#my entire paycheck this week is going to be gone because I had to take out a payday loan for rent because we almost got evicted

[fuckkyliejenner]

Going through some extensive hard times right now. My mom needs a surgery for fibroids that gave her sepsis which almost killed her and we had to blow through those savings due to multiple insane events that popped up and now I won’t be able to pay my car payment or first months rent so if anyone wants to just throw a few bucks my way so we can survive a bit longer, I’d appreciate it

Venmo

Cashapp

[moonstruckme]

hi there, you did a james drabble some time ago with financially insecure reader and i'm just wondering if that's something you'd write again! maybe one where james is showering the r in gifts and they're just thinking "this is so expensive, you shouldn't be spending so much on me" and james comforts them? totally fine if you don't though, thank you anyway 💐

Thanks for requesting <3

cw: reader is financially insecure

James Potter x fem!reader ♡ 825 words

When you go to put on your shoes, yours aren’t there. In their place is a lookalike pair, but whole and squeaky clean where yours are worn and dirty. 

“Jamie?” you call. Excitement and dread mixing up in your gut until they’ve become one thing. 

“Yeah?” Your boyfriend’s head pops out of the kitchen. His eyes fall to where you’re sitting on the floor, the new pair of shoes in front of you, and his smile breaks out like a sunrise. “Oh, yeah. I got you something.” 

“They’re for me?” You hold the one shoe up in front of you like a foreign object, speechless. 

James laughs. “Well, they’re not likely to fit me. Yeah, angel, they’re yours.” 

Something guilty twists in your gut. You take a breath. “Thank you.” 

“It’s no big deal.” 

“It is. And I appreciate it, but—” 

“But?” 

“But I can’t accept these.” You set the shoes back down on the floor, looking up at him remorsefully. “It’s too much.” 

“Sweetheart,” James laughs. He leans his hip against the wall, giving you a fond look. “Don’t be silly. You needed a new pair. Your old ones are torn to shreds.” 

“They’re not that bad,” you say embarrassedly. 

“There’s a rip in the side big enough to stick your entire foot out of.” 

“I know they’re not perfect.” Your voice goes a tad sharp, and James’ smile starts to slip as he realizes he’s the only one who’s joking. “I’m going to get another pair eventually, but I just can’t afford it right now.” 

“Hey.” He lowers himself down onto his haunches next to you, voice and expression going extra gentle. “It’s okay. Now you don’t need to worry about it, because you have them, right?” 

You suck on your bottom lip, feeling your expression pinch as you shake your head at him. He doesn’t get it. How could he? James has never been in a position where he was forced to take and couldn’t afford to give. 

“I know you’re just trying to help,” you say, tempering your tone, “and I really do appreciate it, Jamie, but you give me so many gifts and I—” 

“Okay, hold on.” He sets a hand on your knee, still with that indulgent look on his face. “There haven’t been that many.” 

You give him an exasperated look. Just last week it had been chocolates from the fancy shop downtown, and before that he’d gone back for a skirt you’d passed by because it was out of your price range. You know he hasn’t forgotten. 

“But how many have I given you?” 

James blinks. “Um. You gave me that nice waffle iron for my birthday.” 

It sounds like a lame gift when he says it out loud, compared to all the things he’s gotten you since then, but you’d skimmed savings off the tops of your paychecks for three weeks to get him that. Your face is beginning to feel hot. You’re not ashamed of how much you make, but it’s frustrating to think about how your boyfriend won’t ever be able to understand the way you think about money, why you get so stressed out about it, how you’re constantly worried it will run out. 

“It just makes me uncomfortable to take so many things from you when I can’t give anything back,” you admit. “I know that’s not why you’re doing it, but it makes me feel bad.” 

James’ brows press close together. His hand smooths from your knee up your thigh, and you can see how hard he’s trying to understand. It makes you feel even worse. 

“I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” he says. “You know I don’t care if you get me things, right?” 

“I know,” you promise him. “It’s just, I care.”

He nods, a warm sort of concern in his expression. “Then what do you want to do, angel?” 

You take his hand from your leg, tracing the lines with your fingers. “Maybe we could keep gifts to birthdays and holidays?” you ask tentatively. 

“Hm. Yeah, I think I can manage that. Like Easter?” 

You smile down at his hand. Kiss one of his fingertips. “Maybe only the traditionally gift-giving holidays.” 

James sighs heavily, but it’s for show. “Fine. Hey.” He closes his fingers around yours, and you look up to find him studying you with soft, kind eyes. “You know I’m not upset, right?” 

You drop your gaze again. “I’m just sorry I’m not being more grateful. They’re really nice gifts.” 

“Thanks, sweetheart,” he leans closer, touching his lips to yours sweetly, “but I don’t need you to be grateful. I’m glad you told me how you felt. It’s only fun if you enjoy them, yeah?”

“I do enjoy them,” you say. James smiles, bringing your hand to his face and kissing your palm. 

“Good. Then keep the shoes, please? If you keep using those other ones through winter I’m afraid your feet will fall off.” 

[jsprnt]

Americano PT. 16 | Jude Bellingham x Reader

What happens if two individuals who absolutely despise each other are forced to interact after unforeseen events occur?

A/N: hello loves!! I can’t believe we’ve already come to the end of this series😭 thank you guys so so much for all the love you’ve sent my work and efforts!! Love y’all so much, enjoy reading- and stay tuned for my future fics 🤍🩷

W/C: 4.025

part fifteen

I sigh for the millionth time today, leaning back against the backrest of my chair. I rub my wrists, massaging my fingers and knuckles, groaning in relief when I hear some of them pop.

There were only a handful of matches left in the league, along with the Champions League final. The entire PR and marketing department had been working overtime for a couple days now, wanting to end the season on a high note.

I was so tired and stressed out, internally debating whether to call in sick tomorrow, but there was no way the team could finish all of this without my help.

Since my role in the department has gotten much more important this season, I needed to attend more meetings and calls with a lot of different people.

Never in my life, had I exercised my social skills this much, and it was only a matter of time before my social battery ran so low that I couldn't take interacting with people anymore, without looking like a total jerk.

Though, the generous paycheck that dropped into my back account every month, motivated me to work harder, well, sometimes..

I shift from my position, grabbing a single pen from its holder. Looking back up to my laptop to write down some refreshing and creative questions for the upcoming, very important and widely viewed interviews.

Winning both the national league and the Champions League in the exact same season would be absolutely insane to witness.

I had experienced the feeling in my first season working at the club. After almost three years of getting to know the team and the players who had come and gone, this year would feel even more special.

I had grown closer to the club, not just as an employee but as a supporter as well. I had multiple personal and dear connections with the club.

My father had just renewed his contract with the club. A topic that everyone working for respective companies joked about was the possibility of the agreement not being renewed.

After all these years, both companies had become synonymous with each other.

I had also gotten closer to my colleagues, much closer than I would've ever imagined. Starting this job as an eighteen-year-old, I was incredibly intimidated by the sheer size of the operations behind the scenes.

Of course, juggling both working here and studying for my law degree was hard at first. Work in the morning had switched to the evening when attending the matches.

Study breaks consisting of trying to figure out what interview questions were rubbish and needed to be scrapped, and packing my little suitcase for another trip, only to overpack again.

Thankfully, I had gotten all of my results back from this school year, and I was absolutely over the moon knowing I'd be going for my next year of my degree after summer break.

All my hard work had finally paid off when I saw my grades, and I had celebrated it that night- with working…

The biggest change in my life?

That was the fact that I had actually found love.

Going from hating each other to loving each other was a weird feeling. Even so, Jude and I had been together for almost six months now, and honestly speaking; I had never felt so loved by anyone in the entire world before.

We supported each other wholeheartedly, and it was definitely easier to do than other couples.

Mostly, because we worked together.

Living together for the first few weeks of our relationship, definitely sped up the process of actually getting to know each other. It bonded us faster than I would’ve ever expected.

Looking back, it's difficult to even imagine a world where Jude never moved into my place..

Jude had moved out of my house in the middle of March. He had changed houses following everything that had happened the last few months.

The new house is quite far away from the old, temporary house he lived in, that got broken into. The home was spacious and modern, just like I'd expected before visiting for the first time.

My father and his partners at his firm, had finally built up a proper case to take the intruder to court. I didn't know the specifics because, for some reason I wasn’t allowed to, by both my own father and Jude.

I already knew that the man who had caused so much chaos wasn't getting off the hook easily, and that was enough for me. Knowing any more details about the situation, would probably cause me more stress and anxiety, so I had just learnt to let it go.

I couldn't even lie, lately I had spent more time at Jude’s place than my own. There was something so comforting about it, maybe it was how inviting and cozy it felt.

His friends from England and Germany would always be over, for the simplest of reasons.

Playing games, both board and video ones, watching new movies in the unnecessary, huge cinema room. It created a very fun and friendly atmosphere and made me feel more comfortable than ever.

Jude’s parent’s presence, especially his mother’s- was very much appreciated. I loved chatting to her, from the most mundane things, to the things that I was worried about.

Just like the other women in my life, she gave me guidance and encouragement to keep on going and be even better at anything I wanted to accomplish.

Obviously, there was no way we could keep on hiding our relationship from certain teammates Jude was very close with. We'd decided to be open with them, because keeping a 'secret' from them wouldn't exactly give us peace of mind in the long run.

Scratching what I've written down so far, I drop my pen onto the desk. Glancing up at the clock to check the time, and gasping softly when I remember I have a meeting that starts in a minute.

I quickly grab the necessary paperwork, and dash out of the office. Into the meeting room, already full of my coworkers, sat waiting only for me..

"Okay, I'm really confused. Do I have something on my face? Like sauce from lunch or something?" The puzzled y/n asks, turning around in her office chair, only to glance at the busy Lina.

"Uh.." The older woman begins, looking up from her monitor and shaking her head.

"Nope, no sauce. Why?" Lina takes her hand off the computer mouse, sighing before leaning back.

"Everyone has been looking at me, like since- this morning.." y/n rolls her chair forward, holding out her foot, to stop herself from violently slamming into Lina's desk.

"You think? I thought it was because your dress looked cute.."

Lina smirks at her own words, her hand reaching over to grab her purple water bottle, swiftly taking the top off and chugging a couple gulps.

y/n scoffs, glancing down at the dress she's wearing. Yes, of course the dress is cute, that's why she wore it today. But the stares she got were definitely not in appreciation of the cream-colored dress.

"Are you serious? I don't think-"

She's cut off by a loud knock. Both women break eye contact, looking up at the glass doors where someone is standing in front of.

"Jude?" y/n perks up, standing up from her chair and making a beeline towards him. Ignoring the unnecessarily loud and teasing whistle leaving Lina's mouth.

Stepping outside, she furrows her brows, looking around for anyone who could eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Follow me.." Jude can only say, immediately starting to walk down the stairs without sparing another second.

"What are you-" She trails off, sighing in defeat, before following him down, into one of the empty meditation rooms.

She looks at Jude as he locks the door behind them, his hand immediately reaching to wrap around her waist. He pulls her closer than ever, planting a kiss on her lips.

"Something wrong?" She asks, picking up on his stressed out demeanor. Pulling back, she scans his face once again.

"I have to show you something, but don't freak out, yeah? I called your dad already, and he said he'll see what he can do.."

This only sends her into a panic, his warning going over her head as she watches him pull his phone out of his pocket. Arms flexing underneath his training jacket as he moves.

She looks at him with a confused frown on her face, her eyes almost popping out of her head when Jude shows what was so important.

Grabbing the phone out of his hand without thinking, she brings the device closer to her face. A small noise of annoyance leaving her mouth.

It's all photos of the couple, outside during various times they had been on dates for the past- six months.

