#most of these entries were a big struggle actually. writing them general enough to fit most Rooks but still being entertaining

[flowersforthemachines]

Rook Joins the Book Club - Mod

As one of the many people sad that Rook wasn't included in the Book Club, I set out to fix it by editing the codex entries in the game :)

There are 6 versions of the mod available, one for each faction. Here is a showcase of the Warden version:

The rest of the entries can be found under the cut.

Crow Rook:

Lord of Fortune Rook:

Shadow Dragon Rook:

Veil Jumper Rook:

Mourn Watcher Rook (typo in the word "possession" is fixed in the latest version of the mod):

[thistangledbrain]

Deliberately lumping 17 & 18 together this time, because 17 isn’t that big of an entry.

Day 17 - “Accommodations”

So from a *personal* standpoint, I need few or no accommodations, as I’ve learned to make my own & have my own coping skills - when you spend most of your life not even knowing you’re autistic, you’re less likely to ask for something to help you with “your weird hangups”.

But younger auties often DO need accommodations- like being allowed to wear headphones/muffs in school, having a quieter testing environment, smaller classes, and so on. And obviously, the more you struggle with certain aspects (like loud noises or crowds), the more accommodations you’ll need.

I admit I don’t have much experience with the kids who truly need the total SPED environments. *Most* (definitely not all) kids I’ve known have all been capable to a degree of adapting to a NT environment. It’s *exhausting*, but possible *most of the time*. So since I’m a child of “suck it UP!”, I’m unfamiliar with this outside of simple accommodations I asked for, for my youngest, when he was in his earlier HS years - like headphones being allowed, and letting him keep his cell phone on him so he could quietly text with me if he was having a rough day & we could walk through it together. As he’s progressed through high school, he’s needed these accommodations less and less. I’ve noticed as my boys have edged through puberty, they leave more and more of their younger struggles behind them.

Your results may vary, of course.

———————————————

Day 18 - “Someday”

Hm. Boy, that’s ambiguous. Maybe I’ll take this one on from a couple different angles.

Someday I hope NTs understand autism better. Someday I hope each autistic person can be judged on their OWN PERSONAL strengths and weaknesses, like NTs are, instead of lumping us all together and deciding we can or can’t do something, based on the fact we’re autistic. For example, I know *plenty* of autistic musicians who play in bands ranging from death metal & punk rock, to smooth jazz. “But I thought autistic people couldn’t handle loud sounds!!”, you exclaim. Yeah, and some of us can. Also, not all loud sounds are created equal. Or sounds in general. A good example for me is, I occasionally jump and let out a little scream when the toast pops up 🙄, but I don’t flinch at the sound of gunfire - because I love to target shoot (I do not hunt), and it’s something I’m really good at, so I enjoy it thoroughly. (I’m not going to get started on America’s gun violence problem because it enrages me. I can rant about that allllll day & already deleted two paragraphs doing just that. This was just a convenient example.)

I’ve been thinking about this a LOT lately, actually. We have our own hurdles, without NTs adding to them, anyway. But I think about “what if I knew I was autistic, before I joined the Marines? Would I still have been as determined?” YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT...BUT I would have hit a brick wall, because they wouldn’t have let me (if I was honest about it, anyway - I’m telling you right now, if every applicant was 100% honest about their background, almost NO ONE would be accepted). So what happened? Well - I was a damned good Marine, that’s what happened - because I didn’t let *anybody* tell me I couldn’t do something. And as I mentioned before...for certain types of auties, the military is actually a pretty fucking brilliant, comfortable environment that we literally thrive in. Again - we are all different. So this “someday” one is BIG for me. Someday I hope we are judged individually on our merits, someday I hope we are looked at through the lens of what we CAN do, versus what *someone else* thinks we cannot do. I have YET to meet an Autie who doesn’t go “OH YEAH?!” when we’re told we “can’t” do something because of our autism. (We might not always succeed, granted, but we really hate being told we “can’t” do something, based on what YOU think we can and cannot do.)

Someday I hope autism is actually celebrated, instead of thinking it’s some sort of scourge. I hope to see that happen in my lifetime.

Someday I also hope that people (the doctors and psych folks and whatever) realize there’s actually a *considerable* difference between male and female autistics - which is why females are so often diagnosed late in life, because we “don’t fit the profile”. I also hope they realize that some females are more like males, and some males more like females, as far as the expression of our ASD. In other words - back to HOW ABOUT YOU EVALUATE US INDIVIDUALLY, FFS. I hear all this shit about how “autism is a spectrum”, and it just seems like lip service - if you KNOW it’s a spectrum, then why are you still trying to pigeonhole us into the DSM-5 definition or whatever, and operating inside generic parameters?? Auties are the most complex human beings you will ever meet in your life - and I stand FIRMLY by that - so your attempts to shoehorn us into your basic understanding of it is frustrating as FUCK. Infuriating, even. No wonder we fight you so bad when you try it. How would YOU like it if we decided that every middle class blonde woman is a “Karen”, and treated you as such? Or if we decided everyone with brown eyes are slow and we should treat all of you brown eyed people the same, like infants? You’d be like, “what the FUCK?” Yeah. It’s a lot like that.

Someday, I hope more therapists understand the autistic brain better, so they can be more helpful. Sometimes the same advice you’d give a NT patient struggling with an issue (let’s say, the death of a loved one or executive function) just won’t ...WORK...for an Autie. As it stands now, most therapists I’ve known go straight to ABA, and that gets frustrating when you just need to let it all out so you can re-center and actually have a discussion. Speaking of ABA, someday I hope teachers and doctors and therapists understand the resentment and feelings of being “wrong” or “bad” that result from ABA. SOME of it is necessary I think, but mostly, all it does is teach repression & lets us know loud and clear that the way we are is “wrong”. I desperately hope ABA is reevaluated - with the input from ACTUAL AUTISTICS. Using ABA for to overcome a problem like, say, potty training or something, is often seriously necessary. But potty training isn’t part of *who we are*, if that makes sense. Most ABA is basically like putting your Autie kid in a dog training bootcamp, with little to no thought about “what makes that kid tick”. It’s all about training you to act in a way that NTs find acceptable (and I have lots and lots of cuss words about that........) I don’t even train DOGS like some schools or therapists train auties. Dogs aren’t beings to dominate, control, and condition to act in ways I find pleasing (but I’m also not a “general trainer”...I’m on the behavior side of things). They’re sentient beings who deserve to have their personalities discovered, their traumas and their hangups, and THEN we work inside THAT dog’s parameters until we’re solid...*then* we start working on pushing them outside of comfort zones and such. AFTER that trust and understanding has been laid down as a solid foundation, for *that specific dog*, regardless of my experience with past dogs (though I do rely heavily on past experiences of course; knowledge of what did and didn’t work with some other dog similar to the one I have now - that sort of thing - but every dog is a whole new being to me...because, well, they actually *are*). Nothing is “cookie cutter”. Every dog is a brand new exploration. I understand that’s putting a lot of pressure on SPED teachers. I understand they’re baffled when I tell them ABA sucks as a because they see “positive results”. Sure - you see positive results in your ability to repress that child. Positive results in the fact that they’ve now learned to hide themselves from you and others. It seems the current ABA methods don’t necessarily teach any sort of useful skills for actually adapting to the flow of the NT world for that kid - just how to repress who they are, so they fit in. In other words - ABA is successful for the NT world - not us. It actually depresses the shit out of me to think about how teachers and counselors view the rocking and flapping kid they’ve now trained to sit quietly in class feels like their work is successful. You didn’t help that kid - you BROKE them, you broke their spirit, you broke who they are. That makes me so angry. Same when these so called “star trainers” can force or intimidate any dog to performative good behavior. Same as the difference between how native Americans train their horses versus how Anglo Saxons or others did/do. In the native culture, we call it “gentling”. In AS culture *it is LITERALLY called “breaking”*. I’m not kidding - look it up.)

As for my personal “someday”....

Someday I’ll write a book about my adventures & struggles in life and what it was like inside my brain through each one. It’s not that I think I’m anything special, but I’ve been asked to do this, and the reasons were pretty logical. And I do love to write, usually. Or maybe it’ll be a book about how my autism is a HUGE advantage in “my line of work” (the dog thing...being sort of more of a dog/human “guidance counselor” than a trainer - since I hear your voice and feelings, and I also hear your dog’s, I’m less of a trainer and more of a bridge between the two. An interpreter, but also almost like a marriage counselor too LOL). I think that’s my biggest “someday” and the only one worth mentioning, because it’s such a huge goal...most of my other personal “someday” stuff, I eventually kinda go “well fucking why not TODAY, bish?!” and I just...DO it.

But generally, someday I hope it’s understood that no two autistic people are alike - but we share enough commonality that it’s possible to understand we’re basically in a different category of people from “normal”. Someday I hope NTs in general drop their stereotypes and get to know us one on one. Someday I hope people realize and understand that even nonverbals are whole ass human beings, with thoughts and dreams and opinions and a whole complex personality that you missed, because you were too busy judging the fact they can’t speak like you do.

Someday I hope you realize we *enhance* the human experience, we don’t detract from it. Someday I hope you realize we are not BROKEN, we are just different. Someday I wish you’ll stop being so smug and stuck up in your “normally functioning brain”, and stop PITYING us. For fucking what??? Experiencing life in a much more complex and deep way?? Bruh. We pity YOU, too. Your world perception often seems dull and wasteful. Limited. OPEN UP - there’s a whole universe out there that you haven’t even explored. So, someday I hope we can enhance each other’s human experience, like my friends and I do. I’d love to see that on a larger scale.

Someday.

[k7l4d4]

Blood for Blood: An Owl House Story Chapter 1 Part 5

Here’s part 5! Everybody clap your hands!!

Thunder and lightning crashed, illuminating the ominous visage of the building known only as The Conformatorium. Just the name made Luz want to retch.

Luz turned to Eda, a flat stare on her face. “You lied.” She should’ve known this was gonna happen. It was so obvious! The ominous name, the implied danger, it was all there! Eh, she would’ve done it anyway. 

“You said this would be a fun place, and you lied.” Ordinarily the bark of laughter she got from Eda would’ve served to annoy her, but right now? All Luz could think about was the thrill, the rush of the heist. “Alright, so what’s the game plan?” 

She drew back both arms and stretched them out, idly taking notice of the nearby bounty poster of Eda and- WOW that’s a lot of zeroes. Hmmm.... no, bad Luz, no contemplating turning in the nice witch lady for the reward money and breaking her out later. It never works.

“Well, kid.” Eda began, deftly snatching the poster off the wall and smugly stashing it in her nest of hair. She twirled her staff, generating a glowing platform before them. “You and King are gonna use this platform here to get to the top of the Conformatorium and make your way to the vault. I’m gonna go and cause a distraction so the two of you don’t get caught.” 

Luz nodded, it was a good plan, if a little basic, but Eda definitely had the look of experience that said she had done this sort of thing before. The huffs and grunts behind her, and Eda’s muffled laughter, caused Luz to turn her head, taking in the frankly, adorable sight of King struggling to lift himself on to the platform. 

With a snort, Luz flipped on her hood, best not to let anyone peg on to her being human right now, and smoothly lifted herself and King onto the platform.

With a flick of the wrist and a cheery salute, Eda sent them on their way. As the window that would serve as their entry point drew nearer, Luz tucked King under one arm, ignoring his protests of course, and prepped herself to jump. 

As the platform reached its apex, predictably just out of reach of the window, to Luz’s deadpan, Luz sprung into action. With an expert flip, and a self-reminder to thank Mami for insisting on Parkour lessons, Luz leapt through the window and stuck a three-point landing on the other side.

King blinked, struggling momentarily forgotten. “Huh. Gotta say, you got some good moves human.” What else could he say? King of Demons or not, he knew skill when he saw it, and this human girl had it in spades. He wondered where she learned though.

With a cheeky grin, Luz headed deeper into the prison. As she analyzed the environment around her, she never knew when she might need to know the layout of this place after all, Luz’s attention was drawn by a shout to the side.

“Hey, Cat Lady?” Did this vampire looking chick call her a- oh, wait, her hood. Right. “How’d you get out of your cell?” 

Eh, fair question, and she probably had a little time before Eda got a big enough ruckus going anyway. Even if King moved on ahead, it wasn’t like his tiny legs could carry him very far.

“Oh, I’m not a cat.” Luz replied, lightly tugging on her hood to show. She then made a move to take a closer look at the cells. “I’m not a prisoner either. I gotta ask, what did you guys even do to end up in a lovely place like this?” She made sure to inject enough sarcasm into her voice so that it didn’t go unnoticed, and by the smirks she got, the prisoners got it too.

The vampire-looking one let out a huff of bitter amusement, the kind you here from someone who’s so used to the crap life throws at them that they start to find it funny. 

“We didn’t fit in.” 

Whoa, back up. Her shock, and most likely anger must’ve shown on her face, ‘cause the prisoner elaborated. 

“Heh, you must be pretty new around here if you don’t know things work in Bonesburough. Me? I got locked up for writing fanfiction about food falling in love with each other.” There was no mistaking the bitter sadness in her voice, and on a side note, Luz was very interested in reading her work, but now wasn’t the time. 

The multi-eyed prisoner spoke up next, “I’m here because I like to eat my own eyes.” He liked to wha- oh, he literally popped out his eyes, swallowed them, and they grew back. Huh, a little creepy, but harmless, apparently. A muffled yelling could be heard coming form the last cell, which turning to revealed a small white creature that seemed to be all head. 

The fanfic prisoner piped up, dry amusement in her voice, “Yeah, she’s big on conspiracy theories, and really hates the government. She got so loud the guards rigged up a gag connected to her cell; it only opens when it’s time to eat, or the cell opens.” Now that? That was just cruelty.

“Yeah, none of those things are actual, you know, crimes, right?” The solemn nods she got cemented it. No way was she leaving these guys here. When you ran outside the law, you always accepted the risk that you would end up behind bars. 

These guys? They did NOTHING that would justify keeping them here, and there was no way Luz Noceda would stand for it either! With a grunt of anger, Luz rushed for the nearby switch to the cells, panting and yanking at it, silently cursing herself for neglecting her muscle training lately. Before she could make any headway, an ominous thumping started coming her way.

Luz quickly ducked into the nearest cell, shooting a grateful glance at the Fanfic Writer as she lightly pushed Luz further into the shadows to hide her. As the hulking, massive figure of what could only be Warden Wrath himself stepped into view, Luz felt a surge of blistering rage at the person responsible for these guys being stuck here. 

“I can hear you.” Jeez, even his voice sounded sadistic. What did this guy do, gargle hot lava for effect every morning?

“What are you fools whispering about? Ah... the Owl Lady.” Her murmured, catching sight of one of Eda’s posters on the ground, crushing it in his grasp. 

“She escaped me before, but she won’t this time.” Oh boy, this guy had it out for Eda specifically, meaning this whole thing was starting to feel a little trap-like. At the muffled shouts of the gagged Conspiracy Prisoner got louder, Wrath calmly stepped over to the switch for the cells. Luz didn’t like where this was heading.

Her fears were proven right as, upon being released, both from the cell and the gag, Tiny Nose instantly rushed Wrath and started feebly pelting his leg. In response, Wrath calmly bent down, and crushed Tiny Nose in his grip. 

As her stomach churned at the sadistic act, Luz idly noted his control to be able to leverage just enough force to hurt Tiny Nose without killing her.

“Let this be a lesson to you, there is no place in society if you can’t fit in.” And there was that blistering rage again. Hi Rage! Yeah, this guy had just upgraded himself from threat to someone who she was going to have to hurt. Sorry Eda, but there was no way Luz was leaving without giving this freak a lasting reminder of herself.

“Go on kid.” With the warden gone, the prisoners finally found their voices again. “Enjoy freedom for us.” With a sad smile, the Writer Prisoner insistently sent Luz on her way, adding yet another reason to put the hurt on Wrath before she was done. 

Sending one last sad glance back herself, Luz made her way over to a slightly worried King up ahead. She wasn’t having fun anymore. She just wanted to get this over with.

I was gonna make this the last part of chapter 1, but decided to split it into six instead. Everybody clap your hands!!

[narastories]

Happy 291st Birthday, Lord John Grey! - A Natal Chart Reading for our dearest English Lord

This is very different from what I usually share here. By now you are all aware that we are celebrating the 291st birthday of Lord John Grey of Outlander.

For this occasion I took it upon myself to do a natal chart reading for him.

This is astrology applied to a fictional character, you have been warned. Continue at your own discretion.

Disclaimers:

I am not an astrologer

This is made in the spirit of appreciation of this character and his story. The purpose of this is pure fun on my part and hopefully to entertain some of you as well. Plus, maybe to provide some character-study-style insight or inspiration.

The character of Lord John Grey belongs to Diana Gabaldon - duh 

John’s birth date is canon. The time has been arbitrarily chosen by me. Yes, it is important, because there are a lot of moving parts to a natal chart. I have literally cycled through the day by the hour, compared charts and decided on the one that I’ve found most fitting to his character. Which, is by the way best practice, when you do not know your or someone else’s exact birth time, but are somewhat familiar with their character. And considering that even if our dearest Lord John were an actual historical figure, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have his exact birth time from 1729, so I don’t feel bad about my process.

The examples I may give here are both from the books and the show, but nothing too specific that would be considered spoiler.

Lastly, this is all my interpretation both about the astrological meanings and of his character. Feel free to disagree with me. Politely, if you please.

So, in good Outlander time-travelling fashion let’s transport ourselves back to the day Lord John Grey was born and look up to the sky to see what it has to tell us.

Sun in Gemini

Lord John is a Gemini, which makes him clever and witty. He takes pride in his intellect and uses it to reach his goals. He is extremely adaptable, and instantly finds his footing in the most various settings, whether that’s London’s high society, a remote village in Scotland, or a two week fishing trip in the wilderness of the Colonies.

As someone born under the sign of the Twins there is a natural duality to his personality, that we can observe many times. He is capable of great tenderness, yet he can also be extremely fierce. Brutal is perhaps not the right word, but as much as he is a gentleman, we do see him engaged in physical fight, where he is by no means unskilled. You can’t say it’s always self-defense either.

He often has an internal conflict between heart and mind, between duty and emotion.

Geminis make good actors, and Lord John is exceptional in that too. He has to be as a gay man in the 18th century, which creates another duality between the life he’s supposed to live as a solider and as a Lord, a respected member of high-society and all the things he craves but has to hide.

As a Gemini he is a great communicator. Good with people, small talk comes easy for him, but engaging in a deep intellectual conversation is what really fires him up (Shakespear, anyone? :P) He is pleasant to be around and has a good sense of humour. His skills are diverse and he makes friends easily as he moves from one adventure to the other.

Geminis are prone to restlessness, which Lord John demonstrates beautifully by fidgeting with every little knick-knack that accidentally lands between his well-manicured hands. (Why does he stash them away in his pockets? I’m afraid astrology has no answer for his accidental kleptomania.)

His Sun is in the Ninth House of mental and physical explorations. Long journeys of the mind and the body are prominent in his life and essential to his personality. He speaks multiple languages and uses them to express himself on a very personal and natural level - aka swearing in the language most appropriate to the level of shit he’s gotten himself into this time.

Libra Rising

His rising sign is Libra, which sheds light on how he presents himself and what he wants to be known for. People with Libra Ascendant have natural grace and a good style. Lord John has all of that and finds himself often in the spotlight for it. He doesn’t have to struggle to be successful, but more than anything he wants to be known as a kind and loving person, and I would argue he succeeds in that.

His rising sign is important, because his natal chart is ruled by Venus, the planet of love and beauty. He has a romantic nature, and has the ability to connect with anyone, anywhere at any given time.

Libra rising people are said to be very attractive and compatible with almost anyone and as we say around here Lord John Grey would have chemistry with a lamppost.

This doesn’t just extend to romantic partners, although he is the happiest when in a romantic relationship. He puts others at ease and is genuinely likeable.

He feels obligated to balance the situations he finds himself in, therefore he is a natural diplomat always striving to harmonize and negotiate. It also makes him a good listener.

He has a great sense of fairness and injustice angers him. He is social, has a generally positive outlook on life and is inspired by nature and art.

Moon in Aquarius

The moon sign represents the hidden side of someone’s personality, their emotions, their needs. It is also jokingly referred to as the “drunk you”, so let’s see who Lord John is after a few glasses of good Scottish whiskey.

At first glance there is nothing scandalous here, Aquarius is the most favorable sign for the Moon to be in. This gives him sensitivity and good perception. He tries to understand others’ perspective, and is rather idealistic.

However, people with the Moon in Aquarius are prone to sudden outbursts. How many times does he put his foot in his mouth and gets punched or called out to a duel for it? Yeah…

He can also push other’s over the edge emotionally, exactly because he is so perceptive, which actually does happen when he is drunk. This is not out of malice, but either out of pure authenticity or just because he knows it will get the other person out of a place of stagnation.

He hides a rebellious, progressive and unconventional soul under that well-tailored waistcoat of his and it does come out sometimes.

Ideally he needs to have a healthy outlet for this, a partner who appreciates his sometimes idiosyncratic nature and occasional eccentricities. In turn he won't flinch in the midst of the most challenging situations, because he’s not afraid of chaos.

He wants to find solutions that work for everyone and can neglect his own needs in the process.

If that wasn’t enough air for you, he also has a-

Grand Fucking Trine in the air signs

Which is a pretty big deal. (Moon in Aquarius - Pluto in Libra - Neptune and Mars in Gemini)

These influences all help and strengthen each other. He has a brilliant mind, his Intellect is exceptional, he has a deep concern for law and duty, and an unusually sharp sixth sense of unearthing shocking revelations.

He has a magnetic personality, great ability to express himself, and therefore leaves a lasting impression on others. He is able to inspire and lead others and his need for harmony and cooperation makes him a great negotiator.

Lots and lots of air influence, which also means that in the battle of the mind and the heart unfortunately the mind wins and he lets his heart break instead.

Let’s get back to Venus and love for a sec.

With this much air in the chart for him everything starts in the mind. He experiences desire in the mind first. He must have a great intellectual connection with someone, before their relationship could blossom into a romance (Venus in Gemini). His entry point to sex is also through words (Mars in Gemini). Think about all the witty foreplay and low-key dirty talk in the LJG books. And also, khm chess games...

Where does that occasional intensity and dominance come from, you ask?

Well, he does have Uranus in Scorpio (semisquare Venus in Gemini, semisquare his Sun in Gemini) which would explain why he is not always displaying the lighthearted, fun, fleeting ways of a Venus-in-Gemini lover. He does have a lot of sexual partners. But then we’ve already established that he would have chemistry with a lamppost.

His chart is heavy on the 9th and 10th houses of long distance travel, career and public standing, and these are probably the most important aspects of his life. He is a comparatively lucky person, with a lively social life, charming personality and strong morality (Jupiter in Cancer).

