#my depression phase getting a bit too common at this time

[miraclecherryblossomsblog]

8 pm's starting to become a shitty hour to me for no reason actually...

[topazadine]

Writing Research Notes: Bipolar Disorder

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 19 and had a psychotic episode at age 21, so I'd like to say I know a bit about what I'm talking about. And I'm a writer! So today, I'd like to provide some facts about bipolar as a jumping-off point for your research.

Things we'll discuss:

A note of caution

Types of bipolar disorder

Phases of bipolar

Warning signs of mania

Symptoms of mania

Symptoms of psychosis

How bipolar is treated

Common myths about bipolar

Characterizations to avoid regarding bipolar

How to create an authentic bipolar character

This is just my opinion as someone who has lived with bipolar for a long time. Everyone experiences bipolar a bit differently, so not everything I mention will apply to everyone, and my own story may not reflect every single bipolar person. With that disclaimer, let's go.

A Note of Caution

This is a guide to help people who want to write about bipolar. It should NOT be used for self-diagnosis or to diagnose anyone else.

If you think you have bipolar, you need to speak to a professional as soon as possible. Bipolar disorder is not a cute quirky accessory. Both mania and depression literally cause brain damage, as I've discussed in my post about the Myth of the Martyr-Artist.

This is not something to play around with or to use to build street cred or whatever. It is a serious, severe mental health condition that causes untold hardship for sufferers, including increased risk of suicide, homelessness, addiction, and even dementia.

So please don't read this and go "oh I probably have bipolar lol." If you do read through this and go "oh shit this sounds like me," then get thyself to a physician as soon as possible and go through a real, actual, professional screening.

Alright, anyway, let's get into it.

Types of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar is typically separated into two types. What kind you have depends on your predisposition to either extreme: mania or depression.

Bipolar 1

People with Bipolar 1 tend to have more severe manic episodes and less severe depressive episodes. They are more predisposed to experience psychotic episodes, though psychosis can happen in Bipolar 2 as well. Bipolar 1 patients may only have very brief depressive episodes or they may only experience their "baseline" and mania. (As an aside, I have Bipolar 1.)

Bipolar 2

People with Bipolar 2 lean more toward depressive episodes. They may experience hypomania, which is a less severe form of mania, but their primary symptom will be depression.

It's important to note that while many say Bipolar 1 is more severe because of the manic episodes and risk of psychosis, this does not discount the extreme suffering that can result from Bipolar 2. Patients with Bipolar 2 have just as many struggles as Bipolar 1 patients.

Phases of Bipolar

Depression

This works much the same as the typical depression that people with Major Depressive Disorder experience, but bipolar patients may be more agitated, self-destructive, and aggressive when depressed.

Hypomania

This is the "less severe" version of mania. In the chart above, it's demonstrated by DIG-FAST: distractibility, impulsivity, grandiosity, flight of ideas, activity increases, sleeplessness, and talkativeness. These happen in full mania too, but to a greater extent.

Many people with Bipolar 2 welcome hypomania because, well, it feels a lot better than the depression they are usually stuck with. However, it's important to note that hypomania, like mania, can cause brain damage. It's not something to screw around with.

Mania

A more severe, destructive version of hypomania: everything is dialed up to 11. People may become hypersexual, spend money they don't have, destroy relationships, make inappropriate comments at work, or even fly into destructive rages.

Mania can be terrifying, both for the sufferer and for those around them. You can be so extremely happy that it's almost painful, or so angry that you feel like you're going to tear your own skin off.

Psychosis

This typically is the "end result" of mania which happens to about 50% of people experiencing a manic episode. It is typified by delusions and hallucinations. We'll discuss these a bit more later.

Contrary to popular belief, psychotic hallucinations are typically auditory, not visual, though visual hallucinations can occur as well. Other strange and less common hallucinations include olfactory (smelling things that aren't there), gustatory (tasting things that aren't there), or sensory (feeling people touching you).

Euthymia 

This is the normal, calm state in between depressive and manic episodes, where one has a sense of well-being and stability. It is the goal of therapy and medication management.

However, experiencing euthymia doesn't mean that the bipolar disorder is gone: it just means that it is in remission. Bipolar patients must always be on alert for warning signs of mania and be active participants in their own care.

Warning Signs of Mania

Manic episodes often come with prodomes, symptoms that appear before full-blown mania.

Bipolar patients and their families should be on alert for these warning signs and, if they continue to occur for more than a week or so, schedule an appointment with the patient's psychiatrist to see if they need a higher medication dosage.

Here are some common signs that happen before full-blown mania:

Feeling either really great or really terrible for no reason. Sometimes you can feel really great and really terrible at the same time. It's a very weird feeling.

Functioning well on little sleep for days on end. Not just one sleepless night, but being able to go to work and function on like 4 hours of sleep night after night.

Increased or decreased appetite. Either you hate food or it's the most important thing in your life. Can fluctuate day by day.

Increased productivity. You're getting soooo much done and so quickly! (It probably sucks but we'll put that aside for now.) You just want to work on your passion projects constantly.

Sudden interest in multiple new hobbies all at once, and throwing yourself into them with such passion that it's scary.

Weird physical symptoms. You may find yourself locked into a position and not want to move, or your skin may feel odd, like it's too tight or prickly.

Sudden bouts of tinnitus. It sounds really weird, but it's been proven to be a sign of impending mania along with the skin symptoms I mentioned before.

Your eyes look different. Your pupils are always dilated.

Not everyone will get all of these, but most people will have at least one trigger that happens to them every time before a manic episode. For me, it was hypergraphia (because of course it was).

Symptoms of Mania

Not all of these symptoms will happen to everyone, and every manic episode can be a little different. It all really depends on who you are. Now, I must say that anyone, bipolar or not, can have these symptoms. It is the intensity of them that defines mania. A manic episode can ruin your life because you just get. so. extreme. about whatever it is.

Becoming extremely focused on random things and projects. For me, it was cleaning the house: I started throwing out old photos that I thought we didn't need because I didn't want any clutter. I would sweep the floor for hours at a time. Sudden and intense interest in random subjects. I got really obsessed with Neolithic Scotland of all things. Now I can't even remember half the shit I learned. Spending way too much money. Many people will go into extreme debt because of their mania, especially if they don't have family support. I spent like $300 on a kitchen knife set despite having a full set of perfectly serviceable kitchen knives. I also bought a professional-grate ukulele that I very much could not afford and very much did not need. Worsening of any addictions or developing new addictions. Especially seen in gambling addictions because, well, you already want to spend a lot of money and it's an extreme dopamine hit. Sudden and intense aggression or emotional volatility. Normally calm and relaxed people will go off the deep end about pretty much anything: screaming, throwing things, and then bursting into tears out of guilt. I'm normally a pretty chill person, but one time I threw a phone at my mom's head because she pissed me off so much. I can't even remember what she said to make me mad. Feeling invincible. Manic people are convinced that nothing bad could ever happen to them and they can do whatever they want. Think of someone running into traffic, sure that no one will hit them. Or, on the other hand, feeling terrified of everything. This can happen to the same person, sometimes simultaneously. You may believe everything is a threat, even when there is no clear and obvious threat. Being physically incapable of sleeping. It's not insomnia like normal people experience, where you pop a melatonin or do some breathing exercises and manage to fall asleep. You cannot fall asleep. Normal sleeping pills do not work. You may need heavy-duty tranquilizers. One time, I combined like five Benadryl and a whole bottle of whisky and STILL couldn't get to sleep. I was crying because of how tired I was. Talking extremely fast and in an extremely disconnected way. This is called flight of ideas; you start jumping from one discussion to another in ways that other people can't follow. Your brain has made that leap but can't articulate it for other people. Shiny eyes. You really can see mania in the eyes; it's very unsettling. Manic eyes look dark, wide, and shimmery. Hypersexuality. I did not have this problem, but I have talked to bipolar people who wrecked their marriages because they could not control their urges. That's not an excuse, of course, nor does it lessen the pain that the other person felt. But it can indeed happen. Unintentional pregnancies, STDs, and a whole lot of bad feelings can come from this. Kleptomania. I also did not experience this, but I have heard of other bipolar people who felt an uncontrollable urge to steal things they didn't even need to: they could afford it, they just wanted the thrill of stealing it.

Mania can cause amnesia afterward, and the person may not remember large swathes of what happened, or it will feel "dream-like" and confusing. Of course, they've got some major damage control to do that can plummet them into depression.

Symptoms of Psychosis

Again, just like with mania, not everyone will experience all of these. If a person has multiple psychotic episodes, each one may be a bit different every time.

I'm going to separate this into several sections: common delusions, common hallucinations, and Other symptoms (which are often not discussed as much).

Common Delusions

Delusions can shift throughout the course of a psychotic episode, seamlessly morphing from one to another without clear cause.

With psychoanalysis, one can often find that there are "seeds" of a delusion in the person's everyday life, and they may be connected to current events. For example, someone may think they're the reincarnation of a previous president during a presidential election.

Being god or a reincarnation of a famous person

Extreme religiosity

A belief that they have found the "key" to the universe and that everything is connected by some vast conspiracy

Being surveilled by a government entity, sometimes with the belief that they have had tracking devices installed without their consent

Being stalked, harassed, or tormented by unknown entities or by strangers (gang-stalking)

Being persecuted for a certain identity

Having some special role to play or a special status

Being a member of a special community

Having special knowledge or insight into issues, like world affairs

Being ill with another disease, like cancer or dementia

Being ageless, immortal, or invincible

Having a special connection with a celebrity, famous person, fictional character, people you know, or even strangers

A sense that loved ones have been replaced with clones or copies

Believing that there is a secret "play" going on and other people are playing along with a secret "script"

Believing other people can hear your thoughts, or that you can hear theirs

Common Hallucinations

Repeating noises, words, or phrases, often in distinct voices

Spectral, unhearable music

Environmental noises that don't exist, like train whistles or construction sounds

Repeating jingles or "ear-worms" that get stuck and may continue for days or weeks off and on

Humming, whirring, or ringing

Mutated or blurry faces, even of people you know well

A sense that a person's face is not their "real" face and they are wearing a mask

Haloes or auras around people or animals

Sparkles, flashes, and black spots

Colorful lights, ribbons, or strings

Seeing people you know who could not feasibly be there, like old coworkers, old partners, or deceased relatives

Vague blurry shapes, or distinct monster-like entities

Strangely shaped or mutated animals or people

"String people" or "stick people"

Black "void people"

Shadows that aren't there, typically around doors or windows

Skittering bugs, rodents, or snakes, often black or blurry

Bugs or small creatures crawling on the skin

Itchiness or grittiness on the skin

Light feathery touches along the skin, especially on the back or hands

Goosebumps with no clear cause that don't go away

Bad smells, like feces, garbage, body odor, or burning plastic

Good smells, often those from childhood

Losing sense of smell or taste

Sense that the mouth is full when nothing is there

Prickly tongue

Metallic taste (may be a medication side effect)

Other Symptoms

Muscle stiffness

Catatonia

Slurred or fast speech

Lack of appetite

Weight loss

Migraines

Parkinsonian symptoms (tremors)

How Bipolar Is Treated

Bipolar is treated in a few ways, with the most important and prominent being medication.

