#my co-director and i have always called them our kids

[buttercupblu]

Satoru's Psyche|Escalating

"Should I really have to suffer for my actions?"

Previous SessionSession 2 of 10|Next Session

🗂️Patient Chart Update: Patient Gojo displayed extremely flirtatious and unruly behavior during the first half of his visit. Mentions of escape and kid-napping were noted as well as enforced close proximity with his nurse. Threatening remarks were also made at the end of his lunch in response to mentions of disciplinary action. Patient is scheduled for a bath but is pending the possibility of negative punishment to instill corrective behaviors. 📋Length of Session (w.c): 8.3k out of "i said we will cross that bridge when we get to it 😊" 💊Intake Chart (tags): mild violence but no in-action descriptors, coercion, manipulation, drug use, angst, unwatched close contact and touch, nudity, mentally unstable Gojo, Nurse!Reader ✏️Doctor's angel’s note: i hope you know what you're doing, Nurse 🎼Waiting room music: Overheated|Billie Eilish

Choose wisely.

Hunger stirs in your tummy, and Gojo's words sit with you through lunch. Your spoon clinks around the bowl, stirring the soup growing colder by the second though the growls from your stomach are too obnoxious to be ignored. But your mind wanders.

You're stuck. Earlier, you were all for serving up justice on a silver platter, but now you're seriously second-guessing your "genius" idea to punish Gojo by making him someone else's problem.

As if anyone will be crazy enough to say yes.

Everyone already avoids his wing like the plague. It's kind of an unspoken fact that you are Gojo's one and only. The only staff he allows near him. Anyone else would be playing with fire.

And if someone is brave enough to willingly throw themselves into the lion's den, they definitely can't be new. New to nursing—new to the ward. High expertise is needed here. Someone seasoned—experience which you lack yourself—otherwise, they won't last a second with Gojo.

It'll be way too easy for him to make them snap, like tossing a bone to a dog.

"Persephone." Yuko brings you out of your coma.

You perk up, instinctively smiling. "Hey, what's up?"

"You tell me," she snorts. "You've been playing with your food like break isn't over in 10 minutes." She touches your arm. "Everything ok?"

It's written all over your face, huh? You could deflate right now.

This is why Yuko is your favorite co-worker. Always reading you like a book without you needing to say a word. Quick to call anything off out.

Leaning back in your chair, you huff, rubbing circles into your temples to relieve the headache you didn't know you had.

"Yeah, yeah," you begin, "It's just—" You stop, her eyes hold so much concern and you've barely opened your mouth. Not sure if you should now because you know what kind of person Yuko is.

And if she knew even half of what you don't tell her during your lunch breaks spent complaining about work, she'd hang Gojo out to dry if she could. She often makes it very clear she hates you have to deal with him at all.

"—I'm just a bit tired. Gojo's scheduled for a bath later, him and two others. Gojo's easy but...I don't know. I feel slower than usual today. Definitely won't get home until late, again, because of all these sponge baths." You cringe at the last part.

Aside from trying to keep Yuko cool, you also don't want to risk the news getting back to the Director who could take you off of Gojo completely. No one else can take your place. And who knows what would happen if you disappeared from his roster for good?

How would his threats manifest?

Yuko scoffs, waving her hand.

"Gojo and easy do not go together," and you both shake your heads and laugh. "But I get it. You did come in super early."

"Thought there'd be less of us," you sigh.

"Sonya's been on our asses lately, right? But hey, she finally got us all here."

"A little too late. The damage is done," you pout, resting your elbows on the table, realizing you've accidentally grown used to chaos and ever-changing schedule.

You routinely plan ahead to make sure you can stand up when people fall short. Constantly putting yourself on the back burner seems to be a thing that always set you back.

"Sooo, you just need rest, ya? Nothing else? Gojo—" there she goes "—been 'okay' with you lately?"

Your heart skips. "Ya. he isn't so bad today," you lie, "I'd just love to be home on time for once. Maybe even a bit early, I'm soo close. Overtime's been wringing my neck for weeks."

Yuko looks at you with puppy dog eyes. And not in a "I feel sorry for you" kind of way, but one that almost makes you feel bad for not telling her the whole truth.

"Here," she pushes your soup towards you, "How about I do Gojo's bath and you get an early start on my last two? That way you can at least binge that show you won't shut up about later." She smiles.

You immediately protest.

There's no way you can do that to her.

Yuko never even crossed your mind and was far from your first pick, not because she can't handle him but because she's your friend. Not just a colleague, but someone you actually care about more than anyone else in this run-down job even if she doesn't feel the same.

She's too good of a person, and you'd be the Devil Incarnate if you let her do something so risky. Especially when you can just suck it up and get it over with.

"Woah, woah, it's just a bath, calm down," she says, taking your hands in hers as you ramble on, trying to convince her that you'll be fine or that you'll find someone else. Burdening her is simply out of the question.

"Who else but me, Seph'?" and she tilts her head, "You don't you think I'm as good as you?" And the way she says it, giving you that look she does when you're being stubborn, dares you to challenge her.

Now you really have to think about what to say.

Goddamn it, you regret saying anything at all, but Yuko's so motherly, how could you resist? Hiding from her is impossible, she would've sniffed you out sooner or later.

Easing your pains when she can is her specialty—helping to calm and settle you down when you blow things out of proportion.

Could this be one of those moments? Or are Gojo's words more than just hot air?

The back and forth is killing you, but the combination of Yuko's reassuring touch and your gurgling stomach puts the final nail in the coffin as she reminds you of the time.

Eyes wide, you look at the clock, ticking away faster than you realized, then back at your lukewarm soup.

Denying that you need help would be silly because technically it's true. You probably should've asked the Director for a little Gojo break forever ago, even if just for a few hours a few times a week. It would be better than nothing because if you can't function, Gojo can't be cared for.

So, who better to help bridge that gap for you than Yuko?

The gutsy woman has been your rock ever since you started at the ward, having your back and sticking with you through tough times when staff constantly dips in and out of the facility like a rotating door, unable to handle the job.

Yuko's a real day one, and next to you, she's the most competent nurse in these walls, fully equipped with a "take-no-shit" attitude that routinely keeps her patients in check.

When you really think about it, it'd be silly, downright irresponsible to trust anyone else.

Her offer is simply too good to dismiss.

"Thank you, Yuko," you cave, grabbing your spoon and finally allowing yourself to enjoy your meal. "You're...amazing. I don't deserve you."

She looks on happily. "Just promise me you'll take some personal time after this," she insists, worry evident in her voice. "We both know how much you care, but even superheroes need rest." She's too kind and right in more ways than one. "Besides, I think Gojo will like me, ya? I'm cool. I'm fun. He'll like a friend of friend?"

You roll your eyes—ya, totally, cool people definitely say they're cool.

Not knowing whether to joke back or wave her off, you softly smile at her concern before nodding, vowing to make good on your promise and feel a bit lighter knowing your wish for early release will actually come true.

Maybe.

The latest threat to your miracle in the making is Mr. Hampton, who is personally making it his business to drag the already long day by its edges, almost bringing time to a standstill with the way he's handling his bath.

Enormous and lumbering, the man Yuko usually deals with took his sweet time gathering his things and even longer trekking down the seemingly endless halls leading to the bathing area. Occupying every inch of the space like those massive trucks that hog the interstate, yet inching along at a pace that makes a snail look like it's in a sprint.

All that was missing were the yellow hazard lights.

Oh no, please, take your time, you think, watching Mr. Hampton clean each limb painstakingly s l o w in a tub that's comically too small for him. You may have been able to rush through Yuko's first patient, but this one wanted all that time back.

His pace resembles a giant's, and his cheery, nonsensical hums echo around the hollow chambers and lull you to sleep, turning your eyes into bricks under the spell of his melody. Perfect timing for the energy drinks from early to crash you out, tag teaming with the chair beneath you that feels a bit too soft as you lean over the tub, willing the colossal man to hurry up.

Warm water flows over your skin as you scrub circles on his neck, deciding to bite the bullet and take over the bath so he can play with the bubbles and get out when you hear a blood-curdling scream.

Your entire body goes rigid, shock reverberating through your spine and forcing you to halt as your mind goes blank. But steamy water brings you back to life, drenching your shirt and upper thighs when Mr. Hampton jumps from the noise.

The rude awakening makes you lock in.

The scream. It sounds like...no, you know it came from the west wing...where Gojo is.

And Yuko.

Hurried steps rush past your door, sounds of multidirectional distress and frantic shouts echoing through the corridor—staff members and patients alike sweep into a whirlwind of panic.

You're number one, dropping the scrubber and scrambling to help Mr. Hampton out of the tub, hands shaking as he grips them.

A security guard bursts into the room, face ashen and jaw tight.

"Nurse! We need everyone in the west wing, immediately!" The command is sharp, laced with an urgency you've never seen before.

And immediately feel responsible for.

"There's been an incident."

Without another thought, you wrap Mr. Hampton in a towel, trying your best to assure him that everything is fine when your obviously trembling body says nothing is. His confused gaze follows you as you lead him back to his room, the commotion in the air moving him a lot faster than earlier before you rush back out and head straight for the west wing—where chaos reigns supreme.

The usually pristine floors, normally squeaky clean due to lack of traffic, are now barely visible. Staff members crowd the familiar hall for the first time since Gojo made it his own, filling the space with more bodies than you're used to and making it difficult to find the source of trouble.

Not like you need to. The truth is painfully clear, and it's disrespectful to even pretend you don't know exactly what went wrong.

You push through the masses, clumsily bumping shoulders, your heart beating into your ears and making the world seem quiet as you inch closer and closer to disaster. Dragging imaginary shackles on your feet until you all but collapse once you spot it.

Gojo—barely restrained by guards, straitjacket nowhere in sight—standing absolutely furious.

And for the first time today, time seems to slow down, your mouth suddenly becoming dry when you look past him.

Yuko.

Halfway out the door to his room. Sprawled out on the ground. Bruised, unconscious, and no signs of breathing.

Your hands fly to your lips, mouth agape. Murmurs from the crowd swirl around you before attendants rush to Yuko's side, knocking into your pathetic frame as you stand too frozen to move.

They gently pick her up, careful to handle her motionless body and place her on a stretcher. Her usually vibrant face is drained of color, twisting the dagger in your chest when you spot the subtle rise and fall of her chest. Fighting for breath.

Fighting.

It hits you like a train.

Someone as kind as her, always greeting you with warmth and empathy and capacity every time she sees you, should never have to lift a finger let alone fight for her life. The sight is too much to bear.

Waves of helplessness crash over you and you can't even look at her. Regretting with every ounce of your being that you sent her in your place. Knowing this could happen. Concerned only with your silly wants and needs.

But you're so confused.

The ward should have weakened Gojo—Yuko should have been fine. The only threat Gojo has up his sleeve is mental torture but Yuko might as well be Freud. Her mind is sound, strong.

And that's where you fucked up, forgetting that Gojo's pure strength, especially when he's lost his fucking mind and triggered, is stronger.

Even with his security system in place, the devil is still powerful enough on his own. And like this was some sick and twisted experiment to help you figure that out, Yuko was the one to pay the price.

"I warned, I WARNED YOU!" Gojo's words pierce the overlapping voices like a sword, breaking your shock and drawing everyone's attention to the strange interaction between the two of you. "I don't like to be touched by strangers, Nurse." Guards struggle to restrain him as he pulls away.

All eyes fall on you and the stares are intense. Confusion and judgment.

Why was Yuko here in the first place?Where was Seph’?How’d he get out?How did this happen? 

Whether the murmurs are real or in your head, the effect is all the same, and you wish you could just completely vanish. Standing like a deer in headlights—and they're so fucking bright.

But Gojo is brimming with malice and amusement, chaotic energy pulsing from the hellish man and threatening to send sparks flying. Daring someone to be brave and push the button.

But despite his outward display of dominance, the pure rage on his face that makes you feel sick to your stomach about every decision you've ever made, there's something...uncertain lurking behind those fiery eyes.

Something like...apprehension.

Like he knows he's done something wrong.

Yet, words escape you, as if anything needs to or even could be said. But soon, fear and guilt turn to anger, threatening to consume you. Ready to eat you alive and spit out the bones with disgust because you are not a victim.

You have no right to stand here, spineless, shocked, or feeling even a little sorry for yourself. Holding back tears because you know what you've done.

Your fists clench, unsure how to deal with it, but there's fire in your eyes because someone needs to pay.

But then you exhale, thoughts shifting to Yuko as you take a good look around at what happened the last time you decided to take things into your own hands. All of your actions, even now, are rooted in selfishness. Like you've learned nothing.

Pushing down the knot growing in your stomach, you turn away to follow the medics, deciding your friend needs you more than you need revenge. Gojo doesn't deserve any more of your attention, even if it means risking your job or life to turn your back on him.

And there's nothing Gojo hates more than being ignored.

Struggled and strained noises grow louder. Guards tighten their grip on the fuming man whose raw strength outnumbers thousands of them even without his cursed energy.

You look back, their determination to keep him contained making you nervous. You don't anyone else to get hurt and Gojo is fully exploiting that.

You're painfully aware that your decisions have put you in this position, watching the guards' valiant but increasingly pointless effort to prevent Gojo from causing further harm. But it's obviously a losing fight, and the unease on their faces is unmistakably clear.

You wonder why they don't just run like hell.

"Let's go," a guard barks, but Gojo remains fixed in place. Moving a boulder would be easier.

"No, I'm filthy," Gojo protests, smirking, "And if I don't have my bath soon, there will be hell to pay."

Seeing no one else in the room, his eyes are locked only on you, his expression a menacing promise that would send anyone else running for the hills. A look that says, "Try that shit again, and there will be casualties instead of mercy."

Reinforcements are called but it won't be enough. The goddamn military wouldn't be enough. Gojo is...the strongest, after all.

"Stop."

Your cry freezes the room. Everything goes silent.

You hesitate, fuck, what should you do?

What can you do? No one else can suffer—no one else should suffer. Because of you.

Taking a deep, shaky breath, you silently apologize to Yuko, swallowing a lump instead of looking back.

"I'll do it," you say firmly, "Just stop this and...and I'll give you your bath. Please—" The sharpest pang you've ever felt cuts through you. "—just don't hurt anyone else."

Pathetic. But necessary.

He looks into your pleading eyes with surprise, amazement even, before smiling.

The submission in your voice sounds better than anything he could ever imagine. A sweet tones that feed his already inflated ego.

Unsure of how to proceed, the guards exchange uneasy glances.

Gojo's strength is undeniable, that much is evident, and restraining him forever is simply not possible.

You know offering to give him what he wants is risky as hell...but this is your doing. Your mess to clean up.

So you squeeze your sweaty palms and give a decisive nod, signaling at the guards to let him go. They hesitate a second, then reluctantly agree, stepping back and leaving Gojo standing smugly before you.

Closing your eyes, you breathe, hating to have to look at him, but needing to stay strong. For Yuko. For yourself. And everyone else in the ward.

But Gojo's satisfied grin says it all. He's won this round.

You're ready to get the next over with.

The squeaking of your shoes has never been this loud, each echo bouncing off the empty halls and reminding you of how alone you are.

Alone—with a psychopath.

A bit more docile, doped-up psychopath but, the man could probably still rip someone's head clean off if he wanted to.

Still, Gojo despises anything that alters his body—mentally, physically, all of the above. Alcohol, medication, coffee, energy drinks—anything that threatens his need for absolute control.

But he also needed to compromise, and you refused to be alone with him again unless he took something stronger. Otherwise, it would be you, all the guards in the ward, and a pay-per-view premiere of his bath time.

He knew he had to agree because his ass is not for free, but only if you took it as well.

You blinked, hard.

You knew he would be skeptical—hell, it could be poison, and he wouldn’t blame you. But to suggest something so ridiculous?

"Half, then," he said, as if that made his suggestion any less idiotic, but, as you waited for your supervisor to dismiss the insane idea, the back and forth with Gojo actually didn't save you. And you didn't need to ask why. The entire ward shoots daggers at you any time someone walks by now.

Your supervisor reassured you that you'd be fine, the mild tranquilizer would be out of your system by the end of the day, then she patted your back as if to say, "Lay in the bed you made."

