#mourning a life i will never live
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What happened brutha'? Why you feelin' down?
I just got too into my own head. Thinkin about my worth and place in the world, it made me spiral. All I want in life to feel loved, to be wanted...
I'm so unbelievably lonely :)
(bigass vent in the tags, sorry)
#i know i have all my wonderful friends here online#and i love all of you dearly#but i can't exactly hold your hand#ya know?#I'm just so tired of being alone#but I'm also scared of being hurt again#or used#or abandoned#oh and not to mention all the fucking body image issues I've been having lately#it's mostly because of gender stuff#but i keep having terrible dreams about my weight#and I'm not all that insecure about my weight#it's just#this fat is on an afab body. it sits different#my silhouette is different#the world's image of me is cruel#and lately it's been really getting to me#I've had many a nights where i lay in bed crying#mourning a life i will never live#mourning a childhood I never got to have#i wish i was born a boy#why couldn't I have been born a boy?#why does everything hurt so much#vent#anyways. I'm going to bed.#goodnight! :)
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ALEX SHEPHERD, THE BOY WHOSE SOUL IS BOUND TO EARTH AND HE CANNOT DIE. // a.k.a how one small mistake can make you wish you stayed dead
jenny holzer / saturniinne / sun bleached flies - ethel cain / orofeaiel / cecil castellucci / violetteforevernever / ojibwa / i know it's over - the smiths / tathève simonyan / stellernorth / robert bly
#oc alex#a.a.k.a no one is coming to save you. get over yourself.#yes this is a short web weave but like...... it couldve been sooo much longer theres so much i can use for him. so much i can say about him#he's terrified of death. he just wants to be at peace. he wants to live again. he's getting so tired. he just wants to go home.#theres no home left for him. he's mourning. he's so over it. he's alone in this world. he always was alone.#going missing and dying changed nothing. it changed everything. but only for a second.#and then life carried on without him. he will never get that time back. he misses it. he doesnt want to go back.#he needs company. he wants so desperately to be left alone. theres still hope. theres no hope left. Do You Understand.
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We only see each other at funerals
(On Jason, Thalia, Nico, Bianca, and their parallels/connections)
The Titan's Curse (Rick Riordan), @/anxiousmaya_, Right Now (Gracie Abrams), The Battle of the Labyrinth (Rick Riordan), Joan of Arc (Mary Gordon), The Lost Hero (Rick Riordan), Episodes Toward and Elegy for Halley's Comet (Lindsey Drager), Jason Grace (Riordan Wiki), The Gods Show Up (Michael Kinnucan), The House of Hades (Rick Riordan), What the Living Do (Marie Howe), The House of Hades (Rick Riordan), Planet of Love (Richard Siken), The Blood of Olympus (Rick Riordan), Tangerine (Nolune), The Blood of Olympus (Rick Riordan), The Blood of Olympus (Rick Riordan), I Bet On Losing Dogs (Mitski), The Burning Maze (Rick Riordan), @/abhorarchive (Twitter), The Burning Maze (Rick Riordan), Seventeen (MARINA), The Burning Maze (Rick Riordan), @/rollercoasterwords, The Tyrant's Tomb (Rick Riordan), @/the-overanalyst, Where Things Come Back (John Corey Whaley), Grit (Silas Denver Martin), Softcore (The Neighbourhood), The Tower of Nero (Rick Riordan), Frost (Mitski), @/moonbends, I'm Your Man (Mitski), Sun Bleached Flies (Ethel Cain), The Tower of Nero (Rick Riordan), Three (Sleeping At Last), My Art
#nono you don't understand it's about the siblings#it's about how thalia lost jason once only to get him back and lose him again#it's how jason and bianca both walked into their deaths with their eyes wide open#it's about zeus trying to kill nico and bianca and him doing nothing to stop jason from dying#it's about thalia being in the hunters and nico hating her but he knows how to grieve with that kind of loss#so he'll help her. for jason. for bianca. because no one deserves to mourn a sibling alone#like these four barely interact but they're soooo connected i could go on forever#i'm so sad thalia and nico never actually got a scene together after the burning maze#and ALSO#it's about the fact that reyna is one of the most (if not the most) important people left in their lives#LIKE#do you think thalia found out how close nico and reyna were and started watching her more closely#because every person the two of them have shared has ended up six feet under#so reyna gets annoyed with how protective thalia is but she doesn't stop her bc part of her can tell thalia needs it#and nico constantly checks to make sure reyna's life force is still strong#bc he never wants to be caught off guard by a death again#ok im done now i promise#the trials of apollo#trials of apollo#nico di angelo#reyna ramirez arellano#reyna avila ramirez arellano#web weaving#fanart#my art tag#thalia grace#jason grace#percy jackson#percy jackson fanart#bianca di angelo
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I genuinely believe Naksu haunts the narrative. Her actions and existence as Naksu heavily impact the entire story. Her past, the life she lived and the shadow of it in Mudeok. But we don't actually know any of it because Naksu is not in the story.
