#my girlfriend very smartly pointed out how even this very important thing was made an act to please everyone

[cute-chamomile]

I know I've written a lot of poetry around names in my time but the concept is genuinely just so interesting to me

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #498

Top Ten Movie Cameos

The first time I think I ever noticed someone cameoing in a movie was Steven Spielberg. I was watching The Blues Brothers, and there was this guy, who I was sure was Mr. The Berg. I must have seen him in some behind-the-scenes something or the other. But he was a director, not an actor, so it couldn’t have been him, right? Then years later I was reading Empire, and sure enough, I was vindicated. It was indeed the play mountain himself. But more on that later.

So, cameos, then. What is a cameo? Now, in my opinion, I think it really has to be small. Really, it should just be one scene – or even one shot. The smaller the better. I’ve seen people online refer to Judi Dench in Shakespeare in Love or Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder as cameos, which is very, very daft, as those are clearly supporting roles – even if they are quite small (and remember, Dench didn’t win her Oscar for “Best Cameo”, she won it for “We Meant To Give You This Last Year”, which is a very important category in the Oscars). I also think the best cameos should be unexpected; a nice surprising treat. And usually they’re funny – the incongruity of seeing that person in this film. Because that’s the other thing: for a cameo to really work, the person cameoing has to be kinda famous. For instance, some might say that Ashley Johnson in The Avengers is a cameo, but whilst she’s obviously awesome and prodigiously talented, I don’t think she’s instantly recognisable enough (which, y’know, she’s mostly famous as a voice actor); also there’s nothing inherently funny or surprising about her role, she’s a waitress who’s saved by Captain America. It doesn’t feel like it’s saying anything to have Johnson play that role, other than I guess Joss Whedon wanted her in the movie (it’s actually funnier that her brief scene is referenced in Loki, because Kate Herron had the whole of the MCU to draw from in a montage, but chose to use an unknown character who’s in one tiny bit of one film, entirely because she’s a huge fan of The Last of Us – see, that is arguably a cameo).

So my rationale for what is and isn’t a cameo might seem complex or even arbitrary, but when has that stopped me in the past? And so, with no further ado, we now get deep into the weeds of it and celebrate my favourite movie cameos of all time. Oh, and there’s no Bill Murray here; I know, I know, it’s a really famous cameo, but, er, I’ve never seen Zombieland. Sorry.

Stan Lee in Pretty Much Everything (2000-2019): I mean, who else? The absolute King of Cameos. Lee was a massive publicity hound all his life, and passed up no opportunity to get in front of the camera, so once big, proper movies were being made of his comics, he was right there, selling hot dogs in X-Men (2000), rescuing children in Spider-Man (2002), and then right through every MCU film until his sad death in 2019 (and even popping up in Teen Titans!). Hearing him tell Miles Morales “I'm going to miss him,” in Into the Spider-Verse chokes me up every time.

Carrie Fisher & George Lucas in Hook (1991): this has always been one of my favourites because unlike virtually every other entry in this list, you only know this if you’ve been told. But it’s funny and it’s sweet. When Tinkerbell takes Peter to Neverland, she flies over a bridge, where a silhouetted couple are seen canoodling. Her pixie dust falls across them, and they begin to float into the air. And apparently the unrecognisable couple are played by Princess Leia and the director of Star Wars. Which, I think you’ll agree, is pretty cool (Hook is really good for cameos).

Brad Pitt in Deadpool 2 (2018): having an invisible character offers plenty of opportunity for some good gags, especially in a Deadpool movie, but the real laugh in the film comes when the Vanisher is electrocuted and we get to see his face for a split second. And – ha – it turns out to be the hugely mega-famous Brad Pitt. It’s funny because he’s a massive star.

Martin Sheen in Hot Shots! Part Deux (1993): it’s one thing for the movie to do an Apocalypse Now gag, as Charlie Sheen’s Topper Harley sails down a river on a military boat, but hanging a lampshade on it by making it cross over with Martin Sheen’s Willard from the classic seventies Vietnam epic is another thing entirely. And then both actors notice each other – ha, funny, they’re father and son in real life – and say in unison, “I loved you in Wall Street!”. Very on-the-nose all the funnier for it.

Steven Spielberg in The Blues Brothers (1980): well, I mentioned him, and here he is, a totally nonplussed-looking administrator bloke just merrily eating a sandwich. He’s frightfully young (I’m guessing he was probably about 32 or 33) and he’s got a big brown tache instead of his usual ‘Berg Beard, he’s dressed very smartly and he’s awfully polite. His demeanour is hilariously in stark contrast to the mayhem around him, and his public persona is also hilariously in contrast to the raucous and ribald mood of the movie.

Cate Blanchett in Hot Fuzz (2007): this is one I didn’t even notice till I read about it after seeing the movie. In a very funny scene where Simon Pegg’s Nick Angel chats to his ex-girlfriend Janine, she is head-to-toe in forensic gear throughout, with a mask covering her face, so all we see are her eyes. But the gag of it is, she’s played by the phenomenally famous Cate Blanchett. You get a megastar to do one scene but make her unrecognisable. So funny it beats Peter Jackson’s evil Santa.

Don Ameche & Ralph Bellamy in Coming to America (1988): this is another one I remember finding hilarious when I was a kid. Walking down the street late at night with love interest Lisa (Shari Headley), Akeem (Eddie Murphy) nonchalantly gives a huge wad of cash to some poor homeless bums. But it turns out that they’re played by Murphy’s old Trading Places co-stars Ameche and Bellamy – and they refer to each other by their character names from that earlier film. “We’re back!” declares Ameche, referencing the end of Trading Places, when their crooked broker characters were defeated and ruined by Murphy and Dan Aykroyd. It’s a great bit of shared-universe tomfoolery, and very funny for fans of Murphy’s movies. Oh, and speaking of Aykroyd…

Dan Aykroyd in Casper (1995): in 1995 it had been six long, bitter years without a new Ghostbusters film; back then, we could still hold out hope for a proper Ghostbuster 3. Sadly that never came to pass, but it was a very pleasant surprise when Ray Stantz himself popped up in Casper, of all things, fearfully running out of Whipstaff Manor in full ghostbusting regalia and declaring, “Who ya gonna call? Someone else!”. I mean, after facing down Gozer and Vigo and who knows what else, you’d think three sarcastic arsehole ghosts would be no match for him, but maybe the ‘busters were having tough times. Maybe this will all be backstory in Ghostbusters: Afterlife. Maybe Cathy Moriarty and Eric Idle will return the favour and do cameos of their own. We can but hope.

Matt Damon, Luke Hemsworth, & Sam Neill in Thor: Ragnarok (2017): twenty years ago you could point to Goldmember as the, er, gold standard in multi-character cameo pile-ups. And while that is great – Danny DeVito giving the finger, Spielberg back-flipping – I think it’s been surpassed by this minor gaggle of stars hamming it up. Matt Damon – famouser than anyone actually billed in the movie – is An Actor Playing Loki. Dr. Alan Grant from Jurassic Park is An Actor Playing Odin (whilst Odin’s actor, Anthony Hopkins, plays Tom Hiddleston playing Loki playing Odin – do keep up), and Thor’s Real-Life Brother plays An Actor Playing Thor. It’s all delightfully meta and hilarious.

Ollie Johnston & Frank Thomas in The Incredibles (2004): this one’s really sweet, and like the Hook cameo, would very easily slip you by. At the end of the film, after the climactic battle, two old men cheer on the superheroes – “That’s old school!” “Yep, no school like the old school!” – but what’s great is that they’re voiced by – and designed to look like – Ollie Johnston and Frank Thomas, the last two surviving members of the famous “Nine Old Men” group of Disney animators, who’d worked on many of the classic Disney films. This was Pixar and director Brad Bird giving a tip of the hat to the legends who came before them, and made all the sweeter by the fact that Johnston and Thomas (both sadly now deceased) were absolute best buds in real life. A cameo that educates and makes you think! How nice!

There you go. Sadly no room for any of the many great Star Wars cameos, from Daniel Craig through to George Lucas’ entire family. Oh well!

[excitedlysuffering]

Neji Headcanons Collection

Requested from my wattpad account

For everyone who has requested, I’m slowly getting through them, but I’ve been busy and exhausted lately so it’s taking longer than I wanted it to, I’m sorry!

What He Looks For In An S/O~

• Neji is a pretty stoic, introverted guy, so he’d need someone who was more on the introverted side as well. However, he would love an S/O who could bring him out of his shell a little

• He definitely seems like someone who would prefer to date a fellow shinobi so he didn’t have to worry about them and since they most likely aren’t apart of the Hyuga clan, them being a ninja would help his clan be a little more approving

• He needs a PATIENT S/O

• Neji is new to relationships and someone who understands that and wouldn’t rush him would be ideal

• Although Naruto changed Neji for the best, he can still be a little insensitive sometimes, so a partner who has a thick skin is important

• Neji hates small talk with a passion, so he would look for someone who could hold intellectual conversations or who didn’t mind silence

• As an introvert, Neji is something of a homebody, but make no mistake; this boy is always training so you’d best be ready for rigorous training being a regular past time

• COMMUNICATION is key in a relationship with him

• As smart as Neji is, he does not have the aptitude or patience to deal with mixed signals, so just talk to him, please

Relationship With Neji Stuff~

• Neji isn’t clingy by any means, but you’re his girlfriend and he expects to see you often, and will easily become concerned or upset if his partner starts to seem distant

• Trust is the most important thing to him, if he’s dating you he clearly trusts you A LOT, and it will upset him if he notices you don’t trust him as much

• Your relationship will most likely be lowkey, in public at least, but that’s not because he’s ashamed, he’s just an incredibly private person

• Although Neji will enjoy sparring with you, he will also be up to other ideas for dates

• He loves taking walks with you, whether it’s after dark, before average people are awake, or in the middle of the day

• He’s the kind of person to have a certain amount of time set aside for you, whether you spend it out and about, or inside, he won’t interrupt that time unless it’s unavoidable

• He’s very good at picking up your moods and such things, but he doesn’t always know what to do about them, so he’ll help you in ways he knows how tea and training

• He has a great memory. Whether it’s certain dates, the timing of your week, or little things he’s noticed about you; you can trust he won’t easily forget it

• PDA embarrasses him, but he will allow hand-holding and the occasional cheek kiss

• He takes so much pride in his hair, he won’t allow you to touch it until way later in your relationship, but once he does… he’d rather die than admit, so sometimes he’ll wordless put his head in your lap and scowl until you take the hint

• Neji doesn’t just date around, he’s looking for something serious, so if he realizes that you’re not what he’s looking for in a wife he will immediately (and respectfully) end it

How To Lose/Annoy Him~

• Generally, Neji is a very forgiving person since he’s needed to be forgiven many times, but there are some things he won’t tolerate; cheating, slander, and genuine disrespect

• An S/O being rude to someone for no reason would turn him off

• He really can’t stand gossipers and busybodies so if you want to lose him, go off I guess

• Laziness is a major thing for him. He can understand being tired of at your limit, but he really can’t handle his S/O just lazing around for a long time

• Immaturity is a big no-no. Neji comes from a clan who only recognizes maturity and formalities so he would be uncomfortable with an overly childish S/O

• Selfishness or being chronically inconsiderate can and will make him angry

• He won’t even entertain someone with bad hygiene like he really doesn’t understand how someone could be okay with not being clean?

• Incessant complaining and whining will grate on his nerves like anything else

• Not respecting his boundaries, even if you don’t understand them, will have him running for the hills before you could even say ‘Byakugan’

Soft Neji Things~

• Neji isn’t one for constant affection, but once he realizes how much he enjoys the lotus position (you sit in his lap, facing him, legs around his waist) it’ll be a regular occurrence. Whether he’s reading or just savoring your presence you’d better get used to it

• He loves to read and sometimes if you ask beg he’ll read to you and he has the smoothest most ASMR voice ever??

• He actually enjoys shopping with you because he loves helping you choose (and he likes to spoil you)

• I strongly believe that Neji plays an instrument (piano, flute or violin) and sometimes he’ll play for you

• If he’s had a really bad nightmare or his family is stressing him out, don’t be surprised if he climbs in your bed at a random hour of the night

• Locked doors or windows have never stopped this boy, so you’d best expect him to just walk in like he owns the place

• Considerate to the max, he’s always thinking about you and doing small things for you

• You actually bring out a new side to him, he’s more playful and free around you

Random Neji Facts~

• Neji made it into a game without your knowledge to see how many times he can scare you by just waltzing into your house

• He’s incredibly competitive, so the second you mention being the best at something, even in jest, prepare to have to prove it in competition

• His love language is in between quality time and acts of service

• He doesn’t really expect gifts or anything, so if you really want to see him light up, get him a little ‘I’m thinking about you’ gift

• Neji likes to journal, he likes to write down little things about his day, or ideas or even quotes that he heard and liked

• He really enjoys domestic activities because he didn’t really think he’d be able to find anyone to do that with

• He loves receiving and writing letters, it’s intimate and it’s special and he’ll keep everyone you send him

• Neji has a love/hate relationship with his hair; he’s very proud of it, but he hates all the extra work that goes into taking care of it

• He always carries extra scrunchies/rubberbands on missions in case his hair gets loose

• He gets sunburns so easily, he’ll always have sunscreen during the hottest months

Little Things~

Favorite:

• Place to kiss- Your wrist pulse point; it’s intimate and it feels so natural for him, especially when he’s holding your hand

• Way to hug- He loves to place a hand on the back of your head and one on your back; he loves the feeling of being so close to you

• Things to do with you- He loves doing small things with you; reading, drinking tea, or cuddling

• Cuddle position- When he’s not busy, he loves to lay back on the couch with you on top

• Type of date- Lowkey ones, maybe a stroll through the park, or going to a nice little cafe/restaurant

This or That-

• He enjoys spring the most, he loves seeing all the new life after a long winter

• He’s a hardcore morning person, he lives to be productive and the day won’t wait for him to ‘get in the mood’

• He’s a good cook, but as I’ve mentioned, his love language is acts of service so you cooking for him means a lot to him every time

• Loves to read, either on his own or with you and his favorite genres are classics and nonfiction

Conflict Happenings~

• He has a very sharp tongue, but he really hates arguing with you and will try to avoid that for as long as possible

• However, if something needs to be addressed, he will not hesitate

• Would prefer to have a calm, rational, debate, so if either of you loses your cool, don’t be surprised if he just up and leaves

• However, if you say something that crosses the line… God/Pein/Jashin/Kami have mercy on you, this boy will go off

• After the fight is over, he’ll need space to calm down, but once he is, apologies and makeups are quick and sincere

• He refuses to fight over small insignificant things, he finds it beneath him

• He will listen, though, because if something is bothering you, that’s valid to him

• Don’t push him or test his limits, it’ll make him uneasy and feel like he can’t trust you, which can lead to your relationship self destructing

• After fights, whether big or small, he needs some good ol’ fashioned cuddles (you both do honestly)

• He’s a firm believer in not going to bed angry, so even if you’re still upset, he’ll do everything in his power to get rid of his own irritation

• It’s hard to hurt his feelings, but if you do he’s cut deeply, so watch what you say

Modern Neji~

• OMG this boy is one of those people that are always smartly dressed and no one can change my mind

• He’s not a teacher’s pet, per se, but he’s very polite and is always doing his best

• He’s one of those gym obsessed people, but very lowkey about it

• I could definitely see him into fencing and/or martial arts

• He’s the kind of person to only hang out with his closest friends because he feels most comfortable with them

• Most people would know he was from the esteemed Hyuga family, but no one would really process it because he’s not overly flashy and doesn’t really mention it

• He’s still pretty antisocial but after Naruto pretty much shoved his way into his life he started to open up

• Has so many fangirls and is always being asked on dates but is so confused, like why do these strangers always follow him? And who are these gifts from??

• I can really see a turf war between Neji’s fangirls and Sasuke’s fangirls over who’s better

• He most likely majors in business and finance to inherit the Hyuga company or at least have a fundamental role in it

• I think he’d like a roommate, especially if he lives off-campus

• I could see him living with someone like him so he’s not constantly overwhelmed by someone with Naruto’s personality

• Neji is always the model student and I could see him tutoring a few people (begrudgingly, of course)

• He’s always doing his best, but it might not seem like it? Neji is very good at retaining information, so the only time you’ll catch him really studying is if he knows he has trouble in that area

• His living space is meticulously clean and probably kinda bare

• He doesn’t really feel the need to decorate because it’s temporary, but if his roommate wants to he won’t care

• Neji is not a partier, but if his friends drag him to one he might stay for a while

• He’s such a lightweight and he might find himself drunk quicker than he thought possible

• Doesn’t have much of a hangover besides waking up disoriented and dizzy

• I love Neji honestly

Masterlist

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Seven

Part Six

Pairing: Douglas Booth!Nikki Sixx

Warnings: Language, mentions of suicide, minor sexual situations

Tag list:  @fandomshit6000 @lilmou5ie @tamedhearts @divaanya @allieburakovsky @kingbouji3 @evrsncnewyork  @6ixx6ixx@ratedrkohardychick91 @floregrohlssard  @oldschoolimagineblog@thanks2pete @abaldboi @swoopygorl @justjodeye @liith-ium @caos18blog@ytwahsog @shamlessobsessions @scarecrowmax @toadspleen​

**Let me know if you want to be tagged**

-------------------------------------------------------- "How does it feel to be a high school graduate?" My aunt Lily asks me, continuing to stir the cake batter while reading the rest of the recipe from my mother's dessert cook book.

I flip through the rock magazine she brought over, sitting on the counter in a tank top and pair of pajama shorts. 

