#my grandparents are not perfect but they sure as hell have been a great influence in my life that i would not trade for the world
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stairinventor Ā· 2 years ago
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people always talk about fatherless behavior, but nobody ever talks about grandfatherless behavior
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d-criss-news Ā· 5 years ago
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Royalties Soundtrack Listening Event | Darren Criss Chat (July 7th, 2020)
Darren Criss 18:02:04
wait ha
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Darren Criss 18:02:08
sorry yall
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Darren Criss 18:02:12
this is confusing me of course
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Darren Criss 18:02:29
this is new for me too friends
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Darren Criss 18:02:45
well i'm here but I can't hear shit so gimme a sec
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Darren Criss 18:04:00
well I'll just keep typing here guys
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Darren Criss 18:04:04
bro
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Darren Criss 18:04:07
wilma
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Darren Criss 18:04:15
i'm tryin
Darren Criss 18:04:57
21kxuv372ubcprrbpiefadt6i
What was your favorite song to write for the show?
They each were really fun so that's hard to say but Hate That I Need You surprised the hell outta me
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Darren Criss 18:05:30
bettic72
darren non capisco un cazzo
anchio pero sti cazzi siamo qui
Darren Criss 18:05:49
genevievephillips
point and laugh at darren
yes let's laugh at him
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Darren Criss 18:06:18
2162bkuccm7xje6yfgmuzrnyq
You inspired me to write my own songs šŸ„ŗšŸ‘‰šŸ¼šŸ‘ˆšŸ¼
thanks for writing the first positive thing I've seen on this. That's wonderful! I hope to hear them!
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Darren Criss 18:06:43
clo :)
i love that we are all grandparents when it comes to this
thank you for using the appropriate WE pronouns ha yeah this shit is confusing
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Darren Criss 18:08:44
zcvmtsgee5mom80oxeesa4v11
Darren how do you deal with stage fright .... iā€™ve been preforming in front of people for a while and i i still get scared . Does it ever go away ?
i guess it depends on how big the crowd is. everybody's different but I will say any kind of fright means you care, which is a good thing! Also the thing people forget about performing, for the most part, is you can't SEE the audience, most of the time they're in the dark. That's why performing for friends or in a small space where you can see everyone is much more nerve-racking
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Darren Criss 18:08:57
Dana
Darren can we have a royalties tour once rona is over???
wouldn't that be fun!
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Darren Criss 18:09:15
emilybutcher30
darren can you start streaming on twitch please haha i love you
ha can't compete with King Urie man
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Darren Criss 18:10:06
jake2000w
Darren, I know itā€™s all weird right now, but do you have any idea when we might see Nerdy Prudes Must Die?
what a good question. I have no idea but I've been wanting to see that show for almost as long as I've wanted to make Royalties. The boys have been talking about that one for a while now.
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Darren Criss 18:10:16
jesiqseigle56
Can you like respond .
like yeah
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Darren Criss 18:10:27
abbyforsmark
has Darren even said anything on this?
nope nothing
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Darren Criss 18:12:39
u6iczx4gua0att2g4kd2vdzwe
Did you write each of the songs with the performers in mind or did you cast them afterwards?
great question. Except for "Also You," which was written with Jackie Tohn for Jackie Tohn, we had no idea who would sing each song. I did the demos for almost all of them and then we had to pitch actors/artists to see if they'd be interested... which wasn't as hard (luckily) as seeing if they were AVAILABLE... which many weren't given the short time we had to make the show. Hopefully we can get some of those folks on for the next season IF THEY'LL LET US HAVE ONE!
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Darren Criss 18:13:52
delfi
darren royalties is so good i'm fucking proud of you
thanks for watching it, truly. I know the Quibi thing is strange for people so I appreciate you giving it all a chance : )
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Darren Criss 18:14:04
Caitlyn A :)
if you see this kick your shoes off
I would but no shoes
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Darren Criss 18:14:27
t59glm18dkw84n64l72jcuvpc
come to the uk challenge
god i wish.
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Darren Criss 18:15:39
damn someone said "travel to UK challenge" and I meant to respond "find a vaccine challenge"
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Darren Criss 18:17:08
i can't hear any of these songs but I"m just gonna start saying random shit about them
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Darren Criss 18:17:16
first off, i really wanted a theme song
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Darren Criss 18:17:23
that was a whole thing
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Darren Criss 18:19:18
Had to cut through a lot of red tape to make sure we had that silly song in there. We were already in the middle of post production when I finally got it approved, but it had to be under 15 seconds. I wrote 3 diff versions. So glad it ended up working. Theme songs accomplish so much in such a short period of time. Establishes tone. Gives the audience an almost Pavlovian response to the familiarity of the characters... I'm happy with it
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Darren Criss 18:20:12
also the "doo doo doo" lyrics are meant to sound like "scratch vocals" when songwriters record vocals with temporary gibberish lyrics with the intent of filling them in with real ones later
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Darren Criss 18:22:29
Just That Good was a concept that started the entire 1st season, and it was one of those instant-songs where Nick and Matt told me the title and I immediately had the hook just from those words. That only happens every once in a while and I was so happy it did for that song. The tricky part was writing the rest of it, but the back half of the song with the chorus repeating that one refrain over and over- that was the melody from the get go
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Darren Criss 18:23:08
I'll get back to Break it In, kick your shoes/let your hair, and kong later... i'll just go off on this one
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Darren Criss 18:23:48
so I wanted to nod to the grandeur of everyone's favorite vampire elf, Jared Leto
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Darren Criss 18:24:05
not HIM specifically, but 30 seconds to mars' very BIG music videos
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Darren Criss 18:24:29
i dont jared is a buncha self centered nutcases like our guys in SWITCHBACK JACKET
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Darren Criss 18:24:37
* i don't think Jared...Ā 
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Darren Criss 18:25:38
anyway yeah "so much better..." comes from a lot of the 90s alt rock that I grew up on, and the mix of that sound with a bit of electronic production was an effort to contemportize it as much as possible
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Darren Criss 18:26:26
but the rhythm guitar, lots of power chords and high octaves were all harkening to my fave bands like Lit and Eve 6... but put through a strange bizzaro nickleback/creed performance filter
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Darren Criss 18:26:55
"make you come true" is obviously a very salacious play on words
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Darren Criss 18:28:27
so the only way to make it feel earnest is if we made the track itself sexy as possible. A lot of the songs, even without being written, leant themselves to a certain genre just by the title, and this one was kind of a no-brainer. Sexy mid tempo r&b. And I didn't even know we'd get Jordan Fisher to do it- who SMASHED the vocal.
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Darren Criss 18:29:42
lauraacampbell-12
DARREN CHORDS OR LYRICS FIRST WHEN WRITING A SONG?
it's different every time but for this show specifically it's always title/idea first, and then the song comes from there. But that's because we're writing a show, so we have the luxury of getting to write from a specific place. It's much harder to do that in your own life when you just want to pull a title/idea from your own experience of life. I commend people that do that all the time.
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Darren Criss 18:30:06
what's NUTS about prizefighter is...
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Darren Criss 18:30:24
it was originally a song called LONG RANGER that BONNIE MCKEE sang, who I wrote the song with
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Darren Criss 18:30:38
and in the video we had CHRISSY TIEGEN lipsynching
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Darren Criss 18:30:44
it was bananas
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Darren Criss 18:31:26
we ultimately couldn't use the song because of some complicated writers shit- not too dissimilar from the things we explore in our own show, which is just totally ironic.
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Darren Criss 18:32:56
we were so bummed that we couldn't use the song but I'm actually really really happy with PRIZEFIGHTER. I love the song, and I love how it turned out production wise. I love how much of a massive influence latin x rhythms have had across the entire spectrum of mainstream music, so I wanted try my own hand at nodding to it!
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Darren Criss 18:33:08
Lara :)!
Ahhhhh so was that the pilot song you were talking about last week?
that's the one
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Darren Criss 18:33:45
hbz3jctrg5rwwma640hahffvt
You have inspired me to learn piano I already know how to play teanage dream now
you can thank Bonnie Mckee aka Kimmy Kelly for writing that song!
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Darren Criss 18:34:01
ok then there's the k pop song
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Darren Criss 18:34:08
honestly i had no idea where I was gonna start on this one
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Darren Criss 18:34:22
full props to the brilliant CJ Baran who I wrote this song with
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Darren Criss 18:34:39
we were just toying around with very industrial-sounding samples
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Darren Criss 18:35:21
and I started singing Edvard Grieg's "in the hall of the mountain king"
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Darren Criss 18:35:33
and he was the guy that was like YEAH JUST PUT IT IN THERE
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Darren Criss 18:35:46
and i realized, oh yeah, that song is public domain
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Darren Criss 18:35:59
and kinda ties perfectly to the nature of Elia Peck and his songwriting... huh.
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Darren Criss 18:36:05
So we went for it from there.
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Darren Criss 18:36:17
based the lyrics off of what the Neals say in the room.
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Darren Criss 18:36:34
and then just wrote a bunch of ALMOST nonense lyrics about things that you could HATE that you NEED
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Darren Criss 18:36:40
things like available wifi...
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Darren Criss 18:37:01
artistinal mai-tais.... yeah I guess if you really really liked those you could HATE that you NEED them...
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Darren Criss 18:37:04
etc etc
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Darren Criss18:38:16
but the idea was to have Mariam Hale's character hardly do ANYTHING on the track, since she, as the audience sees, doesn't really have much to offer... so we just built it around this huge track with crazy lyrics that just tees up a tag for her to say without even having to sing: I HATE THAT I NEED YOU
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Darren Criss18:38:43
2235n5s2qk5hjsujbhk5ilpva
I have classes in 10 minutes, and I'm not leaving until you dedicate a Royalties song to me.
looks like you're gonna miss calss
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Darren Criss 18:39:09
"calss" ha. which is like "class" but like... different.
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Darren Criss 18:39:32
alrighty PERFECT SONG
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Darren Criss 18:39:38
i really love this song as well
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Darren Criss 18:40:02
the reveal of this song is that they keep talking about this "perfect song" they've written
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Darren Criss 18:40:26
in other words we're teeing up a pretty big expectation of what a perfect song could possibly sound like
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Darren Criss 18:40:36
the reveal of course is that the song itself is in fact just called "perfect song"
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Darren Criss 18:40:43
which is ABOUT a perfect song
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Darren Criss 18:41:07
and about TRYING TO WRITE a perfect song, and how that's not necessary when you have someone that IS the perfect song
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Darren Criss 18:41:20
when we wrapped our heads around that idea, I really loved itĀ 
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Darren Criss 18:42:10
you'll notice we reference a lot of incredible songs, almost citing them as perfect songs themselves
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Darren Criss 18:42:14
ain't no mountain high enough
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Darren Criss 18:42:55
of course leonard cohen's seminal Hallelujah
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Darren Criss 18:44:05
and of course Britney's Oops I Did It Again ha ;)
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Darren Criss 18:45:00
the Oops being a layered joke of being annoyed with oneself that they AGAIN unwittingly wrote a lyric for already massive song, but in doing so citing yet ANOTHER already massive song... if that makes any sense
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Darren Criss 18:45:27
sorry for the typos yall i'm moving fast, i'd never let this shit slide if it wasn't a casual chatroom vibe
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Darren Criss 18:46:37
emzlolly1234
Did you know you wanted there to be a romantic thing between pierce and Sara?? :))))
yes that was actually our original "pilot presentation" episode. the one with the song LONE RANGER and Chrissy Tiegen. It was a longer version of what would become episode 7. We THINK it's a romantic thing but you realize that Sara is just playing Pierce to get the song she needs. That was always the premise yes.
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Darren Criss 18:46:51
luzmargotramos
if you reply with a single dot I'd probably die
then I better steer clear of any dots
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Darren Criss 18:47:04
ALSO YOU was an amazing lightning in a bottle moment
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Darren Criss 18:47:09
FULL CREDIT TO JACKIE TOHN
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Darren Criss 18:47:22
i always enjoy giving credit where credit is due
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Darren Criss 18:48:24
and I came in pretty hot for most of the songs- concepts, chords, style... but this one literally was a simple as Jackie Sitting down and just playing "It's you I love but also you and also you and also you."
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Darren Criss 18:48:37
we all just looked at each other going, welp, yup, that's it, jackie you fuckin rule
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Darren Criss 18:49:28
the song would have ended up very differently if she hadn't brought that to the table. the original episode and song was "one true loves" which isn't nearly as good of a gag/title as "also you"
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Darren Criss 18:49:50
i ended up squeezing "one true loves" into the bridge, but of course, kept ALSO YOU as the main event
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Darren Criss 18:50:02
i will say I was also trying to spoof my brother's old band, FREELANCE WHALES a little bit
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Darren Criss 18:50:26
if you guys know the song "generator first floor" where they sing ay ay ay ay ay a lot...
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Darren Criss 18:50:35
... as a lot of bands and songs had featured at the time...
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Darren Criss 18:51:00
i wanted to put them all in one joke. where a band sang not only hey hey hey but ay and EE and AYE and OH and basically all the vowels
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Darren Criss 18:51:10
which was where the joke of,
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Darren Criss 18:51:20
a, e, i, o, and also u
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Darren Criss 18:51:21
came from
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Darren Criss 18:51:32
which i'm particularly proud of
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Darren Criss 18:51:56
ok let's talk about BREAK IT IN
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Darren Criss 18:54:16
lxucxthxrxnx_
Iā€™m a musician myself (not that great lol) what was it like coming up with the melodic side did you play any instruments for the songs?
i played instruments on all the songs except Break It In and I Hate That I Need You, since those were all electronic. That's not to say i played EVERY instrument but I definitely played AN instrument of some kind for the others.
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Darren Criss 18:55:34
as for break it in... anyway... yeah that was a blast. Nick Lang and I collaborated with my buddy Kendo who goes by the artist name KingJet.
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Darren Criss 18:56:54
Kendo has worked on a lot of legit songs in the hip hop space. For each song I wanted to make sure there was a level of authenticity to what we were doing. I didn't wanna SPOOF the songs. I wanted the songs to sound rock solid and that it would be the LYRICAL CONCEPTS that would be the source of satire. So Kendo was a great guiding light to keep the track as authentic as possible.
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Darren Criss 18:59:47
We explained to Kendo the whole joke concept of the song, which is basically just turning the idea of toxic masculinity on its head, and he was on top of it immediately- when we told him that there's this guy that's really concerned that people think he "fucks too soft" he immediately started spitting out lyrics like the hilariously defiant "I'm the KING OF THE HARD FUCK"
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Darren Criss 19:00:35
which just killed me and Nick. It was just so juvenile that it was adorable to me
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Darren Criss 19:00:57
emzlolly1234
Darren youā€™ve been here for an hour? Thatā€™s the length of royalties man xxx
yeah aint it great
Darren Criss 19:02:21
sophie :)
i personally think you should try your hand at writing a drill song, a british genre of rap that centres around rapping unrelated lyrics in front of chicken shops, personally think it has the right tone for the show for a season two
drill would be siq. I mean, opening the incredible pandora's box of UK based hip hop in general is its own magical wormhole of nuance and history and regional culture. it's amazing. i'd really have to do some homework if I wanted to pull that off!
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Darren Criss 19:02:49
cd2gu4ceqx4am9otf9hzwzivs
heā€™s talking again guys be worried he might write another essay
ok sorry i'll stop
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Darren Criss 19:02:51
:)
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Darren Criss 19:03:03
cd2gu4ceqx4am9otf9hzwzivs
heā€™s talking again guys be worried he might write another essay
kidding!
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Darren Criss 19:03:39
fsheldens
when darren actually cares about us šŸ„ŗ
awww i always do! I just wasn't built for internet stuff.
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Darren Criss 19:04:20
alpermehdi
speaking of nick how was it to work with nick??
the best. Nick is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
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Darren Criss 19:04:51
chloe :)!
what would be ur karaoke song choice from the show?
mighty as kong
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Darren Criss 19:07:32
isa.kowo
How much music theory goes into your songwriting? And did you learn all of it from playing the violin? In what way does it go into your songs?
all GREAT questions. I mean, music theory isn't something you CONSCIOUSLY employ when writing something, it's just that it really helps to know the rules or music when shaping it and trying to maximize its production. And as a matter of fact, yeah, I DID learn most of it playing violin. But when I was playing violin I was ingesting music from the perspective of a student ingesting information, not as a proactive creator putting anything of my own out into the world.
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Darren Criss 19:08:07
Honestly I really didn't start UNDERSTANDING music theory until I started writing music for other people, and noticing certain things and chords and shapes had names and that they could be manipulated to accomplish certain things
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Darren Criss 19:08:35
so most of my academic musical knowledge came in my 20s when I tried to start doing it professionally
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Darren Criss 19:08:52
Nick
first instrument you ever learnt?
violin
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Darren Criss 19:09:07
andyruiz080
I'm castin' my love net wide And fillin' every hole in my schedule
ha love that line
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Darren Criss 19:09:29
missweggy
Darren are you a big queen fan ( the band lol ) šŸ˜‚
is the pope catholic
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Darren Criss 19:12:00
ChloeOmelia
Now its available, would you change anything?
jesus so much. but such is the nature of creating stuff. there's a great Hayao Miyazaki quote about always having to make new stuff to escape the woe of all the mistakes you made in your last thing... I mean, that's a bit extreme, I feel like we did the best we could given the circumstance but I totally get where Miyazaki is coming from. And in many ways that's everything we do in life. Do your best, know what you coulda done better and carry on
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Darren Criss 19:12:36
dj._.quackers
who or what was your biggest inspiration growing up
the beatles. the uk. the 60s.
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Darren Criss 19:13:02
Astriddd
Your first original song was "Not Alone". I'm right?
no it was actually a song i wrote in the third grade when I got a guitar for Christmas called "Save The Whales"
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Darren Criss 19:14:29
hiiqsbo9358wvfkcjcsgsu4lb
Darren I need an answer itā€™s been annoying me for days. So was everyone fucking everyone in Pierces old band or was she just fucking everyone seperately??
ha that's a really great question. I figured she was just fucking everyone individually, which is why the band was so contentious but then again I'd rather let your imagination run wild...
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Darren Criss 19:15:29
jphxxk5wjnaqnhuv806wmohdt
Darren, I love your taste in music. You should share your personal playlists ... bc everybody needs to know phantom planet ļæ½ļæ½
if i actually shared my tastes in music, or actually shared the amount of stuff in my brain at the rate that I want to share, I would never work on or create anything because i would constantly be on the internet and you'd all be over me if you weren't already
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Darren Criss 19:16:01
But yes, thank you for saying that, I love me my phantom planet oh so very much :)
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Darren Criss 19:16:18
juli.nuttini
could you please answer me I don't speak English and I'm putting ALL my effort into asking you questions I'm going to cry
wow your english is actually pretty great
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Darren Criss 19:17:08
I'd like to write a song with Howard Ashman
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Darren Criss 19:17:23
dancebaby218
Was kick your shoes off inspired by your Hedwig shoes?
nah cuz that shit was actually comfy
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Darren Criss 19:17:55
12169199549
i skipped my clarinet class because of you for the third time :) what can i say to my teacher?
that Darren says you should have gone to clarinet class!!!
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Darren Criss 19:18:34
qalektvmexab6gfwibfihwu6b
Could you please answer me. Weā€™ve supported you for years from the uk and weā€™re staying up for this but itā€™s totally worth it because youā€™re amazing!! Molly x
I wish so bad I could go to the UK!
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Darren Criss 19:20:01
FUCK someone asked about Sam Farrar and I wanted to answer it but it disappeared... Sam is a homie. one of my very first songwriting sessions was with him and a very famous member of the pop universe... who if I get a season two, I'm putting in the show.
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Darren Criss 19:22:00
9nc1yow3iwnp9p3fs4gcvdnsf
what other instruments would you like to learn in the future?
i just need to spend time trying to get better at the ones I've plateaued with. I feel like I got as good as I'd ever get on the guitar when i was like 19. So I've been trying to get better during the Quarantine. Picked up my violin and dusted off that Vivaldi, started doing drum rudiments on my drum pad, and started learning new licks and scales for guitar. Stuff I never got round to doing.
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Darren Criss 19:22:27
harefraz
mr. criss sir, what is your top quarantine activity?
playing music
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Darren Criss 19:23:26
actually lies. top quarantine activity is learning Japanese. 30 minutes a day. And it's been several months. Almost got Hiragana down, still got a few characters I'm questionable with but with any luck I'll start up on Katakana in the next few weeks.
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Darren Criss 19:23:40
224abi6avvottcsacto7vx46a
What about working with Mark hamill ? Insane right
you said it
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Darren Criss 19:23:54
t7sxis7855cd329gaa6iyty8v
Any updates on American Buffalo? šŸ„ŗšŸ‘‰šŸ¼šŸ‘ˆšŸ¼
it's opening next year!
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Darren Criss 19:24:09
for the record this is really fun I'm enjoying this guys
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Darren Criss 19:26:26
Rachael
How different is it doing a show like Royalties where you're heavily involved in the creative process compared to other projects you've done in the past?
i'd say night and day but that's an understatement. When I did Glee all I had to do was act in scenes, record songs, and go to dance rehearsal. With Royalties, it's that AND casting, doing pre production, post production, notes, meetings, notes, writing and producing songs, location scouting, blah blah blah lots of the stuff that you don't have to worry about if you're not a creator. But make no mistake I absolutely love it.
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Darren Criss 19:27:41
Aisha
learn spanish
I'll get there. I already speak a bit of Italian so I wanted the challenge of learning something that didn't use a writing system I already understood.
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Darren Criss 19:28:23
rosieellenxx_
I take Music Technology as a subject at school and we have to make a whole song with the sole sample of glass breaking...
sounds fun. loads of things you can do with that.
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Darren Criss 19:28:48
21ynx6niidf2amx5nzilihsga
What are your goals for once quarantine is lifted?
hopefully to feel like I used this very strange time well.
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Darren Criss 19:29:14
Ok I should probabl get outta here right?
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Darren Criss 19:29:41
I've talked a lot about mighty as kong in other places
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Darren Criss 19:30:00
so I'll just leave you with a story about "Let Your Hair Down"
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Darren Criss 19:30:14
which was the very FIRST song we wrote for the show
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Darren Criss 19:30:37
I had a meeting with an artist at a dive bar in the middle of the afternoon
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Darren Criss 19:31:10
let's just say I showed up to that very first writer's session very late
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Darren Criss 19:31:17
and sober ENOUGH
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Darren Criss 19:31:41
wktusw4mcjn910r3eq91zg4k5
darren did you watch hamilton??????
duh last night. so fun.
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Darren Criss 19:32:17
anyway I was so relieved that we left with that song at the end of the day. The intent was always to write two songs with the exact same concepts just with different titles
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Darren Criss 19:32:50
the chords are the same, just slightly different voicings played on slightly different instruments
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Darren Criss 19:33:29
and the idea was that whichever song was funnier, or at least whichever song would be more fun to see in a music video... would be the one that Pierce & Sara write
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Darren Criss 19:34:08
"Kick Your Shoes Off" ended up feeling more like a full music video than "Let Your Hair Down" but I LOVE that first song, and hopefully people get to hear the whole thing on Spotify since you don't get to hear the whole song in the episode
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Darren Criss 19:34:51
with lines I love like "see my cheekbones, show off my clavicle, I bet you've never seen a ponytail to magical..."
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Darren Criss 19:35:39
emilybutcher30
i love that u spelled it sara not sarah
thank you. if you don't already know it, check out Ben Folds' "Zak and Sara"
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Darren Criss 19:36:01
OK i gotta get going
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Darren Criss 19:36:12
but thanks to everyone from all over the world for joining
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Darren Criss 19:36:17
i see you and i say hi to you!
