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randominternetbosonignog785 · 3 years ago

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Mikans last Christmas.

So this story was something I was going to release on christmas but then i gave up on it, but then I diddnt, so here you go. Disclaimer its kinda gory n stuff has some naughty language and its a tad bit suggestive but its pretty pg bois.

Twas the night before christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Though there were no stockings by the walls, nor trees or presents to brighten up the halls, but instead were cupboards and draws blocking out the doors and half flipped scattered tables to shield a man that was barely keeping himself stable.

Every piece of furniture was stripped from their place, only to be used as blockades to keep out any new face. In normal circumstances many people would think the house was a tip but when it came to the biggest, most awful, most tragic event in human history, everyone had to get a grip.

Behind one of the half flipped tables near a cracked television, a large man wrinkled with age sat roughly on the floor with his rear resting against the desk's backside. The man had a slight beer belly, his scalp was just beginning to lose its hair and overall he just about had enough of life; what you'd expect from a fifty year old man who was down on his luck in the world, although ever since a certain wanker decided to ram a glass dagger into his right arm - ever since the world went tits up out of nowhere, his lucks been shit.

"Haaaarrgh...grrrrrr!"

The man gurgled and growled out his pain as he attempted to thrust a towel he found in one of his daughters med kits onto the red bleeding pool that flushed out of his arm. '

Apply with firm pressure? Even the fuckin manual's trying to kill me.' The squirming man thought to himself. Soon enough, he simply gave up and just decided to lie on the floor of his living room to try and get at least a wink of sleep, trying his best to ignore the niggling and nagging of the nerves in his wounded arm. It was hard finding the peace of sleep though, as the outside world he once knew had now become a hostile alien planet he might die in at any given moment and it didn't help that the air felt thicker than usual.

A few weeks.

It had only been a few weeks since he had his last pint, but now everybody started stabbing each other. It had only been a few weeks since he last relaxed watching his favorite shows on his favorite armchair, but now he was shivering on the floor, lacking the courage to go and sleep in his own bedroom. It had only been a few weeks since his worthless daughter had enrolled in some school for smart sods...

But now she was probably dead.

"Daddy?"

Almost feeling like a second after his conscience finally slipped into slumber, the rugged man abruptly snapped awake once more upon hearing a voice call out from the darkness, presumingly for him.

"Daddy? Are you still here?"

The female voice sounded so slender and savoury yet innocent and playful and it chilled the man to his bone. The man couldn't figure out how someone broke through his homemade barricade, but he couldn't feel surprised either, but it didn't matter now. He was now sharing his house with the one of many psychopaths that infested the outside world.

"Daaaddy~ where are you?"

'The sick fuck must be getting some sort of kink out of this' the man swore in his mind. Suddenly without warning, a heavy shower started to spew and spatter outside and somehow, the individual splats and taps managed to pierce through the man's ear drums, yet at this point the girl's calm yet threatening voice was able to drown out the rain itself.

That bitch was getting closer.

The man now knew he had no time left. He knew that it was do or die, he knew it was time to be a man. The voice sounded like it belonged to some kid, so why was he pissing his pants in his little time out corner? Finally, he remembered that he had one of his kitchen knives sitting around his used med kit and picked it up. He wasn't gonna let some little shit be the end of him.

"There you are daddy."

Before he could even start to gather his courage, that cold, icey siren of a voice was already singing next to him and a chilling warmth somehow caressed his ear. The man's heart skipped a beat. She was this close already.

He should have just skedaddled, the man should just have vamoosed but instead his bottom was eternally bound to the floor and all he did was instinctively turn around in complete despair. The man expected the intruder to stab his stomach or simply inject another piece of glass into his other arm, but instead, The very same second his heart refused to beat, his mouth was suddenly covered by some sort of thick tissue and then caused a sudden drowsiness to spread inside him. He felt weak. Before his very being fell into darkness he only caught a brief glimpse of his assassin's eyes, but it was enough information he had to know to effectively deduce who it was that had sealed his fate.

Out of anyone in the world that could have taken away his pointless life, it of course had to be his very own daughter. It was the same child he had neglected for so many years and if it was her out of all the other crazy fuckers ending his life; the man didn't seem to mind.

The man's muscles soon refused to twitch let alone break his fall as he plummeted, back first onto the floor. Despite the fact that his entire body was instantly shutting down though, somehow he managed to keep the dumbbells weighing upon his lids alift for a few seconds longer, just to try and see for certain if whoever stood above him really was who he thought and sure enough the thin girl that invaded his thoughts toward before the man.

Her straw-like hair was tangled and drowned in scalp snot and her usual nurse-like outfit was filthy and terribly torn. Her small speckless face though, in a way relieved the man with its familierality but at the same time horrified him with its grave difference in expression. The constant worry from her puppy-like eyes was gone, now replaced with an expression that the man couldn't possibly describe as happiness, but she was smiling; harder and more larger than she ever smiled before. 'Come to think of it', the man last thought, he had never seen his own daughter smile. He regretted that he had to think such a thought and he regretted how it came to this. He regretted everything and in his last moments of consciousness all the man could do was regret.

Why didn't he ever notice that he had such a beautiful daughter?

The saw sinks right into the leg bone~

The right arm tears off the elbow~

Apply firm pressure, don't leave the wounds open~

Don't forget to sterilise with cream~

"I did it daddy. Merry christmas."

After what seemed like an eternity, feeling as if at random, the man's eyelids finally decided to open, while at the same time his stomach felt as if it was still debating whether or not it wanted to burst open. He was on a bed and it felt impossible to get up. The man's sight invited him back to a blurry mess of a world, mangled with muddy pixels of blacks and greys that were meshed with a glowing orange that most likely represented light, and on top it all off, he was just about having the shittiest headache he ever had in his life. He wasn't dead at the very least, but dear god he might as well have been.

"Daddy, you're finally awake!"

Listening to that voice yet again...he now unmistakingly knew that it was his daughter who was talking.

"Mikan, what happened? What are you doing here?" The man's gritty growl of a voice, strained from obvious- stress finally uttered the name of his child. The pixelated colours that represented his proposed daughter were still mixed in with the blacks and greys of the room but slowly yet surely, he could already tell his sight was reorganising the world back together again.

"The outside world daddy." She purred. "It's scary out there. People who I thought were my friends started stabbing each other and some even started slicing off their hands and fingers and if it wasnt that they'd end up killing themselves. I was so scared."

She wasn't being serious. Given The context of her small speech, the man should have been able to feel some small amount of sorrow, but he felt none. All he could catch was the disguised yet painfully clear sarcasm in the girl's voice, which drained all the weight from her words.

"I came back home because I knew it would be safe."

That wasn't true, was it? She was back to kill him, just like the rest of me. It was the only thing that made sense; to get revenge on how he treated her. After thinking about it for a second though, the man probably deserved it.

"I saw you fainted on the floor when I found you daddy. So I took you to my room and took very special care of you."

Another obvious lie added to the man's paranoia and was beginning to feel iller by the second. What in God's name did mikan-

He couldn't move his right hand. No. He couldn't feel his right hand. In disbelief as well as desperation, the man worriedly wiggled every last limb that was still attached to his body, and where his lower left leg should have jolted...

Shit! He was drugged right? He must've been dreaming right? It was a dream. It had to be a dream! The meshy fog in the man's eyes finally felt like clearing and with all his inner strength he turned his head round to face his right arm; but all that was left was the arm and all that came out of its tip it was a small lump of thickly layered bandages, dyed in dry blood.

It was a fucked up dream. The man continued thinking. He couldn't feel the pain right? So it was just a fucked up dream, birthed from his newfound daily stresses. The pain from his old arm injury must have been giving him a horrific nightmare.

"It was hard patching you up when you were bleeding so heavily daddy." The bitch went on. "I had to give you a ton of painkillers and stuff to keep you from feeling the pain. I'm sorry. You must feel terrible right now. It's a good thing I saved you."

She was fucking insane. Painkillers? No- the only reason he couldn't feel the pain was because he was dreaming; This was just my mind's way of punishing him. There's no way he should still be alive like this.

"Good thing the ultimate nurse was here to save you daddy and don't worry I'll take care of you. I won't let you die like everyone else daddy. You're safe with me daddy."

"All you need now is me."

Fuck. Shit. fucking shit. This cant be fucking happning! How the hell did it come to this? The man couldn't curse enough. This was too fucked up to be a dream, but at the same time it was too fucked up to be real, but it just had to be fucking dreaming. Being drugged by his own daughter had to be a fucking dream. All of the last few weeks had to be a fucking dream. He had to believe it was. He had to for the sake of what small sanity he had left, and as if by reading his thoughts the monster smiled. Mavoilevent, vengeful and pure evil were the only words that spawned when the man's now mushy mind attempted to decipher such a grin. This was how he died: by the hands of his own fucking kid. Now accepting that, the man then realised that keeping himself aware of the living world was only going to make him fearful of the inevitable and so he let his heavy eyelids fall just so he could at least have the luxury of dying without knowing what hit him, but something out of place then uttered from Mikans small lips.

"So what do you want to do first?"

A question instead of a threat. Was it curiosity instead of bloodlust? Despite still hearing that wrongfully playful tone in his daughters still silk like voice, for whatever reason, the girl's strange question gave the man enough hair on his balls to open up his eyes to his assassin yet again. This time he was eye to eye with mikans face; her straw like hair gravitated towards him and her skin: crystal clear, causing what was left of her innocence to glow, while also horribly smudged with scars and bruises of the past, reminding the man of why he was here now. She was almost on top of him and only her slender arms held her above the man, acting as cemented pillars beside his neck. The man's response was delayed by the surprise of Mikan's random actions and all he could offer in exchange was a limp wimper of confusion.

Was she going to kill him or not?

Mikan then suddenly retreated from her pose and sat down at the end of the bed, avoiding squishing his leg. Well, the one that still had an end to it.

"Comon’ daddy, now we can play anything you want. Maybe you can try drawing on me, everyone always loved doing that back at school so you should give it a try!"

"What?" The man finally spat out.

"I'm sorry!" She blurted apologetically, while also completely out of place. "Maybe that's too weird for you. Do you want me to squeal like a pig again? You always loved doing that daddy. Roleplay was always your favorite."

Why? Why was she asking this? Did she develop a thing for fucking massicasisom while she was gone? He couldn't question everything enough, the man's mind just began to melt from stress and confusion. Despite the lingering silence the man couldn't help but create though, without any sign of permission Mikan settled onto the floor boards on all fours and simply started to squeal like a pig.

This was it. This was hell. This was God's heavenly punishment.

"@#$@%*!"

It was his fault she ended up like this. The man knew this now. Why did fate have to ram the fact down his throat?

"#$@%*^=!"

He fucking got it. He made his kid into a fucking physcopath. Big hoo-fuckin-ray! Just kill him for it already!

"Oink. €£#$@%*^=! oink oink."

But the universe thought death wasn't enough. Oh no, the sweet release of death was never enough to right this mans wrongs, experiencing the end of the world was never enough, being disected like a fucking frog was never enough. No.

"#$@%€¥₩! Oink."

He had to endure the desperate screams for attention. Take in the blood curdling cries for mere notice. He had to tolerate the broken girl's ungranted wishes for a better father.

"₩¥€*$%@! $$%£@!"

And he did...until he couldn't.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

She stopped squealing, but the animalistic screams still remained in the man's ears.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

"...Daddy?" She mumbled, somehow sounding shocked at his response.

"Shut...up. please." The man begged. He couldn't take it any more.

"I'm sorry Daddy." The girl apologizes again. With her voice finally sounding more mellow than sadistic. "I forgot you liked to see me do that with all of my clothes off...give me a second."

At this point The man was truly bewildered how he raised such a sad creature.

"Mikan." The man once again called out the name of his child as his eyes began to leak. "Please, enough of this."

Mikan then climbed back onto the end of the bed and locked with my eyes; hers instantly succumbed with certain grief as if she feared those words from the start.

"Daddy I thought you liked playing with me."

I stared back into her eyes with an assertive glance. One way or another, she had to learn that tearing off people’s limbs was some fucked up shit and no way to get what she wanted. It was the only way of redeeming himself, yet not even several seconds passed before she couldn't bare the silent treatment.

"Don’t ignore me Daddy. Dont do that again, please dont ignore me! please forgive me. I know I cut off your arm and your leg but I only did that so you wouldnt leave me alone again, I only did that so we could play forever. I only did that for us Daddy, because I love you! And Daddy loves me."

....

"...right?"

The man did not deserve to admit he loved her back because now he realized that He never deserved love. Not from his daughter, not from his late wife, hell, not even from his own old folks. The man now realised that he was human shit and all he ever offered was a shitty stench to smell for everyone around him and now he had intoxicated Mikan with his vulgar stink. The least he could do now was to relive some of the fumes and stop his daughter from absorbing any more of his odour. All he had to do was ignore her and be lucky for the man: that was what he did best.

As if satan himself sent everything he had to crush every shred of the man's newfound resolve, an intense surge of pain he had never felt before, striked at the ends of the dismembered body parts the man had almost forgotten about. He already saw his arm freshly bitten off and his leg cut clean but his mind was only now reacting to his sights and now every ounce of thought he once carried was instantly drowned out by a powerful, primordial pain.

"Ahhh...ahhhhhggghha. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggghhhhhhh!" This time it was the man's turn to squeal like a pig. The entire world's suffering encapsulated in one single moment - all the man could do was vent all the pain out for all to hear.

"Daddy, Don't scream! Please...please stop screaming like that!"

Panic flourished in the depths of the girl's mind. The painkiller's effect wore off more quickly than she had originally calculated and it was only a matter of time before her dad died of the pain caused by his dismemberment. She knew she had to drug him back to sleep immediately and wait for his wounds to heal, but somehow, the few words that slithered out of the dying man's lips, kept her sat, frozen on the bed.

"Mikan...help me please."

Those few words changed everything.

Her legs were glued. Her heart beated faster and faster but her head paused and her sense of urgency plainly disappeared. The girl's body simply couldn't be bothered to move anymore. What was this feeling?

"Mi-kan....Mi-"

Daddy was dead.

The girl felt no grief. No regret, no remorse, not a trace of despair birthed from her mistake.

She just sat there.

The nonexistent glue still sews her short legs to the mattress of the bed. Her beating heart was still rapid, but her mind acted first.

That feeling was so close to euphoric. She might have been unusual but she always imagined the death of her only family would make her sad but she felt far from that. Then she knew why.

"Daddy...-I was the last person daddy was thinking about. I was the last person on Daddys mind."

All she wanted was attention, all she wanted was agnolegenent, all she wanted was to be loved. Her patients were always weak and broken but thanks to that they depended on her, they were grateful for her and they gave her all the attention she could ever ask for. Drugging daddy and immobilizing him was just a way to make him like one of her patients and if dismembering daddy was going to make him love her forever then that was what she should do. Instead though she ended up murdering him and now she was all alone again But still, that emotion remained. The fact that she was daddy's last thought accelerated her and the feeling of knowing that made her feel so relieved and somehow Mikan couldn't barely bring herself to regret what happened. Daddy was nothing but a corpse now, she knew that she had failed at being the so called 'ultimate nurse,' she knew she'd never see, touch or talk with her father ever again and yet the final begs and pleads for his life felt like more attention than he had ever decided to give to her.

"Daddy is dead." She sobbed. Lines of tears streamed down her skin.

"But I was his last thought. Daddy yearned for me. Daddy wanted me to save him." She giggled. She didn't know why but she went on giggling until the giggles evolved into laughter and eventually the seeds of her laughter bloomed into a savage song of sorry cackles. The conflicted emotions of depression and pleasure clashed in war inside Mikan's mind and the effects of their battle gushed out of Mikan in the form of chuckles and sobs. She didn't know what she should have felt anymore. Mikan had now truly lost her mind.

Warmth. Embrace. Love. It was all in a single moment. Her beloved.

"Jun-ko?"

"Shush now Mikan. It's okay."

Her beloved was here and for the first time in ages, Mikan felt cleansed. Her wobbling knelt legs gave way and tumbled down sideways like skyscrapers that crashed down onto the dovay, as the warmth from Junko's breasts aroused her. A Slender yet tender arm caressed the girl's hip and softly squeezed her core; while another gently stroked off the pieces of dandruff burrowed within her straw like hair, giving Mikan an inviting fuzzy feeling inside. It was pure love. If only the world could let her stay like this forever.

"Junko..." Mikan began to vent. "Your plan didn't work. D-daddy just decided to ignore me in the end." She went on. "A-and when he died he said my name, he begged me to save him and then I-I had this strange feeling."

Junko's voice then hummed in Mikan's ear. Her boiling breath was gentle and warm and just like the sun in a snowstorm, it melted every little bit of Mikans of well earnt fatigue.

"What kind of feeling was it?"

"It was a pleasure. I-I felt good. I even felt happy, even though he's dead now..."

