#my friends are very much working class and having a high needs 10 year old was difficult on their budget

[sabrielandorangejuice]

For around 6 months when I lived with my friend, and about a year before that, she had a foster child. I can day from personal experience that the Australian foster system could not be more perfectly designed to traumatise children and carers if it tried.

Some context on Australia: from the foundation of the country until the 1960s or 70s it was government policy to take indigenous children from their parents and place them either with White Christian foster parents (if they had fair skin and could ‘assimilate’) or in Christian boarding schools (if they couldn’t pass them off as white). This was called the Stolen Generation and caused a lot of Inter generational trauma as you can imagine. I moved here in 2009 so I don’t know exactly when this started, but I think ~2000 the country/govt started caring very much about Reconciliation, except they care more about looking like Being Seen To Make Amends than actually making anything better.

Some context about my friend: She’s white, she’s the oldest of 6 kids, she’s a teacher. She’s always had an interest in helping disadvantaged kids: those with disabilities, those with behaviour problems. She’s taken courses about how to deal with and help these kinds of children specifically. Her husband is less formally educated but similarly nurturing and has worked in childcare his entire adult life. They were young (mid-20s) and didn’t have kids of their own yet but were otherwise perfectly suited to being foster parents.

The kid that they fostered was a friend of my friends younger brother (15 years between my friend and the kid). The kids parents were separated, and both suffered from the kinds of problems that often affect those in poverty and are very difficult to overcome: addiction, difficulty holding down a job, etc. The kid was living with his dad, who was also a friend of my friends family. The kid was also half-aboriginal.

When the kid was removed from his father he was initially placed in emergency care with my friends parents (and the 3 of her siblings still at home). They weren’t able to keep him long term, but everyone involved agreed it was best to keep him in a kinship placement: aka with people he already knows and trusts. That’s why my friend and her husband stepped up to take him.

They went through the process of becoming registered carers, made easier by the fact that they both already had blue cards (working with children licence). The kid was placed with them and they were told that although kinship placements are best, they had to make sure they were supporting his indigenous heritage and keeping him connected with his culture. My friend agreed, of course that was important, of course they wanted to do that.

I don’t know exactly what happened before I moved in with them, the proper order of events, but I do know this:

This was a 10 year old boy who had been taken from his parents for the second time in his short life. He didn’t have many positive role models. Of course he had behaviour issues. Of course he didn’t trust the new situation, even if he did know his carers this time. My friends were patient with him, they assured him that they wanted to do everything they could to help him, that they loved him. That for as long as he lived with them he was as much a part of their family as my friends parents, her husband, her siblings. It was slow, but they made progress with him.

I know that my friend and her husband let the kid choose what to call them; whether that was mum and dad, auntie and uncle, or just their names. After a while he chose to call them mum and dad. I know that they took him to a youth group for indigenous boys, run by indigenous adults, once a week. I know they wanted to do more, and asked child services for help, to connect them with more people or services, but they never heard back.

Around a month before I moved in with them, the whole family: my friend and her husband, her parents, all her siblings, went on a trip to the neighbouring state for a family wedding. When they started planning the trip, months in advance, they told the kid: we want you to come with us but your mum and dad and child services have to agree. Both the kids parents were fine with it, and told child services that, and child services didn’t raise any concerns, but they also didn’t approve it. “We’re just processing the paperwork” his case worker said, “there shouldn’t be any problems, we’ll get it approved before you go don’t worry”. So my friends told the kid that.

Time went on, child services started saying things like “what are you doing to support his indigenous heritage. You should be doing more to make sure he stays connected to his culture”. They still didn’t give my friend any help with doing that. The holiday still wasn’t approved, or denied. They kept asking and kept being told they were processing it. The kid was so excited about this holiday he was going to go on with his new family!

Im sure you can guess where this is going. 2 or 3 weeks before the trip child services said “you can’t take him out of state. He has to stay close to his family”. It didn’t matter that both his parents had agreed to the trip. It didn’t matter that everything was booked, that my friends were going to the family wedding regardless. It didn’t matter that they had no one to look after him while they were gone, and it was so short notice that they’d struggle to find someone. It didn’t matter that they’d taken so long to decide, and misled them that it would be approved the whole time, that the kid fully believed he would be going on the trip. My friends said he was part of the family! Of course he was going on the family trip! None of that mattered. He couldn’t leave the state.

Now at this point I knew that I’d be moving in with my friend and her husband and the kid just a few weeks after they got back. To do so legally I also needed a blue card, and I needed to submit the details to child services. That’s the law, anyone living in the same house as a child services kid has to do it. So I was in the process of that while the holiday drama happened.

What did they do with the kid while the whole family was away? They placed him with a relative of his mothers. In a house full of people without blue cards. A house full of generationally traumatised people with poor coping mechanisms. When everyone was home he said that they hit him, and the kids father said he knows at least some of the people in the house were drug users. But child services did t care because they were relatives, and more importantly they were aboriginal relatives.

At this point I moved in with them, and so I know all the details. My friend’s family had already been supporting the kids dad to overcome his struggles (things a decent child services should do). After the holiday they realised it was unlikely child services would let my friend keep the kid long term, and that the best place for him to go would be back to his father. So they started helping the dad even more, supporting him in his self-advocacy to child services and supporting him as he sought legal counsel.

I know that child services started getting more aggressive and combative with my friend. I know that it’s because she always advocated for what was actually best for the kid, instead of just shutting up and doing as she was told. The kids case worker came over once every week or two to check up on him. They were supposed to spend a little time with my friend discussing how he’d been, and a lot of time with the kid himself. Asking for his perspective on how things were going and if there was anything he needed. On at least one occasion (but i think more like 2 or 3) I know that instead they sprung a surprise meeting on my friend where they would berate her for not doing things their way, and they wouldn’t speak to the kid at all.

Most damningly I know that the kids trust in my friends was completely broken. I can understand why, they promised he was part of their family, and as the ultimate sign of that he was going on their family trip. Except suddenly 2 weeks before it happens he’s suddenly not going, and instead he has to spend the time alone with extended family he barely knows. I don’t know if he’d even met them before that. And he’s a traumatised 10 year old, he doesn’t know that it wasn’t my friends fault, he just knows that they lied to him.

All the trust they’d gained and all the progress they’d made with his behaviour disappeared instantly, and his behaviour just got worse the entire time I lived with him. At the time I nearly hated him. The only other kids I knew were my friends younger siblings who’d grown up in a supportive loving environment and were accordingly so much nicer. It was just a bad coincidence but the more I got to know him the more abusive he got to. Not usually to me, but to my friends, to his friends, to my cat. My friend and I both had cats, but mine was much younger and more fun to play with, which also meant more vulnerable to the kids ire. Our time living with my friend overlapped for about 6 months and for the last month of it my cat stayed with other friends for his own safety. By the end he would try to hurt either my friends or himself at least once a day and would have to be physically restrained.

When my friends first took the kid in there was talk of keeping him with them until he was 18, possibly even adopting him if they could. When it became clear child services wouldn’t let that happen they wanted to look after him for long enough that he could go back to his dad. Unfortunately though, the stress of dealing with both the kids worsening behaviour and the constant berating from child services, my friend got sick. They told child services they couldn’t look after him anymore, they were no longer the best place for him to be, and eventually they had to issue child services with an ultimatum because even with this they were dragging their feet. I don’t know anything about the next carers the kid ended up with, except that they were both aboriginal.

My friend spent a lot of days in the few months after the kid left bedridden with pain from the stress ulcers she’d developed. It took nearly two years for her to physically recover fully. The kid got a whole new load of trauma, lost a friend (remember this all started because he was friends with my friends brother), and lost a family that cared about both him and his biological parents.

And all because The System didn’t see a little boy in him, they saw a little aboriginal.

How do you think we can make the foster care system better?

Honestly, by making sure as few kids end up in it as possible.

Contrary to popular belief, physical abuse is not the most common reason that kids end up in foster care. Only 13% of kids taken into foster care are there because their parents physically abused them. The biggest reason that kids end up in foster care is actually neglect - neglect is the primary cause of 62% of foster care referrals.

When you look at those numbers, though, it's important to remember that "neglect" doesn't necessarily mean that parents withheld food and necessities from their children because they were careless or lazy or cruel - it often includes parents who desperately want to provide the necessities to their children, but can't afford to do so. Many jurisdictions don’t really make a distinction between kids whose parents purposely starved them and kids whose working parent left them home alone because she couldn’t afford daycare - that makes it hard to really know what we’re dealing with here. 

And you might be surprised to learn what child protective services considers to be "necessary" for children. In most parts of Canada, for instance, it is legally required that children over the age of 5 not share a bedroom with opposite-sex siblings. Having six-year-old fraternal twins share a bedroom would be categorized as neglect; technically, the parent is failing to provide the children with adequate housing. But of course, the genders of your children don't influence how much money you get from your employer or from public assistance. In my area, a mother with a boy and a girl is legally required to rent a larger apartment for her family than a mother with two boys - but it's up to her to find the money to afford that. Partitioning one room or co-sleeping with the children is not allowed, and is also considered neglect. It might sound ridiculous, but I have worked with multiple families that have faced the potential removal of their children because of this, even if family co-sleeping is the norm in their culture.

1 in 10 children in the US foster care system are there at least partially because their parents don’t have adequate housing. Keep in mind, there are 424,000 children in the US foster care system on an average day - that means that housing was a major factor for more than 42,000 of them. Before we can truly reform the system, we need to understand what it is, exactly, that we’ve created - and what we’ve created is an incredibly expensive, inefficient and culturally insensitive system that is stretched so thin by the task of “solving child poverty” that it can’t do what it was actually designed to do, which is protecting abused children. Instead of a child protective system, we have an intergenerational meat grinder that effectively turns traumatized children into traumatized adults who create more traumatized children to go back into the system. Around and around we go. 

The question of how to “fix” foster care could be a doctoral thesis, and it’s a far bigger problem than any one person can solve. But my few cents as someone who has worked with at-risk and homeless youth for nearly a decade now would be:

Dramatically increase affordable housing. Trying to fix child homelessness with foster care is like trying to put out a grease fire with a sledgehammer - it’s not solving the problem, and it’s only causing more damage. Truly affordable housing would keep many families off CPS radar - if affordable housing was available, many victims of family violence would be better able to flee their violent partner with their children. Calls to CPS because families are living in cars or shelters would cease to exist. “Fixing housing” is easier said than done, but I don’t think we’ll ever solve foster care without also addressing this.

Decolonize child welfare standards. In most parts of the US and Canada, child welfare standards adhere closely to Western European parenting practices. Things that other cultures have been doing for generations - like co-sleeping - can land non-white families in trouble with CPS. And there are huge discrepancies in how child welfare standards are applied - wealthy white families can homeschool, deny their children medical treatment and co-sleep without CPS knocking on their doors, but Indigenous families cannot say the same. 

Create universal affordable childcare. Many families needlessly end up on CPS’s radar because their parents cannot afford childcare. Single working moms of colour have found themselves losing their children - or even facing prison time - after leaving their children unsupervised to work or attend job interviews. Compounding the issue is the fact that many working-class parents have shiftwork jobs, making it even harder to secure childcare.

Improve access to free and confidential family planning education and services. People who find themselves with unplanned pregnancies that they are not financially or emotionally ready for are at greater risk of ending up on CPS’s radar. When people are given access to family planning resources, they are better able to delay pregnancy until they feel more prepared. 