"This one's from Valencia, and this one's from that night in Mallorca?!" y/n exclaims, hands shaking as she tries to scroll through the other photos. All off guard pictures of them, taken while they were out together, after matches, and even on dates in Madrid.

Noticing how distressed the photos make his girlfriend, Jude grabs his phone out of her hand. Setting it down on the table next to him, he grabs onto her shoulders, making her look up at him.

"It's okay, we prepared for this, remember? I won't let my team put out a statement, apart from legal action. Your dad's handling it with my team, okay?" He brings her frazzled form into a reassuring hug, planting kisses on her cheeks and the tip of her nose.

Of course, just like her boyfriend explains- they knew their relationship couldn't be kept secret for much longer. Jude, being the high profile football player he is, couldn't exactly keep people from prying into his private life.

She knew that the media had caught a whiff of her, even back when they despised each other. The night at Wembley Stadium months ago, had caused a little commotion back then.

The gossip pages and newspapers loved a story containing love, a successful and beloved young man, and not to forget- her having actual connections to the club in both work, and her father's partnership with the club.

To the couple, when they entered the training center or the stadium, they would work at that particular day- it was about work and work only.

When they clocked in, they prioritized working. It would've obviously been very difficult for them to keep their relationship on the low- if they glanced at each other every damn second, while in the same room.

During working hours, they'd greet each other like their other colleagues, acting like they didn't make out the night before in his room.

Unavoidably, the players who knew about them dating, would try their best to sneak little jokes and teases in. The couple would successfully brush off the comments.

Practicing all these months made the perfect facade, but sometimes the jokes were too good not to chuckle, at least very discreetly.

"Okay, I trust you.." She mutters, pressing her face into her chest, a soft hum leaving her mouth. Thoughts and worries swirling through her mind.

"Baby! I'm ready!" I shout, almost falling flat on my face while pulling on my new heels.

These red bottoms were absolute hell to wear, especially since I had just gotten them as a gift, from Jude.

It would take some time before I could break them in, but with how stunning they looked paired with this dress, it was worth the pain, at least tonight.

To celebrate winning the league, Jude and I were finally going on a date. It had been a while since we had been on a proper date night, mostly due to how busy we both have been lately.

Jude with training and I with preparing everything, from interviews to social media posts, and even some press releases that needed to be out before the Champions League final that was in a couple days.

"I'm here.." I walk out of his bedroom, chuckling at the sheer amount of my clothes stuffed in his closet.

We had been staying over at each other's place on and off, but looking at both our closets, you'd think we'd been living together again.

Considering how important the past few weeks had been, Jude had been training a lot. I was especially worried about him and his health, mainly thinking of his shoulder injury.

His doctor and the team's physiotherapist had reassured me personally, but still, I could help but wince every time he touched his shoulder and grunted. Or seeing the multiple, pain-stopping injections, he had to take to play a full ninety minutes.

"You look handsome.." I mutter when reaching the front door, pressing a kiss onto his plump lips, my hands reaching to fix the collar of his button down. My lipgloss leaving a sheen of glitter on his lips, it making me chuckle as he gave me a dumbfounded look.

We’re fairly young, and early in our relationship, we realized that fancy dates weren't really our thing. But tonight was one of the few occasions we'd go all out, and dress up very nicely.

"You look absolutely stunning, love.." He smiles, his hand circling around my waist and down my back, fingers digging into the fabric of my dress.

"Thank you, baby.." I hum, giving him a small wink. A loud chuckle leaves my lips as he attempts to wink back, though, just like every time, it looks like he's got something in his eyes, instead of being cheeky.

"What's so funny, hm?" Jude questions, hands trailing down to grip at my bum, squeezing slightly.

"Mhm, nothing.." I say, reaching up to fix his hair a little. "Should we leave? It's getting late.."

He agrees instantly, and I wrap my arm around his as we walk out of his house. The sun hadn't set yet, mostly because summer was coming soon, and I couldn't wait to enjoy the weather this year, yet again.

"Wait- I didn't grab my keys.." I gasp, eyes going wide as I watch him pull the door shut.

"Oh, you're definitely not driving missy, especially not in those heels.." Jude says, giving me a cheeky smile, and I can immediately sense that he is hiding something.

"You got your license?!" I beam, eyes glistening in happiness. Though, my excitement is cut short when he shakes his head, an embarrassed look on his face.

"No, I did not get my license.."

"Oh.." I say, the corners of my mouth twitching as I hold back a menacing laugh.

"So, you'll be my passenger prince forever?" I bring my hand up to grab onto his bicep, squeezing the muscles as my body leans against his.

"Will you ever stop saying that?" I watch his lips move, eyes glimmering when his lips pull into a slight pout.

"When you get your license, sir. I'll stop calling you my passenger prince..."

"I'm sure you would like a break from it then.." Jude says, his expression changing to a smug one within a split-second, and I follow his lead without thinking.

My uncomfortable heels click against the concrete as Jude leads me outside the gates of the house, a sleek black Rolls Royce parked right in front of the driveway.

"You got a driver for tonight?" I ask, eyes fixated on the, admittedly sexy car.

"Going all out for my lovey tonight. I've got to spoil my girl, always.."

I grin at his sweet words, warmth reaching my face, and I suddenly feel shyness creeping up on me. I shift my gaze for a second, avoiding eye contact with him and staring at the concrete.

"Aw, is my pretty girl shy now? You weren't like this a moment ago, huh?" A soft noise of protest leaves my mouth at the loving words. My breath hitching as he presses a kiss on my neck, right against my jugular.

"Come on, love. We'll be very late to our reservation if I keep you here longer.." Jude gives me a charming smile, grabbing onto my hand and pulling me towards the car, making me forget whatever my thoughts were before he'd made my heart flutter.

"I'm sweating literal buckets. I can't even breathe properly right now.." My eyes immediately shift to Luis, my right eye twitching, just like it has been on and off this entire day. The stress and anxiety of this all had been building up in us both, causing actual physical symptoms to show.

"Ask me about it, I went peeing two times already, and we're just seventy minutes into this match.." I say, wiping my sweaty hands down my black jeans. The laptop and phone on my lap shaking, as I bounce my knee up and down in anticipation.

My heart also leaped in my throat every time Jude got fouled. Checking the stats confirmed my suspicion, he currently is the most fouled player on the pitch.

I obviously knew it was a part of the game, but considering his injury- I couldn't help but be worried.

"Fuck, I swear if we score, I'm going to lose my shit." Luis says, running a hand through his curly hair, and I can almost feel the nerves radiating off of him.

Well, all 90.000 people in Wembley Stadium feel the exact same way right now. From supporters to chairmen of both respective clubs, sitting on the edge of their seats as we all watched the Champions League final between Real Madrid and Borussia Dortmund unfold, live in front of our own two eyes.

My breath hitches in my throat as we're given a corner. The grip on my phone getting tighter as Luis glances at me.

"Okay, we got this, Toni's so experienced-"

"Shut up, I'm trying to focus.." I exclaim, grabbing onto Luis' shoulder to calm him down.

"You can't exactly focus with 90,000 people screaming.." He replies, glancing at me.

I open my mouth to speak, but decide to spare my breath, and stop breathing in anticipation.

Right, at that moment, Toni kicks the ball from the corner flag, it flies upwards as we watch both our players and Dortmund players scramble in front of the goal.

Finally, Dani jumps up and GOALLLL!!

The entire Madridista side jumps up in celebration, my devices almost slipping out of my hand and onto the floor as we jump up to cheer as loud as we can.

"I'm going to kiss Dani's forehead after this!" Luis screams, making me choke on my laughter. I hurry up and return my attention back to my devices, as happy as we were, we still had our job to do and execute.

I close my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath to calm down, before we both go back to doing our jobs.

Our wishes and prayers for a second goal aren't that far away, time-wise. Dortmund player Maatsen tries passing the ball, due to a wrong estimation, Jude gets the ball instead, shooting to Vini.

He goes on to score the second banger of the night. The stadium erupts in both cheers of happiness and screams of protest.

It's even louder than after the first goal, and we know it's only a matter of five minutes before our boys secure the victory over this season's Champions League..

y/n fixes her shirt for the nth time, trying to fidget with something before she loses her mind. Standing in the tunnel, she glances at Luis. Both of their eyes glimmering, as they wait for the families of the players to enter the pitch to celebrate the win.

They were insanely busy with handling their work, channelling their emotions into doing their job, to make sure it's all taken care of before they were done for the night. The automated system, consisting of already edited work, would take care of the rest from now on...

"Dude, what just happened?.." Luis whispers, glancing at the equally mesmerized girl next to him.

"We won!" She squeals, letting her excitement and happiness show as she hugs Luis. "Fuck, I don't even know what I would do if we lost. I'd actually be having a breakdown right now.."

Luis hugs her back, patting her head affectionately.

"You've worked very hard, y/n. Thank you for being my best friend and best colleague.." He says, giving her a brotherly smile.

"Thank you too, older brother.." She laughs, voice slightly teasing, as she pats his shoulder.

"Oh, I think we can join the celebrations.." He says, pointing to the families they’ve gotten very close with over the years.

The familiar faces joining their loved one on the pitch to celebrate this huge milestone in their careers.

"Come on.." Luis says, dragging her along and onto the pitch.

She looks around, a permanent smile plastered on her face as she's overwhelmed by the emotions running through her body.

"Dani!" Luis shouts, and y/n watches him run up to the goal scorer, just like his promise- Luis plants a fat kiss on the athlete's head.

y/n laughs loudly at the interaction, making eye contact with Dani’s wife, and laughing even harder at her confused expression.

She shakes her head at her best friend’s antics. Realizing she's alone now, she freezes. Cameras were absolutely everywhere at the moment, and she was absolutely sure at least one was pointed towards her.

The weeks following the photos of their dates being leaked were quite turbulent, with a lot of support, but also criticism- it was very difficult to ignore the reactions.

She wasn't anywhere close to wanting to be a public figure of some sort, so the attention was putting a lot of pressure on her.

But loving a star athlete, like Jude meant having to sacrifice some part of her privacy. If it meant she could run up to him now, and kiss his face a couple of times.

Then screw privacy, she'd throw that all away to get to him right now.

Her eyes darting to the rest of the enormous pitch again, frowning when she can't find the boy she's so desperately looking for.

Finally, after squinting a whole lot, and definitely causing damage to her eye muscles, she finally makes eye contact with the equally lost looking Jude.

He's standing in between both his parents, arms around them as he looks around wearily.

Jude's eyes immediately light up in relief when he spots y/n, mumbling something to his smiley parents before he makes a run for it.

Within seconds, he's by his girlfriend's side, and she jumps up to wrap her legs around his waist in greeting. He pulls her flush against him in a tight embrace. y/n cups his jaw tenderly to place multiple kisses on his face.

"I'm so fucking proud of you, baby.." She breathes out, cut off as he presses his lips onto hers, exhilarating kiss that makes them forget other people are around, and especially the hundreds of cameras and phones filming the pitch.

He catches her lips, plump lips sucking onto her bottom lip before they're forced to pull back for air. They pant, faces warm, and cheeks hurting from how much they'd smiled within the past couple minutes.

"I'm proud of you too, baby. Come on, you're my family too. Forget about work and the cameras here for me, yeah?”

She plants her shoes back onto the grass when he lowers back on the floor. She looks down as he grabs onto her hand. Playing with her fingers as he makes eye contact with her.

Reaching up, she swipes at a piece of grass stuck on his temple, probably from being fouled earlier, she chuckles at the sight, biting her lip.

“Come on, then. Your parents are waiting..” She says, turning and dragging him along the pitch. Skipping towards his awaiting, happy parents. Who look at them with an infinite amount of joy and proudness in their eyes.

