#motivation hard to find lately
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then... how much pink will eventually mask the blue?
#project sekai#pjsk#mizuki akiyama#mizu5#nightcord at 25:00#25 ji nightcord de#my art#hi guys i know i'm insanely late but i've been looping bake no hana and posting about mizu5 an insane amnt#and i finally got motivation to actually draw wowww wowww#anyways. as a trans person she makes me insanely depressed. i understand her struggles i get her so bad.#i broke down crying last night thinking about mizu5 too hard#also transphobes go kys if you find this don't say shit i will maul you fuck off
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tagged by @southernreaches thank you fray!!! 🫶
rules: put your music library on shuffle, then list the first five songs that come up in a poll to let people vote for their favorite!
tagging (if you wanna do this, no pressure!!)
@yahgrondu @yharnams @pawnguild @volkihar @nokstella
@gurathins @alexheart @pinkfey @gortash @merdruid
@qingyii @ehlnofaey @tarasahl @katsigian @vilnan
#tag games#ok i know cmx r pretty much unknown outside of finland but i cant watch them go unvoted against tumblr faves lord huron and tamino#gonna vote for them myself 🫵#even if u dont understand the lyrics please check punainen komentaja out it goes so hard i promise!!!#also revealing my kpoppie past with this one 😔#no but like late 2nd gen kpop is where its at. infinite will always be special to me#also sorry i haven't rly responded to uhhh anything i've mostly been focused on recovering from the hospital stint !#strangely it fixed my sleep schedule and my messy meal schedule and like#idk if this is just a phase lol but i've been motivated to live healthier after i got home#which means less time for idle scrolling here lmao#ofc i dont wanna abandon this blog but. i gotta find the right balance. anyway consider this a semi hiatus while i figure it out#i've also been spending lots of time on the fields of mistria.....#working on my little farm and befriending the villagers is paramount to my recovery. the doctor said so
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happy birthday, sol!!
this blog may as well be dead by now but i just wanted to say thank you everyone for giving me the best months of my life ^^
#i am so sorry for the long hiatus—#college has been beating my ass and it's been hard to find the motivation lately#but i hope to revive this blog bit by bit#even though i know the original fandom has probably dwindled by now#a sol#solomon#ソロモン#solomon obey me#obey me solomon#obey me one master to rule them all#obey me shall we date#obey me swd#obey me nightbringer#obey me#おべいみ��#mo's sketches#my art#mo rambles into the void#i wish i made something better
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i like it when ppl draw this freak with pants like that. woe. ms paint gwam be upon ye. mole if u see this, this is dedicated to u
#immmmmmm#so stuck between#my art fight stuff#and my mental health being ass#(im kinda hiding from tumblr atm oops but i still wanna post this)#so doodling smthn NOT art fight feels AAAHHH SO GOOD#theres drawings i could post in theory but getting a pic of it thats good is a nightmare. cant do it now its like alost 10 pm here.#even worse light conditions. oops...!#i keep fearing im loosing toontown as a fixation but its LITERALLY on my mind 24/7. im just playing the game a bit less.#finding motivation once youre in the postgame and done with all the bosses (except pace and chip) (and prester but his ass dont count) is a#BIT HARD. but then again my motivation been low as of late.#ANYWAYS.#gramanesspaysor. enjoy.#pacesetter#doodles#ms paint#toontown corporate clash#i dont think ill draw him like this much btw. i prefer like. staying more 'on model' with my prev art of him. this was just for funsies..#like any art should be tbh..... hee hee#i hope my brain will fix itself a bit after art fight. i may upload these last pieces and stop caring about it too bc HOO#i mean i do have one thing thatll take forever to do still but#wauurghhhhhhhhh#i wanna draw more cool cogs but art fight almost done#guz art
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Friendship and relationships are hard, I'm lonely and can't be loved by anyone, so here's some hard realities and wisdom from someone who's going to die sad and alone inevitably:
Many of you have got to try to put some effort in nurturing your relationships with your friends, or at least more clearly negotiate what your friends can and can't expect from you in the long-term.
