#my anxiety tempers my impulsiveness so if someone says I did something that seems out of character to me

[woundedheartwithin]

I honestly think the worst part about having adhd for me is that folks assume that just because I’m forgetful that means I’m stupid. Like… no lmao

[izvmimi]

cw: fem!reader, reader wears a skirt, toxic/yan behavior obviously, suggestive, minors dni.

“So what’s it like, being the partner of a decorated athlete?”

There are endless camera flashes that months ago would have blinded you, but nowadays, you are so accustomed to them that they barely even register. Nothing is as bright as the white of your perfect rows of teeth - endless whitening treatments and veneers have done their job - and you smile widely, preciously, tilting your head gently to the side the way he’s instructed you to over and over again. 

“Wonderful,” you lie through your teeth. There’s the tiniest bit of a glance you give Shoei through the corner of your eye. He is watching you, as always. “Absolutely wonderful,” you repeat.

“Such a brief answer!” the reporter presses. Her voice betrays the slightest bit of anxiety, pressing you to say something more interesting. Maybe you hear the tiniest bit of envy as she pushes that surely you have more to say given the fact that he appears to be absolutely smitten by you. Does she care to take your place? You wonder. You would gradually give it up after all.

“Oh, well, sometimes when things are too good to be true, you don’t want to speak on them too much!”

You laugh politely and the crowd laughs with you. Shoei’s grip on your hand is tighter but less crushing, and he pulls the back of your hand to his lips and kisses, grinning all the while.

You wish you could kick his teeth in.

There are many words for football fanatics, but no one can really describe the opposite phenomenon that has happened with you and Barou. He, a soccer star, shouldn’t have been able to notice you among thousands of cheering fans, a single smiling face within the sea of admirers. Yet somehow he did, and your life changed accordingly. Immediately. 

The King was always in search of a Queen after all, is something you came to realize, and he’d have her no matter what. It would be even better if he could mold her into what he wanted, for humble origins make easily malleable spirits.

“You hesitated,” Barou states suddenly, within the close quarters of a car, the partition rolled up for privacy. His deep voice is concerningly even, and you can tell an argument is on the precipice.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” you reply sweetly. He prefers this tone to your voice, and you’ve trained yourself to use it for him until it’s secondhand.

Barou’s red gaze is on you, and you try to focus on looking outside the window to look disinterested and casual, but rather it’s because you’re a little afraid to look at him. His temper is one thing. He yells, then he… he cries, but he tells you he has never cried since childhood, and it’s only his love for you that brings him this low. Then he showers you with gifts. Pretty, extravagant blouses and dresses that are too flashy and extravagant, when all you want to do is wear a t-shirt and jeans. Lingerie that is sickeningly innocent looking, far too expensive for the way he tears it off you.

“To say that being my Queen is what you’ve always wanted,” he says. His arm finds its way around your shoulder, his hand cupping the front of your neck. You avoid the impulse to dry swallow.

“I thought you liked privacy,” you reply.

“Of course I do, but I’d rather not these plebes make any assumptions about me. What would I look like if it seems like I can’t satisfy someone like you?”

His fingers stroke at your skin idly, and you remember how terrifying he is when he bullies hotel staff, stylists, assistants on your behalf. You remember the last time he put someone in a chokehold. You remember that he’s more than difficult to work with, he’s a complete tyrant.

“I do make you happy, don’t I?”

If you say yes, will he set you free? Absolutely not. What else will he worship in the confines of his bed? It’s not easy to have a devoted wife, he often laments, and thus he has to make one out of someone like you.

“Yes.”

“I need you to let the world know how happy you are. I give you the best because I am the best, and you deserve the best, isn’t that true?”

You suppress the rebellious part of you that wants to spit in his face.

“Yes.”

He smiles at your lack of fight. You’re tired but all that means is he gets to build you up again. Pulling your face towards him, he kisses you tenderly, dipping a hand into the hem of your blouse.

“Say that you’re mine and I’ll continue to give you the world,” he breathes into your mouth. 

What’s the alternative? You’ve tried enough times to break up with him only to be faced with more and more lavish displays of affection. He’s inescapable and relentless.

“Proclaim it,” he demands as his fingers creep under your skirt. “You’re the only one that’s fit for me after all.” 

Being chosen is not always the same as being blessed.

[band--psycho]

Newt x Reader-I Trust You

Requested by @ausblack : Where she’s like the new (only) girl in the glade and everyone thinks she’s mute because she never said a word since she came up. The only person who she warms up to is Newt and she eventually speaks to him after the first weeks. They start to spend a lot of time together and they eventually fall in love when someone hurts her accidentally and he gets extremely worried/protective.

Third Person POV

It had been almost a week since the new greenie had arrived. This greenie was different from the rest though, for two reasons; the first, was that she was a girl and the second was that she hadn’t uttered a single word to any of the other gladers since she’d arrived. Everyone had tried talking to her but still the girl remained silent. There was a mixture of frustration and confusion aimed towards her amongst most of the gladers, none of them could understand why she wouldn’t talk to them. Some of them even joked that she should be thrown into the maze to see if she said anything; some people meant it more seriously than others. But none of them would dare act on anything they thought, in fear of being thrown in the maze themselves. Not all of the gladers held resentment towards her though, Newt in particular had quite a shine to her and it didn’t take a genius to work out that she’d grown quite fond of him as well, the two of them were often seen together sitting in the treehouse. Not even he knew her name though.

~~~~~~~

It had been two weeks since the new greenie arrived and still no one knew her name; most people just called her greenie, simply because it was the only thing that they could really call her seeing as her name was still unknown.

A select few though, had taken it upon themselves to start calling her Shank, however much to their frustration the name didn’t seem to bother her. No one knew what to do with her, but one thing was for certain; Gally wanted her gone. He didn’t trust her. Nor did he understand her.

“She doesn’t talk!” Gally roared, exasperated with the direction the conversation had taken. His hands flying up into the air in an obvious display of disbelief and frustration. Jaw clenched and nostrils flared he glares at Newt, who only shook his head in response.

“So what? She hasn’t hurt anybody, she does her job,” yes, she seemed different to everyone else, but that didn’t mean she was a threat. Not like Gally was trying to portray her.

“Well you would say that, wouldn’t you,” Gally scoffed, shaking his head with a humourless laugh.

“And what’s that meant to mean?” His tone was biting, and his temper was rising. He knew he shouldn’t give Gally the satisfaction, that he wasn’t worth it but he couldn’t help himself. The need to protect her - to defend her - was staggering, and he found himself incapable of holding his tongue.

“Oh come on Newt, everyone knows you’ve got the hots for her,” the goading bluntness to Gally’s tone was clear as day, and only serve to poke the metaphorical bear. Seeing this Gally continues with a cruel smirk twisting his lips.

“But she clearly doesn’t feel the same, seeing as she hasn’t said a damn word to you either-“,

“Watch it, Gally,” Newt interrupted with a warning look in his eyes, feeling the anger in his veins veil to a new degree.

“Or what? What’re you gonna do Newt?” Gally taunted, squaring up to Newt, readying himself for a fight, making it clear he wasn’t going to back down.

“Maybe if you were thinking with your brain, you’d see how dangerous she is, and that we can’t trust her,” the sneer on his face made the notion of hitting Gally all the more alluring for Newt. The only thing holding him back at this point being his respect for Alby, however Gally was making the idea more and more tempting by the minute.

“Gally, I swear-” before Newt could finish the impulsive threat, a new voice momentarily sliced through the tension, effectively putting a pause on the situation.

“That’s enough!” Alby’s voice boomed, causing everyone in the hut to go silent as he stepped between Alby and Newt, in an attempt to diffuse the situation. When he was happy neither was going to make a move against him, Alba turned to Gally.

“She’s not hurting anyone, Gally, she’s just…different. Perhaps if you were nicer to her, she might feel like she can trust us enough to talk to us,” Alby postulated with an air of finality in his tone.

“Trust? She’s been here long enough that she should be able to trust us,” Gally argued, backing down from any physical altercation, but wanting his opinion on the matter heard and taken seriously.

“Well maybe if you and the others weren’t constantly taunting her and trying to scare her into talking she’d make the effort,” Alba reasoned in response before looking between both newt and Gally and declaring, “We’re done, this meeting is done. She’s staying, that’s the end of it.” And just like that the meeting was over.

~~~~~~~

Y/n was up in the treehouse as normal, watching the sun slowly rise above the trees, it’s golden rays momentarily reaching all across the glade. It was something she’d found herself doing quite frequently since entering the glade, watching the sunrise and the sunset. Not only was it beautiful to see the sun rise and fall behind the trees as day turned to night and night turned to day, but she found that there was something extremely calming about watching it. Newt often joined her when he could, sometimes the two would sit in silence, watching as the scenes changed before their eyes or Newt would talk to her, telling her about his day, what he’d been doing and sometimes he’d tell her stories about his past, what the glade used to look like and how it used to be when he first arrived. She knew he trusted her, trusted her enough to tell her about the time he tried to end it all; tried to end the pain and frustration this place caused.

As the colours in the sky began to slowly change, her mind wandered to what Gally said last night. How she was dangerous and couldn’t be trusted…

“Hey,” Newt greeted as he sat down next to her, his voice drawing her away from her thoughts. She sent him a small smile, studying his features more, His sandy brown hair and his light blue eyes that she constantly found herself getting lost in. He was different to anyone else here. He was gentle and caring, he made her feel like she belonged here. Newt was talking about his daily plans and once again she found herself getting lost in him. In his voice, his eyes. Him.

And before she could even stop the words she muttered “Y/n.” At the sound of her voice Newt instantly stopped speaking only for her to say ‘My name’s Y/n’ her voice was pure and sweet as if it was from heaven itself; so gentle and angelic, Newt thought he’d wandered into a dream but when she felt his hand on his, he knew this was real. A beaming smile came upon his face, one that soon she was mirroring. The two sat together in silence for a while, both of them processing what had just happened.

“What made you decide to talk to me?” Newt asked, breaking the comfortable silence.

“I..um..I heard what Gally said in the meeting,” Y/n answered honestly.

“You know those meetings are private for a reason, right,” he said with a chuckle in his voice as he humorously raised his eyebrows.

“I know, I know...but I wanted to know what he was saying and then I heard you defending me,” realisation dawned over Newt as he thought back to the meeting.

“And then I heard Gally say you have the hots for me,” There it was. Embarrassment washed over him in waves as he tried to work out what to say; yes it was true, he liked her but the last thing he wanted to do was scare her away or make her uncomfortable.

“Y/n-” He stuttered out, searching for something to say.

“Is it true…?” she interrupted, momentarily locking eyes with him until he looked away.

“Newt,” the way she said his name made him feel like he was floating in the air and the soft touch of her hand on his face caused his heart to swell and his cheeks to grow hot as a pink tint came upon. Her hand lightly guided his face back, so they were looking at each other again.

