#my favorite emotionally charged song and it just felt like she was trying to keep pace with the tempo and not actually care like it’s not | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #387

“today i woke up, & i hate myself”

What common problem have you never experienced? The loss of a close family member (that doesn't include pets). Alternatively, what's an uncommon problem you have experienced? Homelessness. Do you know anyone who opposes marriage equality? I sure do. What was the last thing you got really emotional about? Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty premiering. What's the longest amount of time you've been ill for? I don't really know. I don't get sick a lot at all. Who is your closest male friend? Girt. Do you know anyone who hunts for meat? Sadly. I say "sadly" because it's not like they need it. Have you ever lived with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Yes, although I wasn't a technical resident. I was there all the time, though. What do you wash dishes with? Sponge, scrub brush, rag, something else? A sponge. Is there anything you prefer to do the old-fashioned way? There's probably something, but I can't think of anything. Do you put your glasses and mugs right side up or upside down on the cabinet shelf? Upside-down. What was the worst part of your childhood? My parents fighting. Have you ever seen a high school relationship last long-term? (like 10+yrs) Yeah. Do you know any cancer survivors? Quite a few. Leftover pizza for breakfast... yay or nay? Good shit, man. Do you personally know anyone who's a psychopath or sociopath? I don't think so. What is your most used kitchen appliance? Lately, it's been the apple slicer. I've been on a real apple slices + peanut butter kick lately. What is something that you would personally like to be remembered for? For being a caring person towards all living things. Have you ever been diagnosed as clinically depressed before? Yes. Do you like bowling? Yeah, it's fun. Do you own binoculars or nonoculars? What do you use them for? No. Do you ever wish you had a telescope on the roof or attic to stargaze? Yeah, that'd be cool. Have you ever had to deal with someone close to you going off to war? No, thankfully. Who do you feel you have the most in common with? Sara, easily. Who in your life causes you the most stress or negative feelings? My damn self lmao. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No. My parents didn't grow up in NC. What’s one thing that people definitely CAN’T count on you for? To remember like... anything. What about something they definitely can count on you for? Someone to listen to encourage them. What’s one food that you want to try but haven’t yet? I've always thought macaroons look good. Do you have anything planned for the summer? No. Do you walk fast or slow? Slow. Would you consider yourself an adrenaline junkie? No. What is a common slang word from where you live? Plural "you" does not exist. It's "y'all," lol. What’s the scariest thing you’ve accidentally found on the internet? *shrug* Probably something as a kid, going on those sketchy websites with loads of games and stuff. Thinking of every Halloween costume you’ve had, which one was the most creative? I don't think I've had any creative costumes for Halloween. What’s one random city you want to visit? It's not exactly "random" as it's a popular location, but anyway, I would love to visit Venice. What subjects do you or did you get the worst grades in? Math. When was the last time you ate cake and what type of cake was it? That's a good question, actually. Maybe my niece's birthday in February? I don't remember what kind of cake it was. Do you have photos to go with all of the contacts in your phone? No; I don't have any. Do you like snowy winter days or do you prefer rainy days? SNOWY! Name 3 things you find most beautiful in nature: Mountains, large waterfalls, and desert dunes in the wind. If you could ask one person one questions and get a completely honest answer who would it be and what would you ask? Jason. I'd ask if he thought I was emotionally abusive. What is your favorite winter activity? Building snowmen. Who is the greatest singer who is no longer living? Freddie Mercury. What is your idea of heaven? I don't know, really... I have to ask myself IS there a heaven in eternity? Living forever just... doesn't appeal to me. "Living" is an odd word to use there, but hopefully you get it. Existing on and on and on and on seems like it'd just be a drag, but at the same time I do like the thought of feeling relentlessly happy and peaceful with my loved ones. I guess that would be my definition of it, if it does exist. What’s one of the scariest things you’ve ever done? ODed. Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through? Just once, on my 16th birthday because I was at Jason's place and all of his family was watching it. I had absolutely zero interest, but we wanted to hang with the family. If you had to move to another country, where would you move? Canada. Do you watch American Horror Story? I haven't in years. It was Jason's and my first "show," and the first season was excellent. I lost interest in the second one, honestly. I'd be up for watching other seasons, though. How many relationships have you been in this year? None. What's your favorite cereal? Probably Cinnamon Toast Crunch. That's also the only cereal where I can happily drink the milk afterwards. Twitter or Facebook? Facebook. Do you like to paint your nails? No. What's the coolest place you've ever been to? Disney World, probably. Have you ever punched anyone? No. What's something you wish you knew how to do? Cook. :/ I really need to make an effort to learn. It'd be great to not rely on a microwave for the rest of my life. What's a celebrity that everyone likes but you don't? *shrug* What food do you eat the most? Probably bread in some form or another. That really needs to stop. Green or purple grapes? Either one, but they have to be firm. I cannooooooot with soft grapes. Have you ever cried over a text? Yeah. What's the background of your phone of? My lock screen is this pretty, simplistic periwinkle color with "work on you for you" written on it. It's one I plan on keeping for probably a long time because I connect to it so deeply with my stupid damn head frequently demanding I have to improve "for Jason" to prove him wrong. Which is a very unhealthy mindset to have, I know. My home screen is a cute lil Mark edit someone made with a very similar pale blue background, so my phone is just currently an #aesthetic. Do you have a Snapchat? No. What's your favorite sports team? (if you like sports)? I don't like sports, but I'm biased towards the Carolina Hurricanes hockey team because of my dad. Last thing you ate? I had Honey Nut Cheerios for breakfast. Do you take a lot of selfies? Definitely not. I just hate how I look so much; it takes way too much effort for me to get an "acceptable" one. Do you prefer strawberries or cherries? Strawberries. I hate cherries. How many hours of sleep did you get last night? Maybe like, three. -_- Our A/C is still out, and it was like, 87 in the house last night. It was impossible to sleep. Do you listen to music daily? Not EVERY day, but usually. Biggest insecurity? My weight. Do you play video games? Not as much as I used to. I'd probably play way more if I actually had a PS4 + the games I'm DYING to have. Do you consider yourself lazy? "Yes, but a lot of it is also health related for my lack of energy and motivation." <<<< This for me as well. What recently made you laugh? I was watching a bit of The Nanny with Mom yesterday. We love that show. Do you like gummy bears? Yep. What was the last song you listened to? I'm randomly hooked on "My Nocturnal Serenade" by YOHIO. Like, I've known the song for a long time, but NOW I'm bingeing it???? Describe your mom with one word. Selfless. What's the biggest turn-off? Probably being misogynistic. But being a cocky ass is definitely high up there, too. What fish scares you the most? Mfkng whale sharks terrify me. How do you feel about snails? They're cuties!!! What's your favorite app? Pokemon GO. Would you rather time travel into the past or future? The future, to see what's coming. I feel like you could come back with some pretty valuable information. What is the saddest song you've ever heard? I think "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade has to come on top. What insect do you hate the most? I was reminded that stag beetles exist last night, and omfg those. Well, "hate" is the wrong word, really, I'm just terrified of them. Would you ever have a wild animal as a pet if possible? I 110% want to rescue an opossum, emphasis on "rescue." I'm not plucking one from the wild or anything like that. I would be in HEAVEN raising one of those angels. Are there any decorations that makes you happy? (lights, candles, plants..) I love those beds decorated with fairy lights, and just Christmas lights in general. Halloween and Christmas decor tend to give me sparks of happiness when I see 'em. Does race matter to you when it comes to dating? Not at all for me. When was the last time you painted something? Not since I was still in school and took a Painting course. When was the last time you really felt alive, and what were you doing? I have NO idea. What is one question you would like an answer to? Why the worst things tend to happen to good people. Name one favorite thing to do with kids while babysitting. I don't babysit, but if I was to be in charge of a kid, I'd love to teach them to play video games from my childhood. Playing Pokemon with my niece and nephew is always a blast, ahhhh. Name one flavor you like. Strawberry is pretty consistent. Name one thing you are hoping for. Venus' new terrarium soon... big sigh. I can't for the life of me find one that's a reasonable price and also adequately sized. I'm willing to put the rest of my cash into it, but Mom is helping, so I can't just buy the first one I see. Then I'd need more substrate, I seriously want a temperature gun and hygrometer, a cool hide, sticks and stuff for cover... It's going to be expensive, but I want Venus to have a truly proper environment she can thrive in. Write the name of one of your imaginary friends from when you were younger. Oddly enough, I can't remember the imaginary wolf that was my "friend." I say "oddly" because his whole idea was important to me as a weird-ass kid. Name one girl's name that starts with a "J" that you like. "Justine." Name one boy's name that starts with a "J" that you like. Maybe "Jaxson." Have you ever been kissed? Yeah. Have you ever feared that you would be killed? It's never been like, a fear I actively worry about. I just acknowledge it's always a possibility for anyone. What is the last great opportunity you missed? This was quite a while ago by now, but I'd say by dropping out of school, I really let photography opportunities slip since I became the newspaper photographer...

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''under the graveyard'' by ozzy osbourne

3 notes · View notes

ofmargos · 4 years

Text

chicago’s very own margo rosas has been spotted on madison avenue , with a striking semblance to camila mendes ! you may know them as @margo or hitting the front page of tmz as margo rosas is making her comeback on broadway ! according to tmz , you just had your twenty-third birthday bash . your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re overdramatic , but being passionate might help you . things that would paint a better picture of you would be the sound of stilettos hitting the pavement , the thunderous sound of applause , and having the poise of a well-mannered lady but the mouth of a sailor . ( cis female + she / her )

omg hey y’all it’s ya girl lia back at it again with the broadway b*tch herself , margo ! fun fact : i’ve been writing for margo off n on for THREE years ?? that’s wild . no matter what i do i cannot get rid of this muse akjsdnk but i love her and i hope y’all do too ! under the cut is far too much info on her ( i’m sorry it’s long !! ) pls go ahead and give this post a like if you give me consent to come bug you in the im’s / discord ! <3

*+:｡.｡ 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐒 ｡.｡:+*

–;; 𝐅𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐍𝐚𝐦𝐞: Margaret Lucia Rosas – ;; 𝐍𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞(𝐬): Margo ( preferred name ), Mars, Mar, Pain in the Ass, Drama Queen – ;; 𝐀𝐠𝐞: Twenty-Three – ;; 𝐃.𝐎.𝐁: 31 October 1997 – ;; 𝐙𝐨𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐜: Scorpio sun, scorpio moon, leo asc ( yikes ) – ;; 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫: Cis Female – ;; 𝐎𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧: Bisexual Biromantic – ;; 𝐇𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭: 5ft 2 – ;; 𝐁𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞: Chicago, IL – ;; 𝐂𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐋𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬: Luxurious apartment in Manhattan – ;; 𝐎𝐜𝐜𝐮𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧: Singer / Songwriter + Broadway Performer ( Julia Michaels VC ) – ;; 𝐓𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐬: Passionate, creative, dramatic, distrusting, outgoing, ambitious, fun-loving, loyal, daring, sarcastic, stubborn, overconfident, impulsive, hard-working, petty, secretive, short-tempered, vindictive

*+:｡.｡ 𝐁𝐈𝐎𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐏𝐇𝐘 ｡.｡:+*

*TW: undiagnosed illness, death

grew up as an only child in chicago, illinois. her family was definitely in the middle class but her parents both worked hard to provide their pride and joy with everything she could’ve wanted out of life

and it became apparent early on that what margo wanted was to perform. she was always singing around the house, putting on one-woman shows for her parents, and following along to the choreography of her favorite DCOM on tv. and in order to keep her satisfied, and also out of the house while they were both working, her parents threw her into an abundance of performing arts classes: ballet, tap, and jazz classes + singing lessons + acting workshops-- you name it. it was a very expensive hobby but her parents were willing to put in the extra work hours to fund her passions

she honestly grew up blissfully unaware of the sacrifices her parents were making on her behalf. they just never made her feel like she was inconveniencing them in any way. if she wanted to spend her day turn acting, singing, and dancing then so be it. they supported her emotionally and financially 100%

*ILLNESS TW* but the rose-tinted glasses were ripped from her eyes around the age of fourteen / fifteen. her mom had always had a weak immune system-- the first one to catch a cold or the flu, knocking her on her ass and leaving her bedridden for days at a time. it only got worse as years went on and she avoided doctor appointments out of fear of being charged unnecessary costly fees. she downplayed her compromising situation for as long as she could until she physically couldn’t carry on any more and had to stop going to work

margo and her father urged the stubborn woman to seek medical attention for any sort of relief for months until she finally conceded. soon it became the new norm for her mother to be in and out of hospitals, getting tests done, trying various medications. but nothing helped in the long-term and they were unable to come to a strict diagnosis *ILLNESS TW END*

and she had been right, it was terribly expensive. their funds were short considering the family was down to one income. so margo took on more responsibilities by working part-time jobs as well as going to school. she was sixteen and teaching dance lessons at her childhood studio in exchange for a small amount of pay + free lessons as well as working at a local movie theatre 6 days a week. she cut back on extracurricular lessons to save some money, instead pouring all her creative energy into only school related clubs such as choir, theatre, and so on

honestly, if you knew margo in high school you’d likely not even know about her familial situation. she liked to keep her cards close to her chest and portrayed herself as this larger than life character that no one would believe had experienced any hardships. she distracted from her own worries by playing the role of ‘queen bee’ or more accurately rachael berry from glee ( a cursed character at this point but it’s true unfortunately )

margo had big dreams of making it to broadway one day and had planned to get there by going to college in new york and make a name for herself. but with her mother’s healthy declining the closer margo got to graduation, the more put off she was by the idea of moving away from home. she was willing to put all plans for her future on hold and take care of her mother but her parents wouldn’t let her. being as encouraging as ever, they convinced her that she needed to follow her dreams. she had already given up a majority of her teenage years to help them out when they needed it most. they wouldn’t let her miss out on anything else

so with a heavy heart but on a good scholarship, she left for columbia university without any idea of what to expect. new york was a whole new world for her and she was thrown off by how talented, beautiful, and wealthy her peers were. she had felt like a big fish in a really small pond during her high school days. but for once she was a tiny fish in the big wide ocean

her larger than life persona came back into play-- masking her worries and insecurities with a version of herself that was so confident that she even began to fool herself. she got a bit lost in the fantasy. her true self-slipping away. she almost had this alter ego ??? ( come thru hannah montana moment okay ) wannabe starlet rubbing elbows with the future CEOs and celebrities of the world by day and local pizza parlor waitress by the night, working to make a decent living while also sending money back home when she could

she also had to maintain good grades to keep her scholarship and participate in performances that her department put on in order to rise in the ranks

honestly the only time she got a little peace was when she was hanging out with her few GOOD friends. like the people that actually got to know her past her fake personality. they were also music people so they spent a lot of time together just messing around with instruments and vocals and writing songs in their own little makeshift studio / hangout spot

it started off as just fun and games, but with their help margo created some original songs and released them as an indie artist. she put herself out there on her social media profiles like “hey stream my new single!!!!!!” and people ate it up. after releasing a few tracks and establishing her own following, her music eventually got to the right people and she was given the opportunity to sign to an actual label which was wild ???

and while it was an amazing opportunity, releasing music under the label was also very demanding. when she was releasing music from the comfort of her friend’s studio it was purely a fun creative outlet and done on her own time. it was just... rough. but how could she complain when she was making a name for herself in the music industry + making bank from royalties + getting to meet all these cool famous people and go to parties with them and y’know ... spiral and slack off on other responsibilities

*DEATH TW* it was around her junior year that things started to go from bad to worse. she remembers exactly where she was and what she was doing when she got the call from her dad informing her of her mom’s extended stay in the hospital. things weren’t looking too good. there wasn’t anything they could do for the older lady and honestly she was done fighting. margo flew back home to chicago immediately and stayed at her childhood home for the following weeks until her mother passed. it was absolutely devastating. she stayed in chicago with her dad for months as they worked through their grief together *DEATH TW END*

columbia was pretty understanding of her situation and was willing to be accommodating so she could finish her degree plan, but margo put things off for so long that she eventually just withdrew from the university and was dead set on just living in chicago forever

i’m not gonna lie, margo was down and out for a little while. didn’t talk to anyone really, rarely left the house, stopped making music, and just sorta fell off completely. the only good thing that came out of the year or so that she spent back home was she stepped away from the false reality she created for herself in new york, which helped her realize that she didn’t love the person she was becoming or the things she was doing. she wasn’t even really involved with her one true passion which was theatre / acting

it was with a little boost from her dad ( literally her biggest fan , i love this man okay ) that she started acting like herself again. he told her that her mom wouldn’t want her to give up on everything and neither would he. so with a new found determination ( and a pretty exciting career opportunity ), margo put on her big girl pants and moved her ass back to new york to finally do what she loves to do

and here we are now ! she’s stepping into her break-out role onto broadway as lydia deetz in bettlejuice the musical

she’s only been back in new york for a few months at this point i’d say ??? and i can’t wait to see her come into her own and grow into the margo i know and love ... but also hate because she’s so so dumb :-) <3

*+:｡.｡ 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 & 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐍𝐒｡.｡:+*

she has no chill, probably will never have any chill, and i am sorry for that ASJNDLK she’s just overdramatic as hell !!! she’s a theatre kid at heart and i would expect absolutely nothing less from her

generally good-natured though and has good intentions. just simply has piss-poor execution sometimes

down to clown and ready to have a good time all the time all in the name of enjoying life to its fullest while we all have a chance

the only thing she takes seriously is her work life. she’s on her grind okay, it took a lot for her to get to where she is today and she’s not going to just let it slip away that easily. she’s doing everything she can to make not only herself proud but her parents :’-)

still releases her own music under the label but her primarily focus is on her budding broadway career and the label is understanding of that ... mostly because she called an executive meeting ( against her manager’s better judgement ) and was super up front and threatened to walk out if they didn’t see reason ... but at least things worked out well !!!

