#my breath literally stopped for a SECOND
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Xmen ‘97 just BROKE ME I need AT LEAST 3-5 business days to recover
#the Loki finale still is the most I’ve ever cried at a marvel thing#but honestly#this comes in second 100%#literally couldn’t breathe I was crying so hard#marvel stop making me sob my eyes out challenge (impossible)#WHY TF WAS THAT OK#marvel#MCU#marvel cinematic universe#xmen#xmen 97
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I have so many varied and fun WIPs I could work on but my brain continues to scream “BE WEIRD ABOUT CHILDBIRTH! SURELY YOU WON’T WEIRD ANYONE OUT IF YOU KEEP WRITING ABOUT CHILDBIRTH!” and I’d like it to sTOP
#I HAVE TOKOPHOBIA CHILDBIRTH AND PREGNANCY IN GENERAL REPULSE ME#(not to be confused with ‘I find it repulsive’ — its natural and plenty of people find it beautiful and more power to ‘em! me personally…)#BUT I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT MARIO RUSHING TO HIS WIFE’S BEDSIDE AND FRANTICALLY TRYING TO HELP HER RELAX#WHEN IN FACT SHE IS ALREADY RELAXED AND HE NEEDS BREATHING EXERCISES MORE THAN SHE DOES#AND THE MENTAL AND PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION THEY BOTH UNDERGO AS THE HOURS TICK BY AND THE PAIN GETS WORSE#PEACH HURTING AND ANXIOUS AND FRANKLY KINDA TERRIFIED BUT BLINDLY LEANING ON AND TRUSTING HER HUSBAND WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT#AND OF COURSE HE REFUSES TO LET HER DOWN BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE’S FRAZZLED HE’S NOT GOING TO LET HER GO THROUGH THIS ALONE#AND AND AND#PEACH TREMBLING AND WEEPING IN RELIEF WHEN SHE’S HANDED HER LITTLE GIRL AND FEELS HER TAKE HER FIRST BREATHS AND HEARS HER FIRST CRIES#MARIO PEPPERING HER FACE IN KISSES AND JUST REPEATING ‘brava! brava! brava!’ BECAUSE HIS WIFE IS SO STRONG AND SO INCREDIBLE#AND IT DOESN’T REALLY HIT HIM UNTIL THEIR BABY’S ALL CLEANED AND SWADDLED AND HE’S HOLDING HER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND HE JUST#STARTS FUCKING BAWLING#AND WHISPERING TO HER IN HIS NATIVE TONGUE ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER AND HOW HE’S SO HAPPY TO MEET HER AND HE’S GONNA PROTECT HER#THE IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH! THE FIRST SLEEPLESS HOURS AND DAYS! NAVIGATING IT ALL TOGETHER AND IT BRINGS THEM EVEN CLOSER#WHY AM I LIKE THIS#I SEE PREGNANT BELLIES OR NEWBORN BABIES IRL AND I’M LIKE ‘🤢’#BUT WHEN IT’S MY OTPS I AM LITERALLY OBSESSED#WHY#MAKE IT MAKE SENSE 😭😭😭
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I saw the fnaf movie and what can I say... This was one of the best days of my fucking life.
God I am so so happy. I saw a lot of people in cosplay at the movie theater and it was so cool, in fact I also went with a closet cosplay that I was able to do at the last moment!
Everything that happened in the movie was everything I could have wanted and more. Me and my past self from 2014 were not expecting this at all, and I really thought that nothing so shocking to me was going to happen. And here I am, not believing everything that just happened.
It was truly an experience that I will never forget just like all those beautiful memories I have with this game.
