#my dad for a whole week now
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#I’m putting this here because I feel like I can’t keep bothering my besties with this#so this is just me ranting and talking to myself on my own blog#cause I realized today that Ive been NC with#my dad for a whole week now#and i already feel so#much more at peace#like there’s not this ball of anxiety in the corner at the thought of him texting or calling me#and I love and hate it#I feel bad because he’s my dad but also fuck him#idk it’s strange but I feel so#much more at peace and I needed to say that somewhere
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Nico and Percy's dynamic through the series is eternally funny to me, because it's just. like.
Percy's having a constant mental struggle between his fatal flaw of loyalty with a promise he made to Bianca to protect Nico, versus his Big 3 kid desire to maim other Big 3 kids / Poseidon descendant urge to totally maim Nico specifically. He hates Nico so so much. He thinks Nico's annoying and weird at best, and creepy/sketchy when he's older. The only positive thoughts Percy has towards Nico are "He's Bianca's brother and Bianca was my friend and I owe her/He's Hazel's brother and Hazel is my friend and would kill me if I was mean to him," "He's a powerful asset and useful ally (if questionable)," and "He's kinda pathetic and I feel maybe a little bad about it." Percy has multiple occasions throughout the series where he strongly considers - and on one occasionally actually goes through with - throttling Nico.
Meanwhile, Nico is following around Percy like a lost puppy. He explicitly can never bring himself to even dislike anything about Percy no matter how hard he tries. He has a whole bit in BoO where he's mentally going "UGH he's so stupid BUT IT'S ENDEARING HOW DARE HE." He's totally smitten. He's making deals with his dad for Percy. He's making convoluted plans to help Percy stand a chance against Kronos. During the entirety of BoTL it's like he's playing tsundere - "I'm helping NOT PERCY SPECIFICALLY with this quest! Me helping Percy would be SILLY because I DEFINITELY HATE HIM." Then he proceeds to show up to Percy's birthday party to basically ask him on a weird date and spend the entire next book scrambling around trying to help him or protect him or impress him. And Percy could not give less of a shit.
Just. That dynamic is so funny to me. Percy is the founder of the Nico Protection Club in that he's the one they're all protecting Nico from and meanwhile Nico is throwing himself at Percy to the point where the literal god of gay love calls him out on it.
#pjo#percy jackson#nico di angelo#Percy shows up at CJ and squints at Nico like ''hm. why do i feel like i hate you? like i just wanna punch you in the face?''#and Nico just immediately goes ''huh no idea anyways i have to go-'' and jumps into Tartarus#but not before he gives Hazel essentially a detailed explanation of ''this is Percy i cant say much but please dont let him die <3''#and Nico's whole Tartarus trip was basically a whole ''im doing this so no one else has to''#only for Percy and Annabeth to fall in like one book later and Nico proceeds to spend the next book internally screaming about it#and then Cupid calls him out on it and the next book#Nico's just like ''at this point im hoping i keel over within the next week just so i can force this dumb crush to chill the fuck out''#Nico staring pointedly at Will: ''For my own sake i need to form another crush RIGHT NOW so i can finally get over Percy.''#''this has been so bad for my health''#Nico's crush on Percy is just too funny to me. horrible pick my guy. terrible job. love that for you. he could not be less interested.#Percy LITERALLY TRIES TO KILL NICO and ditch him in the underworld and Nico is somehow STILL like ''but i love him''#Percy basically chokes him. beats up his dad. tells him ''go get smited by your dad for me.'' and ditches him.#and Nico's opinions/crush on him DO NOT CHANGE#though also Nico's reaction to Percy beating up his dad + skeletons is SO funny. his jaw is on the floor. he's flustered about it.#he just witnessed Percy be incredibly hot and proceeded to go ''yea i'll do anything for this man. collect reinforcements of 3 gods? sure''#nico you absolute DISASTER with HORRIBLE TASTE. you can do better. raise your standards.#which tbh is funnier when you factor in sun and the star. Nico just wont stop crushing on guys who dislike him and everything he stands for
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your fridge-build , original-red-and-purple-oufit magneto showed up in my dream yesterday and i was so unprepared it woke me up
reading this made me cackle for like a solid minute gjAELKGJAK he just wanted to say hi ....
