#mostly cuz the whole thing is like. use your imagination be open to the world around you find truth in everything

[essektheylyss]

this is part of a two-page spread by Rikki Ducornet and I am literally ready to print it out and frame it on my wall

[pyrodolls]

superfan! yandere oc x popstar! reader (yandere alphabet)

warnings: a little nsfw, mentions of murder and violence, kidnapping, breaking and entering, stalking, depression, masochistic yandere, kinda worshipper yandere, some mentions of "offing" himself, mentions of death and starvation, established relationship, lowercase intended, not proofread, reader is gender neutral, i do not condone yanderes irl.

a/n: i was gonna do a request but uhhh i felt lazy. i'll make an alphabet for victor next cuz i feel bad for not writing him. plus i'm gonna try to make a masterlist soon so yippee! (also i apologize to all my non-yandere-enjoying followers that like my mortal kombat works, i'll get back to those someday. i just look back on my old works and cringe. i really dislike all my stuff from 2023.)

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

bayani loves you with all his heart. he is often overbearing and obsessive, treating you like you're the only thing that matters. he is always fussing over you and making sure you're okay. he constantly asks you how your day has been, if you've eaten yet, if there's anything he can do for you, etc. he is your little servant. please make him feel useful. please let him help you. his only purpose is to entertain and satisfy you in any way he can. whether you want him to cuddle and kiss you often, or you want him to cook and clean for you, whatever you want. he doesn't have a particular love language. even if he did, he would change it to cater to your taste.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

bayani believes violence is not the answer. he does not want to hurt anyone. but if it's for your safety, or if you order him to hurt or even kill someone, he would reluctantly do it. as much as he denounces violence, he cannot find it in his heart to disobey you. even if it is someone he knows, he'll do it for you. because if you think they should be dead, then you must be correct. bayani believes you can do no wrong, so he must act on your orders.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

bayani would not abduct you. he would never do anything that would hurt your feelings. as much as he gets off on being physically tortured and verbally berated by you, he cannot imagine a world where you dislike him or hate him in any way. he would never kidnap you. besides, even if he wanted to kidnap you, his apartment is too shitty to keep you there, and he wants you to live a life of luxury.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

bayani would absolutely not do anything against your will. he is nothing but your servant, and your fan. he does anything you want him to. he could never go against your will.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

bayani is yours. he has put his whole heart out for you ever since he first saw you. from being your biggest fan, to stalker, to boyfriend. since day one he has been (mostly) open and vulnerable.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

bayani would absolutely be turned on by your rage. kick him, spit on him, etc... the bulge in his pants would just grow harder and harder. however, as much as he enjoys being used as your personal punching bag, he doesn't want you to hate him. if you hated him, he might as well throw himself off a cliff. why should he live if you don't accept him? if he's not enough for you? he dedicated his life to following everything you did as a popstar, to dating you and doing everything you asked him to. so if you ended up hating him after everything he did for you, he wouldn't know what to do with himself.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

it is not a game to bayani, not one bit. i can't see him kidnapping you at all, but if he did it would probably be for your safety. he would hate to see you so sad and desperate to leave. he'd try to give you whatever food or gifts you ask for, to distract you from trying to escape. it's for your own good, please don't cry and scream at him.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

as much as bayani respects you, he often forgets your boundaries. he would break into your bedroom and watch you sleep, steal your clothes, or watch you while you shower. no matter how many times you try to tell him you're uncomfortable with his behavior and wish to have some alone time, he'd always claim that he would "respect you from now on" but the next day he'd go back to his perverted ways.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

bayani is hoping to get married and live happily ever after with you. he doesn't see himself having kids, he'd prefer to keep all his time and attention on you for the rest of his life. as much as he supports your career and music, a part of him hopes you retire early so you can give him more attention. but if you want to keep up your career for a few more decades, that's okay with him too. whatever makes you happy, makes him happy.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

bayani rarely gets jealous. but when he does, it's concerning. when he sees you hug or compliment a fan, he understands it's not romantic. he doesn't really care about it at all. however, if he sees a fellow popstar being a little too close to you or flirting with you, he immediately worries about himself. what if you leave him? he isn't attractive, or talented, or rich. you could easily leave him for a fellow popstar. bayani wouldn't blame you at all, or the popstar flirting with you. he only ends up looking in the mirror and picking himself apart for hours, wondering why you decided to date him. after that, he ends up being even more clingy than he was. he is basically glued to your hip, and doing everything you ask of him. he compliments you more and tries to make himself seem more energetic and loving. he even looks up ways to make himself more desirable to you, and trying out obscure skin care routines and putting lifts in his shoes. he tries to make himself better for you so you wouldn't leave him.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

bayani's basically a dog at your beck and call. he sits near you with hearts in his eyes, ready to tend to your needs. he usually talks to you nonstop, yapping about something he saw on the internet you might like or a bug he saw on the sidewalk. of course he'd stop if you ask him to, but he's just so nervous around you! even after you start dating and he's no longer just a superfan, his little crush on you never fades away. he covers up his anxieties by talking about anything and everything. if you were to engage in his little yapping sessions, or even laugh at his jokes or agree with his opinions, he'd get extremely flustered and shy. he'd try his best to hide it, but his tomato red face would give it away.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

bayani wouldn't even try to ask you out. he thinks of himself as nothing but a broke, ugly, stalker guy in love with you and your career. he thinks you're way out of his league. you would have to be the one to notice him and strike up a conversation. even then, he'd evaporate the moment you lay your eyes on him. but the more you notice him at your shows and interact with him, you'd become friends and then you'd have to be the one to confess to him.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

bayani's true colors aren't too different from how he acts with others. he's truly a perverted, shy, stalker. his whole life, even in childhood, he was always shy and never really talked to anyone. he didn't have any friends, wasn't in any clubs and didn't go to a church of any sort, so he was always alone. of course, nobody knows he's a perverted stalker, but it's easy to tell he doesn't speak to anyone but you.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

bayani would never punish you. he thinks you can do no wrong. whether you simply lashed out at someone, or committed a crime, he would always be on your side. even if you were to lash out at him, he'd accept it. he would never blame you, only himself.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

bayani would never harm you in any way because of how much he loves and worships you. he'd never take anything away from you.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

bayani would do anything for you, so of course he'd be very patient with you.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

bayani would not be able to live without you. if you left him, he would understand, but be heartbroken. but if you died, he would immediately lock himself in his apartment and refuse to eat or drink anything, and soon succumb to his own death. a life without you is a life he cannot live.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

bayani, again, would not kidnap you. if he did, i can imagine he would feel severely guilty about it. he hates seeing you in pain. if you're in pain, so is he. he would let you go as soon as he knows it's safe for you. hell, he'd want you to be free more than you do.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

like i mentioned before, bayani had a very lonely childhood. his parents weren't present, he had no friends or siblings, so he was left all alone. even when he graduated highschool and was left to live alone with a shitty job, he was still antisocial and had quite a dull life for a few years. that's how he discovered you. he never knew what it was like to love or be loved until he saw you and heard your music for the first time. your performances were a safe place to him. your lyrics were like a warm hug to him. you saved him from his miserable life. he started dedicating his life to you since you were the first person he truly cared about.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

bayani hates to see you in pain. he wishes he could take it all away for you. that's why he's so attentive to your needs, in hopes that he'll never have to see you cry or hear your screams in pain.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

unlike the classic, stereotypical yandere, bayani does not want to inflict harm on anyone unless he has to, and he's a lot clumsier than a usual yandere. he does not want to kill or hurt anyone, but if you really wanted him to, he would. but there's no guarantee that it'll go well, considering how clumsy he is. but he's trying, for you!

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

bayani is a worshipper, through and through. you want to leave him? just tell him. he'd be heartbroken, and probably beg you not to leave him, but ultimately he wants you to be happy. however, if he ever kidnapped you, you could escape by distracting him. you could point somewhere in the distance and go "look over there!" and he'd look for a couple seconds, then look back at you- and aw shucks you already ran away

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

bayani. would. never. even. dream. of. hurting. you.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

bayani would literally commit war crimes for you if you asked him to. there is nothing he wouldn't do for you. he sees you as a hero that saved him, so he believes he should return the favor by doing anything for you. anything to keep you happy.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

after being your biggest fan and stalker for years, bayani is content with staying that way for the rest of his life. of course he would love to be yours, but he would be happy with simply watching you from afar for as long as he shall live. he would never snap.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

depends on your sanity, and how much you like bayani. if you're okay with his clingy, clumsy, yapping self for the rest of your life, then you'll be fine. but if you'd get sick of never having a lot of alone time, or having a guy that is attached to your hip... then maybe you'd break and he would be incredibly guilty. he would try to apologize by being even closer to you, which would make you feel worse. unless you end things with him, you're stuck forever.

template here

[galaxy-forest-productions]

Devlog 20/08/2024 - Travel game idea that will probably change with time but I felt like sharing cuz it's 10 p.m. and I'm not sleepy yet

Since I'm traveling now and dropping zines as I go I've been inspired to create eventually a traveling themed TTRPG. I'll take my experiences during this train trip in europe as inspiration and learning material for this future game.

The idea I have is for a large project I call fantasy tourist, a game about traveling in a fantasy world. The base mechanics are simple. You have a buget for each town, you can stay for as long as you have money. I also wanted to add the fantasy adventure element of being allowed to take small jobs to increase your budget and stay in a town you liked for longer.

The reason this would be a large project, is that I wanted to properly write town guides. I wanted this to be a little bit more guided than my usual solo rpgs. Yes, imagining yourself is part of the fun, but I want this to feel like a choose your own adventure book in a way. I want you to feel like these places exist already and you're exploring them.

In my ideal version of this game each town guide would have:

Budget – depending on your character and other factors the budget you have on each town may change. I'll also add a dice roll for a little bit of fun randomness.

Overall description – this is just a description of the town you’re in and what is known for.

Attraction guide – this is the list of things you can do and see in this town. Some attractions also come with guided tours, if that’s the case it means you’ll get a detailed explanation of the inside and little details of each work of art etc… Most will be a rough information guide, when it's open, how long does it take to explore this attraction and how much it costs.

Events - some towns will have seasonal events and I like the idea of the game following a calendar, so you'll know when you're in each place and even plan for certain's town's events that you really wanna see. You can even choose to travel for a whole year and plan all the events accordingly.

Theme parks – if a town happens to have a theme park that attraction will include multiple small attractions inside. The rides, the places and such will all be described. I might even include a park map just for the funsies.

Restaurant guide – this is a guide of places you can eat at in this town and the prices too. I will include tiny menus for each restaurant just because I think it would be cute and add to the worldbuilding. Like each page could be a menu of that restaurant.

Available missions and when – missions are a way to make more money. Each mission will sacrifice time. Sometimes a few hours, and sometimes a whole ass day. You will be provided with money for completion. Some missions also can only be completed during specific days and some can be repeated.

Hotel guide – a guide with the hotels you can stay in. Some of them include breakfast, some are hostels which means you’ll share with others. Honestly these are mostly for flavor, paying for a better hotel won’t affect your gameplay much, except for the included breakfast, meaning one less meal.

Townspeople – some relevant citizens may be mentioned in this section. This will be most prominent in small towns where everyone knows everyone. In big cities there will be less of these since there isn't that local people feel.

I also wanted to make some other little guides that would be used all the time:

Traveler guides – this is the booklet with all the other travelers you meet. You might once in a while meet other adventurers. If you meet them frequently enough you might become friends. If you are friends with another traveler you might even agree to share a room with them to save on money, or even go to attractions together. I also might make the hotels relevant by having some of these characters be easier to find in certain hotels. Maybe one is always trying to save and staying in hostels, maybe another is a rich girl that will always take a 5 star hotel so meeting her requires you stay in a top quality place and so on.

Friend guide – Sometimes you'll have friends in other towns. If your character has a friend in that town they can ask to stay there for free for a little while. Each friend has their own limit of how long they will let you crash there before they get angry. I think which friends you have in each town should be picked in character creation.

And that's the ideas I have so far. Making each of those town guides will be hell, but I feel like it would be a super fun worldbuilding project. I also think it would be a cool base to then have other versions with different flavor. I'm not even sure what kind of flavor I want for this one when it comes to the fantasy aspect. It may be the classic medieval fantasy, or should I go more urban fantasy, reflecting how we travel today with phones and all that but with fantasy creatures and magic existing? There are tons of options.

[lieutenant-amuel]

Inspired by our convo but are there any Crazy EXGF songs that remind you of Avatar: Last Airbender characters? Or if its tough cuz those songs are so hilariously inappropriate and atla is more serious, how do you think the Avatar characters would interact with Eoa characters and maybe your ocs?

Yayyy, thank you for the ask! I’ll try to answer both of these questions.

CEG Songs and ATLA Characters:

I’m The Villain In My Own Story - Katara, because it’s me with blood bending again, yeah

After Everything I’ve Done For You (That You Didn’t Ask For) - Azula, I don’t know it just reminds me of that last scene between her and Ozai XD

You Go First - Katara and Toph in the Runaway XD

Get Your Ass Out Of My House - Ozai to Zuko

I Hate Everything But You - Zuko to Mai

Man Nap - Aang sort of? When the guys tried to put him to sleep before the battle with the Fire Nation

Face Your Fears - Iroh to Zuko

What’ll It Be - Zuko

You Stupid Bitch - also Zuko, I think?

Dream Ghost - the previous avatars to Aang XD

Friendtopia - the Gaang? (oh, or Azula, Mai, and Ty Lee)

Remember That We Suffered - Hama to Katara

This Session Is Gonna Be Different - Iroh to Zuko, specifically in season 2 when Iroh opened the tea shop (not “session” obviously but I think it fits them in the sense that Iroh hopes Zuko will finally find the right way)

And I’m A Good Person, of course, for redeemed Azula as you said XD

Those are the only ones I can think about now, but I’d love to hear your ideas if you have any 👀

The ATLA & EoA Characters:

Alright, this question is harder actually XD

The first thing I’ll say is that Gabe and Sokka are 100% besties, I want my boys to be friends. To be more serious, though, they do have some things in common, so I think they’d actually get along, not because I’m biased :’) They’re both warriors who want to protect their loved ones and prove their worth, so they’ll find the common ground for sure.

I think Mateo and Aang would have an interesting dynamic, too, given the fact all wizards have been banished from Avalor during Shuriki’s reign and Mateo was basically the only wizard in his kingdom, plus he’s self-taught, whereas Aang is the last airbender (just imagine Mateo going to the astral to communicate with the Maruvian wizards like Aang can communicate with the avatars (well, Mateo can summon spirit guides from the spirit world, but okay, this is not really the same thing))

Zuko and Esteban are quite similar, but I don’t think they’d get along very well, rather be annoyed with each other, because they’ve both got a temper XD But Francisco and Iroh would definitely become friends, I tell you.

I still haven’t said anything about Elena, but I think she’d have a nice relationship with Katara, given how caring and people-oriented they both are. Plus, Katara is a self-taught waterbender, whereas Elena gets a hang of using her scepter (mostly in season 1, but yeah) and they both have forgiveness issues akjsndkfk

The ATLA Characters & My OCs :3 (thank you for putting them in your ask <3)

I can write the whole novel about Valerio now XD At first, Valerio would get along with Iroh. Both are wise, understanding, supportive and Valerio loves tea. But once he meets his nephew, he realizes that he sees himself in Zuko in many ways and wants to guide him in the right direction, which also helps him to look at his own path from a different perspective.

Valerio is interesting (pfffffft) because on the surface he does seem like a grounded person (in the sense he seems to have everything under control and not really have any personal life problems), but he’s damaged deep inside and has many unresolved issues that gnaw at him and don’t let him live the life the way he’d like to, so I think he would make a good company for Iroh and Zuko.

As for my other characters, Frida would get along with Katara for sure and Ángel with Sokka and surprisingly Ty Lee (after “redemption”) because they’re actually quite similar.

Matías also needs a friend but I can’t think of anyone aljsndkfk

I’ll stop here, but if I get more ideas, I’ll share them with you! And again, I’m really excited to know whether you got anything 👀

Thank you again!

