#my beloved queer coded middle aged men

[adena-unspoken]

Hmm...

[trinityprocessing]

Helloe my beloved, someone called for Hansry-coded book-recs and since I am the designated librarian of Hansry (because I am in fact a librarian and I like hansry and also I said so) I shall deliver you some.

1. Love Habit by TL Clark

This one is maybe the least Hansry as it is not about knights, but monks. However it is set towards the end of medieval England.

”1485: Paul timidly enters Darenth Priory to avoid marriage. In good faith, he expects to live out his days in chaste devotion to God. But there is temptation lurking within the monastery walls.

For there is also another novice, Luke, who both resembles and sings like an angel. Is he a test? A gift? Paul must decide."

This book definitely belongs in the realm of cozy literature. The author mentioned she wanted to depict a possible happy life for a queer person as it might have happened. And thus we follow a young man in search of a peaceful life, while he finds love on the way.

2. One Night in Hartswood by Emma Denny

If you are traumatised by Hans impending marriage and you love all the fanfic especially, this book might be for you. Full disclosure: I haven't read this one yet though I am planning to.

"Oxfordshire 1360

When Penn and Raff meet in Hartswood Forest the only truth they know of each other is a brief moonlit kiss they had shared previously. But Penn is escaping a life of cruelty, and an arranged marriage to a woman he has never seen. Raff is tracking the elusive missing groom of his sister to restore his family’s honour. Neither are looking for a travelling companion. Yet both men find themselves drawn to each other in ways neither imagined."

3. Scottish Boy by Alex de Campi

I started reading this yesterday night and I am already on page 150. Needless to say it is good, but in my opinion it is also the Hansry book. It just feels like kcd. I am not kidding on page 18 you will find the quote "war is a nasty business". Remind you of something?

"1333. Edward III is at war with Scotland.

Nineteen-year-old Sir Harry de Lyon yearns to prove himself in the war, and jumps at the chance when a powerful English baron, William Montagu, invites him on a secret mission with a dozen elite knights.

They ride north, to a crumbling Scottish keep, capturing the feral, half-starved boy within and putting the other inhabitants to the sword. But nobody knows why the flower of English knighthood snuck over the border to capture a savage, dirty teenage boy. Montagu gives the boy to Harry as his squire, with only two rules: don't let him escape, and convert him to the English cause."

Now while I haven't finished this book yet, I can definitely say that it's not only good, it will definitely scratch the Hansry itch and the kcd itch. The themes are similar and the relationship of a knight and squire, seems very familiar, doesn't it?

All of the books on this list are historical M/M romances in the middle ages and all of them contain spice/explicit content, so be warned about that.

[pink-blue-red-from-everhood-zero]

let this recent hole-inspired posting frenzy be the thing that finally writes my Granblue Rantpost:

I don't trust Cygames because any company taking the concept seriously would've made "Transfeminine Draph" an entire archetype by now.

Like, setting completely aside whether or not Cagliostro and Ladiva are well-written, or even of what form further transfem rep "should take" from a le wokisme standpoint-

Your business model is "girl-of-the-month club", releasing on conservative average 60 characters a year.

You have designed into your high-magic romantic fantasy setting the incredibly mercenary art direction mandate that Dwarves are Sexually Dimorphic between Inhumanly Tall Well-Muscled Minotaur Men and Short Hugely-Endowed Minotaur Women.

You have decided that this is one of the two races you will use for transfem representation.

Now, Cygames had 9 years from Ladiva's release to now to put those three facts together, remember they're trying to poach players from Fate: Grand Order, and realize that they've written a loophole that makes "race of tall busty dommy-mommy Hooters waitresses" a legitimate queer-feminist selling point.

This is very shortly after RWBY! This is almost in the smack-dab middle between the Yang-Xiao Long fandom frenzy and the Remake Tifa Lockhart fandom frenzy, something like 7 years before Street Fighter 6 had public concept art, and Cygames had discovered a way to mass produce tall busty anthro cow dominatrixes and call it a good-faithed promotion of transgender and lesbian rep, which you know they were trying to do because somebody wrote Ladiva in the first place!

As it stands, 9 years later; after 3 Ladiva alts, 5 Narmaya alts, 5 Cagliostro alts, and the introduction of a new race whose gimmick is being fem!Draphs with no tits and dubiously-groomed beards to the fighting game;

the transfem character count sits at 2- one who is named after a historic male alchemist and who is explicitly child coded; and one flamboyantly femme performance artist who is nonetheless voiced by Patrick Seitz No Voice Direction and who has lines written into the story saying "I will not be physically transitioning; despite the presence and extreme ease/effectiveness of gender-affirming care in-setting I have chosen to Respect The Cisnormative Regime's Claim Over My Body."