"Then they're good friends." She finishes her mixing and hands me the chocolate covered spatula. "You're gonna need it to pour the batter in to the pans and spread it out evenly." I remind her and she looks at the cake mixed in the bowl and then at the spatula I'm holding out to her.  "Oh...I knew that." She plucks it from my hand, frustrated with herself. "I swear, I could do everything right when I wasn't sober." She grumbles, pouring the mix in to one of the pans. "I cooked thanksgiving dinner perfectly when I was on coke, and now I can't even bake a cake. I never got pulled over for a DUI when I was using and guess what? I have a big fat ticket stuck to my fridge because I got pulled over for reckless driving last week. Clean as can be. What's up with that?" She scoffs out, pouring the second pan full.  "You mean the thanksgiving you sprinkled cocaine over the brownies instead of powdered sugar?" "I was tipsy and wasn't thinking." She argues.  "Mom had you arrested and vowed to never let me see you until you got clean."  "Because your mom's a bitch." "Aunt Lily, you tried to give me coke brownies."  "It wouldn't have been the end of the world. It's not like it was LSD or heroine." She goes to put the pans in the oven and I stop her.  "Drop them on the counter to make sure they're even and the air bubbles are out." I tell her and she holds each pan above the counter a few inches and drops them both three times, slipping them in the oven, and closing it.  She hands me the spatula to lick it clean and runs a hand through her perfectly styled,  blonde hair.  Aunt Lily was my mother's sister, younger than her by fifteen years, making Lily only a few years older than Nikki, and probably around Mick's age. She was the definition of wild child with her fitted clothes and "trampy" hair, that wasn't really trampy but my mom didn't like it so she called it trampy. She was my age when she fell in love with a some drum player who got her hooked on every drug known to man, and got pregnant for the first time. She ended up losing it when she OD'd on heroine at a Rolling Stone's concert, and her beloved first love left her there to die and never spoke to her again. She was engaged six different times after that, all six of them were up and coming musicians, but I think the eighteen year old inside her clung to any man claiming to be a musician in the hopes of finding someone just like the first one she fell in love with. Although we lived in the same city, I only saw her once every few years. Mainly because she was in and out of rehab, and my mother wouldn't let me near her if she wasn't sober at least a month. The last time she had gotten sober was because she wanted to see me and my mom told her she'd never see me again until she stopped using and stayed sober the rest of her life. She nearly died because she quit cold-turkey just for me.  "So," She nudges my legs with her hip. "I heard Tommy's officially got a ticket to hell." "First class." I add, looking at her with a little smile. "Mom's heartbroken." "I'm sure it's devastating to have to tell a boy who's like your son that he's going to hell with no possibility of redemption." She sighs out smartly. "Poor Charlette. How on Earth will she get by knowing there actually is someone she knows that she can't control?"  "She'll manage." "And does she know she doesn't have you by the ear anymore?" She asks me and I stop my reading and look up at her.  "Wha--" "I go to a lot of the shows on the strip when I can, Viv. I've seen you with them a lot." She explains and I nod, closing the magazine.  "No. Mom doesn't know because if she did, I would be dead."  "Well, you don't have to tell her until you're ready." She assures me.  "Um, I think it'll be sooner when she realizes I'm not at Julliard in the fall." I say and she raises her brows. "What? Why not? You've worked so hard on school and in dance--" "I have other priorities right now. School can wait."  "Does Tommy know you're putting school off for him?" She asks. "It's not just Tommy anymore. I'm friends with all of them, and I don't want to leave them. And Tansy got approached by a modeling agent from New York so she's about to start her own thing, too. I've gotta be here for all of it. These are important people in my life and I can't miss any of it because I'm stuck at school." "When are you telling Charlette?" "When I withdraw from Julliard. I called earlier this week and they're sending me the paperwork in the mail."  The phone starts ringing and I hop off the counter to answer it. "Well, when she kicks you out, and she will, if you need a place to stay or some money or anything, you can call me because I will gladly support your demonic lifestyle." She promises, the both of us laughing as I answer the phone. "Hello?" "Viv, are you busy? Are your parents home?" It's Tansy and I glance at my aunt.  "Um, mom and dad are celebrating their anniversary so aunt Lily came over to babysit, why?" I ask. "You can't panic, okay?" My heart drops to my stomach, worse case scenarios filling my head.  "What's wrong?"  ----------------------------------------------------------- "I am so going to kill him." I mumble, stomping down the hall of the hospital in my pajama's.  Once I get to the room the nurse told us he was in, I see Tansy's waiting for me.  "What the hell happened?" I ask Nikki and he groans, rubbing his forehead from where he's laying in the small E.R. bed. "You called Vivian and snitched on me?" He barks at the small blonde. "It was a seizure. It's not like my heart stopped fucking beating."  "Do you know if you're okay? What were you doing?" I ask him. "Vivian--" He starts but can't finish. "Tox screen is loaded like a .22" The doctor tells us as she comes in with his test results, and looks at me. "Are you the girlfriend he was telling this one not to call?" She motions to Tansy briefly. "Yes." He grumbles, keeping his eyes closed.  "Lots of alcohol, a couple of pills, but I think what got him in to this mess, was the startling amount of Cocaine." She tells me and I glare at him. "Which can cause very serious seizures if used irresponsibly." "How the fuck are you supposed to use Cocaine responsibly?" He asks her. "By not overdosing, dumbass!" I flick his forehead.  "There wasn't any brain damage, but you need to come back if you notice anything abnormal. We're going to keep him here a little while longer until most everything's out of his system, then we'll discharge him." She tells me and I nod, thanking her before she leaves.  "I want to know exactly what happened." I tell him and Tansy, raising my brows when neither of them speak.  "Mick told him he should slow down, and he didn't. When he started seizing everyone at the party left to avoid getting in trouble. Vince didn't want to call an ambulance, neither did Tommy, so Mick dropped us off."  "Stop looking at me like that." He snaps at me and I glance at Tansy. She reads my mind and says: "I'm gonna go look for a vending machine. I'm hungry." Before she steps out of the room.  I turn to face Nikki, thinking of what to say. "Look, I fucked up, I'm sorry, it won't happen again." Nikki tells me, exhausted. "You've been over doing it a lot lately. I think this is your body's way of telling you to slow down," I sit on the edge of his tiny bed, putting my hand over his, brushing his skin with my thumb. "I think you might be getting--" "I'm not a fuckin' addict, Vivian. So shut the fuck up before you even think about tellin' me to go to rehab." He threatens and I open my mouth to speak before closing it, nodding a little.  "Okay, Nikki."  "Okay, Nikki" was my go-to "you're full of it but I don't want to start an argument so I'll just keep my mouth shut and let you do whatever" phrase. I was patient enough to simply say "okay, Nikki" anytime he did or said something I didn't like. That patience lasted through Shout at the Devil, when we all went on tour with Ozzy Osbourne and Nikki, Tommy and Vince were doing everything bad there was to do under the sun. Then I kept that patience with the Theater of Pain tour, in which Tommy and Nikki were doing nothing to contribute to Vince's new found sobriety after he had a drunk driving accident. By the time the tour for Girls, Girls, Girls started, my "okay, Nikki"  patience was used up. We spent the last leg of the tour infuriated with each other. I wanted out of the marriage, he wanted out of the marriage, but neither of us would let the other leave. It made zero sense to the people around us, but it made perfectly good sense to us. By the last few shows, every member of their opening band, Guns N' Roses, was calling me "Stripe" after Izzy Stradlin pointed out I was sweet and fun to be around until Nikki came around, which was the equivalent to feeding me after midnight, and I'd turn in to a Gremlin straight from hell because of it. I should've been offended by the nickname, since I was being compared to a demonic hellion, but I realized it was true. Nikki would enter a room, and his mere presence would piss me off, one of us would start an argument out of nothing, in front of anyone around at the time, Vince or Tommy would always defend Nikki and I would get fed up and try to avoid them, spending most of my time with Tansy and the band that wasn't making me question throwing myself off of a balcony just to get some peace and quiet. But when we first started out, I believed him every time he would look at me after some sort of fuck up and promise me it would never happen again. And all I would say, every single time, was "okay, Nikki."  With the IV fluids he's on, it doesn't take much longer for his system to clean up enough that's he's allowed to go home.  Vince and Tommy gone, probably partying, while Tansy and I make sure Nikki gets inside safely.  "I'll be in the car," She tells me once we're inside, and I nod. "I'll be there in a minute." I assure her. "No, take your time." She gives me a wink I wouldn't have noticed usually, and she takes my keys and heads out. "Do you need anything?" I offer to him and he falls on the couch, closing his eyes with a sigh. "My head is pounding." He complains, rubbing his forehead.  "Here," I motion for him to sit up, and he does, so I can sit down. He leys his head back down in my lap and I start moving my finger tips across his forehead. "I really am sorry, Viv." He says suddenly, almost whispering.  "It's okay." I lie. "Mistakes happen. I'm not mad." "You are, you're just passive aggressive." He points out, eyes still closed. "Would you rather me be aggressive-aggressive?"  "That sounds like it'd be hot." He smirks and I force myself not to chuckle. "You are a cross breed of a twelve year old boy and a bunny." I state and he laughs. Once our laughter settles down, his hand is comes up to grab my crucifix, pulling it off. He just stares at it, a weird, fixated grin on his face, and I watch him. "What's wrong?" I ask, waiting for him to answer.  He just let's it fall to the gross carpet before he sits up, grabs a handful of my hair, and brings my lips to his roughly. I let him, but I have no intention of sex at the moment. He needs to rest. I pull away to breathe after a minute, smiling at his expression, and when his hand goes to take my shorts off, I stop him. "Tansy's waiting outside for me." I tell him but he doesn't care. "It won't take that long," He argues, pushing my jacket off my shoulders, and tugging my shorts off. "I told her I'd be out there in a minute, ten minutes ago." I laugh out as he gets his pants unzipped and unbuttoned, yanking me on top of him. "You have ten seco--" I go completely mute as he pushes my panties to the side and frantically follows my "ten second" rule, before sending me stumbling out the door with sore innards and a hazey high. By the time I get back home, aunt Lily's waiting up for me, eating a piece of her cake. "Is he okay?" She asks, knowing about Nikki's condition when I told her what happened while I was grabbing my keys and shoes before I left.  "Cocaine overdose." I tell her, plopping down on the couch beside her and she raises her brows. "Oh, you've got yourself one of those, huh?"  "Unfortunately." I sigh out, rubbing my eyes.  "Gotta picture of him?" She asks and I step to my bedroom, grab the album from under my bed and grab a polaroid of Mick, Vince, Nikki, Tommy, and Tansy sitting at the booth at the Rainbow. I take it to her, and point at Nikki. "Oh, yeah, that is a whole lotta hair and a whole lotta trouble. Is he one of the reasons you're dropping school?" She says after a moment of silence in the room and I lick my lips.  "I don't recall him officially saying 'hey, you're my girlfriend now', but he told his doctor I was." I avoid her question and she smiles a little.  "Do you feel like you are?" "Yeah. I just thought he didn't want a girlfriend." "Well, he was probably strung out on whatever else he was on, too. He probably wasn't thinking." She explains and I nod.  "Yeah, you're right." "Unless he did mean it..." She continues to examine the photo, smiling softly.  The sound of my parents car door slamming shut causes me to rush back to my room and put the picture up while my aunt cleans up her small mess in the kitchen.  My parents step in to the house, laughing, and my mother's expression falters slightly at the sight of Lily. "Thank you, Lily, for watching her but we're home, now." Is all she says before stepping upstairs. "My pleasure, Charlette!" My aunt calls up after her, and my dad gives her a warm hug.  "Thank you, Lily." He says genuinely.  "I wouldn't do a damn thing for that woman if she married someone like herself." She states and he chuckles.  "Drive safe." He tells her, and kisses my hair, telling me "goodnight" as he heads up to his and my mom's room.  I help my aunt gather her things and as we get to the door, she turns to face me with tears in her eyes. "You are a gifted, beautiful, kind, brilliant girl, Vivian, and I am so very proud of you." Her voice shakes slightly and I furrow my brows. "Don't you dare touch any kind of drug. I don't care what it is. If it's not prescribed to you for an illness, don't take it. Liquor messes with your judgement and at the parties you're probably going to be dragged to by those boys, you need your judgement fully intact or you will get screwed up and I don't need you screwed up. I need you alive, I need you alive so you can live enough for the both of us." She goes on. "Surround yourself with people that make you brave in the best ways possible, and love them. Even when you hate them, you love the hell out of them, understand?" She asks and I nod, still a little confused as to why she's saying these things. She finally exhales, looking me directly in the eyes with a soft expression. "He is very attractive and probably as smooth as they come, but don't ever let that be the reason why you let what he thinks is good for you, keep you away from what you really need." She tells me. "He is not the end-all, be-all, Vivian. You are."  That was the last thing my aunt ever said to me. She ended up relapsing and killing herself when she got back home that night with a switch-blade some wanna be Rockstar left at her house. We later found out it was because Ronnie, her first love, had died of alcohol poisoning a few days before. She had always said she was going to see him again and try to make things right. I hope she was able to do that. 

[baekkxong]

Nightmare

Pairing: EXO Sehun X Reader

Genre: Fluff

Warning: Swearing

Word Count: 1,735

A/N THANK YOU FOR 500 FOLLOWERS OMG

here, have a Halloween sehun scenario

lol I had fun writing this one

Leaning against your bathroom sink, you added the finishing touches to your makeup. Satisfied, you leaned back with a sigh, admiring your appearance. You were pleasantly surprised. Reaching forwards, you picked up the thickly black rimmed glasses and slid them on. You looked great.

The local club was having a Halloween event, something your boyfriend and you had anticipated with great expectations. You’d argued back and forth over what to dress up as. The both of you had agreed that it had to be something relevant and new. You had come up with the idea of Eggsy and Roxy from the new Kingsman movie, while Sehun thought Thor and Loki would be better. The argument had taken place over weeks, until Sehun had finally given in and let you have your way. It was rare; Sehun was very stubborn.

You were fully dressed as Roxy – wearing a grey tweed jacket, a white shirt and dark striped tie. You heard an excited knock at the door, spinning out the bathroom and rushing to let Sehun in. Your eyes widened in shock.

“Sehun!” Instead of a smart, black suit and matching tie you’d expected, he stood in the full Thor suit. Your jaw dropped. He’d even dyed and cut his hair – it was now a dirty blonde with two diagonal strips cut into the side. Two, angry, red lines of paint swam parallel down the left side of face. He’d even gone the extra mile and had ordered a Thor hammer, grasping it proudly in his hand.

“Y/N? Why are you dressed like that?” He cocked his head to the side.

“I could say the same thing…” you trailed off, too shocked to form a full sentence.

“We agreed on Thor!” Sehun exclaimed.

“No, we didn’t! We went with my idea – Kingsman!”

The two of you stood in silence, staring at each other.

The door to the apartment next to yours opened, and your elderly neighbour stumbled out. She stared with wide eyes at Sehun, who looked like he’d stepped right out of a comic book, before giving a confused smile at you both. You smiled awkwardly back to her, feeling ridiculous; you probably looked like some kind of business woman to her.

Grabbing Sehun’s shoulder, you yanked him inside and shut the door.

“What are we going to do now?” you questioned, hands in your hair in distress.

You both took Halloween far too seriously, and you knew it. But in the moment, nothing seemed quite as important as this affair which you’d planned for weeks in advance.

“Who are we going as then? Thor and his well-known assistant?” you demanded, pacing back and forth in the small living room.

Sehun glanced at the clock. “We need to go.”

A little scream escaped out the back of your throat.

“Come on, let’s just go,” Sehun ordered, “we’ll think of a solution in the car.”

You rolled your eyes, but reached for your bag and followed him out the door.

“You know, you look really hot. You should wear those glasses more often.” You turned to thank Sehun, who’s eyes were fixed on the road. “Although, you would have looked even hotter as a female Loki.”

“Ugh, Sehun.” You crossed your arms and turned your head to glare out the window. “I was really looking forward to see you dressed all smartly, like an English Kingsman. You know how I feel about you wearing those kinds of glasses.”

You wanted to be annoyed with each other, but neither of you could really justify why. You’d both messed up your plans as equally as one another.

After a curt drive in the dark, you’d arrived in the city centre.  

“Wait, where are we?” you asked as you stepped out the car.

“There’s no parking spaces near the club; we’ll have to walk. It’s only short,” Sehun explained.

You could have murdered him. Sehun’s idea of ‘short’ was certainly not short, and you had already taken your shoes off before you’d arrived.

“Can you believe this? My feet are already killing, and we’ve not even got into the club yet!” you complained.

“Quit whining,” Sehun instructed, dropping a few coins into the bouncer’s outstretched hand and sauntering into the club. You stumbled after him.

It was loud and bright inside. Characters were wandering all over the place and you seemed to have already lost your other half. You were almost regretting your outfit as the shirt clung to your back with sweat; all the bodies seemed to make the room boil. You stood near the entrance, scanning the huge people-filled room.

“Boo!” A voice shouted into your ear, causing you to yelp in shock as you spun around to see Baekhyun, dressed in a huge black coat and a midnight coloured hat. His black hair was styled in waves, a straight fringe peeking from underneath the hat.

“Baekhyun!” you screeched, eyes still darting round for Sehun in the mass of people.

“Wow, what are you?” he asked, eyes trailing up and down your outfit.

“I’m Roxy from Kingsman,” you stated, still searching for your boyfriend.

“Oh, cool! So Sehun’s Eggsy then?” Baekhyun asked, beaming.

“Uhh,” you began, attempting to explain your misfortune.

“Man, I wish I had someone I could have dressed up with. Couple outfits are so cute,” he pouted, interrupting and saving you from the explanation.  

“So, what are you?” you questioned.

“I’m the Grim Reaper! From Goblin!”

Sehun suddenly appeared behind you, and you grabbed his arm and hauled him over to you.

“Sehun, control your friend. He almost gave me a heart attack!”

“That’s… kinda my job.” Baekhyun grinned. Suddenly he frowned, looking Sehun up and down with confusion. “Since when was the lead role in Kingsman blonde? And which scene was he dressed as a superhero? Am I missing something here?”

Sehun sighed and looked to the side.

“I’m Thor,” he mumbled.

“Thor?! But why are you Thor?” Baekhyun laughed, puzzled.

“Y/N was supposed to be Loki.”

“Whoa, that would have been hot.”

“I know right!” Sehun exclaimed, throwing his hands out to the side.

“Right, well, anyway. I’m gonna go and scare some more people. Bye guys!” Baekhyun waved before disappearing into the crowd.

“Someone needs to find him a girlfriend,” you said. Sehun murmured in agreement.

“I can’t believe we fucked this up so badly. We look so stupid.” Sehun sighed.

“Roxy and Eggsy was a perfect idea. It’s such a shame really.” You shook your head, looking up to the ceiling and away from your boyfriend.

“They’re not even a real couple!” Sehun protested.

“Neither are Thor and Loki!? They’re brothers,” you pointed out.

“But they’re an iconic duo.”

“Not really. Loki continuously tries to kill Thor.”

“Exactly. That’s why I thought you should be Loki.”

“Hey! At least Roxy and Eggsy could work as a team!”

“Guys,” Jongdae interrupted, “let me buy you two more drinks.”

