mystictruth123456-blog

[mystictruth123456-blog]

Blog Ideas, Accomplishments

Blog Ideas Which countries speak spanish and why Link to anki post Have people follow Spanish Common Phrases Phonetics Hello/Hi How are you Fine, thanks Whats your name? my name is nice to meet you Where are you from Where do you live I live in How long have you lived in/there I have lived here for (link to numbers) Im from (list of nationalities or a link) What do you do I work for Student Retired Do you like Goodbye See you later Can you repeat that Can you write it down How old are you? Can you write it down I have (you can write it down) Verbs Link to Anki post and download link Memorization technique Can do Spanish series. Numbers etc.. based off list LAccomplishments ived for a year on a boat at age 16 to 17 across the country Lived for three months in new york off savings Lived in Berkeley for the summer Lived on chico st. Off savings and made rent through sitar and tarot readings Lived in otley for six months was there for mum lived in leeds for a month lived in harrogage for six months in a studio and pay for all expenses outside the home with a will Volunteer Volunteered at omega in kitchen, Av, Campus support, operations, at camp kokonia leadership position for a cabin of young boys for a week, at barrios unidos, homeless garden project, refugee, one day camphill, conversation club, on the streets doing charity of food and clothes for the homeless, a project I iniated, with curtis organizing clothing to be delivered to native american reservations, was manager of a crew of people for a week in clearing, organzing and cleaning out my mums house Language Skills 9 years of Elementary and Middle school French, reading and a little conversation ability 9 years of Elememtary and Middle School German Grammer English Fluency Spanish Conversation skills Beginners Italian Conversation skills and reading Beginners Arabic Beginners 1 Dutch grammer and phrases Beginners Portugese grammer, comphension and phrases Helped teach two tarot classes, helped teach two astrology classes, did a lecture on astrology at UCSC, taught three classes on my own Led people on a shamanic journey Did Tarot on the street for a year and a few months at the age of 20 on Pacific Avenue santa cruz, Westcliff santa cruz, Earth day festival santa cruz, Hardly strictly san francisco, Valencia st. Sf, Haight st. Sf, Telegraph av. Berkeley, for many people and all walks of life Ran an astrology business as well and gave readings on relationships, transits and career Set up my own website and edited it, ran advertizing, collected payments online, worked for a company that gave readings, set up a very liked facebook fan page and astrology facebook group For about six months did Astrology talks on Portlands college Radio and for about three months at kZsc ucsc's college radio I made a youtube astrology video channel and made some of my own videos through learning video editing Made an ep Made a mixtape and other singles Have written countless songs Performed on stage at the art of space many times, at house parties, at open mics, was the feature for open mic at the tannery, Freestyled on stage, with cipher sessions, have got in many street ciphers and ciphers in various locations over the years, freestyled for money before, for judo no, with Aj with mic in the street Done Hundreds of open mic poetry, even cried on the mic made public announcements Language Learning Speaking Daily Language Missions Language is for communication. Sound like tarzan. Create phrases around my interests Go live in that country Listening enchufetv ExpCaseros YosStoP Watch with pen and paper Things passionate about Get more vocab and go back to audio Reading/writing Read about things im passionate about, to boost vocab Write in spanish translate media to english/spanish http://www.transparent.com/italian/ http://italian.about.com Study Know a lot of common verbs Memory Word association Only use words you use Work in chunks of time Focus on skills; reading, writing etc.. Question doubts. Meditate and study Learn lots of phrases Rewrite vocab every two weeks and realize you know it https://fluent-forever.com/the-method/vocabulary/base-vocabulary-list/ The apple is red. It is John’s apple. I give John the apple. We give him the apple. He gives it to John. She gives it to him I must give it to him. I want to give it to her. I need/want/must/should Fluent you7 Tim Ferriss Soldi money Clarita clarity Barca boat (Transformation list) (2 to 3 times/daily) Wake early 10am, go to bed early weekdays 12:30am Daily Activities mantra every day Eat regular, balanced meals, plenty of water Nature Some language practice (Weekly) 3.Daily Activities 9. Buddist meditation 10. Nature walk +Charity 11.Find Dance Venue with clean energy 12.Different place to go each week 13. Chakra cleanse. Journey (Two week/month ) 1. Search accredited schools to teach astrology 3. Find a blog that I can organize my blogs, into different sections Edit and organize (maybe two seperate Blogs) Year Let Go Of 1.My volatile feelings in the beginning of the day (Write Poetry) 2. 3. Hesitation in making anyone form of commitment to an individual 4. The tendency to isolate oneself Excitement List Top Call a friend, family Call samaritons Meeting new people Definition Hunting Astrology Shamanic Journeys Poetry Drawing Dancing Spanish freestyle rapping Writing Blogs Simple year goals Leeds theosophical society Elliott dj Tim's friend *Friends and Family Chat to cheyenne, dad, Ewa, Dot Spiritual Metaphysical Psychology Astrology outloud Interpretations, Reading charts for focalizers, reading sample charts for people, written astrology interpretations, Reading Inner Sky, Reading Moutain Astrologer, teach astrology Ms Materials, shaman videos, Journeys, Shamanic healing and leading people on journeys, Juice fasts. Listening and singing icaros. Talk to Bill, philosophizing the universe and the mind Tarot, Medicine card readings, Crystal programming, spiritualist church channeled writing, dream interpretation, facebook fan page, counseling Video: watch bashar videos, go over notes, teele swan, ram das talks, eckart, hamilton, friday support group (ace of cups) Books: mirror of the soul, be here now, miracle of love, *Culture and short trips Knaresborough, manchester, Liverpool, york, valley gardens, neighboring woods, -Language exchanges, meeting international people, Liverpool, Manchester, practicing conversation skills, other restaurants, learn about other countries Languages Learning Italian, Spanish, even french, Watch movies in Italian, Spanish french, language, individual meetup, ankidroid, watch language learning videos, videos practicing conversation skills, harrogate language course, french language exchange, foreign movies *Adventure and Exploration Going on adventures with people, go to different restaurents and cafes, ride bike, bookstore, trinity kitchen, being completly silly in the street with friends, showing someone around places that are unfamiliar to them that I like, sharing with someone some of my talents, gifts, abilities Volunteer and Work, Class Canopy, practical skills, refugees, teach english, motivate people, advice, creativity, charity for homeless, help with languages, harrogate college, see whose hiring online *Creativity Drawing and listening to music, writing adventure blogs, writing jokes, editing blogs, spiritiual blogs, writing blogs about my past, reading my blogs, writing facebook posts, poetry, journelings, listening to music cds on tv, dancing, dance studio Leeds, looking through old photos, casa columbiana, Elliott dj Tim's friend Relationships Doing my best Language learning Study Experimentation of Learning techniques Ideas about groups I could start Learning through Action and Experience Schedule Rapping Blogs Astro Vocab revision International online business bit by bit Community Charity Idea Language challenge Poetry Mum, I dont know who they think I am I dont know who they think i am it seems that even when I show them they still dont understand I sit in front of a christmas tree suddenly remembering the last time I spoke to you here in the grand arcade there is piano music in the background as my life takes a movie like quality I watch as im torn between so many choices Pushing all the feelings down They dont know what motivates my character Why I capture people with my charisma What fuels my uninhibited self expression Why I dive in where angels fear to tread Why I laugh at my humaness You have a very good idea of my soul and seems like one of the only accurate opinions that matter most people shoot assumptions like bullets and play pretend until the last grain of sand runs out of the hour glass and its too late to change You seemed too with a look dispel all my demons and worries They may wonder why my edgyness slices through mediocracy in all directioms And my honesty starts revolutions When you spoke to me you always saw the child within me that didnt come here to live a life of restriction, fear and unkindness you saw edgness as my shield, my honesty as my wanting to live from the heart My inhibited self expression as the aftermath of the despair I felt alone and ashamed of my feelings You knew how life had chiseled me like a rock, then broke me into millions of grains of sand, washed me across the seas to foreign beaches You saw my innocent heart trust so deeply and break like an earthquake rendering the land Leaving the city fragmented and seemingly unrepairable You also watched as I climbed out of the deepest tunnels, caved in from the pressure, to arise into the light of day, transformed and unstopable. Im sorry that I put you through any pain to see me go through this Im sorry that I didnt always appreciate you as much as I could have I speak to you through poems knowing your watching me as the world goes on around me i know you would want me to be proud of myself no matter what you thought, or the world What the world needs is your type of authenticity Let me live in your memory the same way In my own versian As my heart does circles around the love you taught me, that some may not understand, that for me will never go away... I feel like shit, i woke up turned on by a girl that I secretly despised, she said she sent the wrong gif saying she wanted to bang me but i dont think it was an accident at all I woke up late, its friday and not long before the sunset, Im still cooking food and wondering how ill ever achieve my goals in life if I keep waking up so late I dreamt of my mum last night and woke up to the reality that she can only visit me in my dreams I think i am wasting my day I remember years going around in circles, thinking i was worthless The echos chase me, like lightening strikes in a cave My mind becomes fixated on the future to fill this void of inedequacy It still pisses me off how i seem to figure it all out before i go to bed at night I spend days locked in my room Maybe too comfortable letting dullness sink in Afraid of my anger and insecurities to spread out into the world Worried if people are thinking im making the right choices for my life My selfishness growing These pits build my strength I climb out quicker when my purpose is taller then these chasms if this was my last day So be it Theres always something else to want always I want to write and write I let these cravings and obessions take hold things that come and go the eagle flying above watching it all I could go dance at the club, looking for excitement, validation possibly, connection I could call her and if all goes well have sex Wake up in the morning like it never happened and wonder if it did my heart justice or not There is choices all around What do I want to do Hop on that train to London Or get off halfway in Leeds like I did a few weeks ago In my apartment. Fancy. All to myself. In a rich town. All my basic needs met.Gratitude then emptiness. A list of goals in a green notebook, a mission so strong. Yet theres secrets. Many secrets, many don't understand. Many secrets that sap my energy. I never want to stop and feel it. That wouldnt be produductive I tell myself. Many years, feeling ashamed. Many times un_employees, shellshocked from life experiences, confidence crushed and a world so unfeeling that one becomes good at hiding their emotions. This one really humbles oneself. To go to such heights and fall back into the past so simply. To days feeling stuck in the house, putting oneself down in all the wayz one good. Your not good enough, your not grown up enough. Everybody else is way ahead of you, it will always be like this, Im going in circles, What am I doing, what am i doing, i cant seem to make this stop. This house is boring. This town is boring. Blame. Blame. Here we go again tommorow Then theres the breakthrough Yet It usuelly comes back to this place over time. One can become so comfortable with something. Yet it doesnt have to be like this. I dont have to feel so worthless, I dont have to live my life as lost as I did before, I have direction now I have purpose Sometimes it takes day after day of telling yourself this Patterns take time to break And the pull to return back to the old ways are as strong as an addicts pull to their addiction of choice. in those spaces, it can feel like why would I surrender to such an eternity of despair. Such a never ending realm. Where happiness is glimpsed, then in the morning the apathy and confusion seeps in slowly. to live a double life. A life of adventure and passion, then a feeling that I am the lowest being on the planet. One wants to escape. And I often have. Yet the Here and Now is a ruthless space and never lets me Get far without realizing this truth. I can achieve, I can climb moutains, yet I cant hide from the self I cant hide from the fact that I just wrote this line to cover up the fact that I couldnt just start writing more about my feelings without feeling guilty. Like to continue on with a poem like this, would be like whining and complaining I can hear someone thinking "just get on with it" And I have been, yet it really depends how you get on with it. And pretending like these feelings dont exist only brings me back to the same place. Its never going to change, says a voice in my head. give me proof it says. You know it will just be like this tommorow. This is who you are. To be honest I kinda believe it. Yet I dont want too. I want to be free. I dont want this sinking feeling in my chest that im a lost soul. That no one cares, that I cant share these feelings without being ridicouled. I want to