#my birthday is soon too i dont like that
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ace on gouache more like gouace(??)
anyway happy birthday
#i dont draw ace enough for someone who is my first shonen crush and i actually mourned the death of like#i was there#caught up with the manga when it was released#portgas d ace#one piece#one piece fanart#anyway this guy kickstarted the trend of me latching on shonen men who die soon after#gj on law for not dying on the chapter released on my birthday too tho
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it's right behind me, isn't it? 😂 (tomorrow is my birthday and idk how to feel about it)
#I MEAN I LIKE MY BIRTHDAY SO ITS EXCITING BUT ITS STILL WEIRD YKNOW?#i dont fear aging tho... i wanna be a cool elder its my lifelong dream#also hi i promise im still here and getting thru this burn out#COMICS WILL BE ON THEIR WAY SOON I PROMISE YALL I PROMISEEE#social media is not my strong suit!!! HAHAHA#but i still love and appreciate each and every one of you sm thank u all for being here <333333333#just thought i would voice my thoughts here for a bit since i havent been too active recently HAHA#much love <3333333#bob talks
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wheres the "why is it so saaaad" image with the cat with big sopping watering eyes ouauauuugh how I feel is the embodiment of that
#ow....... my heart 🥹#im not even really sad about anything specific its just been such a long week. and probably the comedown is enhancing it#i just want to cry snottily into someones shirt for like half an hour and maybe ill be okay#its just so haaaard. and i think the meds do help a bit but it still takes effort on my part too. and it sucks a ljttle bit that theyll-#take a while to get used to and maybe therell still be some side effects anyway. and also they could be stopped by shortages at any time#i guess it just scares me a bit the idea of depending on smth like medication just to get a little closer to being a functional human#i wish that came with existing already.. but no point lamenting abt it. the cards have been dealt and its not all that bad really#i just want to be happy.... not all the time but maybe a solid 60-70% of the time. if thats not too much. dont we all girl!!#ah my life is pretty good as it is though and i have a lot to be grateful for. but im allowed to want a little more... right 🥹#im going to go to beddddd. hopefully ill sleep better tonight and tomorrow will be a nice day. at least i dont have to work yayy#ahhh. also its my birthday soon and it always makes me sad coming up to and having a birthday i dont know why..#i dont mind getting older but i guess it makes me feel quite reflective and sometimes its hard to think about the past/future#i want to be able to celebrate birthdays and let people be nice to me and have fun about it! and i say every year ill try better at it#but i never manage to get there it always feels like too much to ask for and too much to take.. ah. well its okay really#ill make myself a cake and do smth fun. and have a good cry at some point but thats just part of the day#not for another few weeks anyway.. okay 10pm lights out zzzz#.diaries
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As my luck would have it ob yes ob not sheffie literally just fucking died
#thats like what a death every other month this year#first my dad then my dog now my Healthy rat#literally on my birthday like this has gotta be some sick joke right?#he was my birthday present 2 fucking years ago n now he's taken from me on the literal fucking day#I'm obviously heart broken but I'm just fucking pissed off at life in general too#i expected sheffie to go soon since he's so old but ob was perfectly fine even now he doesn't even look dead he just he looks fine#i just dont know what to do right now#other then ball my fucking eyes out lol#I'm just not ready to let go he wasn't supposed to die not now#shut up rattie no one gives a shit lol#tw: death#tw: irl death#tw: pet death
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It seems to really be hitting my mum just how young she was when she had me in light of her upcoming birthday
