#most of mine were the perfectionist. i was always ready and willing

[sourtomatola]

Just curious cause o was just reading a thing on group projects,

[infernalodie]

What about a adult black dad reader who’s like a sports guy and adult maddie, and their kid is like the best on the soccer team. And them being hot parents and shit and everybody’s jealous of their relationship. And their kid is really cool and has good taste in music yk? Sorry if this is a weird request.

I hope you don’t mind, but I changed the sport. Everything is practically the same besides this one change.

𝐁𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐝𝐨𝐦 || 𝐌𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐳

“𝘔𝘺 𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘬, 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 '𝘦𝘮, 𝘐'𝘮 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 '𝘦𝘮 "𝘏𝘪 𝘺'𝘢𝘭𝘭, 𝘺'𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘪𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘭𝘦𝘮? 𝘐𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘦? 𝘊𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘐'𝘮 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘰𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘥, 𝘐'𝘮, 𝘣𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘥."“

Inspo: Tyler, The Creator - Boredom

Pairing: Maddy Perez x Black!Male!reader

Summary: It seemed the a lot of yourself and Maddy had carried on into your daughter when you two were in Highschool. And something about that was amazing.

(gif used is not mine)

Warnings: Pure Fluff

Part Two - Final Part

Words 1836

“Sasha, you gotta follow through on that!”

Your daughter panted, hands resting on her knees with her body doubled forward. Chest rising and falling in a repetitive manor that caused her chest to tighten with each breath. Sweat beating down her forehead and arms that slightly trembled from the extensive workout. Unsure if she wanted to walk over and strangle her dad or simply be grateful that he was always more than willing to help teach her. She did ask him to help her work on her fundamental's, hadn’t she?

None of her friends had gotten back to her to come and workout, so you were her last choice, and there was a reason for that. It wasn’t anything terribly bad. You just had a tendency to work her to her last atom and on the brink of passing out. But she should’ve expected much considering you played this sport back in Highschool and College.

The sound of Tyler The Creator’s voice boomed through her JBL speaker in the corner of the gym. Looking up, Sasha watched you bounce the ball before tucking the basketball under your arm. Walking towards her and opening your hands, a dead giveaway that your daughter should be prepared to just listen what you had to say.

“When you start driving through the paint, you get scared of people who are taller than you,” you explained. “I towered over you, hands up and everything, ready to contest the shot. But you just throw away the ball or put up a lousy shot because you don’t know what to do.”

“Well, it’s not my fault I got the shitty genes for height.” The girl huffed, placing her hands on her hips.

“I heard that!” Maddy’s voice filled the gym, both basketball players turning to see the woman walking in with a bag of food and drinks. “Consider that being one of the good things because you get your ungratefulness from you father.” She teased.

You let out a scoff. “I’m never ungrateful.”

Sasha rolled her eyes, walking towards her mother, who situated herself on one of the many chairs in the basketball gym. Your brows furrowed together as you didn’t get a response, quick to follow your daughter. “I’m not!”

Ignoring your comment, Maddy pulled out her own bottle of water and took a sip. “But he’s right, Sasha,” she pointed out. “You always toss the ball away when things don’t seem to be on your side.”

“Well, I try, but some of those girls are freakishly tall and aggressive half the fuckin��� time.” She sat herself down on one of the chairs, silently thanking her mother for the water. “I’m not a fucking god or anything.”

The comment had Maddy glancing at you, and you knew that one look better than anyone. Maddy used to give it to you whenever you put yourself down back in Highschool during a workout. Sometimes, it was hard for you to realize how good you truly were at something. In short terms, you were a perfectionist at everything you tried to do and basketball was one of those things.

You had been the best on your team and was even a D1 prospect. But, you didn’t feel as good as most saw you. Thankfully, you had Maddy there to make you see the truth and support you every day. Now, it seemed Sasha had taken up your worst trait and now Maddy was expecting you to take the role of being the support. After all, you were the specialist in this field, not Maddy. She’d only taken some things away from the years of you playing in Highschool and College.

Looking at your daughter, you could see that she thinking of all her imperfections with the game. It was noticeable by her thin brows knitting together, the tiniest movement of her lips, silently muttering curses at herself. Much to the same things you used to do when you were younger.

Sniffling, you started bouncing the basketball. The repetitive crackle of the ball hitting the floor filled the gym. Sasha glanced up at you, finding your eyes to fixated on her. “Stand up.”

She wanted to protest. Tell you how tired she was and to give her a little more time to breathe, but she knew better. So, she stood up and followed you to the center of the court.

Once there, you crossed the ball back and forth behind your back. Grinning when Sasha gave you a confused look. But behind those baby blue eyes, you could see the curiosity stirring. “I’m going to pass you the ball and you’re going to drive it towards the net.”

Sasha raised a brow, lips curling into a smile with a shrug. “All right, then.”

Passing her the ball, Sasha ran towards the net. Leaping up to lay the ball up, but all that could be heard a second later was a loud slap that filled the air. When she landed on her two feet, she frowned and turned around to see you standing under the net now with the ball in hand. A taunting look on your face as you spun the ball on your index finger.

“Again.”

Again, she did the same thing and the ball ended up back in your hands. Each time she went through it, the same thing happened. It was safe to say that Sasha was growing angrier after each time. Occasionally bumping shoulders with you as she snatched the ball from your hand.

She wasn’t known to be as emotional as anyone else her age. Sasha was always so calm and reserved with a lot of the things she did. With the popularity she had with her last name and her two extremely attractive parents, a lot of people expected her to be overly emotional and get what she wanted. But she was so different from you and Maddy, that the fact that she showed any vulnerability scared you guys sometimes.

But on the last try, when that ball was taken from her grasp, she felt her walls crumble. Knees folding underneath her as she broke down into sobs. When Maddy got to her feet, ready to go over and comfort her daughter, you stopped her. Shaking your head, and Maddy listened. But she stayed standing, ready to run over to her daughter at the chance that she might be needed.

Sasha lulled her head back, knees brought to her chest as she rapidly wiped her cheeks to hide the fact that she was crying. But it was already too late when you crouched down in front of her.

“Do you know why I made you run that simple drill?” You mused.

The teen blew a raspberry, blinking rapidly. “I don’t know, ‘cause your an asshole.”

You let out a low rumble of a laugh as you nodded. “Yes, but other than that.”

She stayed silent for a moment, hoping that she could find the right answer. “Sasha, stop thinking so hard about it.” She looked up at you, finding nothing but pure love in your expression. “Just say what you feel might be the answer.”

Doing as she was told, she shrugged slightly. “You wanted me to see something.”

“What did you see every time you did that drill?”

Glancing back towards the court, replaying the multitude of repeats and coming up on nothing. Bowing her head with another tiny shrug that you replied with a soft sigh.

Shifting to sit beside her, you wrapped an arm around her shoulders. “Every time we ran that drill, you were faster than me to the net,” you explained. “You could make the exception that I am old and I don’t have the same speed as I once did, but you beat me to that net every single time. Most of the time, I barely just made it there in time to get the ball from your hands.”

“Is this suppose to help?”

“Sasha, don’t be a smartass and just listen, alright?” The girl pursed her trembling lips as you pressed a kiss to her temple. “You are faster than everyone else on your team. You know that, I know that, and your mom knows that. Use it to your advantage. Use your speed to blow by me or pull me out of the paint so you can get a clear lane to basket. You are smart enough to do all of this, but you keep getting stuck in here-”

A caramel toned finger pressed to her temple and Sasha nibbled on the inside of her cheek. “Once you get out of your head, you will be able to fully realize how amazing you are at this.”

You didn’t wait for another response before you stood up and offered a hand for Sasha to take. There was a brief moment of hesitance before she reluctantly took it. Meanwhile, Maddy stood anxiously watching the both of you walk to the center of the court once again.

“Use what you know against me,” you told her. “Just make sure I don’t get the ball from you.”

Sasha took a deep breath, before nodding. With one last moment of silence, you passed her the ball. Immediately, Sasha was running towards the net with the rapid beat of the ball hitting the wooden floor. You footsteps could be heard close behind and all she could hear as soon as she jumped to lay it up.

Instead of doing the normal layup, she switched it to her left hand and flicked it up onto the left corner of the white painted box. She hit the ground with a grunt and spun around to watch the ball fall through the net. A large grin formed on her lips with a yelp slipping past her lips, body being hoisted up.

“That’s my girl!” You yelled. “See what I mean? You use that for lazy warm up’s, but you can use that on someone who is bigger than you or on a fast break. You have everything you need Sasha, it just depends on how you’re going to use it, baby.”

The three of you exited the gym soon after that. Getting dressed before getting settled in the car. “Thank you for helping her.” Maddy smiled. “If anyone could get through to her, it was you.”

You smiled, leaning over and kissing her on the lips before Sasha leaned between the seats and shoved both of you apart. “Enough kissing and let me turn this up.” Her sepla toned hand turned the dial, alerting you of Boredom from Tyler, The Creator beginning to play. A smile forming on your lips as you pulled out of the parking lot. Car being filled with three voices singing the lyrics and Sasha rapping Tyler’s verse.

If there was anything that you knew, it was the fact that you were gifted with a daughter who would be better than you in every aspect. And you were just happy to see her grow into something amazing.

[spazztrapavacado]

AA headcannon pt 15: Apollo's childhood

• Strangely enough, the only things he remembers of his actual parents are the smell of his dad's hair-gel because he got into it a few times and his mom's singing voice because she was always humming. These memories become fuzzy and distant, but it's why Lamiroir's voice had been so strangely soothing and why he feels the need to put extra hair gel on even though he could accomplish his style with less

• Not that he knows this is why, if you ask him, he'll probably say 'Her voice is familiar, but I can't place it' or for the other, 'it just feels like the right amount'

• Our boy was so slow to develop in the time he was going from foster-home to foster-home that the people that took care of him were legitimately concerned he had other problems going on, so he got taken to the doctor a lot

• When he took his first steps, no one was really there to hold his hands and lead him along so he fell over twice crossing the room to get a toy, but he was determined

• When an older kid tried to take his bracelet from him to tease him, they both quickly discovered that if Apollo was not intending to part with it it would refuse to come off. This thing has a death-grip on little Apollo's wrist and he's just "It comes off when I take it off so it must not like you." >:/

• Believed for a long time that his bracelet liked and didn't like certain people, all based on his own opinions of course because it's his best friend and always has been.

• The main reason Dhurke wanted to adopt is because he ends up not having enough time to play with Nahyuta and is worried his son's going to have social issues later. Plus, he can afford to have another kid, no problem. It might even be fun :)

• When Apollo gets told by Dhurke he's going to be adopting him, he is all starry-eyed and beaming

• It's his turn to go home with someone, and he is sure it's gonna be the best thing ever. Dhurke can only look at him like 'I was here because I needed company for Nahyuta when I go away, and now I'm looking at the most adorable child I've ever seen in my life besides mine, who left this boy??'

• Him and Nahyuta hit it off surprisingly well, but in weird ways. Apollo will see him meditating instead of playing and walk over to sit a little ways away, trying to mimic him and figure out why this is fun instead of immediately judging him like other kids. Nahyuta curiously asks about the bracelet Apollo always wears and respectfully doesn't touch it until he's been given permission to. They're both really careful with each other and it's appreciated

• When Dhurke has to take them to live in the woods, he's very glad he got Apollo. He'd be worried they would get lonely if they didn't get along so well

• It was a whirlwind of confusing feelings getting sent back to America, and it left a bitter hole in Apollo's heart. He didn't understand why his dad just gave him to a foster home across the sea with hardly any warning. It was just him and his wrist-band again, lost and alone. He felt more alone then than he ever did in that new house full of kids than in the woods with just Yuty.

• He was promised Dhurke would come back, but the words were hollow, and he knew it. He turned away any chance at getting adopted by other parents because he couldn't deal with this if it ever happened again, he was okay to just be him

• When he meets Clay and cheers him up, he's a little unsure what to do when the boy keeps pulling him along to go play. Clay seems to really like having him around and who is he to turn down a chance at having a friend, at least?

• Their teachers are always taken aback seeing them play because in class they're so respectful and focused and at recess they are fighting with sticks and screaming

• One wants to go to space and one wants to be an attorney, they're definitely an odd pair, there was no getting around it

• Phoenix Write's name starts appearing in newspapers and Apollo starts reading them. This is the coolest attorney in the world, he hopes he can be half as cool as Wright.

• High school was the last stretch of time before childhood was over and he could go be an adult

• He is so ready for it to end, he sees adulthood as a sense of control he's never had and he desperately want it, he's tired of being swept along by tragedy and loneliness

• Clay's still gonna have his back, though, so he's got that going for him

• His grades are great, he's making all A's, even if he has to study hard in all his free time and do all the extra credit his teachers are willing to give him, his average scores are over 100% and his report cards always say something about 'excellent work ethic'

• Kristoph Gavin, who scouts for new attorneys to mentor, has never visited his school in previous years, but keeps walking in and addressing Apollo directly so he's confused but happy about that. That's a good sign, right?

• Kristoph is, at first, dissapointed his scores are from extra credit and not that he's some kind of genius, but he's testing him anyway just to see if he's got the guts to go with his more than perfect scores

• He passes, much to Kristoph's satisfaction, he does very well and has all the skills he'll need to be useful. Kristoph pays for his college and picks all his classes with the faith the boy will manage.

• "You gotta pick a protege young so you can have that level of control over their career." -Kristoph 'perfectionist' Gavin

• Around that same time Clay is accepted into a college, as well

• So this is goodbye...

• They're both sobbing, they've both lost people before and it feels like this is the last time they'll ever see each other

• They promise to write and call, and go their separate ways. They really should have expected it, I mean one wants to go to SPACE, but it's all tears and sniffles and promises to stay in touch

• When he looks back on it, Apollo's childhood is a jarring mess of feeling tossed around by the whims of fate and losing things that are important to him, but if there's anything he's thankful for, it's that he's getting a chance to tie those loose ends up now

[labyrinth-runner]

Doc Holiday

A Dan Torrance x Reader Holiday fanfic. Gif, not mine. From here. And its from A Long Way Up if I remember correctly.

Word Count: ~2400

Warnings: None. Pure holiday fluff.

The holidays were always a hard time at the Helen Rivington House. Weather depending, some of the residents would have visitors, but many of them were left here alone. 

I guess the most wonderful time of the year would be ruined by the sound of grandpa’s labored breathing, or grandma’s coughing, you thought sadly as you closed your shop across the way.

You wanted to do something for the residents. After all, just because their family had forgotten them didn’t mean that you would. That was how you got the idea for your weekend plans. You had a surplus of holiday decor in the back of the shop left over from the previous owner. You’d thought it was a little silly to go all out with the bookstore, especially since you found business to be a little harder these days. Still, you hadn’t had the heart to get rid of them. Now you were grateful for that decision.

The next day, you went to the Rivington House, dragging a wagon full of supplies behind you. The nurse on duty gave you an odd look.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“I had some extra supplies and was wondering if I could decorate in here for the holidays?” you asked hopefully, bouncing slightly on your feet.

A warm smile grew on her face, “Oh, they’ll love that. We’re a little short on staff today, though, so you’ll be decorating on your own.”

“That’s okay,” you said with a small smile. “Just means I can be a perfectionist.”

She chuckled softly, holding the door to the living room open for you. The room wasn’t much, but it would do. Looking over at the few residents in the room, you could see them glancing at you with interest. 

“Whatcha got there, youngin’?” an old man asked.

“Holiday decorations,” you blushed before digging around in one of your boxes. “Would you be willing to help make some of the decorations for me?”

“I’m not sure it’ll be any good,” he said, looking down at his hands. “Arthritis is a bitch.” He looked up at you. “Don’t get old.”

You smiled softly at him before placing some stockings and fabric paint on the table. “It’s the thought that counts. It doesn’t have to look like it belongs at Macy’s. I just thought it would be nice to make stockings for the staff.”

“That I can do,” he said, taking a bottle of green paint from your supplies.

You nodded before turning back to the room, turning on some holiday music on your phone. Eventually, you found yourself digging around in your boxes to assemble the Christmas tree after putting up a Menorah on one of the tables.

A small chuckle breezed through your lips. You hadn’t assembled a Christmas tree in years, you realized as you fluffed out the branches. Soon, it was ready for the ornaments. You passed some out to the residents to hang wherever they saw fit as you went to get a ladder from the broom closet so that you could put the star on the top when you were done. 

Placing the ladder against the wall you realized just how rickety it was. The rungs creaked with every step, much to your chagrin. You were so close to the top that you couldn’t possibly give up now. Leaning over, you tried to reach the top of the tree, causing the ladder to wobble as you leaned further than it was able to handle. 

It happened in slow motion.

Your hand triumphantly placed the star on the top of the tree.

Then, you started to tilt backwards away from the wall. Your eyes widened in horror as you realized what was about to happen. Scrunching them shut, you braced for an impact with the floor that never came.

Instead, you found yourself in a strong pair of arms.

“Are you alright?” your savior asked.

Opening your eyes, you realized who it was. If you had been so inclined to write a letter to Santa this year, you would have asked for this man to be under your tree. His blue eyes were more beautiful than any of the ornaments on the tree, and here in his arms was warmer than any fire place you could sit in front of. You’d fallen for him long ago, but every day you were reminded of exactly why you had. Now, if only the feeling was mutual, you thought. 

"I���m alright. I can think of worse people to fall for,” you blushed, realizing what you said and stammered out a quick, “I mean fall on. Worse people to fall on.” 

The man smiled down at you, the corner of his eyes crinkling at the action. “You should be more careful. There’s a reason why that ladder was in the closet,” he said warmly as he placed you back down on your own two feet.

“The residents said-”

“The residents don’t always have the most accurate information,” he said softly.

“I heard that, Doc!” the man working on the stockings grumbled.

“Oh, yeah, Charlie? Good. It was directed at you,” he teased, coming over to inspect what he was working on.

“Well, looks like you’re getting coal in your stocking,” Charlie belly-laughed. “Aren’t you awake a little early, Danny boy?”

Dan shrugged, locking eyes with you, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips, “Couldn’t sleep when I heard all the commotion downstairs.”

Part of you wondered if he knew who you were. The town was small enough, that surely he had heard about you. But, did he know who you were to him? Did he know you were the one that left him little unsigned letters here and there? If his gift was as powerful as you’d heard it was, then he surely knew it was you, and yet he didn’t betray that knowledge ever.

“Doc, do me a favor and hang this on the fireplace, would ya?” Charlie asked, passing him the stocking. It had Dan’s name spelled in the squiggly letters of an unsure hand along the top and a well-intentioned candy cane on the actual sock. 

“Sure, Charlie,” Dan said, patting his shoulder before hanging it next to the others in a row. He stepped back to admire the room. “Well, I think it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas in this place.”

“You know what would make it more like Christmas?” you asked softly.

“What?” he asked with a look of amusement, turning to face you.

You gestured for him to bend slightly to give you his ear. “You know, I’ve got a Santa suit and presents back at the shop,” you whispered in his ear.

“Really?” he asked with a wide grin.

“Yeah. Want to help?” you asked nervously, rocking on your feet again.

“I’d love to. But, what about the rest of your decorations?” 

“We can handle that,” Charlie said, teetering over towards the boxes on unsteady feet.

You and Dan shared a look.

“I’ll supervise,” one of the nurses quickly said. 

Dan gave her an appreciative nod before following you back to the shop. 

He looked around the stacks of books as you went to fetch the re-shelf cart.

“It’s kind of you to do this,” Dan commented as he lazily perused the stacks.

You blushed, back towards him as you set the cart nearby. “I just think everyone should have a present on Christmas,” you murmured before turning. “Now, tell me what everyone is into and I’ll pull a book. I’ve got gift bags in the back that we can put them in afterwards.”

Dan closed his eyes, thinking about his residents. “Delilah loves romance novels. She’s always watching the Hallmark channel. Robert is into submarines. He used to build them after getting back from World War Two. Lily likes to learn about different religions.”

You dug through the racks, puling books here and there, “And Charlie?”

A small chuckle breezed through his lips, “Charlie likes books on the Civil War. He was a re-enactor in the day.”

“Did New Hampshire have a lot fo battles?” you asked in amusement as you stretched up to reach the book you had in mind. It was barely in your reach.

“No, but he used to travel a lot to be a part of them,” he replied, coming up behind you to take it down.

