#my brother is watching TNG for the first time

[risingchaos]

Every day I try to forget Beverly got freaky with a ghost that also got freaky with her grandmother, and every day I fail because that’s an absolutely insane storyline that my brain refuses to delete.

[writergeekrhw]

Recently discovered your account. So cool that you're sharing your experience with us! I discovered Star Trek during the pandemic and have since become utterly obsessed. DS9 was the best by far!

I would love to hear more about the writers! Were you all fans of trek when you were hired, or were some unfamiliar with it? Do you all keep in touch and share opinions about the writing on other trek shows? Is some of the magic lost from having seen behind the scenes, or does it enhance it?

Thanks!!

All of us were definitely familiar with STAR TREK (both TOS and TNG) when we joined DS9. In fact, most of us had worked on TNG at some point, even if it was just as a freelancer (like me). I think our degree of fandom varied. I would have characterized myself as a big fan of TOS and a casual fan of TNG when I was invited in to pitch to TNG, mostly because I fell off the bandwagon after the rough first season. But I watched episodes every night in syndication to prep for my pitches, and I definitely became a fan once I saw how much the show had improved after I gave up on it.

I'd say Ron and Rene were probably the biggest fans. They got into TV because they wanted to write STAR TREK, more or less. I'd say Pete Fields was probably the least invested in the franchise, in that by the time he came on, he'd been writing TV since MAN FROM UNCLE, so to him, it was just another show (one he liked a lot) and another gig. The rest of us were somewhere in between.

We all talk from time to time. I picketed with Ira a few weeks ago. I saw Brad and David on the picket lines over the past few weeks as well. We're not all super-close but it's always great to see each other. Sometimes we talk about current shows, but honestly, we usually talk about each other's families and how our lives are going.

As for the magic, it can be a little hard to watch STAR TREK now as a casual fan and not second guess things or wonder how I might've done a particular scene or episode, but I'm usually able to get past that to enjoy the latest LOWER DECKS or SNW. I still love STAR TREK in all its forms and I'll always been proud of the work Ira and the rest of us did DS9. I'm deeply blessed and grateful to call Ira, Ron, Rene, Hans, Brad, David and Jim my brothers. And I miss Michael, Pete, and Evan a lot.

[startrekprodigyfan]

Okay yeah… I binged the whole season in one day.

It was actually surprisingly easy to do so. And while that means my planned slower recaps and speculation are basically out the window, I also now just don’t have to worry about spoilers for weeks on end.

I’m still going to keep spoilers under a cut though. Even if you block key hashtags, stuff can get through, and just making the spoilers further down a text post you have to scroll past to continue browsing tumblr doesn’t help either. Hide that content behind a cut, please!

Non-spoiler thoughts:

It was so good. It was honestly more Trek than I could’ve possibly expected. And to all those early naysayers who were confused by the Protostar and where it was supposed to be in the timeline after the first episode of season 1, all of that gets answered and put into context by the end of season 2. Thank GOD! Every single plot point people brought up and thought was a “plot hole” gets filled and explained.

It’s not as emotional as the first season, but the situations and events definitely still have a lot of weight and the stakes are so high for so long too! There’s a surprising number of dark events that happen throughout the series. Way darker than even I’m used to watching the animated shows that I do. Kudos for not skimping on the peril and stakes of the mission for the sake of kids being traumatized lol

And while there is the potential for more, if we never get a season 3 this would still be an extremely satisfying ending all the same. I am very happy there aren’t any loose ends here.

Prodigy is without a doubt the most reliably consistent Star Trek show that’s ever existed. Not a single episode feels like filler. Not a single episode wastes time or characters. Even the goofy episodes have character development and callbacks later, and I genuinely don’t think there’s a single episode that I would skip or not watch again. That’s an amazing feat in and of itself, but as a Trek fan that’s just unheard of! Kudos all around!

Now for my longer spoiler thoughts under the cut:

Okay…

How the HELL did you guys make Wesley Crusher’s time traveling arc sooo good? As a TNG fan I was always annoyed with the “traveler” storylines and with Wesley’s character in general. Even as a kid I never really liked him. But this storyline makes him interesting and gives a lot of weight to his powers. He’s almost like The Doctor from Doctor Who, someone who has so much going on in his head that he’s sort of lost it.

That honestly was the biggest surprise to me. I was convinced that Hologram Janeway (and the construct) were somehow manipulating time and events because of the wormhole. Janeway would be trying to help them, while the construct was trying to stop them. That was my working theory for the start of the series. Imagine my surprise when it turns out it’s Wesley Crusher! wtf!?

I do like that he gets to reunite with his mom finally. And that he learns he has a brother.

Incidentally that’s something else I was not expecting. How MUCH of this series was going to be timeline connected to the events of Picard and Lower Decks respectively. Like, wow… they connected the Mars Shipyard explosion and the Romulan evacuation plot points that made sense for the story. Like holy crap, then FINALLY getting into Starfleet only for the shipyards to explode and Starfleet is severely crippled. I did not expect that to happen, and it’s sadly realistic too.

I still hate the Romulan evacuation storyline from Picard, but as a matter of keeping things consistent it makes sense for it here. And while I don’t like it being a canon event, it’s overall good for the consistency of “prime” trek.

I do like that Dal became a second in command. I’ve always felt like Dal was never really destined to be the captain and that he’s always been better at helping others be their best selves. So it makes sense for his character arc that he learns he doesn’t need to be in charge to make a difference and that there’s no shame in being second.

Overall I am still reeling from how much Trek happened in this season. There’s never a dull moment. Unfortunately I am not optimistic about a 3rd season. Netflix picking up a mostly completed series to broadcast on their streaming service is far FAR cheaper than paying for an entire season to be created outright. And sadly, as much as I want more Prodigy, I have a feeling it’s just not on people’s radars enough for it to do gangbuster numbers enough to convince Netflix to pick them up for a 3rd season. I hope I am proven wrong, but I will not get my desire for more season unrealistically hyped up.

I do want to rewatch the entire show now, because there were clues left in the first season that only get answered at the end of season 2. And I love closed loop time travel storylines like that! I can’t wait to go back and connect the dots knowing what I know now.

An excellent series. Probably one of Trek’s best in decades. A true love for the material and the characters and the legacy of Trek lore all rolled into an amazingly animated package.

[eponymous-rose]

So I've been rewatching Star Trek: TNG as comfort TV during/post-move and just got to Yesterday's Enterprise, which I remember liking well enough, but man, it's really unusual in the context of the rest of these early episodes. For one thing, the violence shown is a lot more stark than we've seen in the show thus far - Riker with his throat cut, Captain Garrett with the metal shrapnel in her head, lingering close-ups on dead faces. It's dark and moody and the "happy ending" resolution (as far as we know at this point, anyway) is saving the few survivors of a brutal battle, patching them up, and then shipping them straight back into that battle to be killed.

Given the show's not-so-great track record with its female characters, it's weirdly refreshing that we get a re-do for Tasha Yar. And yeah, she falls in love with a dude and goes off with him on his ship, but she was ready to say goodbye to him and that would've been that - what finally prompts her to step willingly into the meat-grinder is the realization that she had an "empty death" (Guinan had some really raw lines in this one) in the other timeline, and that now her death can have some meaning. It's nicely done, if a bit of a self-flagellating "mea culpa" on the writers' parts.

The alternate timeline isn't the gleeful, campy evil of the Mirrorverse, it's just an exhausted grind through the final days of a losing war. Lots of little touches show how desperate things have become - Wesley's been fast-tracked to a full ensign, Picard is a tactician first and foremost (he takes officers' opinions under advisement, yes, but he's also keeping from them the inevitable, imminent surrender), the bridge is laid out so the captain is front and center with everyone else in the background. As a contrast with the actual Enterprise's chill 90s living room lounge vibe, it's pretty striking. It's like a sneak preview into the bleak and war-heavy sci-fi that would start saturating pop culture a decade or so later, and then it's a firm rejection of that premise - "This isn't a ship of war. It's a ship of peace."

I have a long, long history with TNG - DS9 is my favorite Trek on balance, but TNG is encoded in my DNA. From around ages 3 and 5, my brother and I were watching and rewatching TNG constantly. (My parents would laugh over the fact that my brother didn't know how to read yet but had memorized the episode titles of the first couple seasons.) We had pajamas. We scoured every garage sale and had a giant metal can full of action figures and phasers and tricorders and ships and even, shockingly, that transporter toy that made things disappear using mirrors.

The tactile experience of those toys is burned in my brain - the loose nacelles on the Enterprise model, the click of the left phaser button, the little hole at the bottom of the Borg cube that we once stuck a pencil in and had the tip of the graphite snap off and rattle around forevermore. My brother and I played incessantly with our action figures, to the point where most of them had the paint at least partially rubbed off - we created hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of new episodes over the years. The first time I ever used a touchscreen was at some sort of Star Trek exhibition in Canada in the early 90s that we stumbled across on our way to visit my grandparents.

