#my boyfriend is having super bad time and it's strongly related to me yet not my direct fault and the only way i could remove

[chlopieno]

This friday sucks super bad so far.

[sjw-publishings]

Stay Straight Babe

“Im so glad I still have my lovely boyfriend with me during Quarantine, Amirite Cherry?”

“Yeah...hehe, so glad to have Sammie with me too...”

Anton, the Drama Queen laughed with his lesbian shy bookworm bestie as they discussed about theatre and all about. Of course, they would’ve invited their lovers along, but they were too busy being techno geeks and talking computer games in their gaming rooms.

“Did you have lunch yet?”

“Yeah, tried takeout from that famous Chinese restaurant downtown! Was super good!”

“Oh my god! Me too sistah!!!”

“OooooooAHHHH!”

A large groan came from their study, where his boyfriend’s currently at. Anton naturally looked concerned for his boyfriend.

“What was that?”

“I don’t know! But something came from Sammie’s room too...”

“Yeah! I gotta check Kenny, Brb!”

Ending the call, Anton left the bedroom, and headed his way outside the study, about to open the door, but then a loud masculine voice rumbled from behind the door.

“Samantha? You’re just such a great fri... girlfriend... eungh so hot...”

Samantha? Who is that....But more importantly, why would his friend...boyfriend be moaning to a lady? Is he...cheating on him? But that can’t be, his geeky nerd cutie is as queer as a three dollar bill! But still, he had to check it out....that deep voice certainly did not sound like a nerd’s...

“SO HOT!”

As Anton walked into the room, his eyes widened at the pile of clothes and tossed garments on the ground. Large XL sandblasted jeans, track pants, sneakers. Tons of sports posters and trophies decorating the shelves, and a large television screen playing the latest soccer match...though for some reason, he vaguely recalled seeing football and baseball at intervals.

But it definitely did not look like a study room...despite him initially thinking that it was. Alongside a couple of dart boards, some sports equipment, and a pool table, seemed like a recreation room...but since when could they afford...

“oooooOOOOAAAAAAHHH!”

A large moan came from the couch, as Anton came to the front of it, all his eyes focused on was an incredibly muscular asian hunk man-spreading in bliss, dressed in a white tee with an iconic sporting good logo in the front, left hand gripping his cellphone while his right hand dug deep into his clean white boxers. The man panted out of relief, and relaxation, like a weight lifted off his shoulders. Whispering into branded phone with his deep husky, asian tone.

“Stay Straight Babe~”

CLICK!

So hot...NO! Anton get a hold of yourself! Who was this Asian man? Where was his roommate? He had to get questions, even if this...extremely hunky cutie, looked so sexy dazed and looking up.

“What?...Who are you!”

The Asian man snapped out of his trace, eyes opened...but ever so slightly. He was asian after all, but he was chill...in control. Still leaning back on the couch, he looked at Anton, puzzled, before looking down at his exposed boxers and then back at the stranger. His mind cleared up in an instant, forcing out a-

“Kevin Lang, Fag!”

The man said it, and gave that signature sarcastic response from only a jock bully like him. Smirking condescendingly, he was in charge, and that theatre gay started to tremble.

“Listen Queer, I know you’re thirsty and all for men during this. But some of us got girlfriends who we can’t visit. So stop being a WUSS and deal with it.”

“I...wasn’t...I...”

Now this really pissed him, not even caring about the stickiness on his right hand, or that he had a pitched tent. All he knows now is to deal with this gay of a roommate who spied on him and his girlfriend. The tall 6ft 2 jock cornered Anton to the door.

“Go jerk to your boyfriend or something...oh that’s right! Even a FAG like you doesn’t have one!”

Anton was in tears, he remembered the countless dates that he had, alongside the taunts made by this douchebag Kevin who somehow managed to wolf his way into his life throughout college. He had to get out of there..., quickly opening the door and running back to the bedroom, locking it.

“I...I have to call Cherry...”

As he typed for her number, a sudden ringing notification popped up for the name Chelsea. Must be a typo when he was saving Cherry’s contact right? Cause that number definitely was Cherry’s.

“Anton....”

“What happened?”

Almost suddenly, his mind shrugged off of whatever his homophobic roommate had said. His best friend was weak right now, he had to help her.

Gripping ahold of the phone, he didn’t notice the warm tanned spot spreading on his palms, down his wrists every second as he held the cellphone.

“Samantha...called me a dyke.”

“Samantha?”

“You know! My roommate, the one that’s dating yours!”

It made sense now, the two of them bonded over how much they despised their roommates bullying...and the strangeness of how the douchebag jock and queen bee couple somehow always interfered in their respective love lives...

Clutching the phone tighter, his wrists tightened as definition thickened his forearms. Curling his biceps subconsciously, toning strongly till they were the size of baseballs.

“Yeah Kevin was such a douche, had to defend myself from him tryin’ to whoop me...”

“Yeah, had to backflip and dodge Samantha’s attacks. Didn’t feel good knowing she still holds a grudge about me being a dyke.”

Heh, he knew his best friend could handle herself. She was still a cheerleader in training, but could whoop Samantha’s arrogant butt anytime. Must also be her half asian genetics like his.

Sitting up straighter, Aiton’s broad shoulders filled out his sweater, which almost ripped if it was not for that white stain sealing up the cracks. That white stain...which came from Kevin...right? Was there a stain?

The white coloration spread all across the attire, shrinking up the sleeves to simply resting just below his shoulders, accentuating his large biceps which he proudly admired. Alongside his large back which occupied his entire bed...wait, didn’t he?

Taking a closer look at his bedroom...wait, looking DOWN at his bedroom. He was on the upper bed of a double decker, with training equipment at the side and a couple of sports memorabilia which looked reminiscent of the recreational room.

Yeah of course that douchebag Kevin had to have most of the room with his crap...though it was not all bad. He worked out quite often during his spare time...outside of that artsy degree he had no idea why he took...did he take an artsy degree? He shrugged, doesn’t matter, he worked out.

Anyways it showed, leaning back and taking full charge of the entire bed. At least he was the alpha HERE! Listening to what his best friend spoke...though she was mostly talking about drama with her roommate, not the kind of thing he was interested in.

But he always liked her voice...

“At least...I think I like girls? But that was an accident! I don’t like Samantha!”

Aiton nodded, unsure of what to say, but felt...pretty cool about it. Crossing his legs, as he saw those large trunks that trained...almost like for years. They which reached the end of the bedside, as those khakis lengthened and stretched into XL sweatpants...gotta snatch that back his junk from Kevin later, but not now. He was cool, now. Kicking off his large trainers which went-

CLUNK CLUNK!

As they hit the floor, wiggling his size 12 feet beneath those white socks. Kevin could insult him all he wants later, it was his room too. The fledgeling Jock can say whatever he wants to anybody, and he says-

“You were like ‘I think I like girls’, sounded pretty dyke to me.”

Aiton smirked, teasing the cheerleader from across the phone. He always liked doing that, he was in charge after all.

He knew how icky the two cheerleaders felt towards homosexuals...but then again, wasn’t he a bit rude towards them as well? Not as bad as Kevin but an occasional joke here and there meant nothing right?

“Who you callin’ dyke, Fag?”

“Who you callin’ Fag, Dyke?”

Okay...maybe he didn’t like being called Fag either. But it was just insults between him, Cherlse, and Kevin and Samantha. Anyone else and they answer TO HIS FISTS....except maybe ladies...especially hot babes.

He began to palm himself, and as he kneaded his hard rocket, he sneered in disgust over a rainbow wristband on his wrist. He blinked, in its faggy place was a white sports watch. His rocket doubled up in size, while darkening in tan, its always time to be a Jerk, just like his Bro Kevin.

“You know i get weak when you use my own words~”

Cherlsea opened up her phone webcam, and Aidon did the same. Both smirking at the other. The Jock knew it was always ladies first, but he was a Jerk so-

“Oh damn...she’s hot!”

“Of course I am, do I still look pretty dyke to you~?”

Watching her seductively pose on her bed, it felt like ages since he had seen a woman like that! In that revealing tank and double Ds he could just!

SQUEEZE!

“Oooaahhh!”

Squeezing his own chest, feeling rock solid muscle layering his nipples, pectorals filling his sports shirt massively like the man he was. Feeling those abdominals as a well deserved 6 pack emerged from years of crunches.

“I....I NEED RELEASE!”

“So hawt~”

“I...I AINT A FAG!”

“Course you aren’t hunky~you are so hawt, ooooooaaaaah!”

The Queen Bee’s second in command had let out her mating’s call, the asian babe was too much for the Douchebag Jock’s right hand man, and vice versa. As their desires linked up, with the help of a fortune cookie they ate prior, they were about to finally be set into motion.

Each of them felt a tight stinging to their holes simultaneously. As the Asian Jock’s butt hole tightened, the Cheerleader’s lady hole expanded. Like a trade of preferences, but that is not all.

As testosterone pumped in the man, churning larger sacks, as he watched his babe’s hair lengthen, his shrunk, and BUZZED off the sides and back, leaving a stylish gelled top, maintained with a pair of shavers, scissors, and his Bro. Not actually brothers, but they were asian , jocks, and total jerks. Wouldn’t be surprised if they were related.

Speaking of Asian, his tan had bathed his facial features alongside the rest of his body. Cleansing the GAY away from him as his jaw hardened into a fierce square. His lips snarled in momentary disgust, before his raising his cheeks, as that scowl shifted to an arrogant smirk as he watched his girlfriend do the same.

“Ooooaaaaaah~”

His brows complimented his prominent features, as they frowned, closing his eyes as his girlfriend’s moan was too much to bear...he needed RELEASE! RELEASE!

“OAAAAAAAH!”

Aidan Long expelled a thick goo from below, as his eyes gave way to a thin fierce asian dark brown. Staring into the ceiling in a haze...before the sounds of his lover’s panting sent him back to reality.

“Man...that feels good, but still miss our hot damn ‘Dragon and Empress’ sessions before all this happened.”

“Yeah totally...stuck with bestie the whole day is fun and all but...she and your douche roommate keep doing it all day.”

“Caught him jerkin’ off too jus now...”

“Whaaaaaat! Omg same, saw Samantha doing that too!”

“Course...nothin’ beats my empress...”

“Same for you too...my long muscular dragon.”

Almost instantly, the doors slammed open. Of course, Kevin had the spare keys to the bedroom too, and he was sneering right at the door.

“AND YOU SAY IM A FAGGOT!”

“SHADDUP KEV! YOU GAY!”

“NO YOU GAY!”

“NO YOU GAY!”

“HAHAHA!”

The two jocks laughed arrogantly, before sneering at each other. The two of them were thirsty, and they understood and respected that.

“Ohhh almost forgot, mwah mwah mwah!”

“Mwah mwah mwah back to you GAY!”

Kevin left the room, most likely going to order more of that Chinese take out or something. Doesn’t matter to Aidan though...he was friends with the man, but he wasn’t INTO INTO him.

“I swear this stay at home thing is turning me gay...”

“Oh there’s nothing wrong with some bonding sessions. Me and Samantha are pointing each other’s nails later on, and that isn’t DYKE!”

“Yeah, should probably binge watch soccer with that douche. Felt like We haven’t did a sports marathon in ages!...No homo of course.”

The two of them chatted for a while more, loving the company of the other intimately as they teased one another like the lovers they are.

But they eventually have to go to other stuff. And by stuff he wants to do, is CHILL.

“Love you hunky, talk to you l8r!”

The Jock simply posed to the camera,and spoke.

“Stay Straight Babe”

[fmdkiana]

【✧】━━━━━ 🌿 k i a n a     i n t r o     p l a y l i s t 🌿 ━━━━━【✧】

these are nineteen songs that i’ve been listening to while making kiana’s blog [x] some i came across, some randomly thought of, and some suggested by lovely muns i’ve been chatting about kiana to. since she’s a character that i’ve adapted for the purpose of famed, these songs have helped ground me in the person she is. i hope the songs and descriptions below will help you learn kiana a little better too

1. to be torn by kyla la grange

this first song was a suggestion from someone, and i think set the tune for the rest of my choices. apparently it’s from beauty and the beast? lol anyway it describes this desire to be torn, a carnal need to be used. the heavy sound of it is kind of haunting, a bit sad, but also strong. the emotion can be felt even without the lyrics. kiana has this part of her that deeply craves being important, whether it comes at her own expense -her own tearing- or not. also forewarning that a lot of these overlap on the same concepts. shrug emoji

2. intertwined by dodie

intertwined is a song that immediately came to mind for kiana after to be torn. when this song came out, many people saw it as a cute love story, wanting to be intertwined with a lover, and have them be the safe space when you have a troubled head. however, dodie made a video debunking this, against her natural inclination, because the song describes something severely unhealthy. the following music video also helped many people to see the gore that’s strung throughout the lyrics. it Actually describes a relationship where the participants have put all of their source of happiness in one another, and it’s left them codependent, but ever seeking more. kiana has this perpetual trouble in relationships, especially romantic ones

3. bite by troye sivan

i can be the subjective of your dreams, your sickening desire is a pretty good sum up of where the inspo comes from. it’s difficult, when talking about the negative parts of kiana, to not talk about her ex-boyfriend. i have lots planned to talk on so i won’t go on forever here, but it reminds me of how all it took was the tiniest invitation for kiana to “become his.” that’s how she works. come here puppy, don’t bite, and she’ll heel at your side forever. at least, back then. she’s someone who seems difficult, because she’s very asocial, but with the right formula, it could be so easy to slip her into your arms

4. hell in heaven by twice wish

this song is a bit similar to intertwined, i would say? someone who feels stuck, drowning in a “hell” that is only saved by a piece of “heaven/paradise.” yet they’re in between the place of hell and heaven, constantly confused of where they land, because they’ve placed their hope for salvation in this one, singular place/person. they want to be freer than they are, yet their salvation keeps them locked away. open the door to heaven, let me walk on the cloud. the day i’m trapped in you, save me, hold me tight

5. dinner & diatribes by hozier

a few different levels come from this song. while it was created with the idea of how tedious social gatherings are, the story that comes from it makes another world. kiana is asocial, and struggles with fear over social situations, which make something like dinner parties quite stressful for her. she’s also someone who isn’t fond of small talk, and more likely that type to say ‘talk to me about your deepest fears,’ but... she actually means it and isn’t saying it to be pretentious. she would much rather see the sickest, nastiest parts of someone, soak all of that up, than talk about whether the food was good. the music video describes this in part, but also gives a hades/persephone but worse type of story that is also quite kiana aligned. that’s the kind of love i’ve been dreaming of

6. creep by radiohead

i want you to notice when i’m not around. so fuckin special, i wish i was special, but i’m a creep. not to ‘have you ever seen me without this hat’ on you, but lissen! kiana is forever convinced she’s an outsider. the things she likes are more Cool these days than they were when she was a kid, but the feeling of being ostracized for liking them back then will always live with her. she’s an insecure overthinking fuck at times too. and also desperately wants to be someone special, and unique, as if having that would make her pain of feeling different worth it

7. seigfried by frank ocean

the meaning of this song is pretty different from how i view it in relation to kiana. for her, the focus is on the idea of ‘settling down’ being... acceptance of normality? her whole life, she’s been searching for someone and/or something that makes her feel special. she became an idol for this exact reason, dated her ex for that reason, seeks the relationships she does, thinks she could still have superpowers for this reason. but the truth is that she’s pretty normal. her hobbies are very normal people type things. her talents aren’t anything that would have her being called top of the line. her thoughts are all things other people have thought of. her booksmart intelligence isn’t any stronger than the average. she is very normal, and the tiny part of her that acknowledges that usually shoves it away. but on occasion, she wonders if she should accept it, and settle

8. gimme love by joji

gimme gimme love is all you really need to know lol kiana doesn’t stick around easily when she’s not being given the same kind of world-ending affection from those she’s chosen to share that with that she gives out. she gives at Least 110% of her love, affection, and loyalty into anyone that she has chosen to keep closest to her heart, and if she isn’t getting that back, she can feel dejected, unloved, and unimportant. she may give people like this a few chances to change, but her expectations, or “standards,” won’t change

9. pain by king princess

cos i can’t help turning my love into pain is the strongest lyric that ties back to kiana. the overall message isn’t as strong because king princess has a different view on a relationship as described than kiana. for her, it’s yet another kiana will put herself in the face of terrible parts of relationships. the trouble is that she enjoys it, and seeks it, thinking it’s the ultimate show of love. not to pain one another, but to be pained without them. also realizing after all these i should be saying this applies to her inner circle friendships as well, but the standards are just a little less heavy

10. any song by zico sun

not one for big gatherings, kiana likes to have her social interaction either through the wire, or in small groups (duos are best to her tbh) the song has an upbeat tune that contrasts against the lyrical meaning of something more about... any song will do, something to drag away the sadness that’s living inside. kiana functions a bit like that, always seeking her uniqueness to bust out and save her from her own mind thinking she’s not good enough

11. why won’t they talk to me? by tame impala

she is asocial, but that doesn’t mean being a hermit,, an otaku,, whatever you want to call her, is a life full of happiness. she functions very well on her own, but when she has that for too long, it can be damaging to her head as well, especially when she has inner circle friends or a romantic relationship. when not speaking to these people, the need for human connection seems unbearable to deal with, and anxiety runs rampant

12. alien by lee suhyun

her mama told her she’s alien, but actually it was herself telling herself she’s alien mixed with influence from pop culture making her want to be a superhero and kids who told her she was a freak, all coming together in the desire for weirdness to be a Cool thing. kiana will wish til the day she croaks that she will have a realization that she has a special power

13. stressed out by twenty one pilots

ki doesn’t care about the core message of this song. many people relate to oh no bills~ adult stress~ but kiana doesn’t. even if she wasn’t born into a family that could live comfortably, and didn’t become an idol making phat stacks, she would feel the same. to her, it’s an inevitability. HOWEVA the beginning lines are 1:1 for how she wishes to be something extraordinary, and is supa insecure that she isn’t. i wish found some better sounds that no one’s ever heard. i wish i had a better voice that sang some better words ... i was told when i get older all my fears would shrink but now i’m insecure and i care what people think

14. true crime by epik high ft. miso

not exactly 1:1 word by word, since there’s several perspectives coming in one song, however, the overall message i think can be summed in it’s a true crime to be without you. other lines like i’d open up my chest for your entertainment, that was the line that drew me to originally put this in the playlist. i’m not sure on a story behind the song, but it strikes me as something bonnie & clyde-esque? there’s themes of being on the run, lying on the pavement dying, stuff like that. that kind of relationship is strongly the ideals kiana holds for her romantic and close platonic relationships

15. shine by pentagon (shouldve been knight but bad bois image PLAYIN)

i cannot explain to u the random joy this dumb song gave me when it came out. it’s similar to power up like i just?? get so happy lol anyway the whole premise is like nerdy person has a crush n theyre like oh my god~ why would u like me~ i cant say i like u~ it’s super fucking cute. i’m a loser who loves you. yes, i’m a misery. to you, i’m a nuisance, i’m an outsider, but in this world, i only need you. that’s where the kiana part comes in strongest, or explains it in one sentence. she worries she isn’t enough for others but her affections are always incredibly strong. also she’s cute

16. tail by sunmi dimensions soloist 2

when i first heard this song, i needed to play it again to pay attention to the lyrics because i had the feeling it was kiana-esque. i was right, but i would say that it’s where kiana could go at her worst. has she been there? i’m not so sure. perhaps teetering on the edge of having her claws out, but really, for now, it’s just that the potential is there

17. she’s my religion by pale waves

so as to not repeat myself too much and because this is so much fookin writing already, this is another song that talks about how deeply and dangerously kiana falls into others. she’s no angel, but she’s my religion, always finding ways to numb the pain ... made me feel like i was finally enough ... she needs this love just as much as me

18. space cadet by beabadoobee

this song has similar themes to alien, but rather than about being special, it’s about being in a shitty place and letting your mind wander to create a better reality. ki has her interests, her extreme love of her fandoms, because it’s an escape for her. that’s not something i personally approve of, however, it’s a common reality for many people. living in these online spaces and thinking of these fictional worlds gives her a place to go to when the irl world is too difficult for her to handle

19. me! me! me! by teddyloid

you might think this is a meme addition and sure! to a degree it is! but i’m also going to talk about it as an actual piece of music and visuals. first we’ll talk about the music video. kiana feels complicated about the type of anime fans that oversexualize everything, so in general, she likes a message that’s against those types. the message of addiction tearing real life relationships apart also is something kiana sorta needs to hear. the lyrics of the song itself talk about an all consuming type of relationship, and dissects it to explain how it wasn’t love, but worship, which was dangerous to them both. it’s a song that kiana perhaps would need to take to heart, but i, as her mun, am unsure if she ever will. that depends on the connections she forms, and what types of people are goading her on, or trying to get her to stop

[daily-dose-of-imagines]

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Matchup ♥

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

Hi!~ you can just call me Alex, please!~ I would like to be anon if that is ok lol the fandoms I want are A3!, Haikyuu!!, and Naruto! 🥰 SFW and NSFW is alright with me! 😉 whatever is comfortable lol

Alright so, intro info! I’m a Capricorn sun, Sagittarius moon and Virgo Ascendant. My modality is Cardinal 53%, Fixed 37%, Mutable 11%. My elements are Earth 51%, Water 36%, Fire 10% and Air 3%. My MBTI is INFJ. I’m also a HuffleClaw with a bit of Slytherin. I have was born with Turner Syndrome. I have ADHD, Autism, Anxiety and Depression. I am agender and I use they/them pronouns though she/her are alright since I’m used to those pronouns lol I am still exploring my sexuality, I am very open dating anyone of any gender so I would say I’m bi/panromantic, however I do strongly connect with the asexual spectrum since trust is a big deal for me lol

I had a coarctation or narrowing of the arota at 6 days old and was pronounced dead on the way to Children’s Hospital. I had open heart surgery soon afterwards. My grandmother was told that with all the mental health issues I could have due to TS, I could be super smart or I wouldn’t even be able to remember my own name. The doctor’s said I would be bad at math. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my little brother was 6. Both of them remarried, my dad once and our mol several times. Though, I won’t go more into that lol just to save you the details, our grandparents raised us and life was -is- really messy ahah

I’m currently going to college. I was supposed to graduate last semester, but I changed my major several times in the last 2 years lol 😂😂 I was a biology major and wanted to work in marine bio/ wildlife conservation and start my own rehab places for marine/terrestrial mammals. I am now a Middle School Education major with areas of concentration in science and language arts with a minor in TESL ( Teaching English as a Second Language). I want to teach English in Japan! 😊 As far as grade school, I always made As/Bs witout even trying and I loved to read, so much so that I got an award for it in 5th grade! I was quiet yet loud and super awkward as a kid 🤣🤣 I actually loved science a lot and even took AP courses until highschool because the teacher I would have taken in highschool was a really bad teacher who if he had family members and didn’t like them, he wouldn’t like you. He taught my father and his sister and didn’t like them, so least to say young and impressionable me noped out of that fast 😂😂

For a while, I wanted to be a Forensic Antropologist like Temeperance from Bones! 😊 however, we didn’t have a anthro major at my college, only chem lol so, when I started taking upper level courses, I quickly found I much prefer bio to chem 🤣🤣 I still dislike math as I have my whole life, but since I got to college, I’ve only made below a B in one math related course! 🥰

Ok sorry for a lot of random info 🤣🤣 onto other things! So, I’m very shy and quiet at first, but when I get comfortable around someone, that’s when the wierd comes out 🤣 I’m very passionate about education and science! I am a Christian and am very passionate about equality. I also firmly believe in redistributing millionare/billionares’ wealth.