The two of you had been quarrelling for a good few minutes while you sat with Jongdae and Minseok at the bar, who were probably fed up with you both now. They’d dressed up as Mario and Luigi; a result of being single and only having your friend willing to dress up with you. Jongdae came to your sides with the drinks in his hands. Sehun had been drinking all kinds of cocktails, while you were stuck with lemonade as you’d offered to drive you both home.

You picked up the glass, downing it all in one as if it was alcohol while Jongdae and Sehun stared with wide eyes. You slammed the empty cup down on the bar.

“I’m gonna need a glass of straight vodka in a minute if Sehun doesn’t shut up.”

Sehun’s jaw fell open and he crossed his arms childishly, looking away as if he were offended.

“God… See, Y/N, this is why you don’t go for the maknae. You had such a broad choice of men, yet somehow you’re stuck with the boy,” Minseok said, finishing off the rest of his drink and getting up from the bar stool. “Come on Jongdae, let’s find some girls. I hate baby-sitting these two.”

Jongdae nodded in agreement as the two slid through the crowd together.

“Great. They’ve abandoned me,” you sighed, crossing your arms on the bar and leaning your head on them sideways, so you looked up at Sehun. Sehun started biting his lip before looking down at you.

“Should we go somewhere?” he proposed.

“I don’t feel like dancing…” you mumbled.

“I mean outside of the club.” You perked up at this. The club hadn’t really exceeded your expectations.

The bar-tender watched you both depart, sighing in relief to himself. The two of you had been difficult to work around.

You’d agreed on finding somewhere classy for a meal, finally settling with a posh looking restaurant, before comically realising that you were both dressed up as characters.

“How embarrassing,” you mumbled, stumbling out the restaurant close behind Sehun while the waiter at the reception watched after you in distaste. “I can’t believe we just walked into a place like that looking like this.”

The both of you continued to trope through the city, unable to find anywhere that’d be socially acceptable for you to sit and eat while in full costume. That was until a huge yellow ‘M’ sign smiled down at you - as if you were seeing the sun for the first time - from the end of the road.

“McDonalds! Am I glad to see you,” you grinned, jumping for joy. You glanced at Sehun, who was also looking at the building with shining eyes. “Can we agree on that?”

With food in your stomachs, you both felt satisfied. The servers had quizzed themselves on who you’d both dressed up to be, while you and Sehun had laughed it off, explaining the story. You weren’t the only Halloween characters in the fast-food restaurant, which made you both feel less ashamed.  

“I mean, it wasn’t what I had in mind… But at least we had a good night in the end, right?” Sehun asked, reaching for a chip from the tray.

“Definitely. I’ll admit, you make a hot Thor. Chris Hemsworth’s got nothing on you,” you said, smiling wistfully and admiring your boyfriend.

Sehun smugly smiled to himself. “Should we go now? I want to see how Roxy is in bed,” Sehun winked. You laughed, pushing the empty tray aside.

“Maybe it’s for the best that I didn’t dress up as Loki then…”

[beastlycheese]

Everything Has Changed

Here lies my Rumbelle Secret Santa for @ittybittybitchywitchy she asked for karaoke and a Rumbelle duet especially the song Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift/Ed Sheeran.

Chapter One

“You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar when I met you”, crooned Neal far too loudly into his girlfriend’s ear.  “No, I wasn’t. I met you when I found you sleeping in the back seat of my car”, protested Emma, “and you will never find a song to fit that scenario”.  

“Ok, Ok, how about this?” Neal tried again, “You were working as a waitress in a karaoke bar when I first fucked you”.

“That much is true” she laughed, “but a rather vulgar attempt at a serenade.  Plus, you are going to have to stop singing that song when Belle comes out because Gaz has been hammering it out none stop at her all night”.

“Ah shit, not again, is that why you wanted me to walk you two back tonight?” Neal worried. His girlfriend and her flatmate, Belle, loved their job at the “Top Hat”.  But it was in a rather dodgy part of town and some of the customers got a bit too handsy by the end of an evening’s drinking and would hang around outside waiting to hijack anyone not coupled off.  He lived in the flat above the bar, it was terribly noisy, but it was cheap and way better than couch surfing or sleeping in other people’s cars.  Living above the bar had made him bouncer-in-chief for the two girls, they got an escort back to their flat and in return he got a quiet sleep-over with Emma. They also had heating, clean sheets, warm showers and a stocked fridge.

Belle finally hurried towards them, tottering in her ridiculously high heels and pulling her tiny coat on.  “Can we get a taxi?” Belle sighed.  “My feet are killing me. I think I have blisters on my blisters!”

“No way!” Complained Emma, “That would mean we worked the last hour for nothing!  I’m going to have to cut down working so many shifts soon with exams coming up, I just need the cash. You should wear flats, I do keep on telling you. No blisters and your gorgeous ‘fuck me’ shoes don’t get waterlogged with slops”.

“OK Mrs Practical footwear and sensibly warm leather jacket, but you and Neal are going to have give me piggy backs or I will never make it. And they are the only way I can reach those glasses at the top. If they were ‘fuck me shoes’ surely I would have a boyfriend by now”.

“Haaa,” said Emma, “that is because you turn down every offer you get”.

“Ugh but I work in a troll bar, they are all disgusting!”

—

They ended up deciding to crash at Neal’s.  The lovers curled up on the sofa together while Belle stretched out on the floor trying to tend to her battered toes.  While they indulged in some ‘medicinal’ whisky the conversation returned to Gaz and his band of fellow ‘disgusting’ trolls.

“So, he took off his shirt at this point and hurls it towards Belle at the bar, thrusting and gyrating his hips and repeating ‘don’t you want me baby’, until Jefferson just pulled him off the stage.”

“It didn’t end there,” added Belle, “Notty and Gaz caught me on my break, they were on either side of me trying to grab my hand, so I positioned them until they were holding each other’s hands and made a break for it.  They were too embarrassed to come after me.”

“Yes, I bet they had to thump each other to prove their heterosexuality to the other nobs after that” sneered Neal.  

“OK, so he is a total sleaze-bag but come on Belle, you have to admit that Gaz is not your average “Top Hat” troll. The six pack, the cheek bones, tall, dark and handsome, he is your classic hunk.” Emma asked her flat mate who had started shaking her head vigorously.

“Not for me, Ems, he is just gargantuan, like Big Foot or an abominable snowman, and all those muscles just give me the creeps. I’ve dated a tall guy, Will was over six foot and I used to get neck ache just trying to look him in the eye, kissing was a logistical conundrum.”

“So, come on Belle then, if it isn’t hunks what type do you go for?” Neal enquired, flashing his eyes and puckering his lips. He quickly received a thump on the arm from his girlfriend.

“Well you have got really lovely eyes Neal, but sorry you are like a brother to me”, said Belle.

“I do love a well-dressed man, not too tall, any colour but the darker the better, mysterious, intelligent – obviously, well read - definitely, a good cook, mature.  I’m so sick of the kids on my course, I know that I’m only a few years older than most of them, but they still think that talking about bodily functions is the height of wit.”

“OK, OK, I’ve got it,” enthused Emma, “you ditch the Troll bar, and get a job at a dwarf tavern next to a university frequented by lecturers and librarians.

“No” said Neal, “librarians are always dressed pretty dowdily.”

“Oh no they are not!” argued Belle, “I was a librarian, we are always smartly put together.”

“When were you a librarian?” quizzed Neal. “I thought you were studying management.”

“I am now.  Libraries are always losing funding, I was made redundant, I could not find a new job for love nor money, Emyr – my boyfriend left me for his best mate – Arthur! So, I came to London for a new start and to retrain for a new career. I’m heartbroken though, not over Emyr we were never right for each other, he was always off on marches, joining every campaign there was, trying to save the world. I was quite happy to sign the petitions and write strongly worded letters, but I hated the confrontational side of protesting, I just wanted to stay at home and find my ideal word in a book. I loved being a librarian.  I really would do anything to live all my life surrounded by books.”

“OK, so not a dwarf tavern, you could be a manager of a book shop with a really low door so only short-asses can get in” decided Emma.

“Or limbo-dancers” laughed Neal. “Would you really do anything to be a librarian again Belle?”

“Definitely.  I would even sell my soul to a demon or a powerful wizard to make it happen.”

“Right, If I found you a job, would you ditch the heels and wear trainers?” tempted Neal.

“Then we wouldn’t have to crash in this dump and we wouldn’t have to get up at 5 to get to classes” dreamed Emma.

“My shoes, that is a higher price to pay than my soul Neal! And Emma if I had a job I wouldn’t need to work at the bar.  But anyway, you are not going to find me a job because there are seriously none out there.”

“We will see!” said Neal with a wink to Emma.  “I will win this deal and you need to go shopping for some trainers.”

—-

“What are you up to Cassisdy?” asked Emma. She was desperate to get to sleep knowing she had to get up early to trek back to her flat first thing.  Neal, however, had other ideas and was busy clicking away on his laptop.

“Ha! Got you” Neal finally whispered triumphantly and pointed to a website on his screen.

“Storybrooke library seeks qualified and experienced librarian” read Emma. “Neal this is a press release from three years ago.  That post will have been filled by now. Hey, Storybrooke? Isn’t that the dreadful one-horse town you escaped from?”

“Yes, well it is more like a village with an ego-problem.   It pretends to be a town and only gets away with that status because it counts all the hamlets from round and about in its supposed population. Private money built the library and a leisure centre, it pretends to be more important than it is. Nobody visits and nobody leaves. Before I escaped my Dad was having a feud over this job with the mayor.”

“Another feud?”

“Yes, another feud, that is one of the reasons I had to leave,” he sighed.  “A feud broke out every other day in that place, usually involving my dad.”

Neal had a very complicated relationship with his father that had always intrigued his girlfriend. Emma had grown up in the care system and would have loved any family to call her own.  Whereas Neal refused to speak to either of his.  When he had first left Storybrooke to study law, he had had a personal crisis, finally out of the clutches of his overprotective father, and buoyed by city life he had decided to seek out his estranged mother.  This had led to a very strained relationship with his father and to top it all his mother and her new husband were as vile as his father had, annoyingly, described.  So, he had dropped out of Uni, changed his name and hit the road to ‘find himself’. All he had found was that it was miserable, cold and uncomfortable not having any money or anywhere to stay.  He had taken to breaking into cars to sleep and scraping a living working in seedy bars.  Without a national insurance number, he had to take what work he could. That was when he had met Jeff who had bailed him out a thousand times with an interesting array of jobs, none too illegal.

His life had turned around recently when he had met Emma, in her car, and she had finally forgiven him and become his girlfriend.  Jeff had settled down a bit by buying a bar trying to clean up his act, primarily because he had managed to regain custody of his daughter. So, in return for lugging the bottles and kegs around, washing-up, baby-sitting the delightful Grace and general dogs-bodying Neal got to stay in the flat above. Jeff had also magicked up jobs for Emma and her flat-mate. He had even saved enough money to enrol part-time on a drama course.  It had helped that the course was run by Jeff’s girlfriend Ariel.  Jeff maybe as mad as a hatter but he always seemed to magically solve every problem that came his way and now Neal was convinced he had discovered a way to magically solve Belle’s problem.

“I bet you anything this job is still there.” Neal explained.  “Dad said she would try to bury it, which is why there is only a press release about it. Nobody looks at those pages and it is not on the job site. You must know where it is to find it. Regina was angling to get her sister the job you see.  Dad managed to find a loophole in the town charter, that said you had to have a degree in library science and experience of working in a library to get the post. She will have hidden it and used the money for a different project out of spite.  Dad was always pro-library, and anti-anything to do with the Mills family.”

“But,” said Emma, “even if Belle wants to go and live in the middle of nowhere and she does apply for and get the job aren’t you afraid she will tell him that she knows you and tell him where you live.”

“She will never find out, unless you tell her. We have different names and she is hardly going to get into a long conversation with him for anything to come up. He is an anti-social grump. The town pariah.”

Chapter Two

Two months later and Belle was on a train back to London having had her interview in Storybrooke. Emma had been texting her all the way up, sending their normal karaoke inspired banter to try and calm her nerves. She was obviously desperate to know the outcome as Belle found eight unread messages when she had finally taken her seat, most of them containing question marks and expletives.

Emma: This is Ground Control, come in Major Tom, report?????

Belle: This is Major Tom, returning to Planet Earth in tin can. I’ve put my trainers on.

Emma: Yayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! What time will you dock? Welcoming committee getting ready to inspect footwear.

Belle:  Ah, they were metaphorical trainers.  Did not want to jinx myself.  Rendezvous at Hat at 8 for reveal.

Emma: So pleased, but sad you are leaving.  Were villagers friendly?

Belle:  The place is weenie like a village in a fairy story, everything was so small.

Emma: Did you find a dwarf tavern then?

Belle: No, but the taxi driver was definitely Grumpy and the guy on reception Sneezy

Emma: What was the interview like?

Belle: Mayor was Evil Queen, patronising, bossy and scary, her assistant a crazy red-headed witch

Emma: R U sure this job isn’t a poisoned apple then?

Belle:  The library is perfect, and the main users are two teachers who charmed me. Plus, I can live in the flat above, rent free which is good because local landlord is apparently a monster.

Emma: Belles are always good at taming Beasts. Will tell Neal good news, CU at 8  

—

Belle had settled into her little flat in the quaint village of Storybrooke but had struggled to make friends.  Everyone seemed to regard her with suspicion, silence met her every move. The library needed a lot of modernising before she could open it to the public and she was usually too exhausted to go out in the evening.  The waitress at the café had been friendly but far to busy flirting with the male customers to chat with Belle, so she spent most of her time texting Emma.

Emma:  Have you passed inspection yet?

Belle: Yes!!!Evil witch and mysterious Mr Gold arrived @ 2. Gold looks like a cross between Mick Jagger and an accountant. Tho’ he is Scottish so maybe Rod Stewart but not blonde.  

Emma: Billy Connolly? Were they impressed with all the work you have put in?

Belle: Not Billy he is no comedian! He’s serious but strangely flamboyant when angry. He does remind me of someone though, it will come to me..

Emma: How are you making him angry? Isn’t he the Beast?

Belle:  Not me, the witch. They seem to like to snark at each other.  Hopefully their fireballs won’t burn my books.  GTG it looks like the Beast is coming back.

Gold had seen the little beauty from a distance, but he had been trying to keep away from Regina’s latest project.  However, now he had seen the librarian close-up he was drawn immediately back. She was stunning. She had chestnut curls and beautiful blue pools for eyes, stunning long legs over incredibly sexy heels, the like of which he had not seen in this god-forsaken town.  (Well except for the ugly sisters but after dating their mum he really couldn’t think of them as anything other than spoilt little brats). Now, but now, he felt like he had been asleep for a hundred years and his princess had come to wake him and breathe new life into him.  He also felt like a total idiot.  One pretty face and he was acting like a smitten school boy.  She was so young and oh so beautiful, he on the other hand was old and grumpy, with a limp and generally just a complete and utter bastard. Anyway, he was on a mission and he had to return to the library and if that meant he got to gaze on his princess then so be it.

“Good afternoon Mr. Gold. I didn’t expect to see you again so soon.  I’m sorry I didn’t catch your first name?”

“Just Gold will do”, he automatically replied, wanting to punch himself for being so rude.

“Oh, is that short for Justin?” Belle enquired.

“Don’t be smart with me Ms French you know what I mean, you can call be GOLD or MISTER Gold if you insist”

“I am sorry MISTER Gold, I wasn’t meaning to be rude.  I was trying to be friendly I didn’t realise it was a state secret.”

“I don’t expect such impertinence from a public servant.  Good day Miss French”.

Gold stormed off, well stormed off as much as you can with a dodgy ankle and a cane.  Shit, he had got all flustered and totally screwed it up and he was so looking forward to getting his hands on that book.

Belle: I’ve totally screwed up. I asked the Beast too many questions and he got angry, roared at me and disappeared in a puff of smoke! Shit!!!

Emma: OMG did you ask him if he was single and if he was any good with his tongue?

Belle: NO!!! His first name. I only asked him for his first name and he looked so sad with big puppy eyes just like Bae’s and then he exploded.

Emma: He must have a real stinker of a name then.  What do you reckon? Arsehole? Arsehole Gold?

Belle: Beastly because that’s what he is.  But he does have Bae’s pretty eyes, weird.

Emma: What a coincidence. Hugs.

Belle: Yep virtual ones are the only ones you give.

Emma: We can’t all be touchy feely like you!

Belle: I still can’t believe I have made my first customer storm out! Aaaagh

It took Gold two weeks to enter the library again.  He had been monitoring the comings and goings at the library from his shop, on the opposite side of the street and chose the busiest time he could in a hope of not having to deal with the librarian. He sneaked in when Mary Margaret had ushered in her class and creeped to the back.  It didn’t take too long to find the precious book and slipping it under his jacket he made his way to the door.  Belle was busy at the desk dealing with many little hands all waving their picture books and hoping to be next. He grabbed this opportunity and rushed towards the door when suddenly there was a loud clanging alarm and flashing lights. All eyes were on him.  

Before he could move Belle was by his side. “Mr Gold you seem to have set off the alarm. Is there a book that you wish to borrow?  I realise that I’m rather busy now, I could check it out for you later and drop it off at lunchtime if you would like?”  He had little choice but to hand her the book and without saying a word he returned to his shop empty handed.

It took ten more minutes for Belle to sort out the children’s books and while the class got back into their coats Belle chatted with their teacher.  She couldn’t help bringing up the incident with Gold.

“The look on his face was a picture! I’ve never seen him speechless before! He obviously didn’t know about the security tags. I wouldn’t have known if you hadn’t given us that talk. What was the old miser trying to pinch anyway? He is so rich he could afford a hundred libraries you know. His son was lovely. I taught him, and he went off to University. Never comes back though. Obviously sick of the monster too.”

“No, I don’t think he was stealing, just in a rush and didn’t have time to queue I should think. When is your next class due?”

Belle was relieved when the children had gone, and calm returned. No more screaming kids with sticky, grabby paws and no more judgemental chatterboxes. Just her and her beloved books.

It was nearly lunchtime, so she decided she had better deal with Gold straight away.  First snag, he wasn’t on the system. There was an entry for Baelfire Gold, but by the birth date it was obviously not him.  Second snag, it was a reference book and it was not allowed to leave the library.  She was going to have to ring him and tell him the bad news. Third snag, no entry on the system, no phone number. She was going to have to face the Beast in his lair.