Before a seed of panic could begin to spread in Mikan's soul, the slight sound of Junko's voice once again quelled any flames of anxiety lit within her and the words that were delivered with that voice, finally Settled the mental storm brewing within Mikan.

"You're just like me Mikan."

That was it. She was just like her beloved. It made so much sense now and with that everything was right again. Suddenly the frail girl broke free of the others hug just to turn around and dive into the cushiony breasts of her beloved and just like that she let it all out.

"Merry Christmas my little Mikan." Junko made one last whisper.

"Now get on the floor. I wanna hear you squeal like a pig again. Dont forget to strip down nude this time you little shit."

"Of course." Mikan faintly mutterd and soon did. She diddnt like it, but if it was what her beloved wanted hee to do. If it made hee beloved happy, then she was more than willing to do anything for her.

***

Hajime.

A skinny girl, dressed in a smart yet tattered nursing uniform stood anxiously outside a holiday cabin. This girl was no ordinary girl though as in the last few hours she had mercilessly murdered two of her own classmates. The girl felt no grief, no regret, nor remorse as she felt nothing but joy when being the last reflection of someone's eye before it was darkened forever. Ibuki and Hyoko were really nice friends and they just had to be her next victims to help relieve herself, as well as in helping along Junoko's killing game but for some reason, instead of covering up her tracks, her instincts brought her here. To her neighbor's beach cabin who was coincidentally investigating her crime.

It was a dumb move in the persective of a killer to randomly show themselves up to the detective but to Mikan; it was something she had to do. As expected, the door was open and just by opening the door the girl could see the boy she was looking for completely conked out on his bed. Being the ultimate nurse she could instantly tell that hajime was sleeping on the investigation due to obvious stress but despite that she couldn't help herself and without a second thought the girl dug under the boys covers and gently squeezed the slumbering life saviour to her core. Just like last time in the hospital, her hunch was correct. Hajime was just as warm, soft and comforting as her beloved.

She held the boy tight and as the emotions that came with the memories of her last Christmas came back to haunt her, she held tighter and tighter. The raging battle inside her soul was back. The truce of those emotions was not going to last forever. The fight between love and pleasure. What was more important to her? Seeing her friends free themselves from her beloved's killing game and live out the rest of their lives together? Or was it making sure that she was the last face, the last person, the last thought everyone would have minds before they finally die and witnessing all their anguish and hatred for herself? The attention she always craved was so close in her reach but the accursed emotion of guilt she thought she had repealed long ago was getting in the way again.

She then came to an ultimatum And whispered in hajimes ear

"Hajime. I did it."

...

He was still asleep.

With her internal struggle more or less settled, the girl squeezed the boy one last time and slept peacefully beside her second yet brief love.

Art credit:

Picture made by 'lil Mikan.' https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/1118770/manga

#danganronpa #fanfic

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normal-thoughts-official · 5 years ago

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Since no one talks about it and everyone is hellbent over "good parent Asmodeus" I wanna know your take on the abuse and manipulation asmodeus did on Magnus... Both before the show timeline and during it it is a simple request no pressure hbhby

hoo boy okay let's buckle up for this i guess. warning for emotional, psychological and physical child abuse ahead everybody, stay safe

seriously im halfway through writing this answer now and this got very very dark so like if these are triggering to you, please skip this one

okay so as all abusers i think that asmodeus was a master at using Magnus' previous trauma, ie his mum's and stepfather's death, against him. Magnus had just lost the person he loved most, almost been murdered, and killed his abuser, as well as losing everything - he couldn't support himself and i have the feeling that he was so terrified after his stepfather's murder, so convinced he was a monster for it, hell, he still is even in show canon, he might have just fled. and then we have a homeless Magnus living on the streets, guilty and terrified and utterly alone

and he's convinced that his mum's death is his fault, his stepfather told him so, said he was a monster, a demon, and that's why she had killed herself. and then he murdered his stepfather, thus, in his head, becoming the exact monster his mum feared. his mum was right. he was a monster. a murderer. a demon. he was everything he feared and she hated him and she was right to hate him, too-

and i think asmodeus deliberately waited until he was at his limit to show up. i mean he's gotta have been keeping tabs on Magnus, he was his all powerful son after all, his heir, his weapon. there's no way asmodeus didn't know exactly what was happening, and i think that he deliberately waited until Magnus was within an inch of his life, exhausted, starving, almost depleted of magic, shivering and cold and crying alone on the street, before showing up. so Magnus wouldnt question him. so Magnus would feel indebted to him. so Magnus would feel like he needs him

and when he does rescue Magnus, boy, he makes this whole show of taking him somewhere safe, giving him plenty of water and endless food, covering him in blankets and getting him nice feeling clothes, cleaning him - just the most and best of everything, to really emphasize the difference, really make it seem terrifying to ever be away from him again, when clearly, without him, he was nothing

and asmodeus would have explained it all to him, say that his stepfather was right, he was a demon, like asmodeus was. Magnus would be so scared, "he tried to kill me," and he'd be almost flippant about it, "oh, mundanes. it's what they do. they hate us." he'd thwarp what happened with the stepfather deeply in Magnus' head, make it seem like his stepfather's abusive behavior was normal, just what they always did, and that magnus' anger over it, his righteous anger, born of fear, and the need to survive, was an overreaction. the proof of his demonic heritage - of the evil inside of him. proof that he was the same as asmodeus, that he should turn his back to his humanity

and Magnus is confused, and hurt, and scared, because simultaneously his stepfather was bad and tried to kill him and that is proof that he can't trust mundanes and that asmodeus is all he has- but he also didn't hurt Magnus all the other times before, he never mistreated him, all these times he hit him or his mum and called them dirty and disgusting, no, that was nothing much, that was normal. it was magnus' anger that was out of place, proof that he was a monster, was a demon, was like asmodeus. should stay with him

we know that asmodeus wanted Magnus because with his magic he could have even stronger power blah blah blah so im guessing that asmodeus' plan was basically to train Magnus, bring him to his side, wait until he was mature and strong, and then try to defeat Lilith? so for that to have you know not happened Magnus would have to have banished him when he was still a kid, but anyway, that's another can of worms and I'll get to that (probably)

so he needs to turn Magnus away from the mundane world, make him want to come to edom, possibly convince him that he cant be happy in edom because Lilith wont help him, and then have him kill Lilith? and so he has to convince Magnus that mundanes are bad, going to hurt him, and that he doesnt belong with them, and so that's the narrative that he builds, normalizing his stepfathers' behavior, reminding him that even his mum didnt love him, because he wasn't a person, wasnt human, and they'd never love him as he was, and he didn't love them, either. no matter how much magnus' heart ached for his mum, and his friends, and his dukun tutor, asmodeus kept telling him that he didn't love them, couldn't have, because he was a demon, and they were beneath him. and if Magnus asked too many questions, got too confused, fought that idea too much, he'd lash out, scream, almost burn Magnus wirh the terrible dark fire of his magic

and Magnus was terrified and would hide, and he'd be like, oh, my little thing, I'd never hurt you, don't you see? that was just my magic, of course i wouldnt hurt you, im not like them. and then hed hug a trembling, shaking Magnus, who had no idea what was real anymore

eventually this started to intertwine with ideas of royalty too - you are too good for them, Magnus, you are a royal, you have a right to everything your heart desires, and they treated you like trash. you have to forget these stupid mundanes. they're beneath you

and he definitely made Magnus kill/hurt more people, possibly threatened him, said that he needed to get stronger, to stop caring so damn much, because Magnus has always been kind, and eager to help, and ultimately good, and asmodeus needed to destroy that. so he pushed and pushed him, told him that he was weak if he didnt do what asmodeus said, and that asmodeus would do it himself. that he'd leave him again, and how would that be, huh, being homeless again, would his precious mundanes have mercy? would they care? no, they'd leave him to die and spit on his face, and yet here he was, pitying them. like a whiny, weak baby, not the royal asmodeus expected him to be

and if Magnus still didn't quite manage to satisfy asmodeus, because he took too long, cried too much, pleaded too much- then he'd get punished. i think that punishment came basically in the form of magic depletion/exhausting him. Magnus is freakishly good at holding back from magic depletion, has sustained his magic and pushed way past his limits many times throughout the show, sometimes for full uninterrupted minutes. i think thats why. because asmodeus "trained" him to be able to, with his punishments

he possibly used that as an excuse - since you insist on being so weak, we have to make you stronger. so he'd make Magnus use his magic for hours at a time, no breaks, until he was shaking and trembling and crying with the effort, and then he'd leave him depleted and exhausted and have him recover on his own. that's what you are without magic, he'd tell him. nothing. do you understand now? why you can never be like them? do you want to end up like this for the rest of your life? I worry about you, Magnus, i really, really do. kill this stupid sentimentalist mundane side, before it kills you.

Magnus said, without magic, i feel like i dont matter. And don't get me wrong, i think the show made it pretty clear that magic is a part of warlocks, that without it they are incomplete, unhappy. but the fact that he specifically said i feel like i dont matter makes me feel like this is something that asmodeus drilled into his head. without magic he was nothing. and he really wasnt, because that's all asmodeus wanted him for

magicless Magnus? asmodeus despised him. for the whole time he was recovering from the magic depletion, asmodeus could barely spare him a glance. he was cruel about it, too. what? aren't you happy that you're like these mundanes you love so much? I'm just treating you as such. and then, when his magic started to come back, when he managed to do a trick- asmodeus would change completely. smile wide. hug him. that's my boy! and it would seem like asmodeus loved him, and everything would seem okay. when he had magic, he mattered, he was important, and asmodeus loved and took care of him. when he didn't, asmodeus wouldnt even touch him, wouldnt want to eat with him, would barely talk to him

so the prospect of losing his magic was terrifying, and sometimes Magnus would plead with him, please, dad, no training, i promise to be good, i dont want to be without my magic. and asmodeus would say why are you so worried? it's just training. and Magnus would say, because i always end up without magic. and asmodeus would snap, well, you aren't supposed to, do you think I'd push you over your limit on purpose? you were supposed to be able to handle it, but you aren't, you're weak. why do you think i get so disappointed? i want you to be strong, Magnus, like you're meant to be

that was always what he said, too, in canon. when he gave Magnus his pretzel, he said, for your strength. he didn't care if Magnus was well, or happy, or if he fucking liked pretzels. only that he was strong. and that is definitely a trope here

anyway! at this point asmodeus is already telling him about going to edom, about how he'll be safer there, away from people, happier. and Magnus is terrified, because he doesn't want to be away. he loves people, and most of them arent bad. he loves food. he loves music, and art, and architecture. he loves seeing the world. he loves learning languages and seeing new animals and plants and cultures. he doesn't want to be away from the world. he doesn't want to be with asmodeus

and asmodeus, of course, has carefully kept from him that other warlocks exist, that theres a warlock community out there, because if he knew that, then he'd have an alternative to being with asmodeus, even with his whole mundanes will always hate you blah blah blah speech. but there's only so long he could keep this from Magnus, right? he can feel other people's magic through the ley lines, they can feel his. it was only a matter of time.

i think it was ragnor, honestly, the first one he met. ragnor who told him, kid, there's a life out there, we're alive and we're many and we're happy, and we're there for each other. there's an alternative. and Magnus could cry with relief, because he didn't want to be with his dad anymore, but he was so terrified of being alone and on his own again

so he throws himself into studying, telling asmodeus that he wants to know about demonic magic to go to edom. and he learns about his weaknesses, and what a banishment is, and how to do it. and so when he's about to hit his maturity, he tells asmodeus he wants to visit. and because portals dont exist yet, he has to make this whole elaborate thing- and he tricks asmodeus, sets a trap, i dont know, and instead of simply taking them there, he banishes asmodeus, and stays

and so he goes and finds that weird british old man, and asks him if he can go to the warlocks' place. and ragnor chuckles and tells him that the world is the warlocks' place, that they're everywhere, that he'll teach him. and so he takes Magnus to meet other warlocks, and join the community, and start working. he still loves mundanes, and plus, after all the bad he feels he's done for them, he wants to help. so he lives among them and makes friends with them and dates them and works among them and gets wealthy, and grows, and he's somewhat happy, even if most of the time he has to hide what he is, even if he still feels lonely and bad and like a monster, a killer, a demon. but he got rid of him, and he can, maybe, become something else, if he tries really hard to find his humanity again, and make up for his mistakes, and the pain he's caused

i think asmodeus is responsible for most of the guilt Magnus feels, for a great part of his immortality blues - after all, thats what most clearly separates him from mundanes, makes him different, unable to be a part of their world - and for his feelings that hes a monster. he tells alec he hopes alec doesn't think less of him because of his father, because a part of him still believes that being asmodeus' son makes Magnus like him. he says he's ugly and dark, because asmodeus convinced that's all he could ever be. he has a huge resistance and pain/exhaustion tolerance because of course he does. and he tries to sacrifice himself all the time because hes convinced that he doesnt matter and doesn't belong, that no one would miss him because they cant love him, because hes different. and that was all definitely planted on him by asmodeus, and later watered by camille ofc

#ask #pastaingallday #long post #like really long #abuse tw #child abuse tw #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #physical abuse #sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #angst #overflowing trashcan #meta #sh meta

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dawnowar · 4 years ago

Text

I spend all this time by myself

and i use it to think about everything.

Before Covid-19 i was fed up with my clients for getting me sick all the time and kind of sick of the rut I was in and starting to think about what else I might like to do. The truth is I wanted to workout. Like all the time. I was considering the possibility of maybe becoming an instructor even though I know its not a money-maker because it was the thing i was most interested in spending my time doing.

But then came the lockdown and I packed in my business and got a job stocking grocery store shelves. Which I liked. Its just that perfect combo of physical and fussy work that I liked so much and I could listen to podcasts and no one had reason to take issue with what I was or wasn’t doing. I just couldn’t sleep during the day. I couldn’t do it.

So i got a work-from-home job and now i dont go anywhere or do anything with anyone and I’m home all day by myself.

I get better at it being home all the time by myself the more I do it which is both good, because thats the best way to be right now, and bad because I find myself less and less interested in connecting with other people.

Not out of fear of coronavirus or anything like that, but once I quit facebook I realized that mostly wasnt any real connection with anyone on there. Just chatter and wasted emotion over things that don’t matter at all if you don’t log in.

I decided it’d be better to try to reach out to people individually. At least one every day. To stay connected. to be connected. to really be connected.

but then maybe one day i didnt feel like it and ive kind of mostly stopped doing that too.

I was video chatting with people when we were all staying home but everyone’s just stopped doing it. Everyone just started pretending Covid-19 wasn’t a thing anymore and going back out and doing everything they normally would but just carrying a mask around with them. I guess that’s sort of tempting but then not really either. I mean the things i used to do that im not doing now are standing in small sweaty rooms with people breathing on each other. Whether thats workouts or bars, its exactly the activities to avoid and I never did much else. So I stay home now by myself.

I don’t get a lot of invites to hang out w people, although i could do the inviting and people would come over but it makes me think thoughts about how all my adult life I’ve been the kind of person who goes out and knows everyone everywhere she goes. And then I go home. By myself. On purpose.

I’ve always lived alone on purpose. And i go out when i want to socialize with other people. But my home is my oasis of personal peace where everything is mine and its just the way I like it and I can relax and no one else is invited.

So its comfortable here. I have my cats and my TV and a big bag of coffee and my alexa and its fine. I’m fine here.

I do a lot of thinking. About why im like this and why its not normal and who cares if it is or not and how I never intended to be all alone for lengths of time like this when I set up my life this way, and how its kind of OK even though I kind of wish I had a partner to do stuff with and be close to since I don’t.

But not because i feel like I need one.

Because I feel like it’d be nice to have one sometimes.

I always had people around me whenever i wanted people around me. I was never a person who was lacking for companionship.

So here I am, lacking for companionship, and i feel OK mostly about it. Strangely enough. But i feel like im not supposed to be OK, which makes me feel even weirder about getting better at this as I go.

Here I am at i think its the 5 1/2 month mark now, isn’t it?

and its fine. Still.

I don’t love my job but I love that i got it. I mean I made a huge pivot as fast as I could when I saw this pandemic thing for what it was. what it is. and in fact, my first one didnt work out so i made a second one and now im in a great position to survive.

Even if everyone else kind of said fuck it, who cares how many people die, im not staying in anymore... Here I am ready to ride it all out, probably for as long as it takes in a good position financially and personally. Go me. I am proud of myself for figuring out what to do.

But at the same time, as i settle into my new work-from-home schedule, i find myself less and less interested in socializing at all with anyone and more and more okay with staying home by myself.

I dream about X boyfriends because i dont have any current ones to dream about and I don’t have anything interesting to talk about with people because nothings happened to me. Maybe thats why I don’t want to socialize anymore. They don’t have anything to talk about either.

The zoom chats got super-boring after the first few weeks because no one was doing anything and we all just ran out of stuff to talk about.