I grew up watching anime and still love it to this day. I have strong connection with Japanese culture because anime was the gateway into learning about it and anime will always have a special place in my heart because of it! Japanese culture and really most if not all Asian cultures resonate with me because of the morals anime had taught me. I firmly believe in balance and hamrony with nature! I was introduced to kpop in middle school and have been a fan ever since lol 🤣 I also like pop/alternative music lol I like P!NK, Linkin Park, Adele and a few others lol

As I mention with wanting to be a marine biologist, I really love animals!~ 💕💜 my favs are otters, foxes, cats of all kinds, dogs, wolves, dolphins, and honey badgers! I currently have a Korat named Lila (li-lah like lilac) she is a very unique cat 🤣 she’s super curious and sorta a crackhead lol I did have a yorkie terrier named Sarah and a miniature schnauzer named Star, but since last June, we had to put both of them down 🥺 Sarah got cancer suddenly late last year and a few months ago Star had congestive heart failure. They were 13 and 14 respectively. They were amazing dogs! Sarah loved to swim and hunt little creatures and was the energetic one while Star was the grouchy old lady 🤣🤣

I also love anything fantasy/superhero! I love HP, LOTR, and Marvel! My fav genre of anime is shounen obvi lol 🤣Lol I also love learning other languages! I took French in highschool and two semester of Mandarin in college lol ( I need to brush up on both 🤣🤣) I am currently trying to learn Japanese! I wanna also learn Korean, Welsh, and Irish! I hope to go teach English in Japan via the JET program at my college! 🥰 I will more than likely stay in Japan after I stay the 5 max years through the JET program!

I also really love video games! I wanna play Persona 5 soo bad 🤣🤣 Horzon: Zero Dawn, the Legend of Zelda series, the Pokemon series and Animal Crossing: New Horizons are some of my favorites lol

Hmmm… what else to say? 🤣 I am typically the mom friend of the group ahaha oh! I am 4’9” and weigh 140 so I’m kinda chubby 😅 I am very self concious about my body. I have green eyes and I wear small, black rectangular glasses. I have moles and freckles all over my body. I have a dyed blonde bob with a brunnette undercut. I don’t have any piercings yet but I do have one tattoo on my inner left ankle!

I am stubborn, passionate, caring, empathetic, understanding, loving, loud, quiet, awkward, hyper, enthusiastic, curious, and I can procrastinate at times due to my ADHD lol I also love to have plans lol I like things to be organized and clean, but I don’t mind ‘organized chaos’ sometimes lol I am also very loyal to my friends. I prefer having a few super close friends than having tons of aquaintances.

Ok so dating lol um I’ve never actually dates anyone before 🙈 I’m also a virgin lol trust is a big issue for me, like aforementioned my parents divorce affected me a lot and I have a strained relationship with each of them due to the divorce and the events over the years afterwards. Plus, as a Capricorn, school/career is my main focus. I’m so busy with college and trying to figure myself out, I haven’t got time for dating ahaha so my irl soulmate will need to be a hell of a person and have the patience of a saint to deal with me 🤣

Even though I have never been in a relationship, out of curiousity and wanting to be knowledgeable, I have researched BDSM lol 😂 I am definitely not into slave/master, whipping, or anything super hardcore at all lol though, mild stuff like toys, handcuffs, spanking, biting, dirty talk, brat/tamer or daddy (mommy)/ little girl and blindfolds would be stuff I’m willing to try out lol basically, some light pain, toys and anything where I can be submissive and cast my cares away while still being able to be sassy/defiant suits me 🤣

Oh! For the purposes of this matchup, just male characters is fine lol like I said, I’m still trying to figure myself out so, for simplicities sake, assuming heteronorms is alright lol

Hmm as far as a type of guy I like, I can give you some anime examples 😂 Portgas D. Ace from One Piece, Itachi/Kakashi/Shikamaru from Naruto, Roy Mustang (also shoutout to Solf J. Kimblee as a guilty mention 🤣) from FMA!B, Kisuke Urahara from Bleach, Zuko/Sokka fron ATLA, Gintoki/Kamui/Takasugi/Shinpachi/Hijikata/Katsura from Gintama, Daisuke Kanbe from The Millionare Detective- Balance:Unlimited, Shinso Hitoshi/Shindo Yo from BNHA/MHA, Levi/Beel from Obey Me!, Itaru/Omi/Sakyo/Misuki/Tsuzuru/Kazunari/Banri from A3! And many more 🤣🤣 sorry for the long list lol basically to sum it up my type is kinda laid back, a lil perverted, confident, dominant, funny, teasing/flirty, caring, intellgent, mysterious, passionate and stubborn lol

Well, I hope that was enough info to get a good in depth matchup 🤣🤣 I feel like I gave too much but I wanna try to make it as detailed for y’all as possible so you can have an easier time with the matchup ahah thanks a lot, I love your blog and keep doing the good work you are doing! 🥰❤️💜💕 be sure to take care of yourselves and I hope y’all have a great weekend!! 🥰

( I apologize for sending it a second time, but there was some stuff I wanted to add that I forgot to mention until I after I sent in the first one 😭 again, I sincerely apologize!)

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Hello Alex and thank you for submitting with us! And thank you for supporting us! I hope you enjoy the boys I paired you with!

>Admin 𝕋

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𝐼 𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓅 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽...

I choose Kiba to be your Naruto boyfriend! when he first sees you, and how quiet and shy you are, Kiba will definitely want to bring your inner playfulness out! And when he sees that you do have some playfulness in you, he will see that you became comfortable enough around him that your inner weird came out! And that would really pull at Kiba’s heartstrings! Kiba will also find it fascinating that you like different types of culture, and how the world works via science and education! He isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, but he will definitely appreciate how you think, since he wants harmony in the world too! He will love the fact that you love animals and he will love the fact that you want to be a marine biologist! Being an animal lover himself, he will marry you right on the spot, just for that!

Since you are the mom friend of the group, you can totally take care of Kiba! It might not be the best, but Kiba would really love and appreciate you taking the time out of your day to do stuff for him, even if he didn’t ask for it! He will love your buddy, it being curvy and easy to hold onto, if you know what I mean wink wink. He will find your little beauty marks to be charming and I see him poking your moles and freckles every so often when he is bored! And when you tell him that you want to get tattoos, hell yeah! He will want to be there for when you get your first one!

Kiba will love the fact that you are passionate about your studies, and you main focus is school and your career! He will love the fact that you are don’t want anyone to mess up your future, and where you want to go in life! He may be a bit on the impatient side, but when he is with you, he will understand the need for patience and why it is important! He will also love the fact that you are so loyal to your friends! He doesn’t want to date anybody who isn’t loyal or isn’t compassionate to the people around them, so that will definitely be a plus in your book!

For the spicy stuff, Kiba at first would not know what he is doing but once he figures it out, ho boy, you are in a for a treat! Biting, lots of biting, and him being just very dominant, wanting to please you and make you feel like you are on cloud nine! He will let you do what you want, if it means that you are going to like what you guys do in the bedroom! From the biting to the dirty talk, he is up for anything!

I choose Sakyo to be your A3! boyfriend! Sakyo will see your shy and quiet persona and think nothing much of it, but once you get comfortable around him, enough so that your inner weirdness comes out to play, he will be surprised that you were hiding such a fun and cheerful person away from him! He will also like the fact that you are passionate about science and education, since Sakyo himself is definitely one to go to science for something that can’t be explained, and he is one to like education too, since it gives you wisdom on subjects you didn’t know about before! He will love the fact that you love his culture so much, from the anime to the actual history of Japan. He will feel that you super educated on the subject, and will be appreciative of how much you love where he is from! 

Sakyo will find it adorable that you love animals, and he find it admirable that you want to become a marine biologist! It is a hard job, learning about all kinds of animals, and then discovering new ones! Yeah he will find it very impressive! And if you were to ever tell him that you want a dog or some kind of really cute animal, he will never able to say no to you! So you should use that to your advantage! As for video games, he isn’t one for the, but if you ever try to get him to play with you, he will have a hard time saying no! It will frustrate him though, that you’d keep beating him at all of them!

As for appearances, I feel Sakyo wouldn’t care about what you like, it’’s all about what is on the inside, and when he sees that you are a passionate, loving, caring, a mother figure to your friends, loyal to them, and empathetic to the people around you, he will just know that you are the person for him! Seriously, yeah he might like your curvy body, but what will really give make him like you is the fact that you are just a really nice person for people to be around! He will definitely understand the sentiment of having just a few close friends, than having like twenty acquaintances.

Sakyo will love the fact that you’d rather focus on your studies than have a boyfriend that could distract you from your future career! He would be glad to wait for you to accept him, until you are stable in your career and would be able to start dating you like he wants! And for a little spicy time, he would be a dominant as all hell. Like he would be so into dirty talk and taking you to heaven with his mouth. You might tell him you want to some like spanking and biting, and he might be into the biting, but the spanking makes him feel a little weird, so he might do it as often. But! If you ask, him he will have no reason to say no! So you better have fun with him!

I choose Iwaizumi as your Haikyuu boyfriend! Much like Sakyo, Iwaizumi will see you shy and timid demeanor and think nothing of it, and if anything, he will think it is kind of cute, but would have an inkling that you are more than you put out. And once Iwaizumi sees that, yes, you are more than shy, that you have your weird quirks and can be quite loud, he will find you even more cute, what with the way you act around him and not the others! He will find it so cute that you only act like that with him and nobody else! And much like Sakyo, he will find it awesome that you like his culture so much! From the anime to the language, and everything else! He would even offer to help you learn the language and such, to help you better understand his culture! Iwaizumi love the fact that you like superheroes and practically anything fantasy! I suspect that Iwaizumi also love Marvel and such! I also feel like Iwaizumi is extremely good at video games, so when he plays with you, make sure you try your best to win against him!

Iwaizumi will feel a bond with you being like the mom friend, since he has to constantly watch over Oikawa like he is his child! And for appearances, much like Kiba, I feel as though Iwaizumi will see your blemishes and your curvy body and think it is just uniquely you! Something that he associates with you alone! And the uniqueness will definitely get him to really like you! But I feel like he will really like girls in glasses so that is a definite plus for you!

Iwaizumi will love the fact, like the others, that you are a loving and caring person. Someone that is passionate and driven! And the fact that you have all your plans thought out and organized in your own way? Oh yeah, he would definitely like that! And the fact that you are so passionate about your future that you’d much rather focus on that instead of being in a relationship! He’d understand, would he hate that fact that he has to wait for you to be stable in your career? Yes, he wouldn’t like it one bit, but he wouldn’t leave you because of it! Will he wait for you? Most definitely!

For the spicy stuff, ahahahaha Iwaizumi. He is like. A dominant bottom, he’s okay with essentially whatever you want to do, as long you both are having a good time, and you guys are feeling good! As for the biting and the spanking and all the kinky things you want to try out, he’d be into it, he’d just wouldn’t know how to go about it, so it would be a learning experience for the both of you! In the end, Iwaizumi would be into a lot of things you guys tried! So beware what he has in store for you in the future!

[rainywritingsx]

Request: Can I get a bnha matchup please? ;u; I'm a transman, 165 cm, 20 and bi/pan with no gender preference. I'm usually quiet/reserved, monotone/boring when spoken to, but once a subject of interest is brought up, or when im with someone I'm comfy with, my personality does a 180 - I'm loud, sarcastic, and annoying. My sense of humor is all over the place lol Ive been told that I'm "old in spirit" bc I'm really mature when I need to be, even if most of the time I act like I'm 5 lmaoo

I'm pretty chill for the most part, idc what u do as long as it's not hurting anybodyhdjdh im also rlly stubborn but a huge pushover, dunno how that works. I'm both carefree and a worrywart (to both others and myself) and I typically hold my emotions in cause I don't wanna bother others. I try to help others 24/7, even if it affects me negatively. Uhh physically speaking im a lot stronger then look, and I own literally no nice clothes lol its all graphic Ts, cargo pants and hoodies for me

I'm a huge ass nerd when it comes to anything science related, especially paleontology + herpetology. I love all animals (no phobias) and I have 3 snakes whom I adore. I also like to draw and write occasionally. I have severe MDD and SAD, so even with meds I can have really bad depressive episodes and/or panic attacks. This is getting super long so I'll stop now fjfkh thank you !! Sorry if I repeated info I got a shit memory

Before I start, I personally have no experience with MDD or SAD, but I did look up both disorders and I hope that what I wrote about them is okay. If you’d like to correct me, please feel free to do so ^^ 

I’m sorry that this is so long lol, but I wanted to discuss as many things you noted as possible ^^ Hope you enjoy it!! ^^

Reminder that as of right now, requests are closed!

I ship you wiiiith

Hawks!

Your personality reminds me of a rainbow in a way? So, I feel like Hawks would never ever find a day boring with you! Since he has this whole thing of people calling him fast etc, I lowkey get the idea that that also applies to his personal relationships, so having someone with so many fun personality traits is perfect for him.

I think Hawks is mature in a way, just like you are. I mean, he started his own agency at 18 and a few years later he is the number 3 Hero, that definitely does something to you. So I think it’s nice to him that you are the same, while also remaining carefree most of the time. It makes his busy and serious life a bit more fun.

Your chill attitude is yet another thing Hawks loves, since he wants to be that way as well. Also, with his job, he most likely can’t always tell you everything about it for safety reasons. As for whether it’s hurting people… He can’t always promise you he won’t do that, but he will let you know it’s always with good intentions. Villains can’t always be defeated with just talking to them.

It kind of warms his heart when you are worried about him. I don’t think Hawks is really the type to fall in love easily, so if he had any relationships before meeting you they may not always have been genuine. While part of him likes it, he also doesn’t want you to worry. He always promises to come back, and it does make him a bit more careful when patrolling, because the last thing he wants to do is upset his wonderful boyfriend.

Now, when it comes to you keeping in your emotions, this is where it gets a bit difficult. I don’t know exactly how much time you two will be able to spend together, so he may not always be able to be there for you when you’re having a hard time. However, while Hawks appears to be chill, he’s also smart and analytic and notices when you are feeling down. He won’t force you to tell him what is wrong as he knows it’s hard for you, but he does reassure you that you’d never ever bother him and he will always listen to whatever you have to say. However, if it seems to go on for a long time, he might push you a bit more, simply because he knows keeping it in won’t do any good. But also here he can tell when it really gets too much, so if you still won’t tell him, he will be a little hurt, but definitely stop.

He thinks you’re the sweetest person ever, but he also worries about your well-being at times. If he sees you absolutely exhausted but still telling him everything is fine, he will just scoop you up and go somewhere so you can relax for a bit. Sorry not sorry :p

He thinks it’s kinda hot that you’re stronger than you may seem heh, like if you work out or just do something that requires strength and he sees it, he might make a flirty remark about it and appear chill but on the inside he lowkey panics because uhm what how is his boyfriend so attractive???? explain?

I don’t think Hawks cares that much about what you wear really, if you feel comfortable in it that’s all that matters. You could literally wear a potato sack and he will think you’re the most attractive person on the planet. He might even spoil you a little by buying you hoodies and other clothing which he knows you would love. And no, he won’t let you give it back, it’s yours.

I can’t really see Hawks being super interested in paleontology or herpetology, but he won’t mind you rambling about those things to him! While he might not always focus 100% on what you’re actually saying, he will study your face, smiling at how your eyes are lighting up and your lips are curled in a happy smile as you go on and on about it. If you catch him not listening to you, he will just make a remark related to your beauty, partly to see how you react and partly because he genuinely means it.

So you love animals? Bird boi is perfect for you, now he sees why you fell for him ;). He definitely likes birds, i don’t think he particularly adores any animals but I can see him strongly disliking some mammals like cats and dogs (I think these sometimes eat birds sooooo yeah..) He definitely thinks your snakes are pretty cool.

Hawks doesn’t seem like much of a reader, but he would definitely love to see your drawings! He thinks every single one of them is super awesome, and if you ever give one to him, he will definitely make sure it gets a special place in his house, a place where he can look at it easily whenever he misses you or just feels like it.

As for your MDD and SAD, at first Hawks will be clueless on how he can help you out. If you have a depressive episode that causes you to isolate yourself, he will definitely force you to go outside. It could be just walking to his place, or taking you on a nice flight at night over the city. Afterwards, he will bring you to your favourite restaurant or buy you food that he knows you love. You will also definitely be showered in lots of love and affection. If you’re uncomfortable with PDA however, he will only do it when you two are alone. He will also joke around and flirt with you just to see you smile, but if he sees it doesn’t help he will stop.

Same goes with your anxiety attacks, at first he’s completely lost on what to do. Hawks isn’t stupid of course, but he’s aware that every person is different. If he finds out about this before you have an attack, he will ask you what would help you in situations like that. However, if this happens without him knowing about it at all, he can recognise what’s happening and will do his best to get you to calm down first before talking about it with you. Hawks may not always seem like the most serious guy, but when it comes to you he’s dead serious and always careful. 

So, you’d be very lucky to have someone like him by your side :) Once Hawks is in a relationship, he will give his all. And any moment with him is definitely far from boring

[jaypelt]

Cheers for Five Years of Undertale, and its Everlasting Effect on Me

Been a while since I’ve done one of these... I might even be rusty at it! Honestly, what I’ve got right now are more vague thoughts than coherent words in my head. I wasn’t sure if I’d even do this, since I felt it wasn’t entirely necessary. Everybody had so much to say! But spurned on by the display of someone very close to me, the cogs in my head couldn’t help but start turning for me too. So here I am. This isn’t going to be easy, though. Because if you read this, I need you to understand the depth of my feelings. Even if just a little. So I’ll do my best to bare my heart yet again, for the sake of it and everything its done for me. Everything it’ll keep doing for me.

The beginning is usually always one of the hardest parts. A blank space devoid of anything, that you’ve got to somehow miraculously fill with thoughts somebody else could understand. But Undertale is rarely a subject I ever have to struggle so much with. It’s been a long, long five years.

This is re-treading old ground that a number of those who know me are already familiar with, however, I don’t think this would be complete without it. But it will get very, VERY personal. If you’re not comfortable with that, then uh... giving you another warning now. But pushing forward...

Right before UT came out, I hadn’t begun to really unravel quite yet. But I was very close. It was somewhat of a rough transitional period as I moved on from my middle school to high, losing very dear IRL friends and generally continuing to struggle with school, as I had been for years. Untreated ADHD is real nasty. But I’d always had at least some friends, either online, or ones I made throughout the year, to rely on. And I didn’t really think about things. The start of this school year was no different. Even having a... perhaps questionable choice of boyfriend, but, well, he was my first.

I struggled with just about every aspect of school from basically the start, but having a small group, and especially an online partner to come home to everyday, helped me at least get through. In the coming months, however, I’d start to encounter more turbulence. Through aforementioned partner, I met someone who’d come to rely on me far more than he should have. Made even worse by the fact that he was a full grown adult while I was only 14, which will be a recurring trend. And has been for most of my life.