“Yeah, I like you, Y/n,” he admitted, fully prepared for the rejection that was about to hit him, but it never came. Instead the words that left Y/ns lips were, “I like you too, Newt, that’s why I decided to talk to you, I wanted you to see that I trust you..” Newt felt his heart swell with joy at her words, as moved closer towards her and kissed her lightly on the forehead. He put his arm around her, pulling her close as they continued to watch the rest of the sunrise, with smiles on their faces.

~~~~~~~

Thomas’ shouts for help echoed through the glade and seconds later, a terrified Thomas emerged from the forest with Ben chasing him. Y/n attempted to stop Ben in his tracks but before she could even say anything, Ben harshly pushed her out of the way; causing Y/n to hit the ground with a thud. The other gladers,soon gathered and managed to get Thomas away from Ben.Instantly Newt ran to her side, attempting to lift her up slightly, but as soon as he tried to move he noticed the panicked look in her eyes.For a few seconds a pain shot through her head as she tried to focus on the figure infront of her, tried to focus on what he was saying; her blurry eyes could see his mouth moving and she could hear sounds passing from his lips, but she couldn’t work out what the words were, no matter how hard she tried to focus on them. Anxiety washed over Newt as he basically cradled her disorientated form, repeating “Love? Love, can you hear me?” in the calmest voice he could muster, not wanting to scare her. But Alby could see the fear that was burning his closest friend's eyes. Alby silently shooed the crowd around them away, leaving only him, Newt and Clint. After a few moments, Y/ns vision started to focus again, seeing a pair of familiar light blue eyes looking down at her. Slowly, her surroundings began to come back to her and she could feel Newts soft hand on her face, tracing small circles onto her cheek.

“Love? Love can you hear me?” Newt repeated and this time she heard his voice clearly.

“That hurt,” she muttered, quietly groaning as she tried to sit up, slowly Newt, Y/n and Clint all moved to the Medjack hut and after being checked over she was given the all clear, being told that all she needed was rest. Newt never thought he’d find love in the very place he hated. The place he’d tried so desperately to leave before, but as he looked down at Y/ns sleeping form, he felt the butterflies swarming in his stomach and that night, he held her closer than he’d ever done before, whispering into her hair a promise. A promise that he’d always be there to protect her, that he’d never let something like what happened today, happen again.

Tagging:

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[nagichi-boop]

Miya Chinen - BPD Headcanons

Back at it again with the mental illness headcanons. Originally I was gonna do NPD Miya headcanons but then I also realised that Miya displays a few BPD symptoms, so I thought I’d explore that first since I am more familiar with BPD than I am with NPD.

Disclaimer: I am aware that personality disorders like bpd are diagnosed later in life. This theory is more just a casual exploration of the bpd traits Miya displays.

Spoilers ahead

Also, if Ad*m is a trigger for you, maybe skip this one because his name will come up quite a lot in this post and I will not be censoring his name for the remainder of this post.

Without further ado, here’s the headcanons!

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment; (not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

When Miya’s old friends rejected him, he was deeply hurt. From then on he pushes everyone away, instead viewing friendship as a burden more than a blessing, perhaps out of a fear of being abandoned again. When he sees Reki and Langa, he is confused as to why he is suddenly reminded of his past, but my assumption is that he was secretly jealous of what they had as he was alone. Then when Reki stood up to Adam, suddenly his world changed. He started to associate with Reki and Langa more and more, him being especially interested in Reki. He went from considering Reki as inferior to being genuinely concerned about him (more on that in a bit).

Later on though, Reki goes missing and Miya begins to act somewhat cold to others (such as Langa). When he eventually sees Reki, he is deeply upset that he stopped showing up without saying anything. Despite his hurt, Miya tried to put it behind him, instead asking him to come back. Reki refuses and pushes past Miya, who yells out for Reki to wait. Then when he keeps running, he gets upset because Reki has “abandoned” him.

As an extra note, when Adam calls Miya “empty”, he gets deeply hurt by this, perhaps because it feels like the one person who respected him or had any connection with him has seemingly lost interest. Thank you Reki for stepping in ily

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

When it comes to his relationship with Reki and Langa, they tend to fluctuate quite rapidly. At first Miya almost despises them because of how close they are, jealous of their friendship. However after having Reki stand up for him, his attitude towards them shifts. Suddenly Reki is someone he wants to be around, someone he deeply cares about, even if he doesn’t show it very well.

When Reki stops showing up, that’s all Miya can think to ask Langa about and he seems to be somewhat cold towards Langa, whether that’s because he feels closer to Reki or has a suspicion that Langa is why Reki isn’t there. After all, Reki is the one who stood up to him, not Langa.

Then when he finally finds Reki, he is desperate to have him stay. But as soon as Reki runs off, all the good feelings towards Reki drop and Miya calls him a liar. When he comes back, Miya once again views Reki with admiration and care, to the point that he is the only one who is vocally and visibly concerned about Reki during his race against Adam, yelling at Reki to stop and begging Joe to stop the race.

3. Markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Miya views himself as superior to others, likening himself to the hero of the story. When he loses to Langa and is called empty by Adam, however, he seems to have a major shift in perception, perhaps feeling deeply hurt to the point of feeling like he has nothing to offer. Skating is his bragging point, so to have lost to a rookie and be discarded by the person who had expectations of you - that has to do something to your self esteem.

He is shown quite a few times to let down his guard and be more humble, which shows that he doesn’t always view himself above others. For instance, when he told Reki not to skate against Adam, he did so likely out of a mix of concern and low self esteem, not wanting Reki to get hurt because of him (or at least that’s how I see it).

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (eg, spending, s*x, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating); (not including suicidal or self-mutilating behavior)

Miya doesn’t fit this criteria. He tends to think through things a lot more and actually tends to err on the side of caution a lot more than his family peers do.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Again, this one doesn’t really apply. Moving on-

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (eg, intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Miya’s mood can change quite frequently. Let’s take his beef with Langa for example. He starts off feeling confident, viewing the beef more like a walk in the park than an actual competition. Then when he is reminded of his past, he suddenly becomes frustrated and that’s reflected in his increased focus in the beef. When he sees Langa attempting a dangerous move, he stops, immediately calling out expressing his concern for Langa despite previously being cold towards him. Having lost to Langa, Miya becomes upset, then is angered by Reki flicking him. He then becomes overwhelmed and happy (though he doesn’t immediately show it) that Reki promises not to abandon Miya, even laughing at Reki’s antics. When Adam enters and calls Miya empty, his mood immediately shifts to intense anxiety and upset.

In just that one instance, Miya fluctuates between various extremes of emotion - anger, upset, joy - all within a relatively short amount of time.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

When watching the video of Miya practicing, Reki makes a comment that Miya doesn’t look happy. In fact, he tends to put on a fake smile and smug persona when actually he is lonely and hurt. The passion he had for skating has disappeared, but he continues because it’s what he is good at - the people around him can all see that. Despite that, the enjoyment has gone. But when Reki comes around and is soon joined by the others, he seems to enjoy skating a lot more and that emptiness is less frequent.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (eg, frequent displays of temper, constant anger, or recurrent physical fights)

Miya is shown to have quite a short fuse. I don’t really have much of an elaboration, so here’s a small list of sorts of the times he has easily snapped.

His jealously causes him to feel resentment towards Reki and Langa. Remembering his past experiences with his friends also caused him to feel more upset and caused him to be more focused on the beef against Langa. When Langa misquotes something Miya says, he gets angry at Langa, partially out of embarrassment. At the beach when everyone is fussing over Joe, Miya’s annoyance gets channeled into him sabotaging Joe though my theory is he somewhat did this because he noticed Reki was annoyed. As previously mentioned, Miya got mad at Reki for pushing him aside and abandoning him. There’s probably more examples but hopefully my point is made.

His anger never really shows up as physical aggression. It’s usually in the form of insults or showing off with his skating.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

Once again, I have little to no evidence for this. However, it’s possible that Miya’s flashback mid-beef with Langa could have been a form of dissociation as he even comments ‘why am I remembering this now?’ But more likely this just isn’t a symptom he experienced.

x

Anyways, this post was kind of more projection. I think that even if Miya doesn’t fully have bpd, he most definitely has traits of it, the most notable features being about his fears and responses to abandonment (real or perceived).

[bluedemon1995]

Stay True To Yourself!

I read a story about a girl whose boyfriend took her to a swingers party…but neglected to tell her! And of course, that story led me down a very strange rabbit hole until this popped in my head. Ummm, this one has a little bit of a more adult theme - so please read with caution! This is an alternate reality story- obv not canon.

Katie Holt sat in the car feeling a niggling sense of unease that she cannot dismiss as hard as she tries to shove it down. She tries to narrow down the cause, thinking and analyzing as is her nature. Is it because she hasn’t been dating Mark very long and he picked her up roughly an hour ago. In fact, if she was honest, this was probably the longest amount of time she’d actually spent in his actual company. Previously, it was mostly online chats then a couple of in person short lunch coffee dates. But they were maybe twenty minutes. Is it because they are going to a party and she typically does not enjoy parties? Or maybe it’s because he’s the only person she’d know from this party, and she hates being dependent on anyone. She’d much rather rely on herself.

Regardless of the cause, she tries to shake off the feelings and enjoy the moment. Live a little in the real world like Allura said as she was helping her getting ready. Actually, if she was honest, this was the second novel experience of the day since having a friend come over and help her get ready for a date was a first as well. Yesterday, when she absently mentioned that she could not go to the movies tonight because she was going to a Christmas party with Mark, Allura got so excited. She immediately made plans to go shopping and offered to come and help me get ready. She was honestly more excited than I was but it was nice to have someone care.

Which was nice because her mom and dad had a work Christmas party to go to and her brother was on a date himself. It was nice for Allura to come over and help her out. In spite of the make up, dress and dating tips, she had a good time. Allura was only a couple of actual years older than but in experience she was decades ahead of her!

This year, partly due to their project at work, she’s gotten closer to some of co-workers or team. It’s been a nice change since high school and college where she was mostly alone except for her family and their friends. She loved feeling like people got her sarcasm, her references well, just HER. It was nice to have people who made her stop working to eat lunch or heck, even remembered to check to see if she left work for the day. Slowly but surely her team had become her friends.

Which all leads her back to a few moments ago, when Mark parked and got out of the car, stopping at the hood to wait for her. He looks impatient but whatever, she needs to take a minute alone to get her self under control. Her nerves hit a high point but deciding this was as good as it gets, Pidge stands and walks to the him, impulsively reaching out and holding his hand. It was dark and snowy, she definitely did not want to fall on ice as they walked up! How embarrassing!

He seemed surprised by her hand but quickly pulled her close, “Hey so, this is a special party and I’d really appreciate it if you kept an open mind, think of it as an of it as an experiment.”

Pidge felt like a five alarm bell was suddenly going off at the conclusion of that sentence. FUCK! What was he talking about?!? Why would he say something like that now? It was akin to setting a bomb and saying, do not look at the timer.

While Pidge is having an internal panic attack they walk in-no knocking just walk straight in the door. She doesn’t see anything right off the bat that concerns her. There’s a table where keys were thrown, shoes piled in the front hall and music playing. It was a really nice house, set in one of the fancier subdivisions of the area. Pidge was trying to keep calm but she was annoyed that he’d state something like that as they were walking in the door! What about beforehand so she could of decided?!? And he really didn’t tell her anything, which is worse than knowing.

He takes his shoes off, she does the same. Hesitating, he turns and pulls her towards the kitchen. “Drink? What’s your poison?”

Pidge sighs, beer seems safe and not like she’s going to be drinking much of anything after that bomb he dropped walking in. “Beer is fine, I’d like light if they got it.”

He nods and goes towards the coolers lined up along the wall. Pidge does what she does best, fades into the background and observes the room carefully. The lights seem dim and she could see out the patio doors that more people are out there by the pool. She squints, maybe it’s the just the glare…but are those people naked?!?

Mark comes back at that time with a draft beer which means I won’t be taking a drink of it. Why wouldn’t he give me a bottle or can that I could open myself? I’m quiet and watch Mark take in the party. I wonder who he knows? Suddenly, I look at a pretty girl in a Mrs. Claus outfit who comes up to Mark. She smiles brightly, and proceeds to lock lips with Mark, wow. She’s actually impressive with her ability to wrap around him like a snake yet keep her hand with her drink still, not spilling a drop. I’m actually impressed! My eyes dart around the room, trying to gauge what the hell is going on here. Why would he bring me here if he already has girl???

Finally she breaks off and slides over to me, “Hi, Danni with an I, wanna make out?”

I blink, rapidly, “Um, no, I’m good, but, uh, thank you for the offer though.”

She smiles, “Okay! If you change your mind I’ll be around!”

She flounced away and I looked to Mark, quietly questioning, “Exactly what kind of Christmas party is this? Why am I even here?!?”

He chucked, “It’s a swingers party and you can’t come alone. You NEED to bring a date, you know for the numbers. C’mon, this will be fun.”

I look at him feeling myself turn red. “Wait a minute, I bought a fucking new outfit for this?!? I put goddamn makeup on! You fucking asshole! Look, I could give two shits about what you do, honestly, we aren’t involved like that but why involve me? Could you not find someone else to bring? For fuck’s sake!”

Mark stared at me, having the NERVE to arch a brow, “Cursing really? You know swearing is for people not intelligent enough to come up with a better word. Besides, don’t be a prude, look walk around and find someone you find interesting or hot. There are a lot of people here, like it’s not that hard.”

I close my eyes and as bad as I want to hit him, curse him out, I refrain. Oh, he will pay, just later when there aren’t about a hundred witnesses who can fill out a police report. I take a breath and walk away, back to the front door. I look at the keys, but they all look the same, how would I know which is which. I guess I could take them all but what if someone wants to leave. I step out to the front steps.

Honestly, this could not have happened on a worse night. I can’t call Matt, he’s finally on a date with his current dream girl and my parents at that work party. I close my eyes, take a breath to reign in my anxiety that is sky rocketing and first I try Allura. But, duh, she’s at the movies with Romelle and probably turned her phone off. Shit. My eyes fill with tears but I refuse to let them fall. I take a deep breath, trying Hunk instead another coworker. Straight to voicemail. Shit he might be sleeping.

I look at my contacts and realize, I don’t have a long list of people to call. I sit and sigh, okay no matter how embarrassing I could always get an Uber. I schedule one but because I’m so far it will take about an hour. I walk around to the back and sit on a chair in the dark corner of the backyard. Sitting, I let my finger hover over the last name to try. Here goes nothing. Hanging up I text a short message. What the hell do I have to lose at this point.

I sit. And sit. I don’t know how many girls and guys I rebuff but something about a person not wanting to hook up makes people want to hook up with you apparently. Jeesh, in my real life, no one wanted to date me now everyone was trying to have sex with me. WTF?

Sighing I look at my phone, and crap, it looks like all my surfing has killed my battery. Suddenly a very naked Mark and a different Mrs. Claus come up to me.

Mrs. Claus giggles out, “Hey if you’re nervous, you could totally hook up with my husband. He’s the hot elf over there, standing on the edge of the pool and hot tub. It will be fun! Then if we like, we could continue next week!!” She giggles a lot and I try not to be rude.

“Thank you for that kind offer, but I’m good.”

She shrugs, “Sure thing baby, but aren’t you bored. Marky said you were shy and um, a novice. Don’t be afraid.”

Mark turns and Pidge can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. Only for some guy in his boxers to edge into her space. “Darlin’, you-me-, it’s written in the stars baby.”

I groan, “Nope. You misread them, thank tho.”

Usually once I say no, they just move on. But nope, not this one. “Don’t be a prude. Sex is very natural. It’s elemental. It’s like essential. You need me baby!!”

Really, that’s his line? I shake my head no, but now we’ve got a crowd. I hear people interject how I’m falling into societies lanes and I must be a virgin because I’m sitting by myself. Then I hear people say I should be grateful and oh my gosh, yep, I’ve been transported back to high school. Except I’m not a self conscious kid anymore and I don’t give a fuck what they think about me. But, I’ll be damned if I don’t respond. No one pushes me or pressures me to do something I don’t want to. And I’ve never just gone with the crowd cuz it was easier, not then, not now.

I hear a roar and suddenly all attention is lost on me. I decided to leave before my temper actually erupts. I quickly move towards the gate to get the hell out of here. I’d rather walk home then stay here. Fuck Mark and his party. I might actually brainstorm with Allura and Romelle on a way to get back at him. Something embarrassing.

As I walk away I hear Mark yelling my name, “Katie! Katie! Don’t walk away! You need to expand your senses and life. Don’t be scared. There is so much I could teach you. Don’t be such a prude!”

Laughter.

Well fuck him. Now I’m pissed. I’m not scared. I just don’t want to do this. Yet, who does he think he is telling me what I should do. As if. And what if he did this to other girls, who weren’t able to say no? I turn around and calmly but loudly state, while looking straight at him, “Look, don’t act like I’m the scared one. Who didn’t tell me where they were taking me. If this was a scene I was into, fine. And believe me, I will sleep with whoever I want. I just don’t want to sleep with you nor do I have anything to prove to anyone. But if and when I see a guy or girl for that matter, that I’d like to fuck, then I would. So, shut up, cause Marky you’re just not it.”

I could hear murmurs and then Mark yelling, and his feet slapping on the ground. Ughhhhh. One thing I could be thankful for is seeing him naked, cuz ick. He has no muscle definition and oh my God, I cannot wait to tell Allura how he looks like he waxes cuz he has no hair anywhere on his body.

I turn to walk away and see a guy who I have HAD the luxury of day dreaming about striding towards me with an shit eating smirk. Well, shit, of course. My eyes closes but it doesn’t stop my from seeing him behind my eyes. His hair is slightly matted from his helmet which means the roar must have been his Harley. He has one of his many black t-shirts on with his favorite leather jacket over it. His jeans are well worn and faded not those designer ones that only look used. He has on his riding boots, which of course give him another inch or so of height. Which he loves. Opening my eyes I see him about 6 feet away and I see he still has his riding gloves on.