Seriously, this whole 0-contact-aside-from-reacting-through-each-other's notes and proclaiming you're ride-or-die about someone for it? Is literally killing me. I've actually been dealing with suicidality because of how impossible it is to stay in touch with, or even on good terms with, people I thought were my friends but ghosted me, and then acted bewildered when I was angry with them for it or didn't acknowledge them as my friend anymore. "You can't be mad at me for not answering your DMs for 7 years! We're friends! I still reblog your reblogs!"
I am absolutely allowed to be angry, and I absolutely can demote you in my mind from "person I thought was a friend" to "mutual that ignores me until they need a dopamine fix or an answer to a specific question".
Months or years of unprompted, unbroken silence is not friendship - acquaintenceship, sure, but not friendship. It's a bad friend that expects love and loyalty by default no matter how long they've been ghosting their friends.
Love and loyalty are like a garden: they require cultivating and a commitment to nurture and grow, or else it gradually withers, and eventually dies. Earning the love and loyalty of a friend and then abandoning the garden of that relationship is how you find yourself locked out of your former friend's garden, or find them lonely, miserable, and exhausted from trying to keep the garden thriving when they themselves have slowly been dying inside because you haven't come back to the garden in years.
You have to learn to reach out and nurture your relationships. If you're autistic or otherwise have problems socializing, there are still some skills that you need to learn to avoid being isolated and friendless at the end of the day. Being autistic with trouble socializing is not an excuse to treat people you call your friends or that you claim to love like hobbies you can leave and come back to whenever you feel like - I learned this the hard way as an autistic person with shit social skills.
You have to negotiate what a friend can expect from you if you're an Outside Cat Friend that only drops in when you have specific reasons to reach out. It can be heartbreaking being the friend left waiting for a reply or a text without knowing the friend you're waiting for is an Outside Cat Friend.
Unless you have already agreed with your friend(s) that it's okay to ghost each other for extensive periods, spontaneously dropping out of contact with someone you've convinced is a good friend to you is really shitty and makes you a shitty friend.
"But I don't have the energy to reach out." Tell them.
"I have a lot going on and don't have time to talk." FUCKING TELL THEM.
"I haven't had anything to talk about." THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR.
"I've been too anxious to reach out." SAY THAT. JUST SAY THAT.
"I need a break from social contact for a while, so I don't wanna talk at all really." SAY THAT BEFORE YOU JUST DROP OFF THE END OF THE EARTH.
I've been the Reaching-Out Friend for most of my life, and in the past 5-10 years especially, I haven't been finding a whole lot of strength left to keep tending abandoned gardens that are thriving in name only. I've gotten fed up with self-professed friends that say they love me or view me as a sibling, but ultimately prove themselves to be bystanders when it's my turn to need someone to lean on and help me look after the garden.
Yes, there are absolutely friends you can have that can go years without hearing from you and still pick up where you left off when you do meet up again. They're awesome and worth keeping just as much as any other friends are.
There are also those friends that silently grieve your absence, that reach out to no avail, and wind up leaving the garden to die entirely after salting the soil with their own tears. Those are the friends that you've taken too much from without giving enough of yourself in return, and you've used them up and thrown them away without realizing you've treated someone that cared about you like a tool.
"I'm not the kind of friend that reaches out first."
That's your choice. No matter how you dress it up, when you decide it's time to neglect a friend, you're choosing to neglect them if they aren't prepared for what to expect from a friendship with you. You have the right to do that whenever you want to, but you cannot expect a warm reception with every person you do it to every time you do it. You cannot anticipate full amnesty in advance without full disclosure in advance.
If you're currently thinking of someone you've left sitting on read for a long time right now? It might be time to break your pattern and reach out for once.
Fall together, not apart.
