally from an early age and are comfortable conversing with family members. They may find it easier to express their feelings verbally rather than physically, and they may seek intellectual relationships with family members to meet their emotional demands. They may also be prone to overanalysing or intellectualising their emotions in order to gain a better understanding of their partner.

spouse may have their natal mercury in cancer, 4th house, water sign, water house (4,8,12)

mercury in 5th house: very playful and unserious topics can be talked about in the relationship. this placements communication style is quite sensual but very fun and playful, which of course leads to arguments so be careful with that. They may have a way with words that is fascinating and captivating, making them exceptional storytellers. They may also have a sense of humour and wit, and they use words to express themselves and entertain others. These people can exhibit their creativity through writing, public speaking, acting, or any other means of self-expression. They may have a natural flair for presenting their thoughts in innovative and engaging ways, which sets them apart in artistic endeavours. They may love flirting, light-hearted bantering, and verbal expressions of affection. They may also value their intellectual relationship with heir partner and like engaging in fascinating talks.

spouse may have their natal mercury in leo, 5th house, fire sign, fire house (1,5,9)

mercury in 6th house: this placement enjoys mental stimulation and is constantly working their mind. for example in marriage, when going on about the day, this placement cant take their mind of what they did before they left the house, like thinking if they turned off the lights or if they locked the door and so on. lots of precautions and overthinking for this placement. which leads to being critical in everything that they say, like after a conversation between both parties this placement rethinks the whole speaking process and thinks of what they could have said and what they said that was wrong. likely to debate on practical things like where to go for grocery shopping or what gym to go to and so on. lots of conversations about work and routine for example asking 'how was your day', 'how was work?' and so forth. daily check ins and having a routine with their conversations are common. very honest when it comes to health matters, if they are worried about their partners health they take initiative.

spouse may have their natal mercury in virgo, 6th house, earth sign, earth house (2,6,10)

mercury in 7th house: They may express themselves freely and honestly to their partners while expecting the same amount of communication in return. Clear and honest communication is critical to sustaining harmony in their relationships. They may examine the benefits and drawbacks of their relationships, assess their compatibility, and use logic to better comprehend their partner's point of view. These people may be open to new ideas, prepared to negotiate, and find concessions in disagreements. They can readily tailor their communication style to the demands of their partners. They may settle issues by good conversation, identifying common ground, and achieving mutually beneficial agreements. Individuals may need to avoid being overly critical or nit-picky in their relationships with partners.

spouse may have their natal mercury in libra, 7th house, air sign, air house (3,7,11)

mercury in 8th house: very very intense topics. communication is very deep and spiritually inclined. lots of talks about taboo things that others may not feel comfortable with. communication can be full of secrets, discovery of each other throughout communication. this is a very 'i want to know all of who you are' kind of placement. very intense. questions everything about their partner to the tiniest detail. They want to understand the psychological undercurrents of their relationships and are interested in themes that delve into the depths of human experience. Communication in these partnerships is passionate, intimate, and transforming. Their intellectual curiosity motivates them to seek out hidden truths and go into the unknown, both inside themselves and in their relationship. They are more inclined to discuss common money, investments, or shared objectives, in order to build trust and mutual understanding in their marriage. They may be adept at expressing their deepest ideas and feelings, establishing intimacy and trust in their relationships via open and honest communication. They recognise the power of words to heal, empower, and promote progress, and they may actively strive to utilise communication as a tool for personal and relationship development. These people may be drawn to therapy or counselling for personal or professional reasons, and they may have an innate ability to recognise the underlying motivations and dynamics in their interactions.

spouse may have their natal mercury in scorpio, 8th house, water sign, water house (4,8,12)

mercury in 9th house: These folks' relationships rely heavily on deep, meaningful talks and the exchange of ideas. They are prone to admire conversations about broad opinions and an interest in investigating a variety of topics, such as philosophy, religion, or cultural differences. They can show their love and affection through vocal expression, exchanging ideas, and participating in debates or conversations. They value communications that are exhibited well and articulate their thoughts clearly. Travelling together or participating in educational activities as a couple may strengthen their relationship and promote mutual understanding. They may also be in long-distance relationships, having met their spouses while travelling or studying overseas. They like sharing their expertise and experiences with their partner and may feel satisfaction in assisting them to learn and grow. They also value their partner who can teach them new things and widen their horizons. Their connections may include a variety of cultural influences and intellectual hobbies, which enriches their shared experiences.

spouse may have their natal mercury in sagittarius, 9th house, fire sign, fire house (1,5,9)

mercury in 10th house: You and your partner may have a strong cerebral connection and like discussing, debating, and exchanging ideas. both party's perception is intelligent, intellectually fascinating, and capable of participating in meaningful talks. You and your spouse may assist each other's job ambitions by providing practical advice and networking opportunities. Your connection may be tied to your public image or require professional collaboration. You and your partner may approach difficulties logically, using facts and analysis to identify answers. You may also be skilled at talking with authoritative people or navigating professional situations together. Engaging in intellectual pursuits like studying, attending workshops, or discussing ideas helps to improve your partnership. You may also be concerned about how society perceives your relationship and how it affects your own reputations. You may need to be careful not to allow work-related stress or goals dominate the quality time you spend with your partner.

spouse may have their natal mercury in capricorn, 10th house, earth sign, earth house (2,6,10)

mercury in 11th house: communication style is unique for the both of you. maybe it's not something you are used to nor they are either. its a you and them only thing. lots of texting and messages can be sent in marriage, so even when you are not together you still get the time to communicate with them through your phone. lots of speaking with other people like social groups, work, colleagues that you haven't before. Individuals may clearly and precisely describe their future visions, communicating their intentions to others through verbal or writing means. They may also seek comments and advice from their social group in order to refine their goals. Individuals are more inclined to accept fresh ideas, differing viewpoints from their partner. They may be drawn to unorthodox or avant-garde ideas that challenge standard thinking.

spouse may have their natal mercury in aquarius, 11th house, air sign, air house (3,7,11)

mercury in 12th house: Individuals with this placement may have a highly intuitive and attentive communication style, catching up on subtle hints and nonverbal signs. They may have an innate ability to grasp unsaid thoughts and feelings, making them skilled at empathising and providing support in the relationship. this might suggest a preference for secrecy or prudence in communicating. These people may choose to keep certain thoughts and ideas to themselves or express them exclusively in private circumstances. They may be hesitant about disclosing too much about oneself, preferring to retain an air of mystery or seclusion in their dealings. so communication between the couple is very peaceful and intuitive. Individuals with this placement may thrive in areas requiring artistic expression, such as writing, poetry, music, or visual arts. lots of love notes and creating art dedicated to their partner is their love language. These individuals may have a great understanding of the human mind, including their own their partners underlying motives. They may be interested in psychology, psychotherapy, or other disciplines that deal with the complexity of human behaviour and emotions. They may have a natural capacity to connect with their instincts and gut sensations, which may help them navigate the hidden intricacies of relationships. They may also find fulfilment in discussing spiritual or philosophical issues, hoping to get a better grasp of the mysteries of existence.

spouse may have their natal mercury in pisces, 12th house, water sign, water house (4,8,12)

thanks for reading 🫶🏻have a nice day🤍

[msallurea]

I don't know who needs to hear this but when we say "act as if" we do not mean in the 3d of course of that's something you enjoy doing by all means do it. But to act as if is to do exactly what you would do if your desire was already fulfilled within IMAGINATION ONLY!! Since the 3d is only a mirror, everything that you'd want to do if your desire was fulfilled you do it all in imagination and you identify as the person who is experiencing all of that within imagination aka imagine it as true.

Also..when we say imagine we do NOT mean visualize. Imagining is LITERALLY by definition to imply an idea in one's mind with or without consideration or reflection aka to form a mental concept, image or idea aka TO SUPPOSE OR ASSUME!! you can easily do this without the need to visualize anything. You're imagining all the time. All YOU have to do is identify with whatever it is you desire to imagine aka "change your clothes" which is code for changing your state of consciousness.

But how do you change your clothes aka a state? Well first you "choose your outfit". What is it that you want to wear, in other words what do you want to identify as. For the sake of examples let's say your manifesting your dream life. Ok so now that I know what clothes (state) I want to wear (identify as), now it's time for me to put my clothes on. How to do that? Well I imagine what would it be like if it were true? What would I do? What would I say? How would I feel? This is where techniques come in to make it fun. You can say affirmations, visualize, script, inner convo, etc. And the moment you are done with doing this and you feel satisfied that is when you know it is done. But wait! What about the 3d? "I don't see anything". Yea that may be true you can't see anything but you know what else you can't see?? Dust..yet you know it's there. You can't see atoms yet you know it's there. You can see other people in front of you right now but you know there are people in the world. You can't see a cake in front of you yet you can imagine a cake and taste all it's flavors and smell its sweetness and everything. You see, you don't have to see anything outside of you to knowyhat you already have your desires. So..just like when we say "know that you already have your desires" and "it is already done" we are not talking about in the 3d that would be delusional. We mean know you have you desires in imagination because and don't worry about the 3d it is only neutral and it can't do anything unless YOU assume it does. Even then, you're still proving that YOU are not only a creator but that imagination is the real reality and the 3d is a mirror because who's to say your desire couldn't reflect the 4d within that same second and yet you flipped it and said "it's not working" and assumed the 3d wasn't reflecting your desire. Why are you worried about what a mirror is showing you if you can already see that you have what you want in imagination?

This is where persisting comes in. You don't persist to get something. You persist because you know you have what you want regardless of what is being shown outside of you. You continously choose to identify as something even when there is no evidence of it.

[cy-cyborg]

Disability Tropes: The disabling change of heart

When a character in a story becomes disabled, they'll sometimes experience a trope that I like to call "the disabling change of heart". This is when the character goes through a massive change in their outlook, their personality, their goals or even roll in the story, specifically because they became (or are about to become) physically disabled. Sometimes, this will be in relatively small ways: the happy-go-lucky comedic relief character might become bitter, angry and jaded after getting into an accident that caused a spinal injury, or the severally depressed and nihilistic character might suddenly start acting more cheerful and hopeful, stating that loosing their leg has "put things into perspective and showed them what really matters". In other cases though, the impact is much larger, the heroic character you've been hearing about looses an arm thanks to the main character's actions, causing them to become consumed with anger and self-loathing which they take out on everyone else, eventually becoming an antagonist as they seek revenge for what the main character did to them. The morally grey or even villainous character is injured by their own scheme, giving themselves a permanent disability in the process, which prompts a change of heart and leads them to turn their lives around and become better people, maybe even deciding to team up with the heroes.

Now, having a character go through a personality and goal change due to a major life event, such as becoming physically disabled, isn't inherently bad. A lot of writers are told to tie major shifts in your character's development to major life events, because realistically, something like becoming newly disabled will at least impact how you view the world around you. I very frequently talk about how if I didn't loose my legs, I would have become a vastly different person, but the issues with this trope depends on how it's used and the reasons behind these developments, and whether or not the change suits the character in question.

Before we get into things, I would like to specify that in this post, I'm only going to be talking about how this trope is used with physical disabilities and other easily visible forms of disability. It does show up with characters who develop disabilities under the mentally ill and neurodivergent umbrellas, and is actually a bit more common than what I'm talking about today, but the specific ways its utilised are so different that it's more or less a separate trope, and one that deserves much more attention than I could give it here as this is already going to be a pretty long post. So for today, I'm keeping to it's use with physical and visible disabilities, and we'll talk about how this trope is used with neurodivergence and mental illness another day.

The main thing you need to be mindful of is ensuring that you, as an author, are not including your ingrained biases about disability into the reasoning behind the change. Let's look at one of the examples from before, an evil character who, after loosing their arm (because it's almost always loosing an arm for some reason) becomes a villain and wants revenge against the main character. In a story like this example, the character who became an amputee often views this new disability as something that has ruined their life. It's something that has caused them to suffer, and they want to make the main character (or whoever has "wronged" them) suffer like they did. Stories like this example portray disability as something that is not just horrible, but life-destroying, especially with villains who become all-consumed by the misery this disability has brought them. Many stories that utilise this version of the trope also often perpetuate the idea that if you become disabled, you'll have to give up all the things you love and your goals, even when this wouldn't necessarily be true for the character in question.

Let's say your character was a knight, and the main character cut off their arm in a training accident. obviously you can't be a knight with only one arm because you can't fight anymore, so they left their order. Now this character has become a villain and has found power that "makes up" for their disability, perhaps magic or some other force that doesn't exist in the real world, and are back to get revenge on the character for ruining their lives. Here's the thing though, the loss of a limb, or at least, the loss of an arm specifically, often isn't the career ender people think it is, even back then. In fact, there are many historical records of real amputees continuing to serve as knights and other similar military roles after loosing an arm or at the very least, continuing to fight in other ways. One such example was Götz of the Iron Hand, a mercenary knight who lost his arm to a cannon. Götz had fought as part of the Roman empire's military in 1498, but shortly after left to form his own mercenary company. He lost his hand in 1504 and continued his career as a mercenary with the help of an iron prosthetic capable of holding his sword and the reigns of his horse, among many other things such as writing, for another 40 years. Götz wasn't unique in this though, several suits of armour from the same time period have been found with integrated prosthetic hands, though the names of their owners are unknown. There was also Oruç Reis (aka Aruj Barbarossa), A privateer admiral who served the Ottoman Empire in and around the Mediterranean who lost his left hand - earning him one of many nicknames: Silver-Hand, thanks to the colour of his prosthetic. Oruç, like Götz, continued his career for several more years until he was eventually killed in 1518.

My point in bringing this up, is to highlight how important it is to double check that the reason your character's whole motivation for turning to villainy, isn't just based on your ideas about what a disabled person can or can not do. Actually double check it, research it, especially if it's important for your plot.

Even in the cases where the disability in question actually would stop someone from being able to do something, the incorrect assumptions can still occur and cause issues in different ways. For example, a character in a more modern setting who looses their arm due to an accident the main character was responsible for while serving in the military would be discharged, ruining the character's plan to become a general some day. This absolutely would be devastating for a character like that, and they realistically could struggle to adjust, both in terms of getting used to their disability and finding new goals for their life. They may well feel anger at the main character, however, if you are portraying just living with a disability, in the case of this example, living with an amputation as inherently "suffering" for no other reason than they are disabled, it is still perpetuating those really negative ideas about disability. I've said this a few times in other posts, but villains who are evil or even just antagonists purely because they're disabled or are trying to avoid becoming disabled is a trope all its own and one that is best avoided if you yourself aren't disabled, as even outside of spreading these negative ideas about life with a disability, it's just an overdone and overused trope.

But what about when this trope goes in the other direction? when you have an antagonistic or even just morally grey character who becomes disabled and this is the catalyst that turns them into a good guy?

For the longest time, I knew I usually disliked this version of the trope too, but I couldn't put my finger on why. With disability being the reason someone became a villain, the underlying reason it's there is often able to be boiled down to "I, the writer, think being disabled would be terrible and life like that is inherently suffering, so this character is angry about it," which is obviously an issue (the "inherently suffering" bit, not the anger). However, when a character becomes good due to becoming disabled, the reasoning is usually more along the lines of, "this is a big change in a character's life that has caused them to reconsider and revaluate things" (or at least, that's what I thought). This isn't bad, nor is it necessarily unrealistic. Hell, as I already said, I do consider my disability to be a catalyst that made me into who I am today. I also know plenty of people who, after becoming disabled later in life, did have a big change in how they viewed themselves and the world, and who consider themselves better people since becoming disabled. It's far, far from a universal experience, mind you, but it does happen. So why did this version of the trope still not sit right with me?

Well, I think there's a few reasons for it. The first being that there's a tendency for non-disabled people to think real disabled people are just incapable of evil deeds, both in the sense that they aren't physically capable of doing them (which is bad and not even always true for the reasons we already discussed), but also in the sense that there's this idea that disabled people are, for some reason, inherently more "good" and "innocent" - As if breaking your back or loosing a limb causes all evil and impure thoughts to be purged from the body. This is a result of many folks viewing disabled people as child-like, and thus attributing child-like traits (such as innocence) to them, even subconsciously. This is an incredibly common issue and something disability rights organisations are constantly pushing back against, as this mentality can cause a lot of unnecessary barriers for us. With how often I and many other disabled people are subjected to infantilization, I would be honestly shocked if it wasn't at least partially responsible for people thinking becoming disabled is a good reason to kick off a redemption arc.

This infantilization isn't unique to physically disabled people by the way, in fact it's way, way, more commonly directed at people with intellectual and developmental disabilities - or at least, people are more open about it, but as I already mentioned, how that is reflected in tropes like The Disabling Change of Heart is vastly different and deserves a post of it's own.

That's mostly just speculation on my part though, since that infantilising mindset does show up a lot in media, but not usually as part of this trope specifically.

However, it's not the only reason I wasn't a fan of it. When the disabling change of heart is used to fuel redemption arcs, I think, once again, that the disability itself being credited with causing the change directly is another factor. When this happens, it's usually because "it put things into perspective for me and showed me what really mattered."

