#most of the time when they say ‘american accent’ it’s california

[j-esbian]

it is a bit sad to see how many usamericans have internalized the idea that we’re all the same and have no culture or accent diversity aside from “generic american” (manufactured for cable news) “southern” (incredibly diverse btw) and “new yorker”

turn off the tv and go outside

[burrowswomen]

❥ SO AMERICAN ━━━━━ JOE BURROW

: ̗̀➛ word count: 5.6k

: ̗̀➛ warnings: nothing

: ̗̀➛ noor speaks: this took me over a month to write.. so i hope you guys all enjoy!!! (i recommended reading this in ur best british accent to truly get in character)

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

you moved from london to the bay area when you were seventeen.

back home, in london you had never thought much about your ‘accent’—it was just how you spoke, how the people in the uk spoke. but in high school, it became the first thing people noticed about you. the moment you opened your mouth, the teasing started. the way you pronounced words, the slight differences in your vocabulary—it was all fair game for mockery.

so you stopped talking as much. it was easier that way.

but in college, things changed. your accent had softened a bit by then, and instead of being something people laughed at, it became something they found interesting. you had decided to major in journalism, hoping to get a career in digital content creation. by the time you graduated, you landed a job with the los angeles chargers before applying with and getting the job with the cincinnati bengals’ social media team.

you thought you were past the days of people being caught off guard by how you spoke.

but california was one thing. ohio? the middle of basically nowhere? yeah, your accent stuck out again.

whenever you had to interview players for tiktok, there were always multiple takes—not because you messed up, but because the guys needed a second to adjust. they never meant anything by it, but it was obvious that your voice wasn’t what they expected. ja'marr and tee would always end up joking around, slipping into their own exaggerated british accents, making you roll your eyes but laugh anyway.

but joe?

he hated social media. he understood it was part of the job, but if he could avoid it, he would. he’d rather hide behind his helmet than have a mini mic shoved in his face. getting him to agree to even one short clip was nearly impossible.

but today, you had finally gotten him to say yes. just one question. ten seconds, max.

you weren’t about to waste the opportunity.

you hit record, holding up the mic as joe stood in front of you, hands on his hips, already looking like he regretted saying yes.

"so the question of the day is—"

you didn’t even get to finish before joe burst out laughing. 

you sighed. you were used to this by now.

“joe.”

“i’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “let’s try again.”

you gave him a look but restarted. “so, what is your favorite—”

before you could finish, joe stepped out of the frame, laughing again.

“joe!”

“i’m sorry!”

“my accent is barely there! i don’t know what you’re laughing at!”

joe shook his head, still grinning. “nope. it’s still very much there.”

you rolled your eyes. “joe, you’re literally the most american person ever, so don’t.”

he smirked. “yeah, whatever.”

-

after the tenth try, y/n didn’t even bother continuing. she just sighed, shaking her head as joe continued to smirk at her, clearly amused.

"i can't work under these conditions," you muttered, wrapping the mic cord as you stopped the video. "this is why i just stick to ja'marr and tee."

joe huffed out a laugh, still standing with his hands on his hips. "yeah, because they don’t make fun of you at all, right?"

you shot him a look. "oh, they absolutely do. but at least they answer the question before they start acting like i just walked out of a sherlock holmes novel."

joe grinned, but he was still trying to hide his laughter. she could tell.

she glanced down at her phone, debating if she should attempt one more take or just give up entirely. she was pretty sure if she tried again, joe would just find another excuse to laugh. it was rare to even get him in front of the camera like this, but now she was realizing that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t as opposed to it as he let on.

"alright, burrow," you said, stuffing her phone into her pocket. "you win this round."

joe lifted an eyebrow. "i didn’t know this was a competition."

"everything is a competition," you shot back, before turning on your heel to leave.

"so you’re just gonna give up?"

you glanced back at him, smirking. "oh, i’ll get you on camera again. just you wait."

joe just shook his head, still grinning as he walked away.

but after that, something changed.

he stopped avoiding the social media team so much. he still wasn’t exactly eager to be in videos, but he didn’t disappear the moment he saw her coming towards him, either. he didn’t roll his eyes when she approached him with a mic. if anything, he almost seemed like he was waiting for it.

you noticed the way his teammates looked at him whenever you came around, smirking like they knew something you didn’t.

and maybe they did.

but it was safe to say, you did not get that ten-second clip.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

a few days passed before y/n attempted to interview joe again. she wasn’t in a rush—if there was one thing she had learned since working with the team, it was that patience was key.

so when she spotted him on the field during practice, standing near the sideline with his helmet tucked under his arm, she decided it was time.

"alright, burrow," she called as she approached, phone in hand, mic already clipped onto it. "rematch."

joe turned, squinting against the sunlight. "rematch?"

"last time, you didn’t even let me get the question out without laughing," she said, stopping in front of him. "so, we’re trying again."

he huffed out a small laugh, shaking his head. "i didn’t laugh on purpose."

"yeah, yeah, tell that to the footage i have," she said, unlocking her phone. "so, can i get a serious answer this time?"

joe sighed, as if this was the biggest inconvenience of his day, but she could see the slight smirk pulling at his lips. "fine. one question."

y/n grinned, lifting her phone. "okay. If there were an alien on the team, who on the team would it be?" 

she barely got the words out before joe pressed his lips together, his shoulders shaking.

"joe," she warned.

he exhaled, trying to compose himself, nodding. "okay, okay. i got it."

"Who on the team might be an alie—"

joe broke again, tilting his head back as he laughed, completely stepping out of frame.

y/n groaned, stopping the recording. "you’re impossible."

joe wiped his hand down his face, still grinning. "i’m sorry, i really am. it’s just—i don’t know, it catches me off guard every time."

"my accent is barely even there anymore!" she argued, shoving her phone into her pocket.

joe raised an eyebrow. "it’s very much still there."

she rolled her eyes. "you’re just so american, that’s why."

"yeah, whatever," he muttered, shaking his head.

she let out a dramatic sigh. "safe to say, i’m never getting this done, huh?"

joe shrugged. "maybe next time."

"so there’s a next time?" she asked, tilting her head.

he paused for a second before smirking. "we’ll see."

as he walked away, y/n just stood there, watching him go.

and despite failing yet again, she couldn’t help but smile.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

it became a thing after that.

y/n wasn’t sure when exactly, but somehow, joe burrow—the man who avoided social media at all costs—had become her biggest challenge and, oddly, her most entertaining subject.

he never outright agreed to being filmed, but he also never walked away when she approached him, phone in hand, mic ready. instead, he’d give her the same exasperated look, like he was dealing with the biggest inconvenience of his life, before sighing and saying, “one question.”

and every single time, without fail, she never got her answer.

if it wasn’t joe laughing at her accent, it was him making some dry remark that threw her off completely, or worse, making her laugh instead.

one afternoon, after practice, she found him near the bench, towel slung over his shoulder, sweat still clinging to his skin. prime time for a quick interview.

"joe, what’s your go-to hype song before a game?" she asked, phone up, recording already rolling.

joe took a sip from his water bottle, considering. "hmm. probably something really good."

"like?"

"i don’t know, taylor swift or something."

she blinked putting her camera and mic down. "you’re lying."

he shrugged. "am i?"

y/n narrowed her eyes. "name one taylor swift song."

joe paused for a beat, then smirked. "that’s classified."

"oh, you so listen to her," she accused, pointing at him. "swiftie joe is real."

"never said that," he said, amused.

"never denied it either."

he just grinned before walking off, towel draped over his shoulder.

y/n sighed, but she wasn’t even annoyed.

she had a feeling their little game was just getting good.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

joe adjusted his helmet, ready to run the next play, when something in his peripheral caught his attention.

you.

you were standing on the sideline, laughing at something justin—one of the social media guys—was saying. the two of you were standing close, heads tilted toward each other as you scrolled through something on your phone. joe didn’t know why he was paying attention to it, but he was.

"what’s happening over there?" joe asked, nodding in your direction.

ja'marr followed his gaze, then snorted. "looks like they’re tryna decide which ugly picture of us to post."

joe glanced at him, then back at you. you were still laughing, your head tilting back slightly. justin was grinning, clearly proud of whatever he’d just said.

joe didn’t know why, but it bothered him. just a little.

"his name’s justin, right?" joe asked, keeping his tone casual.

"yeah," ja'marr said, stretching his arms over his head. "j something.."

joe hummed in response, eyes still on you. he wasn’t sure what it was—maybe it was how close you were standing. or the way justin kept leaning in slightly when he talked. or maybe it was the fact that he’d never seen you laugh like that at something he said.

"bro, why you acting like that?" ja'marr asked, smirking.

joe frowned. "acting like what?"

"like you care."

"i don’t," joe said quickly. too quickly.

ja'marr just laughed, jogging to his position. "yeah, aight."

joe rolled his eyes, shaking his head. he didn’t care. he really didn’t.

but when the next play started, his focus was slightly off. and he definitely wasn’t looking at the sideline again.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

after practice wrapped up, you were still on the field, scrolling through clips on your phone while justin stood next to you, pointing out which ones would do best on tiktok.

"this one's solid," he said, tapping the screen. "ja’marr’s gonna hate you for it, though."

you rolled your eyes. "when does he not?"

justin chuckled before checking his watch. "i gotta go edit some stuff. you good here?"

you nodded. "yeah, i’ll be in shortly."

he jogged off, leaving you standing there, still reviewing footage. you were so focused you didn’t notice joe walking up until his shadow crossed over your screen.

"what’s so funny?"

you looked up, surprised to see him. "huh?"

"earlier. you and justin," joe said, nodding toward the facility where justin had disappeared. "what were you laughing at?"

you raised a brow, confused at the random question. "oh. he was just showing me some clips of ja’marr messing up his words. it was funny."

joe nodded slowly, like he was considering something. "you two seem close."

you blinked at him. was he… making conversation? joe burrow?

"i mean, we work together," you said, studying his expression. "same as me and you."

joe scoffed. "not the same."

your brows furrowed. "how is it not the same?"

joe shrugged, glancing away like he didn’t want to answer that.

you tilted your head slightly, then smirked. "wait a minute…"

his eyes snapped back to yours, slightly guarded. "what?"

"are you jealous?"

joe’s face stayed neutral, but his ears—clear as day—turned red. "no."

you grinned. "oh my god, you are jealous."

"i’m not," he insisted, but the way he shifted uncomfortably told you otherwise.

"joe," you teased, stepping just a little closer. "if you wanted me to laugh at your jokes, you could’ve just said that."

joe huffed out a laugh, shaking his head. "i don’t care if you laugh at my jokes."

"mhmm."

