#my high school didn't really have mean girls in the same stereotypical way

[random2908]

I don't know what possessed me but I googled the head mean girls from my grades in elementary and middle school.

The one from middle school is now a Jesus-blogger, Christian author, and copy-writer. I had no idea she was religious like that when we were in school together (and maybe she wasn't, maybe it came later), but otherwise that fits--she was WAY above grade level in writing ability in middle school, better even than me. The whole friendliness shtick that that job description entails rings kind of funny, though, because the clique she headed in middle school didn't have to be at odds with other cliques, she personally chose that for them--in fact, some of the second tier girls in her clique could eat at rival cliques at lunch if they wanted as long as they disavowed her mean-girl agenda. But, that was middle school, and it's easy to give her the benefit of the doubt and say that a lot of girls go through a mean girl phase at that age and most outgrow it. OTOH, Jesus-blogger, so who knows whether she actually outgrew it, or whether she just realized that success comes through painting a mean-girl interior with an aggressively "nice" veneer.

The one from elementary school is a senior vice president at a PR firm. Also fits, I think. She very carefully engineered herself to be the MOST popular girl in our grade. It was her sidekick who was more the really mean girl who kept everyone in line (but I've forgotten her name, and no one liked her anyway). In 4th and 5th grade, she also made forays into active attempts to be a teacher's pet. The more I think about it the more hilariously fitting I think this career is for her, based on only having known her from ages 6-11.

[kyomon0]

been thinking abt the Gakuen AU for a little ...

(Sry if it's messy, i'm brain-dumping on mobile)

Tachihara goes to a different school because he doesn't want to wear the same uniform as his brother (as far as my understanding goes, I'm not sure if it's correct) so I have a silly little Headcanon for it:

Tachihara transferred out before Chuuya, and had dyed his hair and got piercings during the transfer. So.

They've also never really entered each others social sphere's, so Tachihara didn't have much of a reason to be friendly to Chuuya when he transferred, and Chuuya didn't have any reason to recognize Tachihara or remember his name.

Tachihara would've been on the disciplinary committee, which is part of why he would've recognized Chuuya, and Chuuya would only recognized Tachi if he didn't have whole delinquent look going on (mostly, if he still had black hair)

So comes the day where Tachihara mentions something abt their previous school, Chuuya's just like, hold up, wtf do you mean you went there, i've never seen you???? And Tachihara's like, yeah I used to go there wdym

And Chuuya's still confused, so Tachi says his hair is dyed so it was black back then (new information to everyone lol). Chuuya's still confused and shouts that literally 90% of students would've had black hair. So Tachi says he was on the disciplinary committee (another shocker), and now Chuuya thinks.

The disciplinary committee? There were four students on there, and he's very obviously not those three. He would've had to have been the kid that was hanging around that Ookura girl. The one that was clearly the most normal of the group, that actually did the work how you would expect it to be done, not... whatever the other three did.

And Chuuya, in his head, just comapres. The polite, stereotypical Japanese high school student, part of the disciplinary committee, making sure other students stay in line. Okay. And he just looks at this mf in front of him. Bandaid on nose, dyed hair, piercing, improper uniform and is just like, there's no fucking way.

They have an argument abt it.

That is most of what I have for that sadge. I am attempting to draw this, it's,,, going,,, slowly〜

The image of Chuuya just thinking, and then suddenly slamming the table and pointing at tachihara shouting 'THAT WAS YOU!?' has just been really funny to me recently.

Also the idea of their two schools having an event together or something, and Teruko just pops over out of the blue, climbs up Tachihara, and demands him to take her somewhere with Suegiku following behind, just absolutely baffling everyone when they leave. Tachihara makes no complaints abt it either, confusing them even more.

[screechingkingdomhottub]

DEFENDING NPMD

Time to defend nerdy prudes must die to some of you for not appreciating the utter masterpiece it is as my current hyperfixation.

"These teens aren't realistic they're caricatures" - Sure that could easily be true, and say it is true then it's a high school piece based on cliques/stereotypes that people don't necessarily fit into in reality? That doesn't make it bad, heathers and mean girls are classics at this point. But also I was 3 of these people in secondary. I had an anime phase and I was friends with weebs, they act exactly like richie, like...I told so many people "Believe It!" with a thumbs up. I even played a naruto song to classmates and talked about how he was my idol as a 13 year old...I cringe about that to this day but it's a REAL PHASE. Then we have Ruth who is so horny and desperate for love...literally my teenage life are you kidding? Especially with the theatre reenactments thinking I could do things if I didn't get anxious like...poor girl. I'd like to think I was Peter at one point, I have low blood sugar and like pokemon cards and got decent grades and had a bit of a need to prove myself? But I was probably closer to Grace like ya boi has religious suppressions but I'm catholic so clearly not a person of faith in Grace's eyes haha.

"There's too many rhymes - class of twenty twenty worn"

I think this was intentional? Well not really but also like it makes sense, Jeff said the reason for the snapping being wrong in bully the bully is because they're nerds and that's uncool in jazz which kinda leads me to believe this theory. Also the original lyric was "There's no way to fix the class of 2026" but had to change cause year. One of the songs that doesn't rhyme obsessively is "The Summoning" which is sang primarily by the lords in black as opposed to the high school kids. Now, I don't want to offend anyone but high schoolers are idiots. Everyone is an idiot but high schoolers tend to be egotistical idiots. My theory is the rhyming is sort of a meta commentary of the ages of these characters, believing that things should be rhyming because that's what they've been taught. It keeps the norm of the school also, it shows it fits the standard representation of schools in media and then symbolises this through the representation of a standard song. Whereas the lords in black have some off lyrics, off rhymes, especially here: "Nibbly wants a sacrifice And Wiggly wants his wrath We dancе around the pentagram And take all our kingdoms back" It doesn't fit the other rhymes that happen earlier on sang by the high schoolers. This could represent the lords in black are interfering with the norm, they're older and wiser and follow their own rules. "But screech what about hatchet town" they don't have the same power as the lords in black, the chaos and paranoia is getting to them but there is still more off rhymes than in others. "What are off rhymes what are you doing" A rhyme is like fart and smart. An off-rhyme is like fart "monster" and "Gone sir" it doesn't entirely rhyme but it has that feeling. There's probably a lot more fascinating things that you can get into with this "BUUUT Heathers did it without them sounding so cheesy and unaware" my answer to that is, heathers is fILLED WITH EMOS. Have you spoken to an emo? They'll go like "Even the roaring waves of the sea cannot mimic the immense drowning I feel by my emotions" like dude chill. NPMD doesn't have emos in it really...Everyone is really happy considering the situation.

"Who says cool beans anymore?" - This is the funniest criticism to me like, do you think Grace Chasity is supposed to represent a modern day view? She's the one who says it first! "Shoot and shinola", "tickle on my mommy spot" all that is fine by you but cool beans is outdated??? "But why do the others join herrr" ok well the obvious reason there is they're INSIDE A HAUNTED HOUSE WITH SOMEONE WHO IS VERY SUS AND THEIR WORST BULLY IS COMING AND ALSO GRACE IS THE ONLY ONE WITH THE KEY LIKE I WOULD JUST GO WITH THAT. But if not, nerds quote outdated memes all the time. "Excellent" reminded me of naruto the abridged series, like that's from 2008 but im still there. Or like the phandom are still simping for glabellas and onomatopoeic microwaves. The starkid fandom would never reference an old musical, the medallion said that was dumb so we're not doing that...wait Most valid stuff I've seen is about steph's characterisation which I can do a whole post about like mariah is phenomenal as always but there's a lot of telling not showing.

Also I'm back into starkid

[our-transgender-experiences]

Hi Alex. Is it ok to vent a little bit a lot? It's completely fine if you don't post any response, I completely understand. This is a HUGE experience prompt to respond to.

I was birthed with the male sex (he/him) so you can call me that.

Over the past year and two months, I've been feeling just a little off. I keep a journal, and have since before that moment, so I have my experience written down carefully. In short form, I don't know who I am. In a longer form, I'm a weird, cringey high schooler who doesn't know who they are, who wears a galaxy backpack to school, who is agnostic (Christian, but can't prove it right or wrong), aromantic, and asexual. My experience isn't special by any means, in fact, I think I fit literally every queer stereotype known to mankind? Here's the best part: I live in Oklahoma, the famous place of Nex Benedict's horrific death.

