#my growth is all sorts of fucked up both because of food insecurity and because my ocd used to be so bad I could barely eat anything at all

[chaoticbuggybitchboy]

Honestly? Kinda sad I don’t have any stretch marks. At all anywhere. :(

[moo-nstone]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS PT. 7

gemini and pisces placements are similar in the sense that geminis are able to see things from all perspectives, while pisces are able to empathise with people who have all sorts of different perspectives. pisces placements... be careful with over-empathising with the people who hurt you to the point where you’re understanding why they did it and you start excusing their actions. gemini placements... be careful with seeking the multi-layers and million different perspectives in everything and everyone to the point where you’re driving your own mind insane and you don’t know what your opinion is anymore because you hyper-analyse so much. too much of a good ability becomes a curse.

people with venus-mars aspects have a talent for making people who hate them fall in love with them 💋

moon in the 11th house natives tend to attract friends who get into scandals. moon in the 10th house natives tend to be the ones who get into said scandals. it’s a PERFECT FRIENDSHIP

capricorn placements have a talent for knowing how to make things last. they want to prolong the enjoyment they get out of something for as long as possible, which is why their hobbies, friendships and relationships tend to last a lifetime... hedonistic sluts

since both the 7th house and the 11th house rule fandoms, celebrities with a 7th house or 11th house neptune can attract fans who view them as angels who can’t do nothing wrong — because of this, those celebrities rarely take accountability for their mistakes, since people keep pushing the “but they’re perfect :(“ light on them

pluto conjunct ascendant natives always come off as very serious during first impressions, no matter how approachable and inviting they strive to appear.

sun and moon in the 10th house people may feel as if they’re always exposed to the public eye, they can’t get away with keeping things secretive. others always notice whatever they want kept on the low. this can be especially frustrating if they notice that others aren’t exposed to the same kind of scrutiny that they are for simply existing

lilith in pisces bitches have a natural talent for appearing like angels even in situations where they are 100% guilty. it’s very easy for them to put on their vulnerable, lost puppy act lmfao, which triggers others’ protective instincts. they may be able to cry on cue when people call them out on their bullshit, making them feel like THEY’re the shitty ones for confronting the lilith native... it’s insane

lilith in the 12th house natives may feel as though the themes of lilith are trapped in their psyche, at the core of who they are and those themes become unavoidable for them — they’re always there, lurking in the shadows, becoming the center of their nightmares

people with mercury in the 1st house can feel veryyy threatened and defensive when someone possesses knowledge in an area that they don’t, it’s like it hits them right on their biggest fears. they often either try to “one-up” the other person in an attempt to heal their broken ego or shut down altogether in insecurity. it’s imperative that they work on developing a strong sense of self-worth because they can be extremely prone to comparing their mental skills to those of other people.

people with personal planets in the 12th house may feel as though a lot of their artistic drive is stifled by their lack of energy. like... in the mental realm there’s a lot going on and it’s incredible, but then you pick up a pen to actualize your visions and you feel exhaustion immediately overtaking you. it can feel like there’s a lot to your psyche that feels inaccessible to you not because you don’t want to explore it, but because you have yet to restore the energy to dive deep into it. this can be especially noticeable if there’s absolutely no 5th house energy in the chart

people with jupiter in an earth sign love being surrounded by greeneries in their home; they may take a lot of enjoyment out of taking care of plants, gardening, cooking and stuff of the sort. it makes them feel more grounded, independent, and even healed. they also LOVE scents that connect them to nature like the scent of grass and the ocean.

air mercuries can be very beware of strangers, they can feel offended when their friends make them socialize with someone they don’t know and it can take a hot while before they trust the person enough to lower their defences a bit. they need to know it’s safe before expressing their usual sexy eccentric selves in front of someone new. on the other hand, aries placements can also hate being introduced to new people through their friends but it’s mostly because they’re very territorial over them, and can’t stand the thought that this new person can hurt their friendship in any possible way

meanwhile, it’s probably an earth or leo/sagittarius mercury introducing new friends to the group. they’re so fucking good with people and it shows in how they make people feel welcomed so easily, it’s like they “take” the person in and adopt them into the group. they can’t stand seeing someone being treated like an outcast because they know how it sucks to feel rejected, so they’ll try their best to make you feel included

while on the subject of people who hate seeing others be treated like an outcast because they know how it feels like to be rejected: SCORPIO RISINGS. bro. people underestimate how chill they can actually be. if they see you being left out, they’ll approach you with no fucks given and do anything in their power to make you feel comfortable. they do so well in group settings.

and while on the subject of scorpio risings... i have a scorpio rising friend and he goes thru it on the daily. he often complains that people are always suspicious of him and that they seem repulsed by him, strangers on the street will stay tf away from him. and it’s so heartbreaking because his personality is so friendly and welcoming and it doesn’t at all match his intimidating appearance. scorpio risings have this energy that not many people can handle, others feel either really drawn to them or downright scared of them because of the “danger” element they seem to carry in them

i know two people who are both scorpio suns and libra moons and they look the exact same, even though they have different risings. brown, deep-set eyes, coarse dark hair, naturally tanner skin tone — and they have the same style as well, using lots of band t-shirts and dark clothing. scorpio energy is always so noticeable wherever it is i swear, it’s like it takes over the rest of the chart

gemini moons are what yall claim gemini venuses to be. like, seriously... have you ever met someone with a gemini venus? they don’t need constant stimulation or else they’ll get bored and cheat. not in the slightest; actually, they’re often incredibly loyal and crave longterm, committed relationships. if anything, they need stimulation outside of their relationship in the form of a good, exciting career and hobbies so that they don’t get too addicted to their partner and to constantly analysing every aspect of their relationship. gemini moons however, tend to have multiple partners throughout life and they often feat deep commitment. they can be huge players imo, IT’S THEM YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT!

sagittarius placements are so... tactile? like, they love to touch things. when they go to stores and stuff, they’ll start holding everything that catches their attention— it’s like they can only decide if they want to buy something after thouroughly exploring how it feels, the texture and the energy that the object gives them through touch. and they talk so much with their hands. it makes me so anxious like bitch you aren’t selena gomez, i promise you that you CAN keep your hands to yourself

taurus placements are so weird to me, i can’t understand them. it’s like they’re afraid of exploring their own depths, which in turn makes me unable to explore them. okay, how do i put this... it’s like they have this preset idea of who they are and after deciding so, they’re unwilling to let go of it. “i’m the stable friend who’s here for everyone even when i can barely take care of my own self” and then that’s who they are: the people who are a steady rock in the lives of others, taking care of everyone. and then they refuse to change even after getting hurt. and then, it’s like... well, you can’t just be that. you are a human who contains multitudes, but i don’t think you give yourself enough credit on how layered you are. that fear of changeability, that need to be the one stable thing in a world full of unpredictability will only damage you in the end, because you won’t get to fully experience life’s greatest pleasure: knowing yourself. becoming your own best friend, exploring every layer that there is to your being. i think you deny yourself of that experience because you fear that, with self-learning comes self-growth which leads to transformation. and you fear transformation because you don’t want to change for the worst. but like... transformation is necessary and with that comes adaptability + flexibility, which are things you could greatly benefit from.

scorpio venuses can be so pessimistic— and when they’re in a dark mindset, it’s so difficult to pull them out of it. it’s so difficult to get them to see the good in difficult situations, and to help them believe that it gets better. but even if you don’t believe me, i’ll keep telling you; it does get better. you’ll get through this.

jupiter in the 4th house is an indicator of food having been an amazing part of your childhood; there might’ve been a lot of feasts and you could’ve had a parent who loved to cook. being well fed might be a huge concern for you now; you might get sick easily when you’re eating fast food and non-traditional plates.

mercury square uranus is an extremely difficult aspect to have because, in your earlier years, you might’ve felt dumb or like there was something wrong with your intelligence because you might’ve found school difficult due to it’s structured nature that didn’t fit with the way you like to learn things— you need to learn in an interactive way that piques your interest. your anxiety and any traumatic experienced that you faced could’ve heavily impacted your school performance. you might’ve had an ease with learning but then, when it came to doing the written tests, you couldn’t perform to the best of your abilities. either way, school might’ve been a source of a lot of stress and difficulty.