The first two transfem characters in a setting both fitting into the "unflattering okama" stereotypes of drag and age regression would be acceptable in media with a small fixed cast as two of three.

It'd be laudable if they were two of twelve or more with regular story crossover re: other queer women, and we know they have the resources to do that because they keep playing chicken with the concept.

As a cynical marketing ploy, Transfem!Draph #2: Boobie Boogaloo would've gotten ahead of trends, sold like gangbusters, and become a beloved "problematic fave" of basically anyone who already likes either branch of Granblue's fantasy stereotype dimorphism.

Cygames has done none of this despite repeatedly devoting resources to ideas near the concept, and at this point I have to assume it's naked, contemptuous transmisogyny.

[crazyw3irdo]

☀️🦚🏳️‍⚧️

happy pride beloved mutual <3

happy pride to you too!!!! :3

☀️ - Is there anyone who helped you accept that you were queer? If so, who?

i’ve been lucky enough that even tho i grew up in a conservative rural christian area that i’ve just like. known a lot of queer people. pretty sure i’ve told this story before but the first trans person i ever knew transitioned when i was in elementary or middle school and i just. legitimately thought i had their name wrong the whole time. no one explained it to me until i realized a couple years later. and then you have my mom ( @theaccidentallibrarian ) who’s bi, her best friend is pan, one of her former coworkers is gay, for a long time my neighbors were a gay couple, and in middle school one of my friends came out as bi (hi @sparingiscaring ) and another as ace so i’ve just been lucky in that it’s just always been normal. hell, i thought everyone was bi growing up. i’m not even mspec myself i just figured when i got older i’d be attracted to girls eventually.

🏳️‍⚧️ - What Flag do you think has the best color scheme?

of like, the more “common” labels the trans, nonbinary, and pan flags are very good but. maybe i’m biased but dude look at the toric flag this is so pretty

🦚 - Are there any queer books/shows/etc. that you would suggest?

okay i’m into so many things i’m putting this under a read more

ok disclaimer these are mostly gonna be cartoons/anime/webcomics but man is there a lot. some of these are already tumblr famous but idc

our flag means death - tv show - a romcom between blackbeard and stede bonnet that just got renewed for season two babyyyy!! plus multiple queer background romances too!! many screen kisses between two men!! a nonbinary character that has a romantic interest and whose story doesn’t revolve around them being nonbinary!! one side character has 20 husbands (or. 18 now.) and she loves them all. it’s not even a “this is a world where homophobia doesn’t exist” wish fulfillment thing it’s a “anyone whose homophobic is explicitly framed as in the wrong and is punished for it” wish fulfillment and i love it

heartstopper - tv show/comic - honestly i didn’t buy into the hype and only just started reading the comic and oh my god it’s so good. a heartfelt coming of age between a gay boy whose been outed against his will in the past and a boy who had never questioned his sexuality before and just. idk it’s so nice to see a coming of age romcom but gay

yuri on ice - anime - a sports anime for non-sports anime fans. an ice skater returns home after losing in a competition and while he’s wallowing in his own sadness his idol shows up to his house demanding to be his coach. beautifully animated and such a good story of yuri trying his best to make viktor proud. they never explicitly say they’re dating, but they do exchange rings in a church and they kiss so like,,

what we do in the shadows - tv show - the three main vampires are all into boys and girls (actually thinking on it now i can’t recall if nadja has mentioned being with girls before? but nandor and lazlo definitely are into both) and it is a bit more of casual representation instead of driving the plot, but also,, pretty sure nandor and guillermo will be getting together in season four,,, (also s4 spoilers: pretty sure it’s been leaked that guillermo will get a boyfriend in s4 too, at least for a bit)

ouran high school host club - anime - okay. not explicitly trans but like. every transmasc i’ve ever met has related to haruhi on some level. also haruhi is my go to example when i explain my own label of cassgender since it’s not a common term and just. even without the trans coding it’s hilarious

zombieland saga - anime - more casual representation! a hilarious idol anime in which all the idols are zombies. and one of the zombies is explicitly trans! she was also shown in australian parliament because of this image.

undertale/deltarune & adventure time & she-ra: pop - i’m just assuming tumblr users know what these are

okay i’d done a bunch of descriptions for these but i lost my draft so just. here’s a list of webtoons from most to least representation. …that sounds wrong but by that i mean from main characters being queer to just some side characters

main characters: muted, fluidium, castle swimmer, blades of furry, high class homos, the prince of southland, lovebot, i want to be a cute anime girl, yuna & kawachan

not main characters: luff, love me knot, suitor armor, acception, boyfriend of the dead, gourmet hound

[ckatmyla]

Elsa’s Girlfriend and the Bottom Line [an essay]

It is safe to say that – even nearly six years on from its release – Frozen is still a phenomenon. Despite its over-saturation and the backlash it inevitably faced because of it, Frozen is still a strong film from Disney with great characters, beautiful songs, and a lovely core theme about the power of familial love.