#+Extra#like on the one hand she feels old cus its a big birthday coming up but on the other hand it seems to only just be hitting her just#how young she is to have a 22 year old daughter which is frankly old news at this point she was always too young just in denial#we had a very odd conversation last night in which she started off by saying that my soon go be 18 yr old brother and the 19 yr old#definitely arent responsible enough to watch the kids for a couple of hours while she gets her hair but then that its ridiculous that an#under 18 yr old (her phrasing) cannot open a bank account without a parent because she was entrusted with an entire human being at that#age and so he should be able to open a bank account by himself and i was listening like no thats the wrong conclusion its the opposite the#adults in your life shouldve been more concerned about you also what a revisionist recount saying that no one was concerned about you#having a baby at the age and it was probably because my dad was an adult so they felt they had no need to be concerned when i know all of#your family tried to express concerns that you wouldnt hear which led to years of animosity during my childhood staff at your college also#expressed concern as did your friends you just dont wanna admit that now. also how can they not be trusted with the kids for a couple of#hours when youre 15 minutes down the road as basically adults when 1 is going off to uni in September supposedly and the other has#basically moved out already and i was left entirely alone with the kids at younger than 15?#the sexism and gender stereotyping continues to perplex me#anyway hoping no one got to the end of this rant to add that im once again reminded that my birthday is actually just a day for my mum to#mourn the youth she missed out on by having a baby stupid young
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Another year closer to 25 🤡
#this is so depressing 😭#because i dont wanna graduate and i dont wanna move out for mba and shadi AND ADULTING JUST FEELS SO REAL WITH EACH PASSING YEAR#I JUST WANT TO STOP AGEING OR AN APOCALYPSE THAT ENDS EVERYTHING BECAUSE GROWING UP IS SO OVERWHELMING#just the fact that im in my twenties and not a teenager anymore is SO HARD TO DIGEST LIKE HOW DID THAT HAPPEN WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN#IM SORRY I WAS TOO BUSY BEING NUMB AND DEPRESSED TO REALISE I WAS GROWING UP AND I DONT EVEN REMEMBER MY 20TH FROM LAST YEAR WHICH IS SOON#GONNA BE 2 YEARS AGO AND THEN ILL BE 30 IN A FEW YEARS AND ALL OF THIS—MY LIFE— WILL FEEL LIKE A BLUR LIKE HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN#im deleting my tumblr on my 25th birthday. thats it#also a very serious question (istg im not being cocky) how do people in their early 20's decide they wanna get married or have kids#because oh boy its like everyone's getting married young and having babies like how do you feel youre ready because that is some MAJOR LIFE#ALTERING SHIT#HOW DO U WRAP YOUR HEAD AROUND IT#HOW DO U FALL IN LOVE AND KNOW THIS IS THE RIGHT PERSON GOOD GOD LIFE IS NOT THAT EASY BUT PLEASE SHARE LIFE HACKS AS TO HOW YOU FIGURED IT#ALL OUT#like anytime i think about shadi its like no im too selfish to share my personal space with another person and then having to interact with#their family is all SO FKING DRAINING ESP WHEN YOURE NATURALLY NOT A PEOPLE'S PERSON#like how do people not get the urge to runaway before their wedding because holyshit my 19 year old self couldnt deal with all that#responsiblity and neither can this 21 year old#like its being stuck between feeling old AND young simultaneously like as a baby why would i want to have my own baby 😭#and oh god the pain that comes with it makes me envy men SO BAD#like its so easy for u to say oh yeah lets have a baby and its gonna be shared responsibility BUT YOUR BODY DOESNT GO THROUGH HELL FOR THE#NEXT 9MTHS AND EVEN AFTER THAT I KNOW MY BODY WONT BE THE SAME AND SUE ME BUT IM NOT LOSING THIS FIGURE AND THEN FEEL SHIT ABOUT MYSELF WHEN#I DRESS UP WHILE YOURE OUT THERE CHEATING ON ME WITH OTHER WOMEN#i know not all men do that but knowing my luck i know i wont be ending up with the exception so fuck marriage and kids and having a family#and then he gets to excel at his career while i raise this kid and then few years down the lane when I consider getting a job again ill be#way behind in my field and i cant be financially independent. how do housewives not feel miserable? how do u make peace with catering to a#family#ZINDAGI KYUN AKELE NAHI GUZAR SAKTE BHAI LIKE IM ALREADY SO USED TO BEING ON MY OWN I DONT FEEL THE NEED FOR A HUSBAND OR BABY#WHY IS THAT THE ULTIMATE SETTLEMENT WHY CANT IT BE A GOOD JOB AFTER MBA#at this point the only way out of all that is death before 25 and im manifesting that for the next 4 years#i missed ranting on tumblr so much omg this feels heavenly