We hit it off pretty quickly, becoming good friends and talking to each other outside of mutual friend spaces. And through that, he started to open up about his problems. Living with a family that treated him poorly, suicidal urges, and particularly, an abusive boyfriend. If you know me well, I’ve probably definitely talked about this at least a little.

My daily routine starting becoming supporting this person through all of his troubles. Sitting in skype calls or exchanging messages for hours at a time on the daily. Rarely did a day go by where I didn’t, slowly sinking into an apathetic pit from overextending myself for the sake of his mental health. I couldn’t even help him improve, all I could do was just try to keep him alive. Which, well, I did. For months.

Everything else fell to the wayside as I was constantly stressed about the life of someone I cared about. Obviously my school life suffered even further. I grew withdrawn from everyone, and kept only to the few online friends I had. However, in the midst of this downward spiral, just before the ball really got rolling, a certain game came out. Exactly a month after it had come out, October 15th, 2015, I’d become interested after all the talk on tumblr about Undertale.

After watching a playthrough on youtube(I didn’t play for myself at first, a pity), It’d personally resonated so strongly and gotten me so hooked that it was something I invested a fair amount of my time into consuming content about. I grew super attached to all these characters that’d made me laugh, smile, cry... just this whole spectrum of emotions. And someone in particular, Alphys, really caught my attention after things had begun to get worse.

She felt so... relatable, though I couldn’t possibly tell you all the reasons. When I think about it, we’re not really the most similar, but something about her just hooked me. Maybe because she had all these things going on that nobody knew about. And that she lied. And felt so anxious interacting with anyone after she’d previously been much warmer and closer. That she was closer to “disappearing” than she seemed.

Whatever the reasons, the months moving further along, consuming content about UT practically became my lifeline. I reblogged heaps and heaps of posts  about it, watched videos, listened to the soundtrack, even started drawing because I’d been so inspired. When I was just stuck in this horrible pit of second-hand depression, it was the one thing that still made me happy. I started to really think about why it mattered to me and how. It’s funny, I’d read books obsessively for years before then, but UT was the thing that really got me thinking. It was all downhill from there, I tell you. Now I’m an artist and a writer. Horrific.

But, unfortunately, for all its good... it couldn’t stop what was to come. I was still getting worse and worse, with no end in sight. I’d already been supporting... let’s call him Phil, for a few months. And in December of that year, my boyfriend completely dropped off the grid for a while. I’d see him appear online sometimes and I’d message him, but no response, then right back to offline. Finally, he came back, approaching me with something he obviously was uncomfortable about.

To make a long story short, he’d come to the conclusion that he was straight, and decided to end the relationship. What’s bad is that... honestly? I was already doing so poorly that I had a hard time caring. But we did pretty much stop talking, and I leaned into Undertale all the more. Anyway, time continued to pass. Not without its few ups, and mostly downs. I got used to being called “mature”, usually followed by “especially for your age.” “Phil” told me that if I were legal, he’d date me. I’ve got a crippling fear of screwing up with people that’s stuck with me to this day, after a few occasions involving him. I considered doing some... not so great things to myself. Thankfully, I was always so averse to physical pain that it didn’t become anything extreme.

As for the few ups, there was “Phil” finally managing to leave his abusive relationship, when he’d tried previously and fallen into such a bad depressive episode I had to talk him down. So that was something. He’d even started going to therapy after the second break up.

Not that it did a whole lot. The school year began approaching its end and nothing had really changed. I’d been going through all the same motions for around half a year or more. My sleep was terrible, I was passing almost none of my classes, had practically no friends to speak of, and just felt... tired. All the time. But during this... the minute beginning of a monumental shift started. Another character in UT had begun to clutch me in his grasp. Even more strongly than Alphys. Flowey. Through the posts a singular person on tumblr had made about him and my experience with the geno run, I came to understand the dumb little flower more. Which is also funny, because he was previously my least favorite. Even, yes, after the Asriel reveal.

I’m having a difficult time weaving together this convoluted timeline of events, but it was around... perhaps March or early April that the person whom I’d been supporting for almost a full fucking year completely disappeared. Without a word. The one thing I’d tried to stick to for so long was just. Gone. So I drifted about with, well, no purpose.

By the end of the school year, it probably goes without saying that I was... not doing great. But one those aforementioned acquaintances I’d only just started to become actual friends with came forth to me with a question. That being if there was some way for us to keep contact during the summer. So I gave her my email, which would turn out to be a decision that saved my life. Because things would only get worse before they got better.

This is getting to be way, way, way too long. So to summarize, summertime came around and I’d been in pretty close contact with... I’ll just call her V. She was... well, unlike anyone I’d ever known. Someone who stood out with the intelligence you could just see in their eyes. Outgoing, charismatic, compassionate... all those sorts of things. We were opposites in a lot of ways. Or, at least, it felt like it.

Some things happened, like “Phil” coming back after months of nothing. Me immediately slotting back into my role of being a pillar of support, but then screwing up and hating myself for it. But honestly, that ain’t shit to the rest of the whole shitshow.

For a bit of context, my parents are divorced. So for most of the previous years, I’d been going to my mom’s place during the summer and staying with her the whole time, to make up for how rarely we’d see each other otherwise. That year... she was beginning to run low on money. She lived next to my granny, but still basically alone, compared to how she’d been staying with someone else in hotels for the few prior years.

After learning she didn’t have enough to pay rent and might be kicked out, she tried to appeal to her mom, who said she wouldn’t let her stay. Why? I don’t know. After that, she spiraled into a panic. And, well, the ever faithful little worker bee, I stepped forward to try and console her in any way I could. She seemed to recompose, at least a little. It wasn’t great, and she thought she’d have to do some unsavory things in order to survive, but... I thought that, just maybe, I’d done something.

But... later that night, she started drinking. Which... well, put her in a mood. Exacerbated by the day’s earlier events and the fact that she was taking medication that responded poorly to alcohol. She came over to where I was sitting, my little makeshift desk I’d put together to set up my desktop, with my little sister just in the other room. Just... a warning for this next part, it’s... grim. More grim than anything else in this thread.

She proceeded to tell me she was going to go upstairs and grab the gun my granny kept in her room. And berated me for thinking I’d done anything to help, saying she “wasn’t like my little friends” that I could simply talk to. With that, she walked away, heading upstairs. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so crushed in my entire life, to this day. I broke down crying, sitting in that chair.

Yet, somehow, I managed to stop when I saw her coming back down. She walked back over, pointed the gun at her head, and told me to give her a reason she shouldn’t do it. And also to this day, I.... still don’t know if I said what was right. It was all I could think of. I quietly told her that if she did it, I’d pick that gun up and do it to myself. Same as her. And I asked if she wanted to be responsible for that.

It was true, too. By that point, I didn’t care anymore.

And if there’s one thing I can say about her, it’s that she’s always cared about me. In a horrible, twisted way especially, that night. It was enough to make her silently pull the gun down, go back upstairs, and put it away. One last time... she came down, walked past me to the front door and simply said “I love you.” before going out to sit on the porch.

I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over the events of that night. I spoke to V afterwards, as I’d been keeping in regular contact, as I said. And even been speaking to her throughout the day about what was happening. I think she was panicking just as much as I had been, and told me to go find the gun and unload it. So I did. Bawling my eyes out the whole damn time. Afterwards, I took the bullets and threw them in the large neighborhood garbage can.

The rest of the night’s a blur. I don’t recall if anything else happened, I just remember waking up tired the next day. My uncle was in the house, as he’d been staying with my granny for a while, but hadn’t been around the night before. I tried to talk to him, but.. couldn’t bring myself to open up. Even though we were pretty close. I went back to my dad’s.

That wasn’t the end of it, either. For the next coming months, I’d get drunken calls and live in fear of being put right back in the same situation. It got so bad that I stopped answering my phone altogether. I broke contact with my mom entirely. I still hate answering or making calls.

Anyway, a few other things happened in the summer, like my applying for online courses. And the subsequent ridicule from my dad’s side of the family for the decision. Tell you what, the stress of taking a test to try and join that online program, then going to golden corral and having to struggle to not cry in front of everyone there was... not the ideal way to spend a birthday. Happy 15 years to me.

So.... that was that. I still went through with online courses and everything kind of... slowed to a crawl. I tried to do school work, but depression and still yet untreated ADHD prevented me from making any substantial progress beyond a few finished classes. For a while I simply... existed in a limbo. All I did was get up, get on my computer, maybe talk to a few people, and play Overwatch. Maybe look at tumblr, as I remained into Undertale. V and I lost contact after school started back up. I never blamed her for it. In fact, I preferred it that way. She didn’t deserve to have such a burden placed on her, and I still... feel guilty for leaning on her so much.

But I’m very thankful. I hope she’s out there living a good life, wherever she is.

And this! Is where we finally get to the not depressing parts! And only... what, 29 paragraphs in? Sheesh... I know I wanted to really illustrate just how shit things were to demonstrate just how much UT did for me, but this is taking it a bit far, isn’t it? Ah well... already made it this far. In for a penny, in for a pound. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! I’m sorry. Truly. And I love you so very dearly.

Time went by and I kept doing my thing. Playing Overwatch(a practically self-destructive behavior deserving a therapy, frankly), talking to the few friends I had that I kept at an arm’s length, that sort of stuff. “Phil” and I no longer talked, thank goodness. Obviously I was depressed as all hell, not bothering to shower, eat, clean up, or do laundry for days on end. I spent more time asleep than I did awake, on most days. Did I say this was where the not depressing part was? I may have lied a little.

Blah blah “more months go by”, you know the drill. Until... I believe, November of 2016. After cementing my love of Flowey ever deeper, I’d started to follow more blogs putting out content for him on tumblr. In particular, the most important ones being I’lltrytobegood, Flowey-Answers, and later happyflowey and Corruptedflora.

It all started with a stream. I joined an art stream of LLA(Lovelyladyartist) on picarto as he worked on ITTBG. I kept quiet for the first few streams I joined, being too anxious to really out myself in any capacity. But little by little, I was coerced out of my shell. Particularly by one SilverKhaos, who I think at the time went by SilverSlayer or something. Anyway, he got me talking. And through that, I started making friends, bit by bit.

Also through the stream, I was introduced to CC(CuteCatDoodles) of Flowey-Answers. I obsessively read through the entire blog in a single sitting, just... having such a good time with it. And... strangely enough, it... got me feeling oddly better. Like I’d finally started to breath after not being able to for what felt like such a long time. If just a little. The next day, I got out of bed early, cleaned up, took out some garbage, and made breakfast. Just a simple plate of scrambled eggs. A simple, easy morning for most any average person. But for me? It was one of the most special mornings I’ve ever had.

Likewise, I did the same with Ding’s happyflowey, of reading through all of it in a single night. My head hurt like a motherfucker, but I tell you, it was worth it. The effect perhaps not as profound, but still very meaningful to me, as well as sowing the seeds of yet more relationships to form. If far off in the future, as far as this timeline is concerned. I still adore all of those dumb, charming little flowers so much. Mania would come to inspire my first ever OC, in fact. Thinking about that blog makes me miss when the UT fandom was more active here, even though I never participated in the fandom at large. But I’m grateful for the memories and incredible amounts of enjoyment getting to read it all brought me. I have way too many cropped images of Hysteria.

I wasn’t immediately better, but it was all the start of something new. I kept up with the streams, also joining in for CC’s. For hours upon hours a day, I’d just hop into them and spend the day talking away. I had something to really look forward upon waking up, starting to adjust my schedule so that I at least didn’t miss TOO much. I was able to really make friends, it felt like. Even though I wasn’t and still am not the most socially adept.

And as luck would have it, because picarto chat was and probably still is pretty unstable to this day, it just happened to go down and that led to... the creation of the discord server! It started off small, but steadily got more and more joiners from the growing population of the streams. LovelyLadyArtist, CuteCatDoodles, BrySkye, Flowers-Without-Pots, SilverSlayer, KRS, Donut, Mr.Quarter, Dragoler, Stilla, Chara, RotmModdy, Rowdy, Dunal, and probably at least a few others I’m forgetting... all names I encountered there and most of which I still see daily.

Through that server, we started keeping up even when there wasn’t any stream going on. Just goofing off and having a good ‘ol time. Already I was... well, doing a helluva lot better than I had before. All because of the gathering of a small community surrounding this indie gem. And even further centered in a niche specifically about Flowey! Who, and I’d forgotten to mention this before, I’d found a surprising amount to relate in. He’d become a big, BIG hyperfocus. Which is why I’d met everyone at all. Truly, it’s crazy to think how possible it is for me to have never come down this path.

From there on, I continued to meet new people, established new relationships. I even got invited to an RP server, creatively named “Flower RP” :p. At first I was hesitant, perhaps not even initially 100% interested. But as people really got into it, I felt an incredibly strong Fear of Missing Out. Leading to the creation of a character still near and dear to my heart.... Zorch. The result of contributions from many friends, from design ideas, to character concepts, and even his name(thanks for that, Rowdy). And... I began to write. It wasn’t great at first. very short form, and I didn’t know how to approach the roleplaying mindset, or even how to properly characterize him.

But over time... I got better. I became more confident. I really got into the nitty-gritty of character writing and discussion. I joined in on hours long discussions about the characters, lore, and narrative of Undertale. I’d wake up just to be there as soon as chat began to move, all the way to the point where everyone was finally asleep. I started to be able to help people again. For months, participating in this RP, in this chat, in this community was what I lived for. The joy that I felt in being among friends all working towards and talking about a common goal and interest is, well, honestly still somewhat unrivaled.

Paci, Pots, Neue, Castor, Silver, Nightmare, Rowdy. Me. All of us joined together in mutual love for a game, spurred on to feverishly create our own content about it. I kept up for months on end, living by the mostly same routine for probably the longest I’ve ever stuck to anything. Eventually... things happened and the server’s gone quiet. We had problems with management, people feeling excluded, targeted, etc etc. It was a very... consequence heavy RP, most of us were almost complete newbies to the roleplaying game, and many came to care rather deeply about the ongoings of it. Perhaps too much. But, well... I’m not sure it could have been prevented.

Sometimes, I still wish I could go back to that point of my life. I know someone else who does too. Even more than me. But I know not to try and emulate the past, as alluring as it may seem. So I push forward. Leading to yet another server with its own events. Clement, myself, Rowdy, Zielo, Neue, Moddy, Vee, Mini, Nappy, Tia, Silver. Some familiar names, some new. All still with the foundation of Undertale, but it quickly became a thing for us to just... chill and talk about anything. There was real love in that place. It was at this time that I even started going to therapy! After some struggling with the family. It helped a lot.

In time, that server, too, went under. For reasons that have long since been buried and forgiven. It no longer exists, after being deleted entirely, but I’ll always remember it. And we did eventually all(mostly) gather back together someplace new, which is still being talked in. Even gaining some new additions recently! If any of you guys are catching this one, I love you!

And we come to the final and most recent group. One I wasn’t actually a founding member of, instead being a late joiner. Comparatively smaller than all the ones before, but filled with just as much love. Pip, Ding, Kink, and Cola. Remember when I mentioned happyflowey sowing seeds, and then didn’t even expound in further detail about corruptedflora? Well congratulations, you’ve reached the payoff.

It all started after I began interacting with the mun of CF, Kinko, and became mutuals with them. We usually just spam reblogged from each other on occasion for a while. That is, until I got messaged, then sent a friend request through Discord. Which, even still, didn’t immediately go anywhere. But eventually... some things led to another, and we joined up in a particular server. Not one I’ll be naming, but times were... turbulent in there. It went under and we lost contact a bit after that.

That is, until completely out of the blue, I just get invited to a server with them and some pals to just join in on Roblox shenanigans. Imagine me, sweating and anxious as hell after getting asked to join a server with two people behind blogs I adore, considering Ding was there too. Cardiac arrest, I tell you. And obviously more than just them too! But the night turned out to be so fun that I forgot I’d ever been so anxious in the first place.

From there on... the rest was history. There’s been many, MANY ups and downs, but I’ve found yet more people I love very, very dearly. And they’ve gotten me to open up about the way I feel the most. In the past years, I could never tell someone I loved them, no matter how much I really wanted to. The words just couldn’t come out, but they... they brought that out in me. And now I can say it whenever I want! Like now! I love you guys!!! So much!!!! And not just you all, but everyone else too!!! And much love to Kink especially for being a driving force behind me making this, as well as just being a goddamn star.

So... as a final ovation... LLA, CC, Bry, Drago/Paci, Pots, Silver, Donut, Quarter, Stilla, Chara, Moddy, Rowdy, Neue, Castor/Skater, Tia/Nightmare, Clement, Zielo, Vee, Nappy, Ding, Pip, Cola, and Kink. As well as some stragglers like Log, Ingrid, and Jai. I’m probably still forgetting some... but thank you all for being my friends. It’s been a long, long five years. And yet, many of you are still in my life. In at least some form. There aren’t words enough to express my gratitude towards every single one of you for the most incredible years of my life and pulling me from what can be called nothing less than the fucking abyss. You all made and continue to make life worth living.

And thank you, Undertale. The game behind all of these relationships.  The game that inspired such strong feelings in me when nothing else could. That made me into an artist and writer. The reason I’m still alive. The game that changed my fucking life and will continue to affect me, I believe, for the duration of it. I really cannot overstate just how important you were and still are. There’ll never be anything else like you.

[bohemian-napsodyy]

Somebody Else is All You Need

Request: Hi! Could I request some rami x reader fabulousness? Not gonna lie I kinda want it to be angsty but if you don’t wanna do that, it’s fine. You can do whatever you want (I just really want angst right now) love your writing :) xx -- requested by @lara-ludbey

Read part two here!

Word Count: 3.5k hooooo boyyy 

Warnings: mentions of social anxiety at a party -- there’s also quite a few heavy feelings (anger and loneliness for the most part) in this one, so please be aware of that as you’re reading if you’re on the sensitive side. 💜

A/N: sorry folks, i got super, super carried away with a backstory i really hope i don’t lose you before the end

also when i said i thrive on angst...

i wasn’t lying so please make sure your seatbelts are strapped tight before the flight thank you

You referred to Bohemian Rhapsody as both a blessing and a curse.

More specifically, it was a blessing for Rami. But a curse for you.

You knew fully well when you started dating that the both of you would have to make the distance work somehow, when Rami flew off to another state or even another country for months at a time to film.

You made sure to Skype each other at least once every other day while Rami was away filming. Sometimes you’d stay up till three or four in the morning talking about everything and nothing, while other times both of you would fall asleep until someone woke up briefly and noticed the video call was still going.

It was really hard sometimes, going to sleep with nothing but an empty space beside you. You managed — you might have been practically counting the hours until Rami came home most of the time — but you managed.

The events of Bohemian Rhapsody, however, proved to be a twist in your tale.

You texted Rami often while he was in London, asking to Skype with you only to have him apologize and reply that he was too tired. You understood, of course. You couldn’t even imagine how much energy it must have taken to be goddamn Freddie Mercury all day, and almost every day. Rami was so strong. You admired his perseverance and dedication to becoming such a complex character.

But as the third month without Rami approached, you noticed something was off.

You were always the one who had to ask to Skype. He never did anymore. Most of the time, you wouldn’t even get as far as Skyping. He was either ‘too tired, babe,’ or ‘super busy, so sorry love!’

His texts were shorter.

You had no clue how his day had been. You weren’t even sure if Brian and Roger were still a part of the film, because Rami never brought them up at all like before. He had been beyond ecstatic when he first Skyped you from London, beaming like a little kid as he told you about his first day with ‘Brian fucking May, Y/N! And Roger Taylor, oh my god!’ there to help everyone out.

But now... you didn’t even know what scenes they were filming anymore. Maybe they had already wrapped, for all you knew. Rami seemed to be very reluctant to tell you anything anymore.

It was like he became a completely different person overnight.

You wanted to ask him what was going on. You desperately wanted to reach through your computer screen and shake Rami’s shoulders, hard, until he snapped out of whatever trance it was that London or Bohemian Rhapsody or Freddie himself had put him in.

But you were too scared. Some part of you thought that maybe you were imagining it all. Maybe it was the distance between the two of you making you overthink things. So you put up a wall, convinced yourself that everything was fine. Rami was going to be back before you knew it, and you’d be able to talk for hours in person about the entire Bohemian Rhapsody experience.

Yeah, that was it, you thought to yourself as you received yet another decline on his end to Skype. Maybe he’s just saving all his stories for when he gets home.

That little glass sliver of anxiety in the back of your mind never went away. And oftentimes, when you gazed at your reflection in the bathroom mirror, you could almost see it lurking behind your eyes if you concentrated long enough.

Rami had been home for a while now. Almost a whole year, in fact. And during that time, all the previous wrinkles had been shaken out and everything had fallen back into place. His weird behaviour was gone just like that, and he never mentioned a thing either.

Rami was back to his old affectionate, caring self. For a long while, in fact, you forgot all about the way he acted strange while in London. 

Until the moment he suggested you accompany him to the Bohemian Rhapsody cast party, that is.

“Please, Y/N.” Rami begged when he noticed your spine stiffen as soon as he mentioned the film. “I know how much you hate going to parties, but I really think you should come. The people are really nice, I promise. And I know Joe, Gwilym, and Ben would love to meet you.”