I determinedly walk towards him only to hear Mark scream, his feet slapping, or at least I hope it’s his feet. He yells, “Yeah right, you prude-like you would ever-“

I reach said hot guy and say, “I’m kissing you in two seconds. One, two.”

I fist my hand in his shirt and pull him closer to me. Except he doesn’t move, so I look up into his eyes and arch a brow, he arches his, which causes me to roll my eyes and I open my mouth to tell him to go to hell when grins. With his hands on my hips pulls me into his hard body, throwing me off balance. I slip my arms around him lift my head and his lips slam onto mine. Ok, point proven. Yet, as I lean back to break the kiss, I feel two arms encompass me, hold me close and reposition me.

His mouth re-angles on mine, I feel myself lifted on my tip toes. Omg, the heat of his body is amazing. I didn’t even realize I was cold sitting out here but against his body I felt like was next to a heater. His tongue pushes past my lips and, well, I stopped thinking for a full minute, hell maybe minutes. It was that good of a kiss. Shit. His tongue stroked mine, made me shiver and then he nipped my lip causing a groan. I literally could feel him smile and I was going to move back when his hand fisted in my hair and he started to kiss my neck and holy crap! I think my knees buckled but it didn’t matter because he picked me up and my legs were suddenly wrapped around his waist. His hands were supporting my weight but I think they were actually under my dress. My hands were in his hair and digging into his shoulder respectively. Well. Hell.

I don’t know how long that went on for when suddenly I hear Mark right next to us yelling, “That’s enough.”

Slowly pulling back, his gravelly voice questions, “Outta here or are we continuing the show? Just to be clear, I’m good with either decision.” He then arches that fucking brow.

Face flaming, I whisper, “Let’s go. Please.”

Eyes on me, he nods. “What’s asshole’s name?”

“Mark.”

Nodding he raises his voice, “Hey Mark, fuck off and if I ever see you again, you’re dead.”

A girl in just a string bikini bottom steps in front of us, drawing our attention. Her hand is gliding down her chest when she looks right at him, throatily murmuring, “Wanna upgrade?”

He laughs, “Um already did. Let’s go Pidge.”

He moves his hands and I lower my legs. He instantly laces his fingers with mine and pulls me to the path back to the front. “Keith! You can’t say that! You know about Mark being dead meat.”

“Just did.”

“Why, what, are you even doing here?”

As he places his helmet on my head and carefully tightens the straps, “I saw Shiro’s phone buzz, so I looked. It seemed like something that couldn’t wait. So here I am.”

Blinking I nod, “Okay. I said I had an Uber coming.”

“Saw, don’t care. I, um, didn’t like the idea of you being here when you didn’t want to be. So yeah, deal.”

“But why didn’t you respond?”

“I pinged your location to my phone and left. Didn’t think about it honestly.”

“What if I was gone?”

He shrugged as we approached his bike, which was on the lawn! “As long as you were safe.”

He then takes off his coat, slipping it around my shoulders, “Arms in, it’s cold when we start moving.” Eyes on her legs, fingers play with her skirt, brushing her thighs. “I can’t do anything about your legs though. Let me know if you need a break. We can stop as often as you need.”

I nod, and as we drive into the night, my arms tight around his waist, I can’t help but smile. Keith Fucking Kogane. Damn this boy can kiss. Maybe there is hope for my love life after all. I feel his hand cover my hand on his abdomen, squeeze and drift down to my leg. I squeeze him a little tighter and I know it’s just my imagination but I swear I can hear his laughter.

My hero.

[bugmomwrites]

Bloody Knuckles (Satori Tendou x GN!Reader)

A/N: My first time writing for Tendou! He was definitely one of the more multi faceted characters I’ve seen thus far, and I wanted to portray him in a way that wasn’t just an unhinged crackhead and it turns out I’m soft for The Weird Ones With A Heart Of Gold so...yay? 

Give this song a listen while you read!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8GwUos_Mtw&list=LLMufVjq3gMI8bOOKLeFGq4g&index=257

If this takes off and enough people ask/comment/reblog I may write part 2 but no promises

TW: You break someone’s nose so a little blood? You can throw a mean punch in this one. Do with that what you will.

“Hey, I’m sorry for worrying you. Semi kind of exaggerated over the phone but I swear I’m fine.”

Silence.

You gulp. Tendou has already thanked the nurse for cleaning your cuts, and offers to wrap the last couple bandages. Sensing you two needed to be alone, she gives him the roll and quietly tends to the others. The several wrappings on his own hands must have been enough of an indication to them, seeming to say I know what I’m doing! I’ve done this before!, and it wasn’t like it was anything major. If it was something more graphic, say, a gun wound, they might have done it themselves. But here he was, wrapping you up with a level of care and intimacy reserved only for you.

How on earth did he let this happen again? You had been on your way to the gym around the same time he usually finished practice so the two of you could walk home together and hang out after school. Nothing out of the ordinary. You even had his varsity jacket on to block out the chilly autumn breeze, grateful that the sleeves were long enough to go well past your hands. His number 5 stitched onto the back was just the icing on the cake, and you wore it with pride.

Except today had been a little different.

As his s/o, you were very well aware of his past experiences with bullying, how he was labeled a “monster” by his peers; excluded from activities and singled out- sometimes even by the teachers. And while he had initially grown from the experience, feeling much more confident not just with age but with you becoming a vital part of his life as well, that didn’t mean he’d completely forgotten it either. Even though it was much less common in high school, there would still be the rare few that had something nasty say about him, but you didn’t think you’d ever witness it first hand in your third and final year.

As luck would have it, your “good behavior” streak came to a screeching halt when you heard snickers coming a little ways behind you. Frowning, you turned your head just in time to see a cluster of what looked like a few college kids from the team Shiratorizawa practiced against. You wondered briefly what was so amusing to them, when the shortest of the three beckoned you over. Hesitantly, you followed to where they were, just a couple yards away from the gym entrance.

“Can I help you?”, you asked curiously. One of them nodded, leaning down a bit and spoke.

“Yeah, we couldn’t help but wonder- are you dating the infamous Guess Monster of Shiratorizawa? The number on your back looked familiar.”

“Oh you mean Tendou! Yeah, he’s the greatest. Have you guys met him?”, at this they all exchanged incredulous looks before bursting into laughter. You faltered, half expecting that these guys were maybe friends of his, or at least on good terms. Anytime someone would ask you about your boyfriend, you were used to gushing about him to anyone who would listen, so this mockery was unprecedented. 

“Looks like even the Yokai scored a s/o before you did after all, Katsu. Pay up.” The one named Katsu groaned, but reached into his wallet nonetheless and handed over a few paper bills. At this, you frowned. Who the hell did they think they were, speaking so poorly about the man you loved with your whole heart?!

Indignantly, you huffed are them, demanding to know what kind of beef they had with Tendou. They glared down at you, retaliating with some judgmental comments. You couldn’t even remember how it escalated; whether it was a gradual build up or one sole thing that sent you from 0 to 100, but before you knew it hands were being thrown, and the little voice in the back of your mind warning you about utterly stupid you were acting was ultimately silenced.

Being outnumbered, and not to mention much smaller it wasn’t hard for them to land a couple hits on you. Unbeknownst to you Semi passed by the commotion just in time to see two of the guys comforting their friend, who was now holding a bloody nose.

This would have been the perfect time to make your getaway, but after you heard the words “psycho bitch” there was nothing in your veins but pure unadulterated rage, and any momentary relief Semi may have felt at the prospect of the scrap winding down, was shot down almost instantly.

He wasn’t too sure who he should be more worried for, but getting in the middle of it wouldn’t end well for anybody. The sight of maroon blotches on the concrete and smearing over all four of you sent him into a mild panic, as he turned the corner and dialed 911.

“Yeah, Shiratorizawa Academy. Just outside the gym. Thank you. Please hurry.”

He still had one more call to make, although he wasn’t sure if he could do it. Steeling his nerves and swallowing any anxiety that got caught in his throat he tapped the green call button. The dial tone sounded for fifteen long seconds before a cheerful voice finally greeted him on the other line.

“Semi-Semi? I’m right inside. Did you forget something after practice?”

“Tendou! It’s Semi. Hurry outside, it’s urgent.”

“I think the last time I decked somebody on your behalf was before we got to Shiratorizawa. Middle schoolers are ruthless”, you chuckled nervously, hoping to get some sort of reaction out of him. When he still didn’t respond, you cleared your throat.

“Tendou?”, you speak again, but this time your voice is much softer. Much more uncertain. As if you’re afraid to raise your voice out of fear of one or both of you breaking. With a shaky sigh, you reach a newly wrapped hand under his chin.

“Satori.”

This time, his face lifts into your view, and you don’t miss the way his brows furrow with worry, or the way his lips tremble as glossy eyes avert your own. A heavy hand is placed over yours, thumb rubbing gentle circles over the back of your palm.

People had always told you that one of these days that temper of yours would get you into trouble. That was one other difference you had with Tendou- your boyfriend was nicknamed the “Guess Monster” on and off the court, the title coming from his hyper observant nature and uncanny ability to easily read the people around him at a moments notice. Tendou was strategic, often analyzing even the most mundane from seemingly every angle, running the possibilities through his brain before executing a final decision.

You on the other hand? You were impulsive, brash, the patron saint of “act first think later”. You were prone to getting caught up in the moment, and being much more volatile than your romantic counterpart. That mentality, coupled with your loyalty and strong sense of justice was the perfect storm for leading you into scenarios much like this one. 

Sure, you had scared off bullies for Tendou before, and every time he would hug you tight and tell you to “be more careful next time”, and just like clockwork you’d be on your best behavior for all of a week or so before inevitably relapsing back to instinctive rage. The cycle would continue, and for a while spats like these became less frequent, much to Tendou’s joy.

This was not “just another spat”.

Instead of relieved affection and that familiar grin you knew and loved, the back of the ambulance was deadly quiet, save for the EMTs bustling around outside.

His name still hung in the air, and before you could say anything else you felt warm droplets rolling onto your newly wrapped hands. One by one teardrops soaked through the fabric in the form of little dots, and your heart dropped as the harsh reality set in. 

Tendou Satori was crying. Your lovably goofy, sweet boyfriend, who you swore to protect from all the vile comments. From all the evil in the world. From any and all things that would make him cry.

But this time, it was because of you.

In your crusade of being his metaphorical umbrella in the harshest storms raining from above, you had neglected to notice the muddy puddles below, leading him right into them while he faithfully believed in you. 

Those kids might have been calling Tendou a monster, but now? The title seemed to be more fitting for you. You had to fix this. You had to bring that smile back. You were the only one who could bring back the sun from the dreary raincloud that hung over the both of you.

“Tori, baby... look at me.”

After what seemed like eons, teary brown eyes met (e/c) ones. You wondered how it was possible for them to look so shiny, and yet so subdued at the same time. There were originally so many apologies and words running through your head that you had planned, each one thought out carefully enough to make Tendou proud. You wanted to tell him all of it, while putting some sense of comfort in knowing that you were trying to express your feelings with words (and not impulsive actions) that you pondered. That you came up with. That you considered before speaking, for once in your life.

But as soon as you made eye contact, they disappeared into thin air. Every mentally rehearsed statement, gone. So  you rested your forehead against his in a silent apology. Words would fail you, and as much as you wanted to be just as eloquent as Tendou, the small gesture seemed to do more than a million I’m sorry’s ever could.

So the pair of you sat on the stretcher in a silence that seemed much less suffocating now, forehead to forehead, and kissing away tears.

After several minutes had passed, Tendou leaned into your hand some more, and turned to lay a kiss into your palm. 

Now it was your turn to tear up a little. After seeing firsthand the kind of harassment your boyfriend went through on a daily basis, you knew you had to be strong for his sake. The reasonable part of you told you to not pick a fight with certain people, no matter what. That there was no shame in taking the high road. But then you’d remember all the times he’d come home dejected and hurt, and the indignation that came with people so casually dragging his name through the mud, having no idea just how much words hurt. 

Being “his protector” was taxing, and you realized that, while you’d do everything in your power to keep that smile on his face, sometimes you needed to let him be there for you too. As equals.

The tears were now dried up, no words needed as the walls of the tiny ambulance began to feel less restricting. Much like a sun shower, it wasn’t completely better yet, but it was obvious things were on the mend, at the very least. There was always a short window of time during a rainstorm where the sun would peek out, despite the last few drops of rain not disappearing completely. Moments like these- where the sadness was still lingering, but took a backseat to make room for relief, bittersweetness, and love- were where a rainbow would shine through. This purgatory was beautiful, yet ephemeral, and if you didn’t embrace it quickly enough it would fade away.

And with that, Tendou took a page out of your book and kissed you sweetly. It took you by surprise at first, but before too long you were melting into it. Vulnerable, but filled with a new kind of strength.

Pulling away as you remembered the ambulance doors were still half open, you attempted to reach to pull them shut. Alas, Tendou was a master at reading people, but most especially you, and you two were closed off from the rest of the world with a satisfying click.

Using this window of opportunity where his guard was down, you pulled him back down to your level for a longer, steamier kiss as you card your hand through his hair. You could almost feel him smirking against you, and in that moment you knew your sunshine was here to stay. After a few moments of shared breaths, mingling tongues and wandering hands, you finally separated and took in his dishelved appearance. Although, you were certain you didn’t look much better.

“I know I’m not as good with words as you are, but I’d love to apologize properly...maybe with actions?” 

His eyes softened, lifting both of your bandaged hands in his to his lips as he tenderly kissed your bruised knuckles.

“I’d like that.”

.

TAGLIST: @narutos-fat-meat @introloves @kzumesknma @lotsofangst @xsweetbutsaltyx

Send me an ask or a message if you want to be notified of future stories, and I’ll add you to the list!

[filbobaggins]

Reflecting on anger

I have been looking back recently and trying to piece together how my childhood built me into the man I am today, really reflecting on all I have been through as I try to unlearn the things I’m still trying to find out where I learnt in the first place. When you look at people with mental illnesses, you often find lives filled with traumatic events and hardship, however I would argue this is not my experience and yet I’m not even the only one among my siblings who has struggled with mental illness in some form. It almost feels unfair that I still suffer without as obvious a cause as many people seem to have.

But I’ve done some exploring and there’s certainly things in my past I can learn from, starting with my experiences of anger. A lot of people would be surprised, have been surprised, to find out that I used to be very bad at controlling my temper back in primary school, to the extent that I actually got into a good bit of trouble. People nowadays point out how chill, calm and laid back I am, even my own mum did before I revealed I was actually suffering with anxiety. How did such a change occur then?

Well, I’ve never been the strongest child physically and have also always been the smart and nerdy kid and back in primary school I did get bullied. And so, as any kid would do, eventually I would get pushed over the edge, I would get angry and I would fight back. But, the problem was, weak as I was, I was unable to hurt anyone the way they were hurting me and if anything that just made me even more angry. It just didn’t feel fair. And then, as a consequence of my anger I would get in trouble with the school even though I was the one being bullied. I suppose in a way I was teaching myself that standing up for myself, doesn’t work.

The tipping point came when my mum threatened to send me to anger management classes if my behaviour didn’t improve. I don’t blame her for this, she only wanted to help, and despite not always understanding me, my mum and both my parents have been nothing but supportive my whole life. Perhaps they have sheltered me too much but that is something to talk about another day.

Anyway, given this ultimatum by my mum I made it a mission to learn to control my anger, and I did. But maybe too much. I think this is the point in my life where I really began to become the passive person I am today that does everything to avoid and prevent conflict. Genuinely, I don’t even find it difficult anymore to suppress my anger and not get aggressive in different situations and honestly, I’m proud of that and I enjoy being the voice of reason that everyone turns to after an argument to smooth things over. But the truth is, by becoming this passive, I have become someone who refuses to fight for what they want and make decisions and take risks or anything like that. I can still get angry or impulsive in the moment sometimes, when I do I am often more passive aggressive than aggressive (which honestly can be more annoying as people who use passive aggression often provoke aggression out of you to make you feel like the bad guy. Again another story for another time), but I’m not saying I never am impulsive. However, the second I have time to think about something or control myself I will almost habitually just suppress any of my own needs to try to satiate the needs of any other party involved in the situation and keep things calm. When I do and did get angry it was often really projected internally even if it did cause outward aggression and I really hurt myself with that. I don’t want to go back to that person but maybe there are things I could learn by being more assertive.

When I first experienced a group anxiety management course through the NHS the session on assertiveness was the one I disregarded the most because I still struggle to feel there should ever be any need to get angry in any situation. And the truth is I still believe you can get your voice heard without being aggressive but the fact is, I often don’t let my voice get heard at all, and that is something I want to learn to improve, starting by not putting so much pressure on myself to not cause conflict and make my views heard.

My own experiences aside, anger is a difficult emotion. It served us well back in the days we had to fight to survive but nowadays it is an emotion that can really do some damage. And often we grow to dislike people that get angry and aggressive towards us and can’t control their anger which only makes us more upset with ourselves when we feel angry. The truth is feeling angry is normal and there is nothing wrong with it. We should try not to let it control us and cause pain to ourselves and others but we should let it motivate us to say, not shout, how we truly feel sometimes. Having an aggressive presence in our life can be really scary and upsetting and anger when directed at us can always cause feelings of guilt and blame. When we are more sensitive than most anger can really hurt us and it is why we become unable to direct it at others because we don’t want them to hurt like that. Many other people though are less hurt by anger and actually sometimes require a bit of aggression towards them to realise they have upset someone and know to apologise. Not everyone is aware of others emotions as those with mental illnesses often can be.