#friendship#relationships#social media#dysfunctional relationships#words from an unlovable person#fake friends#rant#long post#don't send me contrived motivational dms#they do not help me and just make me angrier about how alone i am#basic kindness and companionship are too much to ask for. i've learned that the hard way#it's too late for me#so go reach out to the people you have before they're gone#i'm already consigned to isolation and loneliness#i've tried changing myself in every way i can possibly manage to keep the love and approval of the people i cared for most#they left me anyway. even family.#i am not a lovable person#and if anyone is reading these notes no. you are not the exception.#you cannot love me. it isn't possible. nobody can#i've fought for my entire life in the name of protecting the people i love#and i'm still alone#don't waste the effort on me#i've tried too hard for too long to make friends and find a community#those aren't things that i'm allowed to have#so i don't try anymore#nobody wants me#nobody ever did#the first words i ever heard as a baby that i can remember were “i hate you” from my sister#there ARE people in this world that die alone and miserable#i am going to end up one of them
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a large amount of time I've been spending on -untitled undefined scope original fiction project- since the last time I posted about it has been trying to develop the protagonist concept I came up with last summer or whatever into like, a character that would feel real and era appropriate.
it's fun research to do. naturally a lot of the details I assigned to her are things that I already think are cool, so it's been a lot of fun trying to trace her traits back through the relatively recent past, getting reminded of how much things have changed, or where the gaps in my intuition are, and then doing a flurry of reading to get a sense for exactly how someone like her and the people around her could have happened and what her life was probably like leading up to her present day. hopefully this results in some good good verisimilitude.
#I wrote a short story from her perspective over the holidays and then didn't know how to continue it#and then I got distracted by real life stuff for a few months#I forget if I posted about that#and then I've been picking through archive dot org for the last few weeks looking at this stuff#the last big rabbit hole was trying to get a better feel for era appropriate ts/tv subculture#the current one I'm looking at is how she would've gotten into language learning and how that would've worked#nettle has been prodding me about the setting thing lately so I've been thinking about that more too#probably the biggest hurdle by far is figuring out how I want to play that#and how I want the thing to be divided up#since the original coc scenario I'm developing this out of is centered on a flight from LA to honolulu#and the airport dungeon was definitely meant to be a hook for a larger campaign#some amount of it is going to cover protag lady's failed life in LA and some of it is going to be worse things happening in hawaii#but it's like. how much do I want to balance it one way or the other#and realistically how much does the aesthetics of 20th century air travel add to the story#besides me personally thinking it's compelling ofc#a lot of what I find compelling about hawaii is that it's an east/west cultural crossroads and realistically that's also true of socal#and I can wax poetic about socal as much as I want without worrying all that much about mishandling something#and there's also a lot of socal specific history along similar parallels to pull from that I'm more familiar with#I guess it comes down to whether curiosity re: 'doing it right' is enough of a motivator to do the increased amount of research#which I guess it has so far with the above character details. so hopefully that will continue#but it also feels like using machine translation a bit yknow. it's hard to know how effectively I'll be able to sanity check#although depending on where this goes I might be able to get other people involved to sensitivity read down the line#with most of the creative things I do I just have a tendency to always rely really heavily on figuring things out myself#I also want protag lady to have a Cool Car and idk how to get that from point a to point b narratively#this is like an entire second or third post's worth of tags but I don't feel like unfucking this so whatever. suffer. I guess.