(its only real stumbling block in this blogger's opinion would be its case of 'twist villain syndrome' but we'll just gloss over that for this post.)

Although it is certainly true that this is a film for every age group, it continues to strike a chord the most with kids. I work in a daycare with children ages three to five (most of whom were not even born yet when Frozen was released) and it is still one of the most requested movies for me to show them. They argue over who gets to play as Elsa and Anna during dress up time, and I have even encouraged some of the young boys that it is perfectly fine to like a 'girl  movie' if you like the characters so much.

Even though both sisters in the movie are integral to the plot, and I tend to speak about them as a unit, for most of the kids in my class it's all about Elsa. Literally, they don't even call the movie Frozen, they just call it 'Elsa'.

It brings back memories of that Christmas season in 2013 when I went to the Disney store and all of the Elsa dolls were gone, leaving most of the Annas still on the shelf (which made me quite sad, since I tend to relate to Anna more myself).

It's not a stretch to say that Elsa is not only the breakout character of her movie, but a huge part of its crazy popularity. Everyone knows her, knows her powers, and knows her iconic  song (whether or not they like it.)

She is an icon to so many people across the world, and as such thee are certain aspects of her future in the Frozen sequel that many people would like to have addressed. Will she continue to harness her powers or perhaps learn from where they came? Will she continue to break down the walls she built up around herself to let her sister closer to her? And possibly the biggest and most controversial question: will she ever find romantic love and if so, will it be with a man or a woman?

While there is something to be said about the fact that Elsa is a strong, independent queen who don't need no significant other of any sort (and as previously stated there are other aspects of her story that need to be addressed just as much if not more so than who she's courting), there is merit in the theory and/or hope a good portion of her fans have that she just might be into girls.

While researching for this post, I read two of the children/middle grade Frozen chapter books: A Frozen Heart by Elizabeth Rudnick and A Warm Welcome by Erica David.

In Frozen Heart, we follow both Anna's and Hans' perspectives during the events of the movie, and during one of the portions from Hans' point of view we learn that Elsa has not only done what we have seen her do (close the gates of the castle to her subjects and isolate herself as much as possible) but evidently turned away any potential suitors looking to court her.

And in Warm Welcome, Elsa an co. travel to the kingdom of Eldora where they meet the queen of that land named Marisol and we see from Elsa's point of view that she finds the queen's name beautiful. Now, one could take that however they wanted, but when I showed that part to my friend she said 'Wow Elsa, how very gay of you.”

Then of course there is the queer-coded subtext of Elsa's story. Being told that she should hide her powers and conceal her true self from the world until she is finally able to accept herself in the now forever-ingrained-in-our-brains earworm.

Now the production team of the movie could have spun her story another way to make the powers more explicitly nothing more with no perceived allegory other than 'being different is okay'. BUT one exchange Elsa has with Anna after they meet up again post-Let It Go makes one wonder. She explicitly says that she left Arendelle so that she could 'be who she is without hurting anybody'. That alone colors her powers in a different light, and makes them far much more than a simple  magical ability and closer to the same type of vibe one gets from the subtext of the X-Men.

So, there is definitely some evidence to support the hypothesis that Elsa could be sub-textually queer, but this blog post is centered around the big question: Should it be overtly canon?

While this blogger would be perfectly happy to continue her headcanon that Elsa is asexual (possibly aromantic) and will make it through the entirety of Frozen 2 with no love interest whatsoever, I can also see the other side of the debate.

Most would agree that a female-led animated film hardly ever has a protagonist not fall in love by the end. And when they do they are usually children and so don't need a love interest (Moana and Coraline to name a couple), but they do happen occasionally. Elsa would still be an amazing paragon of female empowerment if she were to remain single, leaving the romantic love story to that of her sister and Kristoff.