"i don’t."

you stared at him for a second before sighing dramatically. "well, that’s a shame, ‘cause i was gonna say you’re actually kinda funny sometimes."

joe smirked. "only sometimes?"

"don’t push it, burrow."

he chuckled, shaking his head as he started walking off. "see you inside, london."

you rolled your eyes but couldn’t help the small smile that lingered even after he was gone.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

later that afternoon, you were back in the media room, editing clips from the day’s practice. the familiar sound of pads hitting the turf and players yelling filled your headphones as you sifted through footage, piecing together something that would do well hopefully.

justin leaned back in his chair next to you, watching over your shoulder. "so, you and burrow, huh?"

you froze for half a second before playing it off. "what about me and burrow?"

justin smirked. "you tell me."

you turned to give him a look. "there's nothing to tell."

"right," he said, dragging out the word. "so he wasn’t all weird earlier when he saw us talking?"

you scoffed. "he wasn’t weird."

justin shot you a knowing look. "so he was something."

you exhaled sharply, shaking your head. "i don't know what he was. probably just bored. or nosy. or both."

justin hummed, unconvinced. "uh-huh. i don’t think i’ve ever seen him ask about what you’re talking about before."

"maybe ‘cause we were laughing kinda loudly," you pointed out.

"i mean, he did call you ‘london’ on his way out," justin said, raising his eyebrows. "don’t act like that’s normal."

you rolled your eyes. "he's called me that before." lie

"he really hasn't."

you opened your mouth to argue but realized… justin was kinda right. joe didn’t really use nicknames for people, —especially for you.

justin grinned at your silence. "see? i knew it."

"there's nothing to know," you insisted, turning back to your laptop.

"mhmm. we’ll see about that," justin said, leaning back with a smug look on his face.

you ignored him and focused on your work, but the thought lingered—was joe acting different around you? and if he was… why did it make your heart race just a little?

you quickly composed yourself before, you shook your head, trying to shake off justin’s teasing. "either way, it doesn’t matter. staff and players aren’t even allowed to be involved with each other outside of work. it’s in the contract."

justin leaned forward, a smug look crossing his face. "ahh, see, that’s where you’re wrong."

your brows furrowed as you watched him click around on his computer. a few seconds later, he pulled up a digital copy of the social media team’s contract. he scrolled for a moment before stopping and turning the screen toward you. "go ahead. read it."

you hesitated before leaning in, eyes scanning the document carefully. you searched for the part you were sure existed—the rule that prohibited any kind of relationship between players and staff.

but it wasn’t there.

your eyes narrowed as you read the section over again, then a third time just to be sure.

"wait," you muttered, your finger tracing the lines of text. "so… there’s actually no rule against it?"

justin leaned back in his chair, arms crossed with a satisfied smirk. "nope. nowhere in the contract does it say staff and players can’t date. it just says you have to remain professional in the workplace."

you blinked, still rereading the section as if the words would suddenly change. "that… doesn’t make sense. i thought it was a rule."

"nah, it’s just an unspoken thing. probably to avoid drama or whatever. but technically? totally allowed," justin said, watching your reaction closely. "why? thinking about breaking a nonexistent rule, london?"

you immediately rolled your eyes, but you couldn’t ignore the way your heart had started beating a little faster. "no, i was just—i don’t know, i thought it was a thing."

justin grinned. "yeah, well, now you know it’s not."

you shook your head, sitting back in your chair. "well, doesn’t matter. not like it applies to me anyway."

justin raised an eyebrow, his smirk widening. "uh-huh. sure it doesn’t."

you ignored him, turning your focus back to your work. but now, the thought lingered. there’s no actual rule.

you weren’t sure why that information sat so heavily in your chest. maybe it shouldn’t have changed anything.

but somehow, it did.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

over the next couple of months, things started to shift—not in an obvious way, but in the little things. joe was still the same guy, still hated social media, still keeping his distance from the cameras when he could. but he didn’t avoid you anymore.

he was still a challenge to get on camera, but sometimes, if you caught him at the right moment, he’d answer a question. nothing long, nothing groundbreaking, but it was progress. and then there were the other moments.

like when you’d make a joke, and he’d actually laugh. not just a small chuckle, but an actual laugh, the kind that made his eyes crinkle at the corners. or when he’d linger a little longer after practice, standing just close enough to the media team that you knew he was listening, even if he pretended he wasn’t.

and then there was today.

you were standing on the sideline during practice, waiting for the right moment to grab a quick clip for social media. the team was running drills, and you were half-watching, half-scrolling through your phone when joe walked up beside you.

“you waiting for someone?” he asked, nodding toward your phone.

you looked up at him. “yeah, actually. waiting for you to agree to be in a tiktok longer then 15 seconds.”

he scoffed, shaking his head. “not happening.”

you smirked. “figured as much.”

there was a comfortable silence for a moment before joe glanced at you. “so… do british people really drive on the left side of the road?”

you looked at him, raising a brow. “no, joe, that’s just a myth. we actually drive upside down.”

he rolled his eyes, but you could see the corner of his mouth twitch like he was fighting a smile. “i’m serious.”

“yes, we drive on the left,” you said. “the same way you americans drive on the right.”

he gave you a look. “why do you say ‘americans’ like that?”

you blinked. “like what?”

“like—i don’t know,” he shrugged. “like you’re separating yourself from us.”

you tilted your head. “are you not american?”

“no, i am,” he said slowly.

you grinned. “exactly. you’re so american.”

joe frowned. “what does that even mean?”

“oh, you want a list?” you teased. “fine. one, you love football more than anything. two, you are from ohio. three, you’re obsessed with your—”

joe held up a hand, cutting you off. “first of all, i play football. i kinda have to love it.”

you laughed. “see? proving my point.”

he shook his head, but he was smiling now, and for a split second, you forgot this was the same guy who used to avoid you and the cameras at all costs.

“you’re ridiculous,” he muttered.

“and you’re american.”

he rolled his eyes again, but he didn’t walk away. and that? that made you feel something.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

as much as you loved your job, today had drained you. between filming, editing, and keeping up with the constant content demands, you were exhausted. so when practice finally wrapped up and most of the staff started heading home, you packed up your equipment as quickly as you could, ready to do the same.

the hallways were mostly empty as you walked toward the parking lot, the sounds of your footsteps echoing against the walls. the air smelled faintly of turf and sweat, a reminder of the hours spent on the field earlier.

your mind had already started drifting—thinking about how good it would feel to collapse into bed—when you heard footsteps behind you. you didn’t think much of it at first. plenty of people left around this time. but then—

“y/n.”

the familiar voice made you pause mid-step. you turned, your eyes landing on joe burrow a few feet away. he was out of his usual practice gear, now in a hoodie and sweats, his hands tucked into his pockets.

“you leaving?” he asked, nodding toward your bag.

you raised a brow. “no, i’m actually planning to sleep here tonight.”

joe’s face scrunched in confusion. “really? why?”

you stared at him.

his lips parted slightly, realization dawning on his face. “oh.”

“yeah, joe,” you said, amused. “i’m leaving.”

he exhaled through his nose, shaking his head at himself. “right.” he hesitated for a second, then shifted his weight. “i’ll, uh… i’ll walk you to—uhm, your car.”

you stopped, looking at him.

“okay…” you said slowly, trying to figure him out.

he just nodded, stepping into place beside you as you both started toward the parking lot.

for the first few moments, neither of you spoke. the air was cool, the last remnants of daylight stretching long shadows across the pavement.

“so,” you said, breaking the silence, “do you always offer to walk staff to their cars, or am i just special?”

joe huffed out a laugh. “nah. just you.”

you glanced at him. “hmm.”

another pause.

“you’re quieter than usual,” you observed.

he shrugged. “long day.”

“tell me about it.”

“yeah?” he asked, glancing at you.

“yeah,” you sighed. “i swear, i spent half my time just trying to get tee to answer one question without him messing around. and don’t even get me started on ja’marr.”

joe smirked. “sounds about right.”

you rolled your eyes. “sometimes i think you guys make our job harder just for fun.”

he didn’t even try to deny it.

by the time you reached your car, the parking lot was almost empty. you stopped beside your driver’s side door, unlocking the door with your keys, just as you were about to reach forward to open it, joe reached forward and pulled the handle open for you.

you hesitated, your eyes flicking up to him. “thanks.”

joe shifted slightly, his fingers tapping against the edge of his hoodie pocket. “uhm.”

you stilled, waiting.

he took a breath. “would you wanna get coffee someday?” he asked, then quickly added, “or tea. i know british people like tea.”

your brows raised slightly.

joe burrow was asking you to coffee. or tea.

you crossed your arms, leaning against the car. “you're asking me?”

his jaw tightened. “yeah.”

you let him sit in his lie for a moment before smiling.

“yeah, sure.”

his eyes met yours. “yeah?”

you nodded. “yeah.”

he exhaled, something almost like relief flashing across his face.

“alright,” he said, stepping back.

you slid into your car, still half in shock at what had just happened.

“goodnight, joe.”

“goodnight, y/n.”

he shut your door gently, gave you a small nod, and turned back toward the facility.

you sat there for a second, gripping the steering wheel. then, finally, you shook your head, a grin creeping across your face as you started the engine.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

you weren’t exactly sure what you were expecting when joe asked you to coffee, but it wasn’t this.

it wasn’t him actually following through with it, texting you the next morning with a time and place already picked out. it wasn’t him choosing a quiet, locally owned café instead of some big-name chain. and it definitely wasn’t you sitting across from him now, in a corner of the shop, feeling surprisingly… comfortable.

it had been a while since you’d been on anything that remotely resembled a date. not that this was a date. you didn’t think it was, anyway.

joe had been waiting for you when you arrived, standing outside with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie, glancing down at his phone before looking up when he saw you approach. he gave you a small nod, the corners of his mouth twitching up into the hint of a smile.

“you actually showed up,” you said, half-joking, half-surprised.

joe let out a small chuckle. “you thought i was gonna bail?”

“i mean, you don’t even like social media. why would i think you’d voluntarily spend time with someone from the social media team?”

“touché,” he said, pulling the door open for you.

and now here you were, sitting across from him, your fingers wrapped around the warmth of your tea as you watched him take a sip of his coffee.

“so, do you always drink tea, or is that just something you have to do because you’re british?” joe asked, tilting his head slightly.

you rolled your eyes, setting your cup down. “yes, joe. it’s a legal requirement. we sign a contract at birth.”

his lips curled into a smirk. “figured as much.”

“but no,” you said. “i just like it. coffee’s fine, but tea’s better.”

joe scoffed. “wrong.”

you gave him a pointed look. “so american.”

joe raised an eyebrow. “you always say that. like it’s a bad thing.”