It felt unreal, holding the familiar pill between your fingers, one you were used to dishing out but now had to take.

With a quick snap, you broke it in half, holding his half out to the leering man. Gaze unwavering as he leaned forward and parted his lips, waiting. Taking a deep breath, you placed them both on your tongues, in disbelief at your reality, but Gojo's focus was elsewhere, not wasting this prime opportunity to rattle you more and taste you, closing his lips around your fingertip with a quick lick before you snatched away.

But it wasn’t quick enough to avoid the tingles shooting up your arm as you swallowed, no longer needing the water you had set aside, and a confusing mix of emotions churned as the tingles spread throughout your body.

Making good on his promise, he swallowed his own, still watching you with a knowing glint in his eyes. Like he knows what he does to you. And despite just witnessing this man's violence firsthand, you'd give anything to deny that he still has an effect on you. Hating yourself for being more concerned with the way he looked at you and the lingering sensation on your skin than the tranquilizer now coursing through your system.

The guards carefully lead you and Gojo to his private bathroom—they're more there for show than for protection, but you'll take what you can get, and they keep a firm grip on his replacement straitjacket.

You trail behind, mind buried with thoughts of what to say once you're really alone with him.

The door shuts behind you, followed by the familiar sound of a series of locks clicking shut. "We'll be right outside," one of the guards mutters, eyes shifting between you and Gojo, a stereotypical warning lacing his voice, but even he probably doesn't believe it.

"Perv," Gojo sneers and laughs, but you don't find a damn thing funny, the keys to his jacket digging into your palms as you spin around and face him, furious. What would be better? Slapping him, kicking him, or knocking his teeth out. Or should you be particularly evil and just let him sit in the shower, fully restrained and drenched in cold water and you let it rain down. None of the above will do you any good, but it'll show him exactly how done you are with his shit.

"That isn't funny. None of this is funny," it fumes out before you know you're speaking, "You've hurt someone—you hurt my friend." Your rage echos through the vast bathroom.

Gojo's laugh fades, his smug expression slipping from his face. Even you're surprised.

...oh shit.

You're actually confronting him.

The intense words burn through his usual arrogance, leaving a heavy, uncomfortable silence between you.

Then, for a fleeting second, his face does something weird.

Something you haven't seen before as his eyebrows draw together. Is that...regret?

"I'm sorry."

The record scratches. You’re fully positive you must be dreaming.

But when he doesn’t make a joke or even crack a smile, you squint at him.

The words are muttered and reluctant, but there they are, hanging in the air between you.

"It...won't happen again."

And he's serious, the same seriousness you see when his heart races as you take his vitals...but why? Because an apology? From him?? Unheard of.

Gojo has said some nasty things to you in the past that you've immediately scolded him for, but he's never apologized. He'd make a note when certain jokes didn't land, but he never took them back, preferring to cut out his own tongue than to waste his breath being sorry.

You know better than to take anything Gojo says at face value, but...what the fuck??? You almost feel offended.

He has to be joking, fucking with you to dig even deeper under your skin.

Or is he?

Fuck, you don't know how to feel.

He's so good at that, stealing the air back and hanging his words in them. Tempting you to pause and even consider if he ever truly means them. If he could mean them. The mind games are endless.

But then, the familiar cockiness returns and overshadows your doubts, twisting your stomach into knots with that familiar smile of his.

"Now," he says, strutting towards the stalls, "let's get this bath started, shall we?" And his easy, but confident steps call you to follow, a stark reminder of who you're dealing with. But he never knows when to quit. "Or should I really have to suffer for my actions?" and the bastard pouts.

Though you know he's being sarcastic and not to feed into his taunts, you can't help but wonder—what would suffering even look like for someone like Gojo?

Violence? Physical pain? A slow and agonizingly painful death?

But the guy is damn near invincible. What on earth could hurt him?

Whatever it is, it would have to be his absolute worst nightmare, but nothing comes to mind at the moment other than frustration because you have to keep making choices.

Return his energy or keep it professional? Tolerance or revenge?

"Apologizing won't cut it," you snap and gesture at his jacket, wondering how the hell he slipped out of the first one without leaving a trace. "And no tricks, or those guards will be back in here faster than you can tell another lame joke."

Smooth.

Gojo sighs sooo dramatically, like he can see straight through your kitty claws. "Fine, fine. Loosen up," he drags, "I won't cause any trouble. Just don't go getting any ideas now, Nurse." and he winks.

He's insufferable—but despite your smoldering anger, tendrils of doubt still creep in.

Your fingers slightly tremble as you begin to unfasten his straps, but each click feels a bit like victory, a fragile illusion of your 'control'—at least for now—because at the end of the day, Gojo had chosen you to listen to. And after today, he's sure you won't forget there isn't room for anyone else.

The jacket falls with a heavy thud, your eyes immediately scanning his upper body in search of any signs of injury or stress. The cascading bruises on his arms surprise you.

They feel so feeble in your hands; the evidence of him not as invincible as he seems is jarring. Pale, weak, and resting between your fingers. Devoid of the power that makes him so feared.

"Never seen bruises before," he tilts his head, "at least not on me"

You hope Yuko was at least partly responsible for the marks on the villain, but they appear self-inflicted, and he's not as mobile.

Fuck, now you'll have to bathe him too. Still, it's strange, seeing him like this. Even weirder knowing that he could still do damage in this state and you can't shake the feeling of this temporary 'truce'. If it isn't obvious by now, you've learned that Gojo always has something up his sleeve.

Warm water soothes you a bit, flowing over your fingers as it fills the large white tub—pristine, imported from somewhere far away, and standing on decorative claw feet. Your eyes wouldn't stop rolling the first time you saw it, completely annoyed with Gojo's over-the-top alterations and sense of style, but you'd be a liar if you said you never thought about sinking your body into it.

The best you could do was cope with the little porcelain tub in your apartment, and you get lost thinking about how you'd love to take a long, hot, and steamy bath when you get home—if you'll even have the energy. There's no way you'll be leaving early now, not like you deserve it, and you feel sick for even thinking about it. You doubt you'll even have a job tomorrow.

You look so defeated Gojo thinks, sauntering forward and lifting the hem of his shirt. You turn away, focusing instead on the temperature of the water, but the rustling sound of his shirt being pulled overhead and pants falling to the ground warms your cheeks.

His physique certainly isn't lacking, even in his current state, but still, you wonder how such a slim but toned frame could be so...powerful.

Could you be more obvious? Your flickering eyes are so telling, shamefully darting between him and the water, but he catches your gaze from the corner of his eye as if he's read your mind. How cute, he thinks, trying to hide away your thoughts.

Clearing your throat, you toss in his loofah. "Well...go on. It's ready." But Gojo only grins, amused by your attempts to look away despite seeing his muscled frame a number of times. Relishing in the fact that he still manages to fluster you.

"Your shirt," he eyes your top, "Your pants. Looks like you've already started without me."

The water stains from earlier sit beautifully across your chest, not yet fully dry, and drawing his eyes to your semi-erect nips.

His teeth tug at his bottom lip, eyes shamelessly raking over your hefty chest. "Always such a tease, aren't you, Nurse?"

You grit your teeth, cursing the conflict swirling in your stuttering heart, fully aware of the thin line between professionalism and this game of intimacy he refuses to stop playing. Everything is always a game no matter the circumstances. And he loves to push your buttons.

"Just get in, Gojo," you order, and after what feels like an eternity, the silence is broken by the sound of splashing water as he steps into the bath.

He slowly sinks in, sighing at the warmth of the water. Ringlets of steam engulf him, almost making his silky white hair disappear with it.

His arms string over the rim of the tub, a look of relaxation resting on his face as if he's had a long, hard day. You resist the urge to slap it off.

Sudsy bubbles form from the solution you pour under the faucet, hoping to shield your eyes from his body. You've seen enough today and expect the mini-rebellious act to piss him off, but as the bubbles grow, so do his eyes. Picking up a handful, he actually starts playing with them.

"Nice touch," he adds, blowing them right into your face, and you watch with a tight lip as he decorates the bathroom with them, knowing you'll be the one to clean it all up.

He sits a crown on his head and gives himself a bubble beard, nipping your nose with some that you're quick to wipe away, and his pale eyes flutter and settle on you in a curious way.

His arms flex as he leans over the edge—steam-slicked sweat dripping down his face that he doesn't bother to wipe away. "I'm ready for my sponge bath," he says, and if it was hard to take him seriously before, it's damn near impossible now—especially with that ridiculous bubble mustache.

Sickening, him still being so playful, so unserious, at a time like this.

You know Gojo's unhinged, yeah, quote, "mentally unwell and a literal danger to society", but to nearly take someone's life and then make jokes afterward?

God, you feel so stupid, walking around him like you were the shit but with the wrong guard up the whole time, playing right into his hands and accidentally rewarding this grown-ass man who likes to play with suds.

The reality of your circumstances replays in your head, the story of how you ended up here, coddling this monster, and you're still confused as hell as to why it had to be you.

Then again, this is what you signed up for...right? To heal. To help those who can't help themselves. To offer redemption some sort of redemption no matter how sick and twisted the person in need is.

With your loofah in hand, you resist the urge to roll your eyes for the 400th time today and keep your morals in mind. "Keep talking like that and I'll stop, Gojo," you say, reluctantly drenching the tool in soap before proceeding to do your job.

Gently washing his back, he sinks into your touch, closing his eyes and letting his body completely rest on the cool cast iron, breathing. Feeling like he's won no matter what you say because your scrubs feel like magic.

Across his arms and over his broad shoulders, you work your way down, bubbles glistening in your trail as you're careful not to miss a single inch of skin but don't linger too long.

Every now and then, you catch glimpses of raised marks between the foam, and because you hate yourself, your brain absolutely refuses to give you a break. You have to give kudos to his dedication to his craft. The muscle definition, the scar tissue telling stories of battles won, the evidence of his past before corruption—everything it takes to be a hero.

It's unsettling, yet fascinating, the polarity between his beauty and his monstrous deeds.

You've never really noticed because this level of care is another first for you. Usually, Gojo just hops into the shower and takes care of himself while you wait outside—easy and thorough but always taking his sweet time, all while loudly singing some annoying song that inevitably ends up stuck in your head.

But after today, it'll be impossible to trust him or you again, and the hushed whispers as the guards walked you both to the restrooms made that abundantly clear.

The pitiful thoughts seep into the way you hesitantly clean him, moving down to his chest and abs while making sure to avoid more sensitive areas, but the malicious glint in his eyes is unmistakable.

"Whatsamatter, Nurse?" Gojo taunts, feeling you slow around his stomach, "Afraid of gettin' too close?" And you can't believe you're praying for a speedy recovery for this monster so he can handle this himself again.

You ignore his comment and try to get this over with as quickly as possible, feeling humiliated enough as it is and he can sense it, mocking you with a laugh.

"You're so uptight. Can't you just relax and enjoy the view?"

God, please make him shut up, begging for relief so you won't scrub his cocky brow right off his face. "Just doing my job," you mutter, twice squeezing the loofah that feels a little funny in your hand as the soapy water rinses his chest.

It feels heavenly on his skin, but the subtle change in your movements makes his brows furrow. Slowing, more deliberate, heavy as if you're wading through molasses. You keep adjusting your grip but the material feels so strange—the texture almost too soft like it could melt into your palm.

Your breath catches when you brush his skin, not realizing how close your fingers drifted to the edge of the sponge, and though it was only a second, it sends an unexpected jolt through his chest.

The muscle relaxers. How could you have already forgotten, you both think.

But Gojo, ever observant, doesn't miss a thing.

His eyes narrow slightly as he watches you. "Feeling a little funny, Nurse?" His velvet voice teases.

"I'm fine," you lie, though you couldn't be less certain as the muscles in your hands start to relax more than you intended, the sponge gliding over his abs, and down his sides, the rhythm almost hypnotic and making his head fall back. You try to push through the haze, to finish quickly and be free of him, but you're losing the battle against numbness and heightened awareness.

And fuck, he has to bite his lip at your touch that suddenly feels so intense, a sensation too good to keep to himself, and one that you obviously need to stop being such a tight-ass.

You need to loosen up in a way that medicine can't help. And Gojo knows just the trick.

He licks his lips, tongue curling over his canine before splashing a wave of water on you in one swoop.

Saying you gasp is an understatement as the steamy wash drenches your face and front once again, setting a new record as you're hit not once, but twice in a day. The loofah slips from your hand as you instinctively reach up to shield yourself, but Gojo is quicker, wrapping his hands around your wrists and holding you in place.

A scream is ready to surge from your body when Gojo maneuvers both of your wrists into one hand, placing a finger to your lips.

"Ssssh ssh ssh ssh ssh," he hushes, his voice a little too calm, "I'm not going to hurt you." A lone droplet hangs from your eyelash and he swipes it. "I just want you to listen."

You freeze, your nerves on fire as you're forced into close proximity with him for the second time today, inches away from his face that gradually softens.

Though you can easily call for help, you know better than to argue—he knows you know better too but he never felt threatened in the first place. Besides, he can feel your breathing slowing, the effects of the pill combined with his firm hold sending a faint buzz from your wrists to your stomach, and his finger remains on your lips as he brings his closer.

His eyes flicker to your bottom lip. "You're so good at your job, Nurse," smoothly pulling it with his thumb. "That's why I like you. You're thorough but real. Just what I need to keep me sane."

Sane?

"Sane," he repeats like he's heard your thoughts. "Believe it or not, you keep me grounded...like a good boy. Be proud, not a single soul here or anywhere else can compare to me, let alone deal with me, and yet...here you are." He looks at you like you're a marvel. "You can handle that...can't you?"

Words fail you. This feels rhetorical. Why does he keep torturing you like this? What is it about you?

You haven't really thought about it since your first few weeks with him but now he's forcing you to think about the little 'power' he's given you that he can easily snatch back.

What happens if he decides to go further than flirting?

You can't handle it, any of this.

Hesitating, you're unsure of what to say but know it could never be the truth.

Gojo must sense it because he leans closer, his breath warm on your cheek.

"If you leave, I just might crack completely, beauty." A breath you didn't realize you were holding slips. "How do you think everyone else will do against me then, hmm?" Gojo knows he's a prodigy, but still manages to surprise himself sometimes, his eyes lingering over the spots on your uniform soaked through just enough to make the fabric cling—perfect aim.

Ice shoots up your spine from the heat of his unadulterated gaze, but you refuse to let him see you falter, and he can almost feel a prick from the daggers in your eyes.

"Oh, don't be like that," he purrs, thumbs grazing your wrists in a mockingly gentle touch. "We all have our boundaries, right? I thought communication was key in a relationship."

"Let go of me," you find your voice, "We're done here."

His head slightly tilts.

Look at you calling the shots, he thinks. So strong, so very serious.

"God, I can't help it," he breathes, "You're so fun to mess with."

He could laugh in your face, have his way with you, and show you that your resistance means nothing, but instead, he slowly releases your wrists and lies back against the tub. "I know you think about it—there's nothing wrong with a little fun...right?" and though the connection is severed, you don't know if it's the drugs or just him that makes his amplified touch linger as you sheepishly rub your wrists.

Gojo watches you blush red—thoughts you didn't know lived within you rushing to the forefront as if he's pushed a button.

Grimy, raw, unwanted thoughts of forbidden fruit, wandering hands, and stolen touches in the dark, wondering what his idea of "fun" is like under the sheets. With a psycho named Gojo.

You feel like you should throw up in disgust but the nausea never comes, burning hot between your legs instead.

Fuck, you have to get out of here.

You draw a breath, forcing away the torturous daydreams and quickly finish his bath.

"You should rest," you firmly say and pull the plug to let the tub drain. "And don't expect any more favors from me."

He sits up slow, his expression stone-cold as he slicks back his wet hair. Then he smiles. "I promise. Now dry me off?" he quips.

You ignore his request, swiftly handing him a towel before he can flash you. With a gruff, you lower to your knees, beginning to dry the floor of his messes and hoping to distract yourself from your questionable sanity.

The sounds of rustling fabric fill the chamber as he dries off, and once you figure it's safe, you look up to find a nude Gojo. Dripping with bubbles, hair plastered to his derpy face, and toned muscles, all the muscles, presenting themselves in all their glory.