About a month ago, I saw "Celeste" in a YouTube video about some of the hardest, but most enjoyable, games of all time. I looked it over, it's on sale for $5, and I'm fortunate enough to be able to afford that. So I got it and finished it within 3 days. I instantly recommended it to my brother, who also happens to be a little queer. He loved it too, but I STILL didn't know the backstory behind that game. Then, I saw the video. It was an amazing reading of Celeste, down to every minor detail of the game. One thing that stood out, was the fact that the both the creator, and the protagonist, were trans women. Even better: it was known for being a wonderful story of the trans experience, and I RELATED TO IT. EVEN BETTER: I had now recommended it to practically my entire friend group, including some incredibly religious people. So what was I gonna do about it? Not care, and continue onto the B-sides.

I want to say 5 days ago was when it really kicked in that "wait a minute, I related to Madeline in a very deep way, and she's a trans..." Now this is the climax, get ready. Because I had been journaling for so long, I had already written about my experience since those early days where I had that so-called dysphoria. And after I realized that could be because I'm trans, I immediately asked my parents what my girl names were before I was born. (doctors didn't know my sex until about two weeks before I was due) "Eden" is a pretty cool name, I guess I'll try it. I walk into my dad's office (works from home) that same day after school, and he immediately turns to me and asks: "So why did you need to know your girl names?" I immediately respond with "... idk?" Very convincing, well done. I text him after I flee to my room, "I'm experimenting, don't take that too seriously" He understands, and I'm at peace. Mom also takes it well, and we're good to actually begin the experiments I was "planning".

First up, change the online bios, like Discord. See how it actually looks on me. AAAAND my best friend sees it within a few hours. Not even prompted, we were talking, playing rocket league, and he just "hey why's your bio say you're experimenting with 'Eden' as your new name?" Explained, but he was in a weird spot. "I'm happy and will support you with whatever you **choose**." Key word there, I'm not choosing anything. I'm actually going with the flow so much more than he could imagine. But okay, we've got a pretty good ally on our side! Going great.

Except here comes "Part of Me" with the anxiety of what could happen, why I shouldn't do anything different around peers, and more importantly why I shouldn't experiment with myself. And to be honest, I believe that part of me. There's so many questions that I ask like "but what if it's all for attention?" or "but you always acted like a boy, why are you changing now? or "maybe the other Christians were right. you are a sinner after all, you're a bad person and you DO deserve to die." You know those.

And with those come the questioning part of it. Am I ACTUALLY just doing what I'm doing for attention? Like I said, I'm a high schooler. I'm a future aerospace engineer for SpaceX, I love computers, and I have top 1% test scores as a sophomore. I'm doing good with school, but that's exactly why I basically have one friend who is also up there with me. I'm not here to brag, I'm here to show that I don't get a lot of attention at school, it's basically all family members who care about me. So again, am I just trying this for attention? I don't think so, but that seems like what my brain would want me to say.

And to be honest, I needed this. I vent every day, but to nobody except Google advertisement algorithms out of Google Docs (my journal). I vent and cry into empty space, but maybe this is finally not just to my phone. This is to another human who I think has had a close experience to mine.

And of course I'm not going to ask you "who am I, who do I like, and what's my gender?" But I am going to ask you one thing: What's your take? I mean this is the trans experiences blog, but I'm not sure if I am a trans. I figured this was the best place to get a good use out of my time. Thank you so much for letting people like me do this, it seriously means a lot.

i'm glad that you feel that this is a space where you can comfortably talk about your experience, and question your gender. My advice, is to keep experimenting,and see where it takes you find out what you're comfortable with, it might take time, and it might change. It took me a while to get to where i am now, and even now i'm not 100% sure. i tried different labels that felt right at the time, but they changed later, and thats okay.

[animecreator3000]

Every time I rewatch some episode of Boueibu HK I wonder again how the staff even planned this season. Like. Almost nothing meaningful happens with the characters

TLDR the characters with the most developement in HK are the monsters

Kyoutarou is there as a complete contrast to Yumoto while keeping the battle speeches so his characterization doesn't make much sense. Nanao is mere fujoshi bait. Taiju and Taishi have random bits of dialogue that hint at possible arcs for s2 but not enough to tell us what it really is. Maasa has an unfinished arc in his episode, where supposedly he's putting fatty butter in his cookies to make everyone else overweight because he resents Ichiro not defending him when they were little, but then his friends tell him it's fine and then he can move on??? This would work with Ichiro's theme of not wanting to be immature or dense anymore, except they only ever used this theme as a gag (misunderstanding the meaning of whatever the others have said) or to straight up humilliate him (ep4) and continue treating him like a stupid baby. At the end of the season Maasa and him have made peace somehow and that's it. Ata gets in my opinion the closest thing to a complete arc, even if it's just staring angrily at Kyoutarou for ten episodes, then explaining his problem while fighting him and finally getting his apology and reconcilliation. At least it's something. And poor Ryouma is just there to be the butt of a few jokes about how he lets Nanao and Kyoutarou use him, be in a couple of cute shippy scenes, and also for Ata to completely dismiss him from the flashbacks to the point where if they had first met in high school nothing would've changed.

The relationships barely have developement either. Love had anime episodes and manga chapters dedicated to the different close friendships solving their conflicts and becoming closer. There were also many instances of seeing how close the Hakone brothers-defense club and Beppu brothers' relationships were, and even though they didn't have any conflict between themselves, they made them strong sides for the final fight. Yumoto didn't get a character arc but through the entire anime he was revealed to be strong, considerate, forgiving and mature, willing to kindly befriend the Beppu twins for his brother but not let them walk all over him; contrary to how he was presented in the first episodes, like a stereotypical magical girl protagonist. Anyway in HK there's no meaningful conflict between any of them besides Kyoutarou and Ata. Taishi and Ichiro argue constantly but don't show to genuinely like each other after all like IoRyuu or EnAtsu did. Ichiro and Maasa never make any progress to be together again, Maasa hints once at liking Taishi and nothing comes from it, and Nanao and Taiju have the most artificial friendship in the cast that I just do not understand. They just ran an ice cream shop once with again unexplained success and make sassy remarks at each other ever since. And I guess Karurusu and Furanui had a bit of developement thanks to Kyou and Ata in ep12. Idk about the aliens, this time it's like they didn't do it completely well but also not as bad as with the rest of the cast. Maybe bc they didn't appear as much as the humans in most of the episodes

I'm realizing now that a few of these complaints are related to Nanao acting weird

Idk where to put this but I'd like to point out Kinshiro's principles of halting the fight with the Battle Lovers as soon as he finds out that the s1 conflict was set up for a reality show and actively defending them from an attack because they're Binan students, despite still not having received his apology from Atsushi. Ata might've done the same if the HK finale's events had gone in the same order (travelling to Honyalaland to fight Wao, then Kyoutarou apologizing to Ata), but he doesn't feel as a character as deep as Kinshiro in that sense bc they didn't really show him to be in other ways.

Love feels more like an actual group of people while HK feels like they were filling in friendship group roles or something

[mixedkid-matchup]

you do not have to answer this!! I'm using you to confess my dubious feelings for the Percy Jackson series bc you also expressed like some weird feelings about it, and I kind of thought the series was untouchable bc of how much everyone I see fawns over it, and I have GOT to get this off my chest to someone who might get what I'm saying. But I have major issues with the writing/premise/series bc it's just feels so deeply colonized and it's bothered me since it FIRST came out and everyone in middle school and high school was reading it and teachers were assigning it. Like the whole premise for the Greek gods being in the US is that they follow Western "progress" and it completely disregards all the amazing things Indigenous did and our way of life, and also removes the importance of place-based culture for both Greek stories and Native peoples (like okay all the Greek stuff moved to the U.S. but wth happened to all our spiritual figures?? The story completelya cts like Native people weren't here and didn't have complex beliefs and ways of life connected to the land, and the gods were just free to take over here with no issues). As a mixed Indigenous kid it just rubs me wrong in all the worst ways and the academic systems love affair with Greek and Roman stuff and Rick Riordan's sheer popularity has been forcing this stuff in my face foreveeeerrrr 😭😭 I was surprised to see your tags about the fandom being weird before too tho since I don't interact with it, so I hope you don't mind this ask and just know I kinda feel the same way!! Ok thanks bye sorry for the rant.

BRO I HAVE HAD THIS RANT ON HAND FOR A LONG TIME ITS OKAY!!!!!!!!!