BUT what is also abundantly clear is that we have yet to see a main character in an animated film fall in love with a person of the same gender. It would be a game-changer in the worlds of animation and family entertainment, for sure. And while some would say that that type of thing is unsuitable for children to see, most of those people are perfectly fine with the plethora of heteromantic pairs so abundant in animation. (If the argument is that kids shouldn't see romantic love between anyone that would be a different thing, but I have never heard any outcry about that.)

Were Disney even to approach it, there is also the question as to whether or not Elsa is the right character to make that particular story choice. Yes, she is a prime candidate, but as she is one of the most beloved Disney characters possibly ever, there would inevitably be some backlash to her and with that to the Frozen brand (because remember, Disney is foremost all about making money).

The other option some have some up with -to create an entirely new animated film where we star a same-sex couple – has merit as well. It could potentially introduce not one but two new princesses to the Disney Princess lineup and do all of the things that the LGBTQ community and its allies want out of Elsa while giving us a brand new, possibly totally original new story.

This blogger would be completely on board for that as well, but there is also in this idea the possibility of a backlash, or even a boycott. And if the first same-sex animated feature doesn't do well at the box office or in the merch sales, there might not be another one for a long time - if ever again.

Frozen 2 on the other hand – however the quality of the film ends up being – is almost a guaranteed hit before it even comes out. It is sure to rake in both ticket and merch sales by the boatload, even if they do decide to give Elsa a love interest of any gender.

So, the concluding statement should be in favor of giving Elsa a same-sex romantic plotline, right? If they're  going to actually do it, doing it with this movie would pose the least risk to the bottom line.

There is one more thing to consider, however: The story.

One of Disney's adoptive child Pixar's founding rules is that 'story is king'. That means that whatever will make the story as a whole stronger and the best it can be is what should be done for any film.

(However you feel about Pixar's latest outings, that's still one of their philosophies).

So, the real final conclusion of this post/essay is that when it comes down to it, Elsa should have the storyline that best fits the overall plot and make Frozen 2 the strongest movie it can be. They could always just throw in a girlfriend for her with no real thought other than 'they want representation'. That is what inevitably failed the attempt of ABC show Once Upon A Time when they decided to introduce a same-sex romance.

If the very first female-female romance in an animated film is going to happen with Elsa, it needs to feel natural and integral to the story. It can't feel tacked-on just for the sake of having it.

The same could be said of giving her a male love interest, or allowing her to remain single. As long as it fits the story and Elsa remains the wonderful character that so many have fallen in love with, any outcome would be fine.

I'm all for Elsa opening up her heart to new experiences like romantic love, as a fan I want that for her. I want her to stay close to her sister and become more  confident in her powers, and if the story supports it, find love with whomever her heart desires.

In this blogger's opinion though, anything other than a male love interest for her would be preferable. We already have so very many of those stories told already (even in the same franchise). Elsa deserves something different, something as groundbreaking as she is.

Whatever is in store for our Queen of Arendelle, I can tell you I will have my ticket to the first screening I can find of the sequel in order to find out.

[biofunmy]

Polyamory Works for Them – The New York Times

The Look

Having multiple partners can mean more pleasure, but it’s not always easy.

Photographs by Yael Malka

Text by Alice Hines

Produced by Eve Lyons

Through a half-century of sexual upheaval, monogamy has been a curious stalwart.

The tradition of having a single sexual partner is among the only sexual practices liberals and conservatives rarely disagree about. Its blandness belies mysterious origins: Scientists have yet to conclude why prairie voles, much less people, prefer to bond in long-term pairs.

Yet in certain concrete burrows, monogamy’s inverse is on the rise. Jade Marks, a 26-year-old artist and herbalist in the Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood of Brooklyn, recalled a recent post by a friend on Instagram: “Are there any other queers out there who are monogamous?”

That feeling may have something to do with the immediate environment. Most weekends in New York, a smattering of events cater to the non-monogamous. There are lecture series, workshops and discussion groups. There are cocktail hours and meet-and-greets. And there are, of course, parties.

On a recent Saturday night in Crown Heights, an angelic gatekeeper in a pastel harness did her best to assure a reporter that she wouldn’t be a total buzz kill at a private party of 200 mostly straight, mostly non-monogamous New Yorkers. “Just watching is O.K.!” she said outside the site, a loft lit like an infrared sauna. “Have a good time! Stay hydrated! And always ask for consent!”

Inside were some of the happiest-looking sober adults ever seen after 2 a.m. “It’s like ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ meets a Gaspar Noé film,” said a Scandinavian digital artist and recent Brooklyn transplant. He and his girlfriend were attending for the first time; they had read about the party, called NSFW, on the internet.