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I'm at a point where I would absolutely love to Create Something and I have plenty of ideas but I am lacking entirely in motivation so I just play video games and feel like a loser when I go to bed
#why is this image so wide hrnsjzbfb#im honestly being dramatic. mostly. but yeah man i gotta get on that shit 😭😭😭😭#I HAVE IDEAS BUT IVE BEEN FINDING DRAWING RLY HARD AS OF LATE...#i definitely wanna practice more tho!!!! waa 🥺#the au asks were honestly supposed to be motivation to draw.... i will still do them i swear!!! and hopefully soon 😭😭😭#but yeah im sure yall know this mood im sure its big time relatable. right#ruby rambles
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What better workout for my arms than working this beast of a thread right here 🥵
#i wonder#crochet#my right bicep is surely working - this ribbon is quite hard to use#not particularly elastic - which in a way it's good for a bag#but especially with this point i'm struggling a bit#i'm not even sure i'll have enough ribbon to finish this bag but whatever#i'll find a way somehow - i just need to get my mind off things#this summer learning crochet has been a blessing#i tried years ago and didn't succeed so i set it aside#it always bothered me a bit not being able to do it#then i found motivation to try again few months ago and finally something clicked#and i managed to create my first bags and berets#which are far from perfect but i am still rather proud of them#and moreover it's an activity that can relax me a bit and good to keep things off my mind for a little while#even if in this case i'm not much of a fan of ribbons lol#i believe it's a pretty popular thread to use lately for bags do i wanted to try it#but i'm not very enthusiastic about it - i prefer working with other threads and yarns#not that i know many already but among the few i've worked with this isn't my favourite
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:/
#im having a hard time with art lately#idk if im just depressed or what#its hard to find the motivation to create anything and when i do im not happy with it#art
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How are you doing today?
"My, I am doing rather fine lately ! A fair amount of beings and viewers have been in need of comfort that I am more than happy to provide, but otherwise it has been pretty calm in my domaine; for some reasons things seemed to have settled down... Although I did hear that the Archives have become busier lately. I am glad, to be honnest."
*Keeper pauses, thinking*
"I think things might be 'moving' soon. If my experience is anything to learn from, great periods of calm always end with something big happening."
#welcome home au#welcome home#whmultiverse#keeper poppy au#multiverse mom#ask peacekeeper poppy#ask blog#poppy partridge#welcomehome#poppy welcome home#Keeper wisdom moment ?#it's not really lore related#more about how she feels about the current moment#of course times are very rocky lately with all that's happening in the world (and fandom in a smaller case)#but it's hard to translated it that much in the story nor is it really necessary too#i am a bit tired lately and struggle to find motivation to draw Keeper ( Stitcher is fine cause she's easier to draw)#but I still want Keeper's space and blog to feel like a safe space for people's mind if that makes sense#ramble in tags#don't mind me and my thoughts haha#i hope your day is going great too
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tbh I'm scared to go to college, the things I want to study take a v long time and intensive work that you Have to be v good at to get into the field lest u mess something up. I'm scared I'm gonna get frustrated or discouraged once and decide to give up cuz I have such a bad habit of that that I'm trying so hard to overcome.
I'm like fighting my brain on the daily to understand that taking a long time and having to put in a lot of effort to learn something isn't a bad thing even if it's hard to do especially since it's something I've wanted to study all my life. It's just tough when I have this constant nagging feeling in my brain about "you're too stupid and you always have been especially when it comes to school" but I'm so sick of thinking like that!!
My brain has kept me in this prison of feeling stupid so I don't do new things which also makes me feel stupid it sucks. I wanna try new things and commit to learning even when it gets tough! I really don't really to give up !! But I'm so scared I will !
#I'm so scared of college bruh it doesn't help that I finally graduated a few days ago even though I'm like 21#i feel so stupid for graduating late and having bad grades throughout my whole schooling life it's v discouraging#I'm just hoping i do ok and find people with the same interests that keep me excited and motivated to do well#and i hope i don't kick myself down or feel too bad when I do mess up or have a hard time cuz it will happen eventually#osteology#sorry for the big paragraphs everyone also#I'm lucky i have a lot of emotional support in my life when it comes to going to college I'm just so scared I'm gonna get let everyone down#even though I'm dying to go to college I'm just so scaaaared esp cuz so many of my friends are close to finishing college i feel so behind
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Sunday Six
Tagged by @elphantasmo :)
This is definitely more than six lines, but here's an snippet from the still in-progress Chris Brookes fic.
Happy birthday, darling. Drinks on me when I get back x
She’d been overthinking it all day. But rather than mention it to Torrance, she just continued searching her clothes with a muttered, “Maybe.”
“Oh, what about that?” Torrance abruptly pointed out a black satin bustier-style crop top with silver chain straps. “I don’t know Chris that well, but I know enough to know he’d like that.”
