#most of all cannot wait to be watching worlds finals during each break between concert sets HAH <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[ambivartence]

i got it back!

[justasoftstan]

This Moment

Characters: Junhui x Reader

Genre/warnings: Angst. Little Fluff. Idol!Reader , Idol!Seventeen Jun

Word count: 1592 words.

The burden of being an idol. How does it really weight?

Is it heavy as the make-up you wear? Or the clothes and costume changes’ you wear?

Is it heavy as the harsh criticisms and training period you must endure?

Is it heavy as the burdens and problems you share with your members that you are leading?

Or is it on the opinions of the media and prying eyes of the public on you and your personal life?

How does a person can carry all of it without breaking their backs and crumbling down when everything else seems to fail? You do not know how, but you managed. Or trying not to crumble down. Not when you have other people to think. If you go down, they will go down too.

So, you close your eyes and take a deep breathe. Allowing yourself to be consumed by the energy coming from the screams and cheers of the people who supported you from the start. They are the exact reason you are standing there. The very people who helped you achieved your dream. The very people who spent their money and time to see you there. You have no excuse for petty problems you have in your life.

“5 MINUTES, BE READY TO BE ONSTAGE”. The shout from one of the directors distracted you from your thoughts, reminding you where you are. You scramble in the dark trying to find your way to your members before going onstage.

There they are, forming a circle. You squeezed in between them, “Sorry, I forgot were doing this.”

“Relax, Leader-nim. We are going to rock this stage tonight.” One of your members said with a reassuring smile. Earning a form of motivational cheering from other members. Well, it seems like you are not the only one nervous tonight.

You did a final speech hyping your members up before wearing the fake confidence you are forced to practice even in the corners of your practice room. Soon you are met by the thousands of people who came to spend their night to see you perform. Allowing their energy to consume you as give your best performing your songs and singing with your heart. It is one of those nights where feel all the energy and the emotions of your songs that feels like it is the only way to express your emotions. And as you prance around the stadium, you see familiar faces cheering alongside the fans. Despite being half-covered, you recognized their faces. It was Dino who you first recognized, shouting for your name when you made eye contact with him. Then he pointed out Jun, who is just a seat from him beside Hoshi. Your first instinct was to wave at them with a big smile. Then one of your members noticed you waving at some guys, and soon she was there beside you are waving along with you, even sending finger hearts at them.

Some fans around them took notice of this and start looking around them. Not long enough, they realized that 5 of the members from Seventeen are in their area. Loud screams from their area ignited as the news spread in that side of the venue. They did not go unnoticed by your other members and soon they are going on that side saying hello to the members of Seventeen. This made you nervous and self-conscious as you go on with your concert. It didn’t help when you heard a fan in the crowd say, “Yah! Seventeen is here watching the concert. Bet they are dating one of them.”

The weight of those words lingered on your mind as the light gone off and you descended backstage. Are we getting obvious? Are my actions getting easy to read? Did the fans know? Or did they just make an assumption? Thoughts are running in your mind as you are led into changing rooms for a quick costume change before the final part of the concert. The other members are cheerily sharing stories and funny encounters they had during the concert. One of them even saying she saw a fan screaming loudly because she saw seventeen not the dance break. This makes you even more nervous.

It is not a secret that your group and the seventeen are close. Despite not debuting at the same time, most of your members are the same age with the maknae line. Keeping a close relationship with the latter group. Fans even admire the senior and junior relationship your group have with them. But will they admire you still if they found out that you are dating one of their members? You just opt to expect the worst-case scenario. It is your members that only knows about your relationship with Jun. Not really trusting your outside circle and definitely not agency and the media. You would not take the risk.

Your change of demeanor does not go unnoticed by Jun when your group came back the stage for the final part of the concert. Your stiff posture and calculated moves, trying not to face their area are already a confirmation that you are avoiding interaction with them. He would not deny that this hurts him too. The weight of you being a leader is enough and he would not want to add another burden to you because this relationship between the two of you. He too, is scared if the media exposes your relationship, he will not want you to be hurt, he wanted to be your comfort, the one who will be there for you when the world crumbles down. Now he is having second thoughts if coming here for support added some stress in you. For him it is the only thing that he knows to express his love for you. Even if it is masked by being a senior in the industry in order to protect you.

Even your members did notice your stiff posture, constantly joining you on stage, putting their arms around you and being playful with you trying to cheer you up. It did cheer you up and you are thankful for the members deeply for being there always. You kept your energy up, trying all the things to keep that smile on your face. Until one of your ending songs came, the melody of the song undeniably makes people cry.

You probably will not know yet

How precious you are

I hope the you in you don’t forget

Your every moment, moment

If I tell you this, will you know

That the paths you’ve walked on are beautiful

If you pause for a while and look back you’ll know

The beautiful moments you’ve left behind

It feels like you are singing to yourself. The lyrics consumes your body, and you can’t help but to tear up.

Your every moment is all you

Wherever you’re standing

I will hug you so you won’t feel hurt

Just like the day you hugged me

I love all of your every moment, moment

Even if the day comes when I’m not by your side

Even if I remain just as a small piece of memory

I’m fine, they are all your moments

After the chorus you are full blown crying, you are thankful that you are placed behind the members so that the fans do not notice your tears and you try to wipe your tears away.

Just like the day you hugged me

Always like that day

I am thankful for having met you

Who left happiness in my life

I will remember this moment

No matter what hardships come

We will always be together

You remember this moment. This in front your fans, together with your members. Despite the burden of being an idol and the hardships you have to go through; you’ve found happiness in your life. From the encouraging words your fans, the overflowing love and support you receive from the people whom you do not even know personally. Even if you think you did not deserve any of this. You will definitely remember this moment. You will treasure it deeply in your heart. That is why you sing the last few parts of the song with that in mind.

Remember this moment, moment

This happiness that we discovered together

I will hug you so you won’t feel hurt

Just like how we’ve always done for each other

Even when the days we’ve been together become moments

And the days we were together all leave

Love the past days that we were each other’s moment

Every moment, moment

The concert ended well, and you cannot wait to go home and rest. When you and your members had gone backstage you are welcomed by a strong pair of arms, engulfing you in a tight hug.

“You did well. I am so proud of you. You deserved all the love that you receive, and I hope you don’t doubt yourself anymore.” Jun said softly in your ear as he gently swayed the two of you. Hearing those words, you hugged him tighter burying your head in chest. Muttering a couple of thank you’s. The two of you stayed like that a couple of seconds before Hoshi grabbed you out of Jun to hug you pouting playfully that you do not pay attention to him. You just laughed as your other members boo’ed him. This moment right here, together with your members and your loving boyfriend, you know that you have enough to face anything and share the burden of being an idol.

a/n: I really liked this imagine and spent my afternoon making this. This is by far the longest imagine that I wrote. The song I used is Moment by Apink.

- summer

Masterlist ┃ Navigation ┃ Requests

[wildchildvdm]

When you lose small mind, you free your life.

26.01 - 05.03

Two months ago.... everything changed since then.

I am sitting in my room while listening to this song with my headphones. I guess you are about to say “Hey girl, are you not too crazy for System of a Down? Look, you even named herself after Serj Tankian!”...

*Sits with crossed legs*

Come on, guys! Are you serious? I guess you don’t know me... But back to the topic I guess I am going back to run this blog, as I said I will run it in Italian when I am talking about my stories but in English when everything is going to be personal. I guess today I will write more...

Between January and today everything got totally changed especially on this day: January 26th. It was a pretty sad day I guess. I was surely happy to going to Gefrierbrand concert with Ninian, Daniel, Chris, Max etc... I thought I could be happy, y’know? Great bands, I really loved Dark Zodiak that day. Simone was a great woman and a truly sweetheart.

At least I had fun on this day, right?... I don’t think so.

I never liked Ninian’s companions. Most of them were really mean to me... But I was blind. For an entire year and seven months, Ninian didn’t treat me good. He was always accusing me, mind abusing me, making me feeling I am always wrong that I cry just for attention, that I exagerate and I am just mentally ill. I was just a dog who walked with an electric collar around the neck. I was just the lioness abused in a punk and junkies circus. I was mentally abused the whole time but at the same time I was blind, I smiled the whole time... Even when left me into the streets in the middle of the night. The streets in the city where I live are very dangerous, especially next to the train station when you can easily be victim of rape, especially as woman. Do y’all think is it right? And I still loved him even if he left me into the streets and letting me walking home alone. I loved him even if he was always insulting me and making me feeling like nothing. Was I maybe such a masochist? O just blind? He never showed interest on what I do, when I do music, when I write my poetries or my stories. 

Back in that night, wherever I walked I always told him where I am going. I finally met Lucio from The Italian Way (Check them out), I met Michi and her husband Matthias, I met the Gefrierbrand with their girlfriends and wives (Yannick is a forever alone). And wherever I went I always told Ninian. I talked to a “friend” of his, of course Gefrierbrand started play and I told him I was going inside to watching the band and I ran inside. During the concert I didn’t saw him. I asked Chris, I asked Daniel, I asked Max... But this last asshole was wasted as fuck. When I saw Ninian I told him that I was worried about him. He told me he cannot do whatever he wants because of my clingy behaviour... Maybe did I something wrong, again? Maybe... But I was just worried. He was pissed off and I started to hurt my arms and bite them having a panic attack. He was pissed off and cold. When the concert ended I helped and I hugged Yannick, he is a friend of mine I guess? But he came to me: “I am going home” “Hey take me with you with auto!” what Ninian told me that night? “There is no place for you in the car. Just walk alone at home.” I was broken when he went away. I just remember Yannick’s shocked face and trust me I still remember his words “You are a sweet and smart woman. You deserve better.” not just him... Even Mrs. Argast (his mother) and Bibi (Tom’s girlfriend). I remember how I cried that night, I almost died during that night.

