#my birthday is less than 2 days away (aka on Wednesday)

[holysugu]

reading that other people also cry on their birthday and it wasn’t just me is actually rlly comforting. what’s with that ?? </33

[cainromainelettuce]

( non-binary ) haven’t seen CAIN ROMANOV around in a while. the BILL SKARSGARD lookalike has been known to be (+) RIGHTEOUS & (+) AMBITIOUS, but HE/THEY can also be (-) EVASIVE & (-) UNTRUSTING. The 24 year old is a SENIOR majoring in BUSINESS. I believe they’re living in EMERITUS, but I popped by earlier and no one answered the door. ( snot goblin. 20. EST. she/they. )

surprise !! i am the snot goblin ! (aka james aka saige aka amos aka aleta) !! i very much apologize for this intro being late !! and also for possibly being pretty long.

EDIT: i forgot to mention but 1. like this if u’d like to plot w/ him !! obv !! and then 2. if discord is easier for any of u, my thing is emo stan #3644 uwu

TW: CULT LIFE, HEROIN USAGE / ADDICTION, DRUG ADDICTION / USE / ABUSE, EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, ABUSE, MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ( PTSD, ANXIETY ). if i forgot anything PLEASE tell me !!

a e s t h e t i c s

dangling limbs from tree branches, yellowed book pages, opened bottles of vintage wine, oversized sweaters and deep under eyes, bleached denim, worn leather gloves, cat hair against black cloth, fields of wheat, broken windows, descending staircases, tight-lipped smiles during public appearances, golden skies, light spilling from windows, stumbling over one's own words, wire-framed beds, linens, wool scarves, making the wrong decisions; running, from others and yourself.

general information !!

full name: cain alexei romanov

nickname(s): cock and ball torture, N/A

b.o.d. - feb 19th, fuckin pisces

label(s): the fallen, the phoenix, the crestfallen, etc. etc.

height: 6′4″ jfc

hometown: rochester, ny babey !!

sexuality: bi...? bi. yes. bi.

pinterest

stats

biography !!

cain, like all of my other children, was born into a life of privilege. his father’s a senator of new york and his mother’s a philanthropist; both pretty prominent figures. cain is the eldest of five.

he was raised in mind of keeping a good public reputation, taught to be the perfect citizen. essentially, he was a golden child who could really do no wrong. as a child, he’d always aim to please his parents in any way he could.

this included joining several clubs during school, such as model UN, debate, DECA, etc. etc. as well as a few sports (soccer, track, basketball, lacrosse -- all throughout the years, not at once). pretty sure he’s been a class president once or twice, and has been in the lead for valedictorian.

his whole thing was that he was supposed to be perfect. volunteered on the weekends at homeless shelters and food banks and like...he just did The Most. the absolute most

this pleased his parents, and he never had a problem with them. life was good. they attended church on sundays, sometimes wednesdays, always did things as a Family. like, we’re talking family dinners and christmas photoshoots and new year eve parties.

probably lived in a gated community tbh

he went into college strong, started off as a double major in political science and business, lookin’ to take after both his parents. he’d Always been fairly close to tatiana, being around the same age as her. nothing freaky ever happened among them, and i wouldn’t have really called them...friends, if that makes sense? they were confidantes, they vented to each other for whatever reasons at the time.

however this whole ~do no wrong~ bearing was a charade. in the community and his families’ eye, cain was just this precious, hardworking citizen who gave back when possible.

those who actually, genuinely knew him knew he was just a dick lmfao

arrogant, harrowing, and an outright bully who tore down others when he felt like it -- often unprovoked. he was the senator’s son and a rich one at that, and ever since middle school he was just...mean !

because of his father and his family’s general position in the community, tattlers were the ones getting in trouble rather than cain, who’d often go without punishment for his attitude.

like...was That Bitch who’d actually, genuinely look down at somebody if they had less than him. just an absolute narcissistic dickhead who only cared about like, maybe two or three people outside of his family.

his only redeeming quality was probably his protectiveness over his siblings tbh -- even if he wasn’t ... the best person, nobody was rly allowed to fuck w/ his family.

this carried into college, he probably joined one of the frats too, y’know. known for keeping his composition even when others resorted to violence, ‘cos he never liked to get physical. it would’ve been bad for press, y’know ??

sometime during college, two important things happened.

the first one is that he became a sort of...middleman? broker? he wasn’t the one creating/growing what he was selling, but he wasn’t the one dealing them. y’know, he was the middleman. took drugs and sold them to dealers to sell, for profit, for funsies. very hush-hush for the obvious reasons.

the second is that he met earl and may meyers. they were fellow volunteers at a thanksgiving food drive, and the older couple were immediately drawn to cain -- and him to them, essentially. to this day he can’t tell you what about them had been so appealing. just, the air around them was something else entirely. some would probably call it unhinged. they were kind folks, very down to earth, very religious and warmhearted. they liked his name being cain a whole lot; told him that he reminded him of their late son.

i’d say the beginning of this was late junior year for cain. the couple volunteered more and more at the same places as cain, as often as he did -- which, in retrospect was odd -- but cain hadn’t really known better. being the Good Samaritan he acted as, he kept talking to them. it became a genuine friendship. a few months into it, they had started talking about like...the sin of wealth and what it does to your soul, god choosing only a select few to be saved when he eventually cleanses the earth, etc. etc. they claimed that cain was special, one of those to be selected, they could see it in his aura, etc. etc.

it was...oddly appealing to him? like hmm..maybe i am being constrained by capitalism and disappointing god!

but like...this was mostly because of a lot of emotional manipulation for a duration of months -- and he had never once suspected anything like that to be happening. cain had always been so sure of himself, that he’d never imagined one day being manipulated, even if he was manipulative himself.

earl and may told him that they were going to leave rochester, that there were so many more who had the same ideals as them -- it was time to join them, to be saved. cain held off from this, as a senior in college by now.

after all, he had his perfect lil family and a good side-business going on, and he had a long term girlfriend who put up with his shenanigans. cain was still an absolute asshole to others but he had at least found his crowd to all be collectively awful and full of themselves, y’know?

over winter break, however, cain had a change of heart pretty suddenly. 

for the third important thing had happened.

it had started off as a pretty average, normal day. christmas had gone and passed -- it was one of the days between christmas and new years eve, y’know? a period of days where time nor place is real. like walmart at midnight, or an empty 7/11 parking lot. during a seemingly normal conversation about his ancestry with his mother, she had suddenly broken down in sobs.

it was during this discussion that she revealed, to cain only -- that he was not his father’s son.

the beginning of vaughn and adelaide’s marriage had a pretty...rocky start, to say the least, and in a night of petty anger, adelaide had cheated on vaughn. this resulted in the pregnancy that wound up with cain.

the news rocked cain’s world in a very bad way, the sort of way that breaks a person. his entire life he looked up to his parents, did everything they ever asked of him, molded himself into perfection for the hope of being a sliver of a man his father was. and to learn that his father was not, actually, his father?

within the week he’d gotten into several altercations, both sober and drunk, and had landed in county jail overnight. nobody knows where cain went on new years eve, but he hadn’t skipped town until the third -- according to tatiana, who had received one last gift from him on the 2nd (her birthday).

then, he was gone. it wasn’t a missings person ordeal -- cain had made it very known that he was leaving rochester and that he had skipped town. hadn’t even broken up with his girlfriend before doing so. hell -- hadn’t even told the people he worked for. 

BEGINNING OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS

only earl and may knew where cain went. because he went with them to the place they had told him so much about. this was the fourth most important thing to happen to him, because it changed his life.

cain didn’t know what a cult looked like, but it felt pretty accurate to hollywood’s interpretations. they lived separate from society in rural new york -- not nearly as far away as cain would’ve liked, but thank god in the long run for that. the people wore white, linens and cotton. there was no technology, just prayer and daily chores. money meant nothing, there.

i want to keep this part relatively short, so i’ll try my hardest. cain was only in the cult for three-ish months before he escaped. the beginning was grand -- it was peaceful, it was mind-clearing. he was treated as something special, his name being some sort of ... message, a sign that he’d been a gift for the group. that he’d be, ultimately, an eventual leader for them. however -- the longer he stayed with them, the more apparent it became that he wasn’t the messager they had long waited for.

he began slipping up. they became displeased with him. punishments occurred. sometimes once a week, sometimes multiple. he remembers hundreds of hands, pulling and tugging and gripping and begging -- asking him to repent, please, repent, and submergence on more than one occasion. these were not the worst.

 they were convinced that he couldn’t truly be cleansed of his sins unless he forgot his past life.

fun fact: heroin in small doses, daily, can lead to memory loss.

though it’d only been around three months of this -- it really felt longer to cain. time wasn’t a concept. there was only the ground they walked on, and god, and that was that.

drugged and weakened but still kickin’, he had gotten into a particularly violent, brutal fight with earl. this was the last straw. cain had attempted to murder his ‘brother’. this led to his next punishment.

in a particularly twisted reenactment / retelling, cain had been branded with the cult’s interpretation of the mark of cain (they were going to be accurate and place it upon his forehead, but after a lot of resistance [he bit somebody] it was, begrudgingly, placed atop his heart instead) and left for dead in the middle of nowhere.

by all means, he probably should’ve died. by miracle, though cain was no longer a believer -- he was found by a farmer.