I'm always fascinated by how kids interact with fictional media - my brother and I were so young, but we obviously knew Star Trek wasn't real. Except... I just always assumed that important people watched it, realized "well, that seems nice", and were actively working to make that future happen. I was (perhaps a little embarrassingly) older when I realized that no, we weren't gonna be out there on science missions to the stars during my lifetime. At least, not in an Enterprise kind of way.

At any given time, there's just this Star Trek filter over how I experience the world - when I got to go to college thanks to scholarships, I had that weighty feeling of responsibility and awe that came with daydreaming about Starfleet Academy. I saw my career shift from the gold of engineering to the blue of science to the red of command. And the older I get, the more I appreciate a show that, for all its flaws, managed to make a utopia interesting and complex.

Because TNG was such a phenomenon when I was a little kid in the early 90s, a lot of my family relationships also have TNG tied up in them. I remember going to my grandparents' apartment and my uncle showing us a fan magazine about the show. I remember another uncle who didn't really "get it" but gifted me and my brother astronaut ice cream because he knew we liked that space stuff. I remember watching most episodes curled up on the couch or my parents' bed with my brother and my mom and dad. When Mom got sick and we talked about death, I remember the way she wistfully brought up the Nexus from Generations or how she hoped she could see the next season of Picard (she didn't, sadly, but she really enjoyed that first season). Hell, one of the first real bonding moments I had with my otherwise hyper-professional and businesslike PhD advisor was when she made a TNG joke, I laughed at it, and she said, "I just love that show, everyone's so nice to each other."

It's just been a lot of fun coming back to this show, is all. I think I periodically forget how much it's affected me and the extent to which it was a fundamental, formative influence. While a lot of it either hasn't aged well or fails to hold up to modern media analysis, so much of it is still lovely, and occasionally there are these moments of shockingly good storytelling.

Star Trek good.

[clementine-kesh]

✨🥹 and for a little controversy... ❌

-has star trek had a personal impact on you?

HUGE personal impact, it’s a little crazy tbh. i have fond memories of watching tng with my mom and brother as a kid, which was a big part of the reason i wanted to become a scientist in the first place. now i’m doing a phd in climate science and have a good chunk of impressive work for my age, all because of the silly space show!

-favourite behind the scenes photo?

one of many but this one makes me laugh every time. cat who got into the flour vibes

-one storyline/plot point that you hate from your favourite ST show/movie

jezri. get that the fuck out of here

[biblioflyer]

Rediscovering Discovery: just what was that show?

Once upon a time I set myself a task. A task that was actually kind of the original inspiration of this blog. Namely to rewatch and analyze Star Trek Picard in pursuit of an answer to the question: Did Picard turn the Federation into a Dystopia? A series of essays I intend to revisit now with the benefit of season three pointing the way to where the show was headed.

I didn't fully succeed at the rewatch. Its still a "bucket list" item but I got 6/10ths of the way through the first season and I felt comfortable saying "no." Its a darker show and one that emphasizes character arcs, character experiences, and the performance of emotion over the stoic, proceduralist, "competency porn" that marked the TNG era. There has definitely been a pulling back from some of the conceits of TNG: that 24th century humanity was radically altered in some core way, almost genetically from us (at the time) 20th century brutes, and that the Federation was almost supernaturally wise and virtuous.

Empirically speaking, both of these concepts were always memes. Oh to be sure, we were seeing a civilization that avowed a particular set of values that resonated very strongly with a particular sort of 1990s secular humanist and generally behaves relatively virtuously if your preferences are wired towards amiability over conflict. Yet it wasn't without its blindspots. My Roman Empire is that the Federation's superpower is not that it is perfectly just and wise at all times and places, its that it is a society whose acculturation process creates people who are somewhat less egotistical, more curious, and less impulsive under stress with the end result being that as a civilization, its superpower is responding to new information with openness and alacrity.

Thus, while there are judicious complaints about Picard: I am not a fan of using the Federation abdicating responsibility for a fellow sentient species, even one it has been hostile with for centuries, as a metaphor for disowning the victims of far flung conflicts and cataclysms in the real world. I'm okay with a flawed Federation that needs to confront its own failings, but this was pretty extreme. Well mostly extreme. There are at least two times Picard had to be talked into saving a prewarp civilization from certain doom because something something Prime Directive even though the Enterprise could do it with trivial effort and with minimal chance of overtly disrupting the society in question. Data's penpal and Worf's brother's preindustrial people.

Overall, I land that Picard doesn't alter the setting beyond recognition, beyond being a setting where justice ultimately prevails, or beyond being fairly labeled "Star Trek."

So what about Discovery?

Now that its over, its as good a time as any for a retrospective. My intent is to watch the first season over again, because its been a loooong time. I've always tried to watch the show in a charitable spirit, much as I have Picard. I try to be radically self aware in that I know my opinions are subjective, that my preferences are rooted in my own values and experiences, and that other people could read the same situation in different ways.

In addition, there are always at least two ways to analyze Star Trek. There's the literal way: which is what is happening and what that tells us about the people and the universe (sometimes called Watsonian) and the Doylist: the "meta" aspects. What is the show actually trying to do from a storytelling standpoint? What symbols is it invoking? What storytelling shorthands is it using? What messages or themes is it trying to convey and, if these really are the correct messages, how well is it actually selling those themes?

To be frank, I've often not been the biggest fan of Discovery from a technical standpoint. I've often felt that its internal logic is sloppy and that, like Picard, it frequently undercuts the messaging I believe it is trying to convey with that very same poor internal logic or by relying heavily on "telling" rather than "showing" us what to think.

Star Trek as a franchise loves to look straight at the camera and lecture us primitive 20th/21st century apes on our failures. Maybe its the nostalgia, but Discovery and Picard have generally both felt like they are less trusting of their audience to interpret the correct moral of the story. Of course I could be parroting a popular complaint about modern fiction that emphasizes "progressive" themes that is itself very likely a perpetual complaint about fiction that emphasizes "progressive" themes, and of course grandpa TOS was the victim of "OG cancel culture" in the form of various networks in various localities threatening to or even outright refusing to air the episode with the Kirk/Uhura kiss.

So in no particular order what I want to investigate is:

Is Discovery "pedantic"? Pedantic being highly subjective. One quirk about me is that it makes me irritable to feel like I'm being lectured on appropriate conduct and beliefs by someone who I share beliefs with, but is articulating those beliefs in a way that makes me feel pandered to (as in I'm not sure the source is as committed as I am) or feels superficial, flattening, or essentializing.

Is Discovery a deconstruction of Star Trek? As in it subverts core ideas in a way that would irk people who are committed to those themes. If so, which themes and is this a good thing or a bad thing?

Are the augmentations, contradictions, and retcons from "established canon" interesting and worthwhile story devices? I'm not anti-retcon and I'm not a canon purist, Star Trek by virtue of having many, many, many contributors is better interpreted as a mythology than a wholly coherent setting; but retcons can and should be judged on their merits.

Is Burnham a "Mary Sue?" This is an almost useless question because of its subjectivity. Its extra useless because in Star Trek, almost every Starfleet character is a polymath capable of inventing entire new fields of science on the spot out of rocks and vibes. There's also a layer of sexism and colorism to it. To the fullest extent possible, I want to frame this question in terms of what are the consequences to the story and worldbuilding from having a main character and less on whether or not that main character has merit.

To some extent this will also address whether Burnham's narrative arcs have robust narrative logic or if there are "too many cooks in the kitchen" resulting in a character who presents as incoherent from episode to episode and successful by fiat. This is definitely something that I think was smoothed over in seasons 4 and 5, starting with what I think was an intentional shift in her characterization as early as season 3.

Its possible my own preference for the more measured tone of network TV era Trek may lead me into the same minefields as the trolls in comment sections across the internet, but I'm hoping to keep my self awareness vivid.

My intent is to go for the full first season. I'm looking forward to it because my memories are extremely fuzzy and I authentically would be delighted to find delights that I had forgotten about.

