#my emotions at home w everyone
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Mom said the group therapist wants to see me and my sister soon and uhhhh currently having a slight breakdown about it :)
#I'm pissed at her (and I know it doesn't make sense but) bc i have never in my life been made to feel like i can sincerely talk about#my emotions at home w everyone#Idc that i KNOW my mom always wanted me to. I know!!! But that doesn't take away the fact that I still didn't feel like i could#And now she is trying to fix it and I'm honestly angry that she wants me to go to group therapy w her#Bc I'm like BITCH ITS YOUR JOB TO BE MY MOM WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST DO THE JOB OF EMOTIONALLY RAISING ME#And now i have to fucking show up and probably once fucking more be the bigger person???? Be the emotionally mature one#Pick and choose my words so I don't hurt her feelings#I don't fucking want that!!!!!#Also i think i could handle group therapy w one family member at a time#But EVERYONE AT THE SAME TIME??? The thought alone sends me into a bone deep panic#Like kicking screaming crying hyperventiling type of panic I really don't fucking want to it frightens me to my core#Like it makes me uhhhhh get urges to hurt myself. The 13 year old in me pops back up like I really don't fucking want that#Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#I am for sure gonna go for a one on one w the therapist and for sure w my sister#Bc honestly I wanna do this for her#But (and I love mom so dearly but) mom can kinda choke on it I can't lie.#This last year I was fucking raising mom's inner child until I realised what the fuck was happening and I set boundaries#But like I don't wanna tread that line again#I can't be the grown up for her I can't but I also can't hurt her#Therapy
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Physically I'm here but mentally I'm clawing the eyes out of everyone who talks crap about their children on the internet and posts them in their most vulnerable moments for clout
#i just saw a video of a like eleven or twelve year old girl approach her mom's car when she got home from work and without even saying hello#to her kid she yelled at her to go inside so she could talk to her husband first and then shouted at the kid when she said her dad put her#through hell that day. is she probably overreacting bc shes a kid and she doesnt have get emotional regulation yet? absolutely. but also?#as the kid who knew that if i didnt get to my mom with my side of things first that my dad would twist things to make himself look like the#victim in a situation i promise you that baby girl isnt feeling heard and that would be sucky but normal on its own. the type of thing#families work through together yknow? but to post that on the internet??? to be recording when you come home knoeing there are problems in#your house and wanting to put online forever a moment in time where there are really strained relationships among members of your family??#especially when it's the relationship btwn your husband and your child??? nope. im sorry. uh uh.#that kid deserves better than that. your husband deserves better than that. everyone deserves better than to have their really vulnerable#moments shared on the internet with strangers#like. i think about how i felt as a kid when i found out my parents had told a relative something i considered private. how embarrassed and#betrayed i felt. the thought that EVERYONE would see that instead of just my dad's relatives or w/e?#bby girl im incandescent with rage#anyway#lilac rambles
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Before I went to bed I saw the Youtube notif that TADC was going to Netflix and it INVADED my dreams so vividly I have not had such an episodic sequential serialized cohesive dream in months it was literally its own chapter its own short story
#I was Pomni it was literally Pomni POV#Caine had cooked up some sporty adventure and I was like Ummm...... no#So I found a glitch where I could hide in a technically out-of-bounds area#I had a theory that if I stayed super close to the ground I wouldn't be in the range of Caine's mod powers or whatever#Some random girl was w me I don't think she was important#Anyways I started thinking “This could hurt. When they leave#the map will not have to exist.”#I'd be crushed by the nonexistence of the area I'm in. When they come back I'll load in somewhere slightly different#and be stuck in the walls."#DIDN'T HAPPEN everything was OK#But at some point I was like man... sure is boring and scary. Sure wish my friends were here.#So I ended up finding them anyway LMAO#I told them what happened cuz they were obviously concerned and Caine got his feelings hurt???#Like. surprising moment of clarity. Everyone was shocked and uncomfortable.#Bro was like “I try so hard for U guys 🥺 I just don't get it. Why didn't you just tell me you wanted to stay home??”#Most everyone was like IDC UR OUR JAILER!! CRY ABT IT!! but me and Ragatha were coerced into pity...#Like yeah whatever. Sorry man. I'll be honest next time and not do things that could make me die. I think we were just caught off-guard.#Exchanging glances like “Wow... didn't know he could feel anything!” Like imagine if ur Furby just had an emotional outburst#and felt remorse abt it. WYD.#I think we held his hands or sum cuz all my dreams end like a Barbie movie#Episode ended and I was like Wow :) Great show#Sorta off-topic but the cafeteria today started playing very quiet carnival music for Hoco and I literally felt chills up my back cuz#I had been thinking abt Pommy all day...#I used to be enraptured by clown motif what happened#Did I throw it up#For the best...... for the best.
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Ngl I'm kind of dillydallying around my own SDV fixation and i'd KILL to see what your brain is doing to this game like i for one would eat up dat stuff UP . . .
I love the way this is phrased; genuinely 😭💖 like im a force of nature tearing through any new interest like its made of wet tissue paper 💥💥💥
I thought about it some more and i will (eventually) make an sdv blog. Its going to be a mess having all my interests on one dashboard (im lazy and i dont want to sign in and out all the time for diff accounts lol) but i need sdv stuff in sight or ill explode. For now tho i will ramble about random hcs rattling around in my brain
- The valley is FULL of magic, but not alot of Magical Beings that utilize that magic. If the residents of pelican town knew more about magic, there would be alot more wizards than just. The Wizard.
- Everyone in pelican town has some kind of latent magic, or at the very least, an affinity or sensitivity to magic. I like to think that magic builds in very secluded corners of their world and the area including (and surrounding) pelican town is simply one of those places.
-(sorry, i am just obsessed with Places and Magic) I like the idea of your farmer being drawn to pelican town bc they have a bit of magic in them. The letter is just A Letter, but it is the desire to see this town that makes them leave their old life behind. I am obsessed w the idea that the magic in the farmer craves the valley bc it sees the valley as its home, and by extension, the farmer sees the valley as their home. The people of pelican town rarely leave bc the magic in them sees the valley as their home always. The biggest examples of this are Kent, Demetrius, Evelyn, Emily and Shane. The huge exceptions to this (still workin on it) are lewis and sebastian; lewis bc i see him as a normal, non-magical being trying to wrangle the weirdness of this town, and sebastian bc his feelings of isolation and not being understood propels him to crave the world outside of the valley. (That changes a bit if u befriend him/romance him)
-(shane is weird bc hes super depressed and lonely but his happiness comes from his new ‘ragtag family’ (his words) and his very Not Normal chickens. The animals of the valley love him bc he loves them and he becomes tied to the valley bc of it. Marnie has always loved the animals of the valley and some of the love they had for her definitely rubbed off onto shane, who very openly admits he loves the chickens 💙)
-I wasnt very fond of the idea of purple=magic but i think that was bc i often saw it as a way to tie-in the wizard and abigail. I am still trying to get through the friendships for everyone but rn it doesnt feel like theres any connection between them (and caroline). But. I do like the idea of odd, unnatural colors coming through bc of magic. Alex and Pierre having normal brown hair; Haley and Sam being true blondes. BUT. Shane and Jas having purple-ish hair. Emily and Caroline have blue toned hair. Even vincent have pinkish hair 🥺💖 (and dare i say….sebastian with purple/black hair like shane 👀…maybe he has more magic in him than hed like to believe). Abigail doesnt count bc from what ive seen, Caroline laments about her daughters dyed hair. “When she was younger it used to be chestnut brown” which…awww she took after her dad lol.