Like. What she lost as Cho Yeong is something that we are never allowed to forget, the loss of her body, her powers, her freedom, and her impending death as a soul shifter hangs over Mudeok's head like guillotine.
All the while we don't actually know the Shadow Assassin Naksu, she died in the first episode, as soon as the story began. Other than training and killing (soul shifters) what kind of person was she when she didn't have to rely on another person else or hide or live as someone else? We don't know and we don't ever learn any of that.
Still, her absence is the plot, yet her former existence as Naksu influences everything; Yul's actions and what she was to him, Jang Uk's goal of returning her powers, the revelation of soul shifters to Park Jin, Jang Gang's departure, Jin Mu's accomplishments, the King's Star even.
Everything is about her existence but she doesn't actually exist at all anymore.
#before anyone disagrees she declares naksu dead in ep 5 or something and tell yul the person he knew no longer exists in ep 19#naksu is dead but the shadow of her hangs over everything#what could have been and what wasn't is mourned in nearly episode#alchemy of souls#also im not saying one life is better than the other but there is always this sense of loss in mudeok that is never forgotten by the story#SHE DESERVED TO LIVE AS HERSELF#Also for me its the tragedy of all of it that makes the show so good#like dont get me wrong im certifiably insane over the romance and would be very happy with the ending offered but even the then the best pa#*the happy ending offered in ep19#is that#she escaped the circle of tragedy shes been trapped in#and has so many people that she loves and cares for now and how those ppl care for her just as much#this post is brought to you by: my mutual and i finally finishing our rewatch
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So, how was it to not exist?
mixed reviews
#Celebi#dusknoir#grovyle#future trio#pokemon doodles#original art#I wonder how ‘long’ they were gone#Like back in partner’s world how long did they live without hero?#I always thought maybe a couple of months?#But it would’ve been interesting if it was in the scale of years#imagine if partner had slowly gone ahead with their life and somewhat even accepted everything#Mourned the loss of hero/grovyle/everyone but learned to live with it#And then BOOM hero’s back like they were never gone#Also might’ve been fun to play as partner in the interim#Could’ve been a whole side plot
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having swap au thoughts. *slaps roof of claus* there's so much mental illness in this guy. im gonna blow up everyone in the room and then myself
#what if you felt unbearable guilt because your brother went missing in the two seconds you were separated#and you feel like there mustve been Something you couldve done to prevent it#if only you had stuck together. if only you hadnt let him tag along on your basically-a-suicide-mission in the first place#but none of those things happened so you go through three years blaming yourself#continuing to search for him because maybe hes still out there. and maybe exhausting yourself on an aimless search is a way you can atone#and then you're pulled into this big destiny adventure so your searching is put on the back burner#you're so busy doing important things and meeting new friends and there are points in your adventure where your heart feels lighter#and maybe you open up just a little about the crushing guilt you feel. and your new friends say it wasnt your fault#maybe you start accepting that your brother is really gone but you have to keep living your life#saving your brother was a far out dream but saving the world is something you have the power to do#so you try your best. so you dont fuck up this time#your guilt becomes the fuel keeping you going#and then at the end of your journey#you find out one of the biggest obstacles on your journey#the human chimera that you felt kinda horrified at and a little bad for even as you fought them#is your brother you've been mourning and agonizing over not being able to save#so um. The Guilt is even worse now#now he doesnt just feel responsible for his death. he Now feels responsible for him becoming this Creature Thing under porkys control#and in a lucas dies scenario. hoogh i cant imagine how claus would feel after that.......