#my adhd is more manageable when I can direct all of it at something that interests me

[aeterna---amantes]

I've been officially in 2024 for 33 minutes and it's great so far 😁

Happy new year to all of you again!!

[bookishbrewer]

Cyn - The Disabled Neurodivergent Sibling:

⚠️ WARNING: this post will include discussion of bullying, ableism of numerous kinds, abuse, trauma.

First, let's establish 2 important terms for this post:

Zombie Drone - a state in which a worker drone is improperly disposed of. The WD enters a state of self-reboot as a result of: their core not being properly disconnected, the hardware not physically destroyed or a 606 error is interrupted. In a 0.7% chance, there's the risk of said WD rebooting with a "potential hazardous mutation".

The Absolute Solver - an incredibly advanced monstrous code and supernatural artificial intelligence that mutates in damaged forms of lesser AI.

Neurodivergent:

Cyn is first introduced in a flashback in episode 2, when she is scavenged & brought back to the Elliot mansion by Tessa. Right at the beginning, we the shy drone do something that may be interpreted as neurodivergent - imprinting:

Yes, I may be reading too deeply into this, but the fact that Cyn immediately focuses on the drone with the least threatening position & expression makes me think she may interpret him as the safest person to be around.

Just before this scene, we as the audience got to see the relationship between the main 3 drones Cyn will interact with in the mension:

1. N & V - they are the more meek & submissive types. They're both portrayed as sensitive, and have something of a crush on each other.

2. J - she's more of a mean 'older-bully-sibling' type. Not hasitating to command her peers, even using verbal & physical violence to do so.

So, in a sense, Cyn was right.

In ASD, for example, neurodivergent people might rely on siblings for interpreting social cues, deepening their connection. In addition, siblings may become key figures in routines and shared interests, leading to strong bonds (see for example how N reacts to Cyn showing him "those eyes" referring to her putting a picture of a golden retriever on her visor to convince him to go ask Tessa if they can attend the gala together. Or N suggesting the both of them will watch a movie together).

For another example, ADHD, siblings might help manage impulsivity & help with conflict resolution. We see an example of this in this clip:

After Tessa's abusive mother tells her off, Cyn steps in & exclaims that "they are not broken. We can no longer be thrown out", in direct reaction to the mother threatening to throw out all of Tessa's "dumpster pets".

This, clearly, triggers Cyn's trauma we see a glimpse of in episode 5:

She wakes up in what is essentially a pile of dead bodies, deeply woulded, hurt & terrified. This is what she is referring to, this is what 'no longer' means. It means 'not again'. She doesn't wish what she went through on anyone.

Even though N, Tessa's favorite, protects Cyn, it does not shelter her from Tessa's abuse. Now, let me reiterate, I know that Tessa is an abused child. She suffers from emotional, physical & verbal abuse from both her parents (& maybe other caretakers) and is also just a kid. My point in mentioning said abuse is to merely point put that this is an example to the cycle of it continuing, creating more victims.

Tessa inflicts on Cyn the exact same abuse she suffers at the hands of her parents & more:

She displays blatent favoritism towards certain drones (N & J) over others (neglects V & treats Cyn badly).

She threatens Cyn that something might happen to her if N is hurt for defending her from her mother.

She chains & locks Cyn in the basement with the use of one of her favorite drones (J):

Another example of Cyn's implied neurodiversity is her misunderstanding of Tessa's words. When Tessa threatens Cyn that something might happen to her if N is hurt "because of her" she simply replies:

Cyn does not exactly understand that Tessa is worried that N might die. To her, it is meaningless, because she (or rather, the Absolute Solver) has backups of Ns personality (which is displayed in future episodes, when it is revealed that she is the one to send the murder drones to Copper 9). This is very similar to how people with ASD (& others) may take a statement too literally or misunderstand it at first.

Another tidbit that I like about Cyn, is that she doesn't like being condescended to. She talks back to those who belittle her because of her being 'different'. Not only to Tessa & her mother, but also to her fellow drones:

Cyn: it seems that J forgot to let me out of my basement time-out again.

J: yet here you are.

Cyn (turning to N): annoyed expression.

She also does it to N in her eldritch form:

Another thing I'd like to add is Cyn being quite quirky & unique in her peaceful days, before the Solver took over her entirely:

Physically Disabled

We know that Cyn was sent to be destroyed for some reason before the show began. Her almost being destroyed caused numerous disabilities, some of them were cured (for example: her cracked visor was fixed) but some remained as lasting effects:

Linguistic differences/disabilities -

Cyn cannot talk in a more "smooth" way like her fellow drones. Her voice can be interpreted as robotic & distant (a characteristic some neurodivergent & disabled people may have or may be precieved as having).

Instead of just doing, Cyn says her actions out loud, for example: "sheepish nod", "shuffle, shuffle, shuffle", "tantrum", "jumpscare", "light sip". Some neurodivergent individuals, such as people diagnosed with ADHD may express their thoughts or describe their actions out loud as they are doing them to help with focus, brain fog & organization.

Bodily impairments -

Cyn stands a bit crookedly & doesn't get much support from her limbs to hold her body.

Her head cannot be held straight & has to be supported by something (she usually uses her hand to do that. Even in her eldritch form, before committing the massacre in Elliot mansion):

Though there are many voices of people, both disabled & otherwise that speak against disabled characters being portrayed as villains, I believe Cyn is in no way a disrespectful character. Before she is entirely lost to the Solver her trauma is explored, validated & expended on. She is portrayed as sweet, charming, complex & loving. She is also shown as being bullied, discarded, hurt & abused.

Her disabilities are not the cause of her fall to evil & are not her "trademark" when it comes to her definition (similarly to how, let's say, Darth Vader is mocked for his suit & is known & feared partially because of it). They are a part of her, but they are not the only aspect in her life that define her.

I think Cyn is a pretty good example of what a disabled person may go through in different stages of their lives. As a new sibling, as an unfavored child, as a server/worker, as a friend, as a hero & yes, as a victim of circumstances beyond their control.

I love Cyn, she's very special to me & I can't wait to see where her story will go.

Thank you for reading 🙏💜

[girl-dot-tzt]

Alright results are in, I'm not allowed to finish for 36 days 🙃

Im going to update this as a lil diary to keep me honest💃

Day 1: I'm feeling pretty good, I notice I get really horny when I take my prog the ✨️fun way✨️ so I'm going to use that method to increase the challenge this month. I'm thinking of meeting a friend tomorrow so I'm excited!

Day 2: more of the same, pretty standard, had a great time with said friend. Getting a teeny but pent up but nothing crazy yet.

Day 3: getting more pent up but it's still manageable, made the mistake of reading a ton of horny posts and getting myself really horny. Thankfully I calmed down and now I'm good to go

Day 4: went to work, did some bike wrenching, now im boutta sleep. pretty uneventful but I'm meeting a good friend of mine tomorrow so I plan on making up for the lack of horny twofold. I need to get some Oregonian mutuals bc I'd like to bite someone :3

Day 5: got my tits fondled for like 3 hours while I watched anime and got insanely high, I need like 4 people to hold me down and grope/tease/fuck me... preferably all at once. I've got 31 more daysssssss, does it count if it's hands free? 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️

Day 6: got no sleep, very horny, idk what direction Is up, and I need an answer to the question from yesterday 😫

Day 7: got sleep but not railed because if I get railed too well I'll could possibly finish and idk if that's OK yet :3. I'm going to mountain bike today! I'm super excited bc I need something to take the edge off, if I'm really unlucky I'll get too horny from the idea of getting fucked in the woods and make an update here.

Day 8: we're evening out a little, this may not be impossible, tbf I haven't had time to do much lately so when I finally get the time to ride my toys that might change. I'm planning on doing that tomorrow :3

Day 8 update: I accidentally took two progesterone pills because I boof mine, but I accidentally muscle memory-ed taking my prog orally. Got so horny during work that I nearly cried.

Day 9: I broke some spokes while mountain biking and now I'm sad, but horny and frustrated too. I can only think about being bred, but also being sad that my bike broke, damn fucking stupid sticks getting inbetween my fucking spokes. I need railed bad, etcetera etcetera

Day 10:

Girl abs, that is all

Day 11: I'm going to fuck myself on the biggest toy I own until I'm crying or edging with my Pspot🧍‍♀️ I will return

Day 12: I'm pretty sure I ended up getting edged. Pretty sure because I've never actually finished hands free before and my vibrator died right before I was about to finish. One of you witchy mother fuckers knew I was about to cheat or something, no other explanations, couldn't possibly be that I forgot to charge toys like a dumbass. Laugh it up, I got edged hard by my ADHD.