END OF CULT / DRUG / MOST OF THE TRIGGER WARNINGS. PROCEED WITH CAUTION. STILL MENTIONS OF TRAUMA / MENTAL HEALTH / RECOVERY BEYOND THIS POINT.

by early april he’d been reunited with his family. things went very fast, suddenly, for him. recovering from his forced addiction, and the trauma he’d been put in within only a small amount of months -- and his father’s reputation -- his mother’s inability to look him in the eye -- cain took matters into his own hands and, rather than return to lockwood, put in his transfer to hendrix.

because he’s a grown man who, while recovering from being in a cult, can still make his own decisions even if they’re irrational. he should’ve taken a year off, really, and recover. but he couldn’t imagine staying in his house, either, and generally ?? his mind was just a very messy place.

he went to hendrix a s a p, before his term in the summer even began. he wound up at hendrix a few weeks (like...three?) before the lockwood kids and was very dismayed to find out that oh, coincidence, there’s an abroad semester attending !!

so that’s sort of where he’s at rn.

personality !!

okay so...douchebag cain is No More. they’re retired.

to the hendrix students they’ve familiarized themself with, they’re a pretty quiet person. well-meaning, kind enough if not a little sarcastic. sort of distant, not much for parties. smokes weed and like, drinks occasionally, but not much else. definitely doesn’t do anything harder. 

they’ve got four cats. that’s their entire personality. four cats. they got them all after transferring to hendrix and like ... no regrets ?

i imagine their parents still pay for their schooling ‘cos it’s not like their father Knows that cain’s not his child. if anything, vaughn just thinks that cain suffered a mental breakdown and needed a break.

anyways. they love their cats a lot. like, probably has photos of them in their wallet.

as mentioned above, their memory is pretty...fucked up right now. they don’t forget anything major, but there are days where it takes them a while to remember faces or names and sometimes they wake up and won’t know where they are.

not that they really...sleep a lot? they have night terrors, which fuck with their sleep schedule. they sleep only for a few hours each night because the nightmares are too bad.

cain suffers from severe touch aversion. skin-to-skin contact of any sort is enough to send them into a pretty bad panic attack. they wear leather gloves more often than not, because it helps without hindering them too much. they’re not the biggest fan of body contact in general, even with clothes, but it won’t send them into a panic like bare skin will. they make sure their few friends know that they don’t really like physical contact at all.

they’re dealing with PTSD, attends therapy every week. keeps an entire journal where they write b/c it helps them cope. it’s like, everything to them.

they’re...sort of like...blunt? they won’t go out of their way to be like ‘hey i joined a cult and it fucked me up pretty badly’ but they won’t lie about it either if the topic somehow comes to that. they don’t like delusions, but they don’t like drawing unnecessary attention to them either.

lockwood students being at hendrix makes them pretty anxious, just because they were looking to sort of ... rebuild themself into a better person, and like pretty much most students at lockwood knows how much of a massive tool they used to be. not to mention like, their plugs and customers they screwed over by leaving, and their ex girlfriend who they’re still probably in love with ?? but it’s just complicated now.

smokes weed to soothe them rather than just get high. is probably stoned often.

doesn’t really like cars! or swimming! or crowds. doesn’t like to feel trapped.

whenever they’re overwhelmed and needs to be away from everything, they’ve developed a habit of climbing into trees. they won’t suddenly go jump in a tree during a conversation, but more so at night or when they need to think.

probably trying to redeem themself in some sort of way. because while they want to avoid the lockwood students as much as possible, that’s not right. they want to fix the shit they’ve done and be a better person, because the whole...situation they’ve been in has opened their eyes.

uuuhh...there are days where they forget that tatiana’s dead. so that’s sad.

i wouldn’t be surprised if people from lockwood were suspicious of cain, considering they left rochester only a week or so before tatiana went missing, and just so happened to come to hendrix around the same time eva went missing ??

oh !! cain developed a stutter, and their voice is a little damaged from...screaming. a lot. in general they look a little gaunt, a little unhealthy. 

they can still definitely hold a conversation, and like i said they’re pretty...lowkey. soft, sort of. generally a quiet person and while they’re not the most social, they won’t be a direct asshole or anything. likes people! just...has low energy.

goes by he/they, doesn’t really care which one as he alternates pretty frequently.

dropped the political science part of his major and like...unfortunately is very much unhappy with being a business major atm. he might just go through another four years of college in a diff major or fuck off all together.

EDIT: i forgot to mention that he’s sort of really into the investigation of the cult he was part of b/c they’re still like...out there. also fascinated by the watershed app and shit, ‘cos they fucking...hate this shit with a passion. probably willing to stick their nose into places they shouldn’t

wanted connections !!

so first and foremost, cain would’ve been known around lockwood. connections relating to that would be v much appreciated !!

mostly enemies or people they’ve wronged, tbh, ‘cos he was a massive dick.

exes they’ve dumped, hook ups, ex-friends, people he’s gotten into arguments or fights with.

his ex gf would be gr8 . if anybody would like some angst.

uuhhh i’d imagine he’d know a few of the other prominent families from rochester, especially. not to say that they would’ve all gotten along.

hendrix pals !! give me some solid friendships based on mutual respect.

people cain used to receive drugs from and people he used to send those drugs to.

ex-party pals ??

people suspicious of them b/c cain was/is a very suspicious person. people still angry at them.

let them RECONNECT and FIX FRIENDSHIPS

people he’d bully or fuck with or whatever.

wholesome shit. angst shit. slowburns, anyone ?!? enemies to friends. friends to enemies. enemies to bigger enemies.

i’m not taking hook-ups for....obvious reasons.

but sexual tension is welcomed. maybe a sexting thing ??

ppl they DON’T even know that well but hATE his dAD because FUCK POLITICIANS y’know ?!?

old pals from lockwood, if i didnt mention that.

i imagine a lot of conversations w/ lockwood kids begin like ‘this is where u fucked off to, huh?’ b/c like....they told everybody they were ditching rochester. it wasn’t a secret or a shock. but it’s still like huh. u bastard.

people who are soft for them ??

people who are hard on him ??

make his life difficult but also uuuhh uwu him

[miky91ftw]

The Stravaganza Series: An attempt at in-universe timeline (2/3)

See part 1 and the general premises here: [X]

hey everyone! It took me a while, but I was finally able to re-read and annotate both City of Flowers and City of Secrets, thus compiling the second part of the Stravaganza series timeline. Although the death bell tolls like crazy in these two chapters (especially in CoF), luckily the space-time continuum is pretty much stable, and time flows at the same speed on both end of the gate, allowing us to trace a perfect one on one correspondence between the events in Talia and what is going on in London.

This said, let’s get started with the analysis without further ado:

CITY OF FLOWERS

General timespan: from early March 2005/1579 to late April 2005/1579 (approx. 2 months). To commence, let’s fix some points to orient ourselves: Easter in 1579 falls on April 19. The day Sky stravagates for the first time coincides with the last day of Carnevale in Talia, Martedì Grasso (Shrove Tuesday), which happens exactly 40 days before Easter. Thus, we can pinpoint March 10 as the day when the story starts to move (despite the wedding being in the works supposedly for a couple of months at least). 

After Easter, we know that the weddings, the Nucci massacre and the flooding of the Argento rivers all happen on the following Tuesday (April 21). These are the most important dates for the overall plot, but, taking into account that (aside from the short Devon holiday) Sky stravagates almost daily, we can deduce most of the dates for all the other notable events in the book, such as:

Sky performs his epic coup de theatre, calling Nick Falco and revealing his status as Stravagante the day right after his first Stravagation, on March 10*, 2005 (England Time)

On March 11 (Talian Time) Sky and Suien visit Colle Vernale, while everyone else is freaking out about the weddings.

On March 12 (TT) Niccolò gets poisoned, and Carlo kills Davide Nucci in retaliation.

Between March 13 and April 6 (the day after Alice stravagates) the events can be placed with absolute precision - this is mainly due to the fact that, while we know that on Easter (March 27, 2005) most of the Barnsbury kids are in Devon for the school break, there are not exact indication of the dates they leave and return to London. Yet, we know that the day after Alice stravagates is less than two weeks away from the wedding, so it should be at least April 7 (TT). This sort of makes sense since we know that all the preparation for the wedding stravagation, the talisman exchange and Alice’s involvement in the operation takes at least a week, at the beginning of which Colin (aka Rainbow Warrior, Sky’s dad) celebrates his birthday (which is stated to be on April 1). Meanwhile, people in Giglia are still freaking out about the weddings.

the Holy Week in Talia starts on April 13 (Monday). On Thursday (16) Jacopo and his family arrive in Giglia, while Alfonso & co. arrives only on Friday (17). Finally, the pope arrives on the day before the wedding (Monday, 20) as he had to stay in Remora to perform the Easter Mass there. On Monday, after the celebrations are over, Niccolò proposes to Arianna (ew.) 

In England, meanwhile, Loretta discovers about Sky’s existence only on April 17, and Rainbow Warrior meets his son on the following day (April 18).

After the bloody events of the wedding, the following week has the Nucci surrendering on Wednesday (April 22, TT), and the fateful duel between Niccolò and Luciano on the Friday (April 24, TT). With the death of the Duca  and the Bellezzan delegation departure, the day after the duel is also the one where Silvia and Rodolfo get married (April 25), thus concluding the main plot of the book.

Concerning the age of the characters during the book, here’s what we can infer from previously known information:

Luciano and Arianna are both 17, turning 18 the next fall. Georgia is 16, and will soon turn 17 (as briefly mentioned in chapter 4). Falco is 15, and will turn 16 in November per my previous headcanon.

As for Sky, we know that he’s in the same year as Georgia, but it is hinted in chapter 17 that he already urned 17. This most likely puts his birthday in the first part of the year, probably between January and February (as Capricorn and Aquarius both fits his character, astrologically speaking XD)

Now, if you think that packing all the action of City of Flowers in a timespan of less than 50 days may seem too intense, get ready for the next entry, aka

CITY OF SECRETS 

General timespan: apparently, people in Padavia run on caffeine 24/7**, as all the main events take place in less than a month, specifically from October 11 2005 (ET) to the night of the Manoush execution, November 4 1579 (TT). Padua is a crazy city, no matter the timeline. 

We can pinpoint the starting date by the fact that Matt’s first Stravagation happens on the night of his 17th birthday, and he arrived in Padavia on the day of Arianna’s 18th birthday (October 12). Since we can infer from the text that, when you stravagate, you arrive in Talia on the day after the one you were back in England, this means that Matt’s birthday is on October 11. This means that Matt was born in the same year as Georgia and Sky, but, since his birthday is after August 31, he is in the year behind them (a search on the web informed me that the threshold for school admission in the Uk is August 31. Can anyone confirm this? FYI, in Italy we go by solar year, aka all children that turn 6 by December 31 are in the same year).

The final date, November 4, marks the Manoush execution, the solar eclipse*** and the  great Padavia fire. We know his as soon as chapter 22, when the date for the execution is fixed two days after the Manoush’s capture, which happens in the night between November 2 and 3. 

Similarly to what happened to CoF, Matt is seen stravagting almost every night, so we can keep count of the passing days to date the main events in the story, mainly:

Rinaldo arrives to Padavia around October 14, and the laws are passed in the following days (most likely on October 16 - a Saturday - which, as stated by Constantin, is considered a working week just like the others in Talia).

Deathridge arrives to Padavia on Friday 15, where he holds his first lesson at the University. We know that the third lesson is the following Friday (October 22), so the second lesson must have taken place between these two days (I’d say either on Tuesday 19)

The aforementioned assumption are strengthened by the fact that the Monday after Matt’s arrival is a holiday, more specifically St. Luke’s day, falls on October 18.