#however the thing that spurred this post was thinking about the lucas lives postgame scenario (it just got a bit out of hand lol) so.#your brother is alive and back home again and youre so unbelievably glad#but the guilt still creeps up every time you see how much hes Changed. physically and mentally#you had just started to accept the fact youd have to live without your brother but somehow having him back is almost just as painful#things cant just go back to how they were before. youll never be the exact same happy family as you used to be#its strange adjusting to having lucas back and its strange trying not to step on each others toes with their trauma#you cant help but be clingy because you couldnt bear it if he disappeared again under your watch#but nobody wants to be watched all the time especially when youre recovering from your brainwashed identity as an army commander#FUCK I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT I WANTED TO RAMBLE MORE AUGH. THEY MAKE ME SO ILL. i swear its not all angst theres some lightheartedness in it#mother 3 swap au#mothfics
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hmm... spent the afternoon mourning versions of myself that will never exist again. it must be odd and misplaced but nonetheless overwhelming feelings of grief season!
#cried for my teenage self and my 20 year old self and my 22 year old self. for no particular reason.#i wish i lived coastally so i could go pace up and down a freezing coastline contemplating every choice ive ever made#and mourning every person who has ever entered in exited my life in the smallest ways even people i never spoke to#just thought about a person i havent seen in nearly a decade and felt like throwing up even if we were never close!#sometimes i even miss people i hated#wish i could give my 15 year old self all of the knowledge and resilience that i have now. wish i could give her a hug. and $1000#wish people i used to know were are google-able as i am and also wish i remembered how to spell their names LMAO
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Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death
#(i'm fine)#(personally) (mostly) (really)#this has just been an absolutely terrible year for our planet and its people and animals#and it's fucking insane that as an american living in relative safety and comfort and experiencing the pleasures and guilt of that...#...i can experience this horrible yet ENTIRELY SURVIVABLE blend of acute pain over so many things at once#including war and genocide and the utter hopelessness of that#and also things like being really really sad that matthew perry's life was so hard and he died#and also so many bad and weird things have happened to family members this year but we mostly have the resources to come together and deal#which is amazing and bolstering and exhausting#and my brain still has space to be excited about writing and numb to writing and angry/impotent about writing#desperate for feedback yet private and retreat-y and weird#always hoping to hit upon The Perfect Thing :-/#and i live in a place that basically is not a democracy any more and also the u.s. is so cursed we've never been what we said we were#so a lot of my own perceived safety is incredibly fragile#but still so much more solid than what the people i am mourning for had#and none of the comparisons make a lick of sense and are in and of themselves deeply unfair#to the point that it's humiliating to feel guilt (making it about me) and simultaneously humiliating that i don't feel guilt *constantly*#and i have therapy this week but also this deep sense that while my therapist will be a fine person to talk to it will feel unuseful#i've always been a muddle of optimism and pessimism and i am very adamant that life is super beautiful and this is precisely why...#...all the violence in the world is so brutally devastating#it's just that the casserole of all these thoughts feels increasingly horrible#and feeling that way is 100% sane#and even intersectional frameworks and intentional attempts at gentleness only get you so far in the grapple#for meaning and for ideas of what to do#so i end up contacting my reps about various awful things#and zooming in and out on my fixations and having excellent days and terrible days#often dependent on what feels like a camera setting i only partially control#and i'm sure i'm not alone in feeling embarrassed that deep empathy and grief for people i've not met somehow ends up being...#...at least a sliver about ME and my little world#about me