- LAST THING. This is not an hc i am just mad about this. I cannot believe the game doesnt allow u to befriend Marlon. What the fuck. What the fuck !!! I love him!!! I want to be friends w the chill monster slayer! Im a monster slayer too!!! Let me give him gifts !!! Fuck ! 😭😭😭💥💥💥💥 Also. I know how to write old man yaoi. They shouldve let me do a romance path for willy, clint and marlon. And the wizard i guess but someone already did that. Linus doesnt count bc hes ascended the need for human romance; hes one w nature (read. aroace). And we (linus and willy and the farmer) already co-raise leo so that counts for something i think 🤔
#answered#chattin#sdv#sorry that 80% of this was about the fucking Town#but i am obsessed w Places that Feel#Magic that Feels#wants and craves and breathes with emotion#you come to the valley bc the magic in you misses home#the valley calls for you bc she misses you#not just the magic but the person who has kept this magic safe and warm#the valley knows when to let go. but it also knows when to reach out and bring you back#everyones got little tethers on them. she wonders what everyone is up to#the farmer wants something beyond this desk and she gives a little tug#she hums along the tether to kent and its funny; she doesnt need to pull at all; he comes back as soon as hes able#sebastian wants to see whats out there; find his purpose; and she unravels the tether as much as he needs it to be#anyway hi. welcome to my destroyed whirlwind room of a brain#this doesnt scratch like. the wildlife of the valley. the magic in the farm and crops. the seasons#the moonlight jellies (and how u can see them in fern island sometimes)#lewis and his many many crimes (read. he is wack and i hate him)#the emily/shane friends w benefits agenda i have going on (and harvey/elliot ship that i love so dearly)#and the jodi/kent/caroline polycule u didnt think u needed until i said it just now#i have like. too many thots. its literally consuming brain. i fall asleep thinking of this fucking game#and the version of it that exists in my head rentfree LMAO
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I feel like certain people on Tumblr have really been fighting for backwards progress when it comes to how we talk about mental illness and abuse. I see posts at least several times a week on my dash that seem to have the purpose of implying people with insert-mental-illness and/or insert-symptom are not abusive when they do insert-action-that-makes-people-uncomfortable, often times meaning to promote a more positive image of people with particularly stigmatized conditions, like personality disorders, mood disorders, psychosis, addiction, or neurodivergence. And I really really hate it because these posts almost always have the ultimate purpose of telling people not just "This thing is not inherently abusive," but often it comes across as "You were not abused."
I just find that to be really unhelpful and unintentionally hurtful, and for what? I believe that destigmatizing various mental conditions is a worthy cause, but at the same time this type of rhetoric seems to be so protective of people in whichever stigmatized group they're trying to advocate for, that it comes back around to a sort of respectability politics. Anybody can be an abuser. And someone's means and methods of abusing can very much be influenced by a condition they have. Why wouldn't it be? Their conditions will affect every aspect of their life and their interpersonal relationships. Especially if these issues are going untreated or being insufficiently managed. I don't understand why anyone would want to make it appear as if abusers are mostly neurotypical and mentally well people, or that if they aren't, then their conditions have nothing to do with it and the overlap is merely incidental. What? It makes it so hard for anyone who is a victim to come to terms and identify the dynamics of what they've gone through.
Addicts and mentally ill people don't have to be unproblematic in order to be humanized and accepted. And nobody profits from writing hard and fast rules about how abuse apparently works, drawing clear lines between which behaviors can, and cannot, ever be abuse.
#tales from diana#making unrebloggable bc i can't handle the discourse on this topic#my own experience with being abused and taken advantage of by someone who almost CERTAINLY had npd... just kinda breaks me#when i see this and it's like making it out to be 'everyone who says they suffered from narcissistic abuse is lying#or misunderstanding what narcissism is because ppl w npd would NEVER do this'#i can see that it's a highly stigmatized term and i don't want to act like an expert on what ppl w the condition go through#but i can tell you i felt deep sympathy for this man for a long time. i felt pity for all he'd gone through. but he'd just lay on the guilt#for every little thing i did that ever displeased him for any reason. he just degraded and disrespected me. and USED me#he used me for money for attention for CONSTANT attention oh my god#he wouldn't even let me go to sleep sometimes before 3 am. and he stole so much money from me#he put me in physical danger. he gossiped about me to all my friends when i was starting to distance myself#before i even came to terms with just how toxic he was to me.#and every time i just wanted to go somewhere wo him or even just stay at home by myself#it was about HIM. it was about how HE felt about it. he had ZERO sympathy for me and i handled all his emotional labor#this man couldn't even think for himself. he brought all his problems to me for me to sort through bc he was so inept and shallow#he was lazy he was careless he didn't listen to ppl he was casually rude#i didn't allow myself to accept these parts of him bc of all he suffered through i felt like he was just a sad little boy#who never learned manners or etiquette or. just. respect#basic respect. as much as i outlined what i wasn't ok w and what hurt me. it didn't matter to him#and NONE of these things are inherently the things that make me think he has npd#his actual suffering and the things i felt bad for him about were very real and severe#but i know what happened between us and i know he was abusive to me. the ppl writing these posts do not.#to say that someone has been abusive in an interpersonal relationship should be something we should be able to respect#and give ppl the benefit of the doubt. and victims may OFTEN not be well-informed about their own abusers' issues#but ppl can just know whether or not they were abused. regardless of if they fully grasp the why and how#if victims say something problematic or paint w a broad brush talking abt ppl who have something in common w their abuser#we should still correct that gently and kindly and not dismiss their experience outright#like i can't believe i have to say that. but i've seen some seriously upsetting posts on here recently.
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Hm.
