#my disability is unknown
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Journey to Dorito Body pt. 10
3/11/24
Soooooo, it's been a week but I have a good reason! I had a medical procedure that fucked up my energy levels and all my routines and I'm just on getting back to normal and that includes exercising again. And I'll be honest...it didn't go great.
It STARTED great cuz my arms are bigger! I noticed and was like "fuck yeah let's go make them BIGGER" but I made a few mistakes that made this workout not go well.
One, I had just had a big meal so I now feel like if I burp the wrong way I'll puke which just so nice /sarcasm.
Two, it was during the day so someone else came in in the middle of my workout so I finished early which never feels good.
Three, I hadn't worked out FOR A WEEK yet I didn't pace myself like I was coming back. I expected too much from myself. Again my weight didn't go down but my energy levels TANKED. I literally had a cataplexy episode the second I sat down.
Four I did squats to failure and yeah my knees had none of that. Multipe full buckles on both sides on my post gym walk. So maybe don't over work your weak joints, dumbass.
So yeah basically my disability and my own too high expectations made this workout not great but I still did it. I've restarted my routine and that's what's important.
Also fucking look!
Look! They're bigger!...not by a lot but bigger! I'm really happy! Not fucking bad for my disabled ass. Now imma pass out. I have no real choice in the matter. The rest of my day will have to wait.
#Journey to Dorito Body#fitness journey#fitness journal#fitness#my disability is unknown#invisible disability#loose joints#chronic fatigue#imma pass out now#look at my baby muscles#im so proud
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disability pride month userboxes part 5/5
posted these on insta throughout the month :3
#disabled#disability pride month#schizophrenia#unknown illness#tinnitus#spcd#hallucinations#sleep paralysis#aggressive tendencies#post incarceration syndrome#sign language#hearing loss#sleep apnea#fnd#panic attacks#overstimulation#knee brace#chronic nightmares#my posts
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thursday quest - no physical therapy today - make and eat lunch sooooo early but i can do it!!!!! - get ready for wedding - attend wedding! yay! (: - decompress well when i get home <3
#its thursday quest#god i'm so anxious about it autism style. so many uncertainties that i simply cannot account for alone. but i'm being sooo 'brave' about it#(keeping it to myself. except for posting about it)#taxi company hasn't texted me the drivers' details yet and i emailed them to be like ummmm your policy is to pay before the day#would you like to email me the payment details so i can do that? and they were like 'we'll send the driver details soon' ummmm#there isn't much soon left!!!!!!! it's happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they're probably just not Organised™ in the way i prefer to be. which is objectively fine it's just challenging for me personally.#i do not think it's Bad but!!!!! i've never taken a taxi before <- guy who Is Scared Of Taxis Specifically but has to face#their fears because they're disabled and have no other choice.#worst case i am down the money and no-one arrives to take me home i guess :P but it'll be afternoon AND my family are there so#in theory i could just get a lift home even though that would mess up other people's plans sooooo bad. UNLESS they have already drunk uhhhh#in which case i guess i'd just ask for help calling a taxi to the place. plany of people who can do such things easily (unlike me)#it'll be fine!!! i can ask my siblings if need be bc they are so niceys and will not get mad at me for being autistic o7#My other worry is being too hot and being in a rush getting ready bc i have to eat a proper meal due to the symptoms syndromes#and we are leaving when my lunch usually is so that's a whole thing. which ALSO doesn't matter and I can do! it's just hard!#where is that post that's like 'managed mental illness can look like absence of mental illness 😅'. NOT saying being autistic is mental#illness i am saying that the specific extreme anxiety i have is for me linked to autistic issues with 'the unknown' and boy. does this#social situation also have a lot of unknown.#BUT I CAN DO IT! and dare i say even have a nice time!!!!! it's just i get so so scared beforehand but i will not express it in a way that#impacts or inconveniences anyone else!!! i can handle it by myself at my house and it'll be fine
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New OC!
An unnamed Frankenstein’s monster who may have been responsible for the scientist’s disappearance and are now assuming the scientist’s identity. They blame an accident for the scars and amnesia.
Feel free to suggest a name for them!
#my art#original art#oc#oc art#frankenstein#frankenstein’s monster#frankenstein’s creature#disabled#they/them#queer#mad scientist#mad science#gel pen#pencil#black and white#silent movie core#oc: mx. unknown
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Me: So, I have these dizzy spells that take me when I am walking and I almost fall bc of them. I also have trouble standing for any period of time because of my poor balance, which is made worse by the above mentioned dizzy spells.
