#mummy tummy video

[woso-dreamzzz]

Video III

Meadema x Baby!Reader

Summary: You're the doctor today

"Well, look at you," Viv says with a small smile as you shuffle into the room," Doctor Meadema."

You giggle as you shuffle closer. The white lab coat you're wearing is massive and Viv wonders briefly where Beth has gotten it from. A similarly massive stethoscope hangs around your neck as you finally make your way over to the sofa.

"Doctor!" You repeat with a giggle, poking at the stethoscope before turning around to point at Beth," Mummy!"

"That's right," Viv says," That is Mummy."

You point at Viv. "Mama!"

"I am Mama. Well done and you're Munchkin!"

You nod and Viv hoists you up to sit next to her.

She's stretched out on the sofa, icing her knee from a long day of rehab and you wiggle happily next to her to get comfortable.

You press the stethoscope against her arm and she laughs.

"That's for a heartbeat, silly. Here." Viv adjusts it so it's just over her heart before helping you put the rest of it in your ears so you can listen. "That's my heart beating."

You frown and Viv moves it on top of your heart too.

"And that's your heart beating."

"Heart beating," You repeat," Heart beating!"

"Yeah, that's to show that we're alive. Because our hearts are beating."

You look a little confused briefly before breaking out into giggles when Viv tickles your tummy.

"Alright," Beth says to the door," I'm going out to walk Myle. Munchkin, you want to come?"

You look over at Beth when she speaks. Myle's by her feet, tail wagging happily. She whines a little as Beth delays putting on her harness.

Usually, you go with Mummy and Myle but today you're being a doctor and doctors don't abandon their patients. Mama is your patient today so you'll stay with her.

"With Mama," You say to Mummy who just smiles.

"You have fun with Mama," She tells you before finally securing Myle's harness," Viv, be good for the doctor!"

The front door shuts just as Mama throws a cushion at her.

You look up at Mama and Mama looks down at you. She smiles.

"Your Mummy is very silly sometimes."

Mama's right. Mummy is very silly but Mummy isn't here right now and you need to focus on Mama now.

Her knee is still hurt like it was when you first came home to them. Mummy's knee has gotten better but Mama's is being a bit mean to her.

That's why you're her doctor today in your big coat and your first aid kit.

You clamber over Mama's body to make it to where she's icing her knee.

"Careful, Munchkin," Viv says to you," My knee hurts."

"Kay," You chirp.

Mama said that the stethoscope is for listening to heartbeats but you wonder if you can also use it to listen to Mama's knee. Maybe there are mean little men in Mama's knee making it stay mean to her.

Mummy always says there's mean little men in your nose that keeps it stuffy when you're sick so you think they must be in Mama's knee too.

You press the stethoscope against Viv's bare knee and she jumps a little at the sudden contact.

"Mama," You say," Mean men in knee still mean."

"Oh, yeah?" Viv says," That's not very nice of them. Do you have any treatments, doctor?"

You think for a moment before nodding.

"Uh-huh!"

When you came in with your lab coat and stethoscope, you were also holding a little first aid kit.

Beth had bought it for you when you expressed an interest in one after hanging out with the medics at practice one day. You took it almost everywhere with you.

"Mama!" You cry out," Zip please!"

You take it everywhere with you but you're yet to learn how to actually undo a zip.

Viv smiles fondly, unzipping the little pack so you can rummage through it.

You throw the things you don't want out and Viv has to stifle her laughter, knowing that she's going to be the one picking it all up later.

"Found them!"

Your puppy plasters are your absolute favourite because you think they look like Myle and Myle's amazing. They're special and they're for your boo-boos only.

But you don't mind sharing with Mama.

You rip a handful of plasters open and clumsily place them on Mama's knee.

"What are those for, Munchkin?"

"Doctor," You correct.

Oh, sorry. What are those for, doctor?"

"Fight the mean men," You tell her.

"Well, I hope they do a good job," Viv tells you," But I'd feel better if I got cuddles too."

You hurry to flop onto Mama's chest, where you stay until Mummy and Myle come home.

"Doctor Munchkin's fixing my knee," Viv says as Beth inspects the array of puppy plasters on her knee.

"Oh, wow," Beth says," I'll have to get Doctor Munchkin to fix me up later too. Is that alright for you, doctor?"

You nod. "After Mama cuddles."

[daisyblog]

YN, Come Back

Our Story Masterlist Summary: YN does the “Guys can you watch my…” TikTok trend with Harry and Louis.

Harry:

With the camera facing her, YN walked through the house, a cheeky smirk filling her face meaning she was up to something again. As she spotted Harry with a guitar sat on his thigh and Grace laying on her baby blanket next to him as he strummed the strings.

“Hey guys…can you watch my husband for me a second please?”. YN caught Harry’s attention as she placed her phone down so Harry and Grace were now in view, as YN walked off.

“YN? Babe?…What are you doing?”. Harry looked between the phone and in the direction YN walked off. When he knew YN wasn’t going to be coming anytime soon, he turned to Grace. “Your Mummy is a little silly sometimes isn’t she…yes she is…anyway shall Daddy play a song again for you and our new friends who Mummy has left with us?”.

Harry’s fingers began to strum on the strings, the sound of the chords of ‘Isn’t She Lovely’ playing before Harry’s voice was heard.

“Isn't she lovely…Isn't she wonderful…Isn't she precious…Less than three months old”. Harry smiled down at Grace at the lyric change, giving her tummy a little tickle as she stared up at him, her little legs scrunched up.

“I never thought through love we'd be…Making one as lovely as she…But isn't she lovely, made from love”.

“Shall we go find Mummy?”.

Louis:

The camera was aimed towards YN once again as she was on her mission to find her brother. Noticing he was sat on the sofa with Grace sleeping as she cuddled into his T-shirt clad chest. “Hey guys…can you watch my brother for me…whilst I go and shower please?”.

YN’s voice caught Louis attention, especially when she placed her phone down in front of him. “What the fook are you doing now?”. Louis asked as he placed his hand gently on Grace’s back. When YN didn’t answer and continued to walk away, Louis rolled his eyes. “It’s gotta be one of those fookin’ shit videos again”.

Louis’ eyes went back to watch the football on the telly as the Euros were on, but after a few seconds he glanced to the phone that was still in front of him before placing a gentle kiss to Grace head. “Your Mummy is something else Gracie-Lou”. Louis revealed his nickname for his niece that mixed both their names up. “But we love her don’t we…she’s the best Mummy and sister!”.

Tag List:

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[harrysmimi]

A Moment In Time

Synopsis: One where Harry's Swiftie daughter finally gets to meet her favourite and see her perform live.

Here's Pt2 to this after 1.5years | More of my work

It was a random Wednesday day and Harry and Moon at Harry Lambert's studio.