she mostly writes songs for other people at this point in her career. some big names too ( just like ... google julia michael’s career and apply it to margo okay thank u )

honestly her management teams worst nightmare simply because she does not listen and will do whatever she wants and post whatever she wants and will not apologize for being her authentic self in media

like, she’s just starting to figure out who she is again and they want her to stop and act fake because she’s not being very “family-friendly” or because it doesn’t make her “look good to the public” ??? nah f*ck that !

while she is sociable and fun-loving, she’s also hard to seriously get to know sometimes because of all those years of putting up a front. like sometimes she doesn’t even realize that she’s not being 100% genuine ??? so you could be hanging out with her every single day and still not know her completely and she might not open up and that’s okay, she’s working on it

she is a pretty good friend tho ! super loyal, a true ride or die, will want to fight anyone that you have a problem with, showers you in compliments and gifts, truly 10 / 10

but if she doesn’t like you or if you’ve mistreated her in any way at all she will in fact hold it against you for the rest of her life. just petty as a mf and i hate her for it like sis pls leT SH*T GO !!!!

didn’t grow up rich so now that she’s making bank she’s one of those people that just buys dumb things just because she can ??? the size of her closet is absolutely ridiculous, just overflowing with clothes and accessories, and the amount of random packages that get delivered to her apartment that she doesn’t even remember ordering is even more so ... just ... irresponsible spender

stubborn ?? what is compromising ??? doesn’t know her but will try ( begrudgingly ) if she really likes you

hates being bored. can and will go to excessive lengths to avoid boredom

partygirl margo has not stopped, will not stop, and cannot be stopped much to my own disappointment

self-proclaimed dancing queen. really puts all those years of classical dance training to good use by hopping on top of tables / countertops at parties to shake some ass

surprisingly a responsible adult that can cook and clean and get shit done when she really puts her mind to it ??? this developed over the years that her mom was sick and bedridden and she stepped up to take care of household chores while her dad worked doubles

very family-oriented and talks to her dad all the time. like, calls him daily for really dumb reasons. any time she feels down the first person she wants to talk to is him ( well it’s actually her mom, who was her best friend in the whole world, but since she’s not here anymore they make do as just the two of them )

her ego is LARGE. GRANDE. thinks very highly of herself as a result of being praised too much as a child probably. not to mention she is very very good at what she does, has more talent in her little pinky then i do in my whole body. she’s secretly insecure on the inside but she presents as an overconfident bad bitch

a staple to her character that i wish she would shake is her inability to handle her own feelings in a healthy way ... she just sorta ... shuts down ?? runs away ?? acts like nothing is happening ?? it’s bad. would rather leave than get left and bottle up all her feelings and kick them under the bed then ever open up

has a terrible sleeping pattern and cannot stay on a solid sleep schedule to save her life. undiagnosed insomniac. when her mind just won’t calm down she often goes out to keep her occupied and avoid any overthinking that might occur when she’s in her own company

her life motto is #YOLO and does a lot of stupid sh*t because of it

probably uses tiktok too much both as a consumer and a content creator. vlogs her backstage experiences and also just posts dumb, amusing things

this is so long i’m sorry if you read this whole thing i just have a lot of feelings about her after writing her for so many years AKJSDK i’ll shut up now BYE

i have margo’s wc page HERE but just some ideas are best friends, frenemies, confidants, fellow music people, party friends, pr friends or pr rivals, crushes, on and off again, exes, roommate, childhood friends, family friends, good influence, bad influence, honestly truly anything and everything PLS i love to plot and write w/ all of you ! <3

#wealthyhq:intro #i finally finished this so imma post it #pls love my baby 🥺

5 notes · View notes

ariainstars · 4 years

Text

Star Wars: Fatalism Against the „I Wish” Moment

Here it goes again, the question as to why The Rise of Skywalker sucked. Sigh. It just can’t leave me alone, can it?

After the first two chapters, honestly, I was expecting the sequel trilogy to become as good (or almost) as the original one. But precisely the last chapter set the seal on one of its worst problems: the lack of agenda.

I love musical theatre. And one of its most beautiful sides is that it teaches you so much about storytelling. Now what makes a story, a character truly compelling? The conflict. Without a conflict, something that has to shift the narrative from A to D going through B and C, nothing makes sense. And in a good story, the conflict is set up right from the start. We meet someone and we are supposed to identify with them due to their agency.

Heroes With An Agenda

To name an example, there is “Into the Woods”, one of my favorite musicals which retells some classic fairy tales with own interpretations and unexpected twists; and it opens with an iconic ensemble number called “I Wish”. (If you’re unfamiliar with it, you might want to check out the 2014 film.) We get to know a bunch of people who all want something, and we follow them through the narrative as some of them get their wish (though not exactly the way they expected it); then are confronted with the backlash, the consequences, the price to pay for the things they wanted.

With Star Wars now belonging to Disney, it is only legitimate to make a few comparisons with Disney movies.

In The Little Mermaid, Ariel’s song is “Part of That World”, setting up her character as someone who wants for something that fascinates her: the world of humans.

Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, wants to leave his tower and live among other humans, even if only in for a day.

Belle from Beauty and the Beast is introduced to us explaining how she wishes to explore the world outside of the small village she’s living in.

A somewhat disappointing Disney heroine was Merida in Brave: despite the films’ title, the story fails at making its protagonist compelling due to her lack of agenda. Merida knows what she does not want, i.e. becoming like her mother, because she’s a different kind of girl: but she does not know what she actually wants from life. It is quite fitting that in the end she manages to restore and improve the relationship to her mother but does not really change her, or her family’s or her kingdom’s situation. Merida does not grow up. Her story is nice enough, but not really compelling.

Disney “princesses” are often criticized for wanting nothing but a partner from life, and sometimes settling down with a man even if that was not their main goal at the start. But we have e.g. Moana, a girl who wants to help her family and her people and to restore balance in nature. Not surprisingly, her story is interesting and convincing.

Antiheroes With An Agenda

Perspective is hugely important for a narrative: authors can use it in order to manipulate the audience’s perception of a story in order to make us identify with someone although he is a negative character. Two examples I came across with lately are Joker (Arthur Fleck) and Hannah from the Girls TV series. Both these characters have personal agendas that in the end don’t get their fulfilment.

We know from the beginning that Arthur will become the Joker, but the film follows him and his social background so closely that we watch everything from his point of view, which makes us sympathize with him despite what he becomes in the end.

Arthur is poor, mentally ill, in charge of a sick mother, friendless; but he believes he can make a great breakthrough as a comedian. He is at the bottom of the social scale and still believes he can make it to the top; it is only all too clear that he is deluded and that none of the people he admires would move a finger to help him. Though he becomes a criminal, his story is a tragedy; he was born and raised under circumstances that hardly offered him room for a simple, satisfying life. His dreams were all he had. Which is why we feel with him, even if from a moral standpoint we know we shouldn’t.

Hannah is a toxic personality if I ever saw one onscreen; but she officially is the protagonist, she’s female who wants a career, she has “friends”, she is “sexually independent”, so as female viewers we will automatically identify with her, or at least try. (Personally, after a while I came to the conclusion that about 75 % of the other character’s problems would quickly find an end if they simply shot Hannah and buried her without a funeral, with a few silver crosses to make sure she never comes back.)

However, Hannah is not from a poor family, she has an education, she has friends. She has things she wants, nothing she desperately needs, like Arthur needs employment or medication. Her whole attitude is subject to her desire to become a famous writer, so her story is about exploring and observing other people’s weaknesses, often even eliciting them for the worse. I find it interesting that when we learn how she first met Adam, he caught her stealing. Apparently, Hannah never understood that you can’t simply take but also have to give something back. Their relationship is so typical for the story because it looks like Adam is using her (mostly sexually), while she is using him in order to make “experiences”, playing with his feelings instead of giving him the chance to grow and mature into a responsible man. Girls always had a bleak undertone; but by manipulating our perspective making her the pivotal character, the authors made us care about Hannah although she is someone who did not deserve it in the first place.

My guess: what makes these two antiheroes in the first place, from a moral perspective, is perhaps the fact that both feel entitled to their dream and won’t settle for less. Disney heroes usually get their wish fulfilment because they go through the moment of openly and innocently admitting their dreams without Arthur’s or Hannah’s latent arrogance.

Now to Star Wars... The Classics

One of the reasons why we so easily identify with Luke Skywalker in A New Hope is because he is introduced to us as someone who dreams. He has a personal wish - leaving his home planet, meeting new people, living adventures and contributing to the future of the galaxy. The “Binary Sunset” scene is not iconic without reason: in a musical, this would have been the moment where he would have broken into song. 😊

Don’t kill me, but Disney’s Hercules reminds me a little of Luke in his first grand scene: he also looks at a sunset, saying that he would go most anywhere to find where he belongs. (Maybe Lucas knew well why he sold the rights to Star Wars to the Disney studios of all places.)

This continues through his other two films: Luke always has a strong agenda. He learns the ways of the Jedi through Obi-Wan (who interestingly never actually questions whether he wants that at all) and Yoda, but his first priority always are his friends. Saving who he loves is what drives him on all of the time, even if this may seem foolish at times - like traveling all alone to Bespine where Han and Leia are kept hostage, or wanting to save his father although he is a dangerous criminal.

Star Wars In-Between

Rogue One and Solo are well-made, interesting films, too, because the protagonists know what they want. The Clone Wars is one long story explaining Ahsoka’s development from a Jedi to someone who relinquishes the Jedi’s ways. The Mandalorian wants to follow “The Way”, i.e. his code of honor, in order to help as many war foundlings as he can. This is what you need to do in order to make a story compelling.

Star Wars Prequels

One of the weaknesses which I see to this day in the prequels is that we so rarely witness someone’s personal agenda; the stories are more driven by the plot than by the persons. A few desires are hinted at and never pursued.

“I’m going to be the first to see all of them” (the stars). - Anakin in The Phantom Menace

“At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.” Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace

What became of Anakin’s desire to explore the galaxy? And revenge from what, if you please? I can understand that the Sith were a byproduct of the Jedi’s rejection of the Dark Side, their weaknesses all projected unto them: but this also is never explored.

What did Anakin, Padmé, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon etc. want, after all? When did they ever say or show clearly what they wanted, and what they would do for the purpose? Qui-Gon wants to train Anakin by will of the Force, Obi-Wan wants to train him because Qui-Gon asked him to. The Jedi want to keep the status quo of the Republic and the Jedi Order. There is no actual heart-felt wish from their side. The only person relentlessly pursuing his aims is Palpatine, the mastermind behind the stage.

Padmé has her political aims, but they are not a really personal agenda for her. She wants to help people who were enslaved or hungry or otherwise suffering, but she does not know such situations from own experience. Her personal wish is having a family, but in her case it is not as passionate as in Anakin’s, who had lost the only family he had with his mother. Add to this that the scene where she talks with Anakin about this desire of hers was unfortunately cut out from Attack of the Clones.

The compassionate and protective Anakin wants to keep the ones he cares for safe. Interestingly though, the films rarely show us his perspective, we usually rather see other people reacting to him; and since the Jedi always brainwash him not to “let his personal feelings get in the way”, Anakin comes over more as a whiny brat than as a conflicted human being we can sympathize with.

Revenge of the Sith is, though a terrible story, a very well-made film and emotionally very demanding because Anakin finally takes his destiny into his own hands. But it is also not very satisfying, because he wants to prevent things from happening and doesn’t actually have a definite, positive aim in mind. Still when he speaks to Padmé on Mustafar he tells her that he would overthrow Palpatine for her and rule the galaxy according to their wishes; but even in this moment he sounds insecure and confused, and his ideas are everything but clear.

The Sequels

The same procedure all over again. Finn wants to get away from the First Order, but where does he want to go? It is only hinted at that he wants a girlfriend (“Do you have a boyfriend?”), and not thematized again. Poe already is a Resistance fighter from the start, no personal aim there either. Rey wants her family back: she does nothing but waiting. On Takodana, we literally see her running from her fate after her vision with the Skywalker legacy sabre. In The Last Jedi, she says she needs someone to show her her place. She says to Luke that she is afraid. Again, she has no agenda.

Kylo was pursuing Luke, but why? What exactly had happened between uncle and nephew before the fatal night at the Temple, why was Kylo’s resentment so deep? He killed his father because he was coerced; he did not actually want it. Later he wanted Rey, but why, if she was almost always aggressive towards him?

The Last Jedi finally seemed to make up for all of these lacks. Rose was such a powerful character because while she always did everything in her power for the cause, she never forgot or let go of her personal feelings and desires, like keeping Finn safe, inspiring hope in the Canto Bight children, freeing the fathiers.

The moment Rey ships herself on the Supremacy, Ben kills Snoke and then both team up against the Praetorian Guards is so powerful because both of them, at last, have an agenda, and they pursue it together. It’s a moment of relief for the audience, what we had been waiting for all along: finding out what all of this was about - the Force working in balance. Naively, many of us then assumed this trilogy would be about Ben and Rey finding balance and a happy ending together.

Then The Rise of Skywalker made our frustration flare up again. Rey wants to become a Jedi because Leia expects her to; she kills Palpatine because he wants her to do it; the voices of all Jedi encourage her… great. No personal agenda all over again. Ben saves her from death because he loves her, very well. Then he dies. Han, Leia and Luke all wanted him to come “home”, i.e. back to the Light Side, and they died for the purpose. It seems wanting something is dangerous in itself in this galaxy. And Rey ends up alone on Tatooine. Again, what does she want there?

So It Was All... Fate?

Han, Leia and Luke were much more compelling characters than Rey - their aims were sometimes misguided, but at least they had them and they were clearly defined. Even Palpatine has an aim: it is veiled (typically for him), but it is there. He knows that his spirit will live on in the person who manages to kill him. So, he is still more powerful than Rey. It looks like Rey defeated him, but the truth is that he used her naïve faith that she could erase him by killing him in order to reach his own aim: living on in a younger, more innocent person who believes that being a “Jedi”, she is doing the right thing.

We may of course argue that the Force is behind all of this; but as intriguing as the Force is, it is not a person. When we follow a story, we want living persons to think and feel and suffer and be hopeful and joyful for. It is all very well if characters want different things or maybe want the wrong things; but at least, their wishes ought to be understandable, and if they don’t come true, we would like to know why, instead of being left with... “reasons”. It is hard to identify with a character if we never learn what drives them after all. I daresay it would be more satisfying to see them pursue an aim and fail, than never to understand what they’re about, what their heart’s wish is.

I have argued over and over that the ways of the Jedi, i.e. sacrificing everything to a cause, and individual aims are naturally opposite to one another. If there will ever be Balance, future Force-sensitive creatures must find a way in between. But again, this is not openly said and the audience has to either resign to the fact that the films are badly made, or to scavenge them for months searching for messages. Of course, there is nothing wrong with using ones’ own brains. But I would like to leave a cinema after a Star Wars film feeling satisfied. The Rise of Skywalker did not only leave many questions unanswered; in many instances, it did not even start posing the questions.

“Into the Woods” is not a story with a happy ending. One of its messages is that you need to be careful about what you wish for, but I think that’s all right if the moral implications of getting one’s wish are explored. Which with the Star Wars prequels and sequels was not the case - people suffer and die for decades, and in the end, the story goes nowhere. The events of the prequels took place because “they were meant to”; same with the sequels. Anakin turned evil because it was his fate, his grandson the same because it was fate, Rey took over the Jedi mantle although she is not in the least suited for it, but it was her fate so we have to accept it. No wonder everyone is disappointed.

Star Wars saga, what do you have in store next? After more than 30 years, I dearly hope, someone who actually has an aim and purses it this time. And doesn’t have to die in the process, thank you very much.

32 notes · View notes

rwbyconversations · 6 years

Text

“It was never about that,” or why Sun went to Menagerie

One of my favorite characters in RWBY is the absolute madlad himself, Sun Wukong. Be it his constant charisma, Michael’s consistently great vocal performance, his fantastic weapons and two of the better fights in their respective volumes, Sun has constantly been near or even in the top ten list of my favorite characters of the show. Perhaps the largest reason for that though is how Sun is a very consistent character in his own right.

One of the more controversial choices Sun has made however was his following of Blake to Menagerie in Volume 4. Following this Sun got accusations of being a stalker, of only going so he could have sex with Blake, of being someone who didn’t care for Blake as a person beyond wanting what he couldn’t have. To which I say, “It’s OK for you to have bad opinions.”

Regardless. I think this take on Sun is quite unfair, and as such, today I’d like to explain why Sun went to Menagerie and why he wasn’t doing it just to kiss Blake. Also be warned that the end of this post has spoilers for Volume 6 Chapter 1. Thanks to @fakebrandon for supplying many of the images in this post.

(how can anyone hate this pure lad istg)

1) Miscommunication and Sun’s bullheadedness

You know how I said Sun’s a consistent character throughout the whole show? I wasn’t kidding, even as far back as Volume 2.

Sun may not be as good a leader as Ruby, but he does get the core idea of what Ozpin taught Ruby (and she subsequently taught Jaune) in Volume 1- strength in unity. Ruby phrases it as how the leader must put their team before themselves, Sun instead sees it as working together as a group to overcome what one person cannot. His ideals are consistent about this- Sun always tries to help and when he can, he gets people involved. It’s quite fitting then that Sun is one of the students who takes charge during the Fall of Beacon, trying to get everyone out along with Port and Oobleck.

Butting his head in is one of Sun’s most enduring traits, one fitting for the Monkey King. Unfortunately it’s also one that causes him no end of strife in Volume 4 when he goes after Blake.

Sun, I love you, but what possessed you to think this was a good idea beyond the cool factor?

It’s largely due to miscommunication that Sun follows Blake- in his own words he thinks she’s going on a “one-woman rampage against the White Fang!” Sun’s moral compass refuses to let him sit by while he thinks Blake is risking life and limb on what’s effectively a suicide mission. Notice how Sun’s crush on Blake never comes up in the conversation, in fact barring Sun making a few cases of verbal innuendo, it’s never addressed directly in Volume 4. Sun is a bit flirty during the Sea Dragon fight with his quips-

Keep in mind how Blake looks in these GIFs... we’ll be coming back to this later

But he doesn’t take it past that. He doesn’t even go for anything intimate like a hug once the Grimm has been destroyed. Sun goes for, of all things, a high-five.