Medication

Bipolar is typically treated with mood stabilizers, which is a vague class that includes anticonvulsants, SSRIs, SNRIs, and other groups of medications. (The medication I use, Lamictal, is an anticonvulsant.)

Psychiatrists must be very careful when prescribing antidepressants for Bipolar I patients because too much can bring on mania. Bipolar 1 patients will often have an antipsychotic added to their regimen as well. There are new classes of drugs that combine antidepressants with antipsychotics for a one-and-done deal.

Bipolar patients may also have antianxiety medications added to their regimen.

Psychosis is a medical emergency and must be treated as soon as possible. Fast-acting antipsychotics can be injected in the emergency room to stablize a psychotic patient. They may also use tranquilizers to calm a paranoid or combative patient.

Like with schizophrenia, patients who are not medication-compliant may opt for a long-lasting antipsychotic injection that only needs to be done once a month or once every three months.

Therapy

A history of trauma is one of the things that predisposes a person to bipolar disorder, so working on this can help reduce symptoms. EMDR therapy can be a safe and effective way to process trauma for bipolar patients.

However, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) doesn't work very well for bipolar patients because, well, their cognitive distortions are brought about by chemical changes in the brain, not just seeing the world "wrong."

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a better choice for bipolar patients because it helps them become more aware of their thoughts and, therefore, better able to manage their emotions.

Other options include equine-assisted therapy (my favorite!), art therapy, and family therapy to help build a stronger support system.

Lifestyle Changes

All the stuff that helps "normal" people can help bipolar patients, too. For example, having a set routine, eating well, setting and keeping a bedtime, getting exercise, and eating well are all crucial for managing bipolar, in addition to medication and therapy.

Weight management is a critical component of bipolar treatment. A lot of antipsychotics and mood stabilizers can cause weight gain, even when someone isn't overeating; they can also cause cravings for sweet foods or an increased appetite.

Because bipolar is often comorbid with other conditions worsened by excess weight, such as diabetes, heart disease, and PCOS, care must be taken to keep one's weight down. Excercise, because it has neurogenic benefits, can be enormously helpful in helping to heal the brain.

Some medications also cause vitamin deficiencies because they affect the way that the body processes nutrients, and they may block absorption of certain nutrients. Multivitamins can counteract this and even reduce symptoms because some deficiencies have a marked impact on mood.

Bipolar people should not drink, as it reduces the efficacy of medications and can lead to nasty side effects. They also should NOT smoke weed, especially if they have a history of psychosis. Yes, marijuana-induced psychosis is very real and far more likely for a bipolar person.

Additionally, bipolar people should nurture their support system, as having family support is a key factor in whether a bipolar person can stay stable.

Common Myths About Bipolar

Bipolar people are dangerous. Not necessarily true, though common media depictions show this as if all bipolar people are roving murderers.

In fact, bipolar people are more likely to kill themselves than anyone else: it has the highest suicide rate of any psychiatric illness, about 20 to 30 times more than the general population.

Medication is a crutch and bipolar people can get better by themselves. Wrong. Just like someone doesn't magically get better from Type I Diabetes without treatment, bipolar people need medication.

Bipolar can be treated just with lifestyle changes. Again, just like someone with Type I diabetes, you can't just will the bipolar away. You need treatment. No amount of supplements or sunshine will fix it. It's a brain disorder.

Medication turns bipolar people into emotionless zombies. Incorrect, with a caveat. The wrong dosage or type of medication very much can make someone into a zombie; I've certainly felt that way before. However, the correct treatment allows bipolar people to thrive and stay stable for years to come.

A bipolar person can never become stable and will always have symptoms. Sorta not true. Bipolar comes with other issues, like executive dysfunction, that cannot always be managed or treated. BUT bipolar people very much can become stable and mostly asymptomatic with the right treatment.

Bipolar people are always having some sort of crisis. It can feel that way, but once a person is stable, they can look just like anyone else.

Bipolar can go away. No. Even if you are in remission, you still have bipolar disorder and can relapse at any time. It is a brain dysfunction that causes measurable structural differences in the brain which do not go away.

Once you snap out of psychosis/mania, you're right back to normal. Wrong. You don't just wake up and are not psychotic anymore. It takes time for your brain to equalize and come back to baseline. I remember it as feeling like I was rising out of a long, long sleep. Once someone is stable, it's like nothing ever happened. Mania or depression causes brain changes that can last years after the episode. On average, the brain damage from mania exists for up to seven years after the last episode, and it worsens with each subsequent episode.

Any fluctuation in mood is a symptom of bipolar. This is so, so, so annoying. Bipolar people are allowed to have bad days just like anyone else. If I'm having a shitty day but I'm not throwing phones at people, then I'm probably just having a bad day. If I'm really happy, it doesn't mean I'm manic.

Bipolar people can't help it and shouldn't be punished for their actions. No no no. What I like to say is that my bipolar doesn't excuse my behavior, but it does explain it. If you hurt someone while manic, you still hurt someone and it's still your fucking fault! Never use it as an excuse to be an asshole.

Everything about bipolar is terrible. Wrong! Bipolar can have benefits like creativity, empathy, good problem-solving, and a unique perspective on life. A stable bipolar person can be a delight to be around. But these don't discount the downsides and should not be a reason to refuse treatment.

Characterizations to Avoid Regarding Bipolar

Roving maniac. Kind of a duh. We have a bad enough rap anyway.

Evil murderer. Same as above.

Abusive evil spouse. I mean, yeah, a bipolar person can be abusive, but they're likely abusive because they're a shitty person and bipolar is just a side effect.

Manic pixie dream girl. Don't romanticize bipolar either.

Miserable cinnamon roll. We're people, okay? Complex, multifactorial, interesting people. We're not constantly miserable.

Total trainwreck. If you're going to show someone's nervous breakdown, please please please show them when they are stable too. Please don't just distil the bipolar person down to their symptoms. Show us as who we are: complex people just like you or anyone else.

Drama magnet. Frankly, a lot of bipolar people don't want to get involved in other people's shit. We've got our own stuff going on. We're not out to wreck your life, we're just trying to get through the day.

How to Create an Authentic Bipolar Character

Do your research. Read a mixture of medical journals, stories from bipolar people, and good depictions of bipolar disorder in the media. Go beyond what I have discussed here and seek out good, peer-reviewed research.

Don't add bipolar just for shock value. Annoying and shitty. If you're thinking of making an evil cruel murdermonster, stop. We have it hard enough and you're going to make it worse.

Create the character first, then add the bipolar. Every bipolar person is different, just like every person is different. Get a feel for your character and then determine how they might act when manic or depressed.

Use an array of symptoms. Don't just go for "ooooh scary monster in the corner of my eye" because that's boring and overdone. Look through the list I provided and consider how you can fit a few of them in there.

Remember that it takes time to recover from an episode. You should not just have your character wake up one day and be cured. They will feel "off" for a while after an episode, like a very very long hangover.

Consider medication symptoms. Decide what medication they will use and then look up the symptoms. Demonstrate how this makes them feel and whether it makes them want to continue treatment.

Think about how a character feels about their bipolar. Some people don't think it's a problem because they like the energy, and others are terrified of relapsing. Some see it as a challenge to be overcome, and others find it to be a burden that they want to be rid of. And many will feel all of these at different times.

Show the impact on other characters. Remember that your other characters are seeing and reacting to this. They may be terrified, frustrated, hurt, dismissive, or not want to deal with it.

Demonstrate times of stability, too. Too many people use bipolar as an "ooooh soo sad" (especially psychosis) and don't show the character just being a normal human being.

Show the ableism bipolar people face. Yes, we do face ableism. People calling us crazy, denying us medical care, passing us up for jobs, or my very least favorite, "have you taken your meds today?" UGH SHUT UP YES I HAVE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Remember that many people are not medication compliant. Medication compliance is one of the number one indicators of whether a person will stay stable long term. If your character refuses to take their medication, then they are more likely to relapse.

People have many reasons for not accepting treatment: they don't like the way it feels, they're embarrassed, they don't see it as a problem, or they can't afford it (some of these meds can be hundreds of dollars a month even with insurance). So make sure to explain why they are medication non-compliant.

I've created a masterlist of writing resources that you can peruse at your leisure, all for free.

The posts I write can sometimes take me hours - they're always intricate, always thoughtful. This one took me about three hours to complete.

I do this as a labor of love for the writing community, sharing what I have learned from almost 15 years of creative writing.

However, if you'd like to support me, maybe you'll consider buying my book for $1.99?

9 Years Yearning is a gay coming-of-age romance set in a fantasy world. It follows Uileac Korviridi, a young soldier training at the War Academy. His primary motivations are honoring the memory of his late parents, protecting his little sister Cerie, and becoming a top-notch soldier.

However, there's a problem: Orrinir Relickim, a rough and tough fellow pupil who just can't seem to leave Uileac alone.

The book features poetry, descriptions of a beautiful country inspired by Mongolia, and a whole lot of tsundere vibes.

Oh, and horse!!! Horse love!! SO MUCH HORSE LOVE.

You can also check it out on Goodreads for a list of expanded distribution.

If you do purchase my book, don't forget to leave a review!

Reviews are vital for visibility on Amazon and help to support indie authors like me. Whenever you love a book, be sure to let the author know! It's much appreciated.

[elisefolklore]

Taylor Swift's playlists about the five stages of grief in a breakup

I made the playlists on Spotify if anyone is interested! EDIT22/04 the songs from TTPD are added in these playlists!

DENIAL. I Love You, It's Ruining My Life Songs: “This is a list of songs about getting so caught up in the idea of something that you have a hard time seeing the red flags possibly resulting in moments of denial and maybe a little bit of delusion.”