So I stay home by myself and i think about things. Everything. Every single thing i’ve ever done in my whole life. I think about all of it in some detail. Look at it from some new vantage point. Why im like i am, the things that have happened to me to shape me into this person, the things I’ve done and the way I’ve handled them and what i didn’t know i could have or should have done at the time instead of what I actually did. How things might have turned out differently for better or for worse if this had happened or that had happened or if i’d known what i know now or if that one thing hadn’t happened or if that other thing had happened.

And how mostly it would all just have all always played out again the same way due to the circumstances of the moment even if I had it to do over. And how that’s fine. Because thats how I got to where I’m at right now. And im fine.

Even if I am alone in a pandemic that doesnt seem to be ending anytime soon.

I guess i can just go back out again whenever I feel ready to do that like everyone else seems to have already done.

Or maybe I never will.

I wanted a change. I was already starting to spend a lot less time going out and knowing everybody. Thanks to the divisive politics of a certain president, I’d come to see a lot of ‘friends’ of mine in a different light and distanced myself from a good amount of people in the last few years, but that’s only part of what was going on with me.

For whatever reason, the last few years, my love-life has been a string of the guys I’m really into not liking me back or not taking me seriously as a real partner, while the very few guys who seem to show any real interest in me are the ones I don’t like back.

So I was down a lot of friends and there were no boyfriends and going out was depressing unless there was a band i liked playing. Because I’m at this age now where im like 20+ years too old for the guys in this college town, so there’s no one to meet and if the band playing isn’t any good then it was just a waste of time and money to go out.

Staying home is fine for me, but I do wonder if this is it for me. This is the rest of my life. I’m a spinster with cats and that’s it. I never had kids cause i never wanted any. I’ve always been fine with that. But when theres nothing to do and nowhere to go and I’m alone all the time, maybe having had kids wouldn’t have been so bad if they would be people i could be doing stuff with.

But do I even want to do stuff? I don’t even know. I mean i could do stuff but I dont want to. I could invite people over to hang out in my backyard, but I dont think i want to. In another month it’ll be cold for hanging out outside.

Will I want to do stuff then?? or will the numbers go back up once people are all indoors breathing on each other all the time again?

Will I be happy I have this job i dont like in my house? I get to stay here and be safe and do whatever i want to do whenever i want to do it by myself all the time. Till its over. or till im done. whichever comes first. or whichever comes last.

What will things look like when its over? What will I be like when it’s over? Will it even ever be over? I know no one knows. But this is what I think about. It’s all I do. Think about all of this. Think about everything I’ve ever done and everything I ever will do and everyone I ever did anything with.

And how I’m fine.

and whether or not I should be fine.

and if being fine in and of itself while I’m alone for months during a global pandemic is all really just some issues I have because of being raised poorly.

Or maybe I’m just fine and doing well.

and maybe I’m just thinking about everything because I’m not on facebook. And maybe everyone is on facebook because they don’t want to be thinking about everything.

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tigerh0shi · 5 years ago

Text

PINWHEEL (PART 1)

Summary: Jihoon painted his annoyed classmate, Kwon Soonyoung, by accident and the last thing thought Jihoon had a secret crush on him.

Warnings: none

PINWHEEL MASTERLIST | NEXT

Check out my other works: masterlist

Jihoon breathed for the third time that morning. He had to focus, he only had forty minutes left to finish his paint.

Mr. Kim tought it would be fun to add a little challenge that morning so as soon as the class started he told his students "you all have an hour to paint something, at the end of the class, i will call your name and you will have to explain to everyone what did you paint and why".

Usually he wouldn't be this stressed, and today wouldn't be different if it wasn't for Kwon Soonyoung.

Kwon Soonyoung was tall and a bright smile was always on his face. He was a dancer and had the same age as Jihoon. But that wasn't what annoyed Jihoon. What in fact did annoyed Jihoon was his loud voice and the way he was always talking with so many people, trying his best to make them laugh and become them their friends.

As you can imagine Lee Jihoon wasn't someone who enjoyed loud places or loud people, and that was exactly Soonyoung's description.

Someone laughed behind him and Jihoon rolled his eyes again. Damn, can't this boy be quiet for once in his life?

He looked at his phone again, 9:27 am. Time was flying and he had to started it now. His inspiration was nowhere to be find. All he could hear was that boy.

- Look what you are doing Soonyoung! This is the fifth time you are drawing a tiger, I don't think Mr. Kim would accept another one this week.

- But it is not just a tiger, Wonwoo. - Soonyoung replied- also what is wrong if I love to paint tigers? This is my work anyways. What are you painting? A pink tree? Wow, that's amazing.

Jihoon could hear the sarcasm on his voice.

- it is not just a pink three Soonyoung- Wonwoo replied with a sigh- it is almost spring, the whole city will be pink, don't you think it is the perfect moment to paint something pink?

Wonwoo was Jihoon's classmate. He had silver hair and big glasses. Jihoon had talked with him some times on lunch breaks and the boy was fine. He wasn't loud and he wasn't the type of person who talked to people him until he was spoken to.

Jihoon was almost hundred percent sure he heard a boring coming from Wonwoo's friend but he was already busy with his paint.

Annoying Soonyoung, he thought, why are you so annoying? Why can't you be quiet?, he starred painting, can't you stop moving for once? You have hit my left two time already, Jihoon rolled his eyes again while he was mixing red and white to get a pink pastel tone, wasn't Mr. Kim tell him something? He was distracting everybody with his voice. And his laugh.

Jihoon breathed once he finished. He looked at the time. 9:58. The time was almost finishing and he saw some of his classmates rushing to finish their paints.

He looked at his paint again. And he realized the big mistake. Oh no, Jihoon thought while he went pale, what have I done.

- Okay students, time is over. Please stop painting. Let's start with your presentations- Mr. Kim informed and all Jihoon wished was to not be selected. He was trying his best to avoid Mr. Kim's eyes. - Jihoon - he heard- please come forward and show us your work.

If Jihoon was pale before now he was a fucking ghost. His hands were sweating. And he rising want to go there. He wanted to run away from that classroom.

Mr. Kim was waiting for him on his desk. The man was already on his fifty and a strong accent could be heard whenever he talked with his students.

As soon as he was in front of his classmates he knew the amount of teasing he would be receiving for the whole month.

- We are waiting Mr. Lee, please show us your painting.

Jihoon breathed and turn around the paint he was waiting to burn right there and showed it to the whole class. And something was in fact burning, but it wasn't his paint, it was his face. His face was red because in front of everybody was a guy with pink hair, with small eyes and a small nose. On a dark night with a carousel behind him and a pinwheel on his left hand. It was a night full of starts and based by the guy's clothes it was a cold night.

Jihoon's paint was Kwon Soonyoung.

- Could you please tell us what is this and why did you paint it? - Mr. Kim asked while he was making the class quiet, Jihoon could hear some whispers here and there, and some laughs. However he refused to look at a specific person. How this even happened? All he knew was how annoyed and mad he was feeling because the tall guy was constantly talking, and singing, and kicking his chair whenever he moved.

-i... am not exactly sure - Jihoon confessed.

- I see a person over there, is that your friend? - Mr. Kim asked even when Jihoon was really sure it was pretty obvious who the person was. His eyes were really distinctive.

- I think my mind made that person. - That wasnt necessary a lie, his mind has made that scenario last night while he was sleeping. Jihoon was walking, alone, at night, looking for someone. The more he walked the more exhausted he was.

He remembered how his legs were shaking, and when he was almost giving up he saw a carousel. He stayed there, waiting for someone until he woke up.

Seems like when he started painting his mind went to the guy behind him and his mad hands painted him as well.

One thing was for sure, If he kept receiving all this unwanted attention for more time he would die. - I called this... Hoshi... because... the start. Thank you.

He rushed to go to his chair without looking at any of his classmates. His cheeks were pink and he was really close to just go out of the classroom.

- Miss Park, you are next. - Mr. Kim didn't wast time to call another student.

He felt his phone vibrating on his pocket. It was a message from his friend, Jun.

Stop trying to hide yourself, It is okay. It wasn't a big deal.

He tried to believe him. He. Really did. Until he heard someone moving behind him and whispering onto his ear

- Jihoon, was that guy me?

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mikkock · 5 years ago

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tell me more bout that funky bih named said

o him owo ?? glad u asked, cuz i sure do love that funky bih,

note that he’s one of my older characters, from like back in highschool, so he’s part of the ‘i rly gotta rework that bitch to make him like. great. believable. human’ so treat him with kindness he’s wip

also mind that im being messy in my explainations cause im dumb

So, first of, he’s Saïd Eom, he’s 17, his parents are korean n he got two siblings, and he’s a Mess.

at first glance, he’s bastard (that pic old)

he’s a witty boy, and an Entertainer, you Will have fun and only fun with him (at the expense of your wig, she gon get burned, we into dry jokes at Ur Expense)

he’s very flashy, he loves bright clothes, Expensive Fashion, and looking Hella Cute. His allowance goes into clothes n das it

he’s also in love with music n languages, his Number One Skill is multilingualism and being able to learn a new language in no time. He’s also quite good at singing if he wants to, tho he’s much more of a listener than a singer, he digs hearing more than being the source of sound ya get.

But, when you toss that flamboyant persona aside, he’s acutally a Sad Bitch (sadboishours)

(that was sasuke on the pic initially fyi)

he’s very self destructive, and the whole “being messy” aint just purposeful chaotic cryptid behaviour. he’s actually a real mess, n he’s Sad tm. Mostly, he feels like he’s a dissapointment upon everyone, and got quite the pent up rage against his parents, which stems from his own fear of being the “failure of the family”. Basically the mindset of “welp i already fucked up i guess, they hate me for sure, i aint the shit to them so fuck it let me be the biggest failure haha :)”

he’s also got some Issues makin it harder on a like, non negociable scale ya kno, like he’s an old character so i loaded him with drama, bitch got BPD AND is partially blind (to an extent that quite affects his life), so ya kno life is going just swell. idk why young me had to torture his characters with all that sucky shit like can’t ya just have existential dread like the rest of us bitch??

(there are perk tho)

instead of like, exteriorising his struggles n all, he’d rather bottle em up and self destruct. cause fuck positive coping mechanisms we 17 n we dunno how to deal with things too big for us.

he subconsequently feels very lonely, n Craves That Warmth ya kno, that Love, that Having People U Care About And That Care About and For You

speaking of, relationships :

aside from his parents n that whole cold vibe going on, he’s got his siblings, who are very very much younger than him, and absolute gremlins (wonder who they got that from mh prolly not from their big bro being a crytidy bih). He’s got a love/hate relationship with em. They’re annoying, and also embody a part of his fear of having failed everyone (they were born relatively shortly after he started showing first symptoms of mental illness n start of like, him getting examined and all, and also at the same time starting to get worst at school n all that, so in his brain the association made was “so they’re getting a new kid cause i wasnt good enough and they’re starting over with a better one that doesnt suck huh”, ya kno, persuasive irrational fears). But at the same time, he cant help but feels a bit of endearement and respinsability, the parents are often away and working, he’s part caretaker, and they look up to him, he cant help but feel he caaaant be tooooooo rude, he cant hate them tooooo much....they’re annoying but....ya know..... Tho Sometimes they do get a bit “too much” and he’d rather be left alone rather than having to be bothered by two kids. In the end they often end up being partner in crimes, doing dumb shenanigans together (and getting in trouble together, we ride or die)

(they bout to be scolded n they kno that their korean names gon pop aka shit getting Real)

Also he has a dog and a cat, n they’re his bABIES OK.

He got Pals too

He’s part of the Teens, so naturally he’s chummy with Alice, Jessica n Noah, n is best pal with the latter (cause chaotic energies attract each other, what’s better than one mess if not TWO messes)

he’s also got a special friendship with a bunch of Oldies, he’s childhood friend with Cream and Jackeline, and then got friendly with Ace when they did, and then got super attached, because that dude got big mum energy, he cares after people, so bitch boy Saïd wants some of that and subconsciously just nyooms to his side to get some of that pampering ya know.

he’s also bros with quite the crowd, since he’s naturally outgoing n friendly n shit, notably the fashion students since he digs clothes, specifically Aiko n Chto, though he did surprinsigly manage to tame Prasert into Being Nice With Him, so wild, its basically like they’re besties ya know. but basically he’s friends with nearly everyone, he’s that cryptid that legit knows everybody, wherever they may be. He only dislikes Kai out of solidarity with his bro Cream, and him and Nott dont get along but they’re on Cordial Terms (as in ‘lets just be polite and pretend the other doesnt exist, whatevs man’)

And like idk what more to say cuz im dumb n hungry also but like

if ur interested that his playlist, i gotta clean her a bit but The Vibes ya kno

#oc #saïd

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grownups-are-the-real-monsters · 6 years ago

Text

Silver Bells

Summary: Richie is sick and tired of being badgered about relationships at his family Christmas parties. And his idiotic cousin always brags about his girlfriend. So when in need of a fake boyfriend to stop the annoyance, Eddie’s name comes out.

Words: 9,774

Ships: Reddie

Stanley Uris lightly dragged his pencil down the side of the worn out pages of his bird book, passing the bushels of color from the photos. A thin feather-light gray line followed in it’s path alongside the faded dark brown framing of the particular page. He grinned, a kind man’s grin, and hoped to himself that once winter ended he would get to see a lot more birds again. The distant chatter of the dinner customer crowd was just as foggy as his table’s paired window. The snow falling down tapped almost silently against it and left a delicate layer of moisture perfect for finger drawn doodles. Surrounding the view was a strand of tiny bulbs of Christmas lights. It was all very warm and welcoming, enhanced by the smell of home cooking. Stan enjoyed his job there and was glad he got it. Working under Mr. and Mrs. Carson, a lovely old couple, was just his favorite.

The only thing was the creepy little old timey paintings they had around the dining areas. A part of him loved them and another part hated them. Their eyes followed him everywhere.

“Stan!” Richie abruptly came from behind the booth and set his cold hands on the very slim opening of Stan’s shirt on to his exposed collarbones with the intent to scare him. But Stan remained still as the dead. It was not in the least bit surprising but it still disappointed Richie to no end. “How did that not get you this time?”

Stan made a small amused huff as Richie came round to slide into the bench across from him, eyes avoiding the painting behind his head. “Can’t be surprised by what you know is coming, Rich.” Was his simple explanation and it made Richie huff for himself, crossing his arms and leaning back on the cushioned seat. He sat still for as long as he could entertain himself, which wasn’t long at all, before he started to hastily remove his layers of warm clothing. Flakes of snow fell off like tiny beads onto the chair and table.

“Here, eat your soup. Still warm.” Stan pushed the tiny meal he brought from the kitchen over to his friend who he knew needed it. Richie gladly took it and started to dunk the little bread rolls into it. “I only have like ten minutes for break so, what’s up?”

Richie slurped his soup from the silver spoon and rolled his lips together in thought. Stan had mastered his mind-blocking of the unfavorable sounds of eating, loud chewing and other classic gross hits. It was a skill that had come with the job and was now just a nice bonus. He smiled to show his friend he was listening.

“I have a problem.” Richie swallowed his mouthful and sat back again like just the sentence had exhausted him. He reached over to play with the end of the scarf he had carelessly thrown on the table.

“I think that much is apparent, Rich.” Stan nodded with a playful little grin and Richie rolled his eyes which lead to his thing about following every one of Stan’s movements with his eyes. He did that from time to time & Stan as well. But where they differed was Stan only really ‘people watched’ those he did not know because he had all his friends movements committed to memory. Richie, however, only really did this with his friends. And he’d make key expressions that lead Stan to believe he was happy with himself for predicting these movements. It was like he needed some kind of reassurance that he knew them as well as he suspected.

Stan partly dabbled in the art of observing and noting his friends habitual patterns. He grinned to himself and shook his head the tiniest bit, his own physical note of happiness. Like Stan noticed, Richie’s nose twitched like he had expected that reaction.

The nose twitching reminded Stan of that show....Bewitched! He figured if any sort of power that character had existed in the real world that it would most surely not be allowed in a restaurant. Especially if the someone who had it was Richie. He could imagine the havoc he’d cause and it made him giggle. “They’ll kick you out for that, y’know.” He mumbled to himself. Richie’s eyebrow quirked but he just waved his hand to forget it. “Never mind that, tell me what’s wrong.”

“A lot of my relatives are coming over for Christmas and everyone of them bugs me about school and relationships sooo...” Richie trailed off and scooted up to the edge of the table with a look of amused dread. “I told my parents I had a boyfriend.”

Stan put on a little smirk. “I know where this is going.”

Richie raised his brow but he continued.

“I’ll do it but only cause I have a swell outfit I’ve been waiting to wear...” Stan trailed off in his special Stan way and rolled his head back on his shoulders with a tiny smirk.

“Oh no. I told them Eddie was my boyfriend. I mean, I thought it’d work cause my parents like him and I thought maybe everyone else would too. Then they’d get off my back a little.” Richie explained, waving with his hands like he was telling a great story. Stan began to laugh again which annoyed his friend but he didn’t seem to care.