While yes, Sun could have approached Blake in a less foolish manner and gotten himself a few less slaps in the process, it fits his character to be so brazen. Sun’s always been someone who wants to help his friends, and that brazen, cocksure attitude was what Blake needed when she was recovering; someone who wanted to help her, but didn’t want anything from it. Keep in mind that Sun never tries to take advantage of Blake while she recovers, no hugs, kisses or even finger guns. Remember, he thought she was going on a vengeance mission, his crush never factors into it on a conscious level- no doubt it influenced his decision to stick the rest of SSN on a bus to offscreen land on a subconscious level, but Sun as a character has always remained true to his roots of getting involved for better or for worse. And in this case, for the better. And his following Blake is just nailing that trait of his to the wall.

2) Blake needed someone to help her learn to stop running

Blake had a bad habit of running from her problems in the early days of RWBY- she ran from her parents when they left the White Fang, she ran from Adam when he became a kill-happy psycho, and she ran from Beacon when said psycho decided to help Yang on a radical weight-loss program involving her limb. The one time she refuses to run at the Fall of Beacon, Adam punishes her for it with a gut-stab and a fresh amputation. So once she could, Blake ran. She ran before Yang had even regained consciousness from the wound sustained for Blake, apparently only staying on Patch long enough to make sure everyone on-board got out alive before running for the hills.

While Sun followed Blake because he assumed she was going to war, Sun serves a vital purpose in Blake’s character arc of getting her to stop running from her problems and, at least partly, get her to stop blaming herself for the actions others take.

Blake only really proves Sun’s point during their confrontations across the last third of Volume 4- Blake is aggressive, outright slapping him twice, hard enough that he felt pain from it, something Arryn herself has felt was out of character for her. Even in spite of that he puts himself at risk to secure the scroll, taking a nasty shot to the shoulder in the first confrontation with Ilia. When Sun wakes up, Blake immediately begins making his injury about her and why she left, even ordering him to shut up at one point.

But Sun doesn’t give in to anger or snap at her like Adam would. Instead Sun waits for her to finish before calmly and gently calling Blake on her bullshit. Sun bluntly tells Blake that while she can make her choices...

This is Sun at his most solemn and quiet as he speaks to Blake, Michael kills it with his performance here. Sun only puts the pressure on Blake to finally make her realize the flaws in her self-loathing, to pull her out of the darkness that she believes her past with the White Fang has drenched her in and into the light of acceptance and redemption. Or as Like Morning Follows Night put it:

Life's not a game you can play to get even We all make mistakes, but we need to move on I know that you hate where you strayed Forgiving yourself is the only way Just look ahead, yesterday is gone

The kicker is, this works. Thanks to Sun helping to pull her out of her funk, the Blake we see in Volume 5 is much more balanced as an individual. She still looks on the past with regret, but now is more set on striding forward and changing the future, emboldened by the mistakes of the past. While Ghira and Kali would have pulled Blake back from the brink with the time, acceptance and love that only a parent can provide, and please do not assume I am undermining the valuable part they played in Blake’s recovery, Sun not just placidly taking Blake’s crap gives her the reality call that neither Ghira or Kali could have provided. Kali and Ghira gave Blake a home to recover in physically, and Sun gave her the confrontation she needed to confront her past emotionally. Sun was the only person Blake met at Beacon who really could provide that reality check- Weiss would be shot on sight, Ruby would be too pure, Yang too caught up in her own deep-rooted issues. Sun was the only person able to break her walls down and let the light shine on her dark psyche. The mindset that Sun helps her develop is a mindset that Blake carries into her next song, This Time, a duet with Ghira.

This time The ways of the past we'll get over We'll climb Enlighten a new state of mind And now I'll stand with you shoulder to shoulder Out of the ashes a new flame ignite Rise up from shadows and into the light

That lesson that Sun teaches Blake goes on to play a vital role in Volume 5- Blake uses those teachings to reach out to Ilia, to be there for her even though Ilia won’t want her to be there (Blake also spells out in this scene what I spent the past few paragraphs saying- she tried to push Sun out but his refusal forced her to better herself).

And when Blake finishes, Sun just has this quiet, almost proud smile on his face. The student has become the mentor, and Sun’s proud to see Blake stepping up and resolving to help someone like he helped her. After all, you should always get your friends involved.

This guy is a literal ray of sunshine and even if you don’t ship them I hope you can appreciate how well their dynamic works.

3) “It was never about that!”

I hope by this point I’ve made it clear that Sun’s intentions were far from romantic when he followed Blake, and that they were the last thing on his mind when he was on the island with her. Sun’s his usual charming self at a few points but barring an awkwardly hilarious scene with Ghira, Sun never tries to put the moves on Blake during Volumes 4 or 5, unless you want to classify “the moves” as helping beat up on Blake’s abuser.

“All women are queens Adam!”

“If she breathes, she’s a THOT!”

Sun and Blake have a lot of adorably cute moments in the Volume 5 finale as the Battle of Haven winds down. In those above GIFs of Sun saying “My hero!” Look how exasperated Blake is. Now look at her.

Her smile is genuine, it reaches her eyes and her ears perk up. That’s a smile of genuine gratitude. Remember when I told you to keep her stiffness in the V4 GIFs in mind? Still do that, but remember it in this case.

It’s only now after nearly two entire volumes that Sun actually offers a flirtatious line towards Blane- “No promises,” he quips as he rushes off into battle, giving Blake the chance to be the hero and help save her team from Hazel, Emerald and Mercury. He even tugs Blake towards her team after all the fighting has ceased, letting Blake have her chance to finally reconnect with her team- Sun, again, getting friends involved when he can.

This is the most intimate thing Sun instigates all show and he only does it after expressly earning Blake’s trust and admiration. Also dayum Sun you smooth boi

Sun sadly leaves the party in the next episode, since now that he’s helped Blake he has to go help the team he ditched in Mistral. Sun, as Michael put it in a panel pre-Volume 6, pulls his head out of his ass and decides to help his own team. They were fine while he helped Blake, but now that she’s back in the team’s safe hands, Sun needs to sort his own business out. Also he might just hate the cold, not ruling anything out.

You can tell how close Sun and Blake have gotten just by the proximity of which they stand beside each other. When they spoke on the boat in V4 there was a large gap between them, but now they’re almost bumping shoulders.

Blake and Sun’s conversation serves as the capstone of Blake and Sun’s development across Volumes 4 and 5. Sun gently tells Blake that she doesn’t need him now that she’s back with her own team, and Blake is almost... resistant to him going. She’s grown used to Sun’s presence, a far cry from how she was in Volume 4, and part of her isn’t really ready to let go of her friend just yet. Sun obviously is holding a candle, but their conversation ends on a bittersweet note, with both acknowledging that Blake has some baggage to deal with, but Sun is confident that Blake can handle herself with the aid of RWBY. That said, he doesn’t rule out a reunion and another chance to rekindle that spark, confident that they’ll reunite. And Blake...

“Platonic” my ass, Blake’s even doing the Princess Diaries heel-lift!

While leaving Blake at the train to Argus, Neptune weighs in and feels like Sun is letting Blake go. Sun bluntly shoots that down, saying the line “It was never about that.” Because for Sun, it was never about pursuing Blake romantically when he went after her. Sun saw a friend, an ally who he cared for deeply, diving into a well of self-loathing and running off on what he thought was a suicide mission, so he dived in right after her to pry her free from the darkness. Does Sun care for Blake romantically? Without a shadow of a doubt. But Sun did not see a girl wrought with depression and anxiety and saw a romantic conquest, he’s not some shallow blunderhead like some people like to portray him as. Was he insensitive in his not coming forward immediately? Perhaps, but the two have moved on from that incident.

To conclude, Sun is a fundamentally good person, a literal ray of sunshine who saw a friend of his in peril and put his own life on hold to help her. While Sun was likely influenced subconsciously by his crush for Blake, his overriding desire to help a friend in need was the primary motivation- in fact, Sun barely even touches Blake outside of friendly banter scenes. He never has an obvious romantic intent with Blake and only has her best interests at heart. Along with Blake’s parents, he provides a stable foundation for Blake to recover, and she in turn helps him get over the grudge he had with Ilia without him ever realizing it. Sun never seeks to take advantage of Blake in her fraught state of mind and his bond with her is a lifelong commitment to have each other’s backs. Come rain or shine, I know they’ll meet again and it’ll be like these two companions never parted ways to begin with.

Because that’s Sun, at his core; you should always get friends involved, come rain or shine. And when he’s around, you bet he shines.

Thank you for reading.

And of course, never forget the raw glorious power of the gun-chucks.

#rwby #sun wukong #blake belladonna #black sun #eclipse #rwby analysis #ghira belladonna #kali belladonna #adam taurus #ilia amitola #neptune vasilias #blake/sun #sun is such a good character WHY ARE PEOPLE DUNKING ON HIM #like morning follows night #this time #character analysis #rwby volume 6 chapter 1 spoilers

352 notes · View notes

dr-mizmix · 5 years

Text

My sunshine(part 1/?)

Many people have already written about this but I couldn't help it. This fic follows the headcanon in which Five kills Dave.

TRIGGER WARINGS

warzone/mental breakdown

Word count: 1500+

13+

Enjoy!

“It's just another name, it's just another mission” Five never thought about who he had to eliminate. It wasn't worth the time thinking about their lives and getting involved in an emotional level. That would be irrational and compromise the mission. It didn't matter if they were innocent, guilty, men, women or children Five just wanted to get the job done so he could move forward to the next one until the day he finished his equations or his contract whatever came first.

“Eliminate Dave Katz at all costs”

As soon as Five read the name, it made him wonder “Huh, this is weird. I wonder what this soldier soldier must have done for the temp comision to send me instead of letting him die at warzone.” He then looked to Dolores who remained motionless “............” Five then tried to act unbiased “You are right Dolores, that's none of ours business," he read again the name and location “we should get going.”

After that he packed for his unusual destination, even for a time traveling hitman like himself 1968 Vietnam.

While Five was onto his grim mission Dave Katz, his future victim, was having a great time with another time traveler who happened to be a Hargreeves too, but whose plans of what to do with him couldn't be more different.

At the disco Klaus was killing it the dance floor when discretely he winks Dave who has been watching him from the distance. He takes this gesture as a signal and starts to slowly approach him while dancing “Haha, you have some nice moves” Klaus decided to cautiously flirt with him trying to see where he could go “Really? I could teach you some of them if you wanna” Dave followed Klaus’ game “Oh, and how much would it be for the lessons?” he wished this was 2019 and not 1968 “Well, I would usually charge a lot to know the secrets of my moves.” Dave kept getting closer to him “Oh really?” he said with a playful smile “Yeah but because you are obviously desperate I'll make you a deal. I will lower my price to just one shot of whatever it is your favorite drink.” he knew that if he said to anyone else he could get in trouble. But not to Dave “Then it's settled. Bartender two shots of whiskey please! My treat.” After that they danced together all evening with the excuse of teaching each other dance moves.

“Klaus” Dave called him in a really low tone but he caught his attention “Follow me” They went together to a secluded area. “Are we allowed to be here?” Klaus tried being cautious but Dave made his thoughts disappear in less than a second “What, what are we?” Klaus didn't know how to answer. “I don't know, what am I to you?” Dave thought for a moment “I feel like I can trust you with my life, I would say that you are my friend but that would be lying to myself” Klaus closed his eyes “Keep going” Dave closed his eyes too “You are the most kind,wonderful, brave and handsome person that I've ever met” Dave felt like his heart was about to to leave his body, when Klaus wrapped his arms around him “You are very wrong, because you are the most handsome, strong, brave and vulnerable person I've ever met and you clearly know yourself” Dave got as close as he could to Klaus and when their lips were almost touching he whispered “May I?” to which Klaus responded “Yes you can” They shared a long kiss, when they separated Dave was incredibly blushed “Did I do it wrong?” Klaus giggled and started playing with Dave's hair “No! Why would you say that” Dave looked kind of embarrassed “I'm kind of new to this thing” Klaus then gently grabbed his face “Don't worry, we can do whatever you want” Dave hugged him and a slow song started playing “I've, I've never danced to anything like this before” Klaus smiled and placed their hands on the position for a slow dance. “Hey remember I told you I'd teach you how to dance” Dave shaked his head smiling and they continued dancing through the whole night.

Several months have passed since the night Dave and Klaus shared their first kiss. Since then they've been secretly dating. So far no one noticed anything more than them being really good friends. That or they prefer to ignore it. They even got themselves some matching tattoos which Dave chose. In their way to the front, at the bus, Dave seemed distant “Today it's going to be tough” Klaus puts his arm around him “You always say that, and look at us! We only get so emotionally scarred for life!” He tried to joke around it to see if Dave would relax a bit “Right, right” Klaus started to get worried “Are you ok?" “Well It's just that I heard that my squad is going for the front line this time and I I…”Dave couldn't continue. There was a pause “Is that all?Then I will be going with you”Dave shaked his head with a sad smile “Come on Klaus you know that we can't do that. We are in different squads” Klaus though for a moment “Well then tell someone from your squad that today is their lucky day because I'm not letting you go alone.” Dave laughed “You are going to make some lucky bastard very happy”

Five loaded his trusty rifle and waited for the perfect moment when nobody would notice him. It was weird to witness all those people dying in front of him but Five had to constantly remind himself that it was none of his business. Chaos arises in the trenches and Five decided to shoot his target, knowing help wouldn't come. He activated the trigger and the job was done. A man starts screaming with a somewhat familiar voice. Five feelt startled by it and decided to take a closer look. “Something feels wrong”

Meanwhile the in the trenches Klaus was screaming for help “Medic! Medic!” He held Dave in his arms “You're going to ok Dave, you'll get through this” Dave placed his hands behind Klaus head “I'll be ok Klaus I know I'll be” Klaus cried even harder “Stay with me Dave please, I'll take you with me” Dave closed his eyes “Sing for me” Klaus couldn't think of any song until words started flowing almost automatically from his mouth “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…” Dave grabbed his hand “You make me happy when skies are gray…” Klaus tightened his grip “You'll never know dear how much I love you…” Dave's hand relaxed a bit “Please don't take” Dave opened his eyes “my sunshine” they both smiled “I love you” Dave lost all his grip “Away… ” Klaus looked at Dave, he didn't move “Dave? Dave! Medic! Goddammit I need a need a goddamm medic!”. As he realized that help wouldn't arrive, he looked Dave's lifeless body and laid on it crying. “He's dead. He's dead” his mumbling kept going until it became unintelligible.

Dolores in his back as always stayed silent. “Is just the screaming, he shouldn't have found him so fast. We are in the middle of warzone.” He made a pause to get Dolores perspective. “It's just” he squinted his eyes in an attempt to see the man's forearm, Five sighed as he saw the man wore long sleeves and looked back at Dolores “You are right Dolores, I have no family anymore” He closed his eyes trying to forget the familiar pitch. “What would they be doing here anyway?”He picked up his stuff and left as he never had been there. He was now awaiting for his next assignment.

“Eliminate President Kennedy at all costs”

When Five found himself asking “is it worth it? Is it worth killing l so many people to go back knowing that the future is doomed?” He remembered Vanya and the rest of his siblings and found a reason to keep living.

But this was not the moment to think about his siblings, this was a moment of action.

As Five used his briefcase for the last time he thought of his siblings, and while it was kind of hard to admit, he started questioning if they would accept him. They only knew him for 13 years and he is now 58. What is he going to tell them? He'd been alone for 40 years and now the feeling of being able to come back to his family terrifies him. But it didn't matter now, the apocalypse doesn't wait for anybody.

He arrived at his destination, there he started apply his equations to time travel back his family. He'll show Dolores she's wrong. He knew his arrival would probably cause a huge anomaly so he expected his family waiting for him. What he didn't expect was that one screaming man from his last mission in Vietnam. The first face he saw “Klaus” It suddenly became clear. He got distracted over that fact. So much so that his body started morphing into his 13 years old self.He finally went through it.

“Shit”

I will continue this fic in the near future so stay tuned!

31 notes · View notes

wee-chlo · 6 years

Text

Feelings About the Hargreeves( Major Spoilers)

I have feelings, here they are.

Luther (Number One): I know a lot of people dislike Luther and while he’s hardly my favorite, I do feel genuinely bad for him. I feel like he emphasized the fact that he was sent to the moon and tried to be the leader despite his obvious lack of maturity because he kinda knew he just... wasn’t leadership material, and maybe he had a suspicion that the moon thing wasn’t up to snuff either. He was desperate to matter, desperate for everything he allowed himself to go through to mean something, and ultimately... it didn’t. He wanted to be a son to Reginald rather than just Number One and he couldn’t be because Reginald wasn’t capable of having that kind of relationship, for whatever reason. So he tried to be Number One because that’s what Reginald valued. The biggest reason for his failure in the latter portion of the season is, I think, an inability to truly make a decision. With Vanya, he wavered. Instead of really settling on one decision or another (offering her understanding, forgiveness, and support vs killing her outright), he opted for a short term option that I think saved his pride and conscience at the expense of everyone around him. He didn’t want to kill Vanya (understandable) but he was also angry and scared and unsure of whether or not he could trust her (also understandable). Luther needs to learn how to make firm decisions based on his own moral compass, rather than hesitating or opting for his father’s twisted version of right and wrong. I genuinely think he could be a good leader of he manages this.