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Kinda feral over all the sibling relationships in mdzs actually. jc and wwx's love-hate relationship, "being around you is traumatic but i cant believe you're gone, you're supposed to be the ghost but I'll do the haunting, looking for you everywhere", "i gave my most prized possession to you so that you'll become who you're meant to be", "my sword recognizes you as an owner because you are part of me and I'm part of you". nh being unwilling to follow a classical cultivator path but expertly setting the whole plot into motion and fooling everyone into underestimating him, a huge part of his motivation being his desire to kill the person who killed and is now puppeteering his brother. his final act of deception being punishment to both jg AND lx, because guess what, lx hugely enabled jg's actions against his brother and is to be punished as well in nh's eyes. jiang yanli being one of the very few people who even with her dying breath believed that wwx isn't bad and something else is up, urging him to stop what he's doing because it isn't like him. lwj and lx being eachothers' confidants and you just know they both protected eachother when the rest of their sect questioned and punished their love-driven acts, "brother i want to bring someone to gusu but they're unwilling", ah, my heart.
#mdzs#evelyn stuff#ive been thinking more about nie huaisang lately and how much he honestly snapped#how many years was this into motion#also also. fuck. if you consider that nie huaisang convinced ANOTHER illegitimate child of jin guangshan to kill themselves#in order to ressurect wwx#all in the name of killing another of jin guangshan's illegitimate children#the parallels are paralleling#and yeah i believe that nie huaisang 's motivation is partly 'i was supposed to just live my life'#'and you made me take up a position i never wanted. you ruined my life. you'll pay'#but he definitely mourned his brother and his revenge is definitely about him also
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placeholder images for my blog for when i draw about dragon age veilguarddd. probably
#dragon age tag#😭😭😭😭#ummmm....freakin loved it.....i didn't for the first 20 hours or so but then...YAY!!!!!!!!!!!#endings are hard...i will stay rook much longer in my heart i am the mourn watcherrr i am the elf mage mourn watcher genderless foundling#i'm not a dragon age 'fan' LOL basically..i just loved fenris. finally dragon age gameplay is FUN for me...and more CAPTIVATING ROMANCE<33#ouargh.....my journey..my friends..now i have to live “”“Real”“” life again..ugh#but i want to draw lots of edgeworth too i just finished investigations 2 which was also SO GOOD!!! and more WITCH HAT#They will never take the life and love from me!!!!!!!!! i will draw i will live
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never forget how when cw longbottom, mythic quest’s comic relief old man side character, died by driving himself into the grand canyon i cried for 2 days straight and not even when i watched the eps like i would just be living my life and i would randomly break down in the middle of the day
#top ten craziest mq fan moments#living up to being the only cw longbottom recommended blog on tumblr#idk man he’s so grandpa coded to me (he is the worst man alive)#kaitlinshottakes#mythic quest#cw longbottom#PEOPLE IN MY LIFE HAVE DIED AND I HAVE NEVER MOURNED THAT HARD THIS IS A.BIT EMBARRASSING….
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Urges to script out a small comic piece as a partial rewrite/reimagining sort for arc 2's epilogue, versus the fact that I will likely never actually finish it...