#had a dream about ex-besties again#and when I said ‘I’m sorry hearing briefly about the ab*se I was being subjected to at home and my parent’s su*cide attempts were so#annoying and boring for you. you were my only people I could trust#to open up to in the moment while I was panicking and having to very much#confront the fact that my parent was going to die.#but I’m sorry it was irritating or whatever.’#I was so right#I know friends do not exist as therapists but#I do not see how you can be all ‘oh my guy that’s awful but this this and this are ab*sive behaviours. you act this was because you are#traumatised here read this yeah yeah we need to get you out of there yeah’#one day and then the next just#cut me out like I’m some sort of cancer#if at any point they’d said hey I don’t have the emotional bandwidth rn I’m sorry#I’d have been so understanding and shut the fuck up#genuinely! I get it!#but I don’t see how you can have a friend#who is going through so much and none of it is under their control#who still manages to be there for everyone else when they’re having problems at home including you#who just once every few months needs to go ‘oh shit I need someone to talk to if you’re not busy rn/if you can deal w that atm’ in a LITERAL#CRISIS where they have no one else to lean on#and who will need support if they’re going to eventually leave home#and go ‘meh whatever I’m going to end the friendship in the worst and most damaging way I can think of lol’????#like?? everyone else around me is like oh just move on move on#but I’m just going over and over it in my head#How can you know the wounds and then drive the knife in anyway?#I don’t think people understand like I don’t let anyone close because this is what happens#and so to trust#more than you’ve ever trusted anyone ever#and have them suddenly disappear? without a word?
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me when i realize that pretty much everything in my life has actually only gotten worse since i graduated highschool, and all the times i was told things would get better were absolutely false !!!!!!
#i am going fucking insane. this is so stupid#i had a social life. i had friends. i had a job i could keep up with outside of school. i had a solid routine and schedule.#i had insurance. i didnt have to worry about money. i didnt have to buy groceries. i didnt have to cook every day.#i had enjoyable group activities. i had ppl telling me i was doing a good job. i had AUTHORITY FIGURES telling me i was doing a good job!!!!#i had a place to go to be away from home every weekday!! i had hope for the future still to some extent (not a lot but more than i do now)!#I DONT HAVE ANYYYY OF THAT NOW. I do have friends but not in-person!!! zero social life except hospital out-patient bullshit!!!#anyways the highschool is doing one of my fav musicals that i came THIS CLOSE to doing my grad year#but the vote was indecisive so they did some bullshit that nobody was happy with lmfao#i fucking petitioned hard. lobbied HARD. to get us to do that musical. i worked so hard to get everyone on board#but everyone was just waffling about it. and then we ended up w smth that nobody was happy with#AND NOW THIS YEAR. THEYRE DOING THAT FUCKING MUSICAL. THAT HURTS. LIKE A LOT. A LOT A LOT.#like to the point where i have now genuinely cried after hearing that theyre doing it#that was my one fucking chance in highschool to be part of a musical i actually cared about and enjoyed and i lost it#i had watched my brothers be in these fun musicals when they were in school but for my three years I got NOTHINGGG#it hurts so fucking bad. i had been looking forward to that ever since we moved to this town. and then i got fucking nothing.#and now that im out of there and realizing how my life is absolutely fucked and i have to kill myself then they finally do it.#gallons of salt in the big fat gaping wound. insane.#genuinely feeling kind of shocked. how the hell do things line up so perfectly to hurt me this badly so often fjfkfl#maybe im just fucking pathetic and overly emotional idk victim complex or smth awful#i just kind of want to be done like right now. but i have to wait at least a month before i call it quits so i dont wreck this time of year#for my family for the rest of their lives lmfao#my siblings and dad dont deserve that. my mother probably does but whatever#im tired!!! im fucking exhausted!!! this sucks so incredibly badly!!!#suicide tw
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look at my bug look at centi ⬅️toyhouse page
i aant to slap more of him here i mostly ramble about him to my friends. he is my chainsawman oc he is the crntipede devil and he is a silly little cartoonishly evil yet genuinely murderous and vengeful ancient bug beast who has been around since humans first feared centipedes. he is a quite silly rapscallion who uses whatever prnouns and has no gender but mostly uses he/they/it. neopronouns r also awesome but he genuinely doesnt know what a prnouns is
its been around for ages and used to be rlly strong and monsterous but over time it got a little weaker but still kept that giant ego and its love for hunting humans n watching them fear him. except now in the face of more threatening devils like gun devil and shit hes more regarded as a pest or nuisance rather than a catastrophe. hes kinda like a roach in which hes hard to kill bc the moment hes teetering he skitters off and burrows away to escape. hes horrible
everything wlse is on the toyhouse. look at them i gave them a funny little theme and stuff. meow
#txt#i love my bug bro#he speaks very raspily like a hiss with a high-ish voice#his personality is like if a centipede were given human words. and emotions. combined w a feral cat#he takes julian’s body to become a fiend after hes mortally wounded but smtng fucks up and now theyre headmates .#everyone including julian hates them so much at first bc i mean. they killed him. but eventually they realize theres no getting rid of them#without killing julian in the process#so theyre like sigghh. alright. youre oart of us now🤬 and centis kicking and screaming NOONONONOOONO but eventually he calms down and just#becomes a grumpy murderous housecat who wants to destroy humanity. spare for his new friends who ARENT HIS FRIENDS THEYRE HIS SUBJECTS🤬🤬#i fucking loveee him stupidass! he has no ‘real’ human form other than julian but scruffier and buggier to make himself more at home#but his true form is a giant centipede with tons of eyes down its back and fur and horns and big arms maybe claws idk but SCARY LONG COOL#I LOVE THEM ok i fucking love bug and i LOVE CENTIPEDES so this giys my baby!!!#ocs#centi#rambles#long post
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Excerpt from Bechdel's Fun Home, page 214
This is Alison Bechdel’s coming out story as featured on the Oberlin College website.
#i hope its okay to add this#this excerpt makes me emotional every fucking time#especially the double meaning of being scared of lesbian identity AND sex#if i had read that book and looked at that page during my teen years im convinced i wouldnt have been absolutely terrified of sex#maybe just a little less terrified bc i was so scared of lesbian sex + everyone felt predatory until i met my partner#hey lesbian sex can be safe loving and exciting and its not this huge terrifying beast#and fun home really helped w that shift in some weird way
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I love to talk but I rly do feel like we have to be talking for a minimum of 8 hours straight before I feel like I can even begin to rly broach things on my mind or that have been bothering me a lot that I actually want to talk abt without being vague or deflecting or omitting or lying and if the conversation takes a break at any point it resets back to 0 and its still nice regardless but.
#we're all just desperately chasing each other around for a semblance of connection in this cold bleak world#but unfortunately due to the relentless crushing pressures of capitalism we also have to work so no time for that#man. sorry just frustrated n miserable now. wish i was capable of feeling close to other ppl wish i could give other ppl that connection#but instead we're just ships in the night passing by or whatever#and i have to settle with not rly being known or wanted or important in other ppls lives and its forever. btw#bc even if ppl do think they know me or do want me around or i am important to them in some way.. the specific torture labyrinth i call#home is constructed in the most elegant and precise way that im incapable of believing them to be sincere anyway#so thats all on me! if I tried harder and made more of an effort to communicate with or trust ppl i wouldnt feel this way!#but i dont so better luck in the next life i guess! this is why i dont think abt this shit bc it makes me want to kms#whats even the point man#dont even worry abt me im fine just need to fucking vent bc i dont have time to allow myself to feel anything bc i have plans tmr#so i need to go to bed early. and ill just try my best to keep distracted forever so ill never need to face how pathetically desperate#i am for any kind of emotional intimacy whatsoever and also physical contact but im not normal enough to fulfil any of my own needs#yeah well. its my life that i have to live and im the one making it this way. digging my grave and lying in it innit#its fine tho bc they make repressed fictional characters that i can project onto instead of confronting any of my issues#so ill just be here in my labyrinth doing that. while everyone else gets to see sunlight and grass and whatever#im just so tired i dont want to do this i want to pretend i dont care and dont need it and maybe itll become true. its too much for me#let me know when they need me to pilot the jaeger and drift with someone and thru our mindmelding i can finally achieve intimacy and trust#well anyway. that was embarrassing. hope it works out for everyone else#hope my flatmate gets her ideal life w our other old flatmates and finds a convenient way of discarding me from that like they want#except im going to make it as difficult as possible for as long as i can for them to get rid of me bc im selfish and want what i want so.#my obligate parasite ass. or whatever. im going to throw up if i keep thinking so thats a good place to stop and go to sleep probably#.vent#dont interact im being stupid as fuck and dont care just leave me alone thanks
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.,.