be ok with who I am. I want to know that this is just a story. Fleeting emotions, I want to know that I can overcome all these challenges, that writing these poems are not a waste of time, that I will be able to wake up with purpose and passion That my mornings won't feel like waiting for a dreaded train to arrive at the station, an affirmation of my unworthiness I want to stand tall and accept it as it comes. Surrender. To know their will be always be a light at the end of the tunnel. I wake in the morning. Late. I feel like shit about myself for the first hour. I see my mind going through the motions, yet I stand hypnotized by the mesmerizing stare of the past, like a giant blackhole, except this one steals all the goodness thave had accumulated the previous day, like a greedy pirate on the high sea's I remain calm, yet at some point the slaughterhouse of feelings, overflows onto the deck of my ship, the ship keeps sailing, my mind worrying if all is lost, will I ever make it land. I think of calling for help on the ships radio but I tell myself "there will be times when no one can help you" and I just maintain. Yet there always comes a point where it is too overwhelming and I have to stop Aknowledge that this is actuelly going on within me and slow down. Stopping makes the ego go wild. The death and the rebirth about to take place voluntaringly. All masks shed. No longer can I put on a face of toughness. The toughness comes from falling apart, loving oneself with compassion and moving through the fire until a new being emerges. now that is strength. To let go of who you think you are, the tsnumani of emotion crashing down upon you, your body aching from the tension experiencing it all Watching it all, not denying anything Letting the universe witness your true being, stripped of any crutch, of any veil to hide behind, raw, clear as day taking responsibility for your life There are many kinds of strength And some forms of it are not respected enough it takes great strength too and wisdom to find that respect within yourself While most of the world is telling you to find it outside yourself Finding it within yourself and your free and you no longer act for anyone elses applause but your own. Its so simple Yet our journey to understand these things are our own unfolding process. making the wrong decision So much fear Like if I was to die making a mistake That my whole life was a waste we as humans judge ourselves so harshly There are no mistakes Life is a giant school A challenging one at that if we travel enough roads We will know where to go And where not too But how would you know where to go If you didnt know where not to go Or ar least this is what I believe at the moment take a risk Have a leap of faith Adventure is in every direction There is no place to fail There is nothing to lose Its all going to go anyway Here we are Just this moment How rich do we want it to be Its all within our grasp its time to believe Its time to let go And know That we dont have to know it all Thats the exciting part at a crossroads, that dreaded place Doubt, confusion if I dont do what I have to do I will never achieve my goals Yet it doesnt feel good Sometimes I cant just let myself be happy I push myself so hard And fear failure Is there ever a point that i'll be good enough And when will enough be enough To just let go and just trust Takes bravery and faith in ones principles life is not always a straight line but a winding maze of adventure Do we always need to be doing something Can staring out the window at the lovely countryside be enough What to do, what to do meetings I show up for Meeting people individually I tend to shy away from Making future plans to study, I usuelly dont execute Making plans for myself I become anxious if I dont perform well I get annoyed because there is always another challenge in the way of my optimal ideal self I place such heavy demands on myself And handle so much pressure alone I dont turn left because Im afraid of the left I dont turn right because I'm afraid of the right I dont turn left because I'm afraid of the left The past never ceases to come for me when I just want to be happy I dont want to fail this life Not to achieve the things I set out to achieve To go through lifetimes lost and confused Yet I never give up and oftentimes plans change and we must flow with the direction of the river Nobody said this journey would be easy Nobody said it had to be hard either I just want to cry without the ridicule I just want to fail without the failure I just want to be ok with this darkness within myself This compulsive force that grips me Like my dream with the lighsaber, I want to face myself I was luke skywalker and he was darth vader I knew that I had what it took to be a Jedi To take on darth vader I held my green lighsaber He held his red one As the sabers met I thought how this was dangerous how I could die Yet I was doing it I am luke skywalker Do I really have what it takes for this duel? Vader laughs as if he can sense my fear and doubt Thats all he has got and thats all it takes He then shifts into the emperor and my lightsaber is switched off I run but realize they are closing off all the escape routes I'm hiding in the bathroom, yet soon enough my privacy is gone and they can see me They dont look surprised I pray to all the spirits and Great Saint Maharaji for the a way out Yet still I have doubt I am able to run past them And there is a forest They let me escape into the Forest, if I dare The soil is colorful, the forest has blue foliage and many colors, the soil Has nutrients Katya chases me, she is with them Telling me to come back We get up the hill then I want to have sex with her To surrender and love my darkside She wants to keep me there With her Yet I want to go to the peace of the woods There is always a way out Yet she will catch up with me And I will learn to love what I am afraid of Darth vader never wanted to be the one that everybody feared originally He just never wanted to let his guard down and had to create a way to keep anybody from taking advantage of him again So he learned to rule through intimidation Luke doubted himself His strength yet never the less followed where the force led him He trained And push himself to his limits he fought many battles Had many adventures Fallen in love discovered his magic powers discovered distant galaxies Experienced, loss, defeat and shame Yet here he was facing his greatest fears He was taking on darth vader Yet still he couldnt believe he had the power to be what he envisioned And didnt think he was worthy of the role The force called him for stuck in a past description of self he didnt want to let go of what people had given to him and he believed And vader knew this And saw it as a weakness Yet it was both of their karmas to have that duel Because Luke would have never known this about himself in such a direct way without Vader reflecting his fears Each sword blow struck the reality of what he was facing into his mind That if that sword should strike him and he lost the duel He would die Who he thought he was would die He could fall down, wounded unable to keep his mission going Uncertain of whether he could keep on going Then his defense was gone His fears were stronger then his Will And his lighsaber went off Its as if Vader was waiting for this move the whole time Run but nowhere to hide You have to face yourself sometime Hide in the bathroom No privacy Fear will find you anywhere Yet there are always benevolent forces Sometimes its not your battle to fight that day Yet we always learn from our mistakes and learn we will They leave the woods open, as if to taunt you with some peace to only catch you again in your ecstacy then there comes katya to pull you back in Come back to the darkside Return You can't leave You have to face this You cant leave you have to face this She works for vader as a middle women of truth If one is meant to die, she is the bringer of death And she caught me and then I felt a desire A sexuel desire A passion for this women Who was able to catch me And now it was time to enjoy her To enjoy and surrender to the passion The passions of my life the passions that transforms and go past fears to the present moment To love to the fact that we are never really in control She looks at me I like her energy Its open She is from colombia I can tell she wants something I doubt myself Yet to get closer I fear To kiss To touch To be open To let her see the side of me that is not so confident Im afraid So I run away from what I want Getting caught in the trap of purity Yet my heart remains pure And I can go home feeling ok Yet I would like to know What could be Yet I hide I hide so nobody gets to find out And I keep going Towards a future that doesnt exist Never content with what is opportunties come and go Women come and go Yet I stay here Going to Bed dreading the week reminded of other weeks on repeat in life where I felt no God was there for me I have often felt God was not there for me that life was against me That no amount of positive actions would ever balance out the pain I have felt I have learned to make plans To prepare for the unknown Seeing the future as a war The echoes of the past still dropping bombs on me people looking at me perplexed I myself often confused to what is going on with me And wondering if anybody could ever love something so broken I see faces and places I see my innocence snapped in two And thrown into a raging river I see my attempts to love and get close And then I see confusion, pain, rejection, guilt Seperation Agony Feeling like I'm the last man on earth walking around the streets no one smiling or saying hi Asking for help and getting ignored Or invalidated I feel a craving for what was Regret for what I left behind Left with loose ends Not sure where it begins or ends Attracting people like a magnet Yet afraid I will hurt everybody by letting them go Disloyalty as my middle name Because fear and shame dominates my brain And how to explain all this I write poetry Otherwise I would stare and the words wouldnt come out Yet I'm told now that its not my will but Gods will That divinity has its plans for me And that everything is for a reason I'm told to let go and see what happens, that excitement and passion are my navigation devices That how things happen is not up to me I feel darkness dissipating Old descriptions of self revealed for their futility People becoming a lot clearer An Irish man gave me the Bhagava gita and suddenly life started to make sense i think Surrender? Yet what of all the goals I envisioned for myself My master destiny The man who is the best at everything he does The problem is I want it all now And I want it to happen a certain way I fear if I surrender that those dreams will never come to pass Im 26 years old and watch the passage of time I forget all the things I have already accomplished That the journey never ends You never arrive There is no rushing enlightenment There is no rushing the process of unfolding I often look back at my unfolding process and invalidate it Because I am better now I say then I was then Yet there lead to now Lead to this poem It had to happen that way And I had plenty happy days and plenty sad days And many days that were a mix of these things And my past self would not appreciate the judments my present self is making Because my past self was perfect and beautiful and facing challenges as I am now My life has been a brave one An adventure It is what it is and is enough Where did I buy into this fixed form of success? And these definations that plague my mind with anxiety and confusion When Did I sacrifice happiness for ambition? What is fulfillment? These are all questions that have come to pass to be meditated on Success I imagine myself as the master astrologer, shaman I imagine this happening over night And get frustrated at my shortcomings I forget that God does everything Am I ever really doing anything? My ego loves to feel that it is in charge What am I ever doing? am I not living out my astrology? Isnt my path already an all inclusive act of shamanism? Hasnt the transformation been taking place for a while now Arent I already making life more a wonder then I could have imagined? Leaped tremendous obstacles Faced seemingly impossible odds? Went through the fire and came out stronger and brighter than ever? such an insistance and how things have to look like Such an insistance on a static route to success Yet what is success? What is carear? What is time? What are standards and judments? Is there really any reality? What if I never achieved these goals or these idealizations in my head? What then? Would I be worthy of love still? Would I have to hang my head in shame Would god love me any less? Have I not been learning? Does God want all my energy to go into astrology What is service? What is the purpose of life? Do my fears ever bring me lasting satisfaction Do my compulsations ever bring me lasting satisfaction? Part of me fears judment Fears that I am not enough without some over arching carear success and goals Fear that my mystical journey will not afford respect to many Yet only I can give myself respect And only I can be satisfied with my efforts The journey maybe windy I will go where I need to go in order to be who I am supposed to be what more could I want? the snake writhes around It doesnt want to die My mind afraid that ill always be a nervous wreck My thoughts telling me Ill never be able to completly let my guard down it will hurt too much Bit by bit Moment by moment day by day people tell me These compulsions will grip me forever What is reality? it always gets worse before it gets better? or is this just another agreement I have made? This way and that way, not sure which route to take Time on my hands Floating this way and that The message was to do what you want But I cant even figure out what that is almost everything feels wrong I dont want to spiral around this moment, yet frozen to action This is not how its suppose to be Im suppose to be perfect! Well I am perfect I cant fail I can do wha÷t I want Everything has a consequence Yet I can do what I want The story seems to stop in this stuck place I wish their was someone to catch me Yet it seems that they are far away Sunday, monday, tuesday The beginning of the day alone Confused of whether to go right or left Left or right Up or down Afraid to reach out and ask for assistance That means I would have to let people in to the inner workings of my life And hopefully the negative beliefs I have