I THINK IF HEARD ABOUT THIS ACTUALLY. but you explained it way better. like when i first read percy jackson ok fine i was 11, i obviously caught onto the ableism and such but i did not catch onto this until i thought about it when i got older. you're super right. the whole thing about ww2 being caused by demigods was the weirdest shit ever i literally did not remember reading it until i read lightning thief again last year. why did hitler need to be child of hades. THAT IS QUITE LITERALLY HOW PERCY DESCRIBES HADES WHEN HE SEES HIM. LOOKING LIKE HITLER. then what you're saying how they move with the places that are the most progressive and basically take over..... like it's just ..... incredibly misplaced and insensitive.

but about the fandom being weird (its literally encouraged by riordan's book tbh), in heroes of olympus, hazel is a black girl from lousiana in the 1930s?? or 40s idk anyways i think she dies and then nico brings her back. whatever, everyone draws her lightskin and with orange hair, and super skinny, (which she's from louisana. shes darkskin and does not have "caramel" hair i hate white men sometimes.) and shes like 13 btw and in a relationship with frank whos like 16. weird as hell and everyone thinks theyre so sweet. and also rick cannot write meaningful young women. and especially not girls of color. like its WEIRD how piper is portrayed as some pick me girl she constantly feels the need to express shes not like the Aphrodite girls. and rick had to make it weird with aphrodite anyway by making them a whole stereotype of snobby boys and girls who love putting on makeup. they had drew, an asian girl & counselor of aphrodite, straight up mean to piper bc she likes jason. like for no other reason. drew only wants to participate and go on the quest because of jason. and other stereotypes like making leo, latine, be super flirty.

and lets really talk about how annoying annabeth was about the blondes are dumb stereotype because, girl we can talk about misogyny and people not letting you do things because of it, but lets also talk about how you are TWELVE, and the blonde stereotype is tired. i never liked annabeth, she was really tone deaf as someone whos half black. OH AND FRANK. they had this weird ass arc where they implied he was fat because of lack of confidence? like when he got confident he, lost weight... because of a blessing of mars? i dont even know.

like as i get older its more and more annoying to see it. i literally rolled my eyes when i saw rick talking about colorblind casting when people got mad about annabeth. he could of said anything else. how this could reconceptualize annabeth's arc around misogyny and now racism. and purposely alter her character to fit this new black annabeth. but no. people treat colorblind casting as a pinnacle of progressiveness.

[myadalastdon]

DECEIVED EMOTIONS .

Kyle spencer X female reader

Part one

1.4k words

. . . ⇢ ˗ˏˋ [𝚈/𝙽 𝙿𝙾𝚅] ࿐ྂ

"Hey can you stand here for me? I need to use the bathroom right quick." My roomate hayden told me. I nodded. I tried pulling my dress down a little. Because it was too short and tight. I hate wearing tight revealing clothes.

I normally wear baggy clothes. But my friend hayden said that you can't go to a frat party with baggy clothes on. So she gave me one of her dresses from out of her closet.

Which were slutty and short. I feel so disgusted. I don't know why we are here. She says that i need to have fun and catch a dick. I really wanna go home. Parties aren't my scene.

While standing here alone. My eyes scanned my surroundings. There were people dancing. No they were literally bumping and grinding on the dancefloor.

I shook my head. Walking through everyone. I never been to a party. Yes i'm a sophomore in college and i never been to a party. Not even in high school.

I know it's embarrassing but i just don't do parties. I looked around in awe. This is interesting. I saw a ice sculpture. It looked real nice.

I also felt eyes on me. It was a boy. He was staring at me. I didn't feel creeped out or anything. He was just staring at me like i was the only one in the room. I stared back at him.

We were staring at each other through the ice sculpture. He was cute. But definitely not my type. I smiled at him. He smiled back at me.

I walked away to find somewhere to sit down. I was tired of standing. I made my way through the crowd of people. I was so lost. So i just stood in front of the stairwell.

While standing there. The same boy that was staring at me walked up to me with a cup in his hand. Is he following me? How did be find me?

"Hey. I thought you looked thirsty." He says, handing me the cup that was in his hand. I let out a chuckle.

"Is that your superpower. You can sense hydration?" I said. He smiles at me. "One of them."

"Ah a frat boy right? I think frats are full of fascists." I said crossing my arms. The blonde hair boy let's out a laugh.

"I don't mind being reduced to a stereotype, but... i'm on a scholarship." He tells me. He was so cute. The question is why is he talking to me. There are much prettier girls around here dancing. "My mom lives down in the ninth ward. Besides, didn't you come here with a movie star?"

I laughed. "Yeah. What does that supposed to mean?"

He shrugs his shoulders. "I dunno. I'm kyle by the way. You must me be?.."

"Y/n." I added. He had his hand out for me to shake, i shook his hand. God his hands are soft. We were talking about random stuff.

"Really? How come i never see you around here?" He asked. I shrugged my shoulders. "I just stay out the way, i guess."

"Wow." He says.

"I don't wanna talk about me anymore, okay?" I said. He was a frat boy. And i know how they are. They like to talk to you till they get into your pants. And i'm not letting that happen ever.

"You're the first hot girl. I ever met. Who doesn't want to talk about herself." Kyle says to me. "There's got to be something wrong with you."

I laugh. He does have a point. But I don't trust him. I have to remember he's a frat boy.

He covers his face. "I know. You have a boyfriend."

"No, I don't." I answered. I sighed deeply. "Kyle i like you. But it's not gonna work out. Have you seen my friend?"

He sighs. I walk away so i can find hayden. I looked everywhere for her all around this house. I walked back to where kyle was.

"Hey, I can't find her anywhere." I said letting out a breath. "What, you think she ditched you?"

I scoffed.

"I'll look around upstairs. Hang on." He says, patting my shoulder. I just stood there and waited for him. "Hey, i looked around everywhere. She isn't up there."

Hearing yelling. "Nevermind. I know where she is."

He grabs my hand. We walked through the crowd of people. And there was hayden. She was sitting on someone's lap. There was a group of people sitting on the couches.

"There she is! Y/n we we're playing truth or dare. C'mon girl." She gets up from the boy lap and grabs my arm.

"We're gonna have so much fun! I see you met kyle." She smirks. We sat down on the couch.

"These are my friends. Autumn, brittney, and heidi." Hayden introduces me to her friends. I waved at them. "Hey." I said shyly.

"Where did the boys go? We're supposed to be playing truth or dare." Autumn whined.

"Relax. They went to go grab some drinks." Heidi assured. A few minutes and the boys had came back. I met them and they seem cool.

"So who's up first?" One of the frat brothers asked. His name is tyler. He is an asshole.

"Kyle." Everyone says. He lets out a sigh. "Okay what?"

"Truth or dare." Derrick asks him. "Truth." Kyle answers. He eyes derrick for a couple of seconds.

"Is it true that you actually banged peyton last year?" He asked kyle.

"Dude no. That never happened." Kyle says, he picks up a cup that was full of beer and chugged it.

Ew.

"Okay now its y/n turn." Hayden turns to me. All eyes were now on me. I swallowed a lump of salvia.

"I'll do the honors of asking her." Heidi smirks. Something was off about her. I don't like it not one bit.

"Fine. Whatever." I muttered. "So y/n truth or dare?"

"Dare." I challenged. Everyone around me gasped. "Okay. I dare you to make out with kyle for one minute."

My eyes widened. "I'm not doing that."

"Yes you are. It's either that or go skinny dipping in the pool." She smirked with her arms crossed. I'm not skinny dipping in no cold ass pool. And I'm definitely not taking my clothes off even though it feels like I don't have any on.

"Fine i'll kiss him." I said sighing. "Okay. I'm going to set a timer on my phone for one minute. Now get to kissing."

I bit my lip nervously. "You don't have to do this." Kyle whispered in my ear.

"It's fine." I assured. I never kissed anyone before. Well i kissed someone in grade school. It was more of a peck though. And it was spin the bottle.

I grabbed him by his collar pulling him towards me. We were now facing each other.

"The timer starts now." Heidi says quickly. Kyle stared into my eyes, then smashed his lips into mine. The kiss started off slow. Our eyes were closed.

We kissed in sync. His lips glided over mine smoothly. His hands also moved down to my waist. My head tilted. We kissed slowly and his lips were soft.