They were going to The Eras Tour!!!

Moon was ecstatic would be an understatement to say. She wanted a green folklore dress like Taylor's to wear at the Wembley Night three. So her dad found the very next person to reach out to for a custom dress for his little princess.

"It twickles!" She chuckled as Lambert took her measurements, making sure to leave quite a margin as she is a growing kid and the show was a month and a half ahead.

"Yeah? Does it tickle here?" Lambert tickled her tummy a bit making her burst into laughter.

Then later Moon went out with her dad on a little lunch date. She wanted Fish and chips and that's what she got.

......................................................................

It was finally the concert day. Moon was already hyped up for everything. They even went merch shopping. They couldn't find anything in her size except for nail charms there.

Moon carried along her VIP pass on a lanyard too long for her and her noise cancelling headphones which matched her dress. Yes, her Papa bought her VIP tickets.

The show kicked off and they all danced, sang and had a great time all together.

Moon was particularly ecstatic when she saw she was matching with Taylor with the very similar Folklore dress. Taylor of course noticed it during her 22 set.

"Mummy look!" Moon showed her mum how Taylor danced during August, using her cape sleeves like wings just like her favourite.

Harry's fans there were particularly in awe of the little girl. Surprisingly, they did not take pictures of her or any sneaky videos. They were all very respectful as YN and Harry have kept their daughter away from the lime light.

Moon was over the moon one can say when she saw Taylor wearing the same dress as hers during August. "Mummy she's wearing the same dress as me!" The little girl screamed in excitement asking her mother to pick her up so she could have a look at her favourite performing on the stage well.

"Yeah!" YN cooed as picked up her girl and propped her up on her hip.

.........................................................................

It was the end of the show and Harry was guiding his girl back out when Andrea, Taylor's mum stopped them.

"Hi, Harry." She greeted him, "Taylor said she would like to meet your daughter at the back stage now."

Moon was all tired and a bit grumpy already as she clung on her mother, still with her noise cancelling headphones on and her bunny close to her chest. She had no idea what was going on as her mother and dad took her back stage. Taylor was there, still in her Midnights body suit.

"Moonie look who's here." YN cooed to her daughter softly, making the little girl pick her head up to look at her favourite.

"Hi little one!" Taylor said softly.

"Taylor!" It was like Moon had two shots of espresso all of a sudden when she saw Taylor, she was quick to jump in her arms with a bear hug.

"Oh you're so sweet!" Taylor hugged her back. "I like your dress. It's so pretty."

"Yeah, it's like yours!" Moon said she looked down at her dress.

"It suits you better I can say." Blondie said. "Your dad told me how much you like my music, that means so much to me."

"Yes, I like Love Story, Me, and Lover!" Moon listed out a few songs she likes. "Papa wikes to sing it to Mummy and me sometimes."

"Awe that's so sweet, isn't it!" Taylor chuckle softly. "Thank you for listening to my songs." She hugged the little girl again.

Taylor gave Moon so many gifts. Harry made sure to inform Taylor that his daughter is a big fan of hers. Taylor made the meet much so special with custom merch for Moon.

A little 22 hat, and a small Junior Jules shirt, with a pair of black jean shorts, a few tour hoodies made in her size and few sizes larger so she can grow into them. A few friendship bracelets for her, which Taylor made herself. And a few candies and chocolates, which Taylor made sure with her parents first before giving it to her.

"I made these myself for you." She helped Moon wear the bracelets.

And little did Taylor know, Moon had a few gifts for Taylor too.

"Mummy the gift, pwease!" She looked up at her mother. It was just a little cat with a picture Moon drew herself and a friendship bracelet too.

"Oh my gosh! You made these?" Taylor was in utter surprise. The little bracelets said, 'Moons BFF" and "Bestie" respectively. "You drew this?"

"Yes!" Moon exclaimed, "dunno if you would wanna wear it but I made it." She added shyly.

"Of course I want to wear it." Taylor instantly put on the bracelets, "oh and I love this picture so much!"

"Yeah? This is Moon and this is you!" She pointed at two stick figures with yellow hair, one with blue eyes and one with green eyes. Stick figure Taylor had a black mic in her hand. "And it says, I wuv your swongs and I admire you so much!" And it said the same thing indeed in messy and colourful writing.

"You are amazing." Taylor hugged Moon again, she was a bit emotional to say the least. "I am gonna cherish this forever, thank you so much. You are such an amazing artist."

"Thank you so much." Moon blushed shyly making everyone chuckle.

"You wanna take pictures together on my Polaroid?" Taylor asked. Moon of course said yes.

Taylor kept one with her and gave one to Moon with a little message on the back.

It was the best night for Moon.

YN only hoped she could remember it when she grows up, but her parents would forever remember the same for her. Moon spent three hours with Taylor that evening, they had dinner together later that night.

Moon definitely thought Taylor was going to be her best friend forever and ever that she asked her to call her whenever she is free, surprisingly Taylor agreed to that. That made Moon ever more happier.

....................................................................................

Moon was fast asleep in the car when they all got home, she was exhausted.

It was the next morning when her dad surprised her with her favourite breakfast, which was pancakes with her favourite fruits.

"Mummy." She walked up to her mum in her office with sleepy eyes for cuddles.

"Good morning my baby." YN was quick to pull her up in her lap.

"Mornin." She mumbled. "What are you doing Mummy?"

"I am just taking care of a few things baby." She explained to her.

"Oh." Was her only reaction.

"Are you still tired?"

"Mhmm." She nodded and nuzzled closer to YN's chest and tried to sleep again but she could smell the delicious pancakes her dad was making in the kitchen. "Pancakes?"

"Yes, Papa is making Pancakes for you." YN shared, "do you want to go brush your teeth and your hair and eat pancakes?"

"Mhmm." She seemed a bit upset and YN didn't know why.

She let her daughter be for a while as she helped the little girl brush her teeth and hair before they headed out for breakfast.

"Hi my loves. Good morning." Harry chirped as he went and kissed his wife first on the mouth and then his princess. YN set her on her high chair as she went to help him.

"I don't know why she seems a bit upset." She whispered to her husband.

"No, why?" He seemed puzzled about it.

"I don't know..."

Harry went to his daughter with a plate of pancakes, he had made a little smile face the blue berry jam and cut up little strawberry hearts for the eyes, syrup and extra fruits on the side.

"Hey princess what got you so upset?" He cooed to her, "did you see a nightmare?"

"No." She mumbled, "I saw we went to see Taylor and there were a lot of her friends there, she gave me so many gifts."

"Oh baby you thought that was a dream?" Harry tried so hard to hold back his chuckle.

"Mhmm." She looked down at her plate with sad and teary eyes.