Improve wraparound supports and early intervention. Removing a child from a home is - and should always be - a last resort. CPS are often alerted to at-risk families before they reach the point where removal is required. To truly do their job of protecting children, CPS needs more resources to offer these families in order to help them stay together in a healthier way. Culturally sensitive in-home and community-based supports, including mental health supports, addictions supports, and material supports, should be immediately available to all families who are potentially at risk. 

Offer greater support for placements within families or communities of origin. Sometimes parents unfortunately just aren’t a healthy or safe option for their children. There are always going to be cases where that’s simply the reality of the situation. Many of these children, though, may have a family member who would be willing to take them in with the proper supports - which they can’t afford on their own. Offering more resources to family placements could help a lot of children stay within their families of origin instead of being sent to live with strangers. Likewise, many children from small communities - particularly Indigenous communities - end up being sent hundreds of miles away for foster care placements because the resources for them simply don’t exist in their communities. Ending this practice and committing to caring for children in their own community would help children grow up more connected to their roots and culture.

Decrease CPS worker caseloads. Many of the systemic issues with the foster care system stem, at least in part, from how abysmally and unbelievably overburdened the system is. There are too few workers and placements for far too many kids. In the US, the average CPS caseworker has 67 children on their caseload - in six states, the average is over 100. Nobody can provide adequate care to a caseload of 67 children, many of whom may have complicated cases. It’s just not possible. The workload contributes to the immense amounts of burnout and high turnover within child services - the average turnover rate (how many staff quit every year) for most agencies is 23-60%, with some agencies actually exceeding 90% annual turnover. We have a system of new, inexperienced workers burning out and passing on their enormous caseloads to newer, even less experienced workers and everyone is worse for it.

Provide more training, resources and support for foster parents. Many of the children entering foster care have complex trauma, as well as complex mental or physical health needs. Some areas do a better job of preparing foster parents for this reality than others - and everyone suffers when foster parents don’t have the resources and education that they need to meet children’s needs. 

Extend aftercare supports well into adulthood. Many youth make an abrupt exit from foster care - at some point between age 18-21 they suddenly “age out” of supports. Some areas do offer supports that extend into a youth’s early 20s, but many of these areas require youth to be full-time post-secondary students to continue receiving support - youth who aren’t able to take that step often have no support, despite perhaps needing it the most. Outcomes for former foster children are bleak; only around 55% finish high school (compared to 87% of their peers), and in Canada, as many as 90% are on welfare within 6 months of aging out of care. Realistically, as it becomes more difficult for young people to achieve financial independence, many of these kids may need support that extends well into their late 20s and beyond. 

This is just barely skimming the surface of what needs to change - there is so much that’s wrong, and I’ve barely touched on how to fix it. But when it comes to foster care, I really believe that an ounce of prevention is worth 100lbs of cure.

MM

[riotsux]

I know it's scary sometimes being trans in this world so here are some wonderful stories from my life (preface: I grew up in a large metropolitan area and went to an arts conservatory for high-school that housed IB, naval and neighborhood schools in the same building):

- one time in the breakfast line I was talking to a cis male friend (former "no homo" and "faggot" as an insult dude) about why I wanted to take testosterone and I mentioned my voice and he said "you sound like a dude now, like a 13 year old but still a dude"

- I once won a hairy leg competition against cis men pre testosterone

- once upon a time I was in a band and after a gig this twink came up to me and said "you know, we need more queers in metal" (I was wearing a "faggot" tank top)

- when I started testosterone, I asked the only older trans person I knew at the time to come with (a key holder at my job), it brought along a few friends and between the 4 of us, we all had only two hair colors (neon red and lime green), the nurse helping us all with our paperwork was very confused

- that same day my insurance was acting up and my clinic waived my fees completely for my first year of testosterone

- a girl my sister met in outpatient wasn't doing to well and being the only other trans person they knew at the time, asked me to write the girl a letter, we met again years later, she's an incredible drummer, and after a gig, I was waiting with a pedal board outside the lead singers car and she's hanging out her friends window pointing at me and yelling "this mother fucker saved my life!"

- when my own mother was working at a methadone clinic, she met this older trans woman, hoping to give me some guiding light, she connected us, she kept an eye on me for years

- the day after I came out publicly, during my freshman year of high-school, my brother's friend's (upper classmen) all clapped for me when I came into the lunchroom

- my senior year I was barely in class but one day this girl I had known for years stops me to tell me I was on her "top 10 hottest guys in the school" list

- in high-school whenever a boy was being unhygienic in the group (typically someone's boyfriend) I would be used as an example for how he should be (ex. Putting on chapstick properly)

All I'm saying is there's kindness out there for us, amidst the violence there is so much love there, there's humor to be shared when others are comfortable with us.

I know I'm privileged to have grown up surrounded by queer people and to have been so accepted but

It's all here, I promise, and I promise you can find it

If you can't find it at the moment, make it

[ryxiez]

Rekindled Flame.ೃ࿐

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genera ➛ angst -> fluff

paring ➛ idol!keeho x reader

word count ➛ 2.1k

warnings ➛ drinking {y/n is of age}, misunderstandings, both y/n and keeho are very mature, talk of both high school and college, possible smut in part 2.

A/N: i wanna write more for p1h especially after seeing their amazing concert! pls leave suggestions <333

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It has been 10 years since you last saw his face. For 10 whole years, you have been left wondering if you could have been anything more.

Well, that wasn't entirely true. You've seen his face on your FYP from time to time while scrolling through your favorite social media apps. Its like your phone loved to torture you.

However, you couldn't bear to stare for longer than a minute. You couldn't let those feelings you once shared come back.

Keeho left you. He left you with nothing more than a letter in the mail.

Dear Y/N,

I hope this letter finds you well. I’ve been struggling to find the right words, but I know it’s time to be honest about what’s been weighing on my heart.

You’ve been my rock, my confidante, and my best friend. The time we’ve spent together has been nothing short of incredible, filled with memories that I will cherish forever. But as much as it pains me to say this, I have to be truthful about the future.

You know a bit about how much I’ve always dreamed of pursuing a job in the music industry, and now that opportunity has finally come. Moving to Korea is a chance to follow my dreams, connect with my past, and grow in ways I’ve always hoped for. It’s an opportunity I can’t pass up, but it’s also one that takes me far away from you.

This decision hasn’t been easy. I’ve spent countless nights thinking about us and what this move means for our relationship. The distance, the time apart—it’s something I’m not sure we can overcome without causing each other more pain and heartache. We both deserve to be happy and to fully embrace our futures, even if that means being apart.

You have been such a significant part of my life, and I will always be grateful for the love and support you’ve given me. I hope you understand that this decision is not about us lacking love or commitment, but about me needing to take this step for myself.

I believe that both of us deserve the chance to pursue our dreams and live our lives to the fullest. I hope that, in time, you can see this as a new beginning for both of us rather than an end.

I wish you all the happiness and success in the world. You are an amazing person, and I know you will go on to do incredible things. Thank you for everything you’ve brought into my life and for the memories we’ve made together.

Please take care of yourself, and remember that you will always have a special place in my heart.

With all my love,

Stephen

The words were still burned in your memory; you read the letter for weeks on end. You tried to contact him in every way possible, but your messages never seemed to be delivered, let alone even read.

That was until you realized you spent your entire summer before college sulking over a man who left you on a whim, the same man who you thought was going to be your high school sweetheart for the rest of eternity. You knew you shouldn't have let your hopes for the relationship develop as far as they did.

From then on, you decided to grow up and leave men—more like boys—in the past. You focused on your studies, climbed higher and higher in your line of work, and created a stable life for yourself and, of course, your pets.

However, it all seemed to feel like it was all crumbling down when you got a message from a very old group chat after you sat down to watch your favorite show.

"Class of ----, 10 year reunion!"

Of course, the thought of him was the first to come to mind.

Oh, how you wish you had outgrown the teenage heartbreak. It seems only a few things ever change.

There were plenty of random numbers in the chat, but in the back of your mind, you hoped that one of them might be his.

Days passed, and time drew closer to the large reunion. The world had seemed to slow down as your mind was clouded with too many conflicting emotions to even count.

You didn't know what to wear. You didn't know what to say. You didn't know what to do because, god forbid, Keeho actually showed up to this event. For all you knew, he was still in Korea, living out his idol dreams. It left a bitter taste in your mouth.

As the night on the fated day rolled around, you made your way to the bar your former classmates rented out for the night. Let's just say you guys raised a lot of money back then.

Your dress was black and fitted. It had off the shoulder straps with a slit on the right side showing off your admirable figure (you all are beautiful <3).

Squeals filled the large open area as you walked through the door. Old faces surrounded you as you all shared laughs and smiles together.

On the other hand, you noticed your own eyes straying from those of your old friends. You were searching for somebody.

A small sigh left your lips when you didn't see his face. Was it disappointment? Was it relief? You didn't even know yourself. What you did know was that you needed some drinks while catching up with the girls.

The night went on; it was almost, if not past midnight. You shared laughs, smiles, and even tears while listening to everyone and their stories. Oh, how you would love it if your life were ever that interesting.

That's when you heard someone behind you.

"Y/N?" it said.

You froze in place.

You recognized the voice. Maybe it was just your imagination. Maybe if you ignore it, it will go away.

So you continued to listen to the girls talk, but you soon realized they all stopped to stare at whatever was behind you.

"Y/N, please."

You stood straight up, gathering your belongings while getting ready to walk right out the door. You weren't ready for this. Not yet. But how many more years did you need?

A firm hand grabbed your arm and stopped you from walking any further. You froze yet again, and the hand slowly turned you around.

You were now face-to-face with nobody other than the man himself, Keeho.

His hair was a deep black, just as you always remembered it. His outfit was all black, coincidentally matching your own. A pair of glasses rested on his nose, complimenting his features nicely. But his eyes? They looked concerned.

You could've sworn you noticed a little blush appear on his face after he noticed you checking him out up and down.

You felt like melting into a puddle on the floor right then and there, but not because of the butterflies in your stomach, but because of embarrassment.

"Please, let's just talk." He pleaded yet again.

You were not having any of it. You could feel the anger bubble up inside of you, but you did not want to do anything you would regret, at least not yet. The alcohol in your body may make you think differently later.

"Talk about what, Keeho?" You made sure the venom leaked from your teeth when you spoke his name.

He flinched. "About us, Y/N. I've missed you so much."

"There is no US," you spat before thinking, "We haven't been together for 10 years, and this is how you say hello?"

Keeho's eyes widened. "Wha-what do you mean?" he stuttered in disbelief.

You couldn't help but laugh. There is no way this man is standing here acting like the victim in this situation.

"Why are you laughing?!" He cried out despritley. Everyone in the whole bar was easily staring at you both now.

You're not a monster. You could see the hurt and betrayal in his eyes. You knew something wasn't right, and you knew you needed to listen to him talk.

"Okay, I'm sorry," you said in a hushed voice, trying to calm the man down in front of you with a deep breath of your own. "Let's talk, but not here; come on." You grabbed his sleeve, pulling him out of the bar.

You didn't bear your farewells. That was the least important thing on your mind in this moment. You were focused on getting the truth. What exactly did Keeho mean?

Rain came down suddenly as a flash of light flew through the sky.

'Just great,' you thought.

"Y/N..." Keeho whispered from behind.

You stopped tugging on this jacket to turn around. Unexpectedly, you were met with sad and pleading eyes. Ones that threatened to spill with tears as the rain rolled down his face—his goddamn pretty face.

