#mr. houser

[darel3ne]

Made a lil something over the weekend and yes, that’s my design for Doug in the past. HE’S SO… HE’S SO…. HE’S SO HAAAAWWTTTTT-

[goryhorroor]

in the silent era of horror, the word "horror" began to be used as a generic signation, and more often instead used was the words "weird" and "mythical and mysterious." this is a time when adaptions were so rapidly made like frankenstein and edgar allan poe's works dominated this era. horror as a genre wasn't specifically "created" or the word wasn't used until dracula in the 1930s.

[xxdemonlesixx]

When Substitute pronounces your name wrong.

Miss Miller : Good morning, everyone. My name is Miss Miller, and I'm gonna be your son for today because Mrs Lora is sick.

Ron : Doug, I love your hair. It looks different.

Doug : Yeah, I straightened it. (Chew the gum.)

Miss Miller : Spit that gum out. I don't think she allows it.

Doug : Yeah, she does allows it.

Miss Miller : Taking attendance. Is Castle here?

Abbie : Who's that?

Ron : Castle? That's an Building.

Miss Miller : No, Castle?

Cassie : You mean Cassie. That's me. What the fuck?

Miss Miller : Okay, it's Micky over here.

Michael : It's Michael. Not Micky mous-

Miss Miller : Sorry. Dog.

Doug : What did she say?

Miss Miller : Dog?

Doug : It's Doug.

Miss Miller : Why is your name Dog here if your name is Doug?

Doug : It's pronounced Doug. That's like the easiest name in the world.

Miss Miller : Is Lina here.

Cassie : Did she say she's Lina from dress to impress?

Lana : You mean Lana?

Miss Miller : Thank you, Mr Buzz.

Mr Puzzles : Ma'am. It's Mr Puzzles.

Miss Miller : Okay. What about you, Nappy kitty?

Lana : (looks at N.) Is that you?

N : No. They look like a Nappy kitty to you?

Catnap : Miss Miler? It's Catnap.

Miss Miller : My name is Miss Miller.

Catnap : Oops. Bitch,

Miss Miller : get out. Nom? Are you here?

N : It’s N shi-.

Miss Miller : Alex?

Alice angel : She just call me Alex, here.

Miss Miller : Air mars?

Armaros : It's Armaros, bro.

Miss Miller : I'm not your bro. You know what? Stop grabbing that sign up here. HOW BOUT THAT.

[sir-maxwell1]

I have an AU where Tammy's soul ended up in Puppet King's dimension, and he decided to take care of her and be the father Doug never was.

[vc55bughead]

AHHHH-

Shelby: We have all different last names; Young, Houser and Topp.

Me:

[pumpkinsy0]

okay i raise you this for the pony in the ER hcs, I bet curly pulled some shit that landed pony in there so.... maybe some hcs for that? and for soda and darry finding out?

this mf pony been in the er 3 different times at least he needs to wear a helmet and b wrapped in bubble wrap

•it was def a head injury like a concussion or somethin at it was when pony was 13 and curly was 14, they didnt know each other THAT much, but enough to hang out a lil here n there

•darry and soda r sooooo hesitant to leave them alone so usually they dont go wandering off and just stay at ponys house in the front garden w darry or soda watching over

•listen, curlys a rough houser at heart and pony has no issue w that, he practically lives w the gang after all, but the problem is curly does tooooo much, even ponys parents see that and tries leading them away from fighting but curly keeps on egging pony on

•its either curly pushed pony against a wall too hard or he picked him up and dropped him but either way pony hit his head HARD, u cpuld hear a huge thump and next think u know ponys on the ground and curlys trynna tap him up

•soda came running and pushed curly out the way cause “youve done enough”, and so curlys just standing there while everyones coming in asking whats going on, literally like dis “🧍🏿”

•ANYWHOOOOO mr curtis drive curly home while everyone else drove to the hospital out of worry, really all pony needed was ice, but he seemed a lil too out of it for their liking so they took him there, and to comfort him soda was rubbing ponys head to try and sooth whatever pain he was feeling

•aint nobody in that er was worried about pony, he didnt LOOK that bad so he just wasnt a priority, despite soda and ponys mom arguin w the staff, hell even pony said he was doin fine but theyyyy werent listening to the ramble of someone whos head basically vibrated when it came into contact w the wall/floor

•darrys played football for a good long while ikkkkk hes had some pretty bad head injuries and he knows how scary that could b so hes just trying to comfort pony and looking for signs of it getting worse, he was sure it wouldnt but look u can never b too sure

•they stayed their asses in that er for a few hours all for the doctor to give him pain killers and tell him to not do anything too physically taxing for a few days and now the curtis’ in debt w a hospital bill🙄🙄

•years later and ponys STILL a lil scared to rough house w curly, when he does he gets flashbacks to those days and tries not to let it go on for too long

[thegraveyardsh1ft]

Attention, Macabre Mart Shoppers!

Celebrating the í̸̼̀n̸̈́̍͝ͅe̴̡͊v̵̫̅̆͝ḯ̶̛̳̣̬͐t̷̙̄̽́ą̴̫̈́́̍b̶̮̝͚͛͝l̷̦̏ę̸̤͝͝ deaths of employees cannot be satisfying without celebrating their existences on their mortal plane as well. Today, we celebrate the birthday of one of our most beloved employees, Michael Afton.

When asked what he wanted for his birthday, Mr. Afton responded with: "A whole day to do whatever I want to this hellplace of a store, a brand new Keurig, a pay raise, and permission to shave Doug's eyebrows so his costume is more accurate"

Better start running, Mr. Houser...