Days 13: I had a threesome and it was awesome! I explained my agreement to them and got teased a bunch as me and my friend dommed the fuck out of a gorgeous girl. We groped and kissed and sucked all over her body as she got more and more worked up, until eventually I was fucking her with my big purple vibrator and she came hands free for the first time! We made sure to shower her with all kinds of praise and congratulations 💃💃

Days 14-16: started a new job, I'm getting so horny these days that rather than feeling butterflies it's like an almost painful NEED. Like I just desperately need to get tied up and ground into dust, getting edged with my vibrator did a number on me because I'm a mess rn😆

Days 17-20: if I may be honest i embarked on this endeavor to try to finish hands free, I've never done it before but I desperately want to. I think I'll be able to do it by the end of these 36 days or sooner. Idk it's just a hunch🧍‍♀️

Day 21-29: 10 hr shifts in a lab will drive you nuts when there's nothing to think about but getting railed and ice cream percentages. On the plus side I am not only paid but required to eat ice cream every hour at my job. On the downside, I got so horny I cried last night🧍‍♀️😵‍💫😵‍💫

[nondelphic]

Hiiii! May I ask for some advice? After a really long time of not writing fan fic, I recently started getting back into it but have been struggling… So I started using a little bit of the chat.ai help me but I feel icky about it but at the same time, I’m constantly struggling with writers block and being burnt out… What should I do?

i'm actually really glad you asked this because i've been preparing a post about using ai responsibly for writing, might just post it here lol:

tldr: this post isn’t about using ai to generate your story for you. it’s about how to utilize ai to enhance your writing process while still keeping your voice and creativity at the forefront.

the rise of ai has stirred up a lot of talk about ethics, originality, and how much tech should really be in our creative space. as writers, our work is highly personal, it's a reflection of our thoughts and experiences. so it’s totally normal to feel icky about bringing ai into the mix.

here's a hot take, though: ai isn’t here to replace your creativity. it doesn’t get the deep, emotional layers that only a human writer can bring. sure, ai can generate text, but it doesn’t really understand what it’s saying. that’s where some of the ethical concerns come in—if we rely too much on ai, we risk losing that personal touch that makes our stories resonate.

on the flip side, when used thoughtfully, ai can actually boost your creative process instead of taking away from it. think of ai as a helpful assistant, it can take care of some of the boring, tedious stuff, giving you more space to focus on what really matters: writing your story, your way. it’s not about letting ai take over, but using it to support and streamline your process.

this is not a post about my experience with ai, but i have to say, that as someone with adhd, ai has been a game-changer for me. it helps me keep track of my ideas, organize my thoughts, and even manage my writing schedule when my brain is all over the place. it's like having an extra set of hands (or, you know, a brain) to help me stay on top of everything, so i can focus more on the actual creative part of writing.

the key is to make sure ai never overshadows your original voice or creative vision. ai should be a tool that helps you bring your ideas to life, not something that writes the story for you. if you’re curious about how to use ai in your writing process while keeping your authenticity intact, here are some tips to do it responsibly:

brainstorming ideas: when you’re stuck on a plot point or character development, use ai to generate prompts or ideas. these can spark new directions for your story, giving you fresh perspectives to explore.

dialogue experimentation: if your dialogue feels flat, try using ai to generate conversation snippets based on your characters. it might not be perfect, but it can give you new ideas for how your characters might interact.

synonym suggestions: tired of using the same word over and over? ai can help you find synonyms or alternative phrases, keeping your writing fresh without losing your voice. i've found this very helpful as an ESL writer!

outline generation: got a rough idea but need a structure? use ai to create a basic outline, then tweak it to fit your vision. it’s a great way to get a head start on organizing your story.

character backstories: use ai to brainstorm character traits, backstories, or names. you can take these ideas and expand on them, adding the depth and personality that only you can create.

quick research assistance: save time by using ai for quick facts or historical details. it lets you focus more on storytelling and less on getting bogged down in research. (disclaimer: never 100% trust what an ai generates, fact check everything). i've found it a great starting point if i have a very niche question for my research.

editing help: use ai for basic grammar and spelling checks to speed up your editing process. just remember, it’s your judgment that will shape the final draft, not the ai’s.

plot analysis: use ai to scan your draft for plot holes or inconsistencies. it can help identify gaps in logic or missing links in your storyline, giving you a clearer idea of where to tighten things up.

tone consistency: ai can help you maintain a consistent tone throughout your story by analyzing your draft and suggesting adjustments where the tone shifts unexpectedly.

pacing adjustments: ai can review the pacing of your story, highlighting sections that may be too slow or too rushed, helping you find the right balance.

character consistency: track your characters' traits, behaviors, and dialogue to ensure they remain consistent throughout the story, preventing out-of-character moments.

theme reinforcement: use ai to analyze how well your themes are being conveyed across the narrative, suggesting areas where you might strengthen or clarify your message.

draft comparison: if you’ve gone through multiple drafts, ai can compare them to highlight what’s changed, what’s been improved, and what might have been lost in the revisions.

to answer your question more personally, i think we can never please everyone, and ai will continue to be developed and get better and better. i understand feeling icky about using ai, and you might get judged for it, but do what you need to do, tbh.

i have found myself in a writing routine where i use most of the advice above in my writing process. i write most of my work myself, but i use ai as a tool to bounce ideas off of, and it's been a life changer. i managed to finish my first novel draft with the help of ai, and it fuelled my creativity to have "someone" (or rather something) to feed my ideas and help them identify what i could do better.

[batbirdies]

ADHD and being your own zookeeper

So, I was diagnosed with mixed ADHD in my late 20′s. It’s been a couple years since then and I was recently lamenting to a close friend about the difficult process of working out alternative methods of doing things once you’ve (finally) realized the standard ways don’t work.

With that in mind I thought I would just volunteer some advice I have gathered over the last couple years of attempting to be my own zookeeper.

This will mainly be with an ADHD focus since that’s me but hopefully it will be helpful to lots of ND people.

to start, you’ve probably heard of inviting people over to force yourself to clean. This is.... a method. And it works! until it doesn’t (ie burnout). Basically this is a way to trigger a stress response in yourself that forces motivation. You can do this. I have done this. But I would say this is an absolute last resort and not something you should ever be doing on a regular basis. It is not the healthy way to go about this. So here are my tips on hopefully maintaining your life without needing to resort to this stressful method.

(also I know this is long ADHD peeps, I’m sorry I’m just longwinded it can’t be helped.)

So, to get started

1. Time yourself. 

Sometimes a whole task is overwhelming to think about and starting it feels impossible because the idea of finishing it feels impossible. So what I often do instead is just choose a specificed amount of time (a SHORT amount). I usually do 15 minutes, but you can do whatever you choose, and tell myself I will spend that amount of time on a task (usually cleaning but can be anything). This feels much more managable to me, it’s a definite length of time and I know I am capable of 15 minutes (or whatever amount of time you can manage) of sustained activity. 

also DO NOT keep going after the time is up. Stop. Because if you keep going your brain will then remember this and know that 15 minutes isn’t actually just 15 minutes and then you’re back to the initial problem of being overwhelmed. Pick a time and stick to that time. 

2. Do things the easy way.

When I say this what I mean is “do things the way that sounds easiest to YOU”. Sometimes that is actually, objectively, the harder way to do something. It’s less efficient, takes longer etc, but it feels more doable for whatever reason. Just do it the way you are capable of doing it. 

As an example I needed to clean the litter box really bad but I just kept putting off and then feeling guilty and also gross and instead of just cleaning it I dumped the whole thing and started fresh because it felt like less work. Alternatively on other days I have been planning to dump the whole thing and start fresh but THAT sounds like heavy lifting and being outside but I can manage to just scoop the box like normal. So I do that instead. 

3. Do things part way

This is more something to learn to be ok with rather than a method in and of itself. But along with the first suggestion, 15 minutes sometimes isn’t long enough to complete a task. And sometimes you don’t have another 15 minutes later in the day to finish it etc. But doing part of a task is SO MUCH better than doing none of it. I have started using the mantra “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing what you can.” 

4. Make a list

This is a suggestion I see on tons of (bad, unhelpful) articles online about ADHD and accomplishing tasks. I find that it can be sometimes helpful and sometimes not, depending on what it is I need to get done. For my actual office job, it can be really helpful because I sometimes get frozen because there’s too many things to do and I can’t seem to just pick a place to start. Making a list in this case helps me to just start moving in a specific direction and keep going. This can also be the case with cleaning if you just don’t know where to begin. But do not feel like you have to do this either, because sometimes a list just feels like pressure to accomplish things and that’s not helpful at all.

An alternativey way I have found to make lists in relation to #1 is to make a list of things I will spend X amount of time doing, because as someone whose brain flits between tasks rapidly when I’m not in hyperfocus mode it’s sometimes easier to keep swapping back and forth, however if you do it TOO quickly you don’t accomplish anything. So I try to time things. Ten minutes here, ten minutes there, etc. or whatever amount of time you choose. 