Diego (Number Two): Diego is just... really interesting to me. In all honesty, I have an instinctive love of characters who fall into the demographics I’m a part of so that might be a bit of it but it’s also really interesting how Diego was the most vocal and caustic about his loathing for Reginald while also still doing what Reginald had them doing, but wholeheartedly and with a genuine desire to be a force for good. While Luther tries to be a hero for his father’s approval, Diego does it because it’s the right thing to do. He’s still bitter and angry and prone to that sort of chaotic fervor that puts him on the wrong side of the law, but he wants to be a hero as much as Luther does, just for different reasons. If Luther doesn’t step up to be the leader, I think Diego is the next best choice and if Luther does manage to take charge in a real and genuine way, Diego would be the perfect second-in-command/Lancer. He feels so passionately but he’s got a very Chaotic Good nature to him. When I think of him, I think of the line from Red Dead Redemption where John Marston is told he’s a romantic pretending to be a cynic. Diego is bruised by what he suffered as a child, he’s violent and doesn’t play by the rules and is perhaps the most likely to go to extremes, but when he comes down to it, he still believes in superheroes. He still admires people who look into the darkness of the world and see the light. And I think that’s because deep down, he’s the same way.

Allison (Number Three): I had to watch a couple times for Allison to really sink in for me (honestly she and Luther were the least interesting for me the first time around but given how much of their arcs were wrapped around their romance subplot...) but I think it’s interesting how the two female members of the group are the ones who were probably the most harmed by Reginald’s refusal to really impress on them any moral code when it comes to the use of their powers. All of the group is emotionally stunted and hindered by their upbringing, but Allison’s is one of the more subtle ones, at least at first. Initially, she seems like the most accomplished and well put together, until you realize that she’s fallen back on her power her whole life. She’s used it for fame, for fortune, for love. It’s the easy way out and it wasn’t until she was forced to see the impact it had on the people that she loved that she really realized what it meant to abuse it. Unfortunately, this means that virtually everything about her life is thrown into question. I think someone (Vanya?) suggests she used her powers on Reginald. She used her powers on her child. She used her powers to get someone to fall in love with her, and I think it’s notable that it’s left ambiguous who it was. Was it her husband? Or Luther?

Klaus (Number Four): Klaus, my love, my favorite. I’m pretty shameless when it comes to adoring characters like Klaus. Klaus starts off directionless and rather impossible to rely on (being related to several addicts/alcoholics, this isn’t surprising to me). But then comes his time with Dave in Vietnam. I think despite how painful it was, the whole debacle brought the best of him to the surface, because after that, he’s so. Kind. Before that there’s a bit of an edge to him. He’s wild and chaotic and friendly, sure, but there’s an undercurrent that he’ll be gone the second he feels like leaving, or when he needs his next fix. Probably because he knows that it won’t matter when or if he leaves because his family won’t notice or care. He’s always emotional, his voice always has a very sing-song quality, but after Vietnam he’s always the first to reach out to comfort or reassure. He looks heartbroken when Luther breaks down and comforts him despite having been assaulted by him moments before, and he’s the only one to comfort Luther when they find Allison. He instinctively tries to catch Diego when Diego collapses at the sight of a needle, desperately tries to put Vanya’s fear into perspective and seems less than thrilled when the time comes to attack her, constantly tries to get everyone on the same page even when Ben warns him it won’t go well. After Vietnam, it seems like he tries to do for others what he wants others to do for him, and I desperately hope that support is given to him in season two.

Number Five: What a prickly pear. Initially, Five was a complicated one for me, almost as complicated as Luther. I found him more interesting than Luther but his constant dismissal of his family, while understandable, still bothered me. I felt for him though, and his actor did an amazing job. A man out of time, initially only learning about his family’s eventual fates through a book and whose memories are of children, shoved back into their lives and seeing how dysfunctional and broken they are. Combined with the knowledge that they tried to stop the apocalypse and failed, it must have been bitterly disappointing. I have to wonder if maybe his first thought hadn’t been “I’ll go back and help them fight and we’ll win”, and then he gets back and finds them the way they are and his immediately kneejerk reaction was “nevermind”. But the sad thing is that he’s not only equally incapable of functioning well enough to stop the apocalypse alone (as Klaus so astutely points out, he’s addicted to mission in a very real and self-defeating way), he also... basically causes it with the time snap that occurs in The Day That Wasn’t. Obviously he loves his family and I get the impression that he WANTS to be able to work with them, he WANTS them to be a team, but just... isn’t really capable of interacting with people anymore, for a variety of reasons. He gets better, obviously, but more than just being a 58 year old in a 13 year old body with siblings who are much younger than him, he’s also equally damaged while also being... incapable or unwilling to admit it.

Ben (Number Six): I really liked Ben but honestly expected more screen time, given how much tumblr loves him. The flashback at the bank broke my heart and the fact that he was the glue that held everyone together was both clear and understandable. I want to learn more about him because right now, I don’t have a ton of thoughts about him aside from the fact that I love his relationship with Klaus. It’s both a relief that Klaus has SOMEONE while also pretty realistic in terms of the fact that there are moments where Ben has obviously had it. Having a family member who’s an addict is incredibly difficult; I’ve seen the effect it has on my mother, who currently has to keep her eye on my uncle, who’s been on and off the wagon frequently for a very long time. There’s only so much gentleness you can manage before things get stern and unrelenting. And sometimes, being something firm and solid is necessary.

Vanya (Number Seven): Can I get an OOF? My feelings on Vanya are very mixed; predominantly sympathetic, but mixed. Obviously a huge amount of responsibility for the whole situation sits with Reginald and Harold. Reginald, much like with Allison, failed to do anything to instill any kind of responsibility or empathy when it comes to Vanya’s powers, and failed to impress upon her any real respect for human life early on (which makes me wonder how she went from thoughtlessly murdering babysitters to crying whenever her siblings stepped on ants). When he was unable to control her, he obliterated her self-esteem, drugged her, and brainwashed her into submission. Then Harold came along and abused her and manipulated her even more, making her think someone considered her special because of who she was and then turning around and ripping it away. Her snapping was understandable, her anger was justified. But her reaction to her siblings? Eh. She was well aware of how damaged they all were because of Reginald; she wrote a book about it after all. And honestly, the bit where she was walking through and remembering being ‘rejected’ by her siblings... Let me tell you, as an older sister, none of that came across as particularly abusive or rude. Sibling just walks into your room, especially if you’re both like... twelve? You’re gonna tell them to get out. My cousins and I grew up together and were CONSTANTLY giving each other a hard time. And the boys telling her you need a power to go on a mission? Completely valid. They go on missions with armed adults trying to kill them; given that they all thought Vanya was a normal person, her coming along would be both a distraction AND put Vanya in serious danger.

Ultimately, I think Vanya’s breakdown was a mix of absolutely valid anger at genuine abuse and a very childish hurt that was thrown into a different light based on everything else, as well as never really being shown how to regulate her emotions. I hope she gets help and support, because I think she could be great. But the family’s ability to provide that... I don’t know.

#the umbrella academy #tua #luther hargreeves #vanya hargreeves #klaus hargreeves #ben hargreeves #diego hargreeves #allison hargreeves #number five

27 notes · View notes

ladyfl4me · 5 years

Note

A,E,F,G,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z ;o

Okay *cracks knuckles* let’s go! F, M, and S have already been taken from this list, so feel free to send in... B, C, D, or H, I guess. Yeehaw. This is really fucking long.

A: How did you come up with the title to [TMWCIFTC]? -- It started, as many things do, as a bad pun. The novel The Spy who Came In from the Cold was a cold-war spy thriller, about a British spy who goes over to East Germany as an apparent defect, except he’s actually there to spread misinformation and fuck shit up. He falls in love, becomes disillusioned with his superiors, and is shot dead over the corpse of his lover after climbing over to the east side of the wall. Needless to say, this is nowhere close to what happens in TMWCIFTC. I chose it early on because of the literal meaning: there’s a moth(man), he’s coming in from the cold WV weather, boom shaka laka, we have a title. Over time, though, it’s evolved into another meaning. Indrid himself is coming in from an isolated, lonely existence: he’s rejoining the family that cut ties with him, he’s in love, he’s warm and safe. The moth sure did come in from the cold, and hopefully he stays that way.

E: If you wrote a sequel to [TMWCIFTC], what would it be about? -- Hm. Considering my entire TAZ fic career is a tangled hairball of sequels and prequels, I kind of have this base covered. At the moment, TCOS - aka The Children of Sylvain, the sequel to TMWCIFTC - is about three things: a Pine Guard road trip race against time and the feds, the Spanish Sylvan Inquisition That Nobody Expected (least of all Jake and Hollis, who have to set aside their differences and past conflicts to save Kepler - and who knows, maybe they’ll fall in love along the way), and Alexandra the Interpreter getting woke to Sylvan politics and doing what she can from the inside to change them. In other words, it’s going to be a massive sequel that is the finale of the Amnesty alternate universe I’ve created. It’s this series’ Endgame. (That reminds me, I need an actual title for this collection of stories I’m writing. The “Tin Cinematic Universe” doesn’t quite have the ring to it that I’d like.)

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order? -- eh, it kind of depends. It’s like a buffering bar on Youtube videos. I outline what I can until I run out of ideas, then start writing, then add outlines to the end, until the outline is complete and I just have to keep writing.

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)? -- I don’t have one for reading, but for writing, I fucking love structuring chapters around songs. Classical or otherwise, I love music. All my stories play in my head like a movie screen, and I just do my best to describe what I’m seeing in my head with an accompanying score. It’s not so much a guilty pleasure as it is a writing process. Frankly, I don’t think I actually have a guilty pleasure; the act of writing itself is all the happiness I need.

J: Write or describe an alternative ending to [insert fic]. -- An alternate ending for The Devil Went Down To Georgia would be... interesting. It ended with Boyd-as-Jersey-Devil scaring the pants off some poor broke college kid, who stole his worthless fiddle; then he changed back, and he and Ned went on their merry way to go break into Aubrey’s house and send everything down the drain. If there was one thing that I could change in there, it would be how fast Ned ran. If he ran a little faster, he would have seen the alley; he would have witnessed Boyd turning into the Jersey Devil, or at least turning back into himself; and he’d get a very rude awakening as to what Sylvans are and that his partner (in crime, and everything that mattered) was a fucking cryptid. God, that’d be a fun AU to write. Who knows, I might go do that someday.

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with? -- At the moment, the only angsty idea that I’m actually conceptualizing is a Hollis/Jake angsty breakup for TSG. (Spoilers, I guess.) I once wrote a very grimdark ending to TMWCIFTC where everyone fell through the ice and drowned. It wasn’t fun. I’ve also mentally killed off each Amnesty protagonist and NPC in various ways, but I never felt comfortable writing them down. I only write angst with a happy ending because those are the kinds of stories I need to hear.

L: How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting? -- 9 times out of 10, I just throw it into the void. I write as much as I can in big chunks, and then kind of hope for the best. TMWCIFTC, for example, is a completely unedited, unbetaed vomit draft. I usually do a quick reread of my oneshots to catch grammar and spelling errors, but other than that I just trust myself that it’s fine.

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you? -- Can I get some kind of resolution for To the Edge of Night? Can I please get some kind of resolution for To the Edge of Night??? I was 14 chapters into that bastard before I a) became a more casual MCU fan and b) discovered TAZ. It was such a niche fic with such a niche structure - LOTR as galactic Asgardian propaganda to cover up Odin’s mistakes - that at some point I lost interest in it. I just saw Endgame though, so now I might get some inspiration for stuff to bastardize.

O: How do you begin a story–with the plot, or the characters? -- Characters. When coming up with character backstories, I can usually find ways to slot their lives together that necessitate a plot. I love character-driven stories, where their actions actually do shit and their words actually mean something, in favor of getting dragged along behind the plot like tin cans behind a car.

P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?) -- I’m definitely an architect, but in a really messy way. My friends can attest that I do an insane amount of planning for each story - often in their DMs, sorry about that, Fae, Cro, Indy and Aline 😬 - and all that usually ends up in a stream-of-consciousness rant outline on Google Drive. Knowing where the story is going helps me a lot, but the planning I do is definitely just building flower beds in which to sow seeds. Or building a greenhouse. I plan the bare bones of a story, and things get really wild within it, but it does follow a logical plot structure.

Q: How do you feel about collaborations? -- I have a lot of respect for the people who can successfully pull it off, but idk if i’d ever want to do one myself. I get really possessive of my stories and ideas and like to be the one in charge of their execution. That being said, some collabs have produced amazing stories. I don’t mind reading collab fics, but actually being in a collab grates on me more than it should.

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence? -- I’m definitely influenced heavily by Neil Gaiman. I read American Gods and Good Omens a lot while I was trying to write TMWCIFTC; not only was it a good brain break, but I was able to pick up a lot of tips on scene pacing, concise yet expressive language, and character interactions. My creative wriitng professors have always told us to read so we know what to steal - not in terms of content, but in execution.

On the fanfic side, @miamaroo is a huge inspiration for me. I’ve been reading Northern Migration a lot recently, and I love how its canon divergence is so worldshaking and so complex, but is still familiar in nostalgic yet terrifying ways. I read it back in October, went, “Huh, I wanna do something that wild. And if miamaroo can do it then I sure as fuck can too,” and I started planning TMWCIFTC during that one month dead zone the McElroys took last year. Northern Migration is one of the best, most coherent, most stunning, and most incredibly written TAZ Balance AUs I’ve ever read, and if I hadn’t read it, I wouldn’t have been inspired to take the fuckall huge plunge into TMWCIFTC.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist? -- Bed sharing and cuddling, hand kissing, wrist kissing, whump, sympathetic villains. Canon divergent AUs are my absolute favorite things to both read and write. Anything that would turn me into Charlie Kelly slamming his finger on a bulletin board screaming, “CAROL,” is a fic I would give my life for.

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand? -- Not a fan of a) woobification and b) flat villain characterization, to the point where the story is riding on villain tropes instead of an actual person or plot. Character nuance is always something I look for when I read. I don’t usually get bitter about tropes, though; some stuff, when subverted, works really well. I fully subscribe to don’t like, don’t read, don’t write, which is why I don’t write anything that warrants AO3 content warning tags or an Explicit rating, in favor of focusing on plot. Every author has a reason for what they write and how - be it their level of experience, personal preference, or simply the joy of writing something and getting it out there - and I respect that. Within reason, of course.

U: Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much. --

@miamaroo, for reasons I’ve already discussed. My favorite TAZ Balance author hands down. Read Northern Migration and give it the love it deserves, or I’m replacing all the faucets in your house with silly straws.

@transagentstern. Fae has a bunch of absolutely incredible fics and an amazing grasp on characterization. We come from the same place with AUs, in that canon is but the bare planks on which we put the drywall of our plot an characterization. They structure AUs and character backstories from the ground up in believable and emotionally raw ways. Also they have great music taste. I especially like their interpretation of Indrid in Moth to the Flame; he, like all the other characters in the story, is far from perfect, and his character arc is explored in relatable ways that I love to read.

@keplersheetz. Aline - theneonpineapple on AO3 - researches like a motherfucker and has a wealth of knowledge/experience/viewpoints to draw on, making author-author interactions with her an absolute delight. She’s also doing the lord’s work with rarepairs. Spin a wheel, find a ship, and she’s probably written for it or at least conceptualized it. Reading her character studies and stories of the old Pine Guard - aka Mama’s original crew, before the current PCs joined - is always a delight. I’ve also hashed out a lot of details for The Children of Sylvain, especially for Mr. Boyd Mosche, guilt-wracked Jersey Devil extraordinaire, with her help.

V: If you could write the sequel (or prequel) to any fic out there not written by yourself, which would you choose? -- Not gonna lie, I’m fine with a lot of stuff that’s out there right now. It’s been a hot few months since I’ve actually stopped to read fic, but from what I recall, most of the fics I’ve read have done a good job of keeping things intact.

W: Do you like more general prompts, or more specific ones? -- The vaguer, the better. With really specific prompts, it usually feels as if the story’s been written for me already; with vague, general prompts, I have more agency to explore my own ideas. Some accompanying detail is usually nice, though. For example, the coffee shop/college/flower shop AUs that @transagentstern wrote are my ideal prompt for drabbles: premise, a little bit of open-ended detail, clear explanation of what’s going to happen while leaving the rest up to the imagination. Good stuff. If it’s for a long-form piece, though, I prefer full agency, or even just some time to lie facedown in the dirt and wait for an idea to strike me.

X: A character you enjoy making suffer. -- Yes.

Y: A character you want to protect. -- Tim.

Z: Major character death–do you ever write/read it? Is there a character whose death you can’t tolerate? -- I do read lots of major character death, yeah, though not always for TAZ. There’s something cathartic about seeing a character die, but sometimes it sits wrong with me in ways that I don’t like. As for writing, I’d rather kill a character for a reason rather than for shock value/for the Feels, though said Feels can accompany the reason.

#anon please dm me so i know who u are #please #i'm begging you #i'm in hell #asks #anon #ask game

10 notes · View notes

kkruml · 6 years

Text

STAY Chapter 1

@balfeheughlywed wrote a post:

My favorite trope is when the cocky, but emotionally damaged boy falls in love with the good girl, but pushes her away because he knows he will ruin her or she’ll leave him eventually, and while doing so, becomes a jealous asshole when she tries to date other people even though he does the same and then they meet up somewhere and shit happens and they get back together after he admits all of his deep dark secrets and fears and they live happily ever after.

SO.... WE’RE GONNA TRY THIS AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Language and content are a bit NSFW in this fic.

Big props as always to @smoakingwaffles and @missclairebelle for putting up with me.

Oh, and this banner? yeah @missclairebelle worked double time because I canna handle photoshop or editing apps.

AO3

CLAIRE

“This bar isna bad- no’ as good as the pub down the street, but it’ll do,” Geillis’s voice was full of excitement as she eyed Claire. “I hear there’s live music tonight. Straight from the Highlands, the broodish sort. Big, fit- like a Viking. I bet he has a cock to match.”

She coughed into her glass as she gasped for air. “Fuck, Geillis!”

She wiped the beer from her chin, shaking her head as she laughed with her.

Claire had only been in town a few weeks, a recent transfer from Boston. She was still finding her footing; this was a fresh start. Geillis was friendly enough and found a certain thrill in dragging her to bars and clubs since first agreeing to a post-shift drink. Her idea of a Friday night consisted of a good book and favorite spot on the couch. But nights with Geillis were never dull, and she needed the distraction.