This sounds better than our previous example on the surface, but stories that use this logic are often still portraying disability as an inherently bad and tragic thing, something so bad, in fact, that it makes all the other (legitimate) issues they thought were massive before seem so small by comparison. This is a type of inspiration porn: content made to make non-disabled people feel inspired or just better about their own situation. It's the mentality of "well my life is bad, but it could be worse, at least I'm not disabled like that!"

In a fictional story, this might look like an athlete character who dreamed of making it big so they could be famous and get out of poverty. They were a dick to anyone who got in their way but only because they were worried about not being able to make rent if they don't constantly win. One day though, they overworked themselves and got into a car accident on the way home because they were too tired, and now they're in a wheelchair and can no longer walk, which is (supposedly) absolutely tragic and way worse than anything else they were already going through. But they end up becoming a better person because it has put things into perspective for them. Yeah they were struggling to make ends meet, but at least they weren't disabled! Now that they are, they know they shouldn't have cared so much, because money doesn't matter when compared to not being able to walk, right?

As well as portraying disability in a negative light, these kinds of stories dismiss and diminish the other struggles or challenges the character is experiencing, placing the status of "not disabled" above all else.

There's also the fact that, when a lot of real people say their disabilities had positive impacts on their lives, they don't usually mean the disability itself is directly responsible for the change. There's exceptions of course but for myself personally, and most of the people I know who say they are better people because of/since becoming disabled, the disability has been more of a neutral catalyst than the actual cause of positive change. Meaning, it opened the door to allow those changes to happen, but it wasn't the direct cause. For me personally, becoming physically disabled at a young age didn't make me a nice person like people expect, I was still a little judgemental asshole for a lot of my childhood. However, because I was disabled, I had to travel a lot, initially because I needed medical treatment that my local hospital wasn't equip to provide, and later, because I started competing in disability sports. because of both of those things, I met people I never would have otherwise who made me reconsider what I'd been taught on a wide range of subjects, and made me question where those beliefs had come from in the first place. When I say my disability played a part in who I became, it wasn't because my disability itself change me, but it helped me meet people who were positive influences on me and my life. but when creatives make characters who experience arcs like this, they ignore this, again, defaulting to the "this was a bad thing that just put all my other problems into perspective" reasoning.

Some iterations of this trope also use disability as a kind of "karmic punishment" where the disability is portrayed as a rightfully deserved punishment for an evil character's deeds - usually something relating to the disability they acquired but not always. An example might look like an evil tyrant who punishes the rebels they captured by cutting off their hands. Eventually, this catches up with him, maybe the friend or a child of one of the rebels is able to capture the tyrant and cuts his hands off as payback so that he gets a taste of his own medicine, a taste of the suffering he imposed on others. Now facing at least one of the same realities of the people he subjugated, he realises the error of his ways. With some pressure from the main characters, he has a change of heart and surrenders himself, steps down to let someone else take his place, or perhaps he decides to start changing policies to be more in-line with these new morals until some other character usurps him, becoming an even bigger threat than the previous former tyrant.

Once again, stories that use a disability like this are still portraying the disability as an overall inherently bad thing, but there's the added layer at play in this example. The thing is, there are a lot of people in real-life who actually believe disability is a punishment from God. I remember one time when I was over in the US, an older lady came and sat down on the seat beside me on the bus and started asking me about my disability and specifically, how I became disabled. This isn't an unusual interaction, it happens fairly regularly whenever I use public transport, but on this particular day, the conversation suddenly shifted when I told her I became disabled when I was very young. This woman, despite the bus-driver's best efforts to get her to stop, ended up lecturing me for an hour and a half (during which time I couldn't move due to how my wheelchair was held in place) about how my disability was punishment from God for my parent's sins. She then tried to convince me to attend her church, claiming they would be able to heal me. And the thing is, this isn't an uncommon experience.

A lot of disabled people are targeted by cults using this same method: they'll convince people their disabilities are a punishment, make them believe they deserved it, that they just weren't good enough, but don't worry, if you repent and come to our specific church we can heal you. There was even a case in Australia recently that uncovered a cult called Universal Medicine, who taught that disabled people were reincarnations of evil people, and that being disabled in this life was their punishment, as well as that parents who have disabled children were being punished for other sinful behaviours. They were found to be operating a disability care service named Fabic that was being paid for by the NDIS, a subsection of the Australian government funded healthcare system that specifically aids disabled Australians by paying for and subsidising treatments, technologies (such as mobility aids) and other services relating to their disability. Fabic was found to be stealing excessive amounts of funding from their disabled clients under the guise of therapies and carer services, but was not actually helping their clients at all. Whether it's just taking advantage of them to get their money, or actually using this logic as a justification to mistreat them, this mentality of "disability is a punishment" actually gets real disabled people hurt or worse, and so seeing it come up in media, even if there is no ill-intent, can be very distressing and uncomfortable for disabled audiences.

So with all this being said, is the disabling change of heart a trope you should avoid in all it's forms and versions? No, but it does need to be handled with extreme care. I do think it should be avoided as a reason for a character becoming evil for the most part. If that really can't be avoided in your story though, at the very least, ensure that you foreshadow the change. Your happy little ray of sunshine, embodiment of sweetness and innocence type character probably isn't going to turn murderous and want revenge for an accident for example. A character who is likely to be driven to that kind of extreme of wanting revenge for their disability, so much so that they become a villain, probably already had at least a few traits that would predispose them to that line of thinking already, before becoming disabled. As for when it goes in the other direction, and you have a character becoming a good guy, avoid using the reasoning that "the disability put things into perspective for me". Instead, if you must use this version of the trope, use the character's new disability as the reason they encountered other people and situations that challenged their views, things they wouldn't have encountered otherwise. No matter the reason though, be very careful to avoid inspiration porn, and as always, try to find a sensitivity reader to give your story a once-over, just to make sure something didn't slip under your radar.

[Thumbnail ID: An illustrated image showing the same elf character twice. The picture of her on the left shows her laughing evilly, two tiny horns protruding through her brown hair. She is wearing a black dress and red shoes. On the right shows her in a yellow dress, sitting in a bright pink wheelchair with her head held eye and her eyes closed. The horns have been replaced with a glowing halo. In the centre is text that reads: "Disability Tropes: The disabling change of heart." /End ID]

[remcycl333]

STEP 1 - CHANGE WHAT YOU’RE AWARE OF

notes from “the creative use of imagination” by neville goddard 🤍

step 0 is to decide what you want. maybe you want money, or a new place to live, or an sp, or physical appearance changes.

step 1: begin to observe those thoughts and reactions towards the thing you want to manifest.

“to arrive at a certain definition of self, you must begin by uncritically observing your automatic reaction to an event, for your reaction defines your state” -NG

throughout this post, I will use the example of physical appearance change.

maybe throughout your day, you see pictures of other people on social media that you view as more attractive as you, and your reaction to that is “I wish I looked like them, this isn’t fair why am i not as attractive as them, what do I need to do to look like them” etc.

or maybe you see yourself in the mirror and you think “god why do i look like that, why am i not attractive? why hasn’t my face changed yet?” Etc

if you were in the state of having your desired physical appearance, would you be reacting that way to your 3D?

the first step to changing our state is to first learn the way our old state behaves and reacts to things. it is our current dwelling state that is reflecting in our 3d right now, and when you stop and observe your reactions to things, it becomes glaringly obvious how they’re creating your 3d. if you’re ruminating on how ugly you think you are all day long, you cannot be surprised when you look in the mirror and are dissatisfied with what you see.

“If you react to that which is being objectified, you bind yourself to a certain level of awareness, but if you refuse to react, the thread is broken.” -NG

“Only by observing your reactions to life can you find yourself.” -NG

how are you supposed to know what state you are in if you don’t observe your reactions? And once you begin to observe your reactions, Neville says you will be shocked by how deceitful you truly are. but he always urges the importance of uncritical observation. you should not shame yourself for what you find, or even feel bad. these observations are simply meant to show you your current state, and the ins and outs of it so you are able to change it more easily.

“always examine yourself uncritically, for the moment you become critical, you automatically justify your reactions and associate yourself with the thing observed.” -NG

once you begin to observe your reactions, you will become more aware of them when they happen. they’ll grow to become uncomfortable and glaring. they will feel like they don’t fit you anymore. maybe before they were just knee-jerk, unconscious reactions, but now you will feel them take up the space in your head whenever they arrive. and because of this, you will be able to shift your awareness to what you really want your 3d to reflect. you will be able to let go of the parts of yourself you no longer wish to identify with.

“be transformed by the renewing of your mind by changing the ideas planted there, for you cannot change your thinking until you change the ideas from which your thoughts flow.” -NG

your state creates your thoughts, not the other way around. it is critical to understand this if you wish to change your dwelling state. your thoughts are not your enemies. if you constantly battle against your thoughts, without ever paying mine to your state, you will not have much success.

“accept an idea as true. identify yourself with it and it will out-picture itself in your world. but if you do not accept the thought and identify yourself with it through feeling, you are free from its results. you must become very selective and learn not to associate yourself with unlovely thoughts.” -NG

this is not to confused with the term “mental diet.” when you react negatively to something, you have two options. 1) beat the thought down and panic and tell yourself the opposite without believing it to be true, or 2) choosing not to identify with it. remind yourself that this thought is just a thought. it has no power over you, and if you don’t want it to be manifested into your reality, it will not. Neville says if you do not consent to a thought as true, it will not manifest into your world. if you don’t associate your inner being with that thought, it will not come to pass in your 3D.

“start now to consent only to lovely thoughts of fulfilled desires prior to their confirmation by your senses, and give up the animal instinct of suffering and bathing yourself in the feelings of hurt and self-pity.” -NG

ruminating in unpleasant thoughts where your desire remain unfulfilled can be comfortable, and even habitual, but at the end of the day it is a choice. a choice that you have to stop making if you truly want better for yourself. this is something I struggled with a lot at the beginning of my manifestation journey. there was some twisted pleasure and comfort found in picking at scabs in my mind, and feeling sorry for myself, and imagining what would happen if my desire was never realized in my 3d. but eventually I had to choose better for myself, and I had to choose to stop giving so much attention to mental conversations like that.

“control your imagination with steady attention and dare to stand and be heard.” -NG

YOU create the happenings of your imagination, and your imagination creates your reality. do not feel silly or foolish deciding better for yourself in your own imagination. and do not let the logical restrictions of the 3d to tell you what you can and can not give yourself in imagination. give yourself what you want in imagination and stand firm in that, even if your 3d shows the opposite. stop silencing yourself in your own imagination!

this is my thoughts and notes only on the first two chapters of “the creative use of imagination” so more may come as I continue my re-read! 🤍 just wanted to share this :)

[voltronisanobsession]

There is no End | Luke Castellan x Reader

A little idea I had, needed to right something angsty and toxic 😍💀

“Let go of me, Luke!”

You stumbled and tried pulling your arm away from the blonde boy who continued yanking you forward. The bruising grip Luke had on your arm did not deter you from trying to escape.

You thought he only wanted to talk. Maybe apologize for everything he had done. As anxious as you were to meet up with the boy, you did nonetheless.

Why? Because he’s your boyfriend. Or was, at least. Never did you imagine the kind boy you once knew to drag you away from the camp grounds kicking and screaming.

“Luke, I’m serious! Let me go!” Your voice trembled with rage and fear.

You were far from camp, you knew that. But you didn’t know that you were so close to home too. You looked at the house in front of you, anxiety shooting up as you recognized it as your own.

How did you guys manage to travel out of state so quickly? And how were you home??

It was all too confusing for you. You were cold, upset, and scared. You wondered if anyone at camp noticed your absence yet.

“LUKE STOP!”

At last, it seemed the boy finally heard you after all your previous attempts. He stopped suddenly, causing you to crash into his side. You yanked your arm away and was surprised when he let go.

You stepped away from him, eyes tracing his blank face carefully. You knew if you ran, he’d easily catch you. Your eyes traveled down to the sword strapped around his waist.

Who knew, maybe he’d use that sword against you too. What was it called again? Backbiter?

Luke’s eyes stared off into the distance. It was like he wasn’t even mentally there in the moment. He had changed so much, you noticed.

He looked older, in a way. His face, no longer soft and sweet, was hardened from the past years of intense fighting. You knew he’d seen and been through so much since he had left camp.

His once bright blue eyes were now dull in shine. He looked towards you, eyes narrowed as he turned his body to you.

“Join the army.” Your jaw almost dropped in shock.

You stepped back agin. He stepped forward.

“You seriously kidnapped me from camp, take me to my home, just to tell me to join your army? Is this a joke?”

Luke’s face twisted in anger. He took one large step and stood no more than a foot a part from you.

“No, it’s not. Join our army, and I promise you won’t get hurt when the war happens.”

Hurt? War? You realized in the moment that this was more dangerous than you anticipated.

“Why should I join your army, Luke? If you forgot, I still remember how you betrayed us. Betrayed me.” You scoffed out, arms crossing in defiance. You weren’t going to let Luke have his way.

“Betrayed you? I’m doing this for us. For everyone who was betrayed by the gods. You should feel betrayed by them.”

Luke was now so close that you could feel the warmth radiating from the skin on his arms. He was angry and you knew it. Luke never got angry before.

“When have the gods and goddesses ever been there for you, huh? Your father? Why do you take their side when the only thing they’ve done is screw you and everyone else over?”

You stared up at him in shock. Was he really trying to use your father against you? You knew what he was trying to do, you knew it.

“Luke-“

“No! Tell me, when was the last time Apollo said happy birthday to you? Actually, tell me when was the last time you’ve even seen him?”

Your face scrunched up in hurt, your body trying to back away from Luke’s, only for him to wrap his hands around your biceps, stopping you from getting away. You gasped from the squeezing pain.

“He doesn’t care about you, y/n. None of the Olympians do. Why are you fighting for immortals that don’t even care if you live or die?”

Your eyes watered up with unshed tears. His presence was becoming too much for you. Was he going to kill you if you didn’t join? Oh gods, you were going to die.

“No one cares about you. You don’t matter to anyone. Not even your own mother-“

“Stop it, Luke! Don’t say that!” Your lips wobbled as you spoke, the tears welling up in your eyes and slowly falling down your cheeks.

“It’s true, though. You want to see how much you matter to her? Don’t worry, I’ll show you.”

Your heart leaped to your throat as the blonde boy began dragging you to the house you once lived in. Panicking, you began your game of tug and war against him again, but you weren’t as strong as he was.

“No, no Luke please! Don’t do this, please!” You sobbed out as Luke continued pulling you closer and closer to the house.

Once close enough, he shot you a look as if to say quiet, making you immediately stop babbling out nonsense.

You were hysterical at this point, your face red from your crying and sobbing. Your body shook as you tried and failed miserably to stop your cries. You continued crying even as Luke pulled you up to a ground level window of the house.

Luke grabbed your jaw to keep you from turning away from the window, forcing you to look into the house.

“Look Y/N. I said look.”

You sobbed as you did what he wanted. It had been exactly 5 years since you’ve last seen your mother. 5 years since she left you at camp and never came back. All the memories came flooding back immediately as you stared at the woman you loved so dearly.

She sat on a chair reading a book, the same way she always did when you were younger. The house looked the same way it did when she took you to camp all those years ago. Except something was different.

You began crying all over again, broken sobs escaping your body as you saw two small children run over to her.

“No, no, no.”

You gasped for air as the woman in front of you put down her book and picked up the young children, placing them on her lap as she smiled gently at them.

Your pulled away from the window, away from the house, and back into the darkness where you first began.

You didn’t even register Luke pulling you close to him, his arms engulfing you in a hug. The boy whispered sweet nothings to you as you slowly calmed down from your hysteria.

You sniffled softly as Luke’s whispers filled the silence of the night.

Your arms slowly wrapped around Luke’s body, head leaning against his chest.

“There is no end, Y/N. I told you, they don’t care about you. They never did.”

You sniffled again as your eyes stung with tears again. He didn’t need to remind you again. The boy then kissed your head, still hugging you as you got a hold of yourself.

“But I care, Y/N. I care so much for you. That’s why I want you to join me. So you don’t have to be alone again. I promise I’ll never leave you like your parents did.”

And you couldn’t help but believe him. The sincerity in his voice was hard to miss. The way he held you was the same way he held you all that time ago, when you were younger.

He promised he wouldn’t leave you. Your hands clenched around his shirt. You took a deep breath and unclenched your hands.

“Ok.”

Luke pulled away and held your face, eyes staring straight into yours. These blue eyes were the same ones you remembered staring into when you were at camp.

“Promise me you won’t leave.”

He gently kisses your forehead, wiping away your stray tears with gentle hands.

“I promise.”

You never returned to camp after that night, leaving many of the campers to worry and wonder what had happened to you. Little did they know that you had signed a deal with the worst monster imaginable, after he promised you he would never leave you alone.

[blainesebastian]

something real

words: 13,045 ship: austin butler x female reader rating: SFW except for one explicit scene summary: i took inspo from a request about fake!dating for a wedding and from another film with a similar premise. what else do you do when your ex is getting married? hire a fake date notes: feel free to visit my austin masterlist warnings: none, but check the rating. tag list: @austinbutlermischief, @killerqueenfan, @stylespresleyhearted,

“You’re losing it.”