His great trauma lies in what squares Neptune and Mars in the 9th house. There is an opposition between his sexuality and dreams, and what ideas he is allowed to express publicly. He is sensitive to what others think (Mercury in Cancer), picks up signals very well and is therefore acutely aware of what he can and cannot say.

Here lies the greatest disappointment and loss in his life (Saturn in Pisces). He chooses to make personal sacrifices for the benefit of others.

His Chiron is in the 7th house of partnership and marriage, which I also find interesting. This minor planet get’s called the Wounded Healer. It makes me think about what Claire and Jamie says about wounds and Lord John. And it also makes me think about his marriage.

Well, if that doesn’t make for an interesting personality, I don’t know what does. I hope this has been at least half as fun to read as it was to write. Let me know what you think.

[make-it-mavis]

Homesick (Entry #11)

(cw: drugs, assault, graphic violence) <-Previous | Next-> ----------

12/28/87     11:30 PM

Hey.

I’ve put this off for long enough. 

I’ve been stuck over how to write this part pretty much since my first entry. Now that it’s come to it, there seems no point in tip-toeing. It already happened. Recording it on a scrap of paper isn’t going to make a difference either way. 

So I’ll skip the sugar coating and euphemisms. I’ll just tell you what happened, exactly as I remember it.

I was almost done my sweep of the arcade, and I was really freakin’ tired. In every sense of the word, really. Still couldn’t sleep, still had no appetite. Boosts still had me high-strung and aggressive, but I was on the losing end of most brawls by that point. Too unhealthy, too distracted.

We both know I’m basically unstoppable, but you still had me almost at the end of my rope. Coming up empty just became more infuriating the longer I looked. It felt insulting, at that point, like multiple slaps to the face, like big ol’ reminders that you didn’t want me to find you. And I freakin’ hated you for it. I hated the crappy vengeful sprites you’d left me with, I hated how everything sucked and nothing was fun anymore, and I hated how I’d put so much freakin’ time and effort into looking for such a jackass. But I wasn’t about to let you beat me. I was ready to turn over every pixel of this place if I had to.

All that was left was Dragon’s Lair.

Before I go on, I feel the need to say. A good portion of the arcade took what you did as a threat to their very way of life. Sprites don’t very much like feeling threatened. They’ll do any number of stupid things to stop feeling that way, up to and including tearing the threat apart bit by bit. But you were already dead. How could they neutralize a dead threat? 

The little cowards needed someone living to act as a stand-in. They needed to delude themselves into thinking they weren’t powerless, that they could effectively block an attack that had already landed.

Guess who they picked.

Before I went to Dragon’s Lair, I made sure to snag a Boost. That castle is a glitch and a half. I knew I’d have to be on my game in there or I’d get lost or possibly chopped to pieces. 

I still got lost. I swear, all the rooms look the same. 

I don’t remember most of the endeavor, other than a blur of blades and armor and a big pissy dragon shooing me from its hoard. It ended up taking almost all night -- I wanted to be thorough, because there were so many places to hide, and it was the last game, so if I didn’t find you there, well… I just couldn’t come out empty-handed.

I ended up taking too long, and my Boost wore off. Crashing in that castle could easily be a death trap, so I was relieved to make it out before the crash fully hit. But that was really the only thing worth celebrating. I still hadn’t found you, and I had nowhere left to look. I was at a loss. I was pissed. I was miserable. For once, I was in no mood for flying. So I just walked along the path through the woods. Slowly. Dull, lethargic, and off my guard. I might as well have painted a huge target on my back.

And damn if they didn’t hit bullseye. 

I was tackled face down on the ground and blindfolded. I thrashed as hard as I could, but the tackler was too big and sturdy. I think she said some crap while she twisted my arms back, but it got drowned out by screaming and shouting and growling and barking -- she brought canine friends with her. Three of them.

I managed to hear her rasp an order to take my tools away. I felt a drooly mouth hook the handle of my paint can and hold it somewhere close by. I took offense to that. I hit her with a dozen colorful threats, all of which I meant fully, but she stuffed my hat in my mouth. 

She started to drag me by my hair while the dogs followed closely with my bucket and brush in their mouths. She grumbled nonsense to herself the whole way, when she wasn’t yanking my hair and demanding I stop struggling. As if I could just go limp and let her take me. I just knew we were going away from the path, into the woods. I also knew that once we went in, I’d likely never come out. 

If the sprite pulling my hair wanted to kill me, she would get away with it in there. No one would know. No one would ask.

Hardly anyone would even care, I thought.

When she finally ended up dropping me, she began to speak clearly enough for me to hear. I’m going to be paraphrasing a bit here. Hearing her out wasn’t really my priority at the time, and her voice and words were erratic and rushed -- she was definitely hopped up on something. But I can give the gist of what I remember, which is actually a lot. Unfortunately.

The first things I remember her saying were along the lines of:

“Surge Protector should’ve just let you burn. If the SP won’t protect us, we’ll protect ourselves. Should’ve done this a long time ago. A long time ago.” Then she just kept hissing under her breath, “Should’ve let you burn.” 

I’d been writhing like my life depended on it, because it probably did. I’d been screaming against my gag as hard as I could, hoping that maybe someone in the castle would hear, or anyone at all. But my lungs still weren’t in great condition, and I went into a coughing fit, face down on the ground with my mouth blocked up. I thought I was going to suffocate until she kicked me onto my back. I could breathe just enough if I kept still and quiet.

So I tried to just listen. Take a deep breath and feel where my tools were. Try to map the scene out as best as I could. 

I felt one of the dogs carry my brush over to her. She flipped it around in her hand -- and I use the word ‘hand’ generously, because whatever it was, it was hard, clammy, and prickly -- as she obviously tried to figure out how it worked.

I wanted to puke. Having any of them touch my brush was disgusting and humiliating and violating. I couldn’t stand being so helpless to it. But I also knew that if she was stupid enough to try to use it, I might glitch out of the ropes. Then I could hand her ass to her and get the heck out of there.

She did try to use the brush, of course. No dumbass can resist. But, naturally, the one time I actually wanted that full-body glitch response, it didn’t happen. When she pulled a stroke through the air, my legs flickered free, but that was it. 

All I had time to do was kick her shin hard enough to knock her off her feet. 

In any other situation, I could have worked with that. I’d have been upright in a second, you know I would have. That could have been my ticket out of there. But those freakin’ dog things. They were on me before she even hit the ground.

This is normally my favorite part of telling a story, you know. This would be the start of that real gross, juicy scene that’s so good at hooking the audience. But there’s no audience for quietly writing in a notebook. There’s just me, and I already know how it ends. This isn’t fun.

Better just get it over with.

They tore my legs apart. All three dogs at once. 

I fought hard, I really did. Even managed to kick out a couple yelps at first. But I was completely prone. Practically laid out on a platter. They clamped down on my thighs and calves with their steel-trap teeth and just… ripped. Whipped their heads around. Twisted and pulled. Tried to strip me to the bone.

At the time, I was absolutely certain that was how I’d die. Eaten alive.

It wasn’t until I received a swift kick in the ribs that the assault on my legs ended and the dogs backed off. I could only imagine the damage that had been done. In my mind, I could see my legs strewn across the dirt in bloody ribbons, with chunks hanging off my bones like an unfinished dinner. But all I could really make out down there was a mess of feverish throbbing. They were hot, they were quivering, and they were limp. Useless. 

The ring leader just kept kicking and stomping with her freakishly pointy feet, screaming about something or other that I couldn’t pay attention to. I felt things pop and crack, and she hit me in the gut so hard that I dry-heaved a few times. But the pain just didn’t register on the level that it was probably meant to. It seemed like my legs had burned through so much pain, there wasn’t any left for the rest of my body.

And then, her disgusting, bizarre, jagged mouth closed on my brush, and those creepy, hard hands grabbed onto my ankles and yanked me forwards. I didn’t enjoy that. 

But at least there was any leg left to grab onto, right?

She was dragging me again. I don’t know why, or if there was a reason at all, beyond messing with me. I mean, it worked. I wasn’t too thrilled about it. Then, along the way, my head hit some wicked knot in the ground, and… I guess I was knocked loopy, briefly. I blacked out.

Next thing I remember was being briskly smacked on the cheek a few times. The ring leader told me not to fall asleep, that I wasn’t off the hook just yet.

I still had no idea where we were, but they had sat me up enough to tie my torso back against a tree. They left my legs untied, but why bother? They took the kick out of me already.

Just to be especially cruel, the ring leader painfully sat in my lap. My brush was in her hand again at that point, and she was gripping it hard enough to hurt, hard enough to make her arm shake. Then she started talking so close to my face that I could feel her rancid garbage breath on my cheeks.

I remember something like, “We were all there, at the memorial. We saw the fireworks. We all saw you proclaim your loyalty to that murderer. You and your little boyfriend cooked up this plan together, didn’t you? And the only reason you’re still alive,” she grabbed my nose and shook it, “is ‘cause it’s not done yet. Ain’t that right? You’re gonna take another game down if no one deals with you. So we will. We’re just here to do the arcade a favor.”

She paused for a long time. I kind of get the impression, looking back, that she finished the speech she had practiced in the mirror that morning, and had to move off-script.

Eventually, she said, “We know. We know you knew. There’s no way you didn’t know he was gonna do this.” 

And then, she cracked. Struck me hard across the face with my brush. Started screaming:

“YOU KNEW! YOU KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! YOU COULD’VE DONE SOMETHING! BUT YOU DIDN’T! YOU LET THIS HAPPEN!” 

She hit me again. And again, and again.

“SPRITES DIED! HE KILLED DOZENS OF SPRITES, AND YOU DON’T EVEN CARE! YOU DON’T EVEN CARE! YOU WERE IN ON IT! YOU COULD HAVE STOPPED IT! BUT YOU JUST LET HIM DO IT! YOU LET THEM ALL DIE! YOU EVEN LET HIM DIE! YOU LET YOUR PRECIOUS HOMICIDAL MANIAC DIE! HE’S DEAD! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?! IT MEANS GONE FOR GOOD! FOREVER! HE’S DEAD! THEY’RE ALL DEAD! AND THAT’S ON YOU! IT’S ON YOU!!”

And she just went on like that. Screaming and hitting.

There was a nasty, sharp sting to every hit, which I recognized immediately. You might have noticed, at some point, that the metal cuff on my brush has kind of a sharp ridge at its seam. It’s enough to break the skin if you use it right, and apparently, she did. I could feel wetness on my cheeks. She grabbed my face and took a closer look, the rusty gears in her head creaking.

Then she tried to pry off the cuff. Just with her nails, or claws, or… whatever she had that was small, pointy, and painful.

I was too overwhelmed to even hear my own thoughts anymore. I was blind, tied up, probably about to die, with a crazed stranger trying to pry off what might as well have been my fingernail. I should have kept quiet, should have never let on how much it hurt, but I just… couldn’t. I screamed, I struggled. Offered up a dead giveaway. And that freakin’ low-life sadist, she figured it out. Those rusty gears clicked together. Hard.

Next thing I knew, one of the dogs had my brush. She told me that if I did what she said, she’d call off her friends, and “make this quick.” She basically wanted me to ‘confess’, I guess for her own sick satisfaction. High-as-balls dumbass forgot she gagged me. Started slamming my head back against the tree, screaming “SPEAK UP!” 

I’d never been so completely vulnerable as I was then. The majority of my code was completely at their mercy. My paint can was knocked over somewhere, with cold noses sniffing at it, and dull claws scratching at it. The mouth holding my brush just kept rocking up and down, chattering its teeth against it like it was some freakin’ chew toy. Just squeezing tighter and tighter.

I could see what was coming. I could feel it deep in my gut. But there was nothing I could do.

And, well… I was scared.

So much that something inside me broke. I didn’t cave and do what she said, no. That wouldn’t have stopped her, not when she so clearly enjoyed making me suffer. I did the unthinkable. When she finally pulled my hat from my mouth, screaming, 

“IT’S YOUR FAULT! YOU DESERVE THIS! SAY IT!” 

I just… started begging.

I apologized. Swore that I didn’t know, and apologized again. Begged them to do literally anything else, even just kill me right then and there. I pleaded like a pathetic weakling, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t the answer they were looking for.

And then... I hate this. I hate this. Why am I doing this? Why’d you leave all this behind for me to deal with? Why aren’t you here right now? Why am I pretending you can hear any of this stuff that I don’t even want to say? 

Why am I making a half-assed attempt at stalling myself? What does any of it matter anymore?

They broke my brush. 

Snapped the handle in half.

I thought having my legs torn apart was the worst pain I’d ever experienced. This? This made that seem loving. It was like a sledgehammer, like a massive impact that split a deep, spiderwebbed, searing hot fracture in my code, and I felt the very breath of my life blow out through the cracks. My eyes just gushed with water, and an iron vice around my lungs and throat nearly strangled me. But out of nowhere, it let go, and I could breathe, and I could scream. I think Litwak himself must have been able to hear my blood-curdling shriek. 

With one word from the ring leader, those flea-bitten mongrels finished the job. Tore the rest of my brush to complete shreds. And I felt every last pixel of it. They ripped out the bristles, they crunched the wood to splinters, they wrenched off the cuff and mangled it. My sprite could barely keep it together -- I felt my code bending a dozen ways it was never supposed to, and I felt my body flickering like crazy, but, still, it wasn’t enough to free me. All I could do was take it.

Once she finally called them off, I’d screamed myself into another coughing fit. I was drenched in sweat. My whole body felt broken. It felt like my code was bleeding. But, hey, wouldn’t y’know it, she wasn’t freakin’ done.

She had one of her lackeys bring her the cuff. Against the shape of her hand, I could feel just how crushed and warped it was. It was raw as an open wound. Just having her hold it was painful. But then she bent it open, which basically felt like breaking my fingers over backwards, so that was nice. She sort of straightened it into a strip and got that serrated edge that she had been after before.

At that point, she was quiet for a minute. I had no idea what she was doing, but I have to wonder if she was just sitting back and enjoying… you know, being in her position. Like it was fun to just make me wait in fear of what else might be done to me. Or listen to whatever pathetic noises I might have been making. Eventually, she tut-tutted. Then, in a sweet and crooning and disgusting voice, she said, “Aw, baby girl, what’s the matter? Did we make you sad? Well, I’m sorry. But you don’t need your little rainbow toys anymore. You showed your true colors already. Sorry -- true color. Loud n’ proud.”

Then she pushed the edge of that mangled cuff against my cheek, slashed, and smeared my blood with her creepy fingers. After doing it once more, she said, “And you know what? I’ll help you wear that color to your grave. It’s what he would’ve wanted, don’t you think?” 

Then she just… you know, sliced up my face. Smeared my blood around like she was finger painting. It didn’t hurt that much, not relatively, but that was kind of the worst part. It was too gentle. All it said to me was that something worse was coming. The anticipation was torture, and she knew it -- she took her sweet-ass time, like she was carving a sculpture. There came a point that she cut so low, I was sure she was on her way to slitting my throat. Honestly? Part of me hoped she would. Everything would be over.

What actually happened was far less kind.

She instructed her friends to tend to my paint bucket. The feeling of their feet shuffling around it made my blood run cold. But once again, what could I have done to stop them? The ring leader wasn’t even trying to tease me with mercy anymore. She just told me I had one last chance to die an honest sprite.

Even if I wanted to tell the lie that she called the truth, I couldn’t have. I couldn’t muster any words that weren’t pleas for her to stop. The creep just sat and listened, and that drove me crazy. I totally lost control. The pleading turned to screaming. I thrashed hard, too, put up some semblance of a fight with the strength I had left. Didn’t matter, though. Once she got bored of the show, that was it.

She grabbed the clothes on my chest, and growled, “You’re just as bad as he was,” while she cut and ripped them away -- I assume because she was a high whack-job dumbass who didn’t realize I have freakin’ buttons. Then she put the sharp edge against my chest, told me to stay still for her, and called out,

“Game on, boys!”

Then... Well. It’s hard to find the words here. Everything just kind of… erupted.

My paint can was destroyed. Split open. Crunched, scratched, bent, punctured, everything you’d expect from a team of junkyard dogs. For the first few seconds, the pain was indescribable. But it transformed into something worse. My system was overloaded, or something -- like my code was not written to process that much damage. It felt like my insides turned to acid. My body twisted and jerked against my will. My head pounded against the tree. My arms fought the rope, every joint threatening to pop out. My legs jumped and kicked at the dirt. I just... convulsed. 

It felt like my code was being peeled out line by line. I glitched so widely and rapidly that I didn’t know what pixel of me was where. My senses cut in and out, kind of like I was struggling to keep my head above water. Whatever I could hear quickly cut into static and distorted audio. And then my vision flooded with threads of binary, until all I could see was blue.

I don’t know if I screamed. I don’t know if I could even breathe. It’s really hard to remember from here. The world just stopped making sense.

I remember emotions, but like... every possible emotion at once. Kind of like they were all pushing and shoving to get through the same door, and… I don’t know, like screaming, laughing, wailing, singing, swearing, crying, all layered into one sound.

I remember seeing images. Like, split-second frames of memory, as if all my code’s worth of data was firing at once. There must have been hundreds. As far as I can remember… I saw a moment from an Excitebike ride. I saw half-eaten Burger Time from Devs know when. I saw one of the drones from that old unplugged space game with the robot birds. I saw your game’s bleachers. I saw your fridge. I saw your garage. I saw you driving. So many times, I saw you laughing.

Really, the recurring theme was you.

Everything fell away into blinding, pulsing blocks of color, ones I could hear and smell and taste and feel, penetrating everything in this endless loop of red-orange-yellow, red-orange-yellow, over and over and over, until…

Nothing.

That’s as far as I can remember. I don’t know when I passed out.

But I do remember waking up. 

Somehow, after all that, I woke up. Maybe you saw it coming, given I’m here to write to you now, but I survived. I survived all that.

I’d love to brush that off and say “Takes more than that to kill Make-it Mavis,” but, the thing is, they could have. They had me right there, in the palms of their creepy hand things. They could have gotten their revenge and deleted me for good, with no consequences. Why they didn’t, I tried not to question too terribly. Though it would come back to gnaw at me on quiet nights.

When I came to, I didn’t realize I was awake at first, or that I was even alive. I just saw little sparks of binary behind my eyelids. Then, slowly, the rest of my senses came back. Every pixel of my sprite was pulsing. I was freezing cold. My head felt split, my ribs ached, my chest burned, my legs were ravaged, my tools were destroyed and strewn around me -- I must have had barely a decimal of HP left, but it was enough. 

I was lying on the ground. Maybe they untied me, or I finally glitched out of the ropes, but either way, I was free when I woke up. But it still felt like I couldn’t move. There was this rock in the pit of my stomach telling me that this was all a trick, that they would be on me again if I so much as opened my eyes. I listened for so long, but all I heard was the pounding in my ears and distant clanging coming from the castle. They were gone, and the arcade was open. Had been for some time, as it turned out. So I opened my eyes and tried to make sense of my situation.

I saw the cuff of my brush first. It was lying right next to my face, all twisted and chewed, one end covered in dried up blood. The rest of my brush was scattered over the dirt, bristles and all, and my paint can was warped and split and gnawed up nearby. There was no paint in it anymore, just buzzing and flickering sheets of binary.

My hat was close by, all crumpled up and caked in dry spit. My smock had been completely removed and torn to pieces. I still had my tank top, but it was a little worse for wear. Of course, my pants were ripped too, to say the least.

Contrary to what I thought, my legs didn’t end up looking like chicken dinner. But they still looked like a horror game. Under better circumstances, it would have been pretty wicked to see -- they were all flushed and swollen in parts, and there were these nasty-looking bloody wounds on deep purple welts, some still weeping. 

My chest, too, was covered in dry and fresh blood, but I couldn’t see enough of the wound to understand what it was, in the state I was in. So, when I figured out how to move, first thing I did was drag myself enough to reach my bucket. Touching it felt like punching a bruise, but it was still just reflective enough to be a makeshift mirror. So I saw, all skewed and backwards, what that scummy sadist freak saw fit to brand me with.

There, carved shoulder-to-shoulder, in big, glistening, deep red letters, was your name.

[existdissolve]

Serendipity in Openness

For most of my life I’ve been a closed door. If you had met me even six months ago (maybe even sooner!), you wouldn’t have met me: you would have met a shadow, a facade, an image. I didn’t project this to deceive or mislead; it was just in my DNA. Or so I told myself.

You’re an introvert. No one is that interested. Make this short and sweet and GET OUT OF THERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

This was my modus operandi for interactions with pretty-much-everyone. Not too deep, not too personal, just enough to be pleasant and civil and perhaps even friendly. But that’s where the line is drawn.

Not surprisingly, this kind of approach to relationships and general interactions with the other humans doesn’t lead to a whole lot in the way of fulfilling relationships or meaningful friendships. It’s safe. And boring. Just like I felt myself to be. And so the cycle plays...

But then a funny thing happened. I went to Iceland. While there, I decided to take a 4-day trek in the highlands.

I originally wanted to do the trek completely by myself (please refer to paragraph #1 for a refresher of why). But as I researched it, the time of year I was going turns out to be a pretty good time of year to get yourself dead if you don’t know what you’re doing or where you’re going. So then, I opted for the “guided” version of the trek.

Among others, a major implication of participating in a guided tour is that there are other people who are probably interested in doing the same thing. As it turns out, 15 other people happened to make the same plans that I did. When I found this out, I admit I was a bit hesitant. The thought of hiking, eating, and sleeping with 15 strangers in constant close quarters was not appealing. My mind immediately went to its defaults, trying to come up with strategies to cope for four days of deflection, self-deprecation, and finding ways to be as close to a ghost as possible.

But then something changed.

I’m not entirely sure what inspired the change. Maybe it was the thrill of fulfilling my dream (finally!!!) of going to Iceland, or the excitement of my very first international trip, or quantum something...whatever the reason, a hitherto unknown person inside of me decided to try something radical, something crazy: I would actually try interacting with people!

I know, I know. It’s a very NOVEL idea. But for me, it was scary and intimidating and intriguing and eventually something I committed to do, even though every instinct screamed bloody murder.

I have many blog entries to write about my experiences with the group of people I met and came to befriend. Someday I will get to it. But I don’t exaggerate when I say that the time we shared and the lessons I learned by being open to companionship, to friendship, to the unknown brought about real change within me.

It was such a transformative experience that I brought the experience home with me, and I’m trying very hard every day to put the same principles into practice in all that I do. I’ve found, as the title of this post indicates, that it can lead to serendipity in the big and small moments of life, if only one is only and simply open to it.

A New Pair of Shoes

About a year ago, I desperately needed a new pair of shoes, as the bits of canvas and leather that had valiantly tried to retain their form had recently given up their ghost to the unrelenting ravages of entropy.