I suppose, it’s all rather complicated really, as we humans often are. Everyone has unique childhoods and may have many different experiences to mine, even if it led them down a similar path. Everyone has different limits of what they can cope with emotionally and what they can express emotionally and understand others’ emotions. I think the key is to just try to be understanding and learn from others and while we should not let our anger control us, perhaps it is okay to not always be passive and to accept that we have needs (and wants - you don’t have to need something to fight for it) too and deserve those to be met.

Key ideas:

Being more assertive can help you be understood and get your voice heard.

We shouldn't let anger control us but it is normal to feel angry sometimes

Being passive may be kind but don't let it stop your needs being met

[capricornus-rex]

Stronger Than Blood (3)

Not a witcher fic, the gif just fits the mood

Chapter 3: Impulses | Cal Kestis x Reader

Requested by Anon

Summary: Meeting another Force-sensitive was one thing, but having them related to one of the most formidable known duelers was a whole other story to tell. While being stranded in another planet after barely escaping the Haxion Brood, Cal crosses paths with someone who’s at a crossroads with their own identity and lineage.

Tagging @ayamenimthiriel​ since they asked in Chapter 2′s comments section ;)

Also posted in AO3

Tags: Force-User! Reader, Force-Sensitive! Reader, Sith-Related! Reader

Chapters: Part 1 | Previous: Part 2 | Next: Part 4 | Masterlist

3 of ?

Cal went back into the city, preparing for his stroll into the inner district with you. He entered Tundu’s shop again, he was half-expecting you to be already waiting by the counter but to no avail. Footsteps were followed when the hinges of the door stopped squeaking.

You were clad in a poncho, you smiled upon seeing Cal wearing the same article of clothing. The only difference is that yours was long enough to reach your knees.

“Awesome, we have the same cover,” you quipped.

When Cal saw you pull up the hood upon exiting the store, he followed suit.

“Stay close,” you warned within his earshot.

“Don’t worry, I plan to,”

Staying under the broad daylight and going together with the crowd was a good tactic, but Cal felt the growing tremors in your body the farther you got away from Tundu’s store. He’d catch glimpses of you—cautious yet calm in demeanor but deep inside you’re sweating bullets, hanging your head low as you pass by the loiterers who may know your face. Cal was under the impression that you’ve been to this part of town more than once. It doesn’t take a genius, after all, he had survived a similar environment for roughly five years.

As soon as the shadows have towered over the streets, your shallow breathing rasped through your lips, avoiding the eyes of the many bystanders grouped together at storefronts; you felt Cal’s arm brush against yours, causing you to flinch and shoot a glance at him.

“What? You said stay close,”

You wonder where does this boy find his smug confidence within himself and use it so casually. Whatever the answer was, it was a question for another time.

This part of town has always been a catalyst to your anxiety growing tenfold. It’s become an unconscious habit of yours to keep your fists clenched, as if repressing something that you can muster but cannot control. The chances of you getting jumped lingered with every step, so you find a way to distract yourself.

“Tundu says that you need a mechanic?” you began.

“Yeah, well, it’s just me and the captain who’s gonna be working on it. It’d be nice to have an extra set of hands,”

“That bad, huh?”

“It’s a bit of a big project, and we have places to go,”

“Well, that was the job I originally signed up for when I walked into Tundu’s sweatshop anyway. I only ended up being an assistant store keeper because not many come by the place to actually get the service,”

“You seem like a pretty good mechanic,”

You scoffed another chuckle again, “Don’t flatter me too much, Cal. I just might get used to it.”

The two of you traded glances: he had that coy smirk flashing back, while you smiled and giggled away the wholesome awkwardness dangling between you.

Farther and farther into the inner district, all the twists and turns, this is the part of the town the locals call “the Boroughs.” The ambience has gotten sketchier, the crowd sparse, and flashing neon lights took the place of natural sunlight. Cal’s hand searched for the saber at his hip—still there. Good.

Around the curb, you’ve led Cal into a store a little bigger than Tundu’s, and you were greeted by a Balosar storekeeper at the counter upon entering. You had warned Cal beforehand to keep his hood on even when they’re inside. The Balosar’s jaw clenched and his eyes squinted, when he realized who it was under the hood, he eased only for a bit—he was suspicious of your companion.

“Come now, Finteb, you don’t have to be so hostile all the time,”

“I’m being precautious—there’s a difference,”

“Sure,” you moaned indifferently. “Where’s your boss?”

Speak of the devil, the boss stepped into the scene: a Quarren. The creature’s tendrils dangled left and right with every step of the stairs.

“Ah, if it isn’t Tundu’s little protégé, [y/n],”

“Hello to you, too, Melgu,” your deadpan greeting hummed through the room.

“It’s been a while, eh, girl?”

“Look, I don’t plan on staying here. I just came here for what I need,”

The Quarren spots the boy behind your shoulder. Even with the complicated structure of his mouth, you spot a smile curling between the fleshy tendrils dangling on both sides of his face.

“Ah yes, but who needs it—is the question. Is it you or your boyfriend here?”

You felt the color burn in your cheekbones, you angled your cowl lower to hide it from everyone in the room—including Cal, whose cheeks were also flushing red.

“He’s… someone I’m working with,” you dismissed. “And he’s the one who needs it.”

BD-1 promptly flashed the holograph of the Mantis’s cross-section to the Quarren—and the Balosar onlooker—Cal described the part to the store owner in full detail.

Just when Melgu thought he was being slick, your instincts were already telling you what he’s trying to pull—just by judging his body language and the tone of his voice. Cal picked up the hint seconds after you did, but neither of you were ready to call him out just yet. It was between you and the Quarren to negotiate about the ship part.

“I have such a part,” he raised his digit in front of you. “But it is no ordinary, generic-line compressor. It’s one of my best merchandise to date!”

“I don’t doubt it,” you reassured with a deadpan tone, obviously unimpressed with his bragging. “So, may we see it?”

Melgu turned to his Balosar assistant, Finteb, to go fetch the part from the stockroom. The young male scurried out of the scene and disappeared into the narrow hall of the store; minutes later, he comes back out with the compressor in his hand and set it down in the counter right in front of everybody.

“This is the all-around model,” you uttered, leaning slightly forward to see the finer details. “Corellian make, of course. You’re right, this isn’t some generic unit.”

“Ahh, see? What’d I tell you?”

“How much is this gonna cost me?”

Melgu didn’t answer with words but with a sinister chuckle. Something is definitely up, no denying that. With your collective suspicion with Cal aroused, the two of you became more cautious of what to say or do next to the Quarren.

“Actually, there is something holding me back,”

Your stomach sank, you weren’t able to control the furrowing of your brows. Cal could feel his ribs constricting around his lungs, pleading to the wind that he won’t have the need to use his saber against this Quarren and his Balosar helper. He felt for his saber with his arm subtly, when he felt the edge of the solid cylinder hit his skin, he was assured—at least on that part only.

Meanwhile, you were also dealing you own problem—both mentally and the one right in front of you, repressing the gradual anger welling up in your being while conversing with this wretched scumbag of a black market vendor was a tedious challenge in and of itself. You’ve dug your nails into your palms that you could feel it cutting through the flesh as you try to suppress yourself. Cal can feel it—and you perfectly well know that he does.

“What is?”

“Your boss, Tundu, he and I have some unfinished business—I’m presuming he’s told you that,”

“He hasn’t told me anything,”

“Aww,” he groaned with pity for you in a mocking manner. “I suppose that walking sack of wrinkles didn’t want to bring his little protégé into his mess—or he just didn’t trust you well enough.”

“What are you getting at, squid?”

“Your boss is in neck-deep debt. Obviously, his business is dying and he had nowhere else to run to but me—almost all of his customers come fleeing to me. They’d even risk the Imperial patrols for my merchandise!” he guffawed insultingly.

Melgu continued to gloat about how his business is booming and, consequentially, killing Tundu’s in the process.

“Look, squid, I didn’t come here to watch you goad at me,” you hissed through the tight grit of your teeth. “Unless, of course, you want me to arrange that on the spot.”

The store owner relished the last moments of his bragging rights, he had taken notice of your hand hovering over where your weapon ought to be; but you’re praying that he doesn’t cross that threshold, but knowing Melgu—who was a sentient combination of fragile ego and a red-hot temper—he does not see any boundary.

“Well, aren’t you just valiant? Tell me, are you really willing to go through all of this trouble…” he picked up the part and flaunted it in front of you under the shine of the building’s skylight. “All for this? Or are you also trying to preserve your boss’s honor?”

“That wasn’t really part of my plan until you decided to bring Tundu into the equation, you seaside degenerate!”

Obviously, the Quarren didn’t like the choice of word you used to call him. The inch-thick flesh over his eyes—where one’s eyebrows should be—wrinkled and the long cartilages that frame the flaps of his triangular head tightened.

With the snap of Melgu’s fingers, his goons appeared from all sides of his store—even from the front door—you and Cal were practically back-to-back with one another, but neither of you have drawn out your weapons.

“What’s the matter, a little outnumbered, aren’t we?”

“I like these odds,”

“Be careful, [y/n], in this part of town—being cocky could only lead you to two roads. If so much as a thread of your shirt flies onto me, my men will reach you and Tundu’s precious little outhouse of a shop,” Melgu chuckled in a sinister tone, images worked in his mind of how his henchmen will handle the situation. “Well, frankly, accidents happen all the time, darling.”

“You son of a bitch!” you snarled. “I could kill you right here and now—I’d even include your boy Antennas here for good measure, just so there won’t be any witnesses.”

An involuntary whimper escaped the Balosar’s mouth, looking to his boss for some kind of reassurance that you won’t lay a finger on him, but no such confirmation came—only a low growl objecting your threat. He motioned for his brutes to hold both of you down—they were Devaronians and their arms could snap your spine with a single squeeze.

“You’re not getting close to our shop!” you growled as you’re nearing your boiling point.

“Ohhhh,” he mockingly sighed. “I’m not going anywhere, but I think my men are getting close the second you stay within my men’s grasp.”

Melgu broke out chortling, it irritated you to the point that you felt your insides burning and seething with rage, sharp inhales entered through the paper-thin gaps between your teeth, and Cal never took his eyes off of you the moment the Devaronians grabbed both of you.

“No…” you snarled.

“What was that?” Melgu leaned in, cupping his right ear flap.

“I said… NOOO!!”

Nobody—not even Cal Kestis, a Jedi—saw it coming. An energy wave sent the whole store flying—both living and inanimate, no one escaped the torrent of Force that emitted from your very being. You quickly helped up Cal to his feet.

“Come on, Cal!”

“You little Serennian bitch!” Melgu groaned as he struggled to prop himself back up.

You gently pushed Cal ahead of you, made a split-second’s worth of a glance and spotted the compressor on the floor. You reached for it, and for the first time, used the Force after some odd years of stagnating your connection with it.

A speeder bike parked by Melgu’s storefront made itself open for the taking. You and Cal hopped on with you on the helm, the two of you sped away before the Devaronian lugs could catch up and dare to hold the speeder bike by its back bumper.

[imagine-loki]

Books are Better Than People Trigger warning - anxiety attack

TITLE: Books are better than People CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 18 AUTHOR: dance-in-moonlight ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine taking Loki to the biggest library in the world, The Tianjin Binhai Library in China. As soon as you walk in, he’s like a kid in a candy store as he doesn’t know where to start with 1.2 million books surrounding him… RATING: T NOTES/WARNINGS: Yelling, mentioning of anxiety attack, serious self-doubt

ADDITION: You are Tony’s personal assistant.

“A week! Not a single word from you! Do you know what this means for the company? For me? I was late to everything!" 

Tony stood by the short side of the long meeting table, yelling at you through the length of the room. His face was red, his eyes shimmered and you could see the vein in his throat throb with his high pulse as you avoided to look him in the eye. Now and then he had slammed his fist into the table to underline his words.

 It had been going on for at least three minutes now, since you had appeared in the doorframe. You hadn’t even entered the room yet. 

The rest of the team sat in between you two, quietly staring at the table or sending you compassionate glances. Everybody was aware of Tony’s temper but they rarely had to sit through an entire tirade like this one.

The meeting had started six minutes ago, you’d been three minutes late. After a week of absence. Three minutes of yelling until Tony finally came to the point of his argument.

"Where the fuck were you?” Finally a break. He expected an answer. 

“Igh”, you tried, but you had a lump in your throat. Nervously you swallowed and tried again, this time in a tiny, tiny voice. 

“In Norway." 

"Norway? Why? And with whom?”, your boss boomed through the meeting room. He didn’t seem like it, but he could be super authoritarian and intimidating if he wanted to be. Which seemed to be the case now. 

“I-i was looking for Loki. There…was a personal matter. Dr Strange hel-" 

"You went after that PSYCHOPATH? And the fucking wizard helped you? Are you out of your goddamn mind? Do you realize you have a job to do?” Underneath the anger - and the other emotion you couldn’t quite lay a finger on - displayed on his face you could see his surprise. If he hadn’t been so upset you were almost sure he’d laughed. Even to yourself the reason sounded ridiculous, but it had been important back then. 

“I, um…” You had no more words, tears burned in your eyes. This was so damn stupid. He was right, you had acted impulsively. You’d made him angry, disappointed in you. The man you looked up to so much, who had once realized your potential and given you this amazing job you loved so much.

Luckily someone noticed your discomfort. Or maybe they were just fed up by the yelling. 

“That’s enough, Tony." 

"Shut the fuck up, Steve”, Tony hissed and angrily threw his hand into Steve’s direction, pointing a finger at him with the force of a punch. He didn’t mean it of course. Tony loved his friends and although he had trouble showing that, they knew. He was upset.

“No. Tony stop. She’s upset, you’re upset. Sit down and let her say something instead of yelling at her like a madman!”, Steve insisted. He stood relaxed, but his posture also showed that he was not intimidated nor wouldn’t put an end to this forcefully if he had to. 

“I said-" 

”Tony.“ Natasha had gotten up and walked over to stand beside you, her icy stare fixed on your boss. 

"Enough." 

With a defeated growl Tony dropped his arm and sank down into his chair, arms crossed like a pouting child as he glared at you. 

"Fine. See me after the meeting. You’re excused." 

You swallowed another lump and fought the tears that formed in your eyes. This was it. Natasha patted your back as you turned, but while you left she stayed, of course. She was a relevant member of the Avengers unlike you. 

____________________________________________________

"You’re replaceable”, you hissed at yourself once you were out of earshot. Anyone could take your position, your job. You would surely lose your job, you’ve never seen Tony this mad before. It scared you. A sob escaped your throat and you began to sprint towards the community  room to hide your face from the security cameras and the employees you passed. Stark tower was no place to be secluded, but since the Avengers were busy you counted on their floor being empty. 

You were lucky. After the door closed you dropped on a sofa and began to cry your eyes out with loud, ugly sobs. One stupid little mistake had lead to all this. Your stupid, stupid ego had almost cost you Loki, and now it would cost you your job and position. You’d been so selfish, thinking telling Tony where you were would only make them all try to get you away from Loki. You’d been away for a week, unexcused. Perhaps the whole company had experienced massive struggles, you didn’t know. You had taken all organizational tasks from Pepper once you’d been hired, leaving her with enough time and headspace to lead the company while Tony could tinker and invent and be Ironman in between of press conferences and agreeing or disagreeing to his wife’s business decisions. That being said, there was no way Pepper could have done your work while you were away, she had no insight in your complex scheduling system and appointments. Even one missed meeting could do a whole lot. 

“Shit…what do I do? What do I do?”, you whispered into the pillows, shaken by sobs. The pillow didn’t reply, so you hit it in a wave of anger. The stupid pillow wouldn’t lose all its friends. 

__________________________________________________

Fifteen or twenty minutes must have passed when your phone played a notification sound. Great. You sniffled and ignored it. You had bigger problems than your friends right now, they could wait. They should know your job usually kept you busy, sometimes no one could reach you all day. Another message followed, and then a third one. Annoyed you unlocked the damn thing and opened the messenger. It was Loki. 

> Hello Love, how are you? We decided on a place to settle, Thor and the Valkyrie are out to talk to the people. <

You had gotten him a phone before you left, he couldn’t teleport  every single hour. He was busy and so were you. 

> Hey! I’m great, but in a meeting rn. Call you later! <

You couldn’t stand the truth right now, you didn’t want him to worry. Your throat felt scratchy from the crying, so you walked over to the little break room kitchen to find a drink. The coffee machine was empty, but the fridge offered orange juice. You poured a glass and leaned against the counter with a deep exhausted sigh. 

Ping. You checked your phone immediately. 

> You told me you always turn off the phone in meetings. What happened, Y/N? <

Crap, he was good. 

> Nonono I’m good! I just forgot, I’m just human you know? <

Hopefully he’d be fine with this explanation. You really appreciated him, but right now you needed some time alone. To figure out how to gather the strength to talk to Tony. The thought of his usually friendly expression now icy and disappointed as he fired you made you shiver. You didn’t want this at all. Then again, who would? 

Your phone rang. No. Not now. You declined the call and huffed, took another sip of orange juice. 

The fourth time it rang you gave up. 

“Hello?" 

"Darling”, the caller said in his softest voice, “what happened?" 

"Nothing. I’m good, thank you." 

He was silent for a few seconds. It was long enough to make you wonder whether he’d hung up already. Eventually he spoke. 

"You’ve been crying. I hear it in your voice, don’t deny it. And please…don’t lie to me." 

You squeezed your eyes shut and took a deep, shaky breath. Even if he was thousands of miles away he was  great at reading people.

“I got embarrassed, that’s all”, you eventually replied. Your voice was thin and high and you felt the tears rise up again.

“So, what happened”, he asked again, even softer this time. And then he waited as you cleared your throat and searched for the right words. Words that would deliver the truth, but not make him worry any more than he already did.

“I was a bit late to the meeting”, you began hesitantly.

“That doesn’t sound like you”, Loki said and you imagined him frowning. “And that’s not what made you cry. You’re stronger than that.” It wasn’t a question.

“No…I haven’t told anyone I was with you and Thor. Dr Strange doesn’t talk much to the Avengers if he doesn’t have to, so nobody knew where I’ve been. I missed work. I…I might have ruined a company”, you said and couldn’t steady your voice, it cracked.

“Y/N, I think you’re amazing, but are you sure you have that much of an impact? I admit I didn’t think of any consequences to your visit, but sure it will be fine. You might get a lecture about being responsible, but I am certain you didn’t do enough damage to justify any worse punishment.”

He seemed certain indeed, and he spoke so calmly it frustrated you. He wasn’t here. This was not his pot of tea right now, and even though you appreciated the advice he had never had to work a job like you, and he knew little about the hierarchy in a company.

"Loki… love, I’m about to lose my job. I really don’t feel like chatting about it anymore, please respect that. I’ll call you tonight, okay?" 

He sighed deeply, as if something was very heavy on his soul. He cared so much.

"Fine darling. But be aware that I am not happy about this. I want to be there for you." 