Geillis’s lips curled in a coy smile, like a cat looking for her next canary. “Don’t take my word for it, see for yerself, Claire.”

She turned towards the stage, her eyes finding a tall figure. He was kneeling, his hands effortlessly opening his guitar case. His shoulders were broad, his cotton shirt stretched over lines of muscle just peeking through. The spotlight lit his hair like a match, auburn curls just below his ears, resting at the base of his neck. Her eyes lingered on the trail from his nape to his waistline, a faint line of his spine just barely visible.

“Mmm, yes. I might have to fight for it,” Geillis raised her glass, one finger gesturing to the circle of young twenty-somethings crowded around the stage. She took the rest of the liquid in one motion as she winked, “But I canna wait to dig my nails into that back tonight.”

Claire laughed, turning back to the bar, one finger circling the rim of her glass as her mind wandered back to the hospital. It was a tough day; one drink wasn’t going to cut it.

The sound of buzzing from the amp pulled her from her thoughts, and she took the last of her beer, motioning for a refill. The song was slow and the notes pierced her skin with an unexpected melancholy. The voice behind her was deep and soft, with an edge to it, a Scottish lilt lingering just under the surface.

“Are ye no’ gonna enjoy the show?” Her voice was soft and teasing, “the song’s no’ bad either.”

She rolled her eyes, nodding. Was that really all she could think about?

She took a sip of her fresh beverage before rotating towards the stage, and she froze.

Fuck.

The musician in front of her was flawless. The line of his jaw set square, his lips formed the words with a startling intimacy that took her breath away. She felt a heat creep under her skin as dark blue eyes widened and locked onto her. The guitar reflected the lights, almost blinding her. His gaze pierced through her, a pulse of heat settled in her belly as her muscles clenched at the sensation.

An elbow to the rib shocked her back to reality as she blinked, breaking her gaze as she turned towards Geillis.

“Don’t tell me I need to fight you for him, too?”

Her cheeks blushed a deep red as she bit her lip and shook her head. Based on the table in front of him, captained by locks of long blonde hair, there was no way she was his type. What would she even say to someone like… him.

Jamie

The same crowd was there, perched in their seats, waiting. He didn’t need to look to know who was front and center. Laoghaire. He let out a deep exhale- he was worried she’d be here. They had their fun- a lot of it, but he was honest with her about not wanting anything more… he always was.

But she was here anyways, all heart-eyes and drooling. He shrugged his shoulders, trying to relax the muscles in his neck as he reached into the case, grabbing his guitar. He checked each string before grabbing his cloth and taking an extra moment to shine the polished mahogany before plugging into the amp.

Another night, another set of the same songs.

His fingers found the strings, an all-too familiar pattern as he scanned the crowd, groaning slightly as his eyes circled to the table in front of him. Same girls, same looks.

The lyrics came without thought and he strummed mindlessly as his eyes scanned the bar. The spotlight created a halo of light that obscured his view but he caught a flash of red hair contrasted against a set of emerald eyes that were intent on him. Even from a distance, he could read her body language enough to know what she was thinking. He blinked slowly as he smiled to himself. Perhaps.

The thought was lost to him when his eyes caught the form next to her, a mess of dark brown curls, narrow shoulders slightly hunched forward- seemingly disinterested in everything he was doing onstage.

A modest, loose cotton white t-shift settled against her thin frame and faded jeans cupped the round of her hips. She shifted her weight from side to side, her white converse shoes flashed against the dark of the dirty bar floor as she rolled each ankle.

Had she been on her feet all day?

Everything about her was in stark contrast to the redhead. This lass wasn’t looking for attention, and it intrigued him. He didn’t look away, instead his lip curled slightly at the corner, a small smile pulled at his lip as his voice formed the next few words, finding sudden interest.

He trained his gaze on her, waiting for her to turn. When she did, he found himself staring into a deep gold of amber. There was an innocence to her face; her eyes were wide and honest.

She was the one to break their contact, and he found himself wanting.

Hm. That was different.

He watched her for another moment.

So she was with here the redhead, then.

His pick hit the strings with more vigor as he let the last note hang in the air, looking down at the set list- counting the songs until his break. Eight.

He normally paused between songs, finding some measure of enjoyment in watching the table of girls in front of him get excited and swoon. A quick wink here, a knowing smile there. He knew exactly what buttons to press and how to secure company for the night.

But not tonight.

After strumming the final chord, he set his guitar on its stand and stepped off the side of the stage, finding the most direct route to the bar. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Laoghaire advancing towards him. He had just enough time to brace himself as her arms wrapped around his neck, blonde hair flooded his vision and the faint trace of red wine lingering on her breath invaded his senses. His eyes darted towards the bar, seeing whisky amber watching him before her gaze again flickered away.

FUCK.

His hands reached for Laoghaire’s and he untangled himself, smiling curtly as he headed towards the bar.

CLAIRE

The final song finished and the soft hum of Pandora filled the space as her eyes settled into the bottom of her glass.

I was right.

That table was engrossed in his every movement. Sure- they had made eye contact, but she knew she was just another face- another challenge. She shifted back to the bar, sighing deeply, frustrated at her disappointment. She would not be just another conquest, a victory to claim and quickly discarded.

A weight settled beside her; a solid, warm line of skin met hers as she felt an electric charge shoot through her arm. Her eyes darted to the point of contact and she held her breath. A muscular arm rested next to her, the rope of well-developed tricep just veiled under a thin cotton shirt. She swallowed hard as her eyes traced the line of muscle to his shoulder and neck, finding auburn curls.

Her breath shook somewhat as she slowly raised her eyes to his, peaking through eyelashes.

Bloody hell.

“Ye like the music sae far, lass?” His accent was thick, his smile burning into her as she struggled to keep her balance.

“It’s alright.” She shrugged, trying for indifference as her pulse radiated into her fingertips. She grabbed her glass and took a long sip.

He laughed, his brows creasing slightly as he looked down, nodding slightly. “Havena seen ye here before, are ye new in town?”

She laughed into her glass, trying to clear her throat as she looked at him, shaking her head. “Well that’s an original line laddie buck.”

“I dinna mean-“ he stuttered, a faint rosy hue forming on his cheeks. He looked uncomfortable, unsure of himself as he trailed off, looking at her- helpless.

“Oh I think I know what you meant,” her voice was harsher than she intended- she was acting more confident than she felt. A quick glance at the table by the stage indicated he would have no trouble stroking his ego tonight.

“What a bonny voice ye have there,” her voice purred as she slipped between them.

Geilis was nothing if not subtle, and Claire said a silent thank you as she took another deep pull of her beer, clearing her head. He was too close, her brain hitched and she needed space so she could think of something other than the curve of his lip and line of his cheekbone as he smiled. She didn’t need to think about those strong hands as he played, imagining them trace the lines of her skin as he-

Stop it Beauchamp.

Jamie

So, she had noticed the lasses.

She wasn’t wrong either. He had enjoyed himself, to be sure, mostly to fill the void- a distraction, other times in moments of weakness or boredom. But this lass, this Sassenach, she was different. Her foreignness caught him off guard.

“Will ye play more for us, then?” He could hear the menace in the redhead’s voice. He turned, seeing emerald eyes sparkling, locked on him. “Ye play sae lovely.”

Catching her accent, he smiled and nodded, “Morain Taing.”

“Aye, yer quite welcome,” she was almost purring as her gaze traveled the length of his body. His eyes shifted to the lass behind her, searching for whisky eyes but found only dark brown curls hiding her face.

“Oh, aye…” He paused, holding his gaze, willing this Sassenach to look up at him. “But I was just about to head outside for a moment to catch some fresh air.”

He saw the spark of an invitation on her face and before she could respond, his hand reached past her and softly rested on ivory skin, just below the mess of brown curls.

“Care to join me?” His voice was direct and his head cocked, eyes looking past the redhead- leaving no question as to which lass he was speaking.

He watched the golden amber darken as she blinked hard. She looked bewildered but nodded silently, placing her drink on the bar top before standing to follow him.

CLAIRE

“Beautiful night, aye?” He leaned against the side of the building, eyeing her.

“I suppose it is.” She returned his stare, crossing her arms and shifting her weight to one leg. “So what exactly am I doing out here?”

“Tis a bit crowded in there, is all,” he voice sounded controlled, but she saw a slight twitch in his shoulders- he looked almost nervous. “Just wanted a moment of peace before I go back onstage.”

“If you wanted peace, why did you ask me to come with you?” He wasn’t making sense.

“”I meant-I…” the question puzzled him and he suddenly looked lost. His veneer of confidence looked to crack at the edges as he ran his fingers through his hair. “All I meant was… Christ.”

Her brows raised as her eyes shifted from his to see his hand. It was almost shaking, two fingers drumming to a nonexistent tune. She had no idea what he was trying to say, so she waited.

“Sassenach, I just meant to… want to-” He was coming undone as he struggled for words. He exhaled hard before shrugging his shoulders in defeat. “Yer no’ like the other lasses in there and I just wanted a bit o’ time to get to know ye.”

He thought I was different- well he was right.

She wasn’t his type- that much she knew. But she wanted to know exactly what he meant by that, so she took a step closer, asking, “How do you know I’m not like the other girls in there?”

“Because…” His eyes were a deep blue and his face contorted slightly as the words hit him. “Ye dinna linger at the sage, lookin’ for my attention.” His laugh had an edge to it as he finished, “Thought I’d have to fight to get ye’ alone out here- just to feel the calm ye bring with ye.”

She stared at him, the flash of confidence she felt only moments ago about her first impression was replaced with confusion.

He seemed to take her silence as a nod to continue. “Ye have a way of making me smile- and the smile lingers, for nae reason at all.” His accent was coming stronger with each word. “I canna explain it… it’s just, ye seem to bewitch me, and I dinna want it to stop.”

His words caught her off guard, and she stood there- seeing his eyes wide and searching for a response.

Was this really how she spoke to the other girls?

She took a deep breath, lungs searching for air that was not heavy with his aroma- traces of jasmine, shampoo, and fresh linen. She stared at him as his face tensed, “My name isn’t Sassenach.”

“I’m sorry if I offended ye,” his words came fast, almost jumbled, “I mean no dis-”

A soft smile formed on her face as she held out her hand. “It’s Claire.”

He returned the smile as a look of relief washed over him. He took her hand, large fingers encompassing it as he replied, “Jamie.”

JAMIE

They lingered for a moment- hands clasped tight, a charge between them and he felt a rush of adrenaline coupled with a sense of calm. Her face twitched and he was sure she felt it, too. A rosy pigment painted her cheeks as she pulled her hand back- breaking the connection, but the sensation of her touch lingered on his fingertips.

“You’re right, you know.” Her voice was soft. “I am a Sassenach, I suppose. I haven’t been in Edinburgh very long- just a few weeks.”

“It was a fair guess,” his tone matched hers as he felt his muscles relax. “This city is no’ so big… after a while ye see the same faces.”

She nodded slowly, eyes wandering for a moment before refocusing. “I was in America before… Boston.”

He caught the hitch in her breath as she struggled for the last word, and he resisted asking for more.

She seemed to take the silence as a gift, and after a deep breath, she turned back towards the door. She paused, not speaking or moving, but he could see a myriad of thoughts behind that smooth whisky amber.

“Och, weel…I suppose I should get back to the stage, aye?” He was sorry to leave; he wanted to anchor himself to that spot- in this moment, with her- Claire.

A hint of a smile crept across her face as she took a small step forward. “Yes, I suppose so.”

He held the door open for her, gesturing for her to lead the way. She paused, looking down at her hands, fingers now knotted together.

“Ye alright, Claire?” He felt a warmth in his chest as he said her name, and he let it simmer as his eyes watched her.

“Y-Yes… I was just thinking it’s getting late and I should go.” He thought he caught the hint of disappointment in her voice.

She took a deep breath before looking up at him, a slight blush to her chees as she smiled. “Can I see your phone… just for a moment?”

His eyebrows creased in confusion, but he passed it to her without hesitation. She took it and he watched as her thumbs danced across the screen. She passed it back to him, the smile traveling across her mouth and it lit the golden hue of her eyes.

“It was nice meeting you, Jamie.” She turned without another look.

He watched her form as it disappeared around the corner and he let out a long-held breath. He looked at his phone- the screen still on “add contact.” He scrolled to “C”- finding no new entries and his smile faded. He blinked, looking back at the direction she had turned, and then back towards his phone. His thumb traveled through the alphabet to “S” and he smiled.

Sassenach.

He took a deep breath before reaching for the door, shaking his head slightly.

We are both in trouble, lass.

#STAY fic #outlander #fan fic #outlander fan fic #new fic #this one might be a slow burn #or one big dumpster fire #it's too early to tell #the gaelic word is missing a symbol #but the last time i tried to insert it #it crashed the story #and i had to rewrite 4 pages of it #so it stays #sahhhry

478 notes · View notes

doux-ciel · 6 years

Text

Victim Chapter Eight

|WARNINGS|: Graphic Violence, Death, Angst, Emotionally Heavy, Talk of Suicide.

⚠️YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!⚠️

Tagged: @erinisawriter @sugarmommamusings @theouterdark @pazwrites @godxblooded @farore5 @ghost-possum @delphwrites @sauwrites @seraphilth @felwrites @xanderswriteblr @writing-in-the-margins @wallpatterns @riftversus @remorse--less @cvlms @velvet-moss @niva-writes

*Let me know if you want to be added/removed*

Masterlist: 🔪🔪🔪

Message

I Never Lose. Either I win or I Learn. - Anonymous

Leyla

I turn to the left on the intersection of Figueroa street and Soto street; when I reach down to grab my phone that fell on the floor earlier today. I feel something on my finger, when I bring my hand up I'm holding a piece of hair. I scrunch my eyebrows confused, placing both my hands back on the wheel as I am keeping straight. The radio playing softly in the background. I quickly glance at Melanie, “Next time don't try and get all your hair in my car when you brush it Melanie"

Melanie chuckles and places her bare feet on the dashboard. "You don't own me"

I've told this girl a thousand times to not put her feet on my dashboard but does she listen?

No.

I shake my head as I approach a stoplight, gently pressing the brake pedal, I start to smack Melanie's feet off of the dashboard. We did this for about 2 minutes, me attempting to smack her legs and Melanie moving her feet before I hit her. She finally places her feet on the carpet, both of us laughing. I see the light turn green, then I see Melanie's body language shift it was like she was in a trance, her eyes glued to the radio. Nothing but the sound of Labrinth singing Jealous. Bringing her hand up to the radio volume knob, turning up the music.

Cause I wished you the best of, All this world could give

And I told you when you left me

There's nothing to forgive

But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery

It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way

You're happy without me.

¤ ¤ ¤

When we finally get to the bar it was 10:00 p.m. We see some people just hanging around outside, when we walk in it's moderately packed. Some people at the bar and some people sitting down just a casual crowd.

They just added in the new Karaoke lounge it was sitting smack dab in the front, I look up and see that there are two seats open right on the edge of the bar. I quickly grab Melanie's hand speed walking over to the two seats.

"Can I get a Vodka Tonic" I say to the bartender.

He turns his attention to Melanie, she takes a seat next to me smoothing out her dress. "I'll have the same"

While waiting we turn around and see that they turned on the karaoke machine, we both decide to listen in. A man goes up looks to be mid 50's caucasian and the way he's dressed you can definitely tell he's a tourist, we can hear his wife screaming his name while clapping.

As he starts to sing Livin' On a Prayer. Melanie and I can't control our laughter. Melanie turns to me, we give each other a look and start laughing again, in between laughing I hear Melanie. "Oh my gosh that guy sounds like my mom when she's singing in the shower"

I'm trying to control myself to not be too loud, that's when I look behind Melanie and see Piper.

Just when we were having a good night.

"Melanie" Piper says as she sits beside my best friend.

Melanie's smile turns into a frown when she turns her chair over to see Piper staring at her. "Piper"

Piper leans her body back, waving over to me. "Hey Leyla"

I nod smiling muttering a quiet hello

I could see Melanie's leg shaking minutes go by, finally our drinks arrive. As I'm about to bring the drink up to my lips, I hear Melanie. "Where's the security footage?"

I almost spit out my drink when I hear her say that, Piper looks just as shocked as me but more so she looks thrown off by the question.

"What are you-"

Melanie waves her off, smacking her lips. "Don't give me that bullshit excuse, Leyla and Grey talked to that security officer....he told them about you Piper and your services"

I see Piper clamping down on her clutch, gripping it so tight that her already pale knuckles are turning white. She takes a breath in and lets it out quickly. "So what do you want to know?"

"Why did erase the security footage...the night that Joslyn died?"

"I had my reasons" Piper answers simple. She grins. "You really think that security officer would tell the cops that it was me? He's not going to risk losing his job. You can't prove anything and It's not illegal"

"It is if it has to do with your best friend's death!" Melanie shouts, causing the whole bar to look over at us. I hear a bunch of whispering.

They need to stop arguing now. I already felt bad about Grey almost killing that security officer yesterday and now this.

I can sense a lot of hostility in the room with Melanie and Piper, I decided to interject myself into the conversation.

"You wanna do karaoke?" I ask.

"What?" they both say in unison.

I stand up from my seat and put my drink on the coaster, before I repeat."Do. You. Want. To. Do. Karaoke"

Piper pauses, looking back and forth at me and Melanie, she glances at Melanie once again. "Is she serious?"

I see Melanie jump down from the bar stool and sigh. "Sadly...she is".

I turn around and walk over to Piper, I grab her hand and pull her up from the stool. I walk back over to Melanie and take a hold of her hand as well, leading us over to the crowd of people waiting for their turn to get up on the tiny stage.

"C'mon lets just forget about the arguing, the fighting, and the secrets and lets just have a good time...take our minds off of everything for just one night."

¤ ¤ ¤

After at least 2 hours of Leyla, Piper and even Melanie singing they shut the bar down, as the bar owner closes up shop all three girls stand outside. Piper is waiting for her driver at the sidewalk. Leyla went to go bring the car around when she was at the turn to make a left towards Melanie and Piper.