A short laugh escapes your lips because god, maybe you are. This all started out easily enough—you needed a date for your ex’s wedding. Right, the fact that you were even invited kind of drives you crazy. It’s not like you didn’t have a good relationship with Todd, you did? But it also doesn’t change the fact how things ended—he ‘meant’ to break things off with you but started seeing someone at the same time. Claire. The girl he’s marrying. But you’re not about to go through life with grudges and anger when you can just let things go.

Which is why you’ve entertained this wedding invitation in the first place?

But to go alone? That’s a fate worse than death.

Which, ironically, is exactly what your friend, Jill, is telling you you’re going to be with this idea you’ve come up with.

“It’s all perfectly safe.” You mutter, sliding onto a bar stool and turning to look at her. You’re wearing a light blue dress, pair of booties, and jean jacket. Just casual enough but also hinting you’ve got a figure to show off if you really wanted to.

She scoffs, “Yeah, that’s what everyone says before they end up on 60 Minutes.”

You can’t help but smile, tugging the file out of your course before setting it on the bar top. “Do you want me to explain it again?”

Jill puts her hands on her hips—as if that will somehow make her comfortable with all of this, but she’s not protesting either. So you open up the file and—

“So my neighbor’s used this service before to go to her high school reunion, you know, so she didn’t end up there alone. She went onto their online platform, filled out a survey and bam, she was matched with someone to go.”

Jill narrows her eyes, “For twenty thousand dollars.”

“Well it’s not charity,” You throw back, “I’ve done the research, there’s a ton of reviews—all positive. It’s not like it’s about sex or anything, it’s just…companionship for one event.”

Jill looks at the file, crinkling her nose, “There’s so many other ways you could have done this—Rick, the guy in 6B? He’s always thought you were cute.”

You laugh a little, “If I go out with Rick, there is a good chance I’ll end up missing some limbs—dude is creepy, Jill.”

Her friend rolls her eyes but it’s fond, opening up the file and pointing to a blank spot where this guy’s photo should be, “Okay, but you don’t even get to know what he looks like?”

“I think it was my Wi-Fi,” You state honestly, “Some of the images weren’t loading. But that’s why you’re here,” You grin, “Safety measures. So—” You gently push on one of her hips, “Go find a table, order a drink while I wait for Austin.”

“That’s the gigolo’s name?”

“Wedding date,” You correct, shooing her away until she heads to a table.

Taking a breath, you look at the reflective surface of the bar mirror in front of you, mentally praying that this somehow not a huge mistake and order a drink.

--

Chewing on the drunken cherry in your Manhattan, you glance down the bar as you see someone handsome talking to a small group of women. You wonder if that’s Austin, looking for you—he’s about ten minutes late. Your stomach clenches anxiously, knowing that maybe Jill was right and this is utterly ridiculous. But…you got invited to the wedding late (either it was a last-minute thought or it got lost in the mail) but there was no way you could organically find someone to ask.

Sure, you could have brought Jill or some other friend but…deep down? You know this is about making Todd feel utterly stupid for cheating on you, for leaving you for someone else. You don’t want him back, of course, but that feeling of satisfaction? That look on his face when he sees you with someone else? You want it.

You can’t not go and you can’t find someone random in your life already to go with…so when your neighbor mentioned this quick fix? How could you not look into it? You’ve got a ton of money saved from over the years, not to mention a small investment your grandfather put in your name. What’s the harm in looking into this, right?

“Y/N?”

Turning on the bar stool, you nearly swallow your own tongue as you’re met face to face with who you assume is Austin. And joke’s on you because he’s ten times more beautiful than the other guy at the bar you saw talking to those women. He’s tall, lean, in a pair of dark jeans and a black t-shirt underneath a black leather jacket. Easily handsome, like…James Dean or Elvis Presley. Doesn’t have to try very hard.

And suddenly something hysterical crawls up your throat as he takes a seat next to you, introduces himself as Austin, and apologizes for being late because of traffic because—

“I’m sorry—” You interrupt, shaking your head, “This uh, this isn’t going to work.”

His eyebrows draw together in confusion, his mouth opening and closing, “Excuse me?”

“You’re,” You laugh lightly, cheeks heating up. There’s this sickly sensation gripping your stomach, telling you to run, “No one is going to believe that we’re dating.”

And maybe that’s something oddly pathetic you shouldn’t have uttered outloud because what’s even worse, Austin seems to grip what you’re saying and his features soften. You do not want pity or sympathy, you’re just…stating a fact.

Austin takes in a soft breath and looks towards the bartender, ordering himself a beer, confusing you a little because you expected him to just…take off. There’s no money involved at this point, it’s a clean break. This meeting is just to discuss details.

“I think you’re underestimating yourself,” He states gently, eyes sweeping over your form. And god, he’s good, isn’t he? You suppose this is his job, making women feel good. Confident. Even though it’s all a lie.

Letting out a breath as his drink is set down on the bar, you figure there’s no harm in…talking with him, right? He came all this way; you can at least wait until he finishes his beer to turn him down. You’ll just go to this damn wedding alone—it’s really not that big of a deal, right?

Austin takes off his leather jacket, hanging it up on a hook underneath the bar and he smells amazing—some sort of cologne that’s fresh and almost citrusy. You run a hand through your hair and order another Manhattan.

“So your request said a wedding?”

“My ex,” You clarify, “And I don’t want him back, or anything, I just want him to feel like an idiot.”

Austin smiles a little, humming— “Well, that shouldn’t be too hard. I’m assumin’ he already is one.”

A small laugh stutters forward in your chest because yes, he is. Your shoulders start to relax just a little because maybe Austin gets it. By not going or going alone you…you don’t want Todd to think that he’s somehow gotten one over you, that you’re lonely or broken ever since you’ve separated.

“Have you…done weddings before?”

He shifts a little on the barstool so that he’s facing you a little easier, “I’ve done weddings the most,” He admits, “Two high school reunions, one funeral.”

You raise your eyebrows, setting your drink down on the bar. “A funeral?”

Austin shrugs lightly, “Some women just want a hand to hold on their hardest day, a shoulder to cry on. Someone to talk to.” He licks his lips, taking a sip of his beer, “I’m not one to judge.”

You straighten your shoulders and…you suppose you’re really not in a position to do that either, given you’re here to hire Austin so you feel less alone and pathetic at a wedding. You take a long look at him for a moment, —curious. He doesn’t want to be doing anything else?

“Can I ask—why are you doing this?” Your fingers trace shapes into the condensation on your glass. “This whole fake-date program?”

Austin clears his throat, “You can ask me whatever you want,” He starts and that within itself seems like a dangerous proposition. “I work at this café near here but uh, it doesn’t exactly bring a lot of money in. I want to be an actor, like…a serious one, the money I get from these dates I’m savin’ up to go to L.A.”

And he essentially gets to pretend to be someone he’s not. Like an endless list of auditions.

There are other things you want to ask, other questions stuck in your throat about doing weddings. Why weddings? The whole concept seems like a bad idea—a high school reunion, a holiday party, even a funeral makes more sense, doesn’t it?

Those aren’t emotionally connected events, there’s no…opportunities to fall into something deeper than what the contract of attachment allows. But weddings? It’s about love and finding your person and…going to one with someone else feels like such a slippery slope.

Or maybe it doesn’t because Austin is a professional.

“So if I…if we do this, what does it entail, exactly?” You take another sip of your drink, as if you need the liquid courage for his response.

A small smile graces his handsome face again, “Don’t overthink it. It’s whatever you want, whatever you’re comfortable with.”

You feel like there’s this heat uncoiling in your belly even though he’s not suggesting anything. Somehow, it’s in the ocean blue of his eyes—a depth there. You clear your throat, “You mean uh—if I require a dance partner? Because I love to dance at weddings…usually badly.”

Austin laughs warmly but shakes his head. “I meant if I was goin’ as your date or a boyfriend.”

And oh, of course, you hadn’t even thought about it but of course Austin would want a more specific role to sink his teeth into and your mind spins about what you want to do. It’s just one night, one silly wedding, there’s no long con here. It’s not like Todd will even care who you show up with, right? You’re the one who wants to feel less lonely—

And yet—

“You can think about it, if you need to—”

“Boyfriend.” You say, cutting him off. Heat returns to your cheeks…mise well go big or go home, right? If you’re going to do this? This has got to be a bad idea, right?

“Okay,” Austin smiles, “Good.”

So it’s settled that he’ll meet you at your place beforehand, you’ll iron out details of your relationship in case anyone asks and then you’ll go to the wedding together.

Austin stands and he tosses some cash on the bar counter (enough to cover your drink as well) and he hovers for a moment, tugging on his leather jacket. “My number’s in the file, in case you need it.”

Then there’s a moment where Austin watches you, fixing the lapels of his jacket. His one hand then rests on the bar, taking a step closer to you, and the way that you’re seated, your legs open just slightly to accommodate his body in your space.

“Don’t hit me, alright?” He smiles a little, leaning down, and honestly you’re the one that feels like you’re getting sucker punched in the stomach. Air right out of your lungs. “It was nice meeting you.”

You swallow, your mouth suddenly dry as your eyes flutter to his lips, “Yeah, you too.”

There’s more than enough time for you to pull away, but you don’t, so he kisses you.

It’s nothing obscene, but slow and gentle. Warm. Just enough to make your heart pound against your ribcage, electricity singing in your veins. You suppose it’s something you should get used to if Austin is going to pass as your boyfriend.

You raise your eyebrows a little as he pulls away, hot under the collar of your jean jacket.

“Figure we’d just get that out of the way so you could concentrate.” He teases and god, your mind is spinning. You kinda hate that he’s made you feel like this so easily, like somehow it’s second nature.

“What, that doesn’t cost extra?” You manage to throw out there, finding your voice.

Austin grins, another soft laugh rumbling in his chest. “I’ll see you soon.”

You let out a slow breath, running a hand over your hair as you watch him walk out of the bar before downing the rest of your drink.

“So that’s your date, huh?” Jill asks as she comes up behind you—honestly her voice kinda sounds like cotton in your ears. “Todd is gonna swallow his own tongue.”

And you can’t help but grin.

You meet one more time before the wedding, just…something to solidify that you do, in fact, know what you’re doing. But also to get a bit more comfortable around Austin and the fact that he’s going to be your boyfriend. You let out a slow breath, aggravated by how crazy that sounds. Maybe Jill’s right, maybe this is a bad idea (despite how handsome and charming Austin is).

He’s picked you up to go somewhere but won’t tell you where. And when the engine turns off, you undo your seatbelt and look out the windshield, “A custard house?”

“Was hopin’ you could go for somethin’ sweet,” Austin smiles a little, “They make these waffle custard sandwiches that’ll change your life.”

You hum lightly and start to get out of the car, a little confused because…well, you’re not sure what you expected, but it wasn’t this. “We’re here for ice cream sandwiches?”

Austin scrunches his nose in mock offense at her flippant description, “No, we’re here for waffle custard. You need to work on listenin’, come on.” He gets out of the car too and locks the doors.

You know you’re about to paying Austin a decent amount of money to be your stand-in date, your fake boyfriend, dragging him to this wedding for god knows what reasons make sense in your head but…you suppose you didn’t count on him being like this. A tiny bit thoughtful, sweet, funny even.

Or maybe he’s already a decent actor.

You follow him to the counter, your eyes trailing over at least thirty different custard flavors—not only that, but there’s twice as many toppings. How are you supposed to choose?

“You know what you want already?” You ask as Austin rolls up the sleeves of his jean jacket a little.

“I always know what I want.” He leans on the counter, turning towards the woman at the register to order French vanilla—but stops when you make a noise. He looks at you over his shoulder, raising an eyebrow. “Somethin’ you wanna share?”

You purse your lips and rocks back onto your heels, shaking your head, “No I just…vanilla, really? You don’t seem like the type.” She teases.

Austin smirks, straightening his back. “Oh, huh.” He motions to the large display menu. “Put your money where your mouth is, baby. What should I order?”

You let the pet name slide (and it does, like heated molasses right down in your veins), which is probably a dangerous slippery slope, but you’re too busy trying to take in a custard selection at the moment to care. You chew on your lower lip, slipping through the flavors written in chalk on the board and decides to go with your favorite pairing—

“He’ll have chocolate and strawberry custard in that waffle sandwich thing with…” You hum, “Caramel sauce and chocolate sprinkles.” You smile, clearly happy with your selection before ordering the same for yourself…except you also get chocolate sauce and whipped cream.

Because why the hell not?

“You’re gonna have that all over you before the night is over.” Austin motions to the dripping mess in your hands, carefully shelled between fresh waffles wrapped up in foil.

You slide yourself onto the hood of Austin’s car, almost sliding back down but managing to lean against the windshield before losing your custard sandwich.

“Challenge accepted.”

Austin smiles a little, sitting down next to you, looking far too handsome sprawled out on his car.

You realize that everything between you both is so dangerous, wrapped in gentle dynamite, the softest breath or touch capable of explosion. But it’s also tantalizing in a way that excites you—Austin is different, gentle but rough with the walls he keeps up.

Everything about this is a lie –circles in your head, over and over, trying to remind you not to take anything too seriously. And yet? You bury it deep with a bite of your custard sandwich. You moan softly and lick chocolate off your lips because Jesus, this is incredible.

Austin smirks, licking custard between the waffle before he takes a bite of his own. “Told you it was worth the stop.”

“I’m not going to admit you somehow know all just because you have decent taste in custard.” You smile and takes another bite of your waffle sandwich, leaning back to watch cars drive by.

“Give it time.” Austin glances over and you can feel his gaze, always like a magnet tracing the curves of your body. You want to tell him that you enjoy when he looks at you like that, to be felt and seen all at the same time, but you don’t want to give him the satisfaction.

You wonder if he looks at every woman who’s ever paid him like that.

You’re not sure you want to know.

You turn and meet his gaze, holding it for a moment before a small smile graces your lips. “Do you really work at a café?”

He nods, leaning further up against the windshield. “It’s called Mug Half Full; been there about three years.” He licks his lips, pulling a napkin from his pants pocket and wiping his chin where he feels caramel sticking. “What do you do? You didn’t mention it in your email.”

You swallow down a bought of self-loathing at the question and decide to take another bite of your sandwich; sweet hiding sour. “I uh, I’m kinda in-between jobs at the moment.” You know Austin has to be able to see through that terrible excuse of an answer. “I’m currently getting an online degree in education.”

Austin finishes his custard waffle, which is admirable because yours is two seconds away from becoming soup in your hands. You lick at the sides as he crumples up a napkin and puts his trash in a can nearby so it’s not in either of your way.

“What do you want to do?”

The question shouldn’t offend you as much as it does, the want and need to defend yourself raising your hackles a bit. You bite down on reacting too sorely; he’s just asking a question—and you realize you haven’t given him a reason not to ask something like that. Your bland response is what prompts the statement.

You suppose you’re just…too used to people asking that, especially since society makes you feel like you somehow got a late start in figuring things out. In reality, it’s never too early or too late to be whoever you want. You’re just…getting to that.

You clear your throat, setting your custard sandwich down on your lap a moment, the foil protecting your clothes. “I have no idea,” You admit with a soft laugh, “My relationship with my ex kinda took all my energy—supporting whatever he needed, you know? Now I’m just starting to figure myself out.” And you’re proud of that progress, even though it feels like pushing a boulder up a hill sometimes. “I might teach maybe, one day.”

He holds your gaze for a moment, slight amusement dancing in the corners of his eyes. He smiles gently, looking down at your hands before he picks up your sandwich and licks whipped cream off the corner. Ridiculously obscene and unnecessary but you let him do it anyways.

You have apparently become accustomed to sharing things—you’ve noticed that he continues the ruse of soft touches and intimate gestures when no one’s watching. You think it’s to help solidify the fact that you’re supposed to be dating, supposed to be into one another. Which isn’t very hard when he does things like that with his tongue.

Austin tosses your trash like he did with his own before turning to look at you, handing you a napkin to wipe your hands off. “I could tell you wanted more. And you know, there’s nothin’ wrong with that.”

Then why does it feel so guilty for you to admit— “Sometimes it feels selfish, to want things for myself.” You swallow, letting it sink into the air. You’ve never told anyone that before, not even your best friend or your parents.

“Sounds like someone really selfish made you feel that way.” He says gently and it’s like…wool has been taken off your eyes. Something you maybe knew but needed to hear.

It’s not what you expect him to say, not in the slightest, but it warms you from the inside out either way. You nod because yes, you’ve never thought about it like that but yes, that’s it exactly. Realizing that taking care of yourself is one of the best things you can do—knowing yourself and that you deserve to want, that it’s normal, even.

Austin hums softly, moving to slip off the car. You swing your legs around and when he offers you his hand, you take it to slide off as well.

How easy it would be to lean up and kiss him, how he’d probably taste like hints of chocolate and strawberry. You wait for him to let you go, for his hand to stop holding yours. But he doesn’t.