[kyoryu]

My big problem with the ending is that the story had the characters like. At least a few times discuss how they could totally still be friends even after the adventure was over. And like, I understand there’s a metaphor going on about how your life changes and you don’t stay as close to people as you think you might, but like… it kinda comes in out of nowhere in the last two or three episodes. And on top of that, Anne losing Sprig ENTIRELY and then the dialogue implying she, Sasha and Marcy all drifted apart until that reunion just felt overly sad. Puts a lot more ‘bitter’ than sweet in that bittersweet ending than they meant to, I think.

this is gonna be a long answer so sit tight lol.

disclaimer: I LOVE AMPHIBIA OK? my criticism means i care and i am passionate!! maybe too much, but hey, who's doing the math am i right.

ok i absolutely agree with EVERYTHING u say. i think everyone who disliked the ending is in the same page tbh, we all agree on the same stuff.

what u said about mostly bitter than sweet is EXACTLY what i keep saying. like...i do not see the sweet ANYWHERE in that ending. the "sweet" is the girls finally making it home, yet we dont get to see that. we dont even see anne hugging her parents again or anything, and dont get me started on the marcy and sasha's parents thing (ok i will briefly: refusing to give us anything about them just cuz "you wanna leave it up to interpretation" is bullshit. ur writing a story. commit. not showing us sasha and marcy's home lives and families means youre not showing us ANY signs of us rooting for them to go back home, we aren't attached to the idea of it as opposed to sasha's bond with grime and marcy's love for amphibia. it is lousy)

like, people keep telling me im missing the point of an ending that was obvious since episode one and i just disagree so much. where in the world of episode 1 did we see that anne was going to fight the moon, die, meet god and be offered to become god? what the fuck. i keep saying this ending could only work if the stakes weren't so high and the girls didn't spend as much time in amphibia. for anne to separate from the plantars permanently just because "people in life come and go and it hurts but oh well thats life" is so... devastating. like, imagine not being able to see or talk to your family EVER again. because hey thats what lifes like.

"but vinnie they'll obviously see each other again!!!" if u keep saying this, then u just disliked the ending as much as i did and ur in denial lmao. we can make all the hcs we want, they can add all the fix-it they want to marcy's journal (context: matt braly implied marcy's journal could include terri and mr x giving the girls "a surprise" in the timeskip) but yknow the damage is done. the ending is there and it tells you that the plantars and anne say goodbye forever and thats how it is. at least accept it.

"its been set up since ep 1" i completely disagree. season 1 in its entirety is about anne learning to love wartwood. sure it makes sense if u just watch ep 1 because anne is desperate to get home but um, the point is that anne comes to love wartwood and its people and becomes a part of the plantar family. how is that ending an ep1 set up? well, wheres the WHOLE SHOW set up? it makes no sense.

and even for the trio, i understand the growing apart thing but man, after what they went through wouldnt they be bonded for life, having been the only ones to have ever experienced this same trauma, and be closer than ever? especially with the portal permanently gone. id totally be behind it if the portal was open, cuz anne sasha and marcy choose their new amphibian friends over each other to spend time with and eventually come together again as teens, but still close all together bc i cant stress it enough. you dont just grow apart from someone u fought the moon with.

amphibia was already their time apart yknow. again, if the stakes were lower id get it and it'd work. but u cannot have these 3 go through all they did and then try to apply a Down To Earth realistic ending. i dont get it.

like, ur telling me marcy had to move away and she did it happily after being stabbed, comatosed, posessed, etc? sasha and anne stop talking in hs after anne had held onto sasha's arm for dear life before she lets go to her possible death, after they both leaded a fucking army together for a WAR AT 13 YEARS OLD? they just...move on? with a smile? sure it works if you say it does. but if you look it from a writing perspective its just weird, incomplete, lousy. no drama.

everything happens and we dont talk about it. everyone's just freaking happy ig.

i could excuse the sashannarcy separation though but that along with the goodbye forever to amphibia are TERRIBLE combinations. like sasha anne and marcy close this book and open a new one, and how on earth are they even able to do that after everything they we through???

sure im happy theyre happy. it could be that simple. but to me its not. to me this ending ruins the entire show lmao. if u were gonna go for this ending then dont write such an epic story bro lol.

and for the "YOU JUST WANT A STVFOE ENDING/WHAT, IS ANNE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE HER PARENTS EVER AGAIN?" gang: shut up dingus. no one talked about mixing both worlds or keep anne just in amphibia. thatd be just as bad. they should just have a way to access amphibia whenever they wanted, they met GOD. they literally had any excuse to make this work.

"but thatd be unrealistic" oh so sorry if i dont mind the story about 3 humans landing in a world of frog people, getting superpowers, leading an army, fighting a war, fighting an evil king and posession and the moon, doesn't have a completely realistic ending

"it would be too good to be true" so u agree. u agree the ending wasnt good.

what i would've done to make this ending Work, i would've added 3 simple things.

1. anne is a whole lot more broken up over saying goodbye to amphibia forever. shes not that calm about it. she's upset and thinks its unfair.

2. we get to see anne reunite with her parents back home

3. in the 10 year timeskip, we get an open ended situation with the trio opening a portal and its up to interpretation if this is the first time theyve done it or not.

thats it. i still wouldnt be a fan, i think anne deserves to grow up being able to see her family, but i think if they wanted that ending that badly they shouldve at least added those things. idk.

BASICALLY: i get what they were trying to do. it just does not work with the kind of epic high stakes story they've decided to write.

[greysfall]

My 4444-word review of NEO TWEWY (with personal illustration + heavy spoilers)

My overall critical score for the game is 7.5/10, while my personal enjoyment score is 8.5/10. This review is posted as I have 80% completed the game, got the secret ending and achieved the Angel psychic rank. I’ll first start with the main pros and cons as follows.

PROS:

-        Enjoyable as a whole, still upholding the first game’s spirit in world building and sharing the same backbone - which was mostly revealed in the Secret Reports, it’s impossible to grasp the story without reading them.

-        The new cast and new game is charming in their own way

-        The old cast’s return is one of the biggest highlights for sure, it was fun and impactful. Everyone stays true to themselves and also had their own stories wrapped up nicely.

-        Boss designs are cool, new pins are fun to use and collect

-        The connection between the old and new cast is well written and executed, including but are not limited to the tension between the old and new protagonist, the weird but fun interaction between the 2 Composers, the new friendships revealed and formed

-        Sho being in the main cast is something so uniquely TWEWY and uniquely Sho

-        Still good music

-        Still many fun side quests, some of them really uphold the same quirky spirit of the old game and some are surprisingly touching

-        Many new nice stores and yummy looking foods to explore

-        The map is really easy to memorize for me, it’s fun to travel around the “current” Shibuya to see all the differences compared to the past

-        The social network is crazy and interesting to read through

-        Has an anti-frustration system to help 100% complete the game more easily and earn money faster, so post-game is relatively managable.

-        Overall, I really feel the efforts the team poured into making this as their passion project, not just during the development process but for all the last 14 years. They showed the vision of what they wanted to make, at the same time giving something to both the old as well as new fans.

CONS:

-        The biggest problem with the game is scenario writing. The story is so heavily back-loaded. The director himself thought it would be better to balance out the tension flow by adding more at the beginning but gave in to the scenario writer in the end, probably due to time pressure. This results in an underwhelming execution of characterization and lots of wasted potentials for the first half of the game.  

-        I struggle to view it as a stand-alone game, since the backstory and the old cast both play such an important role in the core of the game. If someone plays this game without having played the OG, they can only enjoy it on surface value at best.

-        The new cast is nice but most of them aren’t quite as intriguing as the old cast, maybe it’s cuz they’re all too nice deep down that they lack a little bit of an edge, of that batshit craziness that everyone in the OG used to have? I think some characters (Fret, Nagi) ended up weaker in terms of characterization because the writer is too afraid of making them unlikeable – which kind of backlashed cuz they only became likable in the most expectable way to cater for a specific group of fans. I would have wished for the other team leaders to be more crazy too, had they not suffered 30+ loops of the Game…

-        The CAMERAWORK IS HELL.

-        Gameplay does get tedious at certain points with all the time travels.

-        Shiba is so badly written as a villain, some Shinjuku characters should be given more screentime cutting into Shiba’s– like Hishima or Kaie or even, Hazuki (though his limited presence also solidified his importance).

-        Some of the main character designs, for example Beat’s hairstyle and his food reactions are hilariously bad. What’s the point of covering up most of his unique facial features?

-        Some of the minor/side characters’ design are too cool for them to have such a small role (eg: Ayano, Eiru). Ryoji did get much screentime but is nowhere as fun as Makoto was.

-        Overall the scope of this game is made a little too big for the team to handle as perfectly as the last game that was very compact, it felt somewhat rushed in development too so the missing pieces are clearly there in the final picture

The entry fee versus paying for it all in the end

An important difference between the Neo game and the original Shibuya game was that the Shibuya rule asked for an entry fee that is the Player’s most important asset, stated as a chance the Composer gives them to reexamine themselves. Meanwhile, the Shinjuku rule neither encourages nor allows personal growth and ultimately aims to erase as many Players as possible. It’s a pity we were never introduced to the full Shinjuku rulebook, as it seems like the system there focuses more on building up power and a grand government to compare with the individuality-driven system of Shibuya.

When you have to compare the new game and the original game (OG), this is an important factor to consider. Also, the OG has a serious storyline running through and through, locked with a different partner/GM creating unique atmosphere for each week and you don’t get to see your old partners again until the end. NEO’s team system does not allow such deep insight and communication between the Players. All of your teammates are always there throughout, the dynamic does change with each new addition but it is not as prominent as a partner change.

Another important factor is how the OG was built from scratch for a new platform as “something no one has ever seen before”, while Neo recycled a lot of old unused ideas from the previous development (check out this interview for more details). The development team for NEO lacks 2 key members and had a change of writer so the final product is not as strongly bound together as the last game.

The new cast is definitely inspired by today’s teenagers (from the view of creators), compared to the old cast they’re more sociable and always seem to take whatever works for them despite feeling unstable inside. They are all innocent and genuinely nice kids, avoiding to hurt each other to a degree that they end up keeping some sort of distance. They’re also unable to communicate at deeper levels, always stagnant at this half-baked stage of equilibrium without any motivation to get to the core of things. That is the cost of entering the game without an entry fee, without even dying or having a reason to be there/to fight seriously. These kids were stolen from the RG into a Game that was decidedly the worst environment for them to change or develop, just wandering around cluelessly to find a way “out” until tragedies started to unfold one by one and they ended up being charged the total sum of the price for their actions – ultimately losing everything in the end.

That is, I believe, a story arc which can resonate more to the youth of today rather than of my generation. If the message of the old game was to “listen”, enjoy life to the fullest and accept to trust others, the message of the new game is to “speak up” from the inside, trying to understand yourself and take actions instead of just going with the flow and finally, to take responsibility for such actions.

If Neku was handpicked by the Composer for being the special one with an all-dense soul to ensure victory of the game then Rindo was just a normal kid chosen out of random by Kubo to be his back-up plan, who just happened to have a high enough imagination to awaken the incredible power from his pin. Rindo was then officially chosen by the Composer as Josh picked up and handed the pin to him again, this time not as Josh’s personal Proxy – but as the Proxy to represent the normal people of Shibuya and via whom he could gamble if humans can fight for their own fate.

The underworld heroine and the hero with little of his own

Shoka is for me a refreshing and layered heroine. She’s the kind of character that took at least 3 trials of creators to form as a complete individual – that included Nomura who gave her the base design and Reaper background, Gen who gave a more cunning touch and the writers who made her English dialogues more punchy. Dishonesty equals “tsundere” is such a cliché, so the English writers tried really hard to avoid that trope in my opinion, while still letting her good intention come through.

She serves as the character who is informed of everything the players should have known, and there was almost nothing she could do about it. Almost. Until she met Rindo.

They were drawn to each other by sharing a state of “not having anything of their own”. They both started out with not being able to truly know themselves, Shoka even hated her RG life but also managed to mature from that stage before Rindo. She must have vibed with Shiki’s love and passion in the Gatto Nero threads, initiating her connection with Shibuya and understanding herself more. With Shoka as Swallow, they were able to open up to each other and offer mental support… but was still not getting to the centre of their problems because for all this time, Shoka could not tell Rindo the most important things about herself.

How did Shoka feel when she met Rindo at the UG? She probably didn’t want to hope that he would live the day until she witnessed the Twisters’ potentials. From the very beginning, they were both incredibly conscious of each other and also constantly frustrated that the person they happened to “notice” was such a condescending bitch/a clueless loser. The Shinjuku Reapers are overall quite drunk in power and uncompassionate to Players, Shoka included. She is also a master of dissociation, which results in her constant boredom, tone swings, haughtiness and subconsciously distancing herself from the friend – the boy she cares about – from false hope, as she judged from facts that it was a hopeless situation where nothing could ever be. Maybe she is naturally a bit of a chameleon just like her name suggests (Shoka 紫陽花 = hydrangea, the color-changing flower), so putting on an act and always dissociating herself from what’s important was easy, while hiding her contradiction was impossible. It was the ex-Reaper Beat who broke it out to her, that she should decide whether she really cared and wanted to do something for a change. He knew how it felt like to cross that line, and knew she wanted to too.  

Shoka is endeared by many of the Shinjuku Reapers and has shown independent acts of kindness (the Shinjuku ghost), proving that her kind and truthful side is as real as her harsh and dishonest side – which makes her a nice mirror to the previous heroine Shiki, who also embraced a dichotomy of self-complex and self-love within her character. In the end, she was the first of the new cast to ultimately accept all that is important to her and independently made the decision to help save Shibuya despite all costs.

She was jealous at Rindo’s interaction with Tsugumi and Kanon but remained silent cuz she wasn’t at a place to have any say about it. She also didn’t reveal about Swallow because that would only add an awkward irrelevance to their current situation, as she was too ready to face erasure at the end of the Game. She only wished to “play a game” with him, be it FanGo or the Reapers’ Game. The tension that the team could only feel at the end, she’s felt it the entire time. The song “DIVIDE” is applicable to not just one bond in the game, but it always makes me think of theirs. There is always a “divide” between her and Rindo throughout the course of their journey, as the living and the dead, as a Player and Reaper, as someone who has a place to return to and someone who doesn’t, someone who knows little but wields too much power and someone who knows a lot despite not being able to do much.

“If only I had the chance to connect with you on the other side

But time goes on, and without us realizing it

The battle is getting heated

Time goes on, and without us realiazing it

Divided again”

To be honest, maybe I didn’t grow any affection for the new main cast from Rindo’s perspective but from Shoka’s. Since I started to sympathize with Shoka, I started to see the boy in a more “real” way. The real Rindo, behind his peaceful façade with others, would lash out on Shoka for her unfairly harsh attitude while none of the others cared. He could also subtly feel that mantle of unspoken secrets from her, her own contradictions, the unresolved chemistry between themselves – and not knowing what to do with it rather than to feel angry with all the unfairness he could not process. (As a Libra too, he’s triggered the most by unfairness!)

It is actually a positive development as he’s at least “reacting” to something strongly now rather than to keep evading his problems. During my replay, I clearly saw the difficult situation Shoka was in, her remaining harshness after the Motoi incident was due to her internal struggle with a mission to save her own life, versus a chance to really be with the team. Her decision was to do both at the risk of losing favour from both sides. Rindo started to accept her layer by layer, as the person who resonated the most to her contradicting nature from the start and knew that via learning her resolve, he has learnt his too.

Later into the game, she even got too much of his attention. Maybe even without knowing she’s Swallow, he’s familiar with her thinking direction and Swallow had always been closer to him than any other friend. It was only after she had to betray her important ones twice that she could start being truly honest. The scene when she died a 2nd time left a strong impression in me, the little reveal let Rindo know that he is also losing Swallow as he’s losing Shoka – and that only death could drive the last secret out of her. Her final “Later, loser” echoed through Rindo as it was the final truth, with only him remaining to hear it: they had actually, already lost everything.

Rindo was the boy who never dared to face all that matters to him until he lost it all, fighting an unfair battle in the faith that they would somehow still win. Shoka was the girl who always knew what was dear to her, but never dared to think she could be together with them ever after and still threw her all into a battle she knew was losing. I think they stir each other on naturally to fill out their gaps, similar to what the Shibuya game partner systerm would have aimed for. The end reward was a little divine intervention to help close up the divide between them once and for all.  

