#my husband is so funny mwah

[holistichiatus]

bruh, Twitter ppl are weird. I'm just there to post abt kissing chipper and you think I'm the person to complain to abt archon defense?

go whine on r/warframe and get off my gay pining post

[laulo821]

him... it's been so long...

[gojorgeous]

"business or pleasure?"

pairing: gojo x fem!reader summary: the gojo clan decides it’s time to secure an heir… and you’re the lucky woman selected for the job… content: HEAVY breeding, arranged marriage, language, praise, dacryphilia, p->v, fingering, mating press, a lil’ blood (if you squint), pet names, implied multiple rounds, gojo just generally being a menace, no established relationship, reader and gojo literally just met, reader is literally there for the purpose of getting pregnant, positive pregnancy test at the end, ideas of women as baby incubators :x, consent king gojo. wc: 3.7k a/n: I HAVE RETURNED!!! Hey!!!!!! Long time no see, babes. I was looking at my account and I haven’t posted a fic in *cough* TWO YEARS. There is simply no way that’s real 😭 Anyway, I’ve returned with something slightly different: A Gojo fic. You’re welcome. Mwah. Also, please send messages I miss y'all. happy new year bbs. and remember, AGELESS BLOGS WILL BE BLOCKED!

It’s only your third time in Japan. The first had been to visit family friends when you were eight, the second for a girls’ trip after you graduated college. You liked it. Tokyo was bright and busy and full of shops and things to do. The countryside always offered beauty and peace. But this third time was different. No shopping, no temples, no amusement parks. You were here for business, not pleasure. 

You run a finger along the edge of a mahogany bookshelf. Your feet are killing you, a flick of your ankles tossing your heels across the room. Your nose wrinkles when you land on a particular title. The Art of War? Interesting choice… You scan the other books, and your brows rise when you find a strange combination of academics, young adult, manga, and high fantasy? A multi-genre reader, then…

You absentmindedly rub at the arch of your foot, pushing out the ache as best you can. A day so full of stress has left you weary. Your mother hadn’t stopped hovering until the moment you’d escaped into your car, a new husband on your arm. 

You sigh. You could still hear the shower running along with said husband humming loudly to a tune you didn’t recognize. At least your groom wasn’t shy. 

A glance toward the bed has your brows raising. Were those… squishmallows? One looked like a shark, the other like a… sushi? You press your lips together, avoiding a laugh he would surely hear. You make your way to the mattress, sighing when you finally get to sit. You pull the sushi into your arms, hugging the pillow to your chest, but it no longer seemed so funny anymore. You had bigger things to think about. Your legs press together in a mix of anticipation and anxiety. All the way from America you’d come to marry the Gojo heir. It had been a rushed arrangement. Apparently, the Gojo clan had finally put their foot down and decided their heir should finally get to the business of making another heir. There’d been a search far and wide for the best match and somehow, they’d settled on you. An accomplished sorcerer yourself and abilities in your blood that only strengthened those of the Gojo line, you’d been an suitable pick. It didn’t hurt that you were young, healthy, and (upon a trip to a renowned fertility clinic) proven to be very fertile. 

Your parents had been oh-so eager to accept the Gojo clan’s proposition. The Gojo heir’s power hadn’t been matched in nearly 400 years. Any and every family would jump at the opportunity to be tied to them, especially through marriage and heirs. You were surprised you’d been chosen considering all of the options there must have been. 

Satoru seemed… fine, you thought. You hadn’t had much time to talk with him privately. The first time you’d met had been on a phone call with both of your sets of parents present and the next had been at the altar. At one point in the night he’d asked a waiter to refill your wine glass and he’d been a rather good dancer. Other than that, you’d been pulled apart at all odds and ends until you’d come back here: his apartment. 

You’d expected something a little more lavish for your wedding night, especially considering the spectacle that your wedding had been. Ice sculptures, thousand dollar bouquets, and diamond encrusted wedding rings had turned to an elegantly decorated bachelor pad. A glance around revealed a space that was obviously lived in, with odd mixes of $10,000 dollar chairs and… squishmallows.

You sink onto the edge of the bed, eyes peeling over the half-moons of your nails and the heavy gems that now sit on the fourth finger of your left hand. They are a weight you feel the pressure of. A pressure to live up to expectations, to produce a much-desired product. 

A door opens down the hall and you realize the pounding of water and the lilting of a hum has ceased. Your husband is done with his shower. 

A few seconds later he reveals himself, prancing down the hallway and into his bedroom like it’s just another Tuesday and not his wedding night. A plush blue towel is slung low around his waist and from the rivulets of water running all over his body you judge that he hadn’t even taken the time to properly dry off. Not that you mind.

You’d known your new husband was beautiful but you’d never imagined he’d be so… so goddamn seductive. 

Washboard abs, toned arms, sculpted back, wet hair and icy eyes… he was the image of a god. 

“Sorry for making you wait. I really needed that.” 

Gojo prods at his temples, eyes squished shut in what looked like a moment of pain. You’d heard of this problem from the clan. He hadn’t worn his blindfold all day for the sake of the wedding. It was no wonder the effects were catching up with him. 

“No problem.” 

A small smile reveals just a few blinding teeth and you could swear your vision went out for just a moment. 

“You hungry?” 

You arch a brow. The man had eaten two full plates and practically half the cake not yet an hour ago. 

“Can’t say that I am.” 

“Hm.” 

He nods and you watch as he plucks a stray candy off his bedside table, tossing the wrapper to the floor. 

“So, uh-” You watch the butterscotch bulge in his cheek. “You really wanna do this?” 

You glance at your half-naked husband who is practically a walking temptation. You take a breath. He’s standing so casually, as if this is a normal conversation to be having and not something life-altering.

“You don’t?” you ask.

All that gets you is a shit-eating grin. 

“Never said that.” 

You can’t help the smirk that crawls across your lips. 

“Well, we might as well get it over with, no?” 

Another flash of pearly whites. 

“Get it over with, hm?” 

You miss his meaning, pulling at a loose thread on the bedspread. 

“It shouldn’t take much effort. I’m on so many fertility meds you could probably spit on me and I’d get pregnant.” 

You pick at the thread a little more, biting your lip when you realize it’s one of those strands that’s infinite. 

“That so?” 

You jolt when a speck of wetness lands on your cheek. A quick glance reveals a fuzzy blue towel far too close for comfort. A half-naked Gojo is a whole lot closer than he’d been just seconds ago. How is he so quiet? 

Blue eyes bore into yours, water dripping down white strands and onto your skin. He’s so damn tall. He has your neck craned all the way back just to meet his gaze. 

“Yes.” You swallow. “It was part of our prenup.”

Dazed. You’re absolutely dazed. 

“Well, we probably shouldn’t risk breaking a legally binding contract, hm?” 

Closer. He’s coming closer. Too close. 

You lean back, scooting yourself up the bed in a feeble attempt to get a little more space, your emotional support sushi tumbling to the floor. He follows right after you. 

Something primal thrusts through your veins at the sight of a man, sopping wet and smirking, crawling after you, some mix of teasing and pure drive hidden in his eyes. Gojo doesn’t stop, not until you’re nearly pressed against the headboard and his arms cage your waist. Close. Too close. 

You’d thought he would have dried a bit by now, but water still slicks off his skin and hair, showering you lightly. You shiver and your husband notices. His tongue darts out to lick his lips and you get a breath of the sweetness of butterscotch and mint toothpaste. 

“You say stop,” he breathes, “and we stop.”

He leans closer, so close you can smell the eucalyptus and myrrh of his shampoo, the musk of his body wash, the candied sweetness of his breath. Those piercing blue eyes flit to your lips and back up again. 

A breath, a pause. 

“Stop?” he asks. His eyes are piercing.

You shake your head. 

“Go.” 

Lips, teeth, tongue. All of it hits you at once. For a moment you’re too shocked to respond, but then his weight is leaning on you and his hand is on your waist and his mouth tastes like candy and- and then you’re kissing him back. 

A heavy hand digs into the flesh of your waist and your hands find a patch of damp white hair to tangle in. 

He tastes good- too good and when a deft hand guides you down to the mattress you start to think that this whole baby-making business might not be so bad after all. 

Teeth knock, tongues touch, and you are on the edge of what would have been a particularly throaty moan when he pulls away. 

His attention shifts elsewhere, kisses trailing down your neck and hands straying to your hips.

“Have you-” a kiss to your collarbone. “Done this before?”

You freeze.

“What?” 

Gojo raises his head a bit and the most irritating kind of smirk plays on his lips. 

“Don’t know- thought maybe this was a virgin for your super rich husband kinda thing?” 

You shove his head back down.

“Shut up.”

He chuckles and the sound vibrates against your skin. 

“Okay, sp no need to go slow then…” 

His lips continue their assault, brushing and grazing over your skin until it lifts with goosebumps. Your breaths come a little faster, a little heavier and you gasp when his hand curls beneath the hem of your skirt.

“Oh? What’s this?” His fingers brush against the garter that rests at the top of your thighs. Your cheeks heat. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why had you agreed to wear the damn thing? You reach down, hoping to quickly rid yourself of the scrap of fabric before you can become oven more mortified. You’re just about to clamp down on it when Gojo catches your wrist. “Ah, ah. No need to be so hasty.” Your hand is easily pinned down to the mattress and, for some reason, you don’t fight it. 

Your breath catches when your skirt lifts only for Gojo to dive beneath it without a second thought. You feel his teeth grazing across the skin of your thigh. 

“Gojo-” you breathe, squirming. 

His head reappears suddenly, another one of those mischievous grins gracing his lips. “Satoru when I’m about to be inside you, baby.” 

He disappears again and you gasp and wiggle when you feel his tongue laving across the inside of your thigh. 

His teeth graze you again, but this time they clamp down on the garter and you feel it slowly sliding across your skin, down, down, past your knee and eventually to your ankle where Satoru finally yanks it past your foot with a final tug. 

You stare at him, wide eyed and lustful. That had to have been one of the hottest things you’ve ever seen. 

Satoru plucks the garter from his teeth and dangles it in front of his eyes. It’s a white, lacy little thing that matches the shade of his hair. He’s grinning again when he slides it onto his wrist like a bracelet– no, like a trophy.

“Thanks for the present.” He’s still grinning, still staring, his fingers still fiddling with the hem of your skirt. “How attached are you to this dress?” he asks. 

You blink, swallowing nervously, unable to break away from his gaze. It’s too strong, too mesmerizing. “Not… attached at all,” you manage. It’s true. Somebody else picked it out, and you’ve only been wearing it for about an hour– and it’s not like you can’t just buy a new one now with access to the Gojo bank accounts. 

His grin somehow grows even wider. “Good girl. Just what I wanted to hear.” 

There’s a splitting sound and suddenly your dress is tearing straight down the middle. It’s slow and controlled and you wonder if he’s practiced at this or if his strength is just that regulated. You find yourself hoping it’s the latter. 

The dress is ripped from your skin and you see it land somewhere across the room. You hear something shatter along with a thud, but Satoru seems anything but worried, so you ignore it. 

You’re bare in just your undergarments, a lacy white set that you’re now half proud of and half embarrassed by. 

Satoru whistles and his hands settle on your waist. “Damn, baby. Why’d you keep all this hidden for so long?” 

You scoff, your confidence surging. You reach for him, grabbing a scruff of hair at the back of his neck and pulling him close. “You’re the one taking your sweet time, Toru.” 

The sound of the nickname on your lips makes him shiver and you smirk triumphantly.

“Hmm…” is all he says as his fingers trail lower, lower, lower, until they’re dipping beneath the band of your panties. It’s somewhere between tortuous and ticklish and you squirm. “Ah, ah. Hold still for me, now.” He presses one hand to the valley between your breasts, holding you down as his other hand continues lower. When his thumb finds the wet spot on your panties and presses down your back arches and your breath escapes. 

He chuckles. “Little needy, aren’t you?” His thumb moves a little higher, grazing your clit, and you whimper. 

With one deft movement he unclasps your bra, tossing it aside. You register for just a moment that your chest is now completely bare, but soon enough his mouth is closing around your nipple and all else is forgotten. 

“S-Satoru!” you whisper. Your voice feels hoarse, even if it has no reason to be. 

His thumb continues its assault between your thighs. “So wet already, baby…” He sounds ecstatic. The grin on his lips makes you whine. “Let’s get these out of the way…” Before you know it, you hear more tearing and then cold air hits your cunt. You cry out when Satoru’s thumb returns to its ministrations, but this time there’s no cloth barrier to dull the sensation. Your hands push out and your nails curl into his bare shoulders. You need him closer.

“Satoru…” you breathe. “Kiss me…” 

That shit-eating grin returns, but he follows your command. “As my wife wishes.” 

When lips meet yours it’s hot and messy. Your nails claw down his back and you’re sure you’re leaving marks. If he minds, he certainly doesn’t show it.