Before I went away I did a photo with Simone from Dark Zodiak. Here you can see how I felt in that moment: happy that I have at least a photo but in my eyes I was devasted about what Ninian did that night and about what Yannick told me. I asked myself “Is he right about it?” I was awake till 3 AM, listening to the music I love and wiping my tears. I just have to do it.

That morning I broke up. I finally break free from that abusive relationship and told myself that it’s time to really rebirthing and not how I told here a month ago. Yes, Yeva was born... But not at all. I remeber he started to turn himself in the victim trying again to abusing of my mind with words like “Are you no thinking about what I did for you? I bought you everything. I did everything for you... And now you put our love into trash, again?” if I think about this now I laugh my fucking ass off. If you call that love... I call that an abusive relationship.

I passed the other half of january and the first half of february alone. I think that during Valentine’s Day time it just happened a...  miracle? I thought miracle were just on Christmas time. I had some panic attacks on that time sometimes just suicide thoughts (You don’t say, Yeva.) but that week before Valentine’s Day something happened.

I remember I sended too much friend request on my facebook account because of a group of alternative, punks, metalheads, gothic people etc... I forgot to see my friendship list where I found a guy dressed like a ‘80 rockstar. Just like he got out from a Steel Panther’s concert or just came in 2019 with a fucking time maschine like Back to the Future.

*Back to the future intensifies*

Tim. Yes, he is 8 years older than me! We started to chatting, we talked the whole week day and night. We did some videocalls through Skype, he lives just one hour from me, more and less. We decided to go on a date in a resturant here where I live. We already fell in love with each other during that week. I remember when he came home really elegant with 10 roses and red wine. I was surprisedY’know readers, we understand each other really good. He treats me like a queen, he listens to me, he is by my side and he makes me feel sure about everything that I don’t have to be afraid. On those last week I confess I cried, because NOBODY treated me like this. Sometimes I am afraid that I don’t deserve it, that I don’t deserve all this attention and love. I have been at his home last weekend and it felt so good by his side. I love sleeping in his arms, he told me that he cuddled me while I was sleeping for two hours. He caress me and takes my hand everytime, even when we are in the auto.

I met his group of friends: Jessi, Laura, Lilli, Miki, Ronnie, Uwe (an half german and half filipino mad for Tobias Sammet), Domi and the list goes on... They make me feel like home. I felt for a moment like that they will not like me, maybe because of my age. But I felt like home, really like home. I had fun and especially in the middle of the night we had some time for us. I didn’t drink much but I felt alive and I had too much fun with them.

Meeting his family last week was like playing chess. They were really cool with me and his mom likes me. I smile if I think about my boyfriend when he came to the bed and he told me everything his mom told him about me. I felt like home. Is this a new start? At least I can say yes.

We did each other some surprises but he did the biggest one... I remember once we talked about buying things online and he knew about that I have Serj’s book “Cool Gardens” and I had the luck to having it with his autograph but that I miss his second book “Glaring Through Oblivion” I remember when he told me to close my eyes and put the book into my legs. I was surprised and about to cry for a moment. I was surprised about it. I read always before bed while wearing his Immortal t-shirt (2-3 sizes bigger). 

Beside this, knowing what his ex did to him I promised myself to protect him and if here comes the time that his ex comes back surely I will kick her ass. Beside the bitch, I am rebirthing, but still not complete. It misses something...

Getting out from those fascist home. Pull more toxic people who thinks I am stupid or that I don’t know nothing or that I am stupid. Just one more year and if everything is going well (Sure it will) I will born again and telling myself that I am free. But every weekends I am already free while lying in his arms. Because his arms are already my home.

Two crazy months I guess...

My life is going on a good way. I still in my bed listening to the music I love, thinking about the man I love and now I know that world is less bastard. 

And you know what? In a week Goodbye Monsters have their very first gig! I can’t fucking wait.

SUGAR!

Yeva Tankian

[47mel47]

47mel47 Fanvid Masterlist: Kurt and Blaine

Thanks to @jackabelle73 for suggesting this little project.

These range from my most recent work (which is not all that recent) to my earliest works (and these are actually links to YouTube, not links to Tumblr posts, which goes to show how old. And they are also cringe, but hey, let’s celebrate what we've created, right?)

Glee| The Final Countdown: Top Five Kisses

I really felt this video needed some editing. Here are my improvements and suggestions.

Fearlessly and Forever (Kurt and Blaine)

From beginning to proposal. Their hands were meant to hold each other…

This Old Coffee Shop (Kurt and Blaine)

Their story, through coffee.

Five Times (Kurt and Blaine)

Love, music, hurt, laughter and life

I’ll See You In The Future (Kurt and Blaine)

To have and to hold from this day forward… and from these moments we know our favourite boys will- fearlessly and forever.

With No Regrets (Kurt and Blaine)

Getting to celebrate the wedding of two incredible people is magical. Celebrating the years leading up to the union? Even better.

Marry Your Best Friend (Kurt and Blaine)

Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with.

You Look So Good (Kurt Hummel)

Created for spaceorphan18 as part of her birthday shenanigans. Yes, I know that you appreciate Kurt for much more than this aesthetic value, but let’s face it, that aesthetic value is pretty damn awesome.

I Wear Your Grandad’s Clothes (Blaine Anderson)

And he looks incredible.

I Will Find Any Way (Kurt and Blaine)

Season six has really hurt with our two boys, but it has been oh so good.

We Light Up the World (Kurt and Blaine)

A celebration of those days that were early Klaine. Inspired by @todaydreambelievers Weekly Challenge: Original Song

Captured Your Heart (Kurt and Blaine)

Just a little vid reliving and celebrating seasons two to five with our favourite boys

But We’re Still Standing Tall (Kurt and Blaine)

Created for the Glee Hiatus Challenge Day 58: Favourite ship

Anywhere You Take Me (Kurt and Blaine)

Created for Glee Hiatus Challenge Day 150: Most romantic moment

Give My All To You (Kurt and Blaine)

We all know what Blaine was thinking during ‘All Of Me’- I just wanted to try and show it.

Crowd Me With Love (Kurt Hummel){created for Glee Hiatus Challenge Day 24: Favourite Season 4 Male Solo}

This performance was perfection. Chris Colfer and Kurt Hummel at their truly magnificent best. And while I have nothing to fault from the actual performance, I thought that the audience shots could use some tweaking.

After all, you cannot tell me that he did not cross his mind at least once during this song.

This Feels Like Falling In Love (Kurt and Blaine)

Created for Glee Hiatus Challenge Day 101: Favourite kiss

Throw Your Arms Around Me (Kurt and Blaine)

Created for Glee Hiatus Challenge Day 100: Favourite hug

All You Need (Kurt and Blaine)

Created for Glee Hiatus Challenge Day 74: Happiest moment

“So Kurt Hummel, my amazing friend, my one true love…will you marry me?”

“Yeah…yeah.”

Rhymed With My Body (Kurt and Blaine)

Because the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets… and sometimes it’s more.

Then and Now (Kurt and Blaine)

Befores and afters, highs and lows, comparison and contrast …” I wanna grow old with you”…

Miles From Where You Are (Kurt and Blaine)

No great love ever came without great struggle. No distance could ever completely come between these two.

I Am Not My Own (Kurt and Blaine)

An old video of mine that I never uploaded to YouTube, but given that it has been 3 years since ‘Original Song���, I thought I should celebrate.

Just Like When Harry Met Sally (Kurt and Blaine)

“It’s not easy putting your heart on the line, and baring your soul to someone you care about.” (Unknown)

You’re Still My Best Friend (Kurt and Blaine)

The phone call that told us everything was going to be ok. The point at which we moved from the dark to the light. The moment in which we knew we’d see them together again…soon.

A Moment of Affection (Kurt and Blaine)

“I wanna go to your house…”

The Light The Heat (Kurt and Blaine)

The way these two look at each other is so damn beautiful- I love that they can say so much, without a single word.

For Another Day (Kurt and Blaine)

There is hope for our boys. It has been dark and angsty and downright horrible, but now we are at the point where, I believe, we can just enjoy the ride these two are going to take on their journey back to each other.

We Could Have Had It All (Kurt and Blaine)

Let’s just call this…part of my catharsis? I just had to get this out. Focusing on eps 3x03 and 3x04.

You Were My Original (Kurt and Blaine)

This much history, this many memories- there is no way any of it can be forgotten or swept aside. They are endgame. That is all.

Where My Demons Hide (Blaine Anderson)

To me, there are so many things that have been left undeveloped with Blaine. We were introduced to this strong and confident characters, and then little by little we were hit with these tiny clues. The unsupportive father, victim of a hate crime etc. And then, of course, there was what went down in ‘The Break Up’. There is a darker side to this character, he has his demons, and I can only hope that in the aftermath of the last episode, we get to explore and understand this character a lot more.