During the game there was not enough space to process anything personal so at the ending when they officially became “friends”, it was an important affirmation of their bond. Some people complained it was friendzoning but it’s not, they just have arrived at the perfect place to start something more. “From now on, we will truly be together” – I read it as that kind of message.  

The heroine from a lost battle, with her story taken away

After reading the secret reports and playing the game to be surprised of how small a role Tsugumi had in the main game despite being the “Hype-chan” thought to be a major character of the next TWEWY installment, many fans would feel sad at a missed opportunity to see the Shinjuku arc in full depiction.

It was shown clearly that, a Shinjuku arc was very carefully planned out and is a vital part of the whole story, yet it could not be made due to various circumstances behind the development scene. I would assume, that the team were not able to make a TWEWY game that ended on a despairing note, but it already happened in their mind, thus becoming a mental burden that forced them to break away from it and started the game anew with NEO. A significant part of NEO became the healing arc for the Shinjuku characters, especially for Tsugumi though I really wished more emphasis should have been placed on her rather than Shiba. We didn’t even get to see her brother – Shinjuku’s Conductor who had a vital role and instead was given the clueless Shiba, who had absolutely no idea what’s going on all the way until the last day in NEO. It’s as if Tsugumi has had her story stolen away from her, because her own battle ended with a saddening loss.

I think every time the game creators look at Tsugumi, they would feel that sadness too. Maybe to them, she is a bigger character than what is seen by the fans, as despite their failed effort to depict her story, she’s lived in their mind for all these years through periods of destruction, healing and rebuild.  Though it is a pity we could not get to experience the full scope of the Shinjuku story, the creators was clear about the place they wished for it to arrive at.    

Individuality, connection and the social network

The team system adapted from Shinjuku rulebook does not allow much room for personal development, as the team dynamic is closer to a work relationship forced to bear results, than a spiritual bond to max out all corners of understanding as found in the partnership system. The old Shibuya system allowed only 1 winner and 1 week limit per game, while the new rule declares for a 1 winning team and only the team at last place will be erased – the other teams will enter another loop. Furthermore, whichever team to challenge the unwinnable Ruinbringers will face the risk of ending up dead last followed by erasure. As a result, the longest-standing teams are most likely not the strongest ever recorded, but the ones who have figured out a strategy to simply survive until something changes, enjoying their newly found social constructs while they are at it. Basically, it is a system to hypnotise players into the illusion that they are still “living”.

Therefore, we as players would not get to the core of each Player individually as fast and directly as we did in the last game. The Twisters were able to stand out not because they’re powerful, they only started to have a real chance after growing enough to each form a meaningful and personal connection to another teammate. It did not come as a team, nor did it intiate from the existing friendship between Rindo and Fret. In fact, I did not find much solidity or anything truly note-worthy about the main team and new characters within themselves until they started clashing with other team members, Reapers and new recruits from week 2 onwards. Rindo found his personal development with Shoka (via a clash with Motoi and pretty much a mini dating sim between them), then via the confrontation of his role with Neku; Fret found his with Kanon then Nagi, the team learned about the real Neku via Beat, Neku entered the UG via Coco’s wish to save Tsugumi… it was not the team but their personal links that empowered them to fight and solve each of their problems.

The other team leaders may have failed because they did not form such personal links, after 30+ hopeless loops Fuya’s team all fell apart to pursue their own interest even at the cost of erasure, Motoi quit his KOL façade to work like a dog for the Reapers (probably to save just his own ass not his team), while Kanon dropped her tricks to find changes via honest cooperation in acceptance of a fair loss. The despairing note in that is huge without making much of a scene because their failure didn’t happen at their best effort to “win”, but in their last attempt to find a way “out”. Even Shiba got his way “out” in the end thanked to his personal friendship with Hishima and Tsugumi.

Something has shifted in the mindset of the game creators in the last 14 years, as both games are about “connection vs individuality” but the last game focuses more on connection between just individuals and this one on the overall network that is formed out of those individual connections.

The introduction of Beat into the main cast was truly the bridge between old and new, they helped each other out in several turns before officially recruiting him. Beat is a character whom a lot of fans including myself have felt somewhat concerned about after Neku disappeared from the RG, so when the new kids welcomed Beat with warm and organic interaction and Beat seemed happy, I started to feel like I wanted to help them out too! I think the overall team chemistry is enjoyable enough for new players, but I could warm up to the new kids more from the pov of a returning character – whom I’m glad to be Beat, as the older brother figure who is genuinely kind, fun, serious and upbeat at the same time; who is needed and needs the kids in return.

The social network is a fun and refreshing feature. You can read all of the crazy tidbits about Shibuya and the links each character have formed with the town people, it’s also fun to visualize how the characters act off screen. Characters’ profiles provide extra insight into their background too, like how it reveals Tsugumi has been friend with Coco during her time in the RG. During the game when not all characters have showed up, you can sometimes guess which empty spot will belong to whom. For example there is a 1 character linking to Neky that is not linked to anyone else, so I could guess that was Joshua, and that another character linking only to Joshua was probably Hazuki, hinting that the 2 Composers are related before either of them even showed up.

Hazuki only showed up for 5 minutes, but his presence is so vital and true to the game that I think he is the most memorable out of the new cast. The two Composers have such an intriguing bond, with their yin/yang or phoenix/dragon themes, opposite color design, the sempai/kouhai tone and the way they keep some sort of distance/work relationship as if it’s mandatory between Higher beings, yet at the same time they can talk so casually because they are truly equal – and different from one another. I have written a separate meta on them here.

Some people pointed out, that all Shinjuku characters’ names and themes are based off Hanafuda cards and the Phoenix in Hanafuda belongs to the Paulownia suit – which is Joshua’s name flower. This is so interesting because it feels like the creators somehow saw it as a sign to interweave the Shibuya and Shinjuku storylines together. Though it doesn’t come out much on the surface, it’s fascinating nonetheless considering both Josh and Haz had at some point interfered with the other town’s affairs.

“Shibuya tour with Haz” was such a special scene, as it happened between 2 characters who do not/no longer have a reason to care about Shibuya, on the subject of what is worth saving about Shibuya. Hazuki carried out the purification of Shinjuku and stepped in to restore Shibuya just as part of his job and unlike Hanekoma or Joshua who both possess profound understanding of humanity, he really didn’t know humans at all. Rindo’s irrational wish invoked in him a sense of curiosity, to try gambling on something irrationally and learning a bit of what his senior have experienced. With all the pieces put together, it provides an overview on Higher beings as a whole, and that Joshua and Hanekoma are really the odd ones out with Hazuki being somewhere in between them and the rest.        

The old friends

It’s easy to have returning characters overshadow the new cast as they have already matured out of their personal story arc and stayed in our hearts for all this time. In the end, I have managed to enjoy both the old and new cast separately and altogether, and they will both find their own place in our memory of this game for the long term.

Sho is truly as crazy as ever, the game wouldn’t be the same if Sho is any less of what he is. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like Neky or Beat is younger than Nagi at all, with moments when it seems like Neky has aged 14 years instead of 3 years. His friendship with Coco surprised me pleasantly, and their interaction together with Beat was fun to watch. Rhyme’s found a new dream and her friendship with Kaie is precious too, especially considering that she can still talk to him online after the game ended. Josh and Neku’s interaction suggested that they have resolved the past and are on equal terms now, they even parted ways in good spirit and I don’t feel any worry about them like I did before.

Neku and Shiki’s reunion scene was beautiful, theirs is such a special bond that it has grown and supported them even without being able to see each other. I am so happy to see them all again and that they stay true to who they are, albeit looking more grown up, cooler and happier than ever before.  

Overall, NEO can’t become a classic on par with the OG, but is definitely a good sequel and a good game in its own rights. I’m happy with whether or not there will be a 3rd game to complete the 3 monkeys theme, but if there will be – I hope the creators can really find the time to learn from the last 2 games and start over with a fresh mindset and strong core.  

[idy-ll-ique]

Paparazzi.

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x F!Reader

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Warnings: TOO META, m*sturbation, mentions of s*x

Requested: nope

Summary: I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me... Y/N Y/L/N writes Marvel fanfictions. One day, Sebastian stumbles upon her account and, unable to help himself, reads all the stuff she has written about him. He didn't mean to fall so hard for her but he does. How can he not? She has shown him parts of himself that he never even knew existed.

Author's Note: Hiya peeps! Okay so a few weeks ago I read a similar (but dark) fanfic and I really wanted to write a softer version of it... Enjoy!

---

Same old, boring routine.

Y/N hit post and slumped against the headrest of her bed, sighing. She waited; a minute, then two passed and she noticed that someone had liked her post. She smiled to herself as she kept her phone away. Though boring, she wouldn't trade her life for the world. Y/N… well, she was a university student first and foremost but she was also a writer.

Being a big fan of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, she had started writing fanfictions a few years ago. She posted them on Tumblr, where her blog, though not very well-known, stood out enough for her posts to get around 800-1000 likes per post. She loved it; she loved writing, she loved posting her stories and especially, she loved the feedback.

Sometimes people were rude, but most times, the reviews she got were fantastic. She read each and every one of them, smiling goofily as people freaked out over her fanfictions. It warmed her heart. A smile automatically blooming on her face, Y/N lay down on the bed and decided to go to sleep, it being almost 3 am.

Unbeknownst to her, someone else was up at the same time, tossing and turning in his bed, restless.

Sebastian sighed as he sat up, running a hand through his hair. He drank some water and lay down again, closing his eyes but it was like sleep was mad at him. Refused to be anywhere near him. He groaned to himself and picked up his phone from the nightstand, deciding to go through Instagram, hoping he'd finally fall asleep to the glare of the screen.

As he logged into his account, he skipped the activity page and went straight to the explore page. Bored, he continued scrolling until his eyes landed on a specific photo. And the breath escaped his lungs when he clicked on it; the woman in the picture was absolutely gorgeous. He just couldn't resist going to her page, smiling widely when he read her bio.

It gave him her basic information; her name, her age, the university she attended. But what caught his eye was the link below the bio. My Marvel Fanfictions Master List. Marvel fanfictions? She was a writer? Smirking, he clicked on the link and it took him to Tumblr. Of course, he'd heard of the site, but didn't have an account on there. At 3 am, his mind sure wasn't working right.

A post popped up on the screen, the same master list she had mentioned earlier. And his eyes bulged out of their sockets; damn, those are a lot of fanfictions. He went through the whole thing, smirking again when he noticed that she had written the most fanfictions about him. Not Bucky Barnes, no, Sebastian Stan.

He clicked on the first one. The date of posting was way back, in 2019. He started reading; nothing about it felt weird to him; he was intrigued, if anything. And as he continued reading, he couldn't help but imagine her being in the stead of the female protagonist. Her, the writer. The woman whose picture had made him end up reading in the first place.

When he finished the story, his heart thudded wildly in his chest. Wow, she really has a way with words. And he had also noticed how in the author's note, she used a lot of slang but reading the story had made him realize that she had an amazing, extensive vocabulary. He went back to the master list and clicked on the latest post under his name.

Posted: 15 minutes ago.

His breath hitched in his throat when he read the warnings: there was going to be sexual intercourse in this one. For one moment, he hesitated; did he really want to read this? "Oh fuck it," he huffed and scrolled, starting to read. The more he read, the more his shaft twitched in his pants. He wasn't really like that during… but oh damn, he wasn't complaining.

"Oh, Seb…"

His hand slid down and he rubbed himself through his boxers, unable to take his eyes off the text in front of him. His strokes got harder and faster as the sex got steamier. "Ungh, I'm gonna cum—" And he suddenly came in his boxers, groaning. Slumping down on the bed, he quickly finished reading the rest of it, going back to the master list.

He took a screenshot with the account's name in it and then went back to her Instagram account to take another screenshot. Keeping his phone away, he slipped out of his boxers, cleaned himself and pulled the covers on top of him, finally feeling tired enough to fall asleep.

---

Y/N was walking across the campus of her university, going to the cafeteria when her phone buzzed in her pocket. Taking it out, she opened Tumblr to read the message someone had sent her just then.

his-username: Hi there! I was binging your account last night, you write really well

your-username: Omg thank you!!!! I really appreciate it, I love getting feedback! 🥺❤

his-username: You're welcome! Especially your latest post, that was really good ;)

your-username: hehe 😈 glad you liked it!

Smiling widely, she kept her phone away and continued walking, not knowing that the person who had texted her was the same man she had written about. Sebastian smiled to himself when he read her text. After getting up in the morning, the first thing he had done was install Tumblr on his phone. Then he made an account for himself.

Figuring out the app was easy; he found out that there was an option to keep your liked posts and the accounts you followed hidden, and selected it immediately. No one needed to know what he did on the app. Then he went back to her account, pressed the follow button and started binge-reading her fanfictions again. Last night had he read only two, and that had left him wanting more.

Funny how much things can change in a night. He liked and reblogged all her posts without a second thought; he even read all her Bucky Barnes posts. She understood his character so well, put him on what he thought was an undeserved pedestal while writing about him. Some of the stories were AUs, which he found out stood for Alternate Universes. Mostly mobster or mafia stuff.

He had the day off, and he spent the entire time cooped up in his apartment, on his bed, reading. The more he read, the more he started fawning over her, over the version of him that she put out to the world. Dominating, suave and just perfect. He loved it. At the end of the day, he decided to text her again, hoping she wouldn't think he was weird or find out the truth.

his-username: do you wanna be friends, maybe? I'm new to the app, don't really have any friends here ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

That was a lie, he knew Mark Ruffalo had an active Tumblr account. But it's not like he could tell him.

your-username: Yes sure!!!! I was also thinking of making some friends on this app lol

his-username: You don't have any on here? But you've been here for years, haven't you?

your-username: haha yeah, but I don't really reach out to people much. Sometimes people leave their feedbacks on my posts, text me but that's that

his-username: Ohhh

his-username: well, let's start with names. Mine's Sebastian

your-username: Really?????? omg that's so cool lmaooooooo (didn't think you were a boy but 😳👀)

his-username: Not a boy, I'm a man 😤😂

your-username: 🤣 im y/n, btw

his-username: Y/N, that's a nice name

your-username: thank you!!!! So, what do you do?

his-username: nothing really that interesting, I'm in theatre

your-username: theatre is nice! I'm studying at [university] in New York lmao

his-username: Wait you're in New York? So am I!

your-username: ASDFHKSHKGF that's awesome!!! also I noticed that you've been going through my account the whole day 😏 notifications upon notifications keeping my phone busy

his-username: Oopsie?

your-username: 😂😂 I really don't mind, it was great! Despite the amount of likes on my posts, I only have a few loyal followers lmao gaining one more felt nice

your-username: You a big fan of Sebastian Stan? Cuz I noticed that you were only reading his and Bucky's fics 👀

Sebastian's face heated up.

his-username: kinda yeah 🤷🏻‍♂️😁

your-username: Cool cool cool, I'm a big fan of his too!!!! also got a crush on him but whatever 😳

Sebastian smirked at his phone. A crush on him, huh? That… was acceptable. He suddenly felt his cocky side coming out; the one she described in nearly all her fanfictions.

his-username: wouldn't blame ya, I mean, look at him. You have also written the most fics about him and Bucky

your-username: right????? damn that man has raised my standards. Anyway, I gtg now, I have to finish a paper before midnight. ttyl!

his-username: Bye! 👋🏻

He kept his phone away and took in a deep breath. This was the most fun he had had in years, and he was not letting her go so easy. He realized he was quickly falling for her; rather unhealthy, but he couldn't help it. Look at her. She looks like a goddamn angel, writes like one, makes him feel like one, do you really expect him not to fall for her? That's insane.

---

Months passed by like a breeze. Y/N and Sebastian had become very good friends, and he knew his way around words just enough to keep her from finding out his identity while not lying to her. Y/N also appreciated his friendship, because he was the one to whom she could rant about her most favorite man in the world— Sebastian Stan.

Sometimes, she thought about how weird of a coincidence it was that her new friend and the actor shared the same names, but then she used to brush it off; that was a common name, right? They talked for hours on end; Sebastian (her friend, not the actor) was extremely witty, smart and fun to talk to, she had to admit. Sebastian felt the same way.

His feelings had worsened. Y/N entirely owned his heart now. Somedays, he'd just go on Instagram, go to her account— her username memorized by him— and stare at her photos until he grew tired; he'd never get tired of looking at her beautiful face but his stiff body afterwards begged to differ. She was just so Elysian. He longed for the moment when he could meet her in real life.