Your strong dislike of attending events filled with superficial actors was only part of why you reacted so strongly to your boyfriend’s words -- the other half had to do with the fact that this was the first time almost anything relating to Bohemian Rhapsody had been brought up since The London Incident.

You were afraid something (you weren’t sure what, but something) was going to happen to Rami just like when he was in London.

You were scared he’d shut off, and shut you out again.

“Please, babe.” Rami whispered, reaching over and taking your hand. “Just this once. It’ll be fun, I promise.”

You sighed as Rami brought your hand up to his lips and kissed your knuckles gently, silently pleading with you to agree upon going.

Finally, and rather hesitantly, you nodded.

“I’ll go.” You answered. “But please don’t leave me for a long time by myself, okay?”

Rami let out a faint laugh of relief, and immediately pulled you into a hug. His arms were wrapped so tightly around you, you almost had trouble breathing.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” He whispered, one hand caressing your hair and pressing you gently further into him. “We’re going to have so much fun, you’ll see.”

You found yourself gripping your boyfriend’s hand much too tightly in the car on the way there, earning a concerned glance from him.

“Hey,” Rami whispered quietly. “It’s going to be okay. These are some of the nicest people I’ve ever met.”

“Could I stick with you?” You asked meekly. You weren’t sure if it was because of your nervousness around crowds, or if you wanted to try and prove to yourself that you had been imagining the events of London.

“Babe, you don’t even need to ask. Of course I’ll stay by your side. I promise.”

You only managed a nod in reply as the car pulled over in front of the venue. Before you could react, Rami had already gotten out and opened your door for you. You smiled a quick thank you as the two of you headed inside.

Rami had mentioned Joe, Gwilym, and Ben, but he never brought up just how many people were attending tonight. You knew what they looked like, but going by how many people were here, you’d be wandering around the entire night trying to find even one of the three of them. Maybe it would be best to just linger by the bar until Rami introduced you.

“I’m gonna go get a drink,” you told him after tapping his shoulder gently. “Would you like anything?”

He smiled, pulling you into a quick embrace and kissing your cheek. “I’ll be there in a few minutes, don’t worry.”

Sighing with relief, you nodded and returned his hug before grabbing a seat at the bar.

Nearly twenty minutes had gone by, and there was still no sign of Rami. You had already finished one drink, and judging by the amount of people that were still making their way into the venue, you were seriously contemplating ordering a second or third.

You glanced over your shoulder briefly, searching around for any sign of Rami, or even one of his other cast members. All you wanted was to see a familiar face, and that would be enough to cool your anxiety for now. But there were too many people roaming about. Trying to spot Rami in the crowd was like playing a nightmare of a Where’s Waldo game.

You had hit the forty minute mark now. Your heart hadn’t beat this fast since the day you thought it was a good idea to drink four cups of coffee and barely anything else to get you through the day.

Only this time, caffeine hadn’t been in your day at all.

You inhaled sharply, your mind spinning in circles as you tried to justify whether or not trying to find Rami was a good enough excuse to leave the safe little corner you had made yourself at the bar.

He said he would come back for you shortly. That was now over an hour ago.

Just that thought alone (and maybe the alcohol, too) was enough to get you to hop off your barstool and dive into the crowd before the logical part of your brain could convince you otherwise.

Where was he?

People were bumping into you every few seconds. Some said a half-assed apology that never hit their eyes, others glared at you as if it was your fault. You hadn’t even said anything to anyone and you were already hating this party.

Were you going in circles? You didn’t know. How big was this venue anyway? The people never seemed to end.

As you fought to push through a particularly dense crowd, you could’ve sworn the stretch of people was getting longer. Your head spun for a split second.

Oh god.

Your anxiety was getting really bad now. You just wanted to get out. It didn’t matter where you went as long as it wasn’t here.

Where the fuck was Rami?

Someone bumped into you, hard, and you glanced up in shock to find a somewhat familiar face looking back down at you. You thought he looked like one of the cast members, but it had been a while since Rami had last shown you a photo of the others.

“I’m so sorry- oh! You’re Rami’s girlfriend aren’t you?”

You nodded absentmindedly as you went through the three names you knew.  You were trying to figure out if this guy looked more like a Ben, Joe, or Gwilym.

“I’m so sorry,” he apologized once more. “Could you remind me again what your name is?”

“Y/N.” You managed. You were still distracted, your eyes darting around hoping to find even a glimpse of Rami. If you had just bumped into one of the cast members, surely he wouldn’t be far?

“Nice to meet you, Y/N, I’m Gwilym.”

Oh. So you were talking to the Brian May guy, you noted briefly before your thoughts became a scrambled mess again. What if Rami had just up and left the party? What if you’ve been alone this entire time? You knew he’d never do that, but after his weird behaviour in London--

“Are you alright? You don’t look very well.”

You inhaled sharply, feeling the too-familiar sting of tears begin to itch in your eyes. You weren’t going to cry. Not here. Not in front of Gwilym.

“H-have you seen Rami?” You managed to gasp out. “I-I’ve been looking for him for a while, now.”

Something in Gwilym’s face softened, and he placed a hand comfortingly on your shoulder.

“Parties aren’t your thing?” He whispered, even though it was near impossible to hear him through the music. You could only shake your head, which earned a smile from Gwilym.

“I understand. They sometimes make me a bit uncomfortable too.”

You bit your lip, only trusting yourself to nod once more in fear of the tears coming out again.

“I think Rami might still with us all in the back. Come on, we can look for him together.”

You followed Gwilym silently, his words playing over and over in your head. ‘Still with us all’? Did he mean Rami had been with his cast members this entire time?

Gravity seemed to pull harder on your limbs as you wondered if he had truly  forgotten about you.

“I found us all a new friend!” you heard Gwilym announce. As you approached, you saw everyone sitting together on a couch, drinks in hand, laughing as if someone had just told the funniest joke in the world. Your breath was knocked out of your lungs when you saw Rami. And he wasn’t alone.

There was a girl with blonde hair sitting beside him on the couch. Her eyes crinkled with laughter as Rami whispered something in her ear, still oblivious to your presence. She was leaning into him like he was the couch itself, and you felt absolutely sick to your stomach when your gaze trailed to the arm he had tightly wrapped around her waist.

His eyes found yours right then, and you could see the alarm and fear that filled them for a split second before dissipating away. 

You vaguely registered a couple people around you say hello, but you didn’t acknowledge them. All you could focus on was Rami. 

Rami and her.

Who even was she? You wondered. You scanned the rest of the couch and saw Ben and Joe, but you couldn’t recall Rami ever mentioning, or even showing you a photo of, the girl he was with.

Was she the reason why he had been so secretive in London?

“Y/N,” Rami finally said. You noticed how his arm still lingered around the girl, as if he forgot he had pulled her close in the first place. “I was looking all over for you. Where were you?”

‘Looking all over for you’, my ass, you thought bitterly to yourself. It looked like Rami hadn’t even left his spot on the couch since both of you arrived at the party.

“I was right where I said I would be.” You managed to spit out. Gwilym glanced at you, then to Rami, then back to you nervously. He could see what was going on. He looked just as confused as you felt.

“Uh, this is, um,” Rami stuttered, running his free hand through his hair. “This is Lucy.”

She smiled at you, much too friendly for your liking. 

“Hi Y/N,” Lucy greeted you warmly. “It’s lovely to meet you. Rami said you’re a friend?”

Oh no he didn’t.

You were bristling with anger now. Or maybe you were actually shaking, at this point you couldn’t tell. Everything you were feeling seemed to blend together and form one ultimate goal:

Get the absolute fuck out of here. 

You forced yourself to nod. “Nice to meet you.” You managed through clenched teeth. You locked eyes with Gwilym for a split second, and that’s when you broke. 

Tears began to spill down your cheeks and you spun on your heel quickly so that no one else would see how fragile you were. You heard Rami call your name, but you didn’t care. You just had to leave. This was a bad dream, this was all just a bad dream.

So why hadn’t you woken up yet?

You flagged down a cab as soon as you got outside. As you stared at the venue from the window, you were almost expecting Rami to come running out after you. You were hoping he would try and stop you, yank open the taxi door and beg you to stay. You’d be angry, definitely, but you’d stay for him.

But you never saw him near the entrance as your taxi drove away. You never saw him at all.

It was after you had gotten changed into more comfortable clothes and taken off your makeup that you finally decided to reply to the twenty-plus texts Rami had been sending you relentlessly. His messages begged you to come back at first, but they gradually transitioned to demanding where you were. He was afraid. 

You felt bad for leaving him hanging, but then you remembered how you felt at the party. 

It was only when he sent you a rather long text, expressing just how afraid he was for you, claiming he had been searching the entire venue for half an hour now and still couldn’t find you, that you decided to reply with three words:

I’m at home, you typed quickly before turning your phone on silent and burrowing under your blanket on the couch. Your phone lit up as Rami sent a series more of texts your way, but you ignored him once more. You didn’t have the energy to reply any further.

An hour later, you heard the door unlock. You kept your gaze fixed on the TV screen in front of you. Everything felt heavy. You just wanted to disappear.

“Why did you do that? I was so fucking worried about you!” You heard Rami exclaim as he closed the door behind him. You rolled your eyes.

“Hello to you too.”

“Why did you leave the way you did?” He demanded once more. Rami walked into the living room and snatched the remote off the couch. The TV went black in an instant, but you still gazed emptily at the screen. 

“Why didn’t you tell me about Lucy?” You countered. You heard him sigh exasperatedly. 

“Y/N, Lucy’s just a friend-”

“Oh, like how I’m ‘just a friend of yours’ to her too?” You demanded, feeling a surge of energy run through your veins as you pushed yourself off the couch and stood across from Rami. You glared at him, and he sent fire right back.

“You should’ve told me where you were going, you shouldn’t have left like that!” He exclaimed, going back to his initial argument. “If you didn’t reply after the fifty-something texts and calls I sent you, I would’ve been driving around all of fucking LA trying to find you!”

“Rami, you left me by myself at the goddamn bar for over an hour!” You yelled. The tears came back in an instant as you raised your voice, and you swiped them away angrily with the back of your hand. “You said you would be back in a few minutes and you never fucking showed up!”

You saw something switch in his eyes just then. He took a step back, as if you had physically hit him. 

“Shit,” Rami hissed. “Y/N, I’m so sorry, I forgot you said that-”

“I’m not done.” You interrupted. You took a step towards him. “You have no idea how it feels, to try and find someone in a crowd while the entire time it feels like you’re being suffocated! And then I find you with her and she tells me you told her I’m only your ‘friend’? Do you know how that feels?”

“Y/N, I can explain-”

“Oh, please do!” You exclaim, throwing your hands up in defeat. “I’d love it if you could start at the part where you arrived in London, I really want to hear about that.”

Rami sighed, unwilling to meet your gaze. 

“Lucy and I... she helped me work through Freddie. As a character.”

You frowned. “What does that even mean?”

“I stayed in character as Freddie even when we weren’t filming.” He explained slowly. You could hear his voice begin to tremble. “And as Freddie, I really got along with Lucy, she was everything he needed-”

“But you’re not Freddie Mercury.” You whispered. You shut your eyes as you realized Lucy was the reason you barely heard from Rami while he was in London. “You’re Rami Malek. You have a girlfriend, you have me.”

Silence stabbed the both of you like tiny knives. Neither of you wanted to speak first.

“Why did you do it?” You finally asked. “What were you trying to accomplish?”

“I missed you,” Rami answered. Tears had begun to trail down his face now as well. “The distance between us, it was hard...”

“So your solution was to hook up with your co-star?” You demanded.

There was only silence from Rami.

“You know,” you began, as you grabbed your coat out of the closet and shrugged it on. “I tried so hard to maintain a relationship with you despite the distance. I did everything I could to keep in touch with you, but when you were in London you shut yourself off from me. Now I know why.” You grabbed your keys from the hook beside the door.

“Where are you going?” Rami asked urgently, rushing over to you with panic in his eyes. You inhaled sharply.

“I’m going out.” You whispered, feeling a new set of tears spring forward as Rami wrapped a trembling hand around your wrist. It was his fragile way of trying to get you to stay.

“Please,” You managed to choke out. “Don’t touch me.”

“Y/N-”

“Maybe someone else can help you for now,” you added as you unlocked the door. “I don’t know what more I can do.”

“Stay.” Rami begged. His lip trembled. “Please, Y/N, stay.”

You longed so badly to just run back in his arms, embrace him tightly, and just cry. You wanted to tell him you weren’t going anywhere. But after the way he made you feel tonight, after what you saw, after those months of barely hearing from him in London, you knew staying was not the right thing to do. Not right now.

“Come find me when you figure things out.” You answered, your voice cracking. “Goodbye, Rami.”

[mmtaesung-blog]

hello everyone! i’m super excited to be here, as you’ll be able to tell by my overuse of exclamation points throughout this post!! you can call me lena (she/her pronouns) and i operate out of the mdt / gmt -6 timezone. this is my trash son, bang taesung, twenty two years old and a sixth year in baek ho. i have his profile and background pages up already, along with a quick plots page that needs more work but is all i can manage for now, lmao. i’ll drop some more info on him under the cut, along with some general connections under the cut! please hit the like button if you’d like to plot and i will hop into your ims! or feel free to hmu on im or via discord ( just ask! ). can’t wait to start writing with you all ♥

bang taesung, most friends call him tae. the bang 1 canon, for reference!

turned twenty two this year, in his sixth year, was sorted into baek ho almost instantly and has a hell of a lot of house pride as a result

models for the song fashion house--which is incidentally owned + run by his parents, so feel free to cry nepotism! has been the face of quite a few apparel lines and appeared in a few magazines so his face might be recognizable if you pay attention to that sort of thing

a chaser for the varsity quidditch team (go chollimas, go!) and pretty damn proud of it. a bit of a showboat, but he thinks his attitude is deserved because he’s good :’D has some aspirations to go pro but isn’t sure if he wants to lock himself down in one future career yet

majoring in transfiguration. not at the top of his classes or anything, but he generally does well enough. he’s smart yet hates to study, so his grades are entirely a result of whatever he absorbs during class and last minute cramming before exams. his friends help too

born and brought up in seoul; attended yosul middle school prior to enrolling in the yosul school for witches and wizards. lives on campus in a dorm for the campus lifestyle but visits home often (since his parents live in the city as well) 

a pureblood, but lacking the prejudices that come with the status. he doesn’t care much about blood purity at all and won’t really stand for the bullshit some people spout about it at all. has been known to hex people over their trash opinions! 

a really charming + easygoing guy for the most part, basks in attention, likes it when people fawn over him because he’s a hoe like that! but also sort of rigidly moralistic and a prick who never takes things seriously, can be casually and unthinkingly cruel. has a heart of gold and insanely loyal to his friends at the end of the day, though!! 

he’s a good boy, most of the time 

GENERAL CONNECTIONS:

some friends!! especially close in age or in the same year (same major, even). taesung is really easy to get to know + befriend and it doesn’t take much for him to get attached to people

quidditch related plots! whether fellow team members, fans, or antis--quiddtich is a huge part of his life (some might call him a well-meaning jock) and he feels strongly about it, so anything related is guaranteed to get a reaction out of him

exes? he dates around a lot--craves love and affection and attention but isn’t necessarily the best at returning it in a meaningful way, so most of his relationships are short or end badly, but it’s fun in the meantime? 

also flirty relationships, one-sided or not, never going to amount to much in taesung’s mind because it’s his natural setting, but it would be fun to play around with the idea that the other party reads too much into it!

fellow house-mates, baek ho buddies--someone to enable his bad ideas or rep house pride alongside taesung. he’s close to the majority of them, i’d imagine, unless they really exist outside the norm for their house

purebloods who know each other due to family connections but don’t necessarily have the best relationship with taesung? he’s polite on the surface for the most part, but can also be a dick

girlfriends/boyfriends.... again, dates around a lot so would love to have some current relationships for him to cycle through (and deal with the fallout of)

enemies/rivals/the bane of his existence. once again, he’s a dick often without knowing it, so i would love to have a few people hate his guts

give him (1) rival since childhood but with a simmering kind of tension there, always calls taesung a pretty boy and disparages all his accomplishments and taesung says goddamn right i’m a pretty boy but in actuality cannot stand him...

anything you can think of... i’m pretty open when it comes to plots for taesung!! 

[universal-kitty]

For the comfort prompt suggestion: how about Sans? 💖🧡 [Robotarmjokes]

@robotarmjokes   I actually realize I have an old comfort fic I’ve never posted before that involves Sans!! So while this isn’t any “new” content... I think this still fits the bill, especially when it comes down to Sans giving me comfort.Notes: Written in 2017, before we got married/SOULbonded.

   It’s late by now. So late that it’s early. I still can’t quite sleep, distracted by my own thoughts that haven’t settled and trying to figure out ways I can block out the dull ache in my body. (It started with the heart, but when your soul aches, everything ends up aching, too.) It shows itself in a dull, listless stare into everything in front of my view and yet nothing at all; seen, but not processed.

   The TV is dark, the small house is dark, but I still stare at the TV like a show was holding my undivided attention.

   He doesn’t teleport in like he usually does. The door clicks and creaks upstairs, then creaks again before the final click of a shut door echoes in the quiet, empty home. I barely register it, but it’s a lot more than the soft shuffling of his feet. Still in slippers; I see them as he slowly makes his way downstairs and I faintly see pink in the darkness. It’s easier to see his shirt from the corner of my eye, though; white is never hard to miss.

   He’s just as quiet as I am the whole way down, only making a soft grunt as he sits on the couch, on the other end. I’d almost be hurt by that, if I didn’t know that we were both big corner addicts. We love sitting in the corners of the couch, leaning our bad backs into worse positions just because leaning on the armrest is too tempting and feels comfy, if even for a moment... Though we usually agree that one hogs the armrest and the other gets to snuggle up to them. A win-win for the both of us; an armrest and a snuggle buddy.

   ...Maybe I lied a little. It does hurt a bit to see him sitting away from me, staring at the TV now, too. The silence doesn’t bother me too much, but... Not having contact hurts. I’m already hurt, I don’t need more of it.

   So why was he here?

   My head turns to look at him more, and the white speck of light that serves as his eye turns to glance back at me. Words die easily when I’m like this, so we stare at each other for a moment...and then his arm leaves his jacket pocket and lifts up; a sign for an action I had made no signs of showing that I wanted.

   The relief I feel regardless is immediate, and I move as fast as I can without causing a headache, left arm wrapping lightly over his “stomach” while my right curls to his side, fingers under my chin. He’s not that warm, but the gentle weight of his arm on my back is soothing and the barriers I’d been trying to set up begin to crack.

   “...you want to talk about it?” I hesitate. Do I really...? It all hurts to incredible lengths, but I always put myself second in scenarios like this one. Would it hurt them to pass this information along to Sans? Would it really make me feel any better about it? Maybe I shouldn’t, since it’s not that big of an issue anyways... “c’mon. you can’t say nothing is bothering you. you’ve got that look, doll.” He’s quiet for a beat, before following it up with, “...you’ve got my look. you know that worries me.”

   My SOUL immediately aches and writhes guiltily. Primarily, my main SOUL trait is kindness...and to go against that is often a painful effort. It’s ingrained in my every corner of being that I should be kind...but kind to myself, I am not.

   Which is often where Sans comes into play. We’re both broken in various aspects. Unsettled, he wonders if things are going to RESET again. He doesn’t want to feel the deja vu anymore, face the fears of which “kid” he’s going to deal with. Will it be a murderer who steps through the Ruin doors? A wild compass? Another pacifist? Me... I’m just broken. Mental issues, a few physical issues.... Problems with being social and caring for myself.

   For him, I’m here to soothe his fears of the RESETs. I’m here to show his brother, Papyrus, the wonders of Italian food. I’m his love- his SOULmate- that keeps him in check and promises him tomorrow will happen.

   For me, he makes sure I care for myself. Talks me through my depression as much I do the same for him. Comforts me and my own fears in a way all his own, that helps in ways I didn’t expect it to. Doesn’t fix everything, but it helps.

   “...doll? please?” I blink- once, twice, maybe even three or four times- and look up at him. Just in time to watch his eye-lights go from TV screen to me, bone moving to make a furrowed skele-brow. I still almost don’t want to tell him, but I relent in my usual passive way. I can’t not tell him... It would never feel right to avoid him for long, no matter how hesitant I am to say what occurs to me.

   “I just...had a talk with my friend.” Skeletal hands tighten slightly on my shirt and I no longer am looking at him. It’s hard to look at people when I talk...especially when I’m opening up like this. “They were feeling down and needed some comfort. The usual... No big deal. It’s just that...after all of that, they just...left to bed. Which is okay, they needed the sleep, but it hurts a little, you know? I’m empathetic and so not only does it hurt to know that they’re in pain, but then they also recommended me some songs to listen to in order to better understand their emotional state and so the first song they told me to listen to was one that just.... It hit too hard.” My voice cracks a little as my rambling slows a little, blinking rapidly to try and fend off rising tears. Sans is pulling me closer towards him now, other hand free from his pocket to cradle me. I don’t want to cry, but it’s likely about to happen anyways.

