#my house wasnt too far i guess. but it was dark and id never walked that way before.

[basilpaste]

literally going to chuck myself into the sea if i cant start being fuckinh. typical.

[foxoftheninetails]

Continuing to use this as a venting blog. Same rules apply: you dont have to feel obligated to interact with me. We've all got our own shit going on.

The truth is, I've never felt like I belonged. Anywhere. And I know there are so many people who feel the same way, I'm not trying to diminish them.

I didnt feel like I belonged to my family. Maybe it was the autism. Id say something, and everyone in the room would look at me weird. I didnt understand limits, and would take jokes too far.

School wasnt any better. The person I considered my best friend didnt even consider me his best friend. I'd walk the hallways and say hi and talk to people, but unless I get daily affirmations, I feel like I'm just annoying everyone around me.

Half the time anymore, I feel like I piss off and annoy my own wife.

My childhood home was torn down a few years ago. I didnt think it bothered me. It was just one more building. It was always too hot in the summer, way too cold in the winter. We had fleas, termites, and huge wolf spiders.

Then I had the bright idea of rebuilding that house in Minecraft. Seems stupid, but once it was done and I could actually walk through the front door into the living room, go into my old bedroom, sneak through the laundry room, it was miserable. I hated that I would never set foot in that house again.

I had an interaction with someone yesterday. Ive always felt very close to her, because we study the same thing. Shes on her way to a PhD and I never even made it out of community college, but it was like finding a candle in the dark: just obe other person I thought I could talk to because we had similar interests. Shes going through a very rough time, and has been for over a year. I said something not particularly helpful, but in an attempt to reach out and let her know someone was paying attention. She told me I didnt need to comment on every thing she says. I was genuinely taken aback. Shes never been particularly warm towards me, and she is going through a lot. But it hurt anyway, because I tend to comment on everyones post.

I cant shut up. I'm so genuinely excited to have people to talk to after almost 10 years with no friends that I make an ass out of myself because I'm just trying to reach out.

She was right, I didnt need to say anything. And I guess I did what i always do: make something small into something much more than it is. I thought I had made a friend, when I damn well knew that wasnt the case.

I have no home to go back to, I never feel secure around my friends. I'm kind of fucking pitiful. And I will always hesitate to reach out to my friends for reassurance or validation. Everyone has their own shit, and its not fair to ask them to take care of me. So I cant even lean on people without feeling like a shitty person.

This may or may not be cathartic. To finally just belt out everything, regardless of what it might look like. I cant do this on Twitter, because then people will want to make a big deal out of it. There are too many people there. Maybe some completely random person, bored out their mind and just doomscrolling will read this. Hello! It brings me some comfort to know that that might happen.

Not a whole hell of a lot does these days, it seems like every time I turn around I'm have an anxiety attack.

[brelione]

4 times the pogues interupt you and JJ+ the 1 time you get to be alone.

Request:Hi!! Could I please request a fic with JJ? I was thinking “4 times the pogues interupt JJ and y/n’s alone time. And the 1 time they get to be alone. Maybe some smut if you are comfortable with that❤️ I hope this request make sense haha❤️❤️

Warnings:Smut,not proof read.

It had taken JJ a year and two months to finally get you to like him.Flirting with you at parties, making sure not to look in the direction of any other girl and stealing you candy bars.

You began to see him everywhere, at the beach where you went to collect seashells,sometimes coming up next to you and asking if he could help you collect them.He would show up at the coffee shop you worked at, a big grin on his face when you’d roll your eyes.

That eye roll eventually turned into an equally as happy grin, preparing his iced coffee for him before he even ordered it.You were a kook which meant he had to work extra hard.You werent one of the rude, stuck up kooks that were disgusted by pogues.

That was what originally made him so attracted to you.It wasnt until six months of not hooking up with any tourons, only talking about you that the pogues realized how serious he was and decided to help him out on his mission to get you to like him.

They didnt exactly like you,mainly because you were a kook but at the end of the day they really just wanted to see him happy.If another boy was flirting with you John.B would come up and start talking to the boy,most likely knowing him.JJ would then swoop in,offering you a gummy worm and asking how you were.

And now that he had finally got you he wanted to enjoy every moment he had with you.It took three months of the two of you dating for The Pogues to finally like you.It wasnt you yourself that Kiara didnt like, it was the fact that she had walked in on you and JJ.

JJ had you under him, your hands pinned over your head, his lips moving against yours as he grinded against you,trying his best not to start moaning.He chuckled at your quiet moans, kissing your forehead lightly before moving down to your neck, nipping at the sensitive skin and sucking at the flesh.

 “I love you.”He muttered,unbuttoning your cropped,flowy white shirt.You bit your lip as he began to leave kisses down your chest,holding your wrists down with one hand,using the other to unclip your bra and pulling it off of you completely,leaning back to admire you.

 “You’re so pretty, how did I get you?”He asked softly, still not understand.You grinned,slowly pulling your wrists from his grip.He let you, not forcing them to stay there.You leaned up,kissing him. “Because you’re fucking fantastic, even if you are a whore.”You giggled,kissing the tip of his nose.He squinted,pushing you back down.

 “Oh, youre gonna pay for that.”He smirked,licking a stripe down your chest,approaching your underwear. “JJ...please.”You pouted, watching as a smile tugged at his lip. “Its cute when you beg.”He licked his bottom lip,the skin staying between his teeth as he quickly looked you up and down,pulling off his shirt so you two were equal.

He sighed,about to tug on your underwear when Kiara opened the door,freezing when she realised what was going on.JJ threw a blanket over you, shouting for his friend to get out.Kiara closed the door,hand over her mouth. “What?”Pope asked, confused.They had just told her to go see if the two of you wanted to join them when they went surfing, not understand why Kie was so embarrassed. 

“I just saw shit that I never thought id see.”She whispered in disgust.JJ pulled the blanket off of you, laughing. “Oh my god.”You covered your face with your hands, feeling like you were about to cry. “I guess we should see what they want.”He frowned,getting his shirt back on,handing you your bra and shirt. “We’ll finish this later.”He winked at you,stepping out of the room.

Kiara never shut up about that,always finding ways to bring it up. “You guys are so gross.”She laughed, sipping her beer.JJ shrugged, not really caring as he threw his arm over your shoulders, pulling you close to him. “Shut up….”You grumbled,leaning into JJ’s touch. “You guys were going to do it while we were here!That’s so much worse!”She laughed, almost dropping her beer.