“I would have made a great boyfriend, y’know? Better than Eddie.” Stan put on a frown and leaned over to punch his friends arm but Richie remained conflicted. “Truthfully, I don’t know if that was the best idea, Rich.”

From his more upright position, the eyes of one of the paintings locked on him. Stan would scowl or maybe just move if he was alone.

Richie frowned, looking offended. “Why?” He said with a very snippy tone. Stan gave him that look that he absolutely hated. It was the kind of look only Stan could do. It said all he had to say without a lick of speech. It drove Richie nuts because what it said was ‘I know something’.

“Well, because you like him.” Stan said casually, picking up the salt & pepper shakers to perfectly center them in front of the menus.

The only reaction Richie could muster was to scoff a few times and try to stumble his way through a reply. “That is ridiculous. Stan, where did you get that?” He narrowed his eyes because the confusion was loud in the back of his brain. “I don’t like Eddie.” He made sure to put the same tone on the word as his friend.

“Bev and I talk about it all the time.” Stan said in a joking manner but it still pissed Richie off.

“Well fucking stop cause I don’t.” Richie reached over and pinched him. Stan made a small ‘ow’ sound and rolled his eyes.

Stan licked his lips and shrugged, leaning his forearms on the table. “Ok, so I was wrong.” He didn’t seem all that bothered and Richie knew it was because Stan still thought of himself as right. It irked the shit outta him.

“I don’t, Stan.”

“I didn’t say anything-”

“You said it with your eyes.”

“Ok. I said it with my eyes, sorry.” Stan laughed softly. “Anyway, why didn’t you go talk to Eddie about this situation? Considering he is your ‘boyfriend’." Stan stood from the booth with a kind smile and looked down at him.

Richie pouted up at him like a child. “Eddie’s gonna be maaaad.” He frowned. “He'd have to come over and meet everybody and-” Richie put his face in his hands and chuckled himself before pulling his palms down so his skin would pull.

“I think you should give em’ a heads up.” Stan patted his shoulder and laughed. But when Richie made the move to get up from the booth, Stan stopped him with a gentle push as he whipped a towel over his shoulder. “Finish your soup first then go find him. He’s probably at the bike shop with Bill.”

Richie smiled and went for his food again. Stan went the backwards way back to the kitchen to avoid that particular painting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill Denbrough had been many different things in his lifetime so far and a fool was not one of them. Although as he approached the middle of his senior year in high school with his butt planted firmly on a glossy floor and staticky balloons with bright yellow smiling faces as his only company, he realized that everyone was a fool. No exceptions.

He tilted his chin up and felt the thickness of the air from the cloud of dust forming around him. The sneeze he held back gave him the closest thing to a high that he’d had in months. It was kinda nice. The smiley balloons leered above him with a much more mocking energy than he had planned for. Had this been just a couple years ago, he would’ve sworn they were swarming around him. It was deeply upsetting when paired with the cheery winter tunes on the radio. ‘They're really rockin’ around the Christmas tree, huh?’ Bill smiled a cheesy grin back at one because he was alone and did not give a shit. The kind of smile that gave a soft click from the shift of spit and showed off his great teeth. One of the damn smiley things popped. He sneezed.

“Mmmm I didn’t like that.” Bill whispered to himself with a slight grin as he steadied his hand once more on the cherry red bike he was working on. “Not one bit.” He went on meekly but with a spark of amusement. He had to be amused because if he wasn’t he’d be really annoyed.

Bill had worked at Sherwin’s Bike shop for roughly a year working under Mr. Sherwin, a small and outgoing old man. Bill had painted big bubble letters on the windows and wrote fun little sayings on the signs like ‘Sherwin’s Schwinns are sure to win’ for a while. But when the kind old man went and died on him a month ago, he left the store all to some new guy that Bill didn’t very much like. Which was why he was stuck with an early shift that started with being the only one in the store.

But now, he sat cross-legged on the bicycle shop floor some time later with his huge ‘Women want me, fish fear me’ shirt pooling into the lap of his jeans while he got stalked by smiling kids balloons. “All that worrying for nothing, huh? Turned out great, didn’t it?” Bill pursed his lips as he spoke to himself with such a heavy dose of sarcasm it would have annoyed anyone over thirty. And because he was becoming prematurely bitter, it sure did grind his gears too.

Grind his gears. That was a classic Mr. Sherwin expression. Bill hoped to God he wasn’t just going to straight up turn into the old man when he grew up, though he had loved him dearly. But his wardrobe spoke volumes on that idea. ‘Wearing a dead man’s shirt was like bad luck, wasn’t it?’ Bill paused from his work on the bike to think to himself. He sure hoped it wasn’t because he’d had enough of that in his life already.

It was the only damn piece of clothing in the store which made sense considering he had not thought to be prepared for spilling his coffee all over himself like an idiot at work. There had not been any time to go home for a change before he had to open but luckily, his favorite little old timer left this gem behind....’Almost as if he knew Bill would be an idiot.’ He was always one to tease him. The traces of his less prominent stutter that stayed with him was a popular subject to Mr. Sherwin’s comedy line-up. Bill missed him a lot but that did very little for him. People died on him, that was just the way it went.

One of his tools fell from the perch of his toolbox and shocked him enough to choke on his own spit. “F-f-fuck.” He cursed once he got most of his air back and stood, bringing the bike to full stance and laying it on it’s kickstand. And thus began the orchestra of disaster...

Once Bill had a small glass of water, he set it down to go back to his work but had misjudged his placement and it came to a crashing halt on the floor. The bike toppled over just a few feet away onto the tools which created harsh bangs of metal. Bill smacked himself on the forehead and bent to pick up the glass and cut his fingers. Blood trickled down his cupped hand as he rushed to get a towel that wasn’t covered in garbage.

“This is fine. Wonderful even.” Bill spoke in a voice so sickened with sarcasm and wrapped his hand slowly. He took a few moments to breathe in and out. It wasn’t as if he’d be alone much longer. His co-workers would be starting their shifts soon. That took a little weight off his shoulders and allowed him to relax.

Another balloon popped.

And the glass doors abruptly opened. Bill almost jumped into the air but he was soothed as Richie came bopping in with a carefree smile. “Hey Bill have you seen-? Christ! What happened!?”

Richie darted over and Bill was momentarily confused before remembering his cut-up hand. “Oh that...accident.” He tried to wave his hand to dismiss it but ended up flicking blood onto the counter. Richie rolled his eyes and tried to remember some of the medical shit Eddie had told him over the course of their friendship.

Richie attempted to wrap Bill’s hand properly while the other man shifted around the counter looking tired.

“Hey, at least the good stuff in life only requires one hand, huh?” Richie made an obscene gesture and Bill only rolled his eyes with a look of distaste. He awkwardly chuckled and went back to his job. One of the floating yellow bastards began to deflate slowly and descended a ways towards the floor. Bill felt a flare of silly anger from his gut as he followed it with his eyes. The tension was so thick that Richie briefly looked up & over his glasses to check it out, turning to see what was so infuriating to his friend.

“You do know that’s just a balloon, right?” Richie chuckled and Bill let out a small grin.

“Damn t-t-things are annoying the crap outta me.” Bill shook his head and Richie pushed his glasses up.

“Was Eddie around earlier? Kinda have to talk to him.”

“No one comes just to visit me anymore.” Bill mock pouted and took his injured hand back from his friend. “Yeah, E-E-Eddie came in looking for you actually. He meant to catch you before he started work but said he was outta time now. So I’d go looking for him at the theater.” Bill said with a grin. Richie rolled his eyes because, of course.

“I’ll come visit you later, Big Bill. Take care of your hand.” Richie snapped his fingers and made to exit.

“Oh! Before I forget!” Richie piped back up, sliding closer to Bill again. “Where can a guy like me get one of those ‘Women want me, fish fear me’ shirts? Asking for a friend.” He waggled his eyebrows and made a mockingly curious face all his own.

Bill rolled his eyes but had to laugh at the way Richie spoke and moved. ‘That was his real kicker, he thought. Richie just fuckin’ moved and acted so ridiculous that it was truly his powerhouse. Especially considering it came off so natural.’ Bill shook his head a few times and moved to shrug and shove his hands into his pockets.

“S’not funny Bill. My friend really wants to know, ok?” Richie slapped Bill’s arm and broke himself. ‘His true weakness however was laughing before he could fully commit to a joke. Which could sometimes be even fucking funnier....so maybe it wasn’t a weakness’, Bill thought.

They laughed endlessly for what seemed like hours. Every-time they thought the bug was gone, they’d just share a look and succumb to weird versions of their usual laughs. One’s that were more like hissing from being a victim of such restrain or their bodies would just rock in silence because nothing could even come out anymore.

“What’s the matter with you, that wasn’t even funny.” Richie spoke through restrained giggles. Bill shrugged and cradled his hand.

“I dunno. I’ll s-s-see you later, man.” Bill patted him with his good hand and walked with him to the door as he spotted his co-workers beginning to walk in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Richie bopped inside the theater with hesitance. Eddie was a pistol and he was not too excited to hear the whole spiel he would surely have prepared in seconds flat for Richie name dropping him as his ‘boyfriend’.

Upon entry he could easily spot his tiny friend working as the ticket boy though since it was a slow day, Eddie was texting hurriedly under the tiny little booth. He grinned. Eds was not a champion at being subtle. It was by some miracle that he’d yet to be noticed. Just as Richie was starting to walk over, his own phone buzzed.

Eddie: Work is dead. Bring me a Redbull.

Richie held in his giggle and happily skipped on over. “Hey! You shouldn't be texting on the job!” The deep and loud yell was contrary to his bouncy demeanor and wide grin. However, Eddie jumped about a foot in the air and by the look of it, had a mini heart attack.

“Oh fuck you. I thought you were Robert.” Eddie rolled his eyes and smacked Richie hard in the arm. Robert was Eddie’s manager, a nice little old man, who Richie knew well enough just by visiting Eds all the time. That and he personally rejected Richie’s application on three different occasions.

“That was the point.” Richie gave some passers-by the side-eye as they looked up to stare at them. The theater was pretty dead so this was the most excitement they probably had all day. “I’m really good at impressions, huh?” He playfully tapped him.

“It isn’t hard to mock Robert, Rich. Where’s my Redbull?”

Richie rolled his eyes and leaned on the little booth. “I got here ten seconds before you texted me. I’m not a psychic nor The Flash, y’know?”

Eddie frowned but shrugged before they fell into an easy small-talk. “So why did you come visit then?”

Richie grinned again though this time it was a little nervous. “Can’t I just come say hi?” He chuckled and Eddie smirked.

“You come say hi like every time I’m on the clock. But I can always tell when you want something.” Eddie playfully narrowed his eyes and Richie felt his stomach drop a little. He glanced away and let his eyes drag over the red and gold decor of the theater. He felt the familiar bitterness for not being hired himself, he loved this place.

“So here’s the thing-”

“I knew it.” Eddie shook his head with a smile but quickly quieted to let his friend speak. He rolled his lips together, sniffled and rubbed his finger under his nose.

“You know how my family bugs me about how I never date anyone?” Richie asked and Eddie nodded. “Well, everyone’s coming over for this Christmas party in a few days and it’s a whole thing... dinner, activities, and all that jazz.” Richie made jazz hands with a flat expression and Eddie fought back a tiny giggle. “So in order to dodge all those annoying questions...I told my parents that I have a boyfriend.”

“You came out to your parents? That’s great! How did they take it?”

“Great but that’s not the point-” Richie had never doubted his parents would be ok with it. He had a gut feeling that they already knew, probably even before Richie himself did. “I told them I had a boyfriend.”

“But you don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Thank you, captain obvious.” Richie rolled his eyes. “That’s the um...-Well I told them that you were my boyfriend..”

Eddie’s eyes widened and he opened his mouth but Richie was already set on a long tangent.

“I only said it because they like you so much, Eds. And I just don’t wanna hear that whole spiel again about relationships and I figured I could get them off my backs by being in one. Plus my mom already had suspicions about me being in a relationship. And when I said your name, she seemed pretty psyched....so yeah.” Richie grinned like a child after they’d done something wrong and rubbed behind his ear.

He recalled the moment he’d told his mother.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They had been mindlessly bickering about the yearly Tozier Christmas party while she cleaned the kitchen. The oven cleaner had gone right to his head and made him slightly more irritated than normal. The idea of this tradition was more so a burden to him now than it ever was. Being that once he turned around fifteen, all the questions were about dating and school. And his idiotic cousin who already had a girlfriend.

“Mom?.....Mom?....Mom!?” Richie whined like a child as Maggie Tozier pulled her head out of the oven with a comical grin that looked eerily familiar, Richie dropped his own grin. “Is everyone coming?”

“Yes, Richie. Everyone but your cousin. He’s got plans with his girlfriend, y’know.” She poked his shoulder in a very ‘mom’ like way.

“Oh that’s bull.”

“Richie!” She smacked the back of his head lightly. “Wouldn’t hurt you to just tell me you're dating someone.” She pursed her lips in the same way Stanley Uris did when he ‘knew’ something. He sat up straight with curiosity.

“What do you mean?”

“C’mon, I know you do. You go out all the time with the same excuse. ‘Going to hang-out with Eddie.’ or ‘Gonna go visit Eddie at work’. How many times can you be bothering that boy, realistically? I know that’s a cover-up son. I’m hip with the lingo.” Maggie circle her face with an extended finger and Richie held back a burst of laughter.

Though that had been quite amusing, Richie was momentarily thrown that she’d noticed how much he, quote unquote, bothered Eddie. It wasn’t that much. Of course not.

“You know your aunts and everyone wouldn’t bother you so much if you just admitted to it and brought her over.” She threw her dish towel over her shoulder, neglecting to remember it was covered in the oven cleaner that made Richie lightheaded and irritable.

The more Richie thought about it, his mother was on to something. No more long awkward conversations about setting him up with the local teenagers they knew. He gritted his teeth just thinking about it. He held up his hands in mock surrender and spoke without thinking, which he did a lot.

“You caught me, ma. You’re one...ugh...smart cookie, huh?” He put on some on some old timey voice and bumped her on the arm. She rolled her eyes but actually looked pretty pleased. “I have a boyfriend.”

Richie had spoke before he realized he’d basically just accidentally came out of the closet. He wasn’t too concerned but still....

Maggie just lit up though, her smile was wide and loving. “His name....?”

Richie panicked. “It actually is Eddie! That’s why I hang out with him all the time!” He gestured, very happy with himself.

‘That was smart, good job.’ He patted himself on the back.

That is until he realized the consequences of his words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Why don’t you umm...think about it?” Richie suggested, fearing a long rant from the boy. “Keep in mind, it’d sure help me a lot.” He grinned and Eddie chuckled, he felt better. “I’ll come back in like ten minutes.”

Eddie smiled like he was more so amused at the other boy than pleased, at least that’s what Richie thought. He gently patted Eddie’s arm and began to exit just as he saw Robert make his way over.

As he headed to the door, he caught the beginning to their conversation.

“You’ve got some weird friends, Eddie...”

“Do I now?” Eddie’s voice suggested amusement.

“Yeah. I don’t like that Richie kid, but you know that. You should hang more with that um....Bill kid or the Mike one. They’re nice respectable boys.”

“Alright boss.” Eddie laughed.

Richie couldn’t help but laugh. Though that old man didn’t like him and rejected his applications, Richie fuckin’ loved Robert.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Richie buzzed off for a while, Eddie moved on to cleaning the popcorn machine. His least favorite thing to do in the whole entire world. His thoughts easily drifted to the proposition Richie had given him. And as he cleaned the slimy grease off the counters nearby, he felt his stomach flutter.

He liked Richie. Liked him. He so badly wanted to take this chance while he could because heaven knows he’d never actually say a thing to Richie about his feelings. He’d sooner die.

He had mentioned it to Bill however, ‘well more like Bill found out all on his own because he knows me too well & I’m way to transparent but I digress.’ Eddie frowned deeply. Bill would be pissed if he found out Eddie had agreed to a plan like this. He could hear the whole speech about how this would only hurt his feelings in the long run now. But Eddie was thinking about saying yes. Really how bad could the harm be? Yeah he’d get his feelings hurt but he’d get to spend the day as Richie’s ‘boyfriend’...

Screw Bill. He was going to say yes.

Ten minutes went by astoundingly quick and Richie was easily spotted in the corner of Eddie’s vision just as soon as he started to wipe down the concessions counter. He turned, mouth open to speak but Richie interrupted by sliding a can of Redbull to him. He grinned widely.

“Oh you spoil me, Richie Tozier.” His voice was light and soft and he could almost feel a blush beginning to bloom on his cheeks.

Richie happily leaned over the counter to pinch his cheek. “Anything for my Eddie Spaghetti.”

Eddie swatted his hand away but missed it just as soon as it was gone. For a few comfortable minutes they were silent and smiley.

Eddie coughed and looked down towards the candy case as if examining the order. “So I’ve thought about it.”