won't be true they cant be I was made by God Perfectly worthy God doesnt make mistakes So as my ego falls into that place of "this shouldnt be happening That I am doing bad at life That No practicioner of shamanismz should feel this way or experience this I feel the ghost of my past actions catching up with me But I can change this time I just have to trust in the simplicity of life In nothing without a reason that there is only here and now And not to feel guilty for thinking certain thoughts Its all in my mind All the problems are in my mind Its when I am am able to ride these downward spirals my metal is tested and where the greatest transformation takes place When they are brought to light The shame is discarded Maybe I do live at my uncles apartments I dont have a job can these outward things ever completly define me? Or am I an intricate multi faceted diamond There is no way to say that im not a man, or that im not mature I handle my busines when its necesary I work full time for God and that is a very serious commitment No part time. Or half time I've done all that before Now im here Trusting the current Doing what feels right And its frightening I have to feel it all Yet I get through it And come out the otherside She kisses me I have a boyfriend she told me 25 minutes earlier I tell her i like her I wish she would have told me she had a boyfriend before She seems to believe her own delusions I try not to get jealous I realize that I took a part in her tango Refusing to get close So afraid of closeness Keeping everyone at a distance And for good reasons as well she says she needed security not just one time events Like i put on display I poured my heart out That I liked her But I couldnt get close My past like a veterans war tales I felt my heart grow cold as she told me these things My compassion fall away Remembering how many times I didnt want to let these relationships to get deeper Keeping them at a distance Or so they couldnt work out So I would never have to reveal my pain She looked at me with such innocence I knew this moment would happen I convinced to kiss me though she had a boyfriend How can I trust a romance with someone like that a romance that never took place She was my imaginary girl that I never really wanted just pretended I did And her boyfriend could be a nice guy I just had a i dont give a fuck moment impulsive Yet knowing what i was doing now things change and I miss what I never went for Just a good lesson for next time I often think that I wont find another That my confidence will wane Yet if I write these poems Everything will be ok I think i wont find another connection like this I pretend that i dont want closeness I pretend like my hiding wont be revealed in time my not wanting to know will be halted in its tracks I see her and I thank her for what she has taught me Thinking my reserve and secrecy will block me from finding others That when I get what I want will i just get rid of it anyway Will I fall in cycles of self loathing And telling myself im not good enough Will i feel alone Yet i will be able to handle it I know this I just need to dive deep And like bashar said Whatever negative belief i find will not be true anyway My mother dies And no action feels sound enough No ambition seems to make up for that loss Im left with this feeling that Im not doing enough for that experience That time will go by and I will fall back into ignorence, isolation and fear I think that big ambition will save me Changing the world Yet knowledge grows on people So I sit in all my simplity and appreciate the small things A voice in my head telling me it willl always be the same That I cant be present Oh what fire of suffering I go through The trials of solitude making me stronger Taking on each challenge as it comes praying that I can transcend this one day yet the things I dream of take time One foot in front of the other for now Hesitation To be or not to be, that is the question It wasnt meant to be but at least I tried and will know next time to follow my instincts Its just when that doubt creeps in And i listen to that voice that says i wont be ok That i wait my whole life wanting to jump but it never happens I judge them I spit at their unholiness and think that im better I go back home cussing out the world I wanted to yell at the chicks on the bus last night for their drunken slandering of other women, playing and singing beyonce out loud like no one else was there and their superficial banter that seemed like an insult to my experience but i must not take it personally I judge and can be aggressive Protecting akward facial expressions so that people cant see To feel it all instead of running away Ones worst fears What are we afraid of anyway Theres is no destination in life I grow older Each day the old ways die I have funerals in my mind everyday I long for the simplicity and joy of memories Yet the present presses I keep marching forward Like a warrior in a battle field Ones comrades fallen in the battle field Yet the battle doesnt stop quite yet Like my friend Bill said You go through the trees, you come to a clearing and then there are more trees And with your mind on the future The blessings all around pass you by Until its too late how could one race against the here and now? You'll never win It has a way of defeating you with its endlessness yet one attempts to beat it anyway And you learn lessons the hardway Enoughness is always here The moment we let it all go and trust that it will figure itself out in its own time, is the moment were free We just have to hold onto the invisible string in the maze Thats how magic happens Who wants to go on an adventure? I may tell myself I need to settle down but I'm never too old for some fun When did I decide it had to be all heavy anyway? Time to throw off that armour Doesnt help with dancing anyway Time to live with a smile on my face Why not? Body unable to move forward Slow down Still Mind spiraling around inequacy Doubts ane fears bubbling up in alone time feeling trapped by the critcal voice within Am I doing enough failure creeping up Like some thoughts could ruin all ones accomplished in life Believing the thoughts Believing the thoughts Digging deeper If i do nothing yet im still doing something If i do gods plan Which maybe appear to be doing nothing Im helping the whole world I sit here thinking that i am not good enough That ill never achieve my goals or dreams i doubt the how I doubt the way I doubt until im tied up in doubt and cant move I doubt my successes I remember days in santa cruz sitting at my mums house hiding from reality Fears growing so big That i felt frozen to move And ashamed Years Fears holding me back Thinking of my death And how i was wasting my life Ill never get out of here I thought Years later Fancy studio apartment all to myself Strength Direction language skills Shamanism A life manifested yet the doubt still remains I wake up late And theirs that fear that my life is being wasted That i have failed the day already And all the things i must do are like a moutain over my head In a trap of my own isolation Guilty feelings and fragmenting To make the wrong turn To say that one needs to go To feel so confused And to be so alone yet no one has to make any decision And whats right for one person is right for them We cant force things to be anything but what they are Thats the fine art The universe has plans of its own I just want connection is what i say I wish i didnt have this anxiety That i could just be with whoever without these feelings To think that god would isolate me so Its so much Grey skies cast a veil over my retina and colors my story If they could only see me now On a train, grey clouds making the transition from day to night not too much different Ten days I'm sick I sit alone in my studio in Harrogate The skies are gray The town is rich I left california which seems like a million years ago My life flashes before my eyes Then the new year begins On new years eve I'm having a talk on the phone feeling like shit I left the volunteers office Got heckled by chavs I needed to eat pad thai noodles Had to cancel my italian class And my possible volunteer opportunity The anxiety I have like a barbwire fence around me I saw a kid in a elementary school in Burley park Leeds, trying to climb the fence to escape, the staff approached him He ran around the side of the building Its seems easier to run away I remember running away from school I cant blame its Its just when we keep running the circles getting tighter and tighter Until one day, their no space to breathe And we cant pretend like were not afraid anymore Is it people im afraid of or my own critical voice in my head? That never seems to give me a break no matter what I go through I want to share, I want to tell my story Yet I spent so long keeping secrets That those who knew what I experenienced have long since departed on their own journey And the ones remaining see the tip of the iceburg and don't seem to understand how person can be as they are I begin to feel ugly, like some rouge animal that now is living in society yet doesnt fit in with any of it And the only card left is to tell the truth Brutally and honest To face the staff Not to hop the fence Or run around the side of the building But stand still and love myself Completly Because I deserve it Definition Jealousy Envy wanting what someone else has From a dark tunnel into the sunshine laughter stretching for many many hours Spanish people are pretty cool We went around a lake We spoke spanish I bumped into both of them on a Woodland trail they had no idea how much they healed more They did more then any counselor could have done in a few weeks They just let their love for life shine into everything and joy disinter grate fear I took with me that day that light into all places Even into the places where alcohol ruled supreme and negativity and judment were brewing it feels so good to love To let yourself shine There is no need to try anything else i failed No i just gave into temptation Failure is not to try at all Maybe i failed in trying to resist temptation I had fun and i learned something I gave it my all im pretty sure i messaged some people i regret Giving into my need to make myself seem more loved More loved then my irish friend He gets all the chicks And i get envious and jealous Though is that love anyway Maybe i just peer so deeply into my flaws and never truly acknowledge my strengths Maybe im too busy being strong that my weaknesses get louder then ever I have this fear that women always find some other guy more confident than me and that once people find out I live at my uncles studio flat he owns That i dont work because my mental health has not been too good that my mother passed That I am so afraid of crying or showing any vunerability in front of people That i use to live with my mum up to the age of 25 on and off but majority of the time with her That I'll be seen even lower on the totem pole i dont even want to read this out I dont want someome to find this and see it My shame drains my energy my secrets isolate me freedom is when I am as I am with no need to hide because I love myself completly and need not feel guilty for being human Flawed and beautiful Yet perfect in the eyes of god Joke "A guy calls a therapist saying he has a really big fear that he needs to express to someone, that he didnt know who he could tell so he thought to tell a professional Therapist says ok and books an appointment When the new client arrives he makew the appointment a week later, he has a wagon in front of him pulled by four dogs. There are blankets covering a very round and long object about five feet long. The therapist seems mystified and a bit worried by this but because the man had a nice energy around him the therapist didnt worry much. The man enters the office and the therapist says "well whats going on?" Man says "well you see, i have a problem" he pulls back the covers of his blanket to reveal a five foot by three foot wide D%$#. Instantly the dogs at the front of the cock wagon start jumping around and barking. "I fear I have the biggest cock in the world doc!" Part two "Oh my "says the therapist "Yes" says the man This calls for a celebration says the therapist. Its not everyday you have the largest ding a dong a long ass willy wong in the world!" it is not "says the man" "It is not" says the therapist the client covers his gianormous anaconda with the blankets, the therapist sits on top of the blanketed dong and the dogs that have now shapeshifted into horses because the man and the therapist took psychedelic mushrooms, lsd and smoked weed earlier pull them onto the street and down the road. The therapist and client were having the time of their life, singing beyonce songs together, snoop dog, johny cash and justin bieber Until a cop pulled them over.. This cop asks if they have a special licence to have a dog wagon like this they say no. The cop becomes very curious about what is under the blanket "I I know my rights, you dont have the right to search me" "Yes I do" says the cop "No you dont." This goes back and forth until angrily the cop pulls back the blanket! Yes I do!!! "Jesus christ holy mother of gigantic ding a dong a longs" says the cop. " that the biggest tallwacker ive seen across the whole of texas! "Yes" says the man beaming with pride "It is mine" "The magnificient slong belongs to me" "Well I cant hold you back!" says the cop. "Its not everyday that you meet someone with giant wand from the lord." "This is calls for a celebration!" With that the cop follows behind the cock wagon, with the therapist and the client and the police shouting on his megaphone. "Make way make way for Mr. King giant horsecock himself, with a set of giant monkey balls to match, hide your kids and your wives, make way, make way, Texas should be blessed to have such a magnificence on our streets this mightey fine afternoon! And this is how the client, therapist and police officer continued their journey, until next time!! To be continued in Part Two: My donkey has four legs under a bucket of milk England is a capricorns wet dream Financial budget 200 Pleasure Groceries Bachata Spanish Lessons 30 for phone 100 for bus pass November 29th 19£ Grocercies 30th 3£ Pizza 17 waitrose on 2nd Saturday 6:50 pad thai 2 pound zam zams falafel 3 pounds tortelli 6:50 5 pounds waitrose 7:60 paragon 20 pounds charity 1 pound pineapple 10 pounds notebooks, eraser, tape Xam zam 2.20 Waterstones 3:90 3:30 sainsburies Engage : 120 left on card Engage equal=