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Darren Criss 19:36:23
happy birthday to all the bday kids!
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Darren Criss 19:36:33
thank you for spending a little bit of your bday with me
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Darren Criss 19:36:39
thanks for checking out Royalties
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Darren Criss 19:36:46
hope you enjoy the music
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Darren Criss 19:36:53
and hope there gets to be a season 2!!!
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Darren Criss 19:37:08
xo to all of you. stay safe, stay inspired. - Darren
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basicsofislam Ā· 4 years ago
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ISLAM 101: Muslim Culture and Character: Embracing The World:
Crying of those with sad hearts
Question: It is stated that sometimes God grants mercy to an entire world upon the crying of one sad heart. Today, it seems that we do not feel deeply troubled and sympathize enough for humanityā€™s suffering, so as to weigh heavily on our consciences and prey on our minds. What can be the possible reasons?
Answer: The human factor lies at the basis of all individual, familial, and social problems, which people have faced ever since the time of the Prophet Adam, peace be upon him. The same is true for the basis of all the cases of anarchy, oppression, strife, and crises. Given that all problems can be traced back to the human factor, the solution of these problems is possible through approaching it anew, with a system of moral training oriented to Divine truths and appealing to the conscience. Otherwise, people cannot be saved from misguidance, misery, debauchery, and poverty.
Realizing oneā€™s being at the bottom of the well The greatest problem of humanity today is the neglect of the human factor. But how many of us feel deeply troubled by this grave problem and feel due suffering within? Unfortunately, since most of us live within the same sort of environment, the vast majority of people are unable to grasp even the scale and size of the debauchery and poverty, the deviation and fall. Let me clarify my point with an example: after having stayed in the city for a while, I visited my uncle who lived in the village. The moment I poked my head in through the door, I said how bad the smell was. On hearing this, my uncleā€™s grandchildren started laughing at me, because I had stayed in the same house for about a month in my childhood and did not feel disturbed at all. Rumi tells the story of a man who gets accustomed to the stench of a leather tannery workshop. When that man passes near perfumery shops and smells the beautiful fragrances, he cannot tolerate them and faints. This story depicts to us the situation of corrupted human nature. As people of the contemporary age, we take for granted everything to such a degree that we feel no shame or suffering, even before the most shameful sights. We see nearly all wrongs as normal. As a poet stated, ā€œSomebody who is full thinks everybody in the world is full; a hungry one thinks there is no bread in the world.ā€ Similarly, since we do not feel suffering and have not come to grips with reality, we do not feel a need to say, ā€œEnough!ā€ as a spontaneous reaction of our conscience and then try to fix it. The reason is that we are inevitably influenced by the atmosphere and conditions in which we live. It diffuses into all of our senses and, in a way, influences the cortex. Thus, individuals perceive and evaluate their surroundings accordingly and cannot overcome this framework.
People fail to realize that there is a very distinguished position that they are supposed to take vis-Ć -vis their Creator and that they stand far below this position in reality. They think themselves to be in an enjoyable clime in spite of staying at the bottom of a well. For this reason, they make no effort to climb out of the well. Human beings possess the gift of adapting to the conditions in which they live. For example, the ears of a person in a noisy environment adapt themselves to the noise, and they become senseless to sounds of a certain frequency that they normally would hear. Similarly, we have always seen people who are content to lead a world-oriented life, seeking only to have good time. And, therefore, we fail to realize our own heart-rending spiritual wretchedness.
However, suffering is a very important invitation for Divine inspirations. It whispers to people very different ways first to realize and then be saved from the troubled state that they are really in. For instance, if a man at the bottom of a well or dungeon is aware of his situation and feels due suffering, he will try to get out in many different ways and will achieve his goal in the end by Godā€™s grace. Even if he does not possess any tools, he will try to climb out by using his hands like claws. He strives on and makes two small holes where he can insert his feet. After managing to stand on them, he does the same above the first ones. Continuing like this, he makes his way out of the well after a certain period of time. But a man living contently down there, even unaware of his situation, will never make such an effort.
The state of misery that invokes divine compassion
If people suffer deeply over the fall and deviation that they have undergone and turn to God wholeheartedly, as BediĆ¼zzaman puts it in The Gleams, at such a moment when all the apparent causes show no sign of hope, one can witness the secret of Ahadiyya being manifest through the light of Divine Oneness and Unity.[1] As it is well-known, when Prophet Jonah, peace be upon him, was swallowed by a whale, the animalā€™s body, waves of the sea, and the dark night enveloped him with no sign of hope. But that great Prophet prayed in that manifold darkness saying, ā€œThere is no deity but You, All-Glorified are You (in that You are absolutely above having any defect). Surely I have been one of the wrongdoers (who have wronged themselves)ā€ (al-Anbiya 21:87). By praying thus, he appealed to Divine Mercy and Compassion and was delivered in a miraculous fashion. At this point, the words of Ibrahim Haqqi are also meaningful:
When you are in dire need,
Divine Providence opens a door;
For every trouble, He sends a cure.
Whatever the Almighty will do
He will do the best for you.
Now, consider our spiritual life: arenā€™t we in a worse condition than Prophet Jonah in the belly of the whale? BediĆ¼zzaman states in The Gleams that our carnal soul is like such a whale to us. That is, we are in a way swallowed by our (evil-commanding) carnal souls. We have been taken by worldly considerations and fancies of the carnal soul. But the worst is that we are not even aware of our wretched condition. We act as if we are heartless creatures in the face of severe oppression, misery, and subjection in different lands. Therefore, we first must ask ourselves, ā€œWho were we and who are we now?ā€ The next thing to do is to establish a connection between the age we are currently living in and the Age of Bliss (i.e., the Age of the Prophet), and then make a sound comparison. We should even include the following decades when Islamic civilization flourished and try to find out how competent statesmen dealt with the troubles of their time and how they exerted themselves to find solutions for the problems that confronted them. By comparing those lustrous days with ours, we should try to understand how disastrous our condition is. I think such racking of our brains will lead us to knocking on the door of the Merciful God, and He will show us alternative ways out. To the extent we see our state as normal, we will neither find alternative ways, nor discover new methods in the name of deliverance.
The seeds of suffering sown into hearts
Consciousness of the (Age of Bliss and the following) golden ages where true Islamic spirituality was practiced and realizing our present miserable state is the key to feeling the suffering that we are supposed to feel. BediĆ¼zzaman voiced his suffering about the grim picture before him by saying, ā€œI even have no time to think about the troubles I am subjected to. I gladly welcome going through a thousand fold greater difficulties if only I saw the faith of people in safety.ā€ Similarly, he stated that he would even gladly welcome burning in Hell, given that the faith of his people is secured. These sublime thoughts are an expression of having attained the level of true humanity. Given that humanity is heedlessly heading for Hell before our eyes, and that we consider ourselves as conscientious believers, we cannot help but to be appalled by this picture.
It is a reality that not everybody can sense and feel matters with such magnanimity in their consciences.
In addition, it may not be proper for everybody to know about every trouble and problem, since some people cannot resist even the pettiest viruses. However, when those with strong immune systems face a virus attack, this does not cause them anything more than a temporary stagger. In the same way, even the persons who try to serve for the sake of faith may not have the same strength of immunity. For this reason, telling them all of the grim realities might push them to hopelessness.
I would like to express how I feel: if my parents and grandparents were alive today, and if all of them passed away in one moment, I swear by God that this grief would not equal the suffering I go through for the fate of Islam in half a day. Sometimes, I leave my room in the middle of the night bent in two with this suffering and wander in the corridor as if I were crazy. In spite of this, I am trying not to tell everybody about the monstrous souls lying in wait at every corner, each one of them running after a different conspiracy and plot. This can make some people lose courage and give in to hopelessness. Therefore, I prefer not to reveal my concerns about it. But if I knew that they could bear the truth, I would wish to sow the seeds of suffering and pour embers into peopleā€™s hearts, so that they too would become concerned for humanityā€™s troubles, so that they too would lose sleep and walk around restlessly as if they were insane, exerting themselves to find solutions.
Nevertheless, if one is not called insane for suffering for his religion, it is difficult to say that he has attained perfect faith. That is, others will look at such a person and say, ā€œInstead of enjoying this world with its natural beauties and resorts, why does he busy himself with such concerns?ā€ This is an indication of being seen as insane, as the great Sufi Yunus Emre stated, not caring about losing what you possess after having found the ultimately absolute value. What about those who do not feel so? Are they destined to be losers? Never, I cannot dare say that. Since the Pride of Humanity related that a person who passes away with the smallest amount of faith will, finally, enter Paradise. We cannot blame anyone on this issue, nor try to block anybodyā€™s way to Paradise. This is a different issue. However, feeling agonized over humanityā€™s suffering and it preying on your mind, and embracing all of humanity with an attitude that befits the Prophets, is a completely different issue.
[1] Ahadiyya expresses God Almightyā€™s being one, single, and unique. He also has manifestations or blessings (of Ahadiyya) particular to each thing and being. When one realizes his absolute helplessness, he or she can unfold this secret of Ahadiyya manifestly through the light of his conviction of the Oneness of God, Who has absolute control over everything. This is because apparent means and causes have no part of their own in the creation of results. Since Prophet Jonah saw with the eye of certainty that there was no refuge other than the Causer of Causes, and as he, through his utmost conviction of Godā€™s absolute Oneness and His dominion over the universe, fully perceived that in addition to His overall manifestations that reign supreme over all of creation, God also has manifestations particular to each thing and being as the All-Compassionate.
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polkahotness Ā· 5 years ago
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SHORTAKI WEEK DAY 2
Ā FFN // AO3Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā Ā 
Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Flinch
I'd never seen anybody go so hard on Arnold. And that's coming from someone who has literally bullied him since the dawn of time.
It all started when we decided to take the bus out of town to visit this record store that Arnold was dying to visit. It was new and located a couple of towns overā€”'The Record Skip.' It was a dumb name in my opinion and considering the size of the town it was located in, I didn't exactly anticipate business to be booming enough that it would stay open for much longer.
Thus, initiated our fun little trip.
Arnold was determined to get this one particular jazz album that he'd been hunting for online and at every thrift shop, music store, anywhere that you could possibly imagine. Personally, I thought it seemed like a lot of unnecessary work for a giant disc that was way larger than it needed to be when there are CDs or, dare I say it, streaming services that could play you the same music without lugging around ten pounds worth of equipment to do so.
But to Arnold, the records were just hisā€¦ thing. Rhonda would call it an 'aesthetic' but in reality, he was just a big jazz nerd who liked the way that a record, "made the sounds of each instrument pop." He claimed that when listening to an old record on his fancy phonograph or whatever you call it, was like "being in the room of a jazz concert. You can feel the energy even if it was recorded years, decades ago."
Naturally, I laughed in his face, but I respect his love for the way the music feels and sounds. I remember when we first started dating our sophomore year, we would spend hours in his room with the lights down low as he played various vinyls while explaining the greats to me and the reasons why jazz music was his happy place.
Sometimes I think it's because it helps him stay close to his grandparents who, unfortunately, aren't around any longer to influence his eclectic tastes. Both Stella and Miles seem to understand why this mission of finding some specific LP was important, but me, his 17-year-old girlfriend who much preferred the music app on her phone, well I just couldn't quite wrap my head around the significance.
"So, how did you find this shop anyway?" I asked him as we jostled on the bus down the road towards the town I'd never heard of. "This city is likeā€¦ the smallest dot on a map I've ever heard of."
"It isn't that small of a town, Helga," Arnold insisted before offering a small shrug of his shoulders. "I stopped here once one the way back from visiting Arnie a few years ago," he explained, and I rolled my eyes at the mention of his zany cousin.
"Right. Arnie. Talk about someone living in po-dunk nowhere," I commented, though Arnold didn't seem to react.
His attention was focused outside the glass of the window as he watched our bus slowly travel its way into the town Arnold was eager to visit. Once the sign for the town passed us by, I could feel Arnold's grip of my hand tighten slightly and I couldn't help but smile at the involuntary action.
He was excited.
That made me excited.
Even if it was just for some dumb record.
When the bus lurched forward at its stop, both Arnold and I stood up as he began rushing off down the aisle. He could hardly contain his excitement for the possibility of finding whatever long-awaited album he'd been searching for.
Me?
I was just interested in seeing what this album was in the first place.
Up until now, he had refused to tell meā€”said it was stupid and that I would laugh at him. While he wasn't exactly wrong because the chances of me laughing were pretty high, it didn't mean that I didn't care. I wanted him to be happy even if it was because of something that I found weird and dumb. My opinion didn't matter. This was his thing and as the loving, perfect, gorgeous, and incredibly supportive girlfriend that I had had the honor of being for nearly two years now, I was prepared to follow that footballhead into the depths of hell if it meant he'd wear that dopey grin of his for even one minute.
'The Record Skip' wasn't too far down the road from where our bus had stopped, and Arnold practically skipped his way down the sidewalk towards the small building with a giant record hanging above the door that read the name of the shop. It didn't seem all that busy and my suspicions were correct when we entered the store to find a lone cashier who looked bored to tears and a single customer perusing the endless rows of albums.
As my eyes scanned the bins filled to the brim with records of all varieties and in no particular order, I watched Arnold begin to sort through them feverishly. Wanting to help, I stood beside him and looked over his shoulder while quietly saying, "You know Hair Boy, if you told me what you were looking for, I might be able to help you find it."
"No thanks," Arnold replied automatically as a frown grew on my face. "If it's here, I want to be the one to find it. If that makes any sense."
Pulling away from peeking over his shoulder, I chuckled to myself with a lone shake of my head. "It doesn't, you know," I told him with amusement. "Make any sense, that is. I mean, look around!" I exclaimed while gesturing at the small store we had found ourselves in. "There must be hundreds of records in here and without my help, we could be here until closing time. And from the looks of 'Moody McGee' over thereā€”" I pointed to the cashier tapping away on her phone without a care in the world, "ā€”I just don't think they'd be all that stoked at such a proposition."
My words gave Arnold food for thought as he paused in his sifting through the records to consider my observation. He knew that I had a point and after a moment of silent contemplation, Arnold breathed a heavy sigh of defeat. "Fine," he said softly before twisting minimally to look over in my direction with a stern expression painted on his features. "But if I tell you, you have to promise not to laugh, okay?"
Once again rolling my eyes at his inane paranoia, I agreed to his terms and conditions. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, fine, Arnoldo. Now what is it that we're looking for, huh?"
Arnold took a heavy breath as if to prepare himself for some big dark secret he'd been harboring. The dramatics of his lead-up to the important and somehow embarrassing tidbit threw me off once it was finally off his chest. "It's this Dino Spumoni record. It'sā€¦ It's really, really rare because it was a live recording from one of his shows when he was still singing with Martin and Lewis in the Lounge."
I stared at him with my mouth ajar as though in shock, which I quickly wiped off and swapped the expression for a skeptical glare instead. "That's it? That's the big mysterious record you've been hunting for? Dino Spumoni?" I soon rolled my eyes while letting out a scoff. "Cripes, Arnold! Didn't your grandparents own basically every single one of his stinkin' albums? I'll bet it's up in some closet somewhere in a box, all dusty andā€”"
"Well, it's not, Helga," he interrupted me, and my mouth instinctively zipped itself shut at the sudden ferocity in Arnold's tone. When his wave of agitation passed, he soon apologized and explained. "I'm sorry, it's justā€¦" He opened his mouth to let words pass through his lips, though only air escaped. As he scrunched his brows inward, he seemingly tried to conjure just what it was he had hoped to already have said and been done with.
"It's justā€¦what, Arnold?" I pushed gently and Arnold sighed before turning back towards the rows of records he began sifting through once again.
Quietly, he resumed speaking. "When Grandma diedā€¦ Grandpa didn't take it too well." He glanced over his shoulder at me before returning his attention to the records he thumbed through, while muttering, "You remember that."
"Sure," I answered while walking away from him to walk around the end of the row and to the side directly opposite of Arnold. My hope was that from where I stood across the way, I could secretly peek over at him while pretending to look through records. "That was freshman year, wasn't it?"
"Yeah, it was," Arnold confirmed while holding an album up and turning it around to scan over the song listings before replacing it back to the slot he'd found it in. "Grandpa died our sophomore year."
"I remember," which I hadā€”very vividly, in fact. It had been a really tough beginning of high school for the poor kid, and as much as I hated to admit it, their deaths were a large part of what brought the two of us even closer together. I hadn't been able to help myself from checking in on him and stopping by randomly to see how he was doing. Soon I was staying for dinner and helping move belongings and sorting through boxes.
It wasn't long after that Arnold and I began officially dating.
I always imagined how his Grandpa would have teased us; his grandma continuing to call me 'Eleanor' and maybe giving Arnold a new title of his own as an upgrade of sorts. It never had felt the same since they'd passed, but so was the nature of lifeā€”and Phil and Gertie had lived a couple of pretty amazing ones.
"Right when we first started sorting through things," Arnold continued on; effectively dragging me out of my thoughts and back to the conversation we were currently having. "I found this old Dino Spumoni recordā€”one that I hadn't seen or listened to before. It was shoved all the way in the corner of my grandparent's closet, and we were all baffled as to why it had been hiding back there."
"So, naturally, we pulled it out and I began looking over the coverā€”memorizing it to the smallest wrinkle and shallowest scratch," he laughed at this as though ashamed of openly telling another person about what he'd done. "And one day, as I was pulling out the record to play it, it sort ofā€¦ got caught on something? I yanked at it to try and wiggle it out of the slot, but when it got free, it slipped from my fingers andā€”"
"It shattered, didn't it?" I answered for him as he nodded slowly.
"Smashed," Arnold uttered with a shake of his head and a humorless smirk. "Just like the name of his song."
"And that's why we're on this hunt? To replace the record that you accidently broke?" I shrugged my shoulders while moving to the next column of miscellaneous albums. "I mean, I get it. It was your grandparents, but by replacing it, you're just honoring some other random person's copy, you know?"
"That's true," he agreed, though his tone suggested otherwise. "It isn't all about the record itself, though. After it fell and broken and I had been angry for a significant amount of time, I picked up the slipcover of the album and looked over it like I had beforeā€”memorizing every indentation and faded color that made the cover art. But this time, I ventured to look inside the slot to where the record used to lie."
A long pause followed as Arnold probably waited for me to beg for more. I was happy to oblige because I really was curious now. "And?" I pressed him.
Arnold shifted over to his next column of records and flipped with ease while glancing at each album that he passed. "There was a note shoved in the back corner. That's what the record had gotten stuck on. And since it hadn't been touched in who knows how longā€¦" his voice trailed off as though verbally giving me a blank to fill in for him.
"It's no wonder you hadn't found it before," I finalized as he went on to tell me more about the note without my prompting.
"The note was a letter. It was dated from the 50s and it was addressed to my Grandmaā€¦ from Grandpaā€¦ after their very first date."
My mind tried to imagine Gertie as a young woman and Phil as some young man; the two of them no different than Arnold and myself, but for a few years. I shook off the vision I couldn't make and said, "Well, are you going to tell me what it said, or what?"
Ignoring my sarcasm, Arnold recalled the letter as though he had recited it countless times before. "Gertieā€”I had a swell time with you at the lounge, tonight. Here's a cut from that performance, courtesy of Dino himself. Maybe on our next date I'll take you to meet him, as long as you don't go running off with him. He'd better not touch my gal." The both of us laughed as he ended the letter and offered a shrug. "Then he just signed it, 'yours, Phil.'"
"Your grandparents really were something," I noted while sorting through my pile; Arnold moving from the row he was in to the next one over and started going through more albums. Just beside him, the only other customer in the entire store also carefully inspected record after recordā€”also a man on a mission.
It was clear that finding this record wasn't because he missed the music or wanted it for some kind of collection he had. Arnold was looking for this record because it was made from the very night in which his grandparents had shared their very first date. Unlike some of the zany stories told by both Phil and Gertie respectively about such a date, that letter had given Arnold tangible proof of their love story.
Finding that record meant completing the album Arnold had probably stashed away beside his bed so he could look at it the way he used to look at that old picture of his parents. Not like I knew that or anything. I didn't watch him from the skylight sometimes when it was really dark out because there was a new moon and he was distracted which meant I could hide in the shadows of the rooftop above him.
But that was beside the point.
I had to find that album. I wanted to give that back to Arnoldā€”return to my beloved that which was lost with two of the most important people in his life. My sweet, poor, footballheaded darling. How I longed to take away the pain clouding his heart. How I desired to wave a magic wand and turn back time so he could reunite with his grandparents once again. If only I could find that album. If only I could be the hero and bring to him the one thing that would set off the familiar glimmer I longed to see from beneath his emerald green eyes.
If onlyā€¦ If onlyā€¦ If only ā€¦Ifā€”
"Hey! Give that back!"
Arnold's voice echoed through the shop, and I blinked myself back to reality to look over in the direction of where my familiar footballhead was glaring up at the other customer who was the size of a linebacker. In their hand was an albumā€”one that I could see from where I stood had that of Dino Spumoni's face on it.
It was the album.
"No way, little dude," the stranger insisted while holding the album away from Arnold's desperate grasping. "Do you know how much this puppy is worth?"
"But I had it first," he expressed, his tone growing more distressed with each word and fling of his arm toward what the man held away from him. "You took it out of my hand."
"Yeah, so that I couldhave it," the man's voice was smug; arrogant. This dude thought he could just get away with taking something because he could.
As nice as Arnold was and as harsh as he could be when pushed, he didn't seem to phase the giant stranger who towered over him. "Please," Arnold began to plead, "You don't know what this album means to meā€¦"
"And you don't know what it's gonna mean to my wallet," the man countered.
That was all that I needed to butt my way in to their dispute and place myself directly between this douche-nugget and Arnold. This imbecile thought that he was going to walk away with this album after swiping it out of Arnold's hands because he was some 'big, strong, tough guy?' He was clearly looking for a sweet, sweet kiss from my fists.
"Hey. Iron Giant," I addressed him while shooting a confident glare up in his direction. "How about you leave my friend alone here and I'll let you mosey on home without your eyes so swollen shut that you end up running into every single trash can, pole, and sign that you encounter?" My long-winded threat didn't strike fear in the man's eyes, though I could tell he was surprised at my sudden involvement.
With a somewhat awkward chuckle, the man shifted his gaze between Arnold and me. "Are you really threatening me? Over some stupid record?"
"Are you really so stupid that you think I won't punch your lights out faster than you can say 'I'm sorry for being a literal ass?'" I retorted as I tightened my fists at my side in preparation for my next move.
Arnold wasn't having it though.
"Helga, stop," He demanded in a harsher tone than I'd anticipated. The sudden change in his demeanor threw me off guard, and I stepped aside to look at him as he moved to the forefront to stare up at our selfish stranger.
"Listen," Arnold began firmly without so much as a stutter or waver in his voice. "I found that album first. Fair and square. It was in my hand and you will give it back to me."
This amused the man and he took a lone step in to further intimidate and loom over Arnold and me. In a low growl, he said, "Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do about itā€¦ kid?"
My eyes shot over to Arnold who didn't even flinch at the words the man spat in his face. With an intensity I hadn't seen in Arnold in a long time, he narrowed his eyes and matched the stranger's tone to say in return, "What will we do?" He repeated before turning to look at me and silently tell me the next step in his plan. Fully understanding what it was I had to do, Arnold faced the stranger again and simply stated, "We're going to take it back."
With that, as the stranger was distracted and utterly confused, I reached out to snatch the album from his grubby hands. "C'mon, Shortman!" I hollered as Arnold and I turned around to begin running away from the angry man we left behind.