The only things dry are his damn hands.

He throws the towel over his shoulder, sauntering towards you with a wicked grin.

"Well, aren't you gonna help me put this thing back on?" He nods at the jacket he knows is more bullshit than security. "Don't want you getting all worked up again."

The first time your brain registered that Gojo was flirting with you was on your third day as his nurse.

"Well, aren't you a breath of fresh air?" Gojo was sitting on his bed, leaning against the wall. It was the second time he'd noticed how sluggish you looked while tending to him, suggesting with a grin that you must be quite the party animal.

Ha. If only.

You tsked, tossing his bedsheets into the hamper, and assured him that your sleepy eyes and dragging feet were the result of long hours and running on fumes. Having time for fun was just a dream.

"I don't get out much myself," he says, alluding to the situation he's in, wearing sarcasm like a necklace. "I love a good night in as much as anyone else but, I don't know. The stuffiness hasn't grown on me yet."

You tugged the collar of your scrubs—the air did feel a bit thick, like the room hadn't been aired out in ages and you couldn't help but wonder how long he'd been sitting in it—how he could. That alone would be enough to drive you up a wall.

Sunlight flickered in your eyes, and you raised your hand to block it, noticing the small window perched above his chair.

"Let's open this then," you said, walking over and wrestling with the ancient wood for a moment before finally pulling the creaky flap up to the ceiling.

A sliver of your midriff peeked out as you stood on your toes to reach it, but what captured Gojo's attention most was the way the sun rays washed over your face. You scrunched your nose, the breeze sending wisps of your hair to tickle it, and he imagined the feel of your strands between his fingers.

The view was beautiful, you thought, hands gripping the warm bars. Trees surrounded the vast area, stretching out as far as you could see, the pathway to civilization completely covered in dense forest from this angle.

You never realized how high up his ward was—or how long the drop was from here.

"Too bad I'm not small enough to slip through those bars." He rubbed his stomach. "But you know me, 'Mr. BigBack.'"

He joked around as he usually did, looking to trigger your defenses, but your reaction was...odd.

Not only was this the first time anyone cared to do something so simple for Gojo, but it was also the closest anyone had gotten to him without their knees buckling.

The first two days of your trial, the Director had guards posted right outside of Gojo's door, their presence a constant reminder to stay alert and maintain a safe distance from the convict. Gojo was positive the mental barrier would keep a wall between you forever.

But then, you laughed. A real laugh. Snickery and cute. Finding his joke funny instead of threatening.

It surprised him, that sound, so natural and pure without hesitation. And he wanted to hear it again and again and again. "Who knew you could bring so much light into this place?" he sighed.

Later at lunch, you sat with Yuko, having your usual midday catch-up. You never start with yours but she, like most people in the ward then, was absolutely dying to hear about how you were dealing with the villain of the century.

"He's actually not so bad...yet. Corny, but," you took a pondering breath, "He kind of thanked me today?"

She immediately scoffed and waved you off, and who could blame her?

You were an anomaly, Gojo already showed that he was capable of mercy and now he was thanking you??

Being polite was too far of a stretch to believe, you must have been mistaken. But when you gave her the deets on why he'd do such a thing, she nearly choked on her apple. "He said that??"

"Ya?" You patted her back with a concerned look.

"Watch out, Casanova," she teased, clearing her throat with a nervous laugh.

Her comment threw you off for the rest of lunch, but when you thought about it later that night while surfing for new shows, a light bulb went off.

He flirted with you.

Thinking it was just another one of those literal dry-humor jokes or simply gratitude for making his stay a little less crappy, it flew right over your head. You always feel warm inside when you help people so you didn't think too much about it.

To you, it was just a kudos. Nothing more.

But the way Gojo stands in front of you now is everything.

As bold and brash as it gets.

Fuck. Me.

And your body betrays you, sending all of the vulnerable sensations you've been fighting to suppress from your soaking chest, tingling wrists, aching thighs, and heavy breath, straight to your throbbing clit.

Air escapes you and you couldn't feel more conflicted, scrambling to grab your supplies and leave.

Enough is enough. The guards outside can restrain him and escort him back to his room for all you care. You just have to get out of there.

Away from him.

Away from temptation.

Hot, overwhelming, guilty, mentally and physically unstable temptation.

In the quiet of the hallway a level below Gojo's ward, you lean against a wall, taking deep breaths and completely disgusted with yourself.

How are you supposed to keep dealing with this, with him?

This force that keeps pushing and pushing and pushing you to the edge until there's nowhere else to go. You can only imagine the hell the nurses he didn't like went through.

Taking care of him isn't getting any easier, and now you were fucking up and making mistakes.

But you're the only one who can do this. Who must.

So suck it up. Play along, Stop thinking only of yourself. Pretend.

Pretend.

Pretend?

...

What terrifies you the most is the thought that you may not have to.

You keep your scrambled thoughts to yourself when you're called into your Director's office at the end of the day.

You tell him the same story you told Yuko and take full responsibility for what happened, blaming it on exhaustion and needing a break. Swearing to never let it happen again.

By some miracle, you get to keep your job, though your one wish to leave early ended up costing you an hour and a half of unpaid overtime, and almost a friendship.

When you finally get home, you collapse onto your bed—images of the day, the ward, and Yuko flooding your thoughts, refusing to be pushed aside. You tell yourself that it's just the guilt talking, just anxiety gnawing at your edges.

But then there's Gojo.

The most prominent one of all.

Staring you in the face with lifeless eyes and a ghostly smile. Tugging on your moral strings like a puppet.

When you close your eyes, you can't shake the feeling that he's waiting for you, a lurker in the shadows watching and anticipating your every move. Have you become predictable? Now you're wondering if you could do something he wouldn't expect.

Leave it. Leave it. Le—

You're scrolling through your phone on a deep-diving, scouring the web for any info on your tormentor.

His past, his affiliations, anything to tell you who Gojo was, and who he is now.

But the man is an anomaly.

Not much is known about him outside of mainstream news and internet rumors.

He's just this guy that kind of popped out of nowhere in the worst way possible, conveniently on the tail of what could have been the most devastating incident in the history of Tokyo.

The media says he's a hero gone rogue but not much else. They've damned him to hell and that was that. Even the Director disclosed very little about him during your briefing and you weren't allowed access to his files or records because it's all 'confidential'.

Nothing.

The more you search, you less that comes up. Not even silly conspiracy theories that you definitely thought would be riddling Reddit. The longer you scroll, the more you find yourself beginning to question your own mind. Your interest. Sweet little buds of obsession.

Even though you hated taking it earlier, you actually need the pill now more than ever to relax as sleep eludes you and your mind wanders to imaginary scenarios as you stare at the ceiling. 

Tomorrow, you'll have to face Gojo again. And the day after that and the day after that and every day after.

In between your nearly non-existent off days, you'll have to see him and decide what face you want to put on.

Because you simply cannot walk away.

After all, he's right—no one else can handle him like you can.

extended angel's note:

when i originally decided to make this into short story, i had no plans on using a y/n perspective. it was just going to feature an OC name i’ve used in stories before, named Persephone, buuuut i decided to wanted to keep it immersive and include no physical descriptors/personality specifics bc i knew i wanted to upload it to tumblr. 

to keep it reader-friendly, yk? 

alas, Persephone has had her claws in me the entire time i’ve been editing and said with her whole chest that i couldn't just dismiss her like that chile. so i decided changed the perspective but keep her name in place of y/n. 

you won’t see it too often in the story bc it’s not super significant or said a lot in general, bUT it is relevant for a certain moment later in the story. you’ll know when you know 🤭. 

anyway, hope it doesn't bother you guys too much. and def feel free to mentally plug your name when you see it to keep yourself grounded into the story.

tag list p.1: @reddiamondjazz @kiwismoother @rune1920 @blkkizzat @suguwife

@xerroe @enthyn @gloomuri671 @ressyshi @startatdawn

@khenanadeche @heijihatsutori @inluvkai @ixqiix @strawnanamilk

@rosso-seta @05-simply-06-simping @sims-4lifers @bratidol @rh-tg1

@hyunsuks-beanie @n1vi @luna-v-roiya @neteyamsluvr111 @supsiii

@natadecoco30 @chiyokoemilia @ririoutspoken @kyoxko @strawberrymilkshakes-posts

@nen-nyy @cinnamorochiroll @kazeniya @maybe7tommorow @sxnkuna

@misoyuh @lupitalove @sebastianlover @gojosatorubrainrot @sleepiebunniee

@mmmidkman @theonecrackhead @thathorsegotpoobrain @iveivory @samistar

@yuuan-66 @gojoslefttoenail @soyalovestoyap @winkwonks-world @thebiggestsimpforyou 

[fiddleyoumust]

Let’s talk about queerness and High School Frenemy. There’s a large portion of BL fandom that refuses to engage with the show, and while that rubs me the wrong way, I do understand it. If you only wish to consume queer media, it’s easy to dismiss HSF since it is not explicitly queer. It’s also a show that on a surface level, looks like classic queerbaiting. And before I get a bunch of HSF fans in the tags or comments, I am a huge fan of this show. It is possibly the best thing I’ve watched all year. But on a surface level, it is doing the literal definition of queerbaiting even if I personally do not think it is. 

As a person who is OLD and came of age in the 90s, I do want to talk about this show from a queer perspective. I grew up in a time when queer characters were not abundant. If they did show up in media, it was newsworthy. These characters were always support characters and seldom had love interests or explored what it was like to be queer. None of them looked like me or made me feel seen or represented. Heteronormativity was the standard, as it is today, but back then, a queer kid seldom encountered anything that made them question that heteronormativity. 

HSF, and Shin and Saint specifically, resonate with me more than most queer media I’ve consumed, and I’ve consumed a lot. The intense, obsessive love that Shin and Saint have for each other under the guise of friendship IS my story. For me, it was a wild girl named Jennifer, who I was attached to the hip with from 6th grade until our early twenties. I loved her. I was obsessed with her. I was probably in love with her, but it never occurred to me until years after we’d stopped speaking that what I felt for her was more than friendship. The heteronormative brainworms are real, and they infected me until my late 20s when I suddenly had a revelation about myself. 

Hindsight is 20/20. Suddenly, my obsession with Charlize Theron in Two Days In The Valley, Helen Hunt in Twister (1996), and Kate Winslet in Titanic made so much sense. My relationship with Jennifer was also at the forefront of my mind. Ah, I thought. That’s what that was.

HSF is a show about friendship, a show about community, a show about the ways adults fail their children, a show about class and poverty. It is also a show about unrealized queerness. The director, Fon, told that story purposefully through music, lighting, and dialogue, she told a story about two boys who can’t live without each other, but don’t have the knowledge, the vocabulary, or the self-awareness to understand what they are to each other.

In every choice Fon made, she dangled queerness without explicitly naming it. I would call it queerbaiting in any other media,  but for me, she made one other choice that I believe is purposeful and elevates this show into the queer category for me. She completely stripped the show of heteronormativity. There are no couples. None. We never see Chatjen’s parents. Any parents we do see are single - Ken’s father, Shin’s mother, Saint’s father, Cable’s mother.

In any other media, the male and female homeroom teachers with clashing teaching styles would  be an enemies-to-lovers side plot. Here, they grow into supportive co-workers and friends who become better versions of themselves to help the children in their class. In any other media, there would be talk of crushes among the teenagers. Here, we see them grapple with the pressures of academia, abusive or absentee parents, bullying, drugs, and the hopelessness of poverty. In fact, the only mention of sexuality or romance at all comes from Eve, a girl who befriends Airy, a girl from their rival school, and confesses that she had a crush on her when she was younger. Nothing comes of this revelation, even though we see Airy become curious and seek out Eve’s company prior to this revelation, and we see how pleased Airy is about Eve’s confession. But this is a show about unrealized queerness and even Eve and Airy, two girls who understand what they are feeling for one another, still can’t bring themselves to name it.

The lack of heterosexuality creates a void that is filled by Shin and Saint’s relationship. It’s purposeful, and Director Fon uses other friendships in the show to highlight the ways Shin and Saint are not the same. Knot, Nate, and Ken are extremely close friends. They, too, have a “no one left behind” friendship pact. They fight for each other and get hurt for each other and very obviously love each other. Chatjen and Shin’s friendship is also very deep. Chatjen considers Shin his best friend. He hero worships him a bit and sees him as his protector and savior. Yet, anyone watching can understand the ways the producers use music, lighting, costuming, and dialogue to elevate Shin and Saint’s relationship above all the other ones. 

High School Frenemy is queer. Shin and Saint are purposefully queer coded in a world devoid of heterosexuality. You are seeing what you are supposed to see, and it's a hill I’ll die on. If you were on the fence about this show, I can not recommend it enough. It’s great and will leave you feeling warm and happy and loved. If you only consume explicitly queer media, I still encourage you to watch it. Sometimes, our queerness eludes us. Sometimes it’s hidden under other words like “friendship” because we haven’t learned the right words for it yet. I enjoyed watching a show that reminded me of my youth and gave me a glimpse of the girl I used to be. She was still queer even if she didn't know it yet.

[jennyboom21]

It might seem strange, especially for those who only know Marshawn Lynch for his football career, to see the Super Bowl champ in a comedy about queer high school girls launching a fight club.

Bottoms (in theaters now) features the 37-year-old former NFL star in a scene-stealing role as Mr. G, a clueless teacher overseeing the feminist after-school club launched by Rachel Sennott’s PJ and Ayo Edebiri’s Josie. Even the film’s director and co-writer, Emma Seligman, admits she initially thought landing Lynch was a long shot.

“It was such a random movie for him to be in that I was so shocked that he even was considering it,” the Shiva Baby filmmaker (who goes by she/they pronouns) tells PEOPLE.

But the real reason for this unlikely casting is altogether more personal: Marshawn Lynch’s queer sister, Marreesha Sapp-Lynch, says he asked her whether to add Bottoms to a growing acting résumé that includes Westworld and Murderville.

“From the beginning when he read the script, he said that I came to mind,” recalls Sapp-Lynch, 34. “I was like, ‘Most definitely you should do it.’ I just told him, ‘It'll get you to understand, get more knowledge about the lesbian community.”

Like the characters of PJ and Josie, Sapp-Lynch has identified as a lesbian since high school. It felt easy coming out to her mother Delisa, she remembers — “She'll tell me to this day, 'I always knew you liked girls!'” — but brothers David, Marshawn and Davonte had a less straightforward reaction.

“They were understanding, but they didn't understand,” Sapp-Lynch tells PEOPLE. “Marshawn had a lot of questions and was thinking it was his fault: ‘What did I do?’ Because growing up he would always say I couldn't have a boyfriend, ‘You can't talk to boys.’ We’d go to a party and he'd be asking everybody, ‘Did you dance with my sister?’ But I wasn't attracted to boys, so I didn't dance with them!”

Her brother has accepted and celebrated her sexual orientation since those teenage years, Sapp-Lynch says. Case in point: Marshawn helped plan her 2021 wedding and walked her down the aisle.

“I asked him to walk me down the aisle because our dad passed away,” says Sapp-Lynch with a smile. “He cried the whole time,” she adds.

“He doesn’t cry — or I don't see him cry. The fact that he did cry and shed some tears, it meant a lot to me.” (Marshawn was so invested in his sister’s wedding, in fact, he urged the pair to reschedule it from 2023 to 2021. “He was very much involved in the whole planning... He called us at 5:00 a.m. talking about the cake designs and party favors.”)

But with Bottoms, a comedy produced by Amazon’s Orion Pictures and Elizabeth Banks’ Brownstone Productions, Marshawn had a bigger opportunity to honor his sister. Discussing the role of Mr. G with the footballer, Seligman, 28, remembers thinking there must have been “more of a connection here beyond him wanting to be in a funny movie or something.”

“In his words, he said he wasn't amazing about it when Marreesha came out in high school and that he felt like this was the universe giving him a chance to right his wrongs,” she adds. “He made it seem like that was really what was interesting him the most about it.”

Throughout the film’s shoot in New Orleans, Seligman says, “he kept on bringing up Marreesha.” Especially when Sapp-Lynch and her wife visited the set, she recalls, “He kept on being like, ‘That's my sister.’ In a way where it was like a proud parent [of queer kids] — a proud brother.”