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Filing a Lawsuit Against The British Goverment

I am filing a lawsuit against the British government for hiding the Sun. They also have been selling large chunks of it to China and even worse hulu hooping, pot smoking, disneyland, hollywood, fairy dust snorting, sunny California (greedy bastards).

In England you have to pay to see the sun, when enough people have paid taxes the British goverment teases you with a 30 second peak of the Sun. If you can be the most "stoic, bitter English person" you are awarded two days of Sun to experience to your hearts content. If you are most "miserable English person" you are awarded three days of Sun, even a pair of shorts and sunglasses.

Everyone is competing here except me , I thought it would be smarter to probably just move to Australia.

Cheers!

P.S. the views expressed in this most are purely for comedic purposes. This is my rough attempt at English humour and you may see I have biases, I am working on these and in accepting everyone. Everywhere I go there are things I don't like about certain cultures. Humour is my way of letting out the tension.

Muchas gracias!

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March 21st 2017; First Solo Trip into Leeds

Well today I left Otley in North Yorkshire England, my uncle brought me to the bus station which I approved of because he was playing house music in his truck like thingy. I got on a double decker bus, asking the bus driver "what do I do!" I gave him money and he gave me change for a day pass. On the top deck of the bus is a guy with a hat that says 'hillybilly.co.uk' I dont know if Hillbilly means the same thing in the UK, but if it does it seems like the hillbillies here are smart enough to start a hat company to support their inbreeding.