5. Do things the minute they occur to you if at all possible

I’m sure I don’t even need to say this and people will know immediately why, but just literally. You won’t remember. Do not tell yourself you’ll do it later when it’s more convenient you are GOING To forget until you are laying in bed trying to sleep and then go “oh shit I didn’t do the thing”. And for the record it is totally ok to get up and out of bed and go do the thing if it feels managable and won’t keep you up all night. If it will, put an alarm in your phone to remind you the next day at a convenient time. 

6. Get a body double

This is something I’ve always sort of known about but didn’t understand until recently, and it’s actually a thing you can even look up articles about it now. Basically for some unknown reason it will feel easier to stay on task if there is another person with you. I have invited my sister over to hang out with me while I clean my apartment before. The difficult aspect of having someone in person, especially if its for cleaning, is that you have to be ok with them seeing the dirty version. However I have also found this can work almost equally as well over the phone! So totally get on the phone with a friend while you task!

I do advise that you tell whoever you are asking for help this way that that’s what you’re doing. at least for me, depending on the task, if can take up enough attention that it’s hard to maintain conversation. But if they person knows that they can either carry the convo or be chill with silence while they also continue their things on the other end. 

7. use a crock pot

This is obviously cooking specific, but I recently bought myself a slow cooker and it’s been a game changer for making myself cook. For whatever reason it is so much easier to make myself get meals going midday than it is in the evenings. And I’m also much more likely to clean up the mess when I can do it before the food is ready. There are ALSO CROCKPOT BAGS YOU CAN BUY!! SO YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO WASH THE CROCKPOT BETWEEN USES, JUST THE LID! But if the bag leaks or something you can wash the pot part in the disahwasher (and the lid)

8. buy frozen meals

tbh frozen meals are way too small they do not equal an actual meal in my mind, however when you are full on into hyperfocused mode and the idea of stopping to eat is laughable, these will be your rescue. Pop it in the microwave and go back to your thing, eat it while you continue your thing. It’s at least a more healthy and well rounded snack than potato chips, or alternatively, not eating.

9. Make your next appointment before you leave

If you’re anything like me, sometimes making that phone call and scheduling something is like some incomprehensibly unmanagable task even though it will literally take 1 minute. (But then if you have phone anxiety then that complication is thrown in.)

So when possible, after a dentist or doctor appt, make your next one before you leave. Most dentists want you on a 6 month rotation, doctors on a yearly one (chiro monthly etc). I know that is like a crazy long time away to think about having something on your schedule but they’ll call you a day or two before the appt to remind you and if you MUST you can reschedule, but that will at least force you into making the phone call if you end up being unable to keep the appt. (however be aware of cancellation fees etc. this is ALWAYS a good idea because of such things) 

Also ask if you can schedule online, a lot of places have that ability now!!

10. Try new methods and be flexible

As I’m sure is the case for a lot of peope with ADHD, things that work really well one day will not be an ounce of help the next. This can be particularly frustrating because you will think you have found the holy grail method. FINALLY, SOMETHING THAT WORKS!!! I WILL BE ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH ALL OF THE THINGS I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH MY WHOLE LIF-- WTF this doesn’t help anymore. 

I have found that when something is a NEW strategy, it helps a lot! and then after a week or two it loses effectiveness. This is fine though, because if you have enough methods you can cycle through them and they are like new again!! It’s like hiding a toy from your cat after it gets bored and then giving it to them again in a month and oh wow! new toy!!

This is where I’m at currently and all of the helpful things I could come up with. I may add things as they occur to me<3

[jagibee]

Call Me Luna Info

Hello dear readers, Mari speaking!

I just wanted to lay down some basic info about my story so that things are clear

- This story will probably not include super explicit smut unless or until I become more comfortable writing it, but due to heavy discussion of sex and suggestive scenes, this is an 18+ work, so it please respect that and MDNI

- The reader has an AFAB body and uses she/her pronouns and I think at some point I will have her wear skirts/dresses, and I decided to divide SKZ in half in regards to how old everyone is compared to the reader for the purpose of honorifics, but I looped Hyunjin in with the younger half since they were born in the same year. I also might have a background for character motivation purposes, so just oc family members and their secondary genders. Other than that, I try to keep it pretty neutral including race, religion, etc. Unfortunately I am limited to my own experiences, so if you feel like I’m not keeping it neutral or I am portraying something incorrectly or problematically, feel free to say something!

- I have ADHD and will deadass forget this story exists unless I have people interacting with me, so please do!

- My chapters will probably be over 1,000 words but I’m really inconsistent other than that so good luck

- This isn’t meant to be an exact biography of Stray Kids obviously so I’m not putting pressure on them or forcing them to be together or anything, also they have less managers and choreographers and sound people just because I don’t really feel like including all of that

- I’ll update when I want

- This is my story, so if you don’t like it, you can just leave without reading anymore!

- This story will deal with physical, verbal, and psychological abuse, as well as slight substance abuse, eating disorders, and mental health issues so please don’t read this if any of these affect you negatively

- Again, I can only go off of my experience so the way the characters in this story deal with things is not meant to be the “correct way” and it may not be relatable to everyone

- If you guys have any theories or ideas for what will happen next, let me know! It’s fun to see how people interpret writing (and maybe I’ll get my next plot point idea😁)

- I really don’t know what direction this will take so I’ll be adding trigger warnings as needed for individual chapters, and if there’s something that I haven’t tagged properly, please tell me! I want everyone to have a good experience with this story

- This story will have cursing, that’s just the way I think and write (and I think we all know the kids curse off camera)

- When any character uses English, I’ll show it like “‘“this”’”

- I’m shit at titles so….. we’re doing chapter numbers, but I might add chapter names later

- Tag list is open! You can send in an ask or message me if you want in! My tumblr is a bit fucked up so I can’t really respond to replies, but I always add you even if I don’t answer

- However, being on my taglist and being able to read my work is ultimately up to me, so if you do or say something that I dislike, I have no problem with blocking you

- I am fine with comments like “can’t wait for the next chapter!” but if it’s something more like “when’s the next part😡” consider it an automatic block, sorry not sorry!

- Liking and reblogging are always appreciated!

- Really, just have fun, stay positive, and (hopefully) enjoy the ride!

Info Regarding ABO

- omegas have heats three times a year for 7-10 days

- alphas have ruts twice a year for 3-6 days

- betas have slips once a year for 4-5 days

- heats include abdomen cramping, change of the omega’s scent, a need to nest, slick, and horniness for most

- heat suppressants are common, they don’t completely take away everything, there is still usually mild cramping, change of the omega’s scent and a need to nest, though they are pretty moderate

- ruts include a stronger scent of the alpha, possessiveness, need to mark their partner or partners, aggression, headaches, and horniness for most

- rut suppressants aren’t nearly as common as heat suppressants but they can tone down a rut to only include headaches, slightly stronger scent, and a bit of aggression

- slips include betas getting a stronger sense of smell and touch and they become very sensitive both physically and emotionally

- slip suppressants are very rare and only tone down a slip by about 20% while making the beta emotionally numb so many don’t like taking suppressants even when they have access

- there are no specific alpha scents or beta scents or omega scents, but in this universe, people can still identify someone’s secondary gender based on their scent

- scent glands are on the wrists and neck but if you put blockers on the neck, the body automatically stops releasing scents from the wrist gland

- scent blockers also lessen the wearer’s sense of smell

- wrist to wrist scentings are for acquaintances, neck to wrists are for good friends, and neck to necks are basically the equivalent of saying “I want you in my life forever” which can be platonic, familial, or romantic

And now onto the masterlist!

[desceros]

Re: ableism w/Symphony Donnie: Definitely some internalized ableism but I think that’s unfortunately due to not many people knowing what exactly neurodivergence looks like and how people with it processes things differently.

Like, honestly, my biggest gripe was the recording and even that, for the SPECIFIC context of this story and Donnie as a character, it makes sense. Does it make it right? No, but if Donnie never had to think about these things before, for him it’s the same as recording everything to protect his family. Just something he does.

Also, even though my heart broke with Reader’s at her realization, MULTIPLE times reader has said Donnie says what he means and even at the beginning with the “I like you” thing I was like, “Girl, I’m going to need you to define the relationship with him.”

And I think, with Leo, even when writer’s do write him as neurodivergent, what I’ve read always has him as the he better masker whether it’s explicitly said or not. Idk if Symphony Leo is neurodivergent or not but STILL, reader has picked up that he’s good with masking which usually comes off as charming or “easy breezy beautiful cover girl”.

Idk, maybe because I know a lot of people like Donnie irl but if anything I was more frustrated at the obvious miscommunication between both of them than him directly, because as reader said, she projected her feelings on to him when he’s been super direct with his intentions.

