#my head's in a million places
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October grows closer.
It is at once my favorite and least favorite time of year.
Every day, regardless of the month, of the year, I am in motion - my friends tell me I'm too hard on myself, some of them even tell me I work too hard, but I am in motion because I am constantly trying to outrun the obsessive belief that harasses me all day and night; I need to justify the space I take up.
I don't feel this way about anyone else. I don't think anyone else needs to justify their own existence.
I'm constantly looking for forgiveness, for someone to say, 'you've finally done enough good to have outweighed the harm you've done (intentionally and/or unintentionally), good work! Now you can rest!'
October comes and reminds me of everything, makes the inside of me so loud, I can't focus.
I was a miracle baby, born at 11:59pm, October 23rd.
I'm a Jewish witch - I love the serious holidays that fall in October, pagan and Jewish, and I love seeing people in silly costumes at the end of it.
The night I turned sixteen, I finally confessed to my parents that I'd been abused most of my childhood. It was around midnight then too.
I had done something unintentionally cruel to a friend (unprocessed trauma makes for some weird fuckin' behaviors), and we weren't exactly on speaking terms. I knew it was my fault, I knew I'd been the fuck-up, but she was my best friend, and I needed her there that night. I called her up, and she showed up.
She wasn't pleased with me. She didn't get why she was there, and I told her first - before my parents.
I told her who had done it - someone she knew. Someone everyone I knew also knew.
"Do you believe me?" I asked.
"Yeah, [person] tried the same thing with me, when I was younger."
I was flabbergasted.
"What happened?"
"I called for my mom," she told me, "why didn't you call for help?"
I don't remember if I said it out loud or not, but the answer was; it hadn't occurred to me as an option, to call for help.
She spent the night, slept as I went downstairs to tell my parents the worst of it, as much as I could assemble the words.
("I think it started when I was around 7 but it could've been earlier than that," "when I went to their house, someone else might've been involved, but my memories are all messed up, I don't remember," "there was a knife - I don't know if everything is okay, down there but I'm too scared to look," "yes, that's why I'm always covered up," "yes, that's why I-" "yes, that's why -" "yes, that's why-")
I hadn't really said the words, I was vague and it was still like clawing up heavy stones from out of my chest.
I'd wanted to die with those secrets. It's a longer story as to why I couldn't - why it fell on my birthday, why I had to come forward or someone else would.
My friend was gone in the morning and distanced herself more permanently.
My parents turned it into a weapon - against each other, and against me. No one knew what to do with me, no one knew how to help, and no one felt particularly inspired to learn how to.
I remember going up the stairs to bed that night, and it felt like I was shedding weights as I climbed the stairs. I'd never felt lighter, I'd never slept better - I thought, 'oh, good, finally, all the Bad Feelings will stop, and I'll be normal.'
My mother co-opts it where she can, is sometimes disbelieving of it, sometimes reduces its severity, but it depends on her audience. My father doesn't speak of it at all, which is fine, because we don't speak and never really have.
The friends I had then - they didn't rally around me. Maybe a month later, I moved 1500 miles away from everyone and everything I'd ever known, and started again. Right in the middle of my Junior year of high school.
My birthday used to be a happy sort of day, and then it became so somber, and regardless of the mood, I was alone in it.
No one understood October 23rd like I did; every year past the year of my first suicide attempt (I was 11) was an incredible mile marker. I didn't think I'd make it that far, I didn't think I'd have it in me - it was a day I had been raised to allot for praising my mother for having given birth to me. It used to be for someone else. I didn't know how to make it about myself, and making it about myself always felt like some sort of trap.
But it was also the day I freed myself of terrible secrets, it's the day that I showed some of my scars and said, 'if I don't live honestly from here on out, I think the memories and secrets will kill me.'
As October nears, I know it will be a countdown to my birthday, because it always is in my own head - it's not just my birthday, it's a day that marks many things, unlikely things, improbable, miraculous, horrible, ugly things.
As it comes closer, the mantra in my head gets louder.
I need to find forgiveness. I need to justify the space I take up. I need to be more helpful, I need to be more active, I need to be smarter, I need to be more cultured, more accomplished, more well-rounded, I need to be more than I am, I need it to serve everyone, endlessly, and I need to smile while I do it, I need to be convenient, I need to try to do better all the time.
That feeling of not being enough encroaches upon me, and I want so badly to enjoy October, but I don't know if I can.
An ex-boyfriend I had dated at the time I came forward accused me of lying about never having had an orgasm in my life (I hadn't), because, "you've been having sex since you were like, five, you probably had it and just didn't know what it was - here, I'll show you."
(He couldn't show me, he didn't, but I faked it because I needed to be convenient.)