NSFW caters to the 25-to-35 age bracket, has an all-black dress code and is made up of 60 percent women, according to its founder, Daniel Saynt. Its application for membership requires a social media profile link (“It’s very curated,” Mr. Saynt said) and responses to open-ended and check-box questions (“ultimate fantasy” is a short answer; optional boxes to check include “hedonist,” “daddy” and “label-less”). That may sound like the precursor to a job interview, but the point is to ensure that the needs of attendees are met. Wouldn’t it be nice if other clubs worked that way?

“I don’t think that polyamory is somehow more evolved than monogamy,” said Zhana Vrangalova, a sex researcher who will teach an online course for couples and individuals seeking to open their relationships this fall. “But it should be an option. People should have more options.”

That was a maxim for the two dozen non-monogamous people interviewed for this article. The subjects, who represent a range of ethnicities, sexual orientations, gender identities and professions, agreed on this: For them, more partners means more exploration and more pleasure.

Consensual or ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship models, including polyamory, open relationships, sexual encounters with more than two people and swinging. Polyamorists are interested in exploring long-term relationships with multiple people. Swingers tend to be older couples opening their marriages recreationally.

According to a 2014 Chapman University survey, 5 percent of American relationships identify themselves as non-monogamous. In a more recent survey of single adults in the United States, in 2017, one-fifth of respondents said they would try some form of non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime.

In major cities, there are plenty of ways for non-monogamous and polycurious people to meet, among them apps, dinners, friends, blind dates and parties. In New York, organized sex parties include Chemistry, which requires a Q. and A. application and photo, but doesn’t screen for a particular look; NYC Inferno, a gay play party that mostly attracts cisgender men but is open to queer, trans and nonbinary people (Playhouse, a spinoff event, revolves around trans guys); Skirt Club, a members-only club for bisexual women; and Wonderland, which welcomes everyone as long as they bring a buddy who will vouch for them, and are committed to fantastical dress codes (“Ancients vs. Aliens,” “Dungeons and Drag Queens”).

Now a cottage industry of coaches and educators has cropped up to help polyamorous partners strive for compersion, the happy-for-you alternative to jealousy. Effy Blue, a relationship coach in Brooklyn, works with all of the following: triads, or three people in a committed relationship together; individuals seeking to transparently date multiple lovers simultaneously; partners who each have intimate friends, all of whom are close; and clients cultivating long-term relationships with someone who already has a primary partner.

“There is no single model that suits everyone,” Ms. Blue said. She also wrote a book on play-party etiquette. “Consent is the cornerstone of any well-produced, healthy and fun sex party,” she said. “This makes it safer and more fun than an average nightclub on any given day.”

Ella Quinlan, a 27-year-old event planner, said she knows hundreds of peers on the East and West Coasts practicing their own flavors of non-monogamy. In her own relationship with Lawrence Blume, a 55-year-old tech investor, Ms. Quinlan’s goal is to enhance what is conventionally beloved about monogamy, she said.

“We want to show people that it’s actually possible to be in a long-term, healthy, satisfying, deeply rooted and connected emotional relationship with somebody — and do this,” Mr. Blume said.

It’s not always easy. “There’s a lot of talking, and it takes a lot of work,” said Jade Marks. When Jade began exploring non-monogamy with Tourmaline, Jade’s primary partner, the pair quickly realized they had different expectations: Jade wanted casual encounters, while Tourmaline preferred sustained relationships with multiple people.

It took a lengthy negotiating period. Boundaries helped: Jade and Tourmaline established safe sex guidelines, and a rule of not bringing any partners to the apartment they share, though Jade said they have “a clause” for unexpected encounters.

Some emotions come with the territory. “A lot of us grew up with few of examples of what supportive queer, trans or non-monogamous relationships look like,” Tourmaline said. Among the couple’s queer and trans peers, non-monogamy can sometimes seem compulsory. “It’s O.K. to feel jealous,” Jade said. “It’s O.K. for this to be hard.”

Karen Ambert, 35, met Kenneth Play, a 38-year-old sex educator, three years ago on an art bus that was touring their neighborhood of Bushwick. Two years later, Mr. Play introduced Ms. Ambert, an emergency-room physician, to the man who became her second boyfriend, Geronimo Frias, the co-owner of a parkour gym.

It’s not technically a triad, but a V, as the relationship configuration is known in the poly community. Mr. Play and Mr. Frias don’t date each other, but they do date other people. (Mr. Play employs an assistant, in part to help book his rotating cast.)