I felt the sparks between the kiss. I also felt safe. His fingers tips pressed against my skin. I never felt so safe and his touch made me wanna risk it all.

My heart was beating with excitement.

Before his tongue could slide into my mouth. We were interrupted by the timer beeping.

"OKAY STOP!" Heidi yelled. She was laughing. We opened our eyes and kyle smirks at me. I blushed. My cheeks were a rosy color.

"That was nice." He smiles at me. His eyes weren't dark anymore. They were just his regular eye color. Chocolate brown.

"Yeah." I agreed. Tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I bit my lip. His eyes gazed at me for a couple of seconds.

"And you're a really good kisser." Kyle complimented. He wipes my lip gloss from his lips.

"Thank you. It was my first time." I blushed. His eyes widen. "Wow."

The whole night we played truth or dare. I'm surprised nothing got too wild. It was fun. I sat next to kyle the whole time. For some reason i felt safe around him.

"Okay guys. We have to get going." Hayden said letting out a yawn. I could agree with her. "Come on y/n lets go. I wanna sleep."

I'm so glad we are roommates. While getting myself up from the couch. Kyle grabs my arm. "When will i see you again?"

"I don't know. You'll have to find me pretty boy." I tell him, then tapped his nose. He bits his lip. "Okay that's fine by me."

"See you around kyle." I said. "See you around y/n."

He let's go of my arm. And smiles at me.

With that. Hayden and i. Leave the frat house. Kyle and that kiss we shared was all i could think about.

[cordycepsfem]

Hello! You reblogged a post about "bi" women who don't like vulva (https://www.tumblr.com/cordycepsfem/743621467814674432). Your blog is one of my favorites and I was curious about your thoughts on my situation.

I'm a woman and I consider myself to be bi, but I am disgusted by penis. I do think it's weird when a woman who doesn't like vulva says she is bi, but then I feel like a hypocrite by doing the opposite. I don't think it would be appropriate to call myself a lesbian, though. I still find some men attractive, just not their genitals and I wouldn't be able to have a sexual relationship with a man because of that specific lack of attraction. When I am attracted to a woman, I am attracted to the whole woman. I've been told I just haven't found the right man yet, but there have been men I've cared deeply for. When I try to think about having sex with them, I feel sick. I don't feel sick when I think of women that way. I am a virgin, if that matters.

I always hear about the "bi but eww pussy" stereotype, but never the opposite. Do you think a woman can be unattracted to male genitals and still be bi? I don't mean this as a gotcha, I am just genuinely confused and value your opinion if you wouldn't mind sharing it. Thanks in advance if you decide to answer this! :)

Thank you for your kind words. While I am glad you enjoy my blog, I have to admit that I am not really a font of information on all things lesbian or bi, and would have a hard time telling you how best to proceed. I will move forward with the information I do have, and you may take what you wish.

I existed as a mostly-asexual being until I was in my twenties. When my same-age girl cousins or peers would say a boy looked "cute" or "hot," I never had any idea what they meant. I never saw something in a boy that gave me any special feeling, no matter how many movie stars or boy band members had captured their hearts.

My family was (and still is somewhat) Catholic, and when I was younger I could never see myself married to a man. I didn't know about gay or bisexual people, and I thought the only way to have children was to marry a man and reproduce heterosexually. I have always wanted to be a mom, and I look forward to that in my life now, but back then I was told the only way was marriage to a man. The thought of living with a man, sharing a bed with a man, and having sex with a man was utterly repellant to me when I considered it seriously at the age of 12 or 13. I gave a lot of consideration to becoming a nun.

I got really sick around the age of 14 and the treatments I had between 14 and 22 really fucked up those ages, so I pretty much just worked on surviving. But eventually I was maybe 23 or 24, and I went to a local store and saw a woman who was just... beautiful. She was nerdy, and ticked all these boxes that I now know are qualities I'm attracted to. I asked if they had a certain item I'd been looking for and she checked, spent time with me, offered to order it... nothing more than a great customer service representative, but I was... fascinated. I suddenly had all these feelings that I didn't understand.

But then I also had all of these experiences that suddenly made sense. I'd always preferred "strong female character" types in shows and movies and books. I always wanted to be best friends with the female lead in media, not dating the male lead. I had intense friendships with girls, especially in high school. And now here I was finding a woman attractive for the first time - realizing that I was attracted to someone blew my mind.

I now have a girlfriend for the very first time in my thirties. (It is amazing. I am a big fan.) She is helping me to think very openly about attraction and arousal and how to explore sexuality. Her work will now help me to come to my conclusion here, which is:

I think only you can be in charge of what you call your sexuality (obviously). But if you are only attracted to men by basis of looks or personality, and know that you would not have sex with them, to me that doesn't seem like a full experience of sexuality. Sexuality, for many people, involves the desire to have sexual and romantic experiences with a partner, and it probably would be really hard to have a full relationship with someone who you wouldn't want to engage in sex with, unless that was something you were both wanting, and you felt your connection was more emotional.

I have also found certain men appealing for many reasons - they're a good singer, or they're funny, or they look really sharp in a suit, or I liked them in that one movie - but I don't ever see, nor have I ever seen, a relationship with a man going further than a cherished friendship. I have no desire to engage with one romantically or sexually. If you feel the same way about men, and are wholly attracted to only women, I feel like that's your answer. But again, I can't label how you feel, only offer my thoughts.

People who say "You haven't found the right man yet" need to mind their own business, and perhaps look to their own homophobia. It is possible to do so, because my 88-year-old devoutly Catholic Irish grandmother has yet to tell me to find a man and I am in my mid-thirties. If you aren't looking for a man, why would it matter if you found the right one or not?

However you choose to identify your sexuality, you seem very certain of what you do and do not want, and that will help you figure things out. Please let me know if I can offer a listening ear. I am grateful you were able to share your experience with me.

[sunroki]

i finally watched the barbie movie

i was really busy this semester and never got around to it, but now i'm home with the family and we wanted something fun to watch so i suggested the barbie movie. both my parents have already seen it, and with my mom at the beach with a friend, my dad was siked to show it to me and my brother (he also hadn't seen it yet). i was aware that it was all about patriarchy and feminism and what it means to be a woman and all that stuff but i really wasn't prepared for how it would make me feel.

i'm nonbinary (afab) and when i was a kid, i was not allowed to play with barbies. my mom had a similar opinion as sasha about barbies, that they were a bad representation of women and really just reproduced gender roles, so i grew up with other dolls (i think i had an our generation doll) and stuffed animals and littlest pet shops. i was always so jealous of other girls who had American girl dolls and barbies because they were cool and i wanted so desperately to be cool. at the same time, however, i didn't want to be like other girls. i was tomboyish and as soon as i could dress myself, i stopped wearing dresses and anything pink. in fact, i detested pink and only relinquished my negative opinions about pink in the last few years of high school.

watching this movie has brought so many conflicting emotions to the forefront of my mind about womanhood and femininity. i felt like i couldn't process properly while watching the movie because i was watching it with my dad and brother. i love them dearly and they are feminists and openminded and all that, but there is something about watching a movie that is a celebration of womanhood and humanness while being the only one with those experiences in the room. we were connected and bonding as a family, and at the same time, i have never felt more isolated. there were several points throughout the movie where i wanted to burst into tears but i just swallowed it down and let the feeling burn in my chest because i knew i would not have the words to explain why i was crying to people who are, ultimately, men.

i saw myself in sasha as she navigates becoming a teen and discovering herself outside of her relationship to her mother and the way that manifests in closing yourself off and rebuffing any attempt at connection and love with her mom. i saw myself in gloria as she laid out the maze of social expectations women are meant to navigate 24/7 and what that kind of pressure does to a person. she says "i don't even know" as her conclusion and i felt like i was kicked in the chest. everything is so hard and you can understand the patriarchy and systems of oppression on a cognitive level but to let yourself sit in that understanding and fully emerse yourself in your oppression is a terrifying prospect and in all genuineness, i'd rather not. i saw myself in stereotypical barbie who has lived her entire life believing in her own power and being told "women can be anything!" only to step out into the real world and learn insecurity and objectification and the fundamental unease of existing in a male-dominated world.

i think i need to rewatch the barbie movie again either alone or with my mom or literally anyone else who has the same experiences. i love my dad and my brother but we cannot connect on the same level about it.