His thumb continues at your clit as a finger prods at your entrance. When he slides in slowly, you gasp. He murmurs something about you being so sensitive, and proceeds to quickly find that gummy spot inside you that makes you see stars. Before you know it he’s adding a second finger and soon your hips are rocking against his thrusts, meeting his pace as you chase your high. 

“God, you’re so wet.” he whispers against your lips. True to his word, he’s been kissing you, never letting up in his attack on your mouth. “Bet you taste like fucking heaven.”

You whine, your hips stuttering against his hand. “G-Gonna… I’m–” 

He grins again, and pulls away just enough to meet your gaze. “Go ahead, baby. Cum for me.” Your eyes flutter shut, your head rolling back– “Nuh, uh. Keep those eyes open. Wanna see every second.” 

Your breaths flutter and you whimper loudly, the sound bouncing on the walls. You’re not sure why you listen, why you fight to keep your eyes open, locked on him, but you do. Maybe you’re afraid he’ll pull away and leave you wanting… or maybe you just want to please him.

You feel your muscles clenching in your stomach, hear the sloppy sounds of Satoru’s fingers thrusting in and out of you, see the gleeful anticipation in his eyes. His thumb rubs a particularly delicious circle around your clit and you feel yourself thrown over the edge. 

You can’t help but be loud. You hold his gaze the whole time, whimpering and whining his name as you gush all over his sheets. Your cunt spasms around his fingers, clenching, holding him inside, desperate to be filled. You hear him panting above you, like watching has somehow taken his breath away. 

“Good girl,” he whispers and you feel a second wave of pleasure ripple through you. 

You feel weak by the time your orgasm leaves you. Your muscles are limp and your cunt is so sensitive that you flinch when Satoru removes his fingers. He brushes a tear from the corner of your eye and you watch as he brings his sopping fingers to his mouth, sucking your juices clean. He moans, a deep throaty sound, like it’s the most delicious thing he’s ever tasted. You watch his eyes roll back in his skull, watch his throat bob as he swallows. Your lips part at the sight. 

His fingers fall from his mouth with a pop and his grin returns.

“Just like I thought,” he says. “Heaven.” 

He’s back on you in a second, licking a stripe from your collarbone to just beneath your ear. His hips slot between your own and a strong hands hook around the backs of your thighs, pressing your knees to your chest. You whimper. You don’t think you’ve ever felt so completely and utterly exposed. 

“On to the main event, yeah?” The twinkle in his eye has your heart racing even faster. His fingers catch the towel that is somehow still wrapped snugly around his waist. With one tug, it’s gone and your mouth is watering in anticipation. 

Your jaw drops lower, if it’s even possible. He’s… huge. Long and pretty with veins that you know are going to rub just right. His tip is pink and leaking, ready. 

“Satoru, it won’t–” 

His lips connect to your pulse, licking and sucking when you feel him prodding at your entrance. “It’ll fit, baby.” 

He slides himself through your folds, gathering your juices and torturing you every time his tip bumps your clit. By the time he’s finally lining himself up, you’re practically begging. 

The first push is heaven. You’re both moaning when he prods past that first tight ring of muscle and you’re gasping, crying out his name and clawing at his back. He keeps pushing, filling you inch by inch until he’s pressed snugly against your cervix. You thank him aloud when he pauses, giving you a moment to adjust to his size, to the feeling of being filled to the absolute brim. He only kisses the tears from your cheeks. 

The first thrust has you seeing stars, little white spots clouding your vision. The second has your nails embedding in his skin hard enough to draw blood. He doesn’t seem to mind. If anything, it has him moving faster, grunting in your ear and whimpering your name.

“Sooo… f-ahh-ucking t-tight…” he whispers. 

A hand slides between your sweaty bodies, a thumb rubbing familiar circles against your swollen clit. You cry out, clenching down like a vice. 

“F-Fuck, princess.” 

His thrusts rock your body and the sound of skin slapping skin echoes in the air. You feel that familiar coil begin to form, to heat at your core. Your muscles tighten and your legs begin to shake. 

“Atta girl. Cum on my cock, baby.” 

You whimper at the praise, at the incessant rubbing of your clit, at the relentless pounding of your cervix. It’s all too much, too good. 

“Satoru…” you cry. Your legs burn and ache. Satoru has your knees pressed so tightly to your chest you’re afraid something might snap. It only adds to the tension beginning to unravel at your center. You feel as if you’re burning, as if you’re going to snap– and then you do. Heat unravels beneath your skin and your mouth falls open in a silent cry. Your legs tremble and your toes curl and you vaguely hear your husband whispering a mix of curses and praises in your ear. You’re still lost in the sensation when he starts groaning and you feel him flooding your insides with shallow thrusts close to your cervix, filling you with rope after rope of his hot cum. You’re still panting when you finally regain your mind. Satoru’s still on top of you, completely limp with his head buried in your neck. You curl a hand into his hair, silently holding him close. That was some of the most mind-blowing sex you’ve ever had. You smirk. Yeah, maybe this baby-making business wasn’t going to be so bad. 

You shiver when you feel Satoru licking and sucking at your skin. There’s a tenderness in the action that makes you pull him closer. He hasn’t even pulled out yet, but you can already feel him hardening inside you, ready for another round. 

“Think it stuck?” he asks. You smirk and answer with a breathy laugh. 

“Don’t know.” Silently, you think that there’s no way it didn’t. You can feel his cum dripping down your thighs and there’s just so much of it.

He lifts his head, eyes bright and sparkling even in the dim light. He grins. “Guess we’d better make sure.” 

~

With the rate at which Satoru fucks you it’s no surprise when you get two positive little pink lines a few week later. You tell Satoru by unceremoniously dropping the test in front of him while he’s drinking his morning coffee. He only grins and kisses you before he bends you over the counter, whispering something about needing to show you how appreciative he is when he slides inside you. The next morning you wake to Satoru’s lips on yours, a brand new credit card, and a new car in the driveway, fitted with all of the newest safety features (only the best for his wife and baby, he says). You sigh and smile when you see it. Yeah, this whole baby-making business definitely wasn’t so bad.

taglist (DM me to be added!): @lacheri

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[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

@catchuuu @staryukis @dollsuguru

blue is my fav color to draw in 🌊

[hsnlv]

stolen affection | y.jw

pairing: husband!jungwon x wife!reader

synopsis: caught in a swirl of tender jealousy, you can’t help but feel left out when your husband showers all his attention on your daughter. but when night falls and it’s just the two of you, jungwon reminds you in the sweetest way that no matter what, you’ll always be his number one.

warnings/others: you both have a daughter in this one🤭, clingy and jealous reader🫵🏻, MANLY MATURE JUNGWON MWAH *chefs kiss*

wc: 1.3k

a/n: idk why ive been thinking about husband!enha lately maybe im just desperate for a husband now *sobbing*💔 butttttt, happy reading loveliesss🎀 here’s my masterlist!

okay, so you’re not actually jealous of your three-year-old daughter. not really. but can anyone really blame you? she’s been glued to jungwon since the moment she woke up, hogging all of his hugs, kisses, and attention like it’s her life’s mission. you’re happy that they have such a sweet bond, of course you are, but… is it so wrong to want some of your husband’s affection too? just a little?

you watch from the doorway as she curls herself into jungwon’s lap on the couch, her tiny arms wrapped tightly around his neck. jungwon, ever the doting dad, smiles down at her and presses a kiss to the top of her head, his dimples making an appearance. and what do you get? a quick glance and an absentminded, “hey, babe.”

“hey,” you reply flatly, crossing your arms as you step into the living room.

jungwon doesn’t even notice your tone, too busy entertaining the little one in his lap. she’s giggling as he pokes her cheeks, and it’s undeniably adorable, but that’s beside the point.

you clear your throat loudly, hoping to catch his attention, but your daughter beats you to it. “daddy, do the funny voice again!”

“of course, princess,” jungwon says, his voice suddenly shifting into a goofy, high-pitched tone that has your daughter dissolving into laughter.

you narrow your eyes. “you know, i like funny voices too.”

jungwon glances at you, amused. “oh? want me to do one for you?”

“not funny voices. just attention,” you mutter under your breath, but he doesn’t catch it.

with a sigh, you try to reclaim some of the spotlight. “hey, sweetheart,” you call to your daughter in your sweetest voice, “don’t you think it’s time for a little nap? mommy can tuck you in.”

she looks at you like you’ve just suggested she eat vegetables for the rest of her life. “no nap! i want daddy!”

jungwon grins, pulling her closer as if to seal the deal. “looks like i’m in high demand today.”

“yeah, lucky you,” you mutter, your pout growing deeper.

jungwon chuckles, clearly thinking you’re joking. but you’re not. not even a little.

as the day goes on, your daughter doesn’t relent. every time you try to coax her away from jungwon, she clings to him harder. by dinnertime, she’s practically fused to his side, and your patience is wearing thin.

jungwon, oblivious as ever, ruffles her hair and says, “you’re such a daddy’s girl, aren’t you?”

“yep!” she chirps, shooting you a victorious little grin.

you glare at her. okay, maybe you are a little jealous of your own daughter.

as bedtime finally rolls around, you’re left feeling more than a little neglected. and it doesn’t help that jungwon, being the affectionate husband he is, crawls into bed with his usual grin, ready to pull you into his arms like always.

but this time, you turn your back to him.

jungwon blinks, surprised by the cold shoulder. “huh? what’s this?” he asks, inching closer.

“nothing,” you reply, your tone clipped.

he hums, clearly unconvinced. “nothing? then why aren’t you letting me hug you?”

“just too tired,” you mumble, hoping he’ll drop it.

but jungwon, ever the teaser, smirks. “ah, i see,” he says dramatically, flopping onto his back. “too tired for me, huh? alright then, i’ll just go to sleep like this.” he tugs the covers up to his chin and lets out an exaggerated sigh. “goodnight, honey.”

you sit up abruptly, the words spilling out before you can stop them. “oh my god, jungwon, that’s not it!”

he peeks at you from under the blanket, eyebrows raised, and you suddenly feel flustered. “what’s not it?” he asks innocently, though there’s a mischievous glint in his eye.

you huff, crossing your arms over your chest. “it’s just… you’ve been ignoring me all day!”

jungwon sits up too, clearly trying to hold back a laugh. “ignoring you?”

“yes!” you say, your voice rising slightly. “you’ve been cuddling her since this morning, and you didn’t even look at me! you don’t care about me anymore!”

jungwon finally lets out the laugh he’s been holding in, his dimples deepening as he reaches for you. “oh, baby,” he says softly, his tone full of affection.

“are you seriously jealous? of our own daughter?”

“i am not jealous,” you snap. “i just think it’s unfair that she got all your attention today. i barely got a single hug!”

jungwon’s grin softens into a fond smile. “baby,” he says, his voice gentle, “you know she’s just a kid, right? she doesn’t mean to hog all my time.”

“i know,” you grumble, “but still. i’m your wife. i should be your number one priority.” his giggle grows louder as he looks at you.

your pout grow deeper at his laugh, glaring at him. “don’t laugh at me! i’m being serious.”

jungwon’s laughter fades, though his smile remains. “okay, okay. i’m sorry. come here,” he says, his voice gentle as he tugs you closer.

you let him pull you into his lap, though you’re still pouting. “you don’t care about me,” you mutter again, but your voice wavers slightly.

“that’s not true,” jungwon says immediately, cupping your face in his hands. “you know that’s not true.”

“but you didn’t even hug me today,” you whisper, your eyes dropping to your lap.

jungwon’s heart softens, and he tilts your chin up so you’re looking at him. “i’m sorry, my love,” he says sincerely.

“you’re right. i was so caught up with her today, and I didn’t realize how that made you feel. but let me make one thing clear—nothing and no one could ever replace you in my heart. you’re my number one. always.”

“didnt feel like it today,” you mutter, but your resolve is starting to crumble under his warm gaze.

his gaze softened even more, cupping your cheeks. “hey, listen to me. you’re my everything, okay? my wife, my partner, the love of my life. no one could ever take your place, not even our adorable little cuddle monster.”

you purse your lips, trying to hold onto your pout, but jungwon leans in and brushes the softest kiss against your forehead.

“i mean it,” he says, his voice dropping to a whisper. “if it ever feels like i’m not giving you enough attention, just tell me. i’ll drop everything for you. always.”

“even if our daughter cries for you?” you ask, only half-joking.

he chuckles. “even then. though i might have to bribe her with extra cookies to make it up to her.”

you look at him, a mocking glare penetrating him. “really? you would do that for me?”

jungwon smiles, leaning forward to press the softest kiss to your forehead. “really,” he murmurs. “you’re my wife, my partner, my everything. and if you ever feel like I’m not showing you how much I love you, tell me. I’ll do better, okay?”

“okay,” you whisper, your voice barely audible.

jungwon kisses the tip of your nose, then your cheeks, then finally your lips, his touch so tender it makes your heart ache in the best way. “better?” he asks, pulling back just enough to meet your eyes.

you nod, a small smile tugging at your lips. “better.”