“He’s a winner! Jude’s our winner!!”

[bettyfrommars]

The Nightmare Factory

an Eddie Munson x Reader series

The Fabric of Moonbeams

Masterlist

18+Only for mature themes, mention of sleep disorders and sleeping medication, longing, afab!reader, astral travel, horror icons. wc: 4.2.

Eddie got demoted to Ominous Thuds & Ghostly Whispers status after the whole Headless Horseman debacle.  Not because Steve or Saul narced on him, but because the eye in the nightmare sky sees everything.

He tried tapping the morse code that Wayne taught him on your bedroom wall one night, but only succeeded in making you sleep upright in the chair in your living room with all of the lights on.  You had dark circles under your eyes the next day, and almost dozed off at your keyboard.

You spent a lot of time looking at the sketch you had done of him, and the description of the headless horseman dream that you remembered with fascinating clarity.  You could close your eyes and smell the soap and leather of his skin now, and you could see the way his mouth moved when he spoke to you.  He knew your name, and you felt like you knew him.  

You found a book at the library called, “My boyfriend, My Nightmare” about a woman who believed she was in a relationship with a man in her dreams for years.  No one believed her, of course, and she was diagnosed with a particular type of rare disorder that had her on such heavy sleeping medication that it was impossible to remember her dreams, if she even had them at all.  

You sank down on a soft chair and almost read the entire thing in one sitting.  According to this woman, there is a place called The Nightmare Factory where your nightmares punch a clock and take lunch breaks together and collect a paycheck.  Apparently, it sits on a separate plane of existence, and you go there when you sleep.  Nightmares can exist during waking hours as well, the author said, and you sat up straight to read that paragraph.  

“The membrane that keeps our worlds apart begins to dissolve when you are able to perceive the nightmares, when you begin to understand that there is no true distinction between reality and dreams.”

“If you can imagine it, it exists somewhere in possibility,” the author continued.  “The Nightmare Factory workers are a form of entertainment to save us from the true horrors of human existence.”

What ever happened to the woman? Did she ever get to be with the man she fell in love with in her nightmares?  You skipped to the last chapter, and skimmed a few pages until you found what you were looking for.  

Her final words were very vague, but she admitted to going off of her prescribed sleeping medication, which made her have insomnia for a week, but then she started to dream again.  

“I know that no one will believe me, and that’s fine, I did not write this to convince anyone.  I’m having it published through a private company to help those who might find themselves in a similar situation.

By the time you read this, I will be gone.

The physical particles of my body have a hard time assimilating when I return from dreams now, and one day soon, I will stay there with him and not return through the secret door.  I’m not sure if I will ever be able to get back to this astral plane as anything more than a visitor, so please, if you are able to cross over, find me.”

You checked the clock on the wall, knowing you should head home, and then you found a few more books to take with you.  One was a manual on how to decipher your dreams, and the other was another memoir, though not as detailed, that someone had written about moving through the dream world with your physical body.

That’s impossible, you mused to yourself.

But still, some strange blossom of hope in your gut moved you to tuck it under your arm.

Meanwhile, Eddie flirted his way into the 7am Unexplained Voices & Creaking Stairs class by offering to service the teacher’s car for free.  She was a ghostly apparition who wore glasses and a pair of gloves to give students a hint to her presence.  She finally accepted after some hesitation, knowing full well that there was a waitlist. 

Anyway, her ghostmobile was not only serviced, but detailed, and there Eddie was, in the front row, bouncing his knee, eager to learn anything and everything he could.  

His band played a show at the Hideout that night.  The Hideout in Eddie’s dimension was a place where a lot of Nightmare Factory workers went after their shifts, so it often looked like the bar scene from Star Wars, but with ghouls. The factory was the biggest employer for a thirty mile radius, and everyone who grew up in Hawkinsville had worked there at least once in their life.  

It had been difficult when Eddie and Wayne first moved there when he was young.  Eddie was what they called “a normie”, meaning he was not born into the nightmare life.  He hadn’t been raised by evil clowns or wolves or demons who walked on goat legs.  He’d picked up shapeshifting pretty fast though, and he’d learned to make his eyes go completely black whenever he wanted to by the time he was ten.

There were more than four drunks at the place that night, Eddie counted at least six, and then there were a few normies at a table, but he didn’t recognize them.  The bartender had a beer ready for him and slid it to the end of the bar before giving him a “thumbs up” motion.  Corroded Coffin did not get paid by the venue to play on Tuesday nights, so the beer was always on the house.  They had a tip jar at the edge of the stage that usually only had a couple bucks in it by the end of the evening, or a sprinkle of loose change.  

They were halfway through the set when Eddie looked out into the crowd and saw you.

He blinked hard, squeezing his eyes shut for a beat, but when he opened them again, he saw that it was really you—standing there, staring back at him, plain as day.

Sure, the room was dark and filled with smoke, but there seemed to be some type of luminescence around you.

Eddie cleared his throat into the mic and wiped his hair off his sweaty forehead, waiting to make sure to make sure you weren’t a mirage for the thirsty man that he was.  Some shrill feedback sounded through the speakers, and he mumbled an apology to the crowd.

You lifted your hand up slowly to wave at him, and you mouthed a little, “hi,” as a smile twitched across your lips.

But this time, it was Eddie who woke up.

He was back in his own bed, gasping for air, wanting to cry, wanting to return, needing to know how you had made it into his dream.

You were looking for him now.  Somewhere, behind the scenes of time and space, an invisible membrane was getting thinner.  

—------

“Are you coming or what?” Your friend Ellie turned to see that you had stopped short at the entrance to the Haunted House attraction you were about to enter.  You’d already paid, and had your hand stamped, but all of a sudden you wanted to be back in your bed, reading.  

You loved Halloween, but you weren’t a huge fan of jump scares, unless they were coming from that guy you kept dreaming about, the one named Eddie.

You wrote his name down in cursive and blocked letters all over the inside of your notebook, wanting to press it into the wrinkles of your brain.  It had been weeks since you last saw him, and every night you hit the pillow, you were hopeful.  

“I’m coming,” you jogged a bit to catch up, listening to the evil, mechanical cackling and high-pitched screams coming from inside.

You caught up to her and stayed close.  There were strobe lights inside and menacing figures loomed in the narrow hallway before you turned a corner into a dining room full of people with decapitated heads.  A few scare actors jumped out to lurch at you from dark corners while thunderous organ music played.

After the next room, there was a shuffle of people as one of the animatronic spiders dropped down from the ceiling, and one of the scare actors with a pig mask blocked your path right when the hallway split, so you lost Ellie, and all of a sudden, you were alone.  

You spun in a circle and called Ellie’s name.

Surely you’d still be able to hear the sounds from the haunt? But everything was quiet, the crowd was gone, and the noises from earlier were muffled, as if coming from far away.

Panic rose in your throat as you felt along the wall for a light switch or a door.  You stumbled around a black, velvet curtain and caught sight of the glowing EXIT sign with a rush of relief.

“Ellie? Anybody?” You eyes were having a hard time adjusting to the inky darkness, but the illumination from the sign gave you hope

This was fine, you’d wait for the other’s outside and tell them you had to duck out because you weren’t feeling well, which was not a complete lie.  

Beyond the door were aged, wooden stairs that went down.  A single light bulb dangled from the ceiling to offer a weak, ocre glow.  You didn’t remember climbing stairs to get into the building, but you must’ve been mistaken.

You hurried down the steps, hearing the door slam shut behind you with unexpected force, enough to shake the walls.  

Something didn’t feel right; the further you went down on the creaking steps, the darker and danker it seemed to get.  There was a sudden heat emanating and you could make out some soft rattling and hissing sounds.

By the time you realized you’d gone down into a sealed basement, it was too late.  

It wasn’t just a basement, though—it was a…boiler room?

There were metal tanks producing steam mounted with temperature gauges, and you couldn’t see to the other side of the space because they were massive.

“Hello?” You took a tentative step forward, looking around the concrete walls for some type of door to get out of the building.  Your heart was in your throat, and your breathing was getting rapid as your eyes jerked from side to side like a scared rabbit.  

You wrapped your arms around yourself. “Can anyone hear me? I got turned around and I’d like to leave now.”

There came a high pitched scraping then, like nails on a chalkboard, and it was so shrill, you had to cover your ears.  

“I can hear you just fine,” a deep, gravely voice chuckled from somewhere to your right.

Your attention snapped in that direction.  Instinct was telling you to start backing up, to get further away, to go bolt up the stairs, but that’s not what you did—you just froze there.  

It wasn’t long before you spotted a pair of glowing eyes peering at you from between two of the pipes, against the far wall. 

There was a person standing there.

It had to be one of the scare actors, down there on their break, or maybe this was a part of the haunt? But where was everyone else? And why was there a huge, poorly lit boiler room in the basement of that old house?

“I’ve been waiting for you,” he spoke in an evil sneer, like a villain in a cartoon.  

“This isn’t funny,” you shouted. “I just want to get out of here, please.”

He gave another diabolical cackle, and then there was the sound of nails on a chalkboard again.

The man in the basement with you stepped into view with a flourish, brandishing the long, metal daggers on his hand, flexing each finger for you to see each one individually; the tips were sharp and the blades caught the light.  He had on an old, brown fedora, a green and red sweater, and his skin was covered in scar tissue from severe burns.

You were down in that boiler room with Freddy Krueger.

The scream you let out as he charged toward you might’ve cracked fissures in the concrete.

You spun on your heel—

—and landed face first into the body of the person that had been standing behind you.  You felt the ragged, torn nature of a shirt under your cheek as whoever it was had enormous height, and then you pushed back and looked up in time to see a hockey mask with black eyes staring down at you, expressionless. His shoulders were broad and his body massive. Out to the side, he brandished a gleaming machete that was the length of your arm.

“Hi baby, get behind me!” The person in the Jason Voorhees mask said, sounding slightly echoed and muffled. The look he had was the same as in the movies, but this one had curly, almost frizzy dark hair that was long past his shoulders.

That voice…it was Eddie.

It was your Eddie.

You stammered a partial question, but then  you were already moving, letting his arm guide you around so that his body acted as a shield from Freddy who was cackling and swiping his finger knives around; you could hear the sharp whistle of air against the metal.  

You held on to the hips of Voorhees Eddie from behind and peeked under his raised arm to look at Freddy.  This Eddie in front of you was tall and massive, much more so than you remembered from the last dream you had.

“What the hell are you doing here, maggot?” The Freddy Krueger guy growled, saliva dripping from his yellow teeth as his pocked skin stretched over his cheeks like curdled milk.  

“Don’t worry about it, Jerry,” Eddie growled with disdain, throwing his machete into the other hand with deft precision. It twirled in the air and he caught it by the handle.  “This one is mine.”

“Oh, really?” The guy who looked like Freddy suddenly had a normal voice again, and his shoulders relaxed, dropping his hands to his sides. “I didn’t know, wow man, I’m sorry. Did I get the schedules mixed up?”

Voorhees Eddie relaxed too, dropping his free hand down to hold your hip, making sure you were still there. “No, you’re good,” Eddie’s voice was light now, soft, even. “I’m just filling in for Alex, he’s on vacation for a few days.”

“Paid leave?” Freddy/Jerry asked.  You were trying to match his face with the voice coming out, but it wasn’t working.

“I think so,” Eddie nodded once. 

“Must be nice to have seniority,” Jerry put his knives hand on his hip and scratched under his hat with the other. “Okay well, I’m going to head over to the next job. See ya, Munson.”

And with that, a black space the size of a door opened behind Jerry and he stepped through it. The door disappeared, and so did he. 