Richie tried not to get his hopes up.

“I’ll do it.” Eddie looked up again, once more wiping his finger nervously under his nose. Richie followed the movement with his eyes and looked as if he knew he Eddie was going to do it. He then lit up with a wide smile, so wide in fact that his cheeks pushed his glasses up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“And you said what!?” Bill narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms with all the grace of a middle-aged dad. Eddie gritted his teeth slightly as he responded with a ‘grin’ and twiddled his thumbs.

“I said yes and it’s too late to change it.” He shrugged with a purse of his lips, looking rather smug.

“No it’s not! Tell him I s-s-said no!” Bill spoke in all seriousness even though Eddie giggled like a child at that. “Be serious Eddie. This is only going to hurt you in the long run.”

Eddie pondered that statement for a few seconds and pushed himself off the wall of the bike store. “One day being Richie’s boyfriend is better then nothing, Bill.”

Bill rolled his eyes and tapped lightly at a bike handle. “I can’t believe you agreed to such a d-d-dumb idea.” He spoke as if he was wise beyond his years. Eddie loved and hated that trait, right now he mostly hated it.

“Look. I’m not trying to be the bad guy, Eddie. But once the day is done, you and Richie will be too. W-Where will that leave you? S-s-sad and regretful.” Bill rolled his lips together and felt a pinch in his gut. Eddie’s eyes glazed over with thought again and he could tell he was biting his cheek.

“I’ll be fine and I invite you to call my bluff afterwards if I’m wrong.” Eddie nodded.

Bill sighed, momentarily giving up the subject in fear of causing too much strain. The two of them ended up watching one of those stupid and unsettling yellow balloons slowly deflate to the ground for twenty minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The day of the Tozier Christmas Party, Richie woke up supremely early to help his mother around the home. The cleaning, the tidying, the whole ordeal. His father sat at the kitchen counter reading the paper without a care in the world while his lovely & helpful son cleaned under the table.

‘Under the God damn thing. Like seriously? Who was gonna see under the thing? Beside’s maybe Grandma Ruth’s frickin’ dog.’ Richie pouted to himself as he laid under the thing and heard Wentworth Tozier’s soft laughter. Richie decided to give him a little show.

He moved to crawl under but purposefully misjudged his distance and smacked his head against the table. Wentworth burst into laughter, the kind Richie basked in with pride. Playing stupid wasn’t his preferred method to get laughter but it sure was effective in small doses.

“Oh Richie....” His mother’s voice cooed from the other room as if she just knew what happened from the ‘thump’ sound.

“I’m ok, ma. Tip top shape even.” Richie stood up as he called out loudly to his mother, rag hanging out of his pocket as he moved to sit next to his father, still chuckling. “So’s the table. Am I done for the day now?”

Wentworth ruffled his son’s hair. “Sure, sure. But before you go goof off somewhere, is my oh so wonderful son bringing someone to our little party this year?”

Richie slouched and shrugged him off with a playful frown. “Just Eddie, you’ve met him.” He assumed his father did not no of the details yet. Maggie Tozier might be a gossip but right now she was a little preoccupied, he heard her opening and closing drawers to reorganize them now. Plus, she most likely would want Richie to explain it when he was ready.

“Ahh Eddie, yes.” He nodded, not seeing anything weird in that idea. Richie pursed his lips.

“I just wanted to um....” Richie stumbled a little, not quite expecting his nerves to rise as they were. It was a little shocking. He knew 100% that his father wouldn’t care about the gay thing and would love him either way. So was it the Eddie thing he was nervous about? He shouldn’t even care about that cause it wasn’t even a real thing. “Bring someone special, you know?”

“He’s one of your childhood pals, Rich. Sure he’s special.” Wentworth casually spoke as he filled in another word in his crossword puzzle. “That’s why we invite your ‘Uncle’ Dan. He’s been my buddy since I was ten. Did I ever tell you how I met him-?”

“Yeah Dad. Just a little over two hundred times.” Richie wondered if all father’s had trouble recalling what boring stories they’d told at nausea.

“Anyway” Richie paused to think. He really had to sell this to get him to believe Eddie was his boyfriend.

So he took advantage of his nerves to give the best acting performance of his life...’and it wasn’t even that hard!’ His father turned to him, oblivious as ever. “Never-mind it’s stupid.”

Wentworth smiled up at his child and chuckled, swallowing his first tedious sip of the coffee he’d been nursing. "I say a lot of stupid things, I won't mind."

Richie gave him a look a lot of children give their parents. One of begrudging amusement and familiarity. “Well, Eddie and I are dating, dad.” Richie blurted and bit his lip afterward, wondering if that had been too strong.

“You don’t have to tell me that.” He rolled his eyes. “All kids your age are dating, son.” He shrugged and Richie blinked. How had he completely missed the point?

“Each other, dad. We’re dating each other” Richie rolled his eyes. Wentworth grinned.

“Oh. Alrighty then. Better warn him about your aunts, my boy. They’ll be swarming him with questions.” He stood, the chair squeaking, and patted Richie’s back softly.

Richie smiled, no teeth, just a casual joyful grin. “Better warn him about you too, dad. You and mom can be quite the handful, I tell ya.” He laughed and felt instant warmth and relief as he leaned back and his father wrapped his arms around him briefly. “Thanks.” He mumbled into his arm.

His father said nothing else. Just shook his son lightly and kissed the top of his head, a gesture Richie usually hated.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everything had worked out perfectly. Eddie’s mother was going to be out for the day with a friend but not before she helped him bake some peppermint brownies. To avoid suspicion, Eddie insisted they were for his track team because they were meeting for practice today. She was none the wiser to the fact that Track was not even in season right now.

To sell the point even further, Ben came over early in the morning to help them and to vouch for Eddie’s track story.

“Eddie. You could have said cross country, at least that’s currently in season.” Ben rolled his eyes with a small laugh. Eddie bumped his elbow and shrugged.

“Well, track’s what came out of my mouth so we’re going with it.” He sprinkled some peppermint dust on the brownies. Sonia Kaspbrak was getting her things together before she had to leave. “Besides, I’m not doing cross country again. Just track for me.”

Ben recalled the one year Eddie had done both and all the times he’d complained about running through the ‘fucking disgusting woods, Ben.’ He laughed. “I could guess that.”

“So what exactly am I helping you with now?” Ben asked, playing connect the dots with the candy cane pieces in his mind.

“...The brownies.” Eddie said dumbly, arm hovering over the pan of food. Ben laughed again.

“Yeah, no. I got that dummy. I met what am I helping you cover for?” Ben smacked his arm lightly as Eddie mumbled a small ‘oh’.

“Richie needed a fake boyfriend for a Christmas party to you know, get his family off his back.” Eddie shrugged, casually.

Ben chuckled again. “Sounds like a nightmare.” He joked. Eddie laughed too after what he thought was a pause.

“It’s a way to spend an afternoon alright. At least I’ll get some food and shit.” Eddie dusted his hands of crumbled candy and wiped them down his pant legs. “He’s coming over early, just as soon as my mom leaves to....” He stopped moving his hands to think it over. “actually I don’t know.”

Ben raised his eyebrows with amusement.

The two of them finished up the dessert treat and once Sonia had left, with a bit of a struggle, Ben made his exit too.

Eddie wrapped some tin foil over the pan and placed it on his counter just as a knock came at the door. Just as he swung the door open, a hug black garbage bag thrust into his arms.

“Is your mom here?” Came Richie’s voice, slightly muffled as Eddie’s face was shoved into the bag. He threw the thing onto his carpet and rolled his eyes. Richie stood in his doorway with a wide mischievous smile and a Christmas sweater that was practically glowing from the twinkle.

“No but if she was, your ass would be thrown out on the sidewalk by now. Do you have to make such a scene when you enter a room?” Eddie playfully smacked his cheek and Richie shoved him off, moving towards his bag of treasures.

“The answer is yes, Eddie my boy.” Richie sat on the ground and started to untie his bag. “And look what I have brought for you, my dear boyfriend.” Richie chuckled and Eddie swallowed thickly.

For a panicked moment, Eddie fully agreed with Bill. Just from the use of that word. It hit him in the gut and took with it his breath, he almost reached for his inhaler. However Richie did not miss a beat and was already pulling crap out of the bag to show him.

“You gotta pick one so you can blend in with the Toziers, who dress soooooo very cool.”

The garbage bag was full of Christmas sweaters, each one uglier than the next. Eddie let himself laugh again and took a seat on the carpet with his friend to dig through the pile of mess.

And for a solid twenty minutes, Eddie didn’t have a care in the world. As long as Richie was making him laugh and displaying his lovely sweater collection, he was happy and carefree.

After some fun, Richie and Eddie headed on their way together. The drive was surprisingly quiet, each boy inside their own head. Richie admired the falling snow and hoped that it would stick around to last through Christmas day.

Eddie’s mind was happily pushing out the risks about the day and feeling the slight itch from his borrowed sweater. He was elated from the knowledge that under Richie’s own thin coat, his sweater matched with his. He grinned and twitched his nose. He was pleasantly surprised that he wasn’t feeling that nervous anymore....in fact the only bothersome feeling he was having was that kind of absent feeling? He shook his hands which somehow felt empty as if he forgot something....

“Shit! Oh my god, you’re so stupid.” Eddie smacked his forehead and yelled at himself. Richie just about jumped six feet in the air from the abrupt surprise.

“Hey! What’d I do???” Richie blinked and Eddie turned to him with a look of amusement and annoyance, he gave that look to Richie a lot.

“No, I was talking to myself....I made brownies for your family but I doubt they’ll enjoy them much if they’re still in my kitchen.”

Richie chuckled for a few seconds before realizing they’d have to drive all the way back to Eddie’s house. “Oh crap.” He muttered, fidgeting in the drivers seat like he was going to turn.

Brenda Lee was singing with a voice of jolly as Richie pulled into a gas station to turn them around. “Should actually get some gas here, Rich. You’re gas light’s gonna be on in like two minutes I bet.” Eddie laughed.

Richie frowned. He was a really good driver but if he had one problem, it was forgetting to get gas or just pretending he didn’t need to do it. He did not like having to stop because it was an ‘inconvenience’. It made Eddie laugh because what an actual inconvenience it’d be if the guy ran out of gas in the middle of driving.

As the boy got out of the car, Eddie turned up the radio and felt the vibration of Richie sticking the gas pump in. The radio started out in soft whispers and grew louder in a familiar nostalgic way. Eddie knew just what it was so he lowered his window for his companion. “Listen to what you’re missing, Rich!!”

“...Another year over. And a new one just begun. And so this is Christmas...”

Richie instantly shouted out a loud cry of enjoyment. He finished filling the car up and hurried over to the window with the brightest grin Eddie had ever seen, he scooted back on his seat as if afraid of the sudden closeness. “This is why I hate getting gas. I miss everything good.” He leaned further into the car.

“Then get in and lets’ go.” Eddie said, almost begging him to back up and stop leaning over him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Richie and Eddie made it back to his house and collected the brownies which were just too enticing for Richie not to try on the way back to his house. He ate three out of the huge pan full. Eddie smacked his hand the fourth time he tried to reach for one.

Richie did a great rendition of Elton John’s ‘Step Into Christmas’ where he got louder and louder every line which ended just in time for him to pull into his icy driveway. He turned the car off and made no immediate move to get out, just leaned back and sighed. “We’re still really early so it’s still probably just my parents.”

Eddie nodded.

“You ready for the greatest time of your life, dear?” Richie asked a sweet voice and made Eddie grin and laugh. Richie took that as yes and hopped out of the car in a flash and before Eddie could even think to open his door, Richie opened it for him.

Eddie whistled as he hopped out, careful not to slip though Richie looked ready to help if needed. “Oh how I love when you’re a gentleman.” He batted his eyes in some impression of a love-struck teen. He didn’t really know for sure what he was going for, after all Richie was the impressionist.

Richie almost looked flattered for a second, blinking with a shy grin. But almost instantly after, he rushed to the door while Eddie followed after.

Richie started speaking almost before he even opened the door, “ 'Zat You, Santa Claus?” He questioned sarcastically as he slid inside with a smirk. “Oh no, just your loving son.” He smiled and then gestured for Eddie to follow him.

“Dusting off the ol’ Louis Armstrong impression for the holidays, huh?” Wentworth spoke up from the kitchen counter. His newspaper spilled from his hands and spread over the table. His eyes still glanced over to read a few lines as his mother used the sports section as a placemat for cutting up ribbon. She glanced up and the look on her face was way more excited than Richie had expected and suddenly he was nervous again.

The home was in the process of being decorated, evergreen garland wrapped their banister and bundles of lights nested deeply in the spaces between green and pine cone. Richie was willing to bit his mother had forgot about the annual Christmas sprucing again and borrowed some extra lights from their neighbors. The ol’ time-y 50′s radio that Richie had found at a garage sale was pulled from his room and sat neatly a-top their crappy fireplace. James Taylor was currently wishing them all a merry little Christmas. He smiled.

“Eddie!” Maggie happily strolled over and stood before them.

“I’m here too mom.” Richie said sarcastically and she waved her hand with a matching smirk.

“Hi, Mrs. Tozier, Mr. Tozier.”

Richie could tell Eddie was a little nervous but who wouldn’t be if you had to pretend to be dating someone in front of their parents?

“I made everyone some brownies...there’d be more if your son didn’t eat three on the way over here.” Eddie playfully smacked Richie’s arm and handed over the pan to Maggie, who looked grateful.

“He is his fathers boy.” Maggie threw a look to her husband as she slid the treats carefully before him. He was not really paying attention to her and habitually reached out for a sweet brownie. Maggie slapped his hand and gave Eddie a look that said ‘See!’ and they shared a laugh.

“Hey! What’d I do?” Wentworth questioned, darting his eyes between them.

Richie felt a little odd at the moment. It was a new level of bonding that just occurred between his mother and Eddie. A simple shared joke about the Tozier boys...’Their Tozier boys’....it made his face burn a holly colored red that luckily no one saw.

“I thought you kids might wanna decorate the tree before the family shows up.” Wentworth scooted out of his seat and followed them into the living room area, picking up a smaller ornament box while Richie took a larger to set on the couch.

This was Richie’s favorite activity. God, he loved this time of the year. He started to carefully dig through the boxes for the best ones while Eddie sat down on the couch. “You gonna help me or what, Eddie dear?”

Eddie scoffed, leaning his body over the box. “I dunno....you probably ate enough sugar to do it all yourself in thirty seconds, Rich.” He spoke softly but with his favorite tone...teasing.

Richie rolled his eyes and leaned over the box as well, slightly taller so Eddie tilted his chin up. “You’re such a Grinch these days...” He sighed and lifted a clearly handmade ornament, admiring it in his hand. “I miss the boy in this ornament...he was much more fun back then.”

Eddie furrowed his brows and sat on his knees to get a peek of the ornament however Richie moved it from just under his nose. “Oh come on, what is that?” He scurried off the couch and fought him for it.

Neither boy cared to notice Richie’s parents who were so obviously enjoying the show. Maggie smacked Wentworth’s arm to get him to look and when he did, he held back laughter. “These kids...” She rolled her eyes but let her hand rest over her heart.

“Aha!” Eddie ripped the thing from his friend and got the look he wanted so badly. It was a handmade clay red and green frame with a photo of the two of them when they were no more than eight. Richie wanted to see the look on Eddie’s face so he instinctively rested his chin on Eddie’s shoulder. He’d been doing that lately a lot since Eddie was much shorter than him. “Awwww...” Eddie couldn’t help but smile. “We look so stupid.” He burst into laughter and thrusted the ornament back to his ‘boyfriend.’

“I gotta see this.” Wentworth jumped up and went over to them, Richie gladly handed it over. His dad smiled and shook his head and soon Maggie was over there just the same.

“And who would’ve known those two idiots would grow up to be two idiots in love.” Richie mocked, hand on his chest before looking at Eddie. That’s when he realized the heaviness of his words. Eddie’s eyes were wide and for a half second, panicked. No one in the room seemed to know what to do but for different reasons. Richie allowed his parents to believe the air was tense because they’d simply not said the ‘L’ word just yet while he and Eddie didn’t make eye contact.

“Ummm, ok. Who wants to hang the elf with one arm?” Richie held up the broken ornament with an awkward smile. Eddie chuckled, taking it from him, so everyone knew it was ok again.

They spent twenty minutes hanging shit. There were tons of ornaments Richie didn’t even remember like a vintage looking yellow balloon with a black smiley face. He figured it was one of his dads, he was weird.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had only took two or three guests arriving for Richie and Eddie to fall into a comfortable routine. Mostly because nothing had really changed. Richie always put his arm around Eddie, Eddie always begged Richie for bites of his food when he was perfectly capable of getting his own, and Richie always played with the end of Eddie’s sleeves.