“it’s not bad,” you said. “you’re just… very american.”

joe leaned back in his chair, folding his arms. “explain.”

a smirk played on your lips as you leaned forward slightly. “first of all, you guys think everything is better when it’s bigger. portions, cars, houses—”

“because it is,” joe interjected.

“second,” you continued, ignoring him, “you’re all obsessed with football. and no, before you say it, i don’t mean actual football. i mean whatever you guys are playing.”

joe scoffed. “whatever we’re playing?”

“yeah, the one where you barely use your foot,” you teased.

joe shook his head, taking another sip of his coffee. “anything else?”

“oh, plenty,” you said. “but i don’t wanna hurt your feelings.”

joe narrowed his eyes, shaking his head with an amused expression. “you talk a lot more when it’s just us.”

you paused for a moment. he wasn’t wrong.

for most of your life, you’d been the quiet one. the one who held back, who let other people lead the conversation while you carefully picked your moments to speak. but around joe? it was easy.

“guess i do,” you admitted, stirring your tea absentmindedly.

joe didn’t say anything right away. he just watched you, his blue eyes studying you in a way that made your face feel a little too warm.

you cleared your throat, shifting the conversation. “so, why’d you ask me to coffee?”

joe shrugged. “felt like it.”

you narrowed your eyes. “that’s not an answer.”

“sure it is.”

“joe.”

he exhaled through his nose, his fingers tapping lightly against the table. “i don’t know,” he finally said. “i just wanted to.”

for some reason, that answer felt more honest than anything else he could’ve said.

you held his gaze for a moment, then looked down at your cup, a small smile tugging at your lips.

maybe this was just coffee. maybe it was nothing more than two coworkers grabbing a drink.

but deep down, you had a feeling this wasn’t the last time you and joe burrow would be sitting across from each other like this.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

it all happened so naturally that you hadn’t even realized it was happening.

one coffee date turned into two. then three. then, one day, instead of coffee, joe texted:

"you eat dinner, right?"

you had laughed at the message, typing back: "no, i survive solely on tea and biscuits."

and that’s how coffee turned into dinner. dinner at small restaurants tucked away from the city, where the waitstaff knew joe by name but treated him like any other customer. dinner that turned into longer nights spent together, conversation flowing as easily as the wine you sometimes shared.

then, somehow, dinner at restaurants turned into dinner at his house. or yours.

at first, it was a casual suggestion. joe had an off day and didn’t feel like going out, so he said, "why don’t we just cook something?" and you agreed, not thinking much of it.

but one night, as you stood in his kitchen, chopping vegetables while he stood behind you, looking over your shoulder, something shifted.

"you’re doing that wrong," he muttered, reaching past you to grab the knife from your hand.

"oh, i’m sorry, gordon ramsay," you said, rolling your eyes. "by all means, enlighten me."

joe chuckled, shaking his head as he took over. "just watch."

you crossed your arms, leaning against the counter, watching as he cut the vegetables with precise, practiced movements. "you do this often?"

"cooking?" he asked, glancing at you. "yeah. gotta eat."

"right," you said, biting back a smile. "good observation."

he smirked, nudging you lightly with his elbow before continuing to chop.

you watched him in silence for a moment, taking in the way his jaw tensed in concentration, the way his hands moved with confidence.

and before you could even think twice about it, you said, "you know, i like this."

joe paused, glancing at you again. "like what?"

"this," you said, gesturing vaguely between the two of you. "cooking together. just… us."

for a split second, something flashed in joe’s eyes. something softer, something unreadable.

"yeah," he said after a moment. "me too."

then, before you could process it, he was leaning in.

his lips brushed against yours so lightly at first that you almost thought you imagined it. but then he kissed you, his hands settling on your waist as he pulled you closer.

your breath hitched, fingers gripping the fabric of his hoodie as you kissed him back.

the knife clattered onto the cutting board, long forgotten.

dinner could wait.

—

one kiss turned into more.

more nights spent together. more stolen moments between work and practice, more teasing remarks that carried an undertone of something deeper.

until, one night, as you were curled up on his couch, your head resting against his chest while some movie played in the background, joe murmured, "be my girlfriend."

it wasn’t a question. it wasn’t even hesitant. it was just… fact. like he had already decided and was simply waiting for you to confirm it.

you tilted your head up, meeting his gaze. "was that your way of asking?"

joe smirked. "was i supposed to get down on one knee?"

"well, it would’ve been more romantic," you teased.

"next time," he said.

"next time?"

"yeah," he said, his fingers tracing absentminded circles on your arm. "like when i ask you to marry me."

your breath caught in your throat. "bold of you to assume i’d say yes."

joe just shrugged, completely unfazed. "you will."

and, well… yeah. he wasn’t wrong.

—

being joe burrow’s girlfriend came with a lot of things. attention, sure. but also late-night drives, laughter-filled mornings, and the kind of quiet moments that made you realize just how much you loved someone.

meeting his parents was another thing entirely.

you had been nervous, of course. but his mom had welcomed you with open arms, his dad had given joe a look that very clearly said, "you better not screw this up," and by the end of the night, his parents were treating you like you had always been a part of their family.

which led to now—where you basically lived at joe’s house.

you still had your own apartment, technically. but considering that the majority of your clothes, your toiletries, and even your favorite tea were now at joe’s place… yeah, you weren’t there very often.

"you know you live here now, right?" joe said one evening, as you stood in his bathroom, brushing your teeth with your toothbrush you had kept in his bathroom.

"i do not," you said, words muffled by the toothbrush.

"you do," he insisted.

"just because i spend a lot of time here doesn’t mean i live here."

joe gave you a look. "you have more clothes in my closet than i do."

you shrugged, spitting into the sink before looking at him. "so?"

"so," he said, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed. "just move in already."

you stared at joe, toothbrush still in hand, as his words settled over you. "just move in already." like it was the easiest decision in the world. like he had already decided it was going to happen, and he was just waiting for you to catch up.

his eyes were steady, watching you for any sign of hesitation, but all you could do was laugh, shaking your head as you set the toothbrush down on the counter.

"what?" joe asked, his smirk turning into something softer, more curious.

you leaned against the sink, arms crossed. "you didn’t even ask. you just told me to move in."

joe tilted his head slightly, like he was thinking it over. then he shrugged. "so?"

"so," you repeated, mimicking his tone. "that’s not how it works."

"okay," he said, straightening up. "will you move in with me?"

you let the question linger for a second, enjoying the way joe was watching you like he already knew the answer. because of course he did.

finally, you sighed dramatically, shaking your head as you walked past him, brushing your fingers against his arm.

"gosh, you’re so american."

joe turned, following you as you headed toward the bedroom. "what does that even mean?"

you threw him a grin over your shoulder. "figure it out, burrow."

and, judging by the way he was smiling as he chased after you, he already had.

[1moreff-creator]

Considering that both DT and P:EG happen in the U.S., what state and/or region do you think each of them lives in based on their lifestyle, fashion sense, culture, beliefs, backstory, etc?

Ok so. I gave answering this an honest shot, but I can’t lmao. I’m not from the US, I have absolutely no idea how to place the majority of these guys. I wouldn’t know the difference between someone from Arkansas and someone from California even if you put them right next to each other. Are those even particularly different states? Who knows! Not me!

Accents don’t help me either; I can barely tell apart accents in my native language, let alone intra-US accent differences. So, uh, I think I have to leave this one to my fellow Tumblr users to figure out!

That said, I still have some thoughts on some of the characters based on canonical information of their origin, so I’ll write those under the cut, so as to give you something.

Spoilers for P:EG CH1 and DRDT CH2.

Project: Eden’s Garden

Damon apparently canonically grew up in Japan, which was a new one for me. (Sources 1 and 2). If he moved to the US at some point, I have no idea where he landed lol. 

Here’s what Ulysses says about where he works:

Damon [Ulysses 1st FTE]: You work at the Patawomeck River Museum, right? Ulysses: In Tsenacommacah, yes… I direct an exhibit on the Cold War there.

Tsenacommacah (name given by the Patawomeck tribe) is a real place in Virginia, so assuming Ulysses works in the same area he lives, we have a more or less confirmed origin! Hell yeah. 

I would assume Jean lives in a coastal city, since, y��know. Sailing’s kinda his thing.

Does Ingrid have a southern accent? It’s like the only English accent I think I can easily recognize lmao. In fact, the wiki says she specifically has a Texan accent, so let’s say she’s from there. 

The wiki says Grace has an Australian accent (and yes I’m quoting the wiki even on this, I’m that unconfident in telling apart accents lol), so you could argue she may come from Australia and just immigrated to the US. 

Danganronpa: Despair Time

Unlike P:EG, where I don’t think it’s been explicitly stated every character (other than Damon evidently) is originally from America, it has been stated that most of the DRDT characters are explicitly American. The only exception is Teruko, whose nationality is “legally in question.”

Though, speaking of Teruko, it’s been highly implied that she grew up in Japan. We know she spent some time there according to a line from MonoTV in the costume change scene from CH2, and she and her brother used Japanese honorifics for each other when they lived together. 

(Does anyone have a link to this reply for future reference? I don’t have Twitter and I can’t access it easily help)

By extension, it’s possible Mai Akasaki comes from Japan, as she seems to have known Teruko for a long time.

Mai Quote (Teruko): Some years ago, she was searching for someone named 'Teruko Tawaki.'

For the Americans, it’s worth noting that they’re all part of “East Class 27” per Bonus Episode 1, possibly implying they’re all from the eastern side of the US. The only exception might once again be Teruko per the “West Class Teruko” theory you can find in my Mai post. 

We know from Bonus Episode 2 that Xander grew up in “Chariton” and spent some time in Britain, though he's not from real life Chariton, and instead from a fake Chariton near an equally fictional Chariton River. 

This is maybe a nice time to bring up that, given DRDT is set almost a hundred years post Tragedy, there’s a non zero chance some state and city names changed in the wake of the whole Junko fiasco lol. That also means that reasoning like “J might be from or near Hollywood because her mom is a famous actor” is not 100% reliable, because the Tragedy could have changed certain aspects of culture, and we have no way of knowing which ones.

Off the top of my head, I can’t remember anyone else from DRDT stating where they’re from, so. That’s where my guesses end lmao.

-

And that’s about it! I imagine there must be something I missed somewhere, since there’s a lot of evidence across both of these fangans and I don’t have Rose’s photographic memory so. Feel free to bring up anything I may have missed in comments or rbs. Hope I didn’t do too bad of a job though! And I hope that was enough of an answer for you! Thanks for the ask!