My doctor: have you considered sitting down when this happens?
Me: Gee, thank you Sherlock! I really never thought that sitting down could solve my problem with standing up. But did you hear the part where I told you I kind of like walking and the point is for me to still be able to go out of the house for more than 1 hour at a time?
#i am deeply grateful for the medical support i have#but doctors can be dumb as fuck sometimes!#granted this was not my specialist for pain and weird stuff but still#he studied the samd basics of medicine and should be able to connect the dots#i am aware a cane or other mobility aid can cause other issues#but it’s also for specific situations i’d need one so it’s not the end of the world#i just want to be able to visit a city without relying on an unknown benches situation and falling over bc of a dizzy spell#but noooo#we don’t want young people to rely on canes bc they could become dependent!#fuck them#i just want to be able to live by myself if only a little bit!#so fucking listen to me and propose relevant solutions!#the doc proposed carrying around one of those small stools fishers use#but have you considered i don’t have the time to pull that thing out unfold it and sit when i am dizzy?#rant#personal post#heds#hypermobile ehlers danlos#actually disabled
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Walked just a little bit today and my hip started hurting like hell. I literally fell to the floor when standing up because my hip gave out. It feels like it's getting worse. It hurts really bad, probably can't walk to school tomorrow (yay, I hate school)
#mri in less than 24 hours#why is my hip pain getting worse??#disabled#chronic pain#chronic illness#joint pain#pain log📋#hip pain#unknown chronic illness
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clan snapshot--- THERE ARE SO MANY BABIES!!
#my art#clangen#warrior cats#I had to disable the unknown second parent setting#bc my cats just kept showing up with random ass babies every other moon 😭😭#also two of my favourite cats slightpaw and rainbowfur got killed by rogues : (((
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#talked to my mum about Fears About The Future#which felt. significant. especially since she was Normal about disability stuff (she desperately tries not to grieve me in front of me but.#she tends to struggle with it. especially when it requires being realistic about things. she's getting better with it)#and it didn't necessarily make things feel less scary#but less unknown. i don't know if Known-Scary is better or worse than Unknown-Scary#unclear. Unknown-Scary is sustained Foreboding Dread in the background of everything. Known-Scary is more bursts of frantic anxiety and fea#to be fair both are still Very Present#getting covid this year has definitely fucked with my health a lot#before i could manage uni and housework. now it's. very much one or the other.#and unfortunately. i have a larger workload right now. -> six hours of in person class a week of which i attend 3. which. feels bad ngl.#technically also work at home but that feels. more manageable and also not able to really be calculated. still a lot though.#i don't know. health scary. digging through work and income even scarier. thinking about the very very small number jobs i can work and the#smaller job market. even worse.
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I think something a lot of ppl who are anti self-diagnosis don’t realize is that:
1: it is EXTREMELY hard to get diagnosed with autism or a learning disability as an adult. And some insurances will flat out refuse to do it. If you were not diagnosed with autism as a child, you will most likely never get the opportunity to be tested as an adult. And even if you do get that opportunity, you still have to pray that the person doing your test doesn’t have a racial, age, or gender bias. Because that frequently causes autistic people to get misdiagnosed.
2: Saying you are not anti self-diagnosis doesn’t mean you support ALL self-DX. Things like anxiety and depression are pretty easy to figure out if you have or not, on your own. A lot of ND people have no choice but to self-DX. But that doesn’t mean people who have self-diagnosed think that EVERY condition can be. The vast majority of people are actually aware of how varied mental health conditions and disabilities are, and are not diagnosing themselves with every condition on the planet. Kids saying stupid shit on TikTok is not an accurate representation of how most people act in real life. I’m sorry to burst your bubble.
#I have been TOLD by DOCTORS that they can see I’m on the spectrum and that I also likely have an unknown disability (probably discalulia)#but I can’t get tested for any of it because my insurance will not allow adults to get tested with learning disability#a lot of medical institutions seem to be under the impression that things like adhd and autism only negatively impacts children in school
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Journey to Dorito Body pt 8
I may have went a bit too hard for the first time back in the gym in a bit so I took a few rest days but I'm back at it and....might have over done it again?
Okay hear me out. The weights just felt too light! So I upped my weight...and did more reps...and another set than usual. I have a too much gene! Leave me alone!
Should I pace myself better? Probably! Do I feel like a badass right now with all my sore muscles? Yes yes I do. Will future me hate past me for this? Yes yes he will but that's his problem to deal with!