Then I enter into leeds, getting closer to city center and there is a small farm with horses pretty much in the city. Nayyyyyyy!

Then suddenly a group of middle school girls get on the bus talking in a Jamaican yorkshire dialect about silly middle school girl drama yet I was captivated by their accent. If I was in california and it would have been a group of cali girls going "Omg, omg, like like like" I would have kindly (politely because im british now) asked the lord " to kill me now" but they weren't so my bus ride became quite magical.

I then get off the bus to adventure across town given bus times in military time, which boggled me as much as the street signs which were painted high up on the walls. I went into a store and bought water that was called New York city food, which was only called that because it was on "New York street" bloody hell.

I then went into a Mexican restaurant that also sold Brazilian food as to feel like I was back in California. I also love Mexican food! The guy in their was friendly ( maybe cuz we both had beards).

I got all jolly eating nachos and sweet potato fries and decide to chat to the amnesty international people. Seems so far Englandy people don't chat to people they don't know on the street like they do in "hella" do in Santa Cruz California, so I was down for anything at this point. To chat to anyone who wanted to chat to me. Even a dead pile of fish and chips.

I kept going up the street and chatted to the next amnesty international girl who had me guess where she was from. This was annoying because she expected me to know the countries around Norway and because I have been educated in America and been taught that it is the only country that exists I wasn't sure that Germany wasn't within Scandinavia either (pretty sure that was a run on sentence).I exited apologizing for being a rude American because I had been talking and eating nachos at the same time. (Whahahaha!)

Then it was time for the loo (the bathroom where I empty my bladder ) I go to the toilet (the loo is very clean by the way.) After this near the restroom I find a room called "the quiet room" in the mall. I go in there and begin meditating reflecting on my horrible life and how I wish the sun would come out here more in this bloody realm.

While I was meditating someone slipped me a note basically telling me "to stay strong and God was with me" this was exactly what I needed a hear. There were many people praying to Allah on rugs, it was pretty badass, though it wouldn't fancy Mr. Trumpy well, it fancied them well.

Finally I had some bloody wifi that didn't cut in and out like it does where I live in the countryside, so I chatted to my friend in Santa Cruz, thru Facebook call. We chatted about cultural differences (I talked most of the time actuelly) About shamanism, how time and space are an illusion and we talked even about how I talked too much. Then I left to the bus station.

So at the bustation I'm waiting for my bus, a nice custodian guy helped me out to find out the right bus times(cheers mate). I see this guy putting on a shirt that says 'California', his backpack is an American brand so I ask him if he is from California. He tells me he was born in Korea in the Capitol city there but doesn't identify with any nationality. He then begins telling me that I keep agreeing with him about his perspectives because I am like everyone else. He also was bragging about living in so many countries and different places ( he was preaching a lot cuz I was listening to him because he actuelly decided to have a conversation with me in england)

I guess living in many countries and places doesnt stop him from being an "arrogant twat." some people never learn. "Twat" is something like a "idiot" except it sounds worse"

He said he had lived in Boston before too , so I guessed this probably contributed to his flamboyant grandiose' twattery' (twattery is a lifestyle for the twats).

Before I knew it I was on back in otley safe and sound. Some folks at the house were worried about me coming back thru the countryside in the dark, yet If they knew how many tweakers I've dodged, how many crackhead I've tangoed with, how many dangerous fantangos I've ding donged around, how many halluncigenic trips I survived maybe they wouldn't worry as much, but I'm guessing they still will.

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April 21st a story about my bloody shoes

"A story about my bloody shoes" The toughest part of the day was going to a counseling session in Harrogate. I had to run through a field of sheep, sheep shit all over the place in skinny jeans and nice shoes (all my other jeans in the wash) to the bus station a mile away. As I begin to sweat my legs and back started to itch. This made me want to say the F word. I had to make It to the bus. Time was running out. I spied a man in front of me in skinny jeans on the way. I judged him then realized I was wearing skinny jeans as well. I just was hoping my jeans weren't as skinny as his from the back. I get on the bloody bus and before long I'm in the posh town of Harrogate. Everyone is dressed nice. I look down and the side of my shoe is covered in sheep shit. I Try to wipe it off on random metal things but it smeared more. I walk around town hoping no one noticed. I also was hoping my counselor wouldn't notice my sheep shitty shoes. I forgot about the nice white carpet. I was able to clean it off my shoes by putting it in this mucky pond later and then scraping it off with a stick in the bushes. I rode back home on a normal bus and a short bus. I also ate a mushroom pizza from an Italian pizza place ran by a dude from Iran. He reminded me that America they work too hard and England is for the lazy man. True or not. You decide. The moral of the story is I seem to ruin every pair of shoes I have owned since I was a kid. When your an adventurer sometimes shit happens. On your shoes.

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Quotes from movie

In the movie Paul, the police officer says to the two british dudes "I heard about england, they say that cops don't use guns" one dude says "well it's because they don't need to use them" then cop says "well then how do they shoot people?"

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The random handicapped guy at the bustop part 1

What a two days, not only did I get kicked out of a club yeaterday for dancing with enthuasism but today i lost my return bus tick to harrogate. I had no money left. As i realized I lost it I looked to the left at this fella with lots of interesting pins on, I think he was handicapped. He was eating a chocolate bar and staring at me. Tito "does that taste good" Dude: "yea, I like sucking on things, do you like sucking on things?" Tito: "not particularly no" Dude "i like you, your a nice guy" Tito "thank you" Dude: "are you gay" Tito: "no, are you" Dude: "yes" Tito "I thought so" I explained my bus ticket situation. He told me that he would me an "exchange" I would just have to "suck" I declined. I left telling him "I hope you find many things to suck on" Life. Yesterday someone said they would give me a blowjob if I gave them my Id to get into the club. I just told them my drunk spanish friend was down. I shoudnt have messed with him because he lost his jacket and was sad. Why is this happening! Do I have a sign on my back saying "ask him if he wants a blowjob!" Anyway i asked a random guy for 5 pounds for my bus fair and he gave it to me (he didnt make me suck) Good people.

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Random daily life shit

Funny things that happened today... Fell asleep by accident wore an irish flag sticker to confuse an american guy into thinking im irish at a international language exchange pretended I was a spanish romantic man talked to a group of people where you are suppose to meet new people and practice languages who didnt want to talk much and just kept talking and talking because I thought it was funny Met a spanish girl with red hair again who looked like a mermaid, her friends ate dog shi* for breakfast I swear, it ruined my relationship with the mermaid, a real mermaid! She needs to escape from her friends! Bumped my knee as I was getting off the bus. And totally unrelated; they should install heat lamps at bustops in cold places.

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Birthday hype

Yea, yea yea. Missed my bus saturday night, got distracted by someone with sparkly lipgloss. Or maybe I just got the bus time wrong who knows. So I get a uber. I tell the driver I dont have all the money but will leave my phone in the car while I get the rest of the money in Harrogate. This dude was all about trust. He was a G. He let me go through his playlist and play some Tom Zanetti, a dope ass rapper who raps over jacking house and is well known im Leeds. That reminded me of being at prism club in leeds over the summer and getting down to some of tom zanetties tracks with a bunch of french people. Bonjour, comment t'allez vous got home and itz my muther fucking birthhday yall, one of the most life changing years of my life for a multitude of reasons. Fuck yea, fuck yea, fuck yea. Fuck yea! Celebration! Celebration!

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Falafel shop

At one falafel shop today that I regularly go too, one of the employee's asked me "so your vegetarian and a girl or a guy is vegetarian and say they dont eat meat Then how come the girls suck on the dick and guys eat the pussy. Doesnt that count as meat. The juices are just like turkey juices or chicken juices" Interesting point.. Last week it was that my name is Tito and his country the word titu means "chicken boy" a guy whose scared of everything. He told me if I went to his county with that name that I would end up pregnant in a week.

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November 28th Part One

Blog of November 28 2017=a bit more of my day today Part 1 This one is called "wowowowowowowowo""" After leaving my Spanish class where I struggled very hard to be civilised and not say inappropriate things, I went to the falafel shop as you saw in my last post. From there I waited for my Harrogate Bus, I had about 20 minutes so I went inside the Victorian arcade. I begin doing a bit of a slight dance to some house music playing off my phone. People gave me looks, yet I was having fun and let it roll off my back like hamsters. Some dude rolled up, looking like he was living on the street, he was about to ask me something instead I said "spit a freestyle." He told me he wrote this rhyme when he was in jail. I was like "dat's real" he rapped over house music. I said it was good and gave him respect. Then I began to rap and apparently he said I made no sense and called me "a sausage." Then he asked to use my phone and I let him use it after he dissed me! If I was ever in jail with him he would have easily made me his bitch! I went back to Bustop and I had missed my Bus, so it was off to trinity center for 20 more minutes until my next bus came. The whole way I was listening to a random jacking house song off YouTube and I noticed the lyrics kept repeating something like "I love my girlfriend but she is nothing but a coke whore" all the way through the trinity center on my phone speakers. I returned to the Bus stop to have a lovely conversation with a girl who I asked if she was Italian but she was not. You can start a conversation with pretty much anyone by falsy accusing them of being Italian Or Spanish.. I'll write the next part in a moment...