You looked down at your boyfriend,able to feel his boner even through yours and his pants, a grin on your face. “You’re so hard.”You leaned down to kiss him,squeezing his jaw. “Of course, pretty girl.You always make me hard.”He replied,his hands wresting on your hips. 

“Do I?”You questioned him,kissing his neck.He nodded,his hands slipping under your shirt and onto your waist,holding you against him.He closed his eyes so he could enjoy the feeling of you against him,your warm hands tugging at the hem of his shirt,pulling it off of him.

You gulped,staring down at his abs.You had seen him in swimsuits and his boxers but looking at him always amazed you.He was built like a renaissance statue or perhaps even a greek god.You pulled off your own shirt,watching his eyes widen and jaw drop.

Your body always amazed him despite seeing it dozens of times.He kissed your collarbones,moving down to your cleavage to leave kisses and hickeys,a smile on his face as he bit at your skin lightly. “You think they’ll hear us?”You asked,suddenly being pushed into the mattress,JJ now on top of you.

He shrugged,kissing you gently. “Just be quiet.”He told you,kissing you rougher this time away,biting at your bottom lip,slipping his tongue in your mouth,tugging lightly at your hair.“God,youre so fucking hot.”He whispered,tugging down your underwear,kneeling at the end of the mattress,beginning the teasing.

Licking a stripe through your fold,moaning when he tasted you.He let you place your hands in his hair,helping him set a good pace,trying to hold back your moans. “So pretty…”he whispered,watching your reaction as he pumped his fingers in and out of you.

You could feel the cold metal of his rings inside of you,the sensation odd but good. “JJ.”You whispered,needing more than just his fingers.He grinned at your eagerness,unzipping his pants.

Everything was fine until Pope burst in the room,screaming in horror before slamming the door,making loud gagging sounds. “Are you serious?”JJ yelled,huffing.You groaned,tired of this happening,hiding yourself under the blankets,allowing Pope to ask the question that he had come to ask in the first place.

 “Um...do you guys want to split a pizza with us?”He asked,embarrassed. “Really?That was the question that was so important?”JJ asked,becoming annoyed with every second that passed.Pope assumed that you guys wanted to split the pizza,closing the door again. 

“Maybe you should just come over my house.”You muttered,running your fingers through his hair.He chuckled,looking up at you. “yeah?You might love me but your rich ass parents dont,didnt they try to set you up with Topper?”He asked,remembering you complaining about it a couple months back.

You sighed, knowing that he was right.You knew that your parents would be gone for the weekend next week,a small grin on your face. “I mean...they’re going to the mainland next weekend.You should come over.”You suggested,watching a smile come across his face. “Next weekend you’re going to have the best night of your life.”He promised,excited.

Later that night after eating some pizza with the pogues you decided to tease JJ a bit.They decided that they wanted to get icecream,the five of you loading into the van to go to the icecream shop.You obviously sat on JJ’s lap as usual,his head on your shoulder,his hand creeping onto your thigh,squeezing lightly.

 “When we get back…”He whispered into your ear,smiling when John.B parked in the icecream shops parking lot,all of you getting out and ordering your icecream.JJ got his usual,a pineapple orange sundae with rainbow sprinkles and whipped cream while you decided on the green tea honey comb cream.

JJ was appalled by it,not understanding why you enjoyed it so much.He felt your hand on his thigh as you talked to Kiara,the two of you talking about the horrors of climate change.He didnt think anything of it at first utnil you began to palm him through his pants,unbuttoning them before pulling down the zipper.

As much as he hated the power you had over him he didnt want you to stop, wanting to see how far you’d go.He watched you eat your icecream,licking some of the melted dessert off the side of it.He shifted, gulping.You probably werent even trying,the thoughts mixed with your hand becoming too much for him when you suddenly pulled away,his eyes widening.

When you guys got back to John.B’s it was pretty dark,Kie,Pope and John.B deciding to have a fire while you and JJ decided to go to bed.He pressed you up against the door,glaring at you. “Why would you tease me?Did you want me to fall apart in front of them?”He asked,clearly upset by your actions.

You grinned,his hands on your shoulders and pushing you to the floor,on your knees. “Please be good to me,princess.”He requested,unbuttoning his pants,letting you tug them down along with his boxers,taking him in your mouth. “shit…”He whimpered,his hands going to the back of your head,his cock shoved half way down your throat,moans coming out of his mouth against his own will,eyes clenched shut as he fucked your mouth.

 “Fuck,you feel so good.”He praised you,trying not to be too rough on you,feeling you gag on his length,tears pricking at your eyes.He loosened his grip,worried that he would accidentally hurt you. “Good girl.”He whispered,his liquids spilling down your throat.

You swallowed it,pulling off of him,taking in deep breaths that you had been deprived of.He pushed you back onto the bed,pulling your shorts off of you,peeling off your panties,about to push into you when there was a knock on the door.His jaw clenched,staring down at you. “Fuck dammit.”He got off of you,getting his boxers on quickly.

 “What?”He called out,watching you hide your lower half under the blanket,scrolling through your phone casually. “Uh….do you wanna come to the fire with us?”He asked you guys, looking between the two of you.JJ shrugged,pulling on a pair of pajama pants,telling POpe you two would be out in a moment,handing you your underwear and shorts. “Cockblocks.”He muttered.

He was becom ing excited for the weekend that your parents would be gone,thinking of all the things he could do to you in one night.You two had never gone past blowjobs,fingering and hit eating you out no matter how often you tried.

He had never even been inside your bedroom before,nervous for a new location.He wasnt sure how often you had had sex or how much dick you could take,sure that it was fine and he’d figure it out that weekend.The morning after the fire he had turned on his side,wrapping an arm around your waist,placing sloppy,wet kisses along your neck,earning a giggle from you. 

“I love you.”He smiled,kissing your cheek.He groaned when John.B knocked on the door,telling you guys it was time to get up and get ready to go on the boat.JJ grinned,remembering what day at was,knowing he’d be able to take his time with you tonight.

The day took forever to pass,both of you becoming more and mor excited as the hours passed,finally getting to the dock that was attached to your backyard. “See you guys on Sunday.”JJ grinned,taking your hand and getting on the dock,seeing the confused looks on his friends faces.

They chose to ignore it,waving by to you guys and going off,creating ripples behind them.You and JJ were giggling quietly,finally getting inside your empty house,seeing three hundred dollars on the kitchen counter for dinner.

He licked his lips,glancing around the large room,seeing two staircases that lead to the same doors.You held his hand,leading him up the stairs,through the first set of doors,down one of three halls to your large bedroom.