Not being one who has ever been accused of having any sense of fashion, I made my semi-annual pilgrimage to the shoe seller to find something of good quality, sensible utility, and (of course) reasonable pricing. I browsed the aisles and aisles of complicated choices, trying to find the one that would check all the boxes.

And then I saw them. This pair of shoes seemed to call out to me. I picked them up, measured their weight, felt the stitchings.

Hmm. This is a NICE pair of shoes. Really nice!

Then I looked at the price.

Oof. Well, I guess not these.

I continued on, searching and searching. Nothing stood out to me, nothing seemed of any particularly good value, and I kept thinking about those damn shoes.

Ok, maybe I’ll just try them on. They’re probably quite uncomfortable.

Wrong. Dead wrong. These shoes were AMAZING. They seemed to cradle my feet perfectly, and the inside lining was soft enough to provide comfort without being stuffy and hot. And when I started actually walking around in them, my fate was sealed.

These are just right. I really like these shoes!

Ah, but the price... They were definitely well above what I wanted to pay for a pair of shoes. I argued with myself for a few minutes, trying to justify and rationalize why I should or shouldn’t buy them.

In this eternal war between head and heart, my heart won one of its rare battles. I bought the shoes. I stopped justifying the purchase to myself. They brought me joy and were something that I liked, even if no one else ever noticed.

That was enough.

On With the Story!

If you’re following along, I have new shoes and a new found commitment to being open to experiences, relationships and whatever else the universe is cooking up. Caught up? Good.

The finale of this story brings me to the present day. In my quest to continue decluttering and de-possessing myself of things, I cleared out two full boxes of clothes. Unlike my books, I had no trouble with this purge; the decisions were easy, not only because none of the clothes I own are of any particular value, but even more because of sheer necessity: fitting all my “daily use” possessions into a small office closet, as opposed to half of an entire walk-in closet :)

I decided to take my newly-boxed clothes to Goodwill. My day at work had been hectic, so I didn’t arrive until nearly closing time. I was afraid that drop-offs had been closed up already, but I rang the bell anyway.

I waited a minute, and then someone emerged from the receiving bay and waved at me.

Ok. Here we go. A chance to be open. To be friendly. To care and see what happens if I do.

The person who greeted me was an incredibly nice guy, probably 15 years younger than me. He smiled, said hello. I returned the smile, and the greeting...and then I just started talking. It wasn’t anything deep and personal; I didn’t say or ask anything profound. I just showed interest, trying to explore the notion of being open to the now.

We didn’t talk for long. A few minutes, maybe. It was enjoyable, just letting the moments happen, not walling off, just seeing what will be. And then something quite strange and remarkable and unexpected happened.

Completely out of the blue, without any contextual provocation, he said something:

Hey...I really dig your shoes.

I looked down at my feet.

Of course. I’m wearing those shoes.

Serendipity

I was surprised. I was shocked, actually. I couldn’t figure out what to say. The old demons in me that tend toward self-deflection and self-deprecation rose up fiercely, sensing danger or risk or whatever in that moment, beseeching me to fly away.

But an even more powerful energy was at work as well. I felt...gratified! Not being someone who gives much thought to fashion or appearance, it hadn’t actually ever occurred to me that receiving such a compliment could be such a validating experience. In that instant, a line was drawn connecting this moment with the silly struggle I had picking out a pair of shoes, and the compliment was a rewarding validation of the personal value I had imbued in my selection.

Ok, look, I understand: this isn’t life-transformative stuff. It’s just a compliment about a pair of shoes. But for me, in that moment, it was revelatory of a deeper principle and truth. If I had gone to defaults, if I had walled off, if I had just kept my head down and completed the logistics of the transaction, I would have missed something. That something wasn’t monumental, but it was life-giving in its own small way. 

I am learning that this openness, this willingness to be present, this active seeking out of opportunities to connect...it carries with it an energy and power that is difficult to pin down or articulate, but is nevertheless impossible to deny. As I (imperfectly) seek to pursue this stance, I am daily finding moments of serendipity and happiness that would have otherwise been out of reach. And the best part is that these moments of surprise emerge organically; I don’t have to work myself to death trying to manufacture them. The energy of openness paves the way, smoothes the path, and swings wide the doors to vistas of possibilities that would otherwise be inaccessible. 

[paulsebastiani-blog]

Sports media internship

Entry One: Preparedness and assimilation 

Transition into professional practice helped enormously in my ability to understand what to expect when entering a professional media environment. 

This subject in semester one taught me how to communicate professionally and understand the values of an organisation prior to applying for our internships.

The foundation I had leading into internships this semester was very strong. The four years spent at the Northern Blues as a media officer coupled with the theoretical component of transition to professional practice had me very confident of my ability to make an immediate impact with SEN and the Herald Sun. 

One aspect I found myself under prepared for well before the first semester this year was my resume and cover letter writing. 

With the guidance of lecturer Robbie Coyle I was able to create a comprehensive resume as well as a cover letter to enhance my prospects of getting the internship I desired. 

Another area I felt I lacked in was how to handle the interview process with prospective employers.

The STAR technique above assisted me in handling my interviews with the internship partners. Here I was able to definitively layout my experiences to prove to the prospective employer I could handle myself in the professional workplace. 

Furthermore, the assimilation into workplace culture with both the Herald Sun and SEN/Croc Media was very smooth. Two of my biggest passions are conversing and writing about AFL and Horse Racing of which both sports are held in high regard at both organisations. 

One of the reasons I decided to choose both these organisations to do my internship at was because prior to commencing the internship I felt the values between them and I were a congruent fit. 

Taylor (2004) contends culture is created from messages received about how people are expected to behave in your organisation.  

At both organisations it was expected that you understood and spoke about to sport in order to assimilate into the workplace environment. 

Taking in the attitude of understanding that workplaces will have a general culture but is made up of different types of people I believed helped me gain popularity in both offices. 

Understanding how people communicate differently was also an important part of assimilating in work place culture. At the Herald Sun there was less communication about the work they wanted to be complete, it was more an expectation that you would understand what needed to be written. 

At SEN there was a little bit more guidance and it felt like a family inside the office. A small team who are very close and love to socialize while doing their work, whereas the Herald Sun was a very professional culture. 

I found I was able to fit into both environments quiet nicely. 

REFERENCES: 

Taylor, C 2004, ‘The Power of culture: turning the soft stuff into business advantage’, The Power of culture: driving today’s organisation, 1st edn., McGraw-Hill, NSW. 

Enterprise 2019, ‘Tips on using the STAR technique to answer job interview questions’, Enterprise, viewed 1 October 2019, https://careersblog.enterprise.co.uk/tips-on-using-the-star-technique-to-answer-job-interview-questions/

Entry Two: Finding my feet 

The initial first few weeks at both SEN and the Herald Sun were full of nervous energy. 

At SEN it was all about understanding the program they use to write their online content with and how they promote the content via their social media strategy. 

At the Herald Sun it was understanding how to frame the most newsworthy articles from AFL club press conferences. 

On my first articles at SEN was an article about Melbourne Storm captain Cameron Smith as seen below. 

This was a great milestone for me to have my work published on a professional media organisation’s website. 

Despite this putting a big grin on my face, it was the first article I ever had published in the Herald Sun that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. 

On my second day at the biggest circulating newspaper in the country I was assigned the job of heading down to the Essendon Football Club in Tullamarine. The goal was to get a story from their press conference headed by senior coach John Worsfold. 

This was the final product below. 

In my first two days there I was not really sure whether my work would be of a high enough standard to be published for the Herald Sun. 

Thankfully, my doubts quickly turned into jubilation. A good grounding for writing as a result of the learnings undertaken in my course and prior writing experience at the Northern Blues held me in good stead.

One of the more challenging parts at the start of the SEN internship was my ability to hook the audience into clicking on my articles by using social media. 

At first I struggled to not give away the story on the social media post. However, as I progressed through the first handful of weeks I began to understand how the content managers wanted the posts to be formulated. 

One of the better social media posts I published was after I had written the match report for the Western Bulldogs vs Essendon game at Marvel Stadium. The Bulldogs had won comfortably but the story was about Essendon. 

The post gained 404 likes and 130 comments in addition to over 1000 clicks on the actual article. 

Finally, one of the first things I tried to do in the initial stages of both internships was to introduce myself to everyone I saw in the office and tell them what exactly my role there was. I found this helpful because it helped others understand you are new to the office and you may need to ask questions 99% of people working there already know the answer to. 

Being confident to ask questions when I was unsure was something I tried really hard to do upon starting my internships. 

Entry Three: Being an effective team member 

This was an integral part of whether or not my time spent as an intern at both organisations was a success. 

I believe the foundation of becoming an effective team member in a media organisation is effective communication with staff and management. 

One example which helped me be an effective team member at SEN was my level of communication and informing other team members exactly what I was working on. 

There was a morning where a horse racing story broke about a fraud case which I suggested I would work on. As I was publishing the article one of the other team members suggested it might be a good idea to write the article about the fraud case. 

It was at this point where I communicated to the team member that I was already working on the article and was about to publish it. This avoided any double ups and wasted time on an article that had already been written. 

This article was the most clicked/viewed article I wrote for the SEN racing team during my time there. It reached approximately 10,000 clicks on the SEN website. 

Furthermore, my time at Herald Sun involved weekly football meetings in a conference room at the Herald Sun sport offices. 

Here it was expected we would arrive with pen and paper in hand by 10:30am every Tuesday morning to jot down the main issues and areas of focus for the upcoming week of football. 

It was also expected that I contribute in the meeting which I did on all occasions. This is where I suggested I would head out to Alastair Clarkson’s press conference to try and formulate an article about Hawthorn. 

At that point in time they were at the forefront of the news with Clarkson being approached by Carlton and veteran player Shaun Burgoyne being courted by the Gold Coast Suns.

However, given my news sense I wanted to take a different angle and tell a different story to the one most people already knew. 

This is what I eventually contributed to the AFL writing team at the Herald Sun for Saturday’s newspaper. 

Entry Four: Challenges 

Just like any new adventure there are always challenges. 

One of the main challenges during my internships was my ability to always be keeping an eye on attention to detail. 

Whether that be filing stories to write the person/editor, ensuring all my grammar and punctuation is correct, ensuring I spell names correctly, and ensuring all my research and statistical evidence used in my articles is accurate and up to date. 

One of the challenges faced during my time at the Herald Sun and SEN is time management. 

My ability to set out a rigid routine to set up my day is still a work in progress. It is something I am trying to continually getting better at. 

Tracy (2014) contends those who manage their time well are able to confident, positive and in control of their lives. 

Tracy (2014) also highlights how self-esteem can be determined by how you use your life and time in the development of your full potential. Tracy (2014) goes on to state that there is a two-pronged effect here where your self-esteem increases the more efficient you are and decreases the less efficient you are. 

This was definitely clear in my first day out on the field at Tullamarine with the Herald Sun. Although I was excited for the job ahead of writing an article, the pressure of making sure I used my time wisely saw me stumble a bit. I was unsure of the lead for the story. 

Here I remained calm, set aside 15 minutes to listen back to the audio of the press conference and from there finished my first article within an hour of the press conference finishing. 

When my article went to print the following day my confidence levels spiralled upwards. 

One of best pieces of educational content I have listened to about challenges is in the above video from clinical psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson. 

Using this to motivate me in times of hardship during my internship and especially during a tough year in my personal life has allowed me to face my challenges head on. 

Another specific challenge I faced during my internships was having the confidence to suggest new ideas. 

Being a novice in the industry and relatively inexperienced compared to those employees who have been in the media industry full-time for decades, suggesting new ideas an intern was at times daunting. 

For me, it was purely based on the idea I did not know how the ideas would be received. 

But it was at this point that I rose to the occasion. 

While creating content for SEN Racing, during the Melbourne Cup parade I suggested it would be a good idea to get a quick snap shot of each owner/trainer/connection and compile a video of all of them. 

My content manager Andrew Slevison thought the idea was great and the video ended up reaching over 3,000 views. 

We were then able to use the quick interview I had with Craig Williams and post it as a seperate video after he won the Melbourne Cup on Vow and Declare. 

It was great to see my idea being utilised in more than one way.

References

Tracy, B 2014, Time Management, AMACOM, 20 January, viewed 10 September 2019, https://ebookcentral-proquest-com.ezproxy.holmesglen.edu.au/lib/holmesglen/reader.action?docID=1390903

You need to be challenged in life - Jordan Peterson | Motivational video 2018, online video, 8 August, created by WisdomTalks, viewed 1 June 2019, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mEhrcLYdUA

Entry Five: Achievements 

There were many achievements to list during my time as an intern at both the Herald Sun and SEN. 

The first achievement that comes to mind and will be with me throughout my media career is the first article I ever had published in the Herald Sun. 

To have my work published in the biggest circulating newspaper in the country was a surreal moment and one that I will cherish for a long time. 

It was an article about Essendon Football Club captain Dyson Heppell coming back from a footy injury. 

To have nearly a half page of my work go into the newspaper was a very special moment. 

My family even the cut the article and have kept it as a memento. 

Another huge achievement of mine was again for the Herald Sun. 

This time it was completing a major project in conjunction with the Herald Sun’s graphic designer. 

We were required to complete a comprehensive Brownlow Medal form guide over a double spread of the top 15 players in the betting markets. 

It was a two week project which required me to research and punch in all the statistics and my own comments about how each player went in every round they played. 

From here I supplied a tip about whether or not a player would be likely to poll three votes, poll two or one or not poll at all. 

Below is the final product and Gary Lyon off SEN even used it as his form guide for his Monday morning breakfast radio show! 

For my own career development, one of the biggest achievements was a series of events that occurred while working for SEN. 

For the entire spring carnival I worked closely with head of SEN Racing and executive producer Trent Masenhelder. 

It was an absolute joy to immerse myself in the cut and thrust of the spring carnival and understand the work ethic and standard required to be an efficient producer, broadcaster and journalist. 

My week would involve ticking off a racing tips preview where Andrew Slevison and I would run our eyes over the form guide and give the SEN audience our best bets for feature races over the spring carnival. 

It would then see me head to the race track and usually right around two to three articles per race meeting. One of the main feature race and the rest a summation of other races that had occurred on the day. 

Our coverage of the Melbourne Cup parade was also a great achievement of mine. And getting to interview the subsequent winning trainer and jockey of the race that stops a nation was very special. Not too sure how many interns can tick that off their list... 

Entry Six: Career aspirations 

Heading into the internship I had my eyes set on finding a full-time career in one of either the AFL or horse racing industry as a journalist/caller/presenter. 

My passion to work for both industries burns even brighter after my internships. 

Immersing myself so deeply into the spring carnival for three months has swayed me towards heading into the horse racing industry to start my career. 

Being a race caller or an AFL commentator has always been a dream, but the pathway for me at the moment would be to slot into the racing industry through a digital content role. 

Essentially, my short term goal is to quickly become a full-time employee in the horse racing media industry. 

Medium term would be to progress to television or video content as a tipster, form analyst, presenter and or writer. 

Long term I would love to progress to being a commentator full-time as my job. 

At the moment I have applied for two jobs with Racing.com and plan to sit down with them to discuss my career and where I see myself heading in the racing industry. 

I am hellbent on reaching my goals and want to commit 100% to a career I know I will be committed and passionate to. 

There is an understanding from a personal level that I need to chase my career objectives and work extremely hard to achieve them because the sport media industry is very competitive. 

Furthermore, enhancing my presence on social media and displaying my work on this platform will continue to further my career and enhance my prospects of reaching my employment goals. 

Escoffrey et.al (2018) state social media allows a person to share to the public and prospective employees their line of work and examples of their work. Escoffrey et.al (2018) also contend that a social media profile which is based on your career and output allows these sites to suggest job opportunities in your profession. 

A perfect example in this situation are the two roles I have applied for at Racing.com. Here I find one of the roles through Linkedin thanks to the my publicly displayed skill set as well as similar connections to Racing.com. 

Two of my connections at Racing.com stem from SEN and Holmesglen. 

The Senior Production Manager of Racing.com is Tristian Foenander and he worked at SEN for over 10 years. Here he established a great connection with my bosses Simon and Andrew who put me into contact with him. 

Alexie Beovich who is effectively the face of the Bachelor of Sport Media degree is now the digital marketing specialist for Racing.com and has also given me a leg up in the job application process. 

Without my network and career goals these connections and opportunities would not have been possible. 

References: 

Escoffery, C. et al. (2018) ‘Capitalizing on Social Media for Career Development’, Health Promotion Practice, vol. 19, no.1, pp. 11–15 https://journals-sagepub-com.ezproxy.holmesglen.edu.au/doi/pdf/10.1177/1524839917734522

Entry Seven: Supervisor evaluations 

My Herald Sun evaluation was about where I thought I performed in the time I spent there as a sports reporter. 

As the feedback suggested I am still a novice when it comes to writing fully fledged articles to a high professional standard for such a newspaper. 

The fact there were confident in printing numerous articles of my work during my time there showed my writing skill set is definitely good enough to make it in the journalism industry. 

Getting such a high score for my attitude is something I am definitely proud of. 

I also ensured I had a positive outlook on the day ahead and tried my hand at everything I was asked to do by my sport editors Danny Russell and Eliza Sewell. 

Taking the initiative is something I could have done a little bit more of during my time there. However I think I found doing my own little bits of research without hassling anyone worked well for me. 

The quality of my work is something I will continue to strive to get better at. 

I have taken on board the feedback from Danny about reading and writing a lot more than I currently do. 

The second of my internship evaluation’s was my performance at SEN/Croc Media. The mark here speaks volumes my output. 

A near perfect score of 18.5/20 overall showed my how committed I was to achieving great results with the organisation. 

My attitude going was to always be 100% focused on the task at hand when required. Sometimes it can be a bit difficult trying to stay focused when there is so much sport going on and you love to talk about it. 

This is an area I can definitely improve on as suggested in my feedback. 

Scoring in the range of exceptional and very good for all areas of the evaluation shows how well I fit in at SEN and the area of the media industry my current skill set would thrive. 

For me, fitting in and being accepted where I work is a crucial part of motivation it was great to see in the feedback from SEN that I was a joy to have in the office. 

Another area of feedback from SEN where continual improvement is required is my attention to detail. Grammar, spelling and punctuation are all areas that need to be nailed to ensure readers get good flowing articles to read. 

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised at how positive the feedback was from both organisations because I never knew how well my work would stack up until it was put to the test in the professional working environment. 

Entry Eight: Student showcase 

Entry Nine: Quarter Times

[kurtwarren54]

FLYING WITH A BABY – TIPS FOR TRAVELING WITH A BABY

I have so many feelings and thoughts on traveling with a baby. Best piece of advice I could give you: Throw all your expectations out the window, expect the worst, go with the flow, and you will survive. Survival being the key word. Let me be the first to tell you that you could pack and prepare perfectly and your travel experience can still be a challenge. Basically after flying with Otis, my respect level for parents that travel with babies or kids in general went through the roof. I feel like I want to high five every parent I see about to board a plane now because I know just how HARD and challenging the experience can be. That all being said, I am by no means an expert. I will share my tips and tricks below, but know that when it comes to traveling with kids, it’s an unpredictable ride you have to cruise through with them and hope for the best. Be prepared, and know that if things go the absolute worst they can go, you will likely never see these people again. Also, if you don’t have kids and for whatever reason are reading this post, if you see a parent struggling with their little one on the plane, know that the majority of us are working our ASSES off to keep those babies happy and occupied and a little game of peek-a-boo or even just a smile will go a long way for a parent and baby about to have a meltdown. So let’s start at the beginning: PACKING.

WHAT TO PACK FOR BABY WHEN TRAVELING

As far as packing goes, we decided to bring 1 HUGE suitcase for the whole family and this ended up being a huge mistake. Since our bag was overweight we had to pay a lot because of that. So if you learn from our mistakes, weigh your suitcase before you head to the airport!! If you don’t care about dropping cash on suitcases, you can go the route of packing 1 big one to minimize the bags you need to trek around with.

MOM TIP: Pack smaller suitcases so you aren’t charged overweight baggage fees at the airport

I did use these packing cubes to organize all of our clothes inside the suitcase and that is always a game changer. I packed 1 large cube for Otis, 2 for myself, and 2 for Blake. It’s great to be able to keep things organized and easily accessible. I live by packing cubes. I also fold everything using the marie kondo method so I can see everything I have packed. I have used these packing cubes for years that I found on amazon. They have held up through so many trips I could not even count them if I tried. I also recently got these that are personalized with both our names and by color and can be a fun way to easily distinguish whose cube is whose. I have used them a handful of times and they seem to be holding up well.

MOM TIP: Pre-plan baby outfits for each day and fold them up together. This way, each day you just take one folded bundle and it makes dressing baby in the morning easy and stress free so you can enjoy your vacation. I pair a top, bottom, and bib together.

I started packing at least a week before our trip (I am intense like that!) because I was so worried about remembering everything for all of us. I am a 100% extreme intense packer and while it stressed me out beforehand, it keeps me stress free when I reach my destination. Blake and I have our own google doc packing lists that we print out everytime we travel. We always update this list so that we can be sure to always pack the essentials and not forget our toothbrush for instance. Something so simple that if it’s not on the list, maybe we will forget to pack it! 

MOM TIP: Create a spreadsheet list for trips that you can reuse each time you travel. Write down everything down to the smallest details like baby nail clipper because if it’s not written down, chances are that you will forget the most basic essentials.. Like diapers. Add diapers to your list right now!

We packed 3 carry-on bags also. One for Otis, Mom and Dad. Will list what I packed in each below. On top of big suitcases and carry-ons, we needed the rest of our baby gear. We used this nuna car seat bag to pack our carseat and base. Then we took our colugo stroller which comes with a backpack bag which made it easy to pack up and throw on our back if we weren’t using it. We also brought our colugo carrier for the plane and airport. We tried to travel as light as possible but at the end of the day, there is no such thing as traveling light with a baby. But I will say, one thing i love to practice is that I gather everything I want to pack and lay out it. Then I go through a round of edits as I like to call it. I rescan things and see what I need and what can be left home. From the initial packing haul, there are always some things that can be left home so always do a little “edit” of your own packing to see how you can lighten your load. Every bit of space makes a difference when you are packing for an additional family member.

MOM TIP: It’s sneaky but we threw an extra pack of diapers and wipes inside our car seat bag. You aren’t technically supposed to put anything else in there but it fit easily and saved us room in our carry-on. You never know when you will need an emergency stash of diapers and wipes.