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I'm watching a couple of Robert Newman specials for the first time, and I cannot believe it took me so long to get into him. I've known the name for ages, obviously, I know he was a hero and influence to many of my favourite comedians, a pillar of political comedy in his era. But I never actually watched his stuff until now.

I should have got into this much earlier, it's brilliant. Some of the most densely written comedy I've ever heard; I quickly learned that this is not a stand-up special where I can do anything else at the same time as listening to it. It needs my full attention, and even then, I find myself sometimes rewinding the video because I've struggled to keep track of everything he's saying. It's intricate, detailed, meticulously researched, and manages to remember to be consistently funny too.

This is the only thing I've ever seen that shows me where Andy Zaltzman got a bit of his style. Andy is so original and creative that it's hard to trace his influences because there's not much that's like him, but I can see a forerunner of his penchant for weaving political reality in with the political absurd, in this Robert Newman stuff. And Andy did, in 2004, cite Robert Newman as the second best thing he'd ever seen at the Edinburgh Fringe (the first best thing Andy Zaltzman had seen at the Fringe was a goal that he'd scored in an Edinburgh football match against Patrick Monahan).

Anyway, that stuff about Robert Newman is just background for what this post is actually about, which is: Can British people not say the "a" sound at the end of words? And by "a", I mean a sound that would be phonetically transcribed as "/ə/", as in the "a" at the beginning of the word "above". Or the end of "idea". Can British people not say that sound, or do they think that Americans don't say that sound?

I remember first noticing this when I was a kid, watching Flying Circus, and saw Monty Python's Film Producer sketch. Graham Chapman does an American accent, in which he does actually sound like an American - an exaggerated parody of an American, but he pronounces words the American way, rather than the British way. Except the word "idea", which he pronounces as "i-dee-er".

I remember that really stuck out to me when I saw it as a kid, because every word actually sounds American, but it sounded so weird when he said "idea". Because it was the British pronunciation - "i-dee-er" - but said in an American accent. It's like hearing the word "knackered" or "bloke" in an American accent - it just sound wrong.

I also remember learning from British novels as a kid, particularly Harry Potter, that in British English, the sound people make when hesitating is written down as "er" instead of "uh". I would write a character saying "uh", if I wanted to convey that they're stumbling over their words when trying to talk. But in Harry Potter, Harry would often say "er", when he couldn't think of what words to say. Which, I've realized, may be because what (North) Americans would hear as the "/ə/" sound, which can also be written as "uh" - British people hear/say that as "er". If it's the end of a word, that is - or in this case, the entire word. I don't think British people say "er-bove" instead of "uh-bove" when pronouncing "above".

Anyway, I thought of that again recently when I heard some of Stewart Lee's new material, where he does an American accent for a while. It's not a perfect American accent, and like in that Python sketch, it's exaggerated for comedic effect. But he mostly does sound like an American, except when he says the word "idea", and then it's really noticeably pronounced as "i-dee-er" - pronounced that way, but still said in an American accent, which is weird. I though I might be imagining it, or maybe I just hear that one word wrong, but then I heard him say "Califoni-er". Same thing - my brain got used to hearing words said the American way, because I was listening to him do his American accent, and then suddenly, there's "California" pronounced with the British "er" at the end.

So I've been watching this Robert Newman stuff, and it's great, but occasionally he does an American accent (usually when doing an impression of George Bush), and I've just heard him impersonate an American trying to distract from his country's crimes, by saying, "Look, there's North Kore-er." Again, it was jarring, because his accent sounded American right up to that word, and then suddenly, a British pronunciation. But in an American accent. So weird.

So here's my question: If someone learned English in a British accent, did they just not develop the ability to say the "/ə/" sound at the ends of words? The same way there are lots of sounds in other languages that I can't pronounce? (For the record I am awful at doing any British accent - except that I can sort of do Glasweigan but only for words that Jamie McDonald at some point said in The Thick of It/In the Loop because I copy him - so I'm not judging that as a bad thing. Anyone who can do both a British and American accent has a far wider range of pronunciation ability than I do.) Or are British people perfectly capable of pronouncing "idea" as "id-ee-uh" (the way an American would say it), but for some reason, they all believe that Americans say "i-dee-er", so that's what they do when they're putting on an American accent? Which is it?

[redstarnotebooks]

Dole-Disney partnership: The one time you want a mouse on your produce via The Produce News (2018)

Incredible look at the overlap of agricultural imperialism and cultural imperialism. If you've ever wondered why there are stickers for Frozen on your bananas, here's the explanation. "At 167 years old, Dole knows a thing or two about longevity as well. At the same time Mickey was being introduced to the world, 2,500 miles across the Pacific in Hawaii, James Drummond Dole was overseeing a 20,000-acre pineapple plantation that would grow into the world’s largest provider of fresh fruits and vegetables. In Honduras, a precursor to Dole’s Latin American operations, there were already hospitals and schools being opened for its thousands of employees growing bananas for a hungry world." Plantation bourgeoisie, fresh off their coup (Dole's cousin was actually a participant in the coup) "providing" fresh fruit and vegetables" from the 6th-largest Hawaiian island, personally owned by Dole, and now 98% owned by Larry Ellison.

The historiography is misleading -- Dole wasn't active in Honduras at the time -- and seems to be a reference to either Standard Fruit or United Fruit, both of which were incorporated into the same company as Dole.

"Dole first teamed up with Disney in 1976 when the produce giant become the sponsor of Walt Disney’s Enchanted Tiki Room at the Disneyland Resort and at the Magic Kingdom in Walt Disney World — a sponsorship that continues in California and resulted in creation of the iconic Dole Whip now available at Disney Parks and Resorts worldwide."

This is why I sometimes joke about Canada having no culture. Not in the sense of being default or some kind of cultural norm (like saying someone has no accent), but in the sense that for most of America and Canada, the only culture that exists is a pairing of settler-colonialism with big business.

All our major holidays and celebrations are corporate, not just in their current forms but in their origins or development (think Christmas, Hallowe'en, Valentines Day, Thanksgiving etc.). All our cultural referents, especially in Canada, are either colonial figures or advertisements.

Obviously this is less true for Indigenous and Black people, and aspects of more recent immigrant cultures, but those are either precolonial, developed out of resistance to the hegemonic culture of the US and Canada, or carried here from places that actually have cultures.

This isn't a fully serious thesis, but like a little bit.

[hauntedjpegcollection]

IF I GO TO HELL, AT LEAST ALL MY FRIENDS WILL BE THERE

pinterest - writing - tag - matilda

BASICS

FULL NAME → Tanaka Daisuke/Elias

NICKNAME → Lark - almost exclusively goes by this

AGE RANGE → 20-30’s

BIRTHDAY → August 29th

SPECIES → Human

NATIONALITY → American

GENDER → Trans Male

ORIENTATION → Bisexual

OCCUPATIONS → Shadow PMC, Specialist, Extraction Unit (CoD Au), Lead singer (Band Au)

THREAT LEVEL → High

SPOKEN LANGUAGES → English (fluent), Japanese (fluent)

APPEARANCE

FACECLAIM → Kentaro Sakaguchi

EYE COLOR(S) → Brown

HAIR COLOR(S) → Black/Bleach Blond

DOMINANT HAND → Right

ACCENT → California, West Coast American

HEIGHT → 5’7’’

WEIGHT → 160/175 lbs

BODY → Very muscular. Lean with a runners build. Very low body fat, aesthetically pleasing washboard abs type of guy. Longer torso’d, well defined arms. Long, thin fingers. Sharper than most.

TATTOO(S) → A giant black centipede over his side, small hand tattoos.

PIERCING(S) → Ears, left nostril

GLASSES → No

SCARS → Has little scars all over his hands from knife practicing.

BACKGROUND

HOMETOWN → Oakland, California

FINANCIAL STATUS → Lower class (upper class in band au)

EDUCATION LEVEL → High school

RAP SHEET → Misdemeanors wiped at 18; breaking and entering, petty theft, auto theft

PRISON TIME → Two years in jail for arson, negotiated and released on five years probation to avoid federal prison.

RELATIONSHIPS

BIRTH ORDER → First

PARENTS → Tanaka Sadako (mother), Tanaka Minato (father)

SIBLINGS → Tanaka Akari (sister, second born)

SIGNIFICANT OTHERS → Matilda Rhoades (long term partner)

CHILDREN → None

ENEMIES → None

PETS → None

VICES

SMOKES → No

DRINKS → Socially

DRUGS → No

VIOLENCE → No

SELF DESTRUCTIVE → Moderate

PSYCHOLOGY

MENTAL → PTSD, Depression

PHYSICAL → No

ANGER EXPRESSION → Cold, unresponsive, avoids engaging. Can be explosive when certain buttons are pushed—prefers not to argue (he says anyway)

ALIGNMENT → Chaotic Neutral

PERSONALITY TRAITS → Dedicated, loving, loyal, quick witted, envious, complacent, uniform, aimless

MISC

SIN → Envy

ZODIAC → Aries

ELEMENT → Earth

SEX PREFERNCE → Dominant switch (leans dominant, enjoys being submissive with femmes)

ANIMAL → Black and white hawk eagle

MUTATION → Avian control

[cryptidsurveys]

Wednesday, September 4th, 2024.

Do you know a James? I don't.

Have you ever been to Australia? If not, would you like to? I haven't. It's not somewhere I'm especially interested in visiting, but I wouldn't be opposed to it either if the right opportunity presented itself.

Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness? Yeah.

If you had to choose to have a different accent than the one you have now, what accent would you choose and why? Probably a Southern American accent. Idk, I just feel like it would fit my vibe.

New York or California? California. Mainly for the natural aspects.

Have you ever or do you currently live in a Gated Community? I don't.

Who was your last text from? It was from my dad. A reply to my text letting him know that I was on the way home from the shelter yesterday evening.

Do you know how to use a DSLR camera? I've never used one before. I've only ever owned point-and-shoot cameras.

If you had to choose one instrument to perfect, what instrument would you choose? Guitar seems the most versatile, but perfecting the harp or violin would be pretty cool too.

Have you ever owned an Axolotl? I haven't.

What has been the longest amount of time you’ve spent on a plane? Maybe a couple of hours.

How often do you use Snapchat? Never.

What does your last text say? It's just a random key smash. It's kind of a joke between us at this point.

Have you ever played Habbo? I haven't.

What about Runescape? No.

Have you ever heard of the band Mumford & Sons? If yes, do you like their music? I've probably heard a song or two, and yeah, I think I'd enjoy them if I listened to them more.

Have you ever kissed anyone starting with the letter A, C, N, T or K? I've kissed an A, C, and N.

Have you ever used Valium before? No.