You turned slightly, noticing just how close you were. Swallowing a nervous lump, you murmured, “You know your residents really well.”

His eyes trailed your face, settling briefly on your lips before flicking back up to your eyes, “When you care for someone every day, you get to know them well.”

“I’m sure the appreciate you.”

“Probably, but it’s me who appreciates them,” he breathed. “If it wasn’t for this job, this place, I don’t think I would have stayed. I never would have found a place that accepted me as I am and felt like home.”

“You’re a nomad?” you asked with a slight up-tilt to the side of your mouth.

“Something like that,” he said as he took a step back, distancing himself in more ways that physically as he put the book on the cart.

The two of you went on like this for another thirty minutes until you had books for everyone, bagged and tagged, ready to be given away. Then, you handed Dan the Santa suit to change into as you pulled on an elf outfit. While you were waiting for him, you loaded your cart up with the gifts.

“Have you been naughty or nice?” Dan purred, coming out from the back, his clothes folded under his arm.

You licked your lips. “I believe in the duality of man. I can be very nice, but-” you walked your fingers up his suit, playfully bold in your elf costume-” for you, I could be very naughty.”

Dan felt his mouth go dry as you playfully tugged on his fake beard. 

“Rosy cheeks, check,” you winked as you went to grab the cart. “Ready?”

“Let’s spread some Christmas cheer,” Dan said as he got the door.

The two of you decided to visit the bed bound residents first before congregating in the living room for everyone else. Seeing the smiles on everyones faces warmed your heart and reaffirmed why you were doing this. All of the residents lit up as you came into view, as well as the staff. Well... most of them. 

“Aren’t you a little old to be dressing up, Doc?” a male nurse teased with a sneer. He looked you over lasciviously. “What’s this? Santa and his ‘ho, ho, ho’?”

“Back off,” Dan said, tapping him firmly in the chest. 

“Or what? You’ll sic Azzie on me? Get real, Doc,” he huffed before moving on, deciding that the two of you weren’t worth the effort.

Dan gave you an apologetic smile, “I’ll make sure he gets coal.”

You reached over and took his hand to squeeze. “Let’s finish this up in the living room. I know how scratchy that beard is.”

The two of walked into the living room to find a group of residents seated for you.

“Doc, you can take the beard off if you want. We know it’s you,” Charlie chuckled.

“Are you sure it won’t ruin the illusion, Charlie?” he teased as he tugged it off to free his face.

“It’s already nice enough what you’re doing,” Charlie replied, “Nothing could ruin that.”

Dan nodded before turning to take the first bag from you. In a few short minutes, everyone had their presents and were chatting amicably about their new reads.

“It looks like your idea was a hit,” Dan said quietly for just you to hear.

You blushed, giving a small shrug, “In my house we always got a book on Christmas to have something to read going into the new year.”

“That’s a sweet tradition,” he smiled.

“I’d always leave the last chapter for New Year’s Eve. I wanted to pretend that ending the year was like ending a book,” you said shyly.

“There are worse views to have,” he replied, wrapping an arm around your shoulder to walk you out.

“Ahem,” Charlie called loudly, causing the two of you to stop and turn to him. Playfully, he pointed up.

Your eyes widened as they spotted the mistletoe, stealthily hidden in the doorway. Then, your eyes fell onto Dan’s blue eyes that were staring at you intently.

He blinked and then looked down. “You don’t have t-”

You took his face in your hands and kissed him, tilting your head slightly to avoid bumping noses. Reflexively, his arms wrapped around your waist to pull you against him. Your hands slid down to settle on the velvet shoulders of his suit as you gently pulled away, dialing down the heat of your kiss as you remembered that you had an audience that was hooting and hollering behind you. Sheepishly, you waved to them before quickly leaving. Your steps were swift as you made it back to your bookstore.

“Wait!” Dan called as he ran after you, an initiative he took after Charlie yelled at him.

You heard the bell on the door ring as he entered, walking steadily towards you.

“Look, I didn’t want to make things awkward, its just the mistletoe ru-” you started to say but were cut off by his lips on yours again. You melted into him, wrapping your arms around him to deepen the kiss.

“I think that was the best Christmas present I’ve ever gotten,” he said sincerely when you pulled back. 

“The kiss?” you asked breathlessly.

“You,” he corrected. “And... Charlie said I would be a fool if I returned the best thing I could have gotten. So, this is me saying I want to keep my present.”

“I don’t know, Dan,” you sighed.

“I know it’s you,” he admitted. “You’re the one who’s been leaving me notes since I moved in. Every time I considered moving, I’d get a note and I’d remind myself that at least one person wants me here, so I should stay to get to know them.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why didn’t you?” he countered.

You sighed, “Fair point.”

“Well, you know what I want for Christmas,” he said, sitting in a chair and pulling you onto his lap. “Tell Santa what you want for Christmas.”

A chuckle tumbled out at the absurdity of it all, “You, Dan-ta. I want you.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” he replied nonchalantly.

You playfully whacked his chest. “Dan!”

He laughed, catching your hand before a second whack and kissing your knuckles. “Merry Christmas, baby.”

“Merry Christmas, Dan,” you smiled.

[simschallenges]

Zodiac Legacy Challenge

(note: because the original poster has deactivated, i am reposting an archived version of the challenge rules retrieved with the wayback machine. all of the following text is a copy of the original post by @autumnalpixels.)

As someone who is a bit of a nerd when it comes to astrology and witchcraft in general, I of course love learning about western zodiacs. So I thought I’d bring my love of the zodiac signs to the sims.

I know that a challenge with this name has been made before, however mine will be more structured for each generation. This is a 12-generation legacy, with each generation representing one of the different zodiacs.

Side note: This legacy is not meant to misrepresent or offend anyone. The generations are being based off of descriptions of the zodiacs from this website. Feel free to read up more about each zodiac to get a better sense of your sim’s personality!

Starting out:

Feel free to make your founder however you’d like. Traits for each heir will be listed in their section, but their looks are up to you so feel free to get creative! You’ll start out like a traditional legacy on one of the 50x50 lots (or 64x64 if you’d like). Here is a link to Pinstar’s legacy rules.

General Challenge Rules:

Honestly this is the only way to fail the challenge, other than not producing an heir.

Generation One: Aquarius

“Aquarius’ are shy and quiet, but on the other hand they can be eccentric and energetic. However, in both cases, they are deep thinkers and highly intellectual people who love helping others. They are able to see without prejudice, on both sides, which makes them people who can easily solve problems.”

Who ever said eccentricity was a bad thing? You are a little out there and can be pretty spacey sometimes, but overall you are very passionate about your morals and strive to make other people’s lives better. Just be careful not to become a pushover.

Traits: Self-assured, Insane, Ambitious Aspiration: Leader of the Pack Career: Politician

Goals:

Reach level ten of the Politician career, either branch

Complete your aspiration

Have a club gathering at least once a week (your club can literally be for anything! Get creative!)

Have three kids, get married as an adult

Have at least four good friends (they don’t have to be a part of your club)

Reach level ten of the Wellness skill

Generation Two: Pisces

“Pisces are very friendly, so they often find themselves in a company of very different people. Pisces are selfless, they are always willing to help others, without hoping to get anything back.”

You love to socialize and surround yourself with all different kinds of people. Your parents loved you and raised you to be kind and perhaps a bit sensitive. You can be insecure at times, especially when it comes to your significant other. For some reason, you can’t seem to stay in a relationship for very long. Is there a way to fix this?

Traits: Creative, Jealous, Gloomy Aspiration: Soulmate Career: Painter

Goals:

Have at least two friends of a different race/gender/sexuality than your sim

Reach level ten of the Painting skill

Reach level ten of the Painter career, either branch

Must go through at least two girl/boyfriends before settling down

Have two kids

Own a pool (at least a 4x4 size)

Generation Three: Aries

“As the first sign in the zodiac, the presence of Aries always marks the beginning of something energetic and turbulent. They are continuously looking for dynamic, speed and competition, always being the first in everything - from work to social gatherings.”

You’re competitive and hard working, and can sometimes come across as a bit arrogant. However, you have a bit of an inferiority complex, so every time your sibling or a friend succeeds, you aren’t too happy about it and always try to one up them. But after a while, you realize that you acting this way is pushing away the people you care about. Can you salvage these relationships before it’s too late and the damage is done?

Traits: Hot-headed, Ambitious, Perfectionist Aspiration: Renaissance Sim Career: Secret Agent

Goals:

Be enemies with your sibling until you are both YA

Only have one friend until you are a YA, since they were the only one who stuck around

Repair your relationships as fast as possible

Reach level ten of the fitness skill

Reach level ten of the Secret Agent career (any branch)

Complete your aspiration

Go for a jog for a total of three hours each week

Have one kid

Generation Four: Taurus

“Practical and well-grounded, Taurus is the sign that harvests the fruits of labor. They feel the need to always be surrounded by love and beauty, turned to the material world and physical pleasures. Stable and conservative, this is one of the most reliable signs of the zodiac, ready to endure and stick to their choices until they reach the point of personal satisfaction.”

You grew up truly appreciating food and what it meant. You were amazed how a simple meal could bring a family together, and how many memories were made because of that. You were close to your parents and were taught to always stand your ground and share your opinions. However, this caused you to become a little bull-headed (pun intended). You’re super stubborn and don’t like to be wrong, and won’t admit that you are ever wrong. This makes romance hard for you, but you keep trying because you are a hopeless romantic at heart. And once you find that special someone, you are loyal ‘til the end.

Traits: Romantic, Foodie, Materialistic Aspiration: Mansion Baron Career: Business

Goals:

use the cheat sims.get_sim_id_by_name {PlayedSimFirstName} {PlayedSimLastName} Get the pregnant Sim’s ID, then use the cheat pregnancy.force_offspring_count {simID} {amount}

Generation Five: Gemini

“Expressive and quick-witted, Gemini represents two different personalities in one and you will never be sure which one you will face. They are sociable, communicative and ready for fun, with a tendency to suddenly get serious, thoughtful and restless. They are fascinated with the world itself, extremely curious, with a constant feeling that there is not enough time to experience everything they want to see.”

Growing up, you had the “perfect life”: two parents who loved each other, lots of friends, good grades, and a beautiful house. You were living the good life, so why did you always feel like you wanted more? You decide to take a step on your own, leaving your family behind to pursue your dreams in the big city. However, you quickly realize that life is harder than it seems. You can’t find a job you’re comfortable in, you can’t hold down a relationship, but you find solace in entertaining people and throwing parties. Something about being a host really makes you feel happy.

Traits: Noncommittal, Outgoing, Insider Aspiration: Party Animal Career: None

Goals:

Must have a twin (feel free to cheat for this)

You are the opposite of your twin, in obvious ways such as style, but also in more subtle ways such as emotions and reactions to events (for example, you could be stereotypical and make one of the twins a “preppy” person and the other an “emo” person)

Reach level ten of the charisma skill

Must move out to an apartment with the Needs TLC trait

Throw every type of party at least once

Complete your aspiration

Have three jobs (at least one week for each) before deciding to freelance (writing books)

Travel to at least two community lots each week and stay there for at least an hour

Have at least level four in three different skills by the time you’re an elder

Learn all of the recipes from the vender stalls in City Living

Have one set of twins (keep trying until you get them)

Be caught cheating by your spouse (you can decide whether they stay together or not)

Generation Six: Cancer

“Deeply intuitive and sentimental, Cancer can be one of the most challenging zodiac signs to get to know. They are very emotional and sensitive, and care deeply about matters of the family and their home. Cancer is sympathetic and attached to people they keep close. Those born with their Sun in Cancer are very loyal and able to empathize with other people’s pain and suffering.”

In another life you would have become a doctor, but in this one you are content with looking after your family and making sure your children grow up the best they can. You’re a loving but strict parent, and just want what’s best for your children. However, will you push them away by being too overbearing?

Traits: Gloomy, Jealous, Family-Oriented Aspiration: Super Parent Career: None

Goals:

Gen six heir must reach level five in Imagination and Communication as a toddler

Master Baking skill

Master Cooking/Gourmet Cooking skills

Host a tea party (or a small get together) every week. Invite over your neighbors, your friends, your family, whomever you’d like. Must have a baked good for the gathering made by you.

Complete your aspiration

Pick up woodworking as a hobby and craft every sculpture

You live off of your parents’ money until you get a spouse: you are to be a house wife/husband, and will never have a job. You’re allowed to sell duplicate sculptures for money, however.

Show off your sculptures by putting them on display somewhere in your house!

Pack a lunch for your kids every morning. If you forget, make them a snack when they get home.

Keep the house clean—all you have to do all day is chores, after all!

Have two kids

Both kids need to have A’s in school

Generation Seven: Leo

“People born under the sign of Leo are natural born leaders. They are dramatic, creative, self-confident, dominant and extremely difficult to resist, able to achieve anything they want to in any area of life they commit to. There is a specific strength to a Leo and their “king of the jungle” status. Leo often has many friends for they are generous and loyal. Self-confident and attractive, this is a Sun sign capable of uniting different groups of people and leading them as one towards a shared cause.”

Your parents were so overbearing to you and your sibling growing up that in your teenage years you began to rebel. Staying out late, skipping class, whatever you could think of. Your parent made sure you got good grades, but you didn’t care about school. All you cared about was your music. You were going to make it big, and you didn’t need calculus to help you rock out on your guitar. You’re arrogant and stubborn, but determined to succeed no matter what the cost. Unfortunately, that means that you can miss out on things that are most important in life.

Traits: Materialistic, Music Lover, Cheerful Aspiration: Musical Genius Career: Entertainer

Goals:

If your heir for this generation is male, come up with some sort of reason for why you got the baby. The mother didn’t want it, the mother died in childbirth, whatever. You can even move her in until she gives birth, then they have a big fight and she walks out on them.

Generation Eight: Virgo

“Virgos are always paying attention to the smallest details. Their methodical approach to life ensures that nothing is left to chance and their heart might be closed for the outer world. This is a sign often misunderstood, not because they lack the ability to express, but because they won’t accept their feelings as valid. The symbolism behind the name speaks well of their nature, born with a feeling they are experiencing everything for the first time.”

You grew up without a strong parental figure in your life, which made it hard for you to trust other people. How do you know that they would be there for you when you truly needed them? You’re cautious and shy, but curious about the world. You truly enjoy learning and collecting things, and through this passion is how you meet the love of your life. They are the only person you can trust, but they can tell you’re always holding yourself back and hiding parts of yourself away from them. Can a relationship last with this kind of distrust?

Traits: Loner, Geek, Bookworm Aspiration: The Curator Career: Scientist

Goals:

Marry a coworker who has at least one trait in common with you

Get married right before becoming an adult

Separate from your spouse for a while after a large fight (your choice if they get back together)

Reach level ten of the Scientist career

Complete your aspiration

Have a home library (at least 25 books)

Finish a collection (your choice)

Have two kids

Generation Nine: Libra

“People born under the sign of Libra are peaceful and fair, and they hate being alone. Partnership is very important for Libra-born, and with their victorious mentality and cooperation, they cannot stand to be alone. The Libra is an Air sign, with expressed intellect and a keen mind. They can be inspired by good books, insurmountable discussions and interesting people.”

You thrive on socialization. Your parents are kind of shy homebodies, but you crave constant company and cannot stand to be by yourself. This can come across as quite overbearing to some people, so sometimes it’s hard for you to make friends. And, despite being such a sociable person, you are kind of oblivious when it comes to romance. You are very childish in the best possible way, and are the kind of parent to get down in the dirt and play with your children. You are a very supportive parent and you strive to make your family as happy as they can be, through whatever means.

Traits: Unflirty, Loves the Outdoors, Goofball Aspiration: Big Happy Family Career: Social Media

Goals:

You post a lot about your kids and about your life, so take as many pictures of your kids as you can!

Generation Ten: Scorpio

“Scorpio-born are passionate and assertive people. They are determined and decisive, and will research until they find out the truth. Scorpio is a great leader, always aware of the situation and also features prominently in resourcefulness.”

You grew up watching true crime television shows and superhero movies and decided that’s what you wanted to do with your life: bring justice and fight evil. Unfortunately you can’t become a superhero, but you can become a police officer/detective. You want to make the world a better place than it was before, and you want your legacy to be something of legend. Hardworking and dedicated to your craft, you tend to focus too much on work and it puts a strain on your relationship.

Traits: Ambitious, Good, Genius Aspiration: Nerd Brain Career: Detective

Goals:

Get married to your high school sweetheart

Complete your aspiration

Reach level ten of the Detective career

Reach level ten of the logic skill

Reach level ten of the handiness skill

Get a divorce (you can decide who gets custody of your kids)

Get remarried as an elder, retire from your career

Have three kids

Generation Eleven: Sagittarius

“Curious and energetic, Sagittarius is one of the biggest travelers among all zodiac signs. Their open mind and philosophical view motivates them to wander around the world in search of the meaning of life.”

You love travel and learning new things. You want to experience as much as you can in your lifetime, which means meeting people different from yourself. You heard that one of your ancestors (generation five) was a big traveller too, so you decide to follow in their footsteps.

Traits: Outgoing, Noncommittal, Dance Machine Aspiration: Friend of the World Career: None

Goals:

Live in three different worlds for at least a week before settling down

Have kids with three different people

Never get married

Make money freelancing (collecting, gardening, painting, writing, whatever you wish!)

Completely redesign your house at least once (after settling down for good)

Go to every festival (unless you’re at work/on a date/at a wedding/etc)

Travel to the Nightclub every Friday

Complete aspiration

Master dancing skill

Master comedy skill

Generation Twelve: Capricorn

“Capricorn is a sign that represents time and responsibility, and its representatives are traditional and often very serious by nature. These individuals possess an inner state of independence that enables significant progress both in their personal and professional lives. They are masters of self-control and have the ability to lead the way.”

You hated how free spirited and laid back your parent was, and craved structure and discipline. Since a teen, you had a schedule every day after school: do homework, practice your skills for an hour, eat dinner, go to bed. Moving around so often meant that you didn’t make many friends, so you chose to devote all of your time to mastering as many skills as you could. But focusing in on one detail of life made you miss out on the bigger picture.

Traits: Ambitious, Snob, Mean Aspiration: Fabulously Wealthy Career: Tech Guru

Goals:

Since this is the final generation, you can choose whether to have kids or not. Preferably none.

Reach level ten of the Tech Guru career (either branch).

Master logic skill

Have at least level seven in three other skills (your choice)

Follow a schedule every day; spontaneity is not your strong suit

Get married as an adult to someone who shares at least one of your traits and is in the same career as you.

Live in an expensive house (200,000 simoleons or more) by the time you’re an adult

Surround yourself only with other snobby people

Buy an expensive item every Wednesday. (Perhaps even start a collection of expensive artwork or sculptures and showcase them somewhere in your house. Feel free to get creative with it.)

Oh wow, we’ve made it to the end of the challenge! I hope you enjoyed. Feel free to show me pictures or update me on your playthrough on this if you’d like (tumblr: autumnalpixels.tumblr.com/twitter: @absoluteking8). You can also use the hashtag #autumnalzodiac so I can see your posts and reblog some of them!

If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to tell me and I’ll take them into consideration. <3

[yourseat]

amidst all of these

"Let it go, let it roll down on your shoulder" 

 Growing up, I was that kid that was shy to the bones. I don't exactly know why, but back then I already wasn't confident enough or even had high self-esteem. Though I must admit, there has been events in my childhood that caused medical trauma which I believed has stayed with me as the years passed by. I have a wonderful family. It is not perfect, but that's what made it beautiful. Never in my life I have been neglected and all my needs are well taken care of. I never really cared about money or the stuff I got, it's just that I was raised to appreciate even the smallest of things and to never take for granted the life I have. I grew up to be compassionate and always ready to be a helping hand. 

 "Don't you know the hardest part is over" 

"You're stronger than what you think" is the line that I repeat to myself over and over again but my agony never seems to end. I knew there were something wrong from the beginning because the way I feel things are a bit different from others. My emotions are always too extreme. When I officially start high school, I thought it was a new beginning for me; it was but my beginnings are a bit different. I definitely learned a lot of things and it made me who I am now. But then again, the process of getting there was exhausting. I thought I will be better but I was not making any progress. The voices in my head only got louder and I try to fight them every single day of my life. Even the smallest of things make me crumble in fear. You see, I always lived in fear. It has become a sick habit that I can't seem to erase. 