And when Orion Pictures president Alana Mayo suggested Marshawn for Mr. G, Seligman says, she realized it might expand the moviegoing audience of Bottoms. “Him believing in these girls and getting to know them and getting to understand them means a lot in the grand scheme of things within the crazy conservative town that they're in.”

Plus, the story’s homophobic characters are obsessed with the high school football team, Seligman points out. “To have a legendary football player like him playing this character that's getting to know this subsection of this town, and see them as real people with valid desires and hormones and feelings — that's pretty cool that Marshawn is representing that kind of straight, male character.”

Sapp-Lynch agrees, and says seeing a movie full of gay characters like Bottoms while coming out in high school “would've helped me make me feel easier, make me feel better about me being who I am.”

“I didn't understand my sexuality in high school, so I actually think it might've freaked me out,” admits Seligman. “It would've excited me. Maybe it would've jumpstarted some things!”

Of co-writing the film with Sennott, she says, “I really just wanted to see my high school self in a stupid comedy.” She recalls a quote from Edebiri: “Being stupid is a political act.”

“Just having queer characters in something so silly and that's not serious feels subversive,” Seligman continues. “I don't think we're trying to prove anything political or have some sort of deeper message or meaning out of the movie. Other than ‘Gay people can be funny, sexy and horny, and that's normal.’ Sometimes just normalizing something is enough.”

“Marshawn in the movie,” she adds, “beyond him being a wonderful actor and improviser and a lovely human being, it is wild that it might be seen by so many more people who wouldn't have otherwise seen it.”

[its-a-ducky-mess]

Speculation: NarraDad Theory

I've personally seen the assumption that the Narrator is Sarah's dad/caretaker quite a few times around the Sarah & Duck fandom. The question of if he's Sarah's dad is also common enough to be an autofilled Google question, akin to the question about Sarah's potential autism.

So we're going to take a little look into this theory. Admittedly it's not one with a whole lot of things to talk about, but it is a very present idea within certain fans.

Supporting Evidence

Obviously, Sarah, Duck, and the Narrator are never far apart throughout the entire show. The Narrator is never seen, but always there by their sides. This gives the impression that the Narrator keeps a close eye on Sarah and Duck, making sure they're safe, akin to a parent/guardian. In addition, they all share the same house, as both Sarah and the Narrator use "our" when referring to their home.

In addition, the Narrator has some of his possessions in the attic. Most prominently is the box of old toys in, well, Old Toys. Which judging from Sarah's shocked reaction of calling the Narrator's toys "really old", she at least has somewhat of a frame of reference for the Narrator's age despite him never making a physical appearance.

The Narrator is also of course kind and supporting of Sarah and whatever she decides to do in her day to day life.

The Narrator is proven further to have a physical presence despite never appearing once. He comments about waiting on his own after Sarah and Duck play while Cake is baking during Cake Bake. Also in Cake Bake, the Narrator is shown to have purchased the roller skates to gift to Duck. When the timer is done, Cake is already taken out and placed on the countertop, assuredly by the Narrator, as allowing Sarah, a seven year old child, to do so would be seen irresponsible. And during Constable Quack, Sarah and Duck look suspiciously towards the Narrator when they find their biscuits missing, indicated that he can in fact eat.

From a couple of perspectives, I've heard people propose the idea of the Narrator recording home movies with a camcorder in-universe, which is what we see as the episodes in real life. This would make sense, as the cameraperson wouldn't be seen under most circumstances. I personally remember watching some of my family's recordings on an old camera, and my parents manning the camera never panned to themselves. (My word is not gospel, however.) On a stranger note, fun fact: The Narrator isn't shown buying a movie ticket during Cinema Scoot, yet is present throughout the episode. It may be possible that he lagged behind the kids and bought a ticket of his own, before catching up to them a minute or so later.

Contrary Evidence

Sarah never refers to the Narrator by any sort of proper title, such as Dad, Pa, etc. In fact, she never refers to the Narrator in conversation at all. She never initiates conversation with him with any sort of greeting or sentence starter; No "hey", "hi", not even a "you there" or the like. Sarah only listens to him for as long as she needs to before talking to other people nearby. She also only directly asks the Narrator questions without any aforementioned sentence starters.

And perhaps most dismantling is an interview with series director and co-creator Tim O'Sullivan. One question and its response from this interview is directly as follows:

"Sarah and her friends live alone, parent and family free. The children are as mature as the adults; Scarf Lady and Sarah are equals. The narrator (voiced by actor Roger Allam) will often give Sarah advice, but just as often he watches as Sarah solves problems on her own. It’s a brilliant approach that feels a bit risky – kids living alone, no parents around. Was that an easy decision to make early on? Did Sarah have parents in early drafts of the show?

Thinking back we never even considered the parents. As a kid, I remember that feeling of living in a world of your own outside of parents; when you played that was the universe and the parents only broke the illusion when the fish fingers were getting cold. So when focusing on the imaginative adventures of child and her friend they weren’t deemed a necessary presence.

However, Narrator is always there, not to get in the way, but essentially play along like a parent behind a video camera and provide that sense of security that allows our characters to explore freely."

[Source: https://eviltender.com/2016/11/22/talking-sarah-duck-with-director-tim-osullivan/]

Of note is that Tim O'Sullivan says "like a parent" when describing the Narrator, even off-handedly using the video camera line as well.

Closing Thoughts

While the Narrator isn't and never was considered to have a parental role, I think it's a sweet interpretation of the character, hence why I said I was a "NarraDad truther" in another post. Depending on how you read between the lines, you could say Tim O'Sullivan never outright explicitly said "the Narrator isn't Sarah's dad". To be fair, it was kind of close to what he said.

This post is not intended to sway anyone to either side, as I believe fans should be free to interpret characters however they want so long as it's not problematic. I simply wanted to talk about the theory.

[melrosing]

MATE I have a feeling I am so late to this but what happened to your job!

lmao! so much! but I don’t have it anymore! ok you didn’t ask for the full story lmao but im always in the mood for venting lately so the full tale under the cut on What Happened With My Job

so without getting into detail they have been absolute asses all year!! like with each other the women in my team are like Bosom Pals but apart from a handful of pleasant people they just have no time for me lol it’s very cliquey??

anyway. we had some really difficult clients in the Spring who were ready to throw in the towel at every stage of our work process bc it was unfamiliar territory for them. I was leading the project but really struggling to meet their insane expectations like it was HUNDREDS of emails a day from like 8AM to 8PM and their ‘head of’ sometimes swearing at me on calls with a dozen other people and thinking I can work magic and get [MAJOR CELEBRITY] involved in a thing for them when objectively I can’t and just scream. anyway my directors get really uneasy because this is a big client and they don’t want them getting scared off so when the client starts reaching a crescendo of frustration they fully just scapegoat me right at the end of the campaign (at which point our results are great! lmao) and say it will be Dealt With

around the same time I start to realise that the business is failing and my ‘specialist position’ is typically the first kind to go and that COINCIDENTALLY they are on my ass day after day trying to insist im not meeting their ‘standards’ and genuinely making up the most insane reasons why not (like I know I’d be biased saying this but SERIOUSLY) so im like ohhh right. I see where this is going

THEN my dad gets goddamn incurable brain cancer and my whole life falls apart. and they suddenly have to be like ‘oh no. I am sorry this has happened. oh dear.’ I’m off two weeks having a complete mental breakdown until im kindly reminded that cough I’ve almost used up my statutory days of compassionate leave! but per company guidelines they do have to manage my workload whilst i er. struggle indefinitely w the emotional burden?? so my capacity is thus reduced and man you can tell they’re not thrilled about it

so they basically check in every Friday for a month saying ‘hope everything is ok can you take on more work yet’ CONSPICUOUSLY never asking how anything is going with dad (like when I first logged back in I had a catch up with my line manager and kind of tremulously started talking about what had happened and she literally said ‘it’s ok you don’t need to tell me the details’)

THEN I get GASTROENTERITIS 💃🏻 god knows how. but it’s a bad one and I physically can’t eat for a week man I eat like a banana a day and even that makes me sick lol. but whatever the first day I phone in and tell my director im not well. she’s like ‘WELL I ACTUALLY HAVE SO MUCH TO MANAGE RIGHT NOW SO THIS REALLY ISN’T HELPFUL LIKE I GET YOU CAN’T HELP BEING SICK BUT I REALLY NEED TO BE ABLE TO RELY ON MY TEAM TO SUPPORT COS WE HAVE A LOT COMING UP’ (I’m not even kidding)

so on the third day I log back in bc I feel like I need to just push through it but oh no im still vomiting my guts out so I message the same director ‘look I think maybe. I am still sick’ and she says NOTHING in response till I suddenly get a text from my LINE MANAGER saying ‘Hi. X says you say you still don’t feel well. We understand it’s food poisoning. That usually only lasts 24 hours’. LIKE??? apparently with all the compassionate leave I’d had to take, the sick leave was just too much for them to bear lmao so i got myself a goddamn doctor’s note and have to announce every day for the rest of that week ‘I’m still not well sorry’ (they never ever reply)

Then finally I recover and I log back in and my director doesn’t ask me how I am or anything literally just says ‘WELL let’s get straight to business’ and explains the status of everything at me for 20 mins going on about how stressful it all is.

And then an hour later I get a surprise call from my head of department telling me unforch they’re making me redundant. can’t be helped. understand this is a bad time for you personally. (said head of department has never addressed what bad thing is happening personally rn). and im in shock. till i figure that what with my dad this is probably an appalling time to make up some performance based reason to fire me so this was their only option

and then finally I see the paperwork and realise severance pay is a third of my annual salary. so i promptly get over it, log out halfway through the month whilst still being paid for my time till the end of it, and NOT ONE of those fuckers has even reached out to say goodbye in all that time but god knows I never want to hear from them again so?? fuck it! i told HR everything anyway I was like look I don’t want to take formal action but?? I think you should know.

and now im just gonna chill for Christmas w my dad and my fam and my pals and my cats and do my weird asoiaf shit on tumblr I guess lol. so there we go that’s what happened!!!!

tl;dr got made redundant lol

[juliepinsononline]

Work in Progress

(Soap Opera Weekly 97)

 

Sitting over lunch in the ABC commissary, Julie Pinson (Eve) very bluntly descripes her first few months' work on PC: "I sucked," she says with a hearty laugh. "Wendy Riche (executive producer) and all the producers and directors had a lot of patience with us and let us find our characters. In the first three weeks, they could very easily have recast. Instead, they gave me the chance to grow into Eve, and I think she's turned into something great."

She credits co-star Kin Shriner (Scott) for her rapid improvement. "He taught me about making the character my own. After we'd wrap up at the end of the day, sometimes we'd talk, and he'd tell me what I was doing wrong or right. He really took me under his wing and taught me a lot about acting," she says.

Pinson says Shriner's feedback helped her to improve her acting.

(click on image to see full sized pic)

Pinson claims that performing is in her blood. "My mother was a professional opera singer. I remember being little and watching her onstage. I was fascinated with the costumes and the makeup, and I wanted to be just like Mom." She got hooked on acting when she played Heidi in her Northern California forth grade class. "I remember all the adulation at the curtain call. My family was the loudest in the whole auditorium. I thought, 'If I do this, I'll get my family and everybody else to like me.'"

Pinson is very close to her parents; in fact, she calls herself a "typical daddy's little girl," which made it even more devastating at age 15 when her folks split up. Instead of confronting her feelings, she suffered the consequences of suppressing them. "I was in denial, and nobody recognized the signs," she explains. "I was going 'I's cool, it's cool,' and in the meantime, it was affecting me in very negative ways. I wanted to seem adult and be cool and understanding with the attitude, 'Listen, Mom and Dad, I want you to be happy, so don't worry about me.' It idnd't hit me until I was 20 or 21 when I started going, 'Dammit, why did they have to do that?'"

In retrospect, Pinson wishes she'd been more vocal about her feelings so that counseling might have been sought. "I'm a big believeer in therapy," she says. "it's helped me through some hard times. In situations like that, parents need to talk to the kids. The kids may say, 'It's cool, don't worry about it.' Unhuh," she says, shaking her head adamantly. "it will hit them eventually."

Shortly after high school, Pinson left the Bay area to work for Club Med. "It was a blast," she says, "I really learned how to be an adult, traveling by myself, not speaking the language in some places and having to fend for myself. I learned to speak a lot of languages, though, because every week there were 5oo new guests, many from Italy, Germany, France and Mexico.

"The biggest drawback was the long hours. It's a French company, so they don't have the labor laws we have in the States. Because you have to be with the guests all the time, you can't be crabby, have a bad day or be sick because there's nobody to cover for you. For the most part I just remember the good things now. After two years of that kind of schedule, I was ready to have three jobs when I moved to L.A. I was so programmed to work."

Pinson took an apartment in L.A. with her best friend, but her fear of rejection and her aversion to asking her parents for money kept her from pursuing her acting dreams. Instead, she worked for a temp agency and as a movie stand-in for a friend who was director of photograhpy. Her one line in The Mambo Kings got cut but earner her a Screen Actors Guild card, enabling her to work in the field. But she still struggled with her fears.

"Things weren't going too well," shares Pinson. "I called my dad in tears and said, 'I think I'm goingto give it up. I'm goin to get a job being a receptionist or go back to school. It's hard to live from paycheck to paycheck.' He said, 'You have always landed on your feet. You always will land on your feet. Don't give up. You will make it no matter what because that's who you are.'"

Pinson, who auditioned for three PC characters, related best to Eve.

(click on image to see full sized pic)

The actress consders her big break her screen test for the role of Billie on DAYS. Despite the resemblance to Lisa Rinna (ex-Billie), she didn't get the role. But it brought her some attention, and soon she auditioned for the part of Pilar on ATWT. After auditioning for PC, it seemed she was bound to get something, since they had her read for three roles: Eve, Julie and Karen. She was elated when she landed the part of Eve, her first real acting job. "Eve was the closest to me. I really understood her the best," Pinson says. "I love playing her because I get to be bad. I get to be sexy and I get to do things I wouldn't do in real life."

Not that Pinson doesn't have a bit of moxie of her own. "I want to jump out of an airplane, preferably with a parachute on," she teases. "And I want to get a Harley and learn to ride a motorcycle." She would also like very much to have a family some day, but everything is goin to have to wait while she focuses on her career. "I think God has a plan for me, and there's a reason why I've never had a serious relationship," she says. "I think if I'd had a serious relationship earlier on, I might not be where I am right now. There's a reason for everything."

Robyn Flans

[pscottm]

OKLAHOMA CITY (KOKH) — Some Oklahoma parents say they want to opt their child out of any Bible-related teaching.

A nonprofit called the Defense of Democracy created a Bible opt-out form that parents can fill out, and send to their child’s school district.

"Parental choice has always been a thing in public education," Regional Director and parent Erica Watkins said. "This [form] is just to kind of solidify that, and show that there are parents who don’t want their children to be involved in any Bible-based curriculum.”

State Superintendent Ryan Walters tells Fox 25 it's unfortunate that parents "have been lied to by these radical, left-wing individuals."

"Look, it’s history," Supt. Walters said. "You going to opt out of history? You going to opt out of math? You going to opt out of science next? I mean, here’s the reality: the Bible is the most cited book in the 17th and 18th century from the writers in America.”

As a Jenks Public Schools parent, Watkins doubles down on her stance against Walters' directive.

"I want my school to know there are parents in favor of letting the school do what they know is best, by the professionals and educational groups that have developed this curriculum," Watkins said. "We can't just have somebody coming in and saying "we need a Bible in every classroom" to fix the very real issues that are going on in public education."

Walters responds to that statement, saying the Oklahoma State Department of Education has been taking on how the "teachers unions destroyed education from day one."

"We have more parental rights than any other state," Walters said. "We've brought in teacher pay based on performance. We have record signing bonuses, and we've driven up scores through our tutoring programs. Very proud of the work we're doing. Frankly, we're setting a blueprint for every state to follow on how to get education back on track. We are happy to take this state away from the path the teachers unions had it on: a Marxist dumpster fire, and putting it in on the right track to be a leader in the country."

Nonprofit co-chair for Payne County and Stillwater Public Schools parent Saralynn Boren says if her district has the Bible in the classroom, she will fill out the template.