"Oh no, can I share something with you?" Harry asked making her look up at him, "it was all real my darling. Here." He walked up to the coffee table in their living room to get the basket of goodies and the Polaroid.

The instant smile on her face put her parents heart into ease.

"It all happened, really." YN assured her. "We took off the bracelets because we didn't want you to scratch yourself in sleep." She gave the little girl the bracelets.

And she was happy again.

They spent the rest of their day watching movies and preparing and making an elaborate dinner to invite Grandma Anne and Aunty Gemma.

@vrittivsanghavi @buckymydarlingangel @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @sleutherclaw @melllinaa @michellekstyles @sunshinemoonsposts @marialikescherries @onlyangelrain @supersanelyromantic @haarrrys @originalsoulcollector @lomlhstyles @im-an-overthinker @tenaciousperfectionunknown @stilesissaved @allthelovehes @sunshinemoonsposts @harryssky1 @sofia-faustina @stylesfever @reputationolivia @kittenhere

[russellsppttemplates]

https://www.tiktok.com/@brooke_enns/video/7348849476393536811

Could you do a Lance blurb where reader finally gives birth to their third girl and after hours of labor, Scotty and Chloe take Margot and Addalynn to visit the reader and meet their sister and they are fascinated by her while Lance records everything and then sends the video to both his parents as well as the reader's

When arranging your birth plans, Chloe and Scotty volunteered to look after your girls when the time came for you to be in the hospital, easing your worries. As soon as the contractions became clear that they weren't Braxton-Hicks, you asked Scotty to pick the girls up before you called the OB, driving to the hospital so babygirl number three could come earthside.

"Are you excited to meet your little sister?", Chloe asked the girls as she walked up to the hospital with them, Scotty heading in the front so he could give the lady in the reception desk all the details they'd need to go up.

"Yes, I can't wait to meet her!", Addalynn said and Margot nodded, "me too, and I can't wait to see mummy and daddy, too", she smiled.

"Remember what we told you, okay? Inside voices because people are healing and resting, and no jumping onto mummy, okay? She'll be sore for a few days now", Chloe recalled, waiting on the side as her husband waved at them to join him.

"Are they awake?", Margot asked Scotty as the elevator went up, "I'm not sure, princess, your daddy might be, mummy perhaps, and your sister is probably asleep", he replied, "That's true, babies sleep a lot", Margot agreed.

Lance opened the door for them, letting then in after kissing the top of the girls' heads, "hey, loves", he said, pulling out his phone to record the moment and send it to your parents and his parents since they hadn't yet been to visit.

"Hey, my loves", you cooed as you saw your daughters as they stepped closer to the clear bassinet, looking at the bundled up baby inside. Like Margot predicted, she was asleep, a cute pout on her face along with her squishy cheeks.

Margot gave her a cute little wave while Addalynn just marvelled at the new baby in the family, "can I touch her like this?", your now middle daughter said as she rubbed the blanket covering the baby's tummy.

"You can, and you can touch her like this", Lance said as he let his finger wander from the baby's forehead to her chin, "gently - yes, just like that, clever girls", he smiled as both Addalynn and Margot touched the baby with the utmost care and patience.

"Have you guys decided on her name yet?", Chloe said as she hugged your shoulders, accepting it when you patted the mattress beside you and sitting next to you.

"Yes", you smiled. You had been torn between two names, but when you looked at her, Lance knew which one was the one, "Genevieve, Viv for short", he announced.

"It's pretty, I like it", Addalynn said, Margot still infatuated with the baby, "she looks like the dolls we have at the house", she whispered and jumped slightly when the baby moved, making a small noise before becoming still again other than her breaths, "she's so cute, mummy", she said.

"Yes, you three girls are the cutest", you smiled.

(Thank you for sending this in ✨️)

[footballxixstars]

Kicking Baby • Erling Haaland

Child/Parent Prompt List v.2 • Number 8

“Mummy it kicked me. The baby kicked me,”

“Mummy it kicked me. The baby kicked me,” Your daughter got out sounding slightly astonished like she didn’t know that babies could move and kick in the tummy. To be fair she is only 4 so she probably didn’t however you have spoken about it before as it had happened before just not whilst she was leaning against your tummy. The baby had been moving around all day and it was slightly uncomfortable so you managed to persuade your daughter to sit down and watch a film together. She was lying down cuddling into you when the baby kicked her.  

“They’re saying hello to their big sister,” You gasped. Once again the baby kicked against your daughter's hands which were now on your tummy and she started giggling and just looked at you with amazement in her eyes.  

“Hi baby,” Your daughter giggled now patting your stomach as well to say hello to the baby. This made a smile come over your face and carefully you grabbed your phone to record this moment. From the moment you found out you were pregnant you were nervous about how your daughter would react to it because she was so used to having all of your and Erling’s attention however when you told her she was so excited and both you and Erling have made sure has been a part of it all not wanting her to be left out at all. Your daughter has loved going to the scans to see the baby and hearing the heartbeat and she’s even loved picking out a teddy and some clothes for the new baby. She is very excited and that is showing right now.  

Pulling you from your thoughts your daughter let out a screech but before you could warn her she had ran off to go and grab something. It wasn’t long before she came running back in with a couple of her own books in her hands and you were slightly confused because as much as she loves reading she would rather sit and watch a film like you were doing but now she had several books in her hands.  

“Are we going to read Bubba?” You questioned manoeuvring yourself so you were in a more comfortable position to read. Your daughter just shook her head as she bounced over to you and climbed onto the sofa placing the books next to her.  

“I’m going to read to the baby since they are awake,” Your daughter spoke picking up her favourite book and opening it up. Your daughter was only starting to learn to read so she couldn’t actually read it with the actual words and make it accurate however considering how much you and Erling had read it she could probably recite it word for word. Plus there were pictures so she could make it up.  

You just stayed there lying on the sofa allowing your daughter to ‘read’ the books to the baby and after taking a video of the moment you put your phone down and just enjoyed the moment. When your second child is born you know that there won’t be a lot of peaceful moments so you have to take it all in now plus this moment is actually adorable. As your daughter was reading you heard the front door open and you knew that Erling was home after training. That was how you could tell that your daughter was so engrossed in reading because usually she would sprint to the door to meet him but now she’s just reading.  

Keeping one eye on the door you watched and waited for Erling to come through and when he did you put your finger up to your lips telling him to keep quiet as you didn’t want him to disturb what was happening. He just nodded his head and pointed to the bedroom before disappearing. He was obviously going to change before interrupting the moment. Change into something more comfortable and sort himself out before your daughter wants his constant attention. After letting her know about her new baby sibling, she was excited but at the same time has become significantly clingier with you both probably knowing that she will have to share attention with the new baby so she’ll try to get it all now. It was nice but was also making you nervous about the new baby's arrival.  