mercury square pluto can have some weird manifestation where, like... you suspect things but you always suspect the wrong things. i’ve met a few people with this aspect and all of them were extremely suspicious of the most random things who were literally normal and innocent. this aspect can cause a lot of chaos to one’s interpersonal relationships because you might find yourself suspecting your loved ones in the weirdest circumstances due to your trust issues, which in return causes them to lose trust in you + the want to confide in you because you keep questioning everything they’re up to WHEN THEY’RE NOT UP TO ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. probably the most frustrating thing that can happen with this aspect is when you always suspect what you shouldn’t, but then, when sketchy things are actually happening that should be questioned, you don’t bat an eye to it. omfg it drives me insane

moon conjunct the ascendant can make someone have a very delicate appearance that gives others the impression that they need to handle you like fine china or else you might break. my mother has this at a very tight orb and whenever i bring people over, their first impression of her is always “she looks so frail”. the native might be extremely sensitive to every minor inconvenience which brings a lot of frustration to them, a feeling that they can’t control their reactions and inner turmoil. it can also suck when you don’t want to be depicted as the victim but then that’s the way everyone perceives you. the native might have very expressive and shiny eyes, and they can cry easily. it’s very difficult for them to hide their emotions.

your jupiter sign can signify where you feel an overflow of energy. jupiter in cancer may feel like you have an overflow of nurturing and protective energy towards your loved ones, with a lot of intuition and need for introspection. jupiter in leo can make you feel like you a talent for self-expression and dealing with others, being overly dramatic and prideful at times, and with a huge drive to have fun. jupiter in virgo can feel an overflow of perceptive qualities, with a huge amount of self-awareness and also awareness of your surroundings, ability to constantly analyse and a constant strive for perfection (which btw is impossible since perfection is unattainable and you’re a human being who makes mistakes and that’s completely fine. stop finding flaws where there aren’t none).

[transsexualhamlet]

asmr i psychoanalyze my favorite war criminal, aka calling out norman the essay

basically all of my thoughts on norman on one callout post because i care him (both manga and anime are discussed)

LINK TO RAY PSYCHOANALYSIS:  https://chaoticgaymess.tumblr.com/post/646749875570196480/ray-81194-the-long-explanation 

this is going to be ungodly long so here’s a keep reading, essay below the cut

((tw for suicidal ideation and self harm, brief discussion of eating disorders))

Disclaimer: no shipping is included here this is just about norman also they’re kids who call each other siblings

Thoughts: So you may be thinking, Rowan, why do you yell about the colorless war criminal so often? Well the answer lies in your honor the court hates to see a girlboss winning. Norman is a girlboss :) Yes norman is a tiny twink who can't lift a milk jug. And he is a girlboss :) Obviously I don't condone, um, eugenics and all, but that's not the point the point is that he satisfies my need for more characters like Levi motherfucking Calder from Unwind because I’m apparently an edgy 13 year old. Also all of his problems are violently things I can fix and I keep him around as a pet project because someone needs to give him a hug and slap him on the face

I diagnose him with things: 

-pisces man :pensive:

-is he albino? Not literally. Is his skin so pale he would catch fire if he went outside at noon? Yes.

-autism: Yes I’m aware that calling him autistic makes him, problematic rep by perpetuating the autism unfeeling savant stereotype whatever but have you considered i’m autistic and I’m projecting also he’s L with standards? Anyway traits of AuTism he has: hyper   fixation, canonically breaks and fixes things over and over because like ofc he does, doesn’t understand Emotion, hyperaware of body language at the same time as it all somehow flying over his head, low empathy, sensory experiences™, min maxed in certain areas, and I don’t think he’s got social interaction quite right? There’s something off about it

-gifted kid (derogatory) This is self explanatory but basically him being the smartest and the best in a competitive environment caused most of his issues, such as the perfectionism, the need to succeed, the lack of self esteem and ridiculously high expectations on himself, giving himself no breaks or time to relax, the “i must be productive with every second of my day or i will die” deal, the “peaked at 11” thing, the way in which he goes through life like there’s going to be a fucking test on it

-Eldest Daughter™ lmao. Norman’s always had to be mature, he’s always had to be the best, he’s always had to do the things Ray got out of bc he’s a snitch and Emma got out of because Isabella likes her. Norman gets respect from Isabella only if he excels, and her bar for him is astronomical. He doesn’t have the Mommy Issues that Ray has, but it’s because for him Isabella basically just reflected his expectations on himself, whereas with Ray it was more personal.

-low empathy (part of the autism thing): this one needs more explanation, but it’s not a bad thing in and of itself. Cognitive empathy is a thing and he can use it, but he does not instinctively understand other people’s emotions, or even recognize them properly, especially when the person is not like himself. This is obvious in Emma. Man has no fucking clue what’s going on in her head or why she does what she does, but he can predict what she will do in any given situation very well. He could understand the suicide attempt from ray he predicted more because Ray’s an easier equation to solve, and someone who’s more similar to him. I know he gets it because, well, motherfucker’s just as self desctructive as him, just in a more dignified manner.

-he’s got some sort of chronic illness. This is also me projecting and a headcanon but he’s got something going on, even before lambda pumped him full of growth hormones or whatever which they maybe should have Not Done but oh well. (I assume this just didn’t happen in the anime, since he’s still so fucking short) But he's So weak. He passed out when it was too hot. He passed out when it was too cold. He can’t open a pickle jar. His skin is too pale and he’s skinny af. He’s much more prone to sickness and probably has asthma too? But in the case that he did actually have something going on, I don’t think grace field would see the need to treat it, if it didn’t impact the quality of his meat? Isabella’s probably just “you have chronic pain and you get migraines? Great, take some tylenol and do some calculus.” Can’t say that probably helped anything.

personality type: ISTJ

Basically, he’s the most boring personality type to exist, and personally as an enfp i do not respect him. But basically this means he’s a fucking nerd that gets his projects done for school the day they’re assigned, is probably the president of the Anime Student Council™, and could probably get away with premeditated murder (ok actual istjs this is a joke don’t skin me)

The only trait that norman doesn’t have on the istj thing is telling the truth. Yeah, he values the truth, but like, that doesn’t apply to him, clearly. Bitch is a notorious liar.

The only other personality type he has any similarity with is intj, which is the same except it’s more rare and a purple theme instead of a blue theme. Sadly, that’s not him though, because although he can care more about some kinds of philosophy overall this isn’t the case and ray already occupies this personality type tbh. 

strengths and weaknesses: This one’s kind of obvious, but he is aside from the crazy insane intelligence good at planning. Extremely good at planning. He can predict any outcome and figure out how to prevent it, using all his resources. For example he’s physically weak and someone could literally just walk up and stab him, but it doesn’t impede his progress on his goals because he’s surrounded himself with strong, mentally inferior people who would die for him in a heartbeat. He never gets stuck in some “everything is shit and i can’t do anything” deal like Emma and Ray do, he always works through it and has confidence in his abilities (in as much as he will solve the problem or die™. Weaknesses other than his twink body include his Low Wisdom score. It’s funny how he’s often associated with an owl, the mans is 14. He thinks he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. Plus obviously his fundamental misunderstanding of so much of everything going on around him, the fact that he lies not just to the world but himself, his refusal to take care of himself and his incredible cowardice. His achilles heel is being forced to, actually confront his actions.

what he likes about himself: He does pride himself on his mental abilities, and his judgement, which in his opinion is the only correct opinion and the only correct way. In the past, he likes being seen as a leader, he likes being responsible for other people. He likes his ability to manipulate and lie, because he sees it as an asset, and I honestly think he enjoys being william minerva more than he enjoys being Norman. He prides himself on his unhealthy expectations and the fact that he is able to meet them. Honestly, he does think he’s better than everyone else, mentally, though it’s humbled by his self hatred. Cursed thought: If Norman had self esteem he would be light yagami. 

what he doesn’t like about himself/insecurities: Oh god, nearly everything. His appearance, his status, his superiority, his physical inability, his own mess of a mind, also have I mentioned his appearance. He’s obsessed with self control. He wants everything he sees wrong with himself gone. And I understand why having control of everything is necessary and appealing, everything for him has always been rigid and planned out from moment one, he was even more regulated in lambda, and though he desperately wants to Not Be Food, he has no idea what to do with the chains now that he’s broken out of them. So he just wraps them around himself. Regulates to an unhealthy degree when he sleeps, what he eats, when he actually takes even minimal care of his own problems, what he looks like, how much of himself he lets show, the expressions on his face, the literal thoughts inside his own head he will shut down if they are not Correct. It’s literal self harm. Norman, please stop it.