leaving you with a fridge-magnet-sized magneto. so hopefully he can say hi again but less intimidatingly
#fave#i have to fave this i need to be reminded that this happened once in a while this is so funny#xmen#magneto#snap sketches#PLEASSEE THATS SO SILLY JVLKAJLKJ IM SORRY/YOURE WELCOME???#i dont think anyones ever dreamt of my art thats so silly and flattering#what was he doing ... what he just floating in the corner ..... please im still not over this its so funny ...#on that note tho im so bad at remembering dreams i never have them really#i used to have dreams a lot as a kid/teenager but they were mostly- if not all now that i think of it- nightmares#HOWEVER. i will say that like. a lil bit after i rewatched first class for the third time#i got a dream or two one with mcavoy and the other with film charles#the mcavoy dream was just that i met him in greece or something and i think the charles dream was at the school#they were both nice dreams so Am I Complaining absolutely not#just reminds me of the time when i binge watched an actor's movies and i had dreams of him for a whole week#in one of them he was making fun of me but it was in whatever semblance of japanese my brain could bs so it wasnt that bad#but it kinda was cause Since It Was A Dream i understood what he said but anwyays .... not important#THE OTHER DREAMS WERENT BAD THO he was my dad in one. aaand the other uhh.. i forget ...#i must stress me dreaming is such an oddity so these were so like. Oh Yeah Im Capable Of Dreaming JVLKAJK#very weird feeling waking up from a dream is what im tryna say .. i think ...#very funyn .... anyways i hope magneto visits you in your dreams again whether hes built like a semi or like a bug#just for the cosmic comedy of it all
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Fantober day 31!! A free day again.
Recently gotten into HADES, and I think about them a normal amount (lie)
#THEM. THEM. *SHAKES HANDS IN AIR* THEEEEEEEMMM#Honestly it’s surprising I havent gotten into the fandom sooner I mean I have been a mythology nerd since??? Uhhh#idk. But every week I see a notif from OSP and jump around in my room because YEAAAHHHH HYSTORY MYTHOS AND TROPES YEAHHHHH#And greek mythology is where the interest began so why am I only NOW getting onto the Hades train only god knows. Maybe multiple. They got#a whole pantheon so idk maybe multiple ON THE OTHER HAND they didn’t know about their own relative OR who his mom is so maybe I give them#too much credit#jkjk jk Zeus dont smite me I listen to ‘’Thunder bringer’’ a lot plz#speaking of epic the musical thats what I wanted to draw originality because HAVE YOU BEEN ON THE LIVESTREAM YESTERDAY?#THE ANIMATICSSSS THE ANIMATICCCSSS THE 3D CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD. ODYSSEUS CASUALLY GETTING A JETPACK 💀 okay go off king /gen#HE GOTTA BE DANGEROUS MY FRIENDS GOTTA USE ALL HIS TRICKS IN HIS DOMAIN FOR THIS OH YEAH YOU CANNOT GET AWAY WITH PLAYING- okay I’ll stop#but we need a Hermes saga Im just saying. I love he. He’s such a dawling#…Also not me healing the ivantill trauma with a different silverhair+blackhair duo huh.#They bring me comfort I love my silly goofy god of nothing/blood and his boyfriend THE GRIM REAPER#my art#thanzag#they make me insane but in a good way#oh to be a guy trying to escape his dads house and then die to a butterfly and hopefully see death himself because he’s cute#hades game#hades fanart#hades zagreus#hades thanatos
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I'm sincere when I say I don't know how y'all have the energy to scrutinize Mori treating his successors like they're competent when the Port Mafia's skill users have been culled thrice over within seven years by men who can't act right (Rimbaud, Verlaine, Shibusawa, Gides, Fyodor), and the longevity of the tripartite framework relies on Mori not patronizing who's left.
Especially considering, like, there are foreign military police in modern Japan, British Somaliland appears to still exist, and Ango has seemingly kept Taneda in a medically induced coma for an irreversible amount of time so that he can unilaterally leverage Taneda's fictional authority within a very-historically-real cabinet in the Japanese government that hasn't existed irl since the Meiji constitution.
Like, I'm not asking anyone to engage with media in any other way than the way they enjoy most. It's just. Has anyone else noticed bsd!Russia appears to have annexed bsd!Abkhazia and bsd!South Ossetia.
All of this to say: you don't really have to beat the same dead horses if you don't want to. If you do, then by all means, lay into Equus with your whole chest. But, also. There's a lot in bsd the fandom scarcely, if at all, touches, and the incongruity between the work's layers and worldbuilding and even niche fandom engagement with the material is stark.
#bsd#bungou stray dogs#this isnt a value judgment#i just feel like a conspiracy theorist sometimes#because i have reread and rewatched and rehashed this work over and over and over again#and each time there's a whole college major's worth of new things to lose my mind over#and then i open tumblr and there are fan weeks that wouldnt permit much of the canon and source material#and like. discourse about mori's parenting when that man's womb is barren in bsd.#why do you think he's like this. mori ogai was meant to spoil children and kafka asagiri put him in an existentially threatened mafia.#that's a girl dad without any girls. instead he just has dazai and chuuya.#and verlaine's undernourished inner child#and like q who is the personification of avant garde freudian psychoanalytical theory from the 1930s#like. we know what's wrong with mori. now someone explain to me how the united nations is structured without ww2 creating the p5.