[thegeminisage]

it's star trek update time!! last night* we watched tng's "gambit part i" and ds9's "invasive procedures." *earlier tonight but i am typing this at stupid o clock and letting it post itself tmrw.

gambit part i (tng):

had high hopes for this one initially. i love it when they put on civilian clothes, for starters, and also we got a little riker e worf e deanna before we ALSO got e beverly and the joke about her 1. being riker's sister (shoutout to that trill episode where she wouldn't fuck him at first because she said he was like a brother to her) and 2. picard getting her knocked up BECAUSE LIKE HE ABSOLUTELY DID KNOCK HER UP WITH WESLEY CRUSHER THEIR AFFAIR BABY really sent me to the fucking stratosphere. tng's been pretty watchable lately so i was giving it quite a lot of benefit of the doubt

unfortunately, we went directly from that to riker yelling at deanna for no reason...i always really disliked riker's relationship with picard. he's so weirdly hyperprotective of him in a way beyond his job duties. it doesn't feel like coworkers or friends or equals or even like it's supposed to be secretly shippy the way spock and jim were - riker is too overprotective for it to even be likened to a lover's realtionship. it also doesn't even really feel fatherly, like picard is stepping in for riker's shitheel of a dad. actually, riker almost acts like picard is HIS child. it is SOOO fucking unsexy and uncomfortable

physically grinding my teeth once picard DID show back up because with ANY other two characters this would have been fantastic. riker and worf. riker and deanna. riker and literally anyone because he has that kind of chemistry and down to clown attitude. even picard could have been ok paired with beverly or data or someone he actually works well with. it could have been ANYONE. even two people who don't talk to each other much like geordi and deanna or whatever. instead we got these like truly fantastic moments of noverbal communication and mutual scheming and pretending not to know each other while actually knowing each other sooo well and it was with the LEAST fun combination of characters out of the ENTIRE cast!!!!!!! augh

AND!!!! IT'S ALL FOR STUPID ARCHAEOLOGYYYY

PICARD GET A LIFE CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!!

it's not even that the writing was bad. i'm annoyed because the writing in this section was GOOD. but picard and riker's relationship is bad, so it soured the whole experience

anyway, i think riker should have battled his eyelashes at that wrinkled little alien when he wanted info from him. instead of whatever that was. also he was making REALLY good faces when they were torturing him with that neck thing and he was on the floor. that's a rage glare. a kill you look. mwah

oh side bar i physically could not look at geordi this episode. so that's been fun.

invasive procedures (ds9):

oh girl we are In It

firstly, odo's little bucket prison. that was SO sad because he doesn't goop in front of people. i felt horrible for him. my poor best friend odo

i really like how ambiguous it is like how much of jadzia dax is jadzia and how much is dax. does dax have his? her? their? own personality and all, or are they just the sum of their past hosts? when dax was inside that other guy, did part of them want to get out and go back to jadzia where they chose to be to begin with? to save jadzia's life? or do they not care? is dax themself not super sentient unless they're inside a host and then that host's personality is sort of dominant? so many questions.........trills are fascinating conceptually bc there's no clear definitive answers, so i was really dismayed that dax was easily the most boring character in season 1. but now!!!!!

ok, before we get into it, i have to say also, the cast rallying around dax/jadzia...really really good. actually, all their interactions with one another were spot on. bashir being SO NICEYS with odo's little bucket prison and then quark also springing odo from the bucket prison, bashir absolutely chomping at the BIT to treat o'brien's phaser wound, kira threatening quark on jadzia's behalf, quark tackling that klingon to save her/redeem himself. oh yeah and kira saying with her Whole chest that if odo's free there's no way any of the bad guys are escaping the station. my future otp......................

speaking of quark i did say the worst thing in the world to catherine while we were watching which is "this is what he sounds like when odo's plowing him" and the longer the noises went on the worse it became for her and the funnier it became for me. cathy when you read this you have my apologies

i did feel a little weird about julian stroking jadzia's face when she was naked and vulnerable recovering from worm surgery (the worm surgery was GREAT by the way) when she has explicitly and repeatedly turned him down in the past, but i'm giving it a reluctant benefit-of-the-doubt pass on account of he felt terrible about what he'd had to do and probably just wanted to comfort her, and considering the state she was in there weren't very many other ways/places to touch her except her head and maybe her hands. also i forgive him because him talking back to that klingon was sooo fun

i would have also liked for this episode to push on the insanity of being bonded to a symbiont and then being forcibly unbonded. like its just now striking me that curzon died alone. beverly's little trill boyfriend died alone. jadzia would have died alone, too. and the dax part just has to move on. like that's crazy. does dax grieve for past hosts? or would it be like grieving for yourself? what is it like seeing dax inside another body when they've been inside yours for almost your entire adult life?

but actually what i really wanted was to see this bad guy's insanity reflected in jadzia. instead of saying oh man i feel so alone she could have been like. more of a wreck. and conversely, he would have been that same kind of wreck after dax got taken back out of him. that would have been cool.

i would also like to know how the dax part felt about forcibly being put in another body they never wanted to be. are they fighting with themselves? himself? the host wants things to stay as they are but dax doesn't, so what happens? does it not feel like an awful violation? i could have used 5 more minutes of that episode

also. sorry. dax and sisko................"i wish we could have made it three" it's, sorry, toph and aang and korra core. do you think friendships can last more than one lifetime...........

icing on the cake was that he was so mad at the bad guy whose name i keep forgetting that he was like DONT CALL ME BENJAMIN and shot his ass stone cold. bc that was better than letting his friend be taken by this asshole lol

anyway, my final dax question is when does her hair get smaller. her head is such a weird shape. is she wearing a wig, is that's what's happening? and the rest of her head just looks weirdly big because of it? it's making me crazy.

NEXT TIME: tng's "gambit part ii" and ds9's "cardassians" AND I LOOKED IT UP AND GARAK IS FINALLY BACK!!!!!!! i can't wait....................

[olderthannetfic]

I keep wanting to write Star Trek: TNG fanfic. Of course, my silly little brain made me mainly ship rarepairs whom barely anyone seems to want to read (Data/Borg Queen and Data/Reginald Barclay and their mirror versions) and has been hard to find fanfic to read for because there are so few around (or at least I've only found few).

I'm so scared of even attempting to write Star Trek fic because I always aim to write as plausibly-canon-relatedly as possible because I love reading in-character stuff too, and "write what you want to read" etc. yada yada... I have only watched TNG in my language which is not English, but do want to write in English, but of course I barely know any Trek-ish terms in English and currently don't have the time to re-bingewatch all of TNG to find out the terminology in English.

Also been thinking about writing RPF of the actors in their acting, but at the same time, I'm unwilling to really think about doing that because it feels too closely related to reality (as in it being based on my interpretations of the body language of the characters they were portraying at that time, if that makes sense), although their chemistry and little looks made me ship the characters more in the first place... (says someone who used to write brother incest RPF of two guys years ago without batting an eye because I'm well aware that fiction isn't reality and that the real people aren't even remotely related or similar to the people in the piece of fiction lmao)

Eh, guess I'm just overthinking.

Have you or your readers ever been wary or scared of walking into and writing fics for a well-established "old-ish" fandom?

--

At least with Star Trek, you have like 45245241 wikis where the canon purists have detailed every technical term the franchise ever came up with.

[spartanguard]

imzadi

Summary: Lt. Commander Emma Swan and Commander Killian Jones, both of the USS Misthaven, have been having secret rendezvous for the past few years. Not just lovers, they're imzadi—not quite soulmates, but not far from that either. Maybe someday they'll reveal the depth of their feelings for one another. But today, they're just going to have another secret meeting, like they always do. (A CS Star Trek: TNG AU)

A/N: It's time for my annual self-indulgent birthday fic! This Star Trek AU (based on Riker & Troi) has been in the works for YEARS but I finally got it done in the last couple of days. For those familiar with Star Trek canon, I take some liberties for the purposes of telling this story, but I tried to stay true to the mythos. Thanks to @optomisticgirl​ for the quick beta!!! Enjoy!

rated M | 5.1 k words | AO3

“Dismissed, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, Captain.”

Lt. Commander Emma Swan, security chief of the USS Misthaven, nodded at her captain’s order and exited the bridge. She was off duty for the next 12 hours and knew exactly how she planned on spending the majority of them—assuming the person she was hoping to spend them with was also amenable to that plan. And she had a feeling he would be. (He always was, at least.)

She entered the vacant turbolift and gave the verbal command to the crew quarters’ level; she knew he’d be easy to convince, but she had to find him first.

The lift stopped before reaching her destination, and the door opened to let another passenger on board—and there he was: Commander Killian Jones, first officer of the ship, and brother of the captain. Half Betazoid, half human; completely attractive—and completely aware of it. There was no way the disheveled style of his dark hair or the length of his gingery scruff were up to Starfleet code, and honestly, no one should look as good as he did in his teal and black uniform—all lean muscle and swagger. It was infuriating. 

And it would probably bother her more if she wasn’t aware of the fact that he could back it up, and all too well. 

“Swan,” he greeted as he boarded the lift, stopping in front of her. 

“Jones,” she answered, looking him right in the eye. Honestly, those were her favorite of his features, even more than his elf-like ears and incredible backside. Betazoid people naturally had black irises, but he’d inherited some incredible blue ones from his human mother that were complemented even more by the color of his uniform. It sounded cliche, but the best way she could describe them was as the color of the sea—and like the sea, they changed.

They were a clear, bright blue when he was happy; a cool blue-gray when he was distressed; and when he was experiencing a very strong emotion, either his own or someone else’s, they disappeared into the black of his pupils. Being half-Betazoid meant Killian was an empath: not only extra attuned to emotions of those around him, but also well aware of his own, and it showed, if you knew what to look for.

And right now, as she stared up at him, with him intently gazing back, she smirked watching them shift from bright aqua to black as night. She loved watching the effect of her own arousal on him.

Thankfully, the door closed behind him at just the right time, and he promptly invaded her space, hand and prosthetic hook coming to rest on her hips while his forehead touched hers. He closed his eyes and in a raspy voice asked, “Swan, what are you doing tonight?”

Her hands came to rest on his shoulders and she gently arched her pelvis forward, just grazing his, but it was enough to draw a stifled moan from him. “You,” she whispered.