ANGER. You Don't Get to Tell Me About Sad Songs: “These songs all have one thing in common: I wrote them while feeling anger. Over the years I've learned that anger can manifest itself in a lot of different ways, but the healthiest way it can manifest itself in my life is when I can write a song about it.”

BARGAINING. Am I Allowed to Cry? Songs: “This playlist takes you through songs I've written when I was in the bargaining stage, times when you're trying to make deals with yourself or someone you care about, you're trying to make things better. You're often times feeling really desperate because oftentimes we have a gut intuition that tells us things are not going the way that we hope. Which makes us more desperate. Which makes us bargain more!"

DEPRESSION. Old Habits Die Screaming Songs: “We're going to be exploring the feelings of depression that often lace their way through my songs. In times like these, I'll write a song because I feel lonely or hopeless. And writing a song feels like the only way to process that intensity of an emotion. And while these things are really, really hard to go through, I often feel like when I'm either listening to songs or writing songs that deal with this intensity of loss and hopelessness — usually that's in the phase where I'm close to getting passed that feeling.”

ACCEPTANCE. I Can Do It With a Broken Heart Songs: “We finally find acceptance and can start moving forward from loss or heartbreak. These songs represent making room for more good in your life, making that choice. Because a lot of the time when we lose things, we gain things too.”

[system-of-a-feather]

Honestly, the thing about DID that I've come to find as a part that did an absurd amount of work during the "survival era" - literally playing caretaker, soother, primary protector, makeshift-gatekeeper, relationship mediator, and academic protector when our polyfragmented system was more or less shut down to a system of 2 with wild intrusions - and having carried us to keep a good grade during all the crisises that happened in our undergrad as we started DID-centered therapy - is that the difficulty of life with DID is honestly just very very front loaded but in turn relatively "easy" if / when you manage to survive that front loaded opening.

This isn't to say "DID makes your life easier when you get past the sheer survival phase and get to a place of stability" but more so that the sheer amount of skill and difficulty you've had to survive and grow accustomed to in order to GET to stability makes almost everything look like a bit of a joke.

It is very hard to get through that period, it is extremely painful and honestly, the unfortunate thing is that it is fatal to some - but by the time you come out on the other end.... it's almost honestly boring before it becomes peaceful with just how pathetically simple "huge stressors" are in comparison.

I've carried 500 roles all on once while trying to keep intruding parts' messes limited back when we really had to go into our denial phase of DID in late high school. I kept our grades up during active multi-level abuse and codependent friendships and so many massive crisises. I got us academically through our bachelors degree and the first 5+ years of therapy AND Covid. I've gotten up the next morning after a flight and two or three breakdowns and took an organic chemistry final and did plenty of well.

Am I genuinely supposed to be worried about a simple GRE test with only a few days notice? Of course that should be stressful, of course that should bother me, most people it should - but honestly? Compared to the absurd feats I've done in the name of survival both for myself and the system, and the absurd feats I've done in the name of flourishing - its honestly a cake walk.

At this point, as a part, very little compares to the hardest periods of our life and honestly, it both kind of leaves me under fulfilled as a part that really likes projects and working on things. It's a large reason why I've taken a lot more fun and fulfillment in watching the "kids" grow and learn things on their own and serving as an advisor / mentor when they really find themselves stuck.

My confidence and security in handling these sorts of things used to actually depress me as we got into a better life, but honestly, it's a lot more fun sitting back and being the parent to the hosts and "new generation" of parts because its both more interesting and it's honestly just really fulfilling to be able to be that safe and secure base for ourselves that we never had. And I am not meaning in the sense of a protector and caregiver - that is too over bearing and obligatory. I more so just mean like a genuine parent to fledgling birds.

The diligence and long run game of watching them flail around a bit sillily as they figure out how to fly on their own. Keeping them safe but not so much that they never learn to fend for their own. I don't know, call me old, I'm retired in this brain for the most part, but its something I really enjoy honestly.

Any how, I apologize some for the amount of times I say "honestly" and the overall formal speech, I used to joke about it being my "speech impediment" because I can't help it - but Riku and co recently found out that is ACTUALLY a speech impediment common with autism called "stilted speech" so I guess.... it unironically is my speech impediment. (/half serious /lh)

[imraespace]

‼️ before reading this i just wanna let you know i yapped so hard during this and i never realized how long this was until i started rereading im so sorry. i hope everything i said makes sense </3 ‼️

ohymogsh thank you for suggesting sae w mala by 6ix9ine bc you just gave me the most brilliant idea ever omg

ALSO OMG U ALSO EDIT/EDITED OMG YAYAYAY i wanna learn how to do like yk those complex transitions w them cubes and all that bc they look so cool but im so scared ill mess them up and its gonna look so bummy 💔

I ANIMATE/TWEEN AS WELL but i use the term animate more bc the term tweening reminds me of gacha life tweening tutorial and my gacha phase was something thats for sure..!

im lowkey considering to like stop editing and start writing stories or create smaus because it takes so long to animate and i cant really do anything else except a simple zoom in/out ☹️

ive been trying to tween this one kaiser fanart and i never realized how bad kaisers hair was until i was erasing each layer of hair for 12 hours AND IM STILL SOMEHOW NOT DONE?? I STARTED THIS ABOUT A MONTH AGO TOO. i have beef w ness now cuz he couldve just gave this guy a bob cut and my life would have been so much easier >:(

i apologize that i never stop talking bc once i start talking about something im interested in i just somehow never stop BUT IM GLAD WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON OTHER THAN OUR LOVE OF BLUELOCK !!

- 🐙

LMAO ITS OKAY once i start yapping i cant stop as well

ALSO YIPPEE IM GLAD YOU LIKED IT!!

ABT THE COMPLEX TRANSITIONS I REALLY WANNA LEARN THOSE AS WELL i went looking at my old edits and realized i didnt even have a certain style it was all over the place LMAO i mostly edit during my genshin phase and i swear one day it was a cute yoimiya edit then next it was a depressing albedo edit that looks wayy different..

i say you should do what you want to rn like i had fun editing for while until i got bored then randomly i made a book on wattpad and it was fun to do so now im here writing for fun! ive gotten the feeling to edit a few times before but i realized how TIME CONSUMING IT IS LIKE WITH WHAT YOU SAID WITH KAISER IT TOOK ME A WHOLE MONTH TO MAKE A WHOLE EDIT WITH JUST TWEENING.

and DONT GET ME STARTED ON WHEN YOU FINISHED CROPPING THE INDIVIDUAL PARTS AND PLACE IT IN THE EDITING APP you realized you missed something out or theres a noticeable spot you forgot to hide(esp for the hair) it makes me wanna just delete everything

i think ness was feeling a bit goofy when he did kaiser haircut bc his rat tails in the back of his head is kinda funny.. i wouldve just made kaiser bald and do the edit just like that for funsies

ALSO SAMEE i cant stop talking if its something im interested in AND YIPEPE WE GOT TWO(hehehe three if you count our non stop blabbering) IN COMMON

whatever you choose to do with the editing or writing just have fun with it and you can always go back to the other one if you want!

WAIT I FORGOT TO SAY THIS HELP I HAD A GACHA PHASE AS WELL I HAD A YT CHANNEL AND SADLY I DELETED EVERYTHING BC I WANTED TO WATCH MY CRINGE VIDEOS BUT ITS ALL GONE. but ya!

[swiftiesneversaydie]

Special thanks to the owner of these Spotify playlists! She doesn’t have a tumblr but she’s the real MVP!

DENIAL: I Love You It’s Ruining My Life

Taylor Swift on "I Love You, It's Ruining My Life" type of songs:

"This is a list of songs about getting so caught up in the idea of something that you have a hard time seeing the red flags possibly resulting in moments of denial and maybe a little bit of delusion"

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1KqmY1Hv5leQETf8BKNwtz?si=zA3xej2_Suu46b8PMjlVfA&pi=a-CLFbkDtfRBuL

ANGER: You Don’t Get To Tell Me About Sad

Taylor Swift for ‘You Don't Get to Tell Me About Sad’ playlist:

“These songs all have one thing in common. I wrote them while feeling anger. Over the years, I've learned that anger can manifest itself in a lot of different ways but the healthiest way that it manifests itself in my life is when I can write a song about it and then oftentimes that helps me get past it”

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/63nKIceSXlVf03f0jR6Isd?si=zqTUN1e8T0-maECQUawt1Q&pi=a-sXsoWCCIS0O_

BARGAINING: Am I Allowed to Cry?

Taylor Swift for ‘Am I Allowed to Cry’ playlist

“This playlist takes you through the songs that I've written when I was in the bargaining stage. Times when, you know, you're trying to make deals with yourself or someone that you care about. You're trying to make things better. You're often times feeling really desperate because often times, we have a sort of gut intuition that tells us things are not gonna to go the way that we hope which makes us more desperate, which makes us bargain more.”

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/74khdfTwZ1dZpMtvI944Rj?si=vWdrzaxRQ7W2vDLR7zpE9Q&pi=a-m1qHAo5_QRmz

DEPRESSION: Old Habits Die Screaming

Taylor Swift for “Old Habits Die Screaming” playlist on Apple Music:

“Where we're going to be exploring the feelings of depression. That often lace their way through my songs. In times like these, I'll write a song because I feel lonely or hopeless. And writing a song feels like the only way to process that intensity of an emotion. And while these things are really, really hard to go through. I often feel like when I'm either listening to songs. Or writing songs that deal with this intensity of loss and hopelessness. Usually that's in the phase where I'm close to getting passed that feeling.”

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2K2aKPrNmGxJ5u2x7Ie5fv?si=uwELxqE1SpOWCw7DwIDIlA&pi=a-9-yozIiTSYiB

ACCEPTANCE: I Can Do It With A Broken Heart

Taylor Swift for ‘I Can Do It With A Broken Heart" playlist’

“Where we finally find acceptance and can start moving forward from loss or heartbreak. These songs represent making room for more good in your life making that choice because a lot of time when we lose things we gain things too”

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4S4UiYbLiNDW76MWBjY7of?si=HSuu-tIGQ8yDljXACpu1Hg&pi=a-tYeYsfvXQqKz

[designernishiki]

I saw your post where you said something like «Kiryu and Mayumi slept in the same bed for six months» and... I kina doubt it. This bed is too small for two people, it hardly accommodates Kiryu, given his size. So she was probably either sleeping on the floor or sleeping somewhere else.