motivations/goals in life/general philosophy: To be honest, I’m not sure he knows what he wants. He sure thinks he does, he could sure give you a memorized answer, but it means nothing. He wants to excel. He wants Emma to be happy. He wants to be perfect and for that to make everything perfect. But he doesn’t realize everything he’s working towards will do pretty much the opposite of that. He’s a crippling perfectionist, and pretty much everything he does is motivated by his fear of failing. He picks the certain path, he doesn’t wait for anyone else, he doesn’t care if it’s not nice. Emma foils that a most of the time because he cares about her, but it can only go so far, especially after he’s had so much time without her to develop a Complex. His philosophy is very contradictory, basically the tokyo ghoul “everything bad that happens to you stems from a lack of ability”. All of his problems are his fault. All the world’s problems are his to fix. If he can’t fix them, it’s his fault, it’s because he wasn’t strong enough, and not being perfect condemns someone forever, including himself.

how he’s perceived by others vs how he actually is: In most people there wouldn’t truly be much of a difference, but with Norman things are different, because, well, most of his personality in grace field is a put on, as well as the tough guy dictator thing he radiates after lambda. How he appears to someone is determined by the context of their meeting- the kids at grace field see him as a nerdy, weakish, pretty boring kid who is really caring and kind. The researchers at lambda see an obedient, beaten down and perfectionistic boy. The lambda kids see him as an infallible leader, ruthless and genius, a good man who knows what’s right. But in truth none of that is him. It’s a fucking chess game to him, putting on different faces, lying and pretending and treating everyone differently. In truth? He’s a fucking coward. He’s scared out of his mind and he’s tired and he can’t take pain, he’s obsessed with reaching some goal he deems is necessary that in the end is going to be his death because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He’s taken on the role of someone evil, though deep down he’s not, he feels it’s easier to live that way because it strips him of his conscience. 

interpersonal relationships: In general, Norman sees all relationships in a pretty dim light. He sees everyone as black and white, for the most part, and other people make no sense to him intuitively, he has to figure them out like a puzzle. He’s manipulative and not particularly kind, but he follows all societal expectations to a T, overly focused on his appearance and placing the person he’s interacting with into a Category™. So he can be truly kind, to people he feels deserve it, to people who he values and doesn’t see flaws in. He gets incredibly attached to people he loves, protective, though he often doesn’t take their own feelings on the matter into consideration, and he’s ruthless with anyone who he deems a bad person. With people he understands and relates to, though, things can be different. If he sees someone as like himself, he will drop all the social interaction police bullshit and cut to the chase of whatever he wants or needs from them, and he’s not very forgiving in any manner, if he thinks what someone did is actually bad.

Emma: Norman obviously cares a lot about Emma, and honestly views her as better than anyone else. He realizes her moral integrity and all of the things she has and he doesn’t, and admires it. Because of his black and white view, Emma is like an angel to him. She couldn’t do anything wrong if she tried. But he comes to treat her as something to be protected instead of respected, and although he realizes she wouldn’t like what he’s doing, he fundamentally cannot empathize with her and doesn’t try to understand her. Their personalities are very literally opposite. Norman really needs to fucking listen to her. And Emma needs to understand that Norman doesn’t have a single ounce of empathy and you really do need to spell it out for him. Emma can only convince him when she has logical reasons for her actions, which she, doesn’t often have. And Emma gave Norman too much slack, because she didn’t see past the surface, and Ray never wanted to warn her, even though he knew the dude was showing a bunch of red flags, because you know. It was kind of an unspoken deal between them. (on ray’s part)

Ray: His relationship with Ray is a lot more complicated than with Emma. He understands Ray, where he doesn’t understand Emma, and he can see right through anything Ray does. And this makes things really tense between them, because Ray doesn’t, take kindly to being psychoanalyzed. If someone perceives him he will deck them and Norman is just there silently perceiving him at all times when Emma doesn’t see it. They are both constantly in competition with each other, but they care about each other a lot, though it’s kind of in a derogatory way. They both recognize each other as fundamentally fucked up, and silently agree never to bring it up with Emma. They’re nice to each other when she’s around, but all pretenses disappear when she’s gone. Ray is always frustrated with Norman, because Norman’s never been intimidated by him, and though he tries his best not to be vulnerable around him, Norman can always see through it, whereas Ray can’t crack Norman’s fake fucking smile no matter what he does. Norman will always take Emma’s side, and doesn’t see Ray as a good person at all, but he still understands and can excuse him, he takes measures to be… worse than Ray, which is better in his mind, because it’s rational, and ‘not selfish’.

Isabella: She has always had ridiculously high expectations for Norman, and treats him kind of harshly compared to the others. Bitch has heat stroke and Isabella’s first question is a calculus problem instead of like, “are you ok”. She knows he doesn’t complain about anything ever and she doesn’t stop him from being Terrible to himself, because it makes her job easier. They want smart kids, not mentally adjusted kids. She does really care for all of them, but she basically overrides it, she gives them what they want, not what they need, lets them be exactly what they’re making themselves. Isabella is distant with Ray but gives him anything he wants, she’s close and super nice with Emma, but Norman is… it’s weird. Isabella is proud of him because he meets her astronomically high bar. But at the same time, Norman never really cared for her that much and has never pretended to. Once they discover The Thing, though, he has a revelation, and it doesn’t take him long to switch his entire perspective about her. He’s pretty much like. Oh. She’s like me. That explains it, time to treat her like I treat myself: fucking brutally. Passive aggressive as hell. The kind of energy the :) emoticon at the end of an email gives. He does like just go “yeah we should kill her” at one point, which. You know, ok. When he got shipped out it was hhhh really interesting because Isabella knew full well he knew he was walking to his death and Norman was like “are you Truly Happy?” and just went :) and she was like h u h and tried to get him to talk while they were walking there because she feels Bad about it and he just. Did not. He didn’t say a single word just kind of smiled menacingly at her and I think it was half a sort of rebellion and half because he viewed her as similar to himself and therefore felt no need to put up any front with her, no words were necessary for him to impart exactly how he felt about it

Lambda kids: His relationship with the lambda kids is weird and bittersweet. I think he really truly does care about them, they were in a similar situation to his and he wants them to get what they want. However it is not a healthy or beneficial relationship, they see him as a god and don’t realize that he’s killing himself to give them what they want, he’s basically adopted them when out of anyone norman’s the one that should least be in charge of kids. I think he’s honestly younger than them but I’m not sure if they even know. He acts like their fucking mom, and that’s from what he thinks mothers are like… like isabella?? Giving them what they want, not what they need, lying to them, showing a front, caring deeply for them but at the same time using them for his own ends. And it’s not helpful for him. He thinks he knows what they need, but what he’s doing is what they want. What they need is therapy,(and so does norman), and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using them as weapons because they love him. It makes him feel good, to be seen as perfect, to have people who don’t know how weak he really is. But it’s only making him worse, and he’s enabling everything the lambda kids are doing wrong as well. They need like, Yuugo and Lucas. Some actual adults who are actually wise and have the ability and the knowledge to take care of them and understand their mental problems and maybe actually address them. And actually be nice to them. But um sadly. 

what he’s doing wrong: It’s pretty obvious, but… Norman, you maybe *shouldn’t* commit genocide? You’re not helping emma, you’re not making anything better. You’re not helping the lambda kids, you’re enabling them. You’re not helping your friends from grace field, you’re ignoring what they want. You’re not helping the world, you’re eradicating an entire race from the face of the earth and murdering the poor for the crimes of the fucking 1%. You’re not being a martyr, you’re a selfish piece of shit liar you little coward, you just want an easy way out and you want to die on your bloody fucking hill instead of admitting you’re wrong. Grow up, cringe little man.

why he went wrong: I think most of the reason this happened was the way he was raised combined with the kind of person he is. Norman would have turned out fine, if there has been good adults in his life who actually cared about his well being. Instead he got people who just wanted to control him and make him what they needed, and family who largely didn’t realize there was anything wrong. Ray being an ass to him most of forever probably didn’t help but well, that’s just Ray. Even then, he would have managed alright if he escaped with the rest of the kids because he would never have been separated from the experiences that caused the rest of them to realize demons weren’t all evil. In lambda he didn’t have anyone supporting him or telling him when things went too far, so he fell into relying on himself alone, pushing himself further with absolutely no limits. All he saw was enemies and allies, and things got stratified. He never had a lucas or a yuugo or mujika when he would have needed it, instead he found children who wanted him to be in charge and a world that made it so he had to be. Everything was an echo chamber for his worst thoughts, so they just became more and more dominant.