"Kee..' the nickname slid off your tongue just like it did many years ago. 'I promise to listen, and I'm sorry I was irrational. Let's get back to my place and we can talk, okay?"

All he could do was nod before taking your hand in his and taking you to his car. He knew you were too tipsy to drive safely yourself, but you couldn't help the faint blush that appeared on your face at the contact.

The car ride was silent. His eyes seemed lazzer focused on the road while you couldn't help but steal glances his way every other second.

You mumbled a few directions to your house. Your head was pounding, whether from the few drinks or the fact that so much had happened all at once.

The last thing you expected was to be in Keeho's car while he drove you back to your place. But wasn't this what you wished for deep down?

The breaks slightly screeched to a stop as he pulled into your driveway.

"Wait," he said before jumping out of the car to open the door for you.

He grabbed your hand as he helped you out of the low car.

"Still a gentleman, I see."

He chuckled a little. but his mind still seemed to be elsewhere.

As you unlocked the door and let both of you in, he immediately led you to the couch. Sitting you down, Keeho then ventured to go find you a glass of water.

Handing you the cup, he spoke, "Y/N, where have you been?" He paused. You were taken aback. "I've tried contacting you a countless number of times, and all I've gotten was radio silence. I didn't even expect you to still be in our old town."

You took his words in, and they hit you hard. However, you knew you had to be mature about the situation and talk out whatever misunderstanding you had.

"Keeho, I haven't heard a thing from you since the day you randomly up and left." You spoke after taking a sip from the glass of water. You tried to gather your thoughts to the best of your ability.

"I know it was sudden, and I still regret leaving so quickly. I just don't understand how you've heard nothing from me this whole time." He paused to think. "I've tried to call, text, and even write letters; I swear Y/N. I just don't understa-" He cut himself off.

You could tell something clicked inside his mind once his hands clutched together and his eyes became glossy.

"What is it, Kee? I don't understand this whole thing either." You said softly as you reached out to hold his tense hands.

"I-I don't know for certain... I think my company is behind all of this. It explains why they had me get a brand new phone and phone number. They also asked a lot about my romantic life and your basic information. Oh my god, I bet they probably blocked your number in my phone before I even got it." He looked up from his spot on the floor as he was taking everything in himself, his eyes making contact with yours. "I am so sorry, Y/N. I-I never meant for any of this to happen I-"

"It's okay." You cut him off.

You couldn't believe what you were saying. How could this be okay? This man has left you basically broken and helpless for a decade, and in less than an hour you already forgave him.

On the other hand, you could tell he was hurting the same as you.

"No, no," He felt conflicted, "I have to make it up to you. I've missed you so much, and I hope you've missed me too. Please let me show you how much I still love you."

≫ ──── ≪•◦ to be continued ◦•≫ ──── ≪

[slytherinshua]

idk if this counts as a soft thought but ... imagine a dk who used to be short when he was like 12 and used to be really nice to you then when you graduated from elementary school he vaguely told you he liked you and you went :0

and then fast fwd 4 years later, you're going to the same high school as him and he says hi and ure like shit. he grew taller. tanner, his voice is deeper (you'd always thought it'd already broken in elementary sch but turns out it didn't)

just 🫠🫠 childhood friends to lovers dk !!

first of all ty for sending smth in kimchi cause istg i was dying earlier like my tumblr is so DRY and ur the only person who indulged my boredom yayay!! also this is LITERALLY making my head spin like crazy cause just think abt it skjdks

warnings: fem!reader. mention of seokmin getting bullied both in elementary and middle school, and he gets taller, tanner, hotter, and has straighter teeth and a deeper voice by the time he's in high school. not proofread and written on tumblr which i never do so it might be ATROCIOUS but its soft thoughts anyway so it doesn't have to be perfect <3

wc: ~1.1k.

ofc you loved to spend time with seokmin when you were in elementary— like you two were practically inseparable. and you first met him when you saw him getting bullied by some jerks in the same year as you. ofc you told them to go away (might've punched one of them just to get your point across, but you and seokmin swore that you would never speak of that detail again). they were so scared of you after you threw the punch that it actually worked and they never bothered him again. and little seokmin was practically in awe of you since that very moment and ofc he develops a small large crush on you </3

but you two end up getting cruelly separated when seokmin tells you that because of the need to move for his parents' work, he's going to be put an all-boys middle school while you're still going to the regular mixed one that most of the kids from that same elementary were going to. during your middle school years, seokmin doesn't cross your mind a lot. it's only when you get a confession from a boy in your class that you're reminded of him and that last day of 5th grade.

you could’ve sworn you heard the words “I like you” fall from his lips except it was so quiet and murmured that you’re not quite sure if it actually happened or if your brain wanted it to so bad that you hallucinated it into existence. and since you're not positive that he did actually confess to you (or that he would still hold the same feelings he did at 10 as a 15 year old), you don't hope for anything else concerning seokmin. much to your 10 year old self's disappointment, because of course you had already imagined a whole life together with your best friend. you don't remember it having any distinction as to whether seokmin was still your best friend or if he was your boyfriend, but it didn't matter to you as long as he was still in your life.

but the first day at your new high school you realize that you’re so fucking screwed it’s not even funny. because as you’re looking at the list of students and what class their first period is you recognize a very familiar name and your brain practically goes blank.

lee seokmin.

and god damnit he has science as his first period just like you. so as you walk into the class you’re frantic to scan the room for any short boy with milky skin, crooked teeth, and a high pitched slightly squeaky voice that you absolutely adored at the age of 10. but he’s not there; well, at least, not fitting that description of him that you remember.

the boy who you quickly see waving excitedly to you is in fact the lee seokmin— you can tell from his name tag— but god had he changed. he had grown at least 20 cm from the last time you saw him because even sitting in his desk he looked lanky. not only his height had changed, but he had also gotten tanner. and he must’ve had braces at some point in middle school because his teeth looked straighter. and his voice. god his voice alone had your heart racing. you could’ve sworn it had deepened two octaves at least.

and it was hot.

the boy who you could only label as your adorable, nerdy, loser best friend who cowered behind you in the face of bullies was hot.

this turn of events rendered him almost unrecognizable. and you were sure you wouldn’t have been able to recognize him if it weren’t for his smile, which was as bright and beautiful as always, with or without the crooked teeth.

and maybe it was that smile that made you just a little relieved that he hadn't changed as much as his appearance had. so you gathered some confidence and walked over to the desk he was sitting in and slid into the seat next to him. you returned his 'hi' that he had shot you from across the room, and as soon as you did, you were practically tackled in a hug.

and it felt the same as his old hugs, which was a relief to your mind but not to your heart, which doubled its speed at least. before your class started, you somehow managed to get up to speed with all of seokmin's middle school years (you were so glad that he was still as talkative and unserious as you remember).

"you don't know how worried i was walking in 30 minutes ago. the school is so big and none of my old classmates go here— though maybe i should be thankful for that. but as soon as i saw your name on the student list, for some reason, i knew it would all be okay. you're here— you're actually here. so they can't touch me."

he said all of this with the biggest smile on his face and you were sure your eyes had actual hearts in them as you listened to him explain everything animatedly.

you and seokmin talked and talked and talked. he would walk you to your class just to keep the conversation going before the second bell rang and he had to race off to his next period on the other side of the building. but he didn't mind being late every time if it meant getting to hear you laugh for 3 minutes longer.

you were back to being best friends with seokmin, and neither of you could be happier. what was most relieving was how it all fit back into place without any struggle. as if seokmin was a puzzle piece that had been temporarily dropped on the floor and had just been picked up again and put back where he belonged (by your side).

you never got the courage to ask seokmin about that last day of 5th grade until your 3rd year of high school together when you had gotten a little tired of seeing a certain classmate of yours which you despised talk so openly about her crush on seokmin— even in front of him and you. so even though your throat got all tangled up as you brought up the topic, you forced yourself to at least ask him the question.

"did you like me when we were younger?"

and his answer came so easily and naturally that you had to double-take.

"of course i did. wasn't it obvious?"

↳ svt taglist: @kangtaehyunzzz,, @eternalgyu,, @ddeonudepressions,, @hannahsophie0103,, @minholing,, @shuabby1994,, @icyminghao,, @98-0603,, @weird-bookworm,, @candewlsy,, @wonwooz1,, @cyberpunksunwoo,, @haecien,, @amara-mars,, @okshu,, @parkjennykim,, @wootify,, @svtoose,, @seunghancore

[coffinup]

Hey! I’m currently in high school and thinking about going into funeral services. I’ve felt with grief for most of my life so I think I could get around it being mentally hard, but I also kind of despise math and have forgotten everything I learned about it this summer. Anything you think I should know about the industry?

I think your experience with grief will absolutely make you the right person for the job. The funeral profession always needs people who understand the struggle and can have true empathy.

So the math thing: there are some US states that require a four-year degree for mortuary science, and some (like mine) that split it up into a separate associates degree and secondary mortuary science diploma. Usually the four-year degrees are attained at universities, and the split/trade style degrees are attained at colleges, trade schools or community colleges. Several colleges have programs you can do hybrid/online as long as you can work at a funeral home. For both you’ll have to do college-level math courses for your gen-ed requirements. BUT something I did for my undergrad is I took a C.L.E.P test for college math so I didn’t have to take a class. CLEPS let you test out of a credit course, so I would look into that if you don’t want to do college math classes. There are study guides for them too. Aside from that, there isn’t much math in mortuary science that goes beyond basic algebra. I had to take an accounting class which required some money-related math, but that was the extent of it. There’s a formula in embalming called the primary dilution formula that is a very basic algebraic problem that’s super easy as long as you understand basic algebra concepts.

I’ll also say a couple things, since you are a young person that wants to go into it out of high school:

-Be prepared to deal with old fogeys that are set in their ways. There will be a lot of them, and the best strategy is to just accept what they try to teach you, and then make decisions based on what you think is best after that.

-Mortuary Science has one of the highest drop-out rates because of the graphic nature of it. About half of my class in the first anatomy course dropped out after we went for our autopsy examination. I think it’s probably stating the obvious that things can get gross, but if you aren’t squeamish and can express and tackle your feelings, you’ll be fine. You’ll be encountering human bodies in various stages of decay, various forms of injury and deformation, and see lots of results of disease. Just be prepared for that! And have an outlet like a trusted friend, therapist or journal where you can talk about your experiences, it’s important to not keep things bottled up!

-Funeral service rarely has an ideal work/life balance. Most funeral homes work on a “10/4” or “2 week” work schedule where you’ll work ten days in a row and get four days off. Some days you’ll work 6-8 hours, other days you might be there all day and night. Something to be prepared for. Larger firms and corporations tend to have more set/defined schedules.

I hope that helps! Good luck on your journey, and I truly wish you the best. Young people being interested in this profession always makes me happy, and I think you’ll do great things. Don’t be too discouraged by your perceived limitations, you NEVER know until you try! And the great thing about being at the age you are is you have ample time to try new things!

Best wishes :)

-Memento Mori

[terraliensvent]

https://www.tumblr.com/terraliensvent/762628974139637760/httpsdocsgooglecomdocumentd1hedsgxllpfwh2z

You know, as much as I very much dislike Gin/Shark and think that they seriously need to get the hell off of the internet, this whole document really just feels like you’re exposing a heavy conversation that was told to you in confidence. It also has absolutely nothing to do with Terraliens other than the screenshots at the start of the document (which have no relation to the main points being made in the body of the doc).