Basically, there are sometimes where I wish people would just realize that processing the same thing between two people doesn’t always look the same and that one isn’t necessarily bad.

well-said, anon-chan!

edit: this got SPOILER!! HEAVY!! for chap. 22 and also soooo long so i'm going to tuck it under a cut. but here's some meta on symphony to explore this a bit since it's something that's very important to me and also... pretty critical to the fic itself! i don't typically like explaining myself outside of the text and letting the fic itself speak but. hm. i suppose i shall let it slide for today!

as you all have hopefully noticed by now, as an author, i like to be. hm. more subtle with things. i prefer to tuck things away versus having things be blatant in the text. and this is kind of coming back to bite me a little with donnie and his neurodivergence, i suspect.

i've tried pretty hard to make it contextually obvious that donnie's autistic. i've all but used the word. the way he behaves and communicates is heavily autism-coded.

meanwhile, the story is from viola-chan's pov, and she's neurotypical-coded (well. as much as i, an adhd-riddled autistic cat in a trenchcoat can manage).

as a result, she doesn't... pick up on donnie's problems with communication. not right away. but here, in this chapter, we see where she finally figures out what their issue has been the entire time:

…Oh. Oh god.  He really doesn’t get it. You’d known, of course, that Donnie wasn’t great with people. That he doesn’t communicate well. He doesn’t pick up on cues, or use them himself. No wonder he’s always so frank in his language, you realize. No wonder he’s so comforted by the firm rigidities of science. No wonder he looked so lost. No wonder he was so perplexed.

then, she puts that into practice by being specific and precise with how she talks. and we see that she now knows how to communicate with him in a way that works for both of them. and it works for them:

God; it’s like—a breath of fresh air, you think, staring at him in a little bit of awe. It’s so easy to talk to him, now that you’re just… letting it all out. Being honest. Frank. Infuriating that you hadn’t done this earlier. Feeling your irritation deflate, you nod. “…Okay. You just—need an explanation. Clarification.” “Yes, please,” Donnie gushes, fretting a little.

it's going to take some work. she still takes things he says personally and extrapolates past them (the whole "leo being an important person" thing). but she immediately nips it in the bud and is like. no. we're not doing that anymore. so, going forward, her relationship with donnie is one that's built on learning how to develop this open communication.

of course, it's not perfect, because they're human. donnie twisting her arm into still talking to him by calling in the favor is shitty behavior. a desperate bid to keep someone close that, for some reason, he can't imagine being without. not cool. the recordings of them having sex were shitty behavior to us, people who Know Better. but when violist-chan said 'hey, that's not cool, don't do that' and donnie was given a reason why not to, he just says ok. he might not understand ("but i record everything"). but he acknowledges that there's a concern there, and he agrees to be more conscientious in the future (having a consent sheet).

now then, let's look at leo's behavior in comparison.

donnie's biggest fault was that he didn't know to check in and make sure they were on the same page with everything. leo's fault, on the other hand, is purposeful, manipulative, and cruel. his open admission that he's been manipulating her from the beginning. manipulating donnie. lying to her.

to me, this is much, much worse than what donnie did. even knowing that at some point he starts developing friendly feelings towards her—and some of their interactions were indeed genuine!—i'm with violist-chan here. i'm not going to be digging through every one trying to parse out which ones were real and which ones were him being a dickhead. they're all tainted by the stain of betrayal.

also. because it has come up in a different ask that i will be publishing probably tomorrow bc of spoiler reasons: someone said something to the effect of 'why didn't he just not say anything? he could have taken that to his grave. how selfish'. i will remind you of a conversation between violist-chan and leo that happened in the previous chapter:

“Most of all, he’s honest,” you keep going, tangling your fingers together, staring down at the way they knot at your waist. “If he says something, I can take it at face value. There’s no hidden meaning. Nothing deeper. If he says something feels good, I know it feels good. If he says he likes something, he likes it. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it. If he asks for something, I don’t need to ask if he’s sure. He asks, so he’s sure. It—It’s a breath of fresh air. If I want to know what he’s thinking, really thinking, all I have to do is ask. And...”  [...] Leo’s still as stone for a few moments longer, looking at you like he’s trying to decide if he wants to say something; but finally he relaxes and comes back to you himself. Reaching out, he flicks your forehead, causing you to wince and rub at it.

i think... leo maybe wouldn't have ever said anything about it. but then you said this. how donnie matters to you because he's honest. there's nothing deeper with him. it's all at face value. you never have to worry about what he's doing, what he's thinking. and that i think... really messed with leo. because he knows he hasn't been honest with you. you can't trust what he says at face value. you do have to worry about what he's doing. and for you to say that that's the main thing you love about donnie—it messed with him. so, even though he knew it would jeapordize the relationship with you, even knowing he wanted to put this off for as long as he could, even though, even though, he decides he has to tell you. he has to come clean.

so even though it feels like shitty, selfish behavior... it's actually him trying to do right by her for a change. to conform to what she looks for in a relationship (both romantic and platonic). it just... didn't go over so well, predictably. most people don't like hearing that not one, but two of their most precious relationships were built on a foundation of misunderstandings or lies.

side note. i do headcanon leo as having adhd that primarily manifests itself as an inattentive form. i don't suspect it has much to do with his behavior here... save perhaps for some possible rsd being triggered when violist-chan is like 'ok actually go fuck yourself i'm out of here.' i don't find it particularly relevant to the discussion of ableism, in this context.

so anyway. long post aside. it's... interesting to me. to see people saying 'actually fuck both donnie and leo equally!!! bleh bleh bleh!!!!' i don't know that it's. hm. active ableism. i'm certainly not accusing anyone of the sort. but it is, at the very least, indicative to me that there are a lot of people who don't read into the text as deeply as perhaps i would like on certain character traits, if i had a magic wand to wave.

....and also perhaps just ableism, haha.

[enqueter]

Hiiii. Sorry for disappearing for so long... again. Some kinda heavy shit has been going on in my life and I've been caught up in that. I'm gradually trying to get out of my rut, but I can't promise I won't vanish again.

I can't promise whether or not I'll be able to direct enough of my focus here so I can be active again, so if I ghost you guys again I just wanna let you know ily. The reason why I vanished is below the cut so you don't have to read me venting about the aforementioned heavy shit if you don't want to.

I hope you all are doing well!! 💝

So while I was trying to get medicated for my ADHD I happened to mention that sometimes when people talk it's like I can HEAR them just fine but I can't UNDERSTAND what they're saying. I thought it was auditory processing disorder, which is common in people with ADHD, but my doctor said it sounded like receptive aphasia (I'm still not even sure if it's that or not lol), so she sent me to a neurologist.

They took an MRI and PET scan of my brain and the results didn't look good, to put it lightly. I'm a little hesitant to bring up the specific diagnoses they brought up because one of them is a terminal illness that makes me feel sick to even think about, and if there's even the slimmest chance that someone made a MAJOR fuck up with my test results I don't want to embarrass myself by throwing it out there until they're absolutely certain.

Of course one of my most important appointments for checking into this is all the way in fucking December unless my doctor can manage to find another specialist that'll take me sooner, so I've been edging my mental breakdown since early this year.

Even if the test results were a colossal fuck up on their part, I know something's wrong with me because my memory and cognitive skills have been getting steadily worse, at least from my perspective, and that scares me. I've been wanting to update you guys about what I've been doing since last year, but I always ended up forgetting all about it.

I MIGHT take a break from Ophie because her memory issues are actually inspired by my own. Might give my Fallout OC (Morgan) a fresh coat of paint or MAYBE do something with Calypso, depending on which one I end up hyperfixating on more. I'll try to keep you posted.

[aspd-culture]

aspd and adhd(/possible autism) culture is realizing only once you're out of high school "ohhhhhhh wait, so i thought i wasn't abused growing up, but actually i was and it only stopped due to covid, and that resulted in my osdd system and aspd?"

buckle up, this is Long and definitely classifies as a Vent. honestly, you can ignore the middle section and jump to the next blank line of space if you want.

jesus christ. i was punished more harshly than my peers, i struggled to make friends, i was put into a little school program where board games were used to reinforce good behavior in problem kids which i only realized two months ago, my memory issues (which were always there, but only noticed in fifth grade) got me into so much shit with every authority figure ever, i broke a window using one of those mechanical hamster things that were popular at the time by accident but i didn't care at all, that's just scratching the surface

memories of things have been coming back to me lately. according to my mom i was such a nice little kid, always shared and was polite and highly empathetic, all the goods.