my life would be nothing without them <3
I'm so happy
#this movie is PERFECT#in the sense that it was enough for me and to make me feel this way#they gave me more than I thought they could give me#and I'm just so happy#and yes the character I was squealing the most and shaking my legs for was definitely foxy my friend can tell you that#this was too much for me#I will not stop saying that I am too happy#I have many things to say about the movie but writing is not enough#I was literally sweating dying from the heat and I couldn't control my breathing for even a second#I love fnaf and I love that it has become one of the most important things in my life forever#fnaf#fnaf movie#five nights at freddy's#five nights at freddy's movie#five nights at freddy's movie spoilers
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god i fucking hate my dad
#he came home today from a bike trip he went on and he's been arguing with me about honeybee the whole fucking day#he keeps saying just let her out let her run around! every time i put her in her pen to nap#and he refuses to stop her from biting him#and he got mad at her for playing with his socks when she'd just been playing with mine and he threw them on the floor of the living room#which first of all stop being such a fucking slob#and second of all what the fuck did you expect to happen? it's a soft new toy on the floor where she spends most of her time. where all her#toys are. very similar to the two soft items she's allowed to play with (my socks)#she's fucking 3 months old she doesn't understand the difference between my socks and his socks#and i keep telling him i know what im doing i was doing all the research while he went to buttfuck nowhere on his midlife crisis motorcycle#but he just wont fucking listen to me#and hes like oh youre at that age where you think youre right about everything and are so stubborn like fuck you actually#first of all im stubborn about this because its a living breathing puppy and his actions will affect her behaviour as an adult#and bc i know what im fucking doing. ive been an animal person my entire life. i did all the research. i did this exact same thing with#parrots for five years.#and hes like you cant just put her in her pen every time shes being a dog like no i fucking dont. i only put her in her pen when it's time#for a nap and she's getting overtired. you can't just let her run around until she collapses bc for one she never fucking will#second that's only going to make her energy threshold higher and then she'll be absolutely impossible to handle#and i told him that and that i read that on like every professional dog training source i read#and he said that might be true or might not be#like it fucking is bitch omfg#and then he tried to one up me like um i actually raised you guys for a long time i know what im doing#like a child is not a fucking dog. also my mom raised us lets be fucking serious. and look how well adjusted i turned out#and he told me to relax and calm down like i wasnt even arguing with him but i sure as hell will now#like dont tell me to fucking relax. when has telling anyone to relax ever made anything better. especially a teenager. especially a (for#simplicity's sake) woman.#and i told him dont tell me to relax and he got all pissy and stormed off#like literally fuck you#im my fathers daughter. im just as stubborn as he is.#rambles
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HUGE VENT
I'm sorry but i need to get this out, just please don't worry too much or take anything personally/gen
My routine these last two weeeks has been:
-Wake up at my 10 am alarm and spend the whole day in bed, mentally and physically exhausted, brain fog and no motivation for anything, only getting up to eat, having to wait for the "food time" hours to roll around that my therapist gave me because I'm not allowed to eat outside of those hours and if I'm hungry but missed the last food time then too bad, struggling to stay awake because again I'm not allowed to sleep out of the "sleep hours" she gave me and that includes naps, excitedly waiting for 21h30/22h to roll around so i can finally sleep
-Spend the evening mentally screaming in my mind because, while my body is still just as physically exhausted, my mind is suddenly sharp and full of ideas and motivation, but i'm still too tired to get up and draw
-Then spend midnight and onward rolling around in bed, hot and bored out of my mind because my physical tiredness also vanished, but i'm not allowed to get up and draw because it's "sleep hours" and i need to reschedule my body, and end up falling asleep at around 5 am
I'm totally not slowly loosing my mind 😃👍
Edit: Oh also the constant noise in my ears has gotten worse, i don't know what silence is anymore
Silence is actually worse than loud rooms
It's driving me insane
It's so loud
#literaly so mentally exhausted to the point that i forgot to ask a bunch of really important stuff and tests at my last gyneco appointement#i can't remember which med I'm supposed to take at a specific hour and which one is whenever. so i just take them both at the same time#i can't remember if i have still boxes of meds in advance and which one i need to go refill#because they're stuff i need to constantly take and not suddenly stop with#but i keep forgetting to check#and i can't remember where i put the prescriptions anyway#and which one are the right one and which one are old#I'm so tired#and I'm so tired of being tired#and I'm SO so so tired of constantly fighting to have my health and struggles acknowledge#i kinda just gave up and now i'm just mindlessly sitting there at the appointments for only 10 minutes being being told that i can leave#I've just been run in circles for way too long#and i get aggresively criticised every time i use advice and seek for help on the Internet. by the same doctors who don't give me ANY advic#or