For some reason I always thought that she didn't live with him at all, just came there from time to time. If you look at the apartment where Kiryu lives, you can see that there are only his things there and no other things. And I don't remember exactly, but Mayumi's profile at the beginning of the game says something like «she's disappointed that their relationship won't get off the ground» or something like that. So, yes, the poor girl was desperate for him while he was in his le gay depression phase.

okay so I was waiting to answer this until I started legit playing 5 so I could have a bit more context and whatnot and now I have done that and hdhxjcjdjv boy do I have a lot of thoughts. warning: this is kinda long.

so I can clarify now that– yeah– they weren’t actually living together technically, she would just come over a lot and spend the night there regardless of his opinion on it (which typically was “you should go home” or “you should stay at your own place for once” no im not just being mean, those are both almost word-for-word). she does have slippers there by the door that denote she’s there often, but his apartment’s pretty barren overall, which to me says less about her being around or not, and more about him probably only going home when he needs to sleep or runs out of things to do, not hanging around there much otherwise– he’s got no books, no radio, nothing. just an ashtray on the table. It’s safe to say it’s not a place he enjoys being in.

And yeah, it’s bizarre how many people say “kiryu had a girlfriend for six months” despite her profile and kiryu himself in dialogue stating… kind of the opposite? ie; that they were not a couple, kiryu was disinterested in her, and their lack of a relationship/kiryu’s lack of interest was frustrating to her. She was never his girlfriend despite her giving her all to get him to budge, and that’s kind of an important part of the dynamic.

(here’s her character profile for reference.)

As for the bed thing… honestly I’ve got no idea how that worked. cause you’re totally right, that bed is SMALL– relatively small for kiryu alone let alone two people, and she wasn’t legit living there so obviously she didn’t have her own room or anything. so my bet’s either that there was a futon that could be rolled out, since that’s pretty common in japan, or that she slept kinda cuddled up close to him and he just sort of laid there stiffly not really sure what to do about it– probably wearing him down with the good ol “well there’s only one bed and I wouldn’t want either of us to have to sleep on the floor…” one night, and she took that and ran with it from then on. either way, also of note, whenever she was around (or could show up at any time) he wore a full sweatsuit, even while in bed. yeah you could blame it on it being winter and all, but come on man who he hell wears a sweatshirt and sweatpants to bed. I think he was just genuinely uncomfortable with the idea of being unclothed in close quarters with her.

it seems like he wasn’t sleeping much in the first place anyway, so I don’t doubt he’d end up slipping away and falling asleep either on the floor or at the table or whatever at times. we know he’s not a big fan of being touched and cuddled or whatever when he doesn’t want it/by almost anyone, so I think it’d just be an ongoing losing battle between not wanting to be too harsh or rude, and preserving his own comfort and boundaries. as an autistic guy who’s particular about his sleeping conditions and necessary privacy myself, it kind of sounds like a nightmare not gonna lie.

anywho. I don’t wanna sound too negative towards mayumi as a character or anything, but it’s pretty straightforward that she was imposing on him quite a bit and did go beyond his boundaries at a time when he was especially emotionally vulnerable– and he let her in because she was in a place of vulnerability, at least so he thought. there’s plot reasons for her persistence in being there to an extent, and maybe that’s why she didn’t take the very very obvious hint that he was not interested in her and not just playing hard to get (is it really a hint when he tells her directly to her face? whatever you get it)

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

I think I have an idea for a short story or maybe a novelette or novella. (probably not a novelette, bc those aren't really a thing these days). It's based on these intense dreams I had as a kid.

It's a little long, so I'm going put it under a thingy.

So, like as a teenager I used to have these weird dreams. They started when I was 15. They were prevalent all through out high school, though they became less and less common the older I got. I think the last dream I had was around 20/21ish.

In these dreams I was always in this black void. Or standing on the shore of some beach at night, when it was pitch black and the only light came from the moon and stars--in those dreams I was always reaching for something, but I don't know what. Anyway that was the setting for the dream.

The dream itself consisted of this man. He was beautiful, in an ethereal sort of way. Black hair, black eyes (just the pupil and the iris, he still had the whites of his eyes), pale white skin. Like really pale. And covered in this long black cloak that hid his body. I can't remember much of his face, but I think he had sharp features. And angular? I think there were prominent cheekbones, but I'm not sure.

And he would talk to me. At first it was a bit scary, what with the black void and all. At first from a distance. Telling me things like he'd been watching over me. So naturally, I was like, what? who are you, and that's creepy. He never did give me a name to call him that I can remember.

I would dream of him often, and he would tell me things like how one day, he'd come and take me away. Usually in these dreams, we'd be a distance apart. The distance got smaller with time; all the while he's telling me that he's coming to take me away. He doesn't tell me where or why, though sometimes he would say, to a better place. He'd say that he's watching over me, and will keep me safe.

Eventually we get to standing an arms length apart. (Which is my preferred distance for most people, tbh. I hate being touched, and I don't like people in my personal bubble.) He'd tell me that he'd come for me when I was ready. At one point, he said that I had to choose to come with him.

Dream me was very conflicted. Because I was scared of this dude, but also drawn to him. (It wasn't anything romantic or sexual. I just had this sense of yearning, like if I went with him then I could finally be free.)

Then the dreams changed. He started telling me to come to him. He would get closer now, close but never touching. He'd stand behind me and whisper in my ear for me to come to him. And I was always half afraid, half tempted. Because he'd promise a world where he could protect me from pain, where I could finally belong.

The ocean dreams started next. I could hear his voice, calling me for me to come to him. Except it wasn't from any one area, it was from everywhere and directly inside my brain. And he wasn't there anymore. But there was something--I could never remember what it was after waking up--far out into the ocean, something I knew i had to reach. That if I reached it, everything would be alright. That everything would be better. But I never could reach it in my dreams, it was too far away for to swim and reach. Sometimes when I tried, the ocean would become tempestuous, and I'd get caught up, struggling to keep forward, but never making it.

(And like, I'm pretty sure that was just some coping method my teenage mind cooked up to deal with the undiagnosed depression and anxiety. And the suicidal ideation. Like, I can remember this moment from when I was 16. I was sitting on my floor, on this awful dusty rose colored carpet that I hated, and had always hated, even though I picked it out, bc I went through a pink phase a few years earlier. I didn't really like pink all that much. I actually hated it, at the time, because to me it represented all the ways of being a girl that I couldn't be. It was feminine and girly, and all the things I wasn't. But I had to look normal, right? I had to be like other girls, so know one would know something was wrong with me, that I wasn't normal. And I was just there, tying my shoes, when the thought hit me. I was going to kill myself someday. I didn't know when, but I had this stark clarity that it was the way I was going to die. Bc one day I would get tired, too tired to keep doing this. And that it would be ok, bc I could go out on my own terms, that I would be the one in control of my death. I can't explain how that moment felt. It was like an epiphany for me. So yeah, I was probably real fucked up in the head.)

But I think it could make for a good story. We have a girl who struggles to feel like she belongs anywhere, who feels like there's a wall of glass between her and the world, like she's something other and has to pretend to be a person. Then there's this man (probably some type of supernatural/mythical/fantasy/etc. creature) who tells her he can take her somewhere better. Maybe make it a romance, because people dig romance. He visits her in her dreams, and she slowly falls in love with him. He could be a hero, or he could be a villain she has to defeat. The dreams stop. For years and years. Then something happens that triggers them to come back.

And then I would actually have to think of a plot and shit. It could be an allegory for death. Or obsession. Maybe the dream man is real, or maybe our heroine is crazy. I could leave it up to interpretation. Or I could straight up make him a creature. Idk yet.

[one-abuse-survivor]

hey there, milky way anon back after almost a year 🌌

a lot of stuff has happened since last december, i had a therapist for a while although i kind of lost touch after i was away over the summer holidays, a very toxic relationship happened for something over a month (i ended up there because i struggled with saying no), my other important relationship is still committed and holding up, i've reconnected a lot with a person who i got to know a few years ago and then promptly lost touch with because it left school and i didn't have its number back then, and who apparently had some very serious medical issues in between then and now so i'm glad it's still alive and around, and especially that i've motivated it to join the team with whom i play my most favorite absurd sport with.

i've also worked a lot on myself, and come to terms with some stuff concerning sexuality and relationships.

i've found (at least) two people who i really look up to, one of them i know personally and he'd probably be overwhelmed if he knew how much of a positive kind of father figure he's become for me ever since i first met him last march despite us only meeting every few months (he does the same sport but in a different team but we've played a bunch of tournaments in the same mixed team recently) and i've learnt a lot of stuff from him, on one hand things related to the sport (i learnt how to play an entirely new position just from him at the few tournaments we've met at and he's been a real pleasure to play that position with and he's probably one of the people who i play the best and easiest with), and the other is a celebrity who just shares a lot of my mindsets and opinions on things and has had to work through a lot of things similar to what i'm going through/went through and how he's handled that is definitely helping get a lot of new insights

honestly just thinking about it those two people have probably done more good things for my psyche in that year than my parents have in my life as far back as i can remember, especially when it comes to general kind of wisdoms, which are offered without heaps of judgement and non-constructive criticism first and are a lot more understandable, applicable and down-to-earth than what my parents would give me

i've also noticed in that time that i stutter, and that i do it a lot and that it's mostly because my mouth can't keep up with my thoughts, because they are too fast and mostly a strange linguistic mashup of english, german and whatever else. i've also noticed that it's a thing my parents like to make fun of.

and yes, seasonal depression is a bitch and i would not wish this fall i had on anybody but i am fighting back hard this time, surrounding myself with people who i share a mutual respect with and whose company i enjoy. i think i've learnt a lot about myself and my emotional needs and how i can fulfill them better to give this fall's depressive phases a lot less ground to stand on

and lastly, i am now in my last year of school, i think overall i have probably around 15 weeks of school left until finals and graduation which i am really excited but also very stressed and anxious about. especially because i'm terrified of the future because i never expected myself to get that far and actually have one and going on to the end of school i need to start planning what i'll do afterwards

thank you a lot for existing, thank you for taking the time and spoons to read through all those asks you're receiving and carefully replying to them, thank you for being someone i can appreciate and respect as much as i do

Hi again!!! Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad to be here and to be able to help 🥰

I really hope your graduation went well! And I hope the future feels a little bit less scary now. It's really common to feel that way when you've gone through trauma as a kid and teen. I personally also used to think I'd never make it past 18. It can be incredibly hard to build a life that you never planned to live, and to find your footing and feel like you're in control instead of spiralling wildly and always tripping over your own feet. But it really does get better with time. I'm rooting for you, nonnie ❤️

I'm glad to hear you've found some role models that help you navigate life and learn new things. I think the fact that abused and neglected teens still need safe adults and role models and tend to look for them outside of the house isn't talked about enough. It can go well if they find adults who are actually safe and want what's best for them, or if they find celebrities or even fictional characters to rely on. But with real people it can sometimes go badly, because they can take advantage or they can put space between you, which can feel like parental abandonment all over again. I hope these role models have continued to have a positive impact in your life!