school came along, flipped everything on its head. i remember harassing and hurting animals, and people, and sometimes telling those people not to tell—not because i felt bad but because i didn't want to get into trouble again, it was an inconvenience. my home life was pretty good but other kids left me out of things a lot and sometimes called me names, even the neighbors' kids i liked to hang out with would make me the monster of their games and that does something to a kid (one of them is also the reason i'm a victim of cocsa). when i did something wrong or bad there was only punishment because i "should know not to do that" and so i had to teach myself how to be a functioning and good member of society. i got good at lying towards the end of third grade, the skill got better from there with every punishment i faced

when a former friend told me "hey, you have aspd traits/might have aspd" i went and found the checklist, because thorough research is how i work, went through it. at the time i didn't think it fit very well because "yes, i experience that but that's pretty normal for people, i learned how to manage it under several layers of creating a socially acceptable person just like everyone else"

i've gone back to it a couple times since and wow, surprise surprise, everything applies! the "this doesn't apply to me because i have a system to help with this thing" mindset means the thing still applies! there's some stuff, namely the destruction and truancy, that i didn't do but that's solely because i knew i couldn't get away with it and therefore didn't bother trying. so thanks to aaaaaaall that stuff and more, i definitely grew up with both conduct disorder and odd, and now it's aspd

i can't say i'm mad about having aspd? it causes problems in my life, yes, but i've spent so long wrangling myself into a form small enough to fit into society's box that it's not the worst thing anymore. i think i'm more mad at society, my peers, for not helping me with this and being kind where they should've, especially my mom as of recently

that said: it is fucking hard-wired into me that there's only good people and bad people in the world. harmful behavior towards me (or someone else doing something i can't forgive) is automatically met with hammurabi's eye for an eye. the coping mechanisms i use work very well, are generally healthy, and people who don't do anything to calm themselves down and think rationally tend to piss me off. i have been fighting those things for a while but they're the ones that simply won't go away. hamburger help me.

aspd-culture-is

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

Plain text below the cut:

There's a lot of good information in this ask. Too many people see ASPD as a direct result of physical abuse or CSA/SA, when a lot of ASPD symptoms really develop around things that are seen as smaller issues, where a child's problems get diminished by the people who are supposed to help that child to the point where they feel the only person that will help them is themself.

More than anything else, I personally think a very quick and simple way to decrease the number of people who end up with ASPD would be to get parents and other caregiving adults, and honestly society as a whole, to understand that regardless of how simple, silly, or insignificant it may seem to someone older, these "silly" things are often the worst thing the child has experienced up until that point. Someone always having to be the monster sounds like nothing to an adult, leading to no response to help besides maybe "they're just teasing you, ignore them". But "just teasing" is the most social rejection a child has experienced to that point, and so it is extremely distressing and emotionally painful. It feels like the most isolated they could possibly be, because they haven't been around long enough to experience worse. Then, the child is told to ignore it, which not only fails to make them feel better, but often causes it to get even worse as the other kids try and push harder to get the reaction they're looking for. Do they eventually give up? Sometimes. But the lengths and extremes many bullies will go to when "just teasing" doesn't elicit a response is disturbing and that fact is either unknown to or ignored by adults.

Part of why always being made the monster does something to a kid is that it is treated as a non-issue. When that is what a developing brain learns is the reaction to their pain, they will no longer seek outside help when things become extreme.

TW: descriptions of SA/r threats. Skip the following paragraph and move to the next one to avoid. Also a bit of a vent.

When I was in school, I was teased. I was made the dog who was not allowed to talk or a person with their vocal chords removed any time we played pretend. Sometimes they made me a rock or stick on the ground, even. It sounds like nothing, and when I was told it would go away if I ignored them, I listened. It didn't stop them. It led to an entire set of multiple schools that were combined into one building seeing me as a verbal and sometimes physical plaything; a place to take out your angst and distress. I lost my personhood in their eyes, so my understanding of social interactions were tainted and colored by the way my peers treated me. I told anyone who tried to befriend me not to be seen talking to me, to bully me publicly so they wouldn't get the treatment I got, so even the few people who tried to be kind got a skewed, unnatural social interaction with me. Many listened, and I don't hold that against them at all. That's simply what they had to do to make it. It got to the point of receiving verbal and *detailed, written-out, and signed* r word threats, and boys who were 11 years old talking about kidnapping tying me up in their parents attic and using me whenever they wanted (theirs was more detailed). Some even attempted to touch me, and adults nearby ignored it because "X likes to handle it themselves, they don't like when adults get involved", because I learned that they would only vaguely say stop, and it would get worse. That's what happens when you just ignore it.

And what do we call a person who learns that only they can protect themselves, and who doesn't understand any positive interaction with anyone that isn't transactional? Antisocial. I hate the idea what a positive relationship with family is incompatible with ASPD, sorry about the rant. Because of how ASPD develops, I refuse to dislike or resent myself or my symptoms when it comes to ASPD. If people didn't want me like this, they shouldn't have treated me like this.

[rothjuje]

Thank you guys for all the bedroom setup advice!! Someone pointed out how heavy a tub full of water is, so maybe bunk beds would be fine. Several people mentioned that Gen will want a full eventually too which honestly I hadn’t considered. She’s such a tiny peanut it’s hard for me to picture her in a big bed. Alyssa and George have always been giants, they take after my side of the family while Gen takes after Justin’s. I like the lofted bed idea but only saw a twin option, I’m sure there’s a full option. We’re going to a furniture store this weekend to look around.

Such a weird week with the kids not having school Tuesday. Normally days off are chaotic and crazy but the kids were all in a great mood, we had a slow morning and then played outside the rest of the day (thank Gd for rain suits).

Being able to go outside again is such a parenting game changer. So, so, so thankful it’s above 40 degrees and staying light until 5:45 now. We played outside from 3:30-5:30 this afternoon and everyone came in tired and happy, we had a peaceful dinner and bedtime and everyone fell asleep quickly.

We registered Gen for MWF next year (instead of T/Th). Mainly so I could get more done/potentially focus on a career, but also because it’s been so good for her. But something I didn’t realize until after we signed her up was Justin gets every other Friday off…so we can have day dates twice a month. We have had exactly three dates outside the house since we moved here (I remember them well.. a movie, out for drinks, and a cemetery walk). I think it will be so, so good for our relationship. Especially since life has been absolute chaos since we moved here 20 months ago (fixing up the house, adjusting to life across the country, but also so many freak medical things/minor surgeries and one major one).

I am doing all the things right to manage my ADHD (sleeping enough, eating well, daily exercise) and it helps but definitely is not a cure. There was a moment last year when George started sleeping through the night and it was my first time sleeping through the night in 4 years so I thought my ADHD was cured just because I had energy again…so naive. I took a wellness class at a yoga studio a couple nights ago and we had to sit down on mats and listen quietly. And the room was quiet. Everyone seemed so quiet and relaxed, just sitting still. And listening. I tried to listen and tried to stay still but I am a leg shaker. My brain was zipping around in so many different directions. I just cannot think in a straight line unless I am physically moving. I didn’t even realize how bad it was honestly until I saw everyone else be so normal and calm. Yikes..

[copperbadge]

This morning I was doing the dishes, ruminating on something else, when someone on the podcast I was listening to referenced Dimension 20, which is the channel (possibly the originator? -- ETA, no, that was Adventure Zone it appears) for one of those “Funny and charming people play RPGs for your entertainment” shows. 

I don’t have anything against the Watch An RPG genre, and I certainly watch my fair share of stuff like Lets Plays, but I’ve seen a few episodes of various Dimension 20 shows and while it’s not offputting it’s also just like...not something that really grips me. Which is surprising, because I love collaborative storytelling and improvised fiction, but I think it’s possibly because of the aphantasia. Well, all right, in combination with the ADHD, but.... 

The problem I kept having was that every time someone does anything in the game, all action stops while the DM describes the result -- how the NPCs react, changes in the environment, that sort of thing. Which if you’re playing a game is all data, so while it’s still a little difficult during actual gameplay I usually can pay pretty close attention. And if you’re just listening to someone tell a story, there’s a narrative to follow that’s fairly direct and usually pretty devoid of flat exposition. But if I’m watching other people play a storytelling game, then it hits my brain like a verbal infodump without direct relevance to me. And I don’t get any visual, so it’s like....hearing someone read a spreadsheet aloud. 

So I tune out, because ADHD, and then I miss whatever happens next. But there’s almost always some brief emotional reaction to whatever happened, which grabs my attention, and I tune back in...just in time for another long descriptive moment. Which is now about people and places I’m not even familiar with because I tuned out. 

It’s absolutely not the fault of Dimension 20, I think it’s evident that a huge number of people derive a ton of enjoyment from it. But it’s nice to have put a finger on why I just can’t bring myself to watch and when I do watch I can’t manage to invest. It must be so much more fun and interesting if you can see the game rolling out in your head! 

[transmutationisms]

Do you have a perspective on why stimulants aren’t currently widely prescribed as weight loss drugs? Im guessing it’s related to it being a ‘controlled substance’ and ‘scary drug’ but drug marketing in pursuit of pharmaceutical profits is pretty powerful… I wonder why I haven’t seen (effective?) efforts to try to ‘overhaul’ the image of stimulants as only associated with “addiction”, “hyperactive children”, finance bros, and “lazy adults”.