Yes, it’s a lot to unload onto a 16-year-old, but OP reached out to Gin/Shark first to ask them if they were okay. And then continued the conversation / showed no signs of asking Gin/Shark to stop or let them know they were uncomfortable with the topics at hand. Which would give Gin/Shark the impression that it was fine to vent to you. If you truly didn’t want them dumping all of those things onto you, you should’ve told them that! Or nicely let them know that they should be telling this to a professional and not you: a 16-year-old stranger on the internet.

Also, Gin/Shark is only 19 iirc. As someone who’s in their late 20s, you don’t just automatically mature and become a grown ass adult once you turn 18. Y’all are pretty close in age, so trying to pull the “uuuuuh uh I’m a minor they shouldn’t be talking to me about this” card doesn’t quite work here. You just look like an asshole “friend” for betraying their trust and publicly airing out all the dirty laundry of their relationship with Coy that they vented to you privately. I sincerely hope Gin/Shark doesn’t find out that you posted this online because this is the last thing they need if they really are going to get better mentally.

If you’re gonna make a Google doc exposing them for something, this isn’t it. This just looks shitty on both OP and the mod of this blog’s part for not thinking that through.

post related

in MY opinion, 16 and 19 is a weird gap to be dropping all your incredibly heavy baggage on, at worst this is like a high school sophomore talking to someone who graduated 2 years ago.

also i find it weird you say "OP reached out first," especially since the ORIGINAL screenshots in the doc (and assumedly the first of these "vent" convos) is them reaching out and saying "are you ok? do you wanna talk about it?" and civ immediately jumping to "i stopped taking my meds and im coping with alcohol." thats an insane leap to make. i also find it weird that veal had to manage the emotions of civ, checking their college schedule and making sure they do their morning routine and whatnot, and the spam in dms when they were in class and away for an hour. these are weird behaviors between two people of any age.

im also gonna add this reply i grabbed from the snugzi blog (who also posted the doc):

its weird youre putting responsibility on the younger person to manage the emotions of the older person while also saying "if they didnt want to talk they should have said so," instead of saying it was incredibly irresponsible of civ to traumadump onto them, and its THEIR responsibility as the older person to check themself.

and as an additional note, from this screen you can infer that civ would primarily talk to veal to vent. you can see a prior conversation form a week before where veal is reassuring them again. im not saying this is rock solid proof, but from this you can ASSUME that civ might have just been using veal as a vent dump. again, assume, so take it with a grain of salt.

my conclusion is that its not the responsibility of the younger person who is being traumadumped on to say "you should see a professional about this instead of a 16 year old on the internet!!" that should be the responsibility of the 19 year old who is dropping incredibly sensitive info on them and spamming them every 10 minutes when they dont respond for an hour. and thats not even mentioning the power dynamic possibility.

when a friendship causes one of the members to reach out to a completely anonymous blog saying "I don't know how to get out of this relationship now just realizing what the extent of their actions is, I don't know what to do and it's scaring the fuck out of me," maybe that's not really a good friendship

[diezmil10000]

2023 art summary + thoughts on my own art progress under the cut!!

(template by HedgeCatDragonix on deviantart)

so i've been doing this for 10 years :P

i'm not posting these pics in high quality, they're somewhere on the internet if you want to scavange for a bit. i didn't start taking art seriously until late 2015 and i honestly don't like looking back at old drawings. i still like my 2022 art summary but it wasn't until this year that i'm proud of all my finished artworks.

my art journey is complicated. i'm not one of those artists who can say they've been drawing for all their lifes. i used to trace pokémon in my school agendas but that was it. around 2013, a couple of friends invited me to their Skype server where we used to draw each other's ocs and make art memes and stuff - it was fun and cringe in the most positive way i can say it :] i didn't know shit about art and i took pride in drawing on MS Paint with a mouse just because it was hard.

(all of my drawings until may 2018 were made with a mouse)

when i was 15 yo i got into Love Live! and i decided to get better at art because i didn't want lesbian fanart to be made only by creepy cishet men. at some point i watched this video from Sycra and it rewired my brain. i understood that i needed to actually practise and understand what i was doing, and that i wasn't going to improve just by observing. its follow-up video also helped me a lot, i remember watching it on the day it was posted jskhfdjdfd.

and so fast forward until 2021 approx. i spent all of those years practising drawing in my traditional sketchbooks, so my improvement was steady. the only problem, and in retrospective i see it as a Big Problem, is that i was grinding mindlessly. by that i mean that i copied artists i liked and i drew again and again stuff i was bad at, but i didn't think too deeply about it or analysed my own art to look for faster ways to improve it. i also don't take feedback well so i didn't ask for it either, which further slowed down my progress.

on top of it, that just made me better at drawing, not at illustration. i firmly believe that a good drawing is hard to ruin but i could have made my illustrations way more interesting if i had started going wild with colors and effects way earlier. i don't exactly regret my choices because at the end of the day it's just my hobby, and i've been praised for drawing a lot and for challenging myself to practise drawing traditionally, so i want this to be read as introspection rather than complaints!!

the reason why 2021 was a big change in my art is because in november i did this monstrosity:

i got an Android tablet to be able to draw in class and took the challenge alongside my friend Nico, who also did their own Huevember. hola si estás leyendo esto Nico, aunque lo dudo :) i can't say that any of the drawings made me better at anatomy, or composition, or colors. i can't say that they solidified my knowledge, either. but they planted a seed in my brain that would fully bloom in late 2022, which is the seed of hating the finished result of some pieces so much that i forced myself to improve.

everyone has their own motivation to get better at art and i've always thought that mine was a healthy one (i want to draw more lesbians, that's all). however, i've had a very solid 2023 and now i don't cringe at any of my pieces, plus i can notice any mistakes they have without wanting to delete them from existence - and i could only get there because at the end of 2022 i told myself i wouldn't make any more ugly illustrations. like, period. i didn't want to get anxious every time i had to look back on my own art.

i also learned that no ammount of compliments from others would magically make me like a piece i see as mid at best. of course, i appreciate every single nice comment i get (genuinely, i get very happy knowing that other people love my work), but gratitude doesn't fix a skill issue.

so, late 2022, many things happened. first i got cancelled on twitter over a drawing of my beloved mizuki from project sekai (this info will be relevant later). then i spent a whole month doing this other monstrosity that is to this day the best thing i've ever done. i haven't peaked it (yet):

this comic actually made me improve and solidify my skills. it wasn't a class assignment, or a collaboration, or anything more than a headcanon i shared with a friend - it was pure brainrot over Revue Starlight and it made me put all my cunt into it. this was also the point at which i started filling in blacks with the bucket tool instead of picking a very dark color, which is a big part of my current style :3

the thing about people cancelling me is that i had to distance myself from fandoms and eventually change accunts, which also affected how i perceived my own art. even if i draw for myself, at the end of the day i still draw characters that are loved by many people, so i disabled comments and stopped interacting with other artists of my fandom circles. that led me to go on hiatus at the start of 2023, knowing that it was time for a fresh start (my art accounts were 5 years old anyway).

that period of time made me think a lot about my finished pieces. since i wouldn't post them until i had a new account, i would stare at them for longer than ever or make small changes even if days had already passed. letting my mind rest from illustrations i had been working on and knowing i could change them whenever i wanted was a big step forward.

i realised that for the past years i had been in a hurry to post my drawings as soon as i was done with them instead of appreciating them. that was a turning point for my mindset. this was also past the time i decided to stop making ugly art, but i hadn't really taken any measures to get better. so i changed the wording of the challenge: i can make ugly art but i can't post it if i don't like it.

it doesn't sound epic, but for some reason it worked. every time i was in the middle of making a drawing that looked kind of ugly, i changed it until it looked right. not perfect, but good enough to avoid cringing in the future. some times i had to redraw it from scratch with a more interesting pose. some times i needed to add a background or a graphic element to make the characters pop. and somewhere on that period, i went wild with colors and effects, and a lot of times that saved a piece that would otherwise be boring.

i have to thank Revolutionary Girl Utena and Revue Starlight for making me experiment a lot during my hiatus. both pieces of media, one being the daugher of the other, give artists so many visual metaphors and interesting topics to work with. the revstar brainrot had been there since the junnana comic, but rgu was something i had been meaning to rewatch for a couple of years and it hit me like a fucking train. it also made me create one of the comics i'm the most proud about:

then i got into homestuck and my art got. well. stuck!! >D< but it was okay because i wasn't making ugly drawings anymore. i was putting into practise a lot of things i had been learning or experimenting with, especially regarding colors and character interactions. and the yuri was delicious hmmmmmmm.

the rest of 2023 was very linear in terms of art but not so much in terms of fandoms (?). which is fine, honestly, but i was also glad to get back into Fire Emblem: Three Houses in late that year because when i first got into it in 2019 i didn't have the skill to draw everything i wanted to draw. and i still haven't drawn all the yuri scenarios that i've been cooking in my mind, but i have until forever to do it!!

so for 2024 i want to study some stuff i feel i'm still lacking in. i think i've always had a good eye for composition, but i've never actually pushed it in my finished illustrations - they depend a lot on the poses because i've always been prioritising drawing over everything else. that needs to change this year.

i also want to get better at drawing characters from extreme angles. i've always felt like my poses are a bit flat and i think i can study photos taken with wide angle lenses to improve at that.

and of course i still want to draw faster, which is something i've always struggled with. i think i have a good rhythm of "producing" art (excuse me for the poor wording), but i'm still too slow for the kind of artstyle i want to achieve, which includes having a looser lineart and less details in irrelevant areas of the drawings. i think that overdoing the lineart actually hurts my illustrations, because everything ends up pulling the viewer's attention with the same energy. i also think messy artstyles are neat.

i promise i'm not crazy and i don't hate what i do. in fact, it's precisely because this year i managed to make some pieces with that kind of feel that i know where i want to aim. special mention to the junnana comic because i haven't been able to replicate that lineart ever since.

examples:

as for the stuff i like about my current artstyle, i definitely want to keep the way i color!! and by that i mean the method i have for applying filters that make my colors pop. i could maybe play more with textures too.

i also like the way i depict intimacy, and people have praised it too. thank you for noticing. it's the yearning that's doing it, not me. but i don't think i'll ever change the content (?) of my art, i eat breathe and speak in yuri. if anything, there are still some ways of conveying feelings that i haven't been able to draw because i lack the skill to do so, but i'll keep trying ;)

i honestly didn't expect this post to be this long. i've been writing for hours now and i'm not sure my thoughts are coherent for anyone that isn't me. i also can't grasp the idea that some people know me from fanart i did in 2016 while others started following me last month, time is wild and it's an extra dimension of complexity that i don't know how to account for when i write stuff like this.

but again, as i do with art, i've written this for myself. it's been nice to put my thoughts in order. i think i've only talked about art in depth with like 5 people and it's always been in casual conversation. no creo que estéis leyendo pero Nahia y Henar os amo y he aprendido mucho de vosotras.

thank you for reading until the end if you have. i hope you have not only a nice day but a nice year. let's meet again in the future.