“Hi,” You mouthed to Erling when he returned to the room after getting changed. He had this soft smile on his face and his hair was down flowing free around his shoulders allowing it to relax a bit after being up in a bun all day because of training. He loved being able to get home and just let his hair loose and so did your daughter who loved platting it and doing a bunch of different things to it. To be honest you were slightly jealous of his hair. It’s so soft and shiny and you adore just running your hand through it. You love it when it’s down as it usually means he’s relaxing and when he puts it up it’s to get it out of his face so he can do some sort of work and it’s usually never up unless your daughter has done it when he’s at home. You get to see it all lovely and free-flowing.  

“Hi,” He mouthed back as he walked closer. He placed a soft kiss against your temple before leaning down and grabbing your daughter and tickling her causing her to screech and let out a bunch of giggles whilst wriggling around trying to get out of Erling’s hold.  

“Daddy,” She squealed, and Erling stopped tickling her and actually cuddled her this time. She leaned into his arms and laid her head on his shoulders just cuddling into him. One of her hands crawled around his back to grab the ends of his hair which she ended up twirling around her fingers.  

“What have you been doing?” Erling softly asked her.  

“The baby kicked me,” She told him, smiling brightly. Her smile was the exact copy of Erling’s very own smile. It was mental how much she looked like Erling at times. Also, it was quite rude considering you carried her for 9 months and she has the audacity to look like Erling. Her eyes even crease in the same way his did when she smiles and laughs. It is adorable.  

“The baby kicked you,” Erling responded pretending to sound shocked by that and your daughter enthusiastically nodded her head and started rambling on and on about the baby and it kicking her before moving on to talking about god knows what. Erling listened intently to every word even if some of it made no sense whatsoever and even if some of the words she was speaking weren’t real words. He hung on to every word his daughter was saying, umming and ahhing and even asking a couple questions too which you think your daughter ignored because she was busy just rambling on whilst still twirling Erling’s hair around her little fingers.  

“I’m reading,” She eventually said interrupting her own little ramble before wiggling to get down. Once Erling let her down she ran to grab one of her books and sat next to you and began reading again. Meanwhile, Erling took a seat next to you on your other side and wrapped one arm around you whilst the other was resting possessively against your stomach just listening to your daughter trying to read the book. It was one of the rare and peaceful moments in this crazy household. Every now and then your daughter would look at you and Erling and you both would give her a smile so she would continue. It’s good to get her reading and it’s actually nice to listen to and see her improvement.  

“Our little family,” He whispered, rubbing your stomach and causing your child that was in your stomach to start kicking and moving around. It was a nice feeling especially with Erling’s hand there and Erling loved feeling the baby kick too. Like your daughter it made him included in the pregnancy, slightly anyway. Before you were able to say anything back to him your daughter had seemed to finish reading her book to your bump and apparently needed entertaining by a very specific person. Erling.  

“Daddy, I'm bored. Can I do your hair?” Your daughter begged pushing her book onto the floor. 

“You’re soon going to have two of them pulling you in a million different directions,” You chuckled when he gave you a look that said ‘please save me.’ He loves his daughter, he does, and loves playing with her and would honestly do anything for her however when she does his hair… it hurts. He’s actually shocked that he has as much hair as he does considering how hard your daughter pulls it. He will never say no to her though because your daughter thoroughly enjoys it and he loves anything that she does. 

“I can’t wait,” He replied kissing your temple and bump before moving to entertain your daughter whilst you stayed sitting on the sofa. This is your little family and you cannot wait for the adventure when the new baby arrives.

MASTERLIST | MORE HAALAND

[grannie-nasty]

So I totally did make a video of myself taking a bath in a pot of water I heated on the stove. My non-sexual nudity enjoyers DM me for the link. It’s not flattering— bad light and my mummy tummy is on full display but if you just want to see what I look like normal naked, indulge your curiosity.

I think this one’s going to be ladies only— sorry kings 🙏

[toomuchracket]

all i can think of is matty and girlie with a tiny baby lyla right now 🤨😭

and she really IS tiny - didn't make an appearance until a week after her due date, and even then she was still teensy. matty scowled at you when you cooed at the baby like "so tiny! just like your daddy!", and then cuddled lyla into him and said "i can't believe you're not even a week old and mummy's already being mean to me in front of you. but we'll let her away with it because she's so pretty. i think you're going to look a lot like her, you know, munchkin. my beautiful girls" and then you all had a group hug. anyway! she's doing really well, still spending a lot of her time snoozing, but OH she's alert when matty sings or plays piano or whatever at home; your entire camera roll is just videos of him leaning over her and singing and laughing and kissing her little tummy, while she does those tiny little happy kicks so contentedly, and matty's is just pics of his girls cuddling and vids of you telling lyla bedtime stories and kissing her head (and him sniffling in the background lmfao). yeah, it's all very soft and cute <3

[abiiors]

tiktok hit me in the absolute ovaries recently showing me back to back to back videos of dads bringing in older siblings to meet the brand new additions and to see their mommies and I’ve only had april and may for like 5 minutes but i imagine this interaction being just as adorable if not more with the 4 of them, especially apirl being curious and adorable.

okay since i want to add to the lore, i will give you something more, hehe. 

—

ross has a newborn in his arms. she’s only a day old; sleeping peacefully like her mother while he gently rocks her in his arms. baby june—your little surprise baby. he still remembers the day you both found out about her. you were so sure that it was just a weird stomach bug—the nausea, the bloating—maybe something you might have eaten. but there it was a few days later—the familiar two blue lines. 

and now he has another daughter; his little junebug. 

he’s waiting on his brother to bring his other two babies to the hospital because much like her conception, june had decided that her arrival would also be a surprise; two whole weeks before the due date kind of a surprise. 

minutes later there’s a knock on the door and two dark heads peek in. 

april is seven, still wildly curious so naturally she’s the first one to make a mad dash for ross and baby june. 

“is that her? can i hold her? please, please?” she asks in one breath, her eyes wide. 

“yes, love. breathe,” ross chuckles at her excitement. “go wash your hands first.” and she’s running for the bathroom before he’s done speaking. 

his brother laughs and points to the child clinging to his leg and looking up at the baby in wonder. may—shy, sweet may—is just about four now. and now with the new addition, she’s suddenly a big sister. 

“is that mummy’s baby?” she asks softly.

at the sound of their voices, you stir, opening your eyes to find so many people in the room. but before you have the chance to speak, april comes bounding out the bathroom and straight to ross. 

“baby!” she demands excitedly already situating herself in the armchair. you watch ross shake his head at her excitement and then teach her how to hold a baby properly. 