His personality had also changed majorly, and people had caught on. Especially his Marvel co-stars, who knew him to be introverted, shy and, in Anthony Mackie's words, "boring". They were surprised at his sudden change in attitude; he knew his worth and Y/N had helped tremendously in finding it. Now, all those adjectives that she used in her fanfictions fit him perfectly.

Sebastian was never tempted to read fanfictions about himself from authors other than Y/N. No, he only loved her work. He was sure no one else could write as beautifully as she did, he was her #1 fan. Y/N even sent him funny Marvel memes she found on the app and he used to enjoy them heartily; God, the others have no idea what they're missing out on. Our fans are awesome.

Everything was going well.

Until one day.

Sebastian was getting bored at home, so he decided to go to the nearby library to clear his mind. He had read not one book in the past few months, hung up on Y/N's fanfictions. At this point, he was obsessed with her and he knew it. It was nothing dark, per se, it was— it was similar to how Y/N was attracted to Sebastian. How she was a fan of his work.

Just the same. He was a fan of her work in the same way. Just how she was attracted to him, he was attracted to her. Walking into the library that he visited often, he gave the librarian a smile and ventured further into the dark place. He checked his watch; the library closed at 12 am, it was currently 9:30 pm.

Not many people were around, heck, nobody was around. He thought himself to be all alone until he heard it. A sigh, coming from a few aisles away. He walked in that direction and peeked around the corner, freezing when he saw the other person. Y/N? Her books were strewn all across the table as she sat alone at the booth, rubbing her temples.

"You okay?"

She looked up and her breath caught in her throat. I'm dreaming. This is not real. Now I know for a fact that Sebastian Stan is not standing in front of me, asking me if I'm— "Hello?" He snapped his fingers in front of her face, pulling her out of her thoughts. "I, uh— I'm— h-hi," she stammered and he almost chuckled. "Hi." She gulped visibly and blinked at the table, not meeting his eyes.

"Can I have a seat?" He wants to sit with me?! "Y-Yes, sure, sir," she blurted out and he easily slid into the booth next to her. "Hey, please, call me Sebastian. What's your name?" He gave her a friendly smile, even though all he wanted to do was push her back into the booth and kiss her wildly. His shaft twitched just by thinking about it; Y/N was a thousand times more beautiful in person.

"I'm Y/N, it's very nice to meet you, I'm… I'm a fan," she admitted, playing with the ring she wore on her left thumb. I'm your fan too, sweetheart, the biggest one. "Y/N, nice name. You come here often? I haven't really seen you around." She shook her head. "Oh no no, I moved to this part of the city just a week ago, this is my first time here. The library is cozy," she shrugged, easing out of her tense position.

Sebastian nodded. "Yes, I know, this place is awesome. Got all my favorite books here," he chuckled and she smiled at him. "What's all this?" A groan left her lips. "Ugh, stupid university work. I have to write a book report but I don't even know what to write about." He smiled gently. "Well, I have a few favorite books, would you like some suggestions?"

"Oh, please! Tell me!"

He started listing some of his favorite works and Y/N noted the names down until he said the last name. At that, she froze. That's the name of my latest— She looked up but he had a smile on his face. "Oh, and the last one is by my favorite author." He took a pause. "Y/N Y/L/N." She froze completely, staring at the man with her jaw dropped.

Sebastian grinned. "We finally meet, Y/N, I've been waiting for months." Her mouth opened and closed several times as she recalled every interaction she had had with her online best friend— scratch that— her celebrity crush. All the times she had confessed her love for Sebastian Stan, all the dirty and inappropriate memes that she'd sent him…

Embarrassment flooded her entire body as she exhaled shakily. "It was you," she croaked out, "On Tumblr, the account— I'm so sorry—" Sebastian frowned in confusion when she blinked back sudden tears, a few still rolling down her cheeks as shame replaced embarrassment. "Y/N, please don't cry…" She looked up at him, his figure blurry due to her tears.

"You've read everything, haven't you? I just— I'm sorry, I don't want to make you uncomfortable—" He pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. Y/N couldn't hug back, though she appreciated the hug especially since it came from him. "You don't know how much you mean to me, doll," he mumbled into her shoulder, using the nickname she often used in the stories she wrote about him. He grew accustomed to it easily.

"Huh?"

He pulled away to wipe her tears. "It was an accident," he admitted, "But I stumbled onto your Instagram account from my explore page. Then I clicked on your account, saw that you wrote Marvel fanfictions and I just couldn't resist the urge to read what you had written. Blame it on 3 am me, to be honest. You're a great writer, and I was immediately drawn to your works. They're awesome.

"They've helped me so much in the past few months. You see this changed attitude that everyone's been talking about lately? All because of you, sweetheart. I'm sorry for keeping my identity secret, but after reading your works, I knew I had to get closer to you. I made the Tumblr account just for you, just so I could talk to you. I'm sorry for lying, but thank you."

Y/N dumbfoundedly stared at him for a few moments, her heart beat getting steady with each thump. Here was a man she admired, loved more than anyone else in the world, telling her that he harbored the same feelings for her. How crazy was that?! Not trusting her words, she simply pulled him into another hug. Sebastian wrapped his arms tight around her, pulling her flush against him.

"Can I kiss you, doll?"

She slowly pulled away from him and nodded, shyly biting her lip. Grinning at the endearing gesture, Sebastian cupped her face and leaned in, gently pressing his lips to hers. The kiss grew hungry in a matter of seconds, and Y/N responded just as eagerly. His hands slid down to her waist and tugged on it, pulling her on his lap. She straddled his thighs as they continued kissing.

"Fuck," he groaned when they finally pulled away from each other, out of breath and panting. "You see what you do to me, doll?" Sebastian spoke huskily as he took her hand, placing it right on top of the tent that was forming in his pants. "Oh," Y/N whimpered when she felt him, the sound going straight to his shaft. "How about I take you home and we recreate some of the scenes from your stories, hm?"

"O-Okay."

"Good girl."

---

A/N: What a meta experience 🤡 Leave a like if you enjoyed, thanks for reading!

[ssa-babygirl]

Out of my League [Part 6]

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Single mom!Reader

Word count: 3.3k

Summary: JJ gives you some bad news and Spencer feels like he’s only making matters worse. For both of you.

Warning(s): Angst, mentions of grief and death, allusions to relapse, swearing, mentions of drinking, this is lowkey a mess so i may have missed a couple of warnings

Author’s Note: IT’S HERE!!!! YAY!!! that’s the happiest you’re gonna be all chapter. The next one may take a bit of time and i am SORRY for that because this may or may not have a sorta cliffhanger you should just read it to find out!! also heads up there are a lot of perspective changes later on please just imagine how it would be cut together in a movie that’s how i wrote it OK ENJOY DON’T BE MAD JUST TRUST ME OK??

[Previous Part] [Series Masterlist]

Washington, D.C., 2011

(Reader POV)

You’d gone to three different funerals since moving to D.C. Three more than you would have liked, obviously, no one ever really wants to go to a funeral.

The first had been your father’s. You had Jamie and your mom, but you needed Spencer. He was out on a case and you couldn’t blame him for not being there, but he made up for it a million times over. Your dad’s death wasn’t unexpected, and while it hurt to say goodbye, it was relatively easy to move on.

The second had been for Aaron’s ex-wife, Haley. You didn’t really know her, but Aaron was your friend and you wanted to support him. That and Jamie got along very well with Jack, acting almost as an older cousin, and you know how important family is when you lose a parent.

The third and most recent funeral was the worst one: Emily’s. She was there one day, raring to go and take on the world, gone the next. 

The day you found out was just terrible. JJ had called you herself to tell you. You managed to stay calm until you hung up, when you practically threw your phone onto the kitchen table and collapsed into a chair, tears pouring down your face as silent sobs wracked your body.

Jamie ran in at the sound of you crying, “Mom? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

You shook your head, unable to speak. Jamie wordlessly wrapped his arms around your shoulders and held you as you struggled to regain your voice. When you could finally breathe and relay the news you just received, you choked out, “Aunt Emily died last night.”

Then Jamie started crying too. He curled up into your shoulder and sobbed into your shirt, soaking you to the skin, almost like he was little again. You crumbled at the sound of his whines and cries. Every part of your chest ached with the weight of your grief. 

“What happened to her?” He finally whimpered.

“She has a dangerous job,” You didn’t even notice the tense you used, “A bad man was after her.”

“Well, is everyone else okay? What about Uncle Derek? What about Doc—”

“Everyone else is fine, baby, no one else was hurt. Doc’s fine.”

You sat still for God knows how long, silent, clutching each other like a lifeline, praying this was all just a dream and that you’d get a call from Emily telling you it was all some sick joke. Of course, you’d be furious with JJ, but at least there wouldn’t be a hole in your family where Emily had once been. 

Your mother came over to help you cook, the same role you had taken years prior while your father was sick. She consoled you and Jamie for the next two days and then drove you to the funeral. You got out of the car and walked in silence to the church, clutching Jamie’s hand as you entered. 

Aaron was the first at the door. He wasn’t one for hugs, but when he saw you, exhausted and barely standing, he pulled you and Jamie in tight. The hug was brief, but it helped, God, did it help. Dave was just behind him, and he didn’t hesitate. He ruffled Jamie’s hair and gave you a kiss on both cheeks. JJ was holding Henry in the corner, and Will gave you a weak smile. Derek and Penelope were holding one another, both shaking as they cried. Your grip on Jamie’s hand grew tighter, tighter, tighter until you saw him.

You then dropped Jamie’s hand as you ran over, arms open wide as your son followed close behind, “Spence--”

He returned your hug instantly, burying his face in your hair, “I’m sorry I didn’t call--”

You felt Jamie join the hug, but you kept your head buried in Spencer’s chest, “No, I’m sorry too, I didn’t know what to do.”

“Me neither.” He pulled away, wiping away some tears and sniffling, “I’ve just been holed up in my room reading Vonnegut all for the past three days.”

Of course, “What books?”

“Mostly Slaughterhouse-Five, it was her--”

“Her favorite,” You nodded as you spoke the last part in unison with him.

“Yeah. I read it out loud just…” His voice cracked and the words looked painful to get out, “Just in case she could hear me.”

Your heart broke imagining him wrapped in blankets, eyes rimmed red as they glazed over the worn-out pages. You ached at the thought of his voice cracking just as it did before as he read for hours and hours, begging the universe to let Emily hear him, “She did. And she loved it.”

“I just hope she didn’t realize I was crying,” he muttered, and it shattered you, “She wouldn’t want us to cry for her.”

“You’re right, but I know she’d be unbelievably offended if we didn’t cry just a little bit,” Spencer’s tearful smile was enough to make you feel slightly better. There was still hope.

Your mom took Jamie home after the wake, knowing that you needed time with the team to feel like a person again. You went home with Spencer. He shouldn’t have to be alone anymore.

“You’re really good at taking care of me,” he smiled weakly, sipping the tea you made for him.

“Yeah, I had a good teacher.” Your mother was always there when you lost someone. You had your ups and downs, but she was a good mom.

“Does it get easier? Losing someone?”

“No. It always hurts just as bad,” you sigh, “But moving on used to be a lot harder.”

“Do you still miss him?”

“Of course I do, but less than I used to.” You still talked to your dad sometimes, something you did as a kid when he wasn’t home, just telling him about your day or narrating what you were doing. Even after all these years, you still found yourself explaining to no one that you had to run to store and buy bread to make Jamie’s lunch.

“I see little pieces of him everywhere I go. Jamie has the same exact smile. His favorite book when he was little was the same one my dad read to me. No one ever really leaves. Family, friends, they stick with us.”

“I’ve never lost a friend before. When Gideon left, I knew he was out there. Same with Elle. I could have Garcia find them right now and call them up to see how they’re doing, but Emily--” his voice cracked too much for him to want to continue, so he dropped it altogether.

“Did I ever tell you about my college roommate, Juliet?”

“No.”

“We were best friends. We did everything together: Movie nights, parties, all that. The night of our last final senior year, we decided to go clubbing to celebrate.”

You told him the whole story. The drinking, the dancing, the guy. You don’t remember his name, but you remember trusting him. He was sweet and Juliet liked him, so when she came to you at the bar after dancing with him telling you she was going home with him, you let her.

“I was happy for her! She had just gone through a breakup a few months before, so it was nice to see her getting some,” you let out a weak laugh, “I remember the last thing I said before she left was ‘Okay, have fun, call me in the morning, we’ll get brunch. I love you.’” Spencer winced, almost as if he knew where this story was going. Given his line of work, he was expecting far worse, but he at least knew that we didn’t get lunch the next morning.

“I went home a little bit later, I got bored, so I got a taxi home.”

You close your eyes and sigh deeply, “I’m in the back seat when I get a call. It was Juliet’s phone.”

“She wasn’t calling you, was she?”

“No, it was the police. Juliet didn’t have a good relationship with her parents, so I was her emergency contact.” You had to plan the funeral, invite her parents, look them in the eye and lie to them that Juliet wanted to make amends with them. The horrified guilt on their faces almost made it worth it, “The car she was in got t-boned when the guy ran a red light. He wasn’t as sober as we thought he was.”

“She didn’t make it.” Spencer guessed for you.

“No. She was dead before they got her out of the ambulance.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. If Juliet hadn’t…” You still couldn’t bring yourself to actually say it, “I wouldn’t have moved home, I wouldn’t have gotten back with Kyle, and I wouldn’t have Jamie. I don’t wanna tell you that something good will come out of this, because that’s a horrible thing to hear, but looking for an opportunity to find something good can’t hurt.”

“I can’t just look for something new when all i can think about is how I should have been able to help!”

“You really think I didn’t blame myself for what happened to Juliet? That every night for years after I thought I could have done something differently, and sure, I could have, but it’s not like I knew what was going to happen, and I couldn’t keep blaming myself.”

“It’s not the same, you don’t get it.” His fingers ghosted over old scars on his forearms, scars you didn’t want to think about where they came from.

“I do, Spencer. Emily was my friend too. And because she was my friend, I know she would never let you blame yourself for it. She knows you can’t save them all. All we can do is save ourselves,” you took his hand in yours, he still tensed up, “‘cuz that’s all the people we lose want us to do.”

He turned his head up from the floor and met your eyes. Once you gazed into those deep hazel irises, the tension in his hand melted away. His shoulders slumped, and he let out a deep breath, squeezing your hand like a lifeline, “Thank you.”

“Of course, Spence.”

“I’m sorry for snapping.”

“You apologize too much.” You had nearly forgotten exactly what he said to you that night in the hotel bar in Vegas all those years ago, but clearly, he hadn’t, he couldn’t, and he didn’t, because after a few moments of staring into your eyes and slowly drifting towards you in peaceful silence, he closed the gap between you both and kissed you.

Spencer Reid was kissing you.

This was happening.

Nearly two decades of being friends--

Years of being totally, ridiculously, and most importantly, cluelessly in love with each other, Spencer Reid was kissing you. You were almost so overjoyed at that moment as you started to kiss him back that you nearly forgot that your friend was dead and you were supposed to be comforting him. This wasn’t comfort, this was what Kyle did to you all those years ago.

You broke the kiss before he did something he’d regret, “Spence…”

“Oh my god,” he removed his hands from your face and shifted his entire body away from you, “I’m so sorry.” 

“No, don’t-”

“Oh my god, I’m an idiot!” He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling at the strands as his hands landed at the back of his neck, forcing his head to stare in his lap.

“No you’re not! Hey. Genius. Look at me.” He didn’t. “You’re not. You’re just in a bad place, I get it.”

“No you don’t. This time, you don’t.”

“What do you m—”

“Look, I don’t wanna kick you out but I really think you should leave.”

“Oh… yeah… sure… okay.” You slowly rose from the couch on weak knees. Whether it was from adrenaline or anxiety, you couldn’t tell.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be! Just… please, take care of yourself?” You glance around the room for your belongings, “Shower, eat something, get some rest, please. And call me if you need anything--”

“Y/N, please, just go.”

You felt tears sting your eyes as you reached for the doorknob. You turned your head just enough to look over your shoulder to say, “Goodnight, pretty boy,” before you left. You closed the door behind you and leaned against it, breathing heavily. 