What time is it where you’re from? 7:49am. I'm trying to fit in (at least part of) a survey while I eat breakfast because after this I have to take a shower and get ready to go to therapy.

Have you ever adopted an animal from an animal shelter? Yes. I've adopted four kitties from the animal shelter where I volunteer.

Where do you usually find Surveys from? The people I follow. I used to snag a lot of them from Bzoink, but that's not a thing anymore. :'(

Australia or New Zealand? I don't have enough of an interest in either place to have a preference.

Have you ever missed a flight? No.

What is your best friend’s middle name? Blah.

How do you feel about the passing of Aretha Franklin? I don't think I was even aware of it when it happened.

Did you enjoy any of her music? Again, I probably would if I gave it more of a listen.

What is your favourite film from your childhood? Watership Down. That movie traumatized me, but I was obsessed with it all the same…

Kanye West or Drake? Neither.

Do you know anyone who is named after a state? I don't.

What was the reason for your previous doctor’s visit? It was just a check-up.

Have you ever been to an outdoor cinema? Not since I was a child/teen.

Have you ever had a “bad trip”? If yes, what happened? I've had a few bad experiences with weed (mostly just feeling really dizzy and out of it), but as for a bad trip, no; my one and only shrooms trip was pretty amazing.

How often do you use Instagram? I update it every few days or so. Mostly with kitty pictures from the shelter.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Yeah.

If so, do you still smoke? Yeah.

What are you up to tomorrow? Hopefully visiting the Mountain Park with my dad, and - if he's feeling up to it - perhaps a short hike.

What type of questions do you like being asked during a survey? I prefer questions about my day-to-day life because I use surveys as a form of journaling. Questions like "when was the last time you did X or felt Y, etc" are usually good as well. I'm not a huge fan of specific questions like "do you watch this show, listen to this band, etc."

Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey? No preference.

What is your favourite Ben Stiller movie? I think the only ones I've seen are Zoolander, Anchorman, and Meet The Parents. Can't say I have a favorite, though.

What is your favourite Spotify playlist if you have one? N/a.

Firefox or Chrome? I just use Microsoft Edge.

Do you enjoy learning about conspiracy theories? I used to be obsessed with conspiracy theories (it was bad, lmao). I still enjoy them occasionally, but to a lesser (and far less gullible) extent.

If so, what is your favourite? These days, probably anything involving aliens/UFOs. Again, not in the sense that I believe them at face value, but the lore behind them - how they came about, who was involved, what's fact, what's fiction, etc. It's just such an interesting, convoluted web of deception and weirdness.

Do you find hand tattoos attractive on your preferred sex? Depends.

If you had a baby boy, what would you name him? Abe Ortion. <- Lmao. I was just starting to think what an odd name that was, but then--!!

What is your favourite Netflix original series? I don't have one.

Have you ever owned a Tamagotchi? Yeah.

Do you have a favourite “survey blog” on Tumblr? If so, who? Pretty much everyone I follow who updates often + gives somewhat detailed answers. If I regularly like your surveys, then you're one of those people. :')

Would you rather be 10 minutes late or 20 minutes early? 20 minutes early. The thought of being late makes me anxious.

If you could be a member of any TV-Sitcom family, which would it be? No thanks.

Tell me about the 6th person in your contact list: N/a.

Are you waiting for a text back right now? No.

Would you rather be able to control fire or water? I guess water.

[light-lanterne]

ur mexican right? do u have an opinion on argyle's portrayal in the show?

hello ! you're unfortunately asking the wrong person, friend :( i could talk to you all you want about how unfair it is that argyle is given a grand total of 0% of backstory (he doesn't even have a last name), or how he's decidedly playing a stereotype (with the slight subversion of him being actually very smart emotionally and when it comes to finding solutions to their problems, but that gets treated as a joke nonetheless), or how he's treated more as a plot device than anything (the duffs needed a way to get the byers + mike out of california).

but that's as far as my insight goes :(

i do not live in the us. i was born and raised in mexico and have lived here my whole life and thus, my experience is inherently different from that of the people who lived in the us in the 80s (like argyle) and even today. i have no context of what it's like to live as a latin american individual in a country that inherently assumes you're there illegally. i do not know the mockery that would come from having a heavy accent or slipping into spanish terms and slang from time to time. i do not know what it's like to have others immediately assume you fit into the stereotypes argyle showcases. my experience with all of these factors is second handed and as such, i can't offer anything to the conversation that others haven't pointed out already (other than maybe offering a reminder that these are the things argyle would be going through in the background).

not only that, but i don't even look like argyle in the slightest so i can't relate to that either. i've been mocked, bullied and harassed my whole life for a variety of reasons (speech impediment, hearing impairment, queer, trans,,,) but never because of the colour of my skin; never for having specific facial features attributed to latin american people (even if my heritage is not too different from that of your average mexican). other than some random girl who used to call me a vampire in high school (which i obviously took as a compliment because vampires are cool), no one has really ever had anything to say about my appearance and while racism / xenophobia is not just about looks, it's the first thing icky people notice and focus on and, in my case, not something they would initially pick up on.

now, my brother does look a lot like argyle. he has a similar nose and eyes and his skin colour is almost the same (if not a shade or two darker) so maybe he'd have something to say about seeing himself represented on screen in such poor quality. but a) he doesn't watch stranger things so he's got nothing to say about any of that, and b) he's the type to not mind stereotypes or jokes made at our expense.

beyond a slight eyeroll at silly, exaggerated portrayals, he (and most of the people in my city, so it's almost a cultural thing) really has nothing to say about seeing aforementioned stereotypes on screen.

so uh, yeah. nothing to add to the conversation beyond a reminder to listen to people who can actually relate to argyle's experience (whatever it is, because we didn't see any of it x.x) because of his features and his experience living in the us as a latin american individual.

the one thing i can say that we can all agree on is that the duffs don't know how to write bipoc characters, particularly black people (who have onscreen been subjected to implicit and explicit racism and violence and gotten nothing as a result, not even acknowledgement let alone some form of catharsis or justice -_- ), and that argyle was an afterthought brought only into the show to have some comedic relief, move forward a few plot points, and pay homage to whatever 80s californian films the duffs grew up watching >.<

(which again, anyone could tell you so this whole word salad is technically for naught u.u figured i owed you a nuanced response, though, so here it is)

anyway, apologies that my answer is lackluster and doesn't bring up anything of substance to the current debates people are having about the show :( hope you have a great day or night ~

[spacefinch]

MSB rambles: Where is everybody from?

AKA: what parts of the US the kids and their families are from in my headcanons.

Phoebe: Since her last name (Terese, pronounced teh-REHS) is Scandinavian, I hc Phoebe and her family as Minnesotan. (Minnesota has a sizable Scandinavian population.) I also think she has some Celtic (mostly Scottish, but some Irish) ancestry. Also: she canonically has an uncle from Australia, so make of that what you will.

Carlos: I see him and his family being from California, specifically the southern region. (Or he at least has relatives there). Also: California (my home state) has a lot of Latin-American people. It definitely works. Furthermore, he seems the most likely to call his friends "dude" regardless of gender.

Ralphie: I like the idea of him being from the Pacific Northwest-- most likely Oregon. I don't know why. Ironically, his favorite baseball team is the Boston Red Sox and not one of the local Oregonian teams.

Wanda: I don't know exactly what state, but probably somewhere warm, since she herself says she hates cold weather. Perhaps she's from California, just like Carlos.

Arnold: I'm gonna be honest, I don't know what state I think he's from. If any of you have any headcanons, let me know. But I think him being Midwestern fits. Probably from a place that's good for rock-hunting.

Tim: Northeast maybe? I require more headcanons.

Keesha: Again, more headcanons needed. But I'm leaning towards Midwestern or Southeastern. Like Ralphie, her favorite baseball team (which is the New York Yankees) is not from her home state.

Dorothy Ann: Her family is A) from Georgia, and B) huge. There are also quite a few other Dorothys in the family, which is why D.A. goes by her first and middle name. The semi-British accent she uses sometimes was developed over years of watching BBC nature documentaries. Everyone else in the Hudson family has a Southern accent.

Ms. Frizzle: Nobody knows. Personally, I think she's a Time Lady.

Side note: I like @drogonea's headcanon that Walkerville is a mysterious moving city. Like Howl's Moving Castle, but it's a whole town.

Other notes:

D.A. and Carlos have the largest extended families that everyone knows about.

By contrast, nobody is really sure how big Ralphie's extended family is, because he doesn't often mention them. And then when he does bring up his relatives, he is surprised that nobody else knows them. ("What do you mean you've never met my uncle Ed?")

Phoebe has some relatives from Canada (similar to me).

[wild-grinders]

Ketterville Canon vs Sprawl City Canon

Both stories hold the structure of Wild Grinders together, and yet, have a lot of disagreements. In short Ketterville was the ORIGINAL blueprint for Wild Grinders, but as time went on, it became retconned when airing as the Nickeloden TV series. Anyways, let's just get into it because introductions will never be my thing.

Ketterville Canon (Toys and Movie Canon)

If you didn't already know, Wild Grinders began as a toyline and not an animated series. Mattel contacted Rob Dyrdek to create a skate crew as toys. When the toys were being designed, Dyrdek had a specific vision for the characters and the story behind the toys. Essentially, he chose to create a vague memory of his childhood skate crew in Ohio. He never specified any of the real-life members, however. But he did pull some inspiration from the skate culture in California, that influenced more diversity among the skate crew.

But he still settled for his hometown in Ohio to be the setting anyways. (Why we will call it the Ketterville Canon).

A lot of the toys often included blurbs of what the characters were like at this time. And this would be the best way (as we can) to put it all chronologically.

Jay Jay and Emo Crys where Lil' Rob's two closest friends. Lil' Rob and Jay Jay met by playing basketball and just hanging out. In a Berrics interview, Dyrdek mostly described Jay Jay as a germaphobe who's going to be a doctor one day. Meanwhile, Lil' Rob met Emo Crys during a skate competition where they got off on the wrong foot and basically tried to whack at each other. They became friends by the end of it though.

Emo Crys was never a shy and cute person. He was reserved, moody as hell, artistic, deadpan dry, and 'cries over everything'. But it was most likely due to him being born in China and having felt isolated in such a small town in America. No one understood him and he took his words into art (or actions from the way he was ready to fite Lil' Rob). After becoming friends, he did mellow out a bit.

Jack Knife was never a full-on southern accent American. Rob Dyrdek based him loosely on the idea of it, but Jack Knife was far from the "American Dream" kid. His family was homeless, described as 'nomads' (this is the more appropriate version of the original word) and they were all dumb as hell. However, they were NEVER written having patriarchy attitudes. Jack Knife's dad didn't own a car and used a shopping cart instead, while his mother was into spirituality and always welcomed the Wild Grinders. Jack Knife's sister was never added in his lore. Anyways, the Grinders found him at the local skate park because he was described as a legend (for pulling risky and dumb stunts).