[ultfreakme]

Hi.....Do you mind if I ask you some random thing? I used to love shounen and shoujo manga equally....But ever since I found BL manga 3 years ago, my interest in shoujosei (especially het romance) decrese a lot, and what I search for is just the dynamic between mc (male) and male lead...I don't want to read mc (female) and male lead or mc (male) and female lead...And what I want to read mostly are just mlm or wlw stories....

What do you think is happening to me? Is it really weird?

I don't mind at all go ahead with random asks(as long as it's not about my personal life or anything I'm chill most of the time)!!

I remember this happening to me when I was a wee lass about 607 years ago when I discovered BL/GL not straight content. I just fully stopped consuming shojo and josei. I don't think it's weird, I've seen a lot of people say that they exclusively read and watch BL stuff. Nothing strange is happening to you(I remember feeling like that as a kid), it might be a shift in the perspective of storytelling. Or, lbr, the hot boys are being hot and the cute boys are being cute without any misogyny being shoved in our faces all the time so it's fun.

From my experience, I think I made the switch because I found a lot of BLs to be way less toxic solely because there wasn't a female character to impose dumb misogynistic hetero-conforming stereotypes on. I think about 70% of the shojo manga I read was very toxic and I read them when I was in middle school and high school with no ability to parse that what's right in fiction isn't good in real life. Shojo mangas were fun because I used to like romance, and a lot of the stories were about normal or 'ugly' girls finding their perfect prince charming bad boy, becoming beautiful and living happily ever after.

It was wish fulfillment, self-insert a lot of the time, and I wanted what the MC female characters had because apprently getting a hot boyfriend and getting pretty was the key to happiness. Except....as I grew up I realized the perfect love interest guys are actually all weird af. Shojo mangas often reinforce a lot of heterosexual ideas. Like a boy being mean to a girl is romantic interest, losing your virginity is a big special thing, that you just have to dress prettier and wear makeup and have a glo-up otherwise your life will remain shit(oh you glasses-wearing HEATHEN lmaooo). Something in my brain went, "this is what i want? this strange song and dance of tolerating bad behaviour and changing myself entirely is what I should do?". The happy ending was also always a wedding, pregnancy and having two kids(which fucking terrified me). And so, shojo and josei fully lost their appeal.

BL and GL though......there is no self-insert, there is no heterosexual gendered biases coming into play. The couples are made to stand on equal footing without anyone going "you're a girl so I'll protect you" or "you're a guy so I'll take care of you and cook for you" or whatever. I'm not a guy, so all my irl issues are FULLY detached and irrelevant in BL stories. Also I discovered around the same time I was bisexual/pansexual/some fucking queer thing. And around this time, BL webtoons were so different with their plots like I got romance + fantasy settings or sci-fi settings or crime dramas etc. I haven't read many GL, Tamen De Gushi and The Guy She Was Interested in Wasn't a Guy At All are the more prominent ones I remember, I think for GL i usually consume western media so I can't say much on GL manga.

I just, got tired of seeing heterosexual romance because in josei and shojo, those dialogues and ideas that define their relationship often actively dismissed queer relationships and as a baby queer, that didn't sit right with me. "We're a guy and a girl who hang out a lot, so we have to be romantically interested" or "I'm just girl, I can't help but like being in the arms of a guy" or "She's a girl, and she's tiny and I like holding her" blah blah BLAH.

BL ALSO does this but at least someone in-story would go "actually no fuck you my looks don't mean anything" even if it's once or twice and ultimately it at least looks like a choice that they fall into certain 'roles'. And in the GL media I saw, this doesn't even come up as a thing to discuss. Society isn't forcing them to be anything, in fact their parents and friend circles are weirded out about it at times.

I actually stopped reading BLs now too tbh. I like action/adventure and fighting plots so the romance genre doesn't give me much. I don't know your specific reason for switching to mainly BL and GL, but I gotta say, it's hard to find the really good stuff in shojo/josei sometimes and the kind of romances they have are kind of formulaic if that's the focus of the story. There are a bunch shojo/josei I still remember fondly; NANA, Princess Jellyfish, Kaleido Star, SKIP! Beat, Akatsuki No Yona etc. I'm sure there are a bunch of shojo and josei that are probably really good and explores the idea of being a girl or a woman or femme-aligned in a modern setting well, but I think the irl setting no fantasy days of het romance are over for me.

I'd just like to repeat that enjoying BL and GL and not reading shojo or josei isn't weird. The differentiation of BL or LGBTQIA+ romances and straight romances make less sense to me day after day because shojo mangas and Shonen Ai or Shojo Ai are the exact same genre at the end of the day; romance. You like romance. The configuration of the couple doesn't mean too much because despite the baggage that comes with a queer romance it's still a love story.

[synergysilhouette]

Choices review: The Freshman

Everyone talks highly of this series, so I thought I'd share my thoughts on it. Just gonna get this out of the way: This could've been GOC. There's no reason it couldn't be--though I will admit that this means Kaitlyn would either become playersexual (which some fans think would dilute her journey) or remove her as an LI entirely and just make her a platonic friend like Zac--though if MC is GOC, this could be tricky. You'd probably have to reduce their screentime if (depending on your gender) there was no reason you couldn't romance them. I don't wanna advocate for monosexuality for LIs in a romance game for obvious reasons. And since it's been a while since I played this, my review may change after replaying it or remembering certain details.

Book 1 focuses on the beginning of your journey at Hartfield University. I don't recall this book from start to finish, but it certainly had a lot of drama. For one, all three LIs are pushed your way, with Kaitlyn having a crush on you and realizing she's a lesbian, stereotypical sorority girls being possessive of jock Chris, and the studious James asks you to be his fiance for his parents. All this tied together with becoming an assistant to an English professor with a big ego just so you can keep going to college. Crazy, right? I do wish there was less pressure on the romance side. What if you had no interest in James? That'd make the lying to his parents even MORE uncomfortable, and while you and Kaitlyn work it out, I certainly wish she'd had a crush on someone else since it feels awkward if you don't feel the same. And I'm just gonna say I wish Zack had a more standout design; I know he's not a love interest, but he's one of the major characters, and yet he feels plain.

Book 2 focuses on your winter quarter at Hartfield and being a part of James' play, as well as helping Chris running for student president. Again, I do feel like forcing Kaitlyn our way with a kiss felt very awkward; if she didn't have feelings for us prior to this, it would've been fine, but it almost feels like we're leading her on or not letting her work out her sexuality. And Becca needs to go, especially since I was romancing Chris from the start, and her "not as bad as Sebastian" stuff really didn't absolve her to me--especially with her actions later on. And knowing what I know about how Sebastian's future goes, it's weird that the gang rallied around how Chris became a better person despite his criminal history in high school, but the theme of "redemption" doesn't translate too much.

Book 3 focuses on your spring quarter at Hartfield, when you meet a new LI, Kaitlyn joins a band, and dealing with classism at the school. While I like Zig, I'm not a fan of how he's essentially a repeat of Chris, having a criminal record prior to Hartfield, especially since this was covered with Chris in the previous book. I read somewhere that Sebastian made a stereotypical comment towards Zig due to his heritage, though I'd never heard the Latino-barista stereotype before; I thought him having a criminal record felt a bit more stereotypical, in that regard, along with his aggression. It would've been nice if he was written as a kid from a military family with a positive upbringing; his rough home life reminded me of the golden boy from MTFL, and it would've been nice if he was just sheepish and shy rather than confrontational--though I'm assuming the writers did that the contrast with the rest of the gang's easygoing vibe. I do feel weird about James' publicist coming onto him, and it feels like it should've been a bigger deal than it was.

Book 4 is a mini-book that focuses on the gang's summer vacation during a cross-country road trip. It kind of hurt my heart because of Brandon and Zack's relationship being broken for seemingly no reason. I get that the writers were trying to be a bit more realistic with relationships in this series, but I'd have preferred better buildup with the breakup rather than it being so random, or not break them up at all. It would've also been nice if Teddy was an actual LI for him; it was weird that it fizzled out but then we see Teddy again and ahve the option to ask why he didn't call Zack. I also think it's interesting how Zig reveals he's bisexual and it never comes up again--not that sexuality is a personality trait, but it would've been nice to see him talk more about his experience, not just the negative stereotypes he experienced, as well as the option to hook him up with someone similar to Kaitlyn and James. It's a really fun book, though--and it makes me want a Scooby-Doo-inspired Choices book ASAP.