PACKING CHECKLIST

Otis Carry-on: I used Otis’ carry-on as mine as well. So I kept my phone and wallet here because I only wanted to have to handle one bag at my feet for both Otis and myself. It’s an important reminder to pack all your medications and baby health items in your carry-on because you always want to be prepared in case of an emergency or your checked bag doesn’t arrive. Another thing to note was that I put all toys into a zipper pouch. This way I could easily access the toy bag and take 1 thing out at a time. I kept books organized in side pockets and kept the other loose toys attached to the bag with the toy straps and then placed in the front pockets. Bottles were placed upright in the side pouch specifically made to hold bottles. I tried to keep this bag super organized so it was easy to access everything while wrangling a wild little baby.

-Packing cubes (that came with the bag): baby medications (Tylenol, motrin, benadryl), baby aquaphor, baby thermometer, baby sunscreen, extra food pouches, wipes, diapers, formula, 1 outfit change, food bib

–2 dr brown bottles: prefilled with water to mix with formula

–Formula container pre-portioned and filled

–Water cup (munchkin miracle 360 cup): prefilled with water

–post-it notes: the cheapest most epic way to entertain a baby

–wet ones wipes: Germs be GONE. I made an effort to do my best sanitation when we sat down. 

-hand sanitizer

–toy straps: MUST HAVE. If you don’t want your toys falling on the dirty airplane floor, BUY THESE NOW.

-toys: baby einstein, wooden shakers, books(this and this), crinkle book, maraca shaker, suction toys 

–nursing cover

-changing pad (loaded with diapers and wipes)

-snacks: puffs in snack dispenser, yogurt melts, + food pouches

-adult snacks: dried fruit + chex mix + oreos (because I always need salty and sweet)

Mom Carry-on: This was everything that I technically should not need at all. It was more of a “just in case bag” that hopefully we would not need to open until we got to our destination. This bag would be stored in the overhead bin. 

-1 outfit + Mom, Dad and Baby: I packed outfits suited for our destination so we would not need to unpack our entiresuitcase to change when we got there.

-Swimsuit Mom, Dad, Baby: I wanted easy access to swimsuits so that we could find it easily without opening our big suitcase and sorting through it.

-Flipflops Mom + Dad

-Mom Makeup: I always try to pack my makeup with me in case my luggage gets lost

-Mom Skincare toiletries: Ditto for keeping skincare with me so its not lost if my luggage gets lost.

-Baby Formula: It’s ESSENTIAL to put this in a carry-on so we have a backup in case we got majorly delayed. We use Enfamil Enspire and I always buy these double boxes.

Dad Carry-on: Blake usually packs a backpack so he can be hands free so he is usually in charge of all the electronics and the snacks we buy at the airport.

-laptops

-camera

-baby monitors (we use nanit with wifi and motorola when we don’t have access to wifi)

-tablet to use as monitor/entertainment

Suitcases

Stroller Backpack from Colugo: We use the colugo stroller and what I love about it is that it’s small enough to fit in the overhead bin in the plane. And comes with the backpack case to make it even more compact.

Nuna Car Seat Bag: This held our carseat and base

Baby Carrier from Colugo: This is essential with a baby so you can be hands free going through security

MOM TIP: Prefill all bottles and water cups at home. TSA will allow you to travel with water for your baby or premade formula or breastmilk bottles. This will allow you to feed baby in an instant and not have to be scrambling to do it on the plane. No one gave us any problems at the airport.

NAVIGATING THE AIRPORT WITH A BABY

I think everything can seem super overwhelming when you are doing it for the first time. When we got to the airport, I actually used my baby carrier to wear Otis while checking our bags and going through security. This was a GAME CHANGER. We also have Global Entry which allows us to go through TSA precheck which also makes things much easier on us while traveling with a baby. I highly recommend looking into TSA precheck if you can and know you have a trip coming up.

Going through security was pretty painless. I didn’t need to remove any of my bottles or formula etc. I just alerted the TSA agent that I had them with me and they took a peek through my bag after it went through the scanner. We folded up our stroller and popped it on the conveyor belt to also go through the scanner. I was also able to keep Otis in my carrier and wear him through the metal detector so that made life super easy not having to readjust holding him and be juggling our bags. 

After we got through security, we put Otis in his stroller to give our backs a break and to allow us both to use the restrooms before getting on the plane.

IN THE AIR WITH A BABY

Obviously being in the plane was the hardest part about traveling with a baby. Never has time seemingly stood still as it did during that first flight with Otis. Before sitting down I used wet wipes to wipe down every possible surface I could see… because obviously Otis put his mouth all over that airplane. Say what you will, I desperately with all my power tried to keep him from touching random things and doing that… but it is what it is. You do your best. Before we even took off, Otis was squirming around since he was already crawling and just wanted to be free from our arms and explore on his own. No can do on an airplane little buddy! It was the moment that made everything sink in… shit. We were stuck on this plane for 6 hours…. and it was going to be the longest 6 hours of our lives. HA! 

MOM TIP: Prep a present! Prep mini bottles of liquor and add a little custom label and pop into your carry-on. Ours said, “Have a great flight. <3 Otis” We did this just in case things went bad and we needed to give our neighbors a little “I’m sorry we have a cranky baby have a drink on us” present. Doesn’t have to be booze, maybe you make a snack bag, something easy. Always nice to be kind to your neighbors

One of the most important tips when flying with baby is making sure to feed them at takeoff and landing. This is to help relieve the pressure in their ears. A flight attendant also told me on our flight that when they pressurize the cabin before take off is also a time you should feed your little ones since that will also affect their ears. I was breastfeeding in a 3 seat row and luckily I had a very sweet woman next to me who was accommodating to the fact we had our baby with us. Not gonna lie, it wasn’t an ideal situation and I am pretty go with the flow nursing on the fly. There just isn’t much space so if we had the choice I would 100% recommend a window seat. 

MOM TIP: If you are nursing, grab a window seat so you can have somewhere to lean and not have to worry about people on both sides of you.

I did everything right… fed during pressurizing the cabin, and during landing… and Otis DEATH cried. It was not as bad taking off as it was landing. He refused my boob. Refused my bottle. HE just screamed bloody murder and it was one of the saddest and most stressful moments. You just feel horrible for your baby, you are trying literally everything to sooth and calm them down, and they are screaming so loud the whole plane can here and your just utterly embarrassed, sad, emotional. The tears were coming for me. I was about to lose it. And then my seat mate looked at Otis and started to play peek a boo. GOD BLESS THAT WOMAN. Like I said earlier, you can do everything right.. And shit still happens. I obviously knew I needed to feed Otis and was doing my best to do so for his ears. Lots of people were also telling me that if I fed him he would feel better while he was screaming but he literally refused every form of food at a certain point so he just cried it out and thankful we were landing and I had a literal angel woman sitting next to me. Just want to keep it real and let you know it’s not always smooth sailing. And if you aren’t a parents and cringe when you see a family coming on a plane… be kind. Because chances are they are just working so hard to survive their journey and doing their best to keep their child and you happy. Just some food for thought.

After the initial take off, we basically cycled from toy to toy. The main key was not taking more than 1 toy out at a time. We exhausted that 1 toy before pulling out a new one. This way we would keep him as occupied as possible.

MOM TIP: Ask your flight attendant for an empty plastic cup and plastic spoon. They make the most simple toys and were endless entertainment for Otis.

Our last pretty epic toy we would leave till the last resort was post-it notes. This was an epic way to occupy Otis. I would basically stick a few of them all over the chair and let him pick them up, crumble them, re-stick them etc. This kept him VERY occupied for a while. Also it’s such a cheap thing to buy and keep in your bag for the future. 

MOM TIP: Make sure you get some new toys and books for your flight so baby is super stimulated exploring something new instead of an old toy they might lose interest in sooner.

In between wrangling toys, we would make sure that Otis had the meals he needed. To keep things minimally messy, we brought food pouches with us (AND A BIB!) to feed to him. Our favorite pouches that don’t need to be refrigerated are here and here. Not gonna lie, it wasn’t mess free because one time Otis got hold of the packet and squeezed it all over both of us. This is why packing an outfit is always essential when traveling with a baby. But having that quick and easy meal option was great for the plane. Snacks were also essential for keeping his hands and mind busy. I packed his snack cup and pre-filled it with his favorite puffs and had a bag of yogurt melts with me as well.

When we got super desperate, I pulled out our loud sound toys. Good news is the actual plane is loud and the sound didn’t disrupt anyone around us bc I could barely even hear it. This was also when we would pull out our ipad and put on some Puppy Dog Pals or Disney for Otis. He doesn’t really watch but he loves the songs and it was another thing to focus on. I had a super old ipad that I got this kids case for and now have it for prepped for him with kids shows. 

When it came to diaper changes, when we first got on the plane, one of us went to scope out which ones had a changing table. We flew Delta and never had a problem finding a changing table on the plane. I would carry my changing pad equipped with wipes and diapers and Otis and that is it. It was… interesting. HAHA. Our changing table opened up on top of the toilet and it’s just super slippery and your in a tiny space. So if you can, bring some kind of distraction toy with you to make your life easier.

Naps/Sleeping were a particular challenge for us on our flights. Otis is normally the most amazing little sleeper and he just fought it with every fiber of his being on our flights. He isn’t one of those babies that just falls asleep on us anymore because he’s so mobile. So, we got out our trusty baby carrier and Blake walked with him up and down the airplane aisle until he fell asleep. It wasn’t easy, but FINALLY Blake got him to sleep. We got a solid 30 minutes which was better than nothing. You just have to be willing to go with the flow when you are traveling and know that not all your schedules will be met or kept. 

MOM TIP: Wear your baby in a carrier to try to get them to nap. Trust me, better to be seated uncomfortably with a sleeping baby attached to you then wrangling a cranky baby past their naptime.

Basically Blake and I tag teamed everything and switched off often to give each other a break. When we were preparing to land and the plan started its initial descent, we prepped milk for Otis and he took it at first and then started to refuse it. His poor little ears must have been affected by the pressure and he was DEATH CRYING and there was nothing we could do to console him. I tried to breastfeed him, bottle feed him, give him a bottle with water, a straw cup, etc and nothing would work. It was likely the worst part of our trip. I was heartbroken for him to be so uncomfortable and just not be able to help him. It was beyond horrifying and the tears started to stream down my face. And then our kind neighbor started playing peek a boo with Otis. Somehow it got him to start to calm down a little bit. Honestly that part was really hard. You feel completely helpless and honestly embarrassed because your baby is screaming. So many emotions. But I am here to tell you that we all survived. And he left the plane smiling and high fived the captain. 

GETTING OFF THE PLANE WITH A BABY

When our plane arrived at the gate, I put Otis in the carrier so we could easily grab all our bags. It’s always a gamechanger to be hands free. We grabbed all our stuff and then deplaned and changed his diaper right away when we got off. To navigate the rest of the airport, since we knew we were going to have to wait for a rental car etc, we put him in the stroller to get a little break. Of course the minute he hit his car seat in the rental car… OUT. Completely passed out. 

Not gonna lie, after flying with Otis both of us turned to each other and said, “Let’s not fly again soon!” Flying with a baby is next level. It’s 100% a different and much more challenging experience. Gone are the days of face masks, bubbly, and naps on planes. Because I could have used a drink but didn’t even have a safe location to drink it or keep it with wrangling a baby. I legit told Blake to fill a camelback with wine for me next time. I’m only half joking

In all seriousness, I came in with zero expectations and it was absolutely a challenging and stressful experience, but we also did have fun. Watching Otis look out the window, play with post-its and wave to our neighbors on the plane just burst my heart right open. That first day walking into the Four Seasons Maui, grabbing my swimsuit, and letting Otis crawl onto the sand… it’s incredible to be able to share some of our favorite places and experiences with Otis. It’s 500% worth the travel adventure. 

MOM TIP: Make sure you plan a long enough trip so you make the travel day and struggles worth your while! We originally only booked a 4 night stay for our first plane trip and I had wished we added on at least 2 days. 

ADJUSTING TO A NEW TIME ZONE WITH A BABY

On the day we arrived to Maui, we decided to keep Otis up as long as possible to adjust him to our current timezone. There are lots of different schools of thought on how you should adjust your little ones. Some people stay on their home time zone, others adjust. All depends on what works for your baby and your family. Otis is a pretty resilient traveler and doesn’t have sleep problems when we travel to hotels or family etc so we chose to adjust him to the Hawaii time zone.

Basically the key is to keep them up as long as humanly possible as close to their new bedtime as possible. We kept him busy exploring new places in the hotel and went out to the restaurant in the hotel for dinner. He was busy eating his pasta and Blake said, “Looks like he is closing his eyes.” The next minute we look over, Otis fell asleep sitting up in his highchair. Poor guy was so exhausted from our travel day that he just passed out. I have NEVER seen him do something like this. It was one of the sweetest little things to witness him snoring at the dinner table. We somehow managed to transfer him to this stroller and he stayed asleep while we ate our dinner. Of course before our check came, he woke up freaking out having a meltdown and Blake had to leave the restaurant with him and bring him to the room while I got the check. We quickly headed to the room and got him down to sleep and he had no problem sleeping through the night. 

FINAL TRAVEL THOUGHTS

Guys, we did it. We survived. And so can you! I think the most important thing to note about traveling with a baby is you really have to let go of any type of expectations. Throw them out the window. If you can find a way to go with the flow, it will make the experience more digestible for the whole family. Yes it might go amazing, no problems, angel sleeping baby that takes their nap… that is goals. Serious travel goals. It could also go terrible with a diaper blowout and some tears shed. Just know that you got this Mamas and the next time you see a parent traveling with their kids, seriously give them a high five because I know most of you are working your butts off to keep those littles happy. Prep as best you can and roll with the punches. Good luck!! If I think about anything else that might be useful will add it to this post.

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FLYING WITH A BABY – TIPS FOR TRAVELING WITH A BABY

I have so many feelings and thoughts on traveling with a baby. Best piece of advice I could give you: Throw all your expectations out the window, expect the worst, go with the flow, and you will survive. Survival being the key word. Let me be the first to tell you that you could pack and prepare perfectly and your travel experience can still be a challenge. Basically after flying with Otis, my respect level for parents that travel with babies or kids in general went through the roof. I feel like I want to high five every parent I see about to board a plane now because I know just how HARD and challenging the experience can be. That all being said, I am by no means an expert. I will share my tips and tricks below, but know that when it comes to traveling with kids, it’s an unpredictable ride you have to cruise through with them and hope for the best. Be prepared, and know that if things go the absolute worst they can go, you will likely never see these people again. Also, if you don’t have kids and for whatever reason are reading this post, if you see a parent struggling with their little one on the plane, know that the majority of us are working our ASSES off to keep those babies happy and occupied and a little game of peek-a-boo or even just a smile will go a long way for a parent and baby about to have a meltdown. So let’s start at the beginning: PACKING.

WHAT TO PACK FOR BABY WHEN TRAVELING

As far as packing goes, we decided to bring 1 HUGE suitcase for the whole family and this ended up being a huge mistake. Since our bag was overweight we had to pay a lot because of that. So if you learn from our mistakes, weigh your suitcase before you head to the airport!! If you don’t care about dropping cash on suitcases, you can go the route of packing 1 big one to minimize the bags you need to trek around with.

MOM TIP: Pack smaller suitcases so you aren’t charged overweight baggage fees at the airport

I did use these packing cubes to organize all of our clothes inside the suitcase and that is always a game changer. I packed 1 large cube for Otis, 2 for myself, and 2 for Blake. It’s great to be able to keep things organized and easily accessible. I live by packing cubes. I also fold everything using the marie kondo method so I can see everything I have packed. I have used these packing cubes for years that I found on amazon. They have held up through so many trips I could not even count them if I tried. I also recently got these that are personalized with both our names and by color and can be a fun way to easily distinguish whose cube is whose. I have used them a handful of times and they seem to be holding up well.

MOM TIP: Pre-plan baby outfits for each day and fold them up together. This way, each day you just take one folded bundle and it makes dressing baby in the morning easy and stress free so you can enjoy your vacation. I pair a top, bottom, and bib together.

I started packing at least a week before our trip (I am intense like that!) because I was so worried about remembering everything for all of us. I am a 100% extreme intense packer and while it stressed me out beforehand, it keeps me stress free when I reach my destination. Blake and I have our own google doc packing lists that we print out everytime we travel. We always update this list so that we can be sure to always pack the essentials and not forget our toothbrush for instance. Something so simple that if it’s not on the list, maybe we will forget to pack it! 

MOM TIP: Create a spreadsheet list for trips that you can reuse each time you travel. Write down everything down to the smallest details like baby nail clipper because if it’s not written down, chances are that you will forget the most basic essentials.. Like diapers. Add diapers to your list right now!

We packed 3 carry-on bags also. One for Otis, Mom and Dad. Will list what I packed in each below. On top of big suitcases and carry-ons, we needed the rest of our baby gear. We used this nuna car seat bag to pack our carseat and base. Then we took our colugo stroller which comes with a backpack bag which made it easy to pack up and throw on our back if we weren’t using it. We also brought our colugo carrier for the plane and airport. We tried to travel as light as possible but at the end of the day, there is no such thing as traveling light with a baby. But I will say, one thing i love to practice is that I gather everything I want to pack and lay out it. Then I go through a round of edits as I like to call it. I rescan things and see what I need and what can be left home. From the initial packing haul, there are always some things that can be left home so always do a little “edit” of your own packing to see how you can lighten your load. Every bit of space makes a difference when you are packing for an additional family member.

MOM TIP: It’s sneaky but we threw an extra pack of diapers and wipes inside our car seat bag. You aren’t technically supposed to put anything else in there but it fit easily and saved us room in our carry-on. You never know when you will need an emergency stash of diapers and wipes.

PACKING CHECKLIST

Otis Carry-on: I used Otis’ carry-on as mine as well. So I kept my phone and wallet here because I only wanted to have to handle one bag at my feet for both Otis and myself. It’s an important reminder to pack all your medications and baby health items in your carry-on because you always want to be prepared in case of an emergency or your checked bag doesn’t arrive. Another thing to note was that I put all toys into a zipper pouch. This way I could easily access the toy bag and take 1 thing out at a time. I kept books organized in side pockets and kept the other loose toys attached to the bag with the toy straps and then placed in the front pockets. Bottles were placed upright in the side pouch specifically made to hold bottles. I tried to keep this bag super organized so it was easy to access everything while wrangling a wild little baby.

-Packing cubes (that came with the bag): baby medications (Tylenol, motrin, benadryl), baby aquaphor, baby thermometer, baby sunscreen, extra food pouches, wipes, diapers, formula, 1 outfit change, food bib

–2 dr brown bottles: prefilled with water to mix with formula

–Formula container pre-portioned and filled

–Water cup (munchkin miracle 360 cup): prefilled with water

–post-it notes: the cheapest most epic way to entertain a baby

–wet ones wipes: Germs be GONE. I made an effort to do my best sanitation when we sat down. 

-hand sanitizer

–toy straps: MUST HAVE. If you don’t want your toys falling on the dirty airplane floor, BUY THESE NOW.

-toys: baby einstein, wooden shakers, books(this and this), crinkle book, maraca shaker, suction toys 

–nursing cover

-changing pad (loaded with diapers and wipes)

-snacks: puffs in snack dispenser, yogurt melts, + food pouches

-adult snacks: dried fruit + chex mix + oreos (because I always need salty and sweet)

Mom Carry-on: This was everything that I technically should not need at all. It was more of a “just in case bag” that hopefully we would not need to open until we got to our destination. This bag would be stored in the overhead bin. 

-1 outfit + Mom, Dad and Baby: I packed outfits suited for our destination so we would not need to unpack our entiresuitcase to change when we got there.

-Swimsuit Mom, Dad, Baby: I wanted easy access to swimsuits so that we could find it easily without opening our big suitcase and sorting through it.

-Flipflops Mom + Dad

-Mom Makeup: I always try to pack my makeup with me in case my luggage gets lost

-Mom Skincare toiletries: Ditto for keeping skincare with me so its not lost if my luggage gets lost.

-Baby Formula: It’s ESSENTIAL to put this in a carry-on so we have a backup in case we got majorly delayed. We use Enfamil Enspire and I always buy these double boxes.

Dad Carry-on: Blake usually packs a backpack so he can be hands free so he is usually in charge of all the electronics and the snacks we buy at the airport.

-laptops

-camera

-baby monitors (we use nanit with wifi and motorola when we don’t have access to wifi)

-tablet to use as monitor/entertainment

Suitcases

Stroller Backpack from Colugo: We use the colugo stroller and what I love about it is that it’s small enough to fit in the overhead bin in the plane. And comes with the backpack case to make it even more compact.

Nuna Car Seat Bag: This held our carseat and base

Baby Carrier from Colugo: This is essential with a baby so you can be hands free going through security

MOM TIP: Prefill all bottles and water cups at home. TSA will allow you to travel with water for your baby or premade formula or breastmilk bottles. This will allow you to feed baby in an instant and not have to be scrambling to do it on the plane. No one gave us any problems at the airport.

NAVIGATING THE AIRPORT WITH A BABY

I think everything can seem super overwhelming when you are doing it for the first time. When we got to the airport, I actually used my baby carrier to wear Otis while checking our bags and going through security. This was a GAME CHANGER. We also have Global Entry which allows us to go through TSA precheck which also makes things much easier on us while traveling with a baby. I highly recommend looking into TSA precheck if you can and know you have a trip coming up.

Going through security was pretty painless. I didn’t need to remove any of my bottles or formula etc. I just alerted the TSA agent that I had them with me and they took a peek through my bag after it went through the scanner. We folded up our stroller and popped it on the conveyor belt to also go through the scanner. I was also able to keep Otis in my carrier and wear him through the metal detector so that made life super easy not having to readjust holding him and be juggling our bags. 

After we got through security, we put Otis in his stroller to give our backs a break and to allow us both to use the restrooms before getting on the plane.

IN THE AIR WITH A BABY

Obviously being in the plane was the hardest part about traveling with a baby. Never has time seemingly stood still as it did during that first flight with Otis. Before sitting down I used wet wipes to wipe down every possible surface I could see… because obviously Otis put his mouth all over that airplane. Say what you will, I desperately with all my power tried to keep him from touching random things and doing that… but it is what it is. You do your best. Before we even took off, Otis was squirming around since he was already crawling and just wanted to be free from our arms and explore on his own. No can do on an airplane little buddy! It was the moment that made everything sink in… shit. We were stuck on this plane for 6 hours…. and it was going to be the longest 6 hours of our lives. HA! 