You lick your own lips, your eyes looking to his lower one, how it pouts out gently when he looks at you—and you decide to stop waiting for things you want. If you’re going to pay for his company, you might as well enjoy it.

You press your lips into his own, capturing something sweet, lips moving together like you both were always made to kiss. Austin’s one hand moves to cup your cheek, his thumb brushing your hair back around your ear before eventually pulling back. You’re breathing a little shakily, your noses brushing, Austin taking his time to trace your cheekbone with his lips before he opens up the car door for you.

“You’re not charging me extra for the gentleman treatment, are you?” Or for the kisses I keep stealing?

Austin smiles, a soft laugh leaving his throat as he waits for you to put your seatbelt on. “Not yet.” And closes the door with a wink.

--

You think about canceling six times between when you wake up on the day of the wedding to the moment you slide your dress over your head. You’ve told yourself that this was and continues to be a terrible idea and if you hadn’t paid him half up front through a cash app, you’d have the nerve to tell him never mind. Kisses and all, you really feel like you’re starting to lose your damn mind.

Though you know even if you told Austin to forget the whole thing, you still have to go to this wedding. (You could probably skip it no big deal, but the last thing you want is Todd to assume you’re bothered either). Canceling now would definitely mean going alone and you can’t stomach it, not when you feel like all of your insides are already in knots.

You smooth your hands down the front of your dress as you hear the doorbell, taking the steps downstairs carefully in your gold heels. You’ve settled for a navy-blue number that shows just enough cleavage and is ruffled at your middle, hugging curves and kissing your skin beautifully. You feel confident and comfortable, which is important for a long night.

You sigh, glancing at your front door for a moment before turning the knob and opening up to see Austin. He’s standing in a suit, beautifully polished, hair perfectly coifed on his head. A navy button-down underneath a gray suit jacket, tie to match with a red spidery design that reminds you of tree branches in the winter.

A crinkle appears between Austin’s eyebrows because, “Why are you shakin’ your head?” He asks as he steps over the threshold and you close the door.

“I just naturally assumed you were going to show up in black. Black in your profile picture that finally loaded, black at the bar… I thought that was the only shade you owned.”

He runs a hand lightly over his chest. “Grays in the same shade family.” He’s joking but you’re not laughing and finally he just throws his hands up a little, “What’s the big deal?”

“Because we match.”

Austin looks down at himself and pauses, doesn’t get it, gives you a look that makes you feel a little crazy. “That a bad thing?”

“It’s—” No, it’s not exactly a terrible idea but it somehow digs under your skin because you want today to be perfect and Austin is supposed to be your boyfriend and you can’t be that couple that goes all matchy-matchy to events, right?

What are the odds that he shows up in something that is the exact same color as your damn dress?

“It’s too perfect, it’s not believable.” You say and he raises his eyebrows because that does not make one lick of sense. He takes a step towards you and you mirror one back, shaking your head.

Austin lets out a slow breath because you’re nitpicking and it annoys him, a flare of impatience decorating his handsome face. “Well I don’t exactly got another suit in my back pocket and we’re already late.”

You narrows your eyes, “Just…follow me. I’ll change.”

You’re up the stairs and in your bedroom before you realize what you’ve said, Austin slipping in behind you and looking around the room, drinking you in with permission you’ve accidently given him. You turn suddenly and slip off your heels, pressing one hand to his chest to stop him.

“Don’t move.”

He smiles a little and nods his head, sticking his hands in his pockets as he watches you slide into your walk-in closet to change. You sigh softly and run a hand over your forehead before you take a moment to unzip your dress and glance at your options.

“A lot of beige.”

You roll your eyes and pull out a black dress, quickly pulling it on and kicking your navy blue one to the side before stepping out of your closet. You don’t bother to zip it up until you make sure it’s the right one.

Austin has dutifully not moved from the spot on the carpet where you’ve left him and he scrunches his nose at your dress, “You goin’ to a wake?”

“What’s wrong with beige?” You glance around your bedroom; at the little accents you’ve added that have color to them. Some shades of coffee colored brown and touches of teal here and there. It’s minimalist but tasteful.

“It’s just not what I pictured.”

“You pictured my bedroom?” You ask, but the corners of your mouth pull slightly as you put your hands on your hips.

Austin tilts his head at you, eyes traveling over your body in an unashamed way. “Maybe.” He pauses for a moment to let that sink into your pores. “You don’t seem like a beige. Also, no to that dress. I can maybe get you not wantin’ to match completely but that doesn’t line up with what I got on at all.”

You nod and turn to go back into your closet, pulling the dress off and standing far too long in your underwear trying to decide on a color range. You could go gold…but that feels too flashy, gray is out of the question and so is another navy dress so…

You finger red fabric for a moment that matches the scarlet on Austin’s tie and pull it off the hanger.

“I’m not actually that fond of beige,” You admit over your shoulder as you pull the dress up—it’s a fit and flare that kind of reminds you of the sixties. Something that hugs your waist with a high-neck tanked top and flares out like a wide flame at the bottom. It hits just below your knees and your gold heels will still go nicely with it.

“But the house kinda came this way and…I never took the time to fix it.” You walk out of the closet, pulling your hair free from underneath. “Todd didn’t like bold colors anyways.”

Austin’s eyes descend on you like a cold rush of water, a wave crashing down onto your shores. He stares for what feels like a long time, his hands coming out of his pockets like he wants to touch but can’t—too far away. You smile softly as his gaze sticks, he’s captivated by the dress, and you notice he has to shake his head as you approach to be able to speak to you.

“So I’m guessin’ he’s not gonna like this.” He reaches to touch your waist, fingers pressing warmly into the fabric.

You chew on the inside of your cheek a moment, looking up at him. “Do you like it?”

He smirks gently, pulling on your elbow to turn you around. He doesn’t reply but you feel suddenly naked under his gaze as your bare back is exposed to him. He takes his time finding the zipper and slowly draws it up into place, fixing the little hook at the top. His hands rest against your shoulders and guide down, squeezing your arms before letting you go.

“Get your shoes. We’re already late.”

You let out a long sigh that somehow turns into a pout, making him smile, “We could stay here, you could give more wisecracks about my bedroom decorum.”

Austin smirks and grabs your purse from where it’s seated on the bed as you slip your heels back on. “As amazing as that sounds, that’s not what you’re payin’ me for.”

And the words sound sour, swallowing them down, nodding your head as you leave the bedroom with him.

--

The wedding itself isn’t actually terrible—it’s beautiful in a way that would make any woman envious. Lots of flowers and gold designs and as you watch the entire ceremony take place, you have moments where you wonder why you’re here. Was it really that important for you to show up? And not only that, but pay a date to be here? You keep going back and forth, like a serious game of tug-of-war.

Why did it matter if you showed up alone? Or with Jill?

Austin helps you with your coat, his hand on your lower back as you walk out of the church and towards the reception hall which is being held in this beautiful botanical garden that has rooms you can rent for things like this.

People begin to pile into the building, pausing at the coat check before heading into the reception all, and it’s right there that you suddenly feel like bolting. Truth is? Todd was your boyfriend for years before your breakup (a breakup that might have never happened if you hadn’t realized he was cheating, because clearly he hadn’t taken the initiative until it was too late). And it’s probably so stupid that you remained friends with him, that you were invited to this wedding, that you for some reason care about what he thinks—even now.

But you do.

You should have just moved on and thrown the wedding invitation in the trash but…feelings don’t always come in black and white. You constantly live in a shade of gray.

And you’re worried someone is going to see right through you tonight.

Austin squeezes your hand, getting your attention as you remain grounded by the coat check. He’s patient, waiting until your gaze meets his own. “You’re shakin’.” His other hand covers the one he’s already holding.

You nod your head and offer a smile you don’t feel. “I thought this would be easy. Having you here as a distraction, smiling at all the right times and drinking too much wine in a nice dress,” You shrug your one shoulder, “It doesn’t change how I feel.”

Despite the small amount of privacy the coat check wall provides, you can feel eyes on you two from different parts of the room; people slipping past to get a glass of champagne from the cash bar, fluttering in-between hors d'oeuvres tables and congratulating the couple. Guests who know who you are, who are whispering about you. You can hear Todd a few feet away; big laughs and too loud discussions that tell you he’s a little drunk but genuinely happy.

Or maybe this is all in your head.

“Look, I think you were gonna feel this way no matter if you came alone or with someone.” He runs his thumb over your knuckles. “But you can still do all the other things you mentioned,” Austin leans in, brushes his lips over your cheekbone as he talks, “Drink too much wine in a beautiful dress and smilin’ definitely doesn’t hurt.”  

He pulls back and you lick your lips, wanting nothing more than to lean up and kiss him again. To feel his arms wrap around you and pull you close, back outside, to his car, away from this place where you feel like you have to be someone you’re not.

Austin grasps your chin between his pointer finger and thumb, waiting until your eyes meets his own again. He leans forward to brush your lips together, gently, more to distract you than anything else because it’s not a kiss.

“Women hire me because they want to feel wanted and if that’s what you need to hear, then fine, I do want you, Y/N.” You let out a breath that sounds too shaky for your own good, your knees slightly buckling. All the other gazes you once felt on you fade away, until it’s only you and Austin in an empty botanical garden.

“But hearin’ that doesn’t matter until you want things for yourself. You want someone to believe in you? You want to feel confident? Wanted?” His hand falls to your waist, “Good enough?”

You swallow thickly, his words reaching something that’s still raw inside of you, that still hurts to think about. You want to pull away, nearly do, but instead surrender to his weight against you. It’s not his fault that he does a better job of reading you than you do looking in a mirror.

“Then it has to come from you first.”

You shake your head as he pulls away, his hand very simply returning to yours as you both move towards the cash bar. “I know you think you know me from a few meetings and a detailed email request. But you don’t.” Your words at least sound stronger than you feel.

Austin looks at you over his shoulder and smiles but says nothing in return.

--

Maybe the problem is, he does know you, even from the simplest interactions. Maybe you’re just not used to being seen. Todd never saw you, even when you gave him so many chances to try. You suppose at that point you need to want to try.

You’re seated at a table that has mostly co-workers and friends and you attempt not to cringe when someone asks you how you know the bride and groom. Austin swoops in and responds that they’re friends, his arm stretched out over the back of your chair. You’re grateful because the words we dated are sitting in your throat like a lump, difficult to swallow over.

The night spins forward, you’re able to avoid the bride and groom for the duration of it, just enjoying food and a little bit too much wine and hanging out with Austin. There are long conversations where you get to know one another, fill one another in about things that are real, beyond the layers of this fake-date situation.

It’s nice, seeing him in that light, getting to know him as if you’d bumped into him at a bar and enjoyed his company.

You almost wish that was the case, instead.

His arm squeezes around your waist as you both dance on the dance floor, his jacket on the back of his chair, dress shirt rolled up to his elbows. You’re definitely a little tipsy, the room is rose-colored, but all in all? It feels like a crisis has been avoided, you’re actually having a good time.

“Can I get you another glass of wine?” Austin asks, brushing his lips over your forehead, “Maybe some cookies from the dessert table?”

You grin, “You know me so well.” And it’s not a line, somehow, you’ve been craving cookies for the past half hour.

Austin smiles, nods, squeezes your waist and leaves you to do just that. You somehow ache with missing the heat of his body once he’s gone—and that’s how you know you’re slightly in over your head. You have to keep reminding yourself that none of this is real—the way Austin talks to you or looks at you, the way his hands travel over your body, the slight brush of his lips against your own.

It's all a lie.

A lie that you paid for.

Running a hand over your forehead, you turn and nearly bump into someone, blinking as you look up and—

“Todd.”

Your ex smiles, “Hey—I’m so glad you came, I wasn’t sure if you would.”

Neither was I, “What can I say? I’m full of surprises.” Chewing on your lower lip, you’re struck with being unsure of what to say, scanning the crowd for Austin before clearing your throat, “Uhm, everything has been beautiful.”

Todd smiles, nodding, taking a look around for his bride. “Thank you. Are you uh, here with Jill?”

You open and close your mouth like a goldfish until you feel that familiar arm slide around you. “No this is Austin,” You take the glass of wine and have a hearty sip and it instantly makes your head spin.

Todd clears his throat and even though he’s smiling, it’s clear he’s giving Austin a once-over. He did not expect you to be here with someone. “I didn’t know you were bringing a friend that wasn’t Jill.” He kinda laughs, like maybe it’s a joke that you don’t have many other close friends other than her.

But Austin is quick to smile, “Actually, I’m her boyfriend.”

And there it is, the look on Todd’s face that you were after this whole time. It’s quick, gone almost as soon as it appears, but lingers in his eyes. Regret, maybe even jealousy. Even though his wife appears by his side and introductions are exchanged.

Luckily the conversation doesn’t last very long, the bride and groom are swept towards other people, more dancing. Which is good because you’re pretty sure you noticed that the bride couldn’t keep her eyes off of Austin.

What a couple her and Todd make.

Downing the rest of the wine, you set it on the table, letting out a slow breath. Austin keeps his hands firm on your hips and you can’t quite meet his eyes. You’re not quite sure how…this wasn’t what you expected, nor wanted.

Just feels like a big mistake.

“Wanna get out of here?” He asks quietly, seeming to read your mind.

You nod and he keeps his arm around you until you make it outside and reach his car.

--

That last glass of wine did you zero favors and by the time you make it to your front door, you’re dropping your keys instead of sliding them into the lock. Austin smiles a little, picking them up and unlocking everything, pushing the door open. You’ve got a firm hand on his shirt because you’re swaying slightly, almost a little afraid of what might happen if you let go.

What if all of this is one weird dream?

“Where are we going?” You ask as he comes inside, closing the door behind him.

“Water n’bed.” Austin replies as he guides you into the living room.

You scrunch your nose and look to the ceiling, definitely knocking yourself off balance as the room spins. Austin lets out a short grunt as he catches you, steadying you against his chest.

“In that order? That’s so boring.”

He chuckles slightly, guiding you both until he has you in front of the couch, encouraging you to sit. “You got somethin’ else you’d rather do?”

You can’t help but grin at the question, poking at his chest. “I think you know what I’d rather like to do.” It’s like hot lava pouring from your lips, you can’t seem to stop it even though you know you’ll have burns later.

Austin hums under his breath but doesn’t respond, concentrates instead on keeping you on the couch once you’re seated.

“Stay there,” He says when you try to get up, holding onto your shoulders and pressing you gently down. “You good or you gonna slip off?” There’s an amused smile pulling handsomely at his lips as he tilts his head down to look at you, slipping his thumb and forefinger along your chin.

“Good, I’m so good.” You nod, determined to give him responses that make sense. You just wish the room would stop spinning.

Only when he feels like you mean it does he pull away from you. You closes your eyes as your fingers grip the cushion, trying to hold yourself in place. None of this really helps and instead you just end up feeling nauseas, forcing your eyes to open so you can see Austin.

He’s taken his jacket off, tie gone and shirt unbuttoned a bit, and seeing his chest and forearms makes heat unwantedly pool between your legs and you lick your lips, trying to focus on what he has in his hands.

“He…he honestly didn’t think I’d be there with anyone.”

A crinkle appears between Austin’s eyebrows and he pauses, “What?”

You swallow, not sure if your trail of thought makes sense. “Todd. Jerk.” You give as an explanation.

Something passes over Austin’s face but it’s gone as soon as it appears and he crouches in front of you, his one hand slipping over your knee a moment, “Do you actually care what he thinks?”

You hold his gaze for a long moment before shaking your head. He hums softly, squeezing, his thumb between your thighs and it’s really too distracting.

“Then fuck him; neither of those two seemed like they should be giving relationship advice.”

You giggle something ridiculous and cover your face with your hand a moment, glad you were able to make sense of all that even though you probably didn’t need to bring it up.

“You got anythin’ like a long t-shirt?” He changes the subject as he makes a motion to go upstairs. “I don’t think I’m gonna be able to get pants on you.”

You huff out a sound and rub a hand over your face, most likely smearing makeup in the worst way. “That’s alright, I like bein’ pantless.” You reach over and is happy you don’t tumble, using one hand to hold onto his shoulder to get his attention. “Upstairs, first drawer on the right.”

He’s back and forth quickly; makes you wonder how long you’ve actually been sitting there.

Him undressing you is a blur; you note that he does his best to dip his gaze when he can to give you a little privacy. Just enough that you can figure out that your head doesn’t go into one of the arm holes and assists when you starts whining that you can’t get it right. You throw your wedding dress aside and kicks off your heels, letting out a soft huff when Austin disappears into the kitchen.

He comes back with a warm washcloth that smells like lilac soap and he waits until your gaze focuses on him before he asks whether you can do this yourself.

You nod a little absently, taking the washcloth from him and wiping your makeup off before handing it back to him. You pull as many bobbypins as you can find from your hair and toss them onto the coffee table, pulling your strands back up into a bun before collapsing face first into the couch.

You barely feel the couch dip as you smush your face into a pillow, blankets being draped over your shoulders.