#I WANNA GO BACK TO COLLEGE GAHHHHH#i'm so bored back here like i have three friends i stayed in touch w from high school#and like everywhere i gotta drive and i just dont wanna leave the house#but even if i do wanna leave and i make plans my friends and i r always like where tf do we even go???#like in our immediate area its just so boring#also like being in my okd bedroom. is so weird??#i feel like very time im back home i feel all these emotions and things from being a high schooler again#and its more so annoying than anything bc that stuff is just not a part of my life anymore#byt when im back home thats all that is there to think abt idk#and i mean my parents r just tooooo much like......#its just annoying going fron living my life indoeendently to being back under their roof i think#idk im just gonna keep rotting this break tho maybe try to plan a small trip w friends#im so tired of being the one to plan things but like thats a whole other issue omfg#idk good thing is tho ive got my dog :3 hes so silly like hes over the moon everyone is back home rn#bro is living his best life my little smelly baby boy I MISSED HIM SM 😭😭😭😭😭#glow gabs
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OK BEING DELUSIONAL ON MAIN 24/7 but im really loving my new fixation self so far!!! on the occasions where i feel really attatched to a character(usually bc theyre a sign for me) my physical body either starts getting changes or i start noticing things already there(usually my hair is the biggest difference, as it literally changed texture last time and i reallyyyy needed something new to flatten the curls out..found it!!)
rn im like a weird bigender girlverine, and its finally making me feel better about not shaving as much(i had a big dysphoria era with my new alters who didnt like our beard and alters who did, so now while this fixation is on theres a balence. for now). its also making me feel better about my super hairy arms and legs and chest, and also my veiny hairy hands and feet that look like. not human. so now i wouldnt even mind having more hair on them....it came at a perfect time for my nails too, as this is the first time in my life where im not bitting them and let them grow out to ungodly lengths(i cut them into points to make them sharp >:3) oh and ive got pointy vampire teeth from my vampire fixation as a kid(one of the first times this happened) so thats fun too.
but yea i look like this irl rn and my hair is sooo fluffy and big^^ (weird panel but it resonates w me)(now im just hoping for my sideburns to finally grow after 7 years of wanting them...)
#(me laying in bed going thru the sickness) at least im hot and sooo beastlike#im 3 inches taller than him....#HOW DO I GET A WHOLE CHEST N TUMMY OF HAIR BUT NO BEARD i need a five o clock shadow to show for my STRUGGLES#but yea girlverine is everything to me rn. i relate a lot as i was a weird kid with violent tendencies who felt isolated from everyone#who grew up in a small town in canada. my school was literally surrounded by 2 forests that i hungout in and climbed the tallest trees#at somepoint in my early teens i ended up repressing all my violence and rage. which lead to memory problems.#so seeing him struggle to repress it all and be a good person while also trying to figure out the past that got erased from his brain is ->#obv something i relate to a lot...i get bits and pieces of how bad i was when i was a kid sometimes. i wasnt the worst. i was just autistic#i was just a kid who didnt know where all of these emotions and urges were coming from. and why i felt so different.#like..even now around people who are supposedly 'like me' i still feel a disconnect#w/lverine feels that too. hes a mutant but he feels different from all the other mutants.#(hes canadian too btw)#but i also relate to feeling like i got take away from my home into a place i didnt feel comfortable in(moving away to the city)#moving away literally brought out the worst in me i think. idk. i just feel like i wanna go home all the time.#even if i dont remember it anymore.#i just wanna go back and be myself again so i can know who that is
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Ypu know whwn you uh are in a weird panicky state (acute stress apparently) and you alternate vetween that and dissociating and you lose track of reality and overcompensate and undercompensate and want to fucking throe a grenade at your head
#and you were fine then youre hyperventilating then youre chilling then yojre crying then youre like#why am i here i have been through this at home and lived then you think of being home rn and want to violently hurl and kys#setting be lkke#and then he doesnt respojd and you feel like youve been super annoying and weak and emotional lately#i am frustrated in n my inability to communicate my actual thoughts#sometimes its bc theyre unwordifiable#sometimes ots bc i start w a half baked sentencw ik is wrong but th en i have to run w it and change it as i go or ill cone across a fool#but i come axross a fool anyway bc i just lose traxk of the#fucking fuck fuck fuck fuvk fyck#im going to ban myself from my phone tomorrow i cant keep typunf retard ed rants bc it makes me feel more insanw and angry at myself#for aforemebtioned reason of#i cant put my brain into words and i cant comprehend it in my head#but maybe itll be easier to if i try to not write it out and just think#but i like organising things and um thinking too hard in too much depth always ends w me crying or pissed off so#will have to acceot thst and just ball#in the lesst ick way it is nice? veing here bc like i said setting tgere is nonway incould (easily( kms so im less stressed#and i literally get to sit here in a plain room with 100 percebt cotton blankets which r my favourite thig right now and be Alone#nobody can reach me here#i fuvking detest everyone#i miss * so much#i miss *#i wanna cut but the plastic knife i finessed from dinner sint do much#smuggled in m stig this time w
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Sigh.. We all should've have chosen both wally and conner...i can't imagine the faces of batfam
how to be a heartbreaker! (again &. again concept)
ft. yandere! wally west, starfire, roy harper, artemis, conner kent, bart allen x gn! neglected! reader w/ platonic yandere! batfam.