That's when I started to suspect that something's wrong with me because I can't bring myself to do even the menial things. 

Waiting in line? Paying my jeepney fare? Walking on a corridor? Introducing myself? Saying my orders at a fast-food restaurant? You name it. I always always feel fear while doing these things. 

I also remembered telling my high school self: "You can do this. You HAVE to go through all of these so you can be stronger in the next years of your life" I stuck by my own words and try to rationalize and compromise with the voices in my head. I tried and it seemed to work. 

 "Let it in Let your clarity define you  In the end  We will only just remember how it feels" 

Just when I thought I am slowly beginning to gain mental strength, I am rapidly losing myself. I wasn't aware that it was consuming all of me. But I stood my ground and just trusted the "process". I tried reaching out for help. I open up to my friends and family, I seek comfort in music and food, and I even make goals for myself because they said it can help me push through and have something to look forward to. But then again, the voices in my head doesn't want to stop. 

"Our lives are made, In these small hours These little wonders These twists and turns of fate" 

Indeed, life is full of twists and turns. I used to believe in "fate" for I have learned that a certain thing or event is most likely bound to happen beyond your control. But no, I have learned that you really make your own fate and destiny. This time, I am the one what will happen to my "tomorrow" I can still recall the times where I thought I was getting better but my mind is getting tired of reassuring myself while I am still constantly fight for my battles. I tried opening up once more to my father and all he said was "Mas tatagan mo pa kasi". That thought resonated with me because what if I'm really not really putting all my efforts on being stronger and mentally stable? What if "kulang" pa? 

I wasn't allowing myself to give up because all I know is that my family is working hard for me to have a "future". I tried to sucked it all in while still living on fear EVERYDAY in my life. But the hardest part is that I am aware that my thoughts are irrational, but I can't convince myself otherwise. Again, I thought this was just a "phase" that once I experienced it, I WILL get through it — that's what they all said to me and I believed it. I always tell myself that I am too young to experience all of these and I will waste my youth worrying every day. 

“Time falls away  But these small hours  These small hours still remain” 

You see, I am slowly forgetting things. My memories. It’s like my memories are being deleted one by one. I tried to remember them, but it is slowly fading on by one. It’s like I don’t even know who I am; like I’m starting to forget everything. But deep down inside I know, that even the small hours I’ve spent in this world, I was contented therefore it will remain on me forever. 

“Let it slide Let your troubles fall behind you Let it shine Until you feel it all around you” 

 Yes, I was struggling but I was still hopeful. I told myself that I do not have the right to complain to my parents because their pain is truthfully greater than mine. They have endured so much more for this family and I simply can not tell them that I drown in anxiety everyday and that I need help. I respect and value my parents so much because they truly are the bravest and most strong-willed persons I will ever meet. I am not a perfect child nor a perfect person; I make mistakes like everyone does but the only difference is, I beat myself into every single mistake I make. It makes me crumble to pieces every time. Some will say that I am a perfectionist and say it is a negative trait of mine that I shouldn’t impose on everybody. While that is true, but I just can’t help it because my mind can not afford to handle failure. My mind is already restless so I can’t handle any more slip-ups. 

“And I don't mind If it's me you need to turn to  We'll get by It's the heart that really matters in the end” 

Now, I think about how I made myself become like this. But then again, can you really blame me? I am vigorously fighting with all my irrational fears and worries without even knowing how to properly handle them. I can still vividly remember that every time the voices in my head got louder and my anxiety is through the roof, I will grip my hair so tight in hopes that it will stop and it will keep me grounded. That is also the time that I never knew that you can scream silently. Everything around me feels extreme and that one wrong move, I will explode like a ticking bomb. But after everything that is happening to me, I stood my ground and still offer the warmest smile and hugs for everyone because it is one of my subtle ways to try and keep them from the agony that this life could offer. I am still able to give so much love to everyone until I noticed that I ran out of it for myself. In other words, I am spent. I became an empty vessel floating around bodies of water. I became a body without soul. I lost all meanings. 

“All of my regret Will wash away somehow” 

Sure, there are a ton of things that I regret not doing, but most especially, I am not a good child to my parents. I did everything well except that. I do not blame anyone but me. My family did nothing wrong but they are constantly punished for things that God knows what for. I became the person that no longer has interest in doing things. It hurts me even to move a bone. This is where I learned to differentiate the words “empty” and “nothing”. Being empty means there was something, until it was gone. Feeling nothing is just a seemingly unending vast space. It is completely nothing. Nada. Zero. I learned how to become numb because I simply won’t let myself feel anymore in order to protect me from anything. I learned how to disregard any feelings that I have and became completely void. Believe me, I tried to retrieve myself back but it was to no avail. I still failed to do so. 

“But I can not forget The way I feel right now” 

I may fail to recall emotions or feelings, but I most certainly won’t forget the way I feel right now, as ironic as it may sound. 

“Time falls away but These small hours, these little wonders Still remain” 

I may fade away, but deep down I know in my self that amidst all of these, I was happy. 

 “I was here for a moment, and then I was gone.  I wish you all a long and happy life”

 ― Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

[elsewherewitch]

Do you have a book of shadows or something similar where you keep such info?:) I hand made one but now I'm scared to ruin the book

Hello, friend! (Get ready for a long post) Yes I do have a book of shadows! :) I actually have a book for literally everything. (Divination, dream journal, thoughts, etc.) I even have a Book of Sigils! (

Honestly, do not scare yourself when keeping a BoS or grimoire. I know there are some people out there with beautiful organized script and drawings, but that is definitely not everyone. My BoS is a scribbly mess, with writing everywhere and drawings. Its just a plain notebook, has misspelled words, and crossed out things. But I love it like that. It shows my growth and my journey/process of learning. I love the feeling of knowing I wrote everything I could in my book. It shows I had passion and was willing to learn.

I thought I’d be super perfectionist, but I wasn’t. Since I am a little perfectionist, I have kept a book for my spells and stuff that won’t change, which I call my grimoire. There is honestly nothing in it lol. Which is why you should not be afraid of making mistakes! If you are too afraid to try, you won’t do anything at all. I convinced myself that I’d just get another journal and that would be my practice grimoire. Turns out that it is now my BoS and I use it daily! That helped me be less afraid, and more comfortable. Plus I got a lot of journals now, so I split things into books based on subjects. (Like my divination journal and Book of Sigils!) Of course you do not need to do that. I just focus on divination, a ton, so I thought this journal would help me understand my decks and runes better. Also I like my Book of Sigils, because I do sigil requests often and I like to go back and use some sigils I have made. 

So I noticed you said you made your book? That sounds cool as heck. Please don’t worry about messing up in it! Every imperfection makes your book even more personal and meaningful to you. I have misspelled “have,” and “witch” in my book several times. Reading back on it, it is super funny, because that is just so me. I rush when writing because I am just so excited to get it down. I like that it shows a real person put energy into it, it makes it personal and displays the hard work put into it. Tbh my favorite grimoires are the messy ones. They just feel more ancient to me. The book’s main goal is to be useful, it doesn’t have to be pretty. (But there is no harm in it being pretty, if you want it to be!) 

Please note that here is no shame in a binder/unconventional grimoire/BoS! I am actually intending to transfer most of my notes into a binder! It is so useful and I can take anything out/or add anything in as time passes! Plus you can still decorate it, or even hide it if you’re a secret witch. Speaking of unconventional journals: I use my computer a ton too! I actually have some diary apps that I use as my dream journal. I know some people who use Google Docs as their Grimoires, and let me tell you, they are super easy to do and add to. Very useful

Okay, so just to show you how a real learning witches books look like, I took some pictures of my stuff, because honestly I don’t mind sharing them. :) (I did cover up some things to protect myself/others) Heres what a real, useful, and not picture perfect, Book of Shadows looks like:

My Crystal Book:

And my Book of Sigils (its a binder with card collector sleeves):

See? My journals are plain and inconspicuous because I am a secret witch. It works for me. On the inside they are riddled with notes, thoughts, and resources. My pride and joy is my Book of Sigils, because it is so organized and useful to me. On every book I have, I have a sigil on the from and back inside covers, for privacy and a non-activation of sigils-sigil. I didn’t bother showing you my Grimoire, because It is empty, since I was too scared to right in it! Don’t be like me in that aspect. Go for it! What do you have to lose? if you mess up, who cares? If you have mess ups, obviously they were meant to be made and, therefore, are perfect. So stop being so hard on yourself and get to writing. :) You’ll feel very accomplished after you finish your first page.

 Some Grimoire/BoS tips:

 If you’re too scared to write on the first page, start on the fifth page! Then later you can decide what you want on those first 5 pages. 

Leave some room for a Table of Contents. Most people say to do it at the front. I disagree. Do it at the back instead. Then when you get to the last 5 pages you can use them as a Table of Contents, and go through your book and write it at the back. This way you won’t have to worry about leaving enough room in the front for a table of contents. I learned this trick from teachers and professors in school, it has been very useful for me.

You decide what you want in your grimoire/bos. There are no rules. It is all up to you! Some people draw on some pages, some people use it as a diary, some people put personal info in theirs. My advice is you do you.

You don’t need extravagance. If you forget to add in something, put in on a sticky not on the page, or even in an envelope. There is no wrong way to style your book.

I suggest having a book marker of some sort. My journals have a ribbon attached that I can mark my page with. You could also use dividers/tabs. In my binder they have been super useful. I have even used paperclips to mark my spot. It can be extremely helpful when you’re in the middle of a spell/ritual and you need to look back on something. 

Protect your books. I use warding sigils, privacy sigils, and non-activation sigils. Those are some easy ways to protect your books. Just put them on the inside front and back covers. You can also you imagery and imagine light protecting your book, as a way to keep it safe. 

Don’t give up on your book. If you mess up, don’t immediately throw your book to the side. Just continue on. Rid yourself of that negative energy, and start fresh, even if you have to skip a few pages. I have had to do this from time to time. I know it feels like your book is ruined, but I promise that is not true. You can always continue or even fix mistakes. Don’t worry. This book is only for you, so as long as you understand it, you’re golden!

So my one request on this post is to please not steal my pictures, lol. Since it is my BoS I’d rather not have them stolen without credit. Please don’t repost, but if you have a mighty need to do it, ask me. 

Also please don’t try and argue about my info in my books lol. These are my opinions. Also I won’t tolerate any hate from people telling me I shouldn’t post my BoS. I chose to do this to show that not everyone uses aesthetics and beauty for their Grimoires/BoS. Some people just need them for their usefulness, or they just don’t have time to make them beautiful. Also I like my messy aesthetic, it is very me. :)

(The sigils I posted are all mine. The first one is one I created for myself. The other two were requested. They are under my “Love” sigils section, which is right before my “Protection” sigils. Please ignore my terrible handwriting lol)

Okay so I hoped this helped you! If you have more questions, just ask! If anyone else has any helpful information, you’re welcome to join on this post!

Here is my Ko-fi, because a witch gotta live, amiright? ;) > https://ko-fi.com/elsewherewitch

Many blessings!

[funkymbtifiction]

My Enneagram quest: Gut fix edition

It has taken me ages to be certain of my core and tritype, but I think I am finally here. Thought of sharing my own Enneagram journey with you folks, in the hopes that it might be hopeful to someone. I am going to do this as a three parter, so I can go through my discovery process in as much detail as possible.

(Note: Hermione's core is a 1w2. Mine is just a fix, to my core.)

As an Ne dom, I could easily imagine myself as every type save for 3, 8 and 9. I have always been a passionate, opinionated person who freely embraced self expression. Therefore, self - erasure of any sort was obviously out of the question, plus sloth has never been one of my principle vices. I have had boundary issues with people all my life, which my 8 fixed mother keeps pointing out to me. She says that I am far too lenient with people and that's why I "suffer". However my readiness to anger was something which still had me on the fence between 1 and 8.

As a child, I remember getting angry because some of my classmates were kicking a dog. I was so speechless with rage; I just sat down and started crying, while throwing rocks at them. Also, 8s seemed ballsy and that's something I couldn't relate to at all. Even so, I am not a moralizing sort. I don't get off on punishing people for breaking rules or telling them off. I possess no strong internal moral framework. I was still not sure. Besides, most 1 descriptions seemed so...dull and uptight I couldn't see myself in that at all. So I pegged myself as a weak 8 fixer (even though I doubted it as I have never been an active power seeker, or concerned myself with it as long as I had my autonomy). The real breakthrough came about when I posted on PersonalityCafe aka PerC. Someone commented that I was a 3 because the presentation seemed so perfect. The words if I remember correctly were "It seems crafted, and so polished". Right down to the punctuation. So formal for even a casual post on a typology forum. After much argument, I accepted it somewhat reluctantly because of my own misconceptions regarding the types. Intuitively though, I knew that it just didn't fit right. The Misidentification between 1 and 3 article on The Enneagram Institute website was spot on. It explained all the 3-ish elements of my writing style. It helped me understand the key difference between 1 and 3, in that 3 wanted it to merely look perfect while 1 had to BE perfect in order to meet high internal standards. I remembered my work self and that was definitely very much in line with 1. I thought about how my junior told me I used to be short with her about her sloppy performance when I was angry/stressed. Throughout the earlier years, I was an over achieving, perfection seeking child/person. At my job, I was fairly good at handling details (though it stressed me out awfully because of inferior Si) every now and then. I have thrown out many pieces of writing because they seemed like cold painted corpses. Perfect, beautiful and absolutely lacking in warmth. Going to therapy helped me cement the 1 fix as well.

When I was issued the psychometric assessments, I was worried about getting it wrong. Worried about the answers, WHEN THERE WERE NO WRONG ANSWERS! I asked for an extra sheet to clarify my answers, to a freaking MCQ. I didn't want the therapists to get it wrong either. I told my therapist that I discontinued the previous one because he was incompetent and useless. She asked me if I was holding her up to a certain standard as well. I'd to admit that every word and expression was being scanned internally for signs of disinterest, lack of authenticity, competence etc. Repeatedly, the therapist wrote down *Perfectionist* and *Control* in my worksheets. Finally, when she said "It is okay to not know everything. It is okay to be wrong" it is like something within me just snapped and I looked away, to hide my tears.

Something that Richard Rohr said in one of his videos particularly hit home with me. He mentioned that Ones tend to get pissed off when someone gets something they didn't work for or deserve. He said Ones are obsessed with the idea of establishing a meritocracy. Here we were, two people from different generations and cultures. Yet... I felt like he was speaking directly to my soul. It brought to mind all the times I'd bitched about nepotism and strongly advocated in favour of establishing a meritocracy.

As for figuring out the wing to my 1 fix, it was easier. There is a heat found in an angry 1w2 which is lacking in a 1w9. 1w9 tend to be more silently critical, cool and judgmental. They don't tend to forgive easily or get involved nearly as much as a 1w2. 1w2s actively place themselves in a mentoring role. They are warm, and willing to engage with people. They see the potential in people and encourage them. My writing style tends towards warmth and engaging with the reader as opposed to the cool, precise and impersonal style adopted by the 1w9. There is a mild streak of activism in me, better explained by the 1w2 rather than 1w9. However since it is my last fix, it doesn't translate into action a lot. I prefer to fix things by critiquing existing systems, reworking it to the point of serving personal effectiveness rather than actively throwing myself into any kind of activism.

Knowing one's enneagram types is never a fun process. It can be long and tedium filled. But when you come face to face with the truth, it will be worth it. For it will knock you over. Like a gut punch, you are left doubled over and breathing hard. But you can get up, and see yourself for who you are. The good bits, and the nasty bits. Accepting and integrating the two will finally lead to growth.

- ENTP Mod./ Enneagram Mod.

[maplespritz]

Zodiac Legacy Challenge - Updated for Seasons/Get Famous

As someone who is a bit of a nerd when it comes to astrology and witchcraft in general, I of course love learning about western zodiacs. So I thought I’d bring my love of the zodiac signs to the sims.

I know that a challenge with this name has been made before, however mine will be more structured for each generation. This is a 12-generation legacy, with each generation representing one of the different zodiacs.

Side note: This legacy is not meant to misrepresent or offend anyone. The generations are being based off of descriptions of the zodiacs from this website. Feel free to read up more about each zodiac to get a better sense of your sim’s personality!

Starting out:

Feel free to make your founder however you’d like. Traits for each heir will be listed in their section, but their looks are up to you so feel free to get creative! You’ll start out like a traditional legacy on one of the 50x50 lots (or 64x64 if you’d like). Here is a link to Pinstar’s legacy rules.

General Challenge Rules:

No money cheats

Mods such as MC Command Center is allowed (and encouraged) but not necessary

No mods that give you a clear advantage over people who don’t use it

CC is allowed

If you don’t complete one of the goals for the generation, you lose the challenge.

Honestly this is the only way to fail the challenge, other than not producing an heir.

Generation One: Aquarius

“Aquarius’ are shy and quiet, but on the other hand they can be eccentric and energetic. However, in both cases, they are deep thinkers and highly intellectual people who love helping others. They are able to see without prejudice, on both sides, which makes them people who can easily solve problems.”

Who ever said eccentricity was a bad thing? You are a little out there and can be pretty spacey sometimes, but overall you are very passionate about your morals and strive to make other people’s lives better. Just be careful not to become a pushover.

Traits: Self-assured, Erratic, Ambitious Aspiration: Leader of the Pack Career: Politician

Goals:

Reach level ten of the Politician career, either branch

Complete your aspiration

Have a club gathering at least once a week (your club can literally be for anything! Get creative!)

Have three kids, get married as an adult

Have at least four good friends (they don’t have to be a part of your club)

Reach level ten of the Wellness skill

Generation Two: Pisces

“Pisces are very friendly, so they often find themselves in a company of very different people. Pisces are selfless, they are always willing to help others, without hoping to get anything back.”

You love to socialize and surround yourself with all different kinds of people. Your parents loved you and raised you to be kind and perhaps a bit sensitive. You can be insecure at times, especially when it comes to your significant other. For some reason, you can’t seem to stay in a relationship for very long. Is there a way to fix this?

Traits: Creative, Jealous, Gloomy Aspiration: Soulmate Career: Painter

Goals:

Have at least two friends of a different race/gender/sexuality than your sim

Reach level ten of the Painting skill

Reach level ten of the Painter career, either branch

Must go through at least two girl/boyfriends before settling down

Have two kids

Own a pool (at least a 4x4 size)

Generation Three: Aries

“As the first sign in the zodiac, the presence of Aries always marks the beginning of something energetic and turbulent. They are continuously looking for dynamic, speed and competition, always being the first in everything - from work to social gatherings.”

You’re competitive and hard working, and can sometimes come across as a bit arrogant. However, you have a bit of an inferiority complex, so every time your sibling or a friend succeeds, you aren’t too happy about it and always try to one up them. But after a while, you realize that you acting this way is pushing away the people you care about. Can you salvage these relationships before it’s too late and the damage is done?

Traits: Hot-headed, Ambitious, Perfectionist Aspiration: Renaissance Sim Career: Secret Agent

Goals:

Be enemies with your sibling until you are both YA

Only have one friend until you are a YA, since they were the only one who stuck around

Repair your relationships as fast as possible

Reach level ten of the fitness skill

Reach level ten of the Secret Agent career (any branch)

Complete your aspiration

Go for a jog for a total of three hours each week

Have one kid

Generation Four: Taurus

“Practical and well-grounded, Taurus is the sign that harvests the fruits of labor. They feel the need to always be surrounded by love and beauty, turned to the material world and physical pleasures. Stable and conservative, this is one of the most reliable signs of the zodiac, ready to endure and stick to their choices until they reach the point of personal satisfaction.”

You grew up truly appreciating food and what it meant. You were amazed how a simple meal could bring a family together, and how many memories were made because of that. You were close to your parents and were taught to always stand your ground and share your opinions. However, this caused you to become a little bull-headed (pun intended). You’re super stubborn and don’t like to be wrong, and won’t admit that you are ever wrong. This makes romance hard for you, but you keep trying because you are a hopeless romantic at heart. And once you find that special someone, you are loyal ‘til the end.

