#my cat is missing and i cant sleep
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can't sleep. my cats been missing since yesterday afternoon. this'll be her second night not here and the longest she's ever been away from home. its been raining all day. its still raining. my wife thinks she might have gotten stuck up a tree. she hates the cold and being wet. also heights. she doesn't like jumping up to high places. we think she fell out of a tree when she was a kitten before I found her.
I looked for her all day and into tonight. stopped once it got too dark. gonna keep looking once the sun comes up again and I know I need go sleep before that happens
ive never actually bonded with an animal before but ive also never had one as long as ive had her. its been 10 years. ive also never had one go missing. i dont like new feelings. ive had 3 panic attacks and started crying like a dozen times. ive checked all over the house, every floor every room top to bottom over and over again. pretty much once every hour. I checked outside 4 times but I didn't search the trees in the backyard. thats the first thing I'm gonna check in the morning. I want to check now but its pitch black and I dont have a good enough flashlight. but its raining. its raining and she hates the rain and heights and the cold
I dont actually know what I'll do if shes dead. not finding her would somehow be worse. id just worry forever.. I still don't know how she got out, if she got out. my wife keeps telling me there's no way she's just dead inside the house. she wasn't sick. or old. theres nothing she could eat that would poison her. if she'd fallen inside and snapped her neck we'd have found her by now. the dogs would know and be acting weird. by tomorrow wed start to smell her.. shes gotta be outside
I just want her to be somewhere. anywhere. Its driving me insane that I dont know where she is or what's happening to her or where to find her. I dont even have a clue. she just disappeared into thin air. she's not an outside cat. everywhere I look and everything I do is a guess or a shot in the dark. I dont know what to do so im not doing enough. I could look for her better if I knew where she was. if I knew anything at all other than that I saw her in the kitchen yesterday afternoon and then haven't seen her since. I hate not knowing things I hate not having information I hate not knowing what the right thing to do next is. theres too many variables and too many options and I just don't know.
I spent all day tearing apart the house looking for her. what if shes been outside the whole time. I could have been looking outside more. I could have found her by now. what if I keep wasting more time and more days go by because I just don't know
I hate not knowing. it makes u make the wrong decisions. u dont know and then u do the wrong thing and then u get the bad outcome because u didn't know. I hate it I hate it I hate it. this is why I need to know everything all the time because if I just know things I can fix it. I never have enough information to just fucking fix it
I need to go to sleep. I want my cat back.
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LET'S GOOOOOOOOO
#i love this cat. i will forever miss him /silly#also LOOK AT THAT AXE !!!! I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT OMG OMG OMG !!!!!!!!!#anyway#demon shares wips™#the realm smp#trsmp#the realm pili#trsmp pili#pili dtowncat#dtowncat#art wip#current wip#my wips#wip#in love with giving this dumb cat hair. i cant have furries without hair bc i LOVE drawing hair !!!!!!!#gonna go sleep now#probably#(i havent slept. it's 7:47 am 👍)
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Homeeee:)))!!!!
#foxie pics#nes the dog#pepper the cat#i cant believe ive been up for over 24 hrs erm#i gen. forgot LMAO#hatt was like “how are u still awake” and i was like “wdym its 11pm??” before Remembering it is in fact like 8am internal clock time#oh well jet lag won't get to meeee hehehe im immune mwahahaha#so ready to sleep in my own bed tonight w ny stuffies and sleep in and relax and hang out w the pets tomorrow rahshsh#maybe go on a walk who knowsss#im really happy being home tho i had a lovely night w my stepmom:))))))❤️❤️❤️#and the PETS ohkygod they missed me sm it was adorable omg i feel so loved#they both love the toys i got for them sm??1😭😭 snd theyre picky animals im gonna cryhdhddjkdkd#foxie rambles
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ah, an Unwell day.