Leyla sees Melanie leaning closer to Piper, whispering something in her ear. Pipers nods her head as If agreeing to something Melanie says. Piper lifts her head up towards Leyla as she pulls up and starts smiling. Leyla brings the window down and shouts at Melanie "C’mon girl get your butt in this car before I leave you"

"I'm coming". Melanie starts to walk toward the passenger side door but before she opens the door she looks at Piper.

"Goodnight"

¤ ¤ ¤

After an evening of laughter and singing it's time for Leyla to head to bed. Already gotten her shower and brushed her teeth she climbs into bed, getting under her covers. She grabs her tablet that is sitting on the nightstand charging, unplugging it from the charger cable and presses in her passcode.

Leyla usually listens to ASMR to help her go to sleep, she clicks on YouTube but something stops her...she remembers the song Melanie was listening to in the car. She looks up the song lyrics, finding the song she clicks on it scrolling down and reading the comments she sees someone wrote in the comments below the video: Jaelynn's favorite song #Neverforget

Leyla's fingers click out of youtube and go on safari she goes to the search engine and types in the name Jaelynn Davis. Leyla is Shook, she sees posts, online articles, a bunch of stuff dealing with Jaelynn. clicking the third link down from the page she gasps when reading it.

JAELYNN DAVIS FOUND DEAD IN HER OWN HOME.

Published: February 2nd 2014

Jaelynn Davis a 15 year old teenage girl was found dead in her home by her mother. It was after a school dance and her mother kissed her cheek goodnight, not knowing it would be the last time she would see her daughter. The family is heartbroken at the loss of their youngest member, her sister Melanie said a few words at the memorial they had out for Jaelynn at the school. "She was clever and bright, she loved reading and doing her work. These bullies....teased her relentlessly, just because she was a bit different. These disgusting people killed me sister."

Describing her as an intelligent young girl. The schools counselor Diana Russ explains. "The whole school is deeply saddened by Jaelynn's death. Her death is a terrible waste of a life. At 15 years old, she should have been living a carefree life, she should've enjoyed the school's dance, but instead she was ashamed and felt that she had to end her life. The people that are responsible for her death and or anyone who stood by and watched it happen passively should be punished."

Leyla couldn't keep reading the article, she felt the tears fall down her face, now she knew why Melaine never told her about her sister, it was probably too hard for her to talk about.

Now she knows about Jaelynn, the secret sister.

Leyla knows about the suicide.

7 notes · View notes

cosmosogler · 7 years

Text

not sure what to do right now.

today was really bad... not because anything particularly bad happened (other than i got back my e&m test and it had... comments on it), but because i just really didn’t feel good emotionally. i just felt like doing nothing all day and didn’t get ANY work done at all.

like literally none.

we saw the ligo update during classical at least... and he moved the assignment back to wednesday. so i have one more day to dick around before i have to turn in whatever i have.

not going to have a lot of time tomorrow but we’ll see how that goes.

during my lunch break i went down to check out the lab but the students and professor seemed to be on lunch break. i arranged a meeting time over email after that instead. so i’ll be checking it out tomorrow after my office hour.

after quantum i holed up in suzanne’s office and got sick after trying to eat the pasta salad i made on sunday. i’d say that was a flop. it just didn’t have very good materials for being recooked i think. beans don’t handle being dehydrated and rehydrated as well as other stuff maybe. i’ll try a different brand next time.

during my office hour i really wanted to grade but then i just didn’t. i wanted to check something real quick, and then it was an hour later and my student showed up for the meeting with my supervisor.

i felt really, really bad telling the student i wasn’t really in much control over their situation or how much help they got. i had a nervous very fake smile plastered on my face and i just didn’t know what to say at all. i hated it. i wanted to solve everything but i didn’t have the answers. and it was also so, so hard to focus on the conversation. half the time i straight up didn’t understand what the words meant when the supervisor was talkin. i had trouble standing up the right way. i wanted to fall asleep.

so i felt stupid and slow the rest of the day after that. while i was back in suzanne’s office very specifically not doing any grading or homework i talked to harrison a little bit about how he was doing since i noticed his jokes were getting very dark. i don’t remember much else about that 40 minutes. we talked about something that i enjoyed... i was trying to tell a few stories from high school and i didn’t get through a single one. i kept getting interrupted and eventually i just bellowed something like “WELL AT LEAST YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO HEAR THAT PUN, BECAUSE WHEN I GET CONSTANTLY INTERRUPTED NONE OF MY JOKES CAN LAND. SO YOU GOT SPARED.” jennica yelled back and leaned way in and i told her to get out of my face but she took it good-naturedly.

e&m sucked. straight up. i got my test back. 9/30. nothing i do matters at all. i could do nothing but study physics for a year straight and still fail a basic quiz.

ok, well, studying with suzanne and john meant i got one more point on the test than last time.

i could get a perfect score on every quiz for the rest of the semester and the final and still only pass with a c+. i don’t know what to do. the grad advisor sent me an email about one of the professors who’s available for some tutoring. i sent her an email asking when she could meet.

while the class was going, instead of taking any notes, i stared at the floor, or blankly stared at the professor. i felt like i had never seen him before, and also never seen a blackboard before. i thought about what would happen if i dropped out. nothing good. i don’t want to do that. i don’t know what would happen to snoopy. or my savings. or really anything.

i felt like i had always been in that room for a million years but also like i had never existed in the first place. i felt like this is just what my life is like now. i move and get punched in the gut no matter which direction i step in. but i can’t just stand still. it doesn’t matter what tools i equip myself with. it always comes down to getting socked until my appendix explodes or something i don’t know where else to take that metaphor.

i hate this. i hate feeling stupid. retarded. you know. like mom said i am. after class i sat in my chair quietly while my classmates talked about where to get dinner before their class met for the second time today in preparation for the e&m midterm. i hate that i have a good week and then i spend the next three weeks being unable to think straight, or talk normal, or basically do anything school related. and then i get behind AND out of practice and i have to spend my good week playing catch up until i’m so exhausted that my depression gets bad again for three weeks. and also i get sick and i’m still sick and it’s been a month since this cold/flu thing started and i’m still coughing hard and sick and retching and i get sick every time i eat before 2 in the afternoon. and my nose is always stuffy and my face is scratchy and scabbed and healing too slow.

the cut doesn’t look as bad today and also isn’t as rough or raised from inflammation or whatever. so it’s healing. just... slowly. my surgical incisions still have that sort of raised bumpy quality that means they got more healing to do.

the surgeon said the incisions shouldn’t leave scars. but they’re still so... raw looking. not off-color in any way, just... sore. i get phantom habit pains whenever i jam something directly into my side where the largest incision is. it’s right near my elbow level so i just have things around that height at all times. trying to hold boxes, door knobs, stuff like that.

“tired” isn’t really the right word to be using. but it’s, like, the closest thing i got. weary. irritable. consumed. haggard.

i played a round of smash bros with keegan and harrison and we showed soham how to play. the controller i picked up was gunky and dusty and the a and b buttons were not responsive. there was something really disorienting about pressing buttons that are practically second nature and expecting something to happen and getting nothing and then running directly off the edge because my character didn’t stop to do the charge attack like i wanted.

hash tag relatable.

after that we went to relish for dinner. i biked over there. it didn’t take long at all. i got shunted off to a table by myself though because they were only set for four people and we had five. i had trouble hearing the conversation. the burger was good at least. but it was hard to participate, and then they all had to leave so quickly for their review session. i biked home and almost got hit by a car at a stop sign.

i guess i forgot that the stop sign is only there for one direction and not the other two.

i wanted to grade when i got home but instead of that, i goofed off and did nothing for three hours! then it was 9:00!! so i checked my comics!!!

one of them updated and it Fueled me. i wish i had someone to talk to about it. feels weird trying to describe it or recommend it to anyone though.

i’m kind of stuck in a bind there because on the one hand i hate sharing stuff that i find personally important. i hate sharing stuff that actually matters for real. but i also really like some stuff and think other people would like it too and i would like to like it together and be a little happier or maybe introduce someone to something that touches them. asher liked jojo way more than i thought he would and that was basically the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

it’s just risky is all. sharing stuff that doesn’t matter is... less dangerous. describing my day. stuff i did. how i feel. embarrassing times i got whacked in the face or whatever.

but stuff that matters? things that i hold close and think about every day? what i love?

i dunno. sharing that is scary. here i am only vaguely alluding to this comic that’s basically consumed my feelings and tears for like 6 months straight. i check it every day.

i know it’s not exactly my situation but it just... i dunno. reminds me of my childhood in a kind of way. i was alone though.

i think... maybe besides asher. or maybe even jim. really private thoughts. my favorite things ever. poetry. the last time i shared anything that really mattered was with craig.

well, we all know how that went.

at 9:20 after letting myself feel an emotion for once i got started grading. three hours after i wanted to start. i could have finished. but i didn’t do that! i didn’t even watch youtube videos or ANYTHING! i listened to one song a lot and i’ve learned it pretty well. i’d like to play it on the piano sometime if i could find any sheet music simplifying an extremely busy, textured piece haha.

at least i remembered to wear my reading glasses for a little while... my head doesn’t hurt as badly as it could have.

but instead of finishing my grading i got through like 6 pages. out of 180 that i need to have done by tomorrow. 540 by thursday.

i’m not going to have it done by tomorrow. or thursday. then my midterm is on friday and we’re all terrified. during our quantum review this morning the professor told us to focus on “math and physics” and then summarized everything we’ve learned in the class so far. Very Rude.

well. guess i need to at least finish this round of pages before bed. i want to keep writing... it’s not that i don’t express myself honestly around other people. i just don’t express myself. i guess. genuinely. fully. i don’t know.

oz is very open. i enjoy talking to him. we both just seem to have so little time or energy. and i am very afraid of, yet again, being Just Too Much.

right now i don’t want to do anything but cry.

last night when i laid in bed to sleep my back and hips started really hurting, like cramping up, like when i lay flat on my stomach playing my gameboy or reading a book for too long and try to sit up. i reached around to touch my back and maybe find what was hurting so bad and i realized that, just, my entire back hurts. every muscle from the sides all the way around the back. touching the muscles back there felt like jabbing my fingers directly into a bruise and i wanted to die because it didn’t stop hurting even after i stopped touching anything.

i’m too scared to think about getting a massage or anything like that. my scarring is so extensive on my right side... that and i just don’t like situations that are supposed to be relaxing. can’t stand hot tubs unless i’m just dicking around with my cousins. immediately suspicious of “relaxing voices.” except bob ross. that guy was legit. mostly because he was focused on painting and having a good time making his art. in group therapy back in spring we discussed asmr. makes me feel nauseous and grody. i only touch aromatherapy when i’m absolutely by myself and i basically dunk my pillows in lavender. doesn’t help me sleep though.

AND SLEEPING? GOD!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T DO THAT AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IF SOMEONE GRABS ME???????? IT’S HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE.

i don’t like people touching me. can you imagine, laying on your stomach around someone you don’t know and you can’t see them directly while they get their hands all over you and make weird noises that other people find soothing but you just find to be false advertising?

but i don’t know what to do about my back. it hurts to lay down. my jaw hurts all the time. it is never not sore and tender. my shoulders are basically bricks.

i feel like i’m never going to get any better than this. i can’t change any more. i’m not good enough. i can’t keep doing this.

something good... i can’t think of anything.

i wasn’t even really that frustrated when i yelled about getting interrupted for the five thousandth time. it seemed like the funniest thing to do in that specific situation. standing up for myself is only easy when it’s funny! no wonder no one can take me seriously.

i gotta teach tomorrow. i guess that’s something. i really care about how my students are doing in their studies. at least, i hope i care. it’s hard to remember what it feels like sometimes, what to call that feeling. i try to be more “big sister” than “mom” but it seems like, in people’s minds, there might be a lot of overlap there. or it gets defaulted to mom and then it’s hard to pry yourself out of that box.

like i think of my students and i immediately think, “yeah i care about them!” but then i don’t actually feel anything? it’s just an instinctive thought without any ability to feel attached. that might come through in my grading. i’m not sure.

anyway it’s 11 and i haven’t made any more progress on my grading. might have to... put it away for the night and try to sleep. keeping myself physically healthy is going to help me more this week than finishing the grading. well, to think of it another way, getting sick right before my last (hardest? least predictable) midterm is a way worse idea than dealing with the consequences of not having the grading done and letting three labs stack up. gotta make a choice i guess. can’t do both today. just gotta... tell myself i’ll have more energy tomorrow, even if i don’t believe it.

1 note · View note

kareenvorbarra · 7 years

Text

rarepair 2017 letter

Hello Author! Thank you so much for writing for me. I hope this letter makes sense and gives you some inspiration.

ETA: NOW COMPLETE, and I’m terribly sorry for the delay.

General Preferences

With a few exceptions that I’ll specify later, I don’t want any smut or sex-focused fics. In a few cases (also specified below), I’d prefer there not be any sex in the relationship at all, even if it’s just implied. I don’t want any of my requested ships to be portrayed as abusive or unloving - even where there is angst or confusion, I imagine that all of these people genuinely love and care about one another and are trying their best. However, some of the characters on this list have experienced canonical rape and/or other types of abuse in other relationships, and I’m absolutely fine with those issues being addressed. No alternate-setting AUs, please.

Silmarillion - Huor/Rian, Idril/Tuor, Idril/Tuor/Voronwe, Barahir/Emeldir, Finduilas/Gwindor/Turin, Beren/Luthien, Eilinel/Gorlim, Hurin/Morwen

Huor/Rían

This is one of the ships that I actually wish someone would write smut for. Vanilla, for sure, but beyond that almost any situation would be great. Huor and Rian having cute, slightly awkward first time sex between their betrothal and the wedding. Huor and Rian having angsty comfort sex the night before he leaves for the Nirnaeth. Anything else that you can come up with, as long as it also includes plenty of emotions and characterization.

If you don’t want to write a sex scene (it’s cool, I don’t like writing them much either) literally almost anything else would be good. Cute! Angsty! Both! Ideally I would like it to be set when they are both actually adults and start getting romantic, whether that’s at the very beginning of their relationship, or during their brief marriage. Some ideas:

Them talking about the bad things that have happened to them, about the impact that war has had on their lives, and helping each other deal with those memories.

Rian still has nightmares, though not as frequently as she did as a child. Write about the first time she has one after getting married.

Something about the two of them interacting with music? Is Huor musical? Does he sing, or play an instrument like his brother? Or does he just really love listening to Rian sing? Or something about them dancing together - what are Hadorian social dances like?

Idril/Tuor

First of all, if you end up writing a fic about these two, I’d like to request that Maeglin not appear in it. Other characters can mention him if you want, but I’d really rather the story not focus on him in any significant way.

As another general rule, I’m not interested in interpretations of these characters that gloss over their pasts, particularly Tuor’s - you don’t have to directly address the loss and abuse he experienced as a child, but please don’t write him in a way that doesn’t make sense in light of those events. I would also really love a fic where Idril and Tuor talk about bad things in their pasts for the first time.

Also, Idril and Tuor talking about Huor and Hurin! Bonus if it includes Idril singing a Hadorian song or speaking a bit of Hadorian that she learned from them, and Tuor being excited but also sad.

Again, a nightmare fic (that’s...going to be a bit of a theme in my requests) would be wonderful. Either Idril or Tuor has a violent nightmare and the other one has to wake them and help them calm down.

Idril/Tuor/Voronwe

Not looking for sex with this one, but cuddlepiles/bed-sharing would be excellent.

Three-way co-parenting after Earendil comes along.

Tuor gets some kind of non-life-threatening but very nasty human illness that keeps him off his feet for a while, and Idril and Voronwe freak out and dote on him a lot. He tries to get them to calm down, but once he’s managed to convince them he isn’t dying he rather enjoys the attention - it’s been a long time since anyone has fussed over him while he’s been sick, and he’d mostly forgotten how it felt to be so thoroughly cared for.

The three of them keeping each other going after the Fall of Gondolin and leaning on each other for support and comfort during the long, dangerous journey to Sirion.

Barahir/Emeldir

I’d be down for reading a sex scene with these two if you feel like writing one! I imagine they are both active, physically affectionate people who are really comfortable with each other and know each other’s bodies very well. They also like to dance and spar together, and I’d love to read a fic about them engaging in any of these activities, before or after their marriage.

As with Huor/Rian and Morwen/Hurin, I would welcome angsty pre-battle comfort scenes, with or without sex. Or anything about them relying on each other during the Bragollach.

I’d love anything that plays up the battle couple aspect of their relationship, whether that’s them sparring, teaching young Beren how to fight, getting caught in an ambush while on patrol together, or something else.

Finduilas/Gwindor/Túrin

No sex please, but I’d be on board for some awkward, angsty, emotionally-charged cuddling.

What would a genuinely happy moment between the three of them look like?

What would happen in an AU where they all managed to talk about their feelings for each other and work out some of their emotional issues together? Again, I am always here for cuddling and other forms of non-sexual intimacy.

I don’t have a whole lot of ideas for these three, but basically I want it to be emotional and at least a little angsty but where they all care about each other deeply, though not all in the same way and not always sufficiently expressed.

Beren/Luthien

As with Tuor, I’m not interested in characterization that doesn’t take into account the unimaginable trauma and suffering that Beren experienced in the years before meeting Luthien. I’d love to see any of that explored in their relationship - how does he readjust to speech after living alone in a forest for so long? When does he begin to tell Luthien details about his past and family members? What do they do on those days when Beren is overwhelmed by guilt and grief, even though he now lives a peaceful life with his wife and son?

I do want their relationship to be strong and loving and based on mutual respect rather than deference - they would do anything for each other, but they also disagree sometimes and don’t always act in ways they other approves of. They respect each other’s abilities even though they fear for each other’s safety.