The walls were white but covered with posters,photos and canvases,your bed was queen sized and made not too long ago from the looks of it.He saw your desk and your large tv on the wall,your closet and your little tray of plants. “What?”You asked,beginning to take off your shirt only for him to stop you,taking it off himself instead. 

“Nothing.”He answered,kissing you gently.He backed you up,pinning you to your bed,knowing that you probably wouldnt be up for a good couple of hours.He placed delicate kisses down your neck,pausing to pull off his own shirt.

He went slow,glad he could finally take time to enjoy the experience,knowing the pogues wouldnt walk in this time. “How far have you gone?”He asked,realizing he had never asked before. “Ive done it once or twice...never good though.”You admitted.

He grinned,unbuttoning your pants. “I’ll be good.”He started by sucking on you clit,hearing your moans.He was determined to make you finish at least once tonight,pushing his fingers inside of you,moving them quick.

Your moans were loud,not holding back now that the two of you were completely alone.He grinned,continuing to suck on you,curling his finger inside of you before adding another,commenting on how absolutely soaked you were. 

“Good girl.”He whispered,feeling you clench around his fingers,your fluids leaking out all over his fingers,a satisfied smile at his face now that he accomplished his goal,setting a new one for himself,licking his fingers clean.

 “JJ-please,I cant wait any longer.Please,just fuck me.”You whimpered desperately,feeding his confidence.He was quick to pull down his pants and boxers,just as desperate as you were. “Are you ready?”He asked,his elbows on either side of your head,lining himself up with your entrance.You nodded,trying not to look down,knowing you’d moan at the sight.

He kissed your forehead,pushing into you and reaching spots that had never been touched before.Your nails dug into his back,scratching angry red lines. “You okay?”He asked,realizing how deep your scratches went.

You nodded,urging him to keep going.He pulled out half way before plunging back into you,fingertips pushing into your hips,probably going to leave bruises the next day.You moaned with every thrust,his thumb rolling over your clit,making figure eights,biting his lip at the sounds of your loud moans,trying not to cum before you.

 “Gonna cum for me?”He asked,pouting when you shook your head. “Cant.”You answered,not quite there yet but you could feel yourself getting close.He chuckled,speeding up,grabbing the head board,his knuckles turning white by how hard he was gripping it,feeling you clench around him,moaning at the feeling. 

“You’re so good.”He praised you,continuing his thrusts but you werent complaining,still wanting more. He came inside of you,the wetness of both your fluids only making him go faster,grunting as he tried his best to hit your g spot every time,obsessed with the way you felt. “So tight….I wish I had come over sooner.”He kissed you again,gentle and soft unlike his thrusts.

 “I love you.”You bit down on his collarbone,making him smile. “Love you too.”He replied,thrusting into you one more time before you came undone for the third time that night,him following close behind you. “Round two later?”He asked,laying down next to you.

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[annamusewrites]

Family isnt all about blood.

She finally was happy and felt safe, she shouldve known you cant stop running from your past and not have it catch up on you, but she doesnt want to lose her brother or her loved even if it meant she suffered.....she really shouldve expected this after all, she was a Taylor and no one walks away from that family.

It didnt really bother her that her brother never settled down with a partner, he had his reasons and trust issues that Ana knew, as long as he was safe, that's all that would matter for now. Granted, she would love for him to find someone but she wasnt going to force that on him either. They were both there for one another and he had accepted Ransom as well. Truthfully, she couldnt be happier and maybe that was the problem. Her happiness had blinded her to what was to come.

"Dads in town" those words made her drop her fork and look wide eyed at her brother but then she picked up her fork "guess he found out about my new job" her tone was flat, their Dad could go to Hell for all she cared right now. He abandoned them so he didnt exist and she wasnt going to let him play the Daddy role just because he found out his so called daughter now had money.

She felt Marty's eyes on her but she carried on with her meal "if he calls you, dont answer" she looked at him "I'm not that stupid" "i wasnt saying you were, I'm just....protective" his words made her smile, she had two protective men in her life, her brother and the love of her life and she loved them both for it "I know" she reached out for his arm "but that man isnt going to walk into our lives again after everything. He had his chances"

No more was said about that man for a couple of days, she got several missed calls from an unknown number and after checking it wasn't anything to do with her work, Ransom or his family, she blocked and ignored any more. She shouldve known ignoring him wouldnt make him go away.

"I'll be over later, just need a shower....an actual shower " she smirked into the phone "give me half an hour and I'll be there. I love you" she hing up the phone to Ransom as she walked into her house. A shower and a change of clothes was a must, she wanted to get rid of work more than anything right now.

Closing the door, she gasped as a hand went across her mouth and dragged her back, her heels falling off her feet as she tried to stay upright. She felt the coldness of the gun resting on her temple, god she wished she hadnt known that feeling and she tried not to panic but then she saw her brother on his knees, all bloodied up from what looked like beatings.

Was this to do with sleeping with the wrong gal? It couldnt of been, Ransom had made sure he knew to only go after single women and Marty wasnt that stupid anymore. She swallowed against the hand as she tried to take in the dark setting, any detail to use against the people not allowed here. Her eyes begging for any sign that he was alright.

"You always were an ignorant brat" that voice made her blood run cold, how did he find her? As if to confirm who he was a tall man now came into view, taking her in and she knew it was the bastard father that abandoned them for money. The hand slid from her mouth and she spat at her father making him slap her hard and grab her throat. She heard Marty try and struggle to help her but then her father laughed "I see you've finally got your mothers fiesty side in you. Shame it didnt help her or you now"

Before she knew it she was tossed onto the floor, her head hitting the corner of the coffee table making her groan out. "Rich little Princess doesnt share with her family" Ana looked up at him "you're not my family, you walked out on us"

Her father grabbed her by the hair, pulling it with no remorse as he made her kneel infront of her brother "no I kicked your good for nothing brother out, you just followed like a weak little puppy" she chewed her inner cheek refusing to whimper at the pain he was causing her by pulling her hair. She looked at her brother, tears stinging her eye with the pain "you're not even half the man Marty is" again that earned her a toss to the ground and a kick to her back.

Biting back the groan, she exhaled harshly as she heard her brother beg for him to stop hurting her and turn back to him "no" she went to push up on her arms only for them to wobble but she didnt care "let him be the monster he always was"

This time when she was dragged by up to her feet she could feel the metallic taste of blood in her mouth, but as she was pinned back to the wall, she felt the suffocating pressure of a hand tightly over her mouth and nose as she grabbed his arm and dug her nails in his arm as he watched her try not to fight for breath.