Gold was hiding in the back room of his shop, head in hands.  He now remembered Regina had talked to him about the modernisation of the library and some state of the art security system, guess he hadn’t been paying too much attention, transfixed as he had been by Belle’s brightness.  Now he had been humiliated in front of many of his tenants, well their children and the ultimate town gossip Mary Margaret. That librarian had him bewitched, but she had been kind and had covered up for him, and her smile had made his heart skip a beat, or maybe that was the shock of the alarm. All he was sure of was that the beauty had him under her spell and he was cursed to make a fool of himself in front of her every time they met.

Of course, the doorbell was jingling now, he knew it was going to be her, so he pulled himself up and braced himself.

“Ah Ms French, I do hope you have my book.”

“Unfortunately not, Mr Gold, the book you seek is a reference book and I am not at liberty to allow it out of the library.  But you are welcome to attend the library anytime and peruse it at your leisure.” Belle replied, trying desperately not to shake. At that very moment she saw his books. Antique books, immediately drawn to them before Mr Gold could reply she had one in her hand.

“Jane Eyre” she said with wonder. “Is this a first edition Mr Gold?”

“Unfortunately not, Ms French, it is a third edition, but quite rare, if you turn to page 279 you will find that the 9 is actually missing and..”

“Oliver Twist!” said the awestruck librarian, grabbing another prize, her mouth was open wide, eyes flashing, body shaking with excitement.

“Now that is a first edition and a first issue. As you can see it has a Boz title page and the ‘Fireside’ plate. This was rushed out in book form before serialization was complete, and the last few plates were hurried in. Dickens disliked the final ‘Fireside’ plate and asked for a new design, the ‘Church’ plate. He also decided that he no longer wished to be styled “Boz”. The first issue, that you are holding, was published on 9 November; the second, with cancel titles, omitting the sub-title and giving Dickens’s name as the author, and with the ‘Church’ plate at the end, was issued on 16 November 1838.”

Belle was struck dumb during his little speech, she had realised that he was the most handsome man she had ever met, beautifully dressed, intelligent, knowledgeable about her favourite subject and if it wasn’t for his eyes she was quite convinced she would have to kiss him.

Gold smirked. “However, I am not a liberty to allow them out of my shop without you paying the asking price, which you can clearly see on the protective sleeve.”

“Touché, Mr Gold, touché”, Belle sighed.

“But you are, of course, welcome to visit and peruse my collection at your leisure”, Gold added.

They both couldn’t help laughing at that.

Chapter Three

That was the beginning of Belle and Gold’s lunchtime chats.  Gold would put the kettle on, Belle would bring a treat from the café or some experimental bakes from her limited repertoire. Gold was always polite and ate them and smiled, his offerings were of a much higher standard, (YES HE COULD COOK TOO).  Finally, she had found someone to chat to in Storybrooke and the need for company was obviously mutual, she realised that Gold was very lonely.  There were hardly any visitors to his shop because he sold most of his antiques on line. The local residents only came in when they needed favours, usually asking for more time to pay the rent and they were never pleasant conversations.  

Lunchtime was Gold’s favourite part of the day for that was when Belle arrived like a ray of sunshine. He was so deeply in love with her, she was beautiful, intelligent and so enthusiastic to hear all the tales behind his collection of books and antiquities.  Her visits were a delicious torture but he was addicted to her and although he was convinced he was not worthy of her company, he couldn’t and wouldn’t give her up.

Despite them meeting up for over two weeks Gold had not yet visited the library.  Belle wondered if it was his leg that stopped him from popping by, but she wasn’t quite sure how to bring it up without causing a scene and they had been getting on so sweetly that she did not want to rock the boat. She was totally besotted with him now, even his eyes drew her in, Neal totally forgotten. She was unsure how to proceed on that front either, he was such a gentleman, so dignified, so refined, so out of her league.

“How about tomorrow, you could come over to the library, Dylan?” Belle finally asked bravely, cheekily adding: “You can look at that book you tried to steal”

“No it is not Dylan, and I didn’t try to steal it, I..” Gold broke off turning abruptly and moving behind a curtain. Belle slightly alarmed that she had teased too much too quickly followed to find her companion in tears.  She was stunned and on instinct drew him into a big hug stroking his back and whispering words of comfort to him.  Gold broke down, the hug making him cry even harder. Pathetic, he felt like a pathetic wretch, but this angel made him feel safe and loved, finally he manged to get a grip of himself and he motioned to use his handkerchief.

“Belle, I am so so sorry, what must you think of me?  The book, it is the Yearbook for Storybrooke High and it, well, it has a picture of my son in.  I haven’t seen him for three years and I have been so keen to get hold of this picture, it was the last one before he left, and I just needed to see it, the library has been closed and I’m afraid it has become an obsession.  It is pathetic I know, but, but I miss him so much and I tend to grab on to any tiny contact with him I can get.”  He proceeded to tell her how he and his son had become estranged, the bitter words, the mistakes on either side.

“Oh, my precious friend,” Belle replied, she was so moved by his story that she just couldn’t help herself from taking his hands and placing a light kiss on his lips. Gold’s tears soon became tears of joy.

From that moment everything had changed.  Lunches with Gold were now interspersed with cuddles and kisses as they finally understood that their love for each other was a shared feeling. Tonight, though, tonight was a biggy.  Gold had invited her for dinner and by the look in his eyes and the passion in their kisses she knew they were both ready for something more serious.  She decided she would bring him a gift so she found the correct Yearbook and got ready to scan the pictures into her laptop.  It was then she saw it, Gold’s son, Baelfire was her friend Neal!

Belle: Hi Neal, or should I say Baelfire!

Neal: Don’t understand

Belle: Come on Neal, surely you knew I would find out. It all makes sense now, how you knew about this job, this obscure place.

Neal: Shit. I didn’t think you would ever to talk to my Dad. He doesn’t talk to anyone.

Belle: I saw your picture in the Yearbook and yes we talk, a lot.

Neal: You haven’t told him you know me, have you?  I really don’t want to see him.

Belle: Not yet, but you should, he is sorry, and he misses you so much.

Neal: Please no Belle. I’m happy here I don’t want to run again.

Belle: You don’t need to run

Neal: You don’t know what he is like he is just so suffocating.

Belle: I do know what he is like I’m his girlfriend

Neal: WTF!!! He is my Dad!

Belle: Well I did not know that did I !!!

Neal: Suppose not. Please please please don’t tell him, not yet. Hopefully you will split up. He is such an arsehole it won’t be long.

Belle: He is not an ass, he has a nice ass.

Neal: Ew, gross.  You haven’t slept with him have you?

Belle: None of your business, but I’m hardly gonna become your step-Mum anytime soon

Neal: OMG. This is a nightmare.

Later that night Belle lay entwined with her new lover, smiling, content, satisfied.

“Don’t you think it is about time you told me your first name, now that we have been intimate?”

“Hmm, nice try French, I may have shown you every bit of me but I’m still not willing to share that detail”, Gold grinned and pressed a kiss to her brow, nose, lips, and chin.”

“How bad can it be? I feel as If I’ve gone through hundreds of silly names already”.

“OK, I will give you three more guesses and then you will have had your lot”.

“Who do you think you are? Rumplestiltskin?  That’s it isn’t it.  Well I’m sticking with that now. My darling little Rumple, you better get used to it or tell me your real one” demanded Belle.

“You will never guess I will bet you anything and I’m fine with Rumple but I think you need distracting” laughed Gold. He kissed her deeply.  He slowly moved down her body until he had reached the promised land, he hooked her legs over his shoulders and grinned at her little appreciative noises. Swirling his tongue around her folds and clitoris he didn’t stop until she screamed, shuddered and slumped down in ecstasy.

He woke up hours later with Belle’s luscious lips wrapped around his penis, she was returning the favour and he was in heaven.  When he had recovered they cuddled some more, neither was prepared to move, even though it was time to start the day.

“Would you like some breakfast my beauty? Gold asked. “Or have you filled yourself up already?”

“Yes, I’m starving after that work out.  But I’m surprised you can talk this morning, I thought your tongue might be in a sling.

“I loved pleasing you, the little moans you made, the screams and your delicious taste

“Well it was amazing, I’ve never had such a treat, how did you manage to keep going?”

“A book Miss French of course. I read that the best technique was to draw the alphabet with your tongue and when I finished that I started spelling out Lord Byron’s ‘She Walks in Beauty’”, confided Gold.

“God, I love literature” sighed Belle.

Neal:  You promise you haven’t told him.

Belle: No but for my silence I need a favour

Neal: What? Anything.

Belle: What is his first name? And why is it such a secret?

Neal: Oh, now that would be telling.  You out to blackmail the pair of us?

Belle: Maybe

Neal: It is Randy, after Randy Newman, his Dad’s favourite singer.

Belle: Ah I see. Suitable in America but for a kid in Scotland an excuse for bullying.

Neal: Yep, I don’t think he ever got over it.  Wouldn’t tell anyone, didn’t trust anyone, it kind of closed him off especially after Mum dumped him.

Belle: See you still care for him.

Neal: Maybe a little bit.

Belle: How’s Emma? Not heard from her. U 2 OK?

Neal. U2 are pants and you know it.  No, we are great but we got broken into and Emma got her phone nicked.  She moved in with me and now this happens!

Belle: That is awful, what are you going to do?

Neal: Well Jeff has come to the rescue.  This huge bald guy turns up, like 7 foot, with loads of little guys, and they buzz around the place, fit locks, CCTV, central heating, new shower.

Belle: Wow! This huge guy wouldn’t be called Dove would he?

Neal:  Yes I think he was.  You know him? I guess he is one of Jeff’s old bouncer mates.

Belle: Yep maybe.

Lunchtime couldn’t come quick enough for Belle, she had Gold’s name and after what Neal had revealed, many other questions to ask, like how many 7 foot Dove’s in the world could there possibly be?. It was Gold’s turn to bring the treat and he had come up trumps with strawberries, melted chocolate and cream.

“So, If I do guess your real name Rumple, what is my prize?”

“Oh I will owe you a favour, ask and it will be yours, but you only have two more guesses.” He smiled and popped another strawberry into his mouth.

“Ok, Rudolph” said Belle.

“No, my nose isn’t the slightest bit red! Last try”

“Randy?” asked Belle all innocently.

Gold was silent, “Shit, yes that is it, wow. I never thought you would get that.  I hate it. Ruined my childhood. I was bullied and bullied. Randy Beggar they used to call me, the jokes never stopped. Even the teachers joined in.  Please stick with Rumple Belle. It just makes me shake whenever I hear that name.”

Belle got down on her knees before him taking his hands: “Of course Rum, I will. I will never say it again, I wouldn’t want to upset you, ever.  But you are still going to owe me a favour.”

“Thank you,” he replied, “anything, ask anything of me”.

“Karaoke”, said Belle, “I want you to sing a duet with me.”

“What you have got to be joking! You want me to what go down to The White Rabbit, that hole, and sing in front of my tenants, no, Mr Gold does not sing. I would rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty fork!”

“Oh, come now, Rumple, you promised me and it doesn’t have to be The White Rabbit, karaoke bars exist now, you can even hire out little booths with just a few friends.”

“I know dearie, I own one!”

“I knew it you own the Top Hat don’t you? That is why your man Dove was there, that is why Jefferson is so generous to us, you are spying on your son!” replied Belle angrily.

“My son! What do you know about my son Belle? What do you know.”

“Oh Rum,” sighed Belle “just that you love him and will always look out for him whatever happens, and that my best friend loves him too and that he is one lucky guy.”

—

Epilogue

It was the best Storybrooke Christmas ever.  Emma, Neal, baby Henry, Rum and Belle were all wrapped up in their silly Christmas onesies passing presents to each other.  The newly married Gold’s had tastefully decorated their Victorian house and purchased the biggest tree on offer.  They were drinking Bucks Fizz and the mood was merry and bright.

“Ok Belle, this box is for you” said Emma, but it is too heavy to lift so you are going to have to come here.  Belle pushed up off the sofa with a little help from Rum, her tummy rounded and heavy with child. She carefully unwrapped the present.

“A karaoke machine!” she cried.

“Yes, I promised to sing a duet with a beautiful librarian some time ago and I never break a deal, Nealfire set it up”

“Sure Rumplestiltskin, you hold the baby and I will get right on it”, laughed Neal.

The machine was a great hit. The boys couldn’t get the girls off it as they relived their time together at the Top Hat blasting through the favourites. It was after dinner when the happy family gathered to hear the long-awaited debut of Mr and Mrs Gold at the mike.  

“What are we going to sing Rum?  Belle asked.”

“Well, my dearest son was kind enough to help me purchase this machine and he has been helping me practice singing your, apparently favourite song, so hear we go. ‘Everything Has Changed’ by TayTay and Mr Edward Sheeran.  Merry Christmas my love.”

The family cheered, and Belle sang, followed by Rum and then the rest of the Golds joined in.

[Belle] All I knew this morning when I woke Is I know something now, know something now I didn’t before. And all I’ve seen since eighteen hours ago Is green eyes and freckles and your smile In the back of my mind making me feel like [Belle] I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now [Belle and Rum] I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now I just wanna know you, know you, know you [Belle and Rum] ‘Cause all I know is we said, “Hello.” And your eyes look like coming home All I know is a simple name Everything has changed All I know is you held the door You’ll be mine and I’ll be yours All I know since yesterday is everything has changed [Rum] And all my walls stood tall painted blue And I’ll take them down, take them down and open up the door for you [Belle] And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies The beautiful kind, making up for lost time, Taking flight, making me feel right [Belle and Rum] I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now I just wanna know you, know you, know you [All] 'Cause all I know is we said, “Hello.” And your eyes look like coming home All I know is a simple name Everything has changed All I know is you held the door And you’ll be mine and I’ll be yours All I know since yesterday is everything has changed Come back and tell me why I’m feeling like I’ve missed you all this time, oh, oh, oh. And meet me there tonight And let me know that it’s not all in my mind. [All] I just wanna know you better, know you better, know you better now I just wanna know you, know you, know you

Merry Christmas to all Rumbellers and especially to ittybittybitchywitch

[allonsysilvertongue]

The Sabotage

A few weeks/months back, someone asked me for a teacher!hayffie au which I couldn't write because no inspiration until yesterday. My secondary school chemistry teacher finally got married and i remember being a student in his class with my classmates matchmaking him with our English teacher so that inspired this one-shot.

This is a continuation of the teacher!hayffie I wrote previously - The Proposal. I think I might have written another but I can't remember what it's called.

The Ballad of A Drunk & His Lady: The Sabotage

Nestled just at the first corner of Main Street, the two buildings that made up the only high school in the small town stood imposingly. With school just having been reopened after two burst pipes flooded the school a week ago, the students were behaving rowdily. Not meeting their friends for a week meant that they had a week’s worth of things to catch up on.

Frankly, Haymitch was exhausted and it was only two hours into school. He wished another pipe would burst so he would have another week of respite.

“Did you see Ms. Trinket today?”

At that, Haymitch glanced over his shoulder to see Finnick grinning at him from where he sat at the back of the classroom. Next to him, Annie Cresta was carefully arranging her textbooks and writing materials.

“No,” he answered, turning his attention back to the whiteboard. “Wore something clownish again, did she?”

Somewhere in his class, a snicker rang out. Johanna, he put sound to name.

“She looks exquisite,” Finnick said. “I’m mesmerised.”

He turned just in time to see Johanna roll her eyes at the boy. “You’re disgusting,” she shot at her best friend.

Haymitch remembered being at their age, and having eyes for one or two of his female teachers; a harmless crush which made coming to school a little bit more interesting.

Still, the class’ obsession – not just Finnick’s – with Ms. Effie Trinket had been a source of consternation for him since she joined as a full-time permanent staff nearly a year ago. He found her difficult, stubborn and downright obnoxious, and he would rather much she had stick to teaching one of those elite schools in the City. It would have suited her better than here.

“Enough about her,” Haymitch grumbled, intending to start his lesson as soon as possible. “Alright so… Binomial expansions… Did the exercise I gave – “

“She made us study Sophocles’ works,” Katniss chimed in, clearly disgruntled.

He clenched his jaws, annoyed. But, he couldn’t blame the girl. Katniss preferred the outdoors and having to suffer through a class of literature with the eccentric teacher sporting an odd accent must have been torturous for the girl. Still, he had no regrets tracking the girl down after she was absent from school for two months straight and ensuring that she attended every day. Katniss was work in progress.

“The motherfucker,” Johanna nodded in agreement.

“Hey,” Haymitch warned. He might have some reservations where Effie Trinket was concern but he still wouldn’t stand for such disrespect from students toward another member of the teaching profession. “Watch it or I’ll have you in detention for calling a teacher names.”

“What?” Johanna said in an outraged. “The protagonist fucks his mother, like literally. You should read it.”

Haymitch blinked, surprised.

“What in hell is she teaching you guys? That even part of the syllable?”

“Don’t know,” Finnick shrugged and then the grin split across his face yet again. “Now, why don’t you ask her about it?”

He narrowed his eyes. Unless he was mistaken, his students are purportedly being meddlesome.

“Why don’t you?” Peeta agreed with an enthusiastic nod.

This wasn’t the first time or the isolated incident when his students, especially Finnick and Peeta, had tried to get him to have some form of conversation or contact with their literature teacher.

It was as if they could sense he was going out of his way to avoid her. He was. He was really trying to avoid her as much as he could after the incident in the library, and then again at his place, and again in his car, and the music room they found themselves in two days later, not to mention that time when he had been on his knees eating her out in the teacher’s lounge after school ended. It was mortifying how easily anyone could have walked in on them and the thrill had been addictive.

She had been so good, one of the best he had, not that there were many and truly, the dirty things she could do with her mouth should be outlawed especially given her image as the rule-abiding, strict teacher that she was. The only problem with sex as good as hers and as addictive as her was that he had felt himself craving her at every turn and entertaining inappropriate thoughts at unfortunate times. The last straw was when he had very nearly asked if she could just stay in bed instead of leaving once the deed was done. It sent him into a panic so naturally, he firmly told her that he was not interested – the first lie he ever told to her.

She had not taken that well at first but came around a week or two later to tell him, of course, Mr. Abernathy, you’re absolutely right. We’re teachers and we should be professional about it. It wouldn’t do to mix work with pleasure, wouldn’t do at all. What would the students say if, god forbid, rumours about us started floating around. Better to nip it in the bud. You had the right idea, of course.

So that was that.

XxX

“Binomial expansion is the worst,” Katniss muttered loudly after a nudge in the rib from Peeta.