[talesfrommedinastation]

My redneck neighbor Doug on 'Tribe'

When not turning his home into a giant light hazard for Jesus's Birthday or getting into yelling fights in the alley with Bobby Lee (another redneck neighbor who is a DIE HARD 'Bama fan) about SEC football, Doug's been randomly texting me things about the Jedi.

I'll update y'all on that soon enough. (Plo Koon = Sexy Shrimp Daddy?!)

Meanwhile, here is his review of his favorite episode of Season 2 of The Bad Batch...TRIBE, or as Doug calls it 'Chewbacca Junior and the Weed Business'.

Yes, a random fetch quest one in which Clone Force 99 helps out a random Wookiee kid. His favorite. Don't ask.

Need a Doug refresher? Check it out under Doug Talks Star Wars here.

TW: Doug Doug's as is his Doug-like wont. Hold onto your butts. A little calmer since Daddy Warcrimes is MIA in this one.

-----------------------------------------------------------

So we got Daddy Rambo and the gang making counterfeit licenses for underage drinkers or whatever. You gotta do what you gotta do, I guess, and Daddy Rambo will do a lot of things, but obtaining gainful employment ain’t one of them. 

Ryan-from-Accounting is smug as hell about his counterfeiting operation. You’re so smart, Ryan-from-Accounting, why don’t you go to law school and start practicing corporate licensing? At least you can get equity there, ya dingaling.

And Little Orphan Blondie runs away because she’s embarrassed to be seen around them. I get it, kid.

Woah, it’s Chewbacca Junior! Are the lizard and robot people trying to sell him to the circus or something? Oh, he’s a Jedi?! When did this happen, this is awesome! I loved Chewbacca! I love Wookiees! AWESOME!!!

And Little Orphan Blondie is protecting him, go Little Orphan Blondie, go! 

I hope they adopt Chewbacca Junior and get him a collar and a nice bed on the floor of the HMS Search Warrant. They need a pet. Little Orphan Blondie can brush him and put bows in his hair! Do you think he uses a litter box?

They’re taking him home, and look! Little Orphan Blondie is giving him her Lunchables. I’m proud of the Dad Batch, they’re teaching Little Orphan Blondie good morals. Oh, poor wee Chewbacca Junior, he has no family and when he talks it sounds like Jimmers when he’s treed a squirrel*.

But Ryan-from-Accounting can understand him! Ya know, I wonder if his helmet can translate Bitch and that’s how Ryan-from-Accounting talks to his Bitch Wife Laura. 

It would be awesome if they adopt Chewbacca Junior and he attacks people with his lightsaber. He’s like a pet version of an MR-15! Imagine the DAMAGE his furry ass would do on the battlefield! 

Ooh, they made it to Wookieeland! Ya know, it always reminded me of where Jenny and I used to camp in northern California. I wonder if there’s a brewery nearby? I bet Toaster Strudel needs to throw back, that man needs a beer and a restraining order from Daddy Rambo. 

Oh SHIT, looks like the bugs from Klendathu made their way down to Wookieeland. Somebody call the Starship Troopers! Oh, wait, they can talk to those things like Dougie Houser did? Woah. Neat. 

Looks like the Empire found the Wookiee weed farm and torched it. Poor Wookiees, they’re just trying to make an honest living growing herb. Leave ‘em alone!

Which planet makes meth, my money’s on Tatooine, it looks like New Mexico and that place is meth Disneyland, there was a whole TV show about it. 

(Above is...Tatooine?! - Dr Meat Muffin)

Oh man it’s Houma-BBQ-Bitch’s shitty brothers and they’re burning the whole weed operation to the ground. Guess they work for the DEA.

Kick their asses, Wookiees! Now they want Chewbacca Junior, but the Dad Batch is saying FUCK YOU! 

Go Dad Batch go! Fire ‘em up! Destroy the tanks! GO JULIO GO! It’s like Apocalypse Now with Bigfoot!

More Wookiees! And they’re riding giant monkey-cats! AWESOME. Man, I feel stoned just watching this episode. Why can't I stop giggling.

Granny Wookiee says come on in and have some weed! Oh, shit, are they doing ayahuasca? Toaster Strudel ain’t having it, but Julio’s down. Julio’s down for anything, he’s probably gonna stick around, use his pipe laying skills, and get some free ganga out of the deal. Man, we all need a Julio in our life. Love him. 

Oh, poor Chewbacca Junior can’t find a home. Come on, Granny Wookiee, just let him crash with you guys! He can clip weed on the side, he’s got that lightsaber, let ‘em have it. But first, let’s talk to the trees! Did they take mushrooms before this scene, Jesus Christ this really does take place in Humboldt County, doesn’t it.

Ah, nevermind, the gators that run the DEA are here. With Stormtroopers. Oh shit, are the gators wearing Wookiee pelts while fighting Wookiees? That’s some Silence of the Lambs shit right there.

Welp, time for fire fights, Smokey the Bear does not approve of this episode, especially as one of the lizard men chases Chewbacca Junior and Little Orphan Blondie into the woods with a flamethrower. 

Oh shit, there are the bugs! Shit, am I actually cheering on the bugs from Starship Troopers? What is going on here, I’m so confused. Whelp, they’re eating Houma-BBQ-Bitch’s brother, good for them.

Back to Granny Wookiee’s Pot Palace, where Toaster Strudel and Julio throw back her questionable moonshine and smile at each other. If they end up with Wookiee girlfriends, it will be weird, but I will be happy for them. 

And Little Orphan Blondie and Chewbacca Junior are talking to the trees, again. Just watching this episode makes me wanna go back to Electric Forest. Except I don’t think Oceana County has wookiees, but it does have crazy people in the woods I guess. 