“good,” he says, wrapping his arms around you tightly. “because you’re stuck with me, and I’m going to smother you with love until you’re sick of me.”

you laugh, burying your face in his chest. “you’re so cheesy.”

“and you love it,” he says confidently, pressing another kiss to your hair.

“maybe,” you admit, your smile widening.

“no ‘maybe’ about it,” he teases, rocking you gently in his arms.

as you settle against him, the warmth of his love wrapping around you like a blanket, you realize that he’s right. no matter how much your daughter adores him, there’s no doubt in your mind that jungwon’s heart belongs to you.

© all rights reserved | hsnlv 2024

[suhtorus]

mama's day. gojo satoru

fluff. ₊˚⊹ ᰔ parents au, non sorcerer au, mom!reader, family fluff, two unnamed sons and one baby girl. a little gift for myself ! ᡣ𐭩

little sunshines au

satoru has a plan for your birthday—a very detailed one.

step one. wake up the nuggets

it takes him less than two minutes to get the oldest out of bed, and there's really no point in waking up his baby girl since there's not much an eight-month-old can do.

the problem is your toddler.

"c'moooon, don't you wanna give mama her gifts?"

satoru's tone grows exasperated the longer his son refuses to cooperate, kicking his legs and throwing his nemo plushie at his face.

"no!"

the five-year-old immediately shushes his baby brother, only making the latter whine even more, tears now running down his chubby cheeks.

satoru feels his face fall upon seeing his son so upset, he should've expected the little ones not to take it too well to be woken up at six in the morning.

"hey," he tries softly this time, caressing the soft blond hairs of his toddler, "I'm sorry, mochi. can you forgive papa? go back to sleep, I'll wake you up when breakfast is ready, okay?"

the sobs end and now there's only small sniffles coming from the sleepy kid.

"oki."

step two. make breakfast

"like this?"

satoru leans down to inspect his son's work, brows furrowing as he tries, and fails, to read whatever gibberish his son tried to spell on top of the freshly made waffles.

with a loud smooch on the kid's cheek, satoru squeezes him in a tight hug, grinning proudly the way a father would. "a masterpiece. mama's gonna love it."

dad and son work surprisingly silent, focused on their own tasks. it doesn't take them long to have plates full of food and fruits, as well as freshly made juice.

"why don't you grab these," satoru hands his son two bags with the names of expensive brands on them, "while I go get your siblings. okay?"

"on it!"

step three. gifts

"happy birthday, mama~"

"ma-ma!"

you wake up with a start, surrounded by four pairs of blue eyes staring down at you.

"happy birthday, love of my life, mother of my kids, my one and only!"

satoru pecks your mouth as your brain processes the beaming faces of your three nuggets. your boys sit next to you, one on each side, while satoru holds the baby in the air right above your face.

your confused face finally eases into one of happiness (and relief).

"thank you, my little babies!" you smile drowsily, urging yourself to blink the sleep away as you smooch the faces of all three of your children. "mwah, mwah, mwahhh–"

your husband can't help but smile upon seeing you smothering the kids with kisses. and with his hold still on his baby girl, satoru tugs her away from you and nods at your lap.

"open your gifts, baby. we got you aaaall of your favorites." he winks at his son and the little one covers his mouth behind his tiny hand, giggling. "and we also made breakfast for mama, right?"

with a pointed look from satoru, your toddler remembers the plate of food on his lap.

"eat waffu, baby." your two-year-old offers you the plate full of waffles, pushing it towards your mouth, insistent. "eat it."

step four. spoil her rotten

your two boys happily run across the gardens while your baby girl crawls on the grass, squealing right behind her brothers.

"liked the surprise?"

your husband's arms wrap around your middle from behind. his hold is the greatest comfort you could've asked for.

"you mean waking up with three of your clones staring down at me while I sleep?" you snort, but there's no real bite in your tone. "I loved it. especially their drawing of me surrounded by blue-eyed mochi."

your eldest had insisted on drawing their little family—with you right in the center—and satoru thought it'd be funny to add the mochi instead of the kids.

"oh, but I'm not done yet, sweetheart." he spins you around in his arms, now grinning at you. "an entire weekend. you and me. what do you say?"

a groan slips past your lips and he immediately frowns, indignation clear on his face.

"c'mon, pretty. it's been a while since it was just the two of us." satoru goes for the puppy eyes, knowing that by doing so he already has a fifty percent of chance of winning. "you're not only a mother, but also a wife. let your doting husband pamper you."

"and who's watching over the kids? the baby??" you try to reason, glancing at your nuggets as they giggle their little hearts out as they play together. "satoru, we can't just leave."

"sweetheart, relaaaaax. ijichi got us covered."

oh, that poor man.

you make a mental note to give nanami a call.

[onyourmarkks]

haechan

Everything was like every other day, but every other day was enjoyable especially with haechan.

you and haechan had gotten married, 2 years ago and haechan was the best husband you could have asked for, he was funny, very caring and attentive to you all the time, even when he got home from work and he was beat, he still wanted to be near you, to be affectionate.

haechan walked through the front door, softly announcing his entrance, “i’m home” he hummed from the door way, you stood in the kitchen, finishing up some dishes that you used to make your husband dinner.

“in the kitchen” you too, announced your location so he can come find you, and that he did.

haechan made his way over to the kitchen, following the sound of your sweet hums of a song he played you. “hi” haechan mumbled as he back hugged you, his wedding band slightly grazing your arm, his perfume taking over your nose, his warm hands resting on the exposed skin of your waist and his soft slightly cold cheek from the weather outside, pressed against your warm neck.

“hi, how was work?” you ask him softly, finishing up the dishes, “lame… as usual” he huffed and closed his eyes, enjoying your warmth, almost as if he was recharging from his tiring day, you giggle at his response of him calling his job ‘lame’ you can feel his soft pink plush lips smile against your neck.

“go wash up, i finished dinner” you say drying your hands off on a kitchen towel, and slipping your ring back on, haechan looked over your shoulder admiring the ring on your finger “five more minutes” he groaned, turning you around so he can hug you face to face, you were looking at his soft tan skin, his big round eyes, loving the man standing infront of you.

“what? shocked at how handsome your husband is?” he teases you and pinches your side making you squeal and laugh, “you wish” you say, teasing him back. he rolls his eyes playfully and you leave his grip “i’ll get your food ready, go” you say ushering him upstairs to wash up so he can eat, he makes objecting sounds “fine…” he says as he walks upstairs.

20 minutes later he comes back downstairs, with his hair wet, in a white shirt and grey sweats, his bare face on display making him look as handsome as ever, “i missed you” he said as he immediately attaches onto you, similar to two magnets connecting “i missed you too” you respond wrapping your arms around his neck, his heart swelled at you reciprocating his affection

you lead him to the dining table where you took his food out, you made him a dish from your country and it was his favorite, “you’re such a good cook, my love” he said sitting down getting ready to eat, you smile at his compliment.

once haechan was done eating you both decided to lay in bed and watch tv, an every night occurrence.

you laid on haechans chest, twiddling the hem of his t-shirt inbetween your index and thumb, while he had his hand on your back rubbing it softly to let you know he’s still there.

a reality tv show you guys often watch together is playing, eventually you feel haechans hand stop moving, you turn your head and see his sleeping face.

you look up at him and admire his soft features your hands subconsciously making their way up to move his damp hair out of his face, making his eyes scrunch, “mm?” he hums as he feels you touching his face “sorry” you say softly and he doesn’t respond, he just rolls over and sandwiches you against the bed, his arms completely engulfing you, snuggling into your neck, inhaling your sweet scent.

your hands find their way to his hair to play with it, your heart swells, you feel full, “i love you” you mumble against the side of his head, half awake haechan hears you, he places a soft kiss against your neck, a symbol of that he loves you too.

——-

i’m going to eat haechan

this is from my poll!! domestic haechan won i think but im still gonna do jaehyun as well 😜🙏

blessss enjoy love u mwah

[a-hazbin-reader]

All the Dad Alastor talk! How will Al react trying to cheer up his grumpy children. Alastor seeing his kids sad or frown. Or angy kids in general. Hangry.

HNNNNNNG

Alastor X Reader Headcanons

✅️Romantic

❌️Platonic

✅️Parental

TW: Crying babies, Angry babies, Desperate dad!alastor

Description: ☝️⬆️

Alastor is a firm believer in keeping a smile on one's face no matter what is happening

Your husband lives by it and is always smiling no matter what, it's part of why you love him so much

It used to annoy you when you were upset or fighting with him, but you've learned to read him through other ways

Like with his eyes, his ears, the different smiles he gives, his body language and tones

His smile happens to be contagious and whenever you're with him, you can't help but smile too

"My dear, your smile is one of the most beautiful things I have ever laid my eyes on~"

It helps that he's so damn charming...

You always try to smile for him even when you're crying, in pain, or scared... something that breaks his heart and also makes him proud of you

The twins seem to take after their father and smile every day, laughing in the face of chaos and cooing at the deadliest of demons

Even when they just wake up, the first thing they do is smile at you and Alastor which is a great way to start the day

But they still have their bad days and sometimes they lose their happy smiles, much to the dismay of your husband

He can handle it if his babies are flustered or angry, usually able to problem solve and fix it for them

"Now now~ There's no need for such a face, put that smile back on and papa will make things right~"

Lots of placating pats and little nuzzles along their cheeks until the babies finally start smiling again

Grumpy? That's even easier because papa knows a few funny tricks to get them laughing again

"Now just what is that behind your ear~? Hm~? Oh my! You're quite a lucky one to have a chocolate hiding behind your ears!"

Or if they get hurt and start to cry? He can handle that to, cleaning and bandaging up his babies up before giving the wound a kiss to make it better

"Mwah~! Now that boo-boo has no choice but to go away~ How's about we go inside now, hm?"

Adores his children's laughter and squeals, loves being the reason their faces light up with happiness

But when they're sad? It's so much harder for Alastor to handle because he hates knowing his children are feeling that emotion

Because sadness is something that lingers even after problems have been solved and things have gone back to normal

He just holds them tight and hopes that with enough love and affection that things will be made better

The poor man almost looks ready to cry himself, bouncing the baby in his arms while rubbing their back in a desperate attempt to soothe them

"There there...it's okay, everything is okay...papa is here now...please be happy again..."

If that doesn't work, then he'll come find you, hoping that the two of you can stop the tears

Sits the babies between the two of you and looks to you for help because he doesn't know what to do to make it better

He can't treat them the same way he treats everyone else, his kids are special

He loves his children so much, and it hurts him to see such a raw emotion on their little faces

His smile is wobbly and his eyes are worried, leaning into the feeling of your hand on his cheek

"We can do this, darling, don't doubt the power you have to make our children happy."

Watches as you pick up one baby and hold them to your chest, humming softly to them while pressing a small kiss on their head

He copies you, and immediately, his heart breaks at how tightly his baby is clinging to him, watery eyes staring up at him

He brushes a hand over trembling ears and makes sure to give his baby the most reassuring smile

"My my...aren't you a little underdressed right now?"

Now his baby looks confused, ears pricking up as a clawed finger wipes away a few tears

"You know, you're never fully dressed without a smile~"

He rubs noses with his baby and feels his heart soar when he hears a little giggle, followed by the feeling of tiny hands on his face

Alastor is so relieved that his baby isn't sad anymore, squeezing them tightly and peppering kisses all over their face

And he's definitely not blushing or a little flustered when he notices you're watching him with a warm smile

"Why don't you give them a show? They love listening to their papa sing..."

He can't refuse that, getting both babies settled in your lap before dramatically taking stage, music erupting from a radio

You're looking at him like he's the most wonderful man in the world, like he's not some vicious evil demon who terrorizes people

And his babies are gazing at him like he hung each star in the sky for them, like he can do anything

But most importantly, you're all smiling

🎶 "Hey! Hobo man! Hey Dapper Dan!"🎶

🎶 YOU BOTH GOT YOUR STYLE

BUT BROTHER YOU'RE NEVER FULLY DRESSED

WITHOUT A SMILEEEEE 🎶

[1-800-cheolie]

baby fever - part 1 ; part 2

word count: 487

side note: thank you for all the love :D it makes me so happy people loved my first and second part so here’s a third to all my pookies out there, mwah.

it’s your day off. fighting villains everyday weren’t ideal, not to mention how exhausted you are from such a long shift. the moment you arrive home, your body gave out.

as you doze off, noises clatter in the kitchen. your husband and 2 year-old son are in the kitchen, doing as they please.

katsuki understands being a mother, a wife and a hero altogether can take a toll on your body, hence why they’re creating a mess right at this very moment—not that you needed to know.

your husband knows how pouty you can be when it comes to huge messes in the kitchen.

“look at me, dada! look at me!” daiki chirps, standing tall on the other side of the counter, across from his father. “i mixed the ‘nana (banana)” his little grin causes katsuki to chuckle at the sight of his son covered in pancake batter.