#it's been hard finding the motivation to write lately so this has really slowed down :(#but hopefully it'll be done soon
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What makes a villain a villain for you? Idk very broad question no wrong answers to it
I tend to conflate "villain" and "antagonist" - or at least antagonistic, if they're a main character like Charm is haha - someone who impedes others, who seeks to do harm, who is in some way uncontrollable and therefore dangerous. I also tend to like villains that have someone or something to rage against, very Megamind haha - "If there's bad, good will rise up against it."
Villains can be as complex or simplistic as you like, which is very fun! Some villains like to be evil for funsies! Some are tortured! Some don't realize that what they're doing is harmful! Yves is great example of a BBEG who has only good intentions imo (and coincidentally, is also modeled after my own ADHD lol, I have something of a soft spot for dysregulated villains haha)
One of my favourite aspects of the True Villainy AU, and kind of Just Desserts S2 as a whole, is how different types of villains look and move in that world - Charm was seduced by thoughts of revenge that stemmed from loneliness and bitterness, where Kaiein is a manipulative asshole who gets his kicks from causing chaos from the sidelines. Their motivations are very different, but they both do harm, and are both stopped! Villains ✨
#Villains have a lot of wiggle room for what makes them villains I think :)#And there's certainly more shades of grey to explore than the fairly black-and-white villains that I tend to like lol#Charm is pretty black and white - she's a villain until she isn't#It's still hard for her because she ''learned'' all these maladjusted behaviours to get through her life but she keeps trying!#Kaiein is very black and white - literally lol - he's a villain for funsies and has to be defeated rather than recovered#And Yves is quite black and white as well! He doesn't really consider the harm that he does until it's too late! And he still doesn't stop!#I think just about any antagonist Can be a villain depending on the framing - including those trying to stop my villains here#The JD Residents are villains for causing Charm mental anguish - that's why she seeks revenge in the first place!#And again they're the villains for taking away Kaiein's fun toy - you can tell I have little sympathy for him lol#The AGE crew are villains for trying to stop Yves from resurrecting his God and recreating the spiritual Cambrian explosion!#I think what makes a villain a villain is the harm they're willing to cause on the way to their goal#Anyone properly motivated can be twisted into the shape of a villain - what lengths are they willing to go to? Who are they willing to hurt#It's about finding the Hubristic Downfall and digging from there#Villains Are their characters flaws <3#I feel like I've mentioned it somewhere but I view Charm specifically as being endearingly flawed like a cat lol#Cats can have so many characters flaws that we would find unacceptable in humans but are charming - haha - in a cat#Charm is my self-love by way of cat-ifying my own character flaws <3 It's why I like villainsonas so much!!#They're little guys! Evil little guys <3 I think it's great :D#Just Desserts#Villainsona#AGE#Yves
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Do you do commissions? I love your art! :3c
i do! just not at the moment as i havent been drawing as much in general, ive struggled with owed art recently bc of irl stuff and mental stuff sadly :[ so im focusing on drawing designs and for myself for now! i will probably announce it when i open comms again :3
#findings#i do love to do comms i love to draw for others but#i dont know why its been so hard lately ive had no motivation for it#hopefully i can work thru it soon
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CLOUD WITH THE SICK UNDERCUT >:-]
#SO SORRY THAT IM NOT FEEDING YOU GUYS WITH MY ART LATELY </333#ITS JUST SO HARD TO FIND MOTIVATION THESE DAYS ESP HOW STRESSED THE EFF OUT I AM WITH SCHOOL#GOD ESP SCIENCE#SO I HOPE A CLOUD DRAWING WOULD HELP A LIL :-]#art#artwork#doodles#digital art#my art#oc art#artworks
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i fear i’m going to stop writing 🫤
#[ — stfu sol ! ]#& NOT bc i want to but bc i’m literally so busy until probably late january…#like i know i’m not as passionate about writing as i was this time last year but i still really love my hobby.#and i do have so many ideas that i’m itching to create but the timing of my motivation and my job never align so i’m finding it hard to sit#down and write like i want to :(
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