*=Jimmers is Doug’s extremely handsome poodle mix dog. His full name is Jimmers Jimothy Jimerson III and they found him as a stray when he was eating trash behind a bowling alley in Nacogdoches. 

Where my Doug fans at? @amalthiaph @eyecandyeoz @merkitty49 @sued134 are the biggest, but let me know if ya wanna be tagged in the next installment!

[whitmoreroyals]

A ROYAL LIFE

SEASON 2

Transcript under the cut

Beginning / Previous / Next

For those wondering about the rationale behind this announcement, I would like to start by speaking to my fellow citizens. Your feedback has been heard, and we are dedicated to bringing about changes in our country and the royal institution.

This leads me to the following announcement that Lady Bridgette and Mr. Diego Olson have been granted royal titles and a duchy following their recent marriage. Lady Bridgette now holds the title of Her Royal Highness Princess Bridgette, Duchess of Glines, while her spouse is now known as His Royal Highness Prince Diego, Duke of Glines.

Moreover, my nephew Henry Houser-Jones is set to inherit his father's duchy, entitling him to a royal title as His Royal Highness Prince Henry, Earl of Lexington. His spouse will be recognized as Her Royal Highness Princess Yulia, Countess of Lexington. The title of his dukedom will be bestowed upon him upon inheriting his father's duchy.

In our latest update, I have chosen to increase the royal family's engagement in community service, including myself and my wife. Traditionally, our family has maintained a private life and avoided public attention. However, with the addition of our newest family member, the Crown Princess, we are embracing a more contemporary approach that calls for the family to adapt accordingly.

Additionally, we intend to organize conferences for important announcements and will extend invitations to the press to inquire about nationwide updates. Your participation and embrace of these modern advancements are eagerly anticipated. That concludes our time for today, and we thank everyone who joined us.

[laura-sanchez-mlp]

Farkle the Prince Fox My NEW MSA X Dark Deception OC

Full Name: Farkle the Prince Fox, Sam ___ (in the past)

First Name: Sam

Last Name:

Nicknames:

Gender: Male

Profile Pic

Age: 15 (deceased) 23

Blood Type:

Occupation:

Actual or Past Occupation:

Favourite Shows/Games: ___/___/___

(___,___,___)

Favourite Food:

Instrument:

Favourite Animal:

Family Members Relatives:

Other Family Members Relatives:

Species: Human, later Animatronic Prince Fox

Friends: Sabella the Ballerina Butterfly/Lewana ___, Angelisa the Angel/Fairy Doll Hybrid, Sally the Princess Cat Hybrid (his girlfriend), Sammy the Kind Sun, Mark-Mark the Sleepy Moon, Billie the farmer bunny and Alastair the new mascot bear/demon hybrid, Gary the Goat/Raccoon Hybrid (normal-self), Doug Houser, Tammy Houser, Bierce, Mystery Teams, Girls' Clue Club, Stella the Cat, Aurora Woodson, Stanley Woodson, Greg Woodson and Lonnie Woodson, Maisy Pepper and her friends,

Enemies: Malak, The Black Charro, Agatha, Jerry, Murder Dolls, Murder Monkeys, Possessed Statues, Gold Watchers, Plant Piranhas, Dread Duckies, Goliath Clowns, Killer Twins, Reaper Nurses, Reaper Professors, Joy Joy Gang, Dracula the Ghost Vampire, Mama Bear, Trigger Teddies, Mannequins, The Puppeteers, Mr. Giggles, Gary the Goat/Raccoon Hybrid (mind-control), Dennis the Gopher, Wilbert the psycho Wolf, Beverly the Bee/Vanessa ___

Alignment: Good

Likes:

Dislikes:

Hobby:

Goals:

Weapons: Sword and Shield

Powers and Abilities:

Skills and Abilities:

Skin Colour:

Eyes Colour:

Hair Colour:

Clothes:

Shoes:

Accessories:

Nationality:

Hair Style:

Farkle the Prince Fox's Theme: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyfK3bldiUU

@sfcabanasstarcgs and @mysteryideasgroup

This one sounds like Foxy (from FNAF Game and FNAF Movie) and Disney Princes (from Disney)

[callunavulgari]

Eddie finds Stevie in the boy’s bathroom. It’s a Monday, which means that he’s still half asleep and reeling from Mr. Donaldson’s delightful first period lecture on The Catcher and the fucking Rye when he stumbles through the doors to the bathroom tucked around the back corner near the band room. Not the good bathroom by the language hall, no— the good bathroom was the one that the cool kids used. The one that Eddie frequents is the one with the ancient wonky toilet that no one ever actually uses because there’s a fifty-fifty chance of the singular working toilet in the room either flushing like normal or of it deciding to fuck you completely and flooding halfway down the hallway.

It’s been Eddie’s designated smoking spot since Rick let him in on the secret halfway through his sophomore year at good ole Hawkins High. Ninety-five percent of the time the room’s an absolute ghost town and if someone does show up it’s usually a fellow stoner looking for somewhere quiet to self-medicate before they’re subjected to the mind numbing horrors of Jeb fucking Houser’s government class a few doors down.

Which is why Eddie’s surprised to swing the doors open on a random Monday in late April and find the room already occupied— not by any of the usual suspects, but by Stevie goddamn Harrington, the queen bee of Hawkins High herself.

For a long moment, Eddie just stares at her like a deer in headlights, his fingers going lax around the cigarette that he’d already shaken loose from the pack. He doesn’t even notice it tumbling to the ground.

She’s sitting on the floor. 

That’s what he keeps getting stuck on. 