Anyway I'm noticing improvements! Not visual yet but like I said my usual weight felt light....it. felt. LIGHT! I also did THREE good solid form hangs! Five seconds EACH! I could barely hold proper form for a second a week ago! AND my hands don't hurt as much while doing it! That's what I call PROGRESS, baby!
I am also doing more leg workouts aka cardio. I, Mr. I'd-sooner-die-than-do-cardio Sammy D'goblin, ran on a treadmill....for all of three minutes but fuck you that's a lot!
Why this sudden change of heart? Well, I've noticed that my elbows (once I stopped hyperextending them doing curls) have been doing a lot better. I have fewer days where they hurt, few days where I can't do dishes or fold laundry cuz my elbows hurt too much. My noodley joints are reacting well to strengthening the muscles around them so I want to do the same thing with my legs cuz my nlknees buckle a LOT. I already started doing squats and lunges but I think running and walking would do more for my legs. So yeah cardio is being a thing now and I loathe and despise it but I already noticed during my post gym walk that my knees didn't buckle so dammit if it doesn't work.
Anyway pictures!
You can actually SEE my muscles in these ones so yay! Also look!
My massive gallon bottle can fit in my coat pocket!
#Journey to Dorito Body#fitness journey#fitness journal#workout#exercise#my disability is unknown#but maybe working out is helping me manage it#yay big pockets#does anyone other than my sister even SEE these#i dont think so but thats fine#shes the only cheerleader i need#best sister ever
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My doctors: Yknow, exercise can help lower your blood sugar!
Me, already physically disabled and unable to exercise “properly:” oh really? cool!
#anyone else?#t1d#disability#honestly a NAME for my fucking unknown disability would be great#getting tested for eds come july but I really don’t know#anyways everyone stop suggesting/outright telling me to exercise challenge#health#me.text#signed []
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Ok. This might sound controversial but I need to get this out there.
Some people (not a lot and definitely not everyone) are saying it's cultural appropriation to use their or native American folklores for things outside of the native's context.
Alright I guess Greek and Norse and Japanese mythology can't ever be used again anymore guys. Remove all the fiction we have ever made. Library of Alexandria style.
Like, yes, I get the concept of not bastardizing a folk myth in the sense of like, "oh here's a w*ndigo, they're a hero!" when the creature is an embodiment of evil and represents all the negative things racist people ever associated with native Americans. Yeah I get that, but that shouldn't mean someone can't take the story and use it in their own in the right context.
That's what native America groups have done in so many different tribes. There is like 5+ different versions of the myth that are all native culture (all are Algonquian in close region iirc but still they have different things) so why can't I keep the main features that all cultures explain, use it in the same context but the lore is changed slightly to fit the story I'm representing it in?
THAT IS WHAT FOLKLORE IS
Don't get me wrong, if someone took a creature/being from folklore and made it something completely different and than tried to use the name of it, that isn't the same myth anymore and should be given a different name, not the one they tried to say was their new depiction. But that still shouldn't mean I can't use a myth. The main reason Im upset about this is because you have a small amount of people saying it's bad and shouldn't be done even if used accurately even tho pretty much every other culture does.
Norse mythology? Look at Marvel with it's Odin, Thor, Hel and Loki. Greek mythology? That existed years ago and a few modern day pagan Greeks use it outside context and allow others to use it because it's ancient stories full of culture heritage. Same with Roman mythology which is basically Greek mythology but changed for a new context and many use that. Hell we have planets named after them!
I'm not saying "take a myth and make it something no longer that myth but claim it is" because that would be super rude as it ruins what the myth ment and stood for. But things change constantly. No two versions of a myth are exactly the same. Who's to say I can't represent it in my own way? I love learning about cultures and all sorts of myths and tales and cuisines and traditions. But if people can represent Zues or a Kirin and no one bats an eye than why do some people get mad when someone uses a native spirit of greed and winter hm? I know some people of native groups prefer to not speak certain terms as they see it as taboo. The W*nd*go for example. But some do. So why can't I represent cultures in a fantasy setting? Sure the myths aren't real life and consist from cultures all over with different contexts, but if we can't use windigos why can we use fairies and elves and gnomes? Is it because those are white myths? If so that seems very rude. But I'm not sure that's what it is because we have Asian myths and Greek myths in which are used. So I suppose it's because how people back than treated Africa and the Americas. That and how some "modern" takes resemble nothing of the cultures' actually things. Like in Africa Voodoo is now some "heebe jeebies murder witchcraft" and in Algonquian cultures the windigos are now for some reason weird deer minotaurs???? Like, why are they deer now? That's a new thing now, give it a new name please.