what he needs: To put it simply, he needs Emma and Ray to cut to the chase and slap him across the face and make him take care of himself. He needs to be forced to see everything for what it really is- this edgy 14 year old committing atrocities to feel better about himself? He needs to be told that what he’s doing is irrational, because in reality, it is. There are better solutions that he’s ignoring, both to his own suffering and the demons, and the way he’s going now no one will truly be happy because of it, that there is no requirement that things be perfect and this bullshit doesn’t make him stronger. He needs someone responsible to take the fucking dagger out of his hands. He also needs someone to babysit him and make him go to bed at a reasonable time.

i describe his personality through songs on my spotify playlist for him:

-outrunning karma by alec benjamin: this one super applies because it calls him out for making shitty decisions, being manipulative and a liar, and having blood on his hands in a very calm and subdued manner, that he knows this is wrong and yet he chooses to keep running faster and faster towards destruction, that he means to escape it through death

-empty by boyinaband and jaiden: yes this is a song about anorexia yes it also applies to norman i’m not saying norman literally has an eating disorder (but honestly it wouldn’t be far out of character if he did) but metaphorically this applies to his method of ignoring his needs, both emotional and physical, in favor of seeming in control 

-toxic thoughts by faith marie: this one speaks to his gifted kid trauma. Man’s got perfectionism running his entire soul. He’s terrified of failing, because he’s always been at the very top, he’ll beat himself up over any miniscule mistake and forces himself to keep at bad habits that keep him Productive, but he won’t ask for help no matter how much he’s suffering because that would be failing, he fights with his mind, this song basically tells him “yeah i feel you but you need to stop that”

-no time to die by billie eilish: ignore the romantic overtones but this is emma and norman, emma who trusted norman and was lied to, betrayed, for norman’s greater good, and norman who refuses to feel or hurt because of it, who refuses to apologize or see himself as wrong, pushes forward because he’s going to Pass Away

-achilles come down by gang of youths: hhhhh it's like. His vibe. Obviously you can disregard the lifestyle specific shit but it's. It's achilles come down you have to understand it’s like the same deal as friend, please just like french and longer

-friend, please by 21 pilots: i feel like i don't have to explain this one but it’s more to the manga (not the anime where he kind of figures out he done did wrong by himself instead of committing unforgivable sins and still going yeah this is valid before emma is like holy fuck). He is like sorry emma I cannot fix anything I’m going to die :) *coughs blood* and emma going like stop it stop it stop it fuck you see you fucked up and i forgive you just stop don’t walk away while he’s like “no<3”

why im a repressed little norman kinnie even tho he’s my exact opposite: I don’t generally kin ppl like norman, honestly he’s an infj I have no clue how it happened but I’m pretty sure it’s because of my intense desire to project onto a little man who cannot lift a milk jug and has chronic pain and decides you know what I AM tired of being nice i DO wanna go apeshit. Also he’s a twink. A little bastard. He’s a terrible person and I go mood every time he does anything. I said mood when he fell out of a tree. Don’t know what this says about me, I swear I wouldn’t commit no genocide. He’s like the inverse of Yoichi Saotome, and somehow i kin him too. Damn.

Miscellaneous headcanons:

-man’s SO attached to his william minerva cloak. He’s a wispy little bitch, you know he’s wearing that thing inside the house, he’s fucking cold. It also makes him Look Important he can retreat into it like an emo middle schooler with an oversized sweatshirt

-although you could probably get Mad street cred from having two whole brands you know he’s not gonna whip it out and show off his lambda thing he’s incredibly self conscious and his chest hasn’t seen the sun in years

-norman’s got MAD laundry skills to be able to wear like, all white all the time while constantly murdering people. I think he’s the only one who knows to do the laundry. And Ray is the only one who knows how to cook.

-but even then there’s gotta still be a few questionable stains on that thing, but if anyone asks he’s like “ketchup” “I’ve literally never seen you eat anything with that much color” “ketchup :)” *coughs blood*

-he’s probably thought “well i have not literally coughed blood yet today so I am not legally obligated to take care of myself”

-He probably adopted much of his current personality from taking on the persona of william minerva. I’m calling him out for being like me, he’s a blank motherfucker, he absorbs personality traits from characters he plays! He’s just not in theatre so it’s a bit more intense!

-the first time he sees barbara Eating Demon Meat he kinda stares and goes oh cool! not for me and violently exits the room. Like it's hilarious bc he thinks that's really gross on a moral level though he understands why she would do it 

-Which is even funnier bc I’m not sure about the canon on this but there was That Chapter Cover that one time that kinda seemed to imply norman eating demon meat which i absolutely latched onto because I’m terrible. He was just politely eating it. With a knife and fork like why dude. As to a possible reason for him doing that I can come up with, of course barbara does it out of spite, but man we don’t know the properties, if it had some sort of painkilling aspect to it or it was like, caffeine, you know he would, but he would Definitely not talk about it

-I kinda disagree with what the anime did in episode eight? It was good I liked it and the imagery was fantastic but also have you considered Norman could not kill someone with his own hands if he tried, or even physically injure them? That’s what his minions are for shawty. That doesn’t make it any less bad, of course, but the manga captured it perfectly by the fact of he carries around a dagger and a scepter in the capitol battle, but he never even raises it out of more than intimidation. He walks through calmly like he’s not scared at all but he makes sure all the lambda kids do all the actual murder, he just stands there impartially, clearly The Mastermind, as the kids fucking murder the queen of the demons. And I think that’s more profound because he’s, a coward. And he doesn’t realize being the one who orders the strike makes you just as responsible as the one who sticks the knife in someone. The knife is just there to Compensate™  for the fact that he weighs like eighty pounds.

-he’s more of like lady macbeth (because he’s a girlboss) than macbeth himself. He has blood on his hands, but it’s the kind of blood that you can’t wash off. He never killed anyone himself, and he cannot admit he never would have been able to.

-the last thing is that there are definitely epic things about the anime, episode 8 was my favorite so far, goddamn that imagery and the bitch walking through the city while it burns down with the screaming asmr going on behind him my god. We stan. But like the downside of, letting Emma and Ray get to him before he commits first degree murder makes the whole thing lose a lot of his value. In the manga (oh my god look at me being a pretentious manga fan please) it fit more of his ideas- he never backed down, and he planned for Emma coming and trying to stop him. Of course he wanted Emma to stop him, he wanted it with all his fucking heart he was pleading for it to happen but the man wouldn’t give himself what he wanted if he was held at gunpoint. He knew she’d come and he made absolutely sure she wouldn’t be able to stop him. So when she came and he said “you’re too late”??? It kind of said it all, in the fact that he was disappointed that he got his way. He still thought he did the right thing, but deep down there where he shoved all his thoughts and feelings he desperately wanted to be saved from himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Feel free to eviscerate me if these are not Correct he is just my favorite girlboss who I feel the need to yell at

[justalittlelitnerd]

The Hunter by L.J. Shen

Once upon a time there was a magic castle in which everything wilted but the soul of one boy.

Disclaimer: I didn’t realize when I added this book to my TBR that it was Hunter from the All Saints High series partly because Hunter was such a background character in the other books and partly because this is the first in a new series.

I was a bit apprehensive about this book because even though I loved the All Saints High series I wasn’t completely sold on the premise of the sex tape leading to family insituted house arrest/babysitting and the way the story starts didn’t ease my apprehension about Hunter’s likability. But I quickly got invested because as gross as Hunter was at the beginning (and he was honestly pretty skeevy) it was clear that he acted the way he did because of his family which was all sorts of fucked up (which was to be expected with Shen). 

I honestly got a little teary at the end because his character growth was so amazing and honestly unprecedented in the scope of the All Saints High series because Penn and Knight were already good guys going through family drama/trauma and I’m still not convinced that Vaughn isn’t just a psychopath who fell in love (can you tell I’m still shook by Angry God??) but Hunter went from a guy who I sincerely had trouble seeing settling down to a guy who was willing to give up everything for the girl he loves. 

The “Song of the Day” moments were a little weird, but worth it for the perfectly chosen references that made me laugh. 