— masterlist !
reblogs and interactions are encouraged and appreciated.
tw: age gaps but there isn't nsfw (except for conner) and the reader is described to be older than 20 in this concept and was far ignored longer than in the og story.
a/n: happy (late) halloween! 🎃 i'm praying to the gods, please don't let this post flop, i'm in my flop era fr! because i am not writing allat for it to get ignored 💔 (just kidding i love u guys, especially to all those who comment! i read all your comments even if i'm unable to reply at times). if you guys are wondering why i didn't include all the characters, it's because this is just a drabble and if anyone likes more concepts about this, please send in asks! anyways, enjoy this sweet harem au hehe.
anon, you are so right. but let me raise you this: getting together with all your siblings' teammates. i'm not just saying wally and conner, no! i'm saying the young justice, the teen titans, all their friends and old pals— the moment you come of age, hide under the radar for a few years and eventually meet them at random. you'd be giving dick, hell, even bruce, your father, mind you, a run for his money when it comes to a player reputation amongst the siblings, and the best part (or worst part for you once it's too late...) of it all is the fact that you don't even have to keep all your little relationships with them a secret when they never once bat an eye on you until recently.
the funny thing is: you didn't even have to try to attract them. it was all them approaching you at random days and getting to know you better, with you, at your lowest point, accepting any medium of attention. at first it was them feeling pity, perceptive to how your siblings chose to focus on them rather than you, but now it's them chasing after you because you're so interesting in every aspect; even if you find yourself average at best compared to your talented siblings.
maybe it's because you bring the normal out in them, or because you display such raw emotions and are an entirely separate being from vigilantism. either way, they find themselves thinking about you more often than their missions and that's harrowing.
and because you're such a pathetic, wet cat, so desperate for love; all the people you hit on develop a savior complex because of you. i don't just mean them finding you cute, or interesting, absolutely not. i mean you're constantly being thrown around like a prince or princess who needs a knight in shining armor to catch them when they fall, except you're constantly being carried in some other's arms even when you can stand on your own two feet.
you just have that special quality in you that makes everyone fall head over heels. it makes them fantasize scenarios of a home life with you; they could provide better than your current ones do, for sure. you'd be spoiled to death with kisses to your face, hands wrapped around your body, and a guarantee that you'll never feel alone or unsafe in a world full of danger that lurks around the corner.
that same quality may have also been your downfall.
wally west doesn't mind training all day to become stronger and faster to save you from every danger that lingers near your presence. hell, he doesn't complain anymore whenever dick assigns him some missions if that means he can pass by your room by the manor as an after-mission reward, loving it when you smile at him with the gentlest quip of your mouth as he hastily wraps you in his arms with the same amount of speed it took to run to your house. wally cherishes watching you in slow-time because he could worship every little part of his darling's expression, quelling the boredom he had for the entire day. he wants to be fast enough for his babe, not only just to impress them but because he wants them to see him as the only reliable individual capable enough of protecting and flirting with you. not everyone can measure up to his speed, no? nobody could keep up with this man's speed and he's known for taking you away whenever you're with someone else just to get a sliver of your time.
starfire's emotions become ablaze and so does her powers every time she notices one of your other sweethearts becoming too touchy with you, unable to comprehend why you're not even in a relationship with her yet. but you're too sweet and you bury yourself in her curly tresses to calm her down. at first that's enough! she doesn't understand the concept of physical affection and the boundaries that come with it as much as others but boy does she crave it when it comes to you. it doesn't help the fact that you're incapable of sometimes denying her affections and letting yourself be constantly kissed by the girl in every part of your face. she's very warm, though, and her curiosity about things foreign to her, paired with you teaching her more about your world, makes starfire adore her sweetheart's willingness and patience; it simply warrants another passionate kiss in the mouth from the pink-haired alien.
roy harper brings out a more rebellious side of you that you never imagine yourself sporting. his experiences in life and his rebellious relationship towards oliver queen, his adoptive father shapes him to who he is now; and he'd be damned if you drown yourself in endless misery like he did. yeah, it doesn't help that lian loves you as much as he does and he thinks you're the perfect match for him, watching you play with his little girl and care for him whenever he's injured does wonders for the fantasies that plays itself in his head, all scenarios of coming home to you after a hard day of work, just to see you and lian greet him the moment he enters your shared house with him, kissing him in the lips, telling him about the wonderfully prepared dinner you and lian whipped up for him, and watching your eyes widen at another bouquet of your favorite flowers he bought home for you. you're not in a relationship with him at all but can't a man just dream?
why dick wonders every damn time one of his friends ditch another one of their hangouts is a question never to be answered. but it's been noticeable these days that he's starting to suspect something wrong at play, especially since he's noticed tension within his comrades, and as a leader he couldn't just simply ignore the tense glares, insults to their being, and the hushed whispers; all pet names, a mantra they're used to calling you.
but dick doesn't take it seriously until it's too late.
that his baby bird long fell off the nest years ago, taken into the arms of whom he thought to be his most trusted comrades, thoroughly loved more than he could've given you. and it's not just one person smitten with you; it's an entire harem of people unwilling to share you just as much as dick who'd soon realize that he shares far more similarities with you; a heartbreaker, yet a caretaker at heart.
it's no wonder why everybody wants you for themselves. it's not only your family who loves to hear your precious laughs and gentle hands; that sets the jealousy ablaze in his heart.
jason never thought that artemis carried a softer version of her. but he's been picking up telltale signs of her donning dangling keychains, all cute doodles of her no doubt, and necklaces he's sure he's seen around the manor at times. it's not her typical style, and she never really found the appeal with cute things like crochet plushies of her; yet the designs are oddly reminiscent to someone he always called his angel. but whenever he tries to bring the topic up, he only receives a snarky reply, a protective hold on her things, and a familiar phrase telling him to mind his business. he isn't aware of how she met you one time after you've nearly been crushed to death by a car accelerating at you, if not for her taking the blunt end of the hit. ever since that day you've been seeing her regularly by alleyways watching over you as your guardian and giving her tokens of appreciation, albeit small, that she keeps as her prized properties; ones nobody has special access to touch. she's not much of a heckler for physical touch, but she occasionally gives you a head scratches and the rare peck to your lips.
jason doesn't like how jealous he is towards her, because of how the would-be stranger treats her and why he can't seem to pinpoint the primal urge to rip those little trinkets from her. sometimes he feels like a man possessed, eyeing the keychains and the random pastel bracelets longer, all warranting the same angered glare artemis reciprocates.
he swore he's seen them before, splayed across the random rooms in the manor, some even being in the library; things he loved to fiddle with whenever he was bored out of his mind. so seeing them being proudly displayed by artemis triggers visceral reactions within him.
but could jason do anything about it when he's part of the reason why your roster consists of your family's comrades? no.
if you couldn't get attention from your family, you'll just have to get it through their affiliations. yeah, some are older than you, but god are you treated like divinity with just how willing they are to kneel upon your feet just to gain a crumb of your attention. even the strongest lay weak whenever you look at them with disappointment or sadness with your wide, captivating eyes.
all the times tim drake would be with teammates, he'd notice how their eyes look at him expectantly, as if waiting for another one to accompany them. at first he ignores it, but the longer their strange behavior persists, he begins opening a case about his close friends.
he soon realizes that conner has a record of mentioning "his cute little darling," and how he'd brag to his other friends about how left his jacket and all his favorite t-shirts in your room and how you're always drowning in his scent— always quiping about just how much it smells like you and how he enjoys wearing all his clothes right after you wear them just to get a whiff of your presence in his life; you being his motivation to fight against crime just so he could see your pretty face and tell him you're proud of him. undeniably, he's the one who spends the longest time with you and he's prideful about it, being the only man with the privilege to touch every part of your skin, wishing to melt against you just so he'd be branded in your body like how your name is the only sweet thing he can taste in his mouth.