Traits: Romantic, Foodie, Materialistic Aspiration: Mansion Baron Career: Business or Culinary

Goals:

Have a garden with ten perfect plants

Only make organic meals (using ingredients, no quick meals, no eating out)

Reach level ten of the singing skill

Have a karaoke night with your family every other week

Reach level ten of the Business/Culinary career (any branch)

Complete your aspiration

Have four kids (one set of twins, feel free to cheat for this)

use the cheat sims.get_sim_id_by_name {PlayedSimFirstName} {PlayedSimLastName} Get the pregnant Sim's ID, then use the cheat pregnancy.force_offspring_count {simID} {amount}

Reach Soulmate status with your spouse before becoming an elder

Generation Five: Gemini

“Expressive and quick-witted, Gemini represents two different personalities in one and you will never be sure which one you will face. They are sociable, communicative and ready for fun, with a tendency to suddenly get serious, thoughtful and restless. They are fascinated with the world itself, extremely curious, with a constant feeling that there is not enough time to experience everything they want to see.”

Growing up, you had the “perfect life”: two parents who loved each other, lots of friends, good grades, and a beautiful house. You were living the good life, so why did you always feel like you wanted more? You decide to take a step on your own, leaving your family behind to pursue your dreams in the big city. However, you quickly realize that life is harder than it seems. You can’t find a job you’re comfortable in, you can’t hold down a relationship, but you find solace in entertaining people and throwing parties. Something about being a host really makes you feel happy.

Traits: Noncommittal, Outgoing, Insider Aspiration: Party Animal Career: None

Goals:

Must have a twin (feel free to cheat for this)

You are the opposite of your twin, in obvious ways such as style, but also in more subtle ways such as emotions and reactions to events (for example, you could be stereotypical and make one of the twins a “preppy” person and the other an “emo” person)

Reach level ten of the charisma skill

Must move out to an apartment with the Needs TLC trait

Throw every type of party at least once

Complete your aspiration

Have three jobs (at least one week for each) before deciding to freelance

Travel to at least two community lots each week and stay there for at least an hour

Have at least level four in three different skills by the time you’re an elder

Learn all of the recipes from the vender stalls in City Living

Have one set of twins (keep trying until you get them)

Be caught cheating by your spouse (you can decide whether they stay together or not)

Generation Six: Cancer

“Deeply intuitive and sentimental, Cancer can be one of the most challenging zodiac signs to get to know. They are very emotional and sensitive, and care deeply about matters of the family and their home. Cancer is sympathetic and attached to people they keep close. Those born with their Sun in Cancer are very loyal and able to empathize with other people's pain and suffering.”

In another life you would have become a doctor, but in this one you are content with looking after your family and making sure your children grow up the best they can. You’re a loving but strict parent, and just want what’s best for your children. However, will you push them away by being too overbearing?

Traits: Gloomy, Jealous, Family-Oriented Aspiration: Super Parent Career: None

Goals:

Gen six heir must reach level five in Imagination and Communication as a toddler

Master Baking skill

Master Cooking/Gourmet Cooking skills

Host a tea party (or a small get together) every week. Invite over your neighbors, your friends, your family, whomever you’d like. Must have a baked good for the gathering made by you.

Complete your aspiration

Pick up woodworking as a hobby and craft every sculpture

You live off of your parents’ money until you get a spouse: you are to be a house wife/husband, and will never have a job. You’re allowed to sell duplicate sculptures for money, however.

Show off your sculptures by putting them on display somewhere in your house!

Pack a lunch for your kids every morning. If you forget, make them a snack when they get home.

Keep the house clean—all you have to do all day is chores, after all!

Have two kids

Both kids need to have A’s in school

Generation Seven: Leo

“People born under the sign of Leo are natural born leaders. They are dramatic, creative, self-confident, dominant and extremely difficult to resist, able to achieve anything they want to in any area of life they commit to. There is a specific strength to a Leo and their "king of the jungle" status. Leo often has many friends for they are generous and loyal. Self-confident and attractive, this is a Sun sign capable of uniting different groups of people and leading them as one towards a shared cause.”

Your parents were so overbearing to you and your sibling growing up that in your teenage years you began to rebel. Staying out late, skipping class, whatever you could think of. Your parent made sure you got good grades, but you didn’t care about school. All you cared about was the spotlight. You were going to make it big, and you didn’t need calculus to help you rock out on your guitar or make the crowds feel emotions from your acting. You’re arrogant and stubborn, but determined to succeed no matter what the cost. Unfortunately, that means that you can miss out on things that are most important in life.

Traits: Materialistic, Music Lover, Cheerful Aspiration: Musical Genius/Master Actor Career: Entertainer/Actor

Goals:

Have a one night stand with a groupie once you reach level five in your career, which leads to an unplanned pregnancy

If your heir for this generation is male, come up with some sort of reason for why you got the baby. The mother didn’t want it, the mother died in childbirth, whatever. You can even move her in until she gives birth, then they have a big fight and she walks out on them.

Reach level ten of the Entertainer/Actor career (musician branch)

Complete your aspiration

Have one kid

Never get married, but have as many relationships as you’d like

Never be that present in your child’s life; you don’t want to be overbearing like your parents

Reach level ten in two instruments (you can choose)

Licensing songs is okay to make some extra money

Master the Acting Skill

Making videos is also okay for extra money

Generation Eight: Virgo

“Virgos are always paying attention to the smallest details. Their methodical approach to life ensures that nothing is left to chance and their heart might be closed for the outer world. This is a sign often misunderstood, not because they lack the ability to express, but because they won’t accept their feelings as valid. The symbolism behind the name speaks well of their nature, born with a feeling they are experiencing everything for the first time.”

You grew up without a strong parental figure in your life, which made it hard for you to trust other people. How do you know that they would be there for you when you truly needed them? You’re cautious and shy, but curious about the world. You truly enjoy learning and collecting things, and through this passion is how you meet the love of your life. They are the only person you can trust, but they can tell you’re always holding yourself back and hiding parts of yourself away from them. Can a relationship last with this kind of distrust?

Traits: Loner, Geek, Bookworm Aspiration: The Curator Career: Scientist

Goals:

Marry a coworker who has at least one trait in common with you

Get married right before becoming an adult

Separate from your spouse for a while after a large fight (your choice if they get back together)

Reach level ten of the Scientist career

Complete your aspiration

Have a home library (at least 25 books)

Finish a collection (your choice)

Have two kids

Generation Nine: Libra

“People born under the sign of Libra are peaceful and fair, and they hate being alone. Partnership is very important for Libra-born, and with their victorious mentality and cooperation, they cannot stand to be alone. The Libra is an Air sign, with expressed intellect and a keen mind. They can be inspired by good books, insurmountable discussions and interesting people.”

You thrive on socialization. Your parents are kind of shy homebodies, but you crave constant company and cannot stand to be by yourself. This can come across as quite overbearing to some people, so sometimes it’s hard for you to make friends. And, despite being such a sociable person, you are kind of oblivious when it comes to romance. You are very childish in the best possible way, and are the kind of parent to get down in the dirt and play with your children. You are a very supportive parent and you strive to make your family as happy as they can be, through whatever means.

Traits: Unflirty, Loves the Outdoors, Goofball Aspiration: Big Happy Family Career: Social Media/Gardener

Goals:

Go on vacation to Granite Falls every other week (or once a season)

Encourage your children to do homework and practice skills

Have your children max at least one skill

Have four good friends

Be best friends with your spouse

Visit at least two community lots each week and spend four hours socializing and meet new sims

Complete Aspiration

Reach level ten of the Social Media/Gardener career (either branch)

You post a lot about your kids and about your life, so take as many pictures of your kids as you can!

Have a wall in the house filled with family photographs

Master photography skill

Master parenting skill

Master Herbalism/Gardening skill

Have two kids, and adopt one (total of three kids)

Generation Ten: Scorpio

“Scorpio-born are passionate and assertive people. They are determined and decisive, and will research until they find out the truth. Scorpio is a great leader, always aware of the situation and also features prominently in resourcefulness.”

You grew up watching true crime television shows and superhero movies and decided that’s what you wanted to do with your life: bring justice and fight evil. Unfortunately you can’t become a superhero, but you can become a police officer/detective. You want to make the world a better place than it was before, and you want your legacy to be something of legend. Hardworking and dedicated to your craft, you tend to focus too much on work and it puts a strain on your relationship.

Traits: Ambitious, Good, Genius Aspiration: Nerd Brain Career: Detective

Goals:

Get married to your high school sweetheart

Complete your aspiration

Reach level ten of the Detective career

Reach level ten of the logic skill

Reach level ten of the handiness skill

Get a divorce (you can decide who gets custody of your kids)

Get remarried as an elder, retire from your career

Have three kids

Generation Eleven: Sagittarius

“Curious and energetic, Sagittarius is one of the biggest travelers among all zodiac signs. Their open mind and philosophical view motivates them to wander around the world in search of the meaning of life.”

You love travel and learning new things. You want to experience as much as you can in your lifetime, which means meeting people different from yourself. You heard that one of your ancestors (generation five) was a big traveler too, so you decide to follow in their footsteps.

Traits: Outgoing, Noncommittal, Dance Machine Aspiration: Friend of the World or Archeology Scholar/Jungle Explorer Career: None

Goals:

Live in three different worlds for at least a week before settling down

Have kids with three different people

Never get married

Make money freelancing (collecting, gardening, painting, writing, whatever you wish! This includes the stuff that comes along with Jungle Adventure, such as archeology and treasure hunting.)

Completely redesign your house at least once (after settling down for good)

Go to every festival (unless you’re at work/on a date/at a wedding/etc)

Travel to the Nightclub every Friday

Complete aspiration

Master dancing skill

Master comedy skill

Generation Twelve: Capricorn

“Capricorn is a sign that represents time and responsibility, and its representatives are traditional and often very serious by nature. These individuals possess an inner state of independence that enables significant progress both in their personal and professional lives. They are masters of self-control and have the ability to lead the way.”

You hated how free spirited and laid back your parent was, and craved structure and discipline. Since a teen, you had a schedule every day after school: do homework, practice your skills for an hour, eat dinner, go to bed. Moving around so often meant that you didn’t make many friends, so you chose to devote all of your time to mastering as many skills as you could. But focusing in on one detail of life made you miss out on the bigger picture.

Traits: Ambitious, Snob, Mean Aspiration: Fabulously Wealthy Career: Tech Guru

Goals:

Since this is the final generation, you can choose whether to have kids or not. Preferably none.

Reach level ten of the Tech Guru career (either branch).

Master logic skill

Have at least level seven in three other skills (your choice)

Follow a schedule every day; spontaneity is not your strong suit

Get married as an adult to someone who shares at least one of your traits and is in the same career as you.

Live in an expensive house (200,000 simoleons or more) by the time you’re an adult

Surround yourself only with other snobby people

Buy an expensive item every Wednesday. (Perhaps even start a collection of expensive artwork or sculptures and showcase them somewhere in your house. Feel free to get creative with it.)

Oh wow, we’ve made it to the end of the challenge! I hope you enjoyed. Feel free to show me pictures or update me on your playthrough on this if you’d like (tumblr: lemonfraise.tumblr.com/twitter: @dainty_cherub). You can also use the hashtag #autumnalzodiac so I can see your posts and reblog some of them!

If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to tell me and I’ll take them into consideration. <3

[frivoloussuits]

Firm (Coming Soon To Theaters Near You)

In which Donna is a film star, Harvey is the best closer in Hollywood, Mike is a strange, strange child, and Rachel is Aaron Korsh.

Ships: Donna Paulsen/Rachel Zane, Mike Ross/Harvey Specter Rating: General Audiences Warnings: References to anti-LGBT discrimination Word Count: ~4.7K

For @suits100​’s 43rd prompt.

It’s a hot, hazy night in Bel Air, and Harvey Specter-- agent, dealmaker, the greatest closer in L.A., the unofficial king of Hollywood-- is circling his next conquest like a hunter on the prowl. His chosen prey is an actress whom he wouldn’t have recognized before this party, but he decided to snatch her up as soon as she walked in with that flame-red hair and tossed him a knowing, challenging smile.

“I’m Harvey Specter,” he says, reaching out a hand.

She shakes it firmly and says, “I know. I was wondering how long it’d take you to work up the courage to introduce yourself.”

For a second, his usual schmoozing smile slips into something more genuine as he replies, “I assure you I don’t lack courage. I’d be glad to let you personally confirm that other qualities of mine aren’t lacking either.”

She chuckles. “I could take you up on that offer, but I can give you something even better.”

“You’re gonna invite a friend?” he says, raising an eyebrow and smirking. “Male, female, other-- I’m very open-minded.”

“No, I’m offering you me, as a client.”

“I’m not here to talk business--”

“First off, you’re always ready to talk business-- you haven’t taken a vacation in a good five years. Second of all, you’re definitely here to talk business tonight, because Travis Tanner just landed a major client, and you want to show him up and put him in his place.” He opens his mouth, and she says, “And before you ask, no, I’m not giving up my sources.”

He snorts. “How do you know all this?”

“I know everything. Specifically, I know that Stephen Huntley, my current agent, is on his way down, and that I need to find a winner to represent me going forward. I also know that you aren’t willing to both sleep with me and work with me, not after the Dana Scott debacle, which is why I’m telling you all this now and not over breakfast tomorrow morning.”

“You know how to act?”

“Undergrad degree at Tisch and the Lee Strasberg Institute, MFA in acting from Yale.”

He blinks, and she can see him re-evaluating. “Why me?”

“Because we’re both damn good at what we do and hungry for success. And because your former boss is directing one of the most interesting films I’ve heard of in my life, and I want an audition.”

“I’m not sending Jessica anyone but the best.”

“Good thing you’re sending me. And oh, I should introduce myself. I'm Donna.”

If Donna wasn’t as good as she was, she’d be alarmed at how quickly Harvey signs her upon looking into her previous work. But she is that sublimely, divinely good, and Jessica Pearson casts her in her period drama Firm soon afterwards. She’s in one of the starring roles, naturally.

By the sheer power of being Jessica Pearson, Jessica ties up funding, finishes hiring, and moves to the production stage surprisingly quickly, and Donna finds herself filming on location within weeks.

“Hi, I’m Rachel Zane, I’ll be showing you both around the mansion.”

Donna glances at one of the supporting actors, Michael Ross, a young man with golden hair and unfairly blue eyes, and momentarily rues the fact that her make-out scene’s with an entirely different actor.

“Wow,” Mike immediately replies to Rachel, “you’re pretty.”

Donna raises an eyebrow at him, but she also sneaks another look at Rachel. He’s not wrong. At all.

“Good,” Rachel says with a passive-aggressive smile that even Donna has to envy, “you’ve hit on me. We can get it out of the way that I am not interested.”

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t hitting on you--”

“Trust me, I’ve met dozens of up-and-coming actors and, without fail, whatever new hotshot it is thinks that, because I’m just an assistant, I will somehow be blown away by his dazzling smile, let me assure you I won’t. I don’t swing that way in the slightest.”

And then Donna looks back at Mike, who’s currently undergoing a revelation. “I was.”

“Mm-hmm,” Rachel says, sweet as syrup.

“I was hitting on you.”

“You were,” she coos like a particularly proud preschool teacher. “Now let’s go on with the tour.”

Scratch that. Rachel’s definitely the one Donna wants a make-out scene with.

Donna doesn’t appear in the first scene they shoot, so she stays in her dressing room, re-reading her lines, taking notes in her script. She hears a knock on the door.

“Come in!”

It’s Rachel, with a folder tucked under her arm. “Sorry to bother you, but Jessica just obtained some letters from the Archives of American Art that might help inform your choices in the teapot scene.”

“Wow, where does she find the time?”

Rachel smiles, tucking a wayward curl behind her ear. “Well, to be more precise, she told me to obtain them, and that’s exactly what I did.”

“You like research?”

She shrugs. “I’m very good at it, even if it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life.”

Before Donna can reply, a message comes through on their walkie-talkies: “Rachel, what’s your 20?”

“By the dressing rooms, I’ll be back up in two minutes,” she says before looking back at Donna. “Sorry, I gotta--”

“Yeah, go do what you need to do.”

“I’ll see you around.”

As she watches Rachel stroll away, Donna murmurs, “I’m looking forward to it.”

They dance around each other in one late-night research session after another. Finally, Donna asks Rachel out.

With a teasing smile, she says, “I was wondering how long it’d take you to finally make your move.”

“I knew you were wondering.”

“Did you know I already decided on my my answer?”

“Of course, and I wouldn’t have asked unless it was an enthusiastic yes.”

Once they finish shooting on-location, they head back to L.A. Donna lingers around the set one night after filming, reviewing the next day’s scenes. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Mike leaving his dressing room.

“You need help running lines?” As he passes behind her, he peers over her shoulder at her script. “I’ve got that scene memorized--”

“No, I’m fine,” she says. Then she catches the kicked-puppy look on his face and explains, “I have to go meet Rachel in a couple minutes anyway.”

“What are you doing?” he asks.

Donna considers telling him they’ll be doing something work-related, but she opts for honesty. “She insists Shunji has the best sushi in SoCal, so we’re going to go try it out.”

“Yeah, Shunji’s awesome. The omakase sets are upwards of a hundred dollars each, but so worth it.”

Donna raises an eyebrow. “Sounds good. She’s quite the foodie, so I’m excited to explore L.A. with her.”

“Hang on, is this-- is this a date?”

“Yeah, it is.”

She expects those innocent baby blues to fill with tears, but instead he grins broadly. “Hey, that’s great. You two enjoy your sushi, and I’m just gonna . . . go sleep.”

“Right.”

“At my apartment.”

“. . . Right.”

Mike hesitates for a second, then does an awkward finger-gun snap and stumbles away.

“Mike is such a strange child,” Donna says as she relates the whole scene to Rachel over sushi. “I don’t know how he functions!”

“My question is how he affords a omakase set. He doesn’t get steady work, to the best of my knowledge, and it’s even hard for me to buy this without falling back on Daddy’s credit card.” Rachel rolls her eyes.

“You’re an independent woman, huh?”

“That’s the aim,” she says. “It’s not always feasible, but I’m attempting to establish myself without relying on the name of ‘Robert Zane, famous producer.’”

“Speaking of establishing yourself . . . you never did tell me what you wanted to spend the rest of your life doing, if not research.”

Rachel chuckles, suddenly bashful. “It’s a little silly.”

“When I was younger, I wanted to grow up to be Joan Holloway. Try me.”

“Well, I’m a writer.” She pauses.

“And?”

“See, that was the jump scare, and this is the part where you run screaming.”

“I’m an actress, darling, it takes more than that to get rid of me. What do you write?”

“I’m interested in film in the long term, but right now I’m working on an idea for a TV show.”

“What kind of TV show?”

“A legal drama? It’s not a procedural exactly, or at least I don’t want it to be. It’s about these two characters, Jim and Reg, and Jim is a pothead but also a secret genius and Reg is a shark in the world of New York corporate law, and he decides to hire Jim as an associate-- that’s a junior lawyer-- except Jim doesn’t have an actual degree and-- oh god, I never explain this well.” She sinks her face into her hands.

“It sounds interesting,” Donna says with an encouraging smile.

“It doesn’t sound half as good as it is. I never know how to present it right.”

“Do you have any of it written?”

“I have a treatment, plus a pilot and detailed notes for the next three episodes, but I am not showing those to anyone in their current state.”

“All right, I’ll let you wiggle out of giving me details,” Donna says, “for now.”

Filming wraps up a few weeks later. Harvey immediately has Donna out doing auditions while Rachel stays with the project, helping Jessica with post-production. Still, the two women spend every possible night together.

“Ugh,” Rachel says, letting herself into Donna’s apartment one Friday night and collapsing immediately on her couch. “I’ve watched that damn teapot scene fifty times in the past eight hours.”

“Why?” Donna asks, pecking Rachel’s cheek and then taking a seat on the nearby ottoman.

“Jessica’s a worse perfectionist than I am, and so she is trying every possible combination of shots. If you weren’t in that scene, I would have put my fist through the screen by now.”

“Aww.”

“I’m serious! God knows I love everything about this film, even now, but I think your acting might be my favorite part.”

“Speaking of which--” Donna nudges Rachel’s leg with her foot-- “do you by any chance want to go out for drinks?”

“Maybe. Is there a particular reason?”