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becoming an adult soon and feeling weird about it
#weird and a little disheartening to think about how much of my childhood has been spent putting up w being disabled#i know turning 18 isnt actually a huge deal and it doesnt really mean ive lost much but#idk just weird to see everyone else my age going out to the movies or going to parties#or whatever else#and i sit at home in pain most of the time or too tired from pain to do anything#cause going out usually means being bedridden for two days#idk im getting closer to an actual answer and treatment but it took so many years#and im angry that i didnt get to do kid/teen stuff while i was still at that age#i know im young and i have stuff to do in the future when all this starts to get better so im not like incredibly panicked#im just kind of bummed. sort of angry#ive just had a really shitty year and it gets worse when it gets better lately#i am and will be okay i just feel like shit#i watch my little shows and find other stuff to be happy about but it sucks to have missed out#anyway not to get hashtag emo on main about having a birthday soon i just need to yell about it somewhere a little bit i guess#and hi to my friends im ok and im getting better in some places even though im upset about other stuff#i miss u n i love u and i hope the year has been okay so far <3#anyway i dont think i have to say it but dont rb im just angry at being disabled etc
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:)
#well its a new year its my birthday soon aaaand i have covid#yippee!#im so fucking mad about this like a i had plans for my weekend i was gonna clean and declog the drain#and i was also gonna try and set up this neat air plant or something terrarium i got for the holidays#im so tired and so grumpy about it and i figured it out 3 days too late to get the anti viral medicine#and so i gotta fight with the loa company so i dont gonto work with this#im not gonna but since im already halfway through the infection period im kinda tempted to just ask if they can remove my next 4 shifts#and call it close enough#you know i might try that anyway i double checked my schedule and its only three days#because i already used time for today and months ago requestes the 6 so i could have a long birthday weekend#blugh#why am i rambling
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today was one of those days where everything is just.. too much.
maybe it's the heat, maybe it's because my grandma was a bit more tired and confused than usual today, maybe it's because talking to a friend made me realise how incredibly boring and uneventful my summer is because i'm not going on any vacations and don't have exciting plans, but i'm in such a feeling-sorry-for-myself kinda mood and i hate it.
#ramblings#ughhhhhhhhhh i hate it i hate it a#i think it's also bc of my birthday coming up and turning 29 makes me realise i'll be 30 next year#which i KNOW means nothing but at the same time it's just a good opportunity for my brain to compare other ppls lives and mkne#*mine#and in the last years so many of old school friends etc started settling down getting married having kids etc#and like... i dont even want that#i was in the middle of my lets-have-a-gay-commune era when the pandemic hit and i became a caregiver with very little social life#and it just feels like.. i got maybe 3-4 years where i actually enjoyed my 20s and got to explore who i am and what i want#which is a lot and i'm grateful i even got to experience those yeare#years#but it also feels like i spent the last 3.5 years watching everyone else get on with their lives whilst mine is still on hold in many ways#ANYWAYS I KNOW IM JUST BEING DRAMATIC AND WILL PROBS DELETE THIS SOON BC ITS TOO PERSONAL#but i just needed to vent#and tumblr is the place to vent (sometimes)
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Barista and stoner skills are so transferable. Grind up a product to a specific grind level, pack it tightly into a special container. Smoke rings and latte art are the same. Doing it makes you hotter + bisexual. There's some weird masculinity attached to certain aspects, but also queer people flock to it. Looooooots of fun toys and accessories you can get to make it better, but the basics still work well. Only difference is one you pay for the addiction, the other it pays you.