--

When you wake up, you don’t automatically remember where you are.

You lift your head and groan softly, pinching your eyes with your thumb and forefinger trying to get the pounding to stop. There’s a soft blue light casting shadows on the walls of the living room and oh, that’s right, you’re home. Austin brought you home last night.

You swallow and nearly sit up too fast, leaning up on your elbows because oh, oh fuck, now you remember. A wave of nausea crashes down on you for moving and you flutter your eyes closed briefly and hope that helps. When you feels confident enough to fix your gaze on something other than the inside of your eyelids, you turn to look at Austin who’s sitting up in one of the lounge chairs nearby against a few pillows, watching TV.

He didn’t leave. He stayed with you the entire night.

The sound from the TV isn’t loud enough to be heard but you can tell he does this often, eyes on the screen, just absorbing the images that flicker to life. His head dips to look over at you when you move; he looks tired. You really hope he didn’t sit up to just…keep an eye on you, making sure you slept alright.

You clear your throat, the sound scratchy and dry regardless of your trying, “Am I dead?”

Austin smirks a little and stands to come and sit by your legs, handing you a glass of water that’s on the coffee table. “Here. You passed out before I could get you to drink any.”

You sigh softly and close your eyes, moving to sit up further and is glad to see the room isn’t spinning anymore. “Lovely.” You drink deeply after a few tentative sips to make sure you can keep it down.

“You stayed.”

“I did.” Austin’s quiet for a few moments, playing with the corners of one of the blankets. Clearly he’s not going to elaborate. “You got a headache?”

You hum an affirmative response but it’s nothing water and Advil can’t cure. You lean your head back against the headboard, closing your eyes again for a few moments to avoid the blue light spilling into the room from the TV. You give yourself some time to sip your water before you open them again, setting the glass down on the table. There’s cookies there too, from last night. Austin kept them.

You sense embarrassment licking at your nerve endings, feeling a little ridiculous for your behavior. You should really know better than to let yourself go like that, especially since it doesn’t take too many glasses of wine in a row for it to happen.

“Sober?” He asks and there’s a tilt to his voice that you don’t like, far too amused.

You groan and turn your head to look at him, trying to muster up a glare that doesn’t stick. “Unfortunately.” You rake your fingers through your hair, trying to not even think about what you might look like.

You’re just glad you didn’t vomit.

A deep breath settles in and out of your lungs before you turn your head to look at Austin, the light of the TV casting beautiful shadows on his face. Your eyes skitter over the scruff beginning on his jawline and your fingers itch to follow. You clear your throat, getting his attention, and he turns his head to look at you.

“I’m sorry for getting plastered.” You smile a little because he does; that same amusement back on his face, though it doesn’t bother you this time around. “I’m shocked that you do weddings.”

You allow yourself to laugh a little, shaking your head like it’ll somehow clear the fuzzy memories of him bringing you back to your home, tripping over yourself. You regret the way you’ve carried yourself, but a tiny part of you is glad you decided to let yourself go, to enjoy the open bar and let your emotions run a little rampant for once.

You’re so used to keeping everything inside, to holding it all in. For once you didn’t.

Austin’s chewing on words he’s not saying, you can see the hesitance in his expression, wanting to say something but unsure if he should. You wait, don’t press, and eventually,

“Admittedly, I haven’t done a wedding in a while.” He shakes his head, “Because they tend to be messy in a way that I never expect.”

You wince, rubbing the back of your neck because…clearly you hadn’t planned on making a fool out of yourself but Austin quickly continues to explain,

“I don’t mean you.” He turns a bit to lean against the couch, his shoulder pressed along the cushions. Austin licks his lips, his eyes tracing your jawline and lips, slipping down your neck and collarbone enough to make you shiver.

“In your request, you said somethin’ like, ‘I don’t want my ex  to feel like he’s taken something from me. Something that’s mine and will always be mine’.”

You search his eyes for a moment and when his finally meet yours, something warm and aching starts in your chest, blooming outward like a flower only meant to grow at night. You swallow thickly, “You remember that?” Because you kinda…bared you soul in that request for a date service. You hadn’t meant to come across so desperate but…you were also just being honest.

“I have a very good memory,” He attempts to wave this off, and you want to tell him not to—that what he’s saying matters. Austin’s seeing you, over walls you didn’t realize you had up after all this time.

“You said kind of implied that you wanted Todd to regret cheating on you, but I think you really meant that you wanted him to see that he didn’t break you.” He licks his lips and trails his pinky finger along your jawline as he curls loose hair behind your ear. “I’ve met a lot of women in similar situations, and not all of them have handled it like you.”

A laugh slips out of your throat, something you can’t stop. You’re trying to break the tension gathering in the room, something heavy and thick like warm cotton settling over both of you. Handled it? You haven’t exactly done that well, have you? If last night is any indication.

“What, they didn’t hire a male escort and get piss drunk?”

He smiles gently, shaking his head. “They let their exes break them because they couldn’t figure out who they were without them.”

The warmth in your chest threatens to burst and you wish for a moment that you could see yourself the way Austin does, so clearly, like everything is laid out before him, all he has to do is read.

“But not you.” It barely leaves his mouth before you close the distance between them.

The heat erupts in a single kiss, both of Austin’s hands tangling themselves in your hair, pulling it loose from your haphazard bun. He kisses you like you’ve always wanted to be kissed, even though you hadn’t realized it was something that was missing until now.

He inches you forward, forcing you to move until you’re straddling his waist, blankets getting caught and tangled in-between. Anything that’s been building up suddenly releases into you both, like a wave crashing, heated breaths against skin and not being able to get close enough. Austin tugs off your long t-shirt and a shiver travels down your skin as you reach up and automatically unclasp your bra.

You sit there for a moment, almost in the wake of realizing what you’ve done, and you watch Austin’s gaze. His eyes drink you in, hands still on your waist, trailing up your sides, thumb slipping underneath one of your breasts to press against your ribcage. The touch is intimate enough to cause something sharp in your throat, thick swallowing for it to disappear. You lean forward, presses your foreheads together and you kiss again.

You’re fumbling to get blankets down, to move everything out of your way and Austin flips your positions, easing you down onto your back along the cushions. He rifles for something in his suit jacket that’s nearby while you slip your hips up to slide your underwear down and off and away. He’s got too many layers on and you itch to immediately remove his shirt when he’s overtop of you again.

Toned skin greets you and you can’t help but touch, sink your fingers in, drag your nails. The noises that leave Austin’s throat are enough to single handedly build the heat beginning in your lower belly, something you don’t think you ever want to stop hearing. He moves only long enough to take his pants off, tossing them to the side, and he holds your gaze—

He waits.

You swallow and know this is such a bad idea, that nothing good can come from this. But wasn’t it Austin who urged you to figure out what you want? You want to feel confident? Wanted? Good enough?

Then it has to come from you first.

There’s a half-nod in Austin’s direction before he’s slipping a hand down between you, to put a condom on but also—

You moan, rolling your hips as you feel his fingers slide against you, inside of you. He teases, rolls flesh between his thumb and forefinger, lips falling to your neck to leave kisses that eventually find your mouth again.

He takes his time even though you wish he wouldn’t, building you up and letting you down easy before pressing inside. You gasp and your back arches, hips rolling forward, Austin leaning down to capture your mouth again, to absorb your sounds. You wrap your legs around him, which makes moving a little difficult, but you don’t want him to move too far away, want to constantly feel him—keep you both connected.

Austin nips at your lower lip with his own, not taking you long to build up what you’ve started. Pleasure circles in your veins, pulling you towards an end that you doesn’t want to reach yet. He doesn’t stop, keeps moving his hips forward at a quickening pace and you dig your nails into his back.

You barely have time to warn him before you’re cumming, though because your bodies are molded together, you think he already knows—probably knew before you did. He grunts as he loses himself in you, his face falling to your neck, gentle panting and lazy kissing.

You tilt your head back so your throat is exposed, your hands slipping down his back and settling on his waist, his skin a little slick to the touch. He lays there for a long few moments and you take one another in, his chest pressing into your own as you both breathe.

He pulls back too soon for your liking, but you don’t have the energy to tell him to stop. Austin cleans himself up, slipping onto the couch again, this time behind you, and pulls you close. You turn on your side, blankets coming up over your shoulder as you puzzle-piece both of you together, your face hiding in his neck, already falling asleep.

Austin says nothing, which is fine with you, he doesn’t need to say anything. His lips find your shoulder, a few kisses here and there, hands intertwining in your hair.

You finally figure out what you want—

and you want this. You want him.

--

You wake up before Austin does, pulling yourself from the couch and disappearing into the bathroom near the kitchen. Looking at yourself in the mirror, you kinda shake your head before drawing up Jill’s text messages on your phone.

Y/N: I think I messed up.

You wash your face and feel a little more human, sitting down on the closed toilet seat as she pings you back.

Jill: oh no, what happened? Jill: please tell me Austin didn’t turn out to be a serial killer

You laugh, your hand covering your mouth. Jesus. A small, hysterical part of you wonders if that’d be easier to deal with.

Y/N: the wedding went fine, he brought me back home, stayed the night Y/N: may or may not have had sex with him on my couch this morning??

Jill instantly tries to call you and you press the red button—you can’t talk to her when he’s still here.

Y/N: I can’t, he’s still here

Jill: !!!!!! Jill: girl omg— Jill: how was it? 😉

Running a hand over your face, you wonder if you should have ever said anything. Then again, there’s this small smile tugging the corners of your mouth. In general, you know that there’s nothing wrong with what you’ve done—both of you are consenting adults. But then there’s this whole other layer of…paying him to be your date. It’s not like you paid him for sex or anything but…

You kinda can’t help but wonder how many jobs he takes that end up like this.

Y/N: it was perfect but that’s not the point

Jill: so what is the point?

You sigh softly, tapping on your cash app and just…wondering. So many insecurities and questions and wonderings wrapping around you like a blanket, except it’s far too tight, suffocating almost. Taking in a breath, you set your phone down on the counter, looking up when there’s a knock on the bathroom door.

“Y/N?” Austin asks, “You alright?”

Reaching over to grasp the knob, you open the door with a soft smile, “Yeah.”

Austin looks ridiculously adorable slept on. His hair is slightly askew, skin looking warm, a soft, tired look in his eyes. God, you can’t believe he’s been here for so long in these wedding clothes, back in his slacks and a white undershirt.

“I uh,” He clears his throat, “M’gonna head home. Shower, change. But…”

You lick your lips, your stomach flip-flopping with eagerness.

“I was thinkin’ I could come back later; we could talk?”

God, talking sounds like such a great idea. Not to mention you could shower too, put yourself together, feel more like someone capable of having a serious conversation. So you nod with a soft smile—that sounds perfect.

And then—

You can pinpoint the exact moment that Austin glances to the sink and sees the cash app open because his expression changes, like a shadow passing over but instead of dissipating—it stays, darkening the color of his eyes. A breath catches in your throat as you straighten your shoulders, words on your lips and stuck on your tongue. Nothing comes out.

His gaze flickers up from the phone to your eyes and what you see there is like a cold bucket of ice water, anger but…deeper, it’s—

“Not what it looks like.” You finally say, breaking the tension into pieces with a hammer.

Austin hums, nodding his head and licking his lips. He’s trying very hard to speak without sounding annoyed, “What’s it like then?” He asks, the words daggered. “Cause it looks like you were about to pay me for services rendered.”

You shake your head and stand from the toilet on wobbly knees. Austin takes a step back from you, almost like a caged animal, getting ready to bolt. And then you realize, right, he’s not angry, he’s hurt.

“No—”

“Don’t lie to me,” He grounds out, the words chewed on between his teeth.

A shuddered noise leaves your lips because you can tell you’re losing it, this conversation slipping like sand between your fingers. He’s not going to be willing to listen to you if you confirm he’s right, that you had thought about it—if you admit you weren’t sure what you were doing or what sleeping together meant.

You distantly know that this isn’t going to end well, no matter what you say. Austin tore his walls down in front of you, exposed himself, and now he looks like a fool for doing it. Even if it’s on accident, you’ve hurt him, and you’re not sure if you’ll be able to backpedal without looking guilty.

“I thought about it,” You admit after a moment. “I wasn’t…” The last thing you wanted to do was make him feel cheap; you know that this thing started as a transaction but also that something changed last night.

“Nah, it’s good. You were payin’ me to do a job, right?” Austin turns to walk back to the living room, gather up his things. And it’s like…you have no idea what you can possibly say, how you can stop him.

Your legs carry you forward, “Austin, don’t.” You sigh and puts a hand on your lips, suddenly feeling nauseas as he moves too quick for you to stop him.

“Business is business. You can stop feelin’ so guilty,” He straightens his shoulders before grabbing his jacket, slipping it on. Metaphorically it feels like a shield, another layer he’s building back up between them both, shutting you out.

He can’t possibly leave like this, right?

You’re practically stumbling over your own feet as he makes it to the front door, “Please don’t walk away.”

His hand pauses on the doorknob, just for a moment, like he might actually be considering your words. But then he yanks the door open and slams it shut once he’s outside.

You don’t go after him.

--

Time goes on.

You expect that Austin might reach out to you—to apologize, to start over, or maybe even request the unfulfilled payment that he was supposed to receive after the wedding date. But nothing, it’s radio silent…and you think that’s worse.

You want to reach out to him on your own, but you’re not even sure where to begin. How to apologize for thoughts that are incomplete in your head. How to express emotions that are sitting at the bottom of your ribcage.

You’re just hoping for a chance to apologize and explain yourself, even though you’re not entirely sure you deserve it. Is this really it? Going back to business as usual and pretend they never met one another?

You sigh as you hear a few knocks on your door and hate how it feels like hope, quickly moving from your kitchen to tug it open and see Jill on the other side. You give her a small smile, letting her inside,

“I got your twenty texts, you alright?”

You run a hand over your forehead and shake your head, moving towards the kitchen for Jill to follow. You offer her a cup of coffee, sitting back at the counter with your own. Wrapping your hands around the ceramic, you glance up at your friend,

“I screwed up.”

Jill sighs softly, grabbing a cup for the coffee because clearly, she’s going to need it. “Tell me what happened; your texts were all hysteria and no detail.”

You map out the whole thing from start to finish, the chapel, the reception, the night of, the morning after—your voice drops on intimate details, like somehow you have to keep them exactly that. Intimate.

“Damn, Y/N.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose, “I know…it was an accident.” You swallow. “The money part, anyways.”

She adds a few spoonfuls of sugar to her mug, stirring. “Does tall, blonde and brooding know that?”

You let your hand fall from your face, eyes focusing out the window above the sink at the city sounds and sights. Suddenly a dark blue gaze rekindles in your memory, the hurt there, wounded and refusing to let you past his boundaries again.

“I tried to tell him; he wouldn’t listen.”

Jill hums under her breath a moment and shuffles, “Maybe give him some time? Try him tomorrow.”

Easier said than done, “I don’t even know where he lives. He’s not going to pick up the phone if I try to call him; texts are useless.”

Your friend’s quiet for a few moments, considering—and then a sound leaves her lips and you picture a lightbulb going off on her facial expression. “But you know where he works.”

--

You stand outside the café that Austin works at for what feels like a long time, staring at the sign and pacing back and forth to your car parked down the street. You really hope no one is watching you because you probably looks crazy; you feel crazy. You can’t just approach this man where he works, can you? You don’t even know if he’s working today.

But it’s…worth a try, right? Like one last shot before you just drop it.

You’re not sure that if the situations were reversed, he’d show up at your front door, so. Or maybe you’re just hoping he would.

So after spending ten minutes contemplating what to do, you finally force yourself to walk up the café door and make your way inside. It’s a hole in the wall but filled to the brim with people at tiny circular tables, waiting in line to place their order with a beautiful blonde cashier and satisfied customers adding sugar and creamer to their coffees at a station to your left.

The heady scent of fresh coffee and baked goods slam into you like a truck, leaving you almost breathless. This place blends in when it should stick out—she wonders if you didn’t know Austin if you’d come in to order an iced coffee just walking by on the street.

Your eyes graze behind the counter until you finally spot him further down, filling baked goods trays in a window that were once empty. A ton of questions hit you at once; did he make those baked goods that are at his fingertips? How does he separate the time between the café and the stand-in job? What are you going to say to him?

Before you can fully approach him, Austin glances up—and spots you.

He’s not happy to see you but he doesn’t look as pissed off as the last time you saw him, so, you consider that progress. You swallow as you walk towards the counter and your hand settles on the top of the glass, the lights above the pastries warming your palm.

“Hi.” That’s it? That’s all you can say? This conversation is going to be just as painful as the last one.

Austin doesn’t have a chance to open his mouth because another worker, a blonde girl, rushes to the counter because she must be on register, “Hi,” She smiles, bright, “We have orange scones on sale today. What can I get you?”

You smile gently at her, glancing at Austin and wondering if he’s going to step in or just…continue not saying anything to you. You suppose you don’t blame him.

“I’ll uhm, take a hazelnut latte and one of those scones,” You nod, reaching for your wallet in your purse, “Thank you.”