The day after the third lesson (thus, Saturday 23 October) we are introduced to our favourite red-haired bastard prince, the problematic fave™️ of the saga, Ludovico Vivoide. 

Given that the day of St. Raphael falls too on a Monday in Talia (October 25), we can place on the day before (Oct. 24, ET) Ayesha’s encounter with Jago, followed the day after by Matt cursing his “rival” with the Evil Eye. The situation gets solved on the 27, with Lucian returning briefly in England and meeting his parents. After he returns to Talia, on October 28 he manages to do well at his lecture, eventually sealing his fate as far as Filippo di Chimichi is concerned.

Also, sometimes around the 25, our favourite spy Enrico gets captured by Lucian, who forces him to take a bath, despite his protest. One of the highest moment of the saga, tbh.

The day after the lecture (Friday, October 29) we are introduced to Doc. Angeli and we know about the public dissections held at University. Luciano will be saved from Angeli’s unknowing tolls the following Thursday, on November 4.

To conclude, the final arc of the story takes place between Halloween (October 31, in England) and the three days of the Manoush festival. While Matt falls asleep in his room and the party at Chrissie’s goes on, the boy is kidnapped and beaten up in Padua (November 1, day of the Dead). Filippo accidentally stravagates, is scared by Ayesha, and finally everything gets solved before morning (November 2) arrives. 

As said before, the Manoush are captured on the night of November 2, the trial takes place the morning after (Nov. 3) and the execution is set for the 4th.

The events in the epilogue stretched between November 4 and January 1st 1580, the day where Bino is born in Giglia. Although he is “a little ahead of his time” we can infere that he was conceived right after the wedding, no later than April****. 

Aside from that, the epilogue informs us that Barbara and Marco get married, Matt gets his driving licence and we can only hope that Luciano finally manages to study for more than two days without being interrupted. As i said, CoSe is a wild ride. Go read it.

ADDENDUM 1: By the end of the fourth book, the character’s ages are: Luciano and Arianna > 18 Matt and Georgia > 17 Sky > 17, possibly already 18 Nick > 16

ADDENDUM 2: FOOTNOTES

*: the reason why I believe that the arrival day in Talia is the one right after the starting day in England, as explained, can be inferred mostly by looking at the CoSe timeline. 

**: it IS a university city, after all.

***: look, the moon phase seems to be pretty much on pair between worlds, but there is no records of a partial moon eclipse on November 4, 1579 (none that I’m aware of, at least). We can, however, headcanon it as Doctor’s Deathridge illusionary magic extravaganza, as A) they needed a distraction/something to cause a sensation among the crowd and solve the situation B) he’s actually a proficient astronomer, and knows how this kind of phenomena looks like, and the effect they have on people C) he’s Rodolfo’s master, and heaven knows what sort fo great magic he is actually capable of D) the fact that he used a mass illusion without telling the others but knowing that Luciano and co. would still be able to use it as a tool to free the Manoush is objectively cool as heck. 

****: or, it could have been conceived before the wedding, who knows 👀

IN CONCLUSION: THAT’S ALL FOLKS SEE YOU FOR PART 3 IN [redacted] MONTHS!

[asteroidproject]

2017: What Was All That About?

Here we are at the very end of 2017. What was all that about? Just like the Queen, I like to make an annual address to my people. Read on . . .

Well, I learned how to swim a little bit. I learned that the faster I propel myself through the water, using arms and kicking legs, the less I sink, and the easier it is for me to pop my mouth out of the water and breathe. I also learned that when I swim on my back, I can breathe as much as I want, because the water is beneath me.

My goal in swimming is to be able to end up being one of those dudes who can swim up and down the Slow Lane a few times for relaxation and exercise. I may be able to attain this goal in 2018 - who knows? And if I achieve that, my next goal is to learn how to tinker some melodies on the piano.

I learned that lungs are very important for swimming and for successful living, and healthy lungs are even more so.

Asthmatic symptoms gave way to a general sense of not being able to breathe anymore. This reached a crescendo at 8.30am on the morning of Friday February 17th, when I walked into the staff room for our briefing and found myself suddenly clutching the back of the chair and feeling faint. I went straight home and straight to the doctor, and after a few days of dithering around with antibiotics and a few doctor theories about the virus pneumonae-something, I went back to work on Wednesday February 22nd, found I couldn’t breathe again, and promptly drove myself to the hospital, where I stayed for a week.

I was assigned a respiratory physician and all sorts of tests were done, including a very prolonged heart ultrasound. The heart was declared healthy but the pneumonia was found, and I was given all sorts of drugs and needles. For two nights I endured the moaning and spluttering and domestic arguments of a very sick man in my shared room before I was sent to my own private room. It was a time of quiet and stillness, but a lonely time. I felt utterly useless to Beck and the kids. Books, food and movies on my iPad were helpful, but I was weak and wasting away. When I came out I was thin and pathetic. My muscles had vanished. I think I was treated like an elderly gentleman and not the Adonis that I actually am. I was given no physiotherapy, and out I came wasted and woeful.

I slowly started recovering but it took so long. When I was finally able to drive and cook again I regained my usefulness to my family. My doctor said I could go back to work two and a half weeks later but that didn’t work out at all, and so for the remainder of Term 1 I was a recovering wheezing house husband.

I remember sitting on the couch in the hot March weather, watching Breaking Bad and Six Feet Under, reading books and feeling really weak and poorly. I remember when we went to choose our adorable doofy puppy Hagrid how sick I felt. Woe is me. But I’m better now.

Happily for me, while I was sick the brave ones back at Warburton Primary School kept me in the dark about what was going on back there. I met with Amy and Kerri during the Easter holidays and all was laid out for me. I won’t go into the details but in Term 2 I became the recovering wheezing Principal whose job it was to fix up a few major problems, none of which were the fault of the brave ones. My teaching load had to be reduced because I could barely talk without running out of breath.

Anyway, I slowly got better and we turned the school-ship around, away from the treacherous rocks and back into good sailing, and we caught up and overtook and at the time of writing it’s all’s well and back to our school strategic plan, with 15 new Preps, an unprecedented number for the new year.

I learned that set-backs can be overcome, if you stay true to the original aim.

I also learned that there is an absolute limit to the giving you can do in a job that is all about giving. A Give-O-Meter of some sort is required.

I learned that the old saying “without your health you have nothing” is true.

I learned that the impact a life can make on others is profound. We lost my dear sister-in-law Sharon in May and the dignity and strength she showed in her last days was inspiring. Sharon’s thoughts were fixed on Paul and her children and she provided. I stayed with the family overnight after she died and I hope I was of comfort to them. Sharon is resting at Yan Yean Cemetery in line with a beautiful big tree.

Two more funerals took place; that of a former colleague and that of a respected member of the Upper Yarra community. Two more cherished lives celebrated.

I learned that the more you dress up, the more you can get noticed for being a dickhead in public. I dressed up as Mary Poppins for Book Week celebrations and everyone thought I must have had training in the theatre or something. I dressed up as Santa for Christmas celebrations at school. Each year I become more accomplished as Santa. It’s a bit like those superhero movies where you see the origins of the suits and the super powers, and the suits get better and the powers get used for better purpose as time, experience and practice goes on.

I learned that President Donald Trump likes to eat packets of chips and McDonalds. I started thinking privately that what Donald Trump needs is more chips and more McDonalds. I started thinking that ordinary people like you and me should start sending Donald Trump packets of chips to eat and vouchers for McDonalds. These are no longer private thoughts. Do with them what you will.

I learned that if I spend enough time on handyman activities, I can get a few things accomplished. Key achievements and deliverables include re-attaching the skirting boards, attaching new curtain rods and doing some kick-arse mowing and slashing. I also painted most of a wall and it turned out ok.

I learned that I have reached peak-coffee and I doubt I can have any more coffee in 2018 than I had in 2017. I am still attaining peak-whisky, however, with the assistance and mentorship of Becksy. Peak-Star Wars is much more frequent these days with a new movie coming out every year or so. The experience of being utterly wigged-out before the appearance of those yellow titles on the cinema screen is inexplicable to those who do not belong to my particular legion of fanboy. There has been some controversy about the new Star Wars movie, but you are currently reading the words of someone who still thinks The Phantom Menace is a better movie than Return of the Jedi (#UnfollowMeNow). Of course I fucking loved The Last Jedi. Ring out the old, ring in the new.

I didn’t need to learn how blessed I am to be in a married relationship with Becksy. We have just celebrated our 18th Christmas; our 17th year of being An Item aka Stepping Out aka Courting; our 15th year of being married; our 14th year of being parents. Lots of cliches can be inserted here, such as how she is my rock, my ship, my train, my tower of strength, my flashlight, my comfort, my best friend. It must suck for those of you who aren’t married to Becksy. We have both had a difficult year in the professional sphere but what a comfort it is to have each other to offloading, downloading and uploading, through all the difficult times at work and all the strange situations we have had to deal with. It would be much easier if we won Tattslotto and then we would both retire. I am grateful for the two days we took in December when we practiced retirement in the Grand Hyatt hotel, Melbourne.

I didn’t need to learn about Harrison, Benjamin and Lucinda, who kept growing despite our attempts to feed them proportionate amounts of salad. Harry is taller than me and one day he may well be a lot richer than me, and will definitely be some kind of entrepreneurial genius who drives a yellow Lamborghini. Benny is thirteen and the impending doom of teenagehood has meant that he can’t help but sleep in nowadays, when he used to be the first kid awake, all the time. Lucy is eleven, and she is obsessed with Eleven from Stranger Things and it is entirely my fault that she has been listening to Hamilton the musical non-stop since January. Our family in-jokes have reached a new level of sophistication and wit, as has our viewing habits. The Wiggles and Peppa Pig are far below us now and I’m the only one watching Pinocchio.

There is a whole lot more I have learned but I can’t write about everything. Sunsets and books have sustained me; I love my little family and my family loves me; I enjoy my work and the people I work with, both big and small. I don’t know if I’m just a lucky bastard or if I have earned this inner wellness. In any case I wish to stay healthy and safe in 2018: 10 years since I started feeling like I could be a pretty good teacher; 20 years since I started work at Blocky HQ; 30 years since I helped our cat give birth to kittens; 40 years since I wore that cool red shirt on my 6th birthday.

May your new year be filled with great learning.

[thewrongjackpot]

I scrapped what I was originally typing because I just wasn’t feeling going in and recapping the past other two weeks or so play by play. 

I’ll give a “brief” summary of what has more or less happened. 