   “It just... It was too personal, you know? I’ve always related to songs, but it’s really rare for me to connect with any super strongly...and that song was one of them. It upset me, Sans... I know they didn’t know that it did, but...! I still wish they would’ve asked, you know??” I can’t hold back any longer; I bury my face into his white t-shirt and start crying. It’s not hard to imagine the face he makes- usual blank smile going into a frown and brows furrowed in pain- as he pulls me as close as he can get me to him; until his skull gently knocks into the top of my head. A kiss? Cuddling close? It’s hard to know when your boyfriend is a skeleton.

   “i’m sorry, babe... that’s rough. they really need to check up with you more when it comes to things like that.” The end of his words become more of a frustrated growl and- despite my despair- I manage a weak laugh.

   “Are you...really going to act like that? You can’t expect-”

   “i can and will,” is his quick rebuttal. “i made that mistake a few times too many on the undernet, babe. if people are going to come crying to you, they need to understand that- even as an afterthought- they need to check up on you. you care too damn much. it’s sweet, but it makes me worry.” That brings another few tears out of me, which he quickly shushes and starts nudging his skull against my head. Ah... Now those are skelly kisses.... “you know what i mean. i want the best for you too, you know. i’m not about to have someone know you “so well” only to not know you well enough to know that you fake things... that some things get to you... i love you too much for that.”

   “I know... I know you do,” I sniffle and my SOUL aches again, this time in affection and in frustration between the distance between us. A ripple through the ribcage I half-rest on now assures me I’m not the only one missing on some real comfort and soothing. “...I love you too, Sans. You know that....but you also can’t fault them for that either, okay...? Everything’s tough for them right now. It’s not--”

   “doesn’t mean you’re not having a rough time of it yourself,” he interrupted. I sigh and glance up at him, his gaze lidded and a brow raised. “you can’t say i’m wrong, can you?”

   “...No, and I could almost hate it.” Sans has a chuckle over that, but I quickly follow it up with, “Still doesn’t mean you can rag on them. I care about them a lot, too, you know. In fact, you two are too much alike sometimes... I think if you gave them a chance, you could probably become friends.”

   “unlikely, but you’re cute, doll.” Teeth gently prod my forehead, eyes closing a moment before wiggling up when he pulls away, just so my lips can gently kiss his teeth instead. Not much for a kiss by “normal” standards, but... I’m happy with Sans. Basic human things once taken for granted can stay outside, thank you; having a skelly monster for a boyfriend is fantastic. (Even though he’d try to say otherwise.)

   “...Hey, Sans?”

   “hm?”

   “...Can we SOUL bond for a bit...?” It’s quiet for a moment after I ask, but he chuckles and nods, before sitting up straighter. “don’t see why not. it’s late, anyways. you need to sleep and i plan to lull you there.” That makes me laugh softly, smile staying on my face as he teleports back to his room, the both of us sighing in relief. The comfort of his bed, the familiar scent of his- our- room... It’s homely.

   He tugs my SOUL out first; the green paler than it usually is due to my downturn mood, but brightens a little once my eyes lay sight on it. The core of me knows what it means and immediately hums with excitement, the color brightening. Then comes his SOUL, an upside down, white heart that makes the room a vague, light green/teal color. Mine doesn’t waste any time to get closer, but hesitates a moment before making contact. His SOUL floats still for a moment, then draws closer, and it’s my SOUL that closes the distance.

   He’s sad; doesn’t want me to hurt like this. A little angry still; what kind of person knows how sensitive I am and doesn’t check on me after?? He adores me; still so kind, still so sweet and loving that I protect others til the end and happily love a skeleton monster without a second thought.

   I sigh softly, my kind SOUL’s teal-green finally returning to normal, snuggled up against Sans’ own. It isn’t hard to fall asleep then, eyes drifting shut to “embrace the feelings” fully...before it turns to falling asleep.

   It means that eventually, my SOUL cannot stay away and draws back to me as I’m pulled under, Sans’ SOUL trailing after until it can’t go any further after it’s partner before returning into his chest again.

   Blankets sloppily pulled over us, his arm over me, and asleep to the feeling of love and protection... It’s all I could ever ask for.

[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S2 Ep 44-45: Kaiba Hallucinates a Dead Woman and Then no One Talked About it???

So, for the record, I am writing a little bit to the future here because I did make a little bit of buffer. And this episode had a Hella Random Thing in it and I just want y’all to know I try to create an authentic reading experience--although it’s not like a blind riffing, I clearly watched each episode twice to make the caps and write all this stuff--and I do it one episode at a time so you get a somewhat close to a realistic live cap experience, but like, believe me when I say I did not see this coming.

At all.

At all.

And if any of you were watching this at home and saw this happening then you are lying OR you have been writing a very creative fanfic and this fever dream was also shared by that one guy on this writing staff who really really really stans Seto Kaiba. Lets dive into it, shall we?

Things start out pretty normal, as we are yet tucking another hospitalized person into Kaiba’s floating coma ward.

I’m starting to notice that this room also has sheets which just means when they got to Bakura, they just didn’t feel like tucking that nasty boy in. They looked at him covered in blood and grime and whatever other sweaty layers are all over Bakura and were like “None of us like Kaiba, but we don’t want to do that to his linens.”

And then the episode starts with Joey literally saying this

Now in the actual line of the show, Serenity stayed behind because she wanted to be strong for Mai, a lady she looked up to so much for all of 3 hours. She also said that her brother’s strength inspired her to have the courage to stay well below deck and whatever the hell nonsense was going on up there.

I mean courage is a word you could use to describe it, I would just call it common sense.

Also, look at this Christmas miracle.

I like that someone on the animation team was like “How else are they going to know that Mai isn’t wearing the disk? Draw it on the table. We have to.” and then bam there it is. That is one super random detail.

(more under the cut)

At the top of the blimp, they’ve decided to give Marik a little bit more space.

The Yuge crew must’ve looked at this situation and been all “I can stand next to Marik, or I can appear to root for Kaiba.” And they made their choice.

Below deck we get to see one of my favorite things, that’s right, it’s fake UI for TV shows.

these look like windows you pull up in Maya when you’re trying to find the right vertex or something. Maybe that’s what inspired all this? I dunno, it’s very silly that he would need the same image of a card twice, and that he would need one flipped and in wireframe. Especially since all they're doing is translating a language.

Or maybe he’s just been dogging Kaiba for half an hour before this episode started? Who knows, but honestly, I kinda have to side with Kaiba on this one, moving Mai would be a bad choice since there’s doctors--right there--but like...they should land the blimp though. Like the blimp with a murderer on it maybe needs to land at some point?

But never mind that, there’s cards to be played.

Or...not played.

It takes Ishizu so long to show up that Roland almost cancelled the game and I was so ready to not have to watch a card duel. I was so ready for that to be the canonical end of Ishizu but of course that didn’t happen.

PS, Marik is permanently glowing now.

Kaiba still doesn’t believe in magic and this guy has a constant third eye. So did Yugi all of last duel and Kaiba was just like “I don’t get your weird fashion” and tbh that’s a fair assumption to make.

To be fair, they probably only have once source of not cursed jewelry living underground, and it’s probably why their so matchy-matchy. Like, we all have that one Aunt (I was that one Aunt for a little while) with an Etsy shop and way too much inventory that they just give away to family every birthday and holiday. Judging by how much jewelry these two are wearing, their one Aunt isn’t doing so hot selling her merch.

Anyway, Marik’s good side makes an attempt to reach out and it doesn’t get him very far.

Honestly, when you look at it, there’s more people here from Kaiba’s extremely close school class than there is from the Ishtar family. And they don’t even know that Odion is also related. Sort of calling the kettle black here.

Again, ancient Egyptian Samurai with Yugioh cards would have been one hell of a spinoff with so many problems, where is that anime?

So, the game begins, between a mostly-neutral-antagonist and a protagonist who has done nothing but lock herself in her room in the dark for about 1/4 of a season. I have literally no idea who I’m supposed to be rooting for. Neither does anyone on the show.

Things went about as well as you’d expect dueling a psychic, because Kaiba has learned absolutely nothing from dueling Pegasus.

*Mokuba still has the whistle*

Anyway, because Ishizu can read the future, she knew she’d be going up against a dude who relies on very big strong dragons, so she straight up removed every strong card from his deck, leaving only six cards. 

It’s at this point that he only really has one option, to play a Blue Eyes White dragon, which he had in his hand still, or to play the God Card Obelisk which I think was still on field? Again I don’t pay too much attention to the duels but the big thing is that he’s gonna use Obelisk, so Ishizu cursed it so it would hella kill him.

Much like any of the God Cards have done thus far. The worst cards. These are the worst cards and at this point no one should want them anymore. But youknow, hubris.

This is all pretty run of the mill since every time Kaiba duels, he gets hella dunked on, but then...this happens out of absolutely no where.

WHAT?

SHOW.

The least dateable guy in Yugioh!? How is it Kaiba--a past version of him mind you--but a shirtless Kaiba who’s got some lady draped across his arms like he’s gotta model for the cover of a Harlequin romance novel for old ladies? Which...I can arrange that.

Why--out of all of these boys, was it this one that has something the most resembling a fully formed relationship? More so than Tristan, more so than Yugi, more so than whatever was going on with Joey last episode.

What!?

WHAT?

This came out of no where like a jump scare!

And like, here’s the thing, if Kaiba was your slice of pie from the weird ass hair dessert tray that is Yugioh’s selection of husbands, that’s fine. Ship away. But like, imagine with me here, you have a boyfriend--and if you don’t like boys that only adds to this experience--you have a boyfriend and he has the most normal hair of anyone you know, and that’s really great. But his voice ALWAYS sounds like he’s announcing an NBC cop drama. Like you’re eating dinner and he’s like “Can we watch the food channel?” like he’s solid snake.

You’d kill him. You’d kill him way before you end up dead draped across his arms in some weird flashback. You’d straight up kill him.

Sorry, I just made him a lot more attractive for half of you. Whatever, my plan backfired.

But, despite...how...he is, now Seto has one of the most tragic of all the relationships on this show, up there with Pegasus and his dead wife. And so like, I turned to my bro and was like “WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED??”

Cuz this show that has very, very little dating in it. A show that has had no physical kissing unless you count that time Pegasus macked a ghost. A show where someone almost got married to someone they never dated in their life and they shrugged it off. A show that had Mai and Joey friendzoning the hell out of eachother rather than admit any sort of crush. A show where Tea and Yugi went on a date but then I guess forgot that happened 20 episodes ago and are now in permanent friend limbo. (Tea and Yugi so far having the most realistic dating experience tbh.)

This is just straight up here’s a picture of past Seto, and his dead wife is here too, no explanation! Have fun digesting that!

(wouldn’t have noticed they forgot to finish Yugi’s necklace if I hadn’t done the cap. hm. So fast I blinked and missed it until I wrote this copy.)

And like, I’m making it seem in these caps as if these characters talked about what I just witnessed in any degree and straight up they didn’t. Of course they didn’t. Kaiba didn’t want to discuss this crazy ass thing that happened. Just me. I am the only one that’s talking about this in 2019. Just me.

So I turn to my bro and was like “you have to tell me what just happened” and bro was like

“Sorry to disappoint you but...I’m pretty sure that dead girl never comes up again.” and then he kind of continued “I’m pretty sure Kaiba sacrificed his one true love in order to get his Blue Eyes.” and I realized “Bro, is this just a headcanon you made up? Are you telling me your spicy Seto Kaiba fanfic as if it’s true just like that one time you told me that Yugi’s Grandpa ate a guy in Egypt and I believed you for 30 episodes?” and bro was like “Mmmmmm It’s probably a headcanon. I’m pretty sure they dropped Kaiba’s dead girlfriend plotline completely off the face of the Earth. Like a LOT of plotlines from s2, Rach, don’t get attached.”

So, because Kaiba believes that his.......dragon.......told him to play a dragon, Kaiba sacrifices his Obelisk to play a dragon--thus removing the Obelisk curse.

So if it’s strongly suggested that Kaiba’s love for this dragon is youknow, an equivalent to the devotion you would have a for a dead wife you have cradled in your arms, then -- has Kaiba been dating this dragon the whole time? Is that what the show just seriously suggested to me with this juxtaposition? Because I am an illustrator and if I wanted to make someone look like they had an intense and complicated relationship with a playing card, that is how I would draw it. Just saying.

And like for serious, how is it that Yugioh keeps writing it’s own fanfic? Like, is this dragon infused with the spirit of his dead wife? Is that why his reincarnation has this weird fixation with the Blue Eyes White Dragon? OMG this is absolutely ridiculous, I can’t believe I’m considering that Kaiba was literally married to what is now his paper card of a dragon. Of which he has 3 of.

Clearly I am thinking way too much about this.

I mean to be fair, Kaiba did save Tea that one time. He also took out a helicopter and a crane at the same time but Tea was just fine.

Oh boy.

That was so freakin random. Well...I’m glad that Kaiba got back together with the dragon. They had sort of a breakup at the beginning of the season and now KaibaxDragon is back in full swing. Good for them.

This was the only guy smart enough not to play a God Card, PS. This guy. I guess if Seto fell in a plot coma the entire tourney would be essentially over, so...it had to happen this way.

But dead wife, amiright?

Here’s a link to read from S1 Ep1

And PS in case you don’t know about the Billionaires and Baby’s books that have--I swear to you, like 400 books in the series--please admire the billionaires and babies books. Never read them. But I like to spread the news of these completely insane and real book covers wherever I go.

[musicalmukebox]

Let’s Get (Back) Together | l.h. (6)

Ctto of the gifs used!

AU: Parent Trap Dad!Luke

Summary: A strong love which led to a strong marriage and twin daughters. Yet in the end, it didn’t turn out so well. You strongly refuse to encounter him ever again. But what happens when both of you coincidentally send your twin daughters to the same summer camp in Florida after 10 years?

Word Count: 3.8k

Warnings: swearing, mention of sex, hate comments 

A/N: Ahh, this was really hits home to write. Enjoy! 

I don’t own Parent Trap and its ideas. It’s only used as inspiration.

1 / 2A / 2B / 2C / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13 / 14 / 15

Feedback/Questions/Others? Here.

-

2020, New York

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N): From Music Video Extra to Real Life Girlfriend Real Quick”

“More than 5 seconds: Luke Hemmings shows off new girlfriend in santa monica”

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N): To Amuse or Use Luke Hemmings?”

Those were some of the many headlines of different articles talking about your relationship with Luke. Yes, they were showing negativity, and they hurt you because they weren’t at all true. Why not speak up, right? But you chose not to. You shielded your actual feelings because you didn’t want to stress anyone else out, especially Luke. Having him as a boyfriend has its cons, commonly with the media and paparazzi. You knew that this was bound to happen, so you just braved the media with a fake smile. 

One cold afternoon, you and Luke decided to act touristy in New York before he has a show that same night, alongside the boys and Eleanor. You needed a getaway from Los Angeles, and you thanked the heavens that you had a 2 week break before you go back. Much to your luck, that day was a very happy one. Eating pizza in different pizza places with the boys, taking a lot of photos courtesy of Eleanor and strolling around Times Square and Central Park with all good vibes?

Shit, things were going right for once.

When you guys were headed to enter at the back exit of the venue, the boys decided to meet some fans and take some pictures with them too first. For sure, Eleanor was down since she’s in charge of making the tour videos. You joined it because why the heck not? You want to see your boyfriend happy and maybe help take pictures of him and the fans anyways. 

Walking towards the long lines, fans were instantly screaming excitedly, their idols right within their vicinity. Just thinking about how hardworking the boys have been with their music and their fans loving it so much because it’s relatable and well-written warms your heart so much. Not just that, the fans were so orderly; no mobbing nor grabbing of the boys’ hair or clothing while they await their turns. Seeing their genuine smiles is a quick happy pill. 

“(Y/N), can you take our photo?” Luke handed you a fan’s phone for you to capture their cute moment, which was the girl was being piggybacked by Luke. As you did such, Luke gave you a hug before you handed him back the phone.

“Thanks, babe. You’re the best!” He thanked, kissing your temple and getting aww’s from the fans. 

“(Y/N)! (Y/N)!” You are called out by a group of different fans who just finished taking their photos by the boys, which naturally urged you to approach them. They didn’t expect that you’d respond, making them squeal.

“Hi girls! How are you doing?” You greeted. 

“We’re doing great! Super excited for the show later!” One girl shared.

“Same! I’ve been waiting for this day for 2 months.

“Hyped and ready to cry.” 

That last response made you laugh. You asked other questions while those fans did the same with you. Pretty much, it was a back and forth interview. Your responses are in bold.

“Are you all from New York?” 

“Born and raised.”

“I’m studying here, but originally from Maine.”

“Any of you bring posters or anything else?”

“I have a mini poster that says “let’s take shots!” in all caps!”

“I have two roses, in case the other one gets lost.”

“What songs are you ready to hear live?”

“Valentine! This is my first 5SOS concert, and I really love that song.”

“Lie to Me. Gives so much goosebumps.”

“Vapor. Pretty old but it’s really beautiful to listen.”

 Switch sides. 

“What’s Luke like when you’re hanging out alone in his house?”

“Always chill, really. To be honest, he’s into cuddles. But one main thing that makes me come back more is Petunia, so shh.” You joked, putting your pointer finger against your lips.

“What’s your most favorite thing about Luke?”

“He makes me laugh over small things, like sending me random boomerangs when I’m in class.”

 “How about your least favorite?”

“One would be when I’m studying, he tries to distract me a whole lot with almost anything his mind can think. Another is hoarding my instant ramen noodles.”

 “How did you guys confess your feelings?” 

“New Years Eve. We were really drunk and just admitted it. You now what they say, drunk words are sober thoughts.” You half-lied.

 “So is the sex great?” One fan fired at you, getting everyone’s attention. You were put on the spot, getting giggly and slightly pressured.

“Best sex ever.” You whispered away, getting them to squeal more. Another fan asked you if she could have a selfie with you, which you happily accepted and then smiled at the camera.

 “Thanks a bunch, (Y/N). Let me just say this, you are so talented and screw the haters! I can’t wait what you’ll do next.” She compliments, your heart feeling warm once more as you gave her a hug as a sign of thankfulness. “Thank you, love. I appreciate it very much.” 

 “(Y/N) (Y/L/N) is a user!” You suddenly heard someone shout. 

“(Y/N), you can fuck off!”

“(Y/N), leave Luke alone! You don’t deserve him!” 

 These phrases were attacks on you, and you froze in fright and anger. You turn to where those fans were and bound to speak your mind, but was stopped by Eleanor, whose hand gripped on your arm.

“Not worth it, (Y/N). Now come on, the boys are entering inside and we should too.” Following orders, you bid goodbye to the fans and finally entered the venue, which was a lot warmer than the chilly weather outside.

-

“Thinking 'bout you lots lately, have you been eating breakfast alone like me?”

The show was in full swing. The lighting was on point, good vibes and music too. You were at the balcony area, jamming to Moving Along and swaying your hips alongside Eleanor, who just finished filming excerpts for the video. As the boys played the last chords of the song, the next part would be talking of some sort, which could be a giving thanks one or a roasting session, pretty much anything.

“New York, how are you feeling?!” Luke hyped, the screams of the fans getting louder. 

“You guys have been awesome so far, and wow, I love my job so much!” 

“God, Luke, how many times have you said that on this tour?” Calum asks humorously.

“Too much! But shit, thanks for all the support you’ve given Youngblood!” He raised his mic stand, having some lights flash behind him as he did. As he put the stand down, he looked over at Michael, about to speak again but chiller.

“Let’s get a bit serious for a moment, guys. Hey, Michael. I have a question for you.”

“What’s on your mind, Luke?”

“So, you and Crystal are going 4 years strong now, right?” Luke starts, getting some cheers from the audience.

“Yup, 4 happy years yeah!” More cheers erupted.

“Nice one, buddy! Moving on, did you or Crystal get any hate about that? I’m pretty curious.” Yup, Luke just did that. 

“We did, but it was mostly on her. It made me sad when she’s sad whenever she comes across tweets towards her. There have been times where she was crying to me because it got too much.” Michael’s happy expression turned sour. 

“Sending hate is really low of someone, honestly. When you support the band, you shouldn’t judge whoever they want to date.” Ashton speaks up.

“I have another thing I want to say if you guys don’t mind. So awhile ago, I was taking pictures with a bunch of you guys, then I overheard some fans bashing on my girlfriend. That’s really uncool and hurts a lot to hear.” Luke confronts, disappointed. The crowd grew silent, so intensely it could be cut with as a knife.

“I heard the same with Eleanor actually. Really, guys? How would you feel if you hear when someone says bad things to your friends or family when you’re around?” Calum adds, looking down at his shoes afterwards and adjusting his bass guitar strings.

“To be honest, it’s better to send positivity than negativity, it’s what we need today. If you don’t like them, fine go ahead. Just don’t be vocal about it especially online because we see everything. And to (Y/N), I know it’s a pretty public way to proclaim it, but I truly love you.” Your heart jumped. This is the first time he’s said the big “L” word towards you, full-heartedly and romantically. Not counting the platonic ones from when you were still just friends.