it's not only conner, but bart allen would bounce around more often demanding that it's unfair how conner gets everything and how he gets little time with you, with just how often you get thrown around by all your love interests! he'd admit just how cute he finds you whenever you coo about him and play with his messy locks of hair whenever it's his time of the week to visit you right after missions. spending time with him is arguably the most casual part of your life, because he loves to help you with your daily errands despite him complaining about the same tasks to his other teammates... he says it's because you stimulate every part of his brain to find satisfaction in every small action that you do, but it's not only that, rather, he wishes to gain all your praises that you sing for him, never finding boredom in your presence at all.
tim's the first one who pieces the jigsaw puzzle together, but he's thoroughly astounded either way at just how smitten they are with you. it makes him open an entirely different case that's just about you; where he discovers how you're connected with nearly everyone close to him and his siblings.
it makes him wonder what makes you all the more interesting. it's how exactly he spirals into a periodic cluster of events investigating your entire life and drowning himself in work, terabytes of files each analyzed carefully— all about you, your past, and present situation. tim drake never saw a person this admired that much, so much so that online stalking lead to physical stalking.
all your dm's are spammed by countless people, and you don't even take the initiative to reply because you'd be too busy being tossed around by the time the vigilante tracks your location. it's honestly amusing at first but the longer tim become a third perspective to your life, the more he craves your physical presence, just to get a taste of dissecting all the thoughts in your brain. but with just how often their friends fight over you, it'd be hard to rip you away from the clawing hands of all your admirers.
that's why he sets a plan into motion. if he couldn't have you to himself, then he could at least share you with the closest people he had in his life— not with all the strangers who think they know his younger sibling better than he does.
a simple document, many actually, so documents, were all he needed, with printed stacks of a4 paper compiling each and every known fact about you.
all in the name of love, he'd give it out to every member of the family in quick succession.
a hefty reminder to take back what once was theirs.
#🌷... yael's works#series: again & again#yandere dc#yandere dc comics#yandere batfam#yandere wally west#yandere wally west x reader#yandere starfire#yandere roy harper#yandere artemis#yandere conner kent#yandere bart allen#yandere dick grayson#yandere jason todd#yandere tim drake#yandere#yandere x reader#male yandere#female yandere#yandere x gn reader#yandere x male reader#yandere x female reader#yandere x you#yandere x darling#yandere x y/n#platonic yandere#romatic yandere
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Azriel Fic Recs
** Updated 03/07/2024 **
A collection of amazing fics I think everyone should read. Also an appreciation for the writers that carry this fandom on their back.
One Shots:
@azrielhours
soft spot - smut, fluff - "Azriel is very particular about his lovers; typically hard-hearted women chosen so they don’t develop an emotional attachment. Reader is one of these lovers, except she’s the sweetest and cheeriest on his roster. This causes Az to begin breaking his rules about intimacy, especially when she unwittingly ends up at his home for work one evening and spends the night."
take care - fluff - "There Was only One Bed trope, reader and Az stay at an Inn overnight, they take care of each other."
i want you to rest - fluff - 10/10 comfort fic - "Reader has a nightmare while on a mission w the boys. Azriel comes to the rescue, brings her to his room to comfort her. She doesn’t want to sleep so he stays with her through the night."
lessons on relief - smut - "Azriel is the last of the boys to lose his virginity"
tight enough - fluff - "Reader needs help tightening her corset and no one's around to help but Azriel."
captured - fluff - "The camera has been invented and Azriel takes up a hobby of capturing reader, proving how pretty she can be."
@tadpolesonalgae
unchained - smut
stockholm syndrome - smut, dark!az - please check the warnings before reading!
birthday girl - fluff
dreamy - smut
@azsazz
the caress of murder and moonlight - smut, rhys x azriel x reader - "Rhysand and Azriel are having a secret meeting out in the woods. Upon hearing your scream, the race to save you, and you thank them in the only way you know how."
after hours - smut, modern au, office au - "You and Az work in the same office and you've been crushing on each other for quite some time. Late at the office one night, he decides to do something about it."
body and soul - vamp!az au, smut - recommend checking the other parts
dirty work - smut
leisurely - fluff
@azrielbrainrot
i'll be here - fluff - "You feel a little out of place at a celebration in the House of Wind and a certain Shadowsinger comes to the rescue."
such a perfect place to start - fluff - "Something happens that has you questioning the nature of your relationship with the shadowsinger."
maybe we could be the start of something - fluff, modern au, band au - Your friends invite you to a bar and you could never imagine who you'd meet there."
darling i'd wait for you even if you didn't ask me to - fluff, modern au, band au - "You have a really bad day and Azriel is there to help you through it."
you take me higher - smut - "What happens when you run into Azriel at a bar after a long mission?"
loose lips and big feelings - fluff - "Azriel gets a little drunk and you take care of him."
the right time - fluff - "Azriel wakes up with a massive hangover and the girl of his dreams sitting in his kitchen."
when prayers fall on deaf ears - angst - "For the first time in his life, Azriel is not ready to accept death."
all over my skin - smut - "You find yourself in an empty room between the High Lord and the Shadowsinger."
sweet somethings - fluff - "You help Azriel put on a necklace and almost get lost in his eyes."
@serpentandlily
no going back- angst - "Azriel has been your mate, your husband, your love for centuries. But a certain Archeron sister has him questioning your relationship after all this time. You soon find out that there are simply things that can not be unsaid or undone. And sometimes, there are things you can’t come back from."
the shadowsinger's secret - "After years spent trying to befriend the shadowsinger to no avail, you are finally ready to give up after accidentally overhearing him speak poorly of you. But when a gossip session exposes a life-changing secret, you realize you can’t let go of Azriel just yet."
birds of a feather - angst - "Azriel had been your closest friend, made from the very same things as you—birds of a feather, as they say. But you were not the girl he chose to fall in love with. So all you could do was love your mate in the shadows until the day you died."
we should stick together - angst - "Azriel deals with the aftermath of losing his mate."
@illyrianbitch
death and his reaper - angst - "After suffering a devastating injury in battle, Azriel finds himself on the brink of life and death where he meets you, The Mother's reaper."
winner - "You and Azriel are both sore losers. But when you cheat in a game of cards, winning takes on a whole new meaning."
@fever-fluff
take my hand - angst, fluff - "Azriel really wants to hold your hand, but he's afraid that he'll hold it too tight."
@florencemtrash
he feels safe with you - "Azriel's sleeping habits begin to worry you, but after a conversation with Cassian, you realize you've misinterpreted the entire situation."
@utterlyazriel
let me keep you company - "You're studying in Velaris and a certain Shadowsinger catches your eyes in more than one way. It takes a while to realise the shadow keeping you company means more than you expect."