"You don’t know what is going to be taught," Boren said. "When your kids go to church, they’re being taught by someone who is an expert in that religion, so you know that they’re going to be taught well. Whereas if you’re just having a random teacher teach that, you have no idea what that teacher’s background is. There's no telling what kind of lesson they're going to get from the Bible if you have just a random teacher teaching it. This is really not something that's in their area of expertise. We should let the teachers take the teachings of things that our kids need to be taught in school."

Walters reiterates that it's unfortunate how "leftists have lied" to parents.

"It's in its historical context," Walters said. "When it fits into the standards as they've been laid out for years now, we're going to make sure those standards are taught. There's absolutely moments, like when the pilgrims came to America so that they could practice their religious liberty, what religious liberty are we talking about? We're not going to lie to kids and say, 'Well we're not going to tell you that it was Christianity.' We're not going to lie to kids and not quote the Bible when Martin Luther King Jr. quoted the Bible."

The state superintendent offers a final thought to concerned parents.

"I’m going to continue to stand with the parents of Oklahoma who want to make sure their kids have history taught to them not through a Marxist perspective being pushed by the teachers unions and Kamala Harris, but a robust history that understands American exceptionalism and frankly, includes the Bible in its historical role."

Walters says he's not not forcing religion on kids, and that he wants to make sure they understand the Bible from a history standpoint. Watkins tells Fox 25 she doesn't believe that.

"Walters' rhetoric of saying that the Bible also correlates with American history is just nonsensical," Watkins said. "It's political pandering to his base. We see right through it."

[thebusinessmagnate]

Ben Kaufman: Redefining Children’s Lives with Retail and Play Hybrid-Experience at CAMP

Toys! Who stops liking them, right? Toys can be anything, from Anime Figurines to Lego sets, from Gameboys to Action Figures of your favorite star, from Art Materials to Puzzles, from Board Games to Remote-Controlled Cars. There exists a plethora of games and toys for all ages. No one is too old to have a kiddish side to themselves. You would always have a little part of your childishness in your adult selves. I mean, I still have my action figures, safely protected behind a glass, and I barely take it out as it’s a rare piece. But my point is, that nobody is too young or too old for Soft Plushies, the Arcade, Crossword Puzzles, and PlayStation Portables. 

As we get older, toys seem to have less importance in our lives, and understandably so. We spend time with our families, siblings, friends, or even strangers for that matter. When we are with our loved ones, there are surely times when the kids are eager to play and take part in some physical activities that are just fun, relaxing, invigorating, refreshing, and engaging. This can help all the members of the family to bond, build, and strengthen their relationships with one another. 

Family time is extremely important. Spending time with families the right way can turn out to be very fun. A picnic at the park, family shopping, solving puzzles at the kitchen table during breakfast with the family, and playing a board game together can be a nice way to end the day.  Places like Disney World, National Zoos, Underwater Parks, and Aquarium, are some family-friendly themed vacations and trips. These places allow families to play and physically experience their destinations as well as have online e-commerce retail stores for purchasing merchandise and souvenirs. 

Since these games, toys, and themed destinations are children’s dreams and are loved by even adults, we will be talking about one such entrepreneur who co-founded a startup venture turned company, that allows retail shopping as well as has in-store play experience of mini-themed interactive attractions. A family-friendly company called – CAMP, co-founded by Ben Kaufman is a Family Experience Company – “creating playful and meaningful moments for families everywhere”, and is redefining children’s lives for the better.

About the Co-Founder – Ben Kaufman of CAMP:

The person who co-founded CAMP is Ben Kaufman. An innovative, creative, practical, free-spirited person who was always on his feet and had his thinking wheels running in his brain. Being someone who was always creating things, Ben has founded many companies and brands, such as – Mophie, Quirky, and CAMP. He was also the Chief Marketing Officer at BuzzFeed. Although Ben isn’t the CEO of CAMP anymore, he remains on the Board of Directors and is a CAMP Counselor. Ben Kaufman co-founded CAMP alongside his wife – Nikki Kaufman – the Chief People Officer, in the year 2018. 

As a father, Ben and his wife – Nikki, used to search for fun activities to do together. Wanting to make CAMP a national player as soon as the business was launched, he saw a future where this retail chain store would go well with the modern digital age. Offering attractions, experiences, and just a fun time for children and their families, CAMP took off garnering attention from its target audiences right away.

About CAMP:

CAMP was co-founded by Ben Kaufman in the year 2018 alongside his wife – Nikki Kaufman. The company has its headquarters established in New York, in the United States of America. It has physical retail branch chains in other regions of the US, such as – Dallas, Connecticut, Washington DC, Chicago, Atlanta, Los Angeles, and Boston. CAMP has made its digital retail platform available and accessible by anyone and everyone as it is “powered by the people”, without whom nothing would be possible. 

Base Camp, Toy Lab Camp, Travel Camp, and Cooking Camp, are some of the themed attractions at their physical retail store branches. Their online e-commerce platform also sells tickets and toys for all ages – infants to adults. Providing children and their families with a hybrid experience and several diversified activities that are fun and engaging, CAMP – a Family Experience Company would be the next famous toy store, the go-to happy store for all. Ben Kaufman says that if CAMP gives families a good reason to come out of their houses, then he knows he’s doing his job in helping parents and children make more memories that they will cherish forever.

Visit More : https://thebusinessmagnate.com/ben-kaufman-redefining-childrens-lives-with-retail-and-play-hybrid-experience-at-camp/

[dalt20]

Tooning in 2. Dev Ross Part 2 of 7

DL: oh. well do you wanna talk about your career?

DR: Sure. I'm leaving next Friday to attend as a guest speaker the South Korean Content Market. I plan to pitch some of my latest stuff - all live action projects save for one animated .

DL: that's exciting! question one, writing plus voice directing for chip N dale rescue rangers?

DR: Yes! Best time ever! Tad Stones knew I had done a lot of acting so thought I'd make a good voice director. I did!

DL: so a couple of episodes i'll like to go over.

DR: Oh boy...

DL: don't worry, only the important episodes.

DR: People often ask me about why I wrote certain stories but it was a long time ago! I will most likely give answers that disappoint

DL: That's ok. All it matters is that you know the story behind the episodes. So,adventures in squirrelsitting?

DR: Did I write that episode?

DL: yes you did. the episode where chip n dale babysit two squirrels, while trying to find the maltese mouse statue. one of squirrel siblings had a crush on chip. on imdb.

DR: Yes, Tad and I co-wrote that one.

DL: the process on coming up with the premise?

DR: The process is the same as to all our ideas. We get a basic idea like babysitting and then start spit balling on how to make it work with our characters. Throw in an emotional story like a crush and let it play out against the larger action story. We always made sure our emotional story rammed right into the action story to create more obstacles. Tad and I both had babies so we often used ideas from having our own kids.

DL: Woah! Using inspiration from real life! Now that's a great source of story martial.

DR: Most of my stories were rooted in my life. Perhaps just fragments but just a funny moment from your kid can transform into an entire story. I especially did that on my Land Before Time sequels.

DL: zipper comes home?

DR: Yes.

DL: Was the process was you were using the classic "i'm a mess up, i'm leaving" trope that used in other cartoons while writing that episode?

DR: I don't understand your question. Oh. Got it. Not at all. No classic trope. I used my own experience as a child when I ran away. I remember how I felt and why I left and used that to create the story.

DL: wow! but do you know the classic running away episode?

DR: I didn’t think about it, no. Again, I did then and do now, create stories based on my experiences or the experiences of others.

DL: throw mummy from the train. the process was?

DR: Just a play on the current movie of the time: Throw Mama from the Train.

DL: was that one with danny devito?

DR: We often looked at the trend of movies - old and new - and idea riffed off them. Yes, Danny Devito

DL: well most of your episode titles are puns of movies or phrases. why was that?

DR: I did one called Gadget Goes Hawaiian based on the sixties film Gidget Goes Hawaiian. I started surfing cuz I loved that movie as a kid. We knew we also had an adult audience so we played with our titles. Used stuffed they were keen on. Fyi: the actress who played Gidget also voiced a role in that one; She played a Gadget lookalike.

DL: Wow! Wait you got sally field? And also, how was it writing for female characters, since you're a female writer. Like how do you write for characters like gadget?

DR: No it was Deborah Walley.

DL: oh new gidget. the 80s one.

DR: I had to push for more female characters. Sally was tv Gidget. Deborah was film Gidget in Gidget Goes Hawaiian.

DL: was she in the 80s reboot?

DR: No.

DL: oh,wait. i'm so confused!

DR: Writing for female characters then was very different. Still had to battle stereotypes . I would write them very different now. Female characters were still stereotyped. I regret that I did not push harder .

DL: was that in your scripts were the female characters stereotyped?

DR: Not in RR but in Darkwing Duck. I created Morgana for DD. She was very stereotypical and I really regret that. But at the time, I was considered pushing the envelop. I would write her very different now.

DL: well i forgot, winnie the pooh for disney and the ABC network? your first writing credit.

DR: Yes. At Disney. I'd written for PBS before that and was nominated for an Emmy twice.

DL: and that was clifford the big red dog?

DR: No that came much later. My Emmy nominated shows were live action.

DL: oh what was the program before winnie the pooh?

DR: Those shows were adapted from my touring stage shows. Winnie the Pooh was my first Disney show. I really knew nothing about animation then and had to learn fast.

DL: how was it writing for animation for the first time?

DR: It was pretty great because there are really no limitations to what you can create. I went crazy with the freedom. My experience had only been with real actors...

DL: well was it hard writing for cartoons?

DR: Yes, absolutely . As much as I loved the freedom and whimsy, I missed real actors and deeper stories. The stuff I write now couldn't be more different!

DL: well which medium do you consider the easy to write.

DR: But writing for animation really made me a better writer. In animation, you really have to spell out the world and direct the action. It was great training. Animation by far. Live action calls for very different skills.

DL: and you're not a great artist right? so you cant draw for cartoons.

DR: I'm a terrible artist, so I paint with words.

DL: yeah, but you tell the animators what to draw right?

DR: Yes! And sometimes they got angry with me because I directed the action so much. But I was instructed too! Some artists did not like that.

DL: well you gotta loosen up. the storyboarder wants to feel in control.

DR: They wanted to do their own staging. It was a matter of time. We were instructed to really storyboard with our words. If the artist didnt like it they could change it. But often, they were in time crunches and so a writer's suggestions were good to work off of. I became best friends with a storyboarder who was very offended that I wrote out so much action. But as we got busier and busier, he understood. My stuff was just something he could work off if he wanted. But I was really good at action and comedy so my stuff was used a lot. My theater background helped there.

DL: so for winnie the pooh, the episode donkey for a day.

DR: Yes

DL: so process for that episode?

DR: That was very early before I was staff I believe. I pitched the story to Mark Zaslove as a freelancer. He took it and handed it over to staff writers. I was inspired by looking at drawings of Eeyore staring at the sky. I just wondered if he was sad or lonely and that was the start. It came from people often misinterpreting what others are feeling.

DR: So you wrote the premise, but you gave it to Mark for the script. So it was story by dev ross, teleplay by mark zaslove.

DL: No sorry, I was staff then. No. I had the idea and Mark added to it but then gave it to more senior writers.

DR: Well the episode, there's no camp like home? What's the process for that. That was the classic "camping episode". if you know what i mean.

DR: It came from my love of camping and telling scary stories around a campfire. I also loved the Heffalumps so wanted to tell a story with them! As there was never any true villains in Pooh we used children's fears and dreams... I went camping as a young girl and mistook a knarled tree as a monster so I used that as inspiration.

DL: Nice

DR: Exactly. I want my stuff to be rooted in real emotions.

DL: cleanliness is next to impossible, process for that episode.

DR: Ah yes! Boy did I get letters from parents about that! They said it was too scary! It was right out of my childhood and Crud was the creature who lived under my bed! I also had a over active imagination and thought that whatever I drew could come alive. Also, my babies liked to draw on the wall with crayons. So I put it all together.

[creativinn]

SXSW 2023: Artist Interview With Lola Tried

By Avery Viers Local Music Director

The last time I spoke with Lauren Burton of Austin-based band Lola Tried, I had freshly been appointed as KTSW 89.9’s Local Music Director only one month prior. Unsure of what to expect when meeting the band, I scavenged the internet to absorb all of the information I could in the midst of my nervous frenzy.

I was about five seconds into our introduction before my nerves were put at ease. Burton, along with her bandmate and longtime friend Ray Garza, exuded a genuine and enthusiastic energy throughout our discussion that could not be missed.

When I had the chance to catch up with Burton again recently, I couldn’t wait to hear what the band had been up to. I was anxious to discuss their recently released single, “Black & White,” and chat about the band’s invitation as an Official SXSW Artist for this year’s festival.

I called Burton the Monday evening following her birthday weekend. She shared that she had spent some time at her barn, where she enjoys riding her horse – which she fondly refers to as her “baby boy” – and that she saw PUP at Stubb’s Amphitheater.

“PUP is my favorite band in the whole world! My biggest influence ever,” said Burton. “I’ve seen them like four times; I have all of their records. They’re the reason Lola Tried exists.”

We chatted a bit more about PUP’s tour with Joyce Manor before jumping into the topic of this year’s SXSW music festival. I asked Burton whether the band was excited to perform, as well as whether it would be their first year as an Official Artist.

“It’s our third!” she said, “It’s funny. My SX experience started when I was sixteen; I had just moved to Austin and gotten my driver’s license. My mom was working for a nonprofit that helped find housing for the international musicians coming over. She would literally go, ‘you need to go pick up this band from England from the airport and just cart them around.’”

“My mom knew me,” Burton continued, “I was a good kid. I never drank. She literally had to be like, ‘Lauren, you don’t have a curfew. You can go out sometimes.’ So, these poor f*ckers had to sit in a car with me while I drove them around in downtown SXSW traffic. I also got the opportunity to develop these friendships and relationships that are beautiful. I still keep in touch with the folks I met [THROUGH SXSW] from fifteen years ago that changed my life. There were international bands from Spain, the U.K., and Germany. I got to see how real bands worked; bands that weren’t massive.”

“I would go to local shows all the time,” she said, “but it’s cool to see middle level bands – like Joyce Manor – where they’re known, and they’re touring, and can make it their full-time job. Seeing these bands interact and how they handle business was really cool. I also learned how to sneak into every single venue that they played. I remember I couldn’t get in to see Waxahachie because I wasn’t twenty-one and they were playing at Cheer Up [CHARLIE]’s. I literally jumped into the brush of the scaffolding at Mohawk and climbed up that cliff and watched them play like a weird-*ss bat.”

“SX has always been really special because of the touring bands that come through and the friends that I get to see that I haven’t seen,” said Burton, “I love giving all of the bands recommendations and getting to tell everyone all of my favorite spots. You get to see people experience the city. Plus, being on bills with your buddies and getting to see them play amazing shows is great.”

After wrapping up our discussion on SXSW, I was eager to ask Burton what was new with Lola Tried since our last talk.

“We actually have two new band members and I’m really excited!” She said, “It’s been really fun. After our original lineup switching up, we decided to say, ‘Okay, let’s get two new members. It’s gonna be great.’ Since bringing them on, the exchange of ideas has been so fun. When I started with this band initially, I had never played a show or committed to rehearsals or been a part of a true unit. Joining a team was definitely a moment of extreme vulnerability for me.”

“Jeff and Gianni – our bass player and our drummer – are so open to any new idea,” she continued, “I absolutely adored our original lineup, but this new journey has been super fun. Writing has changed; I don’t come in with things prepared anymore. I think a part of it is the Imposter Syndrome of thinking, ‘I have to have a perfectly crafted song to present to you guys, like a powerpoint ,because if I don’t you guys are gonna see through me.’ Learning to drop my guard and riff in a jam session is special, especially since it wasn’t always a thing. The new stuff that we’re releasing we have fully written together. Gianni and Jeff come from completely different musical backgrounds, so having them play with us has brought a whole new element to the band.”

I was curious to ask Burton about the songwriting process of the band’s newest single, “Black & White,” given the song’s themes of grief and loss.

