#my friends / kids have deemed it a ‘family hyperfixation’

[quintessential-candles]

OMG YOU'VE GOTTEN HOMESICKED TOO

Y E S

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #203

Who has made the biggest sacrifice for you? My mom, for sure.

Who is the most overbearing person you know? Our landlord/family "friend." It's hard to call her that by now.

Do you still remember your first kiss? I do.

Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now? In general yes, but I do wish Girt and I had more time with just each other, not sharing houses with parents. I do sometimes wish we had our own place already, but I'm also very understanding of why we don't, both from my side and his. Sometimes I just get impatient and feel like I don't get to be a real adult.

How many kids do you want to have? Realistically none, there is a thick-ass book of reasons why I should not have a child.

Have you ever purposely given someone the wrong number? No.

Who’s the last person you smoked weed with? I've never smoked anything.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos? Permanently.

Who is the person you have hurt the most? I'm going to assume Sara, but I have no way of knowing that for sure.

Who is the person that has hurt you the most? Jason. Sara's right behind him, though. She's SAID more hurtful things.

Who’s the last guy to give you roses? Girt.

Did your parents do drugs when they were younger? I'm aware that Dad did while he was with Mom but before us kids were born.

The first thing I’d do after winning the lottery is… Buy Mom a house that's perfect for her.

The videos that always make me laugh are… Game Grumps ones.

One of my favorite writers is… Margaret Atwood. I'd like to read more of her stuff.

One of my favorite singers is… Freddie Mercury, RIP king.

What’s a favorite hobby of yours? RP. I want to branch off to more animal RPs, I've just had trouble finding places that aren't overly complicated or are my style.

I think a good source of therapy is… Journaling.

A friend who I can always be myself around is… I feel zero shame being fully myself around Tez and Mazzy. I think it's important to mention here that I KNOW I can be 100% myself around Girt, I'm just so wildly afraid of rejection/judgment/being seen as "weird" that I'm still sometimes needlessly hesitant. I've gotten better about it, though.

Something helpful to lose weight is… Not a very helpful response, but real talk, the most reliable "how to" I've found is to be in a good mental health state. My heaviest era took place during my saddest, and my healthiest weights post-initial mass weight gain came from periods where I was mentally well. NO, you do NOT need to be "okay" to lose weight, I'm just saying historically, that stood out for me.

A fear of mine is… Aside from the answers I normally give, for some variety, slugs. I'm very afraid of them just because of their sliminess and general texture. I will scream if I see one, and will NOT touch something one is on, even though I know how stupid that is, it's like I expect them to bolt up my arm when they're fuckin slugs, bro lmao. I want to overcome this fear, I actually think visually slugs are quite cute, and they're also helpful organisms that are just so harmless, but I'm so freaked out by them. It's funny, I'm not scared of snails at all; it's like put a shell on their back and suddenly the cuteness overrides the "ew slimy" reaction.

If you knew me well, you’d gift me… Anything meerkat-related, for sure. You could literally gift me a single Mountain Dew Voltage and I'll deem you a saint, haha.

Who is someone you’ve been enjoying watching on YouTube recently? I've actually been watching some Good Mythical Morning again! I'm wondering if perhaps my hyperfixation is cycling back around, haha. Maybe I just have three of them that rotate in my head like a rotisserie chicken.

Who was the last of your friends to have a baby? I think Bethany?

Which family member did you get your height from? My mom.

Which TV channel did you watch the most as a kid? Animal Planet.

Who is your favorite cousin? I don't have a favorite cousin.

If you had to choose a country to live in besides your own, which country would you choose? Probably Canada. Sucks major ass that you can't have hognose snakes as pets there, but.

Do you think you look better with long hair or short hair? Short.

What did the last mask you wore look like? It was an oxygen mask lmao

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? I officially have now as of the second asthma attack.

What color was your nursery when you were a baby? I didn't have my own nursery that I remember. I had a crib in my parents' room, at least in the house we moved into when I was like, two. I don't remember the house I was actually born into whatsoever.

When is the next time you will attend a family reunion? Where will it be? We don't have these.

Do you like cereal? What would you consider your favorite kind of cereal? I do. I think the chocolate Krave is my favorite.

What’s your favorite lollipop flavor? Strawberry or watermelon.

Who did you last hold hands with? My boyfriend.

What sounds help you sleep? Rain on the window. A fan.

Do you have a loud or more soft laugh? LOUD bitch I am a hyena

Do you like to dip your fries in a frosty or ice cream? No, I don't get the appeal of this.

Cookies or brownies? Brownies.

Are you a fan of musicals? I'm really not.

Have you ever stargazed with someone? Yes.

What color is the vehicle you ride in most often? White.

What’s your favorite kind of pasta? Just ordinary spaghetti with meatballs.

Would you say you’re a condescending person? Not at all.

Have you ever mowed a lawn? No, that is not a chore I ever want to have.

What’s the last song you listened to? Pretty sure it was "Back In School" by Mother Mother.

Are you content with your social life? No. I wish I had a few more friends and did more things with these people.

Have you ever had edible flowers? I've had honey from honeysuckles.

Do you read other people’s survey answers? I read my friends' answers. And of course sometimes when copying surveys from randoms, I can't help but read some of their answers just because my eyes naturally graze over the words, but I don't pay real attention.

Do you work better alone or in a group? ALONE. I was one of those students in school that was often allowed to work alone when things were meant to be group projects; my teachers liked me and also had faith in my ability to deliver, so they respected how I was comfortable working.

What are 3 essential items you won’t leave the house without? My phone and inhaler are the only real musts. I carry my wallet in my purse too (where my phone and inhaler are too), and it has important cards in there, such as my blood type in case of some wild emergency where I need a blood transfusion and I'm nonresponsive.

Do you enjoy spicy foods? I do.

What is something you want to be remembered for? I advocated for love and peace and kindness towards our planet and all that live in it.

Do you like pickles? I love dill pickles.

What is something you take a lot of pictures of? MY CAT lmfao deadass

What is your favorite thing about the beach? Being in the water. I'm one of those people that love being smacked (but not totally abused lol) by the waves, being tossled a bit and stuff. If reminds me how small I am, how inconsequential my ass is in the giant scope of the universe and even just this single planet. It's VERY freeing from anxiety, I just feel very peaceful when I'm in the ocean. I hate the salty wind, I hate the yucky sand and walking through it and having it stick to your wet body, but being in the ocean is an S-tier experience for me.