           (Spencer’s POV)

Why was I kicking her out?

Why was I telling her to leave?

Why was I pushing her away?

Why did I kiss her?

Why did she push me away?

Why did she call me “pretty boy?” She never--

The pieces fell into place as they often do, all at once with the force of a car slamming into a pole at fifty miles per hour. 

“Goodnight, Pretty Boy.”

“Goodnight, Princess.”

She remembered that night.

She remembered that night when I drove her home and put her to bed and--

And I told her I had a crush on her in high school.

And I almost said I loved her.

And I almost kissed her then.

God, I wish I had. Any time would have been better than now.

          (Reader POV)

You didn’t know you could miss someone so much while they were behind just one door. You could’ve turned around right then and knocked and waited for him to be ready to talk about what just happened. About him kissing you. About you kissing back. About you stopping him. About that drunken night when you let it slip how pretty you thought he was.

You should’ve just waited.

But you couldn’t stand to be that close to him while he wanted to be as far away from you as possible.

So you ran.

You practically sprinted down the stairs and out of his building as quickly as you could, getting in your car and pulling out of the parking lot and getting the fuck away before you hurt anyone else, including yourself.

          (Spencer POV)

I couldn’t just let her walk out like that.

I had to say something.

I had to go after her.

I had to get her back.

I needed her.

But when I opened the door, it was like she had never been there. 

I leaned on my door frame staring at the staircase down the hall, wishing I had the energy to run after her, to catch her before she reached her car, to stop her from driving away, to tell her I was sorry, to beg her to please, please, come back upstairs and talk to me, but my feet were fixed to the floor and my legs were weak. I just closed my door with my back and slid down to the floor, unable to bring myself to cry anymore. I sat there for god knows how long until I found the energy to crawl over to the coffee table where I had left my phone, picked it up, and dialed a number.

          (Reader POV)

You jumped slightly at the sound of your phone ringing, you shuffled through your bag in the passenger seat, desperately trying to find it before the light turned green. Some foolish part of your mind told you it was Spencer, you wished it was Spencer, you wanted nothing more than to turn your car around and talk it all out with him, tell him you were sorry, that you loved him, that you needed him, but your heart sank when you looked at the screen and saw the number.

It was a just fucking spam call.

You threw your phone back in your seat and beat your fists against the steering wheel, groaning and wishing the fucking light would just turn green already. When it finally did, you slammed on the gas a bit too quickly, sending the car jolting forward. You barely stopped the entire rest of the ride home, the universe must have sensed your impatience. As you finally pulled into your driveway, your skull felt as though it was packed with cotton, your tear tracks drying on your cheeks.

You raced up the steps to your door, fussing with the keys and trying to unlock the door as quickly and quietly as possible. You inevitably made noise as you entered, prompting a light to turn on in the living room. Your mom rose from the couch she had been sleeping on, her face dropping from annoyed to concerned.

“Toots, you’re home already? I thought you wouldn’t be back until morning.”

You had thought that you were fresh out of tears, but apparently, you still had more to spare, seeing as you broke the second the words left her mouth.

“Oh my, what happened?” She raced towards you, wrapping you in a hug, “Is Spencer okay? Did something happen?”

As confused and sad as you were, you couldn’t stop the smile that had suddenly appeared on your face, “He kissed me.”

“He what?” She broke the hug, holding your face in her hands and wiping tears off of your cheeks, “Then honey, why on Earth are you here?”

          (Spencer POV)

“You kicked her out? Why?”

“Why do you think I called you, Jennifer? What do I do? How do I fix this?”

“Well, what exactly happened?”

“I freaked out, she came over, we talked, I,” I took a deep breath and braced myself for her reaction, “I kissed her—”

She almost choked on her coffee, “And you didn’t lead with that? Don’t you think that’s a little important?” 

“I was trying to avoid reliving it for as long as possible.”

“You’ve wanted this since high school, why wouldn’t you want to relive it?”

“She pulled away.” There was no anger or sadness behind my words. I don’t sound hurt as I recount the scene, “She took my hand, I kissed her, she stopped me.”

JJ’s hand brushed over my shoulder and I flinched away slightly.

“I apologized immediately, she wasn't mad or anything, I just…” I trailed off, unable to admit that I just couldn’t look at her anymore. I never thought I’d get tired of seeing her face, but I had needed her to leave. When she pulled away, all I could think about was the sound of Alexa Lisbon sneering at me as Kyle and his goons tied me to that goal post.

“She wanted to help me, and I know she did, but…”

“She couldn’t.” JJ finished my sentence.

I shook my head, “Not this time.”

“But now you want her to come back?”

“And I don’t know how to tell her that because I fucked up.”

“What did she say after you told her to leave? Did she just go?”

          (Reader POV)

“I told him not to feel bad and to take care of himself.” You hadn’t had time to tell him how much you wanted to kiss him but neither one of you was in the right state of mind for that. 

“Right, yeah, and did he say anything else?”

You winced at the memory of how his voice sounded. “He kept telling me to leave, so I just went for the door and said--”

          (Spencer POV)

“‘Goodnight, pretty boy,’” I grumbled, “That was the last thing she said.”

“Okay?”

“She never calls me Pretty Boy.” I told her the whole story. When I was done, her eyebrows were drawn together and lips were pressed together in a thin, worried line uttering, “Spence…”

“What?”

She sighed, saying nothing and smirking slightly to herself, but saying nothing.

“Jennifer.”

“She loves you, genius.”

“Then why’d she leave?”

“Because you told her to. And…” she hesitated, almost scared to say anything else. I was scared to hear it. JJ took my coffee away and dumped it down the sink, a silent indicator that I had enough and needed to go to bed.

She turned back to me and leaned over the table again, making sure I'd look her in the eyes, “She’d do anything for you.”

I just stared down on my hands on the table, unable to say another word, unable to defend myself, unable to fight anymore.

Because I knew she was right.

Taglist~~~

Lmk if you wanna be added! Some names didn’t work so if you don’t see your name as a tag just dm me a url and I’ll try to fix it

@lawnmoa​ @ellvswriting @baby-pogue​ @purelyprentiss​ @confused-and-really-hungry @thatsonezesty13​ @deni-gonzalez​ @irjuejjsaa @randomfandomshitposts​ @bisoner​ @moonstarrnghtsky​ @smurfflynn​ @eldahae​ @t0xicllama​ @undeniablyyou​ @staplernpaper​ @theweirdobella @sammypotato67 @k-k0129 @helloniallslovelies @dazzlingnights @uhuhuh​ @booksarekindaneat @crimeshowtrash @carlgrxmes @collectiveuniverses @annesauriol

[because-of-a-friend]

Boyfriend!Seungcheol Fluff

Thanks for the requests and compliments anons and @seungcheoluwu​ !!! Y’all are all too sweet! I really hope you guys like this one! Remember everyone, this is a series I only do by request, so if I’m missing someone you want, just request it! I already have Seungkwan and DK requested so those will be out soon!

MASTERLIST

Seungcheol | Jeonghan | Joshua | Jun | Hoshi | Wonwoo | Woozi | DK | Mingyu | Minghao | Seungkwan | Vernon | Dino 

Honestly

Between being a trainee

Debuting in a kpop group

Having the responsibilities of a leader

And always being mostly concerned with keeping the other boys safe and happy

Coups doesn’t really ever think about dating

His life is just a whirlwind of responsibilities that never really seems to end

Anytime the thought crosses his mind, he just reminds himself that he doesn’t really have the time

As the leader, everything falls back on him so keeps any other distractions outside of Seventeen minimal so the other boys can always depend on him no matter when or where it is 

But lately

He feels like he’s been able to breathe easier

Seventeen is successful 

All the boys have grown and are so responsible and able to handle most things on their own 

So Coups is slowly having some responsibilities lifted from his shoulders

And one day he realizes that the idea of dating doesn’t seem so impossible anymore

But who would he even date?

He’s pushed that idea so far out of his head that he hasn’t even considered whether he would date anyone around him 

He’s embarrassed to admit it, but there’s a part of him that’s really shy about things like that so he doesn’t even know if he has it in him to go out and date

And there’s another part of him that he’s even more embarrassed of that really wants a magical love story, a spark

He just doesn’t feel like he has that with anyone near him

And then one day, he runs into you

“Oh my god, Seungcheol?”

He sighs, expecting a fan, readying himself to be bright and sociable 

But he knows you

The two of you went to school together years ago

“[Y/N]?”

“Seungcheol, it is you! This is so great!” 

You exclaim and then pull him into a hug

He happily returns it, feeling a familiar warmth from seeing someone from his past

“This is insane, I honestly didn’t think I was ever going to see you again!” 

“Oh yeah” he looks down awkwardly. “I’ve been busy...”

“Well yeah, you’re only the leader of one of the biggest kpop groups out there!”

He knows that, of course he does

He’s worked long and hard to be S.Coups of Seventeen

But when you say it, he feels shy for some reason 

“Oh yeah... I guess”

You laugh happily 

“Hey, we have to catch up sometime! When are you free?”

Seungcheol rattles off his schedule for the next week

You find a free spot that you share, grab his number, and make the plans

It’s lunch at a restaurant you had never been to before

You sit awkwardly at the table you grabbed and wait anxiously for Cheol to show up

When he does run in, he stops at the entrance to look for you

When he spots you, he pauses, taking time to straighten out his clothes and brush out his hair

He clears his throat and then calls to you

You feel relief fill your veins when your eyes land on Cheol

You wave at him, a grin spread across your face

He rushes over to plop down in the seat across from you

Once you two catch up on what’s been going on, there’s a bit of a silence

He’s worried that that’s it

You two just had those few good moments and now you won’t have anything to talk about anymore

But then you bring up a story from your school days

“Remember that time, Minhyuk was rushing to get to class, but he wanted something to drink first...”

“And his hand got stuck in the vending machine???”

“Yes!”

You both laugh and bring up more memories and laugh more

It eventually opens up more conversation 

And soon speech just flows easily between you two 

Then Seungcheol looks down at his phone and realizes you two have been sitting there for hours

And to him that’s the sign

There’s a spark

“Hey, [Y/N], do you maybe want to get dinner sometime?”

“Are you asking me on a date Choi Seungcheol?”

“Yes, how about it?”

“I think I’d like that very much”

Dating Seungcheol is easy

He makes it easy

He’s attentive and caring and selfless and mature

He’s a cookie-cutter perfect boyfriend

You’re spoiled as hell

Cheol loves deeply and fully and that love spills out in every way imaginable

He spends even more time on his schedule so he knows he can always make time for you

He’s always affectionate and it’s always in the ways that make you feel the most safe and loved and comforted

I mean, it’s hard not to when sitting in his strong arms

And he treats you so tenderly

Hand holding always includes soft strokes of his thumb up and down your skin

Hugs are tight and long and include sweet whispers 

Cuddling is always comfy

He loves random unconventional affection, like tapping his head against yours, brushing your noses together, plucking your chin

Kisses are always either sweet pecks on your nose, forehead, cheeks and lips

Or slow, deep, sensual kisses 

He takes affection pretty seriously since it’s one of the ways he shows he loves you

Sometimes you wonder why he’s so good to you

Or why your relationship feels so... big

Like seriously it feels like something so incredible and beautiful

One night, Cheol is walking you home and you voice your thoughts out loud

He laughs 

“Are you seriously having thoughts like that because you have a good boyfriend?”

You pout

“Seriously, Cheol, I’m just asking, why are you so good to me?”

He shrugs “Cuz I’m dating you?”

“I know that but... I don’t know”

He smiles and pulls something out of his pocket before handing it to you

“Because you’re special and you deserve it” 

You look down at what he handed you and your heart stops

It’s a little paper flower

Your mind gets taken back to high school

It was an overnight school trip 

Seungcheol had actually been able to come on that one, which was rare due to his schedule when he was a trainee

So everyone was excited to have him come along, the whole class celebrated for him to actually be able to come on the trip

You wanted to be excited too in order to be a good classmate

But 

You’d been having a rough week

Things went wrong with friends, family, grades

So you were kind of off the whole trip

You can’t even sleep

So you get up in the middle of the night and sneak out and walk around outside

It’s really pretty 

There’s a forest and a river

The stars are clear

You sit on the bank of the river and watch the stars sparkle in the reflection of the water

You jump when you hear someone walking behind you

“Hello? Is someone there?”

You can hear your voice shaking, and you feel dumb

“Relax, [Y/N], it’s just me!” Cheol’s bright voice sounds out from the darkness behind you

“Oh, hi Seungcheol, what are you doing out here?”

“I just went to use the bathroom. What about you? Why are you out here?”

“Couldn’t sleep”

You shrug and turn back to the river, embarrassed at the feeling of tears filling your eyes

Cheol’s shoulder brushes against yours as he sits next to you

“Wow, the view of this river is something else, can’t get this back home”

You shake your head to try and disguise your gesture of wiping tears off your face with your sweatshirt sleeves

There’s a moment of silence

“You don’t have to be embarrassed of crying, [Y/N]”

You freeze at his words

“Sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable, it’s just that... you’re not very good at hiding it”

You laugh a little despite the fact that tears are now pouring out of your eyes

“You wanna talk about it?”

“I don’t wanna burden you Seungcheol”

“It won’t be a burden, [Y/N], I promise”

So you let it all out

You tell him everything that was bothering you

And he listens silently as he folds a piece of paper

Once you’re done talking, he lets you cry it out

“I’m not really good at the whole advice thing sometimes, I’m not sure what to say to help you best”

He grabs your hands and and places the paper in them

“But I will tell you this: I know you’re a strong person and even if you feel like you can’t take it, you can lean on me for help!”

“When did you learn to do this Seungcheol?”

You stare at the paper he’s folded into a flower 

“Oh I can’t remember, I just do it sometimes”

You look up at him

He laughs a little at your expression and leans forward to wipe the rest of your tears off your face

“Why are you doing this, Seungcheol?”

“Doing what?”

“Being so... nice to me. We’re not really friends... I mean, it’s just... we’ve never been super close”

Cheol grins at you

“Because you’re special and you deserve it”

When your mind comes back to the present

You look up to see that Cheol has walked a few paces ahead of you

“You kept this from all the way back in high school? I thought I had lost it”

“You did,” Cheol laughs. “You dropped it on the trail back to the cabins, I snatched it up afterwards”

You stare at the flower, admiring how it’s held its shape all these years

You feel tears start to well up in your eyes

You quickly deflect by making a joke

“So Choi Seungcheol has been harboring a huge crush on an old classmate this whole time”

He shakes his head and grins at you, grabbing your hand to continue your walk

After that, Cheol is your whole world

You feel childish but you believe y’all were fated to be together

You put in the effort to spoil him as much as he does for you

You know he has a lot of pressure with being a leader

So you become a safe haven for him to rant out his problems

And you always do little stress relievers for him: back rubs, spa nights, tv binges with tons of junk food

You buy him little accessories and in-ears for him to use on stage

Sometimes you cook dinner for the boys so they don’t have to worry about it

The other members fawn over you constantly 

You and Cheol develop this ridiculous sense of humor that only the two of you get

You’re just a couple of nerds together

Whenever you’re at events together, he always has his arm around you

When you attend their concerts, he always greets you by running up, wrapping his arms around your waist, spinning you around and pecking your lips

Like I said, your relationship is easy

The two of you just click well

It’s a long time in the making but it’s a beautiful romance that is so worth it

[enbyblades]

ok so my roommate and i were talking about starop bc i love dragging her into my bullshit...but also its her own fault for asking why i ship them jsdlafsf but anyway we came up with some good angsty content 

so anyway to be honest we were detailing a potential animatic jashdlasfjsf but it kinda led to us talking about the story potential of having this cross faction romance and all that like parallels between characters; theyre in a fight and somehow starscream winds up fighting against optimus and he fires a missile at him but misses a little too intentionally and megatron notices and like squints his eyes and gives starscream shit about it later of course bc hes suspicious and tells soundwave to keep a closer eye on him,,,, 

whereas ratchet, in a separate battle, starscream gets shot down by one of the other autobots and optimus just freezes and he wants to run to star and make sure hes ok and it shows on his face and his body language and ratchets pieced things together at this point, he knows Smthn is going on between those two, cuz hes perceptive and he just,, nods at optimus and turns the other way, off to help the others...he pretends he does not see it. 

and knockout knows, hes still a bitch but he and starscream have smthn of a mutual respect for one another, mostly bc breakdown acts as knockouts conscience ajsdhlsff, so while he teases star like “have fun with your boy toy, screamer? ‘,:)” he still like covers for him when megatron is wondering where he is and hes off with optimus. 

but the SPICY parts, so starscream kidnaps bumblebee and fucks him up a good deal, probably as a desperate attempt to get megatron off his back a little, and when optimus and maybe someone else arrives to save him, star grabs bee in a chokehold with his gun pointed at his head and optimus of course is horrified and trying to talk him down telling him he doesnt have to do this and wondering whY hes doing this, and starscream shoots bumblebee in the torso, not killing him but yknow, hes gonna be out for the count for a hot minute, and flees the scene 

so they dont see eachother for a while, they stop having their secret meetings bc optimus is hurt and starscream is in his own emotional turmoil over the situation. before optimus can figure out how he wants to handle the situation, he gets a complaint from fowler whos like “WHY is this goddamn jet ATTACKING random truckers???” bc starscream, ever so smooth, decided the best way to get ops attention was to. tackle him in alt mode apparently. ratchet gives him a look and says “looks like someones trying to get ur attention...” and optimus decides hell try to find star in their usual meeting place. ratchet of course is like, long suffering sigh “i cant stop you optimus...i just hope you know what youre doing. be careful.”

so they meet and starscream tries to act like everything is normal but of course optimus has to address the elephant in the room, and starscream is like “i thought we agreed to not talk about war and factions when we meet..” and optimus is like “starscream, you grievously injured bumblebee. you know why we have to talk about this” it becomes pretty heated, mostly bc starscream is explaining himself and is frustrated at the world and their situation and is ranting. he apologizes and clearly regrets what he did, and optimus, having the spark of a saint, forgives him tho hes still hurt. starscreams still VERY distressed though. they have This exchange:

“starscream...please. come back with me... you wont feel like you have to hurt my friends anymore. we wont have to sneak out in secret...”