[alaydabug2]

I freaking HATE being the "Good smart kid"

I used to love it and be proud

But I HATE it now

Context:

I'm the youngest (and only girl) of four siblings

All my brothers are significantly older than me

Like 5, 10 and 13 years

The thing is they're very booksmart

Key word

BOOKsmart

But they don't apply themselves and even try

2 of them were in gifted and beta but they dropped out and didn't care

1 (who has a genius IQ) ended up doing drugs and stealing and ended up in prison

One knocked 2 girls up (one baby mama being legit cray cray) and is a dead beat to both kids

1 nearly dropped out of highschool and us 19 married to a 28 year old with 3 kids (who only really seems to be there for his paycheck)

Well (minus when I was younger) I am the "good child"

I behave do well and apply myself in school

Just got into gifted and starting out freshman year with all honors classes and in beta

I LOVE learning and stuff

But the pressure is getting to be a LOT

Im known by my classmates for being the smart kid and they only really talk to me and include me for awnsers on stuff

They get mad when I try to just help and guide them instead of flat out giving the awnsers

With my parents I'm their "last hope" cause the other three screwed up

I've always been known as the happy little girl and so I don't like crying in front of them because I don't want to worry them

Especially about stupid like this

And I've always done well in school

SO MUCH SO that when I get any sort of grade below a 90 they ask me "are you ok do you need help"

And it makes me feel like I'm not doing good enough (even though they are objectively GOOD GRADES)

Even if they don't say anything when I see anything below a 90 I feel really dissappin in myself

Yeah those jokes about "Oh I did so bad on a test I got a 88"

Yeah that's me

Then furthermore

I just had to miss 2 weeks of the first weeks of school from surgery

And when I got all my makeup work I just had a breakdown because it was SO MUCH to do

First week of high-school EVER in honors

That's a lot

I had a full on BREAKDOWN cause I was stressed out and I didn't want to miss that much school

My mama got upset with me because I was having a freak out (cause I don't usually act like that)

It's not my parents are bad

Not at all whatsoever and love them so so so much

But I feel like I'm not allowed to mess up or get a bad grade now and again because I've always been known for the smart good happy girl

I feel like I can't stray from that in being afraid of dissappinting them and myself

The bar I set myself is so high cause I want to do something with my life because my brothers just dont

I feel like I need to make up for what they didn't do with the potential they had

I don't want them to be sad when I'm lonely at school cause I have friends (I guess)

But I'm not really included in the planning they do (like homecoming) and I don't want to ask to join cause I don't want to be needy and annoying

I'm sure they'd be fine if I did ask but I don't feel like I know them enough to do thay and I don't want to be weird

And when my mama asked me today if they did include me unlike my other school where I just sat and watched I just told her they dud cause I didn't want her to be sad

I literally don't know what's wrong with me

Ik they don't HAVE to be my friend and include me in everything

Thats why I don't ask

Cause they literally DONT have to

I don't want them to feel obligated to either

Cause I've been on that and of the aisle too

And being stuck around someone you don't like but pretend to tk not hurt their feelings sucks

But at the same time.... I just really miss my best friend

I just want to know why I can never get good friends who include me in things and listen

They're either toxic or I'm the pitty friend

Am I really that annoying

But then when I act "normal" and I'm more quiet I just still....

I feel like they don't like me

I've HEARS some of these girls talk about saying others are annoying thay I thought were friends and didn't want to hurt the others feelings

I always get scared I'm that friend

I'd stay by myself but

I CRAVE companionship

Ik some of you are happy to be on your own

But I'm not that

But I'm starting to think feeling lonely is just my best option at this point

I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it

I don't want tk worry my parents

I'm not gonna go around asking my friends "am I annoying"

By bsf lives an hour away

I just... don't know what to do about anything anymore

[lostcherii]

HIDDEN NOVA

CHP(1) A certain romance ignites

I woke up in need of my drug- coffee. I rubbed my eyes and walked towards my shared kitchen in the dorm. “Good morning” said Robin looking up from her book “not quite a good morning but yeah- hey nami you made some extra coffee?” i look at nami like a basement dweller who just saw the sun for the first time “sure here” 

Nami and Robin have been my dormates for over a year now and we have grown quite close to say the least. Robins is a history major and nami’s a finance major. She talks about how much she loves money and forces herself into finance. “So when do you guys have your first class?” i look up at both of them while drinking my coffee “i don't have any classes today i just have work on my projects for now” said robin “ughh i have back to back classes today after 10” said nami groaning in pain i chuckled and told nami “ you want i'm going on a early shift to check up on the cafe i could get you something if you want” i said while grinning at nami,

Her dull face lit up so quickly she thanked me and ran out the door saying she needed to reach class a little early, me and robin waved goodbye to her. 

After a while I got ready. The weather wasn’t cold but quite cloudy suggesting it was going to rain so I wore an oversized sweater with baggy jeans and cherry red sambas. I grabbed my bag and bid goodbye to robin and left for my early shift at the cafe.

The grandline college is a prestigious college only rich or extremely talented people are accepted in. It doesn't matter what you major in if you graduate from grandline you're a rare jewel. The campus was also quite huge like really fucking big it was like portal to rich insanity. I came to the college with a scholarship but my grandma did have some background with it and I knew it was her last wish for me to go here so the college offered me a scholarship on her behalf. 

I entered the cafe and saw my co-worker. He also attended the same college though we never crossed paths and became good friends by working together often “so why are you here on the morning shift?” i asked law knowing that he's a med major and definitely doesn't sleep at night 

“i needed get a extra shift done so i could take time off after today” 

“Ah i see best of luck for your midterms” i smiled at him 

“Thanks” he said while smiling back and preparing the coffee 

“Oh by the way did the vinyls which the manager ordered come?” i asked law and yes this cafe was a side by side music store as well and that wasn’t it had some really cool vintage cars on display as well so it was very clear that this cafe was a hotspot for rich kids from our college,

“Yeah the box right there has them” he pointed at a huge pile of boxes lying near the vinyl shelf.

I sighed chugged my coffee or two and cried mentally while doing this huge task alone i opened the boxes and started to arrange the vinyls on the shelf 

“So how's your commercial video going?” Law asked me i had a project in which i had to support or make a ad for a small group or business 

“Ah it's tough you know i can't find any interesting small business ya know all of them are the same old, i need something eye catching like hmm i don't know something like alcohol” i grinned at Law 

He chuckled back “speaking of alcohol you should go to moonlight club tonight i heard Luffy’s band is playing” 

“Oh really sweet i have been waiting to see his performance” 

Luffy was a kid in his last year of high school when i met him a year back. He was visiting our cafe and we struck up nice conversations here and there. We talked on a daily basis whenever he used to visit the cafe.

After arranging the vinyl's I went and did my small check ups on the inventory and got ready to leave. Law had left about half an hour ago inviting me to go see Luffy's band with him. I got my bag and walked out the door with Nami's snacks. 

After all my classes of the day were complete I got to my dorm

and started to get ready to meet up with law. I put on some glittery smokey eyeshadow and eyeliner while wearing a loose white dress and a leather jacket. While heading out I opened my drawer to put on a necklace and saw a not so old camera. I never bought this camera but put it in my bag thinking I might just use it later on, and put on my Vivienne Westwood necklace with knee high leather boots and left for the bar.

The moonlight club quite a suiting name for the  underground bar actually considering that the bar was dimly lit with candles and very little lighting with a poker and pool table on the side with a huge bar/bistro, it has  small jazz performances here and there today luffy and his older brothers got a little gig at the bar i never meet his brothers but luffy told me that they attend the same college and he only visits the cafe when he comes to visit them. 

I walked in to the bar and spotted law sitting close by the stage i sat down beside him and chatted for a bit until we heard a announcement 

“Today we have small band performance so please give them a huge round of applause” not a second passed by i heard a smooth guitar drift playing in the background with rhythmic drum beats i saw luffy play the drums he looked so happy smiling like a idiot and i saw the bassist a blond yet handsome young fellow his name was sabo i think 

“Well, oh, they might wear classic Reeboks

Or knackered Converse

Or tracky bottoms tucked in socks

But all of that's what the point is not

The point's that there ain't no romance around there” 

sang the lead singer and my god HE WAS AMAZING his vocals may not be great but he made his beats and tune match so well it didn't matter that his voice was a little monotone, he had fluffy black hair it was kinda messy, his freckles shining a little with the candle lit stage his brown eyes glistening, he's quite tall wearing a deep cut white button down with its sleeves rolled, he had quite a toned body and his hands were really pretty i thought about the rings that would suit them quite well.

I felt myself smiling at him unknowingly, while singing he looked at me smirk and gave me a little wink 

I'm no coward from flirting banters so being the bold bastard i am i winked back 

He looked amused for a second but smiled back at me and continued to sing 

“You know, oh, it's a funny thing you know

We'll tell 'em if you like

We'll tell 'em all tonight

They'll never listen

Because their minds are made up

And course it's all okay to carry on that way ”

And glanced at me and smiled.

The moonlight illuminated his face so perfectly the beats were also on the point the bar had the perfect background- It struck me I quickly took out my camera and started to take short clips of their performances. Law was looking at me like I just came out of a mental asylum

and the only thing I know is how to use a camera.

After the performance me and law went to talk to luffy 

“Hey luffy great performance” i grinned at him 

“Oh thanks y/n, here meet my brothers” he grabbed mine and laws hand and rushed us to his brothers 

“SABO ACE HERE MEET MY FRIENDS” yelled luffy on top his lungs 

“Calm down luffy-” said sabo 

Ace just looked at luffy annoyed and continued to tune his guitar while sitting beside the pool table

“This is law, he is super duper smart like he helped me to figure out why my laptop wasn’t working for a week”

“I just told you that you should try charging it-” said law 

“Hey, I think I have seen you both before on campus, right?” said sabo pointing at me and law 

“Yeah we also go to the same college, nice to meet im y/n” i told sabo while smiling at him 

“Nice to meet you too-”

“LUFFY DON'T DRINK THAT-” yelled the freckled boy 

“EWW WHY IS IT SO BITTER I THOUGHT IT WAS APPLE JUICE” said luffy sticking his tongue out and frowning

“It's not apple juice idiot” said freckled boy and smacked luffy on his head he look at me and his eyes widened just a little which made me smirk,

“Why hello my name is y/n nice to meet you” i said admiring him

Fuck he's beautiful fucking gorgeous- I thought,

“Nice to meet you, Ace” he said as looked at me and grinned

That grin pulled a note on my heart

“Your guitar drift was quite nice ya know” i told him honestly while taking a sip of my whiskey

“Oh really?” he said with a smirk, we hit up a good conversation after that 

Sabo and law seemed to get along quite well surprisingly 

Luffy was out eating as many bar snacks he could find he didn't care about anything all he wanted was tiny dino nuggets (they didn't have any sadly)

Law and sabo left god knows when they had to drag out luffy with them because he snuck into the kitchen to see if they were lying about not having dino nuggets.

Me and ace started to walk back to campus 

“So what's your major?” i ask him

“Astro-Physics ” he said 

I went in utter shock he didn't strike me as the type who's really smart but turns out he is  just book smart not street smart that was quite easy to figure out,

“Woah that's so cool”

“Really? not boring, just staring at numbers or the stars in the sky”

“Na the stars are so pretty i'd love to know more about them you know” i said while looking up at the starry night sky 

“Really you wouldn't like it very much when you have entire thesis due on them” he chuckled 

“So what is your major ?” 

“Graphic designing but I'm also planning to major in psychology” 

“Oh graphic designing seems cool” he said grinning and asked me all sorts of questions 

He asked me whether or not I get paid well and I thought about it and saw my future being taken away by ai as it menacingly laughed at my face.

We continued to talk about how he started the band, he told me that he was tired of doing something which didn't bring him joy or passion so started to play his guitar again and told sabo that they should try out a few gigs here and there but it just seemed like the story had a little piece missing but i didn't ask him i just listened to him talking so passionately about his band i felt a smile approach my face,

“And then we convinced luffy to think that Dadan had left him, but she had just gone to get him some snacks he was crying for the entire hour she was gone” chuckled ace

I Gasped sarcastically “how could you ever do such a thing” i said and shook my head while laughing.