"Hey! Get back here!" he demanded, but we didn't listen. The man may have been dumb, but he certainly wasn't dumb enough to follow after the two of us and cause a scene. Not only did this cashier not care, but we were just teenagers. Surely the dude didn't want to get into a huge fight with a couple of kids.
After we paid for the record and it was safely in a bag that Arnold carried with pride at his side, we slowly walked down the sidewalk in pursuit of the bus stop. Evening was approaching and the sun had just begun to slowly sink into the horizon; the sky morphing into bright hues of oranges and pinks that swirled together like paint on a canvas. Once we made it to the bus stop, we took a seat on the bench to wait while Arnold pulled out the album and gave it a look-over.
"I can't believe we found it," He mused while staring at the cover with a smile.
"Technically you found it," I corrected him before smirking and leaning back into the bench we sat on. "And what I can't believe is you, Hair Boy."
Arnold carefully placed the album back in the plastic bag before turning to look at me with a raised brow. "What can't you believe?"
"That guy was huge, Arnold," the words came out in shock as though the memory of him was even bigger than he had been in reality. "I'm surprised you had the guts to stand up to him like that. You didn't even flinch."
"You were the one threatening to start a fight, Helga, not him. Why would I flinch?" he soon countered, and I shrugged my shoulders.
"He seemed pretty antagonistic to me. He could have socked you right there, but you justā€¦. Stood there." I said with a smirk. "But me? That's not really how I work, you know that. I was ready to pick a fight. And If he ended up giving me two black eyes, he would have at least gotten one and it would have been worth it, too. You were walking away with that album if it was the last thing I did, today."
"At least it didn't come to that," Arnold said while reaching out to lace his hand with mine and offered a light squeeze. "I think our plan worked just fine."
"You're telling me. For once you and your giant head were the brains of the operation," I offered, and Arnold shook his head in amusement.
"It can't always be you, you know," he soon replied with a twinkle in his eye; the hint of a tease with a half-smile that I could hardly resist. "I can be clever and witty too."
"You have your grandparents to thank for that," I told him earnestly; the glimmer in his gaze dulling as he soaked in what I was saying. "I think that Gertie and Phil would be proud of you for holding your ground and getting that album back. I'll bet it was something they would have done."
"Grandpa definitely would have," Arnold agreed with a nod and a smile at the thought. I could tell that he was thinking of either a memory or trying to imagine him doing such a thing. He was lost in the thought for a moment before letting out a chuckle and adding, "Grandma would have gone a much, much more dramatic route, though."
"You're probably right about that, footballhead."
Together we sat, hand in hand, on the bench as we waited for the bus to arrive. With each new conversation and laugh that we shared, I relished the future the two of us would surely have. If today had proven anything, it was that Arnold and I worked best in tandem with each other; just like another couple we knew.
And when we reached Sunset Arms again and headed up for Arnold's room, the first thing he did was put on that record; the music filling the air to transport us back to that legendary couple's very first date. Like them, Arnold and I would have many a story to tell our grandchildren one day, and maybe someday, they too would go on a mission to find some missing relic of our love and fight to get it.
My only hope was that, like Arnold, they too wouldn't flinch at the opportunity.
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drunkdragondoes Ā· 6 years ago
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Qrowin Prompt
@theresivy
According to my copy-paste notes, this is the prompt:
Ships: Qrowin, Iceberg, BlackSun, Rosegarden
5 Words: Vampire, Tease (sexual and fluff for qrowin and not sexual for the rest), Pets, Babysitting, Slow Burn
In hindsight, I realize that I got too focused on the vampire part (and I guess the smut lol) and forgot the rest. On the other hand, this sort of took on a whole monster of its own that I think youā€™ll like! But let me know how it is in the end.
---
Politics were, to put it nicely, weird. In a world where people were so different - scaled, multi-limbed, feathered, blood-drinking, lunar-phasing, water-breathing, or covered head to toe in fur - there were so many things to keep track of.
For example, livestock cows. When they came of age and it was time for the slaughter, they really had to make sure that all protocols are followed. First, blood is drained and kept in a separate storage for vampires, quickly frozen and transported because otherwise they coagulate, resulting in a poorer quality. But they couldnā€™t drain too much blood because then that ruined the meat quality and then not enough nutrients would be in it for the werewolves. Then the organs had to be separated by type so that other people with special dietary needs could all be satiated.
None of that was Qrow Branwenā€™s job. It was similar, but not the same. He was not in charge of making sure that all represented parties were satisfied on how a cow should be divided. He was not in charge of which persons gets preference in the carpool lane when the sun was almost setting. In fact, his main job was managing union certificates.
This was usually a far, far easier job. He just had to sign documents and check pedigrees to try and figure out what type of offspring theyā€™d probably have. The last bit was what took the longest, but important because the government needed to be ready to help accommodate unusual living circumstances that might arise. After all, a werewolf and mermaid might not be too hard to support, but factor in that one of their kids might take after their great-great eldritch grandfather and it can get kinda difficult.
Genetics were weird. But no one cared because everyone was a little bit of everything. Hell, his grandmotherā€™s grandmother from his motherā€™s side was the only human in their family line in the past four generations, and somehow he and his sister was just that - human.
But today was one of the more stressful times at his workplace. With the recent effects of the full moon (and not just any moon but the Spring Equinox moon, which drives many into a mating frenzy), there was a massive influx of both planned and spur-of-the-moment unions to sort through. And while he didnā€™t always handle the standard grunt work, the influx was also forcing him to do other tasks. For one, he had to handle witnesses and then also ensure that the union rites were fully legitimate. Then he had to check if the ones handling the rites were actually officials or if they were simply impromptu officiates. And finally he checked if the union was the monogamous, polyandrous, or if the unknown box was checked.
Any and all variations of any kind were accepted and legally binding, of course. It just that it was important to keep count.
ā€œIf we can keep count, then that means we can predict how to best chart our future.ā€
Annoying words from his boss. Very correct words, but very annoying words that were keeping him away from coming home at a decent hour. But it paid well and he had a good set of benefits, so there wasnā€™t much use in complaining.
His eyes turned to the last three on his desk.
Union File Y82J3Q: Ruby Rose and Oscar Pine
Union File U17L6R: Neptune Vasilias and Weiss Schnee
Union File B94T0Z: Blake Belladonna and Sun Wukong
It was awkward at first to see family members on the files, but by the time he had seen Ravenā€™s union certificate he had long grown callous to it. Still, Qrow decided to skip to the third one and take care of that first. Officiators were Kali Belladonna, witness was Ilia Amitola, monogamous box was checked. Blake was from a long line of felines, while Sunā€™s pedigree was a little less known. Parents were part monkey, but that was the only instance of recurring traits in the last five generations. So if they had kids, there was a seventy-eight percent chance they were probably going to have cat ears or other cat bits.
Signed, stamped, done. He went to the first one next. His niece Ruby was a werewolf, so as expected the file was marked for monogamy. Oscar, on the other hand, was quite plain. Grew up on his selkie auntā€™s oyster farm so he had to have some of that in him, but otherwise he was a bit like Qrow - a human among the mass of genetics behind him.Ā 
It was a little harder to predict what type of kids theyā€™d have, but no matter the outcome they would probably like headpats. All in all, nothing unusual. Signed, stamped, done.
There was just one left, and he picked it up. As both Neptune and Weiss came from rich families, as expected their pedigrees were more detailed. Neptune had a mix of everything - merfolk, fae, moth, kirin, and surprisingly some siren in him. Weissā€™ side, however, had a line that was predominantly from the nocturnae tree - humans that were more night-based. She had a string of grandparents that were at least some part vampire, including a full-blooded one. So given the genetics, their kids would probably be a vampire that liked swimming. Maybe.
What was most interesting was that the relationship was marked as polyandrous. As Qrow thought about it more, though, it made sense. Neptuneā€™s siren influences meant that he might attract a partner on the side somewhere. And when he thought about it for even longer, he realized it shouldnā€™t have even been a question. Somewhere in the Schnee family history, someone had a union with a-
ā€œUh, Mr. Branwen?ā€ a voice crackled through his desk phone. ā€œYour wife is... well-ā€
Whoosh
ā€œSheā€™s probably in your office already.ā€
He supposed that this was to be expected. Stamped, signed, done. He put the three files into his completed section and closed his laptop. And when he looked up, there was Winter, leaning against his door. Her white hair was up in its usual bun, and she had donned what Qrow could only define as barely acceptable office attire. Across her hips was an all-black mini pencil skirt, along with matching stockings and heels. And for her top she had chosen a pure white button-up that was perhaps a size too small, pressing hard against her breasts. And this time there was something completely unusual upon her face - red, thin-rimmed glasses.
All purely cosmetic, of course. Winter had perfect vision, and she her job was nowhere near office-related at all. It wasnā€™t hard for him to figure out that she was impatient. Her tail, a thin long cord that ended in the shape of a spade, swished from side to side. Her leathery black wings may have been folded against her back, but fidgeted constantly, never staying still. And her arms were folded right above her stomach, pushing up her chest even more.
Besides, the Spring Equinox moon was still hanging in the evening sky. Winter Schnee might be a vampire, but like her sister she inherited the same qualities from that one ancestor long ago. Even if the pale light wasnā€™t hitting her directly, it was still accentuating the aspects.
Hell, even he could feel the moonā€™s pull. Those with human traits were often the least impacted by it, but add onto the fact that he was looking at list after list of people who were all fucking each other and it was a ball of frustration that only grew larger and larger. More than once did Qrow find himself staring into the distance, thinking about Winter in all of the wild ways theyā€™ve had each other. And now that she was here-
Her eyes scanned the four walls, absorbing the lack of decorations before settling on him in his seat. ā€œYou know, Iā€™ve always wanted to have sex in your office.ā€
Qrow leaned back in his chair with a deep breath before he pushed himself up and strode to her side. When she looked into his eyes, he moved into kiss her, reaching out and let his hands rest upon her shoulders before drifting low to her hips to pull her tight against him, against his hot and hardened flesh.
Right before she could pull him past the point of no return for the night, though, he pushed away. When he looked at her face, it was easy to see that this only fanned the flames within her.
It was exactly what he wanted. Winter arms wrapped around his shoulder as she leaned into his neck, lips parting to expose sharp, vampiric canines.
ā€œTeasing your wife, a half-succubus? And on this moon?ā€ She clicked her tongue. ā€œFor shame, Qrow.ā€
She bit down. The pain was momentary - repeated instances meant he had built up a tolerance to the sensation. But the way her tongue dragged across the shallow wound, licking and suckling away at his skin, that was always something else. It almost always drove him to madness, one that made him aware of every press of her body against him, of her hands dragging up and down his sides, of her loins pressed against his.
One of his hands squeezed her hips and she gave a soft, contented moan. ā€œTrust me, Winter, the only thing thatā€™s keeping me back is the sexual harassment policy we have. So letā€™s get out of here and-ā€
Her tail deftly coiled around his thigh. Her leather wings snapped around him and they were gone.
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kiliosthestarmaker Ā· 6 years ago
Note
Nyehehe 1-49 >.> all of dem šŸ˜šŸ˜‰
I EXPECTED THIS BUT YOUā€™RE GOING TO K I L L M E
The Basics1. Ā  Ā  Do you listen to music when you write?
YES, Gods yes! The inspiration! The characterizations! The playlists I listen to when dealing with a particular character I love it I crave it!
2. Ā  Ā  Are you a pantser or a plotter?
Plotter, most things have already been decided on within my stories.
3. Ā  Ā  Computer or pen and paper?
Computer, Iā€™ll use a pencil and paper only when I have no tech on me.Ā 
4. Ā  Ā  Have you ever been published, or do you want to be published?
Iā€™d like to be published
5. Ā  Ā  How much writing do you get done on an average day?
Interesting question, I have no clue
6. Ā  Ā  Single or multiple POV?
Kind of multiple? Itā€™s all in third POV but we follow around different characters
7. Ā  Ā  Standalone or series?
*cackles* SERIES
8. Ā  Ā  Oldest WIP
A whole series called Ratio Cor that I finally got back too
9. Ā  Ā  Current WIP
Worlds Rejoined
10. Ā Do you set yourself deadlines?
No. Gods no, Iā€™d stress myself out.
The Specifics11. Ā Books and/or authors who influenced you the most
Lord of The Rings
J.R.R. Tolkien
George Martin
Harry Potter
Rick Riordan
C.S. Lewis
My two writer friends Wolfe and Jacks
12. Ā Describe your perfect writing space
My room, blasting with music in the morning when I have no school
13. Ā Describe your writing process from idea to polished
Sure
A) Wake up at 2 AM with an idea
B) write it downĀ 
C) go back to sleep until you have to wake up properly
D) Write out a decent plot
E) Characters
F) World Building (My fav part)
G) Write and Feel your book
H) Make others suffer with you
14. Ā How do you deal with self-doubts?
Music and talking to Wolfe
15. Ā How do you deal with writerā€™s block?
Music, scrolling through Tumblr, talking to Wolfe and Jacks
16. Ā How many drafts do you need until youā€™re satisfied with a project?
Who the heckity heck knows
17. Ā What writing habits or rituals do you have?
Grab some food and a drink
18. Ā If you could collaborate with anyone, who would it be, and what would you write about?
I WOULD COLLABORATE WITH @princess-east AND @stressedwolfe and it would probably either be about the gods or some action/adventure/fantasy thing and weā€™ve done it before AND ALSO @koalajake CAUSE THE IDEAS HE HASĀ 
I
ADORE
19. Ā How do you keep yourself motivated?
My dad expresses interest in my plots (the only family member that do), he tells me about showing it to other people at work or while heā€™s busy with something and the person just so happen to be there. My loves also encourage me.
there is also music
20. Ā How many WIPs and story ideas do you have?
........ ehe well there is 1 collection, 4 series within that collection and about 3-4 books within each series sans one which will probably have more than that. Other than that...I have many, many ideas
The Favourites21. Ā Who is/are your favorite character(s) to write?
I absolutely loveĀ writing Kilios, not only is he my favorite character, heā€™s just purely iconic.
22. Ā Who is/are your favorite pairing(s) to write?
Most of my pairings are platonic as most characters are teens or children. Thereā€™s also those who have been married and are widowed now so-
OH THERE IS KOLFE I ABSOLUTELY LOVE WRITING THOSE TWO
23. Ā Favorite author
Wait I have to choose??
24. Ā Favorite genre to write and read
Fantasy
25. Ā Favorite part of writing
WORLD BUILDING!!!! I SWEAR ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS BE LIKEĀ ā€œHey Kilios you wanna help me build a world for this AU?ā€ orĀ ā€œHey Kilios can you help me build the world for my story?ā€ AND I WILL BE ALL OVER THAT
26. Ā Favorite writing program
Lmao does google docs count?
27. Ā Favorite line/scene
From...from my book?
(Ratio Cor)
ā€œOkay...ā€ She hums softly as she screws on her arm. She flexes the mechanical fingers slowly before twisting her wrist. She grimaces slightly at the creaking of the joint. ā€œGrandfather whereā€™s the thing?ā€
ā€œWhat thing?ā€
ā€œThe...the thing...uh...whot yz yt colludā€¦ THE OIL!ā€ Kala exclaims after figuring it out. She hears her grandfather laugh. Kala huffs softly at the laughter. Her grandfather taught her the surface language at a young age. He told her it might come in handy one day, but she doesnā€™t understand why it would. The Markian language was harder to learn afterward.
(Working Title: Caelum Enterprise)
ā€œThat's a child.ā€ Kai whispers. Kilios nods his head in agreement. ā€œThatā€™s a child.ā€Ā 
ā€œThirteen years old.ā€ Kilios offers with a small grin. Kaiā€™s face turns blank, and he stares at Kilios. A cold rage settles in his soul.
ā€œSo, I have to kill Zeus?ā€ Shadow chokes on his laughter as he wraps his arms around Kaiā€™s waist. Kilios snorts in amusement even though he knew his friend could kill the Lightning God if he wanted to.
ā€œNow, now. Revenge is best served cold as you may know.ā€ Kilios hums softly as they smirk at each other. Shadow and Oketh look at each other before shaking their heads in exasperation. ā€œZeus seems to want this kid somewhat broken down, so weā€™ll give the child the best childhood.ā€28. Ā Favorite side character
Kai and Shadow, purely for their dynamic
29. Ā Favorite villain
K,,,kilios
30. Ā Favorite idea you havenā€™t started on yet?
Three siblings were reborn as siblings in the modern world. One problem, the ex-youngest sibling is the only that remembers their past and the evil that caused them to die before has followed them. So now, the sibling has to reawaken their siblings' past selves and strive off the evil force all alone. What will happen if the evil, instead of harming the ex-youngest sibling, takes them away to where they are treated as they should be and are loved. What happens when their siblings do reawaken and come after them? What happens if the ex-younger sibling doesnā€™t want to go? After all, they found love in the darkness. They found light within it as well insert King Keir who isnā€™t willing to let his consort be taken without a fight.
The Dark31. Ā Least favorite part of writing
The,,, the writing part
32. Ā Most difficult character to write
Alim??? I guess cause heā€™s like grandfatherly and most characters Iā€™ve done in the past never met their grandparents??Ā 
33. Ā Have you ever killed a main character?
Yes, even better! Iā€™m going to kill one in one of my books!!
34. Ā What was the hardest scene you ever had to write?
Kiliosā€™,,,, death Iā€™m-35. Ā What scene/story are you least looking forward to writing?
KILIOSā€™ ORIGIN STORY
The Fun36. Ā Last sentence you wrote
ā€œYeah, Iā€™m alright.ā€ She assures her grandfather after he gives her a look showing that he didnā€™t believe her. ā€œSo, whatā€™s for breakfast?ā€ She quickly changes the subject.
37. Ā The first sentence or your current WIP
ā€œThree creators, each lost in their own right. Their names were taken from books and erased from history. The first to come back will be the one who breathes the anger of volcanoes. Next will be the one who freezes the stars. Finally, the one with powers that are forbidden will come to light. Once together united as one. All will hail the Cold Sun.ā€
38. Ā Weirdest story idea youā€™ve ever had
All of them
39. Ā Weirdest character concept youā€™ve ever had
A manipulative character that ends up saving the world due to having the ability to see at least ten steps of ahead and calculating an infinite amount of possibilities for options due to having who is literally the concept of the creation of stars and demihumans/hybrids as a bearer (Aka Kilios)
40. Ā Share some backstory for one of your characters
AHAHAHAHA
Kyle Evren was born from a phoenix and the Primordial God Khaos. The toddler was neither male nor female. Ze was an outlier much like the being known as Udushunamir, who was a being created by the Egyptian Great God Ea. Kyle was born to die for the Gods.
Kavya Esther was created with the body of Saiph and life was breathed into her by Astraea. Her mother was a phoenix and the Star Goddess Astraea. Kavya was very radiant and creatures of all sizes tended to flock to her. The child was kind and lovely. Kavya was born to die for the Gods.
Kit Keir was born from a phoenix and the Hindu Celestial Deity known as Rahu. Kit was both male and female. Due to cer odd parentage, Kit gained both sexes from cer parents. Kit was a very elusive and dreamish teen. Ce would often be found drifting off into cer own little world without a care of anyone around cem. Kit was born to die for the Gods.
Kilios Caelum was born from the ashes of who he used to be. He was ruthless and tired. He was angry at what heā€™s been through. He swore to rise far above what he attempted to accomplish beforehand. He would build an empire, he would rise to the sky. Kilios refused to die for the Gods.
The Rest of It41. Ā Any advice for new/beginning/young writers?
Jot down any idea you have, no matter how vague or bizarre it is, write it down.Research, for the love of the gods, research whatever you need for your book and please please use multiple sites.Talk to other writers and ask for input, itā€™s alright to be nervous so just message them privately. Hell, you can ask me Iā€™m always up for learning about new writers.
42. Ā How do you feel about love triangles?
As long as it makes sense and doesnā€™t cause the main plot to be pushed as a subplot Iā€™m good with it fam
43. Ā What do you do if/when characters donā€™t follow the outline?
Mutter dark threats under my breath and curse my characters for putting me in the backseat of my own damn writing.
44. Ā How much research do you do?
Literally, a third of my whole writing process is contributed to pure research.
45. Ā How much world building do you do?
By the time Iā€™m done, if someone finds it theyā€™d think I just found the world and wrote down what the people told me.
46. Ā Do you reread your own stories?
Yes and itā€™s physically painful
47. Ā Best way to procrastinate
Youtube and Drawing
48. Ā Whatā€™s the most self-insert character/scene youā€™ve ever written?
KILIOS IS LITERALLY ME THEN HE WENT OFF AND GOT HIS OWN STORY THE BASTARD
49. Ā Which character would you most want to be friends with, if they were real?
All of them because they are my children and I love them.
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why-this-kolaveri-machi Ā· 6 years ago
Text
Notes on SPN 14.02
So! I saw 14.01 yesterday, which was for the most part, surprisingly, a blast, and since I have a bit of free time today I thought Iā€™d keep a hold of the momentum and watch and liveblog 14.02 as well. Iā€™ve heard itā€™s one of those Buckleming plot-a-paloozas, but Iā€™ll try my best to provide semi-reasonable commentary instead of incoherent ranting.
Right. As always, typing this post up as I watch. SPOILERS for the episode ahead.
1. We start with a recap of last seasonā€™s finale, and Show, do you really want to remind us this many times about that wire-fight?
1.25. Showā€™s lore regarding possession has been dizzyingly inconsistent, but the more I think about it, the less sense it makes to me that Nick is alive? Because Nick couldnā€™t actually house Lucifer for very long in s5ā€”he was deteriorating, which was why Lucifer needed Sam so urgently. The last we saw of Nick, he was dead/dying in a dingy room in Detroit, when Lucifer jumped ship to Sam. Even if Lucifer assumed Nickā€™s visage in the Cage and afterwards when he was brought back, Nick-the-person with Nick-memories and Nick-feelings isnā€™t there anymore.
1.255. So what does this mean? Like, if this was explained away sometime over the last two seasons--Iā€™m very sorry, I really wasnā€™t paying a lot of attention to large chunks of themā€”please let me know. If thereā€™s no explanation, then has Lucifer disappeared inside a Nick-construct? Did he use a loophole to escape the worst of the Archangel Blade right at the moment Dean plunged it into his side? Lucifer was ā€œhumanā€ for a while in s13, iirc. Did he have enough ā€œhumanā€ to hide behind and recover? And has he filled that human with the memories/personality of one of the humans he knew best? Is it because he spent centuries assuming Nickā€™s body in the Cage that heā€™s most comfortable being him here?
ā€¦ I donā€™t know. Maybe Iā€™m missing something obvious, but, hey, itā€™s fun to speculate.
2. We start off with people artfully tied up in an artfully derelict church illuminated artfully by artful lightning.
ā€¦ *groans* I hope we arenā€™t getting a torture scene already.
2.25. Well, Michaelā€™s certainly chirpier than he was last episode.
2.5. Is he trying to make new angel minions, is that it, by feeding them blood and his grace? Leaving aside the lack of creativity in the mechanism, the whole thing kind of makes a weird sense. Michael is looking for those with purity of purposeā€”among religious leaders (and refugees, apparently), angels, and then finally monstersā€”and rejecting those ā€˜poisonedā€™ by nuance and experience and supposed sin. After all, no being whose wants are even slightly more complex than ā€˜foodā€™ is going to be a perfect follower.
It also plays into his assholey, self-righteous personality and, well, god-complex.
(Dean wouldā€™ve appreciated this quest for pure purpose.)