#lav rambles#listen to my theories boy#i can make anything like anything#there is a similar sort of meditation to the process of making coffee and packing a bowl#i want more stoner/barista love idk#oh also you build up a tolerance so damn fast#god but im about to have two back to back crazy weekends#and i cant fucking WAIT for the money#its gonna be delicious#im blond#i got cute new clothes#im gonna make so much moneyyyyyyy#AND#im gonna get new glasses soon#and a haircut#first professional one since 2020 wooooo#i just dont trust myself to cut short hair#AND my birthday is next month!!! and im getting a tattoo!!!#kinda wanna get a piercing too#i really want a mouth piercing tho and shops arent really doing em rn#might get my septum once the fucking POLLEN calms down#im gonna be so hot this summer i cant wait
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Idek what to say at this point
#me talking#sexuality stuff#college :)#<- but also not really anymore but im just gonna count it because this is where i talk about my friends#so. i REALLY want to see cam as soon as. like if he asked to see me this week id find a way to fit it in.#BUT i cant just invite him along to spuds plans when theyre not MY plans because of the ''drama'' of it all.#and i dont even remember his schedule for this month— i might see if he can come to the 29th thingy but idk if hes free#we'll see.#MAYBE if i play my cards right hell invite me to something for his birthday but i doubt it and thats okay#either way (and the point of this update): were gonna be meeting uo beginning of next month just us two#-> which will be the first interacting irl since mid september!#we wanna go and see the.sub.stance so im hoping its still in cinema and well be exchanging birthday presents! so. yeah!#i am extremely anxious about it lmao#but i really wanna start talking to him more. i think ill ask him tonight/tomorrow for his number and then#that’ll lead to talking more and calling and then ill be more at ease for meeting up and seeing where it goes from there‼️#im hoping to be dating by the end of november tbh#i hadnt consciously had that thought before but yeah thats where im at#i just think thats a good amount of time (i mean.its a month and a half away) if we talk as much as i want to start officially considering—#us as at least more than friends.#also it just doesnt feel fair to me to hang on for too long if it feels like nothing is going anywhere.#but yeah! still cant tell if this is a foolish one situation or mastermind situation yet but! we'll see!
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hmmm....................... nine days left.......
#no idea what to do about it :P#i cant take a day off from work so i guess nothing too special#not jinxing SHIT but next week i might finally see.... a close friend of mine i havent seen in person in 8 years.......#rhea my beloved i miss you so badlyyy#but yea besides that noooo idea :P#maybe ill eat at my favorite asian restauranttt id love to eat with all of my friends#(whoever's available it is the dead middle of the week 😭😭😭)#idk feels weird. like its not special anymore. birthdays just get like that when you're older maybe i guess#20 was very special but that's like a big milestone. i dont think any other birthday of mine was that special.#ah well cheers to me. soon. in 9 days.#chris noises#misc
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Y’all I’m so goddamn nervous the day for the first day back at school is inching closer and closer and so is the day for my birthday 😿 I DONT WANNA BE 16 (it’s in 24 days bro I have time💀but still 😭)
But on the bright side my friend said she would give me a Hades cardboard cutout so 😽… YIPPEE
ALSO HADES THEMED BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR PUMPKIN- WHO SAID THAT WHAT??