“Well, alcohol might help you scrub the teapot scene from memory, though after fifty iterations that may no longer be possible . . . And also, I got cast today in that new Hamlet film.”

Rachel bolts upright. “What part?”

Ever so casually, she shrugs and says, “Ophelia.”

And then Rachel is leaping onto her, and they’re both squealing at the top of their lungs.

Less than an hour later, they’ve zipped one another into two of Donna’s fanciest cocktail dresses and headed to a bar.

“All right, we’re going to celebrate in grand fashion--” Donna begins.

“Without paying a dime.”

“Wait, how?”

“You’re the actress, you’ll catch on.”

And Donna watches Rachel swagger up to some guy, flash him her sexiest smile, and say, “Hi, I’m Michelle Ross.”

“I’m . . . Harriet Specter. The best goddamn closer this city has ever seen.”

“I’m the smartest paralegal on this coast.”

“I’m a COO who regularly rescues multi-billion dollar deals.”

“I’m a professional food critic.”

“I run an artificial intelligence start-up up in SF. VCs love me.”

For all Donna’s improvisational skill, Rachel undoubtedly wins the most free drinks. She stumbles back into Donna’s apartment far past tipsy and then throws her arms around her girlfriend, leaning in for a kiss.

“Hey, no--” Donna pushes her back-- “I’m not taking advantage of you in this state.”

“What if I want you to take advantage of me?” she slurs.

Donna raises an eyebrow. “You really want that, huh?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“How about you show me your pilot?”

“Pilot?” she titters. “I don’t even have a plane yet.”

“Not that kind of pilot,” Donna laughs. “I mean the Jim-and-Reg pilot.”

“Ohhhh. Yeah. Yeah, it’s on my laptop.”

“Can we go look at it?”

“Sure!”

Donna maneuvers them over to the couch, and Rachel clumsily pulls her laptop from her bag and opens it, all the while muttering about how she’s going to get herself a jet one of these days, just you wait.

“Here,” she says, clicking on a file named ‘Law Dorks’ with a flourish. “Here is the meaning of life.”

“Go to sleep, Rachel.”

Rachel hums and burrows in her shoulder, mumbling, “Comfy.”

And when she nods off less than a minute later, Donna places a kiss on the top of her head and then starts reading.

“Oh, my god.”

Rachel awakes with a shudder on the couch, under the blankets Donna carefully draped over her.

“Oh, my god. Donna! Did you read it?”

“I read it--”

“Oh god, you hated it, didn’t you? Please, ugh, it wasn’t ready, I’m still working out the pacing, and there’s so many plot holes I have to fix--”

“And I loved it.”

Rachel stops mid-sentence. “What?”

“I want to hug Jim. I want to be Roberta. I want to worship at Katherine’s feet, and I really want to see Reg naked.”

“What about Elizabeth?”

“Well, since she’s clearly just an adorable baby lawyer version of you, I want to cuddle with her on the couch--” Donna flops down and nuzzles Rachel’s neck-- “and then smack her upside the head for not already being a Harvard lawyer, or, in real life, not already turning this genius of a story into an actual show.”

“Ow!” Rachel yelps as Donna really smacks her upside the head.

“Seriously, what’s the hold-up? You don’t need any LSATs to shop this script around, and god knows you have enough connections. Jessica alone would be able to put you in touch with people, and when you account for all your previous jobs and also the fact that you know me--”

“I don’t know how to pitch it,” Rachel blurts. “I don’t have a hook, I don’t have a good summary, I don’t even have a title at this point--”

“Two lawyers, one degree.”

Her eyes widen. “There’s my hook.”

“Mm-hmm. And one more question-- are you aware of the sexual tension and possible burgeoning love between your two leads?”

“Aware?” Rachel scoffs. “Donna, if I get to keep even the slightest bit of control-- and I will, because no network is going to push me around on this-- those two are ending up married.”

“Perfect. Now run with the hook, get this story out there and go take over the world.”

“On it!” She snatches up her laptop and bag and scampers out of the apartment.

“And when you end up tackily rich I get to share your jet,” Donna calls after her.

Rachel turns terribly secretive about her progress with the show, and Donna doesn't pry-- not directly, anyway. Soon, she gets swept up by the buzz around her own accomplishments. From the first reviews, Firm is a hit with critics, and they rave over her performance in particular. She knew they would, but still there’s something downright magical about looking at an article and seeing her name in the same sentence as the words “Oscar buzz.”

Due to the timing of the film’s release, Firm misses the deadline for the Golden Globes, but other nominations and awards start filtering in, along with interview requests. The reporters ask Donna about her love life, and she plays coy, sending them all off with different and increasingly implausible stories until they know not to even bother.

She spends long stretches of time off filming Hamlet in Scandinavia, so fortunately she avoids the worst of the paparazzi harassment. Still, there’s definitely someone camped out across the road from her house when she comes back to L.A.

“I don’t think we should meet at my place,” she says, calling Rachel up on Skype. “I’m being low-key stalked.”

“I don’t care if the paps see me,” Rachel replies. “If they realize we’re a couple, hey, I’ll just spin it into publicity for the show!”

“Lemonade outta lemons.” Donna grins before turning serious again. “But seriously . . . I don’t know if I want to come out yet, publicly.”

Something shifts in Rachel’s expression. “Wait, what?”

“Maybe you’ve been sheltered because you’ve grown up in Hollywood, and California cities are just generally good about these things, but . . . It’s not like that everywhere. And I don’t want to rock the boat for the film during awards season.”

“Jessica wouldn’t care. Hell, she’d try and spin it as good publicity too--”

“And what if she can’t?” Donna interrupts. “It’s not fair to her to throw that kind of bombshell out there, not before the Oscars.”

“Then what about after the Oscars?”

“I-- I don’t know.”

“So, what?” Rachel snaps. “You just want us to spend the rest of our lives sneaking around and having dates on Skype?”

“Rachel--”

“I’m going to talk to to you later, but I need a little time for myself right now.”

She disconnects.

Actress in a Leading Role.

There she is on the Academy Award nominations list. There’s Donna Paulsen, right between Jennifer Lawrence and Meryl Streep.

But Rachel’s “little time” has stretched into weeks, and so it doesn’t feel quite like a victory.

The day before the Oscars, there’s a knock on her door.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Can I come in?”

Donna steps aside and lets Rachel into her apartment. She’s dressed professionally, with a briefcase in one hand and a file in the other.

“In case you’re worried,” she says as soon as Donna shuts the door, “I’ve been meeting with everyone from Firm who’s going to the Oscars to go over some simple red carpet do’s and don’ts, so nobody’s going to read too much into this. I just came from Jessica’s place, and I’m heading over to Mike right after this.”

“To his house?”

“No,” Rachel frowns, “he wants to meet at Hot Dog on a Stick.”

Simultaneously, they whisper “strange child,” before falling silent.

“How have you been?” Rachel asks with a soft smile.

“I don’t know,” Donna answers, frowning. “Everything’s good, everything’s bad, it’s all a bit overwhelming right now.”

“I’m sorry for dropping off the face of the planet like that,” Rachel replies. “You just took me by surprise that day, because I forget sometimes how much the world sucks.”

“And that’s what I like about you, you know that?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re a silly, pessimistic worrywart on the small scale, but when there’s a big problem, you are the bravest woman I know. You just march right in with your head held high, and you ignore anybody who would dare stand in your way.”

“That’s . . . really sweet. And I agree, I am somewhat brash when someone tells me I can’t be who I am or have something I want, which is why I didn’t want to talk to you until I figured things out--”

“Rachel--”

“Wait, let me finish.” She inhales deeply. “My parents raised me to be an open person. I don’t try to hide who I am, or what I believe, or who I love-- none of it. And yet you’re asking me to hide us from the rest of the world, and I understand why you’re doing it, but it goes against the core of who I am. Do you understand that?”

“I do.”

“And I’ll do it.”

“What?”

“You’re asking me to defraud the whole world, and I’ll do it. For you. Because I happen to be in love you, and I know you love me too.”

Her eyes go wide. “I do.”

“I know.”

Donna swallows hard. “This isn’t fair to you, is it?”

“All’s fair in love and business.” She shrugs, trying to act casual, and continues, “Anyway, we have actual work. I gotta get you all ready for tomorrow. Do you have an acceptance speech drafted?”

Donna rolls her eyes. “Why would I? It's not like I’m going to win.”

“And the award goes to . . . Donna Paulsen.”

“Wait, what?” Donna blinks and turns to her mother, her plus-one for the night. “What just happened?”

“You just won,” her mother says, beaming back at her.

“Wait, what?”

As she goes up to the podium, she focuses on not tripping over her gown and also on adjusting herself to the new world order. Because really, she’s more than a queen tonight-- she is a goddess. She can do whatever the hell she wants.

Can’t she?

“I don’t have note cards, or any notes at all, because according to the gambling sites there was a 5.78% chance I would be up here tonight. If I forget someone and thus lose a lifelong friendship, I’m suing said sites for emotional damages,” she jokes, and the audience gives a warm laugh. “First of all, thank you to the Academy, and to the cast and crew of Firm-- Jessica, congratulations on your Best Director award, may it be the first of many. I also have to thank Harvey Specter, my agent, for actually being as good as he says he is-- not an easy task--” thanks to his reputation in this town, that gets another laugh-- “and to the other nominees, all of whom inspire me everyday . . .”

She ticks off all the typical boxes of an Oscars speech, and it’s not hard-- she’s been watching them since before she could read. People start zoning out, she knows, and she keeps her cool and plods along all the way to the end--

“Thank you to my parents for not forcing me into a so-called ‘sensible career.’ And thank you most of all to the person who held my hand and taught me about this character and this world, who ran lines with me, who held me after the teapot scene sent me into a nervous breakdown-- the woman I love, Rachel Zane. Thank you all, and have a good night!”

The room is silent for a moment, and then she gets a standing ovation.

“So tell me,” Donna strolls up to the bar at a particularly exclusive Oscars afterparty, “how screwed is my career?”

Harvey turns to her, one eyebrow raised. “Why would your career be screwed?”

She raises an eyebrow of her own. “Because I just came out on the largest stage in what is still an intensely discriminatory industry?”

“The fact that you picked the biggest stage works in your favor-- this town can’t resist high drama.”

“Harvey.”

“Okay--” he takes a sip from his scotch-- “let me ask you a question. How could your career possibly be screwed, when you just won Best Actress, your film would have won Best Picture if things were even a little less rigged, and your agent is even better than he says he is?”

She resists the urge to roll her eyes.

“Here’s my advice. Just give some thoughtful interviews, don’t make broad statements you don’t mean, and stay the hell off Twitter for a few weeks. I’ll handle the rest. Even if offers slow down in film-- which I highly doubt-- you’ve got options elsewhere.”

“What’s worth doing elsewhere?”

“TV, Netflix--”

“Broadway?” she says hopefully.

He shrugs. “I wouldn’t count it out.”

Donna grins at that. “Hey, how’d you get in here anyway? Whose plus-one are you?”

He looks at her in mock-offense. “Excuse me? I can get into any after-party in the city on the strength of the Specter brand--”

“He’s here because I brought him.”

Donna turns with a start and finds Mike behind her, smirking.

“Firstly, congrats to you and Rachel, and remember not to feed the internet trolls unless you’re trolling them back. And there will be trolls. That said, I personally welcome you as Hollywood’s bisexual overlord.”

“What am I,” Harvey protests, “chopped liver?”

“Secondly--” Mike barrels on as if he didn’t hear-- “congrats on taking home a naked man.” He reaches out to stroke the golden statuette in the crook of Donna’s arm. “Still not as pretty as mine, but you’ll make do.”

“Kid, you have to stop calling me ‘pretty,’” Harvey sighs, shaking his head.

“I call him all sorts of things, and he loves it,” Mike mutters in conspiratorial fashion to Donna. She just stares as he leans in, plants a kiss on Harvey’s cheek, and says, “See you around, babe. I got networking to do, just like you taught me.”

“Just like I taught you?”

“Okay, maybe not just like you taught me, I don’t really want to deal with sexual harassment suits . . .”

“Get out,” Harvey commands with a wave of hand, but Donna notes the clear fondness in his expression. He turns to see her gaping at him. “What?”

“On the one hand, I now understand how he affords the omakase set. On the other hand, on what planet are you two dating?”

Harvey frowns. “What, am I not good enough for him?”

“What-- what? No, I’m thinking the other way around.”

His eyes widen, and then he bursts into chuckles. “Oh, Jesus, he’s trying not to scare the mundanes again.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’d say he’s a modern-day Einstein, but that doesn’t actually do Mike’s brain justice. Once he reads something, he understands it. Once he understands something, he never forgets it. He plays the genius angle down because it freaks people out, but I think he overdoes the act sometimes.”

“Wait, he has a perfect memory?”

“Yep,” Harvey says, smiling into his scotch.

“Oh, my god, that’s just like--”

“Hey, Rachel’s here,” he says, and Donna halts mid-sentence and whirls around to look.

Rachel’s standing at the entrance of the room, downright stunning in an all-black gown-- it’d never play on the red carpet, but here in this dark, crowded club she takes Donna’s breath away.

“Harvey.” She nods to him as she strides forward.

“Rachel, good to see you. I’ll give you two some space,” Harvey says before slipping away.

Donna can feel all the other eyes in the room on them, but she doesn’t care, not when Rachel is beaming at her, throwing her arms around her, kissing her and then pulling her close. “You’re the bravest woman I know, you know that?”

“I did it for you. It wasn’t fair to make you hide.”

“And I am so proud of you for that. And also for winning an Oscar. You know, that’s kinda cool too,” she chuckles.

“From what I hear, you’ll be up for awards next.”

They share a look.

“Donna, how did you know?”

“I know everything. Seriously, did you think your show could get picked up for a pilot without my knowledge?”

“I obviously should have known better,” Rachel laughs. “Anyway, I’ve gotta figure out casting now, and I have the worst idea, and I need your help to make it a reality.”

“What role are we talking about?”

“Reg.”

“Who do you have in mind?”

“Harvey.”

“Not the strangest thing I’ve heard all day, and that says a lot about today.”

“Bear with me-- because of my dad’s work, I saw Harvey all the time growing up, and I definitely patterned a lot of Reg’s personality off of him.”

“But Harvey isn’t an actor--”

“But he was once! All through his childhood he was trying to break into the industry, and he did actually make it when he was in college, his senior year. He got cast in nothing less than a Bond movie.”

“Why didn’t I know about this?” Donna exclaims.

“He broke his shoulder right before shooting, got replaced, and never got another role. Then he went off to Harvard Business-- so he could control casting for a change, I guess. But I dug up his old audition tapes, and he was incredible. I can’t believe he’s given up on acting entirely, even now.”

Donna thinks about it for a moment. “He does sometimes treat his life as a role.”

“Yeah, I don’t know if he’s shown a genuine expression in the past decade.”

She barks out a laugh before saying, “You’d be surprised. His boyfriend gets a surprising amount of honest caring out of him.”

“He’s in a relationship?”

“With an actor, who incidentally might have an eidetic memory like Jim and definitely has a hell of a lot of chemistry with Harvey.”

“Oh my god, who?”

“Mike Ross.”

Rachel’s jaw drops. “Our strange child?”

“Our strange child’s all grown up, and potentially a great cast opposite Harvey’s Reg.”

“Well, then, please excuse me for being busy on your special night, but I’ve got to go talk to Harvey.”

“Oh, I’m coming with you. I’ve had practice persuading him to do ridiculous things, and also I fully intend to give you all the support that you’re willing to take.”

“Marvelous,” she says, pressing one more kiss to Donna’s mouth. Then she takes her by the hand and leads her over to the table Harvey’s claimed. “Let’s find ourselves ‘the best closer in New York.’”

“Hey,” Donna asks before they quite pounce on their victim, “what’d you end up calling the show?”

“’A Legal Mind.’”

“That’s funny-- ‘a legal,’ ‘illegal,’” Donna muses. “But still, I feel like we can do better than that.”

A/N: In this AU, writers post fanfic where Jim and Reg are actors playing characters named Patrick and Gabriel.

[soundonreadings]

Sound On InstaReadings Series Volume 2 with John Elizabeth Stintzi & Kyla Jamieson

Welcome to Sound on InstaReadings Series. Our second installment features readers John Elizabeth Stintzi and Kyla Jamieson and is hosted by Dina Del Bucchia. Posted here for your enjoyment are the bios of our fine readers and the text of their readings. Thanks!

John Elizabeth Stintzi is the recipient of the 2019 RBC Bronwen Wallace Award for Emerging Writers, and their work has appeared in the Malahat Review, the Fiddlehead, Kenyon Review, and Ploughshares. They are the author of the novel Vanishing Monuments as well as the poetry collection Junebat.

Excerpt from John Elizabeth Stintzi’s VANISHING MONUMENTS (for SOUND ON, April 24):

The concrete path, the door, the hallway. The house. I remember Mother stuffing me into down jackets and snow boots, hobbling me into the thick snow pants she’d bought for me at the thrift store.

“I bought it big like this because you will grow,” Mother said when she first pulled them up my legs as I sat braced on the stairs.

It was late October, which back then meant there was already a foot of snow in Winnipeg, and the rivers were frozen. It was morning. I don’t know where we were going. She’d bought me the pants with a too-big jacket because I’d outgrown the one-piece snowsuit I’d used for the last few years. I must have been around eight or nine. She rolled up the legs, took an open safety pin from between her lips, and started pinning up the rolls of extra length.

“If you buy big clothes, your body will know to grow into them. Do you want to be big one day, Alani? Like me.”

I don’t remember answering, but I must have, because that was back when Mother and I still responded to each other. My mind doesn’t usually decide to remind me of us speaking. Instead, I remember thinking about my body getting larger, as she pinned the legs, and how hopeful that made me. I wanted there to be more room for all of me, I wanted my body to feel as bare and roomy as our house did, like I could fit everything in. When I was in kindergarten, because it was too cold to have recess outside, our teacher brought out the projector to show us a documentary about hermit crabs. I couldn’t understand what the voice-over was saying because of its speed and accent, so I just watched the crabs switching shells and started to think that’s what life is like: you live as long as you can in one body, then once you can’t fit into it anymore, you move to a new one. And someone smaller takes your place.

For a while, I didn’t understand what growing up looked like, didn’t know how it worked. For a few years after Ilsa died and gave Mother the house in her will, Mother helped other elderly people in the neighbourhood keep up their lives in their own homes. Over the years of looking after Ilsa and me, she had perfected her technique of caring for fragile bodies.

Before I was in school, or during the summer, I went along with her in the mornings and wandered around the old person’s house while Mother was in another room, helping them get out of bed, bathe, eat, or take their medicine. I spent most of the time there either avoiding their mean old pets or walking around their living rooms, their hall- ways, looking at the family pictures on the walls. I remember looking through those photos for the old, frail things that Mother cared for and never once finding them.

I never thought that they could’ve been the result of one of the young bodies in those photos. After a certain age they stopped being documented, or else the newer photos were never hung. Mother hadn’t ever taught me about aging, about time’s effect on a body. I’d never seen a picture of myself as a baby; I don’t know that I’d ever seen a picture of myself at all back then. I thought that everything was inside me, that as far back as I could remember was as far back as I ever was. I assumed the people in the photos, in different stages of their lives, were each a different person. I thought I was going to be myself—a child—forever.

Nobody told me that I’d already been things that I didn’t remember, that as far back as I could recall was not the start of me, and that my life would consist of slowly leaving myself behind. I hadn’t yet realized that I didn’t remember anything about the year or two we still lived in Germany. All I’d known was that whenever I looked at myself in the mirror, there I was. Back then, with that mindset, things seemed stable.

“What does it mean being big?” I asked, as Mother took my hands and pulled me to my feet at the bottom of the stairs. She tugged at the pants, put her eye close to the floor—her tied-back hair flopping onto the hardwood—to squint and yank at the pinned legs. By then, I knew people grew, that there was no escaping the body I was in. “Why do I want to do it?”

She sat up—the memory is tack sharp—finished adjusting one of the straps of the snow pants, pulled back a little, and looked me straight in the eyes. Her face was so close to mine. I can remember the smell of her shampoo, the weight of the snow pants hanging on my shoulders, her hands grazing down along them on their way to brace her against the floor with that swooshing sound of scraped polyester. I remember everything about that moment, everything but her mouth. I want to remember her smiling, but I can’t see it. I can’t see her mouth or the inflection that the words came out with.