I know vyvanse is also prescribed for binge eating but I get the sense most people are unaware of that. I tried many stimulants and I had the most rapid and “easy” (found food repulsive) weight loss on vyvanse. Granted all of the many prescribed stimulants I’ve tried all greatly suppress my appetite.And I’ve seen it described as a benefit by some people who have it prescribed for adhd (I understand why people do and I sometimes see it as a very depressing benefits because lack of food security despite). Binge eating disorder and prescribing for general weight loss aren’t too far from each other in the fatphobic society we live in but I guess I’m curious how it hasn’t had the ozempic treatment already/ when will it happen. People already look down of folks who can’t function by society’s standards in certain contexts and I see that similarity in how people talk about people who take ozempic for weight loss (admonishing and a moral failure).

stimulants absolutely still are prescribed for weight loss lol, in addition to Vyvanse for 'binge eating' (v unreliable diagnosis that many people receive when they are in fact dealing with subjective loss of control around food as a direct result of restrictive behaviours...) there's also Desoxyn (methamphetamine) and Phentermine (a substituted amphetamine), which are both still FDA-approved for short-term weight management. and yes that's Phentermine as in half of fen-phen. you also have to keep in mind that off-label prescribing is hard to track but is probably still occurring at not-insignificant rates (i know it happens with Ephedra and Clenbuterol, for example). and then there are also patients who use stimulants for weight loss without a doctor's knowledge, either by obtaining them on the black market or by simply getting a doctor to prescribe them for something else.

anyway in regards to pharma marketing strategies i think there are a few things going on here:

weight loss has never actually been the sole market for these drugs, nor was it the first. amphetamine was first synthesised in 1929; it was put into asthma inhalers almost immediately and by the late 30s was being sold as a kind of generalised wellness-producing drug, used by, for instance, college students as a 'pep pill'. the Allies used quite a bit of amphetamine in WWII to keep soldiers alert (the US military was still doing this in Iraq and Afghanistan in the 2000s; afaik they have not stopped this practice). by the late 50s stimulants were also marketed as pick-me-ups for unhappy housewives and for a dizzying array of depression 'subtypes' (postpartum, old age-related, disability-related) and 'modern miseries' (atomic anxiety, economic and political unrest). it wasn't until the 50s and 60s that stimulants really started to be marketed as diet pills, with 'overeating' configured as a symptom of depression. even those formulations also had other use markets: professional athletes, for example. i'm sure pharma companies would love to have the stimulant dominance they once did in weight loss, but it's not really necessary in order to move product: these days the ADHD diagnosis will generally do the job just fine. nicolas rasmussen's book On Speed has more on this history.

speaking of the ADHD diagnosis, i have observed that in the last two or so decades, it has increasingly been invoked in bioessentialist narratives of either 'chemical imbalances' (usually dopamine, norepinephrine) or distinct 'neurotypes' that are said to cause, worsen, or be susceptible to 'overeating', which can therefore be treated by the use of stimulant drugs. i strongly suspect an effect here is that 'overeating', weight gain, or 'obesity' are de facto being used as diagnostic criteria for ADHD, or for other psychiatric diagnoses considered to have high overlap in behavioural presentation. this is not dissimilar to the formulation in the 60s of 'overeating' as a result of depression; in both cases the narrative elides the appetite-suppressant effects of stimulants and presents them as aiding with weight loss by treating an underlying bio/psychiatric pathology. an interesting historical note here is that Adderall is simply a rebrand of the second-gen formulation of the weight-loss drug Obetrol.

presently, weight loss is largely marketed using the language of health rather than aesthetics. although pharma companies are certainly not morally above lying, i do think it would be a tough pill to swallow (pun intended) if they tried to convince anyone that a stimulant prescription is part of this sort of 'wellness' scene. that could change in the future, ofc; these perceptions and associations are socially and historically contingent. in the US even as recently as the 90s, people were definitely still presenting fen-phen as health-promoting (tautologically, because it caused weight loss!), at least until the valve disease scandal.

glp-1 agonists like ozempic are, i think, getting a lot of extremely credulous coverage, from both the medical establishment and health journalists, that is obfuscating the fact that they basically also work by suppressing the appetite. whether it is 'healthier' to do this with a substance that alters endocrine function than to do it with a substance that acts on adrenergic receptors is unclear to me. certainly there are many 'side effects' of the glp-1 agonists that are simply the results of rapid / significant weight loss (fatigue, weakness, osteoporosis, hair loss, gallstones, 'ozempic face', &c). that a process that causes these things can be marketed as health-promoting is a whole other topic lol. but i think the perception of the glp-1 agonists as healthful weight-loss agents has to do with certain misunderstandings of diabetes, metabolism, and body weight, as well as a degree of... not quite blackboxing, but something adjacent, on the part of pharma companies in their promotional materials. which is to say, it wouldn't surprise me if, in the future, people looked back at glp-1 agonists as also being risky drugs to use for weight loss, and only being worth using in specific, limited circumstances.

[mallory-x]

Thank you @bazzybelle for the tag! I love getting tagged in things even if I don’t always remember to reblog them

Were you named after anyone?

I have the same name as my mum’s cousin but she says I’m not named after her. Apparently my mum just picked a name that she liked that she didn’t know anyone else had used for their child, and managed to predict one of the most popular girl’s names that year. By the time I was in upper sixth there were 12 of us in sixth form with the same name.

Do you have kids?

No. I have complicated feelings over it but I’m at a place now where I’m happy with being childfree. I’m in my mid 40s so it’s unlikely to happen even if I wanted it to now.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Me? Sarcastic? Never!

(I have to warn new people that I’m a sarcastic bitch and to let me know if I go too far and I can tone it down a bit)

What's the first thing you notice about people?

If they need help/support. I used to think it was annoying that people would always approach me to ask directions or something, but now I’ve realised they approach me because I’ve made eye contact first. Now I’m older and more confident I go up to them if they’re looking lost and ask if I can help.

What's your eye colour?

Hazel. Predominantly brown with a dark limbic ring, and green around the iris.

Scary movie or happy ending?

Happy ending. I don’t like horror films (except vampire and werewolf ones, which don’t count). I can cope with a sad ending if it’s the noble, self-sacrificing type of sad ending. (Yes, the irony of this when I’m in the Sandman fandom, I’m well aware!)

Any special talents?

Appearing confident and organised when I’m really just anxiety, ADHD and autism in a trenchcoat.

What are your hobbies?

What I say my hobbies are: knitting, crochet, embroidery, reading, steampunk

What I spend my time doing: scrolling discord, Instagram, and tumblr, and reading smut on AO3, all while procrastinating any of about 16 craft and writing projects

Have any pets?

I have three cats - Giles, Willow, and Cordy (Cordelia). We did have five cats earlier this year, but we lost Charlie to heart failure in April and Spike to a car accident about six weeks ago.

What sport do you play/have you played?

I recently started learning Historical European Martial Arts (HEMA) - specifically 15th century German longsword. Hob Gadling would be proud!

How tall are you?

I tell people I’m 5’9” (1.75m) but I’m probably closer to 5’8” these days

Favourite subject at school?

Maths. Pure maths in particular is so elegant, it’s like poetry.

Dream job?

What I’m working towards: nurse practitioner in the emergency department

What I daydream about: running a little secondhand bookshop/cafe with lots of little nooks with sofas and armchairs to curl up in, regular groups coming in for crafting sessions or board gaming or toddler groups, hanging coffees for homeless people - a place that people feel welcome and want to come and hang out in.

Tagging @janimoon, @acanthoscurria, @shadowpuppet-storyteller, @zigzag-wanderer, @temve, @starlightervarda, @tryan-a-bex, @ginjones, @gabessquishytum, @paprotkarotka. No pressure of course

[cheeriecherrymain]

The flooding of the "domestic/relationship situation prompts that make my heart warm" prompts

(2 of 5)

#12 - saying goodbye over and over because they keep forgetting things and coming back

(This can go either way, as someone with ADHD I do this constantly - but also the reader making Viktor give goodbye kisses every time would be adorable)

LITERALLY ME THO i would forget my own head if it wasn't attached to me

Viktor x Reader

-So this probably goes hand in hand with the last little headcanon scenario, before the two of you figure out how to help his forgetfulness at home.

-Before you start leaving notes out for him, he probably just Tries Really Hard To Remember Things. Which honestly doesn’t help him much, because he’s groggy in the morning, and no amount of coffee is going to wake his mind up: if he forgets something, and there’s no visual prompt for him to tie to it, it’s forgotten.

-It’s led to a lot of funny moments.

-Especially since you rise later than him.

-He always kisses you good morning, and rouses you slightly, but you fall back asleep. He does the same thing again right before he leaves - presses a kiss to your cheek or forehead, and wishes you a good day (sometimes you reply, but most of the time you just mumble incoherently from the edge of sleep).