MOM TIP: Prep a present! Prep mini bottles of liquor and add a little custom label and pop into your carry-on. Ours said, “Have a great flight. <3 Otis” We did this just in case things went bad and we needed to give our neighbors a little “I’m sorry we have a cranky baby have a drink on us” present. Doesn’t have to be booze, maybe you make a snack bag, something easy. Always nice to be kind to your neighbors

One of the most important tips when flying with baby is making sure to feed them at takeoff and landing. This is to help relieve the pressure in their ears. A flight attendant also told me on our flight that when they pressurize the cabin before take off is also a time you should feed your little ones since that will also affect their ears. I was breastfeeding in a 3 seat row and luckily I had a very sweet woman next to me who was accommodating to the fact we had our baby with us. Not gonna lie, it wasn’t an ideal situation and I am pretty go with the flow nursing on the fly. There just isn’t much space so if we had the choice I would 100% recommend a window seat. 

MOM TIP: If you are nursing, grab a window seat so you can have somewhere to lean and not have to worry about people on both sides of you.

I did everything right… fed during pressurizing the cabin, and during landing… and Otis DEATH cried. It was not as bad taking off as it was landing. He refused my boob. Refused my bottle. HE just screamed bloody murder and it was one of the saddest and most stressful moments. You just feel horrible for your baby, you are trying literally everything to sooth and calm them down, and they are screaming so loud the whole plane can here and your just utterly embarrassed, sad, emotional. The tears were coming for me. I was about to lose it. And then my seat mate looked at Otis and started to play peek a boo. GOD BLESS THAT WOMAN. Like I said earlier, you can do everything right.. And shit still happens. I obviously knew I needed to feed Otis and was doing my best to do so for his ears. Lots of people were also telling me that if I fed him he would feel better while he was screaming but he literally refused every form of food at a certain point so he just cried it out and thankful we were landing and I had a literal angel woman sitting next to me. Just want to keep it real and let you know it’s not always smooth sailing. And if you aren’t a parents and cringe when you see a family coming on a plane… be kind. Because chances are they are just working so hard to survive their journey and doing their best to keep their child and you happy. Just some food for thought.

After the initial take off, we basically cycled from toy to toy. The main key was not taking more than 1 toy out at a time. We exhausted that 1 toy before pulling out a new one. This way we would keep him as occupied as possible.

MOM TIP: Ask your flight attendant for an empty plastic cup and plastic spoon. They make the most simple toys and were endless entertainment for Otis.

Our last pretty epic toy we would leave till the last resort was post-it notes. This was an epic way to occupy Otis. I would basically stick a few of them all over the chair and let him pick them up, crumble them, re-stick them etc. This kept him VERY occupied for a while. Also it’s such a cheap thing to buy and keep in your bag for the future. 

MOM TIP: Make sure you get some new toys and books for your flight so baby is super stimulated exploring something new instead of an old toy they might lose interest in sooner.

In between wrangling toys, we would make sure that Otis had the meals he needed. To keep things minimally messy, we brought food pouches with us (AND A BIB!) to feed to him. Our favorite pouches that don’t need to be refrigerated are here and here. Not gonna lie, it wasn’t mess free because one time Otis got hold of the packet and squeezed it all over both of us. This is why packing an outfit is always essential when traveling with a baby. But having that quick and easy meal option was great for the plane. Snacks were also essential for keeping his hands and mind busy. I packed his snack cup and pre-filled it with his favorite puffs and had a bag of yogurt melts with me as well.

When we got super desperate, I pulled out our loud sound toys. Good news is the actual plane is loud and the sound didn’t disrupt anyone around us bc I could barely even hear it. This was also when we would pull out our ipad and put on some Puppy Dog Pals or Disney for Otis. He doesn’t really watch but he loves the songs and it was another thing to focus on. I had a super old ipad that I got this kids case for and now have it for prepped for him with kids shows. 

When it came to diaper changes, when we first got on the plane, one of us went to scope out which ones had a changing table. We flew Delta and never had a problem finding a changing table on the plane. I would carry my changing pad equipped with wipes and diapers and Otis and that is it. It was… interesting. HAHA. Our changing table opened up on top of the toilet and it’s just super slippery and your in a tiny space. So if you can, bring some kind of distraction toy with you to make your life easier.

Naps/Sleeping were a particular challenge for us on our flights. Otis is normally the most amazing little sleeper and he just fought it with every fiber of his being on our flights. He isn’t one of those babies that just falls asleep on us anymore because he’s so mobile. So, we got out our trusty baby carrier and Blake walked with him up and down the airplane aisle until he fell asleep. It wasn’t easy, but FINALLY Blake got him to sleep. We got a solid 30 minutes which was better than nothing. You just have to be willing to go with the flow when you are traveling and know that not all your schedules will be met or kept. 

MOM TIP: Wear your baby in a carrier to try to get them to nap. Trust me, better to be seated uncomfortably with a sleeping baby attached to you then wrangling a cranky baby past their naptime.

Basically Blake and I tag teamed everything and switched off often to give each other a break. When we were preparing to land and the plan started its initial descent, we prepped milk for Otis and he took it at first and then started to refuse it. His poor little ears must have been affected by the pressure and he was DEATH CRYING and there was nothing we could do to console him. I tried to breastfeed him, bottle feed him, give him a bottle with water, a straw cup, etc and nothing would work. It was likely the worst part of our trip. I was heartbroken for him to be so uncomfortable and just not be able to help him. It was beyond horrifying and the tears started to stream down my face. And then our kind neighbor started playing peek a boo with Otis. Somehow it got him to start to calm down a little bit. Honestly that part was really hard. You feel completely helpless and honestly embarrassed because your baby is screaming. So many emotions. But I am here to tell you that we all survived. And he left the plane smiling and high fived the captain. 

GETTING OFF THE PLANE WITH A BABY

When our plane arrived at the gate, I put Otis in the carrier so we could easily grab all our bags. It’s always a gamechanger to be hands free. We grabbed all our stuff and then deplaned and changed his diaper right away when we got off. To navigate the rest of the airport, since we knew we were going to have to wait for a rental car etc, we put him in the stroller to get a little break. Of course the minute he hit his car seat in the rental car… OUT. Completely passed out. 

Not gonna lie, after flying with Otis both of us turned to each other and said, “Let’s not fly again soon!” Flying with a baby is next level. It’s 100% a different and much more challenging experience. Gone are the days of face masks, bubbly, and naps on planes. Because I could have used a drink but didn’t even have a safe location to drink it or keep it with wrangling a baby. I legit told Blake to fill a camelback with wine for me next time. I’m only half joking

In all seriousness, I came in with zero expectations and it was absolutely a challenging and stressful experience, but we also did have fun. Watching Otis look out the window, play with post-its and wave to our neighbors on the plane just burst my heart right open. That first day walking into the Four Seasons Maui, grabbing my swimsuit, and letting Otis crawl onto the sand… it’s incredible to be able to share some of our favorite places and experiences with Otis. It’s 500% worth the travel adventure. 

MOM TIP: Make sure you plan a long enough trip so you make the travel day and struggles worth your while! We originally only booked a 4 night stay for our first plane trip and I had wished we added on at least 2 days. 

ADJUSTING TO A NEW TIME ZONE WITH A BABY

On the day we arrived to Maui, we decided to keep Otis up as long as possible to adjust him to our current timezone. There are lots of different schools of thought on how you should adjust your little ones. Some people stay on their home time zone, others adjust. All depends on what works for your baby and your family. Otis is a pretty resilient traveler and doesn’t have sleep problems when we travel to hotels or family etc so we chose to adjust him to the Hawaii time zone.

Basically the key is to keep them up as long as humanly possible as close to their new bedtime as possible. We kept him busy exploring new places in the hotel and went out to the restaurant in the hotel for dinner. He was busy eating his pasta and Blake said, “Looks like he is closing his eyes.” The next minute we look over, Otis fell asleep sitting up in his highchair. Poor guy was so exhausted from our travel day that he just passed out. I have NEVER seen him do something like this. It was one of the sweetest little things to witness him snoring at the dinner table. We somehow managed to transfer him to this stroller and he stayed asleep while we ate our dinner. Of course before our check came, he woke up freaking out having a meltdown and Blake had to leave the restaurant with him and bring him to the room while I got the check. We quickly headed to the room and got him down to sleep and he had no problem sleeping through the night. 

FINAL TRAVEL THOUGHTS

Guys, we did it. We survived. And so can you! I think the most important thing to note about traveling with a baby is you really have to let go of any type of expectations. Throw them out the window. If you can find a way to go with the flow, it will make the experience more digestible for the whole family. Yes it might go amazing, no problems, angel sleeping baby that takes their nap… that is goals. Serious travel goals. It could also go terrible with a diaper blowout and some tears shed. Just know that you got this Mamas and the next time you see a parent traveling with their kids, seriously give them a high five because I know most of you are working your butts off to keep those littles happy. Prep as best you can and roll with the punches. Good luck!! If I think about anything else that might be useful will add it to this post.

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 2nd June 2019

Top 10

So Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber are still at #1 for a third week after debuting at the spot last month, and there’s another Ed Sheeran single from his upcoming collaborations project coming in the top 10 later on. It’s safe to say Sheeran’s made a comeback but he’s definitely not as massive as he was in the Divide era, it’s not like he’s inescapable now, but he probably has a bigger era coming and this is some pointless side project.

Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” featuring Billy Ray Cyrus is also holding at the runner-up spot.

Also not moving at all since last week is the entire top four. Yup, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi is still at number-three.

Stormzy’s “Vossi Bop” is still at number-four, as well. The top four have all gone to #1 for several weeks, may I add, so I guess that’s cool.

Moving up a single space to number-five is Billie Eilish’s “bad guy”.

She seems to have moved past “Piece of Your Heart” by MEDUZA and Goodboys still gaining one space to number-six but not enough to overtake her.

Capaldi’s “Hold Me While You Wait” understandably drops off two spaces to number-seven after the album boost fades.

The late Avicii’s “SOS” featuring Aloe Blacc is at standstill at number-eight.

Oh, and we have our highest debut this week and the only one in the top 10, “Cross Me” by Ed Sheeran featuring Chance the Rapper and PNB Rock – yes, I was confused as well – premiering on the charts at number-nine. This is Sheeran’s 23rd (!) Top 10 hit in the UK, Chance’s fourth (All of which have been features) and obviously PNB Rock’s first, but also his first ever charting song in the UK. Ed Sheeran really can make careers I suppose... except this is PNB Rock’s second charting song by technicality, as his vocals in XXXTENTACION’s “changes” were left uncredited.

Finally, “If I Can’t Have You” by Shawn Mendes has re-entered the top 10 after a three space boost to #10.

Climbers

In terms of climbers, there’s not much of note here, in fact, there is one singular song that had any notable gain this week, and that’s “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike up six spaces to #33. Come on, let’s get this into the top 20 at least. It deserves it.

Fallers

We have a lot of these, on the other hand, a pretty large amount for a cooler week. In reverse order, Lil Dicky and Friends’ “Earth” is slowly making its way out of the charts as it goes down nine spaces to #40, “Motorola” by Da Beatfreakz, Dappy, Deno and Swarmz is down six spots to #38 as most of the UK rap songs fade out pretty quickly if they don’t debut high, “Just You and I” by Tom Walker continues its losses down seven spots to #36, “No Diet” by Digga D loses all its buzz down seven positions as well to #32, “Fashion Week” by Steel Banglez, AJ Tracey and MoStack surprisingly sticks in the top 30 as it dips down five spots to #28, while “So Am I” by Ava Max also has continued losses down six to #25, “EARFQUAKE” by Tyler, the Creator featuring Playboi Carti unfortunately collapses down seven positions to #24 off of the debut, and finally, the album boost dies off for “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi down five spots to #14.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

I am not surprised at all when it comes to these drop-outs, as most of them are pretty obviously not going to succeed past their high debuts last week, such as “Nightmare” by Halsey out from #26, “I THINK” by Tyler, the Creator featuring Solange from #30 and “Jealous” by DJ Khaled featuring Chris Brown, Lil Wayne and Big Sean out from #37, or already extended chart runs like “Walk Me Home” by P!nk from #27 after 14 weeks. Songs that never properly bloomed or peaked at the levels of popularity they could have in their prematurely cut chart run, such as “Homicide” by Logic featuring Eminem out from #38 and “Don’t Worry Bout Me” by Zara Larsson out from #40, as well as “Greaze Mode” by Skepta featuring Nafe Smallz from #35, although due to the album this will rebound next week.

“Falling Like the Stars” by James Arthur has returned to #35 for whatever Godforsaken reason, but otherwise, there are no returning entries, so let’s get straight to the new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#39 – “Wish You Well” – Sigala and Becky Hill

Produced by Sigala and Jarly – Peaked at #9 in Scotland

I hate the plastic house music that gets on the charts pretty much each and every week. Dance music is art, of course, it is, all music is, but this type of plastic, slick house music made by some producer featuring a singer who’s either a complete no-name or established pop princess, both bringing equally bland performances, has no personality and little artistic merit. I don’t hate pop music inherently, of course, I don’t, I love reviewing it but listening to these songs each week is painful because I know for a fact everyone involved didn’t care and just want it to bang in the clubs, but you know what, that’s not a bad thing. Maybe it infuriates me so much because I love house music and this stuff just reeks of soullessness, or maybe it’s just oversaturation, but nevertheless, this is Sigala’s eighth UK Top 40 hit and The Voice UK contestant Becky Hill’s sixth (fifth as a credited artist), and, well, did you expect it to be any good? Of course not, it has pretty dry keys that back up the reverb-drenched vocals from Becky Hill, who really doesn’t match up with the joyful instrumental as she has a lower tone with a lot more bite, fitting the song’s content pretty well considering it’s a sarcastic good luck and good riddance to an old lover. The house instrumental, however, loses that memo entirely, because Sigala doesn’t care, it’s probably a song written by Hill and her songwriters as a ballad or pop rock jam that got completely ruined by Sigala remixing it into a banger for the clubs and radio fodder. There’s something here, for sure, but Sigala misses the point as he does most of the time. Oh, and the mixing is shoddy in the chorus, but I expected that out of the janky chorus because that’s what Siggy does, I guess. God, this is dull.

#31 – “One Touch” – Jess Glynne and Jax Jones

Produced by Jax Jones and Mark Ralph – Peaked at #8 in Scotland

...There’s ANOTHER one? Okay, well, this one happens to be Jess Glynne’s lead single, as she’s getting top billing whilst Jax Jones is second – I can tell also because of how the single cover isn’t a Jax Jones-branded confectionary. Jones, by the way, is actually one of these house dudes I can kind of understand the hype for, the hooks he writes are infectious and I loved “Breathe” featuring Ina Wroldsen in retrospect. This has debuted pretty low for a Jess Glynne lead single, though, but knowing her ability to have insane longevity in this country’s charts, I know she’ll be fine, especially as this is her 13th UK Top 40 single and Jones’ eighth, but this isn’t great either. I feel like I’ve hear d it before, in 2015, from Jess Glynne’s first album, because this is somewhat dated, I feel, it’s very much of the vein of mid-2010s EDM that was massive back then. Glynne sounds pretty great here, but again her performance directly takes from her older work, and the chorus’ melody and its multi-tracked delivery sounds alarmingly similar to her previous hits “Hold My Hand” and maybe even “My Love”, both songs that I absolutely love. The drop is pretty weak, but it works well enough, once again, however, this is generic and derivative, but what did I expect? If this is Glynne’s lead single, yikes. If it’s Jones’, yeah, I figured.

#29 – “Easier” – 5 Seconds of Summer

Produced by watt, Louis Bell and Charlie Puth? – Peaked at #13 in Belgium and #48 in the US

There are two songs in the UK Top 40 now that sample Nine Inch Nails and make absolutely no sense doing so, but “Old Town Road” is different than this new 5 Seconds of Summer track. First of all, “Old Town Road” is actually good. Second of all, it uses an acoustic guitar sample from one of their darker ambient tracks and interprets it into a country-trap fusion which is innovative, it doesn’t attempt to interpolate any of the industrial rock efforts into a lazy boy band jam the Jonas Brothers wouldn’t accept. While I like “Youngblood” still to this day, this is a very disappointing follow-up and it’s clearly trying for the same vibe, except instead of a pumping bassline to make the chorus feel punchier, you’ve got the flattened Nine Inch Nails sample. I’m pretty sure there’s one second of Summer actually singing here, but the insanely Auto-Tuned vocals would make it hard to distinguish anyway. I actually kind of like the chorus somewhat, since the vocal effects sound pretty interesting at least with the electro-industrial tinges from the Nine Inch Nails sample making it feel quite stiff, which works sonically but doesn’t work with a toxic relationship song, well, does it? He’s stuck in this relationship that he’s struggling with, so surely an intimate, cluttered mess would be fitting, but the only reason he’s stuck is because she’s attractive so the dull trudge of the beat definitely detracts from the content, since he can get out at any point if he gets over his own hormonal urges, so maybe it should have more bounce, more energy, maybe a groove, but it’s not there. This is the band’s tenth UK Top 40 single, and it sucks pretty bad.

#18 – “The London” – Young Thug, J. Cole and Travis Scott

Produced by T-Minus – Peaked at #6 in Canada and #12 in the US

Now, I’ve been waiting to talk about this one, because I love Young Thug, or at least I love the concept of Young Thug – an unorthodox constantly switching flow, a voice hitting frequencies only dogs can hear and nonsensical lyrics about nutting on fishes on sofas crooned off-key with an insane amount of Auto-Tune that only makes it more engaging... over average trap beats. This is a genius formula to me, but often the production doesn’t really help Thugger at all, in fact, I’m let down by a lot of the beats he has especially on earlier mixtapes and the YSL compilation project. He kills most features, can easily develop a narrative in a verse, is a crazy performer with funny lyrics, yet most of his songs don’t slap as much as they could because while Thugger’s got everything, he has to commit to the limitations of the beat and often that slows him down and dampens him. I liked his newest EP, and that got me thinking about his new project and where it was going... then I found out it was called GOLFMOUFDOG (Probably) and that J. Cole was executive producing it. Well, lookie here, we have Cole and Travis Scott, which probably propelled it a lot further to become his highest-charting song as the lead artist in both countries. I like all these artists to some capacity, but once again they all have to fit on the same beat, with entirely different flows, deliveries and approaches. This is going to be a bad idea and a complete trainwreck. This is Thugger’s third UK Top 40 hit, Cole’s seventh (sixth as a credited artist) and Travis’ seventh as well, and it’s surprisingly very refined and kind of restrained. The piano-based beat from T-Minus doesn’t catch up, pretty simply, and it works for Cole but not Thugger, while Travis Scott’s hook (He doesn’t have a verse) is actually pretty great. Cole’s verse is also pretty great, ripping a flow from Thugger and drowning himself in Auto-Tune in order to flub some multi-tracked rhymes with some funny lines like Cole posting pictures on a sonogram. Thugger makes this, though, and I see a lot of people saying he doesn’t fit, and of course, he doesn’t, he’s off-beat as hell, and he’s borderline screeching, where he takes about, paraphrasing here, your broad in a garage eating semen, with oddly emotional delivery. It’s hilarious when he takes a break from ogling at her thighs to say that he “sees the pain in shorty’s light brown eyes”. What? Also, there’s kind of a bridge which is not funny at all but it sounds hilarious, where he has a rapid flow, stops and then lets the beat be so empty for a while, before muttering a slight “Yeah”. He does this twice, and the second one gets me every time. Also, he’s reciting the fire escape procedure because of course he is, before ending his verse with a delightful “GRAH GRAH”. Man, this is the Thugger I want, the Thugger that doesn’t work on the beat at all, and doesn’t constrain himself. I want more screeching. Oh, and Cole, Travis, you’re alright, lads, I especially like their vocal riffing on the intro and outro, but come on, Thugger really steals the show.

#17 – “OT Bop” – NSG

Produced by 4PLAY

Remember these guys from “Options” with Tion Wayne? Yeah, this is their second UK Top 40 hit and I’m surprised it debuted so high but I really liked these guys last time with their melodic, synth-heavy take on faux-grime-dancehall that everyone else can’t make interesting if they tried. I figured NSG would come back with something much less unique and quite a bit generic... they’ve thrown me for a loop, because this is actually kind of weird. Instead of a cloudy synth pattern, we’ve got a really eerie, hypnotic vocal sample and an unconventional beat, with pitch-shifted repetitions of the chorus running through the left and right channels abruptly. There’s some fun ad-libs and sometimes the beat just skips, which is somewhat incompetent and really odd on first-listen, but it grew on me and is actually really fun afterwards. The charisma of each rapper is infectious, especially the dudes from about 30 seconds to 1 minute and 20 seconds, he’s really fun (No, I’m not memorising their names), and you can tell they’re laughing while recording. The signature blunt British delivery makes his first bars really memorable as well.

Meant to go to uni... sold drugs / Got a bag... oh f***

The random string accentuations added are really unnecessary and jarring, but they work and they continue to build up throughout the whole song, while the rappers get quieter the beat just continues to develop and become much more bouncy and exciting, with several buzzing synths that distort in a brief spoken word bridge. Not to mention it’s really catchy, and, yeah, I can see this growing on me.

#9 – “Cross Me” – Ed Sheeran featuring Chance the Rapper and PNB Rock

Produced by Fred Gibson – Peaked at #6 in Australia and #34 in the US

Uh... sure. Let’s get this done quickly because, no, I don’t care about a new Ed Sheeran album and the less I talk about him the less I feel the need to listen to it. This is the second single, and it samples an XXL freestyle from PNB Rock, taking his lyrics about his daughter out of context and re-appropriating it to be a macho posturing 90s R&B jam about how if you want to cross Ed’s girl, you have to cross him. PNB Rock said “She’s my seed”, though, Ed, you sick f—

It’s not like he can’t ride the gliding synths, bouncy beat and plunging 808s but it all seems really not thought out at all, and it really isn’t a PNB Rock sample if you just loop his sample. Chance the Rapper’s verse is... great. He doesn’t work as well as he could on this beat, but his charismatic verse about defending his girl with a blade because she’s the queen, while over-protective, works because everyone involved knows it’s really silly and hyperbolic, and the delivery shows that. The chorus is catchy enough so it’s fine. It sure is fine. I don’t want to hear it ever again.

Conclusion

Uhhhhh nothing here is amazing except “The London” so Young Thug, J. Cole and Travis get Best of the Week for that, while Honourable Mention probably goes to NSG for “OT Bop”. It’s a fun track. Otherwise, well, “Easier” is kind of awful so 5 Seconds of Summer get Dishonourable Mention because Jess Glynne and Jax Jones painfully ripping themselves off in “One Touch” is much more painful to listen to. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week!

[themediareviewer]

The Rules of Ever After

By Killian B. Brewer, 2015. Fiction/comedy book.

This will be a bit of an odd entry, but what is this blog if not a union of the common and the odd? This book was lent to me by one of my friends, who guaranteed the story was right up my alley. And I have to admit, I do have a weakness for stories that break the rules right from the start. You know what I’m referring to, right? Those stories that made Peter Pan grow up, those TV shows that decided to follow the villain instead of the hero, or even those movies that decided that your “true love” might be someone who raised you, instead of the one you want to marry. In short, I like stories that, right from the getgo, throw a bit of chaos into my otherwise predictable world. That is why The Rules of Ever After (2015) had me intrigued from its very premise. 