“good job, little man. mama is going to be so proud of you. let’s get you all cleaned up” your husband proceeds to hoist up daiki, unknowingly slipping on a banana peel. the one daiki tossed onto the floor.

the both of them go tumbling. katsuki landing right on his back with daiki wrapped securely in his arms as a pained grunt spews right out of his mouth. he curses under his breath, staring down at a giggling daiki. pancake batter drips down his shoulders. his hair has been flattened, drenched from head to toe.

daiki points at his father’s hair. “uh-oh. hair color same as ‘nana”

“ya think yer funny, huh?” katsuki tuts.

“nu-uh. I t’ink dada is funny!”

you snort from the hallway. arms crossed with an amused smile spreading across your lips. No wonder you heard so much clinking, your boys were making breakfast. “it takes two to tango” katsuki swears his soul takes a flight at the sound of your voice. you were sound asleep when he last checked.

“hi mama!” daiki zooms out of his father’s lap, jumping right into your arms. “i mixed ‘nana wit’ dada!”

“good job, baby. i’m so proud—“ whoosh. you don’t get the chance to finish before katsuki leaps his way over, causing all three of you to slip backwards as a squeak erupts from the back of your throat. “—katsuki!”

“mhmm, that’s my name, sweets. i suppose we all have to bathe together now” he mumbles into your neck. you make a face and katsuki doesn’t have to know what kind of expression you’re making, because he can feel your face muscles shifting in their spot.

“nice try, katsuki. you too, daiki. get up and start cleaning” you watch as they both pout.

sometimes, you wonder how strong your husband’s genes are—they were just too similar. you couldn’t help but chuckle. “i’ll re-make the pancake batter and add in your favorites in return” they were immediately up and ready, saluting you.

home is where your boys are.

[featguler]

i'm being for real ────── "she ain't brahim's girlfriend, dude".

♡ ────── pairing : brahim díaz x reader ♡ ────── tags : reader is female, and her faceclaim is established. she has lived in england for a while. reader is a tiktoker. google translated spanish idc. ♡ ────── notes : HIIII sorry for not being active, i've been sick and now i'm working on a thesis proposal while also working... i miss yall omfg how are you all doing :(( <333 ALSO IGNORE TIMELINES i had a hard time finding pics for this smau for some reason.... i don't know what the plot is but they do a hard launch at the end of this. HOPE U ALL ENJOY mwah mwah ♡ masterlist.

FACECLAIM 𖤐⭒๋࣭ ⭑ dwynna win ( instagram )

DISCLAIMER 𖤐⭒๋࣭ ⭑ 𐙚 i am not affiliated with dwynna win, brahim diaz, or anyone mentioned in this fic 𐙚 any similarities in name, time, and place is purely coincidental 𐙚 do not mind the time stamps 𐙚 click on the pictures if it seems blurry!

yninstausername

liked by judebellingham, brahim, stanwaygeorgia and others

yninstausername knee-deep in the passenger seat view all comments

instausername not the situationship song

instausername IS IT CASUAL NOW!!!

judebellingham when's your next video coming out ❤️ by author

yninstausername obsessed 😭 instausername @.judebellingham WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE instausername @.instausername they've been friends awhileeeee instausername @.instausername y/n is friends with a lot of english athletes

instausername outfit ate as always

instausername which man is this about this time

yninstausername none i hate all men instausername brahim duh 😂

brahim how is your day? ❤️ by author

yninstausername that should be my question?

instausername GIRL THAT TOP IS SOOOO CUTE!!!

aggiebjones should it be known that i took these pics ❤️ by author

yninstausername SORRY yninstausername ilysm

instausername YOU'RE SO PRETTY OMGGG 🫶🫶🫶 ❤️ by author

yninstausername FINALLY someone focusing on the important thing!!

instausername this the one yall are saying are dating brahim?

instausername lol no one is saying that they're dating instausername @.instausername EVERYONE is saying they're dating, go on x or tiktok instausername she's dating bellingham no???

instausername where's your top from girl ily ❤️ by author

yninstausername it's from! @.boutiquee!!! 🥰

tiktokusername

tiktokusername meet brahim diaz's new girlfriend 😍 #brahim #realmadrid view all comments

tiktokusername i thought she's dating jude bellingham??

tiktokusername she's way too old for jude tikotkusername "way too old" is reaching 💀 tiktokusername jude likes his ladies older than him tho

tiktokusername doesn't seem like brahim's type ngl

yntiktokusername wait no way she's dating brahim?

yntiktokusername like the footballer? tiktokusername HUUUHHHH???? tiktokusername bruh she's friends with brahim i wouldn't take this to heart 😂

tiktokusername NOOOO NOT BRAHIM ANYONE BUT MY BABY

tiktokusername just checked her tiktok account no way they're dating 😭😭😭

tiktokusername what's wrong with her acc? genuinely asking tiktokusername just someone who doesn't look like the type that a footballer might date tiktokusername yeah

tiktokusername no not my lowkey internet husband getting into an actual relationship

tiktokusername LIKEE... i cannot take this

yntiktokusername

yntiktokusername almost got... slayed 🩸 view all comments

tiktokusername ain't no way she's brahim's gf 💀

tiktokusername SLAYYYY (literally)

tiktokusername brahim IS a pretty funny guy

tiktokusername this is more jude's humour, no?

tiktokusername you're right.. no

yntiktokusername

yntiktokusername what's cookin' good looking? view all comments

tiktokusername HELPPP WHAT IS THIS

yntiktokusername 😏😏

yninstausername

liked by merymf4, sergioramos, brahim, and others

yninstausername one week in spain and i already wanna live hereeee!!!!! view all comments

brahim hala madrid 🤍

yninstausername ??? 🙄🙄🙄 yourdad @.brahim hala madrid 🥰🤍 yninstausername @.brahim hala madrid 🤍

instausername oh now she's dating brahim she wants to be a real madrid fan lol

instausername she's friends with like 5 real madrid players + from other fcs too instausername sergio liked this post... you don't get a sergio follow from being a fake fan instausername she's a rma fan since day one instausername we don't know if theyre dating instausername pretty sure she's dating bellingham

fedevalverde Bienvenida!! 🤩 ( Welcome!! ) ❤️ by author

yninstausername muchas gracias!! 💃 ( thank you very much!! ) instausername fedeeeeee

yourfather hala madrid... 🥰🤍 ❤️ by author

yninstausername these are barcelona pics, papa🤍 yourfather @.yninstausername the scarf... hala madrid 🥰🥰🥰 ❤️ by author

instausername y'all crazy if you think she needs brahim for clout

yninstausername madridistas yall are hating on me because i'm a girl who likes football right be honest

yninstausername well my dad's been a madridista since before half of you were born what now instausername no we're hating bc you like real madrid after dating one of its players lol instausername @.instausername she has a real madrid highlight dating from like 8 years agp 😭😭 instausername just because your daddy's a madridista doesnt make you one lol instausername no we hate clout chasers instausername yall in her comments trying to shame her for liking football!! that's crazy, leave my girl alone!!

merymf4 bienvenue <3 !! ( welcome <3 !! ) ❤️ by author

yninstausername in french? 😂🤍

instausername 2024 and we're still hating on girls liking male dominated hobbies omfg

instausername like these bitches are so embarrassing

brahim

liked by vinijr, ardaguler, yninstausername , and others

brahim ¡Te quiero, @.realmadrid! 🤍#HalaMadrid view all comments

vinijr tranqui 🤍🤍🤍 ❤️ by author

judebellingham one in a million player 🤍 ❤️ by author

instausername coldest 🥶

ardaguler abiiii ❤️ by author

yninstausername league champions! 🤍 ❤️ by author

brahim 🏆🫡

brahim added to their story!

yntiktokusername

yntiktokusername i can breathe again view all comments

tiktokusername IS THIS YOUR HARD LAUNCH?? 😭😭😭

yntiktokusername wait i'll do better i swear

tiktokusername me

tiktokusername opened me right up

tiktokusername brahim FINALLY replied huh?

yninstausername just added to their story!

[whoishotteranimepolls]

Fandom Observation Funny tags: One Piece The Emperors & Crew

Due to character limits, the funny tags post has had to be broken up into multiple parts

This part contains the tags for the Red Hair Whitebeard, Blackbeard, Big Mom, and Beast Pirates. Plus Cross Guild. Enjoy because you guys really outdid yourself

The Red Hair Pirates

Benn Beckman: "Dilf," "retirement blorbo", "Benn Beckman is a religious experience", "to me? beckman is the character with the most sex appeal ever. raw sex appeal. I would [redacted] if I met this man. just sayin", "He can ruin my life any day of the week", "Also lest we forget pre TS Beck a++ quality right there I just want someone smart who will also hit a guy with a gun is that so much to ask for", "This p**** wants what she wants and its always going to be Benn “back breaker" Beckman", husband material, "men are like wine in order to get a good vintage you want the one that's aged", he had that sexy blind and reckless loyalty about him", "Beckman is a fine aged vintage of wine as men should be", "DEAR GOD the things I WOULD DO to that man LIKE [redacted] and [redacted] because [redacted] and [redacted]", "idk how to explain it but he's so wife", "benn beckman? more like benn breastman ok sorry yeah anyways. said it before and ill say it again beckman exudes raw sex appeal like jesus christ. why would you not want to fuck this man ive had lesbian friends who said he would be an exception to them which is so real his tits are big he loves his captain he STUBBED HIS CIGARETTE IN A MAN'S EYE UNDER THE GUISE OF DEFENDING HIS CAPTAIN so fucking sexy mwah mwah beckman my wife you are so hot SO HOT. in conclusion benn breastman you will forever be a top sexyguy in my head oh also forgot to add. he canonically gets bitches which is so real. he could get me any day", "Oh dear I just realised I have a thing for older men with grey hair and have substance abuse issues I choose to believe lung cancer does not exist in opu", "Live action Benn looks like that one uncle no one wants to invite to the family reunion but has to anyway because the grandparents insisted” “Benn Fine Fucking Vintage Beckman cannot believe OPLA boxed that fine ass wine what were they thinking I'd happily spend hundreds of dollars for Becky but no they had to pawn him off as a cheap $20 boxed wine probably powdered and needs to be reconstituted yes i am that bitter this was the only bad casting call they had in S1 never forgive never forget” “I honestly loved that they made beckman just some guy you could pass on the street and not look twice at in the live action but… he's definitely not hot” “really I think mid-40s is the sweet spot for Beckman#hair is kinda salt-and-peppery; not quite black but not quite silver I cast my vote for pre-ts bc I didn't think he'd get enough votes and I like the way he looks” “I bet he's hiding a Special kind of Sea King in his pants too” “DAMN RIGHT ! my man is PACKING !” “ He should demand child support from Rayleigh because if it weren't for him, Shanks probably would have ended up dead of his drunken stupidity a long time ago under his watch. He only lost one arm, and that's because Shanks ran off by himself and was left unsupervised for 5 minutes. That's not Benn's fault.” “

Shanks: Margaritaville Himbo, "Dilflicious", "the deadbeat malewife wifi user", "I am a whole lesbian but if there were a butch girl version of these men I would let shanks ruin my life", "favorite guy in the local frat" He's probably a walking STD risk but he's hot and I'm a slut that has a thing for red heads, "the unwashed bitch", "LOOK AT THAT SCRUFF ON SHANKS the three scars on his face that smile", "my Scrungle drunk bastard", I would volunteer to be his next baby mama you know shanks got a few a dozen red haired children all over the grand line tell me I'm wrong" “early shanks is perfect in my heart he's a rapscallion!!! he looks like he giggles,” “Post Time Skip Shanks is a daddy Live action shanks feels like a goofy dad/uncle,” “ In sorry but shanks looks like markiplier” “sorry shanks your ex husbands winning this one” “I think Shank's actor is WAY hotter as a brunette” “seriously though la shanks looks like a wet rat even more than his anime counter part” “I'm voting shanks he's just so… what a dream of a man. you know?” “shanks can’t be hot his good looks don’t make up for his personality” “shanks because he would make a good dad had his ass been able to keep kids” “Shanks having the least amount of votes is actually breaking my heart it's okay Shanks I love you” “confession i lowkey dislike shanks MOTHING AGAINST HIM PERSONALLY but like the fandom treatment of him he is EVERYWHERE and does NOTHING until the wano flashbacks (his most screentime untill egghead) i did not care about him sorry” “heh lol eat dirt Shanks (this user has nothing against Shanks except that he's always beating her faves)” “shanks sweep! idk anything about one piece other than i want to fuck him probably other stuff too” “why is shanks winning. basic ass website” “still going feral over shanks” “how many times must shanks make that cheap copy bite the dust” “after this weeks episode my hot for Shanks is at an all time high sooooo👀👀one arm daddy wins this time” “dejectedly picks shanks because at the end of the day i am a fag with problems i like my men horribly unwell” “He's the biggest fuckboy to ever whore about the grand line” “Shanks got absolutely everything from Rayleigh. Swordsmanship, haki mastery, a knack for epic entrances, ugly pants, bisexuality, and a slutty, slutty lifestyle across the Grand Line. Sorry to Roger, but the kid clearly took after the other father.” “'m shocked Beckman hasn't put that boy on a leash yet oh im damn sure beck has put that guy on a leash ifykwim” “Some of us are just complete sluts, and we're totally okay with that. I'm fully self-aware, and I totally would volunteer to be Shanks's baby mama. People have been talking about the implications of devil fruits in the bedroom. I want to know if Haki has bedroom misuses.” “I would volunteer to be the maid, especially if it comes with a cute slutty maid outfit. I bet Shanks would go feral for that, and again, I'm self-aware that I'm a total ho. Plus, I wouldn't care as long as I'm getting railed by the Daddy Emperor of the Sea every night” “Dorky Shanks my beloved” “HE CANONICALLY GETS BITCHES i genuinely think only cavendish has been shown to get a bigger amount of groupies (female that is) (sanji got the whole of the g5 but thats another story) anyway my point is shanks is the most fuckable one piece character and has been since day one he was raised by silvers fucking rayleigh what else could he have turned out to be” “least my failman Shanks came in second” “