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November 28th Part two

Part Two Blog November 28th.  This one is called "yessssssss...ahhhhhhhhhh...!!!!!"" After a wee bit on the the bus, I went downstairs. Their was a girl sitting there holding a Misses mouse doll in her arms and a backpack. I had to turn away because I started cracking up, more because Of what I was going to ask her. "Where is Micky mouse" She said "she doesn't like him" I asked her if she was Italian or Spanish and she said "No. "I asked her where she was from she said "somewhere" I said I was from "somewhere as well." just because you can start a conversation asking if someone is Spanish or Italian doesn't mean it will go anywhere. There was another guy behind her and I said "you look spanish" He said "yes" and I began to chat to him in Spanish, he barely responded and I could tell he was thinking "fuck off. " he had spat and shat on the once in lifetime privilege of talking to me. One day he will be an old man and will be like "fuck, what was I thinking! "Smacking himself in the forehead. it will be too late and the regret will be like red hot chilli peppers on his willy! I get off the bus rush to my apartment and rush back out, the once a month Spanish English exchange was going on at north bar and I was thinking time to be really silly in there. Instead as I arrived they were all around a table, just got done playing a word game and were all just chatting. It felt very cliquey and it made it hard to chat to different people because of our set positions around the table. It was like an awkward dinner party. I attempted to speak yet like a fisherman my hook didn't catch. There was nothing worse than high school situations repeated in adult life. One Spanish lady briefly spoke to me, while we were speaking the English girl next to me's hair caught on fire while she was leaning over a candle, burning some of her hair off. Madre Mia!! After that drama had settled down Some people went outside to smoke and I was left with random people talking about nothing interesting or randomly just all having an awkward silence. So I was like "peace out" in my mind. I stood and said "me voy" (I'm going" one spanish lady looked concerned and said "por que" (Why) I said "no te preocupas" which means "don't worry." She looked upset by that answer. Then I left without looking back. Sometimes I feel whatever comes out of my mouth upsets people, after a while all I can do is pray for the world and carry on. I walked out of their feeling liberated. If you don't like somewhere you can always leave. My next most exciting adventure was awaiting for me in my apartment.... Cleaning old spaghetti from the sink!!!!!!!

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The day after the irish Gaf: The ayahuasca man

In the morning after leaving my friends house I was in a silly mood, I was chatting to random people after he left to go to work. I was a bit sleep deprived. I ended up in the trinity center, a cool kinda mall like area, there was a stand with all these doorknobs, spammers, keys and spoons that looked like they were made out of chocolate. I thought the lady was going to tell me I was wrong but in fact they were all made out of chocolate. This amazed me to no end and I told the girls that I had needed a spanner for my bike, if the chocolate one would work on my bike. I asked a few more questions like this. They looked at me like I had taken all the drugs, they couldn't tell that I was joking. I bought a chocolate spoon. Downstairs as well was a mountain of chocolate, I felt my life had been changed forever. Outside it was a beautiful double rainbow, I took that as a great sign. After talking to a vendor from Ecuador in Spanish I got on my Harrogate bus with my chocolate spoon, seeing my too ex female Spanish flatmates get into a taxi, that I had thought about two days ago when I was in the Woods. On the bus I began chatting to a guy Who lives in Spain and originally from Leeds. He explained how the girls at McDonald's from yesterday who were being mean was just testing my confidence which seemed a bit psychotic. He was just here in Yorkshire for a week and he knew Harry Stevens, The guy who runs the international language exchange. They had been in a comedy improv class together. Interesting connection. I begin talking about astrology and he said he was interested. He explained how he worked with shamans in the south of Spain, facilitating ayahuasca ceremonies for people. This was no coincidence because I rarely meet anybody who talks about these things, let alone says he runs ayahuasca retreats, also practicing shamanism, as I have been too. I had kinda thought that I had fucked us the night before I'm staying out so late but I realized sometimes plans twist and turn and things align you with where you need to go in strange ways. This guy was reflecting to me my intentions of a few days ago to also dedicate myself more seriously to my path as well. What an adventure

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Out of the woods into spaghetti land

Part 2 After leaving the woods I arrived in busy Harrogate on a Friday, the Indian restaurant that I wanted to go to was closed so I decided to go to an Italian restaurant. I felt a bit introverted yet I wanted to order my food in Italian from the Server. Mustering up the courage, because I was very new to Italian, I ordered my food. The server came back and I asked him "di dove sei di Italia?" (Where you from in Italy?) he looked at me and said, "I am not from Italy, I am French. " So I quickly slipped into French. An older English couple begin chatting to me because they overheard me saying that I was American to the waiter. I was more surprised that someone had started a conversation with me in England because that rarely seemed to happen but I appreciated it. Usually I am the one starting the conversation.  Upon leaving I said "au revoir " to the waiter who shook my hand and "arrivadeci" to the owner. I realized that I had a bit of a prejudice towards many French people, often when hearing that they were French, not wanting to speak with them. This came from experiences early this year where I had made one French friend and had a French flatmate who I had grown fond of over time. My French friend introduced me to the other French that he knew in Leeds and they acted very friendly towards me at first but when they were together they kinda ignored me quite often. My French French said that the French were often like this. I had many more encounters like this where the French seemed very closed if not downright rude to new to people they didn't know that well. With the waiter I realized I just needed to let go of that. That we wear all different types of mask in life and all these external things we identify with are not our true authentic selves. That these people I have met whether I liked them or not, also have their challenges, fears, desires, positive qualities and negative qualities. To let go of those judgments, that protective armour that keeps us separate and freezes our hearts. To give everybody the benefit of the doubt, take everyone as an individual, that is the goal. I went back to my house and after some blogging I had a chat with my Stepdad. We debated some of these concepts I have mentioned here. Overall it was a very fruitful day and I had many eye opening experiences. Accept people as they are is one great lesson I learned

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The High American Girl, Mcdonalds and The Irish Gaf

Saturday night I went to Casa Columbiana in Leeds to dance. After feeling pretty shit for a few days I ended up dancing a little bit, dealing with a little bit of drama on the dance floor that I later regretted. My sister had just got done telling me on the phone about her crazy American friend, which reminded me of the wild stuff that American folks do that I don't find happening with the other nationalities I meet. Sure enough I spot a girl on the dance floor in the middle of a dance circle, staring at this Spanish guy like she wanted to fuck him, shaking it with her eyes very wide. I noticed that her eyes were popping out of her head actually and she kept straightening her hair.  My friend then showed up and introduced me to this girl and said it was his friend. He said she was Mexican American from Texas. She was apparently on MDMA. My friend and I decided it was pretty odd to come to a salsa, bachata, reggaeton night like casa columbiana rolling' your face off. I also wasn't surprised that American folks would do this. When I had first met my friend Jaime, It was at a Spanish language exchange at a Hotel. There was a basil plant on the table for ambiance and I had begin eating the leaves in front of all the new people. After also telling a few psychedelic stories about how I went to high school  on mushrooms Jaime told me "Americans are so strange." Americans, (I'm included) are a bit nuts in general  So Jaime and I decided not to go to the party this girl was going too. We instead had a talk about how in England and in Ireland people just get pissed drunk and that people in England live for the weekend. We decided that we would go to McDonald's, he would eat there and then after I would catch my last bus home. He called McDonald's in Leeds, on a Saturday night "the Zoo. "It wasn't far from the truth. It was full to the brim with very drunk English people, guys telling their friends "Steven is a cunt. " ladies half naked with fake eyelashes (seemed like every lady) wearing so much make up that it must take them a few years and lots of water to wash it all off. We sat at a table next to a bunch of chicks dressed like this. On the tables we're piles of trash, it was a strange world indeed. My friend started talking to the girl across from him, a friendly girl who lives in Skipton now. The girls cousin, a possibly pretty (never can tell because of the makeup) chick with her tits hanging out butted into the conversation, not only because in England it's seen as weird to talk to strangers but because this girl was the pretty girl of the group and was used to getting the attention. She was a bit rude. My friend responded by saying hi and ignoring the girl, a bold but deadly move. This gave such a blow to the girls ego that her and most of her friends started doing everything they could to phase my friend and me. Singing silly songs, giving us awkward smiles and asking us dumb questions and talking lots of shit. I was about to explode, but my friend stayed so calm and un-phased simply telling the girls they weren't nice and that the the alpha chick needed to "open her brain." It was kinda like he was Neo from the matrix, calm and dodging bullets with ease and I was some foot soldier fighting for his life. I snapped at the girl one time, then realised to just "tell her she was pretty." She immediately calmed down and said sorry. After they left my friend continued to chat to people, girls seemed to just give him their number without him asking wherever he went it seemed. I had missed my last bus to Harrogate, so He said I could crash at his house in headingley, a part of Leeds. It was a twenty minute walk to his house and on the way, There was a door open to a party, so I ran inside and danced in a front of a room of stoic, college kids.Then left. My friend then said he wanted sweets, so we went into a convenience store and met a drunk girl from Ireland who invited my friend and I (because he is Irish) to her house to party.  It was about 6 in the morning at this point. She entered her house and announced to everybody in the living room that she had met some new friends but as she entered the living room there was nobody there. Soon enough two other Irish girls entered the room and three guys. One of the guys she had just randomly met on the street earlier, she invited him over too. This guy was drunk as fuck. He had apparently come up to her on the street completely fucked and said "why won't you give me a chance, why won't you give me a chance!." So she decided to invite him along. The dude begin telling my friend and I how the other dude wanted him to go daegon  alley, which was located in the fireplace, on some Harry Potter shit. The Irish girl also also remarked that She imagined us beating each other off in the corner. She thought this was really funny. I told the Irish lass to sing and so she sung some old school American tunes at the top of her lungs and then after would laugh insanely. My friend told me Irish girls were crazy too. Meanwhile a drunk guy from Newcastle was passed out on the couch after trying to figure out why I had missed my bus. Him and another guy for about five minutes had a drunken debate about why I had missed my Bus without asking me for any input. The madness did not end. One of the drunk guys told one of the Irish girls that she looked like frosty the Tiger because friend began to throw pieces of candy at the guy passed out. One of the drunk guys who was kinda the star drunk guy of the night begin to have a rap battle with me. Because he suddenly put on a beanie the girl who invited us over called him slim shady the whole night. I didn't tell anyone that I had been rapping for years, so suddenly I begin destroying him with lyrics " telling him he fucked donkeys and he shouldn't do that because he is a farmer" At this point it's like 7 in the morning. Their is beer spilled on the ground, the star drunk guy thinks it's Piss, so he wants to find a mop. My friend wants to go, the Irish girl said "if you go, we get to keep the American " like I'm a poodle. I knew I would get no sleep in this madhouse so returned to my friends house and slept on his floor. Next is part two.