Now, it’s pretty hard not mentioning any spoilers while reviewing this book. However, I will try my best to keep the description pretty superficial and the plot points as vague as possible. 

Personally, I find that the best part of this book by far is its willingness to embrace the different and the absurd. Why are there Rules that one must follow in order to live happily ever after? the book seems to ask us. Why can’t everyone and anyone be happy as long as they are not hurting someone else? I find that those are very fair questions, and although Brewer hammers them a bit too forcefully at times, I found it almost added to the book’s comedy. Look at these rules! Look at how ridiculous they are! it screamed. And with such ridiculous rules, ridiculous actions (and just as ridiculous counter-actions) ensue. As much as this is not the type of story for everyone, I found its quirky humour to fit very well within my broad taste of humour. And it helps that it seemed like the author was having great fun considering all the ways in which he could manipulate and distort the old fairy tales.

Now, I have heard a lot of people complaining about studios like Disney who make very simplistic stories, with caricatural characters and blunt messages, but here’s my take on it: These stories (this book included) belong to a new generation of fairy tales, one that has evolved with our ever shifting values and moral compasses. When Aesop and LaFontaine were first making their stories (which are now famous classics of literature), they weren’t striving for “realistic” stories, I don’t think. There aren’t that many hares that go around racing turtles, or mice that set lions free, or scorpions that travel on turtles’ backs… Not as far as I know, at least. The point of these tales was often to pass very simple messages to their readers, who were often younger and had to have big notions boiled down to their simplest possible form. When I read “The Fox and the Crow” (Aesop) for the first time, I didn’t particularly care about the Crow’s backstory, neither did I ask myself if the Fox had a family or if its siblings were currently fighting for the family’s heirloom. The fact that contemporary fairy tales have become considerably more detailed than Aesop and LaFontaine’s, should be celebrated in my opinion, not admonished for their simplicity. Not all stories have the same objective, and we as readers, should respect that. As such, I feel that Brewer’s point wasn’t to make a master piece of literature per se, but rather introduce a few messages of acceptance through his book. And that is always a noble aim in my opinion. 

Now, when it comes to the actual “literature” of the book, Brewer does an acceptable job. Most of the main characters are very clearly the “good characters” and have plenty of redeemable qualities that forgive any of their flaws. I would go as far as saying that the author almost helps these characters to be all-too likeable. Sometimes, he would make one of his characters do something terrible, and then conveniently decrease the consequences of the character’s actions to zero. Now, wouldn’t it be wonderful if all the good people in the world had their flaws and mistakes erased by some benevolent author? Well, Brewer definitely seemed to think so, and he didn’t seem to shy away from some plot manipulation to get the ending that he wanted for each of his characters. Personally, I do tend to find these “cheats” a bit tiresome if overused, particularly because, if there is a happy ending, I want to feel that the characters have earned it. So when an author seems too present, i.e. he’s making things too easy for the protagonists, the reader might start feeling bad for the poor antagonist who is basically fighting against the All-Mighty Author who wants him or her to fail. I do concede that I don’t mind reading stories where good things happen to good people, but I feel that The Rules of Ever After walks a very thin line between respecting karma and imposing it. I almost wish the characters had struggled a bit more throughout the story, but I suppose that, since the book never seems to take itself too seriously, it doesn’t call for an all too serious ending.

The dialog is a good part of what makes this book enjoyable. As I mentioned above, the characters are quite likeable, which ends up making their conversations likeable and entertaining, too. There are simple bits like:

“Actually, Phillip, we don’t spend a lot of time hanging out in gambling halls and taverns.” “Even if some of us have asked nicely,” James mumbled.

The idea is simple; while one character is proudly stating that they aren’t hooligans, the other admits that it’s not for a lack of trying. Contrasts often make for the strongest humour in my opinion, and this book is full of contrasts! It’s not necessarily the most well-versed dialog but it definitely gets the story going and it brought quite a few grins to my face.

Finally, I should mention the writing, because it is an important aspect of this book. Now, we all know that there are some authors that get stuck describing things a bit more than necessary. The rule of thumb from creative writing teachers seems to be that, if you’re not making the reader think, laugh, or learn something new about the characters, you probably shouldn’t be dwelling on it for too long. (Dickens is probably laughing at that as I write it.) This is, however, a “rule” that Brewer breaks, a bit to his loss. It was difficult to get through his prose because of how clunky it could get, particularly during action scenes. Often, I felt that if I read only the dialog of a chapter, I had more than enough information to understand the story. Not only that, but when I did skip the description, the pacing of the story was actually quite good. Add the description though and any momentum he had built in the story was instantly gone. Take this  section for instance: (**warning, spoiler for the following three paragraphs**)

“‘You want to change all the rules when you are king? Well, you cannot be king until this one is dead!’ Cauchemar screamed as she pointed to King Henry. ‘We shall see about that!’ Flinging her arm toward the king, Cauchemar shot a wave of brilliant blue light across the room at the old man. King Henry lifted his arm in fright; his jaw dropped open. As the light hit him, he toppled to the floor, his arm frozen in front of him and his face seized in fear. Phillip’s breath caught in his throat as he looked down at where his father had fallen at his feet. The king did not move; his eyes stared blankly. ‘You killed my father!’ Phillip screamed. He dropped to the ground and grabbed his father’s frozen body.”

It’s a very clear description of the action… But perhaps too clear? Now, had this sequence taken place in fewer sentences, I feel it could have been much more striking and even shocking! Something like:

“‘You want to change the rules little prince? Well, you cannot be king until this one is dead!’ Cauchemar shrieked as a blast of brilliant blue light crossed the room and hit King Henry in the chest. His body toppled to the floor — his arm lifted in fright, his jaw frozen in an eternal scream. Phillip dropped to his father’s side. ‘You killed him!’ he screamed.”

(***end of spoiler***) 

Now, writing is incredibly hard, and it’s sometimes frustrating to describe an image that is just so clear in our minds. I am not saying that the writing on the second version is better, but I wanted to illustrate how much room there was for some editing.  Brewer could have trusted his own words a bit more, and given the readers a bit more room to interpret his descriptions. That could have really lightened the prose and made for a much better (and shorter!) read, I think.

In conclusion, this book was a “sweet” find — you know, one of those stories you read when you have a few minutes to spare, and when you leave, 5 minutes later, you have a tiny grin on your face? — The dialog made me laugh, the characters were quirky and the themes gave me food for thought. In other words, it was an endearing and pleasant surprise — though maybe not one for everyone.

[julystorms]

I blame @goodguyjean for this since we were talking about AUs last night, but I was thinking about modern AUs today: specifically how many of them just...fall flat to me. Like in theory they sound easy and fun to write! But you’re transplanting characters into a completely different world, man. You can’t just give them your own interests and let ‘em go??? And I mean, people write these adorable “how they met” stories but none of the characters ever seem to be in character; it’s like the scenario just seems cute so people use it regardless as to whether or not the characters would actually do those things/say that stuff/et cetera.

And of course if you’re writing a long’fic, you have to consider the ramifications of the choices you’ve made, of the lives you’ve plunked the characters down into. Which sometimes means amazing fanfiction but usually means the entire premise the author started with falls on its goddamned face.

I mean you can write artist!Jean! It’s not implausible! But he has to actually feel like Jean. This is one of the reasons businessman!Levi doesn’t jive with me. I can’t see it? I’ve always seen him working lower-profile jobs like being on the janitorial staff somewhere. He’s not the kind of person who wants to be in the limelight. Levi can’t feel like Levi if he’s spiffily dressed with a gold pocketwatch--not unless he’s undercover for some reason (and probably doing a mediocre job of it, tbh). Businessman!Mike makes me kind of uncomfortable, too. He’s another character who doesn’t strike me as the sort of person who would do well in that kind of a position, not generally speaking, anyway. This is YMMV material though, since his character is only barely established and I see him as a very hands-on person: construction, maybe engineering, plumber, carpenter, roofing, et cetera. I think in some situations I could be sold on Mike as a businessman if he’s in a position that makes sense to his character, where he doesn’t have to talk overmuch and mingle for pleasure with random people--and also it works a little better if it’s a job Erwin secured for him via Connections. That said, I think fandom tends to think only skin-deep regarding the characters. Well, Mike’s 6′5′’ and imposing looking, so of course he’d look sharp in a suit! Well...yes. And he’d be a great bouncer. And various other things. But would he actually take a job like that? And what kind of childhood did he have? Teenage years? What kind of personality is he in possession of? Is it one suited for this kind of work or would he lose his job/credibility quickly? 

Fandom likes to dump things like careers and living situations on characters in modern settings without bothering to think about what makes sense for the characters and their finances. Hitch in fashionable clothes only makes sense if she has the means to access this stuff: a really good job? Upper middle class parents? She can sew her own? Like she might seem like the sort of character who wants to look fashionable but that doesn’t mean her upbringing and history and current situation really allow for it. You know?

Like everyone wants to write Petra as a kindergarten teacher, and it’s not that the idea doesn’t work at all: she looks the part and she would be so kind to the kids! It’s that fandom does it because she’s kind of small and she’s a woman and she looks like a kindergarten teacher. Everyone expects it? But it only fits if it’s something she’s extremely passionate about, if it challenges her mind--like she teaches for an inner-city school and she feels needed and necessary and like she’s making a big difference. She’s passionate about trying to get these kids the education they deserve and need, about bringing her own supplies in with money she doesn’t really have, just so that they can have that. Bringing in snacks on her own dime for the little ones who don’t always get enough at home so that they can focus on learning so they can move up in the world. Petra teaching at a ritzy private school doesn’t...work. Not for her character. She’s not that kind of person. It doesn’t fit. She’s more a nosy journalist than a comfortable teacher. She needs to be challenged by her work in a good way.

And I mean, I’m all about turning fandom’s expectations for an AU upside-down, but those have to work, too. Gelgar as a chef of a like greasy spoon sorta place. Nanaba as an editor or college professor. Jean as a police officer. Marco in law. Henning the UPS guy. Nifa a professional volleyball player. Mikasa in accounting. Sasha doing data entry. Eren into programming. Mike as a nurse in a nursing home.

People seem to have very specific ideas of the kinds of jobs that are available in the world, and everyone dives after “generic businessman” because it’s just...easy to be really vague about? Bro, I am not about that life and very few people end up in that kind of a position. Lots of people do CSR work for years and if you can stick that out and get promoted, you’ll probably have an easy job that pays pretty darn well compared to the work you have to put in. There’s no shame in people who manage chain restaurants or supervise second shift in a factory. In fact, those are the kinds of jobs most people end up in. Why not your characters, too? I never imagined I’d end up where I am. There were so many jobs people easily saw me in (teaching, police work, SaHM, veterinary medicine, fitness) and what I ended up doing, in order, was: fast food, factory work, HR assistant/receptionist, CSR, writing/analysis tutor, and billing.

I guess...nothing pulls me out of an AU faster than characters who all seem to have high-end jobs they ended up in...by like...some kind of magic? For most jobs there’s schooling, apprenticeships... And even then there’s a ladder to climb. Grades can and do matter in competitive fields. Grades in difficult fields tend to be lower (electrical engineering vs. the liberal arts) and in fields where positions need filled, they hardly matter so long as you get a degree.

Even if they already have the job, I want to see the journey somehow. I don’t want to read a story where it feels like the characters were magically granted their positions as CEOs of some big-wig company.

So like, artist!Jean could be really, really fun to write. He could easily be a brutally honest traditional artist* who does oil paintings and really likes his field and is here for a degree, not to make it rich doing shows or making nice with the wealthy. Art can still be a passion for him. He’s just the sort of person who sees the world as it is and knows how competitive the field is and doesn’t want to struggle for years on the off-chance that he will get established. He’d rather get a boring 9-5 and come home to spend his free time doing art. It stays fun that way; he remains passionate about it. But his day job is like, data entry for a medical company.

Anyway this didn’t have a point to it except to say that I really wish I could enjoy AUs more. It’s just hard for me because I tend to overthink things? Like, to expand a little more, you’re at your job more than you’re at home talking to your significant other before bed, usually. You spend a lot of time there. And lots of people work in unexpected fields but like, their reaction to working in a career that doesn’t fit them needs to actually exist. Maybe Mike is a businessman and hates it or is super uncomfortable in that position because he’s not very good with Words and can’t keep up with the kind of snide office shenanigans that other characters like Erwin might thrive on or find a welcome challenge. He’s still doing it, though, for [insert reason here like he has a kid to support/bills to pay/he failed at doing something else and is afraid of instability]. Mike as a person who relies on people understanding him without him needing to say much wouldn’t do very well in an environment that requires him to talk a lot and be clear and concise. He probably knows this isn’t a good fit for him, it probably makes him anxious, but man what do you do if you have a kid at home depending on you? A mortgage?

Or maybe you have Historia as a pianist but HAHA SURPRISE she actually sucks?? And the support she’s receiving is like...totally unfounded...

And then artist!Jean who works doing data entry for a medical company as mentioned above. He thinks it’s boring AF and he really wants to kick Eren, the company’s programmer, into the dirt for not putting out fixes fast enough for issues in the software he designed... But overall he’s pretty okay with his job because it gives him the money to buy art supplies and pay rent on an apartment that has an extra bedroom--one he uses specifically for his art. He has no splendorous dreams for himself; he doesn’t see his job as “just temporary”; he just lives his life the best way he knows how and the story that’s being told around this backdrop takes into account the fact that he has a job and a hobby that take up a lot of his time.

Because like, people aren’t their jobs...but they do take up a large part of their day. In a romance I don’t need a play-by-play of every single day of work, ‘cause Eren staring at code for 37 pages doesn’t seem like much fun to write or read...but as a writer who is in Eren’s head, you can’t really escape the fact that work is a huge part of his life and probably who he is--to the extent, anyway, that that huge bug fix that needs to be done by Monday? Is something he can’t...escape from. He’s thinking about it all weekend. Even if he doesn’t want to. Because it’s a big part of the life he lives. Even if romance is the focus of the story and the plot, when you forget to include these kinds of things the characters tend to feel ... kind of hollow. Like they couldn’t possibly exist as people because they never seem to be at work or never think about work or don’t really seem to have any real hobbies or interests that don’t move the plot...?

Anyway idk where I was going with this lmao. I love AUs but so many of them just don’t work for me. I’m probably just weird though. :P

*this is basically my brother so i could write this convincingly lmao and lemme tell you what there are a lot of people majoring in art who can’t stand criticism i can practically HEAR critique circles with jean in them as i type this!!

[charles195]

This Body Is Yours Ch. 2

Fandom: Yuuri!!! On Ice

Summary: Destiny? Fate? Soulmates? Reincarnation Without the Death? Otabek mostly thought it was troublesome. They were individuals that had their own aspirations and goals to achieve, and having their souls intertwined by some unexplored metaphysical bond was taking a toll on the both of them.

Pairing: Otabek Altin/Yuri Plisetsky

Characters: Otabek Altin, Mila Babichieva, Yakov Feltsman, Victor Nikiforov, Yuri Plisetsky, Georgi Popovich, (Later) Unimportant OCs

Warnings: Body-swap, Body Insecurities

Words: 7k+

Chapter 1

Yuri was having that wonderful dream, again. It was the one where his windows had curtains instead of noisy blinds that clattered at the slightest breeze and he woke up when the sun wasn’t dawdling in the horizon instead of when his phone alarm shattered his fantasies. He stayed in bed for much longer than the ten blissful minutes that came before his next alarm told him to get ready for the day. Naturally being tugged out of sleep by the gentle rays of light was calming. It would waste what little time he had with this dream if he stayed in bed forever, though, so he got out of bed.

He felt heavy. His perspective, too, was a lot higher than it usually was. The room, too, was clean like it was when he last woke up. He curiously checked the dressers and they were organized in the same fashion, but with different clothes. He figured that he might as well set things to its natural order since it was his dream, so he flung the clothes in the general direction of where he remembered they last were. Once the drawers were empty, he searched for his practice outfit.

He kicked a pair of boxers. Everything was the wrong size. Or perhaps it wasn’t. Once, when he and Victor went shopping together, he was frustrated about the men’s sizes being too big for him. Victor said that in Soviet Russia, the sizes weren’t wrong. Rather, the body was wrong for not fitting into the sizes. He wasn’t joking. Their discussion at the time was about the media’s different manifestations of discrimination. It was intellectually stimulating, actually.

“Maybe I’m self-aware enough to lucid dream?” Yuri wondered aloud. He cleared his throat. His voice was never that deep. “Would I be able to--wait, if this is my voice and these are my clothes…” He scanned the room for his cellphone, because if this was his dream then he had to have his phone somewhere in his immediate vicinity, which was on the nightstand. Thank goodness it was still an iPhone. He opened up the camera and flipped the view so he could see himself.

Yuri wasn’t too surprised that he was in the body of a tall, masculine guy with an undercut. It seemed ideal enough for a utopian concoction in his own dream subconscious. It was just so detailed. He could even feel the bulges of muscle when he flexed his arms. Maybe he was suppressing his issues about his real body too much. All he wanted was for this fantasy to not distort into something that resembled a Charles Dickens-Ray Bradbury-Stephen King-Rod Serling nightmare.

He went into what he assumed was his bathroom--nope, that’s a closet. A tiny one, at that. He went into the actual bathroom to study his face in the mirror more closely. He mentally patted his brain on its metaphorical back for the undercut. It was a nice touch. The sharp jawline, too, was incredibly handsome. “I had this dream last time, too, didn’t I?”

His next actions were obvious. He left to practice at the ice rink as soon as he was ready.

He expected St. Petersburg when he stepped out of the apartment, or at least some part of Russia he was already familiar with. He honestly had no idea where he was, anymore, or what any of the signs around him said. Unfortunately, it seemed that his lucid dreaming skills weren’t strong enough to magically skip to the part where he was at the ice rink. “What the hell is this bullshit?”

According to Google Maps, he was in… a place that used some Turkic language because he couldn’t read shit. He changed the language settings. Much better. According to Google Maps, he was in Almaty, Kazakhstan. The surrounding mountains were nice and all, but Yuri didn’t sign up to be a different country along with his different body and life. Russia was already so big; it really wasn’t necessary to live in Kazakhstan in this very inconvenient dream. At least the ice rink was close.

Yuri had no idea what the friendly old man was saying to him, but apparently he was supposed to go by Otabek. Silently nodding was enough to get that man (his coach?) off his back. He had no idea where the dance studios were, if there were any at all at this particular ice rink, so he just stretched in the locker room.

He nearly pulled a muscle just from attempting to get into his usual position for the butterfly stretch. His thighs hurt like he had never stretched them at all, before. He was usually able to lay forward on his chest during the butterfly stretch, but now he couldn’t even bring his feet in any less than six inches without cursing. He was smart enough to take the stretch slowly after the initial shock, hoping that it would get a lot more easier as he warmed up, but it was hopeless. All of the years of stretching he worked on in his original body was useless here. (But in the first place, he shouldn’t have been able to feel such searing pain without waking up.)

He grunted stubbornly as he tried to push his knees down. “This body is terrible!” Lesson learned: Yuri can’t be a handsome, masculine skater that is also flexible and graceful like a ballerina. This was the part where he woke up, called Victor at 3 a.m., and suffered the I told you so lecture from the senior skater. Yes, he should cherish what he had instead of focusing on his insecurities. If he ever found a genie lamp, he would definitely not wish that he complied with gender roles or submitted to toxic masculinity. He’d buy a pink tutu as soon as he woke up to emphasize just how learned this valuable lesson was.

But just like real life, there was no waking up. He pinched himself and bit his tongue, yet he was still stuck. “I’m a really deep sleeper, aren’t I? Well, if this really is the ‘reality’ of my desires, then I’ll just make myself flexible again. It’s not like that was never an option.”

It was frustrating to have his muscles scream at the simplest positions, like touching his toes, but it wasn’t that bad. It only made sense that a body with longer limbs and fuller muscles was severely less flexible than his original body, especially given that “Otabek” didn’t seem to do ballet for off-ice training. Rather, starting all over again from the beginning was refreshing. He was on a new adventure to regain everything he lost, but with a new background and new environment. His old restrictions were gone, replaced by new obstacles that he knew exactly how to overcome.

Yuri’s body may change, but his mindset won’t.

Yuri checked his (Otabek’s) phone while he straightened his back in the straddle stretch. Truly, the best way to get to know someone was to look at their browsing history. There were a lot of videos of his past performances there, as in, Yuri Plisetsky’s previous programs, all from various years and competitions. That didn’t help answer the question of who Otabek Altin was, except maybe that he happened to be one of Yuri’s Angels.

He wasn’t sure what to make of that, so he kept scrolling down: motorcycle chain lube reviews, weather in Almaty, Beethoven Violin Concerto, damdy-nan recipe, define insanity, out of body experience, Freaky Friday, how to start a fire with water… He felt like he knew Otabek a little better, but it wasn’t enough. He kept digging through the apps (no games, no social media, three graphing calculators?) until he found a diary. He thanked Apple for automatically translating all the entries to Russian.

He leaned over to his left leg and reached for his foot with one hand. He hated how far it was. Once he managed to hold onto his foot, he kept breathing deeply and focused on the diary to distract himself from how much he wanted to stop. The stretch one avoided the most was the one that one needed the most. Otabek was avoiding all the stretches and that was a crime Yuri had to atone for if he was going to occupy Otabek’s body in his dreams.  

Tuesday’s entry was boring. “3 mile run. 100 jumping jacks. 50 pushups. 50 sit-ups. 75 crunches. 1 minute plank. Two hours at gym. Triple axel is cleaner, so is quadruple toe loop, but quadruple Salchow is still a struggle,” he read aloud. Yuri rolled his eyes. He thought diaries were supposed to be more scandalous than recording a workout routine. He scanned through the rest of that day’s entry because he understood already, Otabek works out and stunning bodies don’t bloom overnight. The very bottom caught his eye. “Even though I kept myself busy all day, the uneasiness from yesterday will not subside. I can only hope that such a phenomenon is not recurring.”

He swung over to his right leg, passing through the middle, and rested his cheek on his right knee despite how much his legs protested. It was something he did out of habit and it would pay off later as long as Yuri didn’t pull anything.

There was no entry for Monday. How conveniently vague. Yuri supposed Otabek was smart to write in such a manner, in case someone (Yuri) happened to read the diary. If he cared so much about privacy, he should’ve had a password on his phone.

At least they both agreed that something strange happened on Monday that neither of them could describe.