She’s just sitting there with her knees splayed out against the grimy tile, her body crumpled back against the far wall like a puppet with its strings cut. Her hair is still big, her nails still perfect, but there had been sniffles when he walked in, loud and ominous in the quiet until she’d clocked him standing there, her head snapping towards him.

Looking at her now… yeah, those are tears. Her dark eyes are big and round and wet, her lashes clumped hopelessly together with even more unshed tears. There are faint tracks down her cheeks where her mascara has run, black smears that skate past her chin.

For a long moment, they both just stare at each other in horrified silence. And then Eddie shifts awkwardly and breaks the stare down, belatedly stooping to scoop up his cigarette.

“Sorry,” he says, gesturing at the cigarette by way of explanation. He jerks the zippo from his pocket and jiggles it in her direction. “I just, uh—” He hesitates, not sure what to say. Should he offer to leave? Leave her to the dubious privacy of the shittiest bathroom in the school and give her back some modicum of her dignity? He thinks that’s probably his best option, to just turn around and get the heck out of dodge, but at the last second, he changes his mind, holding the cigarette out in question. “—you mind?”

Stevie blinks at him, the wet drag of her lashes terribly distracting. He watches them kiss her cheeks as if in slow motion and thinks for a moment, appallingly, of whether they’d feel whisper-soft against the palm of his hand if he touched them, a ghost of a touch like a butterfly’s wings.

Eddie watches in real time as she tries to compose herself, sniffing hard and wiping under her eyes as her spine goes straighter, her knees tucking back together all prim and proper. She bites her lip and for a moment he thinks that she’s going to argue with him, tell him to get out and go find another place to smoke.

Instead, she gives him a slightly watery smile and thrusts a hand out expectantly. “Only if you’ve got one to spare.”

[xxdemonlesixx]

4 of drawings the game but expect channel

[elekinetic]

how about "in this light (i swear you're mine)"

when nancy wheeler finds out the PTA banned mr. houser from chaperoning prom to “protect from deviancy,” she decides to make a public statement and take a girl to prom. she’s really only friends with one girl, but steve doesn’t seem like he’d mind missing his girlfriend’s prom.

(robin buckley gets asked out by nancy wheeler. she’s totally normal about it.)

make up a title and i’ll make up a fic

[rachelkaser]

Masonry Monday: The Case of the Substitute Face

A former bank employee quits his job and takes his wife and daughter on a cruise. His wife consults fellow passenger Perry Mason about the suspicious amount of money he has on him, only to become the prime suspect (and her daughter the star witness) when her husband is apparently pushed overboard.

Who’s Who

Perry Mason’s client: Anna Houser, a housewife who believes her husband got involved in something shady -- and she’s more right than she knows

The victim: Carl Houser, a bank employee with an unexplained influx of cash who doesn’t appear to be making any future plans involving his family

Suspects: Laura Houser, Carl and Anna’s teenage daughter, who’s caught in the middle when her mother is accused of her father’s murder Roland Carter, the Housers’ shipboard neighbor, who spends most of the trip half in the bag, but sees more than anyone realizes Daniel James, Carter’s beleaguered secretary, who’s not as eager as his employer to get involved in shipboard shenanigans Evelyn Whiting, a nurse onboard the ship who tends to a wheelchair-bound passenger with a face covered in bandages Roger P. Cartman, Evelyn’s patient, who apparently broke his neck and can’t speak or move at all Morgan Shreves, a gambling don almost convicted of tax evasion in Chicago, who mysteriously got off when a juror flipped

The Setup

It’s midday at the State National Saving and Loan, and bank president Andrew Dale asks his best bookkeeper, Carl Houser, if he can talk him out of quitting. Houser thanks Dale for his consideration, but says he needs rest time and plans to take his wife and daughter on a cruise. Dale shakes his hand and sends him off. Houser goes into a storeroom and, after a secretary leaves, locks the door and retrieves an envelope with several stacks of cash in it. He quickly stuffs the cash in a money belt concealed under his shirt.

Later, aboard the cruise ship Westminster, Perry Mason and Della Street are returning from a case in British Columbia in style, enjoying the breeze on deck. Della greets a young woman who’s staying in the cabin next to hers: Laura Houser, who also introduces her parents, Carl and Anna Houser. Laura goes to a date, while Carl and Anna invite Perry and Della to join them for drinks shortly. After they go, Della also greets nurse Evelyn Whiting, who is passing by with her patient, a wheelchair-bound, bandage-covered man with a broken neck. Perry signs an autograph for Evelyn’s nephew. Later, in the ship’s lounge, Anna Houser introduces Perry and Della to Roland Carter, her jolly shipboard neighbor. Carter also introduces his secretary, the sedate Mr. James.

Shortly after, Anna approaches Perry and Della, much less cheerful than before, and asks if she can speak with them. Before she can, however, all three notice Carl giving her a stern glare from the other side of the room, and Anna says she’ll speak with them later, in private. Sometime later, Perry and Della meet Anna in the Houser’s cabin, where she shows them Carl’s keepsake picture of her and Laura in a frame next to his bed. Perry asks why she’s distressed. She says that Carl has stolen a lot of money -- $100,000, to be exact.

Perry asks if she’s sure. Anna says that Carl claimed to have won the money in a sweepstakes, but his name wasn’t announced in any of the papers. She can’t think of another explanation for his having it, and explains Carl’s previous job. He worked at State National in Los Angeles for a year, ever since their family moved from Chicago. She also shows them a gun that Carl bought for protection, adding that he’s carrying all the money on him in a belt. She wants him to return the money to State National in the hopes they won’t charge him.