“Eddie?” You said his name over the hiss of the boilers as he turned to you.  You could see the realistically gray, rotting flesh of his Voorhees skin under his mask.  “What are you doing in a boiler room looking like Jason Voorhees?”

“Workin’,” he smiled and dropped the machete to the concrete with a clang to be able to snake his arms around you so that his fingers clasped at your lower back.  “I’ve been missing you.”

His new height was throwing you off as you tilted your head back to look up at him.  

“I recognized your voice this time,” you smiled, proud of yourself.  

He lowered his head to touch the mask to your forehead.  “I didn’t mean to disappear on you.  It took me a while to be able to have physical form again, to be able to see you like this.”

“It’s okay, I know,” you slid your hands up the torn clothing over his broad chest.

“You know?” He pulled back, searching your face.

“I’ve been reading this book, about where you work,” you wet your lips. “That Nightmare Factory place. I’ve been trying to figure out…how to see you more often.”

Eddie’s heart jumped.  He put his hand over yours on his chest and held it there, and you could see that even as Jason Voorhees, he still wore his signature metal rings.  “You’d do that for me?”

“Of course,” you got a bit bashful and looked down. “I want to…get to know you better.”

“I saw you the other night in my dream,” he rubbed his thumb over the back of your hand.  

You stared up into his eye sockets of his mask, and your face lit up.  “That was cool, wasn’t it? I couldn’t believe I found you.  There is a sort of meditation in the book that I did about a thousand times, and it was only for a second. I think it’s a type of astral projection. You looked really good on stage.”

Eddie tucked his chin almost bashfully, moving his hand to interlace his fingers with yours.  “You thought I looked good?”

Eddie had been learning too.  Learning new skills to come to you in your nightmares, but also learning about a rare case where a nightmare worker crossed into your dimension and stayed there.  They were never heard from again, and some say they didn’t survive the crossover and their particles exploded into the ether, but Eddie chose to believe that was a lie to keep people from trying.  

Suddenly, there was a banging sound, muffled and far away, but you could feel it thudding in your chest.  You checked around the room, thinking it was noise from one of the pipes, but Eddie dropped your hand and squeezed your arm, checking his digital wrist watch with a sigh like he usually did when he was about to make his exit.

Back at the factory, someone was banging their fist against the transportation door, shouting for Eddie. He tightened the muscles in his jaw, frustrated that there never seemed to be enough time. It sounded a whole lot like Kevin.

He had to figure something out soon, before his heart exploded.

“Are you in trouble again?” Now that you knew a bit more about what he did, you feared he might get penalized, and you wouldn’t lay eyes on him for another month.  The pounding continued intermittedly, and you faintly heard someone call out Eddie’s name.

“No, not this time, sweetheart,” Eddie stretched, puffing his chest out a bit, and then bent forward to put the mouth of the mask on your forehead. You could feel his warm breath on your skin there.  “But my shift is over.  I have to get back before my timer goes off.”

“Before your timer goes off? Sounds like you’re in a microwave.”

“Well,” he tipped his head to the side, thoughtfully.  “The technology is similar, I suppose, but yeah, I hate to leave you like this.”

You hugged Eddie Voorhees as hard as you could and spoke into his chest.  “Maybe next time, I’ll find you first.”

The distant banging got louder, more persistent.

He bent down to grab the machete, pushed a button on his watch, and the same square, black opening in the air appeared.

There was a second there when you considered just running and jumping through his door, but then you remembered a part in the book when it mentioned how that type of jarring dimensional travel could give Dreamers what scuba divers called “the bends” from the dramatic change in pressure.  

You were about to tell him you’d miss him, or goodbye, or something else, but then, in a blink, you were jolted back to your senses—

—you were back in the hallway of the haunt right after the spider had dropped from the ceiling.

Wait a minute.  How had that happened?

You were at a dead halt, stopping the flow of people traffic as you looked down at your hands and over at Ellie who had turned around to motion you to keep moving as another scare actor dressed like a deranged doctor covered in blood jumped from the corner.

When you got home, you rushed to your desk to open the book, and flipped to the chapter called “The fabric of moonbeams”.  It talked about “dream pockets” that occurred like daydreams when you were linked to someone.  The author didn’t know exactly how to explain it, but she suspected it had something to do with sudden surges of adrenaline that caused a dimensional shift, especially if you had a connection to someone at the factory.  

You sketched out Eddie again that night, this time, it was what you remembered from when you’d visited him for a few seconds at The Hideout.  Flanked by his bandmates, he was strumming the strings on his guitar, looking down with one knee bent out and his hair hanging down.  

You wanted to recapture the scene as realistically as possible so that you could study it to prepare for the next time you tried to visit him.  Next time, maybe you'd step into his world and not his dream.

Maybe next time, he’d kiss you again.

----

Happy Halloween weekend to all of you who are enjoying this series, thank you for reading 🧡

[scaramouche-writes]

Mini smutshot

Okay, like I promised here y'all go! (Feeding my children) And don't forget, requests ARE open. TW: Fingering, oral sex, raw sex, cunnilingus, degrading acts, and foul language, Scara's a bitch...per usual though. Also I am sooo sorry Kazuha's is short, I couldn't think of what to write for him. Enjoy, loves <3 Y'all have been warned. Don't come at me please 😭😭😭 2.1k words

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Scaramouche/Wanderer:

He was gone again....for work...you sighed. You felt very lonely. It was hard when he had to leave...sure you may have been used to it at this point, but you still couldn't help but feel a twinge of pain in your chest when you heard he had to leave. And to add onto the stress of worrying about him, and when he'd get home, you had to deal with a boss who severely underpays his workers, leading them all to be grumpy. You were supposed to get your paycheck today, and when you didn't, you marched straight over to your boss, who just shrugged and said. "Sounds like a problem that YOU need to take care of. Not me." And my god were you pissed. You were ready to break someones face in. This entire 3 weeks, it's been like this. Get up, go to work, get mistreated, go home, eat dinner alone. It was like that all the time. You were getting so tired and frustrated because of it all. It was just too much for you to take in. When Scaramouche FINALLY came home, he was exhausted and ready to just get wrapped up in your embrace. But you just denied him. You quite literally turned your body away from him, and face the wall, with your arms crossed over your chest....Sure it was petty, but you wanted him to feel the same way as you did, when he left you pent up, and by yourself. Annnnddddd let's just say Scaramouche didn't take that too well. He gripped your shoulders. "Hey, what the hell y/n?! Pay attention to me."

He waved a hand in front of your face "Hello. I'm talking to you!" He said clearly frustrated with your attempts at ignoring him. His deep violet eyes, clearly had a hint of desperation in them. "Fuck off." Was all you said to him, as you shoved his hands off of you. "What's your deal?" Scaramouche asked in a snarky tone "I DON'T have a 'deal' I'm fine" You snapped back "Really? Because to me, you're acting like a little prissy pants." You had already been feeling shitty, and when he said that, you lost it. You quickly snapped your head to face him, and slapped him across the face. The room was silent...the only thing that could be heard, was the slap echoing throughout the room. His head was forced to the side as you hit him. He slowly turned back to face you. Scaramouche looked pissed. Pissed as all hell. He roughly shoved you against the wall "You dare do that to me!?" He was not happy You only glared at him, which fueled the already tense energy of the room. "Don't act like you're everything just because you were chosen for a 'important mission'" You snapped back at him He got up real close and personal to you, so close that you could feel his breath against your lips glaring with his hate filled eyes. "You have NO right to lay a hand on me like that." He answered back. "Do not EVER do that again. Do you understand me?" He asked clearly not in the mood for games. You didn't answer him, which caused him to roughly grab your jaw in one hand, as the other held you to the wall "I SAID do you understand me?" He spoke clearly and loudly "No" You said back, just trying to push his buttons at this point...which he won't lie, it worked. You were severely pent up, and ready to piss him off so much until he fucked you dumb. He growled at you and pushed you farther into the wall. And then out of no where, he suddenly slammed his mouth onto yours. It wasn't pretty, or all that nice. It was sloppy and he kind of hit your teeth with his. His hands went under your shirt, and he started taking off your bra, as he smushed his body onto yours. Once the bra was off, all hell broke lose. Scaramouche rubbed your sensitive nipples in his fingers, twisting and pinching them. You let out a soft cry of pleasure into the kiss. When you moaned Scaramouche smirked wider. He grabbed a fist full of your tit and massaged it in his hand. You whimpered and whine, practically begging for more When he pulled away, he smirked at you "Do you really think you deserve this?" He scoffed "Because after what you pulled, I don't think so." His hands moved from under your shirt, to your ass, he roughly grabbed the piece of flesh in his hands and squeezed. His hands slipped under your skirt, and to your dripping heat. You weren't wearing panties.... "What a naughty girl" Scaramouche mocked "Well, there's only one way you get naughty girls to do what you want" He without warning roughly shoved his fingers into your cunt, and started pumping his fingers in and out of you, with no mercy. You let out a cry of pleasure, as your body begun to shake at the unexpected amount of pleasure that just went through your body, that felt oh so electrifying

Let's just say, you won't be going back to work for a couple of days....

-------------------------------------------------------------- Kazuha:

Kazuha was a quiet and reserved kind of guy. You did do quite a bit to try and get his attention though. Wearing lingerie Saying dirty things Sharing your fantasies Your wants and desires, But nothing seemed to be enough. You wanted more....and he just wasn't giving you his all. You wouldn't stop though. Not until you finally fix this little.....problem....of his. You had been accompanying him on his mission to help the traveler. Though sometimes it felt like he gave the traveler more attention than you. It was frustrating to say the least. You walked hours through different types of environments, and while all of them were pretty in their own way, none of them were as pretty as your white haired boyfriend. He was constantly talking to the traveler and it was no longer just frustrating. You were done with it. So done. And once you called him out for it, all he said was a soft "Sorry" And that was it. No plan on what he was gonna do to fix it, or any comfort. You had all just come back from the fight with the Shogun, and you were currently cleaning his wounds. You sat on the bed with alcohol in your hand dabbing the gash on his back/ You leaned forward, next to his ear and whispered "You gonna stop right?" "Stop what?" Your poor clueless boyfriend asked. You suddenly pressed on his gash, making his back go straight up, and he winced a little. "Hey...what was that for?" He asked still not sure what was going on "Well if you had just promised not to be so touchy with the traveler, we wouldn't have a problem, would we?" You asked switching your position so that you were practically on top of him. Tonight would be the night. Finally. You'd make him go all out. "I guess you care about the traveler more than me." You spoke. "Y-you know that's not true y/n....." Kazuha said a bit flushed at the sudden change of position. "Yes you do. You just love them and want to protect them more than you ever would with me." You said back. You two went on like this for a while. Back and forth "This happened and you don't love me" To "You know that's not how it is." Eventually he got a little fed up with your behavior and without much warning slipped his pants down and moved your panties to the side, slamming you down on his hard cock. You didn't get a chance to adjust before he started moving your hips for you. Kazuha bit his lip and let out heavy breaths. The suddeness of all the pleasure made you throw your head back and let out little groans. "Be quiet please." Was all he said, harshly, just also in a way that you knew he wouldn't hurt you. That night was a long night for you. But hey.....

You asked for it, right.