help#and my head has been pounding for two days#and my verbal ticks have gotten so bad that it genuinely gets hard to breathe sometimes#with a therapist that just made me talk in circles and lowkey criticised me for two hours#(this was our first real therapy meeting and they're supposed to only be 1 hour and are NOT reimbursed because the autism center will NOT#fucking answer to ANYONE. medical professional or not. so i had to go private 😃👍)#and the only thing she gave me at the end of those 2 hours was this schedule that I'm not allowed to bend#I've been trying to daydream about my AUs and develope them as usual to try to feel better#but now that i have time to draw. i just get more and more drawing ideas that keep pilling up and tear me apart from the inside because i#can't draw any of them thanks to this damn fatigue#i literally only did 1 af revenge and still need to do 3 more. and i genuinely don't know if I'll manage to do that#i told two friends that ill draw something for them. but nothing. because too tired and everything keeps slipping from my mind#i will daydream about Dimentio for hours straight. then forget that i did. and panic that the fixation is slipping because i “haven't#thought about him in a while“. ”a while“ was 40 seconds ago. I'm not exaggerating this keeps happening#i also keep spending the night DRENCHED in sweat because i just can't sleep without my blanket on me anymore. so more struggles#vent#negative
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got through the 95 dungeon tonight. what the hell is going on
#yappingway#i rounded the corner after the second boss and stopped dead in my tracks#literally took my breath away#AND THEN WE JUST HEAD BACK HOME LIKE ???? HUHHHHHH#TONAL WHIPLASH UNREAL DUDE
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hi guys, may i introduce you to the concept of ailette/hestio
If hesphael is ephael giving in to hestio with some jibes that have little to no heat behind them, then ailette/hestio is ailette returning hestio's energy even more and hestio not being able to take it. Ephael teases hestio with a ☺️ or 😄 face while ailette is like >:)) and she does not pull punches. she would embarrass him happily and watch him combust. They compete on a bunch of inconsequential things and hestio loses 80% of the time because ailette is just too cool like that.
#hestio ligenel#mimin voice i think everyone in this series should kiss hestio actually#i made that one post recently from twt abt how you end up making everyone in the franchise in love w ur fave#and i was like. me w tesilid#wrong actually its me w hestio. everyone should plant a big fat kiss on hestio's cheek it would delight me greatly#me yelling into the void in irinbi's vague direction:#hello could you please give hestio a love interest???? please???? for me???#like please PLEASE hestio has so much potential HE COULD BE SO FUNNY....#i am NOT immune to his irresistible tsundere charms#the fun thing abt shipping hestio w like literally every character is that he's slightly different w each of them but hes still very funny#i just want to see him imploding on himself a little. okay#like this scene is so funny to me. hes so cute#and he says the gnarliest things sometimes too like when he called ailette a cabbage bc her layers have layers#why are you calling a girl a cabbage.... he has no tact i want to pinch his cheek#i need someone to bully him a little#teshes flavour of teasing hestio would be done w a straight face and tesilid would let hestio off the hook very easily#hesphael flavour is ephael making good natured jabs abt things he knows hestio wont rly get super riled up abt#and then ailette just goes straight for his throat#actually while we're here lets think abt other hestio ships too. clears throat. please consider prinzhestio#it would be very cute bc prinz is very considerate and accomodating#he has the same vibes as pre regression tesilid except he doesnt give hestio blood pressure issues bc he can take care of himself#prinz isnt a doormat. he would probably be like. a hestio restrainer. stops hestio from losing his head at things and calms him down#hestio almost loses his temper and he takes a deep breath turns to prinz stares at him for a couple of seconds and then#turns back completely calm and serene again#AND ALSO prinz is a knight he can protect hestio#like listen its just in prinz's blood to be knightly and protect ppl arnd him okay that fits well w hestio's need to be protected#literally its so funny how hestio is like super vulnerable but hasnt awakened his aura. he just relies on ephael#what a princess. i love him.#(ephael voice) yeah okay ill protect you or youll prob die...#(tesilid voice) my obligations.... (prinz voice) OH NO ARE YOU OKAG
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it really is the tiniest inconvenience that makes me want to kill myself
#dani.txt#i literally stopped breathing and made the decision not to react because I can’t do anything about it anyway but boyyyyyy#the suicidal ideation is so real in times like these#because it’s wild to me because logically I know this isn’t a valid reason for wanting death but lmao my brain goes from 0-100 in a second#like if I told you what triggered my fight or flight you’d be like girl there are people dying#and it’s true. but I can’t control the way my brain just
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work of art ✨
#louis tomlinson#there was something about him this day#the London show was obviously on another level altogether but#the Sheffield show was definitely my second fav from the UK leg#third fav was Cardiff#literally nobody asked but I’m not letting that stop me#any way#LOOK AT HIM#he’s stunning#the man is walking talking breathing art#unreal af#fitfwt: Sheffield#ARM#also sorry I don’t know who’s photo this is I swiped it off Twitter#if it’s yours let me know and I’ll credit you!!!