One of the meds for chemo can cause some very bad bouts of diarrhea. Essentially it hit me so hard, despite preventative measures and meds, this past Thursday I had to be admitted to the hospital again for some serious dehydration. I had become so weak, I had to have my mom push me around in a wheelchair. I couldn’t walk 10 feet without feeling like I needed to sit down. I spent my birthday (Friday) here in the hospital. 20 million more things have gone wrong since I’ve been here. I’ve spiked a fever, my red blood cells count became pretty low, and I needed two blood transfusions, and my potassium, calcium, and magnesium were all low. I’m probably missing something in there. The night my potassium was low, I don’t think I got more than an hour of sleep. All of this was happening overnight. I had an EKG at like 2 in the morning, and that night there was something almost every hour. Almost all of those additional issues have been resolved at this point. 

They stopped my feeds, and I was on bowel rest and getting my nutrition via IV (TPN). This went on for days. They started to very slowly introduce feeds on Friday (2/28), I think, and yes still in the hospital. At this point, the only thing I was told keeping me from being discharged was weaning me off the IV nutrition and getting my feeds back to normal. They started a day at 10ml/hr then the next day bumped it up by another 10. Note: I need to be at 115ml/hr. On Sunday (day 11 in the hospital) during rounds, they told me that I can go at whatever pace I feel comfortable with on my feeds, and I could get discharged the next day. So from 30ml/hr, by this next morning I was at my 115ml/hr, ready to be discharged. Only thing standing between me and freedom was a visit from anesthesia (I'll get into that need in a second). Someone finally stopped by after having been told someone would since Thursday or Friday. So okay, my mom is starting to pack our things. We're getting ready to leave, and my nurse walks in with some fun news. Apparently, there was some lapse in communication somewhere, and I needed to stay admitted because I needed to get Barium in me at 2:30AM to help with the procedure tomorrow. This news was dropped on me at about 1PM, about an hour and a half away from projected discharge. SO, I'm not getting discharged until Wednesday, which will mark two full weeks of being in the hospital. 

Why not until Wednesday? Well, this goes back to getting rescanned at radiation. The doctor is making a new plan for radiation to now include some of my right lymph nodes in the radiation field. They were questionable looking before in older scans, but now they're sure there is some tumor in there. Due to this, the doctors are worried that now the radiation is on my whole neck, if something happens with my NG tube, they won't be able to get one back in. SOOOO, I have to get a direct feeding tube placed into my stomach (aka a G tube) so that I can get my feeds that way. We were waiting on anesthesia for a while to meet with me to see what the options were about sedation, full or just local. And since my mouth likes to be complicated, they can't do it the simple and least invasive way, which is to put a camera down into my stomach, and basically just use a needle to insert the tube when it's in the right placement. I'm going to need a small incision in my stomach to place the tube. It should be a lot of fun. I hope I can be fully sedated, but with my track record, I doubt it. Oh, and after the procedure, I have to stay a night, hence discharge on Wednesday. (Fun fact: I was able to be fully sedated, that that process was a dooezy)

(Continued 3/14) I got busy after the discharge on 3/4 because we were moving and it's kept me fairly busy. So I have the G tube in now. After the procedure, man did it hurt! Since there was an incision in my abdomen, any time I engaged my core, so almost any movement, it would hurt tremendously. Taking oxy didn't even help me. It's been a week and a half since and it's still a little sore and still healing. I get these sutures out next week.  

Also, last bits of updates, I'm scheduled to get a port in me next week since I'm able to be fully sedated now. The doctors have been telling me that I'll be hospitalized because of the radiation side effects, and I feel like there's a good chance it could be next week already.  My throat is starting to hurt tremendously when I swallow, and there's more sores in my mouth and taking the pain meds I have aren't helping. The only nice thing is that this hospitalization has been expected (unlike all other three hospitalizations), so I can kind of mentally and physically prepare for it, like I'm packing more things to do while hospitalized. I could be there for the remainder of radiation treatments and possibly some after, which is currently scheduled to end on the 30th. However, my radiologist said that they may add a few more sessions because the golf ball in mouth isn't as small as they would like it by the end of this.  

So, that's the past about three and a half weeks or so of updates. So much went on that this didn't come earlier as intended. I intend for the next one to be a more mental and emotional update. I've been meaning to do a bigger one of those because I have some things to get off my chest. Till next time. 

[proofsaretalk]

rapidly barreling toward that 1k mark

The title is not what this post is about. (cw: five pages of boring navelgazing)

------

Sometimes, when I get really close to going to bed after staying up for far too long, I will say things like “What are you doing?” And I normally think about that as just my not-quite-totally-mentally-healthy ass’s way of saying “go to bed bro”

But somehow when I said it tonight the question sounded a lot more urgent. A lot more confused. A lot more like a question, in other words.

And I think best in writing.

So here are the basic facts:

I am very tired right now (4am)

I was (less) very tired about four hours ago

I intentionally chose to not go to bed four hours ago, 

After watching a really good SGDQ run.

I actually very much enjoy SGDQ runs.

But I did not spend the intervening four hours watching SGDQ runs.

Primarily because I knew I would not stay awake by doing so.

I more or less knew, when I made that decision, that I would be awake at 4am.

See 3.4.

I have been going to bed around 2-3am for the last couple days.

This schedule initiated by me staying up way too late on Sunday of last week, for reasons that were equally unreasonable but at least more familiar.

I need to be awake in 3 hours, or, at most 4 hours.

I have known for several days that I would need to be awake at 7am on Monday morning.

Less basic facts, with notably more reporting bias, probably:

The reason that I need to be awake at 7am on Monday morning is because I am going on a road trip with my dad and my roommate.

I am mostly going on this road trip because I want to spend more time with my dad.

And also because I want to signal to him that I want to spend more time with him.

Which I definitely feel like I have not, although I have had dinner with him for three nights this week; in no small part because I was in Montreal when he arrived and have not done a lick of work to help care for my grandmother while he was in town. 

In particular I don’t really care about where we’re going or what we’ll do there.

I intended to drive both ways— which I never told anyone that I was intending to do, which I suppose was good because I will certainly not do that now.

Maybe we’re approaching the actual reason I am doing this obviously stupid thing, Part I:

My main goals this summer are, in priority order

to get a fucking advisor, 

a.k.a. to work hard enough and deep enough on commutative algebra to determine whether it is a good idea to be Christine’s student, and

if so, to then decide whether I should work with Vic anyway.

to reach the 1k posts in 1k days goal with OTAM, 

which requires essentially exactly two posts per day every day for the remainder of the summer

which is, to an unbelievably strong level of consistency (like literally I do not believe it), four hours +/- 40 minutes of work.

that’s it

i fucking hate it when my family asks me “what have you been doing lately” because it’s like

I’M READING

I’M BLOGGING

THAT’S IT

Anything I do beyond this is— though it be, to some extent, necessary for keeping my sanity— something I perceive as an annoyance and do with a fair bit of guilt (which I do try to put off until after doing the thing, usually pretty successfully).

and you know what, yes, if I’m being honest, that includes spending time with my family

even though this is 110% my own damn problem and if I had locked myself in my room this week, my dad (in particular) would totally have understood

although he lives 1600 miles away, and is only here for two weeks, and his birthday is tomorrow, and I missed out on seeing him the first week because Montreal, because my dad is a pure cinnamon roll lol no but is (in particular) genuinely understanding about this stuff; the whole midwesterner guilt trip passive-aggressive thing is very much not his aesthetic

and also I really haven’t spent that much time with my family besides this week so. [ At most 3hrs/week previously ]

I have two blog posts scheduled for tomorrow and another one besides; that is, enough that I can go on the trip and wake up late on Tuesday and I won’t experience any interruptions

I was highly embarrassed that I had to miss the second Friday post this week

I spent a lot of time on Saturday working with the specific intention of having a large enough buffer to make sure that this did not happen again on Tuesday.

aka 4 blog posts

aka 12 hours of blogging, because the rate of 2hr/post only applies to the first two posts in a day, after which the evidence suggests (more on that below) that it’s a complete shitshow.

aka nothing else got done, which is relevant because

For the first time on our regularly scheduled Thursday meeting time, Christine actually gave me something to do — previously it was mostly entirely me being like “I’m reading the book, here are my questions”.

I have done essentially no work toward doing that thing.

See 3.4

See also 2.2 from the previous section.

I have never felt happy about the amount of time that I’ve been devoting to the algebra 

See 1.3.5 oh god this is becoming a labrynth isn’t it

Christine seems oblivious to this, or perhaps thinks that, since I bring it up every week, I am just trying to preempt any criticism she might make

which to be honest isn’t wrong but

I have experience with being advised by someone with fairly low expectations of me and yeah it drives me right up the fucking wall

and I am definitely keeping my eye on her essential silence w.r.t. progress

In particular, I don’t feel happy about the fact that I have been spending so much more time on the blog than on the algebra because the latter is clearly infinitely more important for my continued ability to support myself by doing the thing that makes me incredibly happy.

There are good reasons I have made this choice but I definitely expected that these would disappear after returning from Montreal

which they have, and hence my continued inability to spend time doing algebra is even more disappointing to me

despite the fact that new reasons obviously exist that are also obviously temporary since dad will leave on the 4th.

and that I also do strongly value my familial relationships and am extremely bad at showing this; and I understand that what I have chosen to do for the past week is a very shrewd calculation to maximize the number of people who have firsthand experience with my show of commitment (however obviously performative it may be)

to be clear, I do not know if it is obvious that it is performative

I do not even know if it is performative

The fact that my algebra assignment for the week came from Christine, and not from a vague sense of “you should probably finish this book”, adds a particular urgency to the task... 

...and what seems to be my inevitable failure to complete it, since I have only Tuesday and Wednesday; and Tuesday is the 4th of July so that might as well not exist, productivity-wise; and I still have to write the usual two blogposts for Wednesday so it’s not like I can cram a 14-hour session (which I have done before).

I do not know whether I am more concerned about potentially disappointing Christine or myself

(even though the former is so unlikely that it is almost certainly anxiety)

Okay that’s nice exposition but doesn’t actually explain why you’re awake at 4am (hint it’s 5am now), Part II:

When I walked out of Christine’s office on Thursday, I definitely did not think that I would be spending all of Monday, and essentially all of Friday, and a good half of Sunday, to be spent with family. (Of course, I still expected Tuesday to be shot.)

However, all of that was clarified by Friday afternoon, so I’ve had a couple days to mull on this.

I certainly did not make the decision to stay awake in hopes that I would get any work done.