Also, I'm so glad you managed to reconnect with an old friend, and that it was okay! What it went through sounds pretty scary :(

You don't deserve for your parents to make fun of you for stuttering. That's not okay. And I'm so glad you've been able to listen to your emotional needs and meet them. That's not always an easy thing to accomplish, and you really deserve to be proud of yourself for that.

Sending a big hug your way. Hope things are going well! ❤️

[defsoullr]

i wanna post but idk what to post so i will make a compilation of my recent Thoughts

people never follow my advice so i may as well stop giving any.

seriously i need to be paid for the amount of advice i try to give (that people dont even FOLLOW)

if it hasn't been done yet, an app made for writing that works like whatsapp would actually be good. sort of mirroring that feeling when you're roleplaying or simply delivering crazy stories to your friend. each new text is a story part. this may encourage me to write more since i'm breaking it up into less daunting, smaller texts. i'm even considering making a groupchat with just myself so i can really give it a try. the only problem is that i wouldn't be able to edit the previous texts i sent.

the day i learned about that one book that's designed to make you fall asleep- it's an entire- thick- book that is sold to make you sleep. it has a page full of words about sleep and their definitions, a page full of swirling text that makes your eyes tired- it's full of good stuff. now, some perspective comes in right here: to be honest, this is so far from what i get in mind when i think about publishing a book. but, like, it is a book. a book is not just a story, not just a study- it can be that simple, it can be about anything, i can write about anything. relevance is so wildly subjective... on that note, it is simply cruel to sit here and think to myself "i'd love to publish a book but i probably can't because it takes too much time." because that's a bit of a restrictive way of thinking, isn't it? a book can be anything, really. lighten up on that regard.

geniuses are severely outnumbered by regular people, and this keeps me up at night. if this world is being managed by anyone, i'd like the geniuses to be doing it. not the oligarchical power monopolies claiming to be something else (democracy... totally "elected" by democracy).

everything going on inside my head is true- just, at different time intervals. love life, peace all around, chaotic absurdism? yes, when i'm on That Phase of my cycle. everything is wrong, we need to burn society and rebuild it, i wanna run off into the woods? also yes, when i'm on That Other Phase of my cycle. i'm not either of these ideologies, i have both of them within me. not all answers need to be clear and easy.

i constantly get this ridiculous craving where i want to have 20 years of experience in something but i'm not even 20 yet.

every bad outcome starts with a habit, and i could be forming one of those habits at any given day. for something like excessive depression, weight or overall health issues- any day could be my day 1. looming anxiety and fear...

but also, every good outcome starts with a habit! today could be the day 1 of something i'll be so grateful for in the future. it's all good! here comes the train of optimism and hope

now why is there a rise in... anti intellectualism. i just can't stand the suddenly common distaste over long text. how about we start treating academics a little better? what is with this surge of people saying they hate reading long text, hate reading anything at all, hate deeper dives into any concept ever; how are people confidently- with their whole chest- saying that they hate intellectual conversations? why is being (proudly) dumb becoming a... a trend? an actual trend? it even has a name! what i said in the beginning, anti intellectualism, is what it is called- it's relevant enough to be named! oh DEAR i am losing my marbles

yes i had to open google translate a couple of times while typing this thread because english sure is a language, and i also had the dictionary open because i don't trust my brain sometimes. it's usually saying things. i'd like to spew minimum nonsense if i can

i wonder how many rants i have in me in this given moment. ngl, 12 is an impressive number. not impressive if we consider the amount of argumentative thoughts i actually have on a daily basis, but impressive considering how forgetful i can be.

i think this is a good number to finish on. also, i am starting another busy period in college tomorrow and i am super not ready. i need to pull out an actual journal and write some stuff just to ease my nerves. find solid ground again, because i feel like i'm just drifting to places at this point. let's not let life run its course, or at least pretend to intervene, because i need to feel in control again. having some faint idea on how the next week will look like, definitely helps.

won't read and edit this lol, imagine actually reading this again. i ain't reading all that (!)

[natalietsthoughts]

When did I know? That’s a question I get asked a lot. It’s also a question I ask myself a lot. My answer to that has always been vague, that’s because I don’t really know myself.

There is also another factor to consider

The difference between knowing, understanding and acceptance.

I am a firm believer that at least at some level I have always known. I actually think that if transgender was more common and accepted growing up. If someone sat down and talked to me about it. If it was something people actually looked for in children. Then I would of transitioned at a young age.

When I understood those feelings I had. It was obvious to me. When I look back I think how could I have missed it? I remember wishing I was a girl when I was little. I remember thinking about it in primary school and high school. It just never occurred to me that actually becoming a women was a possibility.

It was almost seen as a phase. Something you would grow out of.

For most of my 20s I was heavily depressed sometimes even borderline suicidal. I lost a lot of myself in those days. A lot of who you are disappears into the background. I lived day to day not caring about anything.

It was during my late 20s and into my early thirties. (I am 32 as of time of writing) that started to come out of my depression. I moved back out of home. I found a job, started to enjoy my hobbies again. It was during this time, when I was starting to discover myself again that such feelings started to resurface. At first I tried to push it aside. Tried not to think about it. I didn’t want to accept it and made excuses.

At this stage I knew and I understood but I couldn’t accept. Things went back and forth for a bit after that. I spent a lot of time and lost a lot of sleep thinking about it. Did I really want to be a women?

Now this is one of the parts I’m not sure about, I’m not sure when it happened but it did. I stopped thinking about if I wanted to be a women and started thinking more in terms of the consequences of becoming one. I started think that yes I did want to be a woman, but is that something I am willing to do? To me it was still up in the air. I wasn’t sure. It was depressing.

I was uncertain and confused. I was confused about my gender, identity and sexuality. But at some point I just had enough, I had started to talk to people at that point, online mostly but I did meet a few in person. At first I did this as a man that liked crossdressing. But that made me depressed. It wasn’t me. It was fake and a lie. It then I realised something. The way I thought about myself had changed. Most of the guys and a few girls I spoke to spoke to me like I was a guy. I hated it. But a few people spoke to me as if I was a woman. I always found myself feeling happy when they did and then someone said it.

They told me you are a woman. They told me I was an amazing, beautiful woman. I never met this person. I don’t know their name. I never saw their face. But that person changed my life. From that moment I started to think in when not if. I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. I never had feelings for this person. They weren’t a friend or a lover. They were just a stranger I briefly spoke to online. But they changed my life. Thank you for that.

Thanks to that I ended up deleting or remaking many of my social media accounts or dating apps. It was thanks to that I met a friend. Someone who is also transgender. They are only just beginning their journey into womanhood like myself and are a lovely, kind woman.

I also met someone else. I have spoken about her a few times. She is incredible, I can’t wait until I get to met her in person. She occasionally reads this so I don’t want to get too embarrassing. But she is. Well I haven’t met her yet but she makes me feel special. I want her in my life. It might not work out that way. I might not ever get that far. For all I know. she might just stop speaking to me at any moment. Got a bit off topic here. I don’t plan these out in advance or anything so they can obviously go off on a bit of a walk about.

So anyway. The way I felt when I decided. It’s hard to describe. I really hate describing this way, but it was like a weight had been lifted. The flog had been cleared. I felt happy, relieved and absolutely terrified.

But I will not change my mind, I will not ran away. I am a woman. I am special and I am beautiful. I am still me and will always be me. This will not change my past. I will be proud of who I was and will not regret what I have experienced while living as a man or growing up as a boy. It’s all part of me and I will use it to grow into a stronger and better person.

I am Natalie. I am a transgender woman. I am strong. I am beautiful. You better be ready world, for here I come and I’m not turning back.

[sainzers]

THE FINAL GAMBIT SPOILER!!!

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i think this is my favorite moment between grayson and avery despite how angsty it is. i don't really like reading angsty or sad moments in books but ill let this one pass and make it my favorite.

because everything came down to this moment. all the build up from the first book, the little things they find attractive about one another, how they care about each other, and all the moments they share together- it all came down to this.

there's no way they're not in love with one another. but maybe they feel a different type of love. or maybe avery just loves jameson a lot little bit more because i do believe people can outlove (?) some other people.

but im not here to complain about the ending, even though i am team grayson and will root for the man until the end of this, because i do think avery is meant for jameson. they bound to fall in love guys. they're literally right there, together. all the glittery and sparkling feelings from solving the puzzles and riddles together are what they live for. they're meant to be and i can't think about avery and grayson getting together.

in terms about character development, jameson definitely gone through it the most. i don't need to elaborate on that because it's classic/common one for a male main character. but grayson also went through a path of his own character development from his guilt and depressive phase after the tragedy with emily to slowly moving on to avery even though it's a one sided love. that's one hell of a journey on its own.

jameson is good at distracting himself while grayson is too good at putting a wall up around him.

i hate love triangle but since it's a mystery book it doesn't strongly suggest the trope as one of the main plot until this third book. the way it's written just doesn't give it away as much but you're very aware of it. that being said, every little moments between avery and either grayson and jameson, just feel a lot more enthralling. so i did enjoy reading it.

one last thing, i really love the first paragraph i annotated in this part because loving an idea of someone is very common, i think. we already have our own impression of other person when we first met them so might as well develop a whole love for said person after the sweet moments we spent together. it does happen and it's scary because people are unpredictable and after loving an idea of that person for a long time, a response to that may go one way or another. unless you truly and wholeheartedly love said person for who they are and maybe you can hope for them to reciprocate the feeling.

and for grayson to confess his feelings to avery and accepting her not reciprocating his, is very gut-wrenching and heartbreaking to witness. but as i already said before, we all saw it coming from miles away. it's just a matter of getting the words out in the air and settling it down for some sort of closure for them.

so yes i detest this moment but also relish it for what it is.