You’re Like A Party (Kurt and Blaine)

Happy, sweet and beautiful moments- it is what we all need at the moment…

Such A Long Way To Go {2x06} (Kurt and Blaine)

So, with all the feels that we are certainly experiencing at the moment, I wanted to take it back and remember when it all began. *Sigh*…

You Made Me Believe (Kurt and Blaine)

So, after seeing the latest episode (Makeover), and the previews for the next, I just needed to focus on some happy memories…

I Will Wait For You (Kurt and Blaine)

Just playing with the whole NYADA, New York storyline…

Throw Me A Line (Kurt Hummel)

A video exploring the early episodes of season two. Our boy really copped it, however, there were moments that I believed shoed that he was not as alone as he might have thought…

I Don’t Know Just Where You Came From (Kurt and Blaine)

These two are born performers- I could watch them sing and dance all day…

Make Me Happy (Kurt and Blaine)

So, many, many rumours are flying about season 4, but I hold complete faith that these two are endgame. This vid shows that- that no matter what, these two do make each other happy and will continue to do so.

Story Through Song (Kurt and Blaine)

So, I had this plan to tell the story of these two, through snippets of the songs they perform on the show. The way it played out in my head was completely different to the final product, but I still think it worked out- I will just have to wait and see what any viewers think.

You Will Find Me (Kurt and Blaine)

A collection of Klaine, from seasons 2 and 3. The dialogue plays out chronologically, while the visuals are a mish-mash of moments.

Hear Your Heart (Kurt and Blaine)

The early days. While I love watching these two together, there is still something so sweet about the time we were all waiting anxiously for it to happen.

The Reason Why You’re Around (Kurt and Blaine)

These boys make me laugh. Just a little vid revisiting some of the giggle and laugh out loud moments. Pure joy.

Do That Brand New Thing (Blaine Anderson)

The boy is adorable, and I just want to celebrate that.

The World Belongs To You and I (Kurt and Blaine)

Klaine moments- from the kiss in 2.16, up to episode 3.18. A bit of a companion piece for my ‘I Keep Waiting’ vid.

What Is Love? (Kurt and Blaine)

Klaine-every relationship had it’s ups and downs. It’s those tough moments that make the great ones all the much more sweeter.

I Keep Waiting (Kurt and Blaine)

All the wonderful, amazing and somewhat angsty Klaine moments- from episode 2.06 to 2.16.

Bedroom Hymns {3x05} (Kurt and Blaine)

A video exploring all the Klaine moments from the amazing episode that was ‘The First Time’.

Move Your Feet (Blaine Anderson)

Just a fun little vid, focusing on our favourite moves from the one and only Blaine Anderson- from the smooth to the downright dorky.

Space They Cannot Touch (Kurt and Blaine)

So, I am addicted to these two, and am having a good time experimenting with making these fanvids. The used comes from the amazing Kate Miller-Heidke. I remember hearing it for the first time, and falling absolutely in love with it- the lyrics are so incredibly beautiful. To make it even better, the first time I saw her in concert, she informed the crowd that it was actually her husband who wrote it. Luckiest woman alive…

Anyway, I just felt the lyrics were so perfect to showcase the Klaine relationship and could not resist.

[m-osaicbrokenhearts]

18th February 2009, you showed up just in time.

This was the day I fell in love with you and your music. It was the day your interview on Loose Women aired in the UK. I remember sitting at my grandma’s house and she was already watching the show. She called me into the room to watch it with her because you reminded her of me. Our matching blonde curls. I’d heard of you before, Love Story and how you were trying to break the UK, but prior to this day… I didn’t really admire you. I thought Love Story was a stupid country song, and being 12 years old it was NOT COOL to like country music. But seeing you talk and perform on the TV, I fell in love. When I got home that evening, I started researching you on the family computer. I needed to know who you were & began memorising the lyrics to all of the songs you’d already released.

THAT WAS JUST THE START.

When I quote you, “You showed up just in time.” You literally showed up during a pretty bad year of my life, the first of many more to come. Losing friends is never easy but with something new and so comforting (your music) it made everything that little bit easier. Fearless made me find my feet as a teenager, losing friends and having to find a new “group of people” to call my own. Spending most evenings and even during classes, doodling your lyrics over notepads and school books.

The day Speak Now came out, I waited eagerly for my mum to come home with it as i just couldn’t wait for another chapter of beautiful songs. The Speak Now era is when I got to see you and hear your beautiful voice live for the first time. My mum managed to buy last minute tickets for a small fortune, as a surprise gift, for struggling my way through my first set of exams. This was the time when depression really took its first grasp of me. It grabbed me, manipulated me and made me torture myself mentally and physically.. At the concert, being surrounded by so many people who loved you as much as I did, it made me feel home and i felt euphoric. Speak Now helped me a lot through depression, it understood me and I trusted it to know how low I was feeling, because I never told anyone. It was just me and you.

When Red came around, I had pretty much established the people around me were temporary. The exclusion I got on a day to day basis was made easier. I made a lot of friends during this era, friends that I unfortunately no longer speak to very much. But they are still mutuals, and will still support each other through social media likes. Which is more than can be said for those real life “friends”. So thank you for that.

I also got to see you again during this era. The Red Tour. And what a tour it was. I swear you get better every time. My mum tagged along again, and we made a weekend of it.

During the gap between Red and 1989, my life turned upside down once more. This time I had been anticipating it. School had finished, and finally those strings that once pulled me down, taunted me and excluded me, they were gone. Cut ties, utter bliss. Living in the real world, finding my feet as a new adult. Finding a job, ending a very negative and manipulating relationship.

When 1989 came out, it brought a newer sound to my life. But it fitted in and helped me just like all the others. This is the soundtrack of my life. (But Speak Now is my fave; fyi) 1989 reminds me of the lonely autumn months Inspent to and from my job in the horrid town centre on the bus. What a anxiety triggering experience, every day. But with 1989 in my ears, everything was better. I had high hopes to see you again in this era, with my best friend. We wanted to dress up as characters from wonderland, but odds were against us..

I cannot wait for this new era. I have high hopes to see you once more, and ambitious dreams that one day I can thank you to your face for everything your music has helped me through.

As of most recent and filling the void between 1989 and Reputation, I’ve been driving to and from work with your music on replay.

State of Grace has always been close to my heart if you couldn’t tell by my blog name. The line “we learn to live with the pain” has always been very relatable, being introverted and easily manipulated but never really stood up for what i believe in/ what is best for me. But when listening carefully, it has a different meaning. I am now chronically ill, yet to get a diagnosis. I am constantly fatigued, and in a lot of pain. I grin and bare it, pretend like I’m not in pain, I battle on because others around me don’t understand and don’t want to try to. I have always wanted this lyric tattooed on me somewhere, more so now than ever before. And would love it in your handwriting, after everything your music has done for me. 

Suppose I better wrap this up now, congrats if you got to the end. Maybe if our paths cross Incan thank you for your music, but also congratulate you for reaching the end of my brain splurge.

Your music helped me through the toughest years of my life, of me hating myself, finding out who I was, finding out the people around me weren’t who they told me. It made me get back up on my feet.

Thank you, Taylor. ( @taylorswift )

I love you more than anything.

xx

*********update: i’ll be at BOTH london wembley stadium shows********

london night 1: left snake pit

london night 2: a3, row r, seats 21-22

[revlatte]

Can I Be Me?

It goes without saying that almost everyone that knows me is aware of my love and devotion to Nippy, Whitney Elizabeth Houston. It was a national tragedy when she transitioned from this life 8 years ago. Devastating. 

Since her passing, there have been several documentaries about her life and the struggles she faced with sexuality, belonging, and just being herself. Sidenote: My belief is that Clive Davis collaborated with Nick Gordon to intentionally murder. She had recently signed the largest music contract to date for $100 million and ten years. Almost destitute, Clive Davis advanced her quite a bit of this money, only for her still to be in financial trouble at the end of her life. It was very clear to Davis (and the world) that “The Voice” was gone. Instead of the effortless long notes and melodies to which the world was accustom, we received broke, short, notes pregnant with despair and suffering. For Davis, the predatory music producer, there would certainly be no return on his investment. Tours and music deals had been canceled. What a flop?

I believe it was at this time that Davis began to have conversations about how to reconcile this issue. For Davis and Arista, Whitney was worth far more dead than alive. Alive, she was an embarrassment and liability. 

Nick Gordon stood to benefit from the fall of N. Once she was gone, Bobbi Kristina (Whitney’s daughter) would inherit the money. As N’s long term “adopted” son, Nick had become very close with both N and Bobbi Kris. Sure ‘nough, after Nippy died, Bobbi Kris and her Aunt (damn her, too!) took control of Nippy’s limited assets. 

A few short years later, Bobbi Kris died in the same way... head down, in a hot tub. Common denominator: Nick Gordon. 

And just a few years after Bobbi Kris’ untimely and suspicious death, Nick Gordon died in the *same* way as Bobbi Kris and Nippy. But, ya know, Clive Davis and the music industry had nothing to do with the elimination of Whitney and her daughter from the face of the planet. Just hours before his death, Nick Gordon was consumed with the death of his late “fiance”/ wife, tweeting about the circumstances around her death.