Book 5 (Book 1 of "The Sophomore") sees you begin your sophomore year! After a less than savory living arrangement, you and your friends decide to take over a foreclosed house together, and you eventually invite Becca to live with you, and a little while later, you can date her. However, she hasn't been fully redeemed, as she tries to sabotage her so-called "best friend" since she replaced her as their sorority's new House President. It's really twisted, especially as Madison feels super guilty about it and just wants to be friends. It's pretty toxic, and I don't recall if this led to Madison giving up her position for Becca. I also feel like it's weird that James gets a love interest with Reyna when in one of the special books (which I don't cover), it's noted that he has someone who likes him. Why she isn't just made a love interest, I don't know. I did also feel bad for the pressures Chris faces being the captain of the football team. And honestly given the issue with Zig's criminal record being the hot topic a few books ago, I'm surprised his sexuality isn't mentioned to cause friction among the football team, like an exaggerated version of what happened with Manny. Granted, he was comfortable with his sexuality, and any issues regarding it would essentially feel similar to Kaitlyn's arc, but it's a thought. Btw, I love that the characters get new outfits in the Sophomore year.

Book 6 (Book 2 of "The Sophomore") has you trying to keep your house from being condemned after it's sabotaged. It was actually sabotaged by Sebastian, who tried to make amends at your house party, but only Tyler believes him. Rejected and with everyone assuming the worst of him, he sabotages the house and reports it to the house inspector, hoping you get a fine--only to be horrified that you get condemned instead. ...Really? Why are Becca and Sebastian so toxic even when they're trying to be better? Becca tries to ruin her best friend's reputation when she replaces her, and Sebastian is so lonely he's willing to get the people who rejected his friendship in trouble. But despite their spoiled and unhinged ways, I've gotta call out the hypocrisy here: the gang talks about Zig and Chris being more than their past mistakes, but they sure know how to hold a grudge against those who made recent mistakes--not that they can't do that, but it feels like they're going against their morals. Both Sebastian and Becca tried to screw over their friends, but Becca's the one who gets to stay with us and continue being high-maintenance? We may as well have moved Sebastian in too; I wanted more of him after this book (though the amount of headaches he and Becca could cause together is HIGH). Meanwhile, Tyler and Abby's relationship is fraying and part of me hoped Tyler would end up being bi and being with Sebastian (not that two men can't have platonic relationships with each other; I'm game with Sebastian ending up with MC, too), Chris' dad returning feels like it should've been a bigger arc, and a part of me wishes that Zig had been in dance the whole time, and I do wish we'd gotten more into the conversation about how sexual harassment/assault is common in the MLM community and that Manny definitely deserved worse punishment.

Book 7 (Book 1 of "The Junior") sees you getting an apartment with your LI and investigating a prank gone wrong. Your stay with your LI is pretty rough at first, and I feel like it could've been better-written to reflect the characters' personalities, though I respect the "break up/make up" option because of it. It would've been neat if your LI was annoyed by some of your choice- based decisions, as well. Entering a "fratority" with some dark secrets was fun, and it felt like it could've existed as it's own series rather than one book in a series. It definitely feel like it could've been more darker and mysterious than it ended up being. Though I will admit that despite not romancing him, I'm not huge on the "you can romance a twist villain" because when they're revealed to be bad, it makes your relationship feel like it's been for nothing. I do love that we can give the characters makeovers, though; it's nice to see them in new outfits and hairstyles.

Book 8 (Book 1 of "The Senior") has you figuring out your future ahead of graduation! I do wish we'd had a bit more legroom with what kind of writer we wanted to be and what profession we wanted to do in general. I also would've liked if we could've played as Kaitlyn and decided what kind of sound/visual her band's upcoming album would have. I don't have too many notes on this book, though I do hate how you have to go the sacrifice route; after you get a job offer, your LI is also successful with their career and is going to be in another part of the world; they essentially cut down your dreams, and it not only feels OOC, it feels almost manipulative. In the end, you have to decide if you want to go with them (and maybe find another job), make them give up their dream, or break up and you each follow your own paths. It's essentially a story with no clear winners, though I personally chose to go with them to pursue their dream.

Overall, I see why the series is iconic, and it's continuity over the app's growth really shows in it's quality, though I do wish we'd gotten more books for the junior and senior years, as well as fixing certain character issues and plot points. See you at my next review! Working on TRR right now, but let me know if there's a particular series you want reviewed! I've already done HSS, TRE, D&D, and AME. For now, I'm only making reviews for completed series, AKA 2 or more books (not counting holiday/special books) and the story is not currently in development (ie BOLAS, ID, COP).

[lilisouless]

so, saw the total drama revival and in conclussion

so worst to best

-Caleb like it says, hardly counts as a character and compared to Justin from Gen 1 his good looks gag wasn't used in a way thats as hilarious

-Chase , couldnt' wait to see him go. He is a jerk , sometimes its so much of a jerk its amusing so he wasn't unbereable to watch but it really bothered me that him and emma getting back together was his ending and have the feeling they were trying to frame him as a lovable idiot sometimes (sometimes, its pretty ambiguous) and he is not lovable at all

-Ripper is disgusting i hated his fart jokes , he is not under Chase because some parts where he revealed how mistreated he was by his family were kind of clever and amusing, very dark humor but kind of funny how casually he says so

-Emma may actually be my least favorite, how her character always go back to be defined by Chase was eye rolling , exasperating, i think she had potential but got boring lately, which is sad because she was actually competent

Next characters i actually like

-Nichelle was simple ,had a short subplot and went home. I still like how she was nice to the other contestants despite being vain and actually tried on her last two challenges (even getting over her breakdown)

-Axel was too unfairly voted off, i would have kicked Ripper out of the ship too, also had funny bits on the finale. She is better than G1 Eva

-I don't actually like MK as a person but i think she was used good, other seasons would have completely waste her, her whole ploy was good drama fuel, i kind of like overall that the characters are less high school stereotypes and more parodies of people you would actually see on a reality show

-Same with Millie, she was (kind of the point) not quite a good person or a good friend to Priya but it made sense and was used pretty good. I would have wished her elimination and the finale were separated episodes so her apology was more efective on Priya

-Wayne and Raj were kind of adorable, sure a parody of dumb teenagers , but this guys are good kids.

-Zee was nice, too dumb for his own sake but nice

-Scary girl , i actually don't mind her being eliminated too soon, she not only deserved that but she was a clear comic relief and was retired gloriously so her jokes won't get all. She was funny and did what her character was meant to do

-Damien was kind of a nice subversion, i asumed he would trow away the challenges to get eliminated and be as useless as Dave G3 but susprisingly got out of his way to not being a load and saved his team once. Also his whole thing about not knowing what the show was about was funny.

-Bowie would be in best contestants but i feel that there was some of a lack after the first episodes and didn't came back until later , still pretty smart, like his ambition and calculating nature. Makes a really good villain that is actually likeable

-Priya deserved the win, i wish there was some come around on her parents´s abuse but maybe that will be on season 2. She is everything people think Courtney was, she is actually good both on the competition and a good person, not to say the most sympathetic so the win is satisfying

-Julia was a nice surprise. I normally hate cartoonishly evil mean girls (hey, Heather evolved!) but she actually compensanted by being one hell of a good competitor, you have to respect this girl. Also from a narrative point, her overconfidence was both her biggest strenght and herbiggest weakness, thats the best narrative out there...too good for total drama honestly.

[noyoucannotpushthevoid]

So, observation based on, admittedly, not the best experimental group: far too many variables, heightened emotions cause we're all stuck together in the middle of nowhere for 2 months, and lack of a proper control group; I am also not a scientist, I enjoy the subject only in very very specific circumstances

That being said, for a little more context I've worked at the same summer camp for a couple years now, though the 2 in person years are the only ones that are actually relevant. Due to the way the camp was originally set up, most of the campers are boys and most of my coworkers are men in their 20s (mostly white, but due to lack of information to compare to I don't know how much this actually impacts my observations. I just figured I'd note it because when I say mostly, I mean about 90% of the staff).