[mystictruth123456-blog]

The High American Girl, Mcdonalds and The Irish Gaf

Saturday night I went to Casa Columbiana in Leeds to dance. After feeling pretty shit for a few days I ended up dancing a little bit, dealing with a little bit of drama on the dance floor that I later regretted. My sister had just got done telling me on the phone about her crazy American friend, which reminded me of the wild stuff that American folks do that I don't find happening with the other nationalities I meet. Sure enough I spot a girl on the dance floor in the middle of a dance circle, staring at this Spanish guy like she wanted to fuck him, shaking it with her eyes very wide. I noticed that her eyes were popping out of her head actually and she kept straightening her hair.  My friend then showed up and introduced me to this girl and said it was his friend. He said she was Mexican American from Texas. She was apparently on MDMA. My friend and I decided it was pretty odd to come to a salsa, bachata, reggaeton night like casa columbiana rolling' your face off. I also wasn't surprised that American folks would do this. When I had first met my friend Jaime, It was at a Spanish language exchange at a Hotel. There was a basil plant on the table for ambiance and I had begin eating the leaves in front of all the new people. After also telling a few psychedelic stories about how I went to high school  on mushrooms Jaime told me "Americans are so strange." Americans, (I'm included) are a bit nuts in general  So Jaime and I decided not to go to the party this girl was going too. We instead had a talk about how in England and in Ireland people just get pissed drunk and that people in England live for the weekend. We decided that we would go to McDonald's, he would eat there and then after I would catch my last bus home. He called McDonald's in Leeds, on a Saturday night "the Zoo. "It wasn't far from the truth. It was full to the brim with very drunk English people, guys telling their friends "Steven is a cunt. " ladies half naked with fake eyelashes (seemed like every lady) wearing so much make up that it must take them a few years and lots of water to wash it all off. We sat at a table next to a bunch of chicks dressed like this. On the tables we're piles of trash, it was a strange world indeed. My friend started talking to the girl across from him, a friendly girl who lives in Skipton now. The girls cousin, a possibly pretty (never can tell because of the makeup) chick with her tits hanging out butted into the conversation, not only because in England it's seen as weird to talk to strangers but because this girl was the pretty girl of the group and was used to getting the attention. She was a bit rude. My friend responded by saying hi and ignoring the girl, a bold but deadly move. This gave such a blow to the girls ego that her and most of her friends started doing everything they could to phase my friend and me. Singing silly songs, giving us awkward smiles and asking us dumb questions and talking lots of shit. I was about to explode, but my friend stayed so calm and un-phased simply telling the girls they weren't nice and that the the alpha chick needed to "open her brain." It was kinda like he was Neo from the matrix, calm and dodging bullets with ease and I was some foot soldier fighting for his life. I snapped at the girl one time, then realised to just "tell her she was pretty." She immediately calmed down and said sorry. After they left my friend continued to chat to people, girls seemed to just give him their number without him asking wherever he went it seemed. I had missed my last bus to Harrogate, so He said I could crash at his house in headingley, a part of Leeds. It was a twenty minute walk to his house and on the way, There was a door open to a party, so I ran inside and danced in a front of a room of stoic, college kids.Then left. My friend then said he wanted sweets, so we went into a convenience store and met a drunk girl from Ireland who invited my friend and I (because he is Irish) to her house to party.  It was about 6 in the morning at this point. She entered her house and announced to everybody in the living room that she had met some new friends but as she entered the living room there was nobody there. Soon enough two other Irish girls entered the room and three guys. One of the guys she had just randomly met on the street earlier, she invited him over too. This guy was drunk as fuck. He had apparently come up to her on the street completely fucked and said "why won't you give me a chance, why won't you give me a chance!." So she decided to invite him along. The dude begin telling my friend and I how the other dude wanted him to go daegon  alley, which was located in the fireplace, on some Harry Potter shit. The Irish girl also also remarked that She imagined us beating each other off in the corner. She thought this was really funny. I told the Irish lass to sing and so she sung some old school American tunes at the top of her lungs and then after would laugh insanely. My friend told me Irish girls were crazy too. Meanwhile a drunk guy from Newcastle was passed out on the couch after trying to figure out why I had missed my bus. Him and another guy for about five minutes had a drunken debate about why I had missed my Bus without asking me for any input. The madness did not end. One of the drunk guys told one of the Irish girls that she looked like frosty the Tiger because friend began to throw pieces of candy at the guy passed out. One of the drunk guys who was kinda the star drunk guy of the night begin to have a rap battle with me. Because he suddenly put on a beanie the girl who invited us over called him slim shady the whole night. I didn't tell anyone that I had been rapping for years, so suddenly I begin destroying him with lyrics " telling him he fucked donkeys and he shouldn't do that because he is a farmer" At this point it's like 7 in the morning. Their is beer spilled on the ground, the star drunk guy thinks it's Piss, so he wants to find a mop. My friend wants to go, the Irish girl said "if you go, we get to keep the American " like I'm a poodle. I knew I would get no sleep in this madhouse so returned to my friends house and slept on his floor. Next is part two.

[mystictruth123456-blog]