@prythianpages
i've been waiting for you - "Azriel finally meets the one he's been longing for. His mate."
be safe - fluff - "You are on your way to Day Court when Azriel stops you. After the two of you fall victim to Cassian's and Mor's teasing, Azriel realizes why he can't just let you go."
@leafsandstarlight
forced revelations - fluff - "While on a mission with Azriel, reader is tricked by a creature into revealing that her feelings for the Shadowsinger go beyond mere friendship."
bad idea, right? - smut - "You stopped sleeping together months ago, but when Azriel invites you back to his place after seeing you at Rita's you just know you're going to fall right back into his bed."
@writingcroissant
just a little crush - fluff - "Everyone secretly longs for Azriel, but Azriel only longs for her."
hands - smut - "Azriel has really nice hands. And he knows how to use them, too."
@safetypinxtales
lonely with you - angst, fluff - "it seems like everyone's found their mates, except you. On a sleepless night you turn to your friend, in hopes that being alone, together, will feel slightly less lonely."
@acourtofmenandthirst
love you in the dark - angst (really heavy on the angst)
@milswrites
somewhere only we know - angst - "Azriel comes to visit you for the first time in a while."
sweetened dreams - smut - "Having access to the people of Velaris' dreams was a gift you did not take for granted. Having access to your mate's heated dreams? Absolutely delicious."
@azrielscrown
innocence - smut, fluff
@gothicbabydollz
azriel x archeron!sister!reader - smut
@honeybeefae
desperate times - smut - "While tending to Elain's garden you come across a mysterious flower with an even more mysterious pollen. As the effects of it start to hit you, you have to fend for yourself to get the edge off...or do you?"
@writingsbychlo
be yours - fluff - "you ask azriel how it's possible he's still single."
@lalacliffthorne
idiot - smut - "a fight gets out of hand, and suddenly, everything´s turned upside down"
Series:
@azsazz
cupid's chokehold - fluff, angst - this is such an interesting concept - "You are a Cupid, a nearly extinct creature of Prythian. When you get caught trying to shoot Elain with your arrow, well, it's a little hard to explain what you're trying to do."
@illyrianbitch
an education in malice - smut - "With the sharp tongue of your notorious family, you are Azriel's most tantalizing challenge yet. It only takes one small meeting before you both realize that the line between hate and desire is dangerously thin."
@azrielbrainrot
moonlit shadows - "When tasked to find the once famed Temple of the Moon Goddess, Azriel only expected to find old, forgotten ruins if anything at all. He could have never imagined that not only would he find a temple but also someone who would change his life forever."
@pellucid-constellations
i laugh like me again, she laughs like you - angst - "Azriel would give anything to hold you one more time."
of oblivious minds - fluff - "You're positive Azriel is in love with Elain. It seems so obvious. But Cassian is laughing at you and suddenly nothing makes quite so much sense anymore."
@utterlyazriel
how long have i searched for you? an eternity my love - fluff - "azriel finds his mate in the most inopportune time and he convinces himself you haven't sought him out for good reason. he couldn't be more wrong."
@tadpolesonalgae
i can't bring myself to hate you - angst, smut (only one chapter for now at least) - this fic is my roman empire, literally obsessed with this. prepare for the pain and to kind of want to hit azriel over the head
eat you up - smut, dark!az - please check the warnings at the beginning! if you're ever in a mood for dark!az this is the perfect remedy (stockholm syndrome is a sort of epilogue? for this)
teeth and talons - smut, demon!az - "you’re accused of witchcraft and sacrificed to the shadow creatures, only to be saved by their ruler who’s suspiciously in sudden need of a bride…"
@leafsandstarlight
inadvertently yours - "As Eris Vanserra’s most trusted spy, you‘ve found yourself spending a surprising amount of time with the Night Court’s Spymaster. When your rendezvous with Azriel is discovered by High Lord Beron, the only way to protect the alliance is to pretend that you and Azriel are madly in love."
annual visit - fluff, smut - human reader, modern(?) au - "Each year on Halloween, Azriel visits the mortal lands with his friends to partake in the human debauchery that occurs. When he meets reader at a local bar, he can't take his eyes off her no matter how hard he tries."
@acourtofwhatthefuck
bluebird - fluff, angst
studious part 2 - smut
@lalacliffthorne
bat boys roommates - fluff, modern roommates au
Drabbles:
@gothicbabydollz
az spitting in your mouth - smut
@princess-tulip-writes
az pleasuring his mate with truthteller - smut
@fieldofdaisiies
azriel... - fluff, smut
azriel's hands - fluff, smut
@grandlinedreams
drabble - fluff, suggestive
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not our scene | ·˚ ༘ spencer reid ,, - part 2
summary - an undercover mission causes realisations that otherwise would be squashed in denial
genre - fem!shy!reader x spencer, forced/wanted proximity, fake relationship -> real relationship, awkward idiots, fluff
warnings - awkwardness, mentions of trafficking and manipulation, realisations of love
w/c - 1.9k
a/n - second part!!! sorry for the cliffhanger that’s my favourite thing to do NOBODY COME AT ME. maybe third part/epilogue?? who knows. love y’all
The instrumental music that poured from the live band on the elevated stage came to a close, you and Spencer hovering on the opposite side of the expansive floors, discreetly keeping an eye on two large kitchen doors. The room erupted in applause, which you joined into, for the band, the man you assumed to be the main musician stood and bent at the hips with a sly smile - he knew he was good. The room quieted down to a small chatter from the abundance of people that filled the room. Women with large hats, velvet gloves, and bright lips cornered tall men in grey suits (or the other way around) and laughed like they’d known each other for many years. Men with peppering beards whispered to each other before letting out howls and pointing towards women who were not their wives. The wives stood silent.
Spencer cleared his throat, breaking you out of your trance, “He’s been in there for around 10 minutes now. I’m gonna call it in, in case they’ve already got the tracker on him.” You nodded with a tight lipped smile, still recovering from the rollercoaster of emotions that dancing with Spencer had put you through. He glanced at you once more before holding down a button on his cuff and speaking out loud. You nodded along, in case anyone was watching - and also as a kind of self-soothing motion.
You didn’t drink - well, not often. So when a different waiter came up to you both every 10 minutes asking if you’d like a variety of alcohol, you had to kindly decline each time. And each time you became more irritated. People laughed loudly, people danced in quick blurs, people came up to you both and stared at your dress for a little too long. Thankfully, Spencer took your hand (you’re still in love after all) and nodded with a smile that almost made you forget you were on a mission.
The two of you escaped onto a balcony with a cold breeze accompanying the faster music that both of you wanted to avoid. Your night was already over, just as it started. One dance. You scolded yourself for wanting more, a longer night, for Webley to continue manipulating people. But you’ve done your job, you’ve completed your mission, and now you have to go home and act like all of it never happened.
“Great job, the officers have been notified and we’ve got a tracker on him now. You two can leave whenever-“
“I think we’ll stay for a bit.” Spencer spoke up, and it shocked you. It must’ve shocked Morgan too as the line went dead quiet. “Right, Y/n?” He gulped and eyed you with pleads. His tie was slightly askew, the wind flapping his jacket lightly, his eyes reflecting the stars that now hung high in the sky.