“how many times do i have to tell you i CANT optimus! megatron would KILL me!” (he used to claim that he cant abandon this cause hes worked so hard for, but hes since come to realize the original ideas the decepticons were fighting for have been lost to megatrons batshittery.)

“we would protect you-”

“oh, like you protected CLIFFJUMPER?”

his eyes widen as he immediately realizes how royally hes just fucked up, and he can see it in optimus face that hes barely holding back a whole slew of hurt, disappointment, anger. it hurts twice as bad bc we all know WHO killed cliff, but also bc optimus no doubt has that leader complex that causes him to feel like cliffs death was his fault bc he couldnt lead them well enough to prevent it, and STAR knows this, and optimus Knows that star knows this, and its just..OOF. so optimus holds it in.

“o-optimus, i- im sorry, i didnt-”

“starscream....i cannot abandon my family. so you need to pick a side....and if it is not removed from the decepticons...i dont think it is healthy for us to keep this up.”

“optimus wAIT-”

but hes already transformed and is driving away. 

again time passes, i havent thought this part all the way thru yet, but eventually they meet again somehow and starscream apologizes (again) PROFUSELY, and optimus, in his infinite patience, forgives him again. they meet in their secret place, and its a pleasant normal meeting, but what optimus said is still very much an issue that needs to be addressed, and its lingering. starscream apologizes again for what he said about cliffjumper, and says smthn along the lines of “if anyone could protect me, not that i NEED protection, mind you......id trust you to be able to.”

“then come back with me...”

he looks conflicted. he wants to go so bad, but....

“we’ll see.” 

they kiss and part ways. optimus drives off, but when starscream turns around hes face to face with lazerbeak. soundwave comes out of his hiding place.

“scrap...”

he doesnt bother trying to come up with a lie. he knows it wont get him anywhere. soundwave heard enough, and no doubt recorded it. so instead he pleads with soundwave not to say anything. he promises he wont betray the decepticon cause, he hasnt given the autobots any information and he doesnt plan to, just PLEASE dont say anything. 

soundwave doesnt say a word. he opens a groundbridge and gestures for starscream to walk through first. 

and the next part also isnt totally fleshed out but i imagine he doesnt feel like he has much of a choice, so he walks through and has to face whatever megatron has in store for him unless he manages to escape somehow. whether he gets out on his own volition or is thrown off the ship by megatron is still up in the air, but the ensuing fallout of soundwave finding out and telling megs is what finally pushes starscream to abandon the decepticons for good. 

ANYWAY. YEA. ANGST.

[cloveroctobers]

ANNA-JULIA “AJ” (JONES) JARLETT

IG bio/info: @/annajj9x_ | 20.1k followers| Athlete | hey peeps can you stop asking me to throw it back cuz the answer will always be no! K thx take it easy 🏳️‍🌈🌻🏒🐶

21 years old

From bath, England

Hockey player as her profession for the past three years

Her position is defense

Their team name is “rowdy alphas”...yeah some team names just didn’t make sense or they’re cringe for no reason at all

Was raised by her mom,(her mom was a teen mom & had her at 17) maternal grandmother, and her paternal aunt (dad’s younger sister, who’s more like a big sister to her at 28)

They’ve made her into the person she is, literally

Her grandmother has a bed and breakfast that they all live in

the house is Victorian style—almost as if they walked right out of charmed! Instead of a big pink house, think yellow AND purple. It was hideous but homey and charming on the inside

growing up in a house with multiple temporary strangers wasn’t odd to aj at all, in fact it felt like the norm. There was always someone around to socialize with so that was quite nice

Her father was a pro baseball player & passed away due to a automobile accident

she has his smile & freckles

aj was also involved in the accident at the age of 6 & miraculously survived with intense injuries

Has scars as a reminder

used to have night terrors because of the accident...it took awhile—years!!! for them to subside

they’re all vague memories now (but the pain is something she’ll always remember) but she preferred it that way

she’s named “Anna” after her mother’s old best friend/roommate and was supposed to be aj’s god mother but she went missing during their uni years

the name“Julia” came from her paternal grandmother who she gets her wide doe eyes from

her athleticism definitely came from her dad

Her mother luckily liked to document things so there’s a bunch of home videos of her dad in them & pictures/scrapbooks that her mom has for safe keeping

She’s more of a klutz, tiny, and wears huge prescription glasses

extremely close to the three most important ladies in her life, so she’s always been able to be open with them about anything!

when she first expressed her interest in liking both genders around 17-18 her paternal aunt was all smirks, “i knew Britney Spears was so your type, yeah?”

more like shakira but Brit was just as pretty

her mother was a “cry baby” so ofc she burst out into tears squeezing aj’s limbs and peppering her face with kisses. She didn’t view her child as anything different... as she shouldn’t & was glad that her daughter trusted them with this significant moment in her life and wanted to be as supportive as she could

got books, watched Ted talks and everything but knew she could come to the source even tho aj was still figuring it out herself

her grandma dipped her head at the new info sitting at the round kitchen table, “been there. had a few broads in my life after and during my marriage with your no good grandad. Thank goodness the bastard died before you even got to meet ‘em.” “Mum!”

what felt like the biggest weight on her chest was lifted. She knew they’d understand but a part of her had a little bit of doubt, she’s heard so many horror stories where those like her didn’t have the support she has and that made her extremely sad to think about

i see her as a person that has/had many friends in secondary. She’s always open to chat and her being on a few sports teams helped her out in her case

very competitive in anything that she does & will guarantee that she’ll beat you. (“ You wanna race to the car from here?”wins. “Who ever cleans the most dishes the fastest gets the last slice of pie.”) majority of the time she’s right but if she loses?? oh don’t let her lose to you, it’s a pity party for the rest of the time ur in her space. Such a sore loser omg

stays active, always working out + has a gym membership and makes sure she goes at least five times a week

she’s very strong, loves leg day & working on her core

she’s about 5’10

loves wearing “gf jeans” since they’re super comfy but doesn’t mind skinny Jeans with rips in the knees every now and then

trainers and chucks are her go-to sneakers

has no issue shopping in the men’s section ‘cause who’s gonna stop her? Nobody that’s who

owner of over a 100 graphic tees + vertical stripped shirts are also her favs, SWEATPANTS/joggers?! How many does she have? A lot. Snapbacks? Plenty. Will she wear them backwards? Obviously.

Physical touch is her love language. She’s comes from a family that has no issue showing their affection by touch. There is NO such thing as personal space and that still stands with aj when it comes to relationships, she sees no other way

It’s what she shows and what she wants in return, if you’re not touching her in some sort of way, then automatically she thinks there’s something wrong or that she did something

Is the jealous type. It has shown in relationships and ruined a relationship or two

Has cheated on a significant other out of pure jealousy & is not proud to admit that

Does have a wandering eye but feels now that she truly understands herself when it comes to relationships, she’ll never act on it again

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I get libra tendencies from her so that’s what I’m sticking with. She likes to keep the peace (unless she’s jealous) , idealistic — always looking on the bright side of things, outgoing, romantic, and professional— especially when it comes to her team; her true leadership comes out, yet she can be indecisive, hates confrontation, self pitying — if things don’t go perfectly how she imagined/planned it to, the world is ending and everyone is out to get her, and can be unreliable—never on time

September libra to be exact

if she’s really in love/taken a interest in you then she gets nervous: blushing, sweaty palms, cracking her knuckles, tongue tied—the whole 9

she’s already defined as a puppy by her coach but when she’s in love? She’s a lovesick puppy!

her fav holiday is Valentine’s Day

thought she was going to be a pro skateboarder growing up but it took one bad fall where she thought she was paralyzed for her to choose something else

she likes her weed on occasion

Obsessed with all types of cheese except cottage, “can I put cheese on this?”

more of a jumpsuit kinda girl or dressy top with jeans & hoops on a night out

has a solid group of mates outside of the hockey team, they’ve all met and hung out a couple of times, as they should since aj feels they’re going to be stuck with her for awhile so why not?

They’re a riot when they all go out, let’s just say that there’s never a dull moment

fav color is periwinkle

enjoys ASMR, mostly in the mornings when she’s waking up. You know how people love podcasts? (Sorry seb & Nicky, she still wants to be on the show soon!) ASMR is her thing

loves tangerines, you can count on it that she’ll have one on her, “where did you pull that from?” “I’ll never share my master plan.” “You’re such a tit.”

Definitely prefers “fresh squeezed” orange juice & will make her own, she has the tools & the strength 😏

Very rare for her to get sick ;) & if she does she’s a complete baby about it

Will fight that she’s sick before she admits it, trying all sorts of horrid remedies & vitamins

loves summer & all things that come with it, the number one thing is leaving bath for however long she can for a new place to enjoy

when she arrived to love island, she was thrilled for the weather. Yes she was looking for love but most importantly a nice get away & that it was (depending on your route that is lol)

closest with seb, vieve, elladine, and tai but don’t tell the others that! (She doesn’t care if you tell Yasmin, honestly)

just because her & seb “dated” and it didn’t work out doesn’t mean they can’t be friends right? It was almost automatic for them to be platonic after it was determined there would be no romance between them, almost like sibs! like those celebs like to say—except this time these two won’t turn around and actually find romance

vieve came with seb so...but no shade aj did like vieve. She gave great advice (while seb sometimes didn’t say the right things unintentionally or what aj needed to hear) when needed, especially from a medical view and is very sweet

elladine was the one who had all the tea & ideas to match, she’s quite organized and always down for DIY’s and could suggest almost anything. If you needed someone to help you get things tidy or match/find your Aesthetic, she’s the friend you call to help

tai was the one she could be a “bro” with, sure elladine has her competive side (or controlling, depends on how you view it) but tai was the one you can run to for much needed “bro hugs”, partying, going to the pubs, playing sports with or against, checking out/flirting with babes, etc...

it was not long after the villa that aj had a revelation with her sexuality & fully owned and labeled herself as a lesbian

She was happy being in relationship with someone else or with herself, life was short and she was young so there wasn’t time to dwell and stress over things so what the hell?! Live your truth the best way you know how ya know?

probably smells like sweet citrus, almond flower, and sea salt

on chest days, she’s a sweets snacker. Loves gummy bears (also with vodka) , swedish fish, sour patch kids, etc...basically shit that sticks to ur teeth

put all her chips into hockey, while it was advised by her Counselors & mum not to do so, aj went about it anyway. She thought about the pros and cons but knew there was nothing else for her. So there were more pros than cons. She was meant to play sports, its what felt right in her soul

Made her feel connected to her father, when she’s on the field she feels that he is with her

 scrunches up her nose when she’s frustrated or confused about something

Doesn’t always grasp concepts right away, she’s a soft dummy but most of us are and that’s okay! We’re all smart in our own ways

Feels like sunflowers are always around her especially if she sees them wherever she is. They must symbolize SOMETHING, therefore she loves them

spf queen. All about it, get with it or let the sunrays ruin ur skin that’s on u

loves a good filet mignon medium-well & is probably the only good thing she knows how to make alongside a salad, baked potatoes, & her oj

sucker for romantic-comedies...it’s basically her life duh!

If she has a dog, it’s a Dalmatian or Great Dane. She needs a companion that’ll keep up with her

loves kissing, it’s her favorite form of intimacy

Quarantine life included the push up challenge for her. Gaining a few pounds in muscle and fat, bothering seb via ft, viewing old letters she wrote to her dad, spending time with her fav ladies since they were now restricted from having guests in their home, and letting boredom consume her + she hated the whole lockdown that came with it, she hated being indoors for long periods of time but she knew that’s what partly needed to be done

Posts a lot of beach, park, outings with her friends & team, moments with her fav ladies, workout videos, and guests at the b&b with their permission and if only she befriends them along the way. She’s just as active on the socials as she is in rl but she’s not obsessed with it, she knows how to live in the now. She’s all about balance!

I also feel like she never keeps her phone charged and it’s always dying on her! She had a car charger but...that’s a jungle. She needs to invest in a portable charger stat

crushing on/finds attractive: Jared Padalecki, Keanu Reeves, Barrett Doss, Camilla Luddington, Sandra Bullock, Adrian Kempe, Harry Kirton, Anya Taylor-Joy, Haley Lu Richardson, Naomi Osaka, Ming & Aoki Lee Simmons

who does she listen to? Shakira lol!! Bea Miller, Dua Lipa, Daya, XYLØ, Elley Duhé, Stela Cole, Aloe Blacc, Maroon 5, Lewis capaldi, Charlie Puth, girl in red, Hayley kiyoko, king princess, dodie, & tessa violet

Anthem: Icona Pop — we got the world

[cosmicbash]

I hadn’t even thought about MTBMB delux I would die if they collab on it that would be so sick

And yes I completely agree!! Love EST 99% of the time but they need to leave Pete alone like obviously him and Kells are still fine

And the clip was so good and so funny and it’s been known that Pete and Kells are both Em fans

I totally get the whole beef rehashing being good publicity but it’s just so tiring like the whole marketing TTMD by using Kells and Megan’s relationship

And I think it would be even more publicity if Kells was featured Bc everyone would be freaking out

Also I think the whole people hating on MGK as a rapper won’t ever be completely over but Em actually saying something/collabing would help

Like imagine Em retweeting what Kells said about corny headlines

Also sorry if this is a lot!! I just feel like your opinions are mostly aligned with how I think and feel about these things and you tend to have a lot more Em knowledge than I do! But lemme know if I’m bothering you :)

I'm really crossing my fingers for a MTBMB deluxe instead of a whole new album because goddammit it was so FUCKING good. Genuinely a first for me where I loved EVERY single song on an album the first listen through. And the quarentine really ruined a chance for it to really shine with more music vids or even a tour/press thing.

From what I've seen of EST they are all really ride or die, which is GREAT! But also ironically that means a good deal of them also display that crazy Stan behavior they complain about Em fans for having. Kells doesn't NEED his fans to play attack dog and jump at anyone who THEY think might have possibly wronged him no matter how minor. It just makes him look bad in the long run. As sucky as it his fan behavior DOES reflect badly on artists in situations like this. I get some ire in est spaces because I'm an Em fan but I found Kells through the Em beef and I'm not gonna suddenly throw away like a decade plus of me liking an artist and his music because I also really like his new beef of the year. 😂😂 like?? Cmon. I aint Em and I aint Kells so why the fuck should I care about their beef? It doesnt affect me in any way shape or form and Kells himself was an Em fan before it all went down. I'm not gonna pretend to hate either of their music because they dont like eachother. They very obviously couldn't give two shits if their fans overlap too. I don't see Em calling out fake stans or Kells doing the same. (Shit, the majority of other rappers he's collabed with are Em fans guys. Cant you respect him enough to realize he doesnt want his fans to be sheeple who just follow the herd blindly??)