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Xiao:

You liked tracing your fingers along his tattoo. Drawing over the shape of it. You liked to make him sit down after a long day out, and you like to play with his messy blue hair, and trace his tattoo. It was a long day for him today. He came back home, all tired and sore. You offered a massage, but he decline. You wanted to help, but didn't know how.... You even tried to get him to sit down so you could play with his hair, and trace his tattoo...like always, but he was not having it. "No thanks y/n" "Look, I'm not in the mood" "Can you just leave me alone" And that's where you find yourself now... Alone in your room, with your knees to your chest while laying against the headboard, and Xiao out in the hallway pacing....Why was he so stressed? And why did he have to be so mean about it too!? ...You were just trying to help.... You could feel a lump in your throat, and tears in your eyes, but you quickly sniffled and wiped off the tears, clearing your throat. It felt like forever in a day, but finally there was a sudden eager knock on the door. You sighed. It was probably Xiao....you didn't want to talk to him now....especially in fear of letting him see the state you're in just because of his words. It was pathetic....I mean he was just stressed, he didn't mean it....right? So why were you so upset? You couldn't figure it out... The knock rang throughout the walls again, "y/n?" "Can we talked please?" He asked, with desperation coming out of his tone. You could tell he felt bad by the guilt that was evident in his tone. "What?" You asked back to him bluntly. The door slowly opened to reveal a short guilt-ridden man. Xiao went in cautiously going slow to make sure you were okay with this. Once he realized you weren't gonna throw a fit about it, he walked in more and shut the door behind him. At this point you had laid down and turned away from him. You couldn't look him in the eyes....at least not right now. Currently Xiao took a seat on the foot of the bed. He gently rubbed your legs, and turned you over to face him "Listen.....I'm...sorry...I shouldn't have been so rude when you were just trying to help." Xiao said with an apologetic soft smile. You sat up in bed and hugged him tightly. "It's okay...I know you didn't mean it" Xiao gladly accepted the hug, and squeezed you back tightly, letting his hands go under your arms, and around your body to meet once again. You both stayed like that for a couple of minutes. Soon Xiao pulled away and planted a kiss to the top of your head. "I'm gonna make it up to you, okay?" Xiao stood up and pulled you to the edge of the bed, grabbing you by your ankles. He slowly hooked his middle finger in your pants, and pulled them down. He tossed the now discarded pants on the ground...somewhere. He slowly got to his knees and spread your thighs open. You blushed and on instinct, you tried to shut your legs, to which he rubbed your thighs and looked up at you with a soft gaze. "Relax.....I'll take care of you...Don't worry." He then slowly moved closer to your wet pussy. The suddeness of the situation couldn't help but make you horny. He gently spread your lips apart with his index and middle finger, he then gave your cunt a few kitten licks before attaching his lips to your sensitive bud, and sucking. Your hands instantly went to grip Xiao's hair, in an attempt to get more friction. You threw your head back and moaned loudly "O-oh go-d~ X-xiao, yes...yes please that feels so good!" You whined out. Xiao only smirked and sucked your poor swollen bud harder. You crossed your thighs around his back, pulling him closer, causing him to moan against your heat, sending vibrations up your spine. I'd say he made up for his mistake, wouldn't you?

[azucar-skull]

Shedding some light on my situation:

Yesterday, I opened up emergency commissions out of the blue with a very brief explanation on the current crisis at home. As promised, here are some more details on the situation.

Last Thanksgiving, I got disowned by half of my family on my mother's side after I exposed my abusers for what they are. Ever since I got home, it's one thing after another.

Recovery (physically from injuries too), chronic illness diagnosis, Grandpa having a hospital emergency (where I had to clean up his blood), Green Eyed Mask going on hiatus due to stress, finally finishing GEM...then my dad broke the TV.

It was so unlike him to be shouting at my mom for no reason, in my gut, I knew there was a bigger picture.

Dad getting upset, my aunts and uncles coming to visit more often, telling everyone to not say "Happy birthday" to Grandpa because he's too far gone, my abuela bringing out Grandpa's antiques from his time in military.

Last week, I was let out of class early and arrived home to everyone huddled in the kitchen with paperwork. While no one was looking, I saw that the paperwork was for Grandpa's will.

My grandpa is now 88 years old, the youngest sibling in his immediate family. His older brothers and father died at war, his sister and mother of old age. It was a given that this year is his last, he'll be lucky if he makes it to July.

A long anticipated death causes stress on the entire family. I've noticed that my body is out of balance, sobbing at random intervals all day even if I'm feeling fine. It's messing up my sleep, appetite, even my fucking periods which were already a bitch in the first place.

I avoided telling you guys because art is what kept me going. I would hide in my room and draw all day, the rest of the world fading. That's all I do now, hide.

But everyone else in my family is suffering too. My dad broke the TV 2 months ago and home is falling apart by the day. My brother opted to stealing food from the grocery store and living off of chicken tenders and fries from the deli. Mom is never seen, absorbed in her own work as much as I am. The house is a mess, the fridge is empty, bills piling up, riding pay check to paycheck.

It's not that we are poor or losing financial stability (I think), if we were I could turn to my community college for help but I'm not eligible. It's the fact that everyone is so down and busy that we forget the basics like food, long overdue haircuts, doctor appointments, taking care of the dogs, etc.

It's an "every man for themselves" kind of situation. And as a disabled person, I'm unable to work a stable job. So that's why I opened commissions. Money that I can hold of my own should there be a situation like now where I had to buy food the second I got my first order.

But this also means I am going to be more busy taking care of myself and my family. Comic production will be delayed a bit, and I unfortunately can't say for sure if Feral Casey AU will be ready by the end of May.

All I ask is for your support and patience. Reblogging my commission post helps a lot more than you think. And thank you again for everything.

Commission Post

[millenniumdueled]

hey I know there's already so many posts going around d asking for help so I feel really disgusting doing this again, I feel like I don't deserve it when other people are suffering too but im

drowning

I had to call in to work Wednesday and call our emoloyee help line because I was feeling so suicidal over financial stress and now I'm once again unable to stop crying. I just got the paycheck that I was leeching off of during my time off and

I can't afford to pay my rent. I'm $200 short even after taking my savings down to the minimum of $300 I have to maintain to not get charged a fee. I have less than $2 in my emergency checking.

I don't really expect anyone to help. it's my own fault for using time off work as an excuse to go to the bar one night and to eat out twice and I knew damn well I had no business doing either of them I just got caught up wanting to go out since my mental health has been really, really bad and I've been really, painfully unhappy every single day. I hadn't gone out since emo night in February and I don't know how to make irl friends without going places that cost money. I'm so lonely and depressed I just really wanted a chance to make a friend and get to spend time with someone in person again. and I did, I had a great night and played pool and made a friend and we're planning to meet up again but

it feels so much like it wasn't worth it and I knew I didn't deserve to go out and have that fun and I did it anyway

I'm rambling but owning my own mistakes and actions is important to me. I want to be honest that I didn't get fucked over with bills, I did something stupid and selfish and ungrateful and spent almost $100 during a week off work just for funsies. it's why I hate hate hate HATE myself for having to ask for help. I should have to suffer the consequences of my actions so I don't do it again

I have a hair appointment this month I'm already going to have to cancel because I can't afford it. and that's fine, even though it means risking being blacklisted by the only hair salon I've ever not been disappointed or traumatized by

but with student loan repayment starting up again very soon, I can't. empty my savings. I can't lose my entire next paycheck transferring it early to pay my rent.

I can't take any commissions. I have one big one I've been putting off since January bc I'm scared of starting it and it never being good enough. I've been working on another "simple" commission for a month. I don't want to make promises that I can't keep. maybe in the future I can take some more, but I'm not even entertaining the option until I finish what I started.

my pay pal is @MRheuble and venmo is @jupitertrash, or I have tips set up on my personal blog

[a-christmas-carol-from-hr]

Where the Stone Flowers Grow

TW: discussion of miscarriage and child loss, mentions of disordered eating

-

March 10th, 2013

Tower Hamlets Cemetery Park was hardly somewhere anyone expected to see Ellen Scrooge, chromium queen. It was too green. Too alive. Ellen was well known as somebody who preferred the indoors to the outdoors. But that was only because much of the outdoors in London weren’t her kind of outdoors. She disliked most parks and gardens, it was true. But that was because they weren’t her kind of gardens.

Her kind of gardens were like the countryside she’d grown up in. Wild and green and untamed and green. Swarming with insects, swarming with plants. Swarming with the things her mother and sister had so loved. Swarming with life.

Tower Hamlets Cemetery Park was her kind of outdoors.

She had been coming here more and more since Marley’s stroke. On evenings when she needed to take in some air, she found herself without fail in the green embrace of Tower Hamlets. She’d visited her mother and sister’s graves more in the past three months than she had in her entire life. Today brought her to them again.

“I have to do some chores today.” Ellen had told Marley while dressing. “I need to go to the Cemetery. To bring my mother and Farah flowers.”

Marley had looked up when she said that. “Do you…want me to go with you?”

The thought made her uncomfortable. But rejecting him felt even worse. “Sure.” She had said, trying to hide her unease. “It’ll be good exercise.”

When they’d entered the cemetery, Marley’s eyes had gone wide with surprise. The man was about as inclined as Ellen was to nature walks, and he had evidently not believed such a place could exist in their drab East End. He looked at the encroaching moss and the sticky mud and the tombstones sinking into the ground.

“I can see why you like it here.” He said with all sincerity.

She left him to his wanderings (they were trying to give him more independence) while she headed towards the section of the cemetery where her mother was located. Yaling Scrooge was not buried here, of course. Her ashes, and that of her son with no name, were somewhere in her father’s clutches. But she and Farah had paid for a tombstone with Ellen’s first paycheck.

Yaling’s headstone carried her name in Chinese first, a subtle jab at Jasper Scrooge that he’d never seen. The English below listed her name and the years she had been born and died in. They hadn’t inscribed such things as ‘loving mother’ or ‘devoted wife’. They’d thought the Chinese letters more important. Mum had tried so hard to keep her culture close, even as Jasper had demanded it stripped away like a scab. Ellen would be cold in her grave before she let anyone forget her mother’s culture.

She placed the bouquet of flowers at her grave. It was entirely biodegradable. In a few weeks it would feed the bugs that thrived in the graveyard. Mum would have loved that.

“Happy Mother’s day, Mother.”

Farah’s grave was nearby. Newer than Yaling’s, a bowl of Yangzhou fried rice and a jar of green tea sat on the grave, pristine despite the wildness around it. Ellen couldn’t help but smile at the sight. She must have just missed Fred. He brought his mother an offering of her favorite food each year. And- yes. There. Tucked behind the jar was a tiny bowl of beer. Cheap beer. Farah’s favorite.

“You have a good son, Farah.” Ellen said, placing a second bouquet alongside Fred’s offerings. “Happy Mother’s day, Huangfeng.”

The little statues aren’t so far from the other graves, so she usually visits them last. Today, she would especially prefer to visit them last.

She moved further into the gloom of the cemetery, enjoying the quiet of the grave as she moved along. She saw the red of the fabric tied around the statues first, and as she drew closer she saw the tiny stone faces come into view. As she approached her fingernail buried in her hand.

Ellen stood in front of them, as still as stone herself. For a moment, all she could do was stare. And then she moved.

“Stupid thing.” She said quietly, brushing her hand over one of the heads protectively. Its little red cap had become torn by the English winter. “You’ve torn it already. What are you to do now?”

She glanced over at the other statue. “He hasn’t torn his.” She chided as she removed the red knit fabric from the second statue. Without it, it seemed frightfully bare.

Ellen tucked the torn woolen cap into her pocket, and without hesitate unfurled her own red scarf from her neck.

“You are lucky I wore this today,” She said, as if she hadn’t put it on for this reason. “There. Now you are neat again. As neat as a pin.”

Bundled up in the oversized scarf, the statue looked like a swaddled babe.

“Now you’re all better.” Ellen murmured, breath hitching.

It was only then that she was aware of a presence behind her.

Marley was standing nearby, leaning on his cane as he watched her. How long he’d been there, she didn’t know. His expression was unfathomable as she straightened up.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“Chores.” She said, clearing her throat.

“You were talking to them. I saw you.” He said, glancing at the statues. “Those aren’t the graves. What are they?”