Are you afraid of snakes? Not at all, snakes are some of my favorite animals on the planet. Like sure, I'm going to be respectful to venomous species and give them space, but even those I'm not properly "afraid" of.

Do you think frogs are ugly? No, they're cuties!

Name three things that you find refreshing. A nice cold drink, a cool breeze, and the taste of mint.

What is your favorite vegetable? Broccoli or well-prepared green beans.

Do you own any succulents? No, just fake decorative ones. I'd kinda like to try taking care of a real succulent, so long as it was hardy. I don't have full faith in myself with taking care of plants.

What is your least favorite shade of green? That like, puke green color. bleh

Do you like olives? No.

What are three of your favorite insects (or insects that you think look cool)? Butterflies, moths, mantises. I wanna mention ladybugs too, they're so cute, but I think they've gotta come in 4th place.

Would you ever dye your hair green? I have done this before, like a mossy green color and I loved it.

Are you a tea drinker? I hate tea. Any kind I've ever tried.

Do you like mangoes? So I'm funny with mangoes. Mango flavor? It's one of my favorites! But the texture of real mangoes is so fucking repulsive to me, I can't eat them. I was SO disappointed when I tried one the first time.

What’s your hair texture? It's VERY thick. Smooth, I guess. Mostly straight, mild waviness.

Do you play games on your phone? Yeah, I enjoy PokemonGO, DragonVale, Dragons of Atlantis, and Amaru (it's a self-care pet but has "game" traits to it).

Is acting something you’d enjoy? Are you convincing? No, I would feel VERY uncomfortable.

In what ways are you immature? I am very attached to/reliant on my mother.

Are the Olympics something you get into? Not at all.

Chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla milkshake? Chocolate or vanilla, depending on my mood.

What’s something or someone you’ll always defend? Gay rights. Access to safe abortion. Equality of all sorts. Lots of stuff.

[orions-belt-buckle]

Owlscop

The Owl House X Petscop AU

Presentation of the AU

I know what you're thinking. What do TOH and Petscop even have in common ? They're so different ! Well, hear me out, you're in for a treat.

So, I was in the middle of my biannual Petscop hyperfixation not too long after TOH season 3 came out so I was kind of obsessed with both at the same time. I started noticing some similarities between the two and I had an epiphany : they are so similar, in fact, that you can put some TOH characters in the universe and story of Petscop. Interested ?

COLOR CODING : pink colored words are key words linked to Petscop - purple colored words are key words linked to The Owl House. Certain characters have their own colors that may be used.

WARNING : Heavy TOH and Petscop spoilers

Basic principle of the AU

This AU consists in placing some characters from The Owl House inside of Petscop's universe, and in making them follow the original story of Petscop. [Note : since Petscop is a work that leaves a lot to the viewer's interpretation, it's important to know here that I'm using Captain Hype's explanations and theories on Petscop] Owlscop is Petscop, with TOH characters.

This AU comes from the very clear parallels one can make between core aspects of Petscop, and Hunter's story. Mainly, what gave me the idea for this AU is the similarities between the Rebirthing that Care and others go through and Hunter being a Grimwalker, as well as between Marvin's and Belos' crimes.

Similarities between the stories

IN PETSCOP : A Rebirthing is a sort of ritual performed by certain characters of Petscop, which goal is to bring back a dead person by making them "reborn" into another person. This complicated process involves mentally breaking a child beyond repair (from the state A to B to NLM) so that they can then become someone else (the dead person). This process can fail if the child is not willing to go through with it. In Petscop, Marvin Mark is someone who performs multiple Rebirthings on children from his family. Indeed, in his childhood, Marvin was responsible for the disappearance (possible death) of his friend Lina, who he has since been trying to bring back to life obsessively. That's why he started performing Rebirthings. Since the first one he did on his nephew Mike did not work (or at the very least he thinks so) and Mike died (the reason why he died is unclear, but it's certain that Marvin really abused him especially to make him Mike NLM), Marvin turned to his own daughter Care (who he had with Lina's sister Anna and who looks a lot like his deceased friend) to try and bring her back again. But Care's Rebirthing also failed and Marvin was not pleased. This causes the kids a lot of trauma as well as some identity struggles.

IN THE OWL HOUSE : Grimwalkers are people that are created by someone using certain ingredients (it's somewhat of a ritual too). Belos is the one who makes Grimwalkers so that they can serve him. These Grimwalkers all look alike, since they pretty much all share the appearance of Belos' late older brother Caleb. Caleb left Belos because he fell in love with a witch and Belos was... Being kind of a bitch about it honestly, and that's the last they saw of each other. But Belos was still obsessed with his brother and trying to get him back, despite them being estranged and then him dying. That is why he made his many Grimwalkers as a way to get him back. But his creations were never good enough (at least to him) and so he discarded them once he realized they were a failure and made a new one, Hunter being the last one he made. After making Hunter, Belos abused him, using him as a tool and denying him any sort of affection or even real attention while the poor kid was so desperate to prove himself to his beloved uncle, to the point of Hunter feeling like nobody really loves him. Ultimately as Hunter join Luz' crew, Belos deems him a failure too. The former Golden Guard really struggles with his Grimwalker identity.

SIMILARITIES : As you can now see, there are really obvious things in common between TOH and Petscop, that I'm going to explicit even more.

There is a process that is used to somehow bring back a dead person, either by making them reborn into another person (Rebirthing) or by creating someone like them all over again (Grimwalkers).

The person who performs it (Marvin/Belos) abuses children (Mike + Care/Hunter) who are their family members by making them extremely mentally distressed to the point of them thinking they are totally unlovable so that the process can work.

That person is utterly obsessed with the person they are trying to bring back (Lina/Caleb) and the very fact of bringing them back.

That person is responsible for their loss of the person they are trying to bring back, who was very close to them.

They have performed their ritual multiple times, abusing multiple kids (Mike and Care/all the Golden Guards), because they always failed. All the "failed attempts" but the last one died.

The last kid who had to go through this (Care/Hunter) was also a "failed attempt" who is now traumatized and struggling with their identity.