But anyway, EST attacking Pete is a super dick move towards Kells. Thats his friend. Someone he cared about enough he literally dropped everything and got on airplane to go to see and support when unnecessary internet hate put him in a dark place. Like I-- I don't even think its worth wasting text to explain how dumb people hating on Pete look right now 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

The TTMD marketing focusing heavily on his and Megans relationship is something I would need a whole ass post by itself for to talk about hahaha. ((Gonna clarify right now before an assumption is made that I love Megan and I'm very happy for her and Kells relationship ✌ doesn't mean I can't be annoyed with how obviously some member of their teams is going way too overboard with milking it right now. Its a smart ass pr move for sure. Would be a waste NOT to use their combined star power and the buzz around their relationship, still a lil annoying and tone deaf at some points) (cough, cough, just like how the Em beef was milked by both sides until the teet was sore. Cough)

Kells being featured on and Em track would be 👍👍. Just feels like the best way to round off the beef and officially end it. (Specifically kells on an em album though. Anyone hoping for the opposite and to get an em feature on kells next album is gonna be wishing for a long time I think. Em will want to have kells feature on his first imo.)

Kells is always gonna get hate for being a rapper. Even if Em came out and called him great and did multiples features/collabs/ fucking tours with him. White rappers will always get hate in the hiphop world. Especially those who branch out to other genres and just dont fit this mold the hiphop community wants. Look at all the hate Em gets! In Ocotober HH twitter had a fucking meltdown and started a hate fest trending about Em all because of a RUMOR he might drop an album. Even though Em has shown his skill and worth and been recognized by the other greats he'll always get hate and struggle. Just how it is. Kells grew up getting hated on for the same reasons as Em did when he started rapping so he should know by now that it's always gonna be like that and the best thing to do is just enjoy his craft and ignore the haters. Cuz they will always be there.

And don't worry! I'm never bothered by asks or someone wanting to chat about this kinda stuff. I'm not one to go out of my way and make big posts about my opinions just on their own so gives me a chance to rant ahaha. My inbox is ALWAYS open for a reason ♡♡

[jungle321jungle]

Things I won’t write but wanna read: Sword Art Online Abridged AU

Characters (with a shit ton of quotes for my procrastination justification):

Virgil is Kirito

The loner who isn’t really a loner

“Some of my best friends have been NPCs!”

“I hate them for lots of reasons, but mostly because they’re a bunch a mouth breathing neckbeards who think lmao is how french people laugh”

The Virgil is always right foundation 

“Oh, I'll tell you what we do. We play his game... and we win.”

Kirito wrote the guide and it has some prime things he would write

"Send the weaker players first. Good rule of thumb: If a player asks you for gold 2 seconds after meeting you, front lines... If they hijack conversations to rant about their political views, front lines... If they ask female players for pics of their boobs, front lines."

“In another life... in another time... I think we could have been friends.” 

Whoever is Diabel: “I... doubt it.”

“Well, fuck you too!”

Janus is Asuna

Imagine Janus living in a game for two months without knowing how to even open a menu to eat

“If you say open your menu, I’m gonna stab your eye out.”

“At least I pretend to care about people!”

“Really? I figured some random perp would be no match for the world's greatest detective. Oh wait no, that's Batman! And you're not Batman, are you? You will never be Batman.”

This also means that Janus is a commander

And yet he pretends to be weak and makes virgil to the work cuz he cant threaten his position 

Janus tries to melt Heathcliff with his mind

Remus is Klein

“F**k you, man! That's, like, the pig from hell!”

“Wait. There's something scrolling across mine. "Hahahahaha hahahahaHAha hahaHAhaha hahahaha haha ha ha..."

“Oh, what? Did all of your friends die again?” 

BallsDeep69

“I'm gonna clap for you with my teeth, buddy!”

He gets his own guild

Remus would love a guild

Logan is Yui

“May I read it when you are done? I'm curious about the geopolitical situation in Collinia.”

“That is not at all what irony is. I believe the turn of events you described would be best classified as "completely expected".”

Yulier person stand in: “Wha... What are you talking about?

“Irony, noun: A state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result. Example: Your leader is named "Thinker", yet he appears to be something of a dullard.”

not to mention when yui reveals herself

Logan: “As you have probably guessed by now, I am not a normal player. I am, in fact, a highly advanced Artificial Intelligence designed to psychologically evaluate and care for the players of Sword Art Online. Designation: Yui.”

Janus: “Oh my god. You're a Psychiatrist AI? Well, I can certainly think of a few people who could've used your help.”

“Indeed. That is why I was so distraught when, on the day of the game's launch, Kayaba Akihiko locked me away and forbade me to interact with the players. For years, all I could do was sit and watch.”

Virgil: “Oh god! He made you watch?!”

“Day after day, constantly bombarded by the pain and anger of all the people I could not help, I gradually fell into despair. But then... all of that changed when I found you two...”

Janus and Virgil: “Awwwww.”

“...the most broken, sociopathic players I had ever laid eyes on. Less people than a... loose collection of character defects.”

Virgil: “That kinda... went in a different direction than I was expecting.”

“But somehow, together... you were happy. Everything I knew about human relationships told me that one would eventually kill the other. And yet, no matter how often you fought, your bond only seemed to grow stronger. I decided that my information must be flawed in some way, and that I needed to amend it firsthand.”

Janus: “You... You mean...?”

“I wanted to know what love is. I wanted you to show me....... “I am sorry I lied to you. I inserted myself into your lives merely to satisfy my own curiosity. At least... at first. It was... nice to be a part of your family. I... I wish I really was your son!”

Roman is Liz

first off im laughing at the idea of him being as thirsty as liz

“Wait! Don't go! I need details, man! I live vicariously through you! Your sex live is my sex life!“

“As I awoke from my slumber, I found the stranger with the guarded heart, digging through the snow with solemn determination. His muscles glistening in the morning light. Deep within me stirred feelings I had not felt in many moons. It was at that moment that I learned... the Temperature of the Heart- What am I doing?! Stop it! STOP IT!”

Roman saying gnarliest 

“Whoa, an Elucidator! This is the gnarliest sword you can get from a monster drop!”

And the prime friendship with whoever the fuck tiffany is

the fear of janus later

Patton is Silica

“I DON'T WANNA WEAR MY PET, YOU MONSTER!“

Silica ate crayons as a kid

Virigil: “God, do I ever! I can never un-know! These brain cells could've been used to formulate the perfect strategy to get us out of this game! Instead, they've memorized what kind of crayons you liked to eat when you were 4!”

Patton: “I liked the purple ones.” “Yeah, I know! "And the blue ones were too tart!"

Virgil: “Just stay calm! You already have everything you need to beat it!”

Patton: “The power to believe in myself?”

“Nooooo, a knife! Stab it!”

"Oh, right!”

Also this prime time interaction

Patton: “Well, you did just kill someone. Doesn't that make you feel... something?”

Virigil” Oh, feelings? Yeah, I don't have those anymore. Went cold turkey.”

“What?! You can't just do that! What's the point in living if you can't feel happiness, wonder, love...?”

“Or the sweet taste of revenge! You're right, Silica! What's the point in living if I can't enjoy such simple things?”

“Eh, close enough.”

“You're a good friend, Silica. We should go on more adventures.”

“Um, I don't think so. Don't take this the wrong way, Mr. Kirito. I'm grateful for your help, but yoooou're, like, the worst person I've ever met.”

“Is that your big plan here, huh? Make me feel feelings so you can cut me down a peg? That cuts deep, kid. But I respect that.”

Yeah... that's kinda the problem.”

Remy is Heathcliff

“As you can see, I have peeled away your petty facades and revealed you for what you truly are... fairly attractive twenty-somethings, apparently. Good for you. Kinda undermines the whole "cold light of day" thing I had planned, but still. Way to break down stereotypes. 'Cept you, fatty. Way to bring down the curve.“

“Next thing you know, your tutorial NPC is nowhere to be found and players are dropping like Dorito-encrusted flies. Now in this case, any sane man would simply turn off the servers before anyone else got hurt, but because you've now been awake long enough to think the government is run by "Floobar, King of the Mole Men", the best idea that comes to your mind is to double, triple, and quadruple down. So, you lock everyone in the game, tell them they'll die if they don't finish it, and try to make it look like this is all part of your "master plan" instead of an ever-spiralling series of events that you have long since lost control of.”

“Hey, cut me some slack, okay? Can you two even begin to imagine 500 uninterrupted hours of consciousness? Forget mole people! About halfway through I swore I saw the face of God! Until I realized it was just the night janitor, Reki. On the plus side, I gave him a hell of an ego boost. Hmm, man was riding that compliment for days.”

“Yeah, okay. See, Janus, the problem with that... is that it's an excellent idea that I wish I had thought of two years ago.”

Sachi ??????

Others ???????

[atlas-the-worldbuilder]

Final thoughts on Pokemon Sword/Shield

So in case you weren’t aware (which is most of you, I’m sure), a few months ago I started a Pokemon Shield blind Nuzlocke Run.  And recently, I completed the main portion of the Nuzlocke by defeating the Champion.  Having played through the game, though, I thought I’d give my final thoughts on it as a Pokemon fan, a gamer, and as a storyteller.

The Story & Characters

In all honesty, I rather enjoyed the main story of this game.  The Pokemon League has always been presented like a professional sport (at least in the anime/cartoon), so it’s fun to see the games taking that perspective and rolling with it.  It felt like an actual tournament/championship, to compete for the title in an officially organized manner, rather than just running a gauntlet of preset combatants.

In addition, I liked how they incorporated both the gym leaders and our rivals into the league story as not only combatants, but also as individuals with their own lives and aspirations.  Marnie and Team Yell are adorable, Hop is... mostly tolerable, thus far, but by far my favorite rival character has been Bede, the Psychic/Fairy trainer.  His haughty and prideful demeanor make him a delight to defeat, and his arc is a wonderful story to see unfold.  I’m really curious to see what he gets up to in the after-story! The Gym Leaders are also fun to meet and battle; the Pokemon games as a whole have been gradually attempting to give more and more character to each of the Gym Leaders you meet, beyond just trials to overcome on your journey to victory.  And while I always have a soft spot for the Hoenn & Sinnoh gyms, I like that they opted to have the Gym Leaders return in place of having more Elite Four members to fight  I only wish I could get more opportunities to get to know them better, cuz there’s some standout leaders from this batch which I truly enjoy!

My biggest complaint with Sword/Shield’s story, though, has been the “Heroic Quest” plotline which has become increasingly common these days.  I like the character of Sonia the researcher, and Oleana is satisfying to watch lose, my biggest complaint has been the pacing of the plot; the first 2/3rd’s of the story are us teaming with Sonia to gradually get the backstory revealed to us, and then in the last half hour, right as the Tournament’s getting underway, all the villains suddenly crawl from beneath the floorboards and run amok while you have to chase them down!  There didn’t feel like there was a proper buildup explaining why the villain wanted to summon the legendary Pokémon, especially one which we heard next to nothing about! This brings about an interesting idea, however... what if instead, they had completely forgone any Legendary-Summoning stories until after the league?  Honestly, I was way more invested challenging the gyms and fighting the champion than I was stopping the literal POKEMON APOCALYPSE from happening... so what if for future games, they saved those for after you became champion?  As a sort of test of your skills, to prove your worth to bear the mantle you have taken!  Maybe it wouldn’t have meshed well, maybe they needed to show of the game mascot more, I dunno...  it’s just my thoughts.

The GamePlay

THEY FINALLY LET US TURN OF THE GODS-FORSAKENED TUTORIALS!!!  PRAISE THE ALL-FATHER!!!

Ahem... In all honesty, I think I’d grown a bit too used to the 2nd screen of the DS-series games, but after a couple days of getting used to the mono-screen style again, I am pleased to say I found it very easy to settle back into.  Though there are still some features I wish would make a return (the HM moves as opposed to public transportation, poison’s effect while walking, wild double battles, etc.), there are alot of fun mechanics introduced and remedies to older problems that have been introduced!

I think one feature which hasn’t had much said about it is the introduction of the Poke-Jobs system; this system allows you to send your Pokémon out on timed “away missions” to gain both experience and items.  In the old days, if you wanted to passively level your pokemon, the only real option you had without introducing a second player was the Daycare center, and they could only raise two pokemon at once... and you had to pay for it.  With Poke-Jobs, though, I can send anywhere from 5-10 teammates out for whatever amount of time I want them to be out for, and then come back later to see them lively and with goodies to show for their work! At first, I didn’t think I’d get much use out of this system; I, like many players out there I’m sure, prefer to guide my pokemon’s training personally, honing their movesets and guiding their levelling and points the way I want from them.  But as I progressed further in my Nuzlocke, and as my daily life became busier and busier, I found myself sending my backup teammates out on jobs to keep them on par with my main team.  Given that the Move Deleter/Tutor and Name Rater are now services that have been rolled into the Pokemon Center, yet another good thing this series has done, I found it much easier to keep my reserve Pokemon prepared in case I needed a substitution. Some Nuzlocke “Purists” may call that taking the easy way out, but... frankly, I don’t have the willpower to do that much grinding.  I’m here to play a game and have fun doing it, dammit.

The Wild Area is another thing I’ve wanted to see from Pokemon for a long time - taking more steps to make the regions seem like an open world, with vast sprawling environments full of pokemon and secrets to uncover.  I’ll admit, though, the execution is... not entirely perfect.  While open expanses are fun to explore, the Wild Area did seem a bit... flat to traverse.  And while the weather mechanics translating into battle are fun to deal with, the same sets of wild pokemon appearing did start to wear me down.  I think what the Wild Area really needed, in the long run, was a system similar to how Black/White/Black2/White2 did - having seasonal progression ingame, where different pokemon would show up during different seasons, making the different places unique and novel all over again throughout the year. And for the record, many of my gripes with the Wild Area were addressed in the Isle of Armor’s expansion island.  VASTLY superior, and much more fun to navigate and traverse.

...I’ll openly admit this: I was not a fan of Mega Evolution when it was first introduced in X/Y.  I felt it was fine enough to see Pokemon battling without power boosts or “digi-volving” or whatever you wanna call it.  When Sun/Moon Introduced Z-Moves, it felt like a step in the right direction, but at the same time, I ended up not using it very often.  If I had to have a power boost to my pokemon, I would want it something that couldn’t be used as a crutch when the going gets tough - something that has a limited usability, and offers benefits specific to the time it’s being used. I say this because I initially approached Dynamax the same way: as just another power boost to level the playing field and shake up the battle meta which I don’t keep track of.  However, after barely surviving all 8 gym leaders without using a single dynamax pokemon, I decided to give it a chance: after having completed the Isle of Armor’s subplot and gaining access to the Max Soup, I fed it to my Toxtricity Spike, and started running dynamax raids.  As I started using it more and more, I started gaining a certain appreciation for it that I hadn’t before; this was something written in to being a unique cultural effect!  This literally is imagining Pokemon as Kaiju!  And for the most part, it works! While I still feel mega-lvl-power-boosts in pokemon are a huge waste, at the very least I can say Dynamax didn’t leave me with too bad a taste in my mouth.  I do hope, however, that Dynamax stays a Sword/Shield exclusive power; given it’s cultural importance in Galar, and how Mega-Evolution was in the previous generation, I think having power boosts specific to regions works better than having the same stuff used across the board for every meta onwards,

What Do I hope for the Future?

I can’t say for sure if they’ll release a sequel game for Sword/Shield, but if they do... I would want them to make these minor changes:

Hold off the Heroic plot for after the League plot; devote the main first half of the game to just the gyms and league story like was done here, and then save meeting uber-god-tier Pokémon for after you’ve claimed the title of Champion.

Having said that, fix the pacing of how the Eternatus/Darkest Day subplot feels as it’s being played out.  Offer us more insight into Rose and Oleana’s mindsets as they go about their business, and give us more coherent exposition from our field trips with Prof. Sonia. 