Perry asks how much of the money is left: Over $90,000, says Anna. Perry says he’s not just going to assume Carl embezzled the money and wants to hear his side, but Anna says he won’t talk to the lawyer. Perry says he’ll investigate and will send word to the Drake Detective Agency. If Carl has embezzled the money, they’ll have to make restitution to the bank and Anna will have to give the remaining money to Perry. In Los Angeles the next morning, Drake speaks with State National’s president, Andrew Dale, about Houser. An accountant enters and says there’s nothing wrong with Houser’s books -- they’re balanced to the penny.

The Murder

That night, the Westminster is rocking in a storm, icy rain pouring down. Perry spots Anna and Carl having an argument in a passageway, and Carl asks his wife to come with him out on the deck. Carter and James ask Perry to go for a drink, and dissuade him from his proposal to go on deck by saying he could get washed overboard. He agrees and they head to the bar. As Perry’s explaining to a tipsy Carter that he doesn’t only deal in murders, a loud horn sounds and ship Captain Walters says over the loudspeaker that a man has been reported overboard and the ship is stopping to investigate.

Everyone is ordered to their staterooms so that the ship’s staff can take a roll call, and Perry rushes to the Houser cabin. On the way, he passes Laura Houser coming in off the deck. Anna is in the cabin and shrieks when Perry tells her someone’s been reported overboard. Perry notices that the beloved picture of Anna and Laura on the table has been substituted with a picture of Carl. Anna is baffled. The captain arrives with the ship’s purser and tells Anna that her husband might be the man washed overboard. He also asks Anna to identify a revolver -- it’s her husband’s.

As Anna is sobbing, the captain asks to see the black dress Anna was wearing at dinner -- she’s in a nightdress now. Perry tries to intervene, but the Captain says he’s the law aboard the ship and must ensure his passengers’ safety. When Anna refuses to show him the dress, Cpt. Walters enters the passageway and asks Carter and James, who are just returning to their stateroom, to act as witnesses. He asks the purser to search for the dress, and Perry can’t stop them, but he asks the captain to get to the point. The purser finds the dress, soaked, in the shower, along with the money belt. The captain asks for James and Carter to observe the purser’s count of the money: It’s $91,500.

As they’ve docked in Los Angeles, Carter and James bid farewell to Mason, while Della checks up on Laura. The shellshocked girl doesn’t want to go back home under the circumstances, so they volunteer to get her a hotel room. After she leaves, Perry says he’s curious about who could have reported a man overboard last night. Evelyn Whiting passes by with her patient, who’s still covered in bandages. Later, Perry visits Anna at the jail and asks her to tell him everything. She says Carl asked her to go out on deck so they could be alone, where he gave her his money belt. He was upset, so Anna followed him up to the boat deck and tried to speak to him. He got angry, told her to leave and kissed her.

Anna’s convinced that he committed suicide out of guilt for stealing the money, but Perry says there’s no discrepancy on the bank’s books. Perry asks why the family moved from Chicago. Anna says Carl served on a jury the previous winter, where he believed the defendant was innocent. At the time, there’d been a big blizzard, and Carl wanted to live in a warmer climate. Perry proposes that Carl might still be alive, but Anna doesn’t know why he’d fake his death. Perry says there was no reason to substitute the picture -- unless Laura took it. She asks Perry to arrange for her to see Laura.

Back in Perry’s office, Della has bad news: Laura never checked in at the hotel they arranged for her and no one knows where she is. The phone rings: It’s Hamilton Burger. After some awkward small talk, Burger asks Perry if he’d be wiling to take a deposition, as the captain and purser of the Westminster are on a tight schedule and need to leave town. Perry refuses, saying Anna has the right to face her accusers, and Burger says he’ll move the preliminary hearing up the calendar so they can rejoin their ship later. Perry urges Paul to find Laura.

The Investigation

In court, Mason requests to approach the bench. He tries to argue the court has no jurisdiction over the case, but Burger says the Westminster was in California’s territorial waters. Burger calls the purser, Frank Buchanan, to the stand. Buchanan testifies about his discovery of the dress and Carter and James’s attendance. He also testifies about the money belt and its contents. On cross, Mason asks the purser when he last saw Houser alive. It was at dinner -- Buchanan didn’t speak to Carl, but he gave him a note from Evelyn Whiting. Perry tells Della to get Paul to check on Evelyn.

Later, Perry and Paul arrive at an empty cabin. Evelyn’s address on the ship’s book was phony, but her ride brought her to this cabin. They get closer to take a look. The wheelchair is inside, visible through the window. The house is owned by Morgan Shreves, a name that tickles Perry’s memory: Shreves was a big name in the Chicago gambling scene who was almost convicted in a tax evasion bust, only to get off. Perry says he wants to enter the cabin -- Paul protests that’s a felony, but Perry says it would only be a felony if he planned to do something unlawful. He only wants to leave his fingerprints, which is still a misdemeanor.

That night, Paul makes an anonymous call to Burger’s office and tells him that Evelyn Whiting and her patient saw the murder. He also gives him the address of the cabin and says Perry Mason found them there. Burger assumes Mason bribed them to go, and Paul doesn’t disillusion him of that notion, telling him to check for Mason’s fingerprints. After hanging up. Paul asks what Perry’s game is -- Perry says that they need the police looking for Evelyn, as they can find her faster than anyone. He also hopes it’ll keep them from discovering that Laura’s disappeared, as Perry wants Paul to find her.

The Trial

Back in court, there’s still no word about Laura. Mason again asks to approach the bench. He says the prosecution hasn’t produced sufficient evidence to prove that a murder has been committed -- not only is there no body, there’s no evidence of a body. Burger says he’ll produce just such necessary evidence with his next witness: He calls Laura Houser to the stand. Mason, Drake, and Anna are all shocked. Laura enters the court and briefly makes eye contact with her mother before taking the stand.