The main theme in both stories (or part of story for TOH) is child abuse and neglect, the trauma that stems from it, and struggles with identity.

Now it should be clear why I think that these two stories have more in common than meets the eye. I think the similarities are so strong, in fact, that it's possible to replace Petscop character by TOH ones, and that's exactly what Owlscop is all about.

I will explain in another post in more detail the correspondances between main characters of the story !

Thank you for reading this, this AU means a lot to me <3

[void-galaxy-shenanigans]

We Don’t Talk About Bruno theories

So I can’t get it out of my head & ended up hyperfixating on Bruno (he VERY quickly became a comfort character)....& I have a few theories about each of the “prophecies” Bruno was damned for based on visuals & hints elsewhere in the film.

So this isn’t even a theory but in All Of You near the end, Bruno apologises to Pepa about her wedding by saying “I’m sorry about your wedding, that wasn’t even a prophecy, I could just see you sweating, and I wanted you to know your bro loves you so....let it out, let it rain let it snow, let it go!” ...He was telling her to go ahead & feel/express her true emotions, which she was trying to hide because Abuela would say it isn’t “perfect”. (Abuela was obsessed with what she deemed safe, & that usually meant control over all her kids & pressure to be perfect & appear always happy, so of course a rainy wedding (though more real because Pepa would rain (cry) when she’s happy) would differ from that image.)

& then the other accusations...

7 foot frame: Camilo was very young when Bruno left & it’s likely the only thing he knows about him is from the family tree & the mural in town, where he looks bigger, & to a little kid scarier, so Camilo remembers him differently.

“my fish would die”: This lady had her goldfish in an empty bowl with just water. There are 2 issues with this: no water filter (she would have to dump the water out by hand & refill it regularly, & Bruno might’ve heard her refuse to do that or told her she’d need to & she didn’t), & no stimulation (as in plants & rocks to play around in, & also friends) & a very small tank (which can kill a fish). She may have also been overfeeding her fish, or unknowingly feeding it something poisonous/toxic to fish, & when Bruno said she was gonna kill the fish she didn’t stop & blamed it on him rather than accepting she could’ve done better. Again, keen observation skills. It wasn’t even a prophecy.

“I'd grow a gut”: This guy might’ve eaten unhealthy amounts or types of food, &/or he was just getting older where it’s very natural to gain weight because hunter-gatherer evolution.

“I'd lose all my hair”: This guy is visibly old. He probably had a receding hairline already & Bruno was observant enough to notice it.

“He told me the life of my dreams would be promised & someday be mine”: This....actually comes true. He might have meant Mirabel was going to make this reality safe for her to pursue (by standing up to Abuela), & could be based on the vision he had about Mirabel.

“He told me my powers would grow like grapes that thrive on the vine”: Isabela does actually grow seemingly more powerful when she finds out she can actually create more than just flowers. Her plants are bigger & stronger than ever, because it’s not coming from fear of Abuela but instead her own glee & freedom. But again this may have been him observing that Abuela was suppressing Isabela’s powers to only use the parts that were acceptable & seemed perfect/beautiful, & realizing someday she would break out of that mold.

“He told me the man of my dreams would be just out of reach, betrothed to another”: If I understood the timeline correctly, Isabela & Dolores were both around dating age when he said this. Which means he may have overheard Abuela talking about how she planned to pair up Mariano with Isabela, & when he realized who Dolores was crushing on was the same person he tried to warn her. (He’s shown to be rather agile & able to sneak around unnoticed by Abuela so it’s possible he snuck up & heard something she said.)

The vision of Mirabel & the house: If you read the tablet left to right like a book, it reads as ‘stage one: Mirabel breaks the house’ & then ‘step two: Mirabel fixes/rebuilds the house’...which is exactly how it goes down. She breaks the house by standing up to Abuela, then repairs the house by making Abuela realize she had stopped loving her familia for themselves & needed to see past their powers & actually see the people as themselves first.

~~

It’s made clear when Bruno does the ritual for Maribel that he can’t just pluck prophecies out of thin air. He needs open space, a ritual circle, lots of sand, & fire to even begin, & his tower was a LOT of stairs that would be ridiculous to climb for something as silly & temporary as a receding hairline. It clearly takes him a lot of effort & thought & focus to see the future...there would be no point wasting his effort. But he was so observant & vocal about what he noticed, & none of his siblings needed rituals to use their powers, & it’s likely none of the villagers (maybe even none of his familia) actually saw him use his abilities so they wouldn’t be able to tell that he isn’t actually using his powers...so people just assumed he was able to do prophecies easily & that his observations doomed them even when those observations were of things they might have control to change.

~~

I just. I have a lot of feelings for this guy. I adore Bruno. I want an uncle/father like him. He gets scapegoated & vilified in that song far too harshly.

Also if you, like me, adore Bruno & have feelings about that song....here’s a couple videos you might like.

This one is a rewrite by a fan theorizing why Bruno saw what he did & defending him

& this one is a reprise from Bruno’s perspective if you want more feelings &/or to cry

~Nico

[solarflareanon]

I have... Thoughts i wish to pour from my head

I fucking love digimon adventures. the first two seasons of digimon. I was reminded of this fact when I heard a snippet of “kids of america” or whatever that song is called and was catapulted back in time to when my siblings and I recorded the dubbed digimon movie on VHS when it aired during the saturday morning time slot reserved for such shows as Pokemon, Cardcaptor, and other anime deemed appropriate for children.

Now. My hyperfixations come and go with the seasons of my life and sometimes the conditions are right that I revisit an old fixation. 

Such has happened in the past with digimon.

Numerous times in the past I have watched specifically the dub of the digimon movie because that brings me a reliable dose of joy to my life. An unspecified long ago I rewatched just the first season of digimon adventures, that being the one i remembered the best and have the most fondness for. Not terribly long ago, although longer than it likely feels, I rewatched the entirety of the first and second seasons of Digimon Adventures and Digimon Tamers for good measure because that season is several flavors of fucked up.

At this point ya’ll are probably going, “wtf do we care about your enduring love of the show digimon?” to which I say this: I have been granted many hours of the day to think about Things and in those hours after reliving my favorite memories of digimon I have formed Some Opinions on how the second season of Adventures could have been better.