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If I take a second to breathe and think and 3 seconds into it someone calls me over the radio to come clean something they could do themselves again I'm going to actually scream
#like god I knkw I'm the only usher here rn cuz im the opening usher on saturdays but FUCK#give me a second tk fucking BREATHE#I HATE when I'm doing something and one of the managers calls and is like actually can you stop what you're doing even though what you're-#-doing is more important and come sweep up this like 3 cernal popcorn spill literally right next to us that we could get ourselves but won'#I hate this job so much I want to quit so bad#somebody else hire me right now so I can leave this shithole#and also have a real job that pays mlre than 10 bucks and hour so I can actually pretend to be a semi functional adult#I can't even pretend right now#I've been stuck in limbo for the last 2 years at least and I really don't know how I'll ever get out#I probably won't let's be honest because I wasn’t born into a world where that's possible anymore#and my mental health has only been slowly but surely deteriorating for even longer than that but it's really crashed and burned lately#but i'm trying#and I honestly don't want to try anymore#I'm so tired
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people smarter than me have said this before but jesus christ why does every job seem to require at least a year of experience and a degree in some hyperspecific field. where did the entry level positions go? how am i even supposed to get experience if none of yall will give me a job without it?
#theres already almost nothing related to my field being offered but even the unrelated things that i think i could try are out bc of this#most of the stuff id actually care abt doing actually require 3-5+yrs! in a field that i cant get into without experience i cant get!#and people talk abt how 'nobody wants to work' i am BEGGING you for a job. literally begging (cover letters).#im coming to the horrifying realization that its possible Nothing i have done w my entire life matters. i have nothing useful#i really feel like i made a mistake. that cant be the best five years of my life i wasnt even happy during most of them#i applied to six jobs weeks ago and ive heard back from one of them and it was a rejection. and theres nothing else to apply to#my degree isnt helping and all of my hobbies are useless. why am i only good at/passionate abt arts. why not math or smth instead#i should have just done ece like i was planning to instead of my honours. what was even the point#and im watching other people in my year get great jobs right out of university. watching my BROTHER get offered work on a silver platter#hes 19 and got five different offers + didnt apply people just asked him to work for them. second year in a row this has happened#hes never had to work for minimum wage. hes always had a good job in his field lined up anytime he wants to work and it always pays well#and i finished five years and ive had to beg for everything ive ever gotten and its still not enough to count for anything#im proud of him but fuck it stings a little#levi.txt#vent tw#oh right i forgot i should just walk in and shake the managers hand. /right/. and they will simply give me a job on the spot bc of this#if people whove been working the same job since before 1990 dont fucking stop giving me bad advice istfg#and these same people say nepotism isnt real and in the same breath talk abt giving their nephew a summer job at their company#literally all i want is work i can be decent at that i care abt and making a living wage. it doesnt have to be fun i dont want to be rich#i just want to do an ok job feel like my work matters and make enough to start my life. thats all
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Well, one year to go
#well at least im trying for that#ive scheduled round two for alaska and hopefully i see the lights this time#and my second favorite band announced yesterday they're coming here with guess who? another of my favorite bands#(blackbriar and battle beast may 2024)#i literally said the other day id be happy if i got to see them and now they're coming! can you believe it#but im tired...my health has plummeted and i am not doing well#im not going to last#ive just got to hold out for these last bucket list items#so im trying for the auora again in september around the equinox#ugh it's so bad im hooked up to shit all day now and constantly have to monitor tachycardia for instance#im exhausted. i can barely breathe. it hurts so much. i never stop shaking and spasming now#but hey ive started playing dnd...finally found a group. so that's crossed off my list too and it's been very fun so far#i need to get the motivation to read all the books i want to read#it aint in my control though...i just have to hope i can hold out until september#ive been trying lots of new foods but there's still so much more i want to try#but yeah im tired...every day i wake up from pain and feel like im going to die...if i sleep at all#even clare has given up it's progressed too much#but im trying. im trying#and ive been gathering all our family photos and things so theyll have memories#me and my dad take a selfie every time he visits too#idk. there's not a whole lot i can say without making people sad but it's been so much lately#i struggle to scrape through the pain every day. it's been 14 years. i just want to be free#it's not like i want to die...i just want to be free of the pain and rest finally#wish me luck#p
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( meeting neuvi at long last )
#^ Squealed at the blurry shape of his face#ooc#MY BREATHING LITERALLY STOPPED FOR A FEW SECONDS OOOHH EEEEEEEE
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next time the "how are you in a crisis?" type question comes up I am going to remember this evening when I totally smashed my car into a pillar in a parking garage and then apparently forgot to turn my lights on (fluorescent lighting in said parking garage) and got flagged down by a man on the street for driving without lights (thank u sir) ALL WHILE ON THE PHONE WITH MY MOM AND SISTER and they had no idea. I was completely cool. Literally an active disaster behind the wheel (this is why I don't like driving in the city ughghgguhguhgh) and just like "oh yeah totally" on the phone.