Mason is furious, saying that the prosecution concealed Laura from the defense. Burger says sotto voce to Mason that they didn’t know where Laura was either -- they only picked her up an hour ago getting off a flight from San Francisco. Burger proceeds with Laura’s testimony. On the night in question, she was on the A-deck, which is right below the boat deck. She said she wanted time alone to think. He asks her if her parents quarreled, and she says yes, over money. Laura was alone on the A-deck, but she heard what she thought was a gunshot above on the boat deck.

Laura says she went to the rail and looked up. She protests it was hard to see in the rain and wind, but she saw a man hanging from the rail of the boat deck. There was a woman with him. Burger asks if it was Anna, and Laura says she only saw the woman’s arms and back. Laura saw two bracelets on her left arm, just like her mother was wearing. The next thing Laura saw was the man go over the rail and fall past her into the sea. She called the operator from A-deck and reported a man overboard. She checked the boat deck and didn’t see anyone, then returned to her stateroom. Burger clarifies -- she told the operator she saw a man pushed overboard.

On cross, Mason gently asks where Laura went after leaving the boat. She went to San Francisco to get away, because she didn’t want to testify. He suggests that her father is still alive -- the judge is curious, but Burger doesn’t object. Mason asks if she saw her parents leave the dining room for the decks -- she did. He pushes that, because the decks were deserted, she assumed that the man and woman on the deck above were her parents. He asks about her words to the operator -- she said she saw a man go overboard, but didn’t identify him as her father. He suggests that she only concluded it was her father after the event, not during. And if he hadn’t been her father, then there’s nothing to suggest the woman on the deck was her mother.

Laura starts sobbing, realizing that her identification of her mother and father was just jumping to conclusions after the fact. Mason concludes his cross-examination. Burger, however, doesn’t appear at all disturbed at his star witness’s flip. He tells the court that he hasn’t objected because he didn’t want to interfere with Mason’s inference that Houser is still alive. Now Burger’s prepared to furnish proof of death: The body of Carl Houser has been found. Anna screams and falls into Mason’s arms.

The Investigation, Part Two

Paul arrives with the skinny from the autopsy: Houser’s body was found about a mile offshore. He was killed by a gunshot, but the fatal bullet was not from the gun found aboard ship. Also, Carl Houser was one of the members of the jury that got Morgan Shreves acquitted of tax evasion in Chicago. Della proposes that Carl could have gotten the $100k from Shreves bribing him. Paul asks how Perry thinks Evelyn fits in -- he says Shreves could have been her mysterious, bandaged patient. Perry says Paul’s forgetting one thing, but won’t say what that thing is.

Back in court, Burger says he knows of two other eyewitnesses, and wishes to have them testify. He found a lead on one, but the other has disappeared, and he believes Perry Mason is responsible. Mason repudiates the charges, and Burger admits he can’t substantiate them. He puts forward a motion for a 48-hour continuance, and Mason argues he should hear the evidence for the motion and be allowed to argue against it. Burger calls criminologist Christopher Walsh to the stand.

Walsh testifies taking fingerprints at the abandoned house after the DA’s office received a tip. In the house, he found the prints of Evelyn Whiting, a set of prints on the wheelchair presumed to be Roger Cartman’s, house owner Morgan Shreves’ prints, and sets belonging to Perry Mason and Paul Drake. Burger submits the prints into evidence. On cross, Mason asks how many people Walsh has fingerprinted -- Walsh says thousands. Who was the last one? Carl Houser, at the morgue. Mason picks up the fingerprints in evidence and asks for a copy of Houser’s fingerprints. He asks Walsh to identify them, but stops when he notes Walsh is going off of the names on the photographs of the prints.

Walsh says he could identify them without the names, but it would take him a few moments and a magnifying glass. Mason asks that he do so and folds the names down. Walsh produces a small glass and looks the prints over. Two sets of prints are identical -- they’re both Cartman’s, he testifies. Mason has him mark the identical prints so there can be no mistake. Then he drops the bomb: Walsh identified Carl Houser’s prints as Cartman’s. Mason contends that Houser left his prints in the house a full day after his alleged murder. Burger asks for a recess, but Mason says there’s one more witness he’d like to examine before he lets anyone leave the court . . .

In Summation

Twisty-turny Perry Mason cases are my favorite kind, and this is one of the twistier ones I’ve seen so far this season. We start with an apparently mild-mannered accountant having an amount of money he really shouldn’t have, and by the end of the episode we’ve involved a Chicago crime lord, a faked death, and a very elaborate case of mistaken identity. And one small clue everyone else overlooks is the key to Mason’s unraveling of the whole case.

This is one of those cases where, if you’re familiar with due process of law, you’d probably be tempted to call out the explosiveness of the finale, in which the guilty party shouts out from the gallery. And there are certainly Perry Mason episodes where that’s warranted, but in this one, I actually appreciate better how it unfolds. Perry cross-examines the last witness, and slowly coaxes them through (admittedly somewhat leading) questions into a damning admission, and the whole court is more stunned by it than anything. There’s even a shot of the judge staring sternly at the witness when they look to him to interrupt.

Also, the truth of the matter is that this big finale was not necessary in-universe, either. Mason actually uses evidence to prove his client’s innocence: Namely, the fingerprints that the bonafide expert identifies as belonging to Carl Houser, and which only could have been left after the time he was supposedly murdered. The bullet that killed him also didn’t come from the only gun to which Anna had access. The judge appears to be on the verge of dismissing the case or at least giving Burger a continuance to evaluate the new information. Perry just needles out the confession to prove Anna’s innocence beyond a reasonable doubt -- not the first or last time he’s used this tactic.