Lemme say one last thing before going further, I love the second season of digimon adventures and it has some of my favorite episodes and characters and did a really good time skip, which is why it haunts me so. Also I’ll be using the dub names of the characters because i always watched the dub and that’s what i’m used to. Also Also, it’s been a hot second since I’ve watched the show so this is all based on my memories of what stood out to me from the show.

SO

Biggest thing i wish were different is Who Got Which Egg.

First off the Love Egg? Give that thing to Cody not Yolei! Cody didn’t get as much development as the other characters in my opinion. It seemed like the show was trying to make him a more sensitive Izzy clone, which in my opinion didn’t really work out. A much stronger part of his character was his connection to his family! Multiple times he was shown going to his grandpa for advice and he was shown really cherish that bond. It would have been a great to see that explored more and have that facet of his character shine through in his interactions with the other digidestined as he begins to consider them his family too. They could have had conflict where he realizes that with how tanky his partner digimon is, he might have a responsibility to protect his new family but at the same time doesn’t want his partner to keep getting hurt! I dunno man, but this child is full of love and kindness and I wish the anime had given him the corresponding eggs.

Meanwhile Yolei? Ya’ll guessed it! I’ve been saying it since i first rewatched the show! Give Yolei The Knowledge Egg! She is Brash. She is Curious. She is full of Fire not Love! If the anime had gone down the route of “Oh, she needs to learn to be more Loving(????)” I might have let it slide but No! She mentions having a crush on Popular Kid Ken a few times early on, then it’s dropped! Ya’ll remember that one time Kari was having a panic attack about the dark ocean or whatevs? Yolei slapped the shit outta her to get her to snap out of it! Again, if it was made more clear that came from a place of love and concern and not a “pull yourself together” moment, I’d let it pass. But the Knowledge Egg? That shit’s obvious. She’s literally the techie of the group, connects with Izzy, sticks her nose in everything and the Wings of Knowledge sounds cooler than the drill of knowledge. Sincerity egg is great tho, eggcellent choice.

BiG change comin through! Defo give the Courage egg to Davis, he’s got hot-blooded protagonist juice comin’ out of his ears. But also, give him the Hope egg instead of the Loyalty egg. 

Now Hear Me Out! Think of the character possibilities! Despite his annoyingness, Davis has been shown again and again uplifting other’s spirits, from his friends, to freshly-humbled Ken, to a literal army of digidestined in the finale. A big part of why they won in the finale is because he literally had hope for the future! It could have been a great way to develop him as the leader of the group since that seems to be the role the show was pushing for him anyways.

And tying closely to the above are the egg choices i’d make for my two favorite characters. Kari still should get the Light Egg, but I think it’d be so juicy if TK got the Loyalty egg.

My thoughts on this are that we’ve seen that these two clearly have some baggage from the first time they were in the digital world. TK straight up has ptsd over the time patamon was Murdered In Front Of Him As a Child and Kari’s got some shit goin on with the dark Ocean that is Never Resolved. Wouldn’t it be just so fuckin’ crazy if the show was just like, yeah TK’s having a hard time mustering up any hope for the future right now and just, gave him an arc that was him working through his mental illnesses. There could be these scene’s where Kari’s like “you alright?” and he’s like “apparently not?” and then it’d be so emotional when he gets patamon to digivolve to ultimate using the crest of hope! There’s so much potiential!

But then Kari still gets the Light egg because that’s less a virtue and more just a characteristic that she emits. And because she still get’s her expected egg it takes longer for people to see that oh yeah, Kari’s got lingering trauma too. Then that could be tied into and represented by the dark ocean subplot as it eventually becomes too big of a problem to ignore anymore. Which would be a running theme with Kari from way back in the first season where she keeps putting other’s before herself to the detriment of her own health. Tying in with TK getting the Loyal egg, there’s an episode where he’s the only one who notices Kari’s literally glitching out of reality and is the one who follows her to the dark ocean to try and get her back. It’s already choice, but what if more of that? What if better Yolei and Kari bonding too? (I’m not gonna lie ya’ll it’s getting late and i’m wrapping it up) Like, Yolei is shown to not bottle things up and I feel like being the smartest in the group she could help understand wtf the dark ocean is and would be the most likely to go “bitch! let’s get you some therapy!” and just not give her the chance to keep saying “Im fine.” And that’s a dynamic i wish had been explored more rather than just slapping the two girls together.

That all might be a bit much to ask of a children’s anime. But what’s not too much is how giving him the Loyalty egg would contrast and parallel him to his own brother Matt! Think about it! Later in the season when they get the ability to dna digivolve he and Cody are paired up mostly because they’re the spares; but by by drawing these parallels between Matt and TK across the seasons, it would give him a reason to bond with Cody who is only a little bit older than TK was when he first went to the digimon world. There could be this element of big brother protectiveness and mentorship that would lead him to understanding what his own brother went through mixed with memories of what it was like from the other side and I just think it would make their dynamic more interesting.

*deep inhale*

That’s it for now, my head it 39% emptier and I am tired.

tl:dr I think Digimon Adventure 02 could have had more interesting character arcs and dynamics if they had shuffled who had which digi eggs.

[real-talk-time2004]

I just figured out that I may be autistic

I self diagnosed myself with anxiety during early middle school and got officially diagnosed after I had a massive panic attack at a social event, which finally convinced my family that I was not overreacting; it was not puberty; there was something different about me.

And for a while I was fine, I never did well with making friends anyways and being in large groups and that was fine; I knew this about myself. I have one friend that I tell everything. We share the same interests, hobbies and hyperfixations so I never noticed that I was talking so much about my interests, so much to the point that it was more than normal, because my best friend also had these same interests.

It wasn’t until I met a girl who was self diagnosed with autism and I started seeing a whole new perspective on people with autism, how it affects them, and why this girl had never been diagnosed before. In my lack of experience; I had only heard of people getting diagnosed with autism when they’re around 2-4 years old, and many of them are boys. I took two classes that centered around helping autistic people, but it was just recently that I realized those kids I were helping were kids with very severe autism.

The girl I had just met was not that

And by met I mean I found her on tumblr and I was very interested.

When I get interested in something I search it up and learn as much as I possibly can. That is when I found another woman named Paige Layle, a 20 year old autistic woman living in Canada. She made shirt tiktok videos and YouTube videos about her autism and her perspective on many issues surrounding autism.