There are 4 occasions I can remember that he ignored my 'no,' or pushed past clear barriers, or took advantage of me when I wasn't in my right mind - 3 of them took place AFTER he knew.
With life-long friends dropping like flies, a 21 year old 'boyfriend' my parents LET date me at 15-16 pestering me for my body, the aforementioned situationship with someone who would tell me regularly how hard I was to love, my family retreating into themselves in the face of my trauma - I was falling with no net at the bottom to catch me.
I crashed at the bottom of it all, I picked myself up, and have spent all the years since apologizing for walking with a figurative limp.
The 21 year-old was convinced I'd cheated on him or something. I don't remember, and don't care to. I broke up with him over the phone. The situationship became my boyfriend for the 100th time since we'd known each other, and he was horrible to me, and I took it, and I was grateful for it, because all I knew was that I was hard to love.
So, here comes October.
I came forward 14 years ago. I'm turning 30. And it all still hurts. And I still don't know how to get through October.
The tattoo in my mind, the one that bang-bang-bangs all day and night, telling me I'm not doing enough to justify being alive, that I'm a burden, that I need to do more and be more all the time - it has an edge of fear to it as we inch closer to October. As if I'm running out of time. As if I need to find forgiveness from someone, somehow, and fast, or I might die before I find it, and I'll pay some terrible cosmic price for lacking so much.
I hope that someday, someone throws a birthday party for me. It doesn't have to be a surprise, just - I can't do it myself. I can't. Maybe more to the point - I won't.
And I hope that when they do, if they ever do, in this daydream where anyone gives half a shit about my birthday - I wish they'd tell me they're proud of me. I wish they'd announce that it's not just my birthday, but the anniversary of the night I unveiled the truth and clawed my way to some happiness.
Maybe someday, there will be a celebration of me - and it won't be about telling my mother how brave and heroic she was for the terrifying birth she gave, and it won't be about me entertaining friends that would drop me as soon as I became inconvenient, and it won't be legions of people, but just a small group, just a handful of people that really respect me, that know me, that see me and understand me, and tell me I'm worth something still, even after they know it all.
Maybe someday, October won't be so full of loneliness, fear, or utter surety that I'm fundamentally a bad person destined to be abandoned.
Not this year, but maybe some year. Maybe some October.
#long post#personal#melanie lives#SA mention#CSA mention#i know a lot of this must be disjointed and confused#my head's in a million places#if anyone wants to wish me a happy birthday when it comes#just tell me 'you've been good enough to make up for the bad'#that's the wish i guess right?#the real one is that i'll make it up somehow#to the universe or my parents or my past friends#'you left me and so that means i must have failed you or hurt you or disappointed you and im so sorry abt that but look at me now! see?'#'i worked so hard to be worthwhile. i hope that makes up for it all'#ugh sorry for being so maudlin
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Just gotta say I’m absolutely delighted you don’t give ghost chiseled ass abs, that man needs all the strength he can get and the meat on his bones feels much more realistic/healthy than him having vanity esc muscles :)
Manifesting your days are well!! <3
Big. Big man. Mountain to climb :)
Hope your days are well, too! Thank you <3
#ask#anon ask#my art#sketch#simon ghost riley#look at that... making me actually practice anatomy to pin down an answer. Well done friend#I wrote out a long reply to explain why I draw him like this but tbh I’m just an artist#I don’t know anything about bodies and healthy habits so instead I just give u this#he big. he strong. he good to cuddle and hold#ily artists that draw him chiseled. Godspeed. draw those three million muscles that I can’t name or place#it’s honestly so impressive#in my head he just doesn’t give a shit about how his body looks. only how it works#I also just…. love this body type 🥹
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#mizoro#my art#one piece#if baratie arc had been up to me it would have gone like this (joking)#i looove... suspended motion kiss .. or any kiss had during the heat of a confrontation between rivals/enemies. something about it!!!#i would just draw a million iterations of this klimt if i could. i had the idea to do one for mizo some months ago#but with hawk-eyes kissing the scarred eye instead. but this is much better!#wasnt supposed to be mizo in the first place fjdsfds.. i was just watching an amv and a frame of zuro rushing head-long at you caught my ey#and i was like. i have got to draw the back of his head like that klimt painting. and made it up from there#and then i thought about going with ZS but i couldnt figure out how to make sanj's fighting style interact with zuro orz
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Concept sketch for a Knives planet gunsmoke figure set because I'm completely fucking insane and I'm losing my mind
#trigun#trigun fanart#my art#millions knives fanart#millions knives#trigun figures#the planet gunsmoke#mostly based off the Meryl set because istg its the best one#i feel like they just gave up with vash after Meryl and wolfwood because his seems sm less quality ???#he could have a little playset too..like a bar or something#comes with alcohol and his weird head tie and a drunk kitty figure like that would be so cute ...#his feels so plain in comparison#also this is me dying mad that knives never gets any cool figures.#ahem...🤓 like he isnt one of the most integral characters to the story ...🤓#like he wasn't responsible for the entirety of trigun even happening in the first place.#whatever. this is the face of someone who doesn't care#🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
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IT WASN'T A DREAM!