“Aww, too much feels tonight! Fuck hate, love love love! Now, the next song is Talk Fast! Let’s go!” Ashton beamed before hitting the first beats of the song on his drum kit.  You continued to watch Luke from above, his purple glittery eyeshadow sparkling in the light and gripping on the microphone as he sings those lyrics. He noticed, giving you a cheeky wink which made you shake your head in flattery and the crowd go wild again.

-

“Nice show, fellas!” You hear some crew members say to the boys from outside. They just finished, and you and Eleanor were by the dressing room, opening up the bottle of Jack Daniels and a liter bottle of rootbeer. Trust me, this is good shit. Mixing the concoction on a pitcher, you could hear the door creak open, signaling you that the boys are going inside. Turning around, you see 4 sweaty boys, still on a high after performing and holding red cups already.

“Fuck, never gets old!” Michael cheers, lying down on the couch. “What you making over there, babe?” Calum approaches Eleanor from behind, hugging her waist and nuzzling his head on her shoulder. 

“Rootbeer and Jack Daniels. Figured we should try something new, something that isn’t Corona.” Eleanor keeps mixing before removing the spoon to take a sip. Her face puckers up a bit.“This is good! Get your red cups, guys!” You were first in line, pouring the mix on your cup, sipping it. It was strong but sweet.

“I love it!” You continued drinking, but as you stopped, your eyes focused on Luke, sitting on the couch and scrolling through phone. Making your way to him, you sat beside him, putting your head on his shoulder. “Whatcha looking at?” 

“Twitter. A lot of fans took videos of that band speech awhile ago, and it’s getting popular.” He answered in monotone, eyes still glued on his phone. In order to get his full attention, you stood up and got his phone from his grasp

“What the fuck, babe?” He complained, arms crossed before standing up. You forgot for a second that he was really tall, urging your head to tilt upwards.

“Can we talk outside first, Luke?” You bluntly ask. When he nods, you discreetly exited the room, but you hear someone say “oh shit” before you close the door. Walking to find a hidden spot where no one is around quietly, Luke momentarily felt he was in trouble. Was it because he confronted his fans like that or suddenly putting you on the spot with the big “L”? Finally, you found a spot which was near an exit, then Luke broke the silence, nervous.

“Okay, I don’t know for sure what I did to make you annoyed or whatever, so please te-“ You cut him off by softly planting your lips on his, tiptoeing to reach his height. Well, slightly.

One hand was on his shoulder and the other was on his cheek. His hand went under your shirt, feeling his fingers linger on my skin. His vacant hand went to your waist. He wanted more by tugging on your shirt, but you let go before he did could remove it, your forehead resting on his so you could breathe for a bit. His blue eyes opened slowly to yours eyes, giving him a loving smile. 

“Luke, I love you so much too.” Pretty cheesy you thought, but it made the butterflies in your stomach go away. He was everything you wanted in this life. Luke was on cloud nine, lifting you up, your legs entangled on his waist and his hands under your thighs for support.

“You are worth more that the haters, alright? They’ll go through me if they attack again.”

“You know I can defend myself, right?” You played.

“But let me help you, it helps me with my self-esteem.” He wiggled his eyebrows. 

“Whatever, babe. Shut up and kiss me again.” He did as told, his lips crashing your alcohol dripped lips. Tilting your head a bit, his mouth opened up a bit so you could get more access. He bit your lower lip in between, making you moan.

“That never gets old.” He says in between kissing. 

“That’s what makes me love you more.”

-

2034, Los Angeles

“Oh yay! Thank you very much, goodbye.” You hung up the phone call. It was the designer in charge of finalizing the details on your gown that will be worn in your Australian premiere of Take Me or Leave Me.

As you did such, Stella walks in the room, holding on her fuzzy bunny Kira. You couldn’t decipher what she was feeling as she kept a straight face, but you can see her sleepy eyes blinking slowly.

“Morning, bub. Come stay in bed with me, let’s have breakfast in bed.” You insisted, patting the vacant side of your bed. She comes closer and tugged on the bedsheets, entering herself inside but still with a frown.

“How was your day yesterday with Mark? He told you that you watched numerous films and ate a lot pizza.”

“I did, and it was really fun. How was last night for you?”

“Really fun. Date nights with uncle Tim are filled with jokes, awkwardness and really good food.” She smiles, then frowns again.

“Are you okay, Stella? You’ve been frowning since you lied in bed with me.”

“Well, I need to meet up someone tomorrow, but I don’t know what to do next.” She squirms, instantly hid herself in the blankets.

“Stella, come on, talk to me.” You try to pull down the sheets, but Stella’s grip was stronger.

“Stella! I need to meet up with Stella. She’ll be here tomorrow.”

“O-kay, but where could she be right now?” You squint your brows at her nonsense.

“Sydney, Australia with her dad Luke Hemmings.” You froze. Your grip of the blanket softened, lifting it.

“You’re not Stella?” You were in disbelief, thinking this is a nightmare and very eager to wake up. You pinched your side, wincing. Sadly, you’re awake.

“Hello, mum.” Rebecca crawled out from the covers, hearing the strong Australian accent just like his.

“Oh my god, you’re Rebecca?” She nods slowly. You put your hand on your mouth, trying to comprehend the situation.

“Stella and I, we switched places. She wanted to see dad and I wanted to see you. I’ve been waiting for this moment to happen, and I wanted you to love me as me, not as Stella.” Rebecca explained in full in order for you to catch on why she is here. You wanted to cry, but first you gave her a heartfelt hug. “Oh poppet, I have loved you all this time. I missed you.”

“You called me poppet. Dad still calls me that.”

“That was always our nickname for you because you laughed at the sound of Stella’s mouth bubbles when they pop a lot, which is also why we called Stella bub.”

“I missed you so much too, mum.” As you were a having a moment, it was cut as you hear Mark crying a bit as he held your breakfast tray. “I’m so sorry, miss. This just made me happy.” He put it down and exits quietly, also closing the door. “So what happens now? Will you switch us back?” Her blue eyes she inherited from her father looked nervous.

“Well, technically, you belong with your dad and Stella belongs with me.”

“Wow. This set-up is such a bummer, mom.”

“I know, poppet. I’m sorry that’s what we planned.” You remained silent, letting some tears out.

“They’ll be in Los Angeles tomorrow. Dad has a few shows here, working in the studio all week with the band and attending the VMAs too. Don’t you get invited to go to the VMAs every year?”

“I do, but I stopped because-”

“Dad was there.” She finishes your sentence, disheartened.

“Yes.” You frowned at the fact. Just imagine you going right after that divorce and the years after, it would cause tension and a topic different media outlets would use to their advantage. Just no.

“Well then. You better tell Gina that you’re going and get the show on the road!” Stella cheers, getting up from the bed and raising her arms in celebration. “Yeah, let’s get it.” You say, anxiously dreading with what’s to come.

-

“I fucking can’t with this.” You kept going in and out of your walk-in closet, breathing out the smoke from your e-cigarette which you haven’t used since the divorce out of stress. Mark was also there, holding some outfit choices you picked earlier. Gina just arrived 10 minutes, being oriented by Mark that you know about the situation. She was also in the room, contacting the organizers of the VMAs of the last minute changes to your acceptance of invitation and arrival.

“I haven’t seen Luke Hemmings in 10 years, although hearing about him and his personal and band life wasn’t easy to swerve away. And to see him tomorrow already? I’m not mature enough for this!” You ranted, brushing away some hair because it was messed up. Pacing the room back in fort, breathing through the e-cigarette and letting out more smoke, you spoke up again.

“If he didn’t drive me crazy and angry all the time, we would still be married.” You made your way to Mark, comparing out the different outfits. “Gina, dear, which do you like better?”

Gina, who just finished texting the final details, looked up from her phone and examined closely what you chose. One outfit was a red plunging neckline, spaghetti strap dress with a slit up until your whole leg with red ensembles, and the other was a black dress also with a plunging neckline with a much shorter slit on the side with black heels.

“Nice to see you you like plunging necklines.” She chuckles. “The red one. You can wear the black one in the afterparty.”

“Afterparty? I don’t think it’s appropriate since Rebecca’s with me.” You implied. “Well, the organizers insist you’d come! It’s been a long time they said, and they would want you to have a comeback. Besides, they want to meet Rebecca too.” You pondered for a minute. You were just concerned on how Rebecca would react to the paparazzi in LA, the flashing lights on her. But then again, she was probably used to it with having Luke as her father in the first place. “Okay, I’ll go. In one condition.”

“What is it, miss?”

“Well firstly, Gina, I have known you for all these years and I don’t know what I’d do without you getting through my hectic schedule and career, so I was wondering if -”

“I’d go with you to both the events, take care of her and make things easier?” She said the words straight out of your mouth. You gripped her shoulders, nuzzling your head.

“Oh would you please! Thank you so much, and you don’t have to go as my assistant, just as a close family friend, which is a fact too.”

“No worries, miss! And as a friend, when I am seeing my ex after 10 years and had your looks,” Her hands this time gripped on your shoulders and brought you to the vanity mirror and chair, sitting you down. She opens one drawer and brings out a silver choker and assorted rings, then puts some hair on one side. “I would have this getup on. You will slay it! Whatcha think, Mark?”

“You’re gonna kill it, and him too!” He exclaimed.

As this occurred, Rebecca was behind the door, giggling at your frantic self. She liked that you really wanted to make a bold entrance to your crazy man of an ex-husband and to the media as well. Entering the room, you were lying on the bed, still vaping out smoke.

“Mom, stop that! It’s not healthy!” She came to your side, grabbing the e-cigarette, giving it to Mark. “Hey, I need it!”

“Hide this wherever, I don’t want her to die just yet.”

“No problem, bub.” Mark leaves the room, sneakily smoking a bit of it. Luckily, you didn’t see it because you would grow even madder. “That thing costs a lot, you know?” You told the blonde girl, now drinking out of your flask, tasting the familiar taste of vodka. “I know, aunt Eleanor has one just like it.” She answers, also saying a name you haven’t heard in so long.

“Aunt Eleanor? How is she?” You chimed in, focused the whereabouts and state of your once close friend in your twenties. It’s been ages since you’ve heard about her, the last being when you told her about the finalization of the divorce.

“Great, she and uncle Calum are great and also happy. You know her?”

“She was one of my closest friends, who is your godmother. Dad didn’t tell you, huh?” She shakes her head. “Well, I miss her very much. She was one of the people I cut off ties with because I was too hurt after I separated with your dad.”

“That’s awful! You should reconnect when they come here tomorrow or something when you talk to dad.” Rebecca reacted. You regret cutting off ties, but talking to her will remind her of Luke because it was the tour life that bonded you with her a lot and it will be so painful. You got to do what you have to do in order to be sane once more.

“Speaking of your dad, does he know about the switch-up?” You question, sitting up from your previous position in order to look at her properly. “Yes, Stella just messaged me a while ago that she told dad.” She makes up, trying to comfort you so you wouldn’t worry anymore. But you weren’t aware of such.

“Yikes, I’m going to have to mentally prepare for that.” You say, putting your palm on your face. But from your peripheral view, you watched how Rebecca pouted, full of sadness and fright. This isn’t normal for an 11 year old to handle, and this is a nightmare as well for you to deal with an ex-husband when things didn’t work out like it used to.

“Oh poppet, your dad and I will work this out, okay? I got this under control.” You reassured her, her saddened eyes brightened, feeling hopeful as she hugs you, falling on your back. You tried not to cry or tear up yet despite the temptation.

Truly, the guilt pangs your heart for leaving but glad that you are reunited. How dearly you missed this girl.

[multsicorn]

stanley cup coming out thoughts

[possibly up for revision!  who knows.  if not, we can ~agree to disagree.]

But I can’t seem to accept or believe that Bitty has an obligation to come out to his parents before he comes out to the world, or that Jack has an obligation to tell his team, his agent, etc., that he’s going to come out now before he does.

It would be nice, it would be probably helpful, it might possibly avert negative reactions of all sorts... these things are absolutely true, and I’m up for diving into them fictionally!

Whether it’s Suzanne being hurt that Bitty’s been hiding this from her, and guilting Bitty about it, making the issue into ‘didn’t you know you could trust me, am I a bad mother.’ - Which I think is in-universe the most likely thing to happen, though it’ll be glossed over super quickly if present at all on screen.

Or whether it’s George going ‘I was mad last night, but now I’ve moved on to being disappointed, you do realize that by doing this without talking to anyone you’ve made the fallout on everyone many times harder.’  And Jack feeling like this is unfair, but the rest of the locker room having mixed feelings.

But the point is that - one of my favorite things to think about in relation to omgcp has always been, just because you might need something from somebody, doesn’t mean they have to give it to you.  (er, this is mostly in relation to jack/parse, but the principle applies everywhere.)  Bitty and Jack coming out like this might hurt some people and frustrate others, people they care about, even, but it’s still.. their lives.  Their choice.

~

re: this being objectively a terrible time and place to come out.

For Bitty, that’s almost entirely about his parents not knowing yet, right, but he’s been wanting them to know, and hasn’t been able to tell them.  Coming out like this is so much more doable, probably, than doing it directly to them in any way... and it shouldn’t lastingly affect the type or degree of supportiveness (or lack thereof) they give him.

For Jack: either he comes out sometime or he comes out never.  (I would bet strongly that before he fell for Bitty, he wasn’t planning on coming out till after it wouldn’t be too big a deal.  Which means, maybe, ever).  But if he’s in love, in this committed relationship, then either he’s in the closet and he’s looking over his shoulder all the time to see whether he might be poking a toe out by accident, or... he comes out, and has to get shit from other teams, referees, media, whatever part of ~the whole world~ he sees... but at least he’s not terrified of being accidentally (or maliciously!) outed, anymore.

So!  If he were to come out, what better time than when he’s proved all the doubters wrong?  If he can win the Stanley Cup, he proves that he really belongs, there’s no doubt, etc.  And he already has an A as the rookie, and he got the game winning goal, and the Conn Smythe!, and the Cup, like... if there’s one moment when he’s on top of the hockey world, it’s here and now, there and then.  What better time to say, ‘oh, and also, I love my boyfriend, so if you have a problem with that, f you.’

(I DID NOTICE by the way and I’ve been predicting that this would happen since forever - that Jack came out to the world by saying, or, actually, by demonstrating, that he has a boyfriend, not by ID-ing himself out loud as either bi or gay.  I suspect that he’s never going to label himself onscreen in the comic, and this reluctance is interesting to me.... /sorry, tangent over.)

So, it would seem to me like a GREAT time for Jack to come out, save the factor of not giving his team or agent any fucking warning, which he should’ve done, but I bet he was probably too full of complicated fears, and I get that, and, further, it’d be just as true at any other time... I’m not sure how ‘planning’ would be s’posed to help, anyway.  The league, the media, hockey fandom, etc., is gonna have just as much homophobia in it no matter what he and/or his team do!

EXCEPT, there’s this thing about hockey culture.  (I gather from reading and osmosis - I don’t know that much about hockey!)  You’re not supposed to “draw attention to yourself.”  ... Here, I just googled “hockey” “draw attention to yourself,” and look at this quote from The Hockey News.  2015:

As for why no NHL players have come out yet, [Patrick] Burke [founder of You Can Play] believes it’s more a hockey culture issue – the team is always more important than the individual and you never want to draw attention to yourself – than anything to do with fear of acceptance. “There are a lot of people who know ‘out’ retired players,” he said. “Those players just don’t want to do a newspaper article on it. I mean, we’ve had players criticized for high-fiving too exuberantly.”

*screams quietly*

FIRST OF ALL, (unless there’s more than one such incident), those players who were criticized for high-fiving ~wrong~ were P. K. Subban and Carey Price.  (Their personal celly was banned by their team, the Habs, it was crazy!)  It is... not a coincidence, surely, that these are two of the biggest PoC stars in hockey, which is numerically an overwhelmingly white sport.  So... when it says ‘don’t stick out, fit in,’ it really means it, so much more so, if you’re not white.

Or if you’re marginalized along some other axis.  (You already ~don’t fit in!~)  Which, of course, everyone now knows Jack is...

To me it seems ridiculous, outrageous, that coming out would be bad cause it’s ‘taking attention away’ from the rest of your team.  No one would want all that sort of attention; it’s not their fault they would get it...!  But I’m not immersed in ~hockey culture.~

Where people would absolutely say ‘just like a -’ (well, I don’t want to write the rest of that sentence, but you know), ‘gotta be the center of attention all the time, can’t let ordinary people alone,’ and then some really gross sex metaphors., (and okay, i am making myself feel sick now, but, that is the world!)

And so you’ve got... I don’t even know WHAT sort of situation, where of course George and Marty and Thirdy and them are frustrated cause Jack gave them no cues as to what to say or do in this scenario, there’s no coordination, what interviews do we grant, we all wanted to be off elsewhere enjoying our summers, etc....

But also the press is being REALLY GROSS about Jack’s “selfishness” in making the Falcs’ first-ever Stanley Cup win “all about him” by kissing his boyfriend, cause like, it’s not like EVERY OTHER PLAYER who had one kissed their girlfriends or wives the exact same way.

And JACK, himself, also had a whole arc through the first couple years of the comic, of focusing on his own play to the exclusion of his team’s, epitomized in ‘it was a lucky shot’ and culminating in ‘learning to be a team player.’  ... BUT, that was with the Wellies, not the Falcs.  With the Falcs, we’ve seen him again beating himself up over his play in the playoffs, as if it wasn’t a team effort!  ... maybe he ‘knows’ better, in some sense, but focusing on things being all about you, a referendum on your inadequacies, even when you should know they’re not, is, in both my experience and my reading, a common issue with anxiety.

(I would bet he takes his anxiety out on other people on the Falcs, the same way he did with Bitty when they first met.  That he’s not that great of a team player, off the ice, even though it’s not about this thing, and that there’s some doubts in the room as to whether he’s earned his A.)

And then, THE COMIC, weirdly, though it includes quite a few of the Falcs as named and repeatedly-shown characters, also seems to be treating the Cup as a one-person victory.  Jack gets the GWG, and the Conn Smythe, and is the only one we actively see working on and worrying about the games, though we see the others just ~around!?  So.... it both adds bits of evidence to ‘boy has a self-centered approach,’ and, seems to justify this because a Jack-centered narrative of the playoffs is ~correct.

(And, I mean, clearly I’m being Jack-centered, when the narrative wants me to be Bitty-centered instead!  All sorts of biases and layers going on here.)

I am not sure how to sum all this up.  Just - that Jack has totally, demonstrably, been guilty of selfishness vis-a-vis his teams before, and there are bits of reasons to think that he probably hasn’t stopped!, and also that I don’t think, personally, that coming out at that time, in that way, is fair to label as ‘selfish,’ (though it’s a shitty situation for George and the team!) and also, that I bet Don Cherry et. al. are talking about how ‘selfish’ Jack and Bitty are right now in a sickeningly homophobic way.  But that doesn’t invalidate any of the earlier clauses in that sentence... it just complicates things.  Can you call your teammate out on his self-centered-ness, (like, throughout the playoffs), when that’s blasting from every hockey TV thing?  Would you still want to?  I sure as hell wouldn’t.

... and what are narratives, #we just don’t know.

[arctic-urpo]

A..ALL of the oc asks for trolly?? ;v; they look so sweet and i couldnt narrow it down sakjdfh

!!! I presume you mean Tolly!! Thank you so much for asking about him, he’s my precious son and I’ve missed him

I’ll put this under a cut though bc this will get long x)

1. What is their favorite word

Hmm, I’m not sure he’d have one absolute favorite but I think he likes soft words, like ‘bubble’

2. How do they sleep

He has troubles sleeping and gets bothered by disturbances easily, so he wears that, what is it called, that blindfold-like thing to block out light, and earplugs etc. He sleeps better when he’s in company he finds safe, though.

3. Favorite companion

The closest friend he has is Will, and then of course he loves his eventually-to-be-boyfriend Neal :’) Both are his favorites, just in different ways!

4. What secrets do they keep, untold to anyone?

He’s really, really insecure about his body, he has freckles and moles all around his upper body and he’s chubby, both of which he tries to hide by wearing a lot of baggy clothes. (I wanna make clear that I don’t think these are “ugly” features at all personally but, he was bullied about these at one point and he has a really bad complex about being seen now)

5. How do they feel about magic

Huh… I think he finds it interesting and fun, he loves to read fiction and a lot of his favorite books include magic. I think if he played more games or trpgs he’d play mages (or clerics specifically if those are in the game). 

6. How do they feel about killing 

Bad!! Horrible!! Death is something he really mourns a lot, even with people he never knew, and he cannot comprehend killing someone…

7. How do they feel at night, in silence, all alone?

Lonely and scared. He doesn’t like darkness so he usually goes to sleep early. And while he is mostly introverted and has avoidant personality disorder and finds other people usually stressing, he also struggles with being alone a lot as well. So he’ll just listen to calming music and go to sleep before it gets too late.

8. Tell me about them in a modern AU

Well, he practically does live in modern world, perhaps a bit more advanced than ours. He’s currently a college student, he spends a lot of time hanging out with his friend group and often proofreads essays etc for his friends because he’s good at it (both writing them and editing them - everyone keeps getting surprised how strict he is proofing them when he’s usually kind and calm). He reads a lot of books and magazines on his free time and goes to therapy once a week… 

9. What is their favorite meal

Filled bell peppers! He usually makes them without any meat if he’s making them himself but he’ll eat them any way.