[astrojoy]

Moon Dominant Culture

🔵 Needs an aesthetic or cozy home to feel secure and emotionally stable

🔵 The traditional/ideal mom/father

🔵 Might be the one to not be able to punish their kid

🔵 Super protective

🔵 Emotion over logic

🔵 Treats family and friends as if they're their own

🔵 More prone to alchaholism

🔵 Super caring and comforting

🔵 Probably went through an emo phase

🔵 If they grew up in a harsh household then it really took a toll on them

🔵 Moon water could help heal these people or work extremely well in spells

🔵 Extremely high intuition

🔵 Would be talented in the arts

🔵 The grandma/grandpa to bake cookies for their grandchildren/nephews

🔵 "Have you eaten yet? Are you sad? Come here let's talk about it 🥺"

🔵 May have a round face

🔵 Soft skin/body

🔵 Gets drained easily

🔵 Need alone time with a glass of tea to rejuvenate

🔵 Sleep can really help these folk

🔵 Cuddles!

🔵 Baths and showers is a major healing factor too!

🔵 Look young for their age or they will just age slower physically!

🔵 Looking at the moon with some music will be super soothing

🔵 Emotionally fragile when young, emotionally strong when grown up

🔵 Can be totally moody if someone gets on their bad side. For females they might laugh, cry, and everything in between during their period. Sometimes they might feel super relaxed though

🔵 Anyone can come to you with their problems

🔵 Extremely sensitive to the environment

🔵 The therapists/counselors/healers/nurses

🔵 If you're in a bad mood, then their in a bad mood

🔵 Oily skin is very common with these people. A lot of them were definitely acne prone during teen years

🔵 If your parent ever came home annoyed and asks why you had an attitude, it's because of their own emotions they brought home

🔵 More easily prone to depression

🔵 When their mad - "WHERES MY SNUGGIE AND HOT CHOCOLATE??" 😡

🔵 Not all of these people have bad cramps during periods

🔵 If they grew up spoiled, then they can be way more moody in general

🔵 Could have been considered quiet at school in their younger years

🔵 They have an easier time being themselves when they're home

🔵 The 4th house is important in their charts in some way

🔵 Love animals so so much

🔵 The silent cryers during sad movies

🔵 This placement reminds me of a parent making their kids school lunch and saying "Have a nice day at school!"

🔵 A lot of people with this don't want to have children. Not all but a good bit

🔵 Less prone to cheating. Would rather break up before it ever comes down to that

🔵 Either really close to there mom or not close at all

🔵 Possibly has more feminine friends

[beyondspaceandstars]

The Wounded

Relationship: Steve Rogers x Reader [Dating], Bucky Barnes x Reader [Platonic] Warnings: mantions of kidnapping, slight depictions of PTSD, angst Summary: After you survive a kidnapping that ends up affecting you in ways you and Steve never anticipated, you turn to Bucky for comfort leaving Steve confused and insecure. A/N: alright this is an older one I had sitting on my computer i felt like uploading but very sorry for the lack of content! I am currently dealing with finals but this is my last year so fingers crossed i’ll have more time after this! Still, please enjoy this, I remember really enjoying writing it :)

Masterlist

You shot up in bed suddenly, praying your eyes would adjust to the pitch black darkness of your bedroom fast enough to ease your brain. As your heart raced and sides ached with bruises, you took in your surroundings finally.

You were in your bed, your boyfriend Steve sleeping peacefully next to you. You knew this in your brain but your heart didn’t. It still raced relentlessly, just a haunting reminder of your latest nightmare.

The nightmares always had the same theme. They always seemed to circle back to your troubling and scarring kidnapping you had suffered just a few weeks ago. It was a devastating ploy by some equally devastating men to get to your boyfriend. The abduction didn’t last very long — just about a week in some musty, dirty cell being kicked around — but the scars it left on your brain where so much deeper than you had ever realized until recently.

The physical abuse was bad but the bruises and cuts were healing just fine. It was the mental and emotional games they played that was going to take longer to ease. The words were haunting and they followed you in every crevasse of your brain, typically leaving you running on a couple of hours a sleep. It was a cruel routine: go to bed safe and sound, find peace for two hours, wake up in a cold sweat, watch mindless TV in the common area until breakfast.

Here we go, you thought as you made your way out of the bed. Steve was still undisturbed, in a peaceful dream sleep, typically unaware of your absence. The few times he had caught on you rushed him back to bed, claiming you just wanted a midnight snack. He never questioned it but his eyes always told you he wasn’t convinced. You ignored it — you just couldn’t tell him. The guilt he carried about your kidnapping was unbelievable. You worked so hard to convince him you were alright, it wasn’t ever his fault, and that the wounds were healing because you couldn’t bare to see those eyes in such a miserable state.

It really wasn’t a total lie — the wounds were swell and you wouldn’t dare to blame him for something not in his control — but then the nightmares started. The daunting voice began chiming in. The depression… the anxiety… the fear… it all came at once so unexpectedly.

You tugged on your fluffy robe along with your slippers and made your way to the kitchen. As you rounded the corner you were stunned to see the kitchen light already on. Peaking your head in, your eyes fell on Bucky who was situated at the kitchen island  snacking on some chips.

You stared, unsure of whether you should head to the living room and venture into the kitchen. No one had ever been up with you before and if they did, they never made themselves known.

"I can feel you staring, Y/N."

Bucky’s rough voice brought you out of your ridiculous phase. You sighed and made your way to the fridge.

"What are you doing up?" You asked, grabbing a carton of vanilla ice cream along with a spoon and making your way to the island. You stood opposite of him, watching and waiting for a reply as he crunched on the chips.

"Isn’t this the time you always get up?"

His question stunned you. Holding his intense stare, you placed your spoon on the counter next to the ice cream. Suddenly, your stomach was in a knot. Maybe a part of you didn’t want anyone to know what was going on.

"I just wanted a snack," You gave your go-to spiel but the ex-assassin wasn’t buying one bit of it.

"Every night?" Bucky scoffed. "Probably should eat a bigger dinner, then."

You rolled your eyes as he gave you his know-it-all smirk. You loved Bucky really —totally loved his company and all that — he had been such a great friend to you and so inviting but no matter what, without a fail, he could always pick up on anything that was off. Steve, of course, could see right through you but he always gave you the benefit of the doubt. He was gentler with you, never wanting to pry or upset you, and you were so thankful for that. But Bucky didn’t give a shit — if something was wrong he was gonna find out one way or another.

"Why are you up?" You repeated your initial question, getting a bit fed up with this now. He stalled your question and reached for more chips. You sighed in annoyance and opened the ice cream carton, digging into the creamy deliciousness.

"Something’s up with you," Bucky finally answered. His voice was a bit softer and way less cocky. Hearing someone express they saw you weren’t okay nearly had you in tears. You shoveled more ice cream in your mouth, staring down at the granite counter.

You shook your head. "Just wanted a snack."

"Jesus Christ, Y/N." Bucky groaned. "Come on, don’t make this hard." You placed your spoon in the carton, pushing it to the side. You fiddled with your nails as thoughts and feelings swarmed in your brain. It couldn’t hurt for someone to know, right?

"Nightmares," You spoke softly, voice cracking ever so slightly. "Just some bad nightmares."

"The kidnapping," He whispered. You saw his fists clinch at the mention of it. Your kidnapping had shocked everyone. They all had their own way of handling it but usually it was just a lot of confusion. You weren’t some hero. You didn’t have magical power or a fancy training. You were just a nurse who bandaged up the heroes when they came back. Even with dating Steve, no one expected you to be a casualty.

"It’s really messing with my brain," The words were rough to get out but once they were out there, you felt a new freedom. A weight you never realized was so heavy was being lifted so carelessly with words.

Bucky just nodded and waited for you to continue.

From then on, your nightly routine was no longer a lonesome thing. Bucky began joining you every night with snacks and a therapy session. It felt easy to talk with him about it especially since he understood. He didn’t have to pretend to know how you felt — he had felt it all, too. He got what being captive was like, how the mental manipulation went, how strong the effects of it all could be… You for once didn’t feel crazy. But most importantly — someone knew. Like really knew. And you were immensely grateful.

It seemed to be helping as well. You knew when the thoughts got rough, you could just spew it all out. You could talk about what exactly had happened to you without fear of being looked at differently. The whole thing was like breathing fresh air. You could even sometimes fall back asleep on the couch which now put your sleeping time up to four glorious hours.

The nightly chats really put your daytime spirits back up. So much so, Steve was getting a little suspicious. While he was so relieved you seemed to be doing better, the steps you took to get there were still a mystery to him and you could tell he was curious. When you’d join him in your shared room at the end of the day, he’d ask more questions about what you had done through the day. It was almost like he wanted a play-by-play and you did your best to comply.

It wasn’t until a week or so later that he started catching on to you leaving in the middle of the night. Without knowing it, he had used all his might to stay up one night to see if something was going on. You didn’t appear to be doing anything but work during the day so something must’ve been happening in the night — and that’s when his mind wandered. The thoughts of what could be helping you started to get a little unpleasant.

It was a random Tuesday night and you were on the couch with Bucky eating some pretzels. He was sitting up right while you were laying on the couch, legs thrown over his lap. You were going on about how your nightmares had gotten weaker when unexpected foot steps halted your words.

"What’s this?" The unmistakably strong voice of your boyfriend boomed through the living room. You scrambled to sit up, throwing pretzels all over the coffee table. Both stunned and unsure, you and Bucky stared at Steve. His demeanor was hard, his face unamused, and his eye said he was ready for a fight.

"Steve, babe, what-," You fumbled for your words, trying your best to reason. He hadn’t caught you two doing anything but his energy was so startling it made you unexplainably scared.

"What? What am I doing up? What are you doing up?" He marched towards the couch. Hesitantly, you stood up to face him. Bucky stayed seated, looking at you both with a slight expression of annoyance. He knew how possessive his best friend could get but this felt excessive.

"Just wanted a snack-,"

"Don’t bullshit me," Steve growled, taking an intimidating step towards you. You jumped at the harshness. Sure, you guys had had disagreements before but this was entirely new.

"I… I’m not… Steve-,"

Steve took a deep breath.

"Y/N," His voice got deeper. It was slightly too calm compared to his attitude just seconds before. "Tell me why you’re up at night sneaking around with my best friend."

"Sneaking around?!" You gasped. "Steve, that is not-,"

"OH, IT’S NOT?" Steve’s voice boomed throughout the common area. Even a watching Bucky jumped at the noise.

You quickly backed away from him, completely scared beyond belief. His eyes were harsh, his entire demeanor fuming with anger. You had never seen anything like this from him and it started to bring up the memories you worked so hard to heal from.

"Steve, man, take it down a notch…" Bucky finally stood from the couch and placed his hands on Steve’s shoulder.