-His memory gets better as he wakes up, once his morning coffee kicks in and he starts to gain some awareness. Unfortunately, he’s almost always on the way to the lab at that point. Sometimes he’s a few minutes away from your front door, sometimes he’s almost all the way to work, but he always remembers something during that period, and it’s always something important.

-So he ambles back home as fast as he can manage to hunt down whatever it is he’s looking for. Which…he’s still kind of tired, okay? So he doesn’t really remember where he leaves things. 

-But you do.

-And he feels bad for waking you, especially since you look so sweet with your face smashed into your pillow as you quietly snore. But he needs to get to work, so…he gently nudges you. And nudges you some more. And then a little more. Until you finally make a noise of complaint and open an eye.

-The moment you see him leaning over you, you smile and ask, “What have you lost, love?” and then direct him to it when he sheepishly tells you.

-He kisses you goodbye again, and heads out the door. You could go back to sleep after that, but how likely would it be that you would be woken again?

-Very likely, you think, when you notice his notebook still on the windowsill in your room. You grab it from where it sits, and clutch it to your chest as you sleepily make your way around the apartment. From room to room, you pick out little things that he had mentioned the night before - specific pens, some special paper, one of his old workbooks, an angled ruler, his lunch.

-You pack it all into an extra satchel and wander into the front hallway to set it by the door. 

-Right as he comes bustling in, looking frazzled and somewhat impatient.

-You look at him with a knowing smile. As soon as you offer him the bag from your hand, his posture relaxes, and he slips the strap over his shoulder.

- “I believe that’s everything,” you tell him, with a lopsided grin. “If I find anything else, though, I’ll bring it to you at lunch.”

- “What would I do without you?” he asks, tenderly taking your face in his hands.

- “You’d be like an hour late for work every single day,” you joke. But he just rolls his eyes and pulls you into a kiss. It’s sweet, it’s soft, and you have half the mind to make him even more late to his job…but you spare him. At least for now.

-He bids you a good day for the third time, and disappears out the door, shutting it quietly behind himself. You stand there for a couple moments, leaning against the wall while you smile like a charmed schoolgirl.

-Until your gaze zeroes in on the little tray that sits on the shelf by the entrance.

-He forgot his keys.

[eldritch-queern-magicat]

I was looking for something completely unrelated in the DID tags and I happened upon your post about dronification for DID. It's been something I've been thinking about for a long time! I was amazed to see another system talking about it. I have theorized that something like this could be helpful in stabilizing my system and getting things done. Would you have any resources for a system looking to get started with this?

So for most of this, I’m gonna have to go over what I’ve learned in the process of doing everything. A lot of what I’ve been doing was cobbled together from multiple things over the course of about a decade of meditation, hypnosis for fun, and general trance practice. I do also have a very solid background in a childhood full of projecting my internal maladaptive daydreaming shenanigans outside of my mind in my very rural neighborhoods because I didn’t have any friends around, often for miles. It’s also probably the ADHD.

You’ll probably be able to tell I was given a lot of time and space to think about things on my own. That’s what I had rather than much of a social life. I had far too much time to philosophize. I’ve often felt like the Thinker statue at the Smithsonian. Just sitting there, wrapped up in my own thoughts. Alternatively, engaging in stories in any available form.

So pardon the whole essay, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone else really talk about being a drone as a system, either, as a method of healing. For a lot of these things, I’ve had to learn almost entirely through direct experience. So I’m honestly really excited to talk about it more. This ended up getting much longer than expected, too. It’s sort of a stream of thoughts that I tried to organize a bit. I also haven’t written very many things in far too long. So I let myself get a bit carried away and go into some of the details. Plus I really want to recognize just how much we managed to get through in what still feels like too short a timeline.

I also used to email lengthy, semi-organized rambling novels back and forth with at least one person. This is going to be similar to that. It’s also why I miss college very deeply. I’m a big fan of academic studies and analysis. My attention span is getting better again.

I will slip between singular and plural pronouns somewhat seamlessly. The logic is that when I use singular pronouns, it’s the whole system as a singular unit, without dividing certain things because it’s simply not relevant. Otherwise, plural pronouns are for when differentiating all the nuance is relevant.

The hypnosis files online

I like to lurk on the dronification subreddit, but it’s not especially active. The only reason I don’t interact is largely because I’m wary of interaction of that kind in general, given where I’m still at in recovery. Since most of dronification is about altered consciousness, hypnosis is the most common method of getting into that mental space of non-identity.

You can find some pretty general drone hypnosis videos on youtube, but I’ve seen people in both the dronification and the erotic hypnosis subreddits very frequently recommend soundgasm. WarpMyMind is an archive of files from many different people, some premium and some free. I haven’t looked very recently, but I know they have files for just about everything. There are also hypnotists with their own websites with exclusive content or just stuff too spicy for the algorithm. Some of those websites also have spiral makers, if you’re into that.

But to be honest, I don’t explore very much anymore, and I’m hesitant to recommend any one person or another because I don’t know what’s going on with hypnotist discourse and frankly just don’t have the energy to spare for it. The one exception is a youtube video shared on a sideblog that hasn’t totally been connected with the rest, but one you can find if you look at the drone sideblog’s pinned post. I haven’t used it lately, because of personal things around the holidays.

Either way, choose what you listen to with care and allow your mind to bend suggestions in whatever way you’re most comfortable with. Make sure a file does exactly what it says it’s supposed to, and nothing more. Jump into the middle of a file and preview the contents just to be safe, honestly. Look for transcripts of any given audio. And don’t be afraid to stop for a while if things go south at any point and come out of hypnotic trance, and figure out what triggered what. It’s incredibly likely you’ll stumble across things you didn’t see before that you’ll need to sort through. On top of just being a mess that needs cleaned up in the first place, you’ll develop trust a lot faster if you let others slow down as needed and not just rush in.

The drone-state of mind

This actually requires specifically and intentionally entering a state of depersonalization, just to be entirely clear on what you’re doing. But the key point is that you’re actually embracing it in a safe environment, set with rules of behavior and anything you can think of as reasonable fail-safes in case you need to act immediately for any reason. Because the interesting thing about dealing with any form of dissociation is that to heal from it, you need to have some form of control over it. By actually taking control of how you depersonalize or otherwise dissociate, you learn how to keep yourself grounded in the present reality better. A way to hide your face is incredibly helpful when you’re letting go of individual identity, but I’ve also found that it’s not strictly necessary if you can dissociate hard enough already.

You should put together a document beforehand that you can come to a collective agreement on. It doesn’t have to be fully comprehensive at the start. Just start with the basics and develop it from there. This will be your instruction manual, or whatever you choose to call it. Make however many copies you think you’ll need, because starting over any on kind of document isn’t fun.

Pick a single, consistent style of language to use for your drone-state that isn’t overly complex. Keep your instructions clear and concise, so that even in your lowest energy states, they’re easy to understand. It’s been a lot of ‘if ___, do ___’ and explaining the terms used, as well as the command phrases you go with. You should also make a habit of studying those instructions, and definitely do so as a drone. Because as a drone, that’s literally the only thing you’ll have any attention on in the moment, and since you’re in a very altered state of consciousness, it sets into your mind a lot easier. And don’t forget to consistently review your instructions, because things change and you will find yourself adapting them over time.

If you have someone you trust supporting your recovery in the external world, like a friend or family member or other care provider, you should probably give them at least a rough idea of your new method of stabilizing yourself. This can be phrased however you think is the most appropriate. I explain it, when talking about it, more or less that I’m treating my mind similarly to a computer, because the people around me know that I like digital technology. I already wear earbuds at least half the time, especially out of the house. It’s just a thing because I love music a lot. The right music literally helps me regulate my emotions. I don’t even mention the specifics, just that I’m using technological framework to understand how healing works for me. I halfheartedly blame my parents, and my dad in particular, because they were both nerds and tried to keep up with technology. Dad’s still at it now, 66 years old. He likes to be the Mr. Spock type usually, so emphasizing that I’m trying to balance my emotions with logical understanding works really well.

A long-term process

This will inevitably take a lot of time, depending on how unstable you are now. Do not try to put together a clear time frame to have this done by. I promise, you’ll take a lot longer than you initially expect to. I’ve been taking a break for about two months now because the holidays tanked my own stability, and I’m still picking myself back up from it. Especially when things are hard, give yourself the grace to slow down so you don’t overheat the system. It won’t help to try and speed-run becoming a perfect drone. *semantics mode* Perfection may be perpetual motion, but only at a rate that won’t destroy that which is in motion.

And to be honest, we literally just stumbled our way into using this to stabilize ourselves. So for us, this just started out with only a small cluster of parts bumbling around with often mature kinds of hypnosis fantasies partially in an attempt to work out the mess that is our sexuality and relationship with gender. At least, after a while. Until then, it was purely for escapism. We experimented with a lot of different things along the way, slowly progressing through different types of objectification from dolls to statues and whatever. Slowly, we did start to form ideas about what we wanted specifically, because we noticed how easy it had become for us.