The more she talked about her symptoms and why she wasn’t diagnosed with autism until she was 15 made me even more interested in the topic. However the more I watched her videos, the weirder I felt.

She was talking about things that I felt, but I never told anyone. All the symptoms that I could never explain; most of which I thought were normal kid things, but they weren’t. It was then I heard her talk about masking (or otherwise known as camouflage).

It’s why so many autistic teens (mainly girls) are not diagnosed with autism until later in their life.

One of the main things I learned about autism is that autistic people or people with autism don’t understand societal norms or cues, however they can copy them. This is mainly stemed from childhood trauma of not fitting in or being bullied because of autistic stims or tics that autistic children do; that are not considered normal in society.

So to fit in with the rest of society, autistic children learn how to copy what society deems as exceptable. This allows them to appear neurotypical when in reality their symptoms are still there; they’re just hidden from society.

I have spent weeks researching this and taking multiple different tests and I realized most of the information I put on this post is my own personal experience.

I have not spoken to many autistic people, I don’t understand how it feels to others or how I look to other people. But in the recent events I feel as if my brain is tired of masking and of trying to understand why society deems things as acceptable or unacceptable.

My symptoms have started to shine through the mask I created that I didn’t even know was created in the first place until someone with a similar story said “hey I have autism and this is who I am”

If you are autistic as well, let me know if you also feel these things. No matter how much research or studying I do, I can never truly understand how it feels to other people.

I’m not asking for your help or your pity. I don’t want people to feel bad for me because I am still a person. Even if I do have autism; that is not all of me.

I am asking for your guidance, for your stories and symptoms and that may be too much to ask (I honestly have no clue) but at least give me the benefit of the doubt

Be honest, because I can’t read your mind. I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic or not, or if you’re hinting at something.

I am embracing myself

This is going to be a long journey

But I hope I find something along the way

-Kay

[heartsawaken]

underneath  the  read  more  you  will  find  headcanons  that  have   collected   in   my  mind  lately   of   my   muse  ,  elijah  baek  ,   a  twenty - five  year  old university  student  .

✶  grew  up  struggling  to  connect  with  his  classmates  .  he  had  similar  interests  of  the  kids  his  age  (  bugs  ,  dinosaurs  ,  animals  ,  arts  and  crafts  ,  etc  .  )  but  he  tended  to  take  an  extreme  interest  them  and  left  him  wanting  to  learn  everything  possibly  about  them  .  most  kids  were  just  interested  in  finding  a  caterpillar  ,  not  about  their  scientific  and  common  name  ,  life  span  ,  and  if  they  turned  into  a  specific  type  of  butterfly  or  not  .  he  was  often  deemed  ‘  weird  ‘  for  his  nearly  obsessive  interest  in  things  .

✶  his  hyperfixation  on  things  growing  up  has  made  him  a  walking  encyclopedia  .  he  has  a  very  good  memory  ,  especially  for  things  that  interest  him  .  pretty  much  has  a  fun  fact  to  give  out  every  day  and  most  of  the  time  it’s  relating  to  the  current  conversation  ,  but  sometimes  when  there’s  silences  and  they  begin  to  make  him  uncomfortable  he  throws  out  some  of  the  most  random  things  in  an  effort  to  break  the  silence  .

✶  very  easily  startled  and  flinches  at  any  raised  ,  angered  voice  .  growing  up  he  was  often  the  target  of  his  father’s  constant  yelling  about  his  lack  of  trying  in  everything  and  inability  to  excel  in  sports  .  his  dad  had  thought  having  a  son  would  mean  somebody  who  would  play  football  and  wrestle  in  high  school  ,  join  the  military  and  be  a  mini  version  of  him  and  instead  he  got  a  shy  bookworm  who  refused  to  exert  himself  in  any  way  because  it  meant  sweating  .

✶  has  recently  began  questioning  his  career  path  .  ( courtesy  of  river  and  @threesofcup​  )  he’s  currently  an  english  education  major  with  plans  of  working  as  an  esol  teacher  in  the  states  or  as  an  english  teacher  in  another  country  BUT  now  is  wondering  if  he  should  possibly  look  into  a  psychology  and  /  or  criminology  route  because  of  his  slightly  worrisome  interest  in  serial  killers  and  the  inner  workings  of  their  minds  .

✶  his  closet  consists  of  a  lot  of  neutral  colors  ,  plain  colored  tees  and  hoodies  ,  sweaters  that  he  can  pull  over  collared  shirts  ,  black  ripped  jeans  ,  plaid  pants  , grandpa  cardigans  ,  fun  socks  ,  boat  shoes  ,  backless  loafers  ,  and  oxfords  .  he  owns  a  pretty  decent  amount  of  high  brand  clothing  but  all  has  been  bought  second  hand  off  from  second  hand  shops  and  apps  such  as  poshmark  and  depop  

✶  does  not  have  his  license  .  his  father  parents  did  not  think  he  needed  one  since  his  older  sister  had  one  and  could  drive  him  to  school  and  then  that  he  had  friends  who  could  after  she  graduated  .  he  keeps  meaning  to  get  one  but  between  school  ,  internships  and  bulking  up  his  future  resume  he  just  has  never  found  the  time  to  .  back  at  home  he  rides  a  bike  everywhere  and  it  works  just  fine  since  he  lives  so  close  to  campus  and  there’s  never  parking  anyways  (  so  he’s  been  told  .  )

✶  he  jokingly  tells  people  that  he  needs  at  least  twenty - four  to  forty - eight  hours  to  prepare  for  outings  but  he  isn’t  actually  joking  .  he  suffers  from  social  anxiety  and  literally  has  to  build  himself  up  and  mentally  prepare  himself  for  things  especially  when  it  involves  large  crowds  . 

✶  he  gets  overwhelmed  in  crowded  ,  loud  and  rowdy  places  very  easily  and  often  can  go  only  about  an  hour  before  he  needs  to  get  away  and  find  somewhere  quiet  to  decompress  .  growing  up  this  drove  his  mom  crazy  because  —  like  clockwork  —  about  an  hour  in  at  the  mall  or  when  grocery  shopping  or  at  school  or  family  events  ,  elijah  would  be  ready  to  go  or  have  a  meltdown  if  they  didn’t  . 

✶  can  solve  a  rubix  cube  in  under  five  minutes  .