In fact, if I am being honest, this was an intentional part of my thought process and I made the decision in spite of this fact.

What I did not consider is that, if I have to cancel the plans for today because I did this stupid thing, I certainly will not be able to fucking do anything tomorrow since I will have to sleep through everything. 

Dear God, the sun is rising through my window

I closed the blinds, whew

What I did end up doing over this four-hour period is mostly read career posts on math blogs, and reading PhD, with a little bit of SGDQ and a pinch of assorted internet clicking thrown in.

It is perhaps not obvious to anyone else that this has the feel of a self-care session to me.

The only thing that I could possibly have been consciously self-caring for, though, was the expenditure of energy at my dad’s birthday party today.

(Anxieties about the Christine reading only started appearing in the later phases of this period.)

And surely sleeping would have been equally good dramatically better self-care.

I definitely have a sometimes-useful tendency to want to do a single thing for as long of an uninterrupted period as possible, up to and including completely destroying my sleeping rhythm (which accounts for much of the ‘sometimes’ in ‘sometimes-useful’).

The part of me that likes to make needlessly grandiose statements and read into shit too much, is squawking about how I probably feel like I had expectations for how I would be spending my time (I did), and feel like I’ve been forced into a time-consuming alternate direction (which, again: no), and therefore making this stupid decision is a juvenile way of exercising control by breaking from what would probably be “expected” of me (i.e. fucking going to sleep before a day-long road trip)

I am currently convinced of this but also

I am even more tired than when I started writing this post and

I don’t trust my tired brain to be right about anything of this scope (based on extensive experience with incorrect sleeping decisions).

That’s all I got.

No alternate theories.

So, shit, that’s gotta mean it’s right, huh?

Lambda

Actually, continuing on the sleeping-as-control riff, I am quite experienced with (and, if I may say so, fairly good at) managing an awful sleeping cycle. Perhaps the stupid decision was not about controlling how I spend my time but rather more direct: demonstrating control in my life via crisis management w.r.t. sleeping.

This is actually a testable theory, at least in the sense that if I have something similar come up soon, I could replace “not sleeping” with “playing Starcraft”

[ it’s not perfect because I would also not be sleeping in that setting, but then the not-sleeping is a side effect rather than the actual display of control; and I think that I could (after the fact) actually distinguish between those two. ]

(and arguably, this has already been played out in prior incidents, but I am way too tired to examine whether similar issues were at play in those cases.)

And finally

I am equally concerned with the fact that this post has cost me two hours of sleeping as it has cost me two hour of algebra work,

which is to say, not at all, in either case

although I do perceive very little of value was gained by my writing it

which is a very confusing triplet of true statements, to me, at this moment.

I may have to cancel the road trip.

Perhaps this was my subconscious goal all along.

But I’ll go to sleep take a power nap and we’ll see.

If your sorry ass thinks that I’ve been writing this shit for two hours without theorizing how I could sanitize it into an OTAM post then frankly you don’t know me at all.

[mhsn033]

Kamala Harris speech: What was the verdict on how she did?

Characterize copyright Getty Photographs

The stakes might maybe well now not have been bigger for Kamala Harris as she made historical past to formally accept the Democratic vice-presidential nomination. How did she attain?

Exclusively three females have been on the tip trace for a essential celebration sooner than, and none has made it to the White Residence.

The California senator, who spoke in a virtually empty auditorium in Delaware, is also the first African American and Asian American to be nominated.

We requested voters and consultants to evaluate her perfomance.

‘She moved me however I’m mute now not offered’

Peyton Uniqueness, 21 – graduate, North Carolina A&T Roar College

Characterize caption Harris “used to be a precise decision”, Peyton says. “She’s now not my have”.

Sooner than her giant speech, this young Democrat and first-time voter hadn’t been swayed by Harris.

“I agree with that we roughly salvage carried away by ‘firsts’, especially as sunless folks, by the ‘first this’ and ‘first that’, or now not it is correct viewed as a enormous milestone,” she suggested the BBC closing week. “But are you combating for one of the essential essential values that the sunless community holds dear?”

But the 21-year-out of date says she used to be moved by Harris’ convention take care of.

“Kamala’s speech used to be particularly entertaining to me because she spent less time attacking President Trump and more time making her case as a frontrunner below the Biden administration. She exuded a self belief that made you’re feeling as if she used to be talking because the most modern vice-president.”

But Uniqueness mute is now not completely offered by the odd prosecutor.

“If I had one critique, it might even be the half the set she claimed that we are able to also end this pandemic below the leadership of Joe Biden. Sure, his response to the coronavirus would likely be remarkable better than the most modern administration’s. On the opposite hand, a alternate in leadership alone is now not going to effect away with this pandemic.”

‘She did a truly correct job’

KJ Kearney, environmental justice suggest, S Carolina

Characterize caption Democratic voter KJ Kearney, 37, thinks Harris will aid “centre” the points that matter to African Americans

If I had to rate it, I’d give it an 8/10.

Some of the issues I beloved about what she did used to be she shouted out everybody: HBCUs [historically black colleges], AKAs [an African American sorority], the Divine 9 [nine historically black fraternities and sororities], her Indian heritage, her Jamaican heritage, her white husband. She did now not frightened from any of that.

So I’m chuffed that she used to be very forthright about who she is and the overall issues that produce her who she is. And he or she stood up for Joe – that is her job and I agree with that’s what folks are having a build for her to be.

I mean, within the following 76 days they’re going to need her to drive home the messages of the Democratic Birthday celebration and to aid relaxed those rough patches that Joe might maybe well have on the breeze when him and Trump salvage to arguing.

But by the usage of her first look because the Democratic vice-presidential nominee, I agree with she did a truly correct job.

‘It lacked policy’

Debra J Saunders covers the White Residence and writes an concept column for the Las Vegas Overview-Journal. She out of date to document on Harris in California.

Kamala Harris’ brief acceptance speech used to be bask in an elopement somewhat than a wedding. Held in a makeshift stage in Delaware resort as a substitute of the Wisconsin Middle the set the Democratic Nationwide Convention is alleged to be, the venue supplied six American flags and a podium for Harris, who had no audience or energy to jazz up the moment.

Blame it on the pandemic. Harris, a ancient San Francisco District Attorney and California Attorney Customary, whom I’ve lined over the years, used to be button down when she must mute have been electrically charged.

It got right here off as a speech written by an efficiency knowledgeable. Or worse, a committee of efficiency consultants, who wanted to take a look at the containers and like a flash.

There used to be diminutive policy discussion. Moderately than talk at length in regards to the coronavirus and racism, Harris melded the 2 collectively “There might be now not any such thing as a vaccine for racism,” she talked about. And who can argue with that?

While working mates are expected to be pit bulls in opposition to the opposition, Harris meekly cited three issues she did now not bask in about President Donald Trump – “constant chaos,” “incompetence, and “callousness.” No one would argue. But there used to be no sound bite destined to lead in news reports. No giant rhetorical moment.

All americans else already had talked about that Joe can speak the country collectively. She talked about it too.

Harris is now not anxious to attack. She’s now not anxious to be blunt. I will fully wager that she’s attempting to attain her job because the campaign wishes her to attain it. But the campaign is clueless. And the ceaselessly intriguing Harris regarded so as smartly.

‘A blended response from India’

Kamala Harris expectedly spoke about her biracial roots on the starting up set of her 20-minute speech.

She talked about she stood on the “shoulders of my mom”, who got right here from India when she used to be 19 to see within the US, fell in bask in with a Jamaica-born student, and tirelessly raised her two teenagers. She “raised us to be proud and tough sunless females and be overjoyed with our Indian heritage”.

Ms Harris largely reiterated what she has already talked about in her 2018 memoirs – her mom instilling values in regards to the importance of the family, and her hyperlinks with her extended family in India, including her uncle and an aunt who she calls “Chitti” or younger mom.

Indians have been blended in their response to Ms Harris’s trace.

Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s supporters are ambivalent, partly due to the Ms Harris’s criticism of his switch to revoke Kashmir’s autonomy, and the refusal of his international minister to meet a congresswoman who has been vital of the the same switch.

And though Indian-Americans have historically voted for Democrats for being immigration pleasant, President Trump is believed to be a chum of India and Mr Modi. It will likely be attention-grabbing to investigate cross-take a look at how remarkable strengthen Ms Harris can garner from Indian American voters in these polarised cases.

‘Delivered with smiles and heat’

Kamala Harris has had turns within the limelight sooner than. She spoke to a crowd of more than 20,000 when she kicked off her presidential campaign in January 2019. She had viral moments when sharply questioning Supreme Court justices and Trump govt appointees. She made waves when she swiped at Joe Biden for opposing college desegregation bussing on the first Democratic debate.

This, on the different hand, used to be her largest moment to this point.

The now-official Democratic vice-presidential nominee had slightly of an further venture on Wednesday night, too, having to in the present day be conscious Obama, the celebration’s most beloved and rhetorically talented politician.

What Harris offered used to be slightly of an amalgam – one which in most cases connected and usually plodded. It used to be half biographical introduction, half sales pitch for Biden and – most particularly – half frontal attack on structural racism.

“There might be now not any such thing as a vaccine for racism,” she talked about in what it will likely be her most quoted line. “We have bought to attain the work.”

Although she’s been attacked by some on the left for her prosecutorial background, Harris tried to flip that correct into a profit for a overall election audience, talking of how she always tries to combat for justice.

“I know a predator when I build one,” she talked about at one point, pausing prolonged sufficient for her fellow Democrats to agree with within the blanks.

Her speech delivered with smiles and heat, however it took role in a somewhat haunting ambiance – a room constructed to copy a celebration convention hall, total with signposts for every exclaim delegation, however devoid of the cheering crowds.

It all had slightly post-apocalyptic feeling, which alongside with the vacant school rooms from which Senator Elizabeth Warren and Jill Biden early spoke, makes it seem that the emptiness of the most modern pandemic- nation is a sense Democrats must highlight – and lay at Trump’s toes.

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[dcnativegal]

From Fire to Evacuation and Back

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

It’s a sunny crisp fall morning, even though it’s still summer. Yesterday morning, with the temperature still in the 40s, there were blue sky and puffy white clouds visible from my recliner as I look out over the orderly but still very full yard. There are many benefits of having a Level Two Evacuation leveled at a small town, and one of them is that many yards are cleaner than they were. Brush and grasses are cleared from the area around the fence of our little property, in the armpit of the hill upon which stands the town cemetery and the best views of the fire from town during the ‘heat’ of it. It’s not as hot now. The smoke has cleared for the most part. It’s blowing west, and there’s less of it, because the bulk of the fuel, the dead pine, has burned already. Today’s total, 56,895 acres, 75% contained. The fire is pretty much finished growing. Alleluia.