#I think the peacemaker resolution is actually incredibly interesting#like I know people say it ruined the morals of arc 2 and such but I think it's more fun to meet the narrative where it is like.#really asking the question what does this mean if there is never a chance for the dragon to be turned back?#is this just a type of murder? would people have reacted differently if they had killed darkstalker in a more straightforward manner?#the books like to treat a lot of the magic as a study of a character's relation to identity; e.i tourmaline choosing to become ruby again#because she IS ruby now. we don't get a POV for her so we don't know if she mourns losing her life as tourmaline#but she makes the choice because her life as ruby is much richer. ruby is a mother and tourmaline isn't ruby is queen and tourmaline isn't#I believe tui stated outright that to reverse the peacemaker enchantment would simply result in darkstalker dying altogether#so if there's no way for him to come back...#it's interesting !! it's even more interesting the idea of the after effects on the characters themselves#also I get to live in the reality in which they intend to tell Winter. because god I hate the epilogue for how it shafts him.#they'd tell him !!! they trust him !!! i know this I know them better than Tui did writing that epilogue !!!! believe me please god !!!!#anyway I specifically want to script out a conversation between Kinkajou and Qibli#I think they'd have interesting things to talk about on the matter
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I started perfect marriage revenge and not even joking it keeps making me cry because of how perfect seo do-guk is. he’s so sweet and soft and men irl just suck in comparison :/
#another day another deep and genuine heartbreak realising fictional love is not realistic#and I will probably never live a whirlwind romance 😭#don’t talk to me I’m mourning#the life not lived nor will it be :(#rahma watches stuff#perfect marriage revenge
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quick dreamsnso i can find them later
#eating pine branches at grandmas.#lived next door.#renting.#pine branches were really tasty and chewy like ... soupy tootsie rolls?#tried to sneak up on sister#while holding a plastic bag#found. she thought i was soemthing worse. also had been followed by crows for awhile#went back home. grandparents mom and uncles gave me 21 cents and advice on how to have a good birthday on the dime#played sonic the hedgehog with mom except ive never played sonic before in my life so it definitely wasnt that#more like animal crossing with an explore / battle mode?#and you could only pick from 3 characters#mom played with me. i was surprised.#. next dream#exploring a minecraft like world. big mansion#somehow end up in hell#i fall down and loose my exit. have to fight invisible ghasts and monsters until i can explore and find a way back#find a way back. no tools. hard to find resources to make a pickaxe in this mansion.#im with a bunch of people and mocked for not being able to find twigs#someone destroys a chair and hands me a bundle of twigs#i know the next step is to go punch a tree but all the trees growing here are pretty and i dont want to#later theres some ceremony. funeral maybe but with more religious undertones?#i have to wear a dress#and am handed heavy dangly earrings to wear#after i mourn and gather myself. some sort of special symbolism.#i take longer to mourn than the crowd of others would like#wearing the earrings themselves feels like tremendous grief to me. the weight of doing something I Am Not.#then they ask me to put on eyeshadow too#all of this in a very feminine way mind you#i tear tf out of there and flee#i run into more people in the hallway. somehow this place ends up being the church i grew up in
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brain keep try be anxious say fake leg issue caused worse self because focus on it but how am not supposed focus on it ? cant even shift leg and it hurt now and i scared and upset ,,, i all alone scared not understand what happening why just get worse worse worse feel like health keep fall down cliff stay same for little bit then get worse again why happen me ?
#txt#vent#if this all from brain injury i going lose it#i live life suffer because person who lied have me hurt me so bad nearly died and he got off minimal#people who supposed care me KNOW had brain injury abuse me for it mom watch husband hit me in head cause head hit wall bounce had walk off#what if that made all worse ?? what if i pay price now for abuse put through then ? why *I* pay price *THEY* one who did it#everyone in brain injury tag say they mourn who used be i never even got that . i never got chance . i mourn chance .
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...
#...i think back and it feels like a different life last year lived by a different person and i just stepped into her shoes for a bit#my head hurts and i feel like I'm trying to think through quicksand#everything i could do easily feels like an impossible task#and... I'm so tired and so numb and so ready to be done#i have very few reasons to live anf they get smaller and smaller all of the time#the changeling has shed her mask and the mother mourns what was never there
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