We laughed our ass off the entire walk back home and at the end we bid each other goodbye to go to our dorms. 

“Goodbye mr.freckles” i said laughing

“Goodbye shorty” said ace chuckling and waving goodbye and walking away.

[nomsfaultau]

Daily ask №21 (3 WEEK ANNIVERSARY WOO)

Education edition!

1. The fault crew get magically teleported to high school. To everyone else they appear as perfectly normal, definitely human, high school age students. Except Phil, he's a professor. Oh also the red is temporarily disabled. They also get a note from me apologizing for sending them into random situations so much and the info that they'll be there for one school day and they'll be teleported back when they exit the school after the school day ends. They also have backpacks with their timetables and any other normal schools stuff they might need. What happens?

2. What would each character's favourite subject be? Why?

3. How much experience does each character actually have with school/the education system?

4. Would Tubbo having dyslexia imply that dyslexia is a condition that affects the soul and not the brain? Considering the fact that I don't think they.. have.. a brain. Can they even get brain damage? Or bruises (doesn't have blood).

5. What would each character be a teacher of if they had to be a teacher?

1.Well Tommy is having the best day of his life making friends and chatting and goofing off. Everyone else is losing their minds. I don’t imagine they’d participate willingly given a major lack of familiarity and general chaotic upheaval, but we’ll assume magic reinforcement. 

Phil is pulling his hair out trying to fake lectures on the fly, but is pretty good once he gets into it. Honestly one of the better substitutes the classes have gotten, given I’ve dealt with neonazi subs in the past. He’s fun and nice but can wrangle everyone enough that they aren’t just feral. Philza is unflappable to various hazing rituals, and somehow gets a class to enjoy a brief meditating session like one of my coworkers managed once. Still don’t know how she got 10 year olds to beg to meditate again…

Tubbo is desperately trying to find a wheel chair so they don’t have to explain the flying thing. And then kinda adores it since it’s so much easier to get around and they’re way less tired than normal since constantly flying on a skeleton crew gives very little time to rest. Unforchie living in the woods makes wheelchairs impractical due to the terrain. They keep going hella fast and accidentally running into walls and stuff. Though it’s probably an awful model that is uncomfortable after a few hours rip. Other than that, becomes THE person for school gossip. Literally knows all the dirt within hours. Cheats their way through all tests and work too because come on they’re an adult they’re not dealing with this bullmuffin. 

Wilbur is mentally dying. He only knows forbidden knowledge and has never done proper math before. Its only understanding of social convention is stuff picked up in crowds and stores, only brief interactions to avoid further attention. Doesn’t understand literally anything that’s happening, and ends up ditching class to try and hide until the school day is over (no concept of how long that is). Starts stress eating really bad. 

The Blade is somewhat shy at first given it’s a bunch of people he doesn’t know, but gets into it. He’s having fun preforming way above grade level and rubbing it in the face of children. But also uuhsghsja in person school is so long and requires consistent attention in a way that is hellish on the adhd. He misses college schedule flexibility and fewer number of hours. 

2.The Blade likes mythology bc he’s a nerd. And also the voices have scraps of information from the past sometimes. Wilbur likes theater because it’s his natural calling. Philza likes science because it keeps evolving all the time and is really funny to compare to previous human theories on how stuff works. Tommy likes art. He’s not like good but he has fun. Tubbo’s a philosophy guy since omg other people with ethics…

3.Wilbur: zilch. Nada. Never really considered how humans seem to know stuff while he’s had to puzzle everything out. Is jealous when it realizes people are just told how to operate and function in society when it had to learn the hard way. 

The Blade: online classes, skimmed through K-12 stuff and then attended proper college. A proud dual major. 

Tubbo: has gone through the school system twice, plus law school. I think Rosalind was like a psychology major but didn’t do anything with it. Jasmine was in year one, and Rhodes gave Tubbo informal schooling. 

Tommy: a high school dropout because the Foundation got him before he could graduate. Was planning to go to college but wasn’t sure what degree to get. 

Philza: a bunch of weird stuff over the millennia. Not stuff really geared towards children, but I figure he’s dipped in with various philosopher and academic circles. I suppose most recently would be Dr. Anderson rambling about his archeology work, since Phil was a big help on his thesis. 

4.Nah not a soul thing at all. Bees have brains. And also very importantly, 2 compound eyes with 6,000 lenses and three ocelli (primitive light receptor eyes). Now that is a lot of images, though a bee brain does combine them like how we combine our two fields of vision. Except, Tubbo also has approximately 1 million eyes when at the 200k population, most of which is not looking at only the words before them. Plus most of those eyes are very very small compared to the letters. This all makes it rather hard for them to read, which Rhodes interpreted as dyslexia.  

Also fun fact only the insectoid body’s eyes can see the color red, since (to my understanding) light operates differently at a small scale so insects operate lower on the light spectrum (ultra violet to orange). But the insectoid eyes are way bigger so they can have human range too. Though Tubbo tends to call things that for them are in the orange range red since obviously when Rhodes was looking at red stuff that’s what he taught them it was. So also partially color blind, or color+ given the ultra violet. 

Tubbo could get temporary brain damage should the majority of bees get brain damage (probably difficult without killing them). But give them a month and those bees will all be dead and replaced. Potentially could get bruise like injuries from internal damage to honey cells, but they’d probably eat the spilled honey. 

5.Phil is a welding teacher because fire and invention. He helps kids make swords and whatever they can think of since he wants to foster human innovation. He can’t be a history teacher because what he has experience with is very spotty and he’d probably argue with the official version of history so much that all his students fail testing.

Wilbur is a gym teacher. Everyday is leg day. It loves designing weird challenges and games and honestly half the kids probably hate it. He always beats them on the mile, definitely not one of those gym teachers that sits and watches the kids exercise. 

Assuming the orphan thing isn’t a problem, The Blade is an English teacher. Preferably for middle schoolers since they’d really vibe with his edgy humor. Everything he grades is always three months late. 

Tommy teaches graphic design. It’s stuff like editing silly videos and photoshop nonsense. It’s very easy to get him off topic to avoid working that class period. 

Tubbo covers home ec with an emphasis on stuff like gardening. They always seem to know when people are acting up, like eyes in the back of their head but a million times worse. 

[notcaycepollard]

I just saw your Barbie jacket and fell in love, such beautiful work!

I want to get into sewing but have no idea where to start, do you have any tips?

Yes! FYI, I had the privilege of learning to sew at a really young age, around 10-12, thanks to 1) learning the basics from my mum 2) having a second-hand sewing machine I could futz around on as I pleased. But I truly think anyone can learn to sew, it does not have to be a childhood skill.

If you want to try it out before committing to buying anything except fabric, there are almost always community or adult education classes or courses that can teach you basics on their machines. Depends where you live but you might find them through your local community college or high school night class, library, YMCA/community centre, or even by asking at a fabric/craft store.

I highly recommend taking a couple of classes if you're a complete beginner - they can teach things like laying out and cutting patterns, threading a machine, the basic stitch and finishing options, etc. Often they can also teach you how to use your own machine, if you've bought one but you're a beginner.

If you want to try at home, at minimum you will need:

A basic sewing machine - you can very often find good second-hand machines online (ebay, craigslist, local buy/sell Facebook pages). Mine is a Janome and I've had it for almost 20 years, but the old 70s steel Singer machines are fantastic in terms of longevity.

A pair of reasonably sharp fabric scissors. You do not need to pay a million dollars for the best scissors, but going up a level from basic craft scissors, and keeping them only for cutting fabric (no paper) will make your cutting-out experience a lot easier.

A packet of sewing pins. For pinning down patterns and seams. I like the glass-head pins since they don't melt if you iron over them.

A tape measure for measuring yourself and checking your seam width, hems, etc.

An iron and ironing board (or table with a thick towel laid down, if space is a real problem).

A flat surface to lay out and cut your fabric - dining table or floor both work fine.

A needle for hand-sewing - to sew on things like buttons.

A box of empty bobbins to wind your bobbin thread onto.

In terms of patterns - there are a huge range of indie pattern companies online now (meaning they're not the big commercial patternmakers like Butterick). Most often, you can buy their patterns as a PDF and print it out on your home computer. In all honesty I much prefer indie patterns to commercial - they're often a lot more up to date with style, and usually not as expensive - but they can also be limited in terms of sizing, the range of style options, and some people really like a printed paper pattern instead of having to print your own. I recommend Papercut Patterns as an indie option that's great for beginners.

Indie instructions can also sometimes be a bit confusing (I find Etsy patterns the worst for this) although often you can email them and ask - or Google "[name of pattern] sew along" for a video tutorial. You can also find step by step video or blog post tutorials for pretty much every sewing technique, including things like putting in a zip, sewing buttonholes, etc.

Once you've picked your pattern, you'll obviously need fabric. There are a million people online who espouse the virtue of sewing with old bedsheets from thrift stores; in all honesty I don't love doing this because 1) I get a huge amount of joy from beautiful fabrics 2) if you want to make things that look 'professional'/store-bought, bedsheet cotton is not always your best friend. BUT it is probably the cheapest option for fabric, and a very good way to start or to test that a pattern fits and you know how to make it before you cut it out in the nice linen that cost $30 a yard. Using thrifted fabric is also obviously really eco-conscious, although a lot of fabric stores (especially independent ones vs chain stores like Spotlight or Joann) make a point of selling 'deadstock' fabric - fabric leftover from a clothing designer's run.

That's probably enough to start, honestly just fuck around and have fun with it, screw up a few times, lean into the imperfection. I still regularly scrap projects that aren't working for me, no shame in doing so as long as you're enjoying yourself!

[symphonic-scream]

Back when the Legend of Korra finale first aired, I was a little baby gay and had a different tumblr which I believe I deleted. On said tumblr, I think I mentioned vaguely that I had an idea for fankids for them

It's been 9 years since I deleted that tumblr. It's going to be 10 years since the finale this December. The release of the (underwhelming) live action Last Airbender has brought me back to a show that truly changed my life, and made me feel seen as a queer, mixed native kid (I'm a quarter, my grandpa was full)

So. Here's a little post about those ocs, who I found in my old seventh grade french notes (I never paid attention in that class lmao)

Anyways!y Korrasami kids. Let's go over them

Hiroto Sato (Ref age 16)

So I imagine that once their lives were stable, that they'd want to have a baby. Asami would carry in my mind, just because Korra would be all worried about how her body would handle it after the poisoning thing. However, their plans go, twisted. Cause they have twins

Their first born is their son, named after Hiroshi Sato, though Asami didn't want to directly name him after her father because her feelings would be still complicated. So, Hiroto. He goes by Hiro, mostly, and he's a fire bender

His eyes are a dark brown/grey, and he keeps his hair at a sort of medium length? It curls slightly around his ears, and he'd need glasses starting at age 14. He likes warm, comfy clothes

Hiro isn't very physically, well, talented. He's clumsy, trips over his own feet sometimes, the kind of person who's thinking so hard he smacks into polls and apologizes to them. He'd nervously chew on the skin of his thumb as he works. Hiro's an awkward guy, not great at conversation. He's always had a knack for art, and wants to become a city planner. He's not a great bender, but he does like helping out in the kitchen

Yasuko Sato (Ref age 16)

Their only daughter and youngest bio child, it's younger twin Yasuko! Korra chose her name. She knows how much Asami's mom meant to her, and honestly, the baby looked a lot like the old photos of Yasuko. As much as a baby can, at least. Like her brother, she's a fire bender

She's nearly a carbon copy of Asami. Green eyes, wavy black hair, though she smiles a little crooked. She keeps her hair up in a high pony, and even though she needs glasses like her brother, she rarely wears them. She forgets them more often then not, and just takes his to read momentarily. She's, like, "sleeves? Never heard of them"

Yasuko showed real promise in fire bending when Korra first started teaching her, so she decided to get both twins a proper teacher. Yasuko wanted to be a hero like her Moma, and grew up wanting to help people. Her goal is to be a fire fighter! She's the funny friend, always makes others smile, a jokester

Kova Sato (Ref age 19)

So, the next three are all adopted. There was a disaster type happening in the furthest parts of the Northern Water Tribe, and Korra went to help in the aftermath. After helping with search and rescue efforts, she goes to visit the injured to sort of, give them hope

That's where she meets Kova. He's 9 at the time, yet he was working hard to use his water bending to help heal alongside the elder women. She talks to him while handing out some food shipped in from Republic City, and finds out he lost his parents, and has been looking after his younger brother

Long story short, both boys return to the city with her, and Asami ends up understanding why her wife couldn't leave them behind

Kova is a big guy. He's mixed water tribe earth nation, so while he's got dark skin, his eyes are a dark green, and his hair is messy, dark brown. Quiet guy, but tall for his age. Real gentle, there's a reason he has an affinity for healing. He's got little sun freckles too!