“What is that, dear?”

Effie watched the students taking their seats in the classroom which she had painstakingly decorated and was profoundly proud of. If memory served her right, they should have just finished a class with Haymitch.

“Oh, Katniss is just upset because Mr. Abernathy has assigned us four pages of binomial expansion problems to work through the weekend. He’s torturing us,” Finnick sighed dramatically. “He doesn’t understand that some of us have work on the weekend. Lifeguard duties – you know about that, don’t you, Miss Trinket? You must have seen me at the beach?”

“Ah, Mr. Odair, I am sure your mathematics teacher just wants the best for you. The exams are not far off, only a few months away,” Effie placated.

“Yeah, months and you don’t give us that much homework,” Johanna pointed out. “A reading here and there, and that’s it.”

“Readings which you failed to do on more than one occasion.”

“Because he gave us so much homework,” Johanna argued. “I gotta do his so I don’t have time to do yours, and if I don’t do his work, he’ll send me to detention.”

“Would you be able to please ask him nicely to have mercy on us?” Peeta requested. He slid a box of cheesecake flavoured muffins in her direction. “These are your favourite, right?”

She tried not to have favourites but Peeta Mellark had always been sweet on her. She came across his family’s bakery on the second week that she moved into town and she swore that no other bakery had cheesetarts and muffins as delicious as theirs.

“Now, now, Mr. Mellark, I really do not want to be stepping on his toes. His class, his discretion but I do see Ms. Mason’s point. It is certainly not fair that he takes up all your time. You do need time to review my lessons.”

“Exactly,” Finnick nodded enthusiastically. “Please talk to him. He has a free period right after our English class, Ms. Trinket.”

XxX

With the bell having just rung out to signal the end of school day, the hallway was packed with students. She walked briskly, pausing only to tap a boy on his shoulder for making out with his girlfriend by the drinking fountain.

By the time she reached the teacher’s lounge, she was quite glad to have made it through students jostling each other in the hallway and talking loudly to be heard in the crowd.

Opening the door to the place, she saw exactly the person she was looking for. He raised his head at the creaking of the door, not at all expecting her to be the one entering.

He stood on his feet the moment she marched in his direction, sensing that whatever this was, it was not going to be good.

“What is this I hear about you giving abnormally heavy homework to the students?

He frowned, trying hard but failing to keep his eyes from wandering down to take in the sight of her endless legs in that pair of 4-inch heels.

“What are you on about?”

“My students are saying that they had little to no time to prepare for my lessons because they were consumed with trying to solve your problems.”

“Yeah, so?” he asked. “Mathematics is more important than learning ‘bout a character who – hold on, what was it the kids said again? – oh right, fucks his mother.”

She sputtered. Out of all the things the students picked up from that play…. Did she not make her point clear to them during lessons?

“That is not the take away from that.”

“Pray tell what is?” he sneered.

“Are you blatantly trying to sabotage my lessons?”

“Sophocles coming out for this term’s exams?” he asked. “Don’t think so. I checked with the head of your English Department.”

“You did what? For what purpose?”

“My kids will be better off knowing how to – “

“Solve algebra? I’ve left school for nearly two decades and not once have I ever found myself in a situation where algebra was needed nor did I ever found the need to plot sine, cosine or tangent on graph paper!”

His sneer only deepened.

“That’s ‘cause you have no ambitions and you’re stuck in a dead end school, and the only thing you’re good at is flaunting your asset all over the school.”

“Assets which you ogle at every opportunity,” she smartly and haughtily reminded him.

He internally cursed his own weakness. She was hot and beautiful, and despite his sneering at her teaching literature, he actually liked listening to her reading off passages. Not that she had ever read it to him, per se, but he had had classes next to her classroom and the walls were not soundproof.

“You want me,” she took a bold step forward. “You are not not interested as you so claim to be.”

Effie scoffed when he stood frozen where he was, his gazing falling to her lips, back to her eyes, and then down towards the neckline of her blouse.

“Oh, you’re very much interested, Mr. Abernathy.”

“Stop this,” he gritted his teeth.

His fingers twitch at his sides. It would be so easy to grab her by the waist, settle her on his desk right now, shove the skirt up and out of the way and fuck her. It would be so easy, and it was very tempting. He could recall with so much clarity what it felt like to be wrapped in her warmth, to slide in and out of her and the taste of her on his lips. His mouth felt parched all of a sudden.

“You stop trying to railroad my lessons and perhaps, I will ensure that my skirt is a little less tight so you will not be tempted,” she whispered, the nail of her index finger raking slightly on the exposed skin on his chest.

He hissed because that was unfair.

“Deal,” he said through gritted teeth. “Dress like a nun tomorrow.”

“Was not what I said,” she laughed. “And truly, even if were to dress more modestly than I already have, do not tell me you don’t remember what we did there.”

Her gaze strayed to her desk. He did not need the reminder of what they had done there but it was too late. The memories assaulted his mind and he forced himself to sit down before she could see the bulge growing in his pants.

He was a lost cause when it came to her.

[samuelfields]

How To Purchase Property Below Fair Market Value With Just A Few Words

In real estate, there’s a saying that goes, “money is made on the purchase, not on the sale.” With a well-timed purchase, you get to pay fewer property taxes over the life of ownership and generate a much higher compounded return due to a lower base.

The market is a wonderful place because it allows two people with opposing views to swap assets at an agreed upon clearing price. But I had to keep a poker face during my SF real estate purchases in 2003 and 2005 because deep down I was thinking, I can’t believe they are selling for so cheap! 

Even with my latest single family home purchase in 2014, I couldn’t believe they were selling a panoramic ocean view home on a double lot for 40% cheaper on a price/sqft basis than property on the east side of SF. No other major city in the world has ocean view properties that trade at a discount.

But now that the property market is hitting record highs across the country, it’s a good idea to negotiate more aggressively, just in case you buy at the top of the market. Here are three strategies that may get you up to a 5% fair market discount. 

How To Convince Someone To Sell You Their Property

All information can be relayed via a formal letter to the seller or via an e-mail from real estate agent to real estate agent. The transaction period usually lasts between two weeks to two months, so you’ll have time to negotiate fine details.

If ever there was a time to improve your written communication skills, now is the time!

1) Focus on making a connection. It’s important to find some common interest between you and the seller. You can always find out something about the seller’s background via an online search. People tend to like others with similar interests. Just look at how top management at companies all look the same.

Tell the seller how much their home would mean to you. Talk about the children you plan to play with in the backyard. Talk about your shared love of the Golden State Warriors. Salute their charitable efforts. In your letter, it’s important to share with them who you are and why you are good people.

People tend to do business with people who are similar

Selling a home is extremely emotional, especially if you’ve lived in it for many years. A seller would much rather sell to a family who works at a non-profit looking to eradicate poverty than to a 25-year-old trust fund kid whose parents are paying the entire downpayment, all else being equal. Tell your story in a positive light by sharing the struggles you had to overcome.

The purchaser of my home wrote a nice letter that told me how much he loved my house’s brick facade. It reminded him of the colonial homes in Virginia where he grew up and went to college. Given I, too, went to high school and college in Virginia, I was more willing to entertain his offer, especially since he and his girlfriend had a two year old son.

2) Allude to end of the world scenarios. It’s much more stressful being a seller than a buyer. Buyers can simply shop around with no commitments. However, the seller is putting himself out there by listing his property online, signing a contract with a real estate agent, and allowing strangers to go through his home. The seller also knows that if they don’t sell within a certain period of time, the property goes “stale fish.” It’s embarrassing when you put yourself out there and get rejected (no sale).

As a result of so much worry and stress, using “the end of the world” strategy can really motivate your seller to offload. You can start off with big picture scenarios such as discussing what would happen to the property market if the stock market has a 50%+ correction like it did in 2008-2009. Then you can go on to discuss what would happen if there was a terrorist attack. Finally, you can talk about natural disasters like earthquakes, flooding, and fire wiping away their property for good.

Fires do happen

Your goal is to make the seller believe their house is a riskier asset than it really is. When I was in the process of selling my rental property, I kept thinking how lucky I was to have escaped a big earthquake during my 13 years of ownership. The house was in The Marina district, which has loose soil that’s susceptible to liquefaction. Every San Franciscan is waiting for the big one to hit in the back of their minds.

If the buyer smartly pressed on the risk of damage in an earthquake by asking me about the soil underneath the house and whether I had experienced any earthquake damage during my time of ownership, I probably would not have negotiated as hard. I would have sensed his fear of risk, which would in turn made me more fearful of losing him as a buyer. The key is to ask about the potential risk of each scenario, and not tell. Asking gets the seller thinking about worst case scenarios.

Floods also do happen in addition to earthquakes

3) Focus on the benefits of a simple life. Life is much simpler renting and owning fewer things. A simple life is the reason why I’m not in a rush to buy another physical property. Bad tenants, leaky roofs, endless maintenance, and ever increasing property tax are terrible things. A simpler life is why I’m focused on real estate crowdfunding. If I can earn 10% – 15% a year without any hassle, I’m all for it.

The older the property seller, the more appealing a simple life free from property maintenance will be. After a decade of homeownership, a property owner will have experienced more than her fair share of troubles. But you can still argue about the joys of simpler living to younger property sellers too because they can definitely remember what it was like as a renter.

The way to convince the seller about the benefits of a simple life is to highlight all the remodeling and upgrades you plan to do to the property. Not only do you make the seller feel good knowing you plan to take care of the house, by discussing all the work you plan to do, you also remind the seller how much work she has to do if she were to keep the property.

My old house’s kitchen and two bathrooms were last remodeled in 1995. I had a 20+ year old HVAC unit that needed replacing. My back windows leaked, no matter how much I caulked around them. I also had an intermittent leaky light well that dripped through my dining room ceiling. If I kept the house, I would have needed to spend $100,000 – $300,000 on remodeling. The whole process would have been a huge pain due to unreliable contractors, the need for permits, and multi-stage inspections by the city. I wasn’t going to spend that much money and time for a rental, so I let it go.

Make sellers imagine how much better life is without having to maintain their property

Work On Your Persuasion Skills

Everybody has their preferences. If you can figure out what they are and make a connection, you can probably get at least a couple percentage points off fair market value. After about 5%, financial fundamentals take over. This is true for any negotiation situation.

If my SF rental house buyer could have made a connection with me over tennis and got me paranoid about an 8+ Richter scale earthquake hitting SF in the next five years, I probably would have sold the house for $140,000 less (5%) than I did. Even 5% less was still 4% higher than my aspirational selling price.

But don’t feel bad for my buyer. My house will do very well for him given how strong the SF economy is. I’m the one who occasionally feels bad about selling until I remind myself how difficult it was to deal with tenants and maintain a 1926 built house as a landlord. It also feels nice to no longer owe a mortgage and write $24,000 property tax checks every year. Spending time stressing over my rental when I could be spending time with my son would seriously piss me off.

For those who choose to rent, that’s OK too. Follow my BURL strategy and continuously invest your extra cash flow to beat inflation. If you remain disciplined by consistently investing the difference, you’ll do fine. But if you don’t, you’ll wish 20 years from now you held onto your property or bought a property today.

Related articles for homebuyers:

How To Offer All Cash For Property Without Having All Cash

Spray ‘N Pray: The Modern Way To Buy Property

To Get Rich, Practice Predicting The Future

Readers, what are some strategies you’ve deployed to try and get a discount from a property seller or anything you wanted to buy?

https://www.financialsamurai.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/How-to-buy-property-at-a-fair-market-discount.m4a

The post How To Purchase Property Below Fair Market Value With Just A Few Words appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from Finance https://www.financialsamurai.com/three-ways-to-get-people-to-sell-their-property-below-fair-market-value/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[ronaldmrashid]

How To Purchase Property Below Fair Market Value With Just A Few Words

In real estate, there’s a saying that goes, “money is made on the purchase, not on the sale.” With a well-timed purchase, you get to pay fewer property taxes over the life of ownership and generate a much higher compounded return due to a lower base.

The market is a wonderful place because it allows two people with opposing views to swap assets at an agreed upon clearing price. But I had to keep a poker face during my SF real estate purchases in 2003 and 2005 because deep down I was thinking, I can’t believe they are selling for so cheap! 

Even with my latest single family home purchase in 2014, I couldn’t believe they were selling a panoramic ocean view home on a double lot for 40% cheaper on a price/sqft basis than property on the east side of SF. No other major city in the world has ocean view properties that trade at a discount.

But now that the property market is hitting record highs across the country, it’s a good idea to negotiate more aggressively, just in case you buy at the top of the market. Here are three strategies that may get you up to a 5% fair market discount. 

How To Convince Someone To Sell You Their Property

All information can be relayed via a formal letter to the seller or via an e-mail from real estate agent to real estate agent. The transaction period usually lasts between two weeks to two months, so you’ll have time to negotiate fine details.

If ever there was a time to improve your written communication skills, now is the time!

1) Focus on making a connection. It’s important to find some common interest between you and the seller. You can always find out something about the seller’s background via an online search. People tend to like others with similar interests. Just look at how top management at companies all look the same.

Tell the seller how much their home would mean to you. Talk about the children you plan to play with in the backyard. Talk about your shared love of the Golden State Warriors. Salute their charitable efforts. In your letter, it’s important to share with them who you are and why you are good people.

People tend to do business with people who are similar

Selling a home is extremely emotional, especially if you’ve lived in it for many years. A seller would much rather sell to a family who works at a non-profit looking to eradicate poverty than to a 25-year-old trust fund kid whose parents are paying the entire downpayment, all else being equal. Tell your story in a positive light by sharing the struggles you had to overcome.

The purchaser of my home wrote a nice letter that told me how much he loved my house’s brick facade. It reminded him of the colonial homes in Virginia where he grew up and went to college. Given I, too, went to high school and college in Virginia, I was more willing to entertain his offer, especially since he and his girlfriend had a two year old son.

2) Allude to end of the world scenarios. It’s much more stressful being a seller than a buyer. Buyers can simply shop around with no commitments. However, the seller is putting himself out there by listing his property online, signing a contract with a real estate agent, and allowing strangers to go through his home. The seller also knows that if they don’t sell within a certain period of time, the property goes “stale fish.” It’s embarrassing when you put yourself out there and get rejected (no sale).

As a result of so much worry and stress, using “the end of the world” strategy can really motivate your seller to offload. You can start off with big picture scenarios such as discussing what would happen to the property market if the stock market has a 50%+ correction like it did in 2008-2009. Then you can go on to discuss what would happen if there was a terrorist attack. Finally, you can talk about natural disasters like earthquakes, flooding, and fire wiping away their property for good.

Fires do happen

Your goal is to make the seller believe their house is a riskier asset than it really is. When I was in the process of selling my rental property, I kept thinking how lucky I was to have escaped a big earthquake during my 13 years of ownership. The house was in The Marina district, which has loose soil that’s susceptible to liquefaction. Every San Franciscan is waiting for the big one to hit in the back of their minds.

If the buyer smartly pressed on the risk of damage in an earthquake by asking me about the soil underneath the house and whether I had experienced any earthquake damage during my time of ownership, I probably would not have negotiated as hard. I would have sensed his fear of risk, which would in turn made me more fearful of losing him as a buyer. The key is to ask about the potential risk of each scenario, and not tell. Asking gets the seller thinking about worst case scenarios.

Floods also do happen in addition to earthquakes

3) Focus on the benefits of a simple life. Life is much simpler renting and owning fewer things. A simple life is the reason why I’m not in a rush to buy another physical property. Bad tenants, leaky roofs, endless maintenance, and ever increasing property tax are terrible things. A simpler life is why I’m focused on real estate crowdfunding. If I can earn 10% – 15% a year without any hassle, I’m all for it.

The older the property seller, the more appealing a simple life free from property maintenance will be. After a decade of homeownership, a property owner will have experienced more than her fair share of troubles. But you can still argue about the joys of simpler living to younger property sellers too because they can definitely remember what it was like as a renter.

The way to convince the seller about the benefits of a simple life is to highlight all the remodeling and upgrades you plan to do to the property. Not only do you make the seller feel good knowing you plan to take care of the house, by discussing all the work you plan to do, you also remind the seller how much work she has to do if she were to keep the property.

My old house’s kitchen and two bathrooms were last remodeled in 1995. I had a 20+ year old HVAC unit that needed replacing. My back windows leaked, no matter how much I caulked around them. I also had an intermittent leaky light well that dripped through my dining room ceiling. If I kept the house, I would have needed to spend $100,000 – $300,000 on remodeling. The whole process would have been a huge pain due to unreliable contractors, the need for permits, and multi-stage inspections by the city. I wasn’t going to spend that much money and time for a rental, so I let it go.

Make sellers imagine how much better life is without having to maintain their property

Work On Your Persuasion Skills

Everybody has their preferences. If you can figure out what they are and make a connection, you can probably get at least a couple percentage points off fair market value. After about 5%, financial fundamentals take over. This is true for any negotiation situation.

If my SF rental house buyer could have made a connection with me over tennis and got me paranoid about an 8+ Richter scale earthquake hitting SF in the next five years, I probably would have sold the house for $140,000 less (5%) than I did. Even 5% less was still 4% higher than my aspirational selling price.

But don’t feel bad for my buyer. My house will do very well for him given how strong the SF economy is. I’m the one who occasionally feels bad about selling until I remind myself how difficult it was to deal with tenants and maintain a 1926 built house as a landlord. It also feels nice to no longer owe a mortgage and write $24,000 property tax checks every year. Spending time stressing over my rental when I could be spending time with my son would seriously piss me off.

For those who choose to rent, that’s OK too. Follow my BURL strategy and continuously invest your extra cash flow to beat inflation. If you remain disciplined by consistently investing the difference, you’ll do fine. But if you don’t, you’ll wish 20 years from now you held onto your property or bought a property today.

Related articles for homebuyers:

How To Offer All Cash For Property Without Having All Cash

Spray ‘N Pray: The Modern Way To Buy Property

To Get Rich, Practice Predicting The Future

Readers, what are some strategies you’ve deployed to try and get a discount from a property seller or anything you wanted to buy?

https://www.financialsamurai.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/How-to-buy-property-at-a-fair-market-discount.m4a

The post How To Purchase Property Below Fair Market Value With Just A Few Words appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from https://www.financialsamurai.com/three-ways-to-get-people-to-sell-their-property-below-fair-market-value/

[skuds-blog]

How To Purchase Property Below Fair Market Value With Just A Few Words

In real estate, there's a saying that goes, “money is made on the purchase, not on the sale.” With a well-timed purchase, you get to pay fewer property taxes over the life of ownership and generate a much higher compounded return due to a lower base.