Yasopp: “VOTE AGAINST YASOPP PLEASE cause that man deserves nothing... >_> if yasopp has no haters im dead”

Cross Guild

Buggy: Assigned clown at birth, walking disaster, "my pathetic sniveling wet clown", my Beloved, "he has blue hair and pronouns", Failboy, "the skrunkly clown", "my clown wife", "he has that fail boy cringe", "buggy has the stronger levels of foolishness and fumbling his way to success", "the cringefail clown extraordinaire buggy", "he is silly and pathetic like a bisexual divorced dad",“WHY? WHY ISN'T HE WINNING? nobody here understands anything” “ know the op poll guidelines say to be kind and now belittle others for their opinions but fucking seriously ARE Y'ALL BLIND y'all have no taste none whatsoever i am ashamed and appalled vote for buggy god damnit VOTE FOR THE CLOWN the VERY HOT IRRESISTIBLE BABY GIRL CLOWN” “buggy is prettier if that makes sense#look at those lashes!” “yall dont get buggy like i do i fear” “live action buggy is succhhh a freak hes so incredibly hot its almost distracting from his greatness” “voted live action but goddamn did impel down buggy make me confused it's the scruff and the gorgeous ponytail” “YEEEEESSS buggy the clown ImpelDown!Buggy HOTTEST BUGGY yes yes yes FUCK YEAH impel down buggy i wanna manhandle that stupid disillusioned cruel manaiacal idealist clown by his beautiful ponytail i would ruin that stupid clown your honor i love him” “Out the way flame boy I’m bout to get that clown cock” “watched 4 whole episodes of one piece for buggy” “BUUGGGGYYY sorry he makes me feral” “Buggy was robbed.” “Ok so Buggy is a wet pathetic loser who fails upwards and somehow gets exactly what he wants in the worst way possible” “He came the closest to killing Luffy before Kaido. He has so much negative rizz it circled around to most eligible bachelor. Crocodile and Mohawk use him as a punching bag. He's Shanks's The One That Got Away” “Oh and he can detach his dick (and hands, and head, and tongue…)” “i dont go here but why does everyone wanna fuck the clown i dont understand l” “where are my clownfuckers at buggy is hot as hell don’t let society tell you otherwise he is literally THE sexy gender-nonconforming loser with blue hair and pronouns” “

Crocodile: desert daddy, Babygirl, "He's like if tony soprano was trans", crocodaddy, crocomommy, Big titty mob boss, He's 8ft tall and I would let he ruin me,"Mr. Sandman", "the human sandcastle," "literally has sand in his britches", "son of a beach", "World's Most Expensive Sand Sculpture", "he's got 99 problems and his hook is one of them", "casino blorbo", "I would subject myself to sandburn any day for THE SIR FUCKING CROCODILE Anakin Skywalker don't go here because I WOULD love sand if it was like 8 feet tall and had a voice like that absolutely rabid he could stick his sand in so many places and I'd thank him crocodile is one of those guys i wanted to hate so bad and then went actually no i want this guy carnally Crocodile has some weird rizz goin on and i need to climb that sandcastle", "I'm so sorry but I need to eat crocodile's pussy", "With Sir Crocodile you can have Sex on the Beach. Literally. Plus he owns a casino so you could probably sip on the cocktail version too...while getting some cocktail.", "mafia vibes and style", "crocodile's got style. class. you will be wined and dined in the most exquisite way you can imagine", "He's got DADDY vibes", " One handsome mafia boss", "I love crocodile but also i wanna punch him and i feel like hes got the sandiest pussy/dick that shit will give me a rash", "my evilest baby boy", "Crocodile invented evil trans swag just saying", "im sorry az but crocodile was my dilf awakening", "in Crocodilf we trust", “i want crocodile to put that out on me” “those rings on his big fingers are the icing on the sandy cake for me” “You can throw me into horny jail all you want but Toei did not do Crocodile any justice, manga Croc is fine as hell, a handsome middle aged sonovabitch and I swear to god by the time I'm done with him that man will be pregnant again” “He's a trans desert king and I love him. I have no other defense” “What you would get is a 8'4" dom with a cool ass style(dude had a whole outift change in impel down just cause LOL). Anon is so right tho, he really is a bond villian type huh? That's a great description ngl 😂” “Big tall sexy transmasc, need I say More” “croc is my virgo king I MUST choose him” “Mr. Sandman is very handsome despite turning into beach herpes. Look if glitter is craft herpes then sand is beach herpes” “

Mihawk: The Vampire Pirate, Goth Dad, the sword father, Pirate Dracula, the big titty goth husband, "I think mihawk would treat you right. i want mihawk to treat me right", "I love his gay wine uncle energy", "I appreciate that he dresses Like That everywhere extra ass bitch", "hot vampire cowboy pirate", Morticia Addams, "Mihawk oozes 'step on me' energy", “ow wow i really don't like mihawk in the live action i mean he's great and funny and terribly camp and reminds me of snagglepuss so i guess he fits a tumblr hotbod to a t!” “mihawk has the most ridiculous moustache known to man” “live action Mihawk was so my type in looks it was like a personal attack” “see if it was a picture of his slutty pants i might have voted for mihawk” “queuecifer” “seeing them side by side. you gotta give credit to the live action. thats just the same dude” “sorry this time it's the la the mustache just looks so much more ridiculous in live action and i love that a man who deliberately and on purpose cuts his facial hair like that is someone i have GOT to bang immediately” “dracule EASY” “everybody likes the fucking twink the most” “see, for me the reason that mihawk is hot is because he'd totally be a pillow princess which means that i'd be able to either 1) ride his face till i pass out, 2) ride his dick till i cant walk, or 3) fuck him till i cant walk. he also has cute eyes and is 'working for' one of the stupidest men to ever sail the seas” “idk man what can i tell you. dracule mihawk vampire sexy” “mihawk my beloved ❤️” “ My autistic goth dad who doesn't know how to use an air fryer”

The Whitebeard Pirates

Ace: "Depressed sunshine orphan boy with daddy issues", "ace has that grungy line cook riz you know he lays legendary pipe", " he got goofy older brother swag", "Beautiful butch dyke wife", "Ace my greasy fire narcoleptic king", "The narcoleptic babygirl", the greasy crusty desert rat. "He would be worth the burn risk", "my favorite fire donut", "something about greasy alabasta ace hits so different", "with his riz he's probably a walking STD risk but it would be worth it. Just look at him probably also probably got a couple bastard kids running around the grand line", it's ok he's still greasy in my heart worlds most feral baby boy he looks like he eats dirt I could fix him (force him to bathe regularly)" “ace has to win every* time he’s LITERALLY FIRE *excluding cases where the opponent is a similar if not more incendiary material” “i am but a sheep i voted ace bc he is my cinnamon apple” “I mean, literally? Ace. Guy's literally made of fire, course he's the hottest.” “this is a trick question obviously it's Fire Fist Ace who can literally turn into fire” “Ace is automatically hottest because he's made of fire.” “ace brainrot is real rn I clicked him so fast” “pfffftt ace's about to be put six feet under again the way he has more votes than the rest combined” “freshly made donut straight from the fryer” “ace is so hot he melted a hole is his - i mean my - heart. he's so hot that he can touch lava and live- i mean he can touch lava. Once. ace is so hot that he turned into a funeral pyre!!!!! ace is so hot his brothers had to get burned just compete ace is so hot he took fire fist literally!!! he took that phrase right to the chest!!! ace is so hot his necklace melted right off of him. ace is so hot everybody just HAD to watched him get fisted on live television. snail vision? Idk okay im done now maybe” “Ace my special little greasy fucked up guy!!! traumatized twunk who may have rabies but it’s ok” “sorry i have to vote for my greasy rat husband ♡” “I see my guy. I vote for him. simple. anyways vote Ace” “ace obliterate this man” “greasy dumpster fire man gotta get the vote” “ace my love my darling my greasy stoner sweetiepie mi chacalito hermoso the light of my life and my blunts” “

Marco: Bird daddy "Mr. Dr. Emotionally-Stable Scrungles", "surfer hippy electric blue glasses wing flapper", "DR. MMMMM", Fineapple" “Marco my favourite little bird. (/∀＼)” “Marco, my love, my darling bird, you won't win - but that's okay, cause you'll always be my 1 <3 /blushes like some little school girl/ don't look at me right now I'm being lovey dovey” “Ah, my sweet bird, you're in a poll with a lot of really hot guys, but that was still an easy vote for me <3” “MARCOOOOOOOO he's a very mild “hear me out” but he's one of mine nonetheless” “Marco!!! everyone sleeps on my favorite old man birb but that’s ok I know the truth” “marco the phoenix also im losing my mind at his talons” “Oh I would be so grateful for some love for my well-toned and taloned retirement blorbo <3” “pls vote marco he's insanely hot” “

Izou: “the things I would do to get izou to shove his gun up my ass…” "Izo is absolutely my type.” “DUDEEEE IZOU PRETTIEST MAN ALIVE IZOU genuinely i would take izou over ace <- unpopular opinion but oughhhh. he. I” “

The Blackbeard Pirates

Blackbeard: “i find Blackbeard so fucking attractive for reasons not even i can explain” “The thing is, who's those 1 percentage that vote for Blackbeard like fr what did you see??😭” “blackbeard wins by virtue of being the sole bhm here. i know he did all those other things but its fine. its okay.” “

Catarina Devon: "my problematic lesbian sugar mommy”

The Big Mom Pirates

Amande: “lowkey obsessed w amande she was soooo cool for the seconds she was on-screen 🥲”

Big Mom: “kinda unfair that Linlin got a picture of her milf phase” “young big mom has to be cheating. voted for her anyway though” “young Linlin is fine as hell tho so she takes it” “you used a picture of YOUNG big mom so yeah it's her hot damn” “

Cracker: "if Cracker just let his hair down he'd be unstoppable i fear", "get wrecked cracker", "I am so curious about the people voting for cracker let me study you please", "cracker getting murdered as expected", "you can't do my biscuit husband like that", "i find cracker really hot"

Daifuku: “power dresser daifuku leads look at those padded shoulders”

Katakuri: "I'm a monsterfucker at heart", "Katakuri is literally so good man he's a family man #he's badass he's got a great sense of honour you know I had to go for the mochi man", "donut king", "KATAKURI MY MOCHI MONSTER TEETH KING CHAMPION HUSBAND THAT I WOULD CLIMB LIKE A MOUNTAIN #I'M ALWAYS ON MY CLIMBING AGENDA WITH MY ONE PIECE KINGS!", "i just know this man would treat me right we love kata", "Kata definitely ticks that hot box" “my giant self conscious doughnut loving beloved” “I could fix him I swear” “To clarify, Katakuri is sixteen feet, eight and a half inches tall. Let that sink in.” “I must defend the donut man” “

Perospero: ”lololol you guys are wrong like look at Perospero what that tongue do😏” “Perospero looks like a dog whose front teeth have been removed and I can't unsee that”

Praline: “ok everyone i'm gonna need a praline sweep RIGHT NOW shes simply perfect”

Smoothie: "ah...smoothie....or as i call her... one piece tsunade Imaoo", "ultimately my desire to be crushed by Smoothie's thighs won out", "SMOOTHIE. THANK YOU mommy long legs... gauhggfghgh......i want her to juice me pleeeeaaaseeeeeeeeeee /silly", “no lady in this poll is prettier than Smoothie. She's got them fine legs that go for days.” “SMOOTHIE MY GIRL U MAY NOT PULL THRU BUT YOULL ALWAYS BE MY FAV” “

The Beast Pirates

Black Maria: “i’m absolutely terrified of spiders but black maria EASILY”

Kaido: "beefcake beast of a man",

King: "King is literally the most beautiful OP character you can't change my mind", "Gotta chose the melanin yknow", "king is so ajdhjdjdjchjd bark bark bark bark", "I saw King and decided he is my blorbo", "king of my [REDACTED]", " I know he's like 20 ft tall and I'm probably the size of his d*** but it would be worth it. I would gladly choose death by snu snu for one night with him" “king is the source of the uhhh. govt weapon fuel source aint he i feel like that gives him hot dominion also: sexiest” “have y'all already forgotten how everyone's brains short-circuited when king's face was revealed shame on you” “its king. no contest no question. i am a slut for a brown man w long hair and i know this about myself” “im a lesbian but king honestly” “king cake IS my favorite kind of cake i'm very proud of that one” “honestly i think king might be the hottest guy oda's ever made” “I mean when king took off his mask for the first time I said out loud 'oh my god he's beautiful'. So.” “I think you’re forgetting that he’s a dark-skinned anime character. We don’t get a lot of those, so they get lapped up like an oasis in the desert” “he dick woudl rip me in half, and that is not something i am interested in’ COWARDICE” “my acearo ass would climb this man like a fucking tree” “Nahhhh this man is a delicious chocolate milkshake 🥵💕😍 I'd climb that 20 foot tree like my life depended on it. Yeah the dinosaur fruit is kind of 🤷‍♀️ but oh well!  That skin, that hair them black fluffy wings are everything. He's so handsomee plussss I'd love to run my fingers through that long hair 😍💕” “His face is carved by the angels themselves” “I need king to **** ******* ****** ***** *** **** **** ** ****” “haha u funny. fire...anyway its King when u simp over someone from One Piece and find out theyre 20 ft tall” “right off the bat king is my fourth pick here. it's a three way time with the other three sorry king he's just. like he's very pretty yes but there's a difference between pretty and hot king is just pretty. ur not winnin today buddyboy” “

Solitaire: “SOLITAIREEEEE GUYS I SWEAR SHES SO FINE IM IN LOVE W HER SHE CAN CHOKE ME W THOSE 6 ARMS I MEAN WHOSAIDTHAT”

[uncouth-the-fifth]

last child - Leon Kennedy/Reader

read it on Ao3.