“‘Black & White’ is honestly a pretty vulnerable song for me for a couple of reasons,” said Burton, “The less impactful reason is that it’s a ballad. For me, I like instant gratification and don’t like patience or having to wait. When we started playing the song, Jeff and Gianni had to stop me to slow me down and told me that it could really be something. ‘Black & White’ taught me patience. Being vulnerable in that way musically was interesting because I’d never written a ballad before.”

“A lot of my songs come from anger,” she continued, “that’s just how I write. When I’m feeling an intense emotion like anger, I’ve always felt motivated in my songwriting because it feels like the only way that I could get out my thoughts. I always thought, ‘I can handle feeling depressed. I know how to cope with anxiety because I experience these emotions a lot.’ But I don’t get angry very often; songwriting has been the main way for me to verbalize my fury.”

“But this song wasn’t that,” Burton said, “I think that’s my second point of vulnerability; my partner’s best friend died in May of last year. He was just a dream. He would have this laugh that would echo for days. There were two hard parts in terms of writing [BLACK & WHITE]; when I was writing the song, I realized, ‘I’m gonna have to deal with some real feelings here… and they’re not anger. They’re grief.’ I talked with the band to tell them I wanted to release something about grief and how I handle it.

“Ultimately, the song is about watching my partner grieve and feeling like I can’t do anything about it. There has been quite a lot of grief in our household over the past year. Another aspect of the song, though, is about wondering when the right time to grieve actually is. It’s harder for me to be vulnerable through sadness than it is for me to be vulnerable through anger.”

Burton mentioned the band’s upcoming projects as well, joking about its stark contrast to the preceding single.

“I’m switching up the tone a little bit,” said Burton, “For me, it feels so much more dynamic and it’s really fast paced. The drum parts are killer! After playing it on stage, Jeff had to leave for a second to go throw up and got right back on to play the next song. The song is called, “Don’t Care At All,” and it’s about work burnout that has been so impactful to me, especially working in tech. The layoffs, friends losing jobs, and even just the crumbling economy as a whole really makes you realize that you’re seeing some fundamentally wrong things going on in your field. [DON’T CARE AT ALL] is about experiencing a burnout so devastating and getting to the point of realizing you couldn’t care less about any of it. I really hope that people like my friends that lost their jobs will listen to it and go, ‘Ah. Thank you.’

Lola  Tried will be performing two sets as an Official SXSW Artist on March 12 and 13 at Hotel Vegas and one set at The Velveeta Room on March 18. Follow Lola Tried on Instagram to stay up to date on official set times, future shows, and newly released music here: @lolatried

This content was originally published here.

[themovieblogonline]

S.S. Rajamouli film 'RRR' is Glorious Indian Action Spectacle and Dance Party

If you haven’t had a chance to catch up with the action spectacular “RRR” (Rise, Roar, Revolt”) from Indian director S.S. Rajamouli yet, you are late to the party my friend. Even busy actor Jessica Chastain carved out  three hours plus from her schedule to experience what all the fuss is about and then tweeted: “Watching this film was such a party.” “RRR” features superstars Ram Charan and N.T. Rama Rao Jr. as friends and rivals in 1920’s India who clash but reunite in a struggle against the British colonialists. It’s a sort of bromance with lots of spectacular battle scenes and close calls with leopards, tigers, and wolves. There's a fabulous dance sequence to the “Naatu Naatu” song, where our heroes wipe the floor with racist English toffs who challenge them and win over the adoration of the ladies who join them in their exuberant moves. "RRR" is over the top for sure and best to just surrender to the energy of the film.  Last week at a screening for Guild members, the crowd laughed, cheered, and stomped. The movie inspires that reaction, especially during the “Naatu Naatu” dance sequence. (On Twitter you can see audience members turn screenings into dance parties.) https://youtu.be/bLKeLYQ5rvM Now the Tollywood film is a serious contender in the awards race. The New York Film critics gave Rajamouli the best director prize last week and composer M.M. Keeravani just received a Golden Globe for the infectious “Naatu Naatu” song, which is also Oscar shortlisted. The film is a fantasy but loosely inspired by real-life revolutionaries, Alluri Sitarama Raju and Komaram Bheem, who battled the British colonialists but never met. Here are some takeaways from the post-screening Q&A I attended:   Where Rajamouli got the idea for the story, which is co-written by his father, veteran writer, V Vijayendra Prasad: “ I always like the idea of bringing two heroes together. Even when I was a kid, when I read two completely different stories, I would like to bring characters from the stories in my head and create my own scenes between them. Sometimes I'm a part of those scenes too. That's how I thought as a kid. And when I was reading the history of Komaram Bheem and Alluri Sitarama Raju, the revolutionaries from my part of the country, there were very interesting coincidences. They were on around the same time, at the turn of the 20th century. And when they were in their early twenties, they left their respective homes. And we don't know what happened to them. No one knows what happened to them. And they came back after three, or four years and once they came back, they started fighting against the oppressors in the same way as in the film. I imagined… If I can take that period of time, those two, three years, and I can be a completely fictional story. So except for the fact that I named them Komaram Bheem and Alluri Sitarama Raju, everything else is fictional.” On the visual effects: “I have to see visual effects as a tool. Nothing more than that… Don’t treat visual effects like the star or something special.” About working with these particular stars: “They are good friends and they are friends outside their personal rivalry… Actually, the rivalry (is) between the fans of those two (actors)… when I started writing the characters with these guys in mind, they fit in so perfectly…For Charan, the way I look at him, when I look at him, his eyes seem to be as if they're holding something very painful. And when I look at Tarak (N.T. Rama Rao Jr.) his eyes seem so innocent. There's a lot of strength in the eyes… That's the kind of feeling that I get when I look at those actors.” On the shooting schedule: “We shot it for 320 days. I mean, I'm not proud that I shot it for (so long)… I think my producers definitely are not proud that… I would like to do it much faster, but we don't have second unit directors and third unit directors in India. So pretty much every sequence, every scene, almost every shot, I had to direct. So because that's such a big film with such big episodes, I had to shoot one episode, take a break, prepare for the next episode, and shoot it so it is more linear.” Shooting the Naatu Naatu dance sequence:  “Both of them are exceptionally good dancers and we had a great song to showcase their dancing skills. And we had … a beautiful scene that leads up to the dance… Everything is properly put in. But still, I would give most of the credit of the success of that song for the dance choreographer, Prem Rakshith. He's my choreographer. He spent almost two months composing for that number. And just for the two, three signature steps or the hook line steps, he composed more than 100 variations. And you wouldn't believe me. He had four sets of assistants, two assistants each and he was composing the steps for 15, 20 steps, 15, 20 variations. And the assistants were having cramps in their legs and pain in the knees. He would take out one couple and bring in another couple and start composing… The third couple or fourth couple had to go to the hospital because (of injuries).  So he was relentless in getting what he wanted and once the steps were composed, Tarak and Charan, like I said, they're great dancers. They didn't need too much time to practice the steps. They got it quite fast, but they also had to practice a lot because I wanted them to do the steps in exact sync.” On the musical number at the end of the movie, which is a sort of roll call of politicians and freedom fighters:  “There are two, three reasons for that. One is, India had a long freedom struggle against the British (colonialist) for 90 years and almost 100 years before that…so many leaders laid down their lives fighting for the freedom of our country. As a kid, I read many of the stories, heard many of the stories, and some of the stories are so heart touching and I developed the kind of hero worship towards them. Even though my film is not about freedom struggle, (primarily) … it’s about friendship, I thought at the end, it would be a nice way of paying tribute to freedom fighters. But I didn't want to do that in a very sad way or something. I wanted it to be a celebratory kind of number… So all those things put together, I thought by going out of the theater, people should go out to the exuberant feeling, a high feeling.” After the Q&A I caught up with Rajamouli at the reception where he was surrounded by fans and well-wishers. He posed for endless selfies and spoke to anyone who approached. I asked him if the international global success of “RRR” caught him by surprise.  “Yes," Rajamouli told me. "But it’s a wonderful surprise." Read the full article

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I just... I just love my kids so much

To be clear, these aren't kids that I birthed or adopted, they are not my legitimate children in any way, but they're still my kids

I work at a summer camp as an area director, with my best friend as my co-director. We have a staff of three: Sam, Gavin, and Aaron. I knew them when they were campers, I taught Sam and Gavin Metalworking merit badge.

I was there when Aaron was an immature 12 year old and screamed "Baby rage!" At another camper until the camper finally pushed him. I lent him my nametag for a day so that he could collect one from every staff member. He collected so many and put them all on his shirt, walking around in a suit of armor made of nametags.

I called Gavin "Northern Tier Guy" once because I hadn't quite learned his name yet and he was wearing a Northern Tier jacket, but it stuck for the rest of the week, even when I'd learned his actual name. He was the smartest one in that merit badge class, always raising his hand and knew more than me about metalworking.

Sam was the sweetest. He was the only camper to show up to ASL Night, so my co-teacher and I had a lot of fun teaching him basic signs and then looking up random ones. He still remembers the alphabet, numbers, and the word "wigwam."

But now I know them even better. Now I've gotten the chance to spend every day with them and talk with them in a more real way.

(They've also said I'm the "cool parent" between myself and my co-director, and that makes me feel pretty good. I'm the "parent" they go to to ask things like "Can we crush chalk in the vices?" (Crushing chalk in a vice is one of the most satisfying things ever, I highly recommend it.) And of course they know I'll be serious and lay down the law if I need to, because I have. But they also know that I'm the one that will let them use the microphone hooked to our sound system so that they can try to scare scouts.)

Aaron once walked two miles to our sister camp on the other side of the lake at 2am so that he could post questionable pictures of Among Us characters on their dining hall.

The other day Aaron asked if he could yell at me, and he's usually a very sweet kid so I okayed it, if only out of curiosity. He proceeded to yell "YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB!" I yelled back "THANK YOU! IM SO PROUD OF YOU!" And he ended our strange conversation with "THANKS, YOU TOO!"

One night I was up late in our area with Aaron and a couple other staff members when Aaron said "One of these days I'm going to snap at Gavin. I'll be respectful about it, but I'm going to." We had a discussion about it, because if there are problems between my staff members I'd obviously like to figure it out sooner rather than later. Aaron told me that their personalities just don't work together well, and Gavin hasn't done anything to warrant a huge discussion yet, but he thinks it will happen. I told him that I'd be there to mediate if it ever came to that, but since then I've seen immense growth between those two. I really respect how open Aaron was with me about that problem, and how he was ready to have a discussion with both Gavin and I instead of simply attacking Gavin.

Speaking of Gavin! Onto that young man.

My co-director was wary of him at first because Gavin isn't always easy to work with. He's driven and tries a little too hard and can come off as demanding. One day during our training week he seemed especially impatient and it was getting on everyone's nerves, so I took him aside and we had a heart-to-heart. This poor kid was just so stressed because he was feeling unprepared and was having trouble making friends. It helped my co-director and I realize that there's so much more to him than the rude facade he puts up, and I'm glad he trusted me enough to let me in so that I can be a better director and friend to him.

Since our very first conversation I saw a lot of myself in that kid, and that was only strengthened with that heart-to-heart and how much I've gotten to know him. I can tell that he trusts me quite a bit now, which makes me extremely happy. I can also see that he's a lot happier now.

You know when Gavin seems the happiest? When he's teaching Metalworking or Electronics. He took the initiative to write up a proposal for Electronics merit badge and present it to our camp director to convince him to let us add it to our list of badges we teach. He's extremely passionate about Electronics, obviously, and teaches it amazingly. I remember on either Monday or Tuesday he told me he was happy and having such a good time teaching Metalworking. The smile on his face and enthusiasm in his voice were enough to make me nearly cry.

And finally, Sam! I think he was the first one to call me the "cool parent."

He has very pretty long hair that he lets me braid whenever, and that's not super important but it does make me very happy.

The second I got his phone number, before I even really knew him, I put him in my contacts as "Sam My Child." He's just immensely son-shaped.

This son-shaped man is also a bisexual, and I learned that when a camper painted a rock with the bi pride colors and he enthusiastically whispered "Bi pride!" It made me super happy that he trusted me with that information, and I told him I'm proud of him. I tell my kids that I'm proud of then so much because they deserve it.

Sam is also the one that wanted to use our sound system microphone to try and scare campers. He's a smartass. I lost my voice the other day and couldn't speak above a normal tone, which was obvious to everyone but I wouldn't admit it and kept saying that I was fine. My best friend knows I'm stubborn, so he asked if I would dismiss everyone from lunch. That's a job that requires a loud voice. A loud voice that I didn't have. But I wouldn't admit it, so I choked out a dismissal that no one heard. Sam looked at me, with a glint of assholery in his eyes and a smile on his face, and said "What happened to 'I'm fine?'"

I was just thinking about them today and I was overcome with pure love. I love them like I would love any person that was my actual child. I just *clenches fist* love them so much. I can't even write how much I feel for these kids because words can't describe it. These words do them no justice, they're just some of the most wonderful people I've ever met. Yeah they cause me a lot of stress, yes I've considered strangling them, yes I would move heaven and earth for them.

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

“Elliot Page doesn’t remember exactly how long he had been asking.

But he does remember the acute feeling of triumph when, around age 9, he was finally allowed to cut his hair short. “I felt like a boy,” Page says. “I wanted to be a boy. I would ask my mom if I could be someday.” Growing up in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Page visualized himself as a boy in imaginary games, freed from the discomfort of how other people saw him: as a girl. After the haircut, strangers finally started perceiving him the way he saw himself, and it felt both right and exciting.

The joy was short-lived. Months later, Page got his first break, landing a part as a daughter in a Canadian mining family in the TV movie Pit Pony. He wore a wig for the film, and when Pit Pony became a TV show, he grew his hair out again. “I became a professional actor at the age of 10,” Page says. And pursuing that passion came with a difficult compromise. “Of course I had to look a certain way.”

We are speaking in late February. It is the first interview Page, 34, has given since disclosing in December that he is transgender, in a heartfelt letter posted to Instagram, and he is crying before I have even uttered a question. “Sorry, I’m going to be emotional, but that’s cool, right?” he says, smiling through his tears.

It’s hard for him to talk about the days that led up to that disclosure. When I ask how he was feeling, he looks away, his neck exposed by a new short haircut. After a pause, he presses his hand to his heart and closes his eyes. “This feeling of true excitement and deep gratitude to have made it to this point in my life,” he says, “mixed with a lot of fear and anxiety.”

It’s not hard to understand why a trans person would be dealing with conflicting feelings in this moment. Increased social acceptance has led to more young people describing themselves as trans—1.8% of Gen Z compared with 0.2% of boomers, according to a recent Gallup poll—yet this has fueled conservatives who are stoking fears about a “transgender craze.” President Joe Biden has restored the right of transgender military members to serve openly, and in Hollywood, trans people have never had more meaningful time onscreen. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling is leveraging her cultural capital to oppose transgender equality in the name of feminism, and lawmakers are arguing in the halls of Congress over the validity of gender identities. “Sex has become a political football in the culture wars,” says Chase Strangio, deputy director for transgender justice at the ACLU.

(Full article with photos continued under the “read more”)

And so Page—who charmed America as a precocious pregnant teenager in Juno, constructed dreamscapes in Inception and now stars in Netflix’s hit superhero show The Umbrella Academy, the third season of which he’s filming in Toronto—expected that his news would be met with both applause and vitriol. “What I was anticipating was a lot of support and love and a massive amount of hatred and transphobia,” says Page. “That’s essentially what happened.” What he did not anticipate was just how big this story would be. Page’s announcement, which made him one of the most famous out trans people in the world, started trending on Twitter in more than 20 countries. He gained more than 400,000 new followers on Instagram on that day alone. Thousands of articles were published. Likes and shares reached the millions. Right-wing podcasters readied their rhetoric about “women in men’s locker rooms.” Casting directors reached out to Page’s manager saying it would be an honor to cast Page in their next big movie.

So, it was a lot. Over the course of two conversations, Page will say that understanding himself in all the specifics remains a work in progress. Fathoming one’s gender, an identity innate and performed, personal and social, fixed and evolving, is complicated enough without being under a spotlight that never seems to turn off. But having arrived at a critical juncture, Page feels a deep sense of responsibility to share his truth. “Extremely influential people are spreading these myths and damaging rhetoric—every day you’re seeing our existence debated,” Page says. “Transgender people are so very real.”