I am already sold on the novels to come in this series because I want to know who will get Kill to fall in love and the thought of Sailor’s mobster brother Sam with Hunter’s wholesome little sister Aisling just sounds like a good time. 

Keep reading for some of my favorite quotes (forewarning I made over 100 highlights on my kindle for this book and had a hard time cutting it down)! 

"A white, male billionaire in the middle of a whale-sized sex scandal is not, in fact, the most empathetic creature known to mankind.”

I had this game I played with myself, since I was my only steady companion in life. I changed places and crews so often, I had to find something to anchor me. The game consisted of choosing a daily song that defined my mood. Today, it was clearly “Gimme Shelter” by The Rolling Stones. Because shit, I could use a hideaway right about now.

Hunter Fitzpatrick was unfairly, undeniably, irrefutably stunning. Shockingly so. In a way that made me resent him simply because men that handsome aren’t trustworthy. Let me amend—men in general aren’t trustworthy. The pretty ones were extra mean, though. That was a lesson I’d learned in high school that wasn’t in the syllabus.

“Listen to me carefully, Hunter Fitzpatrick. I may seem like an insecure, average-looking geek to you. And you know what? That’s who I am. I own it. But make no mistake, this insecure geek comes from a long line of people you do not want to screw with, and their savagery rubbed off on me as well. I will not hesitate to pierce your pretty, spoiled-prince heart with one of my pointy arrows.”

“Bet? Yo?” Kill looked at me like I was a horrific car accident. “Who talks like that? What do you have against the English language? You seem to butcher it whenever the opportunity presents itself. Did English hurt you when you were young? Show me where on the doll.”

The little she-devil knew how to work a deadly weapon with Olympic skill. If anyone needed protection in that goddamn apartment, it was me.

“Any other people you want to talk to about our conversation, or can you just grow a pair and be a decent fucking human?” When they put it like that, I guess I really didn’t have much choice. Also, was I being judged by a couple of murderers? I really should take a long, hard look at my life.

“The only person Hunter Fitzpatrick is capable of loving is himself. Even then, he does a shitty job. Look at all the mess he got himself into.”

It was funny how Hunter believed he was dumb, and I believed I was unattractive—and that these opposite sources of insecurity made us enemies. I despised him for his looks, and he thought I was an unattractive bore.

Sailor confirmed that finding good food spots was her talent. Which, side note, made her marriage material, if I was into monogamy.

If I were a king going to war, I’d want her to lead my army. Bitch would destroy anything in her path to get what she wanted.

Hunter blinked, making a show of treating Junsu like a world-class idiot. He was good at it—a hurricane you wanted to chase, jam-crammed with charisma, humor, and self-assurance.

The implausible tininess of her person in contrast to the impact she had on my life made me want to tear this place to its bones and watch it collapse, brick by brick.

He was a lonely prince—untouchable, yet in need of a hug. Brilliant, yet deeply misunderstood. Sitting on a throne of broken expectations and disappointment. I wondered if he’d ever know he was smart and brave and goodhearted. I wondered if I’d be the foolish girl to let him in on that secret. I realized he was right. I was the archer, but he was the true hunter.

Watching him watch me felt like being buried alive. Before his eyes landed on me, I’d felt like I was wearing the wrong skin, the wrong face. Because of his gaze, I felt beautiful, and that was seriously addictive.

Number of hearts that perished in the Hunter-storm wake. Number of times he’d heard the word no and effortlessly turned it into a yes. Number of tears shed because of this gorgeous creature, who couldn’t help being who he was.

“Cross my heart and hope to die, when I first saw you in that parking lot, I knew your blood type was gold. I think we’ll be a good lesson for each other, Sailor. You don’t know how to live, and I don’t know how to do anything but live hedonistically.” As he said that, I realized I’d never felt more mortal. But being mortal was being alive. I had so much to lose. So much to gain. So much to feel.

He was fearless, and a rebel, and a sinner, and a saint. A prince who’d never wanted his title. A pure-hearted rake. He was everything a woman should run away from, personified. And yet here I was, falling deeper.

"Do you give a damn about anything?” I jested. My parents had fucked both of us up thoroughly, but in different ways. I cared too much and acted up. He didn’t care about anything at all. “I’m sure I do, but I’ve yet to find it,” he said. “Liar.” “The truth is overrated—an uncreative, uninspired way of seeing things.”

The truth was, for the past few months, there was nowhere I’d rather be than with Hunter Fitzpatrick. He was my home, the little corner in the universe that understood me.

“I called you Sailor because I wanted you to see the world, to visit continents, to cross oceans and seas. In ancient times, sailors used to tattoo sparrows on their skin before leaving the docks. It brought them luck, you see. And since my name is Sparrow, I want to bring you luck. I want you to carry me everywhere in spirit. I’ll be there for you always. Only I think I failed, my brave girl. I think I failed you miserably. I hope he succeeds. I hope he knows you are so much more than beautiful. You are real.”

He was mine, even when he wasn’t.

[dani-fandom]

My thoughts on Voltron Season 2

So I’ve now watched the whole season 2 times, and I have a shit ton of thoughts about it. Obviously, super spoiler-y and pretty long. Under the read more.

By episodes, kind of

First of all,

Pidge is a beautiful tech genius and I love my daughter so much

I mean, she was able to transmit her lion’s signal to the castle out of junk??? Actual garbage??? Genius.

Shiro has the most millenial kind of humor - joking about his gaping wound??? Calm the fuck down sir

Coran had a Major Alex Armstrong phase and it was amazing

HE HAS THE MUSTACHE AND THE HAIR CURL

Seriously, did you see those arms??? Coran is ripped as fuck

He also had an emo teenage phase and it was the funniest thing ive ever seen

Underwater episode!!!! 

I would like to thank not only God but also Jesus for the entire episode of nothing but Hunk and Lance moments.

My blue baby boy saving the day

So now we finally know how Shiro escaped and i have mixed feelings about it

Also, I want to quickly talk about how I’ve seen people saying that Allura is being “racist” towards the Galra??? Um, how???

They literally annihilated her home planet and countless others, enslaving nations, and killing all of her family save Coran?

I think bitterness, distrust, and pure hatred are to be expected. 

I can say with 100% certainty that I would act the same way towards them, maybe even worse, and if you say you wouldn’t, I don’t trust you

This ep was good for the audience as a whole to show that all Galra are not the same, and there are those who work against him

Also good for the younger paladins to see, as their interactions with the Galra have mainly been very negative

They are more open to the idea of “good Galra”, though they have less reasons to not be, as opposed to Allura

I am living for the Pidge character growth in Greening the Cube tbh, my baby girl is amazing

Also Lance confirmed for skincare junkie I love my son

I almost cried laughing at the half-naked Klance scene

It’s exactly like the scene from Emperor’s New Groove and I could not stop seeing them as Pacha and Kuzco

That’s not my Hunk a dunk saving the day on Taujeer?? But it is!!!

I love him so much

Also, really uncomfortable with the whole Keith and Allura “bonding stuff” 

Like I get it, but it was handled very... interestingly

I dunno, it made me feel awkward

I feel like Keith is handled more like an adult in this particular season than Hunk and Lance, who are all the same age.

I’ll touch on this more in a bit, but I love that the Commander in this episode had more of a personality. You really got a feel on what kind of a Galra soldier he was, especially compared to the strictly cutthroat Galra like Sendak that we’ve dealt with in the past. 

Space Mall??? Space Mall!!!!

Let Allura get something sparkly goddammit

Alfor was in that picture with young Coran!!!!

So many theories about the origin of Voltron, and now we know that Alfor made the Black Lion which is both awesome and thought provoking

Did he make the others?

Did he choose the other pilots?

What exactly happened with Zarkon?

What happened to the other pilots???

I loved Hunk in this episode. He has been making a lot (too many in my opinion) of comments about food, but seeing him honestly enjoy cooking and enjoy the reactions people had to his food made me happy

So, uh, where’s the cow now?

We had some high quality Lance and Pidge interaction in this episode that I loved to bits

I also really enjoy the characterizations that the writers have been doing for the Galra

Like Sal, and Farkon seemed more like actual people and we could connect to them??? It was just great and started blurring the lines between good and bad even more

Also, “Farkon: Mall Cop” was hilarious

So many movie references I die

Also: Trans girl Pidge??? Trans girl Pidge!!!