Pairing: Agent!Leon/Detective!Wife!Reader Tags: more domestic fluff with leon, a touch of angst over leon's scars, passing mentions of drinking, leon being a fucking cheeseball, leon's obscenely handsome back. Words: ~3k Notes: hiiiiii. thank you all so much for you kind comments on the first drabble in this lil collection, i have never felt so inspired!! thus, here's more romantic bullshit with the guy. i'm thinking these will all exist within the same vague universe with detective!reader and husband!leon, especially because you guys gave me some very interesting ideas for him. this drabble in particular was inspired by emrurow, who suggested: "leon def has a whole package of scars from his missions and just imagine this scene where the reader is like gently caressing them and kissing them and its just so fluffly and sweet and vulnerable at the same time.........aghhhh." AGREED. now combine that with my strange urge to hose this bitch down with sunscreen. i hope you like the direction i took for this! enjoy <3

“Vacation” is a funny word in the Kennedy world.

When your work-buddies at the precinct bring up their vacations, it’s always a trip with the kids that’s months in the making, or summer getaways with the missus they’ve requested time off for. Always in the States and always planned ahead. The big joke in the bullpen is that the officer with the most cases closed this year will win a dazzling trip to Greece—but Leon has been to Greece, and he claims it’s pretty boring.

You think you’d find Greece pretty boring, too, if you spent the whole time there crawling around in the mud and hiding under enemy tanks.

So, no Greece for you. Vacations in the Kennedy world look more like this: Leon is cleared to go home, he somehow gets hold of your ever-shifting work schedule, becomes possessed with the urge to throw himself at the closest idea of “relaxing,” and springs it on you as a very romantic surprise. No elaborate itineraries. No plan. Just whatever consensus the two of you come to in the car, partners-in-crime escaping into the wind.

“So… Vegas?” You joke, slipping your key into the ignition of Leon’s precious Lamborghini Miura. So precious to him, in fact, that he avoids driving it at every opportunity.

The second he sags down into the passenger’s seat, your husband spams the recline button until he’s near-horizontal. The hand not cradling an ice pack over his nasty black eye curls loose around your elbow.

He scoffs, winking open his good eye at you. “With my luck?”

“Ooh, right. Bad idea then.”

Yeah. His track record with cars alone was impressive—he’d busted open two in the first year you’d been married, and you’ve been chauffeuring him ever since. Somehow, you don’t think Leon and casinos would mix.

You can’t resist the urge to pet his poor knuckles. These, too, were banged up. After a beat of the two of you filing through all of your available escape plans, you break the pensive bubble in the car by sweetly kissing his bruise-mottled hand. “Mwah. Where do you want to be right now, baby? Let me take you there.” 

Leon’s head had lolled to face yours, and for the millionth time since Racoon you’re struck by how bone-tired he always seems. He rasps with a tasteful touch of patheticness, “I want a cold beer and I wanna be outside. Wanna see you in a swimsuit, too.”

As straight-forward as a chainsaw, this guy. Hm. Your brows flick up at the picture he paints for you, and you lean right up to his face so Leon can see how unimpressed you are. “Do you want a sandwich, too, Mr. Kennedy? Maybe some—”

You go quiet even before Leon lays a kiss on you. It’s his hand that does it, long-fingered and twisted with damage, guiding you closer with enough painful tenderness to make a mote of sand feel special. Uhm. What had you been saying? You’d been talking, but… The touch wasn’t a little tap for you to tilt your head up, no—it’s just on the right side of needy, the heavy pads of his fingertips dimpling your jaw so he can pull you down to kiss him. Happiness tastes like spearmint gum. 

You part with a soft wet sound. Leon licks his lip and smiles, “No. Just wanna be with you.”

Well, the best place to be with him that involved cold beer, the grand outdoors, and one of your swimsuits was the lakehouse he owned up in Philly. The fact that he agreed to go there was truly a testament to how desperate he was to relax. The lakehouse wasn’t like his Lamborghini, your Prada sandals, or the boat bobbing in the marina back in DC—it was a family heirloom. One last relic of the old Kennedy money he never talked about. The most Leon had ever said about his inheritance was that it was “dirty,” and you don’t think he meant in the messy way.

Your husband’s secretive past aside, the memories you’d made here together were sun-warm and golden. If you were looking to make some extra money on the side, you think you’d offer up the place to the film crew of some wholesome coming-of-age movie. It was stupidly gorgeous. On a sunny afternoon like this one, the water was one horizon-wide mirror, making the whole day twice as sky-blue and shimmering. A pine-y breeze cooled the drying water on your back and fluttered through the heavy, low-slung trees reaching for passing paddle-boats. Hanging over the whole thing was Leon’s personal slice of the Appalachian mountains. He never said much about the house itself, but his childhood hiking the trails was free game.

Leon has a knack for escaping. He’s not nearly as good at vacationing. Lucky for him, you wrote the goddamn manual.

Your husband lays his chin on his folded arms and peers at you over his shoulder. “Like this?”

From where you’re standing rooted to the weathered wood of your jetty, Leon is a fucking vision. He lays out in the sun on his belly, lazy tomcat limbs loose and pliant on the dock. All you can make out of his face is the white, knife-straight scar on his chin, hidden by a feathery curtain of angel blonde hair. Even the tacky palm tree beach towel he’s laying on suits him.

…It takes you a second to answer, cause, yeah. Yes. That’s… wow. Holy shit.

“...Dear?” 

How can one word gush with so much smugness? Hoo, boy. He was a baby, honey, sweetheart guy. Not dear. For that, you slip off one of your foam flip-flops to smack him or something—but, of course, Leon swats it aside without looking. 

The innocent little shoe almost goes spiraling into the water lapping at the dock, but bumps into your cooler instead. A fishing boat just a few leagues out has arena rock radio on full blast. One of Leon’s hands taps out the drums for Hot for Teacher.

“Shut up.” You puff a strand of hair out of your face. “Is that really how you’re gonna talk to the person single-handedly saving you from sun-damage?”

“Haven’t saved me yet,” he gives a pointed wiggle of his poor, sunscreen-less shoulders.

As rebellious as you’re feeling, you do as told. He’s impossible to resist like this. Well, he’s upsettingly dreamy in any situation, but he’s at his worst when he’s all lazy and languid for you after too long apart.

“Let’s fix that,” you say, and uncap your tube of SPF 50.

Leon’s face drops back into his folded arms. You pad around his body on the towel, careful not to step on him as you take your usual seat on the small of his back. It’s then that the gravity of your task hits you. Why the fuck are his elbows attractive?

Bigger question: how are you going to survive the next fifteen minutes? It had been you in the skincare aisle this morning. Hell, your hand had gone for the lotion sunscreen over the spray sunscreen for a reason. In that moment, you knew how your decision would butterfly into the future, and that no matter what you would always end up here, staring down the gorgeous swath of Leon’s bare back. Un-sunscreened. Needing you to touch him. Ugh.

“My eyes are up here,” Leon remarks at your silence.

Your other flip-flop dings off his shoulder with a satisfying bounce.

“...I let that happen.”

You don’t doubt that he did, but it feels good to tease him. 

Burdened by the consequences of your actions, you slump forwards on top of him. He’s dinged up even back here, and there are strange, yellowing bruises patching around his shoulder-blades that you stoop to kiss. You understand why he only has the energy to lay flat on a towel like a fish. It looks painful, and not for the first time in your life you’re overwhelmed by the need to take care of him.

…He has single-handedly set feminism back at least thirty years.

Well. Dammit. You glare down at your husband’s stupid, beautiful back muscles. “I do this because I love you very much. Not because I feel obligated to as your wife, or cause’ of any societal expectations. Just because of you.”

Leon, still running on a dead battery, gives you a confident salute. You imagine eagles cawing overhead. “Yes, ma’am.”

Another loss for feminism: that gets a big, giddy laugh out of you. Maybe you just missed him, but his sleepy jokes are hitting the mark even more than usual. You’re still peeling with giggles as you drop a big dollop of sunscreen into your hand, and they don’t die down until you’ve spread it between your palms and begun to spread it out over his shoulders.

The tips of his ears have gone red. He warmly mutters, “Love that sound.”

Since it’s not every day that you get to indulge in your husband’s back, you take your time. He lets out a long breath when the cold cream meets his sun-warm skin, and in that one sound you hear weeks of pent-up tension already melting away. Leon has always seemed unstoppable to you. Even in his wiry rookie days, when you never would’ve called him wiry at all, he felt like he could plow through anything on a wave of willpower and spite. Now, that relentlessness has become physical. He’s plump with muscle all over. His back especially, so much of his weight as taut and ready-to-go as a bull on the charge. 

Or, in less words: he’s built like a brick shithouse.

But he is still, at his core, the not-wiry-yet-wiry rookie you loved. When you accidentally press into a new bruise, he makes a soft wincing sound through his teeth.

“Sorry, baby,” you utter. 

From then on, your touches go feather-light. You fan your palms down his slim waist and make sure his freckly shoulders get good coverage. For a while, the thoughts in your mind go somewhere far away and shapeless, focussed only on the task at hand. But the sunscreen makes his skin so shiny that all the little details catch more highlights than usual, and you realize, with a rising sense of discomfort, that all the things you aren’t allowed to know about him are laid out in front of you. There are loads of scars on your husband’s back that you don’t even recognise anymore.

The old ones are the ones you know. Most of them are nothing more than thin, pale discolorations now, just distinct enough to make out from memory. In a fucked up way, it’s fascinating: there is a sad old scar on the back of your hand from Raccoon, and when it passes over a similar jagged cut on Leon’s ribs, the two have aged together. But while you’ve gained only a few odd scrapes or dings being a detective in DC, Leon’s body is a whole new story.

They are not the neat, decorational scars an artist might accessorize a figure with. It’s all ugly, in inconvenient places that layer over one another, quick swipes, deep gouges, shallow bullet wounds, shredded lacerations, and more you don’t even have words for. Your heart plummets into your gut. You’ve seen these scars on him when they were still fresh bandages, but it only dawns on you now, stepping back to look at the full picture, just how many he has.

You swallow hard. “I’m so glad you’re home. Did I tell you that?”

Leon hums a yes, but it’s a dragged out, suspicious sound. He’s quick to sus you out. Nobody in the world can read you better.

You’re shooed off his back with a hand, and when he lumbers off his belly to sit up and face you, the sliver of black-eye you catch underneath his ice pack cuts you deep. He hasn’t opened his free arm for a whole second before you’re darting underneath it, his body tacky with sunscreen where it melds with yours. Your finger swirls around the oldest bullet-scar on his arm.

Leon takes a slow pull from his beer, squishing your face a little where it’s tucked against his shoulder. The bottle taps against the dock. Tink. Always, always, he has to joke with you first. “You’re making your worried face. Stop thinking.”

Your voice is muffled by his shoulder. “You can’t even see my worried face.”

“Then you’re making your worried silence.” Disappointed, he asks, “Where’d all your giggles go?” 