✶  all  around  a  very  intelligent  young  man  .  he  enjoyed  learning  and  sharing  that  knowledge  .  he  tutors  back  home  as  his  main  source  of  income  and  usually  is  the  one  to  set  up  small  study  groups  for  his  classes  .  if  it  weren’t  for  him  his  roommate  would  probably  failed  out  of  all  his  classes  .

✶  very  organized  and  has  beautiful  small  block  handwriting  .  carries  a  planner  with  him  in  his  messenger  bag  and  if  it  isn’t  on  his  person  when  plans  are  made  he  puts  it  into  his  phone  and  then  writes  it  down  in  his  planner  when  he  gets  ahold  of  it  .  he  uses  it  too  and  it’s  basically  his  lifeline  .  his  planner  is  also  every  girl’s  dream  :  color  coded  with  fancy  typography  and  stickers  .  he’s  quite  proud  of  it  . 

✶  elijah’s  body  loves  to  give  away  when  he’s  embarrassed  .  the  tips  of  his  ears  get  red  easily  as  does  his  face  .  normally  focused  mainly  across  his  cheeks  though  and  he  hates  it  .  hides  his  face  in  his  hands  ,  turns  his  face  away  or  drops  his  head  when  he  can  feel  it  heating  up  .

✶  nervous  habits  include  :  biting  and  /  or  picking  at  his  nails  ,  holding  himself  with  his  arms  across  his  waist  and  shoulders  hunch  ,  and  rubbing  the  fabric  of  his  sleeves  between  his  thumb  and  pointer  finger  .  many  sweaters  he  owns  now  sport  a  thumb  hole  in  them  because  he’s  worn  the  fabric  down  so  much  .  

✶  on  top  of  being  fluent  in  english  and  korean  ,  he  also  is  proficient  in  japanese  ,  working  proficient  in  mandarin  as  well  as  spanish  .  this  has  a  lot  to  do  with  the  fact  that  he  had  a  huge  interest  in  different  languages  starting  when  he  was  four  years  old  and  his  mother  wanted  to  push  that  interest  knowing  that  being  fluent  in  multiple  languages  is  extremely  profitable  when  looking  for  a  job  .  

✶  a  master  of  destruction  .  things  just  .  .  .  break  when  he’s  around  because  he’s  1)  clumsy  and  2)  adamant  that  he  was  cursed  as  a  while  .  he  has  two  left  feet  and  when  things  get  in  the  way  of  his  tripping  they  usually  break  .  he  is  constantly  having  to  get  the  glass of  his  phone  replaced  because  of  dropping  it  and  refusing  to  get  an  otterbox  because  they’re  ugly  .

[dustyembrace]

I've decided to switch from #Goblincore

Hey. So there has been a TON of discourse in the goblincore community surrounding the harmful portrayal of Jewish people as goblins. For me, and for every other person I know who has identified with this culture of being "goblin" it has been absolutely nothing of the sort, and personally has actually helped me in so many ways.

Before I continue, I just want to say that this is in no way me saying that people who are uncomfortable with the goblincore community because of the antisemitic background of goblins should feel guilty or invalid in feeling such a way, nor am I trying to gain sympathy in talking about my past and current struggles. I also do not hope that this is seen as an excuse, but rather as an explaination, and furthermore, an apology. I would just like to clear the air a bit and explain why the goblincore community has been helpful to me as a way to further communicate to the Jewish community that this blog was never meant to be a form of aggression, mockery, or hate, (and why it has taken a little while for me to switch this blog's content.) Despite it being a good and loving community for me, as a goyim I know it so not my place to say what is and is not antisemitic, which is why I refuse to argue against the antisemitic connotation many feel it has. (The same way I can not define what is and is not racist, as I am white.) I do, however, feel like I need to give this community a proper goodbye.

So let me start by saying this: I used to feel really, really bad about myself because of how "weird" everyone told me I was.

One way that the goblin community has helped me feel okay, is in my weird habits. I've been "collecting" (or as the goblincore community calls it, "hoarding") since I was around 14 because I didn't have a lot of love in my life, and even fewer loving people, so finding things like stray marbles, pretty rocks, shiny bottle caps, etc was my way of putting love into things that I knew no one else would love. Because I knew what it felt like. But of course not many in my life would see it that way, and I was ridiculed by my family and friends for the excitement and happiness these tiny things gave me, as well as the love I expressed for these things. Being in the goblincore community made me realize I was not alone in this.

I have also had many issues with accepting interests and hobbies of mine, rather than seeing them as something embarrassing. Not only do I like to collect things that wouldn't matter to most people, but I also enjoy dressing up in the tackiest and ugliest clothes I can find. I like putting random colors of acrylic paint on my face in no appealing manner. I get so excited and happy at times that I don't know what to do other than jump and run and yell (what a lot of people call "going feral" which is something I know a lot of people in the goblin community do, and also the first place for me to learn and see this term.) As a goblin, I was allowed to like bugs, frogs, rats, and slimey things that people in my real life could not ever understand, but other people, who just happen to use the term "goblin" to describe themselves, did. These are all things that I used to hate myself for, wishing I didn't like doing these things and that they didn't make me as happy as they do so I could be "normal," but seeing other people loving to do the same thing and putting a word to them gave me confidence and comfort in doing them. I finally felt allowed to like things simply for the sake of liking them.

Though, goblincore has probably helped me most with my appearance. To be "goblin," you can be so not conventionally attractive, and it didn't matter in any way because goblin isn't about what you look like, it's about how you feel. To be "goblin," your body shape doesn't matter. Your height and weight (something I've been personally insecure about for as long as I can remember,) don't matter. You can get dirty and messy, and it wouldn't matter. You could have weird physical features and it wouldn't matter. These would all just be something else to add to the ever growing list of all things "goblin." On top of all of these things, the people in this community see nothing wrong with being "ugly," and can find beauty in the things society deems ugly. I've been struggling with body dysmorphia since last school year, but being in a community that made looking ugly and weird and different seem so okay, and even GOOD at plenty of times, in a way and to an extent I had never seen before asisted me in becoming more accepting of my body for what it is. I do of course still struggle with my appearance, but being in this community has helped me realize that it's okay to look the way I view myself. That it really REALLY doesn't matter.