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#there's a flood coming to my city 😬#the wave is supposed to hit tomorrow at night#i'm a bit worried?#they say it's gonna be similae to 1997#which is. not good.#everyone at work was panicking which did not help#they said the water is almost sold out in shops#and i couldn't go to the shop to buy it because i was. at work.#so i messaged my dad and he bought some for me and he'll drive over to bring it to me#his town doesn't have a big river so you can still buy water there lmao#i asked him to buy me some non perishable food like rice crackers while he was at it too#and now i'm scared that he and my mom will buy out the entire shop and i'll have to eat those things for months 😬#they can be like that sometimes haha#yeah they most definitely will bring over the whole car full of food what do i do 😭#anyway my main concern is the lack of electricity because the stupid stove in this flat doesn't use gas ;_;#gotta charge the powerbanks 💪#people are also worried that we'll go to work tomorrow and then it'll turn out the road is flooded and we'll have to stay at work overnight#lmaoooo why won't the company just give everyone the week off?? (because of capitalism)#my sister has a two months old baby and she is leaving the city tonight to stay with our grandma#they do need clean water for the baby and the government recommended the children and the elderly to evacuate#i'd evacuate myself if it wasn't for my work 😭 (capitalism)#aghhh i'm sure it's not gonna be that bad#it's just my first flood you see#well technically the second one because i was born in 1997 hahaha but yeah. yeah.#i do like my warm meals and hot tea and i do like to shower#i do hope it'll last 2 days max!! but a friend says it can last longer depending on the damage ;_;#i know i can't really complain because i at least live on the 5th floor#my sister lives on the first floor. right by the river. yeah...#not to mention the people in surrounding villages#someone at work said that the water reached the third floor in some places in 1997 wtf 😭
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it really does bother me how parents in the work force think they have some right to time off around the holidays that those childless adults around them don't.
#oh they don't have families#they don't need to take holiday time off#it's bugged me since i've started working in banking#i always have to work the day after thanksgiving#because banks can't fucking close that day#my new coworker also took the whole week of christmas off#fine whatever#but now i'll have to have that awkward call with my dad soon#ope sorry i can't get the time off#the parents beat me to it#so i'm shit out of luck
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Here's some of my favorites from this week!
#ceramics is my whole brain right now#SHAPES#with all this making bowls and wheel stuff I forgot how *alive* clay is when it's wet#in this past week I've made ten sculptures: the two BIG sculptures (jaguar and coyote)#plus a bunch of small animals and a humanoid turtle (with pizza) (that was my dad's suggestion)#the skunk I made was adorable but didn't photograph very well today unfortunately#forgive the terrible camera quality! laptop camera etc.#I feel like photographing works in progress with a blurry camera is okay though. it's the Process#image descriptions in alt text#work in progress#ceramics#ceramic sculptures#greenware
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i think i mentioned that my dad let some guys put film on our windows so they'd reflect the sun a bit more or whatever right....... well they did that yesterday and everything was fine they washed my window and everything but now . i look out and there's a fucking CRACK IN THE GLASS????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
#i#HOW??!??! ?!?!?! “)”)=!=“)=!=!#HOW EVEN#WHAT THE FUCK#WHAT THEEE ACTUAL FUCK#IT'S SO FUCKING BIG TOOOO?!?!?!??!?#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#oh my god they're gonna have to take the whole thing out and then there's gonna be some more fucked up renovation shit going on#it never goes well#literally never#cue when they were doing the whole building and then they had to change our radiators and what had to be like a week long thing turned#into a few month thing#and i had to live in the living room for the entire time#and you might think that this is just a window but oh my god#they're gonna fuck it up they're gonna tear my walls apart again#oh this made me really sad actually wow#my dad was so chill abt it though😭😭😭😭#i'm standing there next to him like how how how did that happen what now how are they gonnafix it#and he just went ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#“idk”#jhdsgagdhsghdhsaghgdas#PLEAAASEEEE SIRR YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW ARE YOU A DAD OR NOT DAMNNN#ahhhhhhh anyway#i really do hate when there's any sort of renavation going on in my room the mere idea that there would be strangers in my room is making m#sick#😭😭😭😭#IT'S WEIRD I KNOW NO NEED TO RUB IT IN#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#mayor of loserville
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Aaah. So it's neverending huh.