“Statues.”

“I can see that, woman.” He said.

“Well, then you don’t need to pry.” She snapped back, feeling vulnerable.

His expression turned to concern. “You’re- right. I’m sorry. I…was just…you’re right. I’m sorry. I can wait. Take all the time you need.”

“No, it’s- fine.” She said, looking at her hand as she brushed it down her coat. “I was finished.”

The gloom, that had once been so comforting, now seemed so very oppressive. It felt like she and Marley were the only ones in the world, isolated by the foliage. The only ones in the world. They, and a subject they’d never discussed.

She looked back at the statues. The wind had tugged at the scarf. Without thinking, she moved to fix it.

“Jizō.”” She said after a moment. Her voice was flat.

“What?” Marley asked, confused.

“Jizō. That’s what they are. They’re statues of Jizō. It’s part of a ritual. Mizuko kuyō.” She said as she adjusted the scarf.

“I’m not familiar.”

She tugged at the scarf. Why wouldn’t it lie straight? “It’s a ritual in Buddhism. Usually in Japan, but it’s spread to China as well. It’s a memorial statue.” If she goes farther, she cannot take it back. If she goes farther, things will not be the same. If she goes farther, it all could end.

But she can’t lie to him. Not in front of them.

“They’re memorials for lost children.”

She expected him to awkwardly nod. She expected him to say something and then make an excuse to go. She expected him to acknowledge this with as much emotion as he had before.

She didn’t expect his eyes to widen.

She didn’t expect the brief look of something to flicker over his face before he hid it.

She didn’t expect him to immediately look over at the second of the two statues.

“…Ah.” He said.

The only noise Ellen could hear was the whisper of the wind in the trees. She and Marley stood across from each other, close and far. The ghost of 2008 lingered between them.

She blinked first. She glanced at her phone before stiffly moving past him. “Fred wishes for me to double check something at Farah’s grave. I’ll be a moment.”

Marley nodded. He leaned heavily on his cane.

As she returned to Farah’s grave like the coward she was, she knew her sister was glaring at her from the other world. She put her hand on the top of the tombstone. The granite was grounding. Farah had been dead for two years when she was buried. Her partner had kept her ashes in the home for that long. But eventually he’d had them interred here, in the earth. Now Farah was in the trees and grass and plants around her. She’d have loved it.

Why is it so hard for you to talk about this? You’ve seen the man’s brain scans. You’ve held him down for a spinal tap. Why can’t you be open for once?

I can’t, she thought back as she looked at the grave. Not with this. Not again.

The wind seemed to snap at her skin. He’s not Bellamy, girl. But the cold breeze shifted again, becoming gentle as it played with her hair. It’s okay, Tu-Ying.

Farah had been dead two years before her partner had felt okay with letting her go. These things took time.

Maybe it was time for her, too, to try and let go.

She brushed her fingers over the tombstone with a sister’s care. “Why do you always have to be right?”

The leaves seemed to laugh at her.

The walk back seemed longer than the walk there. Maybe she was going slower, trying to avoid what seemed to grow ever closer. Maybe she was simply imagining it. But as she grew closer to the statues, she heard something. Something she did think she was imagining.

“...I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t know this was here.”

A voice was speaking quietly, gently, oh so painfully gentle.

It was his voice.

Marley was standing by the second statue, hand on its stone head. His cane leaned up against the platform. His only support was the statue.

“I know you’re here now. I know now. I’ll come and visit. I’ll bring something next time too. Something red. Roses, maybe. Yes. I’ll bring roses. I’ll bring you roses. I’ll bring you roses, even in the winter. It’ll be a fuss, but I’ll do it anyway. I’ll bring you flowers, even in the winter.”

A twig crunched under her foot as she stepped forward. It was the only sound she could make. She was too stunned to speak.

He turned around, as surprised as she was to see somebody else.

They stared at each other. A cavern seemed between them. An ocean. A secret. The Thing they had never spoken of again. He put on the mask of cool composure in an instant. But his eyes were rimmed as red as the statue’s fabric.

He’s grieving. Dear god. He was grieving.

“I wanted it.” She admitted. The words seem to rip out her lungs with them.

He looked at her for a moment. A long moment. An eternity. Stars seemed to be conceived and die in that moment.

And then the mask fell. And he looked so very tired.

“I wanted it too.”

Ellen let go of a breath she’d been holding for the past five years.

Marley looked back at the statue. His hand still rested on its head. His thumb brushed over the tiny stone face, like he was wiping dirt from a child. “You can t-t-think I’m pa-pathetic if you want. I do.”

“You’re not pathetic.” Ellen said faintly. “Do you think I’m pathetic?” She framed it as if it was a rhetorical question, but it rang entirely sincere.

“No.” Marley replied immediately. “But t-that’s different.”

“Why?”

“You would have been an excellent mother.”

Marley could have stabbed her right then and here and it wouldn’t have hurt as much as that did. Her hand rested on her ribs, the force of his words enough to elicit a physical reaction. But he didn’t seem to notice. He kept looking at the statue.

“It probably is a bit pathetic. I’m n-not the fathering type. I’d probably have made things worse. But…still.”

“No.” She said, finding her footing again. “No.”

“No, what? That I’m not the fathering type? I know that.”

“No,” She repeated. “No, you…would have been an excellent father.”

He looked back at Ellen, disbelief evident in his eyes. When he smiled, it was perfectly straight. “Thank you.”

“I mean it.” She moved closer, hand rubbing at her rib. “I…” She began. “...I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t know what to say e-either.” He admitted.

They stood in front of the stones, unable to do much else. As she stepped to his side, somehow their hands found each other.

It had begun to rain.

They stood there for God knows how long, wrapped in silence. When it was broken, it was broken by her.

“I’m sorry,” She began.

“For what?”

“Not knowing you were hurting. Fuck, not realizing you were hurting.”

“It wasn’t like I made it all that clear.”

“I should have noticed anyway. And I’m sorry.”

“...I’m sorry too,” He started. “I…should have tried more to reach you. I didn’t know what to say. What to do. I didn’t want to bother you, and you were so…as you were. I didn’t know how you felt, and I didn’t want to say anything wrong. I thought…” He trailed off.

“What?”

“No. Forget it.”

“What were you going to say?”

Marley hesitated. “...You seemed…closed off when you…told me. I didn’t know…how you felt. If you were…I didn’t want to bother you.”

If you were relieved.

Rain traced a line down her face. She ignored it. “...I was sad. I didn’t want it to end that way.” She said simply.

“I didn’t either.” He replied. They lapsed back into silence until he broke it.

“I waited for you.” It came out of Marley’s mouth in a tumble, a half-desperate confession.

“What?” She looked over at him, confused. His face had grown pale, his hand shaking. He had a distant look in his eyes.

“I waited. In the waiting room. For hours. Hours upon hours. They’d not let me back.” His accent slipped from English to Scottish seamlessly. “I sat there and then I’d try to argue with them and then I’d go back to sitting and then I made myself be sick, and for the first time it didn’t make me feel better.” He spoke quickly, as if he couldn’t hold it in another moment.

“I waited. For hours. And I had no idea what was going on. And then it was all over.”

Ellen breathed in. It felt like her lungs were coated in barbed wire, like each tube and line was made of venom. Her body felt like a warzone. Barren and void of life.

“Jacob,” She breathed. “I’m so sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t.”

“I know,” She replied. “But I’m sorry anyway.”

He tried to smile. There was rain dripping down his face. It was caught in the still growing buzz of his hair, running down the scar on his scalp.

“It’s funny. I can’t re-remember much of anything anymore. But I can remember every second of that day. Isn’t it funny?”

She moved closer, her other hand tilting his chin towards hers. “It’s funny.” She agreed.

She had a perfect memory. She never forgot anything.

Their foreheads met. Behind their skulls lurked a tangled mess of broken wires and twisted memories. But they were theirs.

“I love you.” He said quietly.

“I love you.” She repeated.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

“Me too.” She replied.

They stood like that for a few moments before breaking. It was strange, Ellen mused, how they had stopped being in physical contact so easily, but she had never felt closer to Marley than she did right now.

“We should get you out of the rain,” She said, something of her no-nonsense tone returning. As they leave, arm in arm, she speaks in a voice that is not quite casual.

“The apartment isn’t far from here. You should walk here when you feel up to it. It might be good for you.”

What she’s doing is transparent, even by Ellen Scrooge standards. If you miss them, you can visit. It’s okay. But Marley seems thankful for the invitation anyway. He smiles at her. It’s sad, but it’s crooked. And maybe that’s the best they can hope for.

-

Postscript

The next day she goes into work. Around lunch, a delivery was dropped off for her. She returns to her office to find a vase of flowers in wait.

“Somebody sent these for you, Ms. Scrooge.” The temporary assistant explains.

The bouquet is made up of lavender, and Arum lilies, and Forget-me-not, and rosemary, and red sage. A small card sits amid the blooms.

Happy Mother’s Day. -J

[alias-mike]

gonna be fr fellas i try to keep it lighthearted but the annoyances of my current living arrangements are being autism blasted into being terrible and horrible and its honestly not even that bad i just cant deal with So Many Changes and its not even really worth forcing myself to get used to because its only temporary for like 2 weeks before we leave for vacation (which i dont even want to go on because its not even to a cool place it was originally meant to cover most of the duration of the renovations so we can chill and not deal with whats going on rn but since were just here for most of it anyway the "vacation" doesnt even matter). and after all that we have to move everything out of the basement which is going to be a whole ordeal and i dont even care about my stuff anymore tbh. just leave it all in the box, none of it matters anyway and the only things i need are my clothes which all fit neatly in one convenient suitcase. did i mention i have to go to my job through all of this. my job that i have to stay at till 11pm and i always come home soaking wet because i wash everything for closing but i cant shower till the next day because the gym is closed so i just have to go to sleep damp with mystery water and sweat. and wake up early the next day to shower before people start showing up at the gym and it gets awkward because i am obviously not there to work out. like yes i am physically capable of doing all of this but i Feel Like i cant deal with any of it and i cant even get a hotel or something because even the cheapest ones are $100+ and a week of hotels would use up my entire paycheck. i also had no say in the decision to renovate and it doesnt even make any sense because the whole reason my parents are renovating is because they want to sell the house later but by "later" they mean in 5+ years and i will be long gone by then so why not just wait until i leave?? theyre not even good renovations either theyre like. painting the magenta and blue and yellow walls various shades of grey. i dont want to live in a soulless and joyless house but okay. itll be easier to sell or something. there are literally Zero Improvements (that matter to me at least) and i know thats an incredibly selfish take but like. this is my post about my opinions so thats kinda what youre gonna get. anyways. theres nothing i can do so i guess theres nothing i will do. goodnight

[foxxdoolz]

Journal (6-10-24)

I was told journaling is good for the mind. I don't believe that steaming wad of bullshit, but here we are.

Maybe there's something to say about something. But even as I type this, my mind his blank. Blank like always. Always blank. I've given it a phrase at this point.

The Art of Destroying Your Life.

Because, truly, at this point, it's my greatest piece of work to date. Not the scripts I have written, not the films I've made, but my inherent ability to feel nothing about my life.

I'm happy sometimes, sure, sad sometimes, but I can't run away from this crippling feeling of nothingness. That I simply just exist. And I love existing and breathing and loving and thinking.

I think about how, right now, at the age of twenty-one, I live surrounded by trash. Not hyperbole. Rotting takeaway on the floor, liquor cans standing right next to it, snack wrappers taking up an entire side of my bed so no body could sleep near. I find it totally disgusting, and yet I continue to let it rot.

Living is monotonous. And I love living, but I can't help the thoughts that any time I smile or laugh, am I just sliding a mask on? Am I truly content if the second I am away from whatever is immediately making me happy, I feel nothing?