The market is a wonderful place because it allows two people with opposing views to swap assets at an agreed upon clearing price. But I had to keep a poker face during my SF real estate purchases in 2003 and 2005 because deep down I was thinking, I can't believe they are selling for so cheap! 

Even with my latest single family home purchase in 2014, I couldn't believe they were selling a panoramic ocean view home on a double lot for 40% cheaper on a price/sqft basis than property on the east side of SF. No other major city in the world has ocean view properties that trade at a discount.

But now that the property market is hitting record highs across the country, it's a good idea to negotiate more aggressively, just in case you buy at the top of the market. Here are three strategies that may get you up to a 5% fair market discount. 

How To Convince Someone To Sell You Their Property

All information can be relayed via a formal letter to the seller or via an e-mail from real estate agent to real estate agent. The transaction period usually lasts between two weeks to two months, so you'll have time to negotiate fine details.

If ever there was a time to improve your written communication skills, now is the time!

1) Focus on making a connection. It's important to find some common interest between you and the seller. You can always find out something about the seller's background via an online search. People tend to like others with similar interests. Just look at how top management at companies all look the same.

Tell the seller how much their home would mean to you. Talk about the children you plan to play with in the backyard. Talk about your shared love of the Golden State Warriors. Salute their charitable efforts. In your letter, it's important to share with them who you are and why you are good people.

People tend to do business with people who are similar

Selling a home is extremely emotional, especially if you've lived in it for many years. A seller would much rather sell to a family who works at a non-profit looking to eradicate poverty than to a 25-year-old trust fund kid whose parents are paying the entire downpayment, all else being equal. Tell your story in a positive light by sharing the struggles you had to overcome.

The purchaser of my home wrote a nice letter that told me how much he loved my house's brick facade. It reminded him of the colonial homes in Virginia where he grew up and went to college. Given I, too, went to high school and college in Virginia, I was more willing to entertain his offer, especially since he and his girlfriend had a two year old son.

2) Allude to end of the world scenarios. It's much more stressful being a seller than a buyer. Buyers can simply shop around with no commitments. However, the seller is putting himself out there by listing his property online, signing a contract with a real estate agent, and allowing strangers to go through his home. The seller also knows that if they don't sell within a certain period of time, the property goes “stale fish.” It's embarrassing when you put yourself out there and get rejected (no sale).

As a result of so much worry and stress, using “the end of the world” strategy can really motivate your seller to offload. You can start off with big picture scenarios such as discussing what would happen to the property market if the stock market has a 50%+ correction like it did in 2008-2009. Then you can go on to discuss what would happen if there was a terrorist attack. Finally, you can talk about natural disasters like earthquakes, flooding, and fire wiping away their property for good.

Fires do happen

Your goal is to make the seller believe their house is a riskier asset than it really is. When I was in the process of selling my rental property, I kept thinking how lucky I was to have escaped a big earthquake during my 13 years of ownership. The house was in The Marina district, which has loose soil that's susceptible to liquefaction. Every San Franciscan is waiting for the big one to hit in the back of their minds.

If the buyer smartly pressed on the risk of damage in an earthquake by asking me about the soil underneath the house and whether I had experienced any earthquake damage during my time of ownership, I probably would not have negotiated as hard. I would have sensed his fear of risk, which would in turn made me more fearful of losing him as a buyer. The key is to ask about the potential risk of each scenario, and not tell. Asking gets the seller thinking about worst case scenarios.

Floods also do happen in addition to earthquakes

3) Focus on the benefits of a simple life. Life is much simpler renting and owning fewer things. A simple life is the reason why I'm not in a rush to buy another physical property. Bad tenants, leaky roofs, endless maintenance, and ever increasing property tax are terrible things. A simpler life is why I'm focused on real estate crowdfunding. If I can earn 10% – 15% a year without any hassle, I'm all for it.

The older the property seller, the more appealing a simple life free from property maintenance will be. After a decade of homeownership, a property owner will have experienced more than her fair share of troubles. But you can still argue about the joys of simpler living to younger property sellers too because they can definitely remember what it was like as a renter.

The way to convince the seller about the benefits of a simple life is to highlight all the remodeling and upgrades you plan to do to the property. Not only do you make the seller feel good knowing you plan to take care of the house, by discussing all the work you plan to do, you also remind the seller how much work she has to do if she were to keep the property.

My old house's kitchen and two bathrooms were last remodeled in 1995. I had a 20+ year old HVAC unit that needed replacing. My back windows leaked, no matter how much I caulked around them. I also had an intermittent leaky light well that dripped through my dining room ceiling. If I kept the house, I would have needed to spend $100,000 – $300,000 on remodeling. The whole process would have been a huge pain due to unreliable contractors, the need for permits, and multi-stage inspections by the city. I wasn't going to spend that much money and time for a rental, so I let it go.

Make sellers imagine how much better life is without having to maintain their property

Work On Your Persuasion Skills

Everybody has their preferences. If you can figure out what they are and make a connection, you can probably get at least a couple percentage points off fair market value. After about 5%, financial fundamentals take over. This is true for any negotiation situation.

If my SF rental house buyer could have made a connection with me over tennis and got me paranoid about an 8+ Richter scale earthquake hitting SF in the next five years, I probably would have sold the house for $140,000 less (5%) than I did. Even 5% less was still 4% higher than my aspirational selling price.

But don't feel bad for my buyer. My house will do very well for him given how strong the SF economy is. I'm the one who occasionally feels bad about selling until I remind myself how difficult it was to deal with tenants and maintain a 1926 built house as a landlord. It also feels nice to no longer owe a mortgage and write $24,000 property tax checks every year. Spending time stressing over my rental when I could be spending time with my son would seriously piss me off.

For those who choose to rent, that's OK too. Follow my BURL strategy and continuously invest your extra cash flow to beat inflation. If you remain disciplined by consistently investing the difference, you'll do fine. But if you don't, you'll wish 20 years from now you held onto your property or bought a property today.

Related articles for homebuyers:

How To Offer All Cash For Property Without Having All Cash

Spray 'N Pray: The Modern Way To Buy Property

To Get Rich, Practice Predicting The Future

Readers, what are some strategies you've deployed to try and get a discount from a property seller or anything you wanted to buy?

https://www.financialsamurai.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/How-to-buy-property-at-a-fair-market-discount.m4a

The post How To Purchase Property Below Fair Market Value With Just A Few Words appeared first on Financial Samurai.

[argotmagazine-blog]

Coming Out As Self Defense

Content Warning: Emotional Abuse

Photo Credit: Mark Fosh

[Image Description: a close-up of two coat of arms shields on the exterior facade of a gothic style building at Cambridge Uni] 

Coming out is a process, more than a destination. It took me a long time to learn this — a long time and a lot of new places. I spent most of 2017 as a temp, moving from office to office every three months. The introductory ritual was always the same. "Hello, my name is Waverly, I’m [covering for whoever/replacing whoever else/stepping into someone else’s life for a while], I used to sell books, I used to study literature, I used to have a girlfriend, would you like a cup of tea? No, no, it’s really okay. I’m already going to the kitchen."

(This is another thing you learn when temping: people can generally be bought with caffeinated drinks.)

Yet I have never had a girlfriend. Everyone I’ve dated has been non-binary, like me. But it’s easier to fluff the details — of your own identity, of others’. ‘Girlfriend’ is the protest sign I carry in upraised hands to each everyday coming-out. Sure, it lacks nuance, but nuance is for long-term projects, not short-term necessity. It’s there to make a point, the point being in this instance that I’ve never been heterosexual in my life. I want that to be absolutely goddamn clear.

What I mean to say is coming out is an act of self-protection every time I do it. It’s a piece of armor I’m always waiting to put on, a defense against assumption, a shield to deflect any casual, thoughtless harm. The thing is that it’s always worked. The first time I ever came out, I traded visibility, and thus vulnerability, for respite from an ongoing trauma — although that sounds much more directed than it felt at the time. In the moment, I felt like it was the sensible choice. Which is sort of hilarious, under scrutiny, with hindsight.

***

My father drives us all out for the day. He is proud of me in the ways he knows how to be proud of me, which are condescending at best and ferocious at worst. The atmosphere in the car is strange, colored by heat and traffic. I have learned to measure these things according to instinct and necessity; I am getting better all the time. My sister doesn’t speak. I put in my headphones — announce it to the assembled company so I have an excuse to keep quiet too. The faint strains of Radio 2 filter in through the music in my earbuds. The beats of the songs fail over and over to align.

I’m dressed smartly, which is to say I look somewhere close to presentable despite my complete incapacity with fashion and make-up. We are going to the council chambers and those are capital-F Fancy. I am representing my school and that is capital-I Important. I shake all the necessary hands. When I was five years old I took classes on all of these things — eye contact, quiet hands, the peacekeeping ritual of small talk — because it never occurred to me to do them without prompting. Now I am adept. Adults love me. Adults have loved me for years because I have talked like I am one of them since the age of maybe six.

I make my speech. It is all very pop-feminism, dancing in circles around the heart of a movement to which I came shamefully late. I overrun by ten seconds. This turns out to matter; a boy who speaks both engagingly and to time beats me to first place.

That isn’t why it matters. It wouldn’t matter to me if I were here by myself and if I were doing this only for me. But my family has been sticking to these leather-cushioned chairs for the past two hours, anticipating victory. They have grown accustomed to failure as a catalyst – not for reflection or renewal of efforts, but for something altogether more explosive. They came here for me, though I can’t imagine I wanted them to. Now they think they have to tiptoe around me in the wake of my loss. This is an effort. My father is not capable of walking on his toes.

(For a while my mother was a ballet teacher. She made sure that my sister and I were taught the basics, and though we both dropped out of our Saturday classes in the end, what I learned has never quite left me. Even nearly two decades on, I remember the list of positions, one-two-three-four-five; the tension in my calves, the brittle arch of my arms as I balanced on the balls of my feet. Ageless, thoughtless reflexes inhabit my body, ghosts in a haunted house. You don’t outgrow what you learn that early on.)

We emerge from the council chambers into the light. My father wants to stay. "We could make the best of it," he says. "Go shopping. Have fun."

Nobody is in the mood for fun. I’m tired, overwhelmed. My sister has been quietly sulking all day. My mother can see the brittleness in my father's smile and knows better than to say what she means. Stuck in this deadlock, we limp around the shopping center for maybe half an hour. I’m out of emotional energy; I poured all of it into competition nerves or on-the-spot resilience. I don’t have it in me to soften the blow when he gives up and we duly troop back to the car.

"I am putting in my headphones," I say, as we start to descend through the grey concrete layers of the car park. Nobody really says anything back.

We’re halfway home when my father cracks. Was it something he said? Why is everyone so quiet? What has he done this time, he wants to know, and it falls on my mother to pacify him.  

"We’re fine," she says. "We’re just tired."  

"I’ve had my headphones in,” I add. “So I didn’t hear if you tried to talk to me. Did you try to talk to me?"

He did not try to talk to me.

My sister stares sullenly out of the window. I put my headphones back in. The silence resumes. We are all going to die in this suffocating car if I do not find a way to intervene.

At least that’s what it feels like. The man in the driver’s seat is a time bomb with a short fuse. Seconds left on the clock. I don’t have anything to cheer him up because I lost the goddamn competition. I don’t have a means to pacify him, because all my sensors are screaming danger and providing absolutely nothing more useful than that. I need a distraction. I need something big enough to command attention, something emotionally affecting enough to make fighting unconscionable for the rest of the afternoon.

My brain lands somewhere it would never have landed if it worked the way it should.

We pull up into the driveway; evacuate the car. I slip into the house before anyone else, take off my shoes, stow them away. I don’t feel my body anymore. I have stopped being a person and started being a purpose, which is not a skill that many sixteen-year-olds possess.

I climb the stairs, just a little way, enough for a height advantage on my father. I look into the mirror right opposite the staircase in my parents’ house. I used to get told off for looking into it too much like this was vanity. It wasn’t vanity. I was only ever trying to find a sense of object permanence, vis-a-vis my own presence in the world.  My reflection catches my eye as my parents crowd in the hallway, wiping their feet on the mat. It’s nothing to do with me at all, this funny-looking stranger in a smart sheath dress and a string of old pearls.

They’re starting for the kitchen. I take a breath.

"There’s something I want to tell you," I say, and they stop still in the doorway. There is a banister between them and me, neat white railings like bars. "I’m bisexual," I say. "I’ve known for a while."

And that is all it takes.

My father claims to have always known. My mother is startled, tripping over herself to tell me that of course, of course, it’s all right. All the tensions of our family outing are forgotten. The gesture does everything I need it to do, and I get genuinely, exceptionally lucky into the bargain. Nobody disowns me. Nobody screams. Nobody tells me I’m wrong. 

I climb the stairs quickly and quietly. My bedroom is blue and airy and light, and I wrap it around me like my very own cocoon. I lift the lid on my laptop and sit at my desk, where I always sit. I open my browser, click around, drift between mindless flash games while my feelings start to come back online. I don't know if I want to cry. When I reach for whatever it was that presented the question, my hand closes on empty air; there’s a concept, but without the language with which to express it, I might as well be trying to hold onto smoke.

My mother taps at the door. "Come in," I tell her.

She puts her head around the frame, tousle-haired and owl-eyed and ever so careful. "I’m sorry," she says. There’s a terrible self-discipline underpinning it all; the steadiness of her hands, the studied calm of her voice. She’s en pointe. I learned from the best. "It’s such a lot to take in, and it’s hard to know how to respond in the heat of the moment. But I don’t want you to think I’m unhappy because I’m not. I’m so happy you felt you could tell us. You know I love you, don’t you?"

The first time I saw my mother cry, it was after a fight at the dinner table. My father took a chair and threw it to the floor, stormed up the stairs while the three of us drowned in our own horrified silence. I crept upstairs to bed, later on, while she sobbed in the kitchen with my father’s hand on her shoulder. "You shouldn’t call them stupid. They’re very intelligent little girls," she said, tears streaming down her face. We were children. For days after the fact, he was so kind to us, overflowing with energy and laughter.

"I know," I say, and look down at my hands on the keyboard. "I love you too."

***

I am still in contact with my parents. Every few months, for a few hours at a time, they come to visit me in the city where I live. It is a compromise that feels very similar to coming out; it staves off a reckoning for just a little longer, and the only thing it costs me is another piece of myself. I stumble between encounters and I hope for a solution that won’t demand anything more from me. My mother did the same for decades of marriage, and she is still there, still hoping.

"It’s hard to know how to respond," she said, "in the heat of the moment." She was right. I’m like a plant, choked and stunted into a shape it can’t sustain. Sure, I can read a room in a heartbeat, and I can curtail an imminent danger faster than anyone I know, but I’ve spent my life watching every entrance and exit for any hint of trouble, and I’m exhausted. Self-acceptance is one thing. Throwing out scraps of my identity like signal flares – look over here, don’t go that way – is something else entirely. It’s an act of self-defense against the threat of harm, however ignorant and however reflexive that harm might be, and it works so terribly well that I might never be able to stop. One day there won’t be any diversions left. More to the point, there won’t be anything of me.

I don’t identify with ‘bisexual’ anymore. I go with ‘queer’ where possible; in spaces where it’s not, I opt for ‘gay’ instead. No matter what, I am always waiting for someone to notice the quiet elision of my gender. Then there are the words with which I’ve been diagnosed, the words I am still slowly attempting to interrogate. Dysthymia, depression, anxiety, trauma. All any of it means is that I don’t feel things the way I should. 

But the words matter, don’t they? We bargain with the world for what little respite we can get. We put names to what we are and hope it forestalls the inevitable, whatever our inevitable might be. There’s protection in systems; there’s some small, bitter self-defense in every compromise we make.

Coming out, compromising, coping – the process defeats me over and over, and there might never be a destination. I don’t know what the answer could be. I can only hope that there’s meaning in the effort to articulate the question.

Waverly SM survived a Cambridge education and ran away to a bookshop in Oxford, disappointing their parents and most of their teachers. Their hobbies include staring into space, thinking about ghosts, and masking existential dread with blue hair dye. They’re working on a book about a world-devouring god, its chosen prophets, and their efforts to reclaim their agency in the face of the apocalypse. They’re regrettably active on Twitter, and a selection of their essays and poetry can be found on Medium.

[krustentier7]

The games I played in 2016

You’re probably expecting the first paragraph to be about what a shit year 2016 was in general, but that’s so played out and I don’t really want to waste too much time. With video games specifically, I can say that this year at least for me has seen a massive drop off in quality compared to last. We did have a few pretty monumental releases that were a long time coming, but really nothing as legendary as any of my Top 5 placements of last year.

That said, I went over the list of game releases in 2016 last night and god damn, I played (and beat!) a lot of fucking games this year. In fact, while the number of games that I was interested in and didn’t get a chance to play is still pretty high, I managed to play *more* games than that. I keep feeling myself being increasingly strapped for time, and yet I still managed to play a lot and be part of the conversation, which I’m really happy about.

Still, I want to give you a list of titles I was interested in, but didn’t get a chance to play much of (despite even owning some of them) before we really kick things off: Owlboy, The Silver Case, Severed, Guilty Gear Xrd Revelator, Odin Sphere Leifthrasir (own that one), Dragon Quest VII, Thumper, Rez Infinite (mostly for Area X but fuck paying $30 for an HD remake of a Dreamcast game, even if it’s Rez), Amplitude, Salt and Sanctuary, Pokkén Tournament, Enter the Gungeon (another one I own), VA-11 HALL-A, Let It Die (first impression was pretty bad, but I dig the concept, so I want to give it another shot when I have time), Grow Up (own this one too), Steins;Gate Zero, ReCore (it’s on my hard drive), Darkest Dungeon, Gunvolt 2, Gears 4.

See, I did a similar thing last year and a lot of the games I mentioned there I still haven’t played, soooooooo… yeah… just thought I should mention them before anyone wonders where they are, let’s move on.

I’m also vaguely interested in Dishonored 2, Deus Ex: Mankind Divided (which I actually own since I’m bad with money), Digimon Story Cyber Sleuth, Watch Dogs 2 and Pokémon SuMo? Mostly because I’ve heard good things about them and less because actual personal desire to play them.

Now, one thing I want to do that I didn’t last year is talk about a few games that I played that didn’t come out in 2016, they’re pretty noteworthy titles that I’m glad I finally got around to and mark some of my high points for this year.