“hand under her head like that,” he instructs, “that’s it.”

she’s a quick learner, holding the baby exactly how her dad taught her to. meanwhile, may has gathered a bit more courage leaving her uncle’s side and venturing up to you. 

“is that your baby, mummy?” she asks again. 

“and daddy’s,” you tell her and pull her closer. “just like you’re our baby.” 

she blushes, “i’m not a baby!”

ross, the hawk that he is, immediately homes in on that. “you take that back right now!” 

may squeals when he picks her off the bed and into his arms, “you are always going to be my baby,” he tickles her tummy until she’s giggling uncontrollably. “say it! you and april and june, all three of you!”

“ew dad,” april chimes in and goes back to cooing over june while ross frowns. 

he turns to you, may still in his arms and gives you a look of exasperation, “i’m ew now huh! will you look at that, love…”

“oh, just a little sappy. that’s all,” you tease back making april snort. 

“getting ganged up on by my girls,” he grumbles finally setting may down, and then declares haughtily, “my little junebug would never!”

[footballerimaginess]

Picnic

can i request a picnic date with enzo fernández? Enzo Fernandez  Word Count: 347  see the video for the tiktok here  You and Enzo were super excited about having baby number 2, you’d been seeing lots and lots of cute gender reveals over on tiktok.  “Enzo” you muttered as he put shoes on his daughter as shes was excited to head to the park.  “yes amor” he replied.  “I will be a second, let me just sort this out and i’ll meet you at the car” you shouted as Enzo ran to the car with his daughter as she was super excited to have a picnic in the park.  - Meanwhile at the park, Enzo found the most perfect spot on the park as you all sat down, placing your blanket down on the floor.  “So I got some food for you” you smiled as you placed a big tray of cupcakes that you had specially made by a local baker here in Chelsea to get the gender reveal for the three of you.  “So I got us some of these, basically we all have to have a bite at the same time and we can work out what our baby is” you smiled as you handed them the cupcakes.   “Did you listen to Mummy?” Enzo asked as he looked down at his daughter as  she was already unwrapping the cake casing.  You and Enzo face one another, both biting into the cake at the same time.  As you bite into it, you both glanced as you saw the coloured icing as you eyes widened as you both had noticed what the gender was.  “Boy, we are having a boy” you squealed as your daughter now had blue icing on her face.  “Oh look at you” you laughed as you took a photo of the cake as well as her messy face.  “I feel like the luckiest girl in the world” you grinned as you cuddled Enzo.  “Me too, thank you” he whispered as you held onto him.  “Baby Fernandez, my little baby” you rubbed your tummy gently as your daughter placed her hand on yours as she liked to rub your growing belly.  “Perfect amor” Enzo whispered. 

[crestfallen-infatuation]

Heard that boy talking shit, I'ma murk his ass (Fuck 'em)

Said he got guns, I don't believe his ass (Fucker)

Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew, I ain't talkin' ass (Shh)

Said he gon' kill who? Ha, I need a laugh (Haha)

Ayy, big dog $lick $loth, northside killer

Heartbreak kid, young wet Ben Stiller

How the fuck you chart on Billboard but I'm still fuckin' richer

I went platinum with no billboard, no video, no pictures

Don't give a fuck 'bout these plaques or these critiques and bitches

I'm just grindin' for my fam, get my girl what she wishes (Ayy)

Y'all fuck boys just buyin' toys, I'll pass my litmus

I done went broke, made it back tenfold, ask God, that's my witness (Ayy)

Cutthroat, let 'em know, still a savage motherfucker

Solja raggin’ at rose lookin' like juvy in that hoe

Number one stunner, I almost sent it off with Ruby

Went to Carrollton with my shirt up screamin' out bitch, "Who gon' shoot me?"

I grab the Uzi, I hit the huey

Eatin' a ten piece in a Benz, just another fuckin' Tuesday

Bitch, I'm too great

I mean too grey

Fucking the game with no foreplay

P.D. say they fuckin' with me, reminded them what a hoe would say (Uh-Uh)

Still fuck them hoes

Still coming down off them drugs from three years ago (Sheesh)

Still hoardin' most of my money, catch a feeling, bro (Damn)

Who the fuck you know with a ‘mil up they nose

Yeah, they heard, I found God like I still gon' shoot

Yeah, this motherfuckin' crackers, ain't no dispute

Fuck this whole industry, even the no names too (Fuck 'em)

Let me just tell you that I hate you, there's no need to assume (Grey, grey)

Feel like year 2000 and I'm Aaron Brooks

Take that fent, that brown, and show you how to cook

He brought the whole gang down and I ain't even shook (Pussy)

And I'ma stop right now 'cause I don't need a hook

I'm a 5'9 soldier, New Orleans stunner

Dodgin' NOPD they always out and about in the summer

I don't fuck with no New Orleans hoes, but I did when I was younger

Now I'm flyin' em in from out of state pick 'em up in the camo hummer

Still off that St. Bernard exit down by the lake

Still pullin’ up at Russell’s just to hand out free eighth’s

Still grippin’ a big body and slam the brakes 'cause I'm lit

Still courtside at the Pelican’s game but they won't say my name

Blanco Leopardo, I’m the 7th ward lord

The chopper never jams, but I still use it as a sword

Sneakin' in the cemeteries like I pre-order death

I fucked my ex on a grave, a hand popped out, grabbed her neck

Yeah, my pimping done started a fuckin' zombie outbreak (Yeah)

Told the devil not to wait up because I'ma be out late

Watch out for the sniper shootin' cars when you're drivin' through the East

Ballys on my feet, down here you either swim or you sink

East Bank born and raised but I’ve been all over (East Bank)

Catch me uptown at the fly, I don't think I ever been there sober

Catch me downtown on the stoop, I'm usually there in October

'Cross the town in the Cullinan, I know it look like a Rover (Uh)

Who that? Who that? I ride around with no tint

Get the gat, get the gat, under the seat is a MAC-10

I hear pop pop pop, and I wake up sweatin' bullets

So I moved down da bayou where it ain't so fucking humid

Yeah, I'm going through it

All these motherfuckers want something from me

These bitches see I got money, that's why they gon' try and fuck me (Haha, bitch)

They want a kid in they tummy but I wrap it up like a mummy

These fucking greasy ass hoes, I keep it clean bitch don’t touch me (Ew)

So many blood suckers out here, slay 'em all like I'm Buffy

What you want from me baby? Why you bein' so fussy?