Steve flinched back, nearly ready to throw one at Bucky, but something in him clicked. He lowered his hand and took a few deep breaths. Coming to his senses, he looked at you and saw the absolute horror on your face. He had never seen you look at him like that and it broke him into a million pieces.

"I… just… what the hell is going on?" Steve meant for it to come out nicer, but the harshness was yet to leave him and his tone. You started rubbing your hands together, a nervous tick you’ve had forever. Bucky tried to get you to stop when he noticed your movements, but Steve’s cold glare wouldn’t let him anywhere near you.

"I can’t sleep anymore," you said, breaking the silence with a much more powerful voice than you intended. You didn’t know you had the strength. "Ever since… I can’t sleep. I keep having these nightmares and Bucky’s been helping."

Steve scoffed, "Helping?"

Bucky rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest. Now you were getting weary of both super soldiers.

"We sit up talking," Bucky explained. "It helps her… well both of us, really, to talk, watch TV… anything."

"And you didn’t tell me this because…?" Steve asked, pointing his attention back on you. When his eyes met yours, a shiver went down your spine as his cold gaze. You sighed, realizing the gig was up.

"God, Steve, I didn’t wanna worry you!" You exclaimed. "The last thing you need is a girlfriend with PTSD. You go through enough shit and I just didn’t wanna pile it on."

The admission sat in the air heavily around you three. Bucky looked relieve you finally said something but Steve’s eyes just held so much confusion. Personally, you felt so much weight coming off you. You thought you’d never have to tell him, assumed everything would sort itself out, but no, you finally spoke up.

"Honey," Steve sighed with sudden tears forming in his eyes. "You didn’t… You shouldn’t have done that, you know you can tell me anything, right?"

You nodded, "Steve it was just so scary. I didn’t know what to do. Bucky was just there and he got it and would just sit up with me and-,"

"Alright, hon," Steve cut you off and made his way closer. Thankfully, you didn’t flinch away. "I understand and I’m glad you had someone, but I would’ve helped. I can help you, sweetheart."

"I’m sorry," You whispered as he pulled you into a hug. You threw your arms around his torso and buried your face in his chest, letting the pent up tears flow. Steve rest his chin on your head, stroking your hair softly.

"I didn’t know you were hurting this much," he admitted.

"It’s been so fucking scary,"

Steve could almost feel his heart breaking at the sound of your voice alone. Your words just piled on so much.

"I should let you two…" Bucky began, essentially forgotten standing next to you two. You pulled away from Steve to look at him.

"Thank you, Buck," you said.

Steve nodded in agreement. "I’m sorry for the overreacting I just… I thought the worst, but really you probably saved my girl."

Bucky gave a small smile and patted Steve on the back. "I didn’t do anything. It’s her strength you gotta thank."

With that, he made his way to the elevator and back to his room, leaving you two still standing in an embrace in the common area. You stared up at Steve, watching his expression towards you change. What was once so scary and harsh was back to the softest man you’d ever met.

"We’ll make some calls in the morning but for now, would you come back to bed?" Steve asked. "I can’t imagine anymore nights without you."

You nodded, giving him a peck on the lips. He led you back to the shared bedroom and for once, you went to bed with a sense of hope.

[foryoumyheroes]

Otaku

[Bakugou + Todoroki] are in love with the anime character [Name]. 

A/N:  Gender-neutral reader  Crackish?? 

Bakugou Katsuki: 

He’s sort of picky with the genre, be it fantasy, horror, shonen, but his favorite character has to be a super cool, super powerful one. No excuses. 

You know, the type of anime character that’s probably introduced through a silhouette of them posing dramatically with their notorious group whose image is teased throughout the first few episodes/seasons. 

He goes pretty hard for All Might, and he’s definitely the same for your character. 

Reads the manga (but he buys it super secretly, like in a hoodie at night and the cashier probably thinks that they’re being robbed until he brings the entire [Series] collection to the register). Watches the anime the moment it’s broadcasted, reads metas and watches youtube videos that talk about conspiracies/analyses of your character. 

NO ONE CAN KNOW THOUGH. 

He’s taking his anime phase to the grave. 

For some reason gets super aggressive when you’re being flirty or being shipped with another character?? He hates all the scenes that tease any potential romance between you and other characters. asdfgj He’s like, “No one is good enough for [Name]!!! Except for me.” 

He even tries to think up ways he can legitimately square up with them LMAO. Like he wonders how he could defeat your potential S/Os in a fight but y’all are like ,,, anime characters SO WHY DOES IT EVEN MATTER LOL 

“Three-sword style?? Tch, I’d fucking blow that bastard to bits.” 

“Who’s this Gaara of the Sand looking ass and why is the author getting so bold.” 

He even tries to think of how well your abilities match up with his own Quirk, this dork. 

THE LENGTHS HE WOULD GO FOR YOU.

If you were a real life person and your dislikes are lets say spicy food or loud, overbearing people, Bakugou would be like, “Tch I’m right, they’re wrong. Shut the fuck up!!!” But if his ultimate wifu/husbando has those dislikes he would be like, “Omg...😳😳 opposites attract...👉👈” 

He honestly tries to be a low-key fan (as in, not be a fan at all to outsiders), but if one day during class Kaminari ends up saying that in [Series], you’re the weakest character in your group/squad, Bakugou would get super angry. 

“Hey, Dunceface!! It’s so fucking obvious that you’re an anime-only fake fan, so don’t talk as if you know shit!” 

Bakugou is those “um actually” ;; fans 

Bakugou is a manga reader, so by the time your introduction scene or Ultimate Attack scene is being aired he becomes super OOC. He’s hyped for it for days, incredibly nervous at how the animators handle the scene. 

By the time he watches it?? 

THE ANIMATION!! THE VOICE ACTING!! YOUR COOLNESS!!! PLS ORA ORA HIM IN THE CHEST!! HE’S BEGGING YOU! IF YOU’RE GOING TO UNISON RAID WITH ANYONE PLS LET IT BE HIM!! 

He’s legitimately sweating buckets by the time the episode is over. A whole-ass fire hazard. 

Probably knows how to play your character theme on the drums. 

Omg but if your character dies/is hinted toward dying/or the most recent chapters ends with a cliffhanger where you’re fatally injured he will become legitimately depressed. 

Like holes himself in his dorm room for a whole day without contacting anyone and with the blinds drawn type of depressed. 

When he comes to class the next day with eye-bags and is slouching and his classmates think that something horrible has happened, it’s probably only Izuku who knows what’s going on. 

He’ll say, “You’re upset about the most recent chapter of [Series], right? I know it must be hard for you right now.” He’ll give Bakugou an officially licensed rubber strap of your character and Bakugou will just ;; cradle it in his hands softly. 

In complete seriousness, your character is probably someone who is strong physically, but publicly rallies for things like, “Failure is fine.” Your character arc would probably explore what it’s like being not good enough or feeling constantly disappointed, so he feels comfort in your character. 

Todoroki Shoto: 

In comparison to Bakugou, he’s probably a more low-key fan unintentionally, but goes just as hard. 

Buys all of the merch, limited-edition or not, has your picture set as his phone lockscreen and homescreen, has a little acrylic charm of you on his phone, follows several fanartists that draw your character on social media. He buys enough merch that his room looks like a glorified shrine. 

It’s canon that he reads manga, but I headcanon that he’s even less picky with his genres and willingly reads things like slice-of-life or shojo all the way to shonen or adult fantasy, so your anime could come from any possible story. 

Your character is probably someone who is sweet and kind but has a traumatic character backstory. 

He probably ends up thinking stuff like, “If [Name] was with me, I would never let them get treated like that.” asdhj he’s a dork too. 

Unironically dramatically quotes you during battle and thinks that it’s still badass because he’s a teenage boy in his anime phase. 

Doesn’t get into debates with people who don’t like your character. He’s like, “Everyone is entitled to their own opinion :)) even though they’re wrong. >:(.” 

If you’re from a sports/competition anime he’ll try to learn all of the rules, and even try it out for himself (if it’s not fighting) but he finds out that he’s... not very good at it. That doesn’t make him any less amazed though! 

If your character is from a different culture with different customs and traditions, he’ll even learn more about them outside of your anime! 

Forces his siblings to watch the anime with him. They don’t necessarily have to, but the Todoroki household has one big TV and he hogs it all the time watching your anime over and over. 

Natsuo is begging him to watch something else and Shoto will just pout angrily from the other side of the couch.( ￣＾￣)

It’s so jarring because he doesn't look or appear like a hardcore anime fan, but sometimes he’ll just butt into conversations randomly and talk about you. 

Like you know those tumblr Naruto posts that talk about it as if it’s some sort of Renaissance literature. That’s Todoroki. 

[”Man, they’re so hot--!” 

“You want to see someone hot?” Todoroki asks with a perfectly straight face, and he’ll just... turn his phone around and show them a picture of an anime character.] 

When his dad tries to set him up with someone else: “You think they’re my type? Do they watch [Series]? Do they know what true friendship is?? Do they understand pining and love the way [Name] does?” 

Endeavor: who the FUCK is [Name]. 

Gets into fanfiction because of your character and series. He’ll just be reading on his phone during break times at school and everyone thinks that he’s being so well-read but he’s just reading pure smut with a straight face. 

Doesn’t mind when you’re shipped with other characters necessarily but he is super picky. If your character is hinted toward a potential romance with another character that’s pretty crass and doesn’t necessarily treat you well but you’re sticking together through the power of friendship, he won’t ship it. 

He’s just like “[Name] would be so much happier with someone else like me.” ://// 

And if your character goes through something traumatic or terrible during the series he’ll be so sad, like soooo sad. :((( Deku would probably be comforting him on the couch in the common room and everyone is concerned because he looks like he’s mourning a lost pet, but it turns out to be over some anime character pshhhsdfh. 

Deku would just be patting his shoulder trying to console him and Todoroki’s just sitting there with a big frown on his face going, [“But they’ve been through so much throughout the anime already...” 

“I know, Todoroki-kun, I know...” 

“The author can’t do that to them... It’s just not fair.”

“I get it,” Midoriya says mournfully.]  

Plot twist: They like the same anime character 

They’ll probably find out when they have to retake the license exam together. 

Todoroki will just take his phone out during off times and Bakugou’s eyes looks over because it’s drawn by the noise but then his head just snaps to the side when he realizes its a little charm of you, like, he’s going to get whiplash from that. 

“What the -- is that [Surname] [Name]?!” 

Like they have never really hung out together before this, so when they both first realize that their favorite character of all time is [Name] they’re left ,, just standing there ,,, pointing at each other like the spiderman meme.