"Be a good girl and I'll let you breath" there was only one perfect to ever call her that and it certainly wasnt him. It made her feel sick hearing it from those lips. She felt his other hand grip her throat as tears streamed down her cheeks, her lungs begging for breath but she wasnt gling to fight for it either. Half an hour, she just had to last half an hour and then Ransom would call her and wouldnt get any answer and knew something was wrong but then he would walk straight into this and she couldnt bare the thought of him getting hurt. What was she going to do?

Finally he was allowed to breathe as she fell to her knees gasping her breath. Maybe he saw her not struggling as compliance, right now she could care less. Blinking she tried to focus clearly then she heard her brother scream. Looking up she noticed the knife wound "no" "no" she was grabbed again and pinned to someones body as she growled out but she couldnt move.

"I'm going to fucking kill you" her brother growled out and Ana didnt have any complaints there. She hears her cell ring, fuck, it couldnt of been half an hour already. Her father got her phone and showed her the caller ID, Linda was calling her and as her father tossed her phone out into the hallway, she felt a dreaded feeling that having not been able to reach Ana, Linda would phone Ransom. She was in two minds if that was a good idea or not.

"Havent changed at all, still the low life whore than ever, Martin" her father sounded displeased but when was he happy "your sister achieves alot more than you but still needs teaching on how to act properly. What? You both thought I'd let you walk away, embarrass me and I'd never punish you both for it? Thanks to Ana taking on that job and a very helpful assistant I found exactly where you loved"

Her mind whizzed trying to think who wouldve given out her address, she was going to fire that person....if they ever got out "What do you want?" Her words seemed to echo around the room making all eyes appear on her "what inwant is respect and I'm going to get it from you both one way or another. You're both coming back home, whether it's in a body bag or three back of the car is up to you"

"Go to hell" both her brother and her seemed to say at the same time, she kicked back making the man holding her back off and groan "fucking bitch" he grabbed her by the hair "going to teach you a fucking lesson" he dragged her by her hair up the stairs, each step hitting her body like a punch as she tried to struggle and groaned out. Hearing her brother try and get free and call for her made her suddenly want to panic but she wasnt going to show the bastard dragging her she was now scared.

She heard commotion downstairs and her cell phone ringing, now she did want Ransom to come in and somehow not get hurt. Being rescued wasnt such a bad idea. She whimpered as she was thrown onto her bed, trying to get her mind focused on anything but the pain. As her legs were dragged she reached out ontop of the bedside table remembering she had opened a letter with her mothers old fashioned letter opener and managed to grab it. "Going to make you behave bitch" she rose her hand and plunged the letter opener into the side of her neck "go fuck yourself" blood splattered from his neck as she turned her head away and managed to crawl under and away from him as she panted sat on the floor out of his reach as she watched the man who worked for her father bleed to death. She didnt dare think what he was going to do to her as she desperately tried to control her breathing.

Her phone rang again and maybe she shouldve tried to make a run for it. Maybe by some miracle whoever was ringing, more likely ransom, would hear the struggle as she was captured again but she also knew that would cost her brothers life and she couldnt lose him. Swallowing, she blinked , she had killed a man, but it was in self defence but that thought tried to over take her.

Her hands was shaking, as far as she knew there was this dead guy and her father left. Crawling slowly to the body she yanked the letter opener off his neck, trying not to get too much blood on her. She gripped the letter opener tightly and looked under her bed. Didnt Ransom leave a cell under here and said he would collect it later? God she hoped he hadnt collected it already. She smiled as she felt the cell in her hand as she looked through the contact until she reached Ransoms main cell number, but as she dialed his number, she screamed as she was yanked back. She hadnt seen the other man in the room downstairs, another person with her father. She threw the vocal under the bed enough not to be seen as she kept screaming in hopes if Ransom picked up he could tell she was in danger.but not enough that the man grabbed her would know she had another cell.

Against the stairs left their marks and neither touch of the other man was gentle. She was covered in blood and likely to have bruises now too "the fucking bitch killed Roma" he threw her onto the other chair and tied her up.and gagged her. She struggled under the harsh slap of her father stung her face so much she felt like he had taken her skin off, even if it was impossible. She had to save her brother as he was bleeding, god knows to death but now tied down she was trying to think how. "Guess we're going to play this the hard way then. Bring it in" Ana swallowed, it could be anything knowing him and she couldnt quite see what it was as inwas dragged behind her.

"Marty all will.be forgiven, are you going to come.back.home?" Marty knew what that really meant for them both "fuck you" he moaned through his pain and before Ana could realise what was happening her chair was thrown back into.something ice cold. She realised it was a large tub of ice cold.water behind her as she struggled to not breathe in. There was noise.coming from above the surface but she couldnt make it out as her lungs fought for air then she was sat back up coughing for breath.

"Ana come home" Ana looked through her wet eyes "I'd rather die" again she was fallen back into the ice water. A father who tortured his children was no father at all but what was new for her? She gasped for air as she was pulled back up hearing her brother begging for her tonbe let go and he'll go back if she wasnt hurt anymore. They had broken her brother and she couldnt blame him really "no...no. I wont let you go back there" her throat was grabbed, she needed more air and then she heard someokenwalk up her steps "go check it out"

The other man left as her father looked back at her "if youd rather die then so be it" he whispered against her ear "you're not worth the rescue" with that he pushed her chair back into the water and let go, raising the gun he pressed it against her brother forehead.....

@flamingshieldwrites

[flickerofcalum]

once bitten, twice shy | part two

part 1 // shoot me a message if you wanna be added to a taglist!

The worst part of it all was, despite the changes, Luke could still see all the parts of Brinley that he’d fallen in love with. The parts of her he was still in love with, if he was being honest with himself. He was more fucked than he’d previously realized.

“It was the craziest thing, bro. One minute she was throwing a drink in my face and the next thing I know, she’s got her hand down my pants and her tongue down my throat. I mean, I’m not complaining, but it was confusing as hell.”

Luke rolled his eyes from where he sat on Michael’s couch, listening to him recount the previous evening’s events to Ashton and Calum, Michael hadn’t stopped talking about hooking up with Olivia since they stumbled into his parents’ home early that morning, but thankfully, he’d mostly been too distracted to really pay close attention to his friend anyway. He was unable to stop thinking about his run-in with Brinley the night before.

When he’d decided to come home for Christmas, he’d prepared himself for the worst. He’d known immediately that she wouldn’t want to seem him and honestly, he couldn’t blame her. The two of them had been together for such a long time, had their whole lives planned out with each other, and Luke had selfishly flipped the script on her at the very last minute. He hated himself for it every day.