10. What guides them

A wish to be a good influence on the lives of others, which he hugely looks reference for from books and other sorts of fiction. He also wants to get better with his mental illness, and he has gotten really far from where he used to be.

11. What hinders them

His own inability to believe in himself, mostly. He wants to get better and understands kind of what he should do but, he just ends up always backing off because he can’t believe in himself.

12. Do they have hidden talents

As mentioned before, he’s really good with academic text, but that’s not so much ‘hidden’ talent as it is just his talent. He’s also pretty good at giving massages, which many don’t know. He also reads… really fast…. and he’s super fast at sorting. He’s also really good at comforting people, although he doesn’t realize it himself.

13. How do they carry themselves

Hmm… He mostly kind of keeps to himself and tries to take as little space as possible. He seems meek and, well, he is too. He tries to stay out of the way, seem small. He fiddles with his fingers a lot and has a bad posture. 

14. What are their vices

He has hard time gathering determination for anything and in turn loses it really quickly. He gives up on things and doesn’t usually try to pursue things even if they make him happy. He doesn’t say when things make him uncomfortable because he’s so afraid of causing any kind of conflict… In fact, he avoids anything that can lead to conflict, even if sometimes they are things he would need to do.

15. What was a turning point in their life

Meeting Will, probably. While they both struggle with their own mental illnesses, they’ve found a lot of comfort in their friendship and the strength to get better respectively. Will was the first one to know of Tolly’s struggles and he helped Tolly find friends.

16. Do they ascribe to any religion

He’s agnostic, for the most part. Religion is something that confuses him since, well, it’s not something easy to understand.

17. How do they react to trauma

Not well… He carries his trauma with him for long, finding it hard to let go of them. Every single hurtful word will haunt his thoughts for many, many years if not forever. He’s trying to learn not to mind them but, any wounds trauma has caused him always returns to echo in his thoughts.

18. What is their relationship to their parents

These days he has good relationship with them. In the past he had a lot of difficulties, his parents were distant and busy which partially caused his AvPD. They also used to be pretty conservative so he felt scared about coming out for a long time. Anyways once he finally got the courage to talk and start therapy, his relations have gotten a lot better, especially with his mother who is a psychiatrist and has actively tried to right the things she did wrong so far. His father is not that good at these things, but he tries his best.

19. Do they have siblings

He has an older sibling I haven’t yet defined that much, not even their gender identity;; All I know they’re a lot older than Tolly, something like 8-13 years older. They get along with Tolly but work in an another country so they don’t see a lot.

20. Tell me about their love interests

He gets crushes easily, so he has had a lot. He tends to get crushes on gentle and confident people (or at least people who seem confident, he can’t really recognize faked confidence). His current love interest who’ll in the story become his boyfriend is Neal! Neal is asexual, really calm and quiet and good at taking care of others. Tolly also did have a crush on Will but it didn’t really go anywhere.

21. What sexuality/gender suits them

Tolly is completely homosexual and a cisman!

22. Tell me about their body, are they tall, or smol

Tolly is pretty tall (if I remember correctly he was like 6′4″ - 193cm). As mentioned before, he has a chubby stomach but to the point that he can hide it with big clothes, mostly. His legs especially are long. 

23. What is their combat style and weapon of choice

I’m not sure if he’d ever get into combat… If there’s a possibility of magic then that is his choice, especially healing spells. He’d in any cases rather play support, and not hurt others.

24. Do they have any fears/phobias

Strangers, and other people in general. He’s mostly fine with people he has gotten to know and he has gotten better about this so he’s not constantly scared when he’s out somewhere with people, but he still can’t approach people and will avoid places with a lot of people. Also people yelling or being loud in general makes him uncomfortable. He’s afraid of being hated or being thought of as disgusting or gross and especially being called by those words. He is also really, really uncomfortable with sex scenes with a male-female couple.

25. Do they follow their instinct or hard facts

Mostly he goes by his emotions, so instinct. Logic he can approach well in studies etc, but when it comes to his own life and things that affect him, he goes by what his feelings say.

26. How do they cope with sorrow

He shrivels into his shell, isolates himself from others and cries alone a lot. He used to lock himself up in his room, would hardly sleep, and listen to a lot of music. He also ends up in the cycle of not eating and then binge-eating, repeating this again and again.

27. What makes them burst out laughing

Very few things, he doesn’t really show emotions that strongly. Laughing out loud would gather attention after all and his self-esteem gets in the way too and he feels stupid if he laughs loudly. If he’s at home and watching a comedy show alone or with close friends, he’ll laugh a lot though. Just, often it is quiet and muffled since he covers his mouth when he laughs.

28. Tell me about their grooming routine

He takes a shower every morning and makes sure to dry his hair soon after with a hairdryer. He also lotions his face daily and his body once a week. 

29. What makes them blush

Oh, gosh, many things. He blushes really easily, especially from either embarrassment or being flustered. Being complimented, mocked, making mistakes, seeing his crush, sometimes just talking with his friends… 

30. What makes them cry

Getting mocked or shamed for something, or in general feeling like he’s stupid or has embarrassed himself. He’ll also cry really easily at animal videos that are even a bit emotional

31. Tell me about their aesthetic

Books. A lot of books. Also winter clothes and snow, small and comfy apartments, pictures of the sky.

32. If they had a tumblr, what would they post 

He’d probably mostly use it to reblog things, like pictures he found pretty or things about the books he has read or series he has watched. Not really anything too involved, just nice looking things. Perhaps some occasional pictures of his life, especially study things :>

[blockzone06-blog]

The Wellness Project: 3 Year Update + A Big Podcast Announcement!

Every December, I try to give you my version of a health-related year in review.

When I first introduced the concept of The Wellness Project to you 4 years ago (!!) that timeframe (12 months) felt like an eternity. But as I get older, and as the theme of each year reveals itself over time, it seems unreasonable that I ever thought big health overhauls could happen any quicker.

Last year’s update wasn’t what I was hoping for. After 6 months of weird digestive symptoms, I started to put the physical pieces together—the outward bloating with the inward distress–and finally got a diagnosis of SIBO: small intestine bacterial overgrowth.

Learning about this chronic, complicated condition exhausted me. But at the same time, I knew my transformation story wasn’t over. And while I was standing around waiting for the other shoe to drop, The Wellness Project 2.0 found me.

Since I just can’t help but make my medical struggles ammunition for a whole new stream of resources for you guys, I immediately hopped down the SIBO internet rabbit hole.

What I discovered was a mountain of options, many of which contradicted one another. I began digging further, attending virtual seminars, and even going so far as to take an online course to become a SIBO certified practitioner. As I researched, I curated and I synthesized. And as always, I shared my findings with you.

The response was instantaneous and overwhelming.

I received hundreds of comments, messages and emails from you. Notes telling me that you too had once gone to the ends of the internet to find solutions, and that my series was one of the most comprehensive, thoughtful and easy to navigate of any you’d found. There were also notes saying that my writing prompted you to get tested for SIBO, and after years of uncertainty, you received a clear answer.

Around this time, I also got an email from my biggest fan.

“Phoebe, how amazing that you’re already attracting an audience around SIBO—I’m so impressed,” wrote my mom. To which I replied: “Mom! I’m not attracting them. It turns out my audience already has a raging case of SIBO!”

Like the Hashi Posse—the millions of women struggling with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis (which, is a big risk factor for SIBO)—I realized how badly my new found SIBO Amigos needed more than what they were getting from their doctors.

What you needed was a complete SIBO self-care toolkit. An array of strategies that are sustainable. And a clear picture of how to choose your own SIBO adventure without it feeling like a complete, social-life-killing drag.

Which is why for the last few months, I’ve been secretly working on a NEW PODCAST on the subject.

Introducing SIBO Made Simple!

SIBO Made Simple is a show for those recently diagnosed or chronically fighting Small Intestine Bacterial Overgrowth. But really, it’s for anyone suffering from digestive woes who is hungry for solutions and wondering WTF to do next. Each week, I sit down with a different #SIBOAmigo—naturopaths, functional medicine doctors, bodyworkers—to discuss the various steps to rebalance your gut for good.

My guests and I will break it down for you in easily digestible terms, giving you the doable action items and valuable input you need to design the SIBO solution right for you. Covering everything from testing and herbal supplements to low FODMAP cooking tips, this podcast is a patient-friendly masterclass in how to heal from SIBO.

You can CLICK HERE to listen to the trailer!

And I would so appreciate you sharing it with friends or loved ones who have dealt with IBS or are interested in learning more about gut health. Even if you’re not a SIBO sufferer yourself, subscribing on iTunes or leaving a review is an easy way to support me and my work, and ensure that the people who really need this resource can better find it.

Now that this exciting news is out of the way (I hate burying the lead), back to my health update…

My Year of SIBO

In April, after 6 weeks of herbal antibiotics and 4 months of low FODMAP eating, I found out that I was officially SIBO-free. I began to very slowly reintroduce high FODMAP foods back to my diet, starting with my boyfriend, avocado.

There are still a few things that I won’t eat large quantities of, or try to avoid on menus—mainly legumes. I still limit my consumption of cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, and broccoli, because I notice when I don’t, I feel bloated and uncomfortable. And believe it or not, I still don’t cook very often with garlic or onion at home. I find that I don’t miss them, and my food tastes just as good! I hope the culinary gods don’t smite me.

I learned over the course of my research that a little bloating or gas after too many FODMAPs is not really cause for concern. It’s not even technically “failing” your reintroduction test if you experience that type of mild symptom. And I’ve felt very strongly about plowing ahead in hopes of eating as diverse a diet as possible.

If it weren’t for my thyroid antibody numbers, I might have continued to do my thing and get my diet back to where it was without overthinking my symptoms. But despite getting rid of SIBO, they continued to remain high. I thought SIBO had been the root cause, but it was clear I would need to keep digging.

My doctor gave me this comprehensive stool test, which not only shows what’s present right now, but past infections as well. I took it back in September and then promptly forgot about it. My results finally came back about a month ago, and the wait made them even more jarring.

The Wellness Project 3.0

Suffice it to say one of the themes of my health journey the last year and half seems to be: seek and you will find. And that test seemed to find all the bad things.

My most pressing pathogens are H. pylori and E. coli. On top of that, two parasites and a host of other concerning bacteria imbalances as a result.

Ironically, a friend emailed me about H. Pylori a few months ago and I responded that I didn’t know that much about it because I’d never dealt with it myself. Famous last words!

The silver lining with any health set back is of course that I will eventually have more resources to share with you (just look at what happened with SIBO!). The second, is that with every test comes more answers, that hopefully once dealt with, will finally bring me to a much better baseline.

Physically, I feel fine considering all the things that are wrong with my gut. It’s more the emotional toll, which I know that others out there who have dealt with health issue after health issue, supplement after supplement, can relate to. I knew that my story wasn’t over after writing The Wellness Project and that getting well is a journey not a destination. But that doesn’t make it any easier when the long road extends even further into the distance.

Considering what I faced with SIBO, I kept my attitude pretty positive. But this last revelation really threw me. I was frustrated and down and feeling sorry for myself. I let myself have a series of good cries, and then I did what I always do: dove into the research to find the best path forward.

Yet again, it’s going to be a long one. Another year of work before I’ve addressed each issue one by one. But on the bright side, I least I know what the theme for 2019 will be!

The first leg of my route back up Health Mountain is going to be addressing the H. Pylori, so expect a more in depth post all about that super fun stomach bacteria soon.

In the meantime, thanks for being by my side, year after year. I feel like you are my pacing buddies in the long marathon of getting well, and with each new discovery, another person jumps in to jog beside me and keep my spirits up.

Please keep your comments and feedback coming—being reminded constantly of my purpose is the best medicine, and truly the antidote to a pessimism that might have overtaken long ago.

Now…go listen to the podcast!

Wishing you so much health and hedonism in 2019 and beyond,

xo Phoebe

p.s. Tomorrow is the last day of early bird pricing for the 4 Weeks to Wellness January session! Honing this program and adding plenty of low FODMAP resources has been one of my great joys and sources of pride in 2018. I hope you’ll join the tribe!

Source: https://feedmephoebe.com/the-wellness-project-3-year-update-a-big-podcast-announcement/

[violetemerald]

Kissing Aversion, but Demi-Sensual About Other Touch

This is my entry for the May 2017 Carnival of Aces, which I hosted and chose to theme around "Kissing, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, etc!". The call for submissions is here. I'm sorry this post is so long. I'm sort of overflowing with thoughts. Also this was written in one sitting late at night so please feel free to point out errors. This has been cross-posted to my WordPress blog.

I don't feel like I need touch in my life much at all, most of the time.

That being said, I have the ability to really like it. In a kinda demi-sensual kind of way, if that's a thing. (I'm 100% asexual, no grayness there, no sexual attraction, but if I have a lot of trust-feelings for you, like a LOT of positive feelings about our relationship, then there is a pretty good chance I'll like touch.)

I am comfortable but fairly neutral with touch when it comes to me and small children. (They can still cross boundaries that make me uncomfortable, such as making me take off my glasses and then I feel overly vulnerable, which kind of happened to me a week and a half ago with a 3 year old in my extended family lol.) I don't crave touch from small children - I crave other types of attention from children, I want to make them happy, I love the emotional reaction they can have to me at times, but I'm not overly touchy feely unless they initiate it. I am much more comfortable holding babies than holding any animal though.

With people who are peers though, fellow young adults, or from older family members... I can have positive associations with touch!

I have such a visceral aversion to hugs from strangers, and even with friends and family I'm not necessarily skilled at hugging because I so rarely practice the act so people think I'm uncomfortable sometimes when I'm actually not really, but my touch-aversion is quite selective and if I like a person a lot, hugging them can be the one type of touch I find myself actually yearning for, fantasizing about briefly even, or something I relish for the moment it's happening.

It's not a romantic thing for me, no kind of touch is, not really. When I say I like a person a lot, I mean "like" in the broadest sense. They could be friends, family, romantic partner, whatever.

The only things that "Feel romantic" to me tend to be language-related, or broad traditions around times like Valentine's day, lovey-dovey sappiness, using words like "girlfriend" or "boyfriend"... idk.

Weirdly, I conceptualized intimacy really strongly in my head as a not necessarily romantic thing really early on, and a lot of types of things can feel somewhat "intimate" to me, can make me feel really bonded more than ever with people. Most often it's conversation related, not necessarily "sharing secrets" but sharing really personal stories with the intention of building on the relationship with more of those types of conversations later on down the line. I only feel like I "love" someone - an aunt or uncle or cousin, a friend, etc - if I have a pretty high degree of intimacy with them.

Certain kinds of touch feel really intimate to me too. The first guy I ever tried dating, at the end of our (wonderfully emotionally intimate, conversation-heavy) first date, kissed my cheek. It felt so intimate, I felt like a flutter through my body and a rush of... something in my chest, a blush. I'd been on OkCupid for months and after messaging back and forth with him decided I was ready for my first date ever, and it was such a success. I mainly just did things I'd do with new friends, except I didn't have any experiences yet, post college, as an adult making new friends. I just did whatever felt natural and comfortable to try to get to know him better and get him to know me better and it felt like everything was going right.

On our second date, all touch didn't feel intimate at all. It felt bad. Uncomfortable. Forced. This same guy I felt SO intimate with did thing after thing to ruin my positive feelings for him. He betrayed me in multiple ways - being VERY late for the date, forcing me to walk way more than I physically was able and causing me extreme pain and exhaustion, implying he knew the restaurant we were going to was good from his personal experience and then it turning out he'd never been there, not being flexible and being willing to see ANY other movie when the one he wanted to see was sold out so instead making me stand (still in pain) for a long time while he looked up on his phone other theaters and called to see if the movie wasn't sold out. And then on top of this disastrous date he touched me repeatedly. A lot of that walking was holding hands, and it was I think all about walking around the city with PDA and I hated that. Publicly declaring "we're a couple" in a physical way probably is never gonna be a thing I'm comfortable with, and it didn't feel natural, it was beyond awkward, and it was sweaty, and my hand started to cramp. Plus it felt really juvenile since despite this being my first foray into romance, I was already 22 years old.

And then he kissed me. At the end of that entire night, he started making out with me (I don't really like the term French kissing but yes, that, with tongue) in public on a sidewalk at night. There weren't that many people around. It being in public was oddly extremely low on my list of things that made that uncomfortable. Who cares what other people around might be thinking when I was a wreck, had literally just slept through most of a movie in a theater because I was so exhausted, and had no idea how to kiss, and I didn't know what he was thinking, and didn't know what I was thinking about the kiss yet either. One of us asked to "try again" after we pulled away and walked a few more paces of sidewalk. I knew I must be kissing wrong, this was... not pleasurable and beyond awkward. He asked if this was my first time ever kissing anyone and was shocked when I admitted it was, and I was frustrated because he should've known that already if he'd paid close attention to my dating profile. But I was mainly mortified.

I had completely repressed any inkling that I might be asexual until that night. I had probably first come across asexuality years earlier. I also had only a few months prior binge watched the entire series of House M.D. and took the ace-erasure episode in stride without even thinking anything of it lol. But after THAT KISS, the fact that asexuality existed came immediately back to my mind, and I couldn't really shake it, however hard my internalized anti-ace sentiments tried to push it away. I really felt sure that this kiss felt exactly how fictional media had shown me "kissing the wrong gender" felt for monosexual (gay or straight) folks, or like kissing a sibling even, someone with whom you had no attraction. I was jump-started into questioning my entire sexuality that night, and I couldn't help myself from crying on the metro in public on the ride home.

I researched how to kiss.

http://www.wikihow.com/Kiss-a-Boy and http://www.wikihow.com/French-Kiss were literally web pages I visited.

I asked my brother what kissing felt like the first time and if it got better. I went on a third date with the guy where we had a time crunch and he brought me back to his apartment after dinner in a restaurant. He wanted me to take off my shoes and the literal moment I finished, while I was standing in what I felt was a really awkward position near our shoes, he leaned in to try to kiss me for the first time since our second date. I wanted to give kissing him another chance but not like that. He wanted to kiss me while we were watching a movie sitting on separate chairs because he didn't have a couch, too. And he also wanted me to definitely follow the plot. I said unless we paused the movie I was going to miss the plot, come on now. But we didn't have time to finish the movie if we paused it, I was on a deadline to get back to the metro before it closed for the night lol. So I never ended up kissing this guy again.

But almost a full year later, the third guy I tried dating, I kissed a lot. Always in private. Always in much more comfortable positions. We cuddled a lot too which was moderately pleasant but it wasn't as intimate for me as it was for him, and for him it often was psuedo-sexual and super-romantic, both things that made me really uncomfortable. This guy was my first boyfriend, I got past just dates and into relationship status with him. He held my hand in private while we were cuddling too. Cuddling... it felt frustratingly stifling some of the time, but it was so much better than kissing, and I might not have been quite identifying as asexual yet but I was HEAVILY questioning throughout our whole relationship and researching asexuality like every single day and I... I knew I was somewhere on the asexual spectrum from our second date when we tried kissing. I felt guilty for being asexual, for not liking kissing when he did like it, for always pulling away and kinda hating kissing actually, etc etc... so I think cuddling with him was an unspoken compromise I was doing, rather than anything I really wanted.

Honestly though, being that close to him was... maybe something I was indifferent to, because I wasn't that emotionally intimate with him, so I didn't have the necessary prerequisite to really want it. Kasey Weird mentioned in their submission for this carnival,

the best cuddling very much is a non-verbal dialogue of sorts: it’s active, and responsive to each other.

and I had an epiphany reading that that yes, yes it is, that's what I was lacking back in 2013 when I did this cuddling with my boyfriend, that's what I actually like about snuggling up against my dad or my brother when we're watching TV and it's cold and we're tired, on rare occasions, that we do it in some kind of "sync" with one another, and it's less all-consuming of my body or theirs, and it's something I basically have never really gotten a chance to try with someone I feel entirely safe with since being an adult and it becoming a lot less socially "appropriate" to do it with family. I didn't feel 100% safe with my boyfriend in 2013, because I knew all along he desired me sexually, and I have always been sex-averse even if I didn't know it. Being the cause of arousal and the star of fantasies felt kind of like a violation of sorts, and in some ways just existing around him made me feel guilty. I think he was a great person and I was remarkably safe with him, he was letting me call the shots, he was understanding about my asexuality, he was patient and passive in many ways, but even so, I didn't end up getting a chance to explore very much at all in terms of romantic actions or sensual/physical things with him. Our cuddling was kind of boring and not really my style. Same with our hand-holding. I decided I never want to hold hands "just to hold hands" ever again after that relationship, just like I decided cuddling really wasn't all that it was cracked up to be, and I was definitely not going to be having sex or kissing more people.

Rachel mentioned in the guest post submission this month:

But knowing that I supposed to be feeling something positive, and getting nothing from it internally, no matter how sincerely-intended the gesture, makes touch a dissonant and hollow experience.

And it's just... SO TRUE. Like wow. That's how I was feeling. Throughout so much of my relationship with my boyfriend, and even with the first guy I dated, especially, especially, when it came to kissing, which I knew was supposed to be positive, I'd built up for a decade that kissing was... Okay so like a couple days ago I saw this "first line" generator to help you with your fiction writing endeavors going around tumblr: http://writingexercises.co.uk/firstlinegenerator.php and I kid you not, the first line I generated was:

The kiss reminded him of chemistry lessons in school, when if the right two elements were put together, they'd explode.