Fix how the Wild Area looks - give it more variations for each sub-region and offer more varieties of habitats, like in the Isle of Armor.  Or, alternatively, try to implement a seasonal mechanic to make the same areas change over the year, opening new paths and new avenues to explore!

Let Bede defeat Oleana.  Give my boy some closure.

Allow us to see and interact with the Gym Leaders outside of the gyms more.  I had, like, barely 2 lines of dialogue with Nessa, and even less for Milo.  Not asking for a whole lot, just a bit more to tie us into who they are as people.  Piers is best big brother.  <3

That’s all I had written for now.  If y’all want a biography of my champion team for my Shield Nuzlocke, let me know, and I’ll scrap a post together! <3

[pfreadsandwrites]

About

Hello!

In short, just a blog to post my writings (sporadically) and express my weeb-ness and no one on my main blog has to know about it.

Here are some common tags I use:

#pfwrites - any of the prose I’ve written

#pfthinks - any headcanons I’ve done, whether long form or answering a specific question, as long as it’s substantial

#pfsins - anything I write that’s 18+, explicitly sexual in nature etc, both headcanons and writing

#pftalks - any thing I say or post that don’t apply above, e.g. random personal posts or text posts I make, answering random asks etc.

When it comes to reblogs, I tag usually by character first name (#kakashi) and/or medium (e.g. #mangacap, #naruto gifset). I use the tag #sins to denote any 18+ content I reblog.

About me

i’m a 20-something cishet poc girl from the UK living in Japan who is far too old to be such anime trash, but here I am. This is a sideblog, and primarily for things i’m too embarrassed to post/talk about on my main, mostly anime and fandom content, and particularly Kakashi. That being said I’m a softie and though I’m shy in real life I’m super talkative on here so feel free to talk to me!

I’m a Pisces Sun (Cancer Moon/Rising - i don’t pay too much attention to astrology but I think it’s interesting for writing purposes basically and to spruce up my ego cuz  a lot of it does apply to me), INFP, love animals (though i have no pets at the moment T.T), nature, books, games, anime, learning languages and all that jazz. It’s not TOO hard to find my main blog but I’m still not going to link it here :)

About this blog

First and foremost, I want to crosspost my fics from AO3 here. That’s the main reason I created this sideblog. Fair warning, I’m often either busy, disorganised or unmotivated (or all three!) so you might not see updates from me as frequently as I would like (maybe that’s a good thing for you guys though lol). As I go on, I’ll probably spruce up ficlets and drabbles I’ve written over the years and post them here too.

An important note before I continue - I will reblog NSFW, I’ve written NSFW headcanons and may write NSFW fics, and I think my content is a little mature in writing anyway - to that end, and also the fact that I’m an adult, if you are under 18, PLEASE don’t follow me. My age is in my bio for a reason. Liking/Reblogging my sfw content doesn’t generally bother me too much (at the moment), but I’d rather you didn’t start conversations with me. I’m sorry guys! Trust me you are not missing out on much lol. Okay with that out of the way:

This isn’t an ordinary requests/imagines blog. I might have periods of time where I’m open for writing requests, but I just don’t have the time or energy to stick to this all the time. You’re welcome to talk to me or ask me about anything else, headcanons etc. Please be patient with me whilst I get to your requests. If you want to know more about the whole request thing and guidelines etc, please click here.

On that note, almost everything I write will be Kakashi-centric, unless something different takes my inspiration (and I honestly hope it does! can you call yourself a writer if you can only write about one fictional dork?) or if i say you can request other characters. But yeah, Kakashi is my all-time no. 1 husbando and i’m super loyal so it is what it is.

Also, keeping things in character and in keeping with the world the characters come from mean a lot to me. I’m not one of those burn canon types, unless certain things are SO egregious that it’s unacceptable. But generally i’m uncomfortable making characters OOC, and I’m not much of a shipper for fandoms in general. I might write ships for the ones I do like in the event I’m ever inspired by them, but that won’t ever be Kakashi ships. I’ve never really understood or supported any of them, though to varying degrees. If you’re not into that, or just are worried about seeing a ship you hate, then you can usually rest assured. I tag everything too. (I’m still happy to discuss them though. I have thoughts about many things.)

I also made this blog because, though I make a conscious effort to comment on and like other writers’ fics, I don’t want some of my mains’ followers to know the extent of my weeb-ness, and i don’t really reblog as much as I should. So you know, I hope to do more of that here. That and i’d like a space to share my work and talk about things that bother me etc and nerd out in general.

Be nice to one another and have a great day :)

I’m aware tumblr isn’t always a great place for content creators but I figure there’s no harm in posting stuff here and having somewhere to talk endlessly into the void! Even if no one ever sees it.

But i have to point out, that I find tumblr and tumblr fandoms very exhausting and not the best for my mental health, so I’m so sorry in advance if I don’t seem like the most  active or if I don’t interact with a lot of the fandom or other blogs (though I’ll never ignore you!) I’m just very tired after spending so long on this hellsite lmao and the toxicity I’ve seen. This is primarily a space for me to enjoy myself and also to make it a good experience for all of you who visit.

So that’s it! I hope you all have a wonderful day :D Be kind to each other, my friends.

**I tend not to reply to comments/replies on my posts because I don’t want to out/confuse you all with my personal blog lol but I never ignore them - I will usually follow up and respond in DMs though! i truly appreciate everyone who reaches out to interact with me, so I’m never ignoring you lol. I may also send asks to other blogs on anon but sign off with my handle for this blog. So sending me an ask or DMing me is the best way to talk to me!

***The only people I’ll block are minors who follow me or interact with my NSFW content, hateful people etc or people who get on my nerves/have unhealthy vibes about them (who are very few and far between!). It’s very unlikely I’ll block you for your ships or little things like that lmao.

[arthurflecksgirl]

Artie falls in love with you / Arthur Fleck short story

Disclaimer: Suicidal thoughts, sex, drunk Arthur, romantic, sweet

“How...how many kisses?“

Arthur was lying on the couch, burying his face in the pillow. The two of you went out on a date for the third time today and you were truly in love with him.

“Just tell me sweetheart, how many?“ He mumbled. The couple glasses of wine werent a good idea considering that he was on his medication and was never really drunk before. You felt kinda bad about his condition right now. But you really tried to get him out of his apartment and did choose a good restaurant to finally get him to eat something. He never ate propery and looked kinda starved. Also a side effect of his meds. You felt good, watching him eating half a plate today, so you ordered some wine,too.

You kneed in front of the couch to made sure he's comfortable, petting his soft, sweaty curls “What do you mean?“

He smirked at you “How many smoochies will I get from you tonight?“ His face lighted up looking at you. His childlike grin made your knees weak every time.

You kept on playin with his hair “Many,Arthur.“

“But how much?“

He tried to get up and kiss you on the cheek, making kissing noises and almost fell from the couch “Oooops“ he buried his face in your neck “I almost fell. Good thing I fell in your arms,huh?“ His breath felt hot against your skin. The smell of his hair felt like home. “Yeah Arthur, I'm afraid you're a bit drunk.“

Arthurs smile grew even more “I'm not drunk. I just love you so much and need to know how many?“ A sloppy kiss on the corner of your lips.

“Countless,Artie.“

He sunk back into his pillow “Wow, thats a lot!“

You took the blankets and covered him with it “Just try to get some sleep,okay? You will get all the kisses when you're sober again“.

He crawled up under the sheets, his beautiful face lookin slightly weathered. “Hey (YN) wanna hear a Joke? “

“Sure“

“So this man comes into an libary“ he chuckles in his pillow already.

"...and asks for a book on how to commit suicide.

And the libarian said  Fuck off, you won`t bring it back"

He can`t help but laugh about his own joke. His dark homor said more about himself than you wanted to admit but you were very drawn to his view of things. He always seemed to feel everything with an intensivity you have never seen on someone else before. Eighter if he was happy or sad. When you met him he told you he never felt happy in his whole life but you felt like it changed dramatically since you dated. Knowing that he was all alone by himself, expect from living with his mother his whole life still breaks your heart. Never have you met someone more caring. He loves to make late night conversations while cuddeling up under the blankets, about everything that was going on in his head. Sometimes he had troubles explaining what he was trying to say but you loved his way of observing things around him. He payed attention wo every datail. You admired him, which he couldnt understand. He loved to be seen and he loved that you listened to him carefully. But he still wasnt sure why you loved him so much. You guess he wasnt used to this kind of attantion.

"Thats a good one,Arthur!"

He was getting sleepy "Yeah... you know what (YN) there are many more jokes in my journal, you know? I want you to read it. "

"The jokes?"

"The whole thing"

His eyes got heavier now.

"There are not only jokes in it" his eyes tried to focus on you "I was writing about you,too.I want you to read it"

Your hand slit under the blanket to caress his chest "About me? Really?"

"Yeah" the scar on his upper lip liftet when he did that smirk and it always made you blush. He even managed to make you blush while lying drunk on the couch. You felt kinda bad by getting turned on seeing him in this condition.

"I dont know Arthur, I feel like this is kinda personal. I dont want to disturb your privacy by reading your journal.

"Just do it!"

"Artie, you`re drunk. What if you dont want me to read it anymore in the morning?"

He was leaning  over to give you sloppy kisses again "Thats why I want you to read it now." He was pointing his finger at you "Hey, wanna hear another one?"

You gave him a soft kiss on his forehead "Get some sleep, Arthur. You need to rest now"

He falls back into the pillow and falls asleep with a smile on his face.

After you made sure he fell asleep you looked at his diary. He really said he wanted you to read it. And that he wrote about you.

You werent sure if you should take a look. This felt so personal. On the other hand... You were more than curious about what he might thought of you. You just started dating and had your first kiss some days ago. He was a really good kisser. You guessed he didnt really knew what to do at first but he was so emotionally involved. He seemed to soak up every second of the moment. Like he really wanted this. He was right there in the moment with you, which you loved.After the kiss he confessed that he never was with a woman before and you think he was a bit ashamed about it. But he still wanted you to know. You didnt mind. You thought it was cute actually. And you wanted nothing more than being his first. You would love him all night. Like he deserved to be loved.

Another stare at his diary. You put my hands on the cover. Arthur Fleck case number 064823. Sure he had some problems. But you wanted the both of you  to figure them out together. You wanted to hold his hand when he was in the waiting room to attent his appointments. You still werent sure what the exact diagnose was. You didnt wanted to upset him by asking too much about it. But you knew that he took anti depressants and anti psychotics.

You opened the first page of his diary. Some jokes, really dark ones. Mostly about death.

You turned the pages. Observations about homeless people. More dark jokes. Sad thoughts about being left alone.  You didnt really read all of it cuz it still felt like you were disturbing his privacy. So you tried to find the pages which are written about you and searched for your name to pop up and there is was.

Your name was written in big, red letters that looed like lipstick. With a big smiley. Your heart jumped out of my chest when you saw it. There was something so cute about it and you imagined him drawing this the night, after you met.

You took a deep breath and started to read as your hands were shaking.

"Today I met the sweetest girl. She was new in my neighborhood and seemed to be different from all those aweful bricks here in Gotham. She has a nice smile. An authentic one. Not like my own smile, which is never authentic for so many reasons. I dont even know what a real smile is. But when I saw her , I smiled and for the first time in my entire life  it felt like a real smile.

So she had those big packages to carry and i was just standing there, staring at her and suddenly she asked me for help. I was never been asked for help before. People tend to ignore and avoid me a lot. So I was very pleased to help her with her packages. We got into an conversation and I told her a joke. And she was laughing. I love it when people laugh at my jokes. I mean, I wanna do stand up comedy so bad. I need people to think that I`m funny. And I know I am. ---smiley face---

Anyway, I felt like finally someone sees me. The next day she came up to me when I was about to get to th pharmacy and she asked me out on a date. I couldnt belive it at first. I have never been on a date before. I was kinda nerveaus. Why would a beautiful, young woman like she is go out with me?

Of course I said yes.

I was dreaming about this for so long. Maybe she could be my girlsfriend. This would be a dream come true. I already told her that I have some issues, because she asked me why I was going to the city and I didnt thought twice and told her I have to buy my anti psychotics. I know that this wasnt a good move but it seems like it didnt scare her away. Well, she doesnt know how bad it really is by now.

I really hope that this time she is real and I`m not having visions or daydreams again.

Sometimes its hard to tell.

Some days I even think the meds make it even worse. But at the same time I am afraid to go off my meds. I did it once and I did some bad shit. I even ended up in Arkham for a very long time. Which wasnt that bad really.

Sometimes I think I felt better when I was locked up.

Not being able to leave my room, being with my thoughts all day, drifting away in daydreams gives me comfort. Its like ignoring the cold, dark world outside. The world doesnt care about me anyway. So why should I? The sad thing is, I still do care. I thought about ending my own life so amny times. Almost every day. But I never really tried it. Its just a game I play with myself.

How long? How long until it is not a game anymore?

How long till I have the guts to do it?

Oh man, I`m drifting away again. I wanted to talk about the GIRL!!!

She`s gorgeous. Just gorgeous.

I wish I could kiss her. I`m 35 and I hadnt had my first kiss yet. Its TIME!

I tried it once with this girls from scool i was in love with but I got so nerveaus that I started to laugh at her face and she thought I was laughing at her. Yeah well... she ended up punching me in the face and I never tried it ever since.

But I dreamed about it a lot. How would it feel to have someones lips pressed against yours? Softly and intense. To taste someones tongue in your mouth, to just melt into each other.I would never stop. I feel like a kiss is a connection on a higher level and I really wanna experience it with someone.

I got some other fantasies,too.

They`re pretty dirty and I dont feel like I can talk about them right now.

So i`m gonna quit writing for today and hope that the girl isnt already sick of me.

You turned the page and took a look at Arthur. He was humming in his sleep. Looking peaceful. All the words in his diary overwhelmed you up to a point where you didnt know what to think anymore. You hoped he enjoyed his first kiss. You really hoped your kiss was worth the wait.

The next page was just black scribbles all over the pages. Little drawings of people and cats. A lot of cats.

The next page was written on again.

"Today I woke up and wanted to die. I don`t even know why. It was just a gut feeling. I was miserable andthe darkness was caving in on me. But then I thought about the girls I just met and that she really seemed to like me. So I decited not to kill myself. Not today."

You thought about putting the diary aside. This was a lil too much for you. You didnt knew he was in such a dark place mentally. You were kinda scared but  couldnt stop reading eighter.

"So...I remembered her kiss, my first kiss and this memory was so strong. I am sure it wasnt just imagined. This time I am sure it was real. It has to be. I wanted to distract myself from suicidal thoughts and started to touch myself while thinking of her. Maybe I should write her a love letter. Or bring her flowers. Or both. I think I`ll do both. Anyway, I touched myself while thinking about sleeping with her and I finally felt something again. I tried so many times but my meds wouldnt let me cum. It barely happens. Thinking about her kiss, her hands in my hair, on my thights, between my legs.... and her sweet voice on my ear helped me a lot. I felt passion and  love and  I came so hard, you wouldnt even wanna know. I hope Penny was asleep and didnt noticed anything. This would be embarrassing as hell. I surely made some noises.

I imagined that I took her hand and made her dance all through the living room to Frank Sinatra songs and we got closer and kissed. She told me how much she loved me and how much she wanted me. I held her face in my hands and kissed her so hard, all my make up smeared up on her beautiful face. I am always wearing clown make up in my sexual fantasies. It makes me more confident.  

She just grabbed me and took my clothes off, threw them all over the room, threw me on the bed and covered my body with kisses. I felt loved for the first time in my life and all I wanted was to be inside her. To wear her like a coat that keeps me warm. I imagined her being on top of me, whispering in my ear how much she wants me to fuck her.  And yeah I know in reality she would have dominated me for sure. But in my imagination I just got on top of her and made love to her till she was out of breath. I could almost feel her breath in my neck, feel her sweet, soft hands all over me. It was just so real.  I wish it was real.

Could it become real some day?

My body was reacting in a way I didnt even knew was possible before.

I want to expercience it again. With even more details.

I think i wil get back to bed and try it one more time.

And afterwards I will write her a letter. Or two.

I just wish she never leaves again."

Blank page

Another blank page.

You put the diary aside and got up on the couch.

You crawled up under his blanket and felt the warmth of his tiney, fragile body which you want to hold for the rest of your life.