His eyes opened and he gave her a wicked, sideways grin in response, cutting a dimple into that scruff and somehow raising the temperature in the lift...or maybe that was just her. 

She couldn’t resist; she fisted his uniform in her hands and pulled him to her, finding his lips with hers in a searing kiss. Their mouths battled for dominance as their tongues danced, and her thick uniform had never felt so stifling. 

Honestly, it reminded her of their first encounter, when they were on an away mission on the jungle planet of Neverland. Back then, days of tension had finally erupted in a combined moment of bliss in the humid, dense foliage, and the rest was history—for a few years now. 

Before things went past the point of no return, Emma pulled back; they both needed to calm down before they left the lift, even if the sound of his ragged breathing only made her want to jump him sooner. 

“Wait 5 minutes; go check on engineering or something,” she breathed, forcing herself to take a step back when the computer’s voice announced their arrival on her floor. 

“As you wish,” he murmured, stepping out of her way as she exited. She paused just outside the doors, attempting to calm her racing heart before heading down the corridor, but glanced back at Killian over her shoulder. As the doors shut, she saw him lean against the back of the lift with his fingers pressed to his lips, looking absolutely fuckstruck. 

Coolly (at least, as much as she was able to), she headed down the hall to her quarters; she loved that she could render such a cocky, confident man, who had a quip or innuendo for everything, completely speechless. 

Once inside her room, she kicked off her shoes and sighed as she undid the zipper at her collar, able to breathe a bit easier now that she had some privacy. She tugged it down a little further, too, just into the red panel on her uniform, allowing the air to cool her flushed chest, but still to a modest level. Honestly, she’d been planning this encounter all day—she had to leave some surprises for later.

She did a quick look around to make sure things were tidy before Killian arrived, but she didn’t really have much to create a mess; that tended to happen when you grew up an orphan and joined Starfleet as soon as you aged out of the foster system. But she tossed yesterday’s underwear in the laundry compartment and folded her baby blanket up, setting it on the recliner just as a knock rapped against the door. God, he was so old-fashioned.

She made the few strides needed to cross her narrow living space, pressed the button that slid the doors open, and there he was, back to looking prim and proper as if he hadn’t been absolutely wrecked just a few minutes ago. Things must have been much calmer wherever he’d gone, but not enough for his eyes to revert to blue. 

“You requested a report on the status in engineering?” he began with a smirk. She hated that they had to use stuff like this as a cover for their nighttime activities, but damn if he didn’t sell it.

“I did. Come in,” she answered authoritatively, stepping aside so he could enter. Once he was in the room, though, she closed the door as fast as possible.

Which was good, because a second later, she was pressed against it, with his mouth on hers once more and their bodies aligned from chest to hips. His hand found its way to the elastic around her blonde ponytail, dug a finger under it, and pulled, letting her hair fall free over her shoulder. 

Then his lips wandered, down her chin to the sensitive spot below her ear, stopping briefly to suck at it just enough to make her squirm; when her groin inevitably brushed against his as she writhed, she could feel his erection through his uniform and she really wished he’d hurry up on this, but she could always tell when he had a plan.

His left arm wrapped around her waist, keeping her held in place against him, as his hand drew a heated path up her side, over the swell of her bosom, to where her uniform was partially unfastened. He kissed his way down her neck and then began to pull the zipper down, pressing his lips against her collarbone as it became exposed, and then down her chest to where sweat was beginning to pool between her breasts. She thought—or hoped, rather—that he might get distracted there, but still he went down, over her abs until the zipper stopped, just below her belly button, pressing one last kiss on her skin there before rising back up.

As he stood, the back of his hand drifted up her stomach, oddly sending a chill down her spine and she pressed herself closer to him. Despite what was going on in his pants, his face seemed relaxed and calm as he set about his business. Carefully, he slid his hand and hook under her uniform and over her shoulders, and pressed the material off of her, gliding down her arms until it fell off her wrists, leaving her almost bare from the waist up.

His eyes perused her form for a moment, and he smirked. “I could be wrong, but I don’t really think black lace undergarments are quite up to Starfleet regulation,” he jokingly chastised as he ran his palm over the soft material covering her breasts, brushing over her hardening nipple with his thumb.

“Are you complaining?” she threw back, coquettishly. “I mean, I can find something more suitable, if you think I should,” she went on, making as if to walk over to her closet.

He gripped her waist, though, before she could get away. “I certainly wasn’t protesting,” he clarified, voice dropping an octave. As he stood there holding her in his arms, a gentle smile softened his features, one that always made butterflies take up residence in her stomach. “My stunning imzadi,” he whispered.

There was that word again—imzadi. She had to look away, because the weight of his adoring gaze on hers, especially when he said that, was too much for her to bear. She’d never forget the first time he’d called her that—it was after their shared tryst on Neverland, as their bodies cooled next to a dazzling pool of clear water. He’d said it just as reverently back then, too, and explained to her what it meant: it was a Betazoid term of endearment used to signify someone’s first. He didn’t really clarify first what, because she definitely didn’t take his virginity, but she had to admit that she’d never quite connected with someone the way she did with Killian; they’d both been abandoned young and had to fight to get to where they were today.

Maybe that was why they clashed so much—they were too similar for their own good sometimes. But that meant it was even sweeter when they came together, physically or otherwise. Truthfully, she knew she was falling for Killian in a way that she’d sworn she never would, but he’d somehow managed to slip through the few cracks in her emotional walls and was slowly breaking them down, piece by piece. 

He wasn’t quite through yet, though, and she didn’t want to let him know just how far he was until she was sure he wouldn’t break her heart like others had in the past. But every time he uttered imzadi, and every time he looked at her in a way that made her feel beautiful like no one ever had before, she found herself inching closer to that point....someday. For now, though, what they had was perfect.

She attempted to tamp down that warm, fuzzy feeling that wrapped around her heart whenever he wrapped his arms around her, but it was getting harder and harder to do. She just hoped he hadn't picked up on that emotion yet, and thankfully, he hadn’t given any indication that he had. 

Besides, she could tell that something else was getting hard. When she finally dared to look up at him, his gaze had switched back to lascivious and she could feel his firm length pressing low on her abdomen. 

“Are you just gonna stare, or are we gonna do something about this?” she asked, turning on the charm as she gripped his hips and tugged them towards her, earning a gasp from him; flirtation was typically the best way for her to move the subject matter back into her comfort zone.

“Bloody hell,” he exclaimed at the move, throwing his head back and exposing the cords of his neck. She wanted to suck at the little constellation of freckles that ran down it, but they still had far too much clothing on for what she had in mind.

Lightly gripping his wrists where they rested on her waist, she slid his hand and hook down, taking the rest of her jumpsuit with them as they followed the curve of her hips until the uniform fell in a heap at her feet. His grip landed on her rear, palming the black lace she wore there as well. 

Carefully keeping their abdomens in line, she stepped out of the crumpled clothing and shuffled them a couple steps closer to her bed. 

She couldn’t resist—she went ahead and placed a few pecks on the marks on his neck, smiling at the feel of his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. Then she rose onto her bare toes and whispered in his ear, “My turn.”

Bless whoever designed these uniforms, she thought, because whenever she got to take Killian’s off of him, it was like discovering a goddamn treasure. She trailed her fingers down his neck to found the zipper tab on his collar, and started pulling, carefully and slowly. Each inch she opened revealed the thick thatch of hair that covered his firm chest, and she couldn’t wait to brush her fingers through it.

The hair tapered into a line that traveled down his strong core parallel with the zipper, leading to parts she couldn’t wait to unveil. But the zipper stopped before revealing those, and she involuntarily pouted at the interruption.

Killian gave a low chuckle at her expression, earning him a wry glare. She lightly shoved his pecs with both hands in response, but left them there, scratching her fingers through his chest hair and drawing a moan from him, this time closing his eyes and letting his head fall back. Part of her could have just stared at him like that, with his long lashes laying against his cheeks and his perfect profile highlighted by the dim lights of her room, but a more convincing part—and an increasingly wetter part—pushed her to keep going. 

Her fingers dragged up his pecs, tracing the dips of his collarbones, before slipping under the edge of his uniform and sliding the top down his arms, squeezing his perfect biceps as she trailed down to his wrists—but being careful of the hardware around his hook as she guided the garment off. 

The top now hung off his trim waist, giving her an unhindered view of his entire upper body. No matter how many times she’d seen it, she was always distracted by it: how a body could be so welcoming but also so exciting, as written by the gentle ripples of his understated, but still firm, muscles—just defined enough to let you know they were there but not enough to be uncomfortable.

That was a perfect description for their relationship, if it had to have that label: it was vague but it meant that they both felt safe with it; and they’d both been burned enough in the past that it was one of the key things that brought them together. She trusted him; she felt comfortable with him; she...well, she knew the word she wanted to use, but she didn’t dare to yet.

Lust, though...that word certainly fit, and described the overwhelming emotion that took over as she followed his treasure trail down until it disappeared in the bunched-up fabric sitting below his navel. Her patience was running out, so she grabbed his waist to pull him closer and then let her fingertips dip under the edge of his uniform.