I was talking to one of my coworkers the other day. She's someone I consider one of my best camp friends. She is very adamant that she's never going to work there again. We were just kind of shooting the breeze and talking a bit about the summer, which was objectively incredibly traumatizing for many staff and campers. This led to me expressing frustration about when I would talk to some of my other coworkers I would be talked over and essentially kicked out of conversations about the event that I ended up being at the center of and still pisses me off and worries me to this day ('cause there are out of camp parts too. Unfortunately, it didn't stop when camp did). I'll be overshadowed because 'oh poor so-and-so had this comparatively minor but related thing happen to him'. I will not begrudge him that it was a horrible infringement on his privacy. That being said a conversation goes both ways and I'd also like to vent about that night. Especially considering that person and the group we're both in are some of the only people who will actually be able to understand what happened, why I acted the way I did, and not just stare at me in object horror.

Then thinking of "poor so-and-so" leads me to the point of this rant.

There is still one more bit of context though: I hung out with almost exclusively girls in high school. Therefore, I have had firsthand experience with the whole stereotypical "teenage girls are petty and catty and two-faced". And they did act like that occasionally, but did I also act that way in high school sometimes? Yea.

So, with all this context my ultimate question is, why have I seen that behavior a lot more in men in there 20s, rather than teenage girls?

"Poor so-and-so" and all of his friends spent the entire summer talking about people behind their backs, even when it made them hypocrites. Because of the fact that it's a limited staff most of his friends are the remainder of the men in their 20s. Given this though, let's compare since there were literal teenage girls on staff, most of whom didn't act that way at all. Everyone at that camp gossips, there's really nothing else to talk about in the end, but at least if one of the girls had a problem with me or with someone else, they'd either say it to the person's face or have someone else talk to the person...They'd rant and rave about it sure, but none of them would spread rumors or keep petty grudges.

Specific Comparison Examples: I shared a living space with "poor so-and-so" and a couple other men for part of the summer. And for the rest of the summer I lived with the women (none of this is related to why my living quarters were shifted, that's more due to space and new staff being brought on board who couldn't live with the women), whose living quarters were right next to the girls and had a shared bathroom with them.

Was I a dick that one time I stayed up til one in the morning playing a really loud game of dnd? Yes, unquestionably.

Was I also very obnoxious those couple of times I forgot to clear my hair out of the shower drain? You can guess the answer, it's just like all the others...yes.

But the difference is the girls, women, and I all had a sit down conversation where we went over things that the others did that pissed us off and set new ground rules. Versus the men telling me offhandedly to not be so loud again and me apologizing. Yet like 6 fucking months later every single fucking time my relationship with those men are mentioned it gets brought up as the reason why they still dislike me (there are plenty of other, more justified reasons for them to dislike me, I'm not an easy person to actually get along with. I definitely said and did worse things). I also never fucking did it again. I postponed the final session of that campaign for three months just so I would be respectful and not continue to be a dick.

It makes me want to scream.

TL;DR Why men in 20s act more like stereotypical teenage girls than teenage girls? And can the grow up and stop hating me for one minor thing I did 6 months ago? Like they're the adults, why are 7 14-17 year old girls far far more mature than them (I have my guesses for sure, but like it's not a good look especially considering the teenage boys, some of them, were also far more mature than these men. I was just comparing my experience with these men to that with the teenage girls whose stereotype the men embody)?

Thank you for your time. I hope you enjoyed your glimpse into the pit of bottomless rage that I am

[ethicallysourcedhumanmeat]

Accidentally took my adderall twice so now its 1am academic dread hours.

I regret auditioning with a big ballad to some extent. Under regular circumstances it was a good song that covered most of my range and demonstrated all my strengths well but with the specific teacher (well 2 but one is semi retired now) at school i work with it has me incredibly pigeon holed.

Working with J again has really showcased the nagging things I couldn't articulate. It made me realize that i was really losing all the personality from my voice.

There's this very specific way A teaches that is singular to the stereotypical way people expect to hear opera music. If you've heard someone say they're classically trained and they sound the same singing any other genre, they've probably learned in this way. I'm realizing this is what was really bothering me about the way I was sounding in some of my solos at the end of the year. My voice was starting to become homogeneous with these two teachers, and it was turning me off from exploring more classical songs

But for uni auditions I have to have classical répertoire so I'm seeing J this summer.

And yeah, I brought O Mio to him and he made some points this week and it was illustrative of the difference from this classically educated vocalist to A who is a classically trained instrumentalist and self taught vocalist. First I am a mezzo not contralto. i can sing contralto bc my full range covers it and my voice is the right color, but my passagio mezzo (could be soprano with a little work but my color doesn't really support that).

But J described O Mio as like melodramatic teen, with a side of like the way the father is veiwing her as both his little girl and an autonomous adult. A described it as this serious moment of female pain and power and how sad it it is etc.

Then J told me that the Moment is really the final A5, and then the last note, I could hold the first A5 for the drama but really the other 3 should just be movement, there's nothing added emotionally in making every A5 a dramatic moment and it takes away the punch of the ending. He also told me all those notes have movement so I need to slide into the next note not just hold them and then vibrato out or the preformance starts to feel disconnected. the piece is also played like 5bpm faster than the accompaniment I have.

A gave me the accompaniment (I suspect he may have slowed it down). He had me hold every high A and I had to maintain that high A until i couldn't and then vibrato out. 4 A5s (and one lower note i forget rn bc its not the tip top of my range) with 15-20sec holds.

in the end J had me sing it like I would 'any other song' and it was way more comfortable, it sounded way more connected, it was easier to breathe and acess the high notes. The difference was the shape of my mouth was less severe, my tongue was less rigid, there was less tension in my body and jaw bc I wasnt maintaining the 'classical method". Yet it still sounded operatic.

in the end J told me proper technique shouldn't make a voice homogenous across genres. Technique translates regardless.

Ouside of that tho, back on the ballad thing. I feel like I'm going to have to have acome to jesus with A bc I am so sick of them. And genuinely he went on and on about my 2nd semester pieces being below me just because they didn't push my range, both those songs had challenges to them he could have instructed me on but instead he just acted like a baby bc I didn't do some Strisand shit (literally he suggested Strisand lmao).

The qualifier for dificulty shouldn't be pushing the edge of my range and limits of my lung capacity. I can belt safely and well, I can hold for 30+seconds and on a good day I can hit a C6. That doesn't mean that a song is only difficult if I'm belting notes over G5 and honestly soprano is not a range I enjoy hearing my voice in that range.

Vocal dysphoria means once I hit c5 everything starts to sound nasal and out of tune to me, aside from hating the sound I can't monitor myself to practice, I have to rely on other people to tell me I'm in tune and then memorize the physical feeling of all the little adjustments in my larnyx as I move through those notes.

I mean I guess it's definitely a difficulty level, but I feel like I should be graded singing in hard mode not nightmare.

[dine-on-nervine]

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN…

you had your first crush? I believe it was the first grade. Sylvia was her name and I have no idea why.

you had your first kiss? Age 4. Jennifer was her name, though my mother might say it was in the same frame with a girl by the name of Shauna who I have pictures of but do not remember.

you had your first boyfriend or girlfriend? After a few strikeouts, there was Joyetta, who asked me. Amusing way to start; I met her at summer camp but she went to my church (somehow I hadn't seen her there but her mother ran the nursery school), and she broke up with me to go for some other guy who gave her candy. She became a stoner who was sexually active in junior high. *shrug*

you made your first best friend? I met Brian in kindergarten.

you had your first break-up with a significant other? I will cite Karen when I was 17, because she was the most meaningful person. Cassie might have been a bit before that but it wasn't as painful.

you started your period (if you’re a girl)? --

you got engaged? The less said about Trish the better, but it was at the end of my college experience so call it 24.

you got married? I'm not married now, and you have to know me better to get answers on certain things I don't put online.

you lost your virginity? 18, with Jaleh. She said it was boring, but she'd had plenty of experience to compare to.

you had your first child? I don’t have kids.

you first moved out of your house? College so 18.

you graduated high school? I was 18.

you started college? A month from 19.

you moved out of your house permanently? I still say 18, though I had a stint or two of about 3 weeks where I had to go back home because I was between apartments. Not good times.

you first cut yourself? I never did.

you first thought about suicide? Fifteen. Untenable situation at home.

you learned your first swear word? Birth. No, seriously, my parents didn't censor themselves so I knew every bad word except the one that starts with F in the crib.

you started swearing? Probably when I got into school, so 5-6. I knew they were bad words so knew not to use them around my parents even if they used them around me, but on the playground all is fair.