Now, *cracks knuckles* onto The Blade of Mamora

Keith you are the main reason I stress, please just calm the fuck down 

“Shiro, you’re like a brother to me.” *longest yeah boi ever*

So Thace isn’t Keith’s dad, but Keith’s dad low-key looks like Shiro???

His mom was Galra??? Who the fuck??

We have never seen any female Galra (as far as we know)?

(Especially considering that Haggar isn’t Galra, or at least not a pure one)

Can someone please get this boy some medical attention? My heart rate is rising by the second

“The only way this is possible, is if Galra blood runs through your veins” *longest yeah boi ever*

There are so many unanswered questions holy fuck

Okay so next we get some quality bonding time between Hunk and Keith which is amazing

Honestly i love the two of them

Why did Hunk have to be sleep during the whole plan?? Let him be smart and contribute to the plan goddammit!!!

We get to see how chill Hunk really is with Galra Keith

But we don’t get to see how everyone else reacted to it.

How did Shiro react? How about Lance? Pidge?

We know Allura is pissed af, but what about Coran??? He went through the exact same things she did, but he’s cooler about it

if he’s being the more mature one and is able to look past it to still accept and love Keith, he should be talking to Allura about it, and be her advisor/second father

Again, I’m annoyed about how dismissive Allura is to Keith, but SHE HAS A JUSTIFIABLE REASON

AGAIN, how did CORAN react????

I really want to know who that Galra soldier was that Keith rescued

What if it was Matt or something? He probably wouldn’t have recognized either Keith or Hunk and he didn’t say anything

Or what if that was Keith’s mom?

Possibilities man

Haha, fart jokes

Seriously, why didn’t we get to see everyone else’s reactions?

Jailbreak episode!

Okay, Slav (or whatever it is) is THE most annoying thing ever, just had to get it out of the way

Shiro was reacting exactly how I would have

Honestly, Shiro was overall so relatable in this episode

We get information on Matt! It’s not alot but hey

Now we get to dive even deeper into theories about him joining a rebel group, since they saved him

Would not be surprised if(again) the person Keith saved ended up being Matt on some kind of rebel mission

Let’s talk about Lance in this episode. Got some quality content however

We were led to believe that there would be some sort of season long sub-plot dealing with Lance’s insecurities (or at least something longer than half an episode)

So when he had his doubts immediately cleared it was kind of lackluster because of expectations

Of course, this could be explored again in a later season. Since this one was very Keith-centric, maybe the next might focus more on other paladins? I could see this as being something that would be brought up later on

I guess we can’t be having too much angst at one time

I thought it was really cute how that Galra Commander (listen I can’t remember all these names) had a pet???

And he saved it when the air locks were opened???

So precious

Again with the bringing actual personalities to characters that we are supposed to view as “bad” or “evil”, good job team

Whoo-hoo, Allura solo mission time!!!

I feel like the skype call she had with Coran could have been a good time for them to discuss Galra Keith but what do i know

WE GET TO SEE MY GIRL SHAY AGAIN

Honestly, how in the hell did that Ro-beast survive? IT HAD NO HEAD

Fueled by pure spite, honestly relatable

“How did we beat it last time?”

You didn’t, babe

The Balmera stabbed it for you

Just saying

Also, I guess thank goodness there weren’t any lives on those moons(?) that the Ro-beast blew up

“Quit back-lion driving!” I love Hunk and Keith

So... did Keith get hit with a laser or nah?

Because that thing destroyed solid moons, and took out Hunk’s lion for like 5 minutes

But Keith was like, okay? So did the force just push him away?

Okay, so the Ro-beast is dead now right? Like it’s dead, dead?

Someone tell me its gone forever now

Coran fist-bumped Hunk, my life is complete

“Princess, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.” Is it about Keith??? About the Galra in general???

Aw.

Nevermind

AGAIN WITH THE GODDAMN HUNK FOOD JOKES, STOP PLEASE

PLEASE 

PLEASE

I liked the whole “remember when” stuff, it was cute

Uh, you guys obviously don’t understand how this stuff works; of course the universe will still need Voltron after Zarkon is gone

He’s spent 10,000 years building an empire.

Once he’s gone there’s still gonna be shit to do

Y’all ain’t goin’ anywhere

The plan is in motion yeahhhhh

I feel like Zarkon has taken on kind of a Macbeth type feel (though it has been almost three years since I’ve read Macbeth so I could be wrong)

He’s so obsessed with getting the Black Lion that he ignores the obvious trap

He probably thinks that once he gets the lion nothing else matters

Keith and Allura moment

ehhhh

i woulda rather seen a nice handshake, or an open-armed hug

but that’s, again, just me

it was a nice moment of Allura admitted that she was wrong to judge, so I did appreciate that

I really wish Thace could have like joined the group, and, you know, survived, but whatever

I also wish he had ended up being Keith’s father, but, you know, whatever

He was cool

When are we gonna learn more about the druids?? 

Are they all Galra soldier who were born using magic?

Or does Haggar hand-pick soldiers that she wants as druids, and gives them her magic??

Or are all Galra capable of some kind of magic?

I really just wanna know

I love magic like Pidge loves sciene

I am such a sucker for all of the backgrounds in this season

The space colors and the interior design of Galra ships???

Sign me up

Whenever someone says “it’s the only way” I always wonder if it really is the only way

I mean, is it really though?

Really really?

This is the second time someone has said that their life is most expendable than the life of a paladin of Voltron

I think it’d be interesting to have this line start haunting one of the paladins, maybe like Hunk or Lance, because I feel that they’re the most empathetic of the group

Maybe lead to future angst about being a paladin

How did Haggar not die from the explosion? She was RIGHT THERE

Or at least, make her injured

She seemed A-OK

Maybe she was able to teleport away in time

What powers that little platform that Zarkon is suspended on?

If the ship is off, shouldn’t that just... float away or something?

How did the wormhole blow up all of the smaller ships?

NOW FOR THE FINALE

Man it sure is a good thing that the entirety of Zarkon’s ship castle thing has absolutely no prisoners on it all

Otherwise they’d most certainly be dead!

I’m so glad we know for sure that there were ZERO PRISONERS

Honestly, where the fuck do they keep the prisoners????

So... someone remind me how they didn’t die from the quintessence being sucked out of them?

“If it destroys planets... what did it do to the paladins?” Nothing what so ever

Okay so Voltron is now immobile, but the paladins are somehow fine

Am I still watching Voltron or is this Neon Genesis Evangelion now?

Let’s never talk about how I thought for 5 solid minutes that Allura died

I literally started sobbing until I saw her on screen again

That was the worst thing ever

Okay now we’ll never talk about it again

Okay, so Shiro somehow ghosted through Zarkon and grabbed the bayard??? Interesting

So Haggar is Altean???? Gotta admit I didn’t see that coming

But now imagine the possibilities and theories

Why is she working with Zarkon?

How does she have magic?

Do many Alteans have magic?

Also, now we know Allura can use magic

Can she generate it, or just use what’s been transferred to her?

Again, how many Alteans have magic?

Is it something very rare?

Allura didn’t seem to know much about it or how it would affect her

HER MAGIC IS PINK AND BEAUTIFUL I LOVE IT

I LOVE WHEN THE ANIMATION CHANGES

I LOVE IT

Okay soo.... did Shiro like, ghost out of the lion???

Is he stuck in that astral realm???

Where the fuck did he go???

I’m not ready for Prince Lotor

OVERALL

I think Hunk and Lance, and to a point, Coran, were severely underdeveloped

I mean, Hunk had fantastic development last season, and had moments to showcase his smartness, but I feel like he was just the foodie and the guy who’s always sleeping this season

And again, I did want to see more about Lance’s insecurities, and his relationships with the other paladins, but if the next season focuses more on that, I’m fine with waiting

I feel like, all jokes and funniness aside, there’s a lot to Coran that we have not been able to see yet

The whole Keith is Galra thing would have been a perfect way to learn more about Coran based on how he reacted to it, but we only see how Allura reacts to it.

GALRA KEITH IS AWESOME but seriously??? Where is the scene that he tells everyone? Where are their reactions? You can’t seriously expect me to believe that the only person who feels bitter is Allura?

What about Pidge? Her family has been kidnapped by the Galra? You can’t tell me that she was weirded out by Keith for at least an hour or so??

Hunk and Lance, again, as I think they are the most empathetic, probably would get over the shock fairly quickly

Same for Shiro, because even though he was tortured by the Galra, he knows Keith (how he knows Keith we still don’t know) and probably was able to overlook it more easily

Coran should have acted the same way Allura did, or he should have talked to her. I’ve said this a million times, and I’ll keep saying it.