Does this mean I am good in a crisis? more like avoidant haha. I am not thinking about my car if I can't see it it's not real. consistent with my stupid habit of just not looking at my phone for two hours if I get a text I don't want to answer
#since my silly little dinner date got canceled I decided to go get myself food for once#and was immediately reminded of a reason besides frugality that I don't just go do stuff like that more often#an entire ordeal#also literally whyyyyyyy did I do that#most avoidable accident ever it's not like I was tight for space or anything#just forgot about the giant pillar that I had literally laid eyes on second before#I joke about lacking object permanence but wow#anyway just got off the phone with my mom I didn't know how to say hey I need you to stop talking to me so I can freak out a little#(the version of which is me sitting chilling breathing normal just typing this post)#anyway AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#I don't actually care that much the car still drives and that's what I care about#it's just. it's very visible. people are going to ask me about it
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I am jumping around like a fucking animal i am rolling on the ground in the dirt i am eating stones I cannot go to this class i will die I'm the most nervous person on planet earth right now i need to be put down with a bear tranquilizer I cannot go there noooooooo
#im gonna scream AAAAA#i cant do this i cannot do this#im in so much trouble#but i cant go there this class stresses me out so badly i just can't#the video call started and my heart fucking stopped man i wasn't breathing for like 30 seconds istg#pretending to be dead rn#im not answering that#literally hid in the bathroom I cannot#i canttt#i have stuff to show to the prof but i CAN'T#AAAAAAAAAAAA
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#can i just calm down for 2 seconds please. can the anxiety stop for just a bit please#i'm gonna go buy bubbles#bubbles are nice. i can't do mindful breathing or whatever you call it on my own.#i'll literally panic trying to control my breathing. but. blowing bubbles. that makes me feel better#and it's the same thing but with bubbles. that used to be my go to method before therapy and zoloft#but today i'm just FREAKING out#a friend invited me to something and yesterday when hanging out with another friend i mentioned it#and i was like 'oh you didn't know about it? i'm sure they wouldn't mind. let me ask if you can come'#and that friend left me on read and then finally told me this morning that they weren't sure about it#because apparently someone or some people in the larger like... not friend group more like friend web#don't like this other friend and that's why they weren't invited. that and it was gonna be just a couple of us.#and after apologizing a lot and going back and forth being like 'i'm so sorry this is my fault'#and them being like 'no it's not i should be more inclusive i feel bad not including them'#and me being like no you're allowed to not invite people i shouldn't have mentioned it ahhhhhhhhhhhh#so i don't know where host-friend stands right now about the other friend coming#BUT that other friend invited me out tonight and i had said i would come but that was before all this chaos#so if i go meet them i'll have to avoid the whole invite thing and hope they forgot but i don't think they forgot#and i'm like who doesn't like this person and why because i think i know why and that it's a misunderstanding#and tonight i could casually be like 'hey you should text so-and-so about that thing and touch base' to fix it#BUT if i'm wrong and it's someone ELSE then i don't know why and just ahh i hate drama especially theatre people drama#and i feel extra bad for creating this mess ahhhhh. so now i've been a ball of anxiety all night.#hmm. venting and writing this out made me calm down a little. god i need to get back into journalling
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