Polyamorous for most of her adult life, Ms. Ambert hid it from her colleagues in medical school and residency. “I was always worrying about the next step. How will this impact my education and career?” she said. But recently she has grown more comfortable in her professional standing, and felt ready to come out about her love life too.

Mr. Frias was sitting on a couch at the home of Mr. Play with Ms. Ambert wedged in the middle, basking in the gaze of four adoring eyes.

Sexual repression is at the root of the wider public stigma about non-monogamy, said Narjesi Tragic, an environmental science student in Queens.

But that’s rapidly changing along with “tolerance of different kinds of lifestyles, traditions, religions,” said Orion Starbreeze, Narjesi’s metamour (both date Tiana North, a professional dominatrix and dog trainer, but not each other).

“We’re returning to that nomadic sharing of partners and resources,” Ms. North said. “There’s ride shares, there’s house shares, bike shares — we’re in a sharing generation now.”

Which, for some, is easier to intellectualize than practice. “The biggest obstacle to free love is the emotion we call jealousy,” the sex educators Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton write in the 1997 edition of their book “The Ethical Slut,” which introduced many Americans to the concept of non-monogamy.

One morning, I Skyped with Na’Im Najieb, a 33-year-old author, and Tyomi Morgan, 31, who is a sexuality coach. The two of them have been in an open marriage for a year and a half, and they recommend the use of mindfulness techniques to overcome jealousy.

“Is this really my partner separating from me?” Ms. Morgan said she asks herself when feelings of insecurity arise. “Or am I struggling my own abandonment issues, and needing to clearly express to Na’Im what affirmation I need to receive?”

Instead of jealousy, Ms. Morgan said she tries to think about gratitude and send messages like, “I was thinking about how much I appreciate you,” rather than, “Where are you?” and “Who are you with?”

Ms. Ambert, Mr. Play and Mr. Frias are all members of Hacienda, an intentional sex-positive community in Bushwick. (Mr. Play is a founder .)

Hacienda Villa, one of four locations, is an unassuming brick rowhouse across from an auto-body shop. Below the open concept kitchen-living room where 14 roommates have house meetings about chores, is a basement where events like Learn to Love Oral Sex: Tips from a Real Sex Worker (open to the public) and Second-Base Brunch (members only) are held.

“There’s a lot of sex problems in the world, like harassment,” Mr. Play said of the community’s mission. “We’re trying to engineer a way to coexist and celebrate sex without harming each other.”

He, Ms. Ambert, and Mr. Frias were currently in the process of contemplating a practice new to many of their open-minded friends and acquaintances: raising children.

“We’re in an extremely happy situation, and yet with a future that’s uncertain,” said Mr. Frias, 41, who is discussing starting a family with Ms. Ambert. “Being married and having kids in a V, I don’t know anyone else personally who’s done it.”

The idea was spurred during a conversation between Mr. Play and Ms. Ambert. It started much like any couple’s might, with Ms. Ambert saying she wanted children sooner rather than later, and Mr. Play hesitating.

Then Mr. Frias was in the picture. Like Ms. Ambert, he, too, wants children.

It was precisely her quality of “accepting people exactly as they are,” without trying to curtail their individual desires, that makes talk of such a long-term commitment possible, he said. “I’m not trying to change anything about her, and she’s not trying to change anything about me,” he added.

And those are just the emotional perks, said Mr. Play, who is coming around to the idea of helping raise children who aren’t his own. “Three incomes. Three parents. No one feels like they’re drowning in responsibility,” he said. “And the kid, surrounded by more loving adults.”

“I think this is really beneficial — a good life hack.”

Yael Malka is a photographer and artist raised in the Bronx and now based in Brooklyn. Alice Hines is a writer in New York City.

Sahred From Source link Arts

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[adena-unspoken]

I love how Wilson immediately checks his wallet <3

[adena-unspoken]

[biofunmy]

Polyamory Works for Them – The New York Times

The Look

Having multiple partners can mean more pleasure, but it’s not always easy.

Photographs by Yael Malka

Text by Alice Hines

Produced by Eve Lyons

Through a half-century of sexual upheaval, monogamy has been a curious stalwart.

The tradition of having a single sexual partner is among the only sexual practices liberals and conservatives rarely disagree about. Its blandness belies mysterious origins: Scientists have yet to conclude why prairie voles, much less people, prefer to bond in long-term pairs.

Yet in certain concrete burrows, monogamy’s inverse is on the rise. Jade Marks, a 26-year-old artist and herbalist in the Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood of Brooklyn, recalled a recent post by a friend on Instagram: “Are there any other queers out there who are monogamous?”