3. Thereā€™s a kind of sitcom-y vibe to this little expository scene: Bobby talks shit about angels only for Castiel to walk in with a quirked eyebrow; the group talks about Jack and Lucifer only for Jack to walk in and go, ā€œhey, you talkin bout my father again?ā€
(these are the tiny ways I feel SPN is at cross-purposes with its own theme of ā€˜found familyā€™. Everybodyā€™s obsessed with blood relations, to the point that Lucifer and Jack are constantly referred to as ā€˜father and sonā€™ when there is no need to bring that relationship up. Last year, even Castiel referred to Jack while talking to Lucifer as ā€˜your sonā€™ without any prompting from Satan. Words are so powerful, and so revealing.)
3.45. Castiel ā€œas you know, Bobā€-ing is hilarious. Oh, Buckleming.
3.5. Um, not to dismiss or compare Castielā€™s considerable trauma at the hands of Lucifer, but is anybody going to acknowledge even once that Sam, who appears to have taken the brunt of caring for Nick so far, is also going to have trouble looking into his abuserā€™s face??
4. Nick continues to make no sense to me.
(I like little touches like Castiel telling him that he needs to remind himself to eat.)
4.5. I kinda like this scene, sue me. It makes sense to me that Nick would obsess over and over again about how he couldā€™ve let himself say yes to Lucifer, although Lucifer is as old as time and had all the power in that situation. The ā€˜monsterā€™ bit is a little too on-the-nose for me, but I like it. Really drives home what an intimate, horrifying violation possession is and how scarred and twisted it can leave the survivor who spirals down a well of undeserved guilt and self-loathing.
I wish Sam was the one talking to him now, or was at least present. Heā€™d talked in the previous scene about how Nick was only ā€˜housingā€™ and deserved a chance to rebuild his life, and that hard-earned generosity of spirit wouldā€™ve been a balm to all three of them, I think.
5. ETA on the TOD, Bobby? *sporfle* Seriously though, I love this role-reversal: usually itā€™s Bobby whoā€™s rolling his eyes at SamnDeanā€™s eff-bee-eye shenanigans.
5.25. Ah, but where this Bobby has become an expert now is in telling the difference between smiting patterns!
5.5. I wonder if trying to appear non-threatening is just Samā€™s default whenever he meets with, uh, ā€˜civiliansā€™.
6. I really, honestly hate that the Bunker just happens to have ā€˜lore booksā€™ on whatever the hell random question theyā€™re having that day. I just kinda hate the Bunker in general, now that I think about it.
6.25. But doesnā€™t that ā€˜human componentā€™ (lol) make a Nephilim strong enough to take down even archangels?
6.5. As pep talks go, that wasnā€™t bad. A few notes:
a) thereā€™s an earnestness to the words that Iā€™m sure that Castiel learned from Sam.
b) I think this is the first time that Castielā€”or anybodyā€”has referred to the events of 8.23 as ā€œThe Great Fallā€. Itā€™s interesting that itā€™s already gotten a name among angelkind and that Castiel would call it that, given how close he was to the events that led to it.
c) I want to both laugh and cry at Castielā€™s assertion that Sam and Dean were there for him after he lost his grace. He was mostly left to fend for himself, obviously, but thereā€™s no space for that in a pep talk.
d) Sometimes itā€™s easy to forget that Jack is actually just only a year old. Asking him not to dwell on something soā€¦ immediate is a tall ask.
7. Ok, so that was a nice snappy little counterpart to Lucifer-talking-to-Sam-in-the-mirror from the s5 finale. I like how Michael is blunt and matter-of-fact while Lucifer relished in the moment, bragged about how heā€™d had Samā€™s number all his life, and seduced him with violent revenge. This is nice.
I donā€™t know, guys, Iā€™m really enjoying this episode so far!
8. Sooooo Lucifer is residing in some subconscious layer of Nickā€™s mind? Is this PTSD shaped by his possession? Is Lucifer bleeding through his own construct? Are we going to find that it was actually Nick who killed his own family? (I think we are.)
8.2. Castiel looking for residual Lucifer in Nick reminds me of when he was doing the same for Sam re: Gadreel, and that reminds me of Deanā€™s ā€˜teen momā€™ joke from that episode and now Iā€™m pissed off.
8.5. Nick is fascinating, but is he fascinating enough that I care about his little revenge sub-plot? Eh. Juryā€™s out. Plus I just canā€™t stand the actor anymore
9. Samā€™s just kinda there to move the plot along. Give him some more character moments, episode!
10. Michael reminded me of Dean in the scene with the werewolf. Iā€™m really not getting a capital P personality from Michael, though that may be due to a personal choice. Or maybe because Michael was never a distinct character to begin with, and this is far more noticeable when Ackles plays it and ā€˜Deanā€™ threatens to take over any minute.
Or going meta for a secondā€”maybe Michaelā€™s deliberately infusing some Dean into his persona. Possession isnā€™t simply putting a thing inside a box: both entities are influenced and informed by the other, but only one has all the power.
11. ā€¦ ok, so my interest in this Nick subplot is rapidly decaying. Nick did it. He killed his family. Itā€™s not a mystery.
11.5. The emotional dynamics of this sceneā€¦ checks out, actually. Of course Nick is projecting all his rage on Castiel. And of course Castiel regrets destroying Jimmy Novakā€™s life the most. More than toeing the party line and being instrumental in almost bringing the Apocalypse about in s4; more than releasing the Leviathan; more than trusting Metatron in s8; more than killing his brethren, whoā€™ve tortured him back and tried to kill him on more than one occasion. But Castiel has been both angel and humanā€”both possessing and being possessedā€”long enough that heā€™s intimately aware of the devastation it leaves both within and without. And there are no excuses for the way he and other angels have done that damageā€”so carelessly, so casually. Even the most well-intentioned angels are deceptive and manipulative and give not a second thought about their hapless vessels. Itā€™s a sign of Castielā€™s growth and compassion that he recognises his responsibility in this and that he invokes Jimmyā€™s name with both reverence and regret. In all this shouting and crying that Show doesnā€™t acknowledge the deep-seated trauma of possession survivors, this is actually a great moment.
12. That werewolf leader looks familiar. Has the actor been on SPN before? He kinda reminds me of one of the leads on Suits.
12.5. Thatā€™s a lot of clunky dialogue, but Michael is basically confirming what I speculated in point 2. Cool.
13. How Jack managed to get away and find his grandparents is never explained, but thatā€™s a familiar Buckleming tropeā€”characters are put together in a scene without any regard to how it might connect to other scenes or how/why those characters mightā€™ve gotten there.
13.2. That said, itā€™s kinda poignant that Jack, having lost his angelic powers, is now trying to understand the human side of his heritage. Heā€™s trying his best to adapt to his situation; this one year old kid is more well-adjusted than most of the adults on this show.
13.5. Well, holy shit, Jack talking about Kelly to his grandparents is justā€¦ making me feel emotional in a way this show hasnā€™t made me feel in a long, long time. This Calvert kid is good.
13.6. It is bizarre that Kellyā€™s parents are mostly ok with not knowing Kellyā€™s whereabouts for over a yearā€”I donā€™t think we ever found out what position exactly Kelly held in the Presidentā€™s office, and I can picture them in a bit of denial by telling themselves the reason they havenā€™t heard from Kelly is because she is in the middle of super-secret government work. I donā€™t know! But itā€™s just about handwave-able though, and their scene with Jack is worth it.
14. Honestly, Castiel, how did he travel so far and for so long without you noticing? So much for ā€œDonā€™t worry, Sam, I will babysit this defenceless creature.ā€
(Speaking of Sam, wheeeerrreeeā€™s Saaaaammmm)
ā€œI suppose there are worse ways to be human than to be kind.ā€
ā€œHave you heard from Sam?ā€
I LOVE YOU, JACK.
14.5. No, actually, Dean wouldnā€™t want it any other way. He said as much when Gadreel took over Sam completely back in s9.
15. Shoo, Nick.
16. FINALLY MORE SAM. With only like 4 minutes of episode left. What, Show, did you think you spoiled us too much last episode with all that glorious, glorious Sam content?
16.25. And finally a bit of action! The rapid-fire editing is making my head hurt, though.
16.5. Soooooooooooooo Deanā€™s back? Obviously Michael is playing a long game here, but it says something about the show that they canā€™t keep Dean away for more than two episodes without getting the shakes. I honestly miss Sera Gamble and her desire to rattle the status quo: in s6, she kept the so-called ā€˜realā€™ Sam away for half the season, which gave us imo some of the best storytelling, characterisation and acting from both Padalecki and Ackles in the entire show. In s7 she took away all the Winchester markers: the Impala, weird motel rooms, Bobbyā€™s house. Of course, after she left the show settled back into a familiar rut (substituting Bobbyā€™s house with that thrice-damned Bunker). I wish the show would take risks with these two again. s9 and the beginning of s10 were so very promising but there was no follow-through.
I guess they want to MotW fillers for a few episodes and that would be weird without SamnDean SamnDeaning it in the Impala, but Show, why donā€™t you just say ā€˜fuck itā€™ and try weird on for size? What do you have to lose? I mean, seriously?
17. Nickā€™s the murdererā€”called it!
18. This wasnā€™t terrible, you guys. 95% of the episode was just people sitting around having conversations, the dialogue was clunky, ideas derivative, scenes progressed without any rational links between them, the pacing was wonky, and there was too much exposition. But the emotional beats were solid and the set up is reasonably intriguing. Iā€™ve seen far, far worse BuckLeming episodes.
Pacing is a real issue in this season, though. And Michael is not remotely intimidating as a threat.
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polarwandersea Ā· 8 years ago
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You answered the last question wonderfully so I wanted to ask about your thoughts on solely Bill and his character and presidency.
thank you Iā€™m glad you enjoyed my answer since I basically wrote an essay lol.
Now on to this, Iā€™m sorry but this will probably be another essay because Bill is so complex. Where to start? Oh Bill oh Bill. I think I would start off by saying that I see him as a tragic hero. Stay with me here. The definition of a tragic hero is
ā€œa literary character who makes a judgment error that inevitably leads to his/her own destruction,ā€
an also fitting definition would be
ā€œThe tragic hero is the man of innate nobleness who yet has some one defect that lays him open to ruin.ā€
First letā€™s dissect the nobility. I do very much think Bill is a noble man. This is evident in his origins and upbringing. From an early start Bill had to take on the role as man of the house once he returned to living with his mother and then Roger Clinton (Sr). InĀ My Life,Bill details on how his stepfather while starting off as loving and caring soon gave into his dark side and drinking habits. Some quick examples of this are:
ā€œMother wanted us to go to the hospital to see my great-grandmother, who didnā€™t have long to live. Daddy said she couldnā€™t go. They were screaming at each other in their bedroom in the back of the house. For some reason, I walked out into the hall to the doorway of the bedroom. Just as I did, Daddy pulled a gun from behind his back and fired in Motherā€™s direction. The bullet went into the wall between where she and I were standing. I was stunned and so scared.ā€
ā€œOne night Daddy closed the door to his bedroom, started screaming at Mother, then began to hit her. Little Roger was scared, just as I had been nine years earlier on the night of the gunshot. Finally, I couldnā€™t bear the thought of Mother being hurt and Roger being frightened anymore. I grabbed a golf club out of my bag and threw open their door. Mother was on the floor and Daddy was standing over her, beating on her. I told him to stop and said that if he didnā€™t I was going to beat the hell out of him with the golf club.ā€
This shows Billā€™s nobility and why I think of him as a tragic hero because being shaped by the abuse of his stepfather, he had to be the one to put his foot down and be the man. Essentially he had to take care of Roger Jr and his mother. I think this is what makes him noble in a way because he put their feelings before his although he was dealing with a lot of inner turmoil as well. This is a pattern I think we see throughout Billā€™s life, he even highlights on this in his autobiography as well often using the phraseĀ ā€˜parallel lives,ā€™Ā to differ from his inner turmoil and his outwardly life. Last thing on the nobility that I will come back to later on is that I think Billā€™s upbringing made him extremely empathic to the troubles of others. I think this also probed him to pursue public service in order to help others.
Now to the flaws part which is the second part of being a tragic hero. Billā€™s main flaw was his weakness for women (Past tense because Iā€™m sure heā€™s worked on it now.) What Bill did by cheating was wrong and Iā€™mĀ notĀ trying to justify or romanticize it in any way rather Iā€™m going to give my view on what I think of it and how it fits into my thinking of him as a tragic hero. I donā€™t know why Bill would cheat but part of me has always suspected it had to do with the influence of his step father. His stepfatherā€™s weakness was drinking and Billā€™s was women. I often think that Bill was caught in a tug of war between trying to emulate the two male influences of his life: his grandfather and his stepfather. Being as they were the two father figures he had, thatā€™s all he knew on how to be a man. I think that Bill tried to emulate his grandfather more and thought of him as more of the father figure after all he gives his grandfather a dedication in My Life:Ā ā€œAnd to the memory of my grandfather,ā€Øwho taught me to look up to people others looked down on, because weā€™re not so different after all.ā€
I think Bill was in a way scared to become like his step-father. This is mere speculation on my part but the way Bill talks about his stepfatherā€™s shortcomings makes me think this.
Examples:
ā€œbut he couldnā€™t ever quite break free of the shadows of self-doubt, the phony security of binge drinking and adolescent partying, and the isolation from and verbal abuse of Mother that kept him from becoming the man he might have been. ā€œ
ā€œBut because of the way Daddy behaved when he was angry and drunk, I associated anger with being out of control and I was determined not to lose control. Doing so could unleash the deeper, constant anger I kept locked away because I didnā€™t know where it came from.ā€
Here I think the what might have been part is important. When I first read that part I thought Bill was maybe alluding to himself in a way and what he and his presidency could have been if he hadnā€™t made the mistake of the affair. The other quote I think does justify my earlier statement though that Bill was scared of becoming like his stepfather. I think this is what made his flaw so tragic because Bill obviously wanted to be a good man and a good father in the way his grandfather was but time and time again he gets pulled back into situations that emulate more of what his stepfather would do. I think what is even more tragic is that the affair is what comes to most peoplesā€™ minds when they think of him. Itā€™s sad and it undermines his presidency because he did so much more including signing the 1993 Brady Bill requiring a waiting period and background check to purchase handguns.
To conclude I would like to say that I think Bill Clinton was a great president for facing adversity. Yes, he brought it on and it was a stupid mistake but all I can say is if it had been me, I wouldnā€™t have been able to show my face. This type of strength is something I admire in both Bill and Hillary. That being said, I consider Bill a tragic hero because he did so much, but he had the potential to be considered one of our greatest presidentā€™s, but because of the affair, a lot of people like to use that against him and that and Clinton derangement syndrome stops people from seeing him as so.
So what do I think of Bill Clinton?
I think he is a noble man who tried his best all his life to break away from the influence of his step father.
i think Bill Clinton while flawed is a kind person who has continued to do good with his foundation.
I think Bill Clinton isnā€™t this two dimensional figure he is made out to be and will always be an enigma to some people but most importantly I think Bill is just like the rest of us: human.
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ā€œI learned a lot from the stories my uncle, aunts and grandparents told me: that no one is perfect but most people are good; that people canā€™t be judged by their worst or weakest moments; that harsh judgements can make hypocrites of us all; that a lot of life is just showing up and hanging on; that laughter is often the best, and sometimes the only response to pain.ā€
-Bill Clinton, My Life. (2004.)Ā 
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doomedandstoned Ā· 8 years ago
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Season In Hell:
King Zog
Debut LP Stokes Ungodly Flames
By Billy Goate
Everything's too fucking LOUD!
Australia has always felt like a second home for me, even though I've not gotten over there too often in recent years. My grandparents, after homesteading with a family of seven in Anchorage, decided to uproot and hammer down fresh tent pegs in Western Australia. Well, more like a houseboat, to be precise. One of my earliest memories is watching Tom Baker's Dr. Who (I'll forever identify him with the role) on a black and white television below deck, docked in the harbors of Perth. The whole experience was like being on Earth 2 for me. When I came back as a young adult, I remarked that Australia is what the U.S. would look like if the British had won the War of 1776.
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As you can imagine, then, I'm quite fascinated with the heavy music scene Down Under and follow it keenly. People, it is absolutely exploding there. Just pick your city: Melbourne, Tasmania, Brisbane, and the aforementioned Perth on any given night you can get your ear drums blown by some incredibly talented axe wielders and amp worshippers. One band that recently caught my interest was KING ZOG:
Daniel Durack (lead vocals, rhythm guitar)
Vince Radice (lead guitar, vocals)
Rory Keys (drums)
Martin Gonzalez (bass)
"Guitarist Vinnie Radice started this band with me in 2013 after I'd moved back from London, having lived and worked there for eight years," front man Dan Durack tells me. "We'd both been in rock 'n' roll, garage, and punk bands over the years and it was Vinnie's idea to put together a band to play heavy music, with both of us being obsessive fans since we were kids growing up in rural Western Australia."
You're curious about their name, I'm sure. I was. The first hit you get for your armchair sleuthing is Zog I, King of the Albanians. This enterprising fellow went from Prime Minister to President to King (yes, all three). "Bizarre King Zog" he was called. Despite all of his tyrannical proclivities, perhaps his one redeeming quality is he was one crazy chain-smoker, said go through 200 cigs a day. Could there be a connection to the band? It didn't hurt to ask. "A friend of mine's family is of Albanian descent and told me about Zog," Dan recalls. "A pretty interesting character. I thought the name sounded great, perfect for a metal band."
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Even though King Zog is pushing five, they've only been gigging for the last two years. "It took us ages to find the right rhythm section. It was pretty comical, really. One bassist we believe took all the ecstasy in the '90s. After being in the band for a few months, he went away for a fortnight then came back and forgot everything. Another guy brought a practice amp to rehearsal and starting slapping the bass to Stevie Wonder's "Higher Ground" while we were setting up."
The bad luck didn't end there. "Unfortunately, we had to fire our drummer, Merrick, after we finished recording. Lovely man, but sadly just not the right guy for us anymore. He likes playing fast, with double kick, whereas we just want to get slower and dirgier, if that's a word. We found a killer young drummer, Rory, who's fit in really well, so already looking forward to recording with him. Since it took fucking ages to settle on a recording line-up, Vinnie and I already have a bunch of songs that the band is currently learning. Feels great to be finally progressing after years of being bogged down with people who weren't quite up to it."
King Zog by King Zog
This summer, King Zog's eponymous debut stole my attention. Enticed by Dominic Sohor's arresting album art, I stopped what I was doing and gave it a spin. It's a slow burner with a steady doom groove from end to end. Sometimes a band just does the basics really, really well. So well, in fact, you feel like you're hearing the sound fresh, almost for the first time. That's King Zog for you.
"We finally began recording last year with a rock 'n' roll producer named Ken Watt," the band says, "an amazing guitarist/front man and was in a couple of great Perth rock bands, Valvolux and The M-16s. He's not really a metal guy, but he's obsessed with guitar sounds and tone and knew exactly what we wanted. He set up a studio in his house right in front of Scarborough Beach, one of Perth's most popular beaches. It was winter when we began laying down tracks and it was pretty inspiring seeing the wild coastal weather while recording."
That would explain the churning feeling I'm picking up on here. Songs like the opening "Lost At Sea" present a slow, doom jam with strong, clean vocals that remind me a lot of Plush-era Scott Weiland, emotive guitar solos, and a stormy undercurrent that's pays homage to Alice in Chains, Stone Temple Pilots, and Nirvana, presumably the music. In other instances, the influence of Black Sabbath is both undeniable and welcome (check out "Fuck Island," a real headbanger). While 'King Zog' (2017) is a metal album through-and-through, it is appropriately tempered by these influences, which makes the record, well, interesting to listen to.
"Recording it felt easy since we'd been playing those songs for about three fucking years," Dan remarks. King Zog lucked out in having their debut mastered by famed English sound engineer Noel Summerville, whose resume includes decades of greats, including records by Bolt Thrower, Napalm Death, and Electric Wizard's Witchcult Today, "a record I've been pretty fanatical about since it came out."
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The songs on the new record go back to when King Zog was still in is awkward growth phase, just Dan and Vinnie. "We write well together. We're good at completing the other's songs," Dan says. "I'll put in a bridge here; Vinnie will add a chorus there. Once I get a theme for a song in my head the lyrics come quickly, which might sound obvious to anyone who reads them! I try to keep it simple. I like a good vocal melody having grown up listening to Ozzy, Dio, Gillan, Paul Di'anno, Rob Halford, and Blackie Lawless."
These vocal anchors make sense for this record. While much of doom today adopts death-style vox, Dan prefers singing over the growling. "Cookie Monster style," he calls it. "Just a personal preference. I do like eating cookies -- we call them 'biscuits' in Australia." I almost forgot that. Please pass the biscuits.
And that grungy sound I described earlier? Turns out I was on to something. Dan and I grew up in the same era. "I was a teenager until 1994 and dug some of the grunge bands," he tells me, "particularly Nirvana, L7 and Mudhoney. Some of Soundgarden's stuff. I'd been pretty metal-obsessed as a teenager, but as I got into my twenties I did what a lot of people do and started looking backwards and getting into the pre-history of the stuff I loved, which led to a lot of '60s psychedelia, garage rock, and proto-punk."
This included bands from the groundbreaking Nuggets compilation, The Stooges, MC5, and Aussie acts Radio Birdman and The Saints. "All rites of passage bands for young Australian men," he explains ā€œAustralia had a band called The Missing Links in the '60s which I loved -- trashy and loud. While I never stopped listening to metal, I did embrace '70s and '80s punk and a lot of '60s music."
From there, Dan spend time in London soaking in the scene. "Living in England and its close proximity to Europe was perfect for metal shows and festivals, and I saw a lot of bands. I'd go out of my way to see Electric Wizard. I took a bus to Bristol and a plane to Berlin to see 'em. That band makes me feel like what it must have been like for a Sabbath-loving teenager in the '70s. They are easily the band I most look up to in terms of sheer mind-numbing, crushing, hypnotic riffs." At this point, I was curious what else was on rotation in the King Zog playlist. "Lately been listening to Windhand, Monolord, Yuri Gagarin and we listen to Sleep a lot."
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Before I let front man Dan get back to riff-slinging, I had to ask about Perth. It had been years since I'd been there and I was curious what it was like living and gigging in the City of Light. "Perth's an isolated city. Whether that's reflected in the music, I don't know. There's a small but vibrant metal scene here that's also quite supportive. We've played with grind bands, punk bands, thrash bands, southern metal bands. We supported Acid King last year which was cool. We play loud and there's a lot of young sound engineers in Perth who are okay with that, thankfully.
There was that one time, however. "We played one venue down the road from where I live, an RSL hall (Returned and Services League, a support organization for men and women of the Defence Force) which we played at a couple of months ago. They'd been hosting bands for about a year but shut it down after we played. We'd only played a few songs when the guy who ran the bar yelled at me, saying 'You might be the best fucking guitarist and singer in the world but we'll never know because everything's too fucking LOUD! You've even alienated your own fucking fans, they're sitting outside!' We think the venue is probably better suited to bingo nights."
I don't anticipate King Zog turning the volume down anytime soon. 'King Zog' (2017) is an enjoyable ripper from end-to-end. "We're getting vinyl pressed in the next couple of months so looking forward to getting hold of it. We're focused on the next album already. Only the most lumbering, killingest riffs will make the cut."
Follow The Band.
Get Their Music.
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artificialqueens Ā· 8 years ago
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Visions of Summer - Part Two - Manila x Jinkx by Scarlet
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A/N - Part two of my first Manila x Jinkx fic. I donā€™t reference it in the fic but in my head this is set in the mid 1990ā€™s. Based on the song ā€˜In This Diaryā€™ by the Ataris (lyrics can be found throughout fic) also influenced by a few other songs. I am going to start posting this on my blog @fortheloveofpearlet also.