Now I know kissing is not always like that for allosexual people, but I think it must sometimes be, and it's not even in the realm of possible for me. My kissing aversion is 100% a part of how I experience my sexual orientation. This isn't about romance. I am asexual, and this kind of kiss described just... sounds sexual to me. Anything about "chemistry" between people feels sexual to me, unless maybe you're talking about actors having great chemistry, sometimes that can be like... people can observe squishes (which are platonic) from the first meeting of two actors or something similar.

I really really crave acknowledgement that not liking kissing at all is a part of the asexual experience for not just me but for a lot of people. I'm tired of headcanons (including my own) where "it doesn't matter" that a character is shown passionately kissing a partner or many partners because they 'could' still be asexual anyway. No I want kissing aversion to actually be shown on TV at some point. I want to read fanfiction where asexual characters aren't written as thinking kissing is amazing. I want my version of asexuality represented! Where even cuddling is complicated and fraught at times. I don't care about the characters' romantic orientations that much. I care about the aspects of the asexual experience that would resonate strongly with me, like realizing you might be asexual from the awful/hollow/confusing experience of kissing alone.

I don't necessarily want it to all be clear-cut romance-repulsion either, though! "Ew, gross, why would anyone want to kiss or say I love you or build a life with a partner" isn't really an experience that resonates with me either. I told my queerplatonic partner I love him, I felt in love with him, and I would love to one day get married, probably wearing some color that isn't white, definitely not kissing in front of family or friends or at any point in whatever relationship I end up in.

Besides, I get why people want to kiss. It feels different for them than it does for me. They like that feeling.

I know I'm not alone in how I feel about kissing.

This Reddit thread from a year ago titled

Any other Asexuals here dislike kissing?

started off with:

I've tried so hard to enjoy kissing but all it feels is wet and slobbery and overall unpleasant. Anyone else have similar feelings? I feel so alone about this.

And I hate that so many of us feel so alone about this! I've felt alone in this on-and-off since I was 22 years old. I am 27 now.

People replied to that poster with:

My mind wanders off to something else, such as dinner plans, or why we're even doing this because it's gross, etc.

or

A short peck is all right with me and is about the limit of intimacy to which I can go, anything more and it just gets repulsing and uncomfortable.

There was:

Can't bring myself to even try an open-mouthed kiss

and

This is part of what made me feel like something was wrong with me for so many years

and even

YES. I hate kissing

These were all different people's answers! And if you look at these 14 narratives of asexuals describing dating collected from around the internet, all of the references to kissing are negative!

They include... well... @redbeardace mentioned in his narrative

here

that:

I didn’t feel anything when I kissed her.

Anwen:

She explains: 'Holding hands is as far as I would ever take anything. For me [sex is] just revulsion, it really is. Just, ugh, no. [Cuddling] – that’s OK. Not kissing.’

Julie Sondra Decker (/ @swankivy ) was interviewed for Salon:

She wasn’t attracted to her first boyfriend but kissed him anyway “because I was expected to,” she says.

The first boy was basically an experiment, I guess, because I’d never been asked out before and I figured I’d see what it was like, but all I found out was that we didn’t have much in common and I didn’t like French kissing.

Cathy Roberts, asexual lesbian mentions:

I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want to even kiss my boyfriends, let alone have sex with them.

(Unsure if she ever decided she likes kissing women. It's not mentioned there either way.)

Her quote reminds me of another issue, the relationship escalator and steps and how "okay, maybe not sex but AT LEAST KISSING" is really really expected, really early on.

I know some asexual people like kissing, especially many gray-asexual people.

But I wish more asexuals acknowledged that being asexual often can translate into not only sex-aversion, but relatedly kissing-aversion. Kissing without attraction should be understood to be "no fun".

My dad and my brother can't understand how any aces, people who don't feel sexual attraction, could possibly enjoy making out. To both of those straight men in my life kissing is pretty inherently sexual.

But then again, there's this one other touch thing that I think is linked to sexuality for a lot of folks, but it wasn't for me. At an ace meetup once, we were in a restaurant in a kinda cramped part of the floor, and I think we were all getting ready to leave and standing up. One of my (asexual, of course) friends in the group wanted to get by me to head to the restrooms and without really thinking he very gently touched the small of my back as he walked by. And it just felt so intimate, like that kiss on my cheek did years prior. And I just knew it was not a sexual feeling. I don't have sexual feelings. I'm sure of that now. I just really am a non-sexual person in every possible sense. I'm not actually like your average ace. But it was something positive, kinda like butterflies, kinda like "you're in my personal space and it's not a bad thing for once and wow, I don't actually mind this at all", and it's not like I really was craving more of it. It's just like. I was surprised that I could have that kind of reaction to that kind of touch. I was surprised I would notice to such a degree and I would feel that way.

I think maybe I can viscerally understand "electricity" at skin-to-skin contact with the right person, and I think if it's brief and a fleeting touch rather than holding on/cuddling, that's when that kind of "spark" of "oo, physical intimacy" could happen for me. I don't see it as necessarily romantic in part because I feel like it could happen for me with family members or friends who I'm really just fine being "just" friends with and all sorts of folks. (I don't see it as sexual for hopefully obvious-by-now reasons.)

I felt really validated when in this Shameless US fanfiction story which I recorded into a podfic

back in December contained these sentences:

It seemed like Mickey couldn’t keep his hands off Ian most of the time. Most of the time, it wasn’t even sexual. Mickey was always knocking shoulders with Ian when they passed in the hallway or hooking an ankle around Ian’s while they sat at the kitchen table or wrapping a gentle hand around Ian’s wrist when they were alone.

I like the idea that this kind of touch isn't sexual even for allosexual people, at least some of the time.

Almost exactly one decade ago (ah I'm getting so old lol), on a very traumatic and memorable day of my life, my mom wanted to hug me one minute, and a stressful and rushed minute or two later she was yelling instructions at her boyfriend to prevent me from escaping the house, which included her shouting that he should call 911 on me. (He didn't.) That minute prior she successfully hugged my brother, who didn't hug her back, but I could not just stand there and let her hug me.

I testified in front of a jury a year later that I refused to let her hug me, and when prompted by my dad's defense attorney clarified it was because she was abusive.

My touch aversion in most cases without a lot of trust first is likely very tied to all the physical abuse my mom inflicted on me over the years, things that didn't usually leave marks (although, yes, I had a couple scratches that drew blood on my hand or forearm, like the one that caused a middle school science teacher to ask if a cat scratched me as he handed me the bandaid I requested). But things were quite violent in many ways. My mom was a master at abusive power dynamics and using her physical presence to terrorize. She trapped me in corners by holding onto the walls around me so that she wasn't touching me at all, she pulled my hair so hard it knocked the glasses off my head repeatedly, she spit on me, she dumped a bowl of cereal on me, she ripped a beloved bracelet off my wrist, she threw the cordless landline so hard the battery compartment came apart COUNTLESS times after "speaking to" (screaming at) my dad and getting angry, and she'd yell to me to pick up the batteries and put the phone back together. Etc, etc. But like I said, it's been a decade. And I am in many ways past a lot of the complicated stuff I had to grow up with. I have had enough practice with social rituals of hugging that I first leaned in to hug Robert's dad when I saw him about 2.5 weeks ago, only the second time I'd ever met him, the first being over a year prior. I am more comfortable with myself than ever, in some ways.

(By the way, I linked to a Shameless fandom fic & podfic above, and in season 1 of that TV show, Debbie and Lip avoid hugging their toxic mother in a way that couldn't be closer to my own reaction to my mother wanting to hug me. This series has plenty of things for a person like me to latch onto... despite not really being ace-friendly...)

I don't actually feel like my touch aversion is necessarily tied to my asexuality at all, in fact, the more I think about it, and I also don't know if I'm even touch-averse anymore. I think I only feel comfortable saying I'm sex-averse and kissing-averse.

My queerplatonic partner recently broke up with me, but a few days before he did, we got to see each other for the first time since November. He'd been on a 6 month Civillian contractor deployment to Afghanistan. We got "back together" as qpp's in December, and around the end of January I started craving hugging him again, a feeling I'd only had around May last year while we were together the first time, kinda wanting brief contact with him. These feelings I shared with him this time, in January, and he said he wanted to hug me too and when we finally saw each other in May, we embraced for a brief second, and my face was in his shirt, on his chest... and it was something I wished could've lasted a few seconds longer. It felt comfortable and warm and just... nice.

I like the idea of one day having a new queerplatonic partner and getting to try touch a little more than just what I did with my last queerplatonic partner, which at our most intimate was sharing a blanket while watching a movie, being in a car together for hours, giving each other gifts, and allowing him to foot my bill when we were alone together a high percentage of the time (in part because I was unemployed and he had plenty of money in comparison... this was actually one of the most "Romantic" feeling things he did around me/for me/to me and it generally made me somewhat uncomfortable).

My fear though is that I will end up being more touch averse than I know at this current moment and really, no touch is what I want, and what if my future partner wants a lot more touching than I can comfortably provide in our relationship?? I'm really quite content without touch. If the person I end up with never wants to be hugged, never wants to touch at all, that would be fine. I was entirely ready to spend the rest of my life with Robert* and he and I didn't exactly have a relationship with any meaningful degree of touch.

I imagine a few potential futures for myself. I imagine giving up on trying to find a co-parenting partner if I have to and figuring out a way to make fostering work while single, and I imagine still making an effort to keep up a level of non-physical intimacy with friends and family as much as possible. With as many friends and family members as possible!! I imagine I won't be happy if I don't try to be a parent, but I can totally be happy without touch. And I'll be really happy I never had to compromise and you know, kiss anyone ever again. :P

Or I imagine finding a person who I do partner with, possibly a poly arrangement even, so many possibilities as yet unseen. Someone I certainly don't kiss (or have sex with). Someone who understands that my relationship with romantic orientation and romantic feelings and romantic coded actions can be complicated. Someone who I have a high degree of emotional intimacy with but who I may not touch at all, or who I may touch more than I ever imagined I would. I really just don't know.

Then again, I think I'd really really like building a family with someone who hugs me to comfort me when I'm emotionally overwhelmed. I don't think I need it, at all. But I think it would be nice. Because I haven't had the chance to have that with anyone other than aunts and uncles at my grandmother's funeral this past December (this was the trauma of their sister, my mom, being there and being herself that inspired the amazing hug stuff that made me feel engulfed in love), or back 8 years ago almost to the day when on the worst day of my life I had to be responsible for figuring out how to bail my dad out of jail, after my mom accused him of assault with his car (so assault with a deadly weapon), and he hugged me at the end of all of it. And it was kind of the most amazing feeling, like you need to have the worst day of your life before you can have the most powerfully comforting hug of your life, okay?? :P

And it'd be nice to be with a partner where I might do the same for them, if that was their style, if they were not a touch-averse person in these kinds of moments. I've never had a partner be that degree of emotionally vulnerable with me, and when my partners have been somewhat emotionally vulnerable I've never known what to do or say. But I want to get to a point where I might be able to be a comfort. Maybe physically! I know my instinct when my cousin's father died 3.5 years ago and he was 100% hysterically upset in the immediate aftermath was for me to just keep touching or trying to hug him as much as I could, it was complicated and my dad was doing this too on his other side. We were trying to get him to calm down at the same time too, I guess. Also after his eulogy for his dad, I was so proud of him. (He's 7 years younger than me btw, so that's part of the context of our relationship.) I told him I was proud of him and I hugged him, and I just... I needed the hug to convey my sympathy and love and pride through this physical touch, and I never had touched him this much before, but I already had a lot of the emotional intimacy framework, and he is not a person who's averse to touch, so this ended up being my "love language" in this kind of moment?

I found so many of the submissions this month to be thought-provoking and relateable. I wrote a ridiculously long essay here that should've been broken up into multiple blog posts and that repeats a lot of information already conveyed in previous posts on this blog, dating back to 2014. But. I'm really happy to get it all out here.

Despite my sadness (and anger, and confusion, etc) over my recent breakup, which... I will talk about more in a future blog post... the combination of last month's "Parenthood" carnival and this month's carnival has left me feeling more hopeful than I might've expected at the potential to find a partner who is truly compatible with me in all the ways, in terms of also being kissing & sex averse, of not necessarily needing a heavy cuddling life, in terms of wanting adoptive parenthood, etc!

And if nothing else, I also feel more inspired than ever to try to write some kind of fiction - okay almost definitely just fanfiction for the near future, but maybe I'll branch into original fiction if I get brave?? - that captures kissing-aversion (and sometimes complicated relationships to touch) in the characters! I really crave representation so badly that I think I need to forge a few of these kinds of things myself and I'm kind of excited to do so. I feel like I'm at a new chapter of my life, especially because of my breakup perhaps, but also just this being the year I finally am employed and... writing fiction is going to be a part of this. I know a lot of real aces out there need this. Is it weird that I'm smiling already at the potential, and the truth that the aces in my writing will hate kissing?

[torterragarden]

top 5 female and top 5 male characters in anything (top 10 if 5 isnt enough), add reasons if you want to 🙋 and a happy new year 🙌

OKAY SO I’M FINALLY GETTING AROUND TO POSTING MY ANSWER FOR THIS THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT. I spent so much time thinking about this because I loved this question and I ended up coming up with a top 10 female characters + reasons and I probably went way overboard like this is so long and I’m sorry. So unfortunately I haven’t made a list for male characters because I got so extra with this female characters list, but another time perhaps. Anyway, top 10 female characters here we go!!

10. Piper Mclean, Heroes of Olympus series - I think what I really like about Piper is that she has a lot of qualities that badly written female characters tend to have, but… she’s written well. What I mean is like… Piper is selfish. She’s whiny. She’s a brat. She’s emotional. Usually when a female character has traits like that, she isn’t likable and probably wasn’t intended to be. But Piper is given a depth and respect that those other female characters aren’t usually afforded. She’s flawed, but she knows it, and she hates her flaws and she tries to better herself. And she’s more than those flaws too! She’s brave and kind and loving, and her emotions - all of them, no matter how ugly - are ultimately her strength. I love that she’s allowed to be so emotional, that it’s good that she’s so emotional, because I feel like there’s this idea that female characters have to be emotionless in order to be “strong” or whatever so anyway yeah I love Piper

9. Emily Davis, Until Dawn - I have a knack for taking a liking to female characters that the majority of the fandom hates, and then loving them even more out of spite. Admittedly, a lot of my aggressive love for Emily is a reaction to the amount of (unfair, reeking of double standards and sexism) hatred she gets in the fandom, but even disregarding that, I do really like her. I started liking her very early on in Until Dawn. She seemed like she had a lot of personality and I liked that, and I only liked her more as the game went on. I mean… I literally have a post listing all of the reasons that I love Emily so that should tell you everything, right?

8. Amethyst, Steven Universe - I hesitated to put Amethyst on the list, since I’m not sure if she technically counts as “female”, but at the very least I think it’s fair to say that she’s female-coded and female-aligned so… I thought it would be okay? She would probably have been a lot higher up if not for the fact that I’ve lost a lot of my interest in SU, but I still love Amethyst a hell of a lot. I relate to her very strongly, for reasons that are not super comfortable to talk about. Much like Amethyst, I tend to bottle up everything and let it eat away at me until everything just explodes in the ugliest way. I think very little of myself, but I try my best to stay chill-passing because I’d rather die than tell anyone how I’m actually feeling. I don’t like going into detail about this but basically Amethyst is important to me because I relate to her in a lot of ugly and painful ways, and loving Amethyst is almost like learning to love myself. Almost.

7. Princess Bubblegum, Adventure Time - It’s funny that Adventure Time as a whole is one of those “I Definitely Like This But I’m Not Super Passionate About It” things, but there are like, four things in that show that I do feel Super Passionate about. Princess Bubblegum is one of them (the other three are Ice King, Marceline, and Bubbline, in case you were wondering). Gotdamn dude I love Princess Bubblegum and I think she doesn’t get nearly enough attention for being as interesting as she is. From the beginning I loved how she was simultaneously really sweet and morally ambiguous, that’s a really funny and intriguing dichotomy. I love that while she’s ultimately working for the Greater Good™, she’s really ruthless and vindictive. She has good intentions but she’s so very flawed, and she can be downright terrifying. Bubblegum is just endlessly fascinating to me and I really love her.

6. Cassie Cage, Mortal Kombat - Well obviously she had to be on this list, she’s where I got my url from. My love for Cassie Cage is less about who she is and more about what she represents to me, I think. Mortal Kombat isn’t exactly known for having great depictions of female characters but they did improve a lot in Mortal Kombat X, and I fell in love with Cassie partially because, to me, she embodied a lot of the positive changes. I loved that she was the heroine of MKX, I loved that she wasn’t overtly sexualized, I loved that she was funny and confident and just so damn cool, in that way that classic action heroes are cool. Chewing bubblegum and flipping people off and sassing everyone and just being exactly what comes to mind when you think “bad ass”. She was so different and so unexpected and I was so pleasantly surprised with Cassie Cage.

5. Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games - Katniss is one of the most important fictional characters ever written okay. This is a girl who grew up in extreme poverty, who took it upon herself to take care of her family at age 12, who was hardened because of her circumstances but still compassionate, and still so vulnerable. She suffered from severe PTSD, she was used as a pawn by the Capitol and by the rebels, she was manipulated and taken advantage of and she lost everything because of it. And in the end she still found a way to stand up and keep going. She didn’t magically get better but she made a life worth living for herself, even if she had to constantly remind herself of the good things in her life. I fucking love Katniss okay.

4. Jaehee Kang, Mystic Messenger - Yeah I kind of feel like trash for having a character from a god damn dating sim on here but tbh Mystic Messenger is so good it makes me angry (you are a dating sim what business do you have being that good fuck you) so I don’t feel too much like trash. Only a little bit like trash. Anyway, Jaehee. Holy god where do I even start. She is just so beautiful. That’s the first word that comes to mind, and I’m not even talking about her appearance (although yeah she’s definitely very attractive). It’s just her, man. She is so kind, so patient, so hard-working, so strong after everything she’s been through. I love that even though outwardly she’s more serious and formal than most of the other characters, there’s this underlying sweetness and quirkiness that shines through, like when she fangirls over Zen or when she says things like “benefits were effing amazing” when explaining to her boss why hosting fundraising parties is a good idea. I also love that as kind and polite as she is, she can and will mercilessly drag people she’s a fucking savage and I love her. I just love her so much. Jaehee is effing amazing.

3. Asami Sato, Legend of Korra - First of all, she’s canonically a bisexual woman in a relationship with another bisexual woman and that’s super important to me for representation. Second of all, even before Korrasami was made canon I really adored Asami. Because seriously, Asami is one of the kindest and most loyal characters in anything ever, she is such a good person through and through, even though there are so many things that have happened to her that sound like the sort of things that would motivate most characters to be villains. Her mother was murdered, her father was a terrorist who betrayed her and threatened to kill her friends, her boyfriend cheats on her, her closest friend and love interest leaves her for three years, her father fucking dies in front of her after they had just barely started to reconcile. Asami faces so much tragedy, if anyone has a right to be an asshole it would be her, yet she is still so unfailingly kind and brave and good. Also, for the record, she is probably the prettiest animated character I have ever seen in my life.

2. Agent Texas, Red vs Blue - Okay so. Red vs Blue has a lot of… issues with how it writes the few female characters it has, and I’m not going to act like Tex is this amazingly well written female character because she’s really not. But this isn’t my top 10 well-written female characters this is my top 10 favorite female characters, and whatever writing problems RvB may have, I really do love Tex. So much. It’s also a bit complicated to love Tex cause it’s like… which one lmao. I love Beta!Tex, who was tough and snarky and effortlessly bad ass, but also kind and compassionate and very, very chill. Like sure she could kick your ass and you know she could, but eh, she doesn’t really need to. The fact that you know she could is enough. And then there’s Epsilon!Tex, who was just angry, but who in many ways was the most important iteration of Tex to me. She was angry because ffs she was tired of not being her own person. She was tired of Church seeing her as His Girlfriend and not much else, she was tired of being Allison’s shadow, tired of her existence being all about other people, never about herself. Tex’s story is ultimately about a search for agency, to create an identity for herself separate from what other people want from her, and that’s always stuck with me.

1. Hermione Granger, Harry Potter - Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m putting her here because she is genuinely my favorite female character, or I’m putting her here because I can’t imagine putting anyone else here. Though I guess if I can’t imagine putting someone else here, that’s a sign that she is my favorite? Idk. I like Harry Potter less than I once did, less than I think a lot of people in my life realize, but being a Harry Potter Fan is such a big part of my identity to them that I don’t think they can see me any other way. But, even with my enthusiasm for HP these days being relatively low, I can’t deny that the series had a huge impact on me growing up and it definitely did a lot to shape the type of person I am, and it’s always going to be a bit special because of that. Hermione played a big part. She was one of the first female characters I can remember really admiring. I was nothing like her but I wanted to be, because she was smart and bad ass and complex and honestly do I even need to explain why Hermione is amazing? You all know. However I feel about HP now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the impact it had on me and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget Hermione.