That feeling may have something to do with the immediate environment. Most weekends in New York, a smattering of events cater to the non-monogamous. There are lecture series, workshops and discussion groups. There are cocktail hours and meet-and-greets. And there are, of course, parties.

On a recent Saturday night in Crown Heights, an angelic gatekeeper in a pastel harness did her best to assure a reporter that she wouldn’t be a total buzz kill at a private party of 200 mostly straight, mostly non-monogamous New Yorkers. “Just watching is O.K.!” she said outside the site, a loft lit like an infrared sauna. “Have a good time! Stay hydrated! And always ask for consent!”

Inside were some of the happiest-looking sober adults ever seen after 2 a.m. “It’s like ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ meets a Gaspar Noé film,” said a Scandinavian digital artist and recent Brooklyn transplant. He and his girlfriend were attending for the first time; they had read about the party, called NSFW, on the internet.

NSFW caters to the 25-to-35 age bracket, has an all-black dress code and is made up of 60 percent women, according to its founder, Daniel Saynt. Its application for membership requires a social media profile link (“It’s very curated,” Mr. Saynt said) and responses to open-ended and check-box questions (“ultimate fantasy” is a short answer; optional boxes to check include “hedonist,” “daddy” and “label-less”). That may sound like the precursor to a job interview, but the point is to ensure that the needs of attendees are met. Wouldn’t it be nice if other clubs worked that way?

“I don’t think that polyamory is somehow more evolved than monogamy,” said Zhana Vrangalova, a sex researcher who will teach an online course for couples and individuals seeking to open their relationships this fall. “But it should be an option. People should have more options.”

That was a maxim for the two dozen non-monogamous people interviewed for this article. The subjects, who represent a range of ethnicities, sexual orientations, gender identities and professions, agreed on this: For them, more partners means more exploration and more pleasure.

Consensual or ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship models, including polyamory, open relationships, sexual encounters with more than two people and swinging. Polyamorists are interested in exploring long-term relationships with multiple people. Swingers tend to be older couples opening their marriages recreationally.

According to a 2014 Chapman University survey, 5 percent of American relationships identify themselves as non-monogamous. In a more recent survey of single adults in the United States, in 2017, one-fifth of respondents said they would try some form of non-monogamy at some point in their lifetime.

In major cities, there are plenty of ways for non-monogamous and polycurious people to meet, among them apps, dinners, friends, blind dates and parties. In New York, organized sex parties include Chemistry, which requires a Q. and A. application and photo, but doesn’t screen for a particular look; NYC Inferno, a gay play party that mostly attracts cisgender men but is open to queer, trans and nonbinary people (Playhouse, a spinoff event, revolves around trans guys); Skirt Club, a members-only club for bisexual women; and Wonderland, which welcomes everyone as long as they bring a buddy who will vouch for them, and are committed to fantastical dress codes (“Ancients vs. Aliens,” “Dungeons and Drag Queens”).

Now a cottage industry of coaches and educators has cropped up to help polyamorous partners strive for compersion, the happy-for-you alternative to jealousy. Effy Blue, a relationship coach in Brooklyn, works with all of the following: triads, or three people in a committed relationship together; individuals seeking to transparently date multiple lovers simultaneously; partners who each have intimate friends, all of whom are close; and clients cultivating long-term relationships with someone who already has a primary partner.

“There is no single model that suits everyone,” Ms. Blue said. She also wrote a book on play-party etiquette. “Consent is the cornerstone of any well-produced, healthy and fun sex party,” she said. “This makes it safer and more fun than an average nightclub on any given day.”

Ella Quinlan, a 27-year-old event planner, said she knows hundreds of peers on the East and West Coasts practicing their own flavors of non-monogamy. In her own relationship with Lawrence Blume, a 55-year-old tech investor, Ms. Quinlan’s goal is to enhance what is conventionally beloved about monogamy, she said.

“We want to show people that it’s actually possible to be in a long-term, healthy, satisfying, deeply rooted and connected emotional relationship with somebody — and do this,” Mr. Blume said.

It’s not always easy. “There’s a lot of talking, and it takes a lot of work,” said Jade Marks. When Jade began exploring non-monogamy with Tourmaline, Jade’s primary partner, the pair quickly realized they had different expectations: Jade wanted casual encounters, while Tourmaline preferred sustained relationships with multiple people.

It took a lengthy negotiating period. Boundaries helped: Jade and Tourmaline established safe sex guidelines, and a rule of not bringing any partners to the apartment they share, though Jade said they have “a clause” for unexpected encounters.