Nevertheless, Whitney could not escape from the shadow of her past. She had a very colorful period (if not demise) during her long-term relationship with R&B’s Bad Boy, Bobby Brown. It was a disaster from the start. Whitney and Bobby’s collective drug use, spending, child neglect, and acting out was painful to watch. They were toxic, codependent, and just... terrible. I do wonder what friends stepped in, assisted, attempted to break the cycles and illuminate the destruction. 

Friendship can make the difference between life and death, success and failure, pain and sorrow or joy and liberation. Friendship. Being known. Being seen. Being loved unconditionally. Being enough. 

As many Nippy friends recall, CeCe Winans sang “Count on Me” with Nippy on the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack. It’s the last song that plays, after a year of watching these four Black women, on their New Year’s Eve together. As many know, Nippy and CeCe were long term friends. In fact, N made sure that CeCe and BeBe were professionalizing their performances, had the appropriate outfits, and supported them emotionally, financially, and spiritually. CeCe has done all but to distance herself from Whitney. In fact, I recently attended a concert where she did not acknowledge, in her autobiographical comments from the stage, anything about the friendship with Nippy or how she supported them. Instead, “safe” and “more appropriate” reference points were offered to the packed, almost exclusively Black, audience. 

And where was CeCe during Whitney’s downfall? Why couldn’t we offer the same level of support, compassion, and understanding to Whitney that we offer the countless white women who flood our screens with their housewife and reality TV shenanigans? Whitney, once America’s Sweetheart, was demonized and vilified in our press and collective conscious. I can only imagine how this must have felt. 

Through it all, Whitney denied herself time and time again to be of service (and profit) to others. One documentarian excavated, from Nippy’s life, one of her favorite refrains, “Can I Be Me?” Nippy just wanted to be “normal” and live a life that focused on family and joy. But everywhere she went, she found herself. She could not escape the mistakes, pain, or tragedy of her past. She was always gazed upon through the lens of failure and judgment; or at least that is how it seems from my vantage point. 

Without doubt, Whitney experienced trauma and abuse. Whitney made mistakes. Whitney, like many Americans, struggled with addiction, self-worth, and mental health. And guess what, she made mistakes and bad decisions along the way. 

But, she “found her own strength” and began to rebuild herself. Though she was not the best actor, indisputably, she put her all into this career and vocation. She found excitement and joy with having meaning and purpose again. She was connected and surrounded by a community of people who loved her, kept her well, were gracious, compassionate, understanding, and loved her unconditionally. That sense of purpose, meaning, and respect was life changing for Nippy. After many years of struggle and heart break, a musical career that was near its end, she was beginning to find her way, home, again. 

And just like that, she slipped through the cracks. Just when she started to live life on her own, for her fulfillment of joy and liberation. 

But when she died, the news outlets and headlines flooded with Whitney’s past, drug use, relationship scandals, and negativity. I was sickened to my core. My stomach turned over. Even in death, there was still a need to vilify her living. Yet, this occurred while simultaneously taking pauses from our national news cycle to honor her accomplishments and living. It’s a particular type of dark schizophrenia that, unfortunately, we have all become used too. 

And oh, don’t I know it too well. 

Let me be clear: I have made mistakes (even recently!). I had made bad decisions. My poor decision making has harmed myself and others. At times, I have been ambivalent about life and endeavored to self-assassinate (an attempt at humor). In these moments of feeling low, not being able to manage my mental health, and feeling disconnected, I could not see a way out of the desperation of despair that consumed my spirit. I struggled with my addiction, acting out, and codependency. I was a mess. A whole ass, fucking mess. 

Then one day, I hit a bottom, finally, and looked at myself. Puffy eyed, tears streaming down my face, I stumbled to get off the cold floor as my friend helped pick me up. I was so caught in despair and hopeless that I punched a whole into the bedroom wall by the closet. Then, we walked to the bathroom to clean up. I just wanted everything I could not have. As I started into the mirror, I saw the person looking back at me in a new way. “ENOUGH!” I yelled. “STOP!” I screamed. This. Is. Bottom. No more of this. No more living like this. No more chaos. No more fuckery. No more drama. 

The lyrics and melodies of Nippy lifted me, as usual, from a place of hopelessness and despair to a renewed sense of hope and eventually peace. It’s been several months and at least three seasons since that day. Each day gets a bit easier, though, healing is not linear. 

As I attempt to stabilize my life and build new patterns of being in the world, I am called to consider the questions for the liberation of my soul:

- Is this decision/action life nourishing?

- How does X increase my wellness?

- How is/are these Ys in alignment?

I’ve developed new patterns, routines, and supports to facilitate in my recovery. And, I feel new, loved, revived. 

All of this as I am still navigating the complex web of trauma and lived experience. So much trauma. It is overwhelming to consider at once. The last 8 years have been a learning experience of understanding and coping with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), which is different and nuanced than PTSD. How can I be me when I’m trapped in trauma cycles?

The last several months have been devoted to uncovering, recognizing, and transforming these cycles. However, it is hard to stabilize if you do not have a physical home... It is difficult to find peace when you cannot do the basics of supporting yourself because you cannot find gainful and meaningful employment (that, in and of itself is embarrassing, humiliating, and defeating)... It’s hard to live in the shadow of  failed businesses that were supposed to provide means for collective economics and liberation. And sometimes, it’s just hard to get out of bed. 

But most of all, it’s difficult to be in recovery, start a new life, and be a transformed soul on the path of healing, wellness, and recovery when people only see you through your past, trauma, chaos, fuckery, drama, and pain. Completing simple tasks, like adjusting resumes, performing job searches, trying to find community, and authentically connecting require so much emotional labor that it’s overwhelming. And instead, I do nothing, relive former trauma, and am reminded of how far outside the web of mutuality and interconnectedness I feel. I can see and watch the people I formerly knew, shared meals with... folks that stayed in my home... folks that I considered family... build and find joy, anew. I observe networks forming, shaping, and shifting and me being there to watch from the outside. Or the folks that you affiliate with all going on and planning trips together, engaged on group chats, hanging out and you just never being enough to be included. It fucking sucks. I can only imagine what Nippy must have felt. Can I Be Me?

How do we share with people who have written us off, who have sent us messages that end with “wishing you all the best” but don’t contact me again, to the people who said we’ll never be different... that I am healing. And recovering. And getting well. And not to judge me for my past, mistakes, fuckups, and chaos? To allow me to show them that I am better? How do we create spaciousness for both brokenness and healing simultaneously?

Here I am... again. Wondering, wishing, waiting. As my folks approach retirement, I realizing that enough is enough. It is time for me to settle down, do the same thing, get in a career, align with vocational calling, and build a future for me and my family. BUT, how does one do this when the networks of people with whom I was formerly connected just see me as deviant? A monster? Not enough? Too emotional? Too much? When you know that before you even touch the knob of the door, it will never be opened and there ware no windows that will open either. In many ways (incarceration, housing instability, lack of depth within social network, financial instability, failed relationships, closed doors to job opportunities), I am constantly being reminded that I am an outsider, unwelcome, not enough, under valued, not respected, and no... I cannot be me. 

Whitney, as we enter the season where we remember your life and transition, I am grateful for you. I see you, fully. You and I are made from the same dust and will return to the dust from which we were made. 

Here’s to hoping that someday, we’ll all be free.

[blog-of-a-multitude-of-fandoms]

See You Later- Hana ‘D.Va’ Song

Pairing: Hana Song x Reader

Characters: Hana Song

Warnings: Mentions of death

Request: N/A

Word Count: 2701

Author: Aaron

Did they really think this would work? Just because we were the “elite gamers” of the world they thought they could shove us in some mechs to fight the omnics? They were sending us to our death and they knew it. It wasn’t really like you had much of a choice though, mom and dad would disown you if you disobeyed the government’s orders and turned your back on our “great nation”.

     That is how you ended up here anyway. One day you were sat in the comfort of your bedroom, putting off homework and making your way up the StarCraft grandmaster ladder, the next you are picked up by a government car and thrown in front of the South Korean military leader.

     The room is surprisingly casual looking. Pictures are hung on the wall depicting the man in front of you with various celebrities, a huge smile plastered across his face in every single one. He had a much different demeanour now. His stern stare struck fear into not only you, but the rest of the group you were standing with. Next to the man’s desk stood a large curtain, containing something of an indeterminable size.

     You recognizable all of them as various streamers and gaming personalities, most of them you had collaborated with in some way over the years. Of course they couldn’t have the top gamers of South Korea without having … her. If you were not asleep, you were playing StarCraft, if you were not playing StarCraft or asleep, you were probably watching her play StarCraft. There was no way she was human. Her APM was the highest the world had ever seen, her determination was admirable and her lack of mercy was … quite intimidating actually. There was no top tier competition she hadn’t won, no player she had not defeated. She also had the most followers and subscribers of any subscriber. All at the age of 19.

     The rather intimidating man coughed and the general mumble of chit-chatter around the room went deathly silent.

     “Now …”

The man started to speak, his voice was much whinier than you had expected for a man of his size and stature.