T/W - drugs, alcohol, bad language, angst and some mild smut references. Told from Jink'x POV.
Part Two- 17
Breaking into hotel swimming pools,
And wreaking havoc on our world.
Hanging out at truck stops just to pass the time.
The black tops singing me to sleep.
The summer of my seventeenth year was the summer I had my first kiss; although probably not how youā€™d imagine it. Karl had gone away to visit his grandparents in the Philippines for the first few weeks of summer leaving me to spend quality time with my friends. At Robbieā€™s annual summer party Karl had come up in conversation, something Iā€™d been dreading.
ā€˜I canā€™t believe we ever thought little Jinxky was asexual! Come on I want all the gory details about you and Karl.ā€™ Jason smirked at me and raised an eyebrow. I frowned a little and dragged on my blunt.
'What gory details?ā€™ I asked him.
'The sex dude.ā€™ Matt chuckled. 'Come on spill! We tell you everything!ā€™
'Firstly,ā€™ I took another drag. 'I have never once asked to hear about your sex life and while the topic is out there, the less I hear about it the better. Secondly, Karl and I have not had sex.'
'What?ā€™ Ben frowned. 'What the fuck do you do all the time?'
'Listen to music, watch movies; go on walks?'
'You havenā€™t had sex?ā€™ Jason looked at me like Iā€™d gone insane.
'No! Weā€™re just friends!'
'So you havenā€™t even kissed?ā€™ Matt took the blunt from my hand with a frown.
'What does just friends mean to you?'
'You have enough friends.ā€™ Jason told me, lighting a cigarette. 'Jesus Jinkx you need to fuck him before I do! Heā€™s seriously hot.ā€™ Jason laughed. He and Matt were trying this whole polyamorous, open relationship sort of thing at the moment. They slept with other people, sometimes they indulged in threesomes, and in fact I think Ben might have been involved once or twice, but they always came back to each other.
'You are welcome to fuck him, we are just friends.ā€™
'Have you ever kissed anyone?ā€™ Matt raised his eyebrow at me. I snatched the blunt back off of him.
'No.ā€™ I shrugged, did it matter?
'Oh jeez.ā€™ Jason sounded in despair. 'Jinkxy, baby, I love you so Iā€™m doing this for your own good.ā€™ He handed his cigarette to Matt and before I knew what was happening Jason shoved me backwards into the nearest wall and his lips attacked mine fast and hard. His tongue made its way into my mouth and I just stood there dumbly and let him kiss me. When he pulled back he took his cigarette off Matt and took a drag with a smile on his face.
'Not bad.ā€™ He told me. 'You know if you want we can help you out inā€¦other areas. Matt and I like a challenge.ā€™ He smirked and I heard Matt laugh.
'Fuck you.ā€™ I groaned.
'Kinda what I was hinting at yes.ā€™ Jasonā€™s smirk grew.
'No! No way! Iā€™m not some sex crazed maniac like you two.ā€™
'Thatā€™s because youā€™ve never done it. Trust us, once you pop you just canā€™t stop.ā€™ Matt slapped Jasonā€™s ass as he said this but I donā€™t know why. I grimaced, sometimes I hated my friends. The summer of my seventeenth year was also the year I had my second first kiss, but that didnā€™t happen until later. Before I had a chance to respond to Matt I felt my phone go off in my pocket. A smile instantly sprung to my lips when I saw his name on the screen. I opened up the text message and found myself laughing at his words.
To Jinkx: Hola from the Philippines Jinkxy!
To Karl: Iā€™m pretty sure they donā€™t speak Spanish in the Philippines dork
I rolled my eyes as I hit send. I barely had to wait a minute for his reply.
To Jinkx: Yeah youā€™re right, Iā€™m a terrible Asian. Howā€™s Robbieā€™s party?
To Karl: Same old. Would be better if you were here.
My friends had gone back to chatting between them, they didnā€™t notice me now engrossed in my phone. Since last summer Karl and I had become great friends. We hung out at school between classes and after school weā€™d hang out most days. It was nice finally feeling as though someone got me. Every now and again I still found myself getting weak at the knees, sweaty palms and a racing pulse around him but I mostly tried my best to ignore it. Sometimes I find myself thinking Iā€™d like to know what it would be like to kiss him. Iā€™d never thought that way about anyone before but sometimes I wondered what it would be like. Again, that was something I tried to ignore. My phone buzzed again and I read Karlā€™s reply.
To Jinkx: Go outside, Iā€™ve got a surprise for you.
I frowned biting my lip as I replied.
To Karl: What kind of surprise?
To Jinkx: It wouldnā€™t be a surprise if I told you. Just go!
I looked back at my friends and they were all engrossed in their conversation so I slipped away. I headed through the crowds of people in the living room towards the front door. I stepped outside onto Robbieā€™s lawn and looked around in confusion. There was nothing here. Just as I was about to get my phone from my pocket and text Karl asking why he was messing with me, I heard a car door open and shut and then he appeared on the street as if from nowhere, his lip curled up in that smile he always gave me.
'What the hell?ā€™ I shook my head. 'What are you doing here? I thought you werenā€™t getting back until next week? Why didnā€™t you tell me you were coming?ā€™
'Whatā€™s with all the questions?ā€™ Karl chuckled. 'Get your butt over here.ā€™ He held his arms open and I couldnā€™t help but run at him and fall into his arms. He held me tightly and I definitely felt my pulse racing.
'I missed you.ā€™ I told him as I hugged him. He tightened his hold on me.
'I missed you too Jinkx.ā€™
'Seriously what are you doing back?'
'What are you not happy to see me?ā€™ He pulled back and raised an eyebrow at me.
'Of course I am! I just donā€™t understand-ā€™
'Nothing to understand.ā€™ He cut me off. 'All you need to know is Iā€™m here and you and I are going on a spontaneous road trip.ā€™ He dangled his car keys in my direction.
'Now?ā€™
'Yes Jinkx, thatā€™s the spontaneous part.ā€™ He laughed, rolling his eyes a little.
'Where are we going?ā€™ I asked but Karl had already started making his way to the driverā€™s side of the car. I slid in the passengerā€™s seat and stared at him.
'Does it matter? Weā€™ll just drive.ā€™ He grinned at me.
'I donā€™t know Karl, I donā€™t know if this is a good idea.ā€™ I bit my lip. Iā€™m really not the spontaneous adventure sort of guy. His grin faded and he nodded a little sadly.
'We donā€™t have to if you donā€™t want to. Itā€™s fine.ā€™ He sounded completely downtrodden and I felt bad for that. I took a few deep breaths and ran my fingers through my hair before grabbing the seat belt and buckling myself in.
'What are you doing? I thought you didnā€™t want to?ā€™ Karl frowned. I gave him a small smile, the lip turned up at the corner that he did so often to me.
'Just put your foot down and drive.'
ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”
We drove all night. We listened to 80ā€™s bands and smoked blunts and talked about everything and anything until the sun started to come up and then we drove some more. Not long after I watched the sun rise, my eyes started finally getting heavy and I must have fallen asleep.
I donā€™t know how long I slept for but when I woke up I had my face pressed against the window and the album Surfer Rosa by the Pixies was filling the car. I stretched my arms as much as I could and yawned. I saw Karl look at me out of the corner of his eye. 'Morning sunshine.ā€™ He chuckled, turning the volume down on the music a little. 'Morning.ā€™ I croaked a little. 'Howā€™d you sleep?ā€™ 'Like Iā€™m in a fucking tin can rattling along a dirt road with no idea where Iā€™m going or why, being driven by a man seemingly with a death wish.ā€™ I looked at him with a small smirk on my face. He tore his eyes off the road to look at me and he had that turned up lip smile on his face. 'Youā€™re such an idiot. A funny idiot, but an idiot none the less.ā€™ He laughed before turning his attention back to the road. 'You should come with a warning you know. Youā€™re driving is terrifying.' 'Oh yeah? And what would you suggest?ā€™ I saw him look at me out the corner of his eye again. I thought for a second and smiled to myself when I thought of the perfect line. 'Fasten your seat belts. Itā€™s going to be a bumpy night.ā€™ I grabbed the pack of cigarettes from the dash board and lit one before rolling down the window. 'Oh shit I know that one.ā€™ Karl groaned with a small frown. 'You should do, we only watched it the other week.ā€™ I kicked my boots off and pulled my feet up to rest on the seat. I could see the cogs turning in Karlā€™s brain for a second before he hit the steering wheel. 'All About Eve?ā€™ 'Ding ding ding!ā€™ I laughed dragging on the cigarette. 'What do I win?ā€™ Karl gasped in mock excitement. 'You get to take me for breakfast.ā€™ I gave him the side eye and he laughed. 'I would love to, but we havenā€™t passed anything but desert in hours. I have no idea where we even are.' It was only when Karl said that that I really took in our surroundings. There was nothing but desert either side of us and the road we were driving along was so baron I wasnā€™t even sure it was actually road. I dragged on the cigarette and bit my lip. 'So weā€™re lost?' 'No, no.ā€™ Karl shook his head. 'Not lost, justā€¦ā€™ 'Lost.ā€™ I sighed. 'I knew this was a bad idea.ā€™ 'Hey, donā€™t say that! Weā€™ll stop next time we see somewhere and buy a map or something.ā€™ Karl shrugged. I was about to respond when my phone started ringing. I pulled it out my pocket and put it to my ear. I didnā€™t have chance to speak before the person on the other end did. 'Oh you are alive. Where the fuck did you go last night? We were worried about you!ā€™ Matt sounded partly panicked and partly annoyed. 'Hello to you too.ā€™ I rested my chin on my knees. 'Well? Where the fuck are you? Iā€™m outside.ā€™ 'Outside where?ā€™ 'Your house dumb fuck.ā€™ Matt sighed. 'Iā€™m not at home.ā€™ I told him. 'Weā€™re going to the pool?ā€™ He sounded a little upset. 'Sorry, I canā€™t.' 'Where are you?ā€™ Matt asked me now. 'Honestly, I havenā€™t got a clue. On some kind of desert road, if you could even call it a road.' 'Roads? Where weā€™re going we donā€™t need roads!ā€™ Karl yelled the Back to the Future quote loud enough so Matt would hear. 'Whoā€™s that?ā€™ Matt sounded confused. 'Who do you think it is?ā€™ I rolled my eyes. 'How the fuck should I know?' 'Whoā€™s in your car right now?ā€™ I took a final drag of my cigarette before throwing it out the window. 'Jason and Ben. Why?ā€™ Matt sounded even more confused now. 'So Iā€™m not with you, Iā€™m not with Jason and Iā€™m not with Ben. Who else might be I with?' 'Youā€™re with Robbie? I didnā€™t think you liked him?' 'Karl jackass, Iā€™m with Karl.ā€™ I rolled my eyes again. 'Karl? I thought he was in Vietnam?' 'The Philippines.ā€™ I shook my head. 'And he surprised me last night.' 'Oh so thatā€™s why you fucked off. Heā€™s gone to get his asshole pounded.ā€™ Matt whispered the last part presumably to Jason and Ben. 'Yes Jinkx! Fucking do it!ā€™ I heard Jason yell. 'Fuck you.ā€™ I swear they didnā€™t listen to a word I ever said. 'Iā€™ve got to go.ā€™ 'When will you be back?ā€™ Matt asked and Iā€™m sure I heard desperation in his voice. 'I have no idea.ā€™ I grabbed another cigarette and lit it. 'Iā€™ll talk to you later yeah?' 'Whatever. Just donā€™t forget who your real friends are.ā€™ Matt spat at me and then the line went dead. I pocketed my phone and looked over at Karl. 'I donā€™t know how I ever coped without you.ā€™ I laughed a little. 'Your friends being assholes?ā€™ He looked at me out the corner of his eye. He never referred to them as our friends. I guess my friends never really made Karl feel all that welcome. Theyā€™d liked that I was their little lapdog; I would always go along with everything they wanted to do and never argue with them. But since I met Karl I had a tendency to spend time with him over them and I guess that rubbed them the wrong way. Maybe if they treated me better it wouldnā€™t have come to this. 'Yeah but whatā€™s new?ā€™ I let my arm dangle out of the open window as I smoked, feeling the breeze on my skin. I heard Karl yawn and I looked back at him. 'You must be shattered.' 'Yeah I am getting kind of tired.' 'Weā€™ve got to pass somewhere soon.ā€™ I would offer to drive but Iā€™ve never even had a lesson. 'Not necessarily.ā€™ Karl chuckled. 'We could always just pull over if you want to rest?' 'I might do. Letā€™s keep going for a bit and see what we find.ā€™ Karl smiled and grabbed the cigarettes from the dashboard. I switched the music to REO Speedwagonā€™s Hi Infidelity and turned it up a little. I saw Karl look at me out of the corner of my eye again with his usual smile that turned up ever so slightly at the corner as the first track started and the lyrics poured into the car. I mentally scalded myself when as I listened to it. Maybe that had been a subconscious decision, or maybe it had been completely random Iā€™m not sure. But what I am sure of was as the lyrics filled the car, it felt like a message. Maybe one I needed to pay close attention to. Or maybe it was just a total coincidence and I was looking way too far into it because I knew the band had a point.
But donā€™t let him go, Just give him a chance to grow. Take it easy, take it slow And donā€™t let him go.
ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”
We drove for a few more hours with nothing but desert around us. I could tell Karl was getting more and more tired with each passing minute. This is why I wasnā€™t spontaneous; we literally hadnā€™t covered any bases here. We didnā€™t have a map or any clue of where we were going. We didnā€™t have any stuff on us, no change of clothes or chargers for our phones or anything. I hadnā€™t eaten in what felt like days at this point and I only had a limited amount of blunts on me. This was no doubt going to be a disaster. Of course what I didnā€™t realise at the time was that this would be one of the best summers of my whole life.
Weā€™d been driving for literally hours, the sun was starting to set again and Karl was panicking because we were running low on gas. Neither one of us wanted to get stranded in the middle of nowhere when it got dark. I was just started to feel myself panic when we saw lights up ahead. I looked over at Karl and I swear his whole face lit up. 'Holy shit, I think our prays have been answered!ā€™ He spoke cheerily, much more cheerily than he probably felt considering his lack of sleep. He excitedly drove towards the lights which turned out to be the smallest town thatā€™s probably ever existed, but it did have a motel. Karl pulled the car to a stop in the parking lot and we got out. We groaned a little, our whole bodies aching. Karl leant against the side of the car and ran his fingers through his hair. I came over to his side. 'I donā€™t have a lot of money.ā€™ I told him but he just shrugged. ā€™S'ok Iā€™ve got it covered.ā€™ He pushed himself away from the car and led me to the reception of the motel. It looked pretty grimy and slightly as though time had forgotten it. Karl paid for a room for us on the ground floor and as soon as we were inside he was stripping off his clothes and I had to look away. Of course Iā€™d seen Karl shirtless before but it made me feel things that I didnā€™t want to feel. I waited until he was under the covers before I turned back around. He watched me from the bed, clearly waiting for my next move. I guess I was supposed to get undressed too but the thought of it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I didnā€™t like get undressed in front of other people, even when we went to the pool Iā€™d be fully dressed, usually all in black no matter how hot it was. Iā€™m painfully skinny, I try not to be self-conscious about it, Jasonā€™s really skinny too but he owns being a self-proclaimed twink. I didnā€™t even get changed in front of people in the locker rooms before gym class, I always changed in the bathroom. I didnā€™t really feel like making an exception now. I came over to the bed, kicked my boots off and got under the duvet. 'Youā€™re still dressed.ā€™ Karl laughed a little. 'Yeah Iā€™m cold.ā€™ I lied, I was actually really warm. Thankfully Karl didnā€™t push it though. He gently took hold of my shoulder and rolled me in the bed so my back was to him. I was confused for a second until I felt him snuggle into me; he put his arm around my waist and held me and one his legs tangled in mine. I felt my breath hitch and my heart start to race. His crotch was pushed into my ass and I had to try and pretend I didnā€™t love the way that felt. His hand found mine and his fingers entwined in mine. He buried his head into my shoulder and I could feel his breath on my neck. And then something really weird happened. I felt my dick stirring in my pants and within seconds I had a full erection. That probably wouldnā€™t be weird for anyone else; I guessed having an attractive man this close to you would elicit that response in most gay guys. But this sort of thing didnā€™t happen to me. Ever. I felt my cheeks burning from embarrassment and I just had to hope to God Karl didnā€™t realise. He didnā€™t though, as I soon realised he was already asleep. I laid there in his arms willing my erection to go down. Iā€™d been confused about my life before Iā€™d met Karl but he made me confused in a whole different way. But I couldnā€™t deny, as I laid in his arms in that seedy motel, it was probably just about as close to happy as Iā€™d ever been.
Things got even weirder in the morning. At some point in the night Iā€™d thrown the covers off me, presumably Iā€™d been too hot and they were now somewhere on the floor. I rolled over to see Karl was still asleep, lying on his back. He also had a tent pitched in his boxers. I felt myself turning red and I had to roll over so I didnā€™t stare. Imagine if he woke up and I was staring at his erection. Only problem was, he wasnā€™t asleep. 'Does it embarrass you?ā€™ I heard him croak and I felt my heart skip a beat. I didnā€™t turn back around. 'Uhmā€¦what?ā€™ I tried to pretend I hadnā€™t seen it. I heard Karl chuckle. 'You know what. Itā€™s a part of life Jinkx. I wake up hard most mornings.ā€™ I didnā€™t know what to say to that so I stayed quiet. I felt the bed shift as Karl stood up. 'I better go take care of myself then.ā€™ He chuckled again and there was that shifting in my own pants. Luckily I heard the door to the bathroom close soon after. I rolled onto my back I couldnā€™t stop the thoughts of Karl on the other side of that door touching himself. It made my own dick harden. I grabbed the sheet off the floor and covered myself in case he came back out and saw it. I stared at the ceiling and tried to think of anything else but it was no use. My eyes closed and I imagined Karl naked, pumping his dick. The thought made my own dick throb achingly. What the hell was going on with me? I never got these kinds of urges, what the hell was Karl doing to me? I knew I had to do something about this though, it wasnā€™t going to go down on its own. My hand slowly slipped inside my pants and I took my shaft in my hand. I pictured Karl doing the same as I pumped myself. I imagined Karl was the one with hand around me. I imagined running my fingers through his hair and his lips pressed against mine. I donā€™t know how long it took to reach my climax because my head was such a mess but just as I felt my balls tightening and my orgasm imminent, I heard the lock on the bathroom go and Karl stepped back into the room just as I came. I looked at him stood there still in his pants. I hoped to God my face wasnā€™t flushed. 'You ok?ā€™ He asked with an amused expression on his face. He knew. He fucking knew. 'Yep, just fine.ā€™ My come was sticky on my hand and filled the inside of my pants. 'Ok.ā€™ Karl smirked at me. 'Letā€™s go explore this one horse town.' 'Yeah sure. I just need to shower first.' Karl chuckled a little. He definitely knew. I removed my hand from inside my pants and rolled over to the far side of the bed where I wiped my hand on the side of the mattress. I subtly tried to inspect myself to make sure there wasnā€™t a visible come stain but there wasnā€™t thankfully. The walk to the bathroom was uncomfortable what with Karl staring at me and the feeling of my sticky come in my pants. I hope these feelings would stop, otherwise this would be a really fucking awkward trip.
ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”
I showered and attempted to clean the inside of my pants as I had no spares and they were a little damp when I put them back on but it was better than them being sticky. Karl was dressed and sat on the bed waiting for me when I came back into the room.
'Jinkxy?ā€™ He asked me as I walked back in.
'Yeah?ā€™ I ran my fingers through my hair to push it off my face before I put my beanie hat on.
'When I came out the bathroom earlierā€¦were youā€¦were you doing what I think you were-ā€™
My phone started ringing. Thank fucking god. I grabbed it from the side and answered it as quickly as humanly possible.
'Hello?ā€™ I didnā€™t even look to see who was calling.
'Jerick where are you?ā€™ My dadā€™s croaky voice came down the phone. He sounded relatively sober, that was new.
'Oh hey dad. Uhm Iā€™m at Jasonā€™s.ā€™ I lied. Heā€™d never met Karl before, not that heā€™d met Jason either but Iā€™d at least mentioned him and I couldnā€™t be bothered to explain to him.
ā€™When will you be home?ā€™
'I donā€™t know, sorry.'
'But I miss you Jerick.ā€™ He sniffed and I bit my lip. Maybe he wasnā€™t sober after all.
'Iā€™ve got stuff to do ok? Iā€™ll be home when Iā€™m home. Youā€™ll be fine Iā€™m sure.ā€™ I rolled my eyes and ended the call. I actually thought Iā€™d rather tell Karl what Iā€™d been doing than talk to my dad.
'Everything ok?ā€™ Karl asked me, clearly sensing I was annoyed.
'Yeah just my dad.ā€™
'Iā€™ve never met your parents.ā€™ Karl stood up, his eyes scrutinising me.
'No, I know. Itā€™s complicated.'
'Want to talk about it?'
'No, itā€™s fine.ā€™ I plastered on a smile. At least the conversation from before had been dropped. 'Letā€™s go find somewhere to eat. You still owe me breakfast.ā€™ I forced myself to laugh and headed to the door with Karl following behind. He clearly had more questions, I could tell by the look on his face. But god bless him for dropping it.
There was a small truck stop diner in the town that was full of truckers. We ordered so much from the menu it barely fit on the table. We demolished most of it too, I only usually ate like that when I was high.
'So are we heading back after this?ā€™ I asked Karl once weā€™d finished eating.
'Back? Why would we go back?ā€™ He lit a cigarette sitting back in the hard plastic chair.
'Because we have no clothes or anything and my phone is going to die soon. Also I am serious lacking in blunts.ā€™ I lit a cigarette too to try and take my mind off the fact I really wanted a blunt.
'We can buy stuff and Iā€™m sure we can find some weed somewhere.'
'So we arenā€™t going back?ā€™
'Nuh uh.ā€™ Karl grinned at me, blowing smile out of his mouth. 'Weā€™re going to have a summer adventure Jinkx. Just you and me and the open road.'
Admittedly, I really liked the sound of that. Maybe too much. We finished our cigarettes and Karl paid for our food and he led me round the back of the truck stop.
'Letā€™s have a smoke and then hit the road.ā€™ He sat down in the dirt and I just went along with it. I pulled out one of my final blunts and lit it before sitting next to him, leaning against the wall.
'We should at least ask how far the next town is or we could be driving all day and all night again.ā€™
'Live a little Jinkx! Itā€™s all part of the adventure.ā€™ Karl smiled at me and took the blunt from my hand. I wasnā€™t entirely sure if this was a good idea but Karl looked so excited about it. I got the impression something had happened when he was away but clearly he didnā€™t want to talk about it and I wasnā€™t going to push him. He looked away from me and out across the desert land as he smoked the blunt. As long as I found somewhere to get more weed Iā€™d be ok. We sat in silence for a little while passing the blunt between us. I was taking the last few drags on it when Karl spoke again.
'You knowā€¦what you were doing this morningā€¦ā€™
'I donā€™t want to talk about it.ā€™ I told him without looking at him, worried I was going red again.
'Was it because of me?ā€™ He asked clearly ignoring what I said. I sighed and used my free hand to awkwardly pull at the hem of my top.
'Does it matter?'
'No I suppose not.ā€™ Karl turned to look at me, I could see him out of the corner of my eye. 'I just want you to know, itā€™s ok if it was.'
I took a final drag and flicked the blunt away before looking at Karl. His eyes sparkled a little and he had that half-smile with the curled up lip on his face.