Anyways, I do not wish for people to believe this is some angry rant about how people should be allowed to steal and bastardize cultures. Because that isn't true. That's also something wrong people really shouldn't do. But what I guess I mean by all this, is that cultures spread and change over times everywhere and so many connect and change and show heritage and history. We should love each other and other's cultures no matter differences. In the end, we're all human. We shouldn't be fighting someone who wants to make a story about some sorcerers and rogues trying to hunt down a monstrous thing of evil that has been torturing a scared town that represents native cultures. We should be fighting the people who try to make a movie about a myth for the thrill factors that completely change the myth till nothing of the old tale remains and dare to call it the same.
I'm pretty sure this won't get a lot of representation besides hate from the few I spoke about but I felt the need to at least get this off my chest and I apologize if this offends anyone no matter how.
Hopefully one day humanity can get along better than it does. 🤞💕🤝
#also my little pony has windigos in a different context and i have yet to see anyone mad about it#maybe there is some but i haven't found anything#i hope noone sees this as agressive in any way#i just love reading so much about everything and loving the connections and difences of cultures#but im so tired of being terrified to represent anything in anything#i worry about race i worry about culture i worry about accents and disabilities and diseases and so much#all because i see a few people getting so so mad at someone who wanted to share a story about a spirit outside of the big three mythologies#aka norse greek and japan#i know many people get mad at others for anything#but we should be getting along 😔#i guess im just tired and hopeful#i try to use inspiration from things as a way to let unrepresented people that at least someone cares about who they and their people are#i hate when people try to hate on someone for being different#i hate when people think they're better than anyone else because of who their people are#i hate how i feel like im on stepstones over harsh waters because im worried i will offend someone for trying to show i love who they are#i don't wish for ill intentions on anyone and i apologize if anyone sees this as rude to them#i just hope people understand where im coming from with this and why i felt the need to share#i just want to love others cultures and show that i care#and wish to share fantasies and speculative evolution of their myths and legends in a way to connect with others and the unknown#im sorry if i upset anyone that is not my intentions at all and i apologize for repeating this#im just worried this will come off the wrong way and i end up with hate spam in my inbox#i never get inbox stuff but i hope my first ones aren't hatemail#culture#planet earth#mythology#Love of Humanity and Unity
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#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation?#uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made#friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go#bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple#the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula#for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b#concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown#its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a#healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take#more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end#of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me#and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this#project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data#bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i#just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem#bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping#ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and#classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die#my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday#who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio#majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes#b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative#ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week#until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad#who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we#die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him#its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of#sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol#whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄#unrelated
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the audacity of able bodied people is so wild it would be hilarious if it wasn't actively destroying lives across the nation
#still thinking abt my mother getting angry at me in a chipolte for not wanting to get a life altering invasive surgery#like sorry brenda i have a cane and thats cool. sorry this crushes your soul daily or whatever#my body is not a tragedy and i will not subject it to unnecessary anguish#mossy speaks#ableism tw#in the tags#disabled tag#like. how can you be soooooooooo dense and entitled abt somebody else's pain levels or accessibility device#it doesn't affect you. its none of your business. and if it does affect you it's literally fine#worst case scenario you are minorly inconvenienced#the american hatred of the unknown and the different is my burdennnn
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Having the worst vertigo, dizziness and brain fog rn. Feels like my head is internally vibrating and spinning. I can't get it away
#im so dizzy please help#my brain is not working ay all#chronic pain#disabled#chronic illness#dizziness#vertigo#brain fog#fibromyalgia#pots#eds#unknown chronic illness#pain log📋
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By the way, my main tumblr is a fandom blog so it has a personal sideblog and that side blog is also attached to this one here.
I'm not going to post the url publicly, because it has my actual name and other blogs linked on it, but if we're mutuals there's a chance that blog may show up in your notes / may already be in your notes.
If you're someone who is wary of unknown blogs in your notes you can dm me for that url and I'll give it to you there!
I just don't want to post the url publicly because unfortunately my main blogs have a stalker who has been harassing me since late last year ( this person won't go after the people I reblog from, they're only interested in me for defending a long-time friend of mine from them because they ran my friend off tumblr altogether with their nonsense ).
#ambers.txt#I totally get being wary of unknown blogs. I have a whole concoction of mental illnesses. that's completely valid!#and the majority of what I blog about on that sideblog is LGBT+ stuff; mental illness; and disability.#so I'm willing to give out my url in good faith just not out in the open.
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