"I know”, you sniffled and tapped your finger nervously on the counter you were leaning against. “I’ll call you. Bye." 

"Goodbye”, he replied. 

“Oh, and Loki?" 

"Yes?" 

"Thank you." 

You hung up and put the phone down next to your glass carefully, then put your face in your palms and sighed. 

"It’s inevitable Y/N”, you mumbled into the room. “You can either hang around here and pity yourself or you can get back up and regain your composure. Come on, you can do this.” Your body disagreed, you felt empty and tired. You just wanted to sleep. 

“Come on. I’m a fierce warrior, I can handle this.” Oddly enough this one worked. You took a deep breath, finished your orange juice and then grabbed your bag on your way to the bathroom. There you cleaned your face and tried to get rid of the puffiness by dabbing cool water on your skin. Eventually you reapplied your makeup and ended up looking human again. If Tony would let you go, you’d at least not look like a complete mess. He wouldn’t see you cry. 

When you left the bathroom you almost smacked into Natasha. 

“Oh God I’m sorry! Are you okay?”, you asked and rose your hands. Nat nodded and reached out to grab your shoulder. 

“I’m good. Are you?”, she replied calmly and examined your expression. You had no doubts she saw that you’d been crying.

“Uh…yeah, I think.”

“Okay. Tony is in his office now. He said whoever saw you could send you in.” Your heart dropped a little. It was time. 

“Hey, if he’s mean, tell me. I’ll kick his ass for you." 

You smiled weakly, she was trying to cheer you up. It wasn’t working well. 

"Eh…I’ll better go”, you murmured and fled to the elevator. When the doors closed and the thing began to move upward you had to fight an anxiety attack. You would not break down at the office. No way. Stupid anxiety. 

In way too little time you’d finished your way and stood in front of the office. The big wooden double door seemed unnecessarily intimidating today. With another deep breath you knocked. 

“You’re a fierce warrior. You can do this.”

[viva-la-fangirl]

Yesterday Part 4

yall got every right to be mad at me. end of the semester was crazy, holidays were crazy and then i jumped right back into my job. BUT I have part 4 here! 

And as always: PART 1, PART 2, PART 3

warnings: bad grammar, misspelled words, cursing, mentions of previous abuse

IF YOU ARE HAVING DOMESTIC ABUSE: National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233

words: 

The next weeks were a blur of anxiety, sleepless nights and paranoia.

Your mind revolved around your ex. His black eyes always raking over you. The feeling of him kicking you in the alley behind the restaurant where you decided to leave him. You begging him to stop.

There were times where you forgot about him. You went about your day and thought of you and Roger. The tour happening. Planning on which cities you would visit.

Then something would take you out of it. A smell, a sound, a tone of voice from someone passing by and it all came rushing back. Your skin crawled at every thought of him. Even with Roger in bed, with his arm protectively wrapping around you- you would lie awake for hours and wonder if your ex was trying to find you. Roger and the boys had been especially diligent about keeping the paparazzi away from you over the past weeks. Roger nearly yelling at anyone who looked at you for a little too long or even tried to attempt to bring out a camera. It made your heart flutter seeing Roger all protective, but it sank just as fast when you remembered the reason why.

“(Y/N)?” Roger asked. It was morning, the sun was barely up and hidden behind thick gray clouds. You refused to tell him you’d been up for at least an hour, two at the most. 

“Yes?”

“Nothing,” Roger mumbled before pushing his face into your neck. His warm breath making your hairs stand up and your body relax. He had been so good recently, not staying out too late, inviting you to band practice and being attentive, ordering food and going out whenever you needed something. 

You hated it.

Well, not totally. Admittedly you liked the extra attention. Usually during an album you were getting less attention than his drumsticks. It was nice to see a different side of Roger. 

But then again. You hated being paranoid. You hated putting Roger out in the middle of recording. You hated being scared to go out. You hated being scared. Secretly, as you would never ever admit this to Roger, but you wished your ex would find you already and hurt you- just enough to put him back in jail. It was an ugly thought that tainted your mind but, being scared just to go to the grocery was killing you. You missed a time when it was only paparazzi to watch out for instead of a man that beat you enough to break some bones.

It felt as if you were in your own personal horror movie. Walking around just waiting for the boogyman to jump and get ya. 

You laid with bed with Roger steadily breathing beside you, one arm draped around you as protection from the world. With one breath you snuggled closer to Roger who pulled you in tighter. At least for the moment you allowed yourself to feel safe.

If only that safe feeling lasted.

It was a cold day when the world dropped from under your feet. You had convinced Roger to finally let you out of the apartment to go for a hair cut. Truthfully you hadn’t been keeping up with your usual hair routine and it showed. Split ends with lack of color made it look greasy and lifeless. No way you could go to the boys concert tonight looking like this!

The wet but crisp air was welcomed. After being shuttled around from place to place for the past couple of weeks, outside felt like a stranger and the air welcomed your presence. Your lungs relished in non-apartment air drenched in remnants of cigarette smoke or cologne Roger loved. 

“You feeling good love?” Beatrice asked. She ran her fingers through your hair, and massaged your head. For a second you forgot where you were, always a sucker for a good head massage. “(Y/N)?” 

“Oh yes!” you brought yourself out of the trance. “Better than I have. Thank you,”

Beatrice was an old and trusted friend of your from your university days. You weren’t the bestest of friends but she was a reliable one and a killer hair stylist. She could make a raccoon look like Cher. 

“Oh love you should have come in weeks ago!” Beatrice fiddled with your hair. “This is absolutely dreadful- sorry darling,”

“No I know,” You admitted. “Can you help me?”

“Of course darling,” Beatrice smacked on her gum. “Might take longer than normal but you’re talking to the master,”

Beatrice went to work right away washing your hair. The next two hours were filled with mindless talking and laughs. Beatrice went on about her sisters tacky wedding and the silk bridesmaids dresses that resembled bubble gum. You told of you and Roger, how tour was starting up soon and they had a local gig just to break the routine. It was the first time you felt normal in weeks.

While the day to day wasn’t bad, the topic of your ex seemed to always linger in the background- just waiting to pounce. While you trusted Beatrice, you know bringing up your ex would welcome a flurry of questions you didn’t want to answer. For just a few hours, you wanted to be a Roger Taylor’s girlfriend getting your hair done. Not some girl who was assaulted by he ex. 

“I think we’re about done sweetie,” Beatrice smiled wide between her purple lipstick. 

You looked in the mirror and couldn’t help but smile. Beatrice had really outdone herself. Your hair gained it’s color back. It looked fresh and healthy. Beatrice had even styled it for tonight.

“Oh Bea,” you fluffed your hair. “I can’t thank you enough,”

“Roger Taylor’s girlfriend deserves the best!” she exclaimed. 

After paying Beatrice and a couple more goodbyes you walked out the door feeling better than you had in weeks. 

Then came his voice.

“Hey (Y/N),” 

You froze. Keys in hand just about to open your car. Your blood ran from your face and immediately turned to ice. You turned to see him standing a few feet away. He looked worse than he did the last time you saw him in court. He had obviously gained weight. His beard was untidy and his hair was greasier than ever with streaks of gray sprinkling the sides. His snake-like eyes ran up and down your body, it was like a rusted knife threatening to pierce the skin. 

“What no hug?” he pouted. 

“You stay away from me Harrison,” you hissed. Blood pumped in your head so loud you couldn’t hear anything besides the words spoken between you and the guy who had beaten you so viciously you couldn’t remember some of that night. 

“Common hon,”

“Don’t call me that,” you wedged a car key between your fingers just encase. “How- how,”

“How did I find you?” Harrison flashed his yellowed teeth. “Humans are creatures of habit. You always went to Beatrice before a big event and with Queen’s gig tonight- I knew it would be a big event for you,

Queen gig. He knew about you and Roger.

Of course he would you idiot. You’re on the front of every tabloid from here to tin-buck-too. 

“You’re a real piece of shit you know that?” Anger took over. How dare this man come back into your life, a life you had overcome so much for, a life you loved with a man you loved. 

“Harsh words coming from someone who was going to marry me,” 

“I was manipulated into loving you. You hurt me. You belittled me. Then when I wanted to leave and said no to your proposal you beat me,”

“A little misunderstanding is all. I mean you could be a little over dramatic,” Harrison gas-lighted. “I lost my temper one time and you throw me in jail. Now how is that fair?”

“You hurt me. That’s not love.”

“And you think you have love now? With that Roger Taylor?” Harrison sneered. He said Roger’s name so grossly like he was thinking of something disgusting. “I mean common- I might have been a little angry but at least I never cheated on you,”

“Roger has never cheated on me,” You yelled as strong as you could. Before you and Roger got together you knew about his flings and girlfriends. Freddie had ranted about another one of Roger’s girlfriend’s flying off the handle after catching him in bed with another women. You knew about his past. 

“I won’t do that to you,” he promised. 

“How do I know that?” you weakly said. Roger had been asking you out consistently for the past 2 weeks. 

“Because...” Roger stopped. “Is saying you’re different too cliche?”

You laughed hardily. “A little,”

“Then call me Romeo because it’s true,” Roger stepped so close you could smell the strawberries you too had shared while watching a movie. “I know I’m not the best man, I fuck up a lot, I’m impulsive, I’m stubborn, I’m-”

“Roger,”

“Oh yeah. But the one thing I’m not is someone who is going to hurt you. After seeing you in that hospital, seeing how someone who claimed to love you could hurt you that badly- well it made me never want to see another tear from your eye,”

You melted and agreed to start seeing Roger. It was a slow processes but worth it. 

“So you ignore the magazines with him and a bunch of girls around him. Basically begging to be fucked by him,” Harrison shouted.

You had seen. It made your stomach turn but above all you trusted Roger. 

“What you and I shared is a fraction of what Roger and I do.” You stood up straighter. “I’m going home now and if I ever see you near me or Roger again I’m going to call the police,” You quickly opened the car and started it. Your hands shaking so much you could barely hold on to the clutch. 

Backing out Harrison peered into your window and with the radio blaring and a ringing in your ears you didn’t hear him say. 

“See you tonight,”

Tagged: sorry if i forgot anyone i’m not the best at this 

@alexfayer @marveley @mrsmazzello @frenchieswiftie  http://leahluhve.tumblr.com/ @yasnooshka24   @anita-e-taylor @benhardycult @jennyggggrrr​

[areasontobreathe]

The Miys, Ch. 56

This one got away from me.  I meant for it to just be some filler, but it turned into a serious conversation, somehow.  Those wily OCs keep getting away from me.  *Spots one sneaking out the door* Hey!  Get back here!

By the virtue of having to proof the pizza dough, Maverick managed to dash into our quarters with just enough time to shower and change before sitting down with us for dinner.  He gulped down a glass of wine before even reaching for any food, nodding his thanks to Antoine as he handed the glass back. Conor and I glanced at each other, concerned: Maverick rarely drank with dinner, and if he did it was usually sparingly.

He must have caught our glance. “My hands are shaking and my back is a mess of knots from checking – and I quote – ‘everything in the lab that may have had anything to do with the construction of the platforms, along with any equipment that may have interacted with them after construction’.  So sayeth Grey Hodenson.” He paused to stuff a fish-laden slice of pizza in his mouth. “Mmph. Sorry. Hey, Zach.”

“That’s literally every piece of equipment in BioLab 2 and the fabrication lab,” Conor interjected.  “Grey is making you do all that?”

Maverick shook his head. “Huynh is coming down on everyone with this, Con. Grey’s just protecting their technicians and researchers.”

“What about Xiomara?” I asked, waving my hand to grab their attention before glancing at my sister. “I mean, the platforms being unsafe would fall under her department, right?”

Tyche picked up on what I was hinting at. “Does she even know about this issue?”

Conor glanced back and forth between us for a moment. “I – I honestly don’t know,” he admitted.  “I’ve been so caught up in defending myself that I didn’t even think to ask.”

“If Councillor Hodenson knows, would they not think to pass the information on to her?” Antoine asked reasonably.

It was my turn to shake my head. “Don’t you remember on Level One?  Grey gets incredibly forgetful when they’re under extreme duress.  With the recent gravity increase, I don’t think anyone has been sleeping all that well. Derek told me earlier that he’s been having nightmares.  I know the three of us haven’t been sleeping worth a damn.” I gestured between myself and my two partners-cum-guard dogs.

“Surprised you can sleep at all, the way Maverick snores,” Zach snickered, earning a half-hearted glare and the confiscation of a slice of pizza from his plate. “Hey!” he protested weakly.

Still staring him down, I took the biggest bite I could manage of the slice in my hand before sliding the rest of the pizza on the table toward him. “Be nice,” I admonished around my stolen mouthful.  “The point is, Xio may not know about the situation.  I’ll touch base with her tomorrow, first thing.”

Later, Tyche and I were sitting in the living room while the guys were cleaning up and joking around in the food-prep area. “Does he do that often?” she asked, referring to the earlier situation with Conor.

“Hmm? Oh, umm…. No? Not really?” I scrunched my nose. “This is the first time I’ve known him to do it while someone else was here?”  

She looked at me skeptically. “Mon soeur…” she started with the same fond tone that she usually reserved for calling me ‘silly bitch’.

“I’m not lying, you can have Noah check the recordings later. I swear. Yes, he does lose his temper sometimes, but he makes a point to ask me and Maverick to leave while he calms down or warns us before we get home that he had a bad day and needs some time to himself.  I can’t really think of any time that it’s been something one of us did that set it off – usually it’s work or a hydroponic project that gets him that frustrated.  We didn’t even know that he was throwing things until we came back for something once, thinking he was just laying in bed or reading a book or something, and we caught the mess he had made while he was cleaning it up.”

She seemed reluctantly mollified. “I really thought for a second that… Anyway, assuming you are telling the truth – and I will check – it makes sense that he was so upset when you walked in earlier. But if I check with Noah, and he tells me a different story…” She left the threat hanging as she gave me a pointed look.

“Check all you want,” I assured her. “Cross examine, be specific, grill them. If I’m blind to something, let me know.”

Before we could say anything else, the other four joined us.  Tyche left the couch in favor of sitting with Antoine in the armchair, while Maverick took her seat next to me.  Surprisingly, Conor let Zach sit on my other side, in favor of sitting on the floor and resting against mine and Maverick’s legs. It wasn’t unusual for him to do after losing his temper – I wasn’t even sure he realized that he acted like he had to earn back his spot on the sofa – but I hadn’t expected him to do it in front of other people.

My favorite source of never-ending surprise didn’t stop there. “Antoine,” he asked, clearing his throat. “Do you have anyone on staff who, uh, helps with… anger management?” He rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment when Antoine’s eyebrows shot up.  “I got… mad as hell today, and I was throwing things in front of Zach.  And it’s not the first time I’ve tossed a room ‘cause I was pissed off.” Leaning forward, he shoved a hand through his hair and forced himself to keep talking. “I’ve never raised my voice or threw things at Sophie or Mav, and I try to make sure that no one is here when I do it.  But today… Zach was here, and Sophie and Tyche got home and the door was open, and I could’ve… Even if it had been a accident, someone could’ve got hurt, and – “

“No one got hurt?” Antoine cut in, glancing around with concern. I could see his fingers digging into Tyche’s hip where his arms were around her, his professional façade cracking just a hair at the idea that she had been in potential danger. The three of us who had been there shook our heads, and he pinched the bridge of his nose. “I am well aware that Tyche will likely be checking the recordings to ensure that you are save, Sophia and Maverick.  I will be checking them with her, just to be sure.  And yes, Conor, we do have some people on the Ark who are trained to handle anger management.”  When Antoine removed his hand from his face, I caught him clenching it in a tight fist for a brief moment.

Apparently Conor wasn’t the only one with an unexpected temper. “Antoine,” I said softly. “I already told Tyche, go ahead and check the recordings. Grill Noah. Conor really has always made a point to make sure we weren’t here when he knew he was going to lose it, and he tried as hard as he could to make sure we didn’t realize how badly he was handling it. But I do think he could use some help learning a more… productive? Way to handle things.” I stroked Conor’s hair and smiled slightly when Maverick moved my hand so he could do it, instead. “I did suggest boxing,” I pointed out, glancing up.

“The last thing I want to do is graduate to hitting things,” Conor grumbled.  “That doesn’t seem like a good idea at all.”

“Actually, boxing is an effective outlet for aggression,” Antoine argued. “It has proven to provide a safe outlet for violent urges, especially if it is not an activity you have ever taken up before.  Over time, it reprograms the same physical impulse that causes you to throw things to instead channel that aggression toward hitting something that is designed to be hit, or toward a sparring partner who is consenting to engage and is physically protected.”

“There has to be something else. Something non-violent.”

“Any physical exercise can provide an outlet, but it may not be as satisfying,” our resident therapist relented.  “Running, aerobics, or dance are found to be the most effective due to the high cardiovascular output they provide.”

Conor nodded, taking that into more serious consideration.  “Running sounds better.”

“Awww, you don’t want to start taking dance classes?” Maverick teased, grunting when I elbowed him. “What? You can’t tell me it wouldn’t be a little funny.”

I glared at him as Tyche cleared her throat. “Um, Maverick? Sweetie? Sophia took dance lessons for years.  Believe me, just the stretches will have you pouring sweat when you first start.”

“It takes about the same amount of discipline as martial arts,” I picked up from there. “Precision, and complete focus on what each part of your body is doing at any given time. Not to mention the amount of strength you have to build up, depending on what you’re doing – at one point I could squat close to three hundred pounds. Not for long,” I admitted. “But I could do it.”

“Maybe you should start dancing again,” my sister mused. “It was good for your anxiety.” I tilted my head, conceding her point, but didn’t say anything.

“I am tempted to make the entire ship start taking up more cardiovascular exercise,” Antoine sighed.  “Since the most recent gravity adjustment, the reports of anxiety, paranoia, and insomnia have far exceeded what we anticipated.  As Sophia suggested at dinner, it seems that very few on the Ark are unaffected.”

I snorted before descending through giggles and into outright hysteric laughter.  I glanced up briefly to see everyone staring at me, waiting for me to explain the joke. I managed to pull myself together long enough to gasp, “Ten-thousand-person flash mob.”

One by one, the entire room descended into laughter, the seriousness that had settled upon us temporarily broken by the mental image of everyone on the Ark dancing their hearts out.

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[mysaldate]

On the topic of BSD mental issues..

Because a lot of people in this fandom just LOVE to bestow their own mental problems on characters and even go so far as to claim not a single BSD character is mentally alright, I went on a little rant to debunk this bulshit of a claim. If you’re one of those who support the “everyone is mentally ill because I said so” theory, don’t even bother reading this, please, and save us both the time.

If you do read, however, please keep in mind those are just my opinions and analysis and why I personally find the claim that everyone is mentally ill bulshit. You’re free to believe what you want but I’ve had multiple people come spurting out insults at me simply for not believing every single character is mentally diasbled.