He's great with words. He's a blooming poet, writing the stories people tell him during healing sessions. Incredibly kind, loves the idea of memories making someone immortal. The first poems he writes are of his birth parents, and the second? Of his mom's, and his siblings.

Haoyu Sato (Ref age 12)

He's Kova's younger brother, and was only 2 when Korra took them in and brought them to Republic City.

Haoyu is just paler than his older brother, with darker, messier hair, and blue eyes. His smile is bright, pure joy and energy. He's an endless ball of energy, and reminds his mom's and grandparents of a young Korra; he knows he's hot shit. He's an earth bender, starting at age 6

He's obsessed with pro bending. But, he doesn't dream of being an athlete, but an announcer. Reading is tough for him, and he struggles a bit in school, but when he comes home each day, he's surrounded by love, and care. Asami is always happy to sit with him and help him make sense of his school work, gentle, kind, and patient

I imagine he'd wear someone like a hoodie and soft puffy pants, the kind that end above the ankle.

Gyaltsen Sato (Ref age 5)

The youngest, and again, not exactly a planned adoption. His mother was a newer air acolyte, and she didn't make it through the birth. Tenzin asked Korra and Asami to look after baby Gyaltsen away from the busy temple until someone could take him in, but, the mom's got attached

Just barely darker than Asami and the twins, Gyaltsen has the lightest hair in the family, and the darkest eyes. He's an airbender who shows extreme potential, and is one of Jinora's most promising young students

He's got this spark for life. Everything is so cool to him, so amazing, it's rare for him to be disappointed by something. He feels things strongly, and his Moma Korra sits with him to meditate and talk about his big feelings

He's still very young and growing up, so he's got time to become himself

--

ANYWAYS. THERE THEY ARE. TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

[kidchaoss]

Tuesday, September 3 2024- 00:40

started adding the date because I like reading old entries and it's confusing because I don't know when they're from

anyway

school starts in 10 days. I don't wish that, obviously. I don't like school anymore. to be fair, I never did. I like learning but the learning method of school is just too overwhelming, too generic.

I received my school schedule and it's shit. also, a new student is joining my class which is the worst because he already failed the grade so he's repeating it. yay, more stupid people.

I promised myself that I would ace this school year. every time I start thinking about that more I wonder if I'm lying to myself. I can't possibly go through this school year with no problem.

I already know who's gonna sit next to me on classes. it's alphabetical order so I'm always going to seat next to that one girl who's not seated to her best friend because of me. and I'm always in the middle. she's annoying. I could say that I pretty much like when the teachers change our seats.

I've got too much on my mind that I'd like to write. on this moment I'd like to write about me thinking that I have adhd, my friends, my possible crush on a girl that I barely met but I know lots of things about because of my mother, the fact that I over share too much... etc... glad I listed it

but I still want to talk about school. last school year I kinda learned how to study and honestly, it's very chaotic. I stay hours studying for a test because I get focused on that. it needs to be a quiet place at the right temperature, no food or I'll get distracted, my headphones with brian eno's music and taking notes on a random notebook. that's the only way it works. my mother always says that for me to keep my studying balanced I should do it everyday. and I agree but how can I if I can't focus? it's too much distractions around me. too much freedom.

yes. that's the word. freedom. I got my phone next to me so I get distracted with it but if I don't have my phone I can't possibly listen to music because I don't know how to make the damn cassette work. and then I can always go downstairs and just watch tv because the door is unlocked and no one could make me focus. it's too much freedom. I have the freedom to let myself walk around the house doing anything but study. I have the freedom of going to my phone and just stay with that.

then I got the pressure. from my classmates, I mean. and from my family but I'll talk about that in a few moments. imagine this: the teacher is handing the tests and I get a grade lower than 90, my usual. once, I got a 71, my lowest grade if I recall it correctly. I started crying. for a lot of my classmates, a 71 on physics&chemistry is a miracle, the best thing ever. not for me. so I started crying as I already said and pretty much everyone was judging me, except, ofc, my half a dozen of real friends. "If I was her I would be happy"; " what is she even crying about, that's a great grade for me". exactly. for them. I gotta admit..my grades fell a little that time. but they got better. then we have my parents. when I told them about the grade they didn't get mad. my mother laughed. she said "you'll have to deal with that. next time study more. I told you already. study everyday". my parents always say "you got us used to these high grades. it's really a disappointment to know that your grades are getting lower". I get so frustrated with those words...

I was going to write something more about this but I forgot... oh well...

if you read until the end thank you very much for listening to my thoughts.

stay tuned

[bubblegum-glitch]

I suppose the best place to begin an introduction is at the very beginning. But let's be real, that's 35 years of filler that I'm sure most of you don't have the time to read through. Life is short, and life is busy, so how about we bullet point the highlights and "need to knows" leading up to the journey that you're all here for!

Hang on to your butts, I'm about to throw a lot of information at you in rapid fire succession.

I was born in April of '89 and was raised on the East Coast of Canada.

I have 4 older brothers, my parents are still together, and aside from a few hiccups I had a pretty good home life.

I have some alcohol related trauma due to my dad's addiction. He was never violent or abusive, but there are some mental scars that never fully healed. (Note he is now sober and our relationship is much better these days.)

I have a very close relationship with my mom.

My mom babysat so I was raised with 3 girls my age who are my sisters from other misters. We may not be related by blood, but we have that same bond that sisters have.

My family would have been considered lower middle class.

I was a tom boy growing up. I was more interested in video games and beast wars than barbies and baby dolls.

I started showing signs of mental health issues (anxiety, depression & panic attacks) around 10 years old (the same time my period started) but they were not addressed until my late 20s.

I had severe acne in my teens and have bad permanent scaring on my cheeks as a result. This led to an ongoing struggle with Body Dysmorphia and a lot of money spent on skin resurfacing that never worked.

High School was horseshit but I never dealt with any severe bullying. These were the years, however, that I began self-harming.

I wasn't "popular" per say, but I had lots of friends growing up.

I started working with a paper route at 10, then at 16 got my first job in retail at a Dollar store that was located next to a strip club. I will regale you with those stories in a future post.

I would be employed in the customer service industry without a break for the next 8 years.

I got my BA in English straight out of High School and put myself in crippling debt for a useless piece of paper.

During a night of D&D spent over at one of my friends' exes apartments, at 19 years old, I had my first kiss, got drunk for the first time, and lost my virginity all in one shot.

I did not drink or do drugs as a teen.

I have never done hard drugs or smoked cigarettes.

I have only been drunk about 5 times in my life, only once bad enough for a hang over, and rarely ever have a drink even to this day.

I didn't start smoking weed until my mid 20s.

I went full emo (aesthetic, music, and personality) in University.

My dream job is to be a novelist.

I have a certificate in Photography and shoot nature as a hobby, and pets as a paid gig from time to time.

I had a popular YouTube channel for like 5 minutes in 2009 but then I panicked and deleted it.

I have never had a career outside of customer service.

I have only had five sexual partners in my life.

I have only ever had two relationships last more than 2 months.

I identified as aromantic asexual for a very long time.

I do not currently know what I identify as sexually. Most likely aromantic bisexual, but it's very fluid.

I have been with my Husband for approximately 10 years.

I have attempted suicide twice.

I was diagnosed with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) around the time I was 30 and began LIFE CHANGING prescription medication (sertraline).

I do not like nor do I ever want children so I got my tubes tied at 32.

I'm a huge animal lover and as of this time have owned 2 cats, 4 dogs, 3 budgies, 2 hamsters, 1 rabbit, and 7 rats over the course of my lifetime.

I have an incomplete education in IT Web Design and Audio Engineering.

I have vocal training but hate the sound of my voice.

I made money streaming video games on twitch with some friends for a bit in 2016 - 2017.

I started working in the donation rooms of thrift stores in 2016 and honestly if it wasn't for the bullshit politics of the companies I've worked for I could totally see myself staying in that industry. I wouldn't be against opening my own thrift shop one day.

I have been an introvert since Junior High.

I am agnostic.

Okay... Alright, okay, alright.

I think that covers all the need-to-knows of my life before I said "Fuck it" and started taking off my clothes in front of the camera. Thanks for sticking with me through that whole information dump. Hopefully that's enough to give you a bit of an idea of who I am, and can maybe help break that idea that all sex workers have tragic pasts and severe trauma.

My life has never been tragic. Yes, there have been hurdles I've had to overcome, an alcoholic parent, navigating life with severe anxiety and depression, and the adolescent struggles any teenager and young adult may face. But really, my life has honestly been kind of uneventful, and I don't mean that as a bad thing!

This is my foundation, the building blocks that made me who I am today. And who is that?

Well, stick around and I'll tell you!

[patronsaintofteachercrushes]

10/7

Well, things have still been relatively quiet here. I’ve been getting closer with J, but I guess it’s just like a platonic thing ? Idk. I’ve never had a platonic crush on a teacher before so I’m not really sure what it is I’m feeling. I definitely don’t feel the way I felt about H or L towards J but it’s definitely not nothing either.

I’ve noticed things about J that are very cute, but cute like a puppy and not like wow I want to be your girlfriend cute. He has a small lisp and light freckles over his cheeks. I saw him out for a run on my way to work on Saturday too, which was cute. He was sweaty and out of breath and I admired him from my car but I didn’t feel how I might’ve should I have seen H instead. He laughs at my jokes and agrees with me and he calls on me in class even when I don’t raise my hand.

There’s another teacher, whom I don’t have but my friend does, that I am unfortunately very interested in. I had found him attractive last year, but I was obviously focusing my attention elsewhere and I never really tried to do anything. But over the last month, I have done a complete and intense background check on him. I’m a little ashamed to admit but I know more about him than his students probably do and I’ve only had a 2 minute at max interaction with him. I know where he went to college, where he went to high school, that his brother has a girlfriend and his sister is married, what kind of music he likes, that he was in a band at one point or another, where his brother graduated college from, the position he played in baseball and all the years he played in college, the city he was born in, and so on. I also know that he did educational work before becoming a teacher. So, more than I should. But he’s so sweet, he walks around school like he just won the lottery and he always has a pencil or pen behind his ear. He’s also 6’4, which is a staggering whole foot taller than I am. H was only a couple inches taller than me. I think I’ll call this new teacher W.