To be honest...in a way, it was a way for me to escape the stressful ways of life. Appearance and money and society and people. As embarrassing as it is for me to admit, my brain created a whole fantasy world of being green with big, floppy ears, living in a swamp. A world where I don't have as unhealthy of a body as I do and that I could run and jump and climb like most people. It was a escape, and it helped me to de-stress BIG time.

And tumblr was the only place where I could express my extreme love for these countless little trinkets I keep in organized boxes and chests in my room and actually have people listen (and agree!). Tumblr was the only place I could talk about how all of these things most people deem "gross" were actually nice and made me happy. Tumblr let me share my drawings and idea of this fake world and my wacky clothing and I was finally alright with expressing these things instead of bottling them all up where the world couldn't ever see them.

I know this all probably sounds stupid to and will be dismissed by all of the people who don't get it. But it's the same reason some people age regress. It helps in some ways cosplaying and hyperfixating both do. And just because some people don't get it doesn't mean it's not valid.

It is because of all of these things that I will not judge anyone who chooses to stay in the community, and I would not ever send hate to anyone who does so. (Nor will I break mutuals!)

But I've been feeling so completely torn up by guilt for continuing this blog, as I know this blog is only where I express these things, and it's existence will not change how I view myself, nor how I live my life. But to think that the way I have chosen to express all of the weird things about myself no one has ever accepted before, and to think that the vocabulary I have chosen to put to my strange habits is also hurting other people, sending and spreading a harmful message, and making Jewish people think I am unsafe pains me. More than having to bottle this all up again would. At least until I find a better and more appropriate outlet (art, writing, something I can keep more to myself) to express these things.

It is this want I have for the Jewish community to feel comfortable online that I will be switching this blog away from being specifically goblin, to be a combination of naturecore, crowcore, and also some ghostcore (as I've been beginning to resonate with that now, as well,) as a way to do my own part to let Jewish people know they are accepted.

Thank you, Goblincore Community, for helping me feel okay in my own being and skin after all these years of struggling to do just that. I now know, that none of these things make me all that "weird," that I don't owe anyone an explaination as to why these things make me happy, and most importantly: that I am not alone. I will never forget the joy I felt the day I found this community and couldn't help but think, and ask, over and over again "There's other people like me?"

But it is time I find a way to express it differently and use non-harmful vocabulary in doing so. Thank you if you read this far.

- the kid formerly known as 'goblin-gum' on tumblr dot com.

(Please no discourse in the comments. I was very genuine, and I tried my absolute best to be respectful and kind to both view points in this post. If you think something I said was disrespectful in some way, please let me know so I can fix my error(s).)

[izzymeadows]

Wow this is doing numbers. Thanks for having good taste tumblr people lol

Anyways as I love rambling and I’m hyperfixated on them, be it as a family or as part of the series (or both), I want to talk a bit about what they mean to me.

Starting with Joyce, the first thing I thought was something along the lines of “it’s Winona Ryder, I’m gonna love her regardless how she is”. I wouldn’t have probably loved her had she been more on the Lonnie kind of parent tho. Fortunately for me and my big sort-of need for loving families in fiction, she’s the living embodiment of a mama bear. During the first season she’s deemed as crazy, even by her own son (can’t blame Jonathan tho), but never wavers in her determination and is willing even to go into an unknown different dimension to find and save her lost child. As a mom friend, I wish I had half the guts she has. As an outcast, I would have loved to have a mother like her (not like mine was bad, but Joyce is way more willing to show her love to her children and I could have used that). If I were to have (most probably foster) children, I would want to be the kind of parent Joyce is.

The few moments she shared with Eleven? I felt so warm, more so when I thought Joyce was the first adult ever to show El affection and support. When El was in the pool trying to contact Will and Barb, I looked more into Joyce’s words and actions than anything, how she told El she didn’t have to do it if she didn’t want to, and how she held her and encouraged her and thanked her. How she’s so sensitive and sweet and nurturing, and so strong and fierce at the same time.

Then I watched the second season and oh my. I loved Bob, I loved their relationship, I loved how happy Joyce looked. Even when still doing her mama bear job, by shouting at the doctors for not helping Will. I almost cried watching Bob’s death, not only because I really liked Bob, but also because of Joyce. Think of her having just lost her lover and facing the possibility of losing her child. Again. No wonder the exorcism scene is so tense. The hug between her and her children then was so sad and beautiful at the same time.

Let’s go with Jonathan. Despite being weirded out by him taking photos of Nancy when she was with Steve, I kinda get him on that. Must be hard to be him, and bless Nancy for being an overall good and kind person, because most girls wouldn’t have been so forgiving, I think. But idk, Jonathan doesn’t have it easy. It doesn’t mean the stalking thing wasn’t wrong, it means he probably didn’t know what to do to approach her. I mean, when Will asks him about him not having friends, we all know he’s mostly right, and that’s also a good character establishment moment, because Will doesn’t even think about why Jonathan doesn’t seem to have friends.

And I think that’s exactly what Jonathan wants. He wants Will to be a kid, he wants him to grow as careless as possible, and to do that, he basically doubled as father and big brother. Jonathan is, above all, a loving soul. Everything he does in the two seasons I watched, he does it for love. Yes, even stalking Nancy. He wouldn’t have done it if he didn’t like her. He’s not always right, but his heart is undoubtedly in the right place.

Also his photos were key to his and Nancy’s discovery of the monster, and the fact that Joyce was right all along, and he just went with it. That thing had his brother, let’s destroy it.

The flashbacks with him taking care of Will are so sweet. He played music loud to keep his little brother from hearing their parents fighting, and then he told him to be himself and all. Jonathan just took all the guilt Will felt for not being what his dad wanted him to be, and placed it where it belonged: on Lonnie. Oh, and also when he went to Lonnie’s house and also fought him, and finished giving him a copy of the missing child poster, “just in case he forgot how his own child looked like”. You didn’t need to kill him Jonathan (yes he did).

Fighting Joyce about Will’s supposed death? He was trying to help her and give his brother a proper funeral. Gods the scene when he’s trying to choose the casket broke my heart. He looks so lost.

When he fought Steve? I remember what Flo (was it Flo?) told Nancy, “only love makes you that crazy”, but she thought it was love for Nancy, when it was love for Will. It’s love either way.