“Because it is going to happen, Alani. Getting big. You should be welcoming and excited for things that are going to happen.”

* Kyla Jamieson is a disabled writer who lives and relies on the unceded traditional territories of the Musqueam, Squamish, and Tsleil-Waututh Nations. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in Room Magazine, Poetry Is Dead, Arc Poetry Magazine, Vallum, Peach Mag, Plenitude, GUTS, and The Account. She is the author of Kind of Animal (Rahila’s Ghost Press), a poetry chapbook about the aftermath of a brain injury. Her work was longlisted for the 2019 CBC Poetry Prize and her first book-length collection of poems, Body Count (Nightwood Editions), placed third in the Metatron Prize for Rising Authors. Find Kyla on Instagram as @airymeantime or at www.kylajamieson.com. 

BODY COUNT like every intelligent (traumatized) woman full of self-hate (shame) I have always been a perfectionist / before I wanted to be pretty I wanted to be on time / most improved most present best /my high school history teacher emphasized obedience / everyone I talk to remembers him fondly idk why / I researched the rape of nanjing / my paper was a failure / nobody really knew how many people died there / I couldn’t establish the simplest facts / it was hopeless / I forgot I asked for an apology from the prof people say I got fired like that’s what I wanted & not his respect / can writing be healing without inviting mockery? / according to google george orwell said journalism is what somebody doesn’t want printed & everything else is just pr / lately I worry the poetry I like is just pr / I wonder about the carbon emissions of a body’s decomposition / like is killing yourself better for the planet / anorexia runs in my family / studies associate it with trauma & perfectionism / I used to think I could trade obedience for safety / I rewrote my paper on gallipoli / I got an a / white history is easy / internment is only two letters from internet / that’s where I read they put us in horse stalls / my great-grandfather said I have three boys & we’re all willing to work / they were sent to a farm instead of a camp / fyi japanese soldiers raped nanjing / fyi it doesn’t matter how perfect you are / tl;dr I tried to be perfect for a long time & it didn’t keep me safe / today I went in the shower & shaved for so long my calluses fell off / I don’t like what this might be seen as saying about my politics like maybe I’m secretly as misogynistic as that man who’s in love with his sex doll as well as his sex doll side piece / but it made me feel so clean

I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THE FUTURE SINCE MY ONLY LIMITS ARE IMAGINED

there is artificial grass here but that’s not what i’ve been smoking like all great millennial visionaries i am caving under the weight of my ambitions my grandma says life is a gimmick i google virgin-whore dichotomy plus intellectual how to define evil without capitalism what even is normal how valuable optometrists will be during the apocalypse i am not ready for the unending applause at that one point in trump’s address to congress was gruesome when will i see you again

 EXCEPTING MY INFIRMITIES

concussed I land bed & sleep my belly is hot like heat I wear my fingernails are getting along the smiley face’s mouth corners drip condensation I dream of rivers & apocalypse opium in the dark & fear silverfish I want to write a chopped book in series voice jess sends smiling pile of poo I say to you little brother I can go to america on the internet

WBU?

I’m on Bumble & people are asking what I do for fun. How to explain no free will for a year, each day shaped by however pain appeared that morning?

I NEED A POEM

Can we talk about the moon tonight? Low & full in the baby-blue sky. A friend at my door, the sound of her laugh & well-loved heart. I want to be held up like that. I need a poem about happiness I haven’t written yet, an ode to the ducks in my neighbours’ pool, another for the pink magnolias of spring—some trees make it look so easy: yes, I can hold all this beauty up.

[aperfectsong]

Can’t Speak With These Words On My Tongue (SL with @BluesAndSorrow)

Wes: -I’d made a point to carve out some time to go and see my Rose and Cardinal at the shop today in my schedule. It had been far too busy at the studio for my liking. There were a few new artists coming in and work on their albums had been split up between us. Now that I wasn’t working with Rose on her album, I didn’t see as much of her as I’d like, and the baby was going to be coming soon, so I knew that Cardinal was going to be occupied with that. If I could get out of here and visit them during the day, then it was definitely something I was going to do.

But my secretary had called me back into the office saying that Rose was there waiting on me. I hadn’t been gone long. I hadn’t even gotten to the doors that led out of the building before my phone had gone off. I had no idea why Lindsay was in the building, but it worried me a little. I panicked slightly and instead of waiting for the elevators, I headed straight for the stairs and took them two at a time, until I was a little out of breath by the time I reached the floor where my office was. I didn’t stop to take a break though. I was heading straight for my office door to make sure she was alright before I felt comfortable with catching my breath.

She was there waiting for me just inside the door when I arrived, though the look on her face didn’t tell me if my worries were founded or not-

Is everything alright, Rose?

-I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead, just glad to see her and happy that she wasn’t having a panic attack or a melt down. I could cross that off my list of worries. I was a worrier by nature and anything unexpected set off my internal circuits until I could settle that everything alright. My gut reactions were much worse when things came to Rose.-

Lindsay: ^I could only smile as Sir pressed his lips to my head. It was something both he and Daddy Baines did when they wanted to make sure I knew I was cherished. And it made me feel that way. But I needed to remember that this wasn’t just a visit. This was something I truly needed to talk with him about.

This wasn’t about Sir and Rose. This was about Mr Francis and Miss Evans. I had to be the recording artist in the moment. I had to remind myself that this wasn’t about being in love with the man in front of me. It was about my career.^ I got a phone call requesting my presence with the executives this morning. And I got the surprise of my life when I walked in and heard them listening to my album. I guess you’re done work with it, Mr Francis?

^I could only raise a brow with a smile as he moved to sit behind his desk. The moment I said Mr Francis and not Sir, he had been clued in that this was purely about work. I had absolutely wished it was pleasure, but I needed to be serious. I needed to focus on what had been asked of me.^ They tried to tell me that I needed to see if I could record without you. I’m pretty sure they forgot what happened last time I tried to do that. That or they never heard about it. And then I informed them of Happiness Is A Warm Gun. I asked them if they were willing to part with that kind of money for me to record one song. I don’t think they were pleased to hear about that minor incident.

Wes: -Happiness Is A Warm Gun. That song had been one that I thought we were never going to finish. The perfectionist in Lindsay was loud and strong during that incident, and it had been an expensive endeavor for the studio. Anyone who was less successful than Lindsay had been wouldn’t have been able to pull that off with any studio. As it was, they had been less than happy about all of it.

What I was less than happy about was the fact that they’d wanted her to record with another producer. I had taken over the production on the album after the day she’d shut down in the studio working with someone else. It was something she could have if she wanted, but the both of us knew how it was going to end, even if I’d done a good job making sure that the executives with offices on the floor above mine hadn’t heard about her panic attack that day. We were both new here, and I hadn’t wanted her paying too steep a price for that incident. The truth was, I wasn’t going to stay at the studio without her, and she wasn’t going to stay here without me. If they lost one of us, they lost us both, and I didn’t think they were ready to do that to either of us at the moment.

But there were always surprises in stock when it came to recording studios, like the one she’d just informed me about. I wasn’t surprised they’d wanted her to collaborate with anyone else. I wasn’t always the most popular with the artists who came through the studio, but I got good work out of them. There were a few who insisted on working with me, and the newer artists usually got assigned to me because I could be demanding enough to get their best performance out with less time in the studio. I just had no idea who they might have wanted her to record with.-

And I’m assuming you told them no. I’ll make sure they understand that you working with another producer isn’t an option. Was there a reason they wanted you to try?

-I raised an eyebrow, toying with the silver pen that sat on the top of my desk though I kept my eyes trained on Lindsay as I waited for an answer. It worried me a little that they might be thinking that I wasn’t getting the best out of her as an artist, but I wasn’t going to say that out loud until I understood the discussion that had gone along with it all.-

Lindsay: Of course I told them no. The only producer I record with is Wesley Francis. It’s been that way since I was nineteen years old. And we’ve seen what happens when I try to do it another way.

^Shaking my head, I gave Sir a smile. It was rare he got to see this side of my personality. It was absolutely reserved for when I was his artist and not his Rose. There was a bit more sass that I normally dealt out, but he knew it was because I take my job seriously. I was always going to do the best thing for my career.^

They signed a new blues artist. He actually requested to record with me. The executives seem to think it’s a great idea. That was why they wanted me to record with another producer. But again, I reminded them that we were a packaged deal. And I may have let them know we’re in a relationship. I couldn’t hide it. I didn’t want to hide it. But they told me that if I wanted to sing with him and have you produce the track, I had to talk to you about it. They said they’d talk to Aaron about working with you.

^Relaxing back into my chair, I let my eyes fall on the man in front of me. I could tell he was a little afraid of what was going on. But he had to have known that above all else, he was the most important thing to me.^ If you can make time, would you be willing to produce a track for Aaron Bennett with me as a featured artist, Mr Francis?

Wes: -If the executives here hadn’t figured out by now that we were in a relationship then they were blinder than I ever believed possible, even if we weren’t open about it. We spent a lot of time together, and when she was here in the studio, I didn’t stop myself from being openly affectionate with her. I wouldn’t have been capable of it if I’d tried. It honestly made no difference as long as the two of us did our jobs.

As far as producing a track with Aaron Bennett, that wasn’t going to be much of a hardship. He didn’t have an assigned producer here at the studio yet. He hadn’t even come in to start his recording. His contract was only signed a few days ago, and I’d had no idea that he was going to make a request to have Lindsay on his album.-

That won’t be a problem at all. I can easily fit that into the schedule now that I’m done with your album. I’m glad you got a chance to hear it, and I’m glad they seem to like it. It’s honestly one of the best I think either of us has done.

Lindsay: ^I felt my cheeks warm with a blush at the compliment Sir had paid me. This album was always going to mean the most to me because of the subject content. Our relationship was something I was always going to hold dear to me. It was the only thing that made me think clearly.

But I couldn’t help but let out a soft laugh. I wasn’t sure how the rest of the album sounded, but I could absolutely attest to two of the songs on there. And truth be told, they were two of my favorites to record.^ You flopped Across The Universe and Yesterday. I’m not mad about it, but I know that you did.

^I relaxed back into the chair as I waited for him to respond. I wanted to know why the album was the way it was. I generally had very strict orders about the track listing. But I hadn’t given Sir a list. I just did the vocals and took a step back. I almost wanted to see what his perception of our relationship was. I needed to know how he saw our relationship. It was one of the many questions I was afraid to ask him.^

Wes: -I hadn’t known that Lindsay had heard the album already, but I wasn’t exactly surprised that the execs had played it for her. They were in the habit of listening to pre-release albums in meetings to get the feel for them. I was glad they hadn’t asked me to change anything about it, though. I’d done what I’d done on the album for a reason, and something about the tone of Lindsay’s question told me that she knew it-

It’s us, Lindsay. That’s not the order we recorded them in, but that’s the order our story happened in. And to be honest, you and I both know that this album is us.

-In my head it was. I hoped she knew it as well as I did. This album, the songs on it, the order they were placed in, the fact that I sang on one of the songs with her, everything was engineered to show her the way I saw the two of us as a couple. She picked the songs. I picked the order. Everything else was a collaboration between the two of us. It was the way I saw her set to music.

She was leading up to something. I could hear it in her voice and the questions she was deciding to ask. This was not about Aaron Bennett anymore. That much was clear. I was just curious exactly where Lindsay was going with this.-

Lindsay: ^I wasn’t entirely sure about what he said about the record being us. I loved the man sitting in front of me. I always had. Since I was about nineteen years old. I had loved him for three years. And two of those years were from a distance. But at the same time, I didn’t know what I was getting myself involved in. I didn’t know about the world I had walked into. And I had walked into it without asking too many questions. I just found myself becoming someone that I thought he needed.

But with the relocation to New York, I was starting to question everything. And I wasn’t sure what was going on. I wasn’t sure what we were. And I knew it was a discussion that Sir and I had had a million times before. But I had never sat down and had a discussion with Wes about how he saw our relationship. And I was very aware of the fact that Wes and Sir were two very different people. But this was different. I needed to make sure that this was something we were on the same page with. And I wasn’t sure how to approach the topic.

But the move to New York had proven one thing to me about my relationship with Sir. We needed to talk about everything. And if I was having a problem, I couldn’t hide it. I couldn’t hide the insecurities. And I could not hide the doubts. It was a mixture of all of that that could send me into a down spiral. And that wasn’t something I wanted either of us to deal with if it was preventable. I just needed to be honest with him. I needed to understand what was going through his mind.^

How do you see our relationship, Wes? Not as Sir and Rose. But as Wesley and Lindsay? It’s something we’ve never talked about. And it’s something that I’m suddenly unsure of. And I just need to address it before it gets the better of us as a couple.

Wes: -I hadn’t known that Lindsay had any doubts about the two of us in a relationship, but when I thought about it, it hit me that we’d never talked about it. We’d run into that part of things almost blind. I couldn’t tell you when I fell in love with Lindsay. I’d been working with her since she was a teenager, and I didn’t think about her that way the day I’d met her. She was strictly an artist, a very talented one, but then we’d started working together. Getting to know her was slow. Lindsay was closed off from most people, but she needed someone to push her to do her best work. I was good at that. But to get her there, I had to strip her of all the layers she’d built up to protect herself with.

Lindsay had been in this business for a long time, and she was a perfectionist. She was good at what she did, but she was always pushing herself to be better. That meant she drove herself into a panic when she didn’t think the song was the best it could be. It was why she’d spent hours in the studio recording Happiness is A Warm Gun until I pulled her out of her head by wrapping a tie around her eyes.

That was the day I let myself go enough to admit I had feelings for her. I’d been so busy pushing them down and telling myself that our relationship was never going to be anything but professional that I hadn’t fully realized what was happening between us until I was completely lost in it. But that meant that I’d never actually told her how I felt about her outside of being her producer and her dom.

I was already kicking myself for not realizing it before now. I knew the way she needed reassurance in the studio and the way she needed it at home. Why would I ever think this wasn’t something she was going to need reassurance about?-

Wes and Lindsay? I know I’ve probably never said it in those terms, and I’m sorry for not saying it to you before now. As Wes, you’re absolutely the best part of my day. There have been moments I let work get the better of me or that I got lost in being your Sir, but Wes? Wes needs you more than he’d ever thought he was going to need a person in his life before I met you.

-That was the only way I knew how to say it and spell it out for her. She was the most important part of my world. I’d made an effort to make her a priority now that work was more settled. That had been an issue before too. I just hated that I hadn’t let her know that.-

Lindsay: ^I needed to hear what he was saying. But at the same time, I needed him to understand what I was getting at. I needed him to understand that I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on. I was lost in a way. But I knew that if I explained it the way I was thinking about it, he was going to blame himself. At the very least, he was going to get frustrated because he wasn’t thinking about everything that I wanted and needed.

I looked down at my hands as I tried to gather my words. I needed to get this out properly without fumbling my words. To me, the most important thing was to remind him that this wasn’t his fault. I was just as responsible for it. If I didn’t communicate things with him, he wasn’t going to understand why things were an issue.^

I just think that we jumped into this relationship of me being your submissive. We never really talked about if it was something I wanted to do. I have been in love with you since I was like nineteen, Wes. And when the opportunity presented itself to me, I was going to do anything in my power to take that chance with you.

^Clearing my throat, I realized what it sounded like. And I needed to clear up what I meant with what I was saying. Because they were two different things.^ I’m not telling you that I can’t be a submissive. You and I both know that I am a submissive. Especially for you. And occasionally Myrick. But I’m just not sure if it’s something I can do every day of the week anymore. I’ve kind of forgotten who Lindsay is. I just know who Rose is. And I need to find Lindsay again.

Wes: -She was right, and I knew it. I just was trying to not blame myself for it. It wasn’t going to help either of us. I wasn’t sure whether to walk around the desk to where she sat opposite me or to let her have her space. In the end, I needed to be close to her right now so it may have been a selfish decision, but I didn’t have a better option at the moment. Pushing up from my chair, I moved over to her side kneeling next to where she sat. It was the last thing Sir would have done and to be honest it put me at a lower level than her. Something told me that was exactly what she needed.

I didn’t want her to feel like she needed to be a sub twenty four hours a day. That sort of thing could make someone feel like being a submissive was more of a job than a pleasure.-

Lindsay… - I took her hand in mine, linking our fingers together- If you need to be just Lindsay and Wes then we’re just Lindsay and Wes. I’m marrying you — Lindsay, Rose, Songbird — whoever you are and whatever mood you’re in. I want all of you and every facet of what you are. Most of all, I want you to be happy. And if just being my girlfriend, fiancé or submissive is what you need then all you need to do is say the word.

Lindsay: ^My hand squeezed his as I thought about his words. It wasn’t something I needed. I didn’t need to be Lindsay. I just wanted her. I needed to understand how Lindsay, Rose, and Songbird all fit together. It was a puzzle. I knew that much. I was just suddenly unsure of all the puzzle pieces.

But all I could do was look down at the man kneeling in front of me. It was a place I hadn’t ever seen him. Not like this. And not for me. But it was necessary. I knew how his mind worked. I knew Wes was doing everything he could think of to prove that he was serious about it.^

It’s easier to talk about now that I’m sharing a bed with you every night. I don’t feel like I have to be Rose twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. But it’s something we’ve never talked about. And it wasn’t something I was sure I was allowed to bring up while we were in separate rooms. But I want everything to be out in the open. I need you to know how I’m feeling.

Wes: -I knew what she was talking about. Coming here and having separate rooms had seemed like a good idea to me at the time. For some reason, I’d thought that giving her that barrier between the two of us would allow her space if she needed it. I couldn’t have been more wrong there. I wanted her in my bed. I just hadn’t wanted to push her into it.

But just as much as I’d wanted her there, she’d wanted to be there and hadn’t been sure it was something she was allowed to ask for. The two of us had gotten our wires crossed there. It wasn’t something that I wanted to happen again, so her asking for what she needed and wanted meant a lot to me.-

You know, I like knowing how you’re feeling, right? I enjoy it when you tell me what you’re thinking. I like learning how you tick.

-I couldn’t help but to chuckle at myself. It wasn’t the way I usually spoke with her, but being up front about everything was a two way street-

I like everything with you to be honest, but I want you to be every version of yourself whenever you want it. It means something to me to be the person you can show every side of yourself to. Even if you’re more of a Little with Myrick, you don’t only have to be a sub around me.

Lindsay: ^Shaking my head as Wes brought up Myrick, I wasn’t sure what to say. It almost felt like my wires were getting crossed. I wasn’t sure what I needed to say. But I wanted everything to be clear. The relationship that meant the most to me was the relationship I had with Wes.

I wasn’t sure how this was going to change our relationship with Cay and Myrick. But I knew the truth. They were going to accept whatever we came to them with. If this wasn’t working for any of us, we could talk about it. But it was important to discuss what was happening between me and Wes first before we went to Myrick and Cay. And I wanted to have a plan in place before we went to them with any changes.^

I want the chance to be complete. And being with you is what makes me complete. But I also know that I can’t be your submissive every moment of every day anymore. I just need to be able to be with you and not think about if I’m making a mistake. And I think the move to New York, while being the right decision, has made me question everything. I just think that the two of us are in a strong enough relationship to discuss what is right and wrong.

Wes: -I was trying hard to listen to what she was telling me. A lot of times, I was guilty of just rushing forward with my thoughts and my perception of what I thought she was saying and not giving Lindsay a chance to say what she needed. It had been the source of a lot of problems with the two of us. Cay had called me out on it a few times already, and it wasn’t even something I’d realized I was doing until she’d brought it up. I was trying to be more conscious of that now.

It hit me that she could use a system of telling me when she needed to be one thing or the other, and we could make this work out. I was good at going back and forth between being Wesley the producer and Wesley the Dom. Wesley the boyfriend and fiance was new, but I was figuring out. I’d also had years of practice at switching between two parts of my personality. Everything here was new for Lindsay. She was new to being a sub, she was new to New York, she was new to being my girlfriend, and even new at being my fiancee. It was a lot of adjustment for her, so any way that I could help her out was going to be a priority for me.-

Lindsay, why don’t we figure out a way for you to tell me how you’re feeling without you having to just outright say it, especially if other people are around. I’m not sure exactly how to make this work, but I’m sure there’s a signal or something you could give me to switch gears into whatever we need to.