“I got the rest of this, Chloe,” Austin steps in as you stick your card into the reader. “Thanks.” He watches her go before turning his attention back to you, customers passing by and receiving orders that he’s already packed at the end of the counter. He hands over your receipt.

“You stalkin’ me now?” He asks but he’s not amused, drumming his fingers on top of the counter.

You let out a slow breath and he moves to fill your order, working the espresso machine with practiced ease, “You won’t text me back.”

“Maybe that’s cause I didn’t wanna talk to you,” He says pointedly before motioning towards your right, “You skipped the line.”

“I didn’t want to order anything, I just wanted to talk.”

He smirks but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes and he grabs an orange scone, wrapping it in a napkin. “Look at you, really learned how to be honest about what you want.”

“You taught me how.” You insist, trying to catch his gaze. When you finally do, you hold it there, trying to will him to listen to you—because you’re not grasping at straws, meeting him, spending time with him…being with him really taught you about parts of yourself that were missing.

Or maybe not missing, exactly, but lying dormant.

“I just want five minutes of your time, please, then I’ll leave you won’t hear from me again.”

Austin lets out a long patient sigh with a shake of his head, something between aggravation mixed with a touch of being impressed—you’re persistent, at least. He’s going to hear you out and suddenly all the words mix in a blender and sink to the bottom of your ribs; you’re almost unsure of how to put this but all you can do is try.

“You’ve been right since we first met; I didn’t know how to want things for myself even though I expected so much out of other people.”

You chew on your lower lip a moment, eyes tracing over the handsome lines of his face—now was not the time to get distracted.

“This whole thing caught me off guard, I wasn’t prepared to want you…and not just as my stand-in date, but you.”

He doesn’t hold your gaze and maybe that’s okay, he busies himself with getting other people orders, keeping the line moving but you can tell he’s still listening to you. He’s still intent on hearing you through…even though you’re almost certain it’s not going to make a difference.

You can tell by his expression, by those walls remaining firm; they’re not budging for you.

Not again.

“The money thing was a mistake. You were right, I did open up my app and think about it because I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what this thing was or if I was…imaging how I felt. So I fucked up but…so did you for not sticking around and talking to me.”

Austin’s shoulders straighten; he doesn’t appreciate you calling him out. A rod appears up his spine, his posture almost towering despite the glass case between them.

“I just…that’s it,” You swallow, your thumb running over the scone in your one hand and picking up your finished latte with another. “That’s all I wanted to say. Sorry for disrupting your work.”

You turn quickly, can’t take the look in his eyes anymore, the bustle of other people around you. You’ve said what you needed to—you should feel more complete than before, right? Because at least he knows your side of things.

It’s his turn.

You push the door open, the welcome bell dinging after you as you leave.

He doesn’t come after you.

--

You try to shake your head as Jill orders another shot, but can’t quite stop her because the woman has a mind of her own when it comes to having a good time.

“No,” You crinkle your nose.

Jill laughs, “Oh come on—one more. You’re not calling it early already, are you? We can get fries after this.”

You sigh, a bit dramatically, but how can you turn down fries? “Fine.” You shake your head, running a hand over your face as you sit at the counter of your frequent bar, “I’ll be back though.”

You slide off the barstool, motioning she should save your seat as you put your purse on it. She grins, cups your cheeks with her hands and plants a kiss on your forehead. You shoo her off, moving through the crowd to the restroom. Once you’ve used the bathroom and spend a little time with a cold and wet paper towel to the back of your neck, you come back out and nearly run someone over—

And blink because—

“Austin.”

It’s been a few months since you’ve seen him but fuck, he looks just as amazing as he did when you tried to explain yourself in the café. Wearing a pair of dark blue jeans, boots and a white button down, he’s got a leather jacket on as well, just a bit more scruff to his face.

“I was wonderin’ if you were gonna be here.” But it’s…contemplative, thoughtful, like he might have actually planned on trying to find you in the bar where you met.

You feel like the world might be spinning off its axis. “Here I am.”

He smiles a little, glancing over his shoulder and fuck, you wonder if he’s here with someone and—you’re pleasantly surprised that it doesn’t cause some adverse reaction. No punch in your gut that you completely screwed everything up. Time, it seems, does heal some wounds.

Maybe not heal, scar at the very least.

“I saw you post somethin’ on your instastory and I was…well I was hopin’…” He kinda trails off and two thoughts slam into your body like a freight train. One, he sounds…nervous? Which you feel like is very unlike him, given what you’ve been through together. And second? It actually sounds like he knew you were here and he meant to find you on purpose.

“Can we talk?” He asks, “Maybe outside?”

“Yes,” And god, you hope you don’t say that too fast. “Fresh air sounds good.”

As you begin to walk outside with him, you text Jill letting her know where you’re going (and with who). She sends you exactly three text messages in response that you don’t dare look at.

You take in a deep breath in once you get outside, the cool air settling over you like a bucket of cold water. You almost wish you grabbed your jacket from the bar but…dragging Austin over there towards Jill would have been such a bad idea.

It’s fine—the air is refreshing, a bit sobering and this conversation probably won’t last long either way. Taking in a breath, you turn to look at him, a soft smile on your face as you wrap your arms around yourself.

“So…”

Austin clears his throat, “You uh—?” He motions to his jacket and you’re not quite strong enough to deny his offer, so you gently nod your head. Austin slips off his leather jacket and hands it to you and you put it on.

A soft noise of approval leaves your lips as your arms go through the sleeves, a little bit long, feeling perfect though when you zip it up. The lingering scent of his cologne and skin is enough to almost knock you on your knees.

“Thank you.” You whisper, curling your hair around your ear.

You know that Austin is gathering his thoughts, but waiting almost somehow feels worse. You’re just…not sure what to do with yourself other than stare at him, hands stuffed in the pockets of his leather jacket.

“I shouldn’t have left you like that,” He finally says, “At your place?” It’s like the tension start to unwind from your shoulder at that, you almost have to physically swallow over your words so you can let him speak. “Just…felt like what we did, it was real—and—”

“It was real,” You assure him, can’t allow him to think otherwise, “I know this is going to sound cliché but…opening that cash app had everything to do with me, not you. I wasn’t second-guessing what happened.”

Austin gently waves you off, “It’s not your fault, I—I’m so used to things bein’ a business transaction that I just jumped to conclusions.”

You give him a small smile and it feels good? to be on the same page after all this time but…it’s not like, “It’s okay,” You curl your hair around your ear, “I’m not sure where something like this could go. I wouldn’t ask you to quit a job that’s clearly lucrative.”

Austin nods softly, “Well you don’t have to, because I already have.”

You’re not sure why what he says doesn’t register right away, you’re kinda just staring at him, wrapped up in his leather jacket, people passing you both on the sidewalk as you stand outside this bar.

Then you blink, “What?”

He smirks, running a hand through his hair as he nods, “Yeah, I uh—just didn’t want to do it anymore.”

You feel like your brain might be short circuiting, “But about acting? What about L.A.?”

A soft laugh rumbles in his throat, “I can still do L.A. Bein’ an actor isn’t goin’ anywhere.”

And you know that he still has a café job, that he can find other jobs to satisfy what he wants in terms of collecting money but…somehow you’re worried he’s traded one thing in for another. Even though Austin doesn’t look like he has any regrets as he takes a step towards you. His hands gently rest on your arms, sliding down, like he’s waiting for you to push him away.

When you don’t—

“You're not the only one goin' after what they want.”

You can’t stop a small laugh from slipping from your lips and before you can talk yourself out of it, you press yourself up on your toes and kiss him. His arms wrap around you automatically, drawing you closer, his one hand cupping the back of your neck.

It feels like you’re kissing for a long time, or maybe it’s just felt too long since you’ve kissed. Either way, pulling away makes you feel a bit breathless and Austin smiles, pressing your foreheads together for a moment.

It feels like starting over, or maybe even better, a new chapter.

[dollfaceirene]

do better or stay bitter

So i'm finally off my blog posting break and i came up with this idea a few days ago so i decided today to finally write it up as a post today.

Imma cut it short and keep it blunt, some of yall do alot more complaining than changing and its like don't yall find it tiring?

Some of yall will come on apps to complain about "not being able to manifest", someone gives you advice or recommends useful posts and yall read over the post and never actually apply it to your own mindset/state and its like, don't yall find it tiring?

It comes to a point where y'all will be aware that you are re-affirming the same assumptions that simply don't benefit you and keep reinforcing the fact you are in a state of lack rather than actually taking time to reflect and affirm & make assumptions that are actually beneficial to what you want.

☆ lemme give an analogy,

We have Samantha and we have Jessica. Both Jessica and Samantha found out about the law of assumption around the same time and have recently finished their uni degrees.

Both Samantha and Jessica are currently applying to work at their dream jobs. Samantha, working at a bank and Jessica, working as a pharmacist.

Currently, both Samantha and Jessica haven't been having much success with looking for jobs as they either don't get any interviews or just don't get any callbacks.

This put Samantha and Jessica into a spiral of them affirming stuff of lack, e.g. "i will never be able to find a job" and since its their dominant assumptions, they are constantly shown in the 3D that they find it hard to get a job.

One day, Jessica was scrolling through her phone and saw a loa youtube video from a youtuber she subscribed to awhile back. She decides to watch this video and it gives a simplified summary of what the law of assumption is & how to apply it. She decides to keep affirming that she has her desired job no matter what was shown in the 3D. If she saw she didn't get any callbacks, she would keep affirming that she did have her desired job and that she was in control of her reality. Awhile later, she gets an interview to work at a private pharmacy and ends up landing the job there.

Meanwhile Samantha starts to overconsume alot of law of assumption posts, success stories, etc and never wants to apply the information. She always feels insanely jealous of people who have manifested desired things. She one days decides to do a mental diet however, instead of being disciplined with her thoughts & flipping any thoughts that didn't benefit her, only a few hours into the mental diet, she "quits" saying its too hard and that the law of assumption never works for her, even though it is universal & can be used to manifest anything.

the main point i want yall to get is that,

i) anyone is capable of changing their dominant assumptions

ii) only you can change your reality

iii) the law of assumption is neutral

Yall need to stop sitting on the sidelines while reading other success stories wishing it was you, newflash, it can and will be you once you've decided you have that in your reality.

Do better. Start that mental diet, listen to your affirmation tapes, do whatever helps you feel fulfilled or whatever. Stop going back to old story once you see something unfavourable in your 3D. Stop moping around how you "wish the loa will work for you" when it does! it works for everyone, you are no exception.

Be the Jessica of your reality. Be the one who identifies & decides that they have their desire no matter what instead of being the one who allows themselves to be the victim of their reality (which they can easily change) *cough, cough* Samantha.

Words of comfort: i just want to close off this post by saying i know alot of the time, circumstances can be so overwhelming that its so hard to affirm against it and can just be so frustrating at times. I hope you find peacr & comfort in your reality and wishing you all the best <3 rooting for yall, you can do this :)

stay limitless, xoxo irene

[buterccup]

GEN Z READER IN TASK FORCE 141 HC

A/N: I saw a couple of these and I couldn't stop trying to find more, and I just love the concept of all these big men trying to understand the reader's humour but I also love how they try to watch over them even though they can easily take care of themselves. Also, do expect the codename to change if I make another one of these but if anyone has ideas please tell me. Anyways I hope this doesn't flop and please enjoy.

Warnings: Dark humour, Suicide jokes, simping, swearing, mentions of parents leaving the reader, basically gen z stuff, usual CoD violence

Character(s): Soap, Gaz, John, Ghost, Price x Gn! reader (And graves kinda-)

Codename: Daffodil

There is no thinking about it you are the youngest and probably the shortest in the task force.

When Laswell first told Price that he will have someone younger than he expected to join the task force he immediately said no, he wasn't going to babysit you.

Plus you looked way too young to be in the army

Little did he know, you got your codename for a reason.

But once Laswell said you were very strong and he could trust you to hold your own and that he had to, he didn't have much of a choice.

And as expected once Price and Laswell introduce you to the boys they were shocked too.

There was a literal child in front of them.

And Soap being Soap he let out a little chuckle earning a nudge and glare from Ghost and an "ahem" from Price

"This is Daffodil, your new rookie. And I warn you don't underestimate them just from their name. Treat them well."

At first you were very quiet and only spoke when spoken to, almost beating Ghost's stoic and quiet nature

To which the rest of 141 joked about quite a lot

but after a while, you started to open up to them which was a nice sign

But the boys did catch onto your humour pretty quickly which caused them to worry for your mental state.

You would start saying suicide jokes at 1 mile per second at every small inconvenience.

"If that happens again I'm going to jump in front of a car- I am going to hang myself- I cannot right now-"

"Kid...It's just paper work..."

"Exactly"

One time you and the group were going after a target and of the guys' men shot you in the arm. It wasn't as bad as you thought it would be but it still hurt.

While Soap and Gaz asked if you were okay you were completely hysterical at the moment. So much in fact that you shouted something so stupid before the guy met his inevitable end.

By Ghost too:D

Thanks Ghost<33

"Do you want this back???"

BLAM

"Oop, mans left quicker than my dad."

To say the least, your boys were concerned for you because of that

Even Ghost tried to check up on you every minute or two after they got the bullet out and patched you up.

You all eventually got the target in the end but your boys ended up forcing you to go get your wound checked since a, and I quote, "Crusty dusty" building wouldn't be the best place to pick out bullet fragments.

You came back with one of the doctor's pens because you liked it and claimed you finessed him when in reality he gave it to you because he noticed you staring and you were too scared to ask.

It was a LED cat paw pen

"Gaz what does finesse mean?"

"I don't really know..?"

"What do you mean you're supposed to know-"

One time you shouted slay during a mission once Ghost killed one of the targets.

To be honest, it did make him laugh but Price, on the other hand, didn't understand but he soon got what it meant. Kinda.

With that being said Gaz and sometimes Soap are the go-to when Price or Ghost don't understand what the hell you just said since they are the younger ones.

Which also means you got along better with them

And if they don't understand something they always try their best to find out and find more things you would laugh at.

Soap even goes that extra effort to make memes and send them to you.

But don't get me wrong you love spending time with Price and Ghost.

And speaking of memes you always end up making stupid gifs of Ghost and always end up sending them to the tf141 group chat that you made to annoy them most of the time or Ghost himself where you sometimes end up joke flirting with him

Mans is scrumdiliumcious if you did say so yourself

(Ahem basically the gif at the start of the hcs)

One time you called Ghost Mummy and Soap and Gaz wouldn't stop laughing while Price sighed at the little slip-up.

It wasn't a slip-up.

You defiantly burst into Price's office most of the time too when you have nothing to do.

Even though hearing Price drone on about his paperwork doesn't sound that fun it's nice to hear his voice.

And If you didn't have good parents or were absent most of your life he would never turn you away once he sees you at his door.

This also applies if you have good parents too

From the number of times he had to lecture you and your boys about how you can't have McDonald's after a mission and how it's bad for you is basically allowing him to adopt you.

Once you met Grave one thing kept popping into your mind.

Fix it Felix.

Which didn't really give you both a great start but he warmed up to you sooner or later.

And as much as an asshole he is most of the time he actually gets concerned when he hears one of your suicide jokes.

When he first heard one over coms he made sure to keep an eye on you every so often and even messaged you after the mission was over.

Don't get me wrong Graves is kinda...shitty but that doesn't make him that much of an asshole to not check up on a 'child' when they say something concerning.

And when all your boys are free and there is time you all have a movie night.

It's quite relaxing, it was nice to have these quiet moments with your boys considering your jobs.

Although one time it was getting really late and you all got through 2 movies and you almost looked like you were going to pass out so that's when papa Price came out.

"Papa, more movie."

"No the movie is over, we gotta go.."

"PAPA"

"Oh, Jesus Christ.." (💀)

"Me. Want. More. Movie."

"No Daffo-"

"YOU LIE"

"Kiddo the movie is-"

"Price what did you do-" (🧼)

Once you calmed down and Price realized what you said he cried internally.

Everything was okay in the end though and Gaz had that on camera so they can always look back and laugh at it.

Requests: Open

Part 2!

[vampziry]

void state: tips, affirmations, my experience and motivation.

⚠️ i don’t want to sound “rude”, but i will be very straightforward with all that i’m adding to this post, i want to be a help, not only for you, but for me too. i have encountered my fails and mistakes while practicing the void, i want to address them all below to help people analyze and wake them up.

number one: the victim mentality.

you have probably wondered in any point of your journey: why aren’t my desires here? i am doing everything that i can and they still aren’t here.

you probably don’t notice the problem while you’re thinking like this, your mind got tricked into thinking IT IS like that, you have assumed this for so long that your mind only knows that fact and it won’t change unless you decide to flip the thoughts.

you are wondering.

you are NOT accepting.

the moment you notice that you’re looking for a result to say it’s been working, you will see that you’re doing everything wrong. you are NOT SEARCHING. your desire IS HERE. you just need to switch that mentality and accept it is yours. as soon as your thoughts align with your new mentality and beliefs, your life will go better and you will manifest faster.

number two: the limiting beliefs.

no. you didn’t have any limiting beliefs in the first place until someone started to point them out. you think that because something worked in the way it did to another person, it would be the same for you.