'What do you mean?ā€™ My voice was low and a little raspy. His smile grew a little.
'Just thatā€¦I donā€™t mind. In fact, I kinda like it.ā€™ He licked his bottom lip and it felt like it happened in slow motion. My heart started hammering hard in my chest and I felt like I couldnā€™t breathe properly. He shuffled closer to me and before I knew it Karlā€™s lips pressed against mine in a brief kiss. And there it was, my second first kiss all in the space of a few days. When he sat back he smiled at me and I think my face must have shown my confusion because he laughed a little. Suddenly he jumped up and started heading back in the direction of the car.
'Come on Jinkx, sit back and enjoy the ride!ā€™ He called over his shoulder. I frowned to myself and jumped up, running after him.
'That could be any of about a hundred movies.ā€™
'Yeah true. I was thinking of Shoot to Kill.' He turned to me.
'Never seen it.'
'Itā€™s probably not old enough for you.ā€™ He laughed a little. 'Weā€™ll watch it sometime.ā€™ He nudged me in the arm and jumped the in car. I frowned a little in confusion. Had I imagined him kissing me or was he just doing such a good job of pretending he hadnā€™t it just felt that way?
ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”
Night was falling again by the time we came across another town and another motel. I was starting to think if I was going to have to keep sleeping in my clothes I would definitely need some new ones. When I woke up the following morning Karl was gone and my phone battery had died so I had no way to get hold of him. I donā€™t know how long I sat there panicking before I finally heard the door unlock and he walked in with a big smile on his face.
'This towns bigger than the last one, they have a Walmart.ā€™ His arms were filled with bags which he dropped on the bed.
'You could have left a note, I was worried.ā€™ I scalded him.
'I didnā€™t think Iā€™d be gone long. Anyway, donā€™t you want to see what Iā€™ve brought?ā€™ He was beaming proudly and it made me chuckle a little.
'Sure.'
'Ok great!ā€™ He started going through the first bag. 'So of course we needed snacks.ā€™ He started throwing bags of crisps, chocolate bars and an array of other things on the bed. 'Then I thought more practical.ā€™ He grabbed another bag and pulled out a pile of black leggings and a variety of black tops, some short sleeved and some long. I smiled brightly grabbing the clothes, god I couldnā€™t wait to get into clean clothes.
'You are a saint.ā€™ I hugged the clothes.
'Pants and socks too.ā€™ He grinned and tossed several pairs of boxers and socks in my direction. He emptied another bag which was full of clothes for him. 'Then we have more practical stuff.ā€™ Another bag contained toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo, razors and deodorant. Heā€™d brought some cheap phone chargers and even a cheap disc man so we could listen to music outside the car. Heā€™d paid a guy to buy him a giant bottle of vodka and packets upon packets of cigarettes. Heā€™d literally thought of everything. But I couldnā€™t help but feel disappointed. The only thing I really wanted was weed. That was probably bad. He emptied all the bags and then looked up at me with a sly smile. 'Donā€™t think Iā€™ve forgotten.ā€™
'Forgotten what?'
His smile grew and he reached into his pocket and pulled out a few baggys stuffed with weed. I couldnā€™t help myself but fall into his arms and hug him tightly.
'You are the absolute best.'
He chucked as he wrapped his arms around me.
'Anything for you Jinkxy.ā€™ He spoke into my neck. The hug ended and I pulled back, grabbing some of the new clothes off the bed. 'Right Iā€™m going to change and you can show me all this town has to offer.ā€™ I smiled at him as I passed him. He surprised me by grabbing my arm and pulling me into another tight embrace.
'Thank you.ā€™ Karl whispered.
'For what?'
'For coming here with me. Thank you for just getting in the car and driving with me. There is not a single person I would rather have this adventure with.ā€™ He squeezed me tightly. My heart swelled at his words. But it also made me think more so than before that something had happened while he was in the Philippines and maybe he needed this trip more than I realised.
ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”
We spent the next few days in that town before Karl started getting bored and we moved on again. He never mentioned the kiss or the real reason we were on this road trip. I didnā€™t ask him about either. The next town we reached was about as small as the first one with a motel and a truck stop diner and not a lot else. This motel had a pool though. Not that we had swimming trunks.
That night Karl had drunk quite a bit and Iā€™d smoked more than usual. We laid in the motel bed on our backs, I thought Karl was asleep so it surprised me when I heard his voice.
'Jinkx?ā€™ He whispered in case I was asleep. 'Jinkx? Are you awake?'
'Yeah I am.ā€™ I lolled my head to the side to look at him.
'I canā€™t sleep.ā€™ He half smiled at me.
'Me either.'
'Letā€™s go do something.ā€™ His eyes sparkled a little and it made me smile.
'Like what?ā€™
'Anything.ā€™ His smile grew and then he jumped out the bed and started throwing his clothes back on. I sat up, I was already dressed, and slipped my boots on. Karl got dressed and grabbed our key, his bottle of vodka and our cigarettes before grabbing my hand. I felt a spark as our skin touched, I usually did. I swallowed hard and tried to ignore it. He smiled at me and then he led me from the room.
It was dark out and Karl led me around the side of the motel, I already knew where he was taking me. He reached the fenced off pool area and pushed the gate to open it but it didnā€™t open. He let go of my hand and tried it again, but it didnā€™t budge. Iā€™m not going to lie, I was relieved; I wasnā€™t going swimming.
'Goddamn it.ā€™ Karl grumbled. 'Looks like weā€™ll have to climb over.ā€™
'What?ā€™ I frowned at him. 'Itā€™s locked for a reason.ā€™
'Oh come on Jinkx, weā€™re having an adventure!ā€™ He said this a lot when I wasnā€™t sure about doing something. It was always an adventure. And I would inevitably sigh and agree with him. This really didnā€™t seem like a good idea though, breaking into a motel swimming pool. He handed me the vodka and the cigarettes and then he jumped the fence so gracefully I was sure he must have done this before. I passed him the stuff over the gate and he looked at me expectantly.
'Come on then.ā€™ He smiled encouragingly. I sighed, I knew I wasnā€™t as graceful as Karl and also he had a little height on me so I wasnā€™t going to make this look as easy as he did. I scrambled up the gate, flinging one leg over it and then the other and then like the useless creature I am, I am fell down to the concrete on the other side. I groaned as I collided with the hard cement. I heard Karl laugh a little before he held his hand out to help me out.
'Oh Jinkx.ā€™ He chuckled a little. 'Are you ok?ā€™ He pulled me up to my feet.
'Yeah.ā€™ I groaned a little. He ruffled my hair and the turned around and skipped over to the pool side. He put the vodka and the cigarettes on the floor and kicked his shoes off. Then he was stripping his t-shirt over his head and shimming his jeans back off. He looked at me over his shoulder and winked at me.
'I donā€™t think this is a good-ā€™ I began but Karl wasnā€™t listening and he cut me off by diving into the pool. The splash seemed extra loud, maybe because I was paranoid about being caught. When he emerged from the water he wiped his hair off his face and swam over to the side of the pool.
'Come in! The waters lovely!'
'I donā€™t think so.ā€™ I shook my head. Iā€™d done a really good job of keeping my clothes on since weā€™d been away and that wasnā€™t going to change now. Karl rolled his eyes.
'Spoil sport.ā€™ He leant on the side of the pool. 'At least light me a cigarette.'
I sighed and kicked my boots off and rolled my leggings up to just below my knees before coming over and sitting on the edge of the pool, dangling my legs in. I picked up the pack of cigarettes and lit one and handed it to Karl before lighting my own. His hair fell onto his face and it was just about one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen.
'You donā€™t like getting undressed in front of people do you?ā€™ He surprised me when he asked that. He took a drag on the cigarette and looked up at me through those large expressive eyes of his. I bit my lip and looked away.
'I guess not.ā€™ I shrugged.
'How comes?'
I looked back at him and he was still staring at me. I took a long drag on the cigarette to try and buy some time.
'Iā€™m just not comfortable with my body.ā€™ I told him as honestly as possible without having to say too much.
'Thatā€™s sad.ā€™ Karl smiled sadly at me. 'Insecurities suck.'
'Yeah.ā€™ I agreed.
'So you wonā€™t come in?'
'Iā€™d rather not get undressed if thatā€™s ok.ā€™ I sighed. I wanted to get it, I wanted to frolic in the water with the Karl like a normal boy but I just couldnā€™t.
'You donā€™t have to get undressed.ā€™ He smiled brightly all of a sudden and then stubbed his cigarette out on the side of the pool. Before I knew what was happening he grabbed my arm and pulled me into the water. My cigarette disappeared somewhere and my head went under. I came back up gasping for air, wiping the water out of my eyes and my hair off my face. I looked at Karl who was laughing.
'Asshole!ā€™ I splashed him with a wave of water but he only laughed harder.
'I just wanted you to join in on the fun.ā€™ He smirked. My clothes stuck to my body as I swam passed Karl towards the shallow end. It was a little too deep to stand.
'Where are you going?'
'Iā€™m getting out!ā€™ I called back to him as I headed to the steps.
'No donā€™t! Youā€™re wet now.ā€™ He swam after me and caught up with me. He grabbed my shoulder just as I was reaching the steps.
'Yeah and whoā€™s faults that?ā€™ I turned back to him.
'Oh come on Jinkx, live a little.ā€™ He smirked. The pool was shallower here and we were able to stand. Karl leant against the side of the pool. I suppose I was wet now, I guessed it didnā€™t make any difference. I leant next to Karl on the wall and crouched down a little so the water came up to my shoulders.
'Can I ask you something?ā€™ Karl asked me softly, he wasnā€™t looking at me.
'I guess.'
'I probably already know the answer to this, but if youā€™re that bad with taking your clothes offā€¦are youā€¦I mean have you everā€¦ā€™
'No.ā€™ I cut him off. 'I have never had sex.ā€™ I knew where he was going.
'Oh. Ok.'
'It canā€™t be that hard to believe. Look at me.ā€™ I turned to look at him and he looked at me. He was frowning.
'What does that mean?'
'Oh come on, who the hell would want to have sex with me? And even if there was some crazy person that did, you know how confused I am about that kind of stuff.'
Karlā€™s lip curled up at the corner and he reached out a wet hand and stroked my cheek.
'I think you sell yourself short. I think you are beautiful.'
I swear to god my heart stopped beating when he said that. No one had ever called me beautiful before. I didnā€™t believe it.
'Stop it.ā€™ I moved his hand off my face. 'Donā€™t lie to me.'
'Iā€™m not lying.ā€™ Karl frowned. 'I thought you were beautiful the first time I laid eyes on you and you get more and beautiful every time I see you.ā€™
'Stop!ā€™ I raised my voice a little and moved away from him. 'Just stop.ā€™ I pathetically felt tears behind my eyes.
'Jinkx, it kills me to think you donā€™t realise how beautiful you are.ā€™ Karl bit his lip.
'Youā€™ve lost your mind. Why are you lying to me?ā€™
'Iā€™m not! Why do you think I kissed you?'
My heart skipped a beat at the mention of the kiss. It felt like so long ago.
'I donā€™t know, because you felt sorry for me? Thatā€™s why Jason kissed me.ā€™
'Jason kissed you?ā€™ He pulled a face like heā€™d just sucked on a lemon.
'Uhm yeah.ā€™ I probably shouldnā€™t have mentioned that.
'When?ā€™ He sounded annoyed but I donā€™t know why.
'At Robbieā€™s party.ā€™
'What party?ā€™
'The one the other week.'
'Fucking great.ā€™ Karl shook his head, he looked and sounded annoyed.
'What?ā€™ I came a little closer to him.
'Your friends ruin everything.ā€™ He spat sounding more annoyed with every passing second.
'Iā€™m confused.ā€™ I scratched the back of my head.
'I wanted to be your first kiss!ā€™ He raised his voice. 'Fucking Jason! He had to beat me to it. Asshole.'
'Youā€¦you wanted to be my first kiss?ā€™ I frowned, feeling my heart beating hard in my chest. 'Why?'
'Isnā€™t it obvious?ā€™ Karl shook his head again.
'Uhm not really, no.'
'You really are innocent.ā€™ He came closer to me, the water lapping around his waist. I felt that strange air of anticipation Iā€™d felt that night in Mattā€™s basement. Only this time, I had a pretty good idea of what might happen next.
'I hate the thought that Jason got to be your first kiss. I hate the idea that heā€™s gotten to have you in that way.ā€™ He was really close now and my heart had never beat so hard in my entire life. 'I hate him for ruining this for me. But maybe itā€™s my own fault for waiting so long. Iā€™ve wanted to do this since the first time I saw you across that pool.'
'Do what?ā€™ My voice didnā€™t sound like myself. My whole body felt like it was shaking. Karl smiled a little.
'This.ā€™ He breathed and then in one swift move he took hold of my face in his hands and his lips pressed against mine. He pushed me into the side of the pool and his tongue worked its way into my mouth in a kiss much more heated than our first one. He kept hold of my face and I didnā€™t really know what to do with my own hands so I kept them below the water. He pressed his body into mine and I could feel he was hard and it made my own dick begin to harden. The kiss was fuelled by so much passion, more passion that I ever thought it possible to feel. I kissed him back unlike I had done with Jason, Iā€™m not sure I was doing it right though. We were both panting when he pulled back. He let go of my face but he didnā€™t move far. His lip turned up at the corner in that smile that seemed to be reserved only for me.
'Wow.ā€™ He whispered. 'That was better than I ever imagined it would be.'
'Yeah.ā€™ I didnā€™t know what to say. I almost thanked him but luckily I managed to refrain from that.
'Youā€™re special Jinkx. Donā€™t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.ā€™ He leant in again and I let him kiss me once more. I have to admit that I donā€™t think anything has ever felt as good as Karlā€™s lips on mine. I finally managed to move my arms and I wrapped them around his neck. He pressed really firmly against me and our hard dicks rubbed together. I moaned a little into his mouth, I couldnā€™t help myself. One of his hands left my face and trailed down my side. It slipped under the hem of my shirt and he ran his fingers over my ribs making me moan again. It hit me then like a tonne of bricks. As Karl deepened the kiss I realised something that Iā€™d been running from for the last year. I was in love with Karl; I always have been. Iā€™ve tried to hide from it, tried to pretend it wasnā€™t happening and convince myself that it must be something else I was feeling. Iā€™ve always been sure I wasnā€™t capable of such emotions, I didnā€™t think love was something I was able to feel. I was wrong. I knew now as Karl kissed me, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was love. And that scared the absolute shit out of me. His hand continued to explore to my body and his tongue my mouth and I let myself just be consumed by the feeling. I pushed all thoughts of love to the back of mind and just let myself enjoy this moment. But that didnā€™t last long. As Karlā€™s hand found my chest and I moaned a little again, we were snapped out of our perfect moment.
'Hey! You canā€™t be in here!ā€™ A voice yelled and Karl sprang back from me. I spun around to see the burly motel owner stood by the gate to the pool, fumbling with his keys to unlock it. Karl looked at me, a mischievous smile on his face.
'Run!ā€™ Karl instructed me and then he took off swimming for the steps. I panicked for a second hearing the guyā€™s keys jangling as he tried to unlock the gate hurriedly. My brain finally kicked in and I started swimming after Karl who was now climbing out of the pool. He turned to me as I was swimming towards him and motioned for me to hurry. As soon as I was out of the water, Karl grabbed my hand and we took off running. He helped me over the fence at the other side of the pool just as the guy unlocked the gate.
'Get back here!ā€™ He yelled as Karl climbed over. He took my hand again and we ran, me in my soaked through clothes and Karl just in his wet boxers. He led us around the side of the building and pulled me behind some tall bushes. He was laughing and panting when we stopped. He grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me against the side of building and our lips met again. I could get used to this and that worried me. But I couldnā€™t stop him even if I tried. The kiss ended and Karl smiled brightly at me, Iā€™m sure if I looked down his erection would be noticeable in his pants so I kept my eyes on his.
'You have no idea how happy I am I met you.ā€™ He stroked my cheek. 'You completely changed my life Jinkx, you areā€¦you make me feelā€¦ā€™
'Hey!ā€™ The voice cut him off. I was kind of glad of that because whatever he was going to say I was sure I wouldnā€™t have a response to. 'Right you two are out of here. Get your stuff and youā€™re gone.'
'What?ā€™ Karl put his hand on his hip and frowned at the guy. 'You canā€™t do that.ā€™
'I think youā€™ll find I can. The pool was closed for a reason, you jumped the fence and broke the rules. If you hadnā€™t of run I might have let you off.'
'Bullshit.ā€™ Karl scoffed.
'Can we at least stay until the morning? Itā€™s really late.ā€™ I tried to reason with the guy.
'Nope. I donā€™t take kindly to rule breakers. Come on with me.ā€™ He motioned for us to follow him. Karl looked like he was going to argue with him but I shook my head. We followed him back around to the front of the motel and he watched us from the door of our room as we packed our stuff up. He didnā€™t let us get our stuff from the side or the pool so Karl put on some other clothes. He watched us until we got in the car. I hadnā€™t thought to change for some stupid reason and by this point I was really cold. Karl turned the heat up in the car, I assume he saw me shivering.
'Iā€™m way too drunk to drive.ā€™ He shook his head running his fingers through his wet hair.
'I guess we sleep here tonight then.ā€™ I shrugged, there wasnā€™t anything else we could do. Karl sighed in frustration but he nodded and got out the car. Seconds later he returned with a blanket from the trunk.
'Itā€™s going to be a tight squeeze back here.ā€™ He gave me a small smile and Iā€™m sure it was one that said, but I donā€™t mind. Honestly I didnā€™t mind either. We got in the back and Karl laid down, motioning me to lie next to him. I did as I was told but as soon as my wet clothes touched his skin he recoiled.
'Jesus Jinkx youā€™re wet and freezing!'
'Yeah.ā€™ I bit my lip, I wasnā€™t sure what I was supposed to do about that.
'If I promise not to look will you change? Youā€™re going to get sick if you sleep in those.'
I thought about this for a second. I knew he was right but also I really wasnā€™t sure I trusted that he wouldnā€™t look. But I really didnā€™t want to sleep in these. I let myself back out the car and went round to the trunk and grabbed a change of clothes. I felt my hands shaking which was probably really dumb. Karl was laying under the blanket fully dressed when I slid back in. I sat on the small space by his feet and played with the dry clothes in my hands. I was surprised when I felt Karlā€™s hand on my back.
'Jinkx, itā€™s ok.ā€™ He whispered. I bit my lip again and nodded although I wasnā€™t sure I believed him. I started slowly stripping off my leggings, keeping my eyes straight forward to try and pretend Karl wasnā€™t there. I quickly pulled the dry ones on. That was the easy part. I took a few deep breaths before I quickly tugged off my t-shirt and as fast as I could I replaced it with the other one. I threw the wet clothes on the front seat. My heart was racing, I got the impression that Karl had been watching me. I tried to ignore it and I laid down in the small space heā€™d created for me. I had to lay my head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around me.
'I really wish you could see yourself the way I saw you.ā€™ He whispered into my hair. So did I if truth be told.
'Maybe one day.ā€™ I mumbled half hoping he wouldnā€™t hear me. I felt his hand on my chin and he guided my face up so I would look at him. Our eyes met and I saw them twinkle a little. He stroked my damp hair off my face.
'Tonight has been one of the best nights of my life.ā€™ He smiled softly at me.
'We got kicked out the motel.ā€™ I reminded him.
'Totally worth it.ā€™ He chuckled a little. He was right, it had been. But I didnā€™t know how to express such things.
'Hmm, I would rather be in a bed right now.'
'Really?ā€™ Karl smirked. 'I wouldnā€™t be. I get to be closer to you this way.ā€™
'Karl please stop this.'
'Stop what?ā€™ He frowned.
'Stop all this. I am never going to believe you actually feel that way. How could you? Look at you, youā€™re practically perfect in every way and Iā€™mā€¦Iā€™mā€¦ā€™ I was cut off by Karlā€™s lips finding my own again. He cupped my face and within seconds he had managed to roll himself on top of me. We were both hard again within no time at all and I was moaning into his mouth once more. Like in the pool his hand wandered down my body only this time it didnā€™t go under my shirt, it went lower and then he was cupping my dick through my leggings. I froze. He must have felt me tense up because he stopped kissing me.
'What is it?ā€™ He asked, his voice riddled with concern.
'Iā€¦I canā€™t.ā€™ I shook my head, rolling him off of me. 'This isnā€™t me Karl. Youā€™re a great guy but thisā€¦just no.ā€™ I rolled over onto my side so I was facing away from him. I kind of wondered what his facial expression was doing. I hadnā€™t meant to stop things like that. I wanted things to continue, more than anything else in the world. But thatā€™s why I knew I had to stop it. This wasnā€™t me. I wasnā€™t the kind of guy that did this kind of thing. Maybe I should stop fighting it because clearly a part of me really wanted Karl. But I couldnā€™t argue with my gut and my gut was telling it was a bad idea.
'Uhmā€¦ok.ā€™ Karl whispered after a while of silence. I could hear the disappointment in his voice. The next thing I knew the back door was opening and shutting and then the front door was opening and Karl got in the driverā€™s seat.
'What are you doing?'
'Giving you some space.'
'Karl you donā€™t need to do that.ā€™
'Itā€™s ok.ā€™ He waved a hand at me without looking at me. 'I know when Iā€™m getting the brush off.'
'Karl, please donā€™t be like-ā€™
'Goodnight Jinkx.ā€™ He cut me off and I knew the conversation was over. I pulled the blanket up to my chin and I felt my eyes brimming with tears. I hadnā€™t meant to upset him, not at all. I just knew this was for the best. Things I loved left me. Love was not an emotion I was equipped to deal with. So I knew it was easier to push Karl away, even if he ended up hating me than have this all go up in flames because I gave into my feelings. He would understand one day. At least I hoped he would. I hoped this wouldnā€™t ruin our friendship and that somehow we could just go on like nothing happened. Iā€™d never forget the way his lips felt against mine though. Not for as long as I lived.
ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”
Karl was already driving by the time I woke up the next morning, I wondered how long weā€™d been on the road for. I managed to climb my way into the front seat and I lit a cigarette. Karl didnā€™t look at me, he didnā€™t even acknowledge I was there. I smoked about half my cigarette before I decided to try and engage him.
'How long have we been back on the road for?'
'A few hours.ā€™ Was all he said. I sighed and went back to my cigarette. Maybe he was headed home. Maybe he didnā€™t want to be around me now Iā€™d basically turned him down. And why did I turn him down? I think only years of therapy would answer that.
We didnā€™t go home. We ended up in San Francisco. Considering I donā€™t think it takes that long to drive here I think Karl must have led us on detours through Oregon and Nevada, whether he did that on purpose or not was a completely different story. At least here we got to stay in a proper hotel this time. Karl had barely said two words to me and it was starting to get really awkward. He let us in our hotel room and looked around.
'Iā€™ll take the couch.ā€™ He told me.
'Uhm ok? I think the beds big enough for both of us.ā€™
'Itā€™s ok.ā€™ He shook his head. I bit my lip and tried to not look too upset. Weā€™d shared a bed every night weā€™d been on this trip, I was going to miss him being next to me. Clearly I must have really annoyed him. He didnā€™t say anymore to me after that. We settled down to sleep, me in the bed and Karl on the couch. The bed felt too big, too lonely. Iā€™d really fucked this up.
I couldnā€™t sleep without Karl by my side and with the thought that Iā€™d annoyed him running through my head. It also didnā€™t help matters that my phone kept vibrating with incoming calls every few minutes. I was thinking about turning it off when I heard Karl groan.