Spitball did not speak english at all. He's always spoken in spanish, but he's very aware of what everyone is saying english. His character stays very consistent in the series as a street ninja, but his toy lore never mentions anything about dojos or master sensei. And here's a fun fact: he got his nickname because he spat on everyone because he heard there was a legend that spit can heal your scrapes and cuts. Jay Jay did not appreciate his method of first aid.

Goggles is the last member of the Wild Grinders. He only had a brief moment in the Golden Grinders movie, but didn't stand out because he was made at last minute. In a Berrics interview, Rob Dyrdek only had 5 characters ready to lauch for the toyline: Lil' Rob, Emo Crys, Jay Jay, Spitball, and Jack Knife. It wasn't until after the "Golden Grinders", where Dyrdek and Tracy began to implement Goggles into the skate crew as the camera boy. Even when "The Lost Skate Spot" came out, Goggles still had very little screentime and lines.

Not only that, but it's very difficult to say anymore about Goggles in Ketterville canon. There aren't any photos of his toy box online that gives specific lore about him other than he was the last member of the Wild Grinders.

Meaty didn't talk at all.

Shark Attack is a part of Ketterville canon, but because he has more California influences, that's where we finally get into 'Sprawl City Canon' aka when the toyline was cancelled in favour of animation.

Sprawl City Canon (TV Series Canon)

Sprawl City's the new and revamped version of Wild Grinders that's basically influenced more by California (where Rob Dyrdek lives today). It was more #relatable for the younger generation and made for more flexibility of the story to be fun as a TV series. But things got retconned or added because it needed to be a wacky, fun, awesome series for 8-year-olds to easily watch.

At the beginning of the series, there was an attempt to keep the characters true to their lore seen in 'Biggest Sellout' and 'Going Hollyweird' where they stuck to the characters' original voices and even the personalities.... Until they lost it later in the season.

*takes a drag of a pixie stick*

And here's the retcon and unnecessary additions that make what the Sprawl City Canon is today:

This one really isn't that bad, but the series made Lil' Rob and Goggles the friendship duo. Honestly cute, but it does retcon Lil' Rob's friendship @ Jay Jay and Emo Crys

Stubford. And they added his father, Hucksterball. Just the episodic villains that honestly insert themselves in the story. They were never in the short movies and that's all you need to know.

Jay Jay being more of the mature nanny rather than an 'older brother' personality that the toy lore intended. (Listen, 'Lil' Rob Riding Hood' was an episode that made my brain scream about it).

Jack Knife's soft voice being turned into loud, 'southern accent Texan American' for the purpose of it being more funny

The Knife family is a bit more financially stable and can afford housing and they continue to travel as a circus (Butter Knife confirmed to be Jack's little sister), but man. There's something about their personalities (from toy lore) that seemed more fun and feels more genuine.

Emo Crys. He's a lot more of an modern, sanitised, gentrified, hot topic theatre kid. He's not as dark and moody, but more awkward introvert than a full-on 2008 scene kid. And they made him like unicorns and ponies. Not to like hate on that, but they did this exact same thing to Raven in TTGo and something just feels unsettling about this new trend.

Spitball does talk in english, mostly for the purpose of verbal accessibility to kids, but that's not all. He's given more Asian-Hispanic influences in the TV series because he's a ninja. Kinda neat, but his Mexican and punk influences are put aside.

Meaty does talk

This is literally the only canon we can get for Goggles. We learn more about him here. The fact that he's allergic to birthday cake all the way to his eye color being dk blue. We get to see his family and he has more story here and everyone lacks development.

Too tired to write more, but yeah, there's differences in lore send your WG OCs for fun

[rantsandreblogs]

There is just something about a movie set in Appalachia where within five minutes you are going…

Okay, they clearly have a cliched idea of hillbillies, and FFS it’s set in the 20th century, not the 19th! By the time this was set you do realize most people had cars!

Ah yes, the old “poor and rural folks are filthy” school of costume and set design.

Wait, where did those accents come from? I actually have family from the region, and Mom joked about her own hillbilly accent, but I can’t tell what the hell any of the characters are even saying! Did they even bother listening to real accents???

Those mountains are….don’t tell me….Eastern Europe. You did it again Hollywood, thinking some other country’s mountains will do. Because, of course, no American lives in or visits as a tourist the real Appalachian Mountains.

**sigh**

Well, it could be worse. At least this movie was a fantasy and the actual state it’s set in isn’t specified.**

Still, I an sick to death at the pop culture hillbilly! Let me point out that tonight’s movie (that I won’t name) is set in the year my parents married. By that point Mom’s hillbilly family had several PhDs and were just a few years from some working for NASA! They weren’t utterly uneducated and living in isolated shacks about to fall down while wearing raggedy clothes!***

I know, I know. A movie with supernatural monsters running around and I’m moaning about hillbilly stereotyping. But it feels really insulting that 90% of depictions of the region are like this. It always seems to either go “dim witted salt of the earth” or “Deliverance**** nighmare”!

** Here’s one that annoyed the hell out if me: Cold Mountain was set in my state and the mountain in question is very near my family land. Obviously I had family, including my own mother, with local accents. I even actually rather liked the book. So what did they do? Cast an Englishman and Australian for our leads and film it in Romania! I went through that whole move going WRONG!!!

But of course, I expect since most movies aren’t filmed anywhere near where they are set, and cast people from other parts of the world, it’s a common experience when you see places you know supposedly depicted. And heck, people watching Last of the Mohicans that know upstate New York were probably equally appalled at their mountains looking wrong. Meanwhile, I ignored all that wrongness and loved the way it felt like home because it was filmed in “my” mountains.

***Yep, that would be me… the first one uneducated, falling down shack, poverty stricken, and raggedy clothes and all right here. In fact, I think my great, great, grandparent’s house, abandoned decades before I was born, will out last the one I’m living in! I look more like a movie hillbilly than any real folks I knew in the mountains….and I live on the coastal plain!! LOL

**** I have never seen Deliverance, but believe me I have heard a lot about it. I refuse to watch it just because it cemented the “depraved hillbilly” in pop culture. It seemed when I was growing up every tv show wanted to do a PG rated version of it . Like oh dear, our poor city folk main characters end up terrorized by hillbillies on a mountain…probably played by actors if not born in California, born in New York, doing those ultra exaggerated generic “southern” accents while wearing overalls without shirts. How will they escape? (when they are still five years away from cellphones) UGH!

[conkreetmonkey]

REVIEW: Homestuck: Part One (2022 film adaptation)

So I just got my Dimenstream free trial up and running on my PC... did you guys know that just 2 major timelines over, as part of their now-defunct partnership with Dreamworks and with a huge grant from the British monarchy themselves, Aardman did a 3-part, 9 hour adaptation of Homestuck, animated entirely in stop motion Wallace and Gromit style (excepting, of course, some special effects), and apparently in that reality it's the most expensive film ever made at $1.2 billion? According to the trivia section, to get it done within a decent timeframe, they ran 3 different crews at once, each making one of the 3 films in tandem with one another, and due to this there could be no spur-of-the-moment deviations from the script excepting typo removals because then the other two films might have been inconsistent with the change, so they took a whole 2 weeks to absolutely pore over the storyboards and dialogue for any mistakes or possible improvements before filming could start. Andrew Hussie was initially involved with the development, and was in the room for those parts, but left partway through the actual filming to pursue "personal projects." That's all it says, no indication of what those are. And let me tell you, from the first film alone (which is all I've watched so far) it is a fucking TRIP. I imagine any hardcore fans would find it painful, they made SO many changes, but me personally? I had an absolute BLAST, and laughed so hard I almost vomitted on like 4 seperate occasions. For starters:

They made all the beta kids British, excepting Jade who was an American. Dave was from East London and had a thick Cockney accent (honestly it was just really funny when compared with his obnoxiously verbose and "kewl" speech patterns, I liked that), John lived in a white-stuccoed rowhouse in a sprawling suburb of identically shaped yet contrasting redbrick rowhouses (kind of a deviation from the original idea of all the houses being identical including his, like it was a neat aesthetic idea in a vacuum but a little too Roald Dahl for my taste, just felt out of place given the source material) named Crockershire (I liked that, cute lil bit of foreshadowing). Rose lived on the edge of one of those coastal cliffs of white chalk, I couldn't pinpoint her accent but it was very stereotypically posh. Jade lived on an island off the coast of California, yet had a Brooklyn-sounding accent (???). All in all, it was certainly interesting, but was so much of a deviation from the source material that it felt more like an AU fanfiction than an adaptation.

Despite retaining the iconic Aardman artstyle, they very much did not tone down any of the subject matter or language, which felt... off. Like, the Smuppet scenes and all the slurs and swearing especially were very jarring, to the point of breaking my immersion. In fact, I think they cranked up the Smuppet scenes.

The first film only gets up to the point where the Trolls show up and goes through the introduction of each one, so Lord English doesn't get brought up a lot (I think they introduce him, at least conceptually and by name, far earlier in the films, actually), but there were still a lot of cheesy awkward jokes about Lord English's name and I really did not appreciate it after the fifth fucking "Oh, yew mean 'er majesty?" bit. Probably didn't age too well in-timeline either, assuming she died at the same time she did in ours. The first of these movies came out in July. They didn't remove any of it in the later ones, despite both coming out after she croaked in our timeline. I guess because it made sense for the year the films were set in... like, they couldn't logically mention the king, because he wasn't king yet, and would never be because the Buckinghams probably died to meteors.

They sort of... make John x Dave canon? In the first film? Like, before Sburb even starts? They don't even just imply it, either, the first thing they do upon meeting is kiss. Really weird choice, but I respect the sheer ballsiness of putting a gay main character in the most expensive film of all time, at least. There's also a very visible dress sticking out of John's closet and nobody ever acknowledges it, so... well, you know. Whoever wrote this had opinions on John.

Speaking of, they reference The Baby Is You. It happens within the first hour of the first film, too. I feel like they really moved a lil fast with the references. I don't want to spoil it, actually, because I laughed so hard I almost threw up, like literally the hardest I've laughed in years, because, well, I'll just say it absolutely comes out of nowhere and it's not from a place you'd expect.

All the Trolls have American accents. 10/10 on this one, no notes. Gamzee is from south Boston. Vriska is a valley girl.

Actually, forgot to mention, they made Jade black. They kept her hair straight, however, and I really don't know how to feel about that...