N O.

you can be literally sitting, doing nothing, just thinking OF SOMETHING, and it can easily manifest if you assume it will. you do not need to do what x person did, you do not need to have a strict mental diet, you do not have to saturate your mind to the point you’re drained. you do not need to impress anyone, you do not even have to impress yourself.

why not? because a god knows their power and if a god knows the power they hold, they know that everything is easy and they can do anything cause they are a creator. they want a chair to appear in front of their eyes? sure, they can make it appear. they want to be a leader in everything they do? sure, they are a leader. they want to materialize whatever thing they are thinking in that exact moment? a piece of cake.

the moment you embody the god mindset and you start acting as if, you will mock yourself for wasting all that time doing nothing but complaining and running here and there asking bloggers for advice when you don’t even need that, all you need is: believing in yourself and know your true power.

number three: procrastinating, doubts and wavering.

you don’t have to worry about the why, where and how. it’s obvious that is because you deserve that, if you are wanting something is because you know by fact that you deserve it. the time, the date, it doesn’t matter. it is yours. you are that person you are wishing to become. you have that dream body. you have that dream house. you have all that money.

instead of scrolling down through success stories and feel happy about other success, you should be applying all that you have learned from them and their posts. you are the only one who is capable to change their fate and reality, if you decided to sit down and do nothing, how are you gonna make progress? how are you gonna see changes? it’s contradictory when we say that you can manifest while doing nothing, but it’s not the same nothing KNOWING and ASSUMING it’s yours than nothing NOT APPLYING and POSTPONING your desired life.

i want you to ask yourself: what am i doing? what is stopping me? why haven’t i done progress? and answer those questions with total sincerity. if you think you can’t achieve it, you are stopping yourself and your mind and it won’t manifest. if you flip the thought: i can achieve everything as soon as i set the intention for it, i deserve every one of my desires.

stay loyal to your assumptions, don’t doubt them, what you assume is what you’re gonna get.

number three: the void state.

we really love the idea of getting anything in an instant, it makes us feel untouchable. wrong. it doesn’t make us feel untouchable, WE ARE untouchable.

if you are complaining and saying things like: i don’t know why i am not entering the void, i do everything, i meditate, i affirm but i can’t even feel symptoms.

N O.

stop right there. you are assuming it, every void experience is different even though people describe it as the same, of course IT IS the same feeling but every experience is seen in another point of view. there are some times where you won’t even notice that you’re in.

you need to assume you always get in easily, you need to believe that it is easy. BECAUSE IT IS. people overcomplicating something so simple as breathing and relaxing.

don’t let negative thoughts take over your assumptions, remember, all you have to do is stay still, relax yourself and affirm for it. you need to persist, it doesn’t matter if you aren’t feeling anything at all, you are getting in.

i also had my doubts with it, i would try every day but i noticed how obsessed i was with it that i had to take a break from it and returned again with new assumptions and i have got in twice, the problem is that i fall asleep.

a tip from me if you’re struggling with this deep sleep at night just right after you start meditating: drink coffee throughout the day, start earlier (1 hour before the hour that you usually nap) or have a little nap in the afternoon. it will sure help you a ton. my concept is alright but what’s stopping me from focusing is that damn sleepy feeling.

if some day you’re feeling guilty, remember: that is what you want, why do you want it? cause you deserve it. nobody or nothing can change that fact. it’s yours.

if you still struggle with the void after all, i have some personal affirmations that now won’t be that personal cause i’ll be sharing them with you:

i am the void.

i enter the void whenever i want.

the void is so easy for me to enter.

as soon as i think of the void, i get in.

no matter what, i’m always in the void.

i enter the void easy and effortlessly.

i deserve everything that i desire.

i can’t be behind it if i am the void.

every night i enter the void.

i always wake up in the void.

i love how easy it is for me to enter the void.

i don’t need to worship the state because i am the void and the creator.

i know the void is within me and i can dominate it.

i am a master at the void state.

they could never dominate the void like i do.

i get into the void instantly.

remember that nothing is impossible.

the only thing that is impossible is what you make your mind believe is impossible. you’re a creator, you’re deserving of everything and you have your desires.

[chaisshitposts]

HIIII ITS ME AGAIN, THE EYELASHES ANON AND Y'ALL BETTER SIT AND READ ALL I ALMOST CRIED WHILE READING THIS BOOK

Anyways, EXTREMELY LONG MOTIVATION/ADVICE (seriously read it all, it will help you so much):

wanted to share something i had to myself for a long time ago, maybe I'll actually make a post about it if I had the time, but in the meantime, I want to give some advice for those struggling with the void/manifesting/shifting/subliminals, basically anything. My mom read a book called "the power of the subconscious mind" by Dr. Joseph Murphy, then she advised me to read it, once I read it, I swear I had a full mental mind shift, like my whole concept changed so easily. And damn to be me if I decided to gatekeep it, y'all deserve it, so here are the most important things I've highlighted in the books, please take a minute and read them over and over, you'll understand so easily

First of all, let's get to the easy part, what is the subconscious and the conscious mind?

Subconscious mind: can be called the right mind, the mind which is basically on autopilot, the mind where everything is possible regardless of time, the mind where you imagine, the mind which acts upon a belief without any problem, the mind where it makes your preferred hand write without reminding yourself which hand is it

Conscious mind: can be called the left mind too, the mind which is logical, the mind who debates if to believe this or that, the mind where you see the 3d currently, the mind where you do the maths by a set of rules, the mind where it will pass the beliefs to the subconscious and let it to decide on it, the gatekeeper

Now that we know what it is, how about we see the important information I've gathered? (+IT HAS MURPHY'S ACTUAL METHOD):

1. "A personal healing will ever be the most convincing evidence of our subconscious power"

this is absolutely the most important thing, Murphy here said that if you have ANY problem that your body or mind or your 3d sees, it's YOU who fixes it, it's you who can change it, because the subconscious mind fashioned it, of course it can heal it's own handiwork

2. "A scientific prayer is the harmonious interaction of the conscious and subconscious levels of mind scientifically directed for a specific purpose"

THIS.RIGHT.HERE. this is literally what made me so open-minded, when you ask your subconscious for something, your conscious mind sometimes doesn't believe in it, why? Because it's logical, and some sort of a stubborn shit- nvm, anyways, your desire will show up once you align the conscious with the subconscious, in short, you'll make it into a belief that even your conscious agrees to, that's why most methods of manifest/shifting/etc etc... has this technique where you get drowsy, why is that? To make the conscious mind drowsy and accepting anything you say, going straight to the subconscious

3. "You need not acquire this power of the subconscious mind, you already posses it"

This is true, that's why some people get confused why as that some can get whatever they want so easily yet they won't, they will follow others and try to be in the state of overconsumption, YOU DON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE, IT'S ALREADY YOURS???

4. "Whatever you impress on your subconscious mind is expressed on the screen of space as condition, experience and event"

This right here says the most things many is worried about, once you impress the subconscious with whatever you want to, it will materialize in the 3d! It's easy as that??? All you need to do is to impress the conscious and the subconscious

5. "Every thought is a cause, every condition is an effect"

There is no such thing as "impossible" to manifest, NOTHING, Murphy stated even if it's cancer, it can already be cured if you want to, every condition you are in, wether desperation, sadness, pain, etc... these are all an effect that can be easily shunned away if you want to, all you need to do is to fix the idea or thought in your mind, to show up as an desired effect

6. "Change your thoughts, and you change your destiny"

In short, live as though you already posses it, I mean come on, why would u be worried if you know that you ARE LITERALLY THE VOID??? exactly! You are the void and can access it whenever you want, you decide, not your body, you control your body, not you, you control your thoughts, not your mind, your mind will just act upon it like a faithful servant, or better if you say a friend

7. "Your conscious mind is the watchman at the gate, it's chief function is to protect your subconscious from false impressions, choose to believe something that you would want it to happen now, your greatest power is your capacity to choose, you have the power to choose"

This is so important, it talks about the beliefs that are already locked up in subconscious mind, like how to hold a spoon and how to breathe, but when a new idea or thought comes up, sometimes the conscious mind doesn't like new ideas, you have to impress it and act as though it's already a belief, like how you breathe, choose to change and choose to believe it, your subconscious cannot argue with you, only your conscious does, which you need to quite it down

8. "Your subconscious cannot take a joke, it brings everything you to pass in reality"

Saying you can't do something, or feeling desperate, is your call of conscious mind impressing the subconscious that you can't do it, that you can't have it, so change it, no I don't meant to think of toxic positivity, but when you get these ideas, gently drift them away, act as though it's already yours because it's already yours, and Definitely do not think that the suggestions and statements of others will have an impact on you, the only one in power here is you, it's your reality, ignore them

9. "Prior to sleep, turn over a specific request to your subconscious mind and prove it's miracle working power to yourself"

Murphy here stated that before sleeping, your conscious mind is too tired to disagree with anything, so play out a scene, or directly ask your subconscious, you can request it as though you're requesting a friend, and I can assure you this works like magic once you trust it, I used it to wake up at 4 AM sharp, I just turned over, and said to my mind "hey subconscious, would appreciate it if you wake me up sharp at that time, anyways, goodnight and thanks", kid you not I woke up, I tried that yesterday, you can ask your subconscious questions! It knows everything about you, because you already gave access to it

10. "All frustration is due to unfulfilled desires, if you dwell on obstacles, delays, difficulties, your subconscious mind will respond accordingly, in here you are blocking your own good"

This is so true, don't dwell on past mistakes that you haven't got the desires yet, ignore the 3d, let your mind screen your 3d, by mourning over the unfulfilled desires, you are just blocking yourself into getting the results, leave the past, you are so close, so so close

11. "To impress the conscious and letting the subconscious act upon it, imagine the happy ending or solution and feel the thrill of accomplishment, keeping your conscious busy with the thoughts of it's already there, and your subconscious will act in harmony, bringing it to reality"

This is easy, impress your conscious, in short, act it out and maybe live in the end, do whatever you want to, hell, you can even not do anything but just have the belief that you already have it, done

12. "Avoid all effort or mental coercion in requesting your subconscious, get in a sleepy drowsy state, and lull yourself to sleep feeling and knowing you already have it"

This is so close to the command your subconscious mind method, I've also read it that "a mental picture is worth a thousand words", that's why by picturing it and feeling it, it will impress the subconscious greatly

13. "Remember, that a thankful heart is always close to the riches of the universe"

Be happy right now, in your life, just act If you want to, because what you want is already here! Be extremely happy and excited, live your life, be silly, be grateful, soon enough, you'll get what you want, let that soul rest a bit, take a break if you need it, nothing will fly, you can do this

14. "Know that you can remake yourself by giving a new blueprint to your subconscious mind"

THIS, THIS MADE ME CRY- you can change, everyone can, it all needs an idea, an idea to give the subconscious, wanna change and believe that you're a master at manifestation? Done, ask your subconscious, tell it you wanna change, and seal it that you have already changed, it's similar to the psych-k

15. "Easy does it, take it easy, too much effort shows anxiety which blocks your path, easy does it"

Be calm, know that you'll get it one day, know that you ARE going to get it soon, you're a master, you're amazing, you're a wonderful human, you can change, you're amazing, if you ever felt anxious, take a step back and be calm, do something if you want to keep your mind off, because no matter what emotions you have, let's say you cried, this doesn't mean it has negative effect and erased your efforts, it's a normal feeling, stop being too worried, regardless of everything, you already have it, I'm so proud of you💗

16. "You do not have to strive or slave hard, lay back, and let your mind do the work"

Easy as it says, lay back, get lazy if you want to, just request your brain and you'll get it eventually, be happy about life rn! You're so lucky to have made it so far, you'll make it soon, just lay back

17. "Feeling envious or jealous of others are stumbling blocks to the flow of manifestation, feel happy for them, you'll get it too, why stress?"

This is so true, I've heard many feeling annoyed that some can shift or manifest or enter the void at first try while others can't, I used to think like this too, but this is the worst feeling to have, it will make you feel shitty, you deserve everything, and you'll soon get it, be happy for others and the happiness will find it's way back to you

18. "One reason many people simply make end meets is that they condemn the thing, what you condemn takes wings and flies away"

Why would you hate yourself for not being able to enter? You're just paining your brain! You deserve peace, you can do it, take a break, leave it off, be confident, don't hate anything, hate caused a lot of problem in this world, yet it hasn't solved any

19. "Stop trying to get something for nothing, you give mental attention to your goals, and it responds back in harmony"

Some want to do nothing and sit back while complain, this can't be, YOU DON'T NEED TO WORK, Like the only one small tiny thing you need to do at least is to believe, THATS IT, YOU CAN IGNORE ANYTHING ELSE IF YOU WANT TO, just have the belief

20. "Find out what you love to do (techniques to manifest, wake up in void, shift- anything else), then do it, if you don't know your true expression, ask your mind for guidance, and help will come"

There are thousands and thousands of methods, all you need to do is to pick what you feel comfortable with, stick to it and persist with it, or you can make your own! Manifestation is fun, do whatever you want to, your mind will understand whatever you say

21. "Thoughs+feelings=belief"

Can't say anything else, this is the key, fuse feeling of the scenario with the thought, and persist with it, there you have it, it will become a belief in mind ready to materialize

22. "You delay your answer by thinking it will take a long time, or that it's a big huge problem, your subconscious doesn't know the problem, only the solution"

There you go, please please please do not think your manifestation will take long, or it will actually take long, remember, your subconscious cannot take a joke once you impress it

23. "When you open your eyes in the morning, give your brain a task for the day"

Means to give your brain the manifestation you want today, let's say I woke up and chose to ask my subconscious to make me happy today, or intelligent in my exam today, it's all up to you, a new day is like a new task

24. "You form habit patterns in your subconscious mind by repeating a thought and act over and over again until it establishes tracks in the subconscious mind and becomes automatic"

In short, persist with the thought, and it will become a habit, if you think that drinking water will make you have longer hair, and continue to believe it for a while, you'll actually get longer hair by just drinking, it's a habit that is established in your brain, it will act upon it, the time to act is in your hands

25. "To form a new habit, you must be convinced that it is desirable, when your desire to give up some bad habit and start a new habit Is greater than continuing the old habit, you are already 51 percent changed"

Have the desire to be strong, how to make it stronger? Imagine the thrill if you had it right now! I have a trick, to feel like you have it now, I used to imagine a genie telling me my wish, like I genuinely though I have it now🧍

26. "When fear knocks at the door of your mind, let faith and belief in all good things open the door"

Let your good thoughts fight the fear, turn the feat over, do not shake it away, acknowledge it, them throw it, laugh at your fears, it's the best medicine, learn to hold them up to the light

There you go! 26 important messages I found in the book, these are so important I actually cried with it, the book has many many more different methods but I can't cram it here, promise I'll make a post about it if I have the time, in short, I love you all and I know that you'll do it, your future self with all your desires is already nodding at you, grinning and telling you it's already done, see it, feel it, know it, acknowledge it, you'll make it, NOW LETS GO AND MAKE IT, YOU'RE SO AMAZING I'M SO PROUD OF YALL, LOVE YALL 💗

P.s// can I be the 🍓 anon? LOVE U TOO AGAIN 💗

i dunno who else needs to read this but I definitely needed to read it, ty 🍓 anon, such wise words will surely help us all in the long end. ty for sharin' this knowledge with not only me but everyone who else who takes the time to read what ya spent time and effort in writin' out. i really appreciate it, and shhhhhiiiit i might have to give that book a read, it's been floatin' in front of my face for a couple weeks but youve just given me confirmation. guess I needed this wake up call fr 🚶

[lost-in-fandoms]

just read ur maxiel wing tumblr fic… obsessed… daniel being so sweet and gentle omg

aaah thank you so much! I love this little universe that lives in my head so much :( sadly my brain refuses to commit lately so I have just been writing ficlets of whatever idea sticks around for more than 5 minutes instead of full fics akjnskjnsa but I am glad you enjoyed it!

I have some more for you under the cut <3 (part 1)

cw for mental and physical health issues related to 2022 Daniel, hurt/comfort

Max doesn't really remember when's the last time he had a full conversation with Daniel.

No, that's a lie, he remembers, he just doesn't like to think about it. It was at the start of the season, during media day: they had talked about their break and Daniel had said how he had high hopes for this year.

It's not that they haven't talked since, it's just been...different, like they don't know each other anymore. And maybe they don't, Max supposes, watching Daniel stare in the distance, headphones firmly in place, a ghost of his usual smile stretching his too thin cheeks.

So many things have changed, and he hates it, but the reality is that he doesn't really know how to act around this Daniel anymore.

The race is good, standing on the top step never gets old, but afterwards he can't stop thinking about Daniel, finishing once again out of the points, once again behind Lando. Can't stop thinking about the dullness of his usually shiny wings, hanging limply behind him.

He texts Lando. He knows Daniel might just turn him away, but Max is not going to stand around any longer. He's not forgotten everything Daniel did for him, when he was just an awkward teenager learning how to be himself.