Yuri still had no clue what Otabek’s coach was saying and judging from the coach’s tone and body language, a simple nod wasn’t going to cut it forever. He had just finished stretching and the coach started saying words to him. There were so many words. “Can you speak Russian?” he finally asked. Yuri had a plan, kind of. He knew that Russian was a co-official language in Kazakhstan and he was just going to wing it from there.

“Of course, why?”

The clouds opened up and a choir of angels sang a heavenly chord.

“Speak only Russian to me, from now on. I want to practice that language.”

The coach was impressed by that. “Of course. As I was saying, your jumps are strong, but you still lack the proper grace to make your choreography flow well…”

Yuri was also impressed by himself. He couldn’t believe he managed to pull that off. “I will be more graceful, from now on.”

“That will be the focus of today’s session. I understand that you’re not a typical figure skater. You started late, you lack the ballet fundamentals that every skater practices every day, and you struggle every day… Otabek, you are severely disadvantaged, but I ask you, what is a hero without weakness?”

Yuri withheld a smirk. The thought of him, an addict of winning, being disadvantaged in the skating world was too laughable. He wanted to look around and ask who the hell was being described because Yuri Plisetsky did not struggle, had no disadvantages, and wasn’t in the mood for lame rhetorical questions. “A hero without weakness? That’s the goal.” He walked away and glided onto the ice.

The coach watched from the side. “Show me the most natural skating you know, and we’ll go from there.”

Yuri stared at the coach blankly. They were speaking the same language now, but he still couldn’t understand what the hell the coach meant by his “most natural” skating. Maybe everyone was vague in Kazakh. No wonder Otabek struggled so much. He turned to face the coach with his hands on his hips, skating backwards. “Is my current skating unnatural?”

“When you perform, you have less than ten minutes to leave an impression on the judges. They’re eager to see you. Your natural skating is more than what your choreography wants you to do. It is the movements you resort to when you need something expressed.”

Very profound. Also, very extraneous. Even the melodramatic Victor could have said the same thing without the speech. Skate for me, Victor would have pleaded as he trailed his feather-light fingers along Yuri’s jaw before tilting his chin up so he could see the same three words reflected in those eyes of Victor, which were as clear of a blue as the swatches of sky that peeked behind the cloudy skies of St. Petersburg in winter and gazed down at him like--

Yuri chose to skate Georgi’s 2015 short program as an inside joke. Georgi’s theme that year was “Said, But Not Spoken.” His inner monologue while he skated that program was probably about not being able to express his love for his girlfriend Anya properly, or something equally repulsive. In Yuri’s case, he would be thinking about how little sense there was in the new world he woke up in.

He forgot the song Georgi skated to. Yuri only paid attention to the story Georgi unfolded when he practiced his program. Georgi had a way of skating his love for Anya so blatantly that it made him uncomfortable. There was no other interpretation to read other than the one Georgi performed for the audience. Yuri could hear the exact thoughts running through his rinkmate’s mind with every sharp movement and intense facial expression. He felt like he was at a theater whenever Georgi skated. He always told Georgi that it wasn’t a good idea to base his themes around his girlfriend or he might retire when they broke up because his muse would be gone. Unfortunately, Georgi was a fool that believed in Happily Forever After.

Triple axel. Yuri was surprised he was able to nail the landing in an unfamiliar body. The body must know how to perform triple axels, too.

The coach clapped furiously. Yuri stopped skating. In less than two minutes, Yuri’s grace was proven. He was hoping that their session was done now so he could see test what good Otabek’s muscles really were on the ice.

“I am impressed…”

That was a relief. Yuri didn’t want to explain that he only knew the chunks of the program that he liked the most and wouldn’t have been able to skate an entire cohesive performance. Yakov wouldn’t have even let him past the entrance into the opening pose. Georgi would have tackled him and stolen the show to show Yuri how it was “really” done.

“Now, show me your most natural skating, and we’ll go from there, Otabek.” There was a slight emphasis in the name that hinted, perhaps, this wasn’t a silly dream about a silly life. “That kind of grace does not belong to you. It’s what may seep into your bones after years of experience and sustains the image I saw like lifeblood. You may be afflicted with it right now, like a curse, but it is not yours.”

Yuri tried to tuck hair behind his ear that wasn’t there. He didn’t like this coach at all. Good was good, no matter who skated it or how, and there was no way his gracefulness could have been logically misinterpreted as a mere fluke. If that was the way this coach wanted to play, then so be it. “What is my natural skating? I have forgotten it to pursue grace.”

The coach’s expression did not betray disappointment. Yuri had no reason to feel a pang in his heart for asking. He didn’t care about sticking to a certain style like it was set in stone. Versatility was essential in the skating world. Identity was just a name and a reputation.

“It is valiance when you’re the only one fighting.”

Yuri wondered how close he could get to imitating that on the ice; he wasn’t sure what a hero without weaknesses was supposed to be, anymore.

Otabek had no idea how he was supposed to get anything done with so little time, but he wasn’t really Otabek anymore because he was in Yuri’s body trying to follow Yuri’s schedules and trying so hard to live up to Yuri’s expectations. He was familiar with the old adage about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. It was why he looked at whoever addressed him in the eyes and politely responded back. Life was hard. The whips and scorns of time turned a blind eye to no one. The only new thing he was learning was that Yuri Plisetsky’s life was especially hard.

Cleaning Yuri’s room helped a lot, even if it was a little bit messier than when he left it. Being able to see with both eyes was also a great advantage. Yuri’s hair (Otabek’s, for now) was up in a tiny ponytail while he, Otabek in Yuri’s body trying to do things the way Yuri would have done them, rushed out of the house.

He bumped into four-time gold medalist of the World Championships and Grand Prix Finals Victor Nikiforov on his front step. Otabek was in a dream, he swore, but the arms squeezing his tiny body were too real to deny. They (Yuri and Victor, certainly not Otabek and Victor) followed each other on every social media they had, had nicknames for each other, and were even on a regular hugging basis. He awkwardly let himself be squeezed by the man he envied deeply.

“Dobroye utro, kotyonok!” Victor greeted.

That meant “Good morning, kitten” in Russian. Otabek felt accomplished for knowing that much. His Russian was rusty. “Dobroye utro, Vict--Vitya.” He buried his blush in Victor’s chest. He wasn’t used to being called a kitten and definitely not used to addressing the older man in such a cutesy manner.

Victor actually squealed. “Toooo cute!” He released Otabek from the hug and pinched Yuri’s cheeks.

Otabek agreed. Yuri is absolutely adorable. He tried hard not to imagine what Yuri’s voice would sound like if he said “Qayırlı tañ, Beka” like his little sister did. He didn’t even have to, since he could easily say it to himself when he was alone, but he was a good person that didn’t take advantage of other people’s bodies for self-indulgent purposes. Walking a mile in someone else’s shoes didn’t entail kissing the heels and wishing to be stepped on with those shoes.

“Hey, why don’t I teach you how to drive?”

Otabek blinked. He really did not want to squeeze that into Yuri’s schedule. “When?”

“No better time than the present!”

Otabek had no clue how in the world Yuri handled Victor. “You mean, right now? We have to go to the ice rink right now, don’t we?”

“Yeah! You can drive! It’ll kill two stones with one bird.”

“Wait a second, isn’t it…” That imagery was horrifying. He was glad he already knew how to drive because Victor was the last person that should be teaching it. Victor would have been killing two skaters with one bad lesson.

Getting into Victor’s car was a mistake. Otabek only realized that as soon as it was too late to get out; he needed to start the car as soon as possible or they would be late to practice. Victor wasted too much time insisting that it was only logical that the phrase was killing two stones with one bird because killing birds was bad and difficult to do with one stone. Otabek didn’t know why he bothered arguing that animal abuse was the theme either way and that stones were impossible to kill because they weren’t sentient in the first place. The clock was ticking.

Otabek had to scoot the seat very far forward for comfort and bring the rearview mirror way farther down than it was originally. He buckled in his seatbelt. Victor’s phone camera was audibly snapping pictures of him as he adjusted the side mirrors.

“So, you start the car by pushing the key in and turning it--”

Clockwise, yeah. Otabek would have put more effort in his act of a naive teenager that knew squat about cars, but they had twenty minutes, the ice rink was fifteen minutes away if there was no traffic, and he was going to pretend that Yuri’s prodigal skills also extended to driving. “Seatbelt, Vitya.” He was starting to miss his motorcycle, which never had annoyingly clingy passengers.

Victor laughed. “No, I trust you, Yura! I’ll just give directions.”

Otabek was going to beg Yuri’s grandfather to give Yuri driving lessons instead of Victor. There was no way Yuri was going to be taught how to drive by such an irresponsible man.

“The speed limit is just a suggestion, by the way. Speed up 25 more kilometers per hour.”

“Vitya…” He chose his words carefully. “I’m too scared to go 100 kilometers per hour in a residential area.”

“I suppose I drove at the same speed as you when I first got behind the wheel, too…”

Dear God.

Otabek was barely on time. He had three minutes to get to the ballet class. His parking was crooked, but that was a detail that wouldn’t matter tomorrow, so he didn’t care enough to fix--okay, fine, he did care enough to fix it. It was counterproductive to not sympathize with the poor person that had to park next to him while was busy pitying Yuri and his exhausting life. He had two minutes to get to the ballet class. He could make it.

It was instinct to hold open the door for Victor, even if that meant shaving off more valuable seconds. Victor must have seen him shiver at the initial gust of air from inside the rink because he put his arm around his shoulder. Being so openly affectionate with a living legend was easily the most surreal part of the experience. He kept his eyes down and tried to casually walk past Yuri’s coach, Yakov. Even though it has been five years since he attended Yakov’s ballet camp, he was still intimidated by the coach.

Victor’s hand drifted down to his lower back. “Yuri.”

Otabek had no idea what that tone meant or what he was doing wrong. Maybe Victor just liked saying Yuri’s name. “Um…”

Yakov was more direct. “Yuri! Why is your posture so terrible today?”

Oh. That’s what Victor meant. “Sorry…” He squared his shoulders and straightened his back. Victor assisted by tilting his chin up so that he was no longer staring at the ground.

Yakov gave a stern nod of approval. He wasn’t quite impressed, but Otabek had passed for now. Otabek forgot how strictly disciplined Russian figure skaters were. He never thought about posture too much until his coach pointed it out. It added to the air of a person. Posture correction in itself was intimidating enough. A straight back could easily set you apart from the others. Yet, Otabek also had to wonder why Victor hadn’t gotten called out for his posture. The older skater was casually slouching all of his weight onto Yuri’s small body, which subtly pushed Otabek away from the dance studios and towards the ominously dark staircase.

Victor waved happily at Yakov and Mila. “Dobroye utro, Yakov. I’m going to work with Yuri for off-ice training again.”

Again? Otabek didn’t realize there was variation in Yuri’s schedule that contradicted the exact words Yuri inputted into his phone. 6 A.M. to 7 A.M. was supposed to be off-ice training at Yakov’s ice rink with the female junior skaters’ ballet class in Dance Studio A. All of the events in Yuri’s schedule had precise wording like that, which Otabek assumed was set in stone. It made Otabek’s life in Yuri’s body a lot more convenient. Yuri’s phone was his map and compass. Really, it was only Victor that steered Otabek off-course.

Yakov didn’t let Victor’s casual greeting slip by. “Oy, who’s the coach here? You should be asking for permission, not informing me like you already have it.”

Victor laughed nervously. He was caught. “May I?”

Yakov gave Victor the evil eye.

Now that Otabek thought about it, just because Victor liked being affectionate with Yuri didn’t mean that was a normal occurrence. Victor did as he pleased. Then, that meant Otabek had been relinquishing control to Victor that he normally didn’t have this entire time… “Shouldn’t you be asking my permission?”

Yakov nodded.

Now that was a dream-wakening lesson. Too bad Otabek was just living in a very strange reality, where profound moments were like standalone stories that contributed to no bigger series. This was another isolated event that didn’t have to matter. Otabek wanted it to matter, though.

Victor rephrased himself. “Yuri, I’m going to--”

Yakov shook his head.

“We’re going to--”

Yakov cleared his throat.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” Victor swore. “Nobody can control Yuri’s body except for Yuri, of course!”

Victor could have stabbed Otabek in the chest with a skating blade and it would’ve hurt less than that seemingly obvious statement. This body wasn’t Otabek’s.  

“So, Yuri, do you want to train with me this morning?”

Otabek sunk into himself. This entire conversation was pointless because he actually did want to learn from Victor Nikiforov himself and the real Yuri had no say in this. Otabek had to resort to consequentialism for this moral fork in the road since Yuri wasn’t the one who had to experience this and it wouldn’t hurt Yuri either way. “... Yes.”

Victor laughed. “You were supposed to say no.”

Yakov looked ready to explode. “Stop deciding these things, Vitya! Dah isn’t dah without a dah!”

Otabek found the lightswitch at the bottom of the staircase leading up to the second floor of the rink. Before he could even get to the first step, Victor raced to the top and turned off the lights with the switch on top. Otabek tried turning them on again, only for Victor to submerge them in darkness again. He had a feeling this was some kind of riddle, so he switched the lights on, then off again quickly, expecting Victor to instinctively follow by flicking his switch, which would end up turning the lights back on. Victor didn’t. After Otabek accepted defeat and just relied on the railings to get up the stairs safely, the lights were back on.

“Why is it that I was able to anticipate every move you made, yet I’m still surprised?” Victor asked.

Otabek wanted to ask why Victor had to make everything so difficult. He didn’t. He just walked up the stairs like a normal person who wanted to transition between floors in peace.

Georgi looked him up and down. “Yuri, your posture looks terrible.”

Otabek didn’t get it. His back was straight, his shoulders were squared, his chin was parallel to the ground, and yet he was subjected to criticism as soon as he entered the dance studio.

He had met Georgi before… kind of. This was his first year being in the same division, since he had barely gotten out of the junior division, but he saw Georgi at some banquets he was forced to attend. He watched Georgi’s free skate for a couple of minutes at the previous Grand Prix Finals. They were probably in the same hotel at least--well, the point is that Otabek was surprised that Georgi thought his best posture was wretched. Every time they secretly acknowledged each other’s passing presence, Georgi was thinking that his posture was terrible. That is, if Otabek even stood out from the background enough to be noticed.

Russians are relentless.

“He doesn’t mean that,” the redhead female skater assured. “It’s just that the posture looks terrible on you.”

Shoot… What’s her name? Being the antisocial hermit Otabek was, he didn’t bother to learn the names of anyone that he wasn’t going to perform immediately after. Yakov’s coaching at the summer ballet camp he attended years ago was scary enough to leave its own imprint. Victor Nikiforov was, well, the Victor Nikiforov. So, he didn’t know the redhead’s name, but Yuri’s contact name for her on his phone was “Old Hag”, so sarcasm should be the appropriate response.

“Of course,” Otabek said. He mentally kicked himself. His response came out more like he had low standards for himself, not in the dry yet teasing manner that he was hoping for. It was hard to be rude on purpose to an older female skater. Respect for women was basically embedded into his DNA.

Georgi frowned. “Don’t take it so harshly,” he said apologetically.

Don’t say it so harshly, then.

“I’m just used to you being more…” Georgi trailed off. The word was on the tip of his tongue, but on the bottom of his mind.

“Pretty?” Victor provided.

“Feisty!” Mila suggested, with an added hiss and claw-swiping gesture for effect.

“No, no--rude, maybe?” Georgi guessed.

Victor clapped his hands together. “Oh, yes! Like a total bitch!”

Otabek’s face fell. He knew why he was standing out so much despite trying his best to hide, now. He was trying to survive when Yuri always wanted to thrive. It was so obvious that Yuri’s friends could see the difference at a glance. He clenched his fists, then put a hand on his hip and leaned his weight to one side. Throw yourself away, Otabek. You’re Yuri Plisetsky right now. “W… What the hell does that mean?” He glared up at Victor and bared his teeth a little. I’m sorry, Vitya, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…

Victor was happy to be spoken at so crudely. Otabek wondered if this was what it was like to have friends.

“You’re certainly not this stupid on a daily basis to not know what a ‘total bitch’ entails,” Victor snapped back with a calm smile. “I’ll volunteer to be your tutor in Russian, too, if that means I can help you understand exactly how much of a bitch you are.”

At this point, Otabek would have usually put on a cool mask and walked out without any further conflict. He imagined that Yuri would’ve said something like… “You don’t have to be superfluous just because I know exactly who’s below me.”

Georgi snapped his fingers. “I can’t believe I didn’t notice!”

A bead of sweat rolled down Yuri’s neck.

“Your hair is tied back! It looks nice.”

Otabek let out the breath he was holding.

Victor nodded in agreement. “Right? I like it better when I can see Yuri’s face.” 

“Whatever,” Otabek spat out. “Just let me stretch in peace.”

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m really really sorry!

Otabek would stretch for hours every day if he had Yuri’s body. (He does, actually, but that’s not the point.) Victor was watching him do a handstand while he slowly widened his legs into a left splits. Ironically, Otabek would have to stretch for hours every day if he wanted to be as flexible as Yuri. Perhaps he could pencil that into his schedule. If Yuri could when he barely had time to eat a full meal, then it would be a breeze for Otabek.

Yuri must be enjoying Otabek’s schedule. Otabek was glad that he didn’t have as many obligations as Yuri. No ballet classes, bi-weekly private lessons instead of every day, no piano lessons, no intensive homeschooling sessions, no Victor Nikiforov bothering him every second of the day, no rinkmates to criticize his every movement… Why, the only thing that could possibly give Yuri any trouble was the job as a waiter he recently took up at a Russian restaurant for extra money. His shift was only at 10 a.m. sharp…

Every day.

Victor’s quick reflexes caught Otabek when he lost balance and almost snapped his neck in half. “Careful, Yuri,” he chided softly.

Otabek scrambled out of Victor’s arms towards his bag. It was still barely past 7. He could call his phone (his actual phone) and tell Yuri that Otabek had to go to his job. He might also have to spill the beans that Yuri wasn’t dreaming and they really were switching bodies for what seemed like every other day, but there was no way Otabek could miss his entire shift at the four and a half star restaurant he barely got. The pay was amazing. He only had two sponsors, which were both his parents, and he desperately needed that job to afford another season in competition.

He would buy a plane ticket to Almaty right now if that meant keeping his job. As soon as he found his phone, he dialed his number and ran out into the hallway. He practiced what he was going to say.

“Yuri, this voice sounds familiar because it’s… No. Yuri, do you remember me? No, too lengthy. Yuri, I love your body--ah, that’s too suggestive.”

The phone rang only three times before it went to voicemail. Otabek glared at the phone screen. “You seriously declined a call from yourself?”

He didn’t realize that Russia was three hours behind Kazakh.

Yuri hated Otabek’s job. He was barely on time, only thanks to him snooping around in Otabek’s diary. The Medved Tavern and Restaurant was an overpriced poshfest where the waiters were quizzed on their knowledge of the menu every time they took an order and the wine experts turned their nose if you poured the unnecessarily expensive grape juice at an angle they weren’t pleased with. He cringed every time someone mispronounced a menu item and passive aggressively pointed out that it was also acceptable to simply state the number of the item because that’s exactly what those numbers were intended for.

Yuri was smart, though. He asked a coworker how to use a corkscrew before he was pushed out of the kitchen, and after that, he was out serving tables like the rent was overdue. He declined a call without even looking at the caller ID because as troublesome as having a shift during the freakin’ lunch rush was, the prices on the menu guaranteed that Otabek was paid decently. Yuri never could turn away an opportunity for making money, even it wasn’t his.

“Otabek!” a chef yelled at him. Yuri turned on his heel. Strangely, he was already used to being called by a different name. “Tezirek jıljıtıñız!”

Yuri put his hand on his hip and tucked a silver platter under his arm. “Speak Russian, mu’dak. You’ll make this place drop a star if you can’t make the atmosphere authentic.”

He barely blocked the knife thrown at him with the platter. The chef yelled at him in Russian, this time. “Mouth off one more time and you’ll be dead! Now move faster!”

Yuri picked up the knife and stabbed it into a cutting board on the counter. “Why don’t you--”

A coworker slapped a hand over his mouth, replaced the platter with a stack of menus, and pushed Yuri out into the kitchen before any more knives were thrown. Yuri was already handing out menus to another table of impatient pigs and taking orders before he could protest. Such was the norm when one’s shift was right at the lunch rush.

A woman way too old for Yuri, but maybe barely too old for Otabek was trying to undress him with her eyes while he mechanically described the dish of the day that the restaurant was desperately trying to promote. She batted her eyelashes at him and spoke in Russian. “Wow, your Russian is so good. Did you grow up there?” Her hand wrapped around his while he pointed to the item on her menu.

Yuri gingerly removed her hand. Lay off, old lady. This hot body is mine. “I’ll give you time to decide your order.” He walked away with a strong urge to wash his hands. Man, that was a weird thought. This body isn’t really mine, but since I have it right now…

Dress-up was Yuri’s favorite game as a child, to the disappointment of his parents. He never understood what they wanted from him. They were pleased with money, but not his career as a figure skater. They wanted a normal son, but sold his body to ballet and sent him to live with his grandpa. They expected him to grow up like a normal man, but trained him like a daughter. Yuri supposed what they wanted was Otabek.

He unbuttoned his crisp white shirt and let it fall off of him. His fingers trailed down defined muscles, chiseled in the gym and refined in the rink. He admired Otabek’s body. It was one that Yuri could train to be the perfect danseur, with enough time. It could follow his dreams and live up to his parent’s expectations. Yuri’s own body was stuck in its own path to success, long and treacherous and far from everyone else. He could scream without shame, glory, or response. It was his reward and consequence for taking the road less traveled by.

Otabek lived alone in an apartment that he worked hard at a four and a half star Russian-themed restaurant for to keep because it was near the ice rink. Yuri could get used to that. He collapsed in Otabek’s bed and hugged himself.

“So this is what it’s like to embrace a man’s body.”

Yuri had a lot of issues he had to deal with, but Otabek also had a lot of clothes to try on. He was certain that the waiter uniform wasn’t the only outfit Otabek looked good in.

Landing a quadruple Salchow was so much easier in Yuri’s body that his own. Otabek couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. He approached it the way he usually did. After he caught his breath, he went for a quadruple axel. Again, it was better than any attempt he made in his own body.

Victor whistled. “That’s the best I’ve ever seen from you.”

Green eyes widened. “Is it really?” He couldn’t brush it off as muscle memory, although that would’ve been an interesting concept to explore.

Victor nodded. “Yeah, although the height seems to be lacking.”

“Actually, it’s easier to not have too big of a step up so that the skater can pull into the rotation position more quickly… When the x and y velocity components are calculated independently, you can see that it’s more efficient--”

Victor ignored him and did a quadruple axel to see for himself. He used more height than Otabek’s calculations would have recommended. Of course, the landing was perfect because it was Victor who did it. “I don’t get it. More height is more beautiful, no?”