Terezi is chubby-buff like she is in Pesterquest, which I kinda liked, but she's the butt of a lot of jokes for it, and not the kind of thing where we're supposed to understand the person making fun is a dickweed for it like when Vriska makes fun of Tavros for being disabled. I think they actually make an equal amount of fat and blind jokes. Like, they equate her "seeing by taste" thing to gluttony and imply she gained weight after becoming blind due to it somehow(???), it's actually kinda gross how much they beat on her for her disability too come to think of it. Like at one point someone, I forget who, says something like "who'd fill a quadrant with THAT?" and it's like... actually mean. There's no comeback, no element of "an asshole is saying this," the film just glosses over it. It's fucked.

Tavros gets treated better, actually, but still worse than he did in the comics. They make "how do your genitals work now" jokes at least 2 or 3 times.

Karkat isn't a mutant anymore?? Candy reds are just called "redbloods" and occupy a new caste between rust and bronze? They even change the sign on his shirt to match. Felt like a huge change to his character, and I hate it. And they didn't alter the expanded zodiac to accomodate a new caste, either (which... ok tbf even in the comic there wasn't some empty row for the limebloods, but I heard they merchandiced the hell out of the zodiac, like there were fucking slushies, and from what I've seen they just... made seemingly random rust signs into red ones???

btw, unrelated but apparently there were a lot of memes about how the green dye used in the jade and olive slushies they sold in a lot of theatres and convenience stores made you shit yourself. Keep in mind, this was a three hour movie, so... yikes. Also, apparently the jade ones were lime flavored, which led to some... debates. Olive was watermelon, which is kind of baffling because you don't eat the green part??

Eridan gets called the F-slur, once and only once. Ironically, Dave says it. While right next to John. His boyfriend. The implied crossdresser. Who does not react at all. What the fuck, British people.

They kinda retconned things so Trolls are homophobic and have distinct sexes now, and like... stop. Please stop. It was so fucking cringe to see the whole "now I see that love is love" thing from EACH. FUCKING. TROLL. Even Eridan, who they reeeally gayed out, like bro the call is coming from inside the house.

They minion-ified the Carapascians and I hate it. Also Jack Noir has like 10 net minutes of screen time and it actually pissed me off because his model looked amazing and the transformation sequences were sooooo cool but felt sooooo rushed. You have 3 hours of movie to work with, guys! Let it breathe!

They changed the design of a lot of the alchemy machines. They still looked cool, but they had the kooky brass-and-rivets designs of a Wallace and Gromit contraption. The totem lathe even turned itself with a white-gloved hand that popped out of a hatch. Everything else about Sburb still felt very white and green y2k video game-ey, so this was an absolutely bizarre choice.

Final thing I'll say because I could honestly prattle about this shit all day: familiar favorites from the original have returned to write the soundtrack. Yay! Excepting the main theme, which was commissioned from Imagine Dragons and was... really fucking bad. You just have to hear it, it's like... how did they think this was anything other than grating. Apparently it became a retail favorite in that timeline, too... ugh. Just ugh. Those poor minimum wage bastards.

Conclusion: if you ever need to kill a evening, watch it. Please. You'll cry laughing. It's not bad, it's not good, it's baffling. The visuals are insanely impressive, yet you're constantly thinking "why did they choose this of all things for a claymation adaptation." The music is either phenomenal to the point of feeling mind-blowing (I mean shit, that one remix of Patient from the LOHAC reveal scene is one of my top ten songs ever now), or makes your lower back hurt from involuntary stress clenching. The writing... well, it's Homestuck, chopped up and reassembled. It escapes description by mortal words, just as much if not more so than its predecessor. You just have to WATCH IT. Go get the free trial right now and get the .exe running, clear an evening, order a pizza, maybe invite some friends over, and FUCKING WATCH IT.

[fishrpg]

2024-10-30: Area 30 (Barbershop)

The big sign out above the front door says "BARBER" with the corresponding red, white, and blue pole nearby, but the letters painted on the door say "Mr. Leopold Winters, Tonsorial Artist." It's situated in a narrow storefront downtown, immediately visible to anyone entering downdown from the west, south, or the railroad.

Inside the shop is exactly what you would expect from a barbershop. There's the chair, with a washbasin on a nearby counter also filled with the tools of the hairdressing and shaving. A bench lines one wall for people who are waiting for Leopold to finish a haircut, and a stove keeps water hot for shaves and hair washing.

Leopold is a man who arrived a few years ago, one of the few people who moved here from California instead of the other way around. He has a slight Sheffield accent (most Americans would just call it an English accent, though) from emigrating to the States as a kid when his father spent the family fortune chasing gold in California after the discovery at Sutter's Mill in 1848. Leopold is great at following the instructions people give for their haircuts, but he wishes more people would let him have more autonomy to do try different styles. So many people could look so much better with some of the styles from California, if only they were willing to try!

He's also handy with a blade, and always has on his person a Taylor Sheffield locking switchblade that used to belong to his father. Unfortunately, it's because some of the men in town think that Leopold is trying to steal their wives because he's in such high demand for women's hair styling, and Leopold must be ready to fight at a moment's notice. He never has to draw blood, though, because he just so fast. The blade is already up to his opponent's neck by the time they unsheathe their bowie knife.

[halfmoon-horse]

Apparently so! :D Here we go:

Phoenix:

Phoenix is half-Japanese, half-American, and was born in Japan and lived there until he was around 8. His dad is/was in the US military, and they moved from Japan to California to be closer to his parents (so Nick's grandparents).

His legal name is Ryuuichi Wright, while Phoenix is a nickname that stuck. Orrr he picked a ~Western~ name when they moved to Cali and 8yo him wouldn't be convinced otherwise, he thought it sounded cool. (It does.)

Alternatively I also see his full name as being Phoenix Anthony Wright. I have no basis for this, I just like the sound of it, but it doesn't fit my mixed race hc.

(Also his dad being a US citizen means that Phoenix with darker skin still fits! Hooray for melding pots!)

Oh and obviously he's bilingual.

And Ryosuke is his ancestor on his mother's side.

He had no friends before the class trial incident because he joined the class/school less than a year ago and kept to himself. He was picked on in Japan for being different (appearance, accent, etc) and was scared of the same thing happening in America. Then no one (at first) had his corner over the lunch money :( Poor lamb.

He is very patient, more so than most people, but I believe that this guy has a temper when he finally snaps. Like punch a wall and split his knuckles temper. (May or may not have been inspired by him smashing a glass window in the anime's 3rd opening (the best opening).)

When he does lose it, he's more likely to throw objects or hit stuff than lash out at another person, even if it means he gets hurt. The incident with Doug Swallow scared him shitless, even though shoving him didn't cause his death.

But he would murder if anyone harmed Trucy :) Well, maybe not, but he'd genuinely consider it. Fantasize about it, even. This guy has a dark side, folks.

Edgeworth:

Raised entirely by his father after his mother died in childbirth. That's right - he believes he killed BOTH his parents >:D But obviously wasn't his fault, it was some extremely rare and unfortunate complication.

Alternatively, I LOVE the family tree in the fanfic Turnabout: Bloodlines. Spectacular. A thousand chef's kisses 👌

He gets eczema on his hands when he's particularly stressed, and keeps moisturiser and steroid cream in his desk drawer. Yes I'm projecting.

When he gets home from work Pess comes to greet him and jumps up. He not only lets her, but kneels down so she can lick his face and 90% of the time the inside of his mouth. Then he goes in to kiss Phoenix and wonders why he ducks away. (Phoenix soon forgets. One time he found one of Pess' hairs in his own mouth... Don't think about it.)

I get big competitive ballroom dancing vibes from this man. Maybe Von Karma had him and Franziska compete as a sibling dance couple. There is at least one trophy in his house, though not on display.

Post-AA4 he teaches Phoenix to drive and has several heart attacks in the process.

Others (I don't have many yet so I combined them):

Trucy would love an exotic pet like a snake or tarantula, but they're pushing their luck with a rabbit. Phoenix uses the landlord as an excuse, says they won't let them, but really he's scared of [insert animal].

Maya runs a food blog comparing burger restaurants in LA, and over the years expands to pizza and noodles. She doesn't update it regularly since she doesn't have internet in Kurain, but each time she visits Phoenix it's a chance to try somewhere new and post a review via the office computer. No one knows her online identity, except Nick, but she's known as the Burger Queen in foodie circles. It's a good side hustle to support the village.

Though she acts childish (I know we meet her at 17 but bear with me), she actually uses humour and immaturity to hide how afraid and insecure she is. This girl has lost so many people in her life: her sister, mother, presumably her father, her aunt, cousins she didn't know she had... She's terrified of losing anyone or anything else. She also wants to shield Pearl from extra unnecessary grief.

Does... does anyone want to hear my headcanons for Ace Attorney characters? 👉👈

[mystargirl-interlude]

𝐀&𝐖

Track Two. American Whore. Pairing: Billy Hargrove X OC

word count: 806

part two:

Being put in the spotlight from an extremely young age ruins your life in the long run.

I was born and raised in Ryazan Russia and When I was four I saw those gorgeous girls on tv gliding across the ice doing jumps and twirls with an Olympic symbol in the back and that's when my love for ice skating started.

My first televised competition was when I was 13.

That adrenaline rush of winning a competition became addicting and I never gave up until I won. Winning is first place, everything else is losing.

watching teenage diary of a girl, wondering what went wrong

By the time I was 15 I had made a name for myself and broke numerous world records and was better than olympic gold medalists. But it all comes to an end when you have to move across the globe to live with your aunt because I needed an education but that isn't even the worst part, the worst part is that it wasn't New York or California it was a small town inside of Indiana where you wouldn't even know existed if it weren't for the street signs. I dont even think this would be any better for my education.

Thankfully I was already very fluent in English and French so I won't have any trouble there but apparently I wasn't the only new person here

As I arrive at the small house I take a look at my surroundings becoming aware of everything around me. Seeing little kids stare at me like they have never seen life outside of Hawkins. 

     Location: Hawkins high school. 

Driving up to the school was the most humiliating thing a human can experience, being one of the two new people in a small town where no doubtingly nothing happens so its no secret everyone is going to be in your business. The other new person is much more interesting than be so the attention wasn't on me for long. I look up hearing a loud engine getting closer and closer and seeing a gorgeous blue Camaro come into view. Now that is the most interesting that has happened in this town.

time skip

Finally I get to the office and am getting my name down when a man with dirty blonde hair and denim on denim walks in. Im not going to deny the fact that he was attractive but it was the fact that he knew he was and he was way too  confident. Thats why I kept my distance. I acknowledged his presence and went back to doing what I was doing.