I don’t think Houser faking his death is a spoiler for this episode, given the dubious circumstances under which it happens, but I’m not going to spoil how exactly it happens. The main reason I want to talk about that is because I want to talk about the One Small Clue point -- and this might one of the only chances I get to do it in this series without spoiling the ending of the case. Because the One Small Clue in this case reveals that Houser faked his death: The picture of Laura and Anna that’s swapped out in their stateroom.

As Perry points out at the very end of the episode, this was the point that had him so convinced that Houser wasn’t simply flung off the side of the ship. No one but Houser had any reason to take the picture -- except possibly Laura, but she’d be more likely to keep a picture of her father than one of herself and her mother -- and even then he’d only take it if he believed he wasn’t going to see his wife and daughter again. So from this Perry concluded that he was likely alive but couldn’t return to them … in other words, he’d faked his overboard suicide.

Though speaking of the suicide, I’m baffled by how haphazardly it was pulled off. It’s staged in an area and at a time when it was least likely to be witnessed by a third party, and yet in such a way that they plainly wanted there to be such a person. I find the same holes in the prosecution’s case, because as Mason points out, there was no evidence of corpus delicti until Laura Houser testified, and the police only detained her an hour before she appeared on the stand. That means the prosecution went to the preliminary hearing with next-to-no evidence that a crime had been committed at all. I find that very sloppy of Mr. Burger.

Actually, that makes me think: Why did they figure Anna for the murderer? Her dress was wet, yes, but all that proves is that she was on the deck when it rained -- she could have been out there all of two minutes, for all they know. And no one in the episode suggests a solid motive, as Anna and her husband appear to be happily married and she had almost as much access to his money when he was alive as she does when he’s dead. Again, it’s Laura’s testimony that puts her mother at the scene and the police don’t even find her until well into the trial.

I don’t know if I’ve properly articulated it in this recap, but Anna Houser’s defining characteristic among Perry Mason clients appears to be histrionics. She’s nervy and prone to shrieking when she’s taken by surprise. Not that I can blame her given the amount of stress she’s under, but part of me wonders: If she can believe the worst of her husband, thinking he’d steal from his own employers (which can be easily traced) to the point of approaching a well-known lawyer with her suspicions, then why doesn’t she seem to suspect that Carl, the one holdout juror on the trial of a notorious gambling don, might have been bribed?

By the way, this episode produces one inference I found interesting: Perry and Della are returning via ship from a case in British Columbia (which was evidently not a murder). That means that Perry Mason is licensed to practice law in Canada. Raymond Burr himself was from British Columbia, so perhaps he’s the one who suggested that as the point of departure -- in the original Gardner novel, Perry and Della are actually sailing back from Japan. A Canadian trip would explain how Carl Houser managed to spend almost $10,000 of his money before his faked death.

The Verdict

Judgement: ⚖⚖⚖ (three scales out of four) A seemingly innocuous case of a middle-class person mysteriously having a lot of money takes several turns before we get to the end, all of them entertaining. The holes in the prosecutions case do knock off a few points, though the One Small Clue that exposes the truth is always a fun trope.

[spinxeret]

+ ( know I didn't get a whole lot of replies done today, but man, I've made a damn big chunk of progress on my fic, and I'm proud of that <3 Plus I have a signed copy of ASM RYV #19 coming soon, signed by Mrs. Jody Houser herself ! What a great day ! )

[obsessedwiththebatman]

Val Edward Kilmer [Val Kilmer]

(December 31, 1959 – April 1, 2025) was an American actor.

Kilmer was a big star in the 1980s and 1990s. first came to fame with his roles in Top Secret! (1984) went on to star in a number of high profile films including Among his best known roles is in Top Gun, as the antagonist Iceman opposite Tom Cruise (1985)

Tombstone (1993) and Batman Forever (1995). He was one of the best paid actors in Hollywood during the 1990s.

Kilmer stared in the biographical depiction of 1960s rock band singer Jim Morrison aka the 'Electric Poet' The Doors (1991)

He took over from Michael Keaton in the role of the caped crusader in Batman Forever (1995), Joel Schumacher film, opposite Nicole Kidman, Jim Carrey and Tommy Lee Jones. a film which performed very respectably at the box office.

He reprised the character in the 2022 sequel Top Gun: Maverick in an emotional scene in which his character was afflicted with the same cancer, and couldn’t use his own voice to speak.

Movies / Tv Appearances

2024

How to Rob a Bank · as Chris Shiherlis (archive Footage)

2022

Top Gun: Maverick · as Adm. Tom 'iceman' Kazansky

2021

The Birthday Cake · as Uncle Angelo

2020

Paydirt · as Sheriff Tucker

2020

A Soldier's Revenge · as Cj

2019

Jay and Silent Bob Reboot · as Bluntman

2019

Cinema Twain · as Mark Twain

2019

1st Born · as Biden

2017

The Super · as Walter

2017

The Snowman · as Rafto

2017

Song to Song · as Duane

2014

Tom Sawyer & Huckleberry Finn · as Mark Twain

2014

The Spoils of Babylon (TV Series) · as General Cauliffe

2013

Palo Alto · as Stewart

2013

Ghost Ghirls (TV Series) · as Sweetriver Jackson

2013

Standing Up · as Hofstadder

2013

Planes · as Bravo (voice)