Earthbound and Mother 3

The best roadtrip games that I played this year. I tried getting into Earthbound countless times over the years and always stopped not very far in for various reasons, but when it was released to the 3DS’s Virtual Console earlier this year, I knew that now was the time. It’s a great game to play on a handheld, the fact it took me months to complete (I played it on and off before Summer and then started dedicating entire days to it as I was closing in on the finish line) kind of added to this feeling of going on a huge journey in a way. I love that Earthbound doesn’t hold your hand too much, the environments have so much detail and personality crammed into them and are really fun to explore. The RPG gameplay is fairly basic, but there’s enough room for experimentation to allow for clever and fun strategies, and the limited inventory really keeps you on your toes. I really didn’t expect to like Earthbound as much as I did, it holds up so well both as an experience *and* as a game.

Mother 3 on the other hand is a pretty different experience! It’s a much more linear and guided journey that goes all-in on its more personal and literal story. While Earthbound was all about the adventure with all its ups and downs and less about a larger story, it’s the complete opposite in Mother 3 – and while I ultimately came to prefer Earthbound, this approach does have its merits. It’s become such a meme over the years, but Mother 3 really pulls at your heart-strings, and some of the game’s darker moments I’m really unlikely to ever forget. The story wouldn’t work as well as it does if it weren’t for all the streamlining and hand-holding, and I think as a counterpoint to the first two games in the series, it was a worthy sacrifice. I do think a lot of the RPG open-endedness suffers in this transition to a much more linear journey, and while I do really like the rhythm combo system, I think purely as an RPG, Earthbound is the better game. Side note, but I gotta say that I vastly preferred Earthbound’s more isometric style and open environments to Mother 3’s top-down perspective and extremely linear progression. Both are totally worth playing though and I wouldn’t want them to just be the same thing, it’s good that they’re so different. The Mother 4 fan game is looking to combine aspects of both titles into one, and I can’t wait to see how it turns out.

Final Fantasy VII

That’s right, I literally *never* played Final Fantasy VII for longer than ten minutes before it came to PS4. It’s hard to say how much the extra features of that version enhanced the experience for me, turbo mode and toggleable random encounters definitely make this game much more palatable. Overall though, I’m extremely happy to report that the game completely holds up and is *not* overrated.

It really encapsulates what I think RPGs are good at: thirty, forty, fifty, sixty hours, that’s time that is rarely afforded to a story. When I think about Final Fantasy, I think about huge long ass journeys, with so many ups and downs and so many different little arcs, worlds that feel massive and alive, mysterious heroes and grandiose villains, twists and turns, revelations and dramatic high points… that’s Final Fantasy and that’s what VII offers. You really come to love this ragtag group of friends and exploring Gaia (I really love how many different vehicles you unlock by the way) is an absolute joy. Beyond that, I love the Materia system and how flexible it is. I usually only expect that kind of open-endedness from games like SMT, but FFVII has so many wacky combinations and ways to play that it’s almost mesmerizing. Just a wonderful, wonderful game.

The World Ends With You

TWEWY is a game with so many unique ideas crammed into it, none of which I’ve seen before or since its release, that somehow manages to make it all work. It’s easy to forget that games like Persona weren’t nearly as popular then as they are now, so the sheer novelty of a Square Enix RPG set in the modern day that really feeds off Shibuya teenage fashion culture was really something to behold. You eat food and need to wait for it to digest to get buffs, you need to set trends and wear appropriate clothing to raise your stats, YOU FIGHT ON BOTH SCREENS AT ONCE… it shouldn’t all gel together as well as it does, but, well, it does. When the combat and the music completely click, you get one of the most exhilarating and fun RPGs ever made, and the story handles contemporary themes like identity and adolescence with a lot of confidence and vigor.

That doesn’t mean that the game is without flaws though, far from it. I feel like the team spent a lot of time polishing the combat and the presentation (it’s really one of the most stylish games you’ll ever play) and put a lot of thought into its story, but the overall structure feels like a complete afterthought.  You’re constantly asked to run back and forth through a tiny game world, story progression is often gated off behind menial tasks. The combat is so much fun and the learning curve so steep that it really carries the experience, but if they ever decide to make a sequel (MEME), this is one area that really needs to improve. Beyond that, a lot of important abilities that really round off the combat and make it actually feel fully playable are locked behind story progression; you feel artificially gimped for way too long. The game has problems differentiating between similar touch inputs at points, having to drag Neku across the screen to move is tough to get used to (I realize there’s no real way around these problems though), and the dual-screen gameplay can vary wildly between a tightly choreographed ballet or a button-mashy mess.

All of these flaws are easy to forgive though when TWEWY pulls off so many unique ideas with such confidence – it’s a game that’s impossible to hate.

Doom

In preparation for the 2016 sequel, I finally played the original Doom and it’s fucking good? I love the emphasis on high-speed movement and exploration, the gunplay is still insanely polished after all these years and every encounter feels completely hand-crafted. Not much else to say, a total classic.

Max Payne

The original Max Payne is banned here in Germany, but my girlfriend gifted it to me through Steam (<3) and I finally got a chance to play it. It’s really good! Recoil and sound effects on every single gun are spot-on and bullet time/shoot dodges really never get old. I do think it’s a bit of a contrast to Doom, it made me realize that shooters designed around hit scan weapons aren’t really my preferred type of game, but that does little to blemish what’s here.

Resident Evil 4

My last RE4 playthrough had been a while ago, the only reason I’m mentioning it now is because I somehow spent thirty hours replaying this game I know front to back on Professional?? I dunno how that happened, I just know it was fucking GOOD.

I just realized how much time I’ve already spent writing about games that didn’t even come out this year, so before I waste any more time, let’s move on to my honorable mentions, games I played but didn’t make the Top 10 for whatever reason:

Furi

The most impressive thing about Furi is that it’s a great display of working smartly around a tight budget. Crafting a deep action game moveset and then building a game around it that takes advantage of it is nigh-impossible on the scale of a $20 downloadable game (see Platinum’s Korra game for what an attempt at that looks like), so what they did instead is give Rider, Furi’s protagonist, a very limited number of moves that all have purpose and make every single combat encounter in the game a full-on boss fight.

Every boss has a number of unique gimmicks and mechanics for you to figure out, and the game remains engaging and, dare I say it, hype for its entire runtime. The only real problem with Furi is that it’s fundamentally a game about reacting to your enemy and executing a strategy rather than player expression and decision making, the latter being what defines action games like Devil May Cry and Bayonetta. The main innovation of DMC1 was the game’s ranking system: there’ve been countless other games were you run around and kill enemies before it, but DMC1 incentivized you to also try and look cool. That element, playing around with your enemies and exhausting your character’s potential, is what gives these games their staying power, and it’s sorely lacking from Furi. Again, this was really the optimal and only way for this game to be made with the budget that it had, but it sadly fails to offer a lot of the satisfaction that I expect from games of this genre. That’s also why I haven’t gone back for a replay, it’s nice that enemy patterns are mixed up on higher difficulties, but the way I react to them is always going to be the same.

Street Fighter V

I don’t really agree with a lot of the backlash against Street Fighter V, while the relative lack of modes compared to other fighters is pretty baffling, I don’t really know why anyone would purchase this game if not to play 99% online, which is decently robust here. The game has a lot of structural issues, big and small, I think the currency system especially is so incredibly stingy that it might as well not exist, but it’s really too much to get into right now.

The reason Street Fighter has always been my preferred fighting game is how grounded and based on fundamentals it is. I really do get the appeal of games like Marvel, but spending hours upon hours in training mode to learn combo execution is way too daunting for me. Street Fighter gets to the, to me, interesting part of fighting games almost immediately, you can have small mind games and strategies even on very low levels of play. Street Fighter V makes great strides to emphasize this aspect even further: combos are easier to understand than ever, every single character is unique and the V system really helps bringing their strengths to the forefront. You immediately understand what any given character is about and how to play them, which makes finding the right character for you easier and more fun than ever.

I will admit though that there’s a bit too much overlap between different V-Skills and V-Triggers, and the latter generally don’t have as much utility or change the game up as much as I would like.

I have to say that I kind of hit a personal wall with the game, and a lot of the Season 2 changes are looking… questionable. Still, I really can’t deny that I had a great time with it, generally.

Fire Emblem Fates – Conquest

I was pretty burned out after beating Conquest despite enjoying it a lot, which is why I still haven’t gone back and played the other two parts that make up the whole of Fire Emblem Fates. There’s really not much I can say without going super in-depth, I know saying how great the map design is without explaining why is just really blegh but you’ll have to trust me on this one. Every map uses some unique layout and gimmick, your troops complement each other extremely well and you it feels really rewarding to figure out the best positioning and approach for any given situation. My only major misgiving is that Awakening’s relationship mechanics feel very out of place in Conquest’s more linear structure, they incentivize you to play differently from how you actually should and I found them to be really distracting. Other than that it’s an excellent entry into the series.

The Witness

The Witness is really good but I still haven’t beaten it (198 puzzles solved?). I kinda just want to leave it at that but there’s more I can say about it.

While the island the game is set on almost completely disconnected from the actual challenges you encounter, it lends the game an air of mystery and discovering how all the locations are connected and intertwined is really engaging. The Witness has been criticized for this disconnect a lot, every puzzle uses the exact same interface, but I think this approach has a lot of advantages over games like Portal, Limbo or Jonathan Blow’s own Braid. It’s always immediately clear when you’re on the wrong track, and there’s basically no real execution required – any person can draw a line on a grid, the only thing that matters is having the brain power to figure out how to do it.

Two annoyances that I can think of: you have a map of the island, but you can only look at it when you’re on a boat? And some of the puzzle mechanics really didn’t make a lick of sense to me, even after begrudgingly checking a guide. Like, I know I would’ve never figured some of the puzzles out myself because their rules were so arbitrary and hard to understand to me.   Uncharted 4

The action and combat sequences in Uncharted 4 are honestly some of the most breath-taking and heart-pounding I’ve seen in any game, I had moments where my jaw literally dropped to the floor and I was in genuine disbelief at what was happening on my TV. This stands in stark contrast to basically the other half of the game which mostly consists of slowly walking through linear environments, listening to dialogue and pushing crates. These moments served as pace breakers in earlier Uncharted games, but here they’re almost the main focus; it’s no coincidence that, for the first time in the series, there is a menu option to select and play every combat encounter (and just those) after you beat the game once. Some of the climbing and puzzle mechanics were expanded, but not to the degree that they can really stand on their own. I enjoyed exploring Madagascar on the jeep or riding the boat and exploring different islands with Sam (because here we get to do *actual* exploration of sizable environments), but so much of the non-action in Uncharted 4 is barely interactive and, well, boring.

What’s baffling is that the gunplay is so insanely good now that the game really didn’t need hours and hours of unengaging simple ass platforming or walking down straight lines. I love how the little dot inside the aiming reticle moves and twitches offset from the cross, the way enemies and their clothing react to bullet impact. I also find it almost offensive how utterly convinced Naughty Dog seem of their new direction: I think a lot of the quieter moments in The Last of Us were justifiable, but it annoys me that people are under the belief now that walking in a straight line and listening to dialogue is good storytelling. Watching the PSX demo for the upcoming DLC honestly had me burying my face in my hands in disbelief. Storytelling seems to be the only thing they’re passionate about anymore, and it’s to the point that you can just tell how bad Uncharted 4 wants to be a movie instead of a game.

Monster Hunter Generations

I love the Style system and how seamlessly it ties into with the existing weapons and mechanics, not every combination is a winner and you’re required to experiment and find what works best for you. Beyond that though, I found Monster Hunter 4’s story structure to be a huge leap forward for the series, and Generations basically takes all that progress away in favor of barebones quests with next to no context. So many of the Village Quests are based on gathering and mob hunts, you still can’t see Key Quests, and the satisfying progression of unique and charming hubs that defined MH4 has been done away with; hubs are pretty much completely meaningless now and merely serve as nostalgic throwbacks.

I’m making the game sound awful now, it still has everything we’ve come to know and love about Monster Hunter and I would recommend it to anyone, but compared to the evolution that MH4 was, it feels like a stop gap before the series (hopefully) moves on from 3DS. Final Fantasy XV

I plan to talk more in-depth about XV later down the line, and if it weren’t for me tempering my expectations to such a degree it would probably fall under disappointments rather than honorable mentions. I did enjoy my time with it, no doubt, it really nails the feeling of going on a journey and traversing an entire continent mainly through its impressive use of scale and some really cute mechanics like Prompto’s photos or camping. The game can have a really satisfying pull of exploration and combat that, when it clicks, it *really* clicks. It’s clear though that a lot of it doesn’t hold up under scrutiny, and I want to examine it more closely and explain why hopefully in the near future.

Oxenfree

I think what annoyed me the most about Oxenfree is how on-rails it feels? You’re trekking through the woods and Jonas warns you to not get lost, and I just sat there wondering how I’m supposed to get lost when I’m quite literally exploring on rails. That’s mostly what is making me hesitant to play through the game a second time, I really see it becoming something of a slog on repeat playthroughs despite the short length. The story is cute, but it fails to give you a tangible sense of danger or ever really raise the stakes significantly. I think it really could’ve used some puzzle/action moments to inject some variety and engage the player more.

What I’m really impressed by is the dialogue system and how the game really goes all-in on it: conversations and dialogue choices happen without any sort of interruption and feel completely seamless, the dialogue choices themselves almost never follow any discernible patterns or fit inside a box, and the resulting branches and outcomes feel real and natural. I love how talking is really the main bulk of what you do in Oxenfree, and it’s something more games need to try in this fashion.

Overwatch

Overwatch is really good and I think it’s amazing that a multiplayer-only FPS can have such a fleshed-out world and a colorful personality like that, but I don’t really care about objective/team-based games for various reasons and I wish it had a singleplayer. I also haven’t been wanting to dedicate time to games where I don’t make “real” progress lately, and if you take one look at my backlog you’ll know why.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutants in Manhattan

I like that you can play levels out of order and a lot of the mechanics kind of start to make sense once you get to the boss fights, the open level structure is also interesting (though not as well executed as Anarchy Reigns or MadWorld), but everything else is pretty much as blegh as you’ve been told on the internet. Mob fights especially are such an incoherent mess that I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

What’s puzzling is that the game really doesn’t seem to lack polish in any way, I don’t get the impression that lack of time or money is the culprit here. That’s pretty disconcerting and I hope it’s not an omen of what’s to come out of Platinum going forward.

Quantum Break

Quantum Break has cool gunplay and a nice little story, but I instantly forgot it existed once the credits stopped rolling. I think a lot of shooters limit their enemy design by choosing a realistic modern day setting, and that issue is on full display here: the number of generic soldiers you mow down just completely washes over you after a while. It’s also easy to draw comparisons to another third person shooter, Vanquish, and one thing I realized when I thought about it this way is that powers in Quantum Break almost never combine in meaningful ways and have too many similar applications. Slowing down time after a dodge, stacking bullets into one big cluster, doing a melee takedown after running – these moves all serve to either buy yourself more time to do damage, or to do a lot of damage at once.

In Vanquish, you can slow down time at basically any point; after you jump over cover, during a dash, after a roll, after you launch yourself in the air with a drop kick or certain melee attacks. From these examples alone you can already see different actions intertwining to give you much more utility than is immediately obvious, but it goes even deeper with things like boost dodging or SHOOTING YOUR OWN GRENADES.

Quantum Break lacks that kind of depth and, while the gunplay is as polished and exciting as you would expect from Remedy, it’s what makes the game rather forgettable.

Disappointments

Games that came out this year and not only didn’t make the Top Ten, but ended up being very disappointing to me personally for various reasons. I do have to add that the three following titles aren’t bad, in fact I’d argue they’re better games than a lot of the honorable mentions; I just happen to be particularly attached to them, emotionally, which obviously creates certain expectations, expectations that weren’t exactly met.

Zero Time Dilemma

The conclusion to the Zero Escape trilogy, it’s kind of hard to talk about what made Zero Time Dilemma disappointing without going into spoilers. I did have a really good time throughout most of the adventure, even though there were a lot of structural aspects to this story I wasn’t entirely on board with (without saying too much, I feel that a lot of events lack lasting consequences and end up falling flat for me and sapping away a lot of the tension). It only really falls apart during the final act, we’re served up ass-pull upon ass-pull (a lot of which have become memes, understandably) and it completely fails to tie up the loose ends of the previous two Zero Escape games. None of the burning questions that VLR left are even remotely addressed, instead Zero Time Dilemma feels very much like its own story, and it isn’t a particularly satisfying one. This trilogy had been such a journey up to this point, and ZTD really had the potential to deliver a massive payoff for all those who stuck with it over all these years, potential that sadly just wasn’t acted upon.

Most of the smart and praiseworthy aspects of this game were already present in VLR (how game progression is closely linked to your understanding of the story) and it’s hard to replicate the same wow factor by just repeating old tricks again. Beyond that, the move to fully animated 3D visuals is well-intentioned, but uh… just look at any of the trailers, really. I’m fully aware that 3D modelling and animation is much easier today than sprite/pixel-art, but I’m finding it hard to believe that they couldn’t just have hired a bunch of artists to draw a few dozen character portraits and environmental backdrops in the vein of 999 with the same budget. I think that’s something a lot of people would have preferred, and it would’ve been an artistic choice that is much more conscious of the team’s capabilities and the available resources.

Not only would that have made the overall presentation much tighter, I also think the game in its current form has a harder time handling exposition and info dumps than its predecessors. You can hardly have a ten minute exposé on Ice-9 within the confines of what is essentially filmic storytelling. There are certain rules animated cutscenes must adhere to: pacing, frequent cuts, length. A huge storytelling advantage games have over other forms of entertainment is that they can have lengthy dialogue sequences using text boxes and the like, without the player becoming unengaged over time and on a much tighter budget. This is something 999 and VLR reveled in, but ZTD’s move to animated cutscenes means that that isn’t an option anymore. These ass-pulls I mentioned earlier are so much harder to buy into now that the world and its rules aren’t as fully established as they were in the previous Zero Escape games.  

Dark Souls 3

I don’t really know what to say about Dark Souls 3. I’ve talked about a lot of misgivings in terms of level design in recent Souls games previously. One thing I would definitely like to add is how mishandled hubs have been in the series ever since Dark Souls 2: in Demon’s Souls, the Nexus was a necessary compromise since From Software weren’t yet able to connect all the areas seamlessly. The game managed to make this into a strength, however, by having the hub constantly change throughout the adventure and giving the player the option to tackle levels in any order. Items are places so deliberately throughout every single level that, on repeat playthroughs, the player will have a deep understanding of where to go early and how to give themselves an advantage through sequence breaks.