Why don't you go down to Harrah's and see if you get lucky

If you see my granny, ask about me, she'll say she love me

I hope I die with my people, make sure my family ain’t broke

I put on for my city, I'm 504 'til I croak

I wanna die in New Orleans, yeah, this shit ain't a joke (Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey)

Just cremate my body and then lace the blunt before you smoke

[simquoya]

remember that time lotus was asked to be in a music video?

arin zayne - the mood

(i designed this for the mood, not to be legible lol - lurcs and the rest of this long ass spicy video below. ↴

Baby (baby, baby) We've been wildin' (wildin', wildin') All over the bedroom Guess we chose violence, over something Said baby (baby, baby) uh We've been wildin' (yeah)

All over the bedroom (ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh) All these nasty words, this, that and the third (ooh) Ooh, she talkin' dirty, angel on the earth (ooh) Ooh, that's the mood, that's the mood (yeah) I care, right now I'm about to give another fuck (another fuck) She got plenty to grip on, I won't slip, she ain't had no tummy tucked (ooh)

Wrapped in her legs, she got me mummied up She mine, I go in bare like Yogi, dippin' in that honey cup (like that) Let's run it up 'til we can't count positions It's beginning to resemble Brazilian ju-jitsu without submissions We never quit whether the couch or kitchen (yeah) I keep a towel for every ounce of liquid, not to be too specific Baby (baby, baby)

We've been wildin' (wildin', wildin') All over the bedroom Guess we chose violence, over something Said baby (baby, baby) uh We've been wildin' (yeah)

All over the bedroom (ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh) All these nasty words, this, that and the third (ooh) Ooh, she talkin' dirty, angel on the earth (ooh) Ooh, that's the mood, that's the mood (that's the mood, that's the mood)

Keep your eyes right there where I can see (Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the mood) That I just had to get you on my frequency (Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the mood) Yeah, floatin' high and baptized in the bedroom (Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the mood) Ooh (that's the mood)

Baby (baby) We've been wildin' (wildin') All over the bedroom (all on the bedroom) Guess we chose violence (guess we chose violence) Over something (said baby, yeah) Said baby, uh

We've been wildin' (yeah) All over the bedroom (All over, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, all over, all over, ooh, ooh, baby) All these nasty words (nasty words), this, that and the third (mm-hmm, ooh)

Ooh, she talkin' dirty, angel on the earth Ooh, that's the mood, that's the mood (yeah)

[woso-dreamzzz]

Broken

Wonze x Child!Reader

Summary: You break your arm

There's not really any other way Lucy can describe you but depressed.

With your arm stuck in a cast, you're severely limited in what you can do and you just kind of trudge after Keira.

The atmosphere in the house has been a bit frosty since the accident and Lucy knows it's her fault. She's the one that wasn't watching you on the climbing frame at the park until after the nasty tumble that had your arm snapping when you tried to put it out to stop your fall.

Keira's right to be pissed off at her but your own bad moods have noticeably worsened everything.

You cry a lot more now and you keep whacking your cast on things that wouldn't usually cause you pain.

"How's baby bear?" Georgia asks at breakfast one morning.

"Sad," Lucy replies sullenly," She can't leave Keira's side for even a minute. I tried to give her a bath yesterday when Kei was on the phone but she just cried the whole time. Her arm's been bothering her too."

Georgia makes a sympathetic noise, head turning to where you and Keira have just walked in.

It's not an uncommon sight now to see you in Keira's arms. You don't want to leave them almost as much as Keira doesn't want you to leave them.

You sniffle a little as Keira sits you in your usual seat between her and Lucy and you stiffly place your casted arm onto the table. What makes it worse, is that it's on your dominant hand so you're struggling a little bit to do everyday things like feeding yourself and drawing.

Lucy loads up your fork and shovels food into your mouth. Your appetite has been affected by your mood so it's always hit and miss how much you're actually going to eat for breakfast so she's hoping to get as much down you as possible before your mood finally catches up with you.

You turn away when you've had enough, pushing your food away and looking over at Keira.

"Bear," Lucy says softly," Don't you want to eat some more? You haven't eaten much."

"No, thank you," You say sullenly, moving to climb into Keira's lap, resting your head on her chest and curling yourself into her body.

Keira sighs as she rises from the table. "I'm going to see if Leah can cheer her up. I'll be back in second."

"Jesus," Georgia says as she and Lucy watch Keira go," You're right. That kid is so depressed. She's had that cast on for at least a week now. You'd think she'd have adapted by now."

"She will," Lucy replies, suddenly feeling defensive," She's getting there. It won't be long now. She's getting better."

"I heard she had to miss her friend's birthday party," Georgia says," Keira said she'd been looking forward to it."

Lucy sighs, pushing her food around her plate. "Yeah. It was the day after she broke her arm. Bear was pretty bummed at missing it."

"I can imagine. Being so sad doesn't suit her."

"Hopefully, Leah can snap her out of it."

No matter what Lucy's hoping Leah will do, it doesn't really seem to be working.

Auntie Leah's sitting with Beth from Arsenal and she's trying to get you to detach from Mummy but you refuse.

"Come on, bear!" Auntie Leah laughs," Don't you want to see this cute video I've got?"

You think for a moment. You really want to watch it but you don't want to let go of Mummy at all. Letting go of something was how you got hurt in the first place and Mummy's more sturdier than the climbing frame and you feel safer holding her tight.

She would never drop you.

She's your Mummy bear and you're her baby bear.

She's big and warm and safe and you press yourself further into her like you could melt into her skin and stay there forever.

"How about some chocolate?" Auntie Leah asks," You can hang out in my room with G and I and we can eat chocolate until our tummies hurt."

Normally you would agree with that. You love spending time eating chocolate with Auntie Leah and G but you don't really want to be away from Mummy and Mum. It's bad enough that Mum's across the room from you but you can see her so you know that she's safe.

"We can even watch Brother Bear!"

That nearly breaks you. Brother Bear is your favourite movie ever but Mummy and Mum don't really like screen time so you only get to watch it if you've been very good.

But, still, you'll give up Brother Bear if it means you can stay with Mummy and Mum.

You shake your head. "Want Mum," You whisper against Mummy's skin.

She sighs, resting her head on yours. "Okay, bear," She says, defeated," Let's get Mum."

When you get to Mum, she's whispering to Georgia, who smiles at you before scampering off to Auntie Leah.

"What are you two planning?" Mummy asks suspiciously as she sits in the seat that used to be yours.

"Nothing bad," Mum says quickly before her hand runs over the back of your head and you turn to look at her," How are you feeling, bear?"

"Itchy." You hold your casted arm out to her.

Mum's gotten good at scratching your cast itches.

"Itchy?" She echoes," Well, we can't have that!" She takes a small wooden spoon out of her pocket and starts tapping at the cast. The doctors told her that she's not allowed to let you put stuff down it in case it causes infections so hopefully the vibrations will knock out your itchiness.

It does for the most part and you flop your head back against Mummy when Mum is done.

"Thank you, Mum," You say.

"Of course, bear."