     “I am sorry we had to rush all of you out here … I am sure you were all very … busy with your video games but we have a very serious issue. I am sure you are aware that our self-piloting MEKAs were shut down by the omnics … who am I kidding, everybody knows, blasted talon and their informants. Anyway, I am sure you are aware that our self-piloting MEKAs were shut down by the omnics and our engineers have not yet found a solution. The next solution we found was to adjust the MEKAs to be able to contain pilots, who will control the MEKA from the inside, and we want you all to pilot them.”

 The curtain in the middle of the room dropped to reveal a MEKA, the gargantuan metal beast must have stood ten foot tall. The chassis shining in the sunlight peaking in through the window, the two cannons on either side of the monstrosity would be enough to strike fear in the coldest of opponents.

“This will not be an easy task, you will stay here on a six month dedicated training program. You will not be allowed to see your family and you will not be allowed to leave, we cannot promise that you will make it out of this war alive, but we will equip you with the equipment and training needed to give you the best possible chance. If you wish to leave and never speak of this again, feel free. We will not contact you again and you will face no reparation”

Most of the group left. It was only you, Hana and a few oddballs left in the room. What made you stay? Who the fuck knows at the point but if it meant you got to spend time with THE Hana Song, you were all for it.

“So … you have decided to stay. You do realize what will follow is a 6 month training program dedicated to learning how to pilot and fight with this MEKA. If you do not see this MEKA in your sleep we have not been doing our job right, like I said. This will be the hardest six months of your life so far and after that it will not get any easier. Now go, Director Konu will take you to your accommodation. Your family have packed your essentials which will be waiting for you once you get there.”

You started walking to the accommodation with Director Konu and the other few standing members of your party. Director Konu was a very scary looking man. Your stereotypical secret service agent. Bald, sunglasses, black suit, you know the type.

You scuttle to the side of Hana and grab her attention.

“So … Hana Song right?” You can feel your hands start to sweat profusely.

“That’s right!” She proclaims, a huge smile slapped across her face as always. “You must be Y/N? I have watched you from time to time, not that I get much downtime.” She goes to shake your hand as you are walking.

“That’s me” You say proudly, you try to wipe the sweat off of your hand on your trouser leg without her seeing before outstretching your hand.

She knocks your hand out of the way with hers.

“Don’t be silly” She proclaims as she wraps her arms around you. You return the favour and after a few seconds she lets go.

“I think we’re going to have so much fun here, it’s going to be good to put my years of experience to good use! I am surprised I have already made a friend too!” She gives you a large cheesy grin before running ahead to be first into the accommodation.

The dorms were extremely … bland and uniform. Every part of the room was the same as the last. Bed, small table with a lamp and a footlocker at the foot of the bed. Hana swiftly started lining the walls with various posters, mainly Starcraft related. The occasional poster of Lucio was dotted around as well.

“Do you like this guy?” She asked, looking at you.

“Yeah, we move together as one is like my favourite song of all time, obviously I know you are a fan, you play his stuff all the time on your stream, we should go to a concert of his once were done here or something.” You look down at the floor and hold your hands together after realizing you pretty much asked THE Hana Song out on a date.

“Sure! I would love to, just give me a date and a time!”

You couldn’t believe the answer. Did she actually say yes or are you just stuck in another dream?

The next stop after being settled in was the introduction. Director Konu stood in front of a chalkboard.

“The rules here are simple. Number one …” He drew a number one on the chalkboard “You will do what we say, when we say it. You are not allowed to ask questions when given an order. Number two … contact with the outside world is prohibited. There will be no letters sent, no calls made. I think you get the point. Number three … You have your schedules. You will not break from this schedule. You will attend the classes on your schedule at the time they are marked. There is no reason for you to miss a class. If you believe you have a reason, you come to me. Number four … there will be no relationships between students here.” You and Hana look at each other, you knew this would be the case, but you hoped it wouldn’t be.

“There are no exceptions to this rule. If you break any of these rules at any point any of your senior officers have a right to remove you from the program.”

  The man behind the desk was not lying. The six months that followed were nothing but hell. That damn MEKA took over our being 24/7. The only break we got was during sleep and that was sparse, we were lucky to get a few hours on most nights. You quickly got sick of the wretched thing. You had a feeling you should have pulled out when you were given the chance. The only thing that kept you in this program and a sane mental state was her.

You would lock eyes with her multiple times per day, staring and getting lost into the abyss that were her golden eyes. They played and danced in the sunlight keeping you enthralled for hours, they made seconds feel like an eternity.

 The other members of the group had either been injured or had broken the rules, you could never tell if they did it intentionally or were just sick of the program and wanted out.

       Over the six months of the program, you and Hana had gotten very close. You would talk about your lives back home and your StarCraft careers every chance you had got, reminiscing of a much easier time for the both of you. There would be times where you would just stare deeply into each other’s eyes, wishing deeply that you had met under different circumstances, circumstances that would allow you to be together.

       It was definitely not an easy ride but tomorrow was graduation. You would finally get to see your parents and have a short stay back home before starting service under the Korean military. You see Hana sat on the edge of her bed, tissues strewn across the bed. You decide to sit down next to her, you only have about half an hour before your family are coming to pick you up so you decide to make the most of it with her.

       “What’s up buttercup?” You ask, speaking softly.

       “I’m just going to miss you so much” She replied through the tears and through a very, very snotty nose. This was not the most attractive side of Hana you had seen over the course of your time together. She buried her face into your shoulder and cried uncontrollably, her usual happy exterior had vanished, she still managed to crack the occasional smile before breaking into more crying. You felt tears start to form in your eyes too. You two had made great plans for when you had finished the program. You would finally get to be together, you would finally be able to have her as your own.

“I will be back soon, remember what I said. There are no goodbyes, just see you laters.”

Hana nodded and a small crease started to appear in the corner of her mouth where a smile was forming.

Your eyes locked as you wiped the tears away with your hand and cupped her cheek with your hand. You both apprehensively leaned in. You had waited six long months for this moment. You knew that it was against the rules and if anybody caught you, it was the end of your career, but it just felt so right. You could start to feel her breathing on your mouth. It was heavy and shaky. Your lips touched at last.

        Suddenly sirens started going off in the dormitory, breaking the serenity of the moment. You had been warned that if omnics attacked and broke the perimeter, the sirens would go off and you would have to mount the MEKA immediately to address the threat. You did not want to pull yourself away from Hana but you know that you both had to act fast. You wiped away her tears one last time before grabbing her hand and running to the MEKA storage unit. Throwing your suitcase onto the floor.

         You and Hana both mounted your MEKA units, Hana’s face had quickly turned from sadness to an anger you had never seen on her before. The hatch above you opened and you boosted out of the storage unit. You had spent six months living, breathing and eating this MEKA, and now was finally your chance to put those skills to the test. Hopefully it was not all a waste.

         On the other side of the hatch was a small sea of omnics of all shapes and sizes. There was no chance that the two of you could possibly survive this ruthless onslaught, but there was no point in giving up now.

          “You take the left, ill take the right” you command to Hana via the MEKA’s radio system. She always was the superior pilot to you, from day one. She excelled at every test and every practical exam just as she had flown through every other aspect of her life. The next few hours that followed were unlike anything you had ever seen in any video game before. Gigantic balls of metal flew through the sky at breakneck speeds, you feel like there was not a time that you weren’t surrounded by explosions of some kind. The sky turned shades of orange and grey you had never seen before. You had no idea how you were going to make it through. The omnics did not stop, they were relentless. It was just wave after wave after wave of omnic that you thought was never going to end.

         You thought all was going well until taking a nasty blow to the side the chassis that threw you into a wall. You thought you were okay until looking at your heads up display. The blow had taken out your engine. There was no way you were getting out of here alive.

You searched for Hana, she was a few hundred feet away, around where you had originally been struck.

      “H…Hana, you need to get out. Get to safety, I can take it from here.” You call across the radio. It gets harder for you to speak through all the smoke. Your control panel is covered in blood and so are you. The front of the MEKA is completely smashed, the nanofibre acrylic front panel that you had spent so long shining was now in about a million pieces and was surrounding you. Digging into your hands and legs.

       “And how do you plan on doing that - I SAID GET OFF ME - you smartass?” Hana shouted down the microphone.

       “Do you remember that command the director told us?” You only had a few minutes of life left in you and you had to make it count.

       “No Y/N, you can’t do it... please… we can both make it out of here alive, I pro-”

       “NO” You snap at Hana, it hurts you to lash out at her, both physically and emotionally “Leave, I can buy you some time to get out of here before I execute the command.”

       “Y/N … please, don’t do this” The pain in her voice was apparent, you hated to see her sad but it was the only way either of you could make it out.

       “Please Hana, go on, do great things, you are destined for them.”

       “Okay Y/N, you can have your way, I’ll never forget you…”

You climb out of what was once your MEKA and stand on the crumpled chassis. You wave your hands in the air. “Hey, you stupid bots, you want me so badly? Come get me!”

        The sea of bots turn around to look at you, you can’t move as you are paralyzed with fear as they come charging towards you. You find it within yourself to move and crawl inside the MEKA.

         You see Hana flying away in the distance. Kicking away one last omnic before she departs into the distance. You wipe the blood off of the control panel to reveal the only few buttons that can save you now.

“Self-destruct sequence initialized”     

“Goodbye Y/N, at least you will go down as you wanted, a hero …” Hana called out over the radio system.