#u know the like#it's an i want my mom kind of day lmao i just feel Bad and so so overwhelmed#partly because i can't call my mom to talk about. like. anything. i miss her! i miss being able to have a conversation that isn't safe!!!#lenore scared me so bad yesterday like she's fine and it was probably nothing but she was sleeping next to me#and her head lolled off the desk#and it didnt wake her up so i was like hey buddy and pet her. and she still didnt wake up. and her head was just hanging.#so i actively Woke Her Up cause i was so scared and she was just so so asleep but god.#keep losing things. cant find the stupid reader for my sensor and i dont even know where else to look#it's not a big apartment!!!! even less space to lose things in!!! but it's just fucking gone.#and so are my stupid sunglasses im in a blind hell of my own design#rambling about the small things cause the big things are too big#need to finish unpacking. hopefully that'll help but ive been struggling with it. won't feel safe to unpack i think til the other apartment#is rented.#just another wednesday cryin on the cat
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ON DA FUCKINT GRIND 💪💪💪💪💪💪🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
#rad1oart#im going to crash SOOO hard in like an hour just watch#whatever i have a comm to finish i cant afford to crash rn#dawg my mom woke up and was like holy shit youre awake????? must be serious 😨😨#the only other times ive pulled an all nighter was to crunch the fuck out of school work (50 page horticulture assignment I DONT MISS YOU!!#the only allnighter my MOM knows of was in middle school when i had to crunch a fucking essay on the floor of my bedroom#she walked in and was like What The Fuck Dont Do That Again But Also Get That Bag#the acetaminophen is for my headaches and general body achesANIMALS BY NICKLEBACK 🔥🔥🔥🔥#gang ive been so loopy all morning the only thing keeping me together is this roadtrip playlist me and ollie made#its the rock and metal thats keeping me locked tf in. i am going to sleep in like an hour or two and i will hear the#echos of fucking sabaton in my head#also i keep hallucinating but i cant tell if i really am or if its The House Ghost#both maybe. probably both. 90% chance its both.#coffee tastes like ass btw i hate drinking this shit but i need to LOCK TF IN.#sorry im rambling i literally have barely spoken to anyoneOh Hello Millionaires Fuck Yeahanyways yeah#my dad was up working as always so i had occasional yapping with him about Whatever and then i talked to my cats and myself for#like 4 hours and then my mom and then i said hi to my brother when he audibly said Whar at me
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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only been out of my house like 3 or 4 hours and i already want to go home
#i want to colour bugs and go to bed#i miss my cat#and my slippers#and my weighted blanket#it's past my bed time but idk if im staying up for a movie or not. i cant wait to sleep and get Things Done tomorrow and just go hoooome#i want to DRAW#personal babble#delete later
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snores
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More HFTH doods :D most of this page was done on an Airplane so. Like. Pardon the messiness :)
#moth is my fav doodle on this page actually I think moth looks awesome#especially moths tattoo!! it looks banger!!#tho the Olivier one is a close second#they need to sleep for 16 hours straight and then eat a full meal and maybe that’d fix them (projecting)#also that doodle#was very much inspired by me. Missing My Cat. I missed her#cause I was visiting family#and I missed her napping with me :( but that just means that I get to project onto Olivier and say that#the ONLY way they sleep well is when there’s someone/something with them#like nimbus and Moth (that one is CANON AND IM THRILLED!!!!!!)#spoilers for ep 71 from this tag on!!!#BUT AGH IM SO UPSET THEY DIDNT KEEP NIMBUS!!!!! FUCK.#THAT IS OLIVIERS ESA WHY CANT THEU BE HAPPY#none of that is canon I’m just insane#remy rambles#hello from the hallowoods#hello from the Hallowoods fanart
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the dreams that feel real ( like ur in ur bed sleeping and get 'woken up' in the dream and ur like huh ) do a number on me bc i have to spend the next several hours convincing myself i'm both real and awake
#usually eating smth helps w grounding#but the dpdr is like idk .... u cant trust anything#bc i kept trying to wake myself up in the dream ( which i normally cant tell like i dont have lucid dreams )#and kept failing#kept trying to make myself twitch or move or smth and that didn't help i wasnt waking up#so my brain is like 'no ... we're sleeping .... we're STILL sleeping ' even tho i am awake ....#i think#at least it was a nice dream except for the freaking out that i couldn't wake up but my cat came to visit#which was nice bc i've been missing her
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our cat keeps laying on me and simply refusing to allow me time to get into a comfortable position first so here’s some godawful pictures i took of her as payback
#the first one really spoke to me#had to share it#but seriously i have been holding this cat ALL day#and my dog has been extra close because he hasn’t felt well#and my bones have been twisted into So Many positions to accommodate them#like what?? you expect me to move them?? make them get up?? say NO to cuddling them??#i cant do that i just sacrifice my bones and take bad pictures of our cat instead#id never punish my dog though he’s the light of my life#impossible to take bad pictures of because he’s perfect <3#he’s sleeping against my legs again😌 (bragging)#can you tell i missed him lol#life junk#not anime
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there are moments when i am not physically washin me n my clothes. im not washin me. and im not washing my clothes. but spiritually? im washin me n my clothes bitch.