'Who the hell keeps calling you?ā€™ He grumbled sleepily. I hadnā€™t even realised he was awake. 'If itā€™s one of those friends of yours can you tell them to fuck off?'
'Itā€™s not my friends.ā€™ I sighed. 'Itā€™s my dad.'
I guess Karl must have heard the sadness in my voice because he sat up, I could just about make him out in the dark.
'Why donā€™t you answer it?'
I could have lied. I could have just said that I didnā€™t feel like talking to him but for some reason I found myself being brutally honest which wasnā€™t like me when it came to my home life.
'Because,ā€™ I sighed again, also sitting up. 'Heā€™ll be wasted.'
A long silence filled the room as Karl obviously thought about what to say to that. After a while I just about saw him swing his legs off the couch and stand up. He came over to the bed and sat cautiously on the mattress.
'Jinkx.ā€™ He whispered. 'Whatā€™s the deal with your parents?'
I pulled my legs close to my chest and rested my chin on my knees.
'Itā€™s just me and my dad.ā€™ I confessed.
'What happened to your mom?'
I could see him staring intently at me even though it was dark. This close I could see the concern in his eyes.
'I always thought we were the perfect little family you know? My parents always seemed happy, they doted on me. Maybe I was just naive.ā€™ I paused and ran my fingers through my hair. 'One night when I was ten, I remember it like it was yesterday, my mom read me a bed time story and she couldnā€™t stop hugging me and kissing me. She kept telling me how much she loved me. I didnā€™t realise she had tears in her eyes until I looked back on it. When I got up the next morning she wasnā€™t cooking breakfast like usual. In fact she wasnā€™t in the house at all. And I never saw or heard from her again. My dad took it really badly, he started drinking a lot and basically just lost the plot. Thatā€™s the deal with my parents.ā€™ I couldnā€™t believe Iā€™d told him that. Iā€™d never told anyone that. Karl bit his lip and moved on the bed so he was sitting next to me. He put his arm around my shoulders.
'Jinkx, why did you never tell me?ā€™ He asked me softly, it was as though all the tension between us had suddenly disappeared.
'I never told anyone.ā€™
'Not even the guys?'
I shook my head.
'I met them after it all happened. I never saw the point in telling them, I didnā€™t want to relive it all.ā€™ I didnā€™t cry as I told him, Iā€™d long ago cried all my tears about my mother leaving. The pain was still there, of course it was, and it probably always would be. But I didnā€™t let myself cry over her anymore.
'You poor thing.ā€™ Karl pulled me into a tight embrace and held me for a while. He stroked my hair as he did so and rocked me a little. I thought that maybe I was supposed to cry, but I didnā€™t. 'You could have talked to me.ā€™ He said after a little while.
'Yeah I know. I just didnā€™t want all this. I didnā€™t want the sympathy, I didnā€™t want you feeling sorry for me.ā€™ I wriggled out of his hold and laid back down under the sheets. Karl laid down next to me. 'I guess it why I pushed you away.ā€™ I muttered under my breath but he heard me. He turned his head on the pillow to look at me.
'I over reacted. I shouldnā€™t have acted the way I did, Iā€™m sorry.ā€™ He told me.
'Itā€™s ok. I was hot one minute and cold the next. I donā€™t blame you. I just donā€™t like to let myself get close to anyone if I can help it. And the whole idea of sexā€¦it just confuses me so much I sometimes feel like I canā€™t breathe.'
Karl rolled over onto his side and stroked my cheek.
'I know.ā€™ He whispered. 'I donā€™t want you to feel like Iā€™m pressuring you. If you donā€™t want it thatā€™s fine by me. I do very much like kissing you though.ā€™ His lip turned up at the corner and I couldnā€™t help but smile.
'I like it too.ā€™ I barely got my sentence out when Karlā€™s lips were on mine. We made out but he kept his hands to himself which I appreciated, partly. A part of me thought I wanted him to ravish me. When the kiss ended he rolled onto his back and I did the same.
'Have you uhmā€¦I assume youā€™ve been with guys?ā€™ I asked staring at the ceiling.
'Just the one.ā€™ He replied. 'Back in Minnesota, I had this boyfriend. He was the only one. We decided to end things when I moved to Seattle though.'
'Was it like a big deal, your first time?ā€™ I asked him tentatively. I assumed like my friends, the answer would be no. Who made sex into a big a deal as I did?
'Yeah I guess so.ā€™ Karl sighed a little. 'We didnā€™t like just jump straight into bed together, we dated a while first. It was both of our first times and we wanted to make sure we were ready.'
'Are you happy with how it happened now?ā€™ I rolled my head on the pillow again to look at him and he did the same.
'I donā€™t regret it if thatā€™s what you mean.ā€™ He smiled at me a little. 'So we didnā€™t work out. We were very much in love and we didnā€™t rush into anything. Iā€™m glad he was my first. There are no guarantees in this life Jinkx. You might get lucky and lose your virginity to the person you spend the rest of your life with. You might lose it to someone you love very much at one point in your life but it doesnā€™t work out. You might even lose it in a one night stand. But if youā€™re not ready, youā€™re not ready.ā€™ He told me softly.
'How do you know when youā€™re ready?'
'You just know.ā€™ He chuckled a little and rolled me onto my side so I was facing away from him and he curled into my back and held me. I wasnā€™t sure if I believed him. I didnā€™t think it was something that would just hit you out of the blue and youā€™d know you were ready. Surely it didnā€™t work like that? I would later discover that Karl was right and it did just work like that. I would experience that lightning bolt and I would know without a shadow of a doubt that I was ready. But that wouldnā€™t be for a while yet. But it was ok, we had all the time in the world. Or so I thought.
ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€“
Karl and I spent the next four weeks on the road. We travelled about, even spending a few days in Tijuana, which was an interesting experience to say the least. It was nearing the end of summer by the time we arrived back in Seattle.
I felt even closer to Karl after my revelation to him in San Francisco. We continued to make out at every given opportunity but that was as far as it went. I still kept thinking about what heā€™d said to me that night, about knowing when you were ready and I still didnā€™t believe it. Not long before weā€™d come home Karl had finally told me what had happened while he was visiting his family. Apparently his grandma had been sick for a while and his mom had been out in the Philippines for some time looking after her. Sheā€™d passed away just before summer and Karl and his dad had gone out for the funeral. The money Karl had been splashing on our road trip had been his inheritance. But the thing that had made him want to run away for the summer was the fact that his mom was talking about moving back to the Philippines now her mom had passed so she could be close to her father. Karl obviously hated this idea and heā€™d thought this would be the last summer weā€™d spend together so heā€™d told me he wanted it to be a summer he would never forget. I really donā€™t know what Iā€™d do if he leaves. I donā€™t want to go back to how my life was before I met him. I tried to not think about it. I wanted to just put it to the back of my mind until the summer was over. I didnā€™t want anything to spoil these memories we were creating.
I couldnā€™t get hold of any of my friends when we got back so we decided to head to the pool to see if they were there. It was no surprise that they were. Ben was on a sun lounger with Matt and Jason on loungers either side of him. I could already tell something was up. Matt had his arms folded across his bare chest and Jason was inspecting his nails as I approached.
'Hey guys.ā€™ I said and all three of them looked up at me and Karl.
'Oh you came back.ā€™ Matt rolled his eyes and looked away from me.
'Of course he came back, why wouldnā€™t he come back? Dumbass.ā€™ Jason scoffed. I frowned and turned my attention to Ben.
'Uhmā€¦whatā€™s going on?ā€™ I asked him to which Ben sighed.
'Theyā€™ve ā€œbroken upā€ apparently.ā€™ He said using air quotes.
'Not apparently. We have broken up.ā€™ Jason corrected him. My frown deepened.
'Why?'
'Matt fucked Naomi.ā€™ Ben told me and my eyes widened.
'Do you mind talking about me like Iā€™m not here?ā€™ Matt growled.
'You fucked Naomi?ā€™ I gasped, staring at Matt.
'Yes he did.ā€™ Jason snarled.
'Why would you do that?ā€™ I asked Matt, completely in shock.
'Because I was under the impression that Jason and I were in an open relationship. He fucks plenty of guys.ā€™
'Guys being the operative word.ā€™ Jason sat up and glared across Ben at his now ex-boyfriend. 'You know how I feel about her! You knew it would piss me off!ā€™
'Firstly,ā€™ Matt sat up too so he could look at Jason. Ben was looking back and forth between them like he was watching a game of tennis. 'I didnā€™t realise it would piss you off. And secondly,ā€™ he scratched the back of his head and bit his lip. 'I never thought youā€™d find out.'
'You didnā€™t think Iā€™d find out?ā€™ Jason scoffed. 'She is one of the most popular girls in school, you think that shit wouldnā€™t get about? And after last year she hates me, of course she would make it her personal mission that I found out.'
'Whatever.ā€™ Matt rolled his eyes. 'I think youā€™re being over dramatic.'
'Fuck you!ā€™ Jason raised his voice. 'That ho is fucking welcome to your sorry ass.ā€™ Jason flopped back onto his sun lounger.
'Surely you two can work this out?ā€™ I asked looking between them.
'Who asked you?ā€™ Matt spat at me. 'You donā€™t get to weigh in here Jinkx. You swan off for the whole summer with barely any communication and you think you can just come back and act like nothing happened?'
'What?ā€™ I frowned. Iā€™d been gone a summer, not years.
'You made your choice and it wasnā€™t us.ā€™ Matt shot Karl a look over my shoulder. I turned to look at Karl briefly before looking back at Matt.
'Are you serious right now? Are you actually saying I canā€™t be friends with all of you?'
'Thatā€™s exactly what Iā€™m saying.ā€™ Matt folded his arms. I looked at Ben who just shrugged at me then I looked at Jason but he wasnā€™t looking at anyone.
'Well in that case, thank you for making me see I made the right decision.ā€™ I spat back at him. 'Come on Karl, letā€™s get out of here.ā€™ I turned on my heels and headed away from my so called friends with Karl following close behind. We made it back to his car and he took me by the shoulders. He pressed me against the car and kissed me hard. When he stepped back he stroked my cheek.
'Itā€™s ok, I wonā€™t ever leave you.ā€™ He told me. We both knew given the circumstances that wasnā€™t something he could guarantee but I appreciated it anyway. 'Are you going to be ok?ā€™
I smiled a little and kissed Karl again. How could I not be ok with him around?
'Iā€™ll be fine.ā€™ My smile grew and I hooked my hand around the back of his neck, as I had the perfect quote up my sleeve. I played with the back of his hair and muttered the line from one of our favourite movies. 'After all, tomorrow is another day.'
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cherrystreet Ā· 8 years ago
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I was tagged by @loveliestlarry and @all-these-larrythings, originally by @lululawrence - thank you!
(Iā€™m sorry I suck and it took me so long to get this out there!)
ā€”
Annual Writing Self Evaluation
1. List of works published this year:
1.Ā 7 Up 2. (I Will Run Into) The Hurricane 3. Second Timeā€™s the Charm 4. Just a Trim 5. 210 Days 6. All the Right Moves 7. Rated R 8. Tug-of-War 9. This Wicked Game 10. Never Be 11. Roots and about a thousand and one drabbles
2. Work you are most proud of (and why):
Probably Tug-of-War. It was an emotional piece to write and I loved seeing the characters come to life. Itā€™s everything I love in one story: tension, pining, friendship, comedy (I hope), heartbreak, AND A DOG (letā€™s be real, that dog was the star of the story). Everyone has been so receptive and I feel so lucky being able to see peopleā€™s reactions to a universe I spent so much time creating, one that means so much to me.
3. Work you are least proud of (and why):
Just a Trim. Itā€™s a canon story and thatā€™s something I donā€™t particularly enjoy writing/reading anymore.
4. A favorite excerpt of your writing: I think it depends on the day you ask me. Sometimes I pull out angsty pieces, sometimes I pull out dialogue, sometimes itā€™s comedic. Today, itā€™s this.
From a drabble request, going off of Tug-of-War:
Itā€™s driving in cars, screaming at each other, Louis slapping Harry across the face and Harry punching him back, not hard enough to actually hurt. Itā€™s being at the lake the next summer, Louis tackling him off of the dock and into the water, soaking him and nearly breaking off his foot in the process, sunburned and his smile so bright, it threatens to take over his entire face. Itā€™s moving Louis into college, pretending that heā€™s happy for him and letting Louis put him in a headlock for their picture, but when Louis pulls Harry in for a sweaty hug just before Harry leaves, he hooks his chin over Louisā€™ shoulder and he can feel Louis crying before he sees him. Harry canā€™t leave him, and stays for another two hours. Itā€™s Louis, Harry, and Chris dressing up as the Three Musketeers for Halloween one year, Harry looking over the edge of his Solo cup as Louis pushes Chris up against the door and kisses him through a smile, Harry immediately going for a refill. Itā€™s Harry temporarily moving into Louis and Chrisā€™ house after Chris dies, both of them incoherent and unable to do anything other than lay there and cry, and when Harry thinks Louis is finally asleep on day three, he rolls out of the bed slowly to go shower and Louis sits up immediately, fresh tears on his face, begging Harry not to leave him. Itā€™s hair dyed blue, itā€™s drunken bar nights, itā€™s the Jeep windows down and the air whipping around like mad, itā€™s late night phone calls that are sometimes silent but always filled with thoughts, unspoken but so obvious.
5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:
I read everything. Everything. I want to see reactions, positive and negative. I like to know what Iā€™m doing right and what Iā€™m doing wrong, what people like most. So I search. I read every single message, anon, tag, reblog, tweet, post, etc. There have been so many words over the past year, that picking a favoriteĀ ā€œreviewā€ would be absolutely impossible. Too many beautiful, kind words have been said about the mess of ideas Iā€™ve thrown together to make a story, and I canā€™t believe how fortunate I am to receive them.
There is one, though, that will stick with me forever, Iā€™m sure. Someone recently commented on 7 Up and went over the death within the story, comparing it to the way theyā€™re handling their own motherā€™s disease. Their mom has Alzheimerā€™s, has for over a decade, and they said they felt fortunate that theyā€™ve had ample time to say goodbye, and when she passes, ā€œitā€™ll feel like saying sweet dreams,ā€ instead of wanting one more day. And that took my breath away, that someone whoā€™s going through such a difficult time could remain so positive, and then compare my storyā€™s words to their own life, saying it resonated with them in a great way. Iā€™m still stunned.
6. A time when writing was really, really hard:
Twice, in particular. The first was over the summer when I began working on This Wicked Game. I had very few readers at that point, and the surge in attention was intimidating. I wanted to please everyone at once and really pushed myself to get it done with quickly so people wouldĀ ā€œrespectā€ me, and it caused a LOT of stress. Looking back, I see how stupid that is.
Second time was over the autumn. Iā€™d lost my job and both my grandparents in a matter of weeks and I wasnā€™t coping well. I fell apart for a while. I think Iā€™m doing alright now.
7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:
All the Right Moves. Word 1 to 17,000. Iā€™m typically most comfortable writing something that requires resolution, and obviously, ATRM didnā€™t need that, and that was out of my comfort level; I was afraid people wouldnā€™t like the fact that there wasnā€™t any conflict. I was surprised - and pleased - that so many people were so fond of it, and that the majority of the comments on it were along the lines ofĀ ā€œI had no idea that epilogue/prologue was coming.ā€ Iā€™m so happy that with a basic, short fic like that one, there were still some surprises to be had!
8. How did you grow as a writer this year:
Iā€™m more patient now. In the beginning, I wanted everything done so badly, Iā€™d skip over somewhat pivotal parts and describe them briefly because I wanted to get to theĀ ā€œgood stuff.ā€ Now, I know itā€™s worth it to take my time. I hope thatā€™s noticeable to people other than myself.
9. How do you hope to grow next year:
Someone commented on Roots a few weeks ago and said they were shocked I hadnā€™tĀ ā€œplateauedā€ yet, and I now think about that every time I open Google docs. I donā€™t want to be boring or predictable. I hope to still shock or surprise anyone who reads; I hope I continue to improve, and to never settle.
10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):
Once upon a time, I admitted to a long distance friend that Iā€™d always wanted to try to write, and she told me to do it, and that she thought I could. She made me post my first piece, she cried through emotional scenes, she listened when I was hurting over hateful messages, she encouraged, she edited, she gave ideas, she talked me off the edge more times than I can count, she loved me even when I was being an absolute lunatic and she probably wanted to tell me to shut the hell up, she was proud and always told me. Three flights back and forth to each other over the past six months, Iā€™ve found a best friend in someone I didnā€™t know at this time two years ago, and having her as my best cheerleader is only a plus. She is the only one who knows I write, and I picked the perfect person to keep my secret safe. Thank you, Rita.
(Also, thank you @alicedoesntsharefood and @littlechilllarrie, especially, for essentially counseling me from Europe. Real MVPā€™s.)
11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:
The death in 7 Up was based on the way my cousin passed away a few years ago, and Louisā€™ hesitancy/anxiety in This Wicked Game was also based on a personal experience. Iā€™ve also written a lot of locations Iā€™m familiar with!
12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:
Writing is fucking hard. If anyone told you itā€™s easy, theyā€™re lying, or a robot. Write for yourself, not for others, and if youā€™re not happy with it, keep working. Push through. The end results are always worth it, even when it seems absolutely impossible.
Youā€™re a writer. If you write one word or 100,000, if you publish it or not, youā€™re a writer. Chant it over and over again until you believe it.
13. Any projects youā€™re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:
Iā€™m very excited about what Iā€™m working on now - a love to hate to love fake relationship au (??? thatā€™s aggressive, sorry). It has a lot of angst and comedy and tension and these are a few of my favorite things.
I also have plans to start an amnesia fic within the year - thank you @cuethetommo for putting that idea into my head because now itā€™s all I think about and I kind of hate you for it. But I love what I have going on in my head, so far, and Iā€™m eager to write something thatā€™s a popular trope without having it be repetitive. A challenge!
14. Tag three writers whose answers youā€™d like to read. ;)
Who hasnā€™t been tagged yet?! Iā€™ve had this sitting in my drafts for a week and I feel like most people have done it already! Iā€™m sorry if I tagged you and you already completed this!
@a-writerwrites @tobeakingbesideyousomehow @coffeelouis
Three people who have been wonderfully encouraging in the past year, and I know they have been working hard, themselves! I hope 2017 is a wonderful year for you! Youā€™re much deserving x
ā€”
*All answers should be about works published in 2016. Also, you can skip any questions you hate or donā€™t want to answer, but please leave them on the list so that others can do them if they want. :)
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kidsviral-blog Ā· 7 years ago
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Here's Why It's OK To Turn Up On MLK Day
New Post has been published on https://kidsviral.info/heres-why-its-ok-to-turn-up-on-mlk-day/
Here's Why It's OK To Turn Up On MLK Day
I get the outrage over flyers that use Kingā€™s image to get people into the club. But that anger is misplaced.
View this image ā€ŗ
getyourpeople.tumblr.com
Around a week before Martin Luther King Jr. Day, the internet inevitably becomes inundated with flyers advertising local freedom-themed turn-up functions, pulled from sites with lecturing names like Hot Ghetto Mess, No Way Girl, and Get Your People. The response is also predictable: We tweet and retweet and like and reblog and shake our heads and suck our teeth and say things that our parents and grandparents have no doubt said at some point in their lives. Martin Luther King didnā€™t die for this. Heā€™s probably turning over in his grave. All these kids running around with the nerve to be in the club poppinā€™ it and droppinā€™ it and doing it for the Vine on the Kingā€™s day!
Letā€™s discuss why this shit is not okay. MLK did not die so you can put him on your party flyers.
ā€” curlyheadRED (@Nessa.)
In my opinion putting MLKā€™s picture on any club/party flyer is hell of disrespectful! ā€¦
ā€” JrVsDc (@Cuffing Season Coach)
@BET Uh um yeahā€¦ #Twerking for #MLK is a negative #justsayin
ā€” Kels_Spicy58_ (@Pretty Pink)
But so what if a few people want to get drunk and sexy on MLK Day?
Sure, Martin Luther King Jr. didnā€™t explicitly say he had a dream that one day your cousin Mooney could get crunk in any establishment regardless of color in his famous speech, but thatā€™s still a part of being free. As black people, weā€™re still in the margins, but our collective quality of life is a lot better, thanks in part to the work of Dr. King. Why not put on those red bottoms you worked so hard to get and drop it low in the name of progress?
The argument against dropping it low in the name of progress is that these clubgoers are just using the day as another excuse to party, and the use of MLKā€™s name and image becomes a sacrilege and the entire idea of celebrating becomes an offense. Well, consider this: The same thing is done with other non-black holidays and nobody seems to care as much. Memorial Day club party flyers contain all manner of half-dressed women posing next to eagles and American flags and baseball-filled apple pies. And letā€™s not even talk about what they do to the poor Easter bunny. Where is the collective outrage there?
It makes sense that black folks, in general, may be hypersensitive about the way society (read: white people) sees us and the way our history is handled. When your can lose your life over how you look in a hoodie or because your car crashed and you went looking for help or you were holding a toy gun in a Walmart, every day becomes a solicitation to be treated fairly and taken seriously. All our energy is poured into being ā€œrespectable,ā€ prim and proper and perfect enough to maybe not be gunned down in the street by police officers at a higher rate than whites.
ā€œHow can we expect them to respect us if we donā€™t respect ourselves?ā€ asks everyone from your great-grandma Hattie Mae to Bill Cosby to Kendrick Lamar. There is no downtime, no day off. Itā€™s a burden, one that we put on ourselves because we apparently donā€™t have a heavy enough load to carry.
Laughing wherever we want and being our full selves in a public setting, online or offline, is a luxury that many of us donā€™t even know we donā€™t have. In 2008, I started a satirical blog called Little Known Black History Facts. Itā€™s a collection of made-up facts celebrating lesser-known black heroes, like the first person to wish a motherfucker would and the first person to refer to diabetes as ā€œthe sugar.ā€ The point of the blog, as I explained after some considerable backlash, is not to lampoon or trivialize black history, but to attack the idea that one month of reheated black history facts about the same 10 people is an adequate treatment of black history. I also wanted to challenge the notion that weā€™re allowed to laugh at jokes like these only amongst ourselves.
Some said the problem with the blog and its popularity was that there werenā€™t any other websites that were serious celebrations of black history, which isnā€™t true at all. Rappers even weighed in on the conversation, with Bun B of UGK (one of my favorite rap groups, by the way) taking a shot at the memes on his Instagram page. In the caption, he wrote that old battle cry of respectability warriors, ā€œIf we donā€™t respect ourselves we canā€™t get mad when others disrespect us!ā€
View this image ā€ŗ
instagram.com
Hearing that will never cease to tickle me. Like thereā€™s a racist somewhere looking for a black person to push down into the mud who passes over one because his pants arenā€™t sagging. ā€œCurses, this one has too much self-respect! Youā€™re one of the good ones, sir, god bless you.ā€
Item number 383 on the list of Inconvenient Things About Being Black (right after not being able to find a decent nude lipstick) is having to be ever poised and perfect because you never know when other people may be watching, looking for reasons to justify their racism. This idea holds that we teach people how to treat us, that we have to earn the right to be treated humanely rather than being treated with respect by virtue of being human alone.
Weā€™re never allowed to not have our shit together, and having our shit together means following a subjective list of dos and donā€™ts handed down from a faceless kufi-clad person in the sky. Donā€™t twerk. Donā€™t have kids with more than one person. Do pull your pants up because the lower they sag, the closer to doom the race becomes.