By the time everyone was all counted for, Richie and Eddie were making their rounds with no problem. Richie could not believe how easy it was. They got told they were the cutest little couple like ten different times. ‘That was strange, huh? Nah, I’m a great actor so...’ Richie got distracted by Eddie looping their arms together.

Eddie was in shock that he played the part so well. Even family members he’d met before found it completely normal for the two of them to be ‘dating now’. It pained him a lot. Even more than he suspected.

The two of them and found a moment to themselves in the corner of the room on an old chair. Richie cradled a Pine candle that he raised to his nose every thirty seconds or so. “So, how weird is it for you?” Richie asked, head tilting to the side.

Eddie frowned. “Very.” ‘painful’. He took the candle to smell it for himself.

Richie deflated at that answer and he wasn’t quite sure why. That had been what he’d expected. He looked up to where his mother was showing everyone some childhood scrapbook and caught a comment.

“I knew it. Mary, I’ll tell you that much. I knew those two were a couple.”

Wentworth rolled his eyes, sipping the most classic dad drink he ever could, eggnog. “No you did not.”

His mother turned with her lips pursed to start bickering about it and Richie did not want to hear anymore. “What about you, Rich?” Eddie handed the candle back over.

Richie took in a nice long breath of it and rolled his lips together. “I mean yeah, but when everyone was trying to get us under the mistletoe I was excited. I’ve just been dying to kiss ya, Eds my love.” He grinned and leaned over to pinch his cheeks and Eddie rolled his eyes, slapping his arm to initiate a play fight.

“Awww look how cute.”

Both boys stopped suddenly as Richie’s aunt Mary stopped in front of them. Their cheeks turned rosy shades of pink.

“Hey Aunt Mary....” They both smiled awkwardly, dropping their hands into their own laps.

“Now. I’ve heard from just about everyone on how cute you two are.” She put her hands on her hips and they nodded out of politeness. “But I would like to know how it started. I mean I’ve known you Eddie since you were about...yay big.” She paused to make sure her measurement was right, her hand hovered low to the ground. “So it must be a cute story. You guys were adorable then too.” She laughed.

‘Crap.’ Of all their preparing, they lacked an actual answer for that. They never did come up with a full story. Richie turned to his friend, who looked equally lost and figured he should take the handle on this since it was all his idea.

“Well, I think I always just knew, you know?” Richie started, hoping he could pull it off. So he tried to remember why everyone truly believed them. “But I’m pretty shit at being serious about things like that so I always just joked with Eddie about it, I’m sure you remember hearing some of that?” He asked her and she nodded, not even caring that he swore just then.

“Anyway, I um....” He scratched behind his ear before awkwardly sliding it over to clasp Eddies for a more convincing look. Eddie didn’t even flinch, in fact, he looked rather interested himself. “It was after this really awesome day we had this past summer. We’d all hung out all day and at some point we were the only two left so I asked Eddie if he wanted to get ice cream. And what was it that we got...?” Richie laughed and looked to Eddie. This was such an unnecessary detail but he was basing this on an actual day they had and for the life of him, he could not remember their order from that day.

“Rocket pops.” Eddie supplied him with what he remembered and shook their hands, for a few seconds they just looked at each other.

“Oh yeah, Rocket pops. So I being an idiot, thought it’d be funny to scare Eddie on my way back from getting mine and so I did and you should’ve seen him.” He started to laugh. “He must’ve been going for a record jump. Eds Kaspbrak gets twenty feet off ground....” He laughed some more before gathering himself for his aunt’s sake.

“And he drops his right? We didn’t have anymore money left either so I felt like the scum of the earth.” He pats their clasped hands with his free one. “So I gave him mine. He didn’t even care about my germs. And I dunno...something about that moment was too perfect. I was still out of breath from the greatest day ever, I think Bruce Springsteen was playing on the loud speaker at the ice cream place and he makes me overly confident like nothing else-” He laughed again “And it was so God damn sunny out....so like the perfect day, right?” He was going on one of his tangents.

Eddie’s hand tightened it’s grip and Richie felt less nervous. “So I just kinda actually realized it for the first time and I knew that I had to say something right then and there or I’d regret it.” He waved his hand and when everyone was still looking, he let it fall. His chest tightened with embarrassment.

“Awwww, you two are the cutest kids.” Aunt Mary said in that adult tone of voice that read like she didn’t believe they’d last very long and she walked away. However, Eddie smacked his arm hard enough to leave a hand-print.

“Ow! What’d I do?” Richie rubbed at it and whined. Eddie shook his head and smiled.

“How did you come up with that?”

Richie felt himself grow even more embarrassed. “Oh well, you know-”

“Richie! come here for a minute!” He heard his mother call and was instantly relieved to escape the moment. He gave Eddie a small smile and squeezed his shoulder in habit as he left the room.

About five minutes later Eddie got bored and walked into the kitchen. He made a terrible mistake when he stopped at the door frame next to Richie where they were now...both under the mistletoe. ‘Crap’

This time, they’d done it themselves but no one seemed to notice a part from them. Richie looked up and back at Eddie, then Eddie did the same.

Both boys remained still and focused on the other. There was something between them in this moment, Eddie was sure. And God he really hoped so. Richie had to be thinking the same thing. Who could say a story like that and not mean it?

Richie twiddled his thumbs as he looked at the smaller boy. That story had just come out of him really. But when he was saying it....boy he really wished that had been what happened. Looking at Eddie right now, he was oh so sure he felt the same way.

‘This is it. He’s gonna say something’ Richie thought.

‘This is it. He’s gonna say something’ Eddie thought.

“Kids come here for a second!”

They both jumped, maybe breaking Eddie’s record from the ice cream shop and felt their chances were blown. Even worse, both felt that maybe they were reading too much into it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“He's got to wear his goggles 'cause the snow really bites And he's cruisin' every path with a little surprise-”

“Dad? Did you just say ‘the snow really bites?’ ” Richie asked his father with a laugh. Wentworth nodded. “That’s not right. It’s ‘the snow really flies’, dad.”

Eddie chuckled as he plopped into the seat next to Richie. Richie’s dad pulled back with a shocked expression.

“You’re kidding?”

“No dad. I know that song in and out. No one knows the Beach Boys better than your awesome son.” Richie stuck his thumb to his chest and Wentworth scoffed, getting up and ruffling his sons hair. Richie watched him go and turned to his small friend. “How goes it, my love?” He pinched his arm. Eddie smacked his hand away.

“Don’t do that, asshole.” He reached over and pinched him back. Eddie wanted so badly to start actually talking about how he was feeling like a normal person. But he really couldn’t get it out. Bill was right. This was a bad idea and any pain he was feeling was his own damn fault.

‘Little Saint Nick’ faded into ‘Silver Bells’ and Richie lit up like a Christmas tree. “Come on Eds, my dear. We should probably dance, you know?” He held out his hand and Eddie hesitated before allowing it.

Teasing ‘whoops’ and whistles came from his family members and Eddie hoped he wasn’t blushing. Richie just played along, rolling his eyes and waving his hands at them.

“-Children laughing people passing meeting smile after smile And on every street corner you hear

Silver bells (silver bells) Silver bells (silver bells)”

Richie pulled Eddie closer.

Eddie almost pinched himself.

Both boys took to the dance as any boyfriends would. Laughing, spinning each other and pulling the other close. Eddie was in heaven.

Richie leaned his head down as Eddie came close again, smiling into the shorter boys hair.

“Hey Eds-?” Eddie looked up and their faces were now just inches apart. “I missed the moment last time....but this one’s just as good so...I wanna tell you, I have feelings for you. Like real ones.”

Eddie almost passed out. “You do?”

Richie loosened up on the boy and nodded. “I know it might be weird and I dragged you into this but holy fuck, I didn’t plan on this. I have feelings and I think I always have.”

Eddie jumped up and wrapped his arms around his neck and heard distant whistles again. So he just mumbled into Richie’s neck. “Me too. And I’m so happy you dragged me into this.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The losers club was huddled into one small booth at the restaurant where Stan worked. They had just gotten the great news from Richie and Eddie. All that was left to hear was Stan. He came strolling out of the kitchen after his shift ended and slid into what space was left next to Mike.

He caught sight of Richie, who’s arm was around Eddie and he smirked the widest he’d ever had in his life.

“Wow. Seems like another case of I was right and you were wrong, huh Richie?” He crossed his arms. Richie shrugged. “I knew you liked Eddie. Before you even knew.” He stuffed some bread in his mouth as the rest of the losers laughed.

They spent the next twenty minutes having dinner together. Richie pulling Eddie close and the eyes of the ol’ timey paintings followed them all.

#i hope this is ok???#it's been 70 years since my last one #stephen king #Stephen kings IT #IT by stephen king #the losers club #my fanfiction #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #reddie #reddie fic #stan uris #bill denbrough #ben hanscom

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mare-sanguis · 5 years ago

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A little Bill x Stan headcanon ♡ Self harm and depression~

The final fight was one month ago- and finally everyone was healing.

Even the wounds on Stans face were gone. Only some scars were left.

Scars which would remind him of what happened- for the rest of his life.

They all really tried their best to get their shit together. They tried to meet up as often as possible to share their thoughts.

But some things were still left unspoken.

And especially Stan had them worried.

He wasnt the loudest of them all- but he also was never this quiet.

It just happened suddenly. The last day they saw him he seemed happy- never thought that something like this would follow.

But they cared to much to let it unspoken.

Bill was the first one to ask him.

"Stan- I... w-we all were w-wondering if everythings a-alright with you? Are y-you ok?"

Stan wasnt prepared for it, he just looked around in his friends group in confusion- didnt know how to answer because for him, for them, he wanted to be fine. To be ok.

"I'm good. Thanks. But why do you ask?"

"Because one day you were happy and now... youre like this." Eddie said, while dealing with some shit Richie was doing, muttering some swear words.

"Like this? Like how?"

It was Mikes turns. "Like... very lost in thoughts." Ben nooded to it.

"Everybody has a bad day sometimes. Dont you think?"

It was followed by silent noods- but they all knew well enough that it wasnt just one bad day.

And they were right. He didnt change. And it made them even more worried.

They were at the Quarry, in the water, the first time it happened. The first time they didnt know what to do. But it wasnt the last time.

Stan was the only one who wasnt in the cold blue water, that too worried the others. He instead was sitting at the small rock near by it- watching his friends having the time of their life, reading a book. And suddenly, it just hitted him.

The realisation that he could have lost his friends that day- that they could have died because of this psychopathic clown- hit him right in his face. It wasnt the best time, not the best moment and he hated himself for tearing the good mood down- everyone was laughing until they heard the soft sobs.

They all turned their heads in Stans direction, seeing him sitting there- looking completely lost, with the tears streaming down his face. He tried to calm down as quick as possible, to wipe away the tears- but his friends were faster and his tears and emotions too.

Bev got out of the water first and sat down next to him, followed by the others. Bev was like the mother of the group- always the first one when something was wrong. Always the one who understood the fastest.

"Whats wrong?" She placed a hand on his head and patted it. He didnt flinched, still tried to wipe the tears away.

"I dont know I... I just... my mind just keeps showing me pictures of you... all dead. We could have died that day..."

Everyone looked a bit shocked, but Bev just smiled.

"Well... we could have but we didnt. Because as a team we're strong enough to defeat who ever we want."

Stan just starred at the pages of the book, trying to calm himself down by thinking how stupid his behavior was now.

"I'm so sorry to bring the mood down like this. You should get back to where you all stopped." He whispered.

"No. We wont. Not until you stop crying and not until you stop making us worry." This time it was Richie. And his words were so true. It was like the first time he said something without joking.

"We see whats going on with you- we noticed the change right away." Eddie said.

"Was it really that obvious?"

"Well yeah it was."

Stan smiled a bit- and then Bill touched his hand, seeing Stan like this made him upset. Very upset. He was used to his his emotional outbursts but this time it was so different. It was pure and full of worries. He wasnt mad at anyone- he looked so different.

"We will h-help you through i-it. Thats a promise."

Stan smiled more. But he was still hurt inside- and his friends knew.

"Lets go back home." Ben said, just one hour later. Stan was still a mess and his eyes still red but he finally could see straight again. They nooded in agreement, packed up their things and headed back on the road, separating. Stan was ready to leave to but Bill stopped him right away.

"If you want... you... can come over. M-my parents arent home... until tomorrow morning."

Stan tiled his head slightly.

"I... dont know. I cant. Probably."

Eben if he looked like he was ok- he wasnt. His strange behavior wasnt the only thing that changed. It was summer- and he was still wearing long sleeves.

"Why not?"

"My father wont let me I guess. I should go now." He forced a smile on his face.

"Maybe next time." There still was it. This forced smile. Bill saw it clearly- and he didnt want to let Stan go like this.

So he grabbed his arm- he didnt put much force in it but it made Stan flinch anyway. He hissed out a quiet breath and pulled his arm away- rubbig it slightly.

"W-what was that S-stan...?" Bill sounded worried, tried not to stutter.

"What was what? Its my arm."

"How you... r-reacted to it. Why?"

"I just hit my arm by accident. Hurts a little- you know."

Bill nooded- didnt want to bother him more. He wanted to leave him alone, to let him go. But when he saw the red on his sleeve he knew he couldnt let him go. Not now and not like this.

"Whats this?" He pointed at the red spot on Stans sleeve. He heard him swearing a little "shit".

"Blood... I guess?" He wanted to sound like he doesnt know.

"Why? Were does it come from, Stan?"

"I dont know?"

They both didnt notice that Bill didnt even stuttered once.

"Stan what is it? What did you do?"

Stan turned away from him.

"Nothing." He rubbed the blood away as it dripped down his hand.

"Youre to honest t-to be a good l-liar. Youre hurting yourself."

"I'm not." He stepped away from his friend, tears starting to surface up again. Sobs escaping him.

And then he felt a soft hug around him.

"I told you. We will help. Thats a promise. What ever it is. Thats w-why we're friends."

Stan returned the hug, tried to calm down.

"Lets get h-home... and take c-care of your wounds."

Stan followed him home in silence, to awkward to speak a word. As they arrived home at Bills he straight went to the bathroom to get the first aid kit, leaving the other boy awkwardly standing in the floor.

"Lets go to my room." He heard Bill saying and Stan followed him up. His arm hurt likr hell, it was burning.

They sat down on the floor.

"Show m-me please..." he held out his hand.

Stan looked at it, feeling a bit uncomfortable.

"You dont have to feel uncomfortable." Bill smiled a bit.

"Fine." Stan rolled up his sleeve, revealing a deep cut which was bleeding again.

"Oh Stan..." the other boy sighed.

"Why?"

Stan looked down.

"I dont know."

"I-is it b-vecause of IT...?"

"No... it was more than one month ago... how can it be related to this thing...?"

"Then... why...?"

Stan shrugged.

"Dont tell anyone."

"I wont. B-but... shat ever b-bothers you... what e-ever it is... I'll ... we'll help you. I promise."

Stan smiled.

"And what ever keeps you up at night... you have us Bill...~"

They both smiled at each other as Bill fixed the bandages.

And what remains is the shadow of my past

I look in the mirror and hate what I see

I don't recognise my face anymore

And wonder where all of my dreams are gone

Feeling lost and empty

I know I can't turn back time

But I just don't want to give up

I can't give up.

Notes:

The lyrics at the end are from Lacuna Coils new single "Save Me"

#it chapter one #it chapter 1 #it chapter two #it chapter 2 #stenbrough #stanbrough #bill x stan

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pepitapepi · 7 years ago

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Sleep Tight (The Royal Romance fanfic)

Inspiration:”all the Drake fans are getting possessive after Kiara checked out Drake once…and its really unhealthy? I just hope these fans realise that that sort of behavior irl makes people feel really creeped out” It is really inspiring seeing people who cannot take a joke. This is a little story that came to my mind after seeing that and few similar comments.

It takes place after chapter three book 2.

word counts: 931

Its 2 a.m. and I can’t sleep. Again. All this laughter is bothering me. More than I care to admit. Laughter of people of Cordonia, the nobles. Shucks, who am I lying to, the whole world is laughing at me! But I need to stay strong. And the most of the time I am, strong. But every time night falls I fall apart. And every morning I need to collect every single piece of myself. This night laughter bothers me as well. Different kind of laughter though. And it feels like a knife to my heart.They are sitting on the bench under my window. For hour and a half now. And I have never heard him this happy. This can’t be happening. Not after everything I’ve been through. On the other hand, I know, maybe this is the best for everybody. I am here for Liam and he doesn’t want to hurt his friend even though he cares about me big time. He wants me to be happy and I want him to be happy. Like he told me last week:“…the best thing is sometimes the most painful.“ I know that Liam loves me and would do anything for me, I know. And I hope that some woman will love Drake as much as I love him. Maybe we will learn to live without each other in time. I hope…

Drake and I haven’t really talked since we visited spa. He’s been seen with Lady Kiara more than few times on social events afterwards. He used all those stolen moments for her like he used them for me before. It breaks me every time but I know he does that on purpose. He wants me to go for Liam and he deserves to move on, too. And if I was smarter I would accept that. Heaven knows I tried. Its 2 a.m. and I feel so awake, I should join them. I know Lady Kiara doesn’t want to be seen with me but dont care anymore. It late as hell and she is seducing my man. Not on my watch Kiara, not under my window. Im walking down the stairs and I only hope I won’t meet anyone. I’m in garden already and I see the bench. Lady Kiara is sitting there alone. Where is Drake?