The reply that your mind loads up for him is an unfiltered, pained, I hate that you’ve been in so much pain. But telling him that would only be stating the obvious, and in the grand scheme of his mission and his self-bound duty to protecting other people, (never himself, never ever himself), it feels like a stupid thing to say.

You’re not sure what to say. Instead, you drag your finger down a raised pink scar on the back of his arm, laid neatly with connective tissue like rows of embroidery. “...What’s this from?”

Leon has to check to know which one you’re talking about. Squinting at his arm, he plucks through his memory before guessing, “Pulled a girl out of a fire.”

That is exactly what you figured he’d say. Sure, he’ll chatter your ear off about Aerosmith and Italian cooking to no end, but the second you even blink in the direction of his work, the chatter dries up. All that’s missing is the smart-mouthed segue—

Leon pulls a smug face. “She’s a virologist now.”

“Ashley isn’t graduating until next year,” you roll your eyes.

That earns you a one-arm shrug. He’s still glimmering with pride. “She’ll be a virologist in a year, then.”

It’s never what gave him the scar that he remembers—it’s why he got it, what cause he took it for, that he never forgets.

The arm wrapped slung around your waist goes for his beer again, and this time Leon squishes you extra while he takes his sip. When that doesn’t succeed in sparking another laugh from you, he drops all pretense and resorts to tickling you, pinching your side and keeping you fished against him when you shriek and squirm away.

“Leon!”

“What!” He groans. “I’m trying to have a little R&R and you’re brooding. Enough.”

“That’s rich, coming from you,” you scoff—and then scream in outrage, because Leon decides he’s had enough of you and attempts to push you off the dock.

The only reason you don’t go sploshing into the drink is because you get a good hold on him first, and if you go down, then so would he. Between all that playful wrestling and shouting, Leon tugs you into an insistent kiss. And because this is him, the center of all good things in your world, you come out of it warm-faced and giggling again, your cheeks aching with a bright grin. He never fails to make you laugh.

You slump back on the beach towel, still twitching with little laughs. Just to win some of your dignity back, you reach past him and steal a long sip from his beer, shaking your head at him the whole time. It washes down your throat bubbly and wonderfully cold. “So mean.”

“C’mere,” Leon pats the space next to him. And knowing precisely what he’s doing, he hits you with one of the closed-mouth smiles you never see and assuages all of your worries with one, “My sweet girl.”

Hook, line, and sinker. You join him on the end of the dock, (weary of any mischievous hands that might shove you in), feet dangling over the edge and dipping into the pleasant, swaying waters. The breeze on your wet skin is almost too chilly, so Leon’s sun-warm body spooning up behind yours is the ultimate balm. You bask in your personal space heater for as long as he’ll let you, and he presses lazy kisses to your shoulder as you squeeze him close.

There’s a long, scraggly white line snaking up his wrist. You outline it with a finger. This is one of the ones you were there for, back in Raccoon—Leon took a bad hit for you, pushing you ahead of him so you could get to safety first. You’re curious to see what he’ll say.

You tap the scar. “What about this one?”

Leon doesn’t have to look to know which one you’re talking about, this time. His nose nudges behind your ear, and your body thumbs head to toe with the rumble of his voice, a single harp’s chord plucked by an expert player. “Keeping my world safe.”

Oh my god.

A huge, impish grin blooms on your face. “...You are such a fucking cheeseball.”

Leon pushes you clean off his lap and straight into the lake.

[brainwashedsmogbreathingprincess]

Thoughts on the new Batman issue.

Brucie Wayne my favourite fake himbo you have been dearly missed, I feel like I haven't really seen Bruce actually doing stuff for Gotham as "Bruce" in awhile so mwah loved that.

While we did receive confirmation that riddler is up to something nefarious the real alert to this was the fucking blue tooth ear piece. Also this man became a crypto bro and apparently that was enough for citizens to ignore previous crimes and while that might seem ridiculous turn your eyes to Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg and go "yeah seems about white".

Oh cool I love when they cross over with mar- JOHN WALKER?!? (Side note the police immediately going "yeah the gun and blade wielding patriot is fine, now SOMEBODY GET THAT BATFREAK!")

If you missed the golden age of comics don't worry they're bringing back one thing, that's right it's "The Red Scare!" Ooooh spooky.

And finally betting is open on "the brother". Options include but not limited to Hush, that clone that died of old age, a different clone, court of owls bullshit, Thomas Wayne jr aka owlman (possibly universe hopped), Superman pulling a funny or the least likely option an actual half brother from Thomas that forever ruins his character and Bruce's memory by claiming he was an unfaithful husband (and not with Alfred damn).

[sassylegshayne]

marry me, idiot.

AH ITS HERE!!!! I will say, like I've been saying, I'm still in the really early stages of this fic. like this has been edited twice where as every chapter of sylcd is done three times over so. I really have no clue when the next chapter will be out as I haven't finished it yet; might be during sylcd's final chapters or it might be after. 3.2k words let me know what you guys think!! enjoy mwah xx

series masterlist

"Okay, we have a slight issue." You heard the voice beside you clear as day despite the headphones that sat over your ears.

"Is the issue something you caused for us?" You turned to your best friend with a brow quirked.

"That's extremely rude but very true, yes." Spencer nodded as he took a sip from his cup, spinning his chair to face you. Spence and you had been close for a while, you joining the crew only a few months after Spence had, the two of you spending countless hours editing beside each other. The two of you grew close after a couple of longer projects. The two of you leaning on each other for advice and well needed breaks from time to time.

It has become a joke around the office about Spencer being your work husband; he had a knack for picking you up an drink on his way in, or grabbing lunch for the both of you, or Spencer's ability to pause anything he was working on at the snap of a finger for you. He was pretty much head over heels for you, and you were the only one blind enough to not see it. It's funny to think that you felt the same exact way, and everyone but Spencer could tell.

"So, remember when we started here and we became friends and we made that joke about when we turned thirty."

You stared blankly back at your best friend, the joke about marrying if you're both still single by thirty a distant memory in your mind by this point. It crossed your mind once recently. Last year, you spent your entire 'Dirty Thirty' party that the office threw for you clinging to Spencer.

You made a habit of keeping him alongside you for every big moment of your life since you'd met. You wanted to look back on these moments, that were destined to be great already, to include Spencer.

"Okay, so you do remember, that's great." Spencer clapped his hands together as he grinned at you.

"I saw a TikTok about the wedding gifts you get from inviting companies and rich people, even if you don't know them and I want in!" Spence argued, wiping his sweaty palms off on his pants as he worked his way towards the problem with this rambling explanation.

"I think it's unfair that just because two people are getting married they get to have all that stuff. With all my info had, I made some quick wedding invitations and sent some out, fully expecting PR packages to come back." He trailed off as

"Charles Spencer," You quietly chastised, wanting to not believe a word he was saying, but knowing deep down that Spencer was being truthful. "You are insane, I can't believe you did that!"

"T'm sorry, okay. Listen, Y/N, I thought it was gonna be a funny joke to give you a bunch of fake wedding gifts for our fake wedding on your real birthday! I didn't expect people to accept, but I know that is my fault for inviting some people that actually agreed."

"Charles," You started, using his legal name yet again. He wasn't usually worried about you using it, it wasn't some secret he was keeping it anything, but the tone in your voice told him that you weren't happy at all. "Who all accepted?"

"I'm sorry, I know I'm never gonna say that enough, but it was only a few people!" Spencer knew his voice was just getting higher and higher the more you two spoke, his anxiety spiking.

"Yes, okay, Rhett and Link accepted," A gasp left you as Spencer cringed, knowing his mistake. "Kathy Bates politely declined but sent an autographed headshot!" He removed the framed photo from his backpack before setting it beside your monitor.

He grinned worriedly, gesturing towards it as you let your forehead meet the desk, groaning.

"Besides the people that own the company we work for, who else said yes?" You asked through gritted teeth as Spencer looked to his phone, finding the note that held his list.

"Rapid fire, Tana Mongeau, Carrot Top, and Rob Schneider. It's not that many people, Y/N, we can just call it off." Spencer placed his hand on your back, rubbing softly as you groaned again, completely shocked by just how royally fucked this whole thing was gonna turn out to be no matter what you did.

"I'm so, so sorry, Y/N but. will you marry me?"

"emergency meeting at my desk in ten please need advice bc Spencer's an idiot"

"That's was very rude and I am plenty offended." Spencer quipped, setting his phone down on his desk after reading the group chat message you'd sent out. You shot him a glare, all argued out for the day after spending the last hour trying to convince Spence to let you tell your friends, hoping they'd help you figure out the story you'd make up in place of a wedding.

He finally caved, feeling terrible about the mess he had drug you into, allowing you to explore different ways out of this mess. In no time, Courtney, Damien and Shayne accompanied the two of you at your desks, various stolen chairs offering comfort to your friends.

"What did Spencer do now?" Damien asked, causing Spence to scoff and shake his head.

"I'm starting to get upset that everyone just assumes that I really fucked something up this bad." He defended himself as he leaned back in his chair, practically able to hear your eyes rolling.

"You did, though. You lied to people and now we're getting married." You stayed simply, eyes wide as you began to argue with your future better half yet again.

"You're already my work wife, we're pretty much married." You rolled your eyes once as Spencer countered you, reaching his hand towards your mug of coffee, being stopped as you lightly slapped at him.

"l'm sorry, I don't know if l'm missing something and everyone else is up to speed but, uh, when did y'all get together long enough to lead to getting married?" Shayne questioned, pulling your attention from Spencer as you took in the looks from those around you.

Damien's face held a mix of confusion and excitement, Courtney was rendered speechless and it seems like Shayne was using every last braincell he had to piece together this puzzle.

"Okay, phew, wow, that is what this meeting is about, honey." Spencer cooed as he grinned goofily at you, wrapping your left hand in his as he held your palm to his chest.

You tried your best to hid the smile that so desperately wanted to grace your lips, taking a deep breath as you closed your eyes, the feeling of a migraine quickly approaching.

You took your time explaining through the story, Spencer chiming in when needed but mostly stuck to nodding along as you spoke.

"Spencer," Damien pointed his index finger at the shorter man, both with brows raised at each other. "You're an idiot, my guy. Why did Rhett and Link seem like a good idea? Why did any of this seem like a good idea, but especially our bosses."

You sighed, resting your head in the palm of your hand as you awoke your monitor. You sat up as an email sat at the top of your inbox labeled important.

"Congratulations to Y/N and Spencer!"

You couldn't tell how long you spent staring at the desktop, the company wide email from the Mythical Management staring directly back. The noise of your friends chatter drown out as the words in the letter repeated over and over in your mind.

You had to go through with this, or you had to hide behind the arrangement and a shitty excuse of a prank. No other options popped into your head.

"Y/N? You okay?" A warm, familiar hand rested on your shoulder, giving you a gentle squeeze.

Spencer's eyes worriedly searched your face as his brow furrowed at your slumped frame. His gaze followed you, his heart sinking as he Scanned over the email.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Y/N..." He trailed off, running a hand through his hair as he leaned back once more.

The other three moved, all looking over your shoulders to read the message. Gasps and murmurs broke out between them as they say back down.

Your small group sat in silence for a moment. You thought you'd have more time to find a solution, a couple of days at least, but now you couldn't leave this room without some semblance of a plan.

"Let's get married." You still sat with a blank stare at the computer, your mind running a million miles a minute. You slowy explained your thoughts as thoroughly as you could.

Spencer and you were known as each other work spouses, even fans making memes about it. The two of you have talked about the agreement in the podcast, on an episode of Board AF, and in an upcoming reddit video with Shayne.

The fans always reacted well when the two of you were together, engaging with the content. There's countless edits of the two of you, even with the small amounts of videos you've been in together.

You can blame it on the arrangement you'd made, pull lan and a few of the other higher ups aside, presenting the idea.

Spencer and you would get married; you could make the content last up until next April, as planning a fake wedding would take some time anyways. That would mean an announcement video, probably a celebratory video with others in cast, even the process of picking out different parts of the wedding for Pit videos if they really wanted to milk it. Maybe even a TNTL gauntlet with your bridesmaids and groomsmen.

The one thing you wanted to thank Spencer for was the convenience of sharing one braincell. You could release the wedding video, the big finale in which the joke is revealed to the audience, playing it up as a fake relationship until April 1st. Spencer had thought it was funny to put the wedding date on the invitations as April Fool's Day, but it worked perfectly.

You took a deep breath, nodding your head as your eyes darted around your friends, anxious for their thoughts.

Spencer quickly wrapped his arms around your shoulders, kissing your forehead before he grinned at you.

"You are a fucking genius, lan's gonna love this idea. We can say we were prepping for the video, getting our invitation letters together accidentally sent it out. We can use whatever stuff we get as presents for the bogus invites for another video, too." Spencer added, looking to his friends as he chewed on his lip.

"I hate how quickly the two of you worked this out. We weren't needed." Shayne laughed softly, shrugging his shoulders.

"So it's not a stupid plan?" You asked, quickly distracted as the office door opens, lan's head peaking inside.