And now I gotta figure out this blue!
#my head is spinning#my thoughts are all over the place#I got five million words#yet nothing is making sense and the world is upside down#wandee goodday#I need a breather#I need Jesus#I need a bottle of wine#I NEED A MOMENT!
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There is just something about Echo and Rex’s relationship that makes me wanna scream. There’s so much history and love and respect and I cant even begin to describe how much they mean to me.
The way they reunite on Skako. The way Rex’s face looks when he sees Echo is alive. The way Echo squeezes Rex’s hand back.
Rex basically giving Echo his blessing to go with the batch. Reinforcing the idea that Echo belongs where he decides he belongs. That Echo goes where he is needed.
Echo trusting Rex at every turn. With no hesitation. Always. Even with little information. Even when the deck is stacked against them. He trusts Rex. Always will.
That’s so fucking good.
#space chatter#tbb echo#the bad batch#the clone wars#captain rex#there’s something about them that makes me get misty eyed#these two have such a special place in my heart#i could write essays about it#I HAVE WATCHED THAT FIRST GIF TWELVE MILLION TIMES#HE GRABS THE BACK OF ECHOS HEAD SO HE DOESNT HURT HIMSELF#IM CRYING SO HARD RN#arc trooper echo#echo
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not sure if i’m projecting or crazy or stupid or just actually incredibly good at characterization but will graham is extremely ethel cain coded 2 me
this man would drunkenly listen to strangers on repeat on his bathroom floor and bawl his eyes out while murmuring along to, “i tried to be good, am i no good? am i no good? am i no good?” while thinking about abigail and alana and beverly and and and….
#tumblr are you hearing me#sorry for hannibal posting again i genuinely cant stop <2#idk if this is anything#ALSO HEAD IN A WALL????? reminds me so much of will PLEASE does anyone see the vision#will graham#hugh dancy#hannibal#hannibal 2013#hannibal lecter#hannibal show#mads mikkelsen#hannigram#alana bloom#also this is me officially coming out as an alana bloom lover forever and always#tbh i ship her and will more than i do hannibal…. i miss what they had in s1#the way she took his dogs without question when he was in prison :(( and was just like yeah im keeping them for. however long i need to#hate hate hated her and hannibal together it made me feel violent and nauseous#in the back of my mind somewhere i imagine will and alana making it out. or maybe never being in any of these circumstances in the first#place#they’re long term non married partners with a million dogs TO ME#willana#will x alana#alana x wil#also i’m not finished with the show im at the beginning of s3#so if it turns out she’s somehow alive or smth SHUT pretty please <3#i already know vague spoilers about the show but i don’t want that to be one of them if it is 💀#abigail hobbs#ethel cain#preachers daughter#preacher’s daughter
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patty sighting !!
#did u guys know kelly has a sister#this scene takes place a good few years (6...?) before the apocalypse starts BUT#it's relevant to red's origin story so it's being included in the thing i'm making#i've actually had this specific image in my head for a while but i was saving it for when i made the mbz story posts. however#i'm probably never going to do that so i'm making it now#btw the lighting in this scene.......... so difficult#took me a million tries to get right#i wanted it BLUE but it kept being too DARK#i still have to fix some clipping. & the gravity on their bracelets#(the bracelets are also a big part of red's origin story. symbolism. etc.)#but otherwise first scene mostly done :-) yay :-)#rainyrambles
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I love Asahi Azumane a normal amount
#my pride my joy#i love him so much#did i say i love him?#have i ever?#well I'm saying it again and I'll say it a million more times#lol at that single decapitated head though nendoroid only comes with one body#the paper ones at the top were assembled by me#he's so cute in every form#the funko pop is spiking and the nendoroid is saying hi to me while smiling#my bby#Tumblr is the only place i can be normal about him thnx#azumane asahi#asahi azumane
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Let him dad her!! (Patreon)
#Doodles#Adventure Time#Fionna and Cake#Fionna Campbell#Simon Petrikov#I cannot BeLieve that they didn't hug at any point - illegal. One million years dungeon#She slapped him (deservedly) but they didn't hug by the end??? I had to fix it#Jerry is my favourite episode so that at least was an easy choice lol#If anywhere would be a good place to cross that line it would be to comfort her! I can't imagine he'd initiate tho haha#She's just seeking comfort so badly <3 I know she's at least legally considered an adult but she's still a kid!#And Simon just keeps adopting kids lol#He's a good dad :) Not a perfect one but y'know? He helps where he can#Sometimes all we need is a parent figure giving you a hug and saying ''You know what? You're right - this sucks. But I see you''#Fionna's quite interesting 'cause like - she's meant to be a Finn but there are a lot of differences between her and quite a few Finns!#A lot of that is Because she lived in Simon's head for so long but I wonder - most Finns have decent support systems and she seems a little#Well not lacking Exactly but her fallbacks aren't as numerous - and she's not able to fulfill her life's purpose so she's just kinda wayward#Seeing that kind of Finn finally able to spread their wings but still have a lot of Finn trappings like naivety and impulsivity ♪#She's interesting! I quite like her :D Plus it's cool to see her natural EQ when she calls out Simon later in this episode unknowingly haha#I stopped at episode eight for a while but year her line about ''Then you got on the bus right? :D'' and him refuting it#Hmmm ♪ It was certainly interesting - I'm glad they addressed it :)#Plus she's fun to draw haha ♫ Her bunny ears! And the jacket she took from Martin </3 She has a fun design#And as always Simon is fun to draw :) Especially piecemeal here haha - just his mouth or just his eyes ♪ Cute :)
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Many thanks to kingzu and immuni for the brush patterns used.