I do think they had some forest sex in the months before Daeron outed them, but I also think it took Beren a while to be emotionally ready for that kind of intimacy (and I don’t think he’d had much sexual experience, if any, before Luthien). I’d love to read about that as a gradual process, where Luthien is the more experienced person and is kind of initiating things, but also being careful and respectful of Beren’s boundaries.

Literally anything about these two!!! I love them!!!! A fic exploring any point in their story between their first meeting and Thingol’s death would be great.

Eilinel/Gorlim

I’d love anything for these two, really. I’d say no sex in the interest of focusing on characterization, since these two don’t get much of it, but I really just want to read something that they both appear in as living people.

Anything cute about their lives together! When did they meet, how did they meet, when/why did they fall in love? How long had they been married when the war began? Did they want children?

In addition to or instead of the above prompt, some good pre-battle angst of the sort that seems fairly ubiquitous in my favorite Edain ships. What happened the last time they saw each other alive?

Húrin/Morwen

In my headcanons about these two, they were betrothed in their early teens to help tie the Beorian refugees to the Hadorian community, and didn’t get married until years later. If this idea appeals to you, I’d love to read something about them getting to know each other. Their personalities are very different, so how do they get along at the beginning? How do they come to grow fonder of each other?

I also imagine both of them not having had sex with anyone before they get married, and I’d love to read some cute/awkward first time wedding night sex.

Something about the two of them being super happy at Huor and Rian’s wedding (with maybe also an undercurrent of worry about the plans for the upcoming war, especially on Morwen’s part).

Morwen helping Hurin deal with the death of his father, and with the fact that he now has to assume leadership of his people at the age of 21.

And again, angsty pre-Nirnaeth comfort sex would be welcome.

Vorkosigan Saga - Duv Galeni/Delia Koudelka, Drou/Kareen Vorbarra, Harra Csurik/Lem Csurik

I love Duv and Delia and I think they’re pretty underrated! One thing I’d like to see is Duv first opening up to Delia about his family and the things he did during the rebellions on Komarr. At what point in their relationship did they finally discuss these things? Bonus points if you work in his birth name and his feelings about it in some way. I’d also love anything about them and their kids, with any combination of fluff and angst as they adjust to being parents and reflect on the ways Barrayar and Komarr have changed since their own childhoods. Another idea: Delia traveling to Komarr for the first time and actually seeing all the places she’s heard about, or Duv going to meet some of Delia’s extended family for the first time (maybe Drou’s father and brothers, or Kou’s sister?). I’m interested in stories about them exploring their cultural differences and learning more about each other.

Drou/Kareen is kind of a complicated one - I don’t imagine them ever having sex or really talking about their relationship in terms of romance, but still becoming intensely devoted to each other and basically being the most important people in each other’s lives, something that, in different circumstances, might have turned into a romantic relationship. I’d like something set any time during Drou’s years as Kareen’s bodyguard. The main thing I’d like to see for this ship is maybe-romantic-maybe-platonic physical intimacy, like hugging, cuddling, or bed-sharing. Some scenarios I’d love to see: one of them comforting the other for any reason, one of them brushing the other’s hair, Drou helping Kareen get dressed for some fancy event, Kareen accidentally waking Drou when she has a nightmare and Drou ending up sleeping in Kareen’s bed for the rest of the night, or any combination of those. Anything with them sort of co-parenting Gregor would be lovely, as long as they have a little alone time at some point in the story. I’d rather Serg not appear in the fic, but feel free to have other characters discuss him or address how his past treatment of Kareen continues to affect her. A fic about how Drou and Kareen react to hearing about Serg’s death for the first time would be super interesting.

For Lem and Hara, I really just want to know more about these two, especially their early lives. How did they develop feelings for each other? What was their courtship like? What kinds of strain did the events of “The Mountains of Mourning” put on their relationship, and how did they eventually recover from it? How did they feel when their second child was born? What did they tell their other children about Raina, and when did they do it? Just some ideas. You can mention Miles or other major Vorkosigan Saga characters, but I’d rather none of them appear in the fic.

Tortall - Francis of Nond/Raoul of Goldenlake, Lalasa Isran/Tianine Plowman

Basically, all we know about Francis is that he’s quiet, kind, and close friends with Raoul (he’s referred to as “Raoul’s blond shadow”). When I reread Alanna: The First Adventure recently, I came to the conclusion that Raoul (who is bisexual in my head) and Francis were each other’s first sort-of romantic relationship, very close friends who realized as young teens that they were also attracted to each other. Of course, then they both get the Sweating Sickness and Francis dies while Raoul is still very sick. Basically, I want a cute story about shy Francis and outgoing-but-insecure Raoul dealing with their feelings for each other, and/or a sad story about Raoul dealing with the death of his close friend and first passionate crush. I understand if you don’t feel up to writing the death part, though - the cute slightly-angsty awkward stuff will be fine on its own. No sex in this one, please, though kissing would be great.

For Lalasa and Tian, maybe a story about them telling Kel about their relationship for the first time? Or scenes from early on in their relationship as the romance is developing, when Lalasa begins to confide in Tian about her experiences with men and harassment. Or maybe their private reunion after Lalasa is freed from her kidnappers - what is their relationship like at this point, and does their fear and relief inspire any confessions of as-yet-unvoiced emotions. I’d love a little angst or hurt/comfort, but ending with the two of them made happier by their relationship with each other.

Clone Wars - Padme Amidala/Satine Kryze, Steela Gerrera/Ahoska Tano

For these two ships I’m mostly interested in AUs where they both survive TCW/the prequels. My dream Satine/Padme story is where they go into hiding together and raise Padme’s kids and fall in love - anything along those lines would be lovely. If AUs aren’t your thing, maybe a fic about them meeting as teenagers and bonding over their experiences of becoming political figures and being in danger from a very young age, and also developing crushes on each other but not really knowing how to deal.

For Steela/Ahsoka, I’d love to see them working together in the rebellion and going on missions as a couple, falling in love, being practically inseparable, something like that. Bonus points if people sometimes assume that the mysterious agent Fulcrum is a man, and are surprised to find out that Fulcrum is actually two 20-something lesbians. Extra bonus points if all four of them somehow meet several years into the Empire’s rule and little Luke and Leia are there???? Just some ideas. For something actually in the timeline of the show, I’d love a fic about Ahsoka narrowly saving Steela from falling off the cliff and the two of them spending time alone together after the battle, finally realizing/opening up about their feelings for each other.

DS9 - Kira Meru/Tora Naprem

I would sell my soul for some Naprem fanfiction that doesn’t erase Meru or portray Naprem/Dukat as some kind of passionate, misunderstood cross-species romance. I’d also love to see the two of them interact, and so the idea for this ship was born. I’d like all the canonical information we have about these two to be preserved, and if you feel like incorporating details about Meru’s continued relationship with Dukat from the non-canonical Terok Nor trilogy feel free to do so, but if you haven’t read those books then don’t worry about it. Also, it’s been a while since I read that series and I can’t remember if Meru and Naprem ever meet in it, but I feel like they don’t, and obviously they have to meet for this fic to work.

Some hard “no”s for me - Dukat can be in this fic a little, but I’d rather he not be a major character. I also don’t want his relationship with either Meru or Naprem to be portrayed as, for lack of a better word, unproblematic; the story must deal with the power imbalances inherent in the situation, and be sensitive to the fact that coercion (i.e. the things Dukat does to Meru and, by plausible extrapolation, to Naprem) is a form of rape. I don’t really want sex in this one, just a big mess of complicated feelings about Dukat, other Bajorans, the friends and families they may have left behind, and each other (cuddling and/or kissing optional but appreciated).

So, ideas and things I’d love to see explored: how and when might Meru and Naprem first meet? What do they think of each other? Does Naprem develop real fondness for Dukat, and how does Meru react to this? How does Meru die? I also want to know your take on Naprem’s backstory. For a more specific scenario idea, I’d love something with Meru and Naprem staying together for a few nights while Dukat is away from the station, and talking about him and the war and their old lives and (if you want) Naprem’s pregnancy/baby Ziyal. Meru and Naprem sleeping in the same bed in this scenario would be very very good.

#author letter

1 note · View note

imagitory · 8 years

Text

D-Views OFF TOPIC!: The Prince of Egypt

Hello, everyone! Welcome to another installment of D-Views Off-Topic! As stated previously, D-Views is a series primarily focusing on Disney-produced and/or owned films, but from time to time, we go “off topic” to discuss films that are sometimes mistaken for and/or were influenced by Disney projects, and that’s what we’re doing today.

I am super excited about today’s subject – it has been one of my favorite films since I was a child, and it is, in my opinion, the single best non-Disney-produced animated film ever made. This is The Prince of Egypt!

Before we talk about The Prince of Egypt, it is imperative to talk about the studio that created it, DreamWorks SKG. (As a side, get used to me calling it just “Dreamworks” from here on out – I’ve never been much one to capitalize the “W.”) Dreamworks was the baby of three media giants – David Geffen, Stephen Spielberg, and most of all Jeffrey Katzenberg. Katzenberg got his start in the world of animation at the Walt Disney Company during the Disney Renaissance, when he was head of the Disney animation department. Unfortunately Katzenberg was just one of three very big egos at the company in that period, and he butted heads with the other two – CEO Michael Eisner and vice-chairman Roy E. Disney – constantly. For a while Frank Wells, Eisner’s partner, was able to keep the peace and keep these three working toward the same goal, but when Wells tragically passed away in a helicopter crash in 1994, tensions began to rise. Disney and especially Eisner thought that Katzenberg had been promoting himself as the main face of Disney’s new-found success and taking all the credit for it, and so when Wells was to be replaced, Eisner pointedly passed Katzenberg over for promotion. Whatever one thinks about Eisner or Katzenberg as people, I think it is very clear that Eisner felt threatened by Katzenberg…and he had good reason, because when Katzenberg was forced to quit his position at Disney, he immediately turned around and enlisted the support of Stephen Spielberg and David Geffen to create Disney’s main rival in the world of animation in recent history.

Dreamworks Animation found most of its animators among Disney alumni and from Stephen Spielberg’s dead studio Amblimation, which had previously only worked on three films: An American Tail: Fievel Goes West, We’re Back!: A Dinosaur’s Story, and Balto. Despite their lack of experience, they were very talented, as is evident by Dreamworks’ first hand-drawn film. Yep – first hand-drawn film. Dreamworks released two films in 1998; their real first film, Antz, was released in theaters three months before The Prince of Egypt was. To be frank, I wish that The Prince of Egypt had been first – it would’ve made a much stronger first impression for the studio as a whole.

Fortunately The Prince of Egypt made a pretty good impression when it was released to theaters in December 1998. It earned over $218 million worldwide and received rather favorable reviews from critics for its animation and visual effects. It also won an Academy Award for Best Song and was nominated for two Golden Globes, two Grammy Awards, and five Annie Awards, and even tied with Pixar’s rival film to Antz, A Bug’s Life, at the Critics’ Choice Awards for Best Animated Film. Even at the time of its release, however, The Prince of Egypt was compared to Disney’s animated projects. Critic James Berardinelli said this –

“Like Fox (with Anastasia) and Warner Brothers (with the disappointing (sic) Quest for Camelot), Dreamworks intends to challenge Disney's reign as the King of Animation. The Prince of Egypt is a worthy starting point. It ranks alongside the Magic Kingdom's Mulan at the top of the year's traditional-style animated pile. (…)While last year's Anastasia managed to come close to Disney's visual elegance, The Prince of Egypt matches it. This impressive achievement uncovers yet another chink in Disney's once-impregnable animation armor.”

Now that I have effectively “prologued” you to death, let’s go ahead and talk about the film proper.

The very first thing we have to talk about when it comes to this movie is its music, written by film-scoring giant Hans Zimmer and lyrical god Stephen Schwartz. Just like in Beauty and the Beast and Anastasia, this soundtrack in my opinion is just flawless. Every single song hits your heart and stays with you long after they have passed, from the lyrical musical numbers to the instrumental tracks. The first one, “Deliver Us,” introduces us to the setting of the mature, real, passionate, epic story that is about to unravel. We hear the culture in the rhythms and instruments used and in the Hebrew lyrics sung by Ofra Haza, who plays Moses’s mother Yoheved. We feel the hopelessness of the slaves and the fragile hope of a young girl as she sees her baby brother being taken in by the Queen of Egypt. We watch this opening scene with almost no dialogue, being told solely with the images on screen and the wonderful music, and become completely emotionally invested in these characters by the end. With this opening, the film has already done what the best musicals do – introduce our story, conflict, and characters solely through song. And from here, the music only gets better.

After this prologue, we meet our main character again, as well as his adopted brother, the crown prince Rameses. Moses and Rameses are shown, in their youth, to be like two troublemaking college kids, constantly competing with one another and having no awareness of grim reality. They are two princes, born in wealth and affluence, and as of yet do not see their privilege. Once their fun is through, however, we are introduced to their father, Pharaoh Seti. In his first scene, we see Seti as a strict man, focused on his legacy and greatly disappointed in his sons’ misadventures, particularly on Rameses’s part. At this point, we can still understand where Seti is coming from – after all, Rameses and Moses did cause some damage and they should be setting a better example as princes – but that doesn’t make watching Seti viciously snap at Rameses and Rameses struggling to hold in his hurt any easier.

Like Anastasia as well, this film has an all-star cast. Val Kilmer, Ralph Fiennes, Michelle Pfieffer, Sandra Bullock, Jeff Goldblum, Patrick Stewart, Steve Martin, Martin Short…although I could argue in some future projects, Dreamworks focused too much on casting big names in a lazy attempt to get more butts in the theater seats (looking at you, Shark Tale), I think in this case, every casting choice made was pretty spot-on. My personal favorite casting is Fiennes as Rameses – Rameses as a character is much more complex than most “antagonists” in other mainstream family films, and I think it would’ve been hard to find someone better than Fiennes to portray that.

Rameses and Moses is my single favorite relationship in this movie, and it makes sense – it is clearly the one the filmmakers put the most focus and effort into. Rameses can be a serious, proud, ambitious cynic, while Moses can be a light-hearted, sympathetic, mischievous peacemaker. Basically it’s a bond between a Slytherin and a Hufflepuff – darkness and light – and the relationship between these two brothers is so well written that it alludes to years of history that justifies the strength of their trust. It’s why Moses tries to make peace between Rameses and Seti once Rameses storms out of the room. It’s why Moses tries so hard to cheer Rameses up afterwards. It’s why Rameses, upon being formally named Prince Regent, names Moses his Royal Chief Architect.

Speaking of which, at the party where Rameses is given that title, we meet the character of Tzipporah, who is given to Rameses as a gift, but who Rameses “re-gifts” to Moses. In this sequence, we see another hint of Moses’s compassion. When the guards try to capture Tzipporah, swords drawn, Moses immediately intercedes and tries to restrain her himself, so that she wouldn’t be hurt or killed by the guards. Admittedly he mischievously lets her fall into a fountain, but it is still an infinitely kinder way to halt her escape than the alternative would’ve been. Nonetheless, we see Moses regretting his action when he sees his mother’s disappointment and Tzipporah’s wrath. Later Tzipporah escapes from the palace, and Moses pursues her. When Moses spots that some guards are about to catch her escaping, however, he once again intercedes. This time he actually misdirects them, sending them up to his chambers and away from Tzipporah, who had been directly behind them. It gives a subtle hint that Moses, even before learning the truth of his heritage, does have something in him that sees the value of freedom. Moses then follows Tzipporah all the way to the border of Egypt, until she escapes off into the desert. It is here that Moses meets Miriam and Aaron – his real siblings.

GOOD GOD THIS SCENE. ALL OF THE FEELS FOR THIS SCENE. I swear, I can’t help but feel so much for Miriam here. The hope in her voice is just heartbreaking when Aaron tries so hard to shut her down and Moses retorts in ignorant outrage. Then Miriam starts singing her mother’s old lullaby, and everything just…stops. The music dies utterly, and the only thing hanging in the air is Miriam’s choked voice. (Fun bit of trivia: one of the film’s directors, Brenda Chapman, provided Miriam’s voice in this scene. You may also know Brenda Chapman as the brain behind Disney/Pixar’s film Brave.)

Miriam’s hushed reprise then dissolves into quiet, horrified orchestration that then slowly builds, until it stumbles back and charges into a run just as Moses does. This orchestration then leads us into my favorite song in the entire film, “All I Ever Wanted.” From the time I was young, this song could always get my heart pounding. I felt all of the fear, all of the longing, all of the denial, all of the pride, and all of the doubt that rippled through Moses’s voice and over his face. When I was in high school and I would listen to this in my headphones on my way to school, I would run down the streets just like Moses did in the film, plodding through all the emotions expressed in each note. Even now I think it is one of the most unique songs sung by a protagonist in a musical that I’ve ever heard. Most “I Want” songs are about wanting more, but this song is about wanting things to stay the same. Rather than seeking adventure, Moses seeks peace and happiness – to stay in this dream world that he’s only just seeing was just a dream. It reminds me of how I felt when the September 11th terrorist attacks happened. When you first see the fragments of your old life shattered around you, you first feel this instinct to grab them and try hopelessly to glue them back together. As time goes by, though, you see how painful such an effort is – it’s like even just clutching those broken shards of your childhood is making your hands bleed – and so you have no choice but to let go of them.

“All I Ever Wanted” dissolves into Moses’s dream sequence, which is entirely drawn in a hieroglyphic-inspired style. This is such a creative sequence – it’s so stylistic, and yet it doesn’t forget to make the stilted movements translate the proper emotions. When Moses wakes up from the nightmare, he also wakes up from his delusion, and decides he must learn the truth. This revelation scene is my favorite part of the entire film. Moses runs down the halls of hieroglyphics, combing wall after wall, until he finally finds what he’s looking for. He sees the image of his father, Seti, ordering his guards to throw babies into the Nile River. The young prince is horrified, heartbroken, at what he sees…and Seti brings a hand down on top of his head, trying to show him some comfort. Moses turns to look at him, pleading with him, “Father, tell me you didn’t do this,” but Seti cannot give Moses that “out.” Instead the old Pharaoh justifies the decision, and even worse, tries to excuse it. “They were only slaves.” Seti’s evil face is truly revealed – the face of callous, wicked ignorance, garbing itself in gold and silk. For more of my thoughts on this scene, you may read this post of mine analyzing it, but to sum it up here, this is the scene that taught me as a kid that evil is not always self-aware…and it even now chills me, just as much as it does Moses. That horrible shrieking of the strings that accompanies Moses’s facial shift from sorrow to horror as he slowly removes himself from Seti’s arms and backs away is a musical representation of everything I feel watching this scene.