You lock eyes, offering him an awkward smile. He entered, coughing softly as he stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"Hey, uhm, can I talk to you guys in a little bit? Probably like twenty minutes, in the conference room." lan spoke, a tight lipped smile on his face as he looked between you and the man seated beside you.

You felt a pit in your stomach growing rapidly as you swallowed, nodding your head. This was horrific, it felt like you had disappointed your dad but he wouldn't admit it yet.

And the conferernce room? There was no doubt in your mind that if this wasn't happening in lan's office then it would be bigger than you expected. Lisa would have to be there, maybe Daniel, if they were that concerned; Rachel would probably be forced into it, no matter how much she wouldn't want to be involved. n nodded before promptly exiting, barely acknowledging the cast members.

You groaned loudly as the door shut, Spencer copying you.

"This sucks and I hate you." You shoved at his shoulder, huffing.

He rubbed his arm, pouting a bit.

"It does and I hate me too." He chuckled as a smile appeared on your soft lips.

Spencer felt like the boundaries between the two of you were figured out very early on, never set prematurely, always discovered naturally. Kissing your cheek was okay, forehead was okay, drunkenly kissing your neck was okay sometimes. Hand holding was very normal and platonic and something you two did constantly. Cuddling and spending the night together was normal, but you two wouldn't sleep in the same bed.

He knew that, so far, this system had worked If that didn't happen soon, things might get nuddy, feelings getting involved. Spencer knew his feelings on you, he had since about two years into your friendship.

For six years now, he's known just how much he cares about you with every fiber of his being. He knows he really would do anything for you, anything to be with you. He respected every boundary you set.

Spencer had a thing for constantly taking advantage of the things he could have. You were always greeted with some sort of kiss, never once on the lips. Your fingers laced well with his, especially when you were on his left side. He constantly sat close beside you, tossing an arm around your shoulders, resting a hand on your knee, giving your thigh a gentle joy in excitement.

Spencer yearned for you for so long that he'd learned to accept it. He didn't want to cut you out of his life to get over his feelings, he cared too much about you, so his only option was to accept his feelings and keep close to you. You two were best friends, where one was, the other wasn't far behind. You loved him, so fucking much you loved him. He knew this, but he also knew that you didn't love him in the way he wanted you to.

Your group is quick to disband, giving the two of you some space before your meeting. Spencer let the two of you sit in silence before he decided to pack his bag for the day, despite it barely even starting. He could feel your eyes on him, his back to you.

"Packing because figure they're gonna send us home today, no matter what they decide. Give them time to think it all over." You smiled, enjoying just how well he knew you. His words settled in, prompting you to follow suit.

As you zipped your bag shut, it hit you that in just a few minutes before you were supposed to face the consequences of your best friends well intended actions. It was a toss up over which of you was more nervous, the both of you with pounding hearts.

"I love you, dude." You mumbled as you wrapped your arms around Spencer's waist, sighing softly.

"I love you, too, dude." He chuckled, rubbing your back as he kissed your forehead.

"C'mon, champ, let's go knock 'em dead." Spencer winked as he held the door open for you. You took a deep breath before leaving you little editing room bubble.

The room was much, much more packed than either of you had expected it to be. The people you expected to be there were indeed, but alongside them sat Kiana, Selina, and Lizzy.

Spencer thanked his lucky stars when neither Rhett nor Link joined the lot of you. He found himself sitting back a bit, allowing you to take the reigns of explaining your bullshit reasoning for the situation you'd found yourselves in.

Three hours, three scarily long hours later and you finally stood from your chair, your feet tingling and your head pounding. Spencer and you said your polite goodbyes to everyone before heading back toward your office.

"I think that was fine." You stated, arms crossed as you stare down the hall ahead.

He chuckled, nudging his shoulder into yours.

"That went really well, you heard Daniel. It's gotta go through if he liked it that much. It's gonna work out."

You nodded your head, a smile tugging on your lips as you both grabbed your bags.

"Wanna hangout or, uh, give me a ride home? Shayne drove me this morning." Spencer smiled heepishly as he followed you into the parking lot.

"If I'm your fiancee now, I think you should tell me if there's something going on between the two of you." You poked as you both got into your car.

You scooted your chair away from your desktop as you rubbed your eyes, now realizing just how long you'd been sat starting at your screen playing Minecraft with Spencer.

You smiled softly, feeling a tug at your heart at the sight before you. He sat slumped into your couch, eyes focused and brow furrowed as you cat napped on top of the cushion behind him.

Craig and Spencer had a love hate relationship, both of them usually eager for your attention at the same time, causing them to butt heads. Your cat and your best friend were both horribly stubborn.

But then there'd be moments like this, or when Craig curls up with Spencer on your couch, or when he follows Spence through your own house, even if you're still right where your kitty left you.

You stretch, taking off your headphones as you rise and stretch, catching Spence glancing over at you, smiling softly.

"Oh shit, you're still here?" You questioned as you walked past the couch, heading into your kitchen, yawning softly. You check your watch, catching it at just past five in the afternoon.

Spencer chuckled, watching as his eyes followed your every move as you danced around your small kitchen, seemingly opening every cabinet to find what you needed.

"Check your email, Charmander." You mindlessly called out to him, the nickname leaving him to roll his eyes as he dug into his pocket.

"You are the absolute worst with nicknames, need you to know that. Just call me Charles at this point." He laughed as you flipped him off as you turn, spoon in your mouth.

You join him on your couch with two peanut butter and banana sandwiches on one plate, sitting it on the space between you. Spencer nods a thanks to you as he grabbed his, taping your sandwiches together as a toast.

He loads into his email, refreshing it as you take your first bite. His wide eyes cause you a bit of stress, making you sit up straight.

"Good or bad?"

"Uh, good, I think. My schedule got changed." Spencer quickly switched over to his calendar, it had to be good; they don't just switch the schedule halfway through the month.

His eyes scanned over the new or changed parts, reading the first one he saw.

'Engagement Shoot' scheduled for tomorrow at 10AM.

"We did it, Joe." Spencer turns to you with a grin, quickly pulling you into a tight hug. You groaned and rolled your eyes, before quickly squealing as you wrapped your arms around him, bouncing in your seat.

They got what they wanted, right?

[toxictoad]

HADES 2 GODS RANKED BY HOW MUCH I WANT TO KISS THEM

(and also gameplay)

DISCLAIMER: I don’t think any of the gods are bad. I’m ranking them in comparison to each other. Even the worst boon in the game is still good, and obviously all the art is great.

Also I'm writing this in EA patch 4.

Aphrodite–

I mean she’s obviously hot– she’s THE goddess of beauty, but Hades 2 is an absolute improvement. This isn’t just Aphrodite, this is Aphrodite Areia. Kick ass, honey I love you so much. You don’t need clothes to fight a war. She’s so salty I want her to step on me.

Her boons are pretty good. Decent damage and her duo boons are nice. Heartthrobs are BROKEN and I do builds with them as often as I can. Meshes well with other gods. Love Handles is my favorite duo boon in the game.

Please kiss me 9/10 times Gameplay 10/10

Apollo–

He’s a pretty boy, but his prep vibes bring him down a bit. He’s funny though and I love all his interactions with other gods.

Good boons. I don’t usually take his core stuff unless I have the Sister Blades, but having a larger area of damage is nice. I like his sprint boon. Sunny Disposition is great if you’re doing a Heartthrob build. Generally he’s good but there are better core boons.

Please kiss me 5/10 times Gameplay 7/10

Artemis–

Goddess of lesbians. Not wlw but I believe in their beliefs you know. The bear pelt and all the antlers are SERVING. She’s like if one of those hunter dudes on tinder was actually hot. I love her but also I’m a man so I feel like she should be with someone else.

She’s not a core god so her boons are a little hard to judge. Critical damage is always nice, and running into her is always better for a run. All her offerings are good, although Pressure Points is better with the Sister Blades or the Witch’s Staff. I’m just gonna rank her compared to the other ‘lesser’ offerings in the game, not compared to the regular boons because she only appears once per run.

Please kiss me 7/10 times (But like platonically) Gameplay 10/10

Demeter–

Gilf. Don’t @ me you know it’s true. I’m a little disappointed that they made her look younger for Hades 2 but I guess it makes sense lore wise. Old lady in armor is peak art. I love her, I adore her, and her design is magnificent. Mwah.

Her boons are good. Freeze is a great effect especially for getting used to the game. Not as effective with the Umbral Flames or Sister blades, but they’re great with the Moonstone Axe and Witch’s Staff. Rare Crop is only good early and Plentiful Forage is objectively kinda bad but I take it every time.

Please kiss me 8/10 times Gameplay 8/10

Hephaestus–

Spoilers: He’s the hottest male Olympian. I LOVE him. Please hold me in your arms my stupid little bisexual heart needs to be cuddled by a sweaty blacksmith. HOW could Aphrodite cheat on this man? He's perfect. Also legit the funniest god.

His boons are a little hit or miss. When they’re common they aren’t great but they stack pretty well. His magic gain boon is probably the worst out of all of them, but Mint Condition and Uncanny Fortitude are hands down my favorite boons, and like I said: Love Handles is my absolute favorite duo boon.

Please kiss me 10/10 times Gameplay 7/10

Hera–

My QUEEN. I love her. Please leave your husband. I would treat you so much better. She’s elegant, she’s powerful, she’s HERA. Josette Eales voices her and does an IMMACULATE job. I want Hera to call me a good boy please please please.

Her boons are alright. Hitch is a good effect if you can apply it in a large area but it’s not great against Guardians. In the most recent patch they changed her cast and I think it’s a little worse. She has alright duo boons, and Queen’s Ransom is funny and also can be pretty op if you have Hera as some of your main boons.

Please kiss me 10/10 times Gameplay 7/10

Hermes–

ADHD TWINK. He’s my homeboy and I vibe with him hard. Longer hair suits him and I wanna take him on a date to an aquarium. So pretty. I hope he can see his husband Charon again soon.

Speed boons are always cool. Dodge chance is invaluable if you have shit reaction times like I do. Nimble Mind is his only boon I don’t like because it just doesn’t feel very effective. Nimble Limbs is awesome for the Moonstone Axe, and Quick Buck is one of my most chosen boons. Ultimately good but his boons can feel a little ineffective when they’re common.

Please kiss me 7/10 times Gameplay 9/10

Hestia–

Not a gilf but I do love her. She’s sassy and ruthless and I love her design so much. I want to sit in the thicc auntie’s lap please. Super hot punk old lady.

Scorch is a great effect. Her attack and special boons are awesone and her cast is good. Getting Flame Strike, Ice Flourish from Demeter, and then their Freezer Burn duo boon is how I beat Chronos the first time. The rest of her duos are fine but not amazing.

Please kiss me 8/10 times Gameplay 9/10

Poseidon–

He’s definitely hotter than in the first game, just not my type. He’s very funny in an annoying kind of way (Side note: I REALLY want him and Odysseus to learn about each other. Their beef would be SO funny)

His core boons feel less powerful than in the first game. Double Up and Hydraulic Might are the only boons of his I take consistently. Damage isn’t terrible but not the best. His duo boons are generally pretty good though. Island Getaway is nice when you can get it.

Please kiss me 3/10 times Gameplay 5/10

Selene–

Ethereal moon mommy. I love her. Would probably be terrifying to approach in any capacity but she’s just SO pretty.

It’s a little weird to rank her since hexes are the replacement for Olympian aid in the first game, but generally they’re all pretty good. Wolf Howl is my favorite. I never take Twilight Curse or Dark Side, but that might just be because I don’t understand them.

Please kiss me 8/10 times Gameplay 7/10

Zeus–

No.

His boons also seem a little weaker than the first game, but chain lightning is a fun effect when you get it pumped up a bit. Blitz is a kinda weak effect but if you can get Toasting Fork on them they’re good. His legendary boon and duo boons are both a little meh.

Please kiss me -100/10 times. Leave me alone. Gameplay 4/10

This was fun. I'm probably gonna do this again with other characters lol.

[porkcutletbowl44]

Im obsessed with this book of yours, also Simon reminded me so much about my ex bf and reader so much about me, that I am like “yes, suffer, like a dog” and then “Keegan my loveeee, mi amoooor, show me how the grass is actually greener on the other side and make Simon want to dig a hole, crawl on it and dieeee”

Also… would love to see future Mrs. Riley 0.2 jealous of me and Keegan and how in her eyes he is “better than Simon” and can’t stand me been better than her… again, your for calling me fat at the fucking store

See, the beauty of Colleen being a grade A cunt is that she lovvveeesssss to take everyones most prized things. And now that she has readers ex-husband a.k.a, father of her child, Colleen has that in the end of a stick to wiggle in her face like the true bitch she is.

Although....Colleen won't be so happy to see reader not being miserable for once 👀

(I'm also living for the Colleen hate, the funny comments make me laugh and I also want to strangle her💀)

I'm glad you are enjoying the book! All the support makes me kick my feet and squeal like the younger days💜 mwah! I love all you guys 🥹