I get into these slumps where I don't feel like existing. Not that I want to stop existing, no, but I don't want to be perceived, I suppose.

I remember the first time I felt this way. Eighteen. The retail place I worked at just closed down, my stability of my favorite job ever, gone without my say. And there would be weeks that would pass where I didn't shower, ate filth, the only moments of happiness coming from fleeting moments with my friends.

And, then, I applied to a film school, halfway across the country, and I felt invigorated. I had a goal to achieve. I had something to do. And I was constantly working towards that goal.

And now, I'm at that film school, I've achieved that goal, and now it's just life. I just go to school, go to work, eat filth, and don't shower until I have to be perceived.

I wonder if these slumps existed before I was eighteen. If that's why I took my first drag of a cigarette at thirteen. If that's why I first stole a crappy seltzer from my mom at fourteen. If that's why I first coughed marijuana from my lungs at fifteen.

I no longer smoke weed, having stopped when I was about seventeen, and, though it may sound like it, I don't drink often. I like to drink socially, but the thought of drinking alone is boring. The cans on my floor are from weeks of long shifts at work.

I confided in a friend of mine recently that I want to go to therapy. Therapy costs money, money I do not have when I am living paycheck to paycheck. But, hopefully in the near future, I can take that step. I'm an open book, really, and I love talking to people.

I've been thinking about my grandma a lot recently. My dad's mom. She passed away when I was five. I only have one memory of her face, and the memories of my father's face when talking about her. I think about how my dad was barely an adult when he lost his mom, only thirty-five, when there was still so much more he needed from her. Cancer is a fucking mess, I suppose.

I also think about he was only a little bit older than I am now when he lost his own father. A good for nothing, angry drunk, but still his father. How, among the myriad of shitty stories I've been told, my dad still thinks so highly of his own father. Idolizes him, loves him, despite the bullshit.

I wonder if my dad looks at my mom's parents and feels a pang of jealousy. Still alive, still healthy, not miserable drunks doomed to cancer or psychiatries. Jealous that my mom's family, for all of the assholes and strange people, is massive, when my dad has very little.

My mom with too many brothers and sisters to remember the names of, and my father with his two sisters, and newly found half-brother. I think it meant a lot to my dad to find his family growing. It's only been a few years since he's known his half-brother, and it's only been a few times I've seen my half-uncle, but a little bit of light comes back to my dad's eyes when he's around. A light that fizzled when his mom died.

The same light that re-entered when his long-divided cousin and him got back into contact. Once again, cancer is a fucking mess-

...

I think I'll have to come back to this. I'm pretty sure something just dropped into my tub, like an alive thing.

At first I thought it was just one of my neighbors when I heard something fall behind the wall, and then I heard the unmistakable sound of something clawing at ceramic.

I went to go investigate, thought I saw something move in the darkness of my bathroom, and promptly slammed the door closed.

I need to ready myself before I can check it out. Maybe it's a rat, or a pigeon, or maybe I just need to go to sleep.

-PCD

[kravitzkrusher]

Idk i don't do well with the whole "the pandemic affected everyone and the entire world suffered" because yes. Sure. Everyone for the most part stayed inside for a couple weeks. But the pandemic DECIMATED the lifestyles of so many people in some ways that just straight up didn't happen to others.

The millions of people who died or lost family members to COVID.

The cost of food and housing became too much for most families and now over 60% of American kids live in poverty and are also food insecure.

Kids who went to middle/high school during the pandemic and had to be stuck inside with their parents 24/7 while abuse rates skyrocketed. On top of literally getting their asses beat every day, they missed their prom/homecoming/graduation/first date/first school sports game ALL OF THAT NORMAL BASIC TEENAGE LIFE was gone. And they're in their 20s now without any of those core memories.

The younger kids whose parents didn't teach them the basics because they were too busy. The kids who can't read in the 6th grade. The kids who were raised by Andrew Tate and Sexxy Red because once again, their parents are too busy and for whatever reason couldn't be bothered.

The wives who left their husbands in DROVES making this one of the biggest mass exodus of marriage.

The Only Fans girlies who made a couple good paychecks before their job got oversaturated with celebrities and now their nudes are online forever for like $2.

The immunocompromised who never got their lives back.

The people who bought NFTs and lost all their money.

The people who worked with anti maskers and anti vaxxers and had to work in unsafe environments, risking their lives

The people who got long COVID and are permanently disabled with no resources to help them

The essential workers doctors/grocery/dentist/delivery that never took a break from work and never stayed home and never "experienced the bitter lonely solitude of the pandemic that everyone went through". because they HAD to be close asf to people every single day and work their asses off so we literally DIDN'T ALL DIE off in 2020.

The people who got kicked out of their homes, Mary!! The people who became homeless!! Because they lost their jobs and couldn't pay rent! And the landlords didn't care!

I could go on. But the fact of the matter is the pandemic did NOT affect us all the same.

We all struggled yes but in completely different ways. Some more than others. I was lucky enough to be a grown single adult at the time, so kids or spouse was stressing me out, but I very much lost my home and was forced to sleep on an antivaxxers couch for six months until I could afford housing again. I very much did have an abuser reach out to me trying to use the deathfear of this pandemic to get me back in their clutches. I have had people wave life saving money in front of my face, trying to lure me to do all kinds of horrible degrading shit. Everyone didn't go through that. It would be dumb of me to assume other people struggled the way I did.

Yes, this pandemic traumatized everyone but please. Ellen Degenerate was not suffering. Elon Musk was not suffering. Dwayne the Rock Johnson was not suffering. I'm not saying some people did not go through shit but by June 2020 some of y'all were still in your house, still making money, still taking care of business, and still healthy. And that is SO FUCKING MUCH to take for granted especially in the year 2024 after successfully living through a world bending nightmare.

The pandemic did affect everyone. But not everyone suffered.

[winterswhite]

Personal rant, CW for talks of blood and medical stuff

The past 5 days have really been so much for me and it... seriously doesn't feel like only 5 days at all with how much has gone on

On Wednesday evening I got home from work feeling extremely weak after telling my QPP repeatedly that I don't feel good, and after I was no longer able to hold my head up or open my eyes without extreme effort my roommate took me to the emergency room where we waited 9ish hours for me to even be taken to a bed and then one or two more to be seen

When they did get there, they said they needed to take blood, give me an IV, do chest x-rays, and a few other tests (I think they tested me for a stroke too) because clearly a lot was wrong

The nurse tried to put the IV in my left arm and then my hand, failing both times because she couldn't find a vein. She then called over a second nurse, who said since I had already been poked twice, she wasn't going to poke me unless she was sure she had one

She left without poking me.

She called over a doctor to come with a whole ass ultrasound setup to use that to find a vein, and they only found a suitable one in my upper right arm, meaning I had to hold it up at an uncomfortable angle the entire time and because of where it was, it also hurt the entire time (only a little, but still)

They also interrupted it in the middle to take more blood ("well that can't be good")

Also, while they were putting the IV in, I remember them struggling to reach the vein, and the pain from them wiggling it around trying to reach my difficult ass vein, and then hearing "how attached are you to this sweatshirt?"

I had... bled all over it (fortunately they stopped the bleeding pretty fast, very different from my last experience with an IV where I nearly bled out on the hospital floor)

Anyway, after wanting to cry from how uncomfortable the whole experience was but eventually managing to sleep through the last half hour of it, they told me about my bloodwork, and a lot is wrong! Some of the things that have always been wrong with me, and some new things, like low thyroid and low potassium, low sodium etc

They scheduled me for a follow-up appointment in a week and I leave, it is now Thursday morning

I picked up the meds they prescribed me and got home around noon, exhausted from not having slept all night, and napped

Only to wake up to a terrible toothache out nowhere, that at its worst was so bad I couldn't lift a finger

I ran to the dentist but they were closing by the time I got there and told me to come back the next morning

I did, and they said I need an emergency root canal, but that it would be hard to find any endodontists who take my insurance, which... yeah, it proved to be impossible

So now, today, I'm scheduled for the root canal, and I have to pay for the whole $1500 out of pocket

Which I haven't reached, but... I'll have to see what I can manage now

Also, through all of this, my workplace is telling me it's "unacceptable" not to show up to work because they're short-staffed. As if I wasn't stuck in the fucking hospital. I worried about getting fired, because I need that money to pay for the fucking root canal and I hadn't even received my first paycheck, so I went in to work yesterday, but wasn't able to finish a full day of work because I felt like Shit

They still told me they need a doctor's note specifically stating that I can't work for x number of days (even though I gave them my emergency room discharge papers to prove I was unwell) before they could believe that I was actually not feeling well enough to work

So I guess I'm going to ask the fucking endodontist for one

And this cuts into my funds for my trip to take the JLPT and some other things in June, which I also really need so I can get a better job. It is absolutely necessary that I take this trip, but I'll no longer have the money for it yet, and travel costs only go up as you get closer to the date of, so lol.

Anyway. It has not even been 5 full days since I first went to the ER. I need a fucking break.

[collectionbelladonna]

one day at a time.

I know what I have to do to turn my life around. I know that I'll have to make sacrifices and I'm willing to do so, I just wish it didn't feel like I'm scraping my way into a black hole. I owe so much money it's painful. I'm not out of any of my debt and I'm accruing interest like no one's business. It really sucks when I can't afford to do anything I want to do, or anything I planned to do. I'm trying to make some money on the side but it's slow going. I've only ever sold three paintings in my life and this one (while worth the most) is being sold to my sister. I fear she won't actually pay for the painting and will want is as a gift. I'm going to charge $300 for it. I'm spending a lot of time and a lot of effort on this thing when I also have a dozen other projects I'm intending to work on.

Suffice to say, I have a lot of work to do. I plan on doing a no-spend month. Starting yesterday, I am not going to spend a single dollar that isn't extremely essential. Namely, gas. I am not going to drive anywhere except work for the next two weeks. I have faked being sick the last couple of days to avoid having to drive anywhere. My car needs gas desperately and I have some cash to cover it, but only it. I can't afford anything other than gas right now. Until I get paid again on the 21st, I'm shit out of luck. And I refuse to ask Hutch for more help. He's already paid my car insurance (which I thankfully cut in half earlier this month), but I do not want him to pay for anything else if I can avoid it. I already life for free under this roof. I pay for my bills and little else. I've been the one who's decorated our apartment, and I pay for majority of the TV subscriptions we use on a regular basis, but other than that I don't pay for anything. Rent, utilities, groceries (most of the time) are completely covered by Hutch. And it sucks when I'm left feeling like I can't do anything but pay for bills. I need to start saving my money. As soon as this next paycheck comes through, I'm paying for my government loan, and putting $300 into my savings. Every second paycheck I think I can do that. Logically, I should have around $975 left over once all bills and expected expenses go through. So where has that money gone? Well, I was atrocious in August. I spent so far over my means it's actually embarrassing. Now my credit card is maxed out, I'm late on one loan, and I'm barely scraping by for this month. I am paying for my recklessness. I shouldn't have flown to Louisiana. I shouldn't have splurged so much on coffee. I also shouldn't have spent so much on supplies for the Renaissance fair costume I'm making for Hutch (which I have yet to start, btw.) I made such poor decisions that I am suffering now because of them.

So, to combat this, I've decided to do a no-spend month this month. Which means what isn't already allocated for bills and/or the single going-out day I have planned, I am not spending a dime. I've unsubscribed to most of the subscriptions I had. I am not planning on going anywhere but work. I have to get my car inspected and renew my registration, but other than that, I'm doing *nothing*. I'm not paying for coffee, I'm not going to Walmart or Target unnecessarily, I'm not going to Adele's every other weekend like I used to (only to spend so much money in gas and food), and I'm certainly not going to do any online shopping. No Amazon, no app purchases, nothing. I am going to fix this situation if it's the last thing I do. I have to be more disciplined if we ever expect to move in a house or if I expect to be able to take care of myself without needlessly needing Hutch's financial help.