Lucy watches as G and Leah wander out of the room and awaits the text she knows is coming.

You get a bit restless doing nothing and Keira gently runs her hand through your hair to settle you against her again.

"Come on," Lucy says when she finally gets the text," We've got a little surprise, bear."

Your brow furrows in confusion but you don't put up a fight as you're taken back up to the bedrooms. You bypass Mummy and Mum's room in favour of going to Auntie Leah and G's.

Both of them are waiting for you.

Their beds have been pushed together to create a mega bed and their sheets have been made into a little nest with space for all five of you to curl up in.

There's bags of your favourite snacks and your favourite chocolate milk. The title screen of Brother Bear is paused.

You sniffle.

"Oh, no!" G says," Don't cry!"

"These are happy tears," Mum says, wiping them from your cheeks," Isn't that right, bear?"

You nod. "Happy tears."

"Are you ready, bear?" Mummy asks," We're going to have nice chill day with G and Auntie Leah."

"Ready."

[justabumatthepark]

You did good, $lick

I say we bring this shit back to '96 (what)

Northside in this bitch

Lil Wetto

Southside in this bitch (what)

East-side, 59, motherfucker

West Bank in this bitch

You gonna respect me

East-side 59 (ay)

Heard that boy talking shit, I'ma murk his ass (fuck 'em)

Said he got guns, I don't believe his ass (fucker)

Pew-pew-pew-pew-pew, I ain't talkin' mass (shh)

Said he gon' kill who? Ha, I need a laugh (haha)

Ayy, big dog $lick $loth, northside killer

Heartbreak kid, young wet Ben Stiller

How the fuck you chart on Billboard but I'm still fuckin' richer?

I went platinum with no billboard, no video, no pictures

Can give a fuck 'bout these plaques or these critics and bitches

I'm just grindin' for my fam, give my girl what she wishes (ayy)

Y'all fuck boys just buyin' toys, don't pass on my litmus

I done went broke, made it back tenfold, that's God as my witness

"Ayy, cut throat, let 'em know", still a savage motherfucker

Solja rag in that Rolls, lookin' like Juvie in that Hummer

Number one stunner, I'm off St. Bernard with Ruby

Went to Carrollton with my shirt off screamin' out "Bitch, who gon' shoot me?"

I grab the Uzi, I hit the huey

Eatin' a ten piece in a Benz, just another fuckin' Tuesday

Bitch, I'm too grey

I mean three grey

Fucking the game with no foreplay

PD sayin' they "fuckin' with me", reminding me of what a whore would say (uh-uh)

Still fuck them hoes

Still coming down off them drugs from three years ago (sheesh)

Still hoardin' most of my money, can't shake feeling broke (damn)

Who the fuck you know blew a 'mil up their nose?

Yeah, they heard, I found God like I still won't shoot

Baddest motherfuckin' crackers, there ain't no dispute

Fuck this whole industry, even the no names too (fuck 'em)

Let me just tell you that I hate you, there's no need to assume (grey, grey)

Feel like year 2000 and I'm Aaron Brooks

Take that fent, that brown, and show you how to cook

You brought the whole gang down and I ain't even shook (pussy)

And I'll just stop right now 'cause I don't need a hook

I'm a 59 soldier, New Orleans stunner

Dodgin' NOPD they always out and about in the summer

I don't fuck with no New Orleans hoes, but I did when I was younger

Now I'm flyin' em in from out of state pick 'em up in a camo hummer

Still off that St. Bernard exit down by the lake

Still pullin' up at Russell's just to hand out free eighth's

Still whippin' a big body, ain't slammin' brakes 'cause I'm late

Still courtside at the Pelican's game but they won't say my name

Blanco Leopardo, I'm the 7th ward lord

The chopper never jams, but I still use it as a sword

Sneakin' into cemeteries like I pre-ordered death

I fucked my ex on a grave, a hand popped out, grabbed her neck

Yeah, my pimping done started a fuckin' zombie outbreak (yeah)

Told the devil not to wait up because I'ma be out late

Watch out for the sniper shootin' cars when you're drivin' through the East

Ballys on my feet, down here you either swim or you sink

East Bank born and raised but I've been all over (East Bank)

Catch me uptown at the fly, I don't think I ever been there sober

Catch me downtown on the stoop, I'm usually there in October

Crossin' town in the Cullinan, I know it look like a Rover (uh)

Who that? Who that? I ride around with no tint

Get the gat, get the gat, under the seat is a MAC-10

I hear, "Pop-pop-pop-pop, " and I wake up sweatin' bullets

So I moved down da bayou where it ain't so fucking humid

Yeah, I'm going through it

All these motherfuckers want something from me

These bitches see I got money, that's why they gon' try and fuck me (haha, bitch)

They want a kid in they tummy but I wrap it up like a mummy

These fucking greasy ass hoes, I keep it clean bitch don't touch me (ew)

So many blood suckers out here, slay 'em all like I'm Buffy

What you want from me, baby? Why you bein' so fussy?

Why don't you go down to Harrah's and see if you get lucky?

If you see my granny, ask her about me, she'll say she love me

I hold it down for my people, make sure my family ain't broke

I put on for my city, I'm 504 'til I croak

I wanna die in New Orleans, yeah, this shit ain't a joke (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey)

Just cremate my body and then lace the blunt before you smoke

Drag 'em to the river

Drag 'em to the river

Drag 'em to the river

Drag 'em to the river

Drag 'em to the river

Drag 'em to the river

Drag 'em to the river

[theretirementstory]

08/09/2024. Bonjour tout le monde, it is currently 15c and the sun is shining brightly.

It has been a fantastic week which culminated in a birthday 🥳. “Mr. Solicitor” and “The Recovery Coordinator” arrived bringing with them “The Great British Weather”, to be honest I would have preferred them to have left it at home, but nevertheless it was great to see them. Mind you two adults stripping off in my front hall was not the reunion I had expected, but as they were soaked to the skin it was better than dripping water all around the house. My neighbour had been to pick them up at the station, I think an “ark” would have been a better mode of transport as his car was soaked inside while getting luggage and people into it. On Friday we noticed he had a new car……. was this due to the water which had poured into the old one on Monday?????

I have eaten more this week than I have done in ages and I think I have kept my visitors tummies full too.

They have done shopping for me, been out for long walks and then have returned home to read. I have been gifted 14 books 😮 so I don’t need to buy any for some time.

Friday, we got a taxi into town and went to a restaurant for lunch. We all had pizza followed by some amazing desserts. It was a restaurant “Mr. Solicitor” and I had visited back in 2019 and he really loved the food then too. It was a good choice and afterwards (as it was rather sunny) we wandered down to the Hôtel de Ville, which is where I snapped these photos.

My friends have just messaged me, rather than visiting, leaving me time to spend with my family.