First, our beloved ADA Atsushi - He's actually doing really well. Sure, he's not 100% ok but we were given no serious childhood trauma impacts (except for flashbacks that don't really... do anything to him mentally except for motivating him to do better which is, you know, not a sign of mental illness), he doesn't have self-destructive tendencies, he doesn't feel like he owes the society anything but he doesn't slip to nihilism either. His motivations are humane and sane and relatable. I mean, if anyone told you your friends would be in mortal danger if you stay with them, wouldn't you try to get away from them too? Dazai - Ok, Dazai is far from stable. He still handles his issues surprisingly well though and his constant suicide attempts are really played off as a joke, which is not the best way to handle them but it takes a lot of seriousness from it and kind of makes it hard to believe it's what he actually wants to do with his life. Especially since there are times where he goes out of his way to make sure he stays alive (Dead Apple being just one example). Kunikida - Arguably one of the most stable characters in the show. Some people claim he has OCD but have you ever seen an actual OCD patient? His love for schedules and hard time when they can't be kept is something that runs in my family and nobody has ever been diagnosed with OCD. People need to realize that having your life planned out is not a mental illness. Yosano - I'm a little more benevolent about Yosano, especially since she has a more psychotic side to her and she seems actually damaged by her childhood but I stiil stand my point that she is doing extremely well for someone who supposedly has a mental illness. It's almost as if the "insane" side of her was purposedly overblown for comedic purposes. Ranpo - I know a lot of people say he's autistic but I don't agree with that hc. Why? Well, I have a classmate who's not autistic and she's exactly like him. She's smart, almost genius, has great deduce skills and brilliant crime-solving abilities (tested multiple times with Black Stories or whatever that game is called in english) but she is unable to live on her own. She knows close to nothing about real life, skills used for everyday functioning and as for public transport, she only learnt how to use it recently and she's almost 19 years old. I also have an autistic friend who specifically said he'd find it insulting to hear that Ranpo is supposedly autistic. Tanizaki - I'm not sure what to say here, Tanizaki is a normal guy. Nothing special about him. He's willing to go great lengths for his little sister but I think anyone with younger siblings can relate to that. At least anyone who cares for their younger siblings. Kenji - Go on and tell me how Kenji of all people has a mental illness, I dare you. And if you pull out his cheeriness, you're obviously just too depressed to fathom that some people might actually enjoy life. Fukuzawa - Again, one of the most stable characters in the series. Say what you will but he's not unstable and his ability to stay calm at almost any situation except for when his kids are in danger is just further proof of this. Kyouka - I'd say she might have issues. My afforementioned autistic classmate pointed out that she feels autistic to him so there's that. Also her childhood visibly screwed her over. However, she's still surprisingly stable and normal despite all of that so while she might have some issues, they are greatly balanced by her strong will and natural personality. Naomi - I wouldn't say Naomi is 100% ok in the head but not to a point where I'd claim an actual mental illness. Sure, I'm not a doctor but nor is anyone who diagnoses her with whatever it is they diagnose her with. Haruno - And exactly what is wrong about Haruno? She's cute, positive, cheery, hard-working and supportive. And she gets scared in situations that invoke this. Literally NOTHING weird.

Next up is our dear Port Mafia Akutagawa - No denying it, Aku has serious issues. Again though, he's doing far better than most people with similar problems but that could just be due to him letting his frustrations out via murder. Chuuya - No issue found here. Sure, he's a little short-tempered but that's about it. A lot of people are short-tempered without being mentally ill. And he could be portrayed with some serious issues due to his origin and past. Gin - Do we even know enough about her to diagnoze her? All we know is that she's silent, a little shy and that she's always on odds with Tachihara. Make me a diagnosis from that. Higuchi - Aside from her massive crush on Aku, there's nothing weird about her. She probably picked the wrong job but she's willing to work hard anyway to earn her place there,, which is not exactly typical for people with mental illnesses. Hirotsu - STABLE PERSON. Just... what else is there to him? He is literally the voice of reason who commands the black lizard solely because he can actually keep them under control. Geez, there is literally nothing linking him to any mental problem! Kajii - This guy's got issues, no denying it. And I won't even say he could do worse because obviously he could but he's fairly close to being the insanest (is that a word?) he can get. Kouyou - Oh look, ANOTHER completely stable person. I mean, come on, she's been an executive since Dazai and Chuuya were 15, that's seven years. Clearly she couldn't hold her position if she weren't stable. Not to mention, we saw her being stable in stressing situations so. many. times. Elise - She's an ability. No comment. Mori - Yes, he has his issues. But he's the hypercompetent Mafia boss who stayed in charge for a very long time already and there's no sign of anyone overthrowing him any time soon, nor planning to because he's just a great leader, something he couldn't be if he was mentally ill. Oda - Do I even need to elaborate on this? Oda is very probably the sanest person we got, one who sees the wrongs of his past and does his best to overcome them and repent, all of which goes without him being depressed or self-loathing in the slightest. Randou - This has been talked about a lot. Randou is sensitive and impulsive and sometimes acts on emotions rather than rationallity. None of that makes him a mentally ill person. It just makes him a person, a human being we can all relate to. Ace - Ace is a selfish human being who thinks too highly of himself and is manipulative and abusive. Is that a problem? Yes, obviously. Is that a mental illness? Not necessarily and more likely no than yes. He does things for his personal gain and everything went his way for far too long for him to expect it to go any other way. And as we all know, power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutelly. Q - Does anyone really think Q is sane?

Now for the group that so many people dislike it’s honestly sad, the Guild Francis - Francis is, first and foremost, a very loving husband and father. He goes on this insane mission to Japan to obtain a mystical object he believes is real but never got any deffinite proof of. Is he naive? Perhaps so. And after he loses, he gets depressed and broken because he finds out his wedding ring disappeared, probably because his wife did something. That breaks him. And honestly? He has every right to break down. It's understandable and human and it does not make him mentally ill. Louisa - While yes, she is very shy and some argue she has some sort of anxiety disorder, all of this can be explained by the fact that she's practically a child. She's 18 dammit. Who could leave their home country at 18 only with an organization of older people, who also all seem very sure of themselves, while having no combat ability and nothing to really bring to the table? If she were mentally weak, there's no way she'd go looking for Francis after his fall, it's actually more likely she'd hurry back home, probably with tears and fear of being arrested if she were to stay in Japan for longer. Margaret - Name me one thing that makes you think Margaret of all people would have a mental issue. One thing. Most of her screentime is her being a vegetable. And while that is certainly a health problem, not a mental health one. Nathaniel - Hey, he was completely ok before meeting Fyodor. Being religious is not a mental health problem and f you if you say otherwise. John - Again, nothing unstable about John. He's not even that selfish, doing what he can to support his family and even picking up the remainings of the Guild to keep the people together and give them new hope because, y'know, hope is very important to people. Lovecraft - He's not even human. You can't apply human mental health logic to him. Herman - We've seen him for how much... 2 minutes total? And even from just that, he seemed like a calm and composed guy. No sign of mental problems whatsoever. Mark - He's hyper, that's what people say at least. But is he really? Kind of hard to believe when all we've seen of him is two scenes of adrenalin rush, one scene where he tries to lift the spirits of his coworkers and one scene where he just decides to go back home because this adventure is obviously over. No sign of mental illness here either. Lucy - A little more visible traumatic impact than with Atsushi and some abandonment issues, which are completely understandable and relatable. Not necessarily a mental illness. Poe - Ok so Poe doesn't feel well in company of others and he is a little psychotic when he gets too into his self-assigned role but 1) introverts are not mentally ill and 2) it's completely natural to get carried away when we witness the person we believe wronged us getting some karma back.

The one group that appeared for such a short time, yet everyone seems to love them, the Rats Fyodor - The most obvious god complex, clearly. He's not sane but he's stable so there's that. Nobody says he's ok, he's clearly not. But he's composed and smart enough to not let his issues control him. Ivan - Part of his brain is literally gone. He's not ok. he can't be. And unless part of your brain is missing too, you physically can't relate to him. Pushkin - Actually a stable, understandable character. Weak men are known through all of history to be the causes of major drama simply because their complexes over being weak lead to them finding joy in torturing the strong. It's not a mental illness, it's just bad character. Oguri - Clearly, Ogugu has issues. Call it survivor's guilt or PTSD or whatever you want, he has issues. Nobody is denying that. Still, he's doing fairly well when not desperatelly trying to seem evil.

I do not feel like doing the Hunting Dogs for the sole reason of me not liking them enough to focus on their mental states but they are pretty much lab rats, artificially enhanced humans and that alone should be enough to explain why I don’t believe in applying normal psychology to them. As for the Decay of Angels, there’s still much more to learn about them so I won’t get into that just yet. And when it comes to the governmental agents, I haven’t read the novels so I only know a bit about Ango and I honestly don’t see how anyone could think Ango has a mental illness.

I repeat again, these are my opinions, based on my experiences and what I’ve studied about mental illnesses (because believe it or not, I study about these things quite a lot). It doesn’t fit except for Tumblr romanticised versions of them and even those are iffy. You’re free to agree and disagree with all of this or with just certain parts but please don’t feel required to share your thoughts, I frankly don’t much care.

With that I bid you goodbye, at least until another thing prompts me to make a long-ass analysis almost nobody will read, nor care for.

[lee-donghun]

I mentioned earlier that I wanted to talk about my logan theory in depth. I can’t take complete credit for it though, some points i’ve picked up from other people after all, but i still want to add some more insight on this from my perspective.

first: https://tyrus-is-endgame-fight-me.tumblr.com/post/184088552454/okay-so-there-is-one-part-of-the-new-video-that-i at point point I talk about a theory involving the clothing style(not my own) and how it could help to prove that Virgil was a dark side and wants to hide this. Theres a plot hole in this theory involving Logan though. OP of that theory ( @just-a-random-word ) even mentioned it in the tags (and probably the comments)

Basically, Roman and Patton wear all bright colours to symbolize their “lightness”, and Deciet and Virgil wear black with a single accented colour at most.

According to this though, shouldn’t Logan be a dark side? he has a single spot of white to be fair but for the most part- what does he wear right now? a black shirt and a dark blue tie (remember the dark blue tie for later).

in that aforementioned post, I explained it to the fact that logan probably wanted to look more professional, and thinks a black shirt looks better with a coloured tie. Now, because of his character, this could easily have been true if it wasn’t for some minor details.

1) haven’t we seen him in jeans? if he was purely focused on appearing professional- than wouldn’t he wouldn’t wear jeans. Dark or not- he would wear dress pants. Much more professional- don’t you think? However, it seems his tie is enough for him right now, and so thus-professionalism isn’t the only thing on his mind

2) the tie. In the beginning- the tie was light blue like Patton, but he darkened it. The only other side to change a colour, was Virgil but he lightened up a bit which in my mind at least, symbolizes how Virgil was realizing that he was finally earning his spot amongst them all, and growing-or changing-. So wouldn’t it make sense that Logan’s change meant a change in himself as well? I highly doubt that he changed yet at this point, for it wouldn’t make sense. However- I do believe that it foreshadowed change.

Besides just the clothes though, let’s take a look at Logan’s attitude. 

we all know Logan has a temper. We’ve seen many examples of him lashing out, especially when it comes to him lying. The question is though- why would the logical one have the anger issuses? shouldn’t he be the rational one, thinking things through first? but no- he’s impulsive at times. 

Is it really so far off to believe that Logan’s anger wouldn’t get the best of him for an extended period as well? especially when he’s been hurt again and again-

let me back up here-

How many times has Roman insulted him? a lot.

Has Virgil gotten mad at him? yep.

Patton even yelled at him in “Moving On Part 2″, causing Logan to storm off.

You add that to Deceit is the one to call Logan “everyone’s favorite character”, and while it’s proven that he can tell the truth if he chooses to, it’s likely that Logan wouldn’t of taken it as the truth.

Moving back towards his attitude though, Logan has proven to be insecure and not able to hide it.

This specific gif isn’t the best example, it still counts mind you, but it’s what I could find. In this, Logan got upset because he wanted to solve the problem by himself, to prove that he should be listened to and regarded as important as well. On first glance, it could be passed off as “he’s a know-it-all who believes that he would never need help” and he doesn’t trust patton to not disrupt him perhaps, but when you look deeper, there’s more. Logan got really upset fast, or he wouldn’t have yelled, so he obviously feels that Thomas feels that he’s inferior to the rest. Thinking this about Roman would make sense, because as a actor and singer, Thomas places more empathsis on his creatitivity than his logic abilities but for the others? For him to think that even Virgil- Thomas’ ANXIETY- has been more helpful? Logan can’t be very secure.

It’s true that in this episode, Logan still blamed everyone but himself but insecure or not, he’d probably still think he’s *know* if his fault.He may have felt in the back of his mind, but tried to ignore it, and purposely avoided suggesting it, but when someone else did it, he couldn’t avoid it anymore. This part is merely a speculation though, for theres no evidence to back this part up.

Let’s look at this one. Logan worked on learning spanish simply because Roman knew it, and he didn’t. Roman knowing something that he didn’t probably hurt, especially because’s well Logic. Now, while, this specific phrase was obviously used as an insult- he also chose “stupid” for a reason. He was telling *himself* that he’s smart and Roman isn’t.

In a different episode, “Is LYING good?”, when we are introduced to Deciet, Logan also showed a lack of confidence when Deciet -disguised as patton- was saying things about Kant. Instead of simply being proud that Patton knew something (though he did express that he was proud as wll), at one point he says “I know things too” which should have been implied without him saying anything. He’s logic- of course he’s smart. Yet, he still felt the need to say this. He obviously felt insecure that the others were questioning his abilities, and probably wanted to remind himself of that as well.

What’s strikes me as odd about this- is what would be the purpose of him being insecure? Roman deals with ego- so pride or lack there of in moments makes sense for Roman, in Virgil because of his anxiety function, and even Patton as emotions. Logan though? how would insecurity be logical?

So, he’s insecure, he has a temper, and he’s well- decietful himself. 

He’s always saying how he’s emotionless- but i don’t even need to explain how this isn’t true. I”ve already done that above. He not only feels emotions- but can feel so passionately that they even defeat any sense of logic for him as well.

Basically, Logan has proven to show his own less than happy and helpful emotions yet tries to hide it. If Thomas didn’t have a reason behind Logan’s intense emotions, than why would he have Logan lie all the time? The one who is always yelling “Falsehood”?

So- while i’m not saying that Logan is a dark side, he’s not exactly a light side either. 

I can’t help but feel like we havent seen the climax of Logan’s emotions just yet. Sure- he threw something at Roman, but I feel like they’ll be more. After all- everyone was shocked in that episode right than- but never really mentioned it again. I may just be crazy- but I feel like Logan will explode in a larger way. Logan will be forced to confront his feelings, and maybe Deciet will be the one to do this. (remember in the last video? Logan: “I don’t feel anything”, Deciet: “oh of course you don’t” in a mocking tone) 

I can’t say I know how this will play out- but I feel like *not* having Logan’s objection to feelings having a reasoning behind it would be bad characterization on Thomas and Joan’s part. There’d be no point in his outbursts really.

So to summarize: Logan will explode and forced to confront his emotions.

@pawtonsanders as promised! -also I apologize for probably wasting your time, i always take an overly long time to get to my conclusions because I feel like I have to explain everything. It’s how I end up with atleast a paragraph on answers that only need a sentence-

-this was going to be longer, but i forced myself to cut back on some of it-

[flamereign]

so i’ve always sorta wanted to make a short (ish) overview of lea’s mental/emotional state during & post kh3,  as the game in all it’s Disney Is For Kids!!! fashion glossed over a lot of the results, repercussions and consequences of going through the kind of trauma axelea went through. of course, this is based on my view of events ( i.e. lea did not relinquish his heart willingly and did not cope well at all to his heartless state as axel which does have repercussions on lea’s state of mind once he got his heart back ) and what i’d imagine that would do to a guy who spent about a decade in a really emotionally toxic environment basically suppressing his emotions / memories and even his past identity.  as i just want to give an overview, i tried keeping it as short and to the point as possible, but it did still get a tad long thanks to my tendency to ramble so sorry in advance ... 

in any case, thanks for reading!  here goes

during and early post kh3 lea gets easily overwhelmed by emotions. as i stated earlier, he did spent about a decade believing he couldn’t feel,  even resulting in him gaslighting himself whenever he did feel something. because he essentially lost his heart around age 15-16 you could say he’s basically still stuck in puberty, only with some added ptsd to the mix: lea literally has to relearn how to process and identify emotions within himself after a decade of suppressing them*. emotions, therefore, tend to hit him hard and fast, can take him utterly by surprise and he has difficult getting them back under control. this can lead to either an overreaction of a certain type of emotion ( for example laughter that turns to unstoppable giggles,  tears that turn to uncontrollable sobbing, mild anxiety that can flip to a panic attack at even the smallest triggers ),  contrary emotional reactions ( crying when happy, wanting to laugh when actually feeling angry or nervous, or even just a lack of emotional response when he's feeling sad ) loss of temper / anger due to embarrassment or even complete dissociation / a feeling of numbness. *see also point 3

this emotional overload leads to hypersensitivity especially if there are added outside stimuli; if it gets really bad even the touch of clothes against his skin feels like too much. in some cases, it can also result in a feeling of extreme depersonalization**, a feeling like he’s not part of his own body anymore,  like his consciousness is torn in every which direction and he’s about to splinter apart. his usual reaction is to isolate himself to a contained space with little to no outside stimuli ( so a dark, quiet and small space ) until he can come back to himself. if for any reason he can’t,  it will result in an anxiety attack or even him flipping to rage form and lashing out. **in this case, it actually helps him a lot of there is a weight placed on top of him to ground him back into the here and now: sometimes this means he’ll go sit in the shower under a really hard stream of water,  or he’ll go huddle into a really tight space or, if there is someone around he trusts, he’ll even calm down if they lay down on top of him as it also reassures him they’re real and they’re there.  anyone else touching him is a big no no in this situation, however. 