At first they’re both inwardly excited because FINALLY someone cultured and with taste. They spend the entire time talking about your stats, your attacks, your post-timeskip character design, and your personality, and then they delve a little bit deeper and then they realize ,,, oh. 

Bakugou says that you don’t belong with the dumb protagonist, you should be shipped with someone strong, confident and loud, but Todoroki is like noooooo they deserve to be with someone that treats them gently. 

They connect the dots. 

[“Bakugou, you aren’t compatible with [Name]. It says so in their trivia page.” 

“Says you! They won’t want some bland-ass pretty boy! They would want a real man!”] 

They’re such fanboys ;;; they do realize that you aren’t real, right asdfghj?

One day Kaminari and Sero separately invite them to an anime convention, but they both say no and that they have plans or “something better to do” that day. 

Then Bakugou and Todoroki both turn up to the convention at the same place because they both reach for the last limited edition [Name] figure and they just stare at each other wide-eyed (ʘoʘ╬) like that. 

They start verbally fighting each other over the last figure and then physically fighting each other andddd then they get kicked out of the convention. 

Izuku ends up swooping in and getting the last box. 

[saberstars]

I'm Here

Pairing: Gender Neutral Y/N & Loki

Fluff, angst, implied smut

Warnings: Mentions of depression/mental illness, epilepsy/seizures, mentions of sex, as always if I missed anything feel free to let me know

Summary: Loki & You have a pre-existing friendship with benefits & one night you have a seizure after some spiciness. He cares for you helping you afterwards & makes sure you rest easy & safe. Reader is portrayed to have seizures more so during changes in sleep phases, not awake. The wake seizures or more of a medium ish absence/ focal aware seizure that only occur on occasion & can be “fought” through.

Word Count: 1796

Notes: This was intended to be a gender neutral reader. I think I removed all he/she pronouns.

Additionally, I know that not everyone experiences seizures the same way, and that epilepsy can affect people differently. This is all written from my experiences with it, so I ask that you do not tell me I portrayed something wrong. I can and will accept constructive criticism, But I will not accept someone telling me blatantly that I am wrong with my experiences. Therefore please keep that in mind when reading. I genuinely hope this fic brings others comfort if you suffer from epilepsy or any disorder that causes seizures. Thank You <3

It’s been three years since you found out you suffered from epilepsy. A diagnosis that came late in your life to be fair. As a young child up until you reached adulthood, you suffered from eye shakes that would eventually turn into stuttering spells that made it difficult to breath or not breath properly at all. You never passed out though, you got close a few times, but you managed to stay awake and “fight it off.” You started to notice over time that you’d also get a strange taste in your mouth, almost like metal or as if you were sucking on a battery and it had that zing flavor. You knew that was a precursor and would panic on cue rightfully so. You hated when you had your mini stutter fests because all you could do was hope it didn’t happen.

Of course you complained to your parents as a child but they didn’t think it was anything. They said it was just a panic attack. So you took their word for it. That was until you started having grand mals in your sleep. At first you thought they were just a part of some strange dream, that wasn't real to you, not yet anyway. You would wake up exhausted, sore, sometimes unable to move properly, walk, open and close a fist, and you just overall couldn't stay conscious sometimes. Again you complained to your parents about it, but they said it was nothing. You probably had night terrors or some form of minor sleep paralysis. So you dumbly believed them.

When you moved out, You sought answers, and eventually got them. You were grateful. The medication they prescribed helped tremendously though, it did make you tired but it was worth not having your episodes. Thankfully your case wasn’t as severe as others and it was manageable so long as you took care of yourself and took your medications. Though you were warned, breakthroughs were common, and missing your dose can and would cause a seizure.

Despite having such a diagnosis, you kept it to yourself. You never really told anyone. It wasn’t until you started sleeping with a friend, that you finally divulged your secret too in the event that it ever happened whilst they were with you.

It was someone you randomly slept with on and off with. A friend with benefits, his name was Loki. You had met the god shortly after his father had passed and his home, destroyed. You found comfort with each other despite it being more of a sexual comfort. You both used sex as a way to fight your own demons, a distraction, a quick grab at serotonin. Despite the sex you both developed a very deep friendship. You’d read together on occasion, have very interesting debates on current events, history, as well as other nuances, and a lot of other things. You even met his brother and the avengers at one point.

You both slept soundly after spicy events had taken place 2 hours prior, Loki had come over desperate for attention of any kind. He didn’t say why, but you knew it was a rather serious topic he wished not to discuss and rather lessen the pain with ecstasy. Little did you know, on this day a few years ago he indirectly murdered his mother. He blamed himself dearly, he knew if he would have kept his mouth shut for once in his life she may be here today. So he needed a genuine distraction. One of any kind. Preferable you. Due to the spicy events that took place you missed your dose, due to falling asleep promptly after, which cost you dearly. Missing doses always caused this to happen no matter what.

You gasped for air like usual, your body contorting outwards first with a thrust. You were awake, conscious, and terrified for the few seconds you normally were given before blacking out. You began to stutter violently all the air leaving your lungs as it happened. Until no sounds were made and it was just you chattering. Loki woke immediately, with a completely calm exterior despite a raging mixture of emotions internally. He knew you never called an ambulance for these things because you were normally alone & unaware until you became conscious again. She made him promise to never call 911 unless it was over a certain time length, to save her medical expenses, or unless she stopped breathing for good.

Loki dare not touch you though as you shook and curled up. The last thing he wanted was his godly strength to crush you somehow or cause you more pain. Instead he watched and hovered until you finally stopped. It was a short 50 second one, which was under your time limit, but he still debated calling. It’s not like You would’ve known he lied.

His breathing hitched as he went to check your pulse and airway, ever so delicately, which were both clear and strong.

“Oh thank you.” he whispered

A few hours had slid by with still no response from you. Loki sat next to you, staring down at you, to the point where he would fight the urge to blink, waiting for a stir of some kind from you. He did give the courtesy of redressing you though, in a nightgown from a drawer after an hour slid past. He even went as far as ensuring that you were adequately covered by the blankets to avoid being chilled. It has been 3 ½ hours now, with no stir of any kind from you. He knew it would be awhile before you showed any signs of movement possibly but this worry tore him to his core. In the midst of waiting he refused to just idly go back to sleep next to you, he was determined to stay awake until you were conscious again, so that you knew, he stayed there waiting for you. Loki didn’t know when he found himself talking to you as if you were awake, but all he knew was that it made him feel a bit better, and he hoped that when you woke it would make you feel better too.

“You know, I’ve been reading this really dumb gothic romance novel. I think you’d like it because of how naive the girl is. I know you like to criticize and pick on how they make decisions.” he spoke with a chuckle in his voice thinking back to how you’d flail your arms and drop your book to scream about how dumb some main protagnist could be.

“I'll have to buy you a copy or give you mine when I’m done.” Loki shifted his weight from his right to his left brushing your bangs out of your eyes.

“I don’t know why you keep those so long, all they do is get in the way of your gorgeous eyes.”

It was in that moment you rustled, you shifted your neck ever so slightly, Your eyelids twitch. Loki leaned forward parting his lips as he watched with a heart of hope completely overwhelmed with joy when he saw the color of your iris’s. He exhaled a shaky breath cupping your cheeks which caused you to flinch sending a wave of shocks through your body. It was at that moment you knew. You knew what he saw, what he had gone through. Your heart sank and you immediately berated yourself internally despite your exhausted state.

“It’s ok you don’t have to say or do anything. I’ll stay, I’ll take care of you for as long as you need.” Loki assured you, wanting you to know that you didn’t have to go through this alone. You never really had anyone stay, let alone worry about you. Your eyes began to water as tears rolled down your face.

“I’ll go grab you some water, you’re probably parched. I’ll also grab you a banana. I read that potassium can help with the cramping.” Loki said leaving to yourself for a moment. He also grabbed tissues for your eyes and nose just in case. Upon returning her placed everything at your side offering help to sit up. “Do you need to use the bathroom or help sitting up?” He asked with a gentle tone.

You nodded trying to take a good deep breath so you could speak a bit. “I’m so sorry you had to see that… but thank you. Thank you for staying, for helping. I do need the bathroom and I would appreciate help. My legs are still...” you mustered out with all your might but after a point your tongue refused to work with you.

“Of course, I may be a monster but I’m not entirely cruel. If it helps… you can just think to yourself and I can listen that way. So that you're not struggling too much.” Loki admitted with a tone of self depreciation.

“You're not a monster just because you're different & have made mistakes.” you thought as Loki picked you up bridal style walking you to the bathroom. Of course he placed you down on the toilet and waited outside for you to do what you needed. Since he had only added a nightgown to your previously naked body it made things easier. It was exhausting to just sit up and do everything but you pushed through. You even pushed yourself up and limped to the sink best you could to wash your hands. Upon hearing the faucet though Loki came back in standing behind you offering support if needed.

“Catch me~” you thought before falling back into his arms with a snort.

“You're lucky I have godlike reflexes you minx.” He replied with a hint of flirtation. You had used more than you had in you to wash your hand. Loki caught you obviously and carried you back to the room placing you back on the bed. “No, more like I knew you were ready to catch me.” you slowly thought as exhaustion tugged at your consciousness again. Loki noticed the pill bottle on your dresser before prompting you to take it. Instinctively opening it and sliding one into his hand.

“You should probably take this before you fall asleep.” You took it mentally saying thanks drinking the glass of water with it.

“Yeah that would probably help avoid some added breakdancing.” You joked trying to use humor to lighten the situation. Loki stared plain faced trying not to entertain your joke though, despite finding it secretly witty. Maybe he’d laugh at it when you felt a bit better. Soon after you began to dance between awake and sleep. Loki took note based on how your thoughts jumbled around between multiple things, laughing to himself a bit before minor intrusive fears began picking at you. Loki immediately jumped into action in an attempt to squash them soothing you a bit.

“You can sleep soundly, please get some rest. You don’t have to force yourself to stay awake out of fear or guilt.” Loki spoke in the most caring and sweet tone he could muster up. Trying to convince you that it was going to be ok & it worked. Somehow you knew he was right & that you could trust him completely. You drifted back to sleep peacefully thinking about how for the first time in your life, you didn’t fear sleeping in your bed. You didn’t have intrusive thoughts about whether or not you’d wake up in the morning or not. Which honestly brought tears bubbling their way up and out of Loki's eyes. The amount of trust you had in him in your thoughts, at that moment completely took his breath away. And that was something he wasn’t going to break or ever lose.