But she scoffed as she slid them around him, pushing the garment over his ridiculous, perfect, firm ass. “Y’know, it’s awfully bold of you to critique my underwear as not being proper when you’re not wearing any at all,” she teasingly admonished as she freed his erection. 

“Are you complaining?” he parroted with a smirk. 

“Nope,” she answered, letting the rest of his uniform fall to the floor around his feet. 

She took a second to glance at his strong thighs, but was more eager to straddle them, so she pressed herself back against him and started to guide them yet closer to her bed. She may have been too eager, though—understandable, given the way his cock was pressed against her stomach—but in her haste to get him horizontal, she failed to give him a chance to step out of the uniform sitting in a heap at his feet.

As such, they barely took two steps before falling comically onto her mattress, him wrapping his arms around her waist and her with her hands pressed to his chest.

“Shit,” she cursed. “You okay?”

“‘M fine,” he said in a strained voice. “Just—let me catch my breath, before we move onto more…enjoyable activities.”

She sat back and he shifted under her, better positioning himself on her bed. As soon as he was fully on the bunk, she shifted forward again, perching herself on his lap and suppressing the urge to grind against his groin—especially knowing how much the lace of her underwear would drive him crazy.

His hand settled on her own leg and slid up until it settled at her waist. For a minute, she continued to admire him again—watching the way the muscles of his chest and stomach moved as he breathed, quickly at first and eventually evening out—until he squeezed her side. 

“Now where were we?” he finally asked, voice low and husky as he peered up at her from her pillow. It was probably just the low light, but his eyes somehow seemed even darker. 

“Mmm, somewhere about…here?” she replied as she shifted forward, now taking the time to press her core against his—and grinning at the groan she pulled from him in the process.

“You bloody minx,” he purred as she hovered above him, placing her hands on either side of his shoulders. “You take pleasure in torturing me?”

“You know I do,” she tossed back; they were both fully aware he could sense her amusement.

“And here I thought this was a social call. May as well send me to the brig if all you’re going to do is punish me.”

“Not tonight.” (Though she did have a pair of handcuffs somewhere.) “I’d rather not deal with the subsequent officer’s report.”

His hand slid around to her back and he pressed her against him. She sucked in a breath at the slight friction of her lace bra against her nipples. “That would be an awful waste of time. And so is this conversation.” And then he silenced her with his lips atop hers. 

Barely-clothed make outs were nothing new for them, but Emma never tired of the way they gradually keyed each other up as their own personal arousals increased and fed off the other; the way Killian moaned and whimpered as she pressed her hips against his only furthered it. 

At some point, his hand found its way to the clasp of her bra, and in a well-practiced motion, he undid it, then kissed his way down her left shoulder while sliding the strap down. She hated to put any distance between them when they were in the thick of things, but raised herself a few inches—just enough to get the garment off and toss it aside. 

She was about to lean back in when the world suddenly spun around on her; when it settled, she was on her back on the other side of the bed, and Killian was hovering above her, smugly. “You know, Swan, I’ve had a craving the last few days that no replicator could ever hope to supply,” he murmured. 

“Oh yeah? What’s that?”

He moved so his mouth was near her ear and, much like she had earlier, whispered, “You.” His hot breath on her overheated skin made her tingle with delight; Killian’s subsequent shiver told him he felt it, too. 

Like he did earlier, he worked his way down her abdomen, placing kisses as he went (and spending no short amount of time caressing her bosom with both hand and mouth). But when he got to her hips, he gestured for her to raise them. She complied, and he gently—almost reverently—placed hook and fingers under the waistband of her panties and guided them down, like he was carefully unwrapping a gift (which, given his previous confession, he probably was).

Ever the romantic, he even pressed a kiss to her ankle as he pulled the lace undergarment completely off. (She’d chastise him later for chucking it over by his scrunched-up uniform.) And then his hungry eyes held hers as he lowered himself off the end of the bed, back down over her sex. 

He breathed on her, and she shivered—both at the hot air and in anticipation. Even he had to close his eyes and take a moment before doing anything else; her own arousal was clearly affecting him. (And she loved it.)

(Yes, she was capable of using that word. Just not in all contexts.)

He gave an initial lick at her folds, making her toes curl. Then he went back in with his talented tongue and started to slowly work her up, and she gave herself over to bliss as he went. 

Every move he made brought her more and more pleasure. Emma was no stranger to flings and one-night stands, but none of them were ever as giving of lovers as Killian, and she made sure she repaid it in kind. 

Not just yet, though—actually, they needed to slow down. Because the closer she got to her peak, the closer he did, too; that was something they’d figured out long ago. (But again—it was nice knowing that the quickest way for your lover to come was to make you come, too; more than she could say for quite a few other people now in command across the fleet.) 

As her heart rate picked up and breathing grew deeper, she could feel him begin to stutter in his movements as his own climax drew near. 

It almost pained her to do, but this was a marathon, not a race; she needed him to last all night. “Hey,” she said, and propped herself up on her elbows enough to pull her sex away from his face. His eyes were closed, but he was pouting. She sat up enough to reach down and run her fingers through his hair, which had fallen across his forehead. “Together?”

He blinked his eyes open and had a soft look, despite what they were in the middle of. “Aye, together,” he answered, and crawled back above her. 

They were familiar enough with each other’s bodies that it didn’t take much effort for him to find her entrance and press his length in, and she knew just what angle to prop her hips at to make it effortless. 

His hand again found her hip as they both reveled a moment in the feeling of being joined. She wasn’t sure she’d ever admit it, but those were the moments when she truly understood the whole imzadi thing—regardless of their physical position, she’d never felt so connected, so in tune with Killian as she did then. And it was something more important to her than she cared to admit. 

The careful way Killian was placing kisses on her jaw suggested he felt similarly; those were the times when she wished she was as aware of his emotions as he was of hers, but at least he was far more communicative when it came to those things than she was. (She’d never asked, but she often wondered if part of being empathic was wearing your own heart on your uniform sleeve.)

Her thought process was taking her down a path she wasn’t ready to go down yet, and she shifted—not uncomfortably, but just to create some friction (more physical than emotional but that was just as likely). He got the hint—not that he really needed it—and began to move. 

The other perk of having a lover who was aware of every turn of your emotional state was that he was almost constantly aware of what she needed—one step ahead. They quickly found their rhythm, well-rehearsed at this point, but she didn’t need to tell him when to go harder or softer or change his angle—he just knew. (For her part, she’d learned to read his own body language and react accordingly; the last thing she wanted to be was a selfish lover.)

All too soon, she was approaching the edge of release again (not that she’d come very far down after their brief pause). Killian’s stilted movements echoed the same. “Come for me, love,” he murmured as he pressed in firmer; as divine as that felt, she was aching to fall. 

She met each of his own subsequent moves, tension rising, rising, rising, until finally—there; she came with a gasp, the waves of pleasure she’d been chasing finally crashing over her. 

And him—his own release was instantaneous, and their cries mingled in the quiet of her quarters (which, thankfully, were soundproof). She could feel him pulse inside her as she dug her heels into his lower back, mostly as an anchor, lest she float away in space as they succumbed to their shared bliss. 

Orgasms always seemed to last longer with Killian; even after he’d pulled out and set her down, they both were on a physical high for some time after, and lay there, wrapped around each other, until they came down. 

(She loved it. And that was all she’d say.)

Their breaths eventually evened out, in time with one another’s; she sometimes wondered if their hearts beat in syncopation, too, but figured that was just the hopeless romanticism of her best friend (and the ship’s counselor) Mary Margaret rubbing off on her. 

“I’d ask if that was good, but…” he started, but she could hear as much as see his smirk. 

“You know it was.” She slapped him playfully on his bare shoulder, but noticed that his eyes were starting to regain their blue color. “You know everything.”

“It’s nice to hear you finally admit it,” he teased. 

She just chuckled and curled into him a bit more. It was a little more lovey-dovey than she’d usually do, but…it was Killian. Loathe as she was to admit it, every one of their encounters like this let him more and more inside her walls; maybe not fully breaking them down, but giving him more and more access. 

And the fact that it was just between them helped. She was a pretty private person, especially with the role she held on the ship, and wasn’t ready for the world to start making any other sort of commentary or assumptions about her. She hadn’t even told Mary Margaret. (And god forbid the captain ever found out; Liam was known for running a tight ship and she could only imagine the reaction if he ever found out two of his senior officers, one of them being his brother, were sleeping together.)

“What are you thinking, love?” he asked softly. “I can read your emotions, not your thoughts; but something is on your mind.”

“Yeah,” she started. “How do you manage to keep this,” she gestured across the minimal space between them, “away from your brother? Especially with your whole telepathy thing?” Betazoids as a species were telepathic; the fact that the Jones brothers had a human mother hadn’t changed that, but limited their abilities to only communicating with others of Betazoid descent.

“I don’t,” he answered casually.

“You what?” she whisper-yelled.

He shrugged. “I couldn’t hope to keep this out of my thoughts, Swan.”

“Killian—he’s my commanding officer!”

“Aye; mine, too. And he doesn’t care.”

“He doesn’t?”