“Self-destructing in 5…4…3...”

“Remember, there are no goodbyes, just see you laters. I love you.”

“3…2…”

“I love you too”

“1”

[laurapausinifinland]

Anni miei

I still carry a very distinctive memory of something that happened to me 23 years ago as a 7-year-old. It was one of my daily routines with my mom, watching american soap opera ”Bold and the Beautiful” when during one of the commercial breaks there was Laura with the album ”Laura” and ”Gente”, ”Strani Amori” or something like that. I just remember the voice, the sweet melody and the pretty girl sitting on a beige cushion. And how it all hit me. It was love at first listen, at first look or however you wanna think of it...anyhow the feeling hasn’t faded in 23 years.

Then, ”Laura” album and especially the song ”Amori Infiniti” were my ultimate favourites and in fact for many years to come after that. Never getting old though how much time would go by. The melodies, the voice and lyrics I’d always go back to. The tunes of my childhood. I literally listened the same album for another seven years because I was totally unaware of any other LP albums being released until it was time for another tv-commercial this time about ”Tra Te e Il Mare”. Needless to say how I adored to hear again the familiar voice and sounds that had gone stronger during the years. Eagerly I translated the lyrics to Finnish with a dictionary in my hand and zero Italian classes in my head.

Tra Te e il mare, 2000

The following ”The Best of: E Ritorno da Te” was basically a brand new album for me! While waiting for her English album to be published I collected slowly her albums along the years.. some were harder to find in Finland than others. But I was learning her story. With her singing I also discovered the beauty of Spanish and Italian languages which I began later to study. With ”From the Inside” I remember the fresh sound brought by the language change. I loved it how I didn’t need a dictionary anymore to understand what she was singing about! And even though she hadn’t written any of the songs on the album I still recognized her. Her image had changed but it was still her. Even today I’m still the most saddest about this album not being as successful as it should have deserved to be. But even without the chart success she is equally amazing singer and performer also in English.. or in any language she chooses to sing. Americas, UK, the entire English speaking market – you have no idea what you’re missing.

”Resta in Ascolto” was the first album I remember to have really been waiting for. I remember the excitement of hearing the first 30 sec. of the title song and finally seeing the music video for the first single. How carefully I listened the album and its every note when I finally had it in my hands. I loved it already then but who knew how much more these songs would mean to me during the years to come. These were the days when I started to think about my own LP page for the first time. But with a lack of technical skills and social media the idea stayed as just as an idea.

Come se non fosse stato mai amore, 2004

In 2006 Laura was a Grammy and a Latin Grammy winner. I knew these awards meant so much more on national level in Italy but my joy and pride were dedicated only for her as a person and as an artist who had created something amazing and really deserved the credit, on an international level for that. On ”Io Canto” I was one of those who had never been exposed the poetry and beauty of the music Laura had chosen on the album. It was educating, refreshing and eyes opening. Not only in Laura’s musical life but also in Italian music in general. She sounds so amazing when she gives in to someone else’s writing. There’s something very fragile and emotional compared to when she sings her own pieces. After being a fan of 12 years I finally joined to the official fan club.

Before 2007 San Siro Stadium did not say much to me, especially since I don’t watch football. At all. I did not understand the fuss around the concert but when the DVD/CD came out… from the first notes on – I knew. I think there will not be a concert or a live release that could top San Siro 2007. Even today I cannot watch it without crying at the end. The emotion tops over everything even through tv screen - nevermind that your favourite song isn’t included or the camera crew was kind of lost for the entire evening.. the faults don’t count. It would also be the one (out of the live releases) I’d recommend to someone who’s never seen or heard of Laura before. All the essential parts are there.

Una storia che vale - live 2007

Personally ”Primavera in Anticipo” predicted what was coming to me in my personal life. During these years Laura visited Finland for several times, doing concerts and promo visits but I had not gone to any of them. Because I was shy, because I was young and did not know anyone else who’d like her music too. I literally kept her in a closet and only a few people knew about my passion for her. I was different than the other teens and I avoided bumping into opposite opinions that I didn’t wanna hear. So I kept all of this to myself.

But on May 20th in 2009, it was Wednesday. The day had come when I would see her live for the very first time in my life. 15 years after falling in love with her on the album ”Laura”. I did not take a single photograph nor video. I couldn’t. Too distracting. I was just 100% on concentrated staring at her, listening to her, memorizing every sound, gesture and move she made. I was blown away by her presence and voice. Unable to believe that I was actually breathing the same air with her and sitting only a few meters away from her. I cried during the first songs. I sang with her every note until the end but I can only remember a handful of moments during the concert lasting over two hours. The most beautiful ones of my life which I thought for a long time would never happen. But it did happen. And again. On October 1st, seven years ago I traveled to Rome, Italy to attend the official Fan Club Party. The one and only I’ve ever been to. Another unique experience. I met so many people I had met online, on the FC forum who’d become my friends in real life too without never meeting them face to face. Some I haven’t met again since but the feeling of friendship is still very much alive.  

In 2011 I was in a crossroads and going through a difficult stage in my life and so I was not ready for ”Inedito”’s optimism and maturenes. It took me two years to understand the beauty of this album and to feel the words as my own. And how important it was to have these songs by my side when I was going through the things I did. Today it remains one of the best works of Laura and I find it criminal that it wasn’t at least nominated for Latin Grammy as its three predecessors.  

Mi tengo, 2011. 

As what it comes to her 20th anniversary release ”Greatest Hits” I couldn’t have imagined it to be done in any better way. It was so respectful for the old, but still with a modern touch adding new depth to the familiar songs and including even some of her less known work but which have shaped her career. It was such a perfect release! In 2014 I had my own 20th anniversary with her.

Between 2011-2014 I met Laura three times briefly, in Spain, UK and Canada. No words can describe these encounters but I gotta try at least. To meet the woman who’s voice has been speaking to me for 20 years. Whose words, emotions, melodies and music have been accompaning me for every step of the way. Hers as much as mine. Songs that were maybe a bit too adult for a 7-year-old to understand I listen today with a different perspective and wisdom.

In 2014 I did what I’ve always wanted to do: created my own LP page. Even though it’s a FB one but at least it’s technically do-able for me and maybe even better way to reach people in these days than a traditional website. I wanted and still want to create a place for Finnish and international LP fans around the world where to go crazy about the most and least favorite LP songs, facts, albums, lyrics, stories, videos, translations, photos etc. Besides of FB I have a similar Tumblr page also. On Youtube and Spotify I love to create different playlists. I put a lot of effort, time and thought on my posts and I appreciate every like and comment people give even though without single reaction I do create these posts mainly for my own pleasure. My site isn’t one of those fastest growing like the Spanish/Italian speaking ones on FB but I’m proud of every 1015 (I have at the moment) friends I have.

”Simili” did ”Inedito” to me. In 2015, again I was in a difficult spot in my life. Even though I didn’t exactly feel simili I still realized its greatness. The diversity between musical genres. Richness in lyrics, using talented new songwriters bringing a fresh sound. The songs grew in me for much after its release. And like ”Inedito” I hold it one of the or maybe the THE deepest and most mature LP album so far.

As the 3-year-anniversary of my FBpage  I wanted to share my childhood favourite ”Amori Infiniti” with you. For being a LP fan for the most of my life, we’ve come such a long way together. Because that’s where it all began and how this site is just a continuing piece in my LP story as in my personal life. Back in 1994 there was only ”Laura” album and this song topping everything else but today after all the years, experiences, albums and songs I couldn’t name my favorite LP album even if I wanted to. Too many great ones. Fitting into different moments in life and unable being compared against each other.

However ”Laura” stays classic. Classic 90’s. Classic Laura. So I do hope you enjoy this rarity. With me. Now and in the future. Thank you for reading.

Amori infiniti, 1994

[sportymama]

I’ve been on and off about writing in The Time of COVID. I have friends and family all over the place about this crazy time of quarantine, and rationing toilet paper and visiting supermarkets with masks at only certain times of the day. For us, things haven’t been as hard-hitting as some have experienced. It’s heartbreaking to see the loss of jobs, business, finances, health, and the fear that has struck so many. Our area was later to the game as far as quarantine lock-downs and runs to the store to hoard goods. Little by little, we saw a trickle of items disappear but still at any given moment I’ve been able to walk into a store and get toilet paper. My husband and I eat a whole food plant-based diet, so for us, stocking a freezer or pantry doesn’t work incredibly well. . When I first decided to grab a couple “extras” it was 2 cans of chickpeas and 2 cans of black beans. Fear has caused people to go… a little off the rails. Throughout this entire time, I have continued shopping every few days. The fresh produce has been PLENTIFUL! My hubs and I joked that with the world ending, the Vegans will live on because as inside isles (packaged & processed foods) of the grocery store were getting barer and barer, the fruits, veggies, nuts, herbs, lentils, beans and seeds were overflowing.

I have had a few days when we watched the news and I thought… am I having a false sense of security? Should I run to the store and stock my car full? I didn’t and here we are, eating a healthy diet, still.