Besides this attraction to J and W, which is still no where need substantial yet, I’ve just been flirting with the old men at my work. There’s this one old man who rides a motorcycle and he’s never able to remember my name so the other day I wrote him a note to keep in his wallet with my name on it. Which felt more suggestive when I did it than it probably sounds. He likes to tell me stories of his late wife and tell me how I remind him of her. He orders a small drip coffee with half an inch of half & half. Sometimes though I let myself get a little out of hand and I can’t catch myself before I’m too late. I know that I look older than 17 and I definitely carry myself older than a senior in high school, so it’s never been too alarming to me when an older man makes a pass at me (even besides the fact that I don’t mind) but sometimes I forget that they don’t actually know my age and I flirt back. There was this one time where another man on a motorcycle came through and I almost got on his motorcycle for a ride before I realized that he wasn’t actually sure of who I was and neither was I sure of who he was. I guess I’ve just been so desperate for any stimulation in that regard that I just don’t think about the consequences of what could possibly happen to me. I don’t really care either way, but I guess it was just like “woah, what am I doing right now ?” You know ? Idk, I’m not sure if many of you guys on here are attracted to older men/women in general or just teachers.

Anyway, I’m still struggling majorly with my motivation. I almost kind of wish H was still looking at my grades constantly. And I mean, I’m still keeping my head above water, 2 B’s and 4 A’s but I just don’t even know how I’m doing it. I’m just like going through the motions. I never really thought about how hard it would be to stay motivated after H, I was so much more concerned with missing him than how beneficial my crush on him was to my academics. I was so scared of disappointing him, but I’m not scared of disappointing anyone now. I mean myself, sure, but gosh what do I care ? I live with myself 24/7, I don’t need to impress myself. I wanted to impress him, and that’s how I was able to maintain a 3.7 last year. Gosh, I’m just whining now aren’t I ? Whatever, I guess that’s kinda what this blog is for now. Shouting mindlessly into a void. It is a little therapeutic.

[eldritchlittleblackdragon]

Joella Fairwinter:

Character Profile and Backstory, Including her Shared History with Astarion

I needed to infodump about this to people, damn it! Let me tell you about BG3!Joey and how instead of how it is in canon, she and Astarion have an entire decade of prior history with each other prior to the events of the game.

Name: Joella Fairwinter

Nickname: Joey

Gender: Cis Female (She/Her Pronouns)

Age: 63 (Developmental roughly equivalent to a human in their early to mid thirties, but does suffer from a chronic case of baby face that runs in her family)

Neurotype: Autistic

Race: High Half-Elf (Human Father, High Elf Mother)

Class: Sorcerer (Wild Magic)

Occupation: Apothecary

Home: Baldur’s Gate

Family: Lelia Fairwinter (Mother, Age 470), Johan Wise (Father, Age 92), Freya Fairwinter (Maternal Half-Sister, Alive but Never Met), Killian Fairwinter (Uncle), Faelynn Fairwinter (Aunt), Theron Fairwinter (Cousin), Marcus Shorehand (Distant Cousin), Holston Shorehand (Distant Cousin)

Friends of Note: Lys Du Claire* (Half-Wood Elf Urban Ranger), Lukyan (Tiefling Paladin), Merl (Familiar, a Large Tuxedo Cat)

*Is another one of my BG3 Player Characters

Personality Traits – Kind, Accepting, Patient, Loyal, Honest, Anxious, Stubborn, Perfectionistic, Emotionally Self-Effacing, Hates Conflict

Backstory:

63 years prior to the events of Baldur’s Gate 3, Joey was born to the Magistrate Lelia Fairwinter and her husband of the time, the bard Johan ‘Robinsong’ Wise in the city of Baldur’s Gate. Due to her mother coming from a well to do background, Joey’s early childhood was very comfortable and insular. However, that changed quite a bit, when her mother and father, in spite loving in each other very much, could no longer live together (due to incompatible ways of living which clashed against one another). While they didn’t divorce, they did separate, and Johan returned to his life as a commoner (albeit it with some money given to him by his wife at her insistence). Due to an agreement between her parents, Joey was shuttled between them throughout the rest of her childhood and adolescence, growing up in a world that was not a mix of human and elven culture, but of common and noble society as well.

Eventually, Joey took interest in the Apothecary trade, much to her mother’s surprise (and disappointment). Eventually, after a series of different living arrangements, she came to live with a maternal aunt, uncle, and cousin (who are poorer relations compared to the rest of that side of the family). Eventually, as her father came into old age and needed some help around the house, he was taken into the household as well. She considered her life defined by working in the apothecary shop, caring for her elderly father, and doing her best to master her rather volatile magical gifts. In her spare time, she spent time with friends or indulged in a good book.

However, a peculiar turns of events sent her life on a strange and frightening trajectory she never expected- entwined her fate to a man people in her circle believed to be dead and buried. And it started 10 years ago, in an upscale tavern where she was to meet a friend of hers.

While her friend had yet to appear, Joey encountered a rather mysterious and… peculiar man during the wait. He introduced himself as ‘Astarion’, and proceeded to have a brief conversation with her, clearly attempting to flirt with her and even attempting to coax her away with him. Joey found herself rather flustered and flabbergasted, but managed to utter a polite refusal. Her friend appeared, and Astarion quickly lost interest, fixing his attentions on another patron across the way. The rest of the evening was uneventful, and as far as Joey was concerned it was hardly anything of note. Just… a bit strange.

However, when she related the story back to her cousin the next day, he was rather intrigued. He had a late friend by the name of Astarion. He had been a colleague of Joey’s mother, a fellow magistrate and peer, and because they worked in the same courthouse and both had a penchant for quick jabs and a good laugh, her cousin and Astarion had become good friends. Her cousin remarks that perhaps she would have liked to meet his friend, although it’s hard to say whether the two would have gotten along.

Once again, it was interesting, but it was nothing Joey really thought on at first.

However, she ran into ‘her’ Astarion again after that first night. Quite a few times actually. At first, he didn’t seem too keen to interact with her compared to when they first met. Although he tolerated her presence. Eventually however, he seemed to cautiously come out of his shell, be more friendly with her. Even so, he seemed to keeps his cards close to his chest. Even after the time they spent, it occurred to Joey she still knew very little about him. Aside from his personality – he was confident, flirtatious and vain, with a penchant for threatrics, and had something of an uncaring/cruel streak at times. But she also learned something about him- that he wasn’t used to simple and genuine kindness. She wondered how much of what he presented to the world was genuine. Because it seemed like when her kindness caught him off guard… it seemed to reveal something else was underneath. Someone who was more afraid and uneasy than he let on, someone who had been hurt. Who may still be hurting.

And he never lingered too long around her. Although some nights he lingered longer than others.

She would have liked to think and she and Astarion became friends of a sort. They were amicable, and over time, he seemed to lose a bit of his cruel streak, at least around her, and he revealed himself to be a more wary, cynical, and uncertain sort. But he also revealed that her kindness was appreciated. He warned her she was naive for trusting someone like him, but he couldn’t say he didn’t appreciate her willingness to give him the benefit of the doubt all the same.

This went on for a number of years, until one day, she went to go visit her mother at the courthouse she worked at currently, as she had moved districts.

Joey was waiting for her in the hall, eyeing the portraits of former judges. And she was startled when her eyes fell on a portrait with a remarkably familiar face.

… Astarion?

Indeed, the man in the portrait was of striking resemblance to the man she had known for some years now. He looked just like him, save for the fact he wasn’t quite so pale, and his eyes were a deep, dark gold instead of a bloody red. He still had a bit of an air of vanity about him but he seemed…. Softer. More approachable.

She read the name plate, and indeed the given named inscribed for the individual in the portrait was ‘Astarion’.

What was going on here?

Her mother emerged from her chambers and found Joey examining the portrait, which led to a conversation where she asked about the late Magistrate. Who was he, as far as her mother knew? What was he like? … How did he die?

It was most curious. The portrait and the man she knew were so alike. A rather ludicrous thought occurred to her.

Was it possible that her Astarion and the late Magistrate were one at the same? That he was somehow not dead? How was he still alive? Why was he hiding out in places at night and letting others believe he was dead?

Was he up to no good? Or was he in trouble of a sort? What she heard from others led her to believe he was once upstanding so… what happened?

He had been so reluctant to talk about himself… why? This led to her doing a sort of unofficial ‘investigation’ of sorts, with the help of a pair of friends (Lys and Lukyan) to perhaps unearth the mystery of Astarion. And once she knew the truth, she was going to confront Astarion about it. That was her plan.

However, after some time into this endeavor, things came to a sudden, grinding halt on multiple fronts.

Joey’s friend, Lukyan, came to warn her away from continuing the investigation. He did not expect it at the time, but their probing had caught the attention of some influential folks whose feathers were dangerous to ruffle, and it was best not to ruffle them further. He could not in good conscience continue to help her, and he tried to discourage Lys from doing so either (he overheard something from a noble who, as would later be discovered, was connected to Cazador).

Second, Astarion suddenly grew cold to her, acting contemptuous of her presence, seeming eager to be rid of her. It hurt, but what hurt the most about it, was when she asked if she had done something, he simply told her he’d simply grown tired of her. (Unbeknownst to her, this was a lie said to push her away for her safety, as Astarion believed she was increasingly in danger of coming to the attention of someone who could hurt or kill her, or worse, destroy her and make her just like him. As it would turn out, he was right.)

Her company spurned, and her friends trying to pull her back from her endeavor, Joey was feeling powerless and lost. But, soon, she was about to be made even more powerless and left feeling afraid and uncertain. For one night, as she was walking home, she was attacked. She managed to fend off her attacker, being forced to kill them in self-defense. But when she examined them afterward, she discovered she had been set up by a Vampire (well, a Vampire Spawn, but still). And in that examination of the body, she remembered something. Certain peculiarities about Astarion began to click into place. The eyes, his complexion, the strange scar that looked like puncture marks in his neck. The fact she only seemed to be able to find him after sundown. The way he seemed particularly obsessed with necks. And come to think of it… had she ever seen his reflection?

No… it couldn’t be, could it?

She had come to another ludicrous conclusion. But after the attack, she was wounded, and needed to rest before she did anything. She would also need to be vigilant, should she be attacked again.

Thankfully, she managed to rest up at home without disturbance. But she wasn’t so sure she was truly safe.

Unfortunately things were about to go very, very wrong. Only a day after she recovered from her injuries, the city of Baldur’s Gate was attacked by a Mind Flayer ship that emerged from a portal that opened up in the sky. Buildings were destroyed, people were injured, and many were abducted by the vessel. And after sacrificing herself by putting herself in the way of a tentacle reaching for her father, she found herself among the abducted, imprisoned in a pod upon the ship.

She was subsequently infected with a mind flayer parasite. But little did she know, Astarion himself was also snatched and infected as well, and just as their paths had been forced to part, they would be forced to cross again when an opportunity presented itself for her to escape her captivity.

What would happen at their inevitable reunion? With their fates intertwining once again, how would their decade old bond grow and change? What sorts of new allies would they meet, entreat, and befriend? And how would each of them change each other and those around them, both within and without?

It is all yet to be seen.