lea has a mild case of alexithymia as a result of the decade long suppression of his own emotions and feelings.  though this condition is defined as a personality trait,  in lea’s case it’s more of a result of that very specific trauma ( see also the point 1 ), and will get less impacting as time goes on and lea learns to readjust to life with heart and emotions once more. alexithymia is mainly characterized by: a) difficulty identifying feelings and distinguishing between feelings in the self and in others, b) difficulty describing feelings to others.  point a) also results in point 1 and 2 while point b) results more in point 4 below and actually makes talking about his experiences and his feelings quite taxing for him.

as a result of all of the above, he still shows a lot of avoidance behaviors:  deflecting ( mostly with humour or self depreciation ),  distracting himself w/ something else instead of letting himself process ( like, throwing himself immediately into training to become a keyblade wielder and saving his friends rather than, yanno, give himself some fucking time to breathe ),  becoming defensive or angry when people push ( exceptions here roxas / xion / isa / others, depending on plotted relationship, but even then it’s difficult for him to fully open up ) and he’ll rather avoid talking about the heavy stuff altogether for as long as possible, preferring to act like things are fine even if his body language and facial expressions clearly show things are, in fact, not fine. 

to add to the above:  unlike axel,  who had a kick ass poker face, lea has a really hard time hiding what he feels,  but that still doesn’t make it easier for him to express what he feels.  he may be an open book to others,  but it’s not as obvious to himself. of course contextually or depending on the situation he can infer whether his own state of mind is happy or sad or anxious and he does still have previous experience to draw on,  but if the context or situation can’t help him it could be that he cries but will not be able to say if they’re happy tears or sad tears,  if he feels unsettled he won’t be able to easily discern if it’s anger, if it’s frustration, anxiety or simply because there’s something physical going on ( lack of sleep / eating / oncoming illness etc etc ).  as you can imagine this is very frustrating to him and does not help the bullet points i already expanded on above. 

regardless of the motivations and traumas that guided axel’s behaviors and actions ( which i will make a separate post about ),  getting his heart back has been a quite eye-opening experience to lea to the extent he’s willing to go to survive,  to all of his worst qualities and sides and to the fact that he’s capable of doing the things he’s done:  his past as axel and the things he’s done are causing a tremendous amount of guilt, identity issues*** and even self-loathing culmulating in mild depression.  in short, the confidence he used to have as a kid and as a nobody have taken a big ass dent.  despite the fact that the keyblade has chosen him,  he often doubts and second guesses on whether he’s even worthy of it and had it not been for his determination to save his friends and fix past wrongs,  he might’ve even renounced that power all together thinking he doesn’t truly deserve to be a wielder.  this self-doubt and lack of confidence caused him a lot of issues in his training even getting the keyblade to appear and is, imo, one of the big reasons why he was overpowered so easily by xemnas in that final confrontation.  ***in my opinion, the traits of the nobodies can be seen as that actual person’s worst traits magnified -- in a way, axel can be seen as lea’s inner darkness: the selfishness, the impulsiveness, the temper, that manipulative side, the ruthlessness and the dishonesty are all traits that were already there, but were always balanced out and trumped by his positive traits. lea post kh3 has gotten to know a lot more about himself and essentially does not like the things he found out:  quite understandably he’s having a hard time accepting and reconciling axel with who he is as lea now and as a result he subconsciously tries to suppress the parts that are axel while consciously trying to accept them, which causes him to feel like he’s not sure anymore who he is and who he is supposed to be.  this only adds to the guilt and self-doubts he already experiences.  this is also why i thought that him letting other people use the name axel for him so easily was a really weird decision in the game. 

with his tendency to doubt his own worth also comes paranoia. one big example is the automatic suspicion he feels at nice / friendly gestures, actions or words -- a suspicion mainly borne from the thought that he doesn’t really deserve those,  or that it shouldn’t be as easy. especially during kh3 this will largely center around the other wielders of light or really anyone who’s known him as axel. 

a large part of the paranoia is also linked to his ptsd; he is very hyper-aware:  this can be hyper-awareness in specific situations -- for example he’ll feel uncomfortable in large crowds, or in spaces with low visibility, he’ll flinch at loud & sudden noises, will go from relaxed to ready to attack in the span of a second if someone or something startles him and he will shy away from touch from people he doesn’t know -- or even in a general sense meaning that in any given situation where things seem to be going well or he’s feeling happy he’s always in some part waiting for the other shoe to drop or for the situation to blow up in his face as some kind of karmic retribution. as a result, there’s part of him that has become very sensitive to change as any signs of abrupt and inexplicable change in his life will be interpreted as a sign of impending doom, to put it very dramatically. this in turn can feed into the emotional overload and bodily hypersensitivity i described further above. 

for that latter part, the same can be said about his relationships with other people. i don’t think it’ll come as a surprise to know that with everything he’s gone through and the losses he’s faced as axel, his part of the blame in that aside for a moment, lea has some major abandonment issues.   this also ties in with his low confidence, self-doubt and guilt complex: it’ll take a long time for him to trust that someone will actually want to stick around and part of him is also hypersensitive to signs of behavioral changes in others towards him -- in short, part of him is also always waiting for the people he cares about and who obviously also care about him to wise up about what a failure he is and consequentially leave him. if by any chance this does happen, even if it is through no fault of any party, he’ll always instinctively place the blame on himself, putting it down as something he’s said or done to make that person go.  as a result, if that person returns lea will be both clingy as well a avoidant as he a) wants for them to stick around and b) doesn’t trust them not to leave again, so it’d be better to simply keep his distance. 

the above also results in him not wanting to show his flaws, his doubts and weaknesses: he loathes failure, internalizes and bottles up a lot of his negative emotions towards himself and others and pushes himself beyond his boundaries often just to try and prove that he can ( despite not truly believing that he is ). he’s afraid that if the people he cares for and respect know about his doubts and fears, it’ll increase the risk of them leaving him behind. this is especially apparent in kh3 towards his fellow keyblade wielders: despite having his doubts about being worthy of the keyblade, it’s not something he would’ve ever said or shown, believing that if he showed any signs of not being able to handle the weight of the keyblade, they’d sideline him or boot him out completely. considering a big motivation for him joining the battle in the first place was to atone, to fix past mistakes by helping to save his friends, the idea of having that chance taken away caused a lot of fear and inner stress, resulting in frequent bouts of exhaustion and depression, more self-loathing, defensiveness and even anger if someone tried to critique his actions or question his motives. 

due to the above described symptoms of his ptsd, depression and emotional instability, he has issues with insomnia. whenever he does manage to get sleep, he also frequently experiences very vivid nightmares and night terrors. whereas as axel he’d turn to sleep to pass the time,  as lea he tends to avoid sleep altogether unless absolutely necessary.

obviously i realize that reading all of the above combined makes it sound as if lea’s struggling under huge emotional and mental strain every day ( and technically speaking he sorta is because this is not something that turns off from one day to the next ),  but i also want to add that lea himself doesn’t particularly think of himself as unhappy or depressed 24/7 ( or even at all ) so it’ll not always be super apparent in his attitude or the way i write him in threads. imo, lea’s strength has always come from his empathy, his mental fortitude and his ability to adapt --- and i don’t want to forget that on top of all the negative, he’s finally experiencing all the positive sides of having his heart back as well. this, plus the fact that, unlike axel, he actually has a support system to fall back on, friends that support him and who he can support in return, definitely help him a lot in his day to day activities. 

nevertheless the above are all factors i take into account to determine the way axelea thinks and chooses to react to certain situations and in his interpersonal relationships and are thus important to my portrayal of him. so to anyone who’s read this entire thing:  i love you from the bottom of my heart. 

[gruesomeplants]

Bad Behavior

I was an overly defiant child. Dad says, "if someone told you to jump, you'd super glue your feet to the floor just so you couldn’t." I'd often take it to a grandiose level with temper tantrums and violence toward myself or anyone in reach.

I did, thankfully, grow out of it. Dad loved telling me the story about when he took me to a doctor who specialized in adolescent behavior.

"You weren't any older than 5," Dad said. "Mom and I were at our wits end and covered with bruises and scratches. You had just been kicked out of kindergarten for stabbing a kid with a crayon." He laughed, and while I felt shame, I laughed too. "Imagine. A *crayon.* Anyway, this doctor, Dr. Skinner, recommended we homeschool you. He thought you were imagining some kind of threat that wasn’t even real. He was a pretty smart fellow, though I definitely had my doubts at first. I swear, though, you haven't stabbed anyone with a crayon ever since, thank God. I'd hate to have to arrest you."

Dad is a retired cop and Mom is the stay-at-home type. This allowed her to educate me and help me work through my issues.

Mom started taking me on play dates at the park when I was about 9 or 10. We'd go once or twice every few weeks and it was the best feeling in the world. I'd earn this play time by doing my chores, listening to my parents, and using my words instead of violence. That's another thing Dr. Skinner recommended - rewarding positive behavior.

By the time I was 13, I was the most well-behaved kid my parents had ever known. I was doing housework and holding myself accountable. My self-esteem grew the more dutiful I was. Dad thinks most of the dangerous behavior I had as a kid was caused by a lack of self-esteem. As my self-esteem grew, the danger diminished.

I became so trustworthy that when I was 14, Dad stopped locking the bolt outside my bedroom door. He had to install it one night during my tantrum-phase after I ran out of the house and hit my head against a tree, causing a permanent jagged scar above my right eyebrow. I don't remember most of that night, except Dad's fear (which turned to anger) when he brought me back inside. Dad and Mom were terrified for me and couldn't think of any other solution, which I understand. Dad says that after a few months, it was almost as if the clanking sound of the bolt lulled me right to sleep each night.

Dad hasn't really lost his temper with me since then, until an incident that happened about an hour ago that still makes me feel sick about myself.

Last week, while cleaning up Mom and Dad's room, I found a large trunk under the bed. This is a part of their bedroom that's off limits for me, so I shouldn't have even been looking under the bed. I'd lost an earring, though, and thought it rolled under there.

My old lack of impulse-control came back with a vengeance when I saw the mystery trunk. I pulled it from under the bed and opened it without thought.

I scanned the contents of the trunk, trying not to focus on any item in particular while I waited for my conscience to show up. My conscience seemed to be on sabbatical, however, and my eyes started looking more closely at the contents.

Most of the items were documents of some sort. Pretty boring. There were also some random photos and newspaper clippings. I took in the sight of it all, but my stomach started hurting from anxiety. With a deep breath, my self-control came back and I closed the trunk. It was a fairly innocuous event, but I felt absolutely awful about even touching the trunk. The shame poured through me like a cold glass of water and my stomach hurt. I walked away and tried to forget I'd even found it.

However, I couldn't forget. Every time I saw Mom and Dad I got a stomach ache. The shame was manifesting itself physically and I had to purge myself of it.

So, this evening, I came clean to my parents about it. I was afraid of how they'd react but I knew I had to tell them. I was worried that allowing this to build inside of me would spiral back into old habits.

So, while Mom, Dad and I sat at the kitchen table eating spaghetti, I said, "I accidentally found that trunk under your bed."

Mom coughed a bit while Dad dropped his fork with more force than I'd expected.

"What'd you just say?" Dad asked. His brown eyes bore into mine and I felt like I'd just stolen money or something. My cheeks grew hot and I dug my fingernails into my now-sweaty palms.

"I'm sorry!" I shouted. "I was in your room putting new pillowcases on the pillows and my earring fell out and I couldn't find it so I crawled around by the bed to look and I found the trunk." I dug my fingernails deeper into my palms.

"Okay," Dad said. He cracked his neck and folded his arms on the table. "Did you open the trunk?"

"Yes, sir," I said. I'd gotten into the habit of calling him "sir" when I was around 7 years old. I must've thought I was so adorable.

"Why the fuck would you do that?!" Dad screamed. My insides felt like I’d swallowed razors at this point and I couldn't catch my breath.

Dad had never cussed at me before as far as I can remember. It made my whole body tense and shake. My stomach did flips and my legs felt numb. It may sound silly, but I almost thought he'd hit me or something.

For a while we stayed in that silence and once my body adjusted, I cried. These were the ugly, heaving kind of cries that you see when someone loses a loved one or something.

Dad relaxed in his chair and Mom stayed quiet, as usual. She provided a silent comfort that I truly needed in that moment. She handed me a napkin to blow my nose with.

"Okay, why don't you go off to bed early and Mom and I will discuss how to handle this situation. Get some rest," he said. His face was still red, but it was fading to pink around his ears. I could tell he was calming down.

I nodded and excused myself. I've been in my room now since the incident. I'm making myself paranoid and am worried I'll become violent or dangerous again.

I’m even hallucinating — the smell of gasoline, the taste of smoke, the sound of someone locking my door.

I wanted to go to bed with a clear conscience, but I'm suddenly beyond exhausted. I certainly hope that after some sleep and once I clear the air with Dad, these hallucinations will stop.

Especially the one about the trunk.

I can’t get it out of my mind.

The guilt and shame must have manifested into this idea that, in my scan of the contents of the trunk that day, I saw an article about a kidnapped 4-year-old. A beautiful, little girl with a jagged scar above her eyebrow, just like mine.

[youremyonlyhope]

The Last Jedi

Here we go. The most controversial Star Wars movie ever (unless Rise of Skywalker has reviews that are just as mixed. I haven’t read any so I don’t know how it’s been received yet.) I actually really really enjoyed the Last Jedi, but I haven’t rewatched it since I saw it in theaters.

Also, unrelated, but literally just a few hours ago I met Oscar Isaac. I was doing a caroling event where I work, and he came by with his son to watch. During one of our breaks, he asked if his son could try the microphone and he held him up so he could whisper and sing stuff into the mic. It was adorable.

I seemed to be the only person who recognized who he was, though one of my co-workers said he had thought so too but he wasn’t sure until I confirmed it. So I went up to Oscar and said hi, asked if he was Oscar Isaac, shook his hand, and thanked him for coming. He says that it was great and that his son loves to sing.

I always joked that I’d bump into Oscar one day since he lives in Brooklyn, but I didn’t think it’d actually happen. And not while I’m wearing a Star Wars shirt and Star Wars socks (which he obviously couldn’t see since I was bundled up in a coat and a scarf and boots but whatever). And definitely not the day before I’m supposed to see the Rise of Skywalker.

I’m still freaking out oh my god. Ok. Time to rewatch the Last Jedi.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... This was the first Star Wars movie I’d seen in theaters in like 12 years at this point. Seeing those words on a giant screen again was amazing. “Certain that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker will return and restore a spark of hope to the fight.” I love that line. I love any and all comparisons of Luke to hope. Yes I am biased. But also, restoring the spark is exactly he does in the end so yes, I love it. It’s just now hitting me that we’re picking up exactly where we left off. Having 1 night between the two movies is every different than having 2 years. ...Was that whatsherface from Game of Thrones, Catelyn’s creepy sister? (IMDB says yes) *BB8 beeps* “Happy beats here buddy, come on.” BB8 sort of said the thing! Also, OH MY GOD I JUST MET OSCAR ISAAC AND NOW HERE HE IS ON MY SCREEN WHAT THE HELL. Was today even real? Oh General Hugs. “Skinny guy. Kinda pasty.” Knowing Oscar and Domnhall are friends makes this better. Oh BB8. Very honorable of Billie Lourd’s Lieutenant Connix to make sure she’s in the last ship leaving the base so everyone else leaves before her. I forgot about the chain reaction of bombs destroying their own Resistance ships... You know, Paige dying while dropping the last of the bombs was already emotional. Rewatching it after you know she’s Rose’s sister makes it worse. First Binary Sunset of the movie. General Hugs has a very good upset face that makes me not feel bad for him at all. More like I want to punch him. Snoke can use the Force across the galaxy... forgot about that. I realized I didn’t mention this in the last one, but I remember the crew complaining that when they filmed the end of Force Awakens it was a cloudy day, but then when they went back to the island for TLJ it was super sunny. And now that it’s been pointed out, I noticed it immediately. Luke throwing the lightsaber. I can’t remember if I was spoiled for this but I feel like when I watched it, I wasn’t that thrown off by it. Something else I didn’t mention at the end of Force Awakens is that I LOVE this set. The stone houses are amazing. Oh porgs. Also, that porg looking into the lightsaber always gives me anxiety. The first words we hear Luke say in 40 years are an annoyed “Go away.” which at least is less whiney than the Tosche Station. Oh Chewie’s like “DUDE. WE NEED YOU.” “Wait... where’s Han?” Awww. Throwing in a little Vader’s theme in there. More temper tantrums. People getting mad at Luke calling a lightsaber a laser sword (in a purposefully mocking way) even though George Lucas himself called them that in some interviews. Yes, it’s not a laser sword, but Luke is trying to show how ridiculous he thinks the idea of him taking down everything is by calling a lightsaber that. I remember being like “Luke... no let’s not just milk that thing... oh ew” I do love the shot of Luke using the giant stick to cross to the other cliff and kill the fish. God that’s a steep hill. “No one’s from nowhere.” “Jakku.” “Alright that is pretty much nowhere.” That’s funny. “It’s time for the Jedi to end.” Remember when that line in the trailer made the fandom literally break down? I love knowing that behind the scenes, Carrie had to slap Oscar a billion times. Also, I do not blame Leia at all. So many people were mad about Leia and Holdo demoting Poe, but Poe was too fearless in that moment. Yes, he destroyed the ship and it worked out, but they lost so many people and they already didn’t have many to begin with. It was worth it, but at a very high cost. So I don’t blame her. Heyyyyyy it’s that girl from that Black Mirror episode and what was that other show? Chewing Gum or something? (IMDB says yes it’s Michaela Coel) See and Poe’s already learning a little by asking permission. Of course... later on he doesn’t ask permission... but whatever. Leia’s Theme... causing me pain. Oh, Kylo didn’t kill his mom. We’re supposed to be happy about that? The bar is on the ground. The utter horror I felt the first time the control room was destroyed and Leia was pulled into space. Oh I love the moment when Leia flies in. Because I’d heard that in the books and comics, we get to explore Leia’s Force abilities and stuff but we don’t get it in the movies besides “I feel that Luke’s in trouble.” Which sucks, because she is the “other” if Luke didn’t work out, so she’s just as strong as Luke if she got trained. They should have just trained both kids honestly, why did they pick the boy? Not saying Obi-Wan and Yoda are sexist... but they’re probably sexist. Also, foreshadowing. I actually noticed the hologram of the ship and Leia flying through this time. Oh Chewie. I like the porg that literally has his jaw dropped in horror. Knowing now that the dice were kind of a symbol of Kira (was that Emilia Clarke’s character?) and Han’s relationship makes me not like them as much. Still, cute throwback that they’re still on the Falcon. We can just ignore they weren’t there in Force Awakens (I kept an eye out and didn’t see them) The way Luke laughed when he said “R2!” I just... my heart. “Nothing can make me change my mind” *R2 plays the Leia hologram* I literally just went “AWWWW” out loud because I forgot that that’s why R2 started playing it. Oh my heart. That hurt the first time. Luke standing over Rey, but offering to help her. Parallels. Oh Admiral Ackbar. I love Holdo’s dress. I love the draping. Someone teach me how to make it. “Thank you for making me aware.” Yeah Poe, she already knows. Stop mansplaining. This is literally a case of mansplaining, why would Poe think he’d have to explain to a commander that there’s no fuel? Yeah it’s a little harsh, but is Holdo wrong? All of these fanboys complain about Canto Bight, but forget that it was Poe’s idea. Then they go and say Holdo was too mean should have put Poe in charge. Guys. Poe’s impulsive. We love him, but he’s the ultimate Gryffindor with no fear and will just do anything without considering consequences. I do wish Holdo had been more open like “I have a plan. You don’t need to know all the parts of it. Just let me do what I need to, ok?” instead of “Just follow my orders.” but still. Oh poor Rose. “Doing talking....” Oh she’s so cute. “I’ve had to stun 3 people trying to use this escape pod.” We love a girl who can fight. Yeah. Once again. Not mad at Rose. Finn does have some selfish tendencies, he’s well meaning but ultimately selfish (or at least, only thinking of Rey). So I do not blame Rose for stunning him.