2013

Riddle · as Sheriff Richards

2012

The Fourth Dimension · as Hector

2012

7 Below · as Mccormick

2012

The Roadie

2012

Wyatt Earp's Revenge · as Wyatt Earp

2012

Breathless · as Dale

2012

Deep in the Heart · as The Bearded Man

2011

B'Twixt Now and Sunrise · as Hall Baltimore

2011

5 Days of War · as Dutchman

2011

Blood Out · as Arturo

2011

Kill the Irishman · as Joe Manditski

2010

The Traveler · as Mr. Nobody / Drifter

2010

Gun · as Angel

2010

MacGruber · as Cunth

2010

Bloodworth · as Warren Bloodworth

2009

Double Identity · as Dr. Nicholas Pinter

2009

Hardwired · as Virgil Kirkhill

2009

Cabeça a Prêmio · as Wanted Man

2009

The Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans · as Stevie Pruit

Pruit

2009

The Thaw · as Dr. David Kruipen

2009

American Cowslip · as Todd Inglebrink

2009

Streets of Blood · as Detective Andy Devereaux

2009

The Steam Experiment · as Jimmy

2008

Delgo · as Bogardus (voice)

2008

XIII: The Conspiracy (TV Series) · as La Mangouste

2008

2:22 · as Maz

2008

Columbus Day · as John Cologne

2008

Felon · as John Smith

2008

The Love Guru · as Val Kilmer (uncredited)

2008

American Meth · as Narrator

2008

Knight Rider · as K.i.t.t. (voice)

2008

Knight Rider (2008) (TV Series) · as Kitt (voice)

2008

Conspiracy · as Macpherson

2008

Comanche Moon (TV Series) · as Inish Scull

2008

Unconquered; Allan Houser and the Legacy of One Apache Family · as Narrator

2007

A West Texas Children's Story · as Henderson

2006

Deja Vu · as Agent Pryzwarra

2006

Moscow Zero · as Andrey

2006

Summer Love · as The Wanted Man

2006

Psych (TV Series) · as Detective Dobson

2006

Played · as Dillon

2006

10th & Wolf · as Murtha

2006

The Ten Commandments: The Musical · as Moses

2005

SNL Digital Shorts (TV Series)

2005

The Showbiz Show with David Spade (TV Series)

2005

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang · as Gay Perry

2005

Numb3rs (TV Series)

2004

Alexander · as Philip

2004

Entourage (TV Series)

2004

Stateside · as Staff Sergeant Skeer

2004

Mindhunters · as Jake Harris

2004

George and the Dragon · as El Cabillo (uncredited)

2004

Spartan · as Scott

2003

Blind Horizon · as Frank Kavanaugh

2003

The Missing · as Lt. Jim Ducharme

2003

Wonderland · as John Holmes

2003

Masked and Anonymous · as Animal Wrangler

2003

Jimmy Kimmel Live! (TV Series)

2003

The Seventh Man · as Narrator (voice)

2002

The Salton Sea · as Tom Van Allen | Danny Parker

2002

Hard Cash · as Fbi Agent Mark C. Cornell

2001

Saturday Night Live: The Best of Molly Shannon · as Dr. Marshal Reams

2001

Robot Chicken (TV Series) · as Man-E-Faces

2000

Red Planet · as Robby Gallagher

2000

Pollock · as Willem Dekooning

1999

Joe the King · as Bob Henry

1999

At First Sight · as Virgil Adamson

1998

The Prince of Egypt · as Moses (voice)

1997

The Saint · as Simon Templar

1996

The Ghost and the Darkness · as Col. John Henry Patterson

1996

Dead Girl · as Dr. Dark

1996

The Island of Dr. Moreau · as Montgomery

1995

Heat · as Chris Shiherlis

1995

Batman Forever · as Bruce Wayne / Batman

1995

Wings of Courage · as Jean Mermoz

1993

Tombstone · as Doc Holliday

1993

True Romance · as Mentor

1993

The Real McCoy · as J.t. Barker

1992

Thunderheart · as Ray Levoi

1991

The Doors · as Jim Morrison

1991

Memorial: Letters from American Soldiers · as Reader

1989

Kill Me Again · as Jack Andrews

1989

Billy the Kid · as William Bonney

1988

LIVE with Kelly and Mark (TV Series)

1988

Willow · as Madmartigan

1987

The Man Who Broke 1,000 Chains · as Robert Elliot Burns / Elliot Roberts

1986

The Murders in the Rue Morgue · as Philippe Huron

1986

Top Gun · as Ice

1985

Real Genius · as Chris Knight

1984

Top Secret! · as Nick Rivers

1972

The ABC Afterschool Special (TV Series) · as Eric

AWARDS

1989

ACE-Actor in a Movie or Miniseries: Nominated

1992

CFCA Award-Best Actor: Nominated

1992

MTV Movie Award-Best Male Performance:Nominated

1994

MTV Movie Award-Most Desirable Male:Nominated

1994 MTV Movie Award-Best Male Performance:Nominated

1996

Saturn Award-Best Supporting Actor:Nominated

1996

MTV Movie Award-Most Desirable Male:Nominated

1997

Razzie Award-Worst Supporting Actor:Nominated

1998

Razzie Award-Worst Actor: Nominated

2003

Prism Award-Performance in a Theatrical Feature Film: Winner

2005 Razzie Award-Worst Supporting Actor:Nominated

2005

Satellite Award-Outstanding Actor in a Supporting Role, Comedy or Musical: Winner

2006

Saturn Award-Best Supporting Actor:Nominated

2011

MTV Movie Award-Best Villain: Nominated

2017

Time-Machine Honorary Award-: Winner

2021

Critics' Choice Documentary Award-Most Compelling Living Subject of a Documentary: Winner

2021

Critics' Choice Documentary Award-Best Narration: Winner

2023

Redeemer Award-: Nominated

2024

Family Film Award-Best Iconic Film:Nominated

Author

2021

New York Times bestseller

I'm Your Huckleberry: A Memoir