“No. He says he much prefers this than the alternative, which is us constantly being at the other’s throat.” She blushed at that, because it was true—prior to their first coming together, they fought incessantly (which, looking back, was probably due to the attraction they’d both been denying). 

“Okay, but you don’t tell him all the details, do you?”

“Of course not; you know I don’t kiss and tell. But I rarely have to; he says you’re usually fairly happy after the fact.”

“Oh my god,” she complained, burying her face in her hands. “I might as well write ‘I just had sex’ on my uniform.”

He laughed—that deep, low thing she loved, reverberating across his chest as he pulled her towards him. “You’re not denying the happy part.”

“We both know that’d be a lie.”

“Mm, true,” he agreed, and pressed a kiss against her temple.

She had planned on going in for round two, but fatigue was gradually taking over, paired with the sense of safety she only felt when she was in his arms.

He wasn’t going anywhere, she knew; they could do more later. So for now, she’d rest, close to the one person who meant more to her than anyone else.

(That much she could admit.)

*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*

Killian loved these nights with Emma. He loved the way she’d seek him out, teasing him as soon as she found him. He loved the bit of subterfuge they had to perform to cover for their meetings. He loved the way they came together so perfectly.

He loved her—his darling imzadi. He knew the title weighed heavy on her at times, but she’d never tried to reject it; in the time since it’d been bestowed on her, she seemed to appreciate it more and more, even returning it.

They’d never discussed anything deeper about their relationship—it definitely was one, of a sort, but they both had baggage that made them hesitate. He’d never said out loud the extent of his feelings, but had a sense she was aware and was stubbornly ignoring it—both his and her own.

The perk of being an empath was being able to read her easily; but it was both a blessing and a curse at times, too. Because in these quiet, shared moments, he could sense the way she felt about him—and she loved him just as deeply as he loved her.

Knowing that was enough for him, for now; maybe someday, they’d finally be able to say the words aloud to each other. Just not yet.

Until then, he was content to hold her close and be at her side, like they were now. As she drifted off to sleep, he pressed a gentle kiss to her lips, hoping that expressed everything he felt. Her lips curled into a smile; his did the same, and he let sleep claim him as well—while also plotting a way to escape from her quarters in the morning unseen.

*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*

thanks for reading! tagging some peeps: @kat2609 @xpumpkindumplingx @shipsxahoy @shireness-says @ohmightydevviepuu @wistfulcynic  @phiralovesloki @thisonesatellite @iverna  @mryddinwilt @cocohook38 @annytecture  @wingedlioness @word-bug  @distant-rose @wellhellotragic @welllpthisishappening @let-it-raines @pirateherokillian @its-imperator-furiosa-default  @killianmesmalls @thejollyroger-writer @ineffablecolors @laschatzi @ive-always-been-a-pirate @nfbagelperson @stubblesandwich  @athenascarlet @kmomof4 @ilovemesomekillianjones @whimsicallyenchantedrose @snowbellewells @idristardis @scientificapricot @searchingwardrobes​ @donteattheappleshook​ @jrob64​ @the-darkdragonfly​ @itsfabianadocarmo @stahlop​ @klynn-stormz​ @resident-of-storybrooke​ @deckerstarblanche​

[dramatic-dolphin]

Back when we both lived with our parents, my brother would watch TNG every Saturday morning. I'd wake up and the first thing I'd hear was the dulcet tones of Captain Jean-Luc Picard wafting in from the next room.

One time, I figured I was having a very realistic dream of lying half awake in my bed with TNG coming in from the next room. Because surely, I thought, there is no way the dialogue I was hearing could be real.

Because it was complete gibberish like "Darmok and Jalaad at Tanagra".

SHAKA WHEN THE WALLS FELL!

lmaooo yeah that DOES sound like something you would hear half-asleep and think you were dreaming

[shebeafancyflapjack]

Last Days

(Some entries from my oc Silver's "Book of Shadows" / diary, leading up to her death. The photo is of my actual doggo who passed away eight years ago. 🥺🥹).

'

24th June 2003

Confidence Spell

In a cleansed space, dress a small orange candle with oil and coat with mixed herbs, most notably rosemary, chamomile and lavender. State your intention before lighting the match. Sit and watch in a comfortable position while visualising the light glowing within yourself.

I did it.

I told them.

The spell worked, it gave me the courage to stand in front of them and finally come out. In hindsight I should have remembered to cast a ward of protection around myself for the aftermath. But Derek at the shop told me that focusing too much on protection magic can actually attract harmful energies. And, to be honest, a part of me wanted the drama. I wanted my family to give a shit, even if it was thrown in my face. Wow, gross imagery there, Silver.

I suppose it went better then some. Reading posts on some gay and lesbian forums, some folks have it a lot worse, especially over in America. This one girl's dad was a pastor (I think that's like a Vicar? We only ever called them that around my town). When she came out to him, he had her sent to some preachy conversion therapy camp and she ended up having to run away to live with her cousin, now her immediate family act like she's dead. Yikes. I didn't get it that bad.

My sister rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Sure you are. You're totally not just doing this for attention, like the witchy thing." And my brother was cringing like I'd tried to flash him or something. "How do you even know? You've not even had that many boyfriends!" Ugh! What the fuck?! What kind of older brother wants his sister to sleep around more than dudes until she "can be certain"? I've had enough experience as I need, bruv! Think he just feels weird now as I've probably ruined all that lesbian p*rn I know he's into after that time I used the computer after him and he forgot to delete his history.

And Mum? Well.

She cried. She didn't wail or scream or anything but if was kinda like the cry of a little kid who got told they weren't allowed to get some Pik n Mix at Woolies. I asked if she was angry and she just threw her hands up and said she was disappointed I wouldn't "at the least" give her grandkids. Then she stormed outside to smoke with my sister.

I felt so cold and numb afterwards. What did that even mean? How would being gay mean I can't be a mum? We've all watched Friends, we saw Ross' ex Carol be a mum, Susan was his adoptive mum, that could happen to me. Or I could adopt. Fuck, I want to be a mum, someday...way, way, way off. And anyway, she has a grandkid! I'm surprised my brother didn’t pipe up to remind her of that. It was just me and him left in the room and it was awkward as fuck. Bri and I have butted heads but I'm closer with him than Lisa, which is not saying much. Think my confession ruined whatever little sibling bond was there.

Shit, I wish Dad had been there. He'd have been cool with it. He'd have been so proud of me for being brave enough to tell them all and he'd have given me one of his epic bear hugs.

Except that's a lie.

According to Brian, anyway. When I mentioned Dad to him, he scoffed and said "You're joking, right? Dad was homophobic as shit. This the guy who refuses to watch Star Trek TNG because a 'poofta' was the Captain."

That hurt worse than any reaction the others had to my coming out. At first I hoped he was just saying it to get a rise out of me or just to be a dick. But the more I looked back through my hazy memories, I can recall those tiny little bigoted comments which as a kid you just don't care about. Because they didn't matter to me back then. All I cared about was that Dad was fun, that he spoiled me rotten, that he'd take me to McDonalds whenever I asked and to the cinema and Stone Henge.

I needed some air after that. Jess always provided an easy excuse to go for a walk around the fields to clear my head. While she bounded off after squirrels once I let her off lead, I sat under a tree and cried my fucking eyes out. Not for the reactions of those I got, but for the one I would never get.

Those breathing exercises Derek showed me helped a lot. The throbbing in my head died down a little. Chanting the names of the Goddess while I tried to focus on letting go of that useless worry over a dead parent's opinion of me.

It sounds awful but, given how many father-daughter relationships I've seen break down when girls reach their teens, maybe I was lucky to lose my dad as young as I was before he could truly disappoint me.

But either way, I did it. I'm now and out and proud gay (or bi, I'm not 100%, just definitely not straight) witch. Love me or leave me.

So mote it fucking be.

31st October 2003

And the fires shall burn, and the wheel of life shall turn, and the dead come back home on Samhain!

Happy Halloween!

As it's the Wiccan New Year, I guess I should make a resolution? I resolve to start living my damn life.

Ever since I dropped out of college, it's like I've been drifting through life. The few jobs I've had haven't gone anywhere and I just don't know what to do with myself. Actually, no, I fantasise about the life I want all the time.

A cottage in the woods. I wanna wake up and breathe in nature every morning. I want my own garden where I can grow fruit and veg and herbs for my spells. I want to be able to sit and read my fantasy books in the sunshine for hours in peace. Obviously Jess will come with me, I'm pretty much the only one who walks and takes care of her, she's my bestest girl. And I'll adopt three or five more dogs. Maybe a couple of chill cats. It would be so cool if I could tame a fox like that woman who was on This Morning the other days. Foxes are basically cats inside little dog shells, they're so cool. And I want a wife...I think. Part of me would be happy living alone with nature and pets but then I get this niggle of desire for someone to wake up with and appreciate all that beautiful stuff with me every day.

But that life is just not gonna happen unless I find a way to make a shit ton of money to move out of my town and set up somewhere in the West Country or Surrey or Kent etc. For now I'm trapped in this tiny shitty town in the arse-end of Essex with almost no bus routes. Driving lessons have all ended in disaster, fucking dyspraxia I'm blaming you.