And god, he had missed her the entire time he’d been gone, but it felt even worse now that he’d laid eyes on her. Brinley had changed so much in their time apart – she was even more gorgeous, which he really hadn’t ever thought would be possible. Though it may have been a little creepy, he’d spent half the night watching her from across the room. He couldn’t stop picturing her long legs in the red dress, the cute way her lips curved up into a smile whenever she’d teased Calum, the delicate blush on her pale cheeks whenever someone gave her a compliment.

The worst part of it all was, despite the changes, Luke could still see all the parts of Brinley that he’d fallen in love with. The parts of her he was still in love with, if he was being honest with himself. He was more fucked than he’d previously realized.

“Earth to Luke,” Ashton’s fingers snapped in front of his face, breaking him out of his thoughts. ���Are you alive in there?”

Luke blinked a few times. “Sorry. I was just…thinking.”

“About Brinley?” Calum questioned bluntly, raising a dark eyebrow at him. Luke had never really been comfortable discussing Brinley with Calum, and since their break up, he’d tried to avoid the topic all together. While the dark-haired man was one of his best friends, he knew that Calum’s history with his ex went back further than Luke’s history with either of them.

Luke chewed on his bottom lip, scratching his fingers along his stubbled jaw nervously. “I just didn’t think that seeing her again was gonna be so hard, you know?” He sighed a bit. “And she wouldn’t even look at me.”

“Well, you did abandon her right before the two of you were supposed to go off to college together, mate. Can you really blame her?” Michael pointed out, barely looking up from his phone. Luke shot him a glare. He didn’t really need a reminder of what he’d done to Brinley. It was already on his mind more than he would ever admit out loud.

Ashton reached over to pinch Michael’s thigh, eliciting a shriek from red-haired boy. “Not helping, Mike.” He looked back at Luke, his eyes soft and pitying. “She probably just needs some time.”

Luke shrugged sadly. At the party, Brinley hadn’t been able to get away from him fast enough – the chances of her changing her mind about wanting to speak to him were probably slim. He wasn’t stupid enough to think that Brinley was still in love with him. Not only was she beautiful, but she also was incredibly smart, talented, funny, and had the kindest soul out of anyone Luke had ever met. If they hadn’t already, it was only a matter of time before someone else came into her life and swept her off her feet, treated her the way she deserved to be treated. Luke was afraid that he was too late.

“She looked good, though, right? Like…she looks like she’s happy,” Luke said finally. Even if she was never his again, that was all he wanted for her.

He watched as Calum shared a look with Ashton he couldn’t quite read before he reached over to pat Luke’s thigh. “Yeah, man. She’s happy.”

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

The cold air stung his skin as he walked outside, causing him to curse under his breath. When he’d promised his mother he’d come home for the holidays, he’d forgotten how goddamn cold it got there. He didn’t have a lot of warm clothes since he lived in Los Angeles, so he wrapped himself up in one of Jack’s old winter coats. There was a gap between the sleeve and the gloves he was wearing, but it was better than nothing.

Normally, Luke avoided going outside at all costs in the winter, but after being locked up in his childhood bedroom for nearly a week, his mother forced him out of the house with a grocery list. Worst of all, he was without a car, so he had no choice but to make the small trek to the store on foot. It was only about a ten-minute walk, but the frigid weather made it feel like hours.

His cheeks and the tips of his ears were red by the time he arrived at the store. The heat was blasting, something he was grateful for when he walked inside. He grabbed a cart and furrowed his brows as he looked at his mother’s list. It occurred to him that he hadn’t been grocery shopping since he moved to Los Angeles. Most of the time, Ashton took care of that sort of thing or they ate take out. “Milk, egg whites, cereal…” he mumbled to himself underneath his breath as he wandered down the aisles, putting the items in the cart. He was pretty sure he had grabbed the wrong brand of cereal, but it was his mother’s own fault for sending him here.

He stood in front of the milk, thoughtfully looking between all the different types. His mother had been on a health kick lately, so would she want almond milk instead? Was he supposed to buy the store’s off brand version since it was cheaper? Luke had been standing there for far too long whenever he heard his name called out by a sweet little voice.

Brinley turned the corner, an exasperated look on her face as she tried to stop her little sister who was barreling towards Luke. He took in a sharp breath as he saw her. She was only in a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt, her hair thrown messily on top of her head, but she still looked as beautiful as ever to him. “Mallory, no running! You’re going to hurt yourself.”

The man grinned as he bent down to Mallory’s level, catching her when she launched herself into his arms. Luke had always had a soft spot for the younger girl, partly because she was the spitting image of her sister. He was a little amazed at how much she’d grown since he’d last seen her, a heavier weight against him than he was used to.

“There is no way you’re Mallory,” He said teasingly. “You are far too big to Mallory.”

Mallory rolled her eyes, propping a hand on her hip as she looked at him. “That’s ‘cause I grew up, dummy.”

“Mallory, be polite,” Brinley chastised. She locked eyes with Luke for a moment before she looked away with flushed cheeks.

Luke turned his attention back to the younger girl. “My apologies, Ms. All Grown Up. Who said you could grow up while I was gone, hm?”

His smile only grew as the little girl giggled, revealing her missing tooth. “I can’t help it!” She insisted, gripping Luke’s hand once he stood up.

Looking at Brinley again, he dared to speak. “It’s good to see you. It’s a shame we didn’t get to talk at the party.”

Brinley tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, looking up at him through her long eyelashes. “Oh, well… you know, Olivia kind of loses her mind when Michael’s around. I had to make sure she didn’t do anything stupid.”

“Right,” Luke said with a nod, looking back down as Mallory started tugging on his sleeve.

“Luke, Luke! I’m in a Christmas play at my school. I play an angel!” She said excitedly.

Luke grinned. “An angel, huh? How fitting,” he teased, smoothing down her hair.

Mallory rose up on her tiptoes to speak to him. “Will you come see it?”

Brinley coughed. “Mal, I’m sure Luke is really busy…”

Although he knew Brinley didn’t really want him around, he hated the idea of disappointing Mallory by saying no. “I’m actually really not that busy,” he blurted out, chewing on his lip again. “I’d love to come, Mallory. If it’s okay with your sister.”

He felt only slightly guilty as Mallory turned towards her older sister with big eyes, a small pout forming on her lips. “Can he come? Pleaseeee?”

The older girl let out a sigh, giving Luke an exasperated look. “I guess so. Can you let me talk to Luke alone for a second?”