„Hello Lady Kiara.“ She just looked at me and I saw in her eyes she didn’t want me there. To break awkward silence I continued:“Cant sleep, too, huh?“ Little smile was formed at the edge of her lips:“Well, actually, I am here with somebody. He just went for more drinks.“-she showed empty glasses on little stone table. „Uh, I didnt know know. May I join?.“-it was cold but I suddenly felt colder knowing that Drake is actully coming back and that their night might have happy ending we never had. She rolled her eyes.“Well, I am actually not surprised. You have to ruin that, too.“-she stood up slowly. „I don’t know what are you talking about, Lady Kiara.“ „You know! You know very well. First Liam, now…“ „Are you insane?!“-I stepped back as she was walking towards me. She was cleary drunk.-„I am not going to marry Liam.“ Kiara started laughing.“As you two arent lovers? As you aren’t fucking Liam behind Madeleine’s back? She was right about you.“ „Kiara, let’s sit down, you drank too much.“ „Oh, don’t tell me what to do. Because of you people are talking behind Madeleine’s back!“ „Thats not my fault. She knew Liam loves me from the beginning.“ I was little afraid. I knew Kiara never liked me but I didn’t want to fight. „Uhh“-she looked me under my eyes-„Like Liam wasnt enough for you, Drake loves you too.“ „What are you talking about? You’re drunk, let sit Kiara, please!“-I begged her as she was coming at me. She was furious. „Listen to me! Just listen!“-she cougth breath and continued-„Drake is mine! You won’t take him from me, too!“ „I am not taking anyone from you! Can you hear yourself?!“-I watched her in disbelief. „Everybody is talking about you. Liam loves you and you are fucking his best friend behind his back.“-she laughed at herself-„Do you know how they call you? Do you?“ I just stared at her. „Do you?!“-she yelled. „No..,“-tear appeared in my eye-„..no, I dont know.“ „They call you The Royal Hoe. And you know what, I honesty believed you were innocent with all that thing with Tariq but I don’t know anymore. You just have to fuck every man here and now you want to take Drake from me.“ She jumped at me pulling my hair. I begged her to stop and called help. She was behind my back and only thing that was near me was a stone vase near the bench so I grabbed it and hit her head with it. She fell at the ground and toched her hear. It was bleading. „You whore!“-she yelled. I wasn’t aware what was happening. I grabbed that vase one more time and hit her head again, and again… Her face was unrecognizable. My hands were red so as my dress.

„Kiara, sorry it took me so long but…“- Drake saw me. He put bottle away. I ran to him and sobbed. He grabbed my hand roughly:“What have you done?!“ „Drake…I…I killed her.“ He didn’t even looked at me. I only saw disgust in his eyes. He run to her. I fell to ground and started crying. Every single bone in me still hurts. Now nobody will laugh at me. But I doubt I will be ever able to sleep.

#playchoices #the royal romance #the royal romance fanfiction #trr #trr book 2 #trr book 1 #trr liam #trr drake #trr kiara #trr prince #prince liam #drake walker #choices stories you play #choices #trr fanfic #playchoices fanfic

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helplessyethopeful-blog · 5 years ago

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Got mommy issues? Same.

Losing my brother in the family meant that the only ones left were us girls. Any normal family would say they had to stick together. But there was far from happiness under my roof.. but then again, that was my normal.

Who knew that getting beaten with broom handles, cable wires, fists, and anything else in arms reach could be the most painful things around? My sister and I unfortunately had the opportunity to find out. With my mom always drugged up it was left up to me to take care of my sister. She was after all the only person I had left. My mom had isolated us from the rest of the family. After all she couldn't let anybody see the bruises we were covered in. During the school year she always made sure to have our marks covered by whatever we were wearing. And we never told a soul about what was happening at home.

Until one night, I got brave. I guess I thought I was trying to do everyone a favor. I dont truly remember this night on my own, only from what the adults have told me. I waited until the middle of the night for my mom to be passed out on the couch as she always was and I tried to light her blanket on fire 6 times with the lighter she left out. I don't know if it was fear or just plain dumb. But it didn't work either way. This all happened at about 1 in the morning. Right after I called my moms best friend and left a voice mail on her machine stating that "I tried to kill my mom but it wouldn't work". Nobody found out about this until the next morning.

I was scared shitless. My mom didn't send me, nor my sister to school today. We weren't sick. Our bruises from the last beating were finally clearing up so why are we home?

I remember it was about noon time. I was in my sisters room, her sitting in my lap while we played with our toys. My mom called us out into the living room and said that no matter what she will always love us and that we were going away for a sleepover, in the moment we just didn't fully understand that she wasn't coming with us. I remember the social worker having 2 officers come upstairs and wait around while I packed me and my sister some clothes and toys for our sleepover. My mom said we would all be together again soon, that she needed to help to be able to take care of us again.

Who knew that, that wouldn't be for another 3 years.

3 years. 13 different homes. 13 different families. 13 different towns and schools. 13 different sets of rules to obey. All stuffed into 3 years. Fuck that.

About a year into foster care and I finally started getting weekend visits back home with my mom. It was a lot of fun lost of the time. My mom wasn't drinking or doing any lines. She was happier and was very kind compared to the woman I said goodbye to a year prior. Unfortunately for myself I ended up on my own though. My sister was ripped away from me, and I saw her maybe twice I'm the 2 years to follow. She was thrown around even more than I was. 17 homes in 3 years and 2 group homes. They all treated her like shit, as they had me. The last home we were in together, our foster moms name was Beverly. She was nice, but super strict about everything.. my sister was about 4ish at this time. It was about 11pm and my sister started throwing a tantrum, major because nobody would turn a light on for her. It was pitch black in the room we were stuck in. I didn't make a peep except for the minor "shh" I was giving my sister to try and calm her down. It didn't work. Beverly, this woman who took us in. Who was being paid to take care of us, took my 4 year old sister and made her stand outside in our backyard all alone in the middle of the night. To make matters worse, we lived in a heavy coyote area and Beverly had horses. A usual coyote snack if you don't take care of your pets. For a good hour my baby sister was screaming in my back window begging for help. It was cold. It was dark. And this bitch was just plain cruel. Only a couple days went by and I saw my sister for the last time for the next couple of months, when Beverly decided she wouldn't keep her anymore. Where were they taking her? When would I see her again? Who is going to take care of her if I'm not with her? She was all I had left... and then I had nothing.

About another 6 months had gone by and things were okay. I still hadn't completely gotten over the fact that my sister was gone yet and I guess you could say I learned my role in that house from that night with my sister and following. I guess in a way you could say I was the perfect child. But I was truthfully just afraid of what they would do to me if I stepped out of line. I still didnt know where they actually brought my sister.

This one day things finally seemed like they were looking up. I was on a home visit for the weekend with my mom. She seemed better. She wasnt drunk or fucked up. She was the exact opposite actually, compared to what I was used to.. she was kind and loving and like a true mom. I remember sitting on the floor while she played with my hair when she asked me "Do you want the good news or the bad news first?" In my opinion I always go for the bad news first so I can make myself feel better with the good news. She handed my a newspaper article and told me to just read it. My heart shattered in seconds. It was an obituary for my Uncle Joe, who happened to be my best friend, the only adult in my life to never fail me was gone. The article didn't explain much, but it was a suicide. He was battling depression and nobody saw it. The worst part out of all of it, I wasnt allowed to go to the funeral and my social worker wouldnt allow my mom to even tell me he had passed. I didn't find out until about 8 months after. The good news, I was going to be coming home for good in just a few short weeks!

Those "few short weeks" were the longest days to pass by. I just wanted to go home with my mom and sister and move on. Until i got home and learned that my sister wasnt coming back, that is. Why just me? Why isn't my sister coming home? Why won't they let her come back? Isn't my mom better? Isn't that why they let me come home? It didnt make any sense to me. Why me?

I guess it was a one-at-a-time kind of thing. I was back on track. Going to a new school, but back at home and actually feeling secure and happy again. My sister would be home in 2 months tops, as far as my mom knew anyways..

It was a regular day. School had just started, the teachers were calling out students names to make sure everybody was there and I got pulled to the nurse office. When I first went in I thought it was just a normal conversation to just make sure things were going good. She asked me if I knew a blonde woman named Erin and I had told her that she was my social worker. The nurse then got up and opened the door, with none other than Erin to be let in.

From what I remember, the conversation was short and straight to the point.

"I talked to your mom and were going to have to bring you to a new family today, you're mom says that she hates you and she doesnt want anything to do with you anymore."

Just like that, I was ripped from the perfect life I had been begging for. Where did I go wrong? Did I forget to clean my room? Did I make mommy mad? Did I forget my clothes or toys on the floor again? I just wanted a reason. Nobody had one.

I didnt find out for another year and a half, when my sister and I were finally sent back home, what truly happened on that day. Erin walked into my school and lied to my face. She told me that she talked to my mom, which was a lie. She told me my mom hated me and didn't want me anymore. I believed her and didn't talk to my mom for a good month. It was a lie. Instead of helping fix families, Erin was more than pleased to rip them apart. My mom was tricked into signing abandonment papers, signing away her rights to my sister and I. My mom never even knew I was brought back into foster care that day until 5 hours later when she went to pick me up from school.

Luckily enough for the sake of our lives, we got assigned a new social worker. Unfortunately I don't remember her name but she wasn't Erin and that was good enough for all of us. She actually seemed to listen to us about how we felt about things. She was actually helping my mom be a better mom. And my favorite part, she helped reunite us with my sister again.

All I wanted from the second I got torn from my sister, was to have my sister back. I fought to the tooth and nail to make sure she was protected. When we was finally able to come home I was more than thrilled but for some reason she wasnt. She was different. She was mean. And she didnt want anything to do with me anymore. She had been the only person I was more worried about than my own self. And she know barely wanted to hold a conversation with me, nevermind hold my hand and be my best friend as we were our entire lives before being split up. It was okay though. My mom said it was pretty much the trauma and instability that I just had to give her some time.

Time didn't help. My sister, was not my sister anymore... but atleast we were home, and home together where I could watch her.

#mommyissues #fostercarelife #bigsister #littlesister #sisterhood #nevergiveup #knowyourtruth #appreciatethelittlethingsinlife #nevertrust #staystrong #staywoke #bepreparedforanything

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tombombadilcankickyourass · 7 years ago

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SCREAMING INTO THE VOID--my thoughts on the last 8 months of my life as written in insomnia induced moments of mania....

1 MONTH (JANUARY)

Today marks a month, and im still not ok. I miss him. I love him and I wish I wasnt so set on marriage. If I could get over that, we could have been happy. Everybody keeps telling me to get over him, its been a month, you should be fine. but hes my best friend. He knows everything. He knows about my uncle beating me and my foster brother molesting me and my father being in prison and that I have a juvenile taste in books and movies, and that I get nightmares when im not with him. He knows more than anybody else in my life ever has. He knows the things that I would never tell my parents, or my sister. He knows everything. How am I supposed to just be friends with someone who knows everything? And how am I supposed to not be in love with him anymore? He has been the sun I orbit around for the last 3 years. I cant go back to seeing him on a regular basis. I dont want to talk to him and have to avoid saying certain things. I dont want to be talking to him and not be able to reach over and touch his face. I dont want to text him not not be able to send I love you. I cant handle it. I feel like im always on the verge of crying and I always feel like im about to have a panic attack. I dont know how im supposed to deal with it. I try to avoid thinking about him at all, but I cant even do that. I feel like I need a holiday. I need a few days in a hotel where I dont have anything to think about or worry about and just cry and figure out who I am without him. Its not fair. He can just go back home and hang out with his family and his friends. But I ave up my family for him. I knew that my family would freak out if I told them that I had sex with him. Or that I lived with him. Or that I dont believe in their God anymore because of him. But I gave up the security of my family for him, to be with him and he will never understand what I gave up. I gave up my beliefs, my body, my heart, and my comfort to be with him. I gave up everything. And now im alone with my cat, crying myself to sleep, on the few night s that I sleep at all. Im going to break soon and I dont know what that means for me when there isnt anybody to think of when I have the break down. I cant stand going to work everyday knowing that im going to come home to an empty bed again that night. I feel like running away and never coming back. I feel like hurting him. I feel like hurting myself. I feel like I want to scream and cry and I just dont know how to handle anything right now. I don think ive ever been depressed this bad in my entire life. I dont know what to do. Im drowning and I cant see the surface of the water anymore. I dont know what to do anymore.

3 MONTHS (MARCH)

Its been 3 months since you left. I still think about you and miss you. But I've come to terms. I think im becoming my own person. I realize how much I used you as a crutch. Im growing up. I'm embrasing myself. My geeky my cosplay my shows. Im not gonna take shit from anybody trhis time.Ive been through a lot of shit in my life. You know that. But I finally feel like ive come into my own. I go go to work every day, and hate every second but its my decision. I have a roommate. He keeps to himself. He seems nice. I dont worry about having him here. I've started dating again. I have a tinder. Ive been out with 3 people. I think that I might like one of them, but he's ignoring me. Im better then that tho. I know that im gonna find a guy who is head over heels for me and will do all the cheesy shit that I hate everyone else for. I have all of my posters up and I keep everytging pretty much clean. That was never something we were good at together. Im not in as dark of a place as I was 2 months ago. Im still depressed of course, that doesnt go away, but im not in that horrid black evil place where I just want to die any more. For the most part im happy. I spend too much time on my computer, and my phone waiting for texts that never come, but im also doing projects and just little things to keep me busy. I still dont go outside, but its still a bit cold. You know how much I hate being cold. I know that you come home from florida soon. I dont think that im going to try to see you. I saw your sisters the other day. It wasnt as weird as I thought it would be. I hugged both of them and asked about the family. Ive done pretty well advoiding contact with sylvia and pauline and bethany. I always used to run into them but im doing all my shopping at winco. I hope when you get back we dont end up there at the same times. Im listening to music again, and I dont hate y0u anymore.

8 MONTHS (AUGUST)

Its been 8 months and im happy. I have another cat now, her name is maggie. I see you from time to time and I dont feel anything when youre around. Im finally coming to terms with who I really am. Im a biromatic asexual female. Im dating a girl, but that isnt serious. I love my new job, that I got in june. I have a new roommate who I get along with fabulously. They are an agendered person and I adore them. They work at an all natural grocers and make me eat decent food. I still have my dark days, I always will, that was never about you, but im not cutting any more and my scars are faded. Of course, you never knew about that anyway. Im drinking more beer and less tequila and whiskey. Which I think is probably good, because of the lower alcohol content. Im wearing what makes me feel good and I dont really care what other people have to say about it. I feel like ive been through hell this year but im evolving and becoming a person that I can be proud of being. The year started with us breaking up, and my world was destoyed. Then, I did the tinder thing for awhile, needing the physical comfort, then, I got a roommate who I hated but was in desparate need of for the money, then I quit my full time managerial job at the bakery, for a part time position at a bank. Then my grandmother died, completely unexpectedly, and my roommate moved out. Then when I got back from my training classes in Vancouver we found out that our branch is closing. But I finally feel like this year is going to turn around. I have a good roommate, 2 cats, they are giving me 40 hours at the bank and I dont have toxic people in my life. Im building my own little broken family of queers and oddballs and I dont feel completely empty. Im finally realizing that I dont need anyone else to get by. I can survive whatever the Powers That Be throw at me. I AM ENOUGH.