Billy Hargrove:

Now I was new to this town. I didn't know anyone and I didn't need to. i'm from fucking California for fucks sake. Im not going to say moving to this small town didn't mean shit because it did but I was clearly the most modern person there, I mean ( chuckles). I had everyone here wrapped around my finger and I needed to do was to show up.

As  I walk into the office I see another girl in here clearly very different from everyone else around here. She didn't have goofy fried hair like everyone else; she had long and I mean long hair, it was red and not the ginger red, it was a true red color but obviously dyed. she had a slightly round face, she was thin but had a lot of muscle but not to the point where she looked bulky. But the thing that really got me was she barley even spared a second glance at me when I walked in.

And I'm standing over here wondering where this girl comes from because it clearly isn't from around here (Indiana). I Watched her as the front desk lady, I think her name was Betty or some stupid shit like that, it doesn't matter, checked her in. when she asked for her name thats when I really started listening, but was quickly caught off guard when I heard her heavy accent as she spoke, now very clearly not around here speaking about this country. Her name was Alexandra Trusova, it sounded familiar but I quickly brushed it off. As soon as she was finished and started getting her stuff together I started to fix my hair and adjust my jacket, getting ready to pull my usual lines on her. she started walking towards me and I knew I had this in the bag but as she got closer I could barley get out two words before she brushed past me giving me a dirty look like I just interrupted her day, And I'm standing here thinking to myself who the fuck does this girl think she is?

[bastart13]

I’ve had a lot of fun recently coming with with female mercenary characters for TF2. I really liked where the concept art was going with making them all individual characters rather than simply “if the characters were women”

The design style is fantastic for distinct simplicity so I tried limiting myself to basic colours and shapes to make these

and I’m pretty confident they pass the silhouette test!

Character names/bios under the cut!

Heavy

Name: Marie Jarrett

Age: Mid 30s-40s

Height: 6’5

Nationality: American (Hawai’i)

Bio: Raised in Hawai’i, growing up she developed more and more drastic measures to fend off the tourists swarming her home. Land mines, electric gates, guard dogs, none could stop them for long until she picked up her trusty minigun to send her message. But even still, she hears the click of cameras in the night.

Eventually, she left her home to explore the world. Enthralled with the image of seeing different wonders across different countries, she’s always disappointed. She’s travelled every continent and still finds nothing that lives up to her expectations. No place, no person. She’s outgoing and open to new experiences, only she usually hates them.

Mercenary life is a great opportunity to earn money, see sights, meet new people and kill them after they don’t meet your expectations. She hates New Mexico and takes every opportunity to destroy the buildings and insult her employer’s tastes. She finds some people she tolerates within the mercenaries as she hasn’t yet visited where they live. However much she hides it, she has a deep, instinctual fear of the Engineer.

  Soldier

Name: Linda Smith

Age: Early 40s

Height: 5’10

Nationality: Canadian

Bio: Canada’s perfect woman… or so she claims. The star of war propaganda posters and clearly decided for the role because of her great tactical assets. She’s there to motivate people into the fight. To spread the glory of Canada and inspire her allies. She believes she has higher orders than anyone else she’s working for (ignoring the fact she hasn’t heard from them for a good few years) and is determined to follow them to the letter. She may have lost the letter but she remembers it good enough.

She represents the ideals of Canada: polite, friendly, apologetic, and pacifistic. None of these are contradicted by how she throws around rockets. That’s not what Canada means. She’s superior to everyone around her and graciously educates them on how to improve through example. She loves her French and British allies and will kindly tell the Americans how to be better.

She’s motivating and actually fairly competent, it’s just that competency might be misdirected. She’s damn good at rocket jumping, shooting her shotgun, and supporting her team, it’s just that you really need to get it in her head when she’s meant to be doing it.

Scout

Name: Patricia “Pat” Herald

Age: 50s-60s

Height: 5’4

Nationality: English

Bio: In her years, Patricia has learnt fear… and she’s learnt to laugh in its face. She wakes up at the crack of dawn, ready to leave at the drop of a hat, boots polished and laced the night before. Her years have taught her that with a gun and Jeremy by her side, she can survive!

The postal route of Appleby-in-Westmorland.

She’s been chased by geese, dogs, cows, elderly ladies, and when her postal route had her delivering post during the war, she developed a taste for blood. Nothing will stop her from delivering her post on time. Every day before 6am, every postbox will have their letters and parcels. One chucked across barbed wire, another house jumped over a river, another house miles into the country with dogs on her heels, she WILL get there and she’ll get there FAST.

But after a couple of decades, she needs a change of scenery, and the Gravels wars are just the holiday she’s needed. With her trusty black and white cat by her side (ignoring the yowling and scratches) she reckons it’ll be great time to enjoy herself.

Quotes: “Oh, hello, Human Jeremy.”

“Bloody fucking Ethel! Building her house out in the country… surrounded by bloody hills and rivers!”

Pyro

Name: Nikephoros Papadopoulos

Age: Late 20s

Height: 5’11

Nationality: Greek

Bio: Survival of the fittest. Nature gives and nature taketh away. If you’re not prepared for that, well, Pyro is more than happy to teach you the lesson. They embody the old values of the Greek gods: f*ck or fire. She indulges her every whim and unfortunately for the people around her it often involves arson.

One year for the Olympic games, she was given the noble title of torchbearer. On complete coincidence, the Olympics shifted to primarily water sports. Underwater sprints became the hot new trend!

She’s merry and chatty, never missing the opportunity to talk to other people about herself and her world view. She can’t wait to spread her gospel to help other people improve themselves (though she always gets a laugh out of those who go out screaming in the flames). She can’t help it if she has a sadistic side.

Engineer

Name: Mikawo Kojima

Age: Early 20s

Height: 5’0

Nationality: Japanese

Bio: Japan’s early-rising industrial revolutions in technology are best exemplified in Mikawo, a young upstart determined to rise to the top, learning everything she can and building the best of the best. Unfortunately, she’s never been the most creative but when you happen upon other people’s blueprints and happen to construct them first, what does it matter who came up with the “concept”?

At first, she appears to be every bit the quiet and demure young woman people expect, only when silk hides steel, that steel is a massive automatic sentry gun. She’s motivated by a distinct contempt for the people who get in her way. Especially those who try to be better than her. She enjoys the flexibility of English, especially the cusses, and she has no reservations about swearing up a storm, even if she still refuses to give a straight rejection, preferring instead to give a small “I’ll think about it.”

Quotes: “This GUN is fair use on your head!”

Demo

Name: Qingzhao Zeng

Age: Late 40s

Height: 5’3

Nationality: Chinese

Bio: The Zeng family has a long-standing family trade in demolitions and explosives, traced down the line all the way to the Song dynasty. Luckily, Qingzhao has sisters so, you know, it’s not all that important. She doesn’t even have to stop smoking and drinking. She hasn’t blown herself up (that much) so clearly, it’s working. Precision is for other people to worry about. She’s apathetic to a T, having seen everything. Measurements come from the heart. A pinch of gunpowder there, a splash of paint there.

Her family has a deep-seated rivalry with the DeGroots. Long ago in ancient China, a Zeng matriarch woke up in a cold sweat, a message from the stars to let them know of their Scottish rivals. Due to being a continent away from each other, the families have actually met each other only a handful of times, but the hatred needs to be kept up because, what if?

Turns out, Qingzhao has met Tavish even before finding employment under the Mann brothers. One drunken night, the two of them had a short, whirlwind friendship, sharing secrets and declaring each other to be their best friends. Luckily for them, they both forgot the night, merrily hating each other as tradition dictates. However, headaches and flashes of this terrible night haunt them both. Could they really get over centuries of hate and become friends?

Absolutely not.

Sniper

Name: Ansa Aaltonen

Age: 27

Height: 6’2

Nationality: Finnish

Bio: Snow. Sugar. Cocaine.  Her life is run by many white powders. Ansa is a professional sniper, with a sharp eye and a steady hand… when she isn’t also high as a kite, lost in the snowy wilderness of Finland and screeching to the sky. When you’re up in the dark and cold, you need something to give you a little pep in your step. It just so happens Ansa liked having a bit more pep than most.

She’s there for a THRILL. There’s nothing better to get your heart pumping at 200 beats per second than a good headshot, embracing the chill, and a hit of sugar. She no longer feels the cold or heat or even pain, shrugging it off until she collapses. It just makes her feel alive. She’s efficient, fast, and determined to get her kicks.

She has an unusual taste, living off fermented fish and tree bark. To most people around the Finnish wilderness, she’s nothing more than an urban legend, but she’s very real and she’s looking for some excitement, happily found in employment in the Gravel wars.

Spy

Name: Yvonne Pleshette [Real name N/A]

Age: 30s

Height: 5’8

Nationality: American (California)

Bio: The silver screen calls to his woman and she’s happy to answer. She trains herself to act in every possible role she can, having a wide range of accents, body languages, and backstories. To truly test herself, she gave up her identity long ago. Lately she’s been going by the name “Yvonne.”

The world of Hollywood is cutthroat and full of backstabbers so she learnt to cut throats and stab backs. While some people tell her the terms are metaphorical, nothing else has given her more roles. Living the mercenary life is simply gathering research for her roles (and earning some much-needed money in the process).

She presents herself as a classic film star, despite being a minor name at best, mostly because she’s always changing it. She has high standards but a cheapskate personality. She’s a bit of a bitch, happily criticising others, especially if they’re working with her. What can she say? She’s a diva.

[Slutshames other spy]

Quotes: “Ugh, actors these days, they know nothing about getting into character. They still have names.”

“’AHHHHH—’ Wait, no. Once more from the top. Scream in agony.”

Medic

Name: Susan Monks

Age: 30-40s

Height: 5’7

Nationality: American (New Jersey)

Bio: The American Healthcare system. Is there a more glorious sight? The exploitation of pain. The money. The debt. The fear it strikes into the entire population it’s designed to help. To Susan, there’s nothing better. She squeezes every last drop from the people she helps, working on a purely transactional lifestyle. She’ll never help someone unless she has all of their insurance information and the payment secure in her bank, and god forbid she ever accept help. It’s not like she can afford her own prices.

She’s very self-aware of her own corruption and proud of it, though she refuses to be exploited in the same way, suspicious of anything “free” but also doing her best not to pay for anything.

That said, she doesn’t much care for how good a job she does. In her eyes, asking for surgery is one thing. Asking for successful surgery is another. She has a variety of skills in both cosmetic and military medicine. She just wishes the license board would stop sending her “malpractice” letters. Ugh, stick to your own business. “Disappearing” all their messengers is becoming a pain.

Quotes: “Why get someone else to do something for you when you can scrounge a way to do it yourself?”