Mallory’s smile was wide as she hugged Luke around his legs for a moment. “Bye Lukey!”

“Bye, petal,” Luke said fondly.

He bit his lip as Mallory ran back over to their nearby cart, pulling the doll she’d left inside out. He’d gotten enough lectures from Brinley to know when she was about to chastise him about something, so he prepared himself as he looked at her. “Brin, look…”

“Don’t call me that,” Brinley snapped, holding one finger up to cut his sentence off.  Her gaze felt like it was piercing right through him and he had never felt quite so vulnerable in his life. “I know we’re going to be seeing each other a lot over the next few weeks, but I want to make it clear that I’m not interested in reconciling with you. You can come to her play, and we can be civil when we’re with our friends, but I don’t want anything to do with you other than that?”

At her words, Luke felt his heart jump into his throat. While he didn’t necessarily expect her to jump back into his arms, he at least thought she’d be willing to talk things out. “Can’t you just give me a chance to explain?” He said, a bit more pleadingly than he would’ve liked. “There’s so many things I have to say to you if you’d just give me five minutes.”

Brinley let out a humorless laugh. “If you wanted to explain yourself that bad, you would’ve done it by now. You can’t just show up here after all of this time and expect me to just bend to your will and listen to you.” She insisted. “I just… I just want to forget everything that happened between us. I’m done, I’ve moved on. And I suggest you do the same.”

Luke gaped after her as she stalked back over to Mallory. He’d been on the receiving end Brinley’s anger before, but he had never experienced her being so outwardly harsh. He felt like there was a gaping hole in his chest as he watched her walk away.

As he finished up the rest of his shopping, he felt numb, like he was on autopilot. The wind blew the cold air harshly around him as he walked, but it barely affected him. He’d always known that he’d fucked things up with Brinley, but it was starting to hit him that things between them were messed up beyond repair. The girl he loved wanted nothing to do with him anymore, and it hurt.

So, when Luke got home, he quickly put away the groceries before retiring to his room to deal with his feelings the only way he knew how. He locked his door, grabbed a notebook, and started writing.

[reignsrkive]

Part 17; “Let’s play 20 questions”

Silience. {Park Jimin x Mia Thomas (presented as Mia but can also be y/n)-BTS Social Media AU}

You watched, fidgeting with your thumbs and biting your lips nervously as Jimin informed Yoongi and Taehyung that he was going to walk you to work. You were more than afraid that Tae would get mad at you for this impulsive decision when two days ago you literally asked him to not talk to you when you come back. Yet here you are deciding to hang out with the one person you didn’t know yourself you would let get so close.

You expected for Tae to throw you a disapproving look or even cuss you out, but all he did was nod and sigh at Jimin. Yoongi, on the other hand, looked at you and raised a brow, as a wide smirk spread across his lips. He gave you a thumbs up with a nod and you knew he was going to tease you about this for the next week. You were relieved at least he wasn’t pissed, but it was worse to know he thinks you are doing this to get close to Jimin. Ever since everyone found out Jimin is your bias they have been teasing you about it. Jimin had stopped, which was weird of him since you know he loves teasing the heck out of you.

He walked back at you and you felt yourself still blushing at Yoongi’s reactions. “Ready to go?” He asked you.

You nodded and took your notebook in your hands. You walked out of class and started walking out of college, towards the park that leads to your work. It was a twenty-minute walk from your college to the coffee shop you work at. This is going to be interesting, you thought.

Jimin looked at you as you bit your lips with a sweet smile that he rarely ever shows, but it somehow made you very comfortable. “You’re never this quiet with me. Have I made you nervous this time around, Mia?” 

“No” You snorted. “Why would you?” 

“I don’t know, maybe because we never do this” He said.

“It’s cool. I’m cool. I’m fine” You said, definitely not coming off as calm as you wanted to.

He let out a faint laugh. “I have an idea, to break the ice”

“Hmph shoot”

“Let’s play 20 questions” He suggested. “Get to know one another”

“20 questions? We’re not in high school, Park” I rolled my eyes at him.

“Oh come on, it will be fun! You can’t say that when in your college parties you played beer pong. That is lame” He said.

“Shut up” I hit his arm playfully.

“You go first” He said.

“Uh…” You trailed off. “I’ve never done this, I don’t know what to ask! What is your… favorite color?” 

He let out a hearty laugh, his eyes squinting close as he did so. He looks adorable when he laughs, truthfully. “What kind of question is that? And then you call me a kid! Well it’s baby blue”

“Really? I love that color too, but I do not like to discriminate in the color palette” You said.

“Cool” He smiled. “My turn. When is your birthday?” He asked.

“December 18″ You told him.

“Ha!” He exclaimed with a proud look on his face. “Now you gotta call me oppa. I was afraid you were going to be older than me for a moment, you give that vibe to people. You know, being superior”

“I will never call you oppa, you are an idiot” You rolled your eyes at him and his thought. “But that was a compliment actually, so thanks. What is your favorite song to perform?”

“Hmph, that’s a good one” He thought. “You know, I miss performing House Of Cards. I have a special bond with that song”

“I love that” You said, sounding a little too excited than you wanted to, but embracing it anyway. You’re not even trying to hide how much you love their music anymore. “You go”

“What is in your notebook? I see you write on it almost every single day. Even the first day I met you in the coffee shop, you had it on the counter” He said. “I’m really curious since you are a Literature major”

“I cannot share that, Jimin” You told him. “Yah! It still smells like cappuccino from when you spilled the coffee all over it. At least I saved it”

“I’m sorry about that. I can see this notebook means a lot to you” He nodded with a small frown. 

“Touch it, ever, and I will cut your dick off” You threatened him, teasing. “Although I doubt you have much of that”

“You just gotta wait and see” He smirked widely.

“You wish” You laughed at his remark. “Since you know my notebook is my prized possession, do you have one?”

“Yeah actually” He nodded and ran his tongue on his lips. “I have a Polaroid book. Throughout the years I have been taking polaroids of certain events or some random moments to remember them, especially on tour last year. I actually have my Polaroid camera in my backpack right now. I like to look back at them and remember all the food times, appreciate them and feel better when I’m in a dark place”

You smiled at his confession and the way he wasn’t scared to admit his feelings. “That is very cool and sweet, actually. I’d actually be down to see that photo album someday”

“Any day” He smiled. “You know what?” He stopped in his tracks and pulled your hand to stop you too. Your hand tingled from the sudden contact, his touch warm, smooth and inviting. “I want to take a polaroid of you right now. Like right here, or maybe let’s take one together”

Your eyes widened at his request and you were suddenly very aware of your appearance, for the second time today. “Right now? Jimin I look like a mess”

“You never do, Mia! You look beautiful, come on” He said. “Uh hello, excuse me” He walked up to a random guy who was sitting on a bench with his girlfriend and smiled at him politely. “Sorry for interrupting you, but can you take a picture of us? It will take one second!” He told him.