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mystictruth123456-blog · 7 years ago

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Settling down in England Part 2: The "Revolution De Cuba"

In the previous post, I had been at a language exchange, which took place on a Thursday. It was Friday Now. After leaving my Afro fusion dance class, I met up with my Moroccan friend and a bunch of spanish people at the angel inn in Leeds, a pub with many floors and picnick tables in the back, in a alley for people to chat and get wasted. with us we had with we also had one italian guy and a Indian Guy. It was quite a lively crowd. There I found out my friend from Moracco was 44, he looked like he was 30 or maybe even 28. I hoped I would look that young and still be as easy going as him when I was in my 40's. I have been sober from alcohol for well over a year and a half now and being in a environment where everyone was drinking wasn't really a temptation to me but kinda just felt nasty. The utter desolation of drinking culture is very easy to recognize when your sober, yet everyone is just doing what their doing. In England they seem to get drunk to epic proportions and often very early . My theory it is due to the emotionally repressive, cynical, private culture. English people in general are often cold and standoffish to people they don't know and critical of those who express themselves to openly. So alcohol is a key and a excuse to break free from that repression. But like anywhere drunk people are the very similiar. Fighting, yelling curse words, or being the most friendly in the world for a night. Jonas and I left the angel Inn for the revolution of Cuba, a Cuban restaurant turn small club playing Latino Music on Fridays upstairs and usuelly American pop music downstairs. Walking down Brigitte street on our way there, it is the usuel, birds (women) dressed in almost see-through shirts, with their asses hanging out from shorts or miniskirts, lads (guys) in suits speaking with a thick yorkshire accent 'owz, et Gowen pal, ya ight'." To get into the revolution of cuba you had to wear fancy shoes like a lot of clubs in Leeds. Trainers were not allowed. I had tried before to get in the club by putting black socks over my shoes to make them look like fancy shoes, an idea I got from a Finnish girl. That last attempt had the bouncers laughing at me. I was glad this time I had the right attire, though last time was pretty funny I have to say. Once in the revolution of Cuba I quickly changed from my heavy fancy shoes into my light dancing shoes and began to do some freestyle salsa moves. It wasn't the same as my saturday nights at Casa columbiana where DJ Pipo from Cuban was on the decks. There it was very multicultural, warm, friendly and a bit smaller. There was often many south American and Spanish people at casa columbiana and at the revolution de cuba it was mostly english folks. When that reggaeton song came on it didn't feel the same with a bunch of English people, then it did with a bunch of Latinos, Spanish and other internationals. Jonas and I even saw some English girls we had met at the exchange we completly gave us the cold shoulder. This didn't stop me from trying to dance with the girls in there. It came time where I had to catch my bus and I ran up Brigitte st. To see my last 36 bus to Harrogate in all its glory 'leave.' I let out a giant "Nooo" like I was a character in some dramatic tv series. Almost in the same moment, I look to my left and see a drunk guy crying. I forget about my bus leaving and ask if he is All right. I bring him out of sight of people around the corner in this arcade with shops on either side. People may have thought I was trying to molest him while he was drunk. Whatever. He told me he was from southern England (I could tell from his accent) and that the reason he was crying was because the security guards at the club had thought he was doing drugs in the bathroom and kicked him out. He begin crying again saying "I wasnt. Though." all his coworkers were in the club and now he was alone outside. He said he was able to get home. We parted ways. I returned to the revolution of Cuba to find the spanish and internationals from the Angel inn there. I explained how my next bus was at 6am in the morning and that I would just stay up all night. So that's what I did. I begin attempting to dance with many of the English girls in there and was getting turned down so many times that I begin to think maybe I should stop. I even tried to dance with the showgirls at the door and got turned down. I wanted to go back upstairs but suddenly the showgirls who were wearing next to nothing begin dancing on the tables. It's in that moment I saw again the paradox of when you are willing to walk away, it all comes to you. It was like the spirit of revolution de cuba was seducing me to stay and it only made me dance harder. After being subjected to much desire, Jonas and I wandered upstairs danced a bit more, got a few nasty looks from people and left. I needed to get something to eat. We stopped at a kebab spot. I was short 20 p for my food. This wonderful english gentleman without asking helped me out and even bought me a extra veggie wrap and offered us a taxi. I saw it as karma for helping out the drunk crying lad earlier. I hung outside casa columbiana, eating my pizza, while Jonas went to withdraw money from an atm. It was Kazumba night at casa columbiana and out came a lot of black people speaking Portuguese. That through me off a bit. I have began to learn the world has become a lot more multi -cultural and not to assume based on someone's ethnicity that a black, Asian, white, Latino person etc.. is probably from a black, Asian, white or Latino country. I have met english Asians, Pakistani heritage but british nationality cab drivers from Bradford (very Pakistani and middle eastern city, basically connected to Leeds) who sound like they are from Pakistan but we're born and lived in yorkshire their whole life. (very Pakistani and middle eastern city, basically connected to Leeds.) I even met a white lady who worked at one of the Laundromats in Leeds from Zimbabwe. Assumptions make the world less interesting and the world is full of surprises. I asked one of the ladies and she said she was from Portugal but the rest could have been from a Portuguese speaking country like Angola, or Brazil or learned Portuguese along the way. Who knows. After finishing my pizza I had Jonas look up buses to Harrogate, it said the next one was soon near the Leeds bus station, so I ran down there to be a bit disappointed because no bus showed up. While asking people if they could look up when the next Harrogate bus was, I met a guy from Eritrea, a small African country next to Ethiopia, where they speak Arabic and their mother tongue is Tingrinya. He needed a taxi and his English was not the best so I tried my best to help him out. After many attempts I found him a taxi and went on my way. I had until six in the morning to kill time. So I set off back to city centre. Drunk people littered the streets. It was about 4am at this point. Some clubs not finishing until 6am. It looked like the aftermath of a battle. Slumped drunk folks on benches and friends hauling their mates between them, who had become too intoxicated to walk. I wanted nothing to do with it, I was starting to hate people. I don't like hating people. Love feels better. I I was walking on the upper part of Brigitte street, near casa columbiana and I found a pair of fancy at least £30 shoes. These taxi drivers said these guys were fighting and left them behind and weren't coming back for them. The shoes fit so I took them. Yet it didn't feel right, I already had a pair of fancy shoes so I put them back and the taxi driver said he would take them. I saw it was karma for helping the dude out from Eritrea out earlier with the taxis. There was the second clear example of karma for me that night. I felt blessed. I besides all that, I had to get out of the madness so I took a walk to Kirstall road, that Leads near to where I use to live in Burley. I ended up just napping behind a bush, thinking to myself I'm too old to be missing my bus like this. I also thought about How I'm good. I've been on many adventures, faced many challenges in life and I'm still ok. I got to Burley Park and stopped off in the little wooded area in the park there. I just chilled in there for a bit. I saw a bunch of foxes on the field outside of the trees. After chilling for a bit I decided to keep walking. I walked past my old house, a small party going on next door, this time it didn't bother me this time. Nobody was at home at my old casa. I kept walking through headingley, the more student area of town. It was an assortment of red brick, a bit run down houses that all looked the same, with quite a bit of trash on the ground from the students. Even 6am in the morning there was students hanging around. It is a very lively place. What I didn't like was a seeming army of students coming out of a party yelling at the top of their lungs like everybody in the neighborhood wanted to hear that. All I can say is alcohol is a terrible drug. I got back to the bustop for Harrogate at 9am in the morning. It seemed like a lot of people were taking the bus to work in Harrogate. It was lights out. I was really hating leeds and everyone at this point. There was a lady singing a song off key on her headphones and pigeons flying around. The whole bus ride back, I was pissed off at people. When I got off the bus nothing had changed. I saw a dude wearing spandex pants that made him look like he was from outer space, with stars and nebulas on them. Because I hadn't slept all night he sounded American. I was also thinking "who else would wear pants like that in Harrogate?" I asked him if he was american and he said "no, I'm not" almost with disdain, his italian looking friend began cracking up. Upon arriving in my apartment I continued thinking about how people have mixed opinion about America. I had met people who wished they were from America, people who were neutral and like one english girl who when I told her I was American said "that's shit" and walked away, yet most people were very intrigued I was from there. There was one funny case where I was in a bar called Brotherhood in Leeds on a Saturday night with the Italian dude and some of the others that I had met at the angel Inn, where we came across a Saudi Arabian guy with a very strong opinion about America. He was friends with some other people in the group and as I came around the corner he was yelling "fuck America, fuck America" I thought it was more funny then anything. The Italian dude with me just kept cracking up and said "I have to tell him, I have to tell him" I begged him no. He asked the Saudi guy to guess where I was from. The dude couldn't place me, from South America to Canada and back down to South America again. Finally we helped him realize it was America. All he said was something like. "You guys are cool" and he patted his fist to his chest as a sign of respect. I told him I heard him say what he said about America and he said honestly that America helped ruin the middle east with England, that his people were dying so it was his duty to talk about these things. I had respect for that and agreed the American government in general was a giant pain in the ass. Another drunk english guy in our group said he loved America and would fight for America. It seems America is a perfect example of duality. So anyway after thinking about this and making a short video about how girls wear too much makeup in england, I went to sleep. What a day.

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in-paradox-space · 7 years ago

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i didnt really spell or read through this

i just typed what i was thinking

and maybe ill read it again in a few years

you dont have to.

you wont really get anything out of it

so this is my blog and i just wanted to post this somewhere

i met a girl last night

and I quite like her

i feel an infatuation for her, even now

she left at 8am, i didnt hug her before she left i mumbled a goodbye

it was pretty shallow

its been 15 hours since then.

its sad to think ill eventually move on.

i dont know why, i didnt expect I would, but i do really like her

and these are really basic feelings

a scenario everybody is in

i feel like i should acknowledge this should be embarrassing for me

to feel such basic mainstream feelings

but why should that be embarrassing

am I above anybody else who feels basic feelings for situations we all end up in?

these feelings have been let out countless times, every single day, by countless masses

why should I bother to say the same things as everybody else in slightly different words?

I can’t stop thinking about her

I think she already has somebody

I don’t think she’s into me

far from it

she did some coce but I dont really touch it

I feel like if I do it once the seal will be broken

and I’ll end up throwing my money away and buying coce for everybody to share

I don’t even feel like it should be spelled that way. ‘Coke’ feels more natural.

I’d really like it if she liked me.

but I’ve felt that way about girls before

when I realize they do like me, I kind of back off and avoid them

this is probably the best relationship we will ever have

me seeing her maybe once every now and then whenever I destroy my brain cells with friends

just affectionately toying with the idea of me and her getting along

when im high with my friends, I can tell them all I love them and hug them

and its cool

thats just what we all do, and we know its because were really high

but I couldnt do that with her

although I did only just meet her that night

I was very self aware around her

it would be nice if she didnt already have a boyfriend

and idk

its not like i would want a relationship though

I know i would feel trapped within days

so why do I believe I want that before I get stuck into it?

shes depressed man

that will get annoying to me after a while

and she talks a lot

when the pedestal gets lower

I will eventually be less and less interested in what she has to say

she will get clingy

and need more and more love

I will have less and less to give

this is really fucking shallow

it will ultimately be bad

this is currently the best it will ever be

feeling affection from afar

unable to clear my mind of her

just hoping to be around her more

it feels much more warm and hopeful to want to be with her

if she expressed any interest in me, I’d lose my interest in her.

why is that?

Do I think of her as prey?

she shows flaws, but

I want to say i dont see them as flaws

but what if I do

im overthinking it too much

I told her to do some more ecstasy

she didnt do much

she didnt want to and she was already doing coke

my other friend was doing everything, but hes just a machine

some organic mechanism which filters lethal drugs into nourishment

he never drinks water and eats maybe 4 slices of toast a day

i dont know how he does it but his skin is always glowing and he looks great

his health is pretty bad but hes been living this way for maybe 2 years

hes achieved unhuman things.

he also fucked her once

which may or may not have been in the air

and i think she didnt want to do any more ecstasy because she didnt want to be vulnerable

and i think a part of me wanted her to be more susceptible

it isnt really something I wanted to admit

I know that its really really easy to find this blog

not for friends and family

but it is generally easy to find it, and anybody can find it

but im not going to branch off into that

this is just where I try to be honest

and admit the things people would otherwise try not to admit to themselves

i cant remember how to describe it

but im working my way on a path to detach myself from my ego

i dont know if detatch or dissociate is the right word

im aware why i should still have an ego

but i just dont want my ego to take over who i am

i feel, if i have more control over my ego, i wont be as held back by self awareness and fear associated with my sense of self

this way there will be less things holding me back

because I look deep down at the source of a lot of my problems

and fear(or anxiety, which comes under fear anyway) is one of the sources of most or all of them

i dont have examples to mind right now

but being honest has generally helped me in many ways

now im trying to be more honest

to myself and to others, about myself

my true intentions for doing things

looking deep within and questioning if im really being honest with myself

how i truly feel

because really, ive realized, im trying to prove things even to myself

on a level of thought

its nice

different points in time are connected with different points in time and the spaces i was in in that time

and other components of the universe which are connected to those times

i dont know what those components are

subatomic thought and vibrations type shit

i should also point out i dont erase the things I type, as I type them

I just leave them there.

for authenticity or something along those lines

for the whole ego thing

and I feel a little better after letting this out here

because i no longer feel like im avoiding the thoughts of her

and ive said these things somewhere

so when im dead and gone, it will always be possible for humanity to know I thought these thoughts at some point

why is that comforting?

I will be fine if we dont get together

i do hope there will be less awkward tension though

my friends, who invited her over, made it out like she was trying to get us together

and that made me sort of nervous

and then i think somewhere along the way, she didnt want that

and why would she? she has no idea who i am

and idk man, shits awkward

they told her i said she was cute, when they was inviting her

but like, I never saw her until i met her

so that was a lie

and i think that just added to the tension

and i think they suggested we hookup as a one night stand

and i think we was both really uncomfortable with that idea

and worrying about if the other person wanted that or really didnt want that

fuckin

it is awkward

but i dont really mind right now

as she came down from the coke

we lay in bed at 7am

very sleepily talking about anything

we watched a show

its very irrational, i think it stems from paranoia but im not going to mention the specific shows and shit

it also doesnt feel irrational in my head

its not worth questioning anymore

i was slowly starting to hear the pleasant voices and feel the regret accompanied with ecstasy comedowns

we spoke about music

jazz

i dont know a fucking thing about jazz but i do like it

because i know how much it influences other genres

the same way hiphop and rock influence other genres

and i like how its less about the specific timings and keys

more about feeling as you play

it could be an illusion but i think you can feel that in a lot of similar music

and she was edging towards doing another key

but she had to be sober for something later that day

its still unbelievable people spend that much on coke

is it worth it?

its hard to tell

it lasted quite long considering there was 3 using it and how much they spent

but if they did it regularly it probably wouldnt have been so great

and she seemed to feel worse and worse

more, just unhappy as the morning went on

and there was some awkwardness between us

but it still felt nice to be around her

and again

this is really fucking shallow

it would be nice if they didnt try to set us up with each other

i think we couldve chilled with less tension

and MD makes me very paranoid

whenever im in another room i feel like theyre saying my name when theyre talking to each other

and its unlikely they are

but what if they

theres always that chance

i think it will be nice to see her again, but start the night at the same time

without being fuckfaced

and know each other as friends

and just be able to hang out

and yeah, whether i do or dont lose interest

both ways will work out fine if we can get along

because she was pretty chill

and when im high, or coming down and irritable

i think ill happily listen to her talk for hours and hours

we can play more games together

i can see how everything goes with her

maybe we will talk about this one night

and finally know what we was both thinking

i do care what she was thinking

i dont know if she was interested in what i was thinking

she did have some flaws

so does everyone

those flaws would eventually make me unhappy in a relationship

id eventually be unhappy in a relationship with anybody

but maybe when were high we can do some regretful shit

if she did have a boyfriend

i think i heard she did at one point but it wasnt really confirmed

i hope that shit goes well

theyre probably more suited for each other

and i dont know what this is

or why at all im interested in her

i just never never ever ever am around girls now that i think about it

the last time I was around a girl was stupidly long ago

I dont even think it was 2017

and that day i didnt spend the whole day alone with her

ive basically been with guys this whole time

or just nobody

ive spent stupidly long amounts of times just alone, or with my dad

because i moved to the middle of nowhere for a while

i was only with my dad and his thot gf

i genuinely dont remember the last time i spent a day alone with a female

wow

I guess there was one girl

i dont remember if it was 2015 or 16

she was ginger

and she was into gingers

and we did rly like each other

i made myself pathetic around her

almost to suggest thats a desirable trait

and the moment we eventually kissed

it was awkward

and was not enjoyable

and we both lost interest in each other at that point

i think it was late 2015, i remember it being cold

but i was with blake late 2015

so it mustve been early 2015

wow

ive been around girls after then

but it was just with other friends

and i have wanted to fuck them

but ive not really felt like this

i didnt want to fuck

i just wanted to stare at her tattoos

and her hair

and talk

and i just hope to spend another day with her

even if i dont

it doesnt matter

the world will keep spinning

i will keep living

until i die

and she will be happy with her boyfriend or she will find someone else

and do something else

and eventually die

and humanity will eventually die

and the world will keep spinning

until something big enough to stop it from spinning crosses paths with it

and the universe will eventually entropy into a complete balance

and everything that was done would have been done

and it will be final

its really shallow

but i like thinking about her anyway

and i like this feeling

and its like i dont want to stop typing this

because then im choosing not to feel like this

and i might miss a detail

and i will eventually forget that detail

and i want to read this back in years and remember everything

i hope she is doing okay in those years to come

and it will be nice if we still get along in those years to come

and if we are both healthy

and doing well

it would be nice

and again, its really fucking shallow.

but i am human

i am designed this way

and its nice to think about her

and knowing there is a good chance i will see her again

and be able to play games with her again

and get high with her again

and listen to her music again

it gives me something to look forward to

and im gonna leave you with that

#personal #long text post #relationships #i did some heavy drugs last night and im kind of fucked #i guess thats my drugs tag now

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