#my dad had been bugging me about getting a raise for months#it took me a while to actually find who to email to ask and how to go about it too.#but i did it! and i went from 19$ to 20.72$#and i was happy with that#and originally i wasnt going to tell my dad but he wasnt letting up about it and when i told him the numbers#he was dissappointed.he told me he spoke to people working from another company and they make 25#this was while i was stuck out on the supposed to be a hike but was actually hunting trip#now i just feel bad about it again. and i cant get my good feeling back goddamnit#i know its out of love/concern because hes very financially very successful and its tough seeing your kids work so hard and still be poor#but hey im now technically making 40 cents less than your daughter whos a doctor.#you graduated during a time where universities had skip days and they were less focused on proper essay formats#you also had living accommodations where apparently you could make your whole rent in a week of work#you also didnt need to pay for internet the way we do#you also had rrsp matching and Christmas bonuses and health insurance and company retirement funds#you had days off. you ask if i get a certain holiday off. like i havent worked full days christmas eve and boxing day the previous 5 years#also gas probably wasnt 80$/week just to go to and from work#and thats if you work and live in town#we had a phone call and he brought up my wage again this morning
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in order from left to right: the face of someone who is unaware they're about to rawdog their first day back to work, the sky, the sky, the sky, the sky
#I was halfway to the plant before I remembered I hadn't taken my meds 🥲 happy monday#monday felt like a whole week even though very little actually happened#telomirage.txt#anyway. the 🌱🌿🍃🥬🌵🍏 will be immortalised on my id badge which should be coming in from corporate later this week#and it was kind of nice having so many people seem excited to have me back#boss and big boss in particular seemed thrilled. big boss had a skip in his step and everything#I'm here for now!!! but WATCH OUT!!!!!!!! 👿#also d (dad friendworker) and I were like ships in the night#by which I mean my first day back = what was supposed to be his first day of vacation#but he came in for half the day to wrap some stuff up and to check on me lol#and then when he left it was very much him going 'DON'T STAY LATE YOU BETTER GO TO BED EARLY' and me going 'GET OUT OF HERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED#TO BE ON VACATION BE SAFE GO AWAY'
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responses to rehearse bc i'm seeing my grandparents tomorrow and they have a tendency to ask weird questions about the whole trans thing:
that's a personal question
that isn't your business
that's a weird thing to ask
you don't need to know that
i never said that
i don't know why you think that
#ok tomorrow should be fine bc theyre just coming over afternoon-night and other people will be around the whole time#but i DEFINITELY will need to rehearse those for when i stay with them myself for 6 days in september#wish id had these mantras last december 😔#i do have more ground to stand on now that im back at school and everything they have much less room to judge#but they have been a tad weirdddd about the whole trans thing#and will continue to be even now that im back at school i expect#anyway ill also have a conversation with my mum later about the misgendering thing bc when i saw them in december they did not get the#pronouns correct ONCE they did not even try lmao#july before that the first time id seen them since coming out they tried a bit more#thing is i just dont correct them at all never before in my life have i corrected anyone#until one customer the other month when the cards fell exactly in my lap to do so#but anyway hopefully ill have the courage to correct them myself i think i should#i did actually correct my dad the other week! surprised me a bit he called me 'she' it was a bit hurtful but ig it's just good he hasn't#much at all since he started calling me oscar when i came out to extended family#anyway ok i dont want to think about all that too much it gives me a headache#ill have a conversation with my mum and hopefully shell have the courage to correct them but if not i will do it myself#hopefully maybe#for now im gonna go and watch 911 lone star with my mum#wahoo shes enjoying it
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not 2 be dramatic or anything but sometimes it makes me so sad to see siblings getting along really well and like actually being best friends
#love my sister or whatever but she was not very nice to me growing up and now we're just like kinda friendly but still so different#some eldest daughters do not fit the tumblr stereotype btw some of them r just mean<3#also while im at it im so tired of being the only gay person in like my whole extended family and even our family friends#like the other week we met up w my dad's college friend who lives further away so it had been like years since I'd seen them#and he has 2 daughters one of whom is gay and we were all chatting for all of lunch at like the 'kids side' of the table#and it genuinely made me emotional afterwards thinking about all the gatherings with our other family friend when the kids are all mostly#guys and/or straight.#like! im not that bad a socializing! these are just not my people!! its so lonely sometimes:/#whatever!! love my family and friends etc but i am ruminating currently
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No longer constipated on the beach vacation, I am now anxious about running out of insulin on the beach vacation
#Like I went to visit friends for a few days a couple weeks ago and didn't bring enough insulin#So I had to get a whole new box of pens which my insurance didn't cover so my dad had to send me like $250 to pay for it#But this time I was good!#I lookee and saw that my current pen was low and grabbed an extra one#But now that I've started the new pen and started to do the actual math I'm worried that'll run out again#I'm not worried about not having access to insulin more like my parents are gonna make me feel like a burden and an idiot if I run out#So I am preemptively making myself feel like a burden and an idiot
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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