Gods, please, if you're going to trap me anywhere for the rest of my existence can it at least be somewhere better than this?!

What few friends I had have all gone off to Uni or abroad. One girl even asked if I wanted to go to Australia with her but the idea of working in a bar gives me chest pains. Plus the spiders! Sorry, little dudes, I love and respect you but I can't help but get the creeps! I keep up with what they're doing on MySpace and MSN but a lot of it depresses me to realise how stagnant my life is. Not only am I trapped but I'm also lonely as shit.

LOL. Jess just rested her head on my knee as I wrote that and gave me the biggest saddest labradoodle eyes. Of course I'm not totally alone, I've got my bestest girl. And my deities. Enough to keep me sane.

Speaking of mental health, gotta remember to make an appointment with my GP about these headaches. Mum blames the incense and reckons I'm dehydrated. Says the woman who smokes like a chimney and needs a glass of wine a day to get through the week.

Doing my Samhain rite later but first gonna take Scarlet out trick or treating. Her little witchy costume is so cute! I know the whole hat and warty nose stereotype is offensive to Wiccan culture but OMG she is adorbubble with her little plastic cauldron! Can't believe she's nearly three, she's growing up so fast. Even if I never get to be the cottage core mum I dream of, I can be the awesome witchy aunt.

11th March 2004

A spell to attract friendship

Cleanse an empty bottle with incense. Fill with pink or white salt to protect from toxic relationships, cloves for friendship, cinnamon for happiness, lavender for calm, rose quartz and amethyst for healthy friendship, sugar for sweetness, a dandelion for loyalty, seal with yellow wax, carry in purse or pocket often - remember you need to leave your room to find those friends you seek.

I might have just discovered something really cool!

We're staying at my great uncle's house in Surrey for a couple of weeks to help him out while he's not well. Uncle Bob's always been a cool old dude, I wish he'd lived closer when I was growing up. Anyway he knows how into the supernatural I am and started telling me legends of this really old house literally just a twenty minute walk from where we're staying.

And when I say old I mean OLD. Like Henry VIII old, if not before that! He even has this book telling the history of it. Apparently the rich lady who lives there used to host tours but she's getting too old to do it now and has mostly become a recluse. There's all sorts of shit that went down in that house, some Tory prick who died in a sex scandal, ROFL, it was used for all sorts of soldier stuff during WWII, a bunch of rich folk whose names I still see dotted around the village lived there. Even before there was a house there were settlements were there were plague outbreaks and witch trials. Actual fucking WITCH TRIALS! I always wanted to visit Salem but screw it I got some history on my doorstep now.

And theres all sorts of ghost stories! Some dude who tried to kill Queen Elizabeth I got his head chopped odd and rumour is his headless body can be seen wandering the grounds. There's this famous 'Grey Lady' ghost who falls out the window screaming in the middle of the night. Some freaky creature like a wannabe Bigfoot roaming the woods.

I gotta go there. Sounds like it's buzzing with untapped magical energy. Just looking at the photo of the building, I feel like it's calling to me.

Honestly one of the coolest bits of history was there was said to be a stone circle which the house now stands on. Don't think I can get myself in there, even if I ask the old posh woman really really nicely. But there should be enough power around the site for me to call to.

Screw it. I'm sick of trying to find my own coven to do shit like this. I did a quick scope of the place while walking Jess and it doesn't look like she has much in the way of security. There's not even that high a fence around the wood. I can jump over that easy enough.

Gotta take the opportunity while I'm here. Uncle Bob might be being moved into residential care so chances of us coming back to this part of the county is slim.

Still got those mushrooms Derek's nephew gave me. Been really hesitant about taking them, I don't like doing drugs more than a little bit of weed and even that ends up making me paranoid and thinking the world hates me.

But he swore that if I wanted to properly see the gods, they were the best tool.

So tonight, I'm gonna sneak out and make my way up there, set up an altar and ground myself. It's gonna be like taking a bubble bath in pure magick! I got all that history and ancient energy as well as the full moon. Helped bake some cakes for Uncle Bob earlier and gonna take a few crumbs of the leftovers as offerings. Pan especially has such a sweet tooth.

This is the night I'm gonna take my life into my hands and summon everything I want. Love, friendship, freedom, excitement....oh and mustn't forget healing for these stupid migraines.

Jess keeps staring at me from the foot of my bed, whimpering for attention. Maybe she wants to play fetch. Maybe she wants to come with me. Should I take her? Hekate likes dogs so she might appreciate her there. And I am going into the dark woods all on my own. A lot of scary stuff has happened to young girls and women on the news lately. But they were children, I'm twenty next year! If I take Jess with me and she starts barking, it might wake the Button lady or her neighbours.

No, babygirl, best you stay here. It's gonna be boring for you watching me do my ritual high as a kite while I tie you to a tree. Once I'm back I'll sneak you up some chicken from the fridge.

It can be our little secret. ;) and I'll do a spell to make sure my best girl has plenty more years of treats and belly rubs to come.

So mote it fucking be.

[beatriceeagle]

For the get to know the vidder ask game:

Hardest vid to edit?

When and why did you get started?

Bonus kuwdora questions:

Does the music you use for fanvids overlap with the music you listen to casually? Why or why not?

Is there a vid that you have watched/rewatched that has inspired you or informed the way you make vids?

Hardest vid to edit?

Every vid is hard to edit in its own way :) I feel like the effects-heavy vids or the comics vids that require endless preprocessing always stick out in my mind, but at the moment I think my answer is "A Kind of Brother," my Critical Role Beau + Caleb vid. The actual process of putting the vid together wasn't that hard, but I worked and reworked it a lot to make a vid work that was 90% the same two people in the same static shot. (There was also a lot of boring technical work that went into making that same static shot not look like it was jumping around the screen, since the camera and players aren't exactly in the same spot between episodes.)

Why and when did you get started?

I've always loved fanvids, and I'd had fanvid ideas for years and years, and even tried to make a few, but never got very far, mostly because of the technical barrier. Then, in 2016, two things happened at the same time: I got Camtasia on my computer for work, and I got extremely into a web series (Lovely Little Losers) that was freely available on YouTube. The combination of having software readily available that I knew how to use and having ideas for a source that was very easy to procure made vidding a lot more achievable for me, and so I made my first vid! Later I started making my own web series, which meant that I got better editing software and learned a lot about the technical side of things, so the entire process started to feel a lot less overwhelming, and that's when I started vidding in earnest.

Does the music you use for fanvids overlap with the music you listen to casually? Why or why not?

Sometimes but not always. My most used artists are Kesha, Taylor Swift, Metric, and Arcade Fire, and I do listen to those people casually, and often get ideas for vids from songs that I've heard a lot. But sometimes I have a source or vid that I want to make, and I go in search of a song for it, which usually results in a vid to a song I would probably never listen to independently. See the above Critical Role vid—that came from a long and exhaustive search for a song that captured the extremely specific dynamic that Beau and Caleb have with each other. I eventually settled on "Blood Brothers" by The Tyde, a song and band I'd never heard of before. I think it's a good song, and I listen to it casually now (because it's on my Beau & Caleb playlist) but I've checked out the band's other music and it mostly doesn't click for me.

Is there a vid that you have watched/rewatched that has inspired you or informed the way you make vids?

So, so many. Raven's TNG/DS9 vid "disappear" was hugely influential when I first started vidding in earnest, and really helped to shape my idea of the kind of vidder that I wanted to be. "Women's Work" by luminosity and sisabet was one of the first vids I ever saw, and gave me the idea of fanvids as critical essays that can say something about their sources. @monkeyswithjetpacks' "The Ballad of Wesley Crusher" is a tour de force of side character study, and I basically outright stole the sequence of Wesley looking at the different view screens from behind for my Good Place vid. Bironic's "Starships" introduced me to the concept of massively multifandom vids (and her notes helped me figure out that adjusting the speed of certain clips might make my vids flow better). "Gasoline" by garrideb was my introduction to comics vidding, and I'm still trying to capture the fluidity she gives to the medium in it. I probably watch "Seven Years" by CherryIce every other month, both because it's gorgeous and I love it, and because I want to figure out how she did it so that I can do it myself. I'm probably forgetting a dozen more.

[littlewalken]

mar 5

For those who don't know the whole star Trek TNG Brothers thing it's roughly that this guy Brent Spiner-

(The one on the right is part of the Accidental Renaissance Pictures thing if you don't watch Trek) Was also playing this guy in the episode-

And it was sort of kind of maybe we can keep it a secret from the viewing audience as long as possible for funsies sort of thing.

And for the record this is how Brent Spiner actually aged-

Seeing more lady b*ners before lunch than some people have had hot dinners.

Because like with Alexander Siddig and his aged make-up, there was no way for Michael Westmore to know that becoming a silver fox would somehow make them even hotter.

And all of this has me telling myself to keep the plot complication based on not knowing who it is under the make-up going for a bit longer in my Hollywood story.