Lindsay: ^I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out to take Wes’ hand in mine. I needed to feel him. There was so much going on that I needed to feel grounded. I needed to not lose my mind over what we were talking about. Part of me felt guilty for needing this change with him. But most of me knew the truth. It was the evolution of our relationship. It was the only way we were going to survive as a couple.

And the more we talked, the more I realized how much we needed each other. It wasn’t that we were codependent. It was just that we were better together. And talking about this change made us a better couple. Neither of us were shutting it down. We were listening to the concerns the other had. And Wes wasn’t trying to talk over me like he normally did. He wasn’t assuming he knew what was best for me. He was listening to my concerns and figuring out the best way to change. It was something I loved about him in this moment. He was doing what I needed as I said it.^

I don’t want to have to bite my tongue. I understand the situation is different when we’re around other dominants, but it’s also an adjustment we can tell Myrick and Cay about. Because, in a way, this affects them just as much as it affects us. But know that when I’m in the room with a group of Doms, I will always treat you with the utmost respect. That is something you deserve.

Wes: -Respect was a funny word to throw around in the world we were a part of. Some people expected it outright simply because of their title. Others of us knew that it was something you had to earn. I wouldn’t have been worthy of any respect at all if I hadn’t been listening to what Lindsay was trying to tell me.

I didn’t know how much respect I deserved, but I was determined not to push aside what Lindsay wanted and needed. She was the one person on Earth I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, and I needed her as much as she needed me.

Myrick and Cay were quickly becoming a part of our family here in New York, a group of people I hadn’t expected to build, but were the support system I hadn’t known that the two of us needed.-

You can be anything you need to be around Myrick and Cay, they’re friends. If we spend time around other Doms or submissives, you and I can discuss what’s going to happen beforehand so we both are clear on expectations. As for the rest of the time… -I hestitated a moment. I was going to suggest something, but I didn’t want it to come off like an order, so I weighed my words carefully.- why don’t we try just doing the whole submissive thing on the weekends, so both of us don’t feel like we have to come home from work and jump into those roles? We can just relax and be Lindsay and Wesley and enjoy being with each other.

Lindsay: ^I could only smile at Wes. This was truly the best thing we could do. Especially with me asking for time to figure myself out. I loved him, and I wanted to be sure he loved me without the submission. And as much as he told me he did, I just needed to see it. I needed to see that we could survive without being a Dom and sub couple. I needed some normalcy. Because everything about our life wasn’t normal.

Squeezing his hand, I nodded my head. I was glad we had something figured out. It was for the best that we didn’t walk out of this office without a plan in place. And as much as I was going to miss hearing him call me Rose all the time, I knew I’d cherish it more when I was in a sub frame of mind.^ I think that’s for the best. It’ll give us time to just exist. Especially since I know how taxing it can be to be at work and have to come home just to be my Sir. It’ll be nice for you to have the time and space to just be Wesley.

^I bit down on my bottom lip as I thought about the next thing I wanted. I just wanted to go home and enjoy our new roles. I wanted to see how it was going to start working. I wanted to see it in practice. Releasing a sigh, I looked up at Wes with pleading eyes.^ Can we go home? I didn’t bring my car. I just enjoyed the walk, but I know you have yours. So I can just ride home with you. I’m just worn out from everything. I want to be wrapped up in your arms as we wear take out and watch Netflix.

^The small laugh was everything I needed to hear. I knew Wes didn’t have much going on today. It was going to be a matter of time before he started to work with Aaron on an album. And that wasn’t counting the work of getting Aaron to accept him as a producer. But I watched as Wes gathered his stuff to go home for the day. Holding his hand out to me, I quickly scrambled out of my seat to take his hand before we were out the door. We were starting a new adventure. And there was no one in the world I wanted to take this adventure with besides Wes.^

#CantBreatheWithTheseWordsOnMyTongue

[sorrowandblues-blog]

Can’t Breathe With These Words On My Tongue (SL With @APerfectSong_)

Wes: -I’d made a point to carve out some time to go and see my Rose and Cardinal at the shop today in my schedule. It had been far too busy at the studio for my liking. There were a few new artists coming in and work on their albums had been split up between us. Now that I wasn’t working with Rose on her album, I didn’t see as much of her as I’d like, and the baby was going to be coming soon, so I knew that Cardinal was going to be occupied with that. If I could get out of here and visit them during the day, then it was definitely something I was going to do.

But my secretary had called me back into the office saying that Rose was there waiting on me. I hadn’t been gone long. I hadn’t even gotten to the doors that led out of the building before my phone had gone off. I had no idea why Lindsay was in the building, but it worried me a little. I panicked slightly and instead of waiting for the elevators, I headed straight for the stairs and took them two at a time, until I was a little out of breath by the time I reached the floor where my office was. I didn’t stop to take a break though. I was heading straight for my office door to make sure she was alright before I felt comfortable with catching my breath.

She was there waiting for me just inside the door when I arrived, though the look on her face didn’t tell me if my worries were founded or not-

Is everything alright, Rose?

-I leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead, just glad to see her and happy that she wasn’t having a panic attack or a melt down. I could cross that off my list of worries. I was a worrier by nature and anything unexpected set off my internal circuits until I could settle that everything alright. My gut reactions were much worse when things came to Rose.-

Lindsay: ^I could only smile as Sir pressed his lips to my head. It was something both he and Daddy Baines did when they wanted to make sure I knew I was cherished. And it made me feel that way. But I needed to remember that this wasn’t just a visit. This was something I truly needed to talk with him about.

This wasn’t about Sir and Rose. This was about Mr Francis and Miss Evans. I had to be the recording artist in the moment. I had to remind myself that this wasn’t about being in love with the man in front of me. It was about my career.^ I got a phone call requesting my presence with the executives this morning. And I got the surprise of my life when I walked in and heard them listening to my album. I guess you’re done work with it, Mr Francis?

^I could only raise a brow with a smile as he moved to sit behind his desk. The moment I said Mr Francis and not Sir, he had been clued in that this was purely about work. I had absolutely wished it was pleasure, but I needed to be serious. I needed to focus on what had been asked of me.^ They tried to tell me that I needed to see if I could record without you. I’m pretty sure they forgot what happened last time I tried to do that. That or they never heard about it. And then I informed them of Happiness Is A Warm Gun. I asked them if they were willing to part with that kind of money for me to record one song. I don’t think they were pleased to hear about that minor incident.

Wes: -Happiness Is A Warm Gun. That song had been one that I thought we were never going to finish. The perfectionist in Lindsay was loud and strong during that incident, and it had been an expensive endeavor for the studio. Anyone who was less successful than Lindsay had been wouldn’t have been able to pull that off with any studio. As it was, they had been less than happy about all of it.

What I was less than happy about was the fact that they’d wanted her to record with another producer. I had taken over the production on the album after the day she’d shut down in the studio working with someone else. It was something she could have if she wanted, but the both of us knew how it was going to end, even if I’d done a good job making sure that the executives with offices on the floor above mine hadn’t heard about her panic attack that day. We were both new here, and I hadn’t wanted her paying too steep a price for that incident. The truth was, I wasn’t going to stay at the studio without her, and she wasn’t going to stay here without me. If they lost one of us, they lost us both, and I didn’t think they were ready to do that to either of us at the moment.

But there were always surprises in stock when it came to recording studios, like the one she’d just informed me about. I wasn’t surprised they’d wanted her to collaborate with anyone else. I wasn’t always the most popular with the artists who came through the studio, but I got good work out of them. There were a few who insisted on working with me, and the newer artists usually got assigned to me because I could be demanding enough to get their best performance out with less time in the studio. I just had no idea who they might have wanted her to record with.-

And I’m assuming you told them no. I’ll make sure they understand that you working with another producer isn’t an option. Was there a reason they wanted you to try?

-I raised an eyebrow, toying with the silver pen that sat on the top of my desk though I kept my eyes trained on Lindsay as I waited for an answer. It worried me a little that they might be thinking that I wasn’t getting the best out of her as an artist, but I wasn’t going to say that out loud until I understood the discussion that had gone along with it all.-

Lindsay: Of course I told them no. The only producer I record with is Wesley Francis. It’s been that way since I was nineteen years old. And we’ve seen what happens when I try to do it another way.

^Shaking my head, I gave Sir a smile. It was rare he got to see this side of my personality. It was absolutely reserved for when I was his artist and not his Rose. There was a bit more sass that I normally dealt out, but he knew it was because I take my job seriously. I was always going to do the best thing for my career.^

They signed a new blues artist. He actually requested to record with me. The executives seem to think it’s a great idea. That was why they wanted me to record with another producer. But again, I reminded them that we were a packaged deal. And I may have let them know we’re in a relationship. I couldn’t hide it. I didn’t want to hide it. But they told me that if I wanted to sing with him and have you produce the track, I had to talk to you about it. They said they’d talk to Aaron about working with you.

^Relaxing back into my chair, I let my eyes fall on the man in front of me. I could tell he was a little afraid of what was going on. But he had to have known that above all else, he was the most important thing to me.^ If you can make time, would you be willing to produce a track for Aaron Bennett with me as a featured artist, Mr Francis?

Wes: -If the executives here hadn’t figured out by now that we were in a relationship then they were blinder than I ever believed possible, even if we weren’t open about it. We spent a lot of time together, and when she was here in the studio, I didn’t stop myself from being openly affectionate with her. I wouldn’t have been capable of it if I’d tried. It honestly made no difference as long as the two of us did our jobs.

As far as producing a track with Aaron Bennett, that wasn’t going to be much of a hardship. He didn’t have an assigned producer here at the studio yet. He hadn’t even come in to start his recording. His contract was only signed a few days ago, and I’d had no idea that he was going to make a request to have Lindsay on his album.-

That won’t be a problem at all. I can easily fit that into the schedule now that I’m done with your album. I’m glad you got a chance to hear it, and I’m glad they seem to like it. It’s honestly one of the best I think either of us has done.

Lindsay: ^I felt my cheeks warm with a blush at the compliment Sir had paid me. This album was always going to mean the most to me because of the subject content. Our relationship was something I was always going to hold dear to me. It was the only thing that made me think clearly.

But I couldn’t help but let out a soft laugh. I wasn’t sure how the rest of the album sounded, but I could absolutely attest to two of the songs on there. And truth be told, they were two of my favorites to record.^ You flopped Across The Universe and Yesterday. I’m not mad about it, but I know that you did.

^I relaxed back into the chair as I waited for him to respond. I wanted to know why the album was the way it was. I generally had very strict orders about the track listing. But I hadn’t given Sir a list. I just did the vocals and took a step back. I almost wanted to see what his perception of our relationship was. I needed to know how he saw our relationship. It was one of the many questions I was afraid to ask him.^

Wes: -I hadn’t known that Lindsay had heard the album already, but I wasn’t exactly surprised that the execs had played it for her. They were in the habit of listening to pre-release albums in meetings to get the feel for them. I was glad they hadn’t asked me to change anything about it, though. I’d done what I’d done on the album for a reason, and something about the tone of Lindsay’s question told me that she knew it-

It’s us, Lindsay. That’s not the order we recorded them in, but that’s the order our story happened in. And to be honest, you and I both know that this album is us.

-In my head it was. I hoped she knew it as well as I did. This album, the songs on it, the order they were placed in, the fact that I sang on one of the songs with her, everything was engineered to show her the way I saw the two of us as a couple. She picked the songs. I picked the order. Everything else was a collaboration between the two of us. It was the way I saw her set to music.

She was leading up to something. I could hear it in her voice and the questions she was deciding to ask. This was not about Aaron Bennett anymore. That much was clear. I was just curious exactly where Lindsay was going with this.-

Lindsay: ^I wasn’t entirely sure about what he said about the record being us. I loved the man sitting in front of me. I always had. Since I was about nineteen years old. I had loved him for three years. And two of those years were from a distance. But at the same time, I didn’t know what I was getting myself involved in. I didn’t know about the world I had walked into. And I had walked into it without asking too many questions. I just found myself becoming someone that I thought he needed.

But with the relocation to New York, I was starting to question everything. And I wasn’t sure what was going on. I wasn’t sure what we were. And I knew it was a discussion that Sir and I had had a million times before. But I had never sat down and had a discussion with Wes about how he saw our relationship. And I was very aware of the fact that Wes and Sir were two very different people. But this was different. I needed to make sure that this was something we were on the same page with. And I wasn’t sure how to approach the topic.

But the move to New York had proven one thing to me about my relationship with Sir. We needed to talk about everything. And if I was having a problem, I couldn’t hide it. I couldn’t hide the insecurities. And I could not hide the doubts. It was a mixture of all of that that could send me into a down spiral. And that wasn’t something I wanted either of us to deal with if it was preventable. I just needed to be honest with him. I needed to understand what was going through his mind.^

How do you see our relationship, Wes? Not as Sir and Rose. But as Wesley and Lindsay? It’s something we’ve never talked about. And it’s something that I’m suddenly unsure of. And I just need to address it before it gets the better of us as a couple.

Wes: -I hadn’t known that Lindsay had any doubts about the two of us in a relationship, but when I thought about it, it hit me that we’d never talked about it. We’d run into that part of things almost blind. I couldn’t tell you when I fell in love with Lindsay. I’d been working with her since she was a teenager, and I didn’t think about her that way the day I’d met her. She was strictly an artist, a very talented one, but then we’d started working together. Getting to know her was slow. Lindsay was closed off from most people, but she needed someone to push her to do her best work. I was good at that. But to get her there, I had to strip her of all the layers she’d built up to protect herself with.

Lindsay had been in this business for a long time, and she was a perfectionist. She was good at what she did, but she was always pushing herself to be better. That meant she drove herself into a panic when she didn’t think the song was the best it could be. It was why she’d spent hours in the studio recording Happiness is A Warm Gun until I pulled her out of her head by wrapping a tie around her eyes.

That was the day I let myself go enough to admit I had feelings for her. I’d been so busy pushing them down and telling myself that our relationship was never going to be anything but professional that I hadn’t fully realized what was happening between us until I was completely lost in it. But that meant that I’d never actually told her how I felt about her outside of being her producer and her dom.

I was already kicking myself for not realizing it before now. I knew the way she needed reassurance in the studio and the way she needed it at home. Why would I ever think this wasn’t something she was going to need reassurance about?-

Wes and Lindsay? I know I’ve probably never said it in those terms, and I’m sorry for not saying it to you before now. As Wes, you’re absolutely the best part of my day. There have been moments I let work get the better of me or that I got lost in being your Sir, but Wes? Wes needs you more than he’d ever thought he was going to need a person in his life before I met you.

-That was the only way I knew how to say it and spell it out for her. She was the most important part of my world. I’d made an effort to make her a priority now that work was more settled. That had been an issue before too. I just hated that I hadn’t let her know that.-

Lindsay: ^I needed to hear what he was saying. But at the same time, I needed him to understand what I was getting at. I needed him to understand that I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on. I was lost in a way. But I knew that if I explained it the way I was thinking about it, he was going to blame himself. At the very least, he was going to get frustrated because he wasn’t thinking about everything that I wanted and needed.

I looked down at my hands as I tried to gather my words. I needed to get this out properly without fumbling my words. To me, the most important thing was to remind him that this wasn’t his fault. I was just as responsible for it. If I didn’t communicate things with him, he wasn’t going to understand why things were an issue.^

I just think that we jumped into this relationship of me being your submissive. We never really talked about if it was something I wanted to do. I have been in love with you since I was like nineteen, Wes. And when the opportunity presented itself to me, I was going to do anything in my power to take that chance with you.

^Clearing my throat, I realized what it sounded like. And I needed to clear up what I meant with what I was saying. Because they were two different things.^ I’m not telling you that I can’t be a submissive. You and I both know that I am a submissive. Especially for you. And occasionally Myrick. But I’m just not sure if it’s something I can do every day of the week anymore. I’ve kind of forgotten who Lindsay is. I just know who Rose is. And I need to find Lindsay again.

Wes: -She was right, and I knew it. I just was trying to not blame myself for it. It wasn’t going to help either of us. I wasn’t sure whether to walk around the desk to where she sat opposite me or to let her have her space. In the end, I needed to be close to her right now so it may have been a selfish decision, but I didn’t have a better option at the moment. Pushing up from my chair, I moved over to her side kneeling next to where she sat. It was the last thing Sir would have done and to be honest it put me at a lower level than her. Something told me that was exactly what she needed.

I didn’t want her to feel like she needed to be a sub twenty four hours a day. That sort of thing could make someone feel like being a submissive was more of a job than a pleasure.-

Lindsay… - I took her hand in mine, linking our fingers together- If you need to be just Lindsay and Wes then we’re just Lindsay and Wes. I’m marrying you — Lindsay, Rose, Songbird — whoever you are and whatever mood you’re in. I want all of you and every facet of what you are. Most of all, I want you to be happy. And if just being my girlfriend, fiancé or submissive is what you need then all you need to do is say the word.

Lindsay: ^My hand squeezed his as I thought about his words. It wasn’t something I needed. I didn’t need to be Lindsay. I just wanted her. I needed to understand how Lindsay, Rose, and Songbird all fit together. It was a puzzle. I knew that much. I was just suddenly unsure of all the puzzle pieces.

But all I could do was look down at the man kneeling in front of me. It was a place I hadn’t ever seen him. Not like this. And not for me. But it was necessary. I knew how his mind worked. I knew Wes was doing everything he could think of to prove that he was serious about it.^

It’s easier to talk about now that I’m sharing a bed with you every night. I don’t feel like I have to be Rose twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. But it’s something we’ve never talked about. And it wasn’t something I was sure I was allowed to bring up while we were in separate rooms. But I want everything to be out in the open. I need you to know how I’m feeling.

Wes: -I knew what she was talking about. Coming here and having separate rooms had seemed like a good idea to me at the time. For some reason, I’d thought that giving her that barrier between the two of us would allow her space if she needed it. I couldn’t have been more wrong there. I wanted her in my bed. I just hadn’t wanted to push her into it.

But just as much as I’d wanted her there, she’d wanted to be there and hadn’t been sure it was something she was allowed to ask for. The two of us had gotten our wires crossed there. It wasn’t something that I wanted to happen again, so her asking for what she needed and wanted meant a lot to me.-

You know, I like knowing how you’re feeling, right? I enjoy it when you tell me what you’re thinking. I like learning how you tick.

-I couldn’t help but to chuckle at myself. It wasn’t the way I usually spoke with her, but being up front about everything was a two way street-

I like everything with you to be honest, but I want you to be every version of yourself whenever you want it. It means something to me to be the person you can show every side of yourself to. Even if you’re more of a Little with Myrick, you don’t only have to be a sub around me.

Lindsay: ^Shaking my head as Wes brought up Myrick, I wasn’t sure what to say. It almost felt like my wires were getting crossed. I wasn’t sure what I needed to say. But I wanted everything to be clear. The relationship that meant the most to me was the relationship I had with Wes.

I wasn’t sure how this was going to change our relationship with Cay and Myrick. But I knew the truth. They were going to accept whatever we came to them with. If this wasn’t working for any of us, we could talk about it. But it was important to discuss what was happening between me and Wes first before we went to Myrick and Cay. And I wanted to have a plan in place before we went to them with any changes.^

I want the chance to be complete. And being with you is what makes me complete. But I also know that I can’t be your submissive every moment of every day anymore. I just need to be able to be with you and not think about if I’m making a mistake. And I think the move to New York, while being the right decision, has made me question everything. I just think that the two of us are in a strong enough relationship to discuss what is right and wrong.

Wes: -I was trying hard to listen to what she was telling me. A lot of times, I was guilty of just rushing forward with my thoughts and my perception of what I thought she was saying and not giving Lindsay a chance to say what she needed. It had been the source of a lot of problems with the two of us. Cay had called me out on it a few times already, and it wasn’t even something I’d realized I was doing until she’d brought it up. I was trying to be more conscious of that now.

It hit me that she could use a system of telling me when she needed to be one thing or the other, and we could make this work out. I was good at going back and forth between being Wesley the producer and Wesley the Dom. Wesley the boyfriend and fiance was new, but I was figuring out. I’d also had years of practice at switching between two parts of my personality. Everything here was new for Lindsay. She was new to being a sub, she was new to New York, she was new to being my girlfriend, and even new at being my fiancee. It was a lot of adjustment for her, so any way that I could help her out was going to be a priority for me.-

Lindsay, why don’t we figure out a way for you to tell me how you’re feeling without you having to just outright say it, especially if other people are around. I’m not sure exactly how to make this work, but I’m sure there’s a signal or something you could give me to switch gears into whatever we need to.