We are not news watchers. We never have been. I like a morning update (online) and the Sunday NY Times which we have delivered. ALL of a sudden I noticed my phone starting to blow-up with all sorts of banners and alerts and warnings. My social media feeds were going crazy with news and photos of cars filled with sanitizer and toilet paper. I started to fall prey to looking more. Finally, I took a step back. The media has been on a feeding frenzy over this and THEY SELL FEAR! Fear is the best way to control people. We can’t allow fear to dictate our stories. I did a social media cleanse which included cleansing from not only “looking” but also getting rid of articles and groups that were not nurturing my soul. I always say… just like the food you put into your body, what you put in your mind can be just as corrosive. Junk in, junk out. As an athlete, I would never demand or expect my body to perform well feeding it junk. Same with my mind. Watch news all day and see how you feel versus taking ONE day to not check your phone, not check your social feeds and instead get outside and move a little. Go for a hike, bike or walk in the fresh air. Take big full gulps of oxygen. See how things look after 24 hours. You’ll be amazed! Sitting inside during a pandemic may be the worst thing you could do.

My hubs and have a ritual; every morning we have coffee together and read and discuss a devotional. We pray together. It’s how we start the day to set our hearts and minds in a trajectory for the GOOD. It’s grown our faith. Some days challenge us. Much like that morning cuppa that gets people going, this does the same thing for us. Our minds are set above the waves and that’s how we walk through the rest our day. Not getting mired down. Even when things are trending downward globally we can still have the hope for a great tomorrow. We walk in gratitude and focus on things within our control. Not dwelling on the negative or the past. Each day is new and brings along with it, fresh opportunities. No matter who you are, this is a good practice. Set an intention.

We talked this morning about how much change this virus and quarantine is bringing to not only our states and nation, but the world! We have, for years, been a population of technology. Don’t get me wrong technology is fantastic (hello Zoom dinners and cocktail parties!) but the whole “social” part of social media has lent to people feeling more isolated, more alone, more depressed. People NEED people. We talked about how during this time of being more isolated than ever, MAYBE this is what will cause a change. A shift! I can tell you RIGHT now, I am dying to hug ALL the people. This has challenged me (us) G and I are very social. We love going out, going to breweries, going to restaurants, wine bars, museums, concerts, the theatre and we love people. We miss socializing with friends. I have continued to run with friends weekly since this virus started. We’ve been very careful to keep our distance, which is easy when you’re dealing with a bunch of dirt and vert loving trail runners. Not to mention that most of the time we are in the middle of Nowhere, Wild Forest, North Carolina. It’s nothing but space and fresh air. BUT I cannot wait to high-five after a good long run. Or hug goodbye when we get back into our cars. As a social person IRL this has been hard.

We talked this morning about the fact that we will probably never walk by a stranger without talking to them. We won’t ever sit by someone in a restaurant without saying hello. We won’t ever pass up the opportunity for a hug. Our pastor is SO great (in normal circumstances) before we sit in church on Sunday mornings he will always say, “hug 3, 7, 10…14 people!” Some days it is awkward. It will never be again!

There are still ways, even now, to feel the fullness of life. Are you eating well or have you succumbed to boxed foods because you feel like it’s what you hoarded and now need to consume? DON’T! Are you still exercising? Even with 100% of the country on stay-at-home orders and social distancing, the outdoors are still open. Fresh air is still available to you. Get outside! Pick up a new hobby. Read more. Paint. Take the time for bubble baths. Rearrange your furniture. Give your house a good spring cleaning. Purge all of the unrecognizable, unnecessary “things” you’ve collected that aren’t serving you a purpose anymore and are collecting dust. Clean a closet or cabinet a day and donate. A lot of people are in need right now and it feels good to bless with your excess. Learn to cook some new incredible meals. Challenge your significant other to an Iron Chef cook-off (we love doing this) Learn yoga or practice meditation. Lean into God and learn WHO he really is. Play board games. Go outside barefoot and stand or walk in your lawn. (This alone can make you feel better) Contact with the Earth’s surface electrons by walking barefoot outside is a therapeutic technique. It has positive effects on your body; improving sleep, helps pain management, reduces stress, anxiety, reduces inflammation and boosts immunity.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am a sold-out 100-percent glass half full girl! I can make a rainbow out of anything. Find the pony in the manure. I laugh a lot (and always have) and sometimes that’s all we can do. I grew up in a home lacking laughter, so as an adult, a wife, a mother that is something we nurtured and cultivated in our family. We laugh

A LOT.

We played tricks and pranks and had food fights, were silly, and joked about all sorts of things. We are, in general, a pretty un-serious crew. PS: laughing is great for your immune system.

I flung open my door and invited laughter right in to sit on my couch and have coffee, daily!

Take some time to laugh about things. Get goofy.

Have you chosen to change some things up, instead of being mired down in the fear of what “could happen?” Growing up all I heard from my parents was “what if?” As an adult, that was something I fought against. It didn’t make sense to me to think in those terms. For me, God flipped a switch from “what if?” in the negative sense to “what if!!!” in the excited and expectant sense. I never have the dismal, cloudy thoughts of “what if something goes bad.” And if I start down that road I can easily remember “This is the day the Lord has made… I love the TPT translation; “This is the very day of the Lord that brings gladness and joy, filling our hearts with glee.”

Are you still finding gratitude and joy every day?

Have you allowed yourself some down-time and self-care and some time to figure out a new plan? A new normal. Sitting and thinking about what could happen only steals the joy of today. Most of the time the “what if” and “this could happen” NEVER does. BUT what if it does? “What if” this is a brand new start to something extraordinary? Find new passions. Soak yourself in new wishes and goals and cravings and hope. Rediscover your spouse and who you fell in love with years ago. Watch your kids play outside and cultivate in yourself some of that youthful curiosity. Make a list of some dreams that you and your husband shelved a few years back, bring them to the forefront, and start creating the plan to make them happen post C19. Reorder your priorities. Allow things that are not serving you to break off and fall away. Make changes. Change is not comfortable and that’s why most people shy away from it, but you can’t grow if you don’t allow it to happen. Prune off the old, dead, damaged buds for new growth to spring forward.

I have done all of the above during this pandemic. Coming back from Central America as COVID was starting to make its way around the globe halted a lot of plans that my husband and I had. It halted our B-days, it halted a trip to NYC to celebrate our B-days, it paused some big races that we were training for and it paused a huge backpacking trip in the South Asia mountains of Nepal.

I’ve been reading a lot in Psalms and noticed that so many say “Interlude” between paragraphs. I have another Bible version that instead of “Interlude” is says, “Pause in His Presence” I loved this and realized this is where we are right now. Paused. It’s had allowed us a breath. A gigantic intake of fullness. A gulp of oxygen. It’s made room for some pretty spectacular new friendships to grow. It’s given us more time for our Life Group (eGroup) through our church; even if currently we have to meet every week via Zoom. Ha! It’s given us a chance to have some fun challenges with other friends that we run with, without the daily training schedule we usually keep to. It has allowed me to bake more. (Still wondering if this is good or bad) Ha! It’s given us the opportunity to explore more of our gorgeous state and the surrounding mountains, trails, and beaches.

How do you see this pause? Are you freaked and panicked and fearful? Are you thinking about what you’re missing right now or looking in the past? Or have you allowed this slow intermission to grow your potential? To allow joy to saturate all the dry patches? To allow some healing on your mind, body, and soul? To repair what was lacking and broken? To enable you to find new passions, interests, potential, and empowerment? To let go of things not serving you? To de-clutter not only your house but your heart and soul? To bring your tank to fullness? Are you being refreshed?

Your inward disposition will always determine your outward outlook. You cannot let what’s happening around you affect what’s living in you.

Do you find yourself saying you just want to get back to normal? Back to the old way?

I keep thinking to a few weeks ago at church and the notes I jotted down; what if normal isn’t something to get back to? What if we want to get back to what we were trying to get rid of in the first place? When you are fearful you reach out to what is familiar even if the familiar was killing you. Negativity can feel normal. Keep believing and trusting God by faith or you’re going to find yourself missing today’s opportunities because you were too attached to yesterday’s blessing.

  “If God can’t get your attention he will change your direction.” Wow!! Is he changing your direction right now? Your faith grows in unfamiliar places.

It’s a different time for sure but remember; Faith looks forward!

Keep your eyes above the waves and keep bumping into blessings, my friends.

  *Media notes curtesy of PSF. Wave lyrical quote curtesy of Oceans by Hillsong United

Untapped Fullness I’ve been on and off about writing in The Time of COVID. I have friends and family all over the place about this crazy time of quarantine, and rationing toilet paper and visiting supermarkets with masks at only certain times of the day.

[junker-town]

Tiger, Rory, and going back to Cali: A guide to the PGA Tour’s West Coast swing

The West Coast swing will feature the return of Tiger Woods, the US debut of Rory McIlroy, and a month at some of the best venues on the PGA Tour’s interminable schedule. Here’s a preview of what’s to come.

The PGA Tour schedule is a never-ending, week-to-week march that covers 11 months of the year. There is certainly no real offseason and there are rarely any breaks. Sometimes there are even multiple events in the same week. It starts from the very top, the first weekend in January, and runs all the way up to Thanksgiving, and even after that, there’s set of “unofficial” events in December that many players patronize.

The PGA Tour does an admirable job of creating some consistency and predictability about what comes when and how it should all be ordered most efficiently. But it can become a dizzying mess with sponsors and a new era of big money cash grab events holding influence and continuing to shape the schedule.