And now I will take a nap since I have to go to a show tonight. And then I will finish the last 3/4-ish of the movie when I get home later.

Annnnd I’m back!

See. Rose has good reason to be mad at deserters. Ok so it wasn’t Poe’s idea to go to the Star Destroyer it was Finn’s. I will give him that. But still Poe went along with it. “That... wasn’t exactly my...” Oh 3PO. I wish Maz had had a bigger scene. More Lupita please. I have one question: from what angle is this hologram filmed? And how does the camera follow her? I guess it’s multiple hologram cameras, but still, it followed her as she rolled and ran around. Also, did Finn call Maz or did Poe call her? Because as far as we know, only Finn knows her. It seemed like they both had the idea to call her, but that Poe had it first. Did Finn tell Poe about Maz? I’m glad they showed Finn handing Poe the binary tracker thing, since for a second I was like “What if Rey had popped up next to Finn on the Star Destroyer?” I’m glad Rey’s first instinct is to shoot Kylo. “Can you see my surroundings?” “You’re gonna pay for what you did.” “I can’t see yours.” Why do I remember that line so vividly? Why does it make me feel so unsettled? Rey, my sweet Rey, I wish you had just told Luke that you saw Kylo. I love Luke’s explanation of the Force. And him messing with Rey was funny. I love when Rey’s reaching out and feeling life, death, peace, violence, etc. And I love Luke saying the Force doesn’t belong to the Jedi, because it doesn’t. The Jedi failed years ago. “You didn’t even try to stop yourself.” Luke’s horrified. But also, Rey’s just like an extreme version of Luke. Yoda knew that Luke’s emotions could make him vulnerable to the dark side, Rey’s already vulnerable. Yeah, I don’t blame Luke for being scared of Rey after he feels like this is Ben all over again. Oh my god. I love the porg that has a metal piece over its head. That actually made me laugh out loud. Poor Chewie.

I just had to refresh tumblr because my draft wasn’t saving. It brought me back to my dashboard. Where there was a spoiler for the new movie and it wasn’t tagged. PLEASE tag your spoilers people.

The water hitting Kylo still confuses me. Say what you will about the Canto Bight plot... the costumes are AMAZING. The costumes literally make the whole side plot worth it to me. Literally I was just in awe by all the costumes during every single scene. And the set! The set’s fantastic too! I literally just paused every single second to take in all of the costumes. Do I care if the Canto Bight trip ended up pointless? Nope! Because it gave me some of Star Wars’ best costumes. Oh... to be an extra in the Canto Bight scene... Just show up... And put on a beautiful outfit... And do nothing else but pretend to drink, talk, and gamble... That’s the dream. Oh hi Mark Hamill! That was cute that they let him voice that little thing. I remember noticing the thing and being like “...is he important?” and nope, it’s just Mark doing an extra voice. Oh I love the Fathiers. Aww and it’s the little Force sensitive boy. I have thoughts about that kid that I can get into later. The way BB8 jingles with the coins. I love it.

Rey: *Does a move with her stick* Rey: *Does the same exact move with the lightsaber* Fanboys: She’s too good too fast! Mary Sue!

As I said throughout all of the Force Awakens, she’s just applying the skills she already had. If anything, a lightsaber’s easier since it’s half the length and she doesn’t have to worry about the back of it hitting her. LOL, remember when we thought this shot was an epic shot of Luke training her? Good times. Oh that poor fish nun. Everything Luke says about the Jedi is true (also did I not say they failed earlier in the post? Luke agrees with me). Rey’s right that a Jedi got Ani to come back from the dark side, but the Jedi’s system enabled him to turn in the first place. Soooooo yeah. Oh Luke. Don’t blame yourself. Kylo was already basically gone. Sure, seeing his uncle standing over him with a lightsaber definitely didn’t help... but it’s not the only thing that made him turn. Who is this captain of the medical ship? He looks familiar. (IMDB says he’s Danny Sapani. I probably recognized him from the Crown) Oh BB8. Finn, did you learn nothing from Rey? Put the cover back on the vent! Awww the Fathiers have such sad eyes... I love the Resistance ring. Can I buy one? Ok. The shot of the bubble egg lady singing felt like it was much longer the first time, but it’s really only a split second. I. LOVE. THE. CANTO. BIGHT. SET. I know it’s a real town in like Italy or somewhere near the Mediterranean. I want to go. I love it. I love that the first thing Luke does when he decides to use the Force again is to seek out Leia. Oh poor Adam became a meme after this. He just has a very wide and bulky body, ok? God Luke looks so scary in Kylo’s flashback. “Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.” That reflection scene is so visually stunning. So in a way, it’s like Luke is failing Rey like he failed Ben. He’s not helping her in the way she needs, so she’s being lured by the dark side instead. I love the walls falling around Luke. “Did you do it? Did you create Kylo Ren?” Rey, he already told you earlier that he believes it’s his fault, so the answer from him is yes. I can’t remember if we hear this story of Luke and Kylo one more time after this or not. “Then he’s our last hope.” Ok ew. No. Kylo is not allowed to be compared to hope. Only Luke, Leia, or Obi-Wan can be. Oh for a second I thought that torch was a lightsaber. YODA!!!!! I think I had been spoiled for Yoda showing up. It was definitely still exciting though. “The sacred Jedi texts!” Oh Luke. Oh memes. Not as whiney as I remembered. “But that library contained nothing that the girl Rey does not already possess.” Because Yoda knows she stole the books. Oh Yoda. I love Yoda. Oh Rose. Ok, so I will give it to Poe that at this moment it doesn’t seem like Holdo has a good plan. Abandoning ship isn’t necessarily cowardly, but on the surface it does seem like it puts them in more danger. Literally earlier today I watched a video about the layout of the Millennium Falcon, and the escape pods were mentioned. And I thought to myself, wow that must be something from the novels since we’ve definitely never seen that in the movies. Welp... I was wrong... Rey’s in one now. I was about to be like “Do they not care that an escape pod just docked?” before I saw Kylo. LOL the iron coming down like a ship. I feel like I remember being completely terrified when Rey stepped in front of Snoke. Oh BB8. Bumping into stuff. I remember being super relieved that DJ (has he told us this is his name yet? I can’t remember) gave back the medallion. Captain Phasma! Hey girl hey! Leia shooting Poe is still funny to me. Also Lieutenant Billie Connix is smart.  I love the scene of Holdo and Leia saying goodbye. Also, Holdo’s purple hair with her bright blue eyes is super striking. Good choice. Snoke puts down the lightsaber. Unknowingly sealing his fate. Literally when Snoke reveals he connected their minds, I was like OF COURSE. Because the whole time I’m like neither of them are strong enough to do this. “She was more interested in protecting the light than she was seeming like a hero.” See. And that’s the flaw in both Poe and Finn. And Rey to an extent. They’re thinking about the big picture, but in context of smaller things like seeming like a hero, saving Rey, saving Kylo, etc. But Holdo’s thinking of only the big picture. I knew DJ betrayed them, I just forgot how badly.

And here’s another annoyance (which I was sorta trying to touch on earlier). Everyone hates the Canto Bight plot, yet they complain about Holdo trying to take charge. If Poe just let Holdo take charge and ignored Finn and Rose’s idea, then her plan would have been a complete success. No Canto Bight, no DJ to betray them, all the transports make it to Crait unnoticed, and the First Order eventually destroys a ship that’s empty except for Holdo. They complain about Holdo, but don’t think about the fact that Holdo could have prevented another plot they hated if the main characters had just listened to her.

And then Snoke hits Rey and literally puts the lightsaber back to where it will kill him. Ok literally I just misread a caption that said “Lord Vader” as “Lord Voldemort” and I was very confused. Taking a second to say that I love this set of Snoke’s throne room. Been thinking it forever, but Kylo picking up the lightsaber off the ground and seeing the reflection in the smooth red floor is amazing. Kylo igniting the lightsaber through Snoke is amazing. Also, I typed “Ben igniting” before literally freezing for a second and being like “...ok that’s a lot to unpack” I guess when he does something good my brain thinks of him as Ben instead of Kylo. ALSO, arm #16 and #17, I love that Snoke’s arms were cut off too in true Star Wars fashion. And I am VERY excited to see this fight scene again. I told myself not to pause at all during the Kylo and Rey team up fight, but I paused literally a second into it because Binary Sunset yes.

And my idiot brother and my mom are texting in the family group chat so it’s popping up on my screen throughout this scene. Ugh.

All of these red knight weapons are so cool. And I forgot about the one that gets chopped up... Oh my god one is a sword that transforms into a whip. LOVE. IT. And I love the quick lightsaber ignite through the head. Love it. Woah how is there still 44 minutes? I remember this battle being much closer to the end. I was wondering when the red walls went away, but I rewinded and saw that they had been slowly burning away after Rey made something hit them. Nice touch.

Ugh my brother and mom will not stop texting.

“You have no place in this story.” Wow Kylo, harsh. Oh shoot I forgot about the lightsaber breaking until they started their Force tug of war with it. I’d always wondered what would happen if someone lightsped through something... I want to say that I realized what she was doing before they told us, but now I realize that they basically told us what she would do when the First Order guy said “they’re preparing to hyperspeed.” so I guess I just caught on to the obvious hints.

God that moment still gives me chills. The silence. The way it sort of goes black and white. The multiple angles. So good.

I know for a fact that I spent the rest of the movie from this point on with my hands over my mouth in a constant stake of shock/fear/anxiety. Oh BB8. Some people thought this was ridiculous. But I had just spent the last few months rewatching the prequels before seeing this, and compared to the stuff R2 does, BB8 clumsily controlling a walker is nothing. Oh how I love Gwendoline Christie. I FORGOT THAT WE SAW HER EYE IN THE MASK. I hope Phasma survived. She’s so awesome. Ok my quality is like horrendous right now so I’m gonna refresh. LOL I FORGOT ABOUT GENERAL HUGS NEARLY ATTEMPTING TO KILL KYLO. Oh I forgot how much I love Crait as a set location. OH AND THE ICE DOG THINGS! LOVE THEM! Poe petting BB8 when he comes back kills me. I like those space age two person laptops. “People believe in Leia.” *Binary Sunset plays* My heart. Ok for a second I was like “This first person camera is like a war movie” and then it turns and we see the trench and I’m like “...ok... ok fine but that was very literal.” The red footsteps. Just... guys this set is so AMAZING. Ugh, these red streaks of dust behind them are so amazing. And when Finn passes in front of the camera, it gets covered in the dust and blurs part of the lens. Just like the Rathtar goo in the Force Awakens. I wonder if that’s going to be like... the thing of the sequels. One shot that has the camera lens partially covered by something. Also, I just wasted time trying to figure out if there’s an official name for that or not... oh well. The winding stripes left behind as they weave around... just... amazing. YEAH! GO CHEWIE! GO REY! Oh my god I forgot about the porg roaring. “Oh, they HATE that ship!” I’M DEAD. Look at the salt and how it forms the crystals in the trench. I love it. I FORGOT ABOUT THIS SHOT OF THE CAVE FULL OF THE RED SALT. I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. I remember when the trailer had the first shot of the gorilla walkers, and I didn’t notice at first that there were normal AT-ATs next to them, and then I realized these things were twice as big as AT-ATs and I was horrified. See, and now Poe has learned that you can’t always be a hero and is making a good decision. I forgot about Finn’s speeder literally melting as he gets closer. I don’t understand the people who were mad that Rose stopped Finn. I for one was HORRIFIED at just the thought of Finn dying this way and thankful she stopped him. “That’s how we’re gonna win. Not fighting what we hate, saving what we love.” The kiss is pointless but I love the line and sentiment behind it. Oh god. Ok. Here come the emotions. Binary Sunset is playing. I was a wreck. And a little of Han and Leia’s Love Theme as she sees the dice. I remember actually noticing that in the theaters and half-sobbing. Oh god the forehead kiss. Oh and he winks at 3PO as he walks by. My heart. This is the specific shot of the gorilla walkers and the AT-ATs in a line that freaked me out. That shot of Luke standing up against all the First Order walkers and ships. Amazing. That shoulder brush though. Kylo’s so dumb, he literally just watched that lightsaber get destroyed, he HELPED destroy it. He should have known something was up, it couldn’t have been repaired that quickly. Purposeful shot of Luke’s feet not moving the salt. That Matrix back bend though. “I will have killed the last Jedi.” He said the title. Also, is that the only time it’s said? Because they say it a lot in Force Awakens but I don’t think so yet in this movie.. “And I will not be the last Jedi.” Ok so now it’s said again by Luke. Purposeful shot of Kylo’s shoe leaving a footprint as he runs to Luke. I’m pretty sure I probably shrieked when he tried to slice Luke in half.

I just now remembered that I’d actually kind of wondered if he’d be a Force projection or something when he first showed up. Because I’d just watched Return of the Jedi like a week earlier and saw Obi-Wan do it, so I wondered if Luke was doing it too. Especially when Poe said Luke was distracting the First Order. It passed my mind and was confirmed when Kylo couldn’t hit him. And here’s where I started to feel like my world was crumbling...

Oh god. My eyes are wet. It hurts. But when I watched it the first time, I really felt like my world was absolutely falling a part and ending forever while I watched Luke die. With the stupid binary sunset in front of him just like when he was a teenager and when he was a baby. One of the first things he ever saw was the binary sunset. I was like “This is beautiful, but that doesn’t mean I’m not completely in pain and dying.” That shot from above of Kylo with the stormtroopers, mirroring a shot from the prequels of Ani. Nice. So do they still have that connection even if Snoke’s dead?

HEY! Hey. Those dice were still visible to Kylo even after Luke was dead... was Leia Force projecting them to Kylo? It wouldn’t take as much work as doing it to everyone else at once from lightyears away. One person, your son, would be easier. So maybe... maybe Leia’s the one continuing the projection of the dice. I’m gonna stick with that theory thanks.

Awww BB8 asked Rey about his antenna, just like when they first met. Remember when people were like “Are Poe and Rey gonna be a thing?!?!?” and of course I’d much prefer that over Reylo thanks. The books! Somehow, that obvious shot of the books goes over so many people’s heads. So many complaints about the books getting burned, when they literally show us that Rey saved them. I had never noticed the bunks in the Millennium Falcon either until I saw that video earlier, and I’m glad I got to actually see one in use since Rose is sleeping in one.

Oh GOD the entirety of the Resistance can fit on the Millennium Falcon... that is NOT good.

I LOVE the scene of the kids retelling the story of Luke. I must have already gone in depth about this 2 years ago, but I love it. Luke became a legend in the end. He didn’t necessarily want to be one, but he’s become one. It was exactly what was in the opening scroll, he restored the spark of hope. That subtle use of the Force by that little boy. With Binary Sunset playing. And I love that last shot of him holding the broom up like a lightsaber.

I nearly forgot that they put in “In loving memory of our princess, Carrie Fisher” at the end. That’s what got me to finally cry. 40 straight minutes of covering my mouth in anxiety, then feeling like my world was crashing down around me as Luke died. Having it dedicated to Carrie made me just start sobbing so hard. Watch that happen again tomorrow.

I remember when I left the theater, at first I was like “What if the boys is Rey’s brother?!” but then... I realized that a huge point of the movie went over my head for a second there.

The fandom got so caught up in figuring out who Rey’s parents are, whether it’s Obi-Wan or Luke or Leia or even Palpatine, that they were mad when Kylo said they were no one. But like... guys... not every single Force user is related to the Skywalkers or anyone else we already know. There were hundreds of Jedi in the prequels, because anyone can be Force sensitive. Obi-Wan’s parents were nobody, Qui-Gon’s parents were nobody, Mace’s parents were nobody. They didn’t come from long lines of Force users (at least in movie lore), BECAUSE THE JEDI WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO HAVE KIDS. The Skywalkers aren’t even a long line, it’s just 3 generations at this point. So literally none of the Jedi of the past came from powerful Force users (or at least from ones who got the chance to become Jedi) since that literally goes against the code.

Luke found at least 11 other Force sensitive kids to train alongside Ben, their parents were all definitely nobodies since he’s the last Jedi. Ben is an anomaly, Luke and Leia are anomalies, the Jedi don’t have kids! The fandom got so caught up in figuring out who Rey could be related to, that they forgot that for millennia the individual Jedi were not related to anyone.

Anyone can be Force sensitive. Anyone can be a Jedi. Rey is an example of that. That little boy is an example of that. That’s why I love that the little Force sensitive boy was the final shot of the movie. He was meant to reassure and remind us after the Rey parentage reveal that anyone can end up Force sensitive. They don’t need a famous/powerful parent. They can come from anywhere and be anyone. And I love that that’s the final note of this movie.

Some people were not reassured. Some people couldn’t handle the idea that Rey’s powerful just because she’s Rey, not because she’s someone’s daughter. She HAS to be related to someone to be that powerful, right? But every Jedi before her who was just as powerful wasn’t related to anyone, so why does she have to be?

ANYWAY! I was actually worried over the last 2 years that I’d rewatch The Last Jedi and not like it as much as I did in theaters. I still like it a lot. Even the Canto Bight scenes get redeemed by the costumes and the set being so amazing. But I love the message of don’t be a hero, this is bigger than just you. And I love the message that even if you’re “nobody” from “nowhere” you could still be Force Sensitive and you could still be a Jedi. I love Luke’s send off, I love that he does end up reigniting the spark and being a beam of hope again. I love it.

And I’m excited to see the Rise of Skywalker tomorrow.