Dark Souls doesn’t have quite the same flexibility as Demon’s, owing to its move to a seamless world structure. I still think it’s a great trade-off though, because the feeling of knowing a game inside out and having the wit to figure out the perfect order in which to do things is so much stronger now that the game world is completely interconnected and requires you to map everything out in your head. Figuring out that you can go to Blighttown early or fight Pinwheel as your first boss is so much cooler when you actually physically have to perform these leaps and sequence breaks instead of just using a level select like in Demon’s Souls.

Firelink Shrine was an important piece in this puzzle: Lordran’s layout is so smart that just progressing through the game and using shortcuts as you normally would meant you had to return there frequently, and every time you would discover some new interesting change that further informs your understanding of the game world.

Now, two things: first, I think warping from the start of the game is a huge mistake. It completely removes the need for shortcuts and an interconnected game world, and it compromises this feeling of understanding and getting to know your surroundings. Dark Souls 3 and Bloodborne both have branching points where you get to choose which area to tackle first, but that’s really not the same as figuring these connections and branches out yourself. Even so, while both games have very wide and expansive areas, game progression is almost entirely linear compared to Demon’s or Dark Souls. I think 3 is a better game than 2, but I would honestly go as far to say that Dark Souls 3 is the most linear Souls game yet.

Second, it’s obvious that From Software recognized fundamental flaws in this design approach: if you can just warp anywhere and the world isn’t really interconnected, it means you’re not naturally going to return to your hub like you would in Demon’s or Dark Souls. And if the player doesn’t do that, they’re going to miss out on important NPC interactions and it makes it impossible for the designers to reset the player’s focus when they want to.

Their solution to this was to remove the ability to level up at any bonfire; the only way to do that in post-Dark Souls titles is to go back to the hub and speak to an NPC. I think the fact this change had to be made just shows that the whole idea of warping from the start was ill-conceived. Whereas the hubs in Demon’s and Dark Souls had purpose and a reason to exist, they’re nothing more than a contrivance and old baggage here.

To talk more about Dark Souls 3 specifically, a few rapid-fire points: the bosses are really great and varied and unique, and I like the weapons a lot (even though Weapon Artes didn’t live up to their full potential). I’m extremely conflicted on the amount of references and callbacks to other Souls games; every moment that I found hype or memorable was thanks to my experience with every other Souls game up to that point, which just makes me really sad thinking about it. I also think the way some of the open questions that Dark Souls left are answered so lazily here that I honestly wish they hadn’t bothered and stayed away from the first game’s legacy. Final point: god this game looks so much like Bloodborne that it’s uncanny, I genuinely can’t tell the two apart sometimes. That’s all the more upsetting because Bloodborne was a much, much better game with a lot more creative energy behind it. WHICH BRINGS ME TO...

Shin Megami Tensei IV: Apocalypse

This game is fucking shit and I’m legit not joking when I say that I have not even the faintest as to why anyone would think it’s better than the original.

Actually okay, let me back up, this game has all the trappings of any good SMT aka monster collecting/fusing and fast-paced high-stakes combat. On that fundamental primal level, Apocalypse can be pretty fun, I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy min-maxing and planning out how I’m going to build my party. Some of the balance and system tweaks I’m also on board with (Skill Affinities and Demon Negotiation, namely), but everything else is such a far cry from the original SMT IV that it’s honestly hard to believe. I know I’m gonna go more in-depth with this game in the future, so I can’t go into full detail about my complaints just yet, but needless to say that, seeing how much I loved and appreciated SMT IV, this is easily my biggest disappointment of the year.

On that note, I am very curious if some of the mechanics on display here are going to find their way into Persona 5, which is not something I would be against.

And now what you’ve all been waiting for, here are my ten favorite games of 2016:

10. Superhot

Superhot was really cool, but I kind of just instantly forgot about it when I beat it. Crazy potential for a sequel and I would definitely play it again and again if it weren’t for me trying to avoid replays in favor of working on my backlog.

9. Hyper Light Drifter

I really love the combat, the aesthetics and the approach to tone and storytelling in Hyper Light Drifter, but I think it didn’t quite live up to its full potential. I keep seeing people comparing this to the original Zelda (a game I am very fond of), and while I can see where they’re coming from (both games are comparatively minimalist and open-ended to most games out there, and they emphasize combat and easy-to-understand challenges over puzzles and the like), it’s really not on the same level for me. While there are plenty of secrets tucked away in HLD’s world and the order in which to tackle every area is up to you, it still follows a very basic, formulaic structure: here’s your hub, here are four areas connected to it, every area, while expansive, is its own completely separate challenge.

Compared to games like Dark Souls or yes, the original Zelda, item placements also don’t feel as deliberate, the world’s layout doesn’t seem to reward knowledge and efficient replays very much. Important, powerful items are often either rewards for completing story tasks are upgrades you buy with points from a shop in the hub. I think this basic four-area structure and the fact that everything outside the hub is very much challenge-focused (meaning you’re not gonna encounter NPCs or special shops like you would in the other games I mentioned) is a real missed opportunity.

What also put a damper on my enjoyment of the game are a lot of the technical problems I had with the PC version, which have been largely fixed over time, making me wish I had waited a bit longer to play it. I am really excited to revisit it though.

8. Super Mario Run

I’ve tweeted about this before, but what I like the most about Super Mario Run is that I’m not punished for running through every level as fast as I can. That’s the most fun way to play 2D Mario to me, stopping my forward motion to look for secrets just isn’t something I’m really into. Thankfully, 100% completion and fast-paced platforming aren’t mutually exclusive in Mario’s first mobile outing. It’s impressive how Nintendo’s designers have managed to cram clever and varied optional challenged into the confines of an auto-runner, and watching Mario vault over enemies and do a turn after every walljump is an absolute joy; he hasn’t felt this acrobatic since Mario 64. Super Mario Run is proof that control or hardware limitations can sometimes open up completely new gameplay possibilities, and I think it’s something future 2D Mario games can definitely draw from.

7. Titanfall 2

Why is this game so good?? I don’t think anyone really saw it coming. I have a lot of fundamental issues with military-style shooters (two-weapon limits, a lot of weapons fulfilling the same purpose, emphasis on hit scan enemies, regenerating health, sprinting meaning I can’t shoot while I’m moving at top speed), and while Titanfall 2 has basically all of those same trappings, it adds enough on top of the formula to somehow make it work. You have a staggering amount of movement options, most of which allow you to stay on the offense while traversing at high speeds, and the expansive environments mean you can approach any combat situation as you please without being forced into cover very much. So many times I would let off shotgun blasts while sliding along the ground or detonate C4 charges in mid-air, and the mechanics are so insanely polished and versatile that they wouldn’t feel out of place in a Platinum game.

I also think that the idea of Titans is such a smart addition to the formula that I’m surprised other shooters haven’t come up with it before. It injects gameplay variety and means the player has to be competent at two completely different styles of movement and shooting, which also intertwine in logical and cool ways (lots of opportunities to switch between Pilot and Titan gameplay on the fly). I love that you can change between so many completely different Titan loudouts at any time (not having all of them unlocked from the start for New Game+ or something of the sort is a huge missed opportunity), and they’re also an amazing way to have boss fights in this style of shooter. That also ties into how well the game expands on this idea for its story, every opponent you face throughout the adventure has their own personality and mechanics to come to grips with, and the bond between you and BT feels tangible. It’s unbelievable how this game was sent out to die by EA, they really didn’t know what they had.

6. Doom

This game is so insanely talked about that I struggle to add anything to the conversation, so just trust me when I say it’s good. I love how smartly it bucks a lot of recent FPS trends with its movement and health mechanics, with how every weapon feels like a meaningful part of the adventure and enemies don’t use hit scan, rewarding constant movement and awareness of your surroundings (which reminds me a lot of Metroid Prime somehow?). Every part of your arsenal has some limitation on how often you can use it, and later stages of the game especially become all about planning ahead and thinking constantly about when and where to use different abilities.

Glory Kills especially are such a fantastic mechanic and accomplish so many different things, and I love how your position/camera angle relative to the enemy affects the animation you’re going to get. Small thing, but too often I would trigger a Glory Kill only to watch Doomguy turn a demon into mush with a single half-hearted punch, I know they were made shorter after some feedback, but I actually prefer what they used to be like I think. The level design is very wide and vertical and encourages exploration, but that is sadly mostly limited to optional secrets; you can crit path your way through Doom very easily, the main story doesn’t require you backtrack and learn the layout of a map like the original two games or 64 did. That’s probably my main gripe with the game, but it’s still an absolute blast and something everyone has to play.

5. Inside

The only thing I really want to say and praise about Inside is that it’s a game that is not afraid to be completely and utterly disgusting in its imagery, but also paces itself and builds suspense so well that it never feels like shock value. Inside really delivers on the curiosity it creates inside the player’s mind from the word “go!”, and it feels so confident in its execution that it makes Limbo look quaint in comparison. The move to 3D visuals really elevates the experience in ways you wouldn’t expect. I honestly just don’t want to spoil anything, just go and play it.

4. The Last Guardian

I said everything there is to say about The Last Guardian in my recent post on it. All I can say now is that I hope the fact it trumps so many excellent games on this list is what’s going to give you all the urge to play it.

3. Star Fox Zero

I’m not fucking sorry.

I know I look like a crazy person, but hear me out, I’m even going to start with the bad if that makes you happy. I think rebooting the Star Fox story was very much necessary with how every attempt to move it forward has resulted in.. well, you know. The fact that it is the Lylat Wars again and that Andross is the villain really isn’t an issue to me, it’s more that this game really had the potential to elevate the story telling in the series to the standard of something like The Wonderful 101. I’m not sure if Miyamoto would’ve focused his efforts on that front if he had been given more time (I doubt it) and it still makes me yearn for a Star Fox game directed by someone like Hideki Kamiya.

This directly ties into the game’s other big shortcoming: it could REALLY use more levels. I think the length that is here is perfectly fine for a Star Fox game, my issue is rather that it never seems to be able to fully spread its wings and unleash the complete potential of its gameplay. With the Wii U suffering a less than peaceful death, I doubt we will get another attempt at this, and I have to say that if we ever get another Star Fox game, I’m really going to miss these controls.

Yeah, you heard me. I LOVE Star Fox Zero’s controls.

Just the ability to aim independently from your ship’s movement affords you a degree of control and precision that just hasn’t existed in the series thus far. You can draw comparisons to games like Kid Icarus Uprising and Sin and Punishment 2, but what makes Star Fox an interesting case is how your ship always moves forward; these other games use a setup where you move your character across the screen while the camera shifts and pans dynamically to capture different sensations of movement. In Star Fox Zero, the camera is always (mostly) behind you and you’re always in danger of being hit by whatever is in front of you. The idea that I can now aim anywhere no matter where I am on the screen gives you so much more freedom in how you position yourself and approach any given situation, and that’s what makes it such a great addition.

This all also means that there is another layer of skill involved with aiming that you don’t get in other games. For example, certain targets are harder or easier to hit depending on your Arwing’s vertical position on the field, and the fact you’re moving forward constantly means you have a limited window in which you can even attempt a shot. What you can now do is morph into the chicken walker (which halts your forward motion), use the thrusters adjust your elevation and hit your target. The game is full of little tricks like that and I haven’t seen much else like this in other shooters of this nature.

The dual-screen aspect of the controls is such a cool and interesting idea that I would love to see expanded upon in future titles, because it’s clear that it sadly never unleashes its full potential here. It still really elevates the experience though, mostly during All-Range mode where it perfectly intertwines with another new mechanic: Target View.

Holding ZL will make the camera pull back and center on an enemy, giving you a much better view of your surroundings than was previously possible in past Star Fox games. The reason this could be implemented here IS the second screen: if you put Target View in Star Fox 64 with the exact same controls as before, it wouldn’t be of much use since you a.) can only shoot at what is directly in front of you and b.) YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE WHAT’S IN FRONT OF YOU SINCE YOU DON’T HAVE A SECOND SCREEN. This addition makes Star Wolf especially so much more fun to fight since you can constantly stay on the offensive and react to your enemy’s movements immediately, frantically shifting back and forth between both screens. A lot of bosses will also use attacks that would be impossible to dodge without something like Target View, which makes them much more varied and interesting than bosses in previous Star Fox games.

I love how you can basically pick a flight path on the TV, then shoot from the gamepad to go on a sort of bombing run. I love how the gamepad expands the field of view, letting you shoot targets you’ve already passed by and creating opportunities for hidden targets in most stages.

By far the cutest thing about the controls is how the right stick is used to manipulate your Arwing’s movement. Tilting the stick left or right will make the Arwing gradually bank in that direction, giving it a quick rattle results in a barrel roll – it just feels so tactile and *right*. That’s especially true when you use it in conjunction with the left stick to adjust your turning speed (I do wish you could turn off the Somersault and U-Turn stick commands and just use the B and X buttons) or smoothly go into a boost or pull the break by pushing the right stick up or down, which also just feels right.

There’s more I could ramble on about, but this whole thing is way too long already and I mostly just wanted to address the main sticking points everyone’s been up in arms about with Star Fox Zero. Everything else is mostly the Star Fox you and love: frantic, fast-paced action with a satisfying learning curve and plenty of incentives to keep playing after the credits roll. The Wii U and maybe even this series might have died an unsavory death, but I’m glad I still got to experience Nintendo and Platinum to take on one of my most dear and beloved franchises in such a bold and innovative and exciting way.

2. AM2R

By far the best Metroid game since Zero Mission (maybe even better than that? I need to replay Zero Mission and Super) and in fact so good that I really don’t give a shit it’s not made by Nintendo. A few rapid-fire points:

Biggest and most varied array of bosses out of any 2D Metroid game.

Expansive, vertical areas with tons of different layers and great shifts in pacing and progression.

Controls like BUTTER.

Unlocking areas in chunks makes it a bit more linear than I would like, but there are still plenty of opportunities to get lost, do things in different orders, explore and sequence break.

More to that point, I think the idea of hunting down Metroids and unlocking chunks of world in set intervals makes for a slightly different and very enjoyable pacing compared to most Metroid games.

The visuals aren’t an exact copy of either Super Metroid’s or Zero Mission’s art styles, instead they try to adhere to and recreate the GameBoy original in a 16-Bit style. A lot of the tiles and surfaces have a rougher, flatter look to them than what you’re used to in these other games, and combined with the way color and space are used, it creates a style that is completely unique and extremely faithful to the original game.

I don’t want to get too upset about Nintendo taking this game down and denying it any sort of recognition, it’s their IP and they can do what they want with it. I personally just have to question if this was really the best way to handle the situation, and it’s sad to see such a phenomenal game be dragged out of the limelight. Coupled with Metroid as a franchise being basically dormant at this point, it’s an unfortunate state of affairs all around. None of this can diminish the quality and the value of what’s here though, and I urge everyone to give AM2R a try.

1. Dragon Quest Builders

I think… a discussion as to whether or not it’s alright to praise Dragon Quest Builders as much as I have and will continue to do when it rips off another game as much as it does is absolutely worth having… but this is not the time and place for that right now, because right now I have to gush over this beautiful, jolly, wondrous game.

Dragon Quest Builders has given me a sense of adventure and wonder unlike any game I’ve played this year. As someone who hasn’t played a lot of Dragon Quest, what always drew me to the series is how it radiates joy and manages make things that could be seen as menial or pedestrian in other games feel exciting and meaningful and sincere. All of that is true in spades for Builders, I just have to watch the CGI intro every time I boot up the game because just seeing that stubby little anime boy flash a cheeky grin or take a bite out of an apple puts a smile on my face.

Dragon Quest Builders takes everything that makes Minecraft great (building stuff and complete freedom in how you do it, a world that has a sense of vastness and randomness and mystery) and adds structure and characters with unique personalities and desires into the mix. I love that everything I build has a distinct purpose: this is my smithy, this is my Inn, this is that person’s bedroom. What’s brilliant is that while the story doesn’t take place entirely in your head like it does in Minecraft, you not only still have the potential to bring in your own creativity, you’re very much encouraged to do so.

What I mean is this: even though I don’t technically have to, I feel much more inclined to decorate a private bedroom according to the owner’s personality than I normally would be if I were just building it for myself. The game never asked me to put a cute little table in Pippa’s room, I just thought it would suit her. This gets to the point where you design your entire town with its residents in mind, and it’s an element that is sorely lacking from other building-type games.

The game is very smartly designed in that it frequently shifts between vastly different tasks that not only satisfy a lot of different urges, but also take great advantage of the existing mechanics. Often, you’re simply asked to raise the level of your town by building whatever you desire in it, and I had the bar well maxed out halfway through the first chapter (every chapter is its own story and long enough to be a full game). Sometimes, the game will give you rough outlines, saying that the structure you’re about to build must meet certain conditions (this many tables, this many chests, a window, etc.), but besides those you’re given free reign in how to approach your creations. Other times, you’re handed exact blueprints telling you what to build, the challenge being more about gathering the necessary materials, which results in frequent and satisfying bouts of exploration.

These portions of Dragon Quest Builders aren’t all that special on the surface, there isn’t much to combat, and yet the fact that I can dig into the world at any point, how huge and imposing everything feels, how varied and fun the enemies are, how resources are limited and that you need to pay attention to hunger and health at all times… it creates such a great sense of adventure that makes me yearn even more for Breath of the Wild than I already am. I love the sense of immediacy you get from finding little caves and dungeons, how every treasure you find feels real and earned (the fact that the game doesn’t shove a mini cutscene down my throat every time I open a chest and presents its spoils at face value is something I really appreciate) and just how idyllic it feels to mine the earth and  gather resources as you watch the sun go up and down, its reflection drifting softly along the calm water.

It’s also incredibly refreshing to see Dragon Quest Builders making crafty changes to Minecraft’s formula when necessary: placing blocks below and above you is so much easier thanks to the use of the shoulder buttons, you can smoothly draw entire lines of walls without any hassle, and I love how you can essentially upgrade the materials of any structure you’ve already built after the fact (you can craft an item that lets you change a wooden wall into a brick one, for example).

This game is simply incredibly, and I really urge anyone to try it, even if it doesn’t look like your kind of thing initially. It wasn’t on my radar at all before, and yet here I am, proudly declaring it as my favorite game of 2016.