Otabek was suddenly homesick for his rink in Almaty, where he could focus on himself and not be shown up by figure skating legend Victor Nikiforov himself. Adding more height looked more pleasing, but wasn’t necessarily more efficient. Even the execution of jumps was something Victor did the opposite in what was expected. Otabek gasped. “I see! The height characterizes the style of your jumps!” He used to think that jumps were something anyone could do with the right amount of training, that as long as certain qualifications lined up, the jump would go well. He didn’t consider that the math of the jumps could be adjusted for aesthetic. He was focused more on efficiency and technique, while Victor was charming the world with extra difficulty. Victor really did make everything harder than it had to be. “But does your body make your technique possible or is your technique body-independent?” he wondered aloud.

Victor skated circles around him. “I am very independent.” He suddenly skidded to a stop and purposely sent slushy ice in Otabek’s face.

Otabek’s eyes were drawn to the golden blades. He forgot to account for different models of skates. It could be Yuri’s skates that made it easier to land quads. Or, Otabek could be used to expending more effort to perform quads because his body was bulkier and expending that same amount of effort in Yuri’s body, which was much lighter, could be making the quads easier. Meaning, Yuri’s body was ideal for the technique Otabek used.

This was too strange. Basically, Otabek was using muscle memory with entirely different muscles. He wished he could borrow Victor’s body, too, for more experiments.

Victor laughed at his serious expression. “Skate with me, Yuri.” He took off, dragging Otabek along with him. “Watch and follow.”

He raised one leg behind him and extended a hand in front of him while still holding onto Otabek’s hand. Otabek mirrored the same pose. He followed suit as Victor lowered his leg. Victor led them through a curve, leaning in towards Otabek, and twirled Otabek around before grabbing his hips and briefly lifting him into the air.

It was a simple and easy move, but Otabek wasn’t expecting it, so he clung to Victor as soon as he was safely on the ice. “V-V-Vitya! That was…” He couldn’t find a more mature way to phrase it in Russian. “... scary.”

Victor smiled. “Are you afraid of trying new things?”

“I’m scared of finding new ways to die.” Otabek was getting better at bluntly saying the first thing that came to mind, especially when it came to Victor’s antics.

Victor held Otabek, but continued to skate around the rink with him. “Would you like it if I was just ‘horny’?”

Yuri’s face was set ablaze. “W-Wh-Wha…”

Victor just smiled at him and gave no context whatsoever. “I’m sorry, Yuri. I know you want me to be more than that, when it comes to you.”

Otabek didn’t know how to interpret this, anymore. He wasn’t used to having rinkmates, much less one with an ambiguous relationship that could either be strictly platonic, strictly romantic, strictly sexual, or some secretive combination of those choices. “Um.” He hoped that hugging Victor was the right answer. Or, maybe he was accidentally leading Victor on.

If only he could just straight-up reject Victor on the spot.

If only Yuri’s body truly was his.

[mikkeneko]

2016 writing retrospective

Thanks to all the people that tagged me :) I did this last year, so I might as well do it again! I put the full list of fics at the bottom, so people don't have to scroll past it.

Total number of completed stories?

18-ish (iffy, see 'Word Count')

Total word count?

AO3 gives a word count of 221,975 but I think that's iffy; it's slightly inflated by a few non-story entries, fics that were crossposted to AO3 late that were actually written in 2015, and also does not  count tumblr-only fics. Still, let's take it as a fairly good indicator, maybe add another 15k for the off-site fics.

Fandoms written in?

Almost exclusively Dragon Age, with one exception for the Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle Olympics this year.

Ship/character breakdown?

This year definitely has a lot more Fenris in it than last year, although Anders remains the primary focus. Hawke and Justice have both stepped back a bit. Also a few unusual POV characters, like Cole and Merrill.

Looking back, did you expect to write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?

Less, I'd have to say. I took a hiatus from my big project around about August in the hopes that I could knock out a big batch of other fics and get back to it, but they're still not done and I'm still not back to it. It didn't help that I got pretty sick in the fall, and that work has been insanely stressful pretty much all year, which combined to rob me of any creative energy in the later part of the year.

What’s your own favorite story of the year?

Personally I really liked 'Once Upon A Time (the Ballad of Ser Pounce-a-lot)' for its unusual format and mixture of cuteness and angst.

Did you take any writing risks this year?

Nothing spectacular; I wrote a few stories in epistolary format, which was new for me, and I tried out Cole's POV, which is very challenging.Plus ‘once upon a time,’ as mentioned above.

Do you have any fanfic or profit goals for the new year?

I really want to get back to One Elegant Solution and I'd really like to finish it; and, as always, I want to get into writing practice screenplays. Whether any of this will actually happen, I can't say for sure.

Most popular story of the year?

'One Elegant Solution' has the most hits by far, but I'm not sure it's fair to count that as a 2016 story when it was started in 2015. 'Subtle Touch' and 'To Hold Back the Sky' are about evenly matched as runner-ups. But I have to say that my biggest dark horse fic is actually 'Love Story,' the Templar/Desire Demon tumblr-only post that went viral.

Most under-appreciated by the universe?

I might have to go with 'Let His Name Be Not Forgotten,' a Cole-centric story that remains my only purely Inquisition-era fic. It got very little attention, probably because I'm not generally a DAI writer and so most DAI fans would have no reason to come to my profile. Still, I was very pleased with it.

Most fun story to write?

'Demensum Kirkwall Defensor,' aka 'Tevinter Has Imax,' aka the 'Ember Island Players for Dragon Age II' story where Anders, Hawke, Isabela and Fenris sit through a terrible cinematic adaptation of their own exploits. There were so many in-jokes and roasts in that fic… It was a blast.

Most sexy story?

Probably 'To Hold Back the Sky' simply because most of the other fics don't have sex scenes in them at all. I do think the 'zero-g threesome sex' scene turned out well, despite my apprehensions about it.

Most sweet story?

I might actually have to go with 'Fruits of Posion, Flowers of Blood,' the Merrill-centric story. Anders comes to help Merrill when she's sick, and though I'm pretty sure I succeeded at keeping everyone in character, I was definitely drawing on the more tender, sweet aspects of those characters.

“Holy crap, that’s wrong, even for you!” story?

Nothing on the main list really fits this category. Hm. Let's look at tumblr exclusives… There was the ‘elves as egg-layers’ fic, but that’s not really all that wild. I think my ‘testing boundaries’ phase of fandom writing is behind me, overall.

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters?

Perhaps 'To Hold Back the Sky' again. It and 'Blood Feathers' were my first attempts at really writing Fenris as a POV character, and that does change your perception of a character somewhat.

Most unintentionally telling story:

I'm not really sure what this means. I think this is the sort of question someone else would have to answer FOR me. The ‘Sit In Judgment’ series probably comes the closest to being my unfiltered fandom meta opinion, wherein I don’t really try that hard to hide my biases, but because of that I’m not sure it’s ‘unintentional.’

Hardest story to write?

'To Hold Back The Sky' has actually been insanely difficult to write, as much fun as it's been. I've struggled with pretty much every chapter, even the ones that ought to have been easy. I'm not entirely sure why it's been so hard. Constructing the worldbuilding and the plot has been easy, it's the actual writing that's hard.

Biggest disappointment?

As much as I hate to say it, it might have to be 'Blood Feathers.' While the end result was fun and people seemed to like it, it was a very truncated version of what the story really ought to have been and I think the finished product suffered for that. It ought to have been a much longer story about Fenris slowly growing into his role as a Warden and his bond with his griffon, but instead jumps over almost all of the character growth to play around with a 'fenris is a warden' for a few scenes before shoehorning in a romance plotline and then ending abruptly. I simply didn't have the time, or perhaps the energy (since this fic was written after I started to get sick) to really give it the space it deserved.  

And as promised, here's the full list of fics!

TIME ENOUGH 

ONE ELEGANT SOLUTION 

TO HOLD BACK THE SKY

BLOOD FEATHERS

DEMENSUM KIRKWALL DEFENSOR

GLASS 

A GOOD DAY 

THE LONG RUN

LET HIS NAME BE NOT FORGOTTEN

LESSONS 

ONCE UPON A TIME (the ballad of ser pounce)

Pride and Prejudice (and Gambling Debts)

Subtle Touch 

One Epistolary Solution 

An Avvar Love Story: THE LAST STRAW

Sit In Judgment: Anders 

fruits of poison, flowers of blood 

Not posted on AO3 for some reason, but still written this year:

RESET (Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle)

And that’s all!

[someusefulinfothatifound]

Tips on trick questions you will be asked at the ATOS medical or Tribunal

(taken from fightback facebook page) 

March 20, 2013 at 7:11 PM

Forewarned is forearmed.. some tips on questions you will be asked at the ATOS medical or Tribunal the reason behind each question is to establish what you can do, basically the examiner or doctor in the tribunal will make assumptions based on your answers, these are often wrong assumptions, but knowing what you are being asked before hand may help you pass the medical first time, and as the appeal rate is going to be delayed for new claimants shortly its best to get it right first time. What I am saying is that you answer truthfully but you ensure you give the WHOLE picture,this example is from a conversation with a client just this week and is the truth, Medical Examiner: "Q your hair looks nice, do you visit the hairdressers regularly? Ans, yes but I have to go home with it wet or with dye still on most times and cannot sit in the chair long enough. Q You said in your questionnaire you like to go to the woods is this correct? A Yes the woods are 50 yards from my house, I struggle to get their but force myself every week to get there, otherwise I would be so depressed staying in the house because of my condition, I sit just at the entrance and rest listening to the birds for a short while then return, the rest of the day I will be shattered because I have over exerted myself but it is worth it to keep me sane. These are the answers that don't get given as often people are scared, or nervous. we are merely alerting people to the fact that these questions will be asked almost every time in a tribunal or a medical and to think about what they truthfully would answer outside the box, rather just a straight one line answer that will make the judge or examiner come to the assumption that is most often incorrect So here are a list of questions they will most likely ask you and why.

Are you going away or have you been away this year, A yes, they will assume you can get about, mobilise, etc, if you have then you Need to tell them exactly what you did, ie if you haven't had a holiday in years and your family went to help out, if you struggled with mobility whilst there, etc etc

Do you have a dog? they will ASSUME that because you have a dog, you can take it for exercise, ie walk, they will assume you can open cans of food, and bend down to feed him, and they will assume that you can get up quite quickly in order to take him out when he wants to go..

Do you have a washing machine? Yes: they ASSUME that having a washing machine means you can follow complicated instructions, and know the chronological order that the washing cycle takes. They will also maybe assume you can remember this.

Do you have a car?  They assume if you drive, even if you do not drive often, that you can follow directions/maps complicated instructions and sit for long periods of time, whilst multitasking and going to unfamiliar places. They will also assume that you are safe to go out alone. And get yourself in and out of the car ok, so bang goes the care needs in some cases.

Do you visit the hairdressers?  Yes, they will assume you get a] get there ok, b] sit still long enough to have a perm, colour etc c] socialise with strangers whom you have never met ie customers, d] leave after sitting for so long, and not have any problems with your return journey.  

Do you have a mobile phone? They assume the mobile phone user does not have trouble speaking to unfamiliar people or strangers or have trouble communicating. They will assume you can follow complex instructions, and operate it easily, if you cannot do so and it was bought as a gift for relatives to keep a check on you then say so! Do you watch TV?  If yes, they may ask do you like Eastenders etc, Eastenders watchers are ASSUMED to follow complex storylines, without forgetting the order they follow (ie if you have indicated you cant cook as you forget the order of things, this contradicts this according to ATOS.)

Do you have any  pets? If you have other pets ie a lizard or rabbit, cat etc, they need cleaning and looking after so they will ASSUME you can lift, bend, carry, open cans to feed etc and do this depending on the pet on a regular basis despite how you feel. Did you travel by bus? The public transport question shows you are not afraid of going to places where there are crowds, or unfamiliar places, even if you had no choice, it also shows you can relatively high step onto a bus, (if you indicated probs with steps be careful with this question)

Did you come by Taxi, watch for the questions on how you got to the medical, if the taxi driver was unfamiliar, then it contradicts your question on being socially phobic, and shows you can give instructions and communication with strangers. It contradicts anxiety in public as it shows you can get into a strangers car ok.  If you had no choice or if you use a regular taxi firm and driver say so to counteract this assumption. Its idiotic I know but these questions will also be used in a tribunal as well.

Did you come here alone?  This is a crucial question, it shows them that you can get to somewhere unfamiliar alone. Despite the fact you may have had no choice.  If you came with someone and left them in the waiting room, this shows that you were ok for some of it alone, and have not got the anxiety problems or trouble being left alone.. ITs catch 22 for many but these questions are designed to trick you and by asking them it gives the questioning body a whole range of answers that can be completely misconceived.  They also watch you in the waiting room in many cases so if you are sat comfortably for 30 mins there and show no signs of anxiety outwardly then they are likely to verify this with one of the questions above.  

Does the mental condition preventing you from doing leisure activities you previously enjoyed?

The ‘Doctor’ is trying to trip you up again. If you say you are suffering from depression and yet still follow your local football team then this proves you are not depressed. If you say you sometimes get to the allotment to see to your pigeons, then you are fit enough to travel to work. These questions are geared to prove everything you have entered on your IB50 form is false and can be medically debunked by your own answer.

Has agitation, confusion or forgetfulness resulted in any dangerous incidents in the last few months?

From your answer the Doctor will deduce that you have not had any ‘serious’ accidents lately including slips, trips or falls?

You can use a computer?  deal with you finances, correspondence, can read and write, do your own shopping? They are again assuming you have an excellent memory, your coordination and orientation are normal and you were not confused, agitated or forgetful during the ‘examination’?

Does you frequently feel scared or panicky for no obvious reason?

Unless you actually have a panic attack during your ‘examination’ the examiber is at liberty to assume you do not have panic attacks.The usual comment is; Does not experience panic attacks,  Appeared relaxed, Not anxious on examination is entered on the medical usually in most cases..

Are you able to cope with changes in daily routine?

This is answered from the questions above.  Had an appropriate level of concern because of coming here today, normal concentration on examination, not anxious on examination, does not suffer panic attacks and oddly, has a mobile phone, which you use for texting, chatting, making arrangements and for emergencies.

Interaction with other people Can you look after yourself without help from others?

Beware?You have already been asked this question above from this question your examiner will deduce that you have a mobile phone and use it for texting, chatting, making arrangements and emergencies, can deal with your own finances and correspondence without difficulty, can use a computer and have normal intellectual functioning?

Facts about your ATOS medical,and HOW they assess you before you get into the room. READ THIS if you are going for a medical anytime soon. RECEPTIONIST: When you first get to reception you will be asked for your letter, and details and if you want to claim expenses, this is all part of the game and is an assessment of your ability to follow instructions, read, write and to see how long they can keep you standing there. Plus if you claim parking expenses they assume you were able to walk to their office from whichever car park your ticket comes from. Staff will report your performance to the Doctor. WALKING TO ROOM: When you are taken from the waiting room the assessor will generally walk behind you, so she can assess your walk and how you manage the usual cleverly placed heavy door to the examination room. (They wont hold the door for you deliberately) In fact get whoever is with you to open all doors as you are being assessed on all or most of them. Atos healthcare will observe what you are carrying so ensure any bag is given to a friend. DISTANCE: The rooms are also placed around 10 mtrs from the seating area, so she examines your gait as you walk and times you. WAITING ROOM: Depending on the centre some of the seats purposely have arms to see if you can use them when getting up.The seats provided in the waiting area in some centres are low and uncomfortable to sit on, they have no arms and you are forced to twist to your left or right to get any support by using the back of the chair as you sit or when rising from them. Don't forget if you can't sit for long you don't have to stay glued to the chair as many do in agony, move around big brother is watching you ;-] CAMERAS: You may notice strange black boxes around the room, these are the "security" cameras. Different assessments centres may have different kinds, but you can watch for these black boxes at the entrance to the building and usually any car park provided. ENTRY PHONES: In some centres you have to pick up a phone to security, these are strategically placed low to assess your bending, not to mention your grip. STEPS TO BUILDING: In birmingham and other centres there are 2 steps outside with cameras watching how you negotiate them. Remember this is one of the descriptors. Magazines: Watch for these as many waiting rooms will place interesting looking mags on high racks to encourage you to reach up... These tips are not designed to assist people who are not genuinely disabled, they are there to inform people that there are certain things that ATOS staff will stoop to that make wrong assumptions based on a one off action, under pressure. The fact that someone can step up one step or two does not mean that he can do it repeatedly and safely which is the test for this descriptor..

[lucyariablog]

Actor Brings Community Model to Content Creation

Don’t be fooled by his moniker on HITRECORD, the collaborative production company he founded with his brother in 2004. Actor, director, writer, and producer Joseph Gordon-Levitt is anything but a regular Joe.

His acting career already spans three decades and includes a long list of popular and acclaimed TV shows and movies: 3rd Rock from the Sun, The Dark Knight Rises, Lincoln, Looper, Inception, Snowden, 500 Days of Summer …

Having graduated from child actor to blockbuster star, it’s hard to imagine that Gordon-Levitt ever struggled to find work. Yet an actor’s life is never certain, and dry spells are not uncommon.

At Content Marketing World 2017, Gordon-Levitt talked about how just such a career dry spell led him to seize control of his creative destiny and to build something few startups and brands ever achieve: a thriving online community that not only pays for itself but also shares the wealth with its contributors.

CCO: How did the idea for HITRECORD come about? Were there moments in your life that formed the seeds for this project?

Gordon-Levitt: I’ve been an actor since I was 6 years old. At 19, I quit to go to college. When I wanted back in, I couldn’t get any acting roles. That was painful.

When you’re an actor, you depend on someone else to give you a role. That couldn’t be how it went in my life. I had to be creative and express myself on my own terms. HITRECORD became a symbol for me taking responsibility for my own creative outlet – for being the one to push that record button on the video camera. It’s also a pun. In the past, media was an object you would consume, like a hit record. Now media is more and more something you do, an action you take, something that you’re a part of.

.@hitRECord became a symbol for me taking responsibility for my own creative outlet, says @hitRECordJoe. Click To Tweet

HITRECORD evolved organically as the (online) community grew over the last 10 years. I think that’s a huge strength. You can feel the homegrown origins in the nature of HITRECORD when you go there. It’s not just a startup that was conceived as a business model. I think people feel that. It’s a big part of why creative people – who are notoriously difficult – really do trust HITRECORD. They come. They contribute. They participate. It’s not just a scheme to make money or to collect your data.

CCO: HITRECORD feels like a community for creative brainstorming and ideation. But the platform also generates finished/monetized projects. Do those projects produce enough revenue to support the community or will there be other ways to monetize?

Gordon-Levitt: For a while, it was purely a hobby I worked on with my brother. We didn’t spend money or make money. And then, starting in 2010, we launched as a production company with our co-founders.

We wanted to do ambitious things: create things good enough to become feature films, make records, write books. A TV show was our pie-in-the-sky goal.

To accomplish those things, we had to figure out the legal, intellectual property side. How would it pay for itself? How would artists get paid?

I’m a big believer that if someone works on a project and the project earns money, that person deserves some of the money. It’s great that artists are putting their stuff out there for free if that’s what they want. What I don’t like is when companies make money from contributors without sharing the money. That happens a lot on the internet.

If someone works on a project that earns money, that person deserves some of the money, says @HitRecordJoe. Click To Tweet

So we figured out how to launch HITRECORD as a product. For the first three years, I was bankrolling it. For the last four years, it’s been profitable. It’s paid for itself and grown.

HANDPICKED RELATED CONTENT: How to Grow Your Audience From Zero to Millions in Less Than 5 Years

CCO: What’s the role of non-media brands that produce content on HITRECORD?

Gordon-Levitt: We make money from two categories: branded content and licensed content. Licensed content is like our TV show. We make it and license it to cable companies or Netflix to distribute.

The far more lucrative revenue stream for us is branded content. We have partnerships with lots of different brands. We’ve just wrapped our third year with LG, so we’ve now made three wide-playing TV spots for them. The centerpiece of one campaign was a 30-second commercial during the World Series that performed really well. We also make 60-second versions to go online.

We’ve also done stuff with Samsung, Sony, Levi’s, and National Park Foundation.

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CCO: What’s different about the way HITRECORD operates?

Gordon-Levitt: There are a few things that feel counterintuitive at first. That’s often the case when something’s new. One thing that’s counterintuitive is how we all work together.

Most creativity online is an individual posting something of their own: “Hey, world, look what I did.” On HITRECORD, we’re more about what we can do together when we collaborate. Even very successful sites that crowdsource creativity aren’t really collaborative. They’ll put out a brief and say, “Whoever fulfills this brief the best will win the prize.”

What we do is different. When we issue creative challenges, it’s about people working together to fulfill the challenge in the best way possible. It’s very rare that a single writer will fill the challenge themselves. Other writers will jump in and remix what the first writer did. The result isn’t limited by what the best contest entry is. It can be better than your best entry to the contest. In that way, working together is more effective than just a bunch of isolated individuals working on their own.

CCO: I was inspired by the HITRECORD-produced video of “You’re Not the Only One” as it sums up how a massive group of creatives across multiple disciplines can come together to produce amazing television. How does HITRECORD inspire you personally as an actor and director?

Gordon-Levitt: That song is about not being alone. The internet can be a lonely place even though it brings people together from all over the world. A lot of the platforms on the internet don’t actually encourage togetherness. They don’t encourage people working together to achieve something they wouldn’t be able to achieve on their own.

The result of what online culture has become is everyone trying to be loudest to get the most attention for themselves. There’s something really uplifting about seeing people on HITRECORD come together and prop each other up, working together towards a common goal. The internet’s potential is in collaboration. In the past, it wouldn’t have been possible to have all these people putting their heads together on one thing.

The inherent challenge is how to organize so it doesn’t devolve into chaos. That’s what we work on. We haven’t perfected it yet, but over time we keep getting better at it.

The internet’s potential is in collaboration, putting all these heads together on one thing. @hitRECordJoe‏ Click To Tweet

Collaboration in motion: First Stars I See Tonight

This moving short film was created from a member-submitted story about how she came to see the stars for the first time at age 16.

Gordon-Levitt adapted the “record” into a script and issued challenges to the visual artists in the community to illustrate the story around actors Elle Fanning and James Patrick Stuart. Another member contributed the score, from which member musicians in many countries performed their contributions and submitted the recordings.

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A version of this article originally appeared in the May issue of  Chief Content Officer. Sign up to receive your free subscription to our print magazine every quarter.

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Cover image by Joseph Kalinowski/Content Marketing Institute

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from https://contentmarketinginstitute.com/2018/05/community-content-creation/