So since we have to make sure that white people arenā€™t awful to a single black person on Earth, we canā€™t say the n-word and we canā€™t eat fried chicken or bananas in mixed company (I seriously know people who refuse to do this) and weā€™re also not allowed to drop it like its hot for Kingā€™s birthday. All of that is bullshit. We shouldnā€™t have to dictate our lives based on what white people will think of us and we shouldnā€™t make ourselves responsible for othersā€™ racist thoughts and actions. We should be allowed to be our full, round, complicated individual selves.
Itā€™s not that I donā€™t understand the outrage about all the MLK Day flyers. A lot of them are tacky and ridiculous, and using Kingā€™s image to sell tickets and bottle service is pretty despicable. This, in my opinion, is far more tasteful than this. Yet people seem more outraged about associating King with ā€œlow-classā€ affectations like drinking, clubbing, and gold chains than they are about clubs profiting off of Kingā€™s image.
getyourpeople.tumblr.com
getyourpeople.tumblr.com
Ā  In 2014, Kingā€™s daughter, Dr. Bernice King, told Atlantaā€™s FOX 5 News that she felt like ā€œwe failed to reach these groupsā€ ā€” ā€œthese groupsā€ being the people responsible for creating MLK party flyers. She called the imagery used ā€” often pictures of King wearing Biggie Smallsā€™ crown or rope chains with big gold pendants ā€” ā€œappallingā€ and ā€œalmost embarrassing.ā€ She also said that her father, were he still with us, would have worked with the promoters ā€œto elevate them, to connect with them, to bring them into the movement.ā€
This assumes that these folks are lowly enough to need to be ā€œelevatedā€ and that theyā€™re not already a part of ā€œthe movementā€ (presumably the movement to make a better life for blacks in America).
And this is the problem with respectability politics. Who gets to set the parameters for what is respectful and what isnā€™t? Too often, the idea of ā€œrespectableā€ forced on black people is influenced and defined by a standard of white American morality and normalcy that suffocates and erases us as individuals. We demand perfection of ourselves that white folks couldnā€™t possibly meet either. And I get it; conforming is easier than challenging a system that refuses to see you to open its eyes. These flyers are basically an orgy of the things that black people fear reinforce pre-existing racial stereotypes ā€” rap, drinking, and provocative dancing. These parties never stood a chance.
So, will I be going to any of these drop-it-low-for-freedom parties come MLK Day? No. But itā€™s not because I think theyā€™re blasphemous or am worried that a scornful white (or black) person might catch me in line. Iā€™m just broke and I have bad knees and Iā€™d be beyond embarrassed if I dropped down to get my eagle on and had to have help getting back up. That would be disrespectful.
View this image ā€ŗ
getyourpeople.tumblr.com
View this image ā€ŗ
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. reacts in St. Augustine, Fla., after learning that the senate passed the civil rights bill, June 19, 1964. Associated Press
Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/tracyclayton/let-freedom-turn-up
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artsoccupychi Ā· 7 years ago
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Thoughts on My Last Child LeavingĀ Home
This is a bittersweet time. Iā€™m wrapping up my parenting career.
I mean, I know youā€™re never truly ā€œdone.ā€ After all, before long, Iā€™ll have grandchildren. My friends who are grandparents say itā€™s an adventure that allows them some measure of redemptionā€“since as a 50+ grandparent, all your rough edges have been bumped off, and youā€™re not responsible for the outcomes. So itā€™s just less scary. I have Thanksgivings and family reunions to look forward to. And my two youngest, college students, will probably come home for the summer.
Robyn, her son, Tennyson, and her daughter, Emma
But Iā€™ve just become an empty nester. Iā€™m about to move to Park City, after raising my four children in Orem, Utah. Iā€™ve been here for 33 yearsā€“since I arrived in this town a shiny college freshman, myself, in 1985. As a single mom of four, the past 10 years, Iā€™ve wondered how I would feel about this moment. As my youngest son, Tennyson, has left for a summer job out of state, and then starts his freshman year at a university several hours away. Did I do the job well enough? I try not to dwell on my failures and weaknesses. But, as I look back, there are many things I wish Iā€™d done, conversations I wish Iā€™d had when they were younger.
Back when I was the major influence in their life. Before the hard conversations with teen and young adult kids earned me an eye-roll, and before their peer group became their biggest influence. Are they ready for adulthood, independenceā€“and all the ways Life will give them challenges and trials?
Robyn at Emmaā€™s college graduation
I went to my personal page, on Facebook, and the Green Smoothie Girl page, to ask parents of children over 15 this question: ā€œIf you had it to do over again, knowing what you know now, how would you parent your children differently?ā€ In this blog post, I share some of the answers I got. As for me, Iā€™d go back and not sweat the small stuff. (And as the late, great, Richard Carlson said, ā€œItā€™s all small stuff.ā€) I have always been ambitious, a pusher, with a high bar. Iā€™m not sure that was the right approach. Not with as many ways as I used it.
Iā€™d have dropped everything, as a work-from-home Mom, more often. Made eye contact and just listened, longer. Listened empathically instead of with suggestions and solutions. Iā€™d be far more creative, in finding ways we both can win, to avoid power struggles. Starting with more ā€œconversationā€ before imposing ā€œconsequences.ā€ Iā€™d be amazingly slow to anger, if I could re-invent myself as the perfect parent. Iā€™d save ā€œraising my voiceā€ for that few times in a lifetime where it was absolutely needed.
Iā€™d have let my oldest son drop out of preschool. It was the wrong environment for him, really toxic, in factā€“but I had this fixed idea in my head, that ā€œWeā€™re not quitters around here.ā€ For heavenā€™s sake, he was 3 years old. He never really liked school, after that, and I blame myself. Sometimes quitting is the exact right thing to do. I should have let him quit piano, earlier, too. I fought with him over it, for years. (Who cares about piano! Now, with perspective, I know.)
Iā€™d talk to them younger, and in installments (rather than one ā€œperfectā€ grandiose talk about a big subject). About sex, marriage, porn, alcohol and drugs, relationships. How to be a good man who cares for his lady. How to be a woman who stands up for herself, if sheā€™s in situations sheā€™s uncomfortable with. You can read between the lines, there, on the issues my amazing two sons and two daughters have faced.
All that said, I know, too, that extending myself mercy is part of the deal. I went into parenting planning to be perfect, and determined to be a better mom than my own mother knew how to beā€“with her own backstory of trauma and unresolved issues, in an age where no one was intervening to help with those issues. I donā€™t know how many parents have no regrets. If youā€™re one of them, write me a comment on this blog. Share your wisdom. (And feel free to add your own ā€œwhat Iā€™d do differently,ā€ if youā€™re like me, and you DO have regrets. It might help someone.) Parenting is a ā€œlong game,ā€ and we learn it as we go. Each child is so different, and adapting to their unique needs and personalities can make your head spin. Now, many of the parents weighing in on my Facebook post, were the easygoing type. We all ā€œreap the whirlwindā€ of our childrenā€™s innate characteristics that they were born with, combined with the way we knew how to parent, when we were still so young, ourselves. I thought youā€™d enjoy what parents of teens and adults had to say. Read these and see if these pearls of wisdom help you, too. Iā€™m inspired by them, and wish Iā€™d had a list like this, to read several times a year, when my children were very small.
Youā€™ll read some raw angstā€¦some parents who feel they nailed itā€¦others who wish theyā€™d done almost the opposite of my own regrets. But youā€™ll pick up some themes, too. See which of these comments resonate with you:
Maria H. I have learned to not yell at my kids. I raised my voice because I was tired, worn out, and lazy. I hear parents yell at their kids today and I cringe. All I had to do was interact more and connect more with them. Get down to their level. I wish I would have cheered on all their hopes and dreams better. Instead I tried to push my agenda and ideas for them, on them. In doing so, I was basically telling them their ideas, hopes and dreams werenā€™t ok.
Eric W.: Iā€™d make him do more (or really, any) chores. Ryan P. Iā€™d listen and respect the opinion of my children, instead of readily dismissing because I knew I was correct. Christina C. Iā€™d get counseling to work through our own issues before repeating some of the negative aspects of our childhood with our own kids. Now that theyā€™re older, this is harder to do. Melanie H. Let more go. Show more love. Bradley M. Time spent is much more valuable than money spent. Give your kids responsibilities, and trust that theyā€™ll appreciate them later. Kathy T. Treasure every minute. They may seem to drag, some days. But believe me, you will look back and find those moments flew by. Be 100% consistent and truthful. If you say they gotta eat all their vegetables before they get their cookies, you make sure they eat their vegetables. Donā€™t bargain or play that stupid, ā€œOkay, just eat halfā€ game. Kids need to know 100% what to expect. They need sure boundaries. So make the rules and stick by them, and you can avoid the worst headaches. Susan S. Boundaries and consequences must be the same, no matter which parent or grandparent is laying them down. Iā€™d do more activities together, whether itā€™s yard work or hiking or going to the library. Family home evening, anyone? Ramon R. I donā€™t regret a lot. Even our mistakes have been good learning times for us all. But on a do-over I would have set a better example and culture of exercise and self care. I would also have tried to have more patience. ā€œWag more, bark less.ā€ Deb J. Ā Less trying to control their behavior. More time showing how to love.
Pasquel N. Let them fail, and endure the consequences. Amy D. Relationship is more important than responsibility. Brittany H. Spend more time on my marriage and keeping myself connected to the outside world. I didnā€™t ā€œhelicopter parent,ā€ but between the kids and house, and keeping up with our businesses, I lost myself, my marriage, and the businesses. I have my children but the instability in ME definitely impacted them. John S. You must be a great parent, because the bad ones never use introspection or admit they did anything wrong. And yes, one of the biggest things we often neglect to teach our kids is that spouse comes first, children need to see and hear that: they learn from example. Deborah B. Donā€™t sweat the small stuff. Laugh more with them. Ask for forgiveness.
Kim S. I would look into their eyes every time they talked to me. Alyce C. My husband and I both worked full time and choose to work the same weekends so we could enjoy off weekends together as family time. I want to think, looking back, that opposite weekends might have been a better choice because that would have allowed kids all weekends with at least one parentā€¦but hindsight can be skewed. Robin S. I would have a LOT fewer rules and a LOT more fun. Kim D. By example, show them how to pray. If I had just known that He Still Speaks and that itā€™s like talking to a friend, not reading from some perfect script. Itā€™s like having a ā€œHelen Detoxā€ for all matters in life. The Relationship. It really is Key. I would know their Identity. How many times in life are we upset because someone maybe didnā€™t see our worth? If we were confident in our IDENTITY it wouldnā€™t matter. If my kids saw themselves as Christ sees them, they we would be a lot healthier. Randy F. I would not have put my daughter through a 7-year relationship I had, while she was young, with a partner who didnā€™t like her. I spent those 7 years over-compensating for what she wasnā€™t getting from my partner. I will never forgive myself. Greatest regret of my life, donā€™t know what the hell I was thinking. Wayne B. I am still learning how to be a better dad. But the one thing I know is to spend more TIME with them. Nessa N. Ā I spent the last 19 years raising my daughter as a single parent with no help, financial or otherwise. Biggest regret is working so hard all the time to support us that I missed a lot of small joys and TIME. You never get that time back.
I have a beautiful, well-rounded, smart kiddo. She is now a Pre Med student, works full time and goes to school full time. Scary when you can see what values your children take from you, and that they may end up missing the special little things just like I did. Donā€™t forget to stop and smell the roses and enjoy a green smoothie here and there. Amy K. I would teach my children how to stand up for themselves more and not get walked on for being nice and having manners. Jane G. Be kind ALL THE TIME. Riki E. Give them more choice, and allow them to make ā€œaffordable mistakes.ā€ These are great material for teaching moments. Donā€™t shield them from all pain, but instead, coach them on how to work through it. Rochelle T. I wish Iā€™d known how to manage my anger better.
Robyn and her youngest, Tennyson
Andrea R. I wouldnā€™t have always let my child win. To this day (at 27), heā€™s still a sore loser. Even when youā€™re playing snakes and ladders, donā€™t be afraid to climb the ladder and let your kiddo go down the snake. Kim H. My girls are 21 and 23, and Iā€™m not sure I would have changed anything. Although we made plenty of mistakes and hindsight is 20/20, our girls turned out extremely wellā€“but by the grace of God. I was super strict in areas of clothing and what they could watch and listen to, until more age appropriate. I was extremely relaxed in discipline, and never had any trouble with them. We had every pet we could manage. They went to private school, were homeschooled for 5 years, and then went to public school. Both college graduates, Magna Cum Laude. One is starting law school, the other, her career.
Jennifer O. My children are now 26 and 29. I definitely would have been a better example of healthy livingā€“eating healing foods, and speaking more kindly and thoughtfully. We ate mostly the Standard American Diet, and I had a different mindset then. Lisa R. I wouldnā€™t allow video games. We used them as a babysitter when the boys were young. My youngest, now 20, is stuck, and I canā€™t wean him. He has no drive, and didnā€™t graduate high school, though he did get his GED.
Donna S. Both kids, ages 30 and 32, grew into honest, hard-working and well adjusted adults. We were very strict, conservative, made both children own up to their mistakes and work to pay for cell phones and car insurance. I would not change those things. But wish I had known about preservatives in foods at that time. I also wish we had slowed down our pace and had not tried to do so many activities that put stress on everyone.
Michele G. Not to sweat the small stuff, spend more quality time with them. Wendy H. I would teach them to do more things on their own: life skills, making a budget, etc.
Nancy N. When they ask to do something, and request my help for it, I would do it right away. Debbie T. My 3 daughters are 23 to 32. I donā€™t think I would change anything. They made mistakes and got grounded. Most of the time we let them make their own decisions. We sat down with them, and let them know what we expected of them, and told them never to be afraid to talk to us about anything. We are truly blessed. Tracy P. My daughter is 19, and if I could change one thing, I would have waited to give her a cell phone until she was older, and put limitations on it. I feel like she got sucked up in social media and all that entails. Kristin W. I would have fed them a whole foods diet and invested in their nutrition by having a garden. Sharon L. I am a single mom and always had (and have) financial difficulties, but I would have tried harder to figure out how to be able to take us on a family vacation, somewhere, somehow.
Zina W. Iā€™d learn more about their ā€œpersonality typeā€ and teach myself to be more patient and loving, remembering they are each unique and have different needs. Iā€™d spend more ā€œquality timeā€with them. They grow up fast! Ā 
Don F. I would give them less ā€œagency!ā€ Karen B. Iā€™d be more consistent. Iā€™d have applied for services for my children with disabilities before they were teenagers. Susan H. I would have read to them more, and engaged with them more, especially my older kids. They donā€™t come with instructions, so sometimes the first one or 2 become the ones you practice on. I have 9, and I think I was a better parent to the last 6 than the first 3. Natalie W. I would have let them be little, more. I would have followed through and been consistent more. I would take the time to pause and teach more patiently and watch them make decisions and grow and learn with them.
Paula S. I like to think I would have fought with my husband in front of them, which I never did, or pressed for my viewpoint. We had our disagreements in private, and he usually won, and still does. My daughters didnā€™t really know how to assert themselves and argue well, in marriage, when they eventually married. One figured it out. The other did, as well, but only after a divorce.
Liz J. My husband and I separated when the girls were 9 & 12. My only regret is that, because of the divorce, I didnā€™t get to spend as much time with them because of shared custody. I feel like I missed out on so many things when they were growing into their teenage years and especially when they went on trips with their dad to the ā€œotherā€ grandparents for Christmas or on vacations. I felt left out.
Melissa D. I would have spent more time playing with them when they were little, and less time yelling and worrying about the house being perfect.
Holly B. Ā I would not take out my frustrations with the biological mom on my stepson. After 10 years, she still tries to undermine me and keep me out of his life, and as much as I tried to shield him from my negative emotions, I let him see my reactions. Which werenā€™t always good. I would do more to protect him and keep the appearance of peace and harmony. Itā€™s not his fault. Maria C. I wish I would have home schooled. Genevieve W. Ā I would have adopted a family dog instead allowing one childā€™s heart to break when I got a mental health pet for the other. Iā€™m still deeply saddened every time I think of his response. Susan B. I wish I would have taken more of an interest in all my daughterā€™s friends. I gave them their privacy. But they are all such dynamic, young amazing people that in a way I cheated myself out of the pleasure of knowing them more deeply. Teri C. There was so much fear in my sphere, because of their illnesses, that they felt it, even though I didnā€™t talk about it. Now I know to just hold the space for then but not to create energy about it, because it will affect (in a negative way) the thing I was trying to solve for them Margaret P. Ā I was very present and loving with my three children, but I was a caretaker, and cared much more about their feelings than my own. I didnā€™t role model personal responsibility for my feelings and needs. I role modeled self-abandonment. I now believe that half of good parenting is being there for your children and the other half is being there for yourself, role modeling being loving to yourself and to them. I wish I had known that then, but at least I do role model this now.
Helen B. If I could have a redo, I would take more time out for play and just ā€œbeingā€ with my children. I didnā€™t realize how fast time was moving! And though I think I navigated all the milestones with them pretty well, looking back, I think I was that helicopter parent, afraid to let my children fall a bit and learn important life lessons because I couldnā€™t bear for them to have disappointments or hurt. Ā Iā€™m a much better grandparent!
Notes:
My previous blog post, where I ask all of us, as parents, to lighten each otherā€™s loads by being less judgmental towards each other.
See my parenting podcast episodes, on Vibe, where I interview my brother, Rob, about his experience as we were growing up, Episode #40; an interview with ā€œchild whispererā€ Carol Tuttle, Episode #8; and my own episode on 13 Secrets to High-Vibration Parenting, Episode #7.
Ā  ā€”Ā Robyn Openshaw, MSW, is a single mom of four salad-eating, adulting kids.
She has a FREE video masterclass you can sign up forĀ here, to learn how she got herself, and her kids, off the Standard American Diet, to lose 70 pounds and ditch 21 diagnosed diseases.
[Read More ...] https://greensmoothiegirl.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Family-2013-1024x683.jpg https://greensmoothiegirl.com/thoughts-on-parenting/
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lavandeclairdelune-blog Ā· 8 years ago
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One big fucking clean slate..
Let me start this one off by saying that I do not waste my time on or thinking about someone who is not worth it. I feel as though getting this off my chest will be therapeutic, putting this out there will help me to be more at peace with myself and planning for the future. Iā€™m not going to pretend that people in my past havenā€™t influenced the issues that I have today, and it may seem weak or stupid to let them know that the things they did have had such a negative impact on me. Iā€™m not going to sugar coat anything, Iā€™m an idiot for letting so many people walk all over me and for giving so many chances. Up until this point, all of my past relationships have been a complete and utter disaster, in fact I would go as far as to say they have been a complete and utter joke. I need to emphasise exactly how happy my current boyfriend makes me. He is a breath of fresh air, he is wonderful, I can not put in to words how grateful I am for how truly amazing he is, the patience he has with me and the help he gives me in every aspect of my life on a daily basis. I am eternally grateful for him and I am so fucking glad that he exists. I have no doubts about wanting to spend the rest of my life with him. Not at all. But this isnā€™t what this sort of rant or log or whatever you want to call it is about. I never spoke openly about this with anyone and writing it down is actually very helpful. I entered a relationship that I believed was going to be mutual. Iā€™m not sure how long ago now, nor do I actually fucking care, I was never given any indication that it was a joke or a game but apparently it was. I put all of my remaining faith and trust in to this person and they completely annihilated it. I mean seriously, if I was to sit here and type through every single deception, every lie, I would be here all night. I have never met such an utterly repulsive person in my life. Now, Iā€™m not a bully, Iā€™m not a person who wants to intentionally cause a person harm, but the cold hard fact is that this person is so well and truly fucked in the head, that they thought it was completely acceptable to tell the most atrocious lies. From being in hospital, in intensive care, a coma, close to death to a car accident, to lying about where they live, basically about every single aspect of their life. If you have ever been lied to in a relationship then you know how much it hurts, now imagine being told the most cruel of lies whilst being halfway across the world from that person and not being able to do anything to ā€œhelpā€. Unknowingly dedicating yourself to a person whilst they cheat and lie to a number of other girls, promising them things whilst feeding you complete and utter bullshit about how they love you and want to move with you, how you make them want to carry on living yadda yadda yadda, bullshit bullshit bullshit. Imagine my surprise when I was awake at 4am, worried about this guy because ā€œhis grandparentsā€ messaged me telling me he was in hospital in critical condition, all the while heā€™s fucking his girlfriend with his horrendously small penis and helping to raise her child. I know right. I never meant for this to be so long winded, but I honestly think that releasing this information and these feelings will cleanse me of all the negativity and anger I have. I am trying to be more positive so that I can work on my trust issues and focus on living in the moment and enjoying the perfect relationship I have with my wonderful boyfriend. The reason I struggle with trusting and opening up is because of all the shit people have put me through, this person is prominent because of the epic shit-storm they caused for me during the important years of my education. But guess what asshole, I got my degree, I passed, you didnā€™t win, I did. I finished, graduated, moved on, got a flat, got a job. What did you get? Nothing. Youā€™re still the same lazy, unmotivated, pathetic, sponging, lump that you have always been. I have no sympathy for you, 1.) Because you used all of that up when you fucked with my head & 2.) You do not deserve it. You are a fucking terrible human being and I have no fear in saying that. Even though I cut you out a while ago now, I know that you wonā€™t have changed, because you never wanted to. You prefer to lounge around all day trying to trick young girls in to having sex with you, in to feeling sorry for you, telling them sob story after sob story, exactly what you did to me. You told lie after lie, honestly I donā€™t think I could count how many.Ā  So if you ever start feeling sorry for yourself, just know that you DO NOT have the right, because you brought this all on yourself by hurting and manipulating so many people. Thatā€™s right, you emotionally blackmailed me and others in to thinking you were a fragile victim, but in fact it was the other way around. You deserve to feel the way you made/make others feel. You DO NOT have the right to sit and wallow in self pity, constantly pursuing a slothful lifestyle whilst you sit in your hovel and masturbate. You donā€™t care about other people, you donā€™t even care about yourself or even fucking take care of yourself. As for you threatening to kill yourself if people stop talking to you well, honestly I hope you rot in the deepest pits of hell for using such a threat. You are offensive, degrading, manipulative and greedy. You are without a conscience, without guilt, without any empathy, as much as you like to think you are. You use up any girl who can stand to be around you without wanting to vomit. Then you move on to the next one.Ā  So, in conclusion, even though you will probably never read this, I want to say these things. I never loved you, not ever, not for a second. I was going through a very lonely period in my life and you gave me attention. When you werenā€™t being an utter cunt, you on occasion, gave me affection too. Wasnā€™t great, was mostly pathetic attempts at being a man, at being a dominant figure when actually you were like a kid whoā€™d pissed himself in nursery. A disappointment. Just like you used and manipulated me, I did the same to you, only difference was, you were unaware. Yes, Iā€™m very good at lying, do I feel any guilt? Not at all. I can come out of this with a clean conscience, knowing I never put you through what you did to me. And whilst it may have taken me a while to get over the fact that you were fucking your girlfriend whilst I was in a car accident, or that it just possibly might take me a lifetime to fix my head, to mend the fragments of doubt and self-loathing you left behind, I know one thing.. You didnā€™t win. I did. So to finish this lengthy, passive-aggressive unloading of months and months worth of bitterness and anger. I have just this to say; I hope youā€™re unhappy. Because you donā€™t deserve shit. You donā€™t deserve love, because you will never be able to treat a person like they deserve. I hope you are plagued every night by the fact that you are quite possibly one of the worst human beings to poison this earth. Thereā€™s so much more darkness, and I wish I had the patience to go in to detail, but the truth is, I donā€™t want to relive it all. You are a monster, a deeply disturbed individual. A mere ghost of my past, nothing more, nothing less...Ā 
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