That role in Pit Pony led to other productions and eventually, when Page was 16, to a film called Mouth to Mouth. Playing a young anarchist, Page had a chance to cut his hair again. This time, he shaved it off completely. The kids at his high school teased him, but in photos he has posted from that time on social media he looks at ease. Page’s head was still shaved when he mailed in an audition tape for the 2005 thriller Hard Candy. The people in charge of casting asked him to audition again in a wig. Soon, the hair was back.

Page’s tour de force performance in Hard Candy led, two years later, to Juno, a low-budget indie film that brought Page Oscar, BAFTA and Golden Globe nominations and sudden megafame. The actor, then 21, struggled with the stresses of that ascension. The endless primping, red carpets and magazine spreads were all agonizing reminders of the disconnect between how the world saw Page and who he knew himself to be. “I just never recognized myself,” Page says. “For a long time I could not even look at a photo of myself.” It was difficult to watch the movies too, especially ones in which he played more feminine roles.

Page loved making movies, but he also felt alienated by Hollywood and its standards. Alia Shawkat, a close friend and co-star in 2009’s Whip It,describes all the attention from Juno as scarring. “He had a really hard time with the press and expectations,” Shawkat says. “‘Put this on! And look this way! And this is sexy!’”

By the time he appeared in blockbusters like X-Men: The Last Stand and Inception, Page was suffering from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. He didn’t know, he says, “how to explain to people that even though [I was] an actor, just putting on a T-shirt cut for a woman would make me so unwell.” Shawkat recalls Page’s struggles with clothes. “I’d be like, ‘Hey, look at all these nice outfits you’re getting,’ and he would say, ‘It’s not me. It feels like a costume,’” she says. Page tried to convince himself that he was fine, that someone who was fortunate enough to have made it shouldn’t have complaints. But he felt exhausted by the work required to “just exist,” and thought more than once about quitting acting.

In 2014, Page came out as gay, despite feeling for years that “being out was impossible” given his career. (Gender identity and sexual orientation are, of course, distinct, but one queer identity can coexist with another.) In an emotional speech at a Human Rights Campaign conference, Page talked about being part of an industry “that places crushing standards” on actors and viewers alike. “There are pervasive stereotypes about masculinity and femininity that define how we’re all supposed to act, dress and speak,” Page went on. “And they serve no one.”

The actor started wearing suits on the red carpet. He found love, marrying choreographer Emma Portner in 2018. He asserted more agency in his career, producing his own films with LGBTQ leads like Freeheld and My Days of Mercy. And he made a masculine wardrobe a condition of taking roles. Yet the daily discord was becoming unbearable. “The difference in how I felt before coming out as gay to after was massive,” says Page. “But did the discomfort in my body ever go away? No, no, no, no.”

In part, it was the isolation forced by the pandemic that brought to a head Page’s wrestling with gender. (Page and Portner separated last summer, and the two divorced in early 2021. “We’ve remained close friends,” Page says.) “I had a lot of time on my own to really focus on things that I think, in so many ways, unconsciously, I was avoiding,” he says. He was inspired by trailblazing trans icons like Janet Mock and Laverne Cox, who found success in Hollywood while living authentically. Trans writers helped him understand his feelings; Page saw himself reflected in P. Carl’s memoir Becoming a Man. Eventually “shame and discomfort” gave way to revelation. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” Page says, “and letting myself fully become who I am.”

This led to a series of decisions. One was asking the world to call him by a different name, Elliot, which he says he’s always liked. Page has a tattoo that says E.P. PHONE HOME, a reference to a movie about a young boy with that name. “I loved E.T. when I was a kid and always wanted to look like the boys in the movies, right?” he says. The other decision was to use different pronouns—for the record, both he/him and they/them are fine. (When I ask if he has a preference on pronouns for the purposes of this story, Page says, “He/him is great.”)

A day before we first speak, Page will talk to his mom about this interview and she will tell him, “I’m just so proud of my son.” He grows emotional relating this and tries to explain that his mom, the daughter of a minister, who was born in the 1950s, was always trying to do what she thought was best for her child, even if that meant encouraging young Page to act like a girl. “She wants me to be who I am and supports me fully,” Page says. “It is a testament to how people really change.”

Another decision was to get top surgery. Page volunteers this information early in our conversation; at the time he posted his disclosure on Instagram, he was recovering in Toronto. Like many trans people, Page emphasizes being trans isn’t all about surgery. For some people, it’s unnecessary. For others, it’s unaffordable. For the wider world, the media’s focus on it has sensationalized transgender bodies, inviting invasive and inappropriate questions. But Page describes surgery as something that, for him, has made it possible to finally recognize himself when he looks in the mirror, providing catharsis he’s been waiting for since the “total hell” of puberty. “It has completely transformed my life,” he says. So much of his energy was spent on being uncomfortable in his body, he says. Now he has that energy back.

For the transgender community at large, visibility does not automatically lead to acceptance. Around the globe, transgender people deal disproportionately with violence and discrimination. Anti-trans hate crimes are on the rise in the U.K. along with increasingly transphobic rhetoric in newspapers and tabloids. In the U.S., in addition to the perennial challenges trans people face with issues like poverty and homelessness, a flurry of bills in state legislatures would make it a crime to provide transition-related medical care to trans youth. And crass old jokes are still in circulation. When Biden lifted the ban on open service for transgender troops, Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che did a bit on Weekend Update about the policy being called “don’t ask, don’t tuck.”

Page says coming out as trans was “selfish” on one level: “It’s for me. I want to live and be who I am.” But he also felt a moral imperative to do so, given the times. Human identity is complicated and mysterious, but politics insists on fitting everything into boxes. In today’s culture wars, simplistic beliefs about gender—e.g., chromosomes = destiny—are so widespread and so deep-seated that many people who hold those beliefs don’t feel compelled to consider whether they might be incomplete or prejudiced. On Feb. 24, after a passionate debate on legislation that would ban discrimination against LGBTQ people, Representative Marie Newman, an Illinois Democrat, proudly displayed the pride flag in support of her daughter, who is trans. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, a Georgia Republican, responded by hanging a poster outside her office that read: There are TWO genders: MALE & FEMALE.

The next day Dr. Rachel Levine, who stands to become the first openly transgender federal official confirmed by the Senate, endured a tirade from Senator Rand Paul about “genital mutilation” during her confirmation hearing. My second conversation with Page happens shortly after this. He brings it up almost immediately, and seems both heartbroken and determined. He wants to emphasize that top surgery, for him, was “not only life-changing but lifesaving.” He implores people to educate themselves about trans lives, to learn how crucial medical care can be, to understand that lack of access to it is one of the many reasons that an estimated 41% of transgender people have attempted suicide, according to one survey.

Page has been in the political trenches for a while, having leaned into progressive activism after coming out as queer in 2014. For two seasons, he and best friend Ian Daniel filmed Gaycation, a Viceland series that explored LGBTQ culture around the world and, at one point, showed Page grilling Senator Ted Cruz at the Iowa State Fair about discrimination against queer people. In 2019, Page made a documentary called There’s Something in the Water, which explores environmental hardships experienced by communities of color in Nova Scotia, with $350,000 of his own money. That activism extends to his own industry: in 2017, he published a Facebook post that, among other things, accused director Brett Ratner of forcibly outing him as gay on the set of an X-Men movie. (A representative for Ratner did not respond to a request for comment.)

As a trans person who is white, wealthy and famous, Page has a unique kind of privilege, and with it an opportunity to advocate for those with less. According to the U.S. Trans Survey, a large-scale report from 2015, transgender people of color are more likely to experience unemployment, harassment by police and refusals of medical care. Nearly half of all Black respondents reported being denied equal treatment, verbally harassed and/or physically attacked in the past year. Trans people as a group fare much worse on such stats than the general population. “My privilege has allowed me to have resources to get through and to be where I am today,” Page says, “and of course I want to use that privilege and platform to help in the ways I can.”

Since his disclosure, Page has been mostly quiet on social media. One exception has been to tweet on behalf of the ACLU, which is in the midst of fighting anti-trans bills and laws around the country, including those that ban transgender girls and women from participating in sports. Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves says he will sign such a bill in the name of “protect[ing] young girls.” Page played competitive soccer and vividly recalls the agony of being told he would have to play on the girls’ team once he aged out of mixed-gender squads. After an appeal, Page was allowed to play with the boys for an additional year. Today, several bills list genitalia as a requirement for deciding who plays on which team. “I would have been in that position as a kid,” Page says. “It’s horrific.”

All this advocacy is unlikely to make life easier. “You can’t enter into certain spaces as a public trans person,” says the ACLU’s Strangio, “without being prepared to spend some percentage of your life being threatened and harassed.” Yet, while he seems overwhelmed at times, Page is also eager. Many of the political attacks on trans people—whether it is a mandate that bathroom use be determined by birth sex, a blanket ban on medical interventions for trans kids or the suggestion that trans men are simply wayward women beguiled by male privilege—carry the same subtext: that trans people are mistaken about who they are. “We know who we are,” Page says. “People cling to these firm ideas [about gender] because it makes people feel safe. But if we could just celebrate all the wonderful complexities of people, the world would be such a better place.”

Even if Page weren’t vocal, his public presence would communicate something powerful. That is in part because of what Paisley Currah, a professor of political science at Brooklyn College, calls “visibility gaps.” Historically, trans women have been more visible, in culture and in Hollywood, than trans men. There are many explanations: Our culture is obsessed with femininity. Men’s bodies are less policed and scrutinized. Patriarchal people tend to get more emotional about who is considered to be in the same category as their daughters. “And a lot of trans men don’t stand out as trans,” says Currah, who is a trans man himself. “I think we’ve taken up less of the public’s attention because masculinity is sort of the norm.”

During our interviews, Page will repeatedly refer to himself as a “transgender guy.” He also calls himself nonbinary and queer, but for him, transmasculinity is at the center of the conversation right now. “It’s a complicated journey,” he says, “and an ongoing process.”

While the visibility gap means that trans men have been spared some of the hate endured by trans women, it has also meant that people like Page have had fewer models. “There were no examples,” Page says of growing up in Halifax in the 1990s. There are many queer people who have felt “that how they feel deep inside isn’t a real thing because they never saw it reflected back to them,” says Tiq Milan, an activist, author and transgender man. Page offers a reflection: “They can see that and say, ‘You know what, that’s who I am too,’” Milan says. When there aren’t examples, he says, “people make monsters of us.”

For decades, that was something Hollywood did. As detailed in the 2020 Netflix documentary Disclosure, transgender people have been portrayed onscreen as villainous and deceitful, tragic subplots or the butt of jokes. In a sign of just how far the industry has come—spurred on by productions like Pose and trailblazers like Mock—Netflix offered to change the credits on The Umbrella Academy the same day that its star posted his statement on social media. Now when an episode ends, the first words viewers see are “Elliot Page.”

Today, there are many out trans and nonbinary actors, directors and producers. Storylines involving trans people are more common, more respectful. Sometimes that aspect of identity is even incidental, rather than the crux of a morality tale. And yet Hollywood can still seem a frightening place for LGBTQ people to come out. “It’s an industry that says, ‘Don’t do that,’” says director Silas Howard, who got his break on Amazon’s show Transparent, which made efforts to hire transgender crew members. “I wouldn’t have been hired if they didn’t have a trans initiative,” Howard says. “I’m always aware of that.”

So what will it mean for Page’s career? While Page has appeared in many projects, he also faced challenges landing female leads because he didn’t fit Hollywood’s narrow mold. Since Page’s Instagram post, his team is seeing more activity than they have in years. Many of the offers coming in—to direct, to produce, to act—are trans-related, but there are also some “dude roles.”

Downtime in quarantine helped Page accept his gender identity. “I was finally able to embrace being transgender,” he says.

Page was attracted to the role of Vanya in The Umbrella Academy because—in the first season, released in 2019—Vanya is crushed by self-loathing, believing herself to be the only ordinary sibling in an extraordinary family. The character can barely summon the courage to move through the world. “I related to how much Vanya was closed off,” Page says. Now on set filming the third season, co-workers have seen a change in the actor. “It seems like there’s a tremendous weight off his shoulders, a feeling of comfort,” says showrunner Steve Blackman. “There’s a lightness, a lot more smiling.” For Page, returning to set has been validating, if awkward at times. Yes, people accidentally use the wrong pronouns—“It’s going to be an adjustment,” Page says—but co-workers also see and acknowledge him.

The debate over whether cisgender people, who have repeatedly collected awards for playing trans characters, should continue to do so has largely been settled. However, trans actors have rarely been considered for cisgender parts. Whatever challenges might lie ahead, Page seems exuberant about playing a new spectrum of roles. “I’m really excited to act, now that I’m fully who I am, in this body,” Page says. “No matter the challenges and difficult moments of this, nothing amounts to getting to feel how I feel now.”

This includes having short hair again. During our interview, Page keeps rearranging strands on his forehead. It took a long time for him to return to the barber’s chair and ask to cut it short, but he got there. And how did that haircut feel?

Page tears up again, then smiles. “I just could not have enjoyed it more,” he says.”

[azaleavi]

Memorable

Summary: the cast of Avengers: Endgame is asked to tell the most memorable thing that happened in all 10 years of filming and they all have the same thing in mind

Word count: 1.4k

Warning(s): knives, stabbing, blood (If you are not comfortable with any of this DO NOT READ)

Author's note: Why did i write this? I don't know. I just had this idea and I thought it was cool so I wrote it down. It’s not really a sebastian x reader even though i started writing it like that. I honestly don’t know what this is but here you go I guess lmao

Feedback is always appreciated and don't forget to reblog and like if you liked it and want to see more. Thank you!

Masterlist

"As we are at the end of a very long era, that was full of exciting events, what was the most memorable thing that happened on set? Out of all the movies" Jimmy asked the six of you, who were sitting on the couch. Your mind immediately went to one specific incident, that happened to you and it seems like all of your co-stars thought about the same thing as they all turned to you. You couldn't help the smile that formed on your face. "It seems like everyone has the same thing on their mind" the host pointed out, smiling.

"Yes, it looks like that" you spoke up.

"Y/N, could you tell us what it is?" he asked.

"I guess it's that one time I got a little hurt while filming Civil War." you let out a little laugh, knowing what the response would be.

"A little hurt?!" Robert almost shouted. "This girl here got stabbed with a real knife and wanted to finish her scene with the knife still in her side and she almost did if it wasn't for the other person freaking out" Jimmy's mouth hung open at that. Everyone knew you got hurt while filming, because production had to be stopped and it was all the news talked about for a few days, but no one knew the details.

"Okay. It wasn't that dramatic" you defended yourself. Robert had the tendency to oversell the scene." I just knew that I will be out of commission for a while after that so I knew I had to finish the scene." you shrugged.

"Okay, I think we need to hear the whole story" the audience screamed at Jimmy's words. You laughed at that.

"So this is how it went..."

-

It was one of the first days of working and you were filming the big fight scene at the airport. You were surrounded with huge green screens. Your character had a one on one fight with the Black Widow so you were getting ready for it. You almost always did your own stunts and this one wasn't an exception. It wasn't that hard either, just a couple of punches and it ended with Natasha stabbing your character. It wouldn't be fatal, but it would defenitely hurt enough to slow your character down for a while. You were streching as Scarlett's stunt double walked over to you. The others weren't in the shot so they just stood to the side. They always liked watching you in action because you were the sweetest person in real life but once you heard action it was like you were a completely different person. It was fascinating. And watching you do stunts was a spectacle in itself. You have been learning martial arts since you were a kid so it came easy for you.

"Get ready everyone, we start in a minute!" the director shouted. You smiled at Heidi, streching your neck.

"You ready to get your ass kicked?" she joked. It was always a pleasure to work with her.

"By you? Always" you said, getting into position.