We didn’t actually really consider being a drone until 2022. And then I’m pretty sure that was just me, as a specific part. Others slowly came around with time, waiting to make sure it wouldn’t be some disaster. And I’m not gonna lie, even I wasn’t so sure it would work out all that well. But to be honest, I feel like combining healing with pleasure is more effective than many people realize.

From my perspective, this is largely because of the dominant work culture. On that, the standard model of specifically US American Protestant work ethic is obsessed with work sucking so bad and being miserable. But you should enjoy the process of healing. If being a drone makes it easier and brings you joy, and you generally know what you’re in for along the way, then I don’t see the issue. People just get all worked up because it’s not considered normal to use a specific kink to heal trauma. It’s literally just purity culture bullshit, and just outright shaming people for being happy and making the best of a shitty situation. I had to spend ages working through that faulty logic about recovery with my therapist, because the assumption that it’s an entirely painful process is very prevalent in society. Sometimes it’s going to hurt, but then at other points, it should feel more like the best damn thing you ever did. Thinking it’s always about how much you’ve gotta drag yourself up and not enjoying the peaks you’ve already reached will only hold you back.

So with all that bumbling around, it only really became a thing to help with functioning in real life last February, and that was largely Lilu’s idea while we were fused. That was simply just about functioning through pain and general mental issues, and setting solid routines. More apparent efforts to integrate wouldn’t come until at least late summer when other parts more preoccupied with keeping things running behind the scenes took an actual interest. It took even more time to get more parts onboard with the whole thing, and we still have many that haven’t.

It was at least partially a joke, but Pandemonum was the one to suggest using the drone-state to help organize our mind better, with an offhand library comment. Because somewhere, I think with Zemyx and Isaac, the idea stuck. One of Pandemonum’s less present fragments, Bran, hangs out a lot in the library. It’d be easy for an idea like that to slip into the library crowd. Through a lot of convoluted events, such as Lilu directly delivering a challenge of shenanigans to Galaco (Sir) and Cyan, and then others finding it to be infectiously fun. The more parts we pulled in since late August, the more appealing using the drone-state to organize our mind became, so we could at least integrate our memories and straighten our life out. Aria emerged with a new form and gave us a new sense of psychological stability across connected parts.

And in external world, we were learning to get more involved in the community we live in, and get to know other people better. So by the end of the summer, we were really learning how to communicate with other people, as well. We found an incredibly supportive group of people from kinda all over the state I live in, who we share a lot of ideals with. So we were taking our growing social skills and using what we’d learned to reconnect to each other. The individual traumas getting strung back together into something intelligible was hard, but we had learned how to reach out to others and were able to get the help we needed.

One thing led to another, and our childhood friend picked us up to see Wonka at the mall on December 15th, to cheer us up. Alexiel decided on leaving the metaphorical doors wide open to broadcast the whole movie to anyone it could hypothetically reach. It was amazing. We even pulled parts out that were buried in the absolute depths, and got an even clearer picture of our earliest memories, psychological or physical ones, than we’d put together before.

Then, because we’ve been practicing radical acceptance for each other, Joshua decided to try and chip away at his own barriers. He’s a liminal part, one of the few able to pass between sidesystems with any amount of ease, because he enforced the rules directly the most. And it, ah, triggered a whole refresh of our childhood brainwashing that came right out of left field. It quickly became a situation of damage control when he began struggling to stay where he wanted to be by his own focus.

It was ultimately a lack of communication on our part, so we’ve been largely on break from being a drone for various things, but we had already been on a slow decline for a while. We simply had to entirely focus on stabilizing parts that had been refreshed in the weeks before Christmas. The reason our damage control actually went so well was we already proved our own competence at the beginning of December.

We were away from home at a membership assembly with the previously mentioned people from around our home state, and Ash managed to have his wits together enough to not worry about thinking and just stepped in to prevent an already stressful interpersonal situation from getting any worse. At dinner in the middle of our own meal, to the sound of someone falling out of their chair during a family dispute almost halfway across the cafeteria. It went surprisingly well and he was very clearly in control of himself the entire time. I think we’re all still processing that one.

And even if you don’t end up dealing with a lot of different kinds of complex trauma, it takes time to fully integrate all that you represent into that single network. We ran into a lot of errors along the way, as well has having to deal with restricted access to a lot of what kept us so dissociated. A lot of very explicit trust is involved because you’re basically backing everything of you up on what amounts to a shared cloud storage or server. For those of us that keep the connection running on a permanent basis, it also allows us to peek through their subsystems. It was how we started mapping even more parts to realize, yes, we do have several hundreds of parts simply because of, well, everything. But the silver lining is that we’ve finally gotten to clean the skeletons out of our closet and lay them down to rest and decompose. We’re learning what to actually do instead of dissociate from the situation completely.

Some final thoughts

Another key part of making all this work is that we’ve agreed to function without a singular point of authority or hive leader, despite how it might otherwise seem. Any shenanigans that do incorporate any sort of hierarchy are purely for shits and giggles. You’re agreeing to equal representation and responsibilities, in accordance with what you’re ready for. This will result in more equal access to your skills across those of you taking part. Think a very patient Borg, just without a queen (I got a fair bit of exposure to Borg propaganda in the last year or so because I follow someone who simps for them so hard and I initially just followed her for her general Star Trek posts).

The main reason I conceptualize it as robotic and digital is because it acts as a system based around at least speculative science, in contrast with the extreme religious nature of my trauma (and it brings really nerdy joy to do it this way). What I’m doing is conceptualized as altering my literal programming because it gives me a way to intentionally recondition myself with a healthier understanding of myself and the world. I’m a concrete thinker, so I have to conceptualize the process very literally before it produces any really tangible results.

Almost counter-intuitively given how technological it comes off as, it’s like a kind of magic. To explain it in a more mundane way, it’s a combination of logic, consistent methodology, conceptualization, and the placebo effect from your belief in that process. This is why reinforcing your conditioning with written instructions regularly is important, because you need to exercise those mental muscles as best as you can.

I tend to rely, perhaps hilariously, on things like western astrology and tarot as a structure for self-reflection. Engaging in rituals that harm no one are actually pretty important, because they’re methods of grounding yourself. In a way, dronification is also a ritual. You’re altering your state of consciousness very intentionally for personal fulfillment, to enhance your life experiences.

And I can’t overstate how important it is to remember that you don’t have to be progressing on a linear path all the time. Recovery isn’t a two-dimensional picture, and neither is getting the hang of being a good drone. Any changes you’re trying to make to your lifestyle will take time to settle into.

Take care and good luck

I wish you the best, and if you have any other questions, you’re free to ask. I probably won’t have an answer for everything, because I’m pretty much just making it up as I go along. But I’ll go as far as my logic and intuition can take me and try to point you in a decent direction. There is, of course, an amazing podcast episode from Off The Cuffs that I listened to in March of last year. It’s specifically episode 241--Unit 4015, which also helped me understand the appeal of the specific niche that dronification is.

I honestly wouldn’t be entirely surprised if it’s just generally attractive to people with dissociation, but that’s also, at this time, a purely personal speculation. You don’t have to take it seriously if you’d rather not. I’m just starting to ramble even more at this point. I really appreciate the ask and getting a chance to talk about the process. Going into detail about everything I’ve done with this helps me to process it and understand where I am now as opposed to before deciding to experiment. Honestly, thanks.

-Era 🍎😺

[sadlittleratboy]

So I've worked two things out about the Adderall. The first one is that I can't control the Adderall horse, but I think I figured out why I can't control the Adderall horse.

The Adderall horse is what I'm using to explain what's happened to me. Not having medication is like walking up a steep hill, it's really fucking hard and I wasn't getting anywhere, but I was suffering a lot. Strattera was like a bike, similar enough to walking that I didn't notice a difference physically, but I was getting there much faster and more efficiently. Getting there was still difficult, but I was getting there. Adderall is a horse. The horse is much faster than the bike, and much easier, but I don't know how to ride a horse. I know where I want to go, but the Adderall horse doesn't give a fuck. I could get to that hill so fast on the Adderall horse if it wasn't going in a different direction.

But I figured out why the Adderall horse is going the wrong direction! Adderall has me so focused that I can't focus.

People with ADHD are very distractible and also stimulus seeking, so people with ADHD tend to be much better at multitasking than other people, but often struggle not to multitask unless they're hyper focused on something or just having a bad focus day. So I'm used to living my life constantly focusing on two to three things at a time and managing that successfully enough that I can usually function. Adderall does not let you do that. You focus on a task, one task. I'm trying to focus on multiple tasks because that's all I know how to do, so I keep switching tasks, hyperfocusing, and then losing large chunks of time because that's what happens when I hyperfocus. I am so capable of focusing that it's making it hard to focus, because I don't know how to focus.