(IK IN HER INFO SHEET RINA’S BIRTHDAY IS THE 27th but like let’s be fr…she wouldn’t be here without me yall 🙄😼 SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HER TOO)
#UHHH WHAT THE HELL DO I LABEL THIS TF#🖇yap time⏰#i 💙 blue men#HADES THEMED BIRTHDAY IS REAL (Probably won’t 😭💀 BUT I WILL TRY)#BYE THIS IS LITERALLY SO RANDOM HELP#random post#just talkin just to talk#IM SO NERVOUS FOR SCHOOL I DONT WANNA GO BACK BRO#LIKE I MISS THE PPL THERE THEYRE SO BAD BUT THEYRE SO FUNNY THEY ARENT REAL 💀#I MISS MY FRIENDS TOO BUT I DONT WANNA DO THAT WORK#MFS BE PASSING OUT ASSIGNMENTS ON THE FIRST DAY LIKE BRO#EW IM GONNA BE A JUNIOR EWWEWEWW#I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING OLD#SOON IT WONT BE 16 BUT 18 BRO IMA CARED#‘where do you wanna go to college’ CAN I PRETEND IM STILL A MIDDLE SCHOOLER FOR A LITTLE BIT LONGER 🙏😿
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yes this is going to be a rant about the weather im sorry but im fighting for my fucking life here HOW CAN THERE BE THIS MUCH POLLEN IN THE AIR WHEN ITS BEEN CONSTANTLY RAINING FOR BASICALLY 11 MONTHS AND 13DEGREES CELSIUS OUT??????? ITS MIDJUNE WHY IS IT THIS COLD IM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT
#saw a woman outside this morning with a winter coat and i cant blame her#10c in the morning 18c at most in the afternoon????#i hate heat but also i dont have a fireplace in my apartment and im cold af rn??? im wearing layers like im going outside in the fall help#its my birthday soon and i cant believe i havent even been able to wear shorts yet#everyone i know has a cold rn#I.NEED.SUN.#i need to go in the fucking river too fucking hell#cant even waterski bc the current is far too strong and dangerous cus its FUCKING RAINING BUCKETS ALL THE TIME#had a shit strawberry season bc of it#thankfully our tomatoes seem ok#but potatoes are going to be late af all over the country#if not just rotten tbh#ok im done now bye
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the way she looks at him here... goodness...
#ash rambles 💚#a heaven full of stars 💙❤️#the emotions..#but also#gah#IT SHOULD BE MEEEE#I WANT HER TO LOOK AT ASH LIKE THAT 😭😭😭😭#the way she's crying but her eyes are filled with nothing but love and admiration??#GAAAHHH IT SHOULD BE MEEEEE#she should be looking at her best friend of over a decade like that! the red to her blue! fire to her water! those ten years without her#were the most painful part of ash's life and i know she'd cry too seeinf a.qua again#i think a lot about how fucked up ash is mentally after the events of her game. her buddies t.erra and v.en? gone. her adopted father? gone#her best friend who she had fallen in love with? ash had to watch in horror as she fell into the darkness screaming and sobbing and begging#to just take her instead. you see ash punching at the ground a lot. the combination of all that + the fire spells she casts really did a#number on her hands and she keeps them wrapped up for over a decade since her scars are just another reminder of her not being good enough#man. what a character. i cooked.#anyways#my wife! i adore her so much! i spend so much time thinking about how I'm not good enough for her that i tend to forget that i love her#i love her with all my being and thats what matters#teehee i even have my plushie of her next to me rn!#man shes so perfect#just wanna wrap my arms around her waist and hold her close all night and tell her that i adore her#i should probably go to bed now lmao#another week of wondering if it's even worth it but hey! we persist! it's my birthday soon too!#... honestly I'm not excited (i feel kinda neutral) but come on! i try to see the silver lining in things! shitty week but at least I'll#have an excuse to eat cake!#... ive mentioned c.yberpunk p.hantom l.iberty so often around my sister in hopes she'll get it for me- i feel bad and honestly i dont even#need a gift but i cant deny that I've had this whole in my heart after i finished c.yberpunk sjshajdjw i need another fucking game to play#nothing is scratching that itch!!! and i tend to be picky about my games too#i mean if you have any recs for ps5 games feel free to lay them on me but like. still
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#im so sad#its my birthday and i really hate my birthday because i dont think living another year is an accomplishment#but its basically one of the only times my friends message me first#but only one of my friends messaged me happy birthday today#and one of them i sent a pic of my birthday dutch bros and they said happy birthday then#but i have 2 friends that ive been friends with for 10+ years#and on their birthdays im up at like 12:01am to tell them happy birthday#and if im not then i tell them as soon as i wake up the next morning#but i havent gotten one single thing from them today#i knew our friendships were crumbling before with how little we talk#and how im always the first to text#but idk i just wish for more i just want to be loved by the people i love#is that too much to ask?#apparently
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