"Ready?" the director shouted again, looking at you two. You both nodded" Okay. And... Action!" You immediately started thowing punches at her, following the precise choreography you learned. She blocked them well, but you still managed to land a few on her. At least that what it looked like to the camera. You slowly got closer to where the crew was standing, still fighting as hard as you could. Your enemy pulled out a knife from her belt and you jumped back as she tried to slice you. She missed a few more times and you turned so her back was to the camera, while you faced it. It was almost over, she just had to thrust the fake knife into your side and you had to act like it hurt. She lunged forward with the knife in her hand and stabbed you. You thought it would be hard to act like you just got stabbed, but it turnes out you didn't have to act at all. It hurt like hell. Why was it hurting so much? It shouldn't hurt this much. What was happening? The knife was a prop so the blade went inside the handle, but it didn't feel like that happened. Your eyes widened and your mouth opened in a silent scream. You backed away from Heidi and looked down. The knife was lodged in place and you felt something warm starting to trickle down your side. You heard a gasp from in front of you. You looked up only to see Heidi with her hands against her mouth, her eyes wide with fear. She turned around to the crew who had still no idea what was happening.

"Call an ambulance" the panic in her voice was enough to alert everyone. You put your hands on the knife, which, you finally realized, was a real one, and it was currently inside you to the hilt. You heard frantic speaking, but the words didn't register in your mind. It must be Heidi telling them what happened. Your eyes were stuck on the handle, you were unable to look away. You waited for the panic to set in, but it never came. Two legs appeared in front of you and hands touched your shoulders. You finally looked up, your vision a little blurry. Sebastian was standing in front of you, fear and panic clear in his eyes.

"Hey y/n, can you hear me? The ambulance is on it's way, they will be here any minute. You just need to hold out for a little longer, okay baby?" you didn't know if he was trying to calm you or himself down. You tried to smile at him, but it came out more like a grimace. In the frenzy of the situation neither of you realized he called you baby.

"Did the shot turn out okay? They can use it right?" you spoke and Sebastian just looked at you with wide eyes. How can you still worry about the movie right now?

"Yes it was fine, they can use it." in truth he didn't know anything about the shot, but he just wanted to keep you calm. One of the crew members brought a chair for you, but you didn't know if it was a good idea to sit down or even move from where you were standing. How your legs didn't give out yet, you didn't know, but you were glad you didn't collapse so far. You decided against sitting down. It was probably not good to move around. You grabbed Sebastian's hands and squeezed them. Him being there was giving you so much strength. Something you would tell him later, when he was sitting next to your bed while you were recovering.

In the distance you could hear the sirens of the promised ambulance. Finally. You didn't know how much longer you could keep standing.

The car stopped next to you and two paramedics jumped out to assess your situation. They brought out the bed and carefully laid you on top of it.

You had to get stiches in the hospital and you resumed filming a few weeks later when you could move around without the sharp pain in your body.

-

"So needless to say i couldn't do any stunts for a good while" you tried to lift the mood, that settled in the studio, with a joke. Sebastian, who was sitting beside you, snorted.

"Of course you couldn't. And I wouldn't let you either." he said.

"I think my stunt double is scarred for life because of that" you all laughed at Scarlett's comment. You talked it out with Heidi and you made sure she knew that you weren't blaming her. It turned out that the fake and real knives were mixed up and no one knew how it happened. There was an investigation, because it was way too dangerous for it to happen again and they put new safety measures in place. Nothing like that happened ever since.

"Everyone was panicking so much. I think I was the calmest person there and I was the one with a knife in my side" everyone laughed at that.

"I understand now why this is the most memorable thing that happened to you" Jimmy spoke.

"Yes we all have that memory engraved in our minds now" Chris added.

"And I have a cool scar from it too" you laughed.

[taminoamirfouad]

newsletter: 6/22/22

“Dear reader, Thank you so much for the many heartwarming words on the ‘Fascination’ video. We had the most fun making this one as I’m sure you might have noticed in the result. I thought it would be cool to share some words of director Bastiaan Lochs with you: Bastiaan Lochs: “‘Fascination’ always sounded to me like a roadtrip on hot tarmac flirting with psychedelics. From the very start we knew this would become a car movie. If you listen closely to the intro it even sounds like there’s a car hitting the brakes.

The song is also a love song though so for the longest time we were writing scripts with two main characters. The boy and the girl. We wrote maybe 5 different scenarios until we hit upon one that felt like it ticked all the boxes. It would have been a film with a dancer in a car and an entire ballet group involved. We prepared the whole shoot, were basically ready to shoot, all we needed were a couple of final locations. I remember I was at an abandoned coal mine while it was storming, scouting for the perfect lake, when I got a phone call from Tamino and we started second guessing the script. After maybe thirty minutes we decided to pull the plug, cancel the entire production, and start over anew. That sounds easier than it is. A month of sleepless nights and no social life thrown away. Even though our deadline was in ten days and we were supposed to film in five, it felt like the better idea. But back on the road towards Tamino’s house, where we would be having a crisis meeting, I couldn’t help but start brainstorming again already. On auto pilot. As a kid I used to watch a lot of music documentaries with my dad. We both are avid music fans. The documentary on The Doors was one of my favourites. The iconic images of Jim Morrison driving a car through the desert while losing grip on reality (taken from the mythical film ‘HWY: An American Pastoral’) are especially haunting. I had these in my head as a source of inspiration from the very start of the project but somehow I had never shown them to Tamino, Adrien (creative director), or Jonathan (co-director). When we played a youtube excerpt from the documentary to the song, it felt like the two matched each other so impossibly well that we couldn’t help but laugh the whole way through. We were so mesmerized by it that we wanted to make an ode to the documentary and the original Jim Morrison film. There were techniques in the documentary footage that you “can’t” use these days anymore because it looks wrong, like slowing down real time footage until it starts chopping and cross fading really slowly in and out of shots, but these ended up being the stylistic choices that excited me and our DOP Sander Vandenbroucke the most. So we decided to really shoot it raw and edit it like a documentary film in post. So the very next day we started looking for the right car and the closest desert we could find. And we rode there as soon as we could. The car was an absolute gem. A Dodge Charger RT 440 Magnum Tripleblack from 1968. The classic vibe of the images we were inspired by was also heavily infused by the use of 16mm pelicule. But there’s a shortage in Europe everywhere on 16mm film because of the high demand and supply chain issues. We ended up finding some of the last film rolls in Europe in Paris on our way to our shooting location. I think it’s one of the most romantic things we ever did in a pre-production, drive through the city center of Paris to pick up our film. And drop it off a week later for development when we were done. The whole experience became such a trip. Filmmaking can normally be a very stressful endeavour for musicians. We wanted to let go this time and just have fun while shooting this music video. I must say driving around in one of the most badass cars to be found in Western Europe really helped. We went urban exploring. Jumping from waterfalls. Drifting while listening to Nirvana in the desert. you can really see that the fun translated to the screen. This feels like one of the more “real” films I ever made. For once we get a glimpse at the other side of Tamino also. A side that only friends and family get to see often: he’s actually not always that gloomy. He’s one of the funniest people I know. I love the fact that this video might mess with the idea the outside world has of him. Replace the melancholy with rock and roll and humor. The final shot, where he sits on a rock looking into the camera, almost as if he’s being shot for a swimwear fashion shoot, is my favourite shot of the film. Every time I see it I start laughing again. I can’t imagine an image that would feel more like a wink to the audience.””

[tooktheladdedgbtq]

....and the Oscar goes to.. | Tom Holland X Male!actor reader. 

A/N: this was just something I wrote because I got inspired I guess. Happy Pride everyone!

——————————————

You couldn’t decide whether time was slipping through your fingers too quickly or if this had been the longest night you’d ever experienced.

seconds slowed to a crawl while you tried to gather yourself before it was your turn to take the stage. You were nervous. Not about being at the oscars or presenting for the first time. Not even about being nominated for your leading role in the second installment of a critically acclaimed trilogy. No, you’d been used to these sorts of things, you’d been an actor since you were a very young kid. Starting on television before film, and you even got to hold the Emmy the show had won when you had just turned a teenager.

No, you were nervous about who exactly you’d be presenting to. Of the five nominees and potential winners, only one could cause such an intensive feeling in your chest. Only one could awaken a sense of dread that battled with a feeling of intensive happiness mixed with anticipation, and it was Tom.

You’d known each other for years and had come to fall in love. You’d met as young co-stars on set and eventually grew into an inseparable friendship that progressed into something far more. Neither of you were sure when the feelings started but it felt like they’d always been there and you weren’t exactly complaining.

Your blissfulness with Tom was beautiful but short lived. After almost a year of being official you both agreed to take a break from the relationship. Unbeknownst to Tom you were just agreeing to save face and hadn’t pried for an answer out of fear of being hurt. You just accepted that this was how things were now, and took a step back.

You’d still kept in contact with him. It was hard not to. He was still your best friend. But whether it was the business of work or something a little more awkward, distance grew between you both as the multi-hour long facetime calls and text threads became once-a-week check-ins to just make sure you were alive and okay.

Time had passed, and you didn’t have a clue what you could possibly say to him now. You certainly didn’t want to ruin his special night. But you’d missed him so much and felt like you would implode at the first sign that he’d be interested in getting back together with you. But you also didn’t want to seem desperate or needy if he’d moved on. You didn’t want to slip and say those three words again in the moment.

Father time showed you no mercy as the sand in his hourglass suddenly shifted from a slow-motion drip to a flood. The seconds you’d spent daydreaming of your past with Tom and pondering about the your potential future had passed and left you with little time to gather yourself before presenting. still you shook your hands, arms, and lastly shoulders, putting all your worries aside and waited for introduction from the host.

Before long you’d been counted in to walking on stage, and heard the host over the microphone. “Ladies and Gentlemen, to present the award and introduce the nominees for Best Supporting Actor, please welcome one of this year’s nominees and one of our generation’s greatest talents: Y/F/N Y/L/N.”

The applause erupts from the audience like a revved up engine as you took center but it was nothing compared to the standing ovation you’d receive later on that night when receiving your own award for Best Actor.

You were stood promptly center staged with the towering Oscar statue reflecting onto the black stage floor beneath your feet. Your outfit was alluring and would surely be the next hot topic which is rare for male stars. You looked like a million bucks. Everyone knew it, most of all, Tom.

You smile and wave as you approach the microphone, your teeth shining a blinding white, and wait for a hush from the crowd.

You chuckle lightly as a few hoots and hollers sound out as the cheers subside.

You eye the monitor across the room and start to read, your nerves dying down as your jokes land and laughter echoes around the room.

As you finish the introduction, clips start to show behind you to accompany the names of the nominees as the cameras catch a glimpse of each of their reactions.

You couldn’t help but notice how tough the competition was as each actor was called. Steven Yuen playing a detective in a thrilling murder mystery. John David Washington in a fictional film playing the world’s first black astronaut aiding in the discovery of lovecraftian horrors. Andrew Garfield for his role as a psychotic narcissist and genius businessman. Oscar Issac acting in a sci fi space opera asking questions of existentialism.

Finally, you had to withhold your smile as you called out the last name. He had returned to his Billy Elliot roots being nominated for his role in a astonishing musical romance film. “Tom Holland.” You’d been ecstatic when he’d told you about it as you’d always recommend he tried it again since it made him so happy in his younger years.

You spot him a few rows from the stage, making eye contact with him and wondering if he was thinking about you the way you had done with him earlier. You couldn’t help but notice him squirming in his chair and fidgeting with his hands. Selfishly asking yourself if this wasn’t just about the award but about having you present it to him.

Seeing you here after what felt like an eternity apart and your reunion potentially being the greatest achievement of both your careers. Making it the greatest night of your lives, that is, if you were still together. But you were still best friends. That’s what mattered. So you push your self centered thoughts aside and shoot him a small wave that he returns with a smile and thumbs up. letting you know he was okay and that you could continue as the camera pans back to you capturing your not so hidden giddiness.

This awarded some small oos and aahs from the crowd as your relationship with him had been a wholly celebrated one. especially among your marvel peers.

You’re handed an envelope and statue as the music ends and the applause dies down and you take one final glare into the camera before beginning to open the envelope.

“....and the Oscar goes to,” you take a peek at the crowd and see some of the nominees holding hands with loved ones. others plainly

awaiting your next words with bated breath. The anticipation shone on everyone’s faces. Even those that weren’t nominated. Your not-so-hidden grin giving away the answer mere milliseconds before his name escaped your lips. “Tom Holland!”

Tom shot up with a shared expression of shock and happiness on his face. Pecking his mother on the cheek as she wipes the tears of pride from her eyes. His best mate Harrison gives him a quick embrace and a pat on the back before he moves on to shake hands with the director and smile at everyone cheering him on as he gradually moves toward the stage still completely baffled at the victory.

As he walks towards you in his pink pastel colored suit and brown leather dress shoes you can’t help but swell with an overwhelming feeling of joy having been here to share this career defining moment with him. You thought about how far you’d both come to get here and almost started tearing up remembering all you’d been through together.

He skipped up the miniature steps and blanketed you with both arms. You didn’t want it to end as you hadn’t felt it in a while. You threw your arms around his neck and he tightens his hold around your torso. Before you could even process them, your blunt thoughts spill out as whispers.

“I’m so incredibly proud of you. you deserve this and so much more.” you hear a small chuckle escape him as he responds. “I am trying not to cry y’know mate?” a wolf whistle comes from the crowd as you apologize for being so sappy and before he can tell you off for it you hand him his award and shove him off toward the microphone.

As he takes center stage you stand off to the side to watch him give his acceptance speech. He pauses and takes a second to gather himself before he starts talking straight from his heart with nothing prepared.

“Um, Wow. I really can’t believe this is really happening and I probably still won’t believe it happened tomorrow. Just.. wow.” his words were filled with that charmingly British accent you’d come to love so much.

“First I would like to thank my mother, without whom of course, I would not be here. I would like to thank the academy and everyone who worked on this movie from the producers and camera men, make-up and costumes, to our wonderful writers, composer, back up dancers and vocalists, and of course my friends, my co-star and the director Damien Chazelle.” whom he gestures to sitting in the second row. “I share this with all of you and I can’t thank you enough for awarding me with the opportunity to create something I love so much.”

He thanks the other nominees before turns towards you to end his speech. you felt your heart in your hands when you saw his big brown puppy eyes dart in your direction with an intensive glare of admiration.

“last but most importantly, I want to thank the inspiration for all of the love songs I sung in the film and the reason I decided to take the role. The person standing here on my right.”

Your jaw drops and your eyes widen when his words hit you like a speeding semi. you realize that he’d just called you his muse in so many words. the inspiration behind the love songs in the film no less. Meaning that with every lovestruck note his character sung he was reminded of you. All that time spent worrying if the distance between you two would cause him to forget about you, or if he’d maybe moved on and found somebody else. But no such thing had happened. He was relating his character’s longing in the film to his longing for you this entire time and that made your heart do a backflip.

You blush and cover your still ajar mouth with your fist whilst trying not to pay attention to the crowd who’s attention was fully focused on you.

He takes a deep sigh before continuing. “Y/N you’re not only the reason I took this role, but you’re the reason I was able to play it with such sincerity. You’ve been a unwavering beacon of support throughout my career in general but here you really gave me the inspiration for something special. He faces the audience again as the all follow his words with whispers of how adorable you both were. “from reading lines together in the middle of the night, to keeping me company when i’m on the brink of a meltdown.” It was all true and it only made you miss you relationship more and you found it difficult to hold back your tears.

“Y/N is the kind of best friend everybody needs, the kind of partner everybody deserves, and the person I’m so incredibly lucky to have known for so long. ..and I still can’t believe he never figured out the lyrics were all about him, It was kind of obvious-” the audience laughed you’re so close to swooning as he turns toward you again. “But, with all my heart, I love you, Y/N. Always will.” you feel as if you’re floating.

He shifts to the crowd one last time to say a final thank you before you both walk off stage one arm around one another’s shoulders. You have a short but sweet conversation backstage with him where reassures you that everything he said on stage was true and completely unscripted. He wants to talk more but knows your category is coming soon so he asks for a later opportunity and you agree before returning to your seat in the crowd.

The rest of the night flew by with you winning the award for best actor and receiving the biggest applause of the night. Tom joined in the standing ovation. You thanked everybody involved in making the film, the academy, and squeezed a little joke directed towards Tom that garnered a shared laugh from both him and the audience. You were the last award of the night and after the celebrations it was time to return to your place, where Tom was waiting for you. Wanting to talk about everything that had happened not just tonight but everything leading up to it. He also hoped you’d kept a spot open in your heart for him to return to.