After being counseled by his adopted mother Tuya, Moses tries simply to be happy with his fortunate circumstances, but now that he knows the truth of his birth, he can no longer not see the injustices and cruelty around him. He can’t block out the image of his people being worked within an inch of their lives. He can’t block out the furious shouts of an overseer and the horrible, pained cries of an elderly slave being whipped. And it is in this sequence that we get one of the best instrumental tracks in the entire film. The track is called “Goodbye Brother,” and it accompanies Moses accidentally killing an overseer to protect a slave and running away from home. I’ve also discussed this track (and a few others from this film) in another post, but like with Seti, I will restate my core points here. The best piece of this track is the middle, which happens just before Moses kills the overseer. It is a horrific, demented shrieking, one that sounds like what nails being driven into your brain should feel like. The sound is like the accompaniment of a nightmare that you can’t escape. And then just as suddenly, the nightmarish feeling is gone…to be replaced with a different kind of fear and horror, the kind that you feel when you realize it’s not just a horrible dream, the kind that gives way to panic. Moses running away is echoed in the music with every racing, plodding note, until it, like Moses, is brought to a rough halt. From here, a great sorrowful sound takes over – as if the music is mourning what could’ve been just as much as Moses is. Partner this with the tragic verbal exchange between Rameses and Moses, and I think just about everyone’s heart will break by the end of the scene.

So from here, Moses flees into the desert, shedding his identity as a Prince of Egypt, and joining Tzipporah’s tribe of Midianites. While there, we get another amazing song (“Through Heaven’s Eyes”) and see Moses grow from a boy into a man. Even though Moses has grown so much, however, there is still business for him to take care of, and that business becomes clear when he follows a lost sheep into a cave and finds a Bush alight with white, inhuman fire. The instrumental for this sequence, “The Burning Bush,” is in my opinion not only the best instrumental in the film, but also the best non-Disney instrumental I have ever heard. I have never been a particularly religious person – Hell, my parents are a non-practicing Christian and an Atheist. But whenever I encounter a particularly wonderful piece of art, landscape, or music, I think I feel what some people call spirituality. It is a sensation that makes you feel lighter and warmer, like a balloon slowly filling up with air, devoid of fear, worry, and pain. It is a dreamy feeling that makes you feel one with everything, and everything feel like it is as it should be…and once you know that feeling, you can’t imagine losing it. This track is a perfect representation of those feelings – it is enlightenment, in musical form, from its raindrop-like pattering to its slowly rotating tone like a globe spinning on its axel.

Something else interesting about this sequence is how God is depicted. Unlike in The Ten Commandments, which The Prince of Egypt is based upon, this God is depicted more like the New Testament God, being much kinder and gentler than the vengeful God that is more often found in the Old Testament. On top of this, this God is actually voiced by Val Kilmer, who also voiced Moses, making it so Val Kilmer is technically talking to himself in this scene. There are two ways I could read this – one, it speaks of how God is representative of Moses’s inner-voice, so this scene is a metaphor for Moses coming to grips with his own morality; or two, Moses is seeing himself in God, because Man was made in God’s image, and so by the end understands that he has God’s power inside of himself. Either way, Moses realizes that he can’t run away from his responsibility to his people and goes back to Egypt to confront the Pharaoh.

Alas, when Moses arrives, he does not confront Seti, but his brother Rameses. I cannot lie, Rameses and Moses reuniting is a scene that always makes me smile, even if my heart’s breaking at the same time. GODDAMN IT, MOVIE, HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME. After the “Playing with the Big Boys” song number by Hotep and Huy (which I suppose is the weakest of the songs, but is still pretty damn good), Rameses and Moses talk the matter over. Moses tries to explain his position to Rameses, and it is here that Rameses too finds his rose-colored glasses cracking. His idealistic hope that his brother was back and they could live as they had is flickering and dying. There is no going back for Moses. He is choosing the well being of Hebrew slaves over the brother he grew up with. And this betrayal hurts Rameses deeply. The animation on Rameses’s face in this scene – from heartbreak, to anger, to shock, to regret, to grief, to vengeance – is perfectly paced and spot-on. From this scene on, Rameses has officially become the anti-villain of the film – the reluctant rival to our reluctant hero.

On the face of things, Moses has made everything worse with his return. Rameses has turned against him and the slaves bitterly scorn him for his battle against Pharaoh. But one slave is with him from the start – his sister Miriam. She rallies the slaves behind Moses, and Moses stands with new strength. He commands Rameses again to “let his people go,” again, again, again, with multiple plagues, to the accompaniment of “The Plagues.” My favorite part in this song is the inner-monologues from our hero and our anti-villain that unconsciously mirror each other.

Once I called you brother; // You who I called brother,

Once I thought the chance to make you laugh // How could you have come to hate me so?

Was all I ever wanted… // Is this what you wanted?

And of course the ending –

I will not LET your/my PEOPLE…GO!

The Plagues play out one by one, before we reach the Plague of Darkness. Moses goes to find Rameses and tries one last time to convince him to relent before the next Plague arrives. I’ve talked about this scene and Rameses’s son in the past, and you can read that here, but I will just add that I love the parallels this scene makes to earlier scenes of Moses in the palace. Not only do some shots parallel the scene of Moses comforting Rameses at the beginning of the movie, but Moses also passes the pillar and statues that he runs to in the “All I Ever Wanted” sequence. It’s such a bittersweet juxtaposition.

Sadly Moses and Rameses cannot go back to the way things were, however much they wish it. The destinies that have been written for them and the responsibilities therein make it impossible…and this scene proves this once and for all. Rameses, refusing to drop his pride and refusing to bow to the pressure of someone who threatens the security of his empire, crosses the line and threatens the murder of Moses’s people. Moses cannot save him or Egypt from the final Plague now…and so the First Born are slain, with an inhuman light that literally breathes His victims’ last breath.

The scene centering on the Death of the First Born is a very powerful one. A striking choice is having it mostly done in silence, with no instrumental music at all. The only sounds other than the Angel’s breathing are the blowing wind, some rattling of trees and roofs, crickets chirping, and finally the howls of despair from all of the parents upon discovering their dead children. The scene hits home when we see Rameses holding his dead son in his arms – Moses comes up behind him out of the white light beyond, and for a moment, he is the Angel of Death himself, bearing witness to the grief of the Pharaoh that was once his brother. And as much as I disapprove of Rameses’ sentiments in the last scene and agree that Moses’s people should be freed…I do not blame Rameses in the least for his inconsolable, furious withdrawal from Moses’s comforting hand. I don’t think I could forgive anyone who took someone I love from me…no matter how noble the person’s cause. This still does not make me feel any less for Moses when he walks off by himself, drops his staff, and then slowly falls to his knees, collapsing in on himself as he tries in vain to suppress his sobs.

At long last, the Hebrews have their freedom, and with it, we get our final lyrical number – the Academy-Award-winning song “When You Believe.” This song is a good example of how, even though this film can get so serious, those darker elements are mitigated perfectly with a lot of sincerity and heart. This song is like a beautiful sunrise after a night of thunderstorms. The mist is still clinging to the air and remnants of the rain are still falling from the shingles of roofs, but sunlight is bouncing off the droplets, sparkling like tiny diamonds, and the clouds are touched with pink. Then the children start their verses in Hebrew, and a new, youthful life is infused into the piece, ringing with the hopes and dreams of a new beginning. Where something has ended, something has now begun, and after the darkest of nights, the sun has returned.

Just when it seems the Hebrews have succeeded, Rameses does try one last time to circumvent them, by charging after them with his army. Moses parts the Red Sea, the Hebrews make it across, and the Sea comes back together just as Rameses and his army are charging through it. It is only after this that we come full circle – the music at last returns to the theme from the very beginning, “Deliver Us.” Moses has answered that prayer. He has delivered his people to freedom. And so as Moses comes down Mount Sinai with the Ten Commandments in hand, I frankly don’t care about what happens next in the actual Biblical story – the ending is more than enough to fulfill me.

The Prince of Egypt is very special to me. As you can tell from all of the links in this post, it is a movie I love talking about and I think I will never stop talking about. It saddens me that this film is not more recognized by the world at large, like so many other great animated films are. Its soundtrack is in my opinion one of the best animated musical soundtracks ever recorded. Its animation is stunning, evocative, and detailed. Its characters are multi-faceted and real. Its story is epic, timeless, and emotional. Recently there was an attempt to bring it to Broadway, but that attempt was scrapped because of the backlash in response to its all-white cast (gee, I can’t imagine why *oh hai there sarcasm*). I sincerely hope that the project will be attempted again, however – maybe The Prince of Egypt can be brought back to the public consciousness again by going to the Broadway stage, as Anastasia has. In the meantime, though, we do have the original masterpiece, and I will always view it as the best film ever produced by Dreamworks.

#d-views #disney reviews #off topic!#the prince of egypt #dreamworks #opinion #analysis #reviews

118 notes · View notes

jvc-yearofservice · 5 years

Text

Ending the year early

10/13/19- 10/19/19

Monday was rough because a homeless woman having a mental breakdown threw oatmeal on me, and it got in my hair. On Tuesday, we took a field trip to the pumpkin patch where I was in charge of looking after two students who were awesome and behaved phenomenally. We rode the carousel, had a free lunch, and watched a pig race. That night, my housemates and I were walking to our seats at the Jonas Brothers concert, and a random man approached us and asked if it was just the three of us. We said 'yes', and he proceeded to give us tickets for the floor of the stadium, which were obviously much better than our nose-bleed seats. We took them and got escorted down to the floor where there were three seats together. It was literally so close to the stage and therefore closer to them as well. The concert was so amazing, and they played all my favorite songs, including "Burnin' Up", "Cake by the Ocean", "SOS", "Sucker", and "Lovebug". I nearly got trampled several times when they would walk from one stage to another (that's how close we were). My feet were killing me from jumping up and down for nearly two or more hours, but it was definitely worth it.

On Wednesday, I was fired from my job. I'll tell you how it happened: I came to work early in the morning, and my supervisor met me at the door, saying that we would have a meeting at 8am, which was unusual because our one on ones were on Friday's. At 8am, she told me to follow her and then started walking away. I followed her to another building, and we walked in absolute silence the entire way. Eventually, in the other building, we went into a random office, and there was an uglier-looking Angelica Houston type woman standing there. She told me to sit down, so me and my supervisor both sat down while she stayed standing the entire time. The woman who was standing was named Ms. Julie, I think, and she was the head of HR at Loaves and Fishes. She informed me that a JVC representative was on speakerphone (Laura Strubeck) as well as our in-city coordinator, Windi. I was super perplexed about it since there was absolutely no preparation nor had I expected anything amiss. My supervisor started explaining that since my work "fell so short below the expectations I agreed to at the beginning of the year, my position has been terminated". I was so blown away that I couldn't really speak. I looked at my supervisor who had super fake sad puppy dog eyes, and then I looked at the HR woman. The HR woman seemed really angry with me and told me, "Your one job was to protect the kids and you failed." Then my supervisor very helpfully jumped in and added, "We do not trust you to keep the children safe." I was really shocked and confused because my supervisor and I had just had a meeting with the in-city coordinator where we discussed issues and (seemingly) resolved everything (but I guess not). The main issue was supervising the children, which I asked for more clarification on but had only received vague answers from my supervisor every time. They asked if I had any questions, and I could only think to ask about what happens next. The JVC representative, Laura Strubeck, said that because I had been terminated from my job instead of just a mutual agreement to part ways, I was out of the program. I asked if I could be put into another placement (since several of my house-mates' agencies wanted me), but she said I couldn't and that I also had to be out of the house by Saturday. I very numbly nodded, and the in-city coordinator's only contribution to the conversation was, "I'm here for you, Mary Kate!" For those of you at home, the job of the in-city coordinator is to advocate and support the volunteers. Guess who did not support me? Our in-city coordinator. The JVC representative also said that if I could, I should share my "exit strategy"/travel plans with the JVC just for their records. They asked if I had anymore questions, and I didn't so I was walked back to the school where my supervisor insisted on watching me while I packed up my things at my desk and then escorted me out of the school, not before asking me for the work keys back.

Here is my take on why I was really terminated: from day one, I sensed that my supervisor didn't really like me. I figured that it would take some time to warm up to each other, but our relationship never got better. In all honesty, she had expectations that no person could ever meet, even me who was doing her best and putting way too much effort into a job that didn't fulfill me (the girl in my position last year complained that this supervisor was so overbearing and never satisfied with her work and someone in my position three years ago left after the first day at work). At our meetings, my supervisor asked inappropriate questions about my personal life and tried to involve herself in any drama that was happening back at the house. I stood by my morals and who I am, and I refused to compromise any of my beliefs, and I was punished for that. It was hinted to me that I should tell my supervisor about anyone making any mistakes in their jobs (not to help them learn but so that they would be punished), and I would not because I didn't believe that was right. When my supervisor realized she could not intimidate or control me, she felt I was a liability and therefore had to go. While we were still meeting and giving me the appearance of trying to help me learn and grow as a staff member and individual, my supervisor was actively gathering little mistakes I had made and then presented them to the higher-up people in order to make it look like I was incapable of doing my job. The JVC sided with them likely because of financial reasons. The JVC gets paid by agencies to have volunteers at those agencies, and Loaves and Fishes is such a large and powerful organization that the JVC would not have wanted to get on their bad side. If it were any other site, I believe the JVC would have supported and advocated for me. The only words I have for my supervisor are this: I can see that you are suffering very deeply. I can see that you think your suffering will be alleviated by hurting others. I am very sorry that you are suffering so badly. I do not wish that kind of suffering on anybody. I hope one day you can alleviate that suffering without inflicting pain on others.

All that day, I had decided to tell all my house mates later on so as to not ruin their day. I basically packed up my room, got a plane ticket home, and took down all my decorations. Eventually, I told them all together, and they were outraged and devastated as well. Lots of tears and grieving. Everyone is still quite confused on exactly why I was fired and then unceremoniously kicked out of the program, and whenever we tried to reach out to anybody in a position of power in the JVC, but we were given vague answers every time or blatantly ignored. It especially helped that some support people, Lauren and OJ, came over to grieve with us that night. My housemates reached out to everyone they could in an effort to get the JVC to let me stay and work somewhere else, but I eventually told them to stop their efforts because I was too tired and too disheartened to try to fight anymore. Why should I fight to stay in a program that would treat me so horribly and obviously does not appreciate or see my worth?

The days went quickly after that. On Thursday, I packed and shipped things back home. Thursday night, we all tried to celebrate together by watching a movie and hanging out on the porch like we did at the beginning of the year, but there was definitely a sense of disbelief and dread among us. On Friday, I finished shipping all my things and decided to sight-see as much as I could. I went to Old Sacramento and saw a replica of the original schoolhouse, bought little mementos for everybody (using up the rest of my stipend money, heyo), and visited Fort Sutter and the Indian History Museum. That night, we all went and got a hilarious old-timey portrait done of us in all vintage, cow-boy-looking outfits. For dinner, we went to In-N-Out since I had not had it yet and it was on my to-do list. MOST IMPORTANTLY, at Fort Sutter, I saw the DONNER DOLL, aka the doll of a little girl who survived the Donner Party disaster (look it up-it's horrible).

On Saturday, it was time to go. I woke up to the amazing smell of my house-mates making breakfast for me. A couple of us went to get donuts, and I nearly got into a fight with an "overly-sensitive and emotionally unstable" woman who said I was standing too close to her (okay, so I wasn't standing too close on purpose at first but after she said that, I stood right behind her until she screamed at us all again and then left, haha). For the last time, we all held hands around the table, and I said grace which went a little like this: "Dear Lord in Heaven...what you did was hella messed up...and I hope I can forgive you one day for allowing this to happen to such good people...but still...we ball, and I'm thankful for what I have. Amen." The car was super packed with people as we all drove to the airport, and there were many tears as I was dropped off. It was super funny because a really sad song about missing friends and having good memories came on as soon as we all got in the car. I'm writing this now as I'm waiting for my plane to depart to St. Louis, where I will be moving back in with my parents until I save up enough to get my own apartment and hopefully one day my own dog.

A couple last things before I go: I don't regret joining the JVC, flying all the way out to Philadelphia, flying all the way out to California, and living intentionally and simply for exactly 80 days. I don't regret it because I met some of the most incredible people in the entire world (Caroline, Fran, Meg, Joseph, Laura, Morgan, Lauren & OJ, Mr. Martin, Sara F., Kelsey & Katie, Liana, Lucia, Miss Emily, Mr. Troy, Miss Erica, Miss Stacey, Fr. Tom, Mercy Meg, the Mercy volunteers, the ACE volunteers, Grace, and many more). I'd also like to sincerely thank all the unknown former Jesuit volunteers who reached out to the JVC on my behalf in an effort to try to get them to change their mind and let me stay. I'm conscientiously choosing to release the anger and bitter feelings I have towards my supervisor and all those in power positions in the JVC who advocated for my termination because holding onto those feelings is so unfair to me. I would rather use my energy to continue to help and choose joyfulness and love than to seek out revenge for what was done to me. Yes, it was unfair and horrible, as well as traumatic and embarrassing. There has also been more crying and suffering in these past few days than probably my entire life before. However, I take comfort in the fact that those who really know me absolutely understand that I did nothing to deserve this and are outraged on my behalf as well. That's enough for me- to have the faith of the ones who really matter, so I will let the issue rest.

And maybe this was all for a greater reason. We'll see.

Godspeed,

0 notes