There are a few stretches on the schedule that are distinct and can be clearly delineated from the rest based on more than just the time they’re held. Stretches that fit nicely into a theme or section and give you the throwback, intended sense of the word “tour.” One of those is the West Coast swing, the season-opening stretch that runs through California and Phoenix. The tournaments have some of the longest histories on the stateside Tour, are played at some of its best venues, and reliably slot in during the first two months of every year.

There may not be a major or WGC and it may not be the high point of the season, but combined, it’s the best stretch of the entire yearlong schedule (my colleague will take issue with that below!).

The 2018 West Coast swing begins this week. We’ll hit the usual fantastic venues. Tiger Woods will return. European stars, like Rory McIlroy, will make their 2018 U.S. debut. Jim Nantz will grace us with his presence, dropping Tony Romo for Nick Faldo (ok, that may be a step down). It’s all good and we can’t wait. Here’s a mini preview pack of some discussion points and topics to get you hyped for going back to Cali.

The 5 stops of the West Coast Swing

The West Coast swing covers five tournaments, beginning on Thursday January 18th in Palm Springs and finishing in Hollywood on February 18th. It ranges from the California desert to a rowdy Phoenix party to seaside venues in both SoCal and NorCal. The gallery above runs through all five stops in succession, but here are your nuts-and-bolts in list form.

One weak point about this part of the schedule is that three of the five events are held on multiple courses. The stop in Palm Springs uses three courses in the area. Torrey uses both its South and North course. And the Pebble Pro-Am uses three courses from the embarrassment of riches on the Monterey Peninsula. Multiple courses are a good (maybe necessary) thing to have this time of year with limited daylight and large, full fields. But it makes stats harder to gather, TV coverage less comprehensive, and fantasy picks tougher to make.

The Coverage

Get ready for angry tweets! Because while the West Coast swing yields maybe the season’s best venues, it also provides one of its more ... wanting? stretches of TV coverage. CBS does not have the Super Bowl this year, which means they’ll return to the game at Torrey Pines. The CareerBuilder Challenge will stay exclusively on Golf Channel, but after that, it’s the start of the usual Golf Channel and CBS split on the weekends.

For the last several years, the CBS production has taken a beating on Twitter. A handful of reasons, some justified and others baseless social media furor, have made CBS the whipping boy. It’s a tradition, especially on the West Coast at the start of their PGA Tour coverage year. Saturday at the Pebble Beach Pro Am has been dubbed the worst broadcast of the entire season, as we sit through analysis of the swings of Kenny G, Ray Romano, Gary Mule Deer et al.

With a little perspective and the right mindset, it’s actually entertaining to have Jim Nantz and the CBS crew back. I’ll be watching to see if he goes back to the same sweater at Pebble Beach (where he has a home ICYMI) for a third time.

Back to back years of the Nantz sweater. http://pic.twitter.com/CAktOqZTpB

— Adam Sarson (@Adam_Sarson) February 13, 2016

And CBS might be a welcome sight if Golf Channel cannot come to terms with their unionized employees that walked out on Sunday’s coverage in a strike. Here’s a quick TV guide for the next month on the West Coast:

Ok, we’re through clerical stuff on the schedule and coverage. Now on to the takes...

The best course/event for 2018

Kyle: No one’s ever gonna accuse me of being a golf purist. Any opportunity the sport has to be less stodgy, less buttoned-up, and more open and available to anyone that wants to partake is awesome. That’s why Scottsdale is the Tour’s best single normal event — maybe by a long shot. It’s dared to be different in how it attracts a crowd, bringing in younger audiences with things like concerts, superfluous amounts of booze, and, of course, the spectacle of the 16th.

It is the sport’s wildest stage, and it has provided some pretty legendary moments. Every golf hole should be played inside a 30,000-seat stadium. Pump it directly into my veins.

So, just saw a hole in one on 16 at the phoenix open. #wmopen #wastemanagmentopen #pga #golf #holeinone #party #bestholeingolf

A post shared by chrishisle (@chrishisle) on Jan 31, 2015 at 10:34am PST

Brendan: I’ve already stated my love for the West Coast swing in the intro, so I just want to say I think each and every event makes a solid contribution to the PGA Tour schedule. But Riviera is clearly the crown jewel in the group, and perhaps in the entire season.

The Phoenix Open is so special because there’s nothing else like it on the entire schedule. I’d argue there’s also nothing like Riviera on the schedule. You get a classic course, one of the best in the world and situated right in the heart of major American market, to open its gates annually to a field that’s become absolutely loaded in recent years. The new generation of stars have all added Riviera to their schedule.

The Tiger Woods foundation taking the reins of the Genesis Open has now thrown the Tiger circus into an already stacked field. We’ll get Tiger in his second start of the year, and likely Rory, Spieth, DJ, Phil, Sergio, JT, and Rickie, among others. For a non-WGC event, you just don’t get every single guy to show up like that.

Sure, Riviera could be even better and there’s some frustration with how current ownership has set up and maintained a golden age George Thomas design. But it’s still far more interesting than the monotonous TPC layout we get so much on Tour. It’s Los Angeles. It’s a classic layout with a bunch of interesting holes. It’s a loaded field. It’s Tiger. Annnnd it will also be NBA All Star weekend in LA too. The entire week is going to be a fantastic circus.

Will Tiger’s glutes activate?

Brendan: The glutes will be firing. As Kyle notes below, I’m not crazy about him starting with the Farmers Insurance Open, despite his legendary success at Torrey. The recent memories — deactivated glutes, chip yips, missed cuts, last year’s driving debacle — are not kind. It can be a rough setup and the weather can actually be a problem for someone trying to stay loose and “activated.” That said, I think he stays healthy, looks fine, rips a few bombs off the tee, and misses the cut by a shot or two.

We don’t really know what to expect in his second start at Riviera. It’s technically his home event but he’s not historically done well there — a primary reason why it was cut from his schedule the past decade until his foundation partnered with the event last year. I think another missed cut is more likely than not, which is fine. We just want to see him healthy, getting reps, and looking moderately competitive. I think we’ll get that and it will be the start of an actual comeback season, unlike that depressing slog last year.

Kyle: I’m gonna admit some mild concern about Tiger making his real return at Torrey, even though it’s a place where he’s played so well over the years. The North Course is a tougher test than it once was after modifications, and the South is as brutal as ever with the Tour content to let the roughs grow. If he’s going to play the weekend in San Diego, he’ll need to be keeping the ball in front of him off the tee. This early in the season, that’s a ton to ask for a guy that hasn’t played competitively in a year. If you’re optimistic, wait for Riviera. Put me down for MC, and then maybe a top-25 finish in LA.

Player we’re most excited to see (non Tiger division)

Kyle: There’s a few obvious ones here, but let’s go a bit deeper down the roster. I’m all in on #CantlaySZN for this spring. After everything the guy has gone through in the past few years between injury & tragedy, it feels like we’re finally here. The win in Las Vegas felt like we finally broke down the wall. He’s from Long Beach, he went to UCLA, and Pebble Beach is where he made his comeback debut last season. Give me Cantlay to win at Riv, which would be one hell of a story.

Brendan: That’s a great one. I’m going with a much more obvious and mainstream choice: Rory McIlroy. I’m sorry, I can’t quit the man. It seems like every year now we start with a “This is gonna be the Year of Rory” hype train. Last year it fizzled rapidly and we’re now three-plus years since his last major. That’s not a long time for most humans and I still think the expectations are a little off and unrealistic, but maybe that’s due to all the hype he gets (I am a part of that!).

So here we go again: I am excited to see Rory back, healthy, playing again and taking violent cuts with his driver. I think he’s going to have a big year. No one in the game is more exhilarating to watch than Rory when he’s cooking. It starts in the Middle East, where he may bag a win before he transitions to the stateside tour to make a rare start at Pebble and then at Riv.

Photo by Chris Condon/PGA TOUR

Rory at Riviera will be must-see.

Some quick (maybe crazy) predictions

Kyle: Brian Harman, Rickie Fowler, and Hideki Matsuyama all take home wins over the next five weeks. Yes, all of them. Go take that parlay and thank me later.

Brendan: Easier prediction: Tiger Woods will be courtside for the NBA All Star game in some questionable jeans. Bolder prediction: DJ will win at both Pebble and Riviera, making him a vintage Tiger-esque 3-for-3 to start his PGA Tour season.

Miscellaneous takes

Kyle: Brendan loves the West Coast Swing, which is fine. It’s golf, and it’s on my TV while I’m sitting in my freezing Midwestern apartment. There are worse things. I’m also here to tell you that Brendan is wrong, and the West Coast Swing is, in fact, not good!

I’m being mildly hyperbolic, but this set of five events doesn’t do much for me. Palm Springs is the John Deere Classic, But Near Coachella [Editor’s note: sounds amazing!]. Torrey’s length and penal rough creates for boring golf. The Pebble TV broadcast is a five-hour long ASMR video where Jim Nantz whispers the names of celebrities you forgot about in 2006 over gentle ocean waves. Riv and Scottsdale are both great events, but they don’t do enough to compensate for three others that are decidedly meh for me. The West Coast Swing is bad.

Brendan: Kyle thinks blade collars are good.