Last chance to read it in it's current state before I get out the hard copy and start making notes and stripping it down to its bare bones for a complete rewrite.

And I found the paper bead maker so I will then be able to cut all 250+ pages in to triangular strips and make however many cone shaped beads out of it.

But let's give that the rest of the year and know I will not delete the previous version until a newer one is typed in to the puter. Or the previous file gets something like 2023/old version so I know which ever one is the latest is the one to go with.

Something something the first few Gashir episodes, ponder if it was until The Wire or not, Sid-

Had no idea what Andy (Garak) looked like under his make-up.

So imagine flipping thru late night TV or something and suddenly you hear Garak's voice coming out of the Scorpio killer or the asshole of the week on 70s TV, extra points if you catch Dukat somewhere, and... Like hello, how many times might a young Sid have seen something like Hellraiser only to have it eventually click in his mind that's the bloke I just did one of the greatest of-course-it's-not-a-love-scene-they're-just-friends things to ever come out of television.

Even if you aren't a Star Trek or a sci fi person and just appreciated great acting the Star Trek DS9 episode The Wire is worth watching. No prior knowledge or back stories required.

[tuesdayisfordancing]

Preliminary thoughts on the second half of 3.4:

“Bob’s your uncle, Fanny’s your aunt” wtf Jack. Is this a thing people say. ETA: apparently people really do add “Fanny’s your aunt” on the end of “Bob’s your uncle”. THE MORE YOU KNOW

Oooh Jack looking at his mother while she talks about Deanna… All these ghosts that hovered around his childhood suddenly aren’t ghosts anymore!

No Raffi and… do I give a Bechdel point between Seven and the changeling? I’m gonna say no bc changeling gender unknown and also bc come the fuck on.

Sidney LaForge shoulda gotten to do more: my first thought is she should’ve been the one to think of throwing the asteroid at the ship, given that she excitedly talked about it when Vadic did it to them, but alternatively they could have also done a thing where ~oh~ people think she’s not a great pilot but when she follows her instincts in a situation with less fancy tools she’s magic! (aka give her Jack’s “wait 4 more seconds trust me” moment)

I care very much about Jack’s sad little face and his sad little cap at the bar and the feelings I am going to assume he has about Starfleet being a fucking. Simultaneous shadow over his whole life that’s the reason he doesn’t have a brother or a dad or stepdad and his mom doesn’t have friends and a bright shining thing that his mom and dad both talk about like it was something incredibly magical and that he doesn’t get to be a part of. BUT I do think all the reasons I brainstormed for Jack not wanting to meet Picard were less cliched and I’m going to continue to headcanon a whole bunch of factors. (Also it’s very hard for me to let go of Jack just being a bitch to Picard for no particular reason I preferred that. I also preferred the shining moment when “I never had [a father]!” was not the cliche bitterness at Picard not being there but instead a defiant statement that his sperm donor is irrelevant and no one is going to tell him that he has or needs a father.)

Oh and Jack saying “I know my mother didn’t hate you but” about his name, interesting. Did he assume she did at one point? More emphasis on Beverly not talking about history. But also, more Beverly being characterized in what people say about her while she’s offscreen.

Entirely insufficient Beverly. Why am I not watching a show called Crusher, about Beverly and her complicated family and her inner life? Like it’s not even that she’s generally been a character I prefer over Picard, neither of them were one of my special little guys on TNG but they were both fun, but right now they’ve set her up with way more interesting stuff going on than him and it feels like she’s not getting the time of day about it!

[omegatheunknown]

15 Questions For 15 Mutuals

Are you named after anyone?

No, but if i had been afab, I would've had to wear Jocasta, which is an impressively heavy mantle.

Do you have kids?

In this economy?

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Only at work.

When was the last time you cried?

Across the spiderverse got me a bit, but Saturday morning we watched one hunded and one dalmatians and thinking about the fellowship of the animals helping reunite the family really got to me.

What’s the first thing you notice about other people?

Energy, posture, vibe.

Eye color?

Sorta hazel.

What sports do you/have you played?

Played box lacrosse, basketball and tennis until I didn't want to be around the kids who played sports in high school. Which is lamentable, in retrospect.

Any special talent?

Mostly silly memory tricks. A few times I've managed to tell someone i've met for the second time, many years later, exactly when and where and who else was present/introducing us when we met one time before. So... trivia, I've got you covered -- Countries of the world? Stanley Cup Winners? Presidents? Every premise of every episode of TNG or the magic school bus? Usually able to remember things on the basis of remembering when and where I learned them. Have been accused of never forgetting anything ever, but that feels the opposite of true, though maybe I'm just more aware than is typical of everything I have forgotten, for some of the same reasons. Should also point out that I've gotten lost walking home a few different times in my life, so... we all have different talents.

Where were you born?

Calgary, AB

Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings mostly. Prefer comedies, at this point in my life.

Do you have any pets?

Sandwich is my partner's familiar, but she counts:

How tall are you?

About 184cm.

What are your hobbies?

TTRPGs, writing, reading, being terminally online, watching/arguing about pro wrestling, cooking/baking new things, sometimes i draw comics.

Favorite subject in school?

in senior year i was allowed to take a class called 'script writing' which was essentially spending an extra hour a day in the theatre department working on literally whatever and occasionally directing freshmen. led to hilarious days where i'd have theatre, film, scriptwriting, free block, lunch, then english lit. best university elective was probably either obituary writing or a film class based on the works of the coen brothers and jim jarmusch.

Dream job?

Talk show host. Roddenberry-esque creator of a thing people love enough to keep going well beyond my paltry limitations and see grow and invert and reinvent itself decades on.

I was tagged by @unbound-shade

I'm going tag, sans obligations, my 15 most recent mutuals. Which is to say, I don't know much about you even to know if you do these sorts of tumblr socializing games. Presumably most of you are mutuals because you like my smut blog but feel free to ignore me! @kittencrack @alexisairhead @cuckoosnestblog @strawbabiezs @witchybibabe @soft-greengoddess @submi55ive-kitten @vera-vondoom @eldritchhbagel @dolliespit @the-harpy-celaeno @sunniedayzxo @dinedwithwolves @420xbabydollx @ripescrumptiouspeach

[dragonnan]

list 8 tv shows for your followers to get to know you ★ i was tagged by @disappearinginq

Psych - My first true obsession since the X-Files went off the air in 2001. My biggest obsessions of the past were all WELL before streaming was a thing which meant you HAD to be in front of the TV when it aired or you simply missed out. For example, I missed the final episode of the OG MacGyver. I didn't get to see it until I bought the complete DVD box set decades later. (special mention of Monk which led me to Psych back in the great days of USA Network)

Sherlock - I was late to the party and didn't start watching until after the last season ended. This is, since 2017, my biggest current obsession. I have a strong attachment to detective shows and can't believe how long it took to finally watch. I love, in particular, the portrayal of the characters by Benedict, Martin, Amanda, Mark, Louise, Rupert, and Una (rip).

Fullmetal Alchemist (OG and Brotherhood) - Same, @disappearinginq! My love for this world never ends! Like you there are things I love about both versions. The way Brotherhood developed characters and the wider world (plus the ending) are so so good!! Meanwhile the first series handled certain emotional episodes SO much better!!! I'm sure you know WHICH one in particular. This was also one of the only times I took part in a writing group to help develop the multi-arc vision of a writer who goes by Heathenesque. I didn't write much as most has been created by her but it was so much fun! It still exists on LJ, as well as Mediaminer and The Pit (FFN).

Cowboy Bebop - The first anime anything I ever saw. My brother-in-law had it on VHS back in the day and was watching it at our house. I took an interest and was immediately hooked. I have lost track how many times I've rewatched episodes and there's a reason its considered one of the best anime series created.

Good Omens - WE NEED SEASON 3!!! Entirely quirky and initially feels like just comedy. But my GOSH there is so much depth under the humor and it poses very solid questions about faith and religion as well as friendship, love, what being human means, etc. And that was just the first season. I'm still not emotionally recovered from season 2.

Star Trek - Again, like @disappearinginq I love this show - TOS, TNG, DS9, and Voyager. I even had them on VHS back when cassettes were sexy lol. Star Trek was one of my earliest fandoms and I had such a crush on Spock.

Doctor Who - Thank goodness for streaming cause I watch this on repeat aaaaaall the tiiiime!! I consider it a comfort show and I don't get tired of it no matter how often I rewatch. It may be packed with, often, silly effects (particularly early on) and deeply questionable science. But I also haven't cried harder from the most wrenching scenes and emotion it triggers.

My Foundation - I'm dedicating this last one to the shows that built the tastes I'd have as an adult: MacGyver, Simon & Simon, Hart to Hart, Remington Steele, Scarecrow & Mrs. King, The A-Team, Magnum PI, Airwolf, Blue Thunder, Beauty & the Beast, The Fall Guy, Knight Rider, Moonlighting, as well as Saturday morning cartoons, The Electric Company, and Sesame Street.

Tagging: @sgam76 @theleftpill @mrs-n-uzumaki @mamahanu @villaniouslyawesome @ceruleanmindpalace @copperplatebeech @ariaadagio @aelaer