This season was overall very good for Keith’s development (which I loved, I love him) and it brought up new questions and a shocking cliffhanger

I just feel that there were some things that could have been dealt with better.

And I’m probably still missing some thoughts, but whatever.

Something to keep in mind, as it has been pointed out to me, that this season was most likely written and made well before the hype for Season 1 was in existence, so it’s more likely that Season 3 is going to be even more of what we want, now that they have an idea of the fanbase.

So uh, those are my thoughts, feel free to talk to me about your thoughts!!

[eastithoughtyousaidweest]

Tryna China?

6/30

Made our way up to Shenzhen today. Shenzhen is a really interesting city in terms of its history. It’s in Southern China, just north of Hong Kong. Historically, it was a small town, a fishing village actually with only about 300,000 people. Then, after Mao Zedong died, China decided to institute an Open Door Policy in an attempt to develop and catch up with the rest of the developed world. As part of this, they decided to make Shenzhen a sort of experiment; they designated it as a “Special Economic Zone” in the 1980s and began encouraging investment in the region. Then took the land, which had belonged communally to farmers, and began leasing it at no cost to developers from all over China. People began migrating in from around the country, both educated entrepreneurs and construction workers/other manual labor. By the 1990s, Shenzhen was physically expanding outside the region the government has designated the SEZ; by the 2000s, foreign investment began pouring in, connecting the city with global markets.

In 40 years, the city grew from 300,000 to somewhere between 15 and 20 million. Nobody even knows its true size. In other words, the population was multiplied over 66 times. In other other words, that’s ridiculous.

Today, Shenzhen is home to financial markets, manufacturers, and businesses from every corner of the world. With development that fast, you better believe sustainability is gonna become an issue real fast. The challenge for Shenzhen is how they can maintain their prosperity and growth while also confronting shortages of land, water and energy. Already, they have implemented regulations that require all new buildings to meet green standards, and have implemented a carbon emissions exchange, which requires companies to buy credits for every ton of carbon they emit, thereby incentivizing them to decrease their impact. Amazingly, Shenzhen actually is full of green space, has clean air and huge nature preserves, all as a result of city-level efforts.

Personally, I’ve been having some mixed feelings about this trip. Each day, we’ve gone to a series of lectures, site visits, or workshops all related to all aspects of climate change, from super-technical powerpoints about green tech to discussions of city climate action policies to tours of power plants and waste management facilities. I know these are all really integral aspects of the overall discussion on climate change, and I definitely recognize the value of educating myself on topics across the board. However, as I’ve moved away from specifically “green” work in my own life, and more towards community organizing, I’ve found it really hard to motivate myself to engage in some of these topics. I often feel like a super detailed discussion of the chemistry of marine bacteria (what I’m listening to in the background as I write this to stay awake) is just totally irrelevant to me or the work I want to do. I struggle with that because I know science is valuable, and that this research often leads to tech or discoveries that would impact me or things I care about. But I’m tempted to think that I can just leave the science to the experts and focus on the larger political change that will allow their work to get implemented outside a powerpoint presentations in a conference room. I feel bad about this because I used to think of myself as someone with infinite curiosity, who values learning for learning’s sake. And in my head, I do. But when I’m here in this situation, I’m not eagerly devouring this knowledge in front of me, knowledge I’m really lucky to even have the chance to learn about because so many who actually would love to learn about this don’t have that chance. But I just feel bored and tired, and more interested in planning what I’m gonna eat next or what fun thing I’m gonna do tonight. I feel hedonistic and exploitative, like I’m on this academic trip but all I wanna do it have fun.

Why is that? Maybe I’m just burnt out because I didn’t really get a decompression time between graduating and this to refresh my curiosity stores. Cause really the thought of any kind of school is pretty distasteful to me now, even about things I like. What does excite me is thoughts of living with Mandy, seeing Lan, going on a road trip with Gary, finishing my doc, going snorkeling in Malaysia, singing karaoke, doing organizing, cooking, yoga, sleeping.

Honestly, I even feel tired of building new relationships to an extent. Like in the past I always felt bad about spending time along or not going out, but here, I often feel more drawn to just walking on my own, working on my own, going to bed. I’ve definitely had to drag myself to be social sometimes. I mean, I think a big factor there is jut physical exhaustion. And also maybe a maturity, where I don’t feel as insecure about relationships to a point where I feel guilty and like my friendships are at risk every time others hang out and I’m not there. But to an extent that does still exist, because now I feel bad for not wanting to hang out, and I think that feeling comes from feeling like if I was there, I’d have a great time and form memories. I think it’s true that, especially in a new place for a limited time, the value and payoff of saying yes is huge. I have a short window to build relationships, groups are forming fast, so breaking in later will be harder, and who knows when I’ll be here again. I haven’t regretted going out yet, and I don’t think I will. The question is more about how do  I go into things with a positive mindset so I can not only be there but be totally me.

Maybe that itself is part of the problem. I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to be this spontaneous, adventurous leader, which makes it disappointing when others don’t follow and in general forces me to take a risk by putting a potentially unpopular idea out there that may get shot down. But no. Taking those risks isn’t a problem; they’re exactly who I want myself to be. The key instead is to a) take the risk all the way and really pitch it and lead, b) to not worry so much about who’s not in and instead embrace those who are, and c) recognize when spending time with people you like is more valuable than forcing a wild idea that’s gonna lose a lot of them, and stepping back.

Ok, so the takeaway here is to come up with an idea and own it. Pitch it to others and see who bites. Work a little with those on the fence and don’t put much energy in the definite nos. And then go do it, and while you’re there, talk to people, ask real questions, and enjoy being in the moment. You’re tired now, but you won’t remember that anyway.

<3 Scaht

New Words (these are just how they sound and how I spell them in my head, and doesn’t include tone marks, so be wary)

• Xiu-small

• Dai-large

• Bu-no

• Bu hao isul-Excuse me (embarrassed)

7/2

So before I left for this trip, I was talking to my friend from Singapore and telling her I was pumped to eat some spicy spicy food here.

“Be careful Scott,” she responded.

“Oh no, I love spicy. I wanna experience it,” I said.

“Well there’s experiencing it, and then there’s ending up in the hospital,” she said.

“Eh, I’m ready to take that risk.”

I wasn’t ready.

Just to soothe you, Mom, I didn’t go to the hospital. But here’s what did happen.

The cuprit was this Szechuan hotpot place we went to last night. Hotpot, if you don’t know, is when you sit around a table with a boiling pot of soup in the middle. You order a bunch of meat, fish, tofu, and veggies, all raw, and then stick it in the pot to cook. Then you fish it out with your chopsticks and chow.

The soup my table got with nothin to fuck with: deep, oily red with dried chili peppers floating like shark fins on the surface.

The food arrived on a metal cart, stocked with mushrooms, thin-sliced beef, lotus root, tofu skin, corn on the cob, and a whole fish, head, tail and all. The last thing they brought out took it to a whole nother level though: a plate of live shrimp, skewered on wooden sticks, legs and antennae wriggling frantically. I couldn’t believe it, and couldn’t stand the sight of these little creatures, already stabbed through, just laying on that plate suffering, so I grabbed them and stuck them in the boiling pot as fast as possible. I was a murderer, though perhaps a merciful one, and it almost ruined my appetite. But it was better than the plate of hell.

Anyway, the rest of the meal was less traumatic. I filled my little plate over and over with food, all saturated with chili heat. I only stopped eating to toss more in the pot, to chat briefly in between bites, or to take swigs of tea to stop the coughing fits that sometimes resulted from a chili seed or peppercorn straight to the throat.

After over two hours, I took my last bite of cabbage and slumped back, belly bulging. The table was splattered with red chili broth, littered with greasy, gleaming bowls, and strewn with crumpled napkins streaked with sauce and saliva. An apocalyptic scene.

Despite this, in a totally irresponsible move, we headed to the dessert display. Which of course had unlimited ice cream. That, along with tiny cakes and some fruit chunks to delude myself into thinking I was being healthy, joined the landfill of food in my belly. Finally, we headed out, smiling at our achievement.

The satisfaction wouldn’t last.