He needs to knock twice on Daniel's door before he finally hears some noises from inside, but he waits patiently, doesn't really have anywhere else to do, having already turned down the offer to go out for drinks with the team.

"Michael, I already told you I..." Daniel opens the door while already speaking, but he interrupts himself when he realizes it's Max who is standing there.

"Hello, Daniel" Max says, trying to keep his voice level. Daniel looks...rough. He looks worse than he did earlier, pale and drawn, hair a frizzy mess on his head, clothes hanging awkwardly from his thin frame. Even from just the glimpse he can get through the barely open door Max can see how ruffled his wings are.

"Max?" Daniel blinks, as if Max is going to disappear if he does it enough. Max doesn't know if that's surprise or wishful thinking.

"Can I come in?" he asks, taking a step forward so hopefully Daniel won't shut the door in his face.

"I..." Daniel is still blinking, confusion and exhaustion clear on his face. "Listen, mate, I don't know why you're here, but I am tired, can it wait?"

"Have you eaten?"

Daniel stiffens at the question, but Max doesn't take it back, looking straight at him until Daniel relents.

"I have. Why are you here, Max?" Daniel is still not moving away from the door, leaning slightly against it, shoulders drawn up tight in a way that looks almost painful. It probably is.

"I am here to eat cake with you and help you with your wings" Max says, raising his hand with the small bag carrying two slices of cake he asked at the front desk of his own hotel. "We don't have to talk."

For a moment, they just look at each other. Max used to be able to read Daniel once, but now he can just wait.

"I can't have cake," Daniel scrubs a hand down his face, the three on his finger looking duller than usual. "And I don't need help with my wings."

Max rolls his eyes, finally having had enough, gently pushing Daniel aside to step into the room. He doesn't like how bony Daniel's shoulder feel, or how easily he relents, but he'll take the success of being able to get in instead of having to stand in the hallway.

"You will eat cake, because I said so, and I will clean your wings, because you're not doing it correctly," he states. The room they have Daniel in doesn't have a couch, this would have been better in Max's own room, but it does have a low armchair that will have to do. He places the bag on the small desk, taking out the plastic forks and the cake container, before handing it to Daniel.

Daniel, who is still standing next to the door, looking lost and confused, doesn't take it. Max puts them down on the desk again.

"I can't eat it, Max," he says, and this time he sounds more pained, as if he's not really only talking about the cake anymore and Max has to choke down the distressed warble that is making its way up his throat, knowing it would only upset Daniel further.

Okay, change of plan then.

He takes a step forward, slowly raising his hands to tug Daniel into a hug. This time, Daniel goes easily, slumping against him, shivering a little. It's been so long since they hugged properly, but Max knows it's not supposed to feel like this. Daniel used to grip the back of his neck, tug him closer, but now he's just standing there, arms not even coming up to wrap around him.

He doesn't let go until it's Daniel the one to take a step back, and even then he keeps a hand on him, firmly guiding him towards the armchair, grabbing a pillow and putting it on the floor.

"Sit," he says gently. Daniel sits, seemingly too tired to argue any longer.

"I am going to preen your wings, and you are going to relax, and if you still do not want to eat cake after, then we won't. Okay?"

Daniel nods, not even looking at him. He looks small, sitting on the floor, wings heavy on his back, hands limp in his lap. Max wishes he knew how to fix it, wishes he could wrap his wings around him and shield him from everything else, wishes he could keep him safe from himself, but he can at least do something to take care of him.

He brought his own cloths to clean Daniel's wings and he's glad of that now, not wanting to waste time looking for them in Daniel's bags, not when he doesn't know how long Daniel will let him stay for.

The state of Daniel's wings is worse than what he had thought. There are feathers out of place everywhere, grit and dust stuck to them, and his muscles are all tense and full of knots. But the worst parts are the small patches of reddened skin, where feathers have been plucked out, leaving bald spots dotted with congealed blood behind. The inside of his left wing is particularly a mess, and despite Max trying his best to not make it worse, Daniel still whimpers from where he's leaning against Max's leg.

"I'm sorry," Max whispers, over and over, until he's not even sure what he's apologizing for, the pain and discomfort or everything else, until the words turn into soft coos and warbles.

It takes time. He does end up having to ask Daniel about his own cloths, because the two he brought are too dusty to be useful anymore, but by the end of it Daniel is breathing slow and deep, finally fully relaxed against him, looking more at peace than Max has seen him in a long time.

Max doesn't ask about the cake again, knows this is a battle for another day, just helps Daniel up and into bed.

"Thank you," Daniel whispers, barely making any sound. There are dried tear tracks on his cheeks, but neither of them mention it.

"Always, Daniel."

Max leaves when Daniel falls asleep, leaving the cake in the mini fridge, even if he knows it will probably stay there.

The next day, when Daniel goes to check out, the woman at the desk hands him a package that had arrived for him in the morning. He's confused, he doesn't remember ordering anything, until he opens it and find a tube of a soothing cream for his irritated skin.

[anemoiashifts]

october pick a pile shifting reading from someone in my desired reality !

happy october & happy almost halloween ! ✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

i usually do there jellycats / piles to pull from but this month has only two. for the life me me i couldn’t do a third reading. i did these two back to back & tried to do a third one but it just…wasn’t happening. i tried to come back to it at a later date & still nothing. i chose to take that as a sign & only have two for this month.

as the title says, these are readings from people in my desired reality. i didn’t ask for advice from anyone specifically but i do have my own hunches on who these are from.

in regards to next months readings im kinda out of ideas at the moment. if anyone want a reading from a specific list of characters from the same piece of media maybe ? or a question or a reading from someone in your desired reality as a general reading ? maybe they’ll be next months reading, who knows. ill put a poll out with the most popular ideas suggested so be on the lookout for that so please don’t shy away from letting my know your ideas. <3

one more thing i promise but please don’t force messages to resonate. there will be more readings coming so it’s okay if you don’t resonate as that just means this message wasn’t for you.

✧˖°. black bashful pumpkin bunny.

signs / songs : pink tank top, round “harry potter style” glasses , werewolf by fiona apple , just by radiohead.

you are currently in a state of conflict or are about to be in one. as a result, something is being suppressed. it is unclear where you stand on your viewpoint when it not only comes to shifting but a laundry list of opinions & thoughts. you often try to put yourself in others shoes which can only leave you more conflicted on what is “right” for you. at this time your mindset is being challenged. you can break mental cycles & patterns at anytime. you just have to be willing to do so.

though, you seemingly have an outright refusal to let go. from my understanding, this “letting go” isn’t physical & is a mental battle between your past & present. this upcoming & current “conflict” can relate to some sort of belief that was instilled into you by someone else or unnecessary pressure you brought upon yourself subconsciously. this thinking & patterns you have tend to bleed into shifting that leaves you at a cross roads. you have a this tendency to overthink & get in your head so much that you scare yourself out of your desires.

you can either a.) overcome it, accept the hand you’ve been dealt & move onto greatness or b.) stay remaining where you are & allow it to keep holding you back.

this person wants you to know harping on the past will not change it. overthinking will not benefit you. thinking on your past suffering will not make it hurt any less & will only result in you becoming addicted to the feeling of your suffering. there will always be suffering. there will always be hardships. learn to live alongside your struggles without them letting them destroy you.

you already have all the tools to overcome whatever may be preventing you from moving forward. you are in control of your own future & what your next move is. don’t overstay your welcome in a place that is causing you so much pain.

✧˖°. bartholomew pumpkin bear

signs / songs : 2:22 , 4:44 , millipedes , blue feathers, hanna barbera cartoon characters, let’s kill tonight by panic ! at the disco.

you may be stubborn in beliefs & frustrated that things haven’t worked out that way you wanted them to. you may also have some sort of superiority complex when it comes to your beliefs & struggle to admit when you’re wrong at times. in addition, a tendency to become bitter and jealous easily over others, even if you have the means to obtain them yourself.

perhaps it’s how long you’ve been trying to shift that is fueling these influx of negative thinking. despite wanting to shift, there is a lack of emotion from a specific desired reality (or reality shifting entirely). at times, find yourself still pushing through shifting methods & routines despite thr the mental exhaustion of it all. you want to shift of course. you tell yourself you want to but believing in yourself & having your mind be clouded by negativity, methods feel more & more like a chore. there is a lack of clarity of where you want to shift. without direction, you don’t know where to go. to this person, planning for stability comes first & rewards come second. you need a more of a solid foundation to thrive.

take this as a reminder to watch what you say to yourself & your projection onto others due to your feelings of lack. take risks but ensure they’re calculated ones. gaining a sense of independence may help you.

this reading specially was a little all over the place & that may be a reflection on where you’re at right now. there was an emphasis on you wanting to be in control & underlying themes of wanting material goods — so that could be relevant to some of you.

thank you for reading ! hope this resonated & proves some clarity for you ˘͈ᵕ˘͈⸝*

[redsea8me]

Presenting my number 1 loser, my all time babygirl

Okay so, before the war Hellzapoppin (they/them) was worked in shipping and stuff bc they had a hovercraft altmode, not as fast as maybe a seeker but speedy 👍 and they’ve got a high range of mobility and a very good map system in their head, they’ve still got their cybertronian altmode bc nothing on earth can specifically match up with their frame type

As mentioned on the ref sheet they’ve got a like, a hypnosis outlier ability that they didn’t even know existed until they used it accidentally and turned a mean Forman into a good person bc they didn’t like how they didn’t like how much of an asshole they were

That, as anyone would expect, had super negative consequences and the Council basically picked them up from out of nowhere and turned them into Criminal Control because it’s so much easier to reduce your criminal population when you can have a guy just hypnotize them into being a law abiding citizen

They joined the Decepticons originally bc hey, equal rights for all sounds pretty great 👍 as it turns out though Megatron had the great idea to just, also use them to hypnotize people 👍 though that worked out a lot less bc a large enough physical shock can total snap someone out of the mindcontrol so while the constant fighting could snap someone out of it but there’s also a 50/50 they were just killed in action so.. not great

Also! During the war the had their name changed to Mindflayer bc Hellzapoppin was dictated as Too Silly™️ (easily recognizable), when they abandoned the ‘Cons they changed it back

Currently on earth they being held captive by the Autobots bc they’re a dangerous Decepticon or whatever, unfortunately they suffer from being easy to get along with so the Autobots totally think they’re lying when it comes to just about everything (only drawback to this situation is the blindfold they have to wear 24/7 (their mental state is in SHAMBLES currently but dw they haven’t had a meltdown yet))

[deathstrokewilson]

OOC: Hi all, Roleplayer behind JJ and Slade here. (mentally insert Zuko meme if you so choose)

I'm feeling a bit calmer now. I was quite hurt by that anon from last night.

To explain my reaction, for anyone who is confused, I am a person. I'm sitting here on my computer or phone to have fun and write stories with others, the same as everyone else here. This is my first time trying to RP on Tumblr, and for some of you it may be your first time trying to RP at all. To which I say, I'm so glad you are! Genuinely, roleplay is a great way to make friends and to explore all sorts of stories and themes safely and supportively.

Additionally, this is my first time writing Slade. I never expected so many people to enjoy my writing, and listen, I love that he's so generally terrible, and that I seem to write him well enough that you want to rally against him, that you love to hate him, that you send love to the Dick who's agreed to be Slade's Renegade. It's sweet. It's intense. But it's supposed to be fun.

Whoever did send that anon may have just been caught up in the intensity of having Slade seem like such a big threat, and wanted to try and ding his ego, or something to that effect. I don't know their intent. But as a person writing for both my enjoyment and yours, it was like a punch to the face. It was incredibly hurtful, since firstly, I don't think I've written him that way, and secondly, that just… isn't something you send. It's a serious thing to say or imply, it can be easily twisted out of context, and shouldn't be slung around. I would also like to state that I have checked in several times with people who are either directly part of the story or were emotionally affected by it to make sure they were all right to continue. I know it's an intense character, an intense storyline. I genuinely don't want people feeling uncomfortable or scared. I want people to enjoy what I make, like any creative, in a safe and healthy way. And I also want to be happy and comfortable.

So there's that.

As such, I want to offer something to you all- a poll. I am asking you all to consider the options carefully and genuinely, and vote honestly. Please, please be honest. Because I won't be dealing with that sort of thing again. A large part of roleplay is considering both the characters and the people behind them, and how your writing can affect them. I never expected Slade to be more than a brief thing, and thanks to everyone's interactions that grew and changed. I did appreciate it, and at least up until that anon, it was fun. I would like it to be fun again. This is also to either subdue or confirm my anxiety, so I'm sorry if this seems dramatic, but it will help me. So, let's vote.

1. I continue to roleplay as Slade, the storyline that has been started continues. I request if you are not comfortable with him and this choice wins, you unfollow for your own comfort.

2. I set Slade on the high shelf for an undetermined amount of time. The storyline is cut off, blogs that were more personally involved return to more normal posting if they so choose. Until more people can learn to separate the fiction from the person behind, no more big bad villain to hate. I will only RP JJ, or other non-villainous characters.

3. I stop roleplaying here on Tumblr entirely. If for whatever reason you think I shouldn't be roleplaying here at all, and this vote wins, I'll stop. No more Slade, no more JJ, no more of my ideas. I'll also request that if you don't want me around you at all, you DM @littlefaefeather with the blogs you want me to block or unfollow.

I do intend to take this day as an RP-lite day for my own sake, but if there's anything you really want to RP or include Slade or JJ or my Robin blog in, you can still @ them for it, I'll be checking in every so often. Thanks for reading all this. 🧡💛💚💙💜

[desceros]

pls, wise one, when you have time, share with your children how you structure and word your writing so, so beautifully! cause you have me in a choke hold and my soul hooked to a chain with all your writings! especially your Tea fic :) I strive to become as good as you <3

oh man. this is a tough one. i kinda, uh. just do it at this point without really thinking?? so hold my hand and maybe we can figure it out together LMAO i'll use an example blurb and try and break it down as coherently as i can.

so first you want to have a pretty clear picture of what you want to convey to your reader. the more defined it is in your head, the more easily you can communicate things to your readers. eventually you'll get a feel for how much detail to go into as you describe it. you really don't need to describe the placement of every limb at every moment... but also, the placement of a hand can tell you so much about what's going on in a character's mind, so it's good to know where it is. there's a fine line between purple prose and effective set dressing.

i was just whining about not writing enough soft donnie so let's do that. he's on the couch staring at you. let's write that really quickly:

notice i don't talk about his entire body placement, but the looseness of his limbs is important. it gives a picture of his mental state without overwhelming you with too much detail.

next: i like to start with big, grand statements, then slowly pluck them apart into the minutia. things like. he looks comfortable. ok; what does that look like? what shape does he take in your head? for me, it's that he's reclining. propping himself up casually. i emphasize the 'soft. relaxed.' by having them be their own short sentences.

on that note, mixing your sentence length is very important and guides the flow of things. longer sentences are like water, bringing your reader down the river you've crafted for them. short sentences have a lot of power, because they're a lot more percussive. you want to use them sparingly so you don't overuse that and retain that feel. mix where you put your independent and dependent phrases, but also know when to mirror yourself. parallel structure can invite your reader to compare ideas or generate momentum. for example, continuing this blurb a bit:

every sentence begins the same, going from long to medium to short in a way that makes the flow of the paragraph feel a bit like a snowball rolling down a hill, like your thoughts are rushing, so that by the end you can land on a thought that's monumental and feels a little breathless. this is possible because of the parallel structure of the sentences ("like ____. like ____. like _____.") pushing the reader forward. you can of course do it in the opposite direction as well, for when you want to slow a reader down and force them to linger in a moment.

word choice is very important. i'm pretty particular about the words i use for certain things, and i really love using similes and metaphors to create abstract imagery that catches the light more than a flat statement. but it's also important to know when to use those flat statements for a high-impact statement. let's try:

this kind of falls into my philosophy on the whole 'show don't tell' thing. i'm obsessed with showing. but sometimes, it's more impactful if you tell. like... here you have a very evocative description of him. it includes little things like a reference to a red string of fate (showing it's a romantic moment for you, not platonic), wanting to keep the image in your head permanently, pretty words that mirror what your POV character feels. at the end, you can land on just. he's beautiful. because really that's all that needs to be said, right? but it feels more weighty a thing to say after what came before.

one of the best things i ever did for my prose writing was study poetry. that gave me an appreciation for the weight of a word, and how to use it effectively. the right word or phrase can really change a sentence both melodically and emotionally.

consider the difference between these:

does he want something? or does he covet it? is he unable to look away from your smile? or is he ensorcelled?

a writer's vernacular is an incredibly powerful tool, so i recommend highly that you expand your vocabulary. make sure to focus on not just the explicit definitions, but also the implicit. some words are largely interchangeable (a touch that slides vs one that glides), but some very much are not even though at first glance they seem they should (a haunting kiss vs a lingering kiss).

anyway i hope that helped a little! this kind of minutia-crafting is like, a passion of mine so i probably went way overboard OOPS but hey if it helps even a little i WIN