“Jimin, what are you doing, are you insane?” You whispered to him and he rolled his eyes at you. 

“Of course, no problem” The man said. 

“Thank you!” Jimin smiled widely and handed him the black Polaroid camera. “Come on now, Mia. Smile for me”

“I look like a freaking-”

“Angel. That is what you look like. Now shut up and let’s take a Polaroid together” He said. With a swift move, he slung his arm around your waist and pulled you closer to him, your head laying on his shoulder now. He looked down at you with a smile that you couldn’t quite decipher what it meant, but you wanted to be looking at that smile all day long. There was something so genuine about it that made your heart warm.

“Aaand done” The guy said. “Here” He handed Jimin his camera back.

“Thank you so much” Jimin thanked the stranger.

“No problem man” The guy said and sat down back on the bench.

“But- I literally didn’t even find time to pose!” You whined. “I probably look like crap, I didn’t get a chance to stand and look at the camera properly” You said as Jimin shook the Polaroid for the picture to slowly appear.

He smirked widely and looked down at the photo. “Seems like you were too busy looking at me” 

Your eyes trailed to the photo. You looked at how close Jimin was holding you and how it looked in the picture, the way he looked down at you, making the hight difference evident. You looked at him too in the picture and blushed at the way it looks like you are looking at him. It looks as if you are ready to kiss him and that is just the last thing you want it to look like. The way you are looking at each other in the picture almost makes it look like you are a couple, but you both know that is far from what you are. “This is adorable, I like it” 

“I guess it’s fine” You said. “Why do you want me in your album anyway? What do you want to remember?”

“I want to remember one of the rare moments we hang out” He said. “You know, remember the day I lost my sanity and probably got murdered” He teased you and you laughed.

He nudged your shoulder playfully, the two of you laughing. “God you look small in front of me and it makes me so happy. You, angel, are going to be my photo partner from now on”

“Angel?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“I think that’s what I will call you from now on. Because it is ironic and you love irony. You are a literal devil, but angel somehow makes sense” He said with a wide grin.

Angel. The sound coming out of his mouth is smooth like honey and you hate how good it sounds coming from him. Now you have to listen to him say it for the rest of your life. Somehow though, you are not mad at that.

AU: This turned to fluff real fast but do not get used to it lol.

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[we-do-recover-together-blog]