About an hour and a half later, the cramps began. Subtle at first, then growing in waves, like sharp, surprise needles to the gut. Pressure began to build in my stomach and slowly move downward, a heavy, gurgling bubble on its way to an inevitable burst. I tried to be civil, tried to hold it until we arrived to the bar we were going to, but finally my will began to crack. I started asking my Chinese-speaking friends if they saw anywhere I could use a bathroom. It was about 10pm, so most things around us looked dark and unwelcoming. But luckily, Vicki asked a policeman and found me a public bathroom right down the block. I walked towards it, my pace rapidly increasing, my strides getting wider and finally breaking into a full-on sprint, or as much as I could sprint while also clenching my cheeks.

I shoved the stall door open with a bang.

All squat toilets. Fine.

But wait.

No toilet paper. Not fine.

“There’s no toilet paper anywhere,” I said to my friends, trying to stay calm but my voice rising with unmistakable panic.

Thank god for my friend Thomas, who heroically volunteered to go buy me some. As for me, I had no more time on the clock. I commenced the squat.

I won’t go into great detail about the next few minutes. If you’d like that, please contact me privately and I’d be happy to paint a comprehensive picture. What I will say is that when I finally straightened my legs again, I felt a mix of relief, pride, and physical lightness that I’d never felt before.

Unfortunately, the retribution continued that night at the hotel. And the next morning. When I woke up, I felt headachy, stomachachy, and just generally achy: The Hotpot Hangover.

For breakfast, I ate a tiny plain bun, for lunch, a plain baguette. By 11pm that night, I’d settled down enough for some tea and an orange. I went to bed knowing I’d survive to eat another meal. But I also knew that some scars had formed, both on my intestinal walls and in my mind.

Be careful what you wish for. It might give you explosive diarrhea.

<3 Scaht

7/5

I had a really interesting conversation today with Vicki and Jasmine, another Chinese student who’s been sort of leading a lot of the logistics of the trip.

See, a few of us have felt kind of uncomfortable during the sessions we’ve gone to because certain people, all from the US and Europe, constantly asked questions. The problem wasn’t asking questions; I’m all for curiosity. The problem was that they would ask them throughout the entire presentation, to the point where we’d go over time and the presenter wouldn’t even get to finish. Additionally, often times the presenters didn’t have the best English, and they couldn’t answer some of the very technical questions they’d ask about policies or technology. Then the askers would get really frustrated and shake their heads at each other, which frustrated me because we’re in their country, and if we really want to communicate with people in China that badly, we should learn their language, not expect them to adapt to us and then get angry when they don’t.

Anyway, I asked Vicki and Jasmine about how they felt about the Westerners asking all those questions. And their response was different than mine.

Jasmine told me that the stereotype of Chinese students was that they’re very obedient to their teachers and don’t ask questions, and she thought that was pretty true. Vicki argued back that things were changing, and that students were starting to push back and ask more things openly. They both told me that the pressure to not ask questions came for them from messages from authority figures, like parents or teachers, telling them not to be so outspoken or that their questions were dumb.

I told them my feelings about the lack of willingness to be aware of the cultural context, how I felt like the Westerners who were asking a lot of questions were failing to respect the fact that that’s unusual here, and so it may catch speakers off-guard and they may not even have answers for you right away. Vicki said while she agreed that people should be respectful of the culture they’re operating under, she also had found this trip really valuable because of that clash. She really liked coming face-to-face with Western approaches to learning, and felt like it challenged her to break out of how she was taught to learn and want to ask more questions.

So in the end, I was surprised that what I found embarrassing and dominant behavior, she found inspiring. I guess it just shows how a view from the outside on a culture, combined with that outside view’s own context, can take away something completely different than what someone from within that culture might. Of course, this can be dangerous when it leads to judgment or condemnation without understanding. But I learned from this convo that it can also offer new perspectives on the positives of one’s own culture that you might not see or might take for granted from within it.

<3 Scaht

New Words (in parentheses are tone numbers, separated by syllable. 1 is neutral, 2 is up, 3 is down-up, 4 is down)

• Buyong-no need

• Hao shir-delicious (1, 2)

• Hao shir ma-is it good? (1,1,2)

• Hao li hai-you’re cool! (1, 2, 4)

• Wo li la-I’m almost here

• Mai dan-Can I have the bil? (1,4)

7/8

After a long last day of exploring Guangzhou and a closing dinner where we took countless mini shots of baijo, a terrible, terrible rice wine that tastes like the kind of alcohol a frat would buy in bulk at Cosco, Thomas, Connor and I went around 12:30 am to get some massages. Which sounds creepy, but here it’s totally normal. Although happy endings are a real thing, which you often have to specifically ask them not to do.

We signed up for the oil massage and they took us to our individual rooms. My masseuse was a sorta beefy dude with a kind smile, who told me to take off my shirt, unbutton my shorts and lay face down on the table, all with hand signals of course. I let him know my neck hurt and I wanted some work on it, which he understood, and then he went in.

This man was skillful. He dug deep into my shoulder blades, neck, traps, lower back, upper butt cheek, pretty much everywhere my body needed most. Elbows, knuckles, palms, he used it all. About halfway in, he hopped up on the table and straddled me so he could get extra leverage. It definitely took some deep breaths on my part to get through the pain, but it was the good kind of pain that I knew was gonna make my body sing afterwards.

The next phase was the scraping. At the time, I had no idea what that was, or even that it was gonna happen; it had been an option on the list when we signed up, but I never was explicitly asked if I wanted it. But I looked it up after, and what I found out is that it is also called gua sha and it is a traditional Chinese medicinal practice that is thousands of years old and used to treat chronic pain and improve blood flow and the nervous system. Basically, the person applying the treatment takes something with an edge, such as a plastic disc or a coin, and rubs it repeatedly down the muscles of the back and neck. This causes petechiae, or capillary bleeding that leaks blood into your skin cells, leaving what looks like reddish-purple bruises over the entire treated area. However, they’re not bruises and they don’t hurt. In fact, while its effects are still being studied, trials have found evidence of its benefits.

Anyway, all I knew is that it felt like this guy started, asked me if it was ok, and I said yeah. It felt like he was giving me a nice back scratch for like 15 or 20 minutes, so I was totally down. But when I got out of the room, Thomas noticed something on my neck; it was the petechiae. He pulled back my shirt and looked at my back.

“You’re fine,” he began. “But you’re gonna freak out when you see your back.”

I wasn’t in pain or anything, so I didn’t really feel worried. But when we got back in the room, I pulled off my shirt and looked in the mirror.

“WHAT THE FUCK”

My ENTIRE BACK was purple, as if I’d been beaten. I touched it and felt no pain, but it truly looked terrifying. Pretty damn weird.

Anyway, I’ll get to freak a bunch of people out a breakfast tomorrow, so that’s fun.

<3 Scaht.

New Words (in parentheses are tone numbers, separated by syllable. 1 is neutral, 2 is up, 3 is down-up, 4 is down)

• Da bian-poop (4, 4)

• Xiao bian-pee (3,4)

• Yo yu-squid (2,2)

• Zhang yu-octopus (1,2)

• Pong yo-friend(2, none)

• Jek hoy-go straight

• Yuo-Right

• Zuo-Left

Final China Reflections

Executive Summary of what I learned about climate and energy policy:

There’s a whole lot of tensions between China's rapid development and environmental sustainability. They want to grow and make the moneys, but the speed at which they’re doing it means huge impacts on air quality, water quality, soil health, overcrowding, and more. This is something they’ve started adapting to in the face of public pressure about health concerns, but some of that has just meant doing things like funding coal plants in other countries instead of their own, so it’s still something that needs to be monitored and pushed. A big part of China’s sustainability push is also about image; many state-funded "sustainable" projects that exhibit fancy new technology are often more exhibitions than actual scalable solutions. On the other hand, some of the private companies we saw that are implementing sustainable tech are finding more success, as they're operating under a framework of seeking profit, which allows them to be more realistic about what they invest in.

If you want to read in-depth about my entire group’s analysis, we wrote a big ol’ report on technology, economics, urban development and policy. If you wanna see it, message me and I’ll send it your way.

Other than that, I think my posts above pretty much sum up a lot of what I learned. I’m so grateful to each and every one of my Chinese friends who so gracefully translated and navigated and babysat us throughout this trip. But more than that, they’re just super cool people who I had great conversations with, great karaoke nights with, and can’t wait to meet again on either one of our turfs. And yea, all my Filipino, Dutch, French, German, Bangladeshi, Georgian and even American friends are nice too :P