Valerie and I went to the third community meeting about the fire Monday night. Instead of talking about evacuation, like we did in the second meeting, there was talk of a contingency line (a ‘just in case’ line around the perimeter of the fire), ‘mopping up’ (putting out spot fires, making sure all the fire is dead), suppression and repair. I’m not sure what repair means when it comes to a forest fire, but a whole lot of logs will be removed.

One of the officials explained that the fire camp will be here for a long while to come and the town won’t be back to a population of 250 until the first snows, to make sure it’s really OUT. Awesome! I’m fine with that!  Apparently, the assignments last a certain amount of time, and firefighters will rotate out, so the camp will shrink through attrition. Plenty of other fires to attend to.

There were a few questions, from one particularly classy lady in a cowboy hat and a grey braid down her back, about who or what caused the fire. Very diplomatic answers came from the communications officer saying that Fire Investigators are very busy and doing their thing on this fire and lots of other ones, too. Might have been lightening. Probably not, apparently.

This city slicker has learned a great deal about how to cope with a nearby wildfire, that’s for darn sure, and I didn’t have to grieve the burning of my possessions in the process. Gratitude abounds.

1.       Put stuff in a suitcase or a box and label it ‘evacuation.’ Keep the stuff in there as storage for the next fire. And when I look for my passport, I know where it is! Also, high school yearbooks, old family photos I don’t hang on the wall, because #nomorewallspace, and other trinkets.

2.       There is some time between Level 1, 2 and 3. Unlike the hot huge fires in California in populated areas, wildfires here in the Oregon High Desert, they move more slowly. So I don’t have to flee with only the clothes on my back. This is deeply good to know.

3.       Valerie is a good barometer. If she starts packing, the fire is at the door. Her most repeated phrase to me, after, I love you, is, Fret Not. And so I will not. Or try not to. Fretting is in my nature.

4.       Given that I’m a world class fretter, it did help to have my car packed. For five straight days.

5.       Fighting fire is kind of like making a movie. A camp is set up at a location. Everyone has a role, a territory, a hierarchy of orders, a protocol, a checklist. And when it’s all over, everyone packs up and it’s like it was never there. The camp that is, not the fire. The result of one is a lot of charred ground and dead animals. The result of the other is a film.

6.       Tee shirts with the name of the fire and some sort of graphic is a thing with firefighters. They collect them. I’m getting two, by different vendors with different designs. Perhaps these shirts are the trophies fire fighters collect, like runners do at races.

7.       People are generous. They offer to help, offer space, food, time, something to haul belongings in  or a field to house livestock. Very cool.  One of the forest rangers said that Paisley has been a model town in terms of welcoming the firefighters. I’m glad to hear that! I haven’t done anything but pack my car and go to my job. But I’m glad there are many neighborly neighbors here.

Downsides of wildfires, at least in Oregon:

1.       Anxiety. With a few moments of terror and tears. No fun.

2.       We cleared the brush and now the deer have gotten to our tomatoes. No more tomatoes. Next year we’ll do an actual chicken wire fence around them. I was so looking forward to lots of tomatoes.

3.       Smoke is really icky stuff. Visine doesn’t help the eyes from feeling like you haven’t slept in a week. And if anyone has ever smoked cigarettes or has asthma, the smoke really impairs breathing. Not meant for inhaling.

4.       The beautiful canyon of Fremont Winema National Forest will look, aesthetically speaking, like a denuded charcoal pit for a while. The lakes were slurped up, but not drained. Still learning about this, too: the regeneration of forest. I bet there are other blessings about this fire for the forest. I’m not sure. It’s going to look sad for a long time, though. The non-forest service populace won’t be allowed to drive ‘over the mountain’ west to Bly until next spring. But apparently, Campbell Lake and a bunch of other sites look just fine.

5.       People will snipe. Accuse the ‘liberals in Washington’ of leading to fires like this one. Of suspecting that fires are allowed to burn so that someone can make money. The firefighters? Who’s making money? I don’t understand that one but I’m open to hearing. I also heard that local ranchers were ready to put out the fire with ‘dozers and cats’ but the Feds said stand down and thus it burnt and got away from everyone. I heard that one from 2 different folks on opposite sides of the county. Conspiracy theories abound. Our monkey brains have to come up with something to do, I guess. The Watkins Creek Fire started on federal land. It was the Forest Service’s job to stop it. The politics of logging and land use is still way beyond me. But the firefighters saved our town. I’ll just keep reading about the rest of it.

 Meanwhile, life goes on. Yesterday was my Lakeview day, and I got to have lunch with a friend (I do this every Tuesday and its lovely), go shopping at Safeway (always do this, too), grabbed books at the Lakeview Library to bring up to Paisley, saw two clients, and checked in at the main office of our agency.  I didn’t hit the thrift shops, since I don’t need to buy anything inedible ever again period end of sentence. (Maybe next week.)

 I am grateful for all the support and well wishes, prayers, and admonitions to put safety first from friends and family near and far. Valerie says if I don’t post about it in Facebook, it didn’t happen. That’s only a slight exaggeration. Moving out here to the hinterlands, the high desert at 4,000 feet, the middle of a county with no traffic lights, I enjoy staying in touch, however superficially and sporadically, with my old friends, coworkers, parishioners, and kinfolk through Facebook. Thank you for reading. How do you like my new tee shirt? What sugar skulls have to do with wildfires I do not know but it’s really pretty, isn’t it?

***********

Here are my Facebook posts from the start of the fire, just so I can revisit the process of my enlightenment about fires near my adopted home. The fire started on my birthday, August 15th, but I didn’t know about it until Thursday, the 16th. My first post, of many, obviously.

 August 16, 10am

Well blech. Paisley is just to the east of the Watkins Creek Fire, one of many burning around here.

August 16, 6pm

Watkins Creek Fire, from my evening commute on Route 31 looking south.

August 18, noon

This is what the air is like around here. Thank you, Shelly Rutledge Leehmann, for sharing your beautiful picture.

 August 20, 7am

So, this is my first "Fire in Paisley." I'm taking my cue from the locals, as i am a transplant from the big east coast (aka, "wet") city. At last night's community meeting, everyone seemed very calm. All the officials from all kinds of agencies did their job capably. They explained this is a tricky fire, there is a lot of 'fuel' from a beetle-caused die off of lodgepole pine 10 years ago, and the terrain is mostly Forest Service land and rough. Safety of the people (mostly men?) fighting the fire is paramount, of course. Bulldozers and caterpillars ("Dozers and Cats") are very helpful and faster than people with shovels. We got to hear from a meteorologist, which was pretty cool, since fire creates its own weather AND the way the wind blows will be the difference between Paisley-Flambé versus a whole lot of dead trees only. And maybe a few unfortunate cows and many other non-human animals, most of whom ran, flew or hopped to safety.

 So I’m feeling pretty okay. One woman asks, should we pack? And the gal with the mic says, always a good idea. And another asks, how contained is the fire, and she says, zero. Oh!! Adrenaline rush. Not so okay.

 After the meeting, we drive up to the highest point in the city where the cemetery is: we can see the smoke and there's a red glow to the west and south. Ominous.

 I already have an anxiety disorder. But, anxiety can be useful. I came home and packed up my clothes. I put a few bags of things that won't suffer in the hot car in the trunk. I found my passport and my birth certificate, and my grandfather's dog tags from 1917. My kids' dad has all the baby albums, but i have some important photographs, so I’ve packed them. I will need a cooler for my insulin when the time comes, IF it comes.

I'm more or less ready. And Valerie is very calm. So I’m going to let the current of "evacuation anxiety" just flow along, and it's okay if I obsessively check the twitter page for the South Central Oregon Fire Management Partnership for updates. Now i know that infrared photos from helicopters is how they estimate the acres once a day. I know that a lot of agencies are coordinating. And one of the forest service guys lives in Paisley: he promised he'd put flyers in the post office and other spots in town ASAP if there's real news. Like Level 1 evacuation orders. And Level 2 and 3 news will be delivered by the Sheriff's office. Door to door.

Just another day in Paradise.

As everyone says, we are all very grateful to the professionals as well as our local volunteers. The town has tripled in size and the traffic (traffic?!!??) is noticeable through town. There's a tent city on Murphy's ranch: looks like Cirque de Soleil has come to town.

Now that would be fun.

Alas, it's time to go about the business that needs to be done, which in my case is get organized about my application to become a CADC 1. Certified Alcohol & Drug Counselor. Better get crackin'. Thanks for reading.

August 21, 1145am

I emailed about Level 1 Evacuation and got this response. I don’t know why this hasn't been mentioned?

Hi, Jane,

Yes, there is a Level 1 Evacuation for residents west of Highway 31 between mileposts 79 and 105.

Residents in the area should be aware of current conditions. If evacuations become necessary, it will be coordinated through the Lake County Sheriff's Office. It's recommended to always "Be Ready" when living near a fire-prone area.

Thank you,

Jodie Barram Watson Creek Fire Information Center Paisley, Oregon

 August 22, 2018, 6am

Evacuation is on my mind this morning. I found a guide seems particularly thorough. Put buckets of water around the house. close windows. put ladder alongside the house for firefighters to use. I worry if the propane tanks are empty on the front of the camper that we use for storage. (Val says they are.)

I can smell smoke in the house this morning. My eyes are stinging. I'm packing up my car with more of my stuff and driving to Christmas Valley to my job. My guess (wtf do i know) is that if there's an evacuation, it will happen tomorrow, so I’m anticipating driving to and from Christmas Valley today to work, packing up MORE stuff, and heading back up there tomorrow, maybe staying up there. Valerie Little would go to Lakeview to her daughter's. In order to see my clients, i would rent a room in Christmas Valley or impose on one of my coworkers. Then stay in Brothers (i hope y'all don't mind.) But seriously, i am an anxious snowflake. I'll tell you true, folks, this is pretty awful. I don't fear for my life, but i do fear for this beautiful small town that has a very active world in it. We may be tiny but we are mighty.

Everyone tells me, stay safe. I want everyone to be safe from fire, of course. What does safe mean? A dense fog has descended and it isn't fog. It's smoke.

I need more coffee.