Then we go to the second season, when he’s just there for Nancy all the time. He drives her home when she gets wasted at the party, he supports her when she’s mourning her friend and he goes with her in her “justice for Barb” mission. He never thinks of himself.

And hey, he needed Murray to push him to actually admit his feelings for Nancy and do something about them because he was putting her first. Jonathan is a sweetheart. Maybe he doesn’t always do what’s correct, but god damn knows he tries.

Again with the exorcism scene, the moment when he’s trying to stop Joyce and ends up clinging to Nancy because he can’t stand watching his brother in pain? SOBS. Big bro goals.

And then comes Will. My son, my baby. The first things we know about him are he’s insecure (doubting about what to do against Demogorgon in the game), that he thinks of the others before himself (he chose to attack to protect his friends instead of covering just himself), and that he’s a honest child (he tells Mike his failed roll).

In other words, I watched the first scene and went “oh no it’s me”. Bonus points for when I saw he draws, and more bonus points because my birthday is a day after his lmao talk about coincidence.

Anyways, it’s not that why I love Will Byers. He’s a good kid, he’s endearing, he’s smart. I like his doe eyes and his small frame, I want to hug him *flips table*. He awakens all my protection instincts. Which is kind of fun because, again in the first episode, we see he’s not actually a defenseless victim. I mean, he was able to take and load the gun without panicking. You need guts to do that. Also note that the demogorgon only did catch him in the end. When Eleven contacted him, he was still hiding, and it was when Joyce and Hopper found him bound and with that monster thing in his mouth when the audience knew he had been caught. This kid survived a week in a toxic, hostile environment without food or water. I’m looking forward to read The Other Side comic to find out how the fuck he did it. Yes, I admire Will Byers.

And then he came back to life, in one of the most heartbreaking scenes in both seasons I watched, with Joyce hugging him and begging him to wake up, and Hopper having flashbacks of his dead daughter, and I almost cried again, and then we see him in the hospital and the first thing he says is “are you ok?” because he saw Jonathan’s bandaged hand. He’s so sweet.

And then he spends all the second season hiding his episodes all he can, and trying to look ok, because he doesn’t want to worry anyone, even when he’s possessed. He was there all the time, seeing himself do things he would never do, even when the mindflayer took the control for good, and then he was willing to die to stop it. It’s heartbreaking and at the same time, it makes me love him more.

Also it was funny when that girl asked him to dance in the Snow Ball and he looked at Mike like “please help”, so Mike pushed him, but I think Will looked like he didn’t want to go. Why was he practicing with Joyce earlier then, we don’t know lol

Idk, Will resonates with me in a lot of ways, not only because of the few, superficial similarities, because he’s just the kind of person I want to be. He’s brave, smart and kind, he’s actually way stronger than he looks and he cares a lot about his people. He just wanted to be a child and play with his friends and all the shit comes his way, and he still keeps going on and being soft and cute and a baby. Maybe because after being literally not himself, while possessed by the mindflayer, he absolutely needs to go back to what he was before? Which would be a perfect explanation for what little I know about him in the 3rd season.

I was gonna say I was sorry for all this, but I’m not. I really needed to talk about this family, they mean a lot to me and I don’t really have anyone to talk to (at least not so much lol).

I don't really know if I'm hyperfixated on Stranger Things or on the Byers family, because Jonathan and Will have EXACTLY my favourite sibling dynamic, and Joyce is the best mom ever. Gods I love this family SO MUCH.

[7-oh-ta1]

Honestly I could go on and on about how Yoshiki's original design is waaaay better than modern Yoshiki. He was such a perfect asshole. He had a very special type of charm but it was thrown away in favor of the more modern"bad boy" Yoshiki design. All I'm going to say is that not a lot of people would be so forgiving of Yoshiki's shitty actions/ attitudes if he wasn't design to be a pretty boy like he is nowadays.

FOR REAL‼️

The thing is, people usually know that I'm a modern Yoshiki hater. But what they forget is that I USED TO BE A HUGE YOSHIKI STAN. I've never lied and said I wasn't, I just don't think they want to believe me. But I was!!! From 6-9th grade I would sign my homework and TEST PAPERS (as long as it wasn't standardized testing lol) as "Lindsay Kishinuma". All my teachers knew, all my friends knew, my whole family knew -- Yoshiki is one of earliest hyperfixations that I can remember!! I soaked up every bit of lore on him I could get my greedy hands on, I had the BIGGEST crush on him and I wanted the world to KNOW. I went on and on and ON about him until my mom had ENOUGH. I thought he was soooooo hot. That lasted from 6th grade to 11th 🥴

So believe me when I say I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A YOSHIKI STAN. I know the defensiveness and the tone used. I know the HATRED of Ayumi and thinking she was the dumbest bitch alive for not returning his affections in a manner I, a 13 y/o, deemed appropriate. I know the intense need to make Ayu*hiki happen, to make Ayumi fall in love with him and give him his happily ever after. And it's so. So. SO.

Childish.

Because I was a kid! So I thought childish things. But when I got older and obtained the ability to look critically at the things I love... I started seeing the things I didn't want to see. I paid careful attention not to Ayumi's reactions to him and how that made him feel, but his reactions to Ayumi. I started wondering what kind of best friend sees their bestie as a nuisance and roadblock when Satoshi only treats him with compassion? What kind of potential lover only shows up to events he knows the object of his fancy will attend and skirts around them? What kind of noble protector actively tries to take away their protectee's agency? What kind of white knight yells in your face when you're scared?

And that's when it all fell through for me. That's when I ended my obsession with this character. I had projected and made him out to be this protector who would sweep me off my feet and give me a cheeky grin, maybe smoke a cigarette because he doesn't give a damn about what's expected of him, help me escape from the life I was living and pretend I was different from the other girls. But my projection is not real character analysis, it's just the dreams of a little child. It actually holds no weight in canon ? And it took me a long time to realize that with him even though I already knew that with the others.

So yeah, Yoshiki was special to me and it prevented me from seeing his character properly, and I think that's where a lot of the white knights for Yoshiki get their passion. Because I was there too once. But now I think he's a better character when you allow him to have his flaws and be a pain in the ass. Let him make crude jokes, maybe make an offhand comment like high school boys do. I much prefer that to a white knight protector whose whole character is based around one relationship and how much one pities him.