Some emotions come with the territory. “A lot of us grew up with few of examples of what supportive queer, trans or non-monogamous relationships look like,” Tourmaline said. Among the couple’s queer and trans peers, non-monogamy can sometimes seem compulsory. “It’s O.K. to feel jealous,” Jade said. “It’s O.K. for this to be hard.”

Karen Ambert, 35, met Kenneth Play, a 38-year-old sex educator, three years ago on an art bus that was touring their neighborhood of Bushwick. Two years later, Mr. Play introduced Ms. Ambert, an emergency-room physician, to the man who became her second boyfriend, Geronimo Frias, the co-owner of a parkour gym.

It’s not technically a triad, but a V, as the relationship configuration is known in the poly community. Mr. Play and Mr. Frias don’t date each other, but they do date other people. (Mr. Play employs an assistant, in part to help book his rotating cast.)

Polyamorous for most of her adult life, Ms. Ambert hid it from her colleagues in medical school and residency. “I was always worrying about the next step. How will this impact my education and career?” she said. But recently she has grown more comfortable in her professional standing, and felt ready to come out about her love life too.

Mr. Frias was sitting on a couch at the home of Mr. Play with Ms. Ambert wedged in the middle, basking in the gaze of four adoring eyes.

Sexual repression is at the root of the wider public stigma about non-monogamy, said Narjesi Tragic, an environmental science student in Queens.

But that’s rapidly changing along with “tolerance of different kinds of lifestyles, traditions, religions,” said Orion Starbreeze, Narjesi’s metamour (both date Tiana North, a professional dominatrix and dog trainer, but not each other).

“We’re returning to that nomadic sharing of partners and resources,” Ms. North said. “There’s ride shares, there’s house shares, bike shares — we’re in a sharing generation now.”

Which, for some, is easier to intellectualize than practice. “The biggest obstacle to free love is the emotion we call jealousy,” the sex educators Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton write in the 1997 edition of their book “The Ethical Slut,” which introduced many Americans to the concept of non-monogamy.

One morning, I Skyped with Na’Im Najieb, a 33-year-old author, and Tyomi Morgan, 31, who is a sexuality coach. The two of them have been in an open marriage for a year and a half, and they recommend the use of mindfulness techniques to overcome jealousy.

“Is this really my partner separating from me?” Ms. Morgan said she asks herself when feelings of insecurity arise. “Or am I struggling my own abandonment issues, and needing to clearly express to Na’Im what affirmation I need to receive?”

Instead of jealousy, Ms. Morgan said she tries to think about gratitude and send messages like, “I was thinking about how much I appreciate you,” rather than, “Where are you?” and “Who are you with?”

Ms. Ambert, Mr. Play and Mr. Frias are all members of Hacienda, an intentional sex-positive community in Bushwick. (Mr. Play is a founder .)

Hacienda Villa, one of four locations, is an unassuming brick rowhouse across from an auto-body shop. Below the open concept kitchen-living room where 14 roommates have house meetings about chores, is a basement where events like Learn to Love Oral Sex: Tips from a Real Sex Worker (open to the public) and Second-Base Brunch (members only) are held.

“There’s a lot of sex problems in the world, like harassment,” Mr. Play said of the community’s mission. “We’re trying to engineer a way to coexist and celebrate sex without harming each other.”

He, Ms. Ambert, and Mr. Frias were currently in the process of contemplating a practice new to many of their open-minded friends and acquaintances: raising children.

“We’re in an extremely happy situation, and yet with a future that’s uncertain,” said Mr. Frias, 41, who is discussing starting a family with Ms. Ambert. “Being married and having kids in a V, I don’t know anyone else personally who’s done it.”

The idea was spurred during a conversation between Mr. Play and Ms. Ambert. It started much like any couple’s might, with Ms. Ambert saying she wanted children sooner rather than later, and Mr. Play hesitating.

Then Mr. Frias was in the picture. Like Ms. Ambert, he, too, wants children.

It was precisely her quality of “accepting people exactly as they are,” without trying to curtail their individual desires, that makes talk of such a long-term commitment possible, he said. “I’m not trying to change anything about her, and she’s not trying to change anything about me,” he added.

And those are just the emotional perks, said Mr. Play, who is coming around to the idea of helping raise children who aren’t his own. “Three incomes. Three parents. No one feels like they’re drowning in responsibility,” he said. “And the kid, surrounded by more loving adults.”

“I think this is really beneficial — a good life hack.”

Yael Malka is a photographer and artist raised in the Bronx and now based in Brooklyn. Alice Hines is a writer in New York City.

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