#knives/legato#knives x legato#millionsummers#Millions Knives#Legato Bluesummers#This idea was meant to just be a one page thing and it really got out of hand#I stuck various canon visuals in a blender and this is what we get#I have only a very vague idea of where in the timeline this takes place in my head#I forgot to add my own art tag to this#ins art
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exploding rn
#OWIE OUCH MY HEAD#doodles#sonic#fun fact that is my bottle of advil#it actually has regular liqui-gels in it#cause when got a new big bottle it had a stupid childsafe cap on it so i transferred it into a couple empty bottles i had lying around#now ones on my bedside tabel and this one hangs out near my setup#the two places i spend 90% of my time lol#anyway i’m going to explode into a million pieces now
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Every day I wake up and it's like I fall in love more with the world. I don't know how else to articulate it .
There's always these feelings of warm fuzzies every time I witness the beauty of mundanity or human creativity/compassion or something. it's like everywhere I look, it feels like I'm cradling a newborn kitten in my hands. It's wild.
Really wish ppl didn't make fun of me for it tho, or call me a stupid idiot for being "too soft" Grew up thinking there was something wrong with me lmao.
#i can't help how i feel Everytime i go outside man#i see a bug and suddenly there r a million thoughts in my head about thier existence and place in this lifetime#its even worse when i see some random person#sonder and the endearment that comes after is such a funny lil thing yk#im ok now ig still sucks getting made fun of for having a heart tho#splatter rambles#i need to sleeeeep
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Something something I was thinking about this afternoon over on Twitter right here
#no real meaning behind anything I just thought it would be funny#inside my head there are things that are happening beyond our comprehension. mine included. this is one of them#wouldn’t it be so cute? not to Kni maybe but to me and Vash sure is!#I used to be at the church choir when I was a kid for like a year and then never came back to it#my mom was a choir girlie her whole adolescence so it just kinda stuck with me for a little#I am not a catholic since years ago so this is double the funny bc I can barely remember anything LMAOOO#ww WILL become a priest and he will be the worst priest ever committing sacrilege after sacrilege incredibly sinful#oh religious guilt! how great I used to have loads of that one when I was a kid. it wasn’t even endorsed by my family I just thought that#hell was a scary place even if they never told me I would be punished. lucky in that aspect but they didn’t count with the fact that#I had undiagnosed adhd and anxiety so that was a hell lot of fun so let’s project yeah!#trigun#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#Kni saverem#millions knives#trigun stampede#trigun fanart#nicholas trigun#vash#wolfwood#nai trigun#Kni Trigun#church choir! AU#funniest thought ever like what the fuck even is this OQNMSKW
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this song is the equivalent of a time machine for me
#weeping as im typing this#my grandma loved to play fairuz early in the morning every day and i always was the only one awake with her because all of my family loves#sleeping in besides me and my grandma and we would sit and listen to fairuz and drink coffee together and she would randomly come and place#kisses on my head😭😭😭😭😭 and very quietly sing along the songs and she would sound a million times more angelic than fairuz herself#❤️🩹#Spotify
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Calling out of work scariest shit in the world im so frightened but ooohhh the aches...
#curse of the migraine struck i pleed it leaves me soon#also why is it so hard to type up posts like this RGSHD this is my blog my diary my talking place#yet i go ohhh no one cares... and end up rewriting a post a million times#shaking my HEAD
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