#dils declares#sitting here at 3am after a 12 hour day of travel on the couch since i cant sleep on my bed#because my beloved kitty cat missed me so much he just HAD to poop all over my bed.#i do feel drunk as fuck
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i got the cutscene <3
#its actually crazy that there was even more content i missed that impacted the story this much#like this rlly illustrated how even tho my character and astari0n have both become better people astari0n is still so behind in that#(we know why ofc. hes still acting like a feral cat trying to self preservere with teeth and nail and all until the very end; the ritual)#my character had his most obvious 'shifting point' at the transition from act 2 to act 3#like he fully realized that this is now truly bigger than himself. he has left marks on the lands and he has to go all the way#he has made true friends. one of his best friends is the kindest most compassionate person in the world#and very importantly he loves astari0n and THAT is the reason he now feels this actual compassion towards the other spawn#hes so personally invested in this issue now#and he can say that 'the world can be a wonderful place if you find your home in it astari0n' bc its something he has just recently had#a personal revelation abt#and astari0n deflects it and describes my character as someone who now 'spends their life sorting out other peoples problems'#and it rlly brings it to focus that he just cannot meet him where hes at anymore#just great conflict that feels actually meaningful and perfectly fits into the roleplay storyline ive made for my character#and omg the line 'im doing this for you too you know. to make sure were both safe. forever' from astari0n is just AAAAAAHDJJDJD. CRAZY#bc we know how toxic he becomes towards you if he completes the ritual!!!!!!#HHHHH this character!!!!! hes just MWAH. perfection#i cant wait until i get to doing the szarr palace again bc this added conflict will make the conclusion of this quest even more satisfying#anyway TOTAL tonal shift time. in start of the cutscene astari0n is standing next to the bed my character was sleeping in#so i can now have the hc that some nights they sleep in the same bed <3#(WELL. you know. my character sleeps while he meditates)
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RATS are NOT your friends at night while you're reading a scary book
#so if you didnt know. rats are nocturnal#so its 2am where i am rn. my room is pitch dark because i have my blinds shut#and im reading a scary book. lots of spooky creatures and body horror and haunted shit#and my rats. are knocking shit over and chewing on things and generally being menaces#or theyll go silent for a minute abd i think theyre chilling and then all of a sudden theyll drop a toy or something#and scare the shit out of me#they use their spooky little hands to climb on the bars of their cage. and they use their spooky little teeth to aggressively eat kibble#and i gave them new toys today. these edible foraging toys that they love#but that means my room is full of the sound of pulling on bars. or the clicking of a water bottle. or chewing. so muvh chewing#and im reading about this dead body come back to life. with like all of her bones broken. killing a guy in the most grotesque way#and its altogether a very bad experience#i was bored for the first 70ish pages but then it got really fucking good and im hooked. but its also terrifying#the rats have gone silent but now my dog is shifting in his kennel outside my room#both are terrifying. why are my rats silent. why is my dog moving. when will he move next#these animals are harassing me. whats next. my sibling's rabbit is going to break in? in roommate's cat will start scratching at the door?#if my landlord is reading this then ignore all of these tags. we only have a dog sir. no rodents or felines or whatever tf a rabbit is here#ah the rats are making sounds again. terrible horrifying sounds#i have to piss but im scared to get out of bed. i think i live here now. in bed. i cant leave#on a somewhat related note i really want to make deviled eggs rn but i have roommates that are trying to sleep#on one hand i miss living alone. on the other it makes me feel safer to have two other people here with me#even if the threat is only my imagination#and my mischievous critters
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I was not expecting to be grieving my childhood cat who died back in 2020 tonight, but here we are
#i have legit been crying instead of sleeping but im supposed to be sleeping#and i need energy for tomorrow 🙃#but also you all need to know velma was the best kitty and im so sorry i didn’t know how to take care of her then but i do now and id#do anything to make it up to her because she was an angel before she died and i miss her so much#and i loved her and i still do i promise i still do#she smelled like french fries#and she purred so so so loud#but i can’t remember what it sounded like#i cant remember what her meow sounded like#and im so upset i wish i did#i made sure to get a recording of toffees meow because i don’t want to forget#but i still don’t want to let go of velma she was my best friend#and i know im not going to forget her because i grew up with her but im so scared i will#just because ive already forgotten how she sounded#but i love her so much she was such a good cat#🐈⬛ <- she looked like this. she was a little black kitty cat with yellow eyes and she was beautiful#and i remember the prettiest collar she had was one with a little white bow that had a bunch of rhinestones#did she take that with her when she died or is it lost somewhere?#i don’t even remember if we still had that collar when she died#it may have been thrown out by then#but if it wasn’t. id like to find it.#id like to wear it as a bracelet maybe#i just. miss her.#i miss her and it’s 1am and i cant sleep and i haven’t been able to because there’s always so much to think about#and tonight the thoughts are all about my precious cat and i wish i could cuddle her right now but i cant and this is the worst actually#anyway
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