I can do this. Honestly I need to. I don't have much choice in the matter because my entire situation has been nothing short of embarrassing for years. And it ends now. It ends with me saying enough. It ends with me finally seeing the light that I can live a good and fulfilling life without all the extra crap in the way. I can do this.

[imarawbu]

Not a lot has happened but at the same time alot has happened.

I will probably no longer have much of a job after this month. I have the option to go back in person or finish off my project part time, which will be like 12 hours a week of work. If I go to work in person I have to start the divorce and somehow find childcare for my daughter which will take an entire paycheck of mine a month. If I lose this job I will be trapped and have literally no way out. My husband has been wanting to force me to quit since he knows this is my way out, just find a second job and I would be able to handle the mortgage and expenses on my own.

My plans and ability to leave is gone now.

We will be going to his country for three weeks, I will still have to work from there. I don't anticipate this to be a fin trip. I will get to do umrah which will probably be the only one I will ever get to do in my life.

I got permission to buy the stuff for my daughter's room which seems counter intuitive because we may not be living here much longer. I bought everything before I found out I am going to lose my job. I hope she will get to have some memories here at least.

Eid was very lonely. I got a lecture on how I have ruined everyone's life because I told "family stuff" to a few friends. Now I have no friends and nobody to invite Eid as a result. I made 5 lbs of a certain dish, which he says I did wrong- because he interfered and messed one part up. Nothing else that day.

Lastly his mask came off over nothing, of course. I asked him to be quiet because my daughter was finally asleep, he doesn't care and will continue to make whatever noise and then say he is "trying." I asked him very politely, "please be quiet multiple times." He eventually came storming and woke her up to yell at me, grabbed my arm and throat as well- no marks though. He has at least stopped with the constant threats and insults since he knows I have him on tape now.

The newest thing though, it looks like F's wife was trying to get me to meet with them under the guise of getting qurbani today. She messaged me and asked specifically if I could get it today or tomorrow and they didn't want to bring it to us because it might spoil. Yeah, I knew immediately what she was trying to do but now that I am completely cut off, I will not get permission to go by myself and if I hide this my husband will accuse me of trying to meet someone. I told her my husband would get it and he agreed to get it. I've not heard anything since and I don't really want to talk to them anyways because I know F sent that cruel message to me. Why all of a sudden are they trying to get me alone and suddenly care about the situation- a month later. I know one of my friends who immediately knew who I was talking about the one time I spoke to her after I announced this and mentioned the message. She met with them on Eid and they had dinner someplace together. Maybe she talked to one or both of them or something. She's also not talked with me since the day I met her and another friend either and she's made no attempt to reach out through other outlets other than text which is monitored. So idk with her. Either she's been busy or doesn't want any part in this because she is friends with my husband too and was actually the one who introduced us originally. She's been very supportive in the past when things have been really bad for me. But now I've not even heard from her in a month and I can't ask her anything unless she messages me through an unmonitored app, which she's not tried to do although she originally suggested the one I've been using. Idk.

Nothing really matters at this point.

I really want to talk to people but there's not much to actually say or people will become concerned or I will say too much about my marriage that may not be appropriate. If someone reaches out, I might tell them and two friends who follow the temporary account I made, get updates like I give here.

[kyetalksshit]

I'm actually so weirded out but struggling to figure out if this is an opportunity for me??

I've been so tuned in with my spirit team lately and was trying to get my car situation settled without a gap in having a car. I need to renew my license but in nc because it's a California license, and then get a new car from a dealership across the street from my job. I was then gonna let my car loan company repo their car. It was supposed to be nice and smooth right?

Well on Tuesday night I went to go visit my friend Jen for the first time in months, at her new apartment in high point. We did some INTENSE spellwork and I called in some favors, including the car situation.

And then on Wednesday, we left the apartment at 330pm so I could take her to work and head home (and renew my license the NEXT DAY on Thursday), but my car was just Gone.

It was a mess - I was simultaneously having a panic attack and feeling a bubble of calm in my gut. I was flabbergasted at the timing - right after successful spellwork (we checked in on the energies and everything went great so???) and the ONE DAY I was almost 3 hours from home. 😭 I thought it was stolen at first, filed a report, etc but found out on Thursday it was repossessed. How they found me I'm not sure, the insurance lady said sometimes they'll contract out tow trucks to just drive around and pick up whatever cars they can find on their roster so it may have been that. But again such crazy timing.

My friend Remi came and picked me up which almost made me cry lol and we ate at Jen's bar before heading home.

Anyway, I wasn't able to get my license renewed on Thursday because I couldn't get there until like 130pm after all the phone calls and stuff, and the dmv had no availability. So I'm going to go on Monday morning before work and pray to my gods that it works out.

I also asked for money, for my taxes to come back early so I don't have to wait until next Friday (my next paycheck), and straight up 10 minutes later it showed up in my bank account. My friend sent me $100 completely unprompted????? I cashed out $25 from a site that usually takes the full 5 business days and it was in my account in 30 minutes????

So as long as I get my license on Monday (because it's illegal to drive on an expired license and also I assumed you needed a VALID license to buy a car), the plan is to drive straight to the car lot across from work and pick up a car. There are a few there for $500 down and they don't check credit and repos are ok so it will work out. I've also heard good things about that place from the people at my job who have gotten cars with them.

But now my roommate?? Who is a used car dealer (with admittedly mixed reviews on Facebook marketplace at least) is so?? Frantic to help me??? He wants to find a car at an auction for like 2K for me, take the 500 down, and charge me 100 a week until it's paid off. And he keeps saying "you live with me, I'm not gonna sell you a car that doesn't run".

And I'm just so confused and conflicted because like. My team WOULD do something like this lmao but at the same time I cannot stand him??? He's a terrible roommate and keeps the place so disgusting that I bought a mini fridge and microwave so my "kitchen" is entirely in my room. I only go downstairs (where he is 24/7) to take my dog outside or to leave the house. He's loud, he's messy, he complains about tufts of my dog's hair building up over the course of a week but leaves literal garbage all over the floor and has been sleeping in the living room even though he has a bedroom with a whole bed?? I've slung some evil eye his way (mostly not on purpose but he's pissed me off countless times in just the 2 months I've been here, and the only times I've slung any on purpose it was to get him to take his company outside or to be quiet) and want to move out as soon as my car situation is settled. But also he doesn't want to charge me interest because apparently it's against his religion?? So it would be paid off in like 3 months-ish and then I wouldn't have to worry about a repo again? And it IS weirdly serendipitous that he owns a car dealership.

The problem is that my personal issues with him and disdain for seeing him at all means that I'd rather not have any ties to him and I immediately was like fuck no. But on the other hand it WOULD be a good deal honestly as long as the car was actually decent. So idfk man.

Time for divination I guess? I told him I need to talk to my parents about it but I've been soured against my parents for the moment tbh lol so what I really meant was "let me talk to my gods (two of who DO assume parental roles hahaha so ig it's not that far off) and my friends and my tarot cards" lol

[ohayopoko]

LETS FUCKING STRIKE. OCTOBER 15TH, 2021 LETS FUCKING GO!

Do you work for $15 an hour w shitty 30 minute breaks, no healthcare or benefits and an absurd amount of taxes being deducted from your meager paycheck? Do you get depressed because you have to work? Do you stop taking care of yourself because you have to work? Do you stop indulging in your passions, your family, your happiness because you have to work? For a shitty $15 an hour at that? We as the working class hold all the power, we MAKE OR BREAK this economy! The rich are %1 and we are the %99, we hold power in our numbers, just like how they hold power in the money we slave away to make for them!

I have over 1,000 followers on this platform and I wanna use my voice to FUCK CAPITALISM IN THE ASS! Quite literally!

WHY STRIKE?

Hold on let me give you some fucking reasons👏🏾

-WE ARE LITERALLY BEING UNDERPAID FOR OUR LABOR! Labor that fucks with our mental health, our physical, emotional health and our happiness!

-Minimum wage is meant to support a family, it was literally designed for a person to be able to own a home, have a family and pay their way through college and granted it DID serve that purpose for a time BUT the government inflated prices, THEY RAISED THE PRICES OF LIVING WITHOUT RAISING THE MINIMUM WAGE AND THATS BULLSHIT

-DOES ANYBODY ELSE NOT SEE SOMETHING DEATHLY WRONG WITH WORKING 5 or shit 7 DAYS A WEEK FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES JUST TO BE ABLE TO SURVIVE? NOBODY?!

-THE GOVERNMENT WAS BUILT TO SERVE THE PEOPLE AND ITS NOT, IT HASNT, NOT IN A VERY LONG TIME

-THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WOULDNT EVEN LET US FULLY QUARANTINE BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING *Doofy voice* eCoNOmY *Doofy voice again*

-THEY WERE WILLING TO LET US DIE TO KEEP MONEY IN THEIR POCKETS AND MOST OF US HAD NO CHOICE, I was a frontline worker the ENTIRE pandemic because I had no choice

-I WAS RISKING MY LIFE TO MAKE MONEY TO SURVIVE BECAUSE I HAD NO CHOICE!

-We are literally trading our precious time here on earth, in this world for MONEY! MONEY! A MAN MADE PIECE OF PAPER, A MAN MADE CONCEPT W NO VALUE! The only value we have for money is because we need it to survive, we need it for water we need it for food we need it for fucking air and that’s not right, that’s not right at all!

-AND I BELIEVE IF WE HAVE TO “NEED” IT, IF WE HAVE TO TRADE OUR LIVES AWAY FOR MONEY, WE SHOULD BE GETTING PAID FAIRLY,

-YOU WOULD NOT SELL UR PUSSY (or dick I don’t judge) for $15 an hour to a complete stranger, SO WHY SELL YOUR LIFE? YOUR TIME? YOUR FREEDOM? AND STILL GET SHITTY PAY?

-TUHH, babyyyyyyyy, ima need u to gone head and support this strike cause things have to change! 😮‍💨❤️

SHIT YOU STILL ARENT CONVINCED TO STRIKE? HERE ARE SOME MORE FACTS, BITCH, STOP BEING A PUSSY AND HELP ME MAKE A BETTER TOMORROW FOR OUR CHILDREN!🤬

The U.S. Government is not serving its people

The United States is the only developed country that requires zero paid time off for maternity leave (2)

Unemployment rose to 14% in 2021 because companies refused to raise wages (3)

Only 100 corporations are responsible for 71% of all global carbon emissions (4)

Federal Minimum wage hasn't been raised since 2009 (5)

40 million Americans live at, or below the national poverty line (6)

Pharmaceutical companies are extorting patients for medications (7)

And the average American is $90,460 in debt just to afford basic necessities like housing, food, clothes, education, and medical bills (8)

(((these facts are from the October strike website and I strongly urge you all to participate!)))

PLEASE I URGE ALL 1,187 OF YOU TO REPOST! SHARE! SPREAD THE WORD! BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY AN ORGINIZED STRIKE WILL MAKE THE CAPTIALIST FUCKERS QUAKE IN THEIR BOOTS AND LISTEN TO OUR DEMANDS IS IF WE STRIKE IN NUMBERS! WE, THE WORKING CLASS, HOLD POWER IN OUR NUMBERS! If we ALL STRIKE THEY CANT FIRE US ALL, FOR ONCE WE’L BE ABLE TO MAKE THE DEMANDS! Come on! If we’re going to be made to work until we die we might as well be paid our fucking worth! 👏🏾