you had your first date? I don't know how to answer that. I never did the stereotypical "take someone out" thing in high school or college, but I did have a few get-together-with-someone-to-do-stuff instances that I could call dates in retrospect. Okay, so how about I say that since I asked Karen at camp to join me for the end-of-week dressup event when I was 16? That was a hoot and life-changing, and everyone was wondering how I managed to get a non-camper. :-D

you had your first sleepover? The aforementioned Brian would have birthday parties with sleepovers when we were in early elementary school, so call it first grade and thereby age 6-7.

you were first baptized? I have a photo of this on my bedroom wall! I look like I'm like at most six months old. I'd have to dig some paperwork up to find the exact date but I'm going to go with "a baby".

you were baptized and it meant something? This has never happened. Not for not wanting it to, I would have really liked that as a teenager, but that's now how life went and I learned to accept it.

you made your first huge regret? Age 6.

you felt mature? I made a note in my journal when I was 19-20 when Steve in college told his son to respect a grownup (speaking about ME!) because that was the first time anyone had said I was an adult. This doesn't mean I felt mature, but I did feel like I had reached a milestone when other people were seeing me as mature.

you first were in love with someone? I point to Lisa in the fifth grade, about a year before she got pregnant by some older dude, so that would be age 11. I have no idea why I was so hung up on her. She still messages me every few years for some reason.

you first experienced love at first sight? LOL, I normally say it was the third grade, Jill, but in a more meaningful way it was later than that and I can't seem to pinpoint who and when that right this moment. I will say that I have met people that I have vibed with immediately (my last two girlfriends) and getting together with them worked naturally, not so much "love at first sight" as "we met across a crowded room and knew we must be together." My parents have told two stories about how they met and it was "across a crowded room" when they were in their 20s... one story says it was at a funeral, the other story says it was at a party at my maternal grandparents' house and my mother could drink more beer than my father had ever seen a woman consume. I haven't had confirmation which is true but it can actually be both, funerals are how my parents met and that party is how they got connected. Both stories are fucking hilarious.

you first encountered God? 15. Thunderstorms and deep lyrics can do that to a person.

you started going to church? "Meaningfully" is the divider here, because I was attending as a really little kid (my mother was the organist) but it was around age 8 that I started going to Sunday school. When I was sent to the church summer camp at 10, that's when it started to mean something to me... or rather, my mother insisted that I had to go to church every week if I wanted to go to camp (which almost none of the other campers at my church did, for the record!!) so there I was until age 18 going to church so I could get clearance from my mother to go to camp, which I lived for.

you got drunk for the first time? I wasn't much of a drinker as a teenager, but let's say that I had a buzz at 17 on a couple occasions. The first hangover, wow, that was graduation practice at 18. The guidance counselor leading the practice knew 1/4 of us were fucked up and had no mercy on our hungover asses.

you first tried drugs? It's only been pot and I was 19. Like Bill Clinton, I didn't inhale, and it wasn't until the next time (I wrote down the date!) when I was with my best friend that I got stupidly high.

you started to think about your appearance? I still don't.

you first joined Facebook? Not sure. I had an account for a decade, it got closed by FB because I didn't have my real name on it (I was reported by one of Mike Huckabee's minions) and thus I lost connection to two people who had passed on, and I've had the replacement for like five years. So let's assume 2008 then.

you got a cell phone? The year was 2008. I still have it as a backup.

you got your own laptop? This was in my 30s, and I have it in storage. Someone cast off the Win98 machine they were using in my direction when they upgraded.

you got your own digital camera? I think I was 31. Agfa 780c, which was a primative sub-megapixel machine. I don't still have it because I loaned it to a friend (so he could snap nudes of his babymama) and the batteries corroded so destroyed the camera. Since the camera had its own formatting OS, no, whatever was on the card was inaccessable if the camera itself was dead.

you got your own car? Age 29.

you got your driver’s license? Age 18 by court order.

you first got pregnant? Me personally, I haven't. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of my spunk, I do have stories that again you'd have to know me to hear, but there were no survivors.

you felt alive for the first time? Late September, 2013. Got my semicolon tattoo last year to commemorate it.

[sparklywastelandmentality]

So, this is the first time I have done something like this as far as -actually- deciding to just vent. I love to write and I love to journal and unfortunately sometimes shit happens in life that really just gets under my skin, or I just had a thought about nothing in particular that my mind goes down rabbit holes on that I happen to find interesting. However, I don't always have my journal and pen with me whilst I'm out and about. Sometimes, that shit's a bummer. So yeah, essentially I have decided to come here and talk through some stuff.

Probably like most people, I have problems with emotion management. Anger, more specifically. For as long as I can remember, I have lived most in anger. I imagine I am not alone in this boat. Having been in and out of therapy off and on since I was a teenager, they have all concluded that I have Manic BiPolar Depression. I guess that's different from 'regular' depression somehow? Granted the way I perceive an emotion (whatever it may be) could be different from how my neighbor or husband feels the same emotions. Everyone's different. Living with BPD feels like you're a visitor in your own body. It feels like you're only allowed to pop in and say 'hi' when it gets bored or tired. When I feel that feeling I get a small glimmer of relief until it decides that it wants me to go back in this little box in the corner of my mind. All the high days are great when they happen and low days are still pretty rough, yet have become easier to manage (without medications) as time has continued to drone on. Feeling like I'm not allowed to have control over my emotions and feelings further perpetuates and deepens the loop of what most would call "self-sabotage".

As time has gone on, I have found it easier with time for me to get along with myself for a lack of a better way of putting it. Much like the rest of the world, my upbringing was fucking bullshit. I can't and am REFUSING to speak for anyone else when I say that my flesh portals into this realm were absolute, hot garbage. Both are also to blame for ALMOST EVERYTHING wrong with me. When it came to handling anger, my father had no issue telling you what was on his mind and how dumb you were for trying to do shit that was ill-explained in the beginning prior to starting tasks. He was a screamer and leaned towards the physical side of expressing this emotion in particular. If I were to -try- and take the time to explain to you some of the stories; this post would never end. My mother, on the other hand, when dealing with her anger she's a massively petty and childish individual. Just imagine the stereotypical high school mean girl, add meth and about fifteen to eighteen years and there ya go. Some of the fights we have had in the past had ended with me walking away because I don't want my fucking heartbroken by literally the one person we are all just supposed to trust from day one, by saying and quote, "I was only a bad parent because you didn't come with the instruction manual when you were born." Like, excuse me, bitch? CHILDREN HAVE NEVER EVER come with instruction Manuel's and it should NEVER be the oldest siblings' responsibility to 'step up' to the plate and raise the other sibling(s). Unfortunately, none of us got that choice. And if you were/are in a situation like that, I'm sorry and my heart hurts for you. As forementioned with my father, my mother would probably have to have her own post... DON'T DO METH KIDS!

So yeah, with those two 'shining' examples of homosapiens getting me started in life and watching the way they handled their anger, that's what I thought was okay and acceptable, and having to spend so far eighty-six percent of my life alone, I am having to work super fucking hard to make sure that I don't end up like them and I would say so far so good. Growing up I had a dream about becoming a professional wrestler and I am so thankful to whatever ultimate power there is out there, that I actually get to wake up and be excited about life because I get to say I am the only one in the immediate family that has had a dream as crazy as this (maybe they did, I don't give a shit.) In a weird way, I feel like I'm above them. That may sound crude to those who only read this and will never have the misfortune of meeting my mother (father died, just waiting on the last one to go at this point.) "You shouldn't talk about her that way, she's your mom." Yeah well, just the same as she shouldn't have picked meth over her kids. If she decides to get clean, good for her, if not, still no skin off my shoulders there pal. I'm living my dream, she smoked hers away. She had the chance when she was a junior in High school to become a full-out actual model. She fucked that off by getting her a tattoo just because she wanted it -in the moment- without it thinking about the toll it would have on her life later down the road.

Yeah, I know we're all fucked up, shaken never stirred and always sit a little too far over to the left, and everyone has issues that are similar if not pretty close. I just don't know anyone in real life that I feel I can talk to about these types of things. I would talk to my husband about it but I stopped doing so when I started listening to myself as I talked. Repetition, Repetition, Repetition. I got self-conscious about talking the poor man's ear off about the same stupid shit. As his wife I am supposed to be there and make sure his life is positive and not the other way around. I guess in a weird way, it would be kind of nice to know that I'm not alone right now. In my day to day activities I am the only person I know of who has BPD. Shit is lonely. Almost isolating.

Sorry for the long post if you made it this far, neat! Thanks for indulging me, friends.