A magical adventure in the woods

Today I felt bored. A bit in a rut. I had been grieving about my mum for many days and things felt a bit pointless. It seemed like nothing was exciting me that much and I Didn't have much of a plan for the day. I had read A few pages from Ram Das's book the mirror of the soul, about how to accept everyone and everything in our life as part of our life curriculum, that our desires create our world.  I was thinking about staying at home for the day but realised after pulling the reversed butterfly card from my animal medicine card deck that belonged to my mum, that it was time to embrace change.  So I walked out of my apartment after breakfast onto the street, I prayed beforehand for an adventure.  the sky was a clear blue and the sun was out which is rare in England. Since it gets dark around 4pm nowadays out here I thought that it was important that I moved quickly, if I wanted to experience any good weather in the woods. I realised how strange it was walking around Harrogate because I spend most of my time in Leeds and when I am in Harrogate I usually just am in my studio. I went into this bookstore called "Waterstones " and looked at the joke section of the store. I looked at everyone and remarked in my head for the thousandth time how strange English culture was in how reserved and private people are. Nobody looking at each other, nobody acknowledging each other. it's just weird and a bit awkward.  I marched my way all the way to the valley gardens, a collection of beautiful flowers, trees in a park, of all different sorts, with a little stream, mini ponds and ducks.  I got near the trails in the woods and told myself "This is all a dream."  I called the spirit of the dragonfly to teach me. A spirit that breaks illusions and reveals the magic of reality. As I entered the trail in the woods I begin to see the magic of it all, the trees, plants, the grass. Everything was very much alive. In my thoughts was still this voice of boredom and apathy. I kept wandering through the Woods off the trails until I reached a spot by a tree where I sat down. I thought to myself "if you have a day where you don't know what to do and feel you are in a rut, you could either stay in the apartment all day or wander around the Woods." I just decided to sit with and surrender to my feelings of boredom. A part of me felt it was unfair that I should deal with this sense of pointlessness after all that Had happened with my mum. There didn't seem like there was any positive reason for this. I just sat and sat, having a sense of perspective about things and suddenly I noticed my mind drift from my boredom and apathy to random thoughts about people, funny experiences and things I liked. I begin telling jokes to myself and quoting a Will Ferrel blooper from one of his movies where he goes "check out my my plums, all swollen, blue hued and juicy." I kept saying this to myself hoping to cheer myself up, remembering that I have a sense of humour that I forget this at times. As I was sitting there dogs started to come past. Usually I have a fear of dogs because I was bit  by a dog  as a child, yet this time I just radiated love toward the dogs and the owner. My practice now is to look into someone's eye and see that awareness that We share, that is not their body, not their mind or their feelings. I did that with the dogs and noticed a lack of fear. Our minds are constantly projecting our interpretation of reality onto things, and quite often are pretty inaccurate. That was another mantra for the day, that my mind often plays tricks on me. The miracle that really got me out of my mind rut was the the dogs that showed up out of nowhere. First it was this dark, mop looking dog just staring at me, sniffing the ground then staring at me again, then came the procession of wiener dogs. One, two, three, four of them, one of them black and brown like a Rottweiler and the others ones more whitish with traces of other colours. It was a very random pack of wiener dogs. I said to myself "The wiener dog coalition" and begin cracking up as the owner and the pack left the scene. I went on a excited wandering through the woods at this point, spotting different varieties of wild mushroom, calling in thousands of coyote spirits, hummingbird, and porcupine spirits to lighten up the mood. I noticed for a while now that People had just known me for being that silly guy, because I had tried to have deeper conversations and it wasn't received well. Now I felt I could integrate the deeper part of me and the comic in me together. My humour has always been one of my great strengths and brought me back to life after a challenging time.  My memory kept getting flooded with hilarious adventures I have had with friends. Such as my often shy Spanish friend who went back to Spain a few weeks prior, being drunk one night and like a hunter, spotting a girl and then making out with her. it's easy when you are grieving to forget these happy times in life, and when your having them it's easy to forget what those tough times feel like as well. My journey led me to a open field, the clouds amidst the blue sky alive and powerful. From there I reached a more open wooded space, with trees dotted around and the sun shining through the trees. I thought of how my mum told me that whenever she was abroad and looked at the moon she knew at some point her family or friends far away were looking at the same moon. I looked at the sun and thought of my stepdad looking at the sun and Imagined what it would be like in his shoes, living his life which I'd never fully know in this life. I came upon another field, on the other side of a stone wall, the sun shining brilliantly on the grass and through the foliage. There was sheep in the field. I could have imagined my mum saying "look at the sheep, look at the sun, look at the trees" with that childlike curiosity she had. The wiener dogs came past again, I scuttled around them and the lady who owned them said "don't worry they won't hurt you." I Felt a sting of pride to my manhood. I was only one percent afraid of the wiener dogs and she called me out on that one percent. I also received an invite a party in Burley Park, Leeds from a friend. I reached the bottom of the wooded path and began my ascent back up. This time reflecting on the people that had past through my life in Leeds. The invite to Burley Park reminded me of these things. I had also made deep connections with my flatmates when I lived in Burley Park for a month in the summer. It seemed like a dream. It always mystified me, how you could be close to people, have this story together and next second it could be all over like it never happened. I reminded myself that those people and experiences were still in my heart and though there may not be as much action in my life this week, It didn't mean I had lost my spark of adventure. It was still there. Overall upon leaving the woods, I was very excited that I had taken this little journey into the nature. It had proven to be very fruitful. When you are in a rut do something different. Life is fully of adventure when you come at it at the right angle. Check out part two of day. The Italian restaurant  Part 2 After leaving the woods I arrived in busy Harrogate on a Friday, the Indian restaurant that I wanted to go to was closed so I decided to go to an Italian restaurant. I felt a bit introverted yet I wanted to order my food in Italian from the Server. Mustering up the courage, because I was very new to Italian, I ordered my food. The server came back and I asked him "di dove sei di Italia?" (Where you from in Italy?) he looked at me and said, "I am not from Italy, I am French. " So I quickly slipped into French. An older English couple begin chatting to me because they overheard me saying that I was American to the waiter. I was more surprised that someone had started a conversation with me in England because that rarely seemed to happen but I appreciated it. Usually I am the one starting the conversation.  Upon leaving I said "au revoir " to the waiter who shook my hand and "arrivadeci" to the owner. I realized that I had a bit of a prejudice towards many French people, often when hearing that they were French, not wanting to speak with them. This came from experiences early this year where I had made one French friend and had a French flatmate who I had grown fond of over time. My French friend introduced me to the other French that he knew in Leeds and they acted very friendly towards me at first but when they were together they kinda ignored me quite often. My French French said that the French were often like this. I had many more encounters like this where the French seemed very closed if not downright rude to new to people they didn't know that well. With the waiter I realized I just needed to let go of that. That we wear all different types of mask in life and all these external things we identify with are not our true authentic selves. That these people I have met whether I liked them or not, also have their challenges, fears, desires, positive qualities and negative qualities. To let go of those judgments, that protective armour that keeps us separate and freezes our hearts. To give everybody the benefit of the doubt, take everyone as an individual, that is the goal. I went back to my house and after some blogging I had a chat with my Stepdad. We debated some of these concepts I have mentioned here. Overall it was a very fruitful day and I had many eye opening experiences. Accept people as they are is one great lesson I learned

[mystictruth123456-blog]

let's start with this. My birthday was pretty cool. I felt famous and very proud of myself. I treated myself like a god. I rode my electric bike through the woods at night in high spirits, singing Latino music to the dismay of the Harrogate citizens. Whatever, I can't shut myself up to make the world happy. Next I dined to Indian food until I couldn't eat anymore, even though I bragged about being able to eat plates and plates of Indian food in California. In the beginning one of the staff said "that's a lot of food" yet my inner gobbler took over. My fellow Birthday sharer a very wise middle aged lady from Cali who lives in Mexico explained how your Birthday was a day to day check in with how much you really love yourself. In the bigger picture there are a lot of blessings.  I could have gone to sleep then but I decided to watch interviews with Obama and ex president George w. Bush, about how in the island of Mallorca people were having live sex in the clubs. That some girl to get a free beer had given a blowjob to about twenty dudes. I also watched Russel brand stand up comedy and realized I didn't enjoy it as much as his interviews. For some reason watching all these extra things kinda threw off my energy for the day. The day after my birthday was what I imagined coming down from cocaine must have felt like. A bit shitty. I went from fame to no fame pretty quickly. I woke up late. This added to my feelings of shittiness. I cooked healthy did everything I could but all I kept thinking about was all the times I felt shitty like this. When I lived in Cali at one point, I had a hard time finding work and not the most healthy relationships. I use to wake up in the morning with a sense of hopelessness, wishing I could sleep through my woes. I thought about How I use to stay out late with all the hard knocks, causing a riot, the others just as equally ashamed and confused which didn't help my cause.  Yet I didn't want to live in the past, so I continued doing my daily activities telling myself "I'm not that person anymore, that is the past" Yet that fear of self sabotage, failure, and inadequacy followed me throughout the day like my shadow. The kind of gloom that makes you feel like you will never do anything right and that your future won't be bright. I remember how many years I use to feel like this, it's hard to pretend like the past doesn't still run under the surface. The subconscious has a way of bubbling to the surface at the most inopportune times. I watched myself denying and judging myself for my past, judging even those old friends who were in this space with me. I found myself petrified of falling back in that place Life goes on and I continued to the international language exchange at dry dock in Leeds. The exchange takes place in a boat shaped bar next to Leeds becket university. I didn't feel like socialising much. I had been at my home crying about my mum not being alive and feeling a bit alone in the world.  There wasn't many people when I arrived there at drydock, I hated how the conversation suddenly was superficial. When I've had emotional charged days like today and have to deal with superficiality it often makes me feel worse. Yet I decided to stay way past my due. My Irish friend arrived at some point and cheered me up. We had discussions about women as usual, about people in general, yet the discussion was mostly about women. After getting ignored by a girl who seemed interested in me the week before I realized how it was best just to stop focusing so much on that area of life. I left not too long after and got on the bus. At home the Irish dude and I kept our dialogue about life, how in general the people in England seemed a quite afraid to be different, and that the women were quite, anxious shy and unable to show much emotion  Like robots  That people are like sheep, to be ones self is an amazing quality, most people don't know who they are. Society has many rules  Not everyone fits the same mold I appreciated this text conversation very much. Rarely in England even among the international folks did I have conversations like this. It seemed in many ways like the world was very brainwashed which worried me quite a bit. Yet it is what it is Life teaches the best