My gorgeous granddaughter returned to school this week and at the end of the week was given an award. Apparently it’s a weekly award for resilience and respect, how wonderful. She was thrilled to see her brother at assembly with Mummy and Grandad.

Spending my birthday with family makes for a lovely day. I don’t normally mind being here alone but it is such a change. Last year my birthday coincided with having my stem cell transfusion, I was in hospital for three weeks. It was ok having my birthday in hospital but it is a whole lot nicer being at home (with family).

I think I have to go to hospital twice this week, Monday is treatment day in Paris and I am booked into Troyes on Wednesday for my platelet transfusion. I hope to have two workmen coming on Tuesday, keeping my fingers crossed for that. It will be lovely to get this work done and out of the way before the winter sets in.

“The Photographer” is going to London next , staying overnight and then doing some photos for his current employer. That’s great, getting more jobs with his camera is good.

The music section this week will be pretty old ones (again) but sometimes it’s so nice to hear them again. The first one is “Stumblin’ In” by Suzi Quatro and Chris Norman this is from 1978 and is one of those songs that gets into your head and you keep humming or singing it. The second song is by Randy Crawford, it’s “Almaz” which was released in 1986.

So today I received a video call from my grandchildren, they had been baking cakes and cookies yesterday, was that to celebrate “Grand-meres” birthday? Of course I had to show them my presents, I think they were amazed that I had received two jigsaws 😃. Then I will be preparing for Paris on Monday I this afternoon I will relax (probably with a book).

Whatever you are doing today, have a wonderful time.

Bon dimanche.

[andrewkhurst]

MARTHA MORPHS INTO MR. MOTIVATOR.

Before Martha was born, my wife and I made a conscious decision to keep her free from phone and tablet screens for as long as we could, pledging to keep our offspring engaged with us rather than zoned out on Peppa Pig in her pram. I think pre-birth Martha had overheard our conversation, and staged an in utero sit in protest, eventually coming out sixteen days after her due date, only after I had spent fourteen of those days skim reading the FBI hostage negotiation handbook before I spoke directly to mummy's tummy using a bullhorn and assured pre-Martha that she would still be able to watch TV, a good while before she knew what a TV was. Unfortunately, Mr. Tumble and Iggle bloody Piggle were both still viewable on a TV screen, so we didn't get to skip them through toddlerhood. He was always so weird and otherworldly looking, with that funny shaped head and nonsensical speech. Iggle Piggle was a bit strange too.

Once Martha had cast off her selection of wooden rainbows and the like, we purchased a Kindle tablet for the long car journeys to Butlin's, and filled its meagre megabytes of memory with an assortment of animation in order to avoid the "are we THERRRRRRRRRRRE yet?" game. Apart from the Butlin's road trips, Martha just left the Kindle in a drawer and happily made fully functioning medical kits and prototype nuclear weapons from an assortment of cardboard, pipe cleaners, tissue paper and string. At age five, she suddenly began asking for her iPad. I explained the not so subtle differences between iPads and Kindles (i.e. one is expensive and pretty awesome, and the other is the Kindle), but this was lost on her. The generic name for a tablet in Martha's World is officially 'iPad'. It's her more technologically advanced equivalent of my 'Sellotape' or 'Hoover'. She uses the tablet to video call grandparents far too often, and to leave voice messages if the grandparents don't feel like partaking in their 57th video call of the day, as Martha fails to get ready for school at 7:43am. Along with video chats, she became briefly engrossed in Hello Kitty’s nail salon game, which was just like the real world, but without that nose tingling acetone stench. You could upgrade to get the acetone smell feature, but I didn’t think it was worth the extra £3.99 per month.

One day after school, Martha came home, threw her coat on the floor at the door, kicked her shoes into next week, and sat on the Persian rug. She crossed her legs in a perfect Lotus position, made circles by joining her thumbs to her forefingers on both hands and exhaled a ‘namaaaaaaasteeeeeeeehhhh’ so soothing that I had to check behind the sofa to make sure we hadn’t got lost on the way home and ended up in a Yoga studio. We hadn’t. All I found behind the sofa were a thousand germ-riddled street feathers. I asked where THIS had come from, and Martha told me that they did yoga at school. She grabbed the TV remote (as this was the only piece of technology that she had used since early on, she navigates round it like a pro), and she opened up YouTube. Within seconds, we were lost in a world of Backstreet Boys videos and 'classic AJ'. Several hours later, Martha introduced me to the world of Cosmic Kids Yoga channel. It features a woman named Jaime, who somehow piggybacks the popularity of Spiderman, Minions, Encanto, Star Wars and many, many more in order to magically trick hyperactive school kids into chilling the fuck out and working through an interactive story that she tells via the medium of a million yoga poses. She signs off with a ‘nnamaaaaaaateeeeeeehhhh’. Of course she does. Jaime and her Cosmic Kids have 1.6 MILLION subscribers. I’m guessing that 1.599 million of those are knackered schoolteachers who just want to have a break from wrestling sharpened spoons from tiny ruffians for up to 31 minutes. I was introduced to Cosmic Kids through Jaime’s loose ‘interpretation’ of the Disney megafranchise 'Frozen’. Jaime turned it into some kind of Frozen/Yoga hybrid, a Fro-Yo, if you will. Or a half hour state of Fro-Zen.

Last Sunday, mum was in the kitchen when she heard Martha talking. Assuming it was some kind of cross-generational video chat, she popped her head into the living room. Martha was watching a Cosmic Kids yoga workout video on her ‘iPad’. Only she WASN’T. Martha had propped her ‘iPad’ up and set it to record video in selfie mode. She then recorded a sixteen-minute video of herself as a breathy yoga instructor taking her audience through many moves, ranging from the classic entry-level ‘standing up’ to the trickier ‘balancing on one leg’. She offered encouragement to her audience throughout, and didn’t once feel the need to pretend to be a fast hedgehog or a boy who had been bitten by a radioactive bastard spider to hook in her viewers. MetaMartha was balancing on one leg in the middle of the Persian rug, paying careful attention to Martha Motivator on the screen. At one point in the class, Yoga Instructor Martha told Martha the actual real world child to balance on one leg, and then told her she was going to try to blow her over. On screen Martha blew at the camera, and real-World Martha wobbled and chuckled.

Yoga Instructor Martha is now a mere 1.599,998 subscribers behind Jaime and her Cosmic Kids. She has accrued two very proud subscribers, who are both absolutely petrified that the after school transformation of Martha into aggressive Victorian schoolteacher (you’ll hear about her soon) to dippy hippy yoga instructor is imminent. I have my excuse planned already: “Sorry love, I can’t have you shout at me to stand on one leg for sixteen minutes, I have to make the namasss –tea”.