  August 23, 2018  3:15pm

The community meeting tonight in Paisley about the Watson Creek Fire told us that there's a moderate chance of evacuation due in part to windy weather predicted that will push embers toward our town. Folks with no pets and nowhere else to go will be welcomed at the high school in Lakeview, the Red Cross coordinating. Apparently, there are 2500 head of cattle normally grazing in the fire area, and some brave cattlemen (and women?) are finding them and bringing them out.

We're told that if we get out of town ourselves after a Level 3 evacuation announcement is made, we're to tell the sheriff's office where we went and what our cell phone number is so they can tell us when we can come back. Our town has less than 300 souls in it so if we call the main sheriff department in Lakeview, hopefully they won't be overwhelmed with calls.

We have 3 different family members we can impose on, in Lakeview, Chiloquin and Brothers, if it comes to that.

My car is packed. I have a cooler with ice and my insulin. Val's truck has a cover and it's filling up. I have lots of art. Most will stay. Family photos will come with.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or spot on. Packing to evacuate is sort of like packing to move but we are of course taking no furniture. And very few books. Sort of feels like the Swedish notion of “death cleaning”, the kind of decluttering one does so that the descendents don’t have to deal with your stuff after you shuffle off.  All my stained glass treasures, and most of my yarn, stays. Valerie says, worst case scenario, i get to buy new yarn.

Everybody's a comedian.

I'm not panicking this evening. I am tired in a buzzy-anxious sort of way.

I saw a helicopter flying over me as i drove home in my packed car tonight. it had a red thing dangling underneath it. Valerie says that's a bucket of water. It looks so small. Apparently, fighting a wildfire like this one, in rugged national park land with lots of 'fuel', means using dirt and 'back burns' pushed toward the periphery of a fire. The fire is bordered by the Sycan, the Sprague, and the Chewaucan rivers. Hopefully, the talent of our firefighters will hold the line, and the town will be spared.

 I do not feel personally endangered. I worry about the structures in this cute town I've adopted (and which tolerates me.) I'm okay. Just worried. And the sharp smell of smoke is everywhere in town. I don't have a proper mask, so I’ll just cough and squirt my newly purchased drops into my eyes.

 Thank you for the expressions of concern, prayers, and admonitions to stay safe. We are indeed. The cat is oblivious, and we are pretty much ready. Maybe we won't need to evacuate. Which would be great: I really love my late father's old cherry desk and it weighs a TON.

A huge thanks to the local firefighters, like Dustin Withers, who volunteer and know this city deeply. (Yeah, Paisley is one of two 'cities' in Lake County, the other one being Lakeview.) And to all the other professionals, from 14 states we were told, deep and profound thanks to you as well. I hope it's comfortable in that tent city just outside town. I hope the caterer is decent.

This shot is of the poplars that mark the north edge of town. you can barely see them for the smoke.

 August 23, 2018, 9pm  

All's quiet on the eastern front of the fire which is also the western front of this tiny town. Val and i drove up to the cemetery to see what we could see after the sun set. There's a field full of caterpillars and bulldozers, sitting silently, ready for battle. We cannot see the red glow that was so visible on Sunday evening. We decided it is safe to go to sleep in our home.

The "Emergency Notice: Level 2 -- Be Set" language is pretty urgent: "An evacuation notice has been issued for this area." The entire flyer is in all caps of different sizes. Underlined it says YOU MUST PREPARE TO LEAVE AT A MOMENTS NOTICE [sic] and THIS MAY BE THE ONLY NOTICE THAT YOU RECEIVE. So I ask Valerie, this sounds like we should get out of Dodge NOW: how will we know in the middle of the night if we should boogie? She says, because all hell will break lose in town and people will be running around like headless chickens. Well we ARE located very close to the local volunteer fire department, and the only road going up to the cemetery is right in front of our house. PLUS, we did not see a glow over the ridge to our west.

This rural wildfire thing is tricky on my emotions. A few times since this fire started (on my birthday, for pity's sake), I've been near tears and quietly panicking. And then I hear more news from someone, or Valerie has some nonchalant practical piece of fire wisdom to impart, and I immediately feel better. The fire is 6 direct miles from town, 13 miles by road. It's being held in by 3 rivers, near as I can figure from the daily infrared fire maps: the Sycan, the Sprague, and the Chewaucan. The most recent notice from the South Central Oregon Fire Management Partnership says the fire has NOT jumped the Chewaucan, which is one of the major barriers keeping it from town. I'm afraid my emotional reverberations are amplified by the frequency with which we moved when I was a kid, and the unpleasantness that always accompanied those moves. This insight helps a little to know why I am seized by panic periodically.

We are totally packed. I feel like i evacuate the town every time i drive to work, which is an hour north, and then I come home, and stuff more stuff into my Honda Fit. Which is not that big a car. Valerie is traveling light; she isn't packing much partly because she doesn't think the house will burn and partly because she doesn't care that much about her stuff, I guess. Every morning since Tuesday, I've packed my c-pap machine, and every night I bring it back into the house and set it up. I'd rather be prepared.

I asked Valerie, who used to look for fires on top of Indian Rock Lookout near John Day, Oregon, what the difference is between the Carr fire that's still burning in Cali and decimated whole neighborhoods, and our Watkins Creek conflagration. She says our dead trees do not have sap in them anymore so they don't burn as hot. The temperatures in that part of California are 20 degrees hotter there than here in summer. And the winds blow the fire very fast. Here in rural high desert "Great Basin" Oregon, the fastest the fire would move is one mile per hour. And from what the Fire Management Partnership is saying, the lines they are building are holding, mostly. The fire grows every day, but percentage wise, much less. It's at 40,000 acres. It will be with us for a few more weeks. But the fuel of dead trees will eventually be used up. And maybe these 'lines' of which they speak, will hold.

I hear various comments from people that i don't understand, and i guess the longer i live out here the more i'll get it. A woman served me fish and chips for lunch in Lakeview on Tuesday (don't judge. I had nothing but vegetables tonight) and when she learned i was from Paisley she says, you know it's the liberals in Washington who caused this fire... So i ask Valerie (my memoir from life in Paisley should be titled "So i asked Valerie) is that true? And she says, well, no one can agree on what the best policy is on dead timber, and the Forest Service has done stupid stuff through both Republican and Democrat administrations... Okay. I heard that the firefighters are happy because they're making money, getting overtime and night work differentials. Well i hope so. I don't like heat, thank you. I hear that initially our local volunteers had things more or less under control and then the officialdom showed up and said stand down, and the fire whooshed up. From two different sources in different parts of the county. Is that true? Or is it a sturdy rumor that's traveled? I heard the fire was called by a ranch hand who took a chainsaw into the woods and a spark caused the fire. No one will cop to that. The cause of the fire is labeled "human" (versus lightening). I wonder if there is one human responsible and how they're feeling. People make mistakes. I do multiple times a day. But... were they wantonly foolish? I dunno. It's another committee I’m not on.

I've received wonderful generous offers of homes to evacuate to, and questions about whether we need anything. There is so much kindness that flows at times like these. People are offering pastures for cattle and goats, places to park their RVs (which folks use for extra bedrooms around here.) I am privileged and grateful.

I'm going to bed. I know all of us in Paisley will be checking our phones and computers first thing, we'll look around anxiously, our eyes will sting from the smoke (Visine alas does not help), and we'll cough and wheeze. If everything is much worse, i won't go to work and we will evacuate, probably to Chiloquin where there's room for us and the cat. If everything seems stable, I’ll still pack up my c-pap and head north to Christmas Valley, I’ll catch up with 'paperwork' which no longer involves any paper, and i'll text Valerie frequently. I'll also continue to obsessively check the various sites that post information, and the Facebook group called For Sale in Paisley which is our electronic bulletin board.

I honestly don't think the house will burn up. I do not fear for my own safety. i think that these 800 or so fire fighters will work hard to keep the fire to our west, and we'll suffer through the dense smoke for weeks. My beautiful framed Pakistani prayer rug will survive, as well as my art photography. The house that Valerie and Jer built from the inside out will stand comfortably for another year.

Then again, if i have to evacuate in my jammies, I will grab my keys, phone, computer and c-pap, and my car and her truck will exit stage left.

'Night all.

  August 25, 2018, 11 a.m.

It's Saturday morning here in Paisley Oregon, Day # 11 of the Watkins Creek Fire. We're still on a Level 2 Evacuation and a few families have left. It was much less smoky up north yesterday, which was delightful, but it's really smoky here in town still. My car is packed, but we're busy taking all kinds of dead limbs and trash to the dump to reduce the hazard to the house and clean up a bit.

I have so many questions, like, if the 'fire lines are holding', why does the fire grow thousands of acres every day? Why did i see a bunch of smoke columns, like 5, along the east side of Winter Rim as i drove home to Paisley yesterday? Maybe there were firefighters by them, putting them out, but they were disconcerting.

I am grateful for many things, not the least of which is i am much less anxious for some reason. My car is still packed, but it's gotten through my thick head that the fire moves slowly and I’ll have time to beat feet out of here if i need to. I'm so glad to feel calmer.

Off to the dump. More anon.

  Saturday, August 25, 2018, 8pm

This article says it is not the fault of ‘liberals in DC’ that there are destructive forest fires…

http://mailtribune.com/opinion/guest-opinions/the-inconvenient-truth-about-forest-fires

 Sunday, August 26, 2018 5pm

The fire has grown a cerebellum!

Excuse me while I let my imagination run wild. Better call the Paisley Volunteer Fire Department, the South Central Oregon Fire Management Partnership, the Keno Oregon fire department (I’ve seen their trucks here), the Forest Service, Oregon Department of Forestry, the Bureau of Land Management... to put out my imagination. Oh wait! They're pretty tied up at the moment!!

It's sunny and breezy here in Paisley, town of 250 souls normally, and now we are at 1300 souls, more or less. We also welcome the Burners (the Burning Man folks) who are passing through apparently, as they do every year. The Summer Lake Hot Springs is full of them. It's hunting season for antelope by bow hunters. Might see a few of those hunters parked outside the Mercantile while they stock up on beer. It's a regular Grand Central Station. If you hear an accent that's not quite British, and not quite Australian, those are fire fighters from New Zealand.

I found a web site that lists all the active fires in the USA each day. I know, such cheerful google-searching I'm doing here. I've learned that, in Oregon, the Klondike Fire is twice the size of our Watson Creek Fire in terms of acres, and each fire is 40% contained. Nevada has a big one near Elko, 129,000 acres. Idaho has a big one, too;  65,000 but it's mostly contained. Contained is not controlled but it is better than not contained. Colorado's marijuana caught fire and caused 108,000 acres of damage, and it's 91% contained. Kidding about the cause.