Lindsay: ^I couldn’t stop myself from reaching out to take Wes’ hand in mine. I needed to feel him. There was so much going on that I needed to feel grounded. I needed to not lose my mind over what we were talking about. Part of me felt guilty for needing this change with him. But most of me knew the truth. It was the evolution of our relationship. It was the only way we were going to survive as a couple.

And the more we talked, the more I realized how much we needed each other. It wasn’t that we were codependent. It was just that we were better together. And talking about this change made us a better couple. Neither of us were shutting it down. We were listening to the concerns the other had. And Wes wasn’t trying to talk over me like he normally did. He wasn’t assuming he knew what was best for me. He was listening to my concerns and figuring out the best way to change. It was something I loved about him in this moment. He was doing what I needed as I said it.^

I don’t want to have to bite my tongue. I understand the situation is different when we’re around other dominants, but it’s also an adjustment we can tell Myrick and Cay about. Because, in a way, this affects them just as much as it affects us. But know that when I’m in the room with a group of Doms, I will always treat you with the utmost respect. That is something you deserve.

Wes: -Respect was a funny word to throw around in the world we were a part of. Some people expected it outright simply because of their title. Others of us knew that it was something you had to earn. I wouldn’t have been worthy of any respect at all if I hadn’t been listening to what Lindsay was trying to tell me.

I didn’t know how much respect I deserved, but I was determined not to push aside what Lindsay wanted and needed. She was the one person on Earth I could see myself spending the rest of my life with, and I needed her as much as she needed me.

Myrick and Cay were quickly becoming a part of our family here in New York, a group of people I hadn’t expected to build, but were the support system I hadn’t known that the two of us needed.-

You can be anything you need to be around Myrick and Cay, they’re friends. If we spend time around other Doms or submissives, you and I can discuss what’s going to happen beforehand so we both are clear on expectations. As for the rest of the time… -I hestitated a moment. I was going to suggest something, but I didn’t want it to come off like an order, so I weighed my words carefully.- why don’t we try just doing the whole submissive thing on the weekends, so both of us don’t feel like we have to come home from work and jump into those roles? We can just relax and be Lindsay and Wesley and enjoy being with each other.

Lindsay: ^I could only smile at Wes. This was truly the best thing we could do. Especially with me asking for time to figure myself out. I loved him, and I wanted to be sure he loved me without the submission. And as much as he told me he did, I just needed to see it. I needed to see that we could survive without being a Dom and sub couple. I needed some normalcy. Because everything about our life wasn’t normal.

Squeezing his hand, I nodded my head. I was glad we had something figured out. It was for the best that we didn’t walk out of this office without a plan in place. And as much as I was going to miss hearing him call me Rose all the time, I knew I’d cherish it more when I was in a sub frame of mind.^ I think that’s for the best. It’ll give us time to just exist. Especially since I know how taxing it can be to be at work and have to come home just to be my Sir. It’ll be nice for you to have the time and space to just be Wesley.

^I bit down on my bottom lip as I thought about the next thing I wanted. I just wanted to go home and enjoy our new roles. I wanted to see how it was going to start working. I wanted to see it in practice. Releasing a sigh, I looked up at Wes with pleading eyes.^ Can we go home? I didn’t bring my car. I just enjoyed the walk, but I know you have yours. So I can just ride home with you. I’m just worn out from everything. I want to be wrapped up in your arms as we wear take out and watch Netflix.

^The small laugh was everything I needed to hear. I knew Wes didn’t have much going on today. It was going to be a matter of time before he started to work with Aaron on an album. And that wasn’t counting the work of getting Aaron to accept him as a producer. But I watched as Wes gathered his stuff to go home for the day. Holding his hand out to me, I quickly scrambled out of my seat to take his hand before we were out the door. We were starting a new adventure. And there was no one in the world I wanted to take this adventure with besides Wes.^

#CantBreatheWithTheseWordsOnMyTongue

[nomorewritinganxiety-blog]

Dump 3

Day Three I’m hoping I can get pandora to play the shuffle set that I want (It wouldn’t). I’m mixing random journal like musings in with some actual bits of story today. I’m willing to bet that anyone who chooses to read my musings will get at least a little confused if not a little frustrated. So here’s a window to my mind! I feel a little bit like I’m cheating by using the day count at the beginning of each document. It’s only two words though and I’m actually getting some sort of writing down so I don’t care. I’m not really feeling much of Sam and Hunter’s story right now. I’m hoping I can find a prompt to help me write something. For now it’s quiet here. Just me and the dog. When I get home from work though I’m sure it will be another story. Here’s to living dangerously and just trying to get something down. I like the seven deadly sins challenge but I can’t even feel any scenes for that right now. I’m feeling a little numb. Maybe it was that I didn’t have quite enough coffee. I can’t afford more coffee. I should check my bank account. I wouldn’t mind cleaning. That is how bad my want to procrastinate is right now. I grabbed my only two bags. Mostly clothes, two small journals, three salt pencils, one of which was mostly used, and a handful of other school supplies. My nose and cheek ached, as they often did. The fresh scars spoke up any time I was nervous or worked too hard. A white line over my left cheekbone and four deep dots on my nose. They were still red around the edges, my nose slightly swollen to the right where it had cracked. I threw both bags over my shoulder. I picked up one of mom’s boxes and headed for the house. The new housing arrangements were small. Two tiny bedrooms and a combined living and kitchen space. Just barely within Association Regulations. With only so much livable land left they had to be careful how they rationed it. I guess we were lucky not to be in bunk style dorms like they have in the city. The island was a small, close knit community. It was said that the new government only had a loose hold on the people here. That’s why mom brought me. She hoped that I could live among these people as myself.

I’m hating my writing right now. I want to go back and erase the whole thing. It’s time to try and move on. I’m using too many details that conflict because I haven’t really figured out the timeline of the story yet. I know where in the story this scene happens but I’m not really sure where in Hunter’s life it happens. I can’t decide if he’s closer to 8 or closer to 12 in this scene. I need more details from his history and from his future that I’m not really ready to write yet. I want to write it anyway though. Maybe I’ll try to describe young Hunter from Sam’s point of view and see what happens. I’m editing again and I need to stop. I need to keep writing and see if I can just put ideas down even if I don’t like them. They need to stay. I need the words.

I like to watch the new arrivals when the transports come in. It doesn’t happen too often and maybe that’s why it’s so fun to watch. Public transports look funny. Their big streamlined bodies made from compressed old plastic and bits of metal that have seen too much ocean water. Grey and brown submarine shapes anchored to the rails with wheels made of reconstructed plastic.

I’m judging myself because my words aren’t coming out to describe what I see in my head. I don’t like how I’m writing young Sam either. I’m going to try again from an outside prospective since I’m having trouble getting in his head. I’m starting to feel it and my alarm went off for work. Hopefully I will be able to get the flow back when I get home from work. I will not be telling the reader that either one of them is gay. I will not tell the reader the backstory of Hunter’s  scars unless it comes up in conversation between the boys. It won’t though. That is one of Hunter’s secrets. I should make a list of the things that I won’t tell the reader. Maybe it will help. The music is helping me to drown out the voice of my inner editor and my inner perfectionist. The perfectionist likes to bring things to a halt. Too many words, too much description. I don’t like it. The other roommate just came in and it went from being calm and almost quiet in here to   music playing and kids yelling. I kind of want to go yell at them and tell them that I’m trying to get some freaking work done! I am making an effort not to let any of my characters curse in this story. I’m hoping it will make me use more words and be a little more creative with my wording. I’m getting bored with my own descriptions. There are details that I want to include and things that I can see in my head but they just aren’t fitting in and I’m starting to get a little frustrated with it. There are things that I like about this and things that I don’t. I hate that most of my paragraphs start the same. I’m frustrated with myself for switching points of view all the time. I’d rather get the words out badly then not get them out at all though.

The bright desert sun beat down on cracked earth. Plastic tumble weeds rolled in the distance, just visible to the boy standing on the corner of the transport platform. The wind blew dust into his shaggy hair, streaking the black waves with tan. The boy raked long fingers through the front of his hair, pushing it out of his face. The shiny grey rails gave off a gentle hum. Five more minutes before the transport showed. The boy bounced on the balls of his feet. New transports were always exciting. The station behind him was older than the floods that changed the maps. Mostly made of brick with compressed plastic filling the gaps. The old concrete under his feet had large cracks here and there that had never been filled. The hum changed in tone as the transport got closer. A soft chill of excitement ran through him. There was word that people were moving to the island. The ground vibrated under his feet. He felt the vibrations move up through his shins, the thin soles of his shoes doing little to soften the sensation. The transport went from barely in view to right in front of him in a matter of seconds. The grey and white vehicle was one pointed cylinder. Pointed at both ends. The desert dust coated it making it look like a good cleaning would just wipe the whole thing away. After coming up from the water the dust always coated them. Air hissed as the pressure release from the door before it slid open. The inside walls were the grey and white compressed plastic and metal. Same as the outside but you could actually see what they were since they were never exposed to the desert dust or the salt and acid of the oceans. Two old boxes and a few bags sat on the floor in front of a boy about my age and his mother. The new boy stood up slowly and shook off the long ride. He shouldered two of the bags and picked up a box. His hair was just a touch darker than the cracked desert earth that he stared at. I had never seen hair so light. His skin was almost as pale as mine with just a hint of tan.  I watched as the two stepped off the transport. He was about my height. The Board Director came out the back door of the transport station huffing. His grey hair was more mussed than usually, fluffy tufts sticking out here and there. “I apologize for being late” I wasn’t listening to the rest of the conversation. The newcomers were well dressed. They both wore brand new regulation outfits in tan and grey. None of the homemade green and brown you saw scattered around the older members of the island. Mostly the grey of recycled plastic thread. I followed at a distance as the Director lead the newcomers toward the housing section. The boy kept his face turned toward the ground.

A list of things I’m not going to tell the reader (but I want to convey at least a little)

Hunter is gay Hunter knows he is gay Has a crush on Sam Gear is non-binary Hunter’s dad’s story Hunter’s dad is an Association leader Sam questions his feeling for Hunter Hunter has some anxiety Hunter’s anxiety does not get in his way Young Sam is nosy

Character List

Sam Hunter Hunter’s Mom Hunter’s Dad The Mayor (Board Director) Gear

Hunter is:

Hunter Meylin Sachs Caucasian Lightly tanned Green eyes Dirty blonde hair About 6’2” fully grown North American Not Religious Lives with his mom Regulation housing A Rebel Gay Crush on Sam Average body type Scars on right side of face Looks like his mother Hufflepuff (Pukwudgie) Generally healthy Keeps his hair short and neat Mom cuts his hair INFJ Introvert (22%) Intuitive (69%) Feeling (47%) Judging (1%) Sensitive

Sam is:

Samuel Pariot Gryffindor (Wampus) ESTJ Extrovert  (70%) Sensing (9%) Thinking (47%) Judging (34%) Great memory Not aware of his own emotions

Gear is:

No one knows their real name Afraid of heights Doesn’t like crowds Ravenclaw (Horned Serpent) INTJ Introvert (53%) Intuitive (31%) Thinking (84%) Judging (78%)

[lisamaryanderson]

Get To Know A Girlboss // Begitta Stolk

The first time I met Fashion designer Begitta was when I modelled for her in a Bridal shoot in the Gold Coast Hinterlands. It was what I imagine meeting a fairy for the first time is like; she was bubbly, and smiling constantly. Her energy was just beautiful and you become drawn to her warmth.

I have been lucky enough to wear her pieces twice, and somehow when I have put them on, it's like they were designed for me. Fitting like a glove, flattering me in all the right places and making you feel like Cinderella off to the ball. 

Named Couture Designer of The Year for Queensland by Weddings and Events of Australia in 2014, one of 5 finalists in the Qantas Spirit of Youth Awards, and official dress sponsor for the Australian Miss Universe competition, among plenty of other achievements, Begitta is helping to lead the charge for Australian Fashion worldwide. This is why she is our latest #GirlBoss!

What is your background? 

I have worked in the fashion industry for over 15 years now. I graduated from college in Australia and then, after a working for a year as a freelance stylist, headed to Paris to study Haute Couture from it's source. I have worked with some incredible designers over my years and was so excited to begin my own journey into my label and business. This year marks 5 Official years and it is quite insane to see how far we have come.

 How did you go about starting your own brand and what was the most challenging aspect of doing so?   

Werk, werk, werk, werk, WERK, WERK! Having a plan and a dream is just the beginning. It takes an incredible amount of will and determination to make it work in this industry. The most challenging aspect is work/life balance. I am incredible hands on in all aspects of the business so I have to wear a lot of hats and I work long hours. I love what I do so much I live and breath it which means I making sacrifices here and there which can be hard. I feel like the Work/Life Balance is actually a myth, I don't think you ever get to a point where it is "Just right", It's a constant battle of wills and if you get to the point of "Just right" Or comfortable... You're not pushing yourself enough!

 What has been your biggest "pinch me" moment in your journey so far?

It's a funny thing those moments It's rare for me to look back and pat myself on the back. I'm always thinking about the next BIG thing I need to be doing, keeping my eye on the next big prize. I am quite critical of myself as I'm a bit of a perfectionist and regardless of the outcome/performance, whether good or bad, I always want to learn a lesson and make it bigger and better next time.

But the BIGGEST pinch me moment thus far was opening the show for the insanely amazing JSPRING Fashion Show. It was atop an incredible large cruise ship that was anchored in the middle of Sydney Harbour. The show took place on the top deck and the vibe and energy was just insane! It was an invite only event full of celebs, media and the Sydney "It" Crowd and having Begitta open the show was incredible flattering and a pivotal point in my career as it led to so many other amazing opportunities.

 Tell us about your biggest failure in your journey and what you learned from that? 

Oooh! No one ever talks about failure, but I love to! I think you learn more from what you do wrong than what you do right and it reminds us that we're human and that we all make mistakes. In business you meet a little failure every day/week/month. Whether it is not getting back to an email in time for an amazing opportunity or posting out the wrong size gown to a client. I have done both! You just have to pick up the pieces and make the best of a bad situation. Always follow up and thank people for their time and be gracious in your apologies when needed. And a bouquet of flowers always makes things better!

 What advice would you give to others who are wanting to start up their own label? 

When they say it's hard work, they aren't saying it to deter you, they are saying it to prepare you! There is a lot of work and a lot of love required. You will have to make sacrifices in life, love, relationships, socially and monetarily in order to pursue any business and the fashion industry is no different. It takes plenty of will, determination, true dedication and passion to make your dreams a reality but if you can dream it you can do it. Just never stop moving forward.

 Who is a Girl Boss that you admire? 

So many, I adore Marie Forleo, her personality and authenticity really resonates with me and her weekly videos are a must for any BossLady! I love Sophia Amoruso (GirlBoss Herself!), Ashy Bines is a beautiful friend of mine and so inspiring in her connection with her audience and has such a beautiful heart and of course my business coach Daria Zest is an absolute Qween!

Where do you see Begitta the Label in the next 5 years? 

With a Sydney, New York and Paris Fashion Week under it's (sparkling) belt! We've been asked to partake in all three, but building a solid foundation and a legacy is what I truly want to create so timing is EVERYTHING! I am most certainly excited for the future of the brand! From Bridal Gowns to Ready-To-Wear I want to add a dash of "Begitta" into every girls wardrobe! 

Check out more of Begitta's amazing designs online here. 

L xx

[lamurdiparasian]

How Not to Fail: 5 Lessons From a Screen Printing Wildcard

Those who have had the opportunity to go to college know that the final few weeks, while sleep depriving, are incredibly exciting. You’ve been in school since kindergarten, and now for the first time you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. When graduation finally comes around, many people choose to celebrate with a road trip, time at the beach, even a European vacation. I took one day off to nurse a hangover and then went shopping for commercial space.

I felt like I had reached a pivotal point in my life. How many people graduate college? How many people start their own business? I had completed two lifelong goals in quick succession. However, what I would soon realize is that starting a business is the easy part. Running it and turning into a success is much more difficult. According to the Small Business Administration, about 50% of new companies will fail within their first year. I was able to make it to year 3 before I decided to sell mine (at the height of our success) and this post is about some of the lessons I learned during, but especially after, looking back on that journey.

Lesson #1 – Plan for the step after the next step. The old Spanish building was not that big, but it was in a great location for customers to find me on Google Maps or see me from a main street. I thought that since I was able to successfully run the business out of a two car garage, surely this space which was even bigger (barely) would work out. I was a one manual shop and when we ended up printing 5,000 shirts a month, I realized getting a second manual or an automatic would be damn near impossible in the space. Initially I had been caught up thinking too small, too immediate, worried whether the business would succeed and not wanting to get in over my head. I figured if we got to a point down the road where we were big enough to need more equipment we could always look for a larger space at that time. What I didn’t realize was that “down the road” would occur within the first 12 months. It’s important to be cautious, but also plan to succeed. I could have saved myself a lot of hassle by thinking further ahead.

Lesson #2 – Learn how to Say “No.” As a new company I was hungry to succeed and was terrified of failure. For these reasons I felt that I could never turn away any business that happened to present itself – I felt that I had to take advantage of every opportunity. Wrong. Even though I had been screen printing for seven years, I found that I was doing something for the first time almost everyday. Why? Because when I worked for others – I was working within their defined system. They had created procedures for me and all I had to do was execute. Now, I had customers calling me with all sorts of requests. “Can you print on this kind of paper?” “Can I bring my own garments?” “Do you do hats?” “ Mugs?” “Signs?” Etc. When you put yourself out there in business you have to set parameters for what you do and do not offer. Be clear, be concise. Know what it is you do best – and learn how to say no. In the end it saves you time, money and your sanity.

Lesson #3 – Done is better than perfect. For those of you who have started a screen printing company solo like this, you know just how difficult of a learning curve it can be. Very quickly being a great designer or printer become less important to your success than being a great manager of your time. Good screen printers are detail oriented. They have an eye for design, and so naturally we are or become somewhat of perfectionists. Being detailed is great. Being over-detailed is a nightmare. Learn how to let your quest for perfection slide. Don’t be inflexible. If it is 90% perfect to you – the customer will probably love it and see absolutely nothing wrong. Screen printers notice things most consumers don’t. If you have all the time in the world – go for it – grab that pen tool and surgically smooth out every anchor point to satisfy your OCD. But if you are under a deadline (which, let’s be real you always are) – get it to 90% perfect and burn the damn screens.

*Lesson #3A – (News flash) – There is no perfect; especially in business. One of the main things I would impart to new screen print shop owners is that you need to get ready to roll with the punches. Things will not be prefect, far from it. Things will go wrong every single day. Instead of freaking out every time there is a misprint or a package doesn’t arrive on time – learn how to control your reaction. After all, there is no use worrying about things that are out of your hands. Focus on what you can control and as Bruce Less famously said “Learn to be like water.”

Lesson #4 – No, you can’t just outwork everybody. I’m an optimistic person. I believe there is a window for anybody to succeed, and those who do are the ones who are able to find and maximize that window of opportunity. So when I started the business I thought that if I just worked harder than any other sane person was willing to work, then everything else would just fall into place. It’s true that growing a successful company takes an incredible amount of hard work, but what I didn’t understand at the time, was that hard work is not ALL it takes. It takes planning and processes. It takes being able to step back and rely on a team – you can’t do everything yourself. Set and know your boundaries, learn how to say no and be ok with less than perfect…a lot less.

Lesson #5 – Manage stress. You are not the President of the United States (although now maybe that seems like a realistic option) so don’t act like this is life and death. I used to lie in bed at night and be so stressed out about what deadlines I had to meet the next day that I would think I was having a heart attack. Developing the mental skills to calm your mind when things get hectic is important for everybody, and particularly for business owners. Whether its meditation, yoga, working out, jogging, going to the beach – whatever floats your boat; take time and develop the mental skills that will serve you well when the house inevitably catches on fire. Learn to be ok with fire, and know that as long as you are like water, you can put it out.

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