so its been a slow start on here but i havent had this tumblr for more then 24 hours still trying to figure out how to use this thing but i figured id tell a little bit about my story, when i was young i used to live with my mom my grandma aunt and uncle, mom was 17 when she had me and well at the least to say she wasnt quiet ready to be a mother then. she was always out with friends and partying and would leave me wit my aunt or uncle. i was very close with my aunt if anything she was the closest thing to a mother figure i had in my life i felt safe with her, the only person i ever felt safe with was her and that still stands to this day shes the only person in the world that never turned her back on me and never gave up on me she always took me out before valentines day to get gifts for my little crushes threw out school i could tell her things i couldnt even tell a best friend or counselor she was my safe haven. But sometimes my uncle would baby sit me and he would do inappropriate things to me and touch me and i was so young and i didnt know it wasnt okay i didnt know wwhat it was at all really until i got older and i was ashamed of it and felt like less of a man and really it took till i was about 21 years old to finally come out and say it of course i was only strong enough to say it to the only person i trusted to keep it a secret i was and still am a little bit ashamed of it and its something i need to work on but back to my story eventually with my mom struggling with addiction herself she would get kicked out of my grandmas sometimes so she would grab me put me in the car and we would just drive around all night i cant tell you how many countless nights i spent in the back of her car sleeping or at some strangers house., well eventually i cant remember how old i was exactly but i guess she just got tired of being the part time mom she was and i remember her bringing me to visit my dad who lived with my other grandma grandpa my uncle and my 2 aunts well we walked in the door and everyone was there in the living room just talking but as soon as they saw us it was like the world stopped and they just stared at us well turns out my mother was going on a vacation for a week with her new boyfriend well it turned out that week turned into weeks and longer with out calls or anything she just took off eventually one day we got a call and its the first time i can remember talking to her since she left and she was in jail she came back into my life sorta kinda just in and out until i was in 7th grade thats when i started t get out of control and full of anger and hate and was very rebellious the typical im gonna do what i want when i want how i was and no one can tell me shit about it getting suspended from school getting into fights you name it that was me i was a jerk of a brother a mean son and a worst nightmare for people i didnt like i wasnt scared of anything weather it was fighting jail or cops for years my mother was asking me to give her another chance and move in with her she was never around or home and she didnt really care what i did so i moved in with my mom and from there i fell into a group of older kids that liked to do drugs and fight and pretty much do any and everything that you shouldnt do and to me it was fun i felt cool and ilike doing whatever i wanted if i got arrested my mom wasnt home to ground me or atleast enforce it so i just continued to do whatever i wanted countless arrests and suspensions from school and the drinking and drugging i didnt realize till my most recent years the older kids were just using me because i wasnt really scared to do or say anything perfect little side kick well eventually my mother found a bowl i hadfor getting high and she kicked me out so i moved back to my home town but with my grandparents they are the sweetest souls i have ever met but they were old school and were not very strict so smoking pot and drinking where completely normal especially in my family i first overdosed when i was 15 years old i took about 70 something sleeping pills that the kids in my town started taking because they were untraceable on a drug and blood test like i said that was just my first overdose and yes it terrified my family but didnt faze me one bit not even a year later when i was 16 i overdosed on pcp started hanging out in a bad neighborhood and doing just about any and every drug available even after watching one of my bestfriends drop to the ground from the pcp just minutes before i did i woke up in a hospital bed still unfazed by it honestly i think a part of my thought it was “cool” and at that point i thought well i over dosed twice and still woke up so nothing can touch me at that point i was so wrapped up in drugs that my emotions were non existing and my thought process was just fuck it.the drinking and drugging just got worse the partying continued the arrests never ended cant think of a night that didnt end in running from the cops when i was 17 i first tried heroin i had a friend that sold it and we would go drink at his house and i found some in the bathroom so i tried it and well at the least to say that was the day my life completely i slowly continued to use it but not to the point where i needed it atleast i thought that shortly after i found out that 2 of my cousins were using heroin to of course i didnt tell them i was until we ended up running into eachother in the ghetto so we all started getting high together hiding in abandon buildings and shooting up heroin at this point smoking crack and shooting up cocaine too, two days in a row i overdoses on heroin and xanax the people i was with ran my pockets when my breathing stopped and threw me on the side of the roadluckly i was found by someone and brought to a hospital still wasnt fazed when i woke up and went home went to sleep woke up the next day and got high again in all of these events i was also in and out of the county jail like it was my second home eventually my family got on my ass so i went to a rehab for 28 days just to get them off my back, first day home i told my grandpa i was going to see a few friends and went right back to getting high the same day i got out of rehab. i started hanging out with this girl i met in rehab second time we hangout i end up overdosing again on heroin and alcohol thats when i found out i had hep C but im sure if my track record doesnt prov to be the same that didnt faze me either right back to using eventually i get arrested and charged with 3rd degree burglary get locked up in the county for two months and it violates my juvenile probation and i get sent to a juvenile prison, i stay there for about 18 months while im there my cousins are hanging out and one of them over doses and my cousin and our “friend” freak out instead of calling an ambulance they clean her up and tuck her under a blanket in the hotel room they were in and they leave her a few days later room service finds the body i find out about a week later and well i think the fact of being in jail and not seeing it with my own eyes just made it hard to believe that the cousin that used to babysit me that grew up with me was gone forever and i never got to say goodbye..and it doesnt stop there maybe two weeks later i get a letter and find out my other cousin killed herself. she just couldnt handle the shame she felt for leaving my one cousin in that hotel room .not gonna really get into details about how i felt after losing both of them because its almost impossible to describe.about a year later i finally get out and i move in with my aunt her fiance and my baby cousin i was on parole so i had expectations to meet like outpatient counseling so about 2 months after being out im doing good staying clean doing good with outpatient and my curfew well i wake up the day after my 21 birthday i wake up to a text that my bestfriend of 18 years is dead and that  pretty much destroyed me and broke me down i started drinking and skipping outpatient or showing up drunk i shut down and pushed myself into the dark again i was trying to get parole to violate me and send me back i just gave up but it never happened and the day i got off i moved out of my aunts and with my friend in philly well that was all just party party party. at the time i was talking to a girl who i thought at the time was my life partner and all that bullshit but i was just blinded by after 2 years of nothing but jail and parole rules she was just the first female who gave me her attention well while i was in philly we were all drinking and me and her broke up i was drunk and emotional and i well i went into the bathroom and i took 3 90 count scripts of depression medicine and i took them all i took 270 pills give or take a few and tried to kill myself 10 minutes after i took them i blacked out well all i can say is i must have a a seriously bad ass guardian angel or i have a very big and meaningful purpose in life because i woke up the next day weak unable to move and throwing up non stop all the pills i took. it took me about three days to get back to me then i went back to jersey with my uncle not long after that i get hooked back on heroin and cocaine again and my life just well i can say i never been so low the insanity of it all is just well insane everyday i woke up and NEEDED drugs in one day i would think a million times how much happier i would be if i just ended the suffering if i just drove the car into the wall as fast as i could and just end the suffering, my mind was such a dark scary place i wouldnt wish it on anyone and if i didnt always want to get high just one more time if i didnt want to feel that rush one more time im sure i probably would have killed myself, one day i was getting high with my gf at the time and i was just i dont really know what happened but its like time froze and i saw who i was when i got out of jail and how bad things got and how far out there i was so i reached out to the only person i knew i could trust and that would help me my aunt and the next day she checked me into a hospital and i detoxed there while i was there my aunt and my mom found me a halfway house to move into..out of state, they didnt want me to end up like my cousins did the found me a sobor living home and a plane ticket and they went above and beyond to save me. so i moved and i was terrified that id fail i was in the halfway house for about 3 1/2 months to 4 and i turned into a completely different person that i never thought i could be i was happy and going to meetings and sharing and i met a girl and i fell head over heals for her the second i laid eyes on her shes been strong for me stood by my side and made me believe i could be more then a guy working as a cook and just barly making it that i can have that nice house and i can g=have a nice car or go back to school that i can build a family of my own it took me a while to realize or should i say believe in myself to be honest i didnt start fully believe in myself until 2 months ago since me and her have been together i have stolen money from her to get high on multiple occasions i have lied to her and flipped her brand new mustang going to get high i have snuck out and left her alone in bed to go get high she bought me a plane ticket to go home on my birthday for a week to see my family and my first day home i overdosed on heroin i have left her on three occasions because i broke the law and went to jail the first time was for 2 months for aggravated assault and she answered every call wrote me letters came to every court date she visited me and she stayed by my side the whole time.not even 5 days after i got out i stole her car and money to get high even after everything she did for me a month later i got arrested again and charged wit domestic assault for splashing her with water yea i know it sounds stupid but i was piss drunk and got out of control well she bailed me out of jail my drinking continued to get worse and i came home one night from work very very drunk and i snapped and i actually put my hands on her i hit the woman that did nothing but stand by my side and believe in me and give me chance after chance she carried my child the first time i went to jail and we lost it from all the stress she was under from supporting her child and paying rent all on her own a few months after she bailed me out we got pregnant again our own little baby boy Carter well our little baby boy wasnt so healthy and was in pain so we had to make the decision to abort it was what we thought best for him while she was pregnant i went behind her back and was talking to a female that i shouldnt have been talking to and said things i shouldnt have said while being in a relationship with this wonderful woman who has done nothing but fight for me and stand by my side well on july 27th i went back to jail again and stayed for about 2 months for violating my probation still this woman stood by my side answered every call and again came to court this was when i finally realized i was still being defeated by my addiction and while in jail i decided im not gonna be that person i was because i have a choice it is my life and i wont be weak anymore i started going the the steps again for real this time and taking every step to better myself and well guess who bailed me out of jail again? you guessed it she did and now i have been home for 6 days and i have trouble sleeping so i decided to make this blog to share my story help others like me most importantly help myself and not i am sitting in bed next to my girlfriend and my only thoughts are why didnt i take advantage of this time with her and also how easy recovery can be if you really try i mean we tried pretty hard to get high or stay high just half of that effort will save your life its saving mine usually nights like this id be searching the house for a car key that my gf has to hide from me so i dont steel her car but today all i care about is spending and enjoying every moment with this woman and what would be my next step that would be best for my family and me its gonna be a long road and a hard fight but i know i can do it just like i know you can do it stay strong everyone never give up and remember you are worth it and you are worth saving