“Y-yeah. This party’s actually…” You looked over the over-crowded floor, to your red and sore feet, to the bad alcohol standing on the waiter's trays. But then you looked over to Spencer. His eyes, his hair, his small smile, his red tie. “The party’s actually not that bad.” You say with a smile.
“Okay… don’t stay for too long. We don’t want everyone to be hung over for a flight home tomorrow.”
The balcony was made of white concrete pillars and marble floors, sconces of warm lights and vines of ivy that wrapped around the pillars and balcony like waves of seaweed. It was beautiful, just like the rest of the establishment, it was unfortunate its main use was to take advantage of innocent people. But you weren’t out there to think about that - at least that’s what you assumed. Spencer wouldn’t want to stay to talk about trafficking or crimes surely.
In that moment, even after watching his small smile of excitement that you agreed to stay with him, all you wanted to do was kick off your shoes and take a goddamn breath.
You walked over to the parapet of the balcony and was glad to see the top was a flat slab of concrete, just wide enough for you to pull yourself up and sit down.
You sighed in relief, taking off your heels and letting them fall onto the shiny marble.
Spencer followed your movements, standing next to you and looking out onto the view. City lights and stars blended in with each other from this angle.
“Are you okay?” He asked gently. You smile, “That’s the third time you’ve asked me tonight. Do I look troubled?” He stood for a moment before turning his head towards you, his hair sweeping across his eyebrows in the breeze. “You look like you’d rather be anywhere else.” “Was it really that obvious?” “To me, yes… I think that if I didn’t pretend to enjoy tonight people would’ve been suspicious of us.” You frown slightly, “You didn’t enjoy the night?” “I didn’t enjoy the reason, nor the location. I enjoyed the people though.” He sends you a smile that makes your heart flutter and your cheeks redden. You hope he doesn’t see it in the dim lighting.
Inside, the dance finishes and people clap, and you do too. Spencer glances at your hands and smirks slightly. “You don’t think they’re suspicious now? We danced once, and now we’re out here watching them like weirdos.”
Spencer turned to lean on the balcony and look into the ballroom, shrugging. “We’re two young people in love,” he turned to look at you, eyes warm and deep, “alone time is what we need.”
You bit the inside of your lip and stared at Spencer. His suit, his matching (skewed) tie, his hair and his eyes. He did the same to you, before gulping and looking down at the floor. He bent and picked up your shoes, turning them in his hands and observing. “These are too small for you.” You laugh at the obvious fact, “They’re JJ’s. She’s got the tiniest feet I’ve ever seen.” “You’re only one size above her.” “She wears high heels much more often than I do.” “You swap between sneakers and converse. You’ve only bought new shoes two times since I’ve known you. This is the second time I’ve seen you wear heels, and even then they were practically ballet shoes.” He smiled to himself like it was an inside joke. “Oh…” You looked down at your feet and realised he was exactly right, “I’m surprised you’re not wearing your black converse right now.” “Morgan didn’t let me. He said he was pressured to make me look good by all the girls.” He lifted a finger and turned fully towards you, “Did you know that sleeve buttons on suits were created to help doctors who worked in the war keep their sleeves up? Now, they’re a sign of intelligence and wealth. Also, a few weeks ago, you called me a grabologist because of my collection of ties, but did you know that the largest collection of suit ties is owned by a New Zealander woman called Irene Sparks. Now, I think I’d like to oppose that not with my own collection, but with Morgans.”
You smile at the memories of the girls dressing you up, fueling the sisterhood that the childhood version of you missed out on. You thought about Morgan, Hotch and maybe Rossi, and how they were probably dressing him up as well. It was truly a found family, something that you felt you belonged to. They knew your habits, they knew when you were lying, they knew a good portion of your past. And you knew all the same for the rest of them. But Spencer?
Mentally, without realising, you had been creating essays for him since the day you met him. You made journal entries for everyone else, but for Spencer it was books on books of mental notes and facts and aspects of him and his life that you kept in the back of your mind, ready at any point to bring out and use. Why he wears mismatched socks, why he likes purple, why he can’t handle too many people talking at once, why he feels uncomfortable at hospitals, why he hasn’t contacted his father in years. And he knew no doubt even more about you. He had a talent for knowing your emotions and feelings like no one else could, and it made your heart palpitate every time he did it.
“I mean, you’ve seen my collection of ties but jeez, you’d think a guy who mainly wears t-shirts would keep his collection small. You’d like one of his, it's a green that matches that bedside table you painted once. Like those socks you got me last Christmas. But anyways, he somehow had a perfect red to match your… dress. Which by the way, I noticed a lot of people looking at you - and I don’t blame them. I think you look, um, I think you look incredible.” His rambling quietened down for a moment as he tried to avoid eye-contact with you, before he cleared his throat and continued on with his rambling (which mixed with compliments every second sentence).
And suddenly, you realised this was all an excuse. You were in denial, so badly, that you thought of him as a subject of your devotion without stepping back and seeing the real picture.
“Spencer…” You cut him off and he looked up with big eyes, surprised you spoke up. You were the only person that let him ramble, it may have been the only time you stopped him. “Wh- You wanna go home?” He saw your eyes, you looked in pain, in shock, in… “No, Spencer, I… Um.” You pressed your lips together and looked down - were you really going to say this? Were you really going to admit you loved the man in front of you without any evidence that he felt the same way? He was your coworker, your best friend. Everything could be ruined in just a few words. Suddenly, you wanted to take your train of thoughts back, to let him continue on with his rambling - it always calmed you down anyways.
Suddenly, his palm was held out in front of you with a small mint in the middle. You looked up at him and his worried but genuine smile. “Here,” he said softly. You took the mint in your hand and simply stared at it. To be loved, is to be known. “Um, Spencer. I…” His eyes were wanting, curious, they were so goddamn beautiful, “I… I love you.”
His mouth gaped slightly and his cheeks reddened. Spencer gulped and fiddled with his fingers before chuckling nervously, “I was supposed to say it first.” “What?” “I was supposed to say I love you first.” You hopped down from the concrete railing, dress falling to cover your shins again. “I can take it back if you want.” You responded quickly. “No, no don’t take it back, even if you did I don’t think I could mentally accept that you had taken it back.” You covered your mouth with your hand and looked up at him in shock, “So you-” “I love you, too.” He nodded and took your hands from your mouth, holding them in his, “I have since the third week you’ve worked with the BAU.”
“Oh, that’s great um…” You looked down at your intertwined hands and furrowed your eyebrows, “What do we do now?” “We could go to the McDonalds that’s a 10 minutes walk away or, I could kiss you.” He stared into your glistening eyes and wanted to pinch himself to see if this was actually happening. “I don’t-”
“You don’t like McDonalds, sorry, my brain is-”
“Just kiss me.” You replied exasperated.
“Okay.” He nodded and placed his hands on your waist.
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