Poor California. The Mendocino Complex Fire is about 78 per cent controlled and torched 430,000 acres more or less. The Carr Fire is at about 230,000 and finally is 95% contained. I'm not hearing much about Alaska, but it is on fire, and this site says none of the fires are above 4% contained. Big fires: the Zitziana Fire at 59,000, Dulby Hot Springs at 44,000 and several more.

The Watkins Creek Fire is the fourth largest in the USA right now. Our friend (and massage therapist) Toni Bailie said that in her daily update, so of course i had to look it up. Yup. We're #4. Not that, as i used to say to my children, it's a competition, for pity's sake.

(Here's the site with the state by state lists, updated on weekdays:  https://www.nifc.gov/fireInfo/nfn.htm)

 It was clear and lovely last night. Smoky and grey this morning. Now it's sunny, a few puffy white clouds in the blue sky, and windy. We are at the mercy of the wind: how strong and what direction. Although the reports from the SCOFMP folk sound increasingly confident, the darn fire keeps growing thousands of acres each day.

 (The latest news from 448pm: “The #WatsonCreekFire has been exposed to gusty winds today coming from the southwest to the northwest, and the containment lines have held well as of 4:00 p.m. this afternoon. Some burnout is being conducted in the northwest corner of the fire, where winds are favorable. The Lake County Sheriff's Office, in collaboration with Northwest Incident Management Team 6, has agreed to retain all evacuation levels at their current status and will re-evaluate tomorrow at 4 p.m. after the wind has diminished.)”

So we go about our business on this glorious Sunday, with sunshine and a breeze, temperature in the 60s, as if everything is fine. Except for traffic. And the smoke that descends from the ridges each night.

It's so normal around here that Valerie decided to weed-whack. As if we'll HAVE a lawn in the near future? She shrugged. She told her niece over the phone that she's in denial and I’ve been evacuated for a week. A slight exaggeration, but only slight. Paisley is still under a Level 2.

You know, I have to say, the sound of helicopters is just ominous. I know they're here to measure the fire, and carry buckets of water to some spot that needs water; even though the buckets look pathetically small way up there, apparently bucket-dumping is one of the effective tools of fire 'management.' The helipad is out by the rodeo corral, which is near our airport strip, just north of town. There's a sign on route 31 by the goat pen on the edge of town that points to this spot. It says in a handwritten sign: FUEL. Helicopter fuel, i guess. I'm certainly glad they're here. But i don't like the sound of them.

It will be great when we don't need them.

I went to church today for the first time in months, to hear the new preacher. He's married to a lovely gal who's joined our writer's group. I appreciated the former preacher's sincerity and humility, but i just couldn't glean much from his message. This guy has a sense of humor, he uses power point to help us read the scripture he's referencing while he talks, and he had stories to tell. Alleluia, a story. With a beginning, middle and end. I enjoyed his sermon very much; needed to hear it.

At the beginning of the service, our neighbor asked if there'd been any birthdays, and i raised my hand. "I turned 59 on the first day of the fire. I didn't mean to blow out the candles quite so hard!" Folks laughed. One asked, are you being investigated? I said yup. I'm the human referred to as 'human caused'! More laughter. And they sang me the white person's Happy Birthday song.

(The Black person's birthday song is the chorus of Stevie Wonder's song, Happy Birthday, which you can watch here as he celebrates Nelson Mandela's birthday: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inS9gAgSENE.)

I had a bit of a revelation while sitting in the pew. I hold different tenets of faith than many if not most of the folks who attend. I do not believe that the only way to salvation is to declare that Jesus is my savior. I believe that, for me, tuning into Jesus is my favorite way to catch the radio station called "God", but there are many other radio stations. Alice Walker said in The Color Purple that we don’t go to church to find God but to share God. Here in church, we can share faith, and good and bad news, and disagree about whether the ONLY way to salvation is through Jesus. Just like we can also disagree about whether I'm going to hell because I'm gay. I figure, there are more adulterers in this county than gay people, and they go to church without a qualm. Thus, so can I.

I'm a bit thick. But these thoughts were helpful, relieving even, and instead of feeling a little bit defensive in the pew, I could feel compassion. None of us here gathered know shit, really. We hope and trust and do the best we can.

And we know shit happens. Fire happens. And once again, I turn to the wisdom of Mr. Rogers: “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” Our town is full of helpers, together, and therefore we are not alone. We will still be here, or at least nearby when this fire is 100% contained.

 August 26 at 12:24 PM · 

 South Central Oregon Fire Management Partnership - SCOFMP

August 26 at 12:20 PM · 

The #WatsonCreekFire was subdued overnight. However, light winds overnight are expected to increase throughout the day and test fire lines on the eastern perimeter. Get the full report: https://goo.gl/Zye7DP

 Monday, August 27, 2018

Weeee hooo! We the People of Paisley are now at a Level One Evacuation instead of 2, which means i'm unpacking my cooler full of insulin and putting it all back in the fridge. So relieved. 

[chelsea9five]

introduction.

I was recently diagnosed with diabetes. There are still a lot of unknowns. We don’t know what type, late onset type 1, or type 2. We don’t know the cause. My liver could have a condition that caused it. I have more tests coming up in the next week to get some answers. I’m starting this blog because I’m terrified. I have a lot of thoughts and concerns and feelings about being diagnosed as a diabetic, so I decided to write them down and get them in front of me so I can make peace with what’s going on in my body. I don’t expect many, if any people to read this (besides my boyfriend lol, hi Liam love you <3), but I want to start with a summary of my life up until this point. 

Born September 5th 1994, I turn 24 in less than a week. I’ve always been overweight. My memories of my doctor’s appointments always revolve around the doctor saying I needed to lose weight. Through 8th grade, I played soccer and softball. I played basketball for a few years as well, but gave that up early. I hated running suicides (and running in general). I was a goalie and defender in soccer. Those positions didn’t involve as much running as a forward or midfielder. Entering high school, the rumor was that you had to run a sub-8 minute mile to make the varsity soccer team. NO THANKS. I gave up soccer after my 8th grade season for that reason alone (kind of a running theme, pun intended).  I continued to play softball through high school. The team was not the best. When you have t-shirts that say “Winning isn’t everything”, that’s a definite hint that you won’t be winning any state titles anytime soon. Given the nature of the softball program, it’s safe to say that I was safe from a vigorous workout in practices. These sports were the extent of my working out in my childhood. I never did physical activity outside of practices & games. I also was really lazy and would come up with excuses to get out of things I didn’t want to do in practices like long runs. I convinced myself that I was an athlete and I was burning all of these calories so I could eat anything I wanted. And, boy, did I eat. I would always have a huge snack/meal right after school & I would sneak food whenever I could. I never ate healthy snacks though. We would have junk food in the house and that would be my go-to. So not only was I eating a lot, I was eating junk, and I was barely working out to counter the empty calories I ate.

I always wanted to play softball in college. I didn’t know the recruitment process, and my high school coach told me that I wasn’t good enough to play in college, so by the time I graduated, I had no plans for continuing to play. Eventually, the spring/summer before I went away to college, I got in touch with the coach at the college I planned on attending. I ended up trying out as a walk-on. There weren’t a lot of girls vying for spots on the team, so I wound up on the roster. Little did I know that playing in college included strength & conditioning sessions outside of practices. At this point, I had never been in a gym, let alone lifted weights. My first workout started with being chewed out by the s&c coach for not doing the summer workout, that I had no idea existed. Then, I blacked out attempting planks on a bench with a yoga ball. I was chewed out again for not properly nourishing my body. Todd, the s&c coach, asked what I had for breakfast. I said a pop tart. I had just bought a huge pack of pop tarts from Walmart & I was excited because they were a quick, tasty breakfast that I got for relatively cheap. Todd pretty much banned me from eating the pop tarts that I had just bought because they were just sugar & empty calories. What a change...

Fast forward two years, I was ending my sophomore year of college. I had lost some weight that I gained between my senior year of high school & freshman year of college. I was at a steady weight with no real change for a while. I hadn’t played on the field at all that past season. I had no desire to do the summer workout Todd sent us home with. I lost my motivation and my heart for the sport I loved growing up. I made the decision to not be on the team for my junior/senior year. 

Junior & senior year were a blur of working as many hours at my internship & overloading every semester to get as many credits as possible for when I decided to sit for the CPA exam. (I majored in accounting) I was always on the move and too often I would stop by fast food restaurants for a meal. I also spent a lot of time at the bar during the second semester of my senior year. I was back to never working out, and the pounds piled on. 

I graduated in 2016 with a Bachelor’s of Science in Accounting. 2 months later, I started at my first job as an accounting clerk. I started eating better (aka not eating as much junk and trying to avoid fast food), but I still didn’t work out regularly. Towards the end of my employment at this company, around November 2017, I started to lose weight at a rapid pace. I also was desperately thirsty all the time and I frequently had to pee. I was always tired. Hindsight is really 20/20 because looking back, I know that all of these issues were symptoms, but at the time I was justifying everything. “oh I have to pee a lot? well I’m drinking a lot of water so it’s healthy, I’m good. I’m so tired, must be my body adjusting to working full time. Losing weight? I’m just really stressed out so that’s why”. 

I ended up dropping ~30 lbs in 3 months. I have never lost weight like that before. Since I kept justifying it, I never wanted to go to a doctor to discuss it. I’ve lost another 5ish lbs since dropping the 30 lbs, but I haven’t had any of the other symptoms since last winter. I had googled my symptoms before and saw the word diabetes, but immediately denied it since I didn’t have the symptoms anymore. I convinced myself that it was probably a thyroid issue, but that I should see a doctor anyway. August 16th, I went in and had blood taken. A few days later, I received a call from a nurse with my results, possible diabetes. They wanted to do another blood test to double check. I had to go to a LabCorp and get more blood drawn. This past Wednesday, I had a follow-up with my doctor. She explained my test in more detail. It was either late onset type 1 or type 2, but we would need another blood test to know. I also had high levels of liver enzymes, so I needed my blood tested for that & an ultrasound to check out my liver. I go in for that next Wednesday, my 24th birthday... 

And that’s where I’m at today. There’s more to the story, but I’ll probably cover that in future posts. After the first blood test & phone call, I went to my parent’s house and sobbed to my mom. I’m still having a hard time verbalizing the diagnosis to people without crying. That’s why I’m doing this. I’m hoping that with the more I talk about it, eventually I’ll be able to make my peace with